Porky

My dog doesn't have sexual organs.

Excuse me? Are you calling me porky?

What kind of food is this? What kind of salad?

Labanita.

Oh, labanita. That's disgusting people.

What?

That's disgusting people.

You are disgusting.

No, but I'll eat it still. I'm hungry.

I'm not playing no fucking games, dude.

I-I fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making a stupid comment!

You're out of your crazy mind!

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you. All my life long.

It's not perfect.

why don't you piss off you're listening to the madhouse radio prank cast

your fame is well deserved spanish i don't think there's ever been a gladiator to match you with

this young man he insists you are hector reborn i was a turquoise why doesn't the hero reveal

himself and tell us all your real name do you have a name my name is gladiator how dare you

show your back to me slave move your helmet and tell me your name my name is maximus decimus

meridius commander of the armies of the north general of the felix legions loyal servant to

To the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius.

Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife.

And I will have my vengeance in this life or the next.

Hello?

Hi, am I speaking to a person?

Yes, you are.

Where's Dwight?

Dwight?

Yeah, Dwight.

There's no Dwight here.

He went over there a while ago.

He was going to get some bologna sandwiches and stop over there, and he still hasn't shown up.

I can't help you with that.

Can you put a call out for Dwight, please, to come to the front?

Sure, please, ho.

Hurry up.

Dude, why?

Only stupid people say it like that.

Black people.

No, no, no.

That's not true.

That is true.

Hey, honey baby, how are you?

Hello?

Yeah, hey, how you doing, honey baby?

Cross.

I wanted to make an order.

Okay.

Ready?

One hot water.

Okay.

Venti hot water.

That's it.

And just put the coffee beans in there.

That's how I get down.

That's how I drink my coffee.

I put coffee beans in hot water.

What would you charge me for that?

I'm not really sure.

We'll ask a man.

Okay.

You're welcome.

Hello.

Hey, how you doing, you fatty?

Good, how about you?

Good.

The girl over there said that you can help me out.

How can I help you?

One hot water.

I need a hot water.

And then do you put the coffee beans inside, leave it in the bottom, swirl around a little bit?

It's cool.

That's how you like it.

How much?

Like 14 bucks.

No, seriously, how much would you ring it up?

If you want some coffee beans on the bottom.

Yeah, and hot water.

And hot water.

Hi, how are you?

Good, good.

How are you doing?

What size do you want it?

Charmuta size.

I don't know.

I'm 223.

Okay, thank you.

Hey, will your mother be there?

No.

Second fucker.

Okay, well, that was messed up, man.

Well, I'll fuck your mom while she's there, you know?

Okay, dude, that was like, okay, now you got to relax.

Oh, then now what's going to happen?

What are you going to do?

Okay, I'll see you.

Okay, bye.

cares for dwight i don't care i don't care if he shows up or not dwight mcclanahan will be here at

the top of the hour yeah get used to hearing that phrase dwight mcclanahan top of the hour because

i'm going to be repeating it over and over again because dwight mcclanahan is going to be joining

us when top of the hour thank you someone's looking for a rioting lawnmower your call has

been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system call him back

hey boy you're looking for a riding lawnmower okay that was very rude your call has been

forwarded to an automated voice messaging system austin parvin is not a motherfucker

ring his ass mega ring is not available at the time please put it to an automated voice messaging

thank you for calling our telephone meeting you may enter the conference number followed by the

pound sign there are currently 107 other participants in the conference and become

abstinent please press one to mute or un you are now unmuted guys i'm stupid i had my mute that's

all that brought me to a point finally three two one it was a couple blah blah god this guy won't

be quiet you hear this guy i'm sorry oh i'm sorry let me mute the line i'm sorry i'm sorry

Motherfucker, you.

You want to just mute everything and then I'll unmute?

Mute your ass.

Somebody on the dashboard that can get rid of that idiot.

Member.

Bitch.

I remember hearing at a meeting my other ship, untreatedism is not good.

Sorry, is there anybody that can...

I'm going to talk to you.

Hey, where is it the second hour?

You.

Ryan, you're going to have to call, please.

I mean, seriously, get real.

Is there anybody that can mute the line?

There's a mute line.

Yes, yes, we got one.

Muting the line doesn't help.

They have to knock the person off.

Asshole.

I'm on dashboard.

I will take care of them the moment they come back in.

Sorry about that.

I was in the other room.

Okay, thank you.

