Madhouse Radio

I'm not playing no fucking games, dude.

I, I, fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making those stupid callings.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all night long.

You're my pussy.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

Hey there, prank call fans.

Have you ever wanted to watch Carlito accuse a competing gas station of slant drilling?

Or have you ever wanted to see Carlito do job interviews that leave people wondering if they just talked to an insane person?

If so, then you should watch the new hit prank call video series, Calls of Mass Confusion.

That's right. It's all the prank calls you could ever want, but with the whole thing being recorded on video.

Watch as Carlito and the gang get people to do shopping sprees, get people to sell them their piss,

and accuse jewelry shops of selling blood diamonds.

if you're not already watching you should catch up because in just a few short weeks you get to

watch giad and his camera crew go to jail so go to youtube look up calls of mass confusion on the

jesus in a dump truck channel and subscribe today that is calls of mass confusion on the jesus in a

dump truck channel watch laugh like and share today carlito commands it vitamin shoppy all right

Alright, great, that's super. Hey, look, come on, we gotta go. Alright, we gotta get with this. I need your help, alright?

Alright, this is Cross. Cross, Cross, come on, let's go, let's go.

No, come on, I need your help. I need your help, come on.

Who are you?

Cross, a customer.

I don't know no Cross.

I'm a customer, why would you know me? I'm a customer, I'm gonna come in if you got this.

I need two things, I need Pycnogenol and I need the green stuff.

Alright, so come on in and get it.

Oh, I need to find out if you got it there. Come on, let's go. Let's go, come on, man.

Hi.

What's not normal about that?

Hello?

They call a fireman shop.

Hello.

I am Mr. Cross, customer.

I would like to see if you have two items in stock before I come in.

I'm five minutes away.

Pycnogenol?

Well, I don't know.

It's a formulation.

If you could probably help me out.

Do you have any that comes with pine tree bark in it?

Exactly.

All right.

So how many milligrams do you want?

What's your medium range one?

100 milligrams.

All right.

I added a Pycnogenol for a 42-year-old human man.

All right.

I also need green stuff the green stuff that I've been using for a while with the alkaline water all right

Yeah, go ahead. What's the formulation come on? Let's go. It's just leaving it busy. Hi. It's Carlito

It's the day after Christmas. I think this is boxing fucking day Dwight. McClanahan is here Dwight

How come you're up so early usually sleeping now bologna smoothie

You really hate it when I bring out the bologna thing don't you you don't want to admit it

oh you put some summer sausage here you get that summer sausage pepperidge farm no no i got the

after sausage i bought it with a baloney no wait it's not pepperidge farm what's the store that

only shows up christmas time in the mall that has salamis yeah it's usually pepperidge farm

no it's not pepperidge farm it's different else something else isn't it all right shit let's see

mall sausage s-t-o-r-e uh hickory farms come on man come on man come on yeah you know the last

time i went to a goddamn mall yeah also stupid from facebook is here stupid yeah how you doing

no it's reclude everybody reclude is here i found reclude reclude what's up man welcome back yeah

yeah record yeah great audio like always yeah oh what's going on oh hey reclude how you been man

What's up, man?

Yeah, that's Recklet, everybody.

It's been years, man.

How's everything going?

You're good?

You got some shit?

Yeah, man.

I've been doing all right.

I've been doing a lot of drugs, smoking a lot of drugs, you know?

Wow.

Awesome, man.

That's cool, man.

Great.

Living the dream, man.

That's great.

Yeah.

Dwight, that fucking Recklet, man.

Yeah.

Yeah, I never knew that motherfucker.

Well, now you do.

Before your time.

I know, right?

We fired his ass for you.

Suck his dick.

Yeah.

Yeah, he did way more shows than he ever did.

Uh, we got our money's worth.

Yeah.

Uh, here's a business that probably won't make it after this holiday season.

That's Big Sears.

Yeah.

Sound effects only working on one side today.

Yeah.

Sorry, I didn't catch that.

Oh, you bitch.

You bitch.

Operator, bitch.

Fucking operator, motherfucker.

Sorry for the difficulty.

One moment while I transfer your call.

There's a trick.

A lot of these, if you curse, they put you through faster.

I say that every time.

I'm like that old guy that says the same story every day at work. Fuck that guy fucking get kidnapped and learn some new fucking stories

Fucking Tim. If I gotta hear a story about sugar-free peach pie again, I'm gonna fucking shit myself at my desk

That's why that's why I bet you if I call that Macy's they pick up. Oh shit Lee Nails

Lee Nails a chain really cuz I thought Lee Nails only existed where I lived. Holy shit

I had no idea unless there's just a lot of dudes named Lee

hey honey how are you good good is uh shishu can i get shishu no you have the wrong number

well this is lee nails right hello lee nails right hello please no don't go yeah yeah yeah

all right now it's working on both sides i think i uh managed to uh stab myself with the

ninja already so you got a ninja did you well at least you didn't like saw your hand off right

No, the

one of the

the cup.

I thought it was on all the way.

But no, no.

Somebody left it on loose.

So, of course, it goes to fall.

So I go to catch it and I stab myself

in the palm of my hand with it.

Well, that's pretty stupid because it's called the Fruit Ninja

first of all, right? You know that.

And then, why would you stick your hand out

when it's a blade? You know what gravity is?

Well, I was trying to catch it. I got reflexes, yo.

Yeah, you try to catch. Okay, cool.

Do you also pass the scissors to your son by throwing them at him?

No.

Oh, okay.

He's the one that you got mad at about the...

Usually I tell him to come over and get the scissors,

and I drop them on the floor and make him pick them up.

Drop them on his nuts.

It's like dropping the mic, but I'm like...

We're calling Walgreens, located at Convenient Pharmacy Drive-Thru Service.

Para servicio en español, oprima el numero nueve.

Just so you know, flu shots are still available, with copays as low as...

Shut up.

To refill your prescription or check if it is ready for pickup, press 8.

For the pharmacy department, press 1.

For all other departments, press 2.

To hear pharmacy hours and location, press 1.

For cosmetics, press 2.

To inquire about a health care clinic located near you, press 3.

To hear store hours and location, press 1.

Please remain on the line to speak with a member of our staff.

Nigerian scammer says you sound different. Why do you sound different?

You do sound different.

I'm going around sorry the cosmetic department is not available you are being transferred to

the next available department they did give me an option for just like regular so I had

to hit cosmetic calling Walgreens hey I need help let's go come on I need help um I have a

complaint to make there were two associates there uh working and they were passing sessions by

throwing it to each other back and forth across the aisle okay um and that's dangerous that's

I have my son Reclute on the line.

He wasn't very happy about that.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Let me get you to the person you need to talk to.

Okay, hurry up, because I have my son, Jay, is on the phone now.

He's going to complain about this, because he got caught in a crossfire of this.

Okay, thank you.

Thank God he got hit by the handle part.

Oh, we're getting banned.

Hey, it's my music.

It's the number one song on Matt's YouTube.

What's this called?

It is pretty popular.

It's the Cisco Holter.

Yeah, but it's got a name, right?

Opus Slacker.

Opus number one.

tubular tubular bells yeah

yeah they'll get you for this uh actually well i beefed with the guy

well if he tries to do it to me on youtube i'll quote the matt hellock rule

yeah be like you uh you let him yeah you let fucking man do it i'm fine i'll say

They say Matt Hillock sent me.

I'll put that in my YouTube thing.

My challenge to it.

The Hillock Principal Alerts or something.

The Hillock Exception.

That's the, um...

Hello?

That's like some Charlie.

This is Mike Sitch.

How can I help you?

Hey, Mike Shits.

Listen, I got my son Jay on the line.

We were both there, and we got caught in the crossfire.

These two dumbass associates of yours were throwing scissors, saying they were passing it.

They were like, hey.

He's like, hey, pass me the scissors.

And he threw the scissors at him.

Okay.

It hit me in the fucking eye.

It hit him in the eye with the handle.

Okay, what store were you at?

At the Walgreens.

At your Walgreens.

At what corner, though?

What corner?

On Collier?

Collier?

Yeah.

You got the...

Cicero?

Cicero and what was the...

Cicero and Fullerton?

Cicero and North?

I don't know.

It's like...

It's split up right there.

Like, you can't just cross the street.

I don't know what it's called, man.

Okay.

Bell Plain is right there.

Bell Plain.

Okay.

So, who was throwing scissors?

These two little jerk-offs that work for you.

It was, hey, pass me the scissors.

What, guys or girls?

Two monkey-looking guys.

Okay, first of all, I don't even have guys on the floor right now.

Yeah?

All I have is girls.

So that's why I'm asking you which store, because I thought I heard you say guys.

Your store, motherfucker, you, is what it is.

You know what?

Ah!

Oh, no.

He didn't like that.

Thank you for calling Walgreens, located at the southwest corner of...

Just so you know, flu shots are still available.

To refill your prescription or check if it is ready for pickup, press 8.

For the pharmacy department, press 1.

For all other departments, press 2.

For photo, press...

Oh, hey, there we go.

Thank you for calling Walgreens. How can I help you?

Hey, can I speak to Mr. Schitts?

I'm sorry?

Mr. Shits. I think he's the manager there.

Mr. Shits.

One moment, please.

I like that part right there.

Where it changes chords.

It's a perfect song.

It's hard to clap along to it.

If you try to clap along to it, you have to be wrong.

It's got the clapping beat like in

I Remember Return of the Nerds 2

where they're doing that clap.

This is Mike. How can I help you?

Hi, Mr. Shits. We see you've not gotten disconnected.

Okay, first of all, the last name is Sitch, not Shits.

So, let's start again.

My name is Mike. How can I help you?

Hi, Mike Huck.

Problem is that your guys, your girls, I'm sorry, were over there.

Look, they're really kind of, you know, I smell tuna when I'm there, you know what I mean?

So I was a little confused, but they are girls.

Huh.

You know what?

Chicken butt.

You know why?

Chicken butt.

Bam.

Got him.

Okay, what store were you at again, sir?

What's the cross streets?

Cicero.

Cicero and what?

Man, it's, I don't know what the other street is.

It's by Bell Plant.

Cross Street.

Yeah, just give me the main artery.

Give me the main cross street besides Cicero.

Cross Street, motherfucker, you.

Bell Plant.

All right, there's no need for that language.

All right, hang on.

That's my son.

Because if you call me that again, I'm hanging up both.

That's my son.

He said it.

It's not me.

I'm sorry.

I'm working on it.

I'm sorry.

All right.

