The NOC

You know you're talking to Whole Foods, right?

We're a grocery store.

Yeah, and you know that your company was bought out by Amazon.

Okay, this is not Amazon.

I cannot help...

Well, they're not picking up.

I'm sorry that you got the Amazon business.

They're not picking up.

You have to call Amazon.

Stop interrupting me when I'm talking, you bitch.

Call me a bitch.

Okay, I'm going to hang up on you.

Bitch.

Call me a bitch.

Cunt.

And you can talk to Amazon.

Cunt.

Dumb bitch.

Can't even hang up the phone.

I'm not playing no fucking games, bitch.

I fucked you, son of a bitch.

Stop making us get to cutting.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all night long.

You're not perfect.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

You heard about what's going on in there?

Heard a lot of bullshit talk, I know that much.

This isn't bullshit, my friend.

Do you know something?

Don't listen.

What do you know?

Maybe I do and maybe I don't.

What I say is they got no business negotiating.

We ought to be going back in there with a bullet for everybody in the yard.

Oh, is that right?

right we do it now we do it later later it can be no use am i right al wait wait wait a minute

frank got a lot of angry guys in there black muslims panthers young lords besides you the

average anti-social we gotta go in right clean your clocks ladies and gentlemen this is

faces off from you i bet going on you're stupid you stupid

It's like the echo keeps going.

You say something now.

Hello?

Something, something, something, run.

Is it still echoing?

Yeah, hello, hello.

I know how to fix it.

What do I do?

Ba-ba-ba-boo.

And dial clockwise.

Don't lean up.

There's a way to fix it.

I think that I turn this one down.

All right, now, now, right now.

Hello, hello.

Test, test, test.

Seems good.

okay there we go i just yeah okay i need to learn to hit the mute button i just bring the sliders

down because i forget where i i they're supposed to be you know yeah but if you hear the echo just

say hey just say echo real quick carlito and i'll readjust it yeah you're fucking you're sleeping

yeah just say plant plant echo code echo you could say yeah nice here in the intro are people

able to connect there are people able to connect clay wants to connect he just called me i don't

I don't know if he's connecting here.

Well, I added a bunch of people.

Who's here?

Zach.

Hey, we're here.

It's Carlito Madhouse.

It's a hurricane.

I'm here.

You're here.

Zach, can you go out?

Sidekick Zach is going to introduce everyone who's online.

Let's see what we got going on.

Zach.

Hi, I'm here.

I'm Zach.

We got Asper.

Mom's up.

Jack TV.

Oh!

Laugh Track Matt.

Hey.

Ryan Token.

oh they don't have any

giant giant giant giant

they don't oh

I forgot I changed that

your picture

maybe I don't have you added on skype

okay and Carlito

hey that's me

and Clay's just joined hi Clay

hey Clay finally made it amen

uh Zax

what is your tiny chat that you're broadcasting

video on I believe

I couldn't get it to work

we're just in skype

yeah i can we can try we can try it let's let's just do it because it'll be fun um tinychat.com

slash zax intel z-a-x-i-n-t-e-l z-a-x-i-n-t-e-l tinychat.com slash ahead of that first call of

the night let's see if this works i like this jazz background i know you yeah you always say

that about this i know i plan now i tell you yeah just get on the call if you want man

i'm naked my mannequin you're naked so i feel very weird oh you're naked oh i meant i feel

that way on local caller do you know local i don't know is that skype you see a local call

yeah no that's his that's sandal hold drag him in do you want to come i don't know who that is

I don't know if they're an enemy of the crowd.

We'll polish a good egg.

Bring you in a minute, buddy.

So, Ted slashed his accent, though.

I like the part of the show.

Oh, hey, is the...

Here.

Uh...

No, Alito uses a different...

You're not using Skype at all?

No, no, no, no, no.

Haven't for many years.

The lifetime bond.

Oh, no he doesn't, because he's...

It seems to be like I can't buy minutes.

Like, the minute I buy it, it completely...

The minute I make one call, it completely...

that happened it happened to me i got like hello they'd like to do it right after you pay a ton

of money they like to shut it down but it seems like knock on fucking wood hello hello is anyone

there sounded like someone picked up yeah i think there was somebody there for a second yeah

i'm calling in a radius around corpus christi texas i'm trying to get some 7-elevens online

because usually these motherfuckers don't close they're just like we're fucking staying we're here

uh people need by fucking sure we need hurricanes we're sold out of everything but we're here that's

usually the way it goes but i imagine with them they boo a poo chopped up checked up the mark

or the prices when there was a hurricane in springfield was there a hurricane in springfield

there was like oh yeah it was awesome because like it did the hurricane like the simpsons

the heart that's when fucking flanders goes batty and finally wigs oh and like he goes with

like because his house he's the only house that gets destroyed okay so he wigs out yeah okay now

i thought where's your messiah now is when he was getting arrested by this was really funny because

it's just you can't tell carl we are not available i am cheers please leave your name caller says you

You know who he is.

I'm trying to find...

How far back do you think I have to...

How far inland should I go here, guys?

You think 30 miles would do it?

You think 30 miles, you're not evacuating, you're hunkering down?

I'm going to do the game show thing and go with 31.

I'm going to go with 29 miles.

That's such a dick move for people to do that.

i used to think if i was on that show price is right and the motherfucker was the last one and

i said thirty dollars and he's like one dollar or whatever that fucking ant you know is it one

dollar no you should say one under right so he would say dollar i was gonna say one mile i said

29 because oh because it's as close to it without going over right yeah yeah that would slap the

shit out of that guy like what are you fucking doing man you can't do that man put it out just

Just because you went last.

Or is that just part of that?

Because the longer you're in, the later your guess is, right?

So then you can use the $1 rule.

Yeah.

Okay.

I think that's how it is, right?

Or do you start going first?

No, I think you're first when you first come down, right?

Right.

I never watched the show.

No?

Are you American?

I've seen clips of it and shit when something happens.

Dude, there was nothing better on this.

when the breaking bad guy was on i saw like a clip of that i saw like broads that was a million

dollars i don't think i don't i barely i've maybe seen five at five episodes since the 90s ended

but i mean i could tell like on like senior skip days or like during spring break when i was in

high school or middle school and shit we were skating and rent horror movies oh okay well

that's cool watch the faces of death right i did that too though you like that faces death i like

Like Trace of Death. I was just talking about that last night to somebody.

Trace of Death were like the real thing, because Face of Death is a lot of stage, a lot of bunk.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

Tons of it is.

Well, tons of it is, but they were like real executions.

Like they show those executions and shit like that.

The electrocutions.

No, executions, executions.

They'd be like in South America somewhere.

That's the big thing on Trace of Death.

One was like the electric chair and the eyes popping and shit.

it and that was total fraud.

Really? Yeah, yeah. There is

some things. It was just like finding a body

in a dumpster or something on it.

But the majority

of it, like the Bastion of the Monkey Brains

was fake. Matt,

is the people

behind that the same people that were behind

Cannibal Holocaust? No.

Cannibal Holocaust is an awesome flick. That was an Italian

guy, right? That's an awesome flick, yeah.

And he, um...

They had to go to, like, court

to prove it, yeah.

It's because he played it off as real and he had the actors hide afterwards like they were really missing.

And then there was a problem with the real animal killing in that.

There was a pig or a guinea or something or a chinchilla.

There's a weird weasel-y thing and then there's a turtle that they just killed.

You can only record animals being killed in movies when you're complaining about where our meat comes from.

Yeah, I guess so.

That's the only time it's okay.

Unless the ag-gag laws get a hold of you.

can you kill a chick could you you can kill a chicken right on on film or would that be a deal

i've seen it on tv i want to say i think it's a song they they hey it's good hey real quick i just

want to mention real quick jack tv it's good to have you on it's been a while since the you know

everything went down the great schism that's good to have you back yes it's great to be here i

appreciate y'all um jack has jack has bended the knee and i have accepted no i'm sorry i'm just

kidding i'm just watching a lot of games from carlito because i felt bad now i don't want to

talk too much about it no no no no because yeah you know you know people manipulated and all that

bullshit and i never took any sides i kind of stepped back but i was totally i've been watching

a lot of game of thrones that's why i said that that the last few episodes have been i bend the

knee no you bend the knee no you will suck a cock or two you should try to tell people tonight to

To bend the knee, yes.

I'm sure I'd like it.

I turned off the first episode.

I didn't make it.

How did you not get into the first episode?

No, I just, I don't know.

Game of Thrones is like professional time-wasting.

You watch one episode and you look at the damn clock and it's five hours later.

My story with it, I put it off.

It's the old and timey shit that I don't like.

like there's no computers i don't give a fuck i had heard oh i had never read the books but i

had a friend that had read the book so i was the books okay but yeah true but i know i heard in the

first season hbo was amazing and i was putting it off and then it was right when my mom died

and i just needed an escape so i said all right let me just try this game of thrones thing and

it was like the most perfect thing i was like fuck yeah i completely like just delved into

to the world of it and yeah i think i think a lot of my problem is just my contrarian view of the

world and so if anything's super popular i dislike it like like on gp you know there's a there's a

show that's not that popular and it's extremely blasphemous and it's called preacher have you

watched it yet i haven't you know dark stranger was talking about this i read the comic book

in the 90s it was a good fucking comic book man i didn't really i read the the trade paperbacks

except it was the collection of the comic books, you know?

Season one was pretty good.

I was like, oh, that is a pretty good.

But season two, dude, I am fucking floored.

It is the most blasphemous show I've ever seen on cable television.

And if you watch it, you know exactly what I'm talking about

when they start kind of looking at God and Jesus

and some of the other stories.

It's amazing.

It reminds me, I was watching a porn this week at random,

them and it was a it was an italian porn and the guy the priest guy was dressed like a priest like

you know he had the the black smock on and the collar and he was fingering the girl and and i

could tell it in italian he was saying i'm getting the devil and the devil's gonna come out and he's

basically like he ends up like fisting her and and she's like oh yeah he's like fucking devil

will come out i was like holy shit how do you jerk off to aggressive like brother carlos

yeah yeah yeah and i i i it's impossible to find yeah now because like it was in my incognito

tabs in right well incognito browsers yeah i have no history now and i don't bookmark that

dude imagine imagine brother carlos doing that

demon of frigidity you come out this woman come out this woman okay this guy just give me a local

florida number i'll pass it on to him i have i have some people who are bored roommates would

be good yeah i got a bunch of those shit good jad jad has the nice info from local caller

there's in the store got where you're playing that yes yeah it took a minute man now i've gone

to laredo texas and motherfuckers still don't answer maybe it's because my i sent my caller

id to corporate uh and it's a toll send it uh send it to noah to noah noah yeah the fucking

witherson yeah yeah yeah good idea let me let me kick off the music here where were we tonight i

Start off on it.

This is serious business.

All right.

Let me adjust the call ID and retry.

While I'm at the knee, I'll just go ahead and adjust your mouse.

It's all right.

You don't have to bend.

I really was just kidding.

I'm not like that.

I'm already on the floor.

I might as well chill.

You just chilling on the floor?

I like to chill on the floor.

I just lay down on the floor.

I like to do.

I'm like, why are the cats like this so much?

It's good to look up skirts when you're sitting on the floor.

There's a whole group of people on YouTube that work for us.

you're breaking in yeah music does that does the music do that yeah yeah yeah

i don't know i just i honestly don't think i'm that funny it's so funny we had uh we had

20 the other day for party time and then somebody did a show and like half the people left oh

Hey Strangely

Promote the new

Call of the Mask of Fusion

The alternate ending

was released today

The alternate ending

got released today

The animated version

The alternate ending

calls in mass confusion went out yeah it's very good yeah like check that out coping mechanism

that's what i realized today that was like first thing i found when i started working on it again

but i put it i don't have the way i wanted to because it's shitty i'm in jail for pranking

what are you in for i'll just call it dude and you fucking to get a bunch of dates give you 50

years you know fun starting how crazy is doc's fucking rapper he's what his throat got started

that's why he started talking all crazy yeah he was in a well it's like windpipe went on the

steering wheel this way oh man i have no idea about that i mean it was good i think it's gonna

blow up though everything's closed man they just shut it down huh well the governor my mom was

telling me is the governor said get out of dodge on the news did you say get out of dodge literally

Literally, because that's Texas speak for, yeah, okay, now it's serious, right?

Yeah, yeah, like, yeah, yeah.

All right, well.

Did you like the government before or after the eyepatch?

Oh, we got Nick Caesar in here.

Wow, he's not saying the onion ring.

There you go.

He's Nick Caesar.

There's the response.

There's one to call.

How did the government get his eyepatch on the show?

I forget.

Fuck.

Was it Andrea that did it?

Andrea, yeah, stabbed him in the eye.

Stabbed him in the eye.

It wasn't Andrea.

It wasn't Andrea?

Wasn't it?

No, it was Michonne.

Was it Michonne?

oh it was Michonne yeah you're right

I don't remember you're right though he didn't have the patch

and then when he

yeah

I didn't like what they did with him after the

prison thing with the whole like

oh he met some girls

and he didn't fuck them he just wanted to be like

their dad or something

I don't know

you know I see

you see all the jokes related to like

Herschel's spaghetti policy with

the governor after that show went down

because we're talking about spaghetti all the time.

Was he really talking about spaghetti?

See, I don't recall that at all.

There's some gag between Herschel and the governor

about spaghetti because they were trading food or something.

Spaghetti.

Yeah, there's a whole bunch of memes.

Look it up. It's funny.

We should call spaghetti.

What do you think there, Matt?

You got that number?

Think she'll pick up?

Big spaghetti?

The one girl?

You call spaghetti for some reason?

I don't even know why you call her spaghetti anymore.

I totally forgot.

I've moved back even further into the States.

Come on.

Corporate office.

7-Eleven.

Hi, my name is Rex. I'm calling from the corporate office. Is this store number 3?

Yes.

Okay, good. We have the right store.

What's your current operational status with the storm coming in? Please report.

It's not going to hit. It's calm. It's not raining or windy or anything.

Oh, you're not going to get a hurricane at all?

No.

The hurricane disappeared?

No, but it's going to... Hello, sir.

Hi!

Yeah.

I'm sorry?

You said hello. Hi.

Oh, no. It was a customer that came in.

Oh, so... Oh, shit, man.

So I'm sorry, you're not going to, it's going to, it's going to hit like in Galveston and

Houston.

When, when tonight?

Tonight.

Yes.

Uh, how long from now do you think maybe two or three hours?

Yeah, it's like a, I think it's a hundred, like 110 miles away from, uh, Galveston.

Oh shit.

So, and it's moving at eight miles per hour.

I understand according to internet.

Yes.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

So you're not going to close your stay open because it's not going to be bad where you

are, right?

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay, and you're in Fart? Is that where this is?

I'm sorry?

You're in Fart, Texas?

Yes.

Fart. Okay, cool.

Well, what's the closest location you think that's open still right now to get you to Galveston?

Because I heard Corpus Christi. That's what they're telling us here. I'm in the command center.

And they told us...

Yes, that's the closest thing, the Corpus Corpus, Galveston, and Houston.

But they're not open, though.

I tried contacting them, but they're not open.

Those are closed right now.

I'm very worried.

What's the closest that is open, just so I can confirm with them?

I'm not sure.

Would you have an idea?

How far in do you think I've got to go?

I'm sorry?

How far in do you think I'd have to go?

No, sir.

You know?

No.

Okay.

Hey, do you got not sure on the line here?

That was a big fan of the role in Idiocracy.

crazy hello not sure huh okay hey can you can i put in an order please yes okay i'd like to make

an order okay okay i need two hot dogs with mustard and relish and chopped onion uh we don't

take orders and we don't have onion okay but just write it down just write it down i'm sorry just

write it down write it down uh give me a second okay your mic squats okay yeah yeah hi you got

Got that? Two hot dogs with mustard and relish?

Okay.

Okay, and then I need $5 on pump four.

I'm sorry?

I need $5 on pump four.

Okay.

Okay, and I need a pack of Skol.

Okay.

Okay, then Jack's got something to order real quick. Real quick, real quick. Jack.

Really quick, really quick. Diet Coke and some Mentos, and then put them together, and that's my favorite.

Yeah, we need to confirm. Do you have the Diet Coke two liter there?

Real quick, real quick.

Okay.

Hey, while you're at it, can you also grab a Mentos?

Oh, yeah, sure, whatever.

All right.

She's doing that.

So she says Galveston.

Maybe I should be calling Galveston.

Maybe.

This fucking hurricane is going to be hitting them for like three days or so.

God damn that thing.

The nice Homer J.

I'll have a large box of condoms.

Some of them panty shields.

Some of those Noonie mags.

One of those disposable enemas.

No, make it two.

Eight fidget spinners.

I can't appreciate what the disposable item is.

The ambulance is coming already.

Jai, you have children.

How many fidget spinners have you bought so far?

None.

None?

I have.

