Carlito Dings

You're stupid.

No, you're...

What?

Yeah, but you don't throw frisbees in a shopping center.

But I just bought it.

You throw frisbees in a park.

You're kidding me.

No, I'm not.

No.

No, you don't understand the language.

Who speaks English there?

I speak English.

I understand you perfectly.

You don't understand.

I'm telling you what I mean.

I'm not playing no fucking games, dude.

I fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making those stupid callings.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all night long.

You're not perfect.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

Your call has been forwarded to an autoroute.

Hello?

Hey, how you doing?

Good.

Excuse me, I got the radio on.

Hey, it's Big Roy.

How you doing?

Yeah, yeah, good.

Good. Roy, that was so nice of you to leave me a note.

I have to really thank you for that.

Not many people would do that.

Yeah, fuck you. Fuck you.

What are you talking about?

No, I just, you know, you said I was being nice,

so I thought I'd be like, fuck you, you know,

to be completely opposite.

Oh.

Yeah, so, uh, how's the Tesla?

Everything okay?

okay does it go yeah does the tesla go like that no how do you how do you how do you make it go

how did you hit the car with your door i was bending over and using your side view mirror

to look at my taint because i was in a gangbang the night before and that shit makes you itch

yeah yeah and then i i banged it with my head fine yeah all right well it doesn't look too bad

I appreciate you

all right all right

enjoy your Tesla

make it go

like that

that was stupid

I'm trying to reach

Roy my name is

Derek Willie I'm the

owner of the

silver Honda

window on my car

sorry for the late

call I was the

manager of the

rock so I just

left work if you

can give me a call

tomorrow that would

be greatly

appreciated thank

you so much

okay

hello

hey how you doing hey it's it's big roy how you doing there buddy good good i had to take a shit

and i did it while propping myself on the side of your car i'm really sorry about that

hey what happened we got disconnected yeah sorry i'm in the parking garage oh okay yeah well yeah

so basically i mean your car was there and i had to take a really big shit really really bad i

couldn't hold it i was going to try to get inside that one building in there to you know i was like

Like, I'm in here, I'm now, and, I mean, it was going to be, it was a serious cold brown,

so I just hung on to the side of the car and took a shit.

But when I was done, I went to clean it up, and, like, I kicked the,

you get all kicked up in the bottom of your car, okay,

and then I let some of the air out of one of your tires also, okay,

because I had to dry my hands, so I just kind of, you know.

Yeah.

Okay, and then I was roundhouse kicking, just practicing roundhouse karate moves, like bam, bam, like that.

Because I was so excited because of the bow movement, you know?

Mm-hmm.

The car's fine, so.

Okay, if you say so.

All right, so then basically you're waiving all liability.

I need your statement to say that you waive all liability.

Okay, yeah, great, great.

Got out of that one.

All right, good luck to you.

All right.

Bye.

Stupid, I suck at prank calls.

I'm sorry, I really don't feel like I do good prank calls anymore.

And that's not me saying that because I want people,

Oh, no, you did the best thing you've ever done when I was sick.

I'm not looking for that.

I'm just saying.

I just don't feel it right now.

Some people, certain people don't seem to understand that.

Uh, hi, um, my name is Jasmine.

Um, what do you think of me?

The fuck?

Let's hear that again.

My name, huh?

Uh, hi, um, my name is Jasmine.

Oh, boy.

It's a female prank master.

um i got a note in my car uh from roy g um if you are roy g um give me a call um yeah yeah yeah my

phone number is that all right cool hello hey is this catherine no this is jasmine who is this oh

i thought you said catherine because when you left your message like this is like that it was

was hard to hear you my name is roy oh my name is roy gerbel oh hey how are you okay so yeah uh

yeah go ahead oh yeah your car your car are you okay are we okay if i can get you just to say

that you waive all liabilities so that i don't have to worry about insurance well um if you just

say okay right now then you know i have it recorded and we're okay i don't have to worry about it

right well um you said you think my car where where did you think my car um well i was throwing

a frisbee for my dog you know frisbee uh-huh okay and the frisbee landed on top of your car

really hard it went like that on the hood of the car and then i have a rottweiler he went running

and he ran right on top of the car and he like when he was running he was going you know with

with his nails like this, you know, to go up to the hood.

And then he got the Frisbee, and he started, like, biting it and going,

and the car was going, you know, the sound that it makes when you push up and down.

You know a beer can?

You ever crunch a beer can?

Yeah, but why are you bringing cars into a shopping center without a leash and letting them run?

My car doesn't need a lease.

