Madhouse Radio 12 Year Anniversary Show

What did you just say to me?

I do not have a wife.

Why don't you go and glue yourself?

Do what?

You cannot bathe in our bathroom.

I'm sorry.

What the fuck did you just say?

You got a big mouth.

I tell you what, for somebody who don't know somebody,

you're just one of them old phone boys over there

who wants to run his fucking mouth,

and when a man comes up to your face,

you're a goddamn chicken shit bitch,

that's what you are.

Guess what, I'm going to track this motherfucker

and come find your ass

and give you something else other than that.

Hey, hey, hey.

Don't fucking play with me, man.

Come on, I just, I'm desperate.

I'm not playing no fucking games, man.

I, I, fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making us do the cutting.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all my life long.

You're not perfect.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

Maybe a 54?

No.

You're listening to Madhouse on the largest prank call station in the nation.

Prank call nation.

Hey, how you doing?

Hey, Dan.

Hey, brother. My name is Rex. I see you're looking for someone that'll pressure wash a home.

All right, sexy woman. Hey, how you doing? Oh, I'm sorry. Well, you must get that a lot.

Hey, was that your son or is that like a feminine man? Which one? He's a feminine?

Yeah. Oh, he's a he's a gay. All right. How you doing, boss? My name is Rex.

I do pressure washing in town. I'm out of Rogersville.

Well, I'll come to you. What town you live in? Oh, nice. You know where Horse Machine Ranch is?

mother fuck it's a great place a good place to go down we got glory holes and everything for you

what kind of house you got there bubba all right you got a nice double wide over there what you

looking to pay your brother to go over there and pressure wash that motherfucker well when's the

last time i got pressure wash because i might need some chlorine in that that motherfucker you

know yeah motherfucker and all that rain we got last year and shit ah damn all right what color

What color is the vinyl siding usually?

You got like a blue, a white?

What you got there, Bubba?

All right.

Now, we can do payment.

We can do PayPal, cash, or we can trade.

We can barter.

I can do...

Well, I would pay cash.

I can do food if you want to cook, if you want to do sexual favors.

I do that, too.

Whatever you got.

Well, I can pay you cash.

What about sexual favors?

All right.

Well, how big a boy are you?

You don't know?

No.

You don't know?

What size you wearing?

What kind of size you wearing?

I don't get what you mean.

Well, what kind of size clothes you wear?

Oh.

34.

Aw, you ain't a big boy.

I need a big boy.

I want to fuck.

I want to fuck, you know?

I ain't in here.

I want to fuck.

What about that effeminate boy that picked up the phone?

He 18?

Yeah.

Well, no, 25.

Oh, put him on the phone.

Maybe I'll fuck him.

You don't have to pay me nothing.

Okay, hang on.

This is taking a long time, motherfucker.

I'm going to call Milkman in the meantime.

Hello, anyone there listening?

anyone here audible this motherfucker hello i can't do this whole thing where i just wait

come on pick up the phone transfer yourself to the phone the ring is loud everything with milkman is

way bad audio even when you call him listen to how loud and annoying that is hey boy boy the

mailbox is full and cannot accept any messages at this oh my god milkman's hello hello both calls

ended try milkman again i spent something like two hours trying to call his ass stupid he calls

three four times in a row now i call him back my phone's up my ass my phone's up my ass i'm

milkman my phone's up my ass hello hello talk motherfucker i can't hear you oh my god there's

something wrong with milkman maybe he's gonna be how much you guys want to be he gonna be rude to

me maybe you think he'll be like why you didn't call why you didn't call jesus christ hello hello

hey how you doing bubba hey what's going on hey how big a boy are you i've been calling you for

about a week i can't get no return calls i cost i started calling you this afternoon no answer

and i called you oh boy that's a rapid response six seven times today i tried calling you and

And it's in the last hour.

Well, you don't wait the last fucking minute to call me, dude.

It's a Friday.

What do you expect, man?

It's my busiest day of the week.

What are you doing?

You working?

Yes.

What kind of car are you driving today?

Yellow Cab?

No.

What are you doing, man?

Piece of shit Dodge Stratus.

Ah, Dodge Stratus.

That's the best car ever, man.

You need to get yourself an Audi is what you need.

What the hell, dude?

I got a 94, man.

I was thinking about getting a 97, but I didn't like that model here.

I think the 94 is the sweet year.

When did they stop making the Stratus?

96, maybe?

Let's look that up.

Never.

It's still being made right now.

No, they're not making the Stratus anymore.

Let's see.

Impossible.

Is that Stratus still being made?

They ain't making the Stratus in a while.

Oh, bullshit.

97, 97.

No, hang on.

I told you, I was looking at the 97 year, but I think the 94 looks a little nicer.

Up to 2006, they called it.

Yeah, 2006, man.

That's when it was done.

2006.

Well, I don't like that.

They don't look nice.

Dude, the first generation Droid Stratus was the shit, though.

It looked nice.

Especially the one with the...

They didn't have a convertible?

Wasn't it a convertible top at first, I think?

I don't remember now.

I don't think the Stratus ever was a convertible top.

I don't know why I think that, but that car looked sick in 95, 96 when that car came out.

You remember in 90, 1990 when the Camry got completely redesigned?

they look fucking like the car of the future toyota camry i don't know if you remember they

made a big event about in 1990 they were like we're gonna show off the new camry and the world's

gonna be amazed and i saw that shit i was like wow that's a good fucking car i had envy yeah

between 80s and 90s it's like they they start at home and bang and everybody start copying off

them you know on this everybody else start with their own new look and loosen the price up let

Let me tell you something.

The Ford Taurus was a nice, good-looking, good-running, comfortable, beautiful car until, like, 96.

That 96, they completely, like, it was in the shit.

That 96 Ford Taurus looked like shit and has never looked nice ever since.

Like, the body just isn't right on that motherfucker.

And I think KDK has it.

That's what KDK drove for a while there, a Taurus.

What did he drive?

He had a Taurus for a while.

I don't know.

Now he probably has a BMW.

He's got all that money.

Oh, I thought he had a Dodge Monaco or something like that.

He's got all that prank call money now, man.

Oh.

All that Howard Stern money he made from fucking that training.

Oh, that's right, dude.

Him and Zolar, man.

They cashed in.

Yeah, they had a practice run.

Zolar and him.

They had a threesome to get ready.

That was the plan.

That's why Zolar got so mad.

Because Zolar thought he was going to be in on the sex on the Star Show.

And then Howard just got with KDK in the tranny.

And Zolar walked off upset.

And Zolar had all the Viagra.

He took it with him.

He didn't give it to anybody.

He was going to give him and the tranny a Viagra.

Because it would make the tranny's pussy really hard.

so that's why that's why then then kdk was getting getting soft yeah he couldn't do can you imagine

he said he says he told us on the air two years ago today he's he was explaining and he said it

didn't feel like a vagina at all it felt like a wound like uh he said it felt like a cartilage

oh god that's a cartilage that's what he said it felt like a car the cartilage in the ear

I was about to say, what, the end of a chicken bone or something?

No, like an ear.

It felt like, oh, can you imagine that?

You know what I'm trying to say?

There was no sponginess to it, is what he's trying to say.

Dog ear.

You know how pussy has that sponginess and that flexing and stuff

that feels really like milks your cock as you're fucking the girl?

It doesn't do that.

Dude, that's some good shit right there.

Yeah, that dog ear shit don't do that, huh?

No, man.

No clapping.

the basset hound

ear

that

Siobhan

wrap that around

twice there

with that

basset hound

ear

hey before we

get any

milk member

on the air

I think you

figured that out

I want to

tell everyone

what the hell

is going on

what's this

crazy show

here

you're into

these shows

and shit

where are you

doing these

crazy call shows

what the hell

it's our 12 year

anniversary of doing

crazy call shows

today

well hell

count me in

motherfucker

I'm into that

that crazy call show shit god damn glad you called me man you and i have been doing this for 12 years

man can you believe that shit i can't believe it i couldn't believe 10 years i can't believe it's

been now it's 12 now i believe it even less than 10 years wow that's crazy bro what happened man

what happened to the world the world just couldn't keep up with it i guess not i'm getting warnings

this did the stream drop why is dwight saying no old online show what does that mean what are you

I don't know. You never did send me those links.

I've been bugging you since before the last show.

I wanted the link to the last show

and I wanted that shoutcast link

and I wanted the phone link.

The shoutcast has been down.

I gave you the phone line months ago.

Yeah, but I tried to call on it

and nothing happened.

I didn't want to make sure I got the right number.

It's down, damn it. Listen to me, coño.

It's down.

What's going on with our

streaming department?

We need to step that shit up, man.

I mean, that's where people want to live.

until we can convince you

to come back on the air, by all.

I gotta pay it, and the debit card

that I use for Madhouse and

prank call nation purposes

is not...

It's in the process of being replaced

to get a chip card

because they sent me one. I didn't get

it in the mail. I didn't pay attention in the mail.

It got sent back, and they shut off

my card, and they said I gotta go to the bank

branch now to show who I am.

What kind of bullshit is that?

Yeah, but here's the problem.

My driver's license is suspended.

So I got to wait for that to get fixed.

And then, because I don't think they're going to accept it if the driver's license is suspended.

Well, I mean, expired, expired, not suspended, expired, I'm trying to say.

I don't think, you know, you think, do you think they'll look at the date?

And if they say, oh, no, this expired two months ago, they're not going to let me, they're not going to accept that that's me?

You know what I'm trying to say?

You think they, maybe they won't notice.

I would just go for it, dude.

They might not even notice that it says.

They may not look unless you point it out.

It says May 2017.

May 31st.

Well, just do your normal, you know, cutesy,

Hermano bit, you know,

and ruffle your hair and flutter your eyes,

you know, and grab your crotch,

and I'm sure she'll swoon and she'll never notice, dude.

She'll be busy, too busy checking you out.

Show her my little penis.

I'll try it over.

My little milkman-sized penis.

She might want to whip out your penis and start milking it.

That's right.

You don't know what she may want.

That'd be nice.

Milkman, Dark Stranger.

Yeah, but that's not nice because if Athena finds out, her and I are going to have to talk.

Speaking of her, Dark Stranger is saying hello, or she was real excited.

Whoa, dropped something.

She's real excited to be around.

Oh, Dark Stranger?

Yeah, she's out there.

Yes.

Oh, there's my baby girl.

Yes.

Hey, honey.

All right.

Double suction.

I haven't seen her in ages.

She's still beautiful as ever.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, she's doing good.

I guess, from what I understand.

Show me, show me, show me!

All right, well, good.

I'm so glad you've been around.

God bless her.

Show me, show me, show me.

Okay.

All right, buddy.

Prank Pulse is what we do here.

12 years old, motherfucker.

I know what you want to hear.

You want to hear Pasquale.

We'll play it after this prank attempt here.

We're not doing the show tonight, the anniversary show.

For God's sake, you're not going to do this like this, are you?

What do you mean, like this one?

We're on the air now.

Like, with no preparation or nothing, dude?

No, I don't prepare.

I don't prepare.

You know I don't prepare that much.

I just knew I was going to do a show today.

That's all.

Oh, okay.

I was going to say.

Okay, cool.

Let's say the anniversary show and gather forces for that and make it a big boomer.

No, no.

This is it.

This is it right here.

It's kind of preemptive here.

This is it?

No, this is it.

This is it.

What kind of bullshit is this, dude?

This is what it is.

On the fly 12.

Okay, we'll call this an on the fly 12.

12 o'clock time.

Yeah, that's what it is.

leave a message after the tone boners hello boners hello is anyone there hello baby food

answer machine

oh we got a 96 chevy astra that's a good man right there have you heard anything from our um

anywhere our guys uh have talked to jim lately oh you know i didn't even call

you can't do it tonight you gotta plan it so people can be ready to check check it out

You can't just, like, do it on the fly.

This is an on-the-fly show, dude.

Listen, 12 years isn't a big deal.

It's not like 10.

For the 15th anniversary, we'll go off.

Oh, shit, it's a dozen.

Every year after 10 is important because it's a miracle we made it to 10, bitch.

I don't recognize fives and tens and zeros.

I don't recognize the dozen and this and that.

Well, I'm sorry.

You're going to have to put your glasses on the right way instead of upside down there, cat.

No, multiples of five.

That's all I care about.

Hey, hey, this is easier than we got back then.

Him trying to devalue all this commitment that all of us have put in

following this crazy knucklehead all these years.

Would you say that for the last two years I've really been doing shows like I need to be,

like I used to?

I did one...

You deflated after 10, okay?

And there's good reasons for that.

And without getting into it, you had a lot of personal things going on.

A lot of traitors and backstabbers.

Well, I'm not going to go down that road.

Everybody knows their part in it

That got us here

And all them losers

You know, tough luck

Tough kitty

That's a kitty

When the milk went dry, right?

So that's the way it goes

But all of you good people out there

That stuck with us

You know, and all you dumbasses

That realized that we were actually a good deal

Welcome aboard

We want you to come right back along

But I want you to side with me on this one

And let's get this air mono straight

We gotta recognize that after

Anything after 10 is a big year

you're out

everybody's

both my way

I can see it

right now

the chat is

lighting up

hey Jen

this is Carlito

you're probably

asleep but

we're doing

a 12 year

anniversary show

oh shit

no we're not

we want you

to come when

we do it

we're gonna do

it next week

this man doesn't

understand how

things work

and he's just

talking over me

like always

you know how it

is you know

what I have to

deal with

see how this

guy is

lying by the

seat of his

pants

we love you

Jen

I sent them a WhatsApp.

Let's see if he's awake, he'll respond back.

He's usually up late.

Why do you do shit like that, man?

I don't know what to do with you, man.

Yeah, fucking giant.

I'm watching a movie with wife.

Oh, dude, that's tough luck, man.

That's his problem.

It's about me and you and the madhouse, isn't it?

Go watch a movie with wife, you effeminate man.

You beta.

There you go.

Go watch your damn movie.

You beta man.

your call cannot be completed you can call us jayad when you take the red pill you're not a

beta anymore until then you're not i've been you've been nothing i called for a week straight

and i couldn't even get a number reservation were you doing a bong hit in the car i'm sorry

the person you were trying to reach has a voicemail box that has not what i was going to

dab in the car but you shouldn't be doing that in the car that's not legal even in california

Yeah, it's not legal, young man.

You should not be doing this thing.

I don't care.

It's still not legal.

You can't just be like, I'm in the car.

I'm going to pull over and get high.

I got a card.

Well, I don't get high, first of all.

And when I pull over, it's for a good reason.

It's for my medicine.

I got you.

You got to take your medicine.

Big Fat Milkman, answer me a question.

So the last time we talked about this, it was election night and California legalized recreational pot like Nevada did.

what is the status in california that you're still on medical right now right that's still

the only way you can get marijuana is medical right now yeah okay so what what's the plan with

recreational january or what's going on with that latest i heard i thought it was going to

sometime this last i heard um somewhat reliable source people that claim they're involved with

18 2018 so probably january you're thinking okay i don't know the exact date that's the last i've

heard i was originally led to believe so close after the election would be in 17 but that's not

the case when i'm here now the latest rollout date is 18 so there's no shit anywhere there's

nothing there anymore you can't you know don't like hey look like the liquor store yeah you have

to go through the normal procedure of going to your doctor and doing everything legally

so are they gonna drop charges though on people that are that have been busted for weed what

happens with that that's federal now that's federal fuckery there now and look look obama

should have dropped it when he had the chance.

Now we got this fucking joker here

and you don't think he's going to drop it because he's got

that crooked Jeff

Sessions in there saying he wants to

crack down on it.

So, you know, all I'm saying

is good fucking luck. We're going to be

lucky if we can even have our

shit without these fellow ladies fuckers

who are playing the game right now. They're playing

Dirty Pool. It has nothing to do

with our politics

and our laws.

Hello?

It's the state.

Hello? Milkman.

Not a country.

Milkman, hello.

Luckily...

It should be the way they're playing it.

Okay.

Milkman, listen.

It's like, go ahead, dude.

Luckily, luckily the...

Forget it, I forget it.

Luckily, we're talking about the laws.

Luckily.

Luckily, Obama kept it where it was as long as he did

because that allowed...

There's too much money in it now for it to get

what's established now to get taken away

or encroached on.

Well, dude, that really needs to be seen.

Now you come back to this whole deal of the federal and the state, okay,

where, you know, one thing, the federal is a great thing, you know,

as long as it's to remove health care.

But it's a terrible thing if you need to use medication.

You know, so, like, they're going to come and bust you for that.

You know, they're going to take your health care away.

But at the same time, you know, they can allow you to have liquor

and do all this other shit.

It's like, you know, so many double-sided, double-standards, you know, that's bullshit.

It's bullshit, complete bullshit.

Let the people have what the fuck they want, be responsible.

You come to age, you should be able to do what the hell you want to do.

Leave it alone, you know, that's your personal life.

I mean, hell, they're not going to help us anyway.

If something goes wrong or something, you get sick or, you know, you start dying,

you have to move to Cuba if you want to get healthcare.

healthcare back in 2016 i believe we just closed relations up on cuba you know after our recent

abridging the relations there he closed that shit right up it's not closed up what are you talking

about but there's still a net there's still an embassy it's still no you don't know you're

talking yeah but he's already started relating he pissed in the pot he pissed in the pot okay

to say that we pissed in the pot yeah i'm not trying to defend um trump at all i'm not trying

i'm not trying to defend trump i'm just saying that nothing's come down where they've shut down

the progress that we made on cuba that hasn't come into play and i don't think that will because

there's a lot of money involved in that too now there's a lot of money involved in cuba milkman

and i don't think there's any um any much of a chance of that getting downplayed either we still

He'll have the embassy.

Bullshit.

No.

Bullshit.

Unless he gets to build a tower there, he's not going to go for it.

I guarantee.

He doesn't want, he's not going to build any more towers.

But his people are.

I mean, his friends are going to want to build towers in Cuba.

It's obvious.

He is part of that, okay?

It doesn't matter if he's going to put his name on it or not.

He's involved with the shit.

You know it as well as I do.

Come on, dude.

That's what he does.

Okay, good.

Why do you think he's in so tight with directions?

I'm not defending him, Milkman.

man i'm just saying that that's we're okay there i think we're okay there when it comes to cuban

american relations i don't think it's going to get any worse well i don't i don't trust it dude

because he has little to gain by it that's why i'm saying he has a whole there's a whole human

rights game at play when it comes to that it's progression on that and to be honest the public

and world opinion on the matter is against the united states when it comes to to that for the

the last 20 years every year there's been a referendum vote in the united nations more

symbolic than actual punitive but where they've called on two things that have always come up

number one the united states always gets chastised for treating puerto rico like it's a con like a

colony no kidding like it's a fucking toilet it's a colony yes they always get and the only country

country that votes against that along with the united states is israel every time the united

states and israel always vote against that and then the second is that well you know why israel

is going to stick with that shit well i know the same thing yeah but they want their game the other

thing is that um oh god damn it now i'm free uh yeah the cuban embargo itself the cuban they want

to play their game in palestine you know that's why they're playing that chip they want us to

to join their their their gambit yeah the cuban embargo is always voted on in the united nations

and every time it's just the united states and israel who say that they're in favor of it

and the rest of the international court of opinion is that it's it's a bad move well the corporations

are putting the squeeze on puerto rico puerto rico's taking a fucking brother i'm telling you

man the people are being eaten alive they're trying austerity on them they're not even allowing

I own the finances, dude.

I mean, it's a fucking nightmare.

If anybody has any little bit of money left, what's going to happen to them now?

Puerto Rico's fucked up.

Listen, I got a problem here.

I just dumped a whole ton of water on the floor.

Oh, shit.

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

So I'm going to go ahead.

Did you already start on the Jack and Coke, or what happened there, brother?

No, something else.

But in the meantime, I'm going to have to play a prank or two while I get a towel and clean this all up.

So, Milkman, you shut up and listen, all right?

All right, I'll flip it over so you can hear what's going on here.

Here you go.

This is the first prank call that we ever did on Madhouse Radio that I ever did.

The first call, the first dial, this is the first call.

I think this is it.

Let's see.

Maybe?

Let's see.

Hello.

Hey, may I speak with Pasquale, please?

No, no, no.

Here's the story.

I meant to call this guy, and I fat-fingered the number, and I called this other guy instead.

So here's the first prank call ever on Madhouse Radio.

