Bring Him Back!

quiet quiet quiet i have no emotion sir so do you want the hundred dollar voucher done with you

why oh i said big i'm not playing no fucking games i i fuck you send up a bitch stop making

a stupid comment you're out of your crazy mind you ain't getting no goddamn dollars i'll fuck

you all night long it's not perfect why don't you piss off you're listening to the madhouse

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the main event of the evening.

And now, those in attendance and fans watching around live.

One moment, please.

Staffing, this is Crystal.

Hey, hey.

Hi, it's Monday.

Hi.

It's Monday.

Yay.

It is.

Yay.

I'm calling regarding nurse practitioners, $80 an hour, inpatient, SICH, MF, 824, full benefits, call Morgan in strict confidence.

May I speak with Mistress Morgan, please?

May I ask a calling?

Yes.

My name is Eddie.

I am a job person looking for a job, and you sound nice.

I can't wait to go down there and see you.

you. Hold on just a second. All right. Your call is important to us. The person you have attempted

to reach is unavailable. Please leave a message after the tone. When finished, hang up or press

the pound key for more options. To leave a callback number, press seven. If you need immediate

assistance, one moment, please. Hey, UKTED, puta, pendejo, pinche verga, mama huevo, UKTED. I just

Just call again.

I just redial, okay?

That's time for the computer machine to go.

My vodka bottle.

Oh, here it is.

One moment, please.

Hey, Davi, what's up, cat?

It's raining, man.

My cat's over here next to me watching the rain out the window.

Of course, of course someone calls.

What?

Who is this?

Huh?

Whoa, whoa, Code Red.

Welcome, this is Rose.

How may I help you?

Hi, Rose.

I'm getting a Code Red alert message over here.

Code Red alert message for?

A severe thunderstorm warning has been issued for your location.

Take immediate action for your protection.

Action. For digital information, monitor local media.

This severe thunderstorm warning...

Hello?

Yeah, did you hear that?

Who are you calling for?

Oh, I got a call for you guys here that said that there was a code red alert, severe thunderstorm warning.

I think you have the wrong number.

No, I...

Who are you trying to reach?

Oh, I was calling regarding the medical service, nurse practitioners.

You have the right number.

You have a job in there for a nurse practitioner, ignorant.

Really, loser?

Fuck you, I need a job.

And you need to... I know my rights and you need to put me through.

That's why you don't have a job.

Fucking bitch.

Loser.

Wow, what are you?

Did you just have a nice, big, extra-long lunch?

Wow.

I can see why you're going to be unemployed for a really long time.

You know how many federal and state laws you're breaking right now with everything you're saying?

Oh, really?

And I'm recording all of this.

Oh, goody.

Because you dialed the wrong number?

No, there's an ad in the paper here for a job machine.

oh and and you dialed the right the right number for that yeah stupid yeah that's very good yeah

very nice honey is there a man i can talk to because all you women are stupid over there

apparently fucking asshole i know i called the right number because all i did was this control

r and it says redial on my machine asshole shut up thunder one moment please sucking lightning

thunder why are you covering the mouthpiece on the phone was that your hand or your big fat

Fat cheek.

Oh, yeah.

For that intro bullshit.

Fuck your intro.

It's the Matt Hillock show with the big intro and the horns and all that and the rappy

McRapperson.

I'm rappy and I'm here to say I love rap music in a major way.

Prank calls.

Drink until your balls.

Matt Hillock has the DTs.

Matt Hillock.

Yeah.

Listen to Matt.

H-H-H-Hillock.

Matt Hillock.

Shit his pants in the hallway.

That audio of Matt Hillock in the hallway two days ago

Came from one of our Madhouse sources

That one came from The Arm

Thank you Arm for coming in with that secret audio

Matt Hillock taking a shit in his pants in the hallway

Yeah, go on, yeah

I should stop saying that because he actually got kind of grumpy about that the other day

Thank you for calling

If you wish to start a new subscription or are moving

To enter a vacation stop with a restart date, press 2.

For improved training and a higher quality of service to our customers,

please be aware that we do randomly monitor our telephone inquiries.

Please hold for the next available representative.

You may hear several rings during this process.

Oh, is that how it works?

Your call is important to us.

Oh, yes.

So much for that.

Dude, like, music?

Is this just me or is it music?

I think I let the headphones down.

Please press 1.

No.

For all other inquiries or requests, please press 2 or remain on the line.

Right, and it did one here and it wasn't that.

Are you working?

If so, press 1.

Otherwise, press 2.

We are now transferring you to an agent.

Your position in the queue is 8 out of 8.

Your expected wait time is about 46 minutes.

God damn it.

All right, everyone, mark that.

I'm going to keep it on a hold machine, and we'll do the next one.

If they don't use, they only keep them to decorate.

If you want a people, select the date.

First, the pencil.

Get that an H for hole.

Alright.

Now the aging care manager guy.

And here it is.

It takes me a little longer to dial these newspaper ones

because I can't just copy-paste them like I normally do.

Damn.

home health care aides needed yeah or no glass technician or laborer this is the case where

they put two phone numbers in the ad so i'm gonna change my id as the other one let's just

just fuck with him that way let's just i just want to say you need to come back you need to

come back something happened you need to come back you need to come here you need to come

it's wrong if i scare the shit out of someone i do this last show with the lead the lawyer

vagina cake good afternoon you need to come back you need to get over here you need to what i need

someone to get over here over where over here where's over here i'm calling regarding an ad

I didn't put it in the paper?

Yeah.

It says glass technicians or laborer.

We're a small glass company specializing in residential and commercial work.

EXP welcome but not necessary.

Applicants must be able to do physical work slash lifting, installing ass,

able to read a tape measure, willing to read a tape measure,

willing to read a tape.

Oh, I was reading the same line.

To take responsibility.