I have financing.

No, no, you're saying your dog ran into my hood.

But you said your car without a lease, and I don't have a lease.

No, no, no, I said a lease.

My car is paid off now.

Listen, lady, my car is paid off.

I don't have a lease.

Don't you start trying to get money out of this.

Can you listen?

If you're the liar, then I'm not the one calling you.

No, you said that your dog ran on top of my car.

Yeah?

What I'm asking you is how do you bring a dog to a shopping center without a leash?

Well, I mean, he's usually a good boy.

I don't understand.

I don't know why he went running.

I just threw the Frisbee, and he just went, pew!

Like, I don't know why.

Yeah, but you don't throw Frisbees in a shopping center.

But I just bought it.

You throw Frisbees in a park.

I just bought the Frisbee in the shopping center, you know?

And I wanted to make sure it was working.

I went, woo, woo.

I said, hey, Aculo, Aculo.

That's his name, Aculo.

I call him and I say, Aculo, Aculo.

He's like, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, like that.

He gets all happy.

He's such a good boy.

And I threw it.

And then he just stood there like a stupid, like, duh.

So the Frisbee hit your car the first time.

And he's a stupid dog.

He didn't know what to do.

So I went back.

I got the Frisbee off of your car.

And then I hit him really hard in the head, like that, with the Frisbee.

And then I threw it.

And then he ran after it.

and then he jumped on the car but what you're asking why he did it i don't know you know

i made a mistake what do you want me to do what do you want from me what happened in the past is

the past the important thing now is that my dog my dog is okay and you got lucky because if my dog

would have gotten hurt on your car would have been big trouble for you why because your car wasn't

even in my car my car was in a parking lot in a parking spot you hit my dog no it was your car

there come on there's people walking people walking dogs walking baby walking there and

you don't you know you don't where were you my i was inside a store and my car was in a parking

spot but your car no you are wrong your car is a lease or what you know what i i don't want to

have this conversation with you i think um bullshit you know motherfucking shit yeah this

this is bullshit you bullshit you are the shit yeah

hi roy uh my name is alina you left me a note on my car

you know i honestly don't see where you're going uh my car is not super clean it's probably under

the dust or i think it's just dirt i also i've used things before i just don't see them very well

Now, if you could give me a call back and tell me on what side and what area and how it happened,

I will probably look at it and I'm going to slide her up high because right now I don't think...

Blah, blah, blah.

She just wants someone to talk to, lady.

Yeah, take your best friend calls.

That sounds like shit.

hit you in your face and i drank some steaks at the bayou yeah it's like hamburger make your

mind and shut the fuck up while i get spit raw flamethrower your name over your fucking

your call has been forwarded to an

relentless talking about yo i can't even finish the sentence can't read

what that say dude cat oh i'm sure it's like this yo yo yo just fucking shit

good afternoon iheartmedia this is diane yeah why are you calling my phone

Well, let's back up a second here.

I didn't, okay?

Well, the phone number here says that's your phone number.

Okay, no, this is a group of radio stations.

Yeah, I know.

It used to be Clear Channel.

Yeah, I know who you are.

Right.

You guys suck.

Fucking canceled Drew Garabo.

Fuck you.

If you're going to do that shit, I thought you can, because I've been with you, you know?

I think a local radio station was just trying to call the dig number to get to the bottom of this.

What area code is this?

Hang on.

They didn't leave a voicemail.

Let's see if they did or not.

I don't know who the fuck iHeartMedia is.

You can change your name all you want.

You're still Clear Channel.

You still killed radio.

It's glaring.

How many empty seats there are?

Hello, you've reached Taylor.

I'm either on the other line or out of the office.

Please leave a message.

Was that Rush?

This is one of those Rush stations.

Yeah, it was a radio station from that town where the...

It was a radio station from that town.

They just tried to call like two hours ago.

I'll talk to Accumulus Radio Web.

radio station but not fucking neihard i'm not gonna do anything with them fuck them

they ruin concerts they ruin radio they disrespected howard stern motherfuckers

fuck them thank you for calling please listen closely as our options have changed if you know

your party's extension number please dial it at any time tick tock bitch all right cool

i went about this wrong i just started doing a random now i don't know who i called did not

Let's see this one.

The voicemails won't play.

Yay!

Hang on, I think I know why.

Someone's car, I know, that said you binged it, possibly hit hit it,

and we're just checking to see what you'd like to do next.

You can call me.

You have reached the Sarpy County Courthouse.

Please visit our website at...

The courthouse?

