Ass Water

Well, if you're calling, if you're calling just to make fun or whatever, then I don't need it.

This is a cooler toilet.

Okay, that's where I could take a shit in, take a shit in that thing.

On the 13th, Vancouver Street with Dwight, I had wanted to use the company car.

Drinks used in a form two is not acceptable.

There ain't no fucking games, dude.

I, I fucked you, son of a bitch.

Stop making us do the cutting.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you.

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

The evening.

The photo lab press call is transferred.

Thank you for calling CBS Pharmacy located within Target.

To refill a prescription, press 1.

Prescribers, press 2.

Pharmacy, press 3.

If you're ready for pickup, press 1.

To refill a prescription, press 2.

To hear the pharmacy department hours, press 3.

To speak to a pharmacy staff member, press 4.

Please hold and your call will be transferred.

Someone will assist you momentarily.

How can I help you?

Asshole.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

I was calling to see if you have something in there before I come bring the script down.

What is it?

Asswater.

Hi.

Thanks for calling.

Hello, good services.

How can I help you today?

Yeah, Asswater, please.

I'm sorry?

Asswater.

What kind of water?

I can't understand you.

I'm so sorry.

Asswater.

Sir?

Just wanted to make sure the shit's working.

It is.

Good.

Been a few months.

Just gotta be sure before we get into it.

Number, caller ID for a person who's got, for rent, a special $99 deposit to BR Apartments,

dollar sign 550, month, comma, water included.

To get to that.

Once I learn how to change the caller ID.

There we go.

I think it's all dizzy now.

Whoops, forgot the wand.

Come on.

Yeah, hi, how you doing?

Good to talk to you.

God bless you.

So you have a, is it a room for rent or apartment for rent here?

A studio.

Okay.

On South Hamilton.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, okay.

Okay, so it's a studio apartment.

Does it have a kitchen in it?

It does.

Okay, all right.

It has a nice bathroom in it?

It does.

Okay, all right, all right.

And what kind of colors you got going on inside?

What kind of what?

Colors, what kind of colors?

Is it painted nice white or blue or, like, what kind of colors?

Painted soft or tan.

Soft tan, mm-hmm.

Okay, because, like, taupes and dark browns usually make me, like, have, like, a laxative effect.

But if it's a lighter tan, that might be okay.

No, really, that can happen.

That's the thing.

This is your name, number, and a brief message, and I'll return your call as soon as possible.

Thank you.

At the tone, please record your message.

When you have finished recording...

Asshole!

If you are satisfied with your message, record message review.

Asshole!

Cool, that works.

All right.

Here we go.

Here's a restaurant called the East Belt.

The East Belt!

Thank you for calling East Belt Bakery.

If you would like to place an order or make a change to your existing order, press 1.

If you would like to speak directly to Olympic Freightways or check on a delivery, press 2.

If you would like to speak to our operator, press 3 or remain on the line for assistance.

I don't think they're open now.

This is a restaurant, ain't a fucking restaurant.

All of our representatives are assisting other callers at this time.

Your call is very important to us.

Give a message, what?

Please stay on the line and your call will be handled in the order it was received.

You must be the answering service.

Thank you for calling Eastball Bakery.

If you would like to place an order, I'll make a change to your existing order.

Press 1.

If you would like to speak directly to Olympic Freightway...

Yeah, hey, you're unloading a U-Haul?

I've already got somebody to help me with that.

Well, I can help out some more.

I can back it up for you.

Excuse me?

I can back it up, you know, back it down a ramp for you if you want.

I can clean it nice for you so you can return it clean.

I'll fill up the gas tank for you, you know, I'll clean the hubcaps and everything

I'll do anything. I'll do anything. You can make me do anything. I'll suck your dick guy. Oh, ha. Oh, that's an old prank

Oh, it's like a 90 1996 prank call. This guy's calling you ha

It's the ladies you have reached the mailbox of it wasn't that funny

Pranks back then really on the internet really were not that funny blackout was pretty funny

I'll remember

Dr. Lego says

He was around back then

But I never saw

Motherfucking Dr. Lego

Anywhere

Till after KDK

Was out and shit

He's got some

Kind of claim

But you all

Before KDK

96

Blackout said

He's been on

The internet

Since 94

95

Blackout

From blackoutsbox.com

Claims to be

The first person

To put a prank call

On the internet

On the

World wide web

WWW machine

He says, says he

I don't know why I got into that

But here we are

Alright, here we got a Buick

That's a nice car, my grandma had a Buick

Piece of shit

Had air conditioning, that was great

It wasn't a luxury we always got

When I was a kid

Air conditioning

I was drinking a little bit there

Alright let's call that first lady

That I was really rude to for no reason

Let's try her

What was it about

It was about our studio apartment

And what did I say

Ass water

Oh, and I said I get a laxative effect from the color brown.

I sort of got it.

That's a thing.

I saw that somewhere.

There's some kind of condition where you see a certain color, you just shit.

You gotta take a shit.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

How are you?

I was calling about your studio apartment.

Uh-huh.

What do you need to know?

Well, if I came in, I'll color it a different color.

I'll have it painted a different color and have it switched back for you.

Aw.

I was hoping her husband would pick up.

I'll probably call him the sheriff now.

Please leave your name.

Investments.

You're going to take an investment advice from her?

You're crazy?

Have you picking shit colors in your freaking house?

Studio apartment.

We've got an older home for sale in the city limits.

In the big city.

Two better than one bathroom machine.

I see Nunu's in the chat room.

He's confirmed he's going to be sending us some numbers, including several celebrities and sports athletes.

We look forward to that.

yeah hey you got an older home in city limits for sale i do it's got two bedrooms and one

bathroom machine yes okay um how long has it been on the market it isn't on the market we're selling

just uh family selling it oh just family does someone die yes oh that's hilarious um do you

have a license for the bathroom sir i'm not interested asshole yeah that was too quick

That's not, dude, that's fucked up.

All right, I'm sorry.

Let me try to call back and apologize.

That's really messed up to say that's hilarious.

That's horrible.

I feel really bad.

No, really, that's not good.

That's bad karma.

Oh, come on, Mitzi.

I want to say I'm sorry.

Get you a $100 gift certificate.

Hello?

Yeah, they're not selling the house if the person just died.

They've been dead a few months.

I mean, is it too soon?

Yes, but it's not like, oh, my God.

as far as we know that person might have been you know missing seven years and now they're legally

dead deceased passed away i feel real bad about that i usually don't stoop that low if anyone

was affected by that that's real fucked up i've made promises in the past i wouldn't make

pranks like that and i just did it's just been three months or so at least three months

or so almost three months uh since i had the uh the show gone you know here from the studio so

So, I'm just a little out of practice.

I apologize.

I don't want that to happen again.

I'll do my best at least.

Can't promise, but I'll do my best.

Ugh, excuse me.

A new Cub Cadet riding lawnmower.

Is that a kid's toy or an actual lawnmower?

Let's see.

I don't want to say Cub Cadet's like a lawnmower for kids.

No?

Looks like it's legit.

Man, I'd be embarrassed if I got a Cub Cadet.

What happened in the days when you could get a nice snapper?

Snapper?

All right, here's someone selling some seasoned firewood.

but delicious.

Cajun, I hope.

Let's see.

I'm going to move for some Cajun or lemon pepper.

Please leave your message for...

What was the...

The background of the song here,

Fuji's Ready or Not.

Wasn't it...

Excuse me.

Wasn't this in a Stephen King movie?

What is this?

Like an Enya song or something?

It's that one movie

where the mom is fucking the son in the beginning the mom did i say the mom the mom's banging the

son at the beginning of the movie but they're not really mother and son they're like alien

machines or something i think that's right man this album here man the score by fujis i straight

up this just reminds me of like summer of fucking 94 95 this would have been 95 summer or 96 95

25 and we bumped this a lot in uh puerto rico that year because i would go to puerto rico every

summer i would the week after school got out i was on a plane to pr and i came back the week

before school started so it came out to about two and a half to three months depending on the year

how the school schedules landed that year i remember this song that played a lot i bought

bought it right before i left it's one summer put the shit out of this fucker all right

i really want to talk about seasoned wood man i got i got i want to talk about stupid it's

probably gonna get hung up on scraping the barrel you think i'd have some fucking ideas straight

sleepwalkers thank you strange life coming up with that info there you get a gold star machine

home alone too yes hi so you have some seasoned firewood yes all right uh you want to talk to

my husband uh well i prefer to because the woman really doesn't know right he's got four loads oh

i bet where can you leave him at hey hey you want to drop a load on me yeah all right cool sixty

dollars load yeah all right seasoned firewood uh you got what you got what kind of firewood you got

what kind of water you got any cajun what's uh cajun cajun mesquite oh no you got any lemon

Lemon pepper?

Huh?

Lemon pepper?

Lemon pepper wood?

No.

All right.

Do you know where I can get some lemon pepper wood?

Or you got any, I don't know, you got any, like, curry?

All right, so I can get that mesquite.

What do you got, that mesquite?

What do you got?

Curry.

Maple?

Is that like a breakfast wood?

I do.

I do, yeah.

All right, so that one you use for breakfast, the maple wood?

I just got it out and make syrup, you know, just to...

Yeah, because I sure am hungry, you know, so...

I'd like to eat some wood.

Do you smoke any wood there?

Huh?

Do you smoke any wood?

Do you do any smoking?

No.

You don't do any wood smoking?

Okay, I was just wondering if you did.

Do you have a license and all that for a wood sale?

Wood license?

Yes.

You do?

Got a wood license?

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

Okay.

And on average wood, how big is the sexual organs on it?

Huh?

How big are the sexual organs on an average piece of firewood?

Five, four, five.

Yeah, but how big are the sexual organs on it?

What do you mean?

The sexual organ?

Hello?

Yeah, I know, but they have some sexual organs there, right?

So I was wondering how big the sexual organs are on the wood.

Okay, all right.

They got nice, big, thick, creamy loads.

Yeah.

They come out hot.

Yeah.

All right, can I talk to your wife real quick?

I had a question for her.

A baby!

Yay!

Peepy.

I was asking, I don't think you understand

if he's stupid or something.

How big are the sexual organs on the wood?

You're talking about how long the wood is?

No, the sexual organs.

You're talking about the round things in the middle of it?

I don't know.

I mean, it depends if it's a boy wood or a girl wood.

Oh, I don't know if it's a boy wood or a girl wood or not.

Well, I mean, take a look at one.

Let's see.

Look up the skirt.

Look in between the legs of the wood.

Okay, file.

People are dumb as fuck.

Oh, God.

Oh, boy.

Someone has a P-11 handgun.

Tobacco sitter.

What's a tobacco sitter?

Excellent shape with water tank.

Tobacco sitter.

Excellent shape with water tank.

Is that for growing tobacco?

you grow your own tobacco then you roll it you gotta dry it and all that what is the tobacco

sitter let's see google tobacco setter the most affection transplanter and tobacco setter on the

market says it's like it's it's it's like a fucking uh it's a thing you connect to the

tractor and it's for laying tobacco down laying it down oh that's good that's good he said sitter

let's call him he's got other stuff what complete rebuild on an evil engine sounds like a piece of

of shit fully dressed selling due to health selling due to health rear tire and battery

that's not an evo that sounds like it's a golf cart let's see hey boy how you doing i was gonna

say something but i held back hey you got a tobacco center for sale uh-huh oh that's good

that's good how old is that motherfucker i'm not really sure on the age i think it's not real old

it's one of the mirror tile oh good good does it work good yeah what's that made of aluminum

aluminum the arms yourself has got aluminum all right in on him where they connect but you know

everything else that's still all right good good you got your own tractor there i mean you got a

tractor are you trying to get rid of you just got the sitter no just a sitter i'm not getting rid

of my tractor we just put a lot of garden out and uh where i'm disabled and took over to the

farmer's market and set up the soul and i just used it to take out tomato plants and peppers

and sweet potatoes and i worked great for doing that but i just had downsized i just can't do it

like you say so it's just sitting out here not being not being used here for the last couple

of years so i said might as well just sell it god damn does it have a piss basin in it a what a piss

a piss tank a piss tank yeah it's got a piss tank in there all right that's good that's good good

good and what kind of tobacco can you plant with that any kind cuban sea connecticut wrapper

or anything now he hangs up oh no we got too many questions now i don't know shit about this

motherfucker what the heck was he here pissed all i said was pissed man your call has been

forwarded to an automated voice messaging system anyway milkman how you doing milkman

oh hey hey milkman it's good you're here you're working tonight milkman doing anything

anything oh okay man obviously has his usual technical problems we'll check in with him later

let's try to call that seasoning fire again lemon fucking pepper wood

this is why i stopped doing so many shows i'm just out of ideas man like i just come up with

the blameless shit i'm sorry man i try i write down ideas and i lost my notebook at the park

Fuck!

I have like eight years worth of prank call ideas in there still.

Hey, how you doing my man?

I'll just see if you still had the white oak or the cherry wood or anything, you know?

I mean...

Why not my motherfucker?

God dammit.

He's calling again!

Call the sheriff!

someone's got

someone's got the pens for sale

$2 a bag

they come in bags

I thought they were boxes

holy shit

someone just filled a garbage bag

full of supposedly clean pens

unused yet

supposedly

uh

I don't know man

they also have a round glass top

dining room table

and four chair machines

the table has a marble round piece

in the middle

wow

way to make it really heavy

for no reason

yeah

Yeah, white people and their great ideas with decorations.

Hello.

Yeah, hey, I see you got a nice round glass top dining room table, four chair machines.

Yes, I sure do.

It's cast iron.

Cast iron?

Is that cast iron or metal?

I

think it's metal all right just like steel

yeah it's a dinette table it's real sturdy um it's round and i've got four cheers that goes

with it four cheers gotcha um do you ever put uh aisle on it or aisle it a little bit you ever

wash it a lot now did you ever uh what's what's that called when you take the soap and a sponge

to clean it up you know like you do with your car what's that called uh i'm drawing a blank

it starts with a w yeah yeah it's a clean table yeah i know but what's that call i'm just i'm

drawing a blank what's that word where you clean something with a w what is that wash it wash it

wash it oh never mind uh all right yeah all right so um i see you can see you got a marble round

piece in the middle of this thing yeah it's where you you can say it you know what uh pictures you

like pictures of your family or whatever on it all right yeah because it sounds like it makes

it's kind of silly you know it's kind of stupid to have it's a marble it's a marble centerpiece

yeah all right and if you're calling if you're calling if you're calling just to make fun or

whatever then i don't need it yeah well that's not necessary to be like that i'm just calling

for it to make an offer i'm a christian man i'm sorry please i'm sorry if i offended you

you uh yeah well you kind of did because you kind of you kind of come up to me uh like as if

being a smart aleck asshole well whatever i mean can i talk to the man of the house since obviously

you're on your period or something you're all upset uh no i'm afraid not i'm 54 years old uh

i don't think you need to be talking to me like this you did and uh do what now you bitch i don't

know who you are but i think you need to go lay down somewhere another in a damn day i'll lay

lay down with you, you bitch, in your bed while your husband watches, motherfucker, you.

You heard what I said, motherfucker, you.

You're over who he is.

Listen, this is her fucking brother, and you just say one more word, buddy, one more.

Well, listen here, motherfucker, you.

I'm going to fuck your sister.

I'm going to suck your dick.

And we'll be back old as hell, buddy.

I'll punch you in the face.

I'll give you the first punch.

It doesn't bring a free one.

Well, after that, I'll pick you up off the ground.

Let's do it then, boy.

Where you want to meet at?

I'll meet you at Wal-Mart.

Wal-Mart!

Alright, I'll meet you.

Wal-Mart's in Rogersville.

When you gonna be there?

Alright.

Motherfucker.

Ten minutes.

Bring your sister along with you so when I'm done with you I'll have my way with her in my van.

I sure will.

Bring her down, motherfucker.

Alright, you go lay down with your ex-lady.

What are you driving?

I'm driving a police car cause my cousin's a policeman.

Bullshit.

My cousin's a policeman.

Bullshit, you gotta call your cousin to come solve your problem, you pussy boy.

No, I ain't gonna call the police.

You come down here like man and fight me like man.

Don't be calling the police.

I didn't say I was gonna call them.

I don't have to call the police.

You say you're coming in a police car, motherfucker.

No, I said I have family members that's cops.

So what?

I don't have to call them.

So what then?

Well, I've got your number.

My daddy's a Marine.

So what then, motherfucker?

Well, I'm glad your daddy's a Marine.

My mama was in the Navy.

Well, my daddy will kick your brother's ass, kick your sister's ass, kick your cousin's ass.

I'll burn your family and I'll burn mine.

What does that family get you?

Man, God damn it.

And I'm going to burn your car.

Okay.

All right, motherfuckers.

Yeah, I'll burn some watermelons.

Ten minutes, motherfucker, you.

But bring that table with you, you know, because I want to get that table.

All right, then.

You got the hundred bucks?

Shut up, bitch.

