Black Friday For Fat People

Brian, I have been effing

your daughter and I hate you

as a boss. One sandwich machine.

Yeah. Okay, you told me not to

be ignorant and I wasn't being

ignorant, but I need to know how you

want your eggs cooked. He says you're talking

trash and saying he can't get a free sandwich, you can suck

his mother effing toe. I'm not playing no

fucking games, dude. I

fuck you, son of a bitch. Stop making

a stupid comment. You're out of your crazy

mind. You ain't getting no

goddamn dollars. I'll fuck you

all my life long. Give my

why don't you piss off you're listening to the madhouse radio prankcast

yeah is this a tickle order yeah what can i get for you uh let's see here um breakfast

still have breakfast yeah breakfast lunch and dinner all day every day all right don't be

ignorant no punk cream cake breakfast i'm sorry new pancake pump cake i'm sorry new pumpkin cream

pancake breakfast how would you like the eggs cooked how would you like them cooked with heat

okay you told me not to be ignorant and i wasn't being ignorant but i need to know how you want

your eggs cooked i know with heat how would you like them cooked scrambled over easy poached

basted yep still love that joke do you pumpkin cream pancake breakfast how would you like the

eggs cooked have a nice day no sunny side up i never heard of have a nice day style that's cool

she won't pick up this time sunny side up sunny side up hello we're calling penn station we're

just catering a box lunch seats this is megan how may i help you yeah i need one can i get

your first name uh cross all right what can i get you i need one ticket you need what sorry

one ticket one ticket of which one uh to the east coast no problem i wasn't asking anything crazy

He didn't need one ticket.

Really confused the shit out of her.

Thank you for calling Penn Station Home for catering and lunchboxes.

My name is Anthony Hammer.

I help you.

Yeah, I was just trying to order one, and I got disconnected by the lady.

Is she still there?

Uh, you want one?

Mm-hmm.

One of what?

The sandwich?

One ticket?

A ticket?

Yeah.

You have a ticket for a free sandwich?

Yeah.

Oh, you have a ticket for a free sandwich.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Well, I think, doesn't he just come in for that?

I don't know.

He has a ticket for a free sandwich.

Yeah, when you get here, you can use it.

Yeah, you tell that guy in the background, I don't care what he says, I'm coming in to use it.

I heard him back there saying that I couldn't use it.

He can suck my motherfucking toe.

Yeah, I heard him back there talking trash that I can't come and use it.

He says you're talking trash and saying he can't get a free sandwich, you can suck his mother-effing toe.

Okay, you can just come in and use it.

It's fine.

You can use it.

Yeah, I'll use it in your mouth is what I'm going to do.

Use it in my mouth.

I'm going to use your mouth like a dirty little whore, like a cump slut.

Oh, man.

man thanks for calling penn station home free catering box lunch needs no speaking how may

help you hey slut yeah i was calling because i needed one ticket i have one ticket rather

i wanted to use it okay so all right and your name sir cross hold on all right you know what

would you like one ticket one ticket you need to order a sandwich sir yeah well this is uh

for a ticket to the east coast that's not a real thing then okay what am i calling you're calling

I'm calling Penn Station, but it says a free coupon for a 6-inch sub.

Well, all I have is a ticket.

Well, then we can't help you.

You see what I mean?

Because I just talked to that guy there, the African-American kid,

and he said, yeah, to come on in, that he was going to have it all ready for me.

He said he was going to take out his tools and everything to make the sandwich go.

You need to order a sandwich, though.

Okay.

What sandwich would you like?

One sandwich machine.

Yeah.

You need to order a sandwich as in, like, a Philly cheesesteak, something like that.

Yeah, I don't need any upgrades.

I just need the sandwich.

Thank you for calling Penn Station.

I'm going to be catering a box of lunch meats.

Am I going to help you?

Yeah, you guys have the place in the front.

You have, like, the big cans of tomato ketchup, Heinz ketchup.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, I need to order one of those.

Yeah, they've got those decorations where we've got big cans of stuff.

We act like we put our stockroom stuff up front so you can see it.

That's how cool we are.

We're totally 90s fast casual.

I think that and goofy license plates on the wall on funny angles

explains what the restaurant decor du jour was during the late 90s.

Mid to late 90s.

Let me get my white devil on.

Let's see if I remember which one.

This one?

Yeah, there we go.

That's the white devil.

The white devil.

Flair.

Red Robin, we're Burger Lovers Unite.

How can we be of service to you?

To place a tagore.

French fries!

Directions and operations.

I thought it was a talking one.

Fries!

What?

Yes, hi.

This is Red Robin.

Yes.

I'd like to make an order, please.

Just one moment.

French fries.

You're holding the phone number?

French fries.

Okay.

And name, please.

French fries.

Cross.

Cross?

Cross.

All right.

And what are we going for?

French fries.

Hello?

Hi.

What are we going for?

You're coming in and out a lot.

I'm so sorry about that.

Is there someone that's done a cross line over there or something?

No, I don't think so.

I don't think so.

You know what?

Try it backwards.

Okay.

And I'll pick up the phone.

Okay.

All right.

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

All right.

Thanks.

And she'll pick up the phone.

Good.

That's a good plan, honey.

Thanks for calling Red Robin.

We're Burger Lovers Unite.

How can we be of service to you?

Thank you for calling Red Robin.

My name's Andres.

How can I help you?

Yeah, I was talking to a lady.

She said she's going to pick up the phone when I call back for an order.

Do you know who I was to go order?

Yes.

Okay.

Give me one second.

Okay.

Thank you for holding this, Jim.

How can I help you?

Hi, Big Jen. I think I was just talking to you. You said the call back.

Yeah. Can you hear me better now?

Yeah, yeah. There was a weird noise happening.

Yeah, there was. It was something random and someone using profanity and stuff.

I don't know if you heard that.

I just heard a high static, like a muffled static, like I could hear someone talking, but that was really weird.

Okay, it was just a cross line.

Yeah, it was weird. Okay, so what are we going for tonight?

night okay one red robin gourmet cheeseburger okay did you want some pink or no pink in the

burger uh a little bit a little bit pink yeah okay and what kind of cheese would you like uh

just a cheddar if you have that cheddar absolutely and everything on the cheeseburger okay uh mustard

mayo and that's it just mustard mayo right what size can you get uh it automatically comes with

the fries but you can do broccoli carrots salad coleslaw um for for 99 cents more we can do garlic

fries and then it might help again no you were saying that you could for 99 cents more you could

do garlic fries yeah you know what let me show and hold for one second i'm so sorry okay thanks

all right so i have two bruschettas a california chicken a barbecue chicken a chop house a guacamole

a royal, a bacon cheeseburger, a burning love, a mushroom burger, a barbecue burger,

a bonsai burger, and a cheeseburger with only mayo and mustard, correct?

Correct.

What's the total?

Your total will be $1.59.

It'll be ready in about 15 to 20 minutes.

All right.

Can we take off the bonsai burger, please?

You don't want the bonsai?

No, no.

Okay.

One moment.

And a new total.

Put in your number.

So now your total will be $1.39.50.

All right.

Can you put an employee discount using authorization code 219469?

Unfortunately, we're not authorized to put in a discount.

Well, I have the code, 219469.

We don't have codes at Red Robin.

Yeah, you do.

No, unfortunately, we do not.

Well, put it in the computer, honey, and it'll probably take.

Just type it in there.

Please hold.

Thank you for calling Red Robin.

This is Amanda.

How may I help you?

Hey, Big Amanda.

I need you to turn off.

Control, this is David.

How may I help you?

Yeah, hi, David.

I'm complaining about Amanda.

Okay.

Okay, Amanda just came over here by my desk, by my seat, my booth,

and she left a sexual phrase on a piece of paper and her phone number.

Amanda?

Yeah, like, I guess she was kind of attracted to me, maybe.

Okay, where you were sitting, I'm sorry, I have to ask you those questions.

Oh, I was, you know, not by the bar, but a little kind of on the other side of that wall where the bar is.

Okay.

Can you tell me what the notes say or something?

It said, I want to fuck you.

I want to fuck you so hard.

I want to do fucking all over the fucking place, it says on it.

And she said that she had taken it into the bathroom with her

and that she didn't wash her hands.

And then she slammed her hand really hard down on the table.

You can come back and let me see the notes.

Well, I'm here in the bathroom.

I'm in the bathroom now.

I'm scared to come out.

Because I, okay.

Can you come to the bathroom?

Are you a man, right?

Alright, you can come to the bathroom, because I came to the men's room, because I know she can't come in here, you know?

Okay, hold on a second.

Well, she's very horny, I think.

Thank you for calling Red Robin. This is Amanda. How may I help you?

Hi. Hi, Amanda.

Can I help you?

Yeah, hi. There's a guy who's just to be coming here to the bathroom, looking for me. Is he there?

I am not too sure.

Can you please come by where the men's room is, please?

Of course. Give me one second.

Alright, thank you.

Calling Red Robin.

David.

David, I'm waiting. What's going on?

I got to be honest with you.

Are you playing with me?

No, no.

Because I just went to the bathroom and there's nobody there.

Yeah, I'm in my car now.

You're in your what?

In my car.

Well, I went to the bathroom two seconds ago.

Amanda came to the bathroom and I had to run.

No, she's not.

Where is she now?

I went after I talked to you.

I was looking at her the whole time.

Oh, shit.

All right.

Okay.

I don't want to be rude, but I think this is the right thing to do at this time.

I'm sorry, but...

You don't think? But why? Why?

Well, because, A, I really, really, really never had an issue with them.

Okay.

And I'm not saying I'm wrong, but I want to see that note so I can call my corporate office.

Right. Okay. All right.

But what else do you think maybe why I shouldn't be doing this?

What else? Is there anything else?

Nothing else, buddy. Anything else I can do for you?

No, I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry. I just want to make sure.

All right, motherfucker.

motherfucker okay bye whatever call lowes man lowes lowes roulette lowes roulette yeah i see

a bunch of stores open here there's ross sally beauty supply say i don't have any ideas give me

ideas if you're out there and you're chatting i'm reading the chat i don't participate in that

i'm too good for that but i like to watch it you know lurk in there oh gas station let's see if

through india no phone number okay here's another one next door the sir click you know something i

haven't done in a long time is to get your shit out of here hello yeah hey yeah hi yeah so what

uh-huh you called us yeah i wanted to make an order yeah well this is circle k yeah your

convenience store with drinks and snacks and few i don't deliver no i don't need you to deliver

it's for pickup i'm gonna oh well it's what you have what regular 189 right now all right i'll

I'll order $20 on pump two.

Here they actually have the money in hand.

Well, I mean, I can pay over the phone or whatever.

No, you can't.

I can put a deposit down.

No, you can't.

I can pay half.

I can pay half right now.

Like, I'll pay you cash.

I love this confusing shit.

I can pay half right now on the phone.

I don't know if he thinks I can only pay for that.

Yeah, I can pay half on the phone right now.

Cash.

Cash money.

No, you can't.

Yes, I can.

I can pay you half right now.

No, you cannot.

No, I'm sorry, sir.

Look, I have cash.

No, sir, you can't pay cash on the phone.

He'll be telling that to people.

You know some guy said he wanted to pay up with a phone for gas?

And when I said he can't, I said, but it's cash?

Ooh, Lego Star!

Let's do Dwight's idea from last night about the Trump build, uh, the Trump wall Lego set.

Was that what it was?

All it would be was his fucking Lego, so you put it to a wall.

That's the easiest thing to make in Legoland.

A wall.

We're calling you, Lego, this is Louie, how may I help you?

Yeah, I'm calling to see if you still have that from the Black Friday sale.

Which one?

The build-a-wall on the southern border one.

Give me one second.

Let me put you on hold real quick.

It was the Trump wall set.

It's just a big wall that you put,

and it has some Mexican, darker-skinned Lego men

and some other ones that look like federal agents.