Take it easy.

All right, so why didn't your son call for a manager if he got hit in the eye with scissors?

Oh, he was real upset.

said i would i sent him in there for something and he just came out was like

fuck motherfuckers him in the fucking eye he said like that okay okay and you

why didn't you come back into the store then fucking girls him in the fucking eye

they're fucking stupid all right so why didn't you come back into the store and

report it so i could get your son medical attention i have to call he

doesn't need medical attention it was just a handle he's not it's not a

fucking little girl well your son just your son just told me he got hit in the

eye with a pair of scissors. Yeah, but it was

the handle end. Obviously, if you got hit

with the blade, I fucking would have done

something. Hello? Yeah, don't be

stupid, sir. You see?

You see how upset you made him?

He's autistic, man. You know how long

it's going to take me to calm his ass down now?

Well, bugger. Alright, what were the

do you remember the girls' names? They're all wearing name tags.

What was their name? Do you remember

their name? Uh, I think

it was, like, Tits.

She had the Tits McGee or something.

What was her name? Tits.

Did you, like, Toots?

Yeah, McGee was her last name.

McGee?

I don't have anyone with the last name McGee.

I just have, they all have their first names on their name badges.

Plain and simple.

Chesty, and then there was the fat girl.

Okay, seriously, guys, Chesty and Toots, really?

You're wasting my time for this.

You can't, you...

Mr. Shits.

Really?

Mr. Shits, come on, Mr. Shits.

Yeah, Mr. Shits, motherfucker, you.

Mr. Shithead.

Mike Shithead.

Mr. Shithasshole.

All right, guys.

Mr.

One last time.

What were their names?

Their names are on their name.

Mr.

Uh, Chesty.

Okay, there was the fat one, the fat girl.

A fat girl named Chesty.

No, I don't know if her name was Chesty.

There was the fat girl and then the girl with the big chests.

You know, the big tits.

She had, like, big tits.

She has bigger.

She's more up there, you know?

Hold on.

Labia.

Show me your tits.

He is way too serious.

another good name is that's another one uh what homer's name is trying to change

get mars changed to chesty larue chesty larue

good night hootie again uh anybody out there in radio lands some of us are in tinychat.com

Slash sex and chest

Are you wait a minute chesty and tuts

I do something about these sound effects in one ear. This is bad, man. That's half of my gimmick

You guys can't tell on Skype it's mono shit. Oh, it's got a chicken. It's got the peck peck chicken

I ain't gonna call Jimmy John's real quick

They're freaky fast as their motto so we can prank real quick and we'll be on read still or we'll lose him

whatever we've had fun with him he's on hold on the other one crunchy line hi how are you

oh man i i can't talk to you your phone sounds bad i'm sorry you have a piece of

shit phone all right you stupid stupid stupid asshole yeah give me the manager i'm gonna get

my velour jacket all right walgreens is ringing they have a hold limit and starts ringing again

That's how retail usually operates mr. Shits. It'd be great to call a bartending school, but they're closed today

Alright, I'll call Lucky Grill. I'm gonna guess that's training only Chinese like to use that lucky word

We're all about luck and fucking bullshit. We're so lucky to have more fucking poker

Hi, she she she she she she she she she no

No.

And they give the wrong number.

Sounds like crap.

I think that only happens when I have more than one call on the line.

I don't know.

It seems to be sometimes some areas, when I call them, they sound all...

Yeah, it's still doing it here.

There's no rhyme or reason to it.

I can call other places, and they sound just fine.

Some of them sound like that.

I don't know.

I think it's something you did to anger God.

You think so?

The Jewish Federation.

Oh, shit.

They're probably not going to answer it today.

The Irish American Heritage Center.

I don't imagine they're there today either.

Palestinian Liberation Army?

Yeah.

They don't even have an open

phone number.

Car washes never answer the phone.

They've got a number sheet.

Is there an office in a car wash?

Sometimes, but usually it's just a number.

You leave a message out like,

your fucking machine ain't my quarters.

Or you scratched my motherfucking car,

motherfucker.

That's what phone calls they get.

that and telemarketers guys like that like boy oh that sounds crunchy still cracks me up and

smut every now and again where it goes fucking guy hi there layaway lay is one thing i know you

that's recluse

oh how you doing bro okay um let's pick a different place see if the phones

phone calls sound better there that was helping out last time also we got dark stranger in

Get out.

Jim Bob, Jim Taylor.

Hi, thanks for calling the Fenton Target store.

On Saturday, December 31st, the store will be open from 8 a.m. to 9 p.m.

The store will be back on their normal business hours on Sunday, January 1st.

Our hours have changed for the holidays.

To view specific holidays, please hold while your call is transferred.

Maybe for the holiday?

Looks nice.

Do what now?

Your hair?

DS got her hair looking all nice.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, you're over there

sitting around acting like you own the place

with your new hair for the holidays.

Hello?

Mailman walks around like he owns the goddamn street.

You're going to have to do more walking than that, Charlie.

Yeah, you're going to have to do more walking than that, honey.

LOD, can I help you find something?

Yeah, hey, LOD.

How you doing, Lod?

I had a complaint with my son there.

I have him on the phone.

He's a little bit upset.

you guys sold him the wrong thing i sent my wife there to get his birthday present and she went

with it written down and came back with an entirely different thing okay what was the item

they raised there was a scary mean man he said he started yelling he said what do you want

motherfucker he said like that i'm sorry you said that to my son who am i speaking with you said

that to my son big mean scary man my name is rex that's my son you're talking to all right and he

He was treated very rudely there by your staff.

And do you know the staff's name?

What was the staff's name, Jay?

I don't know.

It was just a big, mean, scary man.

He was a black.

You know that guy?

Give me one moment.

Okay.

Running up all the blacks now.

Again, on that radio there, she gets on that radio.

It's like she owns a damn store calling for all black people on duty to come to the front.

All black associates to the back of the store right now.

Right now.

Can you give me a description of the man that you encountered?

Black, short hair.

And what time were you up here?

What time were you up there, Jay?

Explain.

It was like about maybe an hour ago.

And what area of the store were you shopping in?

The main area.

You know, the main area.

I'm not sure what the main area is.

If truly you were harassed by a team member here, we do have to review the videotape.

So I do need the specific time and location and description of the person that you encountered.

In the main area, he was a black. He was a black in the main area.

I'm sorry. Main area is just not a good enough description for us to be able to review anything.

I know they're not supposed to be. They're supposed to be in the back. They're supposed to always be in the back.

They're not supposed to prohibit it from being in the main area, I thought.

I'm sorry. Who's supposed to be in the back?

It was a man in a red shirt and khakis, motherfucker.

If you're going to swear at me, then this conversation is done.

I thought I was talking to a friend.

I'm sorry.

No.

If you need to make a complaint, you can come up here in person, and we can review the videotape together and find a team member.

I got you on tape.

I got you on tape making threats just now.

All right.

Listen, you don't have to be like that to my son, all right?

He's autistic.

He's just trying to get help, all right?

I'll take over if I have to.

Please don't hang up the phone.

Please.

You are the LOD, and you have a duty to do, okay?

Yes, I understand that, but I was being sworn at.

so if that is how let me be let me be the parent please let me be the parent please okay okay i

don't need you to be punishing my son all right that's just as bad as i'm not punishing as bad

as you as spanking him like this man uh threatened to do to my son when he was there he said he was

going to take me to the back and he showed me these pictures he said he said that i would like

it and then it would only just be he said something about the tip something about just a tip of

something or i don't know i was just scared i was real scared give me just a moment i can't hear

talking over one of each other he's saying that what do

do you want me to do?

Okay.

I'm just talking with one of my peers here.

If you do need to file a complaint, you do need to come into the store,

and we do have to put it into our computer and take an official statement from you.

Like in the main machine?

Is it the main machine?

The main store.

So you do need to come up to the front and ask for the LOD,

And if you want to make an official complaint, you do need to sit down with us so we can input it in our system.

Is he going to be there?

Is he going to still be there, though?

Because I'm not going to, you know, I don't know.

You know that thing.

I don't want to do that thing.

No, the same person should not be here.

How can you guarantee?

Will all blacks be in the back?

Can you promise?

Because they're not supposed to be in there.

Who am I speaking with?

Because that is extremely inappropriate.

I thought we've already told you we have a complaint.

OK, we don't have to give you our identification.

We know our rights.

We know our rules.

I had a really good idea.

I didn't get to say it.

I'll have to save it for the next one, perhaps.

Don't forget it.

Don't let me forget that thing.

That thing, that thing.

Running up all the black.

We did all the blacks up front for interrogations.

Oh, not again.

I haven't done this in a while.

Let's do some get-your-shit-out-of-here calls.

We can send them all this Starbucks.

let's call starbucks first and find out what the what is here we just need to get these people's

name manager's name or something and then i'm going to send people we're going to send people

back to get their shit out of my starbucks and say it's that's the name oh it's been a while

since i did that it's always fun that's on calls of mass confusion coming out sometimes

new vaults going to be open yeah big rumor starbucks this is alissa hey what's up alissa

how you doing oh i'm doing horrible that's why oh because i just i don't know just not feeling

too good today you know i woke up real late is there anything i can do for you yeah you know

like i woke up kind of late i was just laying here thinking you know prank caller prank caller

yeah i'm right here i'm i don't know i i think i was like in the peach fuzz but now i'm like

kind of like in this track oh you like peach fuzz though yeah but this this is just a smooth

called the color of the scent of coffee the fragrance of dark coffee that's the name of the

song oh here we go again with the bullshit crunchy song hey big suzy yeah hey this is alissa at the

starbucks this is alissa at starbucks yeah hey uh you need to get your shit out of here you guys

need to come over here get your shit out of our store you guys had some shit delivered over here

you guys need to get this shit out of here the language well i don't care just come get your

shit out of here because you got five minutes before i start throwing it outside in the heat

and it's gonna get messed up and it's gonna get messed up uh it's gonna get messed up

gotta get messed up uh this place i'd never seen a burger came next to mcdonald's

and i lost this fucking damn it i lost the starbucks's location i don't know for sure

oh shit i have to start this all over you know i tried watching santa 2 last night and i had to

turn it off like way later so bad really just terrible like unwatchable terror like i turned

it off hello right in mcdonald's yeah hey this is the manager here at starbucks this is rex

okay yeah i was just talking to alissa she works here with us all right and you guys had a bunch

of shit that they left over here you think yeah you guys had a delivery over here a whole bunch

bunch of shit they got left over here okay yeah what's the address on the boxes and who's it

addressed to it says 85 15 but then it came to us at 84 81 we don't need that shit and i don't need

you speaking to me and god damn it listen you got five minutes to get that out of here i'm gonna

start throwing it out all right i'm i'm being way too angry at this it sounds like you're almost

most drunk at work.

