Madhouse Radio

I don't understand. What kind of calls are these?

You're talking about this glory hole in the bathroom where you stick your penis in?

Yeah.

Good, dickhead.

Good, bitch.

Fuck you.

Hey, shithead. It's one o'clock in the morning.

Fuck you, you goddamn piece of shit.

Yeah, fuck you. Ten more calls tonight.

Ten more random calls in the next four hours.

Fuck you.

Fuck you, you son of a bitch.

Yeah, you get shit. You get shit.

Fuck you.

You get shit.

Fuck you.

I'm not playing no fucking games, man.

I, I, fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making a stupid comment.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all my life long.

You're not perfect.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

Thank you for calling Red Rock Chevron.

We're located to feature a self-service car wash as well as a touchless automatic car wash.

We have a variety of detailing products to keep your vehicle looking new.

Red Rock Chevron is here for you.

Do they got to talk that much for a gas station, Milkman?

Is that normal?

Please stay on the line while your call is transferred to the operator.

Hey, how you doing?

Red Rock, yeah.

Red Rocks, yeah.

We're going back to Mars.

Red Rocks, motherfucker.

You know what I mean?

You remember that one?

Always.

Red Rocks.

Hey, what's the price of diesel right now?

I haven't a clue.

What's the price of diesel, Dad?

Do you know what it is out there?

Nope.

Yeah.

Anyhow.

That's your dad?

Oh, that's so nice.

Is that your dad's there with you?

Yeah, he's going to go look.

Oh, do you love your dad?

Yeah.

Not this particular one.

I've got others, though.

It's that kind of dad.

Black and mild.

Those suck, by the way.

The jazz ones suck.

I just like straight, normal, plain black and mild, you know.

I didn't like the wine.

I don't like any of those other ones.

It's like the regular.

That's what I'm saying, motherfucker.

So this is a daddy-son kind of relationship you have with him?

That's cool.

Congratulations.

What do you got here?

I'm happy you found a man to replace your father.

Do you do punishment?

Does he do, is he a punishment daddy?

No.

Oh, okay, cool.

Not mine.

I have a question.

Hey, man, if you're busy, I mean, I don't mean to bother you.

This is important.

It's about the fireworks.

No, I'm not busy.

I'm about to light these fireworks off.

There you go.

In the parking lot, in your parking lot here.

So I wanted to make sure that, trying to see the diesel, I think it's a little less flammable, like, from sparks.

There you go.

But we wanted to put something down on it, you know?

You're a real man.

We're behind the building, you know, and we're going to let off some fireworks, you know?

We just got out of work, man.

We've been drinking, and we went into that one fireworks place.

That place, that really, you know, that really big place?

You've got to be careful.

The cop was just here in the...

No, he left.

He left.

I totally saw him leave with his lights on.

He went to go work on something.

There you go.

So we're good.

And you're lucky.

We're clear.

You're good.

You see?

See? You won't get caught.

Yeah, but I'm just...

If you get caught, you'll probably miss the fourth.

Oh.

That's what they tend to do.

Okay, yeah.

Drunk, lighting off firecrackers.

Might not be the smartest thing.

Okay, you don't think I should do it here in the back of the store?

I wouldn't, but that's me.

But what I want to do is like a trail of diesel then.

I wanted to do it maybe, I don't know, down the street somewhere in an industrial park.

I was going to look up on Google for an industrial park, you know.

because they're gone for the weekend will uh diesel burn in a trail like if i make a big long

line can i light it like i want it and have it go you know like a trail like in die hard 2 die

harder you know what i'm talking about hey man i'm just gonna go man if you're busy i don't want

to take up your time you know hey you know you're busy i'm busy you know what i mean

hey we got girls here we got some girls we got some guys hey buddy how you doing all right oh

Oh, cool. Yeah, I was calling about the diesel.

Will it burn in a trail if I create a trail with it?

I would not.

You would not, no? I'm sorry, what?

I would not.

But why? I just want to make, like, a trail of it.

You know, and you light it at one end and it goes...

Yeah, I wouldn't, no.

Have you ever seen Die Hard 2, Die Harder?

Do you ever see the movie?

Yeah, but, I mean, I've been waiting this whole time.

I just want the price of diesel. That's all I'm asking for.

Oh, the price of diesel? Oh, well, you didn't ask that.

No, I asked the first... Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I asked the first guy...

I asked the first guy about that, you know, and I thought that's what he called you daddy,

and he said he was going to have you check it out.

269?

All right.

But can I mean, for real, though, will it burn in a trail?

You don't know.

Because we've got a garbage can packed to the brim that we just got at Walmart.

I mean, big, rubber-made trash can with just a ton of fireworks all completely.

The thing weighs a good 20 pounds.

and we just want to set the whole thing off you know on fire because lopez down the street he's

been all we got the best firework show last year yeah that is here with me hey milkman how you

doing

are you completely lost due to incompetence right now

milkman do you remember that cheats and chong movie up in smoke that the song that we're

Playing for the intro.

Watch that.

Got that, man.

Thank you for calling Red Rock Chevron.

We're located at 80...

Not Chevron.

Hold on.

I'm having some issues here, Milkman, with the phone.

I'm sorry.

Thank you for calling Red Rock Chevron.

We're located at...

I can't copy-paste that?

How you been, Milkman?

How are them sexual organs?

All right, man.

How the heck you doing, my brother?

I've been fantastic.

How have you been?

Terrible.

Long time no see, man.

Terrible.

Dying of diabetes.

Thanks for asking.

Oh, hell.

You got to stop that shit, man.

You got to get back on the course, man.

Follow the signs in there, man.

More fiber.

Fiber.

That's what I'm talking about, Big Milkman.

We'll get some fiber in us, huh?

What do you think?

Fiber, yeah.

Yeah.

I love it.

Let me change my caller ID real quick here.

You working tonight, baby guy?

No, no, no, man.

I'm not working.

Okay, good.

Just making sure if you have to come in and out or if you're with us, with us.

No, I'm with you.

worth you all right yes sir like to say hi to everyone i would like to say hi to everyone

who's listening be sure to check the uh antiquated madhouse live.com yeah be sure to do that yeah

all my friends out there so good to hear you glad you're back

i want to call apartment complexes but they're going to be all closed up and down unless it's

like the emergency maintenance line happens to pick up the obvious question of what is so

complex about what do you mean we talk about apartment complex with no complex oh yeah you

know that's funny man the college i went to my freshman year they had a business i think it was

the business department they had a building called the the university business complex

and there was a big deal about the universe the the student government decided that it had to be

be renamed because complex gave the impression that it was hard and they had

renamed it.

I don't know.

I don't know what center I think they've renamed it to or something.

I was like,

they're like,

we're going through orientation at this,

you know,

pretty big four year university,

you know,

a university of central Florida in 97 when Dante Culpepper was there.

Oh my God.

I was like,

are you kidding?

They're like,

yeah,

they're still like,

they're giving us a grand tour of this big ass uh freaking uh campus and we're a bunch of 18 year

olds i think there was like there was like a couple 15 year olds like super smart kids you

know like yeah we got college credit in high school and we're already in college like they

were like because they had us divided in in the school that we were joining where they were

undecided or who had chosen a major and i had chosen computer science so they had all the

computer science people together so there were like some super nerd kids like you know like

these kids were straight up 15 16 years old that i used to interact with like it was like super

smart at the time ucf had a pretty good bang for your buck uh computer science department i don't

know if it does now or not i guess it's a good one probably just knowing the area and the culture

sure that's cool with uh tech um mostly because mostly because of the proximity to nasa there's

a lot of hand-in-hand nasa work they have a lot of robotics yeah i'm not saying that you said it

was like yale or something i'm saying it was fun going there man but i totally didn't take it

seriously i wasn't fucking ready for it any anybody that's any of our i know we've got a lot

of young cats out there milkman to listen to us maybe some of them are heading to their senior

year or maybe going into their freshman year of college um i will highly recommend if you're if

you if you're not sure if you kind of think about it you know would it am i really ready for that

shit or you know maybe you just want a break from school like you're an adult now so maybe just take

the first semester off and go in the spring or take a first year off and i would say you know

what i would say honestly what i would recommend to my child uh if it were now if i had a someone

Someone 17, 18 years old, I would say, take a year.

If you and your family can afford it, take like six months off or a year off

and explore some kind of cool place on your own if you're that minded.

If not, I would say just take at least six months off and enjoy it.

And then go to community college in the spring and just go part-time.

Community college is almost like high school 1.8, I would say,

you know from from you know a university or actual college um i think a lot of a lot of uh

i think i know from what i heard of all my graduating class i think we were like 100

something i don't know we're a pretty big graduating class um a lot of us like just

freaking like after the first year like you know we're done all the all the women got pregnant

and uh all the men ended up dropping out and stuff and you just it's just you know you're

You're more like, don't stress it so much, dude.

Just really fucking enjoy it.

God, I sound like an old man.

Thanks, milkman.

Thanks.

I guess we're going for that old demo this night, huh?

Anyway, my suggestion, don't just jump into university if you're not.

I mean, there's kids that are totally capable of it.

By all means, go get that money.

But if you're not, just, dude, fucking take a break.

You've been doing school since you can remember, all right?

And, God, even six months.

You know what I mean?

even just take the whole fall and winter off and be with family christmas time whatever

and start in the spring or or just start like half time you know what i mean i got a call from

dr lego hang on let me he's calling my personal cell here hang on oh my goodness what was that

lego hey man how you doing do you want to join the show i can call you back on my calling machine

all right because you're calling myself don't i yeah yeah yeah yeah all right buddy i'll call

call you right now oh shit it's dr lego oh my god quick let's get kdk woken up call the phone

losers i'm on the calling machine hey how you doing dr lego yeah what's up how you been sir

man we haven't talked to you since the what's up milky milky yeah we're here

oh man so good to hear you brother that's awesome talk to how you guys doing yeah it's funny i just

I just logged into Facebook and saw you guys were doing a little show, so I figured I'd chime in.

I saw Prankmaster out there, who still thinks his name is Major Chaos.

I don't know, he's all fucking twisted.

Oh, the Major Chaos thing.

I've seen him make omelets with ostrich eggs.

I've seen him go around with the same shirt with the aliens coming out.

Do you know for a while he was doing product demos?

on uh on youtube like people were sending him shit he was doing these like really funny

like you know it's just like you don't you don't remember back in the day when we're all in the

building together man like he was always like i got this free this i got this free that

he's always like getting everything for free yeah i'm saying man so how do you do you know

this story do you know the story one time hyperjerk was at my house right yeah we were having a

barbecue so so i think him and zolar went to uh went to the supermarket and as soon as he walks

into the supermarket he goes to the meat section to buy you know whatever burgers and shit and um

and the guy goes oh hi picture from howard stern and he's like yeah can you give me some meat so

the guy like fucking gives him a it's like anywhere he goes he mooches off people the guy gives him

like a bag of fucking chopped meat and shit.

It was hilarious.

He's so unable, but...

Yeah, he's pretty hard.

He's walking around with a cane now,

and he's like 800 fucking pounds retarded.

Yeah.

So let me ask you something.

Let me ask you, what is a talk machine or a call machine?

Like, is it like a time machine, but it makes phone calls?

Yeah, no, no, no.

It's like a...

How do I say it?

It's like a VoIP kind of setup that we got

with our own server running.

Oh, you like all VoIP?

So you've invested a lot in this system since I've been around.

12 years coming up in a couple weeks.

So, yeah, man, I mean, we're all in, you know?

That's pretty crazy.

I'll tell you, you know, six years ago I stopped doing my show, maybe seven now.

Can you imagine?

Seven.

Seven years I have not done my show.

And I think I stopped for two reasons.

One, I really ran out of pranks, you know?

There's only so many Chinese places you can call.

Right.

The second thing was, I really didn't know how I could make money doing it.

I know Zola was trying to do that, but it just didn't work out.

Patreon, man.

That's what I told Brad.

I saw one of my favorite podcasts.

They were like, hey, we're on Patreon.

What the hell is that?

And basically, your crowd that follows you, they get the opportunity to donate to you on a monthly basis, however much they want.

You can set goals.

goals so like if you say if i you know get up to fifth you know a thousand uh a month i will

you know make a cd or you know what i mean something you make little goals you send little

little some swag out here and there uh you know brad from uh you know rbcp right but i know you

do because i've heard you call into his show um you left the place before him yeah dude he uh hit

the 2k mark he's like really doing good dude if i was making 2000 off of madhouse i would i would

have a legitimate reason to quit you're talking to a guy that comes from listen you're talking

to a guy that comes from the record business when i started doing prank calls you know i said i knew

i know there's a way to make money you're like a fat johnny cage i'm sorry you know johnny cage

i'm sorry to interrupt buddy mortal kombat look at that look it up look at johnny cage

anyway go ahead johnny cage man yeah so so but but seriously you know after selling 60 000 gross

Those tapes, you know, it's tough to swallow, you know, the other shit, you know.

And I got one, the nice green tape.

I've got it locked away, man.

I've got it.

We just did some, like, organizing of stuff, and I totally found it

and made sure I know exactly where it's at.

It's in a special box, a special thing.

Dude, I only have, like, three or four of those things left.

That's all that's left.

Do you have masters, though, dude?

Dude, because, dude, it's, I don't know if you know, but on the PCN side of things, like, and my stuff that I've been doing for several years now, the fucking, I mean, I've got it loaded up right here.

The fucking, hang on, I got it here, hang on, somewhere, somewhere.

This one right here, you know?

There you go.

And you were behind the production of this right here.

And I bought this tape, I've said this story before, and people probably know it.

I bought the tape in 1995 with my cousin.

We were both drunk and high at the Altamont Mall in Florida.

I was 15 years old.

Spencer Gifts.

Spencer Gifts, yeah, yeah.

And, yeah, and then freaking out of nowhere, like, we were already talking for like a year, you know what I mean?

Doing shows and shit and hanging out and online.

Yeah, I think he paid five or six bucks for it.

Spencer just bought 60,000 of them from me directly for $2.25 each.

I hit a home run.

I made over $120,000 on those stupid things.

Did you get to go in a suit to the Spencer's headquarters in Manhattan or something?

Like, how'd that happen?

It was in New Jersey at the time.

And, no, I would never put on a fucking suit.

Fuck that, right?

I mean, maybe once in a while.

Fuck that.

Yeah, I'm not one of those, like, I'm not one of those put on a suit and walk around in 90-degree weather kind of people, you know?

Fuck that.

Tie-dye all the way, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, so, but I did meet with a guy from Jersey, and yeah, you know, I said, I told the guy, which was the truth, the guys, the jerky boy guys wanted to buy it, and then they backed out.

Really?

Like Brennan and Kamal, or?

No, they're record label.

They're record label.

Okay, they're label, okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, cool, cool, all right, wow, all right.

Yeah, so, you know, dude, but that's a different time, you can't do that shit anymore, bro, you can't even, you know, it's like the whole music business.

business and that whole thing you know cassettes and i mean cassettes are really cool i i i love

cassettes but a lot of kids don't even know what that shit is today you know do you but do you have

the masters because they've been played a lot like everyone's had a lot of fun i get people all the

time where's that shitting sound effect where's that throwing up sound effect i'm like here it

is from dr lego you know i'm always those masters you're gonna laugh the masters on analog they

were done on that was analog tape though that was never that never hit digital that was never

recorded to pro tools or any of that was recorded to tape two inch tape really does it does it exist

i mean you have a copy of it i've heard you use it before on your shows oh yeah last oh yeah i

have not only do i have that i have stuff that was from from that time that was never released

um we even did a did i ever let you hear the rap song that was done we actually made a rap song

No

Yeah

I gotta dig that up

You'll get a kick out of that

We did a rap

That was really kind of funny

Was it with throwing up

And shitting and farting

And stuff or

Right

So but the rap itself

Was like a comedy rap

And it was really vulgar

Okay

And then

And then we'd get to a part

Where the chorus is

And then we would put all

Of the sounds in it

It was pretty fucking funny

Well it's got you

Invoking Ice-T

And that one album he had

Where he started off

Like this album's got

Fucking shit

And nigger

And if you don't

You know what I mean

Yeah

Yeah, I know you invoked that.

So, yeah, dude, and I already told you, people go back in time and find it on the website,

how much fun I had with that as a kid.

And we haven't met the guy.

Hey, so I mentioned to you about a possible Madhouse meetup,

and I would love for you and your band to be like a house band if we found a venue,

if you needed to get paid, cover your costs, like I'm thinking about crowdsourcing some money or whatever.

Yeah, I would love to.

I would love to.

we've steered toward uh the new york city area right now uh maybe new jersey i don't know i don't

know like we need to find a venue and stuff but dude having a house bill would be awesome and

milkman plays the guitar he'd be you know let him jump in there you know be a motherfucker and kick

him in the ass with a fucking uh guitar you know like you know dude the one of the well i've spoken

to you since then but one of the last i remember like one of the last pranks that you and i did

did together or i did with you was on your anniversary show right how many years ago was

that that was uh it's gonna be two years now oh so it's so it's two years ago so it's not that

long ago no that was a funny prank remember that yeah yeah i know i don't dude that was i did 12

hours man 13 hours i think i called you you got you got some fucking cop from ireland on the phone

like from like from like and and i and i told him that that uh that kim was defective and i wanted

wanted to send it back yeah okay all right cool cool man it actually was funny because i called

the mickey and he got all pissed off he was a cop did he say he was or was that did you know

he was a cop or something yeah yeah no we called the police station it goes this is this yeah it

just it was dublin it was the dublin police station really and i and i said yeah wow dude

i don't remember this at all i gotta go back and listen to this shit yeah go go listen because

Because about a month ago, I remember you have that show posted somewhere.

Yeah.

And I remember taking a listen and going, oh, yeah, I remember that pick.

And I didn't think it was funny, but then I listened to it again.

Yeah.

And it was actually, there was a couple of moments that made me laugh.

You'd be surprised, you know, how many times I've gone back in years.

And it's usually people point it out to me and say, hey, I have no idea what they're talking about.

I go back and listen to it.

And I'm like, shit, that was pretty funny, you know?

Yeah.

You know what, dude?

What happened to me was I felt like I wasn't funny after a while.

I just felt like I was more becoming vicious and vulgar and shocking,

but I don't know if I was really being funny anymore,

and I was kind of losing my motivation to do it.

I don't know.

I've taken two extended breaks, and I think on average maybe a show a month,

maybe in the last year, year and a half.

um yeah so i totally i had same milkman had we were talking today and he said how it got to that

point where it was just vulgar and it's like yeah but you know we used to do some shit you know like

actual put i don't know like we kind of kept the thing going did you hear about that article that

came out with um florentine and uh corolla saying that the prank that prank calls are dead right

now basically it's dead because they're not doing cranky anchors anymore it's like there's a big

community like not just me but there's like a whole bunch of shows going on right now and a

whole bunch of people pranking because i thought that was very cranky anchors crank anchors stole

from us from from you your first show right you're saying the one before we were doing pcr and pcn and

all that or yeah i'm just saying crank anchors some of those pranks those were pranks that that

i was doing you were doing zola kdk we were doing that shit way before fucking crank it

yeah um they did hook up with junkyard willie what's his face uh well that one guy repeat or

whatever his name is they hooked up with him because he had they put two of his calls on

there the customer service ones ups ones that he did he had a couple of those on there for some

reason that was the only one he really reached out to never quite understood that or that they

reached out to um i don't know man i don't know i don't know 14 wasn't even what's up with milk

Are you still living in, like, a submarine somewhere in some, like, NATO fucking optical country retreat somewhere?

Yeah, man, what's going on with you?

Yeah, man, I left the Virgin Islands, dude.

I'm over in the bay now.

You're at the bay?

Yeah.

All right, so you're no longer in the Virgin Islands.

You're not a virgin anymore.

You had enough of that shit.

Pop this cherry.

Oh, I miss it, dude.

I really do.

I'll tell you, it'd be great to go back.

But fortunately, fortunately, they have meats for me over in the Bay Area.

Yeah, dude, but those...

And the bitch Duncan.

Those fucking Virgin Islands, though, fucking, you can't find a job there right now, man.

Let's be honest, this shit is bad down there.

It's hard to find a job, man, really.

There's not a whole lot of jobs out there.

If you have fuck you money, it's great.

You can go down there and start a fucking fishing boat fucking bullshit tour.

Dude, I don't have fuck you money anymore.

I know, but if you did, you know, and you were single, you go down there and live on your own, and fuck it, you know, like, oh, I'm a fucking paradise fucking guy.

Yeah, if you're down with the boats and all that kind of diet, it'll always happen.

Yeah, dude, Dr. Legos has been a little bit of a financial downpour right now.

Downpour's good.

Do you mean downpour like it's coming?

