Madhouse Radio Christmas Eve ’16

Yes, can I interest your wife in some dick or titties?

Oh, Merry Christmas. One minute.

Yeah.

Somebody needs to speak to you.

Don't know who it is. He says he lives in number 60 and I don't know who the heck they are.

You little bastard.

What happened to the machine? Remember I tell you to go get hot peppers?

Pancho, are you Pakistani motherfucker?

Yeah, motherfucker.

Bitch.

Pancho.

Bitch, let me come to see you, alright?

Bring your sister, I'll fuck her.

Oh, fuck you too.

Yeah, do something.

Macadamia nut.

Oh, nice, yeah.

I'd like to, you know, you'll bet you got some nice strong hands, you know?

I'd like to have them all over my body, you know?

No, I don't think so.

All over my macadamia nuts so you can squeeze them ever so gently.

All right, man.

You know?

I'm done. Have a good night.

I want to smell you and kiss you.

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Carlito commands it.

it all right well i think uh lows is closed i was trying to get a friend of our old a hold of our

old friend a friend of our old hold larry at two world and honore lulu hey i'm carlito i'm the host

of this show tonight i'm here joined with wiggett mcclanahan hey speak up there charlie what'd you

say oh i said yeah my name is dwight i like to masturbate on a nightly basis oh nice very nice

nightly not too good you know somebody's got to feed the women and the children of the third

world countries no don't do it too much man you're gonna waste that make sure your soldiers go down

i get the couple you already have a kid you don't care i make it good that's a hello thanks for

calling best buy in honolulu the hawaiians will be open still today we are open from 7 a.m until

6 p.m tomorrow we are closed any idea what time it is there they're open till six it says

thank you for calling the best buy we are now hiring so what's open tonight dwight we got gas

gas stations we got hotels we got casino machines open we got a lot of stuff we can do man bless it

uh ken you good you had a nice family dinner there i went to macaroni grill uh yeah yeah it

was good do i sound any better somehow my audio got switched to the fucking webcam yeah so i said

you were low there motherfucker but you're good now fucking fucking shit no you're good now don't

Don't get angry at the computer, man, because it'll fuck you up.

Yeah, yeah, it's making decisions, unauthorized ones.

You know why?

You don't have your permission set.

I don't know what I'm trying to get out of here.

Shit, fuck.

Yeah, fuck it.

Let's see how Santa's doing, right?

Let's go ahead and mess with NORAD before it gets too late.

Now, the thing is, sometimes you've got to call a lot,

because last year they got busy.

You had to call in, call, call, call.

Yeah, those fucking kids that should be sleeping and they're not.

Thank you for calling the NORAD Track Santa Operations Center.

All of our Santa trackers are currently on the line with other callers.

Please call back at a later time.

All right, so we'll try again.

I don't like the chipperness of that guy.

I don't either.

He sounds like an elf.

Yeah, he sounds like an asshole.

He's not very male.

Thank you for calling the NORAD track.

We've got to keep doing it until that sounds different.

Thank you for calling the NORAD.

Give us a moment.

We'll get through to NORAD.

Don't worry.

Thank you for calling the NORAD.

Last year they were kind of blah.

They were like, eh, it's not too funny.

Thank you for calling the Nor...

Oh, my God.

Pestles.

Thank you for calling the Norad...

It's a bunch of little fucking kids.

Should be in bed by now.

Thank you for calling the Norad...

They probably only have one person working the phones there.

No, no, they got a few.

This is it, I think.

Calling the Norad Tracks Santa hotline.

Hello, Norad Tracks Santa, this is Chip.

How may I help you?

Hey, Big Chip, how you doing?

Good, how are you?

I'm not good, not good.

My kid's being a little piece of shit.

I need to get a hold of Santa.

Santa, we need to divert him not to come to this house, please.

All right, I'll make a note of that and send it to him.

All right, can I get a confirmation on that, please?

He's very busy right now, but...

Well, I can hold him.

I can hold him.

I'll let him know.

I can hold.

I need to make sure that motherfucker doesn't come here to this fucking house.

All right, hold on.

Hey.

Yeah.

Tell Santa not to come to this house, all right?

Okay.

Yeah, he's...

And I'll tell you what, that's Santa motherfucker him.

I got to go fucking buy the gifts and he gets to fucking glory in the morning, huh?

Bullshit.

Yeah.

Yeah, fuck that, you know what I mean?

Hey, it's life, man.

Hey, what's the current readiness status over there?

Current what?

What's your current operational readiness status?

Your confidence level of reporting?

It's pretty high right now.

Can you confirm that confidence level of reporting is high?

yes uh we uh it's already on its way he already knows uh but other than that have a good night

there's yeah now where's he at now he's in peru south america fuck that did he hit colombia

already uh not not that i've noticed okay good good we want to make sure he doesn't go there if

he comes out of there we need to definitely take an extra look at him you know yeah uh yeah and

when he he doesn't need to be coming over direct over mexico over the border either because people

because those dirty people jump on the sled underneath it,

and then they try to get into the territory.

I think he's too quick for them.

No, no, those Mexicans are quite quick, actually.

They plan for him.

They stay on.

I saw it on 2020.

The Mexicans stay on the roof waiting for him to come,

and when he lands, you don't know, he goes down the chimney,

and then they come underneath the sled,

and they hang on to it as long as they can,

and as soon as they get over American,

like they cross over to Texas or something,

they let go they fall down i like that yeah and the women come over here to have babies so that

the babies have american citizenship yeah so that then they can't leave yep i can believe that

actually all right uh so you definitely got confirmation that santa ain't gonna come to

bring anything this fucking kid of mine right yep all right good good all right is that sergeant

mesa there uh i think he left already shit all right i'm gonna let you go bubba all right hey

Hey, appreciate talking to you.

All right, big guy.

Hey, man, take care.

All right.

Have a good night and Merry Christmas.

I'm sorry about everything, all right?

It's all right.

All right, yeah, I'm sorry, man.

Bye.

All right, thanks.

We have confirmation.

Santa will be in Columbia in one minute, ten seconds.

Thank you for calling the NORAD track.

We've got to get involved with that.

We've got to get someone out.

There's a whole bunch of people there, you hear them?

Yeah.

He's heading for Bogota.

Calling the NORAD track Santa hotline.

Radars indicate Santa has launched off from the north.

Hello, NORAD Track Santa, this is Deb. How may I help you?

Yeah, hi, this is Sergeant Mesa. I'm calling because we need to do an intercept, please.

Okay, I don't know what that means.

All right, well, I understand Santa is, what, in Colombia headed towards Bogota right now?

Yeah, we need to divert him away from there.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, he's heading into a zone where there's an active operation going on right now.

We don't want to risk that.

If you could, can you give me confirmation?

He's having to wait for a training exercise.

Thank you for calling the NORAD Track Santa operation.

Did you ever watch that Narcos show?

You never did watch it, did you, Dwight?

No, I didn't.

You can't afford Netflix.

They don't take bologna coupons.

You want to take one?

Calling the Nora Trek Santa hotline.

I'm not fucking hung alive from being in Kingston, Jamaica in four minutes.

Hi, this is Emily with Nora Trek Santa.

How can I help you?

Yeah, how you doing there?

You guys want to know where Santa is?

Kind of know where he's at.

I'm from Columbia.

Sorry, there's a lot of elves in here.

um so it's kind of hard to hear you guys can you hear me yeah can you hear me yep yep i can hear

you now yeah well listen i already know where santa was he was just here in columbia he just

flew overhead well that son of a bitch came in kind of low and scraped some shingles off of my

house i want to know who uh takes care of this hey santa was already at your house yeah he came

through columbia and he came through kind of low and his sled scraped uh some shingles off the top

of my roof here who takes care of this shit there's a lot of album here can you just say

that one more time i'm really sorry santa he was just here in columbia that's where i live

and he came in yeah he actually just called us to say he um was in columbia and it looks like

he just left he's in kingston jamaica now he's headed there he scraped he scraped some fucking

shingles off of my house when he flew over he came in real low yeah i want to know who's paying for

this does this come out of your pocket or whose pocket does it come out of okay well who cuts the

check to repair my roof there uh elf emily shocking santa oh my god you're stupid you're

fucking you're fucking stupid that's why she works for santa that's why she fucking works for santa

jesus christ what is she like right by every she's like in the middle of him he's oh he's in jamaica

do we gotta intercept that get some more how does it work that fast thank you for calling the norad

I got the track record.

He's sending it to Kingston, Jamaica.

Kingston.

He's high as fuck when he gets there.

If I got to do a Jamaican accent.

Thank you for calling.

You think he's going to get some weed?

Thank you for calling.

Oh, man.

He's going to run a fucking bundle.

Thank you for calling the Nora Trek Santa hotline.

Radars indicate Santa has launched up.

Any ideas in the chat room for Nora?

Let me know.

Oh, they ended it.

Maybe they know our number.

Oh, shit.

It was ended.

You do that.

I could change the ID.

I'm probably sure.

Thank you for calling the Noratrack Santa hotline.

Radars indicate...

Hello, Noratrack Santa.

This is Nikiko.

How may I help you?

Hey, honey.

How are you?

Hey, honey.

Good.

How are you?

Hi, honey, baby.

Hey, is Santa...

I understand he might be near Jamaica soon?

Yeah, he's heading for Jamaica right now.

Oh, good.

I got a package down there coming up.

Do you think he could pick it up?

I don't know if he can.

Well, ask him because I'll let him take a little bit out of it.

It's some really nice weed, you know?

okay yeah and he can he can bring some up and you want some i won't tell well he can um because you

know it's really hard to get it from down there up here because like they they usually um usually

a sosa has a plane he has his pilot and the he has a cessna and he usually flies it right off

the coast from where i live you know and he'll call me on the satellite phone he's like i'm

dropping it man he goes like then he the guy throws it out the back of the cessna and like

Like, it ends up in the ocean, so we've got to usually take my boat and go out and get it.

And we only get it, like, half the fucking time, you know?

And I tried to put one of those tile, you know, tile, those phone, these things you can put on your wallet.

It didn't work.

He's going to Haiti.

Oh, no.

Who the fuck is he going to give gifts to in Haiti?

Oh, no.

Not Haiti.

Oh, hey, God, let's tell him.

He's just going to do a flat-out.

Thank you for calling the NORAD Track Santa Operation Center.

No, it's dangerous.

All of our Santa trackers are currently on the line with other callers.

Please call back at a later time to reach a live operator.

Oh, that was wrong.

In the meantime...

Fucking Sosa.

You remember the pranks last year?

Sosa.

The cocaine bags were stamped with Sosa, we said.

Yeah, in the bean bag, too.

It says Sosa?

Thank you for calling the NORAD Track Santa hotline.

Radars indicate Santa has launched off from the North Pole.

A NORAD Santa tracker will be with you in a moment.

You may want to visit us online for exciting Santa updates at www.NoradSanta.org.

Everyone go there and donate to their Patreon.

Dwight, you drinking tonight? You getting drunk? I always get drunk tonight when I do shows.

No, I'm drinking water at the moment.

I usually drink whiskey on Christmas Eve, right? So this year...

Thank you for calling the NoradTrack Santa hotline.

Radars indicate Santa has launched off from the North Pole.

A Norad Santa tracker will be with you in a moment.

You may want to visit us online...

Shut up.

I usually get...

I mean, for the first time I've ever had this Japanese whiskey, Suntory.

It's real famous out there out of Japan.

Have you heard of it?

Man.

No, but...

It's a 12-year-old single malt.

It's called...

Thank you for calling the Noria Traxena hotline.

Radars indicate...

They got a lot of home time.

He's going to Cuba.

He's going to Guantanamo.

Hello?

Hi, this is Noria Traxena.

Hey, buddy.

How you doing?

We're doing great.

How are you?

Hey, good.

Just a heads up.

Where's Senna at now?

I'm a little concerned.

I'm sorry.

all right can you repeat that i'm a little concerned where's san at now well we're seeing

that uh he's currently in uh in south america oh my god oh my god where where uh santo domingo

santo domingo yes oh my god oh my god we got we got to get him out of there that's dangerous

those people you know they're very dangerous has he been to haiti yet i'm not sure i just came on

ships so i can see because they're on the same island they're on hispanola look if he goes into

haiti we just might as well write it off he's gonna stick out like a sore thumb down there

you know and they all right well merry christmas they will jack them they will jack up for

everything he has down there like they will steal every present out of the sled those

you know how those people are right well merry christmas i hope that center arrives soon well

i hope he's safe can you divert him out of this just tell him to skip hispanola or maybe we get

an escort out there for him.

Even worse is he's heading to Guantanamo

right now.

Guantanamo. Alright.

Maybe we'll mess with him later.

Yeah, that guy right there. He's like, I just came on shift

and this is what I gotta fucking deal with.

He just came on shift and this guy's like,

yo, bro, I don't know, is it 80?

You got a shift going on online?

Last year, Brad was asking

when he went over to North Korea if he could throw poop

on King Jong-un's

house or whatever.

He's on his way to Havana. He's gonna get the fuck

of cigars oh yeah and the rum let me tell you what this suntory whiskey dude it's great it's

like a sweet almondy kind of finish to it i'll tell you what you're not a whiskey drinker but

uh i used to but i used to drink canadian one of those people yeah i usually uh don't drink

canadian whiskey uh did you have any numbers here before i started looking at the looking

for gas stations and stuff that might be uh the only one time i was looking up i was looking

and seeing the

Sex Anonymous meetings.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The fatty meetings

would be great.

It appears that

the fatty meetings

are way to my favor.

They're probably having

a big marathon tonight.

The sex meetings

don't start for another

couple hours,

but the fat meetings

are going.

Yeah, you know

the Overeaters Anonymous

are having a big

foam party tonight,

you know,

because it's Christmas Eve.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, you know,

their social club,

full effect.

Actually, there are

some sex going on there.

Oh, yeah?

About ten minutes.

Ten minutes, ten minutes?

All right, cool.

Sometimes you call it

and they're already going.

to be honest with you so sometimes you call them they're already on uh you know they're already

going fatties some fatties have started all right give me a second let me uh call this gas station

and we'll get to that hey how you doing hey good listen um i want to use your microwave do you have

a microwave there that i can use sure bye-bye son all right i need to make a pot of rice in there

and i got um it usually takes like an hour uh what wattage is that microwave i don't know man

I know all that, dude.

Yeah, all right.

Well, no, because it's a microwavable steam ricer, steamer.

It takes like 45 minutes to an hour, depending on what the wattage is.

You just put it in there, and it makes some rice, you know.

I'm just going to go ahead and leave it in there, and I'll just swim back and pick it up, you know.

I got some hot water you could use.

No, it's got to boil.

You got to boil rice.

You got to cook it under heat for a while.

Yeah, all right.

So I'm going to come.

Did you need me to bring you anything?

No, thank you.

All right, cool.

Cool. Hey, um, you guys busy there today?

Yeah, always.

A lot of people coming in. Well, a day like today, too, you know what I mean?

Yeah, man, come on by anytime.

You're not going to have any lemon in the fucking microwave?

Excuse me?

You're not going to have any lemon in the fucking microwave?

You're not going to give me any shit when I go down there?

You're going to make good rice down there.

It's taking longer in the microwave than to do it in a rice cooker.

Motherfucker, say you're sorry.

Motherfucker, you say you're sorry.

For what, man?

Oh, I'll put a soda bottle in there. I'll put a soda can in there.

All right, why don't you come over right now?

I'm going to put a soda can in the microwave.

All right, man, come through right now.

The bottle is going to break over your head, motherfucker, you.

Yeah, come through right now.

All right, if you're feeling hearty, all right.

You got balls?

I didn't realize I wasn't muted.

I'm sitting there chuckling.

I apologize, motherfucker.

I didn't think I heard that.

I didn't hear the chuckling.

I didn't notice.

I was just under my breath, just kind of sitting there chuckling and shit.

Your call cannot be completed as dialed.

You know what was really good to hear earlier during Matt and Zach's show was Turbo.

Is Turbo on?

I think I take it.

I heard him talking about him.

Well, that's good.

He's doing good.

Beautiful.

Hey, how you doing?

How are you?

You got a microwave there?

No, we don't.

You don't have a microwave I can use if I buy something?

No, the store's closed right now.

What?

The store's closed.

The store's closed now, motherfucker?

Yes.

But I still use your microwave then.

I love when places are closed, but they're still picking up the motherfuckers.

Well, you complain because you usually are good at telling them why you answered.

I'm going to have to change the caller ID for that.

Hello?

Yeah, when can I come down and get a pack of gum?

Fuck.

That sounds crazy.

Is that your real voice you're using?

I activate it in case we end up calling a sex line and we need a girl's voice.

What are you using, Clownfish?

The only way I can use it is if I turn it down before I turn Skype on.

What are you using, Clownfish or something?

What are you using for that?

Oh, no, no.

I'm using Voxel by NCH Software.

All right, everyone.

There, you heard it there.

That's what you use for changing your voice.

I think it was like 20 bucks or something like that for the full version.

They got a trial version, which I tried it out for a while before I actually bought it.

Just sending caller ID here.

We're going to be calling the fatties in a moment, folks.

I know everyone's all excited about that.

Oh, yeah.

So, Dwight, what did you end up eating with your family?

Had some steaks today?

Or did you have some turkey?

Oh, no.

No, we just had, you know, the meat tray, you know, you make some sandwiches.

I made some homemade meatballs.

They were pretty good.

That's it.

It was nothing crazy, you know, double-day.

It was a taco salad.

I had a 12-ounce ribeye, motherfucker.

How do you like that?

Tomorrow I'll get my ham and turkey.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message.

I'm calling about a truck here.

here we go here's a call for tires yeah hey you got some tires for sale i do all right is that

you or your husband has got it it's me oh wow uh so how'd you come across these tires what'd you

do did you steal a car call my phone back i don't know who you are but if you're gonna be that way

don't worry about it no no no i'm really serious i'm sorry i didn't mean this i was just joking

around i'm sorry i'm sorry please hello yeah i'm sorry i was just joking around i'll be serious

is i'm sorry you have them for sale god bless you i'm sorry ma'am ma'am please i'm sorry please god

bless you merry christmas please don't be like that hello for the tires please i really need

the tires real bad please please your call has been forwarded to an automated book that's

reminding me about telling people get stuff out of their hands that's if i put the ad in if someone

puts the ad in for me and they're calling in i tell them to get it out of their ass that's always

was funny i did that with the come on cards ones the show is get them out of your ass i think your

call has been forwarded to an audit if you want to hear that episode it was uh september 12th

2013 it's at madhouse live.com it's called that episode is called get them out of your ass

actually if i remember correctly i might have those edited hang on youtube get them out yes i

think if i go to youtube i can hit them individually let's see yeah i can sweet this is one of the

the ones i did right carlito tells one lady to get them out of her ass hello you want pokemon

cards uh yeah that's what i was calling about oh get them out of your ass what the hell is your

freaking problem get them out yeah why are you fucking posting it on craigslist jerk you get

it out of your ass dare you get it out of your ass fuck you so i don't it's not for women

there you go ken reaching your ass hello did you want pokemon cards yeah okay uh get the ass bomb

uh get him out of your ass you know what get him out of your ass okay reaching your ass and pull

out your pokemon cards there you go are you trying to be funny or what no seriously that's what i

want you to do i want you if you want free pokemon cards to get it out of your ass that's what i

prefer to do that's just a statement it's not a joke i'm just thinking that's what you should do

I believe you can find those items in your ass right in your asshole. You can find them right there

He's gone. Oh, yeah, you want Pokemon cards? Yeah. Yeah, man. Go get them out of your ass

Hey, yeah, I come out of your mother's mother's pussy bitch

And you shouldn't be calling for people rude, dude, because I just I call you on the listing man

Let me put your number. Well, you're a stupid asshole. You keep calling me all the time asking about stupid things

I call you all the time.

This is the first time I call you, you fuck-ass motherfucker.

You keep asking for this stupid shit.

You suck some dick, man.

Grow some balls, dude.

Why do you want Pokemon cards?

I'm a mother fucker.

Why do you want Pokemon cards?

You call me immature and you...

Okay, that makes perfect sense.

Hello?

Yeah, did you want Pokemon cards?

Not after that text.

I didn't know who you were.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know.

I didn't know what you were talking about.

about you just i have someone here who's you know harassing me all the time okay oh did you want

fake ad or is that your ad yeah i have pokemon cards did you want pokemon cards yeah all right

get them out of your fucking ass all right oh you're cute look at you thank you i am cute you

like me i'll do my little dance oh yeah he hasn't shoved up his ass so he wants us to fish him out

Out with a big, giant stick.

No, they're in your house.

Yeah, he likes it.

Use your teeth.

Yeah, you get the idea.

It's even on YouTube, on my channel, Madhouse Radio.

Get them out of your ass.

Yeah, get them out of your ass.

What do you want?

A little bit of Baz and Retarded Ken in there.

Yeah, I forgot Retarded Ken.

Yeah, that's a very young Baz and a very overweight Carlita.

Yeah.

You think Jack in the Box is open?

Let's find out.

I found somebody working at Jack in the Box on Facebook Live the other day.

Yeah?

You harassed them?

Yeah.

Tell them to get them out of their ass.

I said the guy who asked me to meet you didn't like me.

-eleven will be open there's a hampton

inn that might be open well we'll be open this sounds like shit even if they connect it's gonna

be bad. I'm not going for that.

Here's the Hampton Inn. We can do an elevator

call there, Dwight. Do an elevator call?

Yeah, I haven't done one of those in a while. Let me check

my... Is this echo? That's

way too loud. That's way too loud, yeah.

It'd have to be down here. And then I need

the sound effects. I'll be sure

this Hampton Inn has an elevator.

You're right. Let me take a look

at it. Hang on, let me turn this off. And let me

take a look at it. Let's see. Guy.

Here's the guy. Okay.

You're right, Hampton Inn's usually... Well, there's several

stories and i would say they have an elevator right so handicap and get up there oh yeah oh

yeah oh we're good yeah all right an elevator it is those as usual i'm your nephew or what am i

uh brother or something brother brother thank you for calling the cantonians

i got really bad connection and that sounded horrid

hmm well that ain't gonna work that's two in a row that sounded kind of mad bad

nat bat bat um i still love that one where you were sleeping on top of the uh the elevator

down there in hawaii oh my god because she was like really concerned and calling for her

building manager in the mod office yeah manager on duty i think that's what that stands for

hey here's a 7-eleven right across the street from here sounds just fine so we're okay

Yeah, hey, I was arguing with my brother, and I threw a bottle of Suntory whiskey on top of the store, the 7-Eleven.

Was it inside the store?

No, on top of the store.

Like, I was outside.

I was like, you motherfucker, you, and I grabbed it from him, and I threw it on top of the roof.

Okay.

I'm going to go up there and get it, all right?

We are not in charge of it, so if you get caught, that's on you guys.

Yeah, but I'm just saying, because I found out, I called my nephew who's a lawyer,

and he said that if I let you guys know, as long as I let you know, I'm clear.

Yeah, I don't know.

So thank you for telling us.

You want to do this the right way, or you want to do it the hard way?

