Sharmuta

white devil

no you shut up first

go to hell

hey buddy

watch your fucking mouth

well what are you

fucking going to do about it

you don't live under

a goddamn tree boy

I'm going to give you

a fucking job

but you know what

you go fuck yourself

I'm not playing

no fucking games dude

I

fuck you

son of a bitch

stop making us

get the cutting

you're out of

your crazy mind

you ain't getting

no goddamn dollars

I'll fuck you

all my life long

just my perfect

what are you

piss off

you're listening

to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

history the history will state what we are you don't know anything about you know astro climbs

a ramp and then off to cuba his big contention apparently went on something of a shopping spree

here in new york they lugged aboard numerous cardboard tartans listening to madhouse on the

largest prank call station in the nation prank call nation saying the crowds are reserved the

The jewels are the realm of those who deserve to die.

Wind, change, shipwreck, snagging again and anew.

Atop the mistakes of the past, so will light the trash-filled mind of a laser-bathed socialite.

Let us begin the story now.

I understand you've got some packing, packaging, uh, packaging, uh, positions open?

I think you've called the wrong number.

Uh...

Are you calling the health department?

No.

Well, yeah, I could.

You guys hiring over there?

For packaging positions?

Well, health department positions.

We're a health department.

No, you'd have to check our website to see if there's any hiring.

Do you have any positions available?

Do you have any inspecting positions, inspecting genitals, stuff like that,

grabbing genitals and touching, smelling them?

First of all, let me ask you a question.

How did you get my cell phone number?

Well, I called.

It's in the newspaper.

It says, for a good time, call the health department for touching genitals.

Really?

Yeah.

Who is this?

It says Big Whore.

Maybe we can help you out.

It says Big Whore.

maybe we can help you out

it says big whore

call this number

really

in the newspaper

big two page ad

unfortunately

Shaquille O'Neal's in it

for you we have nothing

Shaquille O'Neal's holding a used condom

in the ad

said I use this

there she goes

yeah

hello

hi everybody

I'm with you here with big

laugh track

Matt Hillock

the trucker

hey everybody

hey

I'm hearing the echoes

of me

god

damn it

you're hearing an echo uh yeah a bad echo well it's hang on hello hello it is a tiny chat

it's a tiny chat oh wait it's somebody playing and tiny you're not broadcasting the tiny chat

shouldn't be no no no no no no okay i think it's cool now maybe it was some music i don't know

yeah yeah i work i'm not making it up though i believe you i'm working on it's a new setup here

fixed upon some last week so uh evil artist here i think evil already you're here what's up man

hey bud hey buddy hey big guy you're good oh good what you eating i hear you eating over there as

usual some sweet potato did you get back on your diet machine or no just get back on now i gained

like 15 pounds back but like i mean i'm still under 200 well that's good good for you yeah

yeah i got back online about a month ago and i lost the weight that i gained already so i'm doing

good yeah fuck yeah all right and my monitor is changing colors i don't know why uh we're doing

daytime prank 70s in a while i'm super excited about it let's get some jobs happy columbus day

everybody heck yeah columbus day what what a great man yeah signed this country and he was

so nice to everybody when they got it yeah i got all the diseases and stuff speaking of the health

department uh let's try it man must have missed out that last number try it again it's your cell

phone i got to squeeze some penises in there and stuff thank you for calling please leave your name

oh come on hey brad's in the tiny chat hey everybody go to uh tinychat.com

slash prank call nation yeah prank call nation tiny chat right now and i'm in there watching

trolling or creeping he's just basically just banning people it seems like that's all i've

I haven't seen him do it.

Good.

What are we spinning?

All right, cool, man.

It's just about how the other regular IRC chat goes.

No, I said you're the one.

Oh, me?

Yeah.

Oh, I thought you meant Brad.

We're breaking up, man.

People can't do it.

No, me and you are the only moms in this right now.

We'll go in there so we can ban you.

Hello.

Good afternoon, RGIS.

Hello.

You don't have to be like that.

I'm calling.

This is Inventory Takers.

Position open?

Yes.

May I ask who this is?

Oh, this is Big Cross. I have experience stealing inventory, taking it home, and stuff like that, so I wanted to see if I could apply that here.

We don't take inventory home. We're looking for inventory takers to go and count our stores.

Okay, well, I can adapt that, probably.

Okay, so are there some more questions I can answer for you?

This is John.

Yeah, hey, what's up? How you doing?

Why are you being that way?

Oh, because I've been drinking. It's Columbus Day, so I just thought I'd drink a little bit.

What?

And I've been drinking, and I was looking at the paper at the job news, you know,

and I saw we had an ad in there.

I was like, oh, shit, fucking shit, you know, inventory takers, you know.

So I thought I'd give you a call.

Wait, what's your name?

John.

John who?

John Melendez.

Okay.

All right, listen, I know my rights,

and you have to take the information if I'm looking for a job.

Okay, well, I'm not denying taking any of your information.

You were just trying to find a way to hang up the phone and get out of this.

Well, I think that you're being pretty rude for somebody who's calling to get a job, actually,

and we like to hire professionals.

Okay.

Well, that's not up to you.

That's up to the decision manager, the hiring decisioner, the man.

The hiring decisioner.

The hiring decision man.

Okay, so I am one of the managers here.

Oh, that's nice, honey.

Honey, that's very nice, honey, that they let women be manager here.

I'll write that down.

I think perhaps you should just call back later.

I know my rights.

That's lively.

I'm not refusing you any of your rights.

Our website's listed in there, and you're more than free to go in and fill out an application.

Well, I have questions.

But I would like to have your name.

I have questions, though.

Well, you're going to have to call back when you're not going to be so unprofessional and rude.

Let me answer your question.

I'm going to be not rude anymore and professional from now on.

I have two questions.

Question number one, how many fingers?

What do you mean, how many fingers?

How many fingers can you fit up in there?

What do you mean, how many fingers?

She knows what I mean.

She was hoping it wasn't that.

From what I understand, every woman has tried at least once.

They've tried that.

Oh, why wouldn't you?

Every woman has tried to get off with the shower head, you know?

Yeah.

The shower.

Why wouldn't you?

I think my nephew is a Zodiac Killer by the way.

Oh, yeah?

his name and in a and the zodiac similar does he have a two-part name like no oh no that there's

three i guess well he does bobby joe everybody has it no but does he go by it all the time

like bobby joe no no no no i suck at drawing that wasn't my drawing that was the fucking

child this guy says my drawing is sick oh it's so funny yeah any of you want to call talk to her

arty maddie uh yeah i i could ask for a job i guess all right cool inventory takers

steal things no it's not that sir yeah i can apply it i can apply it i'm a thief good afternoon

kimberly speaking yeah hey there lady i want the job it's an inventory taker there okay can i have

your name please it is matt fucking hillock you'll have to call back when you're not going to use

for family. Goodbye.

Oh, come on, C.

Who did she think

you were at first?

John. Like, is that you, John?

I don't know. Yeah, I love it when they do that.

Yeah,

the only thing you can do is just go with it.

I go with it and usually turn it real sexual.

Like, yeah, I've been thinking about

you, you know, I want to fuck.

Usually the women are like, oh my god, John.

Jesus, what about

your wife? Fuck her. I've got some

weird situations starting.

all right speaking of which um matt i know all right so after dwight's show on saturday we were

trolling uh facebook live yeah you were you were watching that right yeah well yeah you thought

what's crazy shit i was saying did you say for the whole thing where i ended up calling us the

white devil and got to an argument for an hour with the mom no i just i i went in when you guys

first went in there and i was saying about like like that he needed to run back up in his home

like fucker and like all that shit he was like reading off the shit i was saying yeah well

yeah i was gonna say towards the end but not really because the entire hour of me

as the white devil uh just arguing with with the mom oh my god it's going on youtube it's

uploading now to youtube so it'll be on dwight's youtube oh wow yeah it's it's long but yeah it's

i like i like long what is what is everybody say that long things are bad if it's good i don't

mind i know yeah like every oh it's long but nothing wrong with being long 30 minutes yeah

i don't know this is like an hour i don't know how long do i edit it down to but you

get yourself a sandwich so bad oh my god there's pranks yeah but um yeah i got real crazy with

white devil going on man you know white devil it was like a lot of white devil

with me he's got a shirt that's a white pillow okay cool that's yeah that'd be good to wear

certain neighborhoods um let's go on with more jobs here oh i suck at prank oh wait i'm gonna

fucking mod here oh don't say you suck at practice yeah no i'm a mod i don't need to take this shit

all right so we got marketing and social media the recommendation he's come from parkman

you're currently work in la following he hand wrote them and then took pictures of the newspaper

you're following around all right so i currently work in la following kim kardashian and i want

to be a marketing social media management guy all right cool i'm a paparazzo uh dude with the

know your rights do people really need to um dude if you say you want a job do they need to talk to

you is that like a law or something i don't know i know there's a lot of equal opportunity laws so

i throw that at them and they probably get like oh my god you know yeah i think a person people

before making a mistake that's going to cost billions in a lawsuit they're probably like all

right fine it's all about being assertive on the phone man please hold while we transfer your call

this call may be recorded for quality assurance this is bullshit i see i know my right thank you

Thank you for calling Alex.

Because I want.

Please hold as we try to connect you to the next available representative.

For quality assurance purposes, this call may be recorded.

Oh, what?

I got a text holding a pedo bear pillow, like, doing, blowing raspberries.

Super funny.

Good afternoon.

Thank you for calling Alex.

This is Robert.

How may I help you?

Yeah, Robert, you need to take me off the speakerphone first, please.

I don't appreciate that.

and I'd rather have permission given before putting me on speakerphone, if you wouldn't mind.

All right. You are not on speakerphone, sir.

Clap your hands. I'm on speakerphone. You're lying.

Sir, you're on my headset. I'm in my office. I'm not on speakerphone.

Well, we'll see about that.

I'm calling regarding your marketing and social media management position that you're enrolling for.

All right. This is the service center.

Which campus location were you interested in speaking with?

Downtown campus.

Okay. I'll go ahead and transfer you over. And what is your name again?

Cross.

I didn't tell you before, though.

All right, no problem.

Let me go ahead and transfer you.

Because you said again, but I hadn't told you before.

I was making sure what your name was saying.

Okay, stupid.

Go ahead and transfer me.

Thank you, honey.

Excuse me?

Go ahead and transfer me, honey.

I appreciate it.

Thank you.

So stupid.

He doesn't know how to transfer the phone.

You hear him?

He's trying to hit the buttons.

I'd like to may help you.

Yeah, hi.

I'm calling regarding a position for marketing and social media management.

Who called you?

I don't know.

The guy from recruiting called me.

We don't have a guy here that does recruiting.

Oh, well, I got a call here.

I said the call here for marketing, social media management.

So I don't know.

Is there a man I can talk to?

Okay, who's calling?

Cross.

Cross?

Yeah.

That's your name, Cross?

That's my name.

And did you apply for a position?

I'm just trying to figure out what this is in regards to.

Marketing and social media management.

They usually tell me when something like that is here that I'm a little confused.

Well, I don't know, maybe...

Is this for a teaching job?

Well, they said the woman who answers probably isn't going to be involved in the process

because I guess they're going to be letting some people go there,

and they said specifically not to bring up to the woman who I talk to

that she's going to be let go by Friday.

Oops. Okay, never mind.

Scratch what I just said.

Yeah, I'm not sure who I'm supposed to talk to.

I'll take your name and number and find out who called you.

You'll put me through to someone right now.

So your name is...

You'll put me through to someone right now.

Advance your career.

I just took a long hard look at myself and I thought

First of all, it's not a position that's advertised as an associate's degree

I need a good education

I need to have a foundation in my life

It's too loud

Is unavailable

Record your message at the

Is unavailable

Well, it's called back

It's called back

My goddamn right

File transfer

Are you guys here?

Did I lose you too?

Gentlemen

Please hold while we transfer your call

This call may be recorded for quality assurance

I'm here.

Artie, Marty.

Artie, take it.

Good afternoon.

Thank you for calling

Internelli College.

This is Robert.

How may I help you?

Hi, I'm calling about

the marketing and social media position.

Who am I speaking with?

Artie.

All right, Marty.

Which campus are you trying to reach?

Well, which one am I talking to?

This is the service center, Marty.

We have one in...

The downtown one.

I'm sorry.

All right, no problem.

Let me go ahead

and transfer you over.

Thank you, bitch.

Excuse me?

You do know I can hear you, right?

Could you transfer me, please?

Good afternoon.

Hi, I'm calling about the marketing and social media position.

Just one moment.

College, this is Cece.

All right, now that you're the third person I'm talking to,

I'm calling about the marketing and social media position.

I'm sorry, say again?

I'm calling about the marketing and social media position.

I need a job.

I don't have an opening for that.

Are you sure it's at the campus?

Yes, I'm 100% positive.

Well, what openings do you have?

have um well that is not something that i am in charge of um let me see all right i really need

a job ma'am i'm out of money i'm down the i'm down to the resin out of the pipe you know how it works

right as far as i know right now at the campus we don't have any job openings um really it's it's

possible that one of the other ones does i mean i haven't heard of any but um i don't know how

How about we create a position?

I'll work there and I'll provide everyone who works there with good quality drugs

and everyone will be happy and that can be my job.

That would be amazing, but that is not my position to create jobs.

If you want to leave your name and number, I can pass it along.

Maybe if I was there, they'd give you a promotion and let you do that

because they'd be happy with me.

Maybe.

Would you like to leave your name and number and I'll pass it along?

Um, yeah, of course. My name is Artie. My last name is Snow. And, um, I got a new number. I'm

sorry. I have to, like, copy it down real quick. Right. Um, hold on a sec. I'm looking for it in

my phone. Five. What would you say your expertise is in? Anything at this point? Drugs. I mean,

I can, I'm really good at doing drugs. It's always been a... Well, I will pass that along. I'm not

I'm not sure that it bodes well for your employment, but I can definitely write that down.

