The 2015 Madhouse Live Christmas Eve Special

Except for, like, Don the Bomb.

He's cool.

I'm in the streets listening to Madhouse Live.

I hope my speech can't compete with that bad mouth style that we get from...

That's my big amigo.

So just kick back to listen to this cat call.

People, when this show goes live, I be like, damn, this shit's bitchin'.

Stop whatever I'm doing to tune in and listen.

Catch me in the back of his home at Horse Machine Ranch Road.

I'm busting mad fat for the asshole banchos.

My spit crazy.

Shout out to Big Amy.

That's nice, honey, baby.

We kissin' pussy, some ladies touch your labia

It's crazy how the stuff that my bruh might say to ya

Fake the number one prank ass, stay back

If you can't handle all the straight laughs

Then we hand to your dome

And if you want, call the number

You can even be a guest on the show

From Madhouse Live

Punch in the face I ever got

Goddamn son!

Any of you are looking for any last minute gift ideas for me?

I have one

I like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here, tonight

I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber

over there on melody lane with all the other rich people and i want to brought right here with a big

ribbon on his head and i want to look him straight in the eye and i want to tell him what a cheap

lying no good rotten four flushing lowlife snake licking dirt eating inbred overstuffed ignorant

blood sucking dog kissing brainless dickless hopeless heartless fat ass bug-eyed stiff-legged

it's funny that worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is hallelujah holy shit ladies and gentlemen

this is the main event of the evening

hey everybody i'm carlito i'm here and carter i think is here please speak hi dear hey

Hey, he's here.

Milkman is here.

Good for you.

Yeah.

No one cares.

No one knows who you are, Milkman.

You see now.

That's right.

Who is that?

Like, friend of yours or something?

Oh, that's Matt Hillock.

You know Matt Hillock, don't you?

Yeah.

Hey, Matt.

How you doing?

I sound as drunk as I remember him.

We call him Milkman on this show.

I see.

Okay.

Oh, boy.

Well, it's good to be here with everybody.

Brad, my Christmas Eve buddy.

we always do these christmas eve shows we always have fun uh i had much fun last year did yeah you

were like in a sour mood last year or something yeah yeah the year before was kind of fun year

before was kind of i'm just kidding i think last year was okay i don't remember what we did last

year i don't know i kind of remember you being like like not being into it and i was like all

right i feel like i'm finishing you that's probably just on my period we had that big

blowout fight out there yeah um i'm still sad about the whole death box debacle yeah i mean

you had to take sides speaking of which i'm real upset that we were had we had i had the special

show for my birthday planned tonight and i just find out that old ass morgan is on the air doing

the same pranks that she always does for the last 20 years and i was like geez man that's fucked up

and i told everyone in the chat room that you know that's like fucking bullshit that you guys

don't get to hear a good carlito show and i left in a huff yeah that's how it is now i'm going to

to start my own network called uh prank call union cool yeah that's the union in the in the

something i i feel feel shitty about prank call onion prank call yeah you can only get it on the

tour makes me cry whenever i hear it man it's so fucking silly prank call you need tour to get to

it i guess um yeah so brad you got some customer numbers you got some gymnasiums yep not a whole

Hold on, I've got a few.

Okay, good, good.

Did you get that message I sent you also about the guys that did the Lunk Alarms changing?

Changing?

What?

Yeah.

What happened?

I sent you information, dude.

No, what happened?

What happened?

Give us a report.

This is a good deal.

Okay, so the Lunk Alarm guys are the 24 Hour.

Planet Fitness.

Those guys, yeah, they sold everything in Arizona and everybody got these new memberships

from L.A. Fitness now,

and there's no more 24-hour fitness there.

So I sent you that message.

I might be in Angleton to get in with them.

Planet Fitness in Arizona.

All of Arizona's 24 hours are now L.A.,

and they've got, like, complimentary, like, things in the mail

and just told me, you know, they don't know that one.

Oh, that sucks because I don't eat a free pizza at L.A. Fitness,

I don't think, once a month.

So that's bullshit.

I bet you were responsible somehow.

We stuck together.

Like, we're not comfortable with this

Uncle Arm prank thing.

We're moving on.

Go for Arizona.

Breaker, breaker.

I was getting customer numbers tonight,

and this one girl was talking to me at Planet Fitness,

and the girl in the background, she's like,

make sure it's not a prank call.

Oh, yeah.

Make sure it's not a prank call.

They are on guard.

That's a great vetting system right there.

Perfect one right there.

They're not too much on guard,

because i have some numbers here i don't remember if i got them from that

never failed hey look that's my boy if anyone's wondering what i just said about morgan it's a

joke i'm making fun of what happened last month with some other guy yeah we love mr smorgan i

think she should call in eventually yeah and i met she's all right let me see what i can't i don't

have my glasses on i i told her if she calls in she has to do a man voice because this is

boys only show that might be been only show i mean sorry yeah yeah i talked to uh so morgan's

throwing ken under the bus for it i guess and she sent me a message and blah blah no no ken told her

it was fine i know i'm kidding ken's trying to start shit with everyone yeah ken's maybe he's

been the guy behind all of this the whole time all this you know yeah probably every every bit

of drama that's happened over the past three years it's all been ken and you know pulling the

pulling the strings and stuff that explains a lot that's why ken took out a domain he just got

That kicked in the higher seats.

See, yeah, out of here.

Out of here.

What?

That crazy mop, that crazy mop-toting dude.

What's wrong with him?

Fucking mop rider.

I've got nipples on my titties.

He gets the end of my throat.

Oh, yeah, Bessie Smith, baby.

Yeah, you know Bessie Smith.

I've been meaning to play this for a while.

I love Bessie Smith.

She's got big nipples.

Let's get to some calls.

I got a lot of numbers from Parkman,

but we should call before they close up

the, um, fuckin', what's it called?

NORAD. Let's do that.

They close? I don't know.

Well, yeah, NORAD does, yeah, they have hours.

At some point, we're not protected.

No, I think the Santa line

closes at some point.

But I think we were calling it pretty late last year.

Remember we did the whole thing about throwing poop on

King Jumbo and all these things?

Thank you for calling the NORAD Track Santa Operations Center.

All of our Santa trackers are currently

on the line with other callers.

Please call back at a later time to reach

No, you gotta...

You gotta call this one a few times sometimes.

Thank you for calling the NORAD Track Santa Operation Center.

All of our Santa trackers are...

I'm assuming you're through.

Thank you for calling the Norad.

Milkman, I'm going to keep dialing that number until I get through

because they're all busy, so you might hear a hold.

Well, just hang on.

Yeah, it doesn't put you on.

He's not paying attention.

Norad sounds like a happy place.

Thank you for calling the Norad.

Here we go.

We got him.

Radars indicate Santa has launched off in the North Pole.

A NORAD Santa tracker will be with you in a moment.

You may want to visit us online for exciting Santa updates at www.NORADSanta.org.

Wow, the rollover line was full.

That's why we didn't get anybody.

Thank you for calling the NORAD Trek Santa hotline.

Radars indicate Santa has launched off from the North Pole.

A NORAD Santa tracker will be with you in a moment.

You may want to visit us online for exciting Santa updates at www.NORAD Trek Santa.

This is Darren McElphey.

Hey, boy, how you doing?

Well, yeah, I need to actually intercept Santa

because he's not going to be allowed to come to this fucking house this year.

I'll tell you that right now.

I want to make a report.

I want you to send it by telegram to Santa.

Oh, okay.

You should find out if it's illegal to shine lasers at Santa's sleigh.

Good ideas, good ideas.

I wonder if that's in the law books.

Thank you for calling the Nora Trek Santa hotline.

Radars indicate Santa has launched off from the North Pole.

A NORAD Santa tracker will be with you in a moment.

You may want to visit us online for exciting Santa updates at www.NORADSanta.org.

War my wiener, Milkman.

You've got to warn Santa that he has to register all of his drones.

Thank you for calling the NORAD tracker.

Well, I want to tell him not to come because my kid's been a little fucker tonight.

Yeah, make sure Santa registered as a drone also.

What did we do last year, Brad?

Remember we were saying, like, throw shit on King Kong?

It only cost $5.

I can't remember what we did.

Ask him to put your house on the do not visit list.

Thank you for calling the Norad Trek Santa hotline.

Yeah, you got restricted airspace over your house.

Those are our own Santa.

Give him a radio frequency.

He needs to call him before he makes an approach.

He may get shot down.

I don't know if you should say shotgun.

Is this real world?

This is real world.

Looking glass.

Someone had made for you, like, a little audio thing once, like, revisiting that.

I don't know if you remember that at all.

They had gone on Fiverr to get, like, a guy who imitates the voice from Call of Duty to say, you know, this is looking glass.

And if you remember, it had, like, really dramatic music on it.

It sounds familiar.

I don't know.

I don't remember things.

I'm old.

Dude, by the way, yesterday I was stuck in traffic because I live close to a mall.

So I was stuck trying to get home after work.

Radars indicate Santa has launched off from the North Pole.

And I got to hear, like, pretty much all of your show.

A Norad Santa tracker will be with you in a moment.

You may want to visit us online for exciting Santa updates at www.NoradSanta.org.

And you're saying, like, this isn't going well.

Like, the ones at work were funny, though.

Like, the one woman was like, I'm going right now.

Dressed home.

Hi, this is Santa Claus Fergal, Norad Trek Santa.

How can I help you?

Yeah, hi.

Yes, I need to make sure that Santa does not come to this house.

Well, I can't.

Well, I'll let you know right now.

I'm not responsible for what happens if he comes here.

Okay, well, I'm sure he'll be able to take care of it.

No, he won't be able to take care of it, fat fuck.

Man, they're not playing this year.

He'll kick your ass.

He's an American.

He'll be able to take care of it.

Santa will take care of it.

Thank you for calling the New Orleans Santa Operations Center.

Hey, Morgan's here.

Morgan, yay.

All of our Santa trackers are currently on the line with other callers.

We kicked you off.

Please call back at a later time to reach a live operator.

Remember that one time, Mr. Smorgan, you played a show?

Callers are restricted airspace out there.

There are no drones and no Santa.

There you go.

Brad's not ripping drones.

You know, the ones that are still...

Oh, I'm sorry.

That was the whole line.

I got, like, neighborhood watches out for people.

Yeah.

Brad, do one.

Tell Santa it's okay that I got a neighborhood watch.

Don't be a chicken or shit.

Are you getting on Tiny Chat, Carly Doe?

Thank you for calling to Norad.

I was planning on getting on Tiny Chat.

There's the Tiny Chat?

It's really small.

I love you, baby, honey, I'll make you cry.

This is Morgan's new song off her new album.

Now your nuts hang down like a damn bell clapper, and your...

That was from the 30s, in fact.

Your goddamn assholes have opened like a church door, and the crab won't spin like...

Thank you for calling the NORAD track...

Thank you for calling the NORAD...

Baby won't shave and dry

Thank you for calling the

A big dog gets fat

A big cone

And a pig gets fat

Thank you for calling the

You see this poor fat lack

I am glad God I got fat

Thank you for calling the

No rad track

Shave and dry

Good times

Thank you for calling the

No rad track Santa operation

What are you supposed to shave?

Give it a few more pops and we'll let it go for a while.

Alright Brad, you're up for this one.

Thank you for calling the NORAD Track Santa Hotline.

Radars indicate Santa has launched off from the Norris Pole.

A NORAD Santa Tracker will be with you in a moment.

You may want to visit us online for exciting Santa updates at www.NoradSanta.org.

Do they really have to say the WWW in 2015?

Right.

Can't we just say W's at least now?

I've been pushing for that for a while.

Thank you for calling the Norad Trek Santa hotline.

This is WWW's...

Hey there, I just need to know

the current location of Santa.

No, that's bullshit.

Because someone dumped

like a big thing of urine on top of our house.

And we saw it.

We saw it happen and it was Santa.

Where are you calling from?

I'm in Indiana.

Yeah, Bloomington, Indiana.

And he was right above our house.

So your tracking thing is wrong.

It's bullshit.

shit oh it could be and he you never know but we're right on our house so who do i call to

take care of that like who who's in charge like who pays for this damn they're not playing this

year yeah yeah ever since the incident it's been getting worse i think it's been getting more

publicized that the line exists they're probably getting more prankers operation they're probably

all pcn fans let my banana now hey let's break the thank you for calling me they're probably all

saying this is looking glass man let my banana score now thank you for calling the norad track

thank you for calling the norad i was saying you know how www that i mean thank you for calling the

norad track it makes a small thing of just three letters into like a whole bunch of syllables like

it's makes it it's not convenient at all you're better off saying world wide web dot com you know

world wide web dot madhouse live.com takes less to say that you're calling it i'm gonna start

saying that on my show worldwide visit us at world wide web dot phone losers.org i think that's

for calling the norad i do like your idea w's.filmwizards.org yeah thank you for calling

i heard that on an old it was like a rap song that was on napster i got once it was like yo

dub used up blackstone

yeah that's some cool way to say w's but that never took off but i like that we got to bring

Bring it back.

Just don't say it.

Why?

Why WWW?

Thank you for calling the NORAD track.

It's explicit, right?

What's that?

It's explicit that you're going to do WWW unless you say give a subdomain out.

You didn't type WWW anymore.

Old people do.

Why was that ever a thing?

Old people.

Do you have to type WWW?

Yes.

Didn't you used to have to type in the HTTP thing, the browser bar?

A long time ago, like in the Netscape days, bro.

Yeah, I need to know exactly what the rules are for Santa's reindeer when they defecate.

Because as far as I understand, they're supposed to only do that three miles out off the coast,

according to FAA regulations.

They're only supposed to do what?

As far as I know, airplanes are only supposed to release the feces and urine off of the tanks

when they're at least three miles or further out from shore.

Where does it go, in their asshole?

No, it goes in a baggie that they're flying with.

Okay, well then how come I found like this?

Well, that explains why I got a big bag of shit on top of my house this morning.

I'm in Newfoundland, so I'm like, we're probably on its first stop.

And you can't tell me that this is an American line only because it's North American radar defense

and there's an agreement between Canada and the United States, between our two countries.

That's why you guys put up all your detecting stuff up here.

So don't give me that.

I have a right to call.

Telling you all the answers.

Okay, well, I need to file a report, please.

You know, I think I'd call Santa in the North Pole to do that.

Oh, go ahead and transfer.

Well, he's in the air right now.

Yeah, so you might have to wait till tomorrow.

Well, he needs to come back and get this shit off the top of my fucking house.

Hey, so since when do they let women work in the military?

Sorry, Morgan, I know you're a woman.

Oh, this is Morgan.

I'm sorry you're a woman, Morgan.

That's not what I meant.

You want to talk to Norad or you don't care for that, Morgan?

You're not real to Norad, are you?

No, Norad's not my style.

I don't think so.

Brad, you explicitly said I'm not allowed to put Norad on alert this year.

Well, it's your phone line this time.

The thing that sucked when you did that

It was on my skype line

I got really scared

I told my wife

I might have

Told Norad we're getting a text

Like what?

Why would you do that?

It's a Santa line

I don't care

You don't call Norad

I was surprised she even knew what Norad was

Maybe we'll call him later

We'll call him later.

We'll come up with more ideas.

Shall we do customer numbers?

Let's hit up these parkman numbers.

We got stuff for sale.

These are in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

A redneck picked up when he was confirmed.

Yeah, these are confirmed also.

He's selling a crossbow.

Okay.

All right.

Crossbow.

All right.

Hey, here's Dwight, the guy that ruined their Christmas for Morgan.

I don't think he's mic'd up yet.

How you doing, motherfuckers?

Hey, motherfuckers.

We're buying a crossbow.

I'll be your mom.

Merry Christmas.

Hello?

Yeah, hey, you got that crossbow.

It's pretty good.

Yeah? What do you mean? I'm asking if you has it.

What now?

You has a crossbow?

No.

You don't have a crossbow for sale?

Just got rid of it.

You motherfucker, you.

Yeah, somebody just tried me out of it.

Yeah, well, you're a fucking asshole.

Oh, too bad.

Yeah, I wanted that shit.

What else you got there I can take?

Told him.

There's not much you can do with that, right?

Let me tell you this whole time again.

Hey, Arminus.

That's what I hear.

Very good.

Congratulations.

You found it, by the way.

Y'all do.

Oh, wait.

I'm sorry.

I have an 18-inch strap on.

Oh, okay.

Good enough.

That's sweet of you.

Give me a minute, please.

I want my weed on.

Oh, I want my weed on.

Hello.

Hey, buddy.

Hi.

Hello, sir.

Sir, I'm sorry I said that bad word to you.

Please.

Angry, honey.

Yeah, Merry fucking Christmas from the East Coast, you son of a bitch.

Yeah, you got a hoodie?

Hoodies and jackets?

What kind of brand are they?

It's in the paper, dude.

It doesn't say the brand.

Oh, it does.

Yeah, Genco, Aeropostale.

What size are they?

They got small to extra large.

Yeah?

Yep.

Do they have any stains?

What's that?

Do they have any stains?

No, I don't sell junk.

Well, it looks like shit to me what you got on here.

That's why I'm asking if they have stains or not.

It looks like white trash kind of clothing stuff.

Well, no, that's your wife.

My wife is white trash clothing.

I've got your wife bent over this motherfucking counter right now.

Up the ass right now.

Up the ass.

No!

Not only that, but your mom.

Your mom needs to douche.

Oh, I got your sister here.

Sister?

I have her sister here, though.

She's here.

Yeah, that's right.

Have your mom duched?

No, remember when you tried to fuck me in the ass and your little one-inch dick couldn't fit?

Remember, we tried that.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it didn't work.

When you have a trash can pussy like you've got.

Now he remembers.

It's something people like him usually try to forget, but it's understandable.

Slugger.

Sounds like you've got a dick in your throat right now.

No, it's just Dwight.

He talks like a dick.

Oh, yeah, no, that's me.

Yeah, you're mistaken.

mistaken but anyway yeah if you'd like to uh come out and have your wife lick my ass uh come on out

no no sir i'll be the one doing the ass licking you need to get that straight yeah my brother

ken our brother ken can i lick your ass too of course milkman what are you gonna do hey i can't

wait are you into strap-ons at all sir it's your address what i plan on doing sir is i'm gonna get

a couple eggs and i'm gonna beat it no sure you shut the fuck up while i'm talking i'm gonna beat

eat them nicely. I'm going to take some nice

slices of bread, put it in your asshole.

I'm going to, you know, coat them in eggs.

I'm going to make some French toast between your cheeks

and then I'm going to fucking eat it.

That sounds yummy, but hey, listen,

I'm fucking your mom right now.

You have to call me back.

She's old. She's dead. Why would you say that?

It's all wrinkly.

That's what you're talking about.

Hey, Carlito.

The number I just put into the Skype

there i get a random call into my incoming skype number today yeah and this lady was looking for

someone named mac and she's like mac and i just kept going what and like i just kept saying what

over and over she's like what me oh and i was like listen you fucking bitch don't you fucking

talk to me like that and she started fucking aping out and shit she went crazy and like

threatened to murder me and stuff when you say aping out are you kind of implying that she was

was um that's racist no no i'm telling you she was black okay okay that's what i thought hello

yeah hey have you heard from mac hi have you heard from mac mac yeah yeah did you hear this

oh well mac he stole money from me so i'm gonna kick his fucking black ass all right who are you

talking about mac it's to max i don't know which one are you talking about uh the mac that lives

at this number well you can't be talking about this number because this is my son number and

And he's only six years old.

Yeah, well, he's a fucking asshole.

Okay, well, I don't know who you're talking about.

This is my six-year-old son's number.

Yeah, well, fuck him, too.

Bitch, you got the game fucked up.

And your best friend's not going to call back his motherfucking number, you bitch-ass nigga.

Don't say no fuck to my son, none, bitch.

I'll fuck your son.

So do you want a prop?

Yeah.

I can get you that.

Let's go.

Let's go right now.

Let's go to Walmart, bitch.

Bring your son.

I'll kick his ass after I'm done with you.

Bitch, I will fuck you over and kill you.

Whatever.

You know, you people, by the time you're five, you're violent and dangerous.

Yeah, you guys are like snakes

Yeah,

is a six-year-old son.

Yeah, well, you guys are born poisonous like snakes.

So that's why your culture is.

I told you she was fucking insane.

She was golden.

That's the same shit she did when she just randomly called my fucking Skype number.

She's definitely a hairhugger.

Yeah, I called her name, Jemima.

I named Jemima motherfucker, and she started flipping.

Who called Milkman?

The son got the Obama phone.

what's worse doing the norad thing or threatening a six-year-old you're right who cares i'm retiring

anyway what kind of six-year-old has a cell phone i think it's hilarious carlito yeah what kind of

six-year-old has a cell phone but i think what's on milkman said to get the obama phone

the person you called has a voicemail box that has not been set up

they're just training him early to be like a drug dealer or something six-year-old black

I could probably kill you.

A drug runner.

A mule.

He don't, he know don't even pull up like that.

Give me the weight.

Alright, Morgan.

What, you bitch?

Hey, what kind of hair hat do you got on today?

You got 100% Brazilian yaki in the hair today?

No, bitch, because I wear regular hair.

I wear my real hair.

You wear regular hair, as in a regular white person's hair, not your own nappy hair, right?

No, my own hair.

Sorry, I don't have nappy hair, bitch.

I don't believe you.

That's disgusting.

I don't have nappy hair.