Good father.

Yeah.

If they asked for it, you slapped the shit out of them.

I have a PLA brand fidget spinner right here.

Yeah.

Brad sent me the prototype.

Yeah.

Okay.

You have the two liter.

Did you bring...

Can you...

Do you have Mentos?

Mentos, I need you to put four Mentos inside a Diet Coke 2-liter, please.

And what is it I'm saying?

My name is Rex.

I'm with 7-Eleven Corporate, with Southland Corporate.

Okay.

I need you to place four blue Mentos inside one 2-liter of Diet Coke,

and we have to check to see if it creates any foam or not.

Oh, I don't know.

There's a recall.

There's an emergency recall on the Diet Coke.

It's tainted.

It's bad.

But I can't do that.

You can, you can.

I'm with the corporate office.

I just, I need you to do this.

I can't open secrets inside the store.

I'm sorry.

You can't open secrets inside the store?

No.

Oh, whoa.

Secret secrets are no fun.

Secret secrets hurt someone.

Okay, asshole then.

All right?

You're an asshole.

All right?

You're stupid.

I agree with that.

Goofers and goofers.

Like the PLA, PLA branded.

it's got to be some dude dude dude we can i think i remember my old number

yeah hi i'm calling from southland corporate office 7-11 corporate okay uh wanted to confirm

with you are you what's your current operational status please well are you open are you operating

normally powers okay okay what's your current prognosis with the storm that's coming in

And we're here in the command center, and we're watching the storm situation for all the locations in the area.

Yeah, we're open.

Okay, do you have any plans to close?

Let's say issue a mandatory evacuation.

Okay, and from what I understand, on my information, there has not been a mandatory evacuation yet in your location.

For a portion of the county, there is a mandatory evacuation, yes.

Okay, all right, but not affecting your store, because if there's a mandatory evacuation,

evacuation we wanted to discuss whether or not the store has to be closed so that's why it's

very important that you listen to what i'm asking there's not a mandatory evacuation for where you

are right now correct where i am at the moment no there's not okay all right all right so and

even if let's say a mandatory evacuation were to get issued no one in this store is to know about

it do you understand what i mean no one in this store is to have been notified about that you're

You are to hunker down and stay put and take shelter inside the store, but you must remain open.

This is imperative, okay?

Yeah.

Who is the manager on duty?

Who's the MOD right now?

I'm the manager.

You are the MOD?

Okay.

I'm the store manager.

Okay, all right.

And who are you with, Ben?

I'm with Southland, Southland Corporate Office.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Now, can we get a tally?

Let's say, for example, and I have a few things here that we need to check.

Bottled water, how are we doing on that there?

yeah let me put you on hold real quick okay sure sure sure they're remuted she can't hear us

now i just realized i need to be calling walmart's with this scheme also because walmart has like a

big command center that's where i could say we're calling from oh hey oh so the squawkins coming

from you yeah making it sound like i'm some kind of 7-eleven central command center oh i think i

I just thought they had pigs in all their places.

I'm in the NOC.

I'm in the 7-Eleven NOC.

I gotta say, I'm in the NOC.

The NOC or the back phone?

The back bad phone?

You're the one that made me go to the knock, right?

Yes, I know what a knock is.

That's why I said back phone.

Well, no, because you're, you know, me and you, we got telecoms.

it's like the same yeah because like i'd like i remember leaving one and then this boss like we

just don't drive and i'm getting blazed at this at&t gig and like already like halfway oh this

boss called me up he's like did you call the backbone uh center and i was like what's the

backbone but the bad phone man what are you talking about bad phone what is this well that's

usually like if you're in the field and you need like yeah i know i know what it is but i'm saying

Dang, I mistook backbone for bat phone.

I got you.

Because I was all fucked up, and I was like, why are you calling me about a bat phone?

So that's what AT&T calls it, the back phone.

No.

The backbone.

The network.

I get it.

Yeah, it's a knot.

You're actually Batman.

It's a knot.

It's a lot of companies have it.

I worked at one telecom company, and they call it the heck, which is like the hurricane control center.

like uh hurricane and emergency control center ameritech and shit had knocks and then i guess

at&t had backbones for those for those of you who don't know we're talking about uh like at&t

verizon all those big telecommunications companies they have like it basically looks

like nasa mission control and they're you know they're wild yeah it's really fucking cool it

looks like uh the thing from fucking war games where they play with the whopper you play tech

tech though they got like the weather up and they got monitoring i used to go in one meritech

building that was like it wasn't the full thing but it was like they had like a knocky thing and

i got to like tip around in that a little bit dude i got to go in the fucking uh the the air

track control things at over here airport before like the towers really how'd you yeah because my

but we were doing both and like everything we were doing battery work and my two guys were

working really hard and i'm just bullshitting with like the old cool uh fucking maintenance guy and

he's like you want to see the tower shit like yeah and i went in there i was like god damn

this is fucking cool it's just so like nice and cool and dark i was like i just want to sit up

here with you guys when i was a kid for some reason i wanted to be an air traffic controller

my dad's like made fun of me because like you know they just went on strike because we're talking

like in the 80s there's that big strike it's like you'll never get a job in that you'll i mean what

a fucking dad right you'll never get a job i was like i wanted to and you're like you'll get

tricked by goji berries exactly yeah you'll spend the family uh fortune on the goji berries

box boxes yeah with your penny saver air traffic controller seems stressful yeah well there's that

movie that's i think that's where i got the idea from there was that movie in the 80s where the

dude's like it was an air traffic controller summer rental you're talking about no it wasn't

something what was it summer rental was awesome was it that was an air traffic controller and

he had to go on vacation at the beginning yeah did he did he punch the thing missing because

there was a fly over it and he's like i got a fucking small plane missing he's winging out

and they're like it's just a fly man you need to go on vacation

very good we should movie night somewhere i gotta maybe that's it i thought it was

did the hurricane hit already she also she doesn't know yeah she went to go i think she says

here we go hang on we got some action hello hello just you're shooting the shit forgot we were doing

the show fuck's sake let's call back like i said she didn't fucking buy it the deck they're calling

for him again i could hear like a laugh from that you're calling 7-eleven alvin how may i help you

yes hello my name is cross i'm calling from the network outage center at southland i was talking

to someone there i was put on hold and i think we got disconnected uh-huh this is store number

36522 uh-huh okay we were calling to check your current operational status i understand that you

are not in an evacuation zone mandatory evacuation zone hello okay yeah you're with him i'm in the

network outage center with 7-eleven with southland corporate southland corporate and how is that

Is that connected to 7-Eleven?

We're the corporate office.

We own 7-Eleven.

We run the network.

Oh, so you guys are the scammers.

We got the email about.

So, Softland Corporation, you're coming to check on our status as far as evacuation, correct?

Yes, that's correct.

We're trying to confirm.

That was in the email as well.

That was not in the email.

What email?

Read the email.

Thank you.

Have a wonderful evening.

Read the email.

I command you.

Oh, shit.

They got the email, man.

I told you.

She doesn't know.

know she's ignorant fucking dummy it was a different woman sir and that's why i was hoping

that it would work but i don't think it was and a laugh was the same all right let's find another

one this is gonna work this is like doesn't know what southland is well yeah you're right that is

pretty ignorant okay yeah what exactly that like when my checks say southland corporation or

Or actually, people probably don't get paper checks anymore.

No, they just get the direct deposit.

Or if you can't do that, they straight up give you a prepaid card.

They just load funds onto you for you now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think Miles is trying to feed you something.

Has anyone else joined the Kahoot?

Who do we have?

Because I don't have the screen in front of me.

I think I heard X, Y, Z.

You got X, Y, Z in here?

Yeah.

X, Y, Z.

I don't know.

Furnace Squad.

X, Y, Z.

Furnace is Furnace.

he's a good egg

yeah we're repping the furnace squad

is this a

rust thing

there's some streamer

that we were messing with on twitch the other day

he couldn't remember furnace's

name and he kept saying it was furnace

and then we were part of the furnace squad

oh is that that asian kid you guys had me

watching that we were messing with

no no it was a different one

cause that kid was getting so

fucking mad when I was posting shit

in there. We visited him the other

day, actually. I told

him that, oh, Firmus was streaming this game

the other day, and his mood just shifted, dude.

So there's another one who thinks you guys

are Furnasquad. Okay.

Cool. Cool.

Furnasquad sounds kind of cool.

Did y'all ever play that game a little in front of

Thank you for calling your local Walmart.

We appreciate your business and look

forward to the opportunity to serve you

in our store.

For pharmacy, press 1.

Weeping Angel.

What's up, big guy?

For electronics, press 2.

Big fan.

Weepy's in the tiny set.

For pickup, press 3.

Or the cat is.

For deli, press 4.

Oh, man.

To speak to an associate, press 0.

Oh, yeah.

To repeat this menu.

His ex is just showing me a chair.

Yes, hello, buenos noches.

I'm calling from the Network Outage Center for Walmart.

I'm calling with the corporate office.

Hello?

Speak English, motherfucker.

Jesus.

Build a wall.

Hello, yes, I'm calling from the corporate office.

I'm in the network outage center.

Who am I speaking with?

Alejandro from customer service.

Alejandro, okay.

First of all, the gentleman who just answered the phone over there was speaking completely in Spanish.

And why?

And why is this?

Some of our associates don't speak English.

You've got to be kidding me.

They can understand it, but they can't talk in English.

Okay, they're on the non-green card program.

Okay, I understand.

We don't mention it.

okay that's fine sir i'm calling from the network outage center we're here in bentonville we monitor

the walmart system the computer system the network okay what is your current operational status as

far as the hurricane harvey machine okay well let me call my manager because i don't have that

information okay vamos let's go stupid i'm gonna tell you what this whoever i'll tell you what

whoever free chemo is in the irc chat it's a really funny idea call battered women shelters

and ask to speak to your wife.

Put her on the phone, motherfucker.

You can't do that.

I know you can't.

I know you can't, but I do.

She just don't understand.

She don't understand.

Look what she's going to make me do to her.

She's going to regret it.

Do what you made me do.

Put her on the phone or she's going to regret it.

Tell her these dishes ain't going to do them something.

I'm going to beat every woman there.

It's the best of good views for the win.

That would get copied on something.

I know.

It would, but it's so funny.

You're just thinking of some fucking guy.

Oh, what about fucking what?

Women get abusive relationships with crazy people.

That would be a horrible call.

Fucking what?

Oh, this is taking a long time.

Eat your fucking food.

Right?

Yeah, you're waiting for the Walmart to get the fucking manager at the Walmart

where everybody's going to answer the phone.

doesn't speak spanish or doesn't speak i'm puerto rican i'm like you gotta be kidding me man

really like i can see why the white people are like the world you know

why would you have people answer the phone but don't speak yeah at least you know like i could

see like a lot of the calls are probably in spanish and it's cool you know but like they

They need to at least be bilingual.

Totally, totally, totally.

Because, like, that's some fucking old white person, like,

I call a goddamn Walmart, they just want a zipping Spanish.

Oh, wait, he said they understand it,

so I guess you're able to say what department you want.

Thank you for calling your local Walmart.

We appreciate your business and look forward to the opportunity

to serve you in our store.

For pharmacy, press 1.

For electronics, press 2.

hello is that the manager all right hello is this the storm is this the store manager on duty

or oh i'm on mute is this store manager on duty uh no we have some assistant managers

okay all right well i'm calling from bentonville i'm in the network outage center we're monitoring

the situation with the hurricane machine okay okay what is your current operational status

where everything's working right now all right are you planning on remaining open yes are you

wait hold on hold on that's not that's not up to me let me send you to an assistant manager

are you in a manager hold on all right what oh shit

this is a black guy no way man dude you're gonna end up working at the walmart knock

After you say it so many times

Yeah

That's the fake madhouse

Thank you for calling

Your local Walmart

We appreciate your business

And look forward

To the opportunity

To serve you in our store

For pharmacy

Press 1

Where's that big fat Dwight

For electronics

Press 2

Not as fat Dwight

Adam did I

Did I not

I like

You're

Dude

You're the fucking

You're the

What do you

Personality of the show

Somebody else needs to do that shit

I'm the talent

Yeah

That's a talent too though

It is, but it's like

Cats don't like thug as much

They're happy to do that to me

Yeah, exactly

Thank you

Thank you, Matt

Um, well

We'll figure something out here

Or

Try

I'm trying to remember my old number

My old house, but I can't remember

Alright

I keep saying this

Am I correct in saying that Southland is

The corporate office

No that's the scam place

With a bunch of fans

That they got the email about

The guy in the song sounds like you Jack

Nice

I'll put my hands up for the scam band

Ooh Party Time

Be sure to listen to Party Time

With Lab Track Bad Sacks

Pretty good show

Monday through Friday, 11 a.m. Eastern.

Some time.

It's Monday through Friday.

All right, here's another 7-Eleven.

This will work.

Ooh, 87.

Seven was there behind a great ball show.

We need 100.

We're just to be profitable, nothing.

$100 on Patreon.

You guys have to hit 100?

How may I help you?

Hello, yes, this is Storth.

Okay, I had called earlier.

I'm calling from the NOC in Southland.

Okay, why were you saying that there's something about a...

Okay, let me tell you that you talked to a police officer.

Let me put you on hold.

No, don't.

No, come on now.

That's not necessary.

No.

I'm sorry?

No, no, no, no.

Please, because my mom will get real mad.

Please, no.

Okay.

Please, no.

You have good night.

No, please, no.

Can you close the store, please?

Because I want to...

Officer, they're on the phone again.

I'm going to come in with a bag and steal everything.

Can you talk to them?

I'm going to start a fire.

ask ask him if he knows the name of the operation

we're gonna go away oh it's so stupid hello is this store yes it is great i'm calling from

7-eleven south flank corporate office i'm in the network outage center how are you i'm great good

what is your current operational status with the storm coming in the hurricane machine i mean we're

open available and going but we are definitely good are you in a mandatory evacuation zone at

at this time? No. Good. Have you had any interruptions of power service machines? Nope. Okay. All right.

At this time, I think we're going to make a decision here pretty soon regarding whether

or not this location is going to stay open. Are you in a position where you're able to close the

store if we ask you to do that? We need a 15-minute breakdown. No, I'm not. I'm authorized by my

managers to carry on with regular as far as shutting down. So she is authorized by her

Her manager as far as the operations of store.

Okay, well, I'm in the knock is what I'm trying to explain to you, okay?

And when we make a decision, it's coming from the top down, and this is urgent.

It's a liability issue?

Well, I feel like that would be definitely contact with my manager.

She is not available at this time.

Okay, well, then, I mean, what, are you refusing is what you're saying?

I'm refusing.

I mean, basically so, because I don't understand why you're calling me,

and I'm my manager, and she should have been the first one notified by her manager.

The number that didn't go through.

I mean, what we have on file.

Huh?

What?

Do what now?

Nothing.

I was talking to a customer.

I'm sorry.

I'm quite busy.

Okay.

All right.

Well, I mean, what do you want me to tell you?

I'm saying this is a mandatory evacuation of the store.

Well, I haven't been advised of anything, not even in my area.

All right.

Can you go?

People are still coming in the store.

Okay.

So we're perfectly fine.

I need you to open your operator's box and pull out the section 12B.

I don't know what that is.

You're going to have your authentication cards.

We're going to authenticate them right now.

I cannot do that.

I'm sorry.

Ma'am, I'm going to give you that.

I'm printing it right now.

Alpha, Echo, Romeo, Bravo, Charlie, Tango.

Can you please confirm that?

I cannot because I don't know what this call is.

Alpha, I need you to open up the command box in the back and pull out section 12B.

I cannot do that right now.

Why not?

I'm putting you through to my supervisor.

I don't understand why you're being rude.

I'm putting you through to my supervisor, because this is ridiculous.

That's fine.

Do it.

Mr. Hillock?

Yeah.

Hey there, buddy.

All right.

We got more stores refusing to close?

We have another refusal to close here, and I want her written up, and I want her out of here.

That's fine.

What, is she busy selling nachos to talk to you?

Exactly.

Did she open the command box?

She's refusing to open the command box and authenticate the card.

What's your name?

You can feel free to take my number down, and you can feel free to fire me.

What is your name?

I don't care.

My name is Chastity.

Chastity?

Yeah, that's a pretty ironic name, it sounds like to me.

Well, that's my name, so if you're so familiar with 7-Eleven, then you would know.

I would know?

Yeah, your employees.

That you have nothing to do with Chastity, that you spread them for everyone?

Everybody at the NOC knows every worker.

Yeah, exactly.

I have all your human resources files right here, because that's so fucking important.

Okay, so, you know what?

It doesn't bother me, Buddha.

There's jobs come like you wouldn't believe.

So, therefore, if that's what y'all want to do, because I'm not abiding by y'all's instructions, then that's fine.

I hereby declare you have been terminated from, as a Southland 7-Eleven employee, store number currently in violation.