No, thank you.

nice try lady she was faking it she left a different number i called back the caller

id number as a courthouse they're really trying to get to the bottom of that in that town

i'm not gonna take any more in that area code sorry done see we talked to derek already okay

this this has to go man we're just gonna do jazz sorry can't can't deal with that tonight

today catherine this is the one that talks a lot what happened with the lady that talks

Did I talk to her or not?

Hold this one.

Yeah, Charlie's Roy.

My car.

Parking lot.

All done.

I need this fixed.

Oh, tough guy.

Giving it a 38% chance of being fabricated and faked by a listener, but let's try it.

Yeah, hey, you're painting the fence over there?

What's going on?

Excuse me?

You're painting the fence?

Painting the house over there?

What's going on?

It took you a long time to say something.

Oh, no.

Is this Roy?

Yeah, how can I help you?

Yeah, you left a note on my card.

Yeah, I guess.

you got a note right with my info yeah at rule farms okay and well i mean you left a note in my

car because you dinged my car and i was wondering are you gonna make right by that well what are we

talking about what do you want sexual favors or i mean where are you going with this excuse me

are you trying to get sexual favors for this or something the way you sound you sound a little

you know a little dirty what kind of shit are you trying to fucking pull here i'm not trying

to pull anything i'm calling you back i'm doing the right thing and you're like oh what you want

gonna do like that like all sexual like look man i'm just married i have children and all that

yeah so do i man okay well i mean i know maybe that's you're trying to cover for something but

you know next time become a priest don't go after me i mean i want to do this right i want to do

this right you fucking left the goddamn lid on my car and now you're calling me talking some

fucking bullshit about sexual favors priest well i'm just saying if that's what you're looking

forward and just go with a priest or something i'm not into that kind of stuff the thing is is

i'm not really into the organized religion so it would have to be like you know not the priest

okay all right sure all right whatever whatever you say whatever so how are we going to get this

taken care of did you get a quote yet well i mean i don't know at this point i'm thinking

a hand you probably just settle it all right yeah whatever okay all right thanks for listening i

I appreciate it.

Bye.

Bye, drunk pervert.

Bye.

Okay.

All right, cool.

Yay.

Told you I gave it a 38% chance.

That's a one in three chance.

Oh, my God, Roy.

Wait, that's not Brad.

Ah, we got Carlito.

You could end it up with, like, Giat or something.

Yeah.

Ah, same guy, same guy, same guy.

Hey there, Roy.

Fake, fake.

You know, my car broke in the Walmart parking lot there.

Just give me your ring back.

Why are you making a fake claim?

What?

Why are you making fake?

Who the hell is this?

You left me a message about Ding Dong.

Why are you making fake?

Are you some kind of chink?

No, man.

I'm just saying.

You left me a fake message.

I'm a redneck.

You hit my car at Walmart.

You dumb motherfucker.

Now, you listen here.

All right?

Yeah.

Go ahead.

I ain't going to shit.

I don't know.

What?

You motherfucker left a note on my car?

Four.

I give you a four so far out of ten.

keep going four four for what four out of ten for your acting okay what the fuck is this this is

cross i'm roy's friend across well what do you want well you left a message you said hey there

roy this is christian is your name christian yeah yeah you hit you left my uh that's a girl's name

you hit my car in the parking lot that's a girl's name roy did well fuck you dude it's a girl's

you got a girl's name you got a feminine boy's name fuck you asshole is that with a k

probably right it's with a c dipshit yeah the h also or just cr what did you use the ch why don't

you just tell people why don't you just have people call you christ well my parents say x a x i a n

x i a n yeah you know like christ or you know whatever but hey that's beside the fucking point

all right cool well hey thanks man thanks for calling i appreciate it thanks all right all right

you hit my fucking car yeah i know i know but i don't like the way you're talking i don't i don't

think you're for real right now i think you're a fake i think you're fake motherfucker i'm not

you have a note you have my number i'm calling you back it sounds like you're faking that i

when i looked around my car i didn't really see anything but i'm pissed the fuck off

oh you okay cool maybe maybe i'll get on the home estate bar and be like you know i got that uh

i got that fucking dent in the rear motherfucker that's fine because because because because

because quiet quiet because i have you on tape now saying you didn't see anything so i'm good

i'm in the clear just fuck you dude this is a two this is a two-way thing you didn't ask me

permission to tape me motherfucker this is a two-party state is that what you're trying to say

uh yeah okay all right yeah my bad sorry i guess i should have told you all right from now on from

now on let me hang out hey fuck you hey don't be disrespectful to me i'm trying to do the right

thing here fuck you motherfucker okay my dick all right thanks for listening though all right

thanks for listening thanks for listening yeah okay bye i don't speak spanish see you later

bye hey thanks thanks for thanks for your support though we appreciate it all right but don't

don't leave the fake numbers don't leave the fake numbers your voice inflection gave it away from

the voicemail man from the beginning you're a fake you're a fake motherfucker i am indeed i am i gotta

Gotta go. I gotta take a shit. See ya. Bye.

