Who Sent You?

good. I'm a little fitted.

He's called me big girl. Sir, is this

a serious call? You're still stupid, motherfucker.

I'm not playing no fucking games, dude.

I, I fuck you, son of a

bitch. Stop making a stupid call.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all night long.

You're not perfect. What are you?

Piss off. You're listening

to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

Who sent you? Get the fuck

off me, asshole. Lie still, lie still, or I'll punch

you in the goddamn face. I'll find out who

you sent you bullshit my friend do you know something don't listen what do you know maybe

i do and maybe i don't what i say is they got no business negotiating we ought to be going back in

there with a bullet for everybody in the yard oh is that right we do it now we do it later later

it could be no use am i right al wait wait wait a minute frank got a lot of angry guys in there

black muslims panthers young lords besides you average anti-social we gotta go in right

All right, clean your clocks.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the...

...water. I've been drinking this up a long time.

Hello?

Hello, can you hear me?

I didn't think you were going to answer, boy.

I mean, what were you doing? Were you painting the office?

No, I'm not in the office. It's on my mobile.

But what can I do for you?

Oh, I saw this 24-hour tailor, and I'm in Las Vegas, you know?

So I thought I was good.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bother you. What are you doing?

No problem. Well, I'm not doing alterations right now, but...

Then why does it say 24-hour, then?

Hello?

Sorry, I just walked into the casino.

Hello?

Yeah, I just walked into the casino.

I'm sorry.

No, it's the name of my business.

We do alterations in there.

So it's just a company.

What can I do for you?

Your 24-hour is a name only?

I mean, can you do some shit right now?

Huh?

Yeah?

Not at this hour.

Then why do you put 24 hours?

Then you're wasting my fucking time.

Can you recommend someone who's open right now, then?

Asshole.

No, I can't.

Fucking asshole, you know that?

Seriously.

24-hour tailor in the name of the company.

Oh, yeah, I'll just, uh, you know, I'll just say that.

Oh, that's just so I can get into the front of the fucking yellow pages.

That's all I do.

24 hours.

Yeah, he would get in front of the A's, wouldn't he?

He's a fucking asshole.

Son of a bitch.

That's a trick right there.

That always pisses me off.

I got a dentist, motherfuckers, 24 hours, dentist.

Yeah, right.

Weekend service, 24 hours.

Emergency service.

you call you can't talk to anybody i don't know how you work that out can't get a pickup this time

you have reached the voicemail box of seven zero yeah yeah yeah asshole pisses me off anyway i'm

carlita i'm doing a small little show here it's almost two in the morning i have dwight mcclanahan

and do i have anybody else dwight is this someone who wants to be known or is that person being

liar uh no i don't know you don't know all right well we'll find out maybe now they can talk if

they want if not then i want to introduce because i don't know maybe it's a big fucking secret

all right so let's continue some prank calls right what's your status you were busy uh messing

with more facebook live people uh yeah yeah i've quit that uh these people were being assholes

they're being racist to me and so i decided to out racist them and it pissed them off

and they ended their shit that's too bad yeah well that's what they get i was being i was having a

civil conversation i was insulting them on a higher level they decided to call me a cracker

and so they took it there so so i brought i brought it i brought it real heavily yeah i'm

just gonna stay away from that whole topic before i launch a match with mario hey how you doing big

mario oh man i'm winning some money motherfucker yeah you hear me all right i'm in the fucking

and casino and shit.

That's what's up.

Yeah, hey, you want to come down here and party?

I can't right now.

I got to go home and get my daughter.

Oh, yeah, that's...

How old is your daughter?

She's six.

Six, all right.

Well, that's...

Yeah, that's nice.

That's good.

That's good that you do that.

You know, you're breaking that stereotype.

That's good, you know?

That's good.

You always take care of her, or just now, like you had some kind of coming to God?

I have fun gambling, my man.

Oh, no, for real, though, I need to get some laundromat services.

Huh?

I need laundromat services.

I was hoping you were open.

Yeah, that's cool.

Hey, do you wash dry fold there?

Yes, we do.

Oh, man.

You wear gloves, right?

Because, I mean, do you wear gloves when you're going to wash dry my jeans?

They need to be clean.

They got a lot of stuff in them.

I got my dream jeans.

Do you have, what do you recommend?

All right, so I only brought, like, the clothes I have on me, you know?

And I was just going to sleep in my underwear, but the jeans are all soaked through, and

they got through to my underwear.

All right.

What do you recommend?

I mean, I can come down there now with the jeans, right?

You can get them cleaned up for me, I guess.

You can wash them if you want to.

Yeah, but I don't know.

I don't really.

Can you do the whole drying and folding and everything all nice?

Yes.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, I mean, do you have.

What do you suggest in my situation?

I got all this shit in the pants and underwear.

So I got to take this stuff off so you can wash it.

It's nasty.

I don't want to wash it, so I'll let you guys do it.

but like

do you have like a room

I can hang out in

maybe with some magazines

or something

no we don't have that

like what do you

suggest I do now then

like I need something

to wear then

like while I'm there

waiting

you can shop

at a store

and grab something

from there

where can I go

do you have something

I can maybe borrow

no I don't

do you have like

a lost and found

yeah there's some clothes

over here that you can buy

alright look

you got

you got them shorts there

my shorts

no we do not

you're not

oh shit

Uh, do you have my pants? Do you have the pants there that I left there?

You left some pants there?

Yeah, I left some pants there. You know, maybe I can just wear those while you wash them. You know what I mean?

Yeah, we don't have no pants that was left here.

Well, maybe, what if my friend Mr. Alexander Hamilton asked you?

Huh?

What if my friend Mr. Alexander Hamilton asked you?

Who is that?

Uh, he's this guy I got hanging out around here, you know, in my back pocket. Alexander Hamilton.

Huh?

I don't know.

I got another customer.

I got to call him right back.

What if Mr. Benjamin Franklin made me...

I can't do it, my man.

Come on, man.

I shit my pants, man.

I had some bad fucking crabs, man.

Nice.

What do you do then?

I guess, yeah, obviously.

Well, but I got shit all over me.

Do I...

Can I go...

Can't go to Walmart?

There's no Walmart by the strip.

He's got to help me out, man.

Where's the Walmart?

Are you lonesome tonight?

I've been singing that all fucking day.

Sing it to your wife

Well, because if I was singing to her, she wouldn't be long, so

I gotta take care of this customer real fast

Hey, is it like a Walmart somewhere?

Like, what's the nearest here to where I'm at?

Where are you at?

At the Mirage, man

There's a Walmart on Chopper County and Pecos

I got shit all over my pants, man

Like, I gotta get there

I gotta get there

I gotta shop in there with all this shit and stuff in my pants, you know?

And then I got to check out, and then I got to change somewhere.

And I got to get, like, I guess I can use, like, the Walmart bag, the plastic bag.

I'll put the shit pants and underwear in there, right, for you to wash it?

Yeah.

All right.

Oh, do you charge extra for the shit?

Well, it's, like, an oily kind of shit.

It's this Ally, these Ally diet pills, and they make it, the fat doesn't, like, bind in your stomach.

It comes out, you pass it through, you know?

Let me take care of this customer that's right here in front of me.

Yeah, all right.

It's, like, orange ass oil.

All right, I'll be right here.

I gotta call him back

someone in the IRC is suggesting

you ask to wear his pants

but then he can't because he has to

work there still with the pants on

he can deal with getting his own pants

and getting some other pants on his own time

when's he getting his daughter

because maybe he can pick up some pants

for us also

maybe he'd be willing to do that

I don't know

I was going to tell you

playing a fitness on Monday

it's pizza monday so you might be able to call planet fitness's tonight and put in your pizza

order for tomorrow that's right it's a perfect time to do it too you know yeah you put your

order ahead of time it's like i'm gonna come in and work out tomorrow uh i want to i'm gonna

large uh fucking supreme like extra sauce you know shit like that yeah italian crust sauce

yeah yeah i want the deep dish i need the extra crust i want the carbs i got an idea i got an

anything hang on let me find one shit that's open that's really 24 hours because some of

these motherfuckers too the gyms do it too like oh 24 hour gym yeah 24 hour fitness isn't that

one of them and you call like hello we're open for until 10 p.m uh i can go find you something

the plan of fitness will actually tell you if they are 24 hours or not oh what do you mean

they'll tell me when they pick up uh no i'll go look on the web page yeah when i ask them they'll

tell me dude uh yeah i'll go look out on the west coast all right look look oh you gotta

to look somewhere in vegas man i need casinos man okay i'll look in vegas i'm in the casino

tonight the casino man i was up in a blackjack table 120 dollars motherfucking yeah yeah then

i had a hundred uh ten dollar dinner i've been to the casino a handful of times i've never went

on my own dime though oh wow one of those oh it's usually my brother likes to go and i know i i'm

like okay i'm going but i ain't getting all fucking money and you just hang out you watch

I always play the slots

I like playing

There was like a Batman

Like video

Video type game

Yeah

And I did awesome on that

I won

Almost

150 bucks

One time on that

Holy shit

Off of like 20 bucks

That he gave me

Wow

Did you get three jokers

Going across

It was a car game yeah

Car game

Batman car game

Hey you guys really

24 hours

Yes we are

Alright cool

I wasn't sure

You know I get

I have a weird schedule

You know

But I'm getting off of work

Yeah, I'm getting off work.

So it's free pizza Monday tomorrow, right?

Yes.

Sweet.

Okay, all right.

So I wanted to call ahead with my order.

I was wondering if the best thing I could do is I could just give you my login and password for the Pizza Hut.

You guys always get the pizza from Pizza Hut usually, right, when I'm there?

I think you always get Pizza Hut pizza, right?

Oh, we get it here, and we don't, yeah.

So when you come to the gym, you can just pick it up.

Yeah, yeah, but where does it come from?

I got to know for the calories.

Domino's.

yeah cool cool so i i'm gonna can you write this down please write what down uh just the username

and password for my account um the um if you have your name and your phone number we could just look

you up in the system no but it it needs my uh username and password it's my email address and

my password because that way you guys can just log in on the dominoes um app there and i saved

the what i wanted like i created my own pizza and i was thinking like i usually come to work

I don't really know what time we come with the pizza.

All right, so if I come around noon, let me give you my username and password for Domino's Pizza website,

and then you can go, and I saved the pizza in the cart.