I don't really care what you do, honestly, but thank you for letting us know.

All right, motherfucker.

I don't want any shit when I go up there.

We're supposed to be doing the customer service.

She's there just to take the fucking money.

Yeah, whatever.

I'll try calling back.

Answered.

Hello?

you answering fucker say you sorry okay all right no luck there that second time all right well look

i can't do anything about it she's pretty much like uh do what you want i don't care start asking

him for the key to like lower the ladder and shit out back so you can climb up yeah all right ah

all right let's see what's next here looking on the map a few more and then we're gonna get to the

fatties i don't like saying that to the overeaters let's look at this hotel here this looks like it's

several stories here yeah okay okay fatties would do well to stay here and avoid the elevator

well you don't think they want to be climbing up the stairs do you there's my help out all right

well it's a shot in the dark this place should have an elevator we're about to find out

the hotel located here in beautiful little italy we appreciate your call and want to assist you the

best that we can for sales and keep hold on while i try that extension let's talk this dress

i can help you yeah uh listen my my brother just uh three-way called me he's apparently there and

i don't i don't know how to really tell you this but he's stuck on the roof of the elevator yeah

i'm on top of the roof of the elevator tell her um on the fifth floor yeah no he like the elevator

The elevator that goes up and does the up and downs, he somehow got on the top of it.

On top of the elevator, tell her that I came up on top.

Are you able to hear him, ma'am?

Hello?

Yeah, I'm able to hear him.

Let me go ahead and call Minas to see if he can help him out.

Can I stay here?

Do you have any instructions for him?

Sorry, what was that?

What should he do?

I'm understanding you're stuck in the elevator on the fifth floor, right?

No, I think he climbed up through the little hatch and he got on top of the elevator.

Yeah.

Okay, one second.

The elevator's still going up and down.

He's just up on top of it.

Yeah, I'm just ragging it up and down.

Tell him I'm late for dinner.

Hello, ma'am?

Hello?

I don't care.

I'm going to call a different hotel.

Which elevator is it?

Is it the main elevator or the second elevator?

Yeah, brother, what elevator are you in?

It's the one that goes up and down.

He said he went through the one with the doors that open horizontally and the elevator goes vertically.

He has two elevators.

Wow, that's the one.

They both do that one?

Yeah.

Brother, she said they both do that.

Ah, shit, motherfucker, you know.

Can they just turn off all the elevators?

Um, we would need to know which one.

I think it's the same.

Is that the main one?

Which one's the main one in the front?

The main one goes all the way to the fifth floor.

Oh, yeah, because I'm on the fifth floor, yeah.

Okay, one second.

Can you turn it off?

Hey, ma'am, ma'am?

Hello?

Thank you for calling part of a total kingfisher.

Motherfucker.

Hello, ma'am.

He said he's upstairs from the elevator.

Yes.

Can you hear me?

The elevator is shaking and all that, but he says he's upstairs.

Okay, then.

He's on the fifth floor.

Hello?

Yes, hello?

Hi, so maintenance is on his way to the fifth floor to see what he could do

because, unfortunately, my GM isn't here.

So I can't turn off.

I don't have access to turning off the elevators, unfortunately.

I'm not sure if he does.

Help me, help.

He said he's been trying to get to dinner and he's late for dinner.

Can you guys drop him down some food into the elevator shaft so he can at least eat?

Help me.

Do you have, like, some candy bars or, like, Pop-Tarts you can drop down there to work?

No, we don't.

One second, I believe that's the maintenance company.

You make cookies? Cookies.

There's Doubletree, you have cookies?

Tell her Doubletree has cookies.

Thank you for calling for the Vito Club, it's Justin, I can help you.

Hello? Hello?

Hi, can I help you?

Thank you for calling for the Vito Club, it's Justin, I can help you.

What is this? My brother's stuck in an elevator and it's just business as usual over there.

No, no, I'm dentro.

There was a boy in the elevator and he said that up there, you know how it opens up there, there's a door?

He said he got in there and he's up there in the elevator.

He's there.

She's explaining.

Hello, quick question, what room is your brother in?

He's not in the room, he's in the elevator.

No, is he staying with us?

No, in the elevator.

I don't stay there, I just went in there to hide.

I came in here to use the bathroom in the lobby and to hide in the elevator.

I come up here and I smoke cigarettes and I drink whiskey and I masturbate.

But I don't have permission to be here.

That's why I'm scared.

Okay.

Maintenance should be in the elevator.

Maintenance is trying to look for a way to help you out.

I just need you to be calm.

You're not going to tell anybody I'm not supposed to be here, right?

Sorry, what was that?

You're not going to tell anyone I'm not supposed to be here, right?

You're not going to tell nobody?

Unfortunately, I have to call my GM about this situation.

Because if we don't have any other way...

No, please, no.

I have no other choice. I'm sorry, sir.

Please, no. Come on, no. Please.

Please come on. Do anything. Come on. No, please. I'll be in trouble.

I'm sorry. I would get in trouble if I don't call.

Just keep it secret. Secret. No one's going to know. I won't tell.

Just let me out, please, and I'll never come back, I promise, please.

Okay, my maintenance is just trying to see a way that he could help you out,

where he could take you out.

One second.

Because I can't open it.

I can't open it.

Okay, one second.

Thank you.

I'm starting to feel this whiskey, Dwight.

Cheers.

Hey.

Are you drinking up on an elevator, brother?

Oh, yeah.

My whiskey up here.

Canadian whiskey, my bologna sandwiches.

Your bologna coupons?

I made four bologna sandwiches.

I packed them up here.

You haven't defecated yet, have you?

Oh, that's awesome.

I'm going to have to piss soon, though.

That Santa guy, he's a real motherfucker.

Oh, Santa.

We still got a lot of call.

We got fat women and men.

Sex.

Sex women.

You never hear any women on that line.

I found a women omen.

That's a good place to pick up chicks.

Move me to the basement of the elevator.

Oh, shit.

We're just waiting for her to come back with an update.

I guess.

Poor Santa Raiden.

Heisenberg too.

Call him.

Mr. Portsome guy came in and showed me his penis.

He told me it was okay because he's Santa.

I don't think he was Santa.

Did he come to Pennsylvania yet?

No.

Should we keep this going?

I don't know. This lady is a little like us.

Although we should probably tell them there's nobody up there so they don't...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we can do that.

I'll call 7-Eleven in the meantime here

let's take this echo off

alright here we go

you want to do a corporate call

see if we can get some Diet Coke machine going

we were discussing that

I'm really bad at getting them to

believe that I'm corporate

I don't know why

it's one of my weakest points

Brad's really good at that

so if Google Maps will cooperate

I can get the number

oh man I want to hear those calls

my favorite second thing is

It's like, whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

We're the best of the guy who knows what it does.

And he still did it.

He does it anyway.

He still fucking did it, yeah.

Hey, won't this go spray up?

Oh, it did.

Hello, this is 7-Eleven.

How you doing?

This is Mike Rafferty over here at the 7-Eleven corporate office.

How are you?

I'm fine, and you?

Oh, I'm doing just great.

Listen, I'm calling regarding the recall that came through today.

Did you get that memo?

Excuse me?

Did you get the recall on the Diet Coke that came through earlier today?

Today, Diet Coke, maybe in the morning, the delivery?

Yeah, it was on the two liters of Diet Coke.

Yeah, yes, I have.

Yeah, yeah, you got the recall on that?

No, I don't think so, but maybe in the morning, my manager, yes.

Well, the situation is there's possible contamination of the Diet Coke,

So we need to go ahead and do a quick spot check on the Diet Coke to make sure that it's okay to continue selling.

Do you have a quick minute?

Yeah, it's good.

Okay.

Why don't you go ahead and get me a two liter of Diet Coke and bring it back to the phone.

Okay.

Hello.

Yes.

Hello.

How are you?

Hi.

What elevator are you stuck in?

Excuse me?

What elevator are you stuck in?

Me?

Can you hear me?

me yeah yeah sure uh what elevator are you stuck in me i i don't know what what did he say

the elevator no no not a elevator uh 7-eleven store i work 7-eleven store six seven um one

second okay okay go get the diet coke excuse me go get the diet coke two liter two liter diet coke

Coke, what do you need?

I need you to go get it for me, please.

Excuse me?

Go get the two liter of Coke and bring it to the phone.

Bring?

Yes, carry to the phone.

No, what do you mean, sir?

I don't understand.

With your hands that God gave you, pick up two liter of Coke, bring it to the counter.

Okay, you need the counter?

Yes, two liter of Coke, Diet Coke, you bring it to the counter.

Excuse me, for what purpose?

We're going to test, do test, I with corporate office.

us you called the manager all the morning i work i call you excuse me i called you you

fucking bhenchod he knows bhenchod all right all right the hotel's still connected that's really

funny he's like no no no i don't i didn't think i was gonna work on it because he was taking

he was way too english impaired damn since she started talking i'm like nope nope yeah mute

you may you may hear them come back so they're still connected we'll see here's a different

and 7-Eleven. Maybe they speak English. Diet Coke calls. Hello? So I need your name and number so I

could tell the police that they can help you out. No, no, please. No, no, no, please. No. I'm sorry,

sir. This is the only way I can help you out. I need a name and number. I'll come down. I'll come

down on my own then. Okay. I'm coming down. I'm coming down because no. But which elevator are

you coming down i'll tell you no no what elevator are you coming down no no because you calling

to get me in trouble no they're not coming on my own i'll come down and no i'm not calling them to

get you in trouble sir i just need your information so they can help you out no no no no no no i don't

want trouble no no i'll figure it out i'll figure it out here i'll open the door i'll open the door

from up here and i'll come down like a snake no i'm sorry sir but i do need your information to

help you out in order to help you out no no no i don't stay here i don't have to give you anything

i know my right unfortunately we have to call them we don't know which elevator it comes from

our maintenance went up there and couldn't find you oh maybe i'm not there i got the wrong hotel

then maybe you know sorry what was that i have the wrong hotel i have the wrong hotel

What hotel are you at?

I don't know what it's called.

Can you tell me where the hotel is located at?

It's in Sosa.

Sosa?

It's where?

Sosa.

Sosa?

Yeah.

Sasso Sosa.

In what area?

Sasso.

Can you spell that for me, please?

S-A-S-S-O Sasso Sosa.

Tell me how many floors the elevator goes up to?

Like H.

H?

Mm-hmm.

Eight elevators?

No, H.

H, like Hector.

Like H, like hotel, H.

It goes up to H floor?

Mm-hmm.

We don't have a level.

Oh, shit.

Do you have Saso Sosa?

No.

Okay, well, then you're stupid.

Um, okay.

All right, stupid.

You're wasting my fucking time, you know?

Because I have to come down.

Um, I'm sorry.

Unfortunately, you called the wrong number.

Okay, well, unfortunately, you wasted my fucking time, you know?

Okay.

All right, motherfucker.

No problem, then.

You son of an asshole.

Okay.

All right, go to hell.

Have a nice night.

Go to the hell.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas to you, too.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

I hope she doesn't call the police now.

That was a whole move to try to get her not to call the police.

I'll come down like a snake.

I started fucking with us.

Snake just come down.

Here's another similar one.

I was like, give them the snake eyes when you get down to the desk.

Why are we launching again?

All right, 7-Eleven again.

Let's try this.

This is a different one.

Okay.

Yeah.

Hello, 7-Eleven?

Hi, 7-Eleven.

This is Mike Rafferty down here at the corporate office in Dallas, Texas.

How are you?

Good.

That's great.

Listen, I'm calling regarding a memo that was sent out earlier about the recall on the

two liters of Diet Coke.

Did you get this memo?

Huh?

What did you say?

Sorry?

There was a recall on two liters of Diet Coke?

Please.

Are you aware of this?

Yes, Diet Coke, two liters.

Yeah, Diet Coke, two liters.

We've got to do this in another town, dude.

Okay, what we need to do, because there is a possible contamination of the two liters of Diet Coke,

could you please grab a two liter of Diet Coke and bring it to the phone?

a lot how many just one just bring one to the phone yeah this price is

okay open the two liter of diet coke why because we must test to make sure that it is not

contaminated or icky yes yes very big problems with two liters of diet coke and we must do tests

to make sure that they are not bad yes okay yes we must test please open two liter of diet coke

you know what you take diet coke two liter you put it up your ass and have a merry fucking

christmas okay next time let me talk to the man let me talk to the man okay okay one second yeah

make it happen remember i tell you guys go get hot peppers what are you talking about sir how

you doing this is mike rafferty at the corporate office of 7-eleven in dallas texas how are you

fuck are they laughing about what the fuck they hung up they're stupid like they're sitting there

telling inside jokes and shit oh my god i told you that moment would be calling me

uh maybe if i change we were on a roll that one night man we had like three or four in a row do

it yeah that one guy took it back to his office too i'm changing the city we're going a little

little bit more north in california maybe this will help yeah that one uh that one guy was smart

he took it to the sink and he's like oh shit oh shit it just it just shot in the air like

really how high did it go oh man yeah i see people shooting here like 7-eleven corporate

office i need that number four i got that corporate uh and it's funny how you explain

they're like won't it uh explode in the air and then you just don't know they took that chemical

out yeah so it doesn't do it anymore and they're like oh oh yeah yeah okay that's really it's

always like oh yeah yeah yeah yeah okay i gotcha sure uh if i copy paste to work we can move on

they can't even english i don't yeah these they couldn't speak english i think everything except

for diet coke you said at first it's just like wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow to them the first

The first guy that we got to speak with at the hotel, he was real close to making us sound like Diet Cock.

Yeah, he was real close.

All right, here's another one.

This is in L.A.

Let's do this.

Come on, we can do this.

We've got to get one of these.

What do we call the fatties?

Come on, let's do it.

Everyone dance.

Meringue time.

Salsa, rather.

7-Eleven

How you doing

This is Chris Hansen with the 7-Eleven Corporate Office here at Dallas, Texas.

How are you tonight?

All good, thank you.

Good, fantastic.

The reason I'm calling tonight is regarding the recall on the 2-liter size of Diet Coke.

Were you made aware of this?

Sorry, say again, please?

I'm sorry, what was that?

Sorry, I didn't get you. What do you mean?

Oh, there was a recall issued for the two liters of Diet Coke for possible salmonella contamination.

And what I'm calling for tonight is we need to run a spot check on the two liters of Diet Coke at your location to make sure that they are okay to stay on the shelves.

All right.

And I need you to assist me with doing a quick check to make sure they're okay.

and if they're okay they can stay there

if not I'll have you take them off the shelf

and we'll send someone to retrieve them tomorrow

okay no problem

so if you could go ahead and retrieve me

one two liter of

Diet Coke and bring it back to the phone

alright thank you

yeah he's stupid

he didn't understand any of that

thank you

yes sir yes sir

so my grandfather when he was in Korea

in the Korean war he said that they put him in a position

and answer the phone

and he didn't speak English

so all he would do

is pick up the phone

and say yes sir

yes sir

and he's like

Carlito I hang up

I don't know what the fuck

they say to me

I'm like oh my god

so who knows

what orders he got

all my job was to do

was answer the phone

I go yes sir

yes sir

that's all he ever said

and they're always happy with him

all he hears is like

rah rah rah rah rah rah

yes sir

rah rah rah rah rah

yes sir

okay bye

bye

okay

oh my grandfather was a traitor

Okay, fine.

That guy, man.

That's a crazy story.

Korean War, man.

Heisenberg wants someone to take a survey for Trump to round them up and put them in camps.

I was saying that in the chat.

I was fucking around because I am a liberal.

I was saying, fucking liberal state.

Don't even speak English.

All right, well, I got to go further north.

Maybe we got to go into Oregon.

Get away from these Mexicans, eh?

Usually, at least the Indians are following, right?

They're like, okay, okay.

I get the way you do it.

I've got to come.

Actually, I think the Indian was the one that did it.

It was like, oh, shit, oh, shit.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

All right, here we go.

This is in Oregon.

This is Cody.

How you doing, Cody?

This is Mike over here at the corporate office in Dallas, Texas.

How are you tonight?

I'm good.

That's great to hear.

Listen, I'm calling regarding the recall of the Diet Coke that was issued earlier today.

Did you get that memo?

Personally, no.

It was probably before my shift.

Gotcha.

you uh what i'm calling about is there was a uh a recall issued on the two liters of diet coke

uh for possible uh contamination inside what they're saying back at the bottling plant is

some metal shavings possibly got inside of the two liters of diet coke so what i've been tasked

with doing is actually calling with possible infected stores and doing a quick spot check

over the phone uh so what i would need you to do are you busy at the moment or do you have about

two minutes to help me out yeah i can help you okay one i need to have happen uh if you could

go ahead and bring uh just one of the two liters of diet coke to the telephone for me real quick

yeah and uh i'll go ahead and read through the procedure book and see where we go from there

i have one one two liter of diet coke okay and through the visual inspection does it appear that

the seal is uh currently tight it has not been broken okay and what i'm going to have you do

do go ahead and open the two liter of diet coke and what you're going to listen for is make sure

that you do hear that crack seal and go ahead and open that and what we'll do is after excuse me

after that's been opened up um i'll have you write that down we'll write that off uh for the

corporate office and the corporate office will take that take care of uh reimbursing that tomorrow

so go ahead and just make sure to listen for that correct okay and it did appear to be under

under pressure is that right okay uh now if you just take a look in the bottle do you see any type

of silver or any type of material that shouldn't be floating in your typical soda no no not to

your knowledge okay what we need now is a reactant uh just to what it'll do is a react with metal

shavings give me just a moment i'm just looking through the book as something we would have in

store that would work with this let me flip the page here sorry i'm holding you up here i'm just

reading through this book i don't know why they don't have it on a computer right now it'd be

much easier to search through uh it says that do you have the regular mentos there not the fruit

ones but the regular ones of what mentos check okay it says the regular ones will react with the

with the metal shavings but the fruit ones will not so what you would do is just get a tube of

those and we're going to use those to see if that's going to be contaminated or not no we're

not going to do that because it'll explode oh no i know i've heard of that they actually went in

uh the chemical that that reacts with they took that out of the diet coke about two years ago

yeah i know exactly no i'm still i'm still not going to do it i'm sorry i'm still not going to

to do it well if you're really concerned then you can take it back into the into the back area where

the sink is i have i'm busy so i'm just going to have you call tomorrow if you can in the morning

shift when my manager's here so that they can work through it because i can't i like i'm by myself

right now well then we i gotta have you remove all the diet coke off of the shelf because we

can't have a sitting there with a possible contamination there okay i can take all of

them off right now okay yeah i'll have to have you go ahead and do that because we can't have

would just sit in there if there's metal shavings inside of it that's a big lawsuit yeah and uh so

we'll go ahead and go ahead and have you do that and i'm gonna go ahead and write you up for some

insubordination okay that doesn't mean anything to me uh well it will it's gonna go into your

employee file that i'm gonna tell my manager that you called and that you were having me do

things i wasn't comfortable doing when i was busy what's the matter sweetie are you triggered she's

She's gone.

Are you triggered?

What are you talking about?

The sex addicts?

That's what they say.

You're triggered, people.

All right, Joey, never mind.

Hey, real quick.

Joey Boots, most people know about this now,

but Joey Boots from Howard Stern Whack Packer fame died today.

Well, not necessarily died today,

but was found dead today by High Pitch Eric,

who used to kind of work with us when we were on PCU

and with Dr. Lego and all that.

uh zolar knows these cats joey boots um yeah that sucks man they uh i guess he was late to a podcast

appearance and they sent high pitch eric over to his apartment to look for him and he uh wouldn't

respond to the door and he had the building manager let him in and from what i heard it was

it was live on the air somewhere but um they said he was cold to the touch he had been dead for a

while already so that's joey boots he didn't really contribute much and i'm not really a

howard stern fan anymore because howard stern that's a whole another topic i don't want to

get into but he's a motherfucker anyway here's a prank call by joey boots give me a second while

we uh i need to coordinate getting the if if you can give me the number for the fat what is it

overeaters i always instantly go to say fat but it's just overeaters and yes howard stern does

dwight you're reminding me in chat howard stern does that's still some stuff it's still your stuff

flat ronnie listen to you call yes let's listen to this call and let's listen to the call here

Here is Joey Boots calling into a sports show and talking some very gay thoughts.

I have no idea if this is funny.

I've never heard this before.

So we're about to find Joey Boots' prank call on YouTube.

Let's see.

Oh, we got a caller.

Weird looking, but I'm going to put him through.

Hello.

See, all right, Dwight.

See, this is them where they started stealing your blog talk stuff.

After you were doing blog talk for a while, then all of a sudden, I don't know how it

started, you hear them doing blog talk radio prank calls.

Caller, what's your name and where you calling from?

Hello.

I had a good time hanging out.

Oh, you hang out with me this week?

What do you do?

I'm not a gay dude this weekend.

How was that?

Fuck on it, dude.

Wow, really?

What the fuck?

That's fucking Dwight.

You know what, man?

Get that crazy dude off today.

I'm about to.

I'm all for it.

Wow.

That's like third beta, but Dwight.

Yeah, fucking what?

I never heard this before, man.

Fuck Howard and his fucking people.

And that?

Well, Joey Boots was cool, though.

How'd that just happen?

I don't know.

That dude is crazy.

Yeah, that was some moist stuff, dawg.

Yo, don't disrespect my damn show like that no more, man.

Matter of fact, man, forget the number, man.

Don't you ever call my damn show again.

That was the most ignorant, rude...

Oh, wow.

Yo, I'm a goofy dude, but don't ever call the show, bitch.

Oh, snap, we got two new callers.

Is that right?

What's your name and where you calling from?

West Night, like, I was...

Oh, God, man.

Really?

You serious?

Number down, man.

And make sure when you see it...

I already exited, but I know what it look like, though.

Make sure you don't...

Hey, anybody else out there?

Who called with that dumb stuff like that?

Oh, God.

Absolutely.

Go ahead and go to the next caller, nephew.

All right.

I don't know who this dude is, man.

It's really pissing me the hell off, man.

It's been pissing me the hell off.

What was you saying, nephew?

What I was saying before we was rudely interrupted.

With some bullshit.

That's what that was.

What's the matter, nephew?

We have restricted caller and we have a 747 caller.

Caller, put that one in.

I think I might know who that caller is.

I think you got this.

You know what?

No more calls, man.

No more calls for the day, man.

No more calls.

And I apologize for the rest of the Locker Room Talk radio world if you're trying to call in.

Because there's a dumbass that keeps calling Joe.

Nice job, Joey.

That was great.

Damn, that's some injury.

I don't know who this motherfucker is.

But I love how the guy gets so excited.

Boy, the phone.

Whatever.

Well, the funniest part about it isn't what the guy is saying.

It's the guy on Blog Talk having to defend himself.

like i didn't hang out with nobody last fucking week yeah yo he's defending himself like i don't

know this motherfucker he's looking for an alibi to back him up he's like wanting the co-host to

like be like you know dude i know you're not fucking gay you know but it never comes yeah

he's just like yeah i don't know you want this restricted number or this 747 number

all right here's one another 7-eleven this is an oregon still trying this 7-eleven how you doing

This is Mike down here in Dallas, Texas, at the corporate office.