Alright, good. Good luck.

This one says this is Judy. That's a female's name

and that's probably true because no men

listen to Brad Carter. No women.

Only men listen. Hi, this is

Judy calling back.

Not even Sunshine listens to him.

She just does whatever she wants.

Come on, play. I'm trying to figure out

why you left your

phone number and told us to call

you if you're not going to answer

the phone. So when you get a chance

could you give us a call back?

Thank you. Bye.

I missed you.

My name's John. I'm calling about a note I found on my car this morning.

Gonna just give me a call back. My phone number's shit.

Fucking Judy doesn't pick up the phone. Didn't pick up for Brad this morning.

Don't sound like I'm going to work.

Ah, you've reached the voicemail box of John, right?

John, asshole.

Um, I knew.

Oh, I saw these texts before. Some person's saying that they're an ethical hacker.

Ooh, yeah. I guess we fucked with the wrong people.

iHeartMedia, all of our lines are currently busy.

Please stay on the line, and your call will be answered in the order it was received.

Okay, okay, I can do that.

Good afternoon, iHeartMedia.

Hello, I have a missed call from this number.

It's probably related to the ding notes that were left on cars in the area.

Do you know who's investigating that?

Probably the Omaha police. You might want to check with them.

Well, then why did I get a call from the radio station?

Not sure. I just sat down here, so I'm not really sure.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

I mean, do you know who?

You're calling from the 626 number, is that right?

Do you have someone like in the news department that's following up?

I'll give an interview.

Yeah, I bet you will.

6269, is that the number that we should have the police call to follow up on it?

No police call, no.

Yeah, I'll have them give you a call.

No, no, no, please no.

I don't want my mom to know about it, please no.

Yeah, that's okay.

Okay.

Okay, hey, you people disrespected Howard Stern, you know that?

You disrespected Howard Stern, Ababui.

Howard Stern asked me to do this.

I work for Howard Stern.

I don't know who that is.

Ababui, oh yeah, you don't know who he is.

No, I don't.

The vacuum 10 years ago, plus your industry,

the reason why your company is going to not exist anymore in its current form.

Uh-huh, I wasn't in radio 10 years ago, not sure what you mean.

Okay, but you're in it now.

Like you're jumping in at the worst possible time.

I just answer the phones.

It's like you're becoming a pro wrestling fan in the early 90s.

I don't know what you mean.

I just answer the phones.

Exactly, exactly.

All right, all right.

Well, hey, you know, I stand ready for that master interview.

So it's 626-269-

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know the number.

Everyone knows it.

It's all over.

All right.

I'll see you later.

All right, bye.

All right, thanks.

Bye-bye.

The 626 number.

I'm great.

Now they're going to be like, we got a call for the 626 number and the voice changer.

the card the card dinger the carding bandit oh man where's the music i realized uh they did

disrespect howard stern also moving right along though her friend casey's a fag good times good

times um the rest of these are probably already been done they're from monday not a lot of people

are calling back on these dings i remembered always being a lot of people maybe the people

aren't as excited about doing them uh because of the fact that it's not brad who's taking the

The principal weight of the calls this year.

And I understand people don't really like me.

And I don't blame you.

You shouldn't like me.

Hey, Roy.

This is Travis Miller.

Hey, Travis Miller.

You left a note on my car saying that you had dinged it.

Fake.

I'm just calling to try and figure out where you dinged it at.

I don't really see anything.

Just give me a call back whenever you get this.

Thank you.

22% chance of fake.

Let's see.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

Four.

All right.

Well, it did as many as I could there.

I will stay on the air for approximately 30 more minutes.

Just playing music.

Enjoy, guys.

Send me any requests you have.

Thank you.

I'm getting there.

If any more ding calls come in, I'll answer them.

Don't worry.

An autistic 40-year-old virgin.

Winch, I'm City Hotel.

Alicia speaking.

How can I help you?

Yeah, hi.

I was going to be coming in next week for a nice hotel stay,

but I understand there was a hurricane here at this place.

Yes, sir.

Everything working?

Water working?

Toilet working?

The electricity is not working yet.

