How Do You Make a Fist?

You want to get your ass beat?

Why don't you go and grind your fucking self?

Show your penis and your masturbate?

Well, you know what?

You need to go find somebody else to get sick with.

This is where babies come from.

I'm not playing no fucking games, man.

I fucked you, son of a bitch.

Stop making us get the cuttings.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all my life long.

You're not perfect.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

The late 20s was running around with his underwear on, calling him, banging his head on the ground.

Maybe I do and maybe I don't.

What I say is they got no business negotiating.

They'll be going back in there with a bullet for everybody in the yard.

Is that right?

We do it now, we do it later.

Later ain't gonna be no use.

Right, Al?

Now, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute, Frank.

The angry guys in there, black Muslims, panthers, young lords, besides you, average antisocials.

So we gotta go in, right?

Clean your clocks.

We'll find the largest call station in the nation.

In the prank call nation.

If you would like to place a takeout order, press 1.

Nope.

If you want hours, press 2.

Nope.

For directions, press 3.

Nope.

To speak to a member of management or a Red Lobster team member, please press 4.

Hey, Marquise.

How you doing?

Hey, man.

I see there's a job here in the paper.

Damn it.

There's a job here in the paper.

Thank you, Google Voice.

Thank you.

you my name is gary yeah hey i'm sorry did you hang up because you heard the noises on the phone

oh well why can you hear me now good i see you have a job in the peppa here for a red lobster

server yeah i have a server experience are you the man obviously you're not the manager right

obviously you're not the manager um is there someone i can talk to an overseer perhaps

about the job can you speak up not at this moment you can't speak up at this moment cool can you put

me through to someone else then because i'm having a problem between the language barrier here

between me and you because obviously english is your second language if you sir i'm about to hang

up the phone no no no no that's not necessary okay i'm sorry hey hey hey all right now you said you

were about to hang up the phone that doesn't mean you have to yet okay okay what then why say you're

Fuck.

Hey, everybody.

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

My name is Meme Face.

That's right.

This is Meme Face Madhouse Lot.

This is Carlito.

I'm the host of Madhouse Lot.

This is a prank call show that I do.

Thank you.

Are you guys happy I updated the podcast for you guys?

I love my fans so much.

I updated my podcast.

It only took me a year and a half, but I caught those motherfuckers up.

And now phase two of the new Madhouse, Modern Madhouse is what I call the Modern Madhouse Project.

It's a new initiative to change this show.

Now phase two can go.

The first step was to make sure that I did my part as a good host and finally caught up with the podcast there for you.

So we're up to date.

This show, hopefully, my aim is to have it updated within the next 72 hours on the website as well as a podcast.

Speaking of which, and we'll get more to my plans later.

speaking of which madhouse live.com is my website that's for this show madhouse radio i also am a

founding member of prank call nation prank call nation.com now we need a final solution on prank

call nation is it a nation is it an association is it just a thing that's left over with just

dwight me and matt doing shows on there which by the way before i continue with my pre-show plugs

right beginning of the show plugs wanted to point out that tonight today's monday and i made a

mistake so what happened was what had happened was i was going to do a show starting around 10 11 a.m

until about 1 or 2 p.m and then i figured at which point matt hillock and zach sidekick zacks would

do their show i wouldn't be stepping on any toes so i set up the show and everything i had all my

my stuff laid out all the cables connected everything tested fart noises were working

everything and then i had my soda here right my water i took my medication and i locked there's

a lock on the door here to this studio room that i have that's one of those locks that when you move

into your home you know you didn't find a key they put a key on it you know there's a key because

because this is actually supposed to be the master bedroom,

but I wanted the space for a man cave, and here we are.

Anyway, that door is, and I have a key for it,

but it has a lock, it has a pretty strong lock on it.

And, I don't know, over the weekend I was thinking to myself,

hey, I've got all these keys that I should test out,

see if one of them is the key to this lock.

And none of them worked, and I was playing with it and testing.

This is Saturday at night, late at night.

you know i take my ambient rice and i just start doing stuff so none of them worked like okay

mental no uh columbus day monday after i do a show i will go out to home depot uh not lowes

because i'm banned from that store because of the prank calls i've done but home depot

and i would order a new like a nice schlog get put a nice schlog in there a nice yale schlog

you gotta get schlog schlog lock locks and mowing faucets here at my house man anyway so left it

it locked and closed the door for a second and uh yeah left it locked out i had to call locksmith

and it's one of those things where you call locksmith and you're like oh yeah we'll be right

there and then three hours later here comes the locksmith yay so if you were listening on shoutcast

you would have noticed there was a long period of silence there that's why all right new new i see

you man i'll get to your request here in a second let me write that on the big board i have an

assistant today so i gotta write the stuff on the big board new shit all right not that marker

we'll use the boomer to put a new new here new new and zero zero and zero zero okay anyway so

that's what happened so that being said matt hellock he may need to bump me off and that's

fine because it's his day usually i mean he doesn't stick today matt me and matt are my he's

like a brother to me honestly on the real so i think he'd be okay i'll let him join on and we

We can just do a double show, you know?

That'd be nice.

Anyway, so I apologize in earnest.

I forgot until just now when I started playing stuff that, oh, shit, Matt might be like, hey, I want to do a show.

So I reached out to Matt on Skype.

He hasn't answered me back.

That means he's probably sleeping or out doing something.

So the show may be cut off.

I apologize to Matt.

Tuning in-wise, if you need to leave, if you've got to go back to work, if you've got to take a drive, you don't have good Internet service,

all you need is a phone a cell phone any phone can dial this number that's area code 605-475-0097

again 605-475-0097 where you can hear this show right now live you can actually tune in so if

your internet flakes out if you're in a hurricane or something a big storm big power outage any time

a year you know not just now but yeah you can actually call that and listen to the show you can

actually listen to it's a shellcast station and you can uh you can uh tune in any any time there's

a whole rotation that plays on that all the time so let's check it out right now let's see what it

sounds like any time there's a whole rotation that plays on that all the time so carlita you

fat motherfucker you see i was making it all go all weird anyway so that's that's that right there

call that number 605-475-0097 there also are on madhouse live.com there's shoutcast links and

players right there so you can tune into the show uh if mixer's giving you a problem or if you just

want to hear prank calls during the day uh on an auto dj kind of basis it's not like you can just

go to the site and listen to any show any prank you want a lot of people like to listen to my show

in order i see that a lot a lot of people i see chattering i see the chatter out there on the

on the twitters and the madhouse live facebooks and they're all like yeah listen at 2005 i'm on

2006 oh yeah man i love those people that do that man that's crazy i always say if you're doing that

if you could just send me like three sentences that describe the show if it doesn't have a

description already on the website i will gladly thank you and i will put that on on on there to

archive it make it easier to find stuff and i will give you a shout out for doing that because

Because it takes a lot for me to go back and hear an entire show.

Especially those old ones.

I haven't heard a 2005 show in so long.

I really probably should start going back and listening to them.

I would like to go back and remaster those shows.

Could be an idea.

I'll write that on the big board.

Anyway, chat-wise, you can also chat.

There's a chat link there at madhouselive.com.

That's Enigma's big IRC chat.

We've got people in there.

And also at discord.gg slash pranks.

That is the Discord chat.

chat um you can chat i'm on there right now too you can also send your messages over at

mixler.com slash prank culmination the chat should be enabled for the time being it will be shut off

at the end of the show would also like to ask you to check out calls of mass confusion on youtube

that is a show that i am involved with along with brad carter jesus in the dump truck jayad

some may call him dwight the janitor and matt hillock even a little bit of jim stewart in there

so there's a whole season in there and we're currently actively filming season two right now

some funny stuff going on i haven't done much but i've been doing a lot of writing a lot of

the writing for the show of the prank ideas i've been helping out with that and i got to get in

gear but i want to look a little nicer i want to lose a little bit more weight and have a nice

haircut for when i do these things because it's a big it's very important i take it very seriously

look good on youtube that's why i don't do youtube live that's coming soon too i got a

whole bunch of stuff madhouse on twitter at madhouse on twitter follow me there send me

your messages i'm trying to be more active on twitter and also madhouse.live on facebook please

follow and then my own youtube channel go ahead and check that out just look for madhouse radio

on youtube you'll find that give me a subscribe and a like um patreon.com slash madhouse is

reactivated i'm asking for a dollar that's all i'm just asking if you like what you hear and

and you want to help out, all you need to do is give a dollar.

That just helps out right there.

I want to thank all the people who are donating there already.

Some more information on that,

because Phase 2 of the Madhouse plan is going to involve that.

So basically, the idea that I've dreamed up,

and I'm hoping this works out,

is if you contribute at least $1 to the Madhouse cause on Patreon,

you'll get instant access to all the archived audio.

So you don't have to wait for a show to get edited.

unedited you can get it unedited you can get the whole music the whole experience and high

and the highest definition rate possible uh there'll be big files but you'll basically

you'll get dropbox uh access is the way i think i'm going to do it so if you were to make a

contribution of patreon um i would take your email and you would get a request uh or a notification

rather that you've been added to the shared folder you go in there and get your stuff so you don't

have to worry about all that if you miss a show don't sweat it you don't have to worry about the

mixler being so crappy etc etc so and there also be extra tidbits in there extra pranks that i do

not on the air um like maybe off on other shows that may not make it to the paint may not make

it to the podcast necessarily or stuff i do off on my own time that'll be up there um my committal

is to do at least two shows a month i'm being straight up my only committal right now is two

two shows a month if i can generate what my first goal will be on patreon monthly i will do two

shows a month it makes it something where i'm going to be more into making sure that i'm keeping

things updated like i need to be and being more involved and being there for you all right cool

so you can do that now there'll be more about that coming soon later on much later on um anyway so we

got numbers from big park man who i don't think enough but he hooks me up he's the he's one of

of the main reasons i remember to do a show because this guy sent me an email saying hey

doing anything columbus day morning here you go here's numbers like yeah awesome thanks he helps

us some other prankers including brad dude brad shows have been on fire lately man you got to

check out snowplow show if you're like just a casual madhouse listener and you're not into the

pla side of things and the brad carter side of things you got to definitely take that check out

my brother brad uh contribute to his patreon uh because he needs it and subscribe to his podcast

and his malarkey over there snowplow show phone losers.org should get to where you need to get

let's do a prank call because this is a prank call show and we're deep into this already

and all we've had is music and one kind of call we got a sales rep for a process like a country

contour products the fuck is that um okay all right so let me uh do that here we go doesn't

look good guys hi this is charlie i'm the project manager for the patent communication please leave

a message and i'll get back with you thank you at the town carpenter needed and said we got a

carpenter needed he uh carpenter needed what else can you say about that uh recommendation from

park band say that i'm a freelance carpenter right now who works with this guy named judas

and suspect that he's plotting against i don't read any of this until i'm doing the show and i

do that stuff on purpose i trust park band stuff and i just go with it i don't know hey how you

doing hey see you got a carpenter needed my name is jesus yeah okay yeah what can you tell me about

that brother i need framing i need framers you need to frame somebody okay you got any framing

any experience yeah yeah i did um my uh there's this guy lysol um and i used to work for my uh

my cousin sosa and lysol had done something to him very bad over drugs and uh basically

yeah yeah that's what i'm saying that's what i'm saying i'm getting to that please uh so

So Sosa was like, hey, look, man, this guy, Lysol, he brought me over to his house.

