MadhouseSearch

Madhouse Radio

30 May 2017 · 1 h 15 min · 8,856 words · source

Calls (25, 1 h 2 min of 1 h 15 min)
  1. Washington D.C. automated message ivr 2.2 min clip ↓
  2. KFC customer complaint about toilet live 4.3 min clip ↓
  3. Travel agency asked about sister in Mumbai live 3.4 min clip ↓
  4. Delightful Travel and Tours asked for sister live 1.8 min clip ↓
  5. Delightful Travel and Tours asked for sex with sister live 1.1 min clip ↓
  6. Perique Worldwide Media prank call live 40 s clip ↓
  7. Parade Worldwide Media ad prank live 3.9 min clip ↓
  8. Office rant playback playback 43 s clip ↓
  9. Invalid number message ivr 53 s clip ↓
  10. Tiger Woods news playback playback 33 s clip ↓
  11. Job seeker calls garden center about sales position live 11.3 min clip ↓
  12. UK lab research subject inquiry live 1.4 min clip ↓
  13. Tower climber job call live 1.8 min clip ↓
  14. Wrong number confusion with Jennifer live 3.7 min clip ↓
  15. Garrett Walker applies for cook job live 3.8 min clip ↓
  16. Brandy job inquiry about transporter live 2.5 min clip ↓
  17. Ceramic installer job inquiry live 1.5 min clip ↓
  18. Plumber recruitment voicemail voicemail 45 s clip ↓
  19. Sears mobile sales associate call live 1.8 min clip ↓
  20. Sears home improvement product support ivr 2.8 min clip ↓
  21. Home improvement products service menu ivr 2.3 min clip ↓
  22. Prank call to Remy Danton live 50 s clip ↓
  23. Carnival help inquiry live 49 s clip ↓
  24. Center Florida News 13 nostalgia call live 1.8 min clip ↓
  25. News 13 caller with Disney news tips live 5.7 min clip ↓

Transcript

Washington, D.C. to take back the White House.
Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.
Forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.
Our office hours are Monday through Thursday, 8 to 5.30 p.m.,
and Fridays, 8 to 1 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.
In the event of an emergency, please hang up and dial.
We have automated our switchboard capabilities.
You may choose from multiple menus.
Thank you for calling.
Please choose from the following option.
To spell a contact by name or enter the full 10-digit phone number beginning with 502-874, please press 1 now.
KFC, press 2.
KFC menu.
Please choose from the following option.
If you were a guest in a restaurant and would like to provide feedback, press 1.
KFC HR, press 2.
Accounting and payroll, including employee verification and W-2 processing, please press 2.
For quality and training purposes, this call will be recorded.
Thank you for calling KFC.
Please hold while we direct you to the next available guest services representative.
Hello?
Can I help you?
Yeah, hi.
Hi, my name is Frank, Frank Underwood.
I went to the KFC in Barberville, and I asked for a paper application,
and I have a complaint about that.
Which location were you calling about, sir?
Like, what was the city's name?
barbaville barbaville kentucky barbaville how do you spell that barbara barbara barbara
can you spell that out please b-a-r-a-b-o-u-a-r-a b-i-l-l-e barbaville what street would it be uh
highway 25e i do have that all right how may i assist you today yeah i said i already told you
at the beginning of the call i wanted to ask for a paper application and i had a problem with that
Okay, yeah, and what was your complaint about that?
Well, he said, oh, paper application, what do you mean?
You don't have a computer, he said.
And I said, no, I don't.
I heard about it at the job net, and they told me to come in
and pick up a paper application that has allowed this thing.
And he said, oh, if you want paper, and he said, over here,
the office is over there, and he pointed to the door,
and I opened the door, and I went in.
Okay, and what happened after that?
Well, let's just say that it wasn't what I was expecting.
well like what happened after that so like what do you mean it wasn't it was a very dirty toilet
with feces all over the walls doo-doo feces sprayed on the wall like spread on the wall
and on all the toilet seat and uh someone hadn't flushed or anything like that and then uh they
were outside laughing saying hey how do you like it in there how does it smell in there
like that and when did you visit this location this was today yeah this morning okay and around
what time did you visit this location or just so i can note that down i i'm in the bathroom right
now okay well i do apologize about what happened but at least i can certainly file a complaint
about this to the district manager for the location and dig if i can get your name and
phone number hello i'm in the bathroom right now so like i said if i can get your contact
information i can request the district manager to contact you back can you wait for me to call
call you back after i have my bowel movement and everything well you can call us back anytime sir
but i'm gonna have my bowel movement first now and then i'll call back that's fine sir okay all
right okay can you call this location and have them uh have the manager meet me up front please
no sir i can't do that why not what what are you what good are you then what do you do
you just the girl like i said the girl that picks up the phone the girl that picks up the phone and
writes in her little papers well like i said sir i already told you what i can do for you but
But, unfortunately, if you want to talk to the manager, you said you're already there.
Okay.
Are you going to go to the bathroom in between the time that I call back?
No, sir.
When did you plan to go to the bathroom again?
I don't have any plans to do that, sir.
Is there anything else that I can assist you with?
But when's the last time that you went to the bathroom?
That's irrelevant, sir.
