PCN Christmas Eve Show with Carlito & RBCP

seconds. The vehicle now pressurized. This time up on the 40 second mark. T minus 40 seconds and

counting. T minus 40. All reports look good from here in the blockhouse at this time. All aspects

of the mission go. T minus 30 seconds and counting. We'll get ignition of those eight engines in the

first stage at the three second mark in the countdown. T minus 21 seconds and counting. We

have come transferred. The Saturn 1B launch vehicle, which now weighs 1.3 million pounds, is ready to go.

Coming up on the 10-second mark.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 3, 2,

Ignition.

This is Christmas.

Have you done?

Back over the head.

Punch in the face I ever got.

God damn it!

Any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me?

I have one.

I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight.

I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people.

And I want him brought right here with a big ribbon on his head.

And I want to look him straight in the eye.

I don't want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-beating, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is.

Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?

Ladies and gentlemen, right now we'd like to get ready to introduce the star of our show, the young man you've all been waiting for, Mr. Soul!

So what do you say, let's all get together and welcome him to the stand with a great big hand!

I am Carlito, host of this show.

And I'm here with Mr. Brad.

I want to be the host.

Okay, Brad's here hosting, and I'm Carlito.

All right.

Is he?

No, he's a shit.

Look at that asshole.

Fuck him.

No, don't say that. He actually thinks it's serious.

He doesn't understand it.

He doesn't understand the joking

Wow, this is an annoying song

Alright

Well, you like bells and rings

Yeah, you're a big bell fan

Okay, we're doing a Christmas show

Christmas Eve show

Like we did two years ago

And I think the year before that too

It's always fun

What happened last year that we did?

Oh, you had your kids last year

Did I?

Oh, yeah, that wasn't last year

I don't know what happened last year

I think we had a falling out or something like that

yeah yeah that might have been the time we got in a big fight yeah uh you don't have an echo

anymore do you no no i'm i was having a little bit of a hard time hearing over the music but

it's a little lower now i think maybe good i controlled that thank you thank you you wanted

me to make myself control that okay so brad you got some numbers for us and dwight send me the

man dwight i'm gonna add dwight and you can be the host it's fine i don't have to be the host

oh all right you can add boy oh can i i don't know can you let's see i never know what to look

for in skype because he's dwight one day he's ken the next day something dwight he was mop man the

other day there he is mop man would be cool all right mop man is here all right and we'll watch

out for milkman to join again um so yeah like i said brett's got some numbers dwight's got some

numbers coming in yeah yeah i've got um i i was i kind of wanted to get uh you know the layaway

numbers but then i figured that would be pointless because wouldn't they have already paid those off

by tonight by now yeah i think most of them don't even run lay away after november yeah

if they hadn't you know pick them up by now we just have to make fun of them be like haha you

couldn't get your kids toys by christmas yeah i'm such a fucking loser of a parent

and that would just turn sad and ugly and people would cry i think walmart has year-round line

i think so so that wouldn't be an issue i think kmart does like a year round oh yeah okay i don't

know okay who goes to kmart but what you got were portrait studio numbers yeah oh yeah yeah i just

forgot to get to that point yeah portrait studio people we can do that do you do the whole uh you

know caller id spoofing thing yep yep you give me a number to spoof as sure i can do that okay

i just posted it in there to get my wallet because i need more credit okay that should be all right

I guess I'll just send you one number at a time.

That's fine.

Yeah, that makes it easier for me.

Let's do a sing-along.

There's not enough sing-alongs on Prank Call Nation.

Not at all.

Not enough in musicals.

Someone needs to come up with a musical prank show.

We're like, oh, the prank victim and the pranker sing the pranks.

We could do Christmas carols tonight.

Christmas carols.

Oh, you are hosting this call.

What?

No, I'm not.

No, you just dialed.

Oh, wait.

Oh, no, the Skype.

I just conference you guys on Skype for audio purposes.

Yeah, but you conference me, and then you conference Milkman,

so that would make you in charge.

This is going to be just like the other night

when I gave you those cardings, and none of them picked up.

I think there was one pick up that hung up real quick.

I have 30 of these, so...

Okay, we got it.

One of them should pick up.

I'm doing Tammy again.

The first one.

I've got Soda here, yes.

Oh, zero, yeah.

Let's embalm my insides.

your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message you're a big pepsi fan you used

to drink a lot of pepsi on your shows and then lately i haven't heard you talking about it has

that gone away yeah it's been i've been pepsi free six months really seriously quick give me

applause yeah good uh where's my applause here here we go uh medium applause that was medium

applause that's the fastest kind of like wrapping papers all right well good good for you are you

you doing diet or just water what are you what are you doing i i'm replacing all my pepsi drinking

with uh water hawaiian punch and beer oh hawaiian punch oh yeah but you know there's no caffeine

the caffeine is the problem is replaces it with tons and tons of sugar yeah yeah i don't care

about sugar sugar doesn't bother me but i'm sleeping really good at night now it's crazy

i used to think i had insomnia my entire life but it turns out it's just caffeine like for me

i'm not kidding i did you go through the caffeine withdrawal if you really did oh yeah really yeah

Yeah, I had headaches and cold sweats.

I felt like a heroin addict or something.

Yeah, I used to drink these energy drinks.

They were like tall boys.

I would say about three times your average Red Bull.

Big, tall can.

It was called Buku, and it had the most caffeine out of anybody in the market.

It used to sell at a 7-Eleven in Florida.

And I would have one of these daily.

And when I did the show back then, I would have one before the show, too.

And one time I had a freakout on the caffeine.

i drank like two of these within too close of each other and i had to freak out when i was

trying to do a show but anyway after that i stopped i got myself off of uh coffee and

caffeine for a while yeah and i did yeah i went through the headaches and the fucking oh it's

horrible i couldn't function for like two days two three days it took me to kind of really be

able to kind of shake out of it um i found myself drinking decaf tea which has it's not caffeine

free tea when you see decaf or coffee you see cat decaf it means it's decaffeinate as in you know

it's lower in caffeine but it does still have a little bit in there ah yeah so you can kind of

zero by the way is that zero calories or zero zero calories it has caffeine it has a lot of

caffeine it has more caffeine than regular coke does ah okay and uh yeah it's it's just it's the

exact coke formula with aspartame instead of sugar and diet coke is a completely different

different formulation from the 80s they don't even follow the regular cookie it's just a bunch

of shit they put together back in the 80s i don't even touch that i mean that's even i mean not that

the coke zero is good for you but at least it's not a fucking science project from the 80s yeah

yeah um okay so we're gonna try another number here let's see the last one i did was the one

that ends in that if i dial this we'll try it again big paul portrait studios um do the

walgreens and stuff have portrait labs anymore i don't think they do they're just kiosks kiosks

no they're gone yeah they used to have one in every single walmart because uh you could call

into them and you can hack their answering machines everyone used the same answering machine

and the code on every machine was 500 wow so we changed a bunch of those and you know customers

would leave messages and that's you know i could call up the customers and be like

they need number three i guess yeah number three i'm trying to think i don't know anyone who

where was i was somewhere and i saw people dropping off photos uh i think it was target

yeah target and um uh olin mills uh uh jc penny i think well i mean like where you just drop off

film you know what i mean like you drop off film to get developed into prints you know i'm talking

about yeah i know walmart does that walmart does that still okay yep well those are the kiosks

yeah well then they're kiosks now kiosks because you say but i'm saying where they actually have

a department where they're actually making it still i don't think anyone really does it anymore

more i don't know oh and walgreens you know they they do whatever they do walgreens and cvs they

still take film walgreens yeah that'd be a good one to call that's what we did the one time i got

a lot of angry people from those because in the holidays a lot of them are like oh yeah we're

just taking christmas pictures we're gonna fly back to whatever let's get them developed before

we leave yeah because i was i worked in the what they call the lobby department in albertsons in

the front of the store i've talked about this before but it was the it was the movie rentals

cigarettes and um fucking the uh the film developing this is a big machine it was really

stupid and easy to just jam the film in there and just spit it out sometimes it screwed it up

but it spit it out yeah so anyway we'd always get really busy in the holidays i'm rambling i'm sorry

i'll be quiet let's keep going god come on get with it jesus christ this gabapentin i take for

my ankle pain it uh it says on a ball that'll make you talkative and holy shit i take it right

before they show them like since they're like a disclaimer bad for radio hosts yeah we're good for

radio i mean yeah don't take this before you get interrogated by anyone basically it's truth serum

yeah that's what about a hundred people have asked if we're going to uh uh start world world war three

tonight oh it's just glass time don is don there oh don that's burr snyder i just i heard the crazy

static sounds and i thought she hung up no it's okay donnie donnie oh that's right so so we called

don and i started talking about world war three that's right we got a call norad machine i totally

forgot brad how can you forget that you're gonna have to do me a favor though okay consider it done

yes i need you to use your caller id from your personal home for this call now um what what i

need is okay i don't have a dial pad in front of me and i know the number is 1-800-HI-NORAD

but i don't know how to spell out hi norad i thought maybe you know how how do you oh yeah

here's how is that do the a b c d e f thing okay one eight hundred so h i g h no h i

yeah no i don't know hi like they're high no like hello or might be triple eight one of those

i'm sure someone in the chat room has done it before you know type this out there did you do

that by memory did you look at something oh no i have a phone i have a real phone right here

desk phone just like the ones they use in the office i have one but it's behind me and that's

too much i think it's triple alert well i called i was trying to i was trying to call my nephew

and uh they're they said it said we're too busy call back later norad's like it's those guys from

last year the number you have dialed has been changed from your calling area please have a

okay hang on let me just look it up okay maybe there's no right but i'm doing this wacky thing

on twitch.tv slash prank call nation where i'm i'm rebroadcasting the shows on there to in to

attempt to get new listeners probably a stupid idea well whatever whatever works that's a good

thing i like playing games and listening to prank calls yeah that's the thing when when gta comes

out for the pc i'm gonna be on there all the time i play it constantly on xbox that's what i did all

day today like eight hours straight nothing but gta and uh go but yeah i always play gta while

listen to the prank shows, like G-Ad

and stuff, so I can just start doing that.

I'll start playing it once.

Yeah, I'll go on there once I start playing GTA 5,

which is when it comes out on Steam

in two months or a month and a half.

Less than a month, or about a month, like the end

of January. But yeah, if people

are listening, if you're listening on Mixler on your PC,

fuck that shit. Just go to

twitch.tv slash prankcallnation

and you can listen that way.

And this is probably going to backfire on us because we just got the

chat room under control in Mixler.

we'll probably just have to give up on this

yeah now you'll see my

family pictures now

we won't go into it

it was 877 Brad that's why

I'm so stupid

and you know what's funny on the website

and I noticed this when I was looking at this with my nephew

earlier tonight

it also says

this is via phone 877 Hi Norad

and then call us using Skype too

I'm like uh

oh they're trying to trick you

please Skype us

We know who you are.

You would never know who you are that way.

Thank you for calling the NORAD Track Santa Operation Center.

All of our Santa trackers are currently on the line with other callers.

Please call back at a later time.

I don't think they answer that anymore.

Not since the incident.

You think?

Oh, shit.

Look, last time we did this, we nearly started a war.

Last year, we spent about $2 million in jet fuel.

Thank you for calling the NORAD Track Santa Operation Center.

Some hassle called in.

You put them in the red with your little...

We're almost there, damn it.

Fiscal year was almost over.

One week left.

Calling the NORAD Track Santa hotline.

Radars indicate Santa has launched off from the North Pole.

Yay!

A NORAD Santa Tracker will be with you in a moment.

You may want to visit us online for exciting Santa updates at...

Hello, NORAD Track Santa.

This is Good Airman, First Class Whiteboard Thinking.

How may I help you?

Hey, yes.

Is this Santa Tracker machine?

Oh, yes.

We do check Santa.

Okay, can we go ahead and divert Santa Claus?

I don't want him to come over my goddamn fucking property.

I'm sorry.

I couldn't hear you very well.

I need you to have Santa Claus diverted.

I don't want him to come over my house.

I'm not sure if we can divert Santa Claus.

Can you find out?

Because my kid's been a motherfucking asshole.

My son over here, I find he's having sex with his girlfriend in my bed when I'm at work with no protection.

Yeah.

His name's Arby.

he's right here all right he's currently over aruba okay he's only been to like the northern

united states or north what eastern united states can you contact the ruba control and have them

divert him please um yeah all right i'll wait for that go ahead tell them confidence is high yeah

all right oh my god hold up yeah are we good yeah all right you let him know i don't want to see

that motherfucker at my house all right all right all right thank you bye bye i just realized i

I should have changed that caller ID as something else.

Ah, screw it.

I don't know.

Who was it we sent it to?

The Sears portrait?

Okay, good.

We're good.

Tell that motherfucker to stay out of my airspace.

Major Harborough, we're getting calls from a Sears portrait studio.

Thank you for calling the NORAD.

Fuck you.

I know that's the one.

Hi there, Dwight.

Dwight.

Hey, how's it going?

Thank you for calling the NORAD.

What are you telling the bird, Santa?

He was such a good actor.

I was completely convinced that he asked.

Thank you for calling the NORAD.

It's like when I've called Medieval Times and they always call you my lord.

They have to keep playing into the whole theater of things, theatrics of it, while you're on the phone even.

He was doing that, the whole theatrics of, yes, little kid, we're tracking Santa.

Oh, he's over a rooble right now.

Thank you for calling the NORAD track Santa operations.

Want me to keep trying so you can talk to him, Brad?

Are you scared?

Are you intimidated?

I don't know what to say to him.

Thank you for calling the NORAD.

i had a thought of a whole bunch of these today and i forgot thank you for calling the note

all right i know i wanted santa diverted what else can i tell him i'm gonna shoot that

motherfucker down if he comes over my house approximately seven ak-47 rifles here thank

you for calling oh i was gonna ask will he go to north korea and politically correctly i bet you

he says yes he will and i say when he goes to kim jong-un's place can he do what the interview

was gonna do and blow the motherfucker up that's he just like throw some poop on his house yes

why not thank you for calling the norad i was gonna ask like is the santa claus on our side

is santa claus a communist or thank you for calling the norad

but santa claus oh i need an answer for that come on thank you for calling the norad

oh god man what happened with the movie like i know they canceled it and they brought it back

Thank you for calling the NORAD Track Santa hotline.

Radars indicate Santa has launched off from the North Pole.

A NORAD Santa tracker will be with you in a moment.

You may want to visit us online for exciting Santa updates at www.NORADSanta.org.

Do you want to do the North Korea thing?

Or another one?

Yay.

Here's somebody.

Thank you.

Merry Christmas.

Hi, this is Al.

I'm with NORAD Track Santa, and we're tracking Santa Claus across the world.

How can I help you?

Can you tell me what time he'll be in North Korea, please?

I'm sorry, say that again.

What time will he be in North Korea?

Oh, North Korea?

Yes, what time will he be there?

I don't know.

I can tell you that everything looks good.

He's right on schedule.

and right now he's over the amazon rainforest in brazil so can he everything looks good can he go

by like where the colombian fark is on his way up and you know do some shit to them i'm sorry it's

really noisy in here yeah listen listen listen can can you go ahead and instruct them to carry

out a mission when he goes over fark territory in colombia coming up next so so i think what i heard

was when will it be over Michigan, and he has not gotten there.

No, no.

No, Colombia, the country of Colombia.

Oh, the country of Colombia.

Yeah, I want him to spread coca leaf eradication pesticide.

Roundup, I need to send him an order.

It's a secret mission.

He needs to go ahead and release the Roundup anti-coca leaf pesticide

in support of eradication on the war of drugs.

All I can tell you is we're tracking him.

We don't have personal contact with him.

So we can see him on the satellite cam.

We're following him on radar, but I don't have a direct connection to Santa Claus.

Can you go ahead and scramble something in the area?

We've given him fighter escorts to Newfoundland

That's about as far as we're going

Thank you very much and Merry Christmas

Oh man

It's like NORAD can't afford noise cancelling mics apparently

I know. I had to take over because I could do it louder without an echo for you.

When are you going to be over North Korea?

Michigan?

Oh, my God.

So what I think you said is...

God damn.

They sound like they all got drunk on eggnog in there, all that noise.

Thank you for calling the NORAD track...

Maybe it's an Indian call center now.

I don't know.

It's like a straight-up 20-year-old call center.

Thank you for calling the NORAD track...

Hello, NORAD. My name is Jim.

Hello. This is Commander Arbip.

I mean, that's bullshit.

He went from Aruba to the Amazon rainforest that fast?

My ass.

Does anyone want to call them back?

You know, Aruba is just off the coast of South America.

You can, like, almost swim to South America from Aruba.

Thank you for calling the NORAD track.

Sounds like there's a lot of sea snakes around there, Milk.

Thank you for calling the NORAD Track Santa Operation Center.

Well, Armando, look, you've got to think first.

Give them the benefit of the doubt.

Thank you for calling the NORAD Track Santa Operation Center.

You went by the Panama Canal.

Hold on, wait a minute.

Think about it now.

Oh, I think we've got it.

I think we've got it.

For calling the NORAD Track Santa Hotline,

radars indicate Santa has launched off from the North Pole.

A NORAD Santa Tracker will be with you in a moment.

You may want to visit us online for exciting Santa updates at www.NoradSanta.org.

Ask if he went to North Korea.

Thank you for calling NoradTrack Santa.

This is Miranda.

How can I help you?

Hi.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Brad was going to talk, but he's in the bathroom.

Okay.

Did Santa Claus go?

Does he go to, like, bad places like North Korea where the bad people are bad?

Santa Claus goes everywhere all around the world.

Is he on our side or not?

Is he on our side or not, the motherfucker?

Santa Claus is on the side of everybody that's good, decent, and doesn't cuss.

Have a Merry Christmas.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Santa's a fence straddler.

Brad, I didn't hear you.

I had to take over.

What happened?

You didn't want to do it?

Oh, I left for a second.

He messaged.

He had to go pee.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I had to go remove my pants.

I forgot that I had pants on.

Fuck pants.

I should not have cursed.

I had great questions about why Santa Claus goes to bad people's houses.

Thank you for calling the NORAD...

Did you say Santa hates everyone that curses?

She goes to everyone's house who's something something and doesn't curse.

Well...

Same if they have a rest stop for Santa.

You know, like where he pulls over in midair.

Can you divert Santa?

Thank you for calling the NORAD track Santa off...

First guy was very loud.

Just pictures of beach blonde fucking...

Fucking, oh, no, man.

Thank you for calling the NORAD.

Oh, dude, I don't know.

Are you still calling from the portrait studio?

Thank you for calling the NORAD.

Yeah, I don't care.

It's just funny because we've got angry customers and NORAD calling them.

Thank you for calling the NORAD Track Center.

Oh, man.

I'm hoping we get the First Lady to pick up.

She's working the phones tonight.

Oh, we're in, we're in, we're in, we're in.

Thank you for calling the NORAD Track Center hotline.

Radars indicate Santa has launched off from the North Pole.

A NORAD Santa Tracker will be with you in a moment.

You may want to visit us online for exciting Santa updates at www.NORADSanta.org.

Left to North Pole.

Thank you for calling NORAD Tracker Santa.

This is Luke. Can I help you?

Hello, this is... Hi, I need to find out when Santa's going to be over North Korea.

Do you have, like, a schedule for him?

North Korea. Well, he's currently in the Amazon rainforest in Brazil,

and I do not have an ETA at the moment for North Korea.

All right.

Okay, but it's probably going to be...

Can you have him drop some poop on Kim Jong-whatever's house?

I'm sorry?