Are you still making them?

Is it raining?

I saw the beautiful guitars you made.

Do you still make them?

Yeah, I still fuck around with guitars, but I'm just saying business hasn't been good the last few years, and I'm, you know, I'm just like, I'm like, what the hell, man?

and I may wind up living in a cardboard box under a bridge somewhere.

We won't let that happen to you, Lego.

Not how, Murphy.

I'm sorry to hear that.

That's a fucking pie.

Hang on, Milkman.

Let me talk to you real quick, my brother.

So did this all start with Sandy?

I know you took a hit on Sandy, right, like your studio?

Yeah, Sandy was the big downfall.

You know, our house was destroyed, and we rebuilt the house,

and the contractors that I had just gouged the fuck out of us,

and really, you know, it wound up being $160,000 more than they told us.

I mean, that's a lot of money, dude.

That's fucked.

Did you get any help?

No, you don't have to tell me your shit.

I don't mean to put you on blast.

But, yeah, I can imagine that was a hit.

I mean, you lost.

Did you lose servers and stuff?

Well, no.

My servers are at the data center,

but you have to understand that my business, both my guitar business

and my internet business was offline for pretty much over a month,

and I lost a lot of clients like that.

Yeah, well, that's understandable.

You're starting out, you're a little guy out there.

You're not the big guys that have redundant sites and all that across the country

and solar-powered cells.

It's just that the clients that we were marketing for

and doing hands-on stuff, they need their shit done.

My office was destroyed, so we didn't have electric for over a month there.

It was what it was.

But you forgot.

I've seen your pictures.

I do.

I've got to tell you something.

At one point, you've got to remember, when I started in the Internet business, that was 1995.

So I was a pioneering guy.

I mean, like, you know, like, I had, like, every ringtone company.

You were one of the first few to sell IBM compatibles, right?

Or something like that.

Did you jump in really early in on that?

Well, that's another story.

So that goes back to the day.

I met up with this guy, and we were one of the first people importing IBM PC clones.

And I guess it was around 1986.

I was nothing but a kid.

And we took an ad in the New York Times.

At the time, IBM PC XP's were like $4,000 or more, $4,400.

And we took an ad in the – this is a true story.

We took an ad in the New York Times, and we said, IBM PC clones, you ready for this?

You're going to love this.

I think I once told you this.

Yes.

So we took an ad, $2,000.

They cost us like $1,000 to make them.

On a Saturday afternoon, though, on my dad's block in Lido Beach, we had a line of cars around the block.

Wow.

That's how much I sold, and that's where I made my initial money.

Cops show up at all, check it out, see if there's some flip-flops going on?

No, cops.

In fact, I sold to the cops.

Those were different times, dude.

I sold weed and computers to the cops back then.

Marijuana?

Wow.

Did you know any dirty cops?

You know any dirty cops?

What?

Did you know any dirty cops?

Every cop is dirty, man.

Well, where you are in New York and stuff.

I mean, you know any dirty New York cops in the 80s?

Did they curb stomp anyone?

Oh, man.

If you were friends with the cops, you were good.

it if you want have a nice day and basically the color of the skin kind of helps out there too

yes you know what i mean you still living in the uh you still living in the uh bayou

no no i moved to pennsylvania i'm in uh pennsylvania you're in pennsylvania

yeah still happily married thank you for bringing that up yeah

any any chitin uh working on that that's uh work in progress if you know what i mean okay

Okay, okay, okay.

For a little scientific miracle.

And you still got the iguana?

We got two cats.

The iguana did not make it, but we're very happy things have improved for us.

You know, dude, I'm surprised that your wife stayed with you, man.

I know, me too, right?

Because, dude, I ballooned up.

Like, I gained, like, 80, 90 pounds, and I lost 60 of them.

Look, I don't even care about that.

I'm just saying that, you know, like, all the prank calls and all the craziness, you know, I'm very proud of you.

Oh, dude, but you don't even know the doc.

Did you know about the doxing in the Crack War and the Crack War 2 and all that stuff?

I mean, I don't know how tuned in you were.

It got silly.

It's just silly.

It's silly.

Yeah, I don't know.

Dude, I got to tell you, once that guy Dino came into the scene, that also turned me.

That guy was such a fucking piece of shit.

If I ever see him, I'm going to fucking crack him in the mouth.

He didn't watch you on Cinecure Radio.

Well, dude, but then Rev didn't back you up, and I thought that was fucked up

because Rev was nothing until you put him on PCR.

I mean, he had been around, but he had been quiet for a long time.

He had gone underground, and he got a lot of exposure.

He's back now, you know, that kid Rev.

He's back.

I heard he's doing prank calls again.

Oh, is he really, Rev?

Yeah, the big guy.

I like Rev.

I still like Rev.

The only guy I didn't like was, you know, he's a piece of shit.

Other than that, everybody was cool.

KDK, you like?

I mean, he's a character.

KDK, you know, it's like a love-hate thing.

More of a hate thing.

He's the Kanye West of prank calls that I've called him.

Nice guy, though.

He turned out to be a good kid.

Oh, KDK?

Eh, I don't know, dude.

What if I happened to...

What was that guy's name?

Pinch?

There was a guy who had a weird fucking name.

Dad?

And he thought he was something for a while.

I don't know.

He had some kind of, like, rotating prank call thing on him.

Pinch, Pinch.

Oh, I'll think of his name before we go.

And then there was the...

We had a bunch of cool people

Pranking back in the day

Yeah, Reclude back in the day

Used to come around

Yeah, Reclude

We can't find him

What was the guy from London?

What was his name again?

Jim Stewart

Yeah, where's he?

He's good

He's on Calls of Mass Confusion

We have a YouTube prank call show

That we've been doing

I don't know if you checked that out

We've been getting a lot of good feedback

Off of that

Look up Calls of Mass Confusion

On YouTube, dude

And check them out

I think we've got about

about eight episodes left in the season uh that we're releasing uh every thursday a new one comes

out we released a whole we recorded a whole season jim stewart yeah i'm gonna go look at

calls of masquerade now what about um so kdk he's not pranking anymore either right as far as i know

he is not the chat room can correct that for me but i don't believe he does any shows anymore no

let me i don't know who else of the old people you might know dino i mean that all syndicate radio

Yeah, I heard somewhere in the wind

that Dino was trying to put it back together

or he wants to put it back together again.

It doesn't ever seem to take off.

I always say I'll make an appearance, yeah.

But it never seems to take off, man.

I don't understand.

Well, he sucks.

He was never talented.

He used everybody else.

He used everybody to make his thing happen.

And I don't know why anybody ever went with him.

But, you know, whatever.

I know, man.

I don't know, I didn't have that impression from him

But it was a long time ago

But you had a totally different

You had a totally different thing

Because I remember you were like

You really wanted to get on

I'm sorry dude, I love you like a brother

That's why I can talk like this

You really wanted to get on, I remember once

He was like, what the fuck you doing here

I'm like, damn, that's kind of fucking rude

Just to go off on Lego like that

I don't know

Dude, did you ever hear when I used to take over that?

It was so easy to take over his network.

You know what I would do?

You'd ask someone from the past.

Here's a funny history.

So if you remember, he used to have a channel on Stick Cam.

Yeah.

Okay?

Yeah, yeah.

So whenever he would have a host on Stick Cam, his name on Stick Cam was like Dino Syndicate.

Yeah.

So I got myself a name called like Dino Syndicate, but I put two Ys instead of one Y.

You know, I did something stupid like that.

So I'd go up while the host was on.

I'd go, you know, private chat him and go, hey, it's Dino.

What password do you have?

Because we're thinking of changing it.

And the guy would send me the password.

I'd break into the channel, change the password, take it over,

and fucking drive them crazy for an hour.

Yeah, you used to go to Prank Call.

What was your site?

What was it again in space?

PrankCallRadio.com and also Prank the World.

Prank the World.

old yeah you become a senior crack the world.com get off real quick like and just interrupt it and

say that yeah yeah yeah but then like yeah anything i could do to torment him because

he's really a piece of shit and i still feel that way and i i you know if he wants to meet

me anywhere if he's listening it's not a problem there's no need for fisticuffs okay and he's

dominican like those guys fight dirty all right i'm just saying dude let me tell you something

You know what I've been doing for the past four years?

Brazilian jiu-jitsu.

Kind of, sort of.

Okay.

I've dropped.

I'm down to, I'm 6'2".

I used to be, like, 250 pounds.

Yeah.

I'm down to, like, 208.

Wow.

And I'm chiseled, and I'm ripped, and I've been studying martial arts.

And, dude, I could tune a motherfucker up.

How much you bench?

How much you benching?

You know, dude, I'm not really.

You don't bench?

I don't look at it.

Yeah, you know what?

I don't even, I'm not one of those, like, you know, whatever.

But the last time was, like, I don't know, 2.20.

Oh, nice.

I'm about 2.10, 2.20.

Yeah, depends on what kind of day it is.

I'm not looking to.

When I protein up before I go, yeah, I fucking bang them out.

Like, bam, you know.

Get a lot of protein, seems to do it.

Get jazzed up on protein and caffeine, man.

I'm banged on shit.

Yeah, well, you know.

Dude, I go back to the days of M&M's and Jolt's soda.

Jolt's soda.

Jolt soda, I can't even talk anymore.

Yeah, jolt soda.

Are you kidding me?

I brewed coffee with it once when I was going to college.

That's how fucking stupid I am.

It tasted like shit.

It tasted like shit, but it woke me the fuck up.

Dude, it woke me up.

Dude, you brew some coffee with some fucking jolt cola and pinch your nose and chug that motherfucker and you will wake up.

I took the biggest fucking black longest shit ever when I was done with that test, I tell you what.

it was no good that shit was no good hey man you know what you know what i want to i want to make

make a mention because you know we're talking about prank calls and history and shows and i

just really want to make a mention to somebody uh you know watch fox man that's a guy i really

he was a good guy yeah he was a good guy he was a good guy he was a good guy yeah he did good

yeah yeah no i'm just saying like you know we at first we hit heads a little bit and then we

We became really good friends, and I'm going to tell you, man, he was a good guy, and he was talented.

He was a real talented guy.

He was a real voiceover guy.

So, you know, besides being funny, he had that voice and blah, blah, blah.

You know, it's a shame that he got kicked off.

And a heart attack.

Don't forget.

Heart attack.

And a heart attack.

Yeah.

Yeah, man.

That shit will take you out like a fucking, you know, a blink of an eye, man.

That fucking heart attack.

Yeah, I mean, you're doing good, but you got to be careful.

Well, you're not, like, juicing up when you're working out or shit, right?

You're not taking any crazy stuff?

No, no, I'm all natural, dude.

I became a vegan.

Well, not total vegan, but, you know, like, I won't eat red meat.

I won't eat, you know, I only eat eggs.

Eggs, egg whites.

I do, I like to do, like, three egg whites and one whole egg in the morning.

I do three egg whites and a slice of guacamole.

That's good.

And I also, I eat that with some rye toast.

I make two small slices of raitos.

I burn the shit out of them so they get a high glycemic index.

I mean, they're almost like black.

Yeah.

What's your whole life?

Kim, Kim, you know what I'm talking about?

How do you do?

You're muffled.

Say what?

No, no, I just, I'm Kim Mork in the world.

Oh, hey, Kim, how you doing?

Hello.

Never in a while.

Hey.

Hey, Kim, how you doing?

Hi, Dawn.

Hi.

Hey, Kim, I don't think I ever really talked to you, but I know you, Kim, you know, back

in the day.

No, I think maybe a long time ago.

Yeah, your husband talks about your tits a lot.

Yeah, yeah, that's me.

Can you please go back in, please?

I know, can you please turn it off?

I'm sorry.

Melanie, I'm sorry for being interrupted here.

He talks about your tits a lot.

I mean, you guys are, well, I don't need to put you on blast.

You're open, you know, you're cool, you're cool.

Hold on.

All right, all right.

Remember when everybody used to see him naked on the internet?

Yeah, yeah, it was great.

It was a good time.

She won't do that anymore.

No?

She won't, really?

She still takes such good pictures.

Yeah, she feels like sophisticated now or something.

Yeah.

I jerked off to a picture of her mopping the floor once in your server room.

Yeah, that might have, well, something like that.

And she was, you know, she's all sophisticated now,

but she forgets I met her in a titty box or whatever.

Okay, okay.

Yeah, you wrote a song about my wife, man,

Sucking Cocks in Amsterdam.

Yeah, the Dina song.

I was thinking about that earlier.

Oh, I did?

Yeah.

Can I hear it?

Do you have it anywhere?

It's on a show somewhere.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'd have to.

Yeah, if you're ever in Palatina.

Why are you sucking cocks in Amsterdam?

Did you like it?

Was it funny?

Oh, yeah, it was funny.

I was really drunk, and I was yelling and crying in the background while you were playing it.

Yeah, it was really, really well made.

I liked it.

Lego, we've got to do a prank.

So I'm thinking I'm lighting off fireworks tonight.

Hey, wait a minute.

Real quick, Lego.

What happened to Zuto?

Oh, Zuto, man.

And he, okay, come here, Murray.

Come here, Murray.

Okay.

My dog is, I have a dog, his name is Murray.

You named him Murray.

You know why I named him Murray?

Do you remember one of the original pranks?

Do you remember the original pranks with A.T.D. Gimps that I did, right?

I know in your entry you got Murray, fucking Murray, and the guy was like, sir.

Yeah, yeah, so Murray in 3C, so we named him Murray.

Yeah, it used to be.

All right, yeah, so, okay, you're blowing off fireworks, go ahead.

I'm blowing off fireworks, and there was something we were talking about

out that i thought would be a good idea we were just shooting the shit about some kind of subject

and i said we should call and just talk about this shit i gotta get call up a hospital get a

hospital on the phone uh all right well i mean you gotta be nice to the hospital because it's

fuck that ain't nice to a hospital get a hospital on the phone be nice don't you sure hospital you

want urgent care or a hospital yeah urgent care hospital is good oh lord help us all right don't

do nothing crazy like oh for god's sake be silly funny hot dude that's all i do all right crazy

oh my god see i don't know if medical centers and that's a medical center oh it has a big h

there we go that should do it okay okay at a particular department you want front desk or

emergency emergency jesus christ here goes nothing all right nobody listen to where we're calling

Everyone, honor system, everybody.

Good afternoon.

This is the emergency desk.

No, but I can transfer you.

Let me ask you, this is Glenn.

My name is Glenn Carleo.

I, you know, we were all out in the street with the fireworks,

and one hit me in the foot.

It blew my little toe off, and I don't know what to do.

We'll connect you to an emergency room.

Hold on.

Do you know how to stop the bleeding?

I'm not a doctor, so I'm sorry.

Should I...

Somebody said I should put it in the fireplace.

Should I do that?

I don't think so.

Hold on.

Let me get you to...

They said it would quarter zone it.

Arterizing.

Are you crazy?

I know.

Shut up.

Oh, my name is...

Yeah, my name is Sal.

My last name is Ladd, L-A-D-D.

And I was out in the street with my friends,

and they were, you know,

had the fireworks all going and everything.

And one, I think they call it an atom bomb,

it hit me in the foot, in the foot,

and it blew my little toe off.

I have it in a fishbowl right now, but what about the bleeding? What do I do to stop that?

If you need to come to the emergency room, you can come to the emergency room.

I'm going to come, but first of all, I want to stop the bleeding.

Second of all, I don't want to get it all over the car and stuff.

Somebody told me I should put my toe in the fire.

I don't know about that, sir. We don't give advice over the telephone.

Can I put my mom on the phone?

You can tell her.

Hold on a second.

Yeah, because we gave advice over the telephone.

All right, tell my mom what to do because it's really becoming disgustingly a mess.

Hold on, please.

Hold on.

By the way, my mom is a guy because both my parents are men.

Hold on.

Okay, hold on, please.

Let me go get the...

Go ahead.

Call Lito.

Tell her.

Hello?

You're going to get us in trouble when I go?

Just saying.

I'm being a bad boy cat.

put us on hold yes dude my toe is bleeding all over the place she puts me on hold can you imagine

no wonder people are dying of heart attacks toes important you need it you need to drive because

you have no the song

hello hello hello apartment home ideally located on the edge of white

i don't think apartments are going to answer today how do i get people's attention that i

want to have a fireworks show dr lego there was something else what were we talking about

out we're talking about spencers right uh shit i don't have a firework show before that before

that no i wasn't gonna call and shoot the shit about what are you talking about you were talking

about guitars computer machines oh man dude i can't believe that bitch at the hospital let me

hang and then my toe you want me to call back yeah call back call back not get me in trouble

that sounded like an apartment oh that's the apartment hang on hang on that's what that's

one okay no it's this one it's this one i feel like somebody's resting apart yeah no no no is

this is this the emergency room no let me connect you oh yeah you know what no no wait wait how can

i help you he's bleed his leg his uh his toe it's it's it's not it's not it's not bleeding

we don't give oh we don't i know but listen over the telephone sir he's such a come to the

emergency he's such a vagina he urinated on himself and he thinks his blood he's stupid

and he's drunk and he's stupid hey do you have can you give him medicine so that he's not stupid

this kind of call uh if you need to come to the emergency room sir you can come you're welcome

to come to the emergency room why don't you take one of those pills for being stupid you're not

gonna help me lego let's see what's for sale lego let's see what's for sale okay get a walmart on

the phone a walmart yes sir walmart milkman's favorite place to buy groceries and meat is

walmart walmart.com be sure to put in offer code madhouse 17 for 17 where's that one old

where was the place we call that the old tool guy electronics are not included what's that

milkman i was giving our promo all right what were you saying who was the guy what was the

place we called that the old guy the old tool guy we'd get on there oh yeah you want to see

if he's there okay that's uh what was his name charlie harry harry charlie something like that

dude he would go out and he would fetch it was hilarious he would come back to the phone

the fuck is that guy's name though harry so the chat room's got to be able to tell me quickly

what's the name of the guy quickly the old tool guy he's in tool world yeah harry

damn this lows is right next door to home depot that's fucked up that's some direct competition

And you know they make bank when the hurricanes come?

Hurricanes, yeah, dude, Lowe's and the Home Depot love it when the hurricane comes.

They're like, yeah, I hope it.

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

For directions to the store, press 1.

For store hours, press 2.

To reach a department directly, press 5.

Or to speak with the operator, press 0.

Transferring, please hold.

Oh, my God, these people.

Can they hear me?

Yeah, please.

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

Well, I'm taking my business to Home Depot.

I'm taking my business to Home Depot.

You're on, Mark, man.

Yeah, Wally Wally.

Call Wally Wally.

I got an idea.

If you know the three-digit extension of the person you are trying to reach, press 2.

To speak to an associate in one of our store departments, press 3.

If you're calling it for kitchen and bathroom design, press 1.

For lumber and building materials...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Chinese food.

I want to do something really nice and funny, but these fucking people are stupid.

Your call is very important to us, but all associates are busy at this time assisting other callers.

Please remain on the line and your call will be answered by the next event.

That's okay, I'm getting it.

The Lego, you'd be amazed at the technology I got.

Thank you for calling the Home Depot.

We're about to call a Beijing restaurant.

Please remain on the line and your call will be answered by the next event.

From Beijing?

Yeah, Beijing.

You have like a place of order?

I'd like to place an order to pick up.

I need some acupuncture and a chicken broccoli with your wife's balls.

All right, so can I come over there, and can you, like, have your wife jerk me off then?

Mr. Miyagi.

He's gone. He's gone, sir.

He left.

Hello?

If there's any place for you to get me on the phone, there is no take-out.

We're helping other callers.

Still waiting over there.

Stand by, Dr. Leggo.

We're calling the Royal now.

Now, the Royal, prepare yourself for the Royal, Dr. Leggo.

Hi, thanks for calling Honolulu Home Depot.

How may I direct the call?

Hey, Long Depot.

Hi, what department are you trying to get a hold of?

I was waiting a long time.

I'm in the bathroom right now.

I'm in your bathroom.

Okay.

Okay, and I'm going to be sending off some fireworks in here.

So, if, I mean, how do I disable the smoke alarm that's here?

Wait, okay, I can barely hear you.

Repeat that question one more time.

I'm in the toilet.

I'm in the bathroom, the public bathroom.

Really good technology there, Carlito.

Yeah, thank you.

And I'm about to, we're going to take some fireworks.

We're going to light off some fireworks in here.

You're trying to light some fireworks?

Yeah.

I just want to let you know, don't be alarmed, okay?

But how do we disable the smoke detector?

I'm sorry, you won't be able to do that, sir.

Well, we can't disable the smoke detector?

We can't light the fireworks?

You can't light the fireworks.

I'm going to light it anyway.

Here we go.

Yo, Lego, why didn't...