Excuse me.

How are you?

I'm fantastic.

If I get rid of this cold, I'd be even better.

I was calling regarding the recall on the Diet Cokes.

Did you guys get the memo down there earlier today?

Let me go get my assistant manager for you.

Fantastic.

Okay.

Hold on one second.

Thank you.

Hello.

Hi, how are you doing?

Excuse me.

This is Mike Rafferty down here at the corporate office in Dallas, Texas.

Texas and I was calling to just touch base with you guys about the recall on the two liters of

Diet Coke and to make sure that you'd gotten the memo on that. I used the two liters Diet Coke.

Yeah yeah yeah. Did you guys get the get the memo on that? Not yet. It didn't come in yet? No not yet.

All right because what we got going on is we got a notice from the bottling plant that one of the

The machines had a malfunction and some metal shavings possibly went into the two liters of Diet Coke.

And so what we're doing is we're doing some quick spot checks.

They actually gave us some numbers of stores where the merchandise possibly went to.

And so we need to do a quick spot check to make sure that the compromised merchandise is not at your location.

Do you have about two minutes to help me out?

Uh-huh. Sure.

Okay.

What we need to do here, can you go ahead and retrieve a 2-liter of Diet Coke off of your shelves?

Yeah, sure.

I just got one left, that's it.

One left, okay.

Go ahead and grab that one.

Yeah, yeah.

And let me have you go ahead and visually inspect the seal on the 2-liter there.

Does it appear to be fully intact and sealed?

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Let me have you go ahead and open the 2-liter of Diet Coke,

and what i want you to listen for is that crack of the seal to confirm that it was sealed okay

and let me know when that's complete and let me know if you did hear the crack of the seal

hey hello yes uh we are out of diet coke sir we don't have none right now yeah okay well that's

fantastic uh let me ask you this before i let you go uh how many fingers i'm sorry how many fingers

On what?

How many fingers?

Like, the fingers on your hand?

How many fingers?

Five.

You can put five fingers in your ass?

Excuse me?

Can you place all five fingers inside your asshole?

Yes.

What's his deal?

God damn it, man.

People are saying it'll work with regular Coke.

No, it won't.

No, it's just Diet Coke.

It's just Diet Coke.

Yep, it will not work with regular Coke.

Nope, it doesn't work with anything.

It doesn't work with Diet Pepsi either.

It's a Diet Coke machine.

Nope, it's Diet Coke or no.

I don't know what the science is behind it, but yeah, it's Diet Coke.

and and it's doesn't it have to be the mint mint mentos or does it matter yes it has to be mint

you cannot use the fruity shit i don't know what the science is behind that hey you have to look

that up all right um we'll we'll touch back on that later i'm sure we'll get one going i always

love doing that stuff but we have a conference to get to yes let's do it uh this is they usually

We usually get really into it around the holidays.

This is the Overeaters Anonymous, right?

Or as Dwight likes to call them, What the Fat is.

Yeah, this one started about an hour ago.

I don't know if it's still going.

If not, I've got the one that just started.

All right.

We'll find out.

I mean, it's good that we have two.

Thank you for calling our telephone meeting.

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Gaining weight.

Of course, when you're a kid, you don't think about what the possible consequences might be of compulsive eating.

And I would go to my grandmother's house.

And those were the days when you could buy candy for a penny, pieces of candy.

And I would, you know, get a dollar from my grandmother and go and buy a dollar worth of penny candy.

And...

Please, your hand is raised.

I need very long to eat all of that candy.

My hand is raised.

And...

They might have this one moderated.

My dad was an alcoholic growing up.

Maybe.

I'll give you the next one.

others, and various other numbers, relatives.

Please press 1 to mute or unmute yourself,

4 or 6 to decrease or increase the conference volume,

7 or 9 to decrease or increase your volume,

0 to hear the current conference count,

or 8 to exit.

To play whatever electronic pinball games, I think they were called then.

Yeah, they have some kind of control.

And cool. And we'd go outside to play. There were other kids there. Usually my cousins were there.

And, of course, we would get a lot of junk food to eat there.

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I didn't like having to clean up.

There's another one running, too, concurrently.

And so it was kind of, let's cut this back.

We can have a good meal without, we don't have to have everything.

and everybody has to have whatever is favorite.

Please press 1 to mute or unmute yourself.

4, you are now unmuted.

Then later on in the past few years,

if my mother got old...

Wait until later for that one,

because it may just be filling up, you know what I mean?

You got another one?

Let me try that other one from before.

Let me try star 61.

...to a seizure, then fuck your mom,

hit the skin to amnesia.

She don't remember shit, two hits in the...

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You became my friend, and I was really lonely in planning strategies of ways to move back to where I would be

because I had started getting bullied in junior high.

Please press 1 to mute or unmute yourself. You are now unmuted.

Daily thing, not physical bullying, but emotional abuse of being called names.

Sexual abuse also is bad.

So I was being bold.

Yeah, go ahead and mute yourself.

Star 1 would mute you.

Oh, my goodness.

I'm sorry.

Go ahead, Sherry.

I thought I was on mute.

I'm sorry.

Forgive me.

Okay, go ahead, Sherry.

Please press 1 to mute or unmute yourself.

We've got two going on.

I'll keep that one on hold.

4 or 6 to decrease or increase the conference.

And I don't remember getting a lot of support from my channel.

All right, you've got a third one going.

Let me connect the one also here then.

Emotional abuse.

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Yeah, there's just somebody making some trouble on the line,

but I just booted them off the call.

If they come back on, I'll boot them off again.

So don't worry.

Yeah, you can go ahead and keep going.

Please press 1 to mute or unmute yourself,

four or six to decrease or increase the confidence you are now unmuted so okay you are now muted

i think when i put one on hold and started playing music to them

they might have already gotten themselves off okay go ahead sherry keep going i don't think

you know my parents gotten themselves off maybe my dad's drinking please press one you are now

unmuted oh yeah I got myself off yeah gobble up this dick please press one you

are now muted somebody can call the administrator or the on dashboard right

now so it takes a second to kick someone off but yeah please press one you are

You are now unmuted.

You have been kicked from the conference.

Thank you a lot of support from my parents.

You know, because of the issues at school, I was the oldest of five children.

It was coming up as the 800 number.

So they have an online dashboard they can check.

It's almost like blog talk.

It is felt, you know, it was a different time.

This is another conference.

I don't know how many people are in this one.

There wasn't anything.

There's only a few.

But I know that anyone could do about it.

Shut up, bitch.

Thank you for calling our telephone meeting.

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There are currently 70 other participants in the conference.

And when I was old enough, I got a job.

Do you want to share?

Do we can play?

Just listen to the story and then share.

You can share.

In the dietary department of one of the local hospitals.

I want to do a voice.

Like my demon voice and just yell like candy bars.

It would just be, like, ready to muter us again, if you don't mind.

Yeah, tell me when you're ready.

Yeah, go ahead.

We weren't supposed to, of course, but, you know, that didn't stop me or a lot of the other teenagers

or the people who worked there from doing it, you know, going up.

Please press 1 to mute.

You are now unmuted.

On the way to bring candy bars.

Please press 1 to mute.

You are now muted.

Oh, keep going, sorry.

Bringing nourishment to patients, you know, we would make, I would make extra treats and then stop the elevator and eat them.

I would go pick up left over food from various areas in the hospital, like sweet rolls and, you know,

eat several of them before I got back to the dietary department.

department and the nuns please press one to mute you are now unmuted that would stop you have been

kicked from the conference he was watching just waiting for me to come off of you to see who the

person is motherfuckers oh shit all right let me change the idea again

and going to the store

and eating a whole

package of cookies on the way home.

Alright, we're looking, we're looking.

You know, and I realize now

that was my way of coping with

what was going on at home.

Did she just have this beat

without the words?

And then she's just talking?

It could be a rap song.

It didn't become a major issue until...

Yeah, just instrumental.

Ate all the egg cookies.

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You eat less at a meal.

It was really candy, but they couldn't sell it.

Please press want.

You are now unmuted.

You are now muted.

Sell it as something to help people lose weight.

The progression, you know, my illness just progressed over time.

And I just kept increasing the amount of food I ate.

And then when I...

Please press want.

You are now unmuted.

because my clothing sizes would change so often.

You have been kicked from this conference.

Oh!

I waited too long.

Sherry, just so you know, there's somebody who I can kick someone off the line,

but they can always call back in.

So there's just a consistent loop of they're coming on, I'm booting them off.

Please press 1. You are now unmuted.

Kind of ignore it. I'll get it.

I can get them off within a couple of seconds.

Don't talk about me, bitch.

I'm from the future.

Fuck you.

You have been kicked from this conference.

That was the other line that I had.

She went over there to warn him about us.

Oh, my God.

All right.

Let me call that other line.

That's awesome.

She went there to warn him.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, that third number you gave me is the same as the first one.

That's awesome, though.

I gotta change my idea each time

Yeah, they got quite a few meetings tonight

They had one at 10

They had two at 11

Three at midnight

Or no, two at midnight

Another one at 1

Or no, they got two more at 1

Then they jumped to like 5am

Oh, they'll still be on there talking

Mastermind

Thank you for calling our telephone meeting

You may enter the conference number

Followed by the

There are currently four other participants in the conference.

Jobs in the area that people can get where they can get jobs.

Mm-hmm.

Please press 1.

You are now unmuted.

Poverty.

Could there are jobs for some people?

Please press 1.

You are now muted.

A little bit higher standard of living.

Yes.

You know, it's a very unique experience.

It's much harder for them to get us when there's a lot of people.

You know, there's just generational.

And then at 70-something, she has to watch to see who pops up.

Feelings of, you know, betrayal by the U.S.

Please press 1.

You are now unmuted.

You know, the reparations that the government has tried to make.

Grape drink, bitch!

Merry Christmas!

I'm in, sweetheart.

Fuck you, bitch.

Hey, how you doing?

Yes, can I share, please?

Yeah.

Okay.

I just wanted to see, I don't know if you guys have any coping mechanisms as far as imagery is concerned.

like the prevalence of eating in television and such?

Yes, go ahead.

Okay, I thought I got kicked off.

Yeah, I think my biggest concern is the fact that, you know,

tomorrow we're going to have a turkey,

and I find the turkey to be very hard to resist,

even though it's a fowl, you know, bird.

It's a bird meat.

It still is pretty buttery in the way it's made and such, in the stuffing.

And I find myself unable to control myself when it comes to it.

I try to justify it by taking the skin off,

But in reality, I'd make up for that by eating three, four times a normal serving

because there's just so much available, you know.

Part of the problem also being the fact that the turkey is so sexual looking,

the way you cook it, it kind of just sits there with his legs open, you know,

spread eagle, legs akimbo.

Recognize the moderator pin you entered.

Please reenter your moderator pin followed by the pound sign.

That's not necessary.

Please, no.

Hello?

Yeah, I'd say...

What's going on?

Yeah, I was wondering about coping mechanisms around the holidays with turkeys.

Yeah, I've been listening.

Yeah, this is not a question and answer meeting.

There's no cross-talk on this meeting.

We don't answer questions.

Well, Marguerite told me to call in that I could ask that question here.

No, well, they told you wrong.

We don't ask.

We don't answer those questions.

You can maybe try the other PIN, the 428-5115, but those questions aren't answered here.

We don't do question and answer.

Is Margaret here?

Margaret, you say that I can call, and she gave me this PIN and everything that I can call for questions.

No?

No, this is not a question and answer meeting.

What, is this just out of the big book?

No, this particular meeting tonight is the breakdown of the St. Francis prayer.

Hey, Gabby.

Yeah, me and Flora.

It was just Dixie and I for so long.

We just decided to do sharing, open sharing.

Yeah, I was on.

Okay, yeah, I was on listen.

I had gotten on a little late.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you know, I don't know if you're trying to get a rise.

Lord, make me an instrument of peace.

I don't know if you're trying to get a rise out of us.

Make me an instrument of your peace, where there is hatred, let me so love.

Why don't we just get it?

Where there is injury, partner.

Can we mute him?

Laura, are you on the moderator code?

I don't have the moderator code.

Laura, are you?

I'm not on the moderator code.

All right, I'll come back in on it.

I'll be back.

Okay, thank you.

I have the moderator code.

Thank you for the serenade there, but we don't sing at this meeting either.

This is the prayer of St. Francis in Spanish being sung.

That sweetheart doesn't know that we would really be glad to have him, but we want him to be nice.

We can't let people stay on this meeting if they aren't nice.

Oh, but I'm being nice. I was singing the prayer.

Any way that are disruptive or trying to be smarty pants or something.

It sounded like a song to me.

That's why I said that when you were reciting the prayer, it sounded like a song to me.

Let's watch our language.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Well, it is the prayer of St. Francis.

And there's a song that goes,

Well, honey, we speak English on this program.

Well, there's an English version.

and Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

It's a bilingual song.

Did you hear what the moderator told you?

Because we had bilingual mass English and Spanish,

and that was one of the songs in it because you had a refrain in English and Spanish.

Did you hear what the moderator told you?

What did she say?

You didn't hear?

Because we don't sing.

I was singing.

We don't sing because she told you.

There's no singing.

Oh, that's...

Sing.

I'm drinking some whiskey.

I got the Suntory whiskey.

Honey, if you've got problems with your hearing, we suggest you see a doctor.

Don't be a fucking bitch.

God damn, motherfucker.

Fucking cunt.

Okay, we're going to have to get you off the line, guy.

You got a big vagina or something?

What's your problem?

You big, fat, hairy pussy you use over there.

You have a big knife, sir.

I smoke tuna.

God bless you.

Yeah, whatever.

You owe me a rib.

Did you know St. Francis had the stigmata on his hands?

He had the actual stigmata appeared on his hands.

You know what that is?

It's the wounds in Jesus' hands that get crucified.

Does that relate to the program of Overeaters Anonymous?

Well, why are you talking about St. Francis anyway?

You said something about his prayer.

It's ridiculous.

What is that going to do for me in overeating?

About let me be an instrument of your peace and where there's hatred, let me sow love.

Why don't you think about the prayer that it says, where there is hatred, let me sow love.

It says that in the prayer.

You're such a sweetheart.

Well, I'm just saying, St. Francis didn't die for this.

Do you know St. Clair and St. Francis are rumored to have had a sexual relationship?

They were both from Assisi.

Did you know St. Francis was from a wealthy family,

and he took off all his clothes and gave it to his father and said,

this is all I have from you, and he went on his own.

He got naked in front of everybody.

He was masturbating.

Hey, you.

Yes.

You guys.

Hey, guys.

We don't talk about sex at OA meetings.

This is St. Francis.

He took his clothes off in front of everybody.

No sex talk.

His father said, get the hell out of here, motherfucker, and he said, well, here's everything I have left of you, and he gave him his clothes, and he left naked.

And we also don't swear.

Yeah, he also...

So maybe this isn't a meeting for you.

He also talked to animals. He's the patrician of animals. Did you know that?

He was, um, yeah, there was a wolf...

Nate Dixie?

There was a wolf that was going after the people in the town in Assisi.

Hey, honey, I hear you, Laura.

Oh, you hear me? Come on, man.

man. St. Francis had a

conversation. He was the patron saint of animals

because he could talk to them. That's the truth.

And there was a wolf that was killing people, and he

talked to the wolf and said, hey, brother wolf motherfucker.

You keep that shit going now,

motherfucker. Let's just ignore.

Don't respond. Just you and

I can talk, or we can just... Hello?

Anyway, that is... I know all about

St. Francis. St. Francis was my favorite

saint growing up. You care?

Oh, shit.

I'd have told a quick woman explaining

to you. That was bullshit.

it i just wanted to sing my song i know that that's one of the few that i remember when you

were singing like it's in spanish and they're like we speak english in here

damn man this is i shared a picture with you uh relating to your story in the yeah

i was thinking about that picture itself uh we had fun with them we'll call them back later

here's 7-eleven let's try it again dwight we can do this you can do this you can do this

that shit was true about seeing for us he took his cold good evening how you doing there buddy

this is brad down here at the corporate office with 7-eleven in davis texas i was calling to

see if you guys got the memo about the recall on the uh the diet cokes there in the two liters

you didn't get memo on that there was some trouble there at the bottling plant one of the

machines there was firing off some metal shavings and some of the uh coke products and what we're

doing here they gave us a list of stores where the product might have went and we're doing a

quick quality check there to make sure that the product isn't sitting on the shelves well we want

to make sure that that particular product isn't what's infected with the metal shavings i didn't

know hold on a second minutes you can hold on a second quality check how you doing there josh

this is brad down here from the corporate office of 7-eleven down here in dallas texas how are you

i'm doing all right now listen i was calling regarding the recall of the diet cokes at two

liters uh did you guys get the memo on that earlier okay well we had one of the bottling

machines uh go on the fritz and it was apparently shooting off some metal shavings into some of the

coke products and uh apparently some of the diet coke was affected and so we're calling a couple

of the stores trying to do a quality check and we're calling your store right now to do a quality

check on the product that's currently sitting on your

shelf. Okay, can you read me what the

batch number is currently on the product on the

shelf? He's just going to call us

whatever.

Oh, he's slowly dropping the accent.

Well, if we're

saying, I got to check, change the caller ID.

Let's see here.

Or red office number

seven.

I have no idea why I even started talking like

that to begin with. Oh, it's Texas.

Yeah.

You should be talking about that more often.

how you doing

I just got done

fucking a herd of

cattle down here

a herd of cattle

a whole fucking herd

that's a lot of

fucking

I'm down here

beating my wife

with a fucking

belt buckle

alright we'll try

one more and then

we'll get back to

the fact

next 25 minutes

we have some

sex anonymous

coming up

what do you think

think they might be more gullible let's see if california is hey we're i mean west coast we're

striking out there you think uh georgia sex anonymous going right now you think georgia

might work out alabama alabama alabama 7-eleven alabama looks like they don't have 7-elevens

there. Okay.

M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I-P-P.

I don't know

who the 7-11s are.

U.S. 11. No, that's not what I'm

looking for. Okay, we'll try a different state.

How about

South Carolina? Alright, we got plenty

of them there. We can do this. We can do this.

I just want to get one of these going.

I like a lunk alarm, too.

Show up, Matt. Let's say we got some kind

the local arm after we were fucking with him he still did it how you doing there uh this is bread

i'm calling from the corporate office down here in dallas texas how are you tonight

oh fantastic it's great to hear listen i'm calling regarding a recall uh from the diet coke in the

seven select water did you guys get the memo on this earlier today yeah they had sent out a memo

earlier regarding a recall the bottling plant had an issue apparently there was some metal

shavings coming off of one of the one of the machines and it was affecting the water as well

as two liters of diet coke and so we were calling to do a quick check to see if the product had made

it to your store and if so we were going to have to do a quick quality check uh would you be able

to check the batch numbers on the uh the merchandise that's currently sitting on the

shelves no no problem so how would i check the batch number uh if there's any cases that are

currently still sitting in the cooler area or where the storage area is uh there should still

be a shipping label on there with the batch number uh located on there uh do you have any of those

cases still available or has everything been broken down and put out on the shelves um what

What product was it again?

The water, at least?

Well, it's for the gallon of the seven-select water, as well as two liters of Diet Coke.

I know generally the Diet Coke is brought in on the little plastic crates by Coca-Cola people

and wouldn't come inside of cases.

I'm not seeing water.

I think they probably broke it down.

Yeah, I was afraid of that.

Okay, so what we're going to have to do is we're going to have to do a quality check.

If we were able to get the batch number, we would be able to determine that right off the bat without having to go through a quality check.

So what I'll have to have you do is retrieve one 2-liter of Diet Coke and one gallon of the 7-Select water, and we're going to have to do a quick inspection of that.

Hey, just give me one second. I'm just going to have to deliver a guy.

Yeah, no hurry.

I'm back.

If you would, go ahead and take a look around the seal, and we're going to confirm first that the seals are actually sealed, that they haven't been tampered with, just so I can confirm after we've went ahead and inspected these that nothing has went awry from the plant to your location.

Just take a look around there and just let me know if they appear to be completely sealed and in good condition.

They look good.

The seals aren't broken or anything else?

Right.

With the water, let me have you just go ahead and just shake it vertically up and down maybe three or four times.

And then let me know if you see any particles floating within the water that shouldn't be there.

Nothing in the water.

I'm going to have you do the same thing with the Diet Coke, but not shake it because in a moment I'm actually going to have you open it.

uh just kind of um you know maybe tip the top down and then back up maybe two times not exactly

shaking it but enough that uh anything that may be sitting on the bottom uh will start to float

yeah okay all right let me read here the next step i'm gonna have you excuse me individually

i might have you start with the water first go ahead and open uh the gallon of water and what i

want you to listen for is make sure you hear that crack of the seal as it's being opened so we can

and also determine that the seal was also intact again.

And just let me know what the result of that is.

Okay.

We're going to do the same thing with the Diet Coke.

We want to hear the crack of the seal, but we also want to make sure we hear the fizz

so we know that it was also under pressure.

Okay.

Let me know the result of that.

Fizz as well.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

So let me give me just a moment.

I'm looking through the procedure book here.

Okay.

So if we skip that, both of those checked out.

We need a reactant.

All right.

I'm just looking through the book.

I wish I could put these on the computer.

It would be so much easier to look through.

Yeah.

We need an acid reactant that would react with the metal shavings.

So give me just a moment.

I'm looking for something that would be in store that would work.

Let's see.

All right.

All right, this is going to sound silly, and I'm going to cut to the chase right before we do this.

It recommends Mentos, but I'm going to tell you, I've heard it from about six different stores tonight about the Coke's going to explode, I know this joke, blah, blah, blah.

Coke discontinued the chemical that makes the reactant with the Mentos and stuff about two years ago, and I've had to explain that to about six different stores earlier.

oh uh because it has the the little it has an acid reacting into it and it'll actually react

with the metal shavings and so what they want us to do is get the regular mentos not the fruit ones

and what we want to do is drop three into the water and we're going to wait 30 seconds and see

if the water itself changes colors it says in the book if there's metal shavings in the water

it'll actually change to a blue color yes the the Mentos I believe they're in

a white sleeve all it says is it says no it says non fruit yeah I believe it's

just blue okay because what it's saying is the Mentos will cause the metal

shavings to bind to the top layer of the bottle and so go ahead and place three

in the water and we'll wait 30 seconds okay and just let me know when you drop

those in so i could start a timer i'll start the timer here 30 seconds we're right back again sure

so far the water okay do you see any type of fizzing at the top any more than this should

be reacting other than from dropping the mints inside i know it's going to leave a little thin

layer for when you drop the mints in but there's yeah there is yeah i'm not all right so they're

just kind of sitting there yeah it looks like the water is passing uh the quality check there

so now we need to move over to the diet coke and we need to drop uh three into the diet coke and

we need to wait approximately 30 seconds on that as well uh for the same type of result uh this one

is not going to change colors you would be see about a a quarter to a half inch of film come to

the top uh and it will look like a creamy color because it's such a dark color anyway you're not

not going to see a change well the coke exploded wait a minute big guys i confirmed that with the

coca-cola company they took that chemical out well mine just exploded so that is complete

bullshit i'm gonna have to get on the phone with them went everywhere oh holy luckily luckily i

was right at the sink so i just kind of i just redirected it into the sink but yeah it oh that's

fantastic job on your part and then it went yeah that's good so somewhere yeah um and why you're

not going to believe this but i actually was able to locate the batch numbers of the latest delivery

to your store uh and your store is actually not affected okay well yeah that's definitely good i'm

sorry we had to go through all of this you want okay well we learned something today at least

Yeah, we learned that you're a fucking dumbass.