It's called Planet Fitness September, S-E-P-T.

So you can just click on that when you log in, and then that's the pizza that I wanted to get tomorrow.

I don't know if we do a selection.

My manager usually is the one that takes care of that.

If you put it in, she'll be able to get it.

Yeah, write that down.

Let me just tell you, if it's a big deal, I'll just give you the pizza order then.

Like, what to get me?

Oh, we don't do it like that.

We just buy quite a bit, and people come in and get some.

There's no really special order that we do.

Yeah, we can do this, though, because, you know, I'm a black card member.

Right?

I'm a black card member.

No, we don't do that.

Just write this down and pass it on to the manager, then.

and just leave it for the manager there in the morning.

You can come in and let her know tomorrow, but you don't do that.

I have a complaint to file.

That's fine.

All right, can I file it to you?

Yeah, sure.

Okay.

So I wanted to get the medium gluten-free light sauce with the pepperoni.

Yeah.

I wonder what type of pizzas they actually get.

I bet they go light sauce, thin and crispy, so there's not much dough

and probably all vegetables and shit.

i went to planet fitness for a year here years ago and it was pizza hut and it was straight up

just like regular pan pizza like it had because i don't like pizza hut if it's uh normal sauce i

i dislike all the major chain sauces i always get light sauce on them i like their uh pizza

barbecue sauce i really enjoy that but i get their uh i get their thin crispy because i don't like a

lot of dough it's not worth it for me man because like um like for the last year i've been dieting

i already explained this i think at some point but if i'm gonna cheat on the diet have a cheat

day and have pizza i wanted to be from a really good place for those calories as opposed to pizza

hut for dumb you know what i mean like i'm gonna have you know six seven eight hundred calories

you know for three slices of pizza i just i just wonder like how many slices like you get like

i'm gonna take a whole fuck of pizza well i did that once already where i called like yeah so i

I was working out the deal in my head

how many slices I could get,

and I was making the math to equal enough.

As, you know, I was trying to make it pay off

with the free pizza and Tootsie Rolls, I think.

Yeah.

Uh, Clay, this isn't my show.

This is Carlito's show, sir.

Yeah.

Dwight already did a show.

Anyway.

Clay, anyway.

Uh, let's see if that guy can talk to us now

about the laundromat.

What are they?

I shit my pants, right?

Yeah.

You poopied.

That's some bad seafood.

24-hour monogamy between

Wayne Davis speaking.

Hey, what's up, big guy?

How you doing?

What's going on?

What's up, cousin?

Hey, did you get your line taken care of?

Did I get my what?

Your line of customers taken care of.

You good?

I mean, I just got the word.

I don't even know who I'm speaking with.

Oh, you're not the cat I was talking to about coming down there and getting a wash-dry fold

of my pants and underwears?

A wash-dry fold of your pants and underwears?

Yeah.

Nah.

Yeah, because I was trying to figure out, because usually, like, you know, I would

have more clothes than me, but I only brought, like, one change of clothes.

so and my pants and underwear need to get changed i'm here at the casino and i like i had an

accident so um i just wanted to get that done but in the meantime like i gotta wait around you know

to to get them back because it's the only clothes i have so i was wondering if you had like maybe

a room where i can just say i'll i'll get a newspaper i'll read it and like i'll put it down

on the chair you know um to sit on the section that i don't read you know like just somewhere

where I can be a little private, you know, maybe like the office, just for, how long

does it take to get that? Like, can you rush that, man? Nah, that takes four hours, first

of all, and second of all. Well, I can like hang out for four hours, I can sober up, you

know? Nah, nah, you gotta take it to another spot, bro. Alright, but can you recommend,

alright, so like, what can I, well, it's not that I gotta go somewhere else, I'm just saying

like, I don't have anything for my, you know, my private, to cover my private area while

while I'm waiting those four hours, you know?

So I can't just sit around there.

You don't want me to sit.

What are you, down here on vacation?

Yeah.

Yeah, that means you came with money.

That means you go to Walmart.

It's all gone.

You grab a pair of pants.

It's all gone, though, you know?

Like, I got the credit card.

Yeah, so that's what I'm saying.

Like, what would you do?

Like, there's a Walmart close by?

Have a good night, buddy.

Is there a Walmart close by?

Come on, man.

Oh, shit.

This could happen to me.

Yeah, he's picked up.

Okay.

He tried to ignore you.

He's like, I don't know what you're talking about.

I was like, dude, come on.

You know.

I think that was the same guy.

I don't know.

I'm not trying to say they sound alike, but they sound alike.

Well, there's two 24-

Let me see if they got different numbers.

Yeah, all right.

There's two here that have two different numbers.

Maybe I picked the other one this time.

They're right close to each other.

Yeah, they're right close to each other.

They say 24-hour one.

Let me see.

I've got to zoom back out.

I lost it.

Shit.

What do you think about that burger I just posted in the Skype machine at the bottom there, Carlito?

A burger?

Yeah, a burger I'm going to get.

Oh, I can't look at pictures and stuff like that.

No, no, no, it's not a picture. It's a description.

Oh, I can't read that.

Like, if it's, like, enticing food, that's really bad right now.

No, no, you wouldn't want this, because it would probably be too hot for you.

You'd be like, holy shit, now I'm gonna die.

Uh, alright, let me see.

I'm typing in letters.

Let's see.

Back to Skype.

And then we'll scroll into the bottom.

Ghost chili.

Pickled jalapeno.

Alright.

Yep.

cilantro, red onion, pepper jack cheese

and the habanero sauce

that'd be like burn your intestines good

well it's just how much ghost chili you know

that's the only thing

jalapeno is nothing

I would tell them no cilantro I don't want that shit

why don't you like let the

it's really rude to do that to a chef

you know what I mean

give me this way give me that way

spit in your food when you do that

be careful

probably with all the heat on it I won't be able to

and taste it.

Just eat it like the,

you know,

they want you to eat it.

Thank you for calling

24 Hour Fitness.

With state-of-the-art equipment,

certified personal trainers,

and more than 400 clubs

open up to 24 hours,

we're committed to helping

you meet your goals

on your time.

If you know your party's extension,

you may dial it now.

For new membership information,

press 1.

For club address

and directions,

press 2.

For the club operating hours,

press 3.

For group exercise information,

press 5.

To make a payment

or update your billing information

using our automated service, please press 6

Presumably, they're different because on the map, they're different buildings and the numbers are different.

So, I guess this is the garment district.

24, I'm Flounder Magic.

Hey, how are you doing, hermano?

Hey, good calling.

Hey, this is Akulo.

Hey, I have a problem, man.

So, I have only one chain.

I only have the underwears and the pants that I'm wearing right now.

And I got a big mess over here.

Where?

Over here in the casino.

You know, do you have wash-dry-fold?

Like, can you do a rush on this?

I'll pay whatever for my pants and underwears to get cleaned.

It's the only clothes I have is what I'm wearing right now.

I can do that.

I cannot do that.

How long it take?

How long it take to get wash-dry-fold?

Do you do wash-dry-fold or you just have the machine?

Oh, like 30 minutes.

You can do for me or I have to wash in the machine?

Yeah, you have to wash it, yeah.

You don't wash?

Because I have cameras all over and I cannot do that.

Oh, no.

Oh.

So I wash, I'm washing them in the machine

Okay

Okay, listen, but, alright, so here's the problem

I, uh, this is the only pants and underwear that I have

Is what I'm wearing, and they have to be washed

They have a lot of feces on them

Um, so I need to put them in the machine

But do you have, like, a room, maybe I can sit in

A private room, because I don't have any pants

Or underwear while I'm washing them

Oh my god

Yeah, I know, I don't know what to do

I'm scared, I'm shaking, I don't know what to do

Like, do you know somewhere I can go, maybe get some

pants and underwears to maybe because you know i have i have like a lot of uh you know feces you

know like shit um i had i had diarrhea really bad and i was playing the uh the card game you know

the cards here at the casino and i lost a lot of money and i started having a panic attack and

And I passed out.

They had to take me outside.

And I had, like, diarrhea, I guess, you know, because I lost control.

Yeah, I don't know what we can do.

We don't have pens.

Do you have maybe a newspaper I can put around me, like a towel or something, like, you know, while I'm waiting?

No, no, no, no.

Oh, come on, man.

You got to help me.

We have a lot of people here.

No.

I know that you have the cameras.

You're going to see my penis there.

What do I do?

Well, I don't know.

I don't know.

What would you do?

I mean, where can I go?

I don't know where you can go.

Come on, man.

I'll give you $100.

You bring me some pants from Walmart or something.

Just some shorts, real quick.

No, no.

Come on, man.

I'm by myself here working.

I'll suck your dick.

I cannot do that.

I'll suck your dick.

Okay, bye.

I'll suck your dick.

Okay.

Yes.

He said okay, guys.

He's like, oh, fuck you.

He doesn't know what the seat order comes from.

Two.

I hope you don't mind that I added a young man into the conference, but he'll join in

a few.

Okay.

All right.

His name starts with a B.

Man, I can't wait to find out.

And his last name, or the last letter is a Z.

Oh, Biz Marquis, yes.

Yeah.

Yeah, nobody beats the Biz.

DJ Khaled is going to come in later and give his motivational speech.

DJ Khaled, you said?

Yeah.

DJ Khaled.

That motherfucker, fuck him.

You know why?

Because I'm from Orlando, motherfucker.

And he went to high school in Orlando.

and he's all the time after he left high school and got all famous now he's like oh miami i grew

up in miami you mother fucker you he didn't grow up in miami shit he moved there after he

went to fucking high school in orlando and he fucking turned his back on us just like shat

turned his back on us and ended up in miami at some point anyway so good we got biz coming that's

awesome i can't wait for that we'll all be listening to that stay tuned you can watch

Watch video on Gort, go.rt slash madhouse right now.

Go there, watch me.

You can watch Ken.

You can watch our secret guests even.

And you can watch Baz in a moment too.

Madhouse on Gort.

Hit us up.

All right, 24-hour tailoring.

Maybe they can help.

Y'all should have liked me.

You can either dance or just have a seat and listen to the way in.

What I am saying, a different kind of rapper language that I am saying.

All right, it helps if I actually copy the number, you know, instead of just dialing the letter X.

Can I, can I do the 24-hour table?

Absolutely, yes, sir.