It was a miss it was an actual fat-fingered called the wrong guy and then I turned around and called the real Pasquale

Several weeks later, but here it is

you're talking about? You used my toilet

here the other day, you son of a bitch. You retard.

Your toilet? My toilet.

Describe it to me. I don't know what you're

talking about. I've been in the house. I haven't

been out. Well, it was last week.

No. I don't use anybody's

toilet, bro. I got a good mind

to go down there, Pasquale, and

punch you in the chest.

For what? I don't remember. I swear

on my mother. I don't know who

what happened. What are you talking about?

Well, look, your mother's here right now

with me, and she's not very happy.

My mother's dead.

So how are you going to swear on somebody who's dead?

What are you, a goddamn heathen now?

No.

I don't know what you're talking about, really.

And you don't have to talk to me like that because I'm a human being.

If I did something wrong, I would tell you.

You're not a human being in my eyes.

You're a scum, worst of the earth, piece of crap.

You listen to me.

What?

Come down here, you bring yourself a plunger, and you fix this horrible mess you made.

I don't remember.

I didn't do anything.

I'm going to rip all your leg hairs out and the hair off your ass.

You come over, I'm going to call the sheriff, because I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm going to call the sheriff.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm a big vagina.

I've got a big vagina.

I'm Pasquale.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't remember.

I don't use anybody's toilet, man.

Well, you owe me $5 for breaking the toilet.

Breaking the toilet?

What toilet?

Tell me where this is.

The white toilet.

I told you already.

My name is Bo Steen.

Don't know you.

Well, you do now, because you're going to come down here and fix it.

You're going to get to know me really well.

I ain't fixing nothing because I didn't break nothing.

I don't use anybody's toilet.

Well, you came down the street.

You live right next door.

You came down.

You used the toilet.

You took a big shit.

I took a big shit?

Yes.

Man, it wasn't me, pal.

It was not me.

You got the wrong guy.

Well, either you come down here and fix it, or I'm going to go down there and make you drink the toilet water out of your toilet after I take a big shit.

See if you like it.

Pal, I don't know what you're talking about.

Now you're getting, I don't know what you're talking about.

How big is your nose?

Hey, man, I'm going to call the sheriff.

I'm not afraid of you or your mother.

No.

Well, how big is...

I don't know what...

Hey, look, if I did something, I would tell you.

Well, you're a sinner.

I didn't use nobody's toilet.

You're a sinner.

I mean, I'm a what?

You're a sinner.

What's that?

You're a sinner.

You sin against God.

Uh-huh.

How dare you come here to this church and take a shit in the toilet?

I haven't been in the church.

Well, the pastor said he saw you.

He's got the wrong guy.

You bring the pastor here.

I haven't been to any church. Oh, now you're gonna hurt the pastor

Thank you. Let him identify me you you just threatened a man of the cloth

I didn't fight nobody you better confess your sins right now to the pastor. You're going to hell sir. Enter your destination number

Hello Pasquale you son of a bitch speak English America

You son of a be you mother talking you are under speaking funny

I know you speak you speak English

You mother fucker! You mother fucker!

Go ahead, man. Mother fucker you!

You bitch!

Don't never call against these four, man!

Mow my lawn! Mow my lawn!

You mother fucker!

Why you so angry?

I'm a bitch!

What's the squad?

Fuck you, man!

Hey, we got a call back from Crazy Fucker. Let's see if we didn't call the wrong number.

Madhouse Radio, you hear me?

Hey, hello, brother man. What's up?

up? Hey, I guess I should turn down the radio. Turn down the radio if you don't mind, sir.

The first rule of calling in a talk radio show, turn down the radio. Got to love that

feedback. Oh, yeah. This is a dumb fucker from California. What's up, brother? How you

doing, man? Oh, great, man. I'm listening to your show, man. What do you think? We started

late tonight, but fuck it, right? Man, hey, some of that shit, man, made me reevaluate

Anyway, my position on things, when you called that lady in England there,

was she from England that she was going to call the police?

She got scared, yeah.

Yeah, you know what?

It just clicked.

That's what they're doing, man.

In England, they're trying to do the same shit in our country,

but they already did in England,

and that's put a fucking surveillance camera every six inches.

They've already got that.

Yeah, in England, man,

Man, they got more fucking cameras in London than they got in the whole rest of fucking Europe,

including the communist countries.

Dude, the police are down with everybody, run for your life.

You know, with directional microphones in them, they listen and they surveillance everything.

Yeah.

Yeah, man, you know, that's all these motherfuckers that have sold their soul, man,

to the rottenness of mankind.

You know, they're the same motherfuckers that get up in the morning and go to these factories

and work on death beans and fucking microwave death beans that they can, you know.

And they're the motherfuckers that dream up the viruses to kill off 90% of the fucking people in the world.

I heard they made this bomb that gives you diarrhea.

Oh, dude.

It blows up in the air and everybody under it gets diarrhea.

Well, I don't know about that, but I know that over in Iraq, man,

they're dropping all kinds of bombs on innocent people over there.

Depleted uranium, giving them all cancer.

Oh, shit, dude, tons of it.

You know what?

The fucking, you know what?

These motherfuckers that invented that shit, they're all dead now,

but they're like they're replacements now.

Now, you know, they got tired of ecologists and sane people telling them,

hey, man, you shouldn't be messing with that shit.

You shouldn't be messing with refined uranium, plutonium, and all that shit.

Dirty shit.

Now they've dumped it over there in the Middle East,

and they've literally bombed your fellow Americans that were dumb enough to fucking do that.

Yeah.

No shit.

Hey, man, what do you think about what John Kerry said about if you don't go to school and shit, you're going to end up in Iraq?

Man, he was totally right on, dude.

Yeah, that's what I said.

But when you tune in to the mainstream propaganda fucking news, there's, oh, John Kerry, he might have just defeated the Democrats' chances of taking office.

Man, they're acting like, hey, here's my, there's two kinds of, well, there's like one kind of person that goes to Iraq is mentally fucking retarded, that joins the military to go to Iraq because they bought this propaganda, and there's a second kind of person that'll go to Iraq, and they're the psychopaths.

They're the ones that want to go over there and kill people legally without facing ramifications.

I heard that the whole thing.

Serial killers.

You know, there are a lot of these motherfucking serial killers out there in our country are all fucking military people.

No shit.

When they catch a fucking serial killer, they usually got a military background.

Yeah, because they learned that in the Marines.

Hey, man, do you know about Area 57?

Area 51, you mean?

No, no. Area 51 is a ruse. The real thing is Area 57. Area 51 is just a decoy.

Really? Well, that's beyond me, dude. I know about William Cooper. You know about William Cooper in Area 51?

No, what?

He was killed by the government for exposing that shit.

Oh, yeah?

Alrighty, then. I'm Carlito, and I'm back. I've been drinking.

There was almost an electrical fire here, Milkman. I swear to God. It was really bad.

Sounds like it.

Yeah.

Jesus Christ.

How you doing, Milk?

Milk, man, how you doing, man?

You good?

I'm all right.

I was just like, you know, I'm not prepared for any of this.

So I was hoping you was, like, going to work out of this and do the big event later.

Well, this is the day.

This is the day.

You know?

Well, okay.

You know, it would be clear, like, let me know a little bit ahead of time.

I tried.

That Art Bell dude?

No.

Now's not the time.

Now we're here.

I know you don't have time.

I've been calling you all week anyway, so we're here now, okay?

So I hope this is going to be fun, I promise.

It'll be fine, Milkman, it'll be fine, don't you worry.

Listen, you just heard Crazy Fucker.

I know you're a big fan of Crazy Fucker, and you're also a big fan of Alex Jones.

There was a sighting?

Jones, I'm not a fan of him.

I think he's a huge guy.

I don't have a fan of him.

He sounds like a tape recorder.

Yeah, he does.

I look at that Doc Savage idiot, just like all those guys.

Doc Savage?

Who's Doc Savage?

Yeah, you know that fucking guy always on there with his name Rick Savage?

I don't know.

Oh, Dan Savage I think you're talking about, right?

Whoever.

I don't know.

Another crazy nut.

Another far out nut.

Yeah, yeah.

Someone had found an appearance of his on Alex Jones that had been set to music

by some kind of alex jones parody fan group um he let me i haven't really heard it so

that's the one i want to hear i missed your and phil henry at the end of the show dude that was

a classic for a while we did that milkman let's listen let's listen to this real quick though

let's determine if this is worth listening to crazy fucker let's see if this is crazy

he's still doing business he's still doing anymore he does he does he does stuff on his

He has his own podcast or something, and he does his own live broadcast.

Well, download his show tonight, man.

Well, shit, motherfucker.

You have to pay for it.

Listen.

Pay attention.

Keep back.

Listen to me.

Listen with me to this and see if this crazy fucker.

Be quiet.

Listen.

Roll up your sleeves.

The Jewish people seem to run 90% of all the media in all of the Hollywood movies.

All right, thanks, Erica.

By the way, Larry didn't say he hated the Jews.

Why are you still breathing?

I mean, why haven't you really just taken a toaster oven and thrown it?

Yeah, I can confirm that his name is Larry.

His real name is Larry.

And he just called in to, I mean, this is audio of him.

That's his real name.

I didn't even know his real name.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm not going to put him on blast, but I know it from him calling my personal cell phone.

I knew he would come up, and then we were friends.

Yeah, but...

What happened to him, man?

We don't know.

He just fell off the face of the planet.

it the last time we saw him was around 2012 well i remember he was getting in trouble for talking

on the radio while he got in trouble for calling into mark bell showing the arrested him that was

a story a claim of how he got in trouble and put in prison and all that shit and he started calling

radio shows again because it was like uh was it a violation of his uh restraining order to call

the shows and he started calling again he was using different voices and shit remember he was

talking about that that was the rumor the rumor is he called george nori actually he called uh

coast to coast a.m well i never heard the rumor i just remember from the last kid talking he was

heard on there saying something and he got cut off because it was like you know right about

something you shouldn't be saying about president or this or that or something oh god he got taken

off the air and next thing we know he just we never saw from him again but literally like

This is where he would buy those boxes of wine, like gallon boxes or two-gallon boxes of cheap-ass wine,

and then mixing it with salmon up and some juice or something, making some kind of cocktail,

like making five gallons out of that shit, remember?

Yeah, he had a crazy cocktail with Mad Dog 2020, I think, and some other shit.

He had that big, he had that two-gallon bag or jug of wine or carton of wine, cheap-ass wine.

He would buy cheap-ass wine, and he would combine it with grape juice or something?

I don't know.

It was some soda.

I think it was like 7-Up or something, and then something else, too.

There was two things he had.

It was fucking nasty juice or some shit.

Look, I've got a lot of love for Crazy Fucker, and I hope he shows up somewhere.

He's probably locked up again, but I don't know.

I'm afraid that's the case, dude.

We're not out there like we were, so he probably doesn't know how to get a hold of us,

you know, unless he can get Facebook, I guess.

Last I heard, there was a guy in the IRC chat room, maybe 2013, 2014, saying he was crazy fucker.

He said he was on a Verizon smartphone in a van, living in a van, and he couldn't call in because he was using the phone to connect or something like that.

I don't know.

I don't 100% remember, but it was some kind of Verizon hotspot he was using or something.

Again, it's questionable if that was really him or just a fan impersonating him.

What's funny is he's probably not that fucking far from me either.

Probably not, especially if he's locked up, because last time he was in San Quentin.

If he's locked up, dude, he's real close.

But if he's out in North Cal, dude, he's only a few hours from where I'm at.

Yeah, I know, man.

Look, I want to apologize I had to take that break, but literally I dumped a good 40 ounces of water.

I go by San Quentin every day.

On the ground here in my studio, and it was an electrical hazard,

so I had to grab a towel and get in.

It was really close to some electrical stuff, so I kind of freaked out for a minute there.

You are listening to Eric Deschutes, guys.

But I think we're okay, maybe.

Milkman, we need to get to some prank calls, man, all right?

Seriously, you're really bringing me down.

Do you have any numbers?

Yes, I have numbers.

I've got Parkman numbers, and I've got a map in front of me with numbers for us to call to.

too, Milkman, you know?

I guess we didn't do it.

Hi.

Thanks for calling.

The call is out there.

Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

The call is out there.

I understand that that kid Rev is back doing pranks again, and that's awesome.

Much respect to Rev, Rev Show.

I don't know what his website or channel is, but I understand he's back.

I understand he got Lonesome Loser back also.

Lonesome, man.

Oh, really?

Yeah, Lonesome Loser.

If you're out there, if you're listening, or if anyone out there has communication with the RevClan and or Lonesome Loser and can confirm these rumors that he's back, please tell Lonesome Loser to get a hold of me, either through Facebook or just send them our way.

Let them know that Madhouse is back.

We're trying to do shows, at least what we're shooting for right now, right, Milkman, we're talking about is once a month, let's say, a good quality once a month show live.

and uh and then some offline stuff also that'll be released on a monthly podcast i like it to

end up being bi-weekly so every two weeks you know every paycheck i'd release a show

that'd be kind of cool yeah there you go like like yeah i'm bisexual i'm fabulous

i don't have that drop anymore um that being said i want to thank the i i put a put feelers

out there it's like hey everybody look i'm trying to uh get uh the madhouse we have 15 episodes

behind i'm trying to get these edited uh so i can start working on some other stuff with the show

like redesigning the website getting our shoutcast back up and running um i released two shows today

the thanksgiving show which sucked and the black friday show which was good um but i received a lot

lot of responses back right now i've got axpa and olga are both helping editing away shows i've got

i think right now we've got a good four or five uh shows from 2017 from this year already edited

uh all together and i've got the two from 2016 here the thanksgiving ones are done

um there's two left in 2016 there well actually there's only one left there's a december a

christmas show to edit and then after that it's it's new year's and that's already good to go so

So two shows just got posted to the podcast over at MadHouseLive.com.

You're going to see a whole bunch more.

Hopefully, I'm hoping in the next week or so, we will be 100% caught up, up to date with the MadHouse podcast.

Finally, we'll be back where we need to be.

Then phase two.

Did you talk to Kokanee?

Did I talk to Kokanee?

No, I haven't talked to Kokanee in years.

Is he even alive anymore?

How's Kokanee doing?

Is he still with the trains?

He was.

I was on strike for a little while, but I didn't know if you talked to him or what.

Well, they need to stop that strike.

Those Canadians can't be striking.

Who do they think they are?

Detroit, Michigan?

Get the fuck out of here.

Fuck out of here.

Thanks for calling.

Fuck you.

Fuck you and fuck Kokanee.

We are now hiring.

I don't want Kokanee involved with this at all.

I don't want him involved.

Kokanee is a good guy.

Speak with a key member for more details.

If he's going on striking stuff, he's not in my book.

I don't need to deal with strikers and stuff.

You've got a blow job.

You've stuck us.

That's where your wife is supposed to be glad to get a job.

Shut up and bake it.

Milkman, you've got to stop interrupting so much, man.

I'm taking it, motherfucker.

Milkman, would you be into a girl playing with your nipples?

Huh?

Would you be into a girl playing with your nipples?

Do you let girls play with your nipples?

Play with my nipples?

Yeah.

I don't like it.

Thank you.

I'm sorry.

Can I get your phone number?

Hey, Kathy, how you doing?

I'm looking for the nipples.

What kind of nipples?

They're like the nipples that go on the thing.

Yeah.

Okay.

Can you tell me what kind of nipples you're looking for?

They're about an inch long, and they stick out, and then they have a round part around them.

Okay.

What's the name?

The name or any of them?

I don't know.

That's the whole thing, you know?

That's what's getting me down.

What was your name again?

My name?

Yeah, what was your name again, honey?

I'm the operator, Kathy.

Oh, hey, Kathy, you really need to help me out.

Look, I'm in big trouble right now.

If I don't get these nipples, I'm going to be in really big trouble.

But I just, I don't understand how to explain.

I have a lot of anxiety, you know, and I don't know how to explain things that well.

But my wife is going to kill me.

Please help me.

Okay, I'm trying to help you out with kind of what nipples you're looking for.

We've got a bunch of nipples.

Yeah, you suck on them, you know.

You suck on the nipples.

The ones that you suck on?

Just a minute.

Okay.

Just a minute, sir.

I'm going to get someone to help you.

Okay, honey.

All right.

Ariola.

Milkman, fuck work.

Go home, man.

Just stay.

Go home.

Don't work today.

I want to hear some guitar from Milkman.

You got it.

I saw it.

I played it last week, motherfucker.

Well, you want me to play the same song?

Oh, dude, I can't hear nothing, dude.

I can hear some shit, but I don't hear any good shit.

Well, I'm doing the best I can, motherfucker.

Oh, okay.

So, you ever have a girl, like, pinch her nipples a little bit or anything like that?

or no dude i'm like you know she hung up a guy and leave my alone dude i'll handle the nipples here

you know i don't like it at all i get real self-conscious like what are you i don't like

it dude it's too mine are too sensitive well yeah and i've got man boobs so i'm already like

you know i don't really got that as much i mean they're not perfect but i mean they're just

sensible when i was a kid i would wear this like uh shirt before i worked at a grocery store

and the like the knit material would rub on my nipples dude it would like fucking burn and hurt

and shit would you get a little boner hell no dude i got really big it hurt pretty sensitive

man you got a big boner all right i got you that's cool no no dude i didn't get a boner hurt

dude i was like motherfucker it's like you know but it's i had to put a shirt on underneath of

it and sweat right it's a good hurt so it wouldn't touch the work it's a good hurt it's a good hurt

I said. It's a good

hurt, I said.

Maybe on a girl. I don't know, dude.

I didn't appreciate it. Believe it or not,

dude, after all these years, man,

I mean, it used to be body parts

and now my body parts pinched her

eyes. I love girls with spies.

Yeah, they pinch your eyes.

Her eyes, yeah.

You know, ones on her face.

That's gay. That's a gay thing to say.

Dude, actually, because that's the one thing

that doesn't really change.

Hello?

Hey.

Speaking, how may I help?

What meat you have?

What kind of meat you have?

Are you kidding me right now?

No, what kind of meat you have?

Because I don't have much money, but I need some meat tonight.

The doctor said I need more proteins.

Oh, come on, man.

I'm not kidding.

Jesus Christ.

I'm not kidding.

I need more proteins.

What meat have you?

You want meat have you?

What meat have you?

You fucking kidding me, man?

Fucking meat, man?

Hey, how you doing?

Thanks for calling.

That's Rimmer speaking.

Hello?

Hey, honey.

Honey, how are you, sexy?

I'm great.

Hey, Ingrid.

I'm calling because I need meat, and I know sometimes Dollar Tree, like, you guys do, like, rib steak for a dollar or, like, you know, every once in a while.

Do you have any, what kind of meat you have?

The doctor is here with me, and he says that I need protein, more protein.

So what type of meat you was looking for?

Well, you guys got the frozen meat and all this week.

Yeah, we got frozen meat, and I worked at Lunch Meat.

Oh, what kind?

No, I don't need lunch meat.

Too much salt.

I need something that I can put on the grill, you know?

Like steak or something?

Yeah, I sleep under the bridge, and I start a fire in this big oil can, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah, and I got this grate that I got from a grill in the public park.

I just took it with me.

Well, we got meat that you can do that with, too, sir.

Well, you got steak lums?

What do you got?

Like, I got to know.

I need some good, you know?

Yeah, we do have the steak lums, but we got the clothes there.

here shit when i'm close by you know i'm at the target i'm just taking a shower i'm taking a bath

inside the target bathroom you know this is where i come to bathe myself in the bathroom i come to

bathe here at the bathroom in the target because they have a sink in the handicap stall so i use

it under my underarms and my private parts and stuff i clean them hello yeah hello how you doing

yes well hey we are now close i'm at the target though man and i live under the bridge and i just

the doctor said i need more protein i'm just wrapping up my bath i'm taking a bath here in

the target bathroom i'm homeless you know and i'll be right there in a minute and i'm gonna pay i

want to pay i got money right now it's 10 o'clock i can't let anyone it's it just turned 10 now

like literally when you started when you started talking to me it was 59 man and all you gotta do

sell me like one piece of meat man i'm gonna die out here i'm so hungry man and i only i got four

Four bucks, so that should be able to get me three after taxes, right?

Three meats?

Oh, the frozen one?

Come on, man.

I'm going to have to go hungry all night.

I might not wake up.

The doctor said I need more protein because my kidneys are going to shut down.

What am I going to do?