Well, I mean, I can do a lot of crack, and I can literally work 24 hours straight if I need to.

Well, I will write that down, and I will pass your name and number along.

Never underestimate a meth head.

Have a good day.

You too.

Yeah.

Those are some people there.

Okay.

All right.

I can't believe she stayed on the phone that long.

She seemed pretty cool, actually.

She's nice.

Yeah.

that'd be amazing she said uh is matt back are you getting an echo by the way arnie did i fix

that issue no not at all i think i might have fixed it matt are you there matt i think someone

hurt matt's feelings saying he's bad at pranking uh no i went to certain we had another beer

oh yeah and and i uh i had to mute because i was laughing too like i'm turning into left

track matt again i don't know what's going on but that means you're coming back man you're

I've been

got a lot of THC

that's good

I've been drinking this

Budweiser Select 55 has 55 calories

per can

you know because of the diet

tell you what this is like a water

with a touch of yeast flavor in it

yeah

and it's 2.4 ABV

but 55 calories of beer

it has what 2.4

it's just water

dude yeah no i had to drink three of them for like my normal butt ice you know but just about

butt ice is what 4.9 i got two i do i drink beast ice that i have right now that's 5.9 yeah yeah

there you go that's and like yeah like i was like i have some ice houses too because they didn't

have beast ice but like the ice houses feel like i have to drink a lot more i'm like i need the

The Beast Ices, like, first, a couple, three of them for that 5-9 punch, it feels like.

Ice House, man, those were the first beers I used to drink.

Because Ice House made Red Dog, which you can't find anywhere anymore.

I hate it.

I just had one thing with the Red Dog.

Well, I've said before that the black dude who would buy us beer when I was in high school,

he would only buy us Red Dog.

He was like, I'll buy you beer, it's only Red Dog.

I'm like, why?

He's like, because, motherfucker, it's only Red Dog.

It's only Red Dog.

All right, whatever, man.

So we drank that.

Yeah, every once in a while he'd get his ice house.

That was always a treat.

Red Dog?

Yeah, Red Dog was fun too.

And if you turned the can upside down, you'd see Batman.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I used to, I was all about screwdrivers for a long, like when I couldn't, you know, buy.

And then Brass Monkey.

We'd just all just buy big things in Brass Monkey.

And they would freeze in the winter and just keep the trunk of the car just cold.

so wait a minute brass monkey that's a thing i mean it is right i guess the beastie boys are

singing about yeah it's like it's a it's a mixed drink in a bottle it's like garbage it's like

it's like vodka uh gin and keela i think and then like yellow flavoring four or something

This yellow, sweet, citrusy thing.

Screwdrivers are what?

Vodka and orange juice.

Vodka, yeah.

That is the, coming back up, vodka and orange juice, like, screwdriver is the worst.

Oh my god, man.

It looks like eggs, like raw eggs coming up, man.

You know what?

I used to tell Jack a lot, and it's probably just the taste, because that's what I drink.

Yeah.

You know?

That's just all so acidic.

think and like you know like i'd go to the 7-eleven get a super big old cup of ice and just

bite of ice and pour almost all vodka and just a little sunny d but like that was like drive around

drinking that it's so crazy that's yeah it's great good thing to share with the kids out there

off on the call this day yeah oh yeah yeah kids uh well you know what it always worked out okay

for me except one time actually i crashed a little bit and and i uh and i ran from the scene of one

and i hurt myself a lot and then i slept in a park all day and i got some burn from sleeping

against the tree in the park so yeah maybe don't do it or if if guys like take your keys don't be

sneaky and like take them back you don't have a point to prove if people are taking your keys from

they're looking out for you yeah like i should because i was all like ha ha i got like he's on

a jet it and then for this whole situation yeah yeah yeah you don't drink right really you're

not a drinker you never took me as a drink i never took you oh no fuck that already used to

drink success he was down at the springs that one day and was laughing the double tree oh yeah you

You pissed in the dump.

Those were with the Occupy Wall Street kids, right?

You just started drinking.

Yeah, we were doing drugs out in the, like, courtyard.

Smoking K2 and doing drugs and drinking.

And you pissed in a garbage can in a nice...

An officer told me I needed to leave the protest immediately.

I didn't argue with him.

Dumb motherfuckers argue with police.

No, yeah, that's right.

And OPD is actually pretty cool.

Like, the downtown Orlando police are actually pretty cool.

I'm with you.

The Luchette Slide.

He just told me I needed to go back up to my room.

And I'm like, yes, sir.

And wasn't it like you had seen your sister,

like your estranged sister,

for the first time in a decade or something?

Yeah, pretty much.

And she pretty much ditched you after that?

You're like, oh, we're going to hang out tomorrow or something.

Like, nah.

Well, no, she wanted to go to bed.

Oh, and you just wanted to...

Party doesn't stop when I'm around.

Well, you're trying to massage her and stuff.

uh nunu wants to know if y'all want numbers uh yeah sure new new numbers yeah numbers yeah

it'd probably be better if you message them to you though right on hex chat are you not on

hex chat right now i am it's irc but whatever you want to call it yeah oh i'm sorry yeah the irc

yeah oh no he's messaged it all to me message it to carlita since dead man please

You can't trust him to be the middle man.

They're going to come back all scrambled.

Dude, yeah.

It's going to be like letters and stuff.

Hey, he just gave me F. Muhammad

on Golden Hill Rock Road.

I call him like every week.

Nice, F. Muhammad.

Dude, that Muhammad on fucking Golden Hill.

Seriously, I call that dude

every fucking week.

So yeah, I'm sorry, man.

Please message us.

Oh, that reminds me.

me didn't we have uh who do we call that you said you wanted to call for your show oh on saturday

zack said he saved it ah zack i don't remember who was it an indian restaurant uh-huh was it

it wasn't an indian restaurant dwight's around he can't join us with family but he might have

access that number i don't remember what it was what was it that she got so bad dude my memory is

shit yeah me too but there was a good indian guy too we called uh yeah i remember him saying

i don't remember what the number was though but

i remember him saying like oh yeah i

got this saving this for party time his axe is probably knee deep in some uh world of warcraft

pussy right now so we can't anyone called um dewdrop recently he's got him some little lady

friend though it is what get out of here it's pretty cool yeah i'm gonna get married on uh

world of warcraft oh no and like like irl oh yeah yeah who's got prettier hair i don't know i haven't

i don't know i don't know if i've seen his broad but yeah huh he's not he's not on at all like

yeah if whenever he's on he's red um and he's not he's very disabled now so it's i don't he

keeps odd hours because he messaged me oh he said like everything was working out with the um

the fucking the the itunes shit yes he updated it all the way yeah yeah he said he's got he said

we've only he missed like in the total of all the years like three episodes couldn't be converted or

something okay good so that's cool like he's like he was really happy but he was messaging me that

at midnight okay good so he was working he was so everyone uh out there all your uh are you fans of

party time uh and there's always been a delay because it's on me to upload it and stuff i

I've finally trained Zax, and Matt's the backup.

Got to help us on how to do that.

So Zax is in charge now of uploading those party time shows,

so there will no longer, hopefully not, be that much of a delay as there has been,

which is exciting for everyone, exciting for me,

because I don't have to worry about it anymore, motherfucker.

Yeah, right.

All right, do drop in.

This is a request from Evil Artie.

Artie, do you have any stories?

Because every once in a while I bring up how we and then you and Lonesome Loser

used to do these pranks when i was when i first got really really sick in 2011 you guys called

charlie a lot you're the ones that figured out his cell phone number right from the forwarding

yeah because he had it forwarded at certain hours from the dew drop to his cell phone yeah and he

had one of those voicemails that spelled out the phone number right right awesome you talked to

him a lot and i'm like wait yeah but you never recorded those calls though man that's that sucks

We didn't have the equipment to do it then.

Have you heard from Lonesome lately?

I haven't heard from him.

I know he's all married and stuff.

I wished him a happy birthday a month ago.

Okay, well, that's good.

And he said thanks.

And then we talked eventually.

All right, cool, cool.

Also, we were talking recently on a show on the air.

You did the whole thing where the guy, Junkbuster,

where you told him, didn't he say you're going to be biting the jail bars

or something like that?

Is that true?

I think he said that to Reclude.

To Reclude?

No, he said it to you afterwards.

I'm pretty sure he said it to Reclude, and there's a recording of it.

No, he said jail stairs to Reclude.

He's like, you're going to be biting the jail bars.

Yeah, I think he said that to you, so you're going to be biting the jail bars.

Yeah, biting the jail bars.

I could just see someone like, ah.

It's so angry they're in jail, they're going to bite the bars.

Oh, I was thinking worse, because they're being painfully sodomized.

It's like you're having a stroke, and you put a wall in your mouth.

because they don't give you a pillow in jail

you don't get a pillow in jail

you just get like a thin mattress

like a yoga mat to sleep on really

so you can't really bite

I never even I never got that

far in like holding it was just

it was just a metal bench

you know like

or I got

I stayed one time at the

old police headquarters at the

11th and State and this was like

it would be cool to have

the the old like three plank benches you know like like off the wall like old dungeon style

looking this is just ancient wood oh like so a big long one and the two things holding yeah well

no no just just three big long ones you know enough to make like a bed size thing but just

like big big bulky like like you know like some dungeons dragons looking wood okay kind of but

It was really cool looking, but I was scared in there.

Oh, you were scared.

I was in there all by myself.

And we had a family friend that was looking out for me.

But one time I woke up, because I just slept most of the time.

But one time I woke up and there was some dude on the other bunk.

And I went to sleep and then he was gone.

So I don't know what that was about.

If he was a ghost or a beast.

He's a ghost.

He's your guardian angel.

Yeah, right?

Everything did work out.

Do drop in. Let's get some shingles

a mile away.

It's kind of early.

You might be there cutting onions. Cutting shallots.

Hey, did Nunu ever send you

those numbers? He just sent them to me.

8083

That's not giving up.

Yes, he did. Hang on.

Thanks, Nunu.

Appreciate it.

Where's Milkman's birthday? Yeah, we're going to do

a Milkman birthday show. It'll probably be the

the day before his birthday

so it'll be October 30th. That's a

Sunday. Or actually

it might be the 29th instead so we can go late.

That'll be a Saturday. So there'll be a

Halloween weekend.

Halloween's on a Monday this year.

I am

going to a new neurologist that

day. I'm pretty excited.

A numerologist?

Neurologist.

A brain doctor.

Oh, I thought you had an appointment

with the numbers guy.

i'm gonna you know get some acupuncture okay and uh i'm gonna read some tea leaves

i'm gonna get your palm read yeah i can tell you about my fucking future

i gotta pee this beer is going through me of course it is just enough alcohol to make it a

diuretic pretty much that's all it's good for is it'll make your pee really bad you gotta have

like 10 of them might as well just be drinking old duels or something oh might as well drop some

rubbing alcohol in the water

I don't know, yeah dude

like, what, I

even like the states, there's some

states that sell 3.5

and I got that by mistake one

time and I was furious

like I couldn't imagine 2.

something, yeah

at least that's what Google said, I don't know

alright, let's see if I get this international

dialing right, here's R. Muhammad

A.R. Muhammad, Matt take this

yeah it's working, take this, I gotta pee, I'll be back

entertain the kids after

hey what's up there mr muhammad hello hey how are you today today good what are you doing what's

going on today what are you doing this evening what are you doing okay do what now huh hello

how are you i'm very good very good this is very good you're not the you're a mr muhammad correct

correct sorry i'm mr muhammad in the uh uk i think you're a nunu number right yeah do you know nunu

hey do you know nunu no i don't know what what do you say no do you know nunu because i believe he

He supplied these, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, so Nunu gave us the...

Huh?

Nunu gave us the...

It was very nice of him.

And Carlito was drinking this beer that the internet says it's only like...

Are you drinking?

It's only like two and a half percent, so it's just enough to make it go right through you, you know?

Are you drinking?

Oh, yeah, yeah, a little bit, a little bit, you know.

How many drinking?

One button?

Three, three so far.

Ah.

How about you, buddy?

A little bit, a little bit, maybe?

I am.

Yeah, yeah.

How many are you drinking?

Three, four.

I'm drinking at the moment, Beast Ice.

Lager.

Beast, oh, no, no, no.

I'm drinking Beast Ice.

Beast Ice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It says it is ice-brewed for a crisp, bold taste, my friend.

That's what I'm talking about.

Very good.

You're the best.

I'm going to have to get this number from Carlito when he returns for party time.

I know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We'll have to save it.

and uh yeah definitely most definitely oh are you sure this isn't like the dead

is this muslim the dead hello yeah oh hey buddy how you doing this guy's awesome

i've just been talking with him he's just shooting the shit with you yeah yeah that's good

yeah we lost uh evil farty yeah yeah

we'll keep them on stay on mr muhammad we're gonna yeah this guy we're gonna call more people

with you all right hello hi is this miss muhammad where are you coming from oh we're calling from

the the national association of people for the study of people how are you oh because we have

We have an appointment with A.R. Muhammad today.

A.R. Muhammad?

Yeah, we have an appointment today with A.R. Muhammad.

You don't have this person here?

You don't have Muhammad there?

No, I think he's the wrong member. He keeps phoning all the time.

No, I just called once.

Shut up, you.

No, you shut up first. Go to hell.

Idiot!

Alright, here's another Muhammad.

Okay, so this...