Oh, fuck you.

You have reached the voicemail box of

24 hours, my ass.

Wait a minute, that's, they called him first.

Man, I'm really out of this shit, man.

I'm fucked up tonight.

Are you doing the weeds

in the Marijuana's? No, man.

I'm clean. I live a clean life.

I had a lot of stevia today. Maybe that's why.

Oh.

24-hour fitness is closed.

A 24-hour services?

A slash 24...

Dang. That's bullshit.

That's the name of their business. Get out of here.

SmokeShop 24 hours.

You want that, Dwight?

Can you work with that? Do you want me to go with it?

Yeah. I can probably work something.

Let me get my ID looking local.

Your call is important to us.

John Farrar, SmokeShop.

Listen, I got an issue. I came in there earlier today and bought a pack of Newports.

Uh-huh.

And I just opened them up just a little bit ago. I just finished off my last pack.

And for some reason, I go to light this thing, and it wasn't lighting.

And so I'm checking this thing out.

Do you know why somebody would take out the tobacco and put, like, a little cork of wood in this thing,

try to make it look like a real cigarette?

Are you serious?

Yeah, I'm not fucking around, man.

I mean, it's every cigarette in this pack.

It's not just one.

They took all the tobacco out, and there's long little corks of wood inside of this thing.

They're easy.

I'm a cigarette smoker, too, myself.

I'm the owner.

This is my shop.

I never heard anything like that.

Yeah, I'm like, what the hell?

I was like, you know, the paper's lightened, but the fucking thing is, I'm trying to, you know, do a drag on this thing.

It's not fucking drawn or nothing.

Yeah, well, crazy.

I don't know what to say, because those, we buy them from...

from the costco's yeah okay okay because like let me

let me have my friend talk to you uh my friend david here because i bought them from him and

and I just wanted to bum a cigarette from him.

And, you know, he knows a little bit more about what's going on here.

He's going to just second me, give him the phone here.

Hey, man, how are you doing?

Good.

Yeah, this is David.

Yeah, my buddy, he just left the room real quick,

so you and I, we can just talk privately for a minute.

Yeah, I know the cigarettes I bought from you were good.

What I did was I emptied out all the tobacco because I'm broke.

I have no job.

And then I put little twigs in there that I found in the yard and I put him back in and I sealed it up

You know, this is when he was asleep

Rolling my own so I'm gonna put it back on don't don't let on

What's up, hey, it's this marquee

What an honor to have you

I'm coming out with a new album

Nice

It's him again

No, it's all original

Hello, please leave a message after the tone

He was a little bit amazed by that, wasn't he?

What?

What do you fucking know, Mike?

Tony Sapp?

Yeah, he's, yeah.

Fuck you, you took him away.

Alright.

I feel bad now.

Turns out Maz is fucking sabotaging me over there.

He's emptying out my tobacco because he's fucking broke.

Oh my god, I'm a smoker too.

Tony Fire Mini?

Oh, hey brother, how you doing?

Hello.

Hey, good.

I'm calling from the corporate office.

Are you guys selling any orange or blue colored sports drinks?

Gatorade, particularly, or Powerade?

Orange or blue-colored?

Yeah, blue-colored.

We have to pull those as soon as possible.

Yes, we have orange and blue-colored Gatorades and Powerades.

Well, okay, yeah.

We need to pull those as quickly as possible, sir.

Is something happening?

Yeah, yeah, the lab came.

There's an urgent lab report.

Urgent lab alert came through the wire here just a moment ago.

We've been calling the locations and phased overnight tonight.

The laboratory found some very disturbing stuff in anything that's got the blue coloring or the orange coloring.

But it's only affecting those electrolyte-enhanced sports drinks,

which would be, according to my data on your store,

you only have Gatorade and Powerade that we're concerned with.

Is it Blue Blast?

Can you tell me what flavors those are?

There's a cotton berry.

There's a blue party.

Powerade, orange Powerade, and the Blue Blast and the orange regular one.

Yeah, definitely the Blue Blast has to, as soon as possible.

We may need to, can you, do you have space to put those in, or like a milk crate or something, or how are you planning?

Well, we have milk crates that we could put them in.

Yeah, we need to put those in milk crates, leave them like towards the back of the cooler, mark them,

and I need to give you the code for the recall, just so the delivery man, when he comes by,

He's going to need that to see that to put it in his keypad.

It's a five-digit code.

Okay.

You got it? Are you ready?

Yeah.

Yeah, 20165.

It's this year, and it's recall number five for the year.

So just 20165?

Yeah, 20165.

Recall 20165, or you can just do REC20165 works also.

Recall 20165.

Right, and it should just be just the orange and then Mountain Berry Blast.

Is that the other one that you have there?

I believe so.

Okay, yeah.

All right, Powerade Zero also, there's a mixed berry and an orange in those also, according to the data here?

Yeah.

All right, and if you have any Powerade Zero drops, Mountain Berry Blast and orange flavor of the drops,

you probably might not have those at this location, but just in case.

Okay, but anything that has, that is blue or orange, Powerade and Gatorade, prefer to pull off the shelf there.

Right.

All right, can I put my lab technician here real quick?

He needs to take some samples real quick.

He's going to ask you, give you some instructions really quickly, please.

Okay.

Okay, just a moment.

Mr. Snoswell?

Yeah, I'm taking a shit, Kevin.

Dwight, can you get Dwight?

Oh, sure, yeah.

He's a good technician.

Yeah, Dr. McClanahan.

I've got to take a shit.

Yeah, Dr. McClanahan?

Yeah, hello?

Hello?

Yeah, we've got that recall on blue and orange PowerAid.

He might need to do a quick field test on that, I guess.

Okay, and that's on the PowerAid?

Powerade and Gatorade.

We just needed one of the bottles, one of the flavors right now.

Okay, and that's on the orange?

Yes.

Okay.

Sir, are you currently available on the phone?

Hello?

Sir?

Hello?

Yes.

What I need you to do is go ahead and retrieve one of the bottles of the orange Gatorade.

Okay, just for one moment.

Mm-hmm.

That's good, man.

That is all we have right now.

16.42.

That's it.

Does it have to be orange or is it melon?

No, no, no, orange, orange, sir.

Okay, I got the orange.

Okay.

And what we have to do, because the particular complaint has to do with the actual bottle,

not the contents of the actual orange actual liquid itself,

what we have to do is we have to get a reactant according to the standard operating procedure here.

So what we need to do is grab a product in the store that's going to have an acidic component to it.

Do you have, oh, let's see, I'm trying to think.

Let me flip through the book here.

Do you have the Mentos mints?

They come in a tube.

Which one?

Mentos mints.

They come in a tube.

Yeah, I got Mentos.

Okay, go ahead and grab a tube of those.

All right.

Does that have to be any?

Just the regular ones, not the fruit ones.

Just the regulars.

All right.

The mint ones.

Yeah, Mentos mints, correct.

Not the fruit ones.

All right, I got it.

What we're going to do is we're going to open up the Gatorade,

the Gatorade and we're going to put three of the Mentos mints inside and then we're going to close

the top up and I'm going to have you shake the Gatorade for 25 seconds and then you're going to

inform me if the color starts to change inside of the bottle all right so go ahead and do that for

me now please all right well I am shaking and there's no discoloration or anything no no

discoloration all right perfect now we do have to do a control test with this also so what I'm going

going to do is because they're in with the same uh the same product we're probably gonna get the

same results i need to do a control test so what i'm gonna have you do is i'm gonna have you go

and retrieve a two liter of diet coke because they're from the same bottling plant so they're

the same material and they came out at the same time they were produced at the same time we have

to get a two liter of diet coke open that up and we're gonna put three mentos into that also and

And then we're going to repeat the same procedure.

Will that make it explode?

No.

I know about that whole joke, but Mentos actually just recently adjusted the formula so that no longer happens

because they got tired of people actually getting people that they were making jokes.

And people were getting mad.

They were getting sued.

So they adjusted the formula so that no longer happens.

Oh, wow.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, they were getting sued like crazy.

So they adjusted the formula so that doesn't happen anymore.

All righty. So just a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke and three Mentos, and then do the same thing?

Three Mentos, yep, into the bottle at the same time, and then we'll go ahead and have you close the lid, shake it.

Okay, so we'll do that right now.

Okay, thank you.

Okay, and just let me know when you've opened the Diet Coke.

Well, I guess that adjustment that Mentos made didn't really help it because it is exploding.

What do you mean?

Well, you know that usually people put the Mentos in so that there's a reaction so that it bubbles?

Right.

It's doing that right now.

Oh, okay.

So you must have some bad product.

These must be old Mentos?

Maybe.

Try putting a few more Mentos in there.

November 20th, 2018.

How high is it going?

Well, it's pretty much filling up and over.

That's just one.

Put five or six in there, and we're just going to make sure it's the Mentos and not the product.

product well i can't even get it in there because it's just continuously overflowing go ahead and

just drop a few more in there what is the date on these diet cokes no no no the mentos the mentos

may be outdated oh because uh i just put it it's still only the wine but the diet coke won't let

me put any more because it keeps pushing it out oh it keeps pushing it out okay yeah oddly enough

we're gonna have to we're gonna have to take a look at those mentos uh let me have you go ahead

and just take the Remedio Mentos

and go put them in your gas tank

because it's going to supercharge your vehicle now.

Okay, okay, now what?

Well, you're going to go out to your car

and you're going to put them in your gas tank

because then it's going to supercharge your vehicle

like the Batmobile.

Okay.

So go do that, and I'll stay on the phone.

I don't even know how true that is, though.

Oh, it's very true.

What it does is it adds extra ethanol.

Okay.

Yeah, and it gives you better gas mileage.

So what's the reaction I was supposed to be getting?

Yes.

It makes the pistons go up and down.

and that's a way for us to test the mentos because obviously they they have some uh the formula the

old formula go ahead and put those in what's the reaction i'm supposed to be getting from the gas

tank there well i'm gonna have you put them in the gas tank and then i'm gonna have you go for a

drive and see if you can go from zero to 60 in 2.3 seconds well that's kind of not possible since

i'm at a 24-hour store and i can't leave this place or have it locked well you just close it

it down for like 10 minutes while you take a drive well i can't do that you can't do that

no my boss won't let me he's always watching okay well he's always watching what do you mean his

cameras well yeah he works the night shift also and uh he's watching me so oh he's watching you

oh yeah oh yeah he's always watching out for me and the other stores uh okay give me give me just

Just a second.