Okay, that's fine.

If you continue to operate in this

location, you're going to be in violation

and you're going to be subject to possible litigation.

That way I can go home and be safe.

Okay, all right.

I'm going to connect our legal representative

then if you'd get uppity with me.

All right, she's gone, I guess.

Maybe she's gone.

I don't think she bought it.

I posted a nice thing about

the South End Corporation.

Yeah, they come soon.

I got the phone number.

um if you want to spoof this is it i do i haven't it's a is it a toll-free number or

no it's like a dallas number okay that'd be even better that's what i'm looking for

good guy good guy here here yeah yeah yeah what i got get what you got you get what i do

yeah here let me send you the whole decent address and shit here we go perfect sorry i

didn't do the number right that's good because i was afraid they were gonna grill me on it so

So where's, what city are you in, huh?

Yeah, so I posted, like, a whole deep Southland site ago.

It's, like, the thing about Southland.

You know, the biggest, one of the biggest,

largest operator, predecessor, and licensed convenience stores.

We're in 13,700, or 13,000 seven-hour stores.

I don't know that they have a NOC, but they probably do.

They're pretty big.

They've got a NOC.

Oh, I can't take that.

They definitely have a computer operations division, you know,

where all the mainframe shit's going through.

They have something where all those cash registers go.

Yep.

And, like, send where, like...

All the transactions get approved.

Yeah, and where, like, to know how much stock is and shit.

Like, not the, like, fucking Wall Street stock,

but, like, know how much is on the shelves.

And that, too, they got the stock.

They got a big whole room, a big ticker.

I don't know, maybe.

That'd be cool.

I would if I owned Southland.

If I was John Southland.

Well, thank you for that, Matt.

Hello.

How do we know where we live?

Dallas.

7-Eleven.

Hello, my name is Cross.

I'm calling from the Southland Corporate Office.

I'm in the Network Outage Center.

How are you?

Okay.

All right, just to confirm, this is store number...

Uh-huh.

Okay, are you okay?

Sounds like you're under arrest.

Yeah, I'm fine.

What you got?

All right, we're calling to check what your current operational status is, please.

Okay, I can't give any information out over the phone, 56701.

You'll have to call back.

Why?

Because that's the way it is.

I mean, we don't give any information out over the phone.

But what does calling back do then?

I'm still on the phone.

Well, you'll have to call back when the manager's here.

When's the manager there?

She's here in the morning, every morning.

I've got to confirm this, okay?

And I'll put you through to my supervisor if you don't want to be cooperative.

Okay, first of all, the fact that we don't give any information out over the phone.

So you will have to call back.

This isn't special information.

This isn't PII or anything like that.

What the fuck?

Maybe they've got a memo in advance.

somebody's thinking about a hurricane show

locked out nobody knows nothing about the pre-hurricane show earlier because

that seems to be someone they already knew yeah everybody every one of them seems to be

suspicious everyone the second you say south and corporation starts fucking laugh it's over

you hear the laugh thing and they're like yeah it's weird i'm no good at this i've always no

No, it's not that.

I'm not good at this type of prank.

No, I think they're known as...

Thank you for calling 7-Eleven.

This is Trina.

May I help you?

Yes, hello.

My name is Cross.

I'm calling from Southland Network Outwards,

Network Outage Center, 7-Eleven Network Outage Center.

Huh?

The corporate office.

Is this store number...

Yes.

Okay, good.

I want to confirm,

what is your current operational status, please?

We're fine.

Okay, everything...

Have you had any interruptions of power

with the store machine?

Nope.

Okay.

Okay, and you're planning on working, staying open, I understand?

Yes.

Okay.

Are you under a mandatory evacuation order right now?

No.

No? Okay.

All right, well, I'm going to put you through to my associate here.

I'm hoping Dr. Gaius Baltar is available, potentially.

We seem to have an issue.

Dr. Gaius, could you please help me out here, because I did not get the email.

What's happening over here?

with this woman uh i've got a location here in elmendorf this is store number 3629 or eight

and they need to start shutdown procedures uh because of the storm and we need a briefer

she needs to open her book to quote page number 12b yes ma'am could you open the book the employee

manual handbook to uh 1b please 12 1b i give up even a doctor to say yeah

they ain't never gave me no book

about this motherfucking garbage job

I don't get paid enough for this

I'm leaving

they don't fuck around

they've all been highly warned before this happens

I guess you guys must terrorize all the hurricanes

well like I shut down a bunch

in Philly when Hurricane Sandy came

I know that

and then ever since

I don't think I've done another one

there's definitely some communication that happened

because nobody's even yeah they're they're not here here call another one and give me the store

number all right you want the store the phone number or the store no like you call one but

tell me the store number okay you know because it seems like that's accurate when you're doing

it unless you're just making it up no i'm getting it off their website actually okay all right i

can i copy paste this yes i can boom that makes you you can just tell me and i can just type in

well no because i don't want to read it all right here there you go you see that the first line

they see i'm fucked up all right okay so let's see see if i get through if i get through the

thing all right here goes let me post it so it's just the number all right hey um jay get those

call those numbers it's going down for real jay tv ow no my tv is better though no but okay but

But it's very similar, ain't it?

It's similar, but it's still better.

It's sort of like the darker African-Americans are hating against the lighter-skinned ones.

It's the same thing with the TV.

Oh, I'm looking at both.

The TV world is the same.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yours is very dark, yeah.

Yeah, I'm seeing them both.

And you went in nice enough to get your logo on the thing.

This is actually the TV bootlegger.

Whoever you are, you're a pretty clever weirdo.

It's really funny.

I don't know what that's about.

I was, yeah, concerned when I first saw the picture of it

because it reminded me of someone else's.

Store number 36516, Mr. Hillock.

What's up?

Oh, okay.

I think that's mine and Zach's kid.

That would make sense.

Yes.

Hello.

Please leave a message after this phone.

Because no calls for fucking Hillock.

Let's just say I'm going to do this one,

and then if they pick up, you can take it.

See, way too close to the coast.

it's it's all closed up that this lockdown we should go loot yo now's the time yeah yeah

yeah you got a car don't you come scoop me up yeah i got a shitty car go get some hurricane

let's just run a yuto truck yeah that would be that's the excellent thing if they're like get to

them read that email they say a lot they say a lot of cars got stolen down in new orleans like

Like, during Katrina, like, straight off a lot.

Oh, yeah, why wouldn't you?

Like, new brand new cars, and never, never tracked their idea, whatever.

Well, why wouldn't you, dude?

Especially if you had to go, like, fucking Walking Dead.

You're just going to get ruined.

Yeah.

It's like, isn't it better for something?

Rather than be soaked with salt water?

Yeah.

Stand up and come on.

Well, it was after the storm, and it's still on dry land.

You know what I'm trying to say?

Oh, people.

But in an evacuated area.

Shouldn't that just go to show, never evacuate if you're in a business?

you hold your ground like this fucking rooftop with a shotgun yeah the fucking

rodney king rats nowhere yeah see they

got they were getting their asses kicked the first night

and i like i saw the one special on tv where like they they delved into it a little bit that whole

the korea town part of it like the first night like some of them got killed their stores got

all torched and stuff and the next morning there was a korean radio station down there

there was a talk show going on and this this one korean cat called in and he was like the battle

cry he was like in this in this country they have laws about the weapons and you can have a gun and

could protect your and we should you know basically saying these are the laws of this

country so let's use them and they just started shooting the fuck out of some black people man

they weren't even giving a fuck i like it black people they were they were black pieces they're

but they weren't even really looting just as far as they were just close to the two getting too

close to the store and they just start shooting at them some of that footage is crazy like i saw

that's a damn i never saw this footage like straight up like wild west shootouts with like

korean guys and rifles hiding behind like these old freaking cars oh my god you gotta watch that

yeah like the the riot footage right footage is always good man that was one thing me and

matt have a history with uh doing shows during riots for a while they're like well in the hospital

It's because I was thinking about the hurricane, and my mom was saying,

you guys always do something big to go around.

Is your mom scared of the hurricane?

No, because we're in Chicago.

Oh, good.

Thank you for calling your local Walmart.

Is she not scared of the Koreans anymore?

No, she doesn't.

Ever since she killed one of them.

The new cycle.

Thank you for calling Walmart.

Have a good time.

Hi, I'm calling from the Walmart Network Outage Center, the NOC.

This is the corporate office speaking.

Hello, how are you?

Fine, thank you. How are you?

Good. We're concerned for you.

What is your current operational status with the hurricane machine?

Well, so far we haven't heard anything as far as I know.

You want to talk to your member of management?

Well, because we're closing the store.

We're closing the store.

The storm, it's a Category 5 now, and it's coming straight for the new track.

It's coming straight for you.

To the radar technician?

Yeah, radar technician.

oh my god yeah i didn't know that but let me it's coming you're 138 mile per hour winds in laredo

texas oh my god in and in 60 minutes oh that's about the time i'm getting out uh you're not

getting out and no one can leave now you have we have to go on lockdown lockdown yeah emergency

lockdown begin procedure let me transfer you to member of management can you hold okay thank you

thank you

committing a crime here

and

she's gonna start the rumor mill

right now

you can always abort

the Latinas

are right she's like I got to tell Conchita

and she's gonna call the deli

and say oh my god they say it's coming

down the bottom showing

some awesome fucking barbecue

pictures

he wishes he could

join in but no he can't

he can't no he can't no i'm sorry he's at it he's at it invite him i did i did i put him in here

but he's with his daughter he has a daughter he got he got he got a girl pregnant dude he's got

a lovely fucking lady friend too those eyebrow yeah and whenever fucking brobs like the caterpillars

tickling their bellies jesus christ he's got the mayor of eyebrows man listen we got some

breaking news here let's go ahead and listen to that okay while we wait here for the manager

or who's not going to believe at all.

Chad, we're going to let you go and get all your information.

Yeah, Chad.

We're covering this thing live for you.

This Category 4 hurricane, along with Chad Myers and the rest of the CNN staff.

Thank you.

Our thanks to Martin.

Yeah, hello?

Hello?

Yes, hi.

I'm with the corporate office.

I'm in the network audit center, the NOC.

How are you?

Hello?

What the fuck?

Oh, no.

You know what?

I had it on mute.

I've got to quit muting like that because I forget to take it off.

Easy peasy Japanese.

Thank you for calling your local Walmart.

Easy peasy.

I look forward to the opportunity to serve you in our store.

That sounds like him, doesn't it?

For pharmacy, press 1.

Yeah, you think that's the guy?

For electronics, press 2.

He's like, I'm not just the fucking management, I'm also the voice actor.

President, thank you at Real Donald Trump for seeing.

Thank you for calling Walmart.

How may I direct your call?

Hi, I was talking to the manager and I got cut off.

Can you put him back on?

John, I'm with Network Outage Center, Corporate Office, emergency, closing the store.

Close, close the store, hurry.

One moment, please.

A hurricane is coming.

Oh, it's making landfall now.

I wonder who's picking up.

Hello?

Thank you for calling Walmart.

Yes.

Yes, hi.

My name is Cross.

I'm with the Network Outage Center in Bentonville.

How are you, sir?

All right, sir.

Okay, everything okay?

We're holding it down okay?

Situation is nominal?

Yes.

Okay, have you had any problems with the POS transactions at all?

We're starting to see that go down.

Hold on, let me get with the CSS.

Hold on.

Okay, all right.

Most of everything is working fine.

Okay, all right.

Well, unfortunately, there's been a new updated track to the storm.

It's making landfall now.

It's upgraded to Category 5, and it's coming straight for Laredo.

Okay.

We're expecting hurricane-force conditions in 62 minutes, 38 seconds at your location.

Okay.

So at this time, we want to go ahead and begin Operation Maneuver 12.

uh can you uh get me a conference call here as mandated by the book i need a conference call

with all your mods please okay hold up all right can you come to the office i need to make sure

you have uh the entrance

i figured he doesn't buy it had you got those numbers there big guy for um what is it roommates

mates all right good answer probably porking his wife just in my email i don't have them like i

don't have a list or anything oh well yeah i mean can you maybe shoot me a few you said you had the

numbers look i'm just i'm just responding to what you all right every time you say those numbers i

always throw out an ad so then there's a number there call the number oh so you're giving me the

numbers when i ask because i don't look i just keep what happened okay oh did you really scare

heard him did i skirt him palindrome i'm just reading chat palindrome make it in now he left

why palindrome scared oh he doesn't handle the heat he doesn't want to have anything to do it's

getting late for him it's a school night up since 3 45 in the morning you're like school

it's a saturday tomorrow for mr yeah he has saturday school no he has saturday school

i got archery school tomorrow guys how about that yeah archery school get out of town yeah really

does ken do archery no are you really doing archery yeah i'm doing some archery yeah first

start i hear rogan talk about it all the time it's a noble sport is it your first one or well

jen's been talking to me about it for like years like i should really get into it it's relaxing

it's meditative and all this you clear your mind you're one because you're just doing one thing

yeah well he's in the olympics i mean it's well he was he really fucked up he's on the team he

He coaches now. He's too old.

What?

You're saying Jim is an Olympics?

For real?

Yeah, dude.

The London one was the last one he did.

He was in the one before that, too.

He was in Beijing.

That's hilarious.

He's like, I thought nobody

that was involved in prank calls

was successful at all.

No, not at all.

I knew he was something

because he was hell-bent on it.

We lost everything. I lost the Skype. It was weird. I have no idea what happened with the phone.

Hello? Hello? Yes? Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.

Hello? I've got to get to the mute. Hello? Yes? Hi, I'm calling from the Network Outage Center. Hello?

Yes, sir. We're hearing you.

Okay, good. All right, so the current situation is that storm is going to be hitting in 58 minutes, 42 seconds.

We're expecting 132 mile-per-hour sustained winds.

So in that case, we want to go ahead and begin Operational Procedure 12.

for immediate shutdown and hunker down.

Can you please go to your captain's box,

and I need you to retrieve page 12B.

That's B for boy.

And I need you to break open your authentication card,

and we'll start with the authentication procedure.

Do you need me to ask the casing procedure?

Do I need to be in a station where the fire alarm is?

No, no fire alarm is needed.

No, we just need to shut down.

uh you know just uh we can't allow any more customers in and can't allow any more anyone

out no one in or out of the building right now um you're authorized to bribe them with any food or

drink refreshments that you may have please ask and please ask that they remain in the interior

section of the store preferably in the uh in the clothing sections it's the safest area to be in

right now okay all right uh kenneth do you have a tally on the amount of water uh gallon water

that you have right now available have we gone down in stock are you guys okay your computer

is not reporting back to us we have um we have still on the shelf store but we don't have

pallet worth of gallon okay all right all right all right so go ahead let's let's go ahead and

get that started we want to make sure just anyone who comes in explain please the store is closed

Sir, real quick, I have a couple of questions.

I apologize.

I've never been through this process before.

Page one.

So what is that, page one?

One, two, B.

You need to go to page 1-2, section B, that has Operation Procedure 12 regarding storm.

It's called the storm section.

You're going to have a series of cards in plastic.

You need to break open the plastic.

You're going to see a five-digit letter code, and we're going to authenticate that.

I'm going to print mine here when you're ready.

Where is that located, sir, in the store?

I apologize.

It should be in the command box.

The command box?

And the command box, where should it be located?

Usually in the manager's office.

Okay.

Okay, we're trying to get our store manager because the office is a bit closed.

Okay, all right.

I mean, customers are a lot of shops, so we just want to make sure that no one is really entering or leaving

because the storm is coming.

The storm is coming.

Okay.

So we close the doors.

Yeah, close doors.

Yeah, that's enough now.

No more.

Okay.

Yeah.

And your name, sir?

My name is Cross.

Cross.

Okay.

Cross Lopez.

Okay.

And what's your company name?

Well, I'm in the Network Outage Center, Network Outage Control, the NOC, in Bentonville,

the corporate office, Walmart.

Yeah, Outage Center.

I'm with Walmart.

Okay.

Are you going to be here on hold?

Yeah, I can hold. Just report back to me once that's done, and we'll move to page two.

Okay, hold on.

All right. Find the command box.

We're going to look for it, okay?

You got it, buddy. Thank you.

Thank you.

We're back now live with the breaking news.

Look at that. That is Corpus Christi.

Very windy. Corpus Christi, Texas.

Francis, as this Category 4 hurricane is about to make landfall sometime in the coming hours.

The storm bears down on the Texas coast tonight.

A different kind of storm hitting the political world, though.

President Trump's advisor, Sebastian Gorka, is out.

The president pardoning controversial sheriff, Joe Arpaio, of his conviction for criminal contempt.

Yes.

Time to bring in...

Free Arpaio.

I'm trying to call the boys, the guys back, and it's not working.

I don't understand. I don't understand.

Hey, buddy.