He said it was going to be for some kind of drug deal, and he did something very, very bad.

I'm like, what do you mean very bad?

And he's like, something very bad.

I'm like, okay, well, you don't have to tell me what is it, but what do you need me to do?

So he had me put on a mask and put black stuff on my face and my arms, and I put a lot of clothes on.

so i couldn't be seen a hoodie and he had me uh going to kentucky fried chicken and okay pull out

a gun like that and then i ran away like i was scared but anyway so um yeah then when i got

questioned about it i said it was lysol and lysol you know got in trouble for it and they never

caught me all right so you're a framer i got you all right you're hired good good um i've been

been working with this guy judas and he's like i think he's plotting against me so i think it

might be best to move on that's why i'm moving on all right so text me your name and number and i'll

put you on my list all right well go watch this right now my name is jesus got it okay you got

that i'll call you when the opening comes up hey um do you want me to oh i hung up on me i wasn't

gonna go into bread and wine and all that stuff that reminds me i'm a fat guy and i like to wear

suspenders to keep my pants up um i wear them well i've traditionally for the last about two

three years i've owned i've been owning pairs of uh suspenders that go they're designed to go under

your shirt so you can't see them i've got suspenders on but you can't see them the problem

being you always have to have your shirt tucked out um and it's i won't get into the mechanics of

it you know but you always have to have your shirt tucked out so i was like someone has to have a

strapless suspender out there so i start looking on the google and i came up with this guy named

james albright and he's a good old country boy and he i guess like he's he's all into this

he made a strapless suspenders and it's it's basically like a belt that goes it's like a

velcro big velcro strip with a piece a small piece of like fishing tubing not small but it's

It's like a piece of tubing sewn into it, kind of.

And it creates a little shelf, and you put it at your hip line, your waistline.

And then you get to wear pants with a belt, but then they stay.

Son of a bitch, I'm telling you, it's the greatest thing ever.

Like, they stay.

They stay like a motherfucker.

I love it.

I feel like a normal human being now, you know?

Because it's just the way my body is shaped.

It doesn't matter how, you know, what level of heavy I've been.

I'm a big guy.

but i've lost 60 70 pounds and in the last year and a half but um i just got that kind of overly

kind of shape to my body i don't have an ass for a puerto rican i don't have an ass so the pants

just all the time i'm constantly hiking up my pants hiking on my pants and i hate it so the

beauty of this is that the way it's designed i can tuck in my shirt all i want i feel great this

is great so anyway he's got like a video and he explains it let me see if i can pull up the video

here big old big he's like a big guy so he he sent his personal business card with the order

i don't think i'm gonna call him mess with him might be fun but let's see if i go to his website

dude his signature is like it's like a j and then a mountain and a cross and a triangle

and a and a and an arrow coming out of it that's just that's his signature he signed it himself

Anyway, let's go to Mr. Albright.

It was straight up just the big...

He's outside there.

I'm going to tell you how to do this.

This is how you do this.

Right here.

You take your pants off.

He unbuttoned his pants.

God damn.

Like, how do I...

All right, let me...

It's maybe my Gmail.

I've got the link to, like...

Or I've got a link off of his receipt.

Let's see.

What do they call...

Suspenders in here.

No sags.

There we go.

That's it.

N-O-S-A-G-G-S.

No Sags.

That's the name of the product.

And I'm endorsing them.

I'm endorsing them because I'll tell you what, motherfucker.

That was a good thing.

It works.

So you're a big guy.

And I'm saying even if you never worn suspenders before,

but you just find yourself, you're that kind of dude that has to pull his pants a lot.

Dude, do this.

Because I used to get teased by my wife and other people over it.

Here we go.

Let's play this.

And then we'll do calls.

My name is James Albright, the creator of the No Sags Hidden Belt and Pant Suspender.

We've been blessed to ship hundreds of these across the United States and even into some other countries.

We've had a few customers call and say, hey, how does this thing work and why does it work?

So that's why we're shooting this video so you can learn that.

The nose sag is basically a belt that's worn under the pants so it's out of sight.

It looks a little stiff, but it isn't.

Once you get it on, you forget you have it on.

Internally, there's a...

Bullshit, dude. I feel Velcro sometimes and it hurts like a motherfucker.

...tube that's just...

it's like velcro right on the side you know like your side area of your rib cage a little below

and when you're fat it's really like it's like sensitive that's a soft meat firm enough to

create a ridge it creates basically a fake rear that's worn in the back side and your outer belt

ends up riding on top of this ridge and that's how it works let me show you how to put it on

so here he's now he's unzipping his pants and i'm unbuttoning his pants get velcros in the front

it's very simple to put on oh my god the ridge goes in the back so he's not showing his underwear

just because i think he's purposely wearing a very long uh button-up t-shirt but if it wasn't

for that you'd probably be able to see old man dick the kind of like like the old guy at uh when

i used to go to planet fitness years ago and the old guy who just wanted to show his dick to

everybody all the time in the locker room the same level as you would normally wear your belt

or the waist of your pants grab the two tips between your thumb forefinger of opposite hand

oh yeah hold your tummy in a little bit pull it across velcro pull your pants up it'll you'll need

to pull your pants up just a slightly higher in the back so that that belt will end up on that

outer ridge that takes some of the sagging out of the back as well snug your belt up make sure

it's on top of that ridge oh shit oops it's on top of that ridge you got it that's all there is to

to it oh yeah get your no sex thank you welcome dude all right let's call no sags and let's call

is this called i'm gonna call the number on his uh business card that he sent me i'm gonna tell

him about that hot video i'm gonna share that in the in the united chat rooms also come on boy

hello yeah hi i was looking to talk to james albright i think you have the wrong number

Oh, shit.

Really?

He gave me a...

I'm sick.

He gave me a...

Oh, because you're the wrong area code.

I transpose numbers.

Oh, I'm stupid.

I'm sorry.

So how do you...

You're calling Tennessee.

Oh, hey.

Are you single?

No, I don't care about stuff like that.

Oh, maybe I kiss you all over.

Maybe you like it.

And we won't tell husband.

We won't tell husband.

Back in the 80s,

when we'd get phone calls from a guy just going,

you know,

know it used to happen a lot man this happened to my mom a lot she said she'd get calls and be

going ah ah so what was it just a thing in the 80s where he just picked up the phone and jerked

off and just called random numbers hoping some woman would be like oh i like this oh yeah oh

yeah oh this is hot like talking to heat but on the phone fucking 80s style fucking brad carter

style man jc got me this james hey big james how you doing bubble doing fine sir god damn yeah look

Look, I got them no-sags from you.

god holy god almighty god bless you sir i'll

I'll tell you what, that changed my life.

It changed my damn life, man.

You don't understand.

It was good.

I'm glad you really liked it.

You came up with it yourself with your whatever, you know?

How'd you come up with that?

Was it divine providence?

Well, actually, it was.

I prayed a solution, an alternative to suspenders, and that idea came to me.

Within about an hour, I had it down on paper.

man i'll tell you what i was wearing under the clothes suspenders for a long time because i

my wife she says i look bad and suspenders look like an old man she said so i i i and i'm no

expense sir but i i looked up on the google on the amazon they had uh under the clothes suspenders

and i wore them for three years and is uncomfortable my armpits will bleed sometimes

times and then they get loose you know and it just plain looks bad but the worst part brother

is that you can't uh wear an untucked shirt you can't you got to untuck your shirt every time

you know right and then i i got pulled aside by my boss and he said hey uh cross i really wanted

you to get this position but you know you come in and you don't want to dress like you know you

don't want to dress like everyone i'm like but i can't i told him look i don't have you know the

the kind of body shape for me to have to hike my pants,

hike my pants,

hack my pants,

you know?

So,

so I got on my knees and I prayed to God and in my head came cross.

Why are you keep thinking about under the clothes suspenders?

Why not just say it's the straps,

right?

It's the straps.

That's the problem,

right?

So I said,

strapless suspenders.

And I said,

this ain't going to work.

God,

Lord,

Jesus Christ,

put your website,

right in my face i find you on amazon over there and i i wore i've been wearing them now now the

one thing is the velcro does dig in you a little bit if you're not careful you know you got you

gotta watch it you gotta make sure you got your lines even up gotcha now have you did you round

the edges once you trimmed it uh well maybe that's what my problem is you know maybe that's what my

my goddamn problem is i don't know i don't know i um i saw your youtube video first you know okay

now and you if you do not not to interrupt you but i don't want you to i don't want to be

comfortable for you but that's the trick if you don't if you cut them the tips straight across

squared off because i used to do that in the beginning right and then you go to overlap it

Put it on.

If it's not perfectly straight, those little pointy tips will poke you.

So round them out, you're saying.

You're saying round them out.

Yeah, just take some scissors and round those edges off and knock those pointed tips off.

And that'll help a lot.

And then you are wearing it over an undershirt.

Oh, all the time.

I love my undershirt.

Yeah, because I sweat under the, I got them, you know, the man breasts.

I'm sorry to say that, but I got those.

and you know you know how the sweat gets under there and then it gets on the shirt and i can't

have that i live in florida so you know how hot it gets in here florida where you at bubba you're

in texas or something yes sir kind of kind of west central west texas god bless it all right

all right well hey i'm glad you're liking it thanks so real quick i saw your video you know

before i bought and you demonstrate the whole thing like how to put it on and everything um

now my favorite part was when you unbutton your pants and your zipper you pulled it down and you

put it around you you know okay because i could see your body down there and i i became sexually

sexually excited myself no no yeah so let's not go there sir let's not but um why you wore a long

shirt do you have a copy where you wore a short shirt so i could see the private parts a little

bit okay we're gonna have to end this conversation but oh how big are your how big is how big are

your sexual organs i appreciate your business all right well i was just wondering because

oh you're cute oh he hung on the phone i'm a gay guy he ain't gay i knew he was jesused out

because the signature has a mountain with the cross on it i don't know if he's trying to show

what the whatever the name of the mountain calvary that where jesus got got got the cross oh man i've

been holding on to that idea for a while i feel bad i i almost didn't want to because he was being

and so nice but uh yeah i think he was gonna ask me for a testimonial but when it wasn't going that

way i said fuck it let's let's that's my thing man like i like to fly the plane and then let's

get goofy let's get fucky turn the turn it the the fucking yoke and go right to the mountain

it's funny airplanes are funny uh back to park man uh hang on new new new new give me a second

it nina's on the big board he always got silly numbers good he's got the number for the italian

guy who put the mentos and the pepsi the vafanculo guy that's gonna play on today's break trying it

see i don't think it's gonna answer nina he's supposed to be open for another 18 minutes maybe

he's busy you know with the till let it ring out while i get the next one ready there's mr george

jackson which he always wants me to call and the guy never picks up for me i don't think have i

ever talked to george jackson he sends it to every show hello hello george yeah how big are your

sexual organs hey uh i'm sorry i'm sorry um did you have a problem with your water were you calling

about a problem with your water no um we have a report i'm with the united water machines we

handle the water system here where you live uh for amina way and there's a problem with brown

There's brown water coming out.

Can you flush your toilet and see if it flushes clear or if it's brown?