I don't have money, you know?

My family doesn't care about me.

My family's all in Pensacola, Florida.

They hate my ass.

Come on.

I just finished my bath.

I just finished.

I'm going to come right now.

Come on, man.

I can risk my job with trying to let somebody in after the store closes.

You didn't have to let me in.

and I'll give you the $4.

You need to hurry up down here, sir,

because we're physically closed, man.

I'm coming.

I know you're still checking people.

I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.

Don't close, don't close.

Oh, my God, man.

Physically closed.

Literally right on the dot.

Physically closed.

Yeah, you're not going to have to play there.

The door's going right at the top of the hour.

Yeah, dude, I was walking by.

I guess you didn't seem to mind about the sink here

and taking a shower in this.

hey uh fucking milkman i was so i was walking by a dollar tree the other day

and uh they had advertised it was uh like what was it flank steak for a dollar it was like

flank steak for no it was uh fucking sirloin for a dollar sir dollar sirloin for the dollar store

can you imagine so i i didn't go in because i'm not about that but what i did was i got on my

cell phone on my smartphone and i looked up you know i looked it up i was like i put in dollar

tree steak and sure enough some guy had a review he he had a public he bought he got a one of these

sirloins and dude this shit was brown it wasn't even pink it was brown like an off-color brown

it was bad and uh people don't even know me

brown meat it's usually okay depends on how brown you know and how long it's been brown but let me

tell you something listen he cooked it and it went down about 70 percent in water i mean he had

it was protein strings dude that were left over and he was he was like it's it's chewy and he

He compared it to, like, however much it was.

It might have been 12 ounces or something.

He went to Publix, and he bought a 12-ounce sirloin, the same exact thing.

The thing was pink.

It was beautiful.

He cooked it, and it was like a piece of meat.

This motherfucking Dollar Tree store wasn't even worth it in the end.

It was a bite.

It was what you pay for.

I mean, it's frozen, dude.

It reached the end of its life before it was frozen.

Dude, I'm telling you, it was a fucking bite.

I was like, ew, man.

but that's just truly that i worked in the meat department for years now a lot of people think

that because the meat starts got that brown call oh that's brownie that's bad truly the best meat

whenever if you would see the best meat like the best steaks or whatever your steak now see that

mean on the outside what's brown it's called curing yeah i know i know but a lot of people

People don't realize that.

They think that because it's pink, it's not pink.

Actually, it's better because the blood has started to come out of the meat

when it gets brown like that.

That means it's actually come out of the meat,

but now it's not going to be all squishy, and it's going to cook better.

Well, I mean, dude, but seriously, like, when I worked at the grocery store, I knew the tricks.

Like, they would take, like, red food coloring and a little bit of water, and when the steak started looking a little brown, they would bring them back.

They cut open the packages, and they'd dip it.

Really?

They would dip it in the red food coloring.

Dude, I never even heard of that shit.

I worked in my meat department for years.

They would dip it.

Yeah, they would dip it.

I can't even believe you're telling me that.

Who in the fucking right mind would do that?

They would put the same date on it.

Like, they wouldn't change the date, but they would repackage it and make it look red.

But, dude, every time you crack the seal, you're introducing bacteria, whether you know it or not.

I know.

It's like the air has got in there.

There's bacteria in the air.

I know.

Now you, like, shorten the shelf life immediately because you open that bubble wrap.

That's the thing, man.

You don't know, man.

You don't know.

You just don't know.

Another thing is those cakes, they make a cake at the bakery, right?

They make a cake, and it doesn't sell by the end of the day.

They bring it back.

They slice it up, and then they add some old fruit that's about to –

they had the pre-cut fruit in the grocery aisle, pre-cut and all that stuff.

And if that didn't sell that day, they'll take a piece of cake,

cake and they'll put some of their fruit on top of it and they'll sell it like a slice of some kind

of fancy something or other they'll dress it up again but it's it's shit that's like two sometimes

three days old yeah i don't buy that dude no if i'm gonna get cake you know i will order a cake

at a grocery store when you call and you say look birthday's coming up i need to order a cake okay

because they made it the same day that's fine and the bread is always fresh because bread gets hard

You can't fix hard bread other than microwave.

Don't we got any Chinese markets around there?

Yeah, we got Chinese markets.

What are you talking about?

Dude, they got usually good bakery stuff, man.

It's fresh, dude, and it comes out fast.

You know, it goes fast.

Everybody buys the shit out of it.

You ought to check that out.

Chinese do pastries?

I didn't know that.

Chinese bakeries, yeah.

No, we don't have Chinese bakeries.

We have Chinese markets, but not bakeries.

Okay, well, most of the markets here, they all got like a Chinese bakery,

like Quichon or like whoever.

No, nothing like that.

You've got a lot of Asians out there.

I mean, you're half Asian yourself.

No wonder you like being out there.

That's too bad, dude.

I'm sorry, man.

I was going to say, seek one out.

If you can find one, dude, somewhere near you, dude, it's definitely worth it.

Maybe in Philly or something.

Dude, you people need to stay with you people.

That's the whole thing.

Listen, Milkman, let's take a listen to Trying Out a $1 Steak.

Let's see.

I think this is the video I listened to here.

I'll play it so you can hear it.

I think this is the right video.

Holy shit.

We'll listen to a little bit of it so you guys can get an idea of what I'm talking about.

They could have overdone it, too, for the video's sake, too.

You know that.

They do.

People play it up.

People are bitches.

Okay.

I'm not from the dollar store.

Don't count on me.

I saw their feature of the week is a $1 steak.

$1 ribeye.

That's three and a half ounces for a dollar ribeye steak.

So, yeah, I definitely got to check that out.

So I'm going to go ahead and buy one of these, and we're going to...

I'm going to skip ahead.

Boneless beef ribeye.

Now, there's a steak.

Dude, it is like a steak shaving.

like it's it's in a flat pack it's almost like a piece of bacon it's like three it's like three

slices of bacon really thin next to each other and there's a big glob of fat we're just getting

ready to calculate how that was because a pound is 16 ounces right or 14 what is it 16 16 shit

so this is like five a fifth of a pound not even a fifth of a that's not even a quarter of an ounce

Quarter of a pound

So that's like

Three or four ounces

Not even a quarter of a pound

Four dollars

Probably cheaper

It would be equivalent

To a quarter pounder

Okay

So it's probably cheaper

To go to the regular grocery store

And get a pound

You know

Get it by the pound

By the ounce

You know what I mean

It's probably the same price

The quality of what they're getting

I don't know

Depends on how they're cooking

And all that too

You know

I mean

There's

Honestly I think some people

Do shit for videos right

No but look

He's showing it

There's a big glob of fat

Right in the middle of it dude

It's nasty.

Okay.

And it is thin.

You can actually see the packaging.

Holy shit, you can see through the slice of steak, through the packaging.

That's how thin it is.

It's like a window.

Wow.

Anyway, hey, you know what?

It's a dollar.

What can you ask for?

I almost didn't get this, though, okay?

I had to do quite a bit of digging.

There was basically a freezer section in the back of the store, and there was about 200

quick fries for sandwiches.

Yeah, that'd be good.

Like a good ribeye sandwich.

Like bacon, you know what I'm saying?

Man, it's literally Steakums, one sheet at a time.

Yeah, that's what I was telling the guys, Steakums.

And then, you know, they turned kind of gray, and then maybe got refrozen.

I don't know, that's a scary thought.

I really hope I don't get sick eating this.

But I'm taking a chance anyway for you guys to see what Dallas Steel Steak's all about.

So, yeah, that's a little steak.

We're going to take it out and get a close look at it.

All right, so I took this out of the package and seasoned these things up.

You guys have to see how thin this steak is.

is it literally is like falling apart

because it's so thin, okay?

Basically, it came out of the package like a little bowl.

It looked like a Swedish meatball,

about a half an inch in diameter.

So I'm gonna attempt to,

I don't know if I can get this completely off the plate

without it falling in the grill.

I think this thing's gonna slip through the grates

while I'm cooking the real steak.

Now you might think, well all right,

well it's only a dollar, Jeff, come on, right?

So let's say I got seven of these for seven bucks,

or let's say even if I got eight of them,

eight of them still wouldn't be half the thickness

of the other steak, you know, for $7.50 or $8, whatever it was.

So, anyway, I'm going to give it a shot anyway and throw this on the grill

and see how it comes out.

So, stay tuned.

All right, I just put that steak on there.

It's going to fall through.

Because, obviously, that thing is way longer to cook.

And that looks like a bird just crashed into my grill.

It does not look appetizing at all.

It just looks like shredded beef.

It looks like...

Yeah, it's like lunch meat, dude, literally.

Like raw lunch meat you can put on the grill.

It's not enough for, like, a Burger King sandwich.

Like, you know what I mean?

They couldn't make this into a Burger King.

This is not enough meat.

All right, we're all done here.

You're good off getting a dollar sandwich at McDonald's or something.

Yeah, well, with the fat, you say, clearly the numbers are off a little bit.

That's literally what you have.

It's kind of like the equivalent of a half of a steak, if you're familiar with that.

Actually, I'm told you're getting it.

He said it's equivalent to half of a steak.

Here's two slices from the other steak.

one how I like it because I like my my steak pretty red not really raw but very

rare and then I also took another slice and I cooked it basically the same as

that so it's a fair comparison between the more expensive steak in the dollar

store steak okay so first thing to do is I'm gonna try this piece right here okay

so this is the good the fatter so that was pretty damn good now let's compare

this to the dollar store steak really is one bite but here we go alright so

So here's the deal.

There's an off taste with this.

It actually tastes very similar to a Steak'Em.

And if you don't know what that is, it's kind of like a processed piece of steak.

There's more fat than meat in it.

It tastes very, very similar to that.

I really wouldn't recommend this.

In fact, I'm not going to finish that.

I kind of feel like it's going to make me sick.

It's going to make him sick.

You're right, Milkman.

He might be hamming it up, but he is saying that it's just like a process.

Of course, what do you expect?

It's a dollar store.

Fuck's sake.

They also have a country fried steak that's all, it's, the guy was explaining and he was like, it's, first of all, the breading on the country fried steak is a pretzel, it's crushed up pretzels, it's not breading, and it was like a good 75%, I think he was comparing, it was mostly breading, mostly pretzels you were getting, crushed pretzels with a little bit of shitty steak in the middle.

no thank you you know what i mean no thank you please definitely don't want to be dealing with

that uh am i right here hang on if you die protein dude yeah you shouldn't get it better

than nothing yeah but i'm saying you're better off going to mcdonald's beware yeah beware you're

getting what you're paid for now you can get a lot of mcdouble for a dollar 25 yeah they keep

raising the price of that man they raise the price of the hot fresh and ready little caesar's pizza

from five to six dollars i saw not that i eat that anymore but i used to live off of that for

For a while, fuck, now they did that.

We've got to call Little Caesars to get to the bottom of that, you know?

Fuck.

All the other pizza companies are higher across the board, that's why.

Yeah.

I've checked it out recently.

You know, Domino's, Pizza Hut, all of them, dude.

Now they've got the online services and shit,

and then you can pick it up and all that crazy bullshit and order it

and have it meet you at a certain place.

They're rock bottom sheep.

That Dollar Tree just called me back.

I can't believe this song's 20 years old.

I can't believe how old I've gotten.

20 fucking years old.

$10 tree, Anthony speaking.

How may I help you?

Hey, man, I saw you call my Obama phone,

but I can't take calls on that

because I'm running out of minutes.

Yeah, man, I know that I have.

Everything is closed down now.

I cannot let anyone in.

It's all right, honey.

I'm sorry, man.

Because I figured I'd get a better...

I'm just going to use this at McDonald's.

I'll get three, four sandwiches there, you know?

Man, I really wait down here.

That's why I gave you a courtesy call.

I appreciate it.

That's real nice of you, brother.

Thanks for looking out.

But I'm just going to go to McDonald's because I don't want to bother you none, you know?

Because you're, you know, I don't want to bother you, you know?

Well, I appreciate it.

All right?

No problem, man.

You have a good night.

You need to get going.

You're closing up still right now?

Yeah, man.

You too, man.

Hey, you think maybe I'll suck your dick and get some money, you know?

I could do that real good. You know, I won't use my teeth. What the fuck did you just say?

I don't know, you know, just like maybe just for some cash. I'll suck your dick, you know

I don't use my teeth or nothing. I know what to do. Guess what? I'ma track this number and come find your ass

and give you something else other than that. Hey, hey, hey. Don't fucking play with me, man. Come on, I just, I'm desperate.

holy shit what the hell just happened there and went right into reverse gear real quick

power reverse

he started out so nice and cool

I know, man.

I don't know why I keep calling that one

the wrong one.

That reminds me of this famous scene.

Let's take a listen to that.

We're taking it back today.

I'm surprised you chose that subject, though.

That's the way to insult me, man.

Maybe

80K would be proud.

Hey, man.

I learned from the best.

Hey, this is Menace to Society

from 1994-95.

let's listen to this scene let's listen to this scene any second now it'll come up

man you got some money or not oh man come on man what took me out this time nigga you crazy

fuck you up fuck out of here man check this out man i got these burgers man they some double

cheese burgers nigga i just ate man i just ate fool i don't want no motherfucking cheese burger

if you ain't got no money you just asked out call this motherfucker

Yo, dog, hurry up!

Come on, man. Come on, man. Wait, wait, wait, wait, man, man.

Man, I suck your dick.

Come on, man, just hook me up.

What the fuck did you just say, nigga?

Man, I said I suck your dick.

Come on, man, let's get the fuck down.

Suck on that, you bitch-ass trick.

Yo, dog, what the fuck you doing?

Yo, dog, hurry up!

Any of y'all want a hamburger?

What's wrong? You don't want no hamburger?

I want a hamburger.

I want a fucking hamburger.

You got cheese on it?

Man, you stupid, man.

There you go, Milkman.

I know you're a big fan of that movie and the Hughes brothers.

There you go.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

That's where you got that line from.

I think so.

I don't know.

He gets so mad, though.

I heard that in the news on some of the old calls, like from the old stream.

I know somebody else used that term before.

I guarantee you they lifted it from that.

He's not picking up anymore there.

That's funny.

Yeah, I bet.

Right.

He actually believes you, dude.

That's what that means.

He actually thinks towards you.

He was very convinced.

And to pull that shit, motherfucker.

I tried to help somebody out.

He sees you.

Get a bag.

He kept someone there for 15 minutes.

This is dumb.

He's like, what the fuck are you saying to me, man?

I tried to help somebody in the fucking park.

Oh, shit.

He was going to pray for you, dude.

That's what really got me.

That's why I was like, oh, shit, don't do it.

I need something.

I need something to get around.

We ain't never left, we just move in silence

It's official, I survived what I've been through

Y'all got drama to start looking

Goin' nowhere, he ain't

Cause it's bad, what's life

And he's

I'm here, I'm waiting for this little C's just to pick up

Alright, I'll try a different one

You're good, you're good, I'm here

the fuck was that jesus some fucking atari shit thank you come on hey wake up wake up come on

let's go i can't hear you hello hello hey honey how are you fine oh good good it's good to talk

to you i want to kiss you i was calling about the hot and ready menu so i mean the shit used to be

five dollars and now i'm seeing six dollars and shit like what's going on that's the uh best uh

best we got extra pepperoni extra cheese that's the one that's six dollars so y'all give me extra

extra pepperoni and cheese for six so you make it a real pizza for an extra dollar

uh what's going on with crazy bread are we still a dollar for that no dad uh hello

long? Hold on, hold on, hold on. How long? Yeah. Yeah. Uh, the crazy bread, what's going

on with that? Did you raise the price of that? Crazy bread is $2.50. Shit, that used to be

a dollar. What fucking happened? It's how much? $2.50 for crazy bread? Yeah. Man, you

know, crazy bread is just a pizza dough by itself and some garlic butter is brushed on

It's cheaper to make than a pizza.

Uh, uh, I'll s- what if I suck your dick?

Meh!

Hey, I'll s- I'll suck your pussy.

Meh!

Hey honey, you can't leave the phone off the hook because people call to order pizza.

You can't do that.

You have to hang up and then they have to call back.

Thank you for holding.

How can I help you?

Hey, how you doing, man?

I was calling because I'm looking to suck your dick, you know?

Oh, come on.

This is retarded.

This isn't even...

That guy wasn't down at all, honey.

Thank you for choosing Little City, 7 Mile to Huntington.

DeJuan speaking.

How can I help you?

DeJuan, beautiful black creature.

How are you?

You said what?

Hey, DeJuan, beautiful black creature.

How are you doing?

You trying to order, man?

Uh, yeah.

I had a question I had about the hot and ready pizza.

All right.

What about it?

The shit was $5. Now the shit is $6. I don't understand.

Ain't no $6. It's only still $5.30.

Come on. It was $5, motherfucker, you.

You said what?

It was $5 before, motherfucker, you. What happened?

You want the hot and ready or not?

Well, how much? $5?

$5.30 out the door.

I want to order one.

That's it?

And I want to order crazy bread. How much is that?

What about some sauce?

No, I don't like sauce unless you got garlic butter, but I don't want the pre-made garlic butter.

I want the stuff you make right there.

You do that?

We don't do no...

We don't make garlic butter.

You're fucking lazy.

I'm used to it.

Anyway.

What kind of garlic butter you got?

Ken's?

Is that what it is?

No.

It's like a small container.

It's nasty, though, man.

I don't like that.

I like the real garlic butter, man.

You guys got...

All right.

You guys got the butter.

All right.

What if I suck your dick?

Well, you're trying to order more of what?

Yeah, but can I just get the stuff you spread on the fucking crazy bread?

Alright, that's what I need.

Butter and parm?

Whatever it is you put in the Crazy Bread, that's what I want.

I don't want that nasty shit that's in the fucking small container.

Alright, I understand. That's all for you.

How much is it, then, for a cup of that?

$7.95.

$7.95 for a cup of that?

That's for all together, your whole order.

So what are you going to put on it, though?

The stuff you put in the Crazy Bread?

Butter and parm goes on bread.

No, I don't want the parm.

I just want the butter and the garlic flavor.

What do you mean garlic?

butter is butter is garlic it's like the butter already is like the garlic yeah that's what i'm

saying i want the garlic butter but i don't want the parm in it man i just want the garlic butter

homie come on man yeah all right did you do you really want this because you're wasting my time

i'm hungry man i'm hungry i gotta eat my blood sugar's low i'm diabetic all right your total

seven i understand i understand but i don't even know i don't even know how i'm gonna get there

to be honest with you that's how fucked up i am right now well all right just call back when you're

ready because no i'm ready i'm ready i'm hungry now i want the food i'm not sure what you're trying

to tell me well i want to order the food i'm going to order that but uh i gotta figure out how to get

there you know all right it's 7.95 what's the name for the order uh my name is negro negro yeah

all right hey what if i suck your dick the black culture doesn't like to deal with that at all

black culture doesn't like to address homosexuality or talk about it or nothing

so back in my day back 10 years ago the hot and ready pizza was five dollars and then they would

tell you want crazy bread with that and if you said yes i want crazy bread with that it was an

extra it was a dollar that's how they got you because they made money off of it they've raised

that shit to two something god damn it and then yeah but yeah was it ever was it ever even worked

oh dude crazy bread is awesome it's better than the pizza there the crazy bread's the best thing

in little caesar's motherfucker you can't you can't eat off of you can't live off a crazy bird

you got to get the pizza first and then like when you ordered sauce that you had two sauces they

had the marinara that they put themselves in a cup they filled the cups themselves a marinara

and then they had

a garlic butter that they filled them

they made it there and they filled it and it was

basically it was you ever get

that parquet squeeze butter

in the blue plastic bottle

you know what I'm talking about

it's like a butter that you squeeze

out of a bottle you know what I'm trying to tell you

it's like margarine

oh yeah dude I know

there's a brand name that's for me

it's parquet

is that it okay

I know what you're talking about

That was a parquet?

Yeah, whatever.

It comes in a blue bottle now.

It was that with garlic powder mixed in it.

They made it there.

They made a big batch, and they poured it into these little ramekin fucking containers.

And each sauce you wanted was a dollar.

And then I love that.

The main reason I went there is...

Do you like the parquet?

It's like trans fat, dude.

I don't think they use it anymore, do they?

Well, they don't.