Here, let me tell you something, you sturdy motherfucker.

You was a good woman.

well you're still a bitch all right walmart's 10 minutes i don't think he's gonna go to walmart

walmart's it's been a while since i had someone go to the walmart in rogersville it's been a while

rogersville the last time was that guy spent 30 minutes in the parking lot looking for me

where you at where you at where you're at motherfucker that guy was funny

you flop your dick out your ass is grass i will make your faces payment that's what he said to me

You come in my car, you flop your dick out

You're dead, son

Alright

Asshole

We got someone with an Angus limousine

Crossbowl for sale

Alright, let's do it

everybody flashing fashion designer clothes lacing your click up with diamond rolls

your people how big are the sexual organs in the wood

that lady was rolling with us you mean the round parts little branches in the round parts yeah

how you doing bubba i'm doing all right how are you god damn it yeah i see you got an angus limousine

Huh?

You got an Angus limousine.

Yeah, I did have.

Okay, all right.

Are you still selling that motherfucker, or is it sold?

It's already gone.

God damn it.

Who'd you sell that shit to, motherfucker?

I'll kick their ass.

Well, I didn't know anybody wanted it.

Well, then where is it now?

He belongs to Dennis Ruppin Gray.

All right, what's his phone number?

Let's give him a call.

I don't have any idea what his phone number is.

Well, then how do you sell it to him?

You don't got his phone number.

You're pretty stupid.

stupid well they could be but i ain't calling looking for a bull on my asshole yeah bye no you

asshole wait an angus slash limousine cross also it's a bull it's an actual bull machine like a

cow like a male cow with the penis on it uh i don't know there was a kind of bull name is i knew

angus uh not limousine uh i'm over the angus thing um seriously angus fuck you with that shit

The poor man's Kobe beef

Angus

When they started selling Angus in McDonald's

I was like fuck Angus

Because I ordered that motherfucker all the time

And it tastes different than

Fucking the same Big Mac they got now

Or whatever it was

A quarter pounder

Quarter pounder Angus they had

My ass

Probably wasn't

You gotta get that shit tested when you buy

you gotta get your angus beef test you got a house for rent motherfucker

i got numbers from parkman and i got numbers from new new that kdk already called

yeah it's been forwarded to an automatic voice message

redial yay you got a house for rent still yeah i've got someone to uh that's coming

and looking for it well what if they fall through what if what if they're coloreds or something you

know what if what what if they're coloreds and you didn't know i mean maybe i could get in there

stay well you're calling from florida right yeah but you know how those people are oh yeah yeah

uh well i've got i've got quite a few standing in line so ah shit why you want to why you want

to come up here in tennessee down there in florida well because i won the lottery down here and i'm

I'm independently wealthy, and I'm trying to buy a ranch up there.

They're building a new ranch for me, a horse machine ranch, I'm going to call it.

But they're going to take some time to build a ranch.

I need to rent a house from there.

Oh, okay.

Right, right.

I'm glad you wanted to offer it.

Yeah, you want to maybe, you know, I'll take it, I don't know, you like Chipotle?

You ever been to Chipotle?

No, I've never been to Chipotle.

You want to go to Chipotle?

I can't go to Chipotle.

Are you diabetic?

diabetic but my old man would uh my old man would bring him to i'll feed him he can watch

how big are his sexual organs oh gosh put him on the phone let me i'll work it out let me talk to

him and oh no put him on i want to i want to hear about his sexual organs his sexual organs what

what kind of freak that's freaky man well you know my we get down like that in miami

me all right all right i guess i can't you know i guess not this time but it was a good time i'm

gonna have chickens and horsies you can maybe come and ride the horsey pet the chicken uh you

can feed the chickens you know i'm gonna have a garden and we can oh that's not i'm gonna grow

peppers a lot of work i'm gonna grow peppers hot peppers back there i can't believe you're

wanting to move up here though from from down there in florida where it's warm and nice like

Like a girl, you know?

Yeah.

Like a hot, sexy girl with nice sexual organs.

Damn, though, let me talk to your husband.

I'll work it out.

No, that's all right.

He probably wouldn't appreciate that.

All right, well, talk to you later, then.

Bye.

All right, bye.

Hey, well, you maybe want to come over to my housewarming party when I build a horse ranch.

Oh, I was trying to keep her on.

I'm out of ideas there.

I got weird.

Usually, like, freaks these people out when I say shit like that.

it must be like some of the few democrats in tennessee in this part of tennessee

the other day i was listening to that show that i did where i was trying to make everything gay

or just no matter who i called on these craigs no no we had a craigslist ad out there for a room

or something or a couch i don't know bullshit and everyone i called i was gonna try to get

them to hook up with me and they and like every time it was a guy like they were like oh yeah

sure whatever but i'm calling about the thing right now like they're all like down i'm like

all right why is this not pissing anyone off just kept saying stuff like yeah we'll lay out yeah it

was a bed or a mattress and i kept saying you come over you know lay on the mattress with me then

you can take it with you after this is that yeah but anyway yeah i was i think the title of that

show is what's wrong with this show because everyone kept falling you know they were fine

with my outrageousness there was even a lady who called that was i said i wanted to fuck her

husband she's like yeah yeah i mean he's into that that's cool yeah we can talk about that

but first about the bed it's like god damn it anyway incumbent cycle 100 dwight needs to get

one of those hello hey how you doing doing fine you got it you got a recumbent bike i'm doing

You're doing terrible.

You got a recumbent bike for sale?

Yes, sir, I do.

What brand is that?

Is that Sears brand?

No, hang on a minute.

I have to go into the other end of the house and look.

Yeah.

Because I really don't remember.

Yeah.

Look at your tits in the mirror while you go down there.

I'm almost there.

All right.

Okay.

It's a Westlow W-E-S-L-O suit CT42.

All right.

And did you guys use this a lot?

Do a lot of sweating?

No.

I've had it about two years.

I've got bad knees, and I bought it thinking I could use it.

I've used it about five minutes, four times, and that's all that's ever been used.

My friend Edward Call, he's here.

He had a quick question about the bicycle.

Can I put him on a second?

That'd be fine.

Go ahead, Ed.

How does your bicycle seat smell after a hard day's ride, huh?

Okay.

Question made.

Okay.

Moving right along.

Someone is in search of a 5x8 lawnmower trailer.

All right.

forwarded to an automatic it's getting the fu button there let me wrap these up they're

trying to get older here someone's got a had last a week ago tomorrow had a computer desk

armoire i'm gonna presume that's how they pronounce it here armoire armoire how much

you guys want to bet if i get him on and i get him to say it's going to be armoire

Hello?

Oh, it's a non-message.

Hello?

Message or no?

Hello?

What?

Is this a machine or someone?

Can I talk to your daddy, please?

What?

Hurry up.

Let's go.

Hello?

Sir?

Who are you talking to?

Oh, do you have a computer desk there for sale?

No, we're talking about the Arm War or whatever.

Arm War?

Is that what you said?

Yes.

I knew it.

You're fucking ignorant.

Hey, listen.

Why do you put that stupid girl on the phone?

What's that about?

out i'm not granddad calling from florida all right hey that's my son what's your lip oh that's

a boy yeah that's my son you're raising him like a girl huh who the fuck are you i'm cross what

cross cross okay what do you want why are you calling the phone calling for a stupid computer

desk and you're all the armor we'll talk about my my daughter like that you said something i don't

know you got some kind of problem with your daughter dude i would beat the fuck out of you

Alright, fine, yeah, if you think you can

I'm at Walmart

I'm at the Walmart

I'm at the Walmart right now, motherfucker

Uh, why are you calling me right now?

I'm calling for the computer desk for the third time

Stupid, dumb

Why are you talking to me like this?

Because you put your daughter on the phone

To waste my time

That's what I'm calling, boy

Yeah, uh-huh, yeah, nice long hair on her

Uh, what do you want?

Do you feel bad that you're not gonna be able to

keep your last name going

because your daughter's

going to get married and pick up

another man's last name.

I want to meet you at Walmart. You challenged

me and that's, you know, I mean

I'm a man, so I'm waiting.

Okay, uh, where are you at?

Rogersville. Okay. At Walmart?

Yeah, I'm here, motherfucker.

When are you going to be here?

So you're calling me to challenge me in a fight?

No, you challenged me. You said you wanted to beat the

fuck out of me and I said I accept your duel.

So I'm here.

You're a fag, dude.

I'm going to slap the shit out of you.

You're such a douche.

All right, so you're not coming?

You're a chicken, right?

What?

You're a chicken?

You have to be gay.

Yeah.

Do you punch about as hard as your daughter does?

You're a fucking queer, dude.

You got me.

You got me, sir.

That's right.

Yes, I'm a gay.

You're such a fag.

All right.

Yes, you're right.

Okay.

All right, man.

I'll talk to you later.

All right.

See you later, buddy.

Bye.

Okay.

This is awkward.

just a minute please while we're waiting well no no later later i want to play that where you at

that's some good shit but later later later more calls now um i'm about down down i'm about down

so let's get some parkman numbers looking and i'm looking and i see here we got a bull look at that

we got another bull yeah let me do some uh copy paste find replace magic here real quick replace

we're going to replace any instance of the left parentheses with a one parenthesis 20 occurrences

so that means looks like we got 20 numbers there okay all right i got instructions on what to spoof

my caller id as let's do that now hey boy how you doing you got a bull for sale yes sir oh nice

good good what kind of bull this is a hair ford yes sir all right what do you use that bull for

brain does a good fucking come on come on man i just talk like that man no one talks like that

here nope nope wrong button playboy magazines yeah this is mike uh sorry i missed your calls

just leave a message if you fuck up mike nope nope nope nope nope yeah this is mike uh sorry

i'm all right i give up that mallard hatching ducks ducks call them hello hey you got some ducks

Oh, we got a few.

Oh, are they hatching or are they just the eggs right now?

We sell either eggs or freshly hatched ones.

Are they good eating ducks or what are they for, just for stocking?

These are mostly just like your wild mallard type.

Yeah?

Yeah, and they're just a nice small mallard.

Good, good, because I need some nice pretty ducks to put on.

I got a new ranch out here, Horse Machine Ranch I built.

I don't know if you know where Horse Machine Ranch Road is.

No, I sure don't.

Are you at the gas station or something?

What's going on?

Uh-uh.

Oh, I'm at work.

Oh, what do you do?

What kind of work do you do?

Oh, I'm at the Falcon Jet.

You're a fucking jet?

What?

Falcon Jet down at Little Rock Airport.

I thought you said the F word.

No.

No, no, no.

Oh, because fuck that?

No, Falcon.

F-A-L-C-O-N.

Yeah, good, good.

That's good.

Yeah, so I want to take them ducks.

I want to stalk the pond I got back here.

And every once in a while, I just want to go out there and beat the shit out of them.

going to slap them it throws rocks at them okay will they stay on the property though or will

they run away i'm sure if they're throwing things at that probably don't leave well i mean they'll

they'll leave but they won't leave off my property right they won't like migrate or something will

they well yeah they might so you'd have to keep their wings trimmed oh yeah i'll keep them trimmed

and then i'll throw cherry blossoms at them all the time you know okay yeah and i got a horse

around here too um well i had a horse he ran off he's still on the property because it's all fenced

in all 80 acres are fenced in you can't get the fuck out of here i got motion sensors and everything

but uh yeah i like to shoot the gun around i don't shoot the horse but i shoot the gun in the

air around the horse you know or into the ground near the horse and he gets he gets scared he's

like he's just running and running and running i run after him like you motherfucker you like that

like that i have a good old time doing that okay yeah yeah there's one time i slapped him in the

ass really hard with a broom and he kicked the shit out of me okay all right all right uh how

big are the duck sexual organs i don't think this is gonna work all right thank you anyway

just the sexual organs on a duck i just don't know when they need some trees for the blood

to cheese for the front i don't know how big duck sexual organs are

I'm trying to pull up a link here so I can see what the fuck this baseball amusement ride is about.

It's not an amusement ride.

It's like one of those, like, how do you describe it?

It's like a giant cat toy looking thing.

It's like one, two, it's like three spheres in one, and they put you in the middle.

They strap you down, and it spins you around in all directions.

It gives you, like, six degrees of freedom, I guess.

i think that's what you describe it as you know what i'm talking about stupid

kind of like you know in the 90s you'd be that some kind of fair the downtown little touristy

district or something and they charge you five bucks to get on this thing and some guy would

just turn a crank and it's spinning around all the way wow man it's so crazy i'm gonna throw up

oh my god 90s this shit cost 1900 shit if i charge five dollars at what point do i break even not

Not including the price to haul the motherfucker around.

And possibly pay someone to be there taking the fucking things.

Jesus Christ.

That's 2,000 divided by 5.

What's that?

Like 40?

40?

Ah, damn it.

I threw that in.

Anyway.

Negro humor always escaped me.

All right, let's call.

The most mysterious monarch in all the world.

Guarded by a fighting force that never sleeps.

That never relaxes its vigilance.

For none is as feared.

None has as many foes as Doom, the awesome armor-clad lord of...

I know who Doom is.

Then tell us.

He happens to be the most dangerous man in the world.

I hope we never hear from him.

Hope we never have to battle him.

Now the worst has happened, and I must tell you what we're up against.

I first met Doom years ago, for he wanted to be alone.

Alone to pursue his forbidden experiments.

One day, while conducting a secret experiment,

us later when he recovered from his injuries instead of having learned his lesson doom was

bitter angry vengeful thought to myself my face he traveled the world seeking a cure for his

disfigured face i'm sorry sir there is nothing we can do for you traveled through remote villages

where strangers are seldom seen he continued his search never showing his face unless threatened

Threatened by bandits who prey on traps.

Yeah, hello.

Hey, you got the space machine?

Yeah, uh-huh.

How much you charge to ride that thing?

No, but I'm trying to, hey, don't be ignorant, all right?

I'm saying it because I'm thinking while buying it, but like, how much you get away with charging for it, you know, so I'm trying to...

Well, you know, I've never, actually, I've never, you know, done it like that.

We'd got it a few years ago just for the kids, and...

Where'd you get it, at some auction or something?

No, from a gentleman up towards Benton that is an older fellow that had bought it at an auction or something like years ago.

He had it out by his house, and we just stopped one day and bought it.

He was a sex offender?

Sex offender?

No, there was no telling, you know.

Oh, yeah.

Anyway, it's all there.

The seat needs recovered or what have you, but my kids always just played in it or, you know, spun around it.

Alright, can you do any fucking in it?

Any what?

Fucking.

Like, can I strap my old lady down and pork her in there while someone turns her around?

Yeah, I guess you can try.

I'll fuck her and I'll fuck her and I'll start punching her and kicking her and biting her in the face and the neck and the breasts and the sexual organs.

I'll kick her.

I'll pull her hair out and punch her in the eye.

Whoa, Jesus Christ.

What's wrong with me?

They got dark, man.

I think I'm the sexual pervert, man.

myself there jesus your call has been forwarded

to an automatic voice message system listen to my mama though okay what's next what other laws

balls can we break today uh knee scooter that's good if you break your knee not your knee if you

break your leg or your ankle explain how i might have used that when i broke my leg yeah i could

have used that motherfucker instead i just sat down all the time i should have just walked on

my cast i didn't give a shit it was the fucking plaster cast like i'm walking on it i don't give

please listen to the following

menu and make your selection

for sky city restaurant reservation

press 1

space needle security this is cindy

hey big cindy how you doing big fat girl

how you been what's up

hey looks in

I was calling because I'm gonna have a meal

there a nice meal at the restaurant a nice warm meal

I'm gonna

go ahead and propose to my girlfriend

but

But would you be able to maybe come by and just watch out for her?

Okay.

Because she gets kind of violent sometimes when I tell her the truth about stuff.

Mm-hmm.

And the truth is I fucked her sister about a year ago, so I'm going to go through,

but the first thing I have to do is tell her about how I fucked her sister, you know?

What time is your reservation?

Well, I mean, it's for like 45 minutes from now.

Okay, what was your name?

Cross.

Cross?

Yeah, Cross.

Okay. Is that your first name or last name?

That's just my name is Cross. That's how I am in the system there, Cross.

Okay.

We will have one security officer down there when you check in.

Will it be a male security officer, big, strong?

Probably.

Because she's a big girl, you know, like you.

Okay.

Yeah. I mean, maybe if you could be down there, you know, too.

I don't know. Do you have to be there watching the computer machine?

Yeah. Who is this, actually?

This is Cross.

Okay. Somebody will be down at dispatch or down in...

What?

uh what somebody will be down there to check in when when you be down there when you check in yeah

but i mean the meal i mean this is going to happen after the main course and everything you know is

when we got coffee uh we're getting our coffee on you know okay so i mean how how long the how

how backed up is the restaurant right now like how long is it going to take i have no idea well we

got to coordinate this you know okay i'll let you do that when you get here well you're gonna when

you're gonna send someone down it does i don't know well she's gonna know something's up if this

this big security guard

is hanging around the table.

Okay.

