MadhouseSearch

Stolen Valor – Veterans Day 11/11/2015

11 Nov 2015 · 1 h 41 min · 13,662 words · source

Calls (26, 52 min of 1 h 41 min)
  1. Corporate E. coli recall call live 2.5 min clip ↓
  2. Veterans Day takeout dispute live 3.1 min clip ↓
  3. Starbucks order with harassment live 2.2 min clip ↓
  4. Panera Bread order for donuts live 58 s clip ↓
  5. Java City library coffee shop ivr 37 s clip ↓
  6. McDonald's order for three pork sandwiches live 3.9 min clip ↓
  7. McDonald's order for 20 hot dogs live 1.6 min clip ↓
  8. Starbucks order for 20 venti coffees live 1.1 min clip ↓
  9. Takeout order described from picture live 53 s clip ↓
  10. Car lot manager orders for 20 with 'labia' live 2.1 min clip ↓
  11. Veteran asks about free meal live 1.1 min clip ↓
  12. Chevron customer service confused about donuts live 2.7 min clip ↓
  13. 7-Eleven busy line live 3.7 min clip ↓
  14. McDonald's parking lot confusion live 2.2 min clip ↓
  15. Calling cousin at McDonald's live 1.7 min clip ↓
  16. Oil change order at Castle Bay live 50 s clip ↓
  17. Ordering oil change pickup live 50 s clip ↓
  18. Ordering chicken and beans live 1.3 min clip ↓
  19. Los Portales closed for Veterans Day live 1.4 min clip ↓
  20. Publix Veterans Day order inquiry live 3.8 min clip ↓
  21. La Abundancia Bakery asked about Colombians live 1.1 min clip ↓
  22. Elite Vein Care Center transfer ivr 2.5 min clip ↓
  23. Denny's location check playback 3.8 min clip ↓
  24. Call to Transportation and Translation Services live 3.3 min clip ↓
  25. Brooklyn Water Bagel Company prank call live 1.9 min clip ↓
  26. Old bait shop asked about live bait machines live 1.5 min clip ↓

Transcript

Hello, this is Rex. I'm calling from America.
Okay.
You guys are receiving a supply today, this morning, I believe.
Has our driver made it there already?
Yes.
Okay. One of those cases has E. coli in it,
so we're wanting to make sure we waive that off.
Yeah, we have our own laboratory that we do our own testing on bacterias and plagues
and stuff like that here in our own lab, you know.
Where'd you learn?
Huh?
Well, would you like to tell me where?
Yeah, sure.
It's 1-7-E-COLI.
Yeah, hi, I'm glad I caught you.
This is Rex at the corporate office.
Which items are you delivering now?
You should have, I guess, at least one case of something there.
One case of something?
Yeah, there's a case of something that has tested positive for E. coli.
We just got it on the telefax about three minutes ago, and we need a recall.
Well, we just started delivering.
You got some produce there?
Yeah, we've got produce.
Yeah, no produce.
All produce is hands off.
All produce is hands off.
Wave off.
Wave off.
Yeah, no produce.
No produce.
Let them know, and I'll explain it to them.
But, yeah, they're going to have to.
Yeah, there's, I guess, Listeria and E. coli and a whole lot of that produce is going out.
Yeah, you can't deliver any produce today.
The best thing for you to do is to come back to headquarters.
Can you do that?
Stop.
That's your last stop?
Well, are you headed to headquarters right after this then?
Yeah.
All right, you need to come in because we've got to go through your manifest for the day
and see what you sent where.
We're trying to track it down.
All right.
All right, yeah, no producing.
Get your ass back over here, okay?
Okay.
All right, see you.
Bye.
Yep.
I ain't no fucking game, dude.
I fucked you, son of a bitch.
Stop making us do the cutting.
You're out of your crazy mind.
You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.
I'll fuck you all night long.
You're not perfect.
What are you, piss off?
You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.
I need to make a takeout order.
I need to make a takeout order.
Okay, one moment, please.
Stop, it's Veterans Day!
Yeah, my name is Rick.
Can I get free?
Uh, what do you have for Veterans Day?
What's free?
Because that's, I'm a veteran, and I call and I get free shit, basically.
I don't, but can't do a takeout.
Well, in theory, I can come in, right, and you bring the food, and then I say, put it
in a box, motherfucker, like that, and you hurry up, right?
Okay, so you can watch your language, but no, you can't do that.
Yeah, you can.
You can put, I can't take my food with me?
Dining only.
Yeah, but I'll have a few bites in this.
I'm going to have the rest later, and then I'll take it with me.
I'm a veteran.
I'm a veteran.
Why are you doing this to me?
I'm a veteran.
Dining only.
I was a POW.
Why are you doing this to me?
I'm a veteran.
And that we still have rules.
That is that we have dining only.
Well, how come I've been there before, and I've been like, I can't finish my Grand Slam.
Can I get a box?
And you're like, no problem.
Here you go.
Here's a box.
Here's a container for the syrup.
Yeah, so I'm going to have one bite, and yeah.
Is there anything else that I can help you with?
If you're going to come in, then come in and eat.
I'm going to eat the counter.
I'll put my order in now so it's ready when I get there.
No, you can't do that.
You have to dine in.
Yes, you can.
You can put it on.
Listen, don't give me the African-American attitude, okay?
Is there anything else?
I want the plate on the counter when I get there.
I'm a veteran.
Okay.
I'm a veteran.
I'll go to every single veteran in this town if you don't do it.
I swear to God.
Yes, sir.
Okay, I'm going to do it.
Is there anything else I can help you with?
I'm just joking.
But I like free shit.
I'm a veteran, motherfucker.
And I'm drunk.
I've been drinking.
We drink on Veterans Day.
Do you?
Yeah, the night before.
So we've been out.
We were doing blow and drinking a lot.
We got a keg of Killian's Red.
Oh, fuck yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, so we're all coming out.
There's about 20 of us vets.
We're coming down there.
We're drunk as fuck and we're going to be down there.
We're going to be fucking and doing coke and drinking beers.
Okay, so I'm sorry, but I have things to do.
Anything else I can help you?
If you're going to come in, I don't want you to come in and eat.
How many vets can come in there and fuck you?
Okay, have a good day.
All right, bye.
Bye-bye.
Great day at Second State.
This is Penny.
Hey, woman, I'm a veteran.
What do you got for free?
I'm a veteran, damn it.
What do you have for free today?
Nothing.
Especially not for people that's rude like you.
You don't have shit for veterans, motherfucker, you?
Hell no.
Well, can I...
Thank you, have a great day.
Can I fuck you?
This is weird.
This isn't a particularly ghetto area that I'm calling.
How come they're...
Well, I don't know.
well i'll take that back this kind of is turning into one when i last lived here hello thank you
for calling state of shake this is strawberry how can i help you hey starbuck i'd like to make an
order hello yeah hi starbuck i'd like to make an order uh okay are you ready yet cracker doodles
yes you're giving me like a lot of negro attitude what's up with that well if i'm only half black
because i got freckles oh is that why they call you strawberry oh shit that's cute that's hella
look cute i like that fuck yeah hey i'm a vet so you guys don't have anything free for vets today
we got pickled dog in the back pickled yeah all right yeah are you a top or a bottom i gets down
like that are you a top or a bottom just tell me i'm a vet you can give me a little bit of ass
you know if you guys have nothing i'll fuck you i'll take you you know you know where the movie
theater is you know that boy right now bro bro you know the parking garage next to the movie
theater it's obvious you're gay you're you're effeminate i know you are you're just straight
handed you're you're a feminine black i know that's your ethnicity right a feminine black
why are you so angry i'm just trying to give you some dick what's the problem don't act like you
don't want it don't act like you don't want it don't act like you don't want it have reached
the sprint voicemail box of hey can i get your cell phone number at least there he goes
yeah hi let's make an order order for one coffee just one coffee uh well there's more yeah uh
I need 12 donuts.