Thank you.

Absolutely.

Okay, Bob, I apologize for that.

Thank you for calling our telephone meeting.

You may enter the conference number followed by the pound sign for the meeting at any time during this message.

To unmute your phone, there are currently 1, 100, 11 other participants in the conference.

Please press 1 to unmute.

You are now unmuted.

That moment, to try my usual fix, and that was to start a diet.

And I picked one that, not because it was easy or that, but, and something happened that day.

You know, the last time I'd done a diet, I think it lasted four days.

Before that, it lasted nine days.

And something happened that day.

And there, I think, it is.

You have been kicked from this conference.

Thank you for calling our telephone meeting.

You may enter the conference number followed by the pound sign for the meeting at any time during this message.

There are currently 1, 100, 7 other participants in the conference.

Please press 1. You are now unmuted.

I can't complain about my material situation. I had a good job.

I actually had a position of trust in my union, and I just had no motive.

I had kept my emotions stuffed, you know.

I could smile.

I could definitely put on a smiley face, and I just kept it stuffed.

And that day, I did something out of character.

I picked up the phone, and I called a friend of mine.

Might be muted again.

I know today he wasn't.

Please press 1 to mute.

You are now unmuted.

Another 12-step fellowship.

And I was able to call him, and not just tell him about my inability to start a diet,

but how I felt.

And, you know, that was just totally in opposite to anything, you know, my mantra was to make you think I got my ass together.

And I called this person up, told him, please press one.

You are now unmuted.

How to end life.

And thankfully, I guess I'm too much of a wimp to cause myself any pain.

And that's why I was able to pick up the phone.

And what he had told me is that I've heard...

You just keep muting me, I'll put that on hold.

That was fun.

Got a few interruptions there.

Some nice cheap jokes.

We're about 43 minutes away from the top of the hour in which Dwight McClanahan will be joining us.

Sponsored today by United Beef Farmers of America.

We've supplied him with a two-month supply of bologna.

Be sure to check out the show tonight

Sponsored by United Beef Farmers of America

That's so funny

Disconnect that

I'm done with that

Looking for a number that I can call

All righty.

We got Panera Bread.

It's about to close.

Let's call them before that happens.

Hey, how you doing, Mina?

Hi, who's this?

Hey, Porky.

This is Cross.

I'm sorry?

Hey, what's up?

This is Cross.

How you doing, Porky?

I was calling regarding the soup of the day.

Excuse me?

Are you calling me Porky?

Just, you know,

No, I was just watching that movie.

You ever see it, that old 80s movie, Porky's?

No, I don't recall.

What do you mean the soups today?

I'm sorry, you're a big girl.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you.

Yeah, what are the soups today?

I'm sorry, this is very inappropriate, and you should not be speaking to me like that.

Well, I'm sorry.

Can you please tell me the soups?

I'm sorry.

Yeah, we have tomato, we have broccoli, chicken noodle, we have French onion, wild rice, black.

Go ahead.

Will you let me speak?

Okay.

Can I help you otherwise?

What are the, yeah, what cheese do you put on the grilled cheese there?

Asiago?

Whatever cheese you want.

Okay, do you have seating for fat girls?

Excuse me?

Do you have seatings for fat girls there?

Like for fat women that can sit down, they have enough room between their big belly and the table when they sit down?

I can't believe you're speaking to me like that.

Well, I mean, are there booths there or tables?

How far back, how much space is there?

What is your name again?

I'm Cross, and I'm the handler of Mina Harker.

She's a big, fat girl.

She's going to be coming down to get some food.

And what's the number to reach you at?

You don't need to reach me.

I'm asking you the questions.

Why do you need to call me?

For what?

Because you're talking very inappropriately to me.

So what's having my phone number help you out?

What is that going to do if I gave you my phone number?

Because I can report you to the police.

Why?

That's why.

Because that hurt your feelings?

Yeah, that's very rude.

I'll tell you what.

up get your cell phone call them now while i listen and i want to see how it goes for you put

it on speakerphone and i want to see i give you permission i'll give you if you do it i'll give

you this i'll give you my phone number when you when i hear that they connected go ahead i'll be

right here hold on okay pecker's in the chat room upside down today but he's pecker and he's here

so excited for dwight's show tonight he's got an exclusive interview

with a celebrity.

Pretty big celebrity.

Check that out.

Oh, my God.

Let me call back on another line.