I'm sorry.

You don't have good hair.

You're black.

Of course you have nappy hair.

You don't have good hair.

Whoever this is,

quit calling my motherfucking son's phone.

Why does your motherfucking son

have a cell phone?

I will fuck you over.

So don't call this motherfucker's phone.

You and your big-ass boyfriend.

Why does your son have a phone, bitch?

Because y'all nothing but white-ass people.

Get the fuck off my line.

Thank you.

Have a blessed day.

Our line now?

Not your son's anymore.

I like how she added that.

Have a blessed day.

Yeah, thank you and have a blessed day.

Oh, thanks.

After she threatened to kill you.

Yeah.

yeah it was just the most random person like when she called my line i'm like i'm like this is

i was like that's weird so i just answered him like what and she's like it's so so now i'm like

what and like i just kept doing that to her over and over and she's like don't want me

motherfucker and started flipping out i was like okay we can do this you're the type of person i

like to talk to so let's do it why is she answering her son's phone yeah like this phone

Tell her to stop being such a goddamn helicopter parent.

Damn, seriously.

Let that six-year-old live his life.

He's probably selling drugs.

My kid who's about to fucking turn 15 is still begging for a phone.

I'm like, no, no, it's not going to happen.

This bitch is giving a six-year-old a phone?

Get the fuck out of here.

I should put him out there to make money.

Here's a phone, Tyrell.

Called her back on accident.

What are you, fuck-ass bitch?

Listen, is this the six-year-old that sells rock?

Bitch, I'm telling you, this is a six-year-old phone.

Yeah, listen, he's selling rock, and I need to get some.

Listen, bitch, he's selling rock, and I need to get some.

Hey, how much is the fucking eight ball?

Yeah, we want an eight ball.

God damn, all I can hear is your gums.

Don't call my phone no more.

This is a six-year-old boy's phone.

Why does your six-year-old son have a fucking phone?

Is it your phone or his phone?

That mean y'all have the wrong number

And whoever y'all fucking with

Listen bitch

Is your son named Ash

Cause he's a fucking

He's a muggle

He's a first time listener

Thank you hun

God bless y'all

And have a Merry Christmas

Fuck you God bless y'all

And police not die

And whatever else y'all wanna go with

Have a blessed day

Okay thank you hun

Hey good luck with your

Learning to speak English bitch

Maybe 2016 will be the year for you

Maybe

I know I speak English very fine

My English is very fine

Okay, I'm waiting. Go ahead. Explain that to me. Explain it.

And why does your six-year-old little Negro boy have a cell phone?

Why are you on his phone? Get off his phone.

Which one do y'all want?

All right, go ahead. Talk.

I'm going to shut up.

Okay, explain. Go ahead.

I'm telling y'all, I'm telling y'all, no boy phone.

We're asking why.

Why don't you get off of it, then?

Don't have nothing to do with us.

Get off his phone.

Get out of the fuck, bitch.

Get out of your boy's business.

He's probably trying to get pussy.

No, you're not fucking up his life, man.

Stop screaming at his phone.

So let's talk to him, then.

How's he going to get pussy if you're screaming at his phone?

Bitch, bye.

Good day.

What are you, his goddamn secretary?

Y'all have the same question.

Good day.

I'm not going to go there with y'all.

Y'all some punk bitches anyway.

All right, good point.

Oh, my God.

Y'all some punk bitches.

Bitches, are we? I'm sorry, I missed that.

Pong bitches.

Pong bitches, okay. Sorry.

God, Brad, get with it.

I know, I know.

It's amazing how often black people, when they get angry at white people, call them the N-word.

Hello?

She just hung up now.

She was still on the line?

I called her back.

Oh, shit, sorry.

Let's just do nothing for the rest of the show except call her.

Let's do it.

Let's try to talk to her son at some point.

Who calls a six-year-old, like, like a school friend?

Where do you guys going?

Can we talk to your six-year-old son?

I'm talking to you guys.

But you guys are so disrespectful.

We were supposed to buy weed from him, and he kind of.

We were supposed to buy weed from him.

You guys are disrespectful.

Well, we were supposed to buy weed from him, and he's kind of been ducking us.

No, you guys are disrespectful.

So he is selling weed.

And I don't want to talk to no one who's disrespectful.

I'm not disrespectful.

special so like i'm telling you guys like you guys have the wrong number and you guys are

talking shit to me oh you're drunk aren't you no i'm not yeah we want to talk shit to your

six-year-old son if you'll put him on the phone i'm trying to tell you how many how many fathers

this is my son's phone and he's only six years old and you guys are calling ma'am i don't mean

to interrupt you but you sound like you're on the ebt high do you need to calm the fuck down

No, sweetheart.

I'm 18.

Excuse me?

You're 18 and you have a six-year-old?

I make $22 an hour.

Oh, wow.

I'm not no one.

That's who you're seeing.

Them crack wages is fucking sore.

$22 an hour?

You just said you're not no one?

That's a double negative, you know.

Pretty cheap pussy.

You just said you're not no one.

That's a double negative.

It's incorrect.

No, I never said I'm not no one.

No, because maybe I am someone.

We have a recording of it.

All the way.

Anyway, so I'm trying to get you to understand that you guys are calling a six-year-old child's phone.

I know.

My son is on a six-year-old.

We're having an issue with a six-year-old having a phone in the first place.

Why is Obama supplying six-year-old's telephones?

Wait, wait, wait.

Where is your son at that you need to have a phone to contact him?

Why would he ever be far away from you?

My son wants a phone because he's spoiled and he can have it.

And that's what comes along with

Working hard

When you work hard

Your son can have whatever he wants

Where does he work at?

The bodega, the conestow

Where does he work at?

I work at Cedars Sinai

You work at a hospital

No honey

The only way that you would be working at a hospital

Is as like a medical testing like patient

No baby it's called

Oh that's like the worst of it

It's called the RN

You clean assholes and wipe up vomit all day.

Excuse me, Mr. Cross.

Did she say RN, registered Negro?

I bet she couldn't even spell RN.

Do you have a degree?

Yeah, I do.

Do you have a degree?

I do.

It's called life privilege.

No, y'all don't have a degree.

Hey, are you one of the medical testing monkeys?

Listen, bitch.

Are you one of the medical testing monkeys in the lab?

Listen, bitch, I got a degree.

I went to education and connection.

And I'm getting my degree on my own time.

have a nice day. God bless you.

This seems racist, you guys.

Just a little bit.

She's not being racist at all.

That's good white people. It's all in love.

It's true.

I'm part black, so that's

it all. It's fine. I am.

But Canadian black isn't the same.

I'm not Canadian black.

They don't have black people in Canadian. Black black?

No, they don't. Not very many.

Black black?

Black black.

My mom would say that. Is she black?

i was dating a black girl once she's like is she black black like yeah mom she's black black

oh my god like okay oh she's like i'm an r.i.d i'm like registered negro there's no way that

she's a registered nurse oh god you mentioned if like she came in to change her bandages and

she was just talking shit like that she's an r.n.a she left a letter out i think i like that

registered negro um all right let's call track santa norad again let's see what's up is that

the only track satin number is there other ones i don't know i think it's the only one

i think i just yeah the other one accident again whoops synergy man damn synergy

cocksucker do you still use synergy like when you're doing shows or just in general

oh yeah yeah all the time i do it constantly i never have pause with it until i'm doing a show

like around the beginning hour i have to restart it once it just the copy paste goes away and if

If I restart it once, it doesn't do it again.

It crashes, like, once a day for me.

But I just, like, you know, yeah.

Thank you for calling the NORAD TrackSana Operations Center.

All of our Santa trackers are currently on.

All you got to do is restart.

I haven't updated it in a while because, like,

one of the recent updates within the last year,

it was using up a lot of bandwidth on my LAN.

I don't know why.

You know, ever since I upgraded both of my computers to Windows 10,

the shift key doesn't work anymore

oh yeah, you know I had that problem

there was a Windows

I think there was like a Windows 8 update once

that broke it for me

well it's just Windows 10 for me

every time I need to hit the shift key

I have to go to the real keyboard

see, I upgraded Synergy once

and it fixed that issue

it was like a really known issue out there

yeah, I've never upgraded Synergy

I should probably do that

Yeah, if you do that, it'll probably work.

Because, yeah, I had that problem for the longest.

A lot of people were reporting it.

A lot of people were like, this is bullshit.

Thank you for calling the NORAD Tech Santa hotline.

Radars indicate Santa has launched off from the North Pole.

A NORAD Santa tracker will be with you in a moment.

You may want to visit us online for exciting Santa updates at www.NORADSanta.org.

I'll take it.

Okay.

Remember, you're calling the government.

Thank you for calling the Noratrack Santa hotline.

Radars indicate Santa has launched up.

Hello, Noratrack Santa.

This is Vicki.

How may I help you?

How you doing, Vicki?

I need to know the actual location of Santa.

Santa, right now, he just left Carmen, Mexico.

He's on his way to New Orleans, Louisiana.

Santa, he'll be there in one minute, 21 seconds.

Okay, you're sure exactly?

Exactly.

okay because i'm over here in los angeles and there is a uh a man dressed as santa who landed

on the roof of our house uh came inside and he has my six-year-old sitting on his lap and he's

making jokes about coming to the toy chest so is this the real santa or is this a fake santa

one of his helpers that's not the real santa he's on his way he'll be there in three hours

Okay, can you explain why the helper Santa would have a 6-inch boner?

He's so busy.

You want to know how many gifts he's already delivered?

How many gifts has he delivered?

That's a lot.

How many helper boners have been delivered?

helpers 13 000 helper boners yep oh my god jesus holy shit did he employ people from jail yes he

does oh my god is any of them named leroy i know there would be more than six inches though leroy

would have probably a 13 incher no he only has an eight incher an eight incher have you met him

nope haven't met him did you sit on his lap and go oh leroy leroy you have a good night

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas to you and happy tigs.

That lady was awesome.

He got six. He's a white boy. Here's a mobile gas. Hello, Bhenchod, how are you? Yeah, hello,

Bhenchod, how are you? Oh, my name is Teddy. Teddy. Yes, I'm calling to make an order. I call for

order one gas. Hello? Hello? Yeah, hello, Bhenchod, I call to order one gas. Yes, Bhenchod, tell me

what to do

yeah

we'll bring your sister first

is how we do it

have sister come

good good banchat

daddy ban

come first

come front

and you kiss

and kiss and touch her

first

and you take off

her pants and her panties

that never gets old

I'm sure

I'm sure it does get old

for a lot of people

ah fuck them though

yeah fuck them

as long as we think

it's funny

who cares

yeah

must be a gone dude

there mano

he knew from when

I first said banchat

I was like

ah

motherfucker

those banchat

i think at first i think it's like a friend joking around with them i wonder if like that's a big

thing i called my friend calling a bunch of maybe not um who's next who's next who's next let's see

here uh does anyone want to call norad before i step out and do another kind of thing here anyone

norad any press what are you stepping out to do no to get another different number step away from

that i mean i'm getting drunk just a different number i thought it was some kind of code for

cocaine or something no no no no none of that no okay sorry to make that assumption no i'll just

drink now um someone is selling a horse stool uh a nice girl wished me a merry christmas or

brad how about the customer numbers let's do those yeah sure um portrait studio or gym i'm

feeling gym we got ken here we could do some gym okay i got plenty to go around let's do it

we can even let mr smorgasbord what are you trying to say i do men named jim

i'm just thinking atlas that's all i'm thinking you're here we ought to call that bitch back

she didn't answer on pranksgiving you got her number call her yeah i got it um did uh you guys

give an update on uh the amount raised for pranksgiving 620 i think it was yeah i had 608

but it may have went up yeah maybe not i don't know it was 600 ish that's 100 something so that's

pretty awesome bigger than more than last year thanks everybody too by the way g had uh sent me

a a picture of some of the stuff he got and uh it's quite a bit of stuff and it's uh essential

stuff it was um mostly food food and oh really diapers and you know some toys and stuff here

and there but it was mostly essential stuff and last year it was just like nothing but like he

got tablets and he got some john cena wrestling toy headphones yeah yeah it was nothing but uh

toys, but this year it was

essential stuff.

Like a couple big things

of diapers and

different food items.

Different stuff like that.

And then you gotta throw them away after once.

It's not like condoms I can keep using.

He probably just took a picture of stuff his wife got

shopping that day and pocketed the money.

Hey, whatever, man.

Good for him, though, you know?

Make a little bit of extra cash on the side.

Nothing wrong with that.

I keep all the money myself.

so i shouldn't say that that's horrible i keep all the patreon so i i private message you those

some of the chip numbers your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system

nine zero in this chat if you want yeah yeah milkman you still with us you okay man are you

you're at the doctor are you feeling okay how's your pp milkman he's got his he mute so he doesn't

interrupt he's been sick and coughing poor guy he went to go apply his pp medicine oh that sounds

sounds painful i don't know if you listen to the last couple shows i did carlito uh but we called

this ab workout machine place and place orders and they always try to upsell you on uh different

devices to go with it like a mat to go under it yeah and then they uh try to sell you on these

basically nutrition pills for a dollar and so i always tell them i'm like yeah um yeah let's go

ahead and do those but can i get the ones you take orally i don't want to do the ones rectally

like oh we'll make sure to get you the ones you do orally they'll say whatever man to get you to

fucking buy shit oh i i always get them to give me everything and then at the end i started open

they're like it didn't get approved i'm like you know what that one dollar for those vitamin pills

you might want to take that off i think that pushed me over the limit no shit make them remove

it one by one start it all over again from the beginning yeah i'm like uh okay take the pills

off they're like no it's not working all right all right take the uh the mat and the extras off

no no it's still not working okay take the workout machine off and run it then and let's

see where we're at it's like well it's at zero i could probably afford that yeah go ahead and run

that like really sir really um yeah it sounds like a thing i did once where i had like i ordered the

entire menu off of this place and then started slowly taking stuff off it got her to get me

total and i started slowly taking stuff off like are you kidding me i vaguely remember the manager

getting on and giving me a hard time about it i think i remember that one that was great all right

this is uh daryl massey why did i give out his last name fuck stupid good job what's his address

that's m-a-s-s-e-e everyone daryl massey to the tone god my numbers suck pick up pick up pick up

Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, Harry, pick up.

I don't like the way that message, hello, he's being all sexual, he's exploiting me and shit.

Fuck that.

That's a robot voice.

Did anyone want to do this?

I didn't even have a plan for that.

Yeah, I'll do the next one if they answer.

This is Winton?

Winton.

Winton?

Yeah.

I was going to say the last name of him.

It's a funny one.

The person you have dialed can't take your call right now.

Why, is he a real motherfucker?

fucker here's everett you know i think my favorite like 24-hour fitness ones that you did brad were

like in koreatown somewhere you know what i'm talking about i had a woman woman you said had

weed in her pocket and shit oh yeah that lady she was great like no and then there was the other

late the other guy about chewing alcohol hello hello is this everett who's this oh this is dwight

from planet fitness hey dwight how are you good good how you doing tonight good good how can i

help you uh well i'm gonna go ahead and explain a few uh things but i wanted to wish you a uh

merry christmas eve uh just before we move into the uh christmas uh we had a little situation

down here at the planet fitness and your name came up it's it's rather uh sensitive are you

alone currently where we could speak candidly uh situation i don't i don't get this okay well i

I didn't want to discuss it with other people around, but listen, another club member has brought your name up in a sexual assault claim in the locker room.

they brought a claim to us here at the front uh and to the management that he was in uh using the

shower facilities and you came in behind him uh and reached around grasped his male member

and started tugging on and yelled merry christmas and a happy new year and ran away

when's the last time you used the shower facility or step foot in the shower facility

i didn't use this shower you've never used it no why well this is where the gentleman claimed that

this happened out and i left use the massage to ask people well you know he said when he you know

when he was in the locker room you were making advances to him and you asked him if he wanted

to use the massage chair and you were naked with a an erection and gesturing for him to sit down on

on your lap joke no sir this is absolutely not a joke this is very serious manner i'm sorry

not manner okay so i want to know what would possess you to do this and then we need to come

up with a solution regarding your membership his membership there's there's got to be something we

got to work something out individual today or tonight so it's kind of weird that you would

contact me so you did not sit sit down with an erect penis and offer a seat to a young man

to sit on your lap that is that and when he rejected your advances and used the showers

you ran in there and uh basically basically what he's saying is you jerked him off in the shower

who's what's your name my name is dwight what's your last name dwight mcclanahan okay and what

What is your position in fitness?

I'm a front desk personnel.

Okay.

And.

I'm not a manager of any sort.

Okay.

I mean.

Well, this is a disturbing manner.

I mean, the member was asking me to call the police.

And I told him, I think that's drastic.

I think we should call him.

And I think, you know, maybe we should get the other side of the story.

And see what we can do from there.

And he agreed to let me try to handle it tonight.

I don't.

I wasn't even.

been if anything i use sink to wash my hand the urinals urinate any any time are you naked

in the locker room i dressed up and i left the locker room and that's that i went to the front

desk to ask tokens and use the massage chair i even have photos of that so so sir i don't i don't

want to see these photos are they graphic in nature no no what are you talking about graphic

here it's just me using the massage chair right but the the complainant said that you asked him

to sit on your massage chair i didn't i didn't talk to anyone in the gym except the front desk

people okay i spoke to one filipino gentleman asking for token that's the only person i spoke

with i didn't speak to anyone else okay do you mind if i put you on hold i need to speak to my

manager and uh i think they're going to want to speak to you also uh but i do need to fill them

them in real quick on your side of the story uh before they talk to you you just give me a minute

i'm gonna talk to my manager yeah cross hello hey cross listen uh i got everett on the line

the gentleman we were talking about earlier oh yeah the pervert yeah um he claims that he never

jerked anybody off in the shower uh he also said that he didn't use the term massage chair when he

tried to get the man to sit on his erect penis um but he never denied the fact that he had

an erect penis uh in the locker room well yeah he comes i mean he's we have constant complaints

about him using the massage chair masturbating on the massage chair yeah i mean he's denying

it he says he has he has pictures which i find disturbing well you might have to use as evidence

well phones are banned in planet fitness that's one of the big rules here um put them on i'll

i'll take care of this fucking asshole right now because i'm tired of these fucking fucking

perverts these fags coming here doing all this fucking gay shit here so is he on the line now

i hope he's not on the line well he's on hold all right yeah because we've been drinking having our

holiday party here you're welcome are you gonna come back here and drink with us yeah well i'm

gonna i'm gonna come back there i just had to make a run and get some more vodka oh cool cool

cool that's right let me let me talk to this asshole and i'll patch him into you yeah yeah

Mr. Everett? Hello, sir?

yes uh i've got my manager mr

cross on the line and uh he'll be willing to speak to you about the event and uh hopefully

Hopefully we can get this straightened out.

Yeah, go ahead, sir.

Hi, this is Everett.

Oh, Everett, hi.

Yeah, this is Cross.

I'm the manager here at Planet Fitness.

I understand we've been having trouble with you being a pervert.

You know what?

What's your first name and last name?

My name is Cross.

Cross.

Okay, I've never met you at the gym.

Well, I'm the manager.

I'm usually in the office.

I'm in the office.

I'm actually, like, I'm not in shape.

I just do the management side of things.

The healthier guys and girls, they work the gym.

and because I'm obese, it'd be pretty bad if I was in the front.

You know, I'd be like, who the fuck is this guy?

So I'm usually in the back, in the office.

Okay, so what's your callback number?

The main number for Planet Fitness.

Do you want me to give that to you?

I mean, if you don't have the number, it should come up in your ID.

I'm calling from the office right now.

Yeah, yeah, no, I mean, unless you spoof the number.

I'm sorry?

Unless you spoof the number, I mean, the gym should be closed by now.

Shouldn't it be?

We're a 24-hour gym.

No, it's closed.

No, we're open.

Who is it?

Well, we're having our holiday party, so.

Some of the regulars are still in here working out.

Cross.

All right.

And the other guy is Dwight.

That's my, yeah, he's my trainer.

All right.

So, you know what?

Let me call you guys back on Monday, all right?

No, this is to be resolved now.

We're going to cancel your membership.

Are you a black card member, sir?

Yeah, you know what?

Go cancel it, because I don't appreciate you calling me during Christmas Eve and telling me some...

Well, it doesn't say here that we can't call you.

You gave us your number.

You gave us permission to call you.

It doesn't matter what day it is.

You gave us permission to call you.

I don't know if that was...

You know what? I will talk to you guys on Monday.

You will not talk to us on Monday. You do not come here. You do not call here. You're a pervert.

You probably have some type of STD. We don't want you here anymore.

more you've had semen all over the walls here in the locker rooms and in the bathrooms i mean you're

welcome to come here and you're gonna have to submit to a test hey cross can you can you tack

on a stupid asshole fee for that guy you got it right here yeah just put it on good asshole gay

engage yep did it done printing okay sir don't come back here again because you're a pervert

okay whatever i'm charging your i'm gonna charge your card on file right now as a matter of fact

right now. $325. Do you authorize

that? Yeah, whatever, man. Alright, here we

go. Charge is going through.

Approved. Alright.

Did you need your confirmation number?

Yeah, just give it to me then. Yeah, why don't you get

it out of your asshole? Okay.

Who is this? My name's Cross.

I'm the drunk manager here at Planet Fitness.

I'm sure you're going to talk to someone on

You'll talk to me, asshole.

I'm the manager. I am talking to you.