So I don't want to do a show anymore because it's not working right now. You got to help me figure out who was in here

Okay, it was mom. It's mom seven jack

Yeah, let me they're still like chatting over in this. So let me just look at this

Um, let me look at one of these older things

Now let's see

Hey, buddy, I think I got this fixed now. Thank you for your patience

um can i add uh hey yeah we need to add more yeah add whoever we're trying to remember

okay okay yeah yeah help me out add everyone you got a mr days it was like for a while i was we

haven't got jack um i don't got uh i was listening it was just me and you carly up for a minute i

was listening to it and then uh yeah yeah i kept it was just dropped um right now i don't know if

If you guys followed, what happened, but they are...

I turd as much as I could.

They're in the process of closing down the doors.

I heard about that they have a lot of water on the shelves, but they don't know pallets, so that's right.

That's not good.

Temperature's rising, and it's not surprising.

Temperature's rising.

What's up?

So I have to go. You have to go and masturbate.

oh okay yeah cool who else did we have i'll tell you what that is it is quite an impressive eye

wall that's being that's hitting there i'm gonna say that's a well-organized did you get clay

already um mob seven xyz aspa i'm here i'm looking i'm just looking in

i'm here um yeah she had i don't i know there were more cats in here um

um they're maybe they're just not picking up this isn't really going well i don't know man this is

let's just leave it at hey they're gonna try to close the doors

yeah yeah all right good deal um who did i say might be on the call

and now that's we're talking about olympic shit

yeah we're talking about the fact that jim stewart is an olympian yes that's true

it's true story

pretty rad

I hear they party

at those Olympic

villages like crazy

yeah he fucked a lot

he fucked a lot

yeah dude

yeah

well then

but the thing with

Jin is that

he lives in London

and the London

2012 Olympics

happened

they're in his

back

they're a home

crowd

and he's like

from London

he didn't have

to stay in the

village

he got to walk

to the event

you know

and he shot

the arrow

into the wrong

target

and got disqualified

I mean he went

Once you do that in archery, that's done.

That's it.

You shot him the wrong target?

Yeah.

Somebody else's?

Yeah.

It was not the one that was set up for him.

I don't know if it was someone else's.

Oh, man.

He's so...

He's not a bitch.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah.

He was all upset for a few months there.

He wouldn't talk to anybody.

I was going to say, that would be a fucking while of drinking.

Sitting alone, right?

Is it just me and you again?

Because the other call is calling me now.

No, no.

I don't know, Asp is in there, Dayz is, Jihad's in there, like, I don't know, they're here.

This is crazy.

Look, they're here, right?

I see them.

Skype is one of the few positive products that Microsoft has, and they just don't get

it right.

It's just like everything else, you know?

It used to be fewer memorable with Skype when it really was peer-to-peer.

yeah yeah when it was when it was a european or east european company you know back i heard that

skype stands for like something something peer-to-peer like that's what it's set up for

yeah yeah but they did away with that completely um i thought it was better to do deal away with

that because dude like and skype still is kind of kind of leaky like i used to get mine like i'd

be on the air and i would get ddos based on the fact that someone an enemy of the state

had me on skype you know yeah i guess that i just thought we had a lot more hot-headed

enemies in the state

but now they've been like i like the phrase

Hey, Zach, you on still sleepyhead?

Ah, sleepy suit.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

What do you think about that crate?

Someone else is trying to call.

I think it's Dom.

Let me answer and see.

Give me a second.

Did I lose you guys?

What?

Shit.

Hello?

get me all wrong we all in those in the fold of those no no no whoever from the group is trying

to call the new group don't call i mean trying to call me don't because you're calling the group

directly and it's screwing things up now i lost the new group shit now i'm calling the old group

oh my god it's an abortion this is terrible i gotta rebuild it again are you serious jesus

Jesus Christ.

I'm just going to go to sleep.

This is fucking bullshit.

See if I can call Poop Times.

I have to call him first because he has the janky stuff.

All right, Poop Time, are you there?

Yeah, I'm here.

There's someone in the old one.

I need to jump right in.

There's someone who's calling the old one again.

Whenever that happens, it completely knocks this one off.

Oh, hey, let's remove yourself from all those things.

Like, leave, leave, conversation.

yeah that'll solve them we'll break it okay i think it could help can you add expo expo seems

to be yeah i'll i'll do i'll do all that let me leave all those conversations yeah right right

i don't think i have aspa hey i already said ak right ak yeah yeah yeah

um oh now i'm hosting though oh that doesn't that doesn't matter doesn't matter not my short

sir not my my short not my short we're listening to short too short okay i'm echoing yeah yeah you

understand you understand why am i going now you're echoing now yeah i'll begin an adjustment

maybe that'll help

and take a vacation you see i got all my game from the streets of california

oh no oh hello

um i'm thinking maybe and you have certainly damage potential a lot of damage potential

with the kind of water and the water pileup that we're seeing as well so

You know, tough to see these things at night unfold.

Sometimes you have to wait.

You know, sometimes the storm...

What's so tough about it?

It's nature.

Oh, it's tough to see a storm.

It's raining.

I'm going to go hide in bed from the storm.

All right, buddy guy.

Bye.

See you.

Don't be scared of the hurricane.

Wait, what I was asking you is what do you think...

Jesus, I was asked about the new online UK hate crime laws.

Is that going to be, like, a big issue?

because like they can arrest you for like anything yeah uh wow dude i'm looking at these

rain forecasts that's insane right now we got a category for 130 mile per hour winds

uh i guess is that sustained 130 or regusting i don't know they're not anyway cat four hey

currently 30 miles east northeast of corpus christi which means body of christ texas

Matt's not about that because he's an atheist.

Yes, how are you doing there?

Expos here.

God, thank God.

I've been out of, what is it?

What's the other thing?

The, like, other thing.

Corpus Christi.

Back.

And the rainfall, too, is unrelenting.

That's something.

What's the other, like, Padre Island?

The other, like, town.

San Pedro?

San Pedro.

Sao Padre.

No, it's Brazil.

Padre Island.

Okay, sure.

Yeah, yeah.

It's one of the islands out there.

No, it's not. It's just the coast.

Oh, come on.

Who else was in here?

I have your

list.

I'm going to have to go soon.

Okay, tell you what.

Send me a direct

message on Skype. Could you do that, sir?

Yes.

Let's take a listen to this real quick while I find a hotel to call.

Hotels up the way

are going to be booked as people

people evacuated that is an option here that we can do hey see see i was thinking i knew i'd think

of something on the west coast of florida but uh there's there's nothing to stop you to go going

over tonight but it's again a very dangerous night because that wind is coming right across

matagorda bay and right over the bridge and the bridge sits up even higher than where we're

standing here again feeling very safe here at the holiday and express and suites because this

This hotel is pretty much hurricane-proof.

They built it six years ago to withstand something like this, and it's doing a fine job.

This water is surrounding the lower level, but there's nothing on the lower level except some storage rooms.

Where is he at? Where?

The first floor is up about 16 acres.

Oh, I got a city. I got a city.

And the building is concrete, steel, and hardy plank on the lower level.

Boy, this wind is really, I mean, it just keeps slowly edging up and edging up, and the rain just comes in.

But you'll notice on the radar that we're still a good ways from the eastern eyewall.

And it's going to get worse before it gets better as we go on through the overnight hours.

Even the wind impacting Mark Weiss, our photographer, who is doing a bang-up job back here around the side of the building.

Let's get the corporate number here and see if I can message this holiday.

He just fell down.

That one got me in the back.

I was going to say, why don't we take a walk down and give you a little tour?

We've got some time here.

And just show you what we're dealing with as we get around the corner.

Sorry, sir, why don't you turn that down?

Why don't you retweet what, buddy?

He said, why doesn't he rethink his career choices?

Yeah, well, you know.

You ever see that video of the NBC guy during Katrina who walked out past the building?

He was the anchor until he got caught lying.

He took over Tom Brokaw.

What the fuck is that guy's name?

I was watching it this morning.

Franklin?

Brian Williams.

Brian Williams, yeah.

He freaking cartwheeled when he walked in between buildings because of that whole bottleneck effect or whatever.

Yeah, yeah.

Very stupid man, that guy with the whole lying and everything.

But, dude, I woke up today around 4 in the morning, and I turned on MSNBC, and I guess that's where they stuck him.

That's his show.

it's called 12th hour and like that's what happens when you get kicked off yeah dude like even that

kind of job still kind of a cush job though he's making money still well he's under contract so

that's the thing they're like well if we can't break this motherfucker's contract but we can't

you know he can't anchor the night news anymore well at least we're gonna make the motherfucker

work he's probably happy to be on tv period right now yeah i would right now i have a whole hell of

a lot of other skills i've always dug like night shifts in case yeah because nobody's around

i always dug yeah i did when i worked night shift for a year it took a big toll on my health

but man was it fun i would go in i would sleep you know

the gum fatter guy worked like that third shift for like a year or so and like it's so cool like

going to the bar at seven in the morning that's so dope

bars open at seven in the morning in chicago well bars open at seven in illinois is like

the late swiss dive bars called full place called cap is liquors on archer and western

check them out you guys we're calling the hotel that this guy is at let's see if we can get through

are stuck here for some reason so far we don't see any uh damage uh visually around here there

was also a situation where they don't have anything that can really be ripped there we're

not getting any answer there motherfucker strange life show sending me funny poop pictures it's nice

it's nice to know i'm not the only one that takes pictures of my poop all right okay did jayad leave

yes he did but he sent me the numbers we've got a pet friendly bedroom and we're moving off on the

the hurricane thing because it's very hard to get through to people there unfortunately they're

taking it very seriously which is good which is good jim cantori is out there right now he's a

fucking dickhead i don't like that jim cantori i think he's just whipping him up in the bullshit

pet friendly bedroom and second living area for rent 410 a month we're renting out a pet

friendly bedroom in a pretty large second living room area to the right person also includes your

Your own private bathroom, shared kitchen, shared large black deck, shared lawn.

This is a nice place.

What are you going to do with Frank?

Look at Cobra going hard.

Cobra?

Where's Cobra?

Cobra saying something?

He doesn't want to do Frank's work?

I'm thinking of the chat.

I guess the last thing was, do you use Frank?

Question mark.

True.

It's easy to get out.

Yeah, it is.

This show's been a blast.

rockstar your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice oh my god so you think you

think they uh they aids poison them there's this conspiracy that he was how great is it

it is kind of weird how he did come down with his shit so fast it is dude a lot of shit weird man

and the one girl he was dating and fucking all the time with no shit

your call has been forwarded and he was so positive it seems like talking shit about the

man will get you fucking dead and he wasn't gay well his mistake was probably that he went to

dinner with the white at the white house you know yeah i think that's where he made an uh enemy

in the cia if you know what i mean yeah yeah it's some rice and poison or something maybe

polonium like yeah just who knows it's just weird it's weird it's weird i love i love watching like

black conspiracy tales and shit so we'll go we can go further do you think that magic johnson

got the injection or maybe you think he got the fixed injection yeah because his wife didn't have

it like like yeah like money or do you think he has something now like any idea how he weighs

so much still?

Big guy still

fucking strong as an ox?

He's got the AIDS?

I mean, I'm saying

if you got it now,

you might end up all right.

But, I mean, back then,

what do you mean?

What do you mean, he says?

It should have been a toothpick.

You get shot up

with old period AIDS or something.

Your call has been forwarded

to an automatic...

You know, I recently found out

that Jim J. Bullock,

Jim J. Bullock,

is HIV positive, apparently.

Rock on.

I don't know who that is.

I bet Magic Johnson

uses steroids a ton

just to shape like that.

Just to stay ahead of it.

Yeah, I bet, man.

That's what all the ballplayers do.

That's why they get busted

because they get injured

and they try to come back, you know?

I bet he does that shit, you know?

Isn't there a bodybuilder

that just got...

died or is in a coma now

and they found a whole shit ton

of fucking drugs and shit

in his house?

Bodybuilding, whatever,

every performance or answer did i lose you guys again every time someone calls me the conference

and that's not fair and it's not anyone's fault you guys there hey yo what's up hey did we get

everyone back yet i think so um harley do you want me to explain the aids thing yeah explain

aids to me please how does it work okay so aids aids is not the disease that you catch right you

catch hiv right right right and then you have hiv for a while and basically over over time it

kills off your immune system and your immune system's ability to fight disease yeah because

it's not it's not the aids that kills you so much as the pneumonia that you get that normally

wouldn't really phase you right well yeah yeah you usually die from complications that's what

what they call it and it's and it's just like once your t-cell count is super low or your white

blood cell count as well like you you get you can get like a cold or a virus and yeah because it

just keeps getting worse and worse and um so what what they use to treat aids is it's called

antiretroviral medications okay because it's very hard to kill a virus because a virus um like hiv

it doesn't reproduce in the same way like a bacteria does and so you have to

target specific parts of the life cycle of the organism in order to kill it it's

kind of like treating fungal infections you know it's difficult but they give

these medications that prevent the HIV from multiplying and so if you catch it

really early and you take a bunch of different antiretroviral virals because

Because HIV will actually evolve in the patient to become resistant to antiretrovirals just within the lifespan.

Because when they catch HIV, it's not drug-resistant yet.

Yeah, that's the weird thing about it.

It develops resistance in one host, even.

It's super adaptive.

That's crazy.

And it's really interesting, too, because you don't see people catching HIV that's already drug-resistant.

and people actually don't really know why that is because it's just not um yeah i don't know

i guess the probably the evolved version like when during evolution there's like trade-offs

you know so if it becomes drug resistant maybe the hiv is less transmissible because it you know

can't get it you know into as easily i don't know what the answer that is but so magic johnson had

was basically funding um hiv research with his money and they were giving him these cocktails

of basically like every anti-retroviral drug that they knew they that they could get and so he was

just i mean he was just pouring you know all this stuff into it and he was getting this crazy

cocktail and the result of it was he if he took a test for hiv now he would come out negative

because there's it's undetectable right now yeah yeah and they're and they're getting they're

getting really good at that now but they what i've been seeing a lot lately is like they'll

have a procedure like i know there's a bone marrow transplant plant procedure there is something

where they basically completely destroy your but there's it's a it's a cancer treatment i think

right and what they found is hiv positive people that got this cancer treatment it pretty much

much was cured but now they're starting to see it comes back but it's really slow again you know

am i am i am i on base there am i wrong i know they're they're getting it seems like they're

getting closer to figuring this out the cocktail thing around 97 that became they're like hey well

we can get it livable now with this cocktail thing i wonder if that's because of the michael

jordan michael michael jordan uh the magic johnson thing i wonder well it's just it's very expensive

to produce i mean those drugs are like pretty cutting edge and very difficult to produce

you know in a pharmaceutical setting but now it's getting easier because you know it's becoming more

of a thing and nowadays if you get hiv and you catch it before you it becomes aids you will like

survive like for sure like the the treatments that they have now are like so good that if you're

like a healthy adult when you get it white and you catch it before i mean i mean of any race

if you catch it before it's it um becomes aids you can live your whole life with it and you can

actually you know get your levels down like magic johnson to where you won't even test positive for

it but if you start taking the anti-retrovirals and you have any trace of it left in your body

it can just start multiplying again because it it doesn't it's not like bacteria where

you know it it relies on its own mechanisms and feeding to like grow it it just hijacks your

your own cells and so but then it hides it hides for a long it just high it chills on the cut for

a while and then all of a sudden something just like all right time to fucking invade

you know yeah yeah yeah that's some crazy it's a really interesting drug do you think it's

It's weaponized. Do you think it was a weaponized thing, or do you think it really just came from...

I don't know. I don't know enough about that to say. I don't think so.

Where do we know? Where do they believe?

Because I heard recently that Patient Zero that they used to talk about wasn't really Patient Zero.

The homosexual flight attendant that had it but wasn't dying of it, I guess, but was giving it to everybody?

Was that the deal?

Yeah, something like that.

i don't remember the story very well it and it was kind of like polluted like it and i think that

that's part of what feeds the conspiracy theories so much is the story sounds ludicrous it sounds

like something that you know it sounds like the plot of a fucking so lost you are you there hello

hello sir oh oh shit oh shit now i'm gonna never know damn i was at the edge of my seat with that

one jade's got them guys yeah they shut them down all right i got it you guys gotta do me a favor

all right so matt's version of skype and this and that with the conferencing he's trying to call

back and if i don't connect the back he's gonna be mad so i'm gonna need to rebuild it one last

time i think i figured out why i was doing that so if you gentlemen i'm gonna kindly disconnect

here and we're gonna try this one more time and maybe do another 30 minutes pranks uh of some

pranks because tonight really hasn't been a prank night we'll we'll figure it out don't go ahead

Yeah, because I'm on the newer version, and that fucks his version up.

All right.

Bob, hang on.

Stand by, sir.

I'm calling you back.

All right.

Here we go.

Calling.

Calling Skype.

Uh-oh.

I think I did his phone number.

Hello?

Oh, my goodness.