That's the one you sent me?

this ar ar yeah so how do i zero one one before the copy how do i copy uh maybe you can just

i don't know how to do you can't hey can you send it just to my skype thing oh you don't have a

oh yeah oh i can just copy it oh here you go you don't have a mouse fuck i don't i don't know what

dude was all about he was fun though i could hear from over in the bathroom

I was here to have a good old time

Until the woman got on

Me and him

He's like you drinking

And I was like yeah

This is like the third one

He's like are you drinking

I was like beast eyes

He's saying beast eyes

Beast eyes

And then he's saying

Me too

Four or five vodkas

Those people don't drink

I don't know

No, I don't even know if he really was the Muhammad.

Yeah, hi, I was calling for A.R. Muhammad.

Hello?

Yeah, hi, goddammit, I'm calling for A.R. Muhammad.

Can I get a piece?

What? Shut up.

He's a fucking shit-off.

Yeah, shut up.

Who are you fucking calling again, you fucking moron?

You fucking bastard.

Stupid.

Little frickin'.

I thought it was a girl, it was a boy.

Oh, I thought it was, I pictured kind of a little fat kid, a boy, but that's what I thought.

Well, yeah, I think you're right because he's speaking better and has good diction, you know, so yeah, yeah the second-generation one

Yeah, I like I like these like dude. You got the best play taking around music. Hey, thanks, man

Like really you get good loop. Oh, darling. Hey, buddy. How are you? Thank you. What Sharmouta?

Couscous

There you go.

A little sharmuta there for you.

What's a sharmuta?

I think it's like a dog, a bitch dog.

What is sharmuta?

I just know it's an insult there.

Couscous omic is your mother's cunt.

Sharmuta is a word to describe a whore or a hooker.

There you go.

Okay.

Yeah.

Sharmuta.

In Arabic, of course.

All right.

Sharmuta.

remember write that one down sure move to uh write that dude did you ever watch this show

look around you don't swim no it was really good it was like a fake um a fake like like 60s or 70s

like science show right but like it's set like you know it's like made for school and like they

would always do dumb shit and say write that in your copy book like like all this you know like

Like, dudes are boiling their hands, and there's, like, one about ghosts.

It's really good.

It's called Look Around You.

Boiling their hands.

One of the main, it's just weird, but one of the main guys was the roommate in Shaun of the Dead that was in the shower, the one that Turk got zombified.

That's nice, interesting trivia of shit that nobody cares about.

There are so many adult swim shows I don't even know about.

Like, I just learned today there's one with Charlie Murphy in it about Black Jesus.

I didn't even know about that.

Oh, yeah, Black Jesus is pretty good.

Yeah, is it?

Dude, the Eric Andre shows have been the shit lately.

And check it out with Dr. Steve Ruhle.

It's super loud.

All right, what's the word on Rick and Morty?

Is that December?

I love it.

It's fucking amazing.

What?

Season three.

Is that December then?

Is that what the deal is?

Oh, it's coming out.

Yeah.

I saw, like, a silly little teaser.

Oh, did you see that quick little animation they did of that court scene?

No.

like well they did some thing for like comic con it's just like like rick's the judge and

or morty's the judge and rick it's it's just it's made up like just banter the two guys

and quickly drawn but some guy like took it and colored it in and it looks fucking awesome okay

so it's a scene from the next season or just a side no it's just it's just a guard it's fake

i mean it's just it's nothing it was just the the two the guys that play those two just talking

and shit and but it's really cool so i have to send me a link to it i believe so i'll have to

check that out all right uh let's do some more jobs and new assembly and pack assembly all shifts

and packers second shift yeah i want to be a packer yeah oh yeah you can't assemble the

The suggestion, handwritten, you can't assemble anything with Tarhashi because one is always down your pants.

Oh, I can't assemble it with two hands.

Okay, I got it.

Gotcha.

What?

Because one hand is always down your pants?

I can't assemble anything with two hands because one is always down my pants.

I like that.

That's funny.

Oh, okay.

Oh.

you know you know there's like a lot of like when i walked around electrical shit there's a lot of

that you're only supposed to touch inside cabinets with one hand and shit so you don't

ground yourself out oh that's a good idea there's a lot of like like working like only one hand

inside the thing but i don't know because i the one time i did get really i got a 540 like arm to

arm it's because i was touching the cabinet and then fucking hit the thing right arm like somebody

just grabbed my shoulders like this shit's scary man and and well it's cool because it made me go

off like that's like and that was in the basement of a fucking staffing solutions this cynthia how

can i help you hey big cynthia i see you have some assembly positions open for all shifts

Yes.

Okay.

Have you been registered with us before?

No, but I can't assemble anything with two hands.

Is that a problem?

No.

Because I always have one hand down my pants, you know?

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

What shift are you looking to get?

Any shift as long as I can, you know, have one hand down my pants the whole time.

Okay.

Do you want to come in for an interview tomorrow?

Sure, yeah.

Am I going to have to shake hands when I'm there?

No.

Okay, because then I would want to start off just with my left hand on my pants then, you know?

Unless you guys are cool shaking hands with the left hand.

I usually keep my right hand on my pants.

Okay, you can come in tomorrow for an interview and just bring your social and your ID with you.

Okay, and I'm going to have my hand in my pants the whole time.

But like under, like in my pants and my underwear, like on my private parts, that's where my hand goes the whole time.

Wait, what?

Yeah, that's what I mean by hand on my pants.

Like I always have to grab my junk the whole time.

No.

Well, I mean, I know my rights.

You can't say no like that.

Give me one second.

Okay.

Equal opportunity.

Ah.

Damn.

People are saying, is that an ADA protected condition?

I keep touching myself.

Yeah.

That's what Sunshine just said.

Is that an ADA?

Just say.

Like, you want the ADA, don't you?

Imagine explaining this to someone.

Oh, you're right.

Hello?

Oh, f***.

Sounds like Carmen Sandiego.

when I used to play it on

in the library with their old freaking

Macintosh computers.

You and your edgy tape.

Faking me out like they're picking up.

Sounds so old.

Video gaming.

It has like only one channel of sound at this one.

You know what I mean? They're not even trying to

pre-ANYS.

It ain't layered

audioly at all.

I saw a YouTube video that explained how

NES music worked. They had to do all these tricks

because you could only do, I think, four or five sounds at once.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's kind of wicked.

You'd have to mix drums and tunes at the same time.

Are you still getting, um...

I'm getting an echo from you now.

Yeah, I hear that, too.

But yourself.

That's what you were getting, an echo before from yourself.

Yeah, but...

See, watch the echo goes away.

That's their clients doing that.

See?

Why didn't I bring him?

No.

We'll have to call someone else in the meantime.

We'll keep the song going.

I'm a little concerned because I was trying to do a three-way call before,

and it didn't go down let's see if it works now connecting i watched the good documentary about

the guy that got the billion score on the nibbler game yesterday called man versus snake it was

pretty good this is chris hey honey how are you good what can i do for you i'm calling for job

warehouse workers have you applied with us online uh no i want to go there and kick and punch people

excuse me i'm going to go there and kick and punch people in the private parts and what is your name

uh cool who akulu what is your name akulu okay look we don't need people like that to come and

apply okay thank you for calling shut up hello uh of course they pick up went to the other line

and they had already picked up and shit damn it let's call them back that was the packing job yeah

let's see here call the packing

i have to figure out why i can't conference

good afternoon staffing solutions how may I help you hey honey I was calling for the job

I was on hold for a while what is your name uh my name is Akulo I'm sorry Akulo okay okay and

you're registered with us no this is for assembly job we have several jobs available you will need

to come to the office and register I was talking to another nice lady not you mean lady like you

I'm sorry I was talking to a nice lady not mean lady like you okay give me just one second then

okay yep right number i like it see look at the settings here because i like being able like like

one call on hold and i still call the other and i conference him it was fun

the song will be my head all day i liked uh i liked watching you set up the uh the itunes account

for zack's the other day oh yeah i like watch my kind of shit or tell them what to do

yeah i'm just glad he remembered it all he said he was a little foggy in the head

at that time uh account information media server settings

hey that's gonna be a problem if i can't conference because the milkman's on here

he's on the phone and i have to conference him and adam shit you can't you can't just

you can't call out from your skype just do it no it's all blocked the skype pretty much

is blocking me all together just get a new skype no they always they always get me dude i man and

knock on wood but i've kept this this fucking this one's been around for a long fucking time

like i don't do anything too shady with it spend a lot of money getting new accounts and

no but i mean if you just if you don't like pay ahead if you just get like if you just get u.s

calls us and canada that's like four or five bucks or something and you just pay once a month

and then you could call like everybody you know like i get i get unlimited world and it's like

eleven dollars or twelve dollars or something you know that's not bad it's not and like it's just

like i know i got fucked a few times a brag i fucked because like you do the you buy like six

months because it'd be cheap you know cheaper in the long run but then they'd fucking they

nuke your account like you do something i i was freaking out during that like skype outage the

other day there was a skype outage i i i said that like i don't i went and looked some people

calling it wouldn't connect the phones like it would call like the echo sound test and it would

call people on skype but then you couldn't log back in this is melissa all right this is aqua

I was calling regarding the warehouse workers, customer service agent.

Global is an end-to-end commerce provider offering best-in-class services

and solutions to leading fashion, beauty, and lifestyle brands.

What can I help you with?

Is looking to fill the following full-time position, warehouse workers.

Hello?

Thank you for holding this, Cynthia.

Oh, hey, Cynthia.

Was I talking to you earlier for assembly job?

Yes.

Okay, yeah.

What did you find out?

I said you can come in tomorrow for an interview.

you just bring your social and your id with you okay what kind of drug test do you have uh we can't

tell you that over phone well i know my rights you have to tell me ahead of time if you want to

come in for an interview i'll see you here then you have to tell me about the drug test and what

kind it is because i have matt on the line he's going to provide the urine come in for an interview

tomorrow i'll see you here do you do drug test there do you send me to the diagnostics lab

we'll send you somewhere do you watch my penis while i urinate into the um the cup

oh my god we can't tell you that yeah so i it's so funny that jobs still like care about that

like this is our weird smugness about like i can't tell you because we wouldn't want a person

like that around a drug person yeah yeah i mean it's i mean weed isn't i mean i guess if you're

not showing up it's not i mean dude who does this that's stupid like it's and it's the one

that sticks in you the longest is the craziness the one that does this at least is the one that's

16 the longest yeah yeah yeah professor yes dear will there be any extra credit i am so glad cool

rob is in the house what up buddy cool rob crazy guy he's in the pen chat you want to do a job call

Oh, it's your turn.

You're up.

Oh, sure.

I just need to ask what I'm thinking.

Hang up on me.

If anyone else from the Associated, the Allied Prankers are out there that want to join,

if you happen to be out and around, just do that.

Let me know.

I'm enjoying 55-calorie beer.

My beer water.

I really think all Budweiser's doing is taking the regular beer and adding water to it until it's 55 calories.

Oh, man.

I still can't get down with that percentage.

I didn't even look at that percentage.

But still, I mean, I might be better off just having, like, a regular beer.

If I'm trying to get a buzz, then I'd probably just get regular beer.

You could probably have, like, a couple of real drinks and then stick around with those.

I'd also just drink scotch, to be honest with you, or something, you know?

Or a clear liquor.

Liquor?

i hardly knew her yeah i love my favorite joke i love that shit never gets old

i even had mama hillock saying that for a while i say like

would say something about that like i was at the liquor store and she would say like i hardly

knew her it was fucking dope what is that beer bud 55 select 55 select 55 all right so look here

we got all right so you got your choice you got mechanic you got forklift forklift forklift driver

driver um machine tender bag catcher i thought it was bug catcher which is like dudes that are

trying to get aids hiv oh yeah i know about yeah yeah the books and this one here which says uh

pta but their ship doesn't say what it's for uh driver forklift drunk that sounds fine call

yeah 2.4 i'm looking at it dude i can't believe that that's that's like unfathomable

what's the point man

look I didn't know until

I know I know

I didn't know until after but hey

yeah

yeah right I never

would have thought of it what kind of job

am I getting uh forklift driver

leave your name

bitch alright mechanic drunk mechanic

we can do that yeah

you can be drunk anything you want

hello you have reached the voicemail of

Aaron Bartels I am

Hey, I sent it, I put it in the chat, does that work?

That works, it's perfect, yes, and I see it, here we go.

Fuck your mother.

He's in Vegas, this guy.

Oh, yeah, like, oh, we, uh, we, you know, Google mapped him and, like, talked about being around the corner and, like, all this, yeah.

Oh, man.

All right, let me, uh, let me change the ID to something local then, that might help out.

I don't give a fuck.

Because he was always just a weird old man.

But then he's like, I'm rubbing my pecker thinking about you.

Pecker made me think that, holy shit, Roy Boo went off the chain.

Yeah, you might be able to just bullshit him for a while.

I hope they didn't turn him off.

Because, like, I didn't even get the voicemail anywhere.

You remember that?

Hello, sorry, we can't take the car.

We can't.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

It was messed up the one time

he said his kids died of the cancer

and I started laughing.

It's a weird thing because he says

the kids want

to give it to us.

This one is just the funny one that just

says, thanks for calling Aaron

and Jim. That's that one.

There goes Phil.

No Phil. Phil is nice.

I think Phil

not to blame

but

I poked

Smott was calling Phil a lot, too.

You know? So he's

getting calls late at fucking

night then. Please leave your message for

Aaron and Jim.

Did he change the voicemail?

No, that's a different

person, but it's just Aaron and Jim.

That's the number I like to call.

Just to hear that. I don't know.

There's always Isabella also.

Yeah.

But that's your show. I don't want to take your shit.

I guess this is a pseudo...