Yeah, mine's all right, yeah.

Can you flush it now?

This just happened, sir.

There was an explosion and it destroyed the water main, the main...

No, I can't do it now at the moment.

I need you to flush the loo, motherfucker.

It's important.

No.

Yes, yes.

What are you doing upstairs?

You don't have a toilet upstairs?

I've got a toilet upstairs and I'm downstairs.

Oh, do you have a...

But I've got no toilet downstairs.

Okay, so downstairs, what do you do?

Do you shit in a pot, in a chamber pot?

Why don't you go and grind your fucking self?

Why don't you stick your head up a bear's asshole?

Oh, I remember this guy.

I did talk to him once, yeah.

That's exactly what he said.

He said, why don't I go do it myself?

He said that on, like, this was about two shows ago, guys.

Why don't you go do it yourself?

So am I the first to talk to him?

Tell me, who was the original George Jackson caller?

Huh? Tell me.

Or was it Matt, and then did I get sloppy seconds?

Having sex with James Albright, Big Bubba James.

Kissing James all over his mouth.

Busy.

The Italian immigrant guy's phone is busy now.

I called once.

Maybe he recognized the way the number came through and suspected it was me again.

I gotta get over the sexual organs thing.

I'm obsessed with it.

and it's not that funny i mean i've been beating that whole sexual organ joke to death it's been

dead it's a bloody pulp right now my mash all of it do cardings in the chat room it said listen um

it's not ding timber it's not big timber i'll take a look don't worry about it i'll take a

look see what we got in there see if there's any more left not doing the chicago ones don't even

try all right telling guy doesn't want to pick up he left it off the hook for a little bit there

Here's another irregular number from Nunu.

This is for the Raintree.

A woman went around with no pants and smashed up her room and blamed it on vampires.

Wait a minute.

Did you send that before?

No one called as vampire yet to apologize.

Oh, I remember the vampire stuff.

Yes.

I said the whole thing that there's a bat in there.

Here we go.

Raintree in.

Hello.

How are you?

I'm good.

Good, good.

Is there a room that I could stay in?

And there was an event that happened there with a woman, I guess, you know, the breaking of things.

We don't have to get too into it.

But I would like to stay in this room.

You don't have to tell me where my room number is until I get there.

I mean, I'm going to come with my ID and my credit card, and you can put the hold.

And, you know, I will cover incidentals and everything.

I just, I really would like to stay in this room just for myself, you know.

I want to.

I'm sorry?

I said, are you serious?

Yeah, yeah, it's specifically this room, and it's really just, it's going to be like a seance that I want to do.

I want to connect to that dark evil power that existed there during this event.

No, really.

No, really, this room now has a dark evil power in it, and I want to collect it.

I want to harness it.

I do this a lot.

You see, I go to, like, hotel rooms where celebrities have been found murdered,

committed suicide, and I go in there and I perform this ritual there.

That's definitely not a...

I harness the dark energy.

I've stayed in five different rooms that Charles Manson stayed in previously.

I stayed in the home where the Wonderland murders happened back in the 1970s.

I don't know if you remember that.

How did you hear about her?

Just through, I am in a community of people who like to harness and channel power through our seance.

And this has been making the rounds.

I know some of them have already stayed in the room.

Huh?

Some of them have said that they've been interested in staying in the room.

I think maybe one person has already.

I don't think so, though.

Nobody has stayed in that room because we have it shut down.

Okay.

I recently stayed at the hotel room that Sam Cook, I don't know if you've heard of him.

He was a rock and roll singer, like Chuck Berry kind of guy.

He was shot in a hotel room.

I've stayed in there several times.

I don't want to describe the ritual itself.

It doesn't bring any damage to the room.

There's no flames involved.

Evolve, it's basically kind of like a lot of sexual touching,

seancing, reading books.

We don't use candles anymore.

We use electric candles or just a light, a candle, wax,

but it's no flame, flameless candles.

So you want to...

Wack off.

Well, it's not that.

No, no, it's not that.

It's a transfer of energy.

There's a part of your chakra when that event happens,

and you become one with your surroundings,

and that's one way that you do that have you stayed here before no no no i travel and and do

these things i travel i see media cases where so-and-so was raped or murdered or abused in a

room or certain satanic things have been found then i go there and like no i don't even use the

bed i stay on the ground the whole time that's a little bit weird like i said no no harm come to

to the room no fires nothing like that it's just it's it's it's dark it's it's satanic but no

now you can't say because i want to perform what is my religion to me you can't deny me that i know

my rights i mean you have a a paper on the back of your door that details rights and you know that

you can't say because i'm of a certain religion and i need to perform a religious ritual which

which is non-damaging.

But when we have that room shut down,

I can't allow you to stay in that room.

But why is it shut down?

That's what I'm asking.

Is it available?

Is it shut down still?

You're still repairing it.

No.

I would love to go in there now and see, you know.

Maybe just give me 15 minutes in that bathroom, you know.

I'm Jeff McGee.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I kind of figured it was you because it sounded a lot like you.

Oh, hey.

How are you doing?

Do you know who this is?

Who's this?

this i think i know huh i think i know who is this why did he say that you didn't stay here before

then you know who i am i think i do but i'm not sure and i don't want to say in case i'm wrong

the two girls that were here when you came here and stayed the day that lisa stayed

okay i thought you were lisa no lisa don't work here oh yeah yeah but i'm sorry yeah but there

were the two girls that were there is that you you're one of them do you remember our names

Not really.

We work here.

I know, I know.

Like, I really wanted to, like, have you come to the room.

But you told me that you hadn't been here before, but we knew who you were.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, I really wanted you, both of you, to come to the room, you know?

You know what I mean?

So just kind of lay down and sit on my face a little bit.

All right, well, I have something I want to talk to you about.

Hey, boy.

That's my guy.

Don't call me boy.

Oh, hey, is your mom hot?

Do you want to get your ass beat?

Do you ever masturbate thinking about her?

Do you ever sniff her panties while you masturbate in the shower?

Come here right now.

People will fuck out of you.

You're not going to do shit, little boy.

All right?

Come and see.

How many pimples do you have?

How many pubic hairs do you have now, little boy?

You don't even sound intimidating, dude.

Well, I'll find out.

You sound pretty femme to me.

What are you going to do?

How do you fight?

Tell me.

How do you fight?

How do you put your fist?

Tell me.

how do you align your fist to fight properly you don't even know tell me where does your thumb go

hmm you don't know do you you don't you don't you can't fight brother don't even start with me okay

this is between me and you and your mom and we're gonna fuck all right don't be jealous

your mom likes to get it in too i command you to answer yellow

they're muted they're still connected let's go motherfucker it might be a deadline though

All right, there we go.

We'll call back.

Hey, can you put little boy on the phone again?

He got chicken and ran away.

This is a business, and...

So?

Business answers the phone.

That's what the business does.

Right, that you need to call.

He challenged me.

So is he hiding from behind Mama?

Is he hiding behind...

Mama!

Hide me.

Hide me, Mama.

Me, me, Mama.

Is that what's going on?

Is he sucking his thumb in the corner?

I don't think so.

Why'd you raise him like a girl?

I didn't raise him like a girl.

He sure sounds like one.

You must feel it, though.

You know where we're at.

Tell me you feel it.

You know where we're at.

Tell me you don't feel it.

You know where we're at.

Yeah, I know where you're at, but where's he at?

Hiding?

He's right here.

Sucking his thumb?

No.

Behind?

Mama.

Mama, no.

Mama, he want, he mean mama.

That's him.

Raised him like a girl.

Yep.

Got all tough on the phone, but when I brought it up, how do you make a fist to punch?

He doesn't even know.

He got all scared.

He's like, oh, no, man.

I'll tell you what.

what i know karate shout out the giant okay i don't eat that shit put little boy on the phone

i said you know where we're at he can hear me right i'm on speaker he can hear me hey you're

hiding behind your mom hey little pussy boy come on tell me how you punch tell me how do you put

your fist and your knuckles and how do you punch tell me that's a weird question well it's true

right you don't know how do you even know how to make a fist and you're supposed to medication

You're supposed to fight me.

What's up with your head?

You want to know my impersonation of you fighting me?

I show up.

You go, oh, and you poop your pants a little bit.

And then you're like, oh, 911, 911, come help me.

My mama and me are in trouble.

We made the guy mad.

He come here, mama, mama.

Mama, can you help me?

You're crazy.

Yeah, that's what's going to happen.

You're crazy.

Yeah, okay.

We'll see.

I'll be right there.

And we'll see, okay?

Okay?

Get ready.

Okay.

Get ready, mama.

All right.

Mama, mama.

All right.

Okay.

All right.

Bye, breastfeeding.

Still breastfeeding.

Bye, still breastfeeding family.

Bye.

Jesus Christ.

Fuck them.

Mama.

Help me, mama.

And now we got something else to work with, with that rain tree in.

And that's from making the rounds.

Here's the other George Jackson.

And after this, we'll be getting two Parkman numbers.

Thank you.

Mama.

oops that's not that number what the fuck is that

hello you're not available now shut up all right all right nunu there you go you already quit nunu

already quit the web's the the chat so why am i even trying anymore bye okay

Okay.

Ba-bam, ba-bam, ba-bam, ba-bam, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, back to the notepad.

Plus, plus, plus, plus, plus, plus.

E-e-e-e-e-e-e-e.

Okay.

Two-man carpet crew.

Let me double-check my cholerid.

Okay, it's good.

Uh, two-man carpet crew, the suggestion is you're not used to sharing carpet with another guy.

Will he be eating pussy, too?

Will he touch my...

All circuits are busy now.

All circuits are busy.

My penis my penis. Did you say I don't have that drop anymore

Thank you nephew for deleting it on accident

Guards to the Craigslist and I'm running for flooring

I missed you. You'd be a fat fuck and a three and a two and one

Thank you for calling you've reached Paul in regards to the Craigslist and I'm running for flooring and carpet installers

Sorry, I missed you. I must be on the other line. I'll call you back for my office

Let me call back, grab that number, make it so you guys can't hear, fuckers.

Unless you're listening on Shoutcast.

Hee hee hee, that's the trick.

I mean, Mixer's okay.

Shoutcast.

Guards.

Yeah, hi, this is Paul.

Who am I speaking with?

Hey, Paul, how you doing?

Good, how's this?

I was just calling back, see if I could get that number again, because you gave it out so fast.

How you doing, big guy?

My name is Cross.

crawls so you got a two-man carpet crew you're looking to get going there yeah i'm on the other

line can i call you back from my office in a few minutes oh what do you what five hey hey uh give

me give me a second can you just give me a second let me write that down all right bubba i swear to

god just be a second all right all right thanks thanks buddy hang on hang on oh we got a problem

here pen don't work you know what i mean goddamn pen goddamn pen motherfucker shit i'm working on

of bobby don't don't go anywhere please poppy okay don't oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit all

right are you there okay uh yeah go ahead sir he went because i said oh shit oh shit

all right we'll put that back as a callback maybe from a different caller id all right uh

bucket operator for tree trimmers the recommendation machine is that the cops took my bucket truck away

because i used it for masturbating while people are peeking at girls well tell me you guys haven't

thought about that motherfuckers i read a erotic story about that once hello hey how you doing

how are you doing oh i'm good i'm good thank you brother thanks hey um just checking out here you

got a job in the peppa for bucket operators for truck trimmer tree trimmer tree trimmer yeah yeah

Yeah, so what can I say to you about, you know, what you want to do with me with that thing?