All right.

Yeah, I know you get all antsy.

The problem is...

No, I just worry about you.

I worried that you were getting frustrated.

Oh, no.

No, the thing...

Bob was...

He actually was relaying a good story about the history of the AIDS.

so i i didn't want to interrupt him because i was you know you know you don't want to stop a good

story sometime my bad oh all right so who do i i think this is the last time i gotta add peeps

let me get some good music going here okay i'm gonna end the let me

so who we got we had who do we have we got all right bust uh not busted

okay you want me to okay because i'm doing it all right so bob vance uh but it's robert

all right yeah we got uh let me know when you want the next start with them all right all right

and then bob seven yeah yeah we got xyz we're in a spot all right uh axba and palindrome we're

connected that's i like this kind of music yeah it's good i think we're gonna i think we're just

gonna take a break and try to all right let me just take a break if uh anyone who needs to join

call now now we should be okay call me or let britain matt know or let axel or palinger over

x was here one of these guys who else was strange life in there no strange life is not

you want to let strange life come hang out with us i don't really know strange life i don't know

is you know he's a good egg yeah all right put him in put him in yeah yeah drop him in

you're moving up oh down the bomb screen now is he done with his barbecue well if he hasn't put

him in who has a barbecue to sit anyway jesus christ well they're in la or cali not la so it's

kind of late man you get a lot of mosquitoes and stuff like that dude they don't have mosquitoes

i'm sure you do and you don't have mosquitoes in california they don't they do no that's like

Like, us, like, Midwest swampy people that just are, like...

East of the Rockies.

Yeah, I think so.

I don't know.

No, because, like, there's Arizona.

Or not Arizona.

I don't think the desert has any mosquitoes there.

Because Indians can't even walk there.

I go up in Michigan, and I'm just, like, driving through fucking snow.

Who else?

Anybody think I've said it?

Oh, you guys.

X, Y, Z, and L.

You guys remember whoever?

I'm getting a lot of no answers from you.

I'm sorry?

I couldn't hear you on the music.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm like, it's fucking music.

I'm going to get like Bob Vance, Got No Dancer.

Maybe it's because I couldn't.

I'm on the shitty old Skype, too.

So any of these people.

I tried to win 10-1, and I couldn't open it.

So you get 7-1.

Alpha.

China is really bad.

This is La La Madrid right here.

Baz, let's take a look at this song.

I'm just going to take that break, all right?

I'm going to take that break.

and we're going to reconvene, hopefully recharged.

Hey, if you could turn down the loop for us a bit.

The what?

The music for us.

I'm working on it, I'm working on it, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Who else is it?

Is it loud? It's blasting for you guys?

It's like, yeah, yeah, it's like hard to talk.

All right, give me a second. Hold on, hold on.

Let me do that first so you can tell me.

Okay.

I think I can do that easily.

maybe that's that's better a little bit no all right still not i don't yeah i think if we i

think we keep talking it keeps the survey it'll go down if we talk yeah yeah as long as we're

talking so we can't stop talking well uh whatever man sorry i'm taking that break i'll be right

back and just pray for me that i can pull pull something out of my ass here get some good pranks

because i'm real bummed out right now really angry right now myself i felt it that's why i'm just

trying to do everything to be nice thanks i'm gonna meet you guys i'll be right back i'm gonna

have the other people's area madhouse radio will be back right after this

all right i'm back i'm back hey i'm sorry i'm sorry i said we gotta i i said you know

what can make this party better was alcohol so i'm like fuck what do i make i don't have many

mixers and my alcohol is uh kind of limited right now you know my selection in the bar we just

haven't stocked it in a while so i found some peach schnapps and uh all i had drink wise was

like minimade light lemonade so and then i added a splash of uh some hawaiian punch fruit punch stuff

Uh, it's okay. It'll do. You know what I mean?

Are you guys there? Did I lose this conference again?

Son of a bitch. God damn it.

At some point I lost these cats. Let's call them back. Hello.

Oh my god, you're back. Holy shit, this is amazing.

Dude, I think we got it right now.

Uh, I think we got it for a minute.

Okay.

At least. You know, because I'm on a Windows 10.

It's fucking, I'm pulling my hair out for you too here, buddy.

It took me a little while because I was like, I need to get drunk to get this to work right.

and um yeah i was saying all i all i could find all of of the limited supply of my bar right now

because we haven't stocked in a while we've just been lazy was uh some 99 peaches peach snobs

why did it why did it just it's disconnected me where mob 7 left it said mob 7 left and

disconnected me though mob 7 you're you're causing problems mob 7 i think it's you

no way i'm still here okay yeah but it's so strange it said mob 7 left and disconnected

connect to me, and then it's a joint call.

Whatever.

So what did you get?

Some schnappers?

Come on, sir.

We got landfall with 130 miles per hour.

It just occurred right now.

Hurricane Harvey finally making landfall,

moving at 8 miles per hour still.

And what's it?

They killed none?

Sounds like some TV show drama back there.

So I hope you gentlemen are back.

I hope this lasts for a while.

Again, if anyone needs to be added in,

can be added in, that's fine.

um davi's little fucking cat he's a motherfucker man he purposely tripped me i think so that so

that the parmesan cheese would fall on the ground he's having a good old time eating parm off the

ground right now he's a little motherfucker he loves that cheese though he loves that

cats do love cheese i'm like a dark stranger

there we go and like i know it's rough dude the way i edit the shows like i'm not like

Like, Hillock style.

I was like, fuck it.

Put it out there.

Put my dick in balls.

You know where I live.

Suck my dick.

I don't give a fuck.

I can't do that.

Zax edits them, but I would just put them right out.

Because Zax is like, he's not Matt Hillock.

He's Zax.

You know, he's Psychic Zax.

Boss, I'll fucking help you edit your shows for free, man.

You don't have to pay me anything.

Hey, I got some help from Olga and AXPA, and I appreciate it.

I could probably use some more help.

Yeah, they got burnt out quick.

way olga was having fun doing it but she was i was i was like i kept saying like i know it burns

you out she's like yeah it's good i said i said listen to your showreel the unedited stuff for

the long hours on end i'll get it great thanks i don't care man all right i'll get with you

that's cool yeah let me know you know yeah yeah um one at a time because like i said i want yeah

um right now there are like five or six that are edited out of 10 that this would be if i even

even edit this one because it's been no it's not you guys it's me the calls haven't been going down

um it's been shitty so this one probably won't make the podcast but i'm saying i'm behind like

10 shows that's why i i don't want to do so many shows like i used to because i'm like i'm fucking

behind i'm just making this whole worse you know what i mean yeah oh yeah you can't get you can't

get up to the editing as you can keep doing so many exactly so i've got a plan to like try to

the social media marketing

of the show and getting mad

just get a fake name man and just start

throwing caution to the wind

just throw it out un-updated

or un-edited

I keep wanting to get back into the game a little more

full time but I'm like I gotta

I gotta catch up the podcast first

before I do that so that I can

monetize

a little bit you know

Patreon here and there

I think I was asking you

what are the numbers on party time

downloads i'd have to find out what happened last time didn't it wasn't it broken the last time yeah

you you needed to like put some plug-in in to see it yeah um something but you said you engaged it

at that time so we had a lot of i think we had i'm not i'm not trying to get any money out but

i'm just curious you just want to know people are listening yeah i'm sure it's no less than

what it's been before but i'll we'll do that remind me over the weekend man weekend's good

for me and i got a vacation coming up i'm super excited evil arty and puerto rico whoa white people

black people whoa kind of excited you sure that was you sure that was palindrome or somebody else

that guy's super loyal to you like he defends the shit out of you everywhere palindrome yeah man he

defends the shit out of you everywhere when people like say anything fucking rude or bullshit he

He fucking kicks them and stuff from the Discord bot.

I mean, that doesn't sound like Palindrome.

I don't know.

He doesn't have to do that.

That's embarrassing.

Not embarrassing, but I really appreciate that.

Well, it's not like that.

Like, oh, he can't say anything mean.

He doesn't tolerate people, nothing anti-PCN crap in the Discord.

He fucking kicks them or warns them or whatever.

Well, yeah, Palindrome is a really cool dude.

I got a lot of love for Palindrome.

There's a nice little niche of us, like kind of a cluster group.

Me, Dwight, not me, more Dwight, Axel Palindrome, we kind of do stuff off-air.

A lot of pranks that no one ever gets to hear that are so fucking funny.

Oh my god, man, so much fucking shit.

A lot of that hood rat shit, too, that you can't really do publicly.

We wouldn't do publicly.

Some other entities out there wouldn't have a problem doing that, and I'm talking above Matt Hillock level stuff.

the fuck i don't i don't like to do anything particularly shitty at all you know it's just

the fact that i say a little more you're a little more than the average pcn show was you're more of

a you know what i mean we kind of let you skirt the law a little bit yeah we're like yeah he gets

to say he gets to say name all he wants oh but i don't really even want to i just like i just know

when it makes you feel that uh i try to like i try to make friends on party time like some theme

song calling people i'm on skype making friends or calling people up and bothering them is dom

out here dom isn't on here dude he's he's working on a he's gonna work on a little intro for the

podcast for me which i'm kind of excited that he's fucking good he was like we were on some

show the other day and he's like rapping the motherfuckers and like winning them over i really

like that yeah well cool that's good on palindrome so last time where we're talking bob vance where

as they called it in the 80s, the early 90s.

They called it the gay cancer in the early 80s.

Right.

And if, Bob, are you still around?

Can you still, can I ask you another question about the AIDS?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm here.

All right, all right.

So, do they suspect it started in Haiti now?

Because what's the current, do you know at all what the current going theory is

of where this motherfucking monster came from?

He's pretty smart, by the way.

He is.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know.

Well, I mean, I heard that, personally, I think the AIDS virus is manufactured.

I think that they started that out somewhere in Africa.

Right.

That's why I read that, too, that they introduced it.

Yeah, population control.

That's what I heard.

Yeah, because that's where it seems to be most lethal out there.

And it's kind of, you know.

Well, yeah, I mean, everybody's, you know, breeding and having kids and uncontrolled and shit.

I would say Africa has enough space that there doesn't need to be population control.

i think the arid climate does enough of that the truth about africa is if they they were able to

get their shit together as a continent they would have way more resources than oh yeah you know they

would be in a position as far as fuel nuclear fuel petroleum diamonds i saw this video the other day

where these guys were talking about like the whole we was king thing and uh they were saying

and they're like the main reason why after the african empire spell back in like the 17th 18th

century or some shit was that uh there was no european monetary assistance like uh how europe

is rebuilt every time a major war has happened right and it kind of makes sense you know like

couldn't go on no yeah sorry my earpiece is dying so i'm not the shade over but yeah i mean they

got a lot of resources there's no reason they shouldn't be successful they just need a fucking

need fucking help you know they had a renaissance period there where they kicked the belgians out

and the french and the german you know what i mean all those yeah the empire building though

the republics rose out of that but they just can't get along with each other they're just so

it's ignorance i'm sorry i don't mean to be mean but come on man yeah yeah yeah you know and that's

what the supremacists say all the time those niggers never blame me a black country that's

ever been prosperous

you know

it's a fucking power vacuum that's the problem

everybody's trying to fucking

motherfuckers need to

just be cool

if they would just be cool yo

so you can just get along

for real

they got their shit together dude like Africans

they'd have so many natural resources

and then a breeding rate at the

rate that they do they could rival

they could be rivaling the Chinese

easily by it

oh yeah dude that's the thing china is in africa now china's really big in africa construction

projects and getting cozy and deals and stuff like that because you're like there's money in

them and then they're african hills and jungles man there's gold in them it really is i'm happy

with my disability money that's awesome all right we got some cool jazz going here we're

We're going to restart the synth wave that I was playing here.

I like that.

That sounded like that was my way.

This one's slow down my way.

It's called.

It might have been.

They do a lot of those.

They're playing a Beatles one before the show started on that channel that I listen to.

I like this show.

This one's called Palm Trees and Concrete.

I like it.

Even with all the technical issues.

The callers just keep going up, my friend.

Sorry, guys.

The callers don't listen.

Listeners, yeah. Guys, I'm trying

and I'm bullshitting a lot. I'm just getting my

alcohol in me right now. It's starting to settle.

I'm feeling a little hee-hee.

And maybe I'll be funny now.

Maybe, most importantly, is that people

will pick up.

So if any of you have the ability

to get numbers off of Craigslist,

you know, because I'm in the middle

of doing the show, if you can find them

in the Galveston-y,

Houston-y, Hurricane Impact

area, because maybe those people

answer their cell phones i would greatly appreciate it um anyone listening or who's

involved in the call or if the hurricane is happening to be listening at the now

just give us a ring yeah yeah or any of the newer researchers listen what's going on and

give us some ideas who we can prank neighbor um here's a uk number from mr new new owl son of an

your international call cannot be completed as

okay something with me i'm now i'm drunk i don't remember how to dial

yeah hey what do you think's gonna happen with uh with zax i was trying to ask him with the new

hate crime laws in the uk like online hate crime calls or laws so i can get arrested for

fucking with people and shit i wonder if you hear new news gonna get like if we're not gonna be able

to call new members well new news always he's always really anti the racist stuff because he's

told me like hey he doesn't like it when i use the n word he told me the reactions from the 7-elevens

were chuckly um it's like i think they uh i think they were they they had a heads up yeah they did

Because, like I said, the second you start saying shit, they heard the broads giggling when you said Southland Corporate.

But that always happens to me with these corporate calls.

I can't do it.

That's why I usually pass them off to Dwight or to Brad in situations.

Oh, why?

You don't feel like you could be a manager because you're a minority in this country?

Yeah, it never goes down.

I feel the same way.

The Carlito voice is usually like, I try to sound drunk, whether I'm not, I am or not.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm pretty, I'm like, I just do like the, hey, how you doing?

I can like just bully my way through places with the, how you doing, and this and that.

Not bully, but just like a nice, like weird, like blue collar dude.

Por favor, deje su mensaje para...

Get out of here.

Build a wall.

oh the ad was in spanish that's funny mob caballo freezing

hi brother

We got a power generator in Corpus Christi.

I bet you they're jacking the price up on that.

That's about $6,000.

Power generator.

How much you got?

Rizzo, I'll buy and spend $700 on four ball tires.

Oh, you got a power generator.

generator hello you have a power generator sir yes oh yeah we're uh we're having a we're having

a hurricane party man we're having such a good time the power just went out do you still have

power yeah i do oh god how are the winds over there where you're at i'm um i'm in colorado

i'm not in corpus christi so what do you how are you going to get me a corpus christi generator

then i'm heading down there tomorrow for what take advantage to try and help people how much

How much do you sell a power generator for?

$3,900

$7,900 for a power generator?

$3,900

Matt, can you check the numbers on that? How much for a power generator?

How many horses is his power generator?

I think, I think he's price gouging.

Yeah, I think you're doing a little...

He sounds like a foreigner in the first place. It makes him a suspect.

Yeah, where are you from? Like, do you...

Okay, then why don't you douchebags go and suck a fucking dick and, uh, and go and find another one?

Why don't you go fuck yourself, you fucking liberal fuck?

price gouger

fucking democrat

how is he helping people if he's gonna charge so much

I'm gonna

I'm gonna help somebody

I think after you got

after him he said $79

trying to help people

by gouging them for the price of a

power generator you motherfucker

he's gonna help out like

I don't know a fucking professional

athlete who lives in the area

or something

Or, like, a company that's driving down to Texas to help you out.

Heading right into the fucking storm.

Yeah, hi, you have a power generator?

Yes.

Are you in Corpus Christi, or are you somewhere else?

Where are you?

We're in Lake Hills, right outside northwest of San Antonio.

So you guys haven't lost power or anything like that, have you?

No, not in this area, we haven't.

How bad is it going to get where you are, honey?

uh my name is cross we're having we were having a hurricane party and then the power went out

there's no lights where are you uh corpus christi oh my goodness yeah uh dang mother nature's

ruining our party yeah we're gonna drive up right now there's water matt where's the water up to now

jesus christ we're in good shape up here we haven't lost power anything we don't even have

have any rain oh we have water it's already up to the doorstep it's starting to probably oh my

goodness yeah but we need to get this party going on we got like cocaine we got some hookers here

we're we had all our new clothes off we were touching each other i mean we get really horny

um in hurricanes and stuff we're hurricane hunters you know we're we are tornado chasers

and hurricane chasers and it's like fuck it you know like we found the hurricane and we checked

You're only going to live once, baby.

Yeah, so we just fuck.

We fuck so much.

The guys fuck the guys.

We play with girls.

Yeah, we're so full of it.

As long as it's having an endurance storm, it's cool, swear.

Yeah, you want to come down?

How much for the dinner?

Pardon me?

We're fucking a cat.

It is not very happy about it.

Those claws are bad news.

You're fucking a cat.

Oh, shit.