That's what I usually

do when I get all fucking emotional

with them and shit.

Yeah, but here's the mistake. I'm not calling a shopping

square. That's my mistake. It has to be

those super centers or whatever they're called, you know

what I mean? Like those shopping centers. Here we go.

Here's one with the strip malls and stuff in them too.

Yeah.

The strip malls and stuff in them too.

That one. There's not

one right here. They usually

got GameStops in them.

Hang on, I got an idea. Maryland.

Maybe in Maryland.

Anybody who's thinking about watching Bad Scent 2, don't do it.

I could have told you that, and I didn't watch it.

I could have told you that shit stunk on ice.

Like, I pirated it.

Like, it's suicide.

Like, I was watching it almost out of curiosity.

It was so bad, though.

Hello, thank you for calling Beat Coffee and saying I'm out.

This is Austin.

Hey, Austin.

Yes.

Oh, hey, all right, yeah.

I can't do this shit with you, motherfucker, all right?

Thanks for sending me a call, Austin.

Yeah, that.

i can't not he's another one of those it's random places that are constantly like that it almost

it almost sounds like it's like a void thing yeah it sounds like it's like a data loss i think it's

just a certain company or something it's weird i think well i think it's on the back end stores

they only have like void lines and probably don't have right right right and maybe since like

Like, you've got so many connections on this, and, you know, like, if you just called that thing, it probably wouldn't do that.

Right.

I should get a hold of my provider.

They'd be like, hey.

Thank you for calling.

Payway Asian Diner.

Right across the way.

Located just off the one road in the Hunt Valley Town Center.

We appreciate your patience while we are assisting other guests.

Oh, hey, somebody wants to start a video.

You are at queue position one in the queue.

Position one.

Oh, Aaron and Nick Caesar came on Tiny Chat as Aaron and Jim.

Yeah, hey, who am I talking with?

This is Zachariah.

Zachariah.

Oh, hey, what's up, Big Zachariah?

How you doing?

Really?

All right.

Well, he's a fucking dick.

All right, good.

I'm happy I'm doing this.

All right, let's start fucking with him.

I noticed that I must be losing a lot of weight

because the colors don't call me Big Man anymore.

God, you're Big Man.

I got a lot of like, hey, big man, can I help you?

Or can I get some money?

Yeah, they're really big on that.

They think it's so fun.

But it hadn't happened anymore.

So, like, am I shrinking?

I take that as a win.

Good evening, I'm Value One.

May I help you?

Yeah, hey, this is Austin.

Okay, how am I helping you, Austin?

Hey, well, I was just talking to Zachariah.

Zachariah, I'm here at Payway.

No, this is, okay, and you know this is a liquor store, correct?

Yeah, well, you guys got your shit delivered here.

You guys need to get this shit out of here, if you don't mind.

Um, I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm at the payway, two doors down.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, I work here.

Yep.

Yeah, yeah, you guys got a bunch of stuff delivered here.

You need to start getting it out of here.

We're going to go through it and take it wherever we want.

You're saying that there was a delivery there?

Yeah, they came to you guys, but they delivered it here.

We signed for it.

It's a big whole bunch of fucking boxes of wine and shit.

We're just going to start going through these if you don't get here soon.

I'm just letting you know right now.

now. Right. And you work there? Yeah. Are you the manager there? No, I'm not the manager. The

manager's not here today. He's got the day off. Oh, I see. So if I were to get down there,

it would definitely be down there. Yeah, Zach. Zachariah. I go by Zach. Uh-huh. Okay. All right.

Well, I'll tell you what. I'm going to go check it out for you in the future. Because if you don't

start, get over here. I'm going to give you 10 minutes, and I'm going to say, hey, guys,

go ahead. Start taking. We have a shift that comes. They're coming off at the top of the hour.

It takes about 10 minutes to get changed.

And I'm going to let them know they can take whatever they want out of the back of these boxes

if you don't hurry the fuck up and get over here.

Because I don't have time for this.

I've got a lot of shit I've got to do.

Yeah, that's pretty amazing.

Well, I'll tell you what, Zachariah.

I'm going to come over there right now and check it out.

Let's go, let's go.

And I'll check it out for you.

All right, hurry up.

Let's go.

All right, buddy.

Let's go, let's go.

All right.

First of all, I started out using the wrong name.

I don't think he bought it.

No, I don't think he did either.

I think he was fizzing.

Yeah.

Yeah, thanks, buddy.

Check it out.

All right, everybody.

Yeah.

All right.

The first two ladies were incredulous about it.

If I would have called back, I could have pressed it, but their connections sounded like,

Shit!

Yeah, and I used the wrong name.

I got the right name.

I'm Zachariah at Payway, all right?

You know, maybe that's a good thing.

If you work in a store, and if you can just fuck with the phone lines and make them sound

shitty, then you don't got to deal with people ever.

That's true.

you just pick it up and it's like yeah hey you guys talk amongst yourselves while i get some

water okay hi everybody how y'all doing out there in radio land ds's cats uh getting all

cat knitted up on cam we got we got a fat cat displaying its crotch and presenting and

it's quite a thing got a sleeping dog and we got a uh drugged up cat presenting what was he going

want to get to drink some cocaine water yeah oh that didn't be me kind of or isn't it just

but it is i don't know nummy throat i was in throat nummy of it maybe i don't know what was

that thing about stevie great bond used to just drink jack with that in it like every morning or

something or some old story old story i'm drinking a couple ice houses this evening and then i'm

I'm going to switch to the, oh, an egg hatch me.

I don't know what that is.

Switch to the old style, old man beer.

I've been all about that lately.

I'm going to start watching this show that's on A&E, that chick Leah Remini, or whatever her name is, where she's talking shit about the Scientology show.

Extreme couponing.

to go order please visit noodles.com for all other calls talking about how they're like pieces of

shit and they're creepy motherfuckers because she left the church for calling noodles and company

okay noodles and what is noodles if you would like to place it to go order please visit noodles.com

for all other calls press two oh my god i was waiting for the option to talk to someone

they're too wacky with their noodles oh you know i think noodles and company is a chinaman place

would you like a spoodle a spoodle of noodles noodles and company is a big chain company

well no this is zachariah i'm here at payaway next door

yeah hurry up let's go

another shit connection oh jim of the inhaler i finally get where you're talking about the

bird egg hatch man yeah i thought you were saying that i got hatched out of an egg

i didn't read it correctly so yeah that's really weird he's got a baby bird yeah i thought it was

like some kind of dig at me like hey like it looks like you hatched from an egg dummy or some

shit that's what i was thinking so i didn't read the whole thing noodles and company i think yeah

Yeah, it's like a Panda Express type joint, isn't it?

Kind of, kind of.

But noodles.

A lot of broth.

Broth-es.

Because I knew this was going crazy.

Thank you for calling Cold Farm Valley.

This is Steven.

How can I help you?

Steven, this is Zachariah.

I'm here at Payway.

I crossed the way.

Okay.

Yeah, you guys need to get your shit out of here, man.

Hello?

Yeah, you guys need to get your shit out of here.

I'm not exactly sure what you mean.

I'm Zachariah at the Payway next door.

okay so what do we have what do we what do you have that's there they have delivered a whole

bunch of food over here and someone signed for it and we're at uh you know we're at we're not

the address we're 114 come and get it but you don't have to be rude yeah you need to get over

here and get it you got five minutes to start coming and get this stuff i'm gonna start throwing

out the back i have room for this it's we're gonna break stuff down this monday we're gonna

gotta break stuff down and we're busy that's fine can you okay we're busy and i'll get some

you got you don't have to yell and be rude how long is it gonna take

i was totally muted so they made uh so you had like two business oh it was it was your bed oh

bad my i said he's i didn't remember the the old the end bed loop the squeaky

thank you for calling noodles and company

i'm not gonna talk it's too early but the end's all the way in amsterdam

the end's fucking you met him noodles and company hot valley this is

This is Tynesha speaking.

How can I help you?

Yeah, this is Zachariah.

Come on.

How long is it going to take you to get someone over here?

Just let me know.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

If you calm down for a second, someone is on their way over there now.

Thank God.

But what I was trying to explain to you is we did not know that our stuff was delivered

there.

All right.

So you don't have to yell at us because we will come and get it.

It's no problem.

It's just we had this problem a lot with, you know, the Pete's Coffee.

You know those Pete's?

Those Pete's across the way?

I'm sorry that that happens, but we will come and get it.

But we just didn't know that it was delivered there.

Listen, honey, they come over here, they accuse us that we went through their coffee and that we kept it.

We're not like that.

You know, they're so mean to us.

And we don't deserve it.

Boss, what do you want me to do with this shit?

Yeah, you know what?

Take all that meat that you want to take.

Go ahead and take it.

She said it's okay.

Fucking barbecue.

Yeah, the girl at Payway says take whatever you want.

Go ahead.

head i just uh you guys on his way then right okay yeah take the best of the stuff and hide it in the

back of my uh in my part of the cooler okay all right wow who's coming over they should be over

there by now okay right well i'm zachariah okay all right all right bye bye bye all right let me

try to call cole fire but my second favorite line from the movie henry porter the serial killer

when tom tallis is leaving his parole officers meeting he says bye and puts on his jacket

because the way he says bye i love it rest in peace tom tallis uh-huh look i only saw like

two episodes of that what's the deal is he so you thank you for going cool farhan valley this

is simon how may i help you yeah i'm zachariah i'm over here pay away right across the way

yeah you guys need to get your shit out of here you know they delivered some shit over here that

It belongs to you.

It's not ours.

Okay.

Yeah, you need to get that out of here.

You need to get someone to get a hold of me.

I'm Zachariah.

Okay.

Can I take down...

How long is it going to take to get some motherfucker over here?

I'm sorry.

I didn't realize all of our stuff was over there.

There's a lot of fucking...

Your stuff over here, honey.

Okay?

All right?

Now, we're not 112.

We're 114.

I understand that.

And I don't know why the hell this shit keeps happening with these people.

That's not my fault.

That's the delivery person's fault.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, they're stupid, and who's your delivery person, then?

He's a stupid asshole.

Who signed for it?

I did, Zachariah.

Well, why didn't you redirect them over to here?

I didn't know.