I'm getting buzzed by David, our other technician.

He has some input here.

Give me a moment.

I'm going to go ahead and three-way him in here.

Yeah, hey, this is David.

How are you, sir?

Pretty good, sir.

How about yourself?

Pretty good, yeah.

You know, we have one more request for a Mentos test.

Are you ready to comply?

Maybe.

It depends on what I could do.

Yeah, you need to take one of those Mentos.

You need to stick it up your ass.

Okay.

Yep.

Now, why is that?

Well, just to tell, it's the most surefire way to gauge the pH of the Mentos.

Because if it stings, it's acidic.

If it kind of tickles and stimulates the prostate, then it's basic.

Okay, I don't know how true that is, but...

Oh, it's true.

All right.

Yeah, so you just stick one right up in there.

I'm sorry, sir.

I'm sorry.

For a second, I thought he was actually doing it.

I thought it was actually, like, oh my god, it's the movie.

Alright, let me go to the bathroom, I'll get this done.

It's that compliance movie all over again.

Alright, here we go.

Probably killed it.

Have him jerk it off at fucking a sandwich at some point.

Like, yeah, fuck that sandwich.

He's like, alright, here we go.

Everyone in the agency, when I was trying to get him to put the Mentos in the Gatorade,

they were like, it's not gonna work, it's not gonna work.

I was like, motherfuckers, I got the Phoenix Trust first, shit.

Yeah.

I just was like, hey, asshole, put some Mentos in a Diet Coke.

It's funny that I started off the call with, hey, what's up, brother?

Like, hey, how you doing, brother?

Like, okay.

Yeah, it's the corporate office.

Hey, you got that Gatorade?

Yeah.

And then he knew the fucking reaction.

And you just completely sidestep that so easily.

Oh, yeah, they changed the formula because of the lawsuits.

Oh, okay.

Oh, yeah, no problem.

Cool.

All right.

All right, I got numbers here to get to.

Boom, boom, boom.

There they go.

Here it is.

Ethics line.

All right, ethics line.

I want to do more Mentos calls.

Favorite one is the one the ending is like, oh.

You have called Navex Global, a company hired by your organization to gather information related to potential issues.

We will take 10 to 15 minutes to ask you a series of questions.

and submit the information you provide to your organization

so they can begin an investigation process as warranted.

All information you provide will be kept confidential.

Press 1 to be connected with the next available communication specialist.

This is Civil Defense, Washington.

I still think he sounds just like that guy.

Thank you for holding.

Are you calling to make a new report today,

or are you calling to follow up on a report?

Yeah, I'm making a report.

Okay, what's the name of the company?

It's the company that handles the 24-hour mart, the gas station, you know?

What?

I didn't plan this ahead correctly.

How did you get the number for this hotline?

It was on a card at work.

What company do you work for?

It's the gas company, the gas company, the car.

You put the gas and the people come and they say, you know, like they...

Sorry, but you reached the security services hotline.

Yeah, that's the card.

Pardon me. It says ethics hotline calls for all ethics issues.

Anonymous line, it says here, and it has the number.

This hotline's for employees to be able to report workplace situations.

Oh, wow. That's the security company I work for.

So I've asked you what company do you work for, and you said the gas company.

Oh, I thought you meant like what side I'm at, because I said, yeah, I do security at the gas station here.

Okay, so you're an employee of these companies, right?

Yeah, I don't know what the confusion is on your end. I don't know why you're being so ignorant about it.

All right, can we move on? Are you about done?

Tell me in one sentence what you're trying to report so I know how to best assist you here.

A man masturbated in front of me.

An employee of the gas station?

Yeah, my boss, my superior.

Okay. All right, what city and state do you work in?

Las Vegas, Nevada.

At the client's side or at the branch?

At the client's side. My boss came over here, and he was really upset, I guess, about work.

He said that his boss was on him, you know, really bad.

dad he said to me and i'm sorry to talk to you this way but i mean the thing he did you know

i was in the break room you know taking my break and he came in he was all you know fucking this

fucking shit fucking boss he said like that all these like different bosses there and then the

the owner of this gas station he was here and he's uh like a moose like an eric you know and he said

he heard him say sand you know the n-word like that you know like sand yeah and they started

started fighting and fighting and they were punching and then my boss he like wrapped his

arms around him and he like got him on the ground he was on top he's like grinding his um hips into

him you know he was you know and he started saying like who sent you who sent you like that who sent

you and i was like so relax man like what are you talking about relax he's like who sent you and the

The guy, the boss, he was like, I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't know.

Fuck you, he said.

And then my supervisor, he said, I'll find out who sent you.

And he unbuckled his pants, and he unzipped his pants, and he pulled his pants down.

He took his belt off.

He took off his shoes and socks, and he was on top of the guy the whole time.

And he pulled out his penis, and he put his hand around the shaft of his penis, you know.

And he started getting like an erection.

and he started, like, masturbating it back and forth, you know?

So what's the address of your branch office?

I mean, I just, I don't ever go there, you know?

It's the gas station.

You said that you're the employee of the company.

What's the name of it?

Yeah, but I mean, I've never, they hired me on, you know, on site, basically.

They said, just can you start today?

They sent me straight here.

I think it was all done online, you know?

I mean, I could give you the website, .com.

I mean, that's like the main, that's the address, you know?

Yeah, the corporate address, that's where their address is, .com.

Okay, please contact your local management and see if they can verify the location of your branch office.

Well, what can you offer me now, you know?

I'm not an employee, so I'm not able to offer you any specific thing.

Yeah, well, I've suffered an emotional shock.

I mean, perhaps you should contact the Rape Crisis Center for me.

This is not a crisis center, I'm sorry.

Yeah, but can you put me in touch with the Rape Crisis Center?

A rape crisis center? No, sir. I don't have that kind of information here.

I've been in an emotional shock.

I mean, can you look in the computer and see?

We don't have that kind of information here. I'm sorry, sir.

Do you know somewhere where I could find the address? Is that...

Unfortunately, we can only work with information sent to us.

I mean, you said that you work at your station...

No, I'm not with Cintas. I'm not with Cintas.

I think you said they're our company.

No, we can only work with the information they send to us.

Oh, I thought you said Cintas, like the uniform company, yeah?

So what's the name of the gas station where you're stationed at right now?

24-Hour Mart.

All right, and what's the street address?

All right, here we go.

Are you ready?

I got this.

Parkway.

That is the office machine.

That's where I went to, like, do my training and stuff?

Like that place, you mean?

No, where you're working at right now.

Oh, where I'm at right now?

Well, that, I mean, I don't know.

I can give you, like, some cross streets and stuff.

Okay.

Like, do you know where the Caesar's Palace is?

You know how when you're going down 32 and you come off the exit, you know, when you get to the strip, you start coming up?

I'm nowhere near Las Vegas.

Yeah, but, I mean, do you have a computer?

Well, I'm glad that you're wearing a plug.

This happened to you.

It happened at where you work.

And I understand the situation that you told me you went through.

I'm just trying to get some information on where it happened.

Right, well, it was at work.

Yeah, it was in the break room, you know, gas station, you know.

And then you asked me for this address here that I just gave you, and then now you don't want that.

You said this parkway is where you went for your training.

Yeah, that's the office.

That's the office.

That's where my supervisor works at.

And he came here and he started talking about, you know, the effing this, effing that.

And then he assaulted the manager.

He started, like, humping him, you know?

I'm sorry.

I'm not showing any locations for that address that you gave me for ****.

You want me to put my co-worker, you know, that was here?

He saw the whole thing.

I can put him on.

Maybe he can help you.

I don't know.

I'm sorry.

I don't even know if he wants to talk to you.

What?

If he wants to make a report, he's more than welcome to call the line himself.

So you want me to just call back?

back is that what you want now you say you want to he wants to talk or you want him to talk talk

yeah all right well you have called navx global a company hired by your organization to gather

information related to potential issues drop me we will take 10 to 15 minutes to ask you a series

of questions then submit the information you provide to your organization so they can begin

an investigation process as warranted all information you provide will be kept confidential

You have to listen to this part, and then you hit 1.

So what was the 24-hour mark?

Is that the name of it?

Press 1 to be connected with the network.

Oh, yeah.

It's the security company.

Right.

No, but the gas station.

Yeah, 24-hour mark.

Okay.

Thank you for calling your ethics hotline.

My name is Jane.

Are you calling to file a new report or follow up on an existing report?

Well, we were trying to follow up on an existing report.

The gentleman that my colleague was talking to was quite rude and cursed at him and said the F word.

Who was he talking to?

I have no idea.

Are you there, Cross?

Was he trying to report what sort of incident?

Well, he was trying to report an incident that he saw where a supervisor came down to the work site

and was being very aggressive, and he was like going, hey, F this, F that.

And then I was just kind of standing by because I'm a trainee, and Cross was training me.

And so anyway, the supervisor was like going, F this, F that.

And then he pulled down his pants, and he exposed his penis.

Okay, can you hold him?

And he was, like, wagging it at him.

I'm sorry, I've been drinking whiskey.

I couldn't quite remember your whole story.

Yeah, whiskey, too.

I'm drinking.

What are you drinking?

I had some Johnny Walker Black, just a splash of water in there.

Nice.

What are you drinking, huh?

Woodford Reserve.

Oh, I've never heard of it.

Kind of that Costco.

Cool, cool.

Good.

Johnny Walker's good, too.

Yeah.

Hello?

Ah, they hung up.

A bunch of cocksuckers.

They were probably listening to us talk about what kind of whiskey we're drinking.

Eh, we're in music.

I don't know.

You have called Navex Global, a company hired by your organization to gather information related to potential issues.

We will take 10 to 15 minutes to ask you a series of questions,

then submit the information you provide to your organization so they can begin an investigation process as warranted.

all information you provide will be kept confidential it

wouldn't let me

dial one.