Have him squat in the sleigh and take a big dump in his hand

and throw it on Kim Jong's house, Jung-woo, whatever that guy's name is.

It would be Kim Jong-un?

That's it, yeah.

Can you throw poop at Kim Jong-un?

I don't think Santa does that.

Why not?

Is he a communist?

No, but Santa brings gifts to the good boys and girls

and brings coal to those that aren't.

Well, instead of coal, can he just shit in his hand

and drop it on his house?

I don't know if Santa would be willing to do that.

Well, he'll put coal in people's stockings.

What's the difference?

Does he hate America? Is that it?

Have a good evening.

Does he hate America? Answer.

That's fascinating.

Shit would be more green than throwing coal, right?

That's true.

Why do they go with coal instead of a bag of switches?

Thank you for calling the NORAD track.

It'd be way better if he was throwing shit.

Especially if that motherfucker sounds right.

I mean, we got a bag of switches.

You're the bad kid.

Is he a communist?

Thank you for calling the NORAD track.

They don't know what to say about North Korea.

They're just stumped.

Thank you for calling the NORAD track.

We could ask a whole bunch of weird shit.

Is he going to Iran?

Thank you for calling the NORAD track.

Well, what does Santa do when he gets there?

Thank you for calling the NORAD track.

how does santa go to dodge his bullets chat room give us

give us suggestions for funny stuff we can ask about santa or just to norab but not

don't ask don't tell us oh yeah we're gonna blow no we're not gonna do santa drop a new

nothing negative like thank you for calling the norad tracks nothing like this is looking glass

we have three tracks coming in from the soviet union that's just irresponsible yeah nobody would

do that that's against the prank rules of course not where's the christmas music milkman fuck your

lazy bastard thank you for calling the norad track santa operation center all of our santa

trackers are currently on man they got a lot of people calling thank you for calling

i was at petco tonight and you know they have the sign-up sheets at the door

okay yeah yeah they had a sign-up sheet on how to potty train your dog thank you for calling

it only had one number in there so i didn't bother snapping a picture of it hey no joke

Look, my wife used to be a dog trainer.

She got paid money to teach people how to train their dogs.

Behavior and stuff.

Wouldn't that be great, though, to, like, call them up and give them lessons, like, over the phone?

Like, how to potty train your dog?

Okay, yeah.

I'm here for your seminar.

Now, Express is anal gland.

You asked for a phone call from us?

You smack that mutt in the mouth so he'll shut up.

Dwight, you want it?

Yeah.

All right, you know what?

Thank you for calling the Noratrack Santa hotline.

Radars indicate Santa has launched off from the North Pole

At NORAD Santa Tracker

We'll be with you in a moment

You may want to visit us online

For exciting Santa updates

At www.NORADSanta.org

Happy Milkmask Milkman

Hello NORAD Tracker Santa

This is Mary may I help you

How you doing there Mary

I'm trying to get a position on old Santa there

Sir he's in Bolivia right now

And then he's going to go to Peru

And then later tonight

tonight uh he'll be in the u.s and he'll visit everybody after they're asleep tonight

fantastic uh q tell me um when he prepared to take off does he have like a uh like a checkoff

sheet he's got to do with you guys i'm i'm sorry i couldn't uh make out oh no i'm saying when santa

he you know the checkoff sheet does he have a checkoff sheet in order to you know to do lift

off a lift off yeah does he got to have like an a checkoff sheet with you guys you know he's got

got to check the uh the uh sleigh and all that before he takes off no he kind of runs his own

show oh do you know if uh mrs claus gave him some pussy before he took off i'm not sure sir

well she wouldn't be a very good wife if she didn't all right you have a merry christmas

has santa ever ate your pussy all right bye-bye kisses all right means yes

i want a recording of that hurry down the chimney tonight of what recording of what

of the background right that place that's awesome great i know you know what before we end i will

call it and just let it sit there for a little bit without answering see if we can get some of it

or we could be like hey we're calling from the corporate office we need to just be silent for

one minute while we make a loop yeah fuck it all right we'll do it um here real quick before we

We do another one.

Have a moment of silence.

I want to read that.

Santa perished tonight.

We need a moment of silence.

No.

A moment of silence.

Look.

Here's some suggestions from the chat room.

Complain Santa made sexual advances towards your wife.

This is what.

No, no, no.

Can Santa swing by Victoria's Secret to buy my wife some panties?

That comes from Dr. L.

Could we be like, this is the corporate office from the North Pole, and we need to let you

know some bad news.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, sure.

Santa's dead.

Tell all the kids to call that he's dead.

He's going to run out of fuel.

Just tell them Santa's down.

Santa's down.

He just sent us an SOS, Mayday signal, to the corporate office.

Thank you for calling.

We needed to scramble some F-16s.

Thank you for calling.

Where is he over now?

Thank you for calling to NORAD.

We could tell him he flew into a mountain on his way to Peru.

That happens a lot.

and blame the lady that answers

it's your fault if you would have checked

the radar

you're responsible

you're going to be sued

you're going to be charged with manslaughter

real quick does anyone know where the

thank you for calling the

the movie what was it

Alive is that the one

where they started eating each other after the plane crash

thank you for calling the

I never saw that was that old

93-ish? 94-ish?

Uh, I'm a second.

True story. It was a true story.

Thank you for calling to Norris.

I'll find it once I can stop doing this.

Thank you for calling to Norris.

What were you asking about Alive, though?

Uh, like, what region that was.

What it's called, the mountain and all.

That's what I was going to say.

He went down over there.

This is down in that area.

Jesus, how do I?

Oh, wait, no, never mind.

Wikipedia, look for Alive movie.

yeah i'm looking at the imdb

they know everything

oh come on you fucking kids stop calling

how fun it would be if it was if they were being hit up with calls blog talk

btr blog talk tonight style right now

go ahead brad i'm sorry i interrupted you i'm just i'm enjoying the music

oh thank you for calling it's very disney isn't it the best

thank you for calling the norad they do close eventually thank you for calling it was filmed

in the canadian rockies does that does that count no or is look at the look for the real there's

gonna be a link for the real story or it might be in the plot like where they crash all right

i'll take a break from dialing and look thank you for calling we gotta call some photo people

yeah let's do that also if you want i've got uh i've had a bunch of um carding people call in

that's true we did talk about the cardings yeah and i i haven't touched any of those since i gave

you those numbers i didn't answer them tonight so those are still good all right well let's do

some cardings oh okay hold voicemail okay oh you gotta do it by voicemail all right well give me

um can you give me one of the port studios yeah this is the christmas show i'm carlito i'm here

with uh arby roy i'm also here with uh milkman yeah merry christmas milkman yay and milkman's

here happy christmas yes and dwight's here also hey dwight big ken oh yeah oh yeah yeah dwight

the rock bop riding man just wanted to mention i did beat dwight in the playoff so i am not the

worst player in the league oh yeah for the second year in a row second year in the road dwight came

came in last acres came in first yes and i got robbed again no i didn't joanne ran i was gonna

say somebody told me that the band bombed the what no one told you what bombay band chose

did they i think they did by the way i see in the room says it's the andes mountain the andes

oh the andes there we go and where are those at peru oh i don't know south america wait thank

you milkman i'm gonna drop out thank you let's thank professor milk hello hello yes hi i'm

I'm calling from the Portrait Studio.

Is this Joanne?

Joanne, hi, Joanne.

We're developing your report.

We're putting them through the computer system right now.

We were a little backed up because of the holidays.

Anyhow, we're going to have to ask you to come back in and retake these pictures,

preferably, I know tomorrow's Christmas, but if you could come tomorrow,

because we have a lot of shit we've got to do.

Okay, that's not even possible.

Why not?

because the people that were in the picture are leaving well i guess you're not i'm sorry but

they're not you're not going to be able to get the pictures okay yeah i mean the computer system

scans for inappropriateness inside the pictures like if you're wearing you know something that's

revealing too much something like that what are you talking about well something kicked up here

on the portraits on the pictures we took i don't know if maybe maybe you were showing too much

cleavage or you maybe had erect nipples or something like that sometimes that triggers it

but you know what i don't think you're from target at all i think you're a pervert no ma'am i'm

calling you from the portrait studio i'm letting you know the computers kicked out because they're

inappropriate you were wearing something that was inappropriate some woman in this picture here is

wearing something very inappropriate like what um she's showing too much cleavage and then there's a

uh like a child here who's showing the middle finger what the woman is making a v with her

her fingers put it up to her mouth and stuck her tongue through it in one of the pictures ma'am

oh that is not our pictures this is disgusting no you're disgusting ma'am you should be ashamed

of yourself to have your family in these pictures like this yes hi sir um we need you to come and

retake these pictures please that were taken i don't know if you were in them but you few

the people in these pictures were very very inappropriate they were yeah i was in the

pictures and there was nothing inappropriate we had a five-year-old in the folder yeah are you

You're the one with the erection?

The erection?

You are a...

It was show...

Sir, it's clearly here.

The computer kicked it out.

It has it marked as an erection.

It has it blacked out.

I guess maybe you had, like, an erection under your pants.

I mean, it's natural.

It happens.

What is your name?

My name is Cross.

What?

Cross.

You still don't make any sense.

You're muffling your name.

Cross.

My name is Cross, motherfucker.

And you don't give me any shit.

I got a lot of shit I gotta do.

Now?

Yes.

Roy?

What?

Hold on.

Just a moment.

I got this asshole customer over here.

This is the manager.

This is Roy.

Can I help you?

I don't believe you.

What do you mean you don't believe me?

I've been the manager here for three and a half years now.

What's not to believe?

What do you mean you don't believe me?

What's the problem?

Why are you asking for me?

Okay, you guys are calling us and telling us that we had inappropriate things in our picture.

Oh, you're that person.

Okay, yeah, the computer blocked that stuff out.

It automatically puts the blocks over it, and then it just writes in white text what was happening in the pictures.

There's a block that says erect penis.

And then there's another block over this lady's mouth that says V-shape with the fingers and tongue sticking out.

That's not us because we looked at our pictures and none of that was in there.

You guys are the wrong people.

No, no, we don't have the wrong people.

We know what we're doing here.

We know how to do our jobs.

No, you don't.

You're calling on Christmas Eve to talk about this?

Yeah, yeah, thanks to you.

I'm working on Christmas Eve because we have to take care of this before Christmas.

Oh, thanks to me.

Yeah, yeah, you basically ruined my night.

Maybe you need to go through some management training, moron.

I've been a manager for three and a half years.

Have you?

Have you ever been a manager?

I got a call from Target.

I got them on the other line right now.

Who's the question for?

What's going on?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

She's telling me who the manager is.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Sir?

Sir, what's going on?

I don't even know what's going on.

Are you talking to someone else or me?

Hello?

Who, me?

The reporter people are cussing us out.

I can't hear you.

Take it off speaker, you retard.

Excuse me?

I couldn't hear you.

you're like you you've put the phone away or something i couldn't even hear you put your mouth

up to the phone that's how it works look i just want to say hey nice parenting skills with those

gestures that your kids are making way to be a parent way to go but kids are in it you're the

shittiest parent i've ever seen like for number one you have an erection that's disgusting then

you got your kids like flipping off the camera my name is hello hello can you hear me hello

Hello? Hello, hello?

Sir, this is really rude of you.

Mike, do you want me to hang up or keep listening?

Who the fuck's Heather? I mean, like, who's he?

He's talking to the real manager at the store.

He asked for Heather to get Heather answered.

You really didn't know that, Brandon?

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

You called the bad target on your phone.

He's got the manager on us. Her name's Heather.

It's like 9 o'clock at night over there.

He called somebody.

Hey, how you doing? You still there, buddy?

What's your name?

Yeah, this is Dwight, the janitor.

The manager had to walk away.

He said he's got some important shit to do.

So he told me to ask you what your fucking problem is.

Police.

They're going to be out there.

Why?

Because you can't take appropriate pictures, I guess?

I don't even know.

I just cleaned the toilets around here.

He handed me the phone.

Oh, God.

I think maybe you should call him back, and I'll set things straight.

Okay, yeah, please.

Thank you.

Shit.

That was awesome, man.

Dude, he was about to freak.

He was like, no, no, no.

Hello?

Hello, sir. This is Greg. I'm the producer here at the Skippy and Dippy Wacky Morning Show here on the radio on K-Fall.

And I just wanted to get your permission to air the prank call we just made to you.

Oh, look, you just got to step back and look at it from everyone else's perspective.

No, I'm not stepping back and looking at anything.

No, it's funny. It's just a prank call. You need to lighten up.

No, it is not.

Christmas spirit.

You won a prize. You won a free CD of Josh.

I don't care what I won.

You can give me a freaking cruise, but I don't care.

Merry Christmas, motherfucker.

You're not airing that.

Merry Christmas. Yay.

That was absolutely vulgar.

It was funny.

But it's supposed to be.

It's a funny, wacky morning prank.

We're going to edit out the vulgar stuff.

We're just going to edit out the vulgar stuff.

That's all.

No, absolutely not.

Come on.

We just need your permission to play it on the air so everyone can laugh at you.

What radio station is this?

We're just going to edit out the not part.

He said absolutely we'll get permission.

We're at 98.6 in the mouth.

Absolutely not.

Come on, man.

Motherfucker.

We need this.

He said, absolutely.

I heard it in the recording.

It's just gold.

It's radio gold, motherfucker.

It was wacky, you know?

Just like our show.

Do you listen?

Are you a listener?

No, I'm not.

I'm not even from this area.

Are you a golfer?

You like golfing, buddy?

Hey, listen, Mike.

What's your favorite radio station?

The Prank Show on Christmas Eve with wacky prank calls.

You guys like some...

Go prank somebody else.

You guys like some Disney bucks?

You can spend at Disney?

Listen, buddy.

You'll feel better when Santa comes by tonight and tells that kid to shut the fuck up.

Hey, don't be mad at us because you're a bad parent.

Wow.

Okay, well, that's good smoothing over.

Good work.

We diffused the situation.

He's not going to call the police.

That was vulgar.

Hello, police.

The DJs were wacky at me.

That was a very creative throw, man.

I mean, I'm very proud of that one.

That was beautiful.

Dude, but seriously, though, when he first called, I don't know if you heard him,

but he was like like he was breathing like he was trying to run up the stairs to get the phone

is what happened he had to jump off the couch he was like he said he goes

we came in for a setting yesterday and your manager's cutting us out yeah he was i still

don't understand why anyone would be at target like is that normal is target open at 10 o'clock

at night well there's a report in the chat room they're open 24 hours christmas eve apparently

oh that's such bullshit and if that's true right now there's a lot of like last minute

stuff going on most of the stores are open oh fucker i was trying to find eggs that i needed

for tomorrow morning motherfucker i had to go to three different places everything was closed

motherfucker yeah i went to petco a few hours ago and uh they were like packed there was this

line of like 20 people we had to stand there for 30 minutes yeah there was a guy waiting

people make 20 minutes hey cross hey buddy hey you should call the target with that guy's phone

number and make a complaint just like off the fucking wall like this is this is so so get

heather on the fucking phone let me get it let me get his number first here give me a second well

they're not going to look at the caller id it's target well just in case you know if the police

is going down there he said santa was going to come by and tug on my wife's tits tonight

well just say hey um it's cool we settled with just a friend don't send the police

it's me whatever his name was and it was a friend in the in the photo that did it

like what was the direction kids the v's v sign thing is the best i like the lesbian gang sign

the tongue through the v sign that's fucking hot is that what you think it is

that's the lesbian gang sign dude hang on guys i'm sorry i'm having a little bit of copy paste

trouble but i think sir did you realize your five-year-old daughter is a lesbian apparently

we looked this up and it's a code sign that lesbians used to show that they like to provide

our computer shows computers all right and store number you already put that in here right brad i

got it the secret urban it's a secret urban trade sign only known to other lesbians hey what if we

we did that we called someone that got their kids pictures taken or like our computer is able to

scan a person's face and tell whether or not they're a lesbian or straight and it turns out

you're you're a baby we're a christian organization so we believe in letting the parents know yes

or just say we don't want your business here anymore because we don't welcome

gay people yeah sure here's the store though this is dwight we wanted to warn you you might

want to start buying boys clothes great idea in front of illinois our studio hours are sunday

This is the portrait portrait.

I need the actual store number.

oh man well we can do the next one before that before they start freaking out

you know calling people ahead i heard a show on the uh on this rotation i don't know whose it was

but they called a pizza customer and they said they had the pizza place had already

proactively called them based on the numbers they knew they had given out um once i remember

that i'm trying to remember the guy said yeah yeah well you know they really called me and

warned me from the store trying to remember whose show that was i was quite surprised why am i

i talking about this i don't know we're calling target now i thought it was interesting good

thank you i was listening to mixler right before we started our show and it had like train wreck

on there getting some guy to flip all the switches and he was doing it he like turned

off the switches in four boxes and train wreck just kept complaining because he wasn't yelling

the numbers that was great how are we doing on twitch is anyone in there uh there's like 12

people that's that's pretty good it's probably all us my favorite christmas song my target

Did I get the wrong one?

No, Carlos did that.

Oh, stupid Carlos.

Hit yourself on the head.

Be like, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

That's what I do.

It helps.

Thank you for calling the Springfield Greatlands Target Store.

Our store hours have changed for the holidays.

From Sunday, December 21st through Monday, December 22nd,

the store will be open from 8 a.m. to 12 a.m.

On Tuesday, December 23rd, the store will be open from 7 a.m. to 12 a.m.

On Wednesday, December 24th, the store will be open from 7 a.m. to 10 p.m.

The store will be closed on Thursday, December 25th, but will open again on Friday, December 26th.

So they're open for like another hour or so.

Another two hours.

It's located on the southwest corner of Veterans Parkway and Lindbergh Boulevard.

For the pharmacy, press 1.

For electronics, press 4.

For the photo lab, press 5.

You know, like, within a year or two, they're going to just tell me to work on Christmas, too.

Yeah.

You entered an invalid extension.

For the pharmacy, press 1.

For electronics, press 4.

For the photo lab, press 5.

To speak to the store operator, please wait or press 0.

It did hit 0, Art.

We'll just wait.

You know, once they get this immigration stuff straightened out, Arby, they'll always have somebody work on Christmas.

That's true.

true and use flash our gross our grocery bills will stay the same thank you for calling stringfield

target can i be fine somebody yeah uh can i can i talk to heather uh yes just a moment oh here it

comes are you gonna pretend to be him dwight i think his name was mike you could say your uncle

dwight he left and your uncle dwight that'd be funny he went for a walk to calm his nerves i'm

here with the kids and uh he just pissed off be like jenny don't do that thing with your fingers

that's rude can i help you find something today how you doing is this heather this is rose actually

heather's on the phone with another guest oh okay well i i wanted to let her know i just spoke with

her and uh about uh a call that i got and i wanted to let her know that it's it's it's all fine and

dandy uh mike went for a walk to calm down we found out it was actually uh uh one of the people

that was in our photo they called us and was uh rude comments so okay yeah she's on the phone

unless they think mike's wife right now oh yeah tell her um i'm that everything's okay um i'm

actually following mike i'm behind him in the car i'm trying to keep tabs on him uh just let her

know it's all good everything's taken care of okay i will let her know thank you very much for

calling all right see you bitch nice sign off there dwight see ya bitch that's gonna add some

confusion to their okay well uh now what are we doing should we do another one of those or

or nor oh whatever i'm up for for anything we have all night we're gonna be doing like six hours

right uh yeah why not why yeah yeah that's fine yeah we could do that if i need to go you can take

over and do a mini marathon maybe maybe maybe hey we got like 45 more minutes before they close

right for the night no that's the west coast one they close at 10 so they have that target has a

a while still you know um oh no that target that's that's uh that's central time zone so

they have 45 minutes yeah then they have 40 but we're not gonna call them back again we should

wait until they're closed and do these calls good yeah you know change your caller id back to

should i what now change your caller to bk i'll do that excuse me and let's see what um

what they're up to over at the all right see if i can get through 877 what's high norad hang on i

found a dial pad eight so who's this christmas music i'm enjoying it this is all i want to do

for christmas is get crunk and it's by this is the t9 boys now who is this no it is hang on

dirty boys it says with a z dirty boys with a z yeah uh there it is found it on youtube

you gotta download that one yeah you'll find it actually what i did i found a torrent with just

I think it's 200 Christmas songs

and I randomized it

like four times in a row

and threw it in a playlist

so I have no idea what's going to be playing.