Listen, we've got to wait over here.

We're in the weeds, and we've got some shit back here being sent.

I just signed for it, and when I start opening up, it's all your shit.

Okay, I understand that.

What type of delivery is it?

It's just like plates and napkins and all that stuff?

It's food, food.

No, there's tons of fucking food here.

Okay, can I just take down your number and call my GM,

and I'll be right back with you

because I don't know how to handle that.

568-1911.

I'm sorry?

568-1911.

All right.

I'll give you back a call, okay?

Yeah, hurry up.

Okay, bye.

In the weeds.

You were saying you watched two episodes of what?

Because I was talking about a movie

and reports of a serial killer.

Weeds.

He's in the weeds right now.

At least we got Charlie on the wire.

Charlie on the wire.

Oh, yeah.

Maybe Diaz. Diaz is trying to figure out

what Carly was talking about, trying to piece together

his mind that, like, it took one job

and I would just always just, like,

fucking go in the back and clean the warehouse

and always had shit like this playing

and the guys would come in and just laugh at me.

Like, what is this fucking guy back here

Hey, Matt, Matt. Matt, you do me a favor?

Can you do calls? I guess

you can do calls right now, the way this shit was working

recently. Oh, yeah, if you want me

to do it. Actually, I gotta

help unload stuff to bring them

upstairs oh you mean like irl you get it yeah yeah yeah yeah i can just let's see let me just

i think you could just do them right here i'm just gonna let's see there's a wendy's let's

see i dragged in the wendy's once you guys call just dialing yesterday i just i dragged some in

so let's see if it picks up we're calling wendy's this was there hey is heidi there buddy uh heidi

is not uh god fucking damn it fucking god damn it fuck you okay cool cool it works bud

Bye, asshole.

Hello.

All right, look.

So you can call the telecom.

I need like 15, maybe 20, because it's going to take me a while to unload this shit.

My bad.

Okay, I'll just do stuff from the, you know, whatever you get.

If you and Dwight and Reclute here can figure it out for a little bit.

Hey, that's the shopping complex I've been telling that I'm exactly on.

Is everybody still there?

I don't hear anybody.

Reclute's having trouble.

He's going to have to figure that out.

He's got mic issues.

you anyway hey we'll we'll see what we can do yeah that's that's the that the payway in this

plaza is the one that i was calling uh calling as zachariah if you guys want to mess with more

people around there well if not do your own thing it's gonna take me a while i'm sorry

maybe dark stranger wants to join yeah maybe bye bye bye i'll be right back god bless you all right

so you got this google map thing and can somebody do the numbers some one of you gentlemen there

i can just call usual usual things evil arty evil arty crazy old spaghetti crazy call number

i'll just start calling shit we try to connect your call please wait please hold while we look

at that number i just called the whole thing back because it's still doing it i don't think so

oh did it work oh yeah my man hey i hang on is anybody listening to the stream still

let's say hang on let me oh yes i just heard myself saying that all right i apologize for

the technical issues everybody there that something's going on today we're having issues

uh if somebody wants to go through that google maps and get some numbers or something i can find

On random Craigslist.

Or just, but that's what he was doing, but, but, um, yay.

This is Aaron and Jim, just to hear it.

And then yelling old cat Canada.

I'll call after that.

When is Brother Carlos doing his thing?

Please leave your message for Aaron and Jim.

Aaron and Jim.

Now, see, it doesn't, like, fully hang up, though.

Because, like, I hung up on it, yet it's, now it's sitting there with a blue outline of it.

it's weird i don't know something's going on but where's something that yeah just any number

what were these numbers earlier you have where's where's something that'll like talk for a while

there's the plan let's see roy boob oh yeah when you say happy christmas to roy boob you never

talk to him in the night roy but oh it is kind of weird didn't even seem i i didn't think of it

is a knight it's kind of the same same thing come on roy and see it's not ringing now that i'm

calling things so i don't know why but i assure you people out there radio land it is ringing

right now we're calling roy boob yeah like when carlito calls things i think i was ringing earlier

wouldn't i guess call phil no roy boob geez uh let's okay let's let's try phil because maybe

Maybe Phil will work because maybe it's coming through from, like, Carlito's thing or something.

You know, maybe it doesn't come up.

My who?

No, I don't know.

I'm guessing it's chicken party city.

D.S. Town.

Philip R. Gordon.

I don't closed.

Hey, hello, Phil.

Phil.

Happy Christmas, buddy.

Oh, I was going to tell him you got the cancer for Christmas.

Let's say that here's a dog.

Hi.

for christmas nice i do that oh hey roy boat happy christmas buddy god bless this is a dog food

seller idea dog food hello roy roy hello roy he keeps picking back up hello i don't know

there's something weird going on with the tech now subscriber you were trying to reach is not

available please leave your message after the tone oh i am like i click hang up on it but it

seems like it hangs around you know your recording has reached the maximum length

to delete and re-record your message press three for delivery options press four to cancel this

message press star to send this message now press down or hang up to replay your message

to delete and re-record your message

press 3

for delivery options press 4

to cancel this message press start

to send this message now

press pound or hang up

someone come in tiny chat and tell us what to do

ok I'm not calling anything else

we're just going to sit and talk

sit in chairs and talk

I forgot about sitting in chairs and talking

I'm a cool dad Stanley

yes

yeah um

um anybody wants to come on i'm getting like a hiss from somewhere i think it's

reclude still on okay hey it's all better after that

we get all that going on it's gonna suck because i'm gonna have to piss

and i don't know play music into your headphones that'll be quality

oh like i don't know i'm just trying to i don't know i guess we could take a break

But just have music

Yeah I'll just be like

Some of you guys

Just fucking talk for a second

Nobody's talking to me

Let's beat our dicks

over here.

Hey.

Let's have a dick measuring contest.

Oh, yeah.

I'd call one of these overheaters anonymous meetings, but my tones aren't working.

I can't get it to work.

Yeah, it's not working, yo.

Damn.

Shit is whack.

I blame Santa.

Yeah, I can't believe Carlito's still unloading stuff.

What the fuck?

The fuck?

Someone should really play some George Michael

Somebody's getting their

Asshole fingered tonight I tell you

Tell you

More than likely

Check in the email

Well look at that

Nick is

In tiny chat

Do you want to work from home

Are we reading our junk mail

Go to the junk folder

See who has the best junk mail

let's see it's like do you want to increase your penis size well of course it could never be too

big see what's in the spam i don't that's not interesting you have a laser light go through

the humidity what the hell is he talking to his mom he's talking to his mom yeah mama hill it's

awesome i think he said something about his robot legs going through the humidity yeah oh i've got

got something in japanese i can't read that cyber step hmm they look legit wonder if there's

anything interesting in my uh in the fake uh facebook accounts that i have that i used to

troll with hey how's it going i'm really how we used to have for like abortions

oh that is well the fucking that hello congratulations on your new baby boy lol

lol jk it's the worst like yeah i made a shirt of it i remember how pissed off they would get though

they were furious and they were up from ireland right yeah yeah hey snails hey

how you doing buddy uh it was just uh i'm in the passenger seat of a motor vehicle

ah who's driving you oh it's nick caesar i didn't see it hold it back up please

What did Mama Hilla get you for Christmas, Matt?

Like, silly stuff is pointless.

Great.

I got two for that, bud.

My friend gave me some cool markers in his sketchbook.

It's like, let's see, what's he saying?

I'm looking at...

I can't see it.

Oh, butt slamming?

You've been butt slamming?

Yeah, I got it.

I'm looking at Facebook Live,

and on the left it always shows

really popular

streams and they have Alex Jones

up there right now and it says red alert

Obama signs a bill putting CIA

in control of media.

Somebody gave me

this

tight

blue Superman shirt

that I don't know

I'm surprised Alex

Jones' head hasn't exploded yet.

He just gets so angry.

And he's on his way to a heart attack

But he ought to watch it

He's like

Mom got me this shirt

That says drink more kale

That's cool I like that

You can have it

I was saying I actually brought you up

I said me and Jessica wear this together

Cause it's like

Made out of like nylon material

And it's 2X long sleeve

So it's

Like really really

really big and satiny like like the idea of it right you just need a girlfriend she'll wear it

you're liking a single life though aren't you for now it's all right yeah you're doing all right

i didn't mean to bring you down sir oh you didn't you didn't at all i'm just like yeah this is

fucking

fucking ridiculous

like it was like

I don't know why I mean it was nice

I like giving stuff

but yeah it was just pointless

like it was just another day

like I didn't even go

like I was just here with you guys on Christmas

Eve and then didn't even go

over there cause she called me

early in the morning she went to the sister

said like the little baby

was sick with the croup

and didn't want me to get sick so I just

sat here all by myself for Christmas Day.

You could have called my real phone.

Yeah, I don't know if I know it anymore.

Legend fucking always gets me

out of my, because I haven't saved this

new thing, and then, like,

I don't know why I never noticed

813 is him, but I'm always like,

who the fuck is this? Like, I answer it really

like, not like, hey, buddy, but like,

yeah. Like, fuck you.

Like, kinda.

Aaron and Jim.

I don't want to call anything.

But your speakerphone, you could have talked to my grandma.

Remember the time you swore and shit at her?

You keep telling me about that, but of course I don't remember.

Sorry, I keep saying it again.

No, no, but I'm saying of course I don't remember it.

I don't remember shit.

It's funny.

You know, I wish a really Merry Christmas to Aaron, but I wish a really shitty Hanukkah to Jim.

Fuck yeah.

Happy Hanukkah.

Thank you.

That's all I need.

Hell, you're not a fool.

Sure, come on, man.

Samantha was saying today

because you know her

her fucking Instagram is

I am George Michael

I didn't know that

oh yeah yeah

you don't fuck with it

I like it and then

but anyways I just put all

my Instagrams on Twitter

and then they go to Facebook too

all one big thing

and I think like

Instagram but like Facebook owns

Instagram now right? I don't know

i know i know i pretty sure you know yeah yeah yeah yeah so what's he drawing let's see what's

he saying z100 the gerbil z100.3 fm the gerbil you butt slammed scary minus art yeah if you want

to see some live great art this guy on instagram i can't like like your pictures everywhere nick

nick i see him on facebook i see him on instagram see him everywhere i'm trying to think of somebody

that might stay on like maybe like uh i don't know human meds you think they'd stay around

jay poolscape i wonder he's off dj poolscape we can just wish him a happy christmas yeah he's not

really we can try but yeah let's try okay i don't know i have a phone number busy right when i try

i have this one to say it is dirty fucking immigrant nut so this could be good dirty

fucking immigrant cunt i like them all like pokemon i got you and this is yeah dirty

fucking immigrant nut deceptive jerk maybe i could just read off all my things maybe you should

call a bunch of them at the same time no because then all we need is one to get stuck on again and

and it fucks everything out.