Yeah, you will talk to me.

You're going to talk to me, motherfucker, because I'm the manager

you're here that's who you're gonna talk to motherfucker okay are you down there right now

yeah i'm down here right now you want to come here right now yeah i'm gonna come over there

right now come on motherfucker you hey i'm gonna come over what you're gonna do i'm gonna kick your

ass i'm gonna drop a dumbbell on your head i don't want to see this i want to see this happen

you're not gonna see you're gonna feel it all right i'm gonna welcome it yeah i feel it yeah

all right yeah okay fucking lunkhead motherfucker you and once he's done with he got me to deal

deal with. I'm the CEO of Planet Fitness.

Yeah, that's the CEO, motherfucker.

Alright. He's John Fitness.

Fucking wimps. Oh, we'll see who's the wimp.

Fucking wimps!

I think he's a lunk. He is a lunk.

He set up the lunk alarm all the time.

Only a lunk would say fucking wimps.

I was hoping you'd buy up the lunk alarm.

Yeah. I had to go take a piss

to have me say anything good.

He's gonna come down.

He's coming down, motherfucker!

I'm gonna drop a tumble on his head and he's got

bread to do it. Did you talk to him in the news?

The what?

Talking about Arizona.

Oh, shit.

Not Arizona.

Oh, shit.

He's not in Arizona, though.

Ken's not ready to hear that, I don't think.

No, no, no.

Don't tell Ken.

Scurred.

Yeah, it's...

Milkman found out that, I guess, Arizona, like, all the Planet Fitnesses broke off

and became LA Fitness.

They turned to the dark side.

So you might be able to use that on one of your things.

All those motherfuckers.

They went Darth Vader, huh?

Yeah, they totally went...

Yeah, I actually talked to one of the members from Arizona,

done and he told me he was telling me like they just got like uh i received like uh something in

the mail you know with their new membership and they kind of found out i was bought overnight

i also want to mention yeah i told you guys i spoiled star wars for you guys like over a year

ago when i told you who was gonna die the sloth the sloth was in there the night of in the rc

he's like this motherfucker dies this son of a bitch dies and i go uh i told him i just said

that everyone dies,

the movie sucked,

and that's how it ends.

I had Clay climb on my ass. He's like,

you fucking ruined it, man. I'm like, dude,

I said everyone dies. What the hell are you talking about?

That was a good movie, though. Come on.

You didn't see it.

Other news. Carlito and I are

going to the fucking championships in the

Fantasy Football Leagues this week.

I don't get how that's possible.

Is this in our private

league or in the fan league?

I'm going for the championship in the private league.

You are going for the championship in the fan league.

This is George.

Please leave me a message.

Thank you.

Oh, fuck the fan league.

I'm taking on Llama in the private league.

Oh, that guy.

Cool, man.

Wow.

Good luck.

You're taking on Llama?

Made it to the finals in our fan league?

No, in the private league.

In the private league, I mean?

God, man.

Well, yeah, you got to beat that guy.

I've already stomped him pretty good.

Yeah.

Good, good.

Stomp him.

Actually, that started tonight.

There's still a game tonight.

I should go check the fucking scores.

Oh, shit.

I didn't set my shit.

Here's Jose, because this last guy didn't pick up.

Jose.

Who wants Jose?

Anyone?

Planet Fitness, Jose.

I'll take it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, bro.

Josie.

I'll call him Josie.

Just for you.

Are you using their number?

Please leave your message for...

Yes, I am.

I got some more.

I got like...

Yeah.

10, 13 more.

Yep, let's do it.

I don't know if you guys know what I'm talking about,

out but me and matt started this hep chant clapping thing with indians and everyone at work

has been doing it because they heard the episodes real fun they're going to have to clap did you

hear that dwight or anyone like this indian guy's like i go he said he was walking to the police

station with us on the phone it's like give your man you do not hang please leave your message for

on matt's show uh it was one of my shows matt matt was on with me and then the guy's like

Like, I need to talk to police, please.

You're not at the police, you fucking idiot.

Shut up.

Apparently, tonight, Lama had Phillip Rivers in the game, who got 32 points, but he's projected

to lose 140 to my 154.

I don't know if Phillip Rivers is still playing or starting for any team.

Dude, I put in Doug Martin, and that motherfucker has just been ripping off all kinds of points,

even though he's on a shit team.

that and david johnson for arizona he fucking did almost 200 yards rushing the other like i think

last week oh yeah you were a witness to me going off on the whole giants game this last weekend

right yeah yeah when otto buckham jr lost his fucking mind fucking asshole and now he's suspended

for this week but man now that i think about it man fuck that shit you know like that fucking

norman guy was fucking with his head and he got what he deserved oh he's all pissy he's like

they were saying anti or uh was it anti uh gay slurs he's like what are you gay is that what's

getting at you or like he's all pissy because they found out or it is what it is and then he

said the bat they brought out the bat i mean i felt intimidated he calls himself batman or

something that fucking guy the jokester before christmas and all through the night wait hold it

That's played out.

Yeah, Brad, give me some more numbers.

I'm in the regular chat.

Okay.

Chat, chat, chat.

I got them all.

Here's Alan, who is up.

Oh, Brad is up.

I'll do it.

The subscriber you have dialed is not in service.

The number you dialed

Is not a working number

Before you guys went on tonight

I was like, it's Christmas

Who the fuck calling NORAD

If they're not going on

George is here

i hope smod is playing uh war games in the tiny chat right now all the norad stuff that's very

appropriate he wants us to try and start world war three you can have you can hear those missile

defensey kind of phones in the background when we call hello hi george yeah hey this is steven

from the uh planet fitness you were here earlier today yeah and did you happen to notice the uh

on the counter we had a

donation thing for the needy children

for Christmas? No, I didn't.

Because pretty much everyone donated to that,

but you didn't. So I just wanted to

kind of say, you know, it's kind of an asshole move.

It's for kids, you know, it's just

for kids. You know, just five bucks

is all you had to throw in there. It wouldn't be

a big deal, you know.

I just don't see why you couldn't just, you know, give a little bit.

I didn't have any cash on me.

That's not a very good excuse.

I'm just saying, you know, like, if you don't want to give

to children that needy children for christmas you don't have to but kind of makes you an asshole

you know all right okay i'm calling back fuck that guy he needs to give what are you doing

there morgan playing angry birds on the phone um i'm playing this like survival game oh we're

texting and i'm sexting breath and i keep telling her no no stop that's inappropriate please leave

I'll leave your message for...

Okay, here's Steven.

Some very Asian names.

I didn't know these guys were into the gym.

Yeah, hi, Steven.

Hurry up.

Yeah, Steven.

Oh, this is Eddie.

I work at Planet Fitness.

How are you?

I'm not good after reviewing the security tape for this week

and seeing what you did in the restroom.

What?

I'm not good after reviewing the...

Huh?

Well, I guess you were kind of like trying to come on

of some men or something like that come on what well we've been scrutinizing the security tape in

the restroom and locker room in the showers uh due to i guess the homosexual men uh looking for

like anonymous sexual encounters here no no no sir um so i'm sorry i've never i've never been

into the where were you you were using the machines i guess you were in in the air general

area well you you specifically well we've got you on camera specifically giving the code that i

I guess it's established here for people who are looking to give, like, oral and, like, manual sex, sexual favors.

You made a fist with your hand, and then you moved it up and down towards your crotch area, like, back and forth.

And you winked at a guy.

Well, we have you on camera doing that, sir.

I can show you now.

All right, I'm going to play.

All right, it starts here at 13 seconds in.

How am I going to see it?

Turn on your camera phone.

Well, turn on your viewer.

You don't have a viewer?

What a hobo.

Alright, I'll put you through to tech support then.

I guess I'll have to help you out if you're

not able to get it to work. Hang on, just a moment, please.

Hello, Brad? This is tech support.

Can I help you? Yeah, hey, I've got this asshole

customer on the line. He's one of the perverts that's been

trying to jerk off guys in the bathroom. Is that the one

from earlier today? Yeah, Steven Chow.

He's got the yellow Asian guy,

the chink. I don't want to talk to this guy.

I mean, it's kind of gross. Well, he needs to stop jerking off

in the bathroom, so this is your problem, not mine.

How is it my problem?

Because the fucking camera phone isn't working like always.

always oh all right here you go i'll talk to him hi steven thanks for holding i've got my

tech support agent brad online go ahead roy hi steven uh how can i help you you're trying to

get your video phone working i'm sorry what's that what was that i'm sorry steven hello are

you using the v90 compression algorithm or what kind of video phone do you have you don't have

a video phone in 2015 he was on he doesn't know how to set up his v90 i'm gonna start text

we got disconnected somehow um so uh can you just can you open up your video phone

configuration screen can you speak up i can barely hear you turn the phone the other way around

we're doing this the rest of the night because we don't have families

If you had a viewer on your phone, you could see the Santa videos real hot.

Speak up.

The night Santa went crazy.

I think he's tattling on us.

He's a tattletale.

Wow, Santa's got a big dick.

Tits on Mrs. Claus?

I don't think that's Mrs. Claus.

I think that's Santa's mistress.

Yeah, I don't think Mrs. Claus has it like that.

Eduardo.

Eduardo's next.

I have a feeling that Eduardo's going to have a temper.

I'm throwing that up there.

Let's find out.

Hello, Eduardo?

Hi, this is Eddie. I'm calling from Planet Fitness.

Yes, it's Eduardo.

Okay, alright, sir. We're calling to confront you regarding this allegation that we have against you and your membership.

Yeah, what is it?

I guess you're involved in this raid, this raid issue that we're having regarding homosexual, bisexual men

looking for sexual encounters inside the restrooms and locker rooms and showers here.

A raid?

Well, not specifically a raid, but we've been looking out on the lookout for men who are having anonymous sex inside the showers and the restrooms here at the Planet Fitness.

We've been conducting a three-month operation, and you came up on the top of the list.

Okay, so...

Did you want to explain yourself?

All right, so I'll go...

No, we're closed tomorrow. We're open tonight. We're closed tomorrow.

Okay, so I'll go on Monday, then.

Nope. No, you're actually not allowed here on premises at all anymore unless you get this taken care of tonight.

All right, sounds good.

Take care of it now.

See ya.

Take care of it now, motherfucker.

Motherfucker.

Bye.

Take care of it now.

Now.

Mr. Smorgan got our hopes up, and then there was just that.

Thanks a lot.

I'm sorry.

That was kind of cute though at the end.

I enjoyed it.

I got eight more if you want to scroll through right now.

Yeah.

All right.

I'll do the private message.

We should call Michelle and wish her a Merry Christmas.

Is her number still working?

I heard it got changed.

I don't know if we have a number for her.

Hey, Eduardo.

Why are you being like that?

Why are you talking like that?

Be a man.

You enjoying this?

Hello?

Hey, you enjoying this?

No.

Hey.

Is this a six-year-old boy's cell phone?

Santa Claus.

Oh, I was going to say he's in real.

Again.

Hang on, let's try again.

We're getting a lot of those tonight for some reason.

Yeah, and a lot of kids.

Tell me you're one of Santa's elves

and you need to talk to my own parents.

Milkman.

Milkman, yeah.

I just put a special someone to wish a Merry Christmas to.

Please leave your message.

I saw that.

Who's that?

Oh, he's a very special friend of the show's.

Okay.

Mystery someone.

Merry Christmas, Sherry.

Fuck this song.

Yeah.

A rapist song.

Every song's a rapist song to you.

Oh, that's George.

This is Walter.

Yeah, Walter.

Yes.

This is Eddie.

I work at Planet Fitness.

I'm the manager here.

Yes, hi.

You're being accused of masturbating inside the shower.

You're being accused of masturbating in the shower.

Well, we have you on video.

You might have the wrong guy, though.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Wilmer Palmer.

Wilmer?

Yeah.

Walter, Walter.

I'm sorry.

Walter Palmer.

When did that happen?

I mean, you don't even do that, bro.

You don't masturbate at all?

I mean, what?

So you do masturbate.

You admit to masturbate.

Who was making those accusations, bro?

The video camera got you masturbating.

No.

No, we have a camera inside.

We have a video camera inside the shower that caught you masturbating.

Walter Palma, you come to the Planet Fitness.

How are you going to know the name?

How are you going to know the name, bro?

Yeah, Cross, when I was going back there to clean the locker rooms,

I was pretty sure I saw that,

and then I checked out the security footage,

and we have it we have him recorded doing that yeah we know we know because we saw you when you

you know how you badge in you know how you badge in when you come in sir yeah okay yeah yeah you

went straight to the bathroom and then went to the that we got you on video we we trail you all

the way to the bathroom and then to the shower and you started masturbating and then kendra saw

you when that happened uh some point this week i don't know i had to look look at the time stamp

to tell you but it was this week because i wasn't at the gym this week at all oh how convenient

right when was the last time you came here then he was there today you were here today look at

that you were here today it says i was i was there today oh so you weren't here this week

motherfucker huh i'm a motherfucker i can say whatever i want if you come here to jack off

inside the shower and you got videos inside the shower well yeah well yeah because we were just

calling to get a release from you because we're going to put that on like a website so we just i

I mean, we're not mad.

We just want to make sure that we get, like, a release from you to get permission.

Hey, hey, manager.

I know her name.

I need to talk to her right now.

You need to talk to her?

Okay, I'll put her through.

Hang on just a moment, please.

Hello, this is Kendra speaking.

How can I help you?

What's your name?

My name's Kendra.

What's the name of the manager?

No, that's incorrect.

Who are you looking for?

It is a black female.

Mm-hmm.

Yvonne?

I know her name, and I know her name, but it's not Kendra.

Exactly.

Yvonne.

Is that who you're looking for?

Who?

Yvonne?

What is the issue exactly, sir?

I'm the assistant manager that's on duty tonight.

I am the highest person that you can speak with, so what exactly is the issue?

Okay, you know, I want to talk to the other manager.

Well, the other manager is not in right now, and she's not going to be in until after the holidays.

I will talk to her. Can I talk to the guy that was talking to me?

Is there an issue with speaking with a woman, or what exactly is the problem?

I'll transfer you back then

Alright, one second, hold on

Hi, Cross, he doesn't want to talk to me apparently

He has an issue with

Talking to a woman or something like that

Is that motherfucker again?

Yeah, he's being rude, I don't know what his deal is

This is Cross, hello

What's your name?

This is Eddie Cross, is this that motherfucker again?

So, you work at the gym, right?

Yeah

Okay, now you listen to me, you little bitch

Hey, hey, hey

Listen, you fucking

Greasy fucking

First of all, the person in the video is not me.

That's one thing, and I'm pretty sure about it.

I'm going to talk to the manager.

Number two, you're a motherfucker.

I'm going to find you a little bitch.

Yeah, fucking.

Yeah, you come here to steal?

Did you come here to steal shit?

You little motherfucker.

You fucking nasty motherfucker.

You understand me?

Did you call me a pineapple piece of shit?

Yeah, you little motherfucker.

Pineapple?

I'm going to fuck you up, you little motherfucker.

You understand me?

Do you want to fucking understand me?

Come here now.

Come here now, motherfucker.

and i know and i know who you are oh yeah what are you gonna do you're gonna jack off in front

of me again do you know who i am i don't give a oh you'll find out who i am we're gonna suck

your dick as soon as eddie's done with you you got me to deal with yeah cross what is that i've

evaluated the uh recordings again uh for some reason he told kendra that she was hurting for

a squirting oh there we go now very disturbing now i understand what's going on he's bisexual

Bisexual. That explains it.

The truth comes out.

Bisexual Mexican Walter.

Next time he comes into the gym, can you ask him for his papers?

Because Lord Trump isn't going to stand for this.

May you hear that, motherfucker, you?

You guys are drunk.

Yeah, we've been drinking tonight, yeah.

Christmas party, motherfucker.

Yeah, it's our Christmas party here at the gym.

Well, we're not allowed to drink. We're adults.

You come here and jack off and start our store and start our gym,

and you're saying that we can't drink?

Yeah, at least we're not jacking off.

Yeah, at least we're not sexual deviant.

Fucking pervert.

biggest problem is this motherfucker i believe he's coming in here trying to recruit for isis

he's a motherfucker yeah we have video we watch it to get hot you know but we don't like want to

see guys on the fucking video jacking off you yuck yeah it's just for the girls especially

foreigners like him yeah it's just for the girls yeah we do motherfuckers

what was that mumble mumble yeah come in this gym again motherfucker i'm gonna fuck you in the

the showers oh your card's gonna be revoked you're not gonna even be able to get into the

gym next time you try to come by yeah just throw away your black card motherfucker because it's

not accepted here anymore hey well then you suck my dick before no no no you bring your black card

in here and then i'm gonna run it like a credit card between your fucking ass cheeks and i'm

gonna be nope card denied and then i'm gonna fuck you yeah fuck you real good i'm fucking in the ass

half the scissors but you're gonna have your change little fucker you're gonna have your

i fuck you when i fuck your mom when i fuck your sister when i

fuck your wife everybody you little fucker i like the voice you're doing while you say all that it's

pretty hot yeah i like how you start whispering fucking sexy you sound like me when i'm jerking

off okay bullheaded bitch that you got right there trust me she's gonna be licking her own

blood kendra why you gotta be bald headed what the fuck kendra come on alopecia don't judge

you're giving us a bad name here i'm gonna talk to the manager right now

You got the manager's cell phone?

Why?

You fucking her?

Listen, you son of a bitch.

You keep talking like that,

I'm going to come over

and suck your fucking toes

until you jerk off

and ejaculate.

That black bitch manager

that we all hate.

The manager only talks to members

and you're not a member anymore.

Right now,

now when you take power right now,

now when you say

a bunch of things to me,

now when you're accusing me

of stuff,

at the end of the day,

you got surveillance

in the shower.

Now when you say

you got surveillance

in the shower,

You have video proof.

It's not just an accusation.

So now when you call

to insult me,

I want to make sure you get fired, bro.

No, you have no proof of it, buddy.

But we do have your photo up on the wall of shame in the back room.

I'm going to sue the gym.

Do we understand that?

You have no proof of anything, motherfucker.

I took a sharpie and I wrote pervert on your forehead.

All right, you got it.

You're blacklisted.

I will be suing the gym, bro.

Okay, speak up, motherfucker.

What's with the whispering?

We can't hear you.

Come on, be a man.

It doesn't work.

He's gone, he's gone.

Let's kill him.

Who is Christmas Eve?

Who the fuck are you, man?

Do you have any Chipmunks, Christmas?

Oh man, I should look for that, cause I used to like that album.

Yeah, me too.

I put that one number in the

skypes.

Starts with an H.

the numbers are stage okay yeah it's in the one we're in not the private

please leave your message for six five zero nine eight four i gotta pee can i just get up and pee

like matt does the nova show yeah just spray it all over the fucking room all right just

in the sink on the roof oh yeah i'll be right back um guys talk about yourselves you know

talk about what makes you happy for christmas we don't like it there carlito i know i'll be right

back i gotta pee up out of the chair piss piss piss what does everyone want for christmas

carlito's so selfish because we all want to pee he doesn't just take a break and place

you have the bottle beside you for so what does everyone want for christmas two front teeth i want

a dremel set i actually have like you want the actual dremel or the set uh just a dremel i need

the tool the dremel the drill because they have the little things yeah yeah get the wireless

Dremel if you get one. Oh, no.

That's too fancy for me. I'm okay with it.

I think it's a 133-piece

accessory set. It's okay.

I'm old. I can handle the wire.

I want pizza hut.

I actually have a story.

I built a glory hole, actually,

with my Dremel. That's great.

Yeah. It's such a

multi-useful tool.

You can literally do so much with it. Is that what

you want yours for? Oh, yeah. I guess

if we're going to do that in the bathrooms,

it's convenient to have

Have a cordless, battery-powered.

Of course.

I want Pizza Hut e-gift cards, because those are always good.

What do I want?

I don't know.

Pizza Hut is fucking delicious.

You get their pizza or their wings, yeah.

You have everything, don't you, Mr. Morgan?

I can't really think of much that I want.

Yeah, I got a lot of stuff.

That's always my problem.

You know, I'm filthy rich, so.

Yeah, right.

I'm not filthy rich.

I have a lot of stuff.

I know what I want.

I want a crate of Fun Dip.

That'd be nice.

a year supply that would be great and i'd like them all to be just the tangerine flavor instead

of they fuck it up with putting cherry and grape in with it when tangerine is really the best what

if they just mix them all together i didn't know they still made these they're so fucking good

crate of just the powder or do you want like a bunch of individual package

fund i want a bunch of the packages but rather than having the other two flavors i would just

like just all tangerine i see i don't think i've ever had tangerine i just have the i've never even

seen tangerine look look we have the grape the orange okay yeah that's what i mean that's what

the orange is the orange is tangerine oh i didn't know that okay tangerine yeah well i know what i

want for christmas i would like wanton to um relax and for his autism to be cured who's one time my

hairless cat oh that one time okay yeah yeah that one time there's so many of them yeah where is he

he's not even on camera no he's sleeping everyone listening to the show you should be a tiny chat.com

slash prank call nation mm-hmm i'll get my tits out later yep we all will i usually start the

show with the pulling the tits out i think you showed your nipple once didn't you last year

probably i'm pretty sure i screenshotted that oh it's when uh carlito was getting all the attention

for his nipples and i got down damn it i think me and rappy were around that night so we both

showed our nipples together i think we touched them together yeah nipple nothing new for us

you know no i haven't needed corn since i had those screenshots that's great yeah i remember

something about your nipples being odd brad i don't remember exactly what it was well he is

horrible oh yeah well then i got hershey kiss nipples apparently thanks to milkman i'm like

lady and mall rats uh oh with the chewing gum yeah yeah yeah psychic too by the way we uh we

We're going to call the number in the main Skype here at Ancho, yeah.