It's got Mariah Carey, Babyface, Bing Crosby,

Shania Twain,

Ally McBeal, Elvis Presley.

So it's a bunch of shit.

We'll just skip through it.

If something sucks, if something's funny, whatever.

We'll skip through it.

When I worked at the Circle K,

we had a Christmas rap CD

or cassette or something.

and there's like a one song like motherfucking ho ho ho it was pretty edgy for the early 90s

yeah what are you doing you vaping or what are you vacuuming mute yourself

yeah stupid i was trying to play along with them what are you doing christ

i say stupid like that to my friends i'm really mean yeah that's what you do though i'm sorry

did you get your drugs

your medicine

it could be you kids

if you don't say no

no it's better now

milkman don't blow bubbles in your milk

it's wasteful

yeah you get milk all over the place

especially chocolate milk

you don't want to waste that stuff

it's better than gold

is that why his name is milkman

yeah

and he likes the

the man milk

all right carl rd is set and we're calling jennifer i gotta run to get my uh wallet trying

to buy more credit here in a little bit we'll wait for a break i should be able to make it

still got 80 cents that's enough for 80 minutes in theory hi jennifer yes this is roy from the

portrait studio you have some pictures done here on monday yes there's a bit of a problem with the

pictures like you didn't get those back yet did you no okay uh we might need you to go somewhere

more else because we we are computers those were your kids right it was my granddaughter okay yeah

um so our computer systems here they're they're um configured to spot anomalies in facial

expressions or you know just in humans and um it can tell us whether a person is straight or gay

and it looks like your granddaughter is actually not straight and as a christian corporation

i was kind of rambling there a bit all right let's see if you didn't like where that was

headed for some reason i want to hear the truth yeah it's the problem let's see if husband picks

I don't know how

the thing on Skype is gone

the dial pad

what do I do

what do I hit

zeros ones

what do I do

everything

just one two three four

Or just hit, go through the entire sequence several times.

But which, what are the ones you hit?

What are you doing?

Stop it.

All of them.

If it's an...

Milkman.

This is pointless.

What are you doing?

Stop it.

Milkman.

Jesus.

Well, I thought we'd hit the sequence.

Oh, no.

So which one?

Do you do 1, 2, 3, 4, 0, 0, 0, 0?

You just do whatever?

Yeah, I just, I don't do them in order.

I don't do 1, 2, 3, 4.

I do 1 through 10, though, randomly, three times, three or four times.

1 through 10, randomly.

yeah yeah just do it in sequence one through zero one one one one two two two two no no no uh one

two three four five six seven eight nine ten to zero i mean and then just over and over oh okay

that's what you do every number okay and if it's an old style answering machine it a lot of times

it'll just ignore the bad digits and it'll only recognize the good ones awesome if you do it quick

enough it'll just go through oh shit all right let's try it if it's someone's cell phone though

know you just do something obvious like one two three four cell phones if it's voicemail forget

it yeah i don't even bother but a lot of times i forget who i think it was maybe sloth he kept

getting into him wow just doing like one two three four or the last four digits of their

their number hello hi this is uh roy again uh we got disconnected somehow i think i was talking

to your wife about your pictures yeah i would like to know your company name or with soft touch

portraits soft touch portraits yeah yeah we're at the portrait studio here at the store life touch

soft touch soft touch portrait studio and what's the address well you you brought your grandchildren

in like don't you know where you brought them i'd like to get your address please well why are you

being such a bitch about it i'm just calling to let you know if a problem we had pardon me i said

why are you being such a bitch about it i'm just calling to let you know about this problem sir

Sir, when you asked the question that you asked my wife, I want to know your address.

I didn't ask her a question at all.

I was telling her that there's a problem with the computer, and the computer is saying that it recognized possible signs of homosexuality in one of the children.

And we're a Christian organization, sir, and we don't want things like that in our store.

Sir, I would like to have your address and your specific name.

My specific name is Roy, still.

It never changed.

It's been the same the entire conversation.

Look, we just want you to keep those little monsters out of our store, those little Satanists.

Look, look.

Because we are a Christian organization.

I want your address.

How do you not know the address?

You drove here and took the pictures.

I want your address.

Well, I'm not giving it to you because you're being kind of a jerk to me.

Well, then you stop calling.

Well, I'm just calling to let you know to stay out of our store or else we're going to have a problem.

if you do not call if you call one more time if i don't call what's gonna happen i will report you

to the police oh hello police i got poor customer service police look listen i got bad customer

service and i'm not having you ever heard about those people getting arrested like you know i

got bad service at taco bell the police yeah they always get arrested for that the people calling

9-1-1 over like the hamburger that was wrong hello yeah hello sir i'm the supervisor here

was there some kind of problem are you having a problem yeah i want i want your name too

my name excuse me i'd like to have your name you'd like to have my name what please sir please go

ahead from the beginning i'd like to have your name please sir go ahead that's it listen no you

say it and i have listen i have an as in customer service you don't speak to me like that sir

You are calling me from 698-3182.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you snorted.

And I'm going to do, if you're actually Target,

I will be coming over to Target filing a formal complaint.

All right, okay, and we'll bring your wife over.

She looks really nice in these pictures.

Pal?

I'd like to have a chunk out of that ass.

Mmm, put some barbecue sauce on that butters and blah, blah, blah, blah.

Hey, you really sound like a good person that you portray yourself to.

as a result i would like to get your company name i get it listen here's the truth we don't work for

target we're a separate company we're a separate company that does the portraits yes and we don't

answer the target so kiss our ass if you want to get these you know these situations seem to

lost you guys want them again are we done all right we've done three times okay we didn't

gotta follow the rules you know okay okay that was jennifer right uh yes i have three more left

from that location yeah i wanted to tell him one two three fake streets stupid any town usa

okay george says we only called twice we had him twice and her once oh that's true nice try george

he's trying to get around it yeah trying to get us arrested he's just trying to get around he's

he um george i've noticed he's a nice guy but he just wants likes to half-ass the stuff a lot you

know he's not a real athlete somebody please kick george from the room immediately yeah we'll

de-voice him but you know it's just a slap on the wrist he's being censored but not necessarily

punished everybody point and laugh at george okay now that i figured out what i was doing here we

go catch that train milkman oh fuck it's off mute shit sorry is that the bart what's it called

the bart the barda the fart what's it called not him you just yeah that was a bart man it took a

shit right outside here man hello off the track hello i thought where we're in the train's causing

electromagnetic interference on itself the voicemail it is two one wheels are spinning

really fast there goes turn again i heard good things about that san francisco barda train sounds

Sounds great in a place very prone to earthquakes to be under the ground.

In a tube.

Wait, so he's at the BART, but like a minute ago, I could have sworn I heard him blowing bubbles in his milk.

No, it goes by his house, Machine.

He lives in one of those places.

I see.

I knew a friend once who lived by an Air Force base.

Oh, my God.

He lives on that side of the train tracks.

Great rent, but holy shit was that place fucking loud as fuck.

I live a block from train tracks.

They don't even wake me up anymore.

santa's in fucking virginia right now uh-oh yay santa that means he'll be in north korea in

two seconds santa baby are we calling sarah oops reach the voicemail box of two one seven four

sorry i could hit the wrong button but we got milkman back yeah

why am i calling sarah again she's not picking up right that was twice oh okay i'll give you the

next one yeah next one i'm not paying attention sorry our favorite name it's bill well so what

What kind of Four Loko are you drinking there, buddy?

Oh, the usual Fruit Punch.

Oh, yeah? You like the Fruit Punch?

Yep.

It's like Hawaiian Punch, but it's got more Loko.

Loko stuff?

More Four Loko.

This is more Loko.

Two, seven, three, three.

Blah, blah.

A call has been forwarded to a...

Huh.

Was that Cindy?

You're the last one you gave me.

No, that was Bill.

Okay.

Here goes Cinder.

Big finish on this song.

How'd I know?

Yeah!

Thank you.

fucker trying to call hi this is sucking her husband's ball i love making dirty lyrics to

christmas songs one of my favorite things of the season an american pastime i thought i just

was perverted they already told me once it was that you or me that was perverted me right

yeah someone call me a pervert guys we're just getting started because of the pictures

you're you're you're a pervert all right i need dial pad help uh can you give me high norad there

real quick oh no um okay so it was eight seven seven got that uh okay dial this eight seven

seven four four six six seven two three you know i'm so stupid i thought you already pasted it in

there for me didn't you i could have done that yeah way back well no i i had i pasted in like

like 800 oh true i'm still my fault can you hear me now yeah loud and clear android crash dude it's

locked up sorry about that that's why i didn't know it was muted the buttons are froze mother

fucker right sorry fucking shit yeah all the buttons froze i had to turn the phone off get

an iphone iphones never freeze oh god they do well ipad freezes all the time mine never do

Hey, guess what I got for Christmas?

I thought you had one already.

I got a new one.

Now I have two.

What are you going to do with two?

The one for each eye.

The other one sits right here in front of me is where I watch the chat room.

It just scrolls in front of me.

It's kind of cool.

I use it for the show, for sure.

So I just keep it there.

I use it like a desk clock here.

I just keep an app that has weather and time on it and then chat room for the show.

I've got a little keyboard for it if I need it.

Hello, Norad Track Santa.

This is Betty speaking.

How may I help you?

Yes, hello.

Does Santa go to North Korea where there's bad, dirty people?

Santa goes where there's children who believe in Santa.

But so he doesn't go to North Korea?

He'll go if the children believe in him.

Where is he now?

He just left Washington, D.C., and he's on his way to Maryland.

Oh.

He'll be there in eight seconds.

Okay, good.

good so do you think he's like has the bowel moving in the sleigh does he have a system for

collecting feces and urine does he dump it out does he dump it out over the sea like airliners

do so does he just keep it like in a bag i'm not sure how he does but he's been doing it for years

can you ask a man to find out maybe a man would know not a woman not a woman

i don't think so pretty much the same way but not the same you know like not everything the same

uh from my house well i don't know i don't necessarily have to tell you where my house is

you got a search warrant or something i do not okay well no okay well listen when santa claus

is going out and he you know he has to go pee pee caca so i'm sure he has like a collection system

you know that he can put his private parts in and he has a bowel movement or urinates

and then i would guess when he's out over like the atlantic or the pacific he could

drop that like the airliners do right that's probably what he does

okay all right is everything's okay he has not had any problems today

it looks like everything's fine he's flying really quickly as usual and

okay all right and what else do you have the report how's the weather in the area he's headed

He's headed to Maryland now?

I don't have the weather in front of me.

He's on his way to Pennsylvania right now.

Yay!

Oh, yay!

Okay, I'm going to call Sloth and let him know, all right?

Right, yeah.

Okay.

Have a good night.

All right, bye.

Did you hear that?

Yay!

Yes!

We should ask if he has a catheter.

Dude, he's almost here!

Dude, you got a big sack coming to you, man.

He's bringing a whole big sack, dude.

A bud!

nice and let's hope he doesn't get mixed up with his fecal bag and hand you the fecal bag instead

santa claus is a cool guy he's cool he won't mess up dude he'll save up for the bad kid

so what should we do next what do you say there boys let's quit oh man tailbone hurts got a little

pain in the tailbone don't you hate that when that happens it always sucks i was looking at

one of those uh cushions that you use when you have hemorrhoids just for comfort i thought i

get it just for the hell of it um but i figured i'd break it after a week that's true you don't

want to do that not again oh all right we have another lawsuit i'm not going to listen to this

song i don't want to hear you don't guys want to hear mariah carey i like to see her but not

listen to her i don't want i don't want to hear mariah carey this is bass hunter jingle bells

this one is recommended by rbcp all right here we go next one sloth are you here he's still

still connecting oh man failed well maybe he's sleeping because santa's almost here uh do we

have an x1 or are we done uh i think from that store we might be done unless you want to go back

and and call the ones from an hour ago but thank you for calling to norad we can move on we can

try the dings right yeah yeah i gotta it looks like uh dings i have 40 new messages all right

but i haven't gone through them so there might be a bunch of crap okay okay do you want to do

want to play it for us and we can grab it or how's the best way or do you want to do it on the side

and come back uh well hey here here's one that looks pretty amusing okay oh you got it i'm gonna

play i'm gonna play this message oh wait you wouldn't be able to hear it shit uh that's fine

how am i gonna do this you can you drop it into skype or um or we can just call it okay what i

can do i'm gonna have to figure out how to pull up google voice on my tablet so i can play the

voice so it might take a little bit here let me you want another uh portrait number yeah give me

another portrait number oh okay well i'm done with that location so do you want to call the

three that didn't answer earlier or do you want to move on to the next one i got them i got them

uh i have them already if you remember which ones they are did you mark them because i'm bad at that

yeah i can just paste them i marked them all good just paste them okay all right i'm gonna i'm gonna

get google voice pulled up we got this guys we're pros trust me okay we're calling jenna

we're gonna try tammy again that last lady in our room was like you didn't want to think about

santa's poop we think about these things why do i always end up talking mst3 clay said that she

sounds like prank master answering the phone to an automatic voice message the cox family

yeah very strong very proud of that last name the cox family so yeah i get the cock her maiden

name was hole jennifer cox hole i just want to hear that again come

on, man.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Family is not available.

There you go, guys.

The Cox.

The Coxes.

Surprised we didn't catch that earlier.

I have to sign out on my Google thing, on my tablet.

To the other one?

Sign back in at this other thing that I've never signed in on.

Shit.

Bullshit.

Don't you got, like, a cable you can use?

Yeah, my tablet's already...

You gotta get on the right account.

yeah yeah i have to do that hello hello is that polly who polly yes hello polly my name is cross

i'm calling from the portrait studio you had some pictures taken you mean at target yeah you had

some pictures taken correct yes yes okay well we got them back here and you're gonna have to

come in preferably tomorrow uh before the end of the day tomorrow we're open tomorrow all day

um you need to retake these they got rejected by our computer machine it looked at the pictures

and it saw that there was inappropriate things done on the pictures on some of them hello oh

fuck she was slow i was trying to talk slow to her because she seemed like she sounded so

distressed at the beginning that's what my mom always answered someone must be dead my mom always

always answer the phone like that hello hello yes i'm calling from the portrait studio what

happened with her that she hung up the phone huh are you i'm calling from the portrait studio i am

cross i don't give a shit motherfucker don't you talk to me like that you people did dirty stuff

on the pictures you're a liar now listen no if you terrorize my mother like this you're gonna

end up in jail well she she was making signs she made the middle finger she made a middle finger

You don't want to go to jail.

What you're doing right now is a crime.

Do you want a picture?

What you're doing right now is criminal.

No.

Okay?

No, it's not.

Do you want to go to...

Yeah, it is.

No, no.

You are harassing her, and you are using the telephone to do this.

I'm sorry, no.

Listen, you want to go to jail.

No.

Do you want to go to jail for what you're doing?

No, I don't want...

Like, don't ever, don't you ever call this number again.

No, please, I'm sorry.

Okay, do you understand me?

No, no, I'm sorry, please.

Don't you ever call this number again.

Don't tell my mom.

Never mouth off like this again.

Don't tell my mom, please.

I'm scared.

Please don't tell my mom.

Please, please.

All right.

You know, we have the caller ID here.

Don't tell my mom.

So what I'm going to do is I'm going to get...

I blocked it.

Yeah, I'm...

I blocked it, though.

No, you didn't.

Oh, my God.

No, please don't.

No.

Don't tell my mom, please.

I'll be in so much trouble.

I'm sorry.

I've got to say this.

Tell those kids in the background to shut the fuck up.

Too late, Dwight.

I was thinking about my kid or something.

Damn, them kids got shut up.

What did you say to her?

I was saying, I hear her squawking in the background.

I said, that sounds like Polly.

She wants a cracker.

Dude, if we hadn't already done the line, I would conference them with them.

See these people here?

They don't get Santa.

Listen to the kids.

This is a crime.

Are you going to be the wacky morning DJs now?

No.

I was going to say, please, no, don't tell.

Me and Dwight are going to be the kids.

That was really funny.

Can we air it on the morning show?

voice message system six five so what did you say that's terrorizing she had to hang the phone up

you're like you gotta come get these pictures and she's like oh my god she hung up the phone

that's all she heard all she heard was the part that they were inappropriate she didn't hear

anything she hung up before i got to the part well but i that she got the middle finger out

or whatever whatever but that's definitely illegal it's harassment somehow we're yeah we

fucked up okay you want to hear this first voicemail yeah you got it a tablet this this

This looks like a really good one.

All right, motherfucker.

Hi, Roy.

This is Officer Tedlosky with the Sunderland Police Department.

I'm giving you a call because I guess in my town here over the corner store in Sunderland,

you left a couple notes on two different people's cars, two different nights that you banged into their car a little bit.

And, I mean, they're just, they don't want to call you themselves, just, you know, things that are going on nowadays.

So they just asked me to give you a call and get you information for them.

and um just kind of having some bad luck there uh if you can just give me a call back uh she

sounded like one of those cops from fargo it's like she's on to you like she's investigating you

you know having some bad luck there she's on the case i'll delete that one she's putting it

together she's got like a an office somewhere with the diagrams all laid out it's got our

our sites and pictures and lines connecting them and the bottom it's ding car ding car

complaints on a map so thank you for trying to get to that little pinpoints and strings you got

little pinpoints and strings exactly with the pushpins yeah we got a uh a good point by dashie

uh he says are we that's uh a fake because women can't be police officers

want to call it back and say that or no okay um maybe not we'll pass all right we'll let you do

that on your show all right okay when you're doing your own show we're doing a this isn't my show

it isn't brad show it's our show tonight the people's show it's a special show it's like

when you turn on the tv during the holidays and there's a special episode of bob hope with johnny

carson and it wasn't either show they just did shit together for the troops that's what we're

doing tonight i got a bunch from oregon okay and i'm afraid to call oregon myself you know oh i'll

call them don't worry yeah so it's perfect for tonight because i don't want to call oregon i'll

I'll take the felony hit.

No problem.

All right.

So I haven't listened to any of these, so I'm going to just play this first one.

Hopefully it's real.

Hi, Roy.

My name is John.

You left me a note on my minivan.

I appreciate it.

John drives a minivan.

What a Nancy boy.

How many people are that honest or straightforward about an accident?

No worries.

It's a seven-year-old minivan.

One of these guys.

It's got a few other dings here and there.

Pay it forward, man.

nothing to worry about um if you for some reason need to me about it any farther um

farther just give me a call at 503 once again you have a happy holiday

okay all right so i gotta manually type this into the chat

sorry uh okay well there it is good so we didn't call who's taking you want it brad you take it

Doesn't sound very Christmassy

It's like the Jamaican Philly's Navidad

Oh I hate that song

Such a stereotypical racist song

Sounded a little bit like a reggae

Kind of clip

It says

Parang Soka we jamming for Christmas

See Soka

To me it wasn't Soka because it's too slow

Soka is usually like

It's a slow Soka

In the holidays you slow it down a little bit

But you've got to be respectful for baby Jesus, you know?

