Drunk Pervert

I'm not playing no fucking games, dude.

I, I, fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making a stupid comment.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all night long.

You're not perfect.

What are you, piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

It's me, everybody.

Hey.

Hi, welcome.

Hi, this is Carlito.

I am on.

I am joined by, uh, let's see here.

I'm joined by, what's his name, Dwight McClanahan, Palindrome, RBCP, Jim Stewart, Dr. Lego, Zolar,

Reclude is here.

At Rainbow Falls Daily, my buddy.

People on the line, big show today, we're excited.

Milkman's going to be joining us here in about 10 minutes.

Everyone's here.

All right, let's do things on the phone.

What do we have planned?

We have free soda machines.

That's not going to work.

You can't say soda machines because that's something for real.

We have free sodas.

Free sodas.

And I dialed the wrong number.

You have reached the voicemail box of two.

Should we leave a voicemail?

You tell me.

Hello, sir.

Mr. Ronder.

This is Cross.

I'm calling regarding free soda that you responded to.

You were the winner.

You were the first person.

But since you're a little hussy and you don't answer the phone, we cannot do that.

So we're going to call the next person on the list.

and you can hear it i'm gonna call the next person your call cannot be completed as dialed

oh man this isn't working hang on hey baby ron that we're gonna call big nelly

hello hey is that big nelly oh hey nelly yeah what about what's up hey honey i'm calling because

i've got the soda for free that you've responded to the free soda and you responded did you want

the free soda yeah where's it at oh well you can come pick it up uh did you want to meet in a public

place um um yeah that's what i want to do um can you can you possibly call me back in like 30

minutes what are you doing now you're having sex i'm driving i'm driving to the house to drop off

some stuff oh it sounds like you're in the house but i thought maybe the guy was you know fucking

you right now you know no oh he's not when are you going to be fucking tonight so i can call you

you then i want to hear oh and uh that's what it's like uh so ronda get get get back at us because

they didn't answer well they answered you know you know what i mean right and message at the

tone please record your voice message when you are finished recording you may hang up or press

i thought it was leaving that message for ronda the whole time confusing right let's call back uh

nelly nervous nelly hello disgusting right hello hello oh you guys are here good hey what's up

carlito it's meningitis what's going on brother oh boy oh i didn't know you guys did that oh hey

what's up and uh yeah the horse is awesome nice to hear your melodious tones my brother

be honest aren't very melodious but thank you um palindrome you made this ad can you explain

what it is it's for free so no i i didn't i didn't make the ad actually just fuck up my

shit family from discord.gg slash pranks okay made the ad and he sent me the numbers all right

All right.

So he posted an ad for free cigarettes and then free expired soda.

Expired soda.

That's very important.

Okay, cool.

Thank you.

As long as it fizzes.

It wouldn't matter.

Whatever, man.

They air free soda.

They respond to the ad.

Is it grape?

Did you put in the ghetto area?

Hello?

Hey, I was calling because I put an ad and I have free soda.

And Terry was the person who got with me for that.

Is that person there?

Oh, Terry, no.

No, let me take a message here.

Hold on.

What's Terry doing?

I'm sorry?

What's Terry doing?

They're not here right now, so I don't know.

I have no idea.

Is he cleaning the shit out of the toilet maybe?

Who knows?

Okay.

Have no idea.

Are you his mom?

No, no.

What are you?

I'm sorry?

What are you to him?

Because I need to make sure, you know, that he doesn't get into some bad things, you know?

Are you his girl?

you're i'm just a friend oh nice you answer the phone for him that's quite a friend i guess more

than a friend maybe i mean i don't leave my cell phone around women's houses unless you know i've

been fucking them you know i don't know hey i know nothing about that i'm married to his brother

so i'm oh well that's i mean just the head you know just the head just the tip a little bit

isn't that's not nothing no one's gonna care about that no one's gonna tell anyway right

Anyway.

So was there a number for him to call you back in your name?

Well, he wants to see if he wants free soda or no.

I mean, I'm not calling back.

It's for free soda?

Yeah, free expired soda.

Oh, let me, you know, as soon as they come back, I will tell him.

Is there a way for him to reach you?

Well, I need the address because I'm sending, I got the five pallets of expired soda that he bought.

Five pallets?

It's two-thirds of a semi-truck full.

of expired soda okay yeah grape soda um there's a grape soda orange soda and something called red

red something red something i don't know okay well let me um red hit red hit red hit yeah okay

and there's also a there's a blue blue labia it says okay do you know do you know what is labia

though i don't know what that is no i don't so what i'll do is labia is the female vaginal lips

around the vulva as soon as they get back i'll have them call you okay all right oh is this the

number that they're supposed to call you at yeah that's right that's right honey baby okay okay

thank you all right sexy bye all right yeah now what a dumb bitch next one is for f word

you have reached the voice mailbox of seven i love when you call seven seven it's like the

seventh newest number hey and i'm leaving a message for and i'm sorry for not pronouncing

this right uh mr faggot if you could please call the number on your caller id back as soon as you

can regarding the free soda yeah free soda party here from 98.6 the mouth i stopped the message

To send your message, press 1 at any time.

To listen to your message, press 2.

Sure.

To re-register...

7th, like the 7th newest number.

Hey, I'm leaving a message for, and I'm sorry for not pronouncing this right, Mr. Faggot.

If you could please call the number on your caller ID back as soon as you can regarding the free soda.

Yeah, free soda party here from 98.6 The Mouth.

Yeah.

Oh, I forgot he can't hear the music.

so the music was for nothing but we all got to imagine happy music okay here's a here's a number

for you sir oh here's the number for me here's the number for me that's a that's a yelp check-in

right there at the at the hotel oh we yeah man that's some good shit back in the day in the

bro building used to be those copy paste that that's back when we were broadcasting from the

basements yeah you still had those fish tanks hey does this smell like fish tank that's a bad smell

well that's that's one we used to uh we used to grow fish sticks by the fire oh shit all right

so what's going on is this a yelp check-in about united uh yeah well no no no there's no no in the

uh the main discord here with the other mingers who are here not the private not the private

the public one here the public or okay yeah yeah yeah look at the viewer okay all right and uh

right right right okay they checked in four minutes ago dude uh that was not working

Ah, it's supposed to be for a hotel.

I will call the number separately and confirm.

Maybe it's me.

You know me.

You also sent Ray, who is Hertz at Hertz.

He's Hertz.

Hertz at Hertz.

He's very pissed at Hertz.

He's very pissed at Hertz when the green car was not there.

Oh, my car wasn't there.

Let me research a number for that company.

Poor guy.

All right, so I can go two ways.

If the United chat rooms can let me know what they want to hear.

You have your choice of a Wu-Tang vs. Jimi Hendrix mashup album, which is really good.

Or selected songs that I've thumbsed up in my Google Play playlist whilst I'm working out.

So, I don't know how to tell you to do it.

Just let me know about it.

In the next few moments, we'll move on from jazz.

I have the correct customer service number here.

Grab this number that you sent.

It has bad armature.

Armature?

What's it called?

Armature?

hello you've reached rr green photography i am unable to take your call at the present moment

please leave your name number and a brief my pen

rr green for the factography great let me change it out from a toll-free number so i uh i tried

that hotel and it went through and the lady was giving me all kinds of guff about transferring

oh yeah yeah she's like oh i gave the last name she's like oh well you gotta know the room number

And I'm like, well, he didn't have one when he left.

You know, he's my brother.

And she's like, well, you got to really have it.

And I was like, well, you know, this is his first name.

If that helps.

She was like, hang on.

Calls back.

Or comes back.

Well, maybe you need to try to get a hold of him.

I was like, I tried.

That's the first option.

But it's going straight to voicemail.

The hotel's the second option.

I wouldn't call you if he's got a cell phone on him.

And then she transferred me to him.

And then his ass didn't pick up.

So it was all for naught.

All for naught.

She transferred you somewhere else, Dwight.

That's their trick.

you gotta catch me outside your hose and check man your phone hose yeah you didn't you've reached

our fucking dork you hear that high of his it's a high all right yeah i had a radar going off i'm

not sure which one it was the yes the only the only um uh vote that i got here was to play both

songs so since we can't do that we'll just play uh both songs uh both musics uh let me think one

I'll play a few of the random thumbs-uppies, see if any of these are good, actually.

Here's some EPMD.

Going back to, holy shit, EPMD, this song.

It's like 92? No, it's 6, 5, 4, 3.

Maybe 93?

Maybe 93, maybe 93.

It still cracked me up when we called that poetry line on BTR and you recited that song.

You're like, sitting at home with my dick on R.

and he's like, no, no, no, no, no.

That's enough of that.

Absolutely not.

It was so hilarious.

Is this still on YouTube?

You had that on YouTube, right?

Oh, yeah, it's still on.

All right, find it for me on YouTube.

I'll play that.

I can play it.

All right, I'm going to play it.

Listen to it.

Go.

All right, I'm looking up A-P-M-D,

not with a J, with an H.

Not in Spanish.

Head Banner.

This song, let's see what Wikipedia may say.

yes it does headbanger

1992 so i was actually correct originally october 29th but i would have probably heard it in like

93 if that came at that late in the year i may not have heard it up until then because back then

like where i live new york got the songs from east coast rappers first for a while and then

they come out and that might not be accurate maybe they get them before release i don't know

I just know that whenever you knew someone who was flying up to New York for the holidays

or for a birthday or something, you would send them up there with a few cassettes,

like blank cassettes and stuff like that.

So they could just record like Hot 95, I think.

You guys still there, gentlemen?

Yes.

I heard a dunk in the line, and I got concerned that we dropped someone or something.

all right epmd yeah 92 um where was i dwight help me please

line where were we were we calling ryan okay well we hit some uh

twitter complainers still and more sodas uh so that one didn't go down coming up next

ally who says uh she was forced to check her carry-on bag paid 25,000 probably lost it

We promptly lost it.

You need to get a tile tracker on your luggage, everybody.

I'll tell you what.

Welcome to Verizon Wireless.

Found the, uh...

What color is that?

Excellent, my man.

Cool.

Throw me a link or, uh...

Yeah, a link, right?

All right, I'm going to try calling her again real quick.

Welcome to Verizon Wireless, the wireless customer...

She's dead, she's dead.

