Madhouse Radio New Years Day Special

I'm not playing no fucking games, dude.

I, I, fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making a stupid call.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all night long.

You're not perfect.

Why don't you piss off?

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day. Carlito commands it. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the event of the evening. Those in

attendance and fans watching around live. Busy number. Happy New Year. United States,

Happy New Year. Except for Hawaii, Alaska, the freak states. All right, just a moment,

I'm sorry. Sometimes these numbers can be tricky. You're choosing the center. This is

This is Lindsay. How may I assist you?

Hi, Lindsay. How are you doing?

I'm wondering over here if we could go ahead and, what's your fireworks policy?

Because it's New Year's, we wanted to set off a couple pot fireworks.

Yeah, definitely no fireworks allowed on property.

Is there anywhere outside, maybe, you could recommend we could build off some fireworks?

There are non-flying kind of fireworks or just flares, you know?

No, just anywhere. Most of it's public and private.

right most of its public and private okay that doesn't answer my question though like where

like can we go ahead and do it in your part in the parking lot here far from the car as far

thank you for calling this is herschel how can i help you hey hi shul uh yes sir i was calling i

was speaking with mona or whatever her name was the woman uh regarding um the fireworks policy

i know of course you know really shouldn't be doing it on property but does that include the

the parking lot like way out there maybe there's no car machines or anything like that oh yeah most

definitely i there's no fireworks allowed like so you consider like even out in the parking lot

any anywhere is uh within the city limits oh really it's like yeah uh what about in the room

though like yeah definitely not in the room uh well we were thinking like we could just put it

in the bathroom you know yeah that's probably not going to be a good idea um all right i mean

i will pay i'll pay a deposit you know like whatever it costs i can take care of totally

yeah no you you definitely don't want to do that uh all right can you set up books uh some matches

or something oh sure sure what's your room number oh motherfuckers hey how you doing hey

hey tits hey pervert how are you good yeah all right good that's a fucking echo on this end

them oh yeah really yeah hang on let me uh let me hang up and call you back come on man uh no it's

gone now everyone oh all right cool uh what what had happened is there were some bitches at a

waffle house and i was in the middle of trying to get them on the phone on facebook live

yeah and um fucking bitch worker wouldn't do it really yeah and i it was awesome because i hit it

in the first shot because i was sitting there i was watching security having a problem the security

at the Waffle House.

Security?

Like there was

a fight going on?

He's literally

a big black dude

had a jacket on

that says security.

Damn.

But he was there security

or was this on break?

No, he's Waffle House's security.

Damn.

And I'm like,

oh, I was like,

you guys busy?

And they're like,

yeah, yeah.

And I was like,

oh, they're not giving

a security guy

a hard time, are they?

And they're like,

oh, yeah, one guy is

but he just went outside

so I knew I had the right place.

Oh, fuck that.

And I'm like,

oh, I need to talk

to so-and-so

and they're like,

we're busy.

gets you fucking hung up right right good evening thanks how you doing how you doing brother i'm

good how about you happy fourth of july yeah happy new year yeah i can help you uh what's

the policy here for us with the fireworks what's the we can't have any fireworks all right but um

i'm outside like we came down from the room and we bought some there's this guy named lysol he

says his name was lysol i guess he hangs out around here he had a box of fireworks he sold them to us

So do you guys got matches that we can use?

We don't have matches, and you guys can't do fireworks around here.

Well, just in the parking lot, you know, it'd be safe.

They're not the kind that fly out.

You can't do any fireworks.

Come on, man.

You have to go away from the hotel.

Well, how far do we got to go?

You got to go far.

You can't be near the hotel.

No, we don't allow fireworks on our property.

Hey, ask them if we can do sparklers in the room.

Sparklers?

Plus, we're here in public, so the police will actually come.

Just sparklers, you know?

No, I can't do anything.

No sparklers, either.

Well, I think just one of them would be all right.

Dwight, light that one.

Light that one.

Watch.

Light this one.

I think this one's...

Hey, I'm trying.

I got this.

You can't light any of the...

I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it.

All right, great.

Sir?

Uh-oh.

I can see you guys are lighting up.

All right, that's awesome.

Oh, shit.

What the fuck?

Those went higher than I thought.

So the fire...

Oh, he's gone.

I don't know how to stop that immediately.

There we go.

Did you hear me?

He's like, I had you let him wait.

Yeah, I had you let him...

We're set in security.

Yeah, dude, buddy, that's great.

That's perfect.

He's like, great, bye fucking night.

Heisenberg says do fireworks on the roof

since they don't own the airspace.

Good evening, thanks for calling Holiday Inn Express

in Sweetstown, Tacoma.

This is Mitch.

How do you turn off the fire machine?

The fire alarm?

What floor are you on?

To reset it.

What floor are you on?

Well, what do I do just to reset it?

What would I have to do?

What floor are you on, sir?

Oh, well, I'm on the ground floor, but I'm not in the hotel right now.

Where are you?

I'm in the garage.

What floor in the garage are you?

In my garage, my house.

I haven't left it.

Then why are you calling me?

Well, because I don't know how to turn it off.

This is a hotel.

We don't...

Well, you guys have the same alarm.

I stole it from a hotel just like yours.

then why don't you call the fire department have a good night well they don't they told me i had

to call you i like how he's like uh i like how when he picks up again here he's thinking

motherfuckers weren't outside they were inside the fucking room my night just got even better now

from you were outside gonna set the fireworks off here's the thing going on what floor are you

what floor are you on he was a little panicky i got a little worried he should have been like i'm

line on richie bitch i'm walking the ceiling our dance on the ceiling i'm watching uh they're

showing the uh was it the space needle in seattle yeah yeah uh they're showing it fucking lighting

up a bunch of fireworks off of that motherfucking right now it is they're they're putting on a

fucking show i was trying to call mcdonald's close to it and i wasn't gonna have the fireworks is it

is that live or was that just earlier uh it had to be within the last half hour they can't still

I don't know, but it's bigger than what they did in fucking Times Square.

I mean, they got fireworks going up the damn tower, blowing off sideways, going off the top of that son of a bitch.

They go bonobo.

I mean, they've literally been, for the last minute, just nonstop fireworks off the fucking space station.

That's awesome.

It's very phallic looking, right?

You know what a phallus is?

Yeah, it looks like my penis.

Oh, well, how'd you know that word?

um yeah i i've learned i'm learning to do that i'm sorry man i'm just kidding

i didn't go to college for one year

i found what i found extremely funny is i found one of those uh take this test i bet we can guess

you're uh the last you know the highest grade you completed i'm like yeah all right i'll take

it so i'm sitting there answering the questions i'm going to get to the end it's like you've

either completed a four-year degree or very close to completing i'm like not even close

i was like i fucking did one year of college you son of a bitch yeah hey how you doing happy fourth

of july happy four what can i do for you oh hey uh what's the um the policy for fireworks here

uh we do not allow fireworks on our property at all yeah but you know we're just we're here

here outside right now we figured it'd be all right a little bit here right here where we're at

i don't know where here is oh we're here like

we have the right away out here you know we have the right away and they're driving like maniacs

out here i do what now i'm not sure what you're talking about oh i'm just saying the people here

are real disrespectful when they're driving around when there's people walking and people

pull out in the parking lot of the hotel you know i'm sorry about that yeah anyway so do you have

matches that we can run and get real quick for this or no we don't we don't allow fireworks on

property and lighting them off and get you kicked out way far away though you know if you're gonna

light them off you have to go at least to the sidewalk

i'm right by my car if your car is on property then you can't be you can't be lighting off

off any of your own properties.

Tell him we're sovereign

citizens. He can't tell us what to do.

I didn't hear what you said.

Dwight, man, you can't talk like that.

He can hear you. I got you on speakerphone, man.

We're sovereign citizens. You can't

tell us what to do with our car.

Alright, so hang on. I got a letter right here.

So hang on.

This is the sovereign citizens

brigade right here, motherfucker.

Probably when I called him a motherfucker.

Hello?

How do you turn off the fire alarm?

fire alarm yeah uh you can't turn it off only the fire department can but there's a code right

that i go i just put in are you here at the quality end well i mean i've just i have this

fire alarm was going off i don't know how i would turn it off if it was going off you know

hey cross hey cross try up up down down left right left right b a so p a start

Hello?

Hey, what's up?

For you, or just calling the call?

Well, because we just really would like to know how to turn off the fire alarm.

You can't turn off the fire alarm.

Are you here on property?

Because I'm not even sure if you're even here, because I didn't even hear a fire alarm go off.

I mean, I don't know why you'd think you'd hear it.

I don't know.

We hit it with a...

It's kind of going off over the phone.

Oh, okay.

We just used a baseball bat.

It's fine.

I don't think you're even here on property.

No, I'm inside my house.

Am I at my house?

Hello?

I'm gonna end up hanging up now, cause it doesn't seem like you're needing anything

you're doing.

Hey, I'm in my house, alright?

Good.

Hey, how you doing?

Yeah, I'm good.

Hey, uh, how do you shut off the fire alarm?

Uh, just in the room I'm standing, in general, just so, you know, that we could make sure

that it didn't interrupt anybody, you know?

Well, I mean, that's, I mean, that's the number I'm calling is the one that's on the,

you know...

On what?

Dayzen 5?

Yeah, that's here.

and you guys

no no no

not yet

we haven't done anything

we're just thinking like

if we wanted it not to go off

like how

what would be the best thing to do

alright um

oh yeah yeah

there's nothing

alright just a second

yeah alright

are you about done

yeah I could tell

yeah

alright so um

and your question was

like if we don't want the fire alarm to go off

how would be the best way to

make sure that it didn't interrupt

you know

anything

cool

I just you know

I don't really feel

at all that much comfortable

really

no but

What? Well, I mean, either the alarm can go off or it can go on. I don't know, you know?

It's going to go off regardless if you guys are smoking in the room.

And then it will downstairs. The light for you guys' room will pop on.

But there's just like a deposit we've got to pay, right?

Yes.

That's a lot of money.

It doesn't really do that much. Come on, why don't you come up here, you know?

What room?

I mean, you have to make a gentleman's agreement. You're going to come up here first, you know, and be with us.

yeah understandable i just don't know what room you're in yeah but you know you know you partake

you know and uh you know i've got we've got three ladies here you know that's understandable all

right don't worry like i said i'm a good guy yeah well i'm just really afraid you're trying to

mess around no no no you're good trust me you're getting in shit no that's all right i'm gonna

just like look it up or i think we're just gonna like pull take it down right yeah i mean because

i got a job and stuff you know i gotta protect understandable that i would it be best if we

just don't is that what you're trying to say i mean no i mean oh yeah sure i'll just put

everything on hold for you yeah okay all right all right bye waiting on dropbox to open on this

computer so i can open up dropbox open wine and take the load we'll get there

the guy's like yeah i'm cool you know i'm a pretty cool guy but you gotta tell me i'm

like he actually went to river to smoke weed he's like you know i don't care man i'm cool

i'm glad that it shows us i'm cool

yeah is that 107 yeah well this is the front desk this is cross okay we're getting a complaint that

you folks are in there uh maybe lighting off some fireworks we have some noise complaints

okay have you heard fireworks because listen uh we don't want any fucking trouble all right

Right? Like, it's New Year's. We don't want any

fucking trouble. So don't be going off

uh, you know, starting trouble here, alright?