No, it's relevant to me.
It's relevant to me.
This is all part of discovery.
Well, we don't take prank calls here, sir.
I'm not prank calling.
I need to know.
When is the last time that you went to the bathroom?
What's the prank about?
what's so funny about that i i don't remember so i'm not saying it's funny because it's not
okay that's why i'm telling you well you took a shower this morning before work maybe
okay did you take a shower maybe this morning before work or if there's nothing else no wait
wait there's one more thing with the last time you took shower do you think maybe you did a little
pee in the shower while you were there because it goes right down you know it goes right down
the drain so you don't have to well it's true though yeah hello hey hi yes sir how are you
hey my name is doug stamper how you doing good good how are you sir i was looking
regarding transportation to mumbai you're looking for air ticket to mumbai well not train obviously
you know no i understand but from where you call because from where from from how you mean air
travel like where what other way no no it no it is it was sure in london so we really don't know
i mean the phone number that it comes so i called the number 212 in new york maybe did i call the
wrong people hello yes i'm looking for transportation to mumbai from where to where
to mumbai going from new york from united states okay what date uh maybe one week uh i don't know
No, when is sister available?
Okay, next week, you mean?
No, when is your sister available?
Then I go then.
I mean, did you call the right number?
This is travel agency.
Yeah, NPR travel.
Right.
So you're looking for the airline ticket, right?
Yeah, airline ticket to go to Mumbai from...
Right.
Do you do LaGuardia or Kennedy?
No, LaGuardia, they don't have an international flight.
Only JFK or New Jersey.
New York, maybe.
Cheaper New York?
Yeah, we can give them New York.
Where is cheaper?
Where is cheaper, New York or...
LaGuardia
No no no
JFK is cheaper
Newark is expensive
Oh shit damn it
Okay yeah
Give me your number
I'll call you
My question to you then
Is when is
When is your sister
You know
Terabandi
When is she available
Then I go to India
You know
Give to her
Like that
No I don't understand
What do you mean by sister
I give your sister
American baby
American husband
I fuck her
You know
In India
Mumbai
When is she available
I have no idea
What you're talking about
Did you speak to
somebody else before or no no you you're terabandi you know sorry terabandi you know so i make chute
to your sister terabandi chute no i don't know you know how to have sex with sister no no i don't
know you don't have sex you know what is sex he doesn't know yeah good morning yes hi when is
sister available for me to go okay that is uh jfk to bomb mumbai yeah for your sister what is that
I'm sorry to see your sister. When is your sister available? That's when I want to go to be with your sister
That a bandy, you know, you're you're you're not polite, you know, well, I am bandy chute, you know
I want to tell a bandy chute. Well, that is that is your problem. Okay, the sister
Fucking your sister, you know
hello my name is stamper uh yes sir yes i'm looking for travel
uh sorry i missed your name what is your name sir stamper doug stamper just give me a moment sir
okay you're looking for flight ticket yes okay yeah can you please help me with your tentative
travel day now so that i can uh consent for i can ask consent person to work upon oh yeah yeah
you can have the day um ask your sister when she wants me to come yeah can you ask your sister
and she'll tell you when uh yeah you can go ahead and help me with your travel date well that's i
don't know your your sister your sister your sister knows she knows when she wants me to come
to fuck her i was thinking maybe you find out from your sister when she's ready for me
to come can you please help me with her name my name is stamper no no no her name oh i don't care
i don't care what her name is or anything i just want sister you know i am bancho i like to band
Granditude, you know?
What help you are looking for?
Huh?
What help?
Yeah, what help you are looking for?
Transportation to your sister, to where your sister lives.
Actually, we don't provide such services.
But you have sister, right?
Exactly what you are looking for.
I'm looking for a lovely sister.
Sorry.
Thank you.
Do you have anyone else?
Maybe have sister.
Thank you for calling Delightful Travel and Tours.
Please hold for the next available agent to assist you.
Yeah, hi, I'm looking for Raj
Yeah, this is me
Oh, hey, Raj
I need transportation
Where to where?
Where do you want to go?
From JFK to Reyna's house
JFK to Reyna's house?
Yeah, to fuck her
Oh, my name is Doug Stamper
What do you want from us?
I want Reyna
I want to make sex to Reyna, you know
I am a chute
I want to chute
What do you want from us?
What do you think?
I want pussy
For calling Delightful Travel and Tour
Please hold for the next available agent
to assist you the life of my pew yes hello reina yes you have lovely voice lovely boys lovely hair
lovely smile lovely body i want to make kissing all over your body raj said he's okay he just
wants to walk oh oh i'm currently i've been doing some prank calls and i'll continue doing prank
calls here until laugh track matt and zack's take over and about i do not know off the top of my
I think it's 1 o'clock.
No, 2 o'clock.
2 o'clock.
2 o'clock Eastern Standard Time.
1 o'clock Matt Hillock time.
That's right.
That is a confirmation.
Zags, right now, is with lovely girlfriend.
We'll be joining Matt.
We'll be making the computers go.
Thank you for calling Perique Worldwide Media.
If you know your party's extension, please dial it at any time.
For news in your times in Desi Talk Editorial, press 3.