I spilled half-melted ice all over my headphones and shit.

Like a fucking asshole.

Holy shit, the tiny chat count just went up by like 14 people.

Oh, yeah?

See the nipples.

That's what's up.

15 people.

31 now, yeah, there you go.

Tiny chat, what did you say, Howard?

Oh, Howard, you think you'll answer?

Yep.

808.

We're going to call that motherfucker Wishama Merry Christmas.

Hey, since we're all taking turns peeing, I'll be right back, okay?

Okay, buddy.

All right.

You went crazy on me during Thanksgiving.

Did you hear that shit, Carlito?

I did not.

I called and wished him a happy fucking Thanksgiving.

Oh, yes.

I do vaguely remember that, yeah.

I asked him if he was getting any, like, right pussy, and he fucking flipped out.

He's like, where are you calling from?

I said, the mainland.

He's like, you fucking asshole.

Howard, Merry Christmas, you son of a bitch.

How you doing?

I'm doing okay.

How you doing, Charlie?

Ah, good, man.

Has fucking Santa come by or what?

Huh?

Has Santa been by or what?

No, I didn't...

No, no, Santa.

Has Santa been there?

Who?

Santa Claus.

Santa.

Santa Claus.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

He died already.

He been by...

He died?

Yeah, he died already.

Don't tell the kids, bud.

He didn't go in the fucking volcano, did he?

Huh?

Did Santa go in the volcano?

He's gone already.

You gotta read the news more often.

Well, the last time I read the news, Santa Claus was fucking you in the ass.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Oh, that's nice.

And then he had that Bernie AIDS, so he jumped in the volcano.

And the Muslims never get you yet?

Nope.

Huh?

So what do you want for Christmas, Howard?

I'm going to send it on over.

Why don't you stand in front of me for Christmas?

Okay, I'll do that.

What time tomorrow?

You come and stand.

Be a man and stand.

so you know i i can wipe your face a little bit you know what i mean like a baby yeah you wipe my

face you feed me you breastfeed me you're making these calls you you're more super asshole on a

christmas eve you're making calls like this oh no it's christmas here now we're not savages like

you you dirty ass fucking dog why don't you go soak your stick brain in acid you're dirty

Christmas Eve, you're making these calls.

No respect to the kids getting ready for Christmas.

You goddamn cowliff.

You're a fucking...

I do this toast to you, Howard.

There he goes.

That's Howard.

Everybody.

He thought you were Charlie?

Does he call you that normally?

No, he calls me a howly.

Oh, he said Charlie, though.

I think he's like, hey, Charlie.

Hey, like that.

He thought you were his...

What the fuck's wrong with that guy, you know?

You don't know him?

Piece of shit.

there yeah milkman that's uh that's honolulu uh yeah that's that's hawaiian howard howard

howard yeah he he tells dwight to jump in the volcano volcano he's gonna throw me the

volcano on thanksgiving i legitimately called him and wished him a happy thanksgiving he goes

uh where you calling from but i told him the mainland and i was asking him if he was getting

any right pussy and he goes ah you motherfuckers i throw you in the volcano i told him that i

something about i drink uh lava or something not even the lava can melt pieces of shit like you

you just go fucking crazy oh boy i can hear the cookie frogs back there god bless it man those

those nice beautiful puerto rican frogs that they they're trying to kill in hawaii we love them in

Puerto Rico. We love their annoying

singing. Their annoying

coqui coqui sound. It's a little frog

and it's native to

Puerto Rico. It's native to Hawaii.

And they're really loud and annoying.

Yeah, hi. I'm calling regarding the coqui frog.

I hear you have a lot of them in the background

there, sir. What's that? You have

coqui frogs there. What are you looking

for? The coqui frog. You have

a coqui frog in the

background. No, they all went to

Las Vegas, sir. Yeah, fuck

you. They're from Puerto Rico. You don't do shit

You don't do shit to them. You don't do shit to the Puerto Rican coquifrog.

Yeah, fuck you! Motherfucker, you fucking kanaka fucking nasty.

Yeah, go fuck a pineapple. You fucking dirty ass.

All you guys can do is hide behind one phone and talk like this.

You gotta be the lowest scum on earth. You understand me, you fucker?

I don't think you even have a canto or dick. You fucking people are weird.

I'm from a better island than you are

You fuckin' people

You fuckin' people are weird

Yeah, you fuckin' people

That was a great insult

I love that guy

Better than Charlie

I say, better than Charlie

What do you want now, fuckface?

I wanna apologize

Ah, fuckface

I'm gonna apologize

Shut up, I'm putting

You like to know what fuckin' ugly fuckers you are

How come ISIS never get you fuckers yet?

You dirty fucking bastards.

You understand me?

No.

I'm going to email them to go get you two fuckers, you know?

Yeah, you get eaten up over here.

You get eaten up and beaten up.

He's going to come to the mainland.

He's going to email ISIS to come get us?

I got news you go to jail if you email fucking ISIS and put it on the list.

Yeah, if you mention him, the ISIS, these fucking hollies.

You need to get that

I tried to put him in a volcano

But it didn't work

Come here put him in a volcano

You know for a guy who's really like anti-westerner

Or anti-mainland

He's really into the whole how dare you call on Christmas Eve

His son is even worse

Like he's right on the same level as Howard

Nice

He's just picking up

Maybe we'll give him a few minutes

Call him back later

I missed the beginning

Who's Howard?

That guy was awesome

You don't know who Howard is?

Brad

brad um brad's been calling him i'm drunk dwight's been calling him for a few months now how long

you been calling him for dwight how long do you think it's been a while but i usually i'll give

him like usually i'll call him like once a month and he he always threatens to throw me in the

fucking volcano and he absolutely hates us you fucking hollies yeah like thanksgiving i mean

legitimately i was calling him wish him a happy thanksgiving and he's like oh you know he started

out slow and i asked him if he was getting any right pussy and like he started flipping where

you calling from i said i'm calling from the mainland oh you motherfuckers your white isis

is around i'll throw you in the volcano let's fuck up the bc and isis you know we're all in

this together even hawaiians um who wants to call the next uh planet fitness we'll keep doing those

here before it gets too late i'll do it daniel's next daniel danny daniel daniel where the fuck is

that i don't even see it and the thing didn't i get put in the machine i got it i got it i'm about

almost halfway through my vodka uh my whiskey bottle here not available at this time please

is it the good whiskey or just gut rot whiskey no no well i mean it's decent i drink johnny

walker black i had this bottle about to ask you if it's johnny walker oh yeah well not red though

i get blocked i had a bottle of balvenie in my hand i was like god motherfucker you're like i

really would like to when you want to used to go on cam like everyone was like oh what are you

drinking you're like oh yeah it's johnny walker black black yeah yeah but because dude like i

would get blue like every once in a while for like night sight tonight i get some blue i don't

know if you guys know like blues like of the three main johnny walker ones blue is the highest one

but it's not worth it like fucking it's just it's it's over over a hundred dollars for the

blue label and it's not that much better to be honest with you like it's still a blended scotch

i you could spend your money just try calling charlie i was gonna say i was mentioning i was

gonna mention oh man this is bad someone was putting in a chat do you ever what is the guy

you scalded oh daniel hello carlos carlos hello carlos yeah hey this is dave from the the gym

from the planet fitness yeah and you were in here earlier today yeah and are you aware that

you forgot to donate uh to the christmas thing to the children there was a donation box here on the

counter no i didn't notice yeah that doesn't sound like a very likely excuse because we looked at the

security cam footage but the manager dwight he wanted to talk to you about that about the whole

you know you being a cheapskate thing and not donating to the children like why can't why can't

you just you know put in a couple bucks it's not that much money and it helps children it helps

local children i didn't notice it that's bullshit and we know you noticed it it's right there

Everyone that comes in sees it.

It's right there.

There's like a big sign next to it with a picture of a sad kid.

I didn't go in and swipe my card.

Quit pretending you didn't notice, because we know you noticed.

I did not.

You're full of shit.

You're full of shit, okay?

You're a cheapskate, and you're full of shit.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

It's Christmas Eve.

What the fuck, you motherfucker?

I didn't notice.

I just go into the gym and swipe the card and go in.

Yeah, you swipe the card right next to the box for the donation for the children for Christmas.

Is it too late to donate?

For needy children.

Too late to donate?

Well, yeah.

We're not even going to be here tomorrow.

We've got to go out and buy the gifts that we got from the donations for the children.

For the needy children.

If you could have just put in like, you know, five bucks or something, maybe the kids would

get something they need.

Like an iPhone.

Oh, I really didn't notice it.

I don't carry cash when I go to the gym.

You know, I don't believe you when you say you didn't notice it.

Because it's right there.

Everyone notices it.

Everyone donated it except for you.

Like you and one other guy.

Some people, none of us noticed it.

We just went in.

Oh, that's bullshit.

You guys probably, you know,

you're like, oh, look at that.

We're not going to give any money to that.

Fuck that shit.

Uh, no.

You know, we can use that money to go buy Starbucks.

Because Starbucks is more important than needy children.

I didn't say you were a little shit.

Yeah, I called you a cheapskate

because you were being a cheapskate earlier when you came in.

You didn't give to the needy children box.

I didn't notice it.

You cheap motherfucker.

I think you're disgusting.

I hope you have a bad Christmas.

Because thanks to you,

some needy child's going to have a bad Christmas.

I'm kind of naughty.

Am I naughty?

Are you having a bad Christmas?

No, I gave to the children.

I gave to the needy children.

You're the one that's not giving to the needy children.

I didn't notice it.

Either way, I didn't have cash when I went into the gym.

Oh, that's bullshit.

That's fucking bullshit.

I mean, it's been there all week.

You didn't notice it all week?

Nope, I really don't.

I just go in, swipe, and worry about the gym.

I have other things I'm not worried about.

The assistant manager wanted to talk to you.

Do you want to talk to Dwight?

I need to put Dwight on the phone.

We've been trying to call, and you've been avoiding our calls.

even not answering your phone probably because you're ashamed of not donating or not a random

number or the gym why'd you answer this call if you don't answer you're full of shit see you're

full of shit again you say you don't answer but then you answered if you didn't answer random

numbers we wouldn't be talking fucking liar anyway i need to put dwight on the phone he's

my assistant manager yes sir we we found out uh according to this member's history uh because all

All the donations were going to African-American children.

He's been deemed a racist, and that's why he didn't donate.

I know.

What a dick.

Fucking racist cheapskate.

That's what he is.

Sir, why would you not help the malnourished children of the African-American persuasion

to further perpetuate your agenda as a white man?

Wait, I asked him last time he was in if he wanted to donate,

just like I ask every patron that comes in,

and he looked at it and said no you you i remember morgan you told me he's like like yeah he's like

why would i donate to that disgusting he said he actually said that's not a worthy cause those

were his exact words probably spent like a thousand bucks on his own kids and didn't give to them

because they're white kids black lives matter what do you have to say sir well my kids no about

About your racism, about your blatant racism.

How does it feel?

Are you feeling superior because of your white privilege?

Racism right there.

He's voting for Trump.

Fucking racism.

We didn't need any more clues that he was a racist.

What a shitty person.

What nationality do you guys think I am?

Not black.

Regardless of where you are in the white spectrum,

whether you're Asian or Mexican,

you're still in the white spectrum,

and thus you still have white privilege.

He's one of those guys that thinks he's not racist

just because he's not white.

Yeah. Hate to break it to you, but even if you're a Mexican, you still have white privilege.

Motherfucker.

A Mexican?

What?

A Mexican? That sounds racist because not every Latino is considered Mexican.

Oh, right.

Oh, you're totally Mexican. That's how you come in.

We're all Mexican.

Don't try to pass this off onto us. You're the racist one, sir.

And you hate children.

Okay, so you admit it. Good.

Well, we don't allow racists at our gym, so...

Why don't you quit the gym and just go join ISIS?

Or does the KKK have their own sort of athletic program, maybe?

Okay, well, you don't need to go to this gym, then.

Then we'll just revoke your membership.

Sorry, what was that?

To unlock my superpowers?

I'm a super saiyan.

Yeah, I think you can speak to that.

Must be a super saiyan.

Careful, Morgan.

He's going to call you naughty next.

Just, what do you think, Brad?

I don't know.

I say just cancel his membership.

I say we put nails under his tire next time he comes in.

If he tries to come back in, I agree.

I will go back.

Oh, no, you won't.

Well, he won't be getting very far.

banned from the premises we've got your picture up yeah once we put nails in your tire you won't be

leaving very far either and why will it not go very far well because we're gonna um you know

there might be some nails in your in your tire if you do try to come back to the gym

you think nails you forgot you're superhuman sorry we have a tracer yeah the powers and stuff

whatever the cocaine makes you think we get it i eat i eat nails for breakfast you fag and i don't

even add milk yeah but when you take the big cock you don't use lube either right

just like it raw it comes out bloody yeah like rami oh yeah that's pretty racist black people

like chicken chicken have you seen the lions lately oh my god shut up shut the

okay did you cancel his membership yep totally cancelled did you add the fee to it as well

typing it in right now okay and just go ahead and charge i think we have a card on file

how much cocaine did you do tonight you know the one that you go to you know exactly what

the one you go to dumbass don't go to the gym remember

so anyway to summarize you're a racist we don't like you

thank you yeah he does like you he did ask if you're naughty right brad

yeah yeah fucking pervert are you naughty i'm gonna put you in a naughty last no i like you

as a person i'm gonna put you in a naughty he likes you as a person he likes your spirit and

your soul did you say soulmate and lover just ignore him he's high he thinks he's clever but

he's not clever who's that in the background that's my family celebrating christmas aka the

television in his life can we speak with them one of the members of your mexican family what's up

my family i'd like to speak with one of the members of your mexican family please we're not

even what are you then you're super human sorry i forgot super saying humans don't have any

you're super homo so can we speak to a member of your family please speak to my dog see he

He doesn't have a family.

And put your mom on the phone.

Okay, so it was your TV.

Nice.

Like, yeah, I'm playing video games.

Oh, wow.

You're living the life.

You're like Dwight McClanahan.

Star Wars and Battlefront.

You guys play console?

Yeah, yeah.

I play Battlefront.

I play Fallout.

Wait, you play Fallout?

Yeah, you are.

Apparently superhumans are huge nerds.

Do you play Xbox or PlayStation?

PlayStation.

Oh, fuck yeah.

I want my left hand.

Yeah, add me.

Add me on PlayStation Network.

I'll show you my dick.

Really?

What's your name?

Yeah, Carlitos.

dash x yeah i play battlefront yeah because it's such a fucking good game

oh let's play together it's not fucking bullshit at all

i don't know i'm level 50 this isn't my i got the shadow trooper it's amazing yeah fuck you that

fucking game is a piece of shit you eat what's your level 50 you're a piece of shit i'm gonna

back out of this call it's not my call it's just the girl and the guy's guy sucks so much

did you see star wars yet did you see force awakens yet hello virgin did you see force

awakens yet virgin still connected in some form or fashion all right i hung up on him

he was just like i'm like sloshed right now i gotta chill my drinking um have you

drank any water in between your liquor uh no i just have pedialyte when i'm done i'm good

Hey, I started doing that

Do you drink Pedialyte when you're done drinking?

Or in the morning if you're hungover?

Is that a normal thing to do?

No, it's a fucking thing

I've never heard of anyone doing that

That's crazy

crazy that'll cure your hangover in like a minute pedialyte wow or have it when you're done

drinking motherfucker and have the pedialyte you'll be fine um you want to call the next

planet fitness or should we do something else you got them photo numbers yeah photo number

so i mean i still have well you still have a couple was that eduardo we just called right

yeah i think eric would be the next one okay if you want to i mean we could stop for a bit

no no no no if you guys drive the boat for a little bit i'll sober up i'll be all right and

i can still handle dude i'm a professional i've been doing this for 10 plus years morgan do you

have any more of those christmas light display people i do i have a bunch of them christmas

light display people oh the the shitty christmas light display no they're actually people who have

like won christmas like like contests in the cities that they live in so they have like they're people

who take their christmas lights very seriously okay that's cool that's cool i enjoy we should

to try back can we try back the um what's his name slayer bob if you give me a name for sure

yeah well yeah who was it so this guy here he uh he's been on like good morning america

well his house at least because he does this christmas light display and then he

uh like plays heavy metal music like slipknot and stuff and it's like timed with yeah one of

those guys really yeah and we talked to him earlier and he's pretty much an asshole when

When I worked for the power company, it was this cat.

He was like, oh, yeah, I got the big light display.

And fucking it goes with the music and stuff like that.

Guess what?

He was still in the power the whole fucking time.

He had dug into the ground.

Fucking guy's nuts.

Wow.

He dug into the ground and, like, tapped into the main line like fucking some dangerous shit.

He got caught.

There you go.

Yeah.

That's his number.

Tens of thousands of dollars of power that guy was fucking stealing.

Tell him you're from Edison and he's using up too much power.

Well, make sure.

or is that the one in this local area i mean what i either edison or uh ocean ocean view

yeah it's one of those two what the la power and water or water you guys want to find out or

i'm too lazy for that tell me what to do honey baby to say i'm from the electric company oh

shit it's the whole time i did power machines you guys ready yeah here's a i'm just gonna put

a link to his uh story about his stupid house let me check in with everyone dwight you're still

still with us Dwight Dwight's mad because I stole his call milkman you still with me brother man

my best friend where are you come off from you milkman oh look are you feeling better did you

get did the doctor hook you up and all that I get you some good I feel like holy crap I mean I'm

dying has it been coming out of your ass how's what are you feeling is the ass sick is it mouth

no it's in my it's in it started in my nose running real bad like waterfall yeah what happens

to me like always it gets down in my chest i want to get to my chest and i got all kinds of issues

oh so you got a post-natal drip did you are you using the uh the the peppermint oil i sent you

but did that run out i sent you to like no i'm no i got i've got actually i got um uh

albuterol there you go there you go yeah well let's hear from milkman

Thanks for looking out for me, bro.

I mean, you guys are cracking me up.

I'm sorry.

I can't like comment, but they're like shitty anyway.

And my comments are retarded.

You're sick.

Yeah, you're sick.

You're sick.

Good work, man.

You're sick.

What a nice Christmas gift.

We should just get a Milkman soundboard.

Yeah, that's how we do it.

Mer.

That's how we do it.

It's just me going mer.

That's it.

Yeah.

Ah.

Yeah.

Ah.

Yeah, I'll do some real boners for you when you're ready, man.

We'll make it really funny.

I want to thank all my friends who are on with me right now

Brad especially, thanks man

It's always fun, Christmas Eve

Doing shows

It's a prank call tradition here

I get drunk and you do all the pranks

I appreciate it

Thanks for embellishing me

Here we go with that call for that person

Morgan was just talking about that

I forget because I'm drunk

Slayer guy

He's got nice beautiful lights

That whole song you keep playing to me

I started playing it on my guitar song

I have no idea what it is, man.

It's pretty good, man.

It's like E-flat.

McKittie E-flat.

It's like E-flat major.

Hello.

Go ahead.

Hello.

This is Dave.

I'm your neighbor.

My wife called you earlier about the Slayer music, and we noticed you haven't turned that

off yet.

Nothing going on right now.

I know, but are you just going to turn it back on tomorrow with the Slayer music and

all the satanic stuff?

Basically, we're just sick of your shit.

I mean, not even just on Christmas.

Everything, you know?

Being kind of an asshole neighbor all the time.

She's always complaining about you.

She's just going around the house, just going on and on about you.

He swore at me earlier when I spoke to him.

I was listening.

I heard him from across the room.

I could hear him.

Well, it's not that.

It's just that you mix it in with the blasphemous heavy metal stuff.

Well, yeah, I'm sure that feels really great for you.

And you're bringing down the value of the entire neighborhood.

You're going to go to hell playing stuff like that.

bother man well it bothers us it's not all about you yeah it's gonna bother you when you're in hell

you mean like holy crap this sucks yeah we're not gonna tell you exactly where we live but we can

see your house from our house okay it's close enough that it's it's a little too close you're

the one with the ugly tree you have the devil horns in your like as christmas signs it's

essentially just an open invitation inviting satan onto our block you're the one that takes way too

too long to take your trash cans back in yeah like a week later whatever it is days later

that's you who else would it be what about the devil horns and christmas lights it's not playing

right now what about what i said dummy i said christmas lights what about whenever i drive by

and you and your family just like give me that look just look at me you know you know what i'm

talking about you know what i'm talking about you're full of shit well do you look at everyone

one like that and give him the snake eyes no i'm i'm using with everybody oh yeah you're just the

celebrity of the the whole block everybody loves him just waving at everyone i had a huge crowd

out there when you guys were calling me and it's like one of those beauty queens does the wave

thing yeah and do you notice that none of those people are people from the neighborhood they're

all people that come from outside the neighborhood i'm glad the slayer music makes you feel popular

All the satanic music.

And Slipknot, or whatever it's called.

And quite frankly, I'm worried about your child that you have in that house.