Because I'll get you kicked out on your ass.

You understand? Huh?

Cross. I'm the manager. I'm the night manager

over here. And I don't want

any trouble and I don't want any trouble.

Fire at all. Sorry for the trouble

but it's not us. Alright, well

I mean, the computer here

says it's coming from your room.

God damn it. We don't have

no fireworks. God damn motherfucking

fireworks, motherfucker, you.

you bringing those fucking fireworks in this motherfucker i don't have fucking time for that

shit motherfucker you you're in the fucking stand you got the wrong number don't let off any more

motherfucking fireworks in this motherfucker you have the wrong number i don't know who you right

right right right right thank you for calling please hold while i try can i do one yeah this

is 104 okay they're low as fuck though man hello how you doing is this room 104

for how you doing this is brent from the front desk i'm calling regarding a disturbance that

has been reported uh regarding your room i'm sorry can you speak up just a little bit

i said how can disturbing come to my room so i was asleep well we got a report from one of your

neighbors they said there was some loud banging and what sounded like power tools being used in

your room okay uh but this isn't the first incident we've had tonight uh i understand that

it's possible that the noise is not coming from your room uh but we do have to let you know that

you're not allowed to rent any more uh pay-per-view movies and have them billed to your room uh

you're allowed uh three during one stay you've exceeded 15 no no you're allowed three pay-per-view

purchases uh during one stay in your room and you've purchased 15 uh so we can't allow you to

purchase any more pay-per-views for your room i haven't i never ordered that now that's my room

yeah well i have a list here currently of 15 pay-per-views uh the first one is cream street

three back in action uh do you recall ordering such a uh such a movie no i remember no movies

Yeah, it's an adult film.

There was, let's see here, Lawrence of Alabia.

I'm sorry, who is that being aggressive in the background?

It's nobody being aggressive in the background.

It's my lady friend.

She's trying to say reason why.

I don't know why y'all first time called me and tell me I'm an artist up on TV.

Yes.

The third film

Big Black Pussy Pumpers

Is this one that you partake in?

When?

It was rented at

10.35pm

Yesterday

Can we talk about this tomorrow morning?

I'll come to the office

Well, there's nothing to really speak about

I mean, all the charges are valid

And you'll be charged for them

They are $9.99 each

And there was 15 purchases

The other titles were

Or Bitanic, Latina Cream Pie Holocaust, Dachu Double Penetration,

Buchenwald Bukkake, and Tugboat.

And let's see here, Frozen.

That seems quite odd.

But there's quite a few others.

Boy Beats Boy.

I mean, no judgment, sir.

But I'm just saying you're not allowed to purchase any more until the bill is brought current.

one of the more profane ones is uh fuck the movie uh foot job fanatics well i'll talk to you i'll

come to the office the protocols of the learned elders of zion and oh god damn

uh here's a fun fun play thank you hello yeah hi this is the front manager yeah i understand uh

This is room four.

You had a conversation with Dwight.

We're in the charges that are looking like they're appearing on your account, on your room.

What account?

Your account that you have, your tab that you have with us.

About what?

What do we have on our account?

Pornographic television movies.

What kind of television movies?

Fuck the movie, it's called.

Sex, big letters, sex, the movie, it says.

Okay, with all due respect, like...

Like, I've never ordered any of your movies.

Michael doesn't order any movies.

He doesn't have no credit card to order any movies.

Well, Michael needs to pay for this shit.

He put it on the room, and he needs to pay for this shit.

Well, it's just disrespectful that you guys have to call in here

and say and ask if there's a prostitute in here when I'm in here.

It's super disrespectful.

That's like me calling in there and asking if there's a prostitute in your room.

Well, we have a report of Haitian prostitutes from the West Indies and stuff in the area.

I know that, but ever since I've been here, there's no prostitute in this room.

And it would be a little disrespectful if you guys call and try to know there's a lady in here.

That would be very disrespectful for me to call over there and be like,

Hey, Michael, is there any prostitute in your room? Like, come on out.

Okay, well, we wouldn't know if he was in danger if there was a prostitute

maybe holding him you know at knife point no that's not a nice little prostitute and i don't

know about the movie because well does he i don't know the is he he watched me even maybe he watched

the pornography maybe he you know masturbated maybe you know and watched him pornography well

i don't know what's going on when i'm at work but when i'm here like i've never ordered a movie i've

never seen him order a movie well ask him did he did he masturbated because it's in the day

that it happened well i don't know he's coming to the office because when i'm here i never see that

and when i'm gone for work i don't know what's going on yeah but ask him now he's there in the

room he's all angry i know he's coming over there with you guys because i'm trying to go to sleep

oh right now calling and asking yeah he's heading over there okay well listen you need to keep it

down all right because you're the woman and he's the man so we'll take care of it from here the

woman doesn't need to you know be trying to interject it's the man's business you know the

husband's business to take care of it you know okay okay so you yeah you you shut up okay um

excuse you like this is going to probably involve police because you're not going to call me and

tell me to shut up no you shut up you shut up and you shut up to you and why you shut up if you

fucking drunk but shut the fucking ass up because i will call the police on you right now because

for what for saying shut up for you to call me to let me call the police on you

uh-oh

that's not good

shut up

I had to

simple it down

it had to be

fuck the movie

and sex

really big bold

letter sex

because

that's gonna be

like well

pussy pumpers

what

it worked

I just put the

image of fucking

and sex it

and she's like

wait a minute

she's straight up like i don't know what my husband does when i'm at work maybe he's jerking

off but this ain't the time to be calling about this shit i take his privileges you didn't get

the jerk out unless i'm in the room she said he was on the way but i almost thought i heard him

there for a second in the background towards the end when i said shut up but what's he gonna do

You said shut up.

Let me just say I'm sorry.

Hello, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that, you know, I was upset and that I said that.

I'm sorry.

Where are you coming from?

Hmm?

Where are you calling from?

If you call this number again, prank calling my customers, I will call the police.

No, no.

Do not call here again.

Please, no.

Please don't, motherfucker.

Don't call here again.

I'm in my house.

that's what i said i was gonna do

are you calling my customers it's so funny to me i'm in my house i'm in my house

False's call back.

They took their phone off of service because they probably fed two people's show party.

I did not rent

big black pussy poppers.

Oh my god.

All I had to do

was say shut up.

Shut up.

Shut your mouth.

But because they're hiding, they get another room

before they went on lockdown.

Fuck the movie.

If you know your party's room number,

you may dial it at any time.

For example,

to reach room 1,

dial 1-

Did I dial the same fucking place?

From 20, dial 1 to 0.

No, it's a different place.

For you to reach our front desk, please dial 0.

Well, we'll find out.

If not, we're going to get the cops called, I guess.

Hey, how you doing there, buddy?

Listen, I'm just walking back.

You guys got rooms available?

I have nothing available.

You got some or none?

I have nothing available.

Oh, okay, because I ran into a friend and he wanted a room

and I told him he couldn't stay with me.

but uh but listen these fucking cars are quick out here uh what the what is what is the property

the fireworks problem he can go yeah he's a dickhead i'm sitting there saying these

fucking cars go by fast they don't respect anything around here if you know your party's

room number you may dial it and i ran out of cell service listen so what's the firework policy here

it's the new year and stuff

and I got some fireworks that I got out of the state

I have nothing available, okay?

don't call me again

no, I have a room, I stay there

what is he not getting about that?

alright, let's just call one of his people

because he's a dick motherfucker

actually, call him back so I call him a fucking motherfucker

thank you for calling

I don't know what the heck

did you hit buttons?

no, I didn't hit nothing

George says it sounds like a homosexual hotel

Welcome to Home Hotel

I wanna let you know

You're a cocksucker

And a motherfucker

You know that

Oh fuck you asshole

Get the fuck out

Fuck you

You see this

I'm just gonna start

Kicking cars

And then I just

Call them back

And I'll do it

Yeah but you got

You got something

To kick over there

Like or

No I can't make

A whole hell of a lot

Of noise and

I'll just make this

Sound like

I gotta find something

To make a card

Being kicked

Kind of sound

If I could find

on the can i don't have a can on me he's picking up and hanging him now damn it i really wanted

to do that all right let's just call another hotel and save from the beginning that we're

gonna just say that you're kicking you're walking back and you're gonna start kicking cars

you would be real pissed if you said i'm kicking cars so you can't find your car and just say

you're gonna start kicking the shit out of cars and it's just go on i'll go oh yeah i know i got

This is another one just like that.

Oh, God.

They hired the same fucking guy to do it.

108.

Whoops.

I can give you Zion.

Zion's a real nice one.

Hello?

Yeah, is that roommate?

This is roommate.

Can I help you?

Yeah, how you doing?

I'm the old crotchety fuck at the front desk.

How are you?

I'm doing okay.

All right, fantastic.

Listen, have you taken a look just over the headboard to the left side of the bed in the last hour?

In what area?

Just to the left of the headboard where your bed is.

My bed's in one room, then there's one in the living room area.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, listen, I had previously, before you had actually stayed here, I had drilled a hole.

hole probably about three inches in circumference and at night i like to slide my penis through this

hole into the other room to see what type of action i can get can you go look and see if the

hole has made it all the way through let me tell you something guy you are freaking weird well

there's no debating that sir but i still need to have my work done you can go work somewhere else

Sir, I'm not asking you to touch the penis with your bare hands, but maybe a kiss on the tip.

I don't care what you say, asshole.

Just give it a kiss on the tip and let me know it's through.

Let me tell you one freaking thing.

You call this room again, I'm taking it up with the manager.

I am the manager.

No, I know the manager personally.

Like sexually?

What's his name?

Well, my name is Hank and I'm the manager.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

I know the manager.

His name is James.

No, no, no.

James is a day shift manager.

I am the night manager, hence the manager of the entire establishment.

Well, I'm going to take this up with James in the morning.

Okay, well, James answers to me.

I don't answer to James.

You're going to answer to Mary then.

No, I don't answer to Mary either.

I know her personally too.

Mary's a woman.

Yes, and I know her very, very well.

Sir, if you keep this up, I'm going to come in and I'm going to take a shit in your toilet and I'm not going to flush.

You come in this room, I'm filing a complaint against you and the establishment.

So you say you know Mary very well?

Are you fucking Mary?

Yes, I do.