For good job times, press 5
For operator, press 0
Hello, sexy girl
I'm looking to put advertisement in the Desi Talk
Okay, you are calling to one newspaper
And don't use these words, okay?
And don't call again
No way, come on, don't
I didn't say anything yet
But yet, we're going to prank
Thank you for calling Parade Worldwide Media
if you know your party's extension please dial it at any time for news india times
thank you for calling parikh worldwide media if you know your party's extension please dial it
at any time for news india times and desi talk editorial press three
hello hello yes yes i like to put an advertisement in the desi talk
desi talk computer magazine what kind of ad is this uh it's uh do you have half page ad
yes okay yeah it's uh yeah for a half-page ad half-page ad half-page what kind of business
is this uh it's for a consulting business uh so it's computer consulting yeah okay and then it
says so i wanted to say really big bhenchod and then our phone number on it it's gonna say really
big bhenchod okay okay give me your number and name my name is doug stamper my number is 202
two four one two or two two four one two zero one seven two zero one seven that that is tamper
yes okay so really big can you email me uh well what do i email to to stupid big big mustache
at india times.com uh um just you know you want to really place an ad you want to just time pass
this no i'm not time pass okay i want a picture of narendra modi you know and i wanted to say
They banjoed really big.
And then it says, call this number under it.
And then my phone number.
Okay, send me email at...
Okay, all right.
Do I cc big ugly mustache at indiaman.com?
Whatever it is.
Hey, do you use western toilet or just you shit outside?
What do you do?
Well, I use western toilet.
I sit down.
I don't know if you have a hole.
Does your toilets there have holes on the ground that you use?
No, no, no.
what do you do we are the same same human being right it's uh no but i know many indian many
indian most indian doesn't have toilet those that do it's more like a hole in the ground that you
squat in the squatting position and you don't use toilet paper you wipe with your left hand
and a cup of water samsung phone samsung phone samsung cell phone okay
I think.
Weird.
Narendra Modi.
Bhenchod.
Yes.
The Prime Minister of India.
That's the T-Mobile one.
T-Mobile.
75 minutes until Laugh Track fucking Matt and Zax of the Hair Clan joins us.
Well, joins themselves.
Joins us.
Not even an us here.
It's me.
But they will be starting their show off.
In the meantime, I'm here.
This is what you get.
All right?
And I apologize.
apologize i got a late start later than i wanted but i had stuff i gotta do because this is an
office and this is my office and i start at what time i want if you don't like it you got a problem
with it here's a beauty school yeah i got numbers from parkman also i think parkman is the person
who gave me this online newspaper indian indian only newspaper it's in english based in the states
but it has a lot of ads for Indian businesses here's a lawyer anyway beauty
salon yeah oh this is good because this guy put his office number and his mobile
number so we can spoof one as the other way the last excellent we are sorry you
have reached a number that it's connected or it's no longer in service
Wow beautiful call beyond your local calling area you must dial one and the
area code first. Okay, lollipop
killed. Tiger Woods is apparently found
asleep at the wheel this morning of his
arrest. On the morning of his arrest.
He was asleep at the wheel.
That's how he was found. Wasn't that how he was found
when his ex-wife went after him?
When they had the big fight Thanksgiving night
or the day after Thanksgiving or whatever it was?
That weird white lady.
What was her name? She had a weird name. Sondra
Green Sondra. You gotta step away for
a second. Shut up, asshole. Both of you.
Thank you for calling Kremlin. Forward, how can I help you?
I'm calling for a
sales position that I see here huh hello what did I do what did I do I went forward how can I help
you yes hi I'm calling regarding a sales position um we don't have any positions open at the moment
why does why does it say here that you have sales position open okay well I put you to the manager
they might have put something on there well hurry up little lady let's make it happen
Ward, how can I help you?
Hello.
Hello.
I was being transferred to the manager regarding a sales position.
One moment.
Thank you.
What are you doing there?
Paint the office?
Damn it.
Ridiculous.
Ridiculous.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hey, yeah, is this Mr. Manager?
This is Bo.
How are you doing?
Hey, this is good.
This is Pigmeat Markham.
Who?
Pigmeat.
My name is Pigmeat.
I was calling because you have a sales position here in the paper.
Yeah.
Okay, well, first of all, I called the little lady there earlier,
and she was like like that like she didn't understand what i was talking about if you got
women answering the phone why don't they know that you know you have positions in the paper
i don't guess they told them whoever put the ad on there you interested in it well i wasn't you
know now i'm a little worried about how they don't know how things are going on what what can i what
can i tell you about me uh have you ever sold cars before oh yeah i'm really good at selling cars i
actually was arrested for it where you live well i used to live in new york city in albany and now
Now I moved.
I had a settlement with the car dealership I used to work for,
and I bought myself a ranch out here.
It's a horse machine ranch.
Yeah.
And I was looking into selling horsies, but it's real expensive.
You need to get into that.
It takes a lot of capital to buy horse machines.
So I thought I'd start by going into what I'm good at,
which is car machine selling, move on to horse machines after that.
But I need to be able to put some.
Can you turn that down a little bit in the background?
No, sir, I can't.
You don't have control over it?
Sure don't.
Oh, shit.