I'd like to thank you for helping me out tonight, sir.

And you have a great Christmas.

You too.

Tits.

I don't think he understood.

I don't think he caught that you told him he's a fucking dumbass.

No, he's stupidly giggling.

We're going to try to find out why.

So we'll take some questions at this point from our studio audience.

Yes, ma'am.

Please stand and state your name and where you're from.

I gots to talk.

I got to tell what I feel.

I got to talk about my life as I see it.

I hope y'all are enjoying the show.

It's Carlito and Dwight for Christmas Eve 2016.

I hope Santa Claus comes to your house machine tonight and gets you some stuff.

I've just been chilling.

I drank a lot of whiskey so far.

And all through that last call, I was drinking whiskey.

I had about three whiskeys now.

I'm on my fourth one now.

So everybody, cheers.

I hope you're drinking.

If you're not drinking, you should be drinking something.

Just a little cheers for you.

Speaking of drinking, I want to thank Matt and Zach Soares for doing a show before I started.

That was a nice little warm-up.

This guy's back here.

Giski, giski, giski.

So, how are your Detroit Lions doing?

I don't think they're doing that good, are they?

How are they faring?

They are first in the NFC North.

Never mind.

I guess they're doing good.

They're 9-5, aren't they?

The second seed in the NFC?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yeah, but they're first in NFC North,

but I think the Packers have played an extra game, haven't they,

or something like that?

Isn't there something like that?

Yeah, the Lions are still ahead of them.

Yeah, so.

Lions play Monday Night Football.

All right, yeah.

We're not through the weekend yet.

Against the Cowgirls.

Against the Cowgirls?

Yeah, I'm a Giants fan, and they're in the playoffs, which is good,

but they lost to the Eagles.

That was pretty bad.

That was bad.

So

Redskins lost today I think

No they won

They beat the Bears

The Bears fucking suck a dick

I understand

The Lions play the Cowboys this week

And they'll play Green Bay last game of the season

I got the breaking news

Jaguars won today convincingly

Against the Titans

Not that that's that big of a feat really

But holy shit

They can win

Titans, Mariota broke his fucking leg

During the game

and so did uh so did car for the raiders the raiders are gonna make the playoffs but their

quarterback broke their leg damn it's gonna suck that the patriots probably gonna win it all this

year again even with that fucking suspension the browns browns won their first game this week

of the season yeah they're one in 10 or no they're whoa one in 14 or something one in

And, yeah, 1-14.

14.

And I can't even remember when they lost one last season.

I don't know.

I was hoping they would not win because the last team that didn't win, the Lions.

I think it was in 08.

I blame it on Obama.

Oh, well, sorry.

You keep your record for now.

Or not the record, but you're the last one.

Anyway, all right, so good.

Did you hear the Diet Coke went, pfft, just so you could hear it going off?

Yeah.

some people in the chat were like

oh that's a lovely sound

it really is, finally got that payoff there

maybe we'll do another one, I don't know

go ahead

it was the guy that spoke the best English

that did it too, I would have expected

the people that didn't

yeah that one chick didn't want to do it

we kind of got her circled around the airbase

but she's like

nah, I'm going to refrain

this guy here though

oh, exploded

it i'm presuming you knew about it because when you mentioned it like look i know you know

it's like yeah yeah yeah yeah that was the angle i was gonna go at it because people kept going oh

no i'm like okay all right listen i know what you're gonna say it does take more setup time

but introducing the water first does help out the convincibility that's what happened when we got

all of those in a row yeah uh it was when they there was that uh there was an outbreak of

something and it was affecting both there was a like a listeria in the water or something going

on i think yeah the 7-eleven select brand water yeah it was a seven select yeah seven select yeah

did you ever try their soda their seven select soda it is ass it sucks i don't even think they

make it anymore man but oh that was horrid 7-eleven select soda their chips suck too

I went by once

That's what

It was E. coli

That's what it was

Possible E. coli

In the water

Yeah

But it was from a major

It was like from a different plant

In Pennsylvania up here

It was close to where I live

And they gave it out

To different businesses

I think 7-Eleven

Was one of the ones

They bottled for

In the air

It was

I think it was

I think it involved

Just the

7-Select water

But I said it

It involved Diet Coke

Just to get them

To do the Diet Coke

Yeah

Totally man

Whatever works

Yeah

yeah yeah yeah

alright so

do we got any

Facebook lives

do we have

I mean just

no one's gonna be

selling oysters today

but maybe

I gotta feel it

tonight a lot of

people are gonna be

like me drinking

and on the Facebook

live you know

I just got one

of my accounts

on Facebook

Ryan motherfuckers

is a slave

ships with the

same clip

and the same

4.5

2.4

motherfuckers

gonna die

that's my word

nigga even

trying to

there was people

it's so hard

at a Christmas

party

or something and i said well look at this fucking uh section 8 christmas party here

sponsored by bet and shortly after that like it said log in i'm like log in i'm already logged

in i was like this account has been shut down damn that was quick yeah it was like something

about maintaining multiple accounts for harassment purposes so i'm hoping not all of them got shut

I just turned my VPN on, so we'll go see.

VPN helps.

Nashby's saying hi.

Hi, Nashby.

Do you want to have people join?

It gets a little crazy sometimes when we start doing that.

I don't know who's on right now.

I saw, what's his face?

Bruce Wentwood just joined up.

He went online.

I'm going to drop him in here.

Maybe he'll join.

Start slow.

How do I do that?

How do I join?

Dirty Aaron.

Remove ad.

call video call call i'm so bad at this do you ever get around to watching sausage party

i downloaded it but i'm not 100 sure that it's the version i need you know i'm trying to say

like i think it's um i was going through the version that i downloaded i know i downloaded

movies i'm sorry but it's true but um it was the german version but i think there's an audio track

and change and i just never got around to it but i heard good things about it you guys were all

talking about it yeah i went and saw it in theaters with my kids sadly i kind of regret

that really your kid he's old though he's old enough now you can't joke around with him like

that or is it is it awkward still with him with that stuff is it really yeah the the ending was

just kind of like uh oh i wish i didn't watch that with my kid well your kid's what 16 15 14

he's gotta be 16 he's gotta be 16 by now he's going you know yeah he's gotta be like 16 or

some shit like that by now yeah hey we will be i don't know if i could oh my god god i turn i turn

on facebook live and on the left left screen they're streaming the fucking santa tracker

really yep so they're all in uh let's get to that oh god i just pull up first facebook live

there's a black kid yelling in his phone it's like i'm pulling up then you want to be fucking

he's in a crisp spirit yeah oh he's got a gun out too what yeah he's got he's got two guns out

i don't see we can call this cat damn he's got a gun out and he's striking standard

get comment on it but he's got two guns out holy shit

they're sipping champagne and pointing guns at a camera yeah nothing wrong with that that's just

That's fine.

Only on Facebook Live.

Yeah.

Let's call Norad.

And Aaron, I believe, Dirty Aaron, it says that you need to update your Skype in order to join a conference.

I think you're going to have to work on that, sir.

But it would be nice to have Dirty Aaron on.

I haven't talked to him in a while.

It's been like a year.

Probably since last Christmas.

He's got a yellow bang on his name when I try to add him.

Oh, wow.

Calling the Norad Trek Santa hotline.

Radars indicate Santa has launched off from the North Pole.

A NORAD Santa Tracker will be with you in a moment.

You may want to visit us online for exciting Santa updates at www.NORADSanta.org.

Thank you for calling the NORAD Track Santa Hotline.

Radars indicate Santa has launched off from the North Pole.

A NORAD Santa Tracker will be with you in a moment.

You may want to visit us online for exciting Santa updates at www.NORADSanta.org.

Cause I ain't with no fucking chase

So lace up your boots

Cause I'm about to shoot

Motherfucking going out for the loot

Nora at Track Santa, this is Seth

Hey, how you doing?

I had a question

Where you got Santa at right now?

He's in Honduras

Ah shit, fuck that

Is he safe out there you think?

Uh, yeah

Yeah, he's alright

A lot of dark people there

Hey, how does he pee and poop in that?

He doesn't have to go

He holds it

That's a long holding time though

When did he lift off?

Where did he first go?

The Easter Island?

No.

Where did he first go?

Australia?

I'm on the last shift.

I couldn't tell you where he went first.

Yeah, but he's got to make pee-pee and poo-poo sometime, right?

You think he has like a toilet system there?

He probably does.

Probably.

All right.

He just could go in someone's house.

I don't know.

I don't think that's polite.

As long as you flush, I guess it wouldn't be that bad.

Because he's already breaking in.

And thank God Santa's a white guy, right?

That's what I believe, I guess.

Yeah, thank God, though, right?

I've never seen him.

Thank God he's white, right?

Sure.

You guys would probably shoot him down at NORAD over there.

Maybe.

Hey, man, good luck to you guys in this new arms race thing, too.

Are you NORAD or are you just volunteering or something?

Are you, like, postcard?

I'm just a volunteer, man.

Oh, shit, man.

That sucks.

Oh.

Yep.

Wow, man, what branch are you serving?

Anything?

I'm a civilian.

Oh, really?

You're a civilian contractor?

No.

Oh, so are you at NORAD right now?

No, we're not in NORAD.

It sounds like it in the background.

It sounds like the movie War Games.

Yeah.

That's fucking cool.

It's kind of like that.

The phones ring like that?

Like, boop, like that?

Like in War Games?

All the time, man.

Oh, wow.

Are you in Beale Air Force Base?

How does that work?

Where do you hang out at?

No.

No?

You just volunteer?

Yep.

Where are you at?

We're in Colorado.

In Colorado.

All right.

So you're in NORAD headquarters, though?

You're in the mountain?

Cheyenne Mountain?

No.

No, nobody.

Nobody's really allowed there unless you've got clearance.

Oh, yeah.

And aren't they just a warm sight now anyway?

They're not really active.

They're going to have to be now because of fucking Putin, right?

Jesus Christ.

Yeah.

Isn't it crazy?

Just four years ago, we were trying to get Mev DeVev, whatever that jerk off,

to extend the SALT II treaty, and it didn't get done,

and we were all like, oh, no big deal.

It's never going to hit the fan again like that.

And now, phew, all of a sudden they're talking.

Yeah, so how's the coups over there as a contractor?

like how you got some hot chicks there a little bit yeah you hit that a little bit no no that's

my cheer is it just civvies there what's that just civilians there and shit are they feeding

you too that's good way they got you some pizza where you got i got a cookie man oh it's nice

chocolate what do you like macadamia nut oh nice yeah i'd like to you know you'll bet you get some

nice strong hands you know i'd like to have them all over my body you know no i don't think so

all over my macadamia nest

you can squeeze them

ever so gently

alright man

you know

I'm done

have a good night

I wanna smell you

and kiss you

right

it's like

it's some drunk

some drunk rednecks

calling in

I have no idea

what's going on

in this video

I'm searching for stuff

and this guy's like

it's almost like

the motion

like he's about to

snap her neck

uh huh

what?

I don't know if he's like

working on the lady's neck

or something

but like I typed in there

finisher

flawless victory

they're not paying attention to it yet

are they fucking or something like what's going on

no no I'll send it to you

it's something else

I bet you get nice strong hands

and then you bring that up

he's choking her

notorious B.I.G

you gotta smoke some marijuana

Mr. Christopher Wallace

I think he's touching her chi

All right, I got to see this.

Are these white people or what?

Yeah, she's a big woman.

She's got a Wonder Woman shirt.

Oh, these white kids.

Oh, it's a white kid and his mom, I guess?

I don't know.

You have a phone number for these people?

No, I don't.

Look at her trying to be young with that Wonder Woman shirt.

Ew.

Yeah.

That'd be awesome to get their phone number, though.

It can't take that long to finish her off thick and close.

yeah facebook live man and i told you that twitter is starting to come out with that

too now they got like a twitter live now or something yeah ricky ricky uh what's his name

uh fucking legend is i read this article today wet and wild in orlando is closing

the original uh water park wet and wild closing after 40 years of operation

generation that was a fun fucking place i had a friend who in the summer during school like i

lived in i grew up in orlando so his mom would get the annual pass for him for wet and wild and

she would literally drop him off in the morning at wet and wild and then she would go to work

and then she would come at the end of the day and pick him up and take him home wet and wild

was the daycare it was way cheaper than anything else and all he did was he stayed at wet and

wild just about every

Monday through Friday through the summer.

He fucking loved it. He went on water slides.

He footed with girls. He played arcade games.

He'd pack a lunch. All this

shit. He loved it, man. That was

great. It was only

like something back in like 20, 30 bucks

or something like that. And it was way cheaper than

having to get him

someone to watch him or a babysitter

or something. I mean, he was like

mid-teens. He was like 11, 12,

13 at that time.

Still, I was jealous. I was like, shit,

He was, yeah, he'd come back to school.

He was like, yeah, man, I pretty much was every day,

went a while, except for the weekends.

Yeah.

Oh, wow, scouting the pussy.

Scouting the coos.

All right.

What do you want to do, Dwight?

What do you think?

Where do you go?

This is a joint show, so what do you think?

Well, we haven't hit up the sex perverts yet.

We have not.

You're right.

Good.

Let me get me those numbers.

I'm right here.

I'm fucking right here.

Whoa, there he is, Dwight.

It's him.

It's the guy.

Oh, it's the man.

It's Dirty Aaron.

What's up, Dirty Aaron?

Long time, no talk.

It is he who is called I am.

How you doing, pervert?

It's good to talk to you.

Brent Westwood.

For sure.

BrentWestwood.com.

Yeah.

That's it.

I think it's still there.

How you been?

Are you in China?

You got all these adventures going to China and Hawaii.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah, Hawaii was good.

I stopped by to see Charlie, but he wasn't, it was closed.

Yeah, well, you went on Thanksgiving or something, right?

Yeah, not this one, the last one.

last one yeah that's right well yeah because i i tried calling dirty lawyers down there during

the show that's right yeah it was a it was a family vacation um otherwise i would have been

sitting on the beach uh making calls yeah now uh aaron i want to warn you i don't want to call you

out but you're uh i don't know i think you've done you've worked in the program before we're

not to say which one or what about but we're gonna prank call now a sex addict synonymous

And they follow the program

Is that going to bother you?

No, no, I heard you guys call the overeaters

Okay, I just want to make sure

I want to be respectful

I don't want to just put you on blast either

It's not, you know, we're family here

No, no, no, I might not participate

But I'll listen

Alright, cool, cool

Alright, these are sexual rumors

Which really get real, right?

I mean

Yeah, I don't know

Access code accepted

There are three participants in this conference

Hello?

Yeah, how do I mute? I'm sorry.

Alright, thanks, motherfucker.

That's okay.

Alright.

Call him a motherfucker and he apologizes.

Alright.

Bob, sorry about that.

Often, there's been people that have come on the line

And they have, you know, been inappropriate with some sexual overtones as well as, like you just heard, some offensive language.

So if that happens, I mean, I can use the call for these people.

You know, this is late at night and it's sad that that happens, but it's late at night and people may be in the throes of their addiction for some reason.

Yeah, I just got fed up with masturbating and pornography.

That's exactly what I mean.

We will just show God's mercy to them and pray for them.

Vagina boozy.

Muted.

What the fuck was that?

Unmuted.

Vagina boozy.

Muted.

They got quiet.

Is that the only one that they got going on?

Did I lose Dwight?

We lost Dwight.

Oh, shit.

Did I lose everybody?

Did the internet go out?

No?

No, should not have been.

Everything looks connected still.

Uh-huh, you there?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, I don't know, I lost you.

It got quiet, I don't know.

It's because I turned my DPM on.

Oh, yeah, okay.

All right.

There's only three of them on there.

That's not very...

Oh, I got another one.

Yeah, I sent the other one.

You sent that, I'm going to call Planet Fitness while you get that.

That's already done.

Is it? All right.

Whatever, dude.

whatever man yeah all right planet fitness it's gonna be sandwich time here pretty soon i'm just

saying planet fitness might be closed i was getting them last year i remember i was getting

the planet fitness is open last year i was really drunk i remember and i was like a car for a

carpet office like trying to convince him brad was on he's like dude you know how drunk you

I think the entire west coast is closed the west coast you think the east closed

I just went to the store to get flour it was a fucking shit show

flour okay let's go do I want did you run out of gold bond leave the u.s yeah he ran out of gold

old bond it's gonna be the obama state oh my god soon enough right what it's gonna be if you ever

watch the escape from la it's gonna be just like that we're gonna the whole yeah california is just

gonna be its own thing trump's gonna trump's gonna build a wall the u.s and california and

they're gonna make fucking canada pay for it let's just build a wall in california then he's

gonna have to keep extending it what's a long border of california shit california would annex

next to nevada then nevada go california's way so in oregon and seattle let's be real

cut off the water to california too yeah well that's right westwood's up dirty air and you're

up there that area yeah take all that shit from me we're gone got yourself you know alaska might

be open and cold i know gyms are open tonight i've talked to them on christmas eve maybe they

revolted christmas and the big old juice heads are in there yeah keep on it does bitch i need

need to get a pump you gotta get this shit on man um oh well i know they're open they're out there

well maybe someone out there will confirm some for us i don't know speaking of pump did you hear

about that uh lawsuit for from hulk hogan or whatever or what he uh he had some sex tape or

whatever yeah sued gawker for like like 120 million dollars or something like that i knew

knew about that yeah got to put it out but then gawker was like they're taking out of business

now yeah because of the settlement because of the settlement yeah yeah yeah that was all because of

uh fucking bubble well sponge it was like his best friend and yeah his wife but they wanted

he was down with it though i guess yeah yeah they were like an open relationship or whatever

because at the beginning it's like all right i'm gonna you know you guys do what you want do your

thing but then he started recording it like a gross motherfucker yeah but then i thought it

was just so... I think he just had

security cameras in and someone stole the tape.

Who knows? Maybe he just likes watching it and winking off.

That would make sense, you know, if you're into that.

Thank you for calling our telephone meeting.

That one's done.

That was the one that only had...

That was the one that had only a few people

in it.

The Japanese

old music, right? Alright, here's the

original one that had 70-something people in it.

Thank you for calling our telephone meeting.

There are currently

62 other participants

Please press 1.

You are now unmuted.

You know, doing the things that I know keep me in addition.

Please continue.

There's one destructive person we ignore.

Please continue.

Okay.

And so it's been a really nice day.

Please press 1.

You are now muted.

Cut so many other holidays.

Even in supposed recovery, you know, with just a really kind of ugly frame of mind.

Hey, I'm stuck here in an elevator in Puerto Rico.

Oh, hey, what's up, man?

How you doing?

Hey, man, that's a good shout out.

Yeah, that's good work.

You need the ADA.

You need to press star one.

You need to shut the fuck up.

To stop the disruption.

Okay, I was wrapping up.

Please press one.

You are now unmuted.

To, uh, you know, have a holiday that feels so...

You stupid fucking cunt.

And, uh, so, thank you all for being here, and I wish everybody a really...

Hey, I'm the devil.

My number is not one...

It's fucked up.

Once again, five, and I am an available sponsor.

Thank you, Ada. Um, please ignore the, uh, uh, disruption, and who would like to share next?

Please press one to mute. You are now muted.

I'd like to share, please. I'd like to share, please.

Okay, I'll share.

Okay, go ahead.

Fucking asshole.

Hi, I'm Scott.

I'm an anorexic.

It's been an interesting...

Please press 1.

You are now unmuted.

He said his name is Scott and he likes erect dick.

Couldn't, uh...

You need to unmute yourself, sorry.

We keep having to mute everyone.

There's other people waiting.

Hey, I'd like to share.

I'd like to share.

Sure, I'm sure.

Just hold on for a minute.

Can I get your phone number?

Please press 1.

You are now unmuted.

Whatever that was.

God bless you.

Did you just get the cow?

Was that you?

You got the lion's share.

Got one.

Thank you.

As I was saying.

Whoever's doing that.

I couldn't figure out what to get my sister and my brother.

Please press 1 to mute or unmute yourself.

Or you are now unmuted.

I asked her what she wanted that I could order.

All this dick cheese right here.

And anything.

or anything really made me feel kind of weird and uncomfortable sometimes it feels you know

kind of like please press one you are now muted i wouldn't be at that you didn't say it was

anorexic right you know it's sometimes you are now unmuted sometimes it's not like looking

for the right thing i

think maybe when a lot more damage sometimes when they think they're healthy

Are you there?

You are now unmuted.

Excuse me, I'm assuming the moderator knows how to mute the line.

Are you able to do that?

We keep doing that, but we have to mute everyone at the same time, otherwise.

Okay, all right, thank you.

The person on the dashboard should be able to locate who that person is.

I don't know how to go to the dashboard.

Maybe somebody else does.

Would you please bear with us?

Stop making comments and let's just move on with the meeting.

We can't really hear you.

Maybe we should say a prayer for some others.

Yeah, I suppose.

This is Karen, the moderator.

I know Marilyn is helping me.

Press 1 to mute or unmute yourself.

4 or 6 to decrease or...

You are now unmuted.

God, I offer myself to thee.

To do it with me and to do it with me as I will.

Amen. Thank you so much.

You know, despite the disruption, I want to thank everyone for being here,

for the solidarity and the fellowship on the telephone.

I just want to say this right now in case we finish earlier.

Marilyn, I just want to end the meeting.

What do you think?

No.

No?

Hey, Carlito.

What's up, man?

Hey, what's up, man?

What's up?

What's up, Carlito?

Hey.

Turn the phone on.

Let's close it.

Hello.

What's your code name?

Hey, we're ready.

Close it.

Let's close it.

Hey, what's your code name?

Okay.

I'm going to say this is the Renewed Peer.

if you want to join us, and we're going to end the meeting early.

Okay, good idea, good idea.

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

Cream together the butter, white sugar, and brown sugar until smooth.

Heat the eggs one at a time.

Stir in the vanilla, dissolve the baking soda in hot water.

Hi, this is Hannah.

Thank you for about 10 minutes.

Shut the fuck up, bitch.

I'm working the recipe, fucking bitch.

Hello, this is Hannah.

Hey, fake fat pan, how you doing?

I was just going to tell you that the police have been called,

and they're going to figure out who this guy is

and the police have been called that they're going to do something about this.

Okay, thank you.

Thanks for that breaking news.

Okay, well, thank you for being here, and we'll talk to you next time.

Good night, everyone.

Good night.

Karen, thank you for your service.

Thanks for having us.

God bless everybody.

Thank you for your service.