You're fucking her.

I am not fucking her.

She is the owner of this property.

No, Mary's not the owner.

Yes, she is.

And her husband's name is Patrick.

That's incorrect.

She lost it to the IRS, and I purchased it.

Mary's the head madam of the brothel.

The brothel part of the business.

He was so pissed he was hitting extra buttons on the way down.

All right, now let's try the old guy again.

James, I don't like the way you treat me.

I'm going to start kicking fucking cars until I find yours.

Duh.

Listen, James is too quick on the trigger.

Oops, wrong one.

All right, I have a different one here.

Let's go.

Let's do it.

Okay, look at this conversation, IRC.

Dust Burned Dead just says, let me nut in you, George.

George says, okay.

And then Dust Burned Dead calls him gay.

Hey, if you're on the bell, f*** on the bell.

It's Brian speaking.

How may I help you?

Hey, how you doing?

Listen, I'm staying with you guys.

I'm trying to find my car, but there's too many cars that look like mine.

And I'm going to just start kicking f***ing cars until I find mine.

I was just not doing that, sir.

Well, why not?

Because those are other people's property.

Yeah, but it's the new year, and I've been drinking, and this girl I like, she told me

she don't like me, and I left the bar alone.

alone and i need to find my car i'm just gonna hang on i'm gonna kick this one this one looks

like my hang on there are you in the parking lot um hang on hang on i'm gonna do this

i didn't kick it hard enough hang on i'll find my next one mine's got i thought i had dice or

something that's a van that's a van sir i need help sir there he goes yeah the problem is this

this it's believable for like a second and then i don't know if i gotta get this i think it would

be really really good with the uh the fireworks you know you let the fireworks off and then the

fucking car alarms are going off yeah yeah yeah and uh okay all right we'll do the vibration

shit all right we'll do the whole production then this one's in the downtown i don't think

we should do it there i don't think that's gonna be believable fucking bad night chooses get ran

ran over Dwight

he said

yeah

cause they wouldn't

call the fucking

911 to have

someone come out

and find me

yeah

not at all

okay

even though that

place is probably

looking for the

asshole kicking

the Dodge Neons

out in the parking lot

he said he would

kick the Dodge Neons

I'm like

hi Dodge Neons

are high

alright

we're gonna do

fireworks

I'll start off

with the fireworks

policy

alright

we'll bring this

up with James

on the water

Good evening, thank you for calling. This is Mitch. How can I help you today?

Hey, Mitch. How you doing, man?

Good. How can I help you, sir?

What's the policy on fireworks?

Would you call me, please? You're wasting my time.

Oh, did I call you earlier? Oh.

I didn't even know I called him earlier. I did call him earlier. Oops.

All right, well, we can't talk to him.

Let me find the other hotels in this town that we haven't called yet.

How can I help you?

Hey, I was wondering, what's the fireworks policy here?

Oh, here at the hotel?

tell yeah the fireworks policy we uh we're walking back and we saw this uh brother named lysol he was

he had a what he had a box of fireworks he sold it to us for 20 bucks oh no you're not you're

not allowed to light it here well i'm not gonna do it inside though i'm outside here where the car

my car's at yeah i believe you're not allowed to fight and that's like washington i'm not too

too familiar with washington the law but i know that you're not supposed you're not allowed to do

it in like a residential area like this area it has to be like um not i'm not quite sure i just

know it's not allowed here do you have matches i do not i think i might have a light hang on here

we go you need a match yeah yeah just i uh she said it's cool over here by my car so just put

Put it right by my car.

No, I got box matches from the apartment.

Hello?

Yeah, we just got some sparklers.

That's all we got.

All right, go ahead.

Oh, sparklers?

That should be fine.

Oh, yeah, but they go boom like that, you know?

Oh, no.

You're not allowed to do it out there.

She said it's fine.

Where are you?

She said it's fine.

Where are you?

Yeah, I'm lighting.

I'm lighting.

Yeah.

Shit.

Can you find out who has this car and have them come down here and turn off the alarm?

She's not interested.

more i'm sitting there trying to act like i'm lighting matches i'm doing this number

oh yeah trying to make it sound i got her on the she said it's okay like no no

oh she's like oh sparklers oh that's okay

this is oh jesus my ears probably when you said everything else you gotta hold your ears for this

one that's special this is justice how can i help you hey justice how you doing justice rules

Justice rules this world, am I right?

Yes.

Hey, so what's the firework policy here?

I believe we cannot set any fireworks off at this.

Yeah, but we'll go back by the cars and shit.

It's all right, right?

No, that's not.

I mean, then why would the guy sell them to me here on his way out?

Guys are selling to you on the property?

Yeah.

Yeah, so it's a few of the people that are here.

Yeah, they can't do that.

You don't know Lysol?

what about sparklers just the sparklers hello yeah what about the sparklers

i don't think so just because you're not supposed to be out can you speak up i'm outside i can't

hear you with the traffic hello hello yeah can you speak up a little bit yes no no fireworks i

think i made that very clear what do you say yes or no what do you say he said no fireworks but

the sparklers are cool no i didn't he said no fire him up do you guys have matches we do not

play matches all right use the dwight use your uh use your lighter all right here we go cheap

dick sir hello yeah how do you um turn this off oh my fuck holy shit god damn car do you know who

has this car out here i have no idea shit i mean it is fucked up holy shit it is fucked up

That's what they get for driving a Kia, I guess.

What a piece of shit that was.

These things, the alarm eventually goes off, right?

Hey, you there?

Hello?

Hey, stop talking.

I think you maybe ran outside.

It goes off.

Yeah, this end, it goes all silent when you actually light everything off.

You can't hear a shit.

Justice, how can I help you?

What happened, Justice?

I lost you.

No, I had to switch calls.

Sorry about that.

Oh, for real?

All right, well, the car stopped alarming, at least.

Yeah, are you guys on the property currently?

We're on a property.

We're at the inn.

Hello?

Yes, sir.

How can I help you?

Yeah, so I guess that's all.

We were calling to ask about your fireworks policy, but...

Oh, yeah, we can't.

We can't do any of that fireworks.

Yeah, well, we're ready to let them off, so...

Can I get your room number, please?

Huh?

Can I get your room number, please?

I'd rather not, just because the way you're acting right now.

You need my room number?

Yes.

I'm in my bathroom, my toilet right now.

Why is he acting like that?

This is out of hand.

A little time.

It's getting re-goddamnediculous.

Jesus.

Hello, and thank you for calling.

Front desk or reservations, please dial zero.

I'll transfer you now.

I hope that's not central.

Hey, hey, listen, I'm walking back to the room.

It's the 4th of July.

No, it's New Year's.

I'm on my way, and this guy outside the bar, he sold me a box of fireworks.

and i want to know what your guys fireworks policy is well we um you can't let you can well

you can do whatever you want in the barbershop parking lot oh it's not a barbershop it's a bar

no no no no in the barbershop parking lot that's on our park that's right next to us

yeah yeah that's there but you can do whatever you want in that parking lot

yeah but i'm over by i'm almost by where all the cars are okay like the parking lot yeah okay well

you can do it there too in the parking lot where the for the hotel no well okay when you look at

the hotel you'll see the barber shop yeah that's like basically our parking lot but it's not it's

there is it a black barber shop no uh because i just put i just put it down the box because

it was a little heavy over in the parking lot of the hotel and okay and this guy hey

Hey, this guy's smoking by my box.

Hey, hang on.

Pull your cigarette out.

The fireworks, you're going to end up setting stuff off.

What are you talking about, man?

No, you can't smoke by my firework.

Hang on, man.

I'm like, it's this guy.

Where are you at?

I'm in the park.

You see, the ashes get on me or anything.

I said, I'm out.

Pull your cigarette out.

Motherfucking bullshit.

You fucking bullshit.

I paid $25.

Hello?

Yeah, this guy set them off.

Okay, well, I don't think you're in our parking lot.

Yeah, I am.

It's not my fault.

It's him.

No, you're not in our parking lot.

Yeah, I am.

It's him, not me, though.

The car's on fire.

There's a Kia on fire.

There's a Kia on fire?

That's a Kia.

You should be driving a Kia.

That's what he did.

Is that your son, right?

I'm what?

I'm in the parking lot.

Okay, I'm coming out.

Hurry up.

Hurry.

I can't hear when the fireworks

go off right away.

So people were like, that was a delayed response.

I'm like, I can't hear them when they first go off.

Yeah, yeah.

Sloth is like,

it's a piece of shit, piece of shit

key on fire.

Now guess

89 is saying, come out, bitch.

Come out, bitch.

Oh, man.

I just about spit my beer

all over the fucking screen.

That was a good reaction. She's like, fuck the

a barbershop that doesn't have beef with them they're koreans she said they were not they're

not black yeah maybe it was a barbershop that closed down like yeah you can do whatever the

fuck you want over there i don't know she said they're koreans she didn't say they were korean

they are korean so i'm guessing they're still there it's like they got beef with them it's

like you know what the fuck you want over there i don't give a shit shoot up that hair on they're

always loud and fucking stink look they got that smell that's what she just says probably about

you're over there always cooking fish and rice that's bullshit if you want somewhere to play

dominoes with your crew and get really fucking rowdy just go over to barbershop parking lot

oh what's up uh i didn't know i forgot you were here what's up i was able to sneak him in when i

i got disconnected from you oh wow hey bob vance what's up man hey good to hear from you carlito

uh what are we doing you want to call her back yeah uh let's kind of come up with some excuse

so just be in your house and i'll play this shit all right all right and thank you for calling

if you know the guest room number dial it now for the front desk or reservation

please dial zero you're gonna like this i'll transfer you now jesus yeah listen i i just

realize what i'm playing grand theft auto 5 on my xbox and i was yelling at the tv

and i had to upload and you probably thought it was fireworks outside i'm in my house okay

sauce is threatened to kill her yeah it's a little bit yeah i saw that i was like jesus

till you get a key or a car you're a killer fucker in that order oh george george about

every other cause like threatened to rape her jesus christ george yeah does he get like that

on neon show does he threaten to rape women the dead will straight up do that do you ever get

him on your show i don't know every time i've had the dead on he just throws the n word around a lot

i don't know what's up with that and he's you ever noticed that like you're like oh yeah you

shouldn't do that on your shows and the only time i really did it was when uh we would call block

talk radio and it was just because they were being super racist and it would bring it out of me like

i'm like dude i gotta fight fire with fire with these motherfuckers like every show after that

there's none of it yeah i still love the the the fake madhouse oh my god

you made the real madhouse motherfucker

hey that hotel oh shit what was that hotel because they had uh the book i can just control

they have uh dial room let's try to get one away x says threaten to george them i'm a georgie

hello and thank you i'll transfer you now yeah do that honey baby

there probably is oh my god hello transfer you now it's either 101 or 107 you like it you like

how the man greets you and then you want to be transferred and the woman's like okay i'll

transfer you front desk hey how you doing hey hey what's going on nothing who's this oh this is

croft okay i was just laying here what you thinking about okay bye you know i got her

That's some creepy George shit right there

Hey

What you thinking about

Fucking guy

Fucking nasty pervert again

Hey what you thinking about

Let go

I got a roll full of quarter some lube

And a fucking half bottle of orange juice

What are you thinking about

Alright so what were the ones

Really early on

What is the orange juice for though

Try that extension

Yeah hi

This is the front desk

Um, we have an issue here with your room.