Yeah, that's right.

You can't shake that booty all night, man.

Baby Jesus is in the house.

You can drink and eat pork and stuff.

How about coquito?

Is coquito allowed?

That's what I missed.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck yeah, coquito, man.

Hell yeah.

Hey, bitch, why don't you hook a lone brother up without some coquito over here, man?

Pass some through the mic, baby.

I'm ready.

Yeah.

No.

Coming up next in the playlist, we have the Vienna Boys Choir, O Holy Night.

night that should be a great transition oh my favorite yeah the boys choir all right uh i'm

gonna try this john person again okay it's 80 degrees and it's christmas it's not weird at all

okay oh john i hear another message from oregon let's do it oregon

no i haven't i wouldn't trust that make it yourself all right hang on i don't think so

either that's why i was just asking because like if you haven't if you don't tell me it's

word of shit i ain't gonna even try it no what is it it's just as easy to follow a recipe let's

look up coquito puerto rican recipe you'll find it google yeah google remember we talked about this

google is your friend yeah baby i just wanted it if you had to try the ready-made concoction i

figured it was inferior no no it is it has like a chalky um i did have it once my parents made it

they didn't want to make it probably it had like it was like comparing like i don't know like

Like putting milk in your coffee or cream in your coffee versus non-dairy creamer.

That's what I would describe it as.

Okay, never mind.

Never mind.

Don't do not do.

All right, Brad.

Now Brad's going to play voicemail.

What a dumb question.

Yeah.

Brad's going to do a voicemail.

Go ahead.

Okay.

Hey, thanks for leaving the card on my card today.

I appreciate it.

I noticed the ding you put in it, and I'd like to get your insurance information.

Can you please give me a call back at 503-793-2993?

Oops.

and hopefully you can just have your

insurance information handy

so I can go ahead and turn in the claim

it's about 6.50

on Monday evening

I appreciate you getting back to me

thanks Roy

I could tell in the Google translation that he left

a different phone number than he called from

so that's the one

I just posted the one he left

I'll post the one he also

called from too

so who should I call? the one he called from right?

I don't know. Let's maybe try both.

Alright, well, I'll do the first one.

So, I think he's a fake.

He sounded fake, but I've gotten a lot from

this area

in the past couple days.

Okay, well, there you go. And who's talking?

You do one, because you haven't gotten a chance

to do one.

I like, yeah, and then I do one.

You do one. Seems like

Jaiad has a very exciting show planned for Friday.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to that, actually.

Seems like a neat idea.

I don't know if we're allowed to say what it is, but I'm definitely

definitely gonna be listening on friday yep hello and thank you for calling spm you reached voice

messaging for mike jayden voice messaging for stupid i read an article on ours technique i

think one of those um talking about how voicemails on the way out like it's the dev it's rated like

the most the the worst for getting a hold of somebody leaving a voicemail just gets ignored

put by the way so yeah it's long as hell to leave it yeah like on my google voice i've got like over

over a hundred voicemails and you know it's like my home phone number i haven't looked at that in

years a lot of businesses are for going thank you for calling sbm um in favor it'll it'll i think

it's a coca-cola said that they eliminated uh landline voicemails in the entire company except

for people who specifically said they needed it for their work reasons and they said only three

percent of them are the workers in the ass to listen to them yeah it is you know and i used

used to have to work i used to have to confirm a lot of appointments sometimes it's just a pain

in the ass because every place you call has a different way to get to it sometimes you hit zero

one you can't hit zero don't you know shame on you there's a thing about shame on you for trying

to hit zero we're gonna make you start from all the way from the beginning again you know what i

mean i hate that shit yeah and it's not always the same thing to end your message or leave you know

what i'm saying if i used to think if there was only a standardized way to do it it'd be great

right but anyway coca-cola eliminated landline voicemails all across their complete company

and it's a sign yeah i hate voicemail no finally yeah send me a text send me an email best way to

get a hold of me that voicemail shit so september 10th that's right god damn it i recently said that

and i got stares someone said they were doing something still and i said that's oh they were

using um accorded like one of those uh they weren't they weren't using cell phones inside

the house they were still using like a handset cordless telephone and i told them that was so

september 10th and i got a bunch of bad stares from people i have cordless phones in my house

now yeah hooked up to my asterisk machine oh there you go but yeah i got looks like

gee you know to bring payphones back they should have cordless payphones uh yeah there you go but

they'd have to hook up a chain to it so you can't steal it so it's corded then no it's not corded

Oh, it's just a cordless, but it's a chain on it.

Yeah, I gotcha.

That'd be kind of cool.

If they gave you a little extra moving space.

Yeah.

You gotta remember, though.

You remember how gross payphone uses was, man?

Like, using one?

It was pretty gross.

I became immune to it eventually.

I used it so much.

You think about it now, though.

Dude, I wouldn't stick that thing on the side of my head.

I would just kind of hold it out at an angle, man.

Yeah, they needed speakerphone cordlesses.

I mean, payphones.

Oh, but...

When they started...

yeah is mike there mike the guy uh yeah mike here yeah put him put him on the phone i'm handing the

phone to him hurry up hurry the fuck up hello hey mike hey hey yeah dig call the ding number

right what's that you left a ding number your car got dinged is this roy hey i'll put him on

the phone go ahead roy i'm sorry hey it's roy merry christmas hey roy how are you uh not too

too bad yeah i accidentally uh you know i accidentally smacked into your car okay well

i really appreciated the note you left too that was cool yeah um did you like my penmanship yeah

you're awesome so i'll go ahead and get an estimate and i'll contact you again okay did

you see where the ding was yeah i saw a guy um breaking into your car okay i've talked to you

enough i'll just go ahead and get the the um the insurance information and i'll contact you again

when i have it okay what do you mean you're gonna get it how are you gonna get it you're

talk to me enough what i wrote i don't know why i started talking is he gonna pay you for

dinging his car is that what is what's gonna happen i think that's what he's getting at

he's a dumbass he must be like an attorney or something party or something i don't know what

the fuck that guy was talking about yeah i think it was at a christmas party it sounds like a house

phone too sorry i almost fucked it up i kind of did hey i thought he was one of our people

hey mike yeah hey we got disconnected somehow that was weird i was just talking to you

No, I hung up on you, actually, because it's Christmas fucking Eve.

Oh, why are you cursing at me?

I left you a nice note with nice penmanship, and you're sitting there cursing at me.

Yeah, okay, so here's the deal.

You left a phone number.

I'll go ahead and get the insurance information,

and I'll call you in the back, and you can do it, or you can not.

So you're going to give me your insurance information?

What does he mean he's going to get it?

Tell him seriously.

He doesn't know what he's talking about.

Man, he's a dick, too.

You know how shit works?

Is he like some kind of Harvard kid or something?

What the fuck is his deal?

He's kind of like a Harvard student.

That's how I'm going to call the police on him if he doesn't give me his insurance number.

Set the caller ID for the number that we kept getting the voicemail for, and then call him back.

All right, good idea.

So it looks like it's coming from his work.

All right, got it.

What a great idea.

So the first number, right, is going to be my caller ID?

Correct.

I love that handy feature of VoxVox.

VoxVox is the best.

There it is.

That and the rate is great.

oh he hung right up you know why he hung up right it's fucking christmas eve christmas eve

title of the show man it's fucking christmas it's not like it's christmas motherfucker

that's a contender so far the i would say the leader would you agree brad for

title of this show i concur it's fucking christmas here it is the vienna boys choir

they sound pretty old you know the romans had castrati they called them they were

boys that were good singers and they would castrate them so their voice would never change

what really they called them the castrati yeah they so they would always keep that high pitch

for the singer yeah and that's yeah fucking romans no wonder they fucking fail all right

let's see what norad's up to you have more numbers too right brad you have more voicemail

yeah i have more cardings i have like uh i we've only gone through maybe 20 percent of my um

Excellent.

I'm just trying to mix it up a little bit.

Yeah.

I like doing that.

We do want that.

Hey, Dwight, so...

Hang on, let me turn that down.

I'm sorry.

Dwight.

Can you call some Circle Ks and get them to throw customers out of the store?

Dude, that was fun.

That was New Year's Eve two years ago.

But yeah, we could try that.

We can always do customer surveys.

That was either Christmas or New Year's a couple years ago.

New Year's two years ago.

that's on my youtube if you're ever looking for it if you need to get the audio from it or

something i don't know if you don't have it you made the video for me

that was fun oh my god she kicked out two people actually thank you for calling and she was an

asshole about it too like you told her to be an asshole and she was all right hey you get you

gotta go it's like will you do a survey for no all right you gotta go get out she almost got her

shot yeah thank you the guy threw the shit back the guy what was it is he got a flat tire so he

parked yeah he's parking in the parking lot yeah and i told him you need to get the fucking shit

whatever i pissed him off was real rude about it he says you won't talk to me like that

now i want to hear that yeah let's just play that show instead of doing a live show tonight

oh yeah her name was peggy at gas mart i think that was what it was i can get it but thank you

for coming i should buy more voxox thank you for calling to nora all right let me play that while

i can run grab the thing and get the credits going huh how's that sound yay see if i can find

it peggy at gas mart i can play it off of youtube or i think i think i called it no survey no sale

that sounds about right yeah no survey no sale prank call to gas station 14 minutes long all

right we won't play the whole thing but it'll give me enough time to get some credit let's

take a break stretch over there brad you do what you want you know uh i'm gonna stroke it yeah well

you know dwight's gonna do that no matter what fuck it it's been two hours now play the whole

thing okay well it has been two hours holy shit that was fast you still having fun i'm having fun

i don't know i'm pretty bored let's just quit all right yeah well see you guys i'm kidding i'm

kidding okay i know all right we'll play this i'll be right back thank you hey hey hey carly

You know, we got 190 listeners on Mixler and 22 on Twitch.

That's pretty amazing.

Okay, and then I've got a total of 96 on our three shoutcast networks.

So what's that total?

Holy fucking shit.

Is that 300?

Are we at 300 again?

We hit 300.

I think that's like 600.

Thanks for listening, everyone.

No, you're not.

It's not 600.

No, I'm pretty sure it's 600.

Oh, good.

Well, hey, thanks, everybody.

Ask Dwight.

Yeah, we love everybody.

Prankhallnation.com is our website.

site and then 600 listeners strong phone losers.org is brad's site and mine is madhouse live.com

madhouse live.com phone losers.org prank call nation morty forever yeah horseycat.com gas smart

glory no don't go to that all right do you have a customer there i could speak with uh i do okay

that'd be great um if you let them know they get like a free soda or hot dog or whatever we just

do a survey it takes maybe a minute okay thank you hold on one moment corporate office would

like you to do a survey it won't take long get those free oh my god are you gonna get a soda

for free i got two tickets all right i went here but i got okay let me scan your

what a bitch i got two kids in the car

okay she didn't want to do the survey oh she didn't there's no other customers

She's got two kids in the car.

No, not this late, no.

Can you?

Yeah, she's got two kids in the car and a drunk boyfriend.

She doesn't have time.

A drunk boyfriend.

I'm sorry, this is Jim in the corporate office.

How are you, hon?

I'm fine.

Peggy, right?

Hey, are you sure?

Does she really have kids in the car and all that?

Let me go check.

I can't see them from here.

I knew it.

Did she scan her?

Did she use her loyalty card?

No.

Oh, she didn't?

Okay.

All right, because we're going to deactivate that for her being so.

So she was pretty rude, pretty rude and nasty to you, I think.

It sounded like it from here.

Yeah.

Yeah, asshole customers.

Well, do you have any other customers you think coming in?

Not at the moment.

Got a bunch of guys out there pushing a car into a parking spot

because they have a flat tire, but that's about it.

Oh, they can't do that.

They can't do that, though.

Yeah, if they come in, tell them they've got to get that car.

They have 60 minutes to get that towed or a wheel towed at their expense.

Write that down.

Steve, write that down that we're going to have that car towed.

Okay, I'm writing it down.

Maybe, ma'am, you could go out there and tell them to push that back out into the street.

Yeah.

Okay.

But, I mean, if they're coming in, maybe we could talk to them.

Yeah, they either have to come in and explain, let us know how long they're going to keep the car there,

or, you know, because we need to document it, or they can't leave that car there for a long time.

Right.

Well, he came in and asked if he could leave it until morning.

What did you say?

Normally, we usually let them.

I'm not sure what company policy is.

And usually after 24 hours, they're still out there.

We call a tow truck.

Steve, we're going to have to write Peggy up because that's not a lot.

Unless you can.

I'm printing out the write-up form.

Yeah.

Can you.

Listen, Peggy, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to go out there and explain to them that they need to get the car out of there.

Okay.

Or we're going to have to write you up.

I mean, I'm sorry.

I'm not trying to.

I know it's the holiday.

I understand.

Can you please do that?

We'll hang on the line.

We want to know whether or not they do it or not.

Or if you bring them in, we could talk to them even.

Yeah, we can make an arrangement.

This is the one that owns that car.

Tell him I need to talk to him.

I'm going to print out the tow form here.

Yeah, please.

Get that all ready, all the paperwork.

I don't leave it for an hour, but if a guy from corporate would like to talk to you, come on.

Hi, this is Ralph Littlejana with the corporate office.

I understand you have a disabled vehicle you're going to be leaving here?

Yes.

How long were you expecting to leave it there for?

Because it's usually not allowed.

It takes up space.

Yeah, I understand, but sometime until the morning.

Were you going to, like, do it?

Is this car insured?

Does it have insurance?

And you got valid plates on it?

I have a temporary tag as of right now.

Temporary tag.

Did you just buy it, or what happened?

Yeah, I just bought it.

You just bought it, and it already broke.

What's wrong with it?

Is it a flat tire?

Yeah.

I mean, we can let you leave it there for about 60 minutes,

and after that, either there has to go or we're going to tow it at your expense.

Because, you know, we have a lot of bums, you know, leaving cars in there and taking up the space,

and it's a space for just our customer.

Were you planning on buying anything?

I just came over here because my car was running funny, so I pulled into the parking lot.

All right.

Well, you think maybe you could buy a few things, and we'll let you leave it there for a few hours.

But if you're not going to buy anything, we're going to have to ask you to push the car out into the street,

out to the public right away.

What

are you going to buy?

Something.

You have to spend at least $20 before taxes.

What?

You have to spend at least $20 before sales tax.

Now, don't curse, because I'll have that car towed right now.

My mom is on her way.

I'll figure out what I can do.

Oh, your mom's going to solve your problems?

Is that what it is?

What?

Your mom's going to solve your problems?

You had to call mommy to come fix the problem?

First off, who are you talking to?

I'm talking to a stupid customer that leaves a piece of shit car in my store.

That's who I'm talking to.

I don't know who this is. I don't know.

But they're talking reckless, and I'm about to tell them about themselves.

Because you can go fuck yourself. How about that?

Why don't you go fuck your mom when she gets there?

I hope this calls...

Who you talking to, bitch-ass nigga?

I'll beat the fuck out of you.

Who the fuck are you?

Come up here if you want to right now.

Whatever, faggot-ass nigga.

Who you talking to, bitch-ass motherfucker?

Man, you're soft, nigga. You're soft.

Fuck you, bitch-ass nigga.

Come over here if you want to, pussy nigga.

What's up?

All right, get that piece of shit car out of there.

Hello?

Yeah, get that car.

I want that car out right now.

Right now.

Okay.

Get the stupid car.

That's because that pussy motherfucker had nothing to do with you.

I know.

You need to leave and get your car.

You got to take your car out of here.

Tell him to push that crappy-ass car out of there right now.

Unbelievable.

Yeah.

Right?

Is he black?

Is he a black?

Yes.

Guilty.

You know what you call a black man running down the street?

guilty he's on the same she's on the same level as us all right well i don't know what else we

can do here steve you got anything for her does that guy maybe want to do the customer survey

oh they're with him so they're pretty upset he's upset but i have another customer coming in

yeah ed did you want to see the new customer wants to do the survey uh yeah as soon as he

comes to the counter all right sweetie thank you are those men out there loitering those blacks

are they out there still yeah they're waiting on two of their friends that are getting some stuff

Oh, they got no. No sale. Tell them no sale.

Okay.

Carly, don't know. They're going to get her killed.

Oh, Jesus.

Okay, they're leaving.

All right, good, good. All right, well, Steve, what should we do?

You've been doing a survey, customer survey? Your free soda?

Oh, my God.

No.

No, they're not? No sale.

Tell them no sale.

They need to leave immediately. Leave the premises.

A survey or nothing? Or no service? No survey, no service.

Okay.

I need to see the surveyor again.

Wait, what?

It won't take two or three minutes.

Nope.

All right, well, no sale.

Can we talk to him and just tell him it's not a survey?

It's just the corporate office needs to have a quick word with him.

And he just went out the door.

Can you yell after him, maybe?

I mean, it would just take a second.

I just wanted to get him to let you know that you've been pwned.

But, I mean, if he's gone, I guess we can't do that.

Yeah, he's gone.

All right, Peggy.

Well, thanks for your cooperation.

We'll follow up with you later tonight, all right?

Okay.

All right.

Well, be safe.

Be careful, all right?

Don't get shot.

Yeah, and make sure those guys get out of there without getting shot.

That was the first half of that call, which is called No Survey, No Sale.

I would presume I have it up on madhouselife.com.

I wish we still had her number.

It would be fun to check up on her.

Yeah.

See if she got shot or anything.

Yeah.

Well, if you knew what time she was in, if we could remember that.

And the call, if that's in there somewhere or in that show somewhere,

it would be the New Year's Eve show from two years ago.

maybe we could figure it out it was quick stop i think it was called something you made the video

and you put the name of it you said like well i'm familiar with that company gas smart i thought

yeah they just left if you have to use physical force with them we could play the rest uh quick

come and go i'm just guessing i don't know i don't know i thought it was gas smart anyway

more pranks more real life calls that's a great call though we can play the rest of that later i

think later on we tell her that the corporate office got a thread the heat that he was going

gonna come back drive the car through the the store like in the blues brothers i don't remember

that part that's awesome yeah it's like okay and she closed the store i think she closed the store

all right hey continuing on what do we got brad any uh any i got some tostitos tostitos good let's

call it tostitos corporation also known as lays i believe they're the best no i got the generic ones

usually i get guanitas generic testitos yeah this time it's called josefina's testitos josefina's

nice oh sorry sorry that's okay you ever get santitas santitas are pretty good i don't know

they taste pretty much the same as juanitas i don't know what the difference is it's it's all

corn you know these are josefina's yeah good you're doing them by themselves what are you

doing there i heated them up in the microwave and i got yes testito salsa ah you see i was

was about to suggest heat them up in the microwave i always do that if i have extra patience i'll

heat them up in the oven but it takes longer that's even better yeah but yeah i do the microwave i

told my friend andy that once he's like we're in the middle of eating them and i was like you know

i like to microwave these for like 15 seconds like that's a great idea and he went and did it

he's like oh this is way better got him hooked yeah yep so there you go even brad recommends this

heat up your tostitos your you know corn chips whatever the fuck it is before you eat them

i don't know about warm potato chips i wonder how that would be like just warm

i never tried that hey that's a good idea seems weird yeah i don't like uh tostitos

like the actual brand name tostitos no i don't like warming those up those don't taste good

for some reason oh weird huh but the the ones that look like mexican chips that you get a

mexican restaurant yeah those are good good good excellent i hate it when they be putting

and lime and shit and that shit i hate that i hate to get some of my lips and my fingers all day

fuckers who do they think they are what do they think i'm drinking a margarita

and i don't put salt on my margarita what are they trying to say really yeah really well we

need more shit in this here here'd be a little healthy here's a lime twister with it excuse me

there was a lime craze in the early 2000s they put it in coke and pepsi and everything

it's coming out that's when that shit started yeah but when it came out that diet that diet

Diet Lime Coke.