Oh.

What kind of experience do you have?

Well, I had five years' experience with Duke Energy operating a bucket truck going up.

I was a lineman, you know.

That's good.

I got pulled off a truck, though.

Cops got involved, pulled me off a truck because of an altercation.

Okay.

I was, there was a hurricane that come through down in South Florida and I was putting up some new, you know, just some new stuff up on one of the poles and had the bucket truck up there.

We're resetting the jack, you know, and I was for a three phase customer.

And then like the whole thing shut down the bucket.

Like, I don't know what happened.

The truck went, none of the electronics started working.

So I'm up there like a good hour, you know, getting hungry, getting hot is the beach.

You know, we're talking now in Fort Lauderdale beach.

it gets hot so i started taking off my clothes i was hot i was sweating up there had no water

in middle of july taking off my clothes and everything i was out of my underwear and i

guess some people didn't really like the idea that i was a half-naked man up you know on a

public beach like that um so lifeguard done come up and say hey i'm gonna call the beach patrol

if you don't start putting on some clothes and i'm like you am effing this you know because it's

It's hot up here, and I'm stuck, and it's not fair, and I got the union behind me, you know, like that.

And he started shaking his fist at me and stuff.

So the only thing I needed to do was I pulled down my underwear, and I started touching my penis in front of him.

I was delirious.

I had severe sun poisoning at that point, severely dehydrated, and heat stroke was going on.

I mean, I was out of it.

My blood sugar was low.

I was diabetic because I didn't eat something for three hours.

They kept saying, well, we're going to get it fixed.

We're going to get it fixed.

so anyway i got in trouble because like the lifeguard was like i gotta call police ma you're

a motherfucker like that he was saying to me uh he was throwing got coconuts at me and everything

saying stop touching yourself stop touching yourself and i was like hey everybody look at

this look at this it's like yeah they were looking so long story short uh beach patrol shows up and

And they told me from down there on the megaphone, like, when we fix this, when you get this rock fixed and you come down, you're going to do this, that, we're going to do this, that, you motherfucker, like that he said to me.

So then I said, then I'm going to jump.

I can't take it anymore.

I'm going to jump.

So I jumped, landed right into a sand dune.

And miraculously, I just broke a hip, broke my left ankle, left hip, and some ribs.

That's all that happened.

and i got some rotator cuff damage and that's it you're still there yeah i'm still here all right

yeah so that's what happened to me i got pulled off a truck doing

tree work at the time or what were you doing oh well at the

time i wasn't on the vegetation crew then i had been on vegetation crew which is you know base

your basic you know removal of vegetation from the side of the road and from away from the power

main power line distribution sign lines and all that and also containing uh vegetation around the

transformer boxes uh then i got moved up to lineman work and that was basically you know we get

dispatched out there was a down line or a jack that went down or or you know one of them transformers

phase down machines up there went down uh i was the man i go up there in the truck you know

know resplash lines and set jacks up there you know we do a lot of pole pole replace although

my favorite is replacing the pole oh yeah yeah you should go to my facebook i got a picture me

when i used to do all that i got one funny one we were putting up a new pole and the pole sticking

up out of the out of the air you know them poles go up good damn 10 20 feet sometimes and what i

did was i like i like put my crotch on it you know like i was like leaning back you know and like it

It was like my, you know, real hard, sticking out like that.

Yeah, it was a good shot.

That was good.

I got a picture of that on there.

It was real funny.

Oh, we used to have fun back then, man.

There he goes.

Yeah, that was great.

Hope you guys liked that.

I had fun with that one, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Let's get real, guys.

Firework time.

All right.

Oh, boy.

Let's see what's next, guys.

turn what up what volume you need you want music volume carlos volume uh collar volume you let me

know bubba i usually turn the collar volume down a little bit because it gets really loud but uh

there we go curlito up dude come on guys now you're just fucking with me now everything's

blasting working on it working on it dump tuck dump truck driver oh yeah real quick alexa volume

volume 10 alexa volume 10 alexa play it's raining tacos there you guys go hope it got somebody

don't oh come on come on who's calling now man these motherfuckers there's this fucking temp

agency that keeps calling me like motherfucker i got a career i work no fucking temp agency

bullshit i'm way over that man i'm the fucking man bro fucking triple certification motherfucker

the fuck are working all that shit get the fuck out of here shit fucking the king of prank calls

anywhere on the side now we got that patreon money coming in look at me i'm doing my big

hasa thing because you know i steal all the patreon money from myself hello how you doing

yeah hi dump truck start jump truck driver job in the pepper yes oh yeah hey man so i had to quit

my job can i tell you why okay man these people that i came on and i was like yeah i get a certain

percentage i made it up you know after the whole thing i just said hey i was supposed to get paid

money and i didn't get paid no money motherfucker yeah and i worked for them i said i worked for

them for a year and i was only there for three months and i quit four times that three months

Okay.

So you got a job for a drunk truck driver in the Peppa?

Yes.

Okay.

I was fired for dumping trash in my ex-wife's front lawn, my last job.

Is this a joke, sir?

No, no, I was.

No, it was a really bad time.

I was really emotional.

And I'm diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which really means nothing, you know what I mean?

But they had me on drugs, and I should not have been driving, but I was.

house and yeah, I dumped a whole, the whole load of trash. And like, I finished my whole rounds for

that day. And I went to my ex-wife's house cause she was like, you know what she said? I had to

return some stuff back to her. Okay. During the divorce, after the divorce, I got a PIPA from the

sheriff saying you need to return blankets and this and that TV remote television. So I put all

the clothes and blankets in a bag. And you know, she said that I sent a piece of toilet paper that

that used a piece of toilet paper in there, there is no way I would have done that.

She lied.

And she told all the people at work, all, like, over 30 people at work,

yeah, he used toilet paper.

He was so angry that he had to add, like, I don't care.

I don't need those clothes.

You know what I mean?

If I'm going to get a woman, she's not going to be wearing that size.

Hello?

I mean, mid-age crisis, 48 here.

I got to get some pussy, you know?

So, yeah, so when I heard that, I was like, oh, you want some SHIT?

i said in your in your house from me and i told the guys i said listen um i'm going to take this

action if any of you would like to file a former complaint uh the time the time to do so is now

everyone if anyone who is is with me step take a step forward and all my guys step forward from

the truck all that were with me to this day all those guys were with me so we went over there and

and we dropped the whole thing on our front lawn over on Horse Machine Ranch Road.

Just left it.

Anything else?

Huh?

Do what now?

Anything else?

No, that's it.

That's it.

So, I mean, can we maybe work it out, you know?

I mean, I've got good references now.

I mean, I got fired, but my manager will give me, my old boss will give me a good reference.

Okay.

It's just when the drinking is what gets me.

Oh, and I like sniffing glue.

Okay.

But we're going to pass, okay?

No, you can't.

I know my rights

And you have to

At least let me

Fill out an application

Go ahead

I'm filling it out

It's online

Well

You have to look at it

And I want to know

Right now

I want to know

Right now

Listen motherfucker

You I need a job

Yeah

Let me try to call him back

But he won't pick up

He won't pick up

Damn, I should set that shit up myself, right?

I'll see you soon, Sly

Amen, the blind man

Alright, working on that audio problem there

A little low, some people

A mixler saying apparently

Just made an adjustment

Let me know this gets better, please, thank you

Alright, spa repair tech

i'm not even i'm not even reading what it says he's gonna call it about the little audio we got

it now man we got it calling slash fools how can i help you i don't know i see you got a job in the

for a spa repair tech uh yeah hold on one second all right all right hey big brian how you doing

big boy how's it going all right so you got a job in the peppa for spa repair tech spa repair tech

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I like to do that.

Okay.

I like spas.

I like water.

I like salts.

Okay.

Do I get to repair the spa before or after the customer is there?

I'm sorry?

Like, what kind of, I mean, are there, like, plug spas and stuff with all the water?

Hot tubs?

Yeah, I got work with hot tubs.

Yeah, I do a lot of work with hot tubs.

What brands are you familiar with?

Oh, I mean, we would go to different sets.

You know what Airbnb is?

Air?

Yeah.

All right, so what it is, it's an internet service where you can put your rental property up there and you rent it out for a weekend or your house or something like that, you know, basically.

So, yeah, I mean, I will go to these places with a camera crew and some girls and, you know, we get in the hot tub, you know, for camera.

I don't have to get into the particulars about it.

I mean, you know, that's rude.

But all types of them.

So, like, when they would break down, I would, you know, fix them.

You know, I would fix all of them, you know.

Chemwar.

Craftsman I worked on.

I worked on a couple of Suzuki and Yamaha brand.

Yeah.

Awesome.

Yeah, I played a spa repair tech in a porno film a few times, basically.

So, do I get to repair the spa before or after I have sexy time with a girl?

Whatever floats your boat, man.

Insertion.

When do you come in and fill out an application?

What I really want to do is, like, when they have the spa plugged up with the dirty water,

I like to, like, take maybe, like, a gallon of that water, you know, take it home.

Okay.

And masturbate with it.

Masturbate while I pour it on myself and drink it and smell it.

Mm-hmm.

What's your name?

Cross.

I'm sorry?

Cross.

Like Jesus Cross.

Cross.

Okay.

What's your name, Bobo?

Brian?

Big Brian?

You like to eat?

How big a boy are you?

Oh, you know.

you know i know who you are because i know you're a big boy i know big brian come on man how you

doing man you know who it is who come on you know who it is no i don't oh well i want to kiss you

and suck on your nips suck on your teats a little bit my nice little piggy boy yeah i want to lick

you all over lick your face smell your skin there you go you masturbating now it sounds like you

wall. What's that noise? It sounds like masturbation. Okay. Apartment maintenance fired from last

apartment job for stealing panties from female residents. Look at that. I was almost going

to say that about this last one. Good idea. Hi, you got apartment maintenance job in the

the peppa yes oh wow thank god god bless you also sir i'd like to start off with that i've been

praying i got on my knees this morning i was like lord please help me find a job in the peppa

that i could do and i i did apartment maintenance in virginia up until a month ago and i moved i

moved here i don't have a home i live out of my car i've been looking for work you know i was

trying to get to branson missouri and i didn't make it that far yeah i got as long you've been

been doing apartment maintenance uh 10 years of spare apartment maintenance back in the good old

days you know back in the good old days wait say that again now back in the good old days i did

apartment maintenance back in the good old days good good 15 20 years yeah how long ago was that

i started in 95 took a break from it from 2000 to 2006 because of the recession and then after

after that got wrapped back into it and i just i just lost my job last month because of what

happened what happened well i mean are you gonna hold it against me i mean do you you promise you

don't want well i mean i don't i don't know what it was all right well i i had a thing where i

would go in to do maintenance especially the laundry maintenance i always took those tickets

you know uh facility calls and stuff so a lot of times like you would get uh it started out with

if like the the the water wouldn't drain you know there was one lady she had a laundry machine and

it wouldn't drain it would just soak so it was full of the dirty water and i would keep i would

take like some of the dirty water for myself i had like a sexual thing with it you know um but

i'm okay now i'm okay i i i'm okay now i gotta help um the the big problem was was the panty

problem i guess these people they have cameras in their in the apartments now some of them they put

these cheap chinese cameras and there was i was coming in i was just coming during the day because

they didn't have a pet so i'll come in during the day and i'd go through their dirty lot because

she was a beautiful woman oh my god she was a brazilian woman she had nice big breasts and

nice big butts and all that you know and so i would smell her clothes like it started off i

would just smell her blouse you know and she smells so good she smelled like candy you know

um but i would never but then i stole like dirty underwear yeah yeah i'm okay now i'm okay now i

got help i got help i got jesus now okay uh i'm i've been praying i get down on my knees i pray

I said, Lord, please keep these bad things from coming to my mind about having sex.