Yeah, but what's your question, sir?

hang on valid driver's license safety cautious willing to learn we offer colon competitive to

learn we did it again wages overtime paid holidays and vacation rent insurance company vehicle to

and from jobs normal hours eight to five monday through friday some sat able in person apply in

person and it has the phone number and it says uh call ask for matt oh may i speak with matt please

there is no matt here i don't know why it says matt is that a code word if i call for matt no

it's best if you go to devonshire road and is there a mike is there a mike there's a mike in

my location maybe that's who it is big mike big mike schaefer yeah fat big fat mike uh i don't

think he was that fat he passed away oh well that's why he passed away he was fat who is that

crawl who's crawl crawl crawl i used to work with a big fat mike my big fat mike schaefer he was a

big fat motherfucker that guy so what's your what did you want to do apply for the job yeah i want

that shit but if he's not there how am i going to get the job you know you need to come in and

fill out an application i want to get around i know someone there i know someone there come on

No, I know Big Fat Mike.

Mike isn't here anymore.

Well, bring him back.

He passed away.

Bring him.

If you want to come in here and fill out an application, have you been drinking or what?

Just bring Big Fat Mike back is all I'm asking.

He won't return my calls.

You know, I keep calling his number to hear his voicemail.

They shut it off.

Well, yeah, he's been gone for years.

I know.

They finally done shut off his voicemail.

I can't hear his voice anymore in my head.

I forgot what his voice sounds like.

What's your real name?

name? Kraus. Kraus. Kraus? Kraus. Kraus. Kraus. And what's your first name? Just Kraus. Kraus.

That's my name is Kraus. Everyone calls me Kraus. Okay. Um, if you want to come in here

and fill out an application, you can. I just want to hear, you got some recording with

the, with Mike Chaver a little bit talking? Maybe his old voicemail? No sir, I don't.

Aw shit. Maybe what about, what's his old extension? Maybe I can hear his voice on

there. We don't have extensions here. Aw, she had a voicemail though, right? I'm going

gonna hang up come on don't be like that i'm mourning i lost my fucking mic big mic big mic

have i been drinking i'm mixing diet sun kiss with uh this fucking whipped cream vodka oh my god

it's not creamsicle but it gets you drunk motherfucker everyone raised a glass tupac

shaker died 42 years ago today motherfucker killed in baltimore maryland when i was telling

That was glass tech.

Thanks.

Fucking Christ.

Make the fat mic sheet.

Well, he wasn't that big.

That's what killed him.

All right.

All right, here's another home health care aid needed or something like that,

some bullshit, some whiny fucking sick person.

Get out of here, Dewey.

What are y'all doing in here?

We're smoking reefer, and you don't want no part of this shit.

You're smoking reefers?

Yeah, of course we are.

Can't you smell it?

No, Sam.

I can't.

Dewey, join the party.

What do I do?

This.

Speaking.

Hey, how are you?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, it's Monday.

Yeah, it's Monday.

You know what I mean?

It's Monday, right?

Can I help you, sir?

I was calling regarding job ad you put in the paper.

Okay.

What was your question?

It says home health care aides needed looking for dedicated individuals who share their passion

and enhance the quality of life for our seniors through non-medical in-home services.

All shifts available, all counties.

Did you have any specific questions, sir?

Yeah.

Is there something I can help you with?

Yeah, it was regarding flexible hours, paid training, higher weekend wages,

must be 18 years or older and possess a valid driver's license.

Quiet, quiet, quiet.

Or older and possess a valid driver's license.

Quiet, quiet, quiet.

I just had a question.

Excuse me, sir.

Quiet, quiet, quiet.

Quiet, quiet.

Hello?

Mom's getting older and needs help, but I can't be there all the time.

I have so many questions.

Senior Care Julia speaking.

Hi, I can't be on hold that long.

What were you trying to say?

I'm sorry.

Like 10 tips for the family caregiver and guidelines for making your...

Hello, how can I help you?

Senior Care Julia speaking.

Yes, hi.

I was calling regarding the atom that you have in the paper.

Do some of the...

He once did.

Hello?

Yeah, I'm calling regarding the paper.

Yes, sir.

How can I help you?

Yeah, I understand I'm on speakerphone.

In that case, I would like to explain what the labia is.

The labia are the lips of the vagina around the vulva.

You really need to stop calling this number.

Okay.

God, you sound so hot when you're angry, though.

Sorry, sir.

This is, uh...

No, he read our entire ad.

Hey, insertion.

Insertion of the penis into the vagina and ejaculation inside.

It's called cream pie.

Okay, we're going to report this number to the police.

No, no.

I'm sorry.

No, no.

Have a great day.

No, no.

There's only two numbers that we're reporting.

Yeah, call the other one.

this area of expertise please this one here hey the other one hello yeah i'm here too hey

you're gonna report this number two you say why oh oh oh lots of contenders for title the show

we get quiet quiet quiet bring them back i don't know some other stuff there too hold up hold up

uh nope not gonna call that that one there no number next page next page there aren't many of

these in this paper so once i do that i'll explain what the other options are at that time okay not

right now oh here we go forklift operator operator forklift operator i'd like to thank everyone who's

tuned in listening live right now thank you for being superior to the other people who enjoy this

show because you're probably getting getting to hear these calls live and about a year before

Before everyone else does.

How's it feel guys.

To be communicating with.

One year into the future.

If you guys want to give me your.

Tell you what.

I will not update this podcast.

I will not.

These pranks here.

I will not post them until a year from now.

So everyone give me your shout outs to yourself.

In 365 days.

12 months from now.

Next summer.

Let me know what message you want to send from the past.

Urgent message.

Inquisitive message.

do you want to find out something uh yeah just let me know

we'll take care of those today on the mouth 98.6

don't ask me because i do not have that sound effect loaded in the soundboard anymore

i forgot it must make a note of that okay forklift operator guys come on let's go

traitor is not your brother what the fuck are you doing yeah i'm learning that shit

palindrome has a code red alert i think the inclement weather passed us and missed it for a

while i don't know how much it rained hey honey hey do you happen to know how much it just rained

right now like how much you think we got you think we got at least an inch did you but you

know it rained right yes yeah do you think it rained i mean i saw some rain coming down do

you think it's enough if i had a garden should i go out water it still you think or you think

sir i'm not sure is there something that i can help you with oh yeah honey i'm calling regarding

Regarding, let's see here, now higher starting wages, earner up to 13 slash hour plus incentive.