If you're so willingly just displaying your interest in Satanism, clearly, I'm worried what goes on inside that house with a child there.

I sure hope that you just have one child and there's not multiple ones, because I'm quite worried.

Why don't you just try being a good neighbor instead of a celebrity?

And despite the fact we haven't got off on a good foot, if you would like to come to Bible study with us, we go every Sunday and Wednesday.

You're always welcome, and your daughter as well.

Excuse me?

What do you think about that?

Who's, well, wow.

Who's blood is it?

I'm calling Child Protective Services.

He's used to that.

Is it your wife's menstrual blood?

I sure hope, that's kind of like the best case scenario, I guess.

Speak up.

And he's talking to his...

Oh, the whore.

The overweight wench.

I've only got a few more days.

Do I get our Christmas music?

Well, no.

You know what?

Christmas is technically in an hour and three minutes.

So those lights, you already should be working on taking them down right now.

I'm going to come by and listen to that one.

Well, you know what?

We're going to go to the city, and we're going to get them to have an injunction against you.

And they're going to force you to take those lights down.

And if you're wanting to put them up next year

Then I guess you and your satanic family

Is going to have to move away from the area

Because I have friends who are on the city council

Actually

You sound like you've lost your spunk compared to earlier

You were all full of piss and vinegar before

Now you just sound tired

You should take some Pedialyte

Yeah have some Pedialyte after you drink alcohol

That's what Carlito does

Oh man I swear to god

That's what's really weird is I don't drink or smoke or anything

Oh yeah right all satanists do

just apologize

and tell us

it won't happen

next year

I'm not your

buddy chief

come on

we're all buddies

no no

you've made it clear

unless you're a

friend of Christ

you're not a

friend of ours

yeah we're not

buddies with Satanists

we'll always be

willing to forgive you

if you're willing

to accept Christ

into your heart

but until then

you know

if you're an enemy

of Christ

you're not a brother

or a family member

you're with us

or you're against us

yeah

you can't be with me

why do you got to be against me because your thinking is uh just inherently incorrect we're

right and you're wrong well after all the other people that are god is on our side oh did you

hear him he just said not to all the other satanists oh yeah of course not where do you

guys even get your morals from if you guys don't like there's no consequences to your actions so

you know where do you how do you even know what's right and what's wrong if you don't have

you know judgment of god when you die like where do you get your morals from even clearly you don't

care because you don't have any morals hence your satanic display every christmas yeah you stupid

dick faith how old is your daughter sir well i'm asking you no we're just being nice and asking

okay well we will be going to uh we'll be going to the city then on the 27th when it opens back up

and we're telling all the churches about you

There might even be a picketing campaign

I'm sure you wouldn't like to have a bunch of Christians

Just standing outside your house constantly

Until you take those lights down

We're going to bring Westboro Baptist over

You heard me

Yeah, the Phelps family, the Westboro Baptist Church

They're a little bit fringe, but

You know, they're right with God

Alright, so

We expect those lights to be taken down tomorrow

And I guess we'll talk to you then if they're not

Alright, I'll be looking for you. Come on by and talk to me.

You got a trace on your called suit, do you?

No, you don't, ma'am.

Oh, do you? Oh, just wait. Hold on, hold on.

What's the trace? Have you picked up or have you triangulated the exact location?

Let's book a number. Call it all back all you want.

Tell us your trace, ma'am.

Come by tomorrow and talk to me when everybody's standing out there watching us.

We're not scared. Speak up, bitch.

He's the one that'll only talk to us when there's a crowd out there.

He won't just talk to us as a neighbor

You know

So your wench wife has triangulated the position

Is that correct?

He sounds so defeated right now

Well, God has

Stick another one in God's

God's winning bag

He scored a loss here today

You've lost here today, Slayer Bob

Or whatever your name is

You have been defeated by Jesus

Take that, motherfucker

And just know that we'll always be here

If you decide to have a change of heart

Oh, we're not Jehovah's.

We're not Satanists, you know.

We're Christians.

All right, bye.

She sounds really fat, doesn't she, honey?

Oh, I'll see you tomorrow when it's playing.

She's fat.

I saw her on the news.

She's a big fatty.

No, I saw...

No, I see her when...

Yep.

Quite large.

Rotund.

I'll say.

Fat fucking bitch.

Great.

Well, I guess we'll be seeing you tomorrow.

Yeah, we're totally bored with this call.

Bye.

I'm sorry.

I kept it going for so long.

He was really defeated.

God damn.

He really did lose a lot of his spunk.

He did.

He started off on fire, and at the end, he was like...

No, when we called him earlier, he was, like, really spunky.

Damn.

Yeah.

2 o'clock in the morning.

You guys feeling good?

We still...

I'm feeling...

Oh, it's only 11 here.

Oh, fuck that.

Yeah.

Let's go until 2 o'clock.

5 o'clock hour.

Fuck yeah, man.

Fucking New Year's Eve coming up for you in an hour, man.

Hell yeah.

What's happening on New Year's Eve?

PCN.

I'm planning on doing my normal New Year's Eve show.

That should be my last normal, like, live show.

for a while what do you mean because i'm done doing live shows really i haven't done live shows

since price giving i don't really want to me neither really why i'm out of it you guys are

like twins because all the bullshit that's been going on yeah okay tired of it this is i moved on

hey there's a whole interview you should listen to morgan you haven't heard it yet no well you

should okay catch up motherfucker i heard about it god damn the whole thing is explained there

for the most part um i mean i mean i may come back to do like these shows like like now like

christmas eve and shit like yeah we can do a yearly live show christmas show once a year that's

all you guys get but i plan to eventually maybe like i'm thinking like maybe once a month i'll do

a show dwight you're gonna i mean i here's i mean brad you're you're fine you're gonna do shows

live like you've always done you're fine i'm not changing yeah i mean i know i said what i said on

lettuce radio but i wasn't sure like i mean i said yo i don't think brad really likes doing

live shows anymore but yeah you're like i said you're you don't even need pc and really you're

fine on your own um dwight's gonna keep doing his shows but really like dwight are you slowing down

are you gonna keep going at the rate you've been going do you have any do you want to talk about

it if you don't want yeah what the hell dwight what happened to the four shows per week you can

tell me to shut up because i'm drunk it's fine oh he he left he's not even on the conference anymore

work fuck shit what a jerk damn it kick him off pcn right now asshole he's out well forget it

he doesn't get shit dwight says he's gonna he's gonna uh i didn't

yeah yeah dwight'll keep the stream i guess i mean like that's what i was on matt's show where

we're saying like really nothing's going away because i don't want to like matt was like he

wants to keep doing shows on the pcn stream like yeah sure because you get more listeners that way

and i'm not having a problem with that dwight same thing like ellen when i was thinking about

i was like well it's bullshit for me to just pull the rug out of everyone just because i want to

stop doing shit fuck everyone yeah i think let them get their own streams split the cost between

themselves sorry i mean yeah i mean that's fine i mean i'm gonna keep paying things as long as like

i mean i wanted to shut the irc down but i was like it's kind of a dick thing to do for the

most part i don't know like as long as patreon money's coming in i'll keep paying it um yeah

Yeah, I mean, at this point...

People need to chill the fuck out.

I can't believe this stuff.

It's a bunch of bullshit.

At this point, all that's really happening is I'm not gonna...

I'm the one that's not gonna be doing live shows

because Dwight's gonna still do live shows.

I don't know. I don't know what's gonna happen.

That's crazy.

At this point, basically, I'm like...

People need to grow up, man.

This is just a bunch of fun, dude.

You don't have to be a bunch of stupidity.

When it stops being fun, this is what happens.

I don't know.

Do you guys want to take a break, or do you want to keep going live?

doing calls right now, I'm good

for either. I'm good.

You're good? Brad, how do you feel? You good?

Brad's the co-host here. Brad's

my man.

You got Christmas light people for me?

Yeah, I do. I'm just adding

ones right now. As the dead says,

Morgana. What does he call you, Morgana?

Oh, God. The dead's around?

No, I'm just saying he says,

Morgana. Morgana.

Morgana. Whatever happened to the dead?

He hasn't been around for a while. He's good.

I was talking to him a few days ago. He's good.

Ever since he got with his wife, man, and he never calls, he'll call me up drunk, like, once in a while.

And he'll, like, start cussing and shit, and he'll, like, leave a stupid message, and then, like, find back and never answer.

Yeah, that's the dad. He's got things to do now.

I don't know, dude. He's off on one of those tangents right now. You know, I hope him and his girls work.

Is she working here? I know she's stateside now. Is she working here?

Backage.com.

I can't imagine why she's a bad piece of cum.

By the time I talked to him, he wasn't even working, man.

She'd been there already, like, what, three, four months, six months?

He hadn't worked yet.

Like, I don't know.

He doesn't need to work once she's here.

That's the whole point.

She's got all the bills.

I don't know.

The situation is he needs to work.

He's just, you know, his money isn't water, man.

You can't just throw in the faucet and it comes back.

He doesn't need to work.

He's rich.

Fucking guy got like a...

He was rich.

Like a 3.9 fucking GPA.

He insures us he's totally rich.

Before he goes deeper, though, man,

And that's what I was trying to, like, you know, get in touch with him, dude.

But, like, man, I'm worried about him.

Because he told me, like, I'm working.

It seems like he's been back.

Yeah, I don't know.

I'm worried about the guy.

Well, I mean, look, I mean, he says it himself.

Yeah, I hope you're doing all right, buddy.

We go back a long time.

Go back to work, bro.

I mean, did they go back years and years and years since the beginning of the show?

I love that guy like a brother.

But Jesus Christ, man, he's out of control.

He's been out of control for 50 years.

He's a good kid, man.

I mean, you know, he had his rough times, man.

And he started to come up and do it his own crazy-ass way.

Sometimes I think, honestly, and I've told him this before,

drinking really caused him a lot more problems than anything.

Yep, yep, yep.

Because it's not like, okay, here's the deal with the dead.

When you say drinking, it's like drinking doesn't end, dude.

It's like you don't have to have a couple sips or maybe a couple glasses.

It just keeps on going all night, all night.

And then until you just, you know, you're on another planet.

He is on another planet. He's constantly on another planet.

I worry about him, man, because hell, man, he's going to shoot his liver out, you know?

Well, I mean, he shouldn't talk about it.

He's got other things that have happened in his life.

Anyway, best wishes for the dead, man.

Happy holidays to him and his family.

Yeah, I know, I know.

He really needs to chill out.

Not for me.

I hope he dies in a fire.

He shouldn't be behind.

I would just say this.

He knows he shouldn't be behind the wheel when he's drinking, driving to the bar to drink more.

It's like you cannot tell this guy anything. I mean, I've been talking to him for years

I was personally ever tried. You can't really tell me milkman to me both have tried count helping the guy counts

He's got yeah, whatever. He did whatever. That's what he wants. I hope he works out for him

That's all I'm saying. I wish me bad luck. You know, I know

Who's ready to call Linda

are we good Linda has so she won an award for it for her lights and these

people have won awards for their they've either won awards for the lights or they

were featured in like lists of homes with really really great lights for like

people to go around and like go on their Christmas light tour home and garden

better home and garden no I don't think they were that good in about two minutes

I'll have some really amazing numbers for you yeah I still have portrait

Portrait numbers and gym numbers.

Once we're done with the...

Yeah, I'm getting lost and found drone people.

Dude, we got Parkman numbers again, too.

Motherfucker's been confirming numbers

and I haven't been doing shows.

We gotta do something.

Hello, please leave a message after the tone.

That was Gary.

We'll try Linda again.

Fucking Gary.

Beta bitch.

The fuck is Dwight?

I was about to ask him about Gary Brodsky

and what's been up with him lately

and he's not fucking around.

Yeah, hi, is that Linda?

Uh, Tom?

Yeah, hey.

Who's calling?

i was hoping to talk to linda and her big ass she's not around uh she's asleep right now what's

her last name to make sure you got the right one ollie yeah yeah who's calling this is mr ollie

this is yes who put up all the goddamn lights on your house you did or her oh

don't fucking laugh no fucking that would be me don't laugh asshole don't laugh why what's wrong

don't because it's a piece of shit is what it is yeah i know yeah how green are your lights like do

you have like any risk you know reusable renewable power source for your lights are you just taking

it off the fucking grid motherfucker you um you know because they synchronize to the music they're

not on all the time so they're fairly green yeah no they're a piece of shit but a lot of them a lot

of them are led yeah well i'm gonna drive through your whole fucking light display how about that

That's going to be a little tough today with the rain.

Well, I don't care.

I want to do it.

You think it's fun?

Who am I speaking with?

I'm going to finger your Linda.

I'm going to finger her.

I'm going to put my fingers...

I don't think so.

I'm going to put my two fingers in her vagina and put them in and out real fast.

I don't think so.

I'm going to make her cum really hard.

You know what cumming is?

You know what a girl...

Who am I talking to?

You know what orgasm is?

Who am I talking to?

My name is Cross, motherfucker, you.

What?

My name is Cross, and those Christmas lights cheers, they make me fucking horny.

They turn me on sexually, and I'm going to finger your wife in the rhythm to the music.

Well, you know, this is hard enough that I can...

What? You're going to what, motherfucker? Be a man. Come in front of me and be a man.

But where are you?

You're going to call for help?

I'm here at the Walmart, and I'll come down to your house, motherfucker, you.

What are you doing at the Walmart?

I'm fucking here, bud, Christmas shopping.

Last-minute Christmas shopping.

and i hate your yeah i hate your no uh no um no long line no uh no uh no uh bitch where's your

wife at wake her up so i can pork her for you no wake her up motherfucker you why because i want

to pork her you know what porky is gonna happen do you know what the orgasm is hello i'm here

yeah tell me about the orgasm that your wife has well i don't know some of this some of this phone

phone conversation you know i'm what is explain sex with your wife to me explain how it is i want

to hear it in detail the phone conversation is getting a little inappropriate describe the most

intimate parts of your relationship with your wife when you put your penis inside her vagina

tell me about how her wet her vagina gets with her sexual fluids i think we're done with this

phone call describe to me how her clitoris gets engorged with blood and gets hard and erect wow

jesus carlito holy i like was losing it there that was hilarious

you like he was really funny speaking of clits with some ogre tiny chat how old is she is she 18

sorry okay i have a ton of these numbers should i just throw them in and then if you want to call

them yeah i'll put them in okay these are always fun to do they always get quite a reaction all

right all right here's gary woodway woodham gary woodham this is the next uh crystal site display

brad are you interested at all sirs uh i don't know i can jump in or something i don't i really

don't know what to say to him do i can do it but he's not here circuits are busy now

people if you're out there you're getting a prank call by me you gotta wake your wife up if i ask

from because i got a i gotta do you gotta work with me where's dwight can we get dwight

back here what's that about what a dick oh what's up first he tries to up our show

by getting mr smorgasbord here morgan how's one time then he just takes off did you say what does

wanton smell like oh yeah he always smells good he smells like nachos and like mushrooms like nacho

chips tortilla chips and mushrooms yeah this is something i guess was kind of bad well he was

was just sleeping on his heating pad so he actually gets all sweaty and then he stinks even more he's

a heating pad darling like a lizard or something yeah i know he actually that's what it is it kind

of looks like a big lizard yeah that's actually what i bought it's like a large reptile heating

please try your collagen later you bought like a lizard lead heating pad for him yeah and then i

put like a fur blanket over top oh they like that stuff like my cats sit on the cable box sometimes

Yeah, they like it. Well, he yeah, he needs to be warm all the time

He's naked.

Cats today, they don't know what it's like to have a console TV in the house.

Say hi, Montan.

I think a lot of those numbers for the Christmas Slate people are East Coast.

Where'd you get them from?

Like, White Pages?

No, I actually, like, Googled.

Brad, if this picks up, it's Robin.

Ah.

Record message.

I Googled, like, best Christmas Slate displays in, like, Decatur, Georgia, or, like, you

know, random southern places.

This is Val.

I also know this is Valerie.

And then found the addresses and then white-paged them.

Pretty smart.

I really want to watch war games.

Ah, motherfuckers.

We're sorry. You have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service

You know, I mean workings is all right. I wasn't really impressive. It was kind of goofy

Yeah, it's been a long time since I've seen it

But like I don't know I poke smart makes me want to see it now because I just watched the whole movie

I don't know if these people are gonna be answering mr. Carlito

wake him up i'd say well at least one of the magic so far yeah yeah yeah he was good

the number you have reached nine three wanton shut up shut up um all the drone people i threw

in there there's this real west coast this is a cash reward for a lost drone okay and they're

all within the last few days i'll take this i'll invoke a previous prank call i did in hawaii or i

I brought down the drone, where I invoked the Iranian drone crisis from Fears.

Let's see what happens.

I hope the music isn't bumming everybody out out there who doesn't have any family or anyone

to love them for Christmas.

Oh, fuck them.

Who cares about those people?

Fuck them.

Go kill yourself.

Cut yourself at least a little bit.

Don't kill yourself, but cut yourself.

Vertically.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

You lost a drone?

Yeah, I did.

Yeah, well, I shot it down.

It was over my property, and I shot it down with my countermeasures.

You shot it down with what?

I shut it down using my countermeasures.

It was trespassing on my property.

That's what happened to it.

Well.

Yeah, well, we brought it down.

That's kind of a bummer.

Can I have it back?

I don't know.

We're going to reverse engineer it, to be honest with you.

Yeah, we're going to reverse engineer it.

We're going to figure out all your technology.

We're going to use it against you.

We'll probably create our own drones.

You're going to reverse engineer it in what?

We're going to reverse engineer it, motherfucker.

And we're going to use all the technology and make our own drones with it.

Reverse engineering?

Can I have it back?

No.

Maybe I can help you.

Maybe we can collaborate on something.

uh well i don't know what can you give us for that no i did have a reward out for it so

how much i had a hundred dollar reward out for it well we'll stop our nuclear program for nine

hundred dollars your nuclear program you have a nuclear program yeah well we'll we'll suspend it

for five years if you give us nine hundred dollars and agree to buy our oil for five years

uh it ranges upon um i think the the patriots well well motherfucker motherfucker then the

The drone is ours, and we're going to reverse engineer it.

We're going to use it against you.

We're going to fly it over your property.

How do you like that?

That's fine.

I have no problem with you guys flying it over my property.

I mean, you fly an airplane, you fly a hang glider, you fly anything over my property.

We're going to fly the drone.

Shut up.

We're going to fly the drone to your property.

We're going to crash it through your window.

We're going to look at you when you're having sex with your girl, with your wife,

or whatever it is you have when you're masturbating.

Oh, that's cool.

Well, if you can get that drone to do all that, then that's fine business.

I mean, that's all good.

You know when you masturbate, watching pornography, we're going to watch you masturbating, watching pornography.

Well, I don't do that too much anymore.

I kind of outgrew that when I was about 16, I think.

What do you do?

Do you like to fuck girls?

I don't know.

Maybe you might catch me getting high or something or dropping some acid or whatever.

Do you fuck girls, though?

At any rate, have a Merry Christmas.

Don't lie.

You guys get done with it.

You masturbate.

That would be kind of cool.

You masturbate.

We're going to watch you masturbating now.

Right on.

Uh-huh.

All righty, man.

Hey, here's a girl

I was going to put Morgan on and talk about masturbating

Alright, well he's

He told you

He told me he doesn't jerk off since he was 19

Fucking liar

That's right, he outgrew that

Everyone jerks off, even RBCP jerks off

Oh no, no, I don't, I outgrew that when I was about 60

Liar

No, really

What were you just doing down on the camera?

Ever since then I've been knee deep in pussy

Help me

Lucky guy

Yep

Which guy is this?

The party you are trying to reach is unavailable

Please leave a message and someone will return your call as soon as possible.

Thank you.

Can I do the next one, Carly, then?

Yes, you may.

Are we going to do another one of these numbers you said?

Yeah, we can.

Hang on.

Yeah, I'd like a drone.

Lost drone.

The name is David.

You know what to do.

Okay.

Take off every zig.

Here we go.

Sorry if you guys hear purring.

Thank you for calling Earth Art Landscape Design.

Please leave a message and I will get back to you.

Earth Art.

Earth Fart.

What a dumb name.

On again.

Okay.

Okay. Well, do you think it's a business?

Yeah, you know, cell phone.

Whatever.

He thinks it's their business.

We're calling Earth Art Landscape Design.

Is that the fuck you button?

It sounds like it. Here's the lost quadcopter, then.

Okay.

Is your number this way?

Yeah, I think so.

I don't think so.

Yeah, it's the 209 number.

Oh, yeah, it's right before where it says $100 reward.

Here's the number. Do you not see that?

I got it, I got it.

Okay.

209, you said?

Yeah.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

It's alright, it's late on a special night.

I just read the other one, the one that's next.

Not an expensive drone, so no reward is offered.

Relying on the kindness of strangers.

Brad, you know I miss when the photo shops are still open.

Hello?

Are you the guy who had lost a quadcopter?

You posted an ad on Craigslist, I believe.

Did you lose a quadcopter?

Yes.

Okay, because I'm pretty sure that I actually have the quadcopter.

It's the one in the picture, right?

Yeah, it's almost just like that one.

Yeah, well, it doesn't exactly look like that anymore, unfortunately.

It looks like it, well, it's definitely been damaged.

There's like three of the propellers are broken off.

Yeah, I don't, if that's what it was supposed to look like, it definitely looks a little bit different.

It looks like it took quite a fall.

You're offering a reward, right?