Okay, man.

Look, I've got a hardware store, and I've got to go.

I appreciate you calling.

I believe that's going to disqualify you.

You know what hardware makes me think about?

What?

Oh.

Disqualified.

But I'm good now.

I am good now.

I'm good now.

A lot of good numbers here.

So we're about at a good halfway point now, I think.

Let me look at what the music looks like here.

All right, we'll give it another 10, 15 minutes, and I'll take a break,

come back, do an hour, and we're done.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Caregiver.

Caregiver job.

Do you care for elderly females?

Can I bring my own little pen?

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system, too.

Retry.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system, too.

All right, you're not getting an answer there.

Moving on to crane operator.

Caw, caw.

Can I take the crane home after work?

You know how to make it go.

Vroom, vroom, beep, beep.

So you want me to be silly?

Is that what you're saying?

You're saying I'm a funny guy?

What the fuck?

Why am I so funny?

Tell me what the fuck.

I love that scene from frickin' Goodfellas.

Now I want to hear it.

Let me pull it up.

Fuckin' Joe Pace.

The way he says that.

No, no, no.

You said I'm funny.

It is Goodfellas.

Funny guy.

Thank you for calling Arboretum Tree Service.

We are either away from our desk or shoving it up your ass.

All right.

Here's the funny guy scene.

This is three minutes, 53 seconds per YouTube.

Let's see.

Let's see if it has one of those fucking intros that are so annoying.

To go, can I show some fucking username group bullshit that no one knows about.

out don't you hate that shit no one cares play the fucking shit and promote your shit at the

end god damn it it looks like we're gonna play what's really funny is the fucking bank job away

in sea caucus i'm in the middle of the fucking weeds laying down he comes over he said what

are you doing i said i'm resting here you're resting on a fucking beach in a park i said i'm

resting i know i'm resting i'm resting they pull me in they start giving me all kinds of questions

you know all this and i says oh uh so what are you gonna tell us real quick first of all all the

guys in this scene they're just it's a fucking stupid joke it doesn't even ever make sense to

me it's not a funny joke they're all like we're gonna laugh paul yeah my usual zero nothing i tell

you the fuck he said no you're gonna tell me something today tough guy i said all right i'll

tell you something go fuck your mother you saw the paper anthony my head was up like this

so now i'm coming around you know i start to come out of it who do i see in front of me this big

prick again he says oh what do you want to tell me now tough guy i said bing what are you doing

Fuck your mother.

I thought he was going to shit.

Oh, Pete.

What the fuck is...

Gee, I wish I was big just once.

We're the big cops.

We're really funny.

What do you mean I'm funny?

It's funny, you know.

It's a good story.

It's funny.

You're a funny guy.

What do you mean?

You mean the way I talk?

What?

It's just, you know, you're just funny.

It's funny. It's funny, you know, the way you tell the story and everything.

Funny how? I mean, what's funny about it?

Tommy, no, you got it all wrong.

Oh, Anthony, he's a big boy. He knows what he said. What'd you say?

Funny how?

What?

Just, you know, you're funny.

You mean, let me understand this, because I don't know, maybe it's me, I'm a little fucked up, maybe.

But I'm funny how? I mean, funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you, I make you laugh, I'm here to fucking amuse you.

What do you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny?

Just, you know how you tell the story.

No, no, I don't know. You said it. How do I know? You said I'm funny.

How the fuck am I funny? What the fuck is so funny about me?

No, I don't know. You said it. How do I know? You said I'm funny.

How the fuck am I funny? What the fuck is so funny about me?

Tell me. Tell me what's funny.

Get the fuck out of here. Tell me.

You motherfucker. I almost had him. I almost had him.

You stuttering prick, yeah?

Frankie, was he shaking?

I wonder about you sometimes, Henry.

You may fold under questioning.

I could play the next, the rest of this scene where the guy gets beat up.

But hey, let's get back to the show.

What the fuck, man?

I love that shit.

One that we quote at work a lot is the shine box one.

Let me see if I can play that now.

The shine box where the one guy gets out.

Right, he gets out of prison.

After a few years, he's in the bar.

And then Tommy shows up here with Hank Hill.

Who I actually got to talk to.

it was Hank Hill's bar right

Hank Hill the real Hank Hill I got to interview him

it was a shitty interview I did a bad job

Dino from Syndicate was like hey man you're our best

interviewer on Syndicate Radio

I'm gonna give you Hank Hill and I did it and

it was like a last minute thing I didn't have any

prep and after it I just thought about

so much fucking shit I should have talked to him about

about fucking broads back in the day

and all that

he was mostly his answers of course

yeah yeah yeah

rest in peace Hank Hill

anyway here let's hear

uh they go home and get your shine box always dream the boy i love would skip the music you

know we haven't seen you six fucking years how you doing billy he's a christ almighty

you're terrific watch this suit watch this suit you little freak yeah hey i know you all my life

all right good we're getting too big on me don't go busting my balls billy okay

hey tommy if i'm gonna break your ball that day to go home and get your shine box

oh this kid was great i used to call him spit shine tommy i swear to god henry hill i'm sorry

did i say hank hill henry hill thank you for uh correction on mixer chat you win five manhouse

dollars like fucking mirrors excuse my language he was terrific he was the best he made a lot of

money too it's all over tommy one more shines billy what i said no more shines maybe you didn't

hear about it you've been away a long time they didn't go up there and tell you i don't shine

shoes anymore relax will you fuck right now it's what's what's got into you i'm breaking your balls

a little bit that's all i'm only kidding with you sometimes you don't sound like you're kidding you

know there's a lot of people right i mean i'm only kidding with you we're having a party i mean i

just came home i haven't seen you in a long time and i'm breaking your balls and you're right away

you're getting fucking fresh i'm sorry i don't know getting fresh i gotta start using it there

was a little while while i brought that day so don't be fresh with me that's like an old time

term i gotta bring that back fresh don't get the fuck is that about fresh don't get fresh

trash they'll be edible the fuck you talking about then you i'm sorry it's okay no problem

i'll go home and get your fucking shine box

you get the point and then later on he comes back and he kills him and he stabs him and he's like

your mother i'm gonna shine now what the fuck are you and uh it's a good movie good fellas guys

guys. Check that out. And Henry Hill, man. Henry Hill. I'll never forget Henry Hill. He was on the

phone. He was calling into the Howard Stern Show. He was in prison. Wasn't Henry Hill? I swear to

God, I thought it was. Henry Hill was in prison for a little while. He was old as fuck, and he

was on those cell phone pay phones in prison. Collect calling Biggie. Jesus Christ, Carlos.

Collette calling Howard Stern's show

and he's on the air

and Gilbert Gottfried's in

god damn I miss

Gilbert Gottfried on the Stern show those were the good days

but then uh

this black guy just kicked him off the phone

man motherfucker get off the phone man

it's my turn to get off the phone you better do it

and uh

Gilbert Gottfried just started going into like the

black face fucking talking

like hey dude get off the phone

now oh my god

i haven't been able to find a copy of that on youtube i have no idea when that was early 2000s

late 90s i gotta look that up henry hill howard stern show gilbert godfrey it just oh it was so

fun anyway enough about stern he's a traitor he betrayed he betrayed podcasters he betrayed

people like me who were fans of him since i was 15 and it shows crap anyway now and that's coming

from a man like i said started listening i'm 38 right now started listening to howard stern when

when i was 15 fucking years old made the jump to serious when he did dedicated daily listener up

until maybe about three years ago then it became i catch it every once in a while now look up rd

lang talking about howard stern on youtube and you'll figure out why it's all there and then

the fact that he went off on podcasts was like myself saying that we're shit basically that

podcasting is shit howard stern is a man who usually shits on whatever medium he's going to

to go on next like you did with satellite radio for example you shit on it until you had to go

there i imagine at some point you're gonna see a howard stern podcast with a video and this and

you pay to get in and no one's gonna give a fuck and he's gonna be saying oh this podcasting is the

future like yeah no shit everyone else knows that including arty lang all right chill chill

prank calls homies right let's do it homies love this fucking song this song right here uh played

during my senior prom and this is when I told girlfriend hey my parents aren't

gonna be home till midnight let's leave this whack-ass fucking prom and go home

and fuck and she said okay that's fucking 112 I got mad respect for 112

they got me late that night man that's the first time I 69 a girl that night

tell you what I don't look back since crane operators done I guess let's try

that red lobster server again still a raw doctor that night hey hey gary oh that's shit again hang

on don't tell me where you are lobster baton

Baton Rouge, this is Gary.

Let me help you.

Hey, Big Gary.

Are you the manager?

Yes, I'm one of the managers.

I'm calling about Red Lobster Server, a job you put in the PEPA.

Okay.

Can I explain my experience, see if you think I'd be a good fit?

Yeah, let me mention this.

Have you gone online and filled out an application yet?

Well, I have questions before I finish that.

Okay.

I'm in the process.

So, first of all, you guys aren't involved with Darden Restaurant anymore.

There's a full split now, is that correct?

That's correct. It's been over four years now.

All right, because I'm from Orlando, and I used to work for Darden Corporate,

and we had a really bad falling out regarding sexual harassment suit.

No, it wasn't my fault. It was her fault.

So I just want to make sure that right there, you know, is out of the way.

Well, we're no longer with the company, but we still keep up the same standards that Darden had.

Well, I understand.

One of their companies from, yes, so we don't deal with any of that either.

Well, they, we had a bad breakup because she was coming on to me all the time.

Well, I got to, well, let's just keep this out of the conversation.

Whatever happened, happened in the past.

Uh-huh.

You know, but, you know, we have real strict standards that we abide by with Red Lobster.

Uh-huh.

And I think a lot of Darden, and they have some real high standards.

Whatever happened to you is the past.

I'm not really concerned about it.

Okay.

But we do have openings for servers right now.

Let's talk about the future.

Well, let me just let you know.

I'm going to tell you what's available at this point.

We have positions available now.

You go online.

You go to www.redlobster.com.

You can fill out an application there.

Once you fill out that application, if you want to call me to set up an interview, my name is Gary.

I'm the general manager here.

Yeah, thank God they put an R in your name.

I'm sorry?

Just thank God they put an R in your name, just a little joke, just to break the ice.

That's all.

That's cool.

My name is Gary, G-A-R-Y.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Hey, so, I mean, do you have system admin, or are you working on SQL servers, or what exactly?

What do you like to work with? Is there a preference that you like?

SQL. I'm good at it. I have experience with SQL.

Well, ours is a real simple, simple system.

