Pranksgiving: Horse Reloaded

What do you hear about the Diaz brothers?

What about them?

What about Gaspar Gomez?

What is he going to do when you start moving 2,000 keys?

Fuck Gaspar Gomez and fuck the fucking Diaz brothers.

Fuck them all.

Where are those cockroaches?

What are they going to do for us?

The jewels are the realm of those who deserve it.

Even I, in the changing of the wind,

I got it.

shipwreck,

we build a new stakes of a trash-filled mine

of a laser-bathed seashell.

Let us begin the story now.

Hey, people.

Hey, Milkman.

I'm Big Guy.

Doing their boy.

Psychic.

Hey, Mr. Beach.

Oh, Hermione.

Break at any time.

Oh, what's happening, baby?

Oh, I'm Graham.

Press T for pricing.

Press 3.

Well, happy Christmas to you.

The number you entered is not a valid extension.

Thank you for calling Born Psychic Beyonce.

This is Sally.

Please tell me your name, and I'll try to connect you.

You can press one at any time to leave a voice message.

Sally?

Please hold. Thank you.

Shout out to Ken.

Wait while I try to connect you.

Okay.

You can press one at any time to leave a voice message.

That's it.

Big five.

Is not available at the moment. Sending you to voicemail.

Five minutes psychic reading for free my ass.

asshole hey milkman anyway it's thanksgiving 2016 wow what is this my son what what'd you have did

you have some chicken because you don't have turkey because you're a lonely man no uh ham

ham hell yeah if i was single i'd be eating some ham that's all i'd have is ham but i fucking make

a rock and super ham man i don't joke around but ham is like contraband meat in this house

because the fucking wives there

You can't have pork, you can't have that much

red boy meat pork

You're not allowed

You're diabetes

Fuck

We're doing calls

It's Thanksgiving, maybe we'll do something

horse related, you know

We've had a lot of fun on Thanksgiving nights

I'm just in a great mood

Please don't mess up my meal, people

Please, be nice

Don't do the bad thing tonight

Thank you

Addiction recovery.

Quality assurance.

You have reached a substance abuse services center.

To ensure every caller receives quality customer support,

calls may be recorded for training purposes.

Please stay on the line, and the next available counselor will be with you shortly.

Breaking the cycle of addiction.

It can be done.

Addiction services, this is Mark.

How may I help you?

Hey, this is Susie.

How are you?

Good.

How are you?

What kind of addiction do you help out with?

Substance abuse.

Okay.

All right.

Do you just network me with a place?

Well, I work for a facility, you know.

I work for treatment facilities.

Are you looking for substance abuse treatment?

Yeah, so will you just, like, kind of network me to someone nearby?

Or maybe do you offer some type of phone counseling?

Well, we're all over the country.

Well, that's what I'm trying to say.

Like, our facilities are nationwide.

We're private facilities.

Oh, here we go.

Here comes the hard sell, right?

What?

Oh, what's the hard sell?

Go ahead.

What is it?

You know?

How much do you charge to be in there?

Do I go in free, but you guys charge the government for a subsidy on me?

Okay.

I'm just an admissions coordinator, okay?

Oh, cool, cool.

So, do you need private health insurance or out-of-pocket costs?

Yeah.

I don't need to go through anything.

Is there a sliding scale?

I'm kind of one of them sliding scale Obama phone kind of types, you know?

Like Matt Hillock.

Matt fucking Hillock.

All right.

Well, do you have Medicare or anything like that?

Yeah, but I'm so lazy that I haven't filed my taxes.

in over like eight years so i can't get many benefits you know all right do you want me to

give you a referral number that that can help you out yeah i mean is there any phone counseling

any phone counseling phone counseling phone counseling no no no this is just an omission

fine yeah i'm sorry all right so you just sit there and you pretty and you're just the lady

that picks up the phone like hey hey honey i'm here to take a message that's it like you know

When I was younger, there was this service called Dial-A-Nurse, and it was really touted.

Oh, man.

Dial-A-Nurse.

Fuck Dial-A-Nurse.

We'll never get to the Dial-A-Nurse story now.

You guys better hope that.

I'll call right back and just start explaining Dial-A-Nurse to whoever.

What are they going to train you?

Breaking the cycle of addiction.

Addiction Services, this is Brian.

How can I help?

Hi, Brian.

How are you?

Was I just talking to you?

We've seen I've been disconnected.

Very well.

Hello?

uh okay i don't think you're talking to me but what's going on tonight oh yeah um so there was

a service when i was young in the town i grew up in called dial a nurse it was very heavily

touted on the local news and local media local newspaper dial a nurse the local hospital now

has nurses on standby to answer any questions motherfucker if i didn't call there like five

six times throughout like my teenage years and it was always all there was always a nurse but for

For every single question, they would say, oh, we're going to ask a doctor.

We have to refer it to a doctor to get back to you.

So they would not give out any information.

So really, it was just making nurses take general question calls, making their lives more difficult.

And they were basically just giving these questions to doctors to get the answers for, you know.

Other than if they were like, oh, I'm having chest pains, what should I do?

And they would say, obviously, you know, stay on the line.

I'll connect 9-1-1.

So what's going on?

Hmm?

I was trying to figure out what the hard sell is here.

The hard sell.

What my job is?

Yeah, exactly.

Like, what do you guys really do for me?

You just network, you know?

You network to some kind of big company.

No, you're calling a drug and alcohol treatment center.

and we admit people into drug and alcohol treatment well obviously i need that i'm calling

interested but i'm trying to get the deets on you know because there's not much information on your

guys and on the street beat so i thought i'd ask a call and ask so why don't you tell me a little

bit about what's going on with yourself so i can direct you well i mean figure out exactly what we

can do for you well are you just are you actually going to offer some kind of counseling or talk or

or is this just you're going to forward it on to a doctor or something?

No, we're not a hospital.

I'm not a nurse.

I'm not a doctor.

I'm an admissions coordinator for seven different drug

and alcohol treatment facilities nationwide.

Okay, because when you say admissions coordinator,

it almost sounds like you're running a for-profit university or college.

So that's where I start saying,

oh, see, there's a heart cell here somewhere, you know?

It's not a heart cell.

It's a substance abuse and mental health treatment facility.

Right, but how does the co-pay work, then?

Let's get to the biscuits of it, you know?

Why don't you tell me what you're struggling with,

is we can get to the biscuits that way.

All right, well, emotional baggage, just general insomnia, can't sleep.

I put peanut butter in everything, even steak and turkey.

Okay, so what are you struggling with substance abuse-wise?

Well, the fluoride is the major problem. It's in everything.

What are you really struggling with?

Well, I mean, like, is this anonymous?

It is, yes.

You sure?

Anonymous, yes.

It is? Okay.

All right.

I'm on that Flocka.

Okay.

And I also use...

How long have you been doing that for?

I also use Gort.

How long have you been doing that for?

Gort, I've been doing it for about three years.

How about Flocka?

Well, I mean, I don't want to talk about it.

Okay, so how am I supposed to help you if you don't want to talk about it?

Well, it's more of a problem with the Gort, to be honest with you.

Now, what is Gort?

well i mean i mean i can look up what the technical term is for it or something that's

just called gort that's what everyone calls it around here is gort oh you got that gort

get that gort for me martinez sells it down at the seneco station that gort that gort man

yes so what does that consist of is that like smoking crack or shooting heroin or what no

no it's completely natural you know completely natural okay so what else i think it involves

I think something about taking something natural and then you combine chloride ions to it, I guess,

and a suspension and a sous vide, basically, which is like a vacuum machine pressure.

Yeah, I have no idea what you're talking about, man.

I don't know.

I ended up at this place.

I was walking, and I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping, you know?

like i wake up and like i find pens and remote controls stuck in places that i would never put

them in and this happens when i wake up i just find like pens you know in different places where

they shouldn't be if you know what i mean so i was walking and there was this store it was called

sleep doctors and i went in there was like look i really need to talk to a sleep doctor like why

and i explained look you know i keep waking up i'm having really bad time i think i have that

sleep apnea maybe you know and i wake up and there'll be a you know pen up my asshole you

know and i didn't put it there like i had found a sharpie the other day and it was all the way down

to the cat so you so what you're telling me is you're struggling with alcohol abuse okay so do

you want help for struggling with alcoholism or what well because what i what i treat what i treat

here is substance abuse right yeah but what i mean i went to the sleep doctor place and they

they didn't know what i was talking about the guy was like i'm gonna call the police you're crazy

um they asked me to explain exactly what the gort was i said look the gort um is what's causing the

problem with the sleep and they're like sir what do you even mean what's gort what's gort the guy

kept asking me the bald-headed guy what's gort what's gort and then i explained martinez and

all that they don't know martinez either i guess and so i ended up writing it on the wall and i

I was like, look, I'll draw you a diagram, and I drew the diagram on the wall inside the sleep doctor's store.

I drew it for the sleep doctor, but he didn't understand.

I have a feeling he isn't really a doctor, you know, because he just had, like, a white polo shirt on.

So let's talk about your substance abuse issues because I don't treat for any disorder that you're talking about.

So what kind of substance abuse issues are you struggling with?

I put peanut butter in everything.

thing yeah that's not a substance abuse issue well if you don't have a substance abuse issue

people actually want help peanut butter is a substance sir i'm talking about i'm talking

about heroin or crack man okay well i'm talking about heroin alcohol i'm talking about gort man

dude is there a supervisor i can talk to listen i'm gonna i'm gonna be completely honest with

you right now it's a thanksgiving night okay and there's people out there who are actually

struggling okay all right all right all right no you're right you're right you're right you're

right i'm sorry i'm sorry you're right i'm sorry you're right you're right yeah yeah all right all

right yeah okay all right you got it you got all right all right yeah i understand you're right

you're right you're right okay all right he's right he's right that's people might need help

he's upset and i think i i can understand where he's coming from my bad what the hell did you

get against gordon man it's not your fault it's not your fault he's your call is now being

being connected calls may be recorded for quality or shit stop man shit the sleep doctor that's a

that's jim stewart a jim stewart prank call he did the cycle of addiction recently can be done

addiction services how can i help yeah i'm sorry i'm sorry okay i'm sorry i'm just calling back

to say i'm sorry and you're right you're right you guys are right brian is this brian i don't

know if that was brian brian with a y yeah he's gone now i think that butterball turkey line is

closed by now let's see i don't think they work that way today they're open all holidays they

started like maybe a month ago maybe she started like a month now the turkey addiction line all

you turkey addicts oh my god you know what um i've i share with dwight the number for a fat

overeaters anonymous phone counseling lines and um it's just funny because i i can imagine like

Like, today, they're really struggling, you know?

Overheated synonymous.

It's like, I don't know.

It's like being, like...

Oh, shit, Weight Watchers.

Weight Watchers, yeah.

Overheated synonymous.

Yeah, oh, shit, yeah.

That's like being a sex addict,

and you get, you know,

transported to, like, a Roman orgy weekend.

Yeah.

You know?

I must abstain, you know?

Like, what the fuck?

Everyone's fucking.

I'm a sex addict.

this isn't fair that would be oh man all right let me see i don't think they're open this late

today is uh they closed central to either closer today they closed uh they closed three hours ago

four hours ago four or five hours ago actually they're enjoying their family machines but

they'll be open tomorrow from 8 a.m to 6 p.m yeah even weekends even sundays 8 a.m to 6 p.m

throughout december okay anyway let's continue let's get to more things more numbers just found

my notepad over here it's a different addiction call may be recorded for quality assurance okay

busy day busy day we got tyson fresh meats they make those damn fucking turkeys frozen

motherfuckers tyson is very overrated meat very overrated very overrated meat milkman

thank you for calling tyson fresh meat such port attendance at this number may now only transfer

calls if you know your party's four digit extension dude stand for standing rock dude

Dude, they said, they said, Dakota.

Why, why?

Standing Rock.

Why?

Couldn't hear the options, motherfucker.

Sorry, dude.

Standing Rock, dude.

Standing Rock?

What's Standing Rock?

Standing Rock, too, dude.

That's where they're trying to kill the Indians for protecting the Missouri River.

Oh, fuck that river.

This is Doug.

Hey, boy, how you doing?

Who's this?

Hey, this is Cross.

From where?

From my grocery store.

Cross Machine Grocery Store.

Yes, sir.

All right, and we have a big complaint with these Tyson birds of yours.

I'll send you over to the chicken area.

They're pieces of shit.

Yeah, okay, go ahead.

Thanks.

It was in your mouth.

Yeah, very funny, sir.

Go ahead and transfer.

Let me transfer you over there, sir.

I don't need lip from the help.

Go ahead, put me through.

Come on, hurry up, boy.

We set a 12% water reduction goal.

We've got to call some stores before they close.

They didn't call these motherfuckers, all right?

We'll call Tyson Birds again.

Milkman, put that on the big board if you don't mind.

Tyson Birds.

We've got to call for the birds machine.

the guy already got mad security probably being a dick saying don't pick it up for a long time

make way or hold he told me that the pieces of shit belong in my mouth dickhead dickhead okay

so stores are operating on later hours milkman it's kind of amazing you know when we first started

this show there were a lot of stores that opened right at midnight and didn't close at all some of

them so this is back let's say the economy in 2006 2007 but that was still if not sustainable

attempted to be taken advantage of sustainably by retail major retail that doesn't happen anymore

mostly because of people at walmart it started with getting trampled every year we even used to

say here i used to say you know what's the count going to be this year how many deaths this year

start off with three and then eight and then a bunch of shootings yeah anyway so it's changed

now most of these places are opened at four in the afternoon let's say on average let's say

some of the open regular hours others were open maybe in the afternoon starting at three four

five p.m and will close at midnight or one or ten p.m some of them and then they'll open early

tomorrow around six i think but that's basically because that that was crazy milkman people were

fucking getting crazy there at midnight you know killing each other at best buy and stuff

the biggest pain in the ass is it affects the police you know because now the cops have to

work that fucking night they're already busy trying to make that money every holiday cops

out there making that money getting them uh dui numbers up what i'm trying to say is that they

do a lot of it seems to be more intense around the holidays right as in always like oh yeah

they're looking for drunk drivers see them in force i wonder if they get paid more for that

night that's where they're more apt to i wonder if you get paid more for working like thanksgiving as

a cop i guess it depends on the department man am i talking a lot i need to do prank calls here is

a one of a favorite of ours that we like to call around the holidays hi hi thanks for calling must

be busy and i got a whole list of them look i got the whole list right here somewhere well i had a

whole list of who was open at what time today i'll try somewhere else i'll take my business elsewhere

i know best buys are open costcos are closed all cvs's are open dollar generals are open until 10

p.m today five below that shit store is open till one o'clock in the morning today most locations

we got a few to call here all right let's try it move on my wife actually was at target and said

there was a big sale on 4k tvs and people were very rude and mean and nasty with all these tvs

in the carts going around and they were getting in scuffles and such things of this nature what

my ideas i hope you hey cvs thank god you're there thank god you're open yeah well until what

time is open uh 10 o'clock oh you are closing at 10 o'clock yep oh wow man that's crazy all right

is it busy right now nope it's pretty dead do you have eggs uh i do all right they're on sale as

as well okay good good or do you have orange juice i believe i have that as well small ones and big

ones do you have sandwich meat like ham yeah i do have ham yes do you know what other kind you may

have it's very important to go check for you real quick because i need to know because of the

nitrates in it you know if you could tell me what kind you know all right suck your dick all right

thanks you gotta come back now h&m's will be opening at midnight how's september 10th of them

I have oven-roasted turkey, I have cooked ham, and I have thinly sliced ham.