I was, if that's one it is.

Yeah, well, like I said, it looks very similar to that.

And when my son found it, it was actually, because he posted it 17 days ago, right?

I posted it quite a while ago, yeah.

Yeah, my son found it about two weeks ago.

And it was only when we were looking for new parts for the drone that we actually came across this ad.

And we didn't really, you know, we didn't think to look on Craigslist when we first found it.

Yeah.

So we kind of put two and two together.

together um so yeah my son found it about two weeks ago when he was uh coming back from school

and so yeah we're looking for new parts i told him i couldn't find it yeah yeah he told me

i don't know exactly where he found it but yeah i told him he could have it because it's his

birthday coming up and you know we didn't see we went around and we looked for some like lost

posters for it but we didn't see any of those so yeah so don't worry about the reward i just wanted

to like at least you know now that you know it's been found but you don't need to worry about you

know the reward or anything um i just figured you'd like the peace of mind of knowing that it

it's been found and we're gonna you know my son just turned 12 and we're going to uh try to get

it fix it up and get it in good condition again do you happen to have the um like the remote for

it by chance that you might be willing to uh that is my personal bill so i built that from scratch

sorry i built that one from scratch that is uh not okay so yeah so you have a it's a special

remote then no i have a remote that uses all different stems for that okay was that the only

quadcopter they hear me but what i'm saying is like you won't need the remote though right

you have to have remote to fly that yes i know that's why i'm asking that's why i'm asking was

that the only quadcopter you have because no it isn't i have i have a bigger one but no that's

Okay, do you think you'd be, would you be willing to sell us the remote?

No, no, the remotes are expensive.

That quadcopter, that's why I offered a reward for that one, because that one's quite a value.

Well, I know, but how much is the remote?

Because you're offering, like, a $100 reward.

Yeah, the remote's almost $200, the remote.

Okay, hmm.

We could probably find one on, like, AliExpress or something, maybe, or at a hobby shop.

Hmm, okay.

Well, it's a lot more to it than just buying a remote.

Well, like I said, my fiancé, he's pretty good at technology stuff.

Well, I'd like to have the quad rotor back if that's possible.

Well, the thing is, like I said, my son, he just turned 12.

He's really into technology.

He's really into taking things apart and fixing things.

And it's been in his possession for two weeks.

And I feel like a horrible mother to take it back now.

He wouldn't understand that.

And the $100 isn't, you know, I can't get a decent drone for $100.

i told him for his birthday that i would pay to fix that up for him for a hundred dollars for

to have a remote on them that are uh better to learn on that one's not a learning drone that is

a advanced one it's an acrobatic one yeah well he's become really attached to it and him and

my fiance his stepdad they were going to work on it together as like a father-son prod you know a

project you have you have another one though right and you said the other one is more advanced

anyways right no that is my that was the one this one's broken like is the frame's not broken on it

well i'll have to look at it again but it appeared to be you know cracked and it's gonna take a lot

of work well i'm sure it's the same one i don't know how it would be the same one that's the one

piece friend that doesn't crack so well like i said it's up in his room right now i just know

the propellers there's propellers that are missing on it it didn't look like it was in all that great

shape i wasn't even sure that we'd be able to fix it but i have my fiance here if you'd like to to

speak with him about it but like i said like i my son's become really attached to this now so

unless you want to be the one to tell him that you're going to take away his drone and you know

that was part of his like birthday that we said we're going to fix it up for him well i said i'll

pay the i'll pay the reward for it if it's my drone because i'd like to have it back okay but

But like I said, $100 isn't even going to buy one of those Phantom ones.

He wants to buy a Phantom.

Well, he doesn't want a generic drone.

He's become very attached to this one.

Honey, can you come talk to this guy?

This is the guy who apparently, the drone that, yeah, here, come talk to him.

One second, I'm going to put my fiance on the phone with you.

Here, take the phone, Brad.

Hello?

Hey, how much is the drone itself worth, like if it weren't broken?

Because we fixed most of it.

If it weren't broken, a couple hundred dollars.

And that's just for that.

Oh, that doesn't make sense, because you said the remote's worth a couple hundred bucks.

So now you're just lying.

A remote is a whole separate different purchase, because that is a hobby-grade one that I built from scratch.

Okay, like how much do you think we could get for it on eBay?

It's not, it wasn't bought off eBay or anything.

Yeah, but how much would it be worth if we were to sell it on eBay?

I said, if you want to return it for the reward, please return it.

If not, not going anywhere.

were well no i'm just trying to figure out if it's worth doing the reward for or if we should

just keep it for our son or if ebay is the best option well if you know that somebody's somebody

was looking for a good thing to return well we found it finders keepers you know i'm just like

how much do you think it's worth really like don't lie this time like how much does it work

he's gone i'll call him back oh i'm sorry i remember no no no he didn't he was he was

he never even questioned it he just he knows that we have it

your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system he's too busy crying about

his drone that's okay the next guy is depending on the kindness of strangers i'm trying again

hang on while i grab the next number reno yeah your call has been forwarded to an automatic

voice message system okay here's the next one you see this guy's desperate supposedly freak

Freak accident sent drone quadcopter out of control.

Yeah, the other guy's drone was so fancy.

Why did he lose it?

Yeah, exactly.

And it wasn't even the most advanced one that he had, supposedly.

Well, to myself.

Note to you guys, supposedly drones are like the number one,

expected to be the number one Christmas gift of this year.

One of them.

Really big explosion in drone sales.

And now they have to register them all with the FAA.

yeah so what happened do you know i mean do you know what the deal was i know it was pending in

december i don't know what ended up happening you gotta you gotta pay him five dollars yeah i know

it's five dollars for like the first few months and then after that it goes up to 15 to register

it yeah i think it starts in february or something everyone every drone everyone after like christmas

is going to have to mandatorily do it now you guys they don't i think it's like a fifteen hundred

dollar fine or something like that shit it's gonna be like mandatory when you can fly you

right $1,500 fine really yeah if it's unregistered wow dude we got trouble with that shit over here

we got those things all over fucking here man there's people flying around cameras and shit

oh yeah there's like a massive thing going through the sky with propellers yeah

i heard it was a certain size it has to be because i've seen like some drones or like

like the size of a fucking shotgun.

I think it's like 18 inches or some shit like that.

It's not very big.

It's only like 18 inches or something.

It's not very big.

It can't be very big.

There's a really funny video of people at TGI Fridays,

I guess last year for Christmas, as a promotion.

They had this stupid idea to fly a drone around the restaurant

with a mistletoe, and so the worker at the restaurant

would fly it over a table.

And I guess there was a news station there doing a report on it,

and they actually got the news reporter right in the face,

clipped him in the face with the drone blade,

and it started bleeding.

Oh, God, here we go.

They actually got schools now,

and people are actually getting trained and certified

because they're going to make a thing into a business,

is what they're doing.

They've already got a school so that when they regulate this shit

and everybody can't fly them anymore.

This is what it would be like if we had flying cars.

You guys want your schools to comply and remote control and all that shit,

so we'll be able to do it.

Yeah, that's true.

The flying car thing, back in the future,

we'll make, what, 20 years or whatever.

They're already gambling on this.

that people are gonna they're gonna be regulated that people gonna up there's already a

school out there now yeah well after i said back to the future just like this like if you're

in the flying car and the just fucking shuts off whether you're gonna crash that's

fucking that's never gonna happen you remember back to the future too where uh george mcfly was

crippled and he was like hanging upside down yeah because the actor didn't want to be in the movie

yeah yeah but like in the novelization of back to the future too yeah like the reason he was

crippled is because a car fell on him oh i thought it was a golfing accident no no he said it happened

on the golf course but a car fell in the golf course okay and it was a golfing accident it

was a car fell on him that's funny yeah i think that'd kill him you know yeah yeah yeah

yeah but apparently well it was the actor when i told him this went to his head

right he's yeah something who knows different stories yeah anyway here's the next one roger

Hey, wait, one other thing, dude.

Have you guys seen these little thing called hoverboards or whatever?

They got two wheels, and they're, like, on the outside of your feet.

Yeah, those things, like, spontaneously combust.

Yeah, yeah, you can't fly them on planes.

You know, motherfuckers, dude, they've got some of them, when you plug them in to charge them, they fucking catch on fire.

They explode, dude.

Yeah, think about how many people have given those, like, kiss-miss-kiss.

It's fucking hilarious.

Yeah, whole houses have caught on fire.

Wow.

I don't know.

Yeah, dude, like, some of the models fucking catch on fire, dude.

Not all of them, dude.

It's because of, like, the really shitty Chinese-made, like, lithium ion.

That's what happens when people's cell phones explode.

I put it in a fucking bucket before I charged that son of a bitch up.

Because, like, hell, that son of a bitch would blow up.

It'd catch your whole house on fire, man.

Yeah, and they're banned from, like, all major airlines.

That'll regulate with time.

The same thing happened with laptop batteries about eight years ago.

Yeah, cell phones.

Yeah, cell phones, too.

That'll regulate.

Once the FAA says that it's a problem, it'll regulate.

And the FAA just announced it about a few weeks ago that you can't have those batteries, those devices on the plane because they'll spontaneously combust, etc., etc.

That'll self-regulate itself.

They have a chance to catch on fire because if the thing gets a dead short, the circuit gets so hot, the damn thing will melt the plastic around it because they're in the case of metal.

That fucking thing will get so hot, it'll actually ignite the plastic and other pieces of material inside the device.

So that's why those batteries are so dangerous, man.

man. They have a lot of energy in them.

Fucking right. All right. Yeah, you're right.

If you ever take a 9-volt battery, them little

square ones, just put a wire across that

fucker and then just grab it after about 30 seconds.

That son of a bitch will burn your hands so bad, man.

Yeah, they will heat up. You ever touch

one to your tongue, motherfucker?

Hell yeah, man.

That son of a bitch will glow red.

It'll burn you good, man.

Good fucking high. Yeah, hell yeah.

Roger. Who wants Roger?

Who lost a drone? Anyone else?

Is that for me? I mean, I'll take it.

Go for it.

Oh, fuck it, Eric.

It's your turn.

I'm going to screw it up, but here we go.

Did you say earlier it was your birthday, Carlito?

No, I was...

Well, the other thing, too, man, they're watching them laser strikes.

They got reverse laser tracking stuff.

They busted people for it here now.

Yeah, they'll shine lasers at helicopters and shit and planes, man.

That's fucking...

Yeah, dude, they've got reverse trackers now.

So anybody out there doing that shit, you better not do it no more.

I don't want to be on the fucking plane and some idiot fucking...

Dude, they do a reverse of it, just like a bullet shot.

Good they look at the trajectory of it and they fuck

The camera let's see they got shot they turn we can't be a flash the fucker slew right in over top of them

But the man yeah, fuck it. That's fucking bullshit. I don't want to be on a plane with some fucking redneck toothless

Yeah, I don't play the blazer now boys those days are over

Hate that laser fucking pen shit back in the day

You know the fuckers will blind you speaking of Star Wars and Han Solo dying

If you're looking under a 5-watt millilaser, a milliwatt laser, I mean, that's just like a little cheap-ass one.

The little red ones that you shine for the cats, they'll fucking blind you.

The other thing is you've got to watch out for your cat, too, because the reflection of that light into the cat's eyes can actually blind the cat, too.

And it can also make them actually, like, go crazy.

It can, like, set off, like, a neurological thing where some cats, they actually become obsessed with it.

Even after you take it away for long periods, they're still, like, always looking for it.

Aw.

That sounds awesome.

Definitely, that's kind of triggered their hunting response, but like, just like, if that light will, like, reflect on shining on you and go back to your eyes, it's the same thing as pointing it in your eyes.

It'll make them blind.

Yeah, don't, yeah, you cats, fuck it, don't shine that laser at people.

I don't recommend playing lasers with cats either, man, lasers are not for shining at people or animals.

Well, don't shine it at their eyes, but you can shine it on the floor.

Well, I mean, if you shine them at them, there's always a chance you'll get it in your eyes, that's what I'm saying, don't point it at people.

Well, you should shine it at the ground, that's all you gotta do, you shine it at the ground.

That's right.

You should learn to fucking shut their eyes when the laser's coming there.

motherfuckers anyway

they're fucking

there you go

if they die

you get another one

that's all you gotta do

pretty soon

we'll be able to clone them

so who

we get them cool ass

looking like

like uh

laser goggles

they wear

was that one dude

um

on the fantastic four

what was that

the guy had the glasses

and he takes them off

and like

they can just wear

like tanning goggles

the goggles you wear

when you go into

tanning booths

yeah that guy

that's x-men

but yeah

I hear what you're saying

yeah

you gotta have them

cool ass goggles

like that

if you're gonna play

at lasers

if you don't

and put them away.

Yeah.

Here's a different

lost quadcopter.

This is Tyson.

Mike Tyson.

Former heavyweight

champion of the world.

I'll take it.

Turn the barrel.

They sell ones

that will light a cigarette

out there now, man.

You have reached

the voicemail box

of 2086.

I don't know what it is,

but it'll shine.

You have reached

the fuck you number

and fuck you button.

I actually bought it

actually for a signaling device

whenever we was in

and you couldn't like

get people to like

to hear you

to get their attention.

You have reached the voicemail box.

It's all right, man.

Who do we have left?

That's the end of the drone numbers.

It's like almost 3 a.m. for me, and I'm super drunk.

Do we have any...

Oh, dude, I got those Parkman numbers.

That's right.

They're probably not going to pick up now, but I'll try a few of them.

This is a horse stool, right?

I said a horse stool earlier.

Horsey cat stool.

Nice.

Is that for, like, fucking horses?

If a horsey cat leaves a stool, is it like big round like a puddle or more like a little

log like a little kid?

I'm not sure.

I think it's just a stool that looks like a horse.

I'm going to go with it.

It's a shit full of horses.

Whoever owns a horsey cat will have to let us know what kind of stool they leave behind.

We're going to be wrapping up here soon because I got to get to the office on here and get

a stool sample.

Fuck this show.

Yeah, fuck this is a piece of shit show.

Morgan, are you going to do an after show still like you were talking about earlier?

Now that we've used up all your numbers?

No.

At 918-724-5198.

Oh my god, now Bookapoo's going to call that number.

Holy shit.

Crap, crap.

We've reached Jennifer Cones.

I haven't done a show in so long, there's like so much stuff I want to do, but A, I'm

drunk, too drunk to do it, and two, it's like, A, and two, and two, I'm like, it's super

late.

Yeah, we both haven't done a show since Prank's Giving, right?

Yeah, you haven't, I haven't.

No, I haven't.

I still haven't heard any of the Prank's Giving shows, I really need to catch up.

Yeah, they're up there, except for mine.

I haven't edited my show yet.

Two teddy bears.

We've been, like, silent pretty well since Thanksgiving, everybody has.

I can't imagine that.

Two teddy bears for sale.

You want two teddy bear, what?

Two teddy bears for sale.

Okay, two teddy bears.

Gotcha.

It's fucking crazy.

It was, like, 60-something, like, in the high 60s today here where I live.

It's, like, Florida winter.

Like, last year was super cold.

This winter was snowing and shit.

This year is like, I think I never moved out to Pennsylvania this year.

You're getting snow?

No, fucking, it's like hot as shit up here.

This person cannot be reached at the moment.

Brad's going to do an after show.

Cool, Brad.

I'm going to do at least three hours after this.

Everyone stay tuned.

I'm going to be competing with Mistress Morgan's show.

This next one has a snatch block.

Snatch block.

I don't know what the fuck that is.

Let me pull up that ad.

You want to.

Okay, now I can't even see the mouse.

So this is definitely less call than that because I'm way too out of it.

Sorry, everybody, but I'm waiting.

Just that whiskey thing?

That whiskey thing.

The bottle's almost done.

I drank almost a whole bottle of whiskey tonight.

And that's not my thing.

I really don't drink anymore.

Shit.

What did you drink it with, man?

Ice.

A little bit of ice, you know?

Oh, no soda or nothing?

No, fuck that shit.

I was like, you shouldn't drink...

The purist said you shouldn't drink ice.

Ooh, man, you're doing shots with me, huh?

Yeah, a little bit of ice.

That's it, that's it.

Not shots.

Just drinking glasses.

glasses uh here's this one but in the meantime the snatch a snatch block of what the fuck is

a snatch block snatch block over length one cable call whatever longer out bro that'll that'll get

you back to life i have low confidence that these calls are gonna pick up this late yeah hi you got

two teddy bears for sale hello i got the right number we got the right number oh good i got the

right number because this is super late on christmas and i gotta get a gift for my daughter

you have two teddy bears no sir i don't what do you mean you don't he told you i wanted to make

him fuck hey let me try him again he picked up once maybe he'll pick up again and bullshit that's

the right number so kiss my ass that's right oh he's this is a guy with a block see how see what

the problem is i'm drunk you get a snatch block for sale yes i got a snatch block for sale oh

Oh, good. Can you put them together and make them fuck?

threw that away i gotta pick up and i

threw it away what an uh here's a cow hood a cow hood like batman warriors wanted this guy

wants a cow hood an old guy picked up at 9 48 p.m good thing it's only like six hours later

let's see if he picks up now hey i want to thank you guys brad morgan dwight milkman and all of you

who hung out with me tonight thanks man man's and women thank you thank you it was fun especially

after we got mr smorgan off the air i don't write that fucking thing all right you want a nice gang

Do you have any more gym numbers that we didn't get to, Brad?

Yeah.

Well, did you call Eric or Omar?

Um, I don't remember an Omar.

Here, I'll send you my list.

Hey, how you doing, buddy?

You got a cowl hood?

What do you mean you don't?

Did you have it and you lost it?

What do you have for sale?

I like that, dude.

What?

What do you got?

Come on, man.

i know you're up because you have the the the dryer working over there according to this

information you got a cow hood for sale what do you got for sale then you

i confirmed the number i'm looking at it right now that's the right number uh what do we

got here number wise uh brad you you sent them to me okay all right so where did i leave off eric

think was the last one i called yes eric was the last one i called oh did you okay yes did he answer

uh uh we i know we got omar omar is the next one here let's try omar fuck it let's do it

we've been using the same color we've been using the same clarity all fucking night let's do it

omar yeah the ten maker yeah keep in mind i'm planning on doing a new year's eve show

i'm going anywhere everybody everyone stay tuned until new year's eve one week fuck yeah hello

hello omar hello omar i'm calling from planet fitness who's this hey this is eddie i'm calling

I'm calling from Planet Fretness.

From where?

Planet Fitness.

Okay, why are you calling me right now?

Well, we're having our holiday party and we're going through our video records for the week.

We have a complete...

Oh, fucking Christ.

I'm too drunk to do this, dude.

You're going to have to take over.

I'm calling from Planet Fitness.

We're going to have to do this.

If he picks up, apologize on my behalf and take over, Brad, please.

You have reached the voicemail box of

Sorry, 6 is not a rec-

6 is not a recognize.

I-

Here's Rene.

Why'd you push 6?

I don't know.

It said 6.

I didn't push anything.

Shit, damn it.

Um, maybe I did.

I don't know.

Rene, here's Rene.

I'm gonna cough.

How about one more glass of scotch?

Fuck it.

Let's do it.

Why not?

I'm taking off though soon.

Just so you know.

I got shit to do.

I got to load up the stockings and all that stuff.

Hi, this is Renee.

I'm unable to take your call at this time, so please leave me a message and I'll respond.

Man, that last guy was awake and shit, too.

And there's non-Christmas music playing now, by the way.

Is there really?

That's bullshit.

It's supposed to be Christmas fucking YouTube.

That is Christmas.

This is Jingle Ball.

I know for a fact.

This is who now?

Renee again.

Here goes Renee again.

Bye, Olga.

Bye, Olga, you old bitch.

Bye, Olga.

Hello? Hi, Renee?

Yes? Hi, I'm calling from

Planet Fitness. I'm going to trust you through to

Brad. He's sober. He's going to help you out.

Thank you very much. Hi, Renee.

This is Brad. I'm the manager here at Planet Fitness.

An assistant. Hello?

Shit, I had to say that shit. God damn it.

She fucking picked up

and I said some stupid shit.

Oh, try him or her again.

Try him or her again.

Yep, yep, yep.

Damn! Way to fuck it up, Carlito.

joven here's joven it's my fault she didn't hang up till i talked that's all right here's joven

if she picks up you take it because hello hi joven yes hey this is dave from planet fitness

hi what's going on oh nothing much you were here earlier today and um you didn't donate to the

needy children fund with the thing set up on the counter for the needy children okay how come i

didn't see it oh that's bullshit because it's been here all week you didn't see it all week

That's bullshit.

I'm just saying, you know, it's Christmas Eve.

You could donate to the needy children.

Why don't you think of someone besides yourself for a change?

Um, own family that I have to take care of right now and excuse you, but you don't know my financial situation.

If I was doing all that good, I wouldn't be going to no shitty $20 a month gym.

Oh, yeah, so you can afford the gym, but you can't afford to help the children?

It's $20, my friend, and you don't know what I've donated so far.

Oh, you're full of shit.

I've made donations to other places.

So how about you,

if you're wasting your energy and time

calling people, talking shit,

get out there and donate yourself and do something.

Oh, I donated.

I donated like 50 bucks to the needy children this year.

He's gone.

Oh, he's gone?

I'll call back. Don't worry.

Don't worry, Brad. I'll call back.

That was funny.

He's pissed off.