For calling Panera Bread, dear, located at 2658.

Now you can also play sort.

Hi, again.

Please note that if you are calling...

I'm just going back and forth to see where it picks up first.

That one instantly hung up on me.

Okay.

Boring.

Iraqi bakery and grill.

That would be fun, but they say they're closed.

Hello?

Yeah.

Hello?

What do you need?

What do you mean, what do I need?

What do you need?

Well, I was asking questions about the store, about the restaurant.

What do I need?

What kind of way is that to speak to the customer?

What kind of way is that to speak to a lady?

Call her fat.

I didn't call her fat.

I called her porky, first of all.

And then I asked if there's room there for big girls.

And she got all offended and said she's going to call the police.

And I said, for what?

I said, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You asked me a question.

Wait a minute.

I'm still going.

So I asked her, for what?

You're going to call the police.

For what?

For hurting your feelings?

She said, yeah, yeah.

So I told her, go ahead.

I'll be right here.

call the police see how well that goes for you see what they're gonna say you have a porky lady

you need to see if she can fit i have a porky lady to see if she can fit yeah and i'm a little

porky too so i need to know what kind of seating you have there you have seating for fat girls

there's chairs there's chairs yeah and there's tables how much how much do they hold how much

do they hold yeah well does that one fat girl sit on them the answer the phone earlier does

Does she sit on them?

Yeah.

No, she doesn't.

Oh, then they probably aren't strong, you know?

That's probably why she doesn't sit on them, you know?

You retire your buddies, you get a bull or something.

What?

Hey, man, look, if you're going to try to be down with me,

if you're going to try to teach me a lesson on the phone

for calling whatever you think is so bad,

at least don't sound like you're half scared of the process.

Why don't you come inside and see how scared I am?

Okay, all right, sure.

Why don't you meet me?

me you know where applebee's is i'm not gonna meet you you can come inside no no then you're

a chicken then you're then i then i i'm writing down that you've uh given up in a fight and

i'm the i'm the victor i'm the superior man i'm the alpha male um you're pathetic thing we call

him right okay you can say all you want but i'm still the one here i'm waiting i'm right here

i'm right here where are you where are you i'm at work all right well i guess i guess you're

too busy working to defend your honor okay all right hey say say goodbye to porky for me all

right pussy boy okay all right vagina you have a nice day bye vagina bye bye bye i really want

her to call the cops on this hi thanks for calling walgreens in our new phone system you can either

use the numbers on your keypad or just say your choice touchtone keypad options are always

available even if they're not mentioned in the menu all right medical provider now just okay

Okay, here's the prescriber menu.

The pharmacy is closed now.

To record a refill authorization or a new prescription...

Sorry, let me give you those choices again.

No, no, no, no, no.

Sorry, let me connect you to someone who can help.

Jesus.

Mr. Colley-Walgreens.

Hey, Sharmuta, how are you?

How are you?

Uh, not good. I need to get some information.

Okay.

Okay, do you have that hair stuff that black people use?

That black people use?

Yeah, the black people hair stuff.

Um, I'm not sure what you...

Hold on, I can't help you.

I have to ask someone to help you.

Ask?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I have to ask a manager.

Go ahead and ask.

Yeah, but maybe you shouldn't do that because that's violent.

Okay.

Yeah, don't ask them.

Okay.

Hello?

Hi.

This is Aileen speaking.

How can I help you?

Hi, do you have the hair stuff that black people use?

I'm sorry?

Do you have the hair stuff for black people?

That's a legit question.

those people have a special hair thing yeah get real far with that 30 minutes from the top of the

hour hey charmuta how you doing okay i guess she knows what that means hey how are you doing

how are you i'm not too good i wanted to do some order go ahead okay i like one

One hummus with tahini.

Hummus, okay.

Uh-huh.

One baba ganoush.

Small, medium, or large?

Medium.

Okay.

One salad, spicy.

Medium?

Spicy.

Yeah, I mean medium, or small, or large.

Yeah, what kind of food is this?

What kind of salad?

Lebanese salad.

Oh, that's disgusting people.

What?

That's disgusting people.

You are disgusting.

No, but I'll eat it still.

I'm hungry.

we're just doing quick pranks today guys because i gave it over to dwight in about 25 minutes what

hey you have a whole chickens there right yeah for muhammad uh the rotisserie or are they fry

no did you order or you want to order now oh i want to order but i'm just wondering uh the whole

chicken is it rotisserie chicken like baked or fried um actually we don't have any more

Oh, did you put them all up your asshole and your pussy, Sharmuta?