Thanks, everybody.

God bless you.

Merry Christmas.

You too.

Thank you.

God bless you.

That's the line.

Betty Crocker, we'll see you tomorrow.

fuck up hello any 12 steppers here want to talk i guess we effectively killed that all 60 people

no longer have a meeting oh shit i feel horrible aaron is that bad or you're like fat you know

like the overeaters is like no no i think that i think you're gonna make that guy he's gonna be

so mad he might go eat something yeah they ruined my meeting now it's time to eat a piece of salad

What are you going to do now?

Hey, Dirty, I think it was a couple shows back, I called these people, and actually, shit, Carly, what was it, like Thanksgiving?

I told them about how my eating addiction had developed into a sex addiction, and how I also went to sex addict meetings, and during my Thanksgiving meal, I fucked the mashed potatoes.

We got breaking news.

Breaking news.

I'm sorry to interrupt you.

We got breaking news here being reported.

A Russian plane carrying at least 53 passengers has disappeared from radar, according to officials.

I have no other information other than that at this time.

Fucking Santa.

Santa.

Might have had a collision with Santa Claus.

Santa shot him down.

I guess a Russian military plane carrying 83 passengers and 8 crew members disappeared from radar, according to the Russian Defense Ministry.

There you go.

Not much more information on that.

and you flash it over to CNN, they're showing

fucking nasty Bourdain parts unknown.

Yeah.

You kill enough Syrians and they're going to

shoot back eventually. Probably.

This plane took off near Sochi.

This is a military plane. It's a lot of people.

It must have been like a...

It sounds like an accident if it left.

It was a military flight, you know.

But there you go.

Looks like there might have been an accident. We'll keep you posted here

if you fucking care.

I gotta pee. I should take a break.

I think so I can accommodate that.

at urinating and stuff like that you guys all right with that uh we'll keep aaron here hopefully

we'll keep dwight here in a holding position hopefully hopefully yeah yeah i'll hold it for

you yeah all right maybe we could do one more prank i don't know um damn man 83 people 83

people so what's what's the deal how late are you guys gonna be on i keep going i don't know

at some point i'm gonna have matt matt city wants to take um i'm just gonna keep going until i get

get too drunk and too belligerent to actually

do the phone calling. It's starting to get there.

But I think if I get some

sustenance in me, I'll be alright.

You know? Oh, that's fine.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Uh, can any, uh, Dwight, rather,

any numbers we can do here real quick before

we take a break? You know, anything off the hopper?

Uh, no.

But I'll try to do some investigations

while we're on break.

Alright, so maybe we'll get some more Mentos on.

Maybe we'll check back in with our

overeaters anonymous we seem to shut them down and a big shout out to the madhouse fans who were

just pranking over there and helping out you did it well you didn't you know put me on blast and i

appreciate that i think those are real fans they weren't trying to you know fuck with me like

people used to do to dwight on the block talk stuff so good on you man i hope so if not then

fuck you um when we come back we got more prank calls i guess don't go anywhere yeah it's christmas

Zee motherfucker.

Yeah.

People.

God damn you.

When you die, they put your GPS in your box and a trap door at the bottom.

So when you die, you open that trap door at the bottom.

You check the GPS and you go straight.

Bad House Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman.

Ever.

Make you who you are.

This is the Carlito.

I am the host of the show.

This is Christmas Eve 2016.

I'm joined here by several other people.

I don't know who they are.

At this moment, because my computer freezes.

Who are here?

I am English.

Hey, Zax.

How you doing, motherfucker?

Hi, Carlito.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we were all hanging out in the other con waiting for it to be over.

So we could go on.

You guys want to go on?

Fine, I'll go, I'll go.

No, no, no, no, no.

Is there anyone I should add? I got Greenbee.

I got everyone, everyone.

You got everyone?

I thought there were seven people, motherfucker.

What happened?

Yeah, I think that the other conf, they're still going.

It still looks like it's live, so there's still people

talking in there. Matt's probably still in there.

Oh, okay, I gotta drop Matt in here.

The machine I use for Skype is really beat up.

Team live prank calls?

Maybe tell him.

Team live prank calls?

What do I tell em? What do I tell em? Can you drag em in here?

Like Matt tells you?

They're already in.

They're in here? In this one?

Well they should join.

You tell them. You tell them.

You tell them.

Hey guys. It's over here.

Hey AXPA's here.

How are you, Graham?

Hey, Graham, how you doing, sir?

Pretty good, Carlito, how are you?

Oh, I'm horrible, thanks for asking.

Also, here's Dirty Aaron is here.

Hey, Dirty Aaron.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, yeah.

And Milkman's here, yeah.

No, he's not.

Dwight's here, though.

Smoking marijuana, he's playing my guitar.

Is he still alive?

Uber, Uber, Uber.

Uber, Uber.

Oh, Milkman was mad because fucking Uber in San Francisco has got these driverless cars that they took off the road.

But he was telling me he was trying to cut them off on purpose to make them crash.

Hey, what's up, big guy?

How you doing?

What up?

Happy Christmas.

Hey, speaking of alcoholics.

Christmas song.

Yeah.

We got to bring over a goddamn cat.

What's his name?

Turbo.

Oh, shit.

Turbo's around.

turbo turbo's on uh what's dude dude fucking uh jim bob the impaler

i don't know who you're talking about the turbo's here that's great hey turbo are you there are you

speaking fuck yeah he's alive oh of course he is don't say that and happy yeah he's doing good

good to see you turbo you've been missing from action for a while man ah man yeah i'm just a

motherfucker i used to play gta 5 with him all the time he used to watch you fucking whores in gta 5

all creepy like watching that the other day yeah we were yeah yeah he's been away from gta 5 all

this time and i've still not reached his fucking level on that game what are we turbo

okay all right we're good all right so who we call matt um not matt i wanted to add this jimbo

bobcat but i don't i don't i tried to it's but you might need to add him probably i don't know

what yeah i don't know okay let's we're gonna we're gonna do this thing yeah yeah we'll do

this whole thing yeah yeah we'll work it out he's cool like i don't know if you've seen him

chat for me cat we've been talking take it to the girl in the back she'll fix it up for you all

hey here's uh here's dude's name youtube name just look that up okay all right we're trying

we're trying jim bob how y'all doing happy anyway yeah we're good we're good we need

to prank calls before we start losing stuff here uh nominal this bitch dude like when we

we just started because we're waiting for you to fucking you guys be dead yeah and then like

Like, now it's just a loop of old shows.

Like, what?

Well, I took a break.

I had to pee.

I did a three-hour show.

I know, but we didn't know this.

Oh, okay.

We were confused.

Yeah, yeah.

They were yelling at me.

They were like, what the fuck are you doing, Dwight?

And I'm like, that's not my show, dude.

Yeah, it wasn't him.

It was him.

Yeah, like, that was kind of the thing.

He was like, it's not mine.

He was like, you had to get a sandwich or some shit.

Oh, yeah, I had to get a sandwich, man.

I didn't have any bread, so I just, like, took some wheat beans.

I ordered a turkey burger today because I was going to be, man, I had the whole story wrong.

Like, I thought me and Zach were going to go live at 7 tonight.

That was what story I had in my head.

8 p.m. Christmas.

I had it planned, 7 o'clock.

I had 8, whatever.

I thought 8 Eastern time, 7 of my time.

We were going on today, buddy.

It was going to be our Christmas show.

I had food ready.

I had drinks ready.

I messaged you.

Oh, man.

Really?

so fuck that shit up all right so do you want to go on well it worked man it works out fucking

everything's good good i think a lot of people stuff merry christmas everyone well thanks for

starting yeah happy christmas yeah all right tiny chat put your video there listen listen listen

listen focus guys though like usually this night it's usually me and brad it's all togetherness

like we meld our shows together you know he can't make okay he's a motherfucker so i said dwight

come on with me i don't know you guys has his plans man fuck you know but oh it's cool let's

meld it we can meld together and go until however late you want yeah man all right yeah we can do

party time send me that midnight caller song you know fucking all that shit all that rappy

mcrapperson bullshit gay ass crap it's just ah look at that like he's got a vape he's got a

fucking goddamn phone loser vape dude you need to answer somebody jim bobby the impaler i don't

to you need to request richard mcbeef on skype or something if you want to get on yeah i'm totally

i'm totally down for jim bob we gotta do a prank first you guys could do the prank while i work on

cool hey yeah just call some yeah yeah we'll do it dwight what do you got any numbers what do we

got going on put the mentos in the diet coke you want to keep you should have heard me huffing

earlier oh like i sounded like that for real i was off with the less of this like dust off i got

and like i don't know uh fucking some of y'all heard me what was you huffing man

okay the desk cleaner stoner i well no i'm sorry i uh i was looking for it it's stoner

it's the name of the brand is stoner well obviously yeah i'm saving donor time sailing

Hailing Gust, Easy Duster.

Okay.

Quickly blows harmful dust out.

Anyway, I was doing that shit.

Yeah, I got it, I got it.

Listen to the McGruff, the crime song, song about inhalants.

Don't do inhalants.

Yeah, but are you saying that, like, it's made for, like, it's, like, obvious?

Like, you know how, like, would you buy poppers?

I think it's a wink-wink.

Yeah, you know how when you buy poppers and it says that it's for, like...

Yeah, I got those, too.

do yeah but it's yes it's a but the fact the company's name is stoner like it's the only

anti it's the only air duster that doesn't have bitterance that make you sick like it's the only

one and his name is stoner yeah that's bullshit there's something no i hear you i hear you i think

i would like to speak to that number if you don't mind there yes i can make that so good

It will damage your brain.

Don't do it.

Hey, man.

Fuck McGruff, the crime dog.

This fucking Reagan administration bullshit.

Everything's for two.

Yeah.

Two hours out.

You know, did y'all hear the McGruff, the crime dog guy,

got busted shooting a marijuana bazooka at the lake?

A marijuana bazooka?

Yeah.

Matt, you're Thanksgiving level.

You're all right, man.

I love you, brother, but I don't want you to fall again

Because your mom got mad a month ago.

I got the house to myself.

All right, all right.

Oh, your mom's with the gentleman caller.

I'm home alone on Christmas Eve.

Nobody cares.

Hello?

Yeah, listen, I need an extension cord for my room

because I plugged in a bunch of lights in here for my Christmas tree,

and there's not enough outlets.

What?

Yeah, I plugged in a bunch of lights in here for my Christmas tree in my room,

and I don't have enough outlets, so I need an extension cord.

Do you guys have any, like, in maintenance or anything?

We don't have.

You do have or don't have?

We don't have.

Okay, well, what am I supposed to do?

Because I got, like, another six strands of lights I need to plug in.

That sounds like shit.

Yeah, Dwight, it sounds like shit.

Let me try again.

So what is this?

Is this a hotel?

Are you talking about lights?

Yeah, it's just a hotel.

I'm plugging all my shit in from my tree in my room.

Some of these numbers say they have been freaking real crunchy sounding.

Yes, sir.

Yeah, I got dropped.

I think the phone in the room may be a little wonky.

Listen, how am I supposed to plug in the rest of these lights?

We don't have.

You don't have what?

We don't have the power.

You don't have the right to talk to me like that, motherfucker.

Now how am I supposed to plug these lights in?

It's Christmas.

I know it's Christmas.

We don't have a main sky right now.

It's fucking Christmas.

You're going to make the little baby Jesus cry.

The little baby Jesus will cry if he doesn't have his lights.

We've got to turn his fucking lights on, motherfucker.

Did he just get a gayer in here?

Oh, look who it is.

Speaking of gayer.

Hey, Roy, did you bring fireworks?

That is you.

Did you bring fireworks, Roy?

Welcome.

Roy got the fireworks, everybody.

Let's light them off.

Cousin, hey, let's kill.

What?

Don't do it, hey, let's.

They will damage your brain, hey, let's.

Yeah, Matt is there.

Brad, 7-Eleven, corporate.

Get us through, get us through.

You can do it.

7-Eleven, corporate.

Corporate, we need to do a test.

Hello, leave a message.

How you doing, Brad?

I'm glad you could make it, man.

That's good.

Hello?

Yeah, hi, 7-Eleven, number 36822.

I believe so.

Okay, great.

This is Cross.

I'm calling from the corporate office here in Texas.

How you doing tonight, sir?

Doing well.

Okay, good.

We have an issue with a recall on the 7 Select Water.

Did you get the 7 Hub alert?

Have you logged into 7 Hub at all?

Do you normally log into 7 Hub or no?

Okay, not on your shift.

Okay, that's probably why.

We need to do a quick test.

Can you tell us, has the box for the 7 Select water been broken down yet?

All right, thanks, brother.

Very good night.

All right, yes, sir.

There's a possible recall on your lots of 7 Select water.

Do you have any in the cooler right now or any that's been broken down, put on a shelf?

Sure, sure.

All right, if you can grab one of those along with a 2 liter of Diet Coke.

Well, yeah, I know. It's not necessarily that. It's that we actually need to test to see if your items there are affected by the recall, because right now it's up in the air where they went.

So we're trying to track this down at the source, because they could have gone to any number of franchises.

So I can give you the UPC number, perhaps, on one of the Diet Cokes.

Right.

And a Diet Coke?

Diet Coke has to be the two-liter is what's affected.

Oh, Diet Coke, two liters.

Right.

I can't go through, like, eating a Diet Coke, right?

Just one, just one.

Can you let me know if the number on the left-hand side is a 049 or not?

Okay, we've got a problem then.

All right.

Can you go ahead and...

It's a 490.

Yeah, 490.

Yeah, that's the problem.

49, 49, 0, 0, 0, probably.

Yeah, okay, so we've got an issue.

That's one of the ones.

If you could take one of those.

Are you in the cooler now?

Can you bring that back to the counter?

No, I can't.

No, no, don't.

That's what I can't walk with.

Yeah, don't, don't, don't.

Okay.

Okay, if you can get one of those two liters of Diet Coke,

and do you have any of the Mentos in mint flavor?

It has to be just the mints that come in the cylinder?

Like in shifts.

It has to be done right now because we've got a lot of people in the store, man.

This is urgent. It's really quick.

What happens is that...

But I have a lot of people in the store, and you know I'm third shift, so I'm here by myself.

I know, sir. I'm sorry.

I'm here by myself, and it'll take three minutes,

and we'll know if the metal shavings are in this one.

All right, that's fine. That's fine. Thank you.

Shit, how am I going to get these Mentos in any store?

they're not gum right they're just mints but they'll be in the gum section right

no mint blue sleeve dwight says run hold i think it's okay to talk let me get a picture of these

bentos green green i'm not seeing your requesting video i'm a bond there too but i'd be happy to

get you i've tried he's probably in the wrong channel what i've done no i'm in the right

channel i see everyone that's what's on the wrong channel it says my product

I'm sending approval by a moderator, but yet you guys can't.

Well, just try it again.

Refresh the guy.

All right, sir.

Hello?

You there with me?

We're still on hold.

I was going to wait here quietly and wait for him to come back.

Don't do it.

Hey, let's.

Don't damage your brain.

Smart kids say no.

Cousin, hey, let's get.

Yeah, I guess not.

Yay, Matt.

You ruined it.

Yay.

Way to help, Matt.

Thanks.

dude i didn't man when he said it was a mute and y'all started talking i said all right we're gonna

be quiet and fucking chatter started i didn't do it just bought it i'm sorry and i broke it yeah

i apologize yeah i will say nothing

yeah yeah yeah

alright alright

good god alright

if anybody wants to watch us

we're on tinychat.com

slash zaxxintel

alright I'm getting another one here

he probably wasn't gonna do it

he was already having trouble with Mentos

like black men are very

suspicious

suspicious dude i just fucking tipped my kid i'm gonna get some more it's so like i just order one

kid 10 bucks fucking great doesn't hate let's kill happy

christmas to everybody out there and i like really the fact i'm hearing

the phone ring it's your favorite part of the show i don't get it on our show anymore though

like i need to start doing some shit that y'all do okay how do you go fancy machine like you're

not using skype you're using no i'm using my own thing yeah i got my own thing going on over here

like is it something like okay you know my mentality yeah is this something you think i

could do we're gonna yeah you take the computer and you're gonna mess with its ticker no but i'm

I'm saying, like, the program.

Do you think I could do it?

Um, probably.

You need another computer and a router.

I have two lappies right here.

You need a Brad Carter to ask questions.

You can use anything, right?

Yeah, you can use Skype.

Skype is good.

I don't know why Skype stopped the ringing.

It's not ringing.

The no ringing strike me.

Big problems.

Zach, you should start making ringing sounds.

Dude, I have...

I have...

7-11.

Hello, can you hear me okay?

Yeah.

All right, good.

I'm calling from the corporate office.

Calling to see regarding if you get the 7-Hub alert regarding the Diet Coke.

The what?

Calling to see if you get the Diet Coke.

Yeah, the Diet Coke 2-liter recall on 7-Hub.

Did you receive that?

I have no idea if they did or not.

Okay, do you have any Diet Coke on the shelf?

We have no Diet Coke, just the little bottles.

You don't have any 2-liter Diet Coke?

Nope, nope, nope.

Fucking bitchy.

Oh, fuck you, too.

Yeah, do something.

We have no doubt that...

I don't know.

That's just...

Don't the 20 ounces work?

I don't know.

I think it's the shape of the...

I don't know.

I think it's a whole bunch of things working in its favor.

I don't think it would work with the 20 ounces, too.

If you can get anybody with...

7-Eleven?

Yeah, hi.

I was...

You know, I got a...

I guessed your number on here.

And I will report you.

No, don't.

Please don't.

So don't call again.

I'm sorry.

Please don't.

Oh, shit.

Did you mean my goddamn name?

I didn't mean to call her back.

All right.

Leave her alone.

Apparently, California and the 7-Eleven zone have two leaders.

Maybe some kind of local law against two leaders.

Yeah, what the fuck?

Stop with that.

Like, 7-Eleven without two leaders.

People fat.

Come on.

Carlito, how did you get fat?

Soda.

Uh, no.

Maybe.

I guess diet soda do it.

No.

Well, that's the exact opposite.

That's what I was drinking.

I think mine was a lot of Papa John's pizza, probably.

Really?

Yeah, and insulin.

Oh, yeah, dude.

I do mouthfuls of insulin.

I was doing over 100 units of insulin a day.

All right.

Don't do it, A-Lynce.

Don't do insulin.

Put it in hot pizza pies.

7-Eleven.

Hello, this is Cross.

I'm calling from the corporate office in Texas.

How are you?

You're not calling from corporate in the middle of the night.

I am.

We have a recall.

I'm calling from fucking bitch.

You so.

God damn.

Hey, can you call her back, please?

Can I try?

Sure, sure.

Make sure to let her know it's a completely different person.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Crap, Joe.

The mailman.

Are we going to talk to the Vax?

Don't worry.

She ain't going to answer this time.

All right, I'm calling one on dog lane, dog lane.

What's this for?

What's going on here?

What is this?

What's the meaning of this?

that made sense it's trying to beat the facts oh my god party time hard on the ears freestyles

yeah hi this is cross i'm calling from the corporate office in texas this is store number

three two on lane all right good i'm sorry to bother you we have a recall on the diet coke

two liters did you log into seven hub today diet coke seven uh two liters uh-huh what happened did

Did you log in to 7-Hub today?

No.

Okay.

Do you have any Diet Coke 2 liters?

Can you bring one to the phone, please?

Okay.

Can you get it, please?

I need to check the numbers on it to see if we need to do a recall here or not.

I'm calling from the corporate office in Texas, 7-11 corporate office in Texas.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

There's a recall.

Bad 2 liters of Diet Coke.

Bad.

Yes.

Can you get one?

Go get, go bring 2-liter Diet Coke to phone to read numbers.

What number do you want?

On the barcode, 0490050.

Uh-oh.

Okay, bad, bad, bad, bad.

Do you have Mentos Blue Mint?

No.

Look, with the candy, you have Mentos?

No, no, no.

Yes, yes, yes, you have.

Yes.

Yes, you have.

Banchot, you have, motherfucker.

Come on.

Come on, son of a bitch.

You have Mentos there.

Let's do it.

You bastard.

No, you bastard mother fucking god.

Son of a doll.

Hey, can I try him?

Yeah, if you guys are not going to whistle and whistle, I had to turn you guys off.

You think that's rude?

Don't whistle.

Don't make me mad.

I'm going to get mad.

The guy that whistles during his call.

Make me mad.

He's not going to answer me because you whistled so much.

That house radio is a little hard to hear.

That house radio is hard to hear.

All right, here's another one.

What were we trying to get these people to do?

Make a Diet Coke fountain.

okay guys i mean can i try it please oh yeah sure i'll corporate hello hey how you doing this is

maddie from 7-eleven corporate office how you doing tonight happy christmas but that's fun

yeah thank you you guys busy yeah i'm like it's the skeleton crew down here at corporate

like this kind of goes swiftly it's amazing anyways you got two liters of diet coke two

Two liters of Diet Coke and menthols.

Menthol cigarettes.

No, menthols.

Put it up your butt.

And menthol cigarettes?

Get her a pack of Newports and some Diet Coke.

They're alive with pleasure, you faggot.

Don't do shit.

Is he still there?

He was.

I thought I had it.

Yeah, you had it.

You had, you had.

What's it up, man?

I think it was one too many whistles.

Frequency, I'll get it right this time.

7-Eleven

Yeah, hi, I'm calling from the corporate office

Did you log in to 7-Hub today?

What?

Did you log in to 7-Hub today?

I'm calling from the corporate office, 7-Eleven corporate

Yes

Did you log in?

Call in the morning, not this time

7-Hub, 7-Hub, did you log in?

I don't know, buddy, I'm a new person, I don't know

Call in the morning

Do you have Diet Coke?

Huh?

2-Liter Diet Coke?

Yes

Yeah, do you have Mentos?

No idea, buddy, call in the morning

Fuck you, fuck you.

Fuck you, motherfucker.

No, you fuck you first, motherfucker.

Manage your morning.

I'm an incompetent immigrant that works nights.

I don't know what you're doing.

Asshole, you incompetent.

All right, the whistling's really starting to freak me out.

It's hurting my fucking ears.

I'll stop.

It's such a strain for me to try to whistle without laughing.

Just take it down a couple hundred megawatts, and we'll be fine.

Yeah, hi. I'm calling from the corporate office. My name is Cross. How are you tonight?

Good. I'm calling to see, did you log into 7-Hub and get the alert regarding the two liters of Diet Coke being recalled?

Okay. Do you have any two liters of Diet Coke on the shelf right now?

Okay. Can you pick one up, look at the barcode, and confirm if it says 49000?

Hello? Hello? Hello? Are you hitting numbers? Hello?

That's not an appropriate response, man.

God, I don't know what the fuck he did with it.

He just panicked and went, ooh, I hit buttons and ran away.

He's a fucking stupid immigrant that works nights.

They don't do things like that.

Manager, manager, warning.

7-Eleven.

Hi, this is Cross.

I'm calling from Texas, the corporate office.

How are you tonight?

Good, how are you?

I'm sorry to bother you.

Did you log into 7-Hub tonight at the beginning of your shift?