That's the whole thing.

the main reason I went to Little Caesars

was for this sauce

and the crazy bread

they're using margarine though dude

that's like fucking bad for you

that's where that trans fat shit comes from

I know I know

I didn't know if you knew that

but then here's the shit

here's what happened

I went back one day

and I said I'll take the butter

and they gave me one of those

it was like when you go to a shitty restaurant

and they give you like this

It's the prepackaged ranch dressing that's in the container.

Oh, yeah, yeah, kind of like the truck stop has.

Yeah, basically like Papa John's.

It looks like a ketchup by Heinz or something.

No, like Papa John's.

It's basically Papa John's' garlic butter.

It's the same thing.

I don't like that.

Dude, that shit is nasty because I tell you what,

and I don't know if it's the pizza with Papa John's or the sauce,

but you start using that garlic butter

and by the time you start getting about

two thirds of the way down in the garlic butter

it's like water in the container

you're just dipping in the water with shit

floating in it like all the oil goes away

that sounds like it is

it's water with

margarine is it just separates maybe

I don't know

no no no the oil comes out

and then it goes into the material

that was left there was the water that was

mixed with it

It's like taking a bowl of water and shaking it until it makes you get so calm in your life, right?

Literally like that.

And then whenever you separate, that shit separates and goes back to water.

It's not good for you, dude.

It's really bad for your cholesterol or what's one of those?

Your heart.

That's why they call it heart, okay.

Okay. I know it's bad for you, and that's why they kicked it out of everybody's diet.

You know, what's really sad is before your time, probably, I don't know if you remember,

but before your time, all these commercials, it was always margarine, butter, and butter,

but butter was the worst damn thing there was in the world.

And margarine was the best thing there was for you.

And turn around, find out later on, all those decades, man, they were telling people to eat that shit,

and it was giving people heart attacks.

well uh this strip mall that i'm at here everything closed at 10

uh maybe it's hard yeah they closed at 10 they're not open uh let's see

where the hell is that at man detroit this uh this target is still open

well detroit's fucking dead town man that's why

they're ghetto as hell obviously as you can tell from these calls i'm having a good time

hi thanks for calling we are now hiring if you're interested in joining our team

call something else dude hang up call something else please please hold while you're all right

let me go somewhere else fuck it we'll slide that in later get better at it all right all right all

right i said please okay thank you you know what it is i didn't really think well think about what

What you're calling a beat truck?

Those guys actually know people are homeless up there and shit.

It's probably feasible to him that there'd be a homeless dude calling.

He'd be like, come on, man.

They're like taking apart buildings and shit.

Is it burning down?

Thank you for calling Olive Garden.

Burning down.

To go or cater to favorites is now faster and easier than ever.

Simply visit OliveGarden.com to place your online order.

Invalid entry.

Please try again.

Piece of shit phone.

Great, it was ringing.

hey honey how are you i'm good how are you i'm sexual uh do you have bathroom there for me to

use okay good and wait a minute is this lebanese food or is this a store the store the restaurant

lebanese cuisine yeah okay you have bathroom i can use okay and um do i have to be by a customer

to use the bathroom sorry do i have to be customer to use the bathroom no no it's okay you can walk

can use the bathroom don't mind okay because i want to take a bath in the sink i'm sorry i want

to i want to take a do you have hot water there i think there's hot water i'm gonna i'm gonna bathe

in the sink i'm gonna bathe i'm gonna use soap and i'm gonna clean my private parts oh you can't

do that here well you said i can use bathroom i'm just i'm just gonna go to you know make number

one number two is what i tell you but i'm really gonna go do you have soap loofah hello hello hi

Hi, Sharmuta, how are you?

Excuse me?

Hi, Sharmuta, how are you?

Sharmuta.

Uh-oh.

Yeah, she had soap and a loofah.

How annoying am I?

She's like, yeah, you can use it.

She was nice enough to say, I don't need to buy anything.

I can just use the bathroom.

Toilet brush.

After you've got a toilet brush next time, that'll do.

So, I didn't know what the toilet brush was for.

My grandma.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

I was going to use the bathroom there.

Do you have loofah or soap I can use?

No.

Oh, do you have sharmuta?

No.

But the lady said I could come in and take a bath in the shower like a bird.

Oh, no.

Bird bath, bird bath.

No.

No?

No, you can't do that.

Is there a toilet brush in the men's room?

No.

That you use to clean?

No, we don't have a bathroom, sorry.

Yeah, you do.

I mean, I'm pretty sure you guys have one at McDonald's, so...

Oh, my God.

Okay.

So, anyway, what I was saying is I didn't know what the toilet brush was,

and my grandma used to use it, and she would hang it on the towel rack that was inside the shower.

So I was taking a shower once in my grandma's house, and I'm like, oh, wow, back scrubber.

And I used it for, like, a few days.

I was using the back scrubber, and it was a toilet brush the whole time.

I was using it to clean my back.

I was like, this is great.

You can get your whole back with it.

And then, like, a few days later, I was doing it for a few days,

and then I noticed my grandma was cleaning the toilet, and she was using that,

and I realized what it was, and I felt really stupid.

How old was you?

Maybe 10, 9, 10.

You cleaned your back with it?

Yeah, because I thought it was a back scrubber, and I came to find out.

It was a back scrubber, dude.

No, it wasn't.

It was a toilet brush.

Why would you take the back scrubber using the toilet?

That don't make no sense.

Start with me, man.

Who the hell told you different, dude?

That was all our back scrubbers.

Fuck you, man.

You didn't know that?

You didn't know that American bathrooms have back scrubbers in them sometimes?

Oh, man.

Hang on.

Let me go to a new city here.

Americans, damn it.

Americans.

Alrighty.

Yeah, they're back scrubbers, dude.

Don't worry about it, dude.

You can use mine any time.

All right, we're here at the PetSmart in a different state.

Thank you for calling PetSmart.

For general store information and questions, press zero or stay on the line.

This is where Lowe's hangs up on Corbido.

Thanks for calling PetSmart.

This is Shannon.

How may I help you?

Hey, Big Shannon, how you doing?

Good, how are you?

I'm doing good, big girl.

Do you have a bathroom there for the person to use?

We do have a bathroom in here, yes.

Oh, good, good.

What's it like?

Is it just a single room, or does it have stalls?

It's a single room.

Okay, so then I have my own sink in there?

Yes.

Okay, good.

Okay.

I have to go.

No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Is that all you needed?

Is there hot water there?

Because I need to bathe.

Hang on one second.

and I'm going to put you on hold.

Oh, not long, okay?

What?

I'll hold my ass.

Fucking bitch.

She didn't put me on hold,

but she hung up.

Thank you for calling PetSmart.

Did you know that you can book your...

Hello?

Thank you for calling PetSmart.

How can I help you?

Was I just talking to you

and you were going to put me on hold?

No.

Because someone said

they were going to put me on hold

and I'm disconnected.

Hey, so you do have a bathroom there, right?

We do.

Okay, does it have hot water?

I believe so.

Oh, good, because I need to bathe.

Okay.

I feel like this is a safe zone, maybe, you know, where not too many people will be put off by me bathing in there.

Is there a toilet brush in there that I can use for my underarms and my back and all that?

Let me put you on hold for just one second.

Oh, please don't hang up, all right?

Put me on hold if you're going to be on hold, okay?

Because the last...

Yeah, no, I'm going to put you on hold.

I'm not going to hang up.

Stupid woman did that.

All right, thank you.

Don't take too long.

Hello?

For holding, sir.

Hi.

Okay, so you cannot bathe in our bathroom.

I'm sorry, but thank you for calling.

No, but you already said you have one.

I'm going to come and do it.

Okay, well, I'm just telling you that you can't bathe in the bathroom, okay?

But how are you going to know?

Thank you for calling, okay?

How are you going to know?

Yeah, whatever.

She ain't going to do shit.

T-Mobile, I know they don't have a bathroom,

so let's call them and harass them about the bathroom.

Ask them if you can use the dog bathing section instead of the bathroom.

and the dog bait that if you can use it.

Oh, my God, that's right.

Thank you for calling T-Mobile.

We're the un-carrier.

How may I help you?

Hi, honey.

How are you?

Good.

How are you?

I love T-Mobile.

Yay!

Everybody loves T-Mobile.

Yay!

The un-carrier.

Yay!

What's your CEO's name?

The guy with the beautiful hair?

Oh, John Ledger.

He is a superhero.

I want to suck his dick.

Yay!

Oh, my gosh.

I think I need to hang up now.

No, no, no, no.

I'm sorry.

I went too far.

I'm sorry.

Okay?

Yeah, you're going to get me terminated, sir.

No, no, no, I have a legitimate question.

All right, number one, do you have a bathroom there?

Well.

I'm going to get her terminated.

Terminated?

Dang, poof.

Piss in that pot.

Take a shit in the pot.

Boy.

Yeah, man, try that.

Tell me when I ask if you can use the dog bath part instead.

Yeah, you're right.

They've got a whole grooming setup.

They bathe the dogs all day.

They can use that hose.

Dry them and everything, dude.

Dude, they do the whole shit.

They can express pain.

You can watch them.

Yeah, ask them if you can go back there and do that, man.

You ever express a dog's anal gland, Milkman?

No, but tell them you need yours done, Tom.

Yes!

I'm going to call back and say that.

Express pain.

Big Shannon, all right, Big Shannon.

It's like, oh my God, you're going to get me fired.

I got to go.

Actually, really, I don't think so.

I think she just put you on hold and said that.

Yeah, John Legere is actually pretty, he's a pretty cool dude, man.

I think he's doing some great stuff.

I must say.

So let's call back the PetSmart, yeah.

All right.

Let's get the Armando a doggy bath, if nothing else, yeah.

If he can't do a hobo bird bath, he can get him a doggy bath.

Thank you for calling PetSmart Grooming.

This is Cam Oaken, I hope.

Oh, you're a male groomer?

Yep.

Oh, you don't know what that means.

Hey, so you guys bathe the dog and all that, right?

Yeah.

And do you express the anal gland?

We do.

Okay, can you explain that for me? Why and how that works and why that's done and how it's done?

What? No glands?

Yeah, like why do you have to do that? I don't understand.

It's just sometimes they get full and it's not really good for them to be full all the time.

Sometimes they'll leak or whatever it is.

So we just do it to empty it out.

So it's like a gland at the tip of the bottom, the base of the tail?

Yeah, basically.

And when you squeeze it and it pops like a pimple with all the ass and stuff come out?

uh less yeah oh wow so um i need to take a bath myself and i was gonna come in and book for me to

come in and get a bath and groom and all that a sani also do you do that sani yeah okay so you'll

do that for me and then will you express my anal gland then sure it'll cost you extra though where

is it where is it on the on the man i would i would need to go i would need my um i have to go

go get my gloves okay and i'm probably gonna have to to reach about elbow deep in okay do you have

poppers um i'm actually not sure i'll probably just uh i just use my hands well do you have

you know what poppers are poppers for you know that you smell the poppers no okay yeah no we

don't have those well you know what they are right that you're talking about something i'm not sure

no oh come on you're gay you know what they are i'm not hey you're you're a male dog groomer all

All right.

I'm actually not a groomer.

What do you do?

Bathe.

Oh, that's still, you're involved in it, though.

That's, you're gay.

Come on, man.

No, not really.

Yeah.

I don't think so.

It's just like if you're a male nurse.

Like, we don't need to make a big deal about it, but we, I mean, I know, it's like, I'm

a male dog bather.

Like, oh, homosexual.

It's cool that they let you come out in society and have a job.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

Yeah, that's good.

That's good that they let you do that.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's awesome, actually.

Does your partner get benefits also?

No, unfortunately.

That's sad.

Yeah, that kind of sucks.

Is that a state-level thing or a work-level thing?

You know, I really don't know, to be honest.

I haven't looked into it.

Well, you should because you guys should be, you know.

I mean, that's part of the problem.

This awareness of medical care crisis right now is because young people, homosexual people like you,

don't want to get medical care, and it raises the cost on the rest of us that need it and want it

because not everyone is buying into the program.

That's the problem.

I've got a friend, Milkman.

You sound like you know a lot about this.

I do.

I have a friend, Milkman, and he didn't file his taxes for like 10 years.

And he's always like, oh, my elbow, kidney stones, all this stuff.

And I'm like, go to the doctor.

He's like, I don't have medical insurance.

I'm like, you can get this shit for free, motherfucker, you know.

He's like, oh, I don't pay taxes.

You know.

Okay.

Anyway, so look, you and your partner need to get that because you should at least be on the PrEP medication for HIV

because you're at a higher risk for that as a male dog groomer in training.

I actually, I don't think I am, honestly.

I don't think I'm at risk at all.

You are at a higher risk because of your lifestyle.

No, I don't think so.

Again, I'm not talking against your lifestyle, no.

No.

I'm not against it.

You know, sure, I've thought about it before.

Maybe I've been a little curious in the past, but that's not for me.

No, that sounds about right.

That's not for me, though, all right?

And it's for you, and that's good.

That's fine if it's for you, but you need to describe it.

Yeah, it's cool.

It has pros and cons.

Yeah, you need to get on PrEP, though, okay?

Get on that HIV PrEP, all right, so you don't spread that nasty bug.

I don't think I need it, though.

All right, okay, you're still in denial.

But when you decide to not deny that you're a gay, then you need it in your boyfriend or whatever it is.

No, I just don't think I need the prep.

Why?

You're not promiscuous?

No.

I don't do that.

But all gay men are.

No.

I don't think so.

Is there a lady?

I don't think that's how it works.

Is there a woman I can talk to?

Yeah.

A nice woman?

Yeah.

Well, we don't have any nice women in here.

Can you put a bitch on the phone?

I don't think we have any of those.

You have female dogs.

Give me just one second.

Okay, thank you.

Here we go.

Seriously, we have a lot of young men that listen to the show, teenage years,

and some of them are, of course, homosexual by the numbers, and that's fine.

We welcome you here, your people, with us.

That's great.

I want you to, if you are a homosexual and you're sexually active,

you might want to keep in mind

that you're at a higher risk of developing HIV

and there are

medications

there's a medication you can take now

which virtually eliminates

it's not a vaccine

but it can greatly greatly reduce

the chances

something around 70%

or more your chances

of getting

HIV

actually I'm looking at the numbers now

Now, daily PrEP reduces the risk of getting HIV from sex by more than 90%.

So that's better.

That's about condom level right there.

So they only have to get their anal glands expressed for that to work, right?

That and...

Regularly?

No, let's be serious.

Well, weekly, daily?

Milkman, come on.

Is it monthly, yearly?

Milkman, come on.

Be serious.

We're giving serious information here to the kids, okay?

We're talking about anal gland expression, right?

It's a once-a-day injection or once-a-day pill or something,

thing but if it it reduces your chances of getting hiv from intravenous drug use by 70

by having homo sex by 90 matt hellock just uh started this a few couple months ago he loves it

uh he doesn't have to use condoms anymore and uh he feels a lot safer he feels good he's doing his

part to society uh that he's not spreading hiv or the getting a chance of okay not saying he

He does have HIV, but he's at a higher chance of contracting HIV.

So Matt did the responsible thing, and he got on PrEP.

It's pre-exposure prognosis.

So if you are a homosexual or looking into this,

not very much is known about it,

but within the last year or so, it was approved by the FDA.

It's suggested for men with promiscuous lifestyles,

higher risk of HIV contraction.

You get on this, and it greatly reduces your chance of contracting HIV,

HIV, the virus that causes AIDS.

Thank you.

Time to do a call to the manhole, right?

Yeah, tell me about it.

Milkman, you might want to look into that, too, yourself.

That's okay, dude.

I'll take your word for it, man.

You're going to live a lot longer.

Well, you use, like, toilet seats, like, public toilet seats all the time.

That's a big, big risk.

No, I don't.

Actually, that's the thing I've got a real big deal about.

I actually will drive home.

You want to do a little shit in the toilet there?

I'll either go outside or...

There's some places to go outside.

Hello, Little Caesars?

I thought they picked up.

Milkman, there's some stores that are good, though, for shitting.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm kind of...

It's only in emergency cases, so...

And I actually do a prep before I even sit down.

I make sure I'm down, up in the bottom, because, like...

Thank you so much for doing that, Grand River and Ward.

Would you like to try the extra mouth bath?

Do you have toilet?

What the fuck is going on back there?

That's the Little Caesars.

Yeah, toilet.

that's the little seizures from earlier calling them back yeah buddy 12 year anniversary show

good old time here i can't wait till we have it dude it's happening right now stop it stop it

all my ass this is no way dude this this level of preparation hey i never prepare what did i

have to prepare what to play a few pranks and some music uh i can do that in 30 minutes with

with my eyes closed here

when I feel like

doing a show.

So we can do it

like at a time

whenever,

you know,

we can get everybody

here available.

We've got people

listening actually.

I don't think

anybody knew about it.

I certainly didn't

know about it.

I don't need to.

Look,

right now,

let me see.

109 listeners.

That seems pretty good

to me.

That's about what we have.

That's down quite a bit.

No, it's not.

Okay.

It's not.

Stop it.

Why are you being like this?

Why are you being so mean?

I'm not being mean.

I'm just like surprised

last week

and then all of a sudden poof you're like i mean you're really hurting my feelings i'm really

starting to feel a certain way the way you're being with me like nasty uh i'm trying to call

this place called scrub and beyond because i'm interested in the beyond part if you know what i

mean okay i want to go oh come on uh nothing but bundt cakes are you for real there's a place that

does nothing but bundt cakes are they open no they're closed until nine holy shit bundt cakes

I can't imagine a company could okay, whatever a business that sells us bunking. So be it whatever. Here's an Ulta beauty

I've never been in one, but I seen it from outside. They look very white white people store here. I knew

How you doing, how you doing GNC I'm happy I'm just leaving the

Planet Fitness, you know, and I really need to step on my game

Do you know anyone you know, like do you work out? No, because

Because usually, like, the guys at GNC work out and stuff.

Do you get a lot of people that work out there?

Did anyone maybe leave a card that maybe has some kind of, you know, medicines that might help out a little bit?

You know, I'm just, I mean, yeah, because, like, these, like, Planet, man, I go to Planet Fitness, and I'll tell you what.

It's just nothing but old guys, old men, and none of them know anything about, you know, PEDs or anything like that.

So, you know, anything, injections, hormones, anything like that, you don't know anyone?

Is there...

Who?

Health for Life.

What's that?

Health for Life?

Wait a minute.

Let me write this down.

What is this?

They're in town?

And what do they do there?

They got, like, the shit?

Okay.

All right.

But, like, they can get me some juice and stuff?

I don't know.

You got to check...

Hang on.

702 what?

45.

Is that a real number, man?

Because you just said 666.

Don't mess with me.

Thank you for calling Health for Life, Las Vegas' premier concierge internal medicine clinic,

treating common conditions to chronic diseases.

Hey, man.

If you are an existing member of Health for Life, please press 1.

Is this like an urgent care or something?

No, this is concierge medicine.

You'll be able to...

Health for Life and potential...

It sounds like some doctor's office or something.

So they sell, like, the shit there, then?

He left.

They're not even open now.

Hi, this is Catherine.

How can I help you?

Hi, this is Health for Life?

Yes.

Oh, cool.

Well, I was just talking to the guy at GNC.

I was leaving Planet Fitness, and he works out there,

and he told me to give him a call because I need to get some –

I need to really step up my game, you know.

I want to make some gains, you know.

And, you know, I mean, I'm looking for, you know,

just certain medications that might help out, you know, with that.

So we are – so who did you talk to?

Do you remember his name?

The black guy at GNC?

I don't know his name.

Probably Chris.

I guess.

Was it maybe Chris?

Maybe, I don't know.

Okay, that's okay.

Well, I'll tell you what we do, and then you can tell me if you think maybe this is a good step.

So we are a concierge internal medicine practice.

We basically take care of patients' health from, you know, head to toe, common conditions, all the way to chronic stuff.

And we really focus and specialize in hormone balancing.

So looking at each patient individually, looking at where your hormone levels are,

And then, you know, through proper medication and everything, optimizing those to meet your results while still keeping you in optimal health.

So basically, yeah.

You'll figure out what kind of juice I can get, right?

Well, it's all medication.

So we look at.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wink, wink.

Yeah, wink, wink.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you have a real doctor?

Yes, it's totally a real clinic.