All right, so what else do you want to know?
What is this?
What's the meaning of this?
People wanting to job sell cars.
I could come in, you know?
Come by and see us, man.
Want to take some pictures of me?
Yeah, I'm just trying to figure out my old bathroom echo.
I always forget the number.
Is it this one?
Let's see.
This one?
No.
See, this isn't the true one.
Here?
Maybe here?
No.
This is like more of an electronic echo.
I'm not the one I used to use.
Let's try this one.
Go, test, test, test.
Maybe this is it.
No, this is more like Word app.
It's the code word.
You know?
It comes, it moves, yeah.
It has these little stereo effects.
No, this is Word app.
Word app.
Does anyone know what I'm talking about?
I guess this is just as good as it gets for I'm in the toilet.
But there's a better one.
15, 15, 15.
No, see how long, how long, how long.
That's not it, that's not it, that's not it, that's not it.
Nope.
16, 16, 16.
hello hello okay this is more than natural one here we go so and then when i want to change
my voice pitch it's 13 huh no it's 12 it's 11 no 14 14 okay 14 and then 16 is toilet and 14 is
all right now now we can call from the bathroom looking for a job and then we have a little peeing
in the background or a little pooping something like that where's my pissing here it's about
all right back to a little bit of show we got about 51 minutes there and earlier i was playing
a prank by dwight called mentos diet coke and mentos that's what that call was sorry for the
wait i had i was giving some stock market device to somebody i'm working from home today that's
the job i do yep i'm a stock market kind of guy a broker because i broker back to parkman numbers
where are we at here garden center merchandiser okay
i saw new new sentence numbers
but those are controversial numbers i made the news recently and i don't want to get involved
in that what's wrong with you boy are you crazy they got investigations and stuff on people yeah
Yeah, don't you know what happened to Brett Carter?
Hello?
Hey, how you doing, honey baby?
This is Lucas Goodwin.
Not too good.
Uh-oh.
I was calling regarding job position you have in the PEPA.
In where?
Garden Center Merchandiser.
It's in the PEPA.
Can you go for a one-moment, please?
One-moment, please.
Hey, real quick, ma'am.
Yes.
Do you think it'll be more than like 60?
Because I have to pee really bad.
Do you think maybe I got enough time or no?
Should I wait?
Okay, could you please call back
and then I can transfer to someone in the partner's department?
No, I can wait.
I can hold it.
Okay.
Thank you.
Alright.
Hello?
Hi.
Yeah.
Hi.
I was calling regarding a job.
I saw you had Craigslist.
Where are you located?
I'm in the bathroom right now.
I apologize if you can hear anything, but I have to hide in here because my current job,
they get really mad if I was making a personal phone call on the clock, so I brought my cell
phone here into the toilet.
I'm talking about...
Oh, Kentucky?
Yeah.
Have you gone to our website and applied yet?
Well, I don't have a computer.
That's the only way we accept applications.
It's through the online process.
Do you take a Google or Google?
And I know my rights.
You're supposed to provide a paper alternative at any time
due to certain federal regulations and state regulations.
I know my rights.
You need to provide an avenue for me to be able to submit a paper application
either through the mail or to come pick one up.
Well, you can come down with Carolina and grab one, but well, that's not feasible
You can go to a library go now
Yeah, but what if I mean I'm trespassed from two of the three local libraries for sexual misconduct in the bathroom
Cuz I like to hang out in public bathrooms, you know interesting
Well, sir, you can be happy to go to our website fill out an application. There's no
There's no way I can go to the place.
I mean, it's for garden center merchandise.
I mean, I don't fucking get it, you know?
It's fucking bullshit, man.
This is bullshit.
You need to provide an alternative.
You need to make this work.
You need to make it go.
And this is how it's going to work.
No, that's not how it's going to work.
This is how it's going to work.
Right here.
Listen.
Sir, have a good day.
Tony, that's how it's going to work, guys.
I'm going to take a big shit.
Yeah.
And I'm telling you, that's not going to work.
You got a job for a property?
service where are you calling from well i have to go to the bathroom here at work because
they don't like no i would say they don't like it when i make personal phone calls
on the clock so i came to the toilet no my question is is what state oh kentucky
in kentucky yeah yes we are uh the easiest way to do that man text me your email address i'll
have you a vendor package did you catch that say what text me your email address i'll send it to
the greeting i'm done now can you tell me again what yes i said text me your email address
do what now yeah uk laboratory of human behavioral pharmacology this
hello hello yeah hi hi this is the uk laboratory of human behavioral pharmacology
oh hi how you doing i previously worked with the international university for the study of people
and i'm looking to provide samples human subject i can you know do feces semen blood saliva myself
are you looking for a job well i'm looking to be a subject a test subject research subject
participant okay um so generally one of the first things we do is a confidential phone screen with
you um it goes over drug history and health history you can take about 15 minutes you have
have time to do it right now sure all right well give me one second let me grab the form
let's go let's go still there hi stupid hey um where'd you get the referral on the computer
okay um was there a particular website you found it on uh uh computer computer google okay google
computer how old are you youtube computer okay um so no particular website or anything uh well
Well, yeah, I'm sure there's one particular website.
Okay.