She's going to know.

I'm going to let you go.

Well, don't tip her off.

I'm going to let you go.

All right.

Motherfucker.

Goodbye.

Yeah, well,

I started incorrectly in that

because I should have just started

with the whole, you know,

going against a fight

with a wife at the table,

which I've done before.

But I want just a proposal

on the first, whatever.

Seattle-Washington ferry boat machine.

Let's call them.

Let's film a porno on the boat.

Is this a ferry boat machine?

This is Seattle Ferry.

We operate on Lake Union

on Sundays this time of year.

There's six ferry boat companies in Seattle.

Can I help you find something?

Yeah, well, I'm trying to get a hold of somebody about the boat machine.

Machine?

Yeah.

I don't know anybody that goes by that name.

Well, the boat machine goes, and it needs to go.

The boat machine goes.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Is there a, well, what I was, all right, look.

What time does the boat machine stop?

This particular company runs just on Sundays, 11 to 5.

We call the ice cream cruise.

There's six ferry boat companies.

This is the Washington State Ferry that runs 24-7.

Shut up, shut up, shut up.

The Alaska Ferry.

Shut up.

The Black Ferry.

Shut up, shut up.

What I'm asking is what time do you shut down this boat machine that you're in charge of?

We don't.

We run year-round on Sundays, and Friday and Saturdays we run in the summertime.

But I'm asking what time is done in the day.

You don't have boat machine 24-7, right, Igor?

No, the last trip is at 5 o'clock on Sundays.

That's what I'm asking you.

So 5 p.m. Sunday.

So after that, who's in charge of the boat machine?

you we just stop the boat and rest until the next sunday okay who can i talk to you about taking the

boat out on a private excursion tonight you know that's what i do yes yeah well so i'm saying you

know i'll okay i want to film a video on the boat you know i want to bang okay i got some girls some

guys for me you know laying around and stuff and we got a clown that we booked and he's going to

be doing like backflips and throwing uh you know like firecrackers and stuff off the boat and

and they're going to be doing their thing, you know, and we'll be.

This is a Coast Guard-licensed passenger vessel.

Yeah, I know, but I got money.

I'll buy you a case of beer and give you however much money you want.

No, we're not.

We didn't get one of the girls to suck your dick.

Fuck you.

I don't know, one of the guys, if that's what you want, both, whatever, man.

Call somebody else.

We don't do fireworks.

Come on, man.

I'll give you $5,000.

No, it is.

He thought about it, though.

At first, he's like, yeah, yeah.

Champion Arms Shooting Range.

Okay.

I could say the cops took my gun away last week.

Do they have any I can rent while I'm there?

Can I take it outside and bring it back later?

No.

Someone has got to shoot in the air.

I figured I'd put a target in the sky.

Thank you for calling Champion Arms.

We're currently closed at this time.

West Coast Armory.

Same question.

Can I bring a bazooka in?

No.

Where can I throw hand grenades around if I want to learn how to throw a hand grenade?

The Army?

West Coast Armory Indoor Range and Pro Shop.

To talk to the Pro Shop about firearms.

I guess.

One moment, please.

Were the Black Panthers, maybe? ISIS?

Bellevue Gun Club, this is Katrina.

Hey, big girl, how you doing?

Doing good, how are you?

I'm asking, uh, well, my cops took my gun away from me.

I got it taken away.

Can I come down there and I can rent one and do some shooting?

Um, I don't know about that.

Let me put you on hold for just a second.

All right, goddammit.

Turn up the crack.

To the top of the world.

Yeah!

oh wow it's too early

here goes my part here goes my part this bitch better not pick up now

god damn you yeah hey how you doing i was asking if i can rent a gun to shoot at

target you know where you do that uh yeah we do have firearms available for rent my understanding

was there some sort of uh legal thing going on well the pigs you know how they are they uh took

my shit away so i just got me i need to stay in practice though you know okay uh so i have some

questions about like the the status of of how the uh firearm was taken it was like is it an evidence

thing or is there some sort of conviction going on well they basically i got about 80 acres out

here i live on horse machine ranch and uh they uh dropped uh like two black helicopters landed

it and this guy dressed in black he got in my face with his fucking gun and he said you know

we didn't you didn't see us you didn't see us is what he said to me and then went through my house

and took all my guns interesting yeah and he was smoking a cigarette he flicked a cigarette at me

that's the that's the cherry on top right there yeah no seriously so that's i mean i don't know

i don't know what you know i i don't think there were uh local or state i think there were feds

i don't know i don't know if it was fucking mexicans or something i don't know well you

know neither do i uh i i think that perhaps uh making some some phone calls made like an attorney

or something like that oh they said don't they said don't that don't they said don't

well the guy i'll tell you that the guy left uh he left uh making that inadvisable call to an

attorney he left a jack of spades card on my dresser he said here like that you see if you

You need to get a hold of us.

And it's just a Jack of Spades card.

I don't get it.

The other side just says bicycle on it.

The fuck do I do with this, right?

You're going to have to ask for Anton.

Yeah, I guess so.

So, do you go to the barn or if you're with the barn?

Oh, yeah, the Farmington, right?

I was thinking Seattle.

But if you go there and you ask for Anton, he'll be able to square you away.

Oh, yeah.

Is Vendrell there, though?

Do you know Vendrell?

and mackie definitely definitely vic he's absolutely there yes curtis lemanski

yeah they fucked lemanski up the limb man that was well that was fucking vendrell that was

bullshit you know they could have just let him go to mexico shane didn't have to do that

you know he kind of lost the plot when shane when shane met the the hook the fucking whore

that that one white girl and he got married and all that he fucking fell off he was always stupid

you remember season six when he was like oh i got my own team now it's me and army rental

yeah we do our own thing when i work a vice remember he was a vice when the when the yep

when the he was like a watered down like less intelligent version of vick yeah he was just

straight up stealing money uh like out of people's houses and shit like at least vick was like we

fucking did the money train you know yeah it was it was for a good cause in the end right we needed

fucking uh new grills and boats and shit for ourselves when we retire because they're fucking

cops and it was i'll be fine i hope to god there's cops out there like vick mackie and the rest of

the members of the strike team that was a great show like it had probably one of the best fucking

senses oh yeah internal like continuity oh yeah it's fx's best show by far you ever watch that

Watch that Americans, Americans, man.

Yeah, I've heard really good things.

I haven't seen it, though.

I've heard really good things, but I haven't seen it.

It's the best show no one's watching, man.

Watch that Americans, I'm telling you.

Look, I've got to go.

I've got people on hold.

I've got to take a hard break.

It was good talking to you, man.

God damn it.

You'll be good.

Hey, what my main plan was, I was going to say if I could put a target on the ceiling

to practice shooting up in the air.

That one's going to be a hard pass.

Yeah, all right.

All right, well, thanks, man.

I'll take care of it.

Bye, I've got to go.

Be good.

talking some shield man it's a good fucking show though he's right that was good that was good

enjoyed that all right we got the news tip hotline report the crazy situation that happened to jayad

where he was filming called the mass diffusion brad already told everyone what happened in the

show did he okay i'm not supposed to talk i don't know if i'm supposed to talk about it there's

things happening just keep your eyes your balls as milkman would say keep your ear balls

anyway where was i the tip hotline

i just like calling a tip hotline and just saying the plot to dumb movies when i was a kid

so if you're out there in social media or a chat room or whatever it may be give me an

you send me a movie the title of a movie from late early 80s early 90s and i'll call in and

report i got i'd have to think movies that came in let me think of a year 1989 let's see i'm gonna

wikipedia 1989 in movies is that a category let's see 1989 in film okay indiana jones and the last

crusade oh batman back to the future part two look who's talking look who's talking yo this is

baby and he talks lethal weapon two there you go that'd be cool ghostbusters two honey i shrunk

this is the highest grossing born on the 4th of july a little i think lethal weapon 2 would be

our best bet let me go to the plot of lethal weapon 2 one year after the events of lethal

weapon lapd sergeant martin riggs and roger murtaugh are pursuing unidentified suspects

transporting an illegal shipment of gold kruger ants uh-huh oh those are the old apartheid money

Wow, apartheid

What a dated fucking thing

Now I gotta bring up Afrikaner apartheid

Which hasn't existed in 20 some years

Okay

You should call about the S.H.I.E.L.D. plot

From the S.H.I.E.L.D.

Yeah, Terry Crowley, just go shut up

Detective

Hey, I needed to call in

There's crazy things happening over here

You guys, I don't know if you knew already

On the wire

Well, there's this

There's a couple of cops

cops like on uh they're like regular clothed cops you know and they were like chasing these

suspects i guess they were transporting an illegal shipment of gold gold money some kind

of gold money okay saying yeah and where are you located uh i'm down here downtown okay all right

well i'll look into it well i mean i got more info there the it was like a these apartheid

government people from south africa and they were taking orders uh to the los angeles consul general

okay and then uh i started asking him more about it and he said that he was security agent he said

peter vorstett and um he said he he he wasn't gonna make it but he said that he was trying to

warn these two cops um that uh they need to be reassigned to protect like this federal witness

and his name was leo getz he said right and it soon became clear to me that i think both of

these cases were related sort of thinking about you know and then there was someone tried to kill

leo the the informant you know the federal witness and then the two cops were um they

heard about the his he has like a laundering money laundering past right for like these drug

drug smugglers are really vengeful and then um i guess so like he eventually took them to where

the gang was but um he like got rid of the assassin and all that and then he was coming

back with backup and they confronted him and then he because he's like he said he had a diplomatic

immunity which that i started i looked it up and that's not a thing that's not even a real thing in

a case like this diplomatic community you know and he doesn't know he doesn't even know that

and they're really him and his associates are both unscrupulous i'll tell you sounds very

interesting yeah and then um you know they told riggs the like to leave the case alone

and then he started harassing like the south african consulate and like he told the guy he

said that he was gonna bang his secretary he said like that i'm sorry for using that language

and then uh there was this chick uh the secretary she's like there's a liberal

um africaner from south africa you know she hates her boss and his racial philosophy well thanks so

much for your call okay how big are your sexual organs all right that was going nowhere that story

sucked for that all right new news says i need to call the roosevelt motor in and ask for patel

okay there are being sued for letting underage girls get fucked there jesus christ i can't call

there i can't call there it's in a zone that's termed as hands off for prank calls sorry nope

nope nope nope nope nope nope nope can't call that one but i'll call the next one you sent

which is the bognese takeaway yeah let's do it this is in england bognese takeaway the owner is

in prison for being a pervert and they get angry and they close in 55 minutes which was 19 minutes

minutes ago okay never mind there we go yeah nunu thank you so much good work good job asshole

all right send more sign nunu send more good numbers that kdk hasn't called yet please

look in here let me close some tabs that don't need to be open such as the tobacco sitter the

cup cadet close this classified ads one that's getting kind of late to do those be called about

the space ball should have done the little mermaid if if i have another one i'll do the

little mermaid that's very appropriate since i guess there's a remake coming out of that

fucking movie i never watched that skate because i'm a boy i got a request to call the lows in

honolulu and ask for our friend larry okay yeah sure let's see you there he's on us man he doesn't

honolulu hi i think this is the right one should be by the kmart kind of near the kmart which i

I don't see now.

It's probably closed

because they fucking suck.

For calling loans.

Para instrucciones en espanol,

marque tres.

For directions to the store,

press one.

For store hours,

press two.

To reach a department directly,

press five.

I think this guy's

probably been called a lot

by fans of the show

just from listening to the show.

For information on deliveries,

press one.

For scheduled information,

When I don't make it a secret

as to where I'm calling,

yeah, that usually happens.

Press 4.

Nah, it won't no matter what.

For building materials, press 5.

Oh, they changed their options.

Press 6.

Hardware and tools.

Yeah.

Press 7.

Yeah.

Transferring to hardware and tools.

Please hold.

He's a stranger.

Hey, is Larry there?

Larry is gone for the day.

He's in tools.

Oh, this is not tools?

This is hardware, no.

Well, it said hardware and tools.

I don't understand why you pick up then.

Ignorant.

The phone, because the call came to me.

All right, well, is your computer turned on?

I'm with a customer right now.

Okay, well, let's go, let's go.

I need help.

You know, why don't you pick up?

If you have a customer, then just say, hey, can you hold?

You know, come on.

You want to speak to somebody in tools?

Yeah, I mean, or can you help me?

I don't know.

I can't help you right now, sir.

Kanaka.

I have customers right in front of me.

Kanaka.

Put my mute on there.

Hopefully I don't forget I have mute on.

I usually do.

But I take a long time.

We'll just sit here and listen to the chill music

While I continue organizing myself

And we wait for this man to bring us alcohol

Send me any numbers you want

Now's the time

I had more than 20 numbers

I got plenty here

Endurance car warranty coming up next

After this

Alright now we're on proper hold

Good time to go get some water

Go urinate a little bit

Let me just call again on the other line

I like to do that

we can get faster satisfaction let's do it i need option seven for department thank you for calling

three but i'll tell you hello yeah hey i need tools let's go let's go all right cool tools

tools i need tools let's go uh let me get you to the right department god damn it oh here comes

the hang-up song everybody no he didn't hang it up right oh man i really wanted to hear it

i didn't get it i missed my hang-up song department call me speaking up now hey how

you doing big girl hi hey uh i was talking to a young man there and he said he had a customer

and he was going to take care of me because i wanted him to get you know the points you know

for the commission oh uh do you know who you're speaking to uh i usually talk to larry there he's

the guy with the big sexual organ but he's he said he was gone so i wanted to call and speak

sorry he's actually not here today yeah um well maybe you can help me out sure what do you mean

i need this right here uh an item number for it for it no it's it's right here this one right

here i'm showing you oh that's not how telephones work well do you have a view to you could turn

the viewer on i'm showing on my camera on my phone not landlines but uh so what is it exactly

uh i can give you the skew this is the skew number maybe sure yeah it should be a six digit

or five digits four three four five two zero and read that out to me please uh i got zero three

four five two zero no four three four five two zero shit four three four five two zero okay

oh there it is the the barbecue seasoning yeah what's it called though what's the brand name

Rub some butt.

Yeah, I want to go there.

I want to put your pants down and rub your butt.

Rub it all over that.

That big ass of yours.

Are you Kanaka or Howley?

Hello?

Hey, do you eat fish or hot dogs?

That's how they hang out now.

It's just a quiet.

We lost our song, everyone.

We lost our song.

That weird song, whenever we called any lows, when they hang up,

it always transferred us to this nice, pleasant song,

which I've heard at other places that I've called as their hold music.

whatever that's on youtube mad hell lock mad hell lock if you're listening get that song

and put it on youtube no tinkling song call back a different department random department let's do

it yeah

yeah seven four four one nine two seven four seven four four one nine two let's go stupid

she hung up or she's just there i gotta take it easy i gotta take it easy i can't be a mean

off the top milkman was alive and here he'd be saying that recipes that's milkman dying last

ask me whatever called different laws i don't care what the fuck maybe i ran out of credits

usually says if you run out of credits has a credit message

fuck all circuits are busy maybe there's a national emergency uh let's play a little bit

of what you where you at remember that i said i was gonna play that where you at for those who

don't know what i was talking about but for those who do would like to hear it this is from september

7th, 2015. You can get this

now at madhouselive.com

and the show on live.

Alright, let me see. I gotta find it. I gotta find it.

The horses will be tied. 12, Caldey Road.

Let's see if I can find it. That's right.

How much? How many? Turn it on.

Turn on the car. Alright, he's talking about how much it is.

Hey, man. Right here, you know.

This might be a good thing.

Fuck Walmart. Fuck Walmart.

Can you flop your dick out in your ass for a crack?

Guys, we want to hear all that. Alright, here we go.

I'm right back. I'm going to check on this credit

a situation might end up taking a break i don't know i'll be better where are you at i'm in my

car i feel bad now i'll give you some cash where are you at i'll give you where you at i'll give

you cash where you at where i'm at um yeah where are you uh i'm in my car here in the walmart's

yeah what kind of car are you driving where are you at i'm in walmart too i know i feel bad all

right how about what if i did this what if i had someone send you some money money gram uh how you

you know, right now, to the Walmart.

To the Walmart, I can get you some money, money, Graham, to help you out.

Just come face me, face to face.

I ain't going to do nothing to you.

I swore on my life.

I swore on my kid's life.

No, no, don't say that.

No, don't say that.

Come on.

No, no, don't say that.

I ain't going to do nothing to you.

Jesus, what I was trying to do is unmute my microphone correctly here.

It is a credit thing.

I'm at negative .002 cents right now.

So let's get some more of that.

Yeah.

I ain't mad at you.

No, I'm a chicken.

I'm a chicken. I'm a yellow chicken. I can't. I got problems. I have problems. I don't care what you are, man. I don't care what kind of problems you got. I got problems now. You just caused me to have problems.

How much you think I would... I'm sorry. How much was it? I'll get you back.

Dude, it cost me 15 bucks to come down here and to go back home.

How would it cost you 15 bucks to come down?