What a paper!

or my ass tire shop hello hello tire shop excuse me hello yeah hi tire shop okay yeah you guys do

uh installations now como hey hello stupid that might have just been the voicemail the whole time

stick up stick up and i'm shooting niggas quick if you hiccup don't let me throw my clip up in

your back and headpiece the opposite of peace sending mom duke a reef you're talking to the

the robbery expert step into your wake with your blood or my shirt don't be a jerk and get smoked

over being resistant because when i lick shots hello hello please hello help help help auxilio

auxilio help stupid are we scared 24-hour real estate please hold while i try to connect you

hey stupid come on talk man we need help please we need to help

your call has been forwarded to the voicemail 24-hour real estate 24-hour voicemail right am i

right hey rodriguez gonzalez lopez you there

come on man i hear you man come on don't be scared no temes please come on please

Please, habla conmigo.

Ayuda.

Auxilio, por favor.

Emergencia.

Hello.

Tranquilo.

Please help.

Mariposa.

Mariposa, butterfly.

Reminds me of those turkey voice calls.

Mariposa.

Como se llama?

Me llama Spickle.

You have reached the voicemail box of...

Leave a message, and I will get back to you as soon as I can.

Thank you.

Okay.

One of my favorite jerky boys

Is the Mexican roofers

When he's talking about them up there

Slapping each other with the wet mops

He's like, I'm gonna fucking fire him down onto the lawn

So yeah, you come up here

You take a look at my roof

Hey, what the hell, baby, I'll fire you down too

You gotta see a couple Mexican boys down there

I'll fire the wife down to the fucking car

She's like, wipe down on the fucking car

Oh yeah

He's like, my wife come up there, she's poking around

and I'm like, she knows what the fuck she's doing.

I'm fucking right for it.

Yeah, you fucking throw her right through out of here.

Shit, that's what's in that.

That was one of my favorites.

Some Mexican fuckers were fucking around.

They come crashing through the window.

Yeah, then one come crashing through the window,

and then he came through and fired his wife off the roof.

Then the wife go up to the roof and start giving him shit.

Yeah, the wife goes up.

She's, like, poking around like,

she knows what the fuck is up.

I'm going to play that fucking call.

I got it.

I just got to find the name of it.

Is it roofing?

Roofing, right?

i forgot i'll find it i got i got a roofing from jerky boys too hello you gonna talk hey

hey hey

how are you hey man you do tires oh shit what do you do there man you work car huh you do pizza

uh listen to this man be quiet hello roofing how you doing good how are you all right look i got

got a little problem here i got some leaks up in the roof there yeah i had some guys here yesterday

some mexican little mexicans they're up there whacking away at my roof they tell me this that

and the other thing next thing you know it rains i got the rain coming right down inside when up

there you know they're trying to show me this that i fired the two of the fuckers off on their

fucking head they don't know what the fuck they're doing up there my wife's up there poking around

she's making like she knows what the fuck is up i fired her down onto the fucking car now what i

need here buddy is i need this fucking thing done right tell me what you can do for me no i'm not

fucking putting you on man this is aggravating me now this shit's going on my wife she's up

there poking around like she knows what the fuck she's doing i kick her right up the fucking ass

true or down onto the fucking car show me what you can do now i need i really need this it's

all along the side of the fucking house the water's coming in like a sip hey this is a

fucking joke huh come on buddy help me out here frank rizzo izzio yeah now this problem this has

been going on for years now you know you know what i'm saying yeah the rain just comes in it's like

buckets on my fucking head it's getting out of line now i got the fucking kids up there playing

on the fucking roof this is bullshit address it's 503 fifth street 503 all right listen what do you

do you go up there with the kettles the pots the fucking hot shit what do you do talk to me

all right because you know what happens here i got a lot of fucking problems these little

these little mexican fuckers they were up there with the hot shit and their fucking joke they

were up there slapping each other with the hot mops i don't need this kind of shit all right

So I had to go up there and shoot two fuckers right down in the yard.

Split their fucking heads out of here.

Well, who'd you hire to do that?

I don't know the name of the fuckers.

I thought I was going to get a little break on the price.

The little bastards are up on the roof running around like fucking retards.

How?

Well, one of them come through the fucking window.

He thinks he's cute.

He's playing his little games.

He fired his friend through my fucking window.

He landed down in the living room.

And I can't have this shit.

Gee, many crisps.

All right, Bob.

You help me out there.

Okay.

All right?

I want you to come over here.

You look at the fucking roof.

You get your hands right in there and get your hands fucking dirty.

and you see what the problem is all right we'll see we can fix this shit up okay all right if i

get in your way anything like that you fire me down into the fucking yard okay okay all right

bye there was that you wanted it you got it i want to slap you with the hot mobs currently

fucking that fucking kettles and hot mobs

the kettle my hot mobs yeah hey man are you still there hey tires hey stupid come on man

mama niema mama niema mama niema mama bicho hablo espanol speak english you speak english

stupid mama yeah yeah yeah you're a stupid no you're stupid i'm smart that he left all right

he called me a motherfucker yeah he hung out there for a while we probably got him to

yeah you know you know sorry sorry man i'm making them all everybody hang up tonight

night that's fine in anger you're coming at the right time oh cool so we got some uh infomercial

numbers looks like wonder bras and shit like that wonder bra i used to have fun with wonder

bro back in the day what was the other one the that's not a vacuum cleaner or something the

shark mob was like the shit yeah a few weeks between like the new wave oven new wave oven

and then uh my wife actually bought one is she really after that stuff long time no this is like

long before you start

pranking them.

It actually cooks chicken damn good.

That's about all it does get, though.

There's some that are awnings

I've done at the time.

Oh, I was about to say that.

You remember back in the day

when you were trying to put them

on your trailer?

On each side?

Yeah, and you were going to

fucking fly it off a cliff.

It was going to fly it over

the Berlin Wall, I think,

or some shit.

Yeah, you were going to...

They were like,

no, sir, the wind could tip it off.

You were like,

oh, I'm going to put it on both sides.

put on a uh an rv and you were trying to off a cliff

gliding rv over the berlin wall that no longer exists

i made it home whatever all right uh let me do the wonder core at work

and it was the weevil wobble ball that was funny

your call cannot be completed as dial weevil

yeah i go to their website and find them it's just like this

stupid dog toy that makes a bunch of squeaky noise i remember i got i was telling sloth about

it and you just call it i was telling you and i was telling dwight and sloth that uh

you know what it was it's pretty funny because like sloth at one point said the dog was humping

it and it was going the dog was or the uh the ball was saying racist shit you ever remember that

those are the dogs dick stuck it too i think yeah yeah he was trying to call him up and tell him

that, you know, we're a bunch of dudes

and we were getting really stoned

and we were throwing that ball around

and Jimmy got hurt real bad.

Play a really loud commercial.

So let's listen.

Like a bubble.

Oh, introducing the strongest

wubble ball of them all.

It's Super Wubble.

Spandium is better at resisting

punctures, pokes, and tears.

Super Wubble starts out small.

Minutes later, it's super tall.

It's a piece of shit.

This is not what I'm looking for.

That's not the Weeble Womble.

That's not the dog toy.

This is the fucking Womble Ball.

They're all up in there, yeah.

That sounds like a condom advertisement.

Oh, it's more resistant to tears.

Oh, fuck yeah.

All right, Weeble.

Actually, it sounds pretty good.

We're just kind of puffy.

Oh, that's not the right one, basically.

Yeah.

Okay.

That sounds like a really boring toy.

Was it Weeble Womble?

Yeah, it was Weeble Womble.

Was it Weeble Wag?

I see a Weeble Wag.

That's what it is.

Weeble Wag Ball.

Weeble Wag Giggle Ball.

Yeah, that's what it is.

Actually, if I have to leave suddenly, it's because I've got to take the puppy out to take a piss.

Who's the Wubble Wag Giggle Ball?

Infomercial.

Let's see.

Weeble Wag Ball Infomercial.

Weeble Wag, you got to review.

Toy Commercial 2014.

That sounds about right when that might have happened.

Your four-legged friends are always looking to have some fun.

But when you're not around, they can be lonely and tear up the town.

Not anymore.

Introducing Wobble Wag Giggle Ball, the interactive ball that makes the most hilarious sounds,

turning a lonely day into a fun day of play while you're away.

Just a nudge from their nose and off it goes, wobbling around as it makes engaging play-with-me sounds.

Wobble Wag Giggle Ball uses unique sounds, colors, and motion designed to mimic human laughter and joy

to engage your dog's natural curiosity and instincts to play.

Maybe it's not for sale anymore.

Oh, there is a number. All right, there's a number there.

I don't see it advertised.

It's on this YouTube advertisement for it.

Whether or not they're open and taking calls for this or something else or if it doesn't work.

Oh, man.

Let's see.

I don't know.

I'm presuming maybe because I don't see a number on their site.

Thank you for calling the TrueTouch order line.

Your call may be recorded for quality purposes.

That's true as such.

The amazing five-finger desetting glove that quickly.

Ah, fuck you.

All right.

Let's stick to something that works then.

Rest in peace, people.

Wag, giggle, ball.

All right.

All right, so WonderCore Ab Workout.

That's all we got.

Oh, you can run them through the ringer, too.

Let me see if there's something I can pull.

Hi, thank you for calling to order WonderCore Smart for only five payments of $19.95

and $14.95 processing and handling.

You've seen it all.

This is Heidi.

Miracle pills.

And who am I speaking to?

And those unbelievable claims of incredible weight loss.

But none of it has even come close to working for you.

Well, quit wasting your time.

All right, can I have your first name, please?

Are you a computer or a person?

I'm a person.

What's 1 plus 2?

1 plus 2 is 3.

What's the square root of 2?

There is no square root of 2.

2 is a prime number.

Just like 3, 5, 7, 11.

13, 15.

Oh, shit, not 15.

Damn it, I failed it.

No, not 15.

15 is 3 times 5.

Oh, wow, listen to you, fucking math major over here.

You must be Asian.

Hey, okay, so yeah, I'm calling about the Wonder Core.

Okay.

Okay, can you explain this part right here for me?

And get the body that you've always wanted now by doing it the smart way.

That's right, with WonderCore Smart.

Okay, your WonderCore Smart is an exercise machine that really takes the place of three different exercisers.

You can use it as a stationary bike.

It helps you with doing crunches, with, I believe, sit-ups.

It helps you do quite a few different exercises, and they concentrate on the core, your stomach, your abs, your core.

Also, it helps with the thighs, depending on which exercises you're doing.

Okay.

It really is a nice little machine.

Okay. It's a machine?

Well, it's an exercise machine, yes.

Okay, all right.