Okay. All right. Which one weighs heavier?

Let me go check for you.

All right. Thanks.

The PC's open until 2 a.m. tonight.

Yeah, hey, man. It's all right. I don't care. Well, what is it?

Oh, no. I was going to say oven-roasted turkey breast is 8 ounces and cooked ham is 8 ounces,

and then the thinly sliced ham is 7 ounces.

Okay.

Which one looks like it has more gort?

That you'll have to see for yourself.

Okay.

All right, yeah.

I mean, it's not easy if you're not used to seeing gort.

You know, you can't really tell.

That's true.

Okay.

Any chance you have horsey cat there?

You don't have to go look for it.

Horsey cat?

I have no idea what that is, actually.

What is it?

It's like one of those made for a scene on TV area, you know, that you've got there.

Oh, I don't think I have that.

You don't have the horsey cat?

You probably don't, you know.

yeah i got a small scene on tv um section yeah yeah it's a small one there all right

you ever try that eggtastic i think i have that actually oh that eggtastic man oh that's great

yeah my friend and uh my friend dwight i got him into that he does it with egg whites and he puts

bologna he puts a ton of bologna inside of it too with the eggs the egg whites okay yeah and he

He dumps, like, three tablespoons of salt.

Oh, man, white people, right?

Fucking nasty.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, he's like, I'm eating healthy, I'm eating healthy.

You know what he eats it on?

On toast with mayonnaise.

Disgusting.

Yeah, but, right?

White people, right?

Anyway, look, man, I got to go.

I got to go take a shit.

Okay.

All right, I'll see you, man.

Be safe.

Thanks.

Yes, sir.

All right, go on.

All right, cool.

This radio will be back.

We're on break, yeah.

No, I'm kidding.

We're not on break.

Gotcha.

I had to cue it up to the wrong song.

It's a nigga right now.

All right.

He was pretty nice.

He hung in there.

He got a horsey cat in.

We'll compare it to other CVSs, CBSIs, throughout the day, the night here.

I think he's a good tenor for a nice CVS guy.

Milkman, you're awfully quiet there.

You got them CVSs where you live, Milkman.

Hello, Milkman.

I haven't heard from him at all in a while.

always do with this hey milkman come back please sir should i recall i'm gonna redial

hello hey there you are lost you were being real quiet so i just called you back i was i was on

You're eating? What are you eating? A bologna sandwich?

No, ham, stuffing, gravy, fag-chewed corn, and a nice salad.

How much does it weigh?

A salad is probably about six ounces.

Oh, that's good. That's cool.

Yeah.

All right, we're going to call another CVS because we know they're open.

Another CVS because we know they're open, motherfucker.

All right.

So did you make the ham or did you buy it made already?

Yeah.

I know you like...

No, I cooked it.

You like that Whole Foods milk, man?

You like that Whole Foods?

Whole Foods?

No.

No?

All right.

Never see the price.

Fuck no.

Yeah, no.

Thank you for calling CVS.

This is Mazda.

How may I help you?

Hey, Mazda.

How you doing?

Good.

How are you?

Oh, I'm good.

I'm good.

Very good.

Thank you.

Thank you for asking.

That's great.

How's the heat down?

Do you need some help?

Yeah, how's the heat down there?

How are things going?

Do you need something with, like, are you a customer?

Yeah.

What did you need?

Horsey cat.

I was looking to see if you had the horsey cat.

Horsey cat?

Mm-hmm.

Hold on one second.

Okay.

Is it iHeartMedia?

Have a good night, sir.

What's that?

We don't have that.

I don't think we have that.

You don't have that?

Did you ask?

What's iHeartRadio?

Yeah, I asked.

No, you said iHeartRadio.

That's not what I'm looking for.

No.

Hold on one second.

What does that mean?

Hold on.

Why?

Thank you for calling.

This is Danny.

How can I help you?

Hey, how you doing?

Doing good.

Hey, how's the heat down there?

All right, man.

Okay.

Was I just talking to you?

Huh?

Was I just talking to you earlier?

No, right?

Yeah, you were.

I was just trying to find out if they had a horsey cat somewhere else instead, you know?

Yeah.

What did I miss?

Anything happen?

Did I miss anything?

No, nothing.

I just had to get to work right now.

Oh, you got to work.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to bother you.

I was just calling.

I guess I was calling and thought a different place.

And when I called you back, then I was just like, well, maybe just, hey, what's up?

You know, like, how are you doing?

Did I miss anything?

You said, no, nothing really happened since we were last talking.

all right all right what's your name brian what was it daniel daniel daniel all right daniel all

right well i'll talk to you later i'll see you man yeah see you man all right bye all right

daniel hello thank you for walking how can i help you hey honey how you doing hello how's it going

yeah how's it doing oh good uh i'm looking for horsey cat can you check what you're looking for

please horsey cat any idea hello you're looking or yeah let me check okay yeah cisco machine

What are you looking for? What do you look for, Milkman, when you ask for something so silly like horsey cat?

What do you look for?

They probably go and joke around, walk around the store, and take a break, right?

And then they come back and say, no, we can't find you.

The whole time they've been taking a break, right?

Walking around, goofing off, talking to their friends.

Smoking a cigarette, probably.

Right. They're probably hoping people like us call so that they can go take a free break.

Then they come back and hang up the phone.

Oh, I gotta go to break. You've been on break.

No, I was on a call.

No, we have to inquire what database they're using.

Tell us.

They don't have it.

We'll give them some information.

Yep, yep, yep, yep.

Verify their database acquisition.

Oh, my cell phone battery just died.

Hello?

Hello, thank you for calling.

How may I help you?

My cell phone battery is going to die, you know.

I'm waiting for you to help.

I called because I'm looking for a horsey cat.

Oh, yeah, hold on.

We double checked right now.

Are you Asian, too?

Or is this an Asian store?

store Asian people uh yeah in Little China where is this little where hello Chinatown oh you're in

China that's what I mean Chinatown yeah this is Chinatown one store yeah uh-huh uh-huh oh wow

how you doing honey oh good sorry I'm busy right now just wait a little bit you Japanese or what

Oh, man. I was going to say Sekusu.

Sekusu.

Well, she's being rather evasive.

What? Milkman, you're of the Asian tribe.

What is that? Japanese? Chinese?

She's Japanese, I think.

That's right, dude. I'm African Amish.

Well, I'm asking you what you think that lady is.

You Asiatic?

Asian Amish.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thank you for calling.

Hi. Denny's?

Yes.

Oh, hey. I was trying to make an order.

Oh, man.

man we're not doing any to-go orders right now for 45 minutes but um you call us back at 45

are you fucking busy is that why she needs to do it now we need it right now i dropped uh

thank you for calling denny's oakley yeah i know you're not putting in to-go orders but i'm

wondering okay well the way you just you just cussed at me what i mean no no it was the dog

The dog here, I tripped over the dog.

I get mad at the dog, and I said that.

Oh, okay.

No, we're closed for 45 minutes.

I only have one cook, and I have to give him a break.

And it's very busy, right, probably?

No, it's not busy right now.

Oh, shit.

But we'll be back open in 45 minutes.

Oh, wow.

Okay, all right.

So when you come back open, then what is menu?

What can you tell me about the menu?

Yeah, when we open back up.

Listen, don't give me any African-American attitude.

I just need to know.

She ain't gonna deal with that milkman

African American attitude

I said African American

Sambo

You called Sambo's restaurant

We gotta call back about that horsey cat

Yeah I know

I'm not a bitch with that horsey cat

Busy

I forgot the numbers

That we were calling that Walgreens

Could've called back for that horsey cat

let it go let it go your call cannot be completed as dialed oh no well there was the asian lady was

on there it was all for some light gate out of here well it was like chinatown chinatown cbs

chinatown walgreens milkman what do you think about kanye west you heard that he went crazy

you heard do you know who do you know what a kanye west is i noticed that one dude that like

rips everybody off by sampling music and shit he's been worried yeah yeah what happened to him

oh poor guy you know he's going i don't know he's stupid he's uh he went crazy he went

whacka in the head he uh he did a very crazy thing he went off he went and did a very silly

thing killed his white wife he slashed her throat and then i guess her boyfriend was coming over to

deliver a pair of glasses and he slashed his throat too and then he got it uh he got back in

his car and then he

got on a plane to Chicago

and then they made the plane

turn around in mid-air and

come back and bring him back to California.

Yeah.

And apparently

he had a pair of gloves

that he dropped.

Remote access code.

Remote access code, Milkman. No.

Hello, this is Jenny.

Hey, how you doing?

Good, and you? Yeah, I'm good. I wanted to make an order.

Okay, just a minute, please.

You know, you ought to see when they come down, they swoop down that low to evade radar.

Oh, boy, man.

It'll just scare the pants off of you, you know?

Yeah.

All right, I'll be right here.

Okay.

All right.

Who would it be?

Okay, sir.

Yeah.

Oh, you're asking me?

I thought you were talking to someone else.

Oh, no.

I'm sorry.

Just give me a minute.

Oh, okay, honey.

Okay, honey.

Okay, I'm ready.

Okay, yeah, I need one eggs.

I'm sorry, what?

One eggs.

One eggs?

Yeah, stop me if you heard this one.

Okay, anything else?

Well, one eggs, yeah.

Uh, you just want eggs?

Yep, one eggs.

How would he like your eggs?

Cooked.

Scrambled, over easy.

With heat? Heat? Put some heat on it?

Okay.

Thanks.

Uno mas huevo?

He said uno mas huevo.

He was explaining to the Mexican cook.

She just hung up, huh?

Yeah.

You're challenging of an order for her, I imagine.

She hung up.

How can you count that high? One egg is too high a number.

Hello?

Yeah, Mira, I called to make an order,

and i guess you hang up why yeah no it's not a call it's to make an order for one eggs only one

egg one eggs one order of eggs that's it well what else come with eggs one how would he like

your egg yeah but i mean when i order eggs i don't know when i order eggs what comes with the eggs

like do i order a bread do i order a meat i don't know how it works i don't know i don't usually

get food like this but turkey got burnt yeah we had no food so you're the only place that's open

Hello?

Shut up again.

Well, they're not really thankful there.

Well, they're not.

What kind of Thanksgiving spirit is that exhibit to a starving guy, a 580-pound guy with a...

$550, right?

That's right, 58 inches of rust.

God damn.

Gave up on that.

We called back Chinatown yet?

Was it Chinatown or anywhere else?

They should have a horsey cat by now.

They probably could have grew one.

Grab one, raise it to Fort Daugherhood.

All right, going to Chinatown.

Oh, my little China girl.

Thank you for calling Wild Greens.

My name is Shuna.

How can I help you?

Yeah, I was calling about that horsey cat.

What did you find out?

I'm sorry.

What is it about?

Horsey cat.

I was calling about the horsey cat.

I have two other people looking for a fucking horsey cat, you know?

Did you call here earlier?

Yeah, I was calling and waiting and waiting and waiting.

I'm sorry, I have to...

I'm not sure as I have to transfer to someone.

Do you know who it might have been that was helping me?

I have no idea.

I don't work there.

You don't work there?

I mean, I'm in cosmetics.

I don't go anywhere for me.

Oh, see, I called before for cosmetics and you didn't pick up and I went to customer service, you know?

So what do you do? You just do cosmetics? Are you a contractor? Like the pharmacy people?

No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, I know.

You just work for cosmetics.

Who do you work for? For pretty people?

So you're looking for something. I have to transfer it to my manager. You can talk to him, okay?

All right, yeah, because, you know, I don't need to talk to the pretty little pussy there, you know.

It's a lot of hold, though. A lot of hold here.

I'm slacking, dude.

Connecting, yes.

Thank you for calling CBS.

I'm River Darrow.

Divisitor.

D-I-V-I-N.

That's great.

Thanks for giving that out.

I appreciate it.

Thanks.

Thanks for telling everyone what we're calling.

Good work.

Yay!

I didn't tell anybody.

Yay!

Good idea.

Very good.

All right, that'll place it in the answer.

All right, sir.

Well, they must be closed then.

Let's try Walmart.

All right.

Walmart.

When was the last time you went to a Walmart?

Oh, let's see.

I went there a week ago.

I don't go very often.

That's the first time I've been there in probably about a month.

Would you buy some socks?

No.

I went to pick up my prescription.

Oh, yeah?

Mm-hmm.

I went to the doctor last week, and he gave me a seal of approval.

Believe it or not, I'm not dying of AIDS or hepatitis or anything yet.

Yeah.

So I'm happily aged at 87.

87.

Let's call the confusion.

The confusion I do when I call Walmart Neighborhood Market, which is just the grocery store.

That's all they are.

And I start saying, I want to get the fucking, you know, I want to get the 4K TV.

The 4K TV.

Thank you for calling your local Walmart Neighborhood Market.

To an associate, press zero.

To repeat this menu, press...

what was that old 2001 there was a specific dvd player that went on sale thanks for calling your

neighborhood market walmart how can i help you yeah hey i was calling to see if i could get that

deal um how many of them you had left let's see it's at the walmart machine uh what deal is that

the hda2 hd dvd player for 98 87 dvd player let me see if we have that oh yeah layaway might have

be able to help me out i do have a layaway there too when he comes back we'll see that

thanks for holding this is shammy what can i do for you yeah i'm calling about the

dvd player that you have oh we actually don't have that here you're gonna have to call the

one in fact what about the 4k tv we don't have that here sir we don't have any type of well

wait a minute wait a minute when you get them back you see you put this ad out and then you

don't actually have them in there and then you get people excited sir we are a neighborhood

neighborhood market yeah okay where neighborhood market where she's i know you're in the neighborhood

yeah exactly walmart right walmart

we're used to grocery store

and then we're at market well that's great that's what i'm looking for i mean market

exactly we appreciate your business and look forward to the opportunity i read that out of

of an ad from 2005 for walmart black friday ad dude the one in 2001 it was everyone went crazy

it was a chinese one and it played uh it was really good at playing burnt dvds like so people

were going crazy over it was 25 dollars though man and within two and like two months later

after the holidays you could get it for 25 28 bucks i think oh man bastard yeah everyone went

crazy looking for him.