That's why I'm not...

I want to call Linux.

Don't leave.

We have reached the voicemail box of

310-927-9398.

I'm not able to hang up on this.

4, 5, 2, 6.

Numbers.

I can hang up on...

Oh, no, it's not.

Oh, no.

See, it stays on.

It's something with...

Because the way he's doing something

with that program,

I think I can call things,

but I can't hang up on them.

so now we're gonna leave this dirty fucking immigrant the long message carlito and his

newfangled technology yeah like it's neat i can't call things i can't disconnect the calls so

that's the thing so what do what now i'm back what happened oh my god beautiful uh oh i can

call things but i can't hang up on them you can so we were we were stuck in a loop of that weird

connecting call thing and it just wouldn't it wouldn't hang up oh my god that whole time like

right now we're leaving oh no i ended up i what i have to do is if i disconnect my whole call right

and call it right back then it's gone like here let me i just want to show you this crit okay this

this thing um it wouldn't don't get stuck on it again well he's here now though so did you get

to do calls uh not barely like we just but we try to connect here like this okay now carlito

like this thing please hold well now look i hung up on it on my end carlito please wait one moment

but i can't do it's happening secondary and alternate option see what i'm saying it's like

hung up for me but i think it is it like through whatever program you're using does that dial it

as well maybe no no no no it's it's skype but it's just surprising that they're letting you

even connect calls now you know that we learned that but yeah well i think you just disconnected

it somehow i did by hanging it up because i'm posting oh but i'm saying you you're able to hang

things up like i'm not able to hang things up yeah yeah i'd see if i would have known yeah how

long was i gone like 20 minutes it was all right man it wasn't very long we got snails we got ds

here dwight's here still yeah he's checking his junk mail recluse heel he'll just say i'm prank

master yeah he was saying he had some cool shit on uh facebook like live shit but like i i can

only pay so much attention i'm freaking out that because then i didn't want to hang up on the thing

because i'm like it's going to go off the air yeah and that whole thing just doing this checking

being a secondary call member i'm trying to fucking get rid of it but what i was like what

i just realized i could i could have just we could have hung up and had you host the skype for a

while and that would have worked and it's because it's not tied to it i did would let you go on

because it's okay it's a weird oh then oh maybe if i did the slash live like if we would just end

the thing and then i like yeah like if you would have just ended the thing and i just did slash

live than i'd host it i think like zax is always talking about oh i don't know i don't know because

yeah because some days we'll leave like a party time thing up for like a week or something

and then but he can just like bring it back to life let's call pay away right hot pussy seltzer

i feel like a weights off my shoulders

i was and i was like i gotta piss thank you for calling payway agent diner located

They just got to Juan Road in the hunt.

Oh, yes.

They went home badly.

Of course.

Yeah, is that Zachariah?

Oh, I dig the weird hat.

Zachariah?

Yeah, did anyone come over there looking for some stuff?

Some what?

Did some people come over looking for some stuff?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

My bad.

No problem.

All right.

I was just curious.

Yeah, is that it?

Was there a lot of people?

Yeah, it was like 10.

Oh, wow.

Shit.

Wow.

All right.

Is that it?

Yeah, because you were kind of rude to me on the phone.

You know, I didn't like that.

Yeah, no problem, man.

Sorry about that.

All right, well, and I forgot what my issue was the first evening, but, you know, I'm sorry to bother you.

Yeah, no problem.

All right, bye.

See you.

Bye.

Oh, he's a nice guy now.

I feel kind of bad.

Except someone else over there.

Maybe he realized.

He realized he was a dick to me.

Can I help you?

Yeah, hey.

This is Carrabba's, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, this is Zachariah at Payway.

Okay.

Yeah, you know where I'm at, right?

Right down the way?

What are you?

I'm right around the corner at Payway.

I work here.

I'm Zachariah.

I am Zachariah.

Hold on, please.

Shit.

Let Caraba's Catering bring flavor to your office.

The hell?

Maybe an alert went out to the whole complex.

Let everybody know.

Hi, Carlina.

Hey, what's up, Evil Artie?

Hey.

What's up, man?

Hey, how you doing?

Hey, it's great.

Speak up, motherfucker.

Evil Artie said he was man of the glory hole when I added him.

What?

Circuits are busy now.

It's late.

Shut up.

up calling the green turtle hunt valley this is megan how can i help you yeah this is zachariah

payway zachariah pay hi how may i help you you guys need to get your shit out of here do you

want to talk to my manager well i don't ever got to talk to you listen you guys had a bunch of stuff

delivered over here you need to get this shit out of here before i throw it out the window

yes sir let me get my manager let's go let's go let's go i'm putting you on hold for a moment

people really don't like that let's go let's go clap clap clap thing people straight up just

hang up on me for doing it faster than if i would have cursed them out i could say the nastiest

thing they might even stick on but if i go let's go let's go clap clap clap they take a lot of

offense especially ladies they don't like that shit yeah so how's the heat over there snails

how you doing that's great man balls here feels like minus 21 well you you're the closest person

here to iceland out of all of us so that is very true and greenland which is a lie greenland is

It's icy, and Iceland is green.

Yeah, that's how they get you.

I'm going to order myself a burger.

The original real estate scam.

I'm all about these turkey burgers from this Busy Burger place.

The original Ponzi scheme.

The naming of Iceland and Greenland.

Right.

The Vikings.

Busy Burger.

Buy some property in beautiful Greenland.

Buy some land.

It's greener than Iceland.

Vikings are probably like, damn, yeah, Iceland.

land thing thanks for holding this ashley how can i help you yeah hey actually you guys need to get

your shit out of here this is zachariah payway fucking goddamn immigrants yeah you guys got to

get your shit moved out of here i think there was a delivery over here okay yeah and we need to get

it out it's food it's a bunch of stuff a bunch of food okay this is the first i'm hearing of it

yeah well second off then you need to get this shit out of here and for the thousandth time

we're not 118 you guys are 118 we're 114 we're 114 oh come get it let's go we gotta go let's go

let's go this this food's gonna start spoiling pretty soon that you got delivered is me i'm

gonna throw out the windows all right they're on the way the uh the being super mad at them

like really gets a movement you know yeah let's go like that like that kid doesn't give a chance

to call bullshit when you're giving them

the, like, fucking get here right now

thing I knew.

Yeah, that's the trick that football players use.

Yeah.

Oh, what was that?

I don't know, just go, let's go, let's go.

Let's clap.

Like, I think I can get through to, like,

a lot of things with just acting

like I know the people. Like, hey, how you doing, buddy?

Like, I can get through

like a lot of bullshit with that, you know?

Oh, yeah, they teach that.

Psychology. Ponzi scheme.

you should run a scam church like brother carlos he's everything brother carlos says he starts with

hello friends think about it yeah hey friend this is uh this is zachariah i'm here at payway

what did we make the thing you guys need to get your shit out of here out of the street

we came together in the city and we got a lot of shooting done you guys had a bunch of stuff

delivered here at payway i don't know why some delivery came here it says for 118 we're not

not 118 we're 114 do you know what the company was i don't know what company it was we're in the

middle of a rush here all i know is that uh uh fucking brother carlos came from the back was like

oh yeah then we got a delivery like i did today on a monday i don't think so and i went back there

and it's all your stuff yeah we got our delivery though and that's what i'm saying well i don't

know but i'm you guys got about five minutes before i start throwing this stuff out the back

door so i can spoil hey man do what you do what you got to do man don't threaten me you need to

get your shit out of here he doesn't care he does not give a shit most of these supervisors will be

like oh fuck don't don't do that they're seeing their bottom line go up motherfuckers he doesn't

give a shit because he knows fucking they don't get deliveries today so oh i guess that's kind of

a bad day for yeah the delivery scams maybe you could maybe dhl they delivered in uh in uh christmas

vacation on christmas eve yeah they they came and gave him the jelly of the month club thing

yeah on christmas eve yeah yeah exactly like he got stuck between the things but here it is yeah

i don't know why that kid wasn't it just some kid i was like i'm sorry sir no it was like some man

but he said like the kid knocked it between c or i think maybe he said no he's like a grown

It's like some schlep that works for fucking DHL or Chris V.

He's a grown man with children, motherfucker.

Yeah, I got issues with people breeding.

I don't think it's a wise idea, but it's a whole different thing.

Let's ask for fat girls.

By the way, congratulations.

I don't know why.

Thanks.

Hey, we're calling for fat girl clothes.

Sorry, Dark Stranger.

Hey, we got to wear stuff.

Yeah, hey, look, do you have girls for fat women?

hmm do you have girls clothes for fat women clothes for fat women yes okay how fat um of a

woman can come in 26 all right well how about how tall are you you sound like you're like five two

five three one second okay size 28 girls for fat women what is like i fuck i'm like my i'm rocking

in these 38 pants is all the time 28 oh no it's not the waist size it's like women's clothing size

is messed up fucking broad i don't know what it's probably like 50 inches or something

thanks for holding this candy time i help you today so 24 like how many is that a man

24 and and in man units how much would that be women's and men's clothing are well that's why

i'm asking 24 equals what in men's do not know all right well like how big a girl are you um

Oh, well, you work at Lynn Bryant, though, man.

You're a big girl, though, right?

You could probably lose, like, what, 10, 20, 30?

I'm actually not.

I'm actually small.

Oh, can I talk to a fat woman, then?

Because you wouldn't understand.

I can hold.

But, you know, if you were to call Joseph a bank, they would actually be able to help you out more.

You think they can, like, translate that into man, man units?

Are you trying to wear some of our clothes?

Well, I mean, why?

Would that give me a different kind of service?

Is that what you're trying to say?

No.

Why does it matter?

Why are you asking me like that?

I know my rights.

Why are you talking like that?

This state has no discrimination law.

Excuse me.

I understand that, sir, but you did say you wanted to speak to a fat woman and not me,

and that's discrimination as well.

Well, yeah, but this is a blue state, and the size of your belly isn't protected under the laws of the state.

But my sexual preference and my gender identity is.

I understand that, sir.

All right.

All right, so, yeah, don't be trying to act like you guys are some kind of group protective group.

You know what, sir?