It tasted like shit.

It tasted like...

I've never tried any of that stuff.

Yeah, they had like Diet Lemon first, Diet Lemon Coke,

and I said, this shit tastes like lemon cleaner.

It straight up does.

That's the best thing that came out of that Coke Zero, man.

I was just talking about Coke Zero.

You think we planned this ahead of time, right, Brad?

I was just saying I was drinking some Coke Zero.

I don't know what the formulation of it is.

I'm sorry, because I didn't notice I crashed out of the show for about five minutes.

I am not reading a script at all.

we are not paid at all by have you ever tried sprite zero by the way sprite zero yes zero

calories all the sprite taste yes right zero is bomb dude that is moving right around pilgrim

drink coke zero it is good and i do those freeze uh have have either of you had the opportunity to

partake in a freestyle coke uh coca-cola machine yet no what's that all right so it's a fountain

It's a fountain Coke machine, and I think it's over 100 different combinations you can make.

You can make your own combination of, like, you can do Mellow Yellow with grape.

You can do Coke Zero with raspberry.

Are you talking about the new-style fountain drinks that they have?

Freestyle.

The Five Guys.

Yeah, Five Guys has them.

I think Burger King is going to have them at all.

I actually saw Wendy's with it the other day.

Yeah, Wendy's is the first place I ever saw it in Las Vegas.

Yeah, that's cool.

I know how to hack those.

You go to the water menu, and you type a triangle.

angle the the title i think it is yeah what happened get into the admin stuff and start

messing around with things oh cool that's cool because that's it calls back home with all the

formulations to coca-cola headquarters to see what what's trending it's really kind of ingenious but

it's awesome milkman have you seen this yet you can do all these combinations i'm like totally

stoked if you guys aren't pulling my leg it sounds fantastic man technology finally bringing back the

a soda jerk i think uh five guys that like all the five guys places don't they those have them

yeah well the all the ones here do i know that that's where i've seen them and i know burger

king all the ones in this area have them and i think they said they're doing it nationwide

and burger king don't have it around here well it'll get it'll get there now wendy's also starting

to have it too and brad's seen the wendy's in california it's not in our wendy's so like we

don't even have fountain oh you said fountain drinks in our wendy's because i live in a shitty

little town oh yeah okay well here i think our burger king has it though all right so look i'll

explain milkman listen real quick we're not paid to do this i just like shit like this all right

so you listen milkman you can choose your drink all right you get uh barks root beer diet coke

caffeine free coke coke zero dasani water dasani flavored water uh diet barks diet coke diet dr

pepper diet touchscreen milkman yeah just a touchscreen there's no button yeah dr pepper

Pepper, Mellow Yellow, Hi-C, Fanta.

It's like Back to the Future 2.

Yeah, it's just like that.

It's a whole bunch.

It's everything that Coke makes.

Sprite, Sprite Zero.

How do they have that many bottles of syrup in online?

It must be like however many there is, there's at least two bottles of that.

It's a concentrate.

They have a new concentrate system.

I looked this all up when this first came out.

It first got developed.

Oh, so they've gone away from the syrup mode.

Very good.

good listen it started out when um pharmacies wanted to dispense liquid uh medication mixed

at certain times to an exact amount so that's what it was used for and then they applied it to

the drink thing so they they just put in cartridges of coke zero of the sunny water i don't know i

guess not the boxes of coke was concentrate they mix it with the co2 yeah they're doing it

it's something different it's not the big bag anymore now it's like smaller manageable or yeah

they went with the ultra concentrated syrups and because originally they was that i don't know

there's a big like tank yeah it's like a small bank uh bank tray yeah all it does is it it shoots

it it's a shoot it dispenses out soda water and it depending on what type you typed in for what

what you want it just it shoots that amount out of the super concentrated it's like a really small

amount it does it like we're almost right in front of you kind of see it kind of mixing and

swirling over it's kind of it's like crystal light they've done like what crystal light did

have a super concentrated flavor like me as this stuff yeah anyway but you can find the five guys

milkman yeah five guys milkman yeah it still has sugar in it too huh that's amazing well no

all the zero ones have no sugar and then the flavors have have no sugar either but you but

But you can then, like, you can add flavor.

Like, I think it's, like, peach, grape, cherry, orange, raspberry.

Of course, they do all this.

It's all, like, traditional soda.

Yeah, right?

Yeah.

Sorry, man.

That's good.

But, yeah, you can spice them all up.

You can mix them all up like you want.

It's, like, super low calorie, then.

You know where I first saw this?

In 2009 at Disney World.

Because I lived in Orlando.

And I would go there.

And they put these in all over Disney World.

I was, like, I heard about them.

Like, holy shit.

I'm going to check this out.

and there's areas

of Disney World

you can go

where you don't

have to pay

there's like

nightclubs

or restaurants

it's free

so

the first time

I ever saw it

was at Wendy's

in Las Vegas

with Laugh Track Matt

that was like what

we were amazed

by the machine

and like people

were walking up to it

and they're just

completely confused

they didn't know

how to use it

taking forever

that was like

2011 I think

or something like that

yeah yeah

2011

including us

we didn't know

what to do

we were like

what the fuck

is this

you're like

holy shit

yeah

well that was

my take

you could like

take it by a recipe

like a certain

type of drink you like because like man there was a favorite it's called the lime ricky man

they used to have it on saint troy but like now they've quit making it okay the lime i don't know

i don't think that's what they should do it would be like a social thing yeah yeah like your friends

like this drink yeah or you're you know i created you know diet barks root beer with raspberry and

it's fucking awesome everyone try this here's a link and you could go and just put in you know

know wave your phone and we just okay here you go blam the future of soft drinks you're regular

you can like put your own formula on there and just wave your phone and get it every time and

then share it with buddies so we're just saying what it should be now like we're making things up

but so the three of us are the three of us just like really high and just talking

i think it's like the pcn drink you know yeah what kind of flavors is going to be in that it's

It's going to have a lot of serious flavor.

Hey, Brad, if you go to the Coca-Cola headquarters in Atlanta,

they have a whole fountain drink bar with the soda flavors

and carbonated drinks they make from all over the world.

Some of them are really nasty.

They bring it from Africa, Asia, Middle East,

all this funky stuff from Asian stuff that they drink.

Where is this?

Where do you find this?

I know the Atlanta, the Coca-Cola headquarters,

headquarters the tourist area in the coca-cola headquarters in atlanta and disney world has

it at epcot i know that and i think they have it in a few other big cities like where there's like

big areas i don't know well they do that they might have it in california out there but anyway

it's really cool like it's a whole bunch of different flavors but they're like some of them

are like real disgusting like if you can imagine what like they sell i guess some funky ass mixes

they make out in other countries that coca-cola made and chode monkey's ass there you go all

Alright, let's stop talking. Let's do prayer calls.

See, that's why you need to hack the machines.

You can change what the name of the flavors are.

Oh, yeah?

Call it Banchode Monkey's Ass, and that would be Coke.

Ass water. Yes, I'm so good at doing that.

It would be cool when 7-Elevens get the

hot damn ass water.

It's everything. It's Pepsi and Coke and everything else.

Yeah, gravy I'd put in there.

Gravy, bacon flavor.

Yeah, stuff like that.

Yeah, it pushes a certain

button so the drain overflow

flow like like mixes back into the drink yeah all right do we have no do we have a number did i uh

what do you want to do portraits or cardings card let's try carding okay i gotta look them up here

again real quick on my tablet all right uh did i hear a ring yeah i'm just thank you for calling

by chance maybe they were not so busy anymore

He's so pussy whipped you can just tell

Actually I'm surprised to learn that he has a wife

I'm surprised she lets him use the phone

She's probably right there with her arms crossed watching him

Watching him use the message

Oh no

Bye bye

That's what a real man says at the end of a call

Bye bye

okay so let me

I told you to call him two days ago

George says it's fake

who's taking it

have you had a carding yet

did that guy talk to you

I did that last one but it sucked

I think someone else should take it

whatever happened to Dwight where'd he go

Dwight are you back man

he's not even here

stupid Dwight

I don't know how it works

I don't know what the protocol is

he's offline isn't he

I don't know

I got a new Skype account

and all my contacts always show up as

they don't have me added yet

so I don't know their statuses

are you guys still there?

I'm still here

your name is similar to the other name

so people might be confused

and not realize that you added a second request

I can take it if you want

alright cool

well anyway let's do it

yay I get one

yeah happy paste is my friend is this is this mariah carey yet no i skip mariah carey all i

want for christmas oh that song i like it's real good for christmas this is eleni gdyc christ is

rodsey oh her of course yeah i should have known she's from uh romania you know very good

Good singer.

Yeah, that one.

She's from many movies.

She's singing songs.

I really want to talk to this guy.

I always try him twice, and sometimes it works.

Three times.

His wife makes him go to bed at eight.

And right now she's like, who the fuck's calling you, Jay?

We're going to cause a divorce with this phone call.

Can we try one more time?

Yeah.

We're supposed to be drinking wine right now.

He's busy trying to get his wife pregnant.

Yeah.

He's got a turtleneck sweater on.

right now is the uh the official agreed upon time of getting my getting the wife pregnant

she's like the weird neighbors and they're like the weird neighbors in uh national uh

lampoon christmas vacation the ones with the cd player yeah was that automatic voice was that

what's his face from uh it's jurassic park yeah i don't know i remember the those neighbors i

haven't seen that movie and yeah maybe possibly since he's in the theater who am i talking about

about the the math the the chaotician i do remember the neighbors they were all kind of

yeah or something no but the actor i'm talking about he was the fly who the fuck was it was

his name right jeff goldblum jeff goldblum was that jeff goldblum was he the guy in that no he

wasn't right i'd be surprised if it was him because he was popular by then he wouldn't just

be a random neighbor would he when did that come out 90 89 maybe um yeah 90 or 91 maybe even yeah

Yeah, I thought it was Jeff Goldblum in that.

A young Jeff Goldblum.

No, I don't think so.

Yeah, I think you're right.

Yeah, he was already popular from the fly by then.

Yeah, it couldn't be.

Well, yeah, great movie.

I recommend you watch that shit tonight, man.

I need to watch that, yeah.

I need to watch Bad Santa, too.

Laugh Track Matt says I need to watch Bad Santa.

He's been telling me for two years.

Yeah, saw it once.

It's all right, I think.

Yeah, I'm not expecting great things, but that's on my list of Christmas movies.

But usually I watch all the Star Wars movies in order at Christmas time.

I'm going to start that tomorrow.

standing on my car yeah i was standing on top but um my friends were kind of around the side so

maybe they did something but that wasn't me i only stood on the top and i accidentally caved

in the roof a little bit with my weight aha why were you doing that i was making a funny youtube

video i see are you going to reimburse me to fix it well i don't know is it the top that you're

talking about or some is it something else well now i have to look at the top of the car oh because

Because we have things on the side of the car.

Yeah, I can hold.

Sorry it's been like several days.

I heard all your messages.

I was in jail.

I'm currently working, so I'm not actually at home at the moment.

So I'm not with the...

You're working on Christmas Eve?

I have another car.

I am working on Christmas Eve.

Oh, that sucks.

Where do you work?

I work at a restaurant.

Which one?

It's called Ty Herb.

Oh, what do you do there?

I have wait tables.

Oh, so you take the dirty dishes away, or do you take their orders?

are you are you harassing me or something you dinged my car and you think that's funny or what

i'm not trying to be funny no i'm just saying the the youtube video i was making was funny

okay it's it has 23 000 views already okay and uh yeah it's just you know i just left a note

i thought it was the right thing to do well thank you you're welcome bye-bye what what what we lost

constipation why i like that we have totally forgot i just kept dialing until he finally

fucking picked up these are waiting tables and some guy keeps calling you want to call did you

get a name thai leaf was it oh yeah thai thai herb thai herb but i don't know what that is

it's a restaurant wherever tyler lives come on brag come on okay all right i'm looking you can

do this come on he's got this guy he's got this right now we're playing ally mcbeal apparently

Apparently, there's a whole bunch of Ally McBeal songs that she did at Christmas.

Who even remembers Ally McBeal?

Speaking of September 10th.

I remember her, but she's not a person.

She's a character.

Is it really called Ally McBeal?

Who the hell is she?

Well, she's the character of that Fox show that I never watched.

That's the one that threw up all the time and gagged herself.

You see?

Milk Chugga.

Milk Matt represents the casual pop entertainment person.

She's responsible for one of the very first memes ever to hit the Internet.

The Dancing Baby.

The Dancing Baby, that's right, correct.

But listen, I never dig your show.

All I know, there was something about a shared bathroom where they had musical things going on and stuff.

Did anyone fuck in the bathroom that the men and women shared?

I never watched it, but I caught just occasional episodes, because that's back when people watched television just randomly.

All I know is she was a lawyer, and it was funny, and I never watched it.

yeah i thought it looked interesting but i just never could stay in i couldn't watch it but it's

something no one even ever talks about anymore it's like it never happened i don't know i get

that feeling like it's kind of like scrubs it's it's like scrubs took took uh what they were

doing and made it awesome really yeah maybe i don't because it was just weird and had all that

random i never i've never watched scrubs i never watched the christian slater one i never saw that

shit scrubs is great what's christian slater what are you talking about he had an nbc show

for a while i don't think it's still on anymore he had a i think it was christian slater wasn't

looking he was like a kick-ass dude wasn't christian slater in a movie i thought i don't

know well he's been a lot of movies i've never heard of a christian slater tv show he was in

my name is earl once on nbc i don't know well nbc had a like a drama around him i thought i don't

know um i i posted the uh phone number to james's restaurant i think that's what i was waiting for

thank you mr brad we'll call that should we call it from his caller id sure like he's calling it

himself okay why not it won't really matter he's gonna freak out wait who's talking and what's

gonna be said well you talked to him once you don't want to talk to him now scart sure yeah

whatever tickle santa claus like mommy tickled santa claus now yeah you know what i mean i've

never heard that she tickled him i the kiss kissing thing that seems innocent enough but

what they sang these songs in code for everything fucking doing drugs we even back to this time

well she said bicho right there a minute ago so she's really getting down special kiss for santa

claus hello hi is this ty herbs yes yeah is james james yeah james available please i'm sorry

james he waits the tables um the i'm sorry can you say that again oh god she's stupid

an employee there his name is james um james yeah no but james name james jim jim jim work there

yeah they're jim work no me uh we have jackie we have uh bobby he's very effeminate okay bobby um

bobby's married you said you mean bobby yeah bobby yeah yeah he's not working he he he has a day off

today oh who else is there now just me and who else uh the guy named that's him yeah okay you

want to talk to him yeah thank you honey yes okay where you fuck up this is the only one i see in

the he's time yes yeah hey buddy how are you good hey do you have a white man that works in their

name what is the brad john johnny james or jim white man working here james well he said he works

works there stupid well somebody else we don't have the white man well you're a fucking piece

of shit then aren't you a motherfucker no yeah fuck you thank you pissing me off motherfucker

you you're racist is what you are you pissed i'm just in a bad mood because of what just happened

he's racist white people what did that guy say he works there he doesn't work there maybe we

got the wrong place poor guy poor tiger that's the only one listed in that state

that i see maybe we call him back and tell him he's a liar so you're not really working

Yeah, I am.

We have his caller number.

He has his caller ID.

He's just telling his wife he's working or something.

Bullshit.

We should get his wife to be like, he says he's at work.

He's not at work.

He's fucking.

He's not at the club.

He's at the line dancing with some other chick.

Get his wife's number.

Tell her what's going on.

Enter your password.

Get them broken up on Christmas.

Enter your password.

Beep, beep, boop, bop, bop.

Please enter your password.

It's a voicemail, though.

I know.

But we're all talking.

Yeah.

Operator not available.

Oh, the operator's not available.

What do you know?

We were just talking like, yeah, you know.

the sloth used to get into them yeah man even an option yeah man he used to get into the man

that's how you said you should do it can we call james one more time and just yeah that was him

oh that was him i'm sorry no it's okay i'm hoping he picks up i would like to talk to him because

that's fucked up a lot i like that p what let's go back here what did she say she said peep right

right well that's

a code yeah obviously she was singing they had her that had that poor

girl no it was a woman but they had brenda lee it says here was her name she said she is a creeper

too yeah she's creeping down and went down to pee like she was like oh yeah did she say she was

fucked up yeah in her bedroom fast asleep she was fucked up in her bedroom this is this is a

sick song yeah her dad probably gave her like here take these spanish fly pills yeah i don't think i

want to be associated with this show anymore i got special candy for christmas here i'm santa

claus here take this and they think she knows she woke up her panties were down oh wow i'm sorry

this is what this song is about it's a pedophile carlita it's a pedophile song

Kong. Matt Halock would agree with me

if he was here. He could tell you,

he could vouch. I'm sorry, not to

say anything about Matt. Love the guy.

Love him. If I saw him, I'd give him a big hug.

Should we see if he's available or do you

want to Christmas him? You and your

man hug.

Samantha was like, oh yeah, I want to

be on. And then she's like, well,

my attention comes and goes and waves. I don't want to

be on now. I'm going to a movie. I'm like, alright, fuck you.

Good jerk. Good old Samantha, right?

Good for nothing. Get our hopes up

and then just doesn't even come on.

he's a girl we won't talk to her who did i say matt hillock everyone shows up a soft line for

me i don't understand what the fuck's going on see if that works i can add some people if you're

getting bored can you it was not letting me add people is that what it's all about can you add

no no no it's just fun we're having a good time we're having a holiday party god we're yeah you

don't want to have a holiday party on the air no no i'm just kidding are you okay it's okay

okay brad here sit down sit down next we'll see who's online i'm gonna pat your head hey there's

matt hillock it says he's online he'll join he's just gonna give us a bunch of bad sound quality

issues though that's all he's gonna be like gotta go take a piss yeah i gotta get another beer

like the mute buttons but dwight has the same thing with his mic when he goes to talk he's like

oh yeah dwight's nothing compared to matt hillock true even dwight just needs a microphone stand

if we could get together am i not the worst have i lost my position is the worst yeah actually

you're pretty bad yeah you're pretty bad but yours is just like man i've held this title

like since the beginning so it comes and goes pretty scary that i've got challengers now

you're just a bit rate problem if you had a good bit rate you'd be fine yeah really nobody's on

tonight like it's pretty much everyone's just not around you know with their old lady a little red

wine it's as if it's christmas eve or something it's weird you're right okay they're gonna get

their nugget rubbed oh yeah because dwight was in here sam from the corner store i got a note

on my windshield saying that this is related to that cop from earlier it's the same area you could

in my car i was wondering i didn't see anything so i was wondering what that was all about please

call me back at this corner store number three seven she said her name's sam yeah three nine

she's laughing

2-0-0-2

thank you

call her back

at the store

she must work there

then

yeah I wonder

if she works

in Christmas

hey this is

Sam from the

she said this

corner store

number

she didn't say

mine

she said this

like where it

happened at

I wonder if we

could start out

with a call

from corporate

corner store

corporate

and get them

to do a survey

and then let her

know that we're

the carding person

or maybe she just

hangs out by the

payphone all day

one of those girls

yeah yeah

what would she

have a car though

stupid

Stupid.