Did I log into what?

7-Hub?

No.

Do you log into 7-Hub usually, or is that a manager?

My manager.

Okay, that's probably why you didn't get the notice.

Do you have any two liters of Diet Coke on the shelf?

There's a recall on some of them.

If you could look at a UPC of one, I can confirm with you if you're affected.

I know they had pulled the sleeve off and stuck it in the cooler.

Oh, boy.

No, no, I mean, they didn't put it on the shelf.

Okay.

They put it, the whole sleeve.

UPC number ending in O.

It should start with 49000.

Hopefully it doesn't.

Oh, boy.

Boy, okay, you're definitely affected.

4-9-triple-zero at the beginning?

Yes.

Okay, you may have an affected one.

There's metal shavings in some of these.

Okay.

We can do a quick test to confirm whether or not that's the case here.

Do you have a pack of Mentos there, the mint kind or the blue sleeve?

Mentos, Mentos.

Mentos, mint-flavored blue sleeve.

Yes.

Okay.

What we need you to do is crack open that 2-liter of Diet Coke.

Coke, insert three Mentos mints in there,

and tell me if you see metal shavings rise to the top.

Sure, sure.

You have to put it in the bottle, ma'am.

Coke bottle?

Yeah, do not pour it out.

It has to be a two liter.

Okay.

Thanks.

Mentos don't want to come out.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, they can be tricky.

I'm just saying that.

Yeah, you want to try to put all three at the same time if you can.

Oh, it's just foaming up.

No fizzing.

Put another one in there.

Two more should stop that.

Oh, it's not stopping it.

It's making a mess.

Oh, is it geysering up?

How high is it going?

My goodness.

It's almost like if I dropped it.

Oh, wow.

And I didn't drop it.

It's cold.

It's just, I think it's the carburetion.

Carbonation is.

I'm going to have to transfer to Roy, my supervisor.

We have an incident here.

Please, if you could please hold.

Mr. Roy, are you there?

Hello?

I'm going to have Roy.

Mr. McClanahan, are you there?

Mr. McClanahan.

Yeah, I have a, here, and they just tested positive for the recall on the two liter of Diet Coke.

That's on one Diet Coke?

That's on one, yes.

Okay, you're going to have to go ahead and duplicate the test in order to confirm.

All right, can we put...

We can't do that on just one.

We have to have a confirmation test done.

Two for control.

Okay, I understand.

Thank you, Tim.

Correct.

Ma'am, can we duplicate that one last time, please?

You can put that over a sink, just in case.

That's what I'm doing right now.

All right, good, good.

I might just have to put you on hold, because I've got customers in the store.

Sure, sure, sure.

Hello, everyone.

Are we on the air?

Are we on front call national voices?

yeah we're holding yes we're okay oh is that the same prank call nation that's

prank call nation

by the way brad merry christmas thanks thanks for uh thanks for telling nobody else merry

Merry Christmas, dick neck.

You're fucking starving.

I did say Merry Christmas to everyone.

What a kiss ass.

Mm-hmm.

Fucking with y'all.

Happy Christmas.

Love you guys all.

Do you think they're going to come back after it's over at the sink?

Oh, yeah.

Don't do it.

Hey, Lance.

Hey, dear.

I didn't forget you.

Okay.

No problem.

All right.

I just pulled another two liter, this one, out of the cooler so it's not cold.

Okay.

Now, you want me to drop two Mentos in?

Yes, please.

Whoa, it's foaming up again.

Oh, God.

Oh, shit.

I am just wearing soda now.

You're covered in soda?

I'm sorry?

It's just exploding everywhere.

Did the first one, was it over the sink or was it like on the floor?

I don't think there's any metal shavings in this.

The first one you did, was that in the back over the sink or was it like at the shelf?

It was just, they had a sleeve that they looked like they had gotten.

And in order to stop having to run in the back and get it warm and stick it in the cooler door,

or they just stuck the whole sleeve in the cooler.

Yeah.

Okay, I'm just going to put you real quick to Dr. Matt Hillock.

He's going to just follow up here.

He's going to get one more piece of information from you.

Dr. Hillock, are you there?

Okay.

Yeah, hi there.

Am I speaking to the woman at 7-Eleven with the two liters of the Dyko?

How are you doing tonight?

Sorry to bother you.

Good, how are you?

We're doing good here, but you had a foaming problem?

Okay.

Like you said, it jumped out all over your shirt?

Yeah, it was like I shooken it up.

That it just explodes.

As soon as I put the Mentos in it.

It's because you're an idiot.

And this is a trick.

You've been pranked and you're stupid.

You're a stupid person.

You put candy in soda because some guy on the phone said he was corporate.

You're an idiot.

I hope you have a very bad night.

How does that make you feel?

christmas oh merry christmas god bless you okay all right she's still there i'll let her go i'll

let her go

this is the song you had in your freaking head oh my god look at this fucking matt

comment on this poop for the win cheers yo one week ago what the fuck is wrong with you dude

I totally looked for this

and the first comment on the page is

fucking helllock666

poop for the win cheers yo

you're fucking weird dude

oh my god

you've been singing this song to yourself for a week now

oh I made my own video

I stole it

and I made a video

here I'll tell you my video

oh my god

dude I spent hours

I totally didn't plan to see

the first comment

and poo for the win. Cheers, yo.

Oh, my God.

Wait until you see the thumbnail

and show us

the one that I made of it.

All right.

It says China Men

glue for the win.

You gotta get

the glue.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I just felt that.

Oh, my God.

glue chinaman for the win

oh my god all right dude you cracked me up man holy shit all right i want to say something i

i can't believe we're gonna go into 2017 without gary broski it makes me very sad

Yeah, Gary Bruskin's dead.

What can you do, man?

You know, we all got to go.

I know, I know.

We lost Joey Boots.

We almost lost Carrie Fisher.

Who knows where that's at.

You told me the other day.

And what?

Eric just found him just cold.

Cold, yeah.

Cold in the fucking chair.

It's crazy.

Yeah, Matt, you shared Joey Boots, Eric, the guy that shared the video with me.

That guy that hate-grounded that park.

Yeah, he was harassing Eric, and Joey Boots was like,

Yeah, but, yeah, that's crazy.

Anyway.

But, yeah, that sucks, man.

He seemed like, man, I would think Eric would drop before Boots.

Yeah, totally, man.

Yeah, of course.

Really, you know?

Yeah, because Eric, dude, like, he goes, he, like, eats tons.

Dr. Lego has a ton of high-pitched Eric stories, my old friend, Dr. Lego.

Yeah.

I just want to say real quick, this is Madhouse Live.

In coalition with

Dwight McClanahan's

Party show

In coalition with Poop for the Wind show

In coalition with the Snow Plow show

We're all here together

Poop for the Wind show

We're all just having fun

We're just hanging out having Christmas

I got Zags

RBCP

Turbo back

Axpa

I believe that's how you pronounce his name

XYZ is here

here uh dwight mcclanahan dirty aaron is back there somewhere being quiet and shy nice carlito

i dug a dirty air like a fucking minute green bee and matt hillock we're all here enjoying

christmas yeah i don't think we can have more than nine people on the line this is pretty good

fucking christmas any recommendations brad you're me and you've done these shows for a few years

down on christmas eve uh you got any recommendations i got some advice for all the guys don't do it

inhalants that's yeah you're good well just once is okay i've been i've i've been having

fucking fun with them for fucking 30 years so i don't know but yeah they're the best i get the

brain lesions came from somewhere yeah uh according to the chat room guest 7045 as long as you don't

suffocate yourself tmz has the audio of high pitch eric finding joey boots on that podcast like i

i said let's see if i can find that because i heard his voice was quivering that's what guess

that team z is his radio finding him now all right let's hear that

howdy yeah yeah audio hey eric what's up i have bad news oh it's a bad news oh

well what's going on

Me and the building manager knocked on Joey's door.

Yeah.

And she opened the door.

And?

And Joey was slumped over in his chair.

Is he okay?

He was ice cold.

Shut the fuck up, dude.

Holy shit.

And there was no pulse.

No, dude.

Are you serious?

Oh, Eric.

Bullshit, Eric.

I'm serious.

Did you call 911?

She's calling up, Derek.

She's calling 911 right now.

All right, let's hit this job.

Eric, I'm going to call you.

We've got to get off air.

Is this serious, Eric?

Yes.

Let's get the building manager on the line.

Eric, I'm going to call you right now.

Bye.

Good night, everybody.

All right.

It's Hyperchair.

Joey Boots seemed like a sweetheart.

He was a cool dude.

Came out of a closet a few years ago.

Was living it up really nice, really good.

I always watch that when

I always watched that guy that filmed that park, and he always had boots and Eric on, and they seemed just neat as fuck.

Yeah, Eric's a hot mess.

But, you know, my favorite Joey Boots moment is there was a crap-a-thon.

It was Joey Boots versus high-pitched Eric.

They were together, and it was whoever was going to hold out and not take a shit for the longest amount of time.

I would lose that.

Eric lost.

Yeah, Eric lost.

No, no, no, bullshit.

It was whoever would take the most shit.

Like, they were weighing the feces.

Oh, I'd win.

And it was 24 hours, I think, and whoever had the most feces.

And I believe Joey Boots won at the very end of it.

Like, he had this massive bowel movement at the very end.

Like, he pushed and he pushed.

And when they asked him, what are you going to do with the money?

He said he was giving it all to this kid that it was Christmas and the kid didn't have anything.

And he wanted to give the kid a nice Christmas.

yeah he was a real nice dude he go out there in the middle of like live broadcasting like when

people are reporting live you know and news stories you go out there and talk shit and stuff

like that and just and joe dude my favorite we should probably play it and you probably haven't

the fucking video of joey boots filming that goddamn broad modeling you know what i'm talking

Joey Boots filming a broad modeling?

Oh, some guy's trying to get in here playing a guitar in Tiny Chat.

Whatever, he's playing a play, but I don't want to hear your shit.

Oh, yeah, no guitar.

This is in Tiny Chat?

They're messing with you?

Don't let them mess with you in Tiny Chat.

No, it's just some guy.

I don't know if he's a listener.

But, okay, let's see.

Joey Boots, how do you look it up?

uh you just type joey look up just like joey boots filming broad like nyc

oh harassing women maybe you say you say siri open browser yeah fucking bitch

search joey boots harassing women there's a lot like you just harassing women there's a bit

okay let's see harassing women you fucking bitch it's not that i'll pretend i didn't hear that

there's no need for that yeah whatever i don't get along with her here's a joey boots trolls

and michael jackson impersonator never heard this before it's on his official channel oh i got it

i got it i got it i got it okay i got it

you'll find out you're gonna moonwalk all over me i'm not going over it okay i'm gonna count for

I'm going to stand right here.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4,

took off the glove, 3, 2, 1.

That's pretty bad radio.

He makes a Michael Jackson impersonator.

He doesn't really look like Michael Jackson.

He's down in Times Square.

He just trolls him and trolls him and trolls him.

It's not good radio.

Good video?

Yeah.

Hey, did you see the one that I put there?

No, I did not.

Is it good radio?

Is it going to work for radio?

You've got to think about this radio show.

We can talk through it.

All right, we'll talk.

Joey Booth, there's some broad, like, I'll watch that same thing along that.

All right, so she's modeling here.

There's some.

Oh, wow, she's showing the coos right there.

Hot little broad modeling in toe shoes.

Okay.

Like, in New York City streets, like, doing, like, total, like, one leg up, one leg down.

On a folding chair that she has out there in Times Square, it looks like, right?

Yeah, and, like, all these people are filming, and Joey Boos is just sitting here filming this shit.

Okay.

And that's basically so far what's going on.

Like, it's nothing.

She's got a camel toe going on, too, it looks like.

Oh, it's hot.

That camel toe, actually.

i think i'd hate her if i talked to her like i fucking i like to see her can't

excuse me old bag excuse me did he just say excuse me old bag all right hang on hang on

are you taking a picture of her excuse me are you taking a picture of her i'm videotaping her yeah

you have a problem with that why are you doing it in public i can't videotape you can't videotape

so he's videotaping your ass like the girl's bending over and stuff and you were just filming

like something going on he's zooming in on her on the booty and all the women around her

complaining that he can't do that and they're fat ladies so i'm shooting from this angle

that's my division i'm in public i'll do whatever the hell i want shut up he keeps going around

impositioning himself to get the ass pictures you're in you're in public you do whatever you

want so if you just start jerking in public well no but you have a right to you have a right to

record whatever you want you have no expectation of privacy in public but here comes a fucking

white knight getting in front of him within his rights this fucking biker gets in front trying

He's a fucking gentleman or something.

Who are you?

Don't worry about who the fuck I am.

I'm right in the middle of your shit.

So what the fuck?

What the fuck?

Don't touch my camera, goober.

Get out of my face.

Don't touch my camera, goober.

Get out of my fucking face.

I'll leave it right there, goober.

All right, goober.

Nice outfit, too.

Yeah, you wish you could work as hard as I can.

Right.

You're not getting a shot.

I'll do whatever I want.

You wish you could suck a dick as hard as I can.

Hey, man, chill out, dude.

Fuck your mom.

I'm gonna ask you this.

Dude, you just rode over my foot.

Don't touch me.

Don't touch me, dude.

Don't touch me.

Just ran over my foot.

That's why you got dropped.

Bye.

I'm having a problem with the bicycle

gentlemen

the bicycle guy needs to fucking chill out

jokes on all of them because Joey Boots was gay

so he wasn't

he wasn't trying to

he wasn't

he really was like

this is a crazy spectacle I'm going to film it

he wasn't creeping on the broad

you're right

that's the thing

this crazy shit is happening in my city

in the street

I'm going to film it

and then they're mad like you have no expectation of privacy on the street man that's true but the

fact that exactly but the fact of the matter is that it was a professional model shoot people

were taking pictures of that broad and then the but he wasn't allowed to it's garbage you're right

you're right you should have went with a classic argument you mad bro you mad bro guys all this

This fucking biking outfit and shit.

Anyway, so, come on, more prank calls, let's go.

I used that one IRL recently.

A biker?

Yeah.

Hilarious.

Look, can we do more prank calls?

More prank calls?

This guy was like, are you mad, bro?

Really?

You got one of those dudes?

Like, are you mad, bro?

He was going after you?

No, no, no.

No, this guy was, like, mad.

I was just, like, he's like, oh, if this was my campsite, I'd beat you up.

I'd be like, oh, fuck you, Joker.

Are you mad, bro?

I just started giving him a hand.

And he looked confused.

He was like, well, yeah, I am.

I was like, you mad?

You mad, bro?

Yeah.

He didn't do shit.

He doesn't get it.

He didn't do shit.

He doesn't get it.

He didn't get it, and he didn't do shit.

Exactly.

You tell him.

You got that long hair, and he still didn't do anything.

That's showing him.

Yeah, and he didn't do fucking shit.

Let's check on the Overeaters Anonymous.

Let's see what's up with them, see if they really gave up on things or not.

And again, a good shout-out to the listeners.

Thank you for calling our time.

If you are the moderator, please press 1.

Otherwise, please hold to be placed into the conference.

There are currently 52 other participants in the conference.

My habit, going over that every morning and going over the first three steps every morning and doing what I do.

Please press 1 to mute or unmute yourself.

You are now unmuted.

Because I ended up in the hospital.

I'd make a habit out of fucking that ass.

What?

That was inappropriate.

What do you want me to do, Trista?

Please press 1.

You are now muted.

Okay, hang on and then come back.

It's muted.

Please press 1 to mute or unmute yourself.

You are now unmuted.

Hi!

I'm happy I'm unmuted.

I got a boner.

Oh my god.

I'm very sexually aroused right now.

I call my dick boners.

Your language.

Dick boners.

and i was laughing already at boner source and then i heard dick wedge

i'm gonna call somebody i'll be back in a little bit call your ass well you're not gonna do

call your mama okay call your mama she's deceased because of pop you guys here yeah yeah we're here

i'm here anyway okay somebody will be back to take care of this okay okay i'm sorry i was muted

You did. I'm sorry. I'm here.

Yeah, thanks, Teresa.

Oh, please.

Yeah, thanks for calling, buddy.

You dumb bitch.

Try to carry on.

You're muted the whole time, you dumb bitch.

You bug boy.

And if it doesn't work, just keep muting.

Just keep muting.

Go to the down.

I will. Yeah, I will.

Okay.

So, yes, everybody just remember, you know, to press star one when you want to share.

Because I'll try to keep the line muted.

And who else would like to share it?

Please press one.

You are now unmuted.

The topic of my show, I'm sorry, I just had to mute the line again.

We have suggested the topic of light of thinking more clearly, working the program, working.

Please press 1 to mute or unmute yourself.

You are now unmuted.

About whatever's on your heart or your mind.

Happy Christmas.

Guys, is this just like a thing where you just record little bits and send them to people?

No, they mute us constantly.

Oh, why?

Hi, happy Christmas, y'all.

We're muted now.

Okay, so we're all here together.

Matt, when I hit one, you can talk, okay?

Four or six, you are now unmuted.

Hello, happy Christmas, y'all.

I'm starting some prayers.

How are you doing?

Happy Christmas.

Y'all remember the reason for the season, right?

I think a lot of this forgot.

Is there anybody who would like to share?

We're muted again.

again they keep me it's gonna keep me it's the same fucking fraud she yeah no she she meets

everyone and she unmutes herself and then we get a little bit in and yeah so hey put me at one right

quick if you want right what do i know hail satin six six six fuck you what was that what do you

want i said connect me to one right quick and this one say fuck you they'll say oh yeah sure

If I know that there's no way.

Thank you for calling our telephone meeting.

There are currently 47 other participants in the contest.

All right, Matt, you're going on.

I'm going to start one.

Using those wonderful tools.

A plant eating.

Please press 1 to mute or unmute yourself.

And Matt, take it away.

Hi there, y'all.

You are now unmuted.

Fuck y'all, stupid muting cunts.

Fuck you.

You're muted already.

We just want to talk and spread the joy.

She's already muted.

I'm muted.

Can you hear me?

Hi.

Yes, I'm Matt.

You're muted.

Where's Brother Carlos and me?

Please press 1.

You are now unmuted.

Brother Carlos would be like,

Yes, Teresa is contacting somebody who's on the dashboard.

Demon of shyness, of muting.

You get out, demon.

Rachel, continue on with the meeting,

but start

say starting prayers

say some prayers

read some prayers

a third step prayer

whatever prayer

you want to read

and talk over them

ignore them

right

yeah

that is exactly right

that's right

um

I really like that reading

would anybody like

to share

about it

yes

I would like

an effeminate male

to share with me

please

I can really

relate to it

because

I'm one of those

people who

you know

please

Please press 1 to mute.

You are now unmuted.

You can act on things and you can't.

Cha-cha-cha, diarrhea, cha-cha-cha.

Okay, so in...

Please press 1 to mute.

You are now unmuted.

It's good to remember.

It's not always...

Sometimes it can be counterproductive.

You know, if you're one of those people that get in your head and...

you are now muted number really is all right last one everyone anyone else like to share on that

reading or anything that's on please you are now unmuted hey there buddy happy christmas i was

just saying i like that little fruity dude that keeps talking and i'd like to call again and talk

to you i think maybe you could turn me against the okay i'm sorry i keep muting if i go away

for a minute, but Teresa is calling

either Carlos or

someone, whoever's on the dashboard,

to do something.

Carlos?

What do you need to do, Carlos?

I guess it's a Carlos.

Yeah.

Brother? Not brother.

Yeah, I'm a member of that whole thing.

Yeah, that's how I lost my weight.

That's how you find these numbers.

That's how I learned them.

They're like, we noticed

Carlos is here.

Wait a second

Carlos stop messing around

Alright you guys figured me out

Where else can we call anything else

It is 1.53 in the morning

I've been on for a while now

I got a number for Negroes Anonymous

Negroes Anonymous

Is that real

You just want me to start bragging

Like I don't have anything off hand

That's good

I got a 7-Eleven

In Hawaii

This is the guy that tried to do a demon voice

I believe his name was whore or hey

7-11 in Hawaii and he tried to do demon. Yeah, he's like I have a demon. I am a whore

Like stupid shit after fucking with him, bro

Maybe you could mento him we could try sure we could do the Mentos tonight. Why not? You could try man. I

Yep, I got it.

Yeah, I hear you, man.

You're out here doing this shit, man.

Oh, man.

How did that dial?

Brad, get your whistle on, yo.

I didn't even know how that dialed.

Doing this shit, man.

The buck that bought the bottle could have struck the lotto.

I'm like, that doesn't make any sense.

You're saying gambling's better than drinking?

Hell no, man.

I'd rather drink.

You're guaranteed to get something out of drinking.

I've always had a game, but I can buy a 12-pack.

I know what's going to happen.

That's my one line I've always disagreed with him.

You're going to break your ankle.

I already have.

Are you breaking my ankle?

No, no, no.

No, sir.

What's happening?

No, sir.

I don't know where I saved this angry Indian.

I don't know.

I'll just drag numbers.

Nobody has anything.

Hello?

Hi, sir. How you doing?

Okay, good. I'm calling from the corporate office.

How are you?

Yeah, good. Hey, yeah.

I wanted to see what kind of cologne were you going to wear tonight?

What kind of cologne are you wearing tonight, Banshok?

Don't be bashful.

It's okay. You want to smell me, too?

I'll tell you what I'm wearing tonight.

I'm wearing some Hermes.

I got some Hermes tonight.

I bought some Hermes to treat myself for Christmas.

It smells really good.

Oh, no, but you...

All right, okay, all right, all right.

You smell really good, right?

Who the fuck's in Ashby's

Happy Christmas to you?

Yeah, in Ashby.

That guy was fun, though, right?

That angry in there?

Well, yeah.

Can I use you?

Oh, I can just call him back, okay.

Apparently I can do that.

I don't know how you're able to dial, but...

I don't know what's going on.

I don't know what, I thought, yeah.

It's a Skype update.

Skype update.

It doesn't exist now.

Whoever calls it

pays for the calls.

They don't have anything to pay for it themselves.

I got more money

than shit, y'all.

I got money. I got stacks, yo.

Hey, Axpa, is that the number

that you shared?

Is that the one really angry

bench-o'd guy that threw money at the guy

and said, get the fuck out of my face?

Is that who we're looking at? Possibly.

Yeah, maybe?

I don't think so.

Oh, you don't think so.

Call that one, Matt.

Call that one that Axel put in there.

Hello?

Hey!

How you doing, buddy?

Yeah.

I'm going to call the one else.

I'm not going to, because apparently I found out I can just add numbers into this call

and keep calling it.

So, happy Christmas.

How are you?

Thank you.

We are fine.

We are at work.

We are celebrating the Christmas at work.

Oh, nice, nice, nice.