All right, here's this.

yeah hey thanks thanks for calling having me on this is ben but i go by the name bushido beef

i wanted to see if i could share a poem was this block talk this is right yeah it's like a poetry

thing poetry show yeah it was a poetry thing i think i'd already hit them and we called back

and you're like all right i'm gonna i'm gonna i want to do a couple uh bars here real quick

i meant to say bushido play and i said bushido beef i just ran with a poem that i've been

been working on it's real quick i have about eight bars right now okay okay i just i appreciate it um

all right can i go okay yeah go ahead i'm sorry i'm just a little nervous uh sitting at home with

my dick on hard so i got the black book for a freak to call oh shit if i could check what do

and i have bars africa beautiful yet an appreciated ricka is this good mama with africa

is this yeah yes africa a horror to the atlantic africa from julietta your brother and africa from

naya river niger africa rain and sunshine around the year africa will have greenery

that's jessica

who next

next is

serenity

and nico

africa

where the

dick nigger

cut home

into the

non

no black

yeah

hey

yeah

everyone get hype

everyone stand up

do some jumping jacks

here

yeah

put on a lot of gold

absolutely not

absolutely

He was already kind of like

standoffish because you had gotten him

Yeah, I had gotten him

and then you had gotten him

and then Gil Mumbo was calling in on another one

Those were the good days when there used to be

really good shows to troll on

VTR and now there's not dick on there

Yeah, they started getting

not greedy, but they started

going, not making the ad

revenue like they needed to

Ever since Brodsky

died, it's not been the same

He moved over to Ustream

We got him one time

After he moved over to Ustream

And he actually missed us

He's like, hey, we missed you guys

And we're like, hey, hey, we're watching

We see you

That's awesome

Rest in peace, Proxy

You ever try to call his family?

No, don't do that, I'm sorry

You want to fuck with his family, guys?

I'm pretty sure all that snake oil

Is what took him

shit end of strong fucking shit or whatever he was doing oh you know he used to kill me like

all the advice he's like oh you're gonna do this you know be an alpha man

all this hand holding and shit in public you can't be doing that

oh my god so someone forwarded to me like i didn't get a chance to cut it up yet but it's

some really douchey guy who i guess sold a plan for how to win over chicks just by talking to

of them and like the audios he's just like yeah so i you know i could tell you how i date rich

girls and i'm fucking wealthy and shit and successful and it's like really he's really

like a prick man oh yeah i gotta cut like tons of funny bits off of him there but i haven't been

able to you know edit that down um i did do a show earlier tonight this is the secret show

but i did do one earlier tonight um you want to see if i can find any of them franks did you get

to hear that uh no i didn't i was laughing about the one pound drum just dropped what

united call when like i had them all riled up and then you were the manager trying to make

things right and you were offered them basically like six bucks

he calculated it for the chick

the lady right

yeah he fucking shared it at the exact

part where you were doing that you're like okay

you're restraining for this long

$6.40 let's sit

oh shit alright

it's shared that part

so you said you would

delay six hours is it

alright well I could compensate you

for six hours

how much do you make a year

what's your annual gross household income um two hundred thousand dollars two hundred thousand

dollars six hours okay can get you a check for one dollar seventy seven cents that puts you in

bracket one dollar and seventy seven for one dollar and seventy seven cents that's okay you

can keep that check and that puts you in bracket one don't be an asshole all right uh cursing at

me you know it's late and i have i have a lot of shit i gotta do and it's really late and they put

Put me on these calls here.

I got a little shit I gotta do.

Nice.

Oh, my God.

That could be $1.66.

$1.77.

That's what it was, yeah.

Nice.

I'll see if I can find some more Twitter complainers.

We used to nail people with those fucking Twitter complainer calls.

How old was that?

How long ago was that?

Let me go back to...

Oh, shit, what am I...

February 2015.

Those are uploaded

fairly soon

and after the call, so almost

two years ago.

More than two years ago.

Yeah, a little longer.

We got a bunch.

The one where you're stuck in the crawlspace

at the window.

You need the burger to spell

your way out and shit.

Remember the Hawaiian elevator one?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that was a recommended one right next to that.

Shit, where is it?

Yeah, you were stuck in the goddamn elevator.

Then I was remembering 4th of July and Paladin, yeah, 4th of July.

That's coming up.

But the last two times, I don't know, like, the sound effects somehow,

that first time that I did it with, like, me, you, Turbo, and Llama,

that shit was funny.

It was funny, but then the other times we tried, and it's just like,

Like, yeah, it doesn't sound real.

Like, then I'm trying to do, like, that fucking car alarm sound effect.

Because we were outside.

We were doing it in the parking lot.

We were asking gas stations if we could shoot them off in the parking lot.

Dude, but that first one where, like, I think a good two hotels were, like, freaked out.

Yeah, with the alarm going off.

Because, like, llamas hitting it with a bat, you know, in the background.

He was kicking it and shit.

And Turbo's like, oh, put the water on it

Turn the fire, turn the fire, or whatever

The shower head, put the shower head on it

Yeah, there's the one you were talking about

The elevator

She'd be stuck in the fucking elevator

We called her back, I think almost a year

To almost the day

And she was like, oh, that's funny

On the top of the elevator

He's in the shaft

What is he doing in the shaft?

Beats me, he told me to call you

You didn't have your number

He's in my shaft

In my basement?

No, up your shaft.

What floor are you on?

I have no idea.

Okay, wait.

I'm up here, and the elevator keeps going up and down,

and eventually this mic will come up to me, and maybe I can write it down.

I can barely hear you.

So what is your name?

Huh?

Are you in Waikiki?

Yeah, yeah, my name's Brian.

What?

Brian Bolt.

What? I'm sorry, what's your last name?

Ryan Bolt, Ryan, Ryan Bolt.

I can't hear you.

How do you spell your...

You said Ryan Bolt.

Ryan Bolt.

Bolt?

Yeah.

Bolt is the last name?

Ryan Bolt.

I can't hear you guys.

Ryan, Ryan Bolt.

Okay, his last name is Bolt?

Yeah, it's Ryan, R-E-I-A-H-N, Bolt.

And the last name is Bolt?

Yes.

You're fucking stupid!

I'm scared!

Excuse me, I'm trying to find out where you're located.

I've heard him before.

When he gets angry like this, he starts kicking shit.

Okay, can you calm down, Ryan?

Because what floor are you on?

I don't have anybody in my cameras.

I'm in between floors or something.

I don't know.

Excuse me?

I'm in between fucking floors or something.

I don't fucking know.

Where are you in the elevator?

How did you get into my elevator shaft?

I crawled up to the elevator ceiling and took the panel down.

Oh my God, why are you doing that?

Okay, what floor are you on?

Please get out of there.

I need you to come down here.

Team 2?

Yeah.

I'm just making noise at that point just to be brave to be an asshole.

I'm going, ah!

What's perfect is the video, like the dings that you're playing are matching with the video,

the elevator going up and stopping.

Back, back, out of the ceiling tile.

Jose, I need your help.

Please come in the MLB office now.

Excuse me?

Hey, yeah.

Okay.

Well, the elevator wasn't running, so I got on top of it.

I fixed it.

I spliced two wires, and it started moving.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Okay, so that has me on the phone.

The person that has me on the phone.

You're talking to me and my brother.

You.

Okay, what's up?

How did he get into my elevator?

He said he took the cover off the top, and he went up top.

What elevator was he in, number one or two or three?

Hey, Brian, which one are you in?

She said one A or C.

Oh, I don't know.

Like, I don't know.

Someone came to my door.

Can you send him to the office?

Yeah, Jose, can I smoke up here?

What is he wearing?

He wants to know if he can smoke up there.

No, no, no.

What elevator was he in?

He didn't tell me.

He said he did, he said, what'd you say, two?

I, I don't know.

I don't know.

One of those numbers, yeah.

I gotta take a shit.

Okay, wait, are you, sir?

He says he has to take, he said he has to take a shit.

I gotta take a shit.

Okay, listen, excuse me, sir.

I need you guys here.

I'm trying to rein him in.

Sir, sir.

He's defecating in the, in the vent.

He's defecating in the vent.

Oh, this is Michelle.

Hey, what happened?

We got disconnected.

connected i got to a bad area i need to be registered to a room here at like as a sex

offender what a fucking bitch excuse me yeah yeah what's going what's going on

i need phone number the one that just called me the one that just called you okay you got it's 808

oh jesus you got the you got the phone number yeah your phone number yeah 808

923

381

Okay, I need to know

offhand, was he

in the service elevator or the guest

elevator? Were you in the guest elevator or

service?

I think he's defecating in the ventway.

Zip it up, we're trying to get you out of there.

Was she asking you?

Oh, she wants to know if you're in the guest elevator

or the, did you say the staff elevator?

The service, I'm not

I'm not in the service.

No, I'm not in the military or anything like that.

He says he's not in the military.

No.

I'm not asking if he's in the military.

How did he climb up into the...

All right, all right, all right.

Shut it off, Dwight.

Thank you.

I mistake your piss for shit.

Hey.

I had a lot of coconut, you know?

We've got to do more live calls in the now, all right?

We need to work in the living room.

Did I ever get to try Allie?

No.

I don't think so.

It's not ringing because she doesn't have her shit.

I'm presuming she lost her charger.

Tony!

The Gestapo United Tactics.

I was told you were working on us, Brian.

he's got some complaint about united everyone just ragging on united now so

thing to do now you know thank you for calling tony nash please leave your name

kind of gathering stop my ass it's going to be very wild maybe that's part of the song

like turning the key thank you for calling tony nash style please leave

it's a shame i haven't been able to get one of these yet i'm in the movers on twitter

players you know we'll get there we'll get there don't worry don't feel bad it's not on you

fourth of july though right did we ever find the original show with the fourth of july

mayhem the original do i do uh i've got yeah i've got those you think it's there it's yeah

i'd like to hear that just that that was a fun night

Rest in peace, man.

All right.

How about some of that soda, right?

Yeah, let's do it.

If anyone else needs to be added to this, you let me know.

All right?

Yo, Jinx, man, we got to find somebody that's down for hers, man.

All these girls sipping, man.

Who do you think fit the category?

I think we did not call Cher on here.

Let me set my caller ID, correct?

This is what you're talking about.

Let's see, let's see, let's see.

Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.

That's what I'm talking about.

Are you sending it?

Did you send it?

Yes, this is it.

Yeah, do it.

Yes.

Dope.

You said you're staying here in the hotel?

Yeah, I'm staying here.

Oh, shit.

Smoke alarm going off?

Well, I think it's your smoke alarm.

Yeah, I'll plug it.

Okay, don't worry.

We'll have HPD come to your room.

Hey.

Thank you.

No, don't do it.

It's going off because our neighbor was smoking out front.

Servo's excuse is classic.

classic oh no it's the neighbor he was smoking ignore the pops and whistles oh good times so

i'm presuming it's july 4th of 2015 there is yeah let me check it it is yes that is of 2015

that's you can find it on youtube is it on youtube or you just have it on that was just

an audio file i had on my computer i'm sure i believe it's on youtube i think so too yes all

the calls are strung together i think just that one fourth of july we had like six calls

that we did like that.

Good times.

Alright, back to numbers, back to

soda, as I was trying to say.

And, and, hopefully the answer

is out. This is Big Chris,

MC Chris. Please leave your message

for 2-0.

Also got some pictures for you

from last week's show.

You might have recognized one from a call you did.

See if you can pick it up.

From the artwork you're saying here?

Yeah, from Nick Caesar, from

scary-art.com

So the first one, there's a trailer, there's a woman

on top with, I don't think

it's that, alright

and let's see, the second one, a cross

a turkey being thrown

and I'm presuming

it's a black girl who's

in her bra and panties, carrying, yeah, okay

yes, I remember now. Yeah, that's the same

one, remember where she was gonna be dancing

on the trailer? Oh, that's in the trailer?