Ben?
Hello?
Hello?
Hey.
Hello?
Hi.
Tower Climber?
This is Jennifer.
SRU Electric.
Hello?
Hello?
I'm sorry.
Who is this?
I'm sorry.
I'm getting some interference here.
If you could give us a call back, that would be great.
Who are you?
I'm here.
Hello?
Hi.
I'm so confused right now.
Hi.
I need 847.
Jennifer?
Yeah?
Okay.
Where is she?
This is me.
Who is the other person?
Oh, hey, honey, baby. Oh, that was someone else. I'm calling for Tower Climber.
Yeah.
Okay. I used to climb towers. I have experience. My name is Matt Hillock.
Okay.
Okay.
Could you send me an email?
Well, I don't have the computer. I mean, I can do it through Siri, maybe. Send email.
You don't have an email account set up yet. Just launch the mail app.
It will guide you through the setup process.
So what do I do now?
um is this your number i'll text you my email address uh what is your name i mean that's kind
of four don't you think like text i mean yeah sure if you want to go there already uh my name
is matt hillock matt fucking hillock yeah i used to climb towers in my neighborhood to use i used
to climb and peep at girls lounging in their backyards in the summer last summer and then
i got told i can't do that anymore so where do you live in kentucky how did you get my number
well it's in the the computer machine it says the computer machine i make it go the computer
machine watch computer machine go make it go right now i'm not sure i understand oh my gosh
you need to i'm gonna i'll text you my email address send me your resume computer machine
jennifer's a bitch there's no need for that who are you there's no need for you
motherfucker you i'm just trying to help you yeah you see that attitude i get typical woman
attitude i don't know who you are hi honey can i speak with jennifer please can you stop being a
freak i don't know who you are this is a completely different person a completely different person
matt somebody from kentucky who just called me a bitch i know who what's your name my name is cross
all right cross i don't know who you are i'm going to text you this is the first time calling you
no it's not okay anyway all right are you gonna text me that okay you text me some pictures of
of you also no you're labia are you do you know what is labia hello hello this is jennifer with
sru electric i'm either on the phone or away from my desk please leave your name and number
god damn it you're having trouble your message has been sent please try again later goodbye
hello this is walker garrett walker how are you i'm good how are you oh shut up i'm looking
because there's a job here for a lead line cook no why did i say shut up i'm gonna help you hello
Hello, my name is Walker, Garrett Walker.
How are you?
Doing okay.
How are you?
Oh, good.
Fine.
Splendid.
I see you have a job for Lead Line Cook.
Just one sec.
Okay.
Thanks for calling Pine Mountain Grill.
How can I help you?
Hi, it's Garrett Walker here.
I'm calling regarding a job opening you have for Lead Line Cook.
I'm sorry?
You have a job in the Craigslist for Lead Line Cook?
We have a front line position open.
Yeah, on the front line.
Yeah.
Yes.
Okay.
Okay, I was calling. I have experience with that.
I used to cook the batches of lead for lining sarcophaguses, coffins for nuclear waste material.
I lost my job when the Yuma Mountain Complex bill failed to pass in local Congress and was stopped.
So I'm looking for a job now, and I've been looking for a while,
and I see that you have a position here for lead lining.
It's a front line cook.
Oh, that's fine, yeah. I used to cook on the front line, the front of the line.
We'd mix up the lead, aluminum.
At a restaurant?
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, that's fine.
Wherever it is, yeah, I can do that.
I can apply the lead mixture, whatever alloys you need done.
I have great experience with that.
I have a bachelor's degree.
Okay.
And where are you located?
I'm in Kentucky.
What part?
Well, I live, you know, where Horse Machine Ranch is.
It's a new development out here.
What county do you live in?
And I think they're trying to work on getting a new county established.
It's in East Kentucky.
Okay, what county do you live in?
I think it's Horse Machine County.
I mean, the Google says that you're close to me.
It says, and I looked up the address, and I'm 0.2 miles away.
Okay.
Ah, shit.
I don't think that this is a very appropriate conversation.
Why?
Because I'm sorry I said the S word.
I'm sorry.
I was getting a phone call on the other line, and I said that.
I'm sorry.
I am only the assistant manager.
I'm going to have to have you call back Thursday and talk to the general manager.
Is that a man, not a woman?
It's a woman.
Oh, that's a problem.
That's probably what the problem is.
You have a preference if you talk to a man or a woman.
Because we have an executive chef that I'd be more than happy to let you talk to him also.
He'll be back Thursday.
Yeah, because, you know, that's why you don't understand me is because you're a woman.
You don't know how to make thoughts in your head connect.
Right.
And then when I speak to the woman, quote-unquote manager, that's, you know, that's your example there, you know.
Right.
Because God is a male and Jesus Christ was a male.
Thursday, we'll be expecting a call back from you.
Okay, stupid.
All righty.
All right, asshole.
Enough of that song.
Good morning, this is Brandy.
Hello?
Hi, this is Brandy.
Can I help you?
Hi, I saw a job for a non-emergency transponder.
Transporter, yes.
Yeah, I'm looking for that.
Okay, what about it?
Okay, I used to be assigned to the USS Aziz.