Like, it's only,

it's a 20,

and it plays

burned DVDs.

It's so awesome.

I think it was

an Apex, was it?

I forget the name

of that damn,

it sounded like

a generic condom brand.

They're not answering

here anymore.

They don't want

to talk to me.

They don't want

to talk to me anymore.

Oh, shit.

All right.

Whatever.

We'll do the break.

We'll call him back later.

We'll try somebody else.

Got any line numbers?

Maybe.

Maybe he's coming.

I guess Lowe's

isn't open.

I really wanted

to call Lowe's,

you know,

but they're not open.

uh who's open now uh well walmart's walmart's it's called walmart's they're really busy but

they're really staffed also you know uh yeah they're good now

they require to come into work or they get beat

hey how you doing uh we're fine how are you i'm not good at all why i was calling to see if you

you have the horsey cat there the horsey cat yeah is that electronics what is yeah of course

it's electronics yeah it takes every takes electricity and everything it goes you have

to make it go oh is it a video game or what is it yeah it's a video game it's called horsey cat

it was a cartoon but four years ago it was a cartoon and then it became an actual really

the next christmas after that it was a crazy plush doll with a big penis oh okay let me get

Welcome to Electronics. This is Silent Hold.

Where are you? What part of the store?

That's small. I guess there's a Silent Hold.

Walmart Electronics Department. This is David. How can I help you?

Hey, honey. It's Sally. How are you?

Doing okay. What can I help you with?

I was looking to see if you had Horsey Cat, please.

Say that again?

Horsey Cat.

I don't know what that is.

Well, if you go to the... I can show you. I can tell you what the system is for.

So what system is it for?

It's for Xbox 360, Windows PC Gaming, Apple.

Well, I don't have that for either of those.

PS3, PS4.

Yep, I don't carry that title.

Anything else I can help you with?

Okay, can you see if you have the book then?

I definitely don't have the book either.

Yeah, how do you know?

I know what stuff I generally have, and I don't have that.

You don't have Horseycat?

Well, can you put me through?

I don't.

Can you put me through, please, to where they make the keys?

Oh, they're closed right now, right?

Yeah, I'll put you on hold for you.

Yeah, you're just going to put me on hold, dickhead.

Yep.

Yeah, fuck you.

All right, have a good day.

Yeah, suck my dick, asshole.

Fucker.

Yeah, and I'm going to stand in line so it costs you money.

Yeah, there we go.

That went about as could have been expected.

Thank you for calling your local Walmart.

We appreciate your business and look forward to the opportunity to serve you in our store.

For pharmacy, press 1.

For electronics, press 2.

Hey, how you doing?

Yeah.

Okay, good.

That's good.

I wanted to make an order, please.

Order?

What order?

One hot dog with heat.

One hot dog?

Can't do that.

With heat?

Uh-huh.

Oh, yeah.

That was stupid.

Why didn't it say it was with the corporate office?

Stupid.

Hello?

Milkman?

Hello?

I'm here.

I couldn't hear you, though.

Walmart.

Hello, Walmart?

I thought she was going to put you on hold.

Oh, did she say that?

Okay.

I forgot to marry the two calls together.

together so she said she's gonna put me on hold then she's please hold and put on hold like that

what a bitch yeah i'd rather have at least a silent hold than a ring because then i can do

some little something something on the side you know yeah yeah yeah earlier i think she said

silent hold did the first time we called didn't she oh yeah did she i don't know that's why that's

why you're here yeah i think that's why you were i left you in that call so you could come i could

come back you could tell me you know i wanted you to be able to tell me calling a different walmart

Different Walmarts.

A woman can help you.

Hey, honey, how are you doing?

All right.

All right, I need to get an item check.

Are you the person, or do you have to transfer me?

What item are you looking at?

Horsey cat.

What is it?

Horsey cat, horsey cat.

A horsey cat?

Yeah.

Well, I think we're on hold, then.

Walmart, we appreciate your business and look forward to the opportunity to serve you in our stores.

All right, here goes another woman.

She came back.

Yeah, can I help you?

Yeah, hi.

Hi.

Hi, yeah, I was calling to item check.

Are you the person, or did I talk to someone else?

What is it you're looking for?

Horsey cat.

Is it a toy?

Yeah, a horsey cat.

Okay, one moment.

Hello?

Garden, hello?

Yeah, hi, I'm calling for the horsey cat.

The what?

Horsey cat.

My son says that you have the horsey cat there.

Oh, I believe we sold out of that one today during the blitz.

Oh, no.

How fast did the horsey cat go?

Well, I don't know.

some of that stuff went like within 10 minutes we had like the whole crowd around the box as soon

as we ripped the plastic off of it they were gone oh wow was there a lot of like collards coming

there i don't know oh yeah you know they start coming they take them all early you know they

because they eat early those kind of people you know the collards usually yeah we had uh plenty

um of diversity of people coming through here right at six o'clock oh really so when everything

Everything opened up.

Oh, good.

That's good.

Then it was more than just the colors that came in, right?

Pretty much.

Okay.

Well, that's good.

That's good.

So no horsey cats.

So when do you think you'll get it back?

I can't tell you because we never know from one day to the next what comes in on our trucks.

But I can tell you we get trucks every day.

Were they brown ones, black ones?

Do you know which ones you had?

I don't know.

They were all wrapped up when I went by.

Oh, okay.

But you definitely saw all the horsey cats?

As far as I know, yeah.

Okay.

There's a whole string of wrapped-up toy-type stuff.

Well, you're really on the edge with me right now

because you keep coming back and forth on the whole thing, you know?

Well, I'm sorry. I don't know.

It was like a zoo around here today.

But, you know, when I was playing football in high school,

the coach wanted me to take out the one player's knee.

And I said, Coach, I can't do that. I can't do that.

And he sat me out for the rest of the game.

Yeah.

Okay.

Alrighty.

All right.

Well, thanks for letting me know about the horsey cat.

Uh-huh.

Have a good evening.

Stupid asshole.

Thank you for calling your local Walmart.

We appreciate your business and look forward to the opportunity to serve you in our store.

Am I on my direct or phone call?

Horsey cat.

I'm sorry?

Horsey cat?

It's about the horsey cat?

A horsey cat?

Yeah.

Is that like a toy?

It's, I don't know.

The kids want it.

I don't know.

It's Horsey Cat, he says.

It has the lights come on.

It goes, Horsey Cat.

Like the music goes real loud.

Horsey Cat.

And then there's like a star inside of the circle, like a ball.

And it's going around real fast around it.

Let me go ahead and ask a member of management if we have that.

It's like really bright colors.

And then it stops and it says, you know, peril to guidance warning.

she hung up the

phone on me i'm gonna hold it the other walmart's what's going on here it just went quiet at some

point it didn't ring anymore just quiet well they keep putting me on hold i don't know if they're

listening or what i don't know it's been a long time i don't think they're listening we

We appreciate your business and look forward to the opportunity to serve you in our store.

Uh-huh.

For pharmacy, press 1.

For electronics, press 2.

Come in.

Well, they picked up and hung up real quick.

I think they're getting too many calls.

We ought to give them a break and switch to a different set of numbers for a little while.

All right.

Wait back to this one here.

I don't know which channel is this or what we're going to call this batch here.

This is your time zone, so it's okay.

Okay, so we'll come back to my time zone stuff.

after we go somewhere else for the next five minutes.

You want to do it not stores, not stores right now, you're saying?

Oh, I don't know.

I'm just saying anything.

We'll give these guys a break, and we'll come back to them

because they know we're calling now.

They've got to get at least 15 minutes.

Phone rings in five minutes.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you're right, you're right.

So a different place.

Okay.

All right, let's keep talking.

Now, let's bug somebody else for a little while.

We're out of our luck there, and then we'll come back to these guys.

All right, all right, all right.

Who do you think is open still?

So, Victoria's Secret, maybe?

Yeah, I don't know about that.

Okay, let me ask you this.

How many of these people are open now for the Friday thing?

Don't they start catching it at midnight?

No, that's what I was going to say, Milkman.

You're missing a great show here, man.

You're really getting on my nerves with that.

You're not listening.

No, I'm kidding.

But the truth is that they don't open at midnight anymore, really.

I think there's only one or two that are.

Everyone else either opens earlier or doesn't open at all.

They've changed.

Are you going to code tomorrow, then?

Is that what you've got to say?

Yeah, or only until, like, midnight tonight.

I don't know, dude.

I don't shop, dude.

I don't know.

Thanks for your call.

That's your job.

Victoria's Secret, how can I help you?

Hi, yeah, I was calling to see if you had the horsey cat ones.

The what?

The horsey cat ones.

What are you referring to, sir?

They say horsey cat.

They have a horsey cat on it, the horsey cat.

Are you talking about a bra or a panty?

Is there merchandise I can help you find?

Yeah, it's a panty machine.

We don't have any machines.

We only have the panty bars, and we don't have any panties.

Well, you have them there folded up.

You have them there folded up.

The panty machines all folded up different color sizes.

We don't have any.

We have, like, the panty bar, but we don't have any sort of machine to dispense them.

We don't have any panties with that logo on it, but we could look for another style.

um we're more than happy to help you um but we can also you know there's a lot of panties online

as well um so yeah just uh unfortunately we don't have that

okay

I like that.

She ran away scared.

I was just like, if I would've just taken my clothes off in front of her and started going, look at this, look at this.

She would've run away.

She would've acted the same way, just running away.

They get in the car and they're like, my God, this guy's crazy.

You're retarded.

The heck up the front.

If I should've went to the trench coat and just opened it up in front of her.

Yeah, you know, if you get a chance, tell them it's your trench.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

There was something last year where I said that, I'm sorry, I just sometimes I black out and I do weird, I say weird stuff and I don't even remember it.

She's like, okay, it's all right.

Taking too much ambient.

I was like, yeah.

She was like, okay, all right, it's fine.

Just, I gotta go now.

I think it was kind of like, yeah, that was pretty funny.

Cheers, buddy.

I love you, man.

Oh, you're good.

It's the simple shit that makes me laugh, dude.

All it is, if I can stop you guys thinking about it, it's just the simple shit.

Yeah, I don't know.

That's your brain, dude, is your simpleness, man.

Thank you for calling Victoria's Secret.

This is Lisa. How can I help you?

Horsey Cat. Horsey Cat.

Horsey Cat. The Horsey Cat one.

I think I scared her, too, just as much.

It's a new outfit combination by a certain collection.

My Gucci collection.

Stephanie, how can I help you?

Hey, how are you?

Hey, big girl.

Good, how are you?

I'm good.

How you doing, big girl?

Is it busy?

How's the heat down there?

Hey, big girl, how you doing?

Should have let it go.

Should have let it go, man.

I snuck it in once.

Oh, damn.

All right, call a different one.

Scaring the women at Victoria's Secret tonight.

This one may be open.

Thank you for calling Victoria's Secret.

For calling Victoria's Secret, this is Abby.

How may I help you?

Yeah, hi.

I'm calling to see if you have the horsey cat ones that are being advertised, the horsey cat.

I don't know what you're talking about.

It says, new, the Victoria's Secret Bralette Collection horsey cat triangle bralette.

$10, $10.

It says horsey cat, really big on there.

It says horsey cat, horsey cat.

I know all the bralettes are 50% off, so the price sounds right.

I have no idea.

see you Thanksgiving

bye

okay

I think you enjoyed that

look at stupid

here's a climactic finale

there

that's all there

it's fucking nothing

it's me going

I've lost everything

I've lost

all my ideas

are gone

it's not a real

or anything like that

it's not that provocative

it's more kind of like

what the fuck

is the

I finally exhausted

completely exhausted

my creativity

it's gone

all my creativity gone all right let's do one more one more

fuck i'm doing i'll try to do differently i just go i'll just go

that little bit drugs drugs drugs

that's really gonna pay your car very good yeah good doing drugs very good for you very good for

me oh it's legal so what see uh california has it's a recreational legal now you can't

it's illegal to buy it but it's not illegal to have it at this point california so the law passed

what i understand it's it's not illegal to possess anymore but it's illegal to buy it but if you have

it or you give it to someone it's not illegal that's what i heard it is until the end of the

year and then it'll be until they get a marketplace set up in a year or two i think i'm not sure i

think for two places yeah there's no marketplace yet but like i think maybe earlier from there

He said something about maybe one or two places was ready with it, but I don't know.

That's what I heard.

So when do the nonviolent offenders who are in for marijuana charges, when do they get their records cleaned,

and when do they get out of prison and jail?

Boy, I don't know.

You know, I'll tell you, you want to know the truth.

They had a lot of these options on here about life imprisonment and all that shit, dude.

And believe it or not, I'm a softie, dude.

I don't think they should be killing people, man.

You know, I'm really kind of pissed off to find out how many innocent people died, dude.

And they've actually put them to death and proven later on genetically, like with genetic analysis, and they found out they were actually innocent, dude.

And there's been some that's actually been put to death, gone to die, and then they find out that they actually are innocent.

And they have trouble getting them off of there still.

So, actually, I was against all that shit.

I said, fuck that, dude, because, you know, if we're paying so many million dollars just to keep somebody on death row, dude, why don't we just fucking warehouse them?

Because that's what we're going to do anyway.

Out of the, what, last, what, 20, 30 years of doing it, only five have actually died, dude.

So it's like, crazy, man.

Why spend the money and do all that shit?

We're not going to kill them anyway.

Right.

Because the appeals process will probably outlast their life.

Now, with the fucking crazy-ass Trump and shit, I couldn't tell you what the fuck that Sessions guy is planning on doing.

But I guarantee you, dude, that motherfucker's a racist as hell.

And, dude, this whole bullshit of this regime he's set up, dude,

sounded very, very fucking good.

Oh, my God.

No, man.

I'm so tired of hearing that.

I swear to God, man.

I'm so tired of hearing about it.

It's sad.

It's sad, but true, dude.

I mean, like, if you look at all his pics, dude, they're very racist pics, dude.

And I'm like, what the fuck, dude?

Dude, like, he's so serious about wanting to build a wall.

well he has he's flip-flopped on a lot of stuff right yeah he keeps saying that shit dude but

he's still coming out with that shit on tv right you know like it's always like you say

seems beholden right so you know we'll see dude like you know i still say it's merely

impossibility but he's still trying to talk it right so i guess because he ain't sitting there

yet you know he can't say no we're not gonna do it but i figure by now you know they're already

Like, that bullshit he said to get hired, you know, dude, is a lot of bullshit.