Ah, shit.
That's why I'm fucking calling, because there's fucking nasty people in the fucking line.
Okay, is that dozen donuts there?
And what else?
Do you know what donuts I want?
Can't tell me.
Yeah, these ones right here.
These right here.
These right here.
You know what donuts these are?
I pull my pants down, and I'm looking at my ass in the mirror.
I pull my pants down, and I'm looking at my ass in the mirror.
No classes on Veterans Day.
Never mind.
I was right.
This place, Panera Bread, probably really busy right now.
Right before 8.
Can't tell you how many times I got to have bosses stop here on the way into work and get a big ass bag of bagels.
Like four different types of flavored cream cheeses and a big box of coffee and a bunch of cups.
So unhealthy.
They still do that where I work now.
I hate that shit.
Don't bring that shit in because I want to eat it, motherfucker.
I'm trying to lose weight.
I'm on a diet machine.
I lost another five pounds.
I purposely, I hit goal number one.
So I purposely took not a big break.
i just had a few meals that were uh enough to keep me from really losing weight for like two
three weeks and then i started it again i heard that's a good there's a theory out there that it
helps your metabolism it keeps it in and keeps it on his toes instead of just adapting to your diet
if you're confused and like all of a sudden you start eating a little bit shitty again it's like
oh wait wait we're gonna get this shit again yeah all right try something we'll get that shit again
you know do that shit well if classes are suspended but there's still a lot of people
on campus i'm sure there's still at least a few i don't know i don't know i don't remember how
that well i'm gonna try i can try to call the i know there's a really annoying coffee shop that
got put in the library that sucked it sucked because it was really loud it was on the first
floor was really loud all you hear is wow fucking day from milkshakes and lattes and shit being
it used to be kind of chill on the first floor and it just became a big bustling fucking
storefront instead first floor of a library you walk right in and right to the right there's uh
there's a uh big fucking coffee shop surprisingly enough not a not a starbucks because they seem
to have like a hold i think this one since since it's in the library i think the university's
running it themselves there's the barnes and noble on campus that was the first starbucks
What's coffee I ever had was at this Barnes & Noble.
Shit, let's call them.
They do say close today for Veterans Day.
Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.
But I'm guessing they're closed.
Barnes & Noble is closed.
These guys are closed.
Thank you for calling Java City and the UCF library.
We are unable to answer the phone, and we'll get back to you as soon as possible.
Thank you.
Let them call me.
That's bullshit, because I don't think I ever got Veterans Day off.
But again, that was pre the wars.
So that might be what.
I think that was a product of the peacetime.
The Pox Americana of the 80s and 90s.
Back to the map.
Stupid veterans.
Yeah, hi.
I want to make an order.
One bread.
One bread.
Sandwich bread.
The footlong bread.
Yeah.
No, just bread.
Just bread.
Yeah, I just want some bread.
I want to dip it in some butter.
How many pieces?
How many pieces in one space?
space excuse me how many spaces are in one piece my bad how many spaces are in one piece 12 inches
so there's 12 inches yeah but spaces i have no idea what you mean is this no no i just i have
no idea what you mean i don't like the insides i just eat the breads so i'll just give you just
come in and get a piece of bread then well i'll have to order it please you don't have to order
it it's just one piece you bake your bread oh i understand that but we're baking it anyway
okay i also need one meats excuse me one meats one meat kind of so do you want a
sandwich yeah yeah yeah hello okay kind of meat uh cold cold meat okay well you know your cold
meat that you have there they're all cold sir yeah the yeah the pork one yeah pork shit you
don't have any pork at all like ham salami yeah pork that's it pork bacon yeah pork pork which
which one of those make a pork sandwich i can't just make a pork sandwich it's a ham sandwich a
salami sandwich a bacon sandwich and you have to specify here well put all your pork in one
sandwich one breads one breads with uh one bread with three porks three porks three porks yeah
three porks it's gonna be an excessive sandwich how's it gonna be an excessive sandwich i'm just
asking for bread and meat because it's extra for extra meat oh come on you got pork i'm just asking
for one thing pork yes sir but there are three different meats and you're not specifying which
Which one you would like.
You're saying yourself is too difficult.
So if I put all three on there, then I have to account for all three.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
It's not like that.
No, no, no.
It's not like that.
Like that.
No.
No, no, no, no.
How is it like that?
I like it cold.
I don't like it toasted.
You asked me how I like it.
I said I don't like it toasted.
I like it cold.
No, you...
All right, thank you.
I'll pull forward then to the first window.
You do that.
All right, I'll be right there.
Thank you.
Farm Department, how can I help you?
Yeah, you're an excessive sandwich.
Excuse me?
You're an excessive sandwich.
You're an excessive sandwich.
McDonald's, everybody.
Yeah, my name is Rex.
I work at a construction yard.
Y'all got that hot dog station with the ham boo?
I work at a construction crew.
I'm picking up hot dogs and coffee for everybody.
I just want to see how many hot dogs you got in that warmer.
Well, we got like 30 people.
I want to get for as many people as I can.
Can I put in an order for like 20 of them?
I want to make an order for 20 people.
I'll tell you what they want.
All right.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Well, no, it's an order.
It's 20 people we're feeding.
I'll tell you what we're going to get them.
They all want the same thing.
I'm going to tell you what it is.
Are you there waiting on me, or am I waiting on you?
Yeah, I'm waiting.
Oh, well, I didn't know, because you didn't say so.
All right.
All right, yeah, so I need 20 on 4.
$20 on pump 4?
Yeah.
Yeah, I don't want to come inside.
Go ahead and put it at $20 for pump 4.
I don't have time for big guns.
No, you can't do that.
Oh, come on. I don't have time to be going inside, motherfucker.
Come on. I'm late for work.
Good morning, Jennifer Collins, Starbucks, Canterbury, Destiniel.
I can help you.
Yeah, I'm calling ahead on an order for 20 people in my office.
Okay.
Are you ready?
Do you have the mobile app?
Because it might be easier to do...
No!
No.
Excuse me?
No!
Okay. And what would be your order then, sir?
It's very easy.
I need you to make 20 venti hot coffees.
Would you just like a coffee traveler, sir?
Fine!
Excuse me?
Fine!
That works fine!
So you want two coffee travelers?
Yes, and then I want you to turn around, take the coffee travelers, and shove them up your ass!
Okay, bye.
Bye!
That is stressed out manager of a car sales lot.
Of a high sales new car lot.
New car dealership.
That's what he's like.
Yes!
I'd like to make an order.
I'd like to make an order, please.
I need one of these right here.
I'm showing it right now on the phone.
One of these.
Yeah, I'm just pointing at the picture.
Well, I have the menu and I'm pointing at the picture.
No, I'm not there.
I'm calling for pickup.
Takeout.
Takeout order.
I can describe it.
Hold on.
I can tell you what it is from the picture.
He said, hold on, panicked and hung up.
And he will now walk far away and act busy so someone else picks up the phone.
My guess.
Or someone just won't answer.
Yeah, I've heard of chatroom acres.
Yeah, Google Maps.
it's called the offline mode and usually i think it's whatever wherever you map at it usually
downloads it'll go based off the latest download for that area i think it kind of well i don't
think it it might it might get an update like for the national map i think kind of like how
those old garmin gps things worked i guess they're still out there they still work but
where you would just download a large update that had all the maps for a
the contiguous United
States. I think that's how it works. It just downloads
that data. So you don't have to rely
on the data signal. All you need is your
gaps.