Okay, setting them off.

All due years, everybody.

This is stupid.

This worked out so perfect one year, man.

We were having so much fun, and the hotels were scared.

And it doesn't even sound real.

That was dead and gay.

All right, listen to me.

KDK would have liked that call.

Yeah, he would have.

He would have been like, look, the dude dropped in.

My friends did a dude drop in.

Honolulu Charlie, he's a good friend of yours.

You'll know who I'm talking about in just a moment, Dr. Lego.

Wait until you hear this guy.

You're going to love this guy.

Let me talk.

This guy always got the soda, had the soda.

This guy says Chinga Le Tu Ma Le We.

Chinga Tu Ma Le We.

This guy.

Do you want me to help you?

Yes, hi.

I'd like to make an order.

Okay, to go, yes?

Yes.

Yeah, okay, go ahead.

One large egg drop soup.

Kong egg drop soup, okay.

Okay.

One order fried wonton.

We don't have a fried wonton.

Oh!

Wonton spicy sauce, so like we only soft wonton.

Okay, fine.

Fine. And do you have, can I have, I'd like a pint of the special brown fried rice.

Half fried rice with brown fried rice.

No, no, it's when you put about halfway white rice inside the container, right?

We don't have to do this kind.

Well, listen, but here's all you have to do. You put halfway white rice and then...

No, we don't have to do half fried rice.

And then Charlie Psy puts his asshole on top of the container and he takes a shit.

I don't know who do this one, yeah.

Yeah?

Charlie does.

Where's Charlie?

Charlie is not here now.

He's a motherfucker.

I don't know.

Yeah, he is.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Miss, forget, forget, can you do a chicken broccoli?

She always puts the phone on top of the Chinese radio.

La.

Oh, I know this song.

Hello, is she still there or no?

Oh, dude, it's Brian Adams.

Can you play that song?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Can you play everything I do?

Nice.

Oh, no.

No, that's KDK.

Oh, man.

That's a good song.

Come on, man.

Hey.

All right, Golden Eagle.

This will be the one.

Lego, this is yours right here, man.

I'm feeling it.

You're going to do so good now, Lego.

So good.

You're going to do so beautiful.

Hello.

This is the one.

Is this Chinese wood?

Yeah, I'd like to place an order.

Yeah, go ahead.

Okay, can I get...

This is to go, all right?

I'm going to pick it up.

Yes.

Okay.

Do you have chicken broccoli?

Yes.

One order of chicken broccoli.

I'd also like one order with chicken.

Okay.

So you have those two orders?

Yeah.

So one chicken broccoli and then one broccoli with chicken.

All right.

And that comes with white rice?

Yeah.

Okay.

You're getting me?

You speak it in English?

I'm giving you the order.

I just gave you the order.

You got white rice with that, right?

Give me agi.

Are you with me?

Your wife was on with me last night jerking me off.

It was the same number.

I know your wife is there jerking and blowing people all night for $10.

$10 a blowjob, your wife.

He hung up.

He hung up, sir.

We had to hang up.

I'll take it to him.

If you want to do it for $5, I'm in.

I'm calling a different one.

Don't worry, Clego.

You don't worry.

He sucked anyway.

Hey, how are you?

Yeah, good.

You want to take out one of them?

Yeah, take out one, okay?

Okay, go ahead.

Okay, I would like a chicken broccoli with an assorted soup, cunt soup with that.

Chicken broccoli soup?

Yeah, you have that?

No, we don't.

What kind of chicken you got?

We have a gombal dish. We have a chicken vegetable soup.

Oh, yeah, that's good. I'll have that. Give me that.

Chicken vegetable soup.

Yeah. No, no, I want chicken cunt soup.

Chicken cunt soup.

Yeah.

Okay.

And you could rub your cunt right on it, and that'll probably, you know, make it extra tangy.

Pardon me? What did you say?

Okay.

Just don't get it.

You know, I know you Koreans are pretty hairy down here, so just try not to get too...

We're Chinese for sure, yeah?

Right, right.

You know what I meant.

Chinese.

I know you Chinese people.

You got big bushes, and I don't want it in my suit.

All right.

Same thing.

Same thing, right, Lego?

They all look the same.

She's on to you.

And their pussies, their vaginas.

Whatever.

They all...

She speaks better English if she's not not.

The vagina's all go horizontal.

I heard about it.

I heard, and I saw it.

I got a number for you.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, you went to Walmart.

Put it on the big board, Milkman, please.

Hello, it's a Manoir.

Yeah, hi, I wanted to make an order, please.

Yes, go ahead.

Yeah, I want some kimchi.

No, wait, no.

I want some Korean food.

She knows.

who's he's like what a fucker asking for kimchi funny clack clack all right do you want the

walmart sir or do you want some do you have a number you said that pot's been pissed well then

oh man all right we're looking for a walmart standby i'm gonna get you a walmart in the west

coast here lego wake up look look look uh look alive i think this is what whoa oh oh all right

We also got a guy looking for hay, or he wants to sell some hay.

Okay, put him on.

Well, no, no, Walmart.

You want a Walmart.

I don't want to be that guy.

Be that guy that doesn't put on Walmart.

Thank you for calling your local Walmart.

We appreciate your business and look forward to the opportunity to serve you in our store.

Electronics usually has a higher wait time, but it'll roll over.

Walmart Electronics, how can I help you?

Hey, hey, how are you?

Do you guys carry, I don't know if you've seen this product.

It's called the Dr. Lego doll.

You put batteries in it, and you can talk to it and stuff.

It makes phone calls and things.

It's kind of like that Dr. Lego doll.

It's kind of like the Amazon thing.

No.

Let me see.

Give me a second.

Another question.

Before you go into that, do you guys carry, this is a little embarrassing,

but my wife's been having trouble lately,

and I was wondering if you carry any of those vibrating things for the women?

No, we don't.

Okay.

I'm, you know, I didn't mean to, like, you know, get all perky.

No, no, no, you're fine.

All right, thank you.

Yeah, you're fine.

All right, well, that's what most women think that.

Yeah, we don't carry that one.

The Dr. Leggo belt.

Okay.

All right, well, you sound pretty hot.

What about, okay, so no Dr. Leggo, no vibrators.

So what do you suggest?

Maybe, like, what about a blender and she just sits on the blender on high speed?

No.

She hung up.

She heard the sound effect and you say blender.

Hold on a minute.

I'm going to do a funny call show.

What the fuck are you doing?

What do you need?

Who needs Pepsi?

What the hell did she eat?

Dick.

That was almost kind of funny.

All right, guys.

I got to go because I got to be up early.

Okay, all right.

Go be a dad.

I love you guys, man.

Yeah, it's good hearing your voices.

We'll talk about you playing house band.

Well, yeah, you can play some stuff.

Dude, if you really want to do something, you let me know.

It'd be good to see you guys.

Awesome.

All right, we'll talk soon, man.

Dr. Lego, peace out, man.

All right, peace out, guys.

Thanks for having me.

Yeah, bye.

Peace out.

Anytime.

All right, cool, Lego.

That was Lego.

Man, talk to Lego.

Oh, what a time warp, dude.

I don't know what I'm saying.

The music is frozen.

Fucking funny shit.

The music has stopped.

I'm going for this bullshit.

Here and back again.

Yep.

We sure did.

All right.

I was thinking we could call some old favorite ideas here.

Since we're calling a Chinese restaurant.

She didn't like that Korean thing, dude.

I mean, maybe that's for kimchi, dude.

I don't understand.

That was like the deal breaker.

She's like, fuck you.

What you got against kimchi, dude?

It wasn't that bad.

I had some here earlier.

I think the fireworks need to be blasted from the beginning.

All right, that place is busy.

Here is me some dim sum.

Me some dim sum.

It's just kind of making me hungry.

I don't think I'm going to have to eat something.

I don't think I'm going to have to make me a microwave pizza.

Yeah, get you one of those Jack Special.

Masters and Mashers.

Yeah.

Like, I'm calling, you know, having me call hospitals.

I mean, my goodness.

I can't believe that.

You should know that.

Lego doesn't give a shit.

He never changes.

He's still going.

He's like, fuck, go for the gun.

Dude, but you remember, like, you remember when fucking Zolar would fucking call?

I know, man.

That was just absolutely awesome.

Yeah, hi, Chinese.

Hi, Chinese.

Yeah, Chinese, yeah.

How long after I eat the rice?

Rice? How long does it take after I eat? How long does it take?

How long does it take? 15 minutes.

For me to take a shit in the toilet, it takes about 15 minutes? To go to the bathroom?

To go to the bathroom, to eat.

How long? Sometimes how long?

How long what?

I don't know. I mean, how long do you think? It's been a long time, you know?

It's been a long time. You ordered 15 minutes or 20 minutes.

No, but yesterday I ordered.

I ordered food early.

I ate lots of good food.

And I still want to know how long until I have to go to the toilet, you know, to push out.

I don't know.

You don't know how long it takes to make a shit in the toilet?

I don't know.

You're going to the toilet.

I'm going.

Yay, I'm going.

It's working.

It's coming out

The shit is coming out into the toilet

Okay

It's so good

Milkman is eating it

Good

I think she's into it

I think she's into some shit

Chocolate soup

Oh my god

She was great

What a nice lady

I want to hear that again

Can you do the instant replay

She was funny

I mean, oh, whoa, whoa.

Oh, you wouldn't be able to hear it.

Everyone else can.

He was fine.

I mean, oh, whoa, whoa.

Too late.

No, no, can't.

I can't.

I can't, Milkman.

I can't.

You hear it and go on.

Damn.

It sounds pretty good, though, man.

It's pretty good to hear him back.

Yeah?

You like Lego?

You like doing some Lego?

Yeah, it's cool that he said he'd help us out, you know?

That's kind of cool.

Yeah, man.

I thought that was pretty cool.

Very nice of him.

Milkman, so I was saying, I was telling you,

I can't do the show unless you're there, you know.

So, we're going to have to figure out a way to help you get up.

So, because it looks like it's either going to be, like I was saying, New York or New Jersey.

Jayad's on board.

I'm going to start doing the rounds because I know I got a lot of people interested.

They said they would show up, like Matt would go and stuff.

I just got to make 100% sure that they're going to be available, you know.

And that's all going to go into part of, you know, the planning of it.

Yeah.

Of when it's going to be.

but you know i think we we're just gonna do one night so you know we can get enough to get you

there for a day you know or something all right let's see let's see we're gonna let me see i know

you you koreans lego okay all right we'll be a dad here we go milkman

found it all right milkman you ready oh you can't hear it shit oh i can do that thing i can do that

thing right hang on let me get yeah let me do that thing just yeah just you can't say anything

all right let's see here i go here and i go here and i got to remember to put it back okay here we

go how long how long does it take after i i eat how long does it take how long about 15 minutes

for me to take a shit in the toilet it takes about 15 minutes to go to the bathroom you go to

How long, sometimes how long?

How long what?

I don't know, I mean, how long do you think?

It's been a long time, you know, and I think maybe...

It's been a long time, you ordered 15 minutes on the 20 minutes.

No, but yesterday I ordered, I ordered food early, I ate lots, like good food,

and I still, I want to know how long until I have to go to the toilet, you know, to push out, you know, to push out.

I don't know, just go to the toilet, I don't know.

You don't know how long it takes to make a shit in the toilet.

I don't know.

I'm going.

Yay, I'm going.

It's working.

It's coming out.

The shit is coming out into the toilet.

Okay.

It's so good.

Milkman is eating it.

Yay, Milkman, you're eating it.

Wow.

All right, let me get you off that so you don't hear yourself.

There you go.

You should be better now.

Oh, that was funny.

That was retarded.

You're a good sport.

That was a good setup.

Good, good.

Yep.

Kept her on for the whole thing.

Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

We got Milkman.

We got some music that you made here that we're going to be playing here in a little bit, too.

Kind of excited about that.

Milkman working on some tunes and shit.

Good stuff.

Everyone be sure to stay tuned for some Milkman music.

milkman music i want to thank all 111 people listening on mixler 111 on mixler what's up

everybody thank you for listening much appreciated i'm feeling good uh i'm starting to get my juices

going you know i think the uh alcohol is starting to hit and i might be able to do a show for a

while because fuck it i don't know how to work tomorrow everybody yeah yeah man look man i'm

here i'm i'm drinking uh some suntory whiskey you're you're half japanese right so i'm gonna

say do you know what suntory is you know the brand suntory right milkman hello milkman milkman

milkman what are you doing milkman

oh shit oh shit don't go anywhere hang on hang on don't go anywhere don't go anywhere don't go

anywhere mike and oh i picked the wrong oh here we go i picked the wrong input there you are i

I've been talking to this whole time, Milkman.

Jesus Christ.

I've been talking to this whole time.

It's my fault.

I picked the wrong input.

Milkman, I'm drinking that Suntory whiskey.

You like that Suntory whiskey?

No, I never had that, but it is good.

You're Japanese.

You know of it, right?

It's a Japanese brand of whiskey.

How do you not know?

Oh.

You fucking...

I don't drink, dude.

Milkman, what are those eyeglasses you got?

Tell me, because I want to look them up, because they look really sharp on you, man.

What are those eyeglasses you got?

What brand is that?

The Japanese brand?

409s.

409s?

What?

409s.

409s?

Like 9999?

Yeah.

That's what it's called?

9999?

409s?

Yeah, 409s.

That's the name of it.

And it's like on a gold bar in the 99.9.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

So very pure.

Are they really simple?

I imagine Japanese eyeglasses are simple.

Are they kind of like, you know what I mean?

Like where they don't have...

i imagine it'd be nice and simple and graceful you know i mean i have like i've i've had millions

of pairs you know i've never had anything that like fit my head so comfortably man it's like

wow it's like it just fits my head perfectly i don't even know they're all i can like move my

head bob up and down like everything man i could be like getting crazy if man it's not flying off

my head even at the least good super light right do they flex do they flex and stuff flex and bend

and all that yeah they're titanium right they got these like if you look on the side they got these

like little grooves there and those are actually a spring it actually uses the titanium itself as

a spring dude it's crazy design for them so that like however it goes on your head and no matter

how you how your head is shaped it it takes a new shape to fit it on there and recenter it back on

your head like this unbelievable and it's like your brain so the more you bend it and the more

More, like, tension, you know, put on it, you know, to reshape it.

To, like, hit your head.

It's just the coolest thing I've ever seen.

Yeah, I'll tell you what, dude.

I was at the mall.

I don't go to the mall a lot.

And, you know, America's malls are dying.

I heard a report somewhere around 25% of U.S. malls are expected to be closed by the end of 2017.

When the fuck is that bullshit?

Then when are we supposed to shop?

I don't do online shopping.

Shit, that's bullshit.

Nope, and you're going to have to?

or are you going to have to go to, you know, there will be malls,

but they're going to be few and far in between.

They'll find me around here, dude.

That's crazy.

You're going to have to buy yourself online, dude.

I mean, it's just the way it is, man.

It's just, you're going to have to.

Bullshit.

No, man, you're always like, I don't want a phone that doesn't have a keyboard.

Man, every time I've gotten something off the online, it's never been right, dude.

It's like 99% of the time it's something wrong, and it's a compromise situation.

Situation you gotta hear like take the time to send it back and fuck around and wait for them that you know

Credit it and then you get that, you know, it's like fuck, you know

Why can you just get it right in the first place walk right over here and buy it?

Try it on

Every time I get something wrong, you know, I do I just don't even fucking do anything. I just leave it

It's like fuck it such a hassle. So you gotta like, you know get RMA send this shit back and you know

I don't have time for bullshit.

I go to the store and I look at it

and make sure it's the right thing.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, it's true.

I don't like the idea of buying clothes online.

I've had very...

You have electronic stuff, too, dude.

You have electronic stuff, man.

You don't know what you're actually buying.

No, no.

I'll tell you what, dude.

I just bought a TV last week.

A new TV.

I went to the store website.

website i did my research i found the one i wanted all the options i wanted i purchased it

at my computer desk machine here and then it gave me an email and it said an hour later said your

items ready to pick up i got my car i went there to the front desk and i showed up my phone and

they say stay beep scanned it and they said all right we'll bring your tv out pull ahead and park

and fall in front and i did and they put the tv in my car and i left then i have to go you want

You went to a store, dude.

You went to a store to do that.

That's cool, man.

Because I don't like the idea of getting a TV ship.

Because I don't want to wait.

I want it now.

I want it now, now, now.

You know, I don't want to wait.

That's cool, dude.

You can order online, man.

You know, and get the discount, too.

Because usually, if you order online, they have extra deals on there.

And you can still go pick it up at the store anyway.

So, just by taking a few minutes to go online, dude, you pick up deals.

I do that when I go to Fry's and shit.

Yeah.

Like, Apple check, like, Fry's is a good place.

Like, they only have one deal at the counter, right?

But if you go online, you can get the same fucking thing, like, even some 8% off or whatever.

For sure.

You know, they might get a price match during shit, you know?

Right.

Yeah.

So if it's online, dude, they'll give it to you, man.

So, like, hell yeah, dude.

That's cool.

At least you got a place to go look at the thing.

Yeah, Milkman, I got a crisis here.

I can't find my vape pen.

I don't know what I've done with it.

I started with a vape pen in my hand, and now it's my vape pen.

What kind of pen are you using now, dude?

I forget the name of it.

It's a nice pen.

It's nice.

It's a ceramic.

It's a ceramic one.

Yeah, not that tight.

I got a quartz one.

I got a dual quartz one now.

I don't like that quartz.

It's bad for you.

It's bad, very bad for you.

You shouldn't do quartz, man.

Don't do quartz.

Why do you think that?

Sloth said that.

You shouldn't do quartz.

It's bad.

You shouldn't do quartz.

Uh, I don't know why somebody would say that, dude.

It's pure.

Well, he, oh, man, you know what just happened, too?

One of the bungees on my mic holder, my mic boom arm just snapped.

Oh, this is horrible.

Now you've got to take one out of your braces there, dude.

I don't want to do a show anymore.

I'm going to go.

I can't find it.

Take one out of your braces and then put that marker in your jaw and then let's do a call that way.

It's a grace rubber holding the mic around and then you with the pen in your mouth.

I can't find my anxiety medication, I can't, I broke my fucking microphone, and I'm hungry.

This is not fair.

Do you have a, do you, alright, do you have, okay, do you have a doobie or a ball handy?

No, I don't, I don't, I don't, it's been a long time since I've touched that stuff like that.

I don't like to, ew, no, no, no, no.

What about your cigar? Do you like a big ol' fat nasty cigar?

I can't smoke, no, I haven't been able, I haven't been allowed to smoke a cigar inside, inside the, uh...

Oh, oh, you're in a restricted zone.

Yeah, I can't do that.

I can't do that.

How about I play a...

Can I play a prank?

Can I play my prank and stretch my legs?

Yeah, dude.

A little bit.

Yeah, do that, dude.

Yeah, do that.

Because you said you had some whiskey or something.

Suntory or something.

Yeah, I got a refill because I drank all the Suntory.

I finished it.

It was only...

I only had two drinks worth in there.

If I had two drinks, that's all I'm good.

I'm good.

I said, don't get too tore up.

And that way, you know, if you get too tore up, you'll be like...

yeah here's a prank you might like uh it's it's long i'm not going to play the whole thing but

i'll play some for you to hear uh so i'm going to switch you over this one's a mexican guy who

was selling some kind of workout table called a stamina table stamina stamina he said what was

this uh maybe three four or five weeks ago or something okay i wasn't around for this one so

i never heard it you know it's it's pretty funny we get into the argument you know he's like you

You drug pervert motherfucker.

Chinga to why, motherfucker.

Like that.

All right, I'm going to do a dab with this purple shadow.

Rub it in that I can't find my medication.

Take all the medicine you want.

Save yourself, Republican.

Dude, I'm sharing with you, though, dude.

You'll find it.

While you're stretching your leg, go in there and pull it out from behind the counter.

Yeah, yeah, I'll be right back.

All right.

Oh, we got a stamina table.

Looks like it's for doing crunches or something.

Hello?

Hey, you have stamina, too?

You hear that, Milkman?

Milkman?

Yeah, I hear it.

I had it on mute.

It doesn't make no noise.

What?

You have stamina table?

Oh, we got a stamina table.

Looks like it's for doing crunches or something.

Hello?

Hey, you have stamina table?

What?

You have stamina table?

Stamina table?

Oh, the stamina.

Okay, yeah, I still have it.

Yeah, because I need to know is for how many people can use?

Just one person or two?

One at a time.

Okay, all right.

because I wanted to put your puta madre on it, you know, and get on top of her in it.

How about yours?

No, I don't have madre.

How about yours and your sister and your grandma and all your family?

Well, one at a time, one at a time, please.