No, no.

Hello?

Your phone's ringing.

Okay, can you just shut up and go tell these things to your mom, not for us?

I say to your sister and your mom at the same time.

No, for your mom.

I fucked them in the street.

No, she can't.

Breaking news, everybody.

Poop time for the win, also known as Matt fucking Hillock,

will be shitting his pants in the hallway.

All right.

No, he'll be joining us here.

He'll be joining me in a minute when he closes steam and takes a piss.

Yeah, so look out for that.

Matt Hillock, his life is great.

He's got a great life.

Good things going on over there, Matt Hillock.

Hello there.

Hey.

This tastes like McDougal.

Delicious.

All right, okay.

We called the Panera.

We insulted the girl.

Here's Target.

TJ Maxx already called, looking for Dwight.

Here's a place called Al Amir.

They're open, too.

Hello, Nick.

Hey, how you doing?

Not too good.

Why not?

I'm hungry.

Oh, what can I get you?

Do you have Baba Ganu?

Critical alert from Microsoft.

Yeah, we do.

Critical alert from Microsoft.

Your computer has alerted us that it is infected by a virus and or spyware.

My computer has virus and spyware.

I went to your website and I got a virus, apparently.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, so what do you have?

Do you have whole chickens there?

Like, we don't have like a whole chicken, but we have boneless chicken.

Oh, okay.

Boneless?

how many pieces does it come a whole bonus is eight pieces eight pieces all right okay and

what do you do with them you can get hummus rice or fries and then soup or salad okay oh because

i thought you i thought you just put them up your pussy hole you know like one by one yeah yeah yeah

sharmuta you know what that means i learned that word i learned that word sharmuta it's a funny

word yeah can you teach me other words please that are bad hello hey sharmuta my my name is

This is Eid Mubarak.

Assalamu alaikum to you.

Okay, can you stop calling me?

Listen, listen.

On this festification, we're all praying that your days are filled with joy, light, and peace.

May Allah accept all your good deeds during Ramadan.

Ameen.

Thank you.

Ramadan was an amazing month for us, and your donations will help us reach thousands of Sharmutas in need.

Okay.

My name is Eid Mubarak.

I think I just said I'm the president of Oklahoma.

Sorry, I'm back here.

ask for a boneless pizza for a boneless pizza uh that's a good idea let's see we got a guy

selling chihuahua puppies he's he's caller text says

oh here's the fucking phone every time

every time every time stop everything hello yeah hey i told you i was doing a show what do you want

oh no oh you're on your way home everybody yeah oh i guess i gotta stop the show now

now i gotta be a husband god damn it are you bringing me food bye done conversation over

let's do this summertime with the crew she could turn around and get me some food that's what i

gotta say i'm cooking i'm cooking guys i made a nice rice with garbanzos in it with some salad

shrimp thrown in there then i made me some chicken breasts in the oven a nice little sauce a nice

diet sauce matt hillock and put some cbd oil on it too yeah hello what's up buddy hello yeah hey

Hey, I'm sorry, man.

Hang on a minute.

Hey, sir, I see you got an ad in the peppa for four chihuahua puppies for sale.

Yeah.

You got any of them chihuahuas yet?

Yeah, we got two.

We got two there.

Are they boy, girls, or what?

What are they?

Gulls.

Gulls?

I can't hear.

Gulls.

Gulls?

Girls, you're saying?

Gulls.

What?

It's a female.

What did he say?

Gulls?

They're females.

Okay, yeah, I know a female, but he said ghouls like that.

Ghouls.

Oh, he talks a little funny.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry he talks funny.

I'm sorry.

So, are you looking for $75 for each?

Yeah.

Would you do two for $140?

Do what?

Would you do two for $140?

Yeah.

Okay.

Did they have nice fat on them yet, or should I maybe feed them some corn?

It don't matter.

Well, me and Matt are looking to eat them, basically, is what's going on.

We got a big pot brewing over here.

We got some gumbo sauce.

chihuahuas you're gonna eat them yeah yeah isn't that a little bit chihuahua meat don't do no right

matt you like that chihuahua oh that's good stuff yeah yeah yeah i can't hear the animals yeah i

know they're animal matt i'm gonna call you back uh they're animals yeah i know but i mean that

so is a cow chicken's an animal right last time i would you want to kill a dog and eat it well

nobody wants it first of all all right you can't sell them and i'm looking at you i'm hungry i

I got to survive.