Your gaps. That's all you need.
Your gaps. Turn on your gaps.
Good morning. Thank you for calling. Turn on your gaps!
Turn on your gaps!
Hello? Hello? Yeah, I'd like to make
a takeout order, please. Hello?
Yeah, I'd like to make a takeout order, please.
Sure. And don't
give me the Hispanic
Hispanic attitude, okay?
I work at a car lot.
I'm the manager at a busy high-sales car lot.
I'm making an order for 20 employees.
God damn it.
Randy, take your order.
Yeah, right.
Hi there, how you doing?
Hey, boy, how you doing?
What can I get for you?
Yeah, I need 20 orders of the same thing to go.
This is for a man.
I'm a manager at a car lot.
Why are you laughing?
A manager at a car lot.
Why are you laughing?
Uh-huh.
Hey, do you know what?
Okay, I'm ready.
I have the order.
I hope you're ready.
Yeah, one labia.
Oh, my God.
You are, like, off your chain this morning.
Labia, labia.
I'm a veteran.
What's free?
I'm a veteran.
What's free?
I'm coming in.
I don't think you can get it for free.
Yeah, I can.
You've got to come in here and eat.
Is it your pussy?
How much is it?
I'm a veteran.
I've been drinking all night, and I'm still up, and I'm still awake, and I've been drinking.
You're kidding.
Yeah, I've been doing cocaine and stuff.
Yeah, I'm a vet.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, I was in the shit.
I bet.
Yeah.
So, seriously, what are you going to have?
One chicken.
A chicken?
Yes, a whole chicken.
I don't want two whole chickens.
Then I'm going to fuck it.
Can we put all the pieces together, make a whole chicken, and then I'll fuck it?
Oh, gotcha.
Okay.
Okay?
I'm going to go fuck a chicken.
I'm going to fuck him right...
I got a chicken in my fridge.
I'm going to take him out and fuck him right now.
Okay.
All right?
All right.
All right, would you like to hear that?
I'm sorry?
Here you go.
I'm ready.
Here I go.
Thank you for calling.
I have Pasta Berry.
May I help you?
Yeah, hi.
Hi, do you have anything free for veterans like me today?
We do, as long as you bring your ID, dear.
What do I get?
Milk pancakes with strawberries, whipped cream, and blueberries.
Fuck yeah!
Fuck yeah!
That's what the fuck I'm talking about!
Fuck yeah!
I'm gonna get that fucking shit!
Yeah, I'm gonna fuck the most beautiful girl who's there.
Is that you?
I'm sorry?
I'm gonna fuck the most beautiful girl there.
Is that you?
I'm gonna fuck her while I eat.
i do want to know that what i'm saying i'm a veteran is in parody for these it's a parody
i in no way i'm attempting to perform an act of stolen valor i dislike still i hate i detest
people who do stolen valor if you don't know what it is look it up technically what i'm doing is a
felony it's a felony to say that you're a former serviceman of the united states military without
being so but again this is just for parody thank you and thank you veterans for your so i hope
I'm sure any vets listening to this are enjoying this.
I'm sure they wanted to be like, yeah, I'm going to get all the shit I can today.
I would, because they say I'm going to do that every birthday, and I never do it.
It's the same thing.
You get pretty much the same stuff on your birthday at all these places.
They just extend it to all service members on this particular day of the year.
Applebee's, I hear, is the best deal for them.
They actually hook you up with a meal.
I mean, that IHOP one doesn't sound too bad.
Yeah, there's YouTube videos of people who go around.
they'll get their hands like some military uniform or pieces of a military uniform
and they'll put it all together like with patches that don't make sense and shit like that or in
the wrong places and they'll wear it out in public and i think what the major part of is a lot of
people like you'll get like a free meal some places like the boss will come out and say oh
no you don't have to pay you know or they'll get a lot of people saying thank you and this and that
or the girls give you a look or people pick up your check and play you know restaurants and
bars and stuff and
then there's the people who do it and they start you know asking for money it's
called yeah stolen value so there's this there's this one group in particular they're former seals
a female former a former female marine seal and a male a guy old older guys like they look like
they're vietnam or post-vietnam era um so they're obviously retired but they know their shit and
their seals right there's only i think i don't know the exact number i think it's a hundred
something seals or a few hundred something seals i think that live but it's really easy to trace
the ranks and it's really easy to find out so i guess especially the big thing is that that's like
what school did you go to which which school number did you graduate in and usually like oh
52 like 52 usually 52 you'd be like 20 years old right now or etc etc something like that um just
look up stolen valor on youtube it's pretty interesting they come they actually go and
they they hunt this these two people they hunt them down and they confront them and there's other
other ones off of that like random just a few compilation videos out there pretty interesting
where people like call them out and stuff there's one dude he's he's there's a guy in the mall
wearing like what looks like a legit uniform but he's a little chunky for an army man but whatever
all right whatever but then this guy who's actually in the army i guess he's there shopping
or with his kid or something he's like this patch what patch is this this doesn't make any sense
this is like a nato patch and why is it on your left shoulder down so low instead of your right
shoulder up top where it's supposed to go and why is this why that is and the guy starts stammering
he's like you know it's funny stuff anyway how you doing how you doing fine thank you how are you
yeah i'm good i need four i need uh 20 on pump four i need 20 on pump four you have to be in
the store to do that well i'm here i'm here now okay i'm not understanding is this a joke or
no i'm here i don't want to go inside i have a broken ankle and it's snowing outside there's
nobody here i think you might be calling the wrong store i'm calling the chevron on yeah i'm 436 this
is you guys okay there's no cars outside well obviously i'm here in my car right now i don't
know what you're talking about is there a man i can talk to you are excuse me we're a bp not a
chevron what's this can you transfer me to the chevron please i don't have the phone number to
a chevron you fucking bitch hey honey i'd like to make an order i need five donuts i'm sorry
five donuts i want to make sure you have them five donuts yeah okay honey give me one second
all right honey yeah hi hey honey quick question do you have anything for vets today do you have
any anything offered for vets today real quick are you offering anything for vets today it's
veterans day all right um all right i need five donuts then i want to make sure you have them
uh these these five donuts these kinds right here i'm sorry what the the kind right here that i'm
i'm showing you okay well i'm i'm looking in my mirror and i'm naked and i have my ass spread out
so these donuts right here now she's telling the other girl who talked to me first she's like what
really he seems so nice call me honey the way he said forget i can't tell you right now right now
it's like you answer the phone i'm not picking i'm not talking to him why yeah i had called about
the five donuts but she disconnected i don't understand what happened sorry about that what
What are we looking for again?
These right here that I'm showing you.
You're showing me?
You don't have a viewer on your phone?
No, I'm sorry, I don't.
Oh, okay, that's fine.
I can just tell you.
I'm in the mirror, like looking in the mirror,
and I have my back to it, and I have my clothes off,
and I'm spreading my asshole real wide.
Have a good day.
I think that's a chocolate donut.
That's what I get for not helping the vets.
Fuck yeah!
Chocolate.
There's a B-dubs in this corner now.
So do I want to turn down Redbug and head towards Evita
or keep going down towards the airport?
and i take the airport route guys this road here is like restaurant row i think it's one of the
rated as one of the most fast food on one road one of them it's up there and the list i saw once
that the local newspaper like hey look look at us we're on this list we're in the top five for
being florida orlando florida it was up there with vegas and shit and this is a non-tourist
area of orlando this is more like shit area there's another 7-eleven oh i know this i like
the 7-eleven it's up on that little hill it's dope i used to buy optimos at this one on my way
to andy's house after i got out of class and as always we can't we don't smoke blunts here we
smoke optimos like optimal they're like blunts right blunt cigars so you you know rip and all
that like people with a philly um but they had like this they have this green tobacco leaf around
it so you you actually you you get the thing wet and unwrap the leaf put it aside then you do your
You're ripping of the blunt and excretion of tobacco and all that
and the rolling of the joint, the rolling of the marijuana.