A Trump-related one?

Mm-hmm.

That one we don't have.

No, you do.

All the Lego stores had it.

It didn't limit their run, but you all had it.

I'm trying to see if you had any left.

You should have had one pallet of it.

it oh the trump lego wall the wall it's a wall it's a big wall for the border we don't have

it's the one that my friend mexico is going to pay for we don't have that shit we never got that

one that was the custom that must be a custom built all right do you have the one that makes

a square we don't have anything related with trump or the politics any type of lego set yeah

but what about the it's not politics it's one where the legos you put them together and it

It makes a full square.

A full square, like the mats?

I don't know.

It's just a square.

It's like a box.

We have the Lego mats that you can build onto and build anything you want with it.

Well, it makes a cube of Legos that is all the sides are the same length.

That's a custom-built.

Well, that's not how you make custom-built.

Like, you take the Legos, you put them together.

Yeah, someone built it.

Because, in fact, if you're looking for anything cube-wise like that stuff, we don't have anything like that.

You don't have anything that makes a cube?

Yeah, we just have just a generic brick for the back wall.

Do you have the one that's just like the two little spaces together?

You know what I mean?

Like a letter I, like a small.

It's just two things.

You know the one I'm talking about?

The basic brick one.

Do you have those loose in different colors?

Let me run in the back and see.

Do you know what I'm saying?

look it's it's one peg but it's one peg wide and two pegs tall the basic brick one man yeah i know

what you're talking about do you have those you're looking for pick a brick yeah do you have those

there we have pick a brick yeah yeah so like what if you take one of those right okay and you put

another one on top and then another one on top and another one on top and another one and another

one and another one right yeah and at the very top then you're gonna put another one up but

going the other way like an l and then the same thing with the other one and then you just keep

building them out from there like you build five build well i'm just saying how i like to you know

yeah because we have we have a different variety of colors different size shapes

yeah we have the one by twos two by four six by eight yeah i just we have those so you can build

your own thing yeah the one by two you put two of those together and then you take a two by four

and put it under yeah we have a brick like that yeah yeah we sell them by the cup yeah i like to

do that though you put one there down you know and then you put another one right here going up

the other way okay and you have like a roof one right like a flat green one you can use as the

roof roof style and you said green yeah i don't think green okay let me uh green green green

green like a roof style have long uh plates that are green and then i have like a full

one that looks like roofs in different colors like in yellow i have it in orange do you have

the isis tower where they throw the gaze off of no i'm gonna hang up now okay anything else you

need help with today uh do you have the one with the inputs and the outputs i read that

from Noonoo in the chat. I lost my

shit already once.

Gaze off of.

ISIS tower

where they throw their gaze off of.

The current events edition.

The Trump wall and the ISIS tower

that they throw their gaze off of.

What a gassy is.

A gassy store. Retail chain

stuck in the friendly apparel. Trendy

apparel. Accessories and footwear

geared towards young women.

Mmm. Mmm.

Let me just call him and go mmm.

Hi, you're a retail chain stocking trendy apparel, accessories, and footwear geared toward young women?

Mm-mm.

Oh, yes.

Can you help with anything in particular?

Mm, no.

Just, I like that you sell those things for young women.

Mm.

Oh, my God.

There was some fun last night calling Victoria's Secret, but shit.

Thank you for calling Sears.

Say the name of the department you want, or you can say department list.

Horses.

one moment while i transfer your call oh best buy mobile ah fuck you grand store grand by ass

for calling the best buy specialty store today we are open from 6 a.m until 9 30 p.m thank you

tomorrow we are open from 10 a.m until 9 30 p.m my mobile yeah i need to get one i need to get

them tvs hello yeah i need to get them screen tvs hello hello yeah if this is best buy mobile your

Your phone sure sucks.

For being Best Buy Mobile, your phone sure sucks.

I hear an echo of myself.

What?

What is this?

This is Cross.

Cross.

Hold a second, please.

Stupid.

Fuck that.

God damn.

Seriously, Best Buy Mobile, get your shit together.

If you're making your first impression that when someone's calling interested about a cell phone,

you're going to be headed down the way that a lot of the stores that used to occupy the spaces you have down the mall are,

which is Radio Shack.

Thank you for calling Victoria's Secret Eggs.

Our store will be open on Thursday night from 6 to 1 a.m.

And on Friday from 6 to...

Victoria's Secret Eggs.

Hello?

Hi.

Hi, yeah, I'm calling to see if you have the panties there.

The 5 for 27?

Well, yeah, there's a special one, the one that says, I smell tuna.

Yeah, I was asking about that last night.

And the horsey cat, that's right.

I was asking for the horsey cat last night.

Forgot about that, motherfucker.

Bass Pro Shop would be interesting.

Bath and Body Works.

Let's call that and ask for toilets.

Bath and body works.

I think I got the wrong number.

Oh, I'm calling Marshalls.

Uh-oh.

Happy holidays.

Thank you for calling Marshalls and HomeGoods.

Dude.

Calling Marshalls and HomeGoods.

What did he tell me?

For store hours, press 1.

4.

One moment, please.

Marshalls and HomeGoods, this is Pam.

How can I help you?

Yeah, I needed to see if you had something in.

What department?

I guess, I mean, you have the HomeGoods here also, right?

HomeGoods, yes.

Housewares?

How long do you think it'll be?

Can I just ask you?

I'm going to page them and ask them to pick up the line.

Are you busy?

Not really.

Oh, yeah, put them through.

Yeah, because your business is bad.

Okay, hold on.

Because your business is bad made her upset?

Stupid.

Ooh, Rainforest Cafe.

Happy holidays.

Thank you for calling Marshalls and HomeGoods.

Whatever.

All I said to her was that your business is bad.

That's all I said.

Macy's, eh.

So who do you guys think is going to be out of business

come this holiday season being over?

I think it's Sears, finally.

Sears Kmart.

Sears slash Kmart.

Macy's is in some trouble.

Who else is in some trouble?

The Gap is in some trouble.

I think The Gap will keep going.

Abercrombie and Fitch, everyone's always saying they're going to go.

Or Aeropostale, that's the one.

That's another one.

I think A&F is doing okay.

Dude, dude, could still call and do some lows.

That would always be fun.

But here's what I meant to call before, Bed Bath & Beyond, BBB.

Thank you for calling Bed Bath & Beyond and Bye Bye Baby and Me.

This is Sherita. How may I direct your call?

Yeah, this BBB?

Yes.

Okay, I wanted to see if you had something in.

What's the item so I could connect you to the right department?

I need a toilet for a 1985 row home.

A toilet seat?

No, the toilet machine.

The machine for the toilet.

Machine for a toilet?

The toilet machine, yeah.

For a 1985 row home?

We don't have that.

We have toilet seats and...

You have the machine, though, right, that goes with the toilet?

What do the machine do?

I mean...

It goes like...

It goes...

No, I think that would be at Menards.

Bitch.

I'm sure you guys have it there.

I've seen it there many times and where the toilet machines are.

Okay, hold on.

I'll connect you.

Well, hurry up.

This better not take a long time.

I don't need attitude either, you know?

Bitch.

Toilet machine.

Hello, Tim.

We're calling Ferris.

Hello, I'm speaking.

Hey, boy.

How you doing?

Hello, I'm good.

I thought this was a women's store.

I'm sorry, what?

Is this not a store for women?

We have men and women here.

Yes, sir.

Thank you for calling Bed Bath & Beyond.

This is Nick in Housewares.

Yeah, I'm calling for the toilet machine.

The toilet machine.

For the what?

The toilet machine.

That's SoftSides.

I think they called the wrong department.

Let me page you through to a SoftSides associate.

Okay, thank you.

Thanks.

Hurry up.

Forever 21, you there still?

I'm sorry.

There are people talking.

Oh, I'm just multitasking a little bit.

I took care of it.

So what's going on?

This is a women's clothing store.

right men's and women's clothing we have men's women and then we have little girls as well oh

little girls okay yeah so we also have plus as well if you're oh you don't have any fat women

there you don't have any fat women working there right now do you why do you even care well because

i mean i can't be associated with women for the you know unless i usually don't associate with

women but if they're fat especially it's a big no-no um okay if you're gonna be talking like

I'm just going to hang up.

All right?

Well, come on, man.

Let's call a spade a spade.

You know what?

I'm just going to hang up on you because you're being disrespectful.

Yeah, Forever 21, my ass.

Hi, this is the Soft Side Department.

How can I help you?

Hey, Soft Boy, how you doing?

Hello?

Hello.

Soft Side.

I'm calling for the toilet machine.

Toilet machine.

Can you be more specific?

It goes.

It goes with the toilet.

Give me just a second, and I will find it for you.

Oh, well, do you even know what I'm talking about?

You seem confused.

Well, I'm actually...

give me just a second people are trying to uh page me okay hi thank you for calling forward

help me help you yeah plus size this is the fat girl store sure okay yeah uh how big of a girl

are you sure sure yeah hey big girl how you doing don't go don't go i'm sorry don't be like that

hello hello hello hello that's everybody they both picked up and heard that oh thank you for

calling just fine this is colleen how can i help you yeah is this the fat girl store this is dress

That's fine.

Yeah, but you have fat girl clothes there also, right?

One moment.

Okay.

Thanks for holding.

This is Kat.

How can I help you?

Hi, Big Kat.

I'm calling because I need to see if you guys have fat girl sizes there.

You mean curvy sizes?

Well, for the big fat girls, the fat girl clothes.

Well, we don't use that term.

We do have for the curvy side, yes.

Yeah, but let's call it what it is.

It is what it is.

I'm not talking curvy.

I mean like a fat girl, you know?

Okay.

What size does it go up to?

24.

Wow.

Wow, really?

Really?

Okay, where are you around that scale?

Like, you're around an 18?

Who?

You?

No.

More?

Hotter or colder?

Warm?

You want me to answer that over the phone?

Hey, are you a big girl?

Come to the store, and I'll talk to you face-to-face.

How about that?

Oh, what was your name?

Look, if you're a big girl, I don't want to go down there.

I don't want to hurt your feelings.

Oh.

Big cat.

Thanks for calling.

This is Jess, fine.

Yeah, hi.

Is Kat there?

Oh, yeah.

And he asked if we had fat girl clothes.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, this is Victoria's Secret, that same thing.

It's been a while since I called them, a few minutes now.

This is the girl I asked if they had the tuna one.

Calling Victoria's Secret, this is Jaylene, how can I help you?

Hi, Jaylene.

Hi.

Do you have, uh, hi, how you doing?

Hi, I'm good, thank you.

Oh, good.

Do you have, uh, fat girl sizes?

Uh, do you mean what kind of sizes?

Like for fat girls?

So what kind of size, though?

Is it, like, large and up, or?

No, like real big fat girls.

Fat ugly girls.

Oh, I have.

Fat white girls.

I have to ask.

Okay.

Thank you.

She's gonna ask. She must not be fat.

She says that term.

Do they have fat girls on?

Oh my god, I don't know.

Oh my god.

Aww.

Slam.

Alright, we can leave this mall.

There's plenty of stores, but nothing that I really know what to ask.

I'm gonna keep doing this fat girl stuff.

Oh boy.

I actually probably won't be out much longer.

It's just a little bit, a little bit.

Never called that Lowe's, you know.

I'm gonna call Ross, but they're not gonna care about my ignorance.

I'll do a different town.

Let's see.

This is Jasmine. How may I help you?

Hi, do you have fat girl sizes there?

Do we have what?

Fat girl sizes.

So, like, plus?

No, for fat girls, you know?

Yeah, we have a plus section.

Okay, how fat size do they go up to?

Give me one second, please.

Okay.

Pretty sure this is the same one I called earlier with the guy.

The guy, the guy.

Thank you for calling Forever 21.

This is Laura speaking. How may I help you?

Yeah, hi, do you have fat girl sizes?

I'm sorry, what was that?

Do you have fat girl sizes?