Yeah, she was gonna dance on the trailer

and then we got the, she said

She said she was also going to be carried across around.

They're going to throw chairs at her and food at her.

Chairs and shoes.

Oh, boy.

All right.

Good times.

That was the last episode.

I fell asleep in that, you know, and I heard it was great stuff.

Is that out yet for people to listen to?

Is that coming out?

No, I just got that from Nick Caesar.

Hopefully, I'll put it out sometime tomorrow.

Okay.

Okay, cool.

Awesome.

Be on the lookout for that.

YouTube, I guess, is the best place.

Man, you've got to get that podcast going again.

You know how many people I get asked me all the time,

when's that new light podcast coming out?

Oh, I get that kind of shit, too.

They're like, why haven't you promoted Dwight up?

And I say, I can't promote Dwight to a higher rank because he doesn't have a podcast working.

What's even better is I keep telling them to go to my website that's no longer active.

And they're like, that's not active.

And then I just keep promoting it, and it pisses them off even more.

It's the ultimate troll.

One day, it'll be activated.

I'm planning on trying to get the iTunes going, at least.

Not a big deal.

just go to all the videos that uh i don't know the recent show videos i guess and just

rip the audio and uh upload them to the itunes okay all right cool hey here's uh another attempt

let's go soda let's go he's in alabama so i think that might be why we're having trouble

hey no name i'm my name is rex i see that you replied to me for a free soda

Soda? The ad for free soda?

Yeah.

Yeah, I would like to give you free soda.

How much soda do you like?

Okay, it's midnight and I'm asleep, so I don't...

But soda, free soda, yay!

Come on.

Soda, no wait.

The soda, the soda's coming.

She dreamt that.

She did have a cold.

Hello?

Thank you.

Soda, come on, bitch.

Get your soda.

She's tired.

she ain't gonna pick up again that's the name of the soda it's bitch soda blue labia jimbo

jimbo's here does anyone want to do it i'll do it i'm talking jimbo

hey that big jim huh that big jim yeah you want you wanted the free soda the soda from the list

the soda um run that by me one more time yeah on craig's list you you replied to me you say

you want the soda you know it's past the sale day but it's still good soda we got pallets of it you

say you want it you say your name jim ah okay i'm sorry i you know i'm just oh yeah it's no problem

i know it's kind of late you know i just got off of work i was at the soda bottling plant and so i

just got home so you still want some sodas uh i believe so um trying to think if uh shoot me a uh

buzz me tomorrow when i'm i'm not you know elbow deep in this i'm working on and uh we can get

together for something oh what do you what do you elbow deep in your sloppy wife's pussy or what

yeah no um just working on stuff what are you working on asshole you know i took time out of

my day to call you and now you're you're rejecting me like i'm some type of immigrant

no i'm just trying to work on some stuff here on what is it drugs because you're not specifying i

think it's drugs no no i'm just uh getting ready to sandblast some parts you're gonna sandblast

you know what i use like the really fine grit sandpaper for sometimes is when you rub it on

your dick to punish when you're masturbating and then you use alcohol you know rubbing alcohol and

you rub it down there and it burns so good uh-huh why you want to haunt me you you treat me with

respect huh fuck you treat me with respect motherfucker you understand that that's number

number one you don't want to know number two uh oh man i'm tired sorry yeah you are tired you're

a tired excuse for a man you maybe you're caitlin jenner maybe you're not i don't know but i'm

gonna find out why are you giggling what's your problem oh nothing no nothing nothing nothing is

more like it so what you want to get this i got like three palettes i got i got the grape i got

the rock and rye. I got the

red pop. I got all this Faygo.

It's ready to go. Going back in a few

minutes, man. Let me finish this. I gotta put the

phone down. In a few fucking minutes,

man. You know, this stuff is

volatile. It could be no good in a few

minutes. Shit. He left.

I did not do that. He left on his own.

He's an asshole. He's an asshole either way.

Whether you did or he did. An asshole.

Bounce house, Randall. Bounce

house. Oh, yeah.

We're gonna put some kids in there and then we're gonna deflate it

on purpose.

No, I have a better plan.

I have a better idea.

Hello?

Oh, Bounce House.

Bounce House.

Hello?

Yes, how can I help you?

Yes, hi.

This is Bounce House Rental.

Excellent.

I want to do something for my wife with the Bounce House.

I wanted to have her for the anniversary, to wake her up, anniversary morning.

How soon notice you need to have?

When do you need it for?

Well, anniversary's coming soon, you know?

Maybe Sunday?

We have something available for Sunday.

Yay!

How big bounce house?

How many people at home?

It's 13 by 13.

Okay.

So it can take up to 500 pounds.

Okay, that's perfect.

Yeah, it could be like three adults at a time or 10 kids.

It depends on the size.

She's a skinny little thing.

She weighs like 119.

Oh, yeah.

out and yeah she can be on it and you can be on it yeah well because um what we're gonna do the

night before we're gonna we're gonna take a lot of ambien you know because we get real crazy on

ambien so she'll fall asleep and then i can like usually pick her up and move around and she doesn't

even wake up because she's little she's little she's you know like i'm putting out my pinky

finger you know like little like that making that thing to you you know like that little so um how

How many cubic feet of air does it hold?

Well, you just need to have the blower going.

Yeah, well, I want to layer in it, you know, but I'd like to fill it with helium, you know.

And I understand that it probably won't lift up, but it might be enough for her to kind of float a while, you know.

And I just want to start kicking it and kicking it and kicking it down the street, you know.

And usually she does...

please leave your message oh come on i have so much more story to say

the lord baby strollers anyone want to call baby stroller any of you yeah i'll do a stroller

All-Stroller.

These are in Phoenix.

The Great Phoenix.

The Google subscriber you have called is not available.

You never...

The Lugol?

Lugol?

Sports tickets instead, Dwight.

This is for you, if you'd like.

Oh, yeah.

What kind?

Phoenix.

Let's see here.

Stand by.

That's right.

These are from Parkman.

god damn well that there's no other basketball games going

their hockey teams aren't in it uh phoenix does have a hockey team but that's in the

finals maybe baseball yeah diamondbacks

um the only experience i have with my arizona diamondbacks you know that year that they went

They went to the 2001, I guess, they went against the Yankees.

They won the World Series, I believe.

The day after, this guy from Phoenix came to this bank I worked at to do a training.

And we took a break, and he had just been saying that he was a big Arizona Diamondbacks fan.

And I got this whole Fairweather fan kind of thing,

because Arizona hasn't had the Diamondbacks franchise for that long.

Let's say, what, since some time in the 90s?

Not even, right?

Diamondbacks started when the Tampa Bay Lakers started.

Maybe about the same time that the

floor got the devil rays.

Yeah, the devil rays.

Which are no longer the devil rays.

They're just the rays because the Christians were like,

oh, you can't be doing that. You can't be calling them devil rays.

Well, no, because it's the white devil.

No, it was the whole black thing.

Oh, my goodness.

That didn't sound right at all.

That didn't sound good at all. Sorry.

Yeah, so I asked

him, like, really in a loud voice,

normal loud voice. Well, everyone

was on break, and it was just me and him in the little

room at that point and i said so you think the diamondbacks will be able to have a few more you

know uh pennant runs and stuff and he acted like he didn't hear me and just stared at his paperwork

i'm just there's no way he did not hear me he did it on purpose he was like you should have

documented in his uh file pussy well no then i i walked out of his meeting i didn't do that

fucking meeting i was gonna quit that job anyway and ended up quitting it pretty not after that

you know i was like fuck that guy and i got told that i shouldn't have walked out all the training

anything for the new system i was like i don't give a you know i was like oh i'm sorry but you

know he was really rude to me i'm sorry but he was a cocksucker then they asked me why why how

was he rude to me because they wanted to bring it up to his management all that i said well i asked

him a question about baseball he didn't answer it to me in break when everyone was gone and i got

the feeling because i'm hispanic yes dude you don't understand there i had to do they hired me

me to do one thing and it ended up making me some kind of accountant and i'm like fuck accounting i

don't want to do this shit they had me working out of quickbooks and stuff i'm like this fucking

sucks like putting you know crunching numbers oh whoa great you know and it was an office full of

all women and one gay man uh and and me and then the one boss big ed he was a skinny little

little fucking uh he looked like the dad from elf and whenever and whenever he read paperwork and

stuff you know how some annoying people will use their pointer finger as they're reading along

you know like well this guy did that but instead of his pointer finger no it was even better it

was his middle finger that he middle finger yeah and i'm not kidding you and he had like this

this parkinson's kind of a little bit of a shake going he was like late 40s or he's like kind of

you could tell it was going to be fucked up in 10 years he was probably going to like you know

know be in a wheelchair she was like mcvickerson from beavis and butthead there you go yeah but i

hate oh my god that place was so it just broke my soul it hurt me so much just look being there

and it's it's a weird oh it's so weird this is so so weird um and that's and that's why you hate

women now because he kept giving you all the paperwork and instead of giving to the women

the honey babies but honestly if it wasn't for jobs shitty jobs and customer service and offices

and shit like that that i had to endure through those days i wouldn't have the madhouse and you

know that i channel so much of that and i'm starting to forget it just because i'm getting

old and senile and i'm diabetic and i'm starting to forget things so i feel like i'm losing touch

so um but you're probably forgetting the best shit you're like yeah yeah you know fuck these

guys eight months three days ago i realized i'm old it just hit me all of a sudden i looked at

myself like i'm an old machine i don't know i don't want to turn on video i don't want to do

calls of mass confusion anymore because i don't know how i look anymore well it's because you

don't want gi to get arrested again he's all about doing it now he was taken at the court

we should have gotten so much press out of that man yeah he should uh he's gonna have to go out

of state now no he's gotta go over is he close to a border do you know he'd go international he'd

go to canada if he just wanted to make a weekend of it and once you're not showing your face dude

I get a lot of stuff.

Number one big complaint, bigger than the podcast complaint with you, is the face complaint.

And I'm being respectful, and I know I'm deflecting those and saying I prefer not to make comments about Dwight McClanahan that he should make.

Well, they're going to find out.

The more they bitch about stuff, the more I'm not going to do it.

So then they go, oh, you're not showing your face.

Yeah, keep bitching about it.

It's not going to happen.

Or, oh, the website's not working.

Yeah, keep bitching about it.

It's not going to happen.

No, the iTunes.

Keep bitching about it.

It's not going to happen.

Do you have a bad scar?

Yeah, I got a bad wrestling injury as a middle school student.

I have a scar that goes from my left eye just to the side of it,

and it goes across my cheek and almost to my mouth.

So you were sucking dick in the locker room, right?

No, no, it's been known.

It's this asshole headbutted me during a match.

Ritual hazing.

No, he fucking cracked me.

He cracked me with his head.

So you had to suck his dick, right?

No, no.

He was from another school.

They were the pirates, but we called them the butt pirates.

Oh, yeah.

Did you guys eat bologna?

Bologna?

No, not in those days.

It was Twizzlers and Lunchables.

Oh, look at you now.

But turkey Lunchables.

You had nice dinner today, I heard.