I'm not getting rude with you, and I will repriate it if you mean it.

All right, well, this is a blue state, all right?

So if you can transfer to a fat girl, I can maybe get the help I need.

24, we do 28.

If you would like to come in here and try it on, we will be more than glad to help you figure out your right size.

But I do not know the average between a man and woman.

We'd be more than happy to figure that out for men and try it on our pants.

Okay, well, you can't just tell me how big a girl you are, then?

Sir, I shop in here.

I am actually one of the smallest women in the store.

Oh, but that's why you can't help me, though.

You don't understand what's going on.

No, sir, I understand.

Like, I'm supposed to, like, you know, you know, you're not a peer, you know?

I understand.

But if you wanted to come in and try those on, we can help you and figure it out.

Listen, I don't mean to offend, but you sound like an African-American woman also, right?

Yes, sir, I am.

You know how black people have a sound to their voice?

okay well you have that too so i mean you really are don't understand where i'm coming from you

couldn't understand like you know when you look at our nature you look at our nature you see blue

birds are blue birds and cardinals fly with cardinals you know well you know it's fly with

give me one second give me one second excuse me you're a male what size 24 and women be

you stupid it's in men you see you don't even know you can't even understand the language

Sir, you just called me stupid, and I'm trying to confirm to you I can't hang up.

Well, you're trying to say 24 and men's, okay, honey?

No, sir, I did not.

He is a woman.

He's in our store, and I asked him whether it was a convertible in a 24-woman for a man.

Another mistake.

You got minus three points already on this out of ten.

You know what, sir?

Do you want to come in here?

Because right now you are really upsetting me.

This is a C call.

I'm trying to provide you with the best customer service.

You have been rude calling me anyone coming from.

I would rather you come in at any location, see me,

and we can do this thing over the phone.

All right, can I talk to the man, though, please?

I am the man or the manager?

No, the man, the man.

Okay, one second.

And lower your voice.

Hello?

It's a damn shame it's breaking up so much.

Damn.

Black fat girls matter.

It's not that bad, buddy.

Black fat girls matter.

Come on, what do you picture when you hear that voice, right?

Like you do that movie, Boy.

I don't know.

It sounds like she could take a load to the face.

Well, if you're into that, that's fine.

Yeah, sure, man.

Like I said, I think she's just an old colored lady that happens to work at this fat girl's store and just hates it and is trying to be polite and kind of like hates the world.

She's not old. She's 30s, 40s maybe.

Yeah, but I don't know. I think a lot of people, like grown-ups, I don't feel grown-up yet.

You're like double her age probably.

Oh, I know, probably, but I don't feel like a grown-up.

Because she's a black, she's an old.

If she was a white girl, you would say white person.

Hello?

Hello.

Hey, this is still a woman, though.

Very good.

Okay, so did you find a man yet?

Wow.

Yeah, I didn't say axe.

Okay, there you go, Matt.

There's your answer.

There you go.

That's what you are, right?

That's what I said.

I said I'm rocking a 38.

That's not that fast.

Because it's the company phone.

That's not that fat, though, because Maddie's 38, though, you know?

Alright yeah so

We got to the bottom of it

We got to the bottom

I don't know what else to tell you

I guess all we really need to do

Is Google it

Your associate was really rude to me

When she was talking to me

She was very prejudiced

I was listening to the conversation

And I didn't hear any prejudiced talk

Well, she kept saying, you people, you people.

I was fixed to her the entire time, and I did not hear you people come out of her mouth.

All right, yeah, listen, well, with all due respect, you said ax instead of ask to me.

So what you heard probably doesn't mean much of anything what you claim never heard.

Well, actually, I graduated with a 4.9 and was a valedictorian of my class.

So I do know the difference, which would probably be considered as ebonics, but it translates as the same thing.

Yeah, but you said ax, though.

I mean, and you're at work, you're at a professional setting.

Right.

What product do you use in your hair?

I also feel.

What product do I use in my hair?

Well, I'll just answer some demographics here about this issue that I'm having.

I use shampoo.

What kind?

Well, it's the brand.

What's the brand?

Trust me.

Ah, of course.

Of course.

Right?

Yeah.

Yeah, I understand.

I understand.

Is there anything else you need, sir?

What kind of perfume are you wearing?

I'm not wearing any perfume.

Oh, of course.

Of course.

I understand.

That's typical, you know?

And typical of what?

Well, just of these kind of issues that I have with people like you

and the one lady I was talking with.

And what are people like me, if I may accept?

Ignorant. It's ignorant.

And what exactly makes me ignorant?

Well, you said acts instead of ask. That's for one.

And you also do not know how to formulate a question.

All right, so you're going to bring out your big red marker

to mark all over my paper.

If that's the way you need to win,

If that's the way you need to prove to yourself, you know, that you won, go ahead.

I'll power, more power to you.

Thank you.

All right.

Good luck with that, honey.

That's nice.

Okay, honey, baby.

Is there anything else you need?

Honey, baby, sweetie, labia, vulva.

Is there anything else you need?

Yeah, vaginal secretions.

I need a, well, I'd like a nice lady.

I guess not.

I'll transfer you through to Dark Stranger.

Maybe she has something for you.

I don't know.

I'll take this a different route.

You said transfer me over to...

Ah, this is broad.

Hey, DS.

Woo.

You there?

Hi, I have a couple of questions for you in regards to dating my friend here.

Hello?

She's consulting.

Yeah.

She's having a sidebar real quick.

See if it's a love match.

She's having a sidebar real quick over there.

Come on.

Hey, lady.

Or gentleman.

Wow, I heard it, BB.

Hey, Carlito, I have a pearl party in the thing.

Oh, yes.

Let's all watch the pearl party.

I keep remembering Matt telling the guy that he loved the strong hazard killing.

What?

Yeah, do you ever shuck oysters?

I like to see your strong hands, like, getting in there and killing them.

Your big, bare hands.

It's associate.

Associate.

He said associate.

Here we go.

of it thank you goodbye have a great holiday and a great new year we call again and we're

gonna have a sermon because i'm speaking to you typical reaction now it always ends up

where you're gonna go right in your neighborhood now calm down lady what's wrong oh shit

i can't i can't do it i can't chat in this pro party there's no chat but we've got our phone

number well oh but okay so we gotta listen to it yeah we can basically disrupt her thing until she

picks up the phone is it safe to uh share that with the people to watch while we do it or no

people the people it's gotta be or it's pointless right

well if you think it's safe to share it in the chat room or wherever because right now i'm gonna

i wasn't sure to the chat i mean we shared it here oh here but you but you get audio through

you're right oh yeah yeah all right cool audio audio audio all right and that's the number to

call that's there looking at my good shoes about that time excuse me

listen to dwight smoking weed over there for the first time wow get out of here yeah he is yeah

he got his car and everything get out of here for real wait what yeah uh hey welcome to the

yeah sick right that's what i would say that's what matt said to get his card

oh i'm so sick doc i need to get high i got the dizzies so sick of people

oh i hear the phone ringing

she's confused do you roll the sweet because you've got it going on she picked it up and

looked at it yeah she's like talking to herself trying to figure out who the fuck this is calling

your call has been forwarded to an audience she's she's very concerned it's frozen on mine with her

like like making a voice you know she's like all right let's play just a little um you're not

gonna pick up again rattle like bell the ball i think if he keeps calling she'll eventually do

it's gonna piss her off so you only hear a stutter in the audio hey we all have to get

um okay miss sally you're next the landline for this house she has sexy tattoos miss sally you

here yes alyssa she got like a silvery purple mermaid i got a serious delay though it's really

pretty here i'll shut you oh yeah i'm watching the video while i'm listening to your audio

I don't even think I...

She just keeps looking at the phone.

Come on. Why can we not share this with the fucking...

Oh, because it's a wrap.

I think it'll go too bad.

Even though I just left you, like, 20 minutes ago.

Oh, I gotcha.

Oh, I gotcha. Yeah.

We should do these at party time, because I wouldn't care. I'd be happy to share.

then they get saved

oh look at that little

she's putting it in the fortune teller room too

that's gonna be

miss sally

can i

should i start

giving it angry faces maybe

my mom's the same way

she um

how's that

it starts

she um

yeah

do y'all

do like

yes i did read your text

i'm sorry i just haven't responded to you

yeah

it's not doing that live thing

like it does for other people

oh my mom does that

She buys Christmas gifts for the dogs.

Jack Russell was still alive.

She loved it.

Can you get a friend or family member's number?

Call everything.

It's going to go good.

Can you get a friend or family member's number to change the ID to?

Take it and go play.

Oh, that could be neat.

One of them who's chatting right now in there.

He hosts his party, so all the hostess stuff is up for grabs.

And I need to write down.

It would have to be a cell phone.

I don't know.

She won't buy.

She's doing something to ring her now.

I think it would just be funny to get them both ringing at the same time.

You know, like weird texts or like just start texting weird pictures.

Oh, you gave me two numbers for her.

I'm sorry.

She got the landline number.

Oh, shit.

I talked to her earlier today about booking a party,

so that's one of the three bookings for the white pearl strand.

White pearls are the best pearls.

Sex talk code.

I don't know where Sally went

We must have lost Sally

So let's move on

Let's fill out what Sally's getting

Sally died

Rest in peace

The number you have reached

5-6-3

The number you have reached

5-6-3

We should cut that number off.

Give me one second.

Let me do a refresh.

Let me refresh my page.

She's really late.

All right.

Let me do a refresh.

Down to 36 viewers.

Yes.

We have 36 viewers?

Oh, she is.

She has.

Oh, you.

You're way better.

Yeah, you're about to get mad.

Like, I got to have more than that.

I got to go.

I can't do this for only 36 people.

36.

36 is good numbers for a party time.

That's a lot of numbers.

You're up to 75 now.

She's getting frustrated now.

I know. I'm seeing it.

You know what it would be neat to do?

We should.

It would be neat to just take the video off.

Your call has been forwarded.

I can bomb her. I got this thing where I can just do a whole bunch.

Go out at once.

She turned her ringer off.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated...

It's funny when the ringer's on and it goes,

I wonder if it has nothing to do

with the call.

I mean, I'm sorry.

with the

like they don't

call in to bid

or

um

okay so scotty

answered

i like to call them

and just say

when the taxi

going to get here

like i'm all

fucking drunk

or when's the pizza

going to get here

your call has

just fucking

pick up

yes

let me know

your work schedule

don't you work

at the one on five

i can bring it to you

i'm like five minutes

from you

maybe i'll change

the editor house

number maybe

that'll help

schedule okay i love you guys but we have got to get rid of these please please please please take

one of these ashley oh up the ass i've got oh she's auctioning i thought she was like

i don't know what you want to send her fingers

she was holding her fingers please take one of these

It's Melissa!