I used to work the transporter there, and it was for non-emergency situations only.
Okay, so I have experience with, you know, the different patterns, delta patterns, ingoing, ingoing, outgoing, ingoing, delta patterns, blocking on coordinates, taking commands for transporting people up or down, in-flight commands, inter-ship transportation, and planet-to-ship transportation, planet-to-facility, in-orbit and off-orbit.
Okay, great. I'm sorry, there's a lot of background noise. I'm having a hard time hearing.
I was in a bathroom.
I stepped out.
I also have several, I also have some experience with inter-war planet, inter-ship transportation while in warp, which is a very different, it's a different type of kind of transportation because it's very dangerous.
I also am the person who invented transparent aluminum.
Very cool.
Would you like me to explain about my sexual organs?
I'm sorry, your what?
My sexual organs.
what do you mean by that well did you need me to explain anything about my sexual organs
no will there that be a question in the interview you're like you mean your sexual orientation
no organs organs no no no yeah because i mean i could totally i like the kind of interview where
i sit down on the casting couch and maybe the woman says oh wow well you see you're interested
in this job you know she has like a pair of glasses on her hair is tied back you know
and a business suit and she's well we'll just take off your shirt you know we're just gonna
take some pictures here for our records and i take off my shirt and i show you my muscles and
my body and then okay have a great day i'll unzip my pants for you oh they know they want it
why am i asking about a casting couch 29 minutes until laugh track matt and
zack's hillock take over on telephone time formerly known as the phone show
time to install some floor ceramic
motherfucker you
hey honey I'm calling for
a floor ceramic installer
you're calling about the Craigslist ad
yeah I'm watching CNN here
is that too loud I'm sorry should I turn down
the news
what's the phone number that I can reach you at
uh that'd be 502
301
2017
what's your name? Stamper Doug Stamper
and you're calling about the installer
Yeah, I have experience pouring ceramic on the floor.
Gotcha.
Okay, well, I'll be happy to forward your information along.
And I kick it.
I kick it.
I kick the boxes.
I kick the different drums and containers and stuff.
I kick them all over the floor.
Oh, that was weak.
F*** this song.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, Big Matt, how you doing?
Hi, Private.
I was calling regarding licensed plumber.
Yeah.
Yeah, I like to help women out with their pipes.
Okay, that's all it took.
He thought for a second, what do I do?
It's Matt Clark, recruiting manager with Tom Drexler Plumbing, Air, and Electric.
I'm not able to answer my phone right now, but please leave me a message and I'll call you back as soon as I can.
Thank you.
Effeminate plumber.
You've reached Matt Clark, recruiting manager.
Who cares?
Okay.
This is Nicole.
Hi, how you doing, honey baby?
Who is this?
Oh, hi, I was calling for a job you have for mobile sales associate, right?
Who am I speaking with?
My name is Cross.
Your name is Cross?
Yeah.
Okay, let me just see here.
What, you eating lunch over there, big girl?
What's going on?
I'm sorry, who am I speaking with?
Who is this?
Cross.
You said Cross?
Cross, Cross.
I know, but I'm just trying to figure out who this is.
Cross, I'm calling.
My name is Cross.
It sounds like to me you're maybe, what are you eating, some chicken?
Damn it.
Hello?
And what's your first name?
Stupid.
And what's your first name?
Ross.
So it's Ross Cross, you said?
Yes, that's right.
And what location did you apply for?
What location?
in the building, inside, you know?
You know inside?
You know what is inside?
You hear.
Is there a man I could talk to?
Maybe because you're ignorant.
You don't know how to use a computer.
Yeah, there you go.
Stupid, wasting my time.
We're calling Sears Home Improvement Products.
If you need service or warranty assistance
on any of our installed products,
please press 1 for immediate assistance.
For all other inquiries, please press 2,
or simply remain...
Improvement, this is Daniel.
This is Ed Meacham.
What was your name?
Meacham. Ed Meacham.
Meacham?
Edward Meacham.
What can I do for you?
I need to make install. I need to make install.
Okay.
Install and make it go.
Okay.
How do you make it go? How does it go?
I don't know.
Let me look up your job. What type of work were you getting done?
Well, I'm looking to do the install. I make install. I am an install person.
Oh, okay, okay.
Huh?
No, it's just someone over here being stupid over here on the side. I'm sorry. Not you.
Okay.
um what not you not you hey man come on you're messing me up i'm trying to get a job over here
talking to the guy i'm sorry i asked him to leave motherfucker all right go away asshole
give me just a second i'm trying to do a serious fucking call with his dick neck on the phone
all right go ahead i'm sorry buddy all right i need some information from you real quick give
me a second to pull up the uh um and you said what was your first name again edward last name
meecham edward yeah meecham m-i-m-i-t-c-h-r-u-m m-double-e-c-h-u-m okay edward meecham uh what
is the name of the company that you work with the company that i work with do you work with
the company or just for yourself i'm just i have my own i mean i i used to i have a company but
this is independent international business installing machines and then what's your email
email address it's edward.meacham.pen15 at triple k.com uh i think it is yes no it's not
yes it is no it's not yes it is okay bye asshole
thank you for calling home improvement products if you need service or warranty assistance
on any of our installed products please press one
Here's some improvement, this is Daniel
Hey Sexy, how you doing?