I'm coming all the way from...

Oh, shit, motherfucker. Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

Man.

You had me believing that I was actually about to start a job.

A good job, right.

Yeah, but you got a DUI.

That's the problem.

When you're driving around and you had a DUI, you can't do that.

My DUI was in a totally different state, and it's taken care of.

It's catching up to you, though, probably, you know?

How is it catching up to me?

Because they got new laws now that they mix all the states together on one master record.

Oh, no, they don't.

I just got a background check done the other day, and it wasn't even on it.

so i know better than that i'm sorry i'll get you back i promise i'm gonna get you back

where you at where you at you're gonna get me back right now no no no i can't because you're

gonna hit me i don't want i ain't gonna hit you i ain't gonna hit you if you get me back i ain't

gonna hit you yeah you are no i ain't i can't get you back now i ain't gonna hit you i only

have like i think four dollars and some change in my in my uh dash in my console you know like a pot

are you a pothead yeah yeah really yeah yeah i can tell you're a pothead you sound like a pothead

yeah hey i can also let you know that the honest truth i i don't have a job i'm sorry

that i don't have a job i didn't that wasn't for real that i had that job yeah i know you

wasn't i don't know if you thought maybe there was a chance still you know i'm sorry all right

but look i can get you back i'll get you back what i'll do is i'm gonna money gram i'm gonna

of money, grab me some money enough to cover

your gas. I'll get you, like, maybe, like,

30 bucks or something. When?

Um, um, I mean,

is the counter open now? Like, are they open

there now? The customer service? It should be.

I don't think, I think they don't do

money grab at this time, though. When are you

going to get me back, dude? Because I seriously... Look, man, if you

could, if you could, if I tell you, if I tell

you where you are, you gotta, I want you to sit down

on the car with me, and I'm gonna jack

off. No, you're not. I'll beat the

fuck out of you if you do something like that to me.

I will beat the hell out of you all over

this goddamn parking lot you see what you say you said you won't you said you won't i'll beat

the fuck out of you you said you won't you said you wouldn't i had your i had your word you

wouldn't do that yeah you let me sit down in car with you and you flop your dick out your ass

for grass son three hundred dollars you all over this goddamn parking lot i will make your face

this goddamn pavement you understand me you son of a bitch 300 understand me i hope you fucking

You can see me, you cocksucking son of a bitch.

I will beat the fuck out of you.

God damn.

You just made me waste my baby's diaper money to come down here to your ass, you motherfucker.

You understand me?

Oh, you weren't going to get $15,000.

Don't embellish about the diaper money.

Don't even start that.

No.

Do you know what it's like?

Do you have wick?

Do you even know what it's like?

Why don't you have wick?

Wick?

Wick does not cover diapers, you son of a bitch.

Oh, it doesn't?

No, it doesn't.

tickets for fucking food yeah baby formula you can get diaper card you got diaper card

no i don't get no diaper card you can get it off the goddamn government but you need help

i'm trying to help you why did you have a baby it's two months old dude but why i had my baby

in june why why though what happened why do i have a baby yeah because i fuck women all right

Hey, I'm not no fruit loop like you are.

Why don't you put on a rubber or something like that?

Why don't you just show your fucking face?

No, but I'm asking, how come your girlfriend got pregnant?

Is she even around anymore, or did you get rid of her?

Yeah, she's at home waiting for me, thinking I'm out here getting a job

when I wasted the goddamn last bit of money I had getting out here to your ass for nothing.

Is she white?

Yeah, she's white.

Oh, good, good.

All right, that's good, that's good.

um man pull my fucking chain step out and show yourself step out and show yourself all right

here i am where you at i'm gonna start coming to every goddamn car in this parking lot until i

find you i'm taking my seatbelt understand me i will fucking find you and i will destroy your

goddamn ass you understand me i'm taking off the seatbelt hang on step out step out i can't do it

i can't do it no i'm scared step out you're where you at you know you're you're kind of close to me

but kind of not and i'm getting real nervous because you got like this red vein on your head

right now i ain't got no red hanging on my head vein you got like a vein like you look real pissed

off i am real pissed off because i spent the last dime i had getting out here to look for a job

that ain't happening so hell yeah i'm mad did you apply for a job at walmart because they might be

hiring though this might be a good thing fuck walmart fuck walmart i got a family i don't

need no goddamn minimum wage bullshit hey you see what i mean that with that attitude you're

never going to get anywhere you know i i'm too good for what do you want to how much you want

to make it where you at where you at where you know you need to you need to go in a walmart

right let's go together and we'll they have a computer there you can step out step out your

car we'll go in the walmart together they have a computer computer kiosk and i'll help you i'll

help you fill it out and you can put me as you can put me in your car come on come on walk in

all right the shit's fixed but i want to keep playing this i haven't heard this in a while

and they like this i'll do more pranks and then i'll take a break but i want to hear a little

bit more of this excuse me thank you come on come on get out of your car let's go where you at where

you at where you at i'm across fucking parking lot looking for you that's where i'm at i don't

see you anymore i don't know where you walked in come back over here again where you at you

in that blazer down there oh shit oh yeah you're in that fucking blazer ain't you son of a bitch

oh shit hang on let me put my pants back on before you come in here hang on you're in that

fucking blazer ain't you oh shit you're in that fucking blazer aren't you come on let's why don't

you try to get a job at walmart with me i'll help you out i'll talk to the manager where you at

where you at motherfucker i told you where i'm at come on get out all right here i am i'm right here

yeah yeah yeah all right where you at oh god where are you at dude where you at show your face i'm

I'm not, I was just, I just, listen, what if I just show you my dick and not my face?

Like, can you just look at my dick?

Where you at?

I'll cover my face.

Where you at?

No, that's enough.

That's enough.

Please.

Thank you.

Shut up.

All right.

Back to the show.

Oh, no.

You're going to hit me.

All righty.

Glenwood RV Resort Machine.

Was that where we were at?

Remind me.

What were we at?

I think I tried calling Tool World again, and it was failing.

I moved on from that, right?

Shit, what was I doing?

Let me go to the map.

Was it something here?

Ah, yeah, so it's a different Lowe's.

Got it.

Hey!

Hi, how you doing?

Yay!

7-4-4-1-9-2.

Hey, what was that?

7-4-4-1-9-2.

And what is that, sir?

That's the item number.

Okay, were you wanting to check availability?

Well, put it in there, and you tell me if you can pull it up.

Tell me what you got.

okay hang on one second let's go let's go number seven four four one nine two third time sir sorry

whatever uh nope that's a non-stock item sorry damn it it's special order only so what is it

online what is the special order make sure you got the right damn thing um well you can order

it online and it will be delivered here to the store it's just not something that we stock like

Hello? What item is it? Do you have? Can I confirm?

This is a Kohler toilet.

Okay, that's where I can take a shit in? Take a shit in that thing?

Yeah. Yeah, they got rid of the hang-up zone. They got rid of the hang-up zone.

I don't want to call that one again. They're way too busy.

Shit. Try this one.

Ah, Nunu is boring the toilet.

for information on deliveries press one transferring to hardware and tools please hold

seven four four one nine two is that an extension you're giving me no it's seven four four one nine

two four four put it in the computer the computer okay so you want to check to see if we have that

item number seven four four one nine two one nine two what do you get oh it's a special order

uh let's see it says toilet yeah yeah all right so um you don't sell that but you can get it

delivered here right and i come pick it up because i don't want that delivered in my house i don't

need people to know i got this fancy toilet oh okay because i'm using i'm using it because i'm

gonna take a nice girl like you you know and i'd use it and then i'd stick your face in it

yeah it's real hot it's a gray one it's a pretend it's a prison you know okay well let me see if our

um security our specialist in plumbing um can get that ordered for you all right yeah we'll

go ahead and set it up all right yeah and then you could come clean it since you're a girl

yeah okay yeah okay all right one moment all right we'll be in transfer it's a fucking 730

dollar fucking toilet is that how much it costs to buy a toilet fucking kohler man and kohler is

a fucking white people run you need to get moan m-o-e-n moment moan faucets and toilets that's

the shit that kohler shit fucking bullshit that shit makes you itch i had a boss once last name

kohler and every time i use the toilet to work it's a kohler and i take a big shit yeah hey i

Yeah, I was talking about the Kohler toilet.

Okay, how may I help you?

Yeah, were you the one that was going to come over and clean it?

No, sir.

All right, can you put me through?

I mean, I'm trying to call the plumbing.

They're supposed to put me through, but I think the girl that picked up before, since she's a woman, she didn't know how to hit the buttons right, and no one picked up.

It came back.

I think she called.

I'm a woman also, and we all know how to push buttons, sir.

Yeah, but maybe she transferred it to you instead of the right department because she's a woman.

I don't know.

Do you have a button there that says transfer, honey?

You hit that first?

and then you put in the code that says on the paper like that there you go she got it oh wow

do i was calling wow dwight dwight's got to wait till after the break i'm busy right now

what else can we look up at lowe's anything with ass in it ass big ass fans it says big ass fans

big ass fans really oh i gotta do that next yeah straight up big ass brand fans 84 inch

yeah that's a big ass fan 2600 jesus christ big ass fans yeah i have item number 722731

okay can you put that in the computer you know if we have that yeah can you tell me what you've

got please 722731 hold on let's go 722731 to be rude well you know this is the third person i

i talk to and they're all female so i'm just saying anyway i'm gonna do big ass fans i can't

break till we do big ass fans let's find another lows hey hey what's happening good i got item

number seven two two seven three one what does that mean to me put it in the computer let's go

Where are you?

I'm on the phone.

7-2-2-7-3-1.

Yeah, but I'm in the back of the store not even close to a computer.

Ah, well, shit.

Why'd you pick up then, man?

Come on.

I got to talk to someone and look this up in a computer.

Well, I can do that.

What's the number?

God damn.

7-2-2-7-3-1.

Let me know what you got there.

Okay, it'll take a couple minutes for me to find it.

Why don't you just put me through to the front desk?

Because I was calling for tools and you picked up.

what are you doing back there you horsing around i'm i'm the tool guy uh on a break right now

i would hey man you're not supposed to be picking up the phone on break what are you stupid

you're not getting paid for this what's wrong with you that gets the company in trouble yeah

next thing you know that guy's over there talking to the union yeah well i picked up the phone when

they used to call me motherfucker you're not supposed to the fucking walmart's low you don't

work off the clock hey big girl i got item number here for you you ready seven two two seven three

one uh for a sos feeling fan well what brand you got there um it says baf 2025 did you pull

it the full thing i mean that's not what it says here it has three words there one second let me

switch computers let's go let's go yep what's that item number again seven two two seven three

one oh yeah can you please confirm to me what this item is the big ass fan all right that's 84

inches all right do you think that'd be big enough to cover your big ass your big fat ass

you got a big nice ass on you yeah ass ass ass i should have played that i missed my big chance

talking about ass this motherfucker stores are busy aren't they he's like huh see where it was

is going it's like ah shit this motherfucker here i'm gonna ask me to say big ass next one

let's do one more big ass here trying to get a lot of pranks in for you or take that break

hey how you doing there good evening good hey motherfucker uh i have an item number that's

seven two two seven three one are you what is it uh seven two two seven three one can you confirm

Affirm that for me, please.

That is a special order letter?

That's right.

You can get it delivered there.

What brand and what model is that?

It says, but aluminum silver.

See, where's the other computer?

I'm sorry?

Where's the other computer that has it, the other computer?

What other computer?

The other computer that you use that has the full description.

You're using the register, the POS?

What are you doing?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, you're pulling up on a computer machine.

Okay, hold on.

Let's go.

the computer that knows curse words is it snowing yet is it i can't see from here oh i see snow on

top of roofs is it roofs or roofs is it just me or people did it not was the plural form not always

roofs and people are just saying roofs now left and right am i right or am i wrong fuck this shit

here still waiting here waiting on my life tools this is glenn how can i help you hey big fat glenn

can you uh pull up this uh item number please see if you got it what do you want now item number i

got for you can you put it in the computer machine uh yeah seven two two seven three one hang on a

second hang on i'm not that's right screen oh are you in the pos or the computer machine i'm in on

the ipod okay good okay what's the number seven two two seven three one seven three one yeah it's

a ceiling fan yeah what brand name you got there bubba it's a big ass fans 84 inch it's an 84 inch

uh silver one right silver and yellow yes 20 25 2600 bucks that's a big ass fan though right

that's like six blades so um that's a special one now you yeah but they'll you'll deliver down

there don't start that with me now because i can't have people getting this here i need to

delivered there to pick up in the store all right yeah well you just have to uh you can order it

online or whatever you want to do yeah 84 inches though right is that right you what 84 inches right

is that right 84 let me see let me click on it see if it gives me more yeah 84 inches 84 inch

big ass fan yeah 70 feet wide yeah you think that's big enough for your big fat ass the big

fat ass on you enough for what big enough for your big fat ass your big fat ass i don't know

about mine well you got a pretty big ass for over here where i'm looking you got a pretty big ass

yeah better take a good look again well i'm not a gay if that's what you want you go to hell

mother fuck you all right i have nothing wrong with homosexuals i'm a liberal and i love gay i

like gay people i like them a lot don't worry about it guys that was just a joke i'm for real

though that's a joke man that little shit takes way too long right different shit um when we come

back maybe i don't know new sent more numbers no he didn't or no he sent a taxi number okay wow

you're like uk godfather now yeah yeah you're stepping up in the world a little bit i got more

numbers from the park man i got more numbers from google and i got a whole list of them on gort

super exciting all right i'll be back in about nine ten minutes something like that no guarantees

give or take 15 minutes shut up carlito back i'm here with dwight mccarnor uh hello there we go

what was that was that your mom oh no my girlfriend was sitting in my chair yeah your

girlfriend right uh-huh yeah yeah okay that's awesome hey right dwight has a girlfriend yeah

right yeah is that what you're using to mess with people or is you really have you don't have

a girlfriend oh yeah because i'd put my girlfriend out to fucking start doing shit like that yeah

that used to go on a lot and um fucking when we used to do syndicate radio people would

random fucking cams and shit of people i used to do that i used to just

get like random like just girls just sitting there and i go on um what was that called chat

roulette oh yeah yeah and then i just cut it with me like oh shit she's going rogue

holy shit i'd cut it and make a weird uh ugly face at the camera and it freaked people out

anyway very funny story very funny

you have a video on reddit what's that about what video is this

oh it's uh i i put up the waffle house meltdown video okay uh basically i called a waffle house

and uh these well first off these stupid ass people were well they were drunk first and then

And then they were at the Waffle House streaming.

Right.

And so I figured out which Waffle House they were at because I was on their page.

I could find out what club they were at earlier in the night.

So I found the nearest Waffle House.

And I called and said I was from Waffle House Security.

Okay.

It's a Waffle House Security.

Yeah.

I wanted to know why they were shoving waffles down the front of their pants.

And she was like, excuse me?

And I said, yeah, the lady that's with you, she has a white shirt.

on in the jeans and the horse weave she's shoving waffles down the front of her pants while she puts

her on and i started telling her the story again and she totally starts freaking out after i say

i can't tell the difference between horse and rat weave

and uh they start just fucking going insane in there and getting all pissed and which is a horse

weave like a good weave i don't know i mean it was she has a horse here when i reference a horse

sweet though they get really angry yeah i think isn't the most expensive one just like jewish

women get the haircut out in israel and they sell it to it's like the most i think that's i don't

know there's a movie it's a chris rock movie like a documentary he made on good hair and that's

women's like weaves and they're straightening hair straightening and stuff it's an awesome

fucking movie hey go ahead i'm sorry no no it went on for like 11 minutes but uh uh someone

who subs to uh my youtube decided they're like oh this shouldn't have under a thousand views and

they went and put it up on reddit and now it's like over 7 000 like after one day good man push

for them subs you need subs man's what you need because once people subscribe to your shit you're

gonna you're gonna do pretty good i think because you get some really good pranks man because you've

always done different stuff you didn't just you know sit there and just do pranks you actually

had the well you had the webcam ones those are really good i know you don't really do those

anymore, because that was just a

Flan Foss camera, right?

That's been patched since then,

so they're eventually going to drop out.

Anyway, and you got the Facebook Live

is your thing also.

I'm putting a section up now called the Facebook

Ghetto, where it's not even really pranks, it's just

ghetto-ass shit that's going on

on Facebook that people should see.

The Facebook Ghetto Report.

Yeah, that's what it's... I think I named

the section Welcome to the Facebook Ghetto.

Nice.