You know, that's good.

Doing good.

Today?

Oh, no, today.

Shit, today I made a taco meatloaf.

It was good.

Taco meatloaf, sir?

Oh, it was fucking fantastic.

So you put taco seasoning in meatloaf, and that's what you did?

No, I didn't.

No, no, no.

I put regular seasonings.

I didn't put taco seasoning in.

But, you know, you throw a little cumin, a little chili powder, some oregano, salt and pepper in there.

What did you do?

You put onion.

You put some cream.

No, you put cream corn into the meat, too.

And you mix it up.

You put some, oh, shit, what is it?

panko breadcrumbs, get it all

mixed up together and shit.

And then you take taco sauce

and mix it with a little ketchup to top it.

And then you put it into the oven

and it was pretty damn good, actually.

It was the first time I made it.

Sounds pretty whack. No, no, it was actually

pretty good. Where's the cheese?

Oh, no, no cheese, no cheese.

I don't put cheese in no damn meatloaf.

Of course you can.

I don't put no cheese in that shit.

It's taco.

No, no, no, but I put

but instead of using taco sauce,

I put habanero sauce mixed in with the ketchup

to make the topping.

That's where you get the spice on the back end.

Okay.

Good stuff.

Bob Vance has joined us.

Bob Vance, how are you?

Hi, I'm here in the blank space.

Oh, cool.

Yeah, remember the blank space?

This isn't where you're supposed to meet us.

You're supposed to meet us on the astral plane.

I'm sorry.

The astral plane.

I'm getting there.

I'm going to get there.

So do you remember?

You don't remember blank space.

You just remember us telling you

about the whole blank space thing, right?

Yeah, that's right.

I was very, very intoxicated.

Are you doing any

ayahuasca tonight, or

peyote? No, ayahuasca.

Actually, I got some interesting

stuff today that I'll tell you about later.

I'll just say it.

Have you ever heard of DOB before?

DOB? No. Date of birth?

Date of birth, yeah.

No, it's...

I'll hear that.

I'll explain.

That just fucking cracked me up. I just remember that

where you kept pointing to Blake's face.

yeah i don't know i don't know what the fuck i was talking about

we're like what are you pointing at you're like blank space

so it's it stands for uh two five dimethyl oxy four bromo amphetamine and it's called

and it's a psychedelic amphetamine substance synthetic chemical wow china i mean china do

do you think russia i don't know where it's from actually i think i'm pretty sure this stuff is

made in poland yeah so i just got booted out of here uh i heard it on the news today people

were making a big hoopla about um the fuck was it hello oh yeah audio uh that can get you high

like you're on uh yeah yeah it's that's called a binaural beats i've heard about that for a while

out but that it wasn't really a thing yeah it it's it does it is weird like if you if you actually

do what you're supposed to and you like lay down completely still close your eyes and then put your

you have to use headphones or it doesn't work and you just lie completely still and just listen to

the sound and like focus on it it does make you feel really weird but when they say like oh this

one makes you feel like you're on weed and this one makes you feel like you're on acid that's

totally bullshit but it does it does have some sort of like consciousness altering effect yes

we're talking about i dozer yeah do you have to do you have to crank the volume for it to work

right would you say or can you know you you have to you don't have to turn it up really loud but

you need to be able to like hear all of the nuances do you have to hear it over with so

like with noise counseling make this easier to attain as opposed to just regular headphones

uh that might help sure should i make it as quiet as possible dark they were they were showing it

on the news and like they were showing people like laying down they like had like stuff over

their eyes like a uh a towel or something with headphones on and like they were twitching like

they were having a fucking seizure yeah i think i think it for a while it was i mean if you look

up the science behind it it's real like it definitely has a consciousness altering effect

but i think a lot of people exaggerated it just for attention according to meningitis they were

just doing the funky chicken they were reviving it yeah well that makes you think like i don't

know how like i just my mom would you know quote unquote rest in the lord as it would do in spanish

like you get so into the the praying and the group prayer that you start you pass out and the lord

and i was like my mom was never a person alive but you know like every once in a while like

they'd be in a prayer group and everyone's praying and someone

will start speaking in tongues and then uh my mom would like just pass

passed out and they would pray over her and then she'd just come out of it like i saw it happen

all the time it was really that's a real that's a real thing too that's called religious ecstasy

yeah yeah yeah that's that's a really interesting thing too the um the sufis like the the sect of

islam they do the whirling have you seen that before no no i have not oh that that's really

cool too and they they do the same thing where they like spin around in a circle and they say

they like feel connection with god and they like trip the fuck out and they like have all these

visions and shit the sufi mystics are really interesting sorry he's getting high pentecostal

church with his girlfriend at the time and he said like he was sitting there and he's like

he's like they all started speaking in tongues and like like people started passing out he's

like i had to like get up and walk out the hallway because i was about to start fucking

breaking down laughing and he's like then some other guy walked out and he's like you're here

with their girlfriend too he's like yeah he's like i don't know what the fuck's going like

they're just sitting out there like that that's just too much fucking crazy for me uh i think

this is the last time i'm coming yeah that was some crazy shit though babe yeah some religious

ecstasy huh crazy and you can buy it at your local corner store i've uh you know i've gotten

into some weird shit in my life and let me tell you there's there's a lot to all that stuff you

You ever do any Crocodrill?

Crocodile? No.

The Crocodile is just for people who can't afford heroin.

In Eastern Europe, basically.

Yeah.

And the thing that makes it bad is that they home-make that stuff.

It's like codeine tablets and stuff that you get from a hardware store.

And you brew it up in your bathroom,

and then they'll attempt to shoot it into a vein,

but then they miss the vein,

and the like corrosive substances in the shitty drugs that they make like gives them gangly

causes tissue necrosis and that's why they get all scaly and nasty like crocodiles

that's a fucked up shit man and it wasn't originally like uh an eye medication though

and that's another yeah it's it's an eye medication but it's mixed with codeine tablets

tablets so it's just really for the coating tablet then that's in there okay it's it's like

a they modify it somehow to make it more potent like the chemical reaction between the eye drops

and the and the tablets wow hold on a second all right cool all right everybody we're gonna

continue here with some more prank calls what do you say guys yeah oh fuck yeah big prank party

party tonight oh how's the girl hey now you guys know i'm a girl for a trans testicle horse saddle

did i do the horse saddle i don't know let's do it anyway you didn't oh good thanks to parkman

for these numbers we still have free cigarettes i believe and free soda uh dwight may be working

on some other stuff i don't know but a complainer pool was kind of today night hello oh hey how you

you doing there you got a horse saddle i yeah i do okay great great is it in good shape you keep

it nice and clean brush it i brush the saddle yeah sure well you have to kind of you know with

that hand brush to keep the thing that's down on it you know you put a little bit of saddle oil on

it and brush it in you know i mean if you didn't it's cool it's just nicer but i it just takes a

little more work to get it i have to season it you know oh yeah uh how extensive was it used

What's that again?

How extensively was it used?

Yeah.

Oh, a little bit here and there.

Not too much?

Okay.

All right.

Yeah, because I imagine maybe, okay, how big is the beast then?

Was it you that wore the saddle while your man got on top of you?

Oh, yeah, totally.

Is that what you want to use it for?

Well, we're trying to make a baby, you know?

You try to break it in a little bit more?

No, trying to make a baby.

We're trying to make a baby.

yeah my wife and i yeah you gotta yeah you gotta break it in well that's how babies come is from

writing you know you the mama the daddy on the phone like a cell yeah yeah because because i

walked in on my mom and dad and uh they were like that on the floor and i said oh my god and they

said we're not we're just making a baby like that and it was my yeah my daddy was writing mommy on

her all force and he was like sitting on her back is that when you joined in and it smelled like

poop too and they were like no because the horse you know the horse she just poops you know

on the ground yeah that's all it is honey you know so yeah that's how you eat it no no oh no

no no you just watched yeah but that's where baby comes from from what i understand so

from horse poop well no the mommy and the daddy uh the daddy yeah the mommy like a horsey in the

bedroom on the floor yeah but only if you watch for a little while for a little while no it's

something like that okay well yeah i still have it for sale but it might be a little stained okay

how many children did you have with your husband in the saddle well just in general well well it

matters though because because it's for the saddle so okay we had 10 on the saddle wow it's a good

saddle yeah wow what brand saddle is what brand the circle y it's one of the good ones that's

really yeah wow i can't wait to use it you know i know right can i smell it yeah of course okay good

okay uh is husband there that i can talk to no he's not i'm sorry it's things got so uh carried

away that he actually passed on i'm sorry yeah so not only are there some stains but there might

be a little bit of like blood or something you know was he in vietnam was he in vietnam no not

Not when that happened, no.

Oh, my daddy was in Vietnam.

Yeah.

Right on.

Right, okay.

All right, well, I'm going to go, and you go ahead and you dream about the saddle tonight, okay?

Okay, but when do I get the saddle?

How can I come see it?

Tomorrow?

Not now.

It's late now.

It's not a good time, right?

No, it's a little late.

Okay, so when?

Maybe.

Maybe I'll call you.

Oh, yeah, sure, tomorrow.

Tomorrow works.

Well, will you answer?

You know, it's not weird.

Things aren't weird.

No, no, not at all.

Okay, all right.

All right, have really good dreams about the saddle, okay?

Oh, about you, maybe now.

You have a really pretty voice.

All right, bye.

I'm going to punch you in your face and kick you in your eye.

I'm going to pull on your breasts really hard.

I'm going to pull your skin down.

I'm going to pull your skin down and make holes in you.

Whoa, I went to a dark place again.

I've been doing that a lot lately.

Don't know how funny that was, but it was interesting.

I turned into a man baby.

Stamina table.

This table gives you stamina, it says.

What's a stamina table?

We got a stamina table.

Looks like it's for doing crunches or something.

I don't know.

Lost White or a medical or a health expert.

Hey, you have stamina table?

What?

You have stamina table?

Stamina table?

Oh, the stamina.

Okay, yeah, I see you have it.

Yeah.

Because I need to know is for how many people can use?

Just one person or two?

One at a time.

Okay.

All right, because I wanted to put your puta madre on it, you know, and get on top of her in it.

Okay, how about yours?

No, I don't have madre.

How about yours and your sister and your grandma and all your family?

Well, one at a time, one at a time, please.

One at a time, all the fucking bitches will made it.

Yeah, but I get some nalgas from you, you know, a little bit of nalgas.

No, all you fucking bitches are flat, man.

No, but you lay down on it and I'll fuck you from the behind.

If they flap, what are you going to do about it?

There's nothing you can do.

I'm going to break holes in you and fuck the holes inside your body.

I mean, there's nothing you can do.

I'm going to bite you and eat you.

Nothing you can do with those fucking bitches.

They're the same like you.

You're just talking silly nonsense now, stupid asshole.

What do you want now?

Well, I want to come see you.

Come see me?

Yeah.

Why?

I'm going to come to...

Where are you going to be, motherfucker, you?

Who the fuck are you, motherfucker?

My name is Valente.

Valente, chingas a tu puta madre, Valente.