Goodbye
No, hello
Goodbye
Who's the girl that was all shocked earlier?
Let's find her
Jennifer, right?
That's a pretty name, Jennifer
I'm looking for the Tower Climber Midwest position
Okay, what's your name?
Remy, Remy Martin
Remy Martin
Yes
Okay, what's your phone number?
It's 847-212-2015
Where are you calling from?
from these planes you're calling from this plane these planes okay um i the phone number coming up
isn't on this plane's phone number so i'm just wondering how did you hear about us on the
computer on craigslist i was in the library and it came up i was searching job net locally okay
i have authorized karma rescue radio frequency awareness first aid and cpr osha one zero hazard
Desert Communication, Bloodborne Pathogens, Valid Driver's License, Valued, Competent Rigger, Class C Driver's License, Aerial Lift, Boom Operator, Crane Signaling, House Operator, OSHA 3-0, AT&T, Ask Yourself, Tower Technician, Construction, Link to Other Online Properties, Portfolio Website, Blog, I have all that.
Okay, well, we're not really looking right now, so can we give you a call back when we do?
Bitch.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
15 minutes into Laugh Track, Matt Hillock, the king of the diabetes and alcoholism, joins us.
next number i've completely annoyed everyone who's
listening everyone tune out because laugh track mass come on and i got a big fucking napoleon
complex hello hello hello yes why do you keep calling this number because i need a job who's
this remy danton first name remy okay do you like chipotle leave the fuck alone i'll bring
i'll bring you chipotle god damn you sound so hot lose my fucking number you sound so hot when
you're uh angry you know that's about how it always goes when i'm out in the club the next
day i get them drunk so they give me their numbers and then i prank call them because
i think it's so cool by matt we're loined by matt hillock matt what do you guys have planned for us
at the top of the hour party time all the time drink till you get bubbles in your spine are you
gonna be calling that guy about the pizza like you always do probably the same it's the same
fucking numbers you know we don't very much a little bit of isabelle a little bit spaghetti
getty there yeah yeah yeah the pizza belly belly belly belly the pizza plays the pizza go go yeah
don't they think that zack's is tommy's son or something like that or is that oh that was a
different play yeah saffron that's what nunu's saying the saffron okay yeah yeah yeah are you
guys gonna write it now do you need more time let me see i just messaged him let's see i'm already
just trying to log into skype so yeah like 15 minutes is good man okay all right good then i
I can have my spring rolls.
All right.
I'll see you later.
Yeah, yeah.
Cool, man.
The show's been good, dude.
Hey, thanks.
Thanks, buddy.
Later, buddy.
All right, bye.
Shut up.
All right, he'll be back.
He'll be on in a little bit.
You heard that, guys?
Oh, my gosh.
So excited.
All right, let's do some more pranks until then.
Carnival help needed.
Carnival help.
I know how to help with the carnival.
I used to work on the cruise ship back in WW2.
All right, Mr. Call.
Be a nice person, and I will...
This hole.
Try him again.
Mr. Call.
got the tip lamp for center florida news 13 i used to watch that overnight i used to turn down
the tv in my bedroom i used to just leave that on 24 7 so i'd fall asleep with that on and i'd have
these dreams about the shit they were talking about in the news sometimes with the theme with
the button with the buffer songs and all that oh it was really weird they hired the flunkies from
local local news like they had the the black guy that was accused of molesting a kid like 10 years
before he got a job there let's see who else they had they had the weather guy what was his name
marty stevens there was this one weather guy he was like straight up like anchorman from the movie
you know will ferrell's anchorman he was like that but he was a local weather guy he wasn't
marty stevens though what the fuck danny trainer yeah in the 80s when i was growing up and then
And they found out, like, he was coming.
He was doing shows drunk.
Like, he'd stay.
He'd be sober for the 6 o'clock news.
Then he'd stay to do the 11 o'clock weather report.
He'd be drunk off his ass.
And he would come on, and, like, you could see he was all like, hey.
And I think finally at one point some new skyscraper was getting built in Orlando.
And they were talking about it.
That was the story before they went to him for the weather.
so they're like you know yeah and then the new sun bank building will blah blah blah and now
back and now for the weather for danny trainer and he goes that building's fucking ugly they
had to cut it off he was drunk tore drunk he lost his job they let him keep his job for a year and
he went through rehab and they had a little special about how you know what danny trainer
has gone to rehab and he's gotten better with the community and then they knocked then they dropped
that was the network that was the channel the affiliate the abc affiliate trying to save face
i think he might have died danny trainer let's see danny trainer trainer yeah because i know
at some point before the 24 hours local news station came out he was working at universal
studios as a bouncer at one of the nightclubs at city walk and he got rediscovered that way
because there was a holiday party for all the local news anchors and news people that were
holding a christmas bash where all the channels got together and stuff and the fucking bouncer
for it was like this guy he was like he's like letting people in and like they're all like all
the older cats are like dude we're danny trainer what the fuck are you doing we thought you left
town it's like oh no i've been a bouncer here for a few years and one of them you know got with them
and there you go apparently he uh danny trainer has a new gig with wkmg so he's bad he's on channel
6 now no shit they got itself together he looks old as fuck holy shit Danny
trainer look at you you look like fucking Marty Stebbins and shit I was
always a WESH channel 2 kind of guy till later on then there was a KMG guy
channel 6 and then I just got tired of local news I don't even watch it I
haven't watched local news regularly in like 10 years and they used to watch
every single local news local news is shit I don't care I'll read about it
on the local paper website.