And then you wrap it up again in the green leaf.
Oh, my God, it's awesome.
It burns perfectly.
It burns like it's in one of those cellophane joints.
It's like that, where it's just nice and compact and slow-burning.
It tastes really good.
It's really cool.
And it looks really fucking cool because you've got a big blunt
because they're actually thicker around.
You can make them bigger than you can a Philly easier.
easier not that you can't with affiliate but it's harder yeah that's what i'm getting at and i know
it's easier now with blunt wraps and stuff but there's an art there's a certain art to actually
have in the cigar the gar starting off good times good old college days yeah before the dark times
before the marriage busy phone number how come 7-eleven busy i haven't had breakfast and i need
more caffeine i'm gonna have to go to the car to get my caffeine i got a 12 pack of pepsi max
down there nice and cold this place is super busy i'll take a quick respite where are we at
we're an hour and 11 in still early it's 8 30 now it's around 8 45 9 o'clock is when i feel
comfortable calling businesses because there's enough people in people are settled they've had
their coffee and their chocolate donuts and they put the coffee up their ass what else i've asked
for today the vets have had their free breakfast already and are coming in now to work on their
civilian jobs yeah but i gotta get something to eat too fuck you guys man i gotta eat i gotta i'm
gonna run run to mcdonald's real quick i can't do that so actually if i make something to eat
for breakfast my breakfast usually takes about seven minutes to make it's a seven minute
microwaved potato every morning and i spray it with like pam you know pam but the buttery flavored
one i spray just a little bit so it's basically artificial butter flavor instead of using
anything instead of just glugging oil on it i just do a quick spray over it not adding butter
to it but it tastes like butter it's the same kind of butter you get like if you go to kfc and you
want butter for your biscuits they give you this buttery tasting spread it's the same shit anyway
that and i i put like two little pieces of gouda cheese like two cracker sized pieces pieces of
gouda cheese the cheese i buy comes pre-cut they're called cracker cuts those square just
the right size to fit on a saltine two of those a day i break it into pieces maybe like four or
five pieces per square and i impregnate it all over the potato you know that i have microwave
for six minutes and cut up and scored right i spray it with that i do a little pinch of salt
and i add these five ten pieces of cheese like that not a lot of cheese it's half of a half of
a serving on the package serving is four pieces i'm having i'm using two daily right and then i
microwave it again for a minute and it's perfect it's great and i'll add some ketchup maybe a
A little bit of ketchup, just to give it some color.
Or some sriracha.
Or both.
That's my breakfast every morning.
And then about two, three hours after breakfast, I eat an apple.
And that's it until lunchtime.
Yeah, motherfuckers, breakfast.
So I'm going to get that.
I've got to find prank calls to play.
I've got a proper break here to play.
It's a repeat of a break that we played three weeks ago.
I will move into that then.
When we come back, I'll call businesses.
Business-i.
Yay, I'll call businesses.
Bye.
All right.
Changing plans.
Plans.
Not going to eat breakfast.
Even breakfast.
I was gone that long, but it took me that long to decide.
Thank you.
I'll make up with more prank calls.
Yay.
Here we tried that 7-Eleven that was busy earlier.
That's still busy.
Inside the Walmart or outside the Walmart?
Ah, shit.
That's what I'm talking about.
I need one of these right here.
I need one of these right here.
The one I'm pointing at.
The one I'm pointing at.
Ass.
My ass.
My ass.
got him thank you we'll report your number got him got him got him gotcha i got you
a weird blue bear shucking jive institute
i'm from the corporate office okay let me tell you something i'm from the corporate office and
i was calling to clarify something we do not record all our calls that's impossible so you're
You're fired now.
We listen to the calls.
We don't record them, though.
Now, here's the one outside the Walmart.
Yes, there are two McDonald's, one across from each other.
You can see the sign of one from the other one on the side of the Walmart building.
But yes, there are two McDonald's.
Isn't that ridiculous?
Like, I understand a lot of these Walmarts have McDonald's inside them, but there's one right outside.
It's right outside.
Now you're just being lazy.
Now you're just saying, I can't be bothered to go through the drive-thru across the street on my way out or on my way in.
i have to eat it inside the store first thing i gotta do is eat first thing i gotta do is go to
mcdonald's eat and leave my grocery cart there on the side in the special area for people who get a
grocery cart and leave it on the side next to the mcdonald's entrance i know what you're talking
about i've been that guy before then i go shopping then on my way out at the register i can order
my my menu to take home my whatever i want to take home yes you can but that shit about
stopping in the wall and the mcdonald's that's in the same parking lot that you pass on the way to
get to the little exit yeah hey honey are you inside the walmart outside the walmart oh good
because it's ridiculous you can see the one from the other oh my god you can see the one from the
other not good i needed to make an order okay one of these right here uh this one right here
the one i'm pointing at can you put that hispanic man on the phone please that's my cousin tell
Tell him Jose's on the line.
It's my cousin.
Can you just put him on the phone?
I have to talk to him.
I was calling the joke around.
I thought it was him.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, yeah.
Let me talk to Cuzzle.
Okay.
Call him.
Carlos!
What's up?
Maricón, what's up?
Son of a bitch!
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm going to fuck your mother, you hear me?
Right now, I'm fucking your mother.
Yeah, I'm fucking your mother.
Yeah, it's good, too.
Can I make an order?
Okay.
Oh, perfect.
Perfecto, se lo digo
All right
Bye
Bye
He just said that when I'm done fucking his mom
To tell her to go pick up the money at Amscot
Because he already sent it to her
Wow
He was like, yeah, yeah, fuck my mom
He must not like his mom
But then
That's contradicting with the fact that he sent money to Amscot for her
So I don't know what's going on
Thank you for calling Babylonian
It's an oil change in Castle Bay
Yeah, I'd like to make an order
I'd like to make an order
One oil change
Okay
Right now, do you have synthetics or something you can upgrade that to?
How does that work?
I don't need that.
I just want to go ahead and make an order for it, and I'll come pick it up.
Well, the oil change, I'll come pick it up, the whole package.
When do I have to do the radiator flush on a 99 Honda Accord?
How often?
Well, come on, go ahead.
No, you don't.
You can look up a 99 Honda Accord.
What's the mileage?
What's the...
One second, one second.
Shit.
Hey, honey.
Yeah, hey, honey, how are you?
I wanted to make an order.
Mm-hmm.
One order of oil change?
The oil change.
I'm just going to come by and pick it up.
Yeah, but then I have to wait.
I don't really have that time, you know?
I'm kind of in a rush today, so I just wanted to go pick it up and take care of it at home.
Well, you're a motherfucker then, aren't you?
You're stupid.
Yeah, fuck you.
Have a nice day.
All right.
Bye.
I hope you have a bad day.
Happy Veterans Day.
Yeah, I'm trying to make an order for tropical chicken.
Is this tropical chicken?
Mm-hmm.
Yep, that's the one.
I need to make an order.
I want to make an order for later, coño.
I want to make an order to pick up later.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, I need five half chickens.
All right, then five sides of red beans and five white rices.
Okay, and I don't want any Puerto Ricans putting their dirty hands and fingers all over the food.
Mierda, I'm coming in anyway.
Do you have Cubans that can make the food?
You have Cubans that can make the food better?
I'm not going to get into that.
Yeah, you got Cuba's Make the Food Batter.