I got one that I'm getting ready to put out

probably pretty soon it's uh these guys were riding around looking for his friend's stolen car

oh was this shit this shit made it i was about to say because that shit was hilarious

yeah yeah i got it um you remember when i called the hotel when they were looking for it yeah

no i felt i kept falling in and out of sleep during that but i could just wake it up and

hear like my shit my fucking car is like wrecked and the cops were there pulling bricks of weed

out of the car and shit yeah the guy yeah the bitch crashed it into that person's house yeah

um i i put uh i put the bad boys theme song to it like when they first pulled up and jumped out

right there fucking bad boys theme song hits watch out that it doesn't make the whole thing

muted you end up posting it again uh it shouldn't because i kept it real short okay uh the first

edit i did i realized it was too long it was almost 45 seconds i think if you keep it under 30

yeah they can't do shit it's fair use maybe another trick i've heard is that if you um

um make it play a little faster a little slower not where it's disruptive but it gets by the the

algorithm a little better i guess yeah see the thing is it'll it'll tell me like within

a couple minutes of being uploaded it'll shoot me a notification to my email uh just tell me

all i have to do is remove it and uh and just fix it or just take it out completely i mean

it just adds a little comedic value to it but i know i'm just i'm just suggesting because the

The only other option, really, is to get, like, that open-source crap.

It's a song that kind of sounds like it, probably.

It's fucking a whole, like, 50,000 YouTubers have already used it.

Well, it's funny.

Those guys, too, like, they were attributing, like, the cops had saw them driving around on Facebook Live looking for the car.

I'm like, no, no, they didn't.

But did you ever actually call the dude, or were we?

I can't remember that.

Yeah, he went to a hotel looking for it.

I called the hotel trying to get a hold of him.

Uh-huh, okay.

And she wouldn't give him the phone, but she passed on all of my messages.

And I said that I took the car and that he needs to get a room and let me suck his dick and I'd give him the car back.

I don't remember any of this.

Yeah, it's all on there.

I cut it down quite a bit because it was like a three-hour video of them chasing around this car.

Do you have them pulling the brakes of weed out of the car?

Oh, yeah, I got all that apart from when they find the car and the cops are searching through shit.

But were the cops like, this is your fucking weed, now you're arrested?

Were they like that at all?

No, not at all.

But the one guy, he started, like, the cops were real loose with this crime scene.

Like, literally, like, started pulling shit out.

And, like, these guys are up there, like, rummaging through the fucking car.

I'm like, you're playing pretty fast and loose.

The fucking OJ trial.

Yeah, it's like, you haven't even caught this woman yet.

And you're fucking just letting these guys rummage through it.

And he found, like, another pill bottle or something.

and he's like officer there's more drugs in here you're contaminating the crime scene i'm pretty

sure they might have been his and he was just like oh that's a free pass man i'll just fucking

say they're theirs yeah oh no that's none of that's mine crazy shit did you hear the did you

hear the shield related prank call earlier no i didn't i i um i just got on i got back from the

gym and uh turned on skype and somebody was like oh carlito's on in the uh the rust rejects

conversation i was like oh shit let me see if he's still on that reminds you i gotta i gotta

promote that but before i know you missed a prank call i was trying to prank some guy

and it ended up becoming like a shield conversation about the shield like we were both talking about

how much we like the shield and stuff that happened in the shield it was a cool dude

you missed that because i know you're a big fan of the shield so oh yeah i could watch that series

over and over yeah that and the sopranos like it's straight up just leaving the background

around random episodes and be totally blind you know i mean yeah what i'm psyched for is one of

my other favorite uh shows the the prison break it's actually coming back yeah you always like

that prison break yeah yeah it's coming back in april okay well cool again i mean i saw it the

first season i just know the guy had some tattoo of the prison and yeah brother yeah the uh the

blueprint of the prison yeah like but it all disguised in tattoos yeah and uh he eventually

eventually gets those removed and shit oh yeah like many many seasons down the road

because they laser them all off they redesigned the prison so he had to get new one that no no

i doubt anyone's going back to watch the series now so i don't feel bad about this but

he actually fucking died in in the end oh wow from he had some type of brain disease and shit

but now he's he's alive so they gotta fucking explain that how the fuck he's back okay all

All right, I'm looking for a...

I was going to call Lowe's some more and maybe look for...

They don't really have anything too risque in there for sale other than toilets

and then they've rubbed some butt seasoning they sell in the barbecue section.

So I get to other stuff.

I don't know how much longer I'm going to go on because I'm starting to get tired,

but I'm here for now.

You got me.

Let's look at Parkman numbers.

Oh, fuck yeah.

I was trying to go on Facebook Live on the Dwight account for a few minutes

and I couldn't figure out the audio issue.

i got wirecast i was trying to use that i named the cast i'm carlito and i go

hey big david this is the rv resort i'm not at the resort but i manage it well that's what i'm

asking is this the rv resort like you pick up the phone for it this is the phone number right

hey girl not the emergency number what can i do for you i'm not looking for an emergency sir

i didn't call the emergency line i'm sorry if i bothered you while you busy or something

well it's almost midnight well yeah well i mean i'm trying to figure out if i can bring my

my rv down there because i got a problem i'm on the road and i need to put two awnings on each

side and then you jump snake river canyon you got me kind of lost are you looking for a place

to camp tonight are you looking for what i'm on my way to snake river canyon we're gonna

jump the the rv we're gonna have a jump over the snake river canyon but we're in the area now we

We need to stop because it's getting late and there's ghouls out and zombies and stuff.

You're trying to find a place to camp tonight.

Yeah, but is it safe there?

Yeah, it's extremely safe at our place.

Well, I don't know, but is there any weird kind of characters that walk around making noise like that or anything?

I feel like I'm getting pranked.

No, not at all.

Do you have a lake there?

Yeah.

Is it a safe lake?

As I said, are you trying to camp tonight on your way to Snake River Canyon?

yeah and the shitters are what difference would a lake make if you're well because

the shitters are full so i figured i could you know hook the hose up and

dump it into the lake if it's safe you know you know i don't have time for this thank you

well the shitters are full what can i do well you got a place where i can connect the hose

to the shit machine i i i think you're just pulling my chain and i don't need to be wasting

shut up fuck you shut up asshole motherfucker you cracks me up every time gosh

Ah, shut up.

I've been doing that lately.

Ah, all right.

You ever accidentally do that to your wife?

Yeah, all the time.

I throw my hands up and I do that.

Ah.

What are you talking about?

We were talking.

I don't even know what it is.

Ah.

The problem.

It'd be funny as shit if you're doing it in your sleep and she's trying to wake you up.

Cut it out.

I tried to wake her up the other night and she was shushing me.

I'm like, all right, fuck you.

She was like, fuck you.

She said, wake you up.

Thank you for calling.

All calls will be recorded for quality assurance purposes.

A live team member will be with you momentarily.

Thank you for calling in vehicle protection.

This is Ayesha.

How can I help you today?

Hi, Ayesha.

Hi.

That was a song.

Remember ABC?

Ayesha.

You got the big tits and the pussies, man.

I wanted to see if I could put my machine on coverage.

Okay.

So are you calling to sign up for vehicle protection?

Yeah, I got a four-year-old Mustang.

I need to get protected.

And you said it's a Mustang?

Yeah, four-year-old Mustang.

I got it in 09.

And what is the make of the Mustang?

2013.

What am I talking about?

The make?

Yes.

I don't know, like Palomino's son?

I don't know.

It was a black Mustang.

You said it's a 2013?

Yeah, it's four years old, this motherfucker is.

And you're not sure if it's a GMC Plymouth?

I don't know.

It's a Mustang.

I don't know.

It's a horse machine.

machine um do you have the paperwork in front of you where i can get the name the make of it

it's important for us to have the make you don't know what kind of make a mustang is

no sir i'm sorry i'm gonna transfer it over to my supervisor because i'm gonna have a fit i'm

gonna yell and say really shit i'm gonna regret this is bobby i can help you but let me have the

make of the mustang make of a mustang yes sir you don't know who makes the goddamn mustang

No, sir, I do not.

Okay, it's a Honda.

Okay.

Yep.

And it's a Mustang.

It's a 2013, correct?

Yep, 2013 Honda Mustang.

Okay.

How many miles does the vehicle have?

It's got, let's see what the paper had.

It's got 100,000 miles on it.

100,000 miles?

Yeah, 100,025 to be exact.

Okay, thank you.

And we have your first name.

would this be uh for you or the first gentleman that was on the phone uh it's for the first

gentleman yeah it's for me big bitch okay i'm gonna place you on a free fall oh here we go

she must be menstruating i didn't mean to just throw you in there but i was just like

trying to get her to think it's a horse and she said i don't know what a foreign mustang is

look you i'm gonna call his dad instead we end up with a fucking honda mustang

yeah her boss is probably grilling first of all you don't know what a fucking mustang make is

Thank you for calling.

All calls will be recorded for quality.

How does she have this job?

This is not like a basic, I mean, how do you not know of a Ford Mustang?

Yeah, especially a Mustang.

Jesus.

Next thing you should be asking, what make a Corvette is.

Yeah.

What make a Corvette is your Jeep?

Thank you for calling Endurance Vehicle Protection.

This is Ayesha.

How may I ask you?

Oh, not you again.

And how may I ask you?

What were you doing to the other call when we were calling here trying to get help?

What were you doing?

A brief hold.

Why?

Um, is there anything I can assist you with?

Yeah, how did you get your job and you don't know what a Ford Mustang is?

You thought it was a Honda Mustang?

I'm gonna place you in a brief hold.

Pretty stupid.

Well, maybe this boss is an asshole.

Maybe.

Alright, let's just stick it out.

Anyone else with us?

XYZs are great.

Yeah, he's-

Who else wants to be on?

Who's on?

Shit, I'm outdated.

Oh, yeah, so we- if anyone plays Rust out there, we have a server...

The Rust Reject Server.

If you search for a server, it's called the Rust Reject Server.

there's a few of us playing together you play rust or you mostly just build me yeah what would

you call it i have no idea how to play nobody's ever run me through the fucking basics at the

game yeah yeah i'm no i've been in and in stuff we first had that one base on the server nobody

would let me out of the base nobody would tell me the fucking code to the front door to get out

yeah the address for the server is 209.222.110.59 port number 28015 rust rejects.ml

There you go.

It doesn't have to take too long.

I'm done with this shit.

But, yeah, for, like, the first three days I tried, I had never been outside the base.

I literally got pissed enough I started trying to shoot at the electronic lock, and a bullet ricocheted and hit me, and I died.

You tried shooting your phone lock because you were bored?

It wasn't mine.

No, we were in the PLA clan thing, and somebody put an electronic code key lock on the door,

and nobody would tell me the four fucking digit code so i could fucking get outside oh i know it's

one two three four i don't know that's what i kept telling people because they were like can we change

it again but no they were like it's one eight or one eight zero one something like that and i'm

like all right yeah i would like that confirmed because every time i put a wrong one in it shocks

me and i lose health damn god damn all right let's continue with this i try i tried chopping down

your house when you weren't there yeah but it's made out of marble or something no no you had

wood supports underneath oh i i made those all oh that was a long time ago i tried again but i broke

i broke my weapon trying to chop it yeah and then i tried to set it on fire when i got inside

but it wouldn't it wouldn't catch fire so i just took your fire pits you need two bologna coupons

thank you for calling the walmart global ethics helpline for service in english please press one

maintain confidentiality this call is being answered by global compliance

An independent, third-party provider.

This line is available to Walmart associates, customers, and suppliers.

Please listen to all options before making your selection.

If you are calling for the number to your regional office, please press...

We are here to document your concerns as it pertains to the Statement of Ethics.

We will ask you a series of questions related to the facts surrounding your concern.

From this interview, we will create an actionable report to be sent promptly to your company for investigation.

Calls are not recorded or traced.

Press 1 to be connected with the next available communication specialist.

Ah, shit. Why did I do that for? I hit the wrong fucking number.

Why 4?

Thank you for calling the Walmart Global Ethics Helpline.

For service in English, please press 1.

All right, wait a minute.

Para servicio en espanol, por favor oprime.

To maintain confidentiality.

This call is being answered by...

We are here to document your concerns or requests for guidance as they pertain to the Statement of Ethics.

We will ask you a series of questions related to the facts surrounding your concern or question.

From this interview, we will create an actionable report to be sent promptly to your company for investigation.

She said the same thing the other time.

Calls are not recorded or traced.

Press 1 to be connected with the next available community...

Hey, how you doing, Jose?

what's up report today you're calling the follow-up on a report uh well i made a report

hey are you you're puerto rican right i'd be glad to have a follow-up are you well wait wait

are you a puerto rican right aren't you a puerto rican yes you are you are because you told me once

i did i have a dream where we were in bed together and we were talking and that was like touching

your hair and you're like i'm puerto rican what's your uh nine six three eight four four two shit

What kind of format do they come in?

Thank you for calling.

No, come on, man.

We talked before.

I'm a big fan.

Come on.

Yeah, I don't know if he remembers me.

I talked to him like a few months ago.

I just remembered by his voice.

I remember I got into this whole Puerto Rican thing.

He said he is Puerto Rican.

I don't know.

That's a Walmart, man.

They got lawyers.

What's wrong with you?

One man, one man, one man bank ethics.

With the one man bank.

That's the bank I want to deal with.

The one man bank.

A heavyset Italian guy with a bald head and a baseball bat.

For service in English, please press 1.

The purpose of this line is to report concerns about violations of law or policy or other workplace misconduct.

If you are calling for another purpose, please consult your organization's telephone directory or website or other resources that may be available to you.

Thank you.

Especially in time of emergency, think before you act and follow instructions by responsible...

Thank you for calling. This call will now be disconnected.

Oh, I was busy playing with the Civil Defense guy.

You may receive warning of an attack by...

I always do what I call that stupid line.

I was trying to do it before.

Uh, California Pizza Kitchen, yous are all the same company.

Your call cannot be completed as dialed.

Please check the number and dial again.

Just as well.

Told for the next available agent,

you may also file a report online at www.conversant.com

or www.mysafeworkplace.com.

Shut up. Quiet.

Nasty.

We'll be nasty.

For the next available...

...conversation to MySafeWorkplace,

are you going to make a report or check on your report status?

I'm machining.

I'm sorry?

I'm machining.

Okay, I'm not quite sure what you mean by that.

Are you needing to make a report?

Yes.

Okay, what is the name of your organization?

It's California Pizza Kitchen Machine United.

I have California Pizza Kitchen.

Yep, that's us, and I'm with California Pizza Kitchen Machine United.

We're the union.

I apologize.

I don't have that as an organization.

Well, I know.

We work with California Pizza Kitchen.

Excuse me?

We work with California Pizza Kitchen.

We work in the California Pizza Kitchen machine.

Well, this is a step-by-step process.

So first I'll begin with reading the terms and conditions.

Ignorant.

The state that this service is.

See, she paused for like half a second to try to like.

Did I really just hear what I thought I heard?

I think she floated her eyelids like, you know, like...

All right, I'll call back.

Stupid ignorant.

How did she do that?

Told for the next available agent,

you may also file a report online at www.conversant.com

or www.mysafeworkplace.com.

Told for the next available agent,

You may also file a report online at www.conversant.com or www.mysafeworkplace.com.

We really need to do something with shortening up www, you know?

Nine fucking syllables for three letters. That's ridiculous, Dwight.

If you don't know how to, sometimes it's not even necessary to put the www in. Fuck that.

Really?

Yeah, people are fucking ignorant motherfuckers.

Where do you put the JPEG part?

You know it's not

When I go to Yahoo

I don't go to fucking www.yahoo.com

I just put Yahoo.com

You know what I do

I go to Google

And I type Yahoo

And it comes back to

Result for Yahoo

And then the first one

Yeah that's the best way to do it

You go to Google

And then put in Yahoo

And then it says

The first one that comes up on the page

Is always Yahoo

you always get there that's the best way to do it i did we didn't get the options like it knows

that i'm calling from the same number and this is putting me through to live like right through and

i think she actually put me on hold she picked up once and hung up she saw the id and knew it was

me against the guy shit yeah she's playing that game she took a nice little break she said i'll

leave on hold and take a nice little break oh she was triggered she had to go yeah well i can fix

sat with my caller id wand did you hear uh i was watching the news earlier no up in uh canada

should i forget the city uh houston apparently no no apparently people are were triggered by a

fucking weight scale in the gym so the college removed it oh yeah they were being triggered

like negatively like but were they crying i mean what did they had to be consoled did they have to

to have yeah yeah pretty much they said it was triggering people who used to have uh eating

disorders and shit like that it's like okay okay you need to calm the fuck down if you're in the

gym that that's that's a part of being in the gym some people want to fucking weigh themselves and

see the progress they're making bitch yeah look at you yeah well it's retarded it's shit like

that's getting ridiculous do you grunt when you work out oh

you do a little

grunt

yeah

nope

do controlled

breathings

like I'm getting

like I'm giving

birth

so do you uh

you trying to like

chicken bologna

or turkey bologna

I don't

I don't eat

yeah yeah

I don't eat the

hot dogs

right

I'm kidding

I'm being a jerk

I'm sorry

made a homemade

stuffed uh

boneless skinless

chicken breast today

it was yummy

chicken tits

that's good stuff man yeah with asparagus and roasted bread potatoes makes your piece smell

good yeah oh that was good i yeah because when i got to the gym i did have to piss

are you calling to make a report or check on your report status i'm calling to make a report machine

okay uh and for what company california pizza kitchen machine united what come on man the word

spreading around the office i had a good idea for that now i want another ethics line because i got

got a goofy story about a rat a giant rat with a big oversized mallet hitting stuff to watch the

walking dead monday or sunday i think i'm behind one episode what happened though tell me the what

happened in the first scene is it the one where there's a lot of fucking going on between uh

black girl and uh redneck uh that was last week all right so i haven't seen the new one but listen

you know what that that episode from two weeks ago the one with the fucking uh they're in the

van and they're fucking a lot that episode was a piece of shit let me tell you something i got so

angry like so fucking what's his name carl's dad rick yeah rick's like fucking oh you're a fucking

deer so and they're fighting like these zombies and he's like well instead i'm gonna fuck the

zombies i'm gonna run on top of this old fucking ferris wheel and i'm gonna go up there just to

shoot a deer despite the fact that there's zombies all over the place and he fucking almost falls and

dies and all this shit did you see the whole part where like he's like throwing the sword uh uh

michonne yeah the catch then she catches it perfectly i was all right that's fucking did

you see how fake that fucking deer looked dude that deer looks so fake i didn't have my glasses

on i was watching from the other side of the living room i'm blind as a fucking bat i only

have one eye i can see out of as it is and i'm blind as a fucking bat and i was like holy shit

that's a horrible looking fucking deer my i was watching my brother hadn't watched it i'd already

seen it but they were showing everything before the new episode and i told him i said watch right

here i said watch how fucking horrible this deer oh my god why even bother shit why even bother man

i thought they were gonna they should have brought that up in uh and talking what place

that he thought it was a cow oh my god did he yeah that that was that's so stupid why even

had the fucking deer the whole fuck and why was the deer just chilling there as like all these

These zombies are, and yeah, here's a, there's a deer like, they just show one, do that when

she stepped on a twig.