He's not going to be able to near a fraction.

That's why, you know, through the whole election, all he did was, like, call names and shit

and divert everybody from the whole thing of issues.

So that's what I was doing.

A lot of these debates, I kept screaming the issues.

Why are we talking about looks and people?

I'm kidding.

Thank you for calling Victoria's Secret.

Our four hours are Monday through Saturday, 10 a.m. to 9 p.m. and Sunday, 11 a.m.

7 p.m hello victoria how can i help you yeah hi i was calling to see if you had the horsey cat ones

there that are on sale ten dollars the shirts have some but they're limited okay where we went

out a lot of them the horsey cat ones i don't think we have those oh shit um do you have the

victoria's secret new bralette horsey cat collection crochet triangle lace i have i am

Okay, that's enough.

Done with it.

Maybe later I'll do more.

How long have I been here?

We've seen a lot of the connections

rather quickly, Thickler.

I don't understand.

Sold out of the shirts.

A lot of the difficulty seems to be there,

but there is some issues with the connections tonight.

Here I am.

Yeah.

All right, I'm going to give you a moment here

where I call another of these Victoria's Secrets.

This time I'm going to be like,

Hey, bro.

Yeah, don't be bringing up the election, man.

Because people get mad, you know.

They're like, oh, Trump.

Because they know I'm a liberal.

And oh, yeah.

Please try again.

What do you want me to do?

Zero?

Is that what this thing wants?

Stupid.

One moment, please.

All right, let's go.

Damn it.

Quiet.

Stop vaping.

Stop it.

It's illegal.

I told him.

It's still federally illegal, Milkman.

Have some respect.

That's right.

Dang on it.

I think Big Ross is open.

They're closed today.

Fuck Hillary, man.

I like how Jill Stein's down trying to raise money.

Hello?

Hi.

How you doing?

Good.

How are you?

Oh, good. Hey, remember me? I was talking to you before.

I'm sorry, what?

We were there. You were showing me the bralettes.

There's 20 of us in the store, so it probably wasn't me.

Oh, yeah, I can tell. It's you. You're so pretty, you know?

I was calling about the Victoria's Secret Horsey Cat Bralette Collection Crochet Triangle.

It says $10.

Yes.

Okay. Can I give you the SKU number or something?

hold on okay smell tuna i smell tuna that's the name of the song right here

giovanna sweet descent it's like i smell tuna let's talk about jay-z they had a beef

for for a few months james brown baby yeah james brown got involved in the beat

in the beef he was in the background singing say got to get now before you die

funky drummer good idea slop ask him to have i smell tuna panties

You smell tuna

It would be so awesome on a pair of panties

Those are edible sushi panties

It'd be great on a pair of bikini bottoms

I smell tuna

Tuna fish, just a big fish symbol

The Jesus fish style

You know what I mean, just the

Infinity symbol, but the one and it's a triangle

You know what I'm trying to say

With a beady eye and a big grin on it

I smell tuna

You can have three stink lines coming off the fish

Hey, that's a great idea

idea start our own freaking clothing label i don't know what we call it just horse just take

it a long time i'm gonna call her back bitch story secret pastry how can i help you yeah hey

i was calling for those i smell tuna pennies for the weapons the ones that say i smell tuna

okay all right do you have skew number z f three five nine two three no no we don't have that all

All right, do you have SKU number ZF427181?

For just a moment.

How long is it going to be?

Just a moment.

What's going on, though?

Why?

Do you have to do something else, or am I being difficult?

All right, because I don't want to bother you none.

Don't be sore at me.

I'm just checking on the product for you, so give me a moment, okay?

Read it back to me.

What did you get?

The Z98.

ZF359239.

Okay, so let me just pull it up, so give me a second, okay, sir?

Okay, honey.

She ain't coming back for a long time.

This one is fucking crazy in there.

They got 50% off all their panties.

So, you know, there's a bunch of women in there fighting over panties.

I'm hoping this motherfucker will just hang up, dude.

After three seconds.

This motherfucker will hang up before I come back.

Call her back.

I can call them back.

There's 20 of them there.

I'm looking ready.

I don't even have the numbers.

I'm going to fill up all the lines.

Thank you for calling Victoria.

Man, I dropped them both.

I could take a break

alright now you said

there was a list

that were from numbers

from my area

that's all you said

I guess

yeah

we can do it

but I gotta take a break first

listen

oh okay

I gotta take a break first

I gotta take a

alright honey baby

we can do a few more

a few more

then break

and then I come back

I gotta make a McMaster

and mash

if you know what I mean

oh okay dude

alright

alright let's

let's make it up

with one or two

off of that list

and then

then go do

Do you think Radio Shack is open?

Radio Shack?

I don't know.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I think their online operations still exist.

I wonder if they'll answer the phone.

Tell them, I'm here for your store.

Maybe there's somebody stocking the shelves right now.

Maybe there's always somebody stocking the shelves, right?

Yeah, let's see if Radio Shack's open.

And they're stocking too.

Price changes and shit.

Rotate the batteries.

I'm pretty sure they're still selling stuff.

Let's see.

They've got receivers for sale right now and stuff.

I've just got to find their contact.

Here we go.

Found it.

They're still using the same number?

I don't know.

We'll see if this is for real.

Supposedly they're open.

That's why I know.

80% off tonight.

Shit.

That's pretty good.

That's a good start.

80% off going out of business today, all right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Out of business for the last two and a half years.

I wasn't out of business, man.

That's scary shit now.

Thank you for choosing RadioShack.

Please listen closely, as some of the menu options have changed.

That's the way it works, the radio set.

Thank you for calling.

Our office hours are Monday through Friday, 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Central Time,

excluding holidays.

If you'd like to leave a message for us...

They've been closed, man.

A source was saying they were open until 1 o'clock this morning,

Central Standard Time, but they're not answering, so I don't think so.

but yeah they're selling

they've got some deals on

Amazon tablets for $33

Amazon Echo for $139

I thought about getting that Echo

that Echo looks interesting

if you run out of I don't know

paper towels you'd be like Echo

order paper towels

from Amazon for you

Amazon Prime

that's all you gotta do

oh shit I ran out of toilet paper

so you can call the hotel desk for you

and tell them you're in the bathroom

room yeah you're stuck in the stall yeah yeah that's it that's it ignorant that'd be that'd

be funny actually you'd do a call that way i'd have to have it do the work for it that's it

stupid ignorant yeah you're right no i'm kidding you're not that ignorant see if i can find a five

below that's still open

Thank you for calling 5-1-1

Hey, how you doing?

Hey

Hey, how are you?

I'm alright

Oh, good, good

Do you like Chipotle?

Do I like Chipotle?

Yeah, they're open

Okay

And if you wanted me to pick you up something

If you're hungry

I know you're working late hours tonight

No, um, who is this?

Oh, this is Cross

I was calling to check up on the horsey cat

I don't know if you're calling the right place.

This is 5 Below.

Yeah.

Yeah, you guys had a horsey cat on advertisement today until 1 o'clock in the morning.

Uh, what was it?

Horsey cat.

Um, I don't know what that is.

Do you have the ad there with you?

Yes, we do.

Okay, look at the horsey cat.

Okay.

Um, is it on the front part of the ad?

It's in the middle somewhere.

It's right in the middle of it.

Right in the middle.

I don't, I don't see that.

No?

Ah, damn.

Can you check in the back, maybe?

You just have some there?

I don't even know where I am.

I have to go.

The train's coming.

I have to catch the train.

All right.

There's another weird ending.

Let's hop on the Lionel Express.

I'm going to start saying that when I get out of a call.

There's a train coming.

I got to go catch the train.

All right.

Bye.

You're in the subway.

You're in the Lionel subway.

Yeah.

All nice.

No, I think a train would be funny.

Why would I be getting on a train in the middle of Thanksgiving?

Sounds like a mile-to-toe train.

It's perfect.

Oh, boy.

What's wrong with that, man?

There's nothing wrong with that.

That'd be a funny issue.

We got some comedy mileage left to get.

You know, we have a war down there.

Yeah, buddy.

I think it's coming up on a break time

alright we'll do one more

let me see what I got here

one more before break

and then for real I gotta take a break

that's enough

all aboard

we got any

are we supposed to call back

not really that's long and gone

I don't remember

I didn't make a note of the numbers

I did want to mention

we have now posted

this is a photoshop horsey cat panties hair panties horsey cat uh very nice i think that's

palindrome who looked us up for that that's pretty cool thanks palindrome palindrome working

hard on a horsey cat panty set for sale now all right palindrome i remember him yeah okay cool

merch.madhouselive.com get that yeah there you go man that's right man

even if you're a guy

you can get that

guys can get it

you can wear it on the wearer

if you're a guy

hold it up by the picture on your end

let me see that picture of it

I will I'll get you a link

I'll get you a link milkman

chill out

move it over to the right

right there

yeah man it looks good

thanks man

middle finger for you

See if we can find another, uh, one of these Denims.

Tell them you want to start a line of Gord next time.

You got any more of them drug count phone lines?

Uh, well, actually, we've got, um, Fat, uh, Fat Acceptance, no.

We've got...

The Overeaters Anonymous?

The Overeaters Unanimous?

Yeah, the, uh, Overeaters Anonymous.

Yeah, we have a bunch of those here to get to that Dwight sent in.

We have Parkman numbers.

We've got other numbers coming in here from Anonymous.

Oh, we've got tons of stuff we can do, man.

Tons of stuff to do, big guy.

We're only like halfway through.

Hi, Dennis.

This is Megan.

How can I help you?

Hi, yes, order.

What?

Order.

The takeout order?

Uh-huh.

Order.

Okay, what can I get for you?

Order.

What?

One eggs.

Order.

One eggs.

One egg?

One eggs.

One eggs?

How do you want your eggs?

Uh, cooked, please.

Okay, okay, okay.

I deserve that.

We'll try a different one.

Thank you for calling News.

This is Nathan.

How can I help you?

Damn, Nathan, you guys should take your time.

Pick up the phone.

Is it busy there?

How you doing?

No, I'm sorry.

The phone just up front.

It's hard to hear.

Oh, it's okay, honey.

Don't worry about it, honey.

Okay.

You guys busy tonight?

How's the heat?

Um, no, actually, we're pretty, we're pretty slow.

Oh, okay, alright, well, you know, I burnt a turkey, so I need to make an order.

One order, order, order, order, order.

One eggs.

We can do that.

One eggs.

What

can I get for you?

One eggs?

One egg?

Eggs.

Cook, please.

Hang on.

I gotta catch that train

I gotta go catch the train

I'm gonna eat on the train

Okay so just take the train here

I gotta go

I can't hear you

Alright

So when we get back more calls like that

Knox's noise is really big tonight

I know a lot of your fans

Are just noises, sound effects

I know I overdo that sometimes

But that's what I like doing

It's my show

I put people on speakerphone if I want to

do what i want so as we're seeing before we got more calls coming up here milkman will be here

maybe we'll have some sort of guests later on here we're doing that's the first two and a half

hours of 24 hours straight of carlito on by himself yeah yeah i'm gonna be doing a wine

enema tonight too i'm super excited about that i hope you guys tune in for that don't miss that

wine enema action and i don't know milkman you got anything planned you're gonna do anything

anything and put anything up your dick yeah maybe all right great all right we'll be right back

hey yeah later you know shut up put yourself on mute quiet quiet quiet

i've been talking to myself you haven't been answering hear me

oh milkman are you here is there a milkman

I had to get that work all over for that shit

with Mr. Milkman.

Yay, Milkman.

Good, we got you.

Fucking shit.

All right.

See what there is to do.

All right.

Yeah, Milkman, you can't hear it,

but that was the big...

Did you get the sandwich?

Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah.

No, no, I just had...

What did I have?

I don't remember what I ate.

It was nothing.

You went and had sex.

You went and had sex on the break.

I know.

No, I had a spoonful of stuffing.

That's it.

Castor oil.

I made an apple salsa.

it was really good milkman i made this apple salsa and it came out really good i must say i

had some of the crack the the tortillas so i made cinnamon sugar tortilla chips and an apple salsa

i know it sounds very bougie but it tastes yeah that's like sweet it's not hot is it no so i just

had a little bit of it but i made uh basically it was the inside of it's like apple pie filling

like...

That's apple salt, but dude, that's apple pie

pillow. Yeah, well, you use it as a dip.

Put a shot of top of teal on there?

No. You use it as a dip.

Stupid. It's a sweet...

All I use that is a dip. Yeah, and then here's...

The cinnamon thing there. Yeah, and the tortilla

chips, what I did is... See, that's serious

stutter food, man. I took flour

tortillas, right? The big kind, the burrito

size, the big round ones. They're almost... Oh, and you

made your own.

I brushed each side with melted

salted butter, and then I sprinkled

a mixture of cinnamon

and sugar

on it, and I baked it.

I cut it with a pizza cutter into triangles

and I baked it in the oven for

15 minutes until they were crispy.

It tastes just like Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

It's amazing. It's beautiful.

It's a beautiful thing.

Yeah.

I want to come over and party with you, dude.

Yeah, well, too bad you can't.

You make the shit, dude, and I'll bring the shit, okay?

Oh, yeah, bring the shit.

some shit. Hell yeah, dude. You make

your shit and I'll bring it, man.

So what I understand, Milkman, is that

you can go right now. You can take

if you wanted to fly out

and take weed with you, you can.

And if you go to the airport

leaving, like, California

where you live, if they catch

you trying to get on the plane with it,

all that's going to happen is it's going to go to

the LAPD, let's say,

or the San Francisco...

They're going to make you smoke the ambulance before you get on?

Well, no, they'll just say, hey, you can't bring that on.

They're just going to confiscate it, maybe, or they'll just take it from you.

No, smoke the evidence.

Give me a chance to smoke the evidence.

Fuck, I'll confiscate it.

Maybe.

But they're not going to let you get on the plane, but you won't get in trouble, right?

You won't get in federal trouble.

At least smoke the evidence, right?

Will you get in federal trouble?

Will you get in federal trouble, or is it just on the police there in California?

Well, why?

Who's going to enforce that shit?

Yeah.

Who's out there going to enforce it?

Yeah, so you can leave California.

Boy, they got federal marshals or some shit, you think?

I don't know.

I'm just saying.

I think you have to have somebody to enforce that shit first.

Okay.

But you would not get in trouble leaving California with it,

but you would, let's say, trying to fly back from another state.

But why would you do that?

Maybe not cover...

I don't know.

Maybe if you got caught with it in another state,

it doesn't like it.

I don't know.

Yeah.

What I heard, here's what I heard.