I mean, it's not doing the work for you.

You're doing it.

It just assists you with being in the best position for doing the different exercises.

Like I say, it's not doing the work for you.

You're doing the work.

Okay, all right.

And so where does it plug in exactly?

It doesn't plug in.

No?

No.

How does it go?

What's that?

How does it go?

You're the one who's doing the work to make it, you know, well, you're using it.

To make it go?

I'm sure since you aired part of the...

Hey, shut up for a sec, please.

It goes, goes, it goes...

You know, like that.

No.

When you get on it, you're like...

No.

No?

No.

No, it's not going to make a sound.

Well, what sound that I'm supposed to make?

No, it's not electrical, so it's not making any sort of a mechanical type of a sound.

The sounds I'm going to make are like...

If you want to make sounds while you're using it, that's entirely up to you.

Sir?

Yes.

Okay, can we get back to the Wonder Core and the purchase?

Okay.

Okay, thank you.

Sir, is this a serious call?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Sometimes they black out, and I might have just said something kind of odd.

Sometimes they say I make weird noises or say odd things.

Okay, yes, you've said some things that were inappropriate,

and you've made quite a few noises.

All right, can I put my caretaker on then?

Okay, if you would like.

All right.

Oh, go ahead.

We're co-caretakers.

Yes, hello.

Hi.

Yeah, he just had a couple questions.

He wanted to know how you connected to the Wi-Fi.

It doesn't connect to anything.

Okay, he says the Internet, the Wi-Fi.

He said it was supposed to connect to the Wi-Fi.

Are you referring to Wii Fit?

No, no, the Internet connection in this house, the Wi-Fi.

Oh, this does not, it's not connected to the Internet.

The internet connection, he has it wrote down, Wi-Fi.

Okay, and I'm understanding, Wi-Fi, which I usually say Wi-Fi, I've heard Wi-Fi.

Oh, Wi-Fi, okay, okay, I'm a listener, so I thought it was pronounced Wi-Fi.

But no, this is an independent exercise machine.

It takes the place of six different exercisers.

Okay, what size batteries does he need?

It does not hook up to the internet.

It is a freestanding machine that you do the exercises on.

It's not pushing your body to do the specific kind of exercises.

You can use it for crunches.

You can use it as a stationary bike.

It takes the place of six different exercise machines.

That's amazing.

Yeah, which six?

I'm sorry, he's turning the TV up way too loud.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

He's got mental issues, and sometimes he has the...

Were there other questions that he's had?

What?

Why shut up?

What?

Ma'am, that's why there's two caretakers.

He's got the Tourette's.

Okay.

I'm the one that has to hold him down with other restraints.

He wanted to know what size batteries he has to put in this thing.

It doesn't take batteries.

It is not electrical in any form.

What? I can't hear her.

That's because you don't have the phone.

Why are you yelling?

Here, why don't you come over here?

Let's take another one of your pills.

Okay, okay, go ahead and continue.

Okay, it does not take batteries at all.

Turn the TV down and take your pill.

Go see David. Take your pill.

Yeah, I've got your pills.

Come on.

Come on, boy.

Go give David a kiss.

Come.

Okay, go ahead, ma'am.

Okay, it does not take batteries.

No batteries.

There are bands inside of it that you can use to adjust the resistance.

So it'll go from, you know, something that the person who's just starting to do exercises can handle

all the way up to something that will keep your most fit person toned

and give them a good workout.

Okay, hang on just a second.

David, he should himself change his diaper, please.

Okay, go ahead.

So there's, like I said, there's no batteries.

It doesn't plug into the wall.

It doesn't hook up to the Internet.

No Internet, no batteries.

Yeah.

No.

Okay.

It's an independent exercise machine.

Okay.

And did we talk price with him then?

Okay.

What I told him is it's available for five payments of $19.95.

Or if it's muscle size and definition that you want, just dial up the resistance and get the results that you're looking for.

How much is it?

What?

So now you can get the body that you've always wanted quickly and effectively.

Huh?

I can't hear her.

She says you need cash.

You need cash of $500 you need to give me so I can pay for this.

Oh, cash, okay.

Yeah, you give me $500 and I'll pay for it.

Go ahead.

If you're doing the payment plan, the first payment would be $34.90.

Can I make the payments at Sears?

Like, can I go to the Sears desk, service desk, and they take the payments there?

I don't know if Sears sells this.

If Sears does sell it, you would have to pay the full price.

I'm not working through Sears.

Yeah, but they usually...

And if you're in either California, Nevada, New Jersey, or New York,

there would also be sales tax that I would have to charge you.

Right, but don't they offer like a 20.9 credit card?

Yes, we can use a credit card.

We could use a debit card.

Absolutely.

Yeah, no, but when I go to Sears,

they say 10% off with the credit card offer.

I'm usually right.

Like I said, I don't know if this is something that's available in Sears.

I don't have a discount for you using a credit card.

In fact, if you were not using a credit card,

you would need to send in a check or a money order for the full purchase price,

which would be $114.70.

Oh, I don't handle that.

My caretaker's handling that.

Yeah, yeah.

She said $500 is what you need to give me so I can pay this.

I didn't give you $500?

In cash, yeah.

No, $7.

Remember?

$7, yeah.

That's with tax.

$2 for me.

Yeah.

I don't think this is a serious call.

We're going to do the lump payments.

You don't want to do the payment plan.

That's how they get people.

So do we just send the cash in, or how do we do this?

Okay, if you're wanting to do it with a check or money order,

you would make out, first off, did you live in either California?

No, I'm not in the men.

I'm not in the men.

No, no making out.

Okay, you make out your check or money order for $114.70.

Okay, don't say it so loud, okay?

Okay, because I got about $700 coming from this old man.

You're going to get your money, but not so loud.

And that check is made out to Wondercore Smart.

Okay.

All right, he's writing it out right now.

He just made the check out to...

It says...

All right, who did I make it out to again?

Yeah, she said to make it out to Wondercore Smart and Dwight McClanahan.

Wondercore Smart and Dwight McClanahan.

That's not me.

And?

David Snoswell.

D-A-V-A

S-N-O-S

Or Z

S-W-E-L-L

Three-party check

And then you mail it to

Wondercore Smart

And then basically you mail us the difference back then

No, you make

You send the check

Yeah, yeah, he made the check out to

Wondercore Smart

Dwight McClanahan, David Snozzwell

For $700

You'll take your $114, you mail us the difference back

We can't do that, sir.

No, you keep 20 for yourself.

Yeah, we're going to give you a tip.

You know what?

I don't think this is a serious call.

Goodbye.

Bitch.

I stepped over that with stupid commercial play, but that was funny.

It was funny.

I was like, oh, if y'all pay, I'll turn the TV up again.

Try to make something out of it.

Oh, go over there.

Go over there.

Take your pill.

Oh, that was nice.

That was nice.

You guys want to call Zappers?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I know a guy who likes to talk to samples and makes fucking friends with them.

And he's probably going to make dates.

Oh, nice dates.

That's good.

I know a guy who talks to them for like an hour and a half.

All random shit.

And they never ask to do an order.

Secret guy.

Did you ever get more Planet Fitness eye that I could talk about pizza?

Yeah, I had like three of them in the thing there.

Oh, the thing, the thing.

Let's find them again.

I'm looking up, don't worry

don't worry big guy

I don't know, do it again

yeah

and anything else I'm gonna miss

in the UK?

no, 20

Planet Fitness

yeah, tomorrow is

their pizza Monday

the first Monday of every month

they get pizza there

so Carly was ordering

ordering his own pizza

from them

there's the other two that i have for you in vegas maybe the corporate office can do a

lunk alarm and then tell them that pizza's canceled don't want to know more pizza let

me get an order for some real you know order something what can you get that's healthy

i don't know i don't know what would be what would be ridiculous maybe it's just sending

them mcdolls tell them to get a bunch of you know egg McMuffins um and have them cut out

cut them up in fours just give give them some tell them you want a whole pizza tell me you

You want, like, two barges to take home after your exercise.

Yeah.

Uh, what's Fix Me Stick?

Is that another infomercial place?

Yeah, that's the thing you plug in your computer and you're supposed to remove viruses.

Yeah, it's good for getting when you have penises on your computer.

I literally talked to them one time, told them my laptop was smoking, and asked them

if it would remove and make it stop smoking, and they told me yes.

If you already have a Fix Me Stick and need technical support, or would like to check

the status of your order please should i do one or two order because i imagine two they're gonna

want my shit my registration thank you so much for calling to order shut up shut up this is

katrina please note this call will be recorded for quality and training purposes you're so loud

jesus i don't really can you transfer me to someone who's not ethnic please because you

have that very sorry i'm not ethnic well you're i have your name please they could tell if you're

You're African-American.

You have the attitude.

Can you make...

I don't have an attitude either, sir.

May I have your name, please?

I can let you know about the order, the offer.

What do you mean?

What do you need?

My order?

Your name.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Ryan.

Okay, Ryan, as you saw on TV, we're offering a 30-day trial of the Fix Me Stick for $9.95.

Shipping and handling of $7.95.

Are you ready to order the Fix Me Stick?

No.

May I have some questions first?

All right.

and go ahead with your questions okay the fix me stick now is it usb yes it is okay does it have

the exe with it then the xe it's

It's a USB standard flash drive you put into your port, and it runs off of there.

Off of there.

Okay.

All right.

And how does it go?

Like, where does it go from there?

What do you mean, where does it go from there?

It just deletes the viruses and things off of your computer.

The signal goes out.

It goes out.

It doesn't download or anything.

It just releases.

It goes out to the computer.

Removed everything off your computer.

It goes into the computer?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, so it actually touches...

Computer or laptop.

Okay, yeah, it's a computer, not a laptop, okay?

Mm-hmm.

It goes into the computer.

It goes inside.

It looks around.

It says, hey, there's this problem here, right?

Okay, and I'm guessing, like, does it activate itself,

this profile, the genetic profile,

and then affect the surrounding T-cells

and inform them of the object that needs to be removed, the forward invader?

Is that how it works?

Whatever is going on with your computer, it leaks it off over there.

Right, but I'm saying, does this use CRISPR then?

Or, like, what kind of, what are we using here, stem cells?

If you're confusing the two, if there's no T cells or anything,

T cells is coming from your blood.

This is not coming from a computer.

What about the B cells?