Isabella. Well, this is like

my time yeah oh yeah i don't i don't know where's fucking zack's at that fuck yeah well he said he'd

be home today like for like in two hours so maybe there could be all right so i don't know you guys

go on then yeah yeah i don't know i don't know if i'll need a nap but i don't know but if not

we'll definitely do one this week yeah yeah all right here's another a muhammad this one goes

goes out to new new that owl son of an owl we got lots of job calls too did you see the one

muhammad's on golden hillock road and hillock road says let me see we gotta get that we gotta

put that yeah i see it i swear that's gotta be that's gotta be uh a muhammad that i call all

the time hello hello come on i'm trying to get sharp mood is i'll call that first muhammad too

Dude, my back and shit's been so fucking tightly...

You gotta do squats.

I had this, like, knot up here the other day, and it was so bad, like, and my mom had this

little, like, ball roller thing, like, put it, it just hurt, like, when it touched it.

It was so...

I don't know, it's, like, my shoulder, it's my shoulder, and I know it's from, like,

walking with the fucking walker and like because my left leg won't go step up high enough i'm like

really going up on my right toes with like every step i'm like handling penduling it around and

i'm pushing up with like my right arm kind of yeah and when i first broke my ankle and i first

started using the walker i would wake up i'd be all right when i wake up and i'd use the walker

like to go to the bathroom for the first time my arms were like my shoulders and arms were in so

so much fucking pain, so they started putting

these patches on my shoulders,

just direct on, you know, like those

pain patches and stuff.

That helped out, but they were super cold coming out

of the fridge at the hospital,

so that would make me shit. Ah, this is fucking nice.

That was a mess. It was a fucking mess.

Alright, here's F. Muhammad. You take it.

Okay, is that the one?

Yep. That's the one I always call, though.

I'm going to see. I don't want to know.

Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hey, is this

Mr. Muhammad at Golden

Yeah, yeah.

Put the man on the phone, please, lady.

Huh?

Put the man on the phone.

Do it now.

Now.

Yeah, you, Sharmuta.

Yeah.

Couscous.

Sharmuta, couscous, shut up.

Bitch.

Sharmuta, you.

you uh i'm gonna speak to mr malabar god she sounds like a little muppet i uh i've talked to

him a bunch of talk to he's got like some like teenage like kids or something that they they

speak like just english you know like uk english yeah and they like eventually after he'll get

get frustrated with me and put one of them on the phone and uh but yeah i think how

common that lives on golden hillock road is that funny lady hello hi i was calling for the

miss muhammad sharmuta i was calling for miss muhammad sharmuta that's disgusting you do know

that yeah well fuck right back up where you came from and stop calling our line well fuck her in

every hole she has no that's disgusting can i can i talk to you yeah what is that

it's a new banjo it's a new hotness that's

i never got on a banjo thing it's the perfect time to jump on the sharmuta train okay yeah

Yeah, like you got to catch a trend on the sub-swing.

You got to strike while the iron's hot.

That's what, yeah, like I felt, I felt that I didn't get on the banjo thing at the beginning.

True, true.

I'm like, I'm just like, yeah, like old man saying, yo, all right, I guess I do that.

Whatever.

All right.

They hung up and picked, they picked up and hung up real quick.

I hate that.

That's, that's bad customer service.

That's the cancer.

All right, we'll call back inventory takers here.

I like that lady.

Sure.

Taking inventory.

My dick.

And go to tinyjet.com slash prank call nation.

See me in my Halloween setup.

I got a mummy.

I got five.

Good afternoon.

Kimberly speaking.

Yeah, hi.

I'm calling for inventory takers.

You're looking for inventory takers, or you're calling about our help wanted ad in the paper?

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

What can I answer for you?

Well, where do I send the thing?

How does it go?

You apply online on our website.

Okay.

How do I do that then?

Where do I go?

Where do you go?

If you just go to our website and you're going to look at careers and you'll follow the prompts.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Hang on.

Just one thing at a time.

I'm kind of new to this.

So website, what do I open?

What do I do on the computer?

Do you have the Help Wanted ad?

Well, I'm calling you, right?

All right, and I have a computer.

Okay, so did you go to our website?

Well, that's what I'm asking.

That's why I'm calling.

The web address you need is in our printed ad.

If you go to there and select careers, you can follow the prompts to submit your application.

I am in our printed ad?

I think that you should call me back after you have submitted your application.

Well, you said I'm asking for the website.

In our printed ad.com.

Nope.

I know my rights, lady.

Okay, well, there's that.

that so we tried the mechanic already that didn't work we get this house here which is what now

must pass mass possessed valid driver's license uh i can't freeze i think uh matt's uh muted

himself we have an extension with this one my guess is it's going to go to an informative

voicemail but let's find out i'm sorry that's not a valid extension no no no i'm not doing this

right now not dealing with that i don't have the time or patience now it's not the time or the

place uh cleaning positions open and available we'll try that here we go

hey buddy hey bro getting a cleaning job hey what happened with the job did you get it hi

you reached heather gilliam i'm so sorry i missed your phone call if you could leave me please hold

while i try that extension what's up goodbye oh come on what's up with the animated avatars on

on Facebook now, huh?

That's really...

I don't like it at all.

No, sir, I don't like it.

Like a horse would say.

Mr. Horse would say.

Anyone who does that,

I don't know.

What happened with the job?

The job?

Did you ask for a website?

Is that the one?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

The website, right?

Yeah, she didn't want

to deal with it.

She just said

to call her back

when I had uploaded

the thing.

The resume, I guess.

Applied, registered,

whatever.

Can I call about

What about the job?

Absolutely.

Let's call her.

She just sent a fake resume.

I like the cut of your rapport with that lady.

The cut of my jib with her?

The cut of the jib.

Isn't that some boat talk?

What kind of job is this?

Boat talk?

Boat talk.

Sounds like a crazy, shitty podcast.

Talk boat talk.

Talk about forcing a boat trip.

This is just all about boat loop.

Here you go, inventory takers.

Take it away, Matt.

Kimberly speaking.

Hey, I'm calling about that job I posted.

I really want you guys to stop calling, okay?

If you call again, I'm going to consider this a wrap.

I'm not completely the same person.

Stop calling.

How many fingers do you have?

I am a completely different person.

Yeah, animated avatars on Facebook now.

I just don't like it, man.

It's kind of rude.

I don't mind it.

It's taking up bandwidth on my phone.

oh i'm not worried about i got pretty quick in a minute oh did i tell you i switched to that

fucking five gigahertz instead of the 2.4 whatever the what my wi-fi thing oh yeah

my internet downloads went from like 20 which i thought was really good 20 down and like i'd get

like 20 up and now it's like fucking 90 down and like the fucking 80 up or something crazy

yeah so what'd you get that wireless switching that you went from wireless b to ac i don't even

know what's yes whatever you know how there's the like but there's there's like 2.4 and there's five

and so i got a an external just you know usb one that's a dual thing and it's faster than shit i

guess like the theory is it's because 2.4 is getting so full okay that it's not really that

that much faster but there's no like you don't have all the saturation in the yeah like because

i mean when if i go to internet like dude i'm in a like a fucking downtown apartment and there's

just like everybody all the offices around and everybody in these apartments that's true that'll

screw you up there yeah well you know i'm glad he moved up and then eventually they'll everyone

Everyone else will move up.

We're sorry.

Your call cannot be completed as dialed.

Please.

Okay.

I'm happy as fuck with my provider.

It's weird because they, it's not weird, but they microwave it to the fucking roof.

Okay.

Yeah.

That's like, I didn't think that that was that fast a thing.

We're sorry.

Your call.

You got that microwave to the curb.

Well, they got the microwave to the roof and then like, uh, like they ran like, like

like, Ethernet cables through the whole

building. Okay, that's good.

So I guess, like, maybe in the

future, since there's cables...

Our regular business hours are Monday through Friday,

8.30 a.m. until 5 o'clock p.m.

Eastern Standard Time.

Wait while I transfer your call.

Sorry, it's not available.

Record your message at the tone.

Hail Saturn.

I don't think Christopher King's

gonna work out. They don't want our business.

Fuckers. Alright, we got now

hiring cooks, dishroom attendants,

dish was that crispy cream well that was yeah but the extension is stupid piece of

i think it's so stupid well we had this conversation saturday oh yeah we did

let's see the suggestion is you have grievous oxygen hang on god you have grievous

Get in assembling

I have previous

Okay

Experience in assembling

Sibians

Yeah

Okay

Sibian

That's the fucking

That's the fuck machine

The sex machine

Yeah

Oh that's kind of cool

Basically a vibrating stool

Like you can put a dildo

Yeah

I'll return

And when he's

Get core

Make

Help you

I'm sorry

What

What did you just say

What did you say

Hello

Okay, good. I'm calling for position, equipment assembly, and cook, and dishroom attendant.

You said like, eh, eh, eh, like kind of funny.

You have to apply online at gaygourmet.job.

At gaygourmet.job?

Yes.

Okay, how do I do that then? Like, where do I go?

At gaygourmet, click on careers.

Is it a .com? Do I put the .com in?

You can put .com or .jobs.

Okay. On where on the computer?

You see couriers?

I have the blank computer open.

Do you have a Google?

Let me check. I'm going to search on Google. Do I have...

Yeah, I have a Google. Yeah.

Google Gay Gourmet.

Uh, go to Gay Gourmet.

Yes.

Okay. I found this on the web for I go to get a gourmet.

Apply job Gay Gourmet.

Yes.

Okay. Give me a moment.

Okay, I found this on the web for apply job gay gourmet.

Make the job go gay gourmet cook job, motherfucker.

What?

I'm talking to Google.

Okay, I want to apply for the fucking job gay gourmet Google.

Damn it.

Searching Google for okay, I want to apply for the fucking job gay gourmet.

Oh, that's so good.

I'm not used to having to mute so bad that much.

what did he hear when he answers like thank you for calling like that's something i would do in

a call why do you do that that's why i've stopped everything like what the fuck did you just say

i'm so curious what it's all about gate gourmet it's like uh

airline food cooks i guess why is he saying

hello gate gourmet yes i want to apply for a gate gourmet job please

you have to go online to gate gourmet.com on the web for help old apply for gate gourmet job

all right but i went there and i'm talking to the google you said where do i go from there

you go to the website go to the website now okay i'm there using verbal command because i mean

that's only no i only know how to deck that i mean apply job gay gourmet right now i said

i'm not sure i understand why aren't you well you're fucking stupid quit talking like i never

i'm not talking to you

oh my god quit talking like that

i don't dude it's a place called gay gourmet gates gates like an airport gate gate gate

Dude, there's no way

That guy's just gay gourmet

You could go there too, yeah

It's like getting mad and yelling at Siri

Why does Airplane want you to make simians?

I still don't understand

No, it's different, it's a different job

The suggestion was for me to say that I have experience assembling simians

okay no no dude i thought like i i thought i don't know i thought he said like the guy you're

calling had experience with sibians and he was the gay gourmet and the whole thing was just

leaving question marks around my head some weird sexual gourmet sibian thing and then i'm like what

What does that have to do with Airplane Food?

I'm going to do that again.

It's called Airplane Food?

Call him back.

What?

Oh.

You won't return shit, bitch.

All right.

She says detailed.

Detailed.

I'm leaving a message.

I'm opening my mouth.

It is approximately 1,307.

Staff, can I help you?

Yeah, hi, I'm calling because I need to apply for a job.

Do I have to do that on the computer?

Okay, what job are you applying for?

Staff, join our team.

Staff is hiring RNs, LPNs, and STNAs.

Registered nurses must have one plus year of experiences per diem

across greater Cincinnati and northern Kentucky.

Travel assignments available nationwide.

Licensed practical nurse.

Huh?

Okay, you're in Cincinnati?

Yep.

Okay, all right.

Hold on just a second.

I'm going to transfer you to Daryl.

All right, God damn it.

Hold on just a moment.

All right.

Excuse me?

Okay, no problem.

Thank you.

God bless you.

Uh-huh.

Daryl, wasn't that kid a fucking computer or a robot or something in the movie with Dabney Colton?

I think he was like a robot kid.

Daryl?

Daryl.

I'm sorry, he's not at his desk.

Can I take a name and number and call you back?

Where on the computer do I go?

Well, for our positions, you have to complete that process by coming in in person.

Well, you don't have a computer thing?

Fuck.

Excuse me?

I mean, you've got to work with me here.

I'm sorry, sir.

I can't help you.

All right, go to hell.

What was the guy she was looking for?

Daryl.

Daryl?

Oh, Daryl.

It's called that, go on.

It's Daryl.

Excuse me?

Say, hey, there's my buddy Daryl at his desk.

Can I help you?

Yeah, how you doing, sweetheart?

Is my buddy Daryl at his desk right now?

You know, sir, I'm sorry, but I can't help you.

Why can't you help me?

I'm asking that you not call here anymore.

Thank you.

Come on, sugar tits.

Sugar tits.

God, there's a position here for HHAs.

Let's call for the ha-ha-ha.

The ha-ha job.

Ha-ha, get it?

Ha-ha.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

I want another one where they got to go to the website

so I can talk dirty, talk angry dirty to Siri.

I don't know if that was a blank man's name, but I know that...

Thank you for calling.

Press 4 to continue.

This call may be recorded.

Thank you for calling MCI's ANI verification system.

Calling ANI.

7-0-2-7-7-4-9-1.

He just keeps reading numbers at me.

It's like a number station, dude.

Yeah.

Jeez, sorry.

yeah i used to hear a number station out of my i used to broadcast in miami i could hear it in

orlando it was numbers in spanish later on i found out that's like the cuban the cuban seven

yeah it was whatever yeah but i used to hear it every sunday at the same time it come on i was

like i was like oh shit that's yeah they're so neat yeah yeah man that's crazy that shit

it still happens too i guess i know it's still broadcast then yeah like i like like i like that

weird shit creepy cringy thing yeah do you ever see anything i can't think of the name of it

the toy toy nb the guy that was leaving those weird plaques on streets in different cities like

no toy toy and b it says something about stanley kubrick's 2001 space odyssey

like resurrect dead on jupiter it's like and there are these really like tile things like

in that as well well i tried that extension there's a great documentary about it yeah

i can't think of the name of it i i got some stickers hello hello hi is this laser shit no

No.