I'm just doing the same thing in every call.

It's just like my shows.

I only have one single idea.

Whatever works, man.

Stick to what works.

you have reached the voicemail box of four one five no he didn't um we'll try one more time

and then we'll the last one is phil phil vance thanks man yep vance refrigeration

he's not picking up because he's ashamed oh is he there hello hello yeah i can hear him breathing

cheap motherfucker motherfucker you fucking fucking piece of shit half a nig fucking piece

piece of shit he's got money for his weed but not for the children oh he heard me say half a day

good that's what zappos says i felt it burnt them phil vance here we go with vance refrigeration

hell yeah phyllis's husband there we go well mr smorgasbord yeah hi hi i'm just uh tucking in

and wanton.

Spidey smelly cat?

Yes.

He smells good.

Weirdly good.

Musky?

Yeah.

Very musky.

It's a very odd smell.

It's unlike anything else, really.

Please leave your message for six.

One more prank call, man.

Do one more.

You can do it.

Try that again.

If not, we'll just call a fucking random number.

I don't give a shit.

Please leave your message for six.

Five.

Zero.

Two.

Seven.

Man, fuck you.

Here's a mobile gas station.

Fuck it.

Lennon Dow, call the gas station, alright?

Brad, hip!

Yeah, hip.

Hip, hip.

Hip, hip, hip.

Did I clap correctly, or?

Pretty gas good enough, man, for a white guy.

I can barely hear you, what?

That's good, that's good.

Oh, thanks.

West Hollywood Mobile, can I help you?

Yeah, hello, Bhenchod.

I'm calling about gasoline.

Pay your pardon?

Yeah, I'm calling about Bhenchod gasoline.

Ben?

Bhenchod.

What?

Bhenchod.

Chod?

Chod.

as in fucking Ben's

sister sister fucking

Bhenchod you know what I mean

alright here's the next one

maybe the same one I don't know

I don't know what the fuck's going on over here

you guys can drop out anytime you want I don't know

I know I'm being a fucking asshole

why does it not go

I'm hitting enter

have you bought any

hardware stuff for Asterix yet

where you can put extensions and stuff

no you can do that

yeah you didn't know

No?

No.

Yeah, super cheap.

Like a little Linksys phone router.

It's like $30.

Oh, wow.

Oh, I've got to tell you all about this stuff.

That's how I've got all my answering machines hooked up.

A Linksys router.

Okay, cool.

So what does it do?

How does it go?

It just hooks up to your home network.

You don't have to hook it up to your Linux computer.

You just put it on your network.

You configure it, and it rings your phones if you want it to.

Oh, cool.

Yeah, it's awesome.

That sounds all right.

right if i was in the telephony i'd be into it like you but yeah man that's cool yeah it sounds

like a good idea though that way i can have like incoming calls and shit you know yeah i got like

a desk phone and i just like this week i got the little panel that has all the lights on it that

shows me which extensions are which are busy and ringing and stuff i've got like a little light

that shows me when the n is using his his phone at his house oh the n yeah are you on tiny chat

right now uh yeah i am yeah yeah check it out let me see the atonich let me look at the tag

yes i see you have a via phone there isn't it sexy yeah it is dude i want one of those how do

you fucking get that you get on ebay and shit yeah yeah well i got an amazon oh yeah that's

cool so then you it gives me a boner whenever i look at it that's fucking cool the end's listening

because he just picked up his phone it looks like a red light yeah at the end yeah look at that

there's the end's red light kick him off hit the extension here i don't know why i even gave him

an extension you shouldn't fuck that guy what was i thinking how can i help you yeah hi i'm calling

regarding your gasoline sorry i'm calling regarding your gasoline oh for the gasoline guy

oh okay so i mean uh what do you want yeah yeah it's a bhenchod hello sorry can you please repeat

bhenchod bhenchod is that it's a sister fucker bhenchod you know what i mean you know what that

That is?

For Tobacco Benson?

Yeah, no, Bhenchod.

Bhenchod.

Are you Indian?

No, no, no.

Where are you from?

I'm from a country beside India.

That's disgusting.

Damn it.

Disgusting people is where you're from.

You're fucking dirty people, motherfucker, you.

Why don't you go to hell, huh?

Go to hell, you motherfucker.

Do that.

That's my order.

I'm from the corporate office, and you go to hell.

Yeah.

Hip.

Take that.

Yeah, motherfucker.

fucker hip hip hip hip hip hooray command you to hang up the phone all right bye asshole brad

how soon do you have to go why and why do you have to go what's that about uh mainly because

i want to sleep i'm sorry it's okay because i was gonna go extra innings but if you gotta go

yeah well you know i don't know i i want to get up early and stuff and why for presents i don't

That's cool.

I was thinking about calling more businesses, but I have to take a break in order to do that.

So you'd have to, like, run the show for a little bit.

First, like, five minutes.

Can you, like, do a call?

Can you do that?

Yeah, I can do five minutes.

Can you do a call real quick?

I'll go to the bathroom.

I'll come back, and then I'll come back.

Yeah.

That's a great idea.

I'll be right back.

All right.

We'll make a pee-pee.

It's time for the best part of the show, everyone.

Yeah, when Brad takes over.

Yay.

Okay, is he gone?

Is he gone?

Wait, I have to make the calls?

I didn't know I had to make the calls.

I thought he was going to make the calls.

I can't reach it. You're going to have to do it, bro.

Here. I think this will work.

If anyone calls any of my answering machines,

they can see the lights light up now in tiny chat.

Hi, this is Megan. Leave me a message.

I'm trying to call Target portrait people,

but it's probably not going to work out.

Hi, this is Megan.

God, my numbers suck.

Please leave your message for 3, 8, 5.

It's going good so far.

Hang in there.

Hi, this is Trina. Can't come to the phone right now.

Now, if you'll leave your name, number, and a brief message, I'll call you soon.

All right, last one.

People don't know that stupid stuff.

I know.

Fucking people sleeping at night.

What the hell are they, man?

They're missing the show.

This is the show of the century.

This is the show of the year right here.

I know.

The very last, well, the second to the last Carlito show on PCN.

This is like a big wave flip off.

Carlito?

Hey.

Please leave your message for...

It didn't go well, Carlito.

We've been making the answering machines light up on everybody's house.

That's fine.

Dude, that's fine.

fine that's that's yeah brad got this new machine made in pages that's all i asked for brad that's

all i asked for um brad you go whenever you need to go okay buddy don't well yeah i think i'm gonna

take off right now all right asshole bye see you bye it was fun thanks for having me on and

everything merry christmas brad merry christmas you and your family brother thank you for all

the laughs we love you man brad seriously thanks for being on man i'll talk to you later man

Yeah, sure. It was great.

Merry Christmas to you both.

Not Mistress Morgan, though, because she's Canadian.

Christmas there.

Sorry, Mistress Morgan.

Alright, see you. Brad's gone.

Bye.

Here is a 24-hour something.

A 24-hour Barbara Lee's

kitchen.

You kind of sound far away. Is there something with your mic

or is it just my hearing? I'm drunk.

I can barely hear you.

I should have another scotch, but I shouldn't.

The bathroom.

What? 24-hour Barbara Lee's kitchen in some kind of restaurant, similar to Waffle House.

Okay.

Is something going on with your audio, dude? Because it sounds very low.

It sounds fine to me.

Yeah, you're crazy.

Oh, okay. Okay, still, I'm on the phone. Never mind. Sorry.

Check your ear hearing aid.

Morgan, are you going to do an after show?

No, definitely not.

No, I have to make a video.

No, not that kind of video.

Please enter your remote access code.

Christmas video, yay.

no no it's a feminist trolling video sorry i'm probably should ask very offensive what i just

implied 24 hour we buy ugly houses yay

what i'm drunk we're gonna please don't get offended what i say how often have you ever

seen me get offended i don't know what your house looks like i don't know no i very rarely get

Thank you for calling HomeVestors.

If you have a house to sell, press 1 now.

If you recall...

Press 1 now.

It's fucking ugly house.

It's that kind of fun, Dicker.

Followed by the pound sign.

Or visit www.webuyuglyhouses.com

and fill in the sell a house form online.

Do what? Pound sign? What?

Did he leave a message, was it?

I don't know what's going on here.

I'm sorry, I did not get a response to the last question.

Please try again.

To properly direct your call,

please enter the five-digit zip code for the property you have for sale

followed by the pound sign or visit www.

I'm sorry, I did not get a response to the last question.

Please try again.

The zip code you have entered is not valid.

To properly direct your call, please enter the five-digit zip code for the property you have for sale, followed by the pound sign.

I hit an extra digit.

Shit.

The zip code you have entered is...

Please stay on the line while your call is...

My go-to zip code, 90210.

Yeah.

So, uh, Wonton uses the lizard fucking...

Yes.

Oh, poor guy.

Yeah, he uses a lizard heating pad.

Oh.

How cold is it cold up there?

I mean, obviously, but how cold is it?

well it's just he's always cold you know yeah if he's not on the heating pad he has to be like

on top of me and underneath a blanket he just like burrows thank you for calling home investors

america's number one home or else he snuggles with the other cats selling your home we would

love to speak with you but we are currently on the other line so please leave your name

and phone number and we will call you back as soon as we can fucking lie to me that you're

on the other line you're not on the other fucking line you're just not fucking taking

calls. I hate that shit.

God damn.

Here's Sweep All.

Sweep All?

Sweep All. What's that?

Street.

Crillini. Truck.

Third shift supervisor line.

The suggestion is

that we tell them

that we are the property

manager for Mall Street Matthews.

Tell them that we

just did a shit job and left

a bunch of garbage all over the place.

Alright, I'll do exactly what you said.

park man because yeah oh we have another canadian in tiny chat i see by the dairyland milk that

they're drinking go canada more specifically go bc

but the prettiest sight is the holly that will be

man it's you pointing out that i said an hour ago one more call

milk in bags is only a east coast canadian thing i don't think i've actually ever seen milk in bags

in my life i think on the east coast that's how they buy their milk it's like really creepy and

weird it's in like a plastic bag like a yeah disgusting instead of a carton yeah it's fucking

gross. Disgusting people. Hi, Deanne. Alright, here's an idea. Let's call it Waffle House. Yeah, Waffle House. Very Christmas-y to me. Next. I managed to track down the Waffle House that, you know, Dylan Roof, that guy who shot up that church in West Virginia? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I managed to find, I guess, like, the woman he was staying with when he did the shooting in this trailer park. She works at a Waffle House, and I tracked down that specific Waffle House. What happened there? It was in West Virginia, I believe. He was that guy

guy that shot up like that black church.

No, tell me the town.

The black church.

Uh, it was in Charleston.

Huh?

Charleston.

Was it in Carolina or something?

Charleston, South Carolina.

Oh, Charleston.

I knew it.

I've been there.

Isn't that West Virginia?

No.

Yeah, yeah.

I used to see a lot of rock and roll there, man.

South Carolina.

Well, there's two Charlestons, isn't there?

No, but I thought it was South Carolina.

No, there's only one in West Virginia.

No, I know there's only one in West Virginia.

I could've sworn it was in South Carolina, but yeah, you're right.

Yeah, there's another one in South Carolina, but that's like where they killed all them

people.

There's a Waffle House.

Um, that's fucking shit.

This is a Waffle House.

You know what they do.

What, what?

Should I be mine and you can't share?

No, I was right.

It is actually.

It was in South Carolina.

Yeah, hi.

I don't want waffles, but I don't want fucking honey.

I want fucking syrup.

Sure, we got all of that.

Because I'm fucking Canadian.

I'm sorry?

I'm fucking Canadian.

And I don't want any black people touching the waffles.

Well, I can't really help you with that one.

Wow, how many black people work there?

All staff tonight.

That's disgusting you're talking to one right now. Is there a way that you can bring in like a white staff member?

We can pay extra

No, I'm sorry

Your wonderful Christmas you bleach your skin

Sorry, I jumped in there

That's fine

She was pretty nice

Bless her

Oh my god

Alright, here is the next Waffle House

Is it like all black people typically that work at Waffle Houses?

Uh, it's

There's a high, yeah

I've never experienced like a Waffle House in my life

Oh, yeah, well I guess you wouldn't

Waffles and chicken, man, that's shit

One day, it's on my bucket list

list of things to do it's actually i mean people talk shit about waffle house i've been drunk at

waffle house way more than denny's but i've spent a lot of drunk evenings at a waffle house dude

fucking great shit dude like is it like lower quality than denny's yeah oh yeah oh yeah oh

yeah definitely but the food's fucking good i don't give a shit this one time i started drinking

the they put salsa on every single table like mexican salsa and i started drinking straight

out of the bottle it's pretty funny i started choking on it that was a good night thank you

yeah this one time i was there at your waffle house i'm sorry you got the wall you're the

waffle house you got the salsa on the table you know what i mean the salsa you know you have

how can i help you you know how you have the salsa on the table yeah well this one time i was

I was drinking, like, eating straight out of the salsa bottle.

Okay, sir, I understand.

You've been drinking tonight, too, haven't you?

Well, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You sure?

Shut the fuck up.

I was drinking straight out of the salsa bottle, and my girlfriend was...

Did you just tell me to shut up, sir?

No.

Um, you sure?

No, I would never say that.

I'll tell you what.

Just come on to my house and see me on Headphone Road, okay?

You have a Merry Christmas.

I don't know what you said.

What the fuck did she just say?

So listen, this one time...

Morgan, this one time I was drinking

straight out of the salsa bottle and my girlfriend

was in the car.

What was she doing in the car?

The car was right in front of the window that I was sitting in.

And she started

cracking up because I started choking on the salsa.

Why was she not in the restaurant with you?

She's a fucking cunt.

A fucking Stephanie bitch.

I fucking dumped her.

I fucked her one night and I fucking dumped her.

Wow, the house feels so raw.

Yeah, I like to make an order.

I'm sorry, we're not taking the goat order.

You fucking, you black fucking cunt, fucking nigger, fucking cunt, fucking bitch.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

You feel that way.

No, I don't feel that way.

I just say that when I'm drunk.

Oh.

But I don't feel that way.

What kind of fur hat are you wearing today, ma'am?

Come in here and call me that.

I'm not a racist.

Come to Waffle House.

Have a good night, man.

I'm not a racist.

I love being in the house.

Oh, shit.

Here's a different Waffle House.

Look at Milkman laughing at the racist jokes.

You see what I mean?

You see how he is?

I told you, Morgan, that's Secret Channel.

Come on in, come on in.

I thought Milkman was black the longest time.

Do you know how many people said that Milkman, they thought he was black this whole time?

Like, for a good nine months, I thought he was black.

Oh, my God!

I'm trying to be a Wap House. I'd like to try All-Star.

Hey, boy! I'd like to make an order, please.

Hello?

I'd like to make an order.

Can I go ahead?

Yeah, I'd like one eggs. You know where this is going.

I'd like one eggs, please.

And, hey, one order of eggs.

How you want them?

Cooked.

Scrambled, over-wheeled, over-medium.

Make them heat.

Hot eggs.

I can't hear you.

Put some oil on the griddle and put the eggs on the hot griddle with eggs.

The fucking hot eggs on the griddle.

Hello?

Hey, boy, how you doing?

I'm not a boy for once, sir.

What can I get for you?

Oh, hey, woman, how you doing?

Let's make them order.

My name is Cynthia.

Oh, hey, woman.

Let's make them order.

My name is not woman.

Well, I'm from the South, and this is how we talk.

I'm a non-woman.

Well, the insides of there are pretty cool.

By the way, fuck you.

They keep answering, John.

I'm having fun with you.

By the way, fuck you, Microsoft, with your pushing a Windows update on fucking Christmas

Eve.

What the fuck do you think?

I got a fucking show to do, motherfucker.

Hey, Hermano, let me explain to you.

Have you heard the news that there's a military release XP, and there's updates for XP now?

There's a military release for it?

No, I didn't know about that.

Yeah, Microsoft just released a military version for the military with updates.

So, I guess because, you know, all that old hardware out there, you know?

That's a shame, man.

Everyone needs to upgrade and move up to the fucking Windows.

Anyway, man, I would love it.

I love XP, too, man.

Anyway, if you

hear anything, let

me know if there's

any updates or you

find out anything.

You usually hear

about that shit.

Why wouldn't

anyone want to

stay on XP?

I mean, there

are XP this, XP

that, but at least

go to Windows 7,

man.

XP, dude, you

can run it for

nothing, man.

Yeah, but 7, you

can run it for

nothing, dude.

7 is a very

stable OS, extremely

as stable as XP.

7's not bad, but

XP is so much

more compatible

with both

programs.

No, no, no,

no, no.

Come on, now,

people like you

How many do you try to run in and say in XP mode

They don't work dude

When the fuck did XP come out

XP fucking came out in 2001 motherfucker

You want me to say fucking XP

Yeah but it was updated clear up until what

Get out of here

Get out of here with your fucking XP bullshit

Get out of here with that shit

That fucking XP

Get out of here

Fucking Windows 7

At the very least Windows 7

The fuck out of here with that shit

If you're buying on anything, let me know, man.

I run Windows 2000.

Fan joke.

XP.

This is Chelsea.

How can I help you?

I'd like to make an order.

How are you doing, honey baby?

I can barely hear you.

I want to make a fucking order.

How are you doing, honey baby?

Oh, I'm good.

Thank you.

Oh, good.

How big are your labia right now?

Hold on just a second, okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you go check.

Go ahead.

I miss your shows, man.

It's great.

Great. That's good stuff.

Okay, sorry about that. What would you like?

Hey, honey, baby. How you doing?

First of all, how you doing? Merry Christmas.

How you doing, honey, baby?

Did you say how am I doing?

Yeah, how you doing, honey, baby? Merry Christmas.

Um, good. Thank you. How are you?

Did you get a Christmas gift?

Because I got a bottle of Calvin Klein Euphoria.

I'll give you that if you need a Christmas gift.

I can barely hear you.

I got a bottle of Calvin Klein Euphoria.

If you didn't get a Cal Christmas gift,

I'll give it to you when I come there to pick up my order.

Hello? Here we go. Here we go.

The silent treatment. Hello?

I'm sorry. I can't understand you.

Alright. Fuck everything else.

Can I make an order, please?

She's being difficult, honey.

Yeah, she is. Fucking cunt.

Not you. The other girl. Hello?

Yeah, you can make an order. I'm just having a hard time hearing you.

I also want to let you know, you're the cunt.

Not the girl. I was just saying a sad thing.

Hello? I'd like to make an order, please.

Okay.

Alright. First of all, I need one eggs.

Okay.

Okay. Okay. There you go.

How do you want it cooked? With heat.

I'm sorry? With heat.

Okay. Scrambled with cheese? Yeah.

One. No. No. One eggs with

heat. One eggs scrambled with cheese?

With heat. Heat.

Heat. To eat.

I'm sorry. I can't hear you on the phone.

Heat. He said

he wants one egg with heat.

Open up your ears.

Thank you, Mark. With cheese.

With heat. Fucking

Bitch fucking blackguard

I think the weave is in the way

Ma'am do you have your listening cap on

Nobody's had a fucking problem to hear me

All night except for this fucking mignon

I don't have a problem hearing

Oh fuck you fuck you then

No you do have a problem hearing

Alright I need an order of hash browns

Okay

I need them covered

Smothered

Hooked

Divided

Chopped

Diced

Salted

Peppered

Removed

Segregated

Combined

Integrated

Oiled

Individualized

Revolutionized

Suppressed

Revolutionized again

Conquered

Integrated

That's about it.

Do you want those all the way?

I've only caught a few toppings on that.

Alright, you want them to start from the beginning?

I got covered, diced, topped.

Smothered.

Smothered?

smothered

hey lady how dark is your skin

is that why you're not understanding me

see what I mean Morgan when he's a fucking nigger

well I think the weed

might I don't know it might be restricting

circulation in her head or something

no it's their fucking black blood

or it could be that

Morgan I know you're on my level when it comes to racism

when I get drunk right

oh yeah

I mean I gotta get drunk to get to Morgan level

but I'm fucking racist sometimes

hello

Hello?

Is there a white person I can talk to who might understand the English language?

I'm white.

Get the fuck out of here!

I am.

Well you're a fucking race traitor then!

You fucking bitch.

Did you say I'm racist?

Hello? I am racist, yeah, and I'm ordering eggs.

Oh, okay.

Oh, okay, oh, okay.

Alright.

Here's another Walfage.

You stay in the line, honey baby.

You stay in the line as long as you want.

You hang up when you want.

You fucking, fucking...

Uh, Walfage, I'm here to help you.

Yeah, hey, I wanted to make an order.

Asshole.

I would like to make an order, please.

Okay.

One hash browns.

A hash brown.

I would need them doubled.

I'm sorry, what?

Doubled.

Doubled what?

The hash browns.

A double hash brown.

Smothered.

Covered.

Mm-hmm.

Diced.

Peppered.

Divided.

Roast.

Roasted.

Completed.

Excuse me?

I need them roasted.

Divided.

All right.

Right. Talk to that when you know exactly what you want, okay?

I'm giving you the fucking order, you fucking bitch.

Fucking asshole.

Calling a rape fucking bad, because I know what I fucking want.

You know what I want.

Morgan knows exactly what I'm talking about.

I know, because Morgan's on my level. She can't stand these black people.

Fuck yeah.

Morgan, it's on you. If I'm out of control, you need to tell me something.

It's not up to me.

I can't.