It's Miss Teresa, I'm about to check my messages, hold on.

Checking the messages.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated...

Alright, I'll try her cousin's ID.

I'm liking this dark straighter being like the hacker.

Yeah, where'd that come from?

Like, I've got this right here.

I've got the schematics for you.

I've got this.

I need dark glasses first.

I got all her secrets.

I got this.

Okay.

And Miss Teresa, I got you.

I will write you down.

I always feel like if I don't get y'all something good, I let you down.

All right, I'm going to pick two, and I'll...

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice...

Damn, she wouldn't even answer from her cousin.

She's looking at it.

At least someone may have ratted us out.

Okay.

See what I'm saying?

As in, it's Carlito, or it's the people I call...

I really like Destiny.

So this one is really dark.

Dark, dark, dark.

And this one is really thick and chunky.

What the hell is she doing?

Do you want dark, or do you want...

She's selling the...

People pay for jewelry,

and then she'll open up these oysters

to get out the man-made pearls

inside to put into the settings

of the jewelry.

So they do it all on Facebook Live.

Murderer.

It's fun stuff.

Oh, I got her address.

South Bronx, eh?

Yep.

She won't answer the phone.

Here's her address.

dress. Sorry. I could have shared that information

earlier. Yeah, you really could have.

I'm calling Noodles and Company back. That was

the black lady that got really mad about me

calling to get her shit out. I'm just watching

this lady shuck oysters.

Thank you for calling Noodles and Company.

Interesting. To reach our catering specialist,

press 1. If you would like

to place a to-go order, please

visit noodles.com.

For all other calls, press 2.

Noodles and Company, how can I help you?

Yeah, listen, I called earlier because

you people need to get your shit out of here.

uh yeah i was talking to someone over there she was gonna send people to get your shit out of here

out of my store this is romaine thank you for calling oh hey i'm a big fan um i called earlier

your people said someone over here to get your shit out of here out of my store um please don't

call back um if this is a prank call it's not a prank call man i'm just telling you your shit

got left over here there is no was his name romaine romaine i said i'm a big fan yeah and

his nickname bro try that uh last number i put on there i think that might be her number for the

oh okay so we still got her so it's good that i still have this tab open

popped right up when i popped her address

miss sally wants to take it from you

okay uh hello no she picked up and hung up i didn't even hear it

let's hear that ring on the video you guys are listening too right okay brandy are you here

yeah miss brandy i can tell you no you not for the mystery hostess guys for that i'll let you

know if you win squirrel pearls yeah i wanted to buy some of them clams listen motherfucker you

i need to talk about the clams that i need to buy i want to buy four of them yes isn't your

old lady over there selling clams oh i don't know she got a big fat clam between her legs

so maybe she's selling it off, you know?

Yeah, you're an asshole, you know that?

You were really an asshole from the beginning of this call.

Call me back.

Well, fuck you, motherfucker.

I don't think that was the house.

No, it's the number that was associated with that address.

What a real motherfucker.

You know what?

You know, it might be that that's just an apartment building

and, like, that's the manager or some shit.

No, it's the same last name, yeah.

I kind of want to save the number and call them again.

I'll call them now.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, please do, please.

All right, let me save that.

Well, he hung up, and he picked up and hung up.

Ch-ch-ch, doom, ch-ch-ch, doom.

Well, uh, okay.

That's a nice little track right there.

Yeah, I got that lady with the oysters muted,

and I'm just kind of listening to the music here.

It's kind of horny.

Yeah, it's awesome.

Let's call the over-eaters.

Let's see what they're up to tonight.

Or today.

Let me pull one up here.

Hey, do you want to call Far Africa?

Yeah.

Oh, the Farts Down in Africa.

Let's try Sex Stories.

Yeah, get those garbage hotels.

Hello.

So I've dialed that wrong.

Shit.

Invalid conference code.

Hello.

Let's talk Sex Stories.

Welcome to the conference calling.

The conference has not started.

If you are the host, please enter your four-digit host code to open the conference.

If you are not the host, please press the star key to connect to the conference and wait.

Did she say press the dark key?

The dark key.

Dark key?

it sounded like darky we will now connect you to your call there's someone here right

you need to press on that darky is there another one going on there dwight

link the post what reefer badness what are you looking for i got it i don't know what you're

talking about oh the the thing no they don't want that they don't they don't want the clams

welcome this service is provided by free conference what are you talking about

The access code or phone number you have dialed isn't correct.

Please check your credentials and try again.

You entered.

If you are the host, press star now.

Otherwise, please wait and you will be joined into the conference.

Oh, you're doing that too?

Yeah, I just looked at you and we're both like...

I'm totally bobbing my head.

Go out of there.

It says it's a 7.30 start, so it may be 15 minutes, but that's the next one.

Yeah, they're busy eating right now.

i didn't know if they maybe some of them jumped off but at 7 30 it looks like a bunch of

that's prime time for over three four do you want to call the uh the person that's in charge

of the meeting and tell him to fucking start the meeting yeah yeah yeah i'll be like come on man

we're not getting any skinnier it is the overeaters anonymous let's go let's go let's go

hey we're done with the clam lady uh i think we're done with the clam lady because she doesn't

okay because i'll shut her yeah shut her off bugging me with this fucking stupid tattoo and

fat arms those aren't the kind of clams i'm the clam guy the like i'm putting clams for kids

i think his name is i don't know oh i can turn the text chat to see what the please leave your

message for two eight yeah there's another pearl is that a new one like right now yep

a little different my friends i like to do blessings and pearls so at the beginning of each

video she's gonna do a blessing here for everyone the way to spend their money on her

and even if the pain does go the memory is still there the thoughts and question marks

is always is always there do what now i'm sorry i said to remember prince of that diamond and

Pearls song and he has those two broads

and they dive in a pearl and dance

around with them. I remember a strand of pearls

baked into a pie.

4 and 20 Blackbirds.

Wasn't there something in that video

where he's got a fork in a pie

and a strand of pearls is coming out of it?

I don't remember that.

It used to be like the cum coming

out of his pie.

I don't know.

Wasn't he a weird Jehovah's

Witness? The whole thing about him

is strange did you have you you've seen the kevin smith thing right from way back when the story of

the wall yeah i've heard this story yeah like i haven't you know like i'm sure he's told the

story on a lot of things yeah but about filming the thing and but yeah it's like all that shit

comes out someday yeah yeah oh so many people have weird stories about prince smith anyway so

she's selling pearls she's doing a blessing right now for everyone to spend money on her pyramids

Pearls.com, or you can go to iPurl on Facebook.

I remember dancing in nightclubs at First Avenue where it filled with purple rain

because I was like, we're staying the time we're on the stage.

Oh, nice.

It's another Kevin Smith thing.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

You got them pearls?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, I want to go ahead and give you an order.

I'd like four clams, please, four clams.

I like the real stinky ones.

You can't sell you just the oysters.

But I got cash money I can pay I'll pay over the phone with cash here

Okay, sorry about that

Leah yes, you can

Yes, you can and

Lisa

Okay, I'll get you. All right. So here's what we're doing. We're doing an angel party

Oh, no.

They don't go flying across the screen for me, though.

This guy wanted to pay over the phone and order just four oysters, the stinky ones.

Your call has been forwarded to an...

All right.

All right, that matters.

Didn't you call them clams, though?

I called them clams, yeah.

They take a real offense to call them clams.

that have lost children, spouses, brothers, sisters, dads,

you know, just anybody.

And, Leah, I should have it.

She won't answer again.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voicemail.

She's giving these weird funny ones.

All right, so, um,

All right, I'll change the ID to something.

and maybe that'll increase my chances of a new pickup here.

Tell her to not do mirror on her mani-cam

because I can't read the sign behind her.

It looks like it's telling me to go to the left,

but I think it's really, like...

I'm going to try to instigate it a little bit to where...

Oh, there's Matt's...

I'm able to buy the oysters by themselves now.

I was calling you, Matt.

Yeah, I got to get food.

Yeah, answer the phone, Matt.

That's his turkey burger.

Do-do-do.

Be-bow-new-a-new.

Is that an actual game show from the 70s?

Or is this just a random tune he got?

It sounds like Donkey Kong.

No.

She's still talking about it.

Yeah, but like Nintendo 64.

Now there's other people calling.

So you can go to iPerl on Facebook or BlessingsandPerls.com.

I like the video.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated...

Put Angel as the hostess.

It's you tonight.

Any ideas to get her to answer?

Any alternate numbers we can try?

I was thinking we were 7 o'clock, and Danny reminded me it was at 6,

so I still have my Christmas stickers.

Oh, my God, this lady.

Who wants Christmas stickers now?

Falling off now.

We'll stick to the Christmas stickers.

I should have got some theme stickers.

Sorry.

Our call has been forwarded to an automated voicemail.

Just turn it off.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voicemail.

You're bothering her, though.

Awesome, awesome, awesome.

So I'm going to turn my phone off because people are repeatedly...

Hold on here, DodgeDot. I think he's missing something on mine and I'm not sure what it is.

Let's see what you got on yours.

Throttle lever strikes dashpot rod. The rod must push diaphragm back before it can move back. Air must be forced out vent.

This causes diaphragm to move slowly with throttle lever moved away. Spring will force diaphragm out. Air will down vent. Dashpot is ready to work again.

I don't care what they're talking about.

I don't care what that looks like, Jerry.

I'm telling you what the Dashbot is.

Who is the Dashbot on here, Jerry?

Who?

Dashbot is inside.

Stop that.

what the fuck was that i think uh jay is playing yeah jay was playing but that was some weird shit

yeah he's the one who keeps blasting the music and doing stuff yeah stop that

do you have more numbers i gotta wrap it up here actually pretty soon pretty soon

yeah the the overeaters just starts in like seven minutes all right i'll hold on until that i can

we can mess with them once so give me at least seven to ten jay stop playing the sound effects

It's killing everything

It's killing the mood man

You're really killing it

My bad

What mood did I kill?

Oh not you

Not you

I went and got

You guys see this

In tiny chat

Look at this

Let's see your burger

It's a nice thing

Nice hamburger

Oh look

Markman sent numbers

It's a turkey burger

With Swiss

And bacon

With onion rings

Oh yeah

This is my new jam

Like I've ordered

The same thing

10 times

Always a turkey burger

Different cheese

And bacon

Hey look

Look, I found the Plaza Hotel where they film Home Alone 2.