It's been built to several pornographic movies.

Been what?

You've, uh, had several pornographic movies built to your room.

Um, usually...

I haven't turned the TV on once.

Yeah, well, the computer says otherwise, and...

Okay, what does it say then?

Uh, well, it has you down for, looks like, it says big black pussy pumpers.

Oh my god.

Okay.

And that has, uh...

Okay, well, here's what I'm going to do.

It says, uh...

What does it cost, or whatever, what's it?

Fuck the movie.

and sex all bold letters oh my god okay well what is it what is it saying that the price is or

whatever is that crap uh one was a special for just 199 um sex the movie is a new release so

that's 22.99 it's an hd 3d and big black pussy pumpers is 12.99 okay um can i um when i come

down there to pay you that can i give you the remote back uh i don't use the remote what do

you mean do you want to give me the remote i mean i don't want the remote i mean i don't know how

that got on there so i'm just saying if i didn't turn the tv on once and if you're saying i got

that well you need to pay for this shit motherfucker and now all right so fucking

remote ain't gonna do shit it's gotta be paid god damn it okay all right you understand yes i do

yeah so take the remote and shove it up your asshole why don't you do that is this really

the front desk yes okay it is a front desk what front desk at a major establishment like where

um well due to hipaa compliance we can't really say that this is crossing with the front desk

okay all right so you take that remote little honey sweetie honey baby and you put it right

up your asshole all right we don't want it sounds like devon it's devon like hey is it really yeah

Yeah, what's up?

What's your last name, then?

Oh, come on.

I've been drinking and jerking off a lot tonight.

I'm thinking about you.

What's your last name?

I don't want to tell you.

I don't like your attitude.

Okay.

All right.

I'm going to hang up now.

All right.

Bye, honey.

Happy New Year.

Bye.

Happy New Year.

Bye.

Love you.

Will you go out with me?

All

right i was really waiting when

she said a friend does query for you to go at my house and then oh damn it i forgot i was so

why did i forget that whole thing god damn it let's try to call her back she won't pick up

And then the porn names, I was like, oh, I see.

Dwight does the Amazonians.

I'll do it to the front desk, all right?

Excuse me.

Yeah, hey, can you help out with a problem that we're having in the bathroom?

You what?

We have a problem in the bathroom.

What's the problem in the bathroom?

We need something cleaned up.

I don't do any cleaning.

Well, no, it's clogged up and there's shit everywhere.

What room are you in?

Hey, you know what? I want you to get down here.

What room are you in?

Get the fuck down here and get your face in my ass.

Shit.

That counts, that counts, that counts.

Got him, got him, got him, got him, that counts, right?

Did he do what now? Did he really say do what now?

Do what now?

For guest room reservations, press 1.

For the sales and catering department, press 2.

For guest services or to reach an in-house guest...

Zero.

Press zero.

My name's Gabriel, how can I help you?

Yeah, hey.

Yes, sir.

I got a problem in the bathroom here.

Which one?

In my bathroom.

In the, in the, what's your room number?

It's clogged up everywhere, there's shit everywhere.

Which, which, what room are you in?

Uh, this one right here.

Okay, so, what do you want?

Are you, are you in a bathroom in the lobby?

Yeah.

Okay, so which, which, are you next to the, the one next to the bar or in the back hallway?

In the back hallway.

Back hallway.

Back hallway?

I'm gonna take a shit all over you.

Okay, I'll send somebody back there right now.

I'm gonna take a shit all over him.

I'm gonna shit all over him.

There's somebody in the...

Okay, I'll send somebody back there.

One second.

I'm gonna make you eat my shit.

So there's somebody in the restroom right now?

Like, do you want me to send security back or housekeeping?

I gotta take a...

I'm taking a shit.

I'm taking a shit right now.

Okay, so what do you want me to do?

Well, I want you to come back here.

Do you need, like, toilet paper or something?

Yeah, that's it.

There you go.

Bring that nice little tongue of yours, a nice warm tongue.

That's a good one for you right there.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

Hi.

What can I do for you?

I'm in the toilet.

Okay.

Yeah.

And is this a serious call?

Yeah, I need someone to come here.

For what?

For this.

For what?

Okay, all right.

it i want you should ask that guy if uh if you could take a shit on his chest i do that all the

time at facebook live now it's like after we get all you know in a heated arguments and they want

to argue and stuff and i'm like i was like listen i just ate some real fucking nasty taco bell my

stomach's riled up can i come over there and take a shit on your chest oh you nasty bitch

oh my god yeah they usually get pretty pissed off at that shit that and just like when you

You say they look good and shit like that.

Oh, I love doing that with the Lenny account.

Yeah, using the Lenny one and hitting on men with it.

You look sexy as fuck right now.

The one dude in the car with the three girls, he's like,

Motherfucker, man, you don't be speaking my name.

You don't be speaking on my name.

I had been cracking on everyone in that video besides him,

and he thought it was so funny until I got to him.

Yeah.

And he flipped out because the girl in the backseat,

I was like, that bitch, you need to feed that bitch, you know, because there was a big chunk out of the shoulder of his seat.

I was like, look at that fucking bitch.

She looked like a horse.

She'd been gnawing on his fucking seat and shit.

I was like, somebody give her a carrot.

And I was going with their pages because he had tagged all their names at the top of the post for the video.

Yeah, so I'm in there looking at all this shit.

I'm like, oh, where's someone searching like this at?

Good day, and thank you for calling.

For reservations, please press 1.

For all other inquiries, please press 0 and we'll be able to assist you.

Please hold.

Tiffany, how can I help you?

Hi, I'm trying to make it to the toilet.

You guys, the wheelchair accessible?

Yes, we are.

Okay.

I need help.

I got to make a poo-poo and I can't get on the toilet by myself.

Okay, well, what room are you in?

I'm not in my room.

I'm in the bathroom.

What bathroom?

The lobby bathroom.

you're in the lobby bathroom lobby okay i'll send security over there

i'm in the lobby bathroom there's a guy here and he has shit all over himself okay i'm sending

security over there yeah you need to like have a clothespin on your nose when you come in here oh

Oh, my God.

Okay, I'll send security.

Oh, my God.

He's going to put a clothespin up in that nose.

He's thinking about coming in this fucking bathroom.

He's trying to help out.

Fuck yeah, dude.

Prank all night, dude.

Yeah, let's do it.

24 hours.

Let's do it right now.

Let's make it happen.

I'm going to the gym tomorrow, and then I'm going to watch the Lions-Packers game on primetime.

You know what pissed me off like a motherfucker?

You know what?

I'm going to drink a whiskey.

You know what pissed me off like a motherfucker?

fucking watching uh the time square motherfucker thing everything purple purple and yellow purple

and yellow i don't know if you noticed it was the planet planet fitness yeah fucking planet

fitness hats for free everyone got a planet fitness hat planet fitness commercials the

fucking fireworks were purple and yellow motherfucker you know how much you think

those motherfuckers pay for that motherfucking shit i don't know what you mean the gym members

paid for shit they work on them goddamn lunk alarms of theirs no i need your giants to beat

Washington tomorrow as a

safety. Yeah, we've got news for you

though. They're probably not going to really... We're good.

You know, we're in. We've got a wild

card, right?

There's no way we can lose our wild card, right?

And we can't improve on it.

I believe so.

Basically, I mean, the winners

of the Lions and Packers will win the North

and then if Seattle

or... Who's the other team?

There's one other team. If they were to

lose, the winner of Green Bay

and Detroit would get the two seed.

Yeah.

But Detroit's definitely

in if Washington loses.

Regardless of how the game

turns out. I'll see what I can do. I'll talk to Cruz

and Odell and work something

out. Fucking Manning. Eli's a horse.

Horse face Manning. Eli's a fucking

horse. His fucking brain is

a horse. He's a fucking horse brain.

Fucking stubborn ass.

He has little

flashes of brilliance

like his older brother, but every

every fucking game he's like

every game sure enough usually

in the third fucking quarter or late

and then all of a sudden it's a race

I should have played the third quarter

now I gotta play my ass off in the

fourth quarter and not make any mistakes if

you're going to win

I did it again

seven out of their eight wins

were fourth quarter

comebacks

I did it again

the Lions are like

alright

we're behind again

we're going to have to start throwing the

fucking ball

7 out of your 8 were

4th quarter wins you're saying Detroit

yeah

7 out of 8 wins were

4th quarter comebacks

how many of the Giants lost in their 4th quarter

collapses

a lot of them

they've all been pretty much at the beginning of the season

they were following the same pattern as last season

listen we didn't do our

our madhouse fucking thing because of drama we you know we didn't do our madhouse fantasy football i

did one i'm in the finals man fucking finals week i told him hey dude next year come on do it week

14 don't leave the last week of the season because right now my starting lineup that gelled and got

me the sixth seed and now i'm in the finals after them what you did you did a just a different league

yeah well another another league that i i've done i didn't okay yeah i didn't we didn't do the

this is our first year and since 2008 i think since we haven't done it yeah i didn't launch

it in time i was launching you didn't launch it for the draft i was like fuck it i hate pcn and

when i felt bad and i started like getting a hold of aaron and this and then i realized llama was in

it and llama doesn't really chill with us anymore we can't outnumber a team so sorry

we need to get we need a small core no no no we need to listen we need a small core small team

all right the people that have always been with us or that have won before so the the two listener

cats the guys that are just listeners who joined up they can get it because they've been with us

since the beginning you me it's only easy to get more players yeah because when you get like 12

teams it's real yes that's too much yeah Aaron has won a championship once and he's he at least

plays you know what I mean Bobby Ritter and uh what's his face is uh uh Zyklon has always been

been pretty good at doing it too i actually signed up for a league and i shit you not i lost adrian

peterson does bryant and i think fucking cam newton got knocked the fuck out like in the week

i lost all those guys within the first two weeks and i was like you know what i fucking quit i'm

not fucking doing this anymore but i the funny thing was i was able to sneak uh tom brady at

like fucking like round eight and i'm like yeah he suspended four games as soon as fucking uh

his suspension's up cam newton's hitting the fucking bench you know what i did i stopped

paying attention to freaking their projected and position rank and stuff and i said you know what

i'm just gonna do a due to analysis on the two players myself and how i feel and i i halfway

through i was losing like little little scores like 20 30 15 here and there you know i mean no

No blowouts.