We do have a plus section, yes.

But I mean like fat girls, you know?

No, I don't know what you mean.

Is there someone else there that might know?

No, unfortunately, I don't think so.

Why? You haven't even...

Forever 21, this is Doug speaking. How can I help you?

Yeah, Doug, do you have fat girl sizes there?

Oh, yeah, we got plenty.

Yeah, did you want to come down and check them out?

Well, I mean, can I try them on?

I mean, yeah, why not?

I mean, you can try them on close here.

Okay, nice. All right.

Yeah, come on.

Can you come and I'll pet you like my little chicken?

Yeah, you could do that, too.

You'd be my little chicken?

Yeah.

I'll pet you really hard?

Yeah.

Hit you really hard on top of the head?

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay, gotta go.

Hey, I'm sorry that I called you.

It was an accident.

I called you.

It was an accident.

I called you.

All right, cool.

Now I remember.

Wasn't I telling...

Where was I calling last night?

I was saying, look up a SKU number.

I said, I'm going to hit you in the face with this.

That was with sandals.

Let's store this.

Let me look at my history.

The chat room, if you remember, last night.

i vaguely remember calling some store what the fuck was it there were east bay the east bay

company that's what it was it's gonna hit the sandal that was mean man i hate you to have a

fucking sandal should have called the footlocker saying that let's see see if there's one in this

mall that i'm looking at now new york and company i know that i don't think they have

big girl clothes 8 p.m guys 8 p.m almost out of time get ready for the end the big finale the

the big ending thanks to all 115 people listening right now honk honk new york company how am i

happy today yeah new york company hello how am i hello yeah yeah you're a resource for uh

offering contemporary dresses suits and separates for women plus fashions and accessories okay uh

do you have fat girl clothes do you repeat that do you have fat girl clothes uh no we unfortunately

do not carry plus size uh what about for fat girls though uh nope is there anything else

can help you with well how high you go um we go up to like a size i think 20 but usually we carry

around up to like size 18 that's pretty uh that's pretty fat they some of those girls could lose a

little bit of weight you know that are coming in here yeah i mean maybe someone how fat are you

like what's your size you're like a 16 it sounds like you also want seconds sir okay

sister look in the mirror and who said she fucking doesn't know what fat is she's looking in the

i'll do that next time thank you for calling your company hi i was calling because i see that you

don't have any fat girl clothing there we do actually carry up to size 18 wow that's pretty

fat some stores it's up to 20 yeah but some of those girls could probably stand to lose a little

bit you know for coming in here is there something specific you're looking for well yeah is that some

kind of charity work you guys do to you know we donate to saint june yeah but you also you know

sell to some minor leaf obese fat girls you know just like as a measure of anything is there

anything else that you need when you sell a size 18 or 16 or even a 14 do you do it begrudgingly

at the counter i'm not understanding what you're saying well like you could tell them hey you know

if you went down to maybe a 12 or a 10 we have some great other selections that'd be even better

we don't do that here that's very disrespectful and that's very rude well i mean if you're not

going to support fat clothing as it is you might as well you know go all the way because we need

to we need to put a stop to this because they're bankrupting our economy obamacare look at it it's

because of fat people fat girls big fat women give them shitting out big fat babies did you

know the rate of cardiovascular disease is very high among african-americans so is diabetes and

fat fat wow african-american women give birth to fat children and that's a drain so we should

really help them out you know man okay are you all set ma'am what size is she size are you well

i don't wear women's clothing i couldn't tell you you wouldn't i wouldn't be able to translate it

like i could be something to be totally different than what you are because you're women clothing

beep bop boop say that again you did first i got distracted no that i mean you asked me how big am

am i right no what size i think i asked did you wear that yes you're what size i am as you said

what size are you yeah what size are you well i mean i can't tell you because you wouldn't really

understand because you're a woman why would you but why would you ask me what someone else weighs

if you can't say what you weigh well because i'm i'm i know women's sizes i know how they work okay

but you're a woman there's no possible way you'd understand how you know what i what my answer

would be oh okay because women have different size than men you know like you go you know 10 11 12 we

go 28 30 32 34 sometimes 33 you know 36 uh-huh no not no i'm not getting into the counting game

with you but you see how it's different you know yeah yeah we scale different you know so that's

That's why I can't answer the question.

I mean, it'd be a waste of time and effort.

Yep.

You wouldn't really understand.

But, well, seriously, what size are you?

Probably the exact same size you are.

Hmm.

So you're saying you're a 36 women's?

Probably.

Wow.

I'm probably exactly the same size you are.

Oh, you're a pretty big girl then, huh?

Yeah, I guess so.

Oh, wow.

How'd you get the job there?

I thought they screened you guys out.

I guess the same way you would get the job here.

Well, I wouldn't apply for work there.

Why not?

Because it's a women's clothing.

Anybody can work here.

It's women's clothing.

That's silly.

It doesn't mean anything.

That's silly.

It's equal opportunity.

But that's silly.

It just sets up a bad...

Is there anything else that I can help you with?

It's a bad first impression.

You know, you walk in and you're a big cow there.

For store hours, please press 1.

To speak to the next available associate, please stay on the line.

This is Kelsey.

Hey, big Kelsey.

How are you doing?

Good.

How are you?

Oh, good.

Do you have fat people clothing?

Yeah.

How many?

Wait, what was that?

Do you have fat people clothing one more time five people fat people fat? Oh, no, no

Okay, how big I mean how big a girl are you or how big do they go the clothing?

Um, we call we carry large in and in store. We can order XL online

But for pants and stuff, we usually go up to are looking for jeans there. Yeah. Yeah

Okay, jeans usually go up to 12 and waist. Yeah good cuz you have any fat people there

huh like no fat people go in there no because i i don't want them to eat my sandwich so i'm

looking for a place can you tell that baby to shut the fuck up jesus christ can you tell that

baby to shut the fuck up maybe turn the radio down so it's not so loud help with anything else

well the baby's crying because the music's too loud can you turn it down no i have no control

over that well who does i i don't know all right well ask around i'll be right here hello yes can

Can I help you?

Yeah, I was waiting a hold on the other line.

Can you maybe have someone hurry up and help me out?

Yes, can I help you?

Yeah, I was calling to make sure that you don't have fat people clothing there.

Excuse me?

I was calling to make sure that you don't have fat people clothing there.

Fat people clothing?

Mm-hmm.

If we have it or if we don't have it?

That you don't have it.

I wanted to make sure that fat people clothing isn't sold here.

I mean, we have, I'm not entirely sure what you're asking.

we have clothing that's uh sold up to certain sizes yeah but that aren't for fat people right

like too fat not i mean it depends on what you call fat well give me some sizes okay what are

you looking for men's clothes or women's clothing well for example like uh how tall are you like

five nine five two five two and how big a girl are you i'm sorry how big a girl are you i weigh

weigh about 130 pounds oh yeah you could be able to lose a little bit that's like really

inappropriate well i'm just saying so i mean would you be able to find something away here

probably not right i yes i wear all of the clothes here sir also you do have fat people clothing

there is this a serious are you asking these serious questions yeah i'm trying to get a

gauge of what kind of clothing here because if you're 5'2 and 130 is it yeah you can lose you

know you lose a good 20 you know okay so this is so this is what i'm going to tell you you

You could come in and shop if you'd like to, but I'm extremely busy.

We're extremely busy here, and I don't think that these are appropriate questions that you can be asking me.

Okay, well, you should go on a diet.

I don't think it's appropriate that you're there all fat, you know, taking up the space.

I don't look fat.

You don't even know who I am.

It's very inappropriate.

You're 5'2", 130.

The first impression is if I show up there, if I go to a pizza place and the guy's out there, you know,

You know, topless, no shirt on, and sweaty armpits, and wearing no gloves, you know, cutting, you know, meat and stuff like that.

It doesn't make the best impression on me, you know?

Okay, so you can look online, and you can look at the types of clothing that we sell, and the different sizes.

Otherwise, you can come in the store, and you can shop if you'd like to.

I don't know if I'm going to like to, because if there's fat people there, you know...

Then you don't have to shop here.

Yeah, 52130. Wow. Wow, honey. Okay.

Okay.

You know, have you tried cutting soda out?

That's the first thing.

You could lose five pounds right there just doing that.

She could be any weight, and I can say that.

Hello?

Oh, that was the other line holding.

She could be any weight.

A woman could be any weight, and you can say the words I just said, and she would be super offended.

She could have been 90 pounds and be like, oh, my God, he's right.

She'd fucking start purging right that moment right there.

Someone's voxering me.

Who is it now?

Bath and Body Works.

This is Melissa.

How may I help you?

Hey, Melissa.

How you doing, big girl?

Good.

All right.

I need a toilet for a 1985 row home.

Wait a minute.

I need a toilet for a 1985 row home.

This is Bath and Body Works.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

I'm calling from the...

Can you put me through to the bath department then?

This is Fragrance Mess.

Oh, that's nice, honey.

Yeah.

I must have the wrong department.

Bath and Body Works.

If you can pass me through the bath, I can get on that toilet, you know?

You have the wrong store.

Bath and Body Works.

God damn it.

Have a nice day.

Listen, big girl.

Yeah, I told her.

See what Dr. Unk wants.

Oh, that was last week's message.

Let's see this one.

Alito, come in.

This is Dr. Unk, PhD.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Have a great one.

And if you want to have me in, you know, you can.

I don't know.

Maybe you're trying to be mysterious or whatever, but happy Thanksgiving.

Ha ha.

Yeah, Dr. Unk.

I didn't even know he was on.

I can't add Dr. Unk on.

Let's see if I find him.

Where do I go?

Skype, right?

Is that what I do there?

Let's see.

oh we should have more people let's take that kind of clusterfucky um i don't have too many

people who's out there is hillock out there i can put hillock on if he if he's calm and doesn't

talk over people too much too much you can always be mad i think dr uncle beef awesome

oh man this this whole fat people thing is really funny i can say that because i've lost so much

much weight oh that's all i talk about how much weight i've lost i haven't lost that much i've

lost i've lost a significant amount of weight but i'm nowhere near there dr runk hello hello hello

if you can hear me i can't hear you and it's probably not your fault let me check the set

oh i did disconnect that cable hang on dr runk i disconnected the cable last night you're there

you're good you're good hang on hang on test test test go now oh you hung up there

there oh hello hey there you are we're we're good we're good hey everything is well oh look at that

see voxel works you voxered me and i immediately got no you were trying to get a hold of me how

are you doing yeah safe bet i'm pretty good how was your uh thanksgiving there it was pretty good

i did a show last night it was all right and now i'm asking about fat people uh i know i heard i

heard your first two calls i was in the car with some buddies of mine and i was like oh it's

It's for Thanksgiving.

Yeah.

And they were all like, and they were all like, they were all like chuckling away when you

were all like, Hey, big girl.

Hey.

Yeah.

All right.

So I thought I'd check in and see, you know, what's, what's going on.

How long you been on?

Uh, one hour, 45 minutes.

Welcome to H&M customer service.

Ooh, H&M.

Bienvenido al servicio de atención al cliente de H&M.

For help in English, press one.

Amish, this call may be recorded to improve your experience.

Good.

That sounds like crap.

We're going to go somewhere else.

It's breaking up a lot.

And it's going to some kind of central call center.

Crate and Barrel.

What are they?

Oh, they sell, like, pots and pans and shit, I think.

Did anyone do the Thanksgiving, I mean, the Butterball Turkey Helpline?

Are they still open right now?

I hope so.

Well, last night, well, they have hours.

They do keep hours.

They're not 24.