A friend of mine was in Colorado, dude, and they were, they were, like, I guess they were, like, I think they were, like, maybe handicapped or something, so I don't know if they were in a wheelchair or they were on crutches or what, but they were, like, not, they weren't moving real good.

good the motherfuckers made him wait and like searched him and felt their clothes the lying

of their clothes like the m and shit right yeah check the hem and then feel they're like the

crotch and all that shit and all that stuff dude so i was like whoa so apparently if you're trying

to leave colorado dude they catch you with this shit i don't know if you get in trouble with it

but they try to search you for it that's for sure so you can't you can't well i mean all right so

So let's say you're leaving LAX, and you've got a dime bag on you, right?

And you're like, yeah, let me see if I can get through with it on my flight to, I don't know, Louisiana.

I wouldn't expect it.

Well, listen, let me talk.

If the security stops you at LAX leaving out, and they say, all right, we found this dime bag of weed on you,

and recreational is legal in California on the state level, so what happens?

happens because the whoever who's going to kind of respond is going to be the lapd to that right

and they're going to say well it's not illegal unless they put a law in the books that says you

know you cannot take it into it's a felony to take it into an airport i guess they would have

to do that right i think it's really i think it's like yes we like legislated because this is all

brand new right so i think it's going like as president as like you know come you know so right

Right now, I don't know.

I haven't read the thing, the proposition.

They didn't give you really much detail.

There's a lot of shit that was good, and there's a lot of shit that was bad.

Part of the kind of bad is...

Can you take it over state lines?

Can you take it from California to Oregon?

If you're going to fly from LAX to Portland...

I don't know if it's legal there to Oregon.

Yeah, Oregon has legal recreational, so you shouldn't be able to travel there.

Maybe there, you'd probably be able to freely travel, I guess, yeah.

But can you get on a plane at LAX in Los Angeles, California, and take a flight to Puerto Rico?

I don't know.

The proposition's big, dude.

See, I didn't read all of it.

There's some bad parts of it.

Part of it was that this is being put on hold, but at first, you're not allowed to be big corporate.

So the small people can get into it now.

So I think it's like a six-month wait or something.

It's not very long, dude.

And then after six months, dude, then you're allowed to have big-sized farms.

That's when all the commercial people are allowed to come online.

There's commercial people ready to go right now, but they're not going online for at least six months, maybe nine.

I forget what the how it was written in the proposition.

But once that goes down, then the big guys take over, dude.

Well, it's got to be at least like nine months to a year for a decent harvest, right?

To get set up and all that.

Oh, I don't know about that.

Nah, dude. Nah, hell no, dude.

They got shit quicker than that, man.

They got stuff maybe eight, nine months tops, man.

Okay, so I just said nine months to 12 months.

Not that far off.

Yeah, you said nine to 12. That's three.

Okay, you got me. All right, all right.

So nine months.

Nine months, yeah.

It's going to be at least nine months, yeah.

Yeah, nine months.

Yeah, nine months plus the...

Yeah, they got nine months tops now.

Yeah, anyway, I don't know.

That's really weird, I guess.

I don't know.

I don't know what would happen

if you tried to fly from California to Oregon

with weed, because you're not even crossing.

I don't know. It's just one state

line, right? If you go from L.A. to

Oregon, you're going to go right through California

to get to Oregon, and it's...

You know, Normal might

have something on their site, N-O-R-M-L,

National Organization

for the Reward of Marijuana Law.

Dude, those were... They've been behind

this whole thing for many, many years, so

I'd say I would be the best...

my best guess on interpreting

it, man, sure. But Normal's going to have

a pretty good suit, right? They're going to be at

at putting the straight law on there.

The law?

Right, and I think there was something

about relaxing some of the stuff

for concentrates, too,

because concentrates is like a sticky issue still.

Or what?

Sticky issue.

Yeah, they want to fuck with concentrates, too, right?

And that's what everybody,

99% of everybody out there is into,

is concentrates.

Okay.

I'll tell you what needs to be figured out

is the edibles really need to get under control

because you don't know what the fuck you're getting.

apparently from what i'm hearing now sometimes you get the edible shit i heard a joke i'll tell

you honestly dude that i've had so many edibles man it was like dude i get a pound of that shit

i could take a crap literally dude and i probably have bigger buzz taking a shit than buzz you get

from food i don't get none oh that's hot though taking a shit high you get high when you're

taking a shit thank you for calling the walmart one hour photo yeah hi take a shit have you ate

I made the firecrackers once.

This guy named NotBradCarter told me.

Okay, I never got to eat Jimmy Fudge, honestly, dude.

Yeah.

It takes so much, honestly.

And most people that you buy the commercial shit off, it isn't good shit.

It's usually raggy shit.

You know, shake and stuff.

So the quality's not even really there.

It takes so many grams to get you really fucked up when you eat it, right?

So, like, if you're going to pay, like, $10 a game, that's pretty good stuff to smoke it.

But if you really need that concentrate, you probably need about, what, a few grams, at least two, three grams of that shit at least to eat.

So you're talking, what, $30 a cookie?

It's expensive.

Who the fuck's going to spend $30 a cookie?

Nobody.

Well, Snoop Dogg.

Unless you, like, make it yourself, right?

Snoop Dogg.

You're not going to get a three-gram cookie.

How about an eighth of a gram cookie?

This time of year you would.

Like Thanksgiving, if you had a lot of like-minded friends.

I've never seen it, dude.

like i don't do that i mean i've never seen maybe they've got i've never seen it all the ones i

ever see dude are small dude maybe like they got the course or one these are the ones i've got um

are the ones that people make it that you know it's different shops and they give them you know

they give them to you dude because they like sell them there like they don't sell they like

people apples and shit so yeah if they can make a sugar-free energy drink they can make a good

decent cheap marijuana edible well a friend of us here thank you for a bottle of these

get your business and look forward to the opportunity to serve you in our store

oh for pharmacy and really for like two um for me too for 10 milligrams for death you hear me

the oil there's an oil he said no 10 milligram gummy bears yeah i'm like yeah dude it was like

Like, a bottle of those were $20.

Hi, how are you doing?

How are you doing tonight?

Oh, you know.

Yeah, I was calling for a horsey cat.

Okay, is there a specific brand you're interested in?

Just whichever horsey cat you have there.

I'm not sure which brand it is.

I think it's by Galoo.

Okay, I'd have to get in touch with management about it to see if we have it in stock.

All right, can you also look for Jelk?

I would also have to get in touch with management for that.

Okay, how long do you think it'll be?

It should only take, like, two, three minutes.

Hey, what department are you in that you're picking up?

Are you, like, in a random, like, jewelry or something?

No, I'm actually in the service desk.

Okay, then what's the manager supposed to do?

The management finds out if we have it in stock.

Okay, so you don't have access to the computer to find out?

The computers don't have that capability.

It's within a different system.

Oh, okay.

What system do you think they're going to use?

I can't give out that information.

Oh, whatever.

Okay, sure, whatever.

Oh, Brad Carter.

All right, go ahead.

Put me through.

Okay, give me just a moment.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

right carter all right milkman the oil tell me what's the scoop on the oil

no i said this person would have got gummy bears 10 milligram gummy bears okay a bottle of them

was 20 10 of them in a bottle 10 in a bottle so two bucks per gummy bear right and it's 10

milligrams each 10 milligrams each excuse me okay all right okay so like you know how much that is

That's .01 gram each.

That's, ew, really?

You have to have 10 bottles to make a gram, dude.

So, like, what's 10 bottles at 20?

That's $200 to make a gram.

Yeah, but you're not concerned with THC.

You let it, it combines in your liver, doesn't it?

Break down in your liver to the other one, the CH?

Dude, it takes a lot more than you can smoke to get your high and eat.

That's what I mean.

Yeah, but what a high.

You can smoke a lot less.

Yeah, but what a high.

You smoke a lot less.

You can smoke a lot less to get the job done.

But if you eat it, you've got to eat a lot more.

You eat an edible, you eat a couple of those gummy bears, right?

And then you smoke yourself like a half a bowl or a quarter bowl, and you'll be ripped.

You end up saving up.

0.01 gram.

Listen, 0.01 gram, okay?

If you're just going to smoke, listen, if you're just going to smoke some herb, right?

But I say, all right, here, smoke some herb, but also here's three or four gummy bears.

A one-hitter is 0.1 gram, okay?

A one-hitter is 0.1.

Yeah, but it hits you different.

It takes longer, but you add those gummy bears to your normal smoke, and you're going to extend it out.

I think you'll extend it out, I think.

10 milligrams, dude.

I mean, I think you're going to waste your money for $2 a gummy bear, 10 milligrams.

I think somebody's ripping their ass off.

No, no.

I think if you're going to smoke yourself a bowl, then you smoke it before you start smoking.

I know.

We've made shit before.

We've made stuff before, dude.

I mean, literally made, cooked our own pate.

Friends actually had me.

I mean, we made cookies, brownies, pizza, all kinds of shit.

You can make tea.

Make a gumbo?

No, nothing like that.

We did make pizzas and stuff like that, spaghetti sauce, all kinds of shit you could do, dude.

Yeah.

And it takes a lot, dude.

I'm telling you, man.

The same amount that you smoke, dude, it takes a lot more to eat it.

Did you put it up your asshole?

Try that, dude.

If you was around, we would have definitely checked you out.

Oh, yeah.

Very funny.

That's funny.

Like a douchebag.

I'm telling you the truth, man.

It takes a lot more.

For pharmacy, press 1.

For electronics, press 2.

Calling a different one.

For pickup, press 3.

Hello?

I hear you.

Hello?

Hello, Walmart, please.

Walmart, hello.

Hello.

All right.

Back to the old drawing board.

Target opened today.

I didn't check into Target.

Didn't we have some, like, slow readers,

unanimous places and shit like that?

Oh, yeah, possibly.

Oh, Target was the one that didn't answer the phone right now.

Oh, we lost Milkman.

Target is the one that's not answering the phone until the mark.

No, that was Best Buy.

Thank you for calling your local Walmart.

We appreciate your business and look forward to the opportunity to serve you in our store.

for pharmacy press one for electronics press two for pickup press three four speak to us

hello walmart electronics this is jay how may i help you yeah i need you to check

horsey cat horsey cat what's going on with that there yeah i need you to look for horsey cat

horsey cat yeah what is that you're talking about it's an electronic session they have

horsey cat there for sale oh man it's an xbox game uh it's one i'm having a hard time hearing

anything sony xbox something like that i guess for my kid i don't know i don't deal with that

so the only like game systems we do have right i'm an old man all right i'm an old man i don't

get into all that fancy stuff you know i just know he this little shit wants horsey cat xbox 360

playstation 4 360 oculus it says horsey cat um i have not heard of that can you go just

just look right quick quick yeah this is a cordless phone is it is it a game yeah and it's

for the 360 it's for the xbox plays sony xbox something like that that one you know so those

are those are all different game systems yeah it's i don't i don't know um it has madden i think he

plays on it it was one of the games he plays on it madden's okay so madden's available on the xbox

360 the xbox one and the ps4 but those are all separate consoles and they won't interchange

they don't they don't uh like you can't put a cassette from one into the other uh no sir and

they're all they're all disc okay all right so the actual disc then the disc machine yeah okay

so yeah this i think then that might be the one then um so we'd have to know what game system

you're looking for i think it's like xbox xbox uh three something the xbox 360 the three okay so

there's the older xbox 360 then there's the xbox one right and then but it's a sony completely

different devices um can you just look for each one and see which one and and what was the game

called horsey cat yeah let me be right back with you all right yeah right what was that sir i wasn't

talking that was someone in the background i heard you real quick that's funny what did you

say real quick i wasn't paying attention what did you say they pissed him off what did you say that

pissed him off i didn't mean to piss in the pot i thought it was on hold i wasn't listening i was

looking for another walmart well what did you i thought he was on hold i'm sorry dude i mean

what did you say i said i said if it was in his app i bet he'd know where it was at

he heard me dude

I didn't know

he was listening

I thought he was on hold

I was in it dude

motherfucker heard me

I pissed in the box

what was that

I said

it was in his

motherfucking ass

he'd know

because what was that

what was that

the mailbox is full

and cannot accept

any messages at this time

if it was in his ass

he'd know where

the fuck it was at

yeah he didn't like that

that's pretty funny

motherfucker heard me

I'm sorry

that's fine

he was going to put us on hold

for a long time so it doesn't matter

I know dude well anyway there you go

you can put that one on later recording

it's all that

okay I don't know

I don't horn dude but that's the best I can do

I love you man

I touched in the pot I'm sorry

you can be saying things

thank you for calling your woman

We appreciate your patience and look forward to the opportunity to serve you in our store.

For pharmacy, press 1.

For electronics, press 2.

For pickup, press...

I didn't know who you were.

Hey, this is Walmart Electronics. How can I help you?

Yeah, hi. We'll come and see if you have Horsey Cat or Negro Assassin.

Or if you have any copies of Smell the Glove.

Horsey Cat, Negro Assassin.

Aww.

What was that?

Thank you for calling your local Walmart.

We appreciate your business and look forward to the opportunity to serve you in our store.

Huh?

Thank you for calling your local Walmart.

We appreciate your business and look forward to the opportunity...

Hi, Walmart Electronics. How can I help you?

Yeah, call and get a check, please.

Huh?

Call and get a check.

Huh?

Yes, how can I help you?

Yeah, looking for a copy of Negro Assassin.

And what is that?

It's a game.

I've never heard of it.

What's it for?

Xbox something, Xbox, Sony Xbox, I think, or something.

You mean Xbox 360 or Xbox One?

The Xbox One.

Yeah, okay, let me check.

Oh, in Negro Assassin.

Mokban, Negro Assassin.

Huh?

What's he even looking for?

Yeah, I heard this earlier.

Was that 2014?

14 that was 2014 15 when was negro maybe 15 yeah it's 14 or 15 i think we had like one or two years

let me think when was last year was uh 2014 yeah 2013 was horsey cat yeah 2013 and 12 i think was

horsey 10 11 12 were uh bruno or not bruno they were um what's his face and guam ernie was it

Is it Ernie and Gwong?

Yeah, uh-huh.

Or it's the ration.

Yeah, the horse jackal.

Okay.

Then it went to horsey cat.

Then it was horsey cat.

Yeah, we don't have that game.

You can check online.

Okay, all right.

So you don't have that.

Do you have Smell the Glove?

I don't think that's a game.

I Smell Tuna.

That's the one.

I Smell Tuna?

Yeah.

It's an edutainment game.

I Smell Tuna?

It's a fishing game.

I Smell Tuna.

Yeah, I don't think we have that either.

Okay.

Deep Sea Fishing?

Don't think so.

So this was a sportsman's delight, deep-sea fishing.

Do you have the O.J. Simpson simulator?

Huh?

I think I have the HD.

Yeah.

Head-up display.

How do you head-up display?

Huh?

Ah, tell me.