Eh, eh, eh.

A tu putisima madre, hijo de tu pinche puta madre, wey.

Así de ese pelo, wey.

Chingas a tu puta madre.

Is that okay?

No, fuck you.

Is that okay?

You want some more, hijo de puta, you son of a bitch, motherfucker.

Fuck you, motherfucker.

Is that enough?

I mean, you want some more, hijo de tu pinche puta madre?

Isn't that enough?

Man, forget enough.

You fucking puto motherfucker.

You can't grow a mustache.

You don't know me, bitch.

I'm like a Viking, motherfucker.

Hijo de puta.

Chingas a tu reputa madre.

You and the motherfucker that told you to call me.

Fuck you both.

It was smiley.

Okay?

Yeah, smiley, smiley.

I got your phone number.

I'm going to track you down all the way, motherfucker.

Fuck you.

You're not going to do shit, motherfucker.

So I can fuck you in the ass.

Fuck you, motherfucker.

I'm going to track you down.

You'll see.

I'm going to fuck you in the ass.

I know a hacker.

He know how to do everything.

Oh, shit.

Man, see you soon, motherfucker.

Chinga to puta madre.

Come see me so I can fuck you in that nice round bubble butt of yours.

Go fuck your mother, motherfucker.

Go fuck yourself and your mother and your sister and all your fucking family.

Motherfucker, chingas a tu puta madre, hijo de puta.

Okay.

All right, Joker, don't be crazy.

Okay.

Okay, motherfucker.

See you soon, pinche joto maricón, hijo de puta.

What do you wear?

Tell me what you wear.

I wear your mom sometimes.

No, but when you come, are you going to have like a shirt with just one button up top?

Let me see.

I'm going to have a big sign that says,

Chingas a tu puta madre, go fuck yourself, motherfucker, and some other things.

You'll recognize me very easy.

And I can give you a call before I get there.

I can text you when I'm outside.

There's one problem.

What else do you want, motherfucker?

There's one problem, motherfucker.

My apartment complex, we have the bumps, you know, speed bumps when you come in.

Oh, you live in a fucking pervert apartment

company only for faggots.

Yeah, but your car won't make it.

I don't go to those places.

Because you're pussy.

I don't go to those places.

I'm surrounded by real OGs.

MSN motherfuckers.

You won't do shit, motherfucker.

So, are you going to give me the name

who told you to call me?

Smiley.

You know Smiley?

Yeah.

You know who that is?

Smiley?

uh-huh no mike mike mike mike mike yeah or smiley or mike mike who's mike fucking mike

you know peter you know mike it was several guys the perez uh rodriguez was there gonzalez was

there no i think you got the wrong number pendejo no yeah putamadre echevarria and the

diaz brothers said to call you you got the wrong number pendejo i don't even know who you're talking

But here's why I'm not scared of you, pussy puto,

because you're not going to be able to get your lowrider piece of shit rice burner car

over the speed bump, several of them, on the way to my, you know, I have like moats.

No idea what, hey, fucking pendejo, no idea what you're talking about.

You ever hear about those things before?

Hijo de tu pinche reputa madre, maricón, cabrón de mierda.

You and Mike go fuck yourself, motherfucker.

I don't even know who the fuck he is.

Me cago en tu madre, pendejo, maricón, puta, mamagüevo, malparido, whatever chingada, you're still a fucking pussy, you don't come and see me, I got the wrong number, you're still a pussy, eh? I don't give a shit.

The wrong number, the wrong sex, the wrong face, the wrong voice, the wrong...

Meet me at Walmart, meet me at Walmart, unless you're a pussy.

You're a fucking...

Meet me at Walmart, motherfucker, unless you're a pussy. Come on, motherfucker.

Okay, give me one more we're talking about.

Which one? You tell me.

No, you tell me.

No, you tell me. You choose, motherfucker, unless you're a pussy.

You're the one calling me to offend me, pendejo.

I called to buy the sexual table that you own.

No, you call about the table, and when I explain to you, it is only for one person.

You say you want to put your fucking mother on the table.

That's what you told me.

No, I said you.

Well, go ahead and put your motherfucker on the table.

then you can put your fucking sister that's when the whole thing starts i thought you were a normal

person a regular client oh i forgot i'm sorry i'm sorry but you start you start fucking about it

oh yeah i'm sorry man i have no idea i'm on adivan i'm they got me on adivan and ambien i

my my aunt died two days ago two days ago in the morning you know i just been drinking a lot of

yingling light you know and i had some old that's what it is that's what it is i had some old butt

ices here yeah and i was drinking also you're a fucking drunk and drug addict and all those things

i don't smoke i don't drink i never juice rocks in my life yeah but you suck dick you suck dick

it's worse you're going to hell i know i know hey i know what you're trying to do i know who

send you to call me i know everything what are you gonna do you know well you'll see i'm telling

you you'll see what are you gonna do yeah i see you're gonna see what happened motherfucker you

don't know me and the fucking and the fucking guy that told you told you to call me you have

no idea who you're messing with okay whatever whatever you're i'm gonna track you down and

And I'm going to give you a surprise.

Okay, I'm not scared.

Okay?

I'm not scared.

Be prepared.

Okay, who am I?

Be prepared.

Who is it?

Say who is it and I'll tell you.

Be prepared.

I'll tell you if it's them.

I'll help you.

I'll give you all the information.

I give you all the information.

I have a hack.

I don't need your information.

No.

I know a guy.

He's a damn hacker.

He know how to track you and anyone else.

No, but I can tell you everything.

I'm going to give you a surprise.

No, no, no, no.

You're going to get a call.

No.

Hey, you're going to get a call from me.

No.

You're going to get a call from me two, three minutes before I kick your ass.

No.

Okay?

No.

Yes, pinche borracho hijo de puta.

No.

Fucking drunk, pervert motherfucker.

I'll be your bitch.

I see.

Yeah, you're going to meet me.

You're going to meet me soon.

We're going to meet each other soon.

And I'm going to give you a surprise.

Okay?

I'll make you a nice breakfast and everything.

you think you're gonna be sorry about it man because i don't mess with nobody but nobody

mess with me fuck you okay like i say i don't drink i don't smoke never juice rocks on my lap

i'm vegetarian and all the good things in life all the good things in life but you are the opposite

and also a fuck it right you see so you get the wrong number but you you already mess with the

a wrong person. I'm not scared of you.

I'm not scared, Jose.

Okay, Jose. Bye, Jose.

It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter what you feel or believe.

It's not up to you

no more. Okay, pendejo.

Okay, pendejo.

Okay, chingas a tu puta madre.

Mal parido.

Track you down.

Bye.

Oh, I'm sorry, papi.

Come on, papi. No, papi.

What the fuck you want?

No, papi. Fue mal entendido. I'm sorry.

Come on, man.

Hey, you already made the mistake.

No, man, come on.

Now you're going to have to.

Now you're going to fix.

Now I'm going to fix it for you.

Fue un malentendido, no.

I'm going to fix it for you.

No.

This guy, and you're going to miss.

I'm going to show you the damn hacker.

He's a damn, he can track even the NASA, the Pentagon, anywhere he can go in.

No, papi, no, no.

So I have your number right here.

I'm going to track you down.

See you soon

No, papi, no

No, come on, malentendido

You better go to Cuba, man

You better go to Cuba

Because I'm going to track you down all the way

Fue un malentendido, no, papi, no

Okay

No, it's not un malentendido

It's not un malentendido

You troll me, you start throwing shit on me

I didn't say nothing wrong

Yo no te dije nada malo

Pero ya, pero ya, déjalo

Déjalo pasar ya

Yeah, how about him, papi?

Bueno, nada más tienes que aprender una lección.

Cuando chingas con un hombre,

cuando chingas con un hombre como yo,

vas a aprender una lección.

Y te voy a dar una oportunidad.

No, ninguna lección es necesario.

Por favor, no.

Te voy a dar una oportunidad.

Despídete de tu familia.

¿Cómo?

Tienes suficiente tiempo de despedirte de tu familia.

No, come on, no sea así.

No, no, no, no, no.

But they are going to have to know what they're going to know.

So I get to get it.

And I tell you, but I don't know.

And I mean, I mean, I, for.

For. For.

Okay.

Tell us this.

It's all about the ability.

I, for.

For.

The man who.

Okay.

Me. I know.

We are.

I see.

It's the time I know.

Don't know.

Man.

Oh, that's super.

Don't know.

But for.

All.

Don't know.

I mean, I.

I don't know.

for this hacker to give him the name?

He'll give me all your information

in a few minutes.

No, it's not necessary, please.

Because my mother is in hospital too.

Don't play like that

because they're going to come

and kill you.

It's not necessary, please.

No injuries necessary.

Okay, I know that most. Bye.

Motherfucker. Fuck you.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

I thought you hung up. I'm sorry.

No, I didn't hang up. Now you're going to pay for it.

No, come on. No, malentendido. Come on.

that was really funny

back and forth at the end

I begged him I said I was on my knees

please I think he thought I was a kid

there is one point where you

said something and he goes

okay

I said come on

my mom is sick

his reaction was really like

as organic I don't know

what else to say but it was very

funny

i'm gonna give you this opportunity like oh thank you to say goodbye to your family no no no come on

that's what he said at first so you know i'm not a bad guy that was good uh that guy's awesome

uh you're very low dwight hasn't come back right did you say i'm low yes you are low i don't know

know if it's a miami all right buddy meningitis talking dad what say it again what okay you are

talking and you're low so it's more than likely on my end not on either of yours let's see what

i did here i turned it all the way up okay good good i'm all the way up i'm all the way up that

again it's fine if you feel like doing it do it oh shit i shouldn't sing i shouldn't sing i shouldn't

do that you should i should the judge said i shouldn't um excuse me the judge said i get

violent and irrational when i sing rap music this is like some juvie judge

i sent you not to listen to rap music anymore i will shoot you the care of your mother

i hope you learned the lesson did that mexican guy's mom yeah you want to try to talk to him

see if you can talk him into like saying hey man my roommate made a mistake uh yeah we can get you

some money dude dude him up all right yeah yeah yeah let's see if he picks up i'll offer him some

phone cards okay can you leave your phone number and i will call you back as soon as thank you i

wasn't 100 convinced i was real thought he was uh doing a live voicemail message

I think he's working on getting the head out

It sounds like a machine

Is that a home number?

No, I don't think so

Anyway, that's funny though

He's probably talking to his hacker friend

He hacks the NASA

and everything he's telling me

He hacks the NASA and everything

Esteban

Esteban, your cousin

He's good with computers, right?

i can't hack him like that probably just some kid who's really good at like uh nintendo switch

or something he's like do you does he have pc or mac i only know mac

24 hour numbers

trip a roadside assistant

trip a roadside

assistant

Ventana is window.

Manzana is apple.

Yeah.

Thank you for calling AAA.

Welcome to AAA roadside assistance.

Please enter all 16 digits of your membership number.

Jesus.

I got a.

To continue, please enter all 16 digits of your membership number.

My fortune cookie says you're going to get a lot of pussy this weekend.

issue on my end. Excellent. I hope I sound okay

to you still. Yep.