No.

butterball turkey i didn't do it last night because it had already closed let me see if

they're still open that'd be really hilarious it's 8 19 p.m i think they're closed by now

oh that sucks pulling it up shit i might have been able to do it when we first started

because because i mean we could just be really thrifty thrifty um you know uh thanksgiving

people trying to like you know get cheap value and say you know we're trying to deep fat fry

this thing but you know don't really have time to defrost it and we put it in and then just shit

it you know got out of hand real quick well i've done that where i've been like how much propane

do i need no no sir welcome to butterball let's see to be connected to our butterball turkey talk

line for information on turkey thank you for calling butterball our office is closed yeah

they've closed they've since closed bullshit bullshit so yeah i'm dr drinking right now

okay all right yeah there's a lot of background noise i may have to check i know i know you may

may have to cut me i know i know here here um let me uh yeah here um i'll i'll keep listening

and i'll find a time to pop back in okay no problem holler at me you know how to get ahold

of me see you dr bye all right see you carlito bye everyone that's not drunk everybody

hollister another place that sells clothing that i don't fit in let's call them the music stopped

hi do you have fat people clothing there i'm sorry do you have fat people clothing fat people

for clothing or clothing i'm sorry i couldn't understand for fat people uh that's kind of a

bit strange um plus size we don't carry plus size if that's what you're asking now no i mean like

for fat girls fat boys that would be plus size and we don't carry plus size yeah i'm like these

fat people good yeah i'm just happy that you guys don't have that for fat people ugly fat people you

know disgusting that's not pretty nice yeah what sizes did you go up to um large and extra large

we have extended sizes online wow large extra large really wow yeah yeah some of those people

could lose a little bit huh i'm sorry some of those people could probably lose a little bit

right in that category uh i think i'm gonna be done with this conversation well you know what

i mean you know how they are they come in waddling in that's not okay all right but thanks for

calling hey i put my baby kids in herbal life i'm herbal life i put my kids on herbal life

Oh, happy birthday to Sean Ward.

I know no one knows what I'm talking about or cares probably,

but Sean Ward birthday today.

Motherfucker.

Sean Ward show on YouTube.

Check that out.

Did I not?

I just called Hollister?

Yeah.

Coaches like bags and shit.

I can ask them if they have purses for fat girls.

Why not?

Thank you for calling, Coach.

This is Steven speaking.

How may I help you tonight?

Hi, do you have bags there for fat girls?

I'm sorry, what was that?

Do you have bags for fat girls?

We have bags that have crossbody straps

and straps that go over the shoulder

and as well as ones that you can carry

with your hands like a set of women.

so fat girls could use them then if you wanted to put that that way yes they could yes oh that's

disgusting i'm sorry is there anything else i can help you with yeah well you know what it is right

you know you see one of them it's like oh i smell tuna you know here we go i'm sorry when you see

one of them coming in the store it's like oh god here we go i smell tuna you know oh no i mean i

appreciate every customer that comes into the store yeah but the fat ones take you know a little

longer they have less disposable income because they eat a lot you know i actually found that in

my previous history i mean girl i've met yeah but some of them have to work a little harder

you know and they they give up on the eating and taking care of their body side to become

more successful that's why okay um kids is there anything else i can help you with or do you have

a more purposeful reason for this call uh well do you know how homosexual men are known to have

more disposable income yes and i do well you know because fat girls aren't around those

take all the money, you know?

I hope you have a great day.

I don't know. Hey, I just...

Okay, I thought we were going to get to hear some

fly-on-the-wall stuff there.

Williams-Sonoma, what do they do?

They're an upscale chain offering high-end cookware,

house-labeled kitchen accessories,

and gourmet goods.

He's asking for the machine.

times deadly like the virus design but to my new design thank you for calling william sonoma geneva

we're now for home services this is stephanie how may i help you hi stephanie do you have knives

for fat girls huh do you have knives for fat girls to use what is this i'm sorry i'm confused

uh fat fat women is this a like are you joking are you being serious no serious no do you have

the ones for fat girls to use that's they're shaped different for fat people i've never seen

those oh how big a girl are you if this is a crank call i don't have time for this it's not

ma'am i'm asking if you have fat people you know fat people knives and kitchen accessories

high-end cookware we have high-end cookware but i've never heard it it still works for everybody

well i mean for for fat people they're a little different you know because

they're a different size you hold on a moment okay

hello are you holding for someone yeah i was someone was checking to see if you had

the knives that are sized for fat people um uh no we just have night there people just come in

and they try them out to see like the weight of the knife right some people have larger hands

some people have smaller hands so yeah but for fat girls you don't have those for the fat ugly

girls no okay so you're gonna talk like that i can no longer talk to you on the phone oh well

i'm not talking about you or anyone there i've never been there myself but it's but that's kind

You're kind of rude and ignorant the way you're talking.

I'm trying to tell you that these knives are sized by the size of your hand and how it feels in your hand.

Yeah, so fat girls would have a problem with, you know, a knife made for a normal person.

No, they would not.

Pretty sure they would.

I mean, the way you're describing it, it's the size of your hand.

How would you know?

You just told me it's because of the size of the hand.

You know what?

You don't know how large I am, but I have quite a large arm in my hand.

You've got big gut.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. I'm sorry.

No, I'm not saying that either.

Well, how tall are you?

You're like 5'9", sounds like.

You know what? If you want to try out the knives, you can come in here

yourself and try them out, and we will

be glad to help you. Yeah, well, how tall are you?

About 5'9", 5'8"?

Are you shopping for yourself or for someone else?

For a fat girl. Wow, she must

really be lucky to have you in her life.

Well, it's the stupid office pool.

I mean, that's... I drew a name out of

a hat, and I came up with Fat Girl.

The Fat Girl in accounting, so I've got to help

fucking find something for her her fat ass so i want to i mean they here they sent me the email

said all right cross you know for secret santa you've got the fat girl from accounting and all

we know about her is that she said it just like that we all call her i'm sure she probably already

knows if she if you're getting your knife for her then she probably wrote down what kind of knife

she likes well all we know about her is that she's fat and that she doesn't have a man like a

boyfriend or anything she doesn't have a picture of a guy we're pretty she doesn't have a ring

either so if she's not if you don't know if she's cooking don't bother buying her a knife but what

do you think i should get a fat girl like because i thought food cooking that probably went fat girl

made sense to you know you're my first choice why don't you just get her a gift card do you have

those for fat people and that's why i'm going to say good night and have a nice evening thanks

Thanks for calling.

Oh, bye.

Okay.

The fat girl from my county.

Oh, wait.

No, she's fat.

Oh, shit.

That's right.

Well, like I was saying, it's Prank Skipping.

Get a happy Prank Skipping, everybody.

I know in previous years, we always did that 24-hour marathon.

This is not in the cards anymore.

But look, you got a double dose of Carlito.

And I think XYZ did a show today.

i think lunch lady was gonna do a show today i don't follow all the various things but

i think there's a daytime show with lunch lady and steven aspenwall i think

you know brad's still doing shows of course dwight still doing shows xyz the show matt hillock and

zach at least once a week they're doing party time so plenty of entertainment out there that

That bitch Sloth doesn't do shit, though.

Lazy bitch.

Um, where are we going?

Where are we going?

Back on the map.

Gap.

The Gap.

That's right.

There's another store where the clothing ad doesn't fit me.

Let's call them.

Yeah, let's call them.

I'm just excited I fit in Old Navy stuff for the first time in my life.

That's awesome.

I can be so white now.

Hello, this is Gap.

How can I help you?

Hey, do you guys have fat girl clothing there?

Excuse me?

Do you have fat girl clothing?

Uh, let me check for you.

Okay.

Thanks so much for holding.

What were you looking for?

I wanted to see if you guys have clothing for fat girls.

For fat girls?

Yeah, for fat people, fat girls specifically.

What size were you looking for?

Well, about how high you go.

We go 33 in pants in store, an extra large in tops.

But on mine, I'm not sure what they go up to.

Wow.

I think it's a 35 in bottoms.

Extra large for women, really?

Yeah, in store.

Wow.

I do have a double XL on mine, I know.

Wow, that's pretty big.

So fat people do come in there and buy stuff all the time?

I mean, I'm not sure what you consider fat.

Well, I mean, how tall are you, for example?

You sound like you're 5'9", 5'8", maybe?

I am 5'2".

All right, and how big a girl are you?

Like, how much do you weigh, 130?

I'm sorry, what exactly were you looking for?

Well, what are you, like 130?

You could lose a few pounds if that's the case.

Okay, can I help you?

Did you need help finding something?

Yeah, but I'm not going to go in there if there's fat people in there.

Okay, I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not sure what...

Do you have a big fat ass on you?

I really don't appreciate you talking to me that way, sir.

And that's really inappropriate.

So please don't call back again.

I'm sorry.

Thank you, Sloth, for that.

Ah, I didn't get that in time, Sloth, about the pussy part.

The pussy!

The big fat hairy pussy.

Shout out to Dr. Lego.

Big fat hairy pussy.

Not that he is one.

He used to say that a lot.

Let's start beef, people.

I could take a break for urinating.

That'd be nice.

Do a little pee.

A little pee.

Two hours in.

Although 15 minutes of that-ish were an intro.

What's Chico's?

Shoes?

Offering women's fashion including career wear.

Ooh, pantslips.

I don't understand this fat girl thing.

Ask restaurants if they have fat girl meals.

Good evening.

Thank you for calling Chico's.

This is Carol.

How can I help you?

Carol, clothing chain offering women's fashions, including career wear, dressy, separates, and more?

All that, yes.

All right.

Do you have clothes for fat girls?

I'm sorry?

For fat girls?

Well, we have large sizes, yes.

Oh, no.

How large are we talking about?

out three uh four can be ordered oh yeah 18 20 that's pretty sad wow okay you have up to a three

and a four there were you looking for well like how tall are you for example that's a different

that's a different sizing than normal stores our three and four would be like a 18 20 oh wow

that's that's some big girls okay yeah how big a girl are you like how tall are you for example

five nine five eight something like that yeah yeah well you got 130 pounds on you don't i wish

Oh, yeah, you're a big girl, too.

Okay, so, I see, I see.

And that's okay.

Is there anything I can help you with?

Yeah, well, I mean, not if it's that kind of store.

I don't think you're what I'm looking for, you know?

Okay, thanks for calling.

Because I don't need fat clothing.

Ooh, yeah, Soma Intimates.

Oh, yeah, fat girls, yeah.

Clay, that was Big Booty Brenda.

Hello?

Soma.

Hey.

Allison speaking.

How are you doing?

Hi.

I'm good, how are you?

Okay, do you have fat people pajamas?

Fat women pajamas?

yamas um can you hold on for a second okay yeah hi do happy yamas for fat women we double xl

oh wow um that's our largest size oh that's disgusting though you sell a lot of calling

oh yeah this is cross you guys you guys sell a lot of those really we do sell double xl you

sell a lot of them though we sell a generous amount are you buying for somebody that's just

so sad that's so sad yeah i mean i was gonna buy for someone but i'm concerned about coming in

there if it's fat girls you know like a fat girl store excuse me i i don't think that's really

appropriate well you know what i mean i mean they drive up the cost of health care and all that and

they eat all your food no they're always trying to get seconds of pizza when everyone's eating pizza

is there anything you would like for me to put on hold for you or anything well yeah actually yeah

yeah yeah what would you like me to do for you uh i don't know i mean do you have to go no okay

What would you like?

Um, you know, just talk to me a little bit.

Cross.

Yeah.

Okay.

What's your name?

You told me before, but I forget.

Look, I would be more than happy to put something on hold for you.

Okay.

All right.

I know what you mean.

So if you have anything specific.

I'll come down there.

You can put that thing on hold for me.

You know what I mean?

You can hold it.

Because your seeds grow up the same way.

Yeah.

Thanks for calling Cooler Hands.

This is Jessie.

How can I help you?

Yeah, do you have meals for fat girls?

Do I have what?

Fat girl people meals.

Fat girl meals.

Hold for a second and ask.

Okay.

For all other inquiries such as delivery, catering, or to speak to a restaurant...

Thank you for holding.

Hi.

Hello.

Hi.

Did you ask if we had time what you mean?