Blah, blah, blah.
Look at that.
I just wasted time.
Seven minutes left.
I'm starving here.
Anyway.
All right, let's give him a call.
Let's give him a call.
Afternoon.
Thank you for dialing News 13.
How may I direct your call?
Hi, I have a news tip.
All righty.
Just a moment.
Let me put you at the news desk.
Okay, honey baby.
News 13?
Hi, is this the news desk?
It is.
I have news tips.
What's that?
I'm on vacation from Kentucky.
Okay, welcome.
I love Orlando.
I love Disney.
the i love universal yeah you don't like the traffic i know that's what you're going to say
right this was that the four the four it's a piece of shit yeah and you see the uh the stuff
that's being done i lived here 30 years ago and uh and we were in bad shape then and this the
stuff they're doing now is not even going to make a difference i'm sorry oh i know right this
Just transformation or whatever.
Hey, do you know Danny Trainor?
Do you know Danny Trainor?
I know of him.
Yes, he works at a competitor.
I had sex with him in a glory hole in 1988.
What?
In Daytona Beach, Florida.
Yeah, at the beach.
I had sex with him in the glory hole, yeah.
And we got busted by the police, and he's like, I'm Danny Trainor, he said.
I'm like, I don't care.
They let us go because of that.
he showed a card and everything and they said okay mr trainer wow okay yeah um so i'm on vacation
yeah and just i have a news tip here all right so we woke up today at seven o'clock and then
we're staying at the grand floridian and we we had a good breakfast today downstairs and then
we took the monorail uh to magic kingdom and we went inside the magic kingdom and then we went to
space mountain tomorrow world first and we went on space mountain and we got out and then we we
were uh we went to the cinderella castle we looked inside we walked inside castle okay you are you
making a point here yeah i'm just this is uh but there's a news i have a news tip though okay
what's that um and then we went to pirates of the caribbean and we went on the ride the paris
to the parrots of the caribbean the parrot was talking there was a talking parrot when you go
in to the parrot the tico the tiki room there was a talking parrot there and then we went to the
tiki room and these birds came down and they were singing and it started raining and then we left
that yeah okay that's where we had it before and then we went back so you'll need it for that
meeting there's a weather meeting back to tomorrowland yeah we got on the on the on the
speedway the go-karts the four-wheelers and then i found out you don't even need to steer you can
just hold the gas down and it'll go around the whole way because it's on a limited track it's
right yeah and then now we came back to hotel and we're gonna call a taxi and we're gonna go
to volcano bay it's okay did you have a point did you have a question it's a new place volcano
volcano bay is a new place i know we've been we've been doing the openings uh for the past week yeah
to signify that it's open so we're aware that it's open oh you know what else i have more
breaking news that they have a new one here called avatar world and we went to it we're
aware of that one too it's in uh it's in the animal kingdom it opens saturday and we went
yesterday and we stood in line for a long time we got in um the breaking news tip is that it's a
a piece of shit it's a piece of shit it is a piece of shit disney world now they got the avatar
part animal kingdom open saturday it's a two hour plus wait to get in and it's a piece of shit and
no one cares about fucking avatar anyway fuck avatar and fuck that cameron guy oh i love deep
water oh i jack off inside the fucking deep water explorer i came out my windows um i'm the i'm the
The lowest orgasm in the world.
Mariana Trench.
Tell me, if you were in one of those super submarines and you were by yourself
and you took it all the way down to the lowest point on the world in the ocean,
the Mariana Trench, tell me you wouldn't whip it out and jerk off there
because then you know I had the deepest cum shot ever.
Deep in it, man.
Yeah.
Deepest cream pie ever.
We're still here waiting for a go sign from Big Zax and Laugh Track Matt
back fucking hillock so we can turn things over yeah tmz tip line all right yeah wait a minute
hello oh hang on we got breaking news everybody hello hello are you going on you ready hi hello
are you ready because my sugar's low i need to eat something you're going on now please
sure yeah we got no music we got no shit god damn it all right i'll play a song to take us out you
You guys start, and I'm going to go.
All right, buddy.
Later.
All right, good.
Mock the hook.
Yeah.
Anyway, so that was the Madhouse Radio impromptu show.
Shorter than I would have liked, but I woke up late.
My bad.
As I've said many times already, party time is starting up here in a few moments.
They're getting their musics on.
Holy shit.
My music control matrix completely crashed.
Oh, no.
Maybe I can recover in the next 12 seconds.
if not we got problems um the next live show i don't know but be on the lookout for podcasts
because they're getting updated i'm now behind as of today i'll be behind nine episodes oh but
that's okay i'll catch up i'll catch up man what you're listening yeah what you're listening to
son that was supposed to be played today anyway um i will be back i don't know give me a month or
so i don't know see you bye

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