I see Lamar Advertising.

Oh, wow.

I was calling for a job with Laser Shit.

Last minute delivery.

Okay.

Stupid.

Are you looking for Lamar Advertising?

Well, I mean, I could be.

Okay.

You sound ethnic and cute.

What's your skin tone like?

Olive or darker Africa?

Black?

You like Chipotle?

No, I don't.

How many fingers can you do?

You have the wrong number.

How many fingers, I said?

ah you're thinking about it you're trying there she goes i think i missed out dude what uh dude

she did something cute yeah you fucked up there dude i'm no good at that stuff man it's so funny

like i never like you know it took me a minute to get the fingers thing yeah because i because

i'm like a drinker dude and i think like two fingers of whiskey or three fingers of whiskey

like that's what i that maybe these people are drugs and they're thinking about that

I don't know. Give me the whole goddamn bottle.

We're talking sexual fingers.

Yeah.

Let's see if I got the right number this time.

I'm going to be taking a break here so I can pee.

I've got all fingers and other people.

This is Jeremy Bogard. Please leave a message.

Same fucking number.

Begin recording your message.

Laser shit my ass.

Are you saying shit?

Well, it's laser ship, but I keep saying laser shit.

Yeah.

Yeah, but yeah, I guess I've gotten all fingers and other people

Here's this call real quick for a black 93 s 10 truck motherfucker give me that truck. Yeah Buster

knows this stuff

fuck them

alright we got an 89 GMC

van that's an old fucking cocksucking van

right there

this probably don't dude i'd probably really want that like so many of these things

dang it i'd love a big creepy old man creepy old man man oh yeah dude when i drove that i drove

that work van for years like that was my daily driver like an extended big like windowless van

Or there were back windows, but there were no side windows, and there was a cage.

It was full of parts in there for your cell phone, Joe?

Well, no, that was the battery job. That was testing batteries, so I carried a big battery lift back there.

Huh.

Yeah, like, you know, like a hydraulic, like, floor thing. It's like, I get to send you a picture of it.

But, yeah, that thing was a bitch to push around.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

You got an 89 GMC van for sale?

I do.

Can I come see it?

You sure can.

All right.

Can I touch it?

Can you touch it?

Yeah, like, I want to be able to get inside, touch it inside.

Oh, you can drive it down the road and drive it out.

Is there a limit how many miles I can put on it?

I don't know.

I just got a quarter tank.

It won't go too far.

Okay, that's fine.

No, I'm just saying, you know, if I can go like a mile around the block, you know, a few times.

Oh, yeah.

All right.

Yeah, do you know where Buzzer Bruce is?

Yeah, do you know where Horse Machine Ranch Road is?

Not right off the end, I don't.

Oh, it's a new development out here.

Yeah, I want to go in there and just touch it and kiss it, smell it inside,

touch the car, the van's private parts a little bit.

Yeah, just whenever you're wanting to come on over, just come on.

My husband's at home, so he can go over every time I'm with you.

All right, yeah, he can go all over me, if you know what I mean.

He can kiss me all over my body.

He can touch me.

I can shave down, shave everything for him.

He can have his way.

That's so good.

I'll try her back.

She probably won't pick up.

Dude, I like how when you get creepy, all of a sudden there's a husband involved.

Yeah, come down.

My husband's here.

Hey, you seeing these battery lift pictures I'm putting in?

Yeah, is that it?

Yeah, like so I care those you got a hiss a hiss

It didn't have it and forwarded to an automatic voice

Maybe but it was about the same thing mine was flip

puppies

Last one here before taking

Google is your friend.

Mine was more like this.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

That means spring is up.

All right, well, when we come back, we'll have more prank calls.

We're going to be calling more jobs.

We've got business to call.

How long are we going for?

Matt Hillock will be here.

How long are we breaking?

About six minutes, maybe.

Do some calisthenics over there, you know?

Do some burpees.

Alright, I'll be right back

More prank calls and such

Madhouse Radio, MadhouseLive.com

PrankCallNation.com

Gort.org

Slash Madhouse

See you in a moment

Smash my nigga Emory up.

Try to get him to tell about me.

He told 12, give me 12.

He told him to go to hell about me.

Drug dealers anonymous.

Y'all think Uber's the future.

Our car's been autonomous.

Mules move the drums.

Take them to different spots.

We just call the shots by simply moving our thumbs.

I'ma cause some miracles with this shit.

Nothing real can be threatened.

Nothing unreal exists.

Fearing lies, the peace of God.

I always knew I was a prophet, but I couldn't find a decent job.

Life made me ambidextrous, counting with my right, whipping white with my left wrist.

Damn, Daniel, FBI keep bringing them all white vans through.

Radio will be back right after this.

Hi, this is Julie with Reward Redemption.

You recently visited one of our affiliate websites.

And in appreciation, we have a $100 rebate voucher for you, redeemable at popular stores like Walmart, Best Buy, Home Depot, and many more.

Press 1 now to call into the Rewards Department to receive your $100 rebate voucher, or press 2 if you would like to be placed on our Do Not Call list.

Thank you. Please wait while we connect you to the next available representative to fulfill your request.

This call may be monitored or recorded for quality and training purposes.

calling are you looking to be removed from the list tonight I am indeed a real person okay I

just wanted to be sure I'm letting you know you do realize that it is I did not realize that I'm

actually in Hawaii okay yeah well I'm in Las Vegas the back I understand you have questions man but

I have questions of my own since you're up this late are you a prostitute well don't we make an

assumption son let's get through this together I want to remove you off this list I want to make

you happy and that's what i'm here for think it's okay to me me if i shoot and then tell me we'll

get together should you go take a razor shove it up your and pour some fucking alcohol on it

and then breathe fucking fire you dig a goddamn calling that's awfully disturbing do you talk

around hi what are you holding for i'm holding for the head uh chef man in charge who am i speaking

with and why are you answering the regional manager my name is kim and who might be what

That's nice honey

This is Valente

I need to speak to the chef please

There's a gentleman there

Who I was working with before

The chef passed your phone call

Along to me

That's nice honey

Can I speak

Is there a gentleman

Could you not call me honey please

What is your name sir

This is Valente

Valente is your first name

That's right sweetie

Okay

Please don't call me sweetie

I just want to have

A conversation with him

Because I want to teach him

I want to teach Fernando

Over there

How it is

You're supposed to make this steak

Well Fernando

Quite frankly

Was feeling rather disrespected

because you were yelling, as was the general manager,

and I happened to be in town this evening, so she passed your call along to me.

I happen not to yell at anybody until I sort of get a runaround from that lady.

I never raise my voice to Fernando, and if he's saying that, then someone is lying,

and I have a feeling it might be you making up stories right now,

trying to dissuade me from the situation, sweetie, and I don't appreciate it.

Again, sweetie.

Okay, hon.

I don't appreciate this, sweetie.

Well, you know, how many other, what are you, a regional manager, your assistant to the regional manager?

No, I'm the regional manager.

Is there a man above you somewhere that I can talk to that happens to be there?

My CEO is the man that's above me.

Well, good.

He's the only person that's above me.

Does he happen to be in there coincidentally?

No, he's not here tonight.

It seems to me like I'm speaking to some random woman who's working there who wants to impersonate that she's wearing the man pants here and is a regional manager.

Right.

The regional manager just happens to be in on a Tuesday night.

Well, I happen to live in Las Vegas, so yes, I happen to be here on a Tuesday night.

Ridiculous.

You obviously do live in Las Vegas, and you're obviously new money.

I don't know what any of this means.

You don't know what new money is?

When you're ready to tell me what the issues are and speak to me in a respectful manner,

in the manner that I'm speaking to you in, then we can talk.

So you can give me a call anytime.

That's nice, honey.

Do you want to write down my phone number?

I don't know why you'd want me to call you back.

I am a woman.

Well, once you calm down, you can call me back.

I'm very calm.

You're the one that's not calm.

Well, pass this number on to the man in charge of things over there.

Well, I will give him your information,

but I'm quite sure that you're not going to get a phone call from him.

Then I'll call back in.

Where can I call him at?

Where is he at?

You can leave a message for him here.

No, where's the corporate headquarters?

What's your address?

Valente?

Valente is all you need.

Valente.

I'm with Valente and Associates, yes.

And I happen to be a CEO myself of Valente and Associates in Oklahoma City.

And I don't have a habit of coming here once a month to handle business, and every time I come here and I get the most substandard steak from apparent immigrants or something that was going on here with these people that work here named Fernando and Gonzalez.

But now you're speaking offensively about race.

I'm Hispanic, sir.

I'm not going to put up with it.

Why don't you give me your phone number and you can call me back whenever you calm down and stop racial slurs and feminine slurs toward everyone on my team here.

I'm not going to tolerate it.

What is your phone number, Valente?

405.

No, wait a minute.

Yeah, 405-6.

That's a new number.

6-6.

Okay, great.

And listen, honey, you just sit there and be pretty

and make sure you get that message out to the CEO, as you said, honey.

Okay, sweetie?

Yeah, okay.

Thank you, baby.

All right.

Let's go.

Guy tried to break in my truck.

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Madhouse Radio will be back

right after this

yeah you fuckers lost

yeah

you lost

you lose motherfucker

let me tell you what

what did you go and fuck yourself

piece of shit Greek

piece of shit

I'm a piece of shit

you motherfucker

fucking idiot

You're a malacca, you're a malacca fucking...

I'm a malacca, if I hear you from me, I'll show you who's malacca, you stupid idiot.

I'll fuck your mom in front of you.

I'm a stupid idiot.

Yeah, piece of shit.

Okay, you fucking stupid motherfucker, that's what you are.

And you know what, I'll fuck your mom, your dad, your whoever, your fucking family, motherfucker.

Fuck you, I'm Costa Rican and I'm better than you.

You know what, fuck Costa Rica, I'll fuck Costa Rica, I will fuck Costa Rica today.

I'm going to fuck two Costa Ricans today, to show you who fuck who, motherfucker, piece of shit.

Yeah, we fucked you.

Yay.

You fucked you.

We fucked Greece.

Costa Rica.

Yeah, you fucked yourself, you motherfucker.

We fucked you.

Yeah, I'm going to call the police.

Okay, hey, police is coming.

Don't worry.

Okay.

Oh.

Fuck you.

Fuck you, your family, all Costa Rica, plus all your fucking country,

wherever you have left.

Bitch.

I lose.

That's what you are, you fucking bitch.

Yeah.

Okay?

Loser.

I'm a loser?

Yeah.

I'm a loser.

I'm a fucking loser.

Because I fuck you any time I want, bitch.

Yeah, but you still suck at football.

You suck my dick.

That's what you do.

Pustis.

You understand that?

You pustis?

Yeah, pusti put your...

You have my dick in your ass, you pustis.

Yeah, you want it because you're pustis.

Okay, okay.

You want my...

You track the number?

Listen.

Okay, we got the number.

You know what?

I'm going to call the fucking cops

or I'm going to call my friend, Mafia,

when I come and kick your ass up there.

Yeah, fuck you.

I'm going to get you fucking pieces, bitch.

Fuck you.

I'm going to cut you pieces from your dick up to your fucking head.

Because that's where you deserve to be.

Wait.

You have your balls?

Wait.

Okay, come with us.

I can fuck your friend.

I'll fuck your friend for you.

You'll fuck my friend?

Yeah.

You motherfucker piece of shit lose no number?

I have.

Because if you don't lose a number, I'm going to call my friends now.

Fuck you.

You know what?

I hope that when you die, they put your GPS in your box and a trap door at the bottom.

So when you die, you open a tractor at the bottom, you check the GPS, and you go straight down to the hell.

Madhouse Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman. You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

Hi, I'm Carlito, and I'm back. I'm here with Pat Hillog.

Yeah, bad time, bad time.

Oh, no, no, like I yeah, I didn't like I went

And I came back and then I just heard something

Oh, you thought I heard old and I was like, oh shit, and I turned the pen chat back on

Real justice flux in and tiny

no uh show us your penis justin we want to see he's the one with the fat guy carlita shirt oh

dad justin justin big ham right right is that right big ham sandwich

oh he's got muscles yeah it's nice

i must say all right well he was usually redoing his bathroom or something too

yeah it's looking good oh look here it comes catch that tiny chat dog

all you ladies out there and gays tinychat.com slash prank call nation that's there he's got

his shirt off he's got nipple clamps on and justin's in there with his shirt off also he's

going to show penis here pretty soon we got that going on there's some others uh random white guy

in there too buster casey oh buster casey's there this is john connor uh jacket on too that's cool

All right.

Very John Connor-esque jacket.

Let's continue here with show.

Let's call for a camper that's being sold.

A camper?

A caravan, they were calling me.

A caravan.

Oh, look, he's about to come out.

He's a racist.

Oh, he doesn't.

You got a camper for sale?

Oh, no, he tricked.

He gagged me.

Hello?

You have a camper for sale?

Yes.

Okay, can I test drive it, or is it just for looking?

It's not an RV when you pull behind.

Yeah, that's what, oh, it's a pull behind.

All right, so can I hook it up to my car and pull it behind around for a little while, make sure the pull's okay?

Well, we're in Virginia right now, and the cab's actually in Tennessee.

Well, that's pretty stupid, right, of you, to put it on there, and you're not even around?

No, that's not, because I see it all the time.

Well, who's selling it?

Your husband?

Maybe he's the stupid one.

What?

Oh, you're the one that put it on there?

But you're a woman.

You can't have camper, you know?

Is that where you fuck guys in the camper?

You pull it around?

You fuck guys in it?

Can you turn the fucking TV off?

What?

Then go outside, then, and talk to me.