B cells also, yeah.

All right.

And, I mean, where should I get the genetic tissue sample maybe for you to kind of culture some stem cells from the computer then, I guess?

Is that what you need?

Sir, like I said, you are mixing it up with blood and with other genetic material used in living life forms.

This is not for a computer.

So what I'm going to do is I'm going to disconnect this call.

No, please, no.

And hopefully you'll be able to talk to someone else.

Come on, labia, vagina.

Jaina, come on.

I was going to ask her if there was any danger of explosion T-cells.

You've seen the blood with the computers.

Oh, she knows what T-cells are.

Yeah.

Speak to the representative and learn more about the fix-me-stick.

You did a pretty good job at describing the immune response.

Hey, thanks.

Thank you so much for calling to order the fix-me-stick.

This is Katrina.

Please note this call will be recorded for call quality and training purposes.

May I have your name, please?

Hi, my name is Twain.

How are you?

Hello, Dwayne. As you saw on TV, we're offering a 30-day trial of the FixMeStick for $9.95.

Shipping and handling of $7.95. Are you ready to order the FixMeStick?

Yeah, I have like one or two questions before we do the order, if I could, please.

All right, what are your questions?

Okay, I have the Windows 7. Does this work on Windows 7?

Yes, it does.

It works on Windows 7? Okay.

And then I only have 2 gigabytes of RAM. Does that work with that also?

I mean, it's not downloading anything onto your computer.

It's just you're just using the FixMeStick to delete the viruses that have come onto the attack your computer.

So, yes, it's not a downloadable program.

Everything is done from the FixMeStick itself.

self it's a little self-contained device that is able to remove all viruses and spyware off

your computer okay so like i plug this like what does it use ac or dc power when i plug it into

the wall you don't plug the fix me stick into the wall you is directly into your computer

oh okay so the computer powers it then it's already self-powered you just put it into the

computer okay uh yeah i i gotta get it because when i got this this latest virus how that was

I was probably browsing places I shouldn't have, and it cracked my monitor, so I need this stick to fix my monitor.

Okay, it is not a glue stick, it is not a stick that was fixed to the screen.

No, no, I know it's not a glue stick, it's for the viruses.

It is for your CPU to...

Yeah, yeah, it's for the viruses.

Okay, now, so are you ready to order?

Yeah, yeah, I need it so it'll fix my LCD monitor.

Are you using this for a PC or a Mac computer?

No, it's a PC.

And might I get your last name, please?

Yep, McClanahan.

Can you spell that?

Yep, I sure can, because that's my name.

It's capital M, lowercase c, capital C, and then it's lowercase l-a-n-a-h-a-n.

Okay, and will this be MasterCard or Visa today?

Oh, I'm going to use my MasterVisa.

It's a combo for my bank.

It has both logos.

It has to be either MasterCard or Visa.

It says, no, it says the card name.

No, I have a credit union, and it has both.

It has both numbers.

Okay.

What are your credit card numbers?

Okay, well, the number is 40.

Expiration date?

It's 11 of.

The digit code on the back of the card.

One.

And your email address.

Okay, so I'm showing this address as not matching anything in the United States.

Well, it matches, because I'm sitting in my house right now.

Well, I'm so sorry, but I can't run the order.

because it's not, so I'm sorry.

I can't help you with this

order. Something's going

on with the address, so

just give us a call back

when you get an address that we

can work with. Have a great day.

Take the Fix Me Stick, put it in your pussy

and fucking upload and get the viruses out of there

you bitch.

There she goes.

Give her a legit address.

Speak to the representative and learn more about the Fix Me Stick.

As you want this, it's the Fix Me Stick.

Yeah, I got a question about the...

Thank you so much for calling to order the Fix Me Stick.

This is Katrina.

Please note this call will be recorded for quality and training purposes.

May I have your name, please?

Yeah, hi, Katrina.

This is David.

Do you need a last name?

No, sir.

Okay.

So this is the Fix Me Stick line?

This is for Fix Me Stick.

Yeah, okay.

I just have some questions about the stick.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, so I've got a laptop, you know, and I use it to play, you know, video games.

I play, like, MapleStory, and I also play League of Legends, and I have some problems with it.

I think I have viruses. Will this take care of them?

Yes.

Okay. So how does it work?

So I know that I've got a virus on my computer because I get these random images that flash around, you know, when I'm trying to play my games.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, it's pretty bad. So do you think it's a virus?

I mean, it could possibly be a virus if you have them pop up.

Yeah, they pop up, and they spin around.

It's pretty annoying.

But anyway, so this thing, if I understand correctly, you plug it into your USB drive?

Yes.

And then it eradicates the virus?

Yes.

Okay.

So how many do you get with an order?

I mean, are they coming in six packs?

You get one 60-stick that can use up to three computers.

Twelve packs?

Oh, okay.

And do they come in a bag?

No, you get one 60-stick that you can use on up to three devices.

safe okay great and uh do they come with uh uh plastic bags comes in a box no i mean for disposal

after you're done with them because they suck the virus up right and then do you put them in a bag

like my dog when i take my dog out for a walk she takes a shit oh you don't need to put it in a

plastic bag oh i thought hey can you talk to dwight i'm sorry i've got a frog in my throat

Dwight. Okay, sir.

Okay, sir. Um, y'all have

a good day. Bye. Don't wait.

Bye. Wait. Help.

Okay. Thank you for calling Fix Me Stick.

I love this place. Speak to the representative and learn

more about Fix Me Stick. I love that lady.

I got, I got, I got. Thank you for calling

Fix Me Stick. My name is Scott. May I have your first name?

Oh, what's up, man? Hey, this is

Orion. What's up, Ryan? No, A-Ryan.

What state are you calling from? Orion.

Orion. It gets people sometimes.

Okay, Orion. What state are you calling from?

Oh, I'm from Texas.

All right, all right.

Now, it's just on TV.

We're all giving a 30-day trial.

Try us out for $9.95.

Yeah.

Shipping to Hamlin, $7.95 is about the price of two medium pizzas to fix your computer.

Okay, yep, two medium pizzas.

They'll take light sauce, pepperoni.

No, that's about how much it costs to fix your computer.

Oh, okay.

You call it a fix-me-stick.

You ain't call it a piece of place.

Well, I mean, you were saying pizza.

I thought, yeah, maybe I could make an order.

I thought that's what you were saying.

So what kind of computer issues are you dealing with?

Oh, yeah, well, it comes up really big.

It has, like, these images that come up really big whenever, like, it makes this noise, you know?

I mean, I can play it for you.

You want to hear it?

Is it stopping?

Is it troubleshooting?

I mean, is it?

There it is.

I mean, it just started doing this every time I started up.

Oh, shit.

There it goes.

It crashed again.

What kind of computer is that?

That's not a computer.

Yeah, see?

I think it's...

Yeah, it crashed pretty good.

When you get tired of pranking people,

then call us back and we'll get you the fix-me-stick, buddy.

Fuck you.

Hey, put it under your hat.

The word's spreading around.

That sounds like a fan.

He was sticking something in a fan.

I was sticking a debit card to a fan.

I probably woke my wife up.

The word's spreading around the fucking office.

Like, son of a bitch.

These motherfuckers keep coming here.

Oh, shit.

Hi, Daddy.

How you doing?

Good times.

Uh, I figured quit around four.

Anything else we should get to?

You want to do a Zappers?

Michelle called it Zappers.

She's like, who is this?

Zappers?

Thanks for allowing our customer loyalty team to put a little Zappos in your day.

Oh, yeah.

Did you know that Zappos offers tours to...

Hi, this is Kevin from your customer loyalty team, and here is your joke of the day.

Wait.

What's in an astronaut's favorite sandwich?

Launch meat.

Good morning.

Thank you for calling Zappos.com.

This is Rochelle speaking.

How may I help you today?

Hey, hi, how you doing, big girl?

My name is Orion, A-R-Y-A-N.

It's not Ryan.

People get confused sometimes.

It's Orion.

Hi, Orion.

How may I help you?

Oh, how are you?

Pretty good.

I'm a little offended.

You call me big girl.

Oh, I just, that's, I mean, that's what they say now, you know?

Like, Rick Ross, and everybody's like, hey, big girl, give me a call.

No, I haven't heard that.

Well, I don't know.

No, I don't know what to tell you.

I'm sorry about that.

I didn't mean to offend you, all right?

I'm sorry.

You must be a big girl.

I'm sorry.

You probably got a big belly.

I'm sorry.

Can I give you a...

You know, if you're going to take it that far, I'm not trying to be rude, but I would,

in this conversation, if you're going to talk to me that type of way...

Oh, I'm sorry.

...I'll feel comfortable.

Yeah, all right.

The first time was an oversight.

The second time was a little intentional.

I'm sorry.

Okay?

But the shoe fits.

But, okay.

All right.

You have a good night, sir.

Okay.

Hey, you work for Zappos.

is the shoe fits get it have a good night got it it's the time of year b got him but she's got a

big pair of floppy tits all right let's try that again thanks for allowing our customer loyalty

team to put a little zappos in your day did you have a great day here zappos my name is ashley

how may i assist you oh hey sexy how you doing i was calling about a product that's on the website

site okay and how may i assist you today uh does it have like a school number i can give you i think

a skew number yes it's located on the right hand side that's above the price yeah okay um it's

eight two nine four three eight five i'm sorry that was eight two nine four three eight five

okay thank you so much and that is the to exist essentials long underwear yeah that's the one uh

You got the screen in front of you there, I'm sure, looking at the product.

Okay, and how may I assist you today?

Yeah, how about the unit on him, huh?

Look at that.

Was there anything in regards to the product that I can assist you with today?

Yeah, do you see, like, towards, like, the in-between-the-legs area there,

how the fabric comes in like that?

Yes.

Okay, is that common?

Of course.

Okay, do you see it?

It depends on the style.

style oh so look so look you see the knee area right and if you make your eye way up with your

eyes up the left leg all the way up until it stops and there's like this uh the bulge is there

you know you see how it comes down like that a little bit was there anything in regards to the

product that i can assist you with today yeah but you see how it comes down like a t is that the

fabric itself or is that the this person's um you know manhood maybe that causes that the second

The second option.

So, yeah.

Wow.

That's a good one right there.

It's nice.

It's got a root on him, huh?

Look at that.

All right.