She said she didn't see anything, so

it sounds like it's probably a newer car, man.

She's probably like, went in the store and used her phone?

Why is she laughing and stuff?

The cop earlier...

The cop earlier mentioned the corner store.

Okay, so there you go.

Ah, well, the voice was kind of

along the same line and tone of

Timber as that voice of that cop.

It could be Bate.

Hey, Carlito, you ever...

Do you remember convenience stores

where the payphone inside the store

was the same number as the store phone i remember that yeah i i remember uh hucks in in the midwest

we had a lot of hucks and those were always pay phones inside the store and if if the clerk was

on the phone you could pick up the pay phone and listen to them oh wow yeah there was there was

there was an old cumberland farms that had that um in the city i've heard wow that's cool we

never had that for some reason sam reminds me of that kind of store for some reason yeah it's

crazy all right well all right next we're gonna do another one then or we're gonna try her again

oh did we try her we didn't try her yet i'm sorry no no no you want to try to call that store then

do we get the number sure yeah i don't know she'll be around on christmas well no someone will be

there ask about sam this is uh east coast eastern time zone state so it's uh i got it nearly

midnight you never know brad you gotta try even if it's a mess it's better we're having fun

drink an eggnog fuck is this i'm done with ally mcbeal is this ally mcbeal again that was

this is so it was played on ally mcbeal or is that actually the lady ally mcbeal i don't know

it says her name is that maybe it's a different ally mcbeal like a real world let's look i gotta

look it up now now you're fucking with me hang on all right ally mcbeal christmas album let's see

ally mcbeal maybe there was a lot of christmas theme in the show because i didn't watch enough

episodes to know how it all works ali mcbeal had a lot of christmas songs apparently yes she did

and they released a cd called ali mcbeal a very ali christmas in 2000 that featured songs from

the show okay well that explains it i guess eh yeah it also has a song with robert downey jr

interesting was he on the show or something i think he was did he clean up and get on that show

or he he fell off the wagon while he was on that show i think something like i don't really know

anything about the journey before before iron man like i know nothing about him yeah i know he he

did have a slip up and i think as well he was on this show he ended up in rehab or arrested or

something is this like chick had bulimia and like real skinny yeah something like the last i think

like towards the end of this show run yeah she was came out came out that she was bulimic and

the last time i saw her she was all right okay that's what i was trying to figure out okay i

I think, yeah, I remember this one.

She was a skeleton.

She's like thinner and bones.

Yeah.

Like a bag of bones.

I don't know.

Why did I even bring that up?

I just said someone looked like that or something.

No, no, because the songs were coming in.

That's why.

The song's playing, actually.

It's her singing.

I guess this was before she could, you know, she lost her ability.

I've heard that about Ellie McNeil, that she was bleeding.

Yeah, true.

And I saw pictures like, oh, my God, it's a skeleton with skin hanging off of it.

I'm just curious about what happened.

It was a skeleton.

Yeah.

Hey, man, how are you doing?

Hey, man.

Happy Christmas, guys.

Hey, man.

Matt, what's Ally McBeal look like these days?

Oh, fucks if I know.

Well, her name is...

I'm going to look it up.

Is her name really close to Flockhart?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

That's right.

Okay, let's just start.

Merry Christmas, Matt.

Merry Christmas, bud.

Yeah, her name was closer to Flockhart.

She was like the butt of all the stupid late night shows joked for being skinny.

Before the reality show started up, she was the last of just...

IMDB only has her Ally McBeal picture from season one.

I'm looking on people now.

In 2014, Flockhart landed a role in Full Circle's second season as Mob Boss Ellen.

It is expected to air in 2015.

This will be Flockhart's first acting role in three years.

Here's a picture of her from 2009.

She doesn't look bad.

She's all right.

Yeah, this is a more recent picture of her here.

She doesn't look bad.

Would you guys think she was going to be dead?

I don't know.

Or maybe fat or something.

I'm just wondering what happened to her.

Maybe she kicked the bulimia, dude, and got normal again.

She's married to Harrison Ford.

Okay, well, there you go.

Oh, really?

There we go.

All right, well, I guess she's doing okay.

She's probably high as a kite.

It's going all right.

Yeah, she's good.

They could afford to fix her.

Yeah.

I guess she's fine.

Maybe she was just a skinny broad.

Maybe she wasn't blooming.

No, she admitted she was.

I thought it was true.

I don't know.

If it's rumored, then I don't know.

I just thought it was true.

I just remember hearing it.

I don't know.

I didn't say it was true.

I mean, who knows?

You know, some people are just skinny, you know?

All right, well, listen.

Throughout her professional career, she maintained her natural lean figure, but many commented that she had become dangerously thin, especially when she made red carpet appearances in clothing that revealed somewhat emaciated physique.

She maintained throughout the show's run that she was never diagnosed with either anorexia or bulimia, nor was she a user of illegal drugs.

she did remark however that while starring in the show she refrained from eating sweets

retaining her slimness love this music with intense workouts and running just listen to

jingle cats earlier yeah in 2006 she admitted that she had a problem at the time and was

exercising too much and eating too little stupid woman she sounds like she got woman problems yeah

i just women like workout like that crazy and get that thin shit they don't yes

yes milkman they don't even want someone to fill in the blank quick they get that

saying they don't even talk and cook milkman sandwiches

milkman needs sandwiches can you add enigma 420 he wanted to join oh yeah yeah i can't add anybody

for some reason shit down there shit's about to get yeah i can drag them over but i can't actually

add them oh it does for me they show up like they're ready to call in or join right now i

have a problem with the call i think maybe i'm the host what hey no i don't think you are i think

um we have to you add us to the call but i had to call back like it didn't call me when you did that

oh stupid skype yeah it's dude it's don't even get me started it's only such old man

like nothing's easy to find hey what what happened with sam at the corner store was it just

no answer uh let me try again i don't even know i pasted it in there i don't remember if we call

it or not it's that kind of night guys hey good who's that

merry christmas merry christmas merry christmas to all our cats here here

and dogs there you guys do it tonight but mostly the cats oh we're good thanks how you doing over

there i was looking at a youtube video that was like linked to this and there was all these weird

cat pictures i posted them all all these like pizza cats and it was vegetables that were morphed

to look like cats this trippy shit yeah dude i busted the fuck out my vaporizer batteries like

falling damn it man i've got to try to turn it back in but it's 25 restocking fee i think i'm

gonna call them personally and claim you know whine about i got fucking ms can't control my

hands i don't think they're open uh who posted a picture aussie jack in the chat room posted a

picture of klista flockhart in a thong very nice i'm sure brad not brad uh matt i bet you you do

the hell yeah where's the picture i want to crush you i see it i see it i want to crush you

second lovely you but look at those hip bones oh my god you can see the ball joint all right

Getting to my car last night

And I have this number left on it

Sounds fake

I don't remember you

So I thought maybe we could call that

There is two of my listeners

In that area code that she's from

They've been leaving carding notes

Yeah

Maybe she's

Maybe just like a crazy party girl

Like I don't remember you last night

She has so many dicks of me

oh shit all right you want so are we passing or going fuck it uh just go fuck it all right

if it's a listener we'll give him a merry christmas yeah right gloria gloria lives in

this area big glow she's always gloria hey man how about that glow you remember that glow

gorgeous gorgeous lady as a wrestler yeah have you seen that rep video dude

did oh it's great the glow did that glow fighting oh i know i used to like well certain things it

was like it wasn't as good as caliente on the spanish channel i've never seen that i was

talking to i thought you're on when i was talking about that on the spanish show there used to be

this dance hello hello hello hello yeah hi uh brad brad uh roy yeah do you wanna ma'am hello

Hello? It's hard to hear you, what?

Can I call you back?

Your phone's a piece of shit.

That's why. It's a piece of shit.

Wow.

I'm talking on my iPad.

Ma'am, ma'am, I left a note on your car,

and you can take that phone and just shove it right up your ass.

It's an iPad. It's kind of big.

Stupid bitch.

That's not a phone, honey, you dumb bitch.

Oh my god, I picked up the wrong thing.

dang i picture some disney broad holding the ipad up to her head

she answered on the phone but picked up the ipad and was talking i imagine it's a google voice

i imagine she answered the phone on her cell and picked up the ipad and was talking on that

against her head so she could hear us in the background but it's like that sorry for talking

talking over when they uh they answer but i can't see i can't well i can't see the calls

no excuse at all banging my fist on the desk man we're all over the place tonight we don't care i

fucked it up at the beginning too it's okay i'll give you a hug you know what i'm saying like when

the calls are on skype you're doing it again motherfucker yeah yeah happy christmas buddy

bullshit bullshit bullshit cunt motherfucker girl you're doing it again

i tried to give my brother-in-law the candle for loco again today and he said wasn't that here

when i was here on thanksgiving i was like yeah it's your first special night man i was only

kidding when i said motherfucker i was acting really oh you are good at that no i didn't mean

to make i still i still want to hear your fucking uh your stand-up set someday man

that was her again that was another message she left

I'm sorry Matt

Really I didn't mean it like that

If you think you're a fan of me

I got brain lesions and drunkenness

I don't remember

Chris

You left a note on my car

That you hit it or something of that nature

Doesn't look bad

This guy I'm pretty sure he's like wringing his hands

As he talks

Something of that nature

Thank you very much for living in the house

I think

He had to build up

the confidence to make that call he had to call his psychology psychiatrist first what do i do

talk me through this man yeah you gotta help me man man you're a man and that's another man and

he was good enough to leave that note so your car is damaged and he wants to handle it yes

he prayed over it too i'm good enough and gosh darn if people like me he prayed over it like

that kind of he took 15 minutes to pray over it silently lord father i pray that you please

Please help me out when I speak to this man.

That's some, like, real, like, ghetto-y shit.

Like, I'm going to prey on that shit.

I fucked up the last one, so I better not take this one.

All right, I'll try.

I keep making you do them.

I'm sorry.

I'm wringing my hands.

I just can't do it.

I'm sorry, Matt.

No, Matt.

What?

I hug your shoulders right now.

Mm-hmm.

I'm giving Matt a back rub.

I punch you in the gut playing around a little bit.

I wish.

Fuck, no.

Hey, dude, that DuckTales game's awesome, by the way.

yeah but did you see my comment that i sent you my observation on it no about the inca thing you

should read that read that now uh i don't know where you sent it man sent it on the internet

yeah i know what's your name you're matt should we just give up on this carding and go back

to uh yeah let's that's just some portraits we had a little bit of fun do you want to hear

blues bb king merry christmas makes me want to eat in a roadhouse why wouldn't you know what i

can't um i can remember somebody sending me a thing talking about who gives scrooge mcduck the

right to steal from the mayan empire that was me people yeah yeah but i thought it was on her some

weird name though yeah but seriously who gave scrooge mcduck yeah i know he i made him go take

take the fucking green cheese from the moon the moon people ain't got their shit and he's he's

just destroying all these robots that's what i was thinking he's killing all these aliens

yeah but the whole thing is like all right so i got robbed and then i got a map they found a map

that i already had in my house yeah and then holy shit there's all this treasure let's fucking steal

it i know it's it's strange i guess it worked on 8-bit days oh my god you know well the show

itself was like this kind of they would always be like an adventures to you know anyway steel

shit but the first level in this game like at the end like you go through the amazon and you

fight everybody and break everything and blow it up what is this where's this game at it's

It's the DuckTales Remastered.

It's on Steam.

It's on sale right now.

I think it's on X4.

It's a remake of the old DuckTales game.

I've never played the old one.

It's a reboot of the DuckTales.

I don't know if you dig it then.

I watched tons of DuckTales when I was younger.

I watched so much DuckTales.

It's like

a lot of the time

I'm playing the game and I'm like

I only like this because

It's like the springy thing is still fun.

Holy shit, $7?

Maybe it'll be on sale tomorrow.

It's on sale.

It's half off.

It's on sale.

I got it, dude.

I played it all day yesterday.

I remember the NES version.

Oh, it was so fun.

And the Game Boy version was good, too.

I beat the NES version and I had the Game Boy version.

I just played it just for the hell of it, just to go around and spring around and try to get as many diamonds as I could.

I already mastered it.

Yeah, dude, I played a lot on Game Boy.

That game for sure.

Hey, can I mention to everyone listening that there's now a Steam Phone Losers of America group?

I would say no, you can't mention that.

Oh, god damn it.

Okay, never mind.

Carry on, you guys.

What is it?

Give it out.

Hey, what is the group?

It's a group slash phone losers.

I didn't make it.

Some guy made it.

But I'm saying what happens if you're in it?

Nothing.

I don't know.

Well, you can see when they're on and they can be your friends.

I'm friends with AXPA and Palindrome and stuff now.

we can trade dude i wish the prize there hasn't been one a lot sooner than that yeah i don't know

somebody there's a link in chat i think someone made a madhouse one like last year for something

steam community groups hey thanks you're there's like there's 70 people in this comes there

well i'm about to join the group right now yay if you guys are playing ducktales maybe i'll start

playing ducktales tomorrow just because you guys are i'm embarrassed i want to belong i'm

embarrassing the games i play so i don't like adding people because i like to admit that they

play stupid games for a long time oh i don't care i'm shameless people like you're still playing

empire total war you're still playing simpson you may be logging in the steam from a new browser

jesus yeah i got that today too and i had to wait for an email to come in i have to wait for a text

this is the only browser i've ever logged in on before well this is a different computer i don't

Sounds like certificates expire.

Certificates expire.

That's all.

We need to do a new call.

Yeah.

Jorge.

Call Jorge.

George.

Jorge.

Jorge Perez.

I'll call him.

I'll be like, yes, they put me on because I speak.

Yeah, you're our official Spanish speaker.

Or if you want, talk to him, and no matter how he talks, say you can't understand his accent and put me on.

And even if he talks really perfect Spanish, I want you to say it.

Say I have a Spanish.

speaking associate who can help you better just say that it's so rude my mom would hate it when

people said that to her on the phone she'd be so offended you're right i think i gotta

fucking email so i'm calling for georgie oh it's right here okay you guys haven't are you guys

okay here is kissable can you hear okay me stupid georgie that would have been great to be so rude

do you have any more hispanics maybe next time we hit one we'll totally do that oh weirdly enough

there's not a lot of them there in ohio well oh yeah the car thing uh i think i joined a place

did you change your uh caller id to the most recent portrait studio no i'm doing some weird

number like a one two three prefix oh yeah it might help if you i put the number in there

all right note to self note to self those are always funny are you holding up your micro

cassette recorder when you say that yeah note to self set caller id i joined this group and what

does this mean now like what what happened you're a member now you share all your private game

information with everyone you can be my friend you can friend me on steam you just got to look

through those 75 users and figure out which ones me yeah why aren't you my friend anyway

i just signed up recently i don't know i don't know whatever i'm just doing it like i don't

I'm doing all this just because GTA is coming out in less than a month.

I am going to be like the hang on you guys, your guys' crew.

You're going to be like doing serious shit,

and I'm just going to be in the back like going,

because I'm not going to know how to use the controller right and shit.

Yeah.

Are you going to try Georgie again?

Georgie.

You got your caller ID?

I got the caller ID straightened out.

I gave it a little bit of time to rest.

Like a good meatloaf.

my mom thinks that like like time to rest like something's breaking electronics like if the tv

is breaking give it a couple days to rest i had an ad that unplugged everything still doesn't

have a microwave because it gives quote cancer she told me i'm not kidding you george but she's

age great but oh my gosh she puts foil on everything in the kitchen the sandwich press

pressmaker thing has it covered in foil completely cleans up the oil after every time she's still

alive how old is she she has a serious germaphobe thing love her to death she's like another mother

and she'd hate the fuck out of my dirty ass yeah like i'm just eating shit off the floor

and pissing it out my hands like whatever all right we got amy now yeah and this is what uh

portrait yep yep same one same store i'll take it or matt you want to do a funky

what what's going on these people sure sure sure amy amy baby baby doll yes that'll get her to

answer for sure amy baby come on baby

record your message when you have finished recording you may hang up or press one for

more options to leave a callback number press five amy baby i saw some of your pictures in

the portrait studio i worked back there i cleaned up at nights and i i don't want to get too bored

but i think i fell in love with you i whacked off all over the pictures and like

nobody's made me come like you did so i'll be by your house later amy love you dear kiss

Merry Christmas if you are satisfied with your message press 1 to listen to

your message press 2 to erase your message press 2 to erase if you are

satisfied with your message press 1 to message review I saw some of your

pictures in the portrait studio

and work back there to clean up

at night. I don't want

to get too bored, but I think I fucking

fell in love with you. I whacked off

all over the pictures and

nobody's made me cum like

you did. Is this how you met

Ida? Yes.

Oddly enough, yes.

Merry Christmas!

If you are satisfied with

your message, press 1 to listen

to your message. Press 2 to erase

I ruined it

I ruined it with my marriage

I like it

Yeah it's good

It makes it even more baffling

Like who's this other man

Alright urgent delivery

As requested in the chat room by

Several people

It doesn't mean anything

Shout out to the chat room

We've only got maybe 20 more numbers to call

I think we're good

we're having a good time who we got now hannah big hannah the big always they love that the big

girls love when you call them big i know they fuck it for the

chat room watch that what's what video what are you talking

Just scroll up about 50 lines

and you'll see what he's talking about.

Oh, look, he's doing it again.

Doing Nutella.

What can this be?

Someone can't Nutella.

Why am I going to watch this?

Quit sabotaging your show, Nutella.

How is it freakiest?

Message him on Facebook, you goddamn retard.

Hey, I mean, it seems kind of funny, I guess.

I don't know.

Cheers.

What's going on?

I'm confused.

Dog, dog, dog.

i think i i think i have some actually somewhere that spray gave me on another computer

it's weird that people don't answer on christmas eve i know it's like they're doing shit with

their family or whatnot well usually they're up like at christmas parties or they're drinking so

we yeah you kind of get more of them than you normally would at midnight for me on a

you know on a what thursday maybe we'll wake up some kids and they'll just get up for christmas

for the day.

Oh, Santa Claus is fucked up.

Santa Claus is going to be a black man today.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought he said that.

I was shook, yo.

It's like I wrecked the one pickup.

Hello, you have Kellers mobile voicemail.

Mobile voicemail, okay.

Wow.

Mobile, telephone, cellular phone, telephone, voicemail.

I got one of those new mobiles.

Voicemailbox.

Recording.

Virtual cloud.

Fuck, I wish we were on Skype.

You can leave me a message on my very own voicemail.

Oh, Jeffrey.

I'll take his thing right off here.

Wait until the tone.

Press leave your message with a name and number.

Press 1 to end your message.

It'll page my pager, and I'll know immediately.

Press 2 to fax me.

Hello, you have reached Jeff Keller's mobile voicemail.

Please leave a message at the tone.

At the tone.

Please record your message.

I love Jeff.

At the tone.

I think I do.

I think I'm putting him on my thing right now.

You know what I mean.

You have to leave your voicemail at the tone.

Press pound.

If you're done, then press one to send the message.

If you'd like to make the message urgent, hit two.

If you'd like to send a fax, hold the pound key and send your message.

As soon as you receive a receiver, rely on your phone.

If you'd like to connect to the BBS, press two.

Then enter your authorization code and press pound.

I just saved Jeff.

BBS, man.

Those were the days.

Alicia.

I hate this fucking song.