Like we are 100% a concierge internal medicine clinic.

so it's the same type of doctor that you would see like if you went to the hospital the same

level of physician like if i had kidney stone or something like that exactly yeah any type of

internal medicine situation or like a primary care doctor so he um does similar situations he

just specializes in hormone balancing so our process here what's his name his name is dr

dr thomas alfreda is he hispanic no he is um i guess his descent by italian oh nice i like that

nice dark features right nice handsome man i guess so okay where's uh where's his uh degree

from his medical license uh medical degree where'd he go um i think he went to toro university here

in vegas actually 12 12 never heard of that where was his residency at well you know what you can

And I can send you some information.

You can kind of look him up.

But his name is Dr. Thomas Alfreda.

Okay.

How big are his sexual organs?

Who is this?

No, I'm really interested.

I need to, like, really got to blow up.

I want to blow up my muscles, you know.

Well, I've got to find a place for you then.

I mean, will you guys do the injections for me?

Or do I have to get someone to put them in my ass?

I think maybe, who is this?

Do you have Andro?

This has got to be, like, a joke.

Andro Stone?

Andro?

Andro Stone?

What is it?

Oh, my gosh.

Who is it?

I don't know who you are.

Cross.

Man, it's cross.

Do you have the black pills with the yellow stripes on it?

Okay.

Yeah, that's one of those places.

Yeah, yeah.

Hormone imbalance.

Yeah, right, Milkman.

You know what's up.

Well, you know what that means.

You know what that means, Milkman.

Oh, okay.

She's gone.

Okay.

I didn't want to spoil it.

No, no.

That one she said, oh, to be transsexual, right?

Okay, turn into transsexual hormone imbalance and balance and all that shit.

it because your hormones yeah they're gonna make it so your uh dick starts turning into a clip i

hear that i hear people talk about that shit sometimes oh well you're in san francisco of

course you're stuff that's what i'm saying that's why you could take that angle or that that uh

what is it the transsexual thing trans testicle yeah transgender or whatever motherfucker hey so

have you had transgender have you had any trans uh in your uber yet uh have you had any trans

transgender uh customers in uber yet like to get in the car not that i know of i have probably

some of them i could have got had questions about if i'd really taken the time to look at them

but you don't care you're just working right you don't care don't give a shit dude i mean if you

want to you know if you want to cut your beater off and slice it into a hot dog bun you know i

don't give a fuck that's your business dude call kdk right that's what i'm saying well i mean you

You know, if you want to get that basset hound here going.

Yeah.

You ever had any women kind of try to throw it on you, throw it at you a little bit?

That has happened, yeah.

I actually got action.

I remember a while back, back in the day, whenever I met the Baltic chick, what the fuck was she from?

Oh, yeah.

She was, like, French or something?

No, dude, she was both French.

She was a degree in French literature and a whole bunch of shit.

What the fuck was she from?

Bob Gurian.

Yeah?

Bob Gurian.

Yeah, that's right.

That's right.

You were in the middle

of the show

and you started acting

really weird

and you're like,

I gotta go for 30 minutes.

I'm like, okay.

Yeah, I was banging

that chick, man.

Wow.

For a couple months.

She's not bad, dude.

Did she try to play

with her nipples?

Was she the one?

No.

I didn't see it.

We didn't waste time

with that kind of shit.

Did you do analingus

on her?

I mean,

I'm going to

neglect the comment.

Okay, all right.

All right.

on anything further.

That's fine, that's fine.

You've told us enough, Milkman.

You've told us enough.

I'm sorry to intrude

in your sexual life.

Just leave it to Beaver

that Cleaver would have to.

We can only imagine

how that went.

Milkman, I gotta tell you.

It went well.

It went quite well, actually, dude.

It sure did, yeah.

In fact, it's not

a bad-looking chick, dude.

I mean, I would say more,

but I don't want to narrow it down.

All right, all right.

Quite a bit younger than me, too, dude.

I don't get it.

I don't know how it happened

listen Milkman I gotta take a break

when we come back we got more numbers

we got a lot of Parkman numbers to get to

a lot of 24 hour lines and such

we can keep calling the West Coast

maybe we get some Lowe's roulette in there

I don't know

let's get some numbers we're answering dude

that's good

we've been having some trouble there

for a little bit

thanks for bringing that up

everyone knows now

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm not saying anything like that.

I mean, if you can't figure that out for yourself,

then some of the numbers are down.

I'm sorry.

I got you.

All right, I got it.

Milkman, I'll be right back.

Hang on, all right?

All right.

We got prank calls coming up, you sexual boy.

You Belgium Baltic girl fucker in the car, you.

Damn, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to have to tell you, but I didn't know, man.

That's a good old day.

You're listening to Madhouse Live Live on the largest prank call station in the nation.

Prank call nation.

Madhouse

radio will be back right after this

I hope that when you die, they put your GPS in your box and a trapdoor at the bottom.

So when you die, you open a trapdoor at the bottom, you check the GPS, and you go straight down to the hell.

Madhouse Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman. You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

It's me, Curly, the often-imitated, never-duplicated king of prank calls, the king of Thursday night, the prince of pranks, the dominatrix of domineering,

the lord of the haws, the phone number king, the best prank caller ever, the best prank caller alive.

For the last 12 years.

I'm here with my brother man, Milkman.

How you doing, Milkman?

I can't say any of that stuff about you.

Sorry.

Oh.

Hey.

Hey, buddy.

How's it going, buddy?

Hell yeah, man.

I can't believe it, man.

After all this years.

I can't.

I knew it was death.

You're breaking it.

You're not breaking it.

Uh-oh.

Losing you.

You there? Hello, hello

Hello, hello

Yeah, there we go

You were breaking up a little bit there for a second

Oh, okay, 87 years ago

87 years ago, what?

Yeah

Is that when you started the show?

You started 87 years ago?

Did you think we'd be, what did you think we would be in 12 years?

What did you think we'd be on Sirius Satellite Radio or something?

Dude, I never thought we would be doing anything for 12 years

Fuck, I didn't think it would last more than fucking a year to advance.

Gee, thanks, Milkman.

That's a lot of big vote of confidence from my crew.

Yeah, I didn't think it was going to...

I didn't, I don't know.

I mean, I forget when it kept going and going,

but, I mean, when we first started, dude,

I mean, if you're asking what I first thought,

I didn't think it was going to go on for long.

Shit, dude.

That's crazy.

Well, you know, when we first started,

hell, I just thought it was one of those things, you know?

Well, but, you know, look, they just kept going, you know.

I'm not saying that I didn't figure it out after a while,

but if you ask me what I first thought,

no, I didn't think it was going to be a big 12-year thing.

I mean, there was no way, dude.

I didn't think we'd be doing that shit for 12 years.

If you asked you then, I don't think you'd ask things

that thought they'd be 12 years, would you?

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know.

I didn't think I'd be alive, to be honest with you.

Diabetes, you know.

Diabetes.

You know, you had all kinds of shit going on when I first met you.

You're just getting over eights at the time.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Come on, man.

That's not funny.

You know I'm on the prep.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to.

I don't know how you mean so much about that medication.

Prince of darkness.

Arch in the dark.

You know I'm on the prep, Milkman.

Come on, man.

Let's do some parkman numbers.

Are you all right if I open the lines here for some people to join in, Milkman?

You okay with that?

Horny little devil.

You got to back up.

You horny little devil.

You can't bust a nut.

Milkman.

If he doesn't say no

I can let him

They got big baby

Baz around

Look man

Did I lose you

Brother

Brother Milk

Should I try to call him back

I'll give you a few

More minutes

Respond

Hello sir

Are you there

Yeah what happened

Where'd you go

I couldn't hear you

I was talking.

I was talking to you.

Maybe it's up and on here.

Hold on a second.

You want me to call you back?

Yeah.

Wait.

Give me like a whole minute, okay?

I'm going to like turn this thing back on and off.

Okay, because this call's been two hours, 20 minutes, so maybe it's getting a little

long in the tooth.

You know what I mean?

Milkman, listen.

When you get the call, it's not going to be from my cell phone.

It's going to be from a random number.

It's going to be, you know, I don't know.

I don't know what it's going to be.

Hold on.

All right, just let me see if I can just reset it, turn the bleep juice off.

Just hold on a minute.

All right, go ahead.

You do that.

Get a taste of the chocolate.

African breasts.

Because white bitches have no butt and no chest.

Black women have bodies like goddesses.

Sort of like Venus, but put away your penis.

Because the devil is a savage motherfucker.

That's why I'm hotter than the average mother.

Congratulations coming in from Matt fucking Hellock.

Thank you, Matt.

Because nobody in the neighborhood.

Thank you very much to all my prank call friends.

Got a lot of good friends here.

here i got milkman it's my brother one of my friends is big dwight how you doing brother man

good evening bitches hey man sorry for your loss don't know if it's public but we don't

have to talk about it but i love you man yeah i love you too all right man it's good to talk

to you dwight how you been i am all right good good good to hear you i saw you released a podcast

this week or a youtube cast i guess because you don't put them on podcast anymore yeah i don't

know how you don't know how we gotta work with that we gotta work with you on getting that going

man you know uh big baby baz is out there we've got a cpu connect and jayad is also

somewhat available i think oh you're choppy you're a very choppy

what can i hear you see if it's a call

either call her at me when you're there i added baz to see if he can make he may not be able to

i'm gonna be in and out for a while but uh that's what she said

uh-huh yeah well that's what he said i just said it

how you been man how's science and cells good good cells for cells for full science

you're working on hiv at all we talked about cancer

cancer yep that's the focus of the company

Yes, I think so, Jaiad.

We got Jaiad.

Jaiad, the brawn

and the power behind causing

mass confusion.

That's not a keeper throwing back.

Alright.

Jaiad, how you doing, sir?

Jaiad.

Good job.

12 years.

12 fucking years, right?

Congratulations, motherfucker!

Jaiad, when did you start doing your pranks?

you started doing the phone mobs and stuff when did that start though um my basic history is i i

may after i'd done pranks when i was like a little kid but i after hearing jerky boys i made a tape

when i was like 15 or 16 and then all of a sudden 2002 i started phone mobbing a local place and

then i edited all that up into one uh 2007 but i put out a couple of cds before that and then now

now and then i was on hiatus until what was it about 2013 when i found you guys yeah i mean i'm

the same i used to do a lot of pranks on my own and then when i was in puerto rico i was in puerto

rico every summer as a kid me and my cousin would do a lot of prank calls from our uncle's dental

dentist office um on his old rotary phone we used to have a lot of fun it's a long story he was a

a really bad dentist like really bad but um and yeah and actually contributes to nowadays i have

dental like anxiety like i have to get the gas every time i have to go to sedation dentistry

here and the dentist is like you know you're just getting it i do too he's like you know you're just

getting teeth cleansed like i can't and i explained to him the story i look like you know my uncle he

he was a dentist he was trained in the navy in the 50s 40s maybe um so like he was just like

fucking no bedside manner and he would just fucking yank the shit out of you didn't give a

fuck you know no novocaine no nothing's like all right hang on boom i could take right holy shit

and his it was a sty his office it was in puerto rico fucking puerto rico this fucking guy um and

And I developed such a fear of dentistry because he would, like, drill into my teeth.

Because my mom was like, oh, well, we're not going to go to the dentist here during the school year.

You wait until the summer and you go to Uncle Lopez.

Hold on, Dr. Nargis.

Yeah.

Well, I based a lot of the Dr. Nargis after him.

But he was like, save it for him.

And this motherfucker would get in there.

He didn't give a shit.

He'd yell at me during it.

I was like, stop going!

Because I'm his nephew, so he could get away with shit.

He's like, God damn it.

Carl, stop fucking moving.

Stop, stop.

Yeah.

Because of his ass, I ended up having to have a root canal when I was 10 years old

because of shit that he did to my teeth, that motherfucker.

So ever since then, big fear, but I started finally going to the dentist again

like two years ago, getting cleanings and checkups.

Yeah, and fucking Baz, do you know anything, do any of you guys,

Baz, because he's our medical geek or whatever guy,

what do you know about wisdom teeth?

Uh, you don't need them.

Okay.

I know that.

You don't even need your primary molars.

Right.

They don't really do nothing except for get infected and stuff, I guess.

Yeah, because I had to have mine, not only my wisdom teeth out, I had to have a couple primaries out just a few months ago.

I had all four of my wisdom teeth pulled out at the same time.

And they come in, they often, there's not enough room in the mouth for them.

And so they can mess up your other teeth.

so that's why they just take them out almost as a matter of routine these days yeah but listen i

i'm under the impression that my wisdom teeth have erupted they've grown if they haven't started any

shit yet and i'm 37 or whatever the fuck i am why not just leave them alone like they're not

gonna grow go anywhere as long as they keep brushing back there enough to keep them from

getting diseased and cavitied is there they're not gonna keep growing and growing and growing

until they shoot out of the side of my mouth are they they're already sort of like in in place then

no i wouldn't think so yeah this fucking dentist is like well yeah we gotta we gotta get these

wisdom teeth out here you know you really should think about that so my dad is 83 and he still has

his wisdom teeth yeah basically the nine have come through straight they're like a little longer one

of them is a little longer on the side a little bit other than that but you know he knows you

like to go to sleep and then it's just another option for him to fondle you that's yeah and

that's the famous jerky boys call where he he woke up his pets are on buttons

well if i remember i think i've talked about this before but the story is kamal

indian guy goes to get his teeth looked at the dentist says sit down punches him in the in the

mouth gives him the laughing gas molests him and he wakes up and then he gets kicked out of the

the back door that's the story you gotta listen to the fucking shit now i gotta hear it you know

me this is dental malpractice i think that's the name of it yes hello are you dentist dental

malpractice um yes went to dentist i i went for two dk they did awful thing you ripped at my gum

I cannot talk. I cannot eat. Passed me and hit me while I'm sleeping. Then he put me under sedation. I wake up my pants on button. He did my teeth. Gum is dripping blood. I cannot even blow bubbles when I chew gum when I drive cab.

and then they get my pants unbuttoned and then they curse me.

9-1.

Yes.

I wake up my pants unbuttoned.

They do this thing.

They don't.

What?

Why?

I'm new in this country and then this is the treatment by people.

What is your name?

My name is Ali Kamal.

Can't make even a true call, nothing.

God will help me a lot.

I pray to Allah that somebody help me.

Please help me.

This man must be stopped.

Did you call another friend?

No, I called you from newspaper.

Okay.

I'm in too much pain.

Too much pain.

Okay.

Yeah, too much pain.

Shut up.

It's the same one.

Poison eye.

My poison eye.

Remember that one?

Yeah.

Poison eye.

Yeah, I had, I'll be honest, I had six teeth out this year.

No, and I'm very, I'm a dental fears patient.

and so i found a sedation dentist that did it gonna get implants they gave me a pill they gave

me a gas they gave me both uh they gave me halcyon so they crush they crush it up and you put it

under your tongue and um then they give you two doses of that and it slides out oh it sounds like

your dentist just fucking bill casby you he did he took me a roofie ax but you're also

Print them blasting people.

Ate it.

Submission dentist.

Yeah, dude, the whole thing.

Like, for me, they just give me gas.

They offer me a Vicodin afterwards to chill out a little bit, but it's the gas.

And I remember the whole thing.

I put in headphones, and I blast the music really loud so I don't have to hear the drilling and all that stuff.

And the laughing gas just makes me feel drunk, you know?

I sit there, and I giggle.

The last time I had it

All I could think about was Turbo

Doing laughing gas on the side

I was like Turbo's going to think I'm so cool

I can't wait to tell him about this

I don't think I ever told him about it

I had this whole thing in my head

About how I'm going to tell Turbo how cool it was

Laughing gas

I wonder if they let you bring your own whippets to the dentist

They give me a flavor choice

Like what would you like to do

Vanilla, orange, grape

I'll take that grape

What flavor drug would you like today, sir?

What flavor hypoxia would you like today?

Shit.

Do you remember in the late 90s, early 2000s, there were these oxygen bars?

Whatever happened to those things?

They all blew up because that's just what they were.

No, it wasn't.

It was like you'd sit down at a bar and breathe out of this tube,

and they'd put a flavor in there.

It was like a hookah bar, you know what I mean?

Like, oh, you want a cola cherry today?

Yeah, we'll hook that up for you.

Here you go.

that dumb yet so they put that idea back on the shelf yeah so did it do nothing were people

freaking out on it i mean what what was the i don't know if they just people just straight up

like i was at the mall once and i was walking by and they set up a kiosk and it was like a

fucking oxygen bar i was scared to do it i wanted to but i was fucking scared yeah yeah speaking of

dentistry uh fucking jason just ripped out my teeth he's a fucking asshole uh well oh you must

He must be playing that Friday the 13th game.

Yeah, he is.

Speaking of Jason, Jason Kaplan is in the chat in Mixler.

I don't know if that's the real Jason Kaplan from the Stern Show or just a fan.

If it is Jason Kaplan, welcome.

Lose some weight because you've got a nice-looking wife.

Dwight wouldn't mind fucking her for you.

Sure.

Wright's lost a worry yet now, 120 pounds down now or something?

About 110.

Good job.

Motherfucker.

We both started our diet around the same time.

He ended up losing double what I did.

Good for you, though, man.

That's a big change.

Did you get new pants yet?

That's an awesome feeling when you get new pants.

I don't wear pants, but I got new shorts, yeah.

I got new shorts.

Okay.

For some reason, I don't not believe that.

I got new shorts and new shirt.

Yes, I do.

Did you go to the Nike factory?

No, they were ordered online.

mine they were from uh i forget what what company it is it's for no it's for big and tall people

because i'm tall so i gotta have those like xlt shirts that are a little longer yeah those yeah

i don't if i'm just gonna tuck it in i'm cool so i'll get an xlt long sleeve shirt so i don't have

to keep tucking it in but if i'm not gonna tuck it in if i get the t it just it looks like a dress

on me man oh yeah that's what my other shirts were looking like they were uh i had gotten

i'm pretty loose they were like uh they were like a five or six x i'm down to like a three now

congratulations let's move on here and get to those numbers that i said parkman has sent in

now i've got a number here for is it the number three it's no it's a lot attended it starts with

one it's a lot attended in honolulu i know you're a big fan of honolulu calls this one i offer to

We'll see you, Dwight, if you're into pranking, though.

Oh, sure.

Here comes Dwight with a prank call.

Thank you for calling Honolulu Volkswagen sales department.

How may I assist your call?

Okay, listen.

Problem happened with my car when I came in there.

Yes, you hear me?

Hello?

Yes, do you hear me?

Did you turn your hearing aids up to 11?

Oh, no.

What's going on?

Oh, no.

Do I have a phone call problem here?

Am I connected correctly?

Oh, shit.

yeah i hear you what's up oh okay it's just your music's playing you can't hear me that well oh

your sound quality is a little off but other than that you're okay i think okay is that better is

that louder or too loud it's better a little too loud now you're kind of yeah let me back down a

a little bit i'm just turning around circling the toilet by the way giad yes sir yeah i've been

wanted been meaning to tell you i've been really enjoying the uh calls of mass confusion thank you

and everybody involved good job i put it put off i put off the last episode uh down for like four

months and now i don't know how many hours this week i have into the last like six eight minutes

of the, I don't know, it's probably about six.

The last six minutes.

It's fucking awesome.

It's going to be great.

It's insane that I actually have a story

arc.

It's going to be good.

You've got to work a cliffhanger in there, man.

There is.

The last episode is kind of like a double

episode. Like the twin

peaks of Frank Call.

Well, what I did is I

basically took my police report, ripped

it apart, and made it all part of the show.

Hey, all right.

There's no better way to do it than just try to be as truthful as you can

and at the same time try to make it entertaining, right?

Yeah.

Let's try this call again.

I'm hoping it was just a temporary issue because everything seems connected okay.

Let's see.

What couldn't you hear?

They couldn't hear.

Thank you for calling Volkswagen sales department.

How may I assist your call?

Hey, how you doing?

You guys are looking for a lot attendant?

A lot attendant.

Let me go ahead and check.

One second.

Please hold, okay?

All right there, chief.

Yes, we are. Were you looking to schedule an appointment to come down down?

Oh, yeah. No, I'll just do my interview on the phone. Thank you.

Oh, you're looking at doing an interview on the phone?

Yeah, I'm just going to go ahead and do it right now.

Okay, one second. Please hold.

Okay.

Thanks for holding. This is John in service. How can I help you?

How you doing? I was calling to apply for the lot attendant position. Thank you.

You're welcome. You're welcome. Are you on island or?