Wonderful.

You sound

perfect. Work air.

Work air.

And then I'm going to try

a stamina table

I guess.

Press 1 now to place your

order. If you're calling about

an order you've already placed, please

press 2.

We have two great ways you can order.

Press 1 to order through our safe and secure automated system,

or press 2 to speak to a live agent now.

Please hold. Someone will be right with you.

Thank you for calling the Rotor Racer Order Center to ensure proper handling.

This call may be recorded.

My name is Oscar. May I have your first name?

Yes, hi. My name is Remy.

Thank you. Are you calling today to order your Rotor Racer?

I have questions first.

Go ahead, please.

Will it shave pubic hair?

Yes.

How many would you like to order today?

How many do I have?

How many?

Yes.

How many road erasers would you like to order?

Maybe just one for now.

I mean, is there a special if I get two?

Is there a deal?

Come on.

I just asked if pubic hair took that long.

These places seem not to fuck around with me anymore.

We had a 22.

Chicago Tribune

tip line.

Let's try Roto Razor again.

Actually,

are any of you still

willing to talk to that angry

Mexican guy? See if maybe he'll take it easy

on you.

I will.

Try him again? He's

so angry no he's not damn

Damn.

We had our fun, I guess.

Oh, InventHelp.

Sure.

Thank you for calling InventHelp.

This is Teresa.

How are you tonight?

Hey.

Hi.

Okay.

Are you calling to get help with your invention tonight?

Hi.

I'm doing good.

Information?

Huh?

Yeah.

Are you calling about your invention?

Yeah.

Okay, this call may be recorded for quality.

We'll get your information and have a representative give you a call.

May I have your name?

George.

And what's your last name, George?

Foreman.

F-O-R-M-A-N?

F-O-R-E-S-K-I-N.

And what's your zip code?

32808.

Is that Orlando, Florida?

Fuck yeah, 407, reppin'.

And the street address is what?

It's 127 Horse Machine Ranch Road.

Oh, wow.

What a name for a street.

Yeah.

H-O-R-S-E-M-A-C-H-I-N-E?

No.

First word, horse.

Uh-huh.

The animal.

Second word, machine, like the machine.

Uh-huh.

Third word, ranch, like dressing.

Uh-huh.

Then R-D.

It's named after, there was a horse ranch over here, and they used to.

Oh, really?

The owner was...

So they named it after him.

Well, no, the guy, they called him the machine.

He was a big wrestler back in the 1920s.

Oh, okay.

And he was so strong, he would pick up the horses and throw them in this wood chipper machine.

Oh, I can't believe that.

Yeah, he did.

He did a lot.

I don't believe that.

A horse is pretty big.

He took a 50,000...

No, he could pick them up like that with two hands.

He'd throw them in there.

Oh, no, I don't believe that.

He also took a broom, and we'd hit dogs with the broom, and they would jump it.

I don't like that.

Yeah, and he would urinate all over the people watching.

That's not nice.

He would wrestle.

He would pull out his penis, and he'd start urinating on them.

It was way early in pro wrestling.

So that's why this street is called 127 Horse Machine Ranch Road.

Yeah, because he killed the horses.

He was the machine.

Oh, don't say no more.

Yeah.

That's horrible.

So what's your phone number?

He would punch his wife.

Like his wife said, I'm pregnant.

Oh, no more.

And it's getting worse and worse and worse.

Well, his wife was pregnant and he said, I'll take care of that.

And he put down his whiskey bottle.

No more.

I can't take any more.

He punched her right in the belly and the baby came out.

What's your phone number?

I don't believe any of that.

So what's your phone number?

She had an abortion just like that.

And then he picked her up and he threw the wife down the stairs.

What is your phone number?

Okay, are you going to give me your phone number?

I don't want to hear that.

He took a cast iron pan, skillet, and he hit the wife on the side of the head and all her teeth came out.

That's the machine, Orlando's famous machine.

Rest in peace.

Big statue of him with a horse.

I don't do piss jugs.

I'm not Nashby and I'm not LF Tribe Matt Hill.

Hey, there's no shame of using a piss jug, you know?

Well, when I've been in the hospital.

It sounds like a good idea.

Sometimes, like, if you do a lot of drugs and you, like, can't get off the couch, it's better than pissing yourself.

God damn, that seems like shit.

But, yeah, you're right.

You can just wear a diaper, though.

You can shit, too.

No.

Wear a diaper.

Come on.

No, just piss in an empty milk gallon.

All right, I'm going to be right back.

I've got to take that break.

You behave yourself.

I'll talk to the audience.

and I'll tell them about my life and my experiences.

They won't hear you.

Just a heads up, though.

What?

They won't hear you because your volume is going to be down so I can pee.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

Damn it.

Listen to Prank Calls and Music.

Bye.

All right, everybody.

We'll be right back with that.

Yeah.

MadhouseLive.com.

Madhouse on Gort.

Madhouse at G-O-R-T.

Thank you.

The NDA will be back right after this.

But I hope that when you die, put your GPS in your box and a trapdoor at the bottom.

So when you die, you open a trapdoor at the bottom, you check the GPS, and you go straight down.

Madhouse Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll all be behind you.

Do not let a woman in.

Ever.

Make me hear you.

And Dwight's back.

We're also still joined by the horse Bob Vance and Palindrome.

Palindrome, it's good to see you guys.

Guys, I'm going to change my ID and try to speak to the nice gentleman with Mexican accent who so nicely threatened me.

Dwight, did you get to hear that?

Hang on, let me turn you up.

Dwight, did you get to hear that Mexican man being very angry at me?

Yeah.

Cool, man.

No, I did.

Oh, you see what I mean?

You missed the best part of the show, other than the ringing.

That's the best part.

Where'd you go?

I thought you got mad or something.

I don't know.

Yes, fuck them.

Damn them right

Damn them right the hell

I did find something funny

Checking up on the guy that got

You know got arrested

For you know his driving privileges

I don't know if you saw that video

Apparently he was re-arrested again

For the same shit

And yelling at the cops

Just earlier today

Does he not learn his lesson

Is this the guy that you

From Facebook live

Recently

He was yelling at the cops

About his driving privileges

And calling them assholes

and shit you gotta be kidding me locked him up again fucking stupid holy shit

yeah i'll play this shit real quick you know i'll fast forward a little bit

looks like you're under suspension do you have your purpose also stop it is it

he's got his factory yes sir cops being nice to him by the way huh how long have you had the car

a couple months. You ever been stopped at the 10 before? Never been stopped at the 10.

Where are you coming from now? Huh? Where are you coming from now? Doing an estimate.

Doing an estimate? Yes, sir. Are you keeping a log with you? Yes, sir. That's right. I love it

right here. I use my phone. Okay. Well, where's that at on your phone? I need to see your,

of course, as part of your driving restrictions, it says in here that you have to keep a log,

a written log as far as you're driving. No, I said just take care of log books,

but like I want an app called Home Advisors. Okay. And they got a log in there. Where's

your log at for today? What you mean for today? I'm going to need something to log today. It says

right here, those present verification to a law enforcement officer may result in a citation

for driving under suspension. When people call my phone, I pull up one of them and I give them

an estimate. I just got done giving an estimate right now, from 906 West Ridge Street, you can

pull up and call them and ask them that. Well, that's just what I'm asking,

did you write that down in your log or anything? No, they just called my phone,

I straight put up over there. I get phone calls, I get homologous, like the log day,

I get all that. They just called me, I'm just gonna straight pull up and give you an estimate.

Okay, what type of work do you do? Landscaping, sir.

Landscaping? And hauling services.

is this okay all right hang tight for just a minute okay yeah we gotta get some information

i'm gonna take a look at your window tent we'll see what we're gonna do with it all right my

window tent yeah i got so many times my window tent sounds like you should change your window

tent buddy even if they're legal maybe he's just drawing too much attention hey y'all wanna fuck

with me well sir you don't have a license that's why i got driving privileges man again with his

driving privileges from the first video his driving privileges okay well you're not you're

You're not going within the scope of those privileges.

What do you mean?

I'm giving an estimate.

You're on a hardship license.

It's right here, bro.

Okay, but it's not.

I'm giving an estimate.

There's nothing written.

I'm giving an estimate, bro.

Don't stop fucking with me, bro.

There's nothing written.

Don't stop fucking with me, man.

All right, bro.

Hang tight.

You hang tight, nigga.

All right, bro.

Actually, step out of the car, man.

He did it.

What?

What's up?

He's being nice to you.

All right, do you have anything on you?

No, check me.

Check me.

Check me, man.

What?

You keep fucking with me, man.

You need to relax.

I'm coming for work.

You're being detained for driving under suspension.

Man, damn.

I have driving privileges, man.

It's going to be cool with him.

I don't be in detain.

I hope he's tased his ass right now.

I am too, man.

Man, kid, learn your lesson, bro.

Seriously.

Calm him down.

There he is again.

Yeah.

He keeps talking about his privileges.

He thinks people calling him is keeping a log.

It didn't work last week.

Why do you think it was going to work now?

Seriously, man.

Come on.

We played the race card last week

I'm surprised you didn't play it at this point

Because it didn't work from last week

So now y'all just fucking with me

Yeah, that's pretty much it

And it's not the same jurisdiction

Last week he was two and a half hours away

It's a different jurisdiction

He's back in his hometown

So there's no collusion here

It's not in the same police department

No, by two hours away there's no way

Yeah, almost three hours

So for him to claim

Oh, then you're just fucking with me

You're just fucking with me.

No, they're not.

No, it's you being a fucking moron.

You're being stupid.

If you were polite right there, the most you would have gotten was a fucking citation.

And guess what?

Start doing your fucking log then, idiot.

You would have gotten out of it.

Oh, I have it on my phone.

I have it on my phone.

No, people calling your phone and then you giving out your buddy's address saying call them, that's not a log.

How about the other thing?

That's exactly what you were fucking doing.

If you got the restriction, the hardship restriction where you can only use it to go to school and work and post office and all that shit,

you know what bro get that fucking tent taken off the car or drive someone else's car that

doesn't have the fucking tent because this is a tent i think he was restricted for something

to where he can only drive uh to either go to work or yeah i had that once i had that when i

was in my early 20s i had one of those but i'm saying the reason he got pulled over was for the

tent originally that's why so you don't drive around in the car it was for speeding he was

was doing 21 over the speed limit slow down or his buddy was but then he was like oh well i'm a

licensed driver i'm in the car it's like but you're not driving yeah but even if you were driving

you're not yeah you're not you know you're not authorized to be driving in this situation

yeah but he kept you know trying to pump that oh you're racist you're racist it's like no you're

a fucking moron that's if i'm gonna be going to like to do something nefarious like i don't know

get some weed somewhere i'm gonna make sure all my blinkers are working you know my lights

levels are you know what i mean like i just do a quick check around if i'm going oh no shit yeah

because that's just gonna give a reason i have no tent in my car yet i don't and i'm from florida

everyone's got tent down there i don't fucks with that at all like no no i got air conditioning i'm

fine i need that tent for getting the excuse to get pulled over because you drive through like

five states you know on a road trip and every state's got a different law for the fucking tent

oh my god man it's crazy you know here in pennsylvania you can have the uh you can have a

carry license you know the ccw concealed carry permit and the minute you cross into maryland

um it it's now a crime for you to be driving around with that gun in your car

even with the pennsylvania one yeah there's a there's a lady who got pulled over right she was

just going across the you know on a day trip with her mom and her children and got pulled over for

whatever reason on the highway uh right about the time she had driven through the line to maryland

and the officer said you have any you know weapons or anything or i think she said on her own so just

to let you know i've got a concealed carry permit and i've got a gun in the glove box or whatever

and the cops okay let me see that and so i was at pennsylvania i was like you have a

maryland one nope i'll have you step out of the car please slap the cuffs on her and arrested her

yeah right in that bullshit though like the cop could just let her go like hey by the way just

fucking you obviously they're with your kids and your mom you know what i mean and you've got it

in the fucking state over 10 miles away it's fucking illegal as hell obviously this person is

okay god but no no recognition between the two stuff like that's stupid when it comes to gun

gun laws, and just laws in general.