I'm looking to survive here.

That's just mean.

What?

That's just mean?

Hey, I'm going to get you on the McCooley.

Don't call this fucking phone again.

I'm going to call the fucking police on you, stupid ass.

Why do you talk stupid like you have a dick in your mouth?

Why, prank master?

Hey, Matt, did you hear that?

Matt?

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

You there?

Hello?

Talk.

Matt, talk.

I messed up a cable.

I'm sorry, Matt.

Hang on.

You're going to have to talk, or I'm going to have to play a sound effect.

Give me a second.

guy let me don't do anything matt just stay there it's my fault not yours i'm it's me not you

give me a second i'll fix it buddy i just gotta get my alarm sound effect

here we go and then i gotta make it come up here

it's very low i don't know why it's coming in so low

there we go here we go almost there there we go there we go

gotcha hey how you doing matt you make sarlacc you hey it's good to hear you man

am i am i doing all right you're great you're me and radio laying out there oh you're good

you're so good you're so good matt we're gonna call that place back in if they pick if they

pick up you take it and explain how the sausage is made hello hello yeah hi matt your call has

been forwarded to an automatic voice oh man i know right howdy all yeah but they're all like

dude that's me why are you gonna eat a chihuahua goddamn animal that's what i that's what she said

and i'm like yeah it's an animal exactly that's the whole point that's what meat is made of this

is the bible says that they're all over here you know that's the excuse i used to use my mom when

she fired marijuana in my room when i was a kid because everything god gave us and that's why you

You fucked that dolphin that one time in SeaWorld.

I'd stroke him, though.

Oh, yeah.

With this corkscrew.

Well, I was mistaken, sir.

You ever seen them whack off dolphins?

It's pretty interesting.

No, no, no, I don't.

You ever seen it?

It's like crazy corkscrew-y.

Ew.

Well, like, I'd be at SeaWorld, and, like, they'd get their peckers to get all hard and stuff,

and you'd see it in the underwater tank.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated...

Little Randy motherfuckers, them sometimes.

Automated voicemail message.

I've been playing this Half-Life 2.

It's fucking amazing, man.

Good.

I can't believe I slept on it

I bought a PS4 Pro today

I'm playing that

You told me in a big ass 4K TV

Yeah, but it won't be here until Thursday

But yeah, 4K TV

We talked last night

Yeah, talked a lot last night

I'm sorry about that

No, it's good stuff

We were watching some

Fucking skitronic people on YouTube

Yeah, that guy

The glow-in-the-dark CIA niggers

okay so who um did you see my post in the prank call nation facebook i thought you get a kick out

of that i don't know if i did let's see take a look see if you remember that i'm doing it right

now let's see funny prank call nation let's see i've seen some my i think maybe we're going

different ones because i go to like it i go to the go to the public group right yeah yeah

The last thing

Oh not the

The fan page

The page

I'm sorry

You know where Zach's post

Hey we're going on everybody

I'm not sure where to find it

Somebody post me a link

We'll get you a link

You'll get a kick out of that

In the meantime we're going to do another call here

One of your favorite things

A trailer

I forgot to dial

Prank call mission

hey how you doing i see you got a trailer here are you looking i'm sorry you're looking for

like a house or a trailer sweet you're looking around yeah okay did you find one yet honey

no uh well uh my uncle here uncle matt he's got a he's got some some rooms here at a trailer home

it's a real nice property he's over at horse machine ranch uh he wants to know a little bit

about you you know if you could tell us about who's going to be moving in maybe and uh see

see about your pet also and he's he's on matt you're there uncle matt yeah yeah yeah how you

doing uh what's this pet i hear about what kind of critter you got there missy um where is this

place at a horse it's in rogersville the horse machine ranch road area horse machine ranch road

it's a good a good place good people i don't know where that's at well you'll find it there's a

whole lot in this world you don't know sweetie now what kind of pet you got it's a dog he's uh

Uh, just a mixed

hound dog. What's the dog's

name? His name's Nico.

Yeah, uh, cause

we were, uh, we were talking earlier

with some chihuahua puppies

that we're gonna make some sausage

out of. You think we could make sausage

out of your pup, too?

I think you better not call me back.

Can we masturbate the dog?