I guess he ended up looking for a Negro assassin.

He has the head-up display, dude.

You know, the virtual reality.

Fucking Zima's nasty shit.

It was like rancid Sprite.

Like Sprite and rancid orange juice together, that was a Zima.

This one kid in high school was like, oh, yeah, if you get pulled over and you've been drinking Zima's, they can't.

Thank you for calling Adobe Walmart.

Maybe we can help you.

Yeah, hey, Horsey Cat.

What was that?

Horsey Cat.

What's that?

It's a game, Horsey Cat, or if you have Negro Assassin.

Okay, thank you.

I think she's, yeah.

She's too smart for that.

We're not the same one again.

All right, fat people, is that our thing?

Give me just a moment, please.

hey hey yeah milkman yes hi mom just mom just called and said to tell you happy thanksgiving

oh good awesome you said merry christmas too oh i guess i probably won't talk to her yeah you're

right okay that's funny yeah mom said mom mom said that i see what you did there you're my

hermana so you still share my mom with me you know you're still sharing mom with me so you're

The Air Mono, bro.

My mom said it.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Merry Christmas.

I don't share nothing.

Okay, motherfucker.

It's all yours then, all right?

I hope you're, like, fighting for it right now.

I got a full belly, dude.

Yeah, turkey, I had a hand.

I'll tell you that.

Yeah, turkey, I had a hand.

Blackened, dude, I'm way fat.

That's like an animal, but I'm about 30.

It's gonna make you feel like flying around the river eating a ham and a grapefruit.

Nah.

I got a voice message from Dwight.

Let's hear that.

Hey, you motherfucker.

Motherfucker, don't pick up the phone.

I'm Thanksgiving, motherfucker.

Motherfucker, and then one more motherfucker for good measure.

Motherfucker.

You say motherfucker a lot to me.

Hey, Dwight, you here?

Yeah, I said it once.

Hey, what's going on, you jokers?

I'm still, like, talking to some cats.

Oh, that's cool.

I don't know, should I ditch them?

Oh, hey.

Do you guys want to come hang out?

We're just, like, shooting the shit.

We're not broadcasting.

Well, I don't want too many people on, you know, so just a few.

Oh, are you still broadcasting?

Yeah, yeah.

Me and Milkman's over there playing the guitar.

Oh, am I welcome on?

I'm sure you're on now.

Okay.

Well, hello.

Well, let me let my poor friends know I'll talk to them later.

All right.

That's Matt.

Matt Hillock.

Matt!

What's up, buddy?

Oh, there he is.

Hang on.

I'll be right back.

My buddy.

Yeah, he's here.

Hey, all right.

Happy turkey, man.

Happy turkey.

Happy.

Dwight McClanahan's here also.

Also, dwightmcclanahanshow.com.

It's good to see him here.

No.

Dwightthejanitor.com.

Whatever.

The site, the podcast you don't update.

That one.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's where it's at.

That's what it is.

Okay.

All right.

Hey.

All right.

So you said.

Hey, Mr. Dwight.

Is that Dwight?

Dude, I will be out there.

Hey, Muckman.

Hey.

What's up, Muckman?

Happy Thanksgiving, Mr. McClanahan.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Gobble Gobble.

Yeah.

All right, man.

Good to hear you, brother.

All right.

Hey, let's see if these conferences were...

Which is this one here?

The second one you sent me?

Or the last one?

Is that Sex Addicts?

Are they on?

No.

Yeah, I don't know without looking at them.

Late Night Peace and Seren...

Oh, Overeaters.

Overeaters.

All right.

That's Overeaters.

First one's Sex Addicts.

There's been a whole lot of Sex Addicts tonight.

They're probably, yeah.

There's another Overeater starting up in about seven minutes if this one doesn't work.

Thank you for calling our telephone meeting.

You may enter the conference number, followed by the pound sign for the meeting at...

Otherwise, please hold to be placed into the conference.

There are currently 58 other participants in the conference.

Two months ago, she stopped eating.

I didn't get to see her today, so the next day I'm not watching this.

Please press...

Saturday.

One.

Please press one to mute.

You are now unmuted.

It's like somebody reminded me...

It sounded like a train.

That's my phone.

Anyhow, this is what it is.

I'm going to take a hotbed.

Please press 1 to mute.

You are now muted.

It's center, you know.

So, who shall pass?

God willing, I'll get good alcohol.

Please press 1 to mute.

You are now unmuted.

This is totally out.

33.

Is that over?

I'm sorry.

Please press 1.

You are now muted.

Then you can come back in by pressing star 1.

Okay.

She's hitting buttons.

Come back in, Linda, on star 1.

please press you are now unmuted yeah i've kind of been back tonight i want to bathe and take a

bath in gravy and it's going to be so good it's going to be supple for my skin oh my fucking god

that's gonna be good baby let's go from dinner it's gonna be fucking great

please don't interrupt this this is very important you get that turkey fat in your skin man

I'm gonna call I'm gonna call the coordinator who will call the

it's a holiday you stupid woman don't it's a holiday you're not gonna call anyone don't

interrupt the fucking thing that's all right now he's available 24 7 trust me and he don't play

no whatever you're a liar and you're a coward you are now muted lots of therapy because it

sounds like it's really needed lots of therapy yeah therapy is for squares oh you do you love

doing your therapy oh yeah takes all kinds yes please press one two you are now unmuted

that train reminds me of the time that i ran a train because i was out of food

area and so i sucked dick for protein oh my god protein reminded me

how old are you five my 10 year old is more mature until he wow

hey how you ladies doing tonight all right you got a guy you got a fucking dick your chubby

yeah what's up how you doing do you just want to hang around here with a bunch of fat

fucking shine broads are you 12 sit here and talk shit to people 12 stepper over there right

and you are a loser oh my god you almost you almost said phone loser

god damn you know what i can't believe i asked him to need to make crank phone calls like that

when i was 10 that's really sad now you just try to get off the weirdo effeminate

at fucking coons on the internet like talking on the internet

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

to accept the things

the things I cannot change

the colors that change

the things I can't

he can't

live without me

and that is the only thing

that gives me anything

the only

I offer myself to be

to build with you

and to do with me

as I will

believe me

that I may better do thy will

take away my difficulties

that face me over them

and to those I would know

thy power and thy love

and thy way of life

may I do thy will

always

my creator

I am now one

that you see how I was made

just as bad

And I decided to now remove from me every single defective character which stands in the way of my usefulness.

To you and my fellows, God bless you all.

Thank you.

God bless you all.

May God give you peace.

Okay, I did call the dashboard operator.

We should be able to get this disrupted call off the line.

You don't do anything, you stupid woman.

You're a stupid fucking cow.

You won't do anything.

Seven traditions state that LA is self-reporting.

Please press 1 to mute.

You are now unmuted.

Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.

I'm sorry, you guys, for our meeting being disrupted.

I did call the dashboard operator.

What is all this dashboard operator shit?

They called the moderator on us.

Yes, I think that's right.

Please press 1 to mute.

You are now unmuted.

Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.

The dashboard operator can take their numbers.

You're shoving them up her ass.

Welcome to the FCC.

Lisa, Lisa.

Yeah.

Lisa, are you there?

Yes, and we're off to keep that conversation going.

Okay, hang on, guys.

Are these all messages?

All I'm doing is unmuting the line.

I will get on the moderator code and mute, and you keep on repeating, okay?

Hey, wait, lady, lady.

No, that's not going to work.

Call me up.

I'm waiting to get that.

What's going on?

I'm here for you.

I'm getting one, but I don't have it yet.

Why are you so upset, lady?

Okay.

Please press 1.

You are now unmuted.

Give me his number.

Hey, lady.

Lady, we're sorry.

We'll stop.

Lady, lady, why are you so mad?

I just came in here trying to talk, and I just thought I was going to talk to you, talking

about moderating.

Hello?

We've got your number, and we're going to prosecute you, so you better stop it.

I'm going to have several minutes to interfere with everyone on the line.

I'm sorry, do you got your mouth stuck in your fucking lady friend's bedroll?

I can't quite understand it.

Please press 1 to mute.

You are now unmuted.

Any comments to this question?

Shut up, shut up, shut up.

I want to say the prayer, say it silently to yourself, but let's just don't argue.

So, Matt, what happens is, see, they keep muting us after a few seconds, but I keep unmuting us, because the moderator can lock it all down, but they're not in there right now.

Yeah, okay.

So you unmute us, and we just say, like, fuck you, you piece of shit.

Like, please, dude, start hyping Brother Carlos.

Call him a false prophet.

It's supposed to be quiet prayer, please.

Go to goddemon.com.

W-W-W goddemon.com.

Please press.

You are now unmuted.

I have rejected your prayers.

I have been rejected.

W-W-W goddemon.com.

Get ready to say it quicker.

Please press.

You are now unmuted.

W-W-W goddemon.com.

Yeah.

Fuck yeah.

Anyway, we shut him down.

There's another one out there starting, I think.

All right, yeah, we'll do that one.

and it gets a little crazy yeah so what happens is at first they get all shocked you know and then

i i bounce this back and forth but then at some point this someone starts hitting an option there

to mute everybody right okay but you can just take yourself off of me after they do that yeah

you kind of have to listen for them to hear you kind of hear them hitting keys you're like okay

yeah usually pretty quickly when it gets to that point they're doing it

oh this is uh this is sex addicts okay sex addicts

i don't i still don't know why y'all fuck with fucking our people and you don't just call like

dummies their fun businesses and just squares like what do you mean our people hello like

like i think of us as weirdos we make prank calls and shit like we're sex addict type people like

Like, why not just call business people and regular people?

Like, that's who I, like, fuck with.

Not, like, I don't like calling whores.

If you are not the host, please press the star key.

We will now connect you to your call.

Please say your name.

Like, when I call Brother Carlos, I can just say I'm a demon and it connects.

Dude, Carlito, you got mad numbers on your show.

So, it's still like, it's still fucking 128 over this fucking Dwight now.

Between the morning talking.

I don't know, but it's fucking like, jeez.

Six Addicts is broken there, Mr. Dwight.

Sorry.

Well, we had fun.

We shut down one.

We can check and let's see if...

There's a backup number hanging on here.

All right.

Right.

Right there.

nashby says that an airport is federal jurisdiction and airports are federal jurisdiction all airports

are federal jurisdiction so marijuana is still illegal at a federal level yeah okay so nashby

thinks it's a federal thing if you try to travel across from one recreational state to another

even if they're dude you just you just be white and be dodgy and you're fine that's where that

Is that all it takes?

Yeah.

All right, you got me a backup number, Dwight?

This is for...

It's right there in the main chat.

I'm just letting you know.

Please input your access code followed by the pound key.

Just let me know what?

The unmute for this one is four star.

At the tone, please record your name for announcement to the call organizer

and then press the pound key to enter your conference.

Damn it.

You will now enter the conference.

friends supposedly it started about 40 minutes ago well that one's dead i didn't see any more

overeaters starting up i don't believe it let me go check i'll double check we'll try that old one

again see what's up with that yeah you know what i did find were the overeaters anonymous oh you

were with me about the uh online chat the online meetings in the chat room yeah that was pretty

quick thank you for calling our telephone meeting there are currently 50 other participants in the

the conference you want and ask that person how he or she moderator excuse me for interrupting

meeting meeting an opportunity to identify our common problem please press one to mute you are

now unmuted the 12 steps and share i'm on my dicks just too hard um excuse me but is there

In addition to face-to-face meetings,

we offer telephone and online meetings.

Telephone.

Please press one to mute.

You are now unmuted.

Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.

Please press one to mute.

You are now unmuted.

Internal orgasms.

She's all breaking up now.

Please press one to mute.

You are now unmuted.

Okay, she seems to be having trouble with her phone line.

Does anyone else want to take over?

This is Dixie.

Has Carlos come in?

Yeah, I'm here.

No, he's not.

Our text reader has...

Please press 1 to mute or unmute yourself.

You are not unmuted.

Lisa.

Hi, this is Carlos.

Thank you.

I called Carlos for you.

I'm right here.

Thank you.

Okay, Lisa, Carlos is there.

I'm here.

No, that's not Carlos.

Yes, I am, Carlos.

Oh, you're not?

Yes, I am.

Oh, you're not?

Yes, I am, motherfucker.

Okay, we know you're not.

You have been kicked from this conference.

I confirmed you are not Carlos.

The audience might not know, doesn't know, actually.

But the contact name for the moderator for that call was Carlos.

We saw that info.

Funny. I think Carlos is there.

Have we tried any Toys R Us's tonight?

They closed, according to the internet.

What? Those fuckers have been open years past.

I know, but they decided... I know the horse thing, but they closed at 11.12.

Oh, I have a toy idea I wanted to ask them if they hadn't stuck.

The last of them have closed already.

Even on West Coast?

Yeah, they just closed on West Coast.

Michael's are open. Michael's, the craft store, I guess that is.

They're open for another hour on the West Coast.

Let's see if I can find any of those family-friendly motherfuckers.

Are there really? What the fuck? I don't know about that.

Let's see. Side of town. There we go.

Area. Here it goes.

Calling Michael's. What creativity happened?

Please listen to the following options.

Michael, can I direct your call?

Hi, dummy. How are you?

This is Norma.

Oh, hey, Norma.

It's called Michael's.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's right. I'm calling.

Yeah, I wanted to see if you have this over there.

Hold on one moment, please.

Okay.

What are you doing, dumb fuck?

Hey, dumb fuck.

Big Fat Norma.

Hi, how can I help you?

Hey, yeah, I was just talking to Big Fat Norma.

She said she's going to transfer me for someone to check, see if you guys had this in stock.

Yeah, what do you got?

I need a horsey cat.

A horsey cat?

Yeah.

Okay, one second.

You're a horsey cat.

Yeah, I just tumped over.

I'm starting to have a sudden message.

I'm freaking out, the whole thing.

I fall over.

What'd you do?

You fell down?

Yeah, I do that.

Really?

Don't do that.

No, don't fall.

Well, like when you have a lesion in your brain.

Did you fall over?

Oh, I'm sorry.

We got to cut the show off then.

All right, guys.

No, you don't.

But when you do fall, you got to make it funny at least.

I do.

And then I get like a...

You should carry a slide whistle around with you so when you fall, you...

you got a point man yeah you should just jerk it off a little bit while you're down there

michael how can i help you hey honey baby hi hi i was trying to see if you had an item in stock

okay let me put you on hold and get an employee to help you hold on what do you do there

what was that what do you do there you just answer the phone yeah i'm just the cashier so i'm going

to find why did you come back like that why did you come back like that like confrontational like

Oh, sorry.

I thought I cut you off.

Don't be fucking rude.

No.

Hey, sweetheart.

How you doing?

My name is Matt fucking Miller.