All cops are bastards.

Fuck the police.

Yeah, that's your...

No, not in this case.

This guy was just a fucking moron.

He should have learned a lesson.

Okay.

Dr. Punchy sent me some roadside assistance numbers.

Okay.

And I sent those to you if you want to call them, if not, whatever.

Okay.

Hold on, what are these?

Let's see.

Roadside assistance, Ford.

All right.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'm supposed to call that dude again.

Hang on.

Let's see if one of you guys can...

Did I change the ID?

Yes.

Okay, good.

Yeah, sorry about that audio issue there.

Apparently, I put my headphones down on the keyboard,

and they just kept hitting the number five.

And I stared at it for a while, like, trying to figure out what the fuck is going on.

Duh.

So, any of you going to back me up here still?

Angry Mexican guy.

I'll calm him down.

Yeah, yeah.

can you leave your phone number and i will call you back he sounds like he's trying like he's an

angry person i mean your fucking phone number it sounds like it's about to say all right that was

uh woo and hendrix there that i said i would play i thought it was good and i heard when i heard it

but again that was just once there goes black as gold is pure and the two kings of this earth

So I say it's up to us to straighten out this mess.

Real quick before we get to those punchy numbers, anyone want to do a Chicago Tribune tip line?

Black must be bold because it's gold and king came from this world.

So let them go to the moon.

Yes, let them go to Mars.

Because deep down inside, they're really from the start.

No answer, but the long run.

We could try invent help again real quick.

Real quick.

Quick, that's the lady that I was telling about the whole beating the wife up story there.

Hello, and thank you for calling InventHelp.

My name is Randy.

Are you calling for the free inventor's information?

Yes.

Thank you.

And what is your first name, please?

I'm going to put Bob on the line.

Bob, did you want to maybe?

Yeah, my name's Robert.

And last name?

Vance.

D-A-N-C-E.

No, it's P-A-Y-N-X.

P-A-Y-N-X.

Yeah, Vance.

Okay, thanks. And what is your address, please?

My home address?

Yes.

It's 5430 St. Charles Road.

City are you in?

Fort Lauderdale.

Mississippi?

33326.

I have 5430 St. Charles Road, and that's Fort Lauderdale, Florida, 33326. Is there any apartment or unit number?

Yeah.

What is the apartment number?

it's four four zero zero six six two six a b d y c k wow i've never had an apartment number like

that oh sorry there were three there were four more letters did you get those uh-huh four four

zero zero six six two six a b d y c k l a m a and what's your phone number it's l m a o the last

four letters l-m-a-o you said l-a-m-o and it's not l-a-m-o it's l-m-a-o and what is your phone

number it's a government apartment i have rent control because i i have a fungal infection

in my right foot and it makes me not able to what is your phone number please my phone number is

305-563-7069.

Do you have an alternate phone number?

Well, I do, but I don't think I want to give it because I use it for personal engagements.

Alright, thank you. And then, what is your email, please?

Do I have to give an email? No, not if you don't

want to. It's okay. I can't feel comfortable enough

with you now, but I'll give you the email because we've talked a little

bit if that's okay okay what is your email is that all right whichever way you want to go okay

it's zax which is z-a-x and then the at sign and then n-o-d-a-d-d-y-n-o.com z-a-x-n-o-d-d-y-n-o.com

we verified your name your address your phone number and your email that is all the information

I need and a bit help representative will contact you shortly to further assist you

in the meantime check out the website eventhelp.com just it sounds like calling you and have a great

evening are you talking over me is that no I'm just telling you goodbye what do you mean we're

done this phone calls over thank you for calling goodbye sorry hello hello ma'am yes do you want

Want to say goodbye also?

I'm sorry.

Should I talk, or did you have something to say?

Oh, I said goodbye, so I can say it again.

Thank you for calling.

Have a good day.

Bye-bye.

Oh, she hung up.

They must get paid by the request.

By the call, by the referral, maybe.

I was going to try to keep that rolling as long as I could.

What could she do that I couldn't do and just fill out a web form?

I don't know.

Old people like talking to old people

Hello

That is a good point

Hello old lady

I think it's just one old lady

I think it's the Crypt Keeper

Yeah that was her

It's just one old lady

It's just for old people to call it

Alright

Back to the phone leased

do i did we do that one you said guest name clinton collins did we do that what was that

phone number yeah i did it's the one i called uh separately

they were harassing me about information pretty sure and i tried brian van blah blah blah and it

was just a voicemail i'll try it again only i could do wrong rock for the hats get crack

now we got uh still got soda numbers but it's kind of late and then we had

dr punchy's numbers you said correct let's see going here let me grab those all these

These are roadside assistances.

Anyone wants to do one of those?

Yolo type of car.

I might have the roadside assistance for them.

Here's first is Ford.

Thank you for calling Ford Roadside Assistance.

For emergency roadside assistance or questions regarding the roadside assistance program, press or say 1.

For other questions regarding your Ford, please make a selection.

To secure roadside safety, be able to quickly find your vehicle by locating the phone you are using.

Are you with the disabled vehicle?

No.

Fuck.

Thank you.

Please hold while we transfer you to your roadside agent.

Call and any subsequent related calls may be recorded or monitored for quality control purposes.

Thank you for calling Ford Roadside Assistance.

My name is Courtney.

Are you in a safe location?

Define safe.

Do you need 911?

Probably no.

All right.

Can I get a good callback number for you?

Yeah.

Yeah, you can.

Right now, you mean?

Oh, come on, man.

Give me a...

I wasn't messing around that much.

I also have some whistleblower lines, if you'd like those as well.

Also from Punchy.

Thank you for calling for...

Blow the whistle.

...to secure...

You know that song?

Have you heard that song?

No.

The song at the club.

They'd be like, blow the whistle.

We may be able to...

We want to use...

The location of your phone will only be used for the delivery of this service.

Thank you.

Please hold while we transfer you to your roadside agent.

This call and any subsequent related calls may be recorded or monitored for quality control purposes.

Thank you for calling for a roadside assistant.

Hi.

Hey.

Hi.

I'm going to forewarn you, I'm drunk.

Okay.

What type of roadside assistance are you in need of?

I got really angry at the car, and we got drunk, and we said, like that.

So we turned on Bone Thugs-N-Harmony really loud all the way on 10 in the car, and we put it in neutral, and we pushed it off of a cliff.

So this needs to get fixed.

So you're needing the vehicle towed?

Well, probably put out, and then, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, they need to get it.

We need to get this car fixed and put back together like it was before that happened.

Because that's not acceptable.

The car is still under warranty.

Great.

And what's the last eight characters of your VIN number?

I would have no idea.

It's way down there right now, you know.

And what's your last name?

Cross.

And what's your zip code?

32808.

you said your last name is cross crawl crawl spell your last name crawl

crawl c-r-o-s-s crawl hello okay i'm not pulling up your vehicle under your name and your zip code

so i am going to need the last eight characters of the VIN number how do you how do you suspect

that i should get that then right now what's the best way um the car is down there yeah do

Do you have someone you can call at your home that has any type of back-to-face on the vehicle?

I got someone on the phone right now.

My roommate's at the house right now.

I'm going to put him on.

Hello, roommate.

Roommate.

Yeah, hello.

Hello.

Does he have any type of back-to-face on the vehicle at home?

Is this the girl you met at the party last week?

Yeah, this is the girl I was fucking.

Alicia?

Have a great evening.

No, don't, don't, don't.

Alicia, come over.

Come on, we want to do that again.

Alicia.

Alicia, come on.

I think this is all the same company.

I got Chevy.

Does she hang out?

Yeah, yeah, she hangs out.

I know she wants me.

She's just shy because her girlfriend's there.

Dwight, any chance you want to do a call about roadside assistance for Chevy?

Thank you for calling.

Do you need to be roadside sound affected or no?

For service in English, press 1.

Is that a connect?

Para servicio en Espanol.

If you are, you have, in order to provide you better, please hold while we transfer your call.

For quality and training purposes, your call may be monitored or recorded.

Thank you for calling Chevrolet Roadside Assistance.

My name is Sean.

How may I assist you with your vehicle today?

Hello?

Hello.

Hi.

Hello.

My Silverado is broke down.

I'm sorry?

My Silverado is broke down.

Okay.

I know that's not how you wanted to end your day for sure, but I can get someone out there to further assist you.

you i just need to gather a little bit of information from you first when the motto is

like a rock that's not what i expected i understand that sir and i'm gonna work on

getting someone out there to assist you um are you in a safe location this truck is a real piece

of shit but i'm still inside of it i guess safe all right and can i have your first and last name

please it's hank uh last name is johnson all right and do you have the last eight of your

your vin i don't play video games no sir that's not what i'm asking i'm asking for the last eight

characters in your vin your vehicle identification number you don't understand a truck i have i don't

have a van no sir i'm not saying anything about a van i'm asking you for the last eight characters

of your vin number your vehicle identification number i i owned a windstar one time but that's

It's not what you guys sell.

No, sir.

I need the last eight characters of your VIN number to put your account.

Oh, the identification machine for the car or the truck?

Yes, sir.

I've been drinking.

It's G as in George, Z as in zebra, 171411.

Is this a tip for a toe?

Yeah, I don't do this.

Because, I don't know, white smoke won't come out of the front of it.

I thought it was steam, but it smells like rubber.

Okay.

And do you have the current mileage on your 2016 Silverado?

Yeah, it has 10 keys.

Look, it says I got 65,128 miles on it.

All right. Unfortunately, your vehicle is no longer covered under warranty.

However, I am able to provide you with assistance today for a fee of $110.90 for the first 10 miles,

and then it would be $5.58 thereafter.

Okay. Wait a minute. You're not from Nigeria, are you? Because I've heard of these scams.

No, sir. This is not a scam. This is roadside assistance.

Okay, let me ask you something. I mean, is this common, like, when you hit a telephone pole for, like, the white steam smoke to come out?

Sir, have you been involved in an accident?