Yes. Yes, I am. I am new to the island, and I need to get the job position,

But I have held a previous position in a similar field on the mainland that I think would qualify me.

Okay, are you currently working as a lot attendant or detailer right now?

I worked as a lot attendant in the United States in Los Angeles, California for a Ford dealership.

And I did the detailing of the cars.

I moved the cars around.

I'm proficient in forward and reverse.

First, you know, that's very important to me that I have both of those down.

And other than that, I guess I also have some experience in chasing off lot lizards because we don't need that riffraff around the around the customers or anything like that.

I see. And are you even come down on Monday to interview or?

I thought we're doing the interview now.

No, I would need to see you in person.

OK, what do my looks have to do with the position?

I mean, that's kind of sexist, isn't it?

Sexist? What does that have to do with that?

Yeah, I mean, you don't even know what I look like, you know.

I could be a man, I could be a woman, but what does that have to do as long as I know how to put the stick in shift and make the car go and put it in the right spot?

I tend to do my interviews live, person to person.

I'll ask for some of your information.

We have a computer.

Have you filled out our Lithia Careers application online yet?

No, I have not.

I saw the ad in the machine.

I saw it in the machine paper, and so I decided to call

because it's very important that I get this position.

All right.

Well, I'm going to have one of our other hiring managers talk to you as well.

Do you have a phone number we can call you back at?

Okay, why don't you go ahead and get him on the phone right now then.

Well, it's 552 here in Hawaii.

The hiring managers actually were based on corporate mainland.

I hope that's not a requirement that I've got to know how to tell time

because that's going to be difficult for me.

You're making it a little difficult for us.

I can transfer you to a hiring manager, but it will be Monday before they'll be able to talk to you.

Well, why couldn't they talk now?

I mean, you're there.

Correct.

I'm here, but you also talked to one of our corporate hiring managers, too.

That's the process at our corporation.

Process.

Okay, I'm writing this down.

You have a phone number we can reach you at?

Okay, now how many days in of the employment before I start getting paid, number one, and also paid vacation time?

It's a year to get paid vacation time here.

A fucking year?

Yeah.

Well, with that language, you're not going to get hired anywhere.

Aloha to you.

Aloha to you, asshole.

That was really good.

I liked it.

At least you said aloha at the end.

I like how you were forcing a phone in your face.

Driving him right along.

Are you saying aloha hello or aloha goodbye?

I'm not sure.

so listen uh parkman put in a craigslist ad for us it's a this is an oldie but a goodie when i

first uh got on phone uh phone on the pla cacti radio stream that first show we uh had a ad put

in for a car that needed to get the fuck out of denny's because it was all wrecked up don't

remember any of those it was a mustang so uh there was a craigslist ad put in in tennessee regarding

Guarding a car that needs to be taken away.

You can take it for free, I guess.

Let me take a look at the Craigslist sign here.

Let me get you the details.

So we got a lot of people that responded back to it.

So here for you boys to read.

Oh, there you go.

So there's an it's for a free old white Chevy car that is not running.

Are you putting that in Skype or?

Oh, I sent it to the wrong guy.

I sent it to Matt.

Matt and Palindrome here also.

Okay, so these are...

I've got to spoof the area code correctly here.

Let me get that.

Palindrome here.

Hi, hello.

Hi, Palindrome.

Hi.

Hey.

Hi.

All right, let me call this Denny's first.

Get a name of a manager.

Good evening.

Thank you for calling Denny's.

This is Gail.

How may I help you?

Hi, Gail.

Bill, may I speak to a supervisor, please?

Okay.

Can I tell him who's calling?

Yes.

This is Bill.

Is it a man or a woman?

A man.

Good, good, good.

Okay.

Okay, thank you.

Hold on, please.

Because I don't like women.

I thought she may have a woman.

I could have just asked for the name of the manager, right?

So

anyway, this is what I'm going to use when I say, hey, my name is Bill.

Just like that.

If you guys know anyone else who might want to join, might be around of the normal crew,

hello, let me know.

Or just drop them in, or however it works.

Let me close some of these links off here.

What time is it in Hawaii?

5.57, the guy just said, I think.

Okay.

Found another mall directory.

The one I linked to earlier is closed.

What were you saying?

You said a mall, but do I just call the store over and over?

Are you called different stores?

Yeah, you know, send them, say, package.

Oh, get your shit out of here.

Yeah, they'll probably be closing.

These, uh, looks like they're open.

Let me call this.

Thank you for calling. This is Kevin. How may I serve you?

Kevin, are you the manager of the machine?

Yes.

Oh, cool. I just want to say I was just there and I had a great experience.

It was really good food. I had a grand slam.

Okay.

It tasted good. Your staff did really good. Everything really good.

Good time. Good experience. Good work.

Oh, thank you so much.

What was your name again? Kevin?

Yes, sir.

All right, honey baby. All right, cool.

Hey, you look really cute, you know.

Maybe we could sit down together and have a chocolate milk together.

No, thank you.

Oh, come on, man.

I won't tell your wife.

It's all right.

I won't tell your wife, motherfucker.

Come on.

Just let this happen.

Come on.

Just go with it.

Whatever.

What's his name?

Kevin?

All right, that's my name.

Kevin.

Guys, remember, what's my name?

Kevin.

Hi, Kevin.

If you guys do any of these, your name is Kevin.

Kevin Smith.

Yes.

So now, second step

according to my list here is

to change caller ID to

match the Denny's. Here we go.

Here.

Anyone see that HBO

special with Jimmy Iovine

and Dr. Dre? I haven't seen it yet.

No. I just subscribed

to my HBO channel.

So I should be able to get it.

Yeah. It was four

episodes. I think they were Monday through Thursday

Dave, from what I understand.

So what do you, did you subscribe

for the Game of Thrones Sunday?

Yeah.

Have you watched the other ones?

I'm about two seasons

behind, so I'm binging this weekend.

Good, good.

Big expectations

to kind of let down. Not many episodes.

What is it, seven episodes?

And I also joined

Showtime for the Twin Peaks.

I was a huge fan

back in the 90s.

you know what i was watching is it worth to watch i i would go back and watch the uh first two

seasons which are on netflix just to see if you like it that kind of thing and then watch the

movie yep you see i i like twin peaks i binge watched that in 1997 on uh vhs's from blockbuster

oh yeah i don't remember that much like i remember some guy was like new shoes all the time i remember

for that new shoes new shoes right am i right yeah i think and then um i don't know if anybody's

familiar with david lynch as a director but he's this the news show on showtime is basically a

summation of all his work he's uh you either love him or hate him a lot of people don't like it

really okay i mean he's pretty much art house cinema um i i do want to say i started watching

I'm watching another series on Showtime that started recently, produced by Jim Carrey.

It's a stand-up.

Oh, yeah.

That's good.

Yeah, what's it called?

I'm Up Here?

I'm Dying Up Here.

The first episode was great.

Yeah, I saw the first episode.

It was good.

Yeah, the first episode was great.

I highly recommend that show.

It's really good.

If you get Showtime.

Me too, yeah.

What show?

Bit Torn.

Get that shit.

Don't tell Dwight.

No, he doesn't need to be watching TV.

Why a piece of shit show anyway?

What's it called?

You should pay attention.

Take notes.

dying i was out of the room i'm dying up here i'm dying up here showtime produced by jim carrey or

yeah and he stars in it too i think doesn't he i didn't see him in the first episode i don't know

jim carrey's crazy now you see him with that big old fucking like hermit crab bush beard he's got

yeah he's got it he grew it for the i'm dying up here show is that why i think that's he just got

it because he's going insane well that too probably wasn't he lemony snicket or something

that had a beard. I think he kept it

since then, maybe. Unfortunate.

My wife watched all that.

Nunu

wanted to know if your wife cooked the dog

yet, by the way. I replied

back to him. I was wondering where the dog

went.

I thought it was chicken chow mein.

Alright, so look. Step two's

completed. I have successfully

changed the color I need to match the Arby's.

The Arby's. The Denny's.

I got Arby's in my mind.

They got the meats. Alright, so now

And now I am going to call the first one here.

His name is Ron.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, Ron.

And let's see what this guy runs.

Speaking of which, happy Bastille Day, French Prime Minister.

Hey, is that Ron?

Yeah, how you doing?

Yeah, you want to come do that?

Are you okay with welding stuff?

There's still, like, a lot of active chemicals in here.

It could blow up any time in the heat.

That's what I'm scared about.

Oh, it's in the field, but there's whole gas tanks out there.

Tanks that get welding gas, you know?

Get rid of.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Well, maybe I was thinking, you know, while we're out there in the field,

maybe I'll get rid of my shirt, you know?

My shirt, my T-shirt, my jeans.

I might get rid of those while I'm there with you, you know?

Hey, that's not necessary, man.

Okay, look, if you're not interested, you just tell me you're not interested.

You don't have to get like that.

God, Sandy.

Well, he thought it was Sandy.

i wonder if sandy's a family friend he doesn't know that well

that's gonna be real awkward i'll notice a little bit more about sandy

someone call him back on my behalf sandy sorry anybody you're a calm guy you explain

hello hey how's it going you will not be working tonight no i can't work tonight

Are you alright?

No

Are you going to be here for work tonight at 11 o'clock?

I think so

Can I put my brother on?

Do you know who you're speaking with?

Staged

I'm your boss

You're calling the girls

And they don't

They're concerned

How did you pull that out?

Did you scare someone for real?

Or is that someone you got to say that shit?

The hell am I listening to?

No, it's a soundboard I put on the website

i took it from youtube i'm taking you off the schedule i think you're really mad

don't bother coming back in with that i have a couple example calls i'll send them to you guys

all right here's you will not be working again

rico rico you're frank don't forget no it's not frank kevin what is what are we actually calling

we're telling this guy these people said they come down to the den they they would pick up a

car that's for free that's junked at the tone please record your voice message so when you

are finished recording i'm trying to send as many as i can to the denny's to ask for this guy kevin

who's the manager who's there right now okay but the thing is you gotta say like i did in that show

you gotta say like this it's gotta go now they're charging me five hundred dollars a day from the

the city or whatever you gotta come tonight because at some point this shit there was like

something like three or four tow trucks the place this guy's like i'm a detector

come on all right whoa whoa whoa let me try to call the call the guy who thought i was sandy

again i'll take it if you think so i should apologize hello hello hello please pick up i'm

I'm sorry. I know you can hear me.

Please. I need to talk to you.

I need to apologize for what I said.

Please. Please help me

find forgiveness with God and pick up

the phone. Hello?

Motherfucker, you.

You motherfucker. Pull a gun on me.

You better kill me, motherfucker.

He's going to see Sandy right now.

Yeah, he's hunting Sandy down.

Get Sid.

He's on the phone

talking to Sandy.

Who's that motherfucker you got calling over here?

Anyway, let me do the first one because you guys are a little confused, I think.

Hello, hello, hello?

You've reached Knoxville Wrecker Service.

Oh, it's a wrecker.

So they responded to an ad already, right?

Yeah.

So they would get that part?

Okay.

Take this car and keep it for free.

Just get it off of here.

Right now, I think this is Eric I'm calling.

Eric?

Yeah, and your name is Kevin, and you're at the Denny's.

That's where the car is.

The goal is to get them to come into the Denny's and ask for Kevin about the car.

Take it.

You've reached the knock.

Anyway, here's Mikkel.

Mikkel.

Maybe Mikkel is it.

Mikkel the pickle.

Hello?

I'm not available right at the moment.

Oh, you pussy.

Fucking asshole.

I hate that shit, man.

No.

One of the Milkman voicemails over there.

Hello?

Hey, what was my name again?

Kevin, that's who I'm trying to get him to go talk to?

And is that me too?

All right, listen.

You're Kevin, the manager at the Denny's, right?

You need to get this car out of here.

Yeah, you need to get the car out of there.

There was only one name, Kevin.

Yeah, you're Kevin, right.

And then this time we're going to call Joey.

And if you look in the Skype chat, I'm about to put in the address of the Denny's where he needs to come get it.

But it needs to be now, now, now, now.

All right.

Well, I guess I get my own ankle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We'll do that, man.

But this is Joey.

This is Joey.

The point is we want to get these people back.

Hello?

hello hey uh you wanted to come get this car at denny's this is kevin the car in rogers hill

yeah yeah yeah you you want to come get that right yes sir i emailed about it okay all right

great uh what's your name my name is joey noe noe like joey joey with a j oh joy joy okay it's

it's joy yes sir okay joy that's a girl's name and you're gonna oh jared jared okay i got you

it's jared you're gonna come get this thing uh i can okay not good i can get out here quick though

i'm getting char i'm getting actually charged for sitting here it needs to be out of here in an hour

i can't i ain't coming tonight oh come on jerry i need to get this out of here is it sorry is it

a jerry with a g no it starts with a j do you have a title on the car yeah yeah we got all that

there's just a little bit of damage otherwise i bet you the thing still got quite a bit of value

in it and we're just we're just giving it away yeah i'd be happy to come and get it but it'd be

tomorrow during the day was it oh okay well wait a minute i'm not sure about this and i really want

to give you the car and i could probably give you the tomorrow but is it carrie is that i can't get

get past what you said your name was what is your name again sir j-o-e-y joe j-o-k-y jokey

j-o-e-y j-o-z-y josie oh sorry man that's probably a nickname okay cool josie josie

that's a girl's name again though what's going on here no well come on what's your goddamn name

boy do what what'd you just say to me i said what's your goddamn name boy i shouldn't have

have to say it twice don't don't be fucking cussing don't make me whoop you when you come

down here to get my garbage right you hear me boy i'll make you think boy oh yeah yeah you think

you think make me think how big of a how big of a little uh vagina you got there because me

i haven't done pranks well i've been right you guys might get kevin's ass

yeah don't forget you're kevin i mean that counts getting him to go down there to kick his ass

sure we might follow up on him in a second

here's Daniel

Baz would you like to be from

Denny's

I can't take one for like maybe about

20 minutes sorry

I understand anyone else here

I'm here for support

alright cool

Dwight

you're playing Xbox tonight again

no not anymore

shut it off

Daniel is the name

we're calling, and you get the deal

right. Your name's Kevin. Denny's. I put the

address in there in the Skype. You see it there?

Yeah. All right.

And then hopefully what we do is that we call

and we ask Kevin, hey, anyone come over?

Please leave your message for

making

noises. Before I forget,

12 years, man. That's a long

time. Still keeping it up.

Not really. It looks like the last

month said it. I don't feel the funny

anymore. I don't know. I can't kick off

off like i used please leave your message for we're getting the fuck you button

12 years isn't anything to laugh at bro

but then again the last two years haven't really been that intense

I'm still doing shows.

Still.

Daniel, Daniel.

That is still yours.

Daniel.

That's still yours.

Please leave your message for 8652.

Bye.

I'm calling the same number here.

Josh.

Church

Where's this from?

Tennessee, Knoxville, Rogersville

The name of the person

Josh, Josh

This ain't going off, man

Here's Hugh

Hugh, save us, man

Come on, Big Hugh

Hugh

I'm gonna try one more of these calls

Please leave your message for 8

Damn

I never have dinner with the president

And when I see your ass again, I'll be hesitant

Here's Chris

Oh, Big Chris, oh man

The only one of these we got was a guy at the first

I thought it was someone else

Did we get someone else too?

Yeah, we did

Hello

Hey, how you doing, is that Chris?

Yes, it is

Hey Chris, this is Kevin down here at the Denny's

You were complying to my ad

You wanted to come get this car out of my parking lot, right?

Uh, yes sir

Fantastic, great

Hey, when do you think you'll be able to come on down and get this thing out of here?

Unfortunately, they're kind of ticketing me and fining me by the day for this thing being here.

Okay, how about sometime tomorrow around that o'clock?

Fine, yeah.

Is that too late?

Well, no, it's just if we go into tomorrow, I'm going to get another fine.

They're charging me almost $150 a day for this thing being abandoned here.

I understand.

The only thing is my trailer's loaded up right now.

I just went and picked up a car.

you know about 30 minutes ago and then uh i come as early as some o'clock if i you know i don't

believe i'd be up there but then do you no no probably not uh that would probably work uh yeah

i just need you to come down you say you got a trailer and everything yes sir okay how big of a

trailer you got there i got a it's a double axle trailer it's uh it's uh it's it's pretty big

trailer it's probably uh i mean it's enough to put a big truck on it and stuff like that you

you know so okay so how long do you think oh how long do you think that trailer is bella

about 14 look probably over 14 foot a little over 14 foot okay you're gonna need some guys

to help push this thing up on it or you got some type of pulley action what you got there

i got come along and plus i got some help too i can bring oh you're gonna bring the big old

wife on over and she's gonna you know hop up there you hook it up to her and she's gonna

gonna pull it with her buffalo butt no i can do that so yeah she's a big woman too isn't she

no no i'm not that big oh okay so listen uh while you go ahead and load that up tomorrow

the wife can come in i'll make the breakfast for you guys uh free on the house of course

uh and while we're getting that loaded up uh you know the chefs will make that food

and then uh i'll go ahead and take your wife in the bathroom and she can give me her panties and

than you guys can have the car oh i just like to use panties you know and especially from the bigger

broads yeah so it's a good deal though i'll give you the car she gives me the panties that she's

been wearing and uh we go our separate ways nah i think we'll have to pass on that one

it sounds like a pretty good deal like you're coming out on top why are you being an asshole

there boy uh-huh i said why are you being a fucking asshole boy how you figure i am who is

is this you're just sitting there chuckling and laughing this is kevin if you open your ears you

fucking bastard you could get this car and all i wanted was a pair of panties in exchange but then

you act like this what's the matter you probably want to find somebody else to get your car you

know what i mean uh i'm gonna have a pretty good sense of humor right now i won't let you play but

you know other than that uh i'm just gonna have to hang up on you yeah but no we've already had

a verbal contract so now this is transferred to yours and so when the cops come down to find me

again i'm just gonna tell him to write the ticket in your name it goes to you and i'm gonna give

him this phone number well you just go ahead you go right ahead and do that i'll be fine i'm gonna

go right ahead and do that let me have you go ahead and confirm your address so i tell him

where to go ahead yeah yeah you go ahead and do that too i'm gonna do it don't tell me what to do

because i'm gonna do it i told you i'm gonna do it i'm mad my word so i'm gonna where are you where

are you located at and i guarantee i'll come personally tomorrow we'll see you i'm at the

denny's you son of a bitch denny's what denny's there's more than one oh my god boy you don't you

You don't pay attention to the ads?

There's some kind of fucking idiot.

I don't know who the fuck he is.

Well, you have a good night.

I'll see you tomorrow at the dentist.

I got you.

Yeah, you fucking asshole.

What, now all of a sudden you can pay attention?

What, you need your wife to fight your battles?

You want to put her on the phone?

Maybe we get something done.

You do.

You got a big mouth.

I tell you what, for somebody who don't know somebody,

you're just one of them old phone boys over there

who wants to run his fucking mouth,

and when a man comes up to your face,

you're a goddamn chicken shit bitch is what you are.

You're fucking with your own boys.

I'm going to tell you what,

Boy, you're going to be there.

Yeah.

Well, anyway, I'll see you first thing in the morning.

Well, anyway, shut your fucking mouth.

Shut your mouth and put your wife on the phone.

I don't want to talk to you.

Put your wife on the phone because she's more of a man than you'll ever be.

Yeah.

All right, all right.

You forgot the address there, huh?

Dwight, we had to remind you.

We had to get in there.

No, I was searching for it.

I couldn't find it.

Okay, we got you.

I'm kidding.

I'm teasing.

We got you.

We got you back.

As long as you watch the Snapchat, you're all right.

I'm the biggest offender for getting to do that.

All right, so you sent me an example.

This is Karen of what you were talking about earlier, correct?

Correct.

All right, let's listen to that.

First, let me be Bambi here.

Axpa, you found this on an episode where I sing La La La, I'm Bambi.

How did that even happen?

I don't even remember that.

It was actually back in March.

You were talking about a Walking Dead episode that had a really shitty CGI deer.

Oh yeah, me and you were talking about that piece of shit

CGI deer

That's the episode where Rick and

Michonne or whatever just fuck

the entire episode, they're like, oh we found guns

let's fuck, oh we found food, let's fuck

Yeah, let's not go back, let's sit here and fuck

and eat MREs, yeah

I'm gonna run up to

What happened with that stunt double?

I read the news

Yeah, something like that

Oh yeah, there was something

in there the other day

Oh, man.