It is probably one of the most simple systems in the entire restaurant industry in the United States.

Right.

And it's very, very easy to learn.

So if you're interested in, you know, if it's high-tech where you came from, we have a real simplistic system.

Real simplistic.

All right.

Do you have proxy servers, mail servers?

We got everything you need to do your job.

That's irrelevant when it comes to a server.

What else can I help you with?

Well, I mean, this is a server position, so I'm trying to find out.

I mean, am I going to be admitting a mail server?

Is it a web server?

Is it your database, FTP server?

It's irrelevant what you want to do.

All you've got to do is just, it's the most simplest system I've ever seen in the 35 years I've been in the restaurant business.

That's pretty simple.

Real simple.

You'll have no problem learning it at all whatsoever.

Have you worked at McDonald's?

I've never worked at McDonald's in my entire life.

Well, then let's not get carried away that it's simple because McDonald's just has pictures.

All right, well, good.

All right.

So what I'm trying to ask is your servers there at your location, are you guys working on open source software, virtual servers?

That's irrelevant to our conversation at this point, sir.

I don't understand.

I'm just trying to find out what kind of platforms you guys support to see if I'm a good fit,

because I don't know some stuff.

I don't know AIX.

Okay, well, let me do this right now.

I'm going to end our conversation.

Why, motherfucker?

Fill out the application.

Motherfucker, why?

And then...

Doesn't wanna fuck without a condom

But I got night news for you

Yeah, we won't stop

Uh-uh, uh-uh

Fuck yeah

97 in the house, motherfucker

Carlito Papa Cherry's motherfucker

Yeah, class of 97

Pine Ridge High, go Panthers

Alright, Ichiban Sushi Hostess

Seriously, this position is comical

Read the posting and explain how you know

How to do everything they're saying

Okay, thanks for making me do all the work

Carlito took Jen home

parents robbed some church at midnight what a mistake hey jen's dad i know how your daughter

tastes now that's what i sung all right let's take a look at this ichiban ichiban ichiban sushi

hostess equals you need to have him let me turn this down hostess equals you need to have good

fun manners be able to write that alone throws me out be able to write legibly i can't do that

I'd either like to work hard and love dealing with the public.

Okay, I love you guys.

I don't know about the working hard part.

Our hosts chat up our guests.

Ooh, open door, support the servers.

We're not going to be a geisha?

Always say goodbye and thank you and are helpful with questions.

You must be able to work weekends.

No experience necessary.

Let's do it, gentlemen and lady.

Shout out to our one female listener tonight.

Today, today, get it right, Carlos?

Stay time?

How you doing, honey?

Tony, hello.

Good to have you.

Hey, I see you got an ad in the pepa for a sushi hostess.

That's a nice person, manners, good writing.

Say hello and goodbye and thank you.

Okay, I like to do this.

Do I have to wear a geisha costume?

No, you don't.

Okay, because this kind of sounds like you're going there.

All right, do I show the guests the table and sit them down?

That's correct.

Do I pull the chair out for them and push it in?

okay and do like maybe give him a little touch on the shoulder and say hey like that you know

and look at the wife like real nasty like oh fuck this guy you know nothing like that all right dude

can i sit down at the table to take the order no you cannot i have to stand okay all right and do

i do i bow do i confirm and bow the order to them what are you talking about like when i take the

the order right and then i repeat it back i'm like okay one one sushi roll one cucumber roll

and one chimichurri roll and i like bow you know like correct you know like do a bow no that's not

necessary okay so no bowing is necessary um should i talk like you know english you know

because i say you ask you for sushi one sushi roll like just to match the everybody else or

Or should I just do my own, like, my normal speed?

If that's what you want to do, that's fine.

But I don't want to offend anybody, but I don't also want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

Oh, they're going to throw you out, trust me.

What do you mean they're going to throw me out?

What do you mean?

That's exactly what I say.

You're offending people.

Okay, well, you know what?

You don't have any honor, and your family's embarrassed of you, and your family has no honor.

Okay, that's fine.

Okay, all right.

So you're a shame to your mother and your father, and to your name.

You're a shame.

name you don't you don't have anything better to do than to harass people i'm looking for a job

i'm here at the library looking for a job i saw this in the newspaper computer paper okay you're

looking for a job but but but you but you're acting like you you you you're from a whole

different planet here i mean like what make you think anyone's gonna hire you i'm desperate i

haven't had been able to find a job for 90 days right now and i keep trying i call and you will

continue to not find a job acting like that come on give me a chance i just need a chance i just

need a chance i'll i'll touch and kiss i'll masturbate the people and everything whatever

it is no this is i know i know how you people are i know the things you do there you say you

what do you mean what do you what do you mean you people like you say massage asian massage

and you get in it's like uh-huh like they flip you over and then it's like you want massage you

you want you want make banana make banana cry like that yeah uh-huh i know how you people are

you sexualize everything that's right that's okay are you done well do i have a job can i come down

an interview can i ask what your name is cross cross cross yeah well good luck finding a finding

a job where i would with people would take you seriously okay please please i'll suck your dick

if you'll help me no not today i'll suck it tomorrow then no not today not tomorrow well

when when wifey doesn't help i suck i sucky sucky you know you know what's wrong with you man i'm

trying to get a job anything i can do if i can maybe your wife needs to get porked you know

american style i do it too i have big american do you do you even know what nationality i am

i'm gonna guess you're thai no i don't think so shit where all right let's see let's see uh talk

Talk a little bit more.

I'm going to say...

No, I got better things to do.

No, you're Hawaiian.

You're Hawaiian, aren't you?

Hawaiian.

Yeah, Hawaiian.

I think definitely Hawaiian, guys.

Touch a pineapple to him, you know what I mean?

Touch a kanaka.

Good to see Turbo in the house.

What's up, big Turbo?

Yeah, do some inhalants.

I'm Turbo, I'm funny.

I love Turbo, man.

Turbo's a man.

Turbo's a good guy.

Good pranker.

Yes, I will put this in the showreel, don't worry.

did we get through our hour machine is it can i uh take my break now yeah i think i did all right

we're gonna take that break uh gentlemen well let's do a couple more a couple more a couple

more here hang on damn it let me get to that page real quick okay page not going forward let's go

come on oh we got a puppy guys his name is homer we named him homer he's a basset hound he is now

nine weeks old he is the cutest fucking dog ever i'm gonna put uh i'm gonna post pics of him on

on the Facebook group Pet Losers of America,

which is basically a place for fans of the Phone Losers of America,

such as myself, to post pictures of their pets.

There's pictures of Chloe and Dobby Cat on there.

Not many.

I'm not really good with pictures.

I'm self-conscious, even about the surroundings of my house.

I feel everything's always dirty, even though it isn't.

So, give me a second.

Give me a second, because I forgot what I was going to do here.

Shit, I forgot the outro song I was going to do.

Oh, my God.

Let's see if it's here.

Nope, nope.

And I got a pee-pee.

I gotta make a pee-pee, guys.

Come on, did I not say the right one?

Shit.

Did I not load the right one?

Shit.

I don't remember what song I wanted to talk us out.

As I like to say, the song that takes us into break.

It's not that big of a deal, but I'm like a Steve Jobs.

I'm like, I gotta go to run.

I gotta go to run.

Oh my god, I'm autistic.

I'm Steve Jobs.

You guys know he was autistic, right?

You do, I know you do.

Ah, I'll just, uh, I guess pick a different one here at random.

That works.

Okay.

Okay, do one prank here real quick, and then we'll take it out.

Wings of Glory, you're good at many positions.

Missionary, doggy style, et cetera.

What the fuck is Wings of Glory?

A full-time restaurant position available, and you'll be trimmed in all positions.

Uh-uh-uh, I get it.

That's where the joke comes from.

$8 an hour, fucking Republicans.

Hey, is that Big Tony?

It's Tony.

Hey, how you doing?

You got legal for servers for your machine, Wings Tenders, Wings of Glory Tenders and Wings at the airport machine?

Yeah, Wings Tenders.

Are you looking for servers or cooks, or what are you looking for?

Then why do you have an ad in the PIPA?

Shit.

Thirteen days ago?

What was it for?

For a server?

General, what are you doing over there?

Cleaning the toilet?

You motherfucker, what are you doing?

I need a job, is what is the problem.

Motherfucker?

Yeah, I need a job.

My name is Cross, and I need a job, motherfucker.

You understand me?

me what the fuck is that what are you doing are you in home depot dude seriously you sound like

shit and you get your ad up after it's been filled pull the ad down okay if it was dwight

my friend dwight calling you he would have really laid into you but i gotta go bp right now okay

and i want a beer it's time for coffee all right homie i gotta go bye jesus christ man i gotta take

Take a piss.

When we come back, we've got more calls to do.

We've got more of your requests.

Start sending those in.

The United Prankers, if you're out there, my friends,

if you have to wonder if you're on that list, you probably aren't.

But if you want to join up, if you happen to be around this afternoon

slash morning, wherever you are, drop me a Skype message.

Just give me a call.

When I come back after I pee-pee, I'll maybe start a conference.

We're going to do about another hour and get out of here

because my wife needs me to do stuff because I'm a married man,

man. Happily married man.

When we come back, we've got numbers such as a female

chef wanted, ice cream

truck drivers, unarmed

security officers. Fuck that.

I got no arms. Ooh! Teacher

at a child care center. Papa John's.

Electric motor mechanic.

Janitor. Dwight, come on,

get at me. And barber. Alright.

And more, and more. Guys, we're gonna have

fun. And a big announcement coming after

this. Alright. Catch you soon.

Don't go anywhere. Stay tuned.

No salad, you know.

you're listening to madhouse on the largest call station in the nation

prank call nation house radio will be back right after this i hope that when you die

your gps in your box and when you die you open up tractor at the bottom check the gps and you

go house radio is back you are bigger than a woman behind you do not let a woman

Well, I don't think you can find any of you.

Schmace, you know what I'm saying?

They don't like me for whatever reason.

You got niggas that don't want me.

I say bitch.

You got niggas that don't like me.

I say people.

Those poppies.

I back it up.

She is a different.

A lot of niggas pop shit.

It's so bad boy shit.

We come to bring it to y'all niggas.

Me, B.I., Pop, Lox, whoever.

Black Rock.

The dance, we dance.

What lace who?

They ain't what mace do.

Got a lot of girls that are bad.

I'm sad.

Hello.

How you doing?

Excuse me.

Hello.

You there, buddy?

Hello.

Hey, brother.

I see you got an animal machine here for sale, a Kinkajou.

Kinkajou?

Yes.

Yes, I do.

Oh, man.

I would love to have that Kinkajou.

Quiet.

Yeah.

What can you tell me about the Kinkajou?

How old is it?

She's about a year old.

Oh, it's a lady.

She's handleable.

Okay.

Yeah.

It's female.

There's a nice female honey bear.

Yep.

She's handleable.

She doesn't like being taken out, but once she's out, she's fine.

Usually what I do is I just reach in and grab her by the chest or belly or by the tail.

Yeah.

And just pull her out, and then she holds on to me.

Why are you getting rid of her?

What's going on?

What happened?

Because I deal in exotic animals.

I bought her to sell her.

Oh, no.

Okay, so where did this come from?

Is this born in the States, or is it from South America?

Yeah.