No, this deer is not fucking, um, he got into some kind of, into a gated fucking, uh, the

middle of a gated section in a rundown carnival fair fucking thing.

And he's just chilling, eating little bugs and twigs like, la la la, I'm Bambi.

oh he's not gonna be scared when he's going oh i got so fucking angry through my remote at the

couch hit the cat well what me and my brother are cracking up about is like every time like

they found like a gun or in like two fucking cans of corn like it's like oh hey well they got a

running bet it's like we find at least two cans of corn and a gun we get the fuck like that that

was like the premise the first part of the movie's like hey we got a can of corn can of peas i found

a pistol uh i get some pussy now right yeah yeah anyway and then when they found all that shit at

the you know they found all those guns and stuff it's like you know i get a fucking you know

marathon fucking going on here you know they probably would in real life they would have

gotten the shits after not eating well for a while then they had these mres i bet you all those mres

they pecked it yeah shit to actually make you fucking shit yeah because troops usually get

constipated and stuff so they'd rather you you know get a little bit like the gum that they

put in there used to be laxative and shit like that yeah they packed those full of well they're

full of calories number one but they pack them so full of fiber that you're constantly shitting

and then there's fucking five of these yeah okay you'd be shitting on each other while you were

having sex yeah the cocoa powder has got like diuretics i think i think i think i don't know

looking at the amount of shit that was in that place there's no fucking way they got it all in

that van but they tried to make it seem like they didn't no they just got all the uh weapons they

said they're gonna come there's no way they brought all that well it showed they had some

of the mres the bottled water some of them stuff yeah some of them but you have to hide all them

and fucking nagin's fucking ass is gonna come oh look where'd you get these mres

i can't wait for nagin's that one like his number two guy the guy with the fucking porn stash

you know what i'm talking about oh yeah dwight is that no no no no not the guy whose wife he was

fucking the other guy the he's got like the long handlebar fucking uh mustache he's he kind of

talks like uh nagin too and he's like the number two you know you know uh is he the one that

collects from the kingdom no i don't think he collects from the he might be i don't know but

everyone else knows what i'm talking about the gta guys is close yeah i hate that fucking guy

man he's the one i want to see nagin he might end up being cool like the governor was kind of cool

at one point remember oh the governor ain't that bad eugene's being a fuckboy right now

he always is man he always is him and glenn glenn deserved to die now abraham didn't gabraham's a

good motherfucker but glenn he deserved to die he i tell everyone that like he turned his back on

rick uh with fucking going to dc he split the group up you don't split the group up and you're

You're a threat, and I bet you Rick had something to do with it.

That's what I'm thinking.

Wait until season eight.

Yeah, what are there, three more episodes this season?

Yeah.

I don't know.

There's only one more season after this, right?

I have no idea.

All I know is after the season's over, you don't get shit else until October.

You get that other, the Mexican Walking Dead.

I don't want to watch that dumb shit.

Yeah, what is it?

Fear of the Walking Dead.

Fear of the, yeah.

Who knows the beginnings?

Nobody gives a fuck about the beginning.

The Banchard Mexican Walking Dead.

No thanks.

Yeah, it's got the guy who, he was the FBI agent in Live Free or Die Hard.

I'm like, I don't give a fuck about you.

Yeah, fuck that guy, right?

He's no Vic Mackey.

He's no Michael Chiklis.

No, Vic Mackey was in that shit.

Oh, dude, Mackey was in that shit?

They should do a spinoff and, you know, it's the fucking S.H.I.E.L.D. zombie apocalypse.

You know, he's running around killing all the fucking zombie Los Mags and shit.

No, they should bring him back as the fucking commission, Boston.

You know

Fucking Shane

Your call cannot be completed

As dialed

Please check the number

Fuck Shane

He killed Shane

Yeah

Well dude

We missed the conversation

So you missed

Dan

That conversation was great

We were talking about

How Shane was

He would always try to be Vic

But he was never Vic

He could never be Vic

He was stupid

Your call cannot be completed

As dialed

Please check the number

And dial again

Isn't

What's his face

Walter Goggins

Isn't he a

Transvestite in that movie

Yeah Shane was

A fucking transvestite

Shane is right

I heard, but he gets, like, accolades, accolades, accolades, accolades.

He gets respect for that role.

For service in English, please press 1.

Para servicio en español, oprime el número 2.

Oh, of course.

He said he caught all kinds of shit after that.

He's like, oh, he was just a character.

The purpose of this line is to report concerns about violations of law or policy or other workplace misconduct.

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and contracted by your organization to document concerns about violations of law or policy.

The purpose of this line is to report concerns about violations of law or policy or other workplace misconduct.

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If an enemy nuclear attack ever occurs, many areas of the nation would be threatened by radioactive fallout.

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Unless your local government has given you other instructions.

hey jesse yeah uh i'm calling from one bane bank one man bank uh well there was an incident today

and provide your name and contact information yeah my name is cross valente

yeah uh v-a-l-e-n-t-e and your job type uh just a supervisor to the manager no you can be reached

uh cross at triple k.com no triple t-r-i-p-l-e-k.com number you can be reached at uh no not i mean i'd

rather can i just do email for now or is this nothing oh god no you can't call the work no

oh my god no uh-uh it's bad and your last name was v like victory a-l-e-n-t-e i appreciate it

it's in chicago illinois it's at the loot machine okay that yeah archer 52 east ohio shut up 52 east

commercial Ohio Ohio Street Ohio Street Ohio 52 East Ohio Street Chicago Illinois

six zero six one one between Wabash and Rush Street 52 East Ohio Street EAST and

in street is ST good six zero six one one or an employee yeah yeah many people

It involved everyone in the restaurant and the manager and the greeter, the hostess, the greeter.

One name you can identify?

Yeah, Dwight McClanahan.

D-W-I-G-H-T.

Yeah, McClanahan.

M-C-C-L-A-H-A-N, I think.

Janitor, Mike Tucker.

M-I-K-E-T-U-C-K-E-R.

Subtitle, Mike.

Illustrator.

Anyone else involved?

yeah uh sloth s-l-o-t-h yeah that's all i know is sloth asshole you put in let's see brad carter

your ad yeah he's a supervisor no that's it really and and just random customers unnamed you know

unknown and i'm calling the hotline oh yeah oh yeah and where'd you see the number was that

training poster i received the card here well uh dwight mcclanahan he was working on cleaning up

up uh some stuff here at the at the bank and he did a really good job someone had stopped the

toilet up and it overflowed and he did like a really good it was really bad like the the water

came out all weekend saturday and sunday there was feces and sewage backed up into the bank and

he fixed it in less than eight hours he had to fix he had us back to operational so um we decided

to take him out to chili's you know uh because he's he doesn't make a lot of money he's janitor

so he actually like he all he you know he brings a bologna sandwich every day for lunch and he eats

that and like i know we help him out here and there like the other day i got some bologna

sandwiches in the paper and i you know gave him just you know the bologna coupons uh he likes

bologna a lot um but so we were going to take him out to chili's you figure you know we get him

liquored up a little bit you know just have a good time you know so then brad was like i'm paying i

I got the card, the bank card, the corporate card.

And we were drinking, like, those Presidente margaritas and stuff like that, you know.

And I was like, Brad, I don't think we're supposed to use, you know, the card for just drinking.

It's just us, you know.

It's not an approved.

We don't have a Form 28-5.

Did you need to get that, 28-5?

Yeah.

Form 28-5 is for use like that, for entertainment uses, you know, for client entertainment.

And there wasn't, I mean, this is not an approved celebration, you know.

it wasn't a bird no one's birthday and it wasn't christmas so we weren't supposed to do it and it

wasn't an employee appreciation that those are the only days that you're allowed to do something

like that so um then it got just got really weird you know because um uh like brad carter he's the

supervisor he was like hey i have an idea guys let's go to the bathroom together let's go to

the bathroom together you know and i didn't really feel comfortable i was like no i don't have to go

you know i don't have to pee and then and like brad was like really like trying to really like

and sloth i don't know why sloth was like yeah you should come you're missing opportunity i'm

like what do you mean like i don't have to go watch i'll watch our purses you know i said you

know you know joking so sloth and brad carter mr carter they took uh dwight the janitor because he

he was like drunk drunk and but he kept saying i gotta pee i gotta pee you know so they like kind

of took them you know each one one shoulder and they took him to the bathroom and then you know

about five ten minutes went by and i'm like wow they're taking you know a long time must be a line

i didn't you know it's happy hour maybe it was a lot and then i heard no no no like that like

running you know from the bathroom and it was dwight and i said dwight what happened and like

brad uh carter came back and sloth and i could tell they were like straightening out their

their clothing you know like trying to make it straight you know like kind of fixing their collar

and tucking in their shirt in there you know like that and then uh dwight's pants were unzipped

unbuttoned and unzipped you know and he was way too jerked there was no way he could have done

it by himself without help you know so um i became really concerned so then um you know i asked

you know brad and sloth were like well we're gonna go over here we're gonna pick some music

from the jukebox thing the digital jukebox so they went over there and then sloth sat down he's

playing you know how sometimes the bar they got those games so you put the quarter and the dollar

in you know you can play like this video poker games and stuff so he sat the bar and you know

and then like brad was looking at the cigarette machine and he bought a pack of cigarettes and

he was like folding it in his t-shirt like his t-shirt uh like his his uh his arm cuff like

like, trying to look really cool or something, and I was like, whatever, you know, but then, so then,

yeah, I was just me and Dwight, and Dwight was just, like, you know, he had staring, you know,

had red eyes, I said, Dwight, what happened? I put my hand on his, on his leg, and I said,

what happened? He jumped, like, you know, I was like, no, Dwight, what happened? He said,

they held me down, and they, uh, they unzipped my clothes, and they unbuckled my clothes,

and unbuttoned my clothes, he said, and they had me in the handicap stall, and they were kissing,

all over my body and brad said he was going to kiss every inch of my body and he was kissing

his neck he said he said he was kissing my neck and my lips and i was like i don't know i'm a

married man i'm a married man you know and he was saying to you know i was like really oh my god but

what about sloth and said then sloth was like touching my penis and touching his penis and

touching brad carter's penis and then all he said like the two of them were touching um his penis

and then touching their penises like each other's it was really inappropriate and then i guess what

happened was uh you know the manager went back there he's like hey what's going on here because

he heard like you know like that and that's when you know dwight ran off and said no no no you know

know so yeah and that's not right okay eat with white drinks you said inform to attainment that

the meal was not accessible right who was went seemed to be button is closed vintage yeah and

i mean you didn't mention about how you know the sad part is that you know what dwight was saying

it's like look you know man i only have bologna sandwiches when i come to work that's all i put

on my lunch bag you know and that's all i can afford to eat really because of the kids and

and the wife and everything, and the cancer that my wife has.

And then they bring me out to eat something, you know,

like a nice meal at a fancy restaurant, and, you know, this is what happens.

You know, so, I mean, the bologna part especially,

just maybe you make sure that when we talk about Dwight,

he's really big into bologna.

Dwight eats sandwiches every day, one inch.

Yeah, yeah, but look what happened, you know.

About your report, I'm numbering a pen for you to write down about this.

Oh, sure, sure. Yeah, what's that?

So the report number is going to be dash 17, believe me.

Yeah.

Thank you. I'll get that away. When's the next time everyone will work together? Tomorrow morning?

Tomorrow morning, yeah, but I don't know if Dwight's going to make it because, you know, he's suffered an emotional shock.

I mean, maybe you could communicate, get in touch for him with the Rape Crisis Center.

yes that's right um officer murphy was recommending that when we talked to him

well it's um it's dwight's uh cousin you know through marriage that he got but it wasn't made

official he just called his cell phone and he came over he's like a dirty cop you know so

well i don't know i mean it's just gonna be really awkward you know because of the sex you know

and i just dwight he just kept saying you know i'm sorry jesus i'm sorry i'm sorry jesus you

you know, like he was putting the blame on him, and he needs to understand that he needs to put

the blame on Sloth and Brad, not himself, because, you know, I was with Mike, Mike Tucker, both of us

were good Christian men, and we were just sitting there, we had one drink each, you know, we had an

appetizer, we split an appetizer, me and Mike, and we talked nicely, we were talking about, you know,

know medical issues and politics and we were you know just talking about his piano that he got a

new piano and we were just why we went we were like you know dwight likes to talk about the piano

he said he used to want to play the piano as a kid and we were thinking maybe we would you know

teach him how to play the piano ourselves but now we can't because he's not going to want to be alone

with two other men now can you imagine get this in right away okay so they are aware of what's

going on there all right okay all right take time to call all right honey thank you bye wow

whatever so so your whole thing is i got sexually assaulted by a sloth and bread

basically i forgot about mike and that whole story mike tucker i don't think mike tucker

was involved in the story no he that's why at the end i said oh yeah mike tucker because he was

he was there at first and he mentioned he said he was involved but you never said what the

fuck he did yeah so at the end i said it was just me and him you know like being good talking

talking about whatever what medical issues and politics so right and mike's piano tucks piano

dude i gotta get you the audio though of them talking about dwight of the guy just

saying that story back like i want to hear you and brad

i gotta get a copy of that to brad he's gonna fuck it i hope he enjoys it i thought that was

was funny just hearing him say the whole story about oh i went i went willingly into the fucking

into the stall with brad he's just like oh what's going on here oh oh well you want to you want to

go in there brad okay no problem the handicap stall together nothing weird with that you know

he's like fucking madonna he just has the name of sloth yeah he was he was in there touching brad's

Everyone was getting jerked off together

Or jerking off

It was a whole party man

That's a hot story

Except for you

That's what I get for cleaning the toilet

That's what you get for not bringing in

Something nicer than bologna coupons

Or bologna sandwiches

People start thinking

They can take advantage of you

So we should call back in a day or two

And add more to that story

where you get the stats.

Yeah, get the reaction from the company.

I should have Brad call in and defend himself

on the case.

Look at Brad call in. I'm going to read it back to you.

Oh, man.

Bullshit, it never happened.

It was all Sloth.

Sloth's idea. Brad does

whatever Sloth says.

It's fun.

That was something.

I almost screwed it up at the beginning because it was

the bank one and I

I ended up talking about, you know, a restaurant, California Pizza Kitchen.

I recovered.

Well, then I was saying something as he picked up.

I was saying some shit, too.

And my remote shit.

Thank you for calling Converse into My Safe Workplace.

This is Allison.

Are you calling to make a report or check on your report status?

Hey, Allie.

How are you?

Hi.

Oh, can I assist you?

I'm calling to set a report, please.

Okay, what is the name of your organization?

It's California Pizza Kitchen.

This

is a step-by-step process.

So first I'll begin with reading the terms and conditions.

This is a piece of civil defense information from the Department of Defense,

Office of Civil Defense, Washington.

If an enemy nuclear attack ever occurs, many areas of the nation would be threatened by radioactive fallout.

If there is public shelter nearby, go to it.

Or if you have a home shelter, use it, unless your local government has given you other instructions.

But if regular shelter isn't available and you have a house with a below-ground basement...

Yes.

The next step is to choose the category that best describes the nature of your report.