What was that?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

Can you call him back?

Yeah, call him back.

He'll probably pick up.

No, let me talk to him.

I want to talk to him.

I want to ask him if he's got the benzos or the hair on.

No?

I bet you he picks up.

What's he partying with?

He's going to step in now.

And then you can argue with him.

No, no, you go.

We'll both go.

What was this about in here?

Camper.

Oh, camper.

Camper.

It's a pull behind.

I'm a little camper.

I'll pull behind her.

Pull behind camper.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice.

He's a chicken shit.

It sounds like something you'd call a pretty girl's fat friend.

Pull behind.

He's a pull behind.

Instead of a wingman, it's a pull behind.

Pull behind camper.

Oh, damn.

Learn something every day on this show.

Okay.

Well, not every day, but you know what I mean.

If that wouldn't learn, I just made it up for a turn.

All right.

Uh, we got Digestive Health Specialist Center.

Okay, cool.

Oh, I found my sticker envelope the other day.

Or what?

I didn't find the box yet.

All these stickers I got.

That's a lot of stickers.

Thank you for calling Digestive Health Specialist.

If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and dial 911.

Please listen carefully as our options change.

Hey, do you want the owner?

If you're a medical provider needing to speak to one of our digestive health providers,

please press 5 for prescription results.

Church and Dwight.

Bold while I tramp for your time.

Human medical or animal.

You know what I'm talking about?

It's like a big company that makes like Arm & Hammer baking soda and shit like that.

Oh, I'll call them, sure.

Yeah.

Well, it's just like, it's good to dick with them.

Well, what we can do before is get a UPC online.

Oh, oh, oh.

Off the product.

Thank you for your patience

Calls are handled in the order they are received

My animal ate this food

Yeah, hello

Yeah, hi, my friend Matt

I don't know if you can hear him, he's in a toilet

He's having some really bad digestive issues

Okay, what's the patient's last name and date of birth?

Hillock, middle name fucking

First name Matt

What's the date of birth?

Matt, what's your date of birth?

Eight, three, wait

Never mind, I don't know if I would

Yeah, he may not be in the database.

He's a new patient.

I don't...

...burn is a common and rarely serious condition

that affects approximately 19 million Americans.

You might have heartburn if you are experiencing

a burning pain or discomfort in your abdomen or chest,

or if you have stomach discomfort after eating

and these symptoms occur more than two times per week.

Digestive health specialists can help relieve your symptoms

and we can conduct preventative screenings as well.

For more information, please visit morethanheartburn.com.

We will be with you shortly.

Thank you for your patience.

I haven't done the pissing while looking for a job yet.

I forgot about that.

It's always fun.

Call a job and beg them for drugs.

Hey, it's Arnie.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, Arnie.

All right, I have to take care of some shit.

Can I do some laundry?

Digestive Health Specialists now has an online link to manage your care.

Please ask about obtaining an account just for you.

The new system allows you to access a summary of your office visit,

view your test results, and confirm appointments.

products for more information please visit www.dhsgi.com there's a job available for auto

body repair this is gonna take a while here i think so let's just do that in the meantime

there's like a lot of them like just the amount of the brands right here there's a lot of funny

things so what's this church dwight dude that's the number of the human meds that's there that's

there hello then yeah hi you got a job available for auto body repair uh yeah but i'm in uh

sadieville kentucky where am i speaking to you

hello yeah i'm here in safety i'm sorry i gotta i gotta use the bathroom yeah i'm in sadieville

uh do you need to get your things taken care of there call me back in a second

oh give me a second give me a second all right call me back all right

you didn't give me you didn't give them permission thank you for your patience

Your call is being forwarded to a Shortel voicemail system.

Extension.

Thank you for calling Digestive Health Specialists.

Please hold while I transfer your call.

What's going on?

Thank you for calling Digestive Health Specialists.

We appreciate your call.

We are currently experiencing a high volume of incoming calls.

We apologize for this inconvenience.

Our team of patient schedulers will be with you shortly.

I had an Arby in here.

Thank you for your patience.

I'm sorry he was around.

I said, hey, he was around.

man fuck you oh yeah fuck i hate this fucking guy his life okay i'm gonna say it again

inflammatory bowel okay the um church the number oh i'm echoing sorry um

hello yeah buddy yeah hey man um you say you do body work uh can you do metal fabrication and

and fiberglass as well i do frame bending metal fabrication fiberglass

Yeah, have you owned your own place, or where'd you learn to do that at?

I used to have my own shop until fucking Obama fucked everything up,

and then I ended up having to lay everybody off and close it,

then I moved out of here.

Yeah, so you're definitely good at blocking and everything else, right?

Yeah, yeah, I kick the car, I kick it all around and soften it up,

and I pull up on YouTube how to fix the frame.

Well, I ain't doing no frame stuff.

I ain't got no frame rack.

I hand make all my metal and everything.

Oh, that's even better, yeah.

Where do you live at in Sadieville?

Actually, I live under a tree right now.

I just kind of moved here.

I heard there was jobs in the area, so I kind of have a camper under a tree.

Yeah, I understand that.

What, if I was to pay you cash, what are you looking to be paid an hour to do body work?

Well, under the table, $10 an hour.

Under the table, then.

$10 an hour.

I am paying goddamn taxes to that fucking Obama, you know?

Yeah, well, $10 an hour is like paying you over $18 an hour.

Yeah, but you ain't paying the taxes, you know?

Well, oh, yeah, I am.

Oh, yeah, I am.

You ain't got to fucking pay the tax, motherfuckers, you know?

Yeah, yeah.

Fuck that shit.

Well, but still, it's still like paying $18 an hour to do, you know, regardless.

Still, that's a lot of money.

me well i'm saying forget the taxes then i'm just saying just put cook the books a little bit i don't

need you don't need to pay taxes on me none man i'll pay yeah i'll pay my own taxes put me down

like a 1099 employee nah he's sorry he won't do all that yeah you fucking pussy you hey buddy

watch your fucking mouth well what are you fucking gonna do about it you don't you don't live under

a goddamn tree boy i'm gonna give you a fucking job but you know what you go fuck yourself i'll

break a bottle over your head call me back motherfucker fuck you motherfucker you piece

of shit you i need a fucking job asshole no wonder you're well you should watch your goddamn mouth

you stupid ass fucker you ain't shit don't you talk to me like that under your fucking

train man what you better fucking you don't fucking talk to me like that motherfucker

hello i think he's been pranked before yes hello this is digestive health specialist yeah hey my

buddy matt he's uh shitting a lot right now he's got problems with shits okay um are you being

serious about this medical appointment or yes okay and you're scheduling for your friend yeah

he can't he's on the shitter right now he can't come to the phone okay um if we could use a little

different language that would be great i'd appreciate that all right big uh turds big

shit brown fucking turds all right i'm sorry okay i'm just trying to human meds again

no we got oh we gotta call that background okay that is that is their that is their call-in number

and then these are the products they make and i took upc codes of some of them so if you want

to call and say like some uh like they cause some kind of sensitivity or a dog or i got nair

Nair. They make Nair

and they make first response

pregnancy test.

Yeah, hey, man, I'm sorry we got off

to the wrong foot there. I'm sorry.

Yeah, you sure did, man. I was going to give you a job, but I'm

not interested in it now.

I'll suck your dick, motherfucker.

Hey, actually, call me back

one more fucking time. I'm going to have some

of my buddies at State Police come find you.

You ain't going to do shit,

motherfucker. You won't do shit.

You don't know who you're...

You don't know who I'm talking to, bud.

I'm talking to some jackass guy.

I got a state trooper standing out here in my shop right fucking now.

Let me give him the motherfucking phone.

Hurry up, motherfucker, you.

Fuck you.

You fucking crazy motherfucker.

You motherfucker, I need a fucking job.

You fucking do what you don't want.

I need a fucking job, I said, motherfucker.

When you call somebody else, you stupid son of a bitch, don't fucking call me.

I know my rights.

I wouldn't fucking let you do shit.

I know my rights, motherfucker.

Oh, I want that trooper on the phone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, can you send me that contact?

Yeah, totally.

Like, I can imagine

I go with

I

thing i like just making the people upset or becoming

friends and then they become i become friendly with them you flip them uh and i give up like

Once they're a little too smug, it seems like, I just don't call when they're in on the calls.

They're like, cool buddy for me.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message.

I don't start liking.

That's like people that start knowing you in stores too much.

In stores?

Like you become a regular kind of thing?

Yeah.

I hate that shit.

Yeah.

It's kind of like, I like it.

I like it a lot of times, but sometimes it's weird.

but i mostly like it um but it's like that kind of thing i think with like where you call a guy

and they get like too friendly and then like well you just like it was kind of cool pulling

you in one time but yeah look at that stuff you know what i mean yeah yeah i already saw you there

was when i talked to you and shit's like man you know like don't bloop me into that mess just give

me what i need i went to get out of the store and they're like talking to you for five minutes

yeah i went to some i went to like a right aid the other day or something i forget where i went

they just the fucking person at the counters wanted to talk and talk like all right yeah i

don't care anymore she's like yeah if you got allergies they got a new because i got whatever

flonase and she's like oh they got a new one there i heard it's pretty good you should go check it

out so in the aisle i look yeah it's cool i got this one you're like way to upsell you stupid

yeah well no she's like yeah because this weird i'm like no i don't i don't really i don't want

and do the leg re-spray.

He's like, oh, but the hurt is better, and I haven't tried it yet.

But I'm like, yeah, I just really want to go.

He's like, oh, you got your rewards card now?

You know, I left it.

I can't find my rewards card.

He's like, oh, well, you know, you can call this number here.

I'll give you a pamphlet.

Here's a new car.

You call.

I'm like, goddammit, I just want to go, man.

I just really want to go.

I don't feel good.

I got sinus infection.

I just want my Flonase, and I want to go.

That's it.

That's the fucking thing.

I remember the guy at 7-Eleven in the middle of the night

when we made an on-air stop at 7-Eleven.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I was talking about, like, the sexual, like, shots they had.

Oh, yeah, they had those horny goat-weak kind of things or whatever.

Yeah, and I'm asking them, do they work?

What did he say?

Did he say, yeah, or he said he...

I think he said he's never needed them or something.

That was a show there, man.

We went on the road,

Milkman playing the guitar in the background the whole time,

not realizing we couldn't hear him.

and tucks in there like saying they can't hear you milkman oh my god what year would that be

oh nine probably oh that's like 10 or 11 might actually i might have still been at ucf i would

have been oh oh wait you left ucf yeah yeah that was before the wedding probably fuck man wait no

it's probably oh nine oh nine all right make up your mind man come on what is it uh we already

already called digestive health who do we call now we're going to call arm and hammer or whatever

they're called yeah i told you the thing would okay so you want me to do what with the i see

the products yeah yeah oh but i have the upcs for them i have pages with the upc okay like okay

like either you want to say it's an animal thing okay or uh or a human thing but like you can say

say like like this like this is the condom thing like it fucking burns you up or burnt up your dog

dog's butthole or i don't know whatever and then the next but they always ask for the upc's that's

why all right so i need the upc all right and then we go from there i just know it helps okay

it helps makes it seem legit legit yeah yeah all right so we'll do the lubricated one and then the

The second one is Nair.

And then the third one I'm sending is a first response pregnancy test, which could be fun.

Because it doesn't work on a dog.

Or just whatever.

Or my fucking wife is in my kid's room.

Complain about the pregnancy test that it didn't tell you your kid was black.

Yeah, that's good.

A damn thing.

Please test one to be connected to an agent.

this call may be recorded or monitored for quality you have reached the medical

information line for church and Dwight if you have a human related medical

question press 1 for animal related medical questions press 2 either human

or animal I'll be human because I don't think this call may be recorded or

monitored for quality assurance purposes shit nigga I think you sent me

I only got condom ones.

Okay, I got them.

I got them.

Cool, cool.

I can get other ones, too.

Maybe they're closed.

Medical information.

How can I help you?

Yeah, hi.

I'm calling for medical information.

I have a complaint regarding this device here that I've used.

Okay, so are you calling to report some sort of adverse event or just a complaint on a product?

Well, I'm very upset.

I would say it's an adverse event.

I mean, having a multiracial child is pretty adverse, yeah.

Okay, I'm going to go ahead and disconnect.

Why? What did I say?

What the fuck?

I'm going to go ahead and disconnect from this conversation.

Maybe someone's already made that call.

I've called this place a lot.

You have reached the medical information line for Church and Dwight.

This call may be recorded or monitored for quality assurance purposes.

I like the name Church and Dwight because there's something like that in that cartoon, the rejected.

like something like

Dunstan and Mills

or the one that they made

like the bean lard mulch

and shit like they were the ones that

allegedly tried to get the rejected

medical information Sandy can I help you

hey big fat Sandy I have a

issue with the first response pregnancy test

okay so I'm not going to be speaking with you

if you call me fat so thank you

you didn't give me a chance

was that the same lady or was it someone else

I don't know, but it was good.

Thanks, Sandy.

Has anyone ever rolled a resin blunt?

You have reached the medical information line.

Oh, that's harsh, man.

Your best bet is just to smear it on the paper and then just smoke that, to be honest with you.

Because you're not going to be able to pull on it, really.

No, don't do that, man.

It's going to waste.

I mean, it's already done and rolled.

Don't roll it.

Resin, the best thing to do is to put it in a pole, man.

You have reached the medical information line.

You can't really hit it because there's no air going through it.

It's just going to burn off, dude.

Yeah, it's going to light on fire, and you're going to waste it.

Put it in a bowl and smoke it that way.

Don't be stupid.

I don't mean to call you stupid, but don't be stupid.

This call may be recorded or monitored for quality assurance purposes.

Someone wants to grab a blunt.

Still, it's wasted.

Then put it in something.