All right, fun.

one all right hey hey carlito you should ask if you can bring a baseball bat when you check out

the generator yeah yeah yeah this generator calls can you believe that fucking guy i'm coming down

from colorado tomorrow because he probably bought him for a couple hundred bucks each at home depot

well again hot him on the price i think he said the second time it was 79 that would be a quite

a fair price but there's price i mean here there's price gouging laws i don't think it applies to

a point to people like person to person sales that i guess i don't think it does and it should

because fucking like i know in florida whenever there a hurricane was coming when i lived in

florida one of the first thing the governor would come out and say you know price gouging laws are

in effect all prices are frozen across state of florida or you know what i mean and then they

would also terminate all tolls on all the toll roads you could drive the tolls for free which

Which would piss me off because, motherfucker, here's what would happen to me.

They would get rid of the tolls in the whole state.

So we would get a hurricane hit in South Florida.

I'm in Central Florida.

Nothing was going to happen to us.

But because people are taking the toll roads up north to evacuate.

And a lot of people from other parts of Florida, they'll evacuate to the Orlando area because Orlando is a tourist, big tourist town, obviously.

Disney, Universal, SeaWorld.

So tons of available hotel rooms, right?

That's where you go.

We had the capacity there.

So I could drive to work.

I could commute to work, and I could go for free.

I was like, hell yeah, dude, because it cost me.

I had one toll was $1.50.

The other one was $0.50.

So it was $2 each way, $4 a day in tolls.

When you're making $10-something an hour, it's like, dude, the first half hour of work,

I'm sitting there fucking just paying for the ride to go to work.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean?

like so but i i got pissed off because i had one of those electronic toll things you know

as you could just write yeah like i passed anything they didn't they didn't touch they

didn't turn those off they did oh so you were still getting charged yeah two bucks yeah four

bucks yeah yeah but it was free it was free but they sure as hell didn't turn off the automatic

ones because they said well you're not disconvenienced from having to stop at the toll

oh that's bullshit like fuck that so i would uh take the battery out of it or i learned i could

sit on it like if i sat on it it wouldn't register so i'd be like shoving it up my asshole and shit

like nice yeah and it worked because it beeped really loud when it went off and sometimes it

would beep while i was uh it was in my ass and i would get mad i'm like fuck there was another

dollar i had like all these parking tickets with a work van with one of those because they're just

just cruises everything out and everything and it was great and i'd like try to say it wouldn't

mind but it's the plate and there was like a fulci live sticker and mc chris life's ambition

i'm a pimp on the back sticker they're like come on maddie it's you yeah that's all matt rolls

um dude but did florida have it all hooked up like i could park at the airport you like pay

for parking so i wouldn't even have to stop to pay for like if i would drop off my wife or

my mom or something at the airport which we did you know every once in a while drop mom

when i went you know i wouldn't have to pay for parking and stuff because i just go right through

the way that's kind of slick so like everything's taken care of with the with that one transfer

what was that that was me not the number right yeah that's all um yeah that's kind of slick

yeah yeah it was cool well i mean it's slick and then you get you go there's other signs of

thinking saying that's the 666 and talking about you can't do business without your

or something well they got smart

hey hey you got a generator uh yes sir hey we're at the holiday inn express uh we're staying in a

room uh having like a hurricane party we got a few growls a few guys with a clue we got a clown

that we rented out he's throwing firebombs up in the air he's kind of laying around uh they're

hurricanes you know we're getting like 42 mile an hour winds right now power went out you know

so we're kind of bummed out um wondering about getting that generator over here so we keep the

party going uh it's a little too late bro well i mean how soon do you think you get it out to us

after this all you know clears out i mean what do you mean it's too late it's never too late

if you're in a hotel if you're in a hotel really yeah yeah the power when i later we're having a

sex party what do you mean later i don't talk to hotel people

anyone at hotel you're on a fucking i do not talk to hotel people you must have assumed that

was one of those semi-homeless family people that live in a hotel after the 2008 uh financial

collapse you know like like that poor i'm sure i told you about before but that we used to call

that one shitty hotel they don't even have phones anymore but the guy yeah and yeah it was when new

year's no no this is a real grimy hotel down in florida um but we called the like room 210 like

always hello hello you have a diesel generator hello please i know you heard my cousin speaking

but i need to talk to you about the diesel generator please can you help me i hear you

breathing hello yeah hi you have a diesel generator i sure do oh thank god we just

lost power here at the worst possible time you don't have no idea nothing i can do not right

now so call me back in the morning but why not so i'm not i'm not where the generator is

where's the generator is it up your wife's asshole

I use smart apps.

You motherfucker.

Call me a smart ass.

When did Texans get so sleepy?

Seriously, I thought they were always down to fuck around.

It's the same fucking time as me.

It's 11.02.

There's no reason you should be that sleepy.

Yeah, you should be home.

You have reached the voicemail box of three.

You should just be doing something.

What was I talking about, Carly?

No bleaching.

It doesn't matter.

I didn't see any of it happening.

It was a cute little

pink hole.

She didn't have any

anal standing

going on there?

No.

You didn't see pictures?

Oh, yeah.

Why am I shit?

Well, if she finds out,

you're sending people

nudes of her.

Don't let me take the goddamn pictures.

that we don't want to post them right now i don't know we're there um but i was thinking

i got him i got him i got him i got him guys oh nice for real yeah put him in the show notes um

there's not a face in those like asshole pictures um but i remember like when i was playing tapped

out and like she first came around and it was in the bathroom and like it would just talk homer

would talk every now and again and he said like company's coming time to put on some pants and

she came out like screaming running out like grab my phone like i know you're filming me

dirty fucker just like this game

it just leaves in there to shit wait a minute so she from hearing that she thought you were

filming yeah did you say the same thing to her no but no the phone would talk like the homer

this tap out would say like it would say like company's coming put on some pants

like every 12 hours doesn't it tell you no i think it was when somebody visited your town

i think i'm not sure yeah but that's the thing like i would like on my ipad like it'll just

randomly start the homer will start talking i'll scare the shit out of you sometimes so i think it

it was maybe that too yeah yeah but um but anyways it was just sitting there and it's so funny like

it's so funny that you just suspected like right off the bat like you weirdo you've been stalking

me online for years yeah exactly of course you would probably doing stuff like that but i should

have done more um there are some neat pics put them in the show notes i'm sorry but the person

yet but i'm on facebook with a little black bar over the holes um oh my god are you gonna tag her

in them while you're at it oh no we're not saying um hello every now and again she'll lick it up

and like i'm very dismissive just kind of like what do you want i'm scoring man like very like

matter of facty like thing you just used me for my yeah it's so like i say i wish i would

I thought it was going to go on forever

This is fucking remarkable

You hear me?

Hi, this is Lindsay, please leave a message

Shut up, Lindsay, we'll try you again

You old bitch

So a guy probably bought a pallet full of

And is selling them each

For the price of the cost of the buy all of them

He sells one

Hi, this is Lindsay, please leave a message

And I'll call you back, thank you

Do what now?

Acoustic guitar and corpus

Let's see if this guy will pick up

so this is a guitar if not we'll go there with the baseball break the guitar well at least we

got some pranks going on here i'll release the second half of the show on the podcast there you

downloaded a show like from 2014 so she kept saying if like you're calling you're gonna take

a baseball bat is that what i was gonna bring it to the museums and stuff like that yeah like

i think uh you called like some law firm or something and you told like the like you're

like hey it's big bad john there it was like the receptionist and you and she's like no and

And then you're like, I'm going to come in there with a baseball bat.

She's like, why?

Hey, guys, I have some Whole Foods numbers.

Hello?

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message.

Someone's trying to fool me with the soundboard.

Ain't going to work.

I was on board yesterday.

Rick Harrison from Polystars.

Yes, yes.

How do you want them formatted?

How do I want them formatted?

Plus, no, no, just one in area code.

No plus.

Okay.

No parentheses or anything?

Nope, nope, nope.

shouldn't matter but preferably if you can't that'd be good sometimes it seems to flip a

bitch on me if yeah so rick harrison from pond stars i think i've called his number a few times

before and i think usually it's like uh he goes to voicemail and he says leave me and send me a

text because i don't check my voicemail let's see if this is the same number let's see

fuck him because i got a friend that needs to come down i want him to take a look at this

yeah rick rick hello yeah hello rick rick you sold me a portrait i got a portrait from there sir

are you there hello oh my god hello rick mr harrison please you sold me a portrait i just

want to let you know that this isn't going to work out i'm gonna have i gotta sell it i gotta

clean it i gotta mount it i gotta get it restored you know and i'm gonna have to get one of my

friends down here he knows a lot about these portraits just to kind of give me an idea well

how much it's worth fucking penis you with your fucking coffers left i fucking hate you and i hate

that my wife keeps putting you on the fucking tv on the weekend asshole because i want to watch

fx's snowfall but she's like yeah this was posted and the republicans at work always putting it on

the tv too and i hate that shit fuck you is that him i hope you heard all that because fuck that

sounded like him fuck that guy fuck it yeah i was i sent you some i sent you some whole foods with

With the Amazon acquisition now, they might be able to do some Amazon customer support calls.

Call them up with your tracking number.

Hey, I could do that.

I await your message.

I sent you the message.

Oh, you did?

Well, let me go.

Should I start from the top, then?

Do what?

I guess.

There's only three in Hawaii.

All right.

Probably open.

Here we go.

Whole paycheck.

What was my complaint?

I'm sorry.

What am I complaining about?

You're looking at something.

Whole Foods?

Yeah.

Thank you for calling Whole Foods.

Hey, I need customer service right now.

This needs to get fixed because this is not acceptable.

I am customer service.

How can I help you?

Okay, well, I'm customer.

Okay.

I need service.

Okay.

I purchased something there, and it was supposed to be taken out in three installments, four installments.

The second payment came out for the entire amount of the balance, and it overdrew my bank account.

And that's not acceptable.

We can't have it.

Okay, I'm sorry, I need to, so wait, you purchased groceries?

I purchased something from you, and it was supposed to be in four installments.

How is it four installments? What do you mean four installments?

Because when I went to check out, they said to me, you can pay for this Alexa in four installments.

You know you're talking to Whole Foods, right, or a grocery store?

Yeah, and you know that you folks, your company was bought out by Amazon.

Okay, this is not Amazon, I cannot help but start...

that you got at the Amazon.

They're not picking you up.

You have to call Amazon.

Stop interrupting me when I'm talking, you bitch.

Call me a bitch.

Okay, I'm going to hang up on you.

Bitch.

Call me a bitch.

Cunt.

And you can talk to Amazon.

Cunt.

Dumb bitch.

Can't even hang up the phone.

Some of them get really mad.

Oh, I appreciate the high concept of the company, but it took me a minute.

That's some high concept shit.

Call him back.

Yeah, I will.

That's a completely different person.

This is a completely different person.

I tried to do the whole trick

where you open the beer bottle

against the corner of a desk.

You know what I'm trying to say?

I can do it, but here's the problem.

I did it on my Ikea desk

and now it is all normal.

Thank you, Ikea.

I've definitely ruined

people's countertops doing that, too.

I was going to say to you.

I've ruined pieces of furniture.

It's my first blemish on this

This Ikea desk.

I thought we'd tell her I was staying in Minnesota.

Hey, guys.

I'm going to...

Okay.

Let me on them.

Cheers.

Bye.

Hi, I was supposed to say something, Matt.

What am I supposed to tell her?

Something about Amazon.

Oh, yeah, my Amazon account.

I'm having...

Listen, you guys took out a...

There's supposed to be four installments for Amazon Alexa Echo,

and you guys took it all out in the second payment.

That can't happen.

So you're calling Whole Foods Market at Kahala Mall.

Okay, and I don't know if you're aware because you're stupid, stupid ignorant that you don't know that you're owned by Amazon now.

Hello?

Use your mouth to make noises into the phone that I can translate into language.

Stupid.

So, if you're not aware, Amazon purchases us on Monday.

Today is Friday.

So, I should call back on Monday?

You should call Amazon on Monday.

They said I had to call you guys.

Unfortunately, unable to assist you on any Amazon purchases.

If you bought something from Whole Foods, I'd be happy to assist you.

Let me talk to a stupid visor, because that's what he is.

He must be stupid.

I am a supervisor.

You're a stupid visor?

You know, sir, this is really unnecessary.

I think that you should try calling Amazon.com.

Now I'm a woman, I call the website.

If you go to the website and look up a phone number.

Honey, honey, I don't know if you understand how computers work,

but website is for computer, telephone number is for phone.

How did you become a manager, a supervisor?

Oh my god, whose dick did you suck to get this position?

All of them.

Whatever, they didn't even get medical benefits, they're going to tell me I'm wrong.

I love it.

Oh.

I tried to cut up your face, something strange.

Good evening, how are you?

Sounds busy there.

Somebody needs a nice mop bucket cleaning.

And the host of the Dwight McClanahan Party Hour.

Thank you for calling Whole Foods, this is Pamela speaking.

Hey ignorant, how are you?

Sorry?

Hey, ignorant, how are you?

Listen, you need to stop calling here, man.

No, I don't.

That's your opinion.

I don't think I do until I get this fixed.

All right, we'll leave that suck-a-socation alone.

I heard via cause of mass confusion that you're going to be hiring soon?

Yes, for fleshy holes, particularly.

I would like to be a tester.

No, Jesus Christ, sir.

No, you can't test fleshy holes.

Are you crazy?

Disgusting.

I clean them first, and then we ship them.

You know, Jai had bought me a fleshy hole and a bear to put in.

Aloha.

I may have been really desperate.

If you know your party's extension, you may dial it.

You do have that.

That's what we do when we see a big pussy like that.

Well, Jai had said he wants it when I'm done.

Dude, don't fall for that shit.

That nigga just wants to clone you.

He wants to, but he said he bought it, and he gets it.

He wants, no, he wants to clone you.

Well, he told me he wants the green screen back that he got,

so I said, motherfucker, if you're going to be like that,

then you're getting the fake pussy back.

Good evening, Whole Foods Market.

This is Keisha.

May I help you?

Yeah, hey, Keisha, is that right?

Yes.

Yeah, I was telling my buddy, Jaiad,

that he bought me a green screen, you know,

for, like, to make video productions, you know?

Okay.

You guys were carrying one there,

I guess like an amateur green screen there that you could buy for $50 in the store?

No, we don't sell green screens here.

No, no, it was like a limited time thing that you had there.

No, we don't have any green screens here.

Maybe not in Hawaii, but I mean, listen.

So he was like, I'm buying this for you now, but if he said that if he, when I'm done with it, I have to give it back.

So at the same time, he bought me a teddy bear and a fake vagina to put into the bear.

for a joke video

and I said well I'll tell you what

after I fuck it I'm going to send that back to you

and I cream pied like a gallon

in that thing

it was a lot of work

I was thinking

I didn't know the whole story

they were on the green screen back

I didn't fuck that thing

I think she had a problem with the

monocum that you were shooting

Tristan sent me that

Lady Logger

If you know your party's extension, you may dial it at any time.

No, I couldn't.

I tried.

Use fucking poppers, and you're going to complain about that?

For store hours, press 3.

No, I'm just like, it's just been like, the thing is like a hassle.

It was cool, though.

Please hold while I try that extension.

After all, touching...

Yeah,

Southlake Corporation going.

Whole Foods Customer Service, how can I help you?

Yeah, cream pie?

I'm sorry?

Cream pie. Cream pie?

Cream pie, would you like me to transfer you to the bakery department?

Uh, do they do cream pie there?

Okay, you need to not call back here, please. Thank you.

Oh, come on.

I guess she knows what I mean.

Why are they so upset? If they sell them, I mean...

Hey, man.

My laugh gave it away.

Thank God you're here,

Dwight, because this show has sucked

up until the last

45 minutes.

It's about to suck even more now that I'm here.

No, it's not.

I didn't do nothing.

Welcome to the suck.

All I can offer you

is some profanity-laced comments

to people we call.

It's about all I do, and it's finally working.

So what happened was the first half of the show I spent trying to get people in the hurricane area.

But imagine that.

They're not answering the phones.

But then we started finding some Craigslist ones, and they answer.

Either that.

Most of them were gougers out of state who were coming in with generators tomorrow for $3,900 as one fucking guy.

Can you believe that shit?

That's some bullshit.

Taking advantage of the situation.

Hey Matt congratulations on earning your doctorate

From DeVry

Oh good looking out

Yeah I worked hard on it

13 short weeks huh

That's pretty good

You know whatever

But it's still

It's not the amount of time you study

It's about the amount of knowledge that goes in your head

It was implanted right

Like Johnny Mnemonic

Yeah

Nice reference

It's January, everybody. It's been our best behavior for this call.

Don't ruin this for me.

Oh, hey, I'd like to prescribe numbers of reefer card.

Hello, Kev?

Kev?

Hey, it's Cross. How you doing, buddy?

Cross, it's Cross.