Are you interested in applying for a job?

Well, how does that work?

How do I make it go?

You can come to the office to fill out an application.

Okay, and the phone is for what?

I'm ready to give you all the information now.

I can transmit whenever you're ready.

The phone number is to provide people with an outlet to contact us and learn more about our positions.

But if you're interested in applying, you would need to come into our office to fill out an application.

But I can do instant send if you tell me what.

Do you have a fax number or anything?

No, we don't provide a fax number to applicants.

Is your computer turned on?

Sir, I'm trying to understand what the goal is here.

Are you interested in applying for a job?

Can I send my resume now?

Just say if I can send, and I'll hit send right now.

Yes, you can send a resume.

Here it comes.

There we go.

You got it?

Sir, I'm really confused right now.

Are you interested in applying for a job?

Well, I just sent it to you.

Did you get it?

Sir, I did not give you an email address.

There is no way that you could have sent me a resume.

I'm sending it now.

Listen, listen.

Did you hear that?

Sir, I...

I farted.

I just hang up.

Sir, I'm hanging up now.

Vagina, cunt, labia, pussy, sex.

I love speakerphone.

I love the ones like, oh my God, Dottie, you've got to hear how this guy's talking to me.

You know, you do the whole thing.

You cover the receiver with the, you know, like...

cover the receiver like this and you're like snap your finger and you wave over

while you're looking for the headset button on the phone and everyone's like oh yeah yeah

let's stop our important conversation about work machine and over here let's go to betty's uh

cubicle oh let's listen and then this that's you hear me going yeah lady uh cunt pussy that's

That's my goal with that.

Do you get it?

Do you get what my vision is?

What I hope is happening.

Anyway, that quiet, quiet, quiet.

I took that from Donald Trump.

He did that to an Israeli news reporter.

Asked him a question at a press conference.

He's like, quiet, quiet, quiet.

He just seemed like such a dick.

I used to say it was dick.

Are you a friendly reporter?

watch how friendly he is i've been i've been wait watch how friendly he is go ahead i've been good

to you the entire campaign mr president so first of all my name is jake turks from army magazine

and i despite what some of my colleagues may have been reporting i haven't seen anybody in

my community uh accused either yourself or any of the anyone on your staff to paint the picture

you got trump there's a whole ton of press here this isn't the normal press uh briefing room in

the white house this is somewhere else some event and he is uh definitely a hasid hasidic jew he has

the the beard the yarmulke the twisty ear you know the twisty hair around the ear the glasses

the vest the white shirt etc etc of being anti-semitic uh we understand they have those

grandchildren you are darzadi however he's very nervous what we are concerned about and what we

haven't really uh heard being addressed is an uptick in anti-semitism and how the government

is planning to take care of it there's been a report out that 48 uh bomb threats have been

made all across the country in the last couple of weeks there are people who are committing

anti-semitic acts or threatening to see he said he's going to ask a very simple easy question

and it's not it's not it's not not a simple question not a fair question okay sit down i

understand the rest of your question so here's the story sit down i understand the rest of your

question and this kid just this kid from porter just like okay this is down number one i am the

least anti-semitic person that you've ever seen in your entire life number two i love the jews

racism the least racist person in fact we did very well relative to other people running i love the

the blacks here here comes quiet quiet quiet listen quiet quiet quiet see he lied about

quiet quiet quiet i love the way he did that you gotta admit that's balls that's you know he's a

shit president and a shit guy or whatever but you gotta love you gotta enjoy the tv show which is

the bravado of the stuff that he does it's interesting stuff it's here for the president

yeah so to the president of the united states yeah i got an empty glass i should tell you how

much i was earnest about that option one go play this music for about a minute and get some fresh

ice option two have a lukewarm drink what shall i do everyone post your answer in the united chat

chat rooms of Discord, IRC, and MixLR.

The votes are in, and it's for me to get iced.

All right.

Let's listen to some St. Pepsi.

I'll be right back.

I hope you have something great to wear tonight, because you're going to a party.

Party?

I want to introduce you to someone.

Back here, I can talk while I get the, uh, uh, uh, uh, get the drink ready.

Let's see here.

So, yeah, like I said, I'm doing, so I don't have, like, a,

i couldn't find my jigger but what i have here is a stolen metallic sauce dipping cup from red

lobster looks to me like so that's that's about a jigger and then i put a little splash more then

i fill up the rest of that diet sunkissed machine it tastes good as fuck and that's pinnacle whipped

vodka so it's a whipped cream vodka you go in now man until you whippersnappers man i'm feeling old

lately it's been hitting me got a birthday tomorrow you know maybe i'll do a show tomorrow

too we'll see back on subject i was feeling old the other day man looked at myself in the mirror

starting to get them rankles uh got some gray coming in well if they're a bit of a third third

way in life crisis let's not say midway let's be honest i'm probably midway in i'm diabetic

diabetic i don't expect to see 80 um but that could be wrong because medicine is improving in

their crazy crazy way every day man but this is prank show not carlito dying show that'll be

tomorrow if i do a show on my birthday it'll be tomorrow um from prank calls that's what we do

here back to the pepper i see you i got an ad in the pepper pepsi bitch i don't know i'm getting

drunk what did what did ls do with the forklift thing i don't remember i honestly don't remember

I should probably slow down my drinking, right?

Let's see here.

It's got a big wad of newspaper here.

I'm trying to find where the numbers are that I circled.

No, I did the home health grades.

We're good.

This page is done, guys.

See ya.

Bye.

Out of here.

On your ass.

This

is probably a good time to mention real quick

that Jaiad and I are planning a Madhouse meetup.

I've put out feelers on Facebook

and have gotten very positive feedback.

Looks like what we're planning is a New York City meetup

on a Saturday.

The way it's shaping out,

we've got a tentative committal from Dr. Lego

who will be playing at the venue as a band,

and a house bandit will have.

Jaiad wants to be involved.