Hopefully it will be fixed soon.

Most of the island was affected in that way, but everything else is well.

The hotel is completely functioning.

But there's no electricity?

There's no electricity.

We have a power bank that is giving electricity to the lighting and to charge electronics,

but no air conditioning.

But everything else is fully functioning.

Okay. Is the beach working?

Yes, the beach is working.

and the beach is public and open and free is the gravity working gravity is working okay is the

oxygen flow working i'm breathing well okay all right is the vagina working oh man i don't think

i can comment oh you're on the period have a good day i'm gonna help get anywhere else can i light

candles inside the hotel okay um i think that is not allowed it's a fired heart hazard all right

but i'm gonna kick everything when i get there oh no please don't i'm gonna kick you no please

okay yay happy birthday happy birthday yay bye

whatever god she's fucking giggly

vagina's working hey how are you i'm american yay

Hey, I'm coming on the ship tomorrow.

Is the hurricane, like, do you have power?

Is it working?

Yes, it's working.

Is the toilet working?

Is the what?

The toilets, are they flushing and everything?

The water, the toilet?

Were you shit in the toilet?

Does that work?

What do you want to know?

For what?

It's a business.

I know, but I'm coming.

It's a business.

I have all functions.

But I'm coming, I'm coming, you know?

What do you want to know?

Because hurricane came by, you know, and then power is not working in some place.

You can come in to buy or it's in control.

But what about the toilet?

You can come in to buy here or it's in control.

Or it's in control?

What?

Thank you.

What do you mean in control?

Is the oxygen working?

Do you want to know something else?

The oxygen, is it working?

The what?

Oxygen.

Yeah, because the hurricane came and knocked out the oxygen, maybe?

Excuse me.

on that went for that but i do have to play a prank call i do have to take a second if you

excuse me please let me find a prank call to play here we go hurricane looting hello

thank you for calling the canada plaza hilton

hi hey hermano how are you hello

Oh, I'm good, thanks

Hermano, I learned that word today

It means friend, Hermano

You're my Hermano

So, I'm supposed to fly in

To come to the Puerto Rico

Tomorrow morning

And I understand that you had

A hurricane come by yesterday

A hurricane yesterday?

No

Oh, no hurricane came, so everything is normal?

No, yes, everything is normal

Okay, but you had a hurricane

I thought, right?

What? Sorry?

You had a hurricane. Hurricane coming.

If we had a hurricane?

Yes, I said.

We do not have a hurricane coming. The hurricane that came was Irma, and that's about it.

Okay.

Every single one is already...

Is everything work?

We're not coming to Puerto Rico.

Is everything work?

Yes. Irma just gave us a little bit of the air, so it was just a little bit more rain and a little bit more wind than usual.

Yeah.

So everything is intact here in Puerto Rico, and the hotel is also intact.

We have water.

We have electricity, as well as the roads are cleared.

Is the oxygen working?

And the air cord is also working.

Is the oxygen working?

Because you need to breathe the oxygen supply.

And then is the gravity generator working?

And what's the current status of the warp core?

Hello?

Hello, you made a noise?

You made a weird noise.

All right.

Okay, good.

Thank you for the information.

Yay.

Hey, stupid. Way to be done with prank calls forever.

Hello, I'm supposed to be coming to the Puerto Rico, the country of Puerto Rico, tomorrow.

And I was told by one of my supervisors that you had a hurricane that came by a few days ago.

Yes, and it didn't actually came to the island. It was just the hurricane winds.

So it actually didn't affect us at all.

um there were some three that fell and um so everything is it's okay do you have the toilets

flushing when i need to take a shit the toilet goes in the i mean that's how it works here right

like when you in this place this country when i have to use the toilet you know i have to go to

the bathroom it's a toilet you sit down on or is it like a hole she ain't gonna answer again

fuck it calling the holiday and express san juan for spanish please press nine no for the guest

or to reach the front desk, please press zero.

Thank you for calling San Juan Marriott.

This is Joel. How may I assist you?

Hey, Joel.

Joel.

Hello.

Hey, how are you doing, honey?

How can I assist you?

I'm concerned because I'm coming to the country of Puerto Rico tomorrow,

and I understand that the hurricane came and that you don't have power and water.

No, that's nearby the hotel.

The hotel did not sustain any damage whatsoever.

Oh, good.

Around the area, around the area, one or two, you know, trees that were already, but nothing, nothing major.

And this area...

Can I go, is Luquillo Beach still open?