How's it going?

going i did santa claus bring you nice gifts uh let's hope so did she get you he get you something

for your for the santa claus did he get you something for your pussy for your pussy sorry

i don't we thought we'd know we thought you had a pet cat do you know the female sexual

i think i love you wow what was that place

click the one that x would put in there click it come on let's go let's go

i don't know what you guys are put in there i see this national okay crazy angry bancho

taxi cab driver let's go am i in control of this now just click it click it i'm telling you i am

okay i just add a group call okay let's go i don't say that that's go with me shit

call her a token cut who was that brah she sounded like cute i don't know where she came

from anyway here's a different one i'll do it myself wasn't the one number it was like another

one yeah hello oh it's a message yeah motherfucker you that's his voicemail he hasn't picked up at

all since he cursed us out i'll try it back for you i wouldn't know who that lady we called

was the one we're i don't know where they came from it's funny though someone dropped

i mean it's it's one of those things where because i said well i said i made a point to say i found

out that i can just drag numbers in and it calls all right all right come on let's go let's focus

here come on we gotta look it's a big night that's that's some uh some what what is that

kevin smith movie with the puck is with the broad from uh three's company with the video

chasing amy no mall rats mall rats yeah where she's like she's a gypsy and she's like fuck us

yeah i got you yeah fuck us yeah i got three nips fuck us yeah do we have a lead on any

businesses that might be open for sure tonight any ideas anybody i don't think i need chinamen

or jews uh but it's also like which one plate what gas station police stations yeah yeah let's

not do that let's not do that no hospitals how about hospitals no no no no no no no red

we've got hospitals oh we did a hospital recently actually yeah we did fred i don't know what it

was but i i dialed whatever this dwight number was but uh that that somebody gave us a number

i think it was sam and it was somebody in a hospital room that was on a respirator and we

we were fucking with.

Yeah, like an iron lung or something.

Yeah, she's, well, she's like,

like, I'm on a respirator.

The number of subscribers you have called is not available.

Please leave a message after the tone.

I always like that one,

because it's like a bad, bad egg thing.

She just drops those bombs and then skirts away.

Thank you for calling Capital Casino.

Please hold a moment.

Capital Casino.

Capital Casino, Chris speaking.

Hey, Chris, how you doing?

Yay!

How are you?

Merry Christmas.

Hey, have you guys seen my glucometer?

What?

Have you seen my glucometer, motherfucker, you?

Have I seen what?

My glucometer, motherfucker, you.

No.

I had a glucometer over in the poker room.

You had a what?

My glucometer over in the poker room.

I don't even know what that is.

It checks the diabetic sugar on it.

Oh, yeah, I know. I don't know it.

Do you have a lost or found?

Yes, hold on a sec.

Hey, what kind of cologne are you wearing?

Don't wear it.

I bet you smell really good and natural, right?

You got a nice musk too?

I'll go check on your meter.

5 p.m. till 3.30 a.m. every day.

Thank you for calling Paris, Las Vegas.

Your call may be recorded for quality assurance.

Thank you for calling Paris, Las Vegas.

This is Marcelle, my sister Cole.

Hey, I need to talk to someone in a suit.

I'm sorry, in the where, sir?

I need to talk to someone wearing a suit on the floor.

Pit boss or something like that.

Okay.

Well, what are we trying to address, sir?

So that way I can make sure you get to the right area.

Yeah, hurry up.

Let's go.

Yes, sir.

What are we trying to address so I can make sure that you get to the right area?

There was a problem because I was being dealt a card, and the card came up upside down.

He showed it to me, and he buried the card.

That can't happen.

Okay.

Then I'll connect you over to a casino manager to take a call.

Let's go.

All right, sir, may I get your name, please?

Yep, it's Lou.

May I get your name, please?

Lou.

Lou?

Yeah.

That's L-O-U?

Yep.

Thank you, Lou.

One moment, please, so I can hold the vicarious initiative.

Let's go.

I'm sorry, sir, I heard noise in the background.

Yeah, it's me saying let's go, let's go.

Okay, well, thank you, Lou.

Just a moment, please.

All right.

For doing the things you love.

You little talk, fucking being a fucking little smartass on me.

Learn more at totalrewards.com.

I didn't stutter.

I clapped and I said let's go.

Thank you, go ahead, please.

I love you.

Yeah, this is Pip Boss.

Merry Christmas, Taylor.

Yeah, this is Jeff.

Yeah, Jeff, listen, I don't appreciate the fact that I was playing poker there

and the dealer flopped the card over on accident.

Oh, you need a poker manager.

Well, that would have been a winning fucking hand, motherfucker, you.

So you need to speak with a poker manager.

I speak to whoever, but we need to get this fixed up.

What kind of cologne you got on?

What kind of what?

What kind of cologne you wearing?

Very odd question.

Well, what cologne do you wear?

Does it matter?

Yeah, it does.

I got to write this down.

All right.

You have a nice night.

Oh, come on, motherfucker, you.

Aw.

I love you.

I A-A any time anyone, like, you say, what kind of cologne do you wear?

And there's, like, people don't say nothing.

They're dummies.

They don't wear cologne.

He's embarrassing.

Keeper calling the Paris, Las Vegas.

It shows you wear stupid cologne and don't want to talk about it.

That reminds me.

Matt, you don't dig showers, Matt, but do you do cologne?

do you do cologne since you don't do showers i do not my friend you do ax spray anything

to help out i do i do ax deodorant oh my god i'm all about it really i'm all about the

that counts yeah it kind of does you got some speed stick over there and i'm all about the

ax deodorant it was like golden something like my biker buddy back in the day said like

fucking brought it no like the smell is so it's something gold and then i bought gold

gold i don't whatever so i guess pretty pictures on the on the on the thing too

look like video game characters pretty pictures well damage your brain don't do it hey lads

so you inhale the axe i'm guessing smart i think you probably could you could put a bottle axe

like of their spray upside down that's what i was saying earlier like i used to take because

my granddad was a fucking janitor dude so he had all kinds of like industrial solvents and

shit in the basement and he was still from work i'm not your granddad you fucking liar

no not my granddad really was a fucking janitor uh asian janitor he was an electrician maker thing

but i would spray them upside down into a bag my grandma had these stupid little newspaper bags for

the south town economist so i'd get a little shot of that i'd put a straw in these stupid things

it's the whole thing but yeah i'm a big fan of inhalants you're a big fan of inhalants

but yeah yeah well you still say though yeah okay um that was a missing russian tuple of

of TU-154 military

plane reported missing Sunday.

It's confirmed that it's crashed and the

plane wreckage was found in the Black Sea

machine. There you go. That's what

you guys get. World War III, god damn it.

Well, it's like, you know, Obama said

that we're going to retaliate

and some of the things we're going to be knowing

are not. I bet you that's part of it.

All I have to say is that it's okay because we're

still under Obama's watch. Yep.

And it's not Trump's fault. We hacked

the plane. We brought it down.

I bet you that's exactly what happened.

hack the planet

how come you're not calling

call Trump's casino

hey great idea

does he have a casino in Vegas anymore

or are they just out

he's got a hotel

he's got the big building in Chicago

Jim Van Bebber

he never hangs out at the Chicago building

though he's always in Florida or New York

right

I've caged it with him a couple times

there but I don't know

I got the number to the Vegas one

now remember I know it's really

crazy and stupid

Dwight but this is the fucking president

of the United States that's right

you can imagine if

I was about to call the Obama Tower

in Vegas this is what this is

hey

thank you for calling

Hotel Las Vegas

this call may be monitored or recorded for quality

assurance and training purposes

nothing about it

That's all I'd ever have to tell anybody.

Just go and check my voting record, motherfucker.

Finally, the Trump International is on in Las Vegas.

I'm going to direct your call.

Hey, stupid.

Is there a casino here?

No.

No?

Why not?

I don't know.

Oh, wow.

Do it, hey, lads.

Are there inhalants here?

What the hell is your brain?

Don't do it, hey, lads.

Hello?

Do you have a life?

Do I have a life?

Did you really ask me that, you stupid little bitch, you?

Why would you ask that?

He has a fucking goddamn wife and child in the way.

Jesus Christ.

Oh my God.

I'm sorry, Carlito.

You're way too young.

Oh my God.

I feel like you're not a real person.

There's an erotic heritage museum.

It opens at 11 a.m.

Never mind.

That's kind of funny.

Find some hookah lounges.

We'll fucking do it.

Oh, yeah.

You like the hookah lounges and putting the stuff in your ass.

Here's the wind.

Because they're just as bad as the fucking aliens.

You know what?

But, hey, I hate to do it, but I just finished a beer, but happy Christmas, y'all.

I am going to go, because I got to go to Christmas shift tomorrow.

Get out of here.

You got to go.

Well, I know, but I'm saying, like, if I don't, I got to be there by 1 in the afternoon tomorrow,

so if I don't, like, go to bed soon.

Whatever.

I'm drinking right now.

I got to be there at 9 a.m.

Whatever.

Dude, you just got to drink yourself some Pedialyte, you'll be fine.

Alright, fine, go. Bye, bye.

You're going to drink a six pack

before you go there anyway. What's the fucking deal?

For real.

I love you, Katz. Happy Christmas.

I don't know if when I

hang up, it's going to fuck up

everything. Alright, we'll find out.

It's alright. Alright, bye.

For real, I love you, Katz.

Yeah, I love you too, man. See you, man. Bye.

Merry Christmas.

Alright, now.

Things got all quiet now.

Alright, here's the

Caesar's Palace.

Thank you for calling

Caesar's Atlantic City.

For room or restaurant reservations,

please press 1.

For Diamond Club menu,

for all other inquiries,

please press 3.

Thank you for calling

Caesar's Atlantic City.

Your call may be recorded for quality assurance.

Thank you for choosing Caesar's Atlantic City

operator. How many can we assist you?

Hey, honey.

Before my friend makes an appointment or whatever, I need to know, is your location pager-friendly?

Is it what?

Pager-friendly.

Pager-friendly?

Yeah.

Will I get a signal to my pager?

I'm sure you will get a signal to your pager.

Do you have phone banks so I can make a call?

We do not have phone banks, sir.

There's phones in your room.

Yes, there are phones in your room.

Okay, okay.

I can't stop selling drugs just because we're on vacation.

Okay, go ahead.

Goodbye, sir.

It's Atlantic City.

They know all about that, man.

This ain't fucking Vegas you're calling.

Don't they have phone banks?

What are you, RBCP?

Thank you for calling Cesar's Atlantic City.

Do you have a phone bank so I can connect my blue box to it?

Please press 1.

No, it's a fucking phone bank.

For Diamond Club menu, please press 2.

Thank you for calling Cesar's Atlantic City.

My name is Anna.

How may I assist you?

Yeah, I need to talk to one of the guys in the suit.

I'm not sure what you mean.

You want a shift manager in the casino?

Because some motherfucker over there messed up my down card.

One moment.

The dealer forgot to deal himself a fucking down card,

and all the players completed their fucking hands.

One moment, sir.

Fuck.

Access your account.

For room and restaurant reservations, press 2.

For human resources, press 3.

For Tropicana box office, press 4.

For the front desk and hotel services, press 5.

For concierge and general information, press 6.

For lost and found, press 7.

for the Tropicana Operator.

All right, take it away, man.

Hang on, let me get back to my...

There, there it goes.

Yes, services, this is Jackie.

How may I assist you?

Yes, good evening, Jackie.

How are you?

I'm fine, thank you.

Oh, yeah, that's wonderful.

Okay, so I'm missing something.

I stayed in one of the rooms a couple nights ago, and I just returned home, and I opened my suitcase, and I'm missing an item.

Okay, let me connect you to security.

That's all lost and found.

Okay.

The next time you purchase tickets...

Front button, stupid.

Tubcan security.

Yes, hello.

Is this the lost and found?

No, transfer over.

Rewards card today.

Holy shit, what's going on over there?

Two transfers?

I'm pissed.

Security.

Hello, is this the lost and found?

Security.

Yes, sir.

Security.

Can I help you?

Lost and found.

Okay, okay.

I got transferred two times.

I pushed button seven.

Is this the right place?

This is lost and found.

Security.

Okay, great.

What can I do for you?

Gosh, you kind of sound like Tyler Durden.

Can you...

I stayed there a couple nights ago,

and I just returned home,

and I noticed I was missing an item.

Hello?

Yes, sir.

Are you banging the phone down on the ground?

It's pretty loud.

Huh?

Hello?

Dirty Aaron.

He used to be on a lot more

He's not really around the community much anymore

Fuck you Brad

So what I'm looking for is

It's gonna be a bag

Okay like a book bag

Yeah maybe

It's more like a Ziploc bag

Is there any Ziploc bags in there

What did you say like a duffel bag

It's more like a bag of poop

Say that again

It's more like a Ziploc bag

Full of

brad carter's poop oh yeah yeah brad's not muted and he's talking to his wife's girlfriend

telephone conversation explaining uh brad westwood i guess the ricotta bear

he's explaining the history he's radioing in right now

the fucking history of dirty aaron he's like oh yeah he's not out much anymore

he's all right well then matt left and i was inquiring now brad brad just wait till they

get on the line you motherfucker oh shit all right i could try another one we need hooker

turds uh boardwalk convention authority no resorts yeah but yeah uh dirty i had a found

this guy on facebook live uh he was working at a gym and called him and told him that uh

I had left a condom full of semen in the locker room,

and I was asking if they had found it

and if they could preserve it in the cooler

where they keep the Gatorade and the soda and shit.

Right.

No, yeah, you can't throw that away.

You can't splash the seed on the ground,

otherwise it's a sin.

He was not happy.

I was like, yeah, just put it in a box

and you can put it in the cooler.

I could literally see the cooler behind him.

I'm like, yeah, just put it in that cooler

where you guys keep it up by the desk.

he was fucking

I kept calling him over and over

I haven't put it out on Facebook yet

or not Facebook but on YouTube yet

and I'm just like

oh yeah just keep it

you know I can't let they get into

the wrong hands and all this shit

and he's like sir quick call

aid here

hello and thank you for calling the El San Juan

hotel and casino we are currently

remodeling and upgrading for new

air the hotel and casino are

are temporarily closed.

We do have a pre-opening team on site

and are here to assist.

It closes to Lars?

Okay, whatever.

We'll call the Embassy Suites.

This is a small casino.

They have a very small casino here.

But, Brent, you're going to call for hooker turds?

Yeah, man.

Thank you for calling

Embassy Suites Hotel and Casino San Juan.

Gracias por llamar al Embassy Suites

Hotel y Casino San Juan.

Para continuar en español,

favor de mascarilla.

I don't know if they're speaking your language, Carlos.

For Reservation Style 2, Sales and Marketing 3, Catering 4, Front Desk 5.

Sweet.

We can help you.

Yeah, lost and found.

Hurry up.

Hello.

Say what now?

Can you hear me?

Do what now?

Yeah, I'm hearing you, sir.

What?

Hello.

Hello, can you hear me?

Yeah, I'm hearing you, sir.

Okay.

Do you have the lost and found?

That's correct.

Is this it?

I can transfer you to there.

Give me a moment.

Thank you.

Yeah.

All right.

Hurry up.

Stupid.

We'll do it for two hours.

He's a stupid you.

Hello?

Good evening, this is Angelo.

How can I help you for security?

Yeah, is this the lost and found?

Yes.

All right, do you have an English-speaking lost and found?

Yes, how can I help you?

No, no, I need you to transfer me for a pure white lost and found only.

Let me do the lost and found.

Okay, so I lost something?

Yes.

All right, so I was there, and I dropped a Ziploc bag.

When you checked out?

Shit.

What time you checked out, when?

Oh, two nights ago.

That was when?

The 22nd.

22.

Where were you?

I don't know.

I was on the third floor.

I was with a woman.

She made the reservation.

Yeah, but I need to know the room.

Yeah, well, but I just, it was, it was a hooker.

I was with a hooker.

Do you know this?

Mm-hmm.

She made the reservation.

so i just went with her but i don't i don't have sex with her you understand so what do you love

no what i do is i have her poop in a bag and i i saved the poop the hooker turd but i lost it

did you find it okay i don't have time for this amigo oh no i'm not an ego it's a hooker turd

i got amigo amigo oh my god

oh yeah jesus christ brad i should have hooked her just showed up in the irc

oh no he's my there she is man you found her brad's my neighbor

why is he hating on me brad's drunk as shit brad's drunk given everyone's background and

on the phone brad doesn't get drunk does he no brad's a teetotaler he only drinks uh diet two

Two liters of Diet RC.

He's unmuted, given everyone's background.

I think he's fucking talking to you.

Oh, he's talking to you.

Fuck, he's a trap.

Asshole, bruh.

Good morning, Water Club. This is John speaking.

Is this the Blue Hotel?

This is the Water Club Hotel in La Verde Avenue. How can I help you?

The blue one? The blue one?

The one with the blue lights, yes.

Oh, shit, motherfucker. That's the fucking one I'm looking for, you know?

Okay.

Yeah, hey, Matt, so I was there before, and I left something over there.

Okay, the thing is, actually, if you were here, and you left something like an ID or something like that,

you have to contact the last and front department, but they're actually here from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. only.

Do you even see a hooker there?

No.

Okay, because I put my fingers inside the woman, and my wedding ring came off, and it's inside of her.

I was wondering if maybe she turned it in the front.

At least nobody has given anything here at the front desk.

Do you have any woman there?

Maybe it has the finger, my ring in her fucking pussy or something?

No.

Oh, okay.

Can you check your asshole?

Can you make inspection?

I want to come.

What kind of cologne do you wear?

That's my thing.

What kind of cologne do you wear?

Let me do one.

Okay, okay.

What do you want?

I swear to God, the RBCP is having phone sex.

Let me do one.

He's talking to his old lady.

Be nice over there.

Yeah, he said he's a good boy.

It's probably stroking his pubic bush right now talking about us.

Thinking it's all right.

All right, here's the Intercontinental.

You ever think his old lady, like, punishes him over the phone?

He's got to take, like, a pair of tweezers and pull his pubes out one by one.

Oh, that reminds me of my ex-girlfriend.

Thank you for calling the Intercontinental San Juan.

Currently, all the guest service agents are on the other line.

Please stay online and the next available agent will be with you shortly.

Do you know me?

Hello, I left something at the hotel, can you help me out?

I lost something

Some what, sorry?

I lost something at the hotel when I was staying there

That's cool, you're not getting any of it

I lost, hello?

Okay, why don't you stay here?

Yes, sir

I left this morning, can you help me find it?

I can barely hear you, sorry

I lost my virginity, I lost it, I lost my virginity

You hear it? That's the joke, you hear the joke?

Fuck

It's just sitting there

who is that is this like an african guy going oh no i don't know african i don't know

it sounded really african is that in africa no no this is uh the caribbean oh today thank you

for calling the ritz-carlton san juan this is carmen how may i assist you yeah i'm gonna put

on my friend zack's he's from the uk he left something there hey hey hey i'm back in england

now but when i i lost something in the hotel could you comment could you help me out

allow me to direct your call to security one moment please stupid oh

oh brad man come on man brad's girlfriend hello hello hey hello oh man come on brad man

come on man you're messing stuff up man brad's girlfriend if you're listening you tell them

you is shit we see that thank you for calling the rich carlton sam one this is carmen how may

May I assist you?

Hey, Carmen, I want to know where Matt went.

Where did Matt go?

I'm so sorry.

I cannot understand you.

Where?

I lost my vision.

Where did Matt go?

There are millions of us, the psalm says.

They can't do anything.

And even if they could, who will guarantee our safety?

How can I take the children?

Hello?

Hi.

Hi, I'm trying to direct your call to security, but did they hang up?

I lost my virginity in the hotel.

I need your help to recover it.

Can you re-virginize me, please?

Sir, is there anything else I can assist you with?

Would you like for me to direct your call to security?

Okay, do it.

Go.

Make it happen.

I had to disconnect Brad.

He's just going and going.

Prevention.

Hello?

I need your help.

I lost something in the hotel.

Please help me.

Hello?

I lost something in the hotel.

Why are you not listening?

Okay, what room were you staying in?

Well, I'm going to put on my friend.

He's there.

He's staying.

He needs to talk to you about losing something.

You need to listen, okay?

God damn it.

Go ahead, Zach.

Hello, can you hear me?

Listen to my words.

I lost something in the hotel.

Can you help me?

Okay, what room were you in?

You were in room 210.

I lost my virginity in the room.

I need you to help me find it again.

Can you help me?

Go on, go ahead.

Good for you.

you hey maybe she took it you started taking it you were saying about where matt went where

oh he left he had to go i don't know but i was just wondering why he left like that because he

was all about going on late i think he caught up to him let's call we'll call brad back if he's not

if he's gonna inhale it yeah that's it i'm deadly boy try it just say no to inhalants no no xyz

he hasn't done a call yet what's up hello we are not available please why don't you just tell me

you don't care what no i don't care oh my gosh looking for casinos because i need to say that

i lost my money i need it back jesus christ i got baby's defeat it's his birthday i gotta buy

diapers i could buy baby food i need that money back all right let's try let's try the mirage

the big Illuminati casino.

Tell me it isn't.

Look at that fucking bill

and tell me there's

that Illuminati shit

going on there right now.

He's probably got

a lot of secrets in there.

Fucking eye of Bafa

wearing everything.

It's a big eye of Bafa.

...monitored and recorded

for quality assurance purposes.

Oh, man,

I've had a lot of whiskey tonight.

Please press one

for the concierge.

Please press two.

It's going to be one of those

that sounds like shit tonight.

I ain't going,

I ain't dealing with that.

We already called the Paris.

Here's the Flamingo.

I heard shit about that.

I heard some shit

about the flamingos one of them old ones one of them caesar ones the flamingo las vegas we're

calling flamingo in las vegas this is janae how may i help you yeah i lost something in the casino

and i need to get this back hold on please i need to get it back i said security locks found this

is officer quit now may i help you yeah hey officer quit i need to find something i lost

something there and i need to get it back i have stuff i gotta do i don't have time for this i

I understand that.

Yeah.

What could it be?

Some about $300.

$300 cash?

Yeah, it was cash money.

I came in there with $300 cash money, and I don't have it anymore.

Okay.

Are you in a room?

No, I came in.

I was just gambling, and I lost $300.

I need to get that back.

I have a baby formula I got to buy.

I got babies at home.

I got two twin babies.

Gamble it?

Well, yeah.

Yeah, and my wife said I had to call back and get this straightened out

because I got to get that back because we have to buy baby food for the babies

and the diapers and stuff.

She was just telling her I came home.

I said, hey, I lost that money, $300.

I gambled in the slots.

She said, no, you need to call back and get that straightened out.

You need to get that money back, she said,

because we need to buy diapers and stuff and baby food.

Well, I apologize, sir, but there's nothing I can do about that.

Well, I lost that money there.

I need to get it back.

This is lost and found.

Yeah, but this is lost and found items.

them so it's exactly yeah and cell phones but it's another thing no money wallets and stuff

i'm gonna put my lorry on mr x mr guy dr guys baltar maybe help out hello sir um this is dr

baltar here can you hear me okay yeah yeah listen my client here he um what happened here and the

slot machines is he he tripped and fell and this 300 went into the slot machines so we're just

going to need you to um give us our 300 back because my client needs to buy baby food i

understand so with all due respect to the nevada gaming board allows us the authority once you

actually put money into a machine or any of our cards exchange them for chips sir sir with all

due respect okay i'm i'm i only recognize the federation charter here and it says here that

that you are liable for this incident, okay?