I know.

it's not repetitive at all is it god damn it then put the the old mckenzie's brother one

that's like my first thing left my love gave to me one beer and i thought that was funny yeah

great man that's cool we already played this one apparently sounds nice this is marceau zawi

go dc christus rodsey don't you have her good soul shit some good right there some some jive

music or something well we just played some we got celine dion next with oh holy night oh come on

frank sinatra ave maria stop me when you hear something frank sinatra no ray stevens little

drummer boy next door everyone loves that one that is the cut actually remember when we were

driving around in our ford escort rocking that out the back that was the best best memory ever

the hell is this is funny sounds like a good old boy song doesn't it hell yeah i gotta shoot some

clay pigeons to this song man christmas day we got a political message here we got a political

message hello do you want me to add her to the call hello hello alicia alicia alicia honey

a panda hug and kiss honey we're sorry come on we're sorry don't be afraid yeah it's okay we

We need to talk to you, Alicia.

How is she?

Honey, baby.

Weird.

Did she pick up?

I don't know.

I think she picked up and she listened for a little bit and hung up.

Let's see if she rolled on.

I got a feeling she was kind of scared.

I like that other lady.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Hello?

What's going on?

From the beginning.

My phone just rang.

Oh, my God.

The phone rang, too.

That's basically what happened.

She told her son that.

Were you listening during that one, Matt?

Yeah.

No.

I don't listen.

I just told him.

I can't listen to y'all's shows

because all I want to do is be on.

Just listen to every show.

I listen to it and record it,

but when they're live, I'm like,

I could have said this funniest

little thing here.

I could have done this.

My numbers suck.

No, they're good. We've had a lot of answers.

Does it really matter?

Some lady

named Gloria

says to add her.

She's furiously

messaging me.

Is she your friend or Brad's friend?

Absolutely.

I can drag her in.

She can lie to you about the job.

Is that who this is?

I don't know.

Drag her in?

I'm done with this song.

Here, there you go.

There, you're added.

Gloria.

Yay.

Pick up, pick up, girl.

This is your moment to shine.

Pick up.

Who cares about her anyway?

Yeah.

I'll call Lindsay.

Here's Lindsay.

Lindsay.

It's me, it's Lindsay.

you telling that guy that's the shit oh maybe i should have picked west coast people you know

portrait people legend hates west coast people what do i say you go you're in the heat keep your

mouth shut woman matt she's your friend and you want to introduce us oh uh some broad named gloria

i don't know i don't know her from fucking adam so she's been trying to talk me in a head and

brad for a minute hey gloria what's up brad's friend and he just doesn't pick up so hi gloria

I can't pick up, it's not my call, it's not my show

Oh, it's that girl

Oh, the one you were telling me about that thing at time in the bathroom

Oh, jeez

Brad, it's really, sometimes blood does come out of that hole, so you're okay

Okay, alright, I wasn't sure

Matt, you ever check out them deflowering videos?

They seem fake

Yeah, I think so too, I was gonna ask you

I don't trust anything like that kind of shit

Are they using red food coloring? Who knows

Like, I'll see them, and they just see that.

Except for, like, every now and again, they'll see a Russian one,

but it looks kind of like she's really there against her will.

I mean, yeah, maybe.

All right, Megan again.

It's hopeless. Let's just give up.

Let's just burn through them, dude.

Someone will pick up, and if not, we'll just do other stuff.

Bye, Gloria.

We can edit it in post.

Like on my show, trick everyone into thinking it was a good show.

You know, it was just this.

Fix it in post.

Fix that shit in post, Joe.

Fix that shit in post.

Can it?

Let's go.

I always edit out all my Gloria voicemails.

That makes it better.

Oh, wow.

Just kidding.

I made a doll of you.

I feel like I did a thing and this girl left.

You guys were officially broken up, Brad.

It's weird.

Oh, you know.

Fix it in post.

I should.

I bet if you, like, edited down my six-hour shows, you can make a decent show out of it.

actually three two one stop all right so what else were we doing i forget now give me a

being dead sexy or brad you could call bridget fuck that hoe i don't know who's bridget what's

the joke okay so my mom she's like a total psychopath and so i gave brad her number and

i don't know you guys call her again and just prank her yeah okay all right here we go i'm

gonna get another room hey look i'll mute there you go all right let's hear from look at me i'm

I'm learning, see?

You make more noise telling us about how you're muting than you do.

You motherfucker.

Thank you for calling the NoraTrek Santa House.

Here we go.

We're in.

Radars indicate Santa has launched off from the North Pole.

Matt, you know the rules.

Don't say anything to any of these for God's sake.

NoraTrek will be with you in a moment.

You may watch the business online for exciting Santa updates at www.NoraTrek.org.

I want to rip Santa's belly open and fuck the insides of Matt Hillock.

It's funny because I'm drunk.

Does Matt have any young children I could...

Thank you for calling the NORAD Track Santa hotline.

Radars indicate Santa has launched off from the North Pole.

A NORAD Santa tracker will be with you in a moment.

You may want to visit us online for exciting Santa updates at www.NORADSanta.org.

Gloria, this is your chance to talk to Santa people.

Can we say your daughter wants to find out when Santa's coming?

I'll do it.

What do you want me to say?

You wait first.

You follow me, okay?

You got it?

All right, good.

Yeah, God damn it, Gloria.

I got it.

Jesus Christ.

Is your name Gloria?

What do you want your name to be?

Rosa?

There you go.

just make it rosa hello from norah track santa this is captain josh harrington speaking how may

help you captain josh listen i just caught my daughter rosa over here in bed with her boyfriend

and they were having sex and she they weren't using protection santa ain't coming to this

fucking house tonight uh get on the line rosa and she's gonna explain to you that santa's being

and divert i want you to divert that fat motherfucker away from my house tonight well i

mean but i like santa but you know i don't want him near my house i mean i think he's perverted

and i think he he chases after children and he just wants to molest them that's all he wants to

do she didn't even pay attention to what i said exactly she did you didn't get theory the theory

The theory was that he called the Santa Hala and said that he caught you fucking tonight,

so Santa was not going to come, and you were supposed to be sorry about that.

Where's Santa at right now, Captain? Hurry up.

Currently, he's been heading towards Guatemala right now down in South America.

Guatemala then, huh?

Yes, he is.

And he's carrying that package, correct?

I like the background sound.

He's got that

He's going to be doing the eradication thing

Right down there

The coca leaf eradication project

He's going to be participating in that

Alright hey guys I gotta let you go

Merry Christmas

I love you captain

I love a man in a uniform

Dude I liked the fake

Background

You think that's fake

No that's him dude

Hey Brad you want to try to get that

He just said he'll BRB

hey listen hey matt can everyone here mute up we're gonna try to grab that audio so we can

loop it all right okay yeah so everyone mute up let's see if yeah we can do that thank you for

calling the norad track santa operation center yeah all of our santa trackers are currently on

the line with other callers please call back at a they changed it now thank you for calling the

norad track santa yeah it takes forever to get out fucking kids calling and shit it's already late

what's wrong with them

why do they still take calls this late

what the hell

I'm gonna stop calling

I'm suspicious now

now that they call on skype

are you guys there what's going on

unmute unmute I'm sorry

unmute unmute

you did that shit nigga

unmute unmute good work guys

good work dude how cool are those

MF Doom shows

the shoes I know fuck I should have

asked for those for Christmas

remember what was the what was the one blue album when they're like i got these clocks with like

green on top i don't know i'm guessing they're like new york knicks colors but the suede is

awesome i've got two i've got two pairs remember that wood tang album when they were talking about

clarks like that like crazy yeah i got the wallabies i got them i'm gonna make them fresh

Well, they've made a bunch of limited edition ones already, like, I think Ghostface had

one.

Doom is dope, though.

It's cool because I guess the heel has a hidden Doom mask on it that it leaves, and it's supposed

some of them are glow-in-the-dark, some are not, apparently.

The rumor is like some of them glow-in-the-dark.

You can see it kind of like stamped in the suede near the back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

it looks like it looked good with a pair of jeans man i totally wear it what was the it was old

dirty bastard smacky cat what what was saying where they were talking about all the shoes

they were gonna get and what colors they're gonna get them in i'm asking the chat room yo

you can get a non-existent sound clip yeah i don't know the chat room here is like oh yeah

we're nervous they do like yeah we're nerds they said old dirty bastard wu-tang affiliates

yeah man ghf yeah we're in i think we're in thank you for calling the nora trek santa hotline

radars indicate all right listen guys mute up so i'm going to try to get some sound effects

We'll be with you in a moment.

You may want to visit us online for exciting Santa updates at www.NoradSanta.org.

Yeah.

We're going to get some.

Thank you for calling the NoradTrack Santa hotline.

Radars indicate Santa has launched off from the North Pole.

A Norad Santa tracker will be with you in a moment.

You may want to visit us online for exciting Santa updates at www.NoradSanta.org.

We may.

This is NoradTrack Santa.

Lieutenant Commander Erin Seabier speaking.

How may I help you?

Hello?

Hi, this is NORAD Track Santa. Lieutenant Commander Aaron Seabier speaking. How may I help you?

Hello?

Yes, where is, uh...

Hello? I have a bad connection. Can you hear me okay?

Hello?

Yes, hello?

Yes, hi. Can you tell me where Sanda Machine is at?

Uh, yes. He, it looks as if he is headed for New Orleans, Louisiana. Where are you calling from?

From my room.

All right, well, thank you for...

Well, so funny.

Plenty of...

Are you busy or something? Who's there?

Uh...

It sounds really cool.

The phones sound like they're from the 80s.

It sounds like Master Command, Whopper, kind of.

You know, it sounds so cool.

Well, you have a good night.

Merry Christmas.

Hey, do you wear, look, what size is your bra?

Like, do you have a C or a B?

No?

I don't know what to ask her.

I just tried to pull as many sound effects as I could.

Did that work, Brad?

It was kind of okay.

Sound effects?

I don't think I heard any.

Yeah, I didn't hear you doing any effects, bud.

yeah i didn't hear anything either no there background effects oh yeah yeah i know yeah

i was thinking you can grab operation center i'm done calling norad that is sneaky they're like

yeah i do a call or no can who wait can i do a call can i do like one of those calls where like

yes you need to i really want to do one of those like photo calls like the photo center calls

Yeah, let's give her a photo call.

Yeah, he'll be our technician.

Okay, I got this. I actually have been planning

a really good one, so if you guys...

Oh, wow. It's not gonna work.

It's not about killing people or anything like that.

No, no, no. I'll just say that the accident, like,

I kind of sold...

Don't. We'll steal your fucking thunder

if you give us the idea.

Oh, yeah. Sorry. Well, Brad's already used the idea,

but I kind of want to, like, redo it.

Because I wasn't good enough at it?

Is that it? No.

I get it. I understand what you're saying.

Poor Brad. It's Christmas. Why would you say that?

Yeah.

You know who doesn't have a family?

Yeah, I think.

I gotta get the blocked thing.

All we have to do is call 20 people

until one of them picks up.

You guys ever eat an apple and then realize you ate the sticker on it

with the UPC code?

I'm gonna wallop me some Wu-Tang

and I keep getting some song

called Gravel Pit, but I don't think

that's it.

People around here don't eat apples. What the hell?

Oranges?

squares they're for export yeah whatever anyway apples are for export apples are the backbone of

the american uh fruit industry what are you talking about you're eating an apple hello is

that amy amy amy hey uh did you get your photo done recently at uh walmart no i get your work

it isn't always walmart guys

Guys, you've got to tell me where it's coming from, so at least I have an idea.

Well, you're not supposed to say.

Haven't you listened to the show where we're going to say brand names?

Oh, okay, I got it.

The photo center.

It's nice you said I sounded like Artie Lang.

He's a great guy.

I got Doug Stan and the Hope and Artie Lang, and within a few days, that's good.

I like that.

Okay, so I won't say any brand names.

I got that.

I'll just say you got your photos done at the photo center.

Hang on.

Everyone at once.

matt what are you talking about arty lang and doug stanhope you're going to what the hell is that

this broad just said i sounded like arty lang and i said thanks kid and somebody the uk head

the other day on my show said i sounded like doug stanhope and those are two cats i really like so

we should do stand up together me and you should totally get into it oh dude it could be fun i

think matt should vlog his life on youtube one vlog daily 15 minutes of him do you doing shit

on a daily basis i think it would be do pretty good online i'm just saying get started on that

man god damn it yeah you know how lazy and crippled i am dude you have an awesome life

you just kind of chill people like watching that shit on youtube just some people that get all

it's you know time to do that what the fuck i wanted you you could take it to your doctor's

appointments you could take it to your doctor's appointments yeah yeah i'm still boss after all

all the cocaine i've done too kid oh my god never been celebrity level but ready to start the new

the new portrait place yeah okay so no companies i know what to do and they i'll just say that

they got their photos under photo center i got this you got a big gloria there you go now you're

learning if you have to say the name it's fine but like we try not to i won't give your bet

I like to call it the best effort.

You'll get on that, like, thing.

Oh, God.

Yeah, this is exciting.

Oh, my.

Gloria.

I went downstairs and reheated my Tostitos, so they're really delicious.

Oh, good.

You put some extra salt on it.

Yeah, Merry Christmas, everybody.

Thank you.

Merry Christmas.

Here we go.

So, Gloria, you see it in the chat, right?

Like, Amber?

Amber pervert?

Yeah.

Okay.

Parrot.

Caw, caw.

Amber?

What?

what at the tone please record your message when you finish recording you may hang up or

that's weird the first few seconds for voicemails is silent yeah so confusing i knew she said this

amber and that's what you're like really quick stupid amber she was high when she left that

she's oh now okay that's how they get you is this uh angela capers amber oh amber so amber

have you uh you got your pictures at the photo center recently right amber it's midnight where

Why aren't you calling me about pictures?

Well, we had a little bit of a problem.

When we reprinted your photos, the colors that you were wearing for your clothes ended up burning down our facility.

And we're actually here right now.

It's all burned to a crisp.

And, I mean, everyone's out of work right now on Christmas because of your photos.

What are we going to do with these workers?

They're out of work on Christmas.

How are they going to go home to their family?

family. You sound like you don't even care. I'm sorry. I don't know. I mean, didn't you see the

regulations that you're not supposed to be wearing colors such as you were? And by the way, we were

going to charge you extra for the gang signs you were flashing. Ma'am, this is a very serious matter

and you have no right to be laughing about this. I'm not, ma'am. I'm just confused. Seven employees.

employees. Seven employees. Okay. But seriously, ma'am, why are you laughing about this? I'm sorry.

I, I'm not sure what you want me to do. You're liable for this. There were new children in the

pictures. Uh, okay. This is Amber, correct? Amber Parrot, or Parrot, or however, I don't know how

to pronounce that, but I'm looking at our files right now, the ones that we could burn out of the

crisp but my my manager has third degree burns on his face ma'am i mean it's christmas i mean

do you understand this um no actually why don't you explain it one more time so ma'am the clothes

that you were wearing in your photo shoot for when you're doing your photos they were the by

regulations state regulations you are not allowed to wear those color of clothes you wore those

clothes without reading the permission and when you signed the waiver you clearly stated you

would not wear that the color red and when you wore the color you took your pictures and that

picture burned down our equipment because the heaters got so so uh hot heated up that the whole

photo studio just burned down seven employees are in the hospital five of them are in critical

condition my manager's third degree burns on his face and everyone's out of work now i mean is this

is this funny to you actually it's not it's 12 30 on christmas so i'm not very pleased right now

i'm pretty sure this is the person who took the pictures right yes ma'am it is the fire department

actually they're here right now they said that you're responsible for over seven million dollars

of damages i mean you should come down here right now and definitely you need to sign some waivers

and we need to speak about this you know i mean i mean is this a joke i mean now i'm out of work

Over 30 employees are out of work on Christmas.

How are we supposed to tell our families this?

Ma'am, I will deal with this through the police.

I'm just going to call them right now.

That's fine.

I mean, did you read the regulations at all?

Did you understand that?

I mean, you sound like you're a little, you might sound like a little blonde, but I mean, I don't understand.

No, I'm actually very upset, and I'm going to call the police right now.

You're at the store.

I'll just let them know that we can deal with this then.

Police are for squares, and ma'am, you are a square.

the police are already here i don't i don't know what to tell you i mean the store is burned down

i mean i don't i just i don't know what to say to you i don't know i mean if you want to come to

the store right now and you can witness it for yourself take some pictures for your insurance

company you can do that um i mean it's christmas but i mean i'm out of work my employees are out

of work i got five people in the hospital i mean how am i how am i supposed to pay my bills now

do you want to pay my bills i mean i don't know what to tell you right now but

if you signed a waiver that clearly stated you cannot wear this color because of printing

empty purposes i'm sorry can you shut those kids the fuck up in the background i don't know what's

going on behind you but um g-i-n-g-l-e cats cats that was good kid yeah i

get so scared when they mention the cops.

I'm sorry.

I just got, like, really confused.

They're like, oh, my God, the cops.

The cops are probably on their way to your house right now.

That's when I laugh at them more.

They're going to break in your door, and they're going to come through the window.

Like, so many of my numbers I have saved are threatened to call the cops.

Can I please do another one, please, for Christmas?

Can this be my Christmas present?

Okay.

Give her one, and she, like, wants them all.

SWAT team is going to break your door in.

You're going to get me in trouble with my...

Why?

Okay.

What's the number?

Was that Amber that we just talked to?

Yeah.

You had another one that you said, right?

It's already loaded in here?

Angelique preloaded it.

I'm sorry for the cats.

I just was having fun.

I thought it was behind her, and I was like, what the fuck is that?

I liked the jungle cats, too.

Dude, a little randomness is so fun to, like, fuck people.

All right, capers and Angelique capers.

she still was uh angelique she still was talking like i'm sorry ma'am i don't know

should i tell amber i'm the the radio station producer hey everybody this ain't roxy yo

i just thought it was taking too long so i was trying to wrap it up wrap it up yeah that was

good hello angelique angelique hello is this angelique capers hello uh whoa i'll call her

again no yeah we don't do that we don't do that shit here wasn't there some something like angelic

angelic i can bring home the bacon angelic fried up in the pan that was something else

this commercial how about that kind of digging this one carlin this song yeah i thought you

like it yeah nice and jazzy i like it jazzy shit sounds like crap whatever the boss wants

bullshit well brad is uh the boss so okay yay i'm gonna make him wrap it up guys wrap it up

oh man change the song please if you could he's not even here anymore oh he's in control

no i always say that he never wears this this is john bon jovi bon jovi baby come home the only

loud one on the on the cd yes yes real good brad yay look what i did it's the gremlins song

that's the only thing i know this song i don't know is this in the gremlins one

Yeah, it was in the very beginning.

Oh, yeah?

Really?

But it wasn't Jon Bon Jovi.

Oh, so it wasn't this song.

Well, it was the same song, though.

This is the only time I've ever heard this song.

This is a cover.

Yeah, a cover of Gremlins.

A live cover of the Gremlins song by Jon Bon Jovi.

He took it very seriously in that movie.

He cried at the end.

The song that was in Gremlins.

This is a cover-up.

You know, reportedly, Michael Jackson cried at the end of the first Men in Black movie.

It touched him.

Who knows, man?

The thing about the weird life that a cat was living.

It's crazy.

You know, like, he was in a real weird world.

Like, you're like, you're that fucking cat died off to eat too many, like, sleepy things or whatever anesthesias at night.

Had to put him on anesthesia so he could sleep.

The guy was really fucked up, man.