We want to bring as many of the hosts as we can.

Our big roadblocks are, A, I will not do it unless we can fly Milkman in for it,

and that's probably going to require some kind of GoFundMe

or something to cover Milkman's flight up from California to New York City for a weekend.

We have to work on the feasibility of that.

And then we've got two options.

and so option one is just we're gonna meet we'll do like a meet and greet thing and we'll have a

dinner together you know everyone pays their own way or whatever but just say cool you know we'll

hang out we'll talk we'll chill get pictures together and shit and you know that's it maybe

go out you know smoke some cigars i don't know you mean you know me in the cigars option number

two if enough people want to come then and if we have enough of the prank call hosts there then we

It would be stupid for us not to do a show together,

so we would want to rent a conference room

where we can have a stage area or just at least a table area

where we have our equipment hooked together

so we can do calls in front of an audience.

The only agreement would be during calls, of course,

the audience has to be fucking quiet,

and it has to be enforced by mob rule.

So if someone out there starts making a lot of laughing noise

and talking and shit from the audience,

then you all need to pull his pants down and show his pecker,

or vagina to everybody so yeah we're working on that i'd like to see it happen in august i think

i i i've got a bad feeling that it's this is all too short notice for that to work out in august

um we'd like to do a larger kind of meetup maybe on an annual basis and we'd like to go to chicago

at some point maybe next year um but right now we have interest from i think matt's interested

said in coming uh jayad myself uh lego said he'd do that um i'm sure i can reach out to zola and

i'm sure he'd make himself available prank master said he would come when he heard about it that was

kind of cool there's a lot of people from the community some of the older people i that i still

you know talk with on facebook and they're like hell yeah we'll come it's close it's close enough

you know what i mean it sounds kind of cool so i would recommend watching facebook because my my

My next step in the process, we're finishing up the releases of Calls of Mass Confusion,

and that's over on YouTube.

Be sure you're checking that out.

That's on the Jesus in a Dump Truck channel.

I don't know why Jai refuses completely to make that C-O-M-C or whatever,

but he wanted to put them on that channel, so so be it.

And anyway, we're going to make an effort here.

I'd like to see it, because I was planning on going to Puerto Rico in September again,

so I don't know.

That will put us in October for our meetup.

But I think August is going to be too short notice for enough people to be able to make it out as we could.

Because it takes time.

People got to take time off of work or make arrangements, get a babysitter for a week or for a weekend or a night or something.

Stuff of this nature.

So just keep your ears peeled on Facebook.

My job right now is, if I could, is to catch up the podcasting up to date and get this show back to running on 100% horsepower.

um until i do that but it's just really hard to find the time and i know i could i could get help

from people to up you know get the podcast done but i i always like to have my own spin on the

edit and stuff like that um i don't know maybe we just forego that and if somewhere someone out

there the many people have offered to catch up the podcast or help me up doing that if i just

left it over to them uh to do so um then we could maybe get madhouse running back on uh the full

for us i don't know i don't know it's stuff i gotta think about i've got a whole planned revamp

of the madhouse site just makes basically the front page you know go here here here here and

you're done i'd like to get back on youtube live also there's a whole bunch of things i'd like to

do but finding the time to do so is hard and the motivation sometimes and that's a personal issue

i've got sometimes i find myself in a dark place then i play music like this and i get excited

yeah artificial excitement with alcohol and the

T-H-E-N-C-B-D.

Yeah.

A little bit of Viagra.

$200 massages at the hotel.

Let's see.

We got someone seeking Class A CDL fuel haulers.

Let's do it.

I'd like Dwight to show up at a meetup.

Someone in the chat just asked that.

I don't know that he would.

He just wanted to cover his face.

You want me to guys call from the toilet?

Let's see.

Hey, Dobby.

What's up, buddy?

Scratch.

You got fleas, Dobby?

You got fleas?

You want a bath?

Please hold while I transfer your call.

No, I don't need a bath.

Dad, no bath.

Thank you for calling.

Please hold and your call will be answered as quickly as possible.

I don't know, Dobby.

You're scratching your ear.

Please, we've got to give you a bath.

He hates being bathed, guys.

Dobby cat.

He's sick.

Recording, this is Rosie.

Hey, Rosie.

How you doing?

Doing well.

How are you?

I'm in the bathroom because I have to hide in the bathroom when I make phone calls.

Can you hear me okay? I'm sorry.

Yeah, I can. There's a little bit of echo.

Who am I speaking with?

Oh, hi. Hi, my name is Eddie.

And I saw you have an ad in the PIPA for seeking Class A fuel haulers.

Okay, and where is that located ad in the country, sir?

In Pennsylvania, Central PA, motherfucker.

Like Harrisburg?

Yeah, that area.

Yeah.

huh you have jobs i'm sorry a noise a noise just came to the phone and i didn't hear what you just

said i think there's something i think there's a man here he's in the bathroom next to me

okay um can you hear him i can hear you yes um can you yeah would you have an opening there

it's gonna be trans i can't hear them yeah hey can you stop for a second hello i'm talking to

you thank you oh my god he's like three stalls down look here he's peeing a lot so we do have

an opening there are you done yet jeez anyway i'm here okay sir yeah sorry are you still there

we still have an opening out of the area hello i'm here yeah yes it's going to be a night shift

transporting petroleum to local gas stations okay i could do that i used to haul a lot of stuff in

the military do you have any deals for veterans at all um yes we do actually did you drive in

the military yeah i used to drive for the convoys okay uh what's your first and last name cross

they call me cross eddie cross but everyone calls me cross oh everyone calls me hello i'm sorry i

guess if they know that i'm calling to find a new job i'll get in so much trouble i i got it it's

okay sir i have to call but it's just that noise keeps going off in the background and i'm having

a hard time understanding what you're saying i know that's what what would you say your first

name was eddie eddie edward and what's your last name cross like jesus cross like k-r-u

k-r-o-u you know like the image like the symbol c-r-o-s-s oh cross okay i'm sorry okay yeah um

You just looked for a website to apply.

Can you hear him?