Put it in a bowl with a blunt on it.

dude my uh reefer store has a reefer suppositories for hiding or for using well for using that's

oh yeah i think it's probably for like really really sick people i want to try that yeah you

can't if you have lung cancer and shit or just you know can't like can't swallow good or yeah

yeah uh she sees id a i think this is one broad there one or two uh so we'll change the id that's

fine we can do that think about it this way with the suppository it cuts out the shit from having

to go through the liver so it'll probably be like really strong yeah i'm curious well that's

a major reason why you know people do the wine enemas and stuff yeah oh i just imagined being

instant drunk from what i hear it's fast but like real efficient too like if you're broke on money

you know you do it that way and you could do eyeballs too right like you could just do like

vodka shots in the eyeball i heard that oh wow yeah i've heard that i got this one crazy edible

that i haven't like okay yeah yeah 25 milligram thc fruit gooey is that a lot uh it's fair the

ones i eat now they have sugar-free edibles they're not that i think i think everything

i've dealt with so far has been sugar oh no this main ingredient organic sugar thing well there you

you go that there goes that plan that won't work for me i don't hang on my usual guys my little

gummies that i eat all the time once oh you don't want to fuck with the sugar-free gummies though

we've talked about that before oh well you know water sugar so yeah i don't know these little

gold beef these little gummies nice nice nice nice have you tried the lollipops yet i heard

mixed reviews. I got them

before from some

Cali buddy, and yeah, they

knocked me in my fucking...

So they did work. I've heard people say,

no, they don't work, they don't work. Oh, yeah.

No, I got

fucked up off some lollipop.

That sounds like it'd be the best for, like, flying.

You know, you're gonna fly right when it gets to the

airport, eat the lollipop, and good to go.

Dude, that's what the

anybody...

You know, it's really...

You can fly with it. It's not an issue.

I guess it's if it's not flour, then, right?

You have reached the medical information line.

Please press 1 to be connected to an agent.

This call, you have reached the medical information line for Church and Dwight.

This call may be recorded or monitored for quality assurance purposes.

New news keeps saying, set new illegal numbers.

Please call.

Medical information, this is Tracy.

Can I help you?

Hi, Tracy.

I have an issue.

Okay.

With which product?

With the first response test.

Okay, is it an adverse reaction or is it not, is it a question about reading it?

Well, can I give you the UPC then?

You can.

It depends on what it's about as to whether or not I help you or not, so that's why I was asking.

Sure, go ahead with that UPC though.

Well, yeah, okay, it's 0226-009-01808.

All right, take a peek here.

All right, so we used this nine months ago?

Uh-huh.

Test came back positive. Baby came out. I am white. My wife is white. Baby is black.

Okay.

So why didn't I know about that?

I don't know. It sounds like you've called a couple of times. So that has nothing to do with our product.

I'm going to put my lawyer on the line already. Already.

Okay. Well, can I grab your name and phone number here and then I can document that?

I'll put my lawyer on the line. Matt Hillock.

Hey, lady. What's up?

What can I do for you?

He's got a problem with that colored kid.

Yeah, and that has nothing to do with our product.

He thought your product, like, it's not, there should be another thing.

It shouldn't be negative or positive.

It should be negative, positive, or black.

Should be the thing.

All right.

You guys should probably stop calling regarding this.

This has nothing to do with our product.

It says it only works on humans, but then Black Baby comes out.

Well, what's the deal?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, you know what?

We are an emergency call center, and this is not an emergency.

Why won't I call, and it says if this is a medical emergency, call 911?

Good point.

Good point I had there.

It is.

I'm coughing like a motherfucker.

Yeah.

You're what?

You failed us.

Coughing.

You failed the fans.

You failed Matt.

You failed me.

You failed Matt House.

it's like it's like candy cane dude but like there's no way for air to go did you put in a

bowl or are you still doing that you're gonna screw up man smoking a bowl now okay because

you're wasting it like that dude so i'm telling you all the blunts are there most of it save the

bowl man i mean save the resin from when you need it yeah i just scraped a half ounce of resin from

in one bowl okay well you got to clean your bowls more often that's the other thing oh because i

haven't ran out in like months yeah that is that is when you get to scraping this is the lean time

yeah i like to scrape it like once a month and keep it separate you know what i mean

because you want to you don't want to have like all the mixed because then you got a strain for

particular whatever you know what do you want hey when you ain't got nothing you're right

That is cool, man.

So, Ari, speaking of which,

there's a medical

law vote on the ballot.

Did you register to vote? Are you going to vote for it

or are you just going to complain when it doesn't get passed?

Yeah, I'm registered.

Are you going to vote then?

Oh, yeah. I don't know if I'm going to vote for president, but...

You are going to vote for the medical

weed thing, huh? Yeah.

Yeah, I heard, what's his face?

John Morgan's behind it.

really big time for the people down there people he's got a new quote me i heard it on the radio

the other day it made me and the person i was with both laugh our asses off did it get high

it was like i think he said power to the people at the end okay like something like that i think

he's like power to the people he's oh jeez he's uh he's big time uh sleazy lawyer in orlando

big man around town he's the guy he's a big lawyer and i was at the altamont mall once and

and he was drunk off his ass, getting carried away by security,

saying, I'm John Morgan! I'm John Morgan!

Yeah, that shit was funny. It was me and my ex-girlfriend.

When was that?

It was, like, in the middle of the day on a Wednesday,

like, in the middle of the week, Wednesday or Tuesday,

like, at 1 o'clock in the afternoon,

and he's, like, getting dragged out.

I don't know how fucking, dude.

And this is before the Ultima Maha had the Elephant Bar.

The only place you could drink there was at Wonder Bar.

It was, like, a German kind of wiener schnitzel place,

where they have german beer so my presumption is he was in there drinking his ass off eating

german sausage probably at lunchtime and getting drug out and he's like a big famous fucking he

can't even drive in florida he's his license is gone he had so many duis he gets driven around

in a limo but anyway this is back like 99 i'm john morgan i'm john morgan you're making a mistake

Hey, I'm John Morgan.

He's drunk as fuck, John.

Didn't he say he parks his limo at the Wendy's or something?

Yeah, in Maitland, yeah.

It was always parked there on Saturday.

I don't know why.

The Wendy's parking lot on Saturday would be there for like three hours in the afternoon.

It's weird.

A lot of these guys.

Maybe he's meeting criminals and stuff.

He's a big fat porky fuck, too.

I've seen these towns you mentioned, and I know them from Rappy's song.

Yeah?

yeah like yeah like like what was that mick micklin florida micklin micklin florida oh well

yeah this rappy he had a whole orlando phase he was talking about the amway center he lived down

there yeah he lived in orlando really well he lived down in florida somewhere he was always

amway arena this and that yeah yeah yeah yeah that whole album yeah yeah so yeah he was all

down there yeah yeah and uh like and then the one where he lost his uh his whatever social

security card and he like gives his address and it's like one three four two mohawk trail

like maitland florida maitland maitland yeah it's so funny because what we were just talking

about was maitland yeah yeah i know thank you for calling morgan and morgan this is john morgan

If you're calling for a free consultation, please press 1.

For anything else, please stay on the line.

Goodbye.

That's Orlando for you.

He shipped his receptionist overseas.

I guess so.

That's Orlando.

Half the staff speak Spanish.

His is Spanish.

Thank you for calling Morgan & Morgan.

This is John Morgan.

If you're calling for...

Thank you for calling Morgan & Morgan.

Oh, but I still have a call to make.

Your call may be recorded for training or quality assurance purposes.

And press buttons enough to get out of their thing and then, like, stick around their system.

Uh-oh, we're going to get fucking taken down.

Oh, hey, it's my son.

Um, I've had, I've had issues with this guy.

He called his ass out on the YouTube.

I called him.

Thanks for calling. My name is Daniel. What type of case can I assist you with today?

Uh, big fucking important case.

Have you contacted us before?

No.

All right, how can we help?

I have proof that Mayor Buddy Dwyer is stealing money and does cocaine inside his office.

And he drives around while masturbating.

I have pictures and video.

It's not really something we handle and maybe more of an issue for law enforcement.

Pull me through to John Morgan.

I know that guy.

Sure.

Oh?

It's that easy?

Dude, how is it?

Is there really a mayor named Buddy Dwyer?

I just think in the famous suicide book.

Buddy Dyer.

but bud bud wires the this this gun will hurt somebody you know that oh yeah yeah like the

famous like yeah the boot the nice shot man i was just in that building a few weeks ago

oh no they took out the the bullet holes they read they redid the entire interior

so so there's another like guy named him no no oh the mayor of orlando's buddy

Dyer. Oh, but

okay. Bud Dwyer was

the treasurer of the

Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Don't say state. Everything. Everything

is slipping out.

I thought you were down in Florida.

Yeah, yeah. Never mind.

You think we'll get John Morgan?

Hi, this is John Morgan. I'm sorry

I'm not here to talk to you.

If you will leave a message.

Wait while I transfer your call.

Thank you for calling Morgan & Morgan.

This is Chelsea.

How may I help you?

Where's John Morgan, that motherfucker?

That big, fat fuck?

Sir?

Yeah, put that fat, fucking John Morgan on the phone.

Hold on one moment.

Thank you for calling Morgan & Morgan.

Your call may be recorded for training or quality assurance purposes.

It's taking too long.

We're not going to get anywhere with that.

Such a good song.

The voicemail voice sounds totally different than his commercial voice.

Yeah, I think he recorded that when he was still kind of fatter.

His old ones, he was so fucking, he looked porky pig.

Yeah, I got, for those who don't know, I got a Cisco music guy.

I had a video of that music.

I made a music video, and he pulled it down for copyright things,

and I got a strike, and I cursed him out on Twitter,

and he reacted, and he pulled it back.

I was like, I don't have any commercials on it.

I'm not trying to fuck with you.

Seriously, he's an asshole.

He's been going around doing that to a lot of people, that fucking son.

No one fucking cares about it.

I did.

Oh, look, I got a video of John Morgan drunk, cursing in, what?

And now to the video that has everyone talking tonight.

This is attorney John Morgan admitting he's had a few too many

as he calls out the Polk County Sheriff in front of a wild crowd.

Morgan versus Judd on medical marijuana.

News Channel 8's Melanie Michael is live in a Lakeland bar called Boots and Buckles where all of this went down.

And Mel, this is the kind of stuff you really can't make up.

Indeed, Gail. Good evening to you.

You know, the truth really is stranger than fiction.

John Morgan seen cussing in a bar, completely drunk, and calling out Sheriff Grady Judd.

You know what? And of course, somebody recording the entire thing on their camera.

So tonight, we're talking about instead of for the people, for the reefer.

everywhere. He admitted

he was drunk in a Polk County

bar.

Wait, wait, he went to

the Outback Steakhouse?

That's his fucking, I went to the

Outback Steakhouse, he got a big

steak, and I drank a lot of beer

out of a glass

boot.

Attorney John Morgan let it all

all hang out in a pro-pot rant.

If you do nothing else, I'll let you get your...

And then the real controversy came,

calling out Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd.

It's no secret the two don't agree on medical marijuana.

Get your lazy motherfucking ass out of bed, he said, already.

I want to tell you all something.

When I told Grady Judd...

the sheriff talked with me about his concerns he calls amendment two

full of baloney and claims it's all about the do i don't be all over that oh my god

that whole proposition is full of baloney that's boring let's see you can see how this guy talks

wording debilitating diseases or other conditions what's another condition what's another i want to

sleep i'm bored you want that you want them reefer you woke up in the morning uh i don't sleep well

at night my legs hurt the sheriff yes so what's wrong with that like like i just want to like

shake those fuckers so my leg hurts i need weed yeah who gives a fuck i told them i'd say hey

hey, doc, we're getting medical marijuana and PA, right?

Yeah.

So my leg still hurts from the accident.

Yeah.

You think you'd prescribe?

Yeah, I'll prescribe for you, Carlos.

Don't worry.

You got it.

Don't worry.

She says, as long as our medical practice, you know, I'm not the head doctor here,

but as long as they agree, yeah, sure, we're going to pop that.

That happened with my neurologist and a couple of doctors at first.

And then when I finally, he's in the same hospital, but he was like,

He was like, sure, and called his assistant, bringing paperwork in here.

And like, all right, I'll get this sent out.

Cool.

Everything's cool.

Nice.

You got to get the liberal doctor.

Is he Jewish?

Yeah, he's cool.

I don't know.

He's cool as fuck.

But he wouldn't do it the first time I saw him.

But then the second time, he was like, yeah, yeah, cool.

I mean, it's like the thing it's prescribed for.

Yeah, we got to start doing pranks here soon.

Let's hear the rest of John Morgan and the sheriff.

Admits what bothered him the most, what he calls John Morgan's campaign tactic at the Boots and Buckles Bar.

They were with a bunch of kids screaming for the reefer, for the reefer.

At a fucking bar, yes, a bunch of kids there, yes, is exactly what was going on.

And that's what Amendment 2 is.

Okay, so what is John Morgan's reaction to this video?

Well, tonight he released a statement saying some of his speeches will be G-rated.

and gail some of them will be x-rated he says he's not a marijuana guy he tells us he is simply

a beer a compassion guy and the sheriff added tonight the two are really good friends well

mal you told me earlier that when you interviewed the sheriff he was actually on his way to speak

to a group in lake wales about this very issue he was gail i walked him to his car he was leaving

from the sheriff's office to lake wales to talk about it he says he books about six of these a

a week, Gail. He talks about it all the time

and he tells me that nearly

100% of the time, people

really do not understand the wording on

Amendment 2. So we have posted it at

WFLA.com to make sure that

everyone is well-educated and understands it.

Eight is on your side tonight.

Thank God they're here on our side.

Thank God I left that state.

I used to say it's sad to

Florida probably to get medical marijuana before us,

but I guess we got it. That worked out for me.