Dude, Artie, he tried to, like, make that show so good.

I remember once, four in the morning, and he's still fucking calling.

I'm at Walmart, Tommy.

I direct your call.

Hello.

How you doing?

Yeah, how you doing?

I need to speak to electronics, please.

Well, we'll give it a try.

It's a silent hold.

All right, we'll make it happen there, sweet tits.

Silent hold.

You remember, four in the morning, and did he put, okay, did he put, had he put ads in Craigslist for, yes, it was ads in Craigslist for people to call, for a call.

And he was sending people to a Papa John's.

You remember this?

Yeah.

People kept showing up at the Papa John's.

Remember how he got his AT&T bill to, like, negative thousand dollars every month?

like rob knows he's like when we went to the defcon and like uh he went to like the goddamn

social engineering course and did well i don't know i just remember at some point some there

was a dude on his cell phone and rob's like oh come on come come to the door go to the door

and they felt no they had to close down the freaking papa john's because people kept

yeah you're doing that i was calling to see you got a uh a toy in stock which toys yeah toys uh

It's some Legos.

I'm looking to see if you got the Build the Wall Lego set.

Give me a moment.

I mean, you're talking about the one in the Black Friday or the regular one?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's the Build the Wall Lego set, but I want to make sure it's the whole set, you know,

so they can build the wall.

It came with, like, 15 or 20 little Hispanic figures with it,

and along with, like, two or three little white figures with whips.

Right, yeah.

Let me go double-check it, sir.

All right, double-check.

See if you got it.

All right.

I don't think he was getting

their two jokes.

Because he's foreign.

Hey, drop the dead's phone number in here so we can call him.

Hey, do you want to tell

the Nashville story?

Yeah, we could tell Nashville story.

What happened with Nashville, the hotel thing?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, the wedding

trip thing.

Yeah, he was on a wedding trip and we

called his last weekend.

He was down in Puerto Rico.

Yeah, we did.

Puerto Rico, whoa, black people, whoa.

Called the hotel he was staying at, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I said that, yeah, there's a chicken.

Like I always do the price,

there's a chicken loose in my hotel room in Puerto Rico,

and they sent someone to wake him up.

He was in the middle of porking his wife.

He interrupted it.

He was mid-stroke fucking his wife.

And the room service came up there

to get this fucking chicken out of his room.

hello sir hello yeah okay so yeah we don't i didn't see any legos you sell a lot of them

yeah pretty much we don't know i didn't see any what about the hot wheels the hot wheels

it has the track it's the uh the trump protester set the one where you can send the cars around

and then you put the protesters on the track and the cars hit them i don't know let me go

double check it just give me a moment okay double check that one maybe ask someone shout out to

eric days out there there's a zack's intel zack's intel we're currently in the dark stranger

uh we're in uh and tinychat.com slash spring called nation is dark stranger in there no i

just saw like that call like it like it's saying like she's like can't be i dragged her in but i

think when you guys gotta click on her whoever's hosting the call but it's late uh oh yeah

Yeah, and I guess Dedede told me he almost, or not Dedede, but Nashville, he said he almost answered the door naked.

He said he almost forgot to go grab a towel.

And so, like, he was being really rude to the people that came to the door.

So, like, his wife got really pissed off, so he got, like, no more pussy on the rest of the trip.

His wife got mad at him.

His wife got mad at him for being rude to the Puerto Rican.

Hey, are you Puerto Rican?

Whoa.

Are you Puerto Rican?

Oops.

Oh, that sends him over the edge.

A week reason to get out of that I dragged dead in here. You just have to click on it. Oh my god

How did my my YouTube went up to?

755 subs

YouTube.com slash six six six H I ll zero CK six six six even putting your shows in there

So yeah

that's helping out probably right dude you know those things taste like take like three days to

render it's so crazy really on the computer that you're using your video card it's all video card

man it's not i'm not doing it somebody else it's a website doing the shit man i ain't gonna fucking

i ain't gonna churn that shit up yeah right they get all the gifts i can give them a basic outline

live and they just do it that's pretty cool i like the the things that it picks for your back yeah

it does pretty good i just i'd like every now and again it shows some like a lot of things i

pickled villains and shows stupid loki from the thor movies and i'm like then it's fucking

faggot and wrecked for me and i'd throw away and you're not down with that like loki

it's well it's just too new and it's not like a traditional villain i don't think

yeah fair enough okay is milkman still there uh milkman yes he is he's muted holy shit i

ain't talking to milkman in a minute i heard him on the show earlier yeah i'm saying hi to you

before trying to add to that here after group call here we go what the fuck do you want

what do you want he's away i don't think he's in he's in i'm banging my wife is he in the dr right

Right now, I'm trying to remember.

I never know.

He's always somewhere.

He's probably back in Chicago for Christmas.

Are we saying Chicago?

Hit me up.

Uh, the dead, the dead.

Well, tell them to hit me up.

This is an album in these graphic designs.

Thanksgiving sucks.

I remember when you had to call his dad and, like, give him an update on where the hell he was at one time.

That was crazy.

All right, um, I'm starting to lose focus.

I need to get to some more of these 24-hour numbers here before we call it quits, though.

You tried calling Atlas' mom back at any time?

Which one?

Atlas' mom.

No, don't have the number to you.

Oh, I used to.

I think I just got rid of it not too long ago.

I used to have it saved.

Man, I messed up your park.

Parkman had confirmed numbers, like, in California and stuff.

Probably closed by now.

There were restaurants.

I think there were restaurants.

There were 24-hour lines in here.

Let me see.

Cracker Barrel.

Okay.

I don't think

is it a 24 hour

right now

cracker bros

some of them are

I just hate

they don't serve

beer though

try

try golden corrals

they were staying

open for Thanksgiving

really

but not this late

though

not this late

maybe

west coast

they might be

it's like

11pm on the west coast

they're closed

I'll check

I'll check on it

oh shit

east bay

I remember

I used to

always be into

the east bay catalog

because they had

the sneakers in it

I thought your Zappos was still open.

You just need your head, yeah?

When I was in high school, I was getting these bays, and I'd bring the newest ones.

Everyone was like, oh, yo, let me try that.

Like, the only sneaks I ever liked were these suede Pumas or old-school Adidas.

Hello?

I thought I was supposed to call. Thanks for calling.

Yeah, thanks.

Yay, Matt. Yay.

I'm sorry.

Hang on.

I can't tell when, dude, when you're not calling on Skype.

I can't.

I apologize.

Yeah, I want to get that East Bay magazine.

Oh, yeah, I can help you with that.

Have you ever had a catalog from us before?

Oh, yeah, a long time ago, back in 97, 96, 95.

All right, let's see.

Computer?

Yeah, I don't know what he was saying because you gave him no data.

Do you have your phone number?

866-302-9441.

And your first and last name?

Cross Rivera.

Rivera.

Because that was my parents' house a long time ago.

I don't even remember.

What did you say?

That was my parents' house a long time ago.

I don't even remember.

No, I'm talking about the one you want me to send it to.

Well, I mean, I don't know.

Like, I don't know where I'll be when you send it.

It is Thanksgiving mystery that nobody knows.

Yeah, I don't know where I'm going to be when it comes here, you know?

Like, when do you send it?

Approximately two weeks.

Yeah, I couldn't tell you.

Can you start sending it now?

Then I'll call you back maybe, let's say, on Wednesday, next Wednesday,

and give you a better idea of where I'll be?

You'll give us a call back when you know where you want us.

Wasn't that what I'm just saying?

I don't know, was it?

I said I'll have a better idea maybe, let's say, on Wednesday where I'm going to be.

So you can start sending it now, and then I'll call back on Wednesday

and say, oh, yeah, this is where I'm going to be, you know?

Yes, sir, you'll have to give us a call back on Wednesday.

Okay, and do what different?

And know where you want us to send it to.

Well, I'm telling you I'll have a better idea, you know?

I look forward to hearing from you, sir.

Thanks for calling East Bay.

You have a nice night.

All right, bye.

Hey, maybe you could just send a catalog to everybody in the country, and then I'll get you.

Yeah, can you just send it over here in general, the general area?

You know, I don't have to advise you that this call is being, you know,

I can send this call to a trace so that we can trace your call.

Oh, that's great.

How do you do that, sir?

How do you do that?

Do you have a button?

Do you push to do that, or how does that happen?

Let me do it.

One moment.

it oh hang up oh this is good i think it's just a hold button and the coward doesn't know what to

do i remember one time this guy said he was gonna trace me whatever so yeah you just hold i'm like

okay and i held and he transferred the call to 911 i just straight up told him yeah look i was

calling a place and the guy said he's gonna transfer it he put me through to you it's like

i think you vaguely remember thank you for calling i just told you yeah straight up i called your

Your call will be answered as quickly as possible.

I didn't do anything.

Yeah.

They're not going to trace it back to me.

It's freaking from the hotel.

It's stupid.

It was a hotel, I think.

It's just, like, I don't understand the problem of just saying dumb things to people.

Like, motherfuckers, I'm triggered and I'm bothered.

I'm going to start to send this for a trace.

Whatever that's supposed to mean.

I have no idea.

i have no idea how these people think they do that i've worked in the phone company for like

many years hello hello my name is stacy how may i help you yeah hi i was calling because there

was someone over there he was supposed to talk to me about putting a trace in for me or a lost

package no just because i was calling in and he had an attitude problem he said he was going to

have a trace put on me so i'm waiting still okay well what can i try and help you with today well

Well, I mean, I'd rather not explain it all over again.

Can you check with the guy there?

He sounded kind of, like, ethnic a little bit.

See why he was putting a trace on me.

Well, unfortunately, I don't know who you had spoken to, so I have no way of doing that.

The ethnic guy, you know?

No, I don't know anybody by the ethnic guy.

Oh, shit.

Um, I think he sits next to gay guy.

Don't know who that person is either, sir.

Oh, okay. What department are you in?

New Calta Call Center.

Okay, well, I have a copy of the catalog here.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, and I needed to know more information about this one right here.

About an item?

Yeah, this one right here.

Okay, what's the product number?

Oh, I'm showing it to you right here.

Oh, I can't see it through the phone.

Well, let me turn my camera phone on.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, there.

I mean, I could turn the light on a little more.

Can you not see it?

No, I can't see anything through your camera phone.

Can you turn your light on?

Maybe then you'll see it.

No, I cannot.

Shit.

What do I do then?

You would have to give us the product number.

Okay, so is it down here, the product number?

What side is it on?

Depends on the side that the item's on.

Well, this one here, I mean, you tell me.

Okay, so it should be next to the item.

Okay, this one here.

This is 37.50.

That doesn't come on matching anything.

It has like an S and the lines going through it.

That wouldn't come on matching anything either.

Okay.

202-57010.

The Jordan Hydro 5?

Yeah, I want to take those and hit you right on top of the head with it real hard.

Well, that's very nice.

That won't happen, but thank you for letting me know.

No, you know, I will do it.

I will do it.

I want to.

It's just a thought.

I don't really care that you want to, sir.

It's just a thought.

Is there anything else I can help you with?

It's just a thought, though, you know?

Just like to...

I would go way back.

I would bring my hand way back like a motherfucker.

I'm sure you would try, sir.

Yeah.

Is there anything else I can help you with?

Yeah, but before that, I will clap the left and the right one together and say,

Say, hey, you want this?

I'll go, pow, like, clap them real hard.

I'll make them warm for you.

I'll clap them against each other real hard.

Then I'll take the right one and I'll go way back and go, pow, pow, pow, pow, like that.

Knock you right in the ground.

And then the left one, I'll open your mouth and I'll stuff it in your mouth.

After I wore it in the porta potty where all the piss and shit and the pee-pee and shit is all over the floor.

Can I give you a different number?

Hello, ma'am?

Whatever.

whatever like like see i could tell you were doing good so i'm using myself this call may

be monitored or recorded because i was laughing like crazy happy holidays from east bay mobile

my name is linda how may i help you big linda i've got product number 202-57005 hello sorry

one more time 202-57-005 hydro 5 size 499 what size yeah well i want to take the right one in

the size 13 what do you mean the right one well the right one is the one i need cool gray hyper

orange black and white the right one the right side one for the right foot you get a right and

a left side foot yeah but i just see the right foot we only sell pairs so i'll also get the

the left foot side yes okay then uh if i don't wear it then i can i can do whatever else i can

just put it away right yeah all right maybe i could just pick it up and go all the way back

with it with my hand and hit you right in the head with it don't you have something better to do

it's no well that's just a thought it's just thinking you know i don't want to do that but

it's a thought is there anything else well i mean would you prefer i do another one

instead another one another shoe okay yeah 202-57-120 you're trying to place an order

well 202-57-120 look it up hydro 5 in the white do you have that in a 12 in a white

first of all it's metallic silver and wolf gray it's not white white metallic silver exactly do

you have it in the 12 yes all right that's the right one i'll take that one i'll i'll throw that

at you i'll just throw it at you maybe i hit you maybe i don't you know i mean your chances are

50 50 i'm not that good of a throw you know can i throw these like a boomerang will they come back

no okay well you think maybe they hit you if i threw them they might back oh good good all right

how many of these can i get and throw at you are you going to place an order or i'm going to put

my supervisor on the line matt hillock he had an order matt go ahead yeah hey lady i'm calling out

them right shoes in the uh what the fuck what was the the gray you were calling it wolf gray

a speed okay guys i'm gonna release the call we have business going on no this is business

i'm like we got a lot of fucking one-armed guys for like

yeah i apologize that's fine i did fine and i just want to throw shoes now

the motherfucking children all right i was east bay yeah cracker brow restaurant i think i used

think i used to see their things back in the day like when you're talking about like sneaker

catalog yeah it was a secret paper catalog that came out and had yeah no no uh no airwalks not

your kind of stuff though no i did like i rocked i rocked the airwalks and vans when i was like

skater kid but then i like i got like hip-hop dude like you know shelto adidas and pumas

like that was my joy going to weird little stores find the old suede pumas and so like

i know i know some shoes cannot be completed as dialed please sorry i had an extra one there

i never like i did like jordan and the big furs and never got like into it

You're not white enough, man.

jordan's right now may help you cracker barrel thank god you're open uh we're not open actually

we're closed well come on motherfucker what are we gonna do come on motherfucker come on

why'd you answer the phone motherfucker uh because i was right next to it all right so

if you're not open now let me just know jews in there right so we can come in um no we're not

open period man i'm sorry we close at 10 p.m oh i got a dog named blondie if you know what i mean

no wink wink say no more say no more you know what we're talking about this is cracker barrel

I heard you guys are kind of down.

White National Socialism?

No.

No?

Oh, okay.

Well, I'm sorry.

It's a misunderstanding.

I'm sorry, officer.

Okay.