Cuba's Make the Food Batter.
Happy Veterans Day.
That's why Dominicans say that shit.
Dominicans are always like, we make better plantains.
We make better food.
We got better music.
We got better pussy.
They like, Dominicans are straight up.
You'll be having a conversation with a white person.
You're Puerto Rican.
And you're having a conversation with a white person.
And they're all like, yeah, I'm thinking about going to Puerto Rico.
What can you tell me about Puerto Rico?
Oh, yeah, you can do this.
You can do that.
It's nice here.
And they're like, oh, wow, that's cool.
That's cool.
They're getting into it.
and a dominican will hear it and he'll like interject himself in your conversation this
happened to me twice they go no man you don't want to go to puerto rico man man dominican republic
man you get the pussy man you get the these and the beer is better and cheaper man and the music
is better and the beach is better and fuck puerto rico man it's like hey that's real fucking like
Like, it's awkward for Puerto Ricans.
If you can imagine how up front and in your face Puerto Ricans are in white people's business,
how it feels like sometimes, imagine a race of people that makes Puerto Ricans feel like that.
That's a Dominican when he's really, he or she's really Dominican now.
And the women, too, just as bad.
And they're really, they're plex.
Anyway, you got to watch them.
All right, more fast food.
I'm not exaggerating.
This has happened to me twice.
twice it's fucking one last time was this dominican guy last job i had in florida he did
that shit i was like like seriously like you're being so dominican right now seriously that's
what he was doing what's up with burger king not answering the phone anymore like at all
they've completely stopped any burger king i've tried to call for the last three months no stretch
except for the one that said they didn't have the halloween burger because there weren't a true
franchise store so apparently they're not in the same phone system that all these burger kings are
sharing now that it's like impossible to get through it always goes to us like one of those
voicemail oh shit los portales i've been there a lot of times for their shit they got really good
colombian food here and this used to be like the only place you could really watch world cup soccer
i saw a few of the 98 world cup soccer games here and what where was 98 was in france i think
remember seeing a few of them because this is colombian it was you can see the games there
now you can see it all over the place soccer football sure has come up every world cup it
It gets bigger and bigger, especially in the last two.
What would really do it is if the United States had another World Cup like we did in 92,
but fucking, I guess you got to be a corrupt Russian or a fucking corrupt Arab from Qatar
to be able to win that.
Hey, what?
They're closed until today.
They're closed today for Veterans Day.
Really?
Los Portales is closed for Veterans Day.
Okay.
Okay, maricón.
Now, where am I here?
I'm on Howell Branch at 436.
I'm trying to remember.
I remember I bought my wrestling shoes around this area at a sports store, a big sports
store chain that's no longer in business even anymore, like before Sports Authority and
shit.
I remember what that store was.
Here's the 7-Eleven.
I like the idea of the ordering of pump number four.
No, you can't do that, man.
The one guy.
No, man, you can't do that.
You gotta call them south, man.
Yeah, I need to.
You have the station there with the hot dogs, right?
Okay, well, I'm going to feed 20 people on my construction site.
Alright, so can I tell you what I need just to make sure you have it ready?
Okay!
There's the T-Mobile store.
I got my G1, the first Android device.
I got it on release day.
I want to say that was 2008.
T-Mobile store, right across the street from here.
Oh, there's a store.
I got to call a store.
Oh, shit, and I missed the Publix, too.
I got to go back.
We got to do a U-turn here, guys.
We got to go back to the Publix.
Damn it!
The store is busy.
I hear the door opening and closing.
Thank you for calling Publix.
Located at Castleberry Commons.
If you know your party's extension number, you may dial it at any time.
For the bakery, press 1.
Deli, press 2.
Yeah, hi.
I'm here.
I'm waiting on you.
For all other service departments, press 4.
Can you help me out now with that, the food?
Yeah.
Okay.
So I need $20 on pump 4.
Okay.
Yeah, that's it.
Huh?
$20 on pump four.
Okay, I can't put that.
Put it in the computer.
We can't.
Why not?
Yeah, I need $20 on pump four.
Well, you have to come pay first.
Well, I'm doing a prepay.
You can't do that.
Why not?
You know what?
Thank you.
Have a good day.
Come on, motherfucker, you.
Oh, I got the slam.
Yeah, when did, I don't know.
I'm trying to think.
Like in this part of Florida, you couldn't prepay after 9-11.
It stopped when gas hit that price, the post 9-11 price that that ended.
You can I think might have been before.
No, there was that one gas crisis hike like in 99 or early 2000.
That's when it happened.
You could no longer, you know, fuel up and then go inside and pay.
You used to be able to do that, which I like because I used I like to just always fill up the tank.
Right. And this is before I really had a debit card and stuff.
But back then, before that, I could fill up the tank and go back and, you know, pay that exact amount.
Because the places that didn't do that, I would have to go and say, like, all right, let me get $20 to pump four.
I'd go walk outside to pump four.
I'd fill up.
It'd end up being, like, $18 and change.
And I'd have to go back inside to get the $18.
It's just a big pain in the ass.
Let's call that Publix.
I got a lot of shit to do.
Order the gas at a track?
Like what?
Like a trifecta?
I don't know how to order that.
I don't know how to do this.
Because my dad would, but he's an asshole.
He's a piece of shit.
Prepared foods, press three.
One moment, please.
They get mad if you call the order public sub at this time in the morning.
Like, man, we don't got the shit out yet, man.
Hey, we're calling you publicly like Castleberry Commons.
This is Rick.
How can I help you?
Yeah, I need to make an order.
Sure.
What are you looking to pick up?
I need one of these right here.
One of these right here means?
What I'm pointing at on the picture.
Yeah, you guys have, do you have anything for Veterans Day?
Veterans?
Anything going on?
Not that I'm aware of.
I don't believe we have any specific deals for Veterans Day.
Our sale ads run for a whole week, so we do have Veterans Day sales, but nothing in particular just for the day.
Some places are doing the free this, free that.
Do you have a free cookie for Veterans Day, maybe?
Well, I mean, we always have free cookies available at the bakery because we cook them every day.
But as far as I know, I don't have anything free today.
I can check for you real quick if you'd like.
I could double check.
Well, how long is it going to take?
A while, right?
No, like for me, I just call the manager, see if there's any deals on Veterans Day, and then I get back on the phone probably like 20 seconds.
Okay, go ahead.
Yes, no, I do not have any specific items or anything to give away for Veterans Day.
All my sales are a week long, and so the sales that are in place are in place all week.
Honestly, I'll just give you my order, and I'll come pay for it.
Shit.
Okay, and what are you looking to order today?
Okay, I need the one small box of Froot Loops.
Small what?
Box of Froot Loops.
I need one container of the cold Klassen whole dill pickles.
All right, I'm going to have to put you on hold, sir.
I'm actually in the deli.
I can't do any of the personal shopping stuff.
If you have an order for lunch meat, subs, fried chicken, I can take that for you right now.
All right.
Can I get one of these from the deli?
Sure.
This one right here.
Sir, I can't actually see what you're pointing at.
Do you have any...
Well, I'm not looking...
I'm looking in the...
You know, I'm looking at this here.
Like, I'm showing you here.
This.
I'm pointing at it now.
Now I'm pointing at it.
This right here.
Circling it around.
You know there's no way for me to actually see what you're pointing at, right?
You don't have a camera phone?
Well, I don't...