No, we are not, sir.

Yes, you are.

Under Federation Charter Section 32, right here.

What do you have to say for yourself?

There's nothing to say.

And what's your name, sir?

It would be Officer Quintinor.

Officer what?

Quintinor.

Okay.

All right.

Well, I've written you down right here, Officer Clitt.

I got you written down.

Okay.

Now, I'm going to pass you back over to my client,

and I want you to apologize to him, okay?

Yeah, Officer Clitoris, you need to apologize to me over this incident.

Okay, well, have a wonderful day and Merry Christmas to you.

No, apologize, I said, motherfucker, you.

You didn't apologize?

I like the idea there.

That was my move.

Could have been a technicality.

You tripped and fell and the money fell on the slide.

Such a sleazy lawyer thing to say.

Obviously, that's what happened.

The slot machine called you a bitch afterwards.

Calls may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance purposes.

Hey Drunk Brandy

I need to talk to someone I lost

Say that again

I got a lost and found issue

Let's go

Lost and found

Let's go

Hey Brandy with a Y or an I

Either way she's a fucking whore

Oh she was still on the line

Uh oh

Taking her time

Calls may be monitored or recorded

For quality assurance purposes

Hello, this is a totally different person.

I need to talk to this, uh, lost and found.

Let's try to get Brad back here and see if he can get us in.

Hey, boy, how you doing?

Listen, I lost something over there.

I need to get that back.

My wife said I had to call, get this straightened out.

All right, what you got left over here?

$300.

$300?

Yeah, I lost it.

Where'd you lose it?

On the casino floor.

On the casino floor?

Yeah.

I don't remember where.

um let's see what happened was was i was walking and i was trying to leave and i tripped and the

money money must have gone into one of the machines and i can't get it back and i came home

i said hey baby like you know i lost $300 and she's like no you need to get that taken care

of motherfuckers like throwing stuff like you mother effing you that we have a baby now and

We got to pay diapers tomorrow and buy baby food and all this stuff.

And she bought me a Norelco shaver for Christmas.

She broke it.

She put it in the garbage disposal, and she turned it on.

It won't turn on anymore.

She said I had to call and get it taken care of.

Yeah, that's what it is.

All right, I'm going to put you through to my lawyer.

He'll take care of this.

Sounds good.

Dr. Baltar, are you there?

Yes, this is Dr. Baltar here.

Sir, are you causing some issues with my client here?

you're refusing to return the money that he rightfully has,

that it's his legal tender?

Right.

Yeah, any way that he would need to get that handled is to come back down here.

He can speak with security personally, and we can go ahead and take care of him.

What do you mean by take care of him, sir?

Take care of him.

He can go ahead and file a formal complaint.

Are you going to be servicing him?

What's happening here?

Right.

So 80025...

Hey, hey, hey, hey, buddy.

okay I don't give you permission to read the phone number out you don't have you

don't have jurisdiction okay recorded nice case every good so I mean it's 2

40 in the morning I'm still able I it's almost 8 a.m. for me

I'm still awake you guys gonna help me out here so what should we call and what

What kind of numbers should we call that I should look for?

Mr. Dwight, do you have wanker numbers for Brent Westwood?

Yeah, give me the wankers.

Yeah, he wanted the wankers earlier.

Let's go, let's go.

The wanker tool is busted.

Ah, well, fuck it then.

Thanks a lot, Dashie.

Thanks for nothing.

All right, that ain't going to work.

Do you want UK numbers?

Is that what you want?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll try to get some.

Yeah, there you go.

Open up that phone book of yours, boy.

I will. I'm gonna go and get the BT phone book and look inside.

Get the proper, get some proper cockney pensioners.

I have, I have the British equipment.

Some East End, East End pensioners.

Wait, then we'll have to find out what they're getting for Christmas, right?

Maybe we can make a deal.

Let's call RBCP, let's see if we can get that boy on the phone here.

Uh, guest7045 in the IRC says it's late, let's get racial.

Oh shit, all right.

How do I redial RBCP if I disconnected him?

On the machine, it's acting really funky.

Let's see.

i'll do it i'll do it i'll do it there we go that's crazy and disruptive the fact that you

can just anyone whoever dials a number in a conference pays for it matt was connecting

numbers i'm like whoa i have no control here holy shit i need some input you know um recess

what did you do dwight is it ringing him or is it just did it just did it do anything it's ringing

is it okay i did the plus sign and then and uh add people to this call and rbcp cool well

hopefully he said no answer no answer from brad okay well brad i just disconnected because you

were muted and you know i wanted you to be on kind of bouncing me out all right here's uh uk

numbers for brent westwood these are coming in from uh zax excellent great thanks man oh they're

they're not formatting your call cannot be completed i gotta do 01144 and then oh i

fucked that up oh yeah you good i think i can i think i can i'll do it again i'll edit it i'll

edit it i'll edit it edit your call cannot be completed 01144 there you go wait no oh but now

it's not all no it's cool i just copy paste it's cool it's cool baby it goes in a different

i can't believe you maybe try it without the o uh take out the plus and then add 011 instead

but i got the first one no plus i think no no no you just take away the zero like this

it's not those that's exactly what it is

is there a name chat room chat chat chat skype chat jamie castle jamie castle castle here's

another castle oh castle oh this is mr westwood calling how are you mr westwood is this mr castle

i am sir well you have now excuse me i need to know if there was a man in a little red suit that

had uh done a uh breaking and entering into your home this evening no no don't you can't hang up

no no i don't allow you i do not give permission oh i was waiting for you to hang up so here's

what you have to do here's what you have to do if you want me to stop you fuck welcome to voicemail

The person you have called is unavailable.

All right, I'll call Castle back.

The number is not answering.

I'm going to call back the one that didn't answer.

I've got more than you could ever need.

Good.

More than you could ever need.

Calling the one that did answer.

Calling him back there, Mr. Castle.

Hello, is this Castle?

Who's this?

Hello, this is Mr. Westwood calling.

How are you?

What do you want?

This is Mr. Westwood calling from the Elf Administration.

From the what?

Administration?

Yes.

Okay,

what do you want?

It's a wind-up call, love. How are you?

Oh, it's fine, thanks.

Anyway, it's really nice to speak to you.

Buh-bye.

Don't hang up.

No.

Bitch.

Christmas morning UK pranks.

Yeah, it's kind of, it's already 8 a.m.

We're not waking them up anymore.

Yeah, everyone's already opening the door.

No, no, they don't believe in Christ.

There's no Christmas there.

This is not true.

This is an atheist country.

Atheist.

Socialist atheist.

A call cannot be taken at the moment.

Please.

Ah, go shove your head up a bear's asshole.

Next one.

A polar bear's asshole.

Yeah.

Come on, let's go, let's go, connect.

I'm on the Android device, so I can't see the chat really well.

That's all right.

Not connecting.

All right, next one.

Next one.

Let's go.

I've got to get to bed.

Piece of shit.

Fucking phone I bought in China.

Suck.

Oh, you bought it in China?

Yeah, I should have bought the same phone.

But I fucking...

Yeah, hi, Castle?

Hello?

Miss Castle?

No.

Oh, I thought this was...

Who wants her?

Oh, well, I need to speak to her, please.

Oh, this is Cross.

This is important.

I need to speak with H. Castle on Hull Ford Road.

And who's the number?

Oh, well, it's in the book here.

The city book.

Then will you please tell me who you are

And what you're ringing about

And if I can get hold of her, I will

Okay, well, I'm a bear's asshole

Why don't you stick your head up it

For international business machines

Then you can say what you want to speak for a machine for

Well, because I want you to stick your head up a bear's asshole

Pardon?

I want you to stick your head up a bear's asshole

A polar bear

Do you?

Yeah

Well, you can go up there first

I've already been up there

Alright, next one

Who wants the next one?

Here we go.

Hello, love.

This is Mr. Westwood calling.

How are you?

Merry Christmas.

Happy Christmas.

All right.

Nice to hear.

Do you believe in Jesus Christ, our baby Lord and Savior?

And on his birthday, are you celebrating him by consuming mass quantities and bears assholes?

I'll call back.

Hello, this is Mr. Westwood.

You got the wrong number.

No, I am Mr. Westwood.

Nope, nope.

You can't.

Yeah, you can't.

You can't.

Brent, you know that better than I do.

Come on.

Come on, Aaron.

Here's another try.

All right, let's do it, let's do it, let's go, let's go.

Hello, ma'am.

How are you?

Fine.

Merry Christmas.

All right, this is Mr. Westwood calling from the Visa card.

I'm just going to hang up when you say Visa card, man.

Yeah, because they're scared.

They get scam calls more than the United States does, I think.

Zach, confirm that.

You guys get a lot of scam callers over there?

Yeah, yeah.

Like people, like my family, I know they freak out and they go,

I'm calling the police for this telephone scam.

oh wow oh yeah but i don't sound like a fucking dirty south african so

you know well you sound foreign to them uh they don't like it they don't like the telephone

oh yeah i gotta speak with a with a proper hello miss castle yeah hello hi mr castle how you doing

merry christmas what do you want this christmas morning oh yeah i was calling to see did you open

your presents yet i wanted to see if you wanted to trade anything what yeah i wanted if you got

got your christmas presents yet this morning i wanted to trade who's speaking oh this is cross

i got a bear's asshole here i thought maybe you could stick your head up the bear's asshole

what okay hello hi mrs castle your husband wanted me to call you to talk about your labia and your

vagina and your vulva and your pubic hair and your clitoris that's what he gets

calling back you guys take it see if they pick up again

oh i didn't even try to ring it man come on oh sir yes can i interest your wife in some

what sorry can we interest your wife in some entertainment oh well i'm speaking on behalf of

uh dwight mcclanahan no no no not this morning but only family we want to entertain your wife

her vagina damn dwight lost control there he couldn't stop laughing oops there trying to get

all racialist wow what were you trying to say it's something you're trying to say entertainment

hello yeah hi mrs castle yeah oh hi this is cross i'm calling to wish you a merry christmas did you

open your presents yet hey sir mr cross mr castle this is mr cross good merry christmas good morrow

I don't know who the heck you are.

Oh, well, we're all old friends.

I live here on Rowan Way.

We're neighbors.

Yeah, we're neighbors.

Yes, we are.

Did you open your gifts yet?

I opened mine.

I got a lot of good things.

Oh, I live on number 60, Rowan Way.

Well, it doesn't mean a thing to me.

Well, we're neighbors.

I wanted to call and wish you a Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas to you, and I'm busy.

How many fingers did you put in your vagina?

Jesus Christ, she was fucking deaf.

She had her TV up all the way.

God damn, with that church TV.

Bleeds of magic.

Hello?

Yeah, Mr. Castle?

Yeah?

Hey, yeah, I live at number 60 Rowan Way.

I'm your neighbor.

How you doing, brother?

I'm sorry, I can't hear you properly.

I live at number 60 Rowan Way.

Yeah?

Yeah, I'm your neighbor.

How you doing, brother?

Pardon?

Merry Christmas.

Oh, Merry Christmas.

One minute.

Let me speak to you.

I don't know who it is.

He says he lives at number 60, and I don't know who the heck they are.

I don't know who you are.

Oh, how big is your wife's vagina?

Why?

How big is your wife's vagina?

Yeah.

With an American voice.

Oh, I'm your neighbor.

Yeah.

I don't know who you are.

She just called you the N-word.

She's fucking mad.

American voice.

She left it off the hook.

That's some phallus way, isn't it?

Yeah.

The 58, 58 speed, Denny's.

Phallus osis 58.

Yeah.

Joke.

Yeah.

Did Matt come back?

Is that what's going on?

No whistle, no whistle.

They're just going to remain.

All right, that was fun.

That was fun.

Here's another castle.

Who wants it?

Yeah.

I got castles for days.

I got every castle in the UK.

Yeah.

Every castle.

We're going to invade every castle.

I hope you got Darth Vader's castle.

Oh, oh, I've just found something glorious.

How many?

Ten at a time, guys.

Ten at a time.

Hello?

Hello, love.

This is Castle.

Hello?

Who is this?

This is Castle.

Why doesn't it say it was Santa?

Go away, please.

Dead.

Ha ha ha.

She said Santa's grotto.

Damn.

I was expecting a call from a child.

They're probably just divorced.

Castle is dead.

Which number is this?

Hello?

Which number is this?

I like you.

Hey, why are you talking shit about the American president on the TV, motherfucker, you?

I heard you talk about it.

Which one is this?

That was the first Jay Castle.

Here's the second one.

Okay, good.

But I can't be doing this all night, all right?

I'm just saying.

I'm running out of gas here.

I'm starting to get really...

How far down the list are you?

The second Jay Castle.

Oh, let me look.

Hello?

You're through to 827416.

Sure.

next one d castle d dog hello mr castle hello this is mr westwood calling is this mr castle

all right it's good to hear uh is is your wife home yeah oh yeah uh this is uh i'm a big dick

american calling i was wondering if you guys were interested in some some big dicks over there i

understand yours are quite small no oh i think this is the last call of the night i'm sorry to

to say but this is it it has to be shit you're shit i got thousands more numbers i know what

would you go on sax go on go on man please go on please i gotta go open my presents

oh come on your presents how old are you that you waited this on again oh my god

oh i haven't received them yet i've opened the ones i've received i haven't received

I have to go receive my presents.

I haven't received them.

Ms. Castle?

Hello?

Is that Ms. Castle?

Hello?

Ms. Castle?

Who is that?

Well, this is a whole group of big dick Americans.

I'm going to put my mom on the line, Axpa.

Go ahead, Axpa.

Talk, whatever your name is when you're a woman.

Yes, hello there, dear.

How are you this morning?

You should have been doing those the whole time.

What's wrong with you, Axpa?

What are you, a fart?

How big, stupid I am, yes.

Yeah, you are. Here's Castle Smith. Do the old woman voice. Let's get this going. Come on, let's go, let's go.

All right, all right, yes.

Hold the green. Fuel the green.

Oh, good morning, ma'am. Good morning, yes. Happy Christmas to you.

Yes, I was walking by your home this morning. You're really busy in the middle of the road.

Sorry?

Your wheelie bin, it's in the middle of the road.

It's going to get hit by the cars.

All right, okay, thank you for letting me know.

Yes, there was a man standing next to it with his wheelie out.

It was quite perplexing.

It made me moist in my fanny.

Okay, thank you.

I was taking photographs,

and I posted one on your front stoop of me with fanny.

Oh, my God.

he's like okay that's great

oh my god

he's like the weirdest call

I'm calling her back

yes yes the man

he had a very small willy

I thought you wanted to know

maybe perhaps your husband

if you have one

he had his willy out

and it was not erect

it was flaccid

like my husband

Bertrand

Before he passed

That was quite a long time ago

I haven't been this moist

Since he passed

Would you like to let me

Crazy ladies call me

That's brilliant

The wheelie bit's in the middle of the road

And then all of a sudden

A man with a wheelie out

And you have a moist fanny

And from what I understand

Fanny means the opposite

Than it does in the United States and the UK

Hello

Hello? Hello?

Good morning, dear. Happy Christmas.

Happy Christmas.

What are you doing this morning?

Pardon?

What are you doing this morning, dear?

I want you to know...

Oh, hello, Ed here. Happy Christmas.

Happy Christmas. Who is it, please?

Oh, this is Miriam. How are you doing?

I just wanted to let you know that there's a man outside your house there.

he's got his trousers down and he's petting his willy and it's quite disturbing i wasn't sure if

it was you know someone in your household or perhaps it was a disabled invalid you know

he was by your wheelie bin he had rolled out in the middle of the road there oh which road

I was walking along, you know, it's Christmas morning, I'm not good with the roads.

I don't pay attention anymore.

No?

Oh, my fan is quite moist, yes.

He's wrapping his willy.

Would you like me to take a picture?

I know you're liking it.

I'll send you Thomas Willey.

Are you enjoying it?

No, it's disgusting, you dirty owl.

Okay, well, have a good Christmas.

You shouldn't do that. You shouldn't be out there with your willy out like that.

And it's stuck. It's flaccid.

I haven't seen a more flaccid willy like that since my husband Bertrand passed away during the war.

Oh, okay. One of the craziest conversations I've had in a while.

Call me crazy, you owl. What is wrong with you?

I just want you to know that there's a man outside.

This is Willie.

alright I'm gonna head out of here

yeah it's been a great night

it's been emotional thank you very much I want to thank

all the experts thanks for their

call yeah

yeah yeah yeah

Merry Christmas alright thanks

Merry Christmas everyone

alright Aaron you gonna be around more now

or something you were saying no just whatever

you're just here tonight

2017 is the year of the Westwood

there you go

2017

fucking Brad Carter

I'm taking over, Brad Carter.

Fuck you.

The new Snow Club show.

All right, see you guys.

Bye, Zax.

Bye, AXPA.

Bye.

Ashby, all you guys.

All right, so Green Beals.

I want to thank everyone who joined in.

Ashby, who didn't say anything.

RBCP, Dwight McClanahan.

He's over at DwightTheJanitor.com, I believe, or JanitorDwight.com, some shit like that.

DwightTheJanitor on YouTube.

Make sure to check him out.

Matt, it's Party Time, Hillock666, Zeros for the O, then that's on YouTube also, and they've got a website too.

Zax was with us here, Axpo was with us, Greenbee joined in for a while, man, it was a lot of people.

I'm missing some people here, I'm trying to think, I could look, I guess, right?

Axpo, Dirty Aaron, Dwight McClanahan, Zax, Greenbee, Nashby, Matt, RBCP, Turbo, of course, and XYZ.

Oh, those were the guys.

And Milkman was also here in spirit.

All right, I got to get out of here, guys.

It's been fun.

I don't know when the next show is going to be.

It probably won't do in years.

Don't look out for that.

Because I'm going out with my bottle of whiskey.

I'll be on 2017.

I'll do the show at some point.

But nothing planned.

I will get podcasts updated, though.

I promise I will.

I got to go.

Bye, see you guys

Good night

Merry Christmas

Hotel, my name is Sophie

Is this Jew?

Hello, hello, hello

Hey sir, how can I help you?

Hey, I lost some shit over there

I lost some shit over there

I don't understand

What do you mean?

What did you lose?

Some shit

I had some shit on me

And I need to talk to Austin

Finally get it back

Mama Poms Hotel

How may I assist you?

Hi, I lost some things over there

One moment sir

Bitch

Security department

Hey boy, how you doing?

Good, how are you?

I lost some shit over there.

You lost what?

Some shit over there.

You lost your shit over here?

Yeah, he is not restroom, bro.

Well, I'm not calling for the restroom.

Don't be ignorant.

I lost some things over there.

I'm upset and I said shit.

You're stupid.

What?

I need help finding this.

What's your shit?

I lost $300, motherfucker.

Hey, this is security department.

Don't talk like that, motherfucker bitch.

What the fuck are you going to do?

Maybe you got it.

You're not white, are you?

You probably got it.

You probably stole it.

Shut the fuck up, bitch.

What's your room number?

Banchot.

I was in the casino, not in the room.

Oh, Pancho, are you Pakistani motherfucker?

Yeah, motherfucker.

Bitch.

Pancho.

Bitch, let me come to see you, all right?

Bring your sister, I'll fuck her.

When you come to see me, bring sister, I'll fuck.

Hey, I'll fuck your mother, your sister, your woman.

No, but I'll fuck your whole family, your whole generation.

Thank you for calling the Pompous Hotel.

How may I assist you?

Lost and found, please.

My pleasure.

Anytime, sir.

Hello?

Yes?

Yeah, I'll fuck your sister in every hole she has.

Motherfucker, say you're sorry.

Come, motherfucker, you say you're sorry.

Happy holidays from Monte Carlo.

I lost something there.

Can I help you?

I lost something there.

Security, let me connect you.

Hurry up.

Let's go, let's go.

Excuse me, sir?

Let's make it happen.

Have a good night.

Let's go.

Be monitored and recorded for quality assurance purposes.

Security, Dan, how can I help you?

Lost and found?

Yes, sir.

I lost something.

I need it back.

Let's make it happen.

Let's go.

Why'd you lose?

I'll tell you if someone turned it in.

$300.

From where?

Casino floor.

Let's go, let's go.

Sir, no one's turned in $300 from the casino floor.

Well, let me tell you something.

That fucking machine of yours fucking stole my money.

I need it back.

I need to buy diapers and baby formula for my baby.

My wife said I had to call and get it back.

You need to give that.

I need this money back.

I can't help you.

Motherfucker, say you're sorry.

You have a good day, sir.

No, fucking say you're sorry, I said.

Asshole.

Mike Live Las Vegas.

A complete reimagination.

I lost some stuff over there.

I need it back.

Let's go.

I'm sorry?

Let's make it happen.

I'm sorry.

Where do you want me to connect you?

I lost something.

I need that shit back.

Let's go.

Make it happen.

I lost something over there.

I need it back.

Let's go.

Make it happen.

Let's go.

I'm sorry?

I lost something over there.

I need it back.

Let's go.

Make it happen.

Come on.

Okay.

What is it that you lost?

Because I can't find...

$300.

Or is it, is there a man I can talk to?

Is there a man you can talk to?

Or do you want to speak to a manager?

No, a man.

A man.

Yeah, I need to talk to you.

I don't need a sandwich.

I need to get my stuff back.

Okay, you need your stuff back.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Okay, I will send a manager up there, okay?

Up where?

Where, asshole, where?

You see how a woman does?

She doesn't know what the fuck she's doing.

I need to talk to a man on the phone.

Let's go, let's go.

Happy holiday.

I need to talk to a man. Let's go. Let's go.

Put me through. Let's go.

Hey, excuse me. Don't talk to me like that.

Bamo, Bamo, let's go. Bamo, Bamo, let's go.

Put me through.

I need to talk to a man. Let's go. Let's go.

Excuse me?

Let's go. I need to talk to a man. I lost something.

I need to talk to a man because I lost something. Let's go. Let's go.

Okay. Where are you at?

I was on the casino floor. I lost something. I need it back.

My wife said I had to call back yesterday. Now I need this back.

Okay, what you need to do is go to the security podium.

Are you a woman or a man?

Okay.

But what you need to do is go to the security podium.

No, I'm back home.

I'm back home.

I ain't going to come back there to be doing that.

Okay, hold on.

Perfect for both casual and...

Oh, man.

Happy holiday.

Thank you.

Let's go.

Oh, I hit the wrong button.

Happy holiday.

Thank you for calling the Hard Rock Hotel.

I need to talk to lots of fans.

Let's go.

Happy holiday.

Thank you for calling the Hard Rock Hotel.

This is Julie.

I'm with you.

Hi.

Merry Christmas, Julie.

How are you?

I'm good.

I need to talk to Lawson Fowl.

Let's go.

None other than Channing Tatum and Bay Aide.

Whatever.

Who cares?

I'm done.

Goodbye.

Bye, everybody.

If that's true, those 60-ish of you that stayed on, I got to go pass out.

Bye.

Calls (62, 3 h 2 min of 5 h)

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