I smell tuna.

I got to go.

Bye.

Carly, does that number right now have somebody on Facebook Live at McDonald's working?

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

Hi, this is Leslie with Top of Lock.

What can I do for you?

Oh, hey, Leslie.

I'm calling because my wife locked me out of the house.

I need to get back in so I can smack that fucking bitch.

I'm sorry, sir.

Hold on one second.

Okay.

Let me place you on a pre-post.

Alright, you got a what?

A Facebooker?

Yeah, never mind, she ended it

She was working at McDonald's and she was on Facebook Live

I was trying to find some pearls for you

Black Friday oysters? Yeah

Big night for Black Friday

Okay, I'm going to go ahead and transfer you to my dispatcher, please hold on

Hurry up

Yeah, my wife locked me out of the house

I need to get back in there so I can smack her

What city are you located in?

Petaluma

I'm sorry?

Petaluma, California.

Okay, one second.

Hold on just one moment.

God damn it.

I don't know if they're a national company.

I thought they were in New York.

I don't know why I came up with Petaluma, California, but we're in Petaluma.

That's great.

That's a really cool guess right there.

I think they're a national network.

We're good.

Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

Did you do like a big white boy Thanksgiving today?

No, it was multicultural.

Ah, okay.

but it was fucking white people stuffing i hate that shit i well i like the one my like mom's

like it's just bread because i'm not down with celery or fucking vegetables

my mom the way you make it you use first of all she used ground beef in the

stuffing no stuffing's just bread and fucking butter and water white people stuffing is

put she put walnuts okay and you said l luma a luma petaluma petaluma you also look at brooklyn

the el and then the space luma yeah yeah that's what we brought to that area unfortunately what

about in brooklyn new york brooklyn yeah and what services are for well i'm locked out of the house

my wife locked me out of the house so i need your guy to come over kick the door in i'll beat the

shit out of her when i get inside yeah unfortunately we wouldn't be able to do that for you well i

Well, I got papers.

I got my papers and everything.

I own the house.

And that's fine.

And the cops will be able to get you in then?

No, they won't.

They won't.

They said I had to call you guys.

They said it was a non-emergency.

I called the non-emergency.

I called 911 first.

I said, sir, please stop calling.

It's a non-emergency.

Call the non-emergency line.

We'll have an officer arrest you.

So I called non-emergency, and they said they were going to have the shift captain call me.

And then the shift captain called me like an hour later, and he said, no, sir, you need to call a private.

Lock, Unlocking Locksmith, Unlocking Locksmith, he said, to call a private, that I had to call a private one.

Yeah.

Okay, what's the address, and I can see if you go out there.

It's, uh, 123 Fakay Street.

Tell the street name for me.

F-A-K-E, with an accent over the E.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

You go 123, and it's F-A-K-E Street.

Fakay, Fakay, F-A-K, and then, like, you know the French E, or the Puerto Rican E,

that has the little line

coming out the top?

Like an Enyay?

Is there a crossroads

nearby?

Yeah, Jelk Avenue

and 22nd.

I'm getting tired of this.

Listen, motherfucker,

you need to...

You need to help

that motherfucker.

All right?

Oh, you need to put

a man on the phone.

Yeah, and unfortunately

it doesn't look like

we go out there.

No, you need to go.

Right now.

Send a man over the phone

and kick down the door.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was stupid.

Hey, Carlito,

are you able to call Cambodia?

oh there we go whoa i could try well who's in cambodia right now

uh some i was looking for more pearls or actually looking for some

working in a cafe shop i've never been to one of those opening parties with you guys

it's interesting yeah they're fun i need the is there a country code there

I don't know, I think that's it.

It's 855, apparently.

Dude, if not, I could host for a while if you guys want.

Well, I'm getting tired.

I got internet.

Oh, you're crashing.

Yeah, I'm crashing.

Someone else should take over and keep the 24 hours going like we're used to back then.

Oh, I'm not doing all that, but I'm excited I get to pay all those.

Before shit got fucked up.

Yeah.

Let me try a plus four four in front of that.

I don't know if that's gonna work.

Your call cannot be completed.

Yeah, it's gotta be...

let me try cambodia country code here yeah it's 855 that's the country code yeah uh dialing

you have to do like 011 as a u.s exit code style first for international calls made from

US or Canada. It's true man. It's like you work at a fucking CO. I like it. Oh, get a job with AT&T.

Hello. Hey, how are you? Hello. Hi, how are you? Hi. Hi, how are you? Hi. Okay, good. Are you doing okay?

Are you fine? Okay. Okay, yeah, I'm looking for the woman. The woman, the woman making coffee.

Coffee? Coffee?

Oh, no, because my coffee, I'm paying to my friend.

I'm not asking him. I'm in something now.

What?

Let me talk to coffee. Let me talk to JJ.

Hello?

JJ?

Yeah.

Oh, I know.

Please.

Hello, friend.

Hi, JJ.

Where are you now?

Oh, I'm in the toilet.

Are you in the toilet?

In the toilet, toilet.

Shut up.

Hey, you know Pol Pot?

Pol Pot.

No, the song Holiday in Cambodia.

Pol Pot?

I don't know, sorry, I don't know.

Can I speak to JJ Pitch Pitch?

JJ Pitch Pitch?

I don't think that's a real name, you know?

I don't think that's a real name.

It's a holiday in Cambodia.

Don't forget to pack your wife.

It's a holiday.

You'll work harder with a gun to your back for a bowl of rice a day.

Hey, this is a good song.

An 80s song?

That was my last, like, very least punk rock song, the punk rock song.

Like, mumbling it out of my breath.

Like, whispering it.

I don't want to teach you here.

You'll work harder when you get your back for a good bowl of place.

Hey.

Let me do one or two more and we'll get out of here.

I feel, I can feel, I can feel you wanting to.

Have you been going for five hours or something, Doc?

Four or something.

Eh, just four.

Just about four.

after intro about four i'd like i think like i notice i think three is my fucking like around

three hours i get like this fucking stupid they start hating everybody i'm talking to

yeah i get like yeah if unless it's really popping off i'm like ah yeah you know what i mean like it

just gets like i could just need to fucking say we're just like no doesn't need to be

one more then do i any recommendations numbers that you know that are

mail bowl i don't think i've done everything let me let me drag some like garbage numbers in there

if you just want some like i can try phil the fucking did you get the cancer guy and shit if

i poke small that kills them tonight already here's kitchen aid artist hey milkman what up

buddy let's do it for me you gotta hide the marijuanas and pastel to ensure proper handling

I did that earlier today, too.

Like, I heard him on, and then I was like, nope.

What if Tim Milkman fell asleep on the air, and then he would admit that he fell asleep?

I know there's older recordings of me falling asleep on the air,

but not on your show on fucking...

Hey, here's... I'll wait to drag it until this son's pick up, and then this is...

Hi, this is Steve. How can I help you?

Yeah, I wanted to get that mixer.

What's the name of the mixer?

The, I don't know, it's a big mixer that was on the TV.

The mixer, it spins the machine.

It goes around, around, around.

Make the dough pizza.

Kitchen and art.

Kitchen and fartison.

You mean artesian kitchen?

Fartison.

Artesian?

Yeah.

Oh, you're talking about the artesian.

Fartisan.

Kitchen mixer.

Fartisan.

Fart.

Fartisan.

Kitchen aid fartisan mixer.

The guy was using it.

You mean artesian?

No, fartisan.

We have artesian?

No he farted in it

He farted in it

And he turned it on

He's like

Hey look at this

And he farted

He said

I'm silly

And he farted in it

And he turned it on

And it came up

And that's what

Makes it so erotic

Like hey

Here's Philip Gordon

I don't know

Who we'll pick up

But it's one of my

Go to's

You know

Thank you for calling

To enjoy

The cancer guy

The call may be recorded

Please stand in line

To continue

I don't think

That's him

Did you get

If you can't see it, my son's dying of cancer.

They're waiting for you in hell.

Hello?

This is Lydia, may I help you?

Hey, Lydia, I'm calling for the KitchenAid Artisan Mixer.

I'm sorry, I can barely hear you.

The KitchenAid's Fartisan Mixer?

Hello?

You're muffling the microphone that you're talking to.

She's got it in her butt.

You got the phone in your butt?

I mean, I can't hear you talking.

She

didn't hit the button she clanked on me today you didn't try fucking my man cancer go

thank you for calling to ensure i think you might pick up from like a weird number whatever you're

calling all right carlos carlos he's got the best tracks hello hey thank you for calling my name is

This is Angel, and I'll be helping you out this evening.

May I have your zip code to pull up the offer, please?

32808.

All right, thank you.

And this call may be recorded for quality purposes.

Are you okay?

Yeah, that's fine.

All right.

And what were you calling in about this evening?

The Kitchen Aids Fartisan Mixer.

All right.

It comes with the attachments, correct?

It does come with the, yeah, it does come with attachments.

Hold on.

The one with the Plumbus attachment?

Plumbus?

Yeah.

I've heard of that one. I'll take a look at it.

Are you like a convict, or are you like in a house or a call center?

Am I a convict or in a house or a call center?

Yeah, a lot of places work out of home.

A lot of places work in the prison, or a lot of places you take the calls in a center.

Yeah, I know. I'm not in prison.

No, I call places like, yeah, I'm in prison.

Yeah, I order a lot of stuff online. I've never called a prison.

Well, they set up call centers, and Pelican Bay has a call center, even.

I don't know where Pelican Bay is.

Is that a prison?

Yeah, it's in California.

Oh, really?

I live in San Diego.

I've never heard of it.

You've never heard of Pelican Bay?

I think it's Los Angeles, like the Los Angeles one, I think.

Yeah, I stay far away from Los Angeles.

And an Oswald State Correctional Facility?

Yeah, I don't know about that one, either.

It used to be Oswald State Penitentiary, and it became a correctional facility when it got bought by a, you know, it became a level four maximum security prison.

Yeah, not real informed about prisons.

Yeah, I know a few.

All right, now, were you calling in about our television offer or just the attachments?

Well, I mean, you know, the Plumbus attachment specifically, I need to use that.

plumbus uh again i've never heard of a plumbus attachment can you explain to me what it is

maybe we have it down in something else uh i mean it's plumbus you know yeah just uh it's

it's kind of purplish pink it's fleshy it has a long part and then like a donut part a donut part

now uh yeah i that sounds a little alien to me i it looks it looks very alien but you you kind of

you fuck it and you ejaculate whatever you're going to make in the mixer

so that everything is a part of you, you know?

Like, whatever you ejaculate in, it becomes a part of you.

Yeah, no, I think that's a totally different product altogether.

I don't think that's a KitchenAid.

No, it's there. The guy was showing it. The guy was showing it.

And where exactly did you see this on? An infomercial or was this on YouTube?

Well, I mean, it was the infomercial on YouTube.

it said it's a paid advertisement in the beginning it says the following is a paid

advertisement does not reflect the you know the views or policies of youtube or google

incorporated that's what it said real quick and then it went to yeah i'd be careful about what

you saw on youtube so were you calling the place in order this evening i i don't have a plumbus

How many frogs can I put in the blender?

How many frogs?

I guess it would depend on the size of the frog.

Big frogs.

I guess if I was French, I might have the answer for that one, unfortunately.

Fucking ignorant.

Yeah, I've never eaten frogs.

Maybe Louisiana.

Again, I'm from California, so we don't eat a lot of frogs.

Does it support Gravy 2.0?

Gravy 2.0?

Yeah.

Does it support Gravy 2.0?

I think we're up to Gravy 3.0.

That's becoming obsolete.

Yeah, but it's not a proof standard yet.

Not real big on information gravy technology.

I don't know.

From what I learned, it was still an RFC for Gravy 3.0.

Really?

Yeah, it's not completely.

I don't know.

gravy technology is moving

along at a fast pace

nowadays. Yeah, but it's just not the same.

There's something really classic about

a good analog 1.0

gravy, you know? Yeah, I would

check some of the chat rooms.

Is that Mac or PC?

No, neither. It's gravy, sir.

It has nothing to do with that.

You're really getting on my case, alright, asshole?

Motherfucker. Okay.

Is there anything else I could help you out with?

Yeah, go stand in the corner.

Go stand in a corner there and pull your pants and your panties down.

Oh, yeah, I'm not wearing any of those this evening.

Oh, you dirty boy, you.

All right, I'll see you later.

All right, I got to go.

It's laundry day.

I got to go take a shit.

I hear you.

All right, I got to go take a shit.

See you, man.

Bye.

All right.

Bye, legend.

Have a good evening.

Bye, legend.

See you.

Thank you.

All right, bye.

Legend, everybody.

Is he a fake legend?

He sounds like one.

I don't think he sounded anywhere like a legend.

I thought he sounded like a weird

like no

this is a creepy old man

this sounded like a surfer dude

I guess I'm pretty old and creepy

like he sounded a little

Asian but like I thought

like surfer dude

like everything's kind of cool

like I can even ride with him

no no no

legends

he sounded like he had like navy anchor

tattoos on his biceps

oh that is like

Like, that's kind of like, but that's also just dorky old man.

All right, I got to go.

I got to go, man.

That's it.

I got to go.

My contract is up.

We're calling it quits.

It's over.

All right, I want to say thanks.

Hey, give a shout out to all your patrons and tell everybody you love them.

I don't have any, but, oh, Matt's Patreon.

Yeah.

Oh, no, not mine.

That's sexist bullshit.

Yo, you don't have any?

Nope.

Well, hey, everybody, thanks for listening, right?

Yeah.

it's fucking thanksgiving i'm glad that like glad we share it all together like buddies just

joking around and having fun i dig it yeah thanks motherfuckers bye dwight thanks for being on

hey thanks for letting me know guys i love the cast okay now i'll change my password milkman

you're still here can you take us out of here please sir milkman all right well there you have

We have another actually unexpected episode here at the Crazy Ass Madhouse.

That's right.

We do this every once in a while for you.

It's like the most interactive show you can find right here on the Internet.

We drop the dime.

We just ask you to give us the time to bring a friend, or better yet, bring an enemy,

because they're still welcome right here in the Madhouse.

We couldn't do it without our fearless leader, General Lee, you know,

the Hermonito, Mr. Beacho himself, my brother, Hermonito.

Thank you so much, man.

We love you.

and happy Thanksgiving to you.

All right, good, Melvin.

I hope you get your toilet fixed.

Good luck with that tomorrow.

Thanks, man.

I appreciate it, dude.

I'm going to try.

It's kept me awake that night for so long, dude.

I'm going to have to call the emergency hotline here

for overeaters and unanimous.

All right, Melvin.

All right, we're out of here.

Bye, everybody.

Bye.

Calls (44, 1 h 49 min of 3 h 9 min)

Transcript

Comments 0