But then I'd have to then I'd have to use bench that got 30 points, 25 points that easily would have made up for that.

You know, I could have won.

So I said, you know, I fucked that projected shit.

I'm doing my own fucking thing.

They don't know shit.

I project this bullshit.

Every time we played, it was always like a one or two point fucking game.

Every time we had a tie, we had two ties.

Also, yeah, it was always like every every every season.

It was supposed to be a random draw.

Yeah.

Every week, week one, it was me and you.

yeah it was it was it was the kickoff classic of our fantasy football league it was a carlito

versus dwight yes every it was and every game went down to one point or a tie one year i beat

you and they took away points on tuesday after after the the referee calls were reviewed and

shit i'm like fuck i won it no yeah i used to sit here and like you know i'd have the uh the

screen up i'm watching the games like all right i need this motherfucker to get me like two catches

Look, right now, so this is my final game for the whole championship.

I've got Andrew Luck, my starters, Andrew Luck, Bilal Powell, Jay Ajayi from Miami,

and Dez Bryant, possibly, all of those cats, plus possibly Odell Beckham Jr.,

all of those who probably stand a good chance of not playing on this weekend.

again um as you know basically thanks to the fact that they don't have they're gonna get rested you

know what i mean for the playoffs probably gonna get rested yeah dac and fucking elliot yeah or

teams that just have nothing to win anyway they're just gonna let some of their scrubs out there and

say hey and you got to play in the game you know here you go this is your one one season you got

to play nfl you know hey i'll get you out there a little bit you know get the picture view

You can frame it up.

Romo's flapping his arm.

Look, I get to play.

I get to play.

Romo probably will get to play, right?

They'll probably sit Dak down.

Dak, yeah.

I was hoping they would sit fucking Dak last week.

Hey, Sloth is a big fan of football.

Dwight, you need to get with Sloth.

He can drink me under the table when it comes to NFL facts.

Way back, man.

He knows all those cats.

He's got a bunch of NFL player cards autographed,

autographed like all the greats and stuff

like that that got passed down to him

by his family and shit from when he was a kid

he used to go to a lot of conventions

sports conventions baseball players

you went to like the comic cons to see

JDS yeah he saw

all the Phillies players he's got

Pete Rose ball autographed

and he's got a deck

of cards autographed by Pete Rose also

that's pretty cool question by Dustburn

which players bulge do you like the

most Sloth bulge

package penis

I don't see that much

I see more of their asses

the lions always had these awful

like really thin

either silver

or white pants

and after they were like midway through a game

they were sweating enough

you could like see bare ass cheeks

and it was always on like front page yahoo

they're like oh look at the guards

such and such

all you see is like the chalk strap

fucking straps and like bare ass

That's embarrassing.

Dwight, how long have you got to be up for?

How long can you stay up for?

What's going on?

I don't know.

Maybe another hour.

I've got some beers here still.

All right, fine.

How about you?

Let's push for 6 o'clock in the morning, Easter.

Let's see if we can get that done.

If you let me take a break.

The only thing I'm going to do tomorrow is go hit the gym and watch the Lions around 830.

Yo, what's up?

That's me.

And then at night, I'm going to go out to the in-laws' house and get some of that pork and sauerkraut.

I'm going to get that big ass of pork.

Right there, Pocahontas.

You're going to bite the pig's ass?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm going to come up with, show up with a cock ring,

and I'm going to say, oh, I thought we were doing something else.

I told you earlier about that.

I wanted to stab at my sister-in-law.

Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ.

I told you earlier about the guy that was tattooing that big old woman, right?

Yeah.

On Facebook Live.

I told him, I said, why don't you take a big old bite out of that unneeded ass?

He wouldn't do it.

He'd sit there laughing.

like literally i was getting him more views by saying wacky crazy shit on his facebook live

he's like he's like i'm gonna hire you for my marketing to get me more views and all this

he actually added me as a friend uh-huh after that i'm like dude i was just fucking making

fucking jokes about the person you were tattooing i was like i thought i thought it was funny or

people thought it was fucking funny so did you all right dwight man brother dwight stay on

all right let's try to get some numbers just try to get me my ambience trying to kick in but i'm

gonna go get some water and i'm gonna be straight we're good here ambien i got ambien i got scotch

and splenda i got some tori japanese hibiki harmony scotch 12 year malt my uh my smoothies

is that a guava guava nectar what is a guava nectar it's from the guava plant you're putting

that in your in your smoothies yeah let me tell you something let me tell you something that guava

Guava nectar, I know where it comes from.

I have family that make guava nectar.

You don't fuck around with the guava nectar.

They add sugar to it.

They add a lot of sugar to it.

Well, this was organic shit.

No, organic my ass.

Yeah, they were adding some organic sugar to that motherfucker.

You watch out.

Just because this fruit isn't fruit.

Dwight, you need to get with me.

I mean, I got your back with this movie thing.

You need to talk to people like Matt and like me who have been doing this.

Yeah, a guava is what it is.

And what I read is it's not supposed to affect your blood sugar.

are you saying agave nectar agave yeah okay that i thought you're saying guava nectar which is

something completely different from hispanic yeah agave nectar is like it's uh because it's

absorbed through your liver and not sure it's like the purple drink of puerto rico agave nectar

that's what's one of the flavors you know what i mean but yeah when i when i added to a drink i

only put like one or two teas uh that's good that's good that's good that's good that's good

You don't have to deal with that sourness from the stevia, you know, extract from the

rabina plant.

You've got to pay a top dollar for stevia that doesn't have that licorice aftertaste

to it.

And they've got to be getting it from the middle of the plant.

Sloth says Nega Agave Nectar is basically sure.

No, it's actually better than sure.

It has a higher glycemic index, Sloth.

Come on now.

I know you like...

Sloth knows a lot.

Look, listen.

It's absorbed through your liver.

Listen, Sloth knows a lot.

i have a lot of respect for sloth sloth i consider him a friend of mine and he knows a lot i've

learned a lot from him and uh we see eye to eye and a lot of things of the world in the matters

of science he's the former host of a show called science so he is like our professor here but sloth

um you know it has a it has a higher glycemic index it doesn't metabolize in the body as quick

as hcfs would for example or just straight up white you know refined white honk honk honky

honk uh sugar there's a difference agave nectar yes it is sugar yes your sugar will go up but how

much will it go up for the amount of sweetness that you're getting and and also the fact that

it comes really close to honey and syrup where i use it myself as a viable alternative i have

pancakes you know i love pancakes you know how you know the how often i have pancakes once a year

you know when i last had pancakes uh christmas eve morning that's always been a thing for me

and my wife is like i'm gonna make you pancakes yeah you know what i put on it i could have gone

and gotten some mrs butterworth or whatever aunt jemima fucking bullshit syrup no i put some agave

nectar on it a little bit there a little bit there you know don't get too out of control

and i put some of that irish butter a little bit just a pat a pat a pat of fucking butter uh dwight

that's 300 fucking calories man you know i mean that fucking but you just can't fuck with it you

You can't fuck with butter.

You just can't.

If you're trying to lose weight, you know, if you're in a situation where it's too late,

you need to be losing weight, say goodbye to butter.

You're going to get it here and there, you know.

It'll show up in little events, life events.

You're going to be like, damn, that popcorn was good.

It had real butter on it.

You know what?

That was so worth it.

I don't eat popcorn.

Yeah, but I'm just saying, man, situation.

You're going to fucking popcorn party.

Dwight, you know, you're losing the weight, and you got to start growing the girls.

Now we got to get you some coos.

That's my next mission here.

i'm gonna start working on that so all you ladies out there that are listening you guys throw

yourselves on top of people like brad for example why don't you throw you know a little bit towards

dwight over here's a single man he's a handsome man he's losing weight he's healthy he has

smoothies um you know i think he's an eligible bachelor here i got that fucking nutrient ninja

yeah yeah he's yeah he's got good appliances earlier with it he's a great father he's a

a funny man he's a hero to millions uh you should you know everyone dwight you know dwight's gonna

hook us up with a special email address for the ladies uh where you can get a hold of him

get me a norwegian girl like shit we got to get dwight some coups man honestly we'll talk dwight

we'll talk i don't want to put you i'm gonna drop a song in here for uh for brown uh brown cheese

yeah see if he's ever heard of this song i fucking love it it's a norwegian song a norwegian song

so listen can i take a break so i can come back and we can do an hour okay you can yeah okay all

right so you don't go anywhere all right buddy no i got the dwight i've got the bob vance you've

got the carlito we're all here in our chat rooms and our joint communications venture which we

call madhouse radio um you know guys it's been good i will say it was a really good 2016 to a

motherfucker it kind of sucked for the world in a grand big picture of the world it kind of sucked

but it was a lot of cool shit and i think part of it was one good thing that came out of 2016 is

this weekend i had a conversation with my main man jayad my prank call brother and he was like

you know what man we're gonna get that comc out fuck it the fortune favors the bold he said

and it's down

COMC it's the game changer

it really is what

when Jai had first announced it he called it the game

changer it really is going to be a game

changer as far as prank call entertainment

is concerned we're not fucking

Dwight are we fucking with them when we say this stuff

it's all legit

Dwight's good shit

Dwight's good fucking shit man

it's good fucking shit it's only going to get better

there's news coming out so be tuned

on fucking

early afternoon

yeah look i'm i'm closing my eyes i'm seeing a calendar and i see a big line that goes down

and another big line that goes about half the way down next to it and then uh one last line

that connects the two together that that's my cryptic message as to what we're looking at

time wise think about it do all the math i want to see everyone take what i just said and come up

if we know what the date is the time and down to the second we got it right now i know i'm i'm i'm

saying all this shit's gonna give it up but there's a pattern that you can follow and certain

files that are played on all the shows that you listen to on the pc and mixer stream you should

be able to put those together and it's not just mine it's not just why it's anything that you hear

and anything you see on the pc and website can potentially i mean what were we up to almost

enough to do a release

once a week for a year

a 30 minute episode

we got like a television season

set up

I think one episode

is about 80 in the 80th

percentile done

the other one needs to be done

it's got all it's components

assembled and it needs to be done

it could be done within a week or two

and we're looking at a few months out

we're looking at

let me do the math

i think you can see we're looking at uh sometime uh sometime second quarter 2017 q2 2017 we're

looking at i think that's an honest assessment but it's gonna be an early one hopefully it's

gonna be awesome yeah and this is your you know this is my man uh my man dwight working hard on

it uh i've been doing some stuff i got a a carlito centric episode that i even asked for

and I made it to point I said to Jaya Jaya you need to do a Jaya because central because he's

putting a lot of the groundwork the recording and stuff and he doesn't get a lot of opportunity to

be on camera and I said Jaya he just asked me Carlito what what ideas you think that you can do

or that Matt and you or you know Jin and you or Dwight can do with one you know and Brad

these were the ones that were working on this with Jaya and I said Jaya man how about let's

go back to that notebook you have queen talking so much just went into the break um we take that

notebook back of the ideas that you went through for all of of uh art of phone larking and revisit

those but in a video form and he's like yes that's that's right that's right you know so if you can

think about all the things that you've talked about tonight dwight like you know the whole you

know i fuck a dog and the lady's all like what can you believe this guy says he's fucking a dog

stuff like that you get it

yeah I've talked way too much

about it we're going to take a break

when I come back we'll have some

more calls Dwight's going to work on some numbers

we're going to scare some hotels

hey I might even get stuck in

an elevator how's that sound you like that

you like that Dwight

I don't think anything can ever

match when you were stuck in the vents of

the Wendy's though

well the one Hawaiian hotel where the lady

when you shrunk yourself

self yeah like like like ant-man fucking ant-man up there listen the uh the one time though the

chick and and honolulu got a little panicky that she was the mod that's my favorite one so far

all right uh break time come on let's let's go uh go stretch and get some water okay we're gonna do

this we're doing this one more hour till 6 15 a.m that's when we decide if we're gonna keep going