Yeah, and that's that like dude that had to be such a weird world buying everything

Constantly the drug stupor. All right. All right

Every Christmas kid I'm eating the sriracha sauce by itself. Yeah, I suck on the bottle

Put it in something like a little gerbil

You do this in restaurants

I don't go to restaurants.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to bring that up.

What were you thinking, Carlito, asking a question like that?

I don't know, right?

How insensitive.

Oh, wow.

Mrs. Morgan's eight months, kid.

Dang it.

Mrs. Stacey, old already.

What the fuck?

Yeah, I was...

Why do people hate you so much?

Me?

Yeah.

I don't know.

I don't really like people anyway, except you guys, and I don't know.

Everybody hates Gloria.

I know.

I'm a very unlikable person.

Why do people think you're fucking Roxy?

I don't know.

Maybe my...

say that about neon too there's a bunch of virgins in the chat room who just say that

oh stacy oh is it just like that's the only broad that's around so everyone says that um

what's her face uh neon that one neon neon is stacy too yeah that's weird it's that nico lady

she started all this yeah fucking nico you need to ban her from everything ah she's great she's

she's got a fragile mind at the moment she's trying to kick the wine

i posted another one amber okay i'm ready whenever you are my mouth is on fire right now wow look at

her she just jumps right up she's ready she's on that it's nice when you can just lay there and

have a broad jump up on that dick she's like that's fox like oh i'll take this one i'll take

Why can't I take this one?

Hey, this is Pat and Fox.

Damn glorious.

Okay, that's Fox.

Pat and Fox.

Hello?

Hi, is this Amber Gerritsen?

Yes, it is.

Hi, I'm calling from the photo studio.

You know, you got your pictures done here a little while ago?

Two days ago?

Yeah.

It's very unfortunate to announce, but unfortunately, the color that you were wearing in your photo

photoshoot. It burned the printers so badly that our entire studio actually burned down. And

you're liable for the cause now. And we actually have five employees right now who are in critical

condition in the hospital. And I mean, we're all out of work right now because of you.

That can't be true.

It is true, ma'am. I mean, it's not a laughing matter. I don't know why you're laughing, but

but I don't know what to say.

It was stated in regulation that you're not supposed to wear the color,

a couple colors that we listed, and unfortunately, you didn't listen.

I don't know why, but...

I don't know why you're calling me at the time that you are.

I don't appreciate it.

You don't appreciate it, ma'am. I'm out of a job.

So if you don't appreciate that, you want to pay my bills?

You want to pay my phone bill?

No, I don't think you want to.

Ma'am, I'm out of a job right now.

and quite frankly it's because you're dumbass forgot to wear the right color the call has ended

thank you that was good i like that a lot of people when they first get on they're like i

don't want to take it i don't want to take it yeah okay i got like a good i forgot to save my

original plan because i kind of just forgot but i got a good one why why why are people picking up

by the way now they didn't pick up for like we're in a different store now

different area they're a little more receptive to answering the phone line i guess different area of

the same state so we got todd now okay well if you need my help i'm here yay i like how yours

are all dark you're like oh all these people died and i was gonna do gang signs and new children i

just forgot to i said no children

really tamagotchi fuck the show come on man somebody somebody kick tamagotchi quick

hello you've reached the office of todd oh he's probably getting a kick now financial

i hope so our regular office hours think of his bullshit trying again i love tamagotchi i just

don't know why i don't know why they're so hostile it's christmas eve for christ's sake

that was an office or something for todd yeah like his secretary said the voicemail form

Hello, you've reached the office of Todd Lucius, a financial representative with Private Financial.

Our regular office hours are Monday through Friday from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.

Interesting, huh? He's got his little secretary there.

Yeah, how I get.

Grab her ass on your way out of the office.

Yeah, little, hey, you have a good weekend, girl.

Me?

No.

The imaginary girl in the office.

The imaginary man says to the imaginary secretary.

secretary as we're in our fantasy gloria but you know what you know what just happened to the

holiday party you know what's up oh she they did it i should get one of those

you know matt you know corbin right yeah yeah yeah he sent me a train whistle oh nice nice

i need one we could all have train whistles here listen it sounds really girly it's not

i like carlitos so it's an effeminate yeah carlitos has some testosterone i'm gonna throw

this one away we could start a band though yeah all right when i get when i get paid on the third

i'm getting a recorder a train whistle and a kazoo on amazon there you go all right i got a

kazoo already i had looking for it here it is it's right next to me all right jenna next all

All right, stop it, guys.

Can I do it?

No.

This is Brad.

Where's it already been?

Brad, Brad.

What?

Santa Claus is coming to town.

Steal your gas from your car.

I think we're going to have to do a New Year's show because nobody picks up on Christmas Eve.

They really won't pick on New Year's Eve.

I was getting ready to take a break and we could do like another hour or so.

Is that okay with you?

Yeah, we're good.

We've been on for almost four hours.

About three hours, 40.

About three and a half without clouding our little intro.

Big intro.

okay this lady here hey carlito yes you talked to andy or uh already lately already uh he tried

to call in the thanksgiving show last i heard and he was just laying low but no how was that

why so no i was just wondering i haven't heard from him in a while no i haven't i could try to

call him look his ass up i'll give him a call text him see if i get his attention all right

here's the next one sheila this one is for brad i believe

Say it's for the little bird

and then pass it off to Brad

at the last minute because then

the cosmos will make them answer.

I'm going to take that break for a good signal later.

I'll be back in about five minutes. I need to stretch.

I want to make like a sandwich.

Something with a lot of meat in it.

I don't know where that came from.

Yeah, I want to do it.

You guys going to stick around?

Yeah, yeah.

Can I still stay, guys?

yeah no no no you're sick of your shit no you're not allowed are you just gonna play something so

we're not broadcast uh yeah you're not gonna be going on yeah you're gonna hear stuff all right

i'm gonna take a break and play some pranky calls all right okay good yeah all right so

why don't you make it quiet for us you want you don't want to hear it oh no okay or quiet it down

quite a fair bit okay all right i'll do that all right buddy can you make it like full volume

Oh, Jesus.

Okay, bye.

Oh, man.

Can I help you?

Am I talking to a person?

There you are.

I want to do that firework sales thing.

Okay, and what area and town are you calling from, sir?

I'm calling from Orlando, the Orlando Machine.

I am well-known around here.

I used to sell pumpkins for Halloween.

Okay, right now what we're doing is...

I'm not done with my credentials.

I sell live turkeys in the back for Thanksgiving,

giving and you can throw rocks at them and then however many you hit if you stone it you get to

keep it it's five dollars a stone really yeah interesting right now what we're doing is taking

down names and number for the orlando area manager right she'll be contacting you back

to schedule an interview i also do uh the christmas trees but uh we've already got that

taken care of i got so angry these these um these puerto ricans that came they didn't want

to buy the damn christmas trees that i threw it on top of their car i said i don't mean to cut

I gave it to them, those stupid assholes.

Don't hurry up and buy this stupid Christmas dress and just take the stupid thing.

Take the stupid thing!

Hey, woman, is there a man I can speak to?

Excuse me?

Are there any men that work there?

No, for who do you want to speak?

I want to know if you have a certain product, but I think only maybe, you know, are you reliable?

like you know where to find stuff there yeah okay all right she's looking for it already hello okay

is this a man is this a man because i don't like speaking to women on the phone my wife doesn't

allow me to okay okay what's the largest quantity you have of um like gin of gin yeah the largest

and what's the brand name i got like the like the largest size yeah gin i got teagrum's gin

half a gallon half a gallon of it how much does that go for two half a gallon yeah um yeah how

How much do you want to spend on it?

I don't even know.

What do you got?

What do you need?

I got some bread.

You want some bread?

Seagrams is how much?

$29.99 for the Seagrams.

Uh-huh.

And I'm going to tell you how much the other one is.

Uh-huh.

Bombay, how much?

$4.99 for the Bombay.

I'll take that Bombay.

I'm going to break you off like $50, all right?

Go back.

Hey, let me break you off.

Let me break you off a clean $50.

I'm going to go to the ATM, get out $40, and then my old girl's got $10.

Excuse me?

I'm going to go to the ATM, pick out $40, and then my old girl has $10.

$54.99 plus tax.

Well, let's do $50 plus tax.

Come on.

I'll take the dry gym.

Come on.

Hook me up with $50.

$54.99.

What about the two C-grams?

No, go to the other one.

Hey.

Why?

What about the two C-grams?

What do you mean?

Well, I'm trying to get your attention because I'm talking to you and you're not listening to me.

Don't scream at me.

Listen.

What about the two C-grams?

What about C-grams?

How about two C-grams for $50?

C-grams?

No, there's tax.

How about a big C-grams and you get like a medium C-grams?

Yeah, I got a medium figure.

There's still tax.

Listen, I want as much gin as I can get with $50.

So you've got to make a combination.

Figure out I'm going to write a check for $50 exactly.

No, we don't take checks.

Are you insane?

Well, then I've got to go to the ATM.

Then go to the ATM.

Yes, go to the ATM.

Do whatever you have to do.

But why?

They charge me.

They don't take checks, and they were charging tax, and we don't take checks.

They charge a fee.

Help me out.

I want to make it even $50.

No, I'm helping you.

I'm telling you.

Go to the ATM and take out the money.

I got, okay, I'm going to get 50 cash, all right?

And what do you want me to do with that?

Well, let's make a combination to get the maximum amount of gin.

If you want that, I can get you, how much is a half a gallon of Seagram's gin?

Yeah, look at a Seagram's gin.

How much is that?

Give me one second.

Together, how much is both of them?

Both of them together, 20 what?

No, forget it, you don't have enough.

You got $50.

All right, you can get a half of it.

What's the next smallest one then?

What do you got?

You got a pint?

You know what?

I got a pint for $10.99.

You can get a half a gallon, you can get a pint.

For $10.99?

Alright, what's, and then, that's, no, no cash?

Alright, so, that's, that's, how much is the tax, then?

Like, ring it up, ring it up real quick, and then print the receipt, and I'll come in, I'll pay that, exactly, the penny.

Alright, and then, how much is the cigarettes?

Oh, what about, um, you got, uh, like, small, the small airplane bottles of Bacardi?

All right, well, how much do those go?

How much is...

3 at 1-888-788-509.

You know what?

I hope that when you die, they put your GPS in your box and a trapdoor at the bottom.

So when you die, you open a trapdoor at the bottom, your GPS, and you go straight down to the hell.

Madhouse Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever...

ever make you who you are excuse me yeah motherfucker rap music

and headphone no all right i mean popcorn as usual at this time of night what are we doing

dude i've been getting some of that uh flaming hot popcorn so good man you're really under the

hot the capsaicin huh you're a capsaicin yes i did like even a christmas dinner third christmas

lunch where i uh i was putting the ghost peppers i'm over here crying all by myself

the rest of the fam's over being happy and i'm sitting by myself crying like a weirdo

you think it's kind of like cutting in a way for you like a cutter no it's because i know it's um

it's not like i like hurting it's only this ghost sauce it just tastes so good like i don't love

every hot thing well i guess i'm telling you the chips i like and shit i think it's because i'm

kind of used to it now yeah you ready to do another call wow really really we're making

those sides fucking broad are you ready to make that you know what you go make a show

make calls you you go have a gloria show take that yeah the gloria hole i just i think if i

If I'm good today, maybe I'll do some stuff with Brad,

and then maybe something will happen.

I don't know.

You just think you're climbing on with Brad.

Good luck with that.

We got a new intern, Brad.

No, no, no.

I mean, like, if I do calls with him and I turn out to be, like, I'm good enough,

maybe I'll do my own thing.

I don't know.

Yeah, you're very, very, you're sitting here side to side.

It's not hard to do your own show anymore.

You have to log, like, 100 carding notes in your area before I'll consider it.

by the way i tried doing it and my dad turned all psycho on me and he's like don't do that

you're gonna get you're gonna get arrested and like i'm like dad it's hard to blame him you

could get your ass kicked or something i'm gonna see you or it could be on a security camera someone

could flick you the finger could could i talk to you yeah you don't want to see someone's finger

could i talk to your dad about i'm i'm your friend you talk to online and i think that's from the

internet yeah my dad my dad knows brad because like my dad actually left without a voicemail but

it you're fucking my daughter yeah it was it was a really angry voicemail was it yeah he's just like

you need to stay away from her no you were just like you should do something you should do like

more car pranks or something i don't know he was like being stupid no that's what he told you but

like the voicemail he left i was scared you motherfucker i heard it it was all about

guarding your teenage pussy oh my god stop yeah i put a pussy troll in her pussy you try to fuck

he's gonna bite your dick off i have a 10 i have a 10 hour car ride tomorrow to nova scotia and

he's gonna want to hear this call these calls and if he has to hear this he's gonna be like

yeah make sure you skip ahead on this part yeah hey gloria's dad we didn't really mean oh shit

just kidding okay can i please do a call i'm gonna tell somebody that there were new children

in her photo and that the nsa are coming after her um what are the movie posters on your wall

kid um i have sherlock uh because i like sherlock i had black ops doctor who and the hobbit i'm sure

all the nerd boys are getting so hot for you right now oh my god that's creepy nice matt's

talking about himself oh no i i don't think i like any of the month versions i mean i think

i watched sherlock and it was kind of okay but oh yeah i also have a uh a tears for fears poster

sister in my room i heard them on a podcast the other day like they they did all just this giant

interview yeah i like 80s music a lot that's weird nice very nice i'm looking for a 24-hour

walgreens we're gonna have some fun with that right can i do it no the one in ferguson no no

this is in hawaii no you burnt that one down matt remember you killed you killed it man you killed

it that's the carlito was telling me that it burnt it down we stayed on the line until we fried it

or something you don't remember that shit that shit was fun i was in the hospital i vaguely

remember i remember i had my um you know the hospital tv control that has the audio on it

i kept it really close to my microphone so you could hear that was fun matt you don't remember

that you like we were on their system i remember talking to philip the next thing you know on

television you see that that walgreens is on fire yeah i remember i was talking to carlito about

that like i like to think about their pbx like slowly melting hey you remember um we tried to

call the liquor store that was being right being um um raided by the riders i can't add one of

those if you want well no listen we we were calling the one that got raided which is the

same one i think no no it's just different liquor store right there remember i was we

were trying to call it i was gonna say i was gonna don't do that stop that hey you don't

remember that yes i do i do recall that yeah when you say things like i remember my brain really

like y'all don't know how shit my brain i do between yeah i actually have like a really good

idea and it might sound really stupid i know my dad told me not to tell you guys this but um

oh he said keep it for yourself maybe this is a copyright more like he commanded us not to say

Thank you for calling Walgreens.

Located at the corner of New Huanu and Poole in Honolulu.

No, but he, okay, so there's this bar down the street from us,

and this guy, he's like, he's not paying people the right prices for liquor,

and the guy's like, you should call him.

The guy's like totally Jewish, and he'll, like, scream at you.

Our pharmacy is open until 10 p.m. tonight.

To refill your prescription, press 8.

If you are a prescriber, press 1.

One, if you are a patient, press two.

To hear pharmacy hours and location, press seven.

To speak to one of our pharmacy staff, press zero.

To return to the main menu.

The Walgreens is really open tonight?

Yeah, open until 10 this afternoon.

The CBS downstairs is open until 8.

It's not 10 in Hawaii yet, is it?

Look at the sun that started playing when we're calling Hawaii.

Yeah, I know, right?

right again this releases the interview online but you gotta pay six dollars to watch it i think

the whole thing's a boy i got a feeling what are you feeling like we're not getting anything here

all right i don't know why i did that i left you guys a voicemail a voice number to call because

this is the guy and it would meet like i would fucking prank the shit out of him if i could

but he knows my voice so like just don't say anything you just call him and tell him it's

gloria the bad seriously don't like not that's bad let's be like we have gloria on the phone

and no seriously like guys don't do that she's gonna come and bomb your store yeah no no just

say like say like his ex-girlfriend or something i don't know whatever ex-girlfriend i know

everything about him which is scary are you the ex-girlfriend no but he did get like another

girl pregnant and then dumped her and he has a kid he's like 27 and like a couple states over

so he could totally say like his daughter died or something no why no and like she goes hard yeah

yeah you're bad gloria bad yeah no damn you on the nose with the newspaper

no all right no you guys don't mind i need to second a bird back everybody we're back hey how

you doing matt good you're in a good way i'm good all right buddy you know you're i'm sorry i yelled

year earlier and it really was kind of acting it's uh yeah i love you so much man i don't recall

you're my bud seriously dude you are my friend i love you a lot it's total bullshit you're busted

matt you're busted man how dare you all right listen i promised a 24-hour walgreens and i

deliver be quiet what am i busted for bullshit i don't know i was just i was just giving our

I'm on a hard time because I love you, man.

All of my shit's out in the oven now.

I hope they never know.

You might like to know it's not too late to get your flu shot.

With most insurances, there's no cost to you.

Walk in any time.

No appointment necessary.

Here's the main menu.

To order prescription refills, press 1 or say refill.

To check if your prescription is ready, press 2 or say start.

1.

Operator.

Let me see if I can get someone on the line to help.

one moment while i connect you to someone who can help you please remain on the line to speak

with a member of our staff can't even play music stupid walgreens right i think they are

hey boy how you doing i'm doing good look at that we're in the store and the call center

this is the store time he's open until like 24 hours tonight too right yeah

what kind of woman's perfume you got there i gotta get a gift for my i'm looking

Looking for one called Euphoria by Calvin Clams?

Yeah, I think we have it.

Go look and find out.

I'm going to have to put you on hold, yo.

We got mad lines out here.

Yo, son, you ain't got a cordless phone?

What's up?

You got a cordless phone?

Well, I ain't hear what you said.

You said what?

You got a cordless phone you can take with you?

Nah, nah, nah.

Son, none of those phones are cordless.

You going to call your celly?

Nah, man.

I'll be right back, man, dude.

Let me find out for you.

I'm going to call Cosmetics right now.

We got somebody in there, and I'm going to find out.

You said, what is your call?

Euphoria?

And then look for a horsey cat

Alright, give me one second

Dude, talk to the manager

I like he said for real, yo

For real, there's mad lines out behind

We got man lines out here, yo

Should we bother even waiting for this shit?

So my question is

If there's obviously a market to stay open

We can obviously see Wolverine's is packed right now

Why wouldn't grocery stores just do it?

Dude, fucking L.A. Fitness closed at 2pm today

My dad nearly threw a fucking fit, you know

Four hours like do they even need clerks at fitness places? I don't even know

It's yeah, it's what you're saying the wind that they keeping the low paid

employees there 24 hours versus

The place did you throw a dumbbell?

What is your shit do it 24 hour fitness no la fitness la what does he do that's for facts

i don't know my dad just tries to get in shape like we're trying to we've lost a lot of weight

we've lost like uh 100 pounds between but he's not like a big muscly dude throwing dumbbells

no he just tries to run i mean this is cardio cardio yeah does he follow the speed limits

i feel i feel less threatened by him now now that i gym in a gym in a school zone um no it's in

it's near a mall my dad's really sweet my dad's like really quiet he's just he's out of work now

so we just i don't know yeah hello hey what's up boy yeah my name is james though my boy okay buddy

what you got yeah so like uh we got euphoria but we don't got the other thing how much is that

euphoria shit motherfucker dude the boy he thought about the boy cover the whole time

All right, my name is Josh.

The whole time he went and checked, he thought about the first time he called him boy, and he let him.

Operator, operator, operator.

PCN Christmas Eve Show with Carlito & RBCP

Calls (44, 2 h 26 min of 4 h 56 min)

Transcript

Comments 0