One at a time, all the fucking bitches will made it.

Yeah, but I get some nalgas from you, you know, a little bit of nalgas.

No, all you fucking bitches are flat, man.

No, but you lay down on it and I'll fuck you from the behind.

If they flap, what are you going to do about it?

There's nothing you can do.

I'm going to break holes in you and fuck the holes inside your body.

What? I mean, there's nothing you can do.

I'm going to bite you and eat you.

Nothing you can do with those fucking bitches.

They're the same like you.

You're just talking silly nonsense now, stupid asshole.

Oh, okay.

All right.

What do you want now?

Well, I want to come see you.

Come see me?

Yeah.

Why?

I'm going to come to...

Where are you going to be, motherfucker, you?

Who the fuck are you, motherfucker?

My name is Valente.

Valente, chingas a tu puta madre, Valente.

Eh, eh, eh.

A tu putisima madre, hijo de tu pinche puta madre, wey.

Así de sepele, wey.

Chingas a tu puta madre.

Is that okay?

No, fuck you.

Is that okay?

You want some more, hijo de puta, you son of a bitch, motherfucker?

Fuck you, motherfucker.

Is that enough?

Maricón.

I mean, you want some more, hijo de tu pinche puta madre?

Isn't that enough?

Man, you never get enough.

You fucking puto motherfucker.

You can't grow a mustache.

You don't know me, bitch.

I'm like a Viking, motherfucker.

Hijo de puta.

Chingas a tu reputa madre.

You and the motherfucker that told you to call me.

Fuck you both

It was smiley

Okay

Yeah

Smiley

I got your phone number

I'm gonna track you down

All the way

Fuck you

You're not gonna do this

You won't do shit

Motherfucker

So I can fuck you

Fuck you motherfucker

I'm gonna track you down

You'll see

I'm gonna fuck you

I know a damn

I know a hacker

He know how to do

Everything

Oh shit

Man

See you soon

Motherfucker

Chinga

Puta madre

Come see me

So I can fuck you

You in that nice round bubble butt of yours.

Go fuck your mother, motherfucker.

Latino bubble butt.

Go fuck yourself and your mother and your sister and all your fucking family.

Motherfucker.

Chingas a tu puta madre, hijo de puta.

Okay.

All right, Joker.

Don't be crazy.

Okay.

Okay, motherfucker.

See you soon, pinche joto maricón, hijo de puta.

What do you wear?

Tell me what you wear.

I wear your mom sometimes.

No, but when you come, are you going to have like a shirt with just one button up top?

Let me see.

I'm going to have a big sign

That says

Chingas a tu puta madre

Go fuck yourself motherfucker

And some other things

You'll recognize me very easy

I can give you a call before I get there

I can text you when I'm outside

There's one problem

What else do you want motherfucker

There's one problem motherfucker

My apartment complex

We have the bumps

Speed bumps when you come in

Oh you live in a fucking pervert apartment

I mean, confidence only for faggots.

Yeah, but your car won't make it.

I don't go to those places.

Because you're pussy.

I don't go to those places.

I'm surrounded by real OGs.

And they're stressing motherfuckers.

You won't do shit, motherfucker.

Are you going to give me the name who told you to call me?

Smiley.

You know Smiley?

Yeah.

You know who that is?

Smiley?

Uh-huh.

No?

Mike.

Mike, Mike, Mike.

Mike?

Yeah.

Or Smiley or Mike?

Mike.

Who's Mike?

Fucking Mike.

He's like a million Mike.

It was several guys.

Perez, Rodriguez was there.

Gonzalez was there.

No, I think you got the wrong number, pendejo.

No, mira, puta madre, Echevarría and the Diaz brothers said to call you.

You got the wrong number, pendejo, I don't even know who you're talking about.

But here's why I'm not scared of you, pussy puto, because you're not going to be able to get your lowrider piece of shit rice burner car over the speed bump.

Several of them on the way to my, you know, I have like moans.

No idea what, hey, fucking pendejo, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Pendejo tu madre.

Let me hear it like those things before.

Hijo de tu pinche reputa madre, maricón, cabrón de mierda.

You and Mike go fuck yourself, motherfucker.

I don't even know who the fuck he is.

Me cago en tu madre, pendejo, maricón, puta, mamagüevo, malparido.

And you got the wrong number, pendejo.

Whatever, chingada.

You're still a fucking pussy.

You don't come and see me.

I got the wrong number.

You're still a pussy, eh?

I don't give a shit.

The wrong number, the wrong sex, the wrong face, the wrong voice.

Meet me at Walmart.

Meet me at Walmart unless you're a pussy.

You're a fucking mistake.

Meet me at Walmart, motherfucker, unless you're a pussy.

Come on, motherfucker.

Okay, give me one more we're talking about.

Which one?

You tell me.

No, you tell me.

You choose, motherfucker, unless you're a pussy.

Hey, you're the one calling me to offend me, pendejo.

I called to buy the sexual table that you own.

No, you call about the table, and when I explain to you it is only for one person,

you say you want to put your fucking mother on the table.

That's what you told me.

No, I said you.

Well, go ahead and put your mother fucker on the table.

Then you can put your fucking sister.

That's when the whole thing starts.

start i thought you were a normal person a regular client oh i forgot i'm sorry i'm sorry but you

start you start fucking about it oh yeah i'm sorry man i have no idea i'm on adivan i'm they got me

on adivan and ambient i my my aunt died two days ago two days ago in the morning you know i just

been drinking a lot of yingling light you know and i have some old that's what it is that's what

so you're a fucking drunk and drug addict and all those things.

I don't smoke.

I don't drink.

I never juice-drunk in my life.

Yeah, but you suck dick.

You suck dick.

It's worse than going to hell.

I know.

Hey, I know what you're trying to do.

I know who sent you to call me.

I know everything.

What are you going to do about it?

Well, you'll see.

I'm telling you, you'll see.

What are you going to do about it?

Yeah, I see.

Puto.

You're gonna see what happens, motherfucker

You don't know me and the fucking

And the fucking guy that told you to call me

You don't know shit

You have no idea who you're messing with

Yeah, whatever

Whatever, you're a fuck

I'm gonna track you down

And I'm gonna give you

Surprise

Okay, I'm not scared

Okay

I'm not scared, motherfucker

Be prepared

Okay, who am I?

Be prepared

Who is it? Say who is it and I'll tell you

Be prepared

I'll tell you if it's them, I'll help you

I'll give you all the information.

I have a hacker.

I don't need your information.

No.

I know a guy.

He's a damn hacker.

He knows how to track you and anyone else.

No, but I can tell you everything.

So I'm going to give you a surprise.

No, no, no, no.

You're going to get a call.

No.

Hey, you're going to get a call from me.

No.

You're going to get a call from me two, three minutes before I kick your ass.

No.

Okay?

No.

Yes, pinche borracho hijo de puta.

No.

Fucking drunk, pervert, motherfucker.

I'll be your bitch.

I see.

Yeah, I'm on it.

You're going to meet me.

You're going to meet me soon.

We're going to meet each other soon.

And I'm going to give you a surprise.

Okay?

I'll make you a nice breakfast and everything.

You're going to be sorry about it, man, because I don't mess with nobody, but nobody mess with me.

Fuck you.

Okay?

Like I say, I don't drink.

I don't smoke.

Never used drugs in my life.

I'm vegetarian.

And all the good things in life.

all the good things in life but you are the opposite and also a fuck it what you

see so you get the wrong number but you remember you already met with the wrong

person I'm not scared by now scare Jose okay it doesn't matter it doesn't matter

it doesn't matter what you feel or believe it is not up to you okay okay

Okay, pendejo.

Okay, chingas a tu puta madre, hijo de puta.

Eh, okay.

Track you down.

Bye.

¿Qué quieres, hijo de tu puta madre?

Oh, I'm sorry, papi.

Come on, papi.

No, papi.

What the fuck you want?

No, papi.

Fue un malentendido.

I'm sorry.

Come on, man.

No, hey.

You already made the mistake.

No, man.

Come on.

Now you're going to have to.

Now you're going to fix.

Now I'm going to fix it for you.

Fue un malentendido.

Fue un malentendido, no.

I'm going to fix it for you.

No.

This guy, and you're going to meet, I'm going to show you the damn hacker.

He's a damn, he can track even the NASA, the Pentagon, anywhere he can go in.

No, papi, no, no.

So I have your number right here.

I'm going to track you down.

See you soon.

No, papi, no.

No, no.

Bye.

No, come on.

Mal entendido.

You better go to Cuba, man.

You better go to Cuba because I'm going to track you down all the way.

Well, mal entendido.

No, papi, no.

Okay.

No, it's not un malentendido.

It's not un malentendido.

Yes.

You troll me, you start throwing shit on me.

I didn't say nothing wrong to you.

Yo no te dije nada malo, ¿verdad?

Pero ya, pero ya, déjalo, déjalo pasar ya.

Come on, papi.

Bueno, nada más tienes que aprender una lección.

Cuando chingas con un hombre, cuando chingas con un hombre como yo.

Está bien.

Vas a aprender una lección.

No, no, no.

Y te voy a dar uno por...

You have enough time to say goodbye to your family

No, come on, don't be like that

No, no, no, no

Just so you can see that I'm a good person

No, anything you want from me, I'll give it to you

But please, no, not my family, not me

Please

Fucking Spanish, no one cares

No one cares, no one cares, shut up

Milkman, did you understand, did you follow any of that?

Did you hear?

here oh no he's going after your family too dude yeah he said that uh he was going to do me a favor

that i had better say goodbye to my family he said i'll do you one favor you can say goodbye

to your family oh god father no i'm telling you man i got some serious shit um let's do it i'm

dude that was pretty scary i'm telling you he said he had hackers that could track nasa and

the pentagon the pentagon yeah oh yeah that's what he said boy what's the last number we called

to taking a shit let's see uh we called uh we called that chinese lady started laughing

yeah hi um i just took a shit after eating your food yeah yeah it was good it was really good

thank you everything came out really good beautiful perfect thank you um

It doesn't smell bad or anything.

Smell bad?

It doesn't smell bad or nothing.

Hey, can I use your bathroom when I come to get food?

Can I use your bathroom?

Okay.

Can I eat inside?

I want to eat in the toilet.

Will you come and kiss me?

I want to kiss you.

Okay, whatever, dude.

Shut the fuck up.

I'm a drunk pervert motherfucker.

I like her.

Thank you.

I'm glad you like the call, Milkman.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Hey, thank you.

Whatever, here's a different one.

There's so many Chinese restaurants in Honourou.

She's a good sport, dude.

Yeah, she is pretty nice, right?

I should call Charlie back in a minute here.

We'll call Charlie's restaurant back in a minute.

Yeah, dude, she laughed even the second time.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Whiskey, I'm out of whiskey now.

Sucks.

All right.

Let me know next week.

What am I?

Savage, I'm missing a single one with a blender.

Hey, honey, baby, how are you?

Hi.

Hello?

Hi, this Chopsuey?

Check out?

Well, yeah, how long after I eat until I take a shit in the toilet?

Yeah, it doesn't always work.

I gotta order the food first.

That's a normal reaction there.

Yeah, and that's what you expect to happen, though.

Right.

That last one there, the first one there was American food.

That happens like one in a hundred.

Yeah.

Yeah. Let's see what this version of

Fireworks sounds like that the horse just

sent me. Yeah, that one

where the lady was laughing

and thanking you. That's like one of the

hundreds.

There we go, yeah.

It could be a strikeout

or a home run.

I'll say, man. So, that's good.

That's good. Oh, I did

find my vape pen. I've been

using that Asian... Have you ever heard of that Asian Orange

milk pen? Yeah, dude, I like that,

man. That's real good stuff, man.

Some good stuff, yeah.

I'm enjoying that right now.

That reminds me of that orange crush that I did.

Yeah.

They got that Black Charlie.

Similar to that.

They got that Black Charlie.

I don't know about that one.

I'm really excited.

I had that orange crush there.

Yeah, Black Charlie.

And the Asian orange was nice.

I got this stuff called Red Congolee.

I got another one called Purple Kush.

Purple Kush.

Yeah.

Are you done with Granddaddy Purple?

That was your big thing for a long time.

Oh, I can still get it.

I can still get it, dude.

You know, I mix it up.

You get used to one string for a while,

but, you know, it's kind of like, you know,

if you change around, it's always fresh, you know what I mean?

Yep, yes, sir.

I want to thank everyone who is chatting with us today.

First of all, of course.

There's definitely something in that family that's always good.

Even the cherry pie was really good.

That's a good song by Warrant.

Everyone that was chatting with us tonight, thank you.

We got people over at the IRC at themadhouselive.com or theprankcolonation.com.

That's run by Enigma420horse.

Be sure to check them out at Enigma420 at Gort.

Enigma420 at GO.RT.

We also got the discord.gg slash pranks.

That's palindrome's thing.

palindrome at GO.RT.

And I believe the Mixler.

I refuse to say MixLR

It's Mixler

And we got the Mixler chat operational

For the duration of the show

Milkman, I was thinking tonight

It'd be nice maybe for our anniversary show

That we do here in about two weeks

We should incorporate

An incoming phone line

You know, let people call in and ask

Or say whatever, you know what I mean

Limited, limited, yeah

Limited access

Maybe limited access, 800 or something

Whites only, whites only

Well, just not everybody, because, like, you know, some people are going to abuse that.

You know, we've had that for years, where people would call in, you know, I mean, I think it'd be...

Yeah, and then the phone losers had to ruin that.

Thanks, guys. The phone losers.

How many years, but do you want the first, what, five or six years? Do we have an 800 number?

888-278-8509, yeah.

Yeah, call in now. Operators are waiting.

You got any plans for Happy 4th?

You're going to be working?

You're going to be lighting some fireworks off in your bathroom?

I think I might work a little bit, dude.

I'm not that big.

I'm not that big special.

It's no big deal for me.

That's a shame, Milkman.

You shouldn't make it a big deal.

A big fucking deal.

Everyone should be like, hey, it's a big deal.

Just like that.

You know what I mean?

Well, I wish it was.

It is a big deal.

This is America.

And this country may be going to shit.

And we may have lost it to the neocons.

But goddammit, Milkman.

it's the best thing going today

I definitely

agree with that

I'm just saying that

I don't have no reason really to

go to the fireworks

boyfriend, girlfriend

you know

go to the fireworks, husband, wife, kids

you know

I really don't go to them

do you need a special girl?

alright look, if anyone is in

California

and we're in the san francisco bay area and you're looking just just to be friends with a

huggable guy my best friend super nice guy um and he'll drive you around for free i'm sure

don't hold me to that uh milkman is available

yeah ted web uh ted big outage over i've done and that's thank you for bringing that up

blue planet prank radio if you want to listen to the best uh 24 7 streaming prank calls

yeah he had a big power outage he got uh raided uh apparently they uh they accused him of having

um uh human slaves in his home came to find out it was his uh the townhouse next to his the next

Next-door neighbor, they went to the wrong place, and the next-door neighbor escaped out the back and got away, and all the women weren't found.

Yeah, totally.

They raided the wrong place.

So there was a big outage.

We lost Blue Planet Prank Radio.

I love it, dude.

I've got Alexa.

You know that Alexa milkman?

Google Alexa.

Amazon Alexa.

You know what I'm talking about?

It's a speaker that listens to everything you say.

I can right now

I can go to the living room and I can say

Alexa play Blue Planet Prank Radio

and it'll turn on and I'll hear

us on it sometimes

I'm so happy

I like that web study

because it's got all the old classic old stuff

I like the old shit

you know what's even better

I went out there

we're actually in the old shit now

I first got it

I tested it out and I was like

can I play Blue Planet Prank Radio

Radio. Planet Packer Radio

came on. I said, play

The Snowplow Show, Brad Carter,

Phone Losers, and it started playing

the podcast. And I

said, play Dwight the Janitor,

and it started playing Dwight the Janitor

podcast. You know what? Then I

said, I said,

play Madhouse Radio Podcast,

and you know what it said? I'm sorry,

I don't know who Madhouse Radio

Packer is. Yay!

Yay!

Nothing ever works.

I blame Brad Carter for this.

He's shutting me out of Alexa.

No, he's not.

I don't know why it's happening.

I'd have to have a word with TuneIn Radio because I am an actual registered station there,

and that should be working.

We've had a shoutcast station operational.

I just haven't posted it anywhere.

You can actually call into it.

There's a phone number you can dial, and you can listen to it.

You don't even have to be at a computer.

I remember you gave me a while back

But it went off for a while

Yeah, it should be up

It should be up and working

But yeah, you call in

You can listen to 24-7 stream in that house

Yeah, because that was cool

I used to call in

And fuck MixLR

It's not MixLR

It never was MixLR

And it never will be MixLR

Even if they come out and say that it's MixLR

I do not believe that it's MixLR

too much fucking bandwidth is what I call it

that's what you call it yeah

well then that's what shoutcast is for

old man you know

yeah but that shit's like what 192

and shit you know it's like

fucking running a hell of a connection dude

don't get that

difference in your audio quality

listen I don't know

Matt Hillock is a drunk alcoholic

he's got brain lesions

and he doesn't work and he's on

the government dime the government

and he can listen to all the shows he wants and go on and skype and video and watch the movies

on the internet and no problem and milkman why not you why why not you i don't understand we

need to we get us there's got to be a way to make you go you know we got to be able to make you go

whatever had that didn't nash nashby's didn't he like give you some like satellite equipment he

He wanted you to bounce a signal off a building and all this shit.

He wanted you to do some crazy technical shit.

Yeah, I guess he thought you were like a cell phone guy.

Like you would know how to set up your own cell phone tower or something.

Remember that?

No, no.

I know it was something simple, really.

But it didn't work for our match.

Wow.

You know, at one time, you know, there was quite a few open Wi-Fi networks around.

you know even commercial ones right but from where i'm at there's nothing commercial in range

so like i'd have to like set up like a major antenna just to even shoot for anything in range

just to get in range playing so it's like a long range wi-fi you can pick up like free wi-fi from

far away basically right if i could get get pick up signal with this gear yeah it would be wi-fi

bought yet okay but to where i was at dude and to get there there's so much shit in the way right

you know the density of where i'm at to where it's at it's like almost impossible okay and shit right

and shit too right it's a piece of shit because nashby gave it to you did i tell you i didn't

tell you the story i'm kidding i'm kidding nashby was cool that's awesome i tried man i mean you

You know, and probably where you're at, there's probably a lot more occurrences of, you know, open networks available, right?

Yeah, the fucking Mormons.

I don't remember where all the areas you serve with that unit at, but probably there.

But here, everybody's on to the Wi-Fi thing.

Oh, yeah.

We got to do a prank call.

Everything mostly is locked down.

Hey, hey, hey, wait, wait, wait.

We got to do a prank call, but real quick, let me tell you.

I didn't tell you the story, I don't think, but Nashby was in Puerto Rico on a vacation.

And he was getting kind of frisky with his wife in the hotel room.

And I called the hotel room.

I called the hotel and I said, hi, my name is Mr. Nashby.

And there's a chicken loose, there's an animal loose in my room.

And they sent people to his room.

And he was in the middle of porking his wife.

And it got interrupted.

It got interrupted

He had to throw a towel on

And answer the door

And then he was all like

Mean to the lady

Like oh no

I'm not

I'm fine

There's no animal here

And his wife got mad

Because of how mad he got

At the

At the lady

You know

That came to the door

And

No more sex

For the rest of the weekend

No more sex

It's on

Completely closed it

Like a wet oil

Marital

Yeah

And then I came to find out

That Nash being her

I've been having like

marital problems you know because there was a big thing where you know they weren't getting along

and she was texting another man and they were absolutely not in the prank calls then maybe i

shouldn't be talking about this so they were trying to fix their relationship their marriage

up and i completely ruined it and they now they just filed for divorce and it's all my fault

yeah i know he's a nice guy i made half of that

Some of that is real

Some of that story is not real

Some parts have been recreated

Some parts have been fabricated

For the purpose of editing

One of the few people I've ever met

Milkman I'm excited

We're working out this meeting

We're going to get you

Guys I'm being honest with you

We're going to probably have a get me

or a hub or a source, whatever they're called,

whatever the young guys in Silicon Valley call it,

figures and see how much to fly Milkman up

and we'll all contribute, hopefully.

Because I will not do a meet-up without Milkman.

That's it. That's number one.

Number two, I need to have purchased for me

a new pair of socks for every day.

It needs to be available to me on the hotel bed when I get there.

Where's my mouse?

There's a little napkin.

The golden wrap.

Little chocolates?

Yeah, chocolate.

You ever see that movie?

Cabin Boy, was it?

Or what was that?

The Little Chocolates?

Look, when I'm playing...

You know what?