No, no.

It is not an import.

It was born here.

here oh man okay and how much food that kinkajou eats i give her 10 monkey biscuits and one banana

every night okay okay can i put a diaper on it uh you probably could i never have i like to do that

i tried to buy a kinkajou a couple months ago and ended up i'm like i don't think this is a

goddamn kinkajou you know what i mean so i took it to the doctor and they did a dna analysis and

did you know it was a ferret the whole time well hell you ought to be able to look at it and tell

So it's a ferret, not a kinkajou, without doing DNA on it.

No.

Completely different animals.

No, they had to do a DNA test because even the vet was like, I don't think it was a kinkajou.

So apparently what he said, he found out that there's Chinese breeders of ferrets,

and they're selectively breeding them to look like kinkajous now.

I mean, you never heard of that?

I don't even see how that's possible.

No, they're counterfeit kinkajous.

They're breeding them.

There's certain features to make them look like.

Like, it's a guy, it's damn near 99% match visually.

Exactly, yeah.

That'd be something I'd be interested in to see because a ferret is in the weasel family

and a kinkajou is in the podo family, which is the same as a raccoon.

I know.

That's what I'm saying.

But those Chinese are doing amazing stuff.

They're breeding a dog that looks like a lion.

They got a dog that looks just almost like a lion.

It has a mane, tail, the big, it doesn't roar.

Yeah, you can do that with a chow chow.

You take it to the right groomer.

That's what I'm saying.

But, no, they're making it so it just grows like that.

Yep.

That's just the way it goes.

Did you want to come over and see this ferret?

No, I'm in New Orleans.

Where are you from?

Baton Rouge.

You follow the numbers Baton Rouge, huh?

Yeah, I don't want Baton Rouge, but I travel all over the place.

I'm a trucker.

I didn't come bring that.

You want me at the Wal-Mart?

You got a Wal-Mart?

I'm not interested in seeing a ferret.

I mean, if you're interested in seeing the Kinkajou or buying the Kinkajou, then I can meet up with you.

Well, that's what I'm saying.

But I'll bring the ferret, just so you can see how much this thing looks like a Kinkajou.

It's amazing.

Okay.

I'm going to be honest with you.

I'm just going to let the ferret go parlay the bear.

I'm just going to let you see it.

I'm just going to let him go right there in that parking lot, because I don't need a ferret.

Fuck a ferret, you know?

This thing stinks.

I ain't even going to have a decent of it yet.

I'm just going to be a feral ferret, you know what I mean?

Uh-huh.

So, what can you tell me about the kinkajou's sexual organs?

Female.

What do you mean?

What do you want to know about a kinkajou's sexual organs?

How do they work?

It's a vagina, just like any female animal or person has.

I don't understand what you're asking.

Well, birds have cloacas and stuff, so I don't know.

It's a vagina that it has?

Yeah.

Is it at the base of the tail or the back?

Where is it?

Right where it belongs, right underneath the asshole.

That was nice.

That was very nice.

That was good.

I was trying to think about how far deep does the Volvo go?

That's something you need to ask your vet.

Are you interested in this thing?

I mean, I don't mind answering questions, but this is getting ridiculous.

Does it have a period?

Does it get its period?

No, you'll never know when she's in heat.

Oh, damn.

But, I mean, she'll be extra horny probably, right?

I don't know.

She's not my type.

Well, it's not my type either.

I don't know about that.

It's a little too small for me to fuck, so obviously it's not my type either.

i'm just thinking about when i get the you know maybe i'm going to get the ferret maybe

can fuck her you know i doubt it no i can i can cope with the kinkajou ate the ferret

no no because i'm gonna killed it i'll give the kinkajou we're gonna give it dopamine

uh activated dopamine receptors we'll use a little mixture of fentanyl and melatonin

and calm it right down we crush us up crush up a little xanax load it up with some fentanyl

That'll really calm it down.

Crush up some Xanax.

Well, maybe not the fentanyl, but we'll, you know, crush up a Xanax, Xanibar, you know, in the food.

Mm-hmm.

How do they...

Yeah, that'd be good for it.

How do they taste?

Didn't have a chance to eat one when I was in South America.

Okay.

It's too expensive.

All right, you want to maybe have a...

Want to make a hamburger?

Where do you want to meet first?

You know what?

Give me $1,800 for it, and you can do whatever the fuck you want with it.

All right, yeah.

Well, I'm going to make a hamburger out of it.

but uh where which walmart's do you want to meet at i don't want to meet at a walmart

where my sister come to your house i'll meet you somewhere in kenner well i don't know where

there's a walmart out there well i'm saying the walmart's in kenner that's a good safe place to

meet you know big parking lot security there cameras everywhere i don't want you to be trying

to i don't know if there is a walmart in kenner i don't go to walmart i don't know where they are

Well, maybe they got Kmart's then.

Not that many people there.

Oh, come on.

You don't know?

When do you want to see it?

I mean, can you do it tonight?

Can you get to Canada tonight, or do you want to wait until another day?

It'll have to be sometime tomorrow.

You want to give me a call back tomorrow and let me know when you're available.

All right.

Look, Canada has Walmarts we can go on, go to.

All right.

I'm sure there's one somewhere.

Otherwise, I know there's gas stations and everything else.

No, no, not there.

because you could play a trap it's you know that esplanade avenue in kenner yeah that's what

that's where it is that's what i'm saying that's where it is yeah oh you want to give me a call

tomorrow and let me know when when you want to come yeah what do you want me to wear for you

that was okay it was an okay prank an okay prank

kinkajou never even heard an animal before jesus christ female chef wanted oh by the way uh

my setup right now there's a problem and i can't add people on skype so if anyone wanted to join

the show you'd have to give me a phone number i can call you that's the best i can do so i'm sorry

I know I said, hey, guys, join in, but I'm going to have to be on my own for the rest of the show.

What's an internal error?

Come on.

Let's go.

On the phone.

Hello?

Poof, that's your biz.

Hey, you looking for female chef?

Hey, Ken.

But maybe for next time?

Yes, sir.

Why does it have to be female chef?

Like, you want to apply for it, or are you asking me a question?

Well, because, have you ever heard of the Equal Opportunity Act?

Well, have you ever heard of Don't Call Me Back?

Fuck you, have you ever heard that one?

Bitch mother.

Son of a bitch.

Motherfucker.

I'll call you back a lot, motherfucker, you want?

Hey, I just told you not to call me back.

Fuck you, motherfucker, what are you going to do about it?

Fuck your mother.

I'm on the corner of and shit.

All right, well, good, so meet me at the Walmart.

What the fuck?

I just told you don't call me back

I'm gonna play

going to play my cards right.

You have four unheard messages.

Ooh.

First unheard message.

Ooh, we hacked it.

Record.

At the end of your greeting, press pound.

Hey, motherfucker, it's me.

If you're trying to get a hold of me, leave me a fucking message.

I'll leave you a fucking message back because I don't like to talk to people.

I screen all my phone calls.

I hate Christians.

I hate black people.

I hate women.

I hate Jewish people.

I hate everybody.

If you're a collector, I ain't paying shit to you.

You don't get shit from me.

Now I'm going to masturbate.

Yeah.

Hang on.

Yeah.

Yeah, masturbating.

Masturbating on the phone.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Incorrect key.

If you are satisfied with your greeting, press pound.

If you would like to re-record your greeting, press star.

To replay your greeting, press one.

Here is how your personal greeting will sound.

Hey, motherfucker, it's me.

Hey, if you're trying to get a hold of me and leave me a fucking message,

I'll leave you a fucking message back because I don't like to talk to people.

I'll screen all my phone calls.

I hate Christians.

I hate black people.

I hate women.

I hate Jewish people.

I hate everybody.

If you're a collector, I ain't paying shit to you.

You don't get shit from me.

Now I'm going to masturbate.

Yeah.

Hang on.

Yeah, masturbating.

Masturbating on the phone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you are satisfied with your greeting

Press pound

If you would like to re-record your greeting

Press star

Alright cool

See if I can call back

I always hear that

Let's see if it took

I'm about to buy the bar

That's my car

been around the world and i i i and i've been player hated i don't know where and i don't know

why i have a bonus faded i don't know why they care but it's related hey motherfucker it's me

if you're trying to get a hold of me give me a fucking message i'll leave you a fucking message

is back because i don't like to talk to people i screen all my phone calls i hate christians i

hate black people i hate women i hate jewish people i hate everybody if you're a collector

i am paying shit to you you don't get shit from me now i'm gonna masturbate yeah oh my god

yeah masturbating masturbating okay baby baby all right okay ice cream truck i really want

what i gotta answer but he ain't gonna answer well they want us faded i don't know why they

can't find all right let's see here ice cream truck driver let's read just a caller id here

everybody please just a moment hey oh yeah i must have been sounds nothing like the guy but just

sounds like some more fucking shit buster casey hey what's up nice to see you ask me to give

review of the new star trek all right so yeah i haven't seen last night's episode but i have

have seen the previous three, the pilot and the next episode, the double pilot and next

episode, I will say the first two episodes were pretty cool.

We've got a problem with the fact that Klingon ships are cloaking already, because we all

know, maybe we'll explain it later, but we all know that the bird of prey model and the

cloaking technology was a technology trade with the Romulans later on.

I'm just saying, but hey, maybe they'll explain it away.

I don't know.

Maybe this dude doesn't ever share it.

anyway got a little bit of a problem with that um i think it's fun i think it's a fun show um

the third episode i was cool with it until they got to the point where they're explaining is

spoiler alert spoiler alert everybody spoiler alert everybody spoiler alert all right when

they're explaining the why the discovery ship is kind of weird and it uses some kind of fungus

thing that goes across the world and he put the the chicken the the the admiral the captain put

the chick in the chamber and she went to romulus and to earth and to this other planet and came

back in an instant i'm like wait a minute wait a minute so you're working on the ability to

transport instantly anywhere you want but it's already working like you can transport someone

anywhere you want or if not was it just a like a demonstration of what it should look like

Like, I don't know.

I don't get that.

That kind of left a sour taste in my mouth.

The episode, episode three, was still pretty good.

Now, I have not seen episode four,

but I plan to see it when the show's over,

and I hope it's good.

Another thing I want to mention,

I'm watching this show.

I ain't paying for CBS All Access.

Why?

I'm not the biggest CBS fan.

First of all,

they fucked up a good show called Jericho.

Just threw it off track and fucked it up.

Second of all,

not a big fan of any cbs show to be honest with you their sitcoms have always been whack their

dramas have always been whack never been a fan third of all they're a major reason why there's

a whole bunch of shit going on anyway between star trek fans and them and paramount and cbs

and there's this whole fucking bullshit that if you want to make a movie or a video game

game you some of the stuff you have to go to cbs for permission to use and some of the stuff you

got to go to paramount and said fuck that shit seriously and then the biggest thing was the fact

that dude if you're a star trek fan and you haven't seen the the web made um uh documentary

fake documentary mockumentary called prelude to axanar i highly recommend that you've got

got richard hatch rest in peace from battle star galactica who plays a klingon warrior it's it's

basically like if you're watching a history channel and they're showing this thing that

had happened 20 years ago this battle between the klingons and the federation and it was really

really fucking well made but then they got their panties all in a twist and forced them not to be

able to continue the project they just watch it you'll see what i mean now there's all these rules

that fans can make their own Star Trek stuff,

but they can't be more than 15 minutes long

or this and that.