Luquillo Beach, I do believe it's still open, but I do not know if any damages were sustained over there

or if the city and the area is nearby, you know, because Luquillo Beach is a tourist area.

All right, so then in this place, in this country, when you go take a, you know, like a shit,

does that go in a toilet or is there like a bag you put it in or a hole in the ground god damn it

where like where do i make a poop is it in the toilet or in a hole outside in the ground how

does it work in in puerto rico well the hotel if you're staying at the hotel you call in someone

resort instead of casino yeah uh so the water's working and when you sit down in the toilet you

take your pants off and your underwear and you sit down on the toilet and you push it out and

And you evacuate, that's correct.

And then what do you do?

Do you use some paper to clean back there?

Or baby wipes, whatever is easier or nicer.

And then you push the button, or do you have a lever you push?

No, it's a lever.

Okay, and then it goes down.

Then it flushes just clockwise.

And that's working?

That's working fine.

Okay, okay.

Now, what about the gravity?

Is that working?

The gravity?

Yes, the hotel has not spinned off orbit yet.

Okay, so the gravity generator is still working, okay?

Yes.

And what is the current oxygen supply?

The oxygen supply is what the weather is providing for pretty good air.

Maybe it's time for you guys to go ahead and schedule to dock with Starbase 28 and just refuel.

Go ahead and load up back on hydrazine and liquid oxygen, okay?

And I'm going to put you down.

Well, the whole tunnel is not levitating.

Well, no, but it's a facility, and you should be able.

i can get you clearance in docking bay 12 uh let's say for let's just to be safe let's say

saturday uh 10 a.m atlantic standard time i'll put you down a dock in docking bay 12 if you can

write that down no doubt the hotel will probably be too busy we'll be somewhere on the middle of

the ocean oh shit okay all right well then i gotta adjust my coordinates then so you guys

sure you're good on water then electricity power generations everything's working gravity toilets

is just flushing everything's working okay what about fire control fire control no fires isn't

this the place that had that fire one time in the 80s yes a long time ago that was hilarious

yeah it was kind of tragic yeah you know why because it was you stupid people that did it

right you the workers did it because we're going to go on a strike right well i wasn't alive i

wasn't alive in that yeah but your father was your father was yeah my father was he was not working

Yeah, but he went in there, what, you guys locked the, you guys locked the, you chained up everything so people couldn't get out?

The doors faced inward in the casino?

That's really stupid.

When you say you, when you say you, are you referring?

You people.

I just said I was not born by that time.

Yeah, but you people did it.

But that's impossible for me to have done that unless I was in a time ship.

But you people did it, you people did it.

You people, what people?

You dirty island people.

The island people, the dirty island people.

Yeah.

Okay, that's fair.

But why you people do that?

Why you people start fire?

Why?

Why we start fire?

Why you start fire hotel in 1985, 86, whatever?

You know, Google.

Google is a very nice place to get all the...

I like to be told or sometimes I'll put a documentary on and I'll just listen to it.

Because fuck reading.

For what?

Fuck reading, you know?

I like to be told.

I like to hear it on TV.

TV, you know, I like to hear them and show me pictures and the fire goes up.

That's what I saw.

The big fire went up, big fire, and there was a helicopter, you know.

Well, there's a lot of fires in California also.

No, but I mean, you people did this in your own hotel there where you are.

You people started a fire because you were on strike, and that makes no sense.

But then you're so stupid that you didn't realize that all the doors in the casino opened inwards

and all the people were trying to push out, so they got stuck.

Well, those fires are outside.

I'm talking, these people made a fire intentional inside the building,

and you guys chained up the escape routes and everything.

Why do you do that? Why do you do that?

I don't know. I guess I got to look at Google also.

Where's your dad?

Apparently, you know more than I do.

Where's your dad?

Where did you get this information? From Google?

Where's your dad? No, TV told me.

TV? You said TV?

Yeah, the TV said, was showing it. It was on the TV.

Well, you shouldn't believe anything the TV said.

But it had pictures and everything. It showed the people, the dirty people.

It must be.

Well, obviously, you said it did happen in this hotel that was fire many years ago.

It must be real then.

So you're saying it never happened?

I'm not aware.

I wasn't, like, again, I wasn't born by that time.

Well, a few minutes ago, you're like, yeah, it happened here a long time ago.

I wasn't here, but it happened.

I wasn't born.

You know, I can't say that it did happen.

I've heard of it, but I can't say it did happen because I wasn't here.

Can you put me through someone who was there?

Absolutely.

Give me just a second.

Okay.

Nobody.

True story, though.

Where is the music?

Got about 19 minutes left to show.