These people are probably fucking close, Milkman.

Fuck it, right?

All right.

What were you saying, Milkman?

Go ahead, sir.

I'm sorry.

I remember Tom Ward used to do that Chocolates voice.

Tom Ward.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was fucking nuts.

All right.

Do you ever hear from Tom Ward anymore?

Has he disappeared?

Nope.

I kind of caught up with everyone

one when the

anniversary show happened and

haven't had a chance to. I know Sean's doing good.

He's got a big YouTube presence.

He's doing a lot of videos. He's got a lot of followers.

I think he was working on some kind of show or something.

Yeah, he's doing good. He's successful.

I always knew he would be, man.

He's a smart guy. He's a good kid.

Yeah, he was doing like a cartoon or something

too or something for a little while.

Yeah, he's got like this fat girl

that dresses up like Comic Book Woman.

Yeah, hi. I need

to speak with Charlie.

Charlie is not working today.

Oh, no, okay.

Is he okay?

Do you want to leave a message?

Is he okay?

He's not working today.

Is he okay?

Yeah, he's fine.

Okay, yeah, can you write a message down?

Okay, what number are you?

Okay, my number is 212-2017.

Okay, and your name?

My name is Sex, S-E-X.

Sex.

Sex, S-E-X.

Okay.

and then that I want to kiss him, I should say,

that I want to kiss him all over his body.

Okay?

You know what is kissing?

The word!

Does she know that I love it when she does this?

Sounds busy there, huh, Milkman?

There's like some kind of radio that plays music there,

and she just always puts the phone next to it.

She just sets it down.

She figures the music will get me to hang up faster.

So if I call it now, why?

It'll be busy.

Let me redial.

It'll be busy.

she's very smart uh we are still going to be taking a break and i am still going to be doing

more show here so don't worry about that but for now we need that pen what's in the pen

oh i told you i found the pen i found the pen i found the pen yeah it's what i told you that

stuff very agent orange stuff you know oh okay yeah yeah i'm being reminded that there needs to

to be a pressure cooker of rice that'll be made early in the morning uh i don't know if you

remember the story milkman but when i was taking a lot of ambien at night to sleep and i was having

very bad insomnia problems when i was working night shift i used uh this one time i well it

happened twice um but i cooked i i on ambien i got up i made a pot of rice in the rice cooker

like i completely made it seasoned perfectly i put fucking cilantro little cilantro garnish on

it and everything and then i went back to sleep i didn't even need it i just went right back to

sleep i mean because athena woke me up she's like what are you fucking mexican or something

like what are you talking about it's like you made fucking rice last night it's still plugged in

like oh my bad and i'll tell you what i woke up and i had uh rice for breakfast and it was i was

was really good right that was the best rice i think i'd ever made ambient rice what the fuck

yeah ambient rice oh holy shit you gotta watch out man you gotta try that ambient rice milk

when i'm telling you it's some good shit you better watch out you might stick your dick in

a light socket turn on that damn sock one night that'll wake you hell up no i wouldn't do that

because i wouldn't want to have sex with a light socket but i would like to eat rice yeah but if

If you're asleep, sleep longer.

No, no.

I mean, you don't do stuff that...

You only do stuff that you would normally, that you would like to do.

Like, I wouldn't want to, like, go out and, like, rape a man.

What if you're in a dream, though?

What if you're dreaming while that's happening?

No, it doesn't work like that, Milkman.

You're silly.

When did you start making cilantro rice?

I don't remember you doing that.

No, no, no.

Like, when you make the rice, and at the end stage, you add a little cilantro flake

to the top, and it makes, like, a little garnish.

I don't remember you making rice, dude.

When in the hell do you get up, make a right, and go to bed at night?

That's a rather infrequent, if I recall.

It happened twice.

I don't know, man.

I can't.

Twice?

Holy shit.

Yeah.

It happened twice.

Dude, be careful.

Seriously, dude.

That's some fucking bullshit.

Be careful, man.

No, I don't fuck with that damn thing.

You're not supposed to move around while you're asleep, man.

You're supposed to be asleep.

You're not supposed to move around, dude.

That's the difference between dreaming and fucking getting killed.

It's your sleep.

I don't mess with that shit, man.

All right.

Let's call.

All right, just be careful, bro.

I don't want you to fall down while you're sleeping, dude.

I understand.

Oh, it fell down the stairs, man.

Already broke an ankle, man.

What else do you want?

Here's a 24-hour...

I know.

We don't want to match that, right?

We're

on a 24-hour finish.

This is Jennifer.

How may I assist you?

Hey, how you doing, honey baby?

I'm good.

How are you?

I'm ready to get my swole on, yeah.

Yeah.

How does it work if I have an out-of-state fucking...

Whatchamacallit?

A membership?

Yeah, like I'm in the computer.

Well, do you have an all-club supersport?

Yeah, I do.

I got the best, man.

I'm an Air Force pilot.

I fly F-15s, man.

Okay, if you have a 24-hour fitness all-club supersport, you can attend ours.

You just need to come in and scan in.

Yeah, cool, cool, cool.

Cool, so my scanner will work in your fucking place?

Possibly, yeah, if you want to bring your ID, just in case it doesn't.

Hey, so I got over here, and I didn't realize you guys had...

I got over here, and I didn't realize that there's, like, illegal weed here now, you know?

Yep.

This is great.

Anything else?

Yeah, and I've been drinking, and...

Okay.

Is that a problem if I'm working out there?

You probably shouldn't come to the gym if you've been drinking, in just my opinion, but hey.

Well, I'm going to stop.

There's a CVS around the corner from the payphone I'm on.

So I'm going to go there and I'm going to buy some PD light.

I do this all the time.

I'm an airline pilot.

I drive the plane drunk half the time I'm on it.

Trust me, I'm fine.

Can I wear flip-flops?

No, it has to be closed-toe shoes, unfortunately.

Oh, man, come on.

For your safety.

Do you have some duct tape I can use to close them up?

No, unfortunately.

Unfortunately.

I'll buy some duct tape at the CVS now.

Well, you'll have to be in tennis shoes.

No, no.

You said closed toe.

You can't change it now.

You have to be in tennis shoes.

No, I said no.

I said no.

Okay, have a great night there.

I said no.

I'll go down there.

I'm going to throw everything.

I'm not going to.

Is there a rule that I have to use a towel on the machine?

You have to bring a towel with you, yes.

It's advised.

But is there a rule that I have to clean the machine?

There's not a rule, no.

No?

Okay.

I'm going to fart on it.

That's the wrong place, Milkman.

That's Planet Fitness.

You want to do a Lunky alarm?

We can do a Lunky.

All right, hang on.

I'll do a Lunky for you.

I know you're a big fan of the Lunk alarms, buddy.

Let's see what we got.

What's that place called?

Patient Fitness.

Planet Fitness.

Two S's in this.

All righty then.

I want to thank all 100 plus of you who are listening right now.

God bless you all.

I love my fans.

I love all of you.

I want to say Milkman and I were talking today.

We got big plans.

Madhouse, I'm not going to do weekly shows, but we're going to be more regular.

We're going to catch up the podcast.

We're going to redo the website, and we're going to plan a meetup.

And we're going back to me and Milkman starting off the show.

You know, at least two hours of me and Milkman doing our thing.

And then maybe we open the lines for our associated guests to come in.

Right.

Yeah, I just screwed up.

The man with the plan. I like it.

The man with the plan.

The big lady.

The man with the plan. He's ready to get in your face.

I give him this big, man.

Oh, man, I skipped. I fucked up my music.

I had to find the song I left off of.

Here we go. That's close enough.

Okay, here we go. Next call.

Planet Fitness. Let's see if they're open.

You've called Planet Fitness. How may I help you?

Hi, Rebecca. This is Bill. I'm calling from the corporate office.

How are you today?

Hey, how are you?

Or it's tonight. I'm sorry. Thank you. It's been a long night.

We're having an issue at your location. You're on my list of 52 locations that are not reporting.

The Lunk Alarm is not communicating back. That information is data that's used by our marketing department.

And unfortunately, we're not getting information from the Lunk Alarm.

It tracks when it's used, for how long, at what times of the day.

Is your Lunk Alarm installed? Have you had any trouble with it?

I'm not going to work because we've used it quite a bit.

Have you used it today at all?

Has there been a lot of problems?

Today's actually been really quiet.

All right.

Give me a favor.

Can you just set that off really quick for about two, three seconds and turn it off?

I want to see if it comes up on the computer, please.

Okay.

You know that the members are going to hate me for this, right?

Well, yeah.

I mean, at the end of it, we can do a phone survey, actually.

I can put one of my so-to-somes.

We'll do a phone survey, and they'll be eligible for a free black card membership for three months, actually, for three questions.

But, yeah, anyway.

Okay, I'm going to put it on.

You said three seconds, right?

Okay, yes.

Thank you.

All right, let's see here.

All right, it is not pinging back.

Did the light come on?

It did.

Oh, boy.

You didn't hear it?

We need to determine what model one alarm do you have.

Do you have a flip switch or a push button?

Flip.

Flip switch would be a 2211.

If you're familiar with the procedure to reset it so we can get the data connection restored.

I am not.

Okay, what I'm going to do is ask you to reactivate the LUNK alarm.

I'm going to watch from here.

The percentage bar will hit 100, and you can go ahead and release it.

Oh, she hung up.

She must be used to this.

She must have heard.

She got the memo.

Well, at least she made it go off a little bit.

We can make it together.

Let's call back just in case, just in case.

We can teach the kids.

Let's get the scoop on this whole hanging up on Carlito.

I heard it go off.

That was pretty cool.

In my heart.

Thank you for calling Planet Fitness in downtown Glendale.

It's Frankie.

How can I help you?

Frankie, hi.

Cross calling here from the corporate office.

I was just talking to a lady, and she disconnected the call.

Do you know what happened?

It's because we're unaware that this happened to us.

If you want to do that procedure, you're going to have to call back when our manager is here.

Is there a reason why you're acting like this with me?

Yeah.

No.

I've gotten these type of calls before.

You've gotten these type of calls before?

Yes.

What happened during the call?

I talked to the regional manager about it, and they said they were unaware of this.

So now whenever I get these calls, I just reference them over to the manager herself.

Does this happen a lot?

It does happen pretty often, sir.

How often?

On a monthly basis?

No, not on a monthly basis, but it happens like every so often.

Every so often you get calls from people?

Do they sound like kids, goofy kind of sometimes?

No?

They sound like adults, like sick, perverted adults?

Correct.

Oh, geez.

Okay.

All right.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

I'll put a report here for you then, okay?

We'll see if we can get that taken care of.

Okay.

All right, you motherfucker, you.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm the hacker.

I'm the phone hacker.

Hacker.

Yeah, totally.

Totally corporate, dude.

I'm the number two phone hacker in the world.

Look it up.

Yeah, totally.

Yeah, I'm Breck Harder.

Bye.

All right.

So there you go.

I guess it's that big of a thing.

I would like to point out again that I'm the motherfucker that invented it.

Thank you.

Everyone else got a nice super credit for it, but I'm the motherfucker that invented that idea.

Dude, he's like, we get him pretty often.

motherfucker i might make some ambient rice tonight you know i'm saying i might take that

break and make some fucking rice by the time the show's done i have myself a big bowl of rice

make it make an ambient jack fast i'm gonna crush up some ambient in it that's what i'm

gonna do have a nice sleep nice nice carb belly sleep if you know what i mean

you gotta put some adobo gonna put some a1 sauce in that motherfucker

Fucker.

Yeah.

Anything I can find.

Bay leaves.

Fucking honey.

Get the ganjules.

Put the ganjules in there.

Ganjules.

Yeah, but yeah.

Fuck yeah, you go.

And I'll put some adobo in it while I'm at it.

There you go.

Good idea, Milkman.

There you go.

My man.

Yeah, man.

Yeah.

We're going to have good old rice.

We're going to put some of this marijuana oil in it, too.

We're going to get fucked up tonight.

Oh, heck, dude.

Man, you're still eating one bowl of that.

You changed the pot.

Ambient marijuana fucking.

in i'll put vitamins in i want to crush up my ant my multivitamin oh man do the ambient like

in a smoothie or something like that no i just crush it up dude what are you talking about a

smoothie that's silly yeah but if the ambience i know that's a conflict with the flavors of the

rice yeah dude look a lot of kids calling for fucking monk alarms now can't do anything anymore

We got too big.

We got too popular.

We don't have fun anymore.

I'm Charlie.

How may I help you?

Charlie, hi.

My name is Cross.

I'm calling from the corporate office.

How are you tonight?

I'm doing well.

How are you?

I'm well.

Thank you for taking my call.

It's been a long night.

We're noticing here you're in report one out of the 57 whose lung alarm is not responding

back to the marketing department IT server.

Are you aware of any issues with your lung alarm within the last 24 to 48 hours?

No, not at all.

Okay.

Have you activated your LUNC alarm within the last 24 to 48 hours?

Earlier, like about, I'm going to say, hey, when did you ring the LUNC alarm earlier?

What time?

Like 7.30.

Was it a serious problem?

Man grunting?

No, it was just somebody had an incident.

I had to get another staff member.

Oh, goodness.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Okay.

Any issues with the LUNC alarm either flashing or making noise during that period?

Do you know of?

Nope, not at all.

Okay.

Are you able to activate the local art for approximately two to three seconds now

so I can confirm if it pings back to the IT data center?

Sure.

Okay.

You should be good.

I need at least two or three seconds.

Okay.

Thank you.

What did you say your first name was again?

Cross.

Cross?

Yeah, Valente.

Cross Valente.

Okay.

Thank you.

are we there yeah i'm sorry i'm just hold on you just don't need me to activate the

alarm for you uh three seconds yeah so i can confirm whether or not it pings back

here to the data center if you don't mind i'm calling from the data center new hampshire

okay there you go give me just a minute here it takes about are some getting what's called

ttl trans transport failed in transit ttl failed transit ttl failed transit okay are you are you

Are you familiar with TTL failed transit error?

No, I'm not.

Okay, we need to reset the IP address of the LUNC alarm.

Are you aware of that procedure?

No, I've never done that before, no.

Okay, please turn to page number 8146 in your manual.

Requires activate LUNC alarm while I turn on the SNIPE system.

The bar will progress from 0 to 100%.

Ask associate to maintain the LUNC alarm engaged until it reaches 100%,

at which time the IP address will have been reestablished with the DCCP server.

Okay, so I need you to activate your LUNC alarm.

I'm going to let you know when it hits 100%.

I'll have you deactivate it, and that should take care of the issue.

Okay, sounds good.

Okay, please, I'm waiting on you.

All right, I'm going to go ahead and start now.

Thank you.

15%, 17%.

Is it going to take a long time?

We're getting there.

It goes faster 25% 32 33. Okay, we just lost I just lost

There was a day, dude, when you, you know, it's hard now because the word got around that company, but there was a day, man, where we were burning them out.

You remember?

And I had you break it down because, you know, electronics and shit like that.

You're like, it's the brushes that turn and they burn out.

And, oh, my God.

They'd always end up with the siren would die.

go here and the light the light would just flash the blue light and then we'd tell we'd always tell

them all right we're going to get you a new one we're going to get a technician out there to

install it like oh okay yeah what is the thing for anyway what is it for what's a wonk anyway i mean

so yeah it's it's what they would call like a meathead they call him a wonk you know like an

arnold guy so basically like yeah so planet fitness aims for a demographic which is like

people who are getting into fitness for the first time and they're currently overweight or they're

older or they're they're socially awkward they're autistic you know and they don't some things like

that so well you get the alarm if i can let everybody know that oh no no so if you go there

And you act a certain way that they don't agree with, which is basically I think the rules are grunting while you're lifting, like excessive, like when you're lifting, which is bullshit because I lifted a lot of weights in high school.

And I do when I started taking care of myself, getting back in the gym and lifting weights here and there, mostly machines.

But you have to like a little bit like like, you know, like they like our coach has taught us.

They said, dude, like, don't be embarrassed.

it's like just fucking grunt get that fucking weight up that's what they yeah yeah but at this

place that they're like planet fitness like don't grunt um it's a no judgment zone what else

um you they don't like people who drop the weights like like after you're pushing you know

like you're like like let's say you got some dumbbells okay and you're on your back and you're

pushing and you're pushing and you get that last one up and you just drop your weights you know

instead of putting them down quietly if you drop them how high how high off the ground you talk

anywhere where you could hear it i guess where we go you know what i mean any anything if you

don't just set it down gently it's against the rules basically um maybe about a pinch or two

about the max dude yeah not but yeah yeah well yeah i mean that's one thing you know

well i'm not even talking seven the way it's like it's just a thing like to me i remember

But, like, when I would do dumbbells and shit in high school, like, you'd get that last one up, and it's like, fuck it.

I'm just throwing it down.

I'm done.

I don't need to be graceful.

Fuck it.

We're guys.

You know what I mean?

We're guys.

We're doing weights.

We're fucking football players.

We're fucking fingering girls.

And we're smoking really shitty weed.

That's what we're doing, basically.

So that's, well, that was that.

So, yeah, you drop the weights.

And then I think.

I never did that.

Yeah.

I guess I was never allowed to do that.

it would break your weights and shit you know because like no no no it's padded it's padded

modern gym the the floors are padded and even the weights are are padded about in my i talk about in

my own home so like when i had my own set of weights you couldn't slam them or drop me even

at all inside there it was like concrete shit oh well yeah when you're like and you're doing

in your garage

and shit

and you're white trash

to the Republican

neighborhood.

I never slant

ever,

not a white man

in front of that.

So yeah,

and then intimidation,

like,

you know,

if you're going around

and looking at the girls

like,

they'll look,

whatever.

That's their rule.

You're kidding me.

They'll catch you

looking at chicks,

man,

and look at your

dick cake

and then,

you know,

like,

and it's a fucking

siren

and I'm pretty sure

Sure. That's a class action lawsuit looking to start for two reasons.

Number A, for discriminating against people who are muscle-bounded.

Number B, you're going to hurt some people's fucking ears doing shit like I just got these guys to do right now.

They need to do that more regularly so people start to get their ears getting a little bit hair and lots of music.

Tell you what, if I was a gym member and I was there right now and they were doing that shit,

I would have been like, you fucking blew my eardrums.

I'm never going to hear the same.

I might hear 0.01% less than I would for the rest of my life.

I'm suing you for $10 million, and I want you to go to jail for 52 years.

But, dude, they only got it up to 53%, man.

So, you know, they could only get half of that.

I don't think they even hit 53%.

I thought they were in the 30s still.

He's hoggered about it.

If Dwight was around, he could tell us.

Dwight will be maybe hopefully joining us later here after our break.

Dwight will tell you.

I think he had the record.

It was something like nine minutes, ten minutes.

I remember she was getting burnt out.

This one would not burn out.

It wouldn't.

It just wouldn't burn out.

It was the fucking lunk alarm that I could.

Wow, man.

It was brand new right out of the box.

They must have never used it.

well no i remember for a fact there was like a brand new uh they were like we're in the guy

said at some point like oh yeah this is a grand opening we're really busy this is very inconvenient

i'm like wait whatever we gotta do this yeah and the shit still burnt out pretty quick you know

it didn't it did last long yeah it did it did not last long dude i mean yeah you put a it's

a design for that it's not for you to go wee wee wee a little bit you know you're not it's not for

that let's do one more and take that break and then we'll come back and uh knock it out a little

bit more yeah yeah yeah you're having a good night milkman it's good having you back man

i'm really happy yeah brother i'm really glad man thank you so much man great thank you for

being on a modern all right let's see here what i could call a casino i don't know anytime fitness

Fitness, there we go.

They're open now.

All right.

Guys, send me your ideas of the old shit I used to do.

You know what I mean?

Like some old stupid cock-sucking pranks that Carly used to do here.

Do you want to hear me do tonight?

I'm feeling like bringing the old school back a little bit tonight, I guess.

I'm an old man.

What can I say?

This call will be recorded for quality assurance.

Sure will.

If you're calling Anytime Fitness on Windmill in Bermuda,

Please hold, and one of our fitness professionals will be with you in just a moment.

Please stay on the line while your call is transferred to the operator.

Anytime Fitness on Windmill Lane, the world's number one fitness spring.

One of our members has just stepped out.

Please visit our website for more details.

Whatever, dude.

All right, we're going to take that break, Bill.

Do a Jack Masterson, dude.

Do a Jack Masterson.

You want a Jack Masterson?

Remind me.

Hang on.

Let me write it down.

Give me a second.

Let me get that.

so right now i got dr lego wanted a walmart we never did it i'll call a walmart uh i wrote down

how long until they take a shit i did that we'll mark that off um and we got uh i got a request for

heat calling uh deli uh denny's and stuff for heat orders for heat all right if you guys want

to hear that and what would you say milkman i forgot already what was it jack masterson jack

Jack, Jack Astros.