Cross?

Yeah, Cross.

Hey, look, so Howard said when you had that whole following out,

you were on CNN or whatever talking.

Oh, that's Kevin Smith, man.

I wanted to get into the whole thing when...

Oh, get the fuck out of here.

yeah yeah i'm pretty sure that was him too when he heard me say hey howard's it got collect

let's just say but you say what the fuck is the internet what if he's such a dick he goes around

acting like he's so cool with the people but i read that story about how he was with the one

intern on yeah what's the what's the story what's the story you're talking about jane jane bob stark

back i guess he was a real like prick to this one intern he threw chocolate milk at him and was real

abusive i really liked that movie yeah i didn't like it why didn't the intern just fucking punch

him if he was a man dude there's never any job i could be on where a boss could get him and write

a book about it afterwards well i would have drank the chocolate milk i just would have been

Fuck, this whole place is going to get set on fire.

Fucking cunt.

You know?

Isn't that really him?

It didn't really sound like him.

He would have had to talk a little longer.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

Is, uh...

3, 2, 3, 4, 4, 5, 1, 8, 0, 9.

The fat man on Batman,

because I'm not interested in superheroes that much.

There you go, everybody.

Call Kevin Smith.

Fuck it.

You know?

Actually, I like his podcasts.

podcasts it the problem like i liked i used to like um fucking the one that he did with

with mosher that one but it's afterwards became really like drawn out and i don't know man uh

yeah and then the one he does with jay the the one where they jay and son i don't get old like

i can't fuck with jay because he's clean jay but jay's cool as fuck though dude i love jay's

somebody cleans up like i'm not interested in their stories really i went to uh i went to one

of the evening at kim and smith events there was one in orlando it wasn't taped or anything but

full sale the the local the there's a university out there full sale they do a lot of entertainment

like video gaming okay universe and movie stuff they invited them in they said basically i i paid

We paid for the tickets, and it was like they were going to show Clerks, original Clerks, to everyone.

We were going to watch Clerks.

And then he was going to do one of his evening with a – they called it an afternoon with Kevin Smith.

It was afternoon.

And he was really – dude, he was really cool.

There were some parts where I could see where he is kind of a dickhead.

So my first complaint about the event was this.

um they had us watching clerks at eight o'clock in the fucking morning on a saturday dude i slept

i was like i was like i've seen this movie a thousand times like i used to binge watch this

movie back in the 90s when i was in high school so i just slept the whole fucking thing i was

snoring and my wife kept nudging me like you're starring like so should everyone else so i'm

fucking black and white movie made on a shoestring budget all right it was good when it first came

him out but fuck is it anyway it's okay but then nothing good at eight in the morning unless you've

been at a con up till late in the morning yeah all right so that being said let me tell you what

so around 10 o'clock kevin smith comes out and he straight up said look this is how i do it i'm just

gonna be here and i'll stay as long as i can that motherfucker i was there for easily it was eight

hours eight hours i think wow and he was still and he was still going when we left we were fine

like we were tired because we got up at six in the morning to watch the movie yeah it's a beat

you're like we're like we got you know we stayed up last night we got we can't anymore you know

we felt bad some people are starting to filter out because but he was still at he was like i'm

gonna answer questions like he was just but it was that's cool yeah but there was one part i guess

he had done a commentary on a movie not one of his but another movie or something like that and

And one kid was up there saying he thought it was shitty.

And Kevin Smith got upset about it.

And then he walked off the stage and started approaching the guy as he was still fielding his comments.

It was like, okay.

There was nervous chuckling going on.

You know what I mean?

And then, yeah, I was kind of like, yeah, but whatever, dude.

winter celebrity i like i actually liked that movie that he the last movie made with this kid

that yoga hosers that was pretty fun i see i haven't seen anything since um i didn't see red

state and i haven't seen anything after oh red street's pretty dope i heard it's good yeah

because i've heard him describe it i've heard him describe the alternate ending to it on his

podcast and oh i didn't know yeah yeah well he what he wanted to do he couldn't film because

because the special effects would have been too expensive.

They nixed it.

That's where he had the whole falling out with the Wachowski brothers.

The Weinstein guy or whatever.

It was over the budget for that.

Well, I take that back.

I saw Clerks 2.

I didn't, too.

I saw Clerks 2.

The flicks are still, like, they're not as great.

Like, Jay and Silent Bob strikes back.

I had to have a ball in the theater saying that.

It was fun.

It was fun, yeah.

Well, I was hammered in the theater.

I spent an entire summer when I was 23 years old, 22 years old, unemployed on unemployment.

I would get up.

I would eat breakfast.

I would get up around 11 o'clock in the morning, maybe 12.

I would eat breakfast.

I would watch Mallrats over and over again until the screensavers came on,

Leo Laporte on tech TVs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tech TV.

Yeah.

Back then?

yeah dude tech tv yeah i would watch that live and then i would clean the kitchen for my mom

and i would start dinner for her that was my thing that was it was a good time it was a nice

sabbatical that's sound like a good time yeah dude you made me a little jelly right

so i love like i love fucking like being a bum and just like people being so happy that you clean

up the around the house oh my mom was yeah she was like i remember her telling me like i used

used to get depressed like mom i can't find a job like i'm actually trying to look but all i want

to do is smoke weed and she's like you know what you know like don't worry about it you're good

you're making the unemployment money and just keep paying your car and you like even you even

cook dinner for me just about every day yeah like that little shit like even when i was like a

runaway in texas when i was like 16 i was just like cleaning the lady's house that was like

let me stay there and like it blew her fucking mind because like kids are shitty you know

they're like the daughter had a kid by my shitty friend and like they were letting me stay there

so they're putting the just like weird young daughter's room so anyway but like cleaning up

the shit and the mom was a drunk she drank like potting a coffee a lot so we'd get to use the

fucking mercedes like she's like can you boys just drive me to work so we had this cool white

old school bands so it was good but yeah just fucking straighten it up the shit like in fucking

sweden that do that queen of beaters joy yeah but eda did tell me once that you were kind of

peeing outside the toilet a little bit uh yeah she was of course i did well you were peeing at

the time and i said joking i said hey eda so does he like is he peeing outside the toilet

and she's like yeah he does and i don't like it and yeah hey uh carlito you want me to try to

track these people or track these people down right here yeah yeah yeah i can try to track

them track them down real quick do you know there's this lady that's always on cnn named

simone sanders like she's some type of political comment some political commentator on there i've

probably seen her because seeing like scenes in the background we were 24 7 i i hate okay i'm a

liberal all right and i'm not i'm not saying that i i i take the cnn red pill because or with the

I'm just saying, would you take her word seriously

going down the air with those green fucking glasses on

like that?

The blue pill that you drink the Kool-Aid

kind of thing, you know what I'm trying to say?

It's not that, it's just

look, if you can find me

a really, truly unbiased

good

cable TV news channel, I will gladly

watch it, and Al Jazeera

all I'm saying is

I've got her phone number and shit

My thought on the whole thing

i think they're all garbage i don't think you should watch any of them they're just lying to

you they're lying to you they're trying to get you to buy shit and they're garbage just don't

pay any attention to it don't watch any of them my wife cracks up because i sit here and i get

like she's she's sick i thought you because i'll sit there and i'll yell at the morning show with

i didn't know there was a hurricane until my mom told me the other day i had no idea until

yet yesterday i was like hurricane huh like i didn't know yeah i didn't know i don't watch

shit less things i want you know we a speaking of which i think they're and they might be well

cnn is and i'm not hooked up to cnn right now i'm hooked up to weather channel still right now in

the background let's see all cnn cnn fox have just been running non-stop coverage of the hurricane

well they've been talking a lot about uh the other issue the trump issue still kind of the

because he he fired he uh pardon joe arpaio so they started hooking up the thing you know in

of three feet of rain but look at how large of an area is expected to get a foot of rain or more

and that is more than enough like to produce your consciousness devastating catastrophic

they're all horrible they don't they don't care about your best interest they think you're

taking the most landfall i will say this in the morning show that uh first of all that

allison whatever her name is oh my god what i give a good porking on her i'll tell you what

i just i just i just hate him so much i'm like you're a fucking moron wolf's all right wolf's

wolf's starting to grow on me again he for about 10 years i was like fuck you wolf blitzer

but he's all right now he's more tenured now i think he's more like the elder he's taking the

role of dan rather just don lemon he just everything's racist to him it's like today

donald trump ate a chocolate donut he is obviously a part of the national white supremacist like what

I hate his show, and they repeat it twice.

If you don't watch these shows, you don't have to get mad about them.

How do you feel about Jake Tapper?

Jake Tapper seems all right.

He's all right.

He's really the only people I watch.

I watch Tucker Carlson.

I don't watch crazy-ass Hannity or anything like that.

You know who I like is that David King, and they're showing him less and less on CNN,

But he's the best for election coverage, dude, because he gets out there with that touch screen thing, and he's like, we're going to break it down.

Here we go, county by county, district by district, precinct by—I mean, he's got like all the—dude, he's really good at election coverage.

I think it's David King.

And he does a Sunday morning political show, and it's pretty good.

The one I can't stand on CNN is the Bhenchod guy.

You know what I'm talking about?

oh what the fuck is his name

oh god

he does a Sunday morning show too

he's I think he's

the correspondent

he's the White House correspondent too I think

he's always he's fucking pissing me off

but no one

and I mean no one pisses me

off on CNN more than

fucking Richard Quest

the British guy that fucking guy

oh yeah he really grinds my gears

too buddy he's got this

over-the-top british bullshit talking about his opinions on the united states and and how does

this motherfucker know about america he's like their financial guy and they're do you ever think

they they cast those shows like heels and wrestling yeah right you think so just so we hate

them dude dude yes exactly because you're talking about this cat you watch somebody to hate that's

like a heel at wrestling well for i mean for a while there you couldn't get a rate it was like

like a british invasion of american uh fucking news media because it's all garbage none of them

are journalists they're talking to their actors it's garbage you had the the one guy from american

idol and not the american version but the the british version or whatever not the one with the

the three the britain's got another show i've never watched he had a show for a while he fucking

he was a fucking moron what the fuck was that guy's name too i couldn't stand him he's long

gone he's he's he he completely so he took over after larry king and he fucking sucked an egg the

whole time and he didn't go anywhere but anyway that richard quest they saw there's an awesome

larry king with uh norm mcdonald norm mcdonald was on larry king oh that was good they know it's

like on a webcam thing it's a good way to norm mcdonald's a good show to watch the norm mcdonald

show the podcast live yeah i mean it's very good hey you know what's really good i like snoop dog's

youtube show i think i've said that uh the old ghetto news network yeah dude that's

yeah gnm for the win that that's better news dude what's that yeah dude so uh gnm where he

tries to leave shoes and fucking a reefer juice i don't like the freaking weather girl that comes

out every time it's just like it's you know it's a big tip is it is it because you can kind of watch

smut in public or something just watch when what like how is it ever hard to find an attractive

lady to watch on a screen like you live in the internet like no but you know i mean there's

something to be said where you can be more attracted to the woman who has clothes on

on still than the woman who has no clothes on because to me it's a thrill to chase you know

and that's what always got me in trouble with women it's like i love the chase and then when

i bag them it's like yeah but do everything in a bag the news lady on cnn so what's the point

you never know like she might be out in public at the grocery store sometime and you bump into

to her, and she makes some wrong decisions.

But he doesn't live in Atlanta.

She probably

guy travels he's probably a woman and he's a happily married man he's got needs well i'm sure

his wife would be happy to give him a pass like okay listen if you meet you know this weather

lady at the grocery store you get a hall pass no i don't have any i have a list we have a we have

our list that isn't like a good weather lady on cnn no no no i've got a way better list than that

like my wife my wife's list she's got jason momoa is on there you should have punched her in the

face the second she brought up a list to you 50 cent which i was like you fucking nigger you

should have just yeah you fucking nigger dude never touch you that's a divorce yeah i was like

you fucking that you know i said to her um my i would have to say of my list the lana del rey i

don't know what about her death just i women that can sing good just fucking with me i don't know

why but i don't know i don't know she's not that nobody sings better than shot a shot yeah and i

don't fuck shot a but she's not on my list though shot is shit says i'm that guy named those doom

shot a albums are still below my mind oh and i'm really super obsessed with what's her face she was

on that 70s show the the the ukrainian oh my lacunas oh god what i fucking i thought you're

talking about the one who played donna i would throw away my whole fucking life for that girl

oh my god would you really fucking ashton kutcher getting all up in there really

motherfucker him yeah really give up your life for my lacuna's dude she's fucking awesome dude

she's fucking just for an evening she's nerdy no that's not not for an evening but

i want to throw my way over for changing your life to become a celebrity

no no i would like i would give everything up to have her permanent like to be married or but

like like she just quits celebrity to be an item to be an item to be for a one night for a one

night thing i would give up a marriage i would give up my marriage for that but not my whole

life i see i see how i see how this scenario goes here's the scenario carlito fucking like

knocks ashley coacher right in the fucking knee kidnaps him and like basically says basically

your husband back he's like i'm not letting him out of the truck until we fuck i don't hate on

ashton kutcher that much anymore he's done some stuff recently that i've been like all right he's

all right he's an all right guy he's an i think i've mostly seen him seen him as when he was doing

punked and then uh that 70s show i still watch the reruns to that 70s show never saw an episode

never liked it bits and pieces i've never seen it either yeah no no thanks but that's the theme

of tonight's show things that matt hasn't watched yeah i found those celebrities by the way uh as

embarrassing as i might be to say jewel's another one jewel i find her fucking again that's the

whole thing a woman that can sing like that just fucking yeah even with her her teeth don't turn

you off her she fixed them she oh good i mean shouldn't you shouldn't fix your and she's cool

she fixed them finally and she's cool as hell dude she comes on howard stern and she's funny

as hell. She's really fucking

cool. You're not afraid her

fixed teeth, like the fake portions, are going to fall out

and it's just going to reveal her old messed up

ones again? That's fine. You know, to me

I like a little amateur porn, you know

what I mean? Pass it on. We're bright here.

Let me see some zits and stuff.

I got, I got breaking

news from Mama Hillock.

She says they're telling people in Texas

they won't evacuate to write

their name and social security numbers

on their arm and sharpens it.

so if they wash away

they can identify that corpse

get the fuck out it's like okay if you're gonna be dumb

you need to take a sharpie and on your

forearm write your name and your social security

number

it sounds like god damn illuminati

bullshit they just want to go in

and install cams and everyone's out

what's up

they say that they scare ya

they say that they be fucking dicks

and it wouldn't matter A because

it would wash off

I'm going to go ahead and bet that it doesn't.

And the news is winding people up for nothing.

It would wash off, tell her.

I'd write it on my ass.

A, it would wash off.

B, when you die and you get all bloated.

Sharpies are permanent.

No, they fuck up.

Sharpie comes off.

They're not water-soluble.

I get them on me.

I get a white mop with alcohol.

if you die if you die and you get all bloated because i didn't find you until three days later

and the humidity and the heat of the you know what hey that's a great idea right now called

tattoo shops in texas we need to get our we need to get our game of socials tattooed on us

because because you can tell about the sharpie thing good good good hey do we have number i

have numbers piled up the wazoo right now there's the ones i just put into the chat for yeah good

Yeah, people in Texas, write your credit card numbers and fucking securities on Facebook and post them.

Real quick, I have the phone number for a mayor in a major sanctuary city.

Let's call him.

Kevin Smith, huh?

Call him again and talk nice to him, man.

I'll change the ID.

Yeah.

Hey, I should have said, hey, big fan first.

Yeah.

dude but just don't go you went for a cool like radio thing you went your call has been forwarded

to an automatic voice message tell him about the story that he gave you a fucking eight hours of

time back in the day and that inspired you to fucking do your shit in entertainment he doesn't

care i really think kevin smith is kind of a prick dude okay i'm saying i'm saying man

That wife of his is a bitch.

Just saying.

I don't know anything about it other than Jay and Simon Bob's track back.

We've called Jason Mewes a few times on my show.

You've called Jay Mewes?

Yeah.

I imagine he's pretty cool.

Has he been cool with you guys?

He's been drunk and high.

He has not been drunk.

He's sober.

Come on, don't say that.

Oh, no, he sounded very...

He just sounds like that all the time.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

Three, two...

Yeah, Kevin Smith isn't answering anymore, unfortunately.

I got a little bit of time.

He just wanted to know who I was,

and many heard me bring up that Howard Stern beef.

He just, click, whatever.

I got a number here for Gelada Freeman.

If you all remember, this is the chick that got the fake iPad

in the gas station parking lot, wasn't it?

That Brad call?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here we go.

Okay for goofer in the tiny chat. Don't think I'm me. What is this really Matt? Yes. It's a soundboard. Don't believe it

Yes, Stella any part in a glass like a gentleman. Look at this cat

Can you play any songs without them no, I can just do like for Jocka

Jocka I want some freedom fries you fucking frog coward

Who sent the numbers last?