I heard a ding.

That means potentially we got a call.

Let's see if that was the police.

Okay, great message.

Thank you.

Your call cannot be completed as...

Yeah, yeah.

Put an extra one in there.

Hey, Barbie.

Oh, this is Akulo.

I'm coming from America.

I want food.

I'm coming on the plane.

I'm landed right now.

I wanted to get food.

I'm staying at the hotel that they made on fire in 1985.

Remember?

That was funny.

Marriott.

Yeah, that was so funny because those people are so stupid there.

I'm going to stay there.

Yeah.

Do you have to make a reservation?

Yeah, I want to come in.

What kind of food do you have?

What kind of food?

I would like, say, a smaller size plate so you can try different things.

And it's like globally influenced.

It sounds like bullshit.

Come on, man.

It's really good.

Is it really?

Are you going to come by?

Well, yeah, I want to come.

Should I put you down?

down yeah well put me down for like uh i don't know uh put me down for four spaces

okay so how does how does it work when i go there what do i do do i sit down

you make a reservation i can guarantee that you have a table ready sure okay and is this close

to where the the prostitutes are is this close to where the prostitutes are the prostitute i heard

that we're on the street on magdalena no they're not really there though you would have to go

go further down into ghetto town for that but where they're not like men right that are look

like women right well like i wouldn't know i'm not business of hiring but you know but you sound

sexy though are you married oh yay yay so make reservation for two me and you you're gonna take

a break yeah and they're gonna punch you yeah i'm gonna punch you i'm gonna punch you in the face

i'm gonna break a bottle over your head and punch you in the face yeah i'm brad carter i'm brad

What do I do to deserve this?

Because I'm Brad Carter.

Okay?

Write that down.

Brad Carter.

Brad.

Yeah.

When would you be here?

Give me, uh, say like, are you still taking people at 9 o'clock at night?

I'll come there, me and you, we're going to eat together and we're going to fight.

We're going to have a fight.

Two or four?

No, just me and then you.

That's two.

Me plus you, fight.

We're going to fight.

We're going to have a big fight in front of everybody.

Okay?

All right.

I can't wait to fight you.

I like sexual fighting.

Sexual fighting is awesome.

All right.

All right, bye.

Okay.

I have nothing.

I don't have any funny.

Thank you for calling Guess I'm Getty Wayne.

This is Alba speaking.

How can I assist you?

Yeah, am I allowed to have a fight inside the room?

Fight?

Yeah.

Well, because I'm bringing back a woman, and I'm going to punch her and kick her.

No, you're not allowed.

Well, how would you guys find out, though?

I could find out because of the noises, and there's also Law 54 against domestic violence.

If we hear something, we can press charges against you without her consent.

Law 54?

Yes.

How do you know the law, but what's Law 32?

I don't know. I know 54, but 34, I don't know it.

32, 32.

Oh, so you mean that you would apply this law to me, Law 54?

Yeah, we call it genre violence, I think it's called now.

So if I do violence inside a hotel, the hotel has the right to...

Yes, we can press charges against you without her consent.

What if I kick, just kick the room?

room we would charge you like 250 for damages in the room what if i just shake my wife really hard

shaker shaker and maybe try considering calling another property then no but i mean i already

have reservations yes but you know any weird noises if that's ward uh we do have protocols

where we call the police what about what about this noise what about this um yes we would probably

Yes, if something's wrong inside the room.

What about this one?

Yes.

Like that?

Yes, and for any further questions, feel free to call a little bit later

because I'm assisting with a guest with a tech in at the moment.

Oh, what are they doing?

Are they sexy?

Sexy woman?

I think that question is out of place, so I'm going to hang up now.

You're out of place.

Hang up the phone.

I command you.

Thank you.

during the month of september and october we will be closed from lunch monday to shut up

your call yeah i dialed it wrong i know i can't wait to end this show

thank you for calling again your call will be answered shortly

Hi, woman, how are you?

Hello, good and you?

I'm good.

So when I come to a spa, do you have several women line up in front of me and I choose which one?

Not really.

Oh, why? Because of the hurricane?

No, just because we don't do it that way.

Oh, where? Where I can go for, you know, for Dirty Girl?

I have no idea. Not around here.

Nothing? Oh, man. Okay.

Is the power working from the hurricane?

Yes.

In the water?

Yes.

Are the prostitutes working?

I have no idea. Not here.

Okay. Well, that's what I'm wondering because everything was off, you know.

A lot of stuff was off, so I thought maybe I'd check to see if they have restored the prostitutes yet.