Usually involved, dude.

Yeah, yeah.

Something hurting in your mouth.

Big fat marker in his mouth.

Yeah, totally, man.

I can do that.

All right, so when we come back, we got more numbers to do.

We got more ideas.

Some guests will be joining.

Michael, you're right.

Can I get some guests on now?

Are you feeling it?

All right, dude.

You got your dick on?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, you need to be involved.

You know, don't sit back and don't let them talk over you, Milkman.

You be assertive, okay?

You need to be assertive.

It's kind of hard, but, I mean, it's really hard, you know.

I mean, I tried.

It gets a little crazy, I know.

I know, man.

I'm sorry.

If you have a whole bunch of people, it makes a big difference if you have one or two.

Yeah, I got you.

You're muffling your microphone thing again.

Sorry, dude.

No, you're good.

You're good.

All right, everybody, we're going to take that break.

We'll be back in about seven, eight minutes.

I don't know.

Enough time for me to cook some Ambien rice.

We'll have more calls.

I'll check the chat room during the break

looking for any ideas if anyone

happened to send any as to any of

them old classic-y madhouse-y

things that you'd like to see me do your favorite

madhouse shit

we'll even call it Dunkin Donuts like we used to do

back in the day you know

hee hee hee

you know let's gather some of these

ideas and then we'll go out and use them

on the nursery show

just to give us an idea

so like whatever people are sending

the men. I move

that we collect those ideas and

use and execute those good

percentages on our anniversary show.

Yeah, we're gonna

request for Bill Bollocks. That's really

just a name and a very effeminate

I'm Bill Bollocks. I can do that.

Yeah, I can do that, sure. Big girl?

I heard. I see here someone saying

big girl. Alright, we can do that.

Okay, cool. I'll be right back. Milkman, hang

in there, alright buddy?

They put your GPS in your box and a trapdoor at the bottom.

So when you die, you open that trapdoor at the bottom,

you check the GPS, and you go straight down.

Madhouse Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

I'm choking.

We're back here. Let's do some prank calls.

I have now officially opened up prank lines.

Anyone who wants to join, do so now.

In the meantime, I am Carlito.

I'm joined here with my longtime co-host for nearly 12 years of Madhouse Radio, Milkman.

What's up, Milkman?

Hi, Carlito.

Get it on, buddy.

Good to hear you, sir.

Too long.

Yeah, no.

It's been a long vacation, but...

Enjoyed them prank calls.

Yeah, man.

Good for your man.

Real good for your blood.

I verify he's enjoying it as much as I am.

Good for your dick.

Yeah, it's funny to hear that guy's hilarious.

Larry, whatever happens to him, I'll be back.

Jim Stewart, I keep up with him a lot, actually.

Every, at least, you know, one or every one or two weeks, we talk on WhatsApp.

If we can get him around, maybe next week, we'll do our show.

Well, he's single.

Any ladies over there in London stand?

Hit him up?

All of these ladies are talking to the girls in London.

Yep.

The numbers, man.

Yeah, we got Dwight McClanahan here.

Dwight McClanahan, how are you?

Good evening, bitches.

I know you're a big fan of Tool there.

there actually

i don't know

that you are

i'm just guessing

that you are

it's a good song

good

how'd you like it

son of a bitch

you just eat that

fucking rice

and just settle down.

Mmm, just good fucking Ambien rice, man.

I'm telling you, what up?

So, you all ready for your show tomorrow?

You guys ready to get your fireworks on?

Yeah, I've been trying them tonight.

Got a proof, trying to test things out,

you know what I mean?

No, I haven't created my list of who we're going to call yet,

but I'll figure that out tomorrow.

Okay, okay, okay.

I've had requests to set them off in Indian restaurants.

Yeah, the thing is that they know that you're calling.

I mean, you know what I mean?

then you can do the parking lot

maybe, I don't know

maybe we're in the bathroom

and fireworks go off

yeah, hotel's good because

or casino's good because

it's got a lot of room

they might not hear it, blah blah blah

motherfucker

alright, so

that's what we got here for calls

it might be too late to do this

but we have a guy who's selling

square bale grass hay

we'll try to call this guy

He's a long-legged, pissed-off Puerto Rican.

Open your call.

Please leave a message after the tone.

Damn.

Wow, that went with the music.

You heard that?

...hung on the wall like a painting or placed in its stand like a sculpture.

Shut up.

All right.

Here we go with someone who's got a 1948 Ford for sale.

Ford machine, Ford machine.

Found one on the side of the road.

18th century Europeans thought it was a...

i'm sorry but the person you called has a voice damn next one harley davidson trike

and the 92 for duly

uh dwight you're white what's a duly is it a diesel duly like a dual

cam it just means on the back end of them fuckers they got two wheels

You got like two exhausts?

No, two wheels.

Two wheels on each side down the back.

Oh, wow.

That's a big car.

Go on the voicemail.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voicemail.

Fucking popcorn seeds, man.

Are they getting to you?

Oh, yeah.

I actually threw them.

I don't give a shit.

All of my money's worth.

Here's a round dining table

Someone's got to pick up

Hey, how you doing, boss?

I see you got a round dining table

With an oak pedestal and pine top

Yeah

Okay, you still got that?

Or are you still selling it?

Where are you calling from, sir?

Um, well, I'm here in Rogersville

I just moved here to the area

That's why I'm trying to look for some furniture

Yeah, but where are you calling this time of morning?

Oh, well, I mean

I work from home

and I've just been sitting down for dinner right now, you know?

And, I mean, I operate 24-7 myself.

I call late.

I stay up till late.

I just fall asleep when I fall asleep, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

I'll call you back here in a minute.

You won't call back shit, motherfucker.

You'll help me out right now.

Yeah.

Asshole.

Mm-hmm.

You an asshole chicken yellow belly.

Yeah.

You better sell me that shit, motherfucker, you.

Woke his ass up from porking his wife like old Nashville over there, eh?

Yeah.

Where's the animal?

I'm sorry, the person you were trying to reach has a voicemail box that is not.

Yard sale on Saturday.

No phone number.

Because someone with a three-point hitch cultivator.

Milkman, is that some farming shit?

Cultivator.

Three-point hitch cultivator.

Yeah, three-point hitch cultivator.

I think it kind of like hangs off the side on the back of the tractor.

That's what I think it is.

I guess so.

It's got these little arms that go and make it hang off the back of the side.

A cultivator is a thing you go in between the rows and get the weeds and shit like that out.

Ah, okay.

Okay, so you drag it.

All right, he's looking for one, actually.

Here, let's try that.

Your call cannot be completed at dial.

Oh, not that one.

Please check the number and dial again.

Not with a period in the number.

I've been doing this a lot lately, man.

What's up?

I was going to let you know, too, when you were doing your bunkum arms,

I dropped you a recently opened Planet Fitness.

They might not have been experiencing the issues.

They probably don't have the memo either.

They don't have the memo.

And I gave you the corporate's number too.

You can call the corporate.

Okay.

I'll check that.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

Try my hand.

Oh, God.

Is not available.

At the time, please record your message.

When you've finished recording.

Hung up on the run, dude.

Hung up on Nick, man.

Uh-oh.

I don't have a problem with that.

Better hurry up and call before we get in trouble.

Personality.

Hey, sorry, I hit the wrong hang up.

My fault.

Oh, okay.

What happened?

I hung up on the wrong one. I hung up on you and sipped the other guy.

My bad.

I'm gonna try that cultivator one more time.

Oh my god.

All right, next, moving out of state, yard sale, no phone number, two 100-pound propane

tanks, there you go, happy new year, you can make that work, like those on fire tomorrow,

Alright, hey uh, Dwight

Hey, he's bringing you up in science

Ah

He's played on wax plate

Yeah

I'm sorry, the person you are trying to reach has a voicemail box

Set one of those up like you used to do

I'm sorry, the person you are trying to reach has a voicemail box that has not been set up yet

Please try again

Dammit

Bye

I'm going to try one more of these.

Moving, must sell, 28-foot pontoon boat with a Yamaha motor.

Okay.

Let me change the caller ID.

Let me give it a little caller ID adjustment.

Something a little closer to that.

Maybe that's what's going on.

And then away we go.

It's a period again. Holy shit.

It's been a problem in the last few days.

We're sorry. The party you are trying to reach

is not accepting calls from private numbers.

Please hang up, reverse your number privacy, and try again.

They're not going to private number.

he doesn't really want to sell shit he's had to put that uh ad up for his wife we're not serious

come on well they're going nowhere hey give up let's see you give me a brand new

plan to finish you said right yeah yeah that's correct this is a skype chat thing you did

uh yeah i sent you uh in your gort skype machine not the not the one right now

night hangs lost in space over the long gone century okay let's hit the color id first

scorched earth crust eventually the wind howling like a hammer battering the last

to make the ministry of a blank slate the palace claims mandate it dominates with languid angers

it trains its neck of stone to scan for ramblers eyes on the canvas sculpted in the scene a lonely

Only cloaked figurines seen drifting through the night and clinging tightly to the tiny living...

Okay, and here we go.

A brand new open.

Polana Fitness.

Dwight, can you open it up?

Uh, sure.

Thank you.

Your call cannot be completed as done.

And you're a periodist?

Man, there were two in there.

You don't like periods.

I got it.

Easily fixed.

And trust your chaos

That way I can finish my song

I thank you for calling Planet Fitness

This is Kim, how can I help you?

How you doing Kim, this is Blake Henderson

calling from the Planet Fitness corporate headquarters

here in New Hampshire, how are you?

I'm doing good, thank you, how are you?

Oh we're fantastic, we're working a little bit

of the late night hours here, we're trying to get through

a few bugs in our system

Can you tell me when was the last time

you activated Dave Monk on your watch?

We, the last time we

activated it let me check i believe it was yesterday okay because we haven't gotten a

signal back to our it department in the last 24 to 48 hours saying you've activated it

and we use all of that research for marketing purposes yeah so if you've activated it within

the last 24 hours then we definitely need to get that fixed okay okay i see okay and then uh what

would you recommend for us to do uh well if you could i'm just gonna hand you go ahead and flip

We're going to flick it on for about five seconds here, and we're going to monitor it from back here at the corporate, and just to make sure that we're getting a signal back here.

Okay, so go ahead and do it right now?

Yeah, remember we want five consecutive seconds, just so we can make sure we get a signal.

Okay, so it's going to go on right now.

Thank you.

Okay, yeah, we're getting flickers.

We're getting intermittent issues here, so we're going to have to reset that on our side.

So we're going to need just a couple moments of your time.

Are you very busy at this moment?

I'm sorry?

I said we're just going to need a couple of minutes of your time.

We're going to have to reset your bunk alarm.

I was just wondering if I was going to be able to have you help me out for just a few moments.

Yeah, of course, of course.

Okay, great, great.

All right, what we're going to have to do is we're going to, I've sent some codes to your bunk alarm.

And what we have to do now is a hard reset.

Now, this is going to require you turn the bunk alarm on, and we're going to monitor it from here.

and we have to go from 0% up to 100%.

And once it reaches 100%, I will let you know to shut it off

and then I'll complete the reset on our end

and everything will be taken care of for the IT department

so they can relay that information to marketing.

Okay.

So go ahead and turn that on and stay on the phone with me

so that I can let you know what percentages we are at

and I'll let you know when we hit 100.

Just give me one quick second so I can let my staff know

just in case anyone asks about it, okay?

Okay, go ahead.

what the hell all right i'll call back hang on she might not know how to do the hold yet

yeah i could have been let's hope it's that because they're on point i mean you know

could they know yeah this one uh i don't know when they open but it says it's

man i think we're getting the red ass here in a second i'll let it ring out

it may pull up a different planet fitness somewhere yeah not good okay all right sorry

not saying that you weren't good i'm just saying it didn't work out here's the one

This is in L.A.

I held the record for like 13 minutes.

I got them to do that.

I did a 9 and then I went to 13.

I'm playing fitness.

This is David.

How may I help you?

I'm sorry, you're saying your name was David?

Yes, how may I help you?

Hi, how are you?

This is Blake Henderson.

I'm calling from the corporate office of Planet Fitness here in New Hampshire.

Okay, how may I help you, sir?

I'm sorry, are you able to hear me all right?

I can hear you a little bit, not too strongly, but I can hear you.

Okay, great.

The reason I'm calling is the IT department has tasked us to make contact with a couple of the locations in the region regarding their LUNC alarms.

We've been getting some sporadic behavior from them, and we've been having to replace quite a few of the systems.

So, we were calling to see when the last time that you activated your LUNC alarm because we haven't gotten a signal back here at the IT department in the last 48 hours of you activating that for any time period.

Okay, my management just went downstairs.

I wouldn't notice the last time, but I can get him on the phone if you could just hold up a minute.

Okay, but you yourself have not activated it in the last 24 to 48 hours then?

No, sir.

Okay, great.

It sounds like your lung alarm is one of the ones that was affected also.

We had a batch in this region.

They all went in right around the same time.

And unfortunately, the brushes in the lung alarm are burning out quite frequently.

And they're not sending a signal back here with the IPTC Skynet product that we have on the back.

and we use that information for marketing purposes you know how long

the lunk alarm is activated for how often it's activated and they use that to to kind of target

core audiences on who we want to get to come in and subscribe and things of that nature

correct correct so we just need to go through and just test your lunk alarm quickly to make

sure that everything's on the up and up if it doesn't need to be replaced we of course won't

waste money and replace it uh we'll just do a reset and if a replacement is necessary uh we'll

send out some uh corporate technicians to replace it okay so are you guys going to run some tests

right now on it right yes and we would need you to uh activate the lunk alarm in a series of tests

with us okay okay give me one minute we'll do it one minute there's something about they need to

How are you this evening?

Good, and you, sir?

Good.

As I explained to her, my name is Blake Henderson.

I'm calling from the corporate office of Planet Fitness here in New Hampshire.

We have been having a problem here in the IT department regarding getting a signal from your location with your LUNC alarm.

As I'm sure you know, we use the signal that comes from the LUNC alarm on the amount of time it's activated for

and how frequently it's activated as a marketing tool.

But according to our record, it has been activated within the last 24 to 48 hours.

And I was asking her if she knew when the last time it was activated,

because we have a memo here in the IT department that we had a bad batch of lung alarms actually installed in the region.

And so we're set to actually go through and run tests on multiple locations in the region

and to make sure the quality of the lung alarms that are installed are of Planet Fitness's acceptable standards.

The problem is the brushes are actually burning out,

and that's causing an electrical friction with the device in the back that sends us a signal.

And so we were just letting her know that we were just going to have to run a short little test on it

to make sure that everything is operating properly.

Even though we are not getting a signal, I need to audibly hear it

to make sure that it's actually working, and if that's working,

then we need to send someone out to work on the signal on the back of the device.

So how do you want to test it?

Well, I need somebody to go ahead and just activate the one-click alarm for about five seconds

just so we can monitor it from here and see if we get a signal that connects with us here at the IT department.

That's weird because our corporate office is in New York.

That's incorrect. We're in New Hampshire.

I can put it on for five seconds.

Okay, go ahead and put it on.

There you go.

Okay, I didn't hear it. Is it a ways away from the front desk?

because that's where the problem is where it wouldn't be audible yeah it's very too far okay

now is the sound just is it faint to you does it sound correct i mean because i really did not hear

it and they are rather loud yeah no definitely you can hear it from here okay uh because we

definitely didn't get a signal here and so it looks like we're gonna have to schedule someone

to come out because it appears we got something wrong on the back with the signal machine they

It appears they have an early failure rate, so we're going to have to go ahead and schedule someone out.

When is the owner in?

Do you know?

What was that?

When is the owner in?

The owner doesn't come in.

They routinely will come in to check.

Our general manager, he'll be in on Wednesday.

What was that?

On Wednesday.

All right, well, we need to have some sort of management or ownership in there.

They need to be there for the tech because we do need signatures signaling that everything has been taken care of and they need to authorize work.

All right, so Wednesday would be the best time to reach them.

Wednesday would be the best time to have a tech in.

Do you know approximately what time on Wednesday we would have someone in?

She'll be here 9 to 8.

Does she have big tits?

9 to 8.

I'm sorry, sir?

9 to 8.

Okay, but I heard something else in the background that sounded very inappropriate for an employee of Planet Fitness.

No.

I heard another male employee say something to the effect that she has big tits.

Come on.

Oh, no.

Okay, pal.

You play games?

I think he knows.

He knows.

He plays Atari

You gotta admit, Dwight

There was a day when we could do those calls, man

All day, every day

I know, it just was non-stop

For like a month

It's these kids

It's these kids in the Discord, that's all they do all day now

It's these motherfuckers, man

They do it, and now we can't do it

Are they doing Planet Fitness calls in that month?

Oh yeah

Are they getting them to pop off at least?

I don't know what they're doing

They do the calls, but I don't know what they're doing

because I don't go in there because they're minging.

Minging bastards.

Okay.

Let's see what Boise, Idaho has for us.

Let's take a look.

You should just do a customer survey.

Just do a customer survey.

That's what I was thinking in that last one.

Let's just do a customer survey.

All right.

That's where I was going to go with it.

Customer survey, but this guy's being a dick.

Try that, Dwight.

Take the heat off of me because this one's open 24 hours.

Thank God.

All right.

We're in the call center in India.

We need to do a customer survey.

We are conducting a survey today.

Boise is your home of the potatoes.

The Boise potatoes.

Titer.

World Series champions.

We are currently on the other line or helping another member.

To hold for a staff member, please press 1 or stay on the line.

For help with most questions, go to planetfitness.com.

Thank you for calling the Judgment Free Zone.

The producer said he can send incoming calls.

Please leave a message at zone.

What? What? What?

Bitch.

Whatever.

Not cool.

All right, let me see what else I can find.

Thank you for calling Planet Fitness. This is Josh. Let me help you.

Hey, how you doing there, Josh?

This is Blake Hardy from the Planet Fitness Corporate Headquarters.

How are you?

I'm doing well.

How are you?

I'm doing fine.

Listen, I'm here at Customer Relations, and we're trying to reach our late-night guests

and try to get their input, and we were wondering if we could do the weekly customer survey.

Can you repeat that for me again?

We never get our input from our later guests.

The guests that come in later, we always seem to get the customer surveys from the

people that come in during the afternoon or the midday.

So we're putting on some people here in the call center for a little bit later so we can make contact with people that come in during the late night hours to get their input on our operations.

So we're just wondering if we could do the customer survey tonight with a black or a white card member.

It doesn't matter.

Just get a member and tell them to take it.

If it's a white card member, they will actually be able to get a black card membership free for three months.

and if they are a black card member

they will just get their membership

free for three months

they won't be upgraded like a white card member will be

yeah one second

thank you

real quick they can't hear us

I want to thank everyone who's tuning in tonight

you do the survey

I want to thank everyone who's tuning in tonight

thanks for hanging in there with some sale numbers

we're going to get there

we're just holding here to hopefully

hopefully this guy gets somebody

we can do this

Speaking of this, we got incoming calls coming to you, brother?

Yeah, the first one hung up.

Oh, shit.

I want to thank the horse for that, by the way.

Is that how I should be thanking?

Yeah, thank you, horse.

Thank you, horse.

Carlito or Clint?

This is Blake.

Apparently they couldn't hear us.

Man, no, they couldn't hear us.

No, no, they couldn't hear us.

I guess they couldn't.

How do they know Carlito?

He said Carlito or Clint, but I never took it off of mute.

Let's see what that was about.

Thank you for calling Clint at Fitner.

The phone was ringing on the other end.

I mean, some asshole out there was calling him.

When they heard Slaughter Wayne, they figured it out and called it.

Please, he didn't hear you.

I had it on mute still.

My bad.

Thank you for calling 10 and Finishes.

Josh, I'm happy.

What did they have when they were out, Josh?

Is this Carlito or Clint?

Where did you get that from?

I just need to know if this is Carlito or Clint.

Someone called in and said that?

That Carlito or Clint's calling in?

Is that what it was?

No.

No?

Then where did you get that from?

I just need to know if this is Carlito or Clint.

No, no, no.

Who called in?

Who called in and said that?

What's their name?

I don't know.

No one called.

Where did you get Carlito or Clint from?

I just want to know if this is Carlito or Clint.

No, it's not.

Where did you get that from?

I can't tell you.

Okay, maybe it is Carlito.

Where did it come from?

I heard the phone ringing.

Someone called in and said Carlito and or Clint is calling in.

Right?

Is that what it is?

I don't know.

Tell me.

Come on.

I'm not going to get mad.

If you tell me, I won't get mad.

I just need to know if this is Carlito or Clint.

And what if it is?