Oh, well.

Well, you know.

Cool.

Here's that, and here's Karen.

What is the reason why you are not coming tonight?

I'm Bambi.

Good evening.

Thank you for calling the Hilton Garden.

Hey, this is Karen.

Are you all right?

Yes.

This is Laura at the Hilton Garden Inn.

How can I help you?

Why are you calling the front desk?

You're calling the girls here at the front desk, and they're concerned.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

I don't understand.

Are you calling the hotel for a reason?

I'm at the front desk.

Are you all right?

I'm fine.

I'm the front desk agent.

Do you know who you're speaking with?

I have no idea.

This is Karen.

Karen.

I'm your boss.

Karen Voss.

I'm your boss.

You're my boss?

I'm at the hotel.

Okay.

I'm taking you off the schedule.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

I really don't understand.

Are you coming to work tonight or not?

I'm at work currently, right now.

I'm the front desk agent.

So I'm just going to write you off the schedule, correct?

correct ma'am i what is the reason why you are not coming tonight because i don't work anywhere

else this is the only place i work what are you talking about i don't understand this okay this

is karen i'm your boss i'm taking you no i do not have a boss named karen this is the hilton

garden in detroit metro airport you are calling the front desk where i work currently because

i'm there i do not have an employer named karen anywhere i'm taking you off the schedule till

further notice sure you have the wrong number you're calling the girls here at the front desk

you will not be working again i am the front desk i have not called anybody you're coming to work

tonight or do i have to find somebody to replace you ma'am ma'am you have the wrong number now

did you guys call us no what do you mean no i have not called anyone not coming tonight i answer

through the phone and you're speaking to me about a shift that i'm not i don't work anyplace else

are you going to be here for work tonight at 11 o'clock no because i don't work there are you

all right you have the wrong number why are you calling the front desk i'm not calling the front

desk you called me are you calling the hotel for a reason ma'am don't bother coming back in

Sure, you have the wrong number.

You will not be working again.

You called here several times.

That's epic.

Hey, Carlito, Mr. Mangias.

Hey, Mr. Mangias, hey, you made it.

What's going on?

UK, everybody.

Can I make an advertisement after this call?

Yes.

No, no, can you?

What's the name of this person?

George Jackson.

The person you're calling is not...

Hey, can I share a madhouse memory?

Yes, please, go ahead.

Yeah, so this was about three or four years ago,

and it was when I was unemployed, and you were doing day shows.

And so I was on one of your day shows, and we were calling.

I forget where we were calling, but it ended up you were calling a health center.

You thought it was like a gym or something, but it was like a clinic.

and then you told the lady that you wanted a doctor to check out your penis

and that you just took a Viagra.

Remember that?

Yeah, I wanted this to be clear.

And then we called back and then I started talking to him

and telling him that I took a Viagra.

And it ended up they put a sheriff deputy on.

Remember that?

Yes.

And then he said he was going to trace the call and send some units to get you.

And, you know, I've got to apologize because during that I confused thinking

and you corrected me.

You were like, no, I think I basically said Vragra would increase your blood pressure.

And you said, no.

I was being polite.

Yeah.

And you were like, no, I think it would increase it.

I said, no, it would increase it.

You're like, okay, yeah, sure.

But you're right.

It would decrease it.

And I've thought about that.

And thank you for bringing that up.

It's a good opportunity to buy a tip of the hat.

But anyway, what I remember the most about that episode was we did like three or four hours of prank calls.

and then you suddenly ended it

with the song

It's a Wonderful Life

and then you

retired, remember?

Was it that show? Did I have you on that show?

Yeah, I was on that

whole show. And then you said

you'd be right back

and then you just played that song

and that was it for a while.

Everybody's like

what the fuck?

Was it a wonderful... I thought it was

White Christmas, I think.

oh yeah yeah yeah yeah it was the anniversary of uh the fall of saigon and the the code for

the american troops to know that everyone had to bug the fuck out of saigon uh on the helicopters

and shit was there you would listen to the radio station the the military radio station

and they were going to play white christmas in vietnam in the middle of no shit in the middle

of april or something so it was i did not know that yeah that's that's why that was the code

Code Song was White Christmas by Bing Crosby.

All right.

I learned something about Viagra.

Yeah, see, kids, you learn on this show.

Tell them.

So, Axpo, you sent me something called Bologna Coupons.

Do I want to know?

What's this?

It's a very short little snippet.

Okay, all right.

I want to hear that.

Oh, that's one second.

Yeah, really short.

I got a sandwich you didn't hear in the music.

Did I pause it?

You got to put it in the sandwich.

much that's right

it's really quick yeah

baloney baloney baloney

coupons

here's another attempt to

call a uk number

Ryan terminates the call for you.

Well, George.

Hello.

George.

Yeah?

How are you?

All right, thank you.

Oh, good.

How are your sexual organs tonight?

Do what?

How are your sexual organs tonight?

Sexual organs.

You know your private...

Do what?

You know your private parts that you use when you make love to your wife?

I do not have a wife.

Why don't you go and do it yourself?

Do you have a hand?

What did he say?

He said, I told you to do something to yourself.

He said, I do not have a wife.

Why don't you go do it to yourself?

That's the thing.

And that's where I was going, too.

Wow.

He's not having any of it.

Here's a different one.

Same name.

George Jackson.

Yes.

Is this 1263?

Hello?

Yes.

1263?

Yeah, this is 5769.

How are you?

My name's Snow.

Well, I'm with the Ministry of Health.

Yeah, there seems to be a problem in the neighborhood, ma'am,

and we're alerting all the residents that there's been an outbreak of tuberculosis.

Yeah, so you just have to be careful, okay?

So you better stay indoors.

And are you washing your hands frequently with a good germicidal soap?

Do you realize it's 5 o'clock in the morning here?

Yeah, well, we just have your best interests at heart here.

We're with the Ministry of Health. We aim to please.

But it's important, you know, you might meet a vagrant or something out in front of your flat, and he might have TB.

She's disconnected.

I was going to do something else, and I just got, I don't know, just kind of, you know how you have an idea, and it just kind of evades you like a vague idea?

What were you just doing? Let's see, you were talking to her. She was a little old, a little gummy sound.

I was hoping that there would be a man

would answer

and I was a little thrown off as a woman

I was going to do the whole thing

about the testicle exam

meningitis are you still here

you had an announcement of some sort

meningitis

do any of you know what his big announcement was

he's got AIDS

oh man

he could have told us about that whole prep thing

I was talking about

I got another British man

named george jackson's george jackson is a big fan of the show here he is i gotta call milkman

george hello george i've been waiting outside for you all night where are you got the wrong

number dear no my family is so spoilt i need you out here take care of me george

no i've got the right number now please come out here i'll be hiding in the lorry

And there's a wheelie bin here.

Someone's drilled holes in it.

I think it may be a glory hole.

Do you want me to hide inside of there?

Hello?

George, where are you?

My body aches for your fine meat.

George, there's a phone a-kitting in there.

George, you promised me I was the only one waiting to phone a-kit.

All right, I muted you so they can't hear us for a second.

Do you think they just fell asleep, or do you think they just fell asleep?

I'm going to hit some buttons.

You're back in three, two, one.

George, I'm outside waiting for you.

I like the way that you moan in your sleep.

Nah, they just fell asleep.

Let's keep them on.

I'm going to keep them on in the background.

Maybe we'll wake up at some point.

Hopefully we won't hear paramedics in the background, you know.

All right, let me go back to my number list.

I'll put a Twitter component in there for you.

Apparently he got his dog put on a different flight than him.

Alright, let me get the corporate number here.

I'm still here!

Alright, back on mute, go to sleep.

Sorry, just got that number and changed my name.

Okay, you got it.

It's George Awakes.

Oh, they're just talking in their sleep, that's what it is.

No, she's listening.

She whispered right now.

She's listening still.

Say something.

Why you?

Did she go outside?

I don't know.

I think so.

It's a poor sheep, but they never heard of it.

Uh, back to work over here.

That's it.

A chain, a fly chain.

All right, Twitter complainer upset that.

The dog's putting on a different fly.

Oh, my God.

He got shot.

I just took a gander over at the TV CNN is playing.

And are they really from promoing a special called The Life of Donald Trump Jr.?

Did they already put that together in the last few days?

Like, that's quick, man.

Wow.

Are they going to focus on all the bullshit from last week?

I guess.

If I could reach the remote, I'd go back.

CNN does not like Donald, do they?

they so it's not going to be a complimentary no dude like i watched him in the morning and

the fucking chris cromo and allison whatever dude they just like chris is it chris cuomo

whatever's i mean he's just like he's just fucking talk shit straight up because he's like

we know he's watching we know he watches this show oh yeah he's pissed i hear that he's been

seen walked wandering around the west wing shouting at tvs and cursing at tvs he's like

like elvis shoot him dude he's like he's like lbj man

dude back in lbj's day when he was president after kennedy got freaking shot um like the

white house secretaries like there were young girls and they would sleep in the white house

and he would go into the rooms and he would say shit like oh your president's here like time to

fuck oh and i heard that he he was very proud of his uh dick yeah he would show it off to people

to intimidate yeah he'd show he'd show well i mean if you if you got a dick like that you

gotta show it off i mean it's a fucking crime to keep it in your pants yeah he was real famous

whipping it out and show it's like hey uh mr speaker look at that one right there huh and

that uh the biggest dick you ever did to you showing all the fucking secretary

Have you ever seen one like that before?

The Russians.

Showed her the cruise job.

Take a look at this.

As soon as he runs.

As soon as I get a chance, I'm voting for President Obama.

They've got a better job than you.

You should run, Scott.

They will play all your guys' material.

Tony, I'm waiting for Trump to start pranking world leaders from the Oval Office

us and making it a show no he would you know he let us you know if trump got cool with us if you've

rediscovered us he'd uh let us come to the white house and then he let us like oh yeah he's fucking

slipping us like backdoor fucking world leader numbers and shit this is the red phone for

fucking uh oh what's the new motherfucker over there in france yeah yeah yeah he'll

macron for us yeah that'd be awesome we'll get so you're fucking calling calling him and shit

hang on we're gonna get a trans translator and it's just like corny old jokes too it's like

it's your refrigerator running it's like not even anything cool and new it's just like old shit

yeah they don't know this one yet oh we we would best to prank uh duarte or whatever from the

philippines that'd be kind of funny you know because that guy's fucking crazy too well we

tried to fucking do oh nigeria too but then they would fucking pull a switcheroo and end up

scamming us out of money or something like we're going down there trying to fuck with them all of

a sudden we're at like two thousand dollars in debt because they talked us into a timeshare in

nigeria it's a really good investment though which reminds me hey one of my favorite madhouse

memories of the recent years not favorite but one of a funny one that just came to my head

when king jong il died and we called uh north korea uh the north korean embassy because they

couldn't get a north guy i don't think they got phones that you can get through north korea but

what we call the embassy and he didn't really understand me but i probably got out king

jong-il died he goes yeah and they go ha ha ha ha ha it's such an asshole like you did the same

thing when the king of thailand died so you've been going talking shit about him like for

fucking years because it's a big crime and then he died and you were calling people you're like

ah the king of thailand's dead he's a fucking asshole dude they will get they will cane your

your ass for saying that over there that's right get down on the goddamn ground yeah and then you'll

do that and you'll be ice cube anyway uh gentlemen you should get the best and one of my favorite

moments that baz did once was when you called the uh vietnamese rest the vietnamese embassy

down in australia or new zealand and you kept trying to order pho he's like this is this is

vietnamese number four restaurant

it's kind of hard to hear you over the music music the music is i don't think you can hear

us very well either shit that's okay your daughter was a nice girl now she's a slut

we could stop playing the anti-white ice cube music yeah this is ice cubes this is when he

was like all black panthered out like i quit nwa this is straight out of compton days uh

what was it was that one movie called the chris rock one the one where he could straight out

low cash cb4 yeah this is what this is what one of the the the uh dead mike this is like dead mike

in his Ice Cube phase.

When they had their solo phase.

Yeah, because Deadmau5 was like,

I'm blacked, y'all.

I'm black, y'all.

I'm black, and I'm black, and I'm black, y'all.

Steadmaster Arson was just spinning

with big booty chicks around him.

I remember when

fucking Ice Cube was in

he had the whole West Side Connection going

and then all of a sudden

he's like, oh, I'm going to fucking star

in Anaconda.

His music career just kind of went

just fucking just drifted off and he's like i'm gonna do movies now yo barbershop was the start

dude when doing barbershop came out i was like i was like barbershop it's gonna be goofy it's

gonna be another black comedy movie and when i saw it i was like holy shit this is like really

kind of it's like a fucking story it's like the new cheech and chong you know i tried to make it

family friendly a little bit later on yeah yeah didn't like any of the first one was great and

And when they got rid of Chris, then they spun it off the beauty shop, and that was just fucking horrible.

Yeah, bullshit.

Barber shop, beauty shop.

Hey, all right, listen, guys, let's continue with the prank calls here.

I'm going to cut you off just real quick because I've got to go to bed because my kids are going to be up in like four hours.

Oh, my God.

So good job on 12 years.

Yay.

Hey, thank you, and good job on calls of mass confusion, man.

Yay.

Yeah.

there's six episodes left i think okay i look forward to thursdays honestly like today uh

yesterday i was like oh shit it's thursday i can't wait till i see that notification on my phone

that just got updated you know you know yeah it's it's turned it's turned out pretty good

i mean i'll say one thing that guy at gamestop was not happy with me on about that second call

that guy picked up who yeah how do you guys like now that you can see the other side because i

I was seeing the other side the whole time.

We were always asking. We were like, was there a good reaction?

What's going on? What's going on?

And you're like, I can't hear you. Say go.

And we're like, go. And you're like, what?

What?

Goddamn Woodland Mall, man.

You cannot turn a phone on in that fucking place.

Hit go. Okay.

Hit a button when you're ready. So we're hitting the buttons.

He's like, did you say go?

The call's already going and shit.

And there were tornadoes.

Yeah, fucking tornadoes

was awesome. Actually, I think

that one of those are coming up pretty soon it already aired was the audio towards the end rbcp

is like are you out in the uh are you out of the protected area you're in danger no you felt you

this the one where you call the shoe place hasn't played yet basically your first line is you call

there and you say hey our pos is showing that you guys are you guys are selling shoes yeah we're

going through it you know you're from corporate yeah we're going through a tornado right now or

There's a tornado right now. They told us to shut down.

Oh, no. Screw that. Open the store

back up. Sell those shoes.

Sell those fucking shoes.

What the fuck a tornado to hit?

The tornado hits,

it wouldn't make any difference, to be honest with you.

That whole tornado

shelter bullshit. If you're in a mall

two stories high and you're on the first floor

of the mall, I think you're pretty safe.

No.

On a second story?

They put everybody back in the hallways

that we later got to see again.

You should have started shoplifting shit

while you were back there.

Yeah, man.

You could have got away with anything.

You could have even pranked a bunch of stores

and had security all fucking confused

about what the hell is going on

while they're dealing with Tornado.

All right.

All right there, buddy.

Hey, you take care of yourself.

You have a good holiday weekend.

Yep.

All right, John.

Yeah.

All right, I'll change the album.

So anyway, that album, right,

this is the 25th anniversary of that album

uh dropping here fucking uh the death certificate not crazy oh wow anyway uh enough of that more

prank calls i got numbers here let's see i'm gonna keep my caller id as united airlines fuck it uh

dwight if you find any more twitter complainers that's fine send them on over or anything else

you got there's a lot of people pissed off about that dog like i they're like retweeting back the

guy who posted it which was the one we tried to call right uh a lot of people like threatening

need to pull up on united like thugs and shit they're like we're gonna fucking pull our dicks

out and show out at united and just like dumb shit like that again i'll try them again

i'm sorry the person you are trying to reach has a voicemail box that has not been set up yet

please try your call again later goodbye i'm gonna try to do one and uh just real quick also

do you remember that guy i just posted recently who got arrested because he knew his driving

being privileges but he really didn't yes that guy yeah the rest is twice he had got he was

supposed to turn himself in the 13th uh he was originally uh he got sentenced to six months

in jail for that incident he then returned to turn himself in with a paid attorney

they knocked him down from six months in jail to five days in probation how the fuck do you go from

doing six months to five days and then you get probation yeah i don't know dude i mean he was

kind of a dick right oh he's a complete dick and he got caught within a week doing the same

shit i know he knew he knew he couldn't be driving and he got pulled over and got

fuck his ass in trouble again he's apparently got a gun charge shot at some point in the past

still hanging over his head too so he'll have that uh bastards fucking bastards right let's

see if we can get some lows action all right how about that lows and honolulu see if we can find

Your friend and mom.

They're open still.

Yes, they are.

Thank God for Hawaii.

Five hours by the end.

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

Para instrucciones en espanol, marque tres.

We went to a world, right?

For directions to the store, press one.

For store hours, press two.

To reach a department directly.

Para obtener direcciones para la tienda, oprime el 1.

Para obtener nuestro horario, oprime el 2 o manténgase en línea para la operadora.

Nuestro horario es 7 días a la semana.

Estamos comunicándolo. Por favor, mantenga línea.

Hey, big guy. I need to speak with Tool World. Do you think anyone is there?

Yeah. What was that, sir?

Hey, big guy. I need to speak to Tool World. Do you think anyone is there?

I think so.

It should be...

Yeah, yeah, um...

Harry?

Not Harry.

What was his name?

Harry.

Oh, Harry's...

Oh, Larry's gone already for the day.

Fuck.

When did he leave?

What time did he leave?

Well, because I saw him leave already,

but he was supposed to leave at 7,

but they're cutting overtime,

so I think he left early.

That's why.

Oh, man, because I needed to talk to him.

Yeah, we were going to masturbate together.

Me too.

I was going to tell you.

No, I'm sorry, man.

He's gone, dude.

Shit.

So who's back there now?

Tyler?

Yeah, let me talk to Tyler.

Okay, hold on.

Can I join in, too?

Yeah, yeah.

We got a call early for Harry.

Harry's already jerking it.

Mrs. Bass is now vacuuming upstairs.

Good, get to work.

So I'm good.

I got a bounce house customer service rep.

That sounds interesting.

All right, why not?

Bouncy house.

Bouncy house customer service rep.

Hi, you put an ad here for a customer service rep for Bounce House?

Customer service representative for Bounce House Indoor Fun Center?

Okay, because it had a phone number and it said to call.

Oh, okay.

You would have to turn in your resume to...

to

the resume?

Yes.

To who? You cut off there.

You stopped talking.

You would have to...

Okay, so

you send your resume.

Goodbye.

Wow.

I love those calls when you just

make the random odd noises

in the background, and usually they don't cut you

off that quickly.

You know what? Yeah, that's true.

You know what I'm looking for? I bought a nose

whistle, and I can't find it now. It's called

Nose Whistle, and I wanted to play it for

you guys. Awesome.

I learned how to do a lot of songs.

You guys can make some requests if you wanted to.

Can you do

Marys He Dotes? You know that one?

No, what's that? Marys He Dotes?

Oh, it's an old one from the 40s.

How's it go? We need the

Boss AdWords theme song.

It's the one that's a play on words like Marys He Dotes

and Does He Dotes and Little Lams He Divey.

Not that at all, sir. Sorry.

Yeah, you're going to have to play the boss N-word theme song.

If I can find it.

I'm looking on the ground to see if it fell on the ground.

God, we've got to do that on a Friday.

We've got to get Hillock to play that movie.

We'll sit down and watch it.

We've been talking about it for years, and we've never sat down to watch it.

I know.

It looks good.

Oh, we've got an accordion.

No, not an accordion.

Harmonica.

I found the harmonica.

Sweet.

Can you play?

No.

No, I wish I could.

Vapor.

That sounded pretty good, though.

I guess I'll have to wait until the next show to...

Did you say vape? Sorry.

I'll have to wait until the next show to find that stupid...

You guys still have the train whistle?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's right here.

Dad, I'll never lose it.

On that same episode

where you retired suddenly at the end,

I think Maddie was on that show

and we were calling the UK

and you blew the train whistle a few times

for good measure.

I just listened to that whole show in its entirety

just two days ago

go driving to work are you sure you're not confusing with the nougat show oh okay yeah

that's the nougat show where you played the train whistle i train whistled and i said nougat in every

call yeah yeah yeah that's right then i want to eat a goldfish and the asian guy was like

getting goldfish or something yeah yeah yeah okay yeah yeah yeah but that was about the same time

same period of time perhaps perhaps because that was when i was at home every day unemployed

unemployed. There's another number

for you when you're ready, sir, in the court.