Yes, I can hear that, sir.

He has his penis out.

You know, like, the urine comes out of the penis.

I can see it, too.

I can look over and see if there are penises because I'm really tall.

That did it.

That did it, guys.

That did it.

Whoops.

Oh, shit.

Love them bathroom calls.

That's the guy.

Three stalls down peeing.

Actually, I'm a loud pisser.

my friend my good friend andy i venture to say best friend other than the fact that we live

far away from each other speaking of chicago and we don't catch up there as much as we used to

but we're kind of low maintenance friends like we don't have to always be in each other's business

that's how it was when we lived together in florida we know they started each other since

high school and we uh were college roommates stayed friends and he was my co-host when i first

started the show we grew up listening to howard stern and local talk radio and shit we're always

was into the same shit same comedy we're fucking dorks we had fun went to we all dropped out of

college together you know what i mean you know how it goes but we then we went back and we

achieved we achieved that uh multi-thousand dollar debt nursing machine got a lot of nurses

i'm telling you what nursing is the fucking shit anyone anyone doesn't matter what age race you

could be fucking no you could speak nothing but fucking haitian creole and you go to these

These fucking community colleges, you can be a nurse, and you can make some decent money, have really good benefits.

You can fucking wire that money back home to Haitia and support your family and never see them.

Nursing, everybody.

Sponsor of the next hour of Madhouse Live today, Nursing, United States Nursing Academy.

Accepting new students now, fully non-profit nursing school online will fly you out for your clinicals.

Anyway, in the meantime, we've got a company here seeking PR and LPNs

to work in the medical department at the whatever center.

Contact HR at the following number, extension 1109, or fax resumes.

Yeah, I got a fax for them.

Pants, everybody, pants.

Listen carefully as our menu options may have changed.

Calls are recorded for quality assurance.

We're very excited to tell you about a special promotion for select callers.

This will only take a moment.

By answering just a few questions, we will find out if this offer is right for you.

Just for calling today, you have the opportunity to receive a $100 rebate voucher,

which you can redeem from your purchases at major retailers like Walmart, Target, and many more.

The $100 rebate voucher is yours today for a small $1.95 fee.

So make sure you have your credit card handy to receive a $100 rebate voucher,

which you can redeem from your purchases at major retailers like Walmart, Target, and many more.

Is this fucking Dwight? Is this Dashie's shit?

Again, to receive your $100 rebate voucher, press 1 on your phone.

Oh, we've got to do this.

Oh, shit. I think we ended up on the fucking...

Hello, thank you for holding.

Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up, Dwight? Hey, what's up?

Hello, thank you for holding.

Hey, I'm a big fan.

Sorry?

I'm a big fan of you guys.

I hear your stuff all the time.

You know, when you offer...

I was calling about the gift card offer.

You know?

Gift card offer?

Yeah.

You mean the $100 rebate voucher?

Yay!

I'm a big fan of you guys.

I hear your stuff all the time on the internet.

I love it.

Sorry?

I love Dwight.

I love Mr. Meningitis.

I love everybody.

You guys are awesome.

Yay!

I don't quite understand, sir.

I hear you guys calling all the time.

I love it.

Yay!

Sir, so may I have your first and last name, please?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

My first name is Dwight Wink Wink.

Sorry?

My first name is Dwight Wink Wink.

You know what I mean?

No, I don't.

Oh, shit.

You know what Wink Wink, you know?

Wink, Dwight, I'm Dwight.

You know?

No, I don't know who Dwight is.

I'm Dwight.

My name is Dwight

You said my name

Dwight

Wink wink

Yeah

My real first name is Ken

But my name is Dwight

Wink wink

Okay Ken

Alright

And your last name?

Uh

McClanahan

Okay

And I have that spelled as

M-C-C-L-A-N

N-A-H-A-N

Is that correct?

Yeah

Can you spell it for me then?

I said that was right

Why would I want to spell it then motherfucker?

Why would I want to spell it motherfucker?

If I said it was right

Why would I want to spell it again motherfucker?

the fucker? Because you did not sound very

sure. What do you mean?

Under whose authority you made that decision

that I didn't sound very sure? Who are you?

What's your degree in fucking

audio psychology that you can

determine whether or not I was sure just based on my

voice and flexure? Maybe

there was an outside influence that made

me answer in the tone that I did.

You just worry about the things I say, not

the way I say them. Do you understand me?

I understand, sir. You worry about the things

I say, not the way I

said it. For all you know,

you're reading a script when you hear

my answers. Do you understand me?

Yes, I do understand, sir.

Good. Now, I want an apology right now.

I'm very sorry, sir. Apologize

to me by name. I'm very

sorry, Ken McClanahan.

Dwight McClanahan. Do it again. I'm very

sorry, Dwight McClanahan.

I'm very sorry, Dwight McClanahan. Sir?

Yes. Sir, please.

Is this a joke of mine? No, no,

no. I'm saying, I'm just, I mean,

I mean, you need to not be assuming that I need to spell it.

When I told you what the name is, and you spelled every letter back to me as you typed it in,

and I replied in the affirmative, then why do I need to spell it again? Why?

It's not just for confirmation, sir.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

The confirmation, the onus is on you, not on me to do the work to spell it out for you.

It's for you to spell out how you have it for me to say yes or no.

Now do your job like you were trained and you're being paid to do.

All right, sir.

All right.

Okay.

Thank you, Ken.

What is the full address you would like us to send you?

Oh, my God.

Really?

Yes.

You're making the presumption that my name is Ken, not Dwight, like I told you to report.

You said it.

You think you're slick.

You think you're slick?

Let me talk to your supervisor.

All right.

I will.

Hold on a second.

And get a box and pack it up.

You might as well.

Guys, I'm drunk.

All right, sir.

I will.

Yeah, yeah.

Go.

Hurry up.

I'm trying to talk to everybody.

Anyway, guys, I'm drunk, and I probably should just let this one go, right?

What do you think?

Tell me in the chat room what you think I should do.

And I know you're listening with me on mute.

Make whatever presumption as to what I am or what I'm doing is, okay?