Like food for fat people, fat women specifically, fat girls?

What would you recommend as an example?

Oh, I don't know.

Like what would a fat girl eat?

What do you think?

Are you a big girl?

Let me ask a server.

Okay.

sure um on california pizza kitchen to place a takeout order please press one manager

thank you for calling california pizza kitchen this is hayley at the host stand how can i help

you hi hayley uh do you have menu items for fat people define uh like what a fat girl would want

to eat um well we have a lot of food on the menu for you yeah but i i mean there are a lot like

do fat people come in there and eat fat women uh i mean we get people eating here of all sizes

this oh no no no i don't know that's gonna work out i don't know that's gonna work out because

you know how they are right they smell bad oh no probably don't well yeah i mean and they don't

leave good tips they usually eat the tip before they leave hi thanks for holding hi yeah i'm

calling to see if you had menu items for fat people yeah we uh recommend the stuff um chicken

breast okay the stuffed chicken breast um garlic herb cream cheese if that's what you're looking

for okay for fat girls that seems to work out um i wouldn't know but a lot of people like it

oh so you're not a fat girl just find that like what do you mean well how are you like you sound

like you're five nine five eight maybe yeah and how big a girl are you like how much do you weigh

130 yeah uh you could lose a few yeah you could probably lose like 20 25 pounds so uh what do

you like on the menu then they sit a tip down and then they eat it can't put anything on the

a table with those bad people eating the fucking salt shakers yeah i know sloth i'd be way too

scared if you say that to any woman i think you got women who like get down to like the 70 pound

range and they're still like i'm too fat can't destroy a woman's life by saying this shit really

i shouldn't oh boy but a woman would be like she's right he's right hello thanks for leaving

this silly show i'm one of the managers wait did you want to put in a to-go order um well she was

was telling me what fat girls like to eat fat girls well fat girls she weighs uh she only weighs

like 100 pounds so that's wrong person they ask how tall is she uh i'm not gonna say no well she

could probably lose her set she well she told me five nine so she could probably lose a good

you know 10 20 10 15 pounds let's be honest uh not no i don't know how big you want to put in

that to go you sound like you might need to lose a little bit who me yeah i need food well you need

you lose a little bit though right a little bit of weight oh everyone does i think not me most

people no i'm doing good yeah oh did you want to put on your board you know like not my family

you know all right all right so what would you eat then since you're a big girl i like burgers

oh of course yeah yeah well you put on nachos we have all that food here we have scallop salmon

you can eat scallop scam salmon and nachos and a burger oh not at one time well i'm just giving

I mean, you have some suggestions.

This is for the fat girls?

Why did you want something for a fat person so bad?

Because I have to get a meal for the fat girl in accounting.

Oh, my God.

That's mean.

Well, we actually have our menu is online.

Uh-huh.

Our menu's online.

Is there a big and tall section or a plus size section there?

Nope.

If there's anything you like, you can look online.

And you can look at all the items we have on our menu.

you okay so if you want to order a thing and call back okay i'll call back and i'll ask you okay

okay all right honey bye

the fat girl in the county

big amy the fat girl in the county noodles and co

noodles and company in geneva this is sage how can i help you yeah do you have noodles for fat

people like for fat girls okay she must be one okay they know who i am very funny guys

you probably blame it on the the dishwashers those fucking dishwashers the two-story dishwasher

douchey guys oh you're funny you're fat amy dude guys i gotta take a piss i gotta coordinate my

dinner that's on its way here i think i'll just take a break i think we'll come back all right

if you guys are okay with that sorry we're having fun this is uh another madhouse show

this is the black friday show celebrating 24 hours of prankscaming 2016 i did it i told you

what that was i called the walmart last night for the game negro assassin what you heard me

bitch all right when i come back we got more numbers more calls to do we're gonna be calling

some infomercial places we got jewelry stores we got lows we got uk numbers jim stewart

Reklud, Hollywood Vanya, Sean Ward

all joining us after the break.

Don't go anywhere.

Try it out, try it out.

I'm gonna try it out.

Radio will be back right after this.

When you die, they put your GPS in your box

and a trapdoor at the bottom.

When you die, you open a trapdoor at the bottom

and you go straight.

House Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

we'll always be behind you do not let a woman will ever ever make you who you are

let's continue all right all right all right i wasn't able to get anyone to agree to help me out

here so thanks thanks a lot guys everyone dropped out all the people said they were going to join

all those people nobody joined nobody here it really hurts my feelings guys i'm kidding i'm

fine i'm just as funny by myself i don't need anyone with me anyway damn i see dark stranger

around but i don't see dark stranger on my machine my skype machine i think dark stranger

is like blocked on my end and i have no idea why dark stranger

dark stranger comes up with a big red x so i don't know i look dialers on yellow let's see

see if Tyler's around that'd be cool hey Tyler you around I'm doing a show machine anyone else

who has me on skype any of the friends there the sordid friends the joint prankers okay in the

meantime we can continue with the prank calls Matt says he cannot do a show he hurt himself

he fell down and hurt himself he was a little we got worried about him last night he was doing

some of these last night sounded like that back there he's all right he says just a little sore

he said he can see the leg hanging there by the skin right now so it's okay he doesn't want me to

be sore at him that's fine i won't be i'm not sore at you um comics graham crackers comics

graham crackers comics i don't know what to do there let's go to a new mall let's go somewhere

completely different we've been calling illinois um chat room you want to give me a state random

state make it goofy uh not a goofy state something like montana there you go montana let's find

state of Montana you don't hear much about Montana doesn't look like they

have any forever 21s they're because we're calling about fat people

clothes today what's a different state Wyoming that's a weird state Sears Sears

aren't always in a mall what's the store that's always in the mall the Gap Gap

Wyoming. Gap Factory

Store. Ooh, Wyoming doesn't even have

a Gap.

Alright.

Got something close to one here.

Five guys. A lot of food

here. A lot of food. A lot of fat people here.

I want to keep doing more of that fat people

stuff. Here we go. Dress Barn.

But first we'll do Gap. Gap Factory

Store. Let's do it. Straight up from the

90s. They're closing soon.

Happy to be here. I guess the viewers

are doing prank calls.

Thanks for having me.

Happy holidays, and thank you for calling the Gap Factory store.

Sloth says I have DSL.

How do I have her blocked?

Thank you for calling Dress Barn.

This is Heather.

How may I help you?

Hey, Heather.

Do you have dresses there for fat girls?

We do have women's sizes from 14 to 24.

Oh, that's disgusting, though.

Is there any other questions that you have?

Yeah.

Do a lot of fat girls come in there?

How about when you decide to stop using derogatory terms,

you give us a call back, and I'll answer more questions.

Have a great evening.

I'm not- I didn't say anything wrong.

This ain't no shit, derogatory shit.

Fuck.

X, Y, Z, hi.

Hey, hey there.

Hey, good to have you on.

I think this is your first Madhouse appearance, thanks.

Yes, yes sir, it is.

Cool, alright, cool.

You ever go to a Kohl's before?

Yeah man, all the time, that's where I get my clothes from.

That's good.

Better than Ross, if you ask me.

Yeah, hell yeah, you're right.

Fuckin' Ross.

Fuck that.

Yeah.

It's bullshit, man.

I don't know if you've been listening, but I've been talking about fat clothes today.

Oh, yeah.

You might have been asking a few people about fat clothes, yeah?

Fat stuff, fat food.

Knives.

Wait, did you ask for fat knives, too?

Knives, yeah.

Knives for fat people at a Williams-Sonoma.

We're really confused here with that one.

It's like television clothing.

It's the same thing, right?

Yeah.

Oh, gosh.

Classic Carlito stuff here.

Hey, man.

transferring please hold i don't know where we're going thank you for calling coles this is marina

how can i deliver greatness for you today yep chain department store offering a wide selection

of brand name clothing accessories and homewares correct what's that you're a chain department

store offering a wide selection of brand name clothing accessories and homewares i believe so

okay uh what department is this this is the service desk okay do you have women uh fat women

clothing the plus size for fat fat women we have a plus size section yes we do is there someone

specific that's there eating right now waiting for the phone to ring do you have a question sir

about fat women clothing yes okay i want to put you on hold because i'm with a customer

now she's with a customer

fuck that i'll call someone else in the meantime we did the gap subway verizon if anything tickles

you're fancy you want to do it you let me know okay you got it b-dubs olive garden fitness one

there's a place to ask about fatties yeah is it ringing i can't hear anything it's about to

oh it is okay i couldn't hear the last one too i don't know if uh oh no oh of course i can't do

the wrong computer i'm stupid all right i'll call you right back okay all right stupid me hang on

i think it's gonna call there it goes you're there now oh i hear everything now oh wow there

you go now you hear the whole music good good all right good so back to this put that on hold

busy now okay forget that uh studio city had some movie theater it's just gonna go to a freaking

computer offices are closed i need a mall fuck wyoming man this place sucks mom it's just just

planes and stuff like that telling you just fly over it uh i don't think i really mess with new

mexico that much let's see what's up there it's too much craziness yeah it is all right uh we're

headed out to new mexico and this is a mall right focus on that zooming zooming zooming

sunglass there we go that's what i'm talking about sunglass at disney store

Oh, wow.

Buckle.

Berks, no.

Home Plus, no.

Kuko's.

I want to mess with them.

I don't know what Kuko's is.

Kuko's Kitchen.

Okay.

It's asking why fat people eat.

It's a big theme tonight.

You want to jump in?

You let me know.

Like I said.

All right, you got it.

I got this one, though.

That one's taking too long to answer.

Next one.

Trampoline.

Calling Fallout Trampoline Arena.

Conveniently located at the...

Wait.

If you would like to book a party, please press 1.

Stupid fat fingers.

Hello, Fallout Trampoline Arena, right?

Hello?

Trampoline Arena?

Yes.

Okay, do you have trampolines for fat children?

Like, what do you mean?

Well, for the big fat children.

Well, hold on one second.

Okay.

Fat trampolines for fat children.

Yeah, we do.

How much fat can they have?

Oh, yeah.

Like, it's all ages, all sizes.

It doesn't matter.

What about fat people, like fat girls, fat women?

and yeah it doesn't matter what size do they jump the same the same height um it really depends on

their weight really does it they get someone smaller of course they'll jump like not as high

okay what's the rate of gravity on a trampoline exactly when you go up the inertial energy how

how is it affecting the rate of gravity bringing it back down i honestly don't know

hmm okay okay so there's no restriction on fat people using this they're not not at all okay

All sizes can jump.

Can I pick up the trampoline and throw it?

No.

Okay.

They're in the ground.

Can I open all the doors?

All right, I'm going to go.

Thank you.

No, don't go.

Come on.

Ah, stupid.

Oh, man.

This guy's asking a weird question.

Open all the doors.

If you've got any retail stores, I've got an idea I want to try.

Any type of retail store in particular

Because I'm looking at a whole bunch of them right now

Oh yeah you're in a mall

Anything yeah

Shoe department sound good

Oh yeah I love shoes

Oh I need them

I use them all the time I'm a big fan of shoes

Oh yeah

Sneakers too

Busy

What did I think of this Black Friday

It's crazy

Build-A-Bear

Bloom

Boom. What the fuck is boom? Clothing?

Skinny people clothing, bro?

Yeah, it's for skinny people.

Hallmark shop. Here you go.

Maybe you can do that.

There we go. We give it a one and a boom.

Hey, Emily. How can I help you?

Hey, Emily. How you doing, sister?

I'm doing really good. Listen, I have

my coupon here that I got in the mail

for the Black Friday, the

100% off.

Sorry, I don't think we got anything out like that.

No, no. It's real.

It's real, it's real. I have it right here. I just want to redeem it real quick, so if you can set aside my item.

Okay, what's good there? I'd like one card. You guys have cards, right?

Yes.

Okay, I'd just like one card. Just set it aside. It's the boss's card, one for Happy Boss Day. Do you have that up right now, or is that not the season?