Hello

Motherfucker answered

Hey

Motherfucker how are you

Good now

Yeah I'm good

Okay there was a cable

I had to do

Why you hang up

This may sound

Like I did

I was saying

Listen to the next record

You couldn't hear me

I know

I was

I touch your toes

And then I kiss your toes

And I suck

I was picking stuff up

I was picking some stuff up

Badass

You wouldn't believe

What's going on

This fucker's been

been lighting off fireworks out in the park a lot of hotels and setting off car alarms this is by

my car man it's not a problem this is my car he said he said a key on fire it's all this fucked

up it's fucked this car is fucked up i lit up a shitload of fireworks at midnight here yeah i i

actually found a facebook live where uh two guys were laying down in their house because they heard

gunshots outside and were afraid they were gonna get hit oh but bass what's up man long time how

How you been, brother, man?

My man.

Oh, I've been good.

I've been good.

Much love for you, man.

This is my friend Baz here.

Everyone, respect Baz.

It'd be nice to Baz.

He's my friend.

Hey, everybody.

I can't get into the prankcallnation.com website.

Oh, come on now.

Let's get with that.

Come on, Enigma.

Come on.

Respect the Baz.

Kiss his ring.

This is an OG.

Yeah.

It's a coppo right here, man.

Cop.

Hello?

Damn it.

Oh, I thought I heard a...

That's your...

You sent that one.

What movie did you watch to get that audio?

Dirty Bad.

That sounds like the old sound clip I used to play.

That's what I'm saying.

You're the one that got it.

I wonder what movie you watched to get the clip.

I don't know.

I think I just went to PornTube and used Audacity to record some stuff.

Let me write that down.

PornTube?

Dirty Bad's Enigma says to hit that link.

that I just dropped in the Skype there.

It's a hacker link.

It'll fix it up.

I'm going to get how many penises on my computer.

No, it's good hackers.

Good hackers.

Like Anonymous.

They just help.

Ah, nice.

Just to help.

Helping hand.

It doesn't work for the WW in front of it.

They don't give any...

TJ, how may I help you?

Hey, big fat TJ, how are you doing?

Good, how may I help you, dear?

I have a problem.

Let me get into the bathroom here.

All right. You hear me? Hello? I've already hit her up in the bathroom. This is not believable, maybe.

It's in the morning. Hello?

Good morning.

Yeah, hi. I'm in my bathroom.

Uh-huh.

Wait, there's a problem here.

What's wrong?

Well, um...

What room are you in?

Did you hear what happened? Did you hear?

Ended my remote.

Does it sound that bad? Too loud?

No, it sounds okay to me.

Hello?

Good morning. Thank you for calling. This is Tracy. How can I help you?

Yeah, this is now the third time I've called.

I'm in my bathroom.

I'm stuck in here.

Something happened.

What room are you in, sir?

Did you hear about this first already?

Did you already hear?

No, don't.

You know what?

Give me your room number, please.

Don't what?

Let me transfer you to our police department.

No, no, you can't do that.

No.

Yes, I can.

No, no.

I told you she can't.

It was just like that asshole earlier.

He was going to kick me out.

I said, no, you can't.

She said she was going to transfer you to her police department.

The hotels can transfer you to the police.

I think that's happened to me before, and I just said, I don't know what they're talking about.

They're crazy.

We've had experience out in the L.A. area where they've done that.

I think I had a civilian just say, they're going to do it, and they did it.

And I was like, you know, I don't know what she's talking about.

It was a Target, I think.

And I was like, I don't know why they did that.

I just called to check on blah, blah, blah.

He's like, all right, never mind.

Disregard, thank you.

It was in a cop one time

And that was the same type of thing

I was just going and checking my reservation

This lady was being really aggressive

And kind of a bitch

I don't know what her problem is

If they weren't there while it happened

They're not going to come get you

Unless you broke those rules

Like we have five hostages

In the room 12

This is Hans Gruber

And we tied fireworks to them

Fuck you, John McClane.

This is John McClane.

John McClane.

Yeah.

Oh, McClane.

You mean the first-world diehard guy, not the Arizona senator.

That's McCain.

Yeah, that's John McCain.

That's the asshole that got shot down.

I said my name was Hans Gruber.

I mean, yeah, that's diehard.

Yeah, that's a Republican-Irish.

A lot of fucking respect.

Hey, Baz.

19 more days.

Till?

oh you know i know okay he gets a sabbatical no until until uh king chief of the world is uh in

office oh yeah yeah you're real excited about that you're real proud of yourself i've been

i've been using it as a as a line on a facebook live telling people i'm like oh 19 more days and

yeah i'm like i told him like 2017 the year of deportation is your shit packed and

And people are like, what?

Very fine.

Very mature of you.

I've got acquaintances that have been trying to get federal jobs for a long time.

And now all of a sudden they're getting calls for interviews because a lot of the agencies want to fill a bunch of positions before Trump takes office.

And by acquaintances, he means himself.

Yeah, yeah, me.

My business already announced a month ago we are hiring all freezing.

Like, okay.

If it wasn't filled, sorry.

Hey, how are you?

Fine, and you?

Oh, I'm horny.

Hey, we're just drinking, you know?

We're having a good time tonight.

Okay.

What is the policy for the fireworks?

The fireworks?

Yeah, we got some fireworks.

We bought some fireworks.

You want to get some fireworks?

We bought some from this guy, Juan Diego.

Okay.

he was outside we got a big box of fireworks out here and we're just we're uh you know what's the

policy what you can let them off inside the room no you can't oh why because we are censored for

uh the fire so no please well please well please no but it nothing happened

Uh-uh.

Come on.

Hey, little fuckers.

See how close they drive to me here?

Jesus Christ.

Does everyone here drive like that?

Yeah.

Like crazy?

Mm-hmm.

Why?

Fuck you, bitch.

Nick.

He just parked his car over there.

I'm going to go over there.

I'm going to put the firecrackers on it.

Hey, Dwight.

That box of firecrackers.

Put them by that car.

What, the M80s?

yeah put them by the van over there the guy left by rockets by the van too

yep put everything there and dump that gasoline mate we'll make a trail

okay here we go hey do you have matches no do you know where we can get matches

it's set it's ready to roll hello miss miss lady do we need matches sorry i don't have much

it's ready to rock and roll let's go yeah oh shit yeah man hello miss miss lady she hung up

I'll call him back.

I was going to ask her what her marijuana policy was in the parking lot.

Oh, sure.

They don't carry Tijuana.

I'll call her Miss Lady.

Who's Lady?

I think it was right.

No one gives a shit about a car alarm anymore.

Hey, I'm going to go get me some more booze because it's fucking New Year's.

Whoa.

Be right back.

Easy, buddy.

All right.

You sound like me three hours ago.

But it's three hours earlier here.

Hey, whose car is this?

Whose car was that that we messed up?

Como?

Hello?

Hello, who is, whose car is that?

Who the?

I don't know.

Do you have a sasso?

Sasso there?

No.

Oh shit.

How can we turn off the car alarm?

I don't know.

Where are you?

Oh, we're down the street.

We were coming.

We were coming there to stay there.

Going to some guy on the street if you want.

Oh there, it went off.

It turned off.

Yeah.

Hey.

Uh, so did you hear what happened?

No.

You didn't hear?

No.

What happened?

did you know

it smells bad

did you know

all over my chest

all over my face

my chest my mouth

I'm painting my eyebrows with it

oh yeah

I put it all over my nipples

my bologna nipples

I put it over my

my big belly under my

breasts

yeah my my hair on my stomach and your gooch putting in my belly button i'm putting in there

too and now i'm going down to under the belly under my big fat belly i'm rubbing it all there

oh yeah that's really hot miss lady good i'm a pig i'm a pig i'm babe i'm a pig hey i'm a pig

look at me i'm a pig can i ask the lady a question i'm drunk listen i'm slapping myself

Hey, lady.

Can you be our little chicken?

We'll shave you.

Excuse me, madam.

We'll shave you.

I'm coughing.

I'm smoking marijuana cigarette out here.

We'll shave your bottom feathers.

Yeah, we want you to be our little chicken for the night.

To you, everybody.

Happy birthday.

What happened?

Is it over?

Yeah.

Hello, lady.

Hey.

Oh, she's there.

Yay.

We were worried about you.

What?

Yeah, we were worried about you because you didn't say anything.

Are you okay?

No, I'm working.

Oh, yeah?

We thought Donald Trump got you.

Yeah, he was seen, like, lurking around the parking lot.

He was tweeting, uh, M-A-G-A.

And that stands for I'm a grabber by the pussy.

Hmm? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Hey, who's that? Who's talking in the background, ma'am?

You tell them to shut the fuck up.

No? Well, you're fired.

Hey, people.

You're fired.

Okay, bye, lady. See you.

Bye.

Bye, Miss Lady.

Miss Lady.

Now, I think that, isn't that from Step Brothers with John C. Reilly when he and Will Ferrell were tag team job interviewing and he called the lady Miss Lady or something like that?

I always thought that was pretty funny.

Sounds plausible.

Plausible.

Easy enough to look up.

Give me 30 seconds.

Yeah, what does Yahoo Answers say?

Yeah, kids, if you're listening and you're studying for a test, use Yahoo Answers.

It's great.

and Scribd, S-C-R-I-B-D dot com.

Hey, how are you?

Bueno.

Hey, bueno.

Hey, how are you?

It's good that you're time to pick up the phone.

Hello.

Who do you want to talk to?

I'm going to go in the toilet.

Who do you want to talk to?

I need to go to the toilet.

Uh, yes, confirmed.