He's going around, he's shaking his beers,

he's shaking chocolate juice and everything.

Don't

call. Let's see if the husband picks up

up now i'll listen to her you motherfucker my dog hey you've reached kim sorry i'm not

15 minutes left till dwight mcclanahan and the baloney's pick up the line behind me

hello hello i told you not to call my number he was just joking i'm sorry ma'am i'm sorry

he was just joking um we're pet friendly uh how big are your dog sexual organs though

My dog doesn't have sexual organs.

Did you eat them?

No, you did.

Did they get stuck inside of you?

No, you did.

You did.

I told this man he called up.

He said, it's a dog organ.

I told him, no, you do.

No, it's a dog organ.

A dog organ.

That's it.

You're selling with an older style box, in quotes, TV.

Box TV.

Come and get it.

Yeah.

Come on the box.

Yeah.

All right.

Richie, I got to get some gold bond.

Some gold bond?

I got the strong one and the regular one.

Put it on your balls and everything.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message.

The strong one you can probably get off if you put enough on and on.

It's so tingly.

Someone has six or seven heads of cabbage for sale.

I can tell you, and I think I'll probably tell it, but when I worked in the gum factory,

there was a giant vat of powdered menthol in a big barrel.

And that's how I took my finger and licked it and stuck it in it and ate it.

It about burned my mouth off.

It was so crazy.

Hey, you got that cabbage still?

Yeah.

Oh, good, good, good.

How big head of cabbage that is?

Pretty big.

About, let's see, my grandson weighed one.

It was like 20 pounds.

can you put some grows uh okay that's cool they probably weigh anywhere from like 12 to

18 pounds something like that did you grow them things or like what happened yeah yeah i grew

them oh you grew them yeah all right cool cool uh yeah all right um do you think maybe i could

like hold them and see how they uh how they would fit you know how they would fit yeah because what

i'm going to do i got a big bra i'm going to wear and i just want to put them inside the bra

you know two of them ridiculous that was the last straw first he wanted to know how big the

damn cabbages were that was one thing all right it was a little weird but then he talks about

putting on a woman's brassiere cabbages let me try to get i gotta reconnect i gotta redo this

call give me a second uh dwight was trying to call hang on here let me get him here drop a

poop time in there let's see if there's word yes hello hey dwight how you doing hey

i had some skype problems and trying to reconnect maddie now let's see if that works

andy ice yeah so uh yeah you guys you're ready to go what's going on nine minutes nine minutes

let's go oh yeah i know what do you got planned for us what do you got planned for us at the top

of the hour uh twitter complainers yeah twitter complainers yeah it's always a favorite here

on Brent

Culnation. Excellent, excellent, excellent.

That's all you got? That's all you got for me?

Yeah, we'll figure out something

as we go forward. We're going to wing it.

Wing it. Alright, cool.

Alright, so I'll let you, I guess, finish getting ready,

but you're going

to send me a message, let me know when you're ready,

and I'll kick off, right?

Yeah. Alright, Dwight.

Hey, everyone. Stay tuned for Dwight

coming up soon. Dwight.

Let's get Matt reconnecting

here i lost him so yeah twice coming up guys be excited hey man i couldn't connect you guys i

don't know i don't know what they're doing i got these weird messages maybe it's because i'm on the

weird skype because no but i can't because then i lose the ringing this is gary leave a message

and i'll get back to you this guy with the cabbages uh let's see here someone's got a

spare tire i'm not feeling that i remember that cabbage head guy on my kid in the hall

no he was like uh kind of like a don rickles type comedian for the cabbage on his head like

on top of his head or his head was a cabbage yeah it was like kind of like shitty hair

i got a cabbage

one of the listeners out there doesn't really know what i'm talking about i'm gonna try this

number uh new news sent in i don't know if i have enough credit to call the uk last time i tried it

was failing oh it's working supposedly this lady yelled at me last time i talked to her

the line is currently engaged engage your call cannot be completed

i keep putting periods in my number the wicked women is putting period blood stew

the stew which is blue it's that time of the moon phase of the month

ain't got a clue 99 problems in the bitch ain't one hello you got them jars hello beer o'clock

soba hello oh please i know you're there he's here trapped trapped in a jar oh they're rapping

on when i hear that shit rapping that jay-z shit said the b-word we got time for me oh is he coming

well he is goodbye hello hey boy how you doing you got a hallmark enclosed trailer uh yes sir i

i have what do you use that for my brother uh what you use that for my brother what'd you use

that for brother i'm just calling your brother i'm just you know brother in the law oh i haul

a car in it oh you think that go ahead that's why it's called a car hauler well what it says

here's a hallmark enclosed trailer you don't say into a hauler now oh does it no don't so don't

which one do you look i've got on two different but you must be on swap shop in on yeah i'll

I'll tell you what, I love that Swashop radio show, man.