You're calling a store.
you're calling a public deli i'm in the deli on skype i'm on skype shit okay well yeah i can tell
you what it is then yeah yeah so hit me what is it it's like this black girl and she's got a big
ass just trying i'm on skype i'm on skype no i'm not but i could be i could be dwight and i'd be on
skype for now well fuck i was i guess i can't prank a place to say i want a box of fruit loops
and this and that pieces of shit these publics are so in the good they're such a good store
they have personal shoppers now that's dope probably gotta pay more but that'd be cool yeah
that'd be great though i mean it's yeah i'm gonna get me this this is this i'll go pick it up but
there's a store chain up here that lets you you can order your shit online and they put in a cart
and they put it in a room that's a big refrigerated room and then you literally just pull up to the
side of the building you tell them yeah i'm cross like oh hey cross pay the car they bring the food
out to you and i think they put in your car and then you pull a knife out and you put it up to
to the throat of the girl and you're like you come home with me motherfucker and she thinks
you're gonna like kill her or rape her and shit but it's you just want her to put away the groceries
for you too as a joke and then you take her back and she's all like mortified for the rest of her
life and you probably end up you know at least with attempted kidnapping and shit but hey you
got your groceries put away for you fucking shit because you're a veteran that's how veterans think
this is la abundancia bakery the abundance bakery a simple latin american baker shop cafe offering
...offering assorted Colombian treats and savory dishes.
Who's the Colombians in this area?
Is this Little Columbia now?
Fuck, that's nasty.
Those nasty corn-eating motherfuckers, though.
Eating every part of the fucking pig, motherfuckers.
Hey, how you doing?
Hello?
What are you doing?
I'm not speaking English.
Ah, shit.
Has someone speak English?
He said, oh, shit.
He said, oh, shit.
Nope.
I can't do that like Brad does it.
I'm starting to get tired of this shit.
Here's the next one.
No, I don't want a mattress out of it.
Monarch Jewelry.
The Elite Vein Care Center.
Very important to us.
Please wait for the next available agent or press zero.
Can you hold, please?
Is this the Elite Vein Care Center?
Yes, can you hold, please?
Are they on service or is this the actual location?
No, this is the actual office, but can you hold, please?
How long do you think it'll be?
Not very long.
Like a few minutes or less, do you think?
Maybe two minutes, I'm not sure.
Like two whole minutes or up to like three?
I'm sorry?
Like two whole minutes, you think, or you think just like up to like three?
I actually can get somebody right now for you, okay?
Oh, snap.
Hold on just a moment.
Okay, cool.
Thanks.
Thank you for holding.
This is Sabrina speaking.
How can I help you?
Yeah, hi.
This is Vein Care.
I'm sorry?
This is Vein Care.
Vein Care.
You care?
Yes.
Well, we specialize in that as well, but this is the Winter Park Family Practice.
Well, this is Elite Vein Care.
Yes.
I got a referral from my doctor for vein care.
I have a problem with my vein, my main vein.
Okay, so are you needing to schedule an appointment?
Yeah, well, I want to make sure it's a male doctor, not a female.
It is not.
The person who does the treatment is a female.
Well, because this is my penis vein.
You're telling me that the woman's going to see my penis?
Are you being referred here for an ultrasound?
Well, my penis, the vein.
You know how the penis has that vein, the big vein, the main vein?
Yes.
Do you know what I'm talking about?
Have you seen one up close?
Yes, I do.
You've seen one up close?
When you kissed your...
Yes, sir.
Give me just a moment.
When you kissed your boyfriend very special, a special kiss, you know?
No, sir.
You don't do that?
Give me just a moment.
Okay, no problem.
Okay, well, everyone hung up there.
No, no, we won't end the show yet.
I'll keep going.
Now, this is a little strip plaza I used to go to a lot.
There should be a Denny's here. I'm looking for it, but I'm even I must have gone out of business
There used to be a Denny's here at least then there's a Chinese buffets to go to a lot here
But it doesn't show up with a number either. That's a gun must have closed the bodegas here still though
Let's see is it heard maybe I have the wrong Plaza. No, this is the right Plaza. There's friendly confines habaneros Mexican notes
That's the Mexican place and then this here is the what used to be the Puerto Rican style Chinese food
fusion puerto rican chinese food it was really good yeah there's a polish deli up in this
motherfucker now what the fuck there used to be a bodega here in the in a really shitty but very
close to work uh chinese buffet let's see what the street view shows me it's july 2015 so it
should give me a good idea all right the denny's is still there there's a denny's building as of
july still says denny's still has cars parked there it looks open it's friendly confines there's
the head shop oh yeah they uh looks like the bodega and the chinese place are gone i'm looking
at it and they completely there's construction going on in july right there where the where they
used to be and this is retail space release oh wow they kicked out the chinese people and the
bodega fuck wow they completely redid that plaza okay that used to be my playground and i doubt
la granja is open now doesn't say they just make chicken now well let's see if they're there they're
probably getting the chickens ready i'm gonna say i want to fuck a chicken we'll do that again
yay because we love recycling old ideas here so then i'm not even seeing the auto parts hello
the grand just closed the auto okay auto parts is still there i was gonna say i didn't think
that would leave there's the sam's club across the street the little caesars i used to stop
there after work all the time for their five dollars shit pizza shout out to jack masterson
and his calls regarding those indian restaurant no there's university boulevard i will continue
as if i'm going to university i was trying to think what was that's what i want to do i want
to see if i can find i talked about recently this convenience store that used to be like in the
middle of a neighborhood where the guy used to sell a lot of beer i was talking about he got
someone's show was talking about this this guy was fucking badass he ended up getting shot in
Let's see, if I go up Lakemont, pass the hospital, pass the school, take a left on Palmer.
There's the Y.
I forget if I pass the Y or not.
God damn, it was like two YMCs were close to each other.
Anyway, alright, pass Palmer.
There's Loopy Loop Park.
Remembering this, it's going to be a right-hand turn here in a second.
There we go.
There's a car wash there now.
That's neat.
This is a crematorium now.
That does not bode well.
That sucks.
Now I really don't want to move back to Florida.
I thought about saying I want to move back to Florida and talk to my wife about it,
but the more i think about it the more i left there for a reason because it was shitty at the
time it's gotten a little better but i kind of still don't think i like the people there all
right well here's the here it is i'm looking at it on google maps and it looks like it's still
open it's another case of this now where it looks like it's open still to me yeah the cold beer
cigarettes blah blah blah guy there he's there park avenue delhi oh there's a phone number there
is a phone number right on the sign i don't know that's the laundromat next door which is owned by
have the same guy anyway probably rings both the same one that'd be my guess he wouldn't have a
phone in both this guy dude me and him bonded the guy who ended up buying this place he's really
fucking cool guy you know maybe i didn't have this conversation with you guys i think i had it at work
but there was this little tucked in the middle of nowhere i used to take all these back roads
in orlando to get to work like i i took a highway at one point and then it spilled out into a main
road and then a bunch of back roads and lefts and rights and i would cut through a hospital all
all this stuff but it was i proved it after throughout years four years of working at this
place it was the fastest most direct route to get there and i passed some really cool places i
passed the mcdonald's burger king i could stop at a ton of gas stations going each way um i passed
the head shop which is kind of useful on my way home from work um and then this this place here
was like right before it started i came out of this neighborhood and now it kind of curved and
merged onto a busy street and i took a quick left to get through the black neighborhood and then i'd
be at work from the back side i get through the back to the black side i would say to myself but
yeah this guy here it used to be this guy named muhammad muslim guy named muhammad cool dude i
was i really think i maybe i might have said this story to you guys how she used to make the
egg sandwiches for me and stuff she's really cool lady and the guy got he got robbed and the guy
he came out the wife got robbed he was in the back he saw what's happening as they were leaving
leaving they were getting in the car and he went to the door and stood there was like ah fuck you
motherfucking n words he said to them and the guy was like what and he shot at him and it hit him
like in the upper upper left shoulder kind of like but more towards the torso like on back i don't
know whatever and more in the pectoral right in the shoulder joint area and he stood there like
he didn't even go down or nothing he waited until the ambulance got there so he got the cop was
was like damn he took a slug he took a really hard fucking shot he's got balls but they ended
up selling it like the wife was sorry you have reached a number that has been disconnected
yeah they are out of business fuck what was this picture was taken in 2014 it must be recently then
in the last year they closed this place finally i knew they were going to close it's a horrible
location and the guy told me he's like the only reason um i think this place was making money
Money was because he had an open policy where the three local high schools knew that this was the place to get beer.