Hello, Miss Lady.

Yes, confirmed.

Yeah.

Hello, Miss Lady's from that.

What was it?

From Step Brothers.

Yep, confirmed.

Step Fuckers.

Hello, Miss Lady.

I'm Dale.

I'm glad it's not what I thought it was.

Ah, maldita sea, puta.

Question from DesperateDead.

Does your wife have long nipples, Baz?

Why are you asking him that kind of question?

Well, you know, she's asleep right now, but I can't give any exact measurements.

You need the measuring tape out.

That's a private question.

You don't need to be asking that.

I'm sorry.

I want to know, at midnight, did you give your wife a kiss?

Of course.

On her lips or, you know.

you know somewhere hotels in tijuana

hello hello hey i'm in the toilet you're in the toilet yeah me and i there's a problem here

and what room are you in look this is a big problem you need to come and fix this shit

motherfucker you hey hey where you at here we go what room are you in i'm here oh i'm in the room

what room are you in i'm in the bed what room are you in i don't want to tell you oh then what the

What the fuck are you calling me for?

Because I'm shitting in the bed and shitting in the toilet.

I'm not going to flush, motherfucker.

If you don't tell me what room you're in, I can't help you.

104.

Room 4?

Uh-huh.

All right.

I'm taking a big shit here now, motherfucker.

Congratulations.

Yeah, but I'm going to mess it all up.

I'm going to put the shit everywhere, all over my face.

I'm going to put your ass in jail.

You're going to do shit, motherfucker.

I'm American.

You want a bet?

I'm American.

You're in Mexico, mijo.

I don't care.

This is America.

I'll see you in a minute.

This is America, buddy.

Puta madre.

Uh-oh.

He's on his way to the room.

I'm going to punch your ass in jail.

He's headed to the room right now.

He's calling backup.

Oh, shit.

I'm going to punch your ass in jail for taking a shit.

Hey, motherfucker.

You coming or what, huh?

Oh, I'm coming.

Yeah, come on.

Hurry up, motherfucker.

I don't have all night.

You're number four?

Yeah, puta.

Come on.

Puta madre.

Eh, pentejo.

Oh, shit.

He needs to take him out of this shit.

Take him out of the room.

That's what he said in the background.

Can you guys hear me?

Someone's about to get dragged out in fucking

middle Tijuana. No reason.

You ain't doing anything.

Yes, we can hear you, Bess.

Skype chat's being retarded.

Yeah, what's going on, huh?

Why are you coming in here?

Why?

Why are you

in number 4?

Hello?

Hey, what happened?

Yes?

What happened, motherfucker?

Say you're sorry.

Why?

Because you come in here starting shit, motherfucker.

Um, no.

Oh, no?

Who?

Was I just talking to you?

No.

I'm another person.

Who is the guy I was talking to?

It's another one.

Oh, I'm in 104.

He's supposed to come over here so I can kick his fucking ass.

Oh, he's on his way.

Oh, yeah?

To get his ass kicked?

Yeah, would you want to come help?

Do you like him?

If you don't like him, I'll let you punch him, too, if you want.

You want to punch him, too, hard?

No.

Yeah, we won't tell no one.

If you need something else, sir, I'm busy right now.

I want to punch all the Mexicans I can find tonight, motherfucker.

You want to fight?

You come down then, motherfucker.

I want to fuck them.

I want to fuck all the Mexicans.

I'm going to fuck you up, motherfucker.

Motherfucker.

So what room are you in?

Motherfucker.

Why are you going to the wrong room, stupid?

Hey, stupid, what room are you in?

We watched you do that the whole time.

You're a stupid motherfucker, you.

No, no, no, no, Cinco, no.

Oh, shit, oh, shit.

Hey, block the door.

Block the door.

Dwight, block the door.

Block the door, Dwight.

Block the door.

I'm going to put the couch in front of the door.

I'll block it.

If it's in there, pull him out.

I could hear him saying, Cinco, Cinco.

Yeah, he said, Cinco, pull him out, pull him out.

I told him I was watching it because I was saying 105.

He said, 105, huh?

I'm like, yeah, 105.

Next to 104.

I feel like they ain't fucking around.

They're like, pull the motherfucker out, man.

Fucking Latin kings.

Hello?

Hey.

How you doing?

Hola.

Maricón.

How you doing?

Happy New Year.

Maricón.

Pantejo.

Motherfuckers say you're sorry.

Yeah, we offended.

Look, we're making it to six.

We're having fun, man.

It's all the same place.

I can't even see the numbers you're dialing.

yeah i'm calling these guys own system yeah i know unless i tell you it's uh it's the same

i'm pretty good at telling you know yeah you are i try i just haven't been at a call hey hey

what happened what happened i'm waiting here what happened no no you listen

you motherfuckers are gonna pay for the wall fuck you yeah we're gonna make you pay oh yeah

Oh, that's the wall.

That's the one thing I need for the wall.

People reviled by that.

Alright, so now we gotta call a hotel

and ask what their defecation...

Oh, shit. We have an over-eaters meeting.

They just fired up.

Oh, man. That would be fun.

Alright, but what I want to do first is to ask

what the policy is for shitting on each other.

And then when they say, you know, whatever,

I say, alright, let's go.

So this is kind of like the fireworks.

If they say you can't do it, then we could ask them

if we could shit in the cup.

Your call cannot be completed as dialed.

three guys one cup three yeah yeah you know yeah i'm on the fence with that one it could happen

yeah yeah i'm not a practice man i'm just like yeah hey how you doing happy happy fourth of

july yeah hey um you speak english yes okay what's the what's the policy for us to have sex

in the room what the policy is there policy for having sex in the room like we just have

Uh, what you do in your room, that's up to you.

Okay, so we're gonna-

How about loud sex?

We're gonna do loud sex. Loud, horny sex. Is that good?

Yeah.

Okay, cause we're drunk.

I grunt a lot.

We drunk. We're drunk. We're gonna have-

We're gonna pee. We're gonna make pee and caca on each other, too.

Oh, gosh.

Oh, God.

Hey, can we- can I shit on them?

Yeah.

I can take- I can take a shit?

Come for your daughter, Chucky.

What?

Depends on the girl.

It's not a girl.

We're all guys.

We're going to do shitting on each other on the bed.

Oh, that's up to you.

We're not cleaning it up.

I might vomit, too, in their mouths.

Is that okay?

Yeah, it's up to you guys.

And some might get on the bed and the wall and the floor, too, and maybe the ceiling.

Well, if you find a room, that's okay, but what's up with you?

Oh, yeah.

What's your policy on punching holes in the wall for glory hole?

Yeah, we want to punch a hole in the wall of the bathroom for glory hole.

someone else but we patch it i shit you not i heard over the walkie talkie you motherfuckers

i think if you call that that uh number right there there was a meeting that was on previously

uh with that same pin code oh yeah yeah was it yeah yeah i think so but yeah it cracked me up

but I had to mute

when I heard

those motherfuckers.

What's that?

The overeaters?

Yeah.

Overeaters, yeah.

We shut them down earlier.

That was kind of funny

with the sound drops.

God damn you.

Thank you for calling

my telephone, Katie.

You may enter

the conference number

followed by the pound sign

for the meeting

at any time

during this message.

To unmute your phone,

please press star one.

After you have finished

speaking,

please press star one

to mute your phone.

In order to have the best sound quality, only one person should be unmuted at any time.

We hold Overeaters Anonymous meetings.

And I'm offended.

There are currently 37 other participants in the conference.

Let's be honest.

This design, it was just like this piece of art that was brought to me.

Like I say, I say, oh, God, because he was speaking to me through my passion at the time.

If you're speaking to me through, you know, all...

Please press 1 to mute.

You are now unmuted.

Hey, listen to this.

Hello?

I'm going to...

Hey, shut up.

We're eating Twinkies.

I just now muted the line.

So to come back in and be heard, Nancy, it's okay to come back in or whoever was talking

and press star 1 to unmute your phone, but I was getting some background noise.

I'm sorry it's a long story, but I just finished this story.

Go ahead.

So anyway, it was like this earring design.

You are now unmuted.

Hurry up. Let's go. Let's go. Hurry up. Hurry up.

Because he was speaking to me through, you know, the elements that I was working with currently.

You know, he knew that's on my mind, so he got my attention on something else besides this frustration with my mom.

Please press 1 to mute. You are now muted.

...my mind for a minute, because otherwise the tension in my, you know, the tension in my mind...

Please press 1. You are now unmuted.

...in, you know, with her.

And so I came home and had to make that earring, those earrings, you know,

because I said, wow, it was like a spiritual experience, you know,

to have this design brought to me that had this open fur...

Maybe some nipple earrings, too. Maybe some nipple earrings.

open for her for communication you know nancy it's okay come on just continue well i guess

that's pretty much the end of the story okay it's allison i thought it was a great story and i was

right there with you it's a great story and often at a struggle does fantastic story i applaud you

uh can i have your phone number because i want to lick your nipples uh who are you dear

To the gentleman, would you please tell us?

My name is Frank. I'm very lonely.

I eat a lot of food during the holidays.

I have a sex addiction as well.

And I need a fantastic lady to go out and about and do some, maybe some holiday things.

Maybe go out and, you know, do some shopping and some fucking.

I have just now muted the lines.

So to come back in, you need to press star 1 to unmute your phone.

And if that fellow comes back in, well, I will have him booted.

Oh, no.

You know what?

I think you gave him some time, though, so that the dashboard,

whoever could be, you know, like tracking it or something, right?

What, honey?

The dashboard, they can be tracking him, right?

Yeah.

When he's on, they can tell, hey, that's a new number coming on, you know.

You are now unmuted.

I need to be doing some bare-bottom spanking.

Bottom spanking is what I'm doing.

Okay, just a second, just a second.

I'm going to ask everybody to be quiet for just a minute here.

Is it Frank?

Frank?

Frank, are you there?

Are you there, Frank?

Yeah, I'm here.

What's going on?

Okay, Linda.

Linda, I don't know, you can ask Gabby to come on in.

You can contact Gabby.

Frank, where are you?

I'm right here.

What is going on?

What is with the noise?

What's going on with you, Frank?

What's going on, Frank?

I took half a tab of Viagra, and I had some beers, and your guess is as good as mine.

Where are you, Frank?

I'm at my home.

You're at your house?

You know what, Frank?

Tonight we've had nine people come in tonight.

Nine different states come in.

What state are you in?

You want to tell us what state you're in, Frank?

I'm in a mass confusion.

Hello, everybody.

Could you please mute your line?

No.

God is asking that everybody...

Mute your fucking line, people.

Everyone, mute your fucking line right the fuck now.

Mute your fucking line.

Yeah, do it.

Frank, come on. You can stay on, Frank.

Everybody else will mute.

Stay on, Frank. Stop being a bitch and stay on.