Do we have any numbers that I should be getting to?

Yeah, they're in the chat here.

The main chat?

Oh, okay.

The Hyatt Hotel?

Michelle Obama's a man.

Ah, well, Needle's been on that.

That just popped up.

Dude, Needle's been on that shit for years in the Scat House of Doom.

Hey, man, why don't you call Uber real quick and roll on down to that hotel?

Me?

Fuck that.

Yeah, it's close.

It's close to you.

I know.

Go on, go down there and take some video for us.

We'll get you the celebrities' room numbers.

Just go start knocking.

Let me take a look at these guests here for anyone who's interested in me.

I don't watch Arrow.

I don't watch Doctor Who.

You want to talk to Kevin Sondland?

Oh, wait.

What doctor is that?

I think it's the new faggy doctor.

Oh, fucking hell.

Anyway, if Tom Baker was there, I just would want you to call him and be nice to him.

Catherine Tate, who Doctor Who, which I don't watch, but The Office.

Oh, she was the British chicken office.

Paul Bettany

Captain America Civil War

Iron Man

the Hardy Boys from the wrestling

people keep telling me

I'd like that Civil War

Danny Trejo

I know him

the owl keeps annoying

for numbers

the last time I called Danny Trejo

he had an assistant with him

who was like a fucking asshole

wouldn't let me get past him

that sucks tom wilson michael rooker no him uh that's henry henry sports are so

hilarious he's in mall rats he was the i was just talking about mall rats

he was the fucking they got the diarrhea oh dude dude biff's there call and talk to biff

oh biff tannins here tom wilson's there oh wait no no wait wait we gotta do gene

Dean Simmons from KISS first.

He's a dick. Fuck KISS.

Yeah. We got to fuck him.

Fuck him.

Let me see who else we got here. Elizabeth.

Shylock.

Aiden's a shield. I don't watch that shit.

Full Metal Alchemist. Oh, I was excited. I thought it said Jacket at first.

Arrow. I don't watch that shit.

Stranger Things.

Toonami.

Here's Gene's real name when you call.

Christian's Kirpner.

John Cusack's there.

Dean Cain.

Superman.

the shitty superman uh thomas ian nicholas that's oh yeah he was like a superman for some tv show i

never saw either muster uh yeah thomas and nicholas he was uh from rookie of the year in

american pie so you got your you got your normal guys what is the rookie of the year you got your

normal guys that show up to every single every all these conventions lou ferrigno kevin sorbo

that's all they do god bless them why wouldn't you it's because you got no other source why

why wouldn't you but why dude again if you had a choice if you had a choice of what to do in life

and like you're already famous and you could just go to conventions where people adore you

and they'll just give you fucking cash for a picture with them why wouldn't you do that

yeah well that's that's the whole star trek thing if you get in good on a star trek show

you're set you're gonna do anything else look at your like i'm saying like like fucking the hulk

and shit you're saying like luke like why wouldn't he do that yeah i'm pretty sure luke

frigno is pretty broke as fuck though man like he's he's doing these convention circuits where

that's that's making the ends meet and he's always on the road that's always on the road

well these little conventions don't make a lot of luke but like comic cons make a lot of luke

yeah like the guy yeah but luke frigno isn't the big draw comic con he's getting some people

wasn't exactly exactly yeah the cast of the avengers and fucking yeah exactly those are

the cats making make it blue yeah lou frigno's like oh well yeah he'll show up because he's a

okay wait you're you're you're taking care of my room accommodations right that's not coming

out of my pocket like of course lou we go through this every damn time i don't know if you guys

Guys, I was

with

Sean Ward

he came to a convention in Orlando once

to stay with me

I got to kind of see the behind the scenes

with these comic book conventions and stuff

and it was funny because what's his face that plays chewbacca um yeah i know i know

he showed up uninvited okay okay i'm gonna interrupt you i'm calling bullshit i'm mob

seven he claims he just sent you uh mila kunis's phone number in gort no way he gets all the uh

the celebrity a lot of the celebrity numbers okay that's bullshit all right i'm calling her right

Well, if you do, hey, Carlito, if you do, don't be a dick, like, right off the get-go.

Just fuck it.

The person you are trying to reach is not accepting calls at this point.

No, please, Mila. Oh, God, why?

Shout your wife.

The person you are trying to reach is not accepting calls at this point.

He's being fucked by Ashton Kutcher right now. God damn it.

It's not fair, man.

Why? What has he done?

done another interesting celebrity that'd be good yeah i was able to verify this is the hotel they

were at by that uh rookie of the year guy okay now do you think that gene simmons is staying at

this hotel i think it's a little i think i think they have a running deal with them because i

always find them at this hotel and uh so yeah i think they're all booked there even gene simmons

all right i think they're all there uh but i gave you gene's real name i bet you gene simmons being

in a rock star probably doesn't go under his real name we'll try it we'll try it well he's got to

know his government he's got to present his government id so he's going by his real name

hey wait somebody posted the fake name in the chat i did yes oh yeah do you see that that's

his real name it's not gene simmons it's that one there yeah but i'm saying usually celebrities of

a certain stature know the drill you you say hey look i'm lou farigno but oh yeah don't say that

i'm here i'm really ralphie i did well i didn't know that name well i go i see i go off the

premise that they've got to show their government id when they check in so it's got to be their

regular name i think when you're a celebrity they're like all right mr freak no you yeah

you show your id when you check yeah and you're like hey now you don't well hey it's worth the

try right it is it is the digital check-in with the phone you don't even have to show your id

just call it and ask for this fucking whatever yeah you use the name i gave you and we'll see

we'll see if it doesn't work we could always call back and ask for the for gene because the being

that he's dude he was kissed probably the groupies and the hotels and all that you know all right

we'll try we'll try we'll try it's so weird to me that kiss is relevant at all um where is my

number do i did you send that to me direct for this or they know it's in the main chat here

i can put it back down at the bottom again i'll just copy it i got it the hyatt right

Yep, everything back there is fine.

Numbers says they have aliases.

Yeah, spooky.

Good evening, Hyatt Regency all here.

Charles at your service.

Hi, yes.

I'm calling from Royco Transportation.

I need to speak with Mr. Simmons, please.

There should be a guest there.

Tell the last name for me, please.

Simmons, S-I-M-M-O-N-S.

Okay, I am not showing that name in the system.

Can you check under WITZ, W-I-T-Z?

What was that?

oh okay no i'm not showing that uh last one to check is ferigno f-e-r-i-g-n-o no uh sorbo s-o-r-b-o

s-o-r-b-o sir negro n-e-g-r-o you sure you're at the right hyatt yeah yeah the one in chicago

yeah this is not chicago this is the o'hare hyatt well yeah ohio hair is the airport in chicago last

Last time I checked.

Excuse me?

Last time I checked, O'Hara's...

Well, we have a Hyatt in Chicago.

Don't get uppity with me.

No, I'm not getting uppity with you, sir.

All right, because we're talking about the airport.

Okay, I'm not showing Negro for last night.

I don't need the African-American attitude.

I'm just trying to get my customers help.

Jesus.

Why burn that one?

She's full of shit.

She was the one that confirmed that he was there.

Yeah, she's fully...

She comes.

It's me.

Any Facebook Lives?

I'm good.

I'm not good with that.

How did she confirm it?

Because Dwight sounds like a normal person.

Oh, you called him when he asked for that.

That Nicholas guy.

Oh, then why don't you just do it?

Then why the fuck?

Carlito, why are you talking?

Drunky?

Yeah.

Well, you know, you're going to expect me to make decisions now,

and Dwight's like, you call, you call.

Well, it's not like an ambient night or whatever.

Those were fun.

I've been up for 20 hours straight now

I think it's about time, man

Time to get weird?

Yeah, it's time to go to sleep

Time to get nasty

No nasty

My name is Miss Jackson

Alright, we got

Call me

Yeah, I'm going to have to take one of those

Call me to book your hunt

Tons of birds that have field with sunflowers

Corn and grain

Wait, holy fuck, wait

I'm going to hunt some corn

are you listening what birds and corn and grain that's what he said he said come to

your hunt tons of birds he has a field with sunflowers corn and grain oh you're like reading

the chat or like an ad okay i thought you were just randomly saying that like what's

this motherfucker talking it's like

My poor garden, we went out last

like a week and we lost like one plant

and I think we were both like, fuck this shit.

And it's been growing for a week and a half all furrow.

I don't know, I have no idea what's going on.

Wild mannequin roll.

Please leave your message for

956.

Well, the squash died

and then the green peppers

got eaten up by the fucking Chinese

beetles and then the corn

was all stunted for a chinaman goddamn chinaman bringing their beetles over here and those

fucking you know fucking assholes yeah fucking chinaman chinaman part of the show part of the

show with the foot rigs wins at 130 miles per hour so a category four it has made land oh

hey dom on the sucker game it was cool well please leave your message for nine five six

the other team didn't show up so all we did was like scrimmage another team that was about to play

It was I mean, but it was cool. I guess I was kind of bummed out

Do you think Kevin Smith would answer if I changed my caller ID to be his number if who would might go to boys?

No, depending on oh

That could be fun. Hey, Matt speaking of soccer, you know, my favorite team Real Madrid. No, I love Madrid. Yeah

Yeah, fucking

They're posting shit of like their rival team Barcelona like of like them getting scored on by Barcelona

And then the next post I was like, what the fuck why are they showing this?

and then the next post was

your internet security is shit.

We hacked this shit.

I was playing the song.

I got the song.

I got UK numbers.

Let's wake these up and let's get out of here.

I'm sorry if there's better numbers here.

That's okay.

All circuits are busy now.

Please try your college.

The hurricane in the United States

blew out the UK's phone.

I wonder if there's a problem with the undersea cables.

I don't think my undersea cables go through this.

We all know what happened.

They're Nunu's numbers.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, that was my fault.

It was...

See, here we go.

I just tagged you in it, Matt.

Tag, tag, you're in.

Right.

Mr. Manic.

You're a fucking comic.

All right.

All right, my team here.

Internet security, don't wait.

So that was Madrid getting hacked.

National Hurricane Service?

I guess.

I guess, yeah, they got hacked.

Is it because we said La La Madrid?

red yes okay we said like we're like butterfly wings i'm calling from the hurricane surface

how you doing i'm in a hurricane yeah this is the hurricane calling to give you an update i'm

going to be making a sharp left turn in about 15 minutes thank you my name is harvey the hurricane

hello the person you're calling isn't around right now at the time

That would be funny to start calling hotels in Texas and trying to make a reservation for Harvey Hurricane.

Hello, this is the National Hurricane Service, the Royal Hurricane Service.

We've made a slight adjustment to our forecast.

Look, lady, I'm drunk, all right?

And that's why I'm calling.

Just to let you know that the hurricane is coming to England.

This is not funny.

I'm going to let you go now.

Thanks.

Have a good night.

Thanks for your time.

The hurricane should remind people not to live on the coast.

Well, the Bible does say, don't build your house on the sand, you know?

What did the Bible say about building your house on the sand?

Do not build your house upon the sand.

Don't do it.

Oh, it did really.

It all said, fucking stay away from those shellfish, yeah?

Yeah, well, that too.

But yeah, obviously, don't build your house on the sand.

That's pretty good advice, because nothing good happens.

Either you're not going to be able to grow shit,

and you're going to be poor like in frickin' Somalia.

Or you're going to get a hurricane.

Yeah.

Or you'll be in Arizona and fucking, you know, Jorah Rockwell.

It's like the old fucking, what's the same kind of thing about kids in Africa in the desert.

Yeah, like, don't live in the fucking desert.

Just move.

There's food here.

There's food in other places.

Just don't fucking live there.

That's true.

Like, you live in the desert.

There's no food.

Stop fucking having kids.

Like, I don't get fucking poor people.

Basically, in Africa, you are the crops for the fucking market.

I don't get people without the resources for decent children.

Well, Kennison had a lot of religious tones to his stuff because he was a minister, you know?

Yeah, I know.

He was a fire and burnstone kind of thing.

Yeah, he was a preacher.

Yeah.

Hey, I'm just trying to help.

Like I said, I'm just trying to help.

I'm trying to just do whatever I can for people.

Like the world hunger thing, the USA for Africa.

Isn't that great? Did you guys hear the song? Nice song, isn't it? Beautiful.

I'm like anybody else on the planet. I'm very moved by World Hunger.

I see the same commercials. Those little kids, starving and very depressed.

I watch these things on TV and I see those commercials and I look at them and I go,

God, how cruel, you know?

You see the little kid out there and I go, fuck, you know, I know the film crew could give this kid a sandwich.

This kid's not out there, you know, filming a letter from home with a Betamax, huh?

You know, there's a director five feet away going, don't feed him!

I'm trying to make fun of world hunger.

Matter of fact, I think I have the answer because I spend a lot of time working it out.

And if you want to stop world hunger, stop sending them food.

Don't send these people another vine, folks.

You want to send them something you want to help, send them U-Hauls.

Send them U-Hauls, some luggage, and send them a guy out there that goes,

Hey, you know, we've been driving out here every day with your food for like the last, I don't know, 34 years.

And we were driving out here a day across the desert, and it occurred to us there wouldn't be world hunger

if you people would live with the food here.

this is sand you know it's gonna be 100 years from now rest in peace he's certainly at a point

this is a crazy story about when he died right like the it was it seemed like a survivable

accident he got out he sat down he seemed all right then he just started freaking out and saying

oh no i didn't seek men you know like like i just know he died in a car wreck that's it he was

freaking out he started freaking out and he started saying no no why why why but why now

but why now and then he calmed down and said okay okay okay and then he just that was it yeah oh

weird yeah right he saw something right oh did he see the devil or did he see god probably god

oh man i don't know he might have seen i don't know he cleaned himself up at the end there i

don't know i don't know but he did that weird one psychedelic weird thing where like i was like

started to die and i said in my head like no no i still got shit to do i'll be there in a minute

with you guys what did you have to do for prank calls the prank calls thing right yeah yeah i

just whatever i don't know what it was is that what this is it's the last yeah that's that what

the show is oh yeah dude there's still a gang of fuckers listening where am i there's still

it's definitely depleting

and I started echoing

we're down to 75

yeah it's time for me to go

man I've been up way too long like I said

I got woken up for work I got a call

3.45 in the morning I had to start working

it was fun man

yeah it was alright the second half of the show was fun

the first half

dude it was still fun

even if it wasn't productive

it was fun

it was fun hanging out with the buddies

that's good we had a good time right yeah yeah well thanks uh you guys for being for joining me

you know i'm trying to help out or you did help out you did help out everyone who sent that number

joined in even through the technical issues everyone who tuned in thank you it's good to

see dwight here joined in late in the game that was cool sorry your uh convention didn't go through

anyone got anything to plug matt you got a show next week probably dwight yeah i don't know what

day yet but yeah we'll be doing

party time some like

AME weekday

like Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday

everyone be sure to check out discord.gg

slash pranks

for a prank called chatting needs

I need to go to that

I need to do that right now

can you put a link

in the chat please

somebody

Dwight show tomorrow yes or no

what's going on

I'll have a show tomorrow I don't know

how involved they'll be, because I'm sure I'll be trying to

stream the McGregor and

Mayweather fight at the same time.

Oh, shit, that's right.

Oh, I want McGregor to knock Mayweather the fuck out.

I would like to see that, too,

but I'm realistic.

I don't think it's going to happen.

It'd be nice.

It'd be great if he just came out.

It's one of the few sporty-type

things I'd give a shit.

Or not give a shit, but I would like to see it.

McGregor comes over

and fights Mayweather in the ring.

and then next Mayweather has to come

to MMA and fight McGregor in the

fucking octagon. Well, that'd just

be ridiculous. That's what they should have done.

It's just as ridiculous as this

one is, I guess. It is. It's

bullshit. It's apples and oranges

and I'm gonna be watching it.

It's like same thing for the apples. Yeah, it is.

Oh, dude, what the fuck? You did a nice

Jerky Boys reference on one

of the calls. Oh, the

clowns. The firebombs.

The fucking

like flippin' shit.

We've got a few girls,

a few guys.

Yeah.

All right, look, I've got to go.

Guys, take care.

I'll see you all when I see you.

I'll masturbate you a few more.

I'll masturbate you.

Bye, Carlito.

Bye.

I'll still be here for a minute.

I'm on the controller's Skype phone.

I've been Dwight and Declan in right here.

All right.

Well, thanks again, everyone, for tuning in.

Thanks for bearing with me.

We had fun.

Better than nothing.

I'm going to turn on Hurricane Coven

until I fall asleep, which will probably be in about

10 minutes. Catch you all

when I catch you. You'll probably hear me tomorrow

night on Dwight's show. Yeah!

Bye!

Pray for Texans.

Calls (23, 1 h 15 min of 3 h 20 min)

Transcript

Comments 0