So they're saying,

oh, cool, another United situation.

What is this? He's

bitching about the dog. Your call has been

forwarded to an automatic voice message

system. Eight.

You should just tell him it's none of his fucking

business. Yeah. Your call

cannot be completed as dialed.

How do you put your dog on a flight?

other than the one you're going on.

So you know, to put them in that

freaking plane down below

and shit. Either just drive with them, or if you can't,

just leave them alone. We're going on vacation

and leaving the dog at home.

Dude, you know, it gets real hot in there

in the summer and shit.

They get that shocker

shit, don't they? Going through shit like that.

We're going to go to Spain next month.

España?

No, Espanol.

Are you going to Ibiza at all?

Ibiza. You should go to Ibiza.

Here are good things about Ibiza.

We're going to go to Portugal and Spain for a week.

Ibiza, I heard it's gone from being like a techno,

like do drugs and hang out and get real wasted

and do techno music dancing

to like a family-friendly, fun resort to go to, apparently.

They sold out.

I don't understand.

here are good things about ibiza for families think about it think about it all right dwight

that's drunk out of here uh it sucks i'd like to do one of those

uh stagehands needed you used to work as a fluffer all right

anyone want to be a stagehand

I think Twy would be a good stagehand.

Aloha, and thank you for calling Roberts, Hawaii.

We're sorry we missed your call,

but please leave a message with your name and number.

We'll answer your call.

Damn, I had suddenly an idea.

Stagehand, fluffer.

Yeah, you can go with that.

Research study participant.

They're looking for...

Oh, wow.

Look at this.

Let's get it on.

I don't know if I'd ever do that.

Be part of an important research study conducted by the University of Hawaii

on e-cigarette use and a long-term use of vapors.

Vapors.

Anyone's interested in that, holler now.

Yeah, I just remember the last time that they did that to me.

I was in a study like that before.

Hi, you've reached Stephanie Rania with the UH Cancer Center.

Please leave your message after the beep.

Too late.

Caregiver.

She sounded like one of those hot doctors.

I remember that prank.

Another madhouse moment.

Remember like eight, nine years ago, you made that call to that pharmacist and you said,

are you one of those sexy pharmacists or something like that?

Remember that?

No.

Oh, what was it?

You were asking me about antihistamines.

They clear up your nose

And then she asks her

Do you wear glasses or something like that

It was hilarious

Dude I've been listening to your stuff

For like 10 out of your 12 years

I got my story

I used to call in when Carly

Had that 800 number

And I would call in and I would be an asshole

And I'd be like oh fuck yeah

And you'd be like what's your problem

I remember the show when Dwight

And you're like okay

When Brad did the madhouse hijack

oh that comes up all the time

Dwight was all pissed off

I was pissed I was honestly pissed

I've been waiting for the show all week

and all of a sudden here's fucking RB

and you know I didn't listen to RB at the time

and you know

that's that fucking RB

this is bullshit

who played and then

Laugh Track Matt played

yeah he was Milkman

that was great I love that show

I was pissed

that was better than any Madhouse show

no sorry just kidding

That's a fake one.

Nice.

Convenience store associate.

This is like a job wanted here in Honolulu for a convenience store associate.

Let me go ahead and paste the number, ad, and the recommended idea for this.

Again, these are Parkman numbers.

He said he knew he wanted to do something, but he didn't want to do something.

But now, watch out, whether the prey executes him.

You know it's not war or feminism.

Now, if you're with that with me, come on.

We get a Women in Business Association contact list.

I think this is the one where I was calling about vagina cakes.

I don't know if you guys recall that at all.

It was a recent show.

I really upset this lawyer lady and her secretary.

I was spoofing the number back and forth between them.

Saying that, just confirming a vagina cake is sexual.

uh plush plush size boutique in california

you never know

dwight likes the plush ladies at no additional charge at&t can help you find a similar business

in the same area since the number you have called is not in service

breastfeeding hotline 24 7 breastfeeding hotline 24 7 here we go dwight you want to do that

like a suckle from my tits

so when you get ready to die just hop up and live your last five years no i'm just kidding man

Thank you for calling the Oklahoma Breastfeeding Hotline.

Gracias por llamar a la linea directa de Darpecho de Oklahoma para Español o Primo Uno.

Make sure your phone can receive calls from blocked or private numbers or we may not be able to reach you.

If you need general breastfeeding assistance, press 2.

If you have an urgent issue and need to page the lactation consultant on call, press 3.

3?

3!

Oklahoma Breastfeeding Hotline.

For English, press 5 or wait for further instructions.

Let me see if the general information works.

How long have I been on?

Four hours, 25 minutes.

That's not good.

Thank you for calling the Oklahoma Breastfeeding Council.

Messages left on this line are checked frequently.

Okay, all right.

Let's see if this Dave and Buster's is open.

I don't know if you've been there.

It's like an arcade.

I have. I took my son there for his last birthday.

Food was actually pretty decent.

What games did you play, Deal or No Deal?

Yeah, because I'm really good at it.

Hey, Buster, this is Irvine Spectrum. How can I help you?

Yeah, listen, I'm here, and the game is eating all my credit on my card.

It won't let me play the games.

It keeps saying, please reinsert the card, and I've swiped it ten times,

and it still won't let me play.

What the hell is this?

It might be just the game system.

Just come on back over here to the front desk, and I'll replenish your card for you.

Okay.

And, like, I've got to tell you, too, there's some kid inside the big hook game, the claw machine, the big one.

Some kid's inside of it.

Inside the hook.

Thank you for letting me know.

I'll let the manager know.

I don't know how they got in there, but they're in there, and they're just inside of all the stuffed animals now.

Oh, my gosh.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, I'll let someone know.

I don't know if this woman is his mother or if it's just some other person, but they're, like, trying to hook the kid with the claw.

Yeah, we'll get on that right now.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, I heard you.

They're playing trying to hook the kid.

They're hooking the kid?

They're trying to hook him with the claw.

Oh, my God.

Okay, so we're going to get on it right now.

People are on the way.

Yeah, it's kind of a big deal over here.

Yeah, it is.

Hang on.

I'm going to try my hand at it here.

Hang on a second.

Okay.

He keeps moving around.

He's making this really difficult.

Yeah, someone's on the way, so someone will take care of that for sure.

Oh, I hit him in the eye with the hook.

Oh, my gosh.

That's not good.

He's crying now.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

Yeah, so if you'd like to get replenished for your card,

I can definitely replenish your card up in front if you would like to be refunded for those chips that you lost.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm going to bring that up.

The food was excellent.

Excellent food, by the way.

I had it.

It was very yummy.

You're very welcome.

Yeah, I'm going to bring the card up here.

i'll help you with that okay okay well who's gonna get this kid out of here should i keep

trying to yeah no you know it's okay i already have someone right now one more time i'm gonna

try to hook him one more okay i got him i got it's like around his head and neck but he doesn't

want to come with the hook he's more powerful than the hook are you playing the hook game right now

yeah i'm trying to hook him i'm trying to hook him good and bring him to the front

wait the kid and uh stuffed animal i'm trying to hook the kid let's you know screw the stuffed

animals i'm gonna hook the kid okay no no yeah no it's okay yeah leave leave the kid alone we'll

i'll have someone take care of that but this is more fun to hook the stuffed animals i'm trying

to hook a live target it's like i'm hunting a human oh this is bananas like he's moving all

around and i keep missing him i'm gonna waste all my damn money trying to hook this kid

do i get to keep him if i hook him no put their card you can come on to the front

to the front okay like where i came in at i'm sorry like where i came in at yes okay um i got

Got it. Okay. Yeah, the claw isn't strong enough to get this kid, so...

Yeah, that's okay.

I'm just going to have to come and get my money back.

Okay, that sounds great.

Okay, I'll be there in a minute.

Okay, goodbye.

See you soon.

I love you.

Interesting call.

What you mean was a bullshit call?

Well, I like that she had the people running.

No, it wasn't because she was legitimately a little worried at first

and had guys running, I guess, to the claw machine.

I think she might have figured it out at the end, Dwight.

it wasn't a bad call it was a good call particularly the first half of it it's okay

i got him i got him he's mine i'm gonna throw him back i'm gonna throw him back

yeah actually what came to mind is uh i played that game when uh i took my i took my kid there

i almost got three fucking stuffed animals off of one try and like everyone was like oh when it

because like the third one was hanging and uh it fucking scraped against the other stuffed animals

so that one fell and it opened up the hooks uh and dropped my other two and these are big

fucking stuffed animals and i was like son of a bitch on your first try uh no it's just a couple

tries in but nobody else had gotten three fucking animals on the hook i'll tell you that dude it's

a scam though i'm just saying it's pre-programmed the claw doesn't clamp down hard enough except

except for once they said it, you go, they go to it, they program it.

Why they, they, one out of the 30, they punch it in.

And then, so one out of the 30 times,

the claw will actually close down on stuff like it needs to and hold it.

The rest of the time, it just kind of, it kind of gives it a little,

it was about my third shot at it. And, uh, like I said,

I was able to get three and there was one just hanging down barely there.

And once it drug and it hit against another stuffed animal that was still in

the pile, it opened the hooks up and it dropped fucking all of them.

and I was like, man, I almost had a three for it.

That's bullshit.

It's cool. You could do that. It's just gambling.

It's no different than going by a scratch house, man.

That's all.

Oh, I know, but I'd already put the money on the card

and I wasn't leaving the money on the table.

Thank you for calling Jilly's Stores, located along the beautiful

Ocean City, New Jersey boardwalk,

America's greatest family resort.

Did you know you can find answers to our most

Why don't they put in the old

classic arcade games in those motherfuckers?

There's some Revolution X in there.

Not even, dude. Older.

They get cabinets like, yeah,

Asteroids.

Asteroids, there you go. What else should we put in there?

Be nice in there.

Battle Toads vs. Duel Dragons.

Dude, the Simpsons game would be cool.

Any of the Ninja Turtles ones.

How about the original Star Wars

arcade game?

Well, there was one that came out in 98

that was really good, dude. There was a Star Wars trilogy.

I'm talking about the one that was like

in like 90, the very first

one where you sit down and you're you're fighting you're flying an x-wing fighter through the

trench of the death star you're in a cockpit i mean there was the original

like a vector graphic one from 70 yeah yeah that one was awesome yeah i actually got to play that

uh it was there there was a really old arcade in a flea market uh just outside of orlando and they

had like all those classics and that was one of them and it was like late 90s i was like shit

this is awesome yeah yeah we got this place down here near where i live called eight grade arcade

and they've got like all the old classic arcade games and you can get like um craft beers on tap

and sit down just down beers and play the old arcade games it's pretty awesome i got i got a

message on the xbox one machine from airhead he said to tell carlito hello hello airhead if you

ever listen to the uh my podcast the actual podcast when i have the creepy intros like

from the basement of

DeVry University. That's Airhead. He was doing the

voiceover for that.

About Airhead in a long time.

Oh yeah, and he can do the Peter Griffin

and the Family Guy voices really well.

Really? Oh, really good, yeah.

Really? It's funny playing

Xbox One with him because he'll do it in the servers

and everyone fucking flips over.

Do it again! Do it again!

I have a request to do an old...

Thank you for calling SW. This is Carly. How may I assist you?

Hey Carly, this is Carlito.

We have similar names. Wow.

We do.

They have nice hair.

I like your hair.

I just want to smell it.

I wanted to make reservations, but I have some exceptions.

Can I speak to you about those?

All right, let's hear them.

All right, so I'm going to break it to my wife that I've been cheating on her with my sister-in-law, her sister.

Okay, okay.

So preferably, she has a lot of anger issues, and she has been working through them,

and I think at this point she might kind of fall off the wagon.

So the first thing is, can we have no knives?

I can't have any knives at the table.

Okay.

Because she has thrown knives at me before.

All right.

Okay.

Also, don't mention any soup.

Do you mention the soup that we're doing when we sit down?

I'm not sure.

I can check with the server for you.

Because she dumped hot water on me once, so she knows.

okay and no cop don't like ask if you want coffee or anything like that because she'll throw it in

my face when i tell her yeah she's done this before she's called anyone okay okay um do you

have some like do you have a nice strong male waiter who can maybe intervene in case

um we'd probably have to call security for that would the security guy act like the waiter

um we no we probably couldn't do that it's gonna tip her off

um just allow me one moment all right she's less likely to do something if people are around

you know what i mean okay just one moment

fun to talk about the nightlife program at win and encore we start off at win

this guy doesn't sound to fucking say it exists under the japanese restaurant in a lagoon at the

the bottom of a 100 foot waterfall not exactly what you'd expect to find off the strip in las

vegas but nonetheless really jazzed up fucking music in these surrender and there's a waterfall

next drea's restaurant and the nightclub surrender is the encore very interesting

daytime nightclub very interesting that place where we have these cabanas and these

what the fuck is this guy doing

and high energy music

in the daytime

the Encore Beach Club is the most celebrated

and popular of daytime

high energy music scenes

in all of Las Vegas

who's going to the fucking club during the day

all the night clubs that win an Encore

quite a few

and if you like to stay up late at night

you can take your pick

really like to stay up late at night

you can try them all

is he talking to old ass people

I live in the hotel which probably doesn't surprise anyone and therefore I eat all the

restaurant all the time one of the things I enjoy the most is called Andrea's it's a very high

energy right next to the nightclub surrender it has a fusion menu music in that restaurant

and if you're in Andrea's Sinatra images memories of Frank Sinatra alive and well

including his academy award fraternity is in the room Emmys from television for the man and his

There's music, Grammy Awards.

Place feels like something with an outdoor.

Thanks for holding.

This is Matt.

Hey, Matt.

Hi.

So I understand you had some special requests for your reservation.

Yeah, did those get passed on to you?

She started telling me a little bit about some of them.

Unfortunately, we're not going to really be able to accommodate most of them.

Well, can you not do the knives?

She'll stab me if she gets mad.

She gets really mad if she stabs me.

I mean, we're a steakhouse.

A lot of our dishes need knives in order to eat them.

So I can't have a table with no knives on it.

How about not a steak knife, a butter knife?

Then that won't cut through a steak.

We don't set the table with steak knives.

But we only serve the steak knives if you order something that needs it.

So I should tell her before we get served or something, right?

Sure.

Did she tell you the situation, why I have to be careful because of her violence?

Right.

And if anything happens, we're going to call security and have you removed from the property immediately.

Look, I'm not doing anything.

I'm not going to raise my voice.

I'm just going to tell her.

I'm just going to sit there.

She'll punch me and kick me and she'll bite me and stuff and throw stuff at me.

Okay, then you'll be involved and you'll both be removed from the property immediately.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's not my fault.

I'm just there eating my meal.

The security will know that.

Okay, I'm just going to tell you what's going to happen.

If you guys get into an altercation at the table, if you're involved in it,

But if you're involved in it, then you will both be removed from the property.

She will be involved in it, not me.

She will be involved.

Okay.

What meals do you have there?

Because I'll eat a salad.

Does that come with a steak knife?

No, it doesn't.

Okay.

Do you have, like, a chicken dish?

She doesn't.

She's a bitch anyway.

She's going to be like, I just want a salad or something, probably, you know?

Okay.

All right.

So as long as you don't set the table with knives, you know, for goodness sake, please.

Okay.

All right.

Now, what about no coffee?

I don't offer coffee at the end of the meal because she'll throw hot coffee at me.

She's done it before.

She boiled hot water once and threw it at me.

I think it's best if you don't come in here then.

I have to go somewhere to tell her.

That's fine.

If I tell her in private, she'll kill me.

I think it's best you do it at a different restaurant.

This is a very public place.

There's a lot of people around.

She'll be less likely to try to hurt me.

There's a lot of public restaurants, and I think you'll have to go somewhere else.

I have to come here.

You can't do this to me.

You can't.

I absolutely can.

Come on.

She's going to kill me.

If I have to tell her at home, she'll kill me.

Okay, you can go to any other restaurant, sir, but we're not going to honor your reservation.

I'm here at the hotel.

It's a whole thing.

I'm standing there at the hotel.

What am I going to do?

Get an Uber, and then what after we have the fight?

She's going to leave me there.

I'm going to be stuck and stranded.

Next thing you know, you're going to be doing the commercials for the whole music.

I live in the hotel.

That should be no surprise.

kind of about you know what i'm saying we add a little weird that's so weird weird so for y'all

that got it you won't be like fuck this shit man it's the same you know wow anyway said fuck that

shit mc's just bit we got a number in tennessee it's kind of late but it's for a female puppy

looking for a home for real though you never know maybe they'll pick up and be upset when i'm on the

mic i run it's only one and i was right you hit you with your face yeah i know it sounds funny

but we grinded them up just like hamburger and shut the fuck up hi wazuzu i'm calling because

you have an ad for a female puppy looking for a forever home yeah oh good good um how old is puppy

10 weeks old and what do you feed puppy puppy chow puppy chow bran perina or what perina perina

brand puppy chow um okay uh um all right what can you tell me about this puppy have name no

Uh, does Puppy breathe?

No.

Oh, wait, she's a deer-headed chihuahua.

She's a deer-headed chihuahua?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, all right.

Um, is she nice?

Does she growl?

Because a lot of chihuahuas are like,

you know how they get?

Yeah.

No, she's not like that.

She's very laid-back,

and she's good with kids and other animals.

Oh, good, good.

Does she like to play?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, what, she doesn't have a name, though?

Mm-mm.

We never named her.

Because you're gonna,

you don't wanna have to name her,

because it's like when you have an animal

and you're going to slaughter the animal for meat,

you don't name the chicken, you know?

Yeah.

Right, and you're going to slaughter.

Because I'm going to cook the puppy,

so I don't want to name it either.

It's good that it doesn't have a name

so there's no attachment, you know?

Yeah.

Okay.

Can we fatten up the puppy a little bit?

Do what?

How fat do you think we can get the puppy

before I cook it in the pot?

Okay, whatever.

whatever.

While I get off

the E.L.A.

song.

Guys,

I'm sorry.

I'm kind of bored.

You know,

I think I'm going to go.

You don't go.

No.

I'm going to play

PlayStation and stuff.

I was about to head out,

so,

you know.

You're a liar.

You're fucking lying.

Dedication.

Come on.

See you later.

Oh,

my hat on my ass.

No,

you're not.

Pocket hose, though.

What's called pocket hose?

Put it up Dwight's ass.

Mmm.

Hi, and thanks for calling to order Pocket Hose Brass Bullet,

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Yeah, it's late. None of this is going to work, guys.

We're done.

Oh man, we would feel the use of that lightweight hose for his clonic.

I would have done it earlier, but I had to work and stuff.

Alright, so everyone who joined in, I want to thank Baz, Xfoot, Blake, Giatis, I'm forgetting

anybody.

Giat, Giat, Giat, everyone check out Paws of Masculinity.

Dwight, are you doing a show tomorrow?

Yeah, I think so.

Alright, good, good.

Dwight's show tomorrow, he will not be playing Xbox during that.

You're going to enjoy that.

Nice. Baz, you got anything to promote?

You got your book coming? Yeah.

Contact me on gort.com

slash baz.

Thanks for your editing help,

Max, man. I appreciate it. Yeah, I got enough

of the plug. Alright.

That's all I have. Alright, guys, you're

out of here on your asses. Thanks for joining me.

Alright. Thank you. I'm on my ass.

Nice. I never heard from Milkman

again, you know?

He gets really weird when people

get along.

Poor Milkman, you know.

Milkman's a nice guy.

I appreciate the guy a lot, you know what I mean?

I want to thank everyone who made these last 12 years fun.

And everyone else out there who has yet to join the Madhouse Nation.

Hang on and enjoy their life.

Seriously, I love all the fans.

I love everyone who helps me out.

The people out there who are always communicating with me on Facebook,

book and twitter reminding me of why i do this thing um next show i'm not sure i really do not

know oh yeah i didn't even mention the madhouse meetup that we're talking about jayad and i

talked about getting a meetup in new york city maybe chicago i don't know let's keep us moving

more west so the more people come anyway have a good night everybody this right here is the

The life's work for me.

Drop it, Alchemist.

Right now.

Madhouse Radio 12 Year Anniversary Show

Calls (44, 2 h 12 min of 4 h)

Transcript

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