There are many to choose from, but ultimately you can only choose one.

Do you know what yours might fall under?

Otherwise, I can read you the options.

Sex.

Like sexual harassment?

Just sex.

Okay, we don't have that category.

We have sexual harassment.

Would you like to know the definition?

Do you have anything else sexual related?

Sexual organs?

No.

Is that one?

No, we have sexual harassment.

Do you have mutual masturbation?

No, we do not.

I just stated sexual harassment would be the only thing for that sort of category.

All right, define it for me.

Yep, it's unwanted or offensive sexual advances or sexually offensive remarks or acts,

especially made by wanted superiors.

Or superior position.

That arouses me when you talk about it.

You realize this is a professional line, correct?

Vagina boozies.

Yes.

And I have your phone number?

I'm blocking my phone number, ma'am.

You do not have it.

Train us!

I have 312-85.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

All right.

You realize we're going to investigate this?

No, no, please.

This is a reporting line.

No, no, please, no.

Yep, we make investigations at this line.

Please, my mom's going to be so mad.

Please, I already got in trouble once.

I'm sorry.

There's nothing more to say.

Thank you for calling.

Don't have a wonderful night.

Fucking bitch.

She got me.

Storm Cellar, you could...

I was thinking the same thing when you said sex.

I was like, just plain old good old-fashioned sex.

Uh-huh.

Sex.

They just have a section called sex.

Sex.

People don't want an investigation until the guy said sex.

Don't even say anything nasty.

Some guy called and he said sex.

We're going to have a big investigation.

Let's see if we get her back.

I can hear you breathing.

Thank you for calling Conversant and MySafeWorkplace.

This is Mike.

Are you calling to make a report or to check on your report status?

I'm calling to make a report, please.

Sure.

What is the name of the organization that you are affiliated with?

Real quick before that, I don't know if there's something with you.

If anyone's ever told you this before, you're really close to your microphone piece,

so I hear you breathing a lot.

Do you think there's any way you could bring that back a few more centimeters?

Sure.

One moment, please.

I think you don't need to be that close.

I think I hear you okay.

There we go.

One moment.

All right.

It's not that hard to do.

Are you calling to make a report or check on your report status?

I'm calling to make a report.

Are you a different gentleman than who I was just talking to, Michael?

Why was I moved here?

Yes.

Why?

Because I am the main person who takes reports on overnights.

He is backup in case I am busy.

So what company are you calling to make a report for?

California Pizza Kitchen Machines.

Okay.

We do represent California Pizza Kitchen.

I'm not aware of a California Pizza Kitchen machine.

Do you just want to put it under California Pizza Kitchen?

Yeah, because we're with the union.

We consider ourselves a machine that runs the California Pizza Kitchen, so that's our name.

We're the Local 44.

I'm sorry, what was that?

We're the Local 44.

Okay, got it.

Okay, so real quick before we get started, I have to read a disclaimer which says,

you understand and acknowledge that this service is not an emergency hotline

or a substitute for contacting law enforcement.

Asshole.

Sir, I'm going to disconnect the line.

Everyone at the station knows that you're calling, so don't bother calling back.

If you call me, I will disconnect right away.

Have a great day.

The station.

Ah, you!

Everyone at the station knows you're calling.

The station.

The ethics station.

The ethics crisis center.

The center that has no real authority to do shit.

Everyone in the NOC knows you're calling, dude.

Three of us know you're calling.

Zare's apartment store that they're located in.

Most of them are at home now because of the time and the weather.

You did not like Asshole.

Asshole?

That was a great call, man.

I played that so much in the last week or so, that whole Asshole thing, man.

You've got to listen to Dwight's show from...

Did you put up your Saturday show up?

The one I fell asleep for?

Oh, yeah.

So the one before that, right?

The one, yeah.

It was two weeks back.

It was a good show.

It had me on here saying, Asshole, that guy was completely taken back by it.

It was great.

Oh, it was great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Anyway, Locksmith, you haven't done anything other than be a sexual victim tonight.

Would you like to do a 24-hour Locksmith?

Sure, yeah.

All right, man.

Yay, Locksmith.

Watch this.

Please record your message.

Yeah, 24 hours, right.

One of those.

Infomercials, I got the copper fit.

Is that that pan?

Have you seen this copper pan that's going on?

Copper fit is like a knee sleeve.

sleeve oh okay they make them from like your elbow and shit like that too like the dwight

howard sleeve yeah kind of kind of like that yeah so you need one for your wife she says

i need one for my wife because she says her arm what gets tired when masturbating me oh that's

cool there's an idea for you dwight if you want to do it this is the copper fit i'm guessing it's

what's got copper we woven into it probably that's where they get you no the dude's name

Name of makes is, name is Tommy Copper.

What an asshole.

Where's your pain?

Right here.

Both elbows.

Take on.

Points at his dick.

His dick, yeah.

On the pain.

Introducing CopperFit.

Advanced cutting edge compression garments designed to help relieve muscle and joint soreness.

Where has this been for the last few years?

If I can put this to the rigorous test of an NFL athlete and it can work for me with all the joint pain that I've had, it'll definitely work for you.

I pushed this product to the max, and it performed great at every level.

Helps reduce swelling for faster recovery.

CopperFit is...

Oh, damn, that shit's loud, right?

Yeah, Brett Favre advertises for them.

Oh, that's got to be good stuff.

To ensure proper handling, this call may be recorded.

CopperFit relieves joint muscles and joint soreness, reduces swelling, and leads to faster recovery.

Our cutting-edge, comfortable compression sleeves are tough enough to help you enjoy your active lifestyle with less pain.

And today, we'll send you your choice of elbow, knee, or ankle sleeves for just $19.99.

It's helped me a lot, and I've seen a huge difference.

The pain I was having literally felt like someone was stabbing me in the knees.

I am pretty much lost, although they said you need to quit.

To begin your CopperFit order, please say order.

Order!

Sorry, I didn't get that.

To begin your CopperFit order, please say order.

Order!

To check on the status of an order you've already placed, please say status.

Order!

Or, if you'd like to hear more information about Copperfit before placing your order, please say information.

Information.

Order.

Let's just use your touch-tone keypad until we're finished.

If you're ready to order your Copperfit, please press 1.

We've got questions.

To check on the status of an order you've already placed, please press 2.

Great idea.

They're just going to play, like, an information button.

Or, if you'd like to hear more information about Copperfit before placing your order, please press 3.

Sometimes it goes to a person.

I'd be happy to tell you more.

Copperfit relieves joint muscles and joint soreness,

reduces swelling, and leads to faster recovery.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I remember when we used to call that Weeble Wobble Ball.

It was you and Sloth, I think, or Goose and Sloth.

I was feeding funny lines here and there.

I thought you came up with the number.

I think I got the number because I saw it on TV.

I went to get some water while I was listening to a science show, I think.

Or maybe your show.

I think it was a science show.

And I was like, oh, shit, the weeble wobble ball.

And I wrote down the number.

Yeah, I think it's called wobble wag now that I look at it.

Which I kept saying racist shit through the ball.

Yeah, I think Sloth was going to get to say that.

I kept saying that your dog was laughing in the car.

Thank you for choosing Sierra Vital tonight.

My name is Thomas.

I'm excited to help you out.

May I ask who I'm speaking with?

Hi, this is Akulo.

How are you doing tonight?

Good.

How are you doing tonight?

Doing good. So how can I help you out tonight, Apple?

A culo.

Mm-hmm.

All right, and how are you doing tonight?

Ah, you know, just around.

Another day, another day.

Yeah, you know, I woke up breathing, you know, and I went to the doctor.

Yeah, amen.

Went to the doctor this morning.

You know, all I reprised, everything was good.

Blood pressure was 129 over 86.

That's decent.

They checked my range of motion, said everything was good.

They got my diabetic foot check exam today.

They said everything was okay.

Neuropathy hasn't gotten any worse.

That sounds like a good day to me.

And, like, I don't know if it was good or not,

but she looked at my ears and my nose and my throat,

and she didn't say anything, you know.

She said, ah.

Yeah.

I went, ah.

She goes, okay, look up.

And then she's like, look here, while I follow the light.

And she looked in the ear, and she's asking me.

So I don't know if that's good or not, you know.

I don't know what they're looking for.

Yeah, I think you're fine.

I think it's just normal things they check on.

All right, so then I got some results back.

Hang on.

Let's see what you know about that.

Hello, sir?

Yeah, I'm here.

Yeah, I got some results back.

Let's go ahead and hear it.

Okay, so first of all, my fasting glucose A1C.

Okay.

It's a 6.8, and that's really good.

Perfect.

Yeah, that's a good improvement because it's supposed to be below 6.9 for a diabetic,

so that's pretty good.

So, yeah, that's decent.

All right.

All right. Now, they say there's a trace amount of urea in my urine, a trace amount of hemoglobin in my urine, so a trace amount of blood in my urine.

Yeah, and I'm not sure what that is.

Yeah, so, I mean, I don't know. I don't know what...

Anyway, so you're calling... Did you see our commercial on TV, or...?

Uh-huh. Yeah, that's what I'm calling. Yeah, so you guys were around, and I thought I'd call, you know. I'm kind of bored.

Awesome. So, do you understand what your HGH levels are, and I want to see if I'm just going to help you out?

Yeah.

Well, Sierra Vital is going to help you increase your human growth hormone levels.

And those are something that's made in the pituitary gland in your brain,

and it's the master hormone.

And it's something that your body naturally produces up until about age 30,

and then it drops off to just minimum levels.

And as guys, that's when you get older, you start to experience tiredness, wrinkles.

It keeps the Negro hormones in line.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Now, what we're going to do tonight is send it out and give you a 30-day trial.

right um the whole goal is for you to experience this and get to see you know the change that

takes place from before and then after once we start to increase those levels you know there's

so many great benefits um increased sex drive increased libido obviously um better energy it

carries with you throughout the day and you're going to be sleeping better um i mean what really

got you to call tonight my sexual organs is it yes so just problems you mind do you mind if i

I'd probably be a little bit deeper with that.

Yeah, sure.

Do you want to talk to them?

Yeah.

Who am I going to be talking to?

My sexual organs.

Just stand by.

I'll put you through.

Yeah, yeah.

Put him through.

Free me.

Free me from this man's pants.

Free me.

He abuses me on an ugly basis.

He slaps me.

Aggravated assault, right?

Sexual assault is the worst way.

Can you help me?

Anyway, so your day's been pretty eventful, huh?

I'm a giant cock.

Pretty good, man.

Anyway.

He's zipping back up in here.

Yep.

Ryan, terminate the call, please.

Who is Ryan?

Ryan, terminate the call, please.

Ryan is the left testicle.

So, I'm not sure who Ryan is.

Still there, Ryan?

Ryan.

Ryan in the testicles.

Ryan.

Hello?

Hello.

Okay, bye.

He had nothing to do at work.

He's like, oh, this is better than doing bullshit here.

Let's just sit back, take a break, hear the hee hee hee.

Apparently I'm talking to some man's penis.

It's got a Mexican-sounding penis.

Big sombrero on.

Yes, this is me.

I was, the other night we were doing customer service calls

and people were calling into us.

I kept trying to do a fucking Indian accent

and it was pissing people off.

Oh, really?

Thank you for calling to customer support.

How help you may I today?

The people were just like,

I was like, you motherfuckers need to go back to India and quit calling us here.

They were angry.

Let's see what other numbers I got.

But I had a million hang-ups before that.

They just, as soon as they hear that accident, they're just like, ah, fuck.

So that was, I don't know, some telemarketer.

Booty Max.

I want to do Booty Max.

Dwight, I haven't been able to get you in a good call, man.

I'm sorry.

I don't think.

Keep trying.

That's my fault because I'm a fucking asshole.

I don't know how to do calls.

My partner Lysol has been giving me my booty hell lately for pushing too hard.

Will Booty Max help to cushion his pounding?

That's a suggestion.

Lysol.

Your call cannot be completed as dialed.

Please check it, please.

Oh, wrong number.

No, extra one.

Thank you for calling Booty Max.

If you're calling to place an order, press 1.

It is called that.

For help with an order you've already placed, one moment and an agent will be right with you.

Hey, thanks for calling Booty Max.

My name is Kimberly and I'll help you with your order.

Oh, you sound good. You sound real good.

So how does this work? I give you my credit card number or what?

Yes, credit or debit card. May I have your first name, please?

Okay, how much is it per minute?

What do you mean, how much is it per minute?

I call BootyMax. I give you the credit card and, like, is it, like, what, $4.99 for the first, like, five minutes?

And then how much per minute after that?

What do you mean?

Well, money for you to talk dirty to me.

What do you mean?

I've never had this problem with a sex line before.

I just called Booty Max.

It didn't ask for my credit card yet.

Who do I give the credit card to?

I'm trying to give you money for you to talk dirty to me.

Isn't this what this line's all about?

I'm trying to have sex.

On the phone.

I called a sex line.

I called Booty Max.

I'm trying to give you the credit card so we can get past this initial part.

So we can get past the hanky-panky part.

Stan, this is not a sex line.

I don't understand what you're calling for.

What do you mean?

You're giving me the sexy voice talk

all over here? It's turning me on

at this point. You're giving me something for free

that I should be paying you for.

I don't understand.

How much are you going to charge me?

Let's commit to 10 minutes.

I don't understand.

Let's commit to 10 minutes.

I don't understand.

What do you mean you don't understand?

I don't understand.

Asshole.

Whatever.

What the fuck was up with her?

What doesn't she understand?

I explained it to her.

I mistakenly called Booty Mags as a sex line.

I like that idea.

I understand.

Thank you for calling Booty Mags.

If you're calling to place an order, press 1.

Do it again.

1.

Yeah.

1.

1 moment, and an agent will be right with you.

Calling the Booty Mags.

My name is Masha.

And for quality purpose, this call will be recorded.

May I please have your first name?

Oh, yeah.

You can call me Ben.

Okay.

And then you're...

The prompt before didn't give me all the options that the other lines normally give me.

Okay, well, I'll be happy to go through the options for you.

I mean, I'm glad I got a female, but it didn't let me select, like, white, Asian, cheerleader, none of that.

Well, the Booty Max, just to give you an idea of what it is, it's a body shaper that makes it easy to lift and tone your body to the max.

And it comes with your ankle cuff, the grab handle, and the quick.

Oh, no, I'm not into BDS.

No, none of that.

Well, that's what the machine is about, and it comes with your instance for the maximal result.

Oh, no, no, no, I'm not into rape or anything.

No resistance, only consensual.

I'm sorry, I don't know if you...

Yeah, when do I give you the credit card and we can start the dirty talk?

No, so if you have the wrong number, have a great day.

This is BootyMax, right?

I love that idea.

Yeah, they're so asking for it with that name.

Booty Max.

Yeah, this is Booty Max.

Thank you for calling Booty Max.

It's one moment, and an agent will be right with you.

I'll try, I'll try.

My turn to be dirty.

Oh, my God, it is Patty.

Hi, thanks for calling.

All customer service representatives are busy at the moment.

A live customer service representative will be with you shortly.

Hi, and thanks for calling Booty Max.

My name is Monica, and I'll help you with your order.

Monica, that's a beautiful name.

Thank you.

I like.

For quality purposes.

I like.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah.

This call may be recorded, okay?

Okay, yeah.

I want to give you my credit card so that I can order, make an arrangement here for you and I

to engage in mutual masturbation over the phone while we talk about what we're doing to our sexual organs.

Okay, I'm sorry I can't help you with that today, but just give us a call back when you're ready to order.

I called Booty Max.

That's the sex line, sex phone line.

Okay, thank you so much for calling.

I have begun undressing myself, and my pants are at my ankles.

I have begun holding my penis.

Okay.

They're all going to start talking.

Why is that supervisor?

I'm going to have to talk to him.

Thank you for calling BootyMax.

If you're calling to place an order, press 1.

For help with an order you've already placed, press 2.

One moment, and an agent will be right with you.

Hi, and thanks for calling BootyMax.

My name is Monica, and I'll help you with your order.

For quality purposes, this call may be recorded.

And who am I speaking with today?

This is Kraus.

May I have the spelling of your first name, please?

C-R-O-S-S.

Okay.

So, BootyMax is the breakthrough booty shaper that makes it easy to lift and tone your booty.

Yeah.

To the max, you would simply attach the ankle cuff, grab the handle, and kick to transform your booty from flat to saggy.

That's what I'm talking about.

Are you ready to place an order?

Does this give you nice, strong, gluteal muscles?

Muscles?

Yes, it does.

For a limited time only, we'll send one BootyMax for just two payments of $19.99.

And then you can make your ass clap.

This is Monica.

I was like, oh, here we go.

I'm at the bowling alley now.

Totally a different person this time.

Get through a little bit of that redneck accent on.

Yeah.

That's all you need.

Bowling alley, a couple beers.

Yeah.

Thank you for calling BootyMax.

If you're calling to place an order, press 1.

For help with an order, you call 1-1-1-1-1-1.

And an agent will be right with you.