We carry those all year round.

Okay, perfect. Awesome. That's my favorite holiday.

So I'll just have one of those, and I'll use my 100% off coupon if you want to type in everything for that,

and I'll come and pick it up. My name is Gaius.

All right. It sounds good.

Hey, listen. All right. And I also have, can I have a special message written on the card?

Okay, I want you to write, Dear Brian. Are you writing, or are you just writing it down so you can write it later?

I'm writing it down so I can write it later.

okay all right perfect so i want dear brian um for the past eight months i have been fucking

your daughter i am going to the bahamas and quit you're a terrible boss and i have been

taking office supplies from the break room for the past nine months just to spite you

could you read that back to me real quick just so uh we've got it all down i just want to make

sure it's transcribed right uh dear brian i have been effing your daughter and as a boss no no don't

wait don't write effing i need i need the actual uh like word you know right now because

i'm sorry no it's okay god god will forgive you it's all right i'm really i'm sorry i give you

permission to do it so it's okay so your boss won't get upset small value i just don't cuss

oh okay you're kind of a buzzkill but all right fine go ahead and read it back to me one more time

just to make sure everything's good um can i actually put you on hold i have a customer

uh i don't think you do i think you're lying to me i'm really not um give me one second

the customer's name what's the custom what's the uh what's the what are they wearing what's

their hair color and a blue skirt is she ugly or is she cute like what would you rate her out of 10

that did it that did it that's what she that was it that was fun gosh that was good

jesus oh man the blue skirt i like how she asked the name that was good yeah yeah that was awesome

monica luminski right there i got an idea for this place chipotle hey listen you guys sabotaged

my dinner tonight i don't appreciate that sabotaged your dinner yeah yeah completely so

i'm very sorry about that i sat down and i went to put the sauce on my burrito bowl i opened it

and it was full of salt and i looked at all the bottles there someone over there has gone through

all the bottles of hot sauce and filled them with salt and pepper why do you have that why do you

have salt in the hot sauce bottle salt in the hot sauce bottle that's just how the company wants us

to do it well that's stupid then why does it not say that on there it says clear that's tabasco and

i put it on fucking mountain of salt on my food i want free to a manager yeah right now this

happened to me do they really do that yeah they think it's cute and i was hot

and i was like oh put some hot sauce on my burrito bowl and the saw i'm like oh god

that's up because it looks so cool just terrible stupid see who else i can call in the meantime

while we wait oh gamestop hot dog on a stick some music too loud for you or is uh you're

getting echo back it's it's fine and maybe a little bit quieter but that's all right it's

pretty good all right what about echo is it good on echo oh yeah everything's good it comes and

goes sometimes yeah what did you say i'm the manager oh hey honey is there a man i can talk

to you though um no i'm the only manager here well that doesn't instill a very big sense of

confidence in me that my situation is going to be able to get fixed i am the manager so what's

it's a problem well you know your employees there think it's funny to pull a prank on me and ruin my

dinner okay how uh they switched out the hot sauce with salt um sir tovasco we use them we refill

them with salt that's just a company-wide thing that's stupid that's stupid you stupid you okay

why would you do that you stupid um sir it's a company thing it's a tovasco who's talking back

there talking trash who's talking what are you talking about sir i heard someone talking trash

about the tabasco no sir no i heard it just me in my office no no go who's talking to me put

him on the phone right now you let me defend myself um sir what is your name cross what is

it cross and i'll put my lawyer on the phone if you don't believe me okay sir that's that okay

lawyer on the phone yeah hello hello my name is gaius i am the lawyer here what are you speaking

Speaking to my clients, you're saying nasty words.

I'm sorry?

You're saying nasty words.

Who do you represent?

Chipotle?

You represent Chipotle?

I don't have a number to call back.

Can I call y'all back?

Y'all back?

No, no, no, no.

We're going to settle this right now.

My client has the right to defend himself.

Yeah.

You know, he has the right to defend himself with words.

Put him on the phone.

Put that man on the phone that's verbally assaulting him.

I also have the right to defend myself.

So let me get my Chipotle lawyer.

And what is your number so I can get my lawyer so we can talk this out?

No, no, no. We don't need any of that. I don't need to...

Yeah, we do. I want to defend myself just like you want to defend you.

I have the right to not tell you. So, you know what? It's in the Constitution.

Okay, so is there a number I can give you back? And it's also my right as well.

No, it's in the Constitution. It says I can plead the Fifth Amendment. So, there you go.

Hold on just one minute. Let me get my area manager to get a lawyer. Just one minute. Just one minute, please. Thank you.

Okay, you get it. Uh-oh.

We're going up the chain here.

Oh, boy. They're escalating it.

yeah keep going keep going guy is bald guy is the lawyer he's got all types of jobs

yeah he's a good man the first time i heard you say that on blog talk so what's his face the guy

the beta whatever that guy was that killed himself that died brodsky oh yeah gary brodsky

yeah like minutes after that he looked it up he's like you know what this is a fucking

bell star galactica shit that he was saying that name guys bell talk i knew it i knew it i'm smart

oh god i loved him great man rest in peace yes yes definitely rest in peace scary he was cool

at the end too about it i wonder what he's getting for real it's interesting yeah like

how in the end like uh dwight ended up making peace with him and all this stuff was so

oh yeah he called him was like hey where you been buddy i missed you dwight

there was the fake madhouse too those guys oh yeah i love them

i don't even know where that came from that was fun i guess i think dwight's an italian

yeah place it off real well damn where's this lawyer come on

they should be on call

seriously

what's he getting

paid for

god it's not like

a walmart lawyer

these guys

these guys would be

jumping you know

oh yeah you scream

unionization

they're all

you're flying

in everything man

yeah

shit yeah

fuel the chopper

let's go

they got like an

alarm that goes off

you know they go

on red alert

oh god

uh

i'll do something

else in the meantime

who knows

who knows what

will come out of this

we gotta figure out

what happens man

Yeah, so they're both on the line.

One's ringing, so don't be confused.

I figured I'm calling shit.

Hollister, that's right.

Fat clothes.

Hollister, this is Vince.

Yeah, do you have fat people clothing?

No, we do not.

Bye-bye.

Don't be like that.

Come on.

I told you to be quick.

Oh.

No, we don't know.

Bye-bye.

He's like, I'm not going to deal with that today.

I'm sorry.

It's bug-burning.

Sleep number.

i had an idea for a shoe place i said if i had a footlocker i'd call it and i don't remember it

i don't even know if i said that like an hour ago oh gosh i don't remember yeah

if you don't yeah i was kind of tuned out there at that time i was doing something

taking shower all that oh that's good that's important too yeah yeah you gotta be clean

yeah um barbara school is probably closed jc penny too large

walker shoe palace disney store that's right i did say this place had a disney store let's try

that it's crazy

it's an enchanting night here at your disney store at the conwood mall hi jez ray um do you

have clothing for fat children there what what sizes would you be looking for just fat in general

fat kids our biggest size and kids goes up to a 9 10 is that like pretty fat average size if you're

looking for bigger clothes the next size up would be an adult small okay yeah that's kind of big

though you know for children to be at that size yeah yeah that's not good that's not good you

have children i do uh how fat are they uh she is not she's average she's like a what like a nine

No, she's actually only four years old.

Hello.

Hi.

Okay, so do you want us to give you a free bow?

I'm sorry that you felt that way, and I really do apologize.

Do you want me to replace your meal, sir?

Well, that's between you and my lawyer, Dr. Gaius Baltar, because I'm out of it.

I'm being represented now.

Do you want me to replace your bow?

My bow?

I mean, I think we also need an apology, don't we?

Are you trying to say bowl?

Yeah, bowl.

Oh, my God.

You hear how she says that, Gaius?

yeah that's that's weird is she like retarded or something you're stupid or something it gotta be

my what again can you say it again on a free bowl or not

free bow bow how do you spell that ma'am okay well then if y'all don't want one i tried my best

what does what does a dog do at the moon thank you so much for everything goodbye bye bye all

Alright, that was enough.

I was waiting for that.

I thought you were saying bow at first.

Like my bow.

That threw me off. I was really confused.

I don't know how New Mexicans

talk like that.

I'm not feeling this mall.

Not at all.

Mall in California.

Ooh, the great mall.

Nice.

Everyone knows who we're going to be calling.

Alright, we're going to call them fast.

Fast? Okay. Toys R Us? Outlet Center? You can do that, right?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I can. I got some more coupons left over.

The 100% off.

I got it written in crayon and everything.

Thank you for calling the Toys R Us outlet.

For store hours, press 1. For store locations, press 2.

Toys R Us outlet in the Great Mall. This is Veronica. What can I help you find?

Yes, hello, Veronica. How are you today? Or tonight?

You're doing all right.

You said you're what?

You're doing all right.

I'm sorry? You're doing all right. Okay, perfect.

Listen here, I'd like you to set some toys aside for me. I need some Lincoln Logs.

Unfortunately, we don't carry those at this location, sir. That's only the main store.

You guys don't carry... Okay, what about Legos? You gotta have Legos, right?

We do carry Legos, but unfortunately, we cannot put anything aside right now.

The store is very full of customers right now.

Well, that's okay. Just go ahead and do that for me, because I have a coupon that I need you to ring up.

I'm going to purchase it right now over the phone.

I have a 100% off coupon.

If you can just plug that into the computer real quick.

Unfortunately, we don't do purchases over the phone, sir.

It's okay.

I can give you, if you want me to type my card number,

I can type it into the phone right now if you're ready to receive it.

No, sir.

I don't have that function at the outlet.

If anything, you can talk to the main store.

I got it.

Hold on a second.

I'm going to put it in right now, okay?

This is going to be a credit card.

This is MISA, okay?

Sir, sir, we...

Oh, no.

Gosh, yeah.

Oh, man.

Yeah.

Good stuff.

I called earlier and said I wanted to buy something with cash over the phone.

We had to go to a gas station.

Oh, the gas, yeah.

You were trying to buy with cash, right?

Over the phone.

We do that with McDonald's.

Maybe McDonald's will entertain my...

How we do that?

Oh, gosh.

Do you need to cash tender?

it's legal tender it says it on the bill i got in trouble in the fifth grade because my teacher

was saying that you know the dollar bill you can take it to the u.s government they have to give

your gold back in one dollar oh yeah i said no it's not transferable and it's not back i actually

knew about that i told her i got a note sent to my mom for being insubordinate oh wow because i

called her on her runner i didn't even say like you're wrong or you're lying i just said i don't

think so this is whatever i didn't know her name oh my gosh she said my attitude was poor and i was

they're racist yeah i was like the only you humiliated her it was i think because i said

like i was like real snarky about it like no way uh-uh that's wrong yeah i probably was knowing me

i probably was like well my dad was like he said he's right i think is he right he's just like

whatever it's a problem oh yeah you were right right okay thank you for calling factory store

i think it's the bill don't bill say like non-transferable or something i think that's why

gory got the idea no it's not yeah i think they do yeah i don't usually carry cash on me so

that yeah it's very you know what happens if i get mugged you know very september 10th

yeah well hello keep for coffee yeah i'm calling i'm calling for the horsey cat jordan's

Horsey Cat Jordans.

Horsey Cat Jordans?

Yeah.

What's a Horsey Cat Jordan?

No.

No, we don't have that here, sir.

Okay, I can pay with cash over the phone.

We don't have that here.

Can I pay with cash over the phone, though?

Cash over the phone?

Mm-hmm.

I'm not sure how that would work.

Oh, here.

How do you pay with...

I'll show it to you here.

I'll give you the serial number on the bill.

We don't have that here, though.

It's not in our store.

Okay, but can I just get an Adidas gym bag that you have back there on the wall?

Hold on.

Okay.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

I was calling to see if you have those Adidas gym bags.

You know you're calling Nike, right?

Yeah, don't you have the gym bags there, though?