And mute your line.

Frank, we're going to listen to you.

We're going to listen to you.

I'm booting everyone on right now.

One by one.

Everyone who starts trouble is getting booted.

Immediately. Start it now.

And I mean now.

Come on in, Frank.

Frank, you bitch. Talk.

Don't yell at me.

Let's go.

Okay, listen.

Dude, this is a very...

that shit

shit was too

funny. Oh my god.

Hang on, let me scramble my ideas.

She wanted to help you, I think. Yeah.

Who the fuck is Frank? Frank, that's me.

Is that the name you gave?

Yes. Yeah, he said, my name's Frank.

Oh my god.

I think she wanted

They wanted to help you, dude.

They usually try to appeal to our better side.

It doesn't work.

Does it ever?

No.

Sometimes it's like, okay, all right, you're right, you're right, you're right.

Like, okay, okay, and then I'll go right back into it immediately again.

Carvelio starts clapping.

Hey, come on, honey, hurry up, hurry up.

That was funny.

All right, here we go again.

Look at 606, motherfucker.

Thank you for calling our telephone meeting.

You may enter the conference number followed by the pound sign for the meeting at any time during this message.

To unmute your phone, please press star 1.

After you have finished speaking, please press star 1 to mute your phone.

In order to have the best sound quality, only one person should be unmuted at any time.

We hold Overeaters Anonymous meetings on this...

There are currently 32 other participants in the conference.

Okay, thank you, Linda, for helping out.

A lot of people help out, don't they, when something happens?

There's somebody that comes in.

You are now unmuted.

Someone that helps out and says, call Gabby and some of the rest of you.

Keep talking until we ask you to.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

That little sweetheart, he's going to get booted again, too.

What's going to happen to him?

That little sweetheart, he likes to dial the telephone.

Maybe he's learning how to dial.

Do you suppose?

We don't know.

So if that little sweetheart keeps coming in, he'll learn how to use the telephone maybe.

Because he'll get booted off.

At least it's keeping his hands out of trouble when he's dialing.

You have been kicked from this conference.

Wow.

I'm in a bunch of buttons.

I'm back.

and yeah

probably

probably don't

Anthony just accused you

of staying

like keeping your hands

off your dick

while you were dialing

yeah

and she said

you were masturbating

oh yeah

you were fucking

jerking your dick

I don't need to do that

I don't need to

oh my Jesus

I don't have a need to

I mean

not that I wouldn't do it

but I just don't have a need to

and so

and it's like you know

in the movies

when they just put their

like their hands

behind your head

and just lay back

you know

that's me

don't gotta do nothing

no

things just happen

and since it's falling on my lap, so to say.

Thank you.

So, I guess that's it.

Six o'clock.

You guys want to go until seven?

Oh, man.

Yeah.

Seven!

That means four more hours.

Yeah, you can do six o'clock and I can't, but...

What the fuck are you?

My wife already came in here and said,

It's six o'clock in the morning.

I think we promised till 6.15, which is six more minutes.

I can go until seven if you want to.

I haven't done pranks on a chill

It's 6.09am here on the east coast

I did take a sleep

I can touch myself

At some point we'll kick in

You need to get a better microphone

Layaway Jay

He's going to get that

Q2U

One that I have

Logitech shit

It's a piece of shit H600

See that's what I started out with

Can you bring yourself down a little bit

At first

It's too loud

It's too high

See I started out

I started out with the Logitech

It's a little better

See I

Then I converted to the Q2U

Which is

I know three or four people

That use this mic

You use that one?

Yeah this particular one

Yeah let's listen to that

I know we're committed

To five more minutes

Yeah, it's Carlito. I know that.

Oh, man, go longer.

All right, here's the pharmacy in Tijuana.

I'm going to ask for Spanish fly.

Got to do it.

Yeah.

Oh, Jesus.

Spanish fly.

My wife's going to kill me if I stay up until 7 o'clock.

I'm just saying.

Gracias por llamar a oficinas corporativas de farmacias Roma.

A culo.

¿Sabías que Roma te regala 100?

Pinta 100 puntos en tu tarjeta Roma y listo.

Eso es vivir al 100.

I don't know if they're real.

Descubre más en tus cursales, Facebook o Twitter.

are these the ones that have their own like doctor he'll like he'd go in and say hey you need a

diagnosis and he'd go in and like the dude behind the counter gets out a stethoscope

then he he took that away and he goes i'm also the pharmacist i'm gonna fill your prescription

that i just wrote you yeah i read about that on uh vice.com yeah it's pretty funny i was i heard

something about that on 24 you get the cheap viagra that way and shit that's what people

Now you just go down there and say, man, my back hurts real bad.

They'll prescribe you, like, methadone and shit like that.

You got to go, like, look at my dick.

I can't fuck.

I can't hug.

I can't get hard.

I'm like, oh, man.

It just lays there.

No problem, man.

It's all floppy.

Come on, man.

The first one they give me, I just told him, yeah, yeah, you know, I get a little nervous sometimes.

I go, yeah, no problem.

He's this Argentinian doctor.

And he was like, man, you're going to take this, man.

He's just like that.

take these samples like all right thanks dr morera i think his name was just like

yeah but let me tell you that you don't just take this and then you're hard you know it's like it

doesn't work like that you have to become aroused so and i'm like all right kind of awkward yeah

sure i was like 23 i didn't need them but i everyone like i heard was saying yeah man you

can fuck like a rock star for like a whole weekend if you got one of these in you and yeah it was

pretty that's how it started yeah hey remember i remember the call you and i did once on one of

if you're um remember when you were doing the morning shows on the weekdays we called some

clinic and you told the nurse that yeah i'm coming in and i took a viagra just in case just to be

ready no or just just for the fuck i was gonna say just to be ready i think but you yeah and

i jumped in and then i was like uh what did i say i was saying something and then uh they put a

fucking deputy on the line remember that and then you were playing all the toilet sounds and the

the urinal sounds and you said that i was like the retarded dude and you were the caretaker

you were telling him that yeah last time he was like throwing the cotton balls around

it sounded like that jim floritine one where he drowns his granddad in the yeah in the tub

but um that same you were saying like it wouldn't make sense because um i was saying yeah that would

that wouldn't make sense because you'd raise your heart pressure go up real hard and you said yeah

you were like no it would be the opposite and i was like no i don't think so but you were right

Right, yeah. I wanted to say, and I've known that for a while now,

and I never had a chance to tell you, you were right about that.

Yeah, I figured.

I'm an asshole. I'm a fucking asshole.

I was wrong. You were right.

Well, you know, when people are wrong and I know that I'm right,

I'm big enough for I'll just, whatever.

No, I'm just giving you shit.

Yeah, but you know what's sad?

Something to go, dude.

You know, yeah.

See, I'm mad enough to recognize when that happens, but you know what?

That's cool. Thank you.

That happens to me at least once a weekly basis at work.

It's a lot of that, and it just brings me down, man.

Ugh, people like that.

You don't know what you're talking about.

You're adding that there because you think it's not going to do anything.

Look, I'm going to do it without it, and we'll compare.

And then that person's thing that they added throws out an error,

and mine doesn't because it's not there because it doesn't do nothing.

It's retarded.

Hello, yes.

Do you have your papers?

First.

Yeah.

For what, mister?

Oh, because I'm in the toilet now.

I was going to need some papers.

You know why?

Okay, so how many else is there?

Do you know why I need the papers for?

Yes.

No, you don't know.

Ask me and I'll tell you.

It's something special.

Give me one second.

No, no, no, no.

Ask me.

Just say what.

For what.

Say.

One hour daily of cannabis and grains during the day.

Man.

Yeah, I'm not listening.

I'm not hearing the caller, dude.

I can just hear you talking.

Come on.

Oh, that's right.

I took you guys off of that when we got disconnected.

Hey, J-Way-Lay.

What's going on, buddy?

Going good.

How you doing?

Do I sound good?

I don't sound good.

it's like the it's like the touchstone terrace doesn't he go do i sound good jim bob yeah

when you tell him that he's being recorded he says yeah play it back do i sound good yeah do

i sound good i've actually used that before in a few breaks yeah without the accent yeah it's a

good comeback all right so i'm gonna get out of here then that's that's not all right oh come on

It's 6.16, and I'm starting to get tired.

Hey, can you do any UK?

UK wankers!

Do you have numbers?

Well, I've got some old numbers.

Just take me a second.

I don't know.

I don't want to keep you up.

I don't care.

I keep forgetting it's three hours later on where you are.

I don't care.

Yeah, hold on.

Let me just pull this up on external.

Let's go, let's go.

Wankers!

Let's go, go, go.

I just haven't done any.

Yeah, hold on.

It's coming, it's coming.

Let me just...

I don't know.

I can't guarantee these will work.

You know, if you want, just try, like, one or two.

then they don't work they don't work they're actually old uh numbers actually the file says

new numbers but files like three years old okay some of these guys we've called quite a bit before

all right i await your transmission hopefully they're uh formatted correctly where is that

new new phone i haven't talked to that guy in a long time yeah i'll have to these are new new

numbers from a long time ago.

Is this a name from Wankershire, England?

Something like that.

I just have

them from my, uh, my notes.

Your international call

cannot be completed. This is where I mess

up with the formatting. Let me see here.

What do I got here? Uh, I think it's

011 and you get rid of the 44?

No, no, no. And get rid of the 0

after. That's what it is.

It seems too short. Yes, it is too short

because I didn't copy all the numbers. Let's try that again.

Alright. So the first one

is Moore?

These are Moores? Yeah, yeah.

Like the Roger Moores? Yeah.

Hey. You're a good Roger-ing.

That's excellent.

If they pick up, let me think

about what you just said. Give me an idea.

Connecting. The number is not

answering. I can't hear the ringing.

The number's not answering.

Don't know if I did that right. We'll continue

you here is the next one all i know is that um almost all of these numbers were people that got

pretty irritated but it's been a while so they've had a long time to calm down

and forget i'm not having any luck with these numbers i think i might have them formatted

yeah if not dude we can do it some other time i guess it's gonna have to be bad yeah it's late i

know that's cool i gotta get to that too yeah we all get thanks for the show carlito it was awesome

yeah thanks man thanks for having me on too

it's an honor

it's good to talk to you man

yeah you too brother man

talk to you soon

yeah I think

Dwight McClanahan

helped out here

and Bob Bantzman

was here

and that's it happy new year

yeah everyone

live from Carlitos

toilet

This has been Madhouse Radio

2017.

Oh.

I know I cry wolf a lot,

but there's probably only a few shows left.

Just saying, enjoy them.

Oh, the times,

they are a-changin'.

Roll a Philly and get shit

Intersection to take this rap

I got a bitch's plot

The first

Madhouse Radio New Years Day Special

Calls (31, 1 h 8 min of 2 h 14 min)

Transcript

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