I told you it's Carlito.

Okay, it's Carlito.

So what?

What's going to happen?

Okay, so you're a prank caller.

So?

Okay.

And who told you that?

How do you know that?

How do you know?

I don't know.

Come on, man.

It's just friends talking now.

How do you know?

I don't know how I know.

That was it.

Come on.

No.

Do you know about me?

Or was there a memo?

No, I don't know.

Someone just called in on me.

That other call ringing was some asshole, right, that ratted me out, right?

Is that what it is?

No, I just know they just said, ask for Carlito or Quint.

Who said that?

Someone called in.

What did it sound like?

Who are they?

I don't know.

Was it some fucking white boy?

It was a guy.

Yeah, it was a guy, right?

Did he sound white?

He just said, ask for Carly at Overquake.

And that's what I did.

That's all I need to know. Busted.

I know who it was.

Alright, you did the right thing by telling me.

Thank you.

You see how it is?

Yeah.

We haven't come in color?

Yeah, we got some coming in.

against the gloom engulfed in the we're just we just need to get those numbers you know any

problem with that what we have there is the people you know clearly are looking up where

we're calling the men of the jump pervert motherfuckers here the name of the road or

anything they're like you gotta get this muting thing you know like when you're ringing in so

I can't, like, the announcement can't make it out of the air.

It's not easy.

It's hard.

Hello?

Yes, hi, I'm calling from the corporate office.

I'm looking to do a customer survey with a black card or a white card member.

White card members will receive a free upgrade to black card status for 60 days.

Black card members will receive 60 days off of their black card membership.

Is there anyone available I can do a three-question survey with?

Start with that.

I'm calling to do the customer survey with either white card or black card members.

White card members will receive a 60-day credit for black card membership.

Black card memberships will receive a 60-day credit towards their existing black card membership.

Is there a customer that I can speak with, please?

Gym member.

Right now they're working out.

Can you maybe offer them 60 days free black card membership?

All right, give me just a second.

He said it's 60 days free.

60 days for you, sir.

Hello.

Yeah, here you go.

Hello, my name is Cross.

I'm calling with the corporate office in New Hampshire.

I understand, are you a white card member or a black card member yet?

Black card.

Excellent, thank you very much.

I have a five question, approximately five minute survey.

You will receive 60 days credit for your membership dues.

You will not have to pay for the next 60 days, your next two cycles.

Would you be interested in performing the survey with me quickly in between your workout, take a nice break?

Yeah, sure.

Excellent.

First of all, are you your age?

34.

I'm only wearing a shirt.

Yep.

All right.

How often do you visit this location?

Probably about three or four times a week.

Okay.

Could you rate the cleanliness of the location from 1 to 10, 1 being the lowest, 10 being the highest?

What was the question again?

Could you rate your satisfaction with the cleanliness of this location, 1 being the lowest, 10 being the highest?

I'm a 9.

Within the last 30 days, how often have you used the restroom facilities at this location?

Pretty much every trip.

Okay.

Do you shower in this location?

No, I don't.

Okay.

Is there a reason why you do not shower?

No, I just prefer to do it at home.

Okay.

Do you live close enough that you can do it at home?

Yes.

Okay.

Okay. Were you aware of our facilities that we have in the shower?

Our extra amenities that we have there?

No, I haven't been in there.

Okay. We have a great selection of glory holes there for you to use.

You can stick your penis through the wall,

and a man will provide you with oral sex on the other side of the wall to satisfy you.

You've got to be kidding me.

No, no. It's a known thing within the homosexual community.

for the spa-slash-gym experience,

and we're open to that policy.

Have you ever partaken in this?

No, I haven't.

Would you be interested in that?

This isn't real.

He's talking about this glory hole in the bathroom

where you stick your penis in it.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

I mean, I guess you can't hang up.

Yeah.

Oh, my bad.

Customer service, my name is Cross.

How can I help you, asshole?

You can quit calling this number before I turn you over to the FCC.

I can do what I want.

The FCC has no jurisdiction over me.

Are we clear?

Yes, we are.

Okay, good.

That was a good one.

Look at us.

Back-to-back calls there.

There we go.

Finally got one popping, Dwight.

Yeah, and it wasn't even you.

you motherfucker fuck you fuck boy oh no i turned you over to the fpca

milkman what that is is uh dwight and his cronies they have this system that robo calls people like

you know like a spam call a telemarketer thing machine they bought one they bought a telemarketer

machine they plugged it in and they programmed it and everything it takes uh those you know

those punch cards it works with those still yeah so they uh it calls people whenever they want and

they get them to call in and they harass them it's funny it's great stuff the punch card telephone

call machine yeah thank you for calling planet fitness planet fitness if you are a current member

please press one if you are interested in learning more about planet fitness please press two no okay

Okay, let's see if this whole machine, we got some incoming calls, let's see if they connect.

Dwight, you take the Alexa incoming, it's your turn.

Planet Fitness is unique.

We're known as the judgment-free zone, which means we provide a comfortable, non-intimidating atmosphere for everyone to work out in.

We don't cater to bodybuilding or heavy lifting.

Instead, we're here to watch for general fitness.

Thank you for calling customer service, how can I help you?

Why are you calling us at midnight?

Well, my first question to you, man, would be, why not?

Get the damn phone on me again.

I'm asking you to shut the fuck up.

No.

All right, we'll call that place back.

Call it back.

Thank you for calling Planet Fitness.

Please select from the following for more information.

If you are a current member, please press 1.

If you are interested...

Customer service, this is Wett.

How can I help you?

Hello?

Customer service.

Customer service, this is Mr. Wett.

How can I help you?

You motherfucker.

You motherfucker, you.

If you're not talking to me.

You motherfucker

Wasting my fucking time

Motherfucker

Fuck you

I'm gonna call you

Five more times now

Motherfucker

I'm gonna call you

All night

Motherfucker

Yeah

And now you may listen

To a prank call

Thank you for calling

Planet Fitness

Please select from the following

For more information

If you are a current member

Please

Customer service

My name is Clitoris

How can I help you?

Customer service

My name is Clitoris

How can I help you?

Hello?

Hey stupid

Jesus Christ

All right.

This is Planet Fitness.

Thank you for calling.

Who the fuck is calling?

Good morning.

Planet Fitness, this is Mason.

How may I help you?

Mason, hi.

My name is Valente.

I'm calling from the corporate office in New Hampshire.

How are you tonight?

I'm great.

How are you?

Pretty good.

Thank you for asking.

It's been a long night.

How have you been doing there?

Things busy?

I mean, it's all right right now.

We have people in the gym right now, but I don't work day shifts.

I only work night shifts.

I mean, apparently it was kind of busy today, you know, a typical Monday.

Yeah, okay, cool.

Excellent, excellent.

excellent um we need to do a reset of the breaker system to activate the generator that was

installed last week um do you have access where the do you know where the light breakers are the

power breakers let me let me see do you know where the power bricks are at the power breakers that

they have to reset something that's a reset the generator or something i'm assuming i mean that

in the back storage room right

um let me see oh yes there's a breaker right here over here by our massage chairs okay but i mean

is that the breaker i mean it's it's a large breaker the breaker panel with all the different

switches for all the different connections the light connections the different lights and sockets

and all that like you would have in your house breaker panel yes i think this is this is all them

okay yeah um okay well this actually go ahead all right that this that actually might be the

breaker for the um the black cart the black card room i'm gonna go in this in the back storage room

and see if there's a main breaker in there probably should be there yes sir according to

my schematics that's correct thank you you guys busy right now uh have we been busy yeah corporate

office oh yeah yeah we we get um printouts here basically every night of uh issues with uh

connectivity um so we we have to call to resolve them usually during the week and it's a holiday

day weekends it's insane yeah okay yes i am in front of well there's a lot of stuff going on

back here but i see two big uh gray breaker boxes okay but there's also like a main uh black box

that's uh says uh s-i-e-n-e-s like the security system i guess is what it is yeah yeah we don't

simon simon simons yeah simons yeah we don't need to worry about the simon system we're more

concerned is with the two breaker box the breaker boxes you saw before that that you mentioned

before that. The generator's already activated. I'm looking right in front of them.

Okay, excellent. The generator's already activated. In order to get this

fixed, I need you to just count, just let me know as you're

flipping them, you're going to flip them all off and then all back on

and just let me know like one, two, three as you flip them down. I'm watching

here on the panel. Actually, let me pull it up here. There we go. Okay, I'm watching here on the panel.

If you can just go ahead and start that now. Yes, there's actually a couple

a couple of ladders in the way hold on okay no problem thank you okay okay there's two breakers

um the one on the left is numbered from 1 to 30 and the one on the right is also number one from

30 okay it's 1 to 30 but actually i take that back the one the left one is is all 30 okay and

the one on the right only goes to 19 all 30 and then up 1 through 19 okay excellent that matches

everything perfect there if we're going to start with the 1 through 30 first if you just flip them

them off going one through 30 and let me know as you hit them i need you to go all the way through

one through 30 and then one through 19 okay and then you're going to wait um you're going to wait

about 60 seconds and then flip them all back on in the same order and just go ahead one i just

turned off one one and really quick you can just do a quick list i'll take up a lot of your time

1, 2, 3, 4, you know.

3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28.

And the bottoms here are just empty, so it's really a 28 set.

Okay, all right.

And the next, the last one, go ahead.

ahead. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, and 19. Okay and I hear the

sounds like the music's still going there. Yeah the music is still going but the security system's

going on and off. Okay that's fine no problem real quick. Before you turn those back on can

you verify that all the machines are still running then? They should be. Yes let me see

They're still running.

Oh, good.

The generator worked.

Was anyone working out?

Yes, there is a lady on a bike right now.

Okay.

Can you ask her to stop her workout, please?

Yes.

Let me tell her real quick.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Just a second.

I guess the corporate's calling right now, and they're trying so much.

Okay.

We got it.

And then go ahead and tell her to pull down her pants and her panties and her breasts.

Bring them out for me to see.

Again?

Go ahead and ask her to pull down her pants and panties

and ask her to pull out her breasts so that you can see them.

I'm definitely not going to do that.

Okay, good.

Okay, well, I mean, this is a good opportunity to tell.

I wasn't going to tell anybody.

Go ahead and turn back all those breakers in the same order, please.

He can't hear us now.

I was really hoping that there was going to be someone on that treadmill

and it was going to shut it off and the guy would go.

Do you want me to turn all of them back on?

Are there any more breakers there at all?

Besides the ones in the Blackheart Spa.

Go ahead and turn that off.

We're going to do those two real quick.

Something's not right here.

I'm sorry.

I was just kidding with the pants and panties thing.

You know, I'm sorry.

I get a little goofy here sometimes.

Are you there?

Can you hear me?

Yes, I'm there.

It was just very unprofessional.

I know.

I was just joking.

I'm sorry.

That was rude.

Please don't tell anybody.

All right.

These off now.

6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11.

11 there goes the phone

He hit the VoIP shit, yeah, but there's just some some broad on a fucking bike that sucks

I just I want to get it one day where I get people the

He stayed in there after I did the pants and panties thing

That was surprising.

How are we doing on incoming calls, everybody?

Yeah, they can start rolling in again.

We were putting them on hold while they were speaking.

All right, we're good.

We're good.

We can take some more.

Thank you.

I accept calls.

I'm going to call him back.

I'm going to be back.

I'm going to marry him.

You're muffled, Milkman.

You're muffled.

Oh, I see.

You're going to call him and tell him you're thinking about it?

I'm going to give him a few minutes.

Let him turn him back on, hopefully.

Oh, okay.

He's going to know.

he's like that was very unprofessional but he was giving me he was giving me a pass

customer service my name is sauce i'm gonna help you yes i've been getting a call from julie

three times in the last uh 45 minutes it's 12 uh 43 here in new mexico and i do not appreciate

these calls please can you tell me how to stop them did you was who's calling you julie julie

did you talk to juliet about this situation no no i did not how can i call her um and she's here

but she's making phone calls right now did you want to talk to her you know hang on hang on

This is an automated thing.

It's not a real...

Okay.

No, she says that she sounds like robotic,

because she does the same call every time.

You want to talk to her supervisor?

I could put you through to her supervisor.

Oh, fine.

Anything to stop these calls.

Okay.

His name is Homosexual.

Here he is.

I'm getting a little slippery nipple.

Can I help you?

Yes, I've been getting automated calls

the last 45 minutes, I'd like to have them stop.

It's the middle of the night, and what do I do to have them stop?

You want them to stop?

Yes.

Okay.

I want you to go ahead and place your left arm in the air.

You'll put your left hand on top of your head,

and then you will rub your tummy with your right hand,

and then repeat after me.

Are you ready?

Yeah, I'm ready.

Okay.

Are you patting your head and rubbing your tummy?

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay. Say, Julie, please stop calling me. I'm tired of this shit.

Julie, please stop calling me. I'm tired of this.

You forgot to say shit.

This. Stan, what kind of calls are these?

Well, it's a legitimate business, ma'am, so if you want the calls to stop, I have to end this recording for Julie.

So please pat your head and rub your tongue and say, Julie, please stop calling me. I'm tired of this shit.

Ha ha. Ha ha.

customer service my name is milkman how can i help you customer service this is milkman how

can i help you customer service my name is milkman motherfucker how can i help you

they just wanted to listen they hung up already

we'll wait for some more of them those are fun i'm having fun again uh dwight you did it man

you did it you came through you and horse came through where is everybody all the other guys

All the malarkey, where are they they don't want to help me and everyone to help me those guys

Coattail, you know who's given and then everyone to help me they never nice. They don't ever call say hi. Oh you

Okay

Let's see what we're scrounged up here in the meantime as far as numbers are concerned

earned uh i'm gonna tell you what we got some good ideas starting to float around for calls

and mass confusion season two if you haven't yet search for calls and mass confusion on youtube

subscribe watch all the videos like uh and thumb you know thumbs up them and share them and

subscribe to the channel customer service my name is malarkey how can i help you stop calling after

midnight um i have no control over when the computer calls was there did you get a phone

phone call just now or are you calling in huh she just wanted to let that be known call her back

uh dashy call her like 10 times for that that's what she deserves for that

jesus anyway i was looking for a number here let's see let's look up some more fitnesses

i want to make people on treadmills go tripping and falling

i want them to get broken heads and necks and arms and then they get hurt really bad

Why don't

That was a lie guys

Don't believe that

The Prime Minister of France

Is an asshole

This is a closed one, this one is a 24 hour one.

Some are 24 hours, some aren't, it just depends on the market that they're serving.

The ones in the ghetto maybe don't want to be open 24 hours.

I got a friend

The way he used to hook up

Hello?

Thank you for calling Planet Fitness

My name is David

How may I help you?

David, how am I?

Hi, how you doing?

My name is Enoch

I'm calling from corporate office here in Oregon

And looking to see if I could get a customer survey going here

It upgrades a white card member to a black card status for 60 days

Or it offers a black card member 60 days free

Are anyone available that I can speak with?

They're assholes

They're like asshole motherfuckers

Tell you what, can you sound the alunk alarm real quick on them?

Yeah, man

They're in violation

Oh, no, they're not doing anything wrong

Well, if they don't want to cooperate, can you ask them, please?

Thanks

Well, he'll get six months free

Then you would get six, yeah

Customer service, this is Horace

How can I help you?

Horace, I don't appreciate getting called

Shut up, you guys.

Shut up.

Hello?

Yes.

Sorry, I got another call on the other line.

I don't appreciate getting calls from you guys at 1 o'clock in the morning.

Well, you're an old puta.

Shut up.

You're an old crow.

Shut up, you old bitch.

Supervisor.

Supervisor, sure.

I'll put you through to Mr. McClanahan in just a moment.

Or Mr. Meningitis.

One of the two.

I don't know.

Hang on, you old broad, you old bitch.

Oh, she hung up.

Hello, sir.

You there?

Plan finished?

Yeah.

Yeah, did you get that, remember?

Yeah, man, no, you didn't want...

Oh, okay, whatever.

Yeah, because you heard the call, the other call that was coming in.

Yeah.

All right.

You didn't have to be like that.

There were two of them, you said?

Did you ask the other one?

Yeah, one was his guest.

Okay, all right, whatever.

Okay, I'm going to have to write you up, then.

All right, I'll help you out.

Asshole, motherfucker, dude, what's your name?

My name is David, as if I've been inappropriate in any way.

All right, and how big are your sexual organs?

I don't feel as if that's important to anyone.

Oh, it is to me, because I'm sexually important, and I'm sexually attracted to your voice.

Well, thank you.

I appreciate that.

However, I don't feel like this is...

I'm masturbating right now.

All right, well, I'm going to let you go.

Oh!

Okay.

Damn it, I wanted to get her to...

Customer service, this is...

Ooh, how can I help you?

Fuck you.

Don't call me anymore.

Hey, motherfucker, shut up, you white motherfucker, you.

I'm a white motherfucker.

that's what that was about

alright

I'm sorry to my white listeners

to say this

but you deserve it

because you gotta say

a lot of shit about us

Hispanics

a lot

Hispanics

now it's so cool

to say Hispanics

it's not disrespectful

at all to me

All right, we got one coming in, it looks like.

Yeah, let's do it.

Yep.

Customer service, my name is Rox.

How can I help you?

Why did you call me at midnight?

Why didn't you guys call us at night?

I didn't call you.

The computer called you, sir.

But can I...

Then why in the hell would you have a computer call somebody at midnight?

It's not my computer.

This is an old computer that runs on punch cards.

Did you want to talk to the computer?

You need to take me off that.

You need to calm down, first of all.

If you want to get taken off, I can put you through the computer department,

or you can just be rude and keep getting a good call.

What do you want?

Nobody's being rude to you, pal.

I mean, if I was rude, you'd know it.

Okay, guy, I'm going to put you through to Mr. Meningitis,

and don't give me any lip.

Fuck you, you goddamn piece of shit.

Fuck you.

Ten more calls tonight.

10 more random calls in the next 4 hours

Fuck you

Yeah, you get shit

You get shit

Wait, don't sleep tonight, motherfucker

You

Customer service, my name is Eddie

How can I help you?

Customer service, how can I help you?

Speak up, you old fuck

Customer service, old man

How can I help you?

Customer service, asshole

How can I help you?

Hey, dick, make him talk, guys

Guys, come on, make him say things.

That guy was certain.

He said, oh, no, no problem, pal.

Guys, well, fuck you.

Nobody's being, fuck you.

Yo.

Whoa, guys.

Hey, customer service, what do you need?

Hello.

Wait on the next one, no problem.

I'll keep looking for Planet Fitnai to call.

Let's find another city here in the United States.

24-hour one.

Here we go.

Let's do it.

It's sinking, by the way.

Thank you.

Can't stop coughing.

You're calling Planet Fitness.

This is Chris Allen.

May I help you?

Hi, Chris.

I'm calling from the corporate office in New Hampshire.

How are you tonight?

Yes, sir.

I'm doing good.

I'm sorry I ran all the way from the back.

Oh, that's okay.

No problem.

It's Planet Fitness.

You're allowed to run.

All right.

I got my cardio in just now.

Thank you.

There you go.

How are you doing, sir?

I'm good.

Thank you.

you um we're going to do our corporate survey here um do you have any uh members or we can talk

to white card members to get six months of free black card membership black card members will get

six months free all together anyone we can talk to for a quick five questions six minute survey

average okay you're wanting to talk to some members or you want to talk to me

oh if we could talk to a member they'll get uh they get a free six month upgraded black card

membership if they don't have one already existing existing black card members will become uh will

get their dues paid for the next six months okay okay um so uh anybody's here i can go then yes

yes you can and put them on it's a five question six minute survey okay and uh how do they do the

hello yeah i'm sorry we had a phone problem it's my fault i'm sorry yeah oh okay i'm sorry uh so

So how do they do the survey?

They answer questions right now on the phone.

Oh, right now?

Yeah, you just put them on.

Oh, okay.

I do have some people here, so do I just put them on the phone or do I talk to them myself?

Yeah, that's right.

Ask if it's okay and put them on the phone.

Oh, well, that's easy enough, huh?

Okay.

Can you hold for a moment, sir?

Sure.

Okay, what was your name again?

I'm so sorry.

My name is Eddie.

Eddie?

Eddie, okay.

Eddie, hold on, please.

Okay?

Okay, thank you.

Thank you.

Customer service, how can I help you?

you can stop calling 12 30 and one o'clock at night why why because i have to sleep no you don't

can you provide a doctor so that you need to sleep can you provide a doctor so that you need to sleep

huh you can't can you so you shut up okay you're stupid do you understand me what i said

and we are waiting uh it played on the planet fitness incoming audio for a second there

She may have heard me.

I'm hoping she's just trying to get a hold of someone, hopefully.