If you were under 18, he would sell it to you.
He said that he he calculated it was a certain significant percentage, maybe 30 percent, 40 percent of the guy's business.
He calculated was that because he saw the difference.
Like he start he he took this over.
He bought the building from the guy.
It's a laundromat next door.
You know, it's a laundromat on one side.
the other side is a convenience store he bought it from him he saw the numbers about how much
money it made he said there were legit numbers and he said within a week afterwards after he
he started turning away people like he noticed once one person came in asking for beer and he's
like i got to see an id and they're like what are you talking about like muhammad lets us all the
time where's muhammad at he's like muhammad don't fucking work here no more it's my place now get
the fuck out of my store and he said like the beer sales like dropped really fast like oh shit
that must have been like 30 of the guy's fucking business was selling beer to minors um so that
would explain the shitty location but the place had been there for decades and that's why the guy
was making money off of selling beer to kids so he was a local hero at least if i was 18 17 16 20
19 he'd be my hero oh anyway now that story's done we all know that it's out of business now
Now, I will awkwardly attempt to zoom back out.
Here we go.
Look at that.
We took that side trip.
I need a transportation.
Sure, one moment.
Thank you for calling while we connect you to the next available agent.
For quality assurance, your call may be monitored or recorded.
I'm blocking that so it doesn't get out, the name of the business, but now I'm curious who this is.
Customer Services, this is Joanne.
How can I help you?
What?
Who is this?
What company is this?
I was calling for Transportation and Translation Services.
Yes, this is what that is.
Oh, what company is this?
Yes, sir.
Since when is this company?
We've been this company for about a year now.
We used to be, but we got bought out.
You got bought out?
Yeah, we got a different owner to the company now.
So, isn't the owner of the company anymore?
No, sir.
What happened?
Was the business doing bad?
I'm not too sure on the aspect.
He just sold it.
Failed.
Yeah, failed.
I win, I win, I win, I win, I win, I win.
in your face in your face okay well is there anything i can help you with i have a referral
okay is it a patient that we've provided service with before yeah um i need a he needs a he needs
a ride in a car asshole sir are you joking with me right now or i'm a friend but he's not here
but you keep saying all these things to me and i don't know what you want me to do because i don't
I don't know.
Where's all the people that used to be there?
Where's DT?
DT still transports for us.
Oh, fuck.
That's awesome.
Cool.
Okay.
Do you want to speak to my manager, my supervisor?
Did Jacobo die?
What happened to Jacobo?
There's nobody here.
We have Kim as our manager, and we have Mark as our supervisor.
So you can either speak to one of them if you want.
What do you mean?
There's nobody there anymore at all?
We have new employees.
I mean, myself, I've only been here for two years.
We have other people.
So, I mean, I don't know if you want to enter in a service that I can help you with.
Does Jacobo still drive for you guys?
No, he doesn't.
Where's he at?
I have no idea.
Man.
Okay.
Is Neil still driving for you guys?
Neil, yes.
Oh, who is that Haitian guy that I hated so much?
I have no idea.
Who am I speaking with?
My name is, no, I don't want to tell you my name.
Okay, so.
Dacoste, Dacoste.
If I can't help you with anything, then, and you're going to keep insulting the company,
then I'm just going to hang up on you.
Bye.
Have a good day.
The cost!
That made my year.
That made my last ten years.
Sold the company.
Told you.
Ten years ago.
You fuck.
Should have listened to old Carlito, your old pal.
He'd be doing fine right now.
The original Brooklyn Water Bagel Company?
Did they bring the water from Brooklyn?
Is that their fucking gimmick?
Sounds like it probably is.
Let me look at their site.
Brooklyn Water Bagel.
Unless it's a water bagel.
All right, there's a link here that says the water real bagel.
Let's find out.
They use their own proprietary water treatment system known as Brooklyn Water Works.
The original Brooklyn Water Bagel Company can successfully replicate the natural composition of the water
that flows through the Catskill Mountains in upstate New York into the homes of Brooklyn residents.
Imagine that.
Ridiculous.
Here's their website.
Hi, I'm Vinny, the chief bagel craftsman for the Brooklyn Water Bagel Company.
Tiffany, I'm going to show you how we do our maple cinnamon brown sugar bagel today.
It's made with a pure egg bagel, New York style.
We dip it into maple syrup, and then it gets dipped into our maple brown sugar mix.
Then you put it up your ass, and you piss in the dough.
You don't wash your hands after you take a shit, and you mix it all up with your fingers.
You throw in some medical waste, some condoms, and you got Brooklyn Water Bagel.
So you have a system that makes the water just like it's from Brooklyn?
Really?
I don't like the way he's talking to me.
I just want to put it at the original Brooklyn Water Bagel.
Can you hold for a moment?
So you have water that comes from Brooklyn?
I'm sorry?
You have the water that comes from Brooklyn?
Do I have water?
The water you use comes from Brooklyn?
From Brooklyn?
Yeah.
The water comes from Brooklyn?
No, no, no.
The water does not come from Brooklyn.
We emulate the process from Brooklyn.
it's like we use water from florida but it's the same process uh does it have jew tears in it like
the brooklyn water i don't believe so well that's the problem you need to add some jew tears it's a
bagel for fuck's sake okay because them jews you know taking everything running everything
who is this a jewish place or an italian place it's i believe it's jewish oh fuck forget it
I'm out.
All right.
See you.
Bye.
It's today's has been quick, fast, juvenile calls.
It's been fun.
Did I mention how happy I am now that the place I used to work for got bought out?
That's another one off the list.
Well, I didn't mean like that.
I mean, check.
That was me checking off the list.
That was not me loading a shotgun or pumping or whatever you call it.
I think in my mind, I got to think who else is left out of the companies I dealt with.
That one.
Albertsons is out of business.
Food Lion's out of business.