No, I've been, um, I drank three shots down at Cross's Bar, and I saw a deer with a, not antlers, but it had a horn.

It was like a unicorn, and I swerved to miss it, and there was a pole, and that pole came out of nowhere, and so we're going to have to sue that insurance for the pole, the pole's insurance that's got to pay for this.

You understand?

Sir, this is roadside assistance.

We can set you up with roadside assistance, but if you've been involved in an accident.

Okay, I want a medium with, like, pepperoni and ham.

Sir, this is not a pizzeria.

This is roadside assistance.

No, you said it was Domino's.

I did not say this was Domino's.

I said this was roadside assistance.

No, you said you deliver.

You deliver?

You don't deliver.

Sir, I'm not a pizzeria.

I'm roadside assistance.

You're road...

What now?

now i'm a chevrolet roadside assistance what kind of food do you serve then never mind never mind

that but where this like how do we get money from this the insurance company for the poll i drive a

chevy you say chevy yes urgency roadside assistance how may we be of assistance today i drive one i

drive one okay sir i'm very happy to hear that are you in an emergency situation at this time

I drive a Silverado.

I'm very happy to hear that, sir.

May I be of any assistance today?

Yeah.

Somebody put a pole here where there shouldn't be one, and I need a tow.

Okay.

So did you hit the pole?

My recollection, the pole probably.

I understand the pole wasn't there earlier, but did you hit the pole?

I mean, be patient with me.

I mean, I was moving, but the pole wasn't there, probably not supposed to be, and didn't move.

Okay, sir.

Well, I understand you hit a pole and the pole didn't move.

You know when a car is supposed to move out of the way when you're supposed to pass?

Well, this pole didn't move, and then I hit it, so it's pole's fault.

Yeah, poles don't normally move.

Sir, what city and state are you in?

Well, let's see.

I'm in Los Angeles.

Los Angeles, California.

What street?

Where I find that.

The street signs.

Street signs.

Pines?

No, there's no pine trees.

Okay, no pine trees.

What's the name of the street?

Street.

I don't know how I find that.

Okay, I tell you what I'm going to go ahead and do for you, sir, since you don't know where you're at.

I think it's Pico.

Okay, Pico, like maybe Pico Rivera?

but there's one it says pico and then the other one says stop so i don't know if it's saying

stop pico i don't know if pico's saying stop i don't know maybe i understand pico rivera is in

los angeles right by montebello now here's what i can go ahead and do for you sir because we have

that location down i'd be more than happy to go ahead and call the local authorities out to your

location to make sure that you and your vehicle are okay they don't have pizza no sir no they

won't but they'll have emergency services who may be able to assist you if you did indeed hit

I've got a warrant. I've got a warrant. I don't need that. It'll cause problems.

All right, sir. Well, this is for emergency roadside assistance,

so if you do need some emergency roadside, we'll be happy to assist you

by getting the local authorities out there to you.

If not, I do need to clear up the line.

Okay.

Otherwise, sir, I can collect your information and send the police out there.

I'd be happy to do so.

No, that wasn't Pico. That's Paulson.

Okay, sir.

Well, if you do require any assistance, feel free to give us a call back.

Wait a second. This isn't even my truck. I don't drive Chevys.

Okay, sir.

Well, if you do need further assistance, feel free to give us a call back.

Otherwise, we'll have to disconnect the line at this time, okay?

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

I'm confused.

Wait a minute.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

I'm really confused.

Okay, let me clarify.

Go ahead.

What are you confused about?

Hang on.

I'm really confused.

Like, why that when the police officer comes, he's bringing my pizza order or no?

No.

I can ask him if he's willing to do that.

What street are you on?

I'm in Paulson and Stockwell.

And did he get my order in Stockwell?

Stockwell?

Did he get my order?

You said Stockwell?

Is that the name of the street?

Paulson and Stockwell.

And did he get my order?

What's Stockwell?

Is that the name of the street?

Yeah, Paulson and Stockwell.

Paulson and Stockwell?

Perfect.

and so order he's gonna bring it to like did he get the right pizza pizza because you know i can

talk to him about that here so north paulson and west stockwell you don't go to papa john's

because papa john he don't use authentic he tells everyone that he's italian but he's really not

italian and he charges everybody out the wazoo but tell him all right but tell but tell the officer

So when he comes, I'm going to go down the street to the Hilton, and I'm going to go

to sleep.

And when he comes, to knock on the door, or to give the front desk people the pizza.

Yeah, maybe that'll work.

I tell you what, better yet, sir, what would be the best callback number for you?

Maybe they can call you.

To the hotel or to me?

For you.

Yeah, for you.

Yes, sir.

What's your best phone number right now?

Let me look at the phone.

The Hilton is probably the best.

Okay, sir.

You know, okay, I give you my name.

Yes, Hank Johnson, right?

Yeah, the phone book.

Check the phone book, because my name is in there.

Okay, hold on one moment for me, Mr. Johnson.

I'm going to go ahead and check into that for you.

I think he's calling police.

Wait a minute.

I really don't know why I'd say this is crazy.

I mean, if you say this man said he wanted me to be on the line,

because he says it's Joe.

It's whatever street.

Yeah.

Yes, hello?

No.

my phone my phone hello mr johnson yeah he's here yeah all right we have someone coming out

to further assist you no i left okay we have someone coming out to assist you though no why

you had requested for roadside assistance i'm walking is he bringing pizza no sir he's not

bringing you pizza he's coming out to assist you with your vehicle bullshit but that's good

too, because I changed my mind. I want Taco Bell

now. I want some of them

naked chicken chips.

The ones you dip in cheese.

No, sir. We got someone coming out to further

assist you. The

Toe Touch driver? They have your

phone number, and they'll call you here in just a few moments.

You're being very deceptive. What did you send

over here? You're being very deceptive. I smell

bacon like a motherfucker.

Who is it? You sent police? You need to tell me

if I'm asking. I'm sorry, could you say that again?

You need to tell me if I'm asking

if you sent police.

We have someone coming out to assist you

and they will call you here in just a couple of moments.

Send the police. We're leaving.

We're leaving. Dwight, we're leaving.

We're gone. We're walking.

It's the pigs. I know it is.

We're already walking. We're done.

Yeah, fuck these guys.

I was going to say, Bob,

throw this up into the woods. Let's go.

I saw him need that coal.

They're going to have that shit.

Cops are going to show up somewhere.

Phoenix or wherever that was.

Someone's going to help you.

Where was it? L.A. or something?

It was like the middle of conflict.

Oh, boy.

24-Hour Fitness.

I've had something I've wanted to do for a long time.

I've wanted to call and get them to reset the breakers while people are on the treadmills

because I want to find out what happens to the people on the treadmills when the breakers get shut

and the treadmills stop running.

I think that would be funny.

Watch me fail at trying to pull that off.

next on madhouse radio i think this show's been worth it just for the mexican guy that was super

fucking angry at me that was that was really funny i'm trying to have conversation

begging him in spanish i'm on my knees come on man it was a misunderstanding

for calling 24-hour fitness with state-of-the-art equipment certified personal trainers and more

than 400 clubs open up to 24 hours for group exercise it's one of those that says 24 what's

kiss club i want to go to kiss club kids club kiss club where you can kiss lose weight kissing

health care partners 24 7 distributing

24 7 always open sundry shop yeah

it says closed okay all right we'll see about that this is closed

thank you for calling essential this is but how can i help you hey chocha i'm glad you're open

how are you good oh yeah we're open 24 hours oh that's good that's good god bless it listen i

I need to ask if you have certain things there.

Yes.

Okay.

Do you have water bottles?

Yes, we do.

Okay.

Do they have water inside them?

Yes, we have water.

Okay.

Can I throw them?

I'm sorry?

Can I throw them?

What?

I want to throw them.

I want to throw the bottles of water all over the place and open them and dump them.

I like to make the water go everywhere.

I love water.

Okay.

I love taking showers.

We're busy, okay, alright

Stupid, stupid

We're busy

Calling them back, why don't you say something

I'll say something

Thank you for calling, this is Beth

Hello

Hi

Hi, my name's Robert

Hi Robert

Um, I'm not a member there, but I was thinking about signing up.

Yeah, I'm signing up for what?

Do you have a policy for beverages in there?

Which one?

Beverages.

Beverages, like what?

Like, can we bring food and drinks into the gym? Is that allowed?

I actually don't know what the rules are on that, but I don't know why not.

Does someone there know that you could ask, maybe?

Just a second.

Okay.

Bye.

Well, it's up to you if you want to bring food at the gym.

What?

it's really up to you if you want to bring food at the gym and beverages too yeah okay because i

have this stuff that i brew at home i'm a home brewer and it's called fight milk and it's cow

milk that's fermented and it has like a high percentage of alcohol in it but it has a lot

of protein too and it has branched chain amino acids as well as antioxidants that prevent my

muscles from getting tired or sore can i drink that in there i really have no idea well if it's

okay if i just come in there and drink it will anybody get mad because i don't i don't want to

like i just don't want to like spend the money you know and like sign up and make a contract if

i can't drink fight milk in the gym well work at the gym so i don't really know this is this is a

convenience store you're calling so i don't really know oh okay can i drink uh fight milk in the

convenience store yeah you can come in with any drink okay could i bring like could i bring a cake

yeah i have a cake with a tap and the tap looks like an elephant so like you can pour beer out

of the elephant's trunk into a glass and then you can drink it and it makes you like really sexual

and violent like i could bring a whole keg over there maybe we could drink it and have some fun

you can bring the cake anywhere you want no no i didn't say cake i said keg like k-e-g it's like

a big barrel full of alcohol okay oh you can drink it i mean everybody cigars what about cigars

you cannot smoke in the store okay but i can drink alcoholic fight milk i guess it has um

it has i mean everybody it has mescaline and methamphetamine in it too is that okay

yeah yeah do you do you like mescaline do you do that a lot of course yeah it's pretty rad right

do you extract your own or do you buy it from someone which which one mescaline what is that

well you just said that you do mescaline all the time what do you mean what is that

i thought you meant that i like meth meth i don't i don't do meth you do meth hello

there she goes there she goes holy shit hello weird that was weird no she's gone she's gone

buddy she's gone i think i'm gonna go too because i'm trying to stay with between calls i'm listening

you do a call

drink some fight milk

it'll keep you up

I like this

fermented with what?

alcohol?

yeah

well it's a

it's a

it's always sunny

in Philadelphia

oh is it?

okay

fight milk

great

yeah it is

I gotta watch that show man

I added the

added the mescaline

and methamphetamine

that's

that's actually

from

Claude Burkard

I'm going to let you guys go

Thanks for being on

I'm going to let you guys go

You guys later

Potential Dwight show tomorrow

With the Cavalier Blues

It'll be fun

I'm going to

to sleep i'm gonna we'll play this we'll let this play us out all right

next show will probably be the 12 year madhouse anniversary show 12 year

madhouse anniversary show in july

conservative flashing down the streets pointing their plastic finger or maybe saturday

They're hoping soon my kind will drop and die

But I'm gonna wave my freak flag high

Calls (25, 1 h 28 min of 2 h 26 min)

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