Dickhead.

Hello?

I'm telling you, though.

I'm a big fan.

I'm a big fan of Dwight, Mr. Meningitis.

You guys know that.

Hi, my name's Ashley.

How can I help you today?

Oh, you're a female?

That's a girl's name.

Yeah.

Is there a man, though?

Is there a man?

Because I actually have business to take care of, not emotions.

Okay, well, I can help you out with getting your $100 voucher or what you need to deal with.

You need to help me out with my issue.

I need to get help out with my issue, and you're a woman, and you can't help me out with that,

because your emotions are already rising up.

Okay, I have no emotions, sir.

So, do you want the $100 voucher?

You don't have any emotions?

No.

So, how can I help you?

I want to get behind you and stick my penis in your anus.

Okay, you have a great day.

You don't have any emotions.

You don't have any emotions, robot.

Oh, whatever.

If you had no emotions, you wouldn't hang up.

Puta.

Right, guys?

guys as it is i'm required to to leave no later than 4 30 p.m on this show just to let you know

i've got obligations which include laundry sweeping the floor and mopping the floor with

the swiffer machine and cleaning the kitchen that being said i can take my plan break come back

you'd be looking at about an hour and 20 minutes hour 15 of show i would prefer to do that let me

know how you guys feel while i do the next prank call let's go back to the newspaper uh we did the

cdl one i marked it uh that other nursing one we did let me know how you guys are enjoying this

number the music too this is uh i don't know how but i got on vaporware all of a sudden like

youtube and facebook know me man this is scary right they know based on my shit that i'll be

into instrumentals because i keep i keep a list like a favorite list of instrumental stuff for

madhouse radio and it just it just knew that i'd be into vaporware which is this genre of music

you're listening to right now it's really it's kind of kind of cool stuff um then it got then

it figured out that i like the simpsons also and it started sending me simpson wave which is music

based on it's it's a meld of what you're listening to right now and the simpsons television show and

it's the most awesome shit ever dude i mean look i think it's called simpsons wave or something

like that and i got this stuff saved for a later show this is the same pepsi show and if we get

through the same pepsi album i'm playing now we're gonna go to a state of mind which is this uh kind

of hip-hop group out of out of europe i believe out of england not super mainstream well-known

in the states yet but they got a pretty decent underground following and i'll tell you their

shit is pretty good and they've done stuff with my probably favorite hip-hop artists of all time

you'll know you guys know it if you listen to my show mf doom also known as uh you know mad villain

and a hundred other thousand names.

Time for a plumbing job, everybody.

Yep.

Contactors.

Hi, so you got a plumbing job over there?

I'm sorry, a plumbing job where?

We have a plumbing job in the Peppa.

Hello?

What type of plumbing job are you looking for?

I make the plumbing go, the water go.

Pardon me?

I make the water go.

I like to make the water go where it goes.

I like the shit to go down out of the house

and into where the water goes.

The shit and piss?

I'm sorry, you must have the wrong number.

No, this is Plumbing Job, and you answered in the affirmative when I called.

I know my rights, and you need to help me out if I have questions.

What is your name, please?

My name is Cross.

Okay, and what plumbing job are you calling about?

Plumber and Plumber's Helper, residential construction and light commercial,

two years experience preferred, dependable, driver's license required,

drug and alcohol free.

Call your phone number.

Yeah, those positions have been filled.

Impossible. Impossible.

Oh, shit.

Not that good. Not that good.

I'm getting recommendations in the affiliated United Chat Rooms of Gort.

Recommendations of type of genres.

I'd rather, um, Jesus.

Groups. I appreciate that.

I'm making a note of those right now on the big board.

And I will be sure to check those out once the show is over.

And I'm in the gym.

look at next at uh what we got here on the list more nursing jobs gee is that all we have here

something else servers line cooks needed asap family-owned restaurant is looking for servers

line cooks and uh others let's do it if you're listening live and you're a player of gta5 that's

grand theft auto part 5 online on the pc platform not on any of the consoles unfortunately because

because console play is apparently a piece of shit.

But if you're a PC player of GTA V Online,

be aware that tomorrow I will be available

and each logged into GTA V

in the late morning to afternoon hours

along with my assorted friends playing.

We're going to be doing missions, hanging out, having fun,

in celebration of International National Carlos Day,

which is my birthday.

Just asking anyone out there who plays GTA V on PC

DC to join me and other people such as Matt fucking Hillock,

uh,

Zach's and,

the associated GTA five players of PCN,

uh,

rather of,

um,

uh,

the PLA.

There's a PLA clan group,

whatever it's called over there.

If you're a member of it,

look out for me tomorrow and my friends join us.

Hang out.

We'll do some shit together.

We'll drink.

We'll get some hookers.

Y'all can come over to my apartment and GTA five.

We'll get one of them hookers.

We'll raper.

We'll smoke marijuana.

We'll drink alcohol.

we'll drive our motorcycles around we'll get in our diaper cars the karima armored ones if you're

interested if you're interested maybe i'll put it on twitch so if you can't make it you can watch

here's an ad that says you can do it too you can do it too listen to independent contractor

talk about earning extra income i don't want to call a phone number about what listen to tammy

talk about earning extra income as an independent delivery agent call for more information this is

is a house ad this is a newspaper company putting an ad in their own paper dig this

tune right guys sounds like a porno in my dreams next on the list next on the list is

my break let me do one or two more here we'll go out take a break come back for another

hour of prank calls to get the fuck out um we got a business opportunity private or shared

office space downtown busy expanding law firm and part of the building okay so what they're

selling the building turn the music up turn me down let's find out google let's go get them again

it's thomas for the money my nigga brooklyn stand up

professional offices how may i help you professional offices of what oh i'm sorry

who are you trying to reach uh professional offices of what is my question this is a law

office okay so what does it have to do with private or shared office space downtown car

Our law business is an expanding law firm, part of the building, excellent office space for an attorney or other professional.

Call here now.

Oh, were you interested in speaking to someone about that?

What do you do?

I'd have to get you to speak with someone.