Here we go.

Hey, Eddie, this is Chris again.

Hey, Chris.

Yes, I'm here.

Hey, okay, I have two members here, and they're both Black Card members.

And did you say that there was a special for them, too, or no?

Yes, there is.

Six months free.

The next six months are paid.

Okay, all right, hold on just a second.

I'll get Steven for you.

Okay, hold on.

Mr. Meningitis, can you take one of these?

Thank you for calling customer service.

What are you doing calling people at 1 o'clock in the morning?

This is customer service. Can I help you?

Hello, is anybody there?

I'm waiting for them to come back in.

This is customer service. Can I help you?

Customer service.

Hey, Eddie, this is Steven, one of our members.

You ready?

Yes, go ahead. Put Steven on.

All right. Thank you.

Hey, hello, Steven. How are you doing?

Pretty good.

Great. My name is Eddie.

I'm in the corporate office in New Hampshire.

Not sure if you knew where our corporate office was.

Oh, okay. I didn't know that.

Yep, starting to end up your workout.

It's a good time for a nice time for a good hydration break if you get a chance.

Calling for a five-minute quick survey.

It takes about six minutes, and you'll be able to get back to your workout,

and you will get six months free off your Black Card membership.

You won't have to pay for six months, half a year.

Really?

Yeah.

Really?

What's the catch?

Nothing, just answer five questions for me.

We love you as a customer.

Oh, really?

Cool.

Well, that sounds good.

All right, so can I get your age, please?

My age?

48.

Let me make a note of that here in a computer machine.

All right, 48 years old.

All right.

How often do you come to this location on average, you would say, every week, every seven days?

This location, five, four to five times a week.

Oh, good, good.

You've got a good workout routine.

How long do you usually spend on an average stay?

30, 60, 90 minutes?

Probably an hour and a half, at least an hour and a half, yeah, about an hour and a half.

All right.

How would you rate the cleanliness of this location on a scale of 1 to 10?

1 the lowest, 10 the cleanest?

Oh, it's 10.

It's 10.

It's clean.

It's what I like to hear.

Okay.

How often do you use the restroom facilities at this location?

Every time I come.

Okay.

All right.

Do you shower here?

No, I do not shower here, no.

Okay.

Is there a reason why?

No, no, never.

Remember, I don't want to have to haul the extra, you know, shampoo and all that stuff in here, you know.

Okay, all right.

Were you aware of our amenities that we have in the shower?

We have glory holes in there you can stick your penis in,

and a man will suck and kiss on your penis.

I didn't know about that.

They'll ejaculate you.

Really?

Yeah, would you consider yourself a topper or a bottom?

What?

Are you serious?

Yes, would you consider yourself a topper?

I asked to speak to a homosexual, um, member.

Okay, you got the...

Well, you're listed as homosexual on your account.

Oh, I, I, I think that's you.

I think you don't need to say that, sir, and there's nothing wrong with being homosexual.

Well, tell me about glory holes and this and that, you know, you can fuck off.

Well, hey, buddy, this is part of the homosexual community.

Well, hey, that ain't me. You're talking to the wrong motherfucker right here.

Okay, well, I'm just asking for the fucking question. You don't need to get like that.

Well, no, you're, you know, you're offending me, you know?

Talk about glory holes and shit like that, man.

Don't talk that shit to me.

You don't stick your dick in the hole in the stall to get your dick sucked and get ejaculated?

Well, that's what you do, motherfucker.

Motherfucker, I don't do that.

I don't go to the gym.

I just work in the corporate office.

Well, you can do that shit in the corporate office and stick up your fucking ass.

I don't do shit.

You know what?

Get the fuck out of my place.

What?

You get the fuck out and you don't come back.

You're canceled.

I'm canceling you right now, as a matter of fact.

Well, cancel me then.

Canceled.

Good.

Canceled.

Get your ass out of there.

I don't want to ever see you there again.

If we catch you there again, we're calling the police.

Customer service.

This is Cross.

How can I help you?

Customer service.

How can I help you?

She's going to sit there.

All right.

It's fun.

Is this person going to talk?

No.

Okay.

We got a new one coming in yet?

Maybe.

Customer service.

My name is Lou.

How can I help you?

It is 1 o'clock in the morning.

Shut up.

I don't need the time.

Take me off your fucking list.

I'll put you through the fucking Dwight McClanahan and do that.

How about that, stupid?

Really?

You heard me.

You said fucking first to me.

I say whatever the fuck I want now.

And I'll call you ten more times in the next four hours if you don't shut up.

And don't be smart at the mouth of me, missy.

Okay.

Don't fuck with me.

You'll get more phone calls.

You're stupid.

You can't hang up on me.

You're stupid.

Stupid, you don't know how to hang up the phone, you stupid.

Stupid.

Okay, Dwight, take the next one.

You've been quiet for a while.

What's going on there?

Oh, shit, Jason.

Jason, this could mean only one thing.

Oh, you're playing the Friday the 13th game again?

He's after me.

I thought you were playing that stupid witch game or whatever.

No, no, he's trying to kill me.

He spent five bucks on that stupid game, and then you guys abandoned me.

You didn't let me teach me anything.

God's not about fear.

I didn't beat him with a bat?

Yeah, whatever.

Pay attention.

The next one is yours.

Thank you for calling Planet Fitness.

This is Chris.

How can I help you?

Hi, Chris.

This is Eddie.

I was just on the line doing a survey, and we got disconnected.

Any idea what might have happened there?

I do believe that you offended one of my customers.

He offended me, and I offended myself.

How were you presenting the question, sir?

He said F-U-C-K to me.

Okay.

And what did you say to him in reference to that?

The question I ask is how often does he use the restroom facilities there?

Yes, sir.

And then I ask him how aware he was of our amenities.

Shut up, woman.

Then I ask him how...

Fuck you.

Don't tell me to shut up.

Hey, shut up, I said.

I said fuck you.

I said you shut up.

I'm talking to the Chris right now.

I don't give a shit who you're talking to.

I'm talking to Chris right now, and I'm helping her out.

You shut up.

You can suck my ass because I'm not going to shut up.

No, thank you, fat bitch.

You idiot called me at 1 in the fucking morning, so you shut the fuck up.

You fat fuck.

What do you want?

You want to get taken off the list?

Yeah, that's why I'm fucking on hold.

Okay.

I'm a woman.

I can't control my emotions.

Menzies.

No, you're calling at 1 in the morning, you fucking dumbass.

Menzies, Menzies, Menzies.

I'm going to put you through to Dwight McClanahan.

He'll take care of your female request.

Just a moment, please.

Good, dickhead.

Good, bitch.

Fuck you.

Cunt.

This is my service.

How can I help you?

Hi.

I was just put on hold from some representative of yours that's over here.

They called me.

You guys called me at this one in the morning where I'm at.

I hit the option to be taken off your list, and all of a sudden I have this asshole on the other line.

Oh, my language, please.

My language, please.

And a bunch of bullshit.

Hmm?

Let's please keep this professional with the language.

You might want to talk to your employees about being professional.

Well, I'll review.

I stayed on hold.

I'll review the tape.

No problem.

But what else can I help you with, ma'am?

What exactly was I saying?

I'm trying to get off your list, and the guy who answered in the first place was a total asshole,

and I was actually listening to his conversation with someone else, and he was fighting with him.

Okay, so this is obviously something I need to review.

Yeah, I don't even know what's going on, because I will push the number two button to get off the list,

because I don't appreciate phone calls at one in the morning.

I don't even know who you guys are, but I'm like, what the heck?

and he starts telling me, calling me a bitch and telling me I'm a dumbass female

and he's fighting with another girl on another line.

I was sitting there listening to them.

And then he tells me, oh, wait, I'll put your stupid ass on to you,

whatever, I forgot whatever your name is.

He told me he was transferring me.

And I'm like, really?

Wow.

So I cussed him out.

So this was repeat behavior is what you're saying?

I've never even talked to the person.

And all of a sudden, I was on the line, and I'm like, hello, hello, and he's telling me, shut the fuck up.

I'm like, excuse me?

I'm trying to get off your list, and you're cussing at me.

I'm sorry, did you comply?

Why would I comply?

No one's going to tell me to shut the fuck up.

I just need to be off the list.

Well, I just need to know how the events went.

I'm documenting these.

Shut the fuck up.

Oh.

Oh, cross.

I'll handle this.

I'll handle it.

And so, were you going to redeem your gift, or?

No, I'm trying to get off your list.

I don't want to be, like, ever again.

I've already gotten, like, six phone calls from you guys,

and when I try calling you back, it's a number that's not even in service.

Okay, yeah, that just doesn't sound right.

It sounds like you may just be in the middle of menopause or something,

and your brain's not working correctly.

You're a fucking moron, too.

Well, no, ma'am, this is the science, the science.

Customer service, can I help the next person in line?

Next person in line?

6-0-3-7. Go ahead.

Cooperative. Call Chris back.

Well, this motherfucker over here stays on the phone and doesn't say shit like an asshole.

I'm playing a fitness.

This is Chris.

Hello, can I help you?

I'm going to put you through to my supervisor, Chris, because now I'm in big trouble over

something that I don't know exactly what's going on.

Okay, Eddie.

Okay, put me through to your supervisor, please, sir.

All right, thank you.

Thank you.

Hi, this is Greg, supervisor on duty.

Yes, sir.

Yes, I heard that there was an altercation between Eddie and yourself.

Is this correct?

Correct. Who was this? Eddie and the person he was interviewing for the customer survey.

Okay, sir, what is your name, sir?

I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you.

I'm sorry, what is your name, sir?

My name's Greg.

Greg, and your last name, sir?

Peterson.

Peterson, okay. And what part of the corporate are you located at?

We're located in New Hampshire.

What is your phone number there? New Hampshire?

Mm-hmm.

It's called Grant Corporate.

Corporate, okay. And your phone number, sir?

Okay, hold play, sir.

Customer service.

Yes.

Can I please put you in touch with the manager for the morning?

Her name is Laura, and she can help you out with the problem that you just had.

So you'd like me to make contact with Laura in the morning then?

Yes, sir.

That would be –

Okay.

Yes, sir.

Thank you.

No problem.

I can do that.

Thank you, sir.

Bye.

Customer service, my name is Ass.

How can I help you?

Customer service, my name is Ass.

How can I help you?

Yes, I want this phone number to quit calling my house.

they've called like six times in 45 minutes i'm getting pretty i want a blue-eyed married

blonde to suck my dick right now but that's not gonna happen well you sound like an ugly

prick anyway no i got a nice pretty penis you got a pretty penis yeah mary

you got more incoming possible yes we do meningitis a man dr men mr men has to do one

Come on.

I'm here.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Come on.

Show them how it's done.

I just like the guy who was like,

oh, no, I'm not trying to be, you know,

I was trying to be nice, guy.

Well, fuck you.

It didn't take much.

I'm sure, dude, it's a great block.

If we got any more incoming,

I'm going to wait for like one or two more.

Yeah, we do have some more incoming.

incoming we'll give it a few more incoming and we're gonna call it a night no more dialing just

just an update uh jason hacked me with the machete but uh i had spray i had some uh some spray and

it healed me and i beat the shit out of him with a bat and uh i did some maneuvering i escaped from

i escaped camp crystal lake fuck that lady wait a minute what kind of spray

The first day is free.

I just ran for burns while apparently

it heals like machete hacks

like three inches wide on you.

Nice.

And I sprayed myself

and then I picked up a pipe wrench

and I fucking cracked him with that

and I shot him with a shotgun and I ran.

Did you kill him? Or did you just get away from him?

No, no, no. I couldn't kill him. The cops showed up

and I ran to the cops and I said,

Get me the fuck out of here!

Oh man, you look at the shooting.

You look at your character as a black man.

Yeah, you know, I got a black character.

I look at myself, I pull my privilege card, and I was like, do you accept this?

But then, again, if you're a black character, as long as you keep your eyes and mouth closed, Jason can't see you.

Oh, shit, I'm Jason now.

Yeah!

So I'm about to fucking die.

Oh, shoot, incoming call. I can't kill right now. Incoming call.

I was offered that game on the fucking server.

Oh, no.

Can I help you?

That was the worst service.

This is Jimbo.

Can I help you?

Are you following nothing of what's going on?

These are people just getting a robocall.

Here we go.

Thank you for calling customer service.

This is Mr. Tuberculosis.

Can I help you?

Hello?

Nah.

Don't worry, Mr. Tuberc.

There'll be more.

I went to the sun, got up on flight.

I'm holding an alibi.

That was the worst service, asshole.

Say something.

I'm afraid of a conviction that he wouldn't die for fiction's depiction.

Thank you for calling to redeem your offer.

This is Mr. Tuberculosis.

Can I help you?

Hello?

Yes.

Stop calling my house.

What took you so long to respond to my introduction?

I said quit calling my home.

No, I know what you said.

It's the middle of the night, and you just keep ringing my phone.

I hit two, and you just keep calling here.

Knock it off.

Are you okay?

The good ones are the ones that know

You can at least try to work it out

All I want to know is why did they all die

I'm dead dialing, I'm dead dialing

Well, I want to thank everyone who tuned in tonight.

Thank you very much.

And AllSite.com.

AllSite.com.

Customer service, my name is Horace.

How can I help you?

Yes, Horace, fuck your mama, whatever.

Stop calling people at 3.30 in the morning

You understand

I got people visiting from Europe

And you are fucking waking everybody up

At 3.30 in the morning

You got a bunch of Jews over there

Don't you talk to me like that

Man go fuck you

Fuck your mama

Go fuck all of you

Cause that's all you people do

Fuck each other

That's why you got time

All you people do is hide in the attic

Customer service my name is Cross

Ross, how can I help you?

Do you know what time it is?

I'm nine o'clock, so why don't you tell me, Mr. Stupid?

Hey, shithead, it's one o'clock in the morning.

You're a shit for brains.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Well, don't call this fucking number again, asshole.

What are you going to do about it, motherfucker?

All right.

Daggone, man.

What is your number posted as?

Is that time service?

You know what time it is?

That's been going on forever, Bill, Ben.

You know that, though.

Do you know what time it is?

It's just your bread.

Do you know what time it is?

No, tell me, Big Ben, what time it is.

Yeah, please, tell me, Mr. Clark.

I think that was a Dwight thing.

Did you come up with that?

No, that was Mr. Ronan Jonas.

Mr. Clark.

Here's Jim Bob's.

I've done it.

What the hell do you want?

Customer service.

My name is Dwight McClanahan.

I'm a janitor.

I'm stupid.

How can I help you?

Use my name and shit.

Oh, sorry.

That was rude.

Lies.

more more I want more

give me more

let's go

pick up the phone

I can't stop doing these

they're so much fun

so I did a show

like maybe two weeks ago

and I called a number

and it was the same exact message

that you guys were using for this thing

where this thing at

Thank you for calling customer service.

Can I help you?

Take me off your goddamn call list.

It's 2 o'clock in the morning here.

We don't have a goddamn list.

Are you done?

We don't have a goddamn list.

It's just a regular list.

Take me off of it.

But we don't have a goddamn list, though.

Like, you want to be removed from the goddamn list,

but there is no list called goddamn.

Take me off your call list.

The call list?

Okay.

Is the last three numbers of 484? Yeah. Okay. We're a union shop

We don't work for free here. So what do you offer in return for a removal?

Okay

So success means they hit the option to come through, right?

Is that what that is?

So the six means that they pressed the removal button or any other button except the one.

And if they press one, it shows up number four at the very beginning.

Let me explain that better.

At the very beginning of the number that Dwight is adding in here, if it's a four, it means that they want the offer.

If it's a six, they press some other button.

Customer service, my name is Kulo.

How can I help you?

Please do not call this number again.

Thank you.

Uh, well, wait a minute.

I need to process you, sir, or I can't remove you.

Oh, yes, you can.

Well, I can process you and remove you.

That's how I can.

Not how you come up.

How about I go over there and come up and fuck your ass, you stupid fucking faggot?

How about you fuck yourself and get more phone calls and stupid shit?

Whatever.

Shit.

You don't get shit from me, motherfucker, you.

You don't get shit.

I see a lot of them join in and they don't.

I mean, that's just a thing.

They hang up before it gets a chance to do anything.

Customer service, my name is Smell.

How can I help you?

I'd like to be taken off your call list since it's 1.30 in the morning where I'm at.

Okay, but...

And I don't appreciate your call every five minutes.

Can you just give us another chance?

No.

Please?

Who calls at 1.30 in the morning for a goddamn call?

A computer does, not me.

It's not my fault.

Well, then, why don't you fix your computer?

Why don't you stop telling me what to do, asshole?

Fuck you.

No, no fucking, no.

Nothing like that.

You're disgusting.

Seriously, I don't need that.

Two more, two more, two more.

We can do this.

See if we can get some more here.

Customer service, how can I help you?

You better quit calling me.

How about no, asshole?

Okay.

Jeez.

Road.

Jesus.

All right.

This will be our last one.

This is a success.

We got a success now.

We'll see.

This will be our last one.

That's enough.

Thank you, everyone, for joining.

I will take this one, if you don't mind.

No, there's another one.

We'll take two more.

Two more.

Thank you, too.

This is the last one.

Come on.

Good.

Me too.

Nobody does it better.

Dog, and I got the sickle cell, and I die from it like prodigy.

I don't think it's going to happen, guys.

Well, last call.

Let's do it.

I hate that Masterson voice.

voice eddie garcia imitating my friend from high school i think that's it as long as it

was 59 minutes 58 seconds one zero five hours all right that's it i'm out of here guys i can't do

thank uh dwight mcclanahan for joining and mr meningitis for joining thank you no you're

You're welcome, Dwight.

You got a show tomorrow?

Yes, three words.

10 p.m. Eastern?

Yes, 10.

Customer service, this is Jim Bob.

How can I help you?

Hello?

This is Jim Bob, motherfucker.

How can I help you, asshole?

All right.

Yeah.

I hung up on him.

All right, so big show tomorrow, Mr. Dwight?

10 p.m. Eastern.

All right, we're excited about that.

Mr. Meningitis has a big show coming right after this one.

I'm excited to hear that.

No, I know you're not.

I'm kidding.

All right.

You've been doing good stuff, though.

Thank you.

Good work.

Thanks to the horse for hooking us up with incoming numbers.

I appreciate it.

Good job, guy.

That's funny.

It's good.

Gentlemen, I relieve you.

Good night.

Bye-bye.

Night.

All right.

Milkman, take us out of here, man.

Ah, man.

All right.

There you go.

Another entertaining episode of the Madhouse right here.

We do it every chance we get right here in your earmuffs.

We do it for free.

We ask to bring a friend or marry a freaking enemy because they're always welcome right here.

I couldn't do it without our fearless leader, the Air Muggy.

All right.

Thank you so much, man.

I'm looking forward to it.

I want to thank our numbers hitman, Lonesome Loser, also, for being here tonight.

Not.

Oh, I was going to say, if I missed out on one.

No, he wasn't right.

He wasn't right.

But I've got to reach out to him.

I've got to reach out to him.

I had a feeling.

It didn't matter to me if I had to check.

He was a real man.

All right, Milkman, it was good having you back on.

We're going to keep doing this like we did old times.

Yeah.

It was fun.

Thank you.

Thank you here, Mr. Jim.

Ballberry, you did pretty fine here for our summer service and such.

I hope you had fun.

Did you have a good time?

Yeah, I did, man.

Good.

Yeah, man, it was great.

I haven't done that in a long time.

That's what I needed.

Good.

All right.

welcome surprise all right well we'll let nate dog everybody out there enjoy it i'm going to love it

i had a chance to catch this is really good i hope you had a chance to catch it oh yeah it's a good

show i do too and i thought it was a good show it's not then then you'll have to hear us in the

rerun until the next we'll get you next time until next time that's right yeah we'll uh we're

gonna let nate dog and warren g take us out of here we'll continue this song and i'll be here i

I guess for our 12-year anniversary show, I believe it'll be in two weeks.

I'll get a Facebook post out there with the time, the date, date and time.

Milkman and I will work it out.

We'll do it.

We're going to do it.

I appreciate it.

Just do it, man.

We'll get it back to them.

Hell, yeah.

We'll let everybody know that way they can all join us.

I'd definitely like to have them around.

That would be fantastic.

All right.

I'll talk to you soon, Milkman.

See you later.

All right, brother.

Talk to you soon, man.

Nobody does it for that time.

I'm sitting here tripping.

My mind is blocked.

Nate, dog, just did it.

So it's time.

See you, cop.

No one can do it better like this two-man crew.

They say we one-hitted quitters.

Now what y'all gonna do?

Always in the second half.

Let me hear you, dog.

Calls (46, 2 h 16 min of 4 h 7 min)

Transcript

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