The accessories?

For the Adidas?

Mm-hmm, the Adidas ones.

No.

Why would we have that at a Nike store?

Oh, you have the Nike one, the red one with the Nike swoosh?

No, we don't have that one here.

Oh, shit.

Do you have any gym bags?

Yeah, we have a couple.

Well, that's what I mean, yeah.

Yeah, not the Adidas.

We don't sell Adidas here.

I thought you were the same company.

This is Nike, not Adidas.

Okay, all right.

Are there a lot of, like, you know, black people there?

What was that?

Are there a lot of, like, you know, black people there, you know?

You want to know if there's black people there?

Are there a lot there?

I'm sorry.

I really don't have time for this.

Like, how many?

How many?

Our store is, like, really busy right now.

Are you safe right now?

If you don't feel safe, let me know.

But, okay.

Give me the safe word.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

I was on hold.

She was checking into something for me.

What were you checking for?

What did you need?

She was checking to see if she had the Kanye West in my size.

No, we do not.

If you want to come check for anything else, we don't have those in store.

What about the horsey cat?

No, I don't, sir.

Sorry about that.

Do you have shoes for fat girls?

Okay, great.

Oh, jeez.

I was asking for Adidas.

I thought I was in a footlocker for a second.

So that was actually pretty funny.

I like the serial number you're giving that.

Yeah, it's perfect sense.

It's an individual serial number

It's unique to the bill

It'd be great if it worked like that

But that's a long ass number

To be given out all the time

Oh yeah

Finish line us for the Morsey cats

Or if you feel

If you feel a shoe

A shoe prank you can let me know now

It's ok

No you take it

I don't have any good ideas for that

Finish line

Hey how you doing there big girl

Hello?

Who?

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

Finish line.

Oh, hi.

Okay, hi.

Yeah, I'd like to see if you have the Horsey Cat Jordans in there.

One second.

Do you have the style number so I could get someone to look for it?

Just Horsey Cat.

That's all I got.

Horsey Cat.

Horsey Cat?

Horsey Cat, yeah.

They're Jordans?

Yeah, Horsey Cat Jordans.

I don't think we have those.

Do you have the ability to look them up on the computer?

computer um are you sure we have those yeah that's the thing yeah you guys are all supposed

to have them we'll be ignorant you know

we don't have them okay i have a different one to look for then you ready

yeah you want to do it um do you have the style number so it's like the skew number kind of yeah

yeah all right uh yeah yeah i do it's uh i don't actually no i don't i thought i know the name

of the shoe yeah it's uh men's reebok question mid basketball shoe what size and i don't know

you got a 12 there it's 12 do you have it uh i'd have to go check okay hello hi uh we actually

don't have those ones either you know why it's good that you don't uh why because i was gonna

gonna hit you in the face with it okay he's like okay all right then okay then hey zappos we can

call zappos oh yeah i love them they're real nice you ever call zappos on your shows oh i i call

them all the time they're real nice to me great people do you own the xyz tld or do you just have

sites on that tld i'm trying to say i have uh no i don't i don't i don't think so i don't know

know what you mean don't you have using your website dot xyz yeah it's um okay it's a xyz

show dot xyz okay okay for some reason i thought that for some reason i thought you controlled all

of dot xyz now oh boy that'd be all i wish i wonder who's you know who's in control of that

i'm just curious what entity has no idea but you gotta figure it out yeah well you probably got it

through your google or your uh whatever go daddy i don't know whatever yeah don't say over there

because then people look for yeah they look for you know they're crazy like that like the

velociraptors looking for weaknesses in the electric fence yeah they just keep throwing

themselves at it yeah never the same place twice that's how i would do it um back to retail machine

i've got a little bit of strength back now that's good oh nice yeah

Do you want to try to complain at Chipotle with my salt idea?

Because I was there.

Like I said, this happened to me.

i'm just i was just that tired and i just wanted to eat and yeah i thought it was a hot sauce and

i like opened up us and barely paying attention fucking salt all over i'm like damn it you pissed

i would demand that they refund me that that's crazy well i felt too embarrassed to do that

but then like hey that'd be funny hit a prank call yeah they laugh at you out of the store

and everything yeah i probably wouldn't have the guts to say anything either yeah i was like

I got a spoon and I scraped the top

layer off, but you can't on salt.

Even with that. I don't know why.

It's messed up, man.

I paid extra

for the guacamole, so I

ended up wasting a bunch of the guacamole

because that was what was right on top

and it took most of the salt.

I mean, it sucks, man.

I did it because I'm on a diet.

It's, you know...

I got so upset that I went

went to the grocery store and ate a whole can of frosting no it's awful is this a chipotle yeah

yeah you want to do it oh yeah yeah yeah man i gotta you know i gotta give him a piece of my

mind hello yes hello i need to give you a piece of my mind my name is guys how are you doing today

all right and yourself uh i'm not doing too good and i'm going to tell you why i was in your store

in your establishment your restaurant there uh and you guys uh you guys you know you gave me

me my food and i was uh sitting down to eat and i went over to put some tabasco sauce in the hot

sauce and you know i guess you guys are trying to pull a prank or something one of your employees

there is pulling some sort of joke but a bunch of salt came out all over my place tabasco yeah

the uh the tabasco the hot sauce the hot one yeah the hot one would you like to speak to my manager

about this yeah i i would and if you if you before you pass me off to your manager i need you to

a check you know so you if you want to see for yourself that it's there and you can tell your

manager that okay okay all right thank you pass me off honey okay give me one second all right

i'll give you i'm gonna give you one second hello manager i'm just holding i wonder if they really

have one here if they have it here or maybe it's just i'm crazy you know hey while we wait i'm

gonna dial another one in okay that sounds good i don't know why i do it like this but

We're calling Chipotle, Indiana. This is Danny. How can I help you?

Hello, Danny. I stopped by your establishment, your restaurant, to get some food.

Oh, hi.

Hello? Hi. Can you give me, like, probably, like...

Yeah, sure. That's fine. I'm on another phone call, okay?

Okay. Thank you.

Two minutes. Okay. All right. No problem. All right. Danny, are you still here?

Yes.

Okay. Hi, Danny. Sorry. I'm an important person.

Listen, so I stop in. I sit down. I'm about to eat my meal that I got here from you guys.

I'm sitting down to eat and I go out and I, um, what I do is I take the Tabasco sauce that you

guys have there, the hot sauce. Okay. And I put it down on, onto my, uh, my food and you know what

came out? Salt. Yeah. So I don't know what sort of joke is being played around here. If you guys

are having some funny business, hanky panky or something, but that's ridiculous. Okay. I can't

have that much salt in my diet okay okay i understand so i need you to rectify this situation

okay um if you'd like i can get a manager to talk to you and in the meantime i'm gonna go and check

that out because i'm not sure how that happened but yeah i'm gonna go make sure there's nothing

else like there and i'm going to tell the manager that i want a formal apology okay that i want her

to say to me when she gets on the line i want it to be very thought out and detailed and to really

mean it okay okay sounds good hi hello hi yes hi is this the manager hi hi okay hi how are you

doing um so do they fill you into the situation no i've been working on the line so i just got

off of it right now well i let me let me tell you the situation again because i guess i have to

basically um you guys some jokester over there switched the hot sauce out with salt and i put

Put it on my food, and it was filled with salt everywhere.

Salt?

Yeah.

Is it the hot sauce from the line or the hot sauce from the condiment station?

It's from the condiment stations.

Huh.

And the hot sauce was switched with salt.

Yeah, it was filled with salt instead of hot sauce.

The Tabasco.

But there's, like, no way for us to have filled it like that.

Well, you know what?

Well, maybe, you know, you guys just messed up somehow, okay?

Okay, and this is, I need you to, I need you to apologize, first of all, for this, because I want, and I need you to take personal responsibility.

Do you have any kind of way you can come back in?

What's your name? What's your name? What was it? What was your name?

My name is Alba.

Alba, okay, I need you to say, I, Alba, am taking personal responsibility for the situation, and I stake my job on what's happened, and I'm very sorry, Mr. Baltar.

dr balsar for what you did what i did to the um uh condiment station um okay yeah so i didn't

personally do that i am sorry though that you have a bunch of salt in your burrito but i was

trying to fix it i accidentally messed up when i was telling this story actually i just remembered

something was i saying hot sauce yes okay i meant the little like corona light bottles

or corona bottles hi thank you for calling this is emily how can i help you

Hi, Emily. Good to have you on the line as well. That's perfect. I have both of you on the line. You guys are both managers at Chipotle?

I'm a service manager here at Indiana.

All right, and Alba. Alba, you're a manager too, right?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, wow, you guys sound really similar.

So basically, both of you, I was in both of your restaurants, okay, when I was getting my food.

and um basically i put the salt i put the what i thought was hot sauce but apparently it was salt

on my food and it was in the coronita bottles that you have in one of the tabasco bottles

corona yeah the tabasco bottles yeah there was salt in there pepper sauce it was i i don't i

don't know it was it's three different kinds it says it's the one with the it's the one with the

The Mexico font and everything with the Mexico speak?

We don't have a salsa that looks like that.

Tabasco Red. It was Tabasco Red.

Tabasco, regular hot, and then there's a chipotle, and then we have a jalapeno green pepper one.

Okay. It was Tabasco Red. That's all I should say.

Okay. Okay. So you said that what you thought was the Tabasco sauce turned out to have a bunch of salt in it?

Uh-huh. Let me ask you about your salt shakers. What are they like? What do they look like to you?

The salt that we have, we actually don't have them placed out towards the front anymore

because we've had people throw them away.

But as for the salt being in the Tabasco bottle, there shouldn't be anything like that.

I mean, I'm not as like of any of the employees putting that in there.

So if it had been like another customer or if there had been a mistake with, you know,

somebody combining those together, by all means, I could try and help her out with that.

Okay.

Hey, shh, shh.

Okay. I don't care for the attitude and the way you're talking down to me, both of you, managers, in fact.

I think that both of you just need to apologize and take responsibility and say that you put the salt in the Tabasco bottles

and say that you will submit your resignations by the end of the day.

I think that's where we have to go with this. I'm going to have to demand your resignation. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, ma'am.

Sir, are you still there?

I'm still here.

Okay.

I'd like your resignation by the end of the day on my desk, please.

Calling?

I'm calling from my office right now.

Okay.

By all means, I can go ahead and try and take care of your complaint there.

I mean, I can try and send you, like, if you would prefer to come into the restaurant

and, you know, at a time that's more convenient for you,

I can go ahead and give you, you know, a free coupon from us,

or I can go ahead, if you would rather it be sent to you,

I can take down an address and have that sent to you, and you should receive it in about a week.

Okay, I got, yeah, I'll give you an address.

Okay.

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, D.C.

Do you need a zip code?

Pennsylvania Avenue.

Yes, please.

A zip code.

Okay, for that.

Hold on.

Let me get it.

One second.

I have to Google that.

20500.

Okay, and you said that was Washington, D.C.?

Yeah.

Yeah, and so, okay, so there you go.

And if you want to address that to President DJT, that should be good.

DJT, you said?

Yeah, DJ, just address it to DJT.

Okay, well, yeah, I can definitely go ahead and send you in a coupon, okay?

All right, well, I really do appreciate that.

And I'm sorry that we had all this, you know, this confusion.

Great, I'm sorry for any attitude that you felt that was coming.

I'm really sorry, too.

I just didn't want to get all worked up about that.

But I'm very sorry.

And you have a good rest of the night, okay?

All right.

Thank you.

You, too.

All right.

You, too.

Bye.

Hey, that was great.

Hey, you're really good on your feet, man.

No, thanks.

You perfectly did the whole, you negotiated both of those calls at the same time.

That's right.

You've got to juggle them, you know?

And I got our new president a coupon.