What do you do?

This is a law office.

What do you do?

What do you do, I said.

I'm the office manager here.

Oh, wow.

Are you pretty?

I'm sorry.

Who is this?

My name is Eddie.

Are you pretty?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hold on.

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

I'll hang up and call back like an asshole

And she probably won't pick up the phone this time

She probably won't pick up this time

Hi, did you have me on hold?

Yeah, I'm sorry

Why did you put me on hold though, for what?

What were you doing?

Were you wanting to discuss the ad with somebody?

Yeah, but why put me, just put me on hold

Why am I on hold?

Are you looking for that person?

Are you looking up information?

are you trying to find out about it yourself like what are you doing i was trying to see if there

was someone who could speak with you i didn't know because you didn't say that you just said

hope please and put me on hold i don't know you know if that's why if

Just hold on.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Do you think there might be somebody there, or are you just trying to look for an out?

Hello, this is Stephanie.

May I help you?

Oh, hey, Big Stephanie.

How are you?

Done with you.

Why?

Ooh, I said big.

Big.

Done with you.

Professional offices.

How may I direct your call?

Stephanie, right now.

professional offices how may i direct your call i'm returning a call about how stuff is how big

stuff is all right all right all right it's break time motherfuckers yeah prepare yourselves i'll be

right back in a little bit and when that little bit happens we'll be getting to the rest of the

show about one hour worth of prank calls hopefully along with my banter and your requests

i'm almost done with the newspaper though so then it'll be time to do uh i don't know

maybe we'll call some businesses you guys want to hear some get your shit out of here stuff we

can do that that's always fun get your shit out of here or anything else i can copy from other

prank callers out there with the real shit you get when you bust down my lines back in a few

I've played a bunch of times, times that by my influence on pop culture.

I'm supposed to be number one on everybody's list.

We'll see what happens when I no longer exist.

Fuck this.

Towns Radio will be back right after this.

You know what, I hope that when you die, they put your GPS in your box.

And a trap door at the bottom.

So when you die, you open that trap door at the bottom.

You check the GPS and you go straight down to the hell.

Madhouse Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

Thank you for calling.

Never hesitate to put a nigga on his back.

Are you or someone in your household 50 years or older?

Press 1 for yes, 2 for no.

What?

Yes, 2 for sure.

You have qualified for a free medical alert system for you or a loved one.

When participating in our monitoring program,

you can receive your medical alert system absolutely free.

What the fuck are you talking about, Novo?

You have dialed a number that is not available from your calling area.

But I just called it once.

You have dialed a...

Oh, fuck you, scammer.

I don't know what it was, but it's a scam.

Trying to scam me.

A lot of dough.

uh let's see here re realty services

like that and i never hesitate to put a nigga on his back

what's that nigga you that grip yeah that fool is breaking my own property

nigga you delinquent can i get those in nigga pay this nigga

This is Morgan. How can I help you?

Hi, Sexy. How are you?

I'm good. How are you?

I'm calling regarding realty, reality services, smarter, bolder, faster, career information, this.

Wednesday at 6 p.m., get all your questions answered.

real estate classes are now forming unlimited income and freedom could be yours and contact

right now career night this weekend you know you know you understand what i'm talking about

yeah are you interested in our career night program do you do realty or do you just hand

show a phone i do a little bit of both oh tell me some realty experiences i'm just excited about

this type of work you know sure did you want to speak with our director of development no i want

want to talk to a normal person like you maybe you could tell me what kind of realty experiences

you have do you go and then they you get a person and they're like i want to look at this house

you know yeah and then what do you do you go and you open the door the house door for them and you

bring them inside yep nice and then you show them all their rooms and how everything works

Yep.

Okay.

And are you ever like, and this is the bedroom, you know, and this is where it happens, and

you lay down on the bed a little bit and say, this is where you lay down, you know, and

you pat the bed a little bit with your hand.

Whoa.

Hi.

Do you understand what I mean?

Sure.

You lay down on the bed and you're like, this is where it happens, and you pat the bed like

two or three times.

Pat like that.

Gotta get make themselves, man.

It's hard, man.

And he's here to put a nigger on his back, on his fucking back, and kill him.

This is Morgan. How can I help you?

Hi, Morgan. How are you, big girl?

I'm good. How are you?

I'm good. We were just talking, and it got cut off.

Did you hit the button to hang it up?

Um, I think it got disconnected.

Oh, I think you maybe felt uncomfortable.

Is there something I can help you with?

You know the part where you lay down on the bed in the bedroom,

and you're like, listen, this is the bedroom here.

You look at the bed, and you pat it while you lay down on it, you know, to invite the woman.

Okay, I'm not sure that this has anything to do with real estate.

Well, no, it does, because you're showing the house.

You're showing it to a potential buyer.

Isn't that all part of it?

Sure.

Did you want to speak with someone that can give you a little bit more information?

Is it a woman or a man?

Does it matter?

It does.

And what would you prefer?

I think right now I prefer a woman, if you know what I mean.

One moment.

anyway as we hold for no reason i'm gonna look for another number here to call i'm very drunk

let's see we called adoption that didn't go well i think that went okay sir hey honey baby she's

not available at the moment did you want me to take your name and number i can have her give you

a call what is she doing i'm sorry what is she doing oh she's in a meeting well i mean i get

you pull out of meetings at work all the time is that a meeting m-e-a-t-i-n-g sorry is it a meeting

m-e-a-t-i-n-g no it's a regular meeting yep that's not where the guy comes and is like oh i need to

have a private conversation with you and closes the door and the blinds close you know no i don't

know you know how sometimes when you're at work you think about making love to somebody no i don't

Would you like to leave your name and phone number?

Well, you're thinking about it now, aren't you?

Nope.

Would you like to leave your name and phone number?

Well, I mean, is it...

Do you like Chipotle?

Can I maybe take you out to lunch and explain to you my urges?

No?

Do you like Chipotle?

Chipotle means rape.

Nunu says check PM.

That means Nunu has sent in numbers.

Let's see that action.