Oh, I have no idea.

They're still working on it.

Okay.

All right, honey.

Well, go on.

Pull down your pants and your panties, okay?

All right.

Okay, bye.

That went nowhere.

Hello?

Is that her?

There she goes.

Hi, how are you doing?

Hi, sir.

Hi, my name is Bob Blanchard.

I'm from America.

This is my first time here, and I'm a big boy, and I'm wondering to see if you got big clothes.

It's a restaurant.

Well, no.

Well, wait a minute now, because I put in the computer.

or uh i need some old clothing like a goodwill and yeah it's very good in here i'm sorry

no really i what happened they lost my luggage and then what i have on right now is very

you know not clean my luggage got lost so i'm looking for like the goodwill the you know place

where you have used clothing and i put it the name is a restaurant no but it says here i put

Old clothing, and it came out of your place.

No, this place is a restaurant.

But what is this place?

A food.

Ropa Vieja?

Ropa Vieja is a...

What does that mean?

Sweater from steak.

No, but it says that ropa is clothes, and vieja is old.

I know it, but it's like a...

You're stupid.

No, you're...

What?

Well, I know Spanish.

I took Spanish school.

I know what ropa vieja means, old clothing.

Okay, I know it's O'Closer's Roba Vieja, but the O'Closer's Roba Vieja is a restaurant.

Yeah, so how much? Do you have double 2XL?

No, I have a foot. You know what I mean, foot?

Foot? You have a foot. I have two.

Do you have shoes? Is that what you're saying?

I don't, maybe the language, I don't understand.

Excuse me.

Foot.

That's what I'm looking for. I need some clothing.

My luggage got lost. The plane didn't have my luggage.

they said they gave me a 50 voucher card to buy clothing for now and i'm staying here at isla

verdi isla verdi verdi okay i'm in the hotel that caught on fire in 1986 you remember that

that was so funny so look at what i need is old clothing just i don't need anything new

i need used clothing for sale you know consignment so that i can have for one or two days and then

my good clothing coming on the plane and then i keep that but i was talking to a woman there

stupid woman who doesn't understand and i telling her i took spanish school i know

No, Ropa Vieja is the place where you can get used clothing.

You're wrong.

Yes, yes.

No, you're wrong.

But yes, it says here in the paper, Ropa Vieja equals old clothing.

You're confused.

You're not understanding me because you don't speak English.

You don't understand what I'm saying.

I don't mean...

I understand perfectly.

No.

The language, yeah.

Ropa Vieja, old clothes is a beast.

That's it.

That's the one.

That's okay.

Okay, so how much?

Do you have double, 2XL?

What size pants you have?

38?

You're kidding me.

No, I'm not.

No.

No, you don't understand the language.

I understand perfectly.

Who speaks English there?

I understand everything.

Who speaks English there?

I speak English.

I understand you perfectly.

You don't understand.

I'm telling you what I mean.

And you say food.

I don't want you to tell me where is restaurant.

I know.

I am a restaurant.

Here is a restaurant called Ropa Vieja.

You can buy clothes here because I can give you beef.

I am a restaurant called Ropa Vieja.

I'm not looking for beef.

I don't want any beef with you.

I don't want any problem.

Oh, boy.

I am a restaurant.

60 seconds left to show.

Hey, is this the place?

I told Gonzales to meet me at the place.

Be at the place.

Gonzales.

I said, Sosa Gonzales?

Sosa is Sosa there he was supposed to meet me at that place where's Sosa well I was asking the

lady where's the place the place to meet Sosa and they said the place the place over here

there's stupid Puerto Rican people everywhere yeah fuck you and your fucking piece of shit

uh fucking thing the way the thing sound was a piece of shit everybody thank you for tuning

in today I want to thank especially Olga and AXPA for helping me edit uh those podcasts that

hit here just a few days ago or in the last week there were only four unedited episodes left well

this is the fifth one if i decide to release this if i decide that would be five unedited episodes

left so we're making way we're in july now i plan to have those edited by the end of this weekend so

five more podcasts uploads hopefully they're coming through just fine and we'll be all caught

up and then i can go ahead and retire wiping my hands of all of this i'm done i don't want to

to work with anyone else i don't want to do any prank calls with anybody i don't want anything

to do with anybody i'm tired of it i'm tired of being abused i'm tired of being used and abused

so you guys get your last few shows i'm going to edit them this weekend you download them and

that's it i'm done okay okay you guys have a good night i'll see you when i see you bye

Calls (12, 40 min of 59 min)

Transcript

Comments 0