Yeah, for free burrito, I think, or something.

yeah that's great good gift that's awesome so i guess they don't all do the bottles like that

then i don't know yeah it's just your location maybe that and then the one that i called she

said it was like it's a whole company thing but now i'm thinking were they really hot sauce i

think they were hot sauce the one i met but then i think i've seen those corona ones also like but

right yeah i guess it just depends yeah well maybe i think that one because they were saying

that they had to throw their salt shakers

like they kept being thrown away.

So that might have been part of the reason why.

Yeah, maybe.

I'm not sure about that one.

Maybe the contract with Corona expired.

I don't know.

They sell Corona there, I think.

I don't know they even sell beer.

They used to sell beer at Chipotle.

You used to be able to get Coronas

and these little things of wine.

It was fast casual.

I don't think they do that anymore, though.

Yeah, I think so.

Or maybe not here where I live.

Anyway, cool.

Good work, man.

Two calls at once.

Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

Everyone that can do that.

Well, right around the corner, there's Indie Beverage.

Indie Beverage.

I got it.

Oh, wow.

I just want to see if it's what we're all thinking.

Oh, cool.

Bowling.

Let's go fucking bowling.

Hell yeah.

It's so real.

Indie Beverage.

For our money, Tuesday and Wednesday, 11 a.m. to 9 p.m.

Yeah, yeah, you're not open.

Okay, fine.

I'm going to call the bowling alley.

I'll keep this going in the background.

Is it overpowering?

Is it thawing?

No, it sounds perfect, actually.

Bowling alley, bowling alley.

I can be weird about the shoes, the communal shoes.

That's so disgusting.

There's no way I'll ever do that.

I got fucking diabetes, man.

That's how you get your diabetes.

All claims, I'm going to help you.

Yeah, you got them shared shoes here?

I'm sorry?

You got the shared shoes here?

You share the shoes here?

You got to use your shoes?

Hello?

We have shoe rental.

Yeah, I'm here at the lanes right now.

I'm here.

Can I just play my flip-flops or something here?

Nope.

Well, too bad.

I'm not going to fucking get into your shoes.

I don't know if that works, if it doesn't sound at the same time as it does there.

Probably not.

I like the idea of just calling from the bowling alley and talking to them.

Calling people.

I'm at the bowling alley taking a break.

You're too scared to talk to them in person, so you got to call them.

Bowling alley.

Or you're pissed off at the place that you've retreated, you decamped to the bowling alley where it's safe, emotionally for you.

The bowling alley you grew up going to.

Yeah.

Dollars.

There was the funny bowling alley call you did a while ago, you said you didn't want any of the upgrades, and...

I didn't want the bumpers.

Yeah, all that stuff, and the guy's telling you, no, it doesn't matter what it is, you know, it's a flat cost.

just start discount stuff yeah that's that's ten dollars off right there it's ten percent

yeah that's that's probably ten percent of the cost just take that off i don't need that

right off the top i'll start it's all busy i don't even know what i just copied let's see

what it is dollar tree yeah oh yeah hell yeah dollar tree do you want it oh yeah i'll speak

speak to him yeah goodwill no answer it's not happening tonight he's busy yeah all the black

friday people you know crazy goodwill retail store instead we'll bring this one up if i see

they pick up on the other side i'll patch it real quick okay goodwill you want it still or

uh yeah goodwill sure yeah other marked as closed nevermind all right i cleared both lines let me

look for something that's open there's a bargain outlet they open at eight so what time is it oh

because it's 10 o'clock already where i live oh no wonder it's kind of late here i have to go

further out let's go back to the desert oh someone get a strike wow hell yeah you you want a bowling

alley did you oh yeah i can talk about you know i know everything about bowling alleys love them

bowling alleys are great again a great place to be camp well i can't tell you the last time i

i can't remember either i think it's been over 10 years it's a pretty ancient sport yeah oh and

there's some people that really get into it though yeah make some money doing that i'm sorry i'm

trying to find a new area where things are going to be open so i'm just shooting the shit with you

oh no it's fine you're good another chipotle um let's see if they do the shaker like the

i love the whole thing i'm really curious now about this i should go into my local chipotle

Even when they don't

do it, they're still entertaining

the fact, like, oh my god, someone did this.

We gotta get to the

bottom of this. I mean, it's an easy

way to get, you know, a free meal.

Oh my god. They're so corporate.

They don't want to admit it. That's what Wendy's does, too.

Any complaint, they just

cop it, you know. Sorry. Oh my god,

I've got Carl Sanders. He's been

sending me a... Hi, Chipotle.

Yeah, listen, I have a complaint. What are your

salt shakers supposed to be like there?

Yeah, what are your salt shakers there supposed to be?

In the Tabasco containers.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Do you think that's funny?

You think that's funny?

I'm sorry?

You think that's funny that I went to put Tabasco sauce on my burrito bowl

and the goddamn thing got full of salt on top of it?

Like an inch thick of salt on the whole thing?

I had to throw out all the guacamole?

Oh, no, sir.

Tabasco containers, there's some salt containers that have,

I'm sorry, the Tabasco containers have salt in it.

Yeah, but why would you do that?

Because then I go, I open for Tabasco, the bottle says Tabasco, I open it,

I put the hot sauce down to go put it on the burrito bowl a little bit on my guacamole that I got,

and a mountain of salt came out of the whole thing.

It just...

That's how we have, that's how we hold our salt.

Just hold them in the same container.

Same with those peppers.

Well, stop joking around.

Who switched the pepper, who switched the pepper sauce with the salt?

You guys need to take that down.

Someone could over-salt themselves and get very sick and throw up.

Yes, sir, I understand that.

But you can, if you have any requests, you can contact corporate about it, too.

I'm sorry, we don't have control over that.

We just do what corporate tells us.

What about my meal now, though?

You can bring it in, and we can compensate you for that if you'd like.

In the form of some type of coupon or something like that?

Yes, sir.

All right, and does every Chipotle do this, just out of curiosity, or what's the rate?

Yes, like I stated earlier, every Chipotle does do this.

And like I said, we have, there's one that carries the salt and then one that carries pepper as well.

But why? Why do you do this to people? Why?

No, sir, I don't.

You know, I ate the whole thing and I forced myself to eat it because I thought maybe there was something wrong with me.

And I had a large amount of salt and it alkalized my stomach and I threw every single bit of it up again.

Would you like to speak to a manager about this?

Yeah, because I took a shit in my pants and everything. I got so nervous about it.

Okay, sure.

And I wet myself.

Thank you for holding this. This is Stephen. How can I help you?

Hey.

Yes.

I don't appreciate the little prank that your staff member there just admitted to me.

He came clean.

He said that they intentionally changed out Tabasco with salt.

That went all over my food.

I ate it because I thought there was something wrong with me.

I threw up every ounce of food that you folks had sold me,

including the guacamole that you charged me extra for,

and I've already sought legal counsel over this.

So the Tabasco bottles we do have in the lobby,

they are salsas, and they're also salt containers as well.

We did not pull any pranks.

I apologize for any inconvenience you did have.

Well, I'm not, sir, listen, to be quite honest with you,

this is out of my hands now.

I'm seeking Dr. Gaius Baltar.

He's an attorney who I've hired in the past,

and he's on retainer with me. He's one of my lawyers on retainer

and he's definitely going to be reaching out. As a matter of fact, he might even be

on the line now. He can go over the proceedings because he needs some information

from you. Yes, yes. This is Dr. Baltar here.

Is this the manager of the restaurant?

Yes. I do apologize and we will do meals for you.

Well, sir, I think that it's past the taking care of the meal. I think at this

point you know at the very least there needs to be a formal apology um for this i think that the um

that you need to uh say say something to my client here you know he uh he threw up everything and it

was all over the place you know and it's your fault because you wanted to play a a stupid prank

on him i mean how old are you sir let me ask you that i mean this is juvenile i do apologize for

the bad experience uh there was no prank being held at our restaurant and so this is how you

you conduct business you mislabel items you know just for fun is that how we do business sir no

sir can i help you out with anything else today well you can help me out by first apologizing

profusely to my client and very sincerely i need you to go ahead with that convincing now yes please

okay i do apologize again for the experience and like i said we if you would like to come in we

will take care of the bowl for you clear up this misunderstanding all right well sir i also need

I need you to put us on, do you have a speakerphone application there?

Okay, we need to be placed on speakerphone.

I think we need to make a public address to everyone that's in the vicinity.

Just, you know, let everyone know what's happening here.

You know, just get everyone on the same page, I think it's fair.

Can I get your name and number, please?

Well, my name is Gaius, and my number is 12.

You have a great night, sir. It was good talking to you.

I hope to see you in the future, and I apologize again.

What? He just panicked.

oh shit number 12 oh shit oh shit must be some corporate code we got a number 12 oh man

he's got the right phone open now he's getting right to corporate but you need his hd code

oh you're organizing

i haven't had a lot of people call me on that only one person and that's because he googled it

that's awesome good name i like it all right oh i hop oh yeah

busy i guess this depends on where you are except like i have like for me i remember i

went once on thanksgiving i just wanted something late at night and they were slam because they had

one cook and the whole place was fucking packed i was insane oh no yeah that's awful and we were

were like damn but then maybe this is a florida thing but like um like the day after like a lot

of people like i don't want to fucking cook especially if they're out shopping like fuck

that so today's like probably a real busy night yeah i'd imagine so because everyone's you know

eating at home you know the day before everyone's tired of eating home they're like i'm not no more

no more leftovers they've already had leftovers probably that morning fuck that you can't be

be making breakfast and have that amount of large amount of leftovers you know um sonic driving i

have an idea for that recently i have no idea what to be off the top of my head that's always

the worst you think of something and then you know yeah oh man well i write stuff down on sticky

notes and i like i lost a whole bunch of them recently i think i might have oh no yeah and i

had like music and stuff written down that i needed to get like i thought of one one time

i'm in the car and it was a great idea and you know i just by the time i get to my destination

i can't remember it because i'm not gonna pull over in the middle of my trip you know right

yeah that makes sense yeah you know i don't use phone you know while i'm driving you know it's bad

i do a lot of voice commands with it so i can actually say take it hey google take a note and

then say whatever it is and then when i get home when i get to work or wherever i file it

Am I in no application?

Yeah, I do, but it's been, I've been lacking in that the last two months.

I had like a big document going.

Thank you for calling the Cottonwood Home Depot.

For a few hours and directions, press 1.

If you know the three-digit extension of the person you are trying to reach, press 2.

To speak to an associate in one of our store departments, press 3.

I think a good lawyer could start a pretty good lawsuit for people that the whole Chipotle salt thing happened.

Yeah, they seem really, like, you know, willing to give away free stuff over that.

Yeah, might be able to get a good class settlement.

I'll teach them to be a little wacky.

Thank you for calling the Home Depot. Your call is very important to us.

What the hell is that called?

Civil class?

What's that word?

Multiple people are represented in one case, like a lot of people.

Class action, right?

Class action lawsuit, that's what it is.

Yeah, that's it.

Nice settlement out of that.

Everyone get a few bucks?

Mm-hmm.

20 bucks here and there.

For like 30 cents or something, usually.

View visitors to public events were in 2008 and 2015.

There's the PayPal one recently.

Yeah?

I forgot to sign up for that one because they did freeze my account for no reason.

those bastards yeah home depot must be busy i'll keep them there you never know

i mean home depot good place man you know black friday shopping i'm sure they've got some great

deals on lumber and stuff like that this is going to be it though i've gone on for four hours

oh wow four hours yeah 15 minutes that's good give or take 10 15 minutes

really good solid three out of that four all right xyz thanks for being on what's your site

again xyz show that oh yep xyz show that xyz i do appreciate coming on it was a lot of fun

thank you sir all right thanks for being on no problem all right bye all right everybody that's

me that was xyz this is me saying goodbye i'm gonna go i don't know do something else

Awesome.

It's been Frank Coles.

Okay, bye.

Calls (40, 1 h 40 min of 2 h 31 min)

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