Stop, tell me where you wanna go

To the strip or take a trip

Oh yeah, Nunu sent the numbers

Thank you, Nunu

We got F-Dad

Vietnam, California

Back in on the mission

Keeping a point in my game

Ain't no fucking competition

But one up on reality

I don't think it's our busy now

It's strange how a real ranger

Changed the business by dropping shit like

May I speak with Mr. Dad?

Who's this?

This is Cross. I'm looking for F. Dad.

No, that's my mom.

He's not home?

No, she's not home.

Oh, she's not home. And who are you, the daughter?

I am.

Oh, because she was telling me all about your body.

How you have a nice body, nice hair, nice smile.

Uh, goodbye.

bye i feel like i know you already i want to touch oh man and i was laying back you know what

i mean in my chair i'll call back but she's gonna pick up never hesitate to put a black guy on his

back hey this is cross um do not ring this number again i want to kiss your body look you i'm gonna

call the police no no please don't i just want to smell no i'm gonna call the police i want your

hair in my face i want your hair in my nose i want to smell you deep do not call this number

again I'm gonna call the police no please I'm just gonna call this number

again quiet quiet quiet quiet quiet this is dedicated to the niggas that was

down black guys welcome to death row like we always do about this time

Here's another dad from the new new.

Hello?

Hey, is that Mrs. Dad?

No.

Is Frisana there?

No, no.

Who is this motherfucker?

Who is this?

You what, sir?

No, you fucking shit.

I'm looking for dad, motherfucker.

Put her on the phone.

Tell me who you are first and I'll tell you when it...

My name is Cross.

And what do you want it for, anyway?

Phone sex.

Sex on the phone.

Sorry?

I want to have sex on the phone.

Go use your fucking wardrobe then, innit?

No, I just want a girl on the phone to hear me while I touch it.

Huh?

I want a girl on the phone to hear it while I touch it.

Oh, you sad, sad, pathetic, lonely old man.

I know.

Why the fuck are you ringing?

for zone and dad who do not live at this property and you're saying that you want

to have sex with her on the phone just on the phone why don't you go get a

fucking bottle and shove your fucking penis in it and go and ram it up your

fucking ass it's too small it doesn't fit i tried it already my my head

fuck you disgusting pimp i can't even get the head in get off my line man get

off my line get off okay all right oh oh yeah i'm getting off

Hey, what's up?

Oh my god, why the fuck are you calling my line for?

Oh, because I need help

Well, I can't help you, so don't ring me

Yeah, you can't, come on, I need so much help, it's that funny

I'm just in a bad situation, I'm stuck

Please help me

Where are you calling from?

I'm on the street right now. I need someone to come help me.

Where are you calling from? Not that street. Where are you calling from?

Call box. Call box.

No, no, no. Where? UK? America?

UK.

India?

UK.

I'm being a galabajiro. A galabajiro.

Okay, hang on.

What's going on in the back? Who are you calling?

Tell me. So tell me. Why? Why are you looking for Farzana, dad, for?

Oh, because I want to have sex.

You want to have sex with Farzana, dad?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

How did you get the number, and how did you get the name?

It was given to me.

There was a man.

There's a place where men meet to look at pornography and masturbate together.

And he said, if you want.

Hang on.

Huh?

Yeah?

Yeah, but she doesn't live here, so why are you calling this number for?

Well, that's the number I was given.

Maybe you know what number it is, because I was told that this number, there's a woman who will meet you in the cottage, and you can masturbate.

But if you live in an entire different continent, how the fuck are you supposed to meet Farzana's dad?

I don't. I'm a visitor in the United Kingdom.

You're a visitor in the United Kingdom? Well, you got the wrong number, mate, so I don't know how you got this number. Stop ringing my online, alright?

Wait a minute. Is this not the person anymore that has sex with the men?

Never heard the same person, do you know what I mean?

Huh?

No, you've got the wrong number, mate.

Can you stop ringing my phone?

When did you get this number?

How long has it been, even?

Long time.

Don't you worry about that.

Like a year?

That's relative.

How long?

Oh.

It sounds like it's another one of those numbers where Nunu is giving it to everybody.

Rev, and Zola, and Lego, and me, and Lunch Lady, and Brad, and Matt, and all those people.

And wants me to do it, too.

because nothing's sacred

but he doesn't give me anything exclusive anymore

because he doesn't like me at all.

He's a penguin-looking motherfucker.

That's you, Nunu.

What everybody's saying.

Let's see, let's see.

Thank you for calling the Keenan Advantage Group.

We are the leader of the tank truck industry

with 11 operating subsidiaries nationwide.

Please listen to all menu options

before making your selection.

To check the status of your application,

please press 1 now.

If you're calling to speak with a Kenan Advantage Group recruiter, for all subsidiaries, please press 2 now.

Thank you, and have a safe day.

Please hold while I transfer your call.

Thank you for calling.

Please hold, and your call will be answered as quickly as possible.

Please hold while I transfer your call.

I waited too long for this.

And this has got to be the last call.

I just put my head back, and I almost passed out.

I'm drunk, and I'm done.

This is taking too long, man.

Thank you for calling the Kenan Advantage Group.

If you know the party you're trying to reach, please dial their extension or speak their name now for an internal directory dial 9.

Yeah, whatever.

So maybe I'll do a show tomorrow, maybe not.

Probably not.

Regardless, I'll have to do some kind of Madhouse anniversary show in July.

It'll probably be coming up in two or three weeks.

I'll post that on Facebook and Twitter so everyone knows when that's coming so y'all can get hyped about that.

Don't forget the potential Madhouse meetup.

More information to come out regarding that.

Another promise is for me that I can't fulfill.

Just ask everyone out there who works with me.

I'm the common denominator.

Oh, so said the Prime Minister of France.

Thank you for tuning in, everybody.

I love my fans.

And I love prank calls.

See you here whenever I see you.

Bye-bye.

I mean, seriously, get real.

Wash first.

How do you like your dinner, but your mother?

Sign.

How please?

People.

Right.

Calls (18, 45 min of 1 h 22 min)

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