in florida at least i'll count that as a win since they pulled out of the florida market
that's my high school i did part-time work at kmart twice once while i worked there uh well
once i was on madhouse once in the recent era in the last 10 years and that store is definitely
out of florida pulled out pulled out thank let me tell you it's like you're just insulting us here
she wanted to know my name so she could bring it up to some like do you know a so-and-so that used
used to work here they might have someone old enough that remembers yeah that's the guy that's
the guy that said that we were gonna go out of business in 10 years i think i think i told the
the owner i said he had five years left he got really upset at that and like two months later
i was gone i was just being frank during a conference during a fucking conference meeting
we're all having i was like i give us five years i said they're like they're all like
how's he saying he's here the ceo's here and you said that i was like yeah fuck it i keep it real
i kept it real all right all the way to the unemployment line but i milked the fuck out
of unemployment too man well this is interesting let me confirm something well i was looking for
the i was going through my head and i knew okay this place went out of business but and i came
up to one i was like oh i don't know that place hasn't gone out of business yet and i looked for
the number on google maps couldn't find it so i did a search on google and it says here an article
in june of that they is planning a sale to a baton rouge company yeah yeah we did it again
yeah there's another one this is a great day this is the second place that fired me that i found out
today's been bought out yeah yeah yeah
man celebrating the ceo declined to
comment on the bankruptcy or the sale plan wow that was one that was they're so republican
this is where i worked at when 9-11 happened and i was listening to howard stern and i used to get
it glares because i listened to howard stern i work because they're all republicans i remember
and they're all like there's a fucking kid that listens to howard stern how do you even get a job
here and uh they were all listening to howard stern the day that 9-11 happened yeah because
they were all listening because i was the only one that had the street beat oh this place was
horrible this place was so crushing i think it was 20 i was 21 22 when i worked at this place
oh so moralizing this place here in order to get an unemployment i said i don't i can't work here
anymore it's destroying me so here's what i'm gonna do i'm just gonna sit here and not work
and chill and browse websites all day but when people come around i'll make it look like i'm
working um and at some point they'll say hey you're not working like what the fuck we're gonna
fire you we're gonna let you go and then i'm just gonna say well i tried i tried and i'll get
unemployment i didn't even know if it was gonna work and it fucking works that unemployment i
milk for like a year and a half because it was right after it was right when 9-11 happened and
there were so many people unemployed in florida and they federally and they had all these extensions
to unemployment temporary extensions i think i ended up almost two years on unemployment that
time no bullshit it was it was almost a year almost a year i'm sorry but man that was a fun
fucking year that whole year shit i was living at home uh you know my parents at that point again i
i moved back with my parents so i was all i did was fucking smoke and fucking drink i drank a lot
and like there was a while there was a few months there where here's my routine was i would get up
i would wake and bake around 11 o'clock in the morning maybe noon right um i would turn on the
local talk station the real radio that had it's not like news talk and shit it's like fun like
howard stern shock jock talk all day back then that's what it was i will listen to the monsters
of the midday and i would um around 3 p.m would be the replay of the previous night's screen savers
with leo laporte back when it was on you know that's the old tech tv and the old zd net days
so that will come on at three i was like fuck yeah so i will play halo on my computer i will
watch tech tv and then usually i will put mall rats the movie mall rats by kevin smith movie i
I would put it in the DVD player that I bought for $25 at Walmart on Christmas Day, on Black Friday.
And it would just keep repeating.
I memorized the movie Mallrats, and then I was like, well, I've got to check these other ones out.
I started out in the Kevin Smith-esque universe.
I started out with Mallrats.
I had heard about Clerks.
My two friends, Andy and Mike, well, Mike was a film major, so he was really into Clerks and stuff.
And we were still in high school when it came out.
But I didn't really pay attention to it.
i saw mall rats i was like this movie's awesome then i saw clerks and said this is even better
then i saw chasing amy i was like this sucks um yeah but dogma was good uh but yeah that was my
life for like a year um but i made it a point before my mom came home i swept the floor in
the kitchen i prepped dinner i let her cook it because my mom was fucking a beast cooking dinner
there was no way i was going to cook my mom's dinner she wouldn't let me anyway um a because
because i was her baby because she was the fucking puerto rican cooking ninja but i prepped it all
like she would say hey cut up that chicken you know how to cut up that chicken right be careful
with your fingers she'd always freak out i cut up the chicken i'd sweep the floor i'd do the dishes
we didn't have a dishwasher so i had a hand washer more so i pulled my weight i pulled my weight you
know man that was a fun fun time except for my girlfriend at the time she was a bitch let's call
her yeah let's call her i actually still she's on my she's on facebook still and she recently
got engaged so congratulations i know she's not listening fucking bitch but she's cool it's all
right it's all right it's all right it's all right i moved on i'm married i got kids it's all good
um yes i guess we can't call that bank that i used to work at since they're done gone out of
business i can't believe that and i recently looked them up and their site was still it was
still resolving man this place they were such fucking they were so stupid at this bank so yeah
at this bank i literally spent two weeks right and all i did was read um star wars attack of
the clone spoilers and and hang on drudge report uh i don't i try to remember what else about it
i remember that i remember it was star it was episode two spoilers all the fucking time i
remember at one point they're like yeah so it got with us and they say you're surfing a lot
and here are the sites and remember like the force.net starwars.com uh star wars this or is
that george report orlando sentinel.com like yeah like yeah so could you maybe not do that anymore
good you think you get oh yeah yeah i didn't stop surfing i played a lot of mind sweeper i remember
played a lot of solitaire um so after two weeks they held an intervention to like we're giving
giving you a written warning uh you know the next time this could lead up to a termination
uh you have 30 days to improve your output your quality you know your work quality and all those
we need to see you close this many cases in 30 days like oh yeah yeah yeah i'm sorry i'm sorry
yeah yeah funny but listen i didn't even make it i think i made like 10 more days and they're
like all right he's really not he really doesn't give a shit see ya but i i hadn't taken any
need vacation so i cashed in like two weeks vacation two weeks of sick time and uh and i
went on unemployment they tried to fight the unemployment they're like yeah like we uh we had
to get let go of him because he wasn't working enough and i remember like the guy called me
unemployment is like so they said you didn't work enough like i worked as hard as i could it's like
so you work to the best of your ability yes okay that's all i need to hear have a good day and
that was it so they're like totally sided with the worker in that case so like ah fuck i guess
state of florida it's like that they take the workers i thank god they do because there's no
unions in florida man i'm talking anyway i'm just i'm um stalling while i look for a number here
to see if someone is taking calls for these people because this was in july i presume maybe
they still you know they'll take and call machines nah it's not as fun yeah it's not as fun but uh
Yeah, so let me rack my brain.
Let's see who's next on the list of things.
I know the company I used to work at, they got bought out by a big national conglomeration.
They don't exist anymore.
Yeah, because after this job here was the last one we called that's out of business.
So we can scratch that off.
The next place I've already called several times in the past, I usually call them with Matt.
They're a certain company.
I'm not going to get into it because I know for a fact.
Well, let me double check.
Just to make sure.
we called them i'm gonna say maybe well probably called them a year ago and see if their website's
still up website is still up doesn't mean anything yeah they look like they're still open
it says open today etc etc yeah i don't feel like messing with their website has a picture
that dopey guy used to work that's awesome um let's see after this place was after this place
was a company i know it's never gonna go out of business they're open still it's a call center i
I can't call.
Well, I could try to call the call center, but I don't know what contracts they handle
now, you know?
It's one of those companies that handles different contracts for different companies.
Mega conglomeration.
I think there's only one in the country, so you guys probably know who I'm talking about
already.
That's where I was working for a while.
Worked there a year and a half.
After that, I'm bored with this anyway.
I'm going to go.
I'm sorry to keep you guys hanging, talking so long and not do a call for so long.
You know, I know that's bullshit.
You guys, some of you are probably like, oh, he's going to do one more.
He's going to do one more.
All right, I'll do one more then.
I'll do one more, and this is it.
For those of you who hung on until the end, thank you for doing so.
I ended up in New Smyrna Beach for some reason.
All right, well, I don't know what to do here.
We can call my old bait shop I used to go to.
Huh?
How about that?
Let's do that.
Found it.
Found it.
Let's see if they answer.
Yeah, you got live bait machines.
Live bait machines.
You have the machines that hold the bait.
Oh, there's a machine to hold a bait.
Well, where you put them in now, they're alive, right?
Well, yeah.
Yeah, because you either have frozen bait, or you got the live machine, the machine that
keeps them alive.
Sure.
Yeah, whatever you call it.
a machine isn't it you tell me it's not a machine it doesn't take electricity it doesn't have moving
parts nothing that makes it go it's just it just sits there like that yeah well you're a woman so
you don't understand do you have mullet do you have mullet does your pussy smell like mullet
right now i can leave i'm out of here y'all have a fucked up day happy veterans day motherfuckers
yeah if you're a veteran go out and get some free shit on carlito

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