I love it.

So you got that enclosed trailer.

You used it for hauling cars, then you said?

Same thing we talk about?

Or was that something else?

No.

No what?

No what what?

Hello?

Are you interested in buying the trailer?

Yeah, yeah.

I need to see that thing, you know?

You think that thing could haul horses?

No, it will not.

It's just good for cars?

Yeah.

All right, yeah.

I like to check it out, maybe test ride it a little bit there.

you know uh you got some safe area maybe like a parking lot somewhere nearby i can ride around

you know uh test well uh this trailer is a trailer you have to pull it with a vehicle i know i'm

my car and we got a hitch i got a i got one of them honda uh trucks you know well it may not be

big enough to pull it then well it is i got a honda odyssey uh it's a van i'll put it back

it ain't gonna pull it god you you sure for real it won't pull it

what if i hook your mom up to the front what the fuck did this guy this guy

we'll pull a trailer with a mini man hang on i'll pull it i beg part i beg your pardon

on the galaxy whatever i said you probably could uh for sale baja mexico yeah baja

John Morticicle, and looking for

a tumble buggy. Hey, Mover.

A tumble buggy?

Sounds like a 70s cartoon show about a dune buggy.

Here comes the tumble buggy.

What up, tumble buggy?

Look at Nunu's all like...

Nunu, I checked the PM and I called

the number.

Four, two, three.

It went to voicemail, man.

Nunu, actually, party time's gonna be

Monday this week.

oh my god we're back to mondays that's a special announcement here it'll make it'll make don's

song relevant yeah that's good that's good um so good now we all know monday you're back on

monday zax is done with his thing with his girl they broke up i think so for a minute i think

he's just like schedules just different yeah he probably needs some new pussy now after you hit

it a few times like all right you know same thing like newness everybody yeah nothing feels better

Nothing feels better than your pussy, man.

Nothing feels better than your pussy.

All you kids listening out there, you'll know what I'm talking about when you hit that age.

Like 6'7".

Yep.

One more, one more, and then we'll play some music for Dwight to get on here and this motherfucker.

We got someone with a kitchen table.

Must be picked up.

Matt, I feel like you didn't do much.

I'm sorry.

It's good to have you on, though.

Yeah, damn.

It's cool hanging out, man.

Just your presence here.

So you buy a PS4, we can hang out together on there.

PlayStation.

Come on.

I'm sitting here playing Half-Life 2 on Steam and having a ball.

Blowing my mind.

Hey, honey.

Do you have an oval kitchen table?

Uh, sold.

Did they pick it up yet and everything?

Yeah, yeah.

Shit.

Yeah, it went out today.

That really makes me mad.

That makes me so mad.

I want to go kick your chairs.

All the chairs you have inside your house, I want to kick them.

Why?

Because I'm angry.

I want to break your furniture that you have left now.

I want to throw them and break them.

Yeah, that's all I got.

I don't know.

Look, it's 10 o'clock, Matt.

We got to go, man.

Okay.

I'm sorry, bro.

Thanks for being on for a little bit.

Give me some time.

Everybody, Matt Hellock will be on Monday.

Enjoy Dwight's show.

Yep.

Enjoy the mop ride, guys.

Anyway, so thank you, everyone, for tuning in.

Dwight will be joining us here in a few seconds.

minutes or something like that with his intro and outro i'm gonna go to try to salvage what's left

of my evening with a very angry wife after i hung up on her for not bringing me dinner

and i'll explain it was all you know for a show uh and hey if you're on i'm back on playstation

network or plus or whatever it's called carlitus dash x carlitus c-a-r-l-i-t-u-s

dash also known as hyphen also known as line x carlitus dash x hit me up on there i don't really

have many games right now i got that horizon new dawn i'll tell you what it's a pretty game

pretty game so far i haven't played that much of it yet uh see you later i'll probably join

dwight show also so stay tuned everybody don't go anywhere motherfuckers you

Calls (13, 28 min of 51 min)

Transcript

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