If it's her, you take it.

If it's someone else, you're right.

Break it.

Thank you for calling Bootymax.

My name's Loretta, and I'll help you with your water.

For quality purposes, this call may be recorded.

May I have your first name?

Cross.

What was your first name?

Cross.

Cross?

Yeah.

C-R-O-S-S?

Yeah.

All right.

The Bootymax is the breakthrough booty shaper that makes it easy to lift and tone your booty to the max.

Oh, it's hot.

Simply attach the ankle cuff, grab the handle and kick to transform your body.

Your booty from flat and saggy to firm and sensational.

Wrap the band around the smart dial for added resistance to get twice the results in half the time.

For limited time, we'll send one BootyMax for just two payments of $19.95 plus $13.99 shipping and handling.

And how many BootyMaxes would you like?

What color? Do you have brown BootyMax or white BootyMax?

no what models women does it work on would you like to order or not sir well will this work on

my 2012 caucasian american oh wait a minute dude let's just be a five-year-old wait a minute whoa

whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa i'm at 1980 something obviously maybe 90 maybe 90 yeah you can't you

can't use those older model caucasians yeah yeah so if it's her another one that i talked to you

Feel free.

Jump in there and try to see if...

Thank you for calling BootyMax.

If you're calling to place an order, press 1.

For help with an order you've already placed, press 2.

Should have had an idea for...

One moment, and an agent will be right with you.

Thank you for calling BootyMax.

My name's Loretta, and I'll help you with your order.

For quality purposes, this call may be recorded.

May I have your first name?

My name is Hot Beans.

Hello.

What's your name?

Hot Beans.

Spell that.

Yes, so quarter seconds, please.

There it is. H-A-B-E-E-S-Zs.

Call it again, please.

H-A-B-E-E-Zs.

Booty Max is the breakthrough booty shaper that makes it easy to lift and tone your booty to the max.

Simply attach the ankle cuff, grab the handle and kick to transform your booty from flat and saggy to firm and sensational.

Wrap the band around the smart dial for added resistance to get twice the results in half the time.

For a limited time only, we'll send one BootyMax for two payments of $19.95 plus $13.99.

We're so confident you'll love BootyMax.

We back it with a 30-day money-back guarantee.

BootyMax is not for you.

Simply return it in 30 days, and we'll give you a refund.

And how many BootyMaxes would you like?

May I ask, have you tried this device yourself?

No.

You have not tried it yourself?

self do you do you is anybody that you're not trying it is a good product would you like to

order sir you can go i'm asking questions before i order product is what a good person does

i've not tried it i've not i've sold plenty but i've not tried it okay so what i'll do is i would

would like to order uh i would like to order one pussy and one booty max my fault oh she hung up

the bitch i asked her if she's tried it and like it's like oh god forbid me ask if you've tried a

fucking product that you're selling how's that it's thank you for calling booty mac no shit if

you're calling to play one moment and an agent will be right with you like when i used to go

to gnc i used to ask them that shit have you tried it how does it work did it work for you

Thank you for calling.

Hey, Lois.

Oh.

All right, I'll leave him alone.

I had a good idea, but we'll never get to it.

I will never remember it again.

That was that piece of shit customer service accent I was doing.

That was good.

It sounded like your name was Hot Beers.

was saying hot b but she was like spell it and i'll say so

i'm gonna throw a fucking z on the end you should have spelled it hot beers h-o-t-b there used to

be this liquor store i went to and i just used to be like yeah i'm just gonna go to the hot

abib martin real quick and uh and uh like yeah hey how you doing abib i didn't actually tell

them how beat to their face i never actually knew their real name but they knew mine yeah i say

banjoed under my breath every time i see an indian guy at work and in public i'm gonna get my ass

kicked one day oh i oh here's another thing i do um all the time like all right so i think it's

really funny like when i go to um the drive-thru and if it's a guy i say hey i'm back and then if

it's a girl i say hey labia usually or hey big girl right so i was at a drive-thru a couple days

ago at arby's actually to get my diet secret is uh you can get the turkey gyro wrap with no sauce

and it's only 200 something calories and it's a big fucking wrap it's a flatbread wrap with a ton

Why is the sauce so bad for you?

I made homemade chicken gyros here, and all it was was Greek yogurt and cucumbers.

Yeah, when you make it yourself, sauces are cool and dressings are good,

but when you rely on the fast food place to make it, it's always going to fuck you up.

Yeah, mine was Greek yogurt, diced up seedless cucumbers.

What the fuck else did I put in it?

i don't know i i salt and peppered it there was something else in it i'm forgetting but um

it was actually pretty damn good and it was on the healthier side i think there was uh

god damn it what was in there it's better to make your own man you got to get a food processor make

your own hummus and all your old stuff you do way well i got a i got a nutrient ninja i can make

that shit yeah well there you go all right so i'm saying food yeah no that's what i make my

smoothie stuff your baby food that you eat your bologna sandwich yeah hummus i go get hummus from

this from the store no you get it from your mom's okay i'm sorry that's what i'm sorry look i get

the i get the spicy hummus so it's uh someone tried to get me to try it like back in the day

i'm talking probably six seven years ago and i'm like i'm not eating that shit oh my god looks

disgusting and uh one day i was i was uh in the grocery store i'm looking around i'm like i kind

and i wanted salsa and i'm like and there was like dips and stuff i was like i know dips aren't good

and uh i took a look at hummus i go that shit doesn't end too bad and no it's not i grabbed

some like little pita little pita chips yeah and um and uh it was like a three pepper i'm like it's

not quite hot enough so i found uh i have some habanero hot sauce which is like zero fucking

calories so i just fucking added that to it just mix that shit up in there it was damn good i

I make salad dressing out of hummus and a little bit of oil and vinegar.

I use, for like salad dressings, I've been using light, zesty Italian as a salad dressing.

I got this light Greek-Italian that's really good.

It has like barely any, it doesn't have any really good.

Yeah, the light, zesty Italian has hardly anything in it, but it tastes good.

It tastes real good, but it doesn't have hardly shit in it.

Shit, now I don't know where we're at.

What were we talking about?

you got me all befuddled now we're talking food calories arby's you were talking you were talking

about the drive-thru things i said yeah so when i went there for that and she said hey welcome to

arby's can i help you and i said hey labia how you doing i wanted to uh i wanted to she goes what

like oh and i pulled away i got scared i pulled away because i was going to that one again well

no i'll go again but i was going to go there then because i was probably going to get my

food spit on if not i just didn't want to see her it was a black girl but i was like hey labia

she says what she started laughing i was like okay i'm leaving like no well it cracks me up

like the one uh the one call i did when i told the people that i already had the job

and i told the lady that i had complimented her during the interview on her areolas

and she goes we don't have areolas here and i go you're not female and she was like i

I complimented you on your nipples.

And she goes, what the fuck?

Like, I didn't say nipples.

She didn't know what areolas were.

Wow, that's sad.

Yeah, I was just like, okay.

Cha-cha-cho.

But, yeah, Baz told me a couple times he's called to make food orders at Indian places.

And he's almost, like, started calling them a bancho and shit like that.

And he said, like, he's got to rein himself in.

He's like, I've got to fucking remember it's not a prank call.

I'm really calling to order some food.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you're such a guy.

Sometimes, I think once I called to order Indian, and I hung up.

I was like, I didn't pay as much.

You know how when you drive home, and you don't remember how you got there?

It's kind of like that.

Like, I know I made an order, but did I possibly go into a Bancho thing, and I'm going to go there now?

I'm like, oh, that's Mr. Bancho.

I think I've eaten Indian food one time.

Yeah, it's good stuff.

It was good.

I was actually, I was dating an Indian chick.

We went to a restaurant and got it.

She didn't make the shit.

Oh, yeah.

Did you pork her?

Oh, of course I did.

Oh, nice, nice.

Did it smell down there like curry and stuff?

No, she took care of herself.

It was funny.

She hated, I've told this story many times, but she hated Indian people because they fucking never, you know, never took care of their hygiene.

Or never wore deodorant.

She fucking hated that shit.

She basically hated her own people.

She was like a fucking bunch of dirty motherfuckers.

Self-loathing Indian.

There you go.

Self-loathing.

Chewed.

Yeah, it was funny, but we went to a restaurant.

trying but like every fucking night she's done kept talking about she had to keep making this

bread for dinner the next day and now you know hanging around you guys i realized it was fucking

non-bread the non-bread yeah no we always had to make dinner the next fucking day and for the next

day this fucking bread and i'm like why the fuck are you always making this bread why can't they

just buy it i thought they'd buy that shit pre-made though let's get by the bread go buy

the bread warming up oh she they they always made that shit at home fuck that shit that's a lot of

of work man yeah like in puerto rico all that all that traditional food they used to take like hours

and days to make it's just buy ready made so convenient the big thing in puerto rico is that

for thanksgiving you take your uh turkey you take it to the meat place or to the the the bread baking

place the bakery and uh or you order your turkey through them and they make the turkey for you like

really good homemade fucking taste in puerto rican style turkey they stuff it with rice and beans or

traditional like american style stuffing whatever you want and you can get a stuffed pig too if you

want all that they make them like the night of and the day of thanksgiving and people just come

out there a lot of time and pick them up and pay their money and go people put their deposits now

yeah this this year we normally uh thanksgiving would make our own meal like everything from

scratch this year like my mom was like you know i'm not dealing with that bullshit and we actually

went out and bought a meal from a fucking supermarket and stuff did you go to boston

market and it wasn't and it wasn't that great boston and no it wasn't boston market it was a

local supermarket but um but what they didn't say was the fucking turkey was still frozen

it's like dude if i'm buying it if i'm buying it from you date of thanksgiving i expect this

shit to be thawed yeah they're gonna be on well actually we we were under the assumption it was

was already cooked and so i'm like yeah let alone i mean we we already had ham and shit so we just

we found another store and they had like half a turkey breast already prepared and shit half a

breast well it's like half half a turkey like half half of a turkey we already had like a quarter of

a ham too and uh and it was only for me my brother my son my mom and my grandma so there's only five

of us so it's not like we're feeding you know an asshole to people all right yeah but uh but like

their mashed potatoes it was fucking bagged mashed potatoes it's like i will not stand for this

bullshit the diners around here will will they'll hook you up too you go you go early enough and you

you pay your sum of money and then you come thanksgiving and pick up your turkey and all

your sides and all that big all ready to go that's got it that's the way to do it man i was like i

I want, you know, I was like, you know, I will fucking make the mashed potatoes.

I won't stand for this bagged potato.

Yeah.

Fuck that.

Yeah.

See, that's what I'm thinking.

Like what I'd like to do, like maybe next year is, uh, or this year, I guess we'll be

like, if I find a good place to do the Turkey, I'll get the Turkey and the hammer and or

the ham done.

The major shit that takes a long time in the oven and you can fuck that up and you're

all fucked.

And then everyone bring a side dish, you know, like your own homemade side dish, you know,

that's a lot more fun.

That's the way to split it up.

That's the way to do it, yeah.

But it was getting to a point where, you know, we had a bunch of family members coming and, like,

Eating contests.

They were preparing shit.

We were preparing everything.

Yeah.

It's like bologna casserole, bologna soup, bologna sandwiches, bologna stuffing.

Bologna, what is it?

Yeah.

A green bean and bologna casserole.

Yeah.

Fried bologna sandwiches.

Like, God, these guys.

God, I can't remember the last time I had a fried bologna sandwich.

Oh, it's some good shit, though, man.

I just microwave it

do it on the fly

when you don't slit it and the bologna becomes

this big kind of like a mushroom

yeah it fucking bows up

yeah man

what you do is you flip it over

you should throw salt and pepper on it but then throw

some fucking red pepper flakes on it

pepper flakes

alright cool let's do some more pranks and get out of here

yeah I'm looking at a new bitch

a new prank show not a fat food show

I'm just taking a place of milkman

we're going to talk about food we're going to talk about playing

a guitar you're gonna like it we got one number left here mobile help mobile help that's all i

got institution that's all that is you're just lazy and want people to come and do stuff for

you can you use it for that huh let me see what this is let me go to the website mobilehelp.com

dot com of course if you were sure a mobile alert system i was one of those like uh here's a watch

and here's a thing and i fall and i can't get up that kind of thing oh okay yeah yeah yeah

I used to love those commercials.

See, you can run with that.

Can you run with that?

Because I'm tapped out.

Sure.

Thank you for calling Mobile Health.

Your call may be recorded for quality assurance.

Thank you for calling Mobile Health.

The next available team member will be with you shortly.

Thank you for holding.

All of our team members are currently busy assisting other customers.

Please hold for the next available team member.

We offer a free lockbox to Mobile Health customers.

Hello, is somebody there?

Yes, yes, I'm here.

Hello?

Yeah, hello.

Can you hear me?

Oh, yeah, I can now.

Yes.

Okay.

Thank you for calling mobile help.

My name is Janine.

Who do I have the pleasure of speaking with?

My name is Blake.

Can you spell your first name, please?

B-L-C.

Blake, B-L-C.

Yeah.

Talk to my parents about that one.

There's no A?

No.

There should be.

Like I said, talk to my parents about that one.

And your last name?

It should be an A and a K in there.

Okay.

Your last name, please?

And an E.

Your last name?

name uh it's frederson f-r-e-d-d-e-r-s-o-n f-r-e-d-d-e-r-s-o-n frederson

the only good thing about it is when with the shorter first name it's cheaper to print

you know when i go to do the announcement about my birthday in the paper it's cheaper because

they do it by the letter okay and may i have the best phone number to reach you at please

um yeah the number i called in on that'll be fine okay we just ask that you confirm your

information oh okay yeah no problem it's hello hello hi yeah he seems to be having a problem

with the phone hello yeah hi i'm here i'm taking over the call okay my name is orion are you calling

mobile help yeah yeah we're calling mobile help we're asking questions his phone is a piece of

shit so i have to take over did you need my name then orion whoever the system would be for would

Would it be for Mr. Frederson?

Orion is my name, A-R-Y-A-N.

So the system would be for you, A-R-Y-O-N?

Uh-uh, A-R-Y-A-N, Orion.

Your last name?

White, W-H-I-T-E.

The best phone number to reach you at?

812-2017.

I'm sorry, I need the area code first.

Ah, 808, Atlanta.

808-217.

Mm-hmm, 2017.

2017.

And what was the last?

2017.

Hello?

Yeah, I'm here.

Talking to you.

Waiting on you.

Okay, there was just a yell.

Someone just yelled into the phone.

That happens to me sometimes.

It's a condition I have.

And may I have your address, please?

Well, you're going to send me a brochure.

Can you email it to me?

We send out information on the system, and I can also email it to you.

How about you just email it to me?

To verify your coverage area, I would need your address.

Fine.

1-2-3 Fakay Street.

F-A-K-E Street.

Is there an apartment number?

No.

The zip code, please.

90210.

Beverly Hills.

Yes.

California.

Yes.

I have 1-2-3 Fake Street.

Fakay.

1-2-3 Fakay Street.

Okay.

Well, that's not verifying with my system.

It's coming up an invalid address.

put it in it's a new address it's horse machine ranch road but they're changing it i mean you

want to put that in how can i help you all right well you want some information yeah i want some

information i need an email i could maybe because of the woman thing you don't know what to how to

put in the computer look like this excuse me do what i'm doing here because i'm a woman i don't

know how to put it in the computer okay this call seems to be inappropriate you've said several

times you don't know what to do you stupid this call appears to be of inappropriate nature

Yeah, shut up, shut up, shut up.

I made a note of your phone number at 808-217-2017.

We ask you don't return your call.

I'm ending the call now.

It's Fa-kay, Fa-kay, Fa-kay Street.

She's like, what, to Bank Street?

No, it's Fa-kay.

Fa-kay.

You should have told her to close her legs.

Something like that, gosh.

This is inappropriate.

Get over it.

That's because she can't do her fucking job.

It doesn't make it inappropriate.

Exactly.

Good point.

So, thanks, Dwight, for being on.

You got any plans coming on?

Anything new?

No.

I'm trying to put together something maybe Friday for St. Patrick's Day, but fuck if

I know.

Yeah.

Are you getting a lot of snow machine tonight?

Or is it just me?

No.

We got maybe three inches.

Absolutely.

Oh, wow.

Fuck you.

All right.

See you later.

Bye.

Out of my ass.

Bye.

Fucking asshole, you hear him?

i'm all ha ha three inches 20 here motherfucker yeah all right so that was the first show i did

in three months i hope you liked it i hope it was worth it stupid people stupid assholes i'll be

back on i don't know i don't know i don't know maybe tomorrow i don't know you never ever know

madhouselife.com prankhallnation.com subscribe to all them podcasts that are listed on there

Including Big Fat Neon

Big Skinny Dwight

Slimming Down Matt Hillock

And Sexual Assaulter Brad Carter and Sloth

Dog

Anyway

Alright see you when I see you

Bye

Leave me alone

Calls (50, 2 h 28 min of 3 h 48 min)

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