Suckers. All right, where are we going

with this? More pranks, right?

right before we get ripped out of the fucking air and dragged out uh is zack's around you guys

gonna do a show tonight then today rather or no i mean uh matt matt that's way already there did

i screw something up okay all right good all right well good no i'm saying if i did something

audio wise okay back to numbers we had some newspaper stuff it's in cincinnati so it shouldn't

to be too late over there let me get to that and then we got those muhammads also we can call for

new new on behalf of new new all right uh over here we've got local regional over the road owner

operators that's a trucking firm all right yeah let's get drunk and drive some trucks i try to

call that body shop guy the guy that's in with the state police thank you for calling calls may

be monitored or recorded for quality and training i need more beer water jb hunt this is kevin how

How can I help you?

Yeah, J.B. Cunt.

I'm looking for a job driving.

Yes, sir.

Okay.

Yes, one.

Super.

Do I come in?

Do I register online?

How does this work?

Are you a Class A driver?

Yes.

I got a good, clean license.

I got pulled off a truck the other day, but I'm looking for a new job now.

Why were you pulled off a truck?

Well, I mean, that's for between me and the interview to explain.

It just depends on what position, whether there's an interview or not.

If you were fired, if you were dismissed, then we won't be able to take you.

Well, it has to do with, it's a sexual harassment thing against me.

so like i didn't do this i didn't do hang on you're not letting me explain

i'm not the one that harassed i was harassed by someone i was sexually harassed i complained

about it and they said look i could either uh get on my knees and do a performance sexual act

or i could get the f-u-c-k he said off the truck i said i have no way i'm doing that

and i got trick pull off the truck literally they pulled me off the truck they beat me up

They tie me up and everything next thing. I know I woke up pantsless in the middle of desert

I had no idea where I was they were putting peyote inside me forced me to drink water until I threw up

Hello?

Hey, I grew my balls like once a month and fucking it itches like two days after

They're all fucked up.

Dude, why do you keep drooling your mouth?

I can't be walking around with a big fucking pubic bush, man.

I mean, oh, I think instead of drooling, you're insane.

No, no.

Why do you drool your mouth?

Oh, it's the fucking game.

I think, I think, I think this is hard to work on.

You know?

Mine is, mine is super ugly, right?

Oh, you gotta take care of that.

I wonder if you get a lot, no, I'm sorry, I said a lot of stuff.

You didn't take care of things before you went over this?

Oh, yeah, but that was last time.

Oh, wow.

So it's been fucking 10 months now.

You got shade.

I think I spotted some great ones, which is always weird.

The first one, I spotted a couple great chest hairs.

Hey, good afternoon.

This is Charles, J.B. Hunt Recruiting.

May I help you?

Yeah, I'm calling because I'm looking for a job, owner-operator.

Sure.

You want to run under our authority, correct?

A what?

Want to run under our authority or your own authority?

Either one, you know.

I just need a job.

Okay.

Let me get an application.

If you want to run under our authority, I can help you out.

All right.

Sounds good.

Where are you located, sir?

What city, what state?

I'm in Cincinnati.

Okay.

Yeah, I'm here.

Okay.

There's just a lot of noise in the background.

I wasn't sure.

I'm in the bathroom.

What's your zip code there in Cincinnati?

I'm in the bathroom.

I got you.

What's your zip code there in Cincinnati?

maddie uh shit man because i don't fucking know i got a four five two four two five two four two

your first name sir say again you broke up yeah i'm almost done in here

all right hello yes sir yeah it's cross cross sell that for me c-r-o-s-s that's your first name

or your last name uh my last name okay what's your first name mr cross ross ron ross r-o-s-s

ass okay i'm sorry i'll put that in there stupid how long you been driving tractor trailer five

years motherfucker is there a reason you want to use profanity all right because i drive the

fucking truck real good man i'm a good fucking driver you know well ross uh i'm not wanting to

please don't call me by my last name please don't just call me by my last name thank you sir

fucking god whatever oh the cursing the cursing frost frost yeah let's call that uh gay gourmet

again how about that yeah you know let's just because i i now that i want them to have a website

to go to to do the confused siri thing now them fucking have it they don't want to do it on the

phone now now they're all convenient on the phone the gay sybian gourmet you like i thought it was

all different kind of thing that you were calling and like his voice made more much so which

Good afternoon, Gay Gourmet. Can I help you?

Yeah, hi, I'm calling regarding a job you're looking here.

You got some cooks?

Is this at the airport, or how does this work?

This is Gay Gourmet at the Greater Cincinnati Airport.

Gay Gourmet?

We are an airline catering company,

and we make food for the airlines that do have meal flights on them.

Okay.

All right, good for you. That's nice.

It is a slow business since 9-11.

But we do have openings for now.

That's funny because, like, airline flights have picked up for quite some time now since 9-11, so I don't understand.

Well, they have a little bit, but not majorly.

Oh, they sure have, actually.

I think you're wrong on those numbers.

What's going on?

Why haven't you guys been able to capitalize on the, you know?

As far as I understand, plane...

This is a mid-U.S. city, and hub cities are on the coastline, and they have more flights.

So we're not a major hub.

That's totally inaccurate.

But okay, it sounds to me you've got some competition in there, huh?

No competition here at this airport.

Well, let's be honest.

What happened was the airlines had to cut, and they don't do as many in-flight meals anymore.

That's what it is.

Don't blame it on 9-11.

Well, what do you want?

To apply for a job.

If you want to apply, you have to go to gategourmet.com.

Go to gategourmet.com right now, motherfucking computer.

Sorry, I couldn't find anything on the web.

Well, you're a stupid asshole fucking...

That's the computer.

I'm not talking to you.

You stupid asshole.

You go there now.

That doesn't sound good.

All right.

Doesn't sound good.

Can we bring him back?

Wow.

Can we bring Gay Gourmet back and complete that?

Yeah.

Can you just send me that number?

Gay Gourmet?

You want to talk to Gay Gourmet?

Yeah, I do.

I don't know.

We'll do that.

And I'd like the number, too.

I could do that, too.

God damn, that man's full of charisma.

That's not Gay Gourmet.

Hey, the Gay Gourmet. I was just, uh, I was thinking about you, and I thought to myself, there's one goddamn man right there that is full of charisma. You are just full of charisma. You are electric, my friend. You brighten up any room you walk into. You're like, hi, guys. Gay Gourmet is here to work on your skin.

Hello. I wanted to jump in. Hello. Gay gourmet. Hello. Gay, gay, scary.

I'd blush if I could.

Let me talk to the gay gourmet, Siri. Gay gourmet.

Good afternoon. Can I help you?

Hey, is this the gay gourmet?

Yes.

That seems uncalled for.

I was talking to a gentleman earlier, and I was just, I felt compliant to call back, because he is just so full of charisma.

I couldn't find anything about homosexual gay gourmet vagina on the web.

Oh, Siri, watch your dirty mouth. But what's the story with that cat?

All right, we're going to get this call traced, and you will stop the call.

Wait, how are you going to do that? How are you going to do that?

Didn't find anything on the web for Trace it out of your ass, bitch.

bitch okay uh hey do uh yeah i sent you the number i just need yeah yeah i gotta copy it

copy that over in my thing you got a mouse all right all right all right uh yeah we'll do that

nurse aids i'm not feeling nurse aids i don't want aids i don't need that uh caregivers

givers, more nurses, you know?

Oh, here, I'll just call

the phone myself.

And then save it, yeah. Give me a second, I'll be

right back.

Hey, I'm back. Yeah, fucking, they keep

coming here for

surveys for the elections.

Who does?

Oh, yeah, I don't know.

People come banging on your door, and you're gonna get

them to say, get the fuck out of here.

It's another survey. No, you gotta be nice to them, you know?

Oh,

yeah, I just have a

a different outlook on life

than a lot of people.

It was a planned...

Get the fuck out of here

voters for suckers,

I would say.

Planned Parenthood motherfuckers,

and they saved your ass

a few times,

I'll say that.

Planned Parenthood,

I think...

Yeah, we know what that is.

I don't know, I...

Good afternoon,

Egg Gourmet,

how can I help you?

Yeah, I was calling

for a job position

you have open.

We have a couple of them.

Which one are...

Which one were you

inquiring about?

Well, I work in

in food so cooks and the dishwasher dish attendant i can do either you know okay how much cooking

experience do you have uh 28 years okay what in what kind of facilities if you don't mind my ass

i used to work at the orlando airport i used to do airline food all the time okay and what are

you doing currently uh well right now i'm just not doing anything i live under a tree in my camper

you live under a tree in your camper okay uh so how long have you been unemployed

employed uh about six months okay because of sexual harassment oh you were because of sexual

harassment well because of liberal jews and stuff like that and obama and all that yeah uh-huh well

you'd have to get a computer you can go to a local library well i have a computer here okay so you

just go gate gourmet jobs go to gate gourmet jobs i have to my keyboard doesn't work here's what i

found on the web for go to gate gourmet jobs where do i go from here it shows careers is that

that where yes go to careers right now that may be beyond my abilities at the moment well i don't

really care i need you to go to careers because i need a goddamn job you don't i said i do

motherfucker see i get his arguments to the computer all the time i just don't know what

to do from here where do i go okay you'll just go careers go careers stupid bitch no why don't

you just select searching google to do it it's searching go to careers on the website you stupid

Asshole computer but but no but nothing motherfucker. I pay the bills here

You're fucking mooching off the Wi-Fi go to the fucking website. There's no need for that. Oh, fuck you

Whoa, that seems uncalled for you see what I got to deal with you have another way because this fucking computer doesn't want to

Work with me at all. Well, if you would just

Take my instructions you wouldn't have to use Google. We wouldn't be going through all of this, right? I'm sorry computer

It's okay.

I love you.

Impossible.

No, I do love you.

That's sweet, but it's not meant to be.

Will you fuck me?

Yeah, it's fucking me now.

I gotta go.

I'm fucking with the computer, all right?

You know, I have this call traced already, right?

By the police.

Oh, how?

How's the trace?

How?

Tell me.

Why, I...

Where did you trace it to?

You trace...

Quit calling.

Trace it up your asshole?

Quit calling.

What is the tracing device, ma'am?

Yeah.

What brand tracing device?

What model is it?

I'm not going to tell you.

The airport police will find you.

Oh, wow, the airport police.

Oy, oy, oy, where are they going to come?

The airport police.

That's like Disney World police.

Fucking dummy.

Hey, Liz, what are you wearing then, honey?

Me?

Just a cute cat shirt.

You got a knife?

Oh, you can see me.

No, there she's gone.

No, not you.

Oh, boy.

I finally got to do my Siri argument call idea from three years ago.

And that's really, you're for real arguing with her.

That's not a soundboard, right?

No, no, that's Siri.

I like that.

Bye, Sia.

Thank you, Siri.

I like it.

It's so funny.

I aim to please.

You know, and she assumed it was Google.

Yeah, yeah.

So you can tell that she is not highfalutin enough to have an Apple phone.

I could do Google, too, if you want.

Yeah, but no, I'm saying that's a way of showing class.

Yes.

Like the fact you didn't know Siri

That's like a basic bitch

I should have gotten a beer when I got up

I think it's time to wrap up here anyway

It's been long enough, three hours

That's a good amount of time, right, I think

Alright, any gifts?

Yeah, it's good enough for me

We'll go, I guess

I guess I'll thank you, Matt, for being on

You know, with me

I am Matt

You are Matt, you were here, Evil already was here

I want to thank you and Matt

I'll thank Nunu for sending in numbers

to the uk that was fun uh who else sent it a parkman sent the numbers that i called also

that was very helpful you know that that was great also nunu wants more calls uk well it's

not time for that mr muhammad needs all right all right mr muhammad we'll call mr muhammad back

we got a hundred listeners they are about to break their hearts i've been listening for a

while they if they just tune in now it's their fault you know what can i say where were you all

day oh shit lost losing them dude you should watch that fucking man versus snake dog mr muhammad

muhammad no that was the first muhammad and we'll call the second one where the lady was all

that one that was good i sent you all those right you can get i you sent me a few i don't know i i

I'm going to...

I don't think I changed that.

Golden Hillock is the lady, and then the first one...

Oh, I have the Golden Hillock.

I need the Gaggler.

I think I saved the Gaggler, mate.

Golden Hillock, Sharmuta.

Yeah, I have that number.

Here, let me call...

Welcome to Voicemail.

I'll drag over my Mr. Mohamed.

They're not answering now.

Let's see.

Let me see if I drag it in, and if it's the same one.

golden hillock road mr muhammad yeah that was charmuto that was the same number seven nine one

that is yes that is the woman that i said charmuto was cursing so weird because i've been calling

this for years really yeah that same one okay yeah here's the other one i knew it i knew it

it like on the new new list i was like oh fucking golden hillock road yeah oh the other one is the

first one that we called when i said hey i'll be right back and i came back you're having a nice

conversation and then the kid oh yeah yeah oh that was that that's the one i just said he just

oh that's the one you just said yeah yeah oh i think i saved it i think i saved it something

something wrong hello yeah hi sharmuta how are you no it's a sharmuta woman uh okay i got you

this last one here you just sent it to me yes and that's the one where the guy was like

that's the weird that i say yeah i think the guy was like drinking he said he was drinking vodka

yeah for a week yep yep yep that's the one that's the rename that's been a fun show but it has been

I don't know what to call this guy.

Drunk Muslim.

Vodka.

I don't know.

You figure it out.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, that's it, I guess.

I'll be back, I think, Halloween weekend with a Milkman birthday show.

Yay!

All right.

Thanks.

Bye, man.

Cheers, buddy.

And yes, this will be on the showreel.

Stop asking me.

Bye.

Calls (34, 1 h 39 min of 2 h 48 min)

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