Well, if there wasn't anything Zappos related, I will go ahead and disconnect the line.

Thank you so much for calling in.

Yeah, I just wanted to make sure of that.

Thanks.

Okay.

All right.

Do we have more SKUs for Zappos?

Anyone else want to take one?

Here you go.

Yeah, I'm just looking on the website.

Thanks for allowing our customer loyalty team to put a little Zappos in your day.

Hey, did you know that Zappos offers tours to the public?

How about the next one?

Good morning.

Thank you for calling Zappos.com.

This is Rochelle speaking.

How may I help you today?

Hey, I'm putting my friend on the line.

He's going to make an order.

Yeah.

Hey, Rochelle.

How are you doing?

Hi, I'm good.

How are you?

I'm doing pretty good.

Is he having a good day?

I am, yes.

Yeah, or night or whatever the hell time it is, wherever you are.

Yeah, I got a question.

I want to order a hat, and I'm trying to find the SKU number.

I'm on the Zappos website, and it's frustrating me.

I might shout at you and yell at you, and I apologize in advance because I'm getting very angry.

Okay, I think I found the SKU.

Is it where it says S-K-U?

Would that be the number that I give you?

Yes, sir.

Okay, thank you.

I was getting frustrated.

I was about ready to punch my buddy here.

I've got a problem.

and I've been seeing somebody for it, though.

But anyway, the number is 855-0525.

It's a sick hat.

Yep, the Columbia Noble Falls Hoosier.

Yeah, okay, well, I've got a really big head.

Do you think it'll fit me?

Let's see, well, it does come in a large, extra large.

It's the biggest size we have, so.

Oh, extra large, okay, because I've got a really, really big head.

And it's got the fur on it, right?

Yes.

Yeah, because I'm going to go up to Alaska, and I'm going to go up there, and I'm going to drink a whole lot.

And I need something that's going to keep my head really warm.

I'm going up there for a vacation.

Okay.

How long are you going to be there?

Oh, I'm going to be there for like a month.

I'm going up there in the wintertime because it's cheap.

I'm going to go up there, and I'm going to drink a lot of booze, and I'm going to try to pick up a lot of them Eskimo women.

And so I'm going to be, you know, needing a hat because I might be having to run away from brothers and dads and Eskimo chiefs and shit.

I'm going to be doing a lot of hood rat shit up there in Alaska.

Okay, well, I think this hat will be good for that weather.

All right, can you guarantee that?

Does this come with a money-back guarantee?

No, we don't have a money-back guarantee.

Oh, okay.

But you do have, you can always exchange it or return it.

Okay, so if I take it up there and I'm going to wear it for about a month, like I said,

and it might get stained and stuff like that,

and I can just return it when I get back home and get my $40 back?

I don't know if you get your $40 back, but you can always return it.

But it says you can always return it, so it means if I use it, then I'll just return it.

But we do ask that the items are unworn and it's a return.

Oh, well, I'll just say that it's unworn.

I'll just tell them.

Yeah, it's unworn.

I'll just tell them it came like this.

Then you'll wait a month to let them know that it came that way?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Why not?

Why?

If there's something wrong, you've got to give us a call and we'll try to replace it.

I just want to use it for a month while I'm up trying to, you know, get laid with the Eskimos.

Okay.

Well, if that's your business, what you do there.

Okay.

Just between you and me, I mean, I'm just asking you, is the return policy get a full refund?

If the item is unworn in its original condition.

Yeah, okay, well, I'll just tell them that was the original condition.

You know, I paid the money and I got it, and I'm very irate because I opened up the package

and that was the condition it came in, so that technically would be the original condition, right?

That's my word against theirs, yours, yours personally.

We do ask that you give us a call.

If you do receive something that's not to your expectation...

Okay, I'll give you a call in about 40 days, because I leave on Thursday.

Okay.

Hey, David.

Go ahead and give us a call.

Yeah, hey, hey, Dwight, this is Dwight.

He's coming with me.

Dwight, you've got to get this other thing for your trip.

What?

Hey, ma'am, he needs SKU number 840-0809.

This is my brother, Dwight.

He needs to take that with him.

I'm going to buy it for him.

No, you're going to, right?

No, I'm going to buy it for you.

You can take it on your trip.

All right, yay.

Okay, and what color would you like these in?

I'm not sure.

What are you buying me, Dwight?

This is a surprise.

She'll tell you.

I've got to go get the pizza out of the oven.

What is it, ma'am?

They're hanky-panky plus-size signature lace crotchless thongs.

Oh, I'll need an extra, extra large.

Okay, and what about the color?

Because I'm packing some meat down there, if you know what I mean.

What color would you like these in?

So I just need to make sure I get complete coverage.

Do you have a hot pink?

I do.

Okay, yeah.

hot pink on that. That'll

go good with the fur trapper

hat. Yeah, will it keep me warm

enough, though? I'm going

up there in the wintertime. I don't need

to be getting any frostbite

on the private parts.

Oh, you probably won't. You got on

enough gear, enough

snowsuits and snow pants, you'll be fine.

No, I'm just going to wear that.

The pink thong and then

the trapper hat. Okay.

Maybe a pair of boots. You guys have

them boots? Yeah, I'm pretty sure

we do. What size would you want your boots in?

Uh, I would need, like, the size

22. We don't

have a size 22, unfortunately.

Well, what's the biggest size?

I need them snow boots. I would have to see, but

I know we don't have them. Now, it's her

to go with the hat. Okay.

Let's see here. Type of boots

to go with that hat. And, of course,

it's got to be good for the Alaska

weather, so. Yeah.

You don't want anything too low.

You don't want cowboy boots.

What size did you need these in?

Well, it's the largest size that you have.

Well, it depends on the style that you're looking for.

Well, I just want something that looks good.

That looks good.

What about the color?

Oh, well, the color, like, if it could match the hot pink thong that I'm going to be wearing.

No, we don't have any hot pink boots.

I prefer a trapper hat, but something that just won't clash.

You have something like neutral, a neutral color.

Yeah, do you have any, like, hot pants, like hot shorts?

Hot shorts?

Yeah, you know, something like tight-fitting hot pants or shorts that say Alaska on the ass.

No, we don't have any of those.

Really? Why not?

I don't know.

I saw one at Kmart.

Why don't you have it?

I was at Kmart, and I saw they had that there.

I thought for sure I'd be able to get it at Zappos for cheaper.

I don't know about that.

Yeah.

So what are you doing?

What are you doing up in there tonight?

Helping you find and place this order.

All right, that's good.

All right.

Did you want anything else besides the hat and the crotchless panties?

Yeah, I've got another SKU.

Okay.

Yeah, it's 874-4489.

All right, so the Vivian Westwood sex key ring.

Yes, I definitely need that.

All right.

That's a must-have.

And I don't know if you got this other one.

I wrote down a bunch of SKUs.

I spent the whole day making my shopping list for the trip.

Yep. And so 874-6912. I don't know if I gave that to you before.

The Vivian Westwood sex bag.

Yeah, that's, how much are they per bag?

This bag is $513.

Okay, so, you know, maybe I might, do you have a lot of them in stock?

Yeah, how many did you want?

Well, I was thinking I'm going to be bringing them up there to give us, like, gift bags, you know, when I meet the natives.

Sure. How many would you like? Let's see.

Oh, I'm thinking I'll be up there for a month, maybe about 30 or 40.

I have three.

You only have three sex bags?

Yes.

Wow, did they sell out really fast or something?

I'm not for sure.

Oh, how many did you buy?

We only have three available.

Okay, I guess I just need two.

Or if this is getting that way, I can definitely transfer you to someone who can better assist you.

I mean, I just need two, and you have three, so I'll take two.

Can you describe the contents of the bags?

I just need to cross-reference them with my checklist.

I've got a bullet point checklist here.

It is made of patent leather.

It is made of the flap with a magnetic snap closure.

It has a gold-plated SEX hardware and iconic orb at front.

It has a woven interior feature, slip pocket, and back zip pocket.

Wow.

How big is the pocket?

I mean, is it big enough that you could just kind of slide on in it?

I mean, it is a sex bag, right?

it um the measurements of the bag the depth is 10 and 3 4 inches well that might be a problem

do you have any that are deeper than that no we don't have anything maybe like 14 inches is there

something else that i can help you with sir because if it's going to go this way i can

transfer you to someone who can better assist you oh who's that yeah let me place your hole

and i will go ahead and pull them up okay hold on one who is i'm scared oh my gosh i asked the

six bag the guy when they had the outage right what's that what was that did i do that john

his name was john i kept trying to get him to do it on his ipad or his eye he had an ipod i think

an ipod touch it doesn't look good i was like no somebody else wanted to take it when whoever

picks up oh yeah that's you bass having a good time that's awesome they're telling me six i haven't

done too much pranking in a while so this is kind of like a long one it's kind of running out of

steam it's 359 we have a minute let's get the vibrator out not me

oh go on y'all they probably stopped oh it's gonna take a long time double holding with these

people i keep that going in the background maybe they'll pick up we could do one more if we had to

do just hello yeah hello caller yeah hi yeah hi yeah we're gonna disconnect the telephone call

Why? We need to order the items

And have a great day

It's an emergency

All that just tells us

They're going to disconnect the call

I appreciate to see the whole story

And he called me big girl already once

Kept wanting to order

Crosses, paintings

How dare I

I'm done

I'm going to go

Thanks to

Dwight Baz

It's been a while

It's good to hear from you guys

Dwight the janitor

Dwight the janitor show

What is it?

Nobody likes Dwight

Well you know

I heard he's a motherfucker

Pretty much

No I'm kidding

You need to get with

What's his face

You know that guy

He's really wanting to get with you

for catching up some kind of cause of mass confusion or something.

Yeah, I told him Monday I was going to do it,

and then he sent me a message earlier.

He was like, are you going to do it tonight?

I said, motherfucker, I told you I was doing it on Monday.

Yeah, yeah.

And so next time he sends me a message asking me to do them earlier,

I'm going to stab him in the eye with a fucking plastic fork.

And he's not your boss.

All right, see you guys.

Bye.

And I guess that's you, the listener.

Your turn.

We'll let Nate Dogg and Warren G take us out of here.

Thank you.

Bye.

Have a good night.

Thanks for listening.

Have a good morning.

Calls (20, 1 h 35 min of 2 h 2 min)

Transcript

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