Brad should call this place.

Oh, someone just didn't want us to broadcast.

Thank you for calling the Plaza Hotel in New York City.

To speak to the operator, please press 4.

Please wait.

You are being transferred to the operator.

Yeah, you're a real piece of garbage.

You're a real piece of garbage.

Who are you talking to?

I'm talking to you, you're a piece of garbage.

He is.

He should have never said that.

Who are you talking to?

You're stopping me.

you don't do talking to me thank you for calling the plaza hotel in new york please wait you are

being transferred to the operator good evening thank you for calling the plaza am i direct your

call yeah that guy just hung up on me who does he think he is i'm not sure who he thinks he is sir

who do you want to look can you put that black man on the phone please i had a question for him

how do you know that the man is right that you were speaking to you sir i could heard it in his

voice you can hear that he was black in your voice yeah in his voice i can also hear that

You're incredibly ignorant and disgustingly stupid.

Oh, you're disgusting.

I can hear you're a woman.

You got a problem.

Mm-hmm.

You have a good evening, Sarah.

I can hear you're menstruating.

Oh, thank you.

I can hear it over the phone.

I can smell it.

I'm sure.

And I'm sure that your mom can hear your stupid ass all the way from my room.

Yeah, this is what it sounds like when you menstruate.

Fog.

I don't know why this...

I'm having real problems with this fucking sound effect.

Damn this burger.

It's in one ear.

Why?

There it goes.

Now it's fixed.

I had a button pushed down.

Button, button.

You got the button.

That's it.

Thank you for calling.

Please wait.

You are being transferred to the operator.

This isn't the kind of service I was expecting after seeing this in the hotel.

Thank you for calling the password.

Can I speak on my direct call?

Hey, boy.

How you doing?

Someone's talking all shit.

Hey, boy.

That just does it.

Oh, somebody says I'm really quiet.

Ready for madness.

Am I quiet to you all?

Not anymore.

You were a little bit there.

Oh.

Oh, maybe I just moved the mic away when I was doing something.

Maybe, maybe.

Hey, Matt, you need credit repair.

Oh, wait.

I am.

Hang on.

All right.

Hey, is this a whole new thing?

What new thing?

Now is it way louder?

Kind of.

Wait, I just ejected.

It was all the way loud.

Oh, wow.

We're quiet.

Now it's all the way loud.

Thank you for calling creditrepair.com.

Unfortunately, we are unable to serve your state of residence.

However, we proudly...

Oh.

All right.

Whatever that means

Oh, it was turning all the way down

Oh, wow, come on, man

Let's go, let's go

Thank you

Oh, they're closed, Parkman

They're closed, Parkman

Come on, man

Where'd you go, Burger King?

Or your mom went, obviously

Oh, yeah

They deliver to your place?

Oh, I'll be sure to call them

thank you for calling wabc tv abc 7 in new york our regular office hours are 9 a.m to 5 p.m

monday through friday to report a breaking news story wait while i transfer your call

it's got some pipes on them i heard that yeah i read this news yeah i got some breaking news i

just saw okay yeah there was a man matt hillock he was inside the lows the lows home repair home

Home Improvement.

Who was?

Matt Hillock was there.

Who was that?

He's just an alcoholic guy, and he went in there.

He went to the bathroom.

Okay.

I have audio of it right here.

How much can you pay me for this?

I just pulled the dumb and dumber move I want.

Thank you for calling UWAB.

Wait while I transfer your call.

Look at the fun bags on that hose.

I love going on it with my fake Lenny account.

no and uh uh hitting on guys with it making them really uncomfortable like the black dudes would

be on there like talking mad shit and then i'll be on there with the lenny account be like oh you

look as sexy as fuck right now who is this gay motherfucker i'm alive like those just start

fucking going full bore like this crazy as hell yeah they get mad they get mad that's the burger

oh okay i'll be sure to make it so they don't ever deliver to you again

I like this place because they got

Pizza Pops.

Pizza Pops?

You know, I saw those

on the menu this weekend.

I almost ordered it.

It's like

a big pizza roll.

It's like

a Totino's pizza roll.

Your call has been forwarded to an

on-the-nose fried.

I don't know if I want that.

It's selling for $12.99.

They were expensive, like $12.99.

I could buy a pizza for that.

Oh, no.

They were like three or four bucks at a Chicago hot dog place.

Is it sort of like a Calhoun?

Yeah, but really grimy and stupid.

Really grimy and stupid.

I like them.

I mean, they're shit.

They're just fried, like frozen garbage.

But yeah.

Delicious.

If you look up Pizza Puff, oh, dude, they're good as fuck.

Well, I don't know if they're like that here at the Pennsylvania Pizza Puff.

I don't know. They were selling pizzas for

$11.99 starting out

and the pizza puffs were $12.99.

I was like, what the fuck?

I've never got one of those pizza places

always like hot dog or hamburger places

where they just fry up garbage.

Right. Well, I'm guessing

it's got to be a lot of pizza puffs for that or

they're just different and bigger.

It looks like an egg roll.

I think it's the Calzone, probably that place.

Like being at the pizza store.

They just call it a puff.

But they have calzones and strombolis on there too.

I thought the same thing, but I looked into this, Matt.

Come on, man.

I feel you, man.

You got to work with me here.

Come on.

Welcome.

This service is provided by FreeConsult.

Call them and ask what the hell a pizza is.

I want to close this lady with the clients.

Please announce yourself.

Are you not going to call her back?

I tried to call her and it went through voicemail.

Oh, I can write a comment.

Oh, she allows comments on here.

Hello.

Hey, good evening, everyone.

Hi.

Can you hear me?

I'm sorry.

Should I be muted?

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, no.

So I apologize for not giving.

Oh, okay.

Muted.

Star six is the mute.

Okay, I muted everyone.

And this is the moderator.

I apologize for coming in late.

I was signing in and I couldn't get in to the right.

Your phone number.

So dear.

But let's get started.

Hold on one second.

And it looks like I have an old script as well.

So that doesn't help.

So unmuted.

um whoever keeps talking you well i muted the line so um okay muted okay so i muted everyone

and um we're gonna get started yeah the host has muted the conference oh this line cannot be

unmuted stay on i'm gonna pop uh unmute themselves a lot okay call her cell phone

she might unmute it she might what are these conferences about overeaters and if you um

It's 116.

Oh, that's the right one.

Okay.

And if you need to send me a message, it sounds like there's some activity on the line.

My phone number is okay.

So let's take a moment of silence to meditate and invite God into our meeting,

and then we're going to follow that with the serenity prayer.

Oh, this is going to take forever.

The host has muted the conference.

This line cannot be unmuted.

The courage to change the things I can.

I'm going to just have to come back or something.

I don't know.

Hey, I commented.

I want some stinky clams on that video.

And then Billy Lucas says, yeah, Matt needs to be blocked.

They're like, they're making a big stink about me.

Block this guy, please.

They're like, they're freaking out.

They think you're the guy.

I know.

They're like, it's so funny.

Who's this guy, Billy Lucas, some guy in here?

Oh, my God.

He's a bitch.

Yeah, right.

Are there any more over-eaters, or I'm going to go?

Were there any more you said at 7.30, or was it just one?

Yeah, there's more.

Yeah, give me another one.

We'll do one more real quick.

Don't be.

I got banned from the chat.

Oh.

Can you watch this, though?

Uh, yeah.

Are you going to fuck with it?

Well, Demi, she won't pick up.

She's going to straight the voicemail.

I tried her again earlier.

All right, we got another.

We got the over-ears.

Let's do it.

Last one.

Last one right here.

Last one, last one.

Welcome.

Welcome. This service is provided by

Free Conference Call. Access code

or phone number you have dialed is

incorrect. Please check

your credentials. Access code

or phone number you have dialed is

incorrect.

Alright, hang on. It looked formatted

a little funny.

It's going to be in Spanish.

One, two, three.

Most definitely.

Welcome. This service is provided by

Free Conference Call.

Access code or phone number you have dialed

is incorrect please check your credentials and try again access code or phone number you have

dialed is incorrect please check your credentials maybe something's messed up on my end too you know

and uh there's no sex anonymous until midnight oh of course of course that makes sense that's

when the sex scene happens that's the witching hour yeah that's when it was controlled welcome

Call the first one again and see if they took it off their phone.

Muted.

Purpose.

That is a message to a compulsive eater who still suffers.

This is our primary spiritual lesson.

Our job as a group, unmuted, is to learn about and work the steps.

It's been our experience that working the steps consistently provides us with a better

standard of life, and we consider all else to be an outside issue.

And this includes personal problems.

The proper duty for sharing such problems is with a sponsor.

This is, after all, where real recovery takes place, working the steps with a sponsor.

Okay.

Okay, so what we're going to do for the first few minutes here,

we're going to go through the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous,

and we're going to qualify it.

And so what we're going to do, so if you don't have a big book

and you want to follow along, what you can do is you can go to aa.org

and you can download it.

I think someone's unmuted, so you're being real funny.

Muted.

Okay, so I muted the line,

And whether it's someone by accident or intentional, what's going to happen is I'm going to unmute the line again.

And if we disturb this again, I'm going to lock the line.

So, sorry, the line's going to be locked and all that's going to be heard is my voice.

So, we're going to try this one more time.

And if we do this again, the line's going to be locked.

And it's real simple.

And it'll be very boring.

You can't hassle this meeting.

So, unmuted.

Muted

Unmuted

We don't give a shit, bitch

Muted

Okay

Someone already beat us to it

Lock the line for a few minutes

A few minutes

Then what will happen is at halftime here

We will

I cut her off

You guys ever see Little Britain, Fat Fighters?

I've seen some Little Britain

I don't know if I've seen that one

we could watch it

on TC or something later

I'm going to go

I want to thank everyone who joined me tonight

I don't think I can

broadcast on my own though

but I'll hang around

hey it was nice having you on

it's been a long time

people say thanks to

who was on, Dark Stranger, Matt

Dwight was on

did I miss someone?

I think I'm missing someone, right?

Evil already?

Evil already was on, that's right.

I said Dark Stranger already, so...

Yeah, fuck it.

Okay, well, thanks for being on there, gentlemen.

Peace out, everybody.

Thanks for listening.

I'll hang around if anybody wants to hear what I mean.

End word.

Calls (35, 1 h of 2 h 16 min)

Transcript

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