Love, that's what we do.

Yo, yo. We'd like to make an order.

We'd like to make an order, please.

Alright.

My husband's gonna go with the order, so do you have your listening cap on?

Okay.

Come on.

Hey, boy.

Are you there?

Hello.

Hi there.

What just happened?

I was in the middle of a sentence and that guy who answered the phone just left.

I don't know, somebody had called being kind of rude earlier, is this the same

phone call?

This is the first time I've called in.

Huh?

This is the first time I've called in and quite frankly it's you guys that are

being rude to me not the other way around i've never called indigo being rude i thought he was

calling back i apologize what can i get for you ma'am um well uh we would like to make an order

please for takeout go ahead i'm i'm listening okay uh honey do you want to what did you want

to order i want some eggs you'd like some eggs please some eggs how would he like three orders

three orders of eggs cracked and hot yeah huh three three orders cracked and hot is that okay

Okay, hon, cracked and hot?

Yeah, crack the egg and then the egg, the yolk.

Okay, we do crack the egg to cook them.

Like, how do you want them cooked, though?

I don't want any black people to touch it.

You don't want any black people cooking your food?

Is that possible?

So I'm being rude now.

Okay.

That's not rude.

That's a preference.

You sound like an angry old drunk, but Armando, your audio on the phone level.

Come on.

It sounds fine to me.

Milkman, check your phone.

Check your phone.

I mean, it's like really hard to hear.

Well, I can't hear you.

I don't know.

I don't hear anybody now.

Oh, man.

Come on, man.

Come on now, Milkman.

No one else is mentioning it, I don't think.

Yeah, Milkman, come on, man.

How are sounds, guys?

You guys are...

Yeah, seems to be fine.

Those guys don't know shit.

Milkman, thank you for letting me know.

Well, you guys said that.

I think that's what that lady is because the volume's low.

Who knows what her problem is, Milkman, to be honest with you.

Dude, this is the best idea.

Yeah, look up Pudding Carolina Waffle House.

She's got a fucking thousand of them.

Here's another one.

Here's the next Waffle House on the list.

Here we go.

Morgan, do you want to take one from the beginning?

No, I'm not a Waffle House gal.

You're not a Waffle House gal?

Come on.

Mm-mm.

I do have the Waffle House that Dylan Storm Roof person...

Yeah, here.

I'll put it in the sky.

Okay. And I have her name as well, so you can ask for her.

Your Scott's number 15 or something.

Now I can't hear you, Carlito.

Here's a new Scott.

Yeah, let's make an order.

I can't do Collins after 12, but you're more than welcome to come in and place it.

Well, you're a fucking bitch.

Yeah, so?

Yeah, you know it.

Hello?

I don't give a fucking fuck can't do Collins after 12 o'clock.

What's the rule? Why does that happen after 12 o'clock?

Oh, the fucking vampire's calling us as well.

All right, here's the next one, then.

let's see this the one up the street calls takes fucking orders after 12 o'clock

i'm way too drunk you sure you don't want to do an after show morgan you were all about doing

an after show like i was i didn't i thought you guys were doing like a you know two or three hour

show has it been that long how long i've been on a long time it doesn't feel like it feels like we

haven't done we've done shit for calls oh come on connect now i can't hear you very well i'm just

I'm trying, I'm trying.

I put in that Waffle House in the Skype machines.

These Waffle Houses are pretty good.

I think what you should do, Carlito,

is, considering how drunk you are,

I think it would be really funny to pretend you're calling from Waffle House corporate

and see if you can get them to believe you.

Yeah, you'd be the end boss from the Christmas party.

Who is it?

I'm so used to hearing Lama's calls.

You already sound like an angry old drunk.

Their head office is somewhere in Georgia, I think.

Probably, that sounds about right.

So, Morgan, Ms. Morgan.

Mr. Morgan, rather.

um what is the deal with this wonderful house i'm calling nothing in particular but um well

yeah um kim that where it says kim that's the woman who dylan storm roof the guy who shot up

that church in south carolina he was staying with her in her trailer with her kids she works here

yeah and she works there and he was like living with her at the time that he committed

down here call again later what was that oh nothing i just x dialed an extra one okay this

is gonna this has to be my last car jesus busy the phone line is busy it's okay don't worry

morgan we can call there in this little bit uh let me go up the coast here see if i can find

another waffle house and i do have another one that's already on hand that's like the next

closest one to that if you want this is waffle house number 632. but seriously this has to be

because i'm a little plastered did you drink scotch at all you know you're a scotch drinker

do you drink at all i mean are you a drinker you don't uh no not really i maybe like get

really drunk like maybe once a year and i'll drink like maybe once every few months that's me

and this is my one night yeah i'm not really so much into it i do like my drugs though yeah but

you do that dxm stuff and all that shit i can't do that i don't do dxm i did ghb from time to time

Okay, big difference

Is there a big difference? I don't know

GHB

GHB, I don't even know what that is

GHB is like the date rape drug

Oh my god, no, don't do that

No, it's like

There's a stigma that is

Unfair, because it's a lot of fun

You just can't do too much

What if you wake up and you rape yourself?

Then I guess I would have had a pretty good night

Fuck yeah

Morgan, I don't know what's going on

I think I'm dialing it wrong because I'm drunk

not because it doesn't go uh well uh it went in without a one so without a one would it help if

i added a one there it is with a one well i put the one oh but there's no plus ahead of it so

there you go with a plus and a one no no no you should just be able to click that if you're on

a windows machine i took care of the the parentheses boom boom fuck yeah i got it

what's this this is the neighbor of the thing yeah okay and then yeah and then i'll go back

Back to Dylan for whatever.

North American Place, may I help you?

Hey, what's up?

You got, uh, can I make an order, please?

Say that one more time, honey.

What?

Say that one more time.

Can I make an order?

You gotta be quiet, honey.

Can I make an order?

Can I make a, can I make an order?

Good, yeah, I'd like one, uh, eggs.

Alright, do you know where, um, the one across from I-20 and McDonald's and Bojangles?

What the fu, what are you talking about?

What?

And she said it was the one by Bojangles.

That's the one we want.

Yeah, can I make an order, please?

Yeah, this is the Waffle House spot on number six by Bojangles.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, man.

That's it, boy.

All right, what can I get for you?

Hey, boy, I'd like to make you an order.

I'd like one eggs.

I'm sorry, you're fading in and out.

Can you repeat that for me?

An order of eggs.

An order of eggs?

Yeah.

How do you want those eggs cooked?

With heat.

Excuse me?

Heat.

Hello?

Heat.

Make them hot.

Heat.

I'm sorry, I'm having a hard time understanding you.

I don't know if it's the phone or something.

I'm sorry.

No, I'm drunk.

I'm drunk, I'm drunk, I'm drunk.

He wants them not raw, like hot, cooked with heat.

Yeah, hot.

Make them cooked with the heat.

I'm hot.

Here, I'm going to let you talk to my supervisor.

He might be able to help you.

No, no.

Fucking asshole.

You stay on the phone.

Just put your listening ears on and your thinking cap on.

How can I help you?

Hey, boy, I'm drunk, and I'm trying to make an order.

Yeah, it's cool, it's cool, man.

That's what we're here for.

All right, fucker.

I'd like to make an order for eggs.

All right, all right.

Watch the language.

All right, asshole.

You there?

Yeah, one order of eggs.

All right, how do you want the eggs?

Cooked.

Well, no, I got that part.

Oh.

You want them scrambled then?

Yeah, no, with heat.

Huh?

Heat.

Cooked with heat.

You put oil, like you spray the oil on the griddle and you put the eggs on the...

Cook our eggs in a pan.

Yeah, like that.

There you go.

Yeah.

So you want them scrambled or you want them fried?

No, I need them cooked.

Oh, you want them cooked all the way, over well?

No, over heat.

Over easy.

Heat!

Over heat.

overheating i got that part good i need to order hash browns okay all right i need them covered

smothered diced are you getting all this yeah hooked divide divided conquered conquered how

many plates you want that divided into four cooked okay divided hovered elongated suppressed yeah and

then i want you yeah i want to make this order over the phone i'm going to give you one more

Yeah, I want you to suppress them like the black man's been suppressed for the last four hundred years.

Well, I hate to say it, but you're going to have to come in and order if you want to make an order.

Are you a black or are you a white?

Oh, that's disgusting. If you're black, I don't want the food at all. You know, you can just cancel it.

I guess you don't need to come in.

Oh, I guess you're black then, you fucking darky.

Man, I get racist when I'm drunk. I don't know.

That was funny, too.

I get drunk when I'm racist.

Hey, when you came back from that break, your audio was like, have you like run over your microphone cord right now?

No, Milkman, I'm just drinking and I'm talking in and out of the microphone like I can't.

Oh, okay.

I'm trying to talk into the microphone.

Milkman, listen to me.

I'm trying to talk into the microphone as best as I can, but I fuck up a lot.

And I'm just being honest.

Are you like swaying from side to side a little bit?

A little bit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's understandable.

Okay, you're weaving in and out of the mic.

Like, now I understand.

I thought something happened to your audio.

Now I understand.

You're buzzing.

And you know how it is with Morgan.

Is there a PHP, PHG, whatever it is?

GHB.

So what does that make you feel like?

Is it an upper or a downer?

It's kind of like a weird mixture of both.

Like, if you take, obviously if you do too much, then you're completely out.

And, like, someone could, like, throw you in a lake and you wouldn't even wake up.

Like, you're, like, essentially, like, dead.

um but if you do like just the right amount which is only like 2.5 to like 5 milligrams so like

a coca-cola bottle cap worth um it makes you super super horny and kind of like a drunk feeling but

way better and just like zero inhibitions and like you just don't give a fuck about anything

and you're super happy and like it's great well morgan what is that shit ghb it's like very like

like euphoric and um thb ghb it's like the orgy maker the date rape drug you know what the ghb

you know the stuff you slip into girls drinks when you're dating yeah but even if you don't

is that better than x yeah yeah like if you give like a tiny bit of that to a girl like you're at

a party with or whatever like sex is definitely happening and an orgy is quite probably happening

like guaranteed

isn't that stuff

dangerous though

well

just everything's

dangerous

walking outside

is dangerous

driving your car

driving a taxi

is dangerous

I don't know

much about it

if you drink

too much water

it's pretty dangerous

man

you can choke

yeah

well if you drink

water it's pretty

dangerous too

yeah

you just gotta be

safe and know

what you're doing

and enjoy it

responsibly

here's one last

fucking number

here's

uh is this really the last one i guess i don't know what i'm saying now but

it's not dialing it's not dialing am i doing it right do you have the plus sign no i don't need

the plus sign i have spaces i can't have spaces i know how funny it is to say that

spaces chicken with spaces yeah

you're open 24 hours how can i help you hey sexy why do you say you're open 24 hours what

Why would you say that?

I'm sorry?

Why do you say you're open 24 hours?

What's that about?

We're open 24 hours.

Yeah, no shit.

You're Waffle House.

Can I...

You want a place to go order?

Yeah.

One moment, please.

Okay.

Can I get food?

I'd like one hash browns.

I need them covered, smothered, doubled, hash.

I'm sorry, you said smothered and covered?

Smothered, covered, doubled, hash, divided, conquered, salted, peppered, cheese, divided.

Onions, cheese, peppers, what else are on the side?

Onions, peppers, water, Coca-Cola, salsa, ham, cheese, bacon, sausage.

Yeah, put some pancake mix on it and mix it up a little bit.

Fry it after you do that.

Make it into a ball.

Fry it.

Put some tequila on it.

A little bit of lime and salt.

But I want the salt on the side this time, motherfucker.

What?

I'm sorry, sir?

Tequila?

Tequila!

Well, you're a fucking bitch cunt.

That's what I fucking said.

I didn't stutter.

You did stutter, you fat fuck.

Yeah, well, fuck you, fat fuck.

How does she know?

Fucking bitch.

I'm Jack Masterson.

She's smart.

She probably knows who I am.

Actually, that's the one that's local to me here.

That's funny.

She don't realize it's an improved air mono,

but she also thought you was the Jack Master.

Yeah, I lost 50 pounds until this week.

I fucking ate the shit out of some food.

The new improved air monitos.

what i said man i ate a lot of shit this shit food this week man well that's all right you'll

take a big shit and you know and you only like keep a couple pounds of it in you unless you

keep doing that every night yeah who gives a shit i ate some chinese tonight yeah morgan eat that

chinese food or you're not into that oh no i'm totally into chinese food yeah what do you like

that bowl of spare ribs what do you like that one i'm really into like totally americanized

chinese food yeah wanton no like uh butter or what's that those chicken balls lemon balls

Balls, chicken, you know.

You don't know what you're talking about.

Here's another Waffle House.

Yeah.

What are those called?

Like lemon chicken balls.

Yeah, that's it.

That's it.

Yeah.

Hey, we'll order that.

And egg foo young.

That shit's good.

Yeah, that's it.

That too.

Hey, we'll order all that.

All that for you.

Morgan, this one's for you.

No, no, no.

I can't do Waffle House.

Hello?

I got it.

Hello.

I got to make an order for Morgan.

I have to make an order.

No.

What can I get for you?

for lemon chicken balls i'm sorry lemon chicken balls don't have lemon chicken

morgan what else would you like um can i get some pancakes then pancakes we don't have pancakes this

is waffle house fucking cunt well can't you just not put it in the the griddle thing or like in the

at the Waffle Machine?

I'm surprised that she actually

started taking your order.

That's so much fun.

She got your number, Morgan, honey.

I don't know where, but she just clicked it.

Oh, my God.

They'll be calling Morgan, honey. She doesn't like that shit.

She took advantage of that.

That was a lot of fun.

Alright.

That was funky, that one.

This sucks, though, that Brad went to sleep, fucking Dwight just dropped us like a fucking hot potato.

I'm a fucking asshole, all these guys.

Fucking abandoned me.

Only Morgan and Milkman are here.

That's all I get.

That's all right.

I'm going to take a break.

They're going to go play Christmas, man.

We'll fuck around a little bit more, and then we'll go play Christmas.

Here's the last call of the night.

Here's the thing.

There's a lot of people out there just digging it.

I don't know.

I'm not even paying attention to the feedback.

I hope you guys are digging this.

This is me being trying to...

Yeah, there's 30 people in tiny chat right now.

Good, good, good.

30 people in tiny chat, that's good.

Yeah, that's insane.

Merry Christmas, thanks for coming off house.

I'm going to hit you.

Yeah, I needed some lemon chicken balls.

Excuse me?

I need to make an order.

Okay, hang on just a second.

Stupid.

I barely can hear you.

Okay, stupid.

Aw.

Oh, shit.

She didn't like the stupid part.

I'll call her back.

I'm belligerent at this point.

This is the last one.

It froze.

This is the last one.

No, you've got to do one where you pretend you're calling from head office.

Head office, head office.

Yeah, because that's going to be totally believable at this point.

I'm like, hey, I'll call from head office.

I know.

That's what will make it even funnier.

It's a holiday party.

And they need to reset the breakers.

If I could be serious for five minutes, I could do a reset breaker.

Their head office is in Norcross, Georgia.

Gotcha, gotcha.

Matt says Dwight wasn't being bitched over being loud.

He just disappeared.

Oh, you mean by his woman?

No.

What women? Dwight woman.

Fucking Dwight woman.

Maybe not.

How old is Dwight's kid?

That's how long he's been with the woman.

I'm sorry.

I love you, Dwight.

Sorry, man.

That's fucked up.

Hello?

This is Santa Claus.

I'm calling from the corporate office in North Cross, Georgia.

Hi.

Yes, hi.

I'm calling from the corporate office.

I need you to reset your breakers, please.

Morgan, please take over.

No, you can do it.

Okay, just something about resetting our breakers.

Are we supposed to reset them or what?

Yes, this is Mr. Crossland calling for your breaker reset for this month.

It's behind.

It's very serious.

Can we reset your breakers as soon as possible?

The generator should kick in.

It shouldn't affect at all the production in there, the location.

But we do need to reset the breakers here to reset the counter count, please, as soon as possible.

No, no.

It's a quick flip with the breakers.

You switch them off, switch them on, and it's done.

I just have to log it once it's done.

It'll show up on the computer here once it's done.

Sure.

Hi,

yeah, this is Cross.

I'm calling from the corporate office of Norcross.

How are you doing?

Yeah, hi.

We need to do the breaker reset here for the month.

I guess it got missed here.

We're trying to get it taken care of before the end of the year.

It needs to be taken care of as soon as possible,

preferably before the end of my shift here in the next 30 minutes.

um all you have to do is go to the breaker shut them off shut the mic on i'll watch on the computer

here um it'll be done and we'll be out of your way all right okay can you get back to where that

is please uh yeah i'll stay on the line here if you can go ahead and do that now i'll let you know

make sure to go through please hit all of them yeah all of them yeah one by one if i'll stay on

the line here yes ma'am one by one please i'll go ahead and just hold here and watch it on the

computer machine i'll let you know once it's complete oh it's taking a long time you know

this is a big deal faster faster faster there you go hey that's more like it oh yeah there you go

you hung up the phone you stupid bitch there you go morgan is that what you wanted yeah

there goes the voip line oh man that was awesome i'm like good on you for doing that that was like

amazing jumping skill that you're actually able to pull it off that was magic i don't know how

I contained it.

Oh, wow.

Well, the circuit's

cut off the phone?

Yeah, yeah.

It's circuit, yeah.

I totally didn't think

you were going to be able

to pull that off.

Yeah.

No way.

Get on with it, man.

Yeah.

I got to go.

Look, my wife...

That's one of the best

ones right there, bro.

I tell you,

that's funny shit.

Yeah.

Look, I got to go.

The wife knocked on the door here

and said I got to go.

You fucking got it

on the Waffle House, too, dude.

That's a new record.

Yeah, it's funny.

I wonder if they're going

to turn them back on

I'm going to leave a lot for...

Well, it resets, like, everything.

Like, it resets their security alarm.

It resets the till.

It resets, like, everything.

Everything, yeah.

The grill will turn off.

The grill turns off.

The fucking waffle maker.

Everything would have went off.

All the timers and shit.

Anything cooking with the timing cycle would have went off.

Yeah.

I got to go.

My wife just knocked on the door and said,

I got to go, fuck her.

Okay.

I got to go.

Morgan, you understand what I was talking about.

Morgan, take care.

Take care of yourself.

Thanks, buddy, for having me on.

That was great.

All right, asshole.

See you later.

Thanks for being all with me. Thanks for being alone when I care.

All right. See you later.

Bye, Morgan. Thank you. Merry Christmas, baby.

Great show.

All right. Milkman, you want to take us out of here and shit?

You know, this isn't...

All righty. You all done, baby?

Yeah, I'm done. I got to go.

Boy, that's a big ass way to end it up, right?

You're the home run, man. Graham Slam.

There you have it. A wonderful Christmas gift

out from the manhouse. I know you didn't expect it,

but hey, by golly.

up there and we want to know how much we love you.

We do every week of this for you

so you can find us right here on here

and that's right now. Bring your friends up there

and bring your enemies because they're welcome right here

and be mad out.

We couldn't do it without you.

Hey, can we do it without you?

The manly hour. Thank you so much.

Saving lives.

Merry Christmas

and Happy New Year and Happy Holidays

to everybody out there and their families.

The milkman is always

Yeah, man, sure, I'm real drunk, I gotta go

Dude, I got a big bong here too

Dude, you have fun with that bong

I'm done with the smoke and the weed

Yeah, yeah, it's good

Good for you, Milkman

Milkman, thanks for being on, I'm gonna thank Brad

Dwight, I'm gonna thank Morgan

Brad, Dwight, Morgan, and Milkman

For joining in with me tonight

I want to thank Parkman for sending in numbers Bradson in numbers. No Parkman. Thank you, brother

Everyone who joined in listen tonight even the chat room that I hate now

I wasn't even in there for a little bit whatever fucking who cares

Milkman day man. I'll catch you New Year's Eve. We'll do their show New Year's Eve

Okay, man. Well, we don't talk to you guys. You're just right next couple days. We'll see you here New Year's Eve. I guess

Have a good night, Milkman. Merry Christmas.

I love you, man.

Everybody, I said happy holidays.

Merry Christmas to you, man.

The cats and the woman,

everybody there, we love you, man. Cheers.

See ya.

Alright, bye, everybody.

Y'all have a Merry Christmas, as I said.

It was already Christmas.

Christmas is, well, it's not over, but you know what I mean.

Christmas. Christmas, everybody!

Thanks for listening.

It was fun doing another show.

yeah so my next show will be on new year's eve i guess a week from today or something like that

i guess i think new year's eve falls like exactly a week after yeah yeah new year's eve is like

exactly a week after christmas right how convenient no one ever mentions that but yeah that's the case

so my plan is i probably won't start until after midnight on eastern standard time but i plan to do

some type of new year's eve show that'll be like the the last of the like live shows going on i do

expect to do like live shows here and there just on special days like maybe anniversary show

christmas next year and stuff like that but i really don't feel like doing live shows all the

time anymore it's a lot of bullshit that's been going on here lately whatever i'm not gonna get

into it i'm too drunk to talk about anyway y'all have a good night motherfuckers good night bye

see you next week bye

Oh, I'm going to have a bowel movement on the toilet.

Take a big shit.

Y'all should do it too.

The 2015 Madhouse Live Christmas Eve Special

Calls (42, 2 h 19 min of 4 h 7 min)

Transcript

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