And there's a lot of good Star Trek

fucking fan-made series.

They're not the best,

but they're pretty good.

There's something to watch.

They didn't put an effort in there.

There's one that George Takai even signed up with

and What's-His-Face Chekhov.

Forget his real name at the moment.

Koenig, Walter Koenig,

he got involved with.

Man, I'm just saying,

I think it's a fun show.

and here's what really pisses me off.

I like it.

Some problems, but I like it.

Here's what pisses me off about Star Trek fans.

Allow me to get in my sub box here, my nerd box.

You got your normal YouTube comments

and your normal fanboys of Star Trek saying,

it's bullshit.

It looks so different and futuristic

and this and that and bullshit.

Listen to me.

If you're a Star Trek fan,

your franchise was fucking dead, all right?

There was a whole bunch of years there

where there wasn't shit for Star Trek

after Voyager went off the air,

well, after Enterprise went off the air.

I'm going to tell you something.

I'm a pretty religious Star Trek fan.

I didn't watch one full episode

of Star Trek Enterprise after the pilot episode.

Couldn't care less.

Even heard that there was some semi-cool stuff in it.

Couldn't care less.

Before that, Voyager,

come on, man, let's be honest,

Voyager sucked.

The entirety of Voyager sucked.

It just, Kate Mulgrew,

no okay she was no um picard and she was no benjamin cisco uh katherine janeway just get

out of here with that bullshit okay it was a hampered show from the beginning all right so

i consider that the star trek franchise has been dead since deep space nine had its finale which

was a phenomenal show and still holds up as a good space opera between that and the new battle

Battlestar Galactica, which was awesome also, except for its last season.

Those are two good things to watch if you're looking to get into this kind of stuff.

Very two good series.

Next Generation is always a show, since I was a kid, since the case started coming on in 87,

that I can watch episodes over and over again.

I've downloaded every single episode.

I watch it on Netflix.

I just put it on in the background and let it go.

It's just a show.

I can just keep on the background and every once in a while tune in and stuff and pay attention.

it's starting to get a little long in the tooth as far as the graphics and the look of stuff is

but still holds up and yeah the original series is legendary but it wasn't as good as you there

were some really stinky fucking nasty shit episodes in the original series especially

in the last season i say all that to say this the franchise was dead the old star trek will

We'll never succeed during the age of peak TV, which we are in now.

Peak TV is saying that we live in an age where television has blurred the line between a television show and a movie in terms of quality and acting and the people involved and stuff like that.

You've got shows like Walking Dead, Breaking Bad, Mad Men, Dexter, Sopranos.

that was the beginning of the peak tv era the shield i could go on and on all right

a star trek show is not gonna hold up to that the the star trek show of old when

oh it was a ship and today there's a new adventure and we're gonna beam down to the planet and

there's a virus and we gotta come up with the cure to the virus and no one fucking cares right

uh it's just it's tired it's done i know you're nostalgic about it but no when it comes to the

look of the show the bridge the uniforms of this the the the ship design i don't know about you

but it would be stupid as fuck if if star trek discovery were ships that look like the fucking

enterprise d galaxy class out there some shit like that or an old busted up constitution class

that shit no i don't want to see that man half of battlestar galactica me watching it was sure i

fell in love with was saying man i wish it would have made a star trek uh series like this you

know what i mean gritty real like battlestar galactica deep space nine was a totally different

there was a lot of people saying shit about deep space nine when it came out i remember

early 90s they're like fuck this it's not a ship they're just on a station and they just walk

Walk around and this and that.

But that became a space opera.

That show, after that first season, was fucking awesome.

It was about a war.

The Dominion War and all that shit was fucking cool.

A wartime Star Trek show.

It broke the mold over the wagon, train, and space idea that Roddenberry had.

They did something different, and it was good.

And then they went back to Voyager, the adventure of the day.

they added the fact that they were lost in space or whatever but fucking lost in space that's

already been done too anyway off my soapbox i like the show i think it looks great i think it's

different and i'm not going to be sitting here saying oh that's bullshit the the bridge doesn't

look like the fucking uh enterprise original enterprise like no shit fucker the klingons

don't look like the original klingons either they didn't in the in the tng era and i think the

klingons look fucking dope right now i think they did a really good job with the klingons i think

really really different let's inject something new into this because the old formula didn't work

they tried they had two stinker movies in a row and enterprise was a stinker show until the from

what i understand at the end of it they were starting to get into the romulan conflict and

it started getting good and then it got canceled because a the damage had been done the the viewers

weren't there because of all the bullshit that had gone on and uh upn was done also that was it

that was it for you pn and the wb they combine that was it maybe i'll watch enterprise i don't

know dude i don't know it star trek experience if you're a video game fan a video game history fan

if you think about sega during the 90s where they got to the point where they had the market share

above nintendo and the snes with the genesis and then they just started doing shit after shit they

They started doing CD and then 32X and then Saturn.

And then by the time Dreamcast came out, it's too late, bro.

And then you didn't put a DVD player in the Dreamcast.

And that's what really killed it because that killed Japan.

Sega had legs in Japan with the Dreamcast until the PlayStation 2 said,

hey, you get a free DVD player with this motherfucker.

So back then, if you wanted to get a DVD player,

you could spend the same amount of money and get a PlayStation 2.

So now you got a DVD player and a fucking video game machine.

then it got online connectivity i'm out of here guys with that stuff we got to do pranks i'm just

on my soapbox dude so yeah the new star trek i like it so far it's fun it's different i want to

give it a chance and everyone remember the first season of a star trek series is always it ain't

all there okay it's all right like i know it's weird to see whole mind meld across space between

Between Sarek and...

And what the fuck?

Spock's dad.

Whoever they casted for that is fucking sucks.

That's the worst.

They casted...

The guy who they casted for to play Sarek, Spock's dad, in the new movies, the J.J.

Abrams-verse, as they call it, the Kelvin timeline one, pretty good approximation of

what you would see, I imagine, a young version of him is.

Not this, dude.

What the fuck is this?

I'm trying to put my finger on who I know this guy.

like he seems like that really dry toast kind of guy that came from florida on the tv show the

office on nbc the comedy he's not him but he's just like he seems like he would he would be on

a web series almost you know what i mean i don't think he's a good actor the the spock's dad

sarak or whatever um but michelle what's her name from walking dead's going to doing a good job so

So Nick Green, not Michelle, so Nick Green.

Michelle Yeoh was okay, but I don't know.

I just don't think people are going to have that thick of an accent that far into the future.

I think everything's going to pretty much be melting-potted.

I don't know.

If you want to get to what people will talk about if we indeed become a real space-faring species a good hundred years in the future,

watch The Expanse because they have a method of talking there where it's like a mix of Chinese and Spanish and Creole

and english and the things they say like they say compa for friend like compa compadre

um whatever that's a great show the expanse when's that coming back on gotta watch that

shit expanse good show all right come on pranks i'll be quiet now uh lunch lady thank you sending

in numbers including the site that begat that last weird animal call thank you sir a couple

more number a few more numbers from him i will try to get to those mob seven sending in numbers as

as well okay cool uh breaking news we got a message here from uh matt matt hillock laugh

track mac hillock host of party time with matt and sidekicks x he confirms they were doing a

thursday night show this week a thursday afternoon show this week again because sidekicks x has to

work thanks for the head up and he is just waking up i was correct well hope you're feeling well

matt all right buddy if you want to join you can i have to call you on the phone uh skype audio

audio is down for the moment so if you want to shoot me a cell phone number it won't get shared

with anybody no one will see it because no one's going to be in the skype conference at all you'll

be conference call on the phone machine no one can see you uh mob 7 sent in a number for himself

we'll call him in a little bit sure no problem no problem i know dwight said he would have joined

had i been able to start at the time that i wanted to which was earlier in the morning

but unfortunately if you missed the beginning of the show you heard that i locked out my studio

man cave den office study room i locked myself out of it after i had everything all set up

had to wait for a locksmith to come over and charge me 75 to use what i would describe is a

more professional version of a long clothes hanger to open the door from underneath 75 yep 75 i tried

to pick it myself the entire time while i waited for him to get here did not work like that so the

The first thing I did, as soon as he finished that, he had gone to the car to take my credit card and process the payment.

He went back to his truck.

I got the old screwdriver and took out that lock.

I took out the doorknob.

So there's a hole in that doorknob now.

Athena's listening.

Hey, Athena.

Trying the ice cream truck.

Finally.

That I've talked about so much.

Is this ice cream?

Yes, it is.

I want to go ice cream.

To buy ice cream?

No, no, no.

No, you say you put an ad in the paper, ice cream truck driver take home cash every day,

ice cream truck driver's need, you can make easy cash money, have a good time while doing it,

looking for people to start immediately, must be older than 25 with a Korean driving record.

Please call.

Yes, sure.

Come to the office and fill the application when you travel life.

Do I get to drive the truck or do I just give out the food?

Okay, and then how does the truck go?

How do you go?

And you need to be filling ice cream.

Uh-huh.

Buy the ice cream, you resell the ice cream, you make your profits.

And what about gas?

What about the gas?

Oh, you pay the gas.

We put the truck with everything and you pay the gas.

But no, what about tire?

The what?

What about the tire and the oil and the battery?

No, we do everything.

We do the maintenance and everything.

You pay your gas every day.

Who clean truck?

Who vacuums truck?

Driver.

You keep the...

Okay, and I have to wear clothing?

No, you use...

Okay, so I wear like just no t-shirt and underwears?

Okay, yeah, because you say whatever you want, because it gets hot, you know, it gets hot.

Yeah, you can put a shore in a share.

Okay, yeah, yeah, and can I, does it have air condition?

No.

Can I drive around with the ice cream cooler open to make it cool?

It's a regular van.

Uh-huh.

It's a regular van.

And what, it has cooler, it has freezers inside?

Roll down the window.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, it has freezer inside?

Yes, sir.

So I open freezer, put in fan, and close all the windows.

Yeah, but why?

Okay, this is not a show, okay, it's a shop.

This is not a shop?

Regular shop with regular clothes with regular requirements.

Okay, I like this.

I like this.

If you're interested, come to the office and get an education.

Okay, and then, what can I...

Motherfucker.

I was getting to it.

I'll call another one and then call back.

Unarmed security officers.

You know what that means?

I have no arms.

I got no legs.

Give me a quarter.

Man, I'm hungry.

Hello, I'm Lisa Beeson, the owner of Tactical Impact Security, LLC,

which stands for Excellent, Precision, and Professional.

If you receive this message,

I'm currently on the other line with a client.

Oh, damn it.

Teacher at a child care center.

This is Sarah.

How are you?

Hi, how are you?

Good.

I want to be teach.

What?

I want to be teach.

This is a child care center for young children.

You put a job in the paper for teaching.

You want to teach here.

I want to be teach.

You want to be the teacher?

Yes.

I want to teach the child how to, you know, everything to do.

I want to teach.

Okay, do you have experience?

I like to teach that, yes, I used to teach the children in the compound that the government lies.

That the Gulf of Tonkin was like a fake flag, a false flag, to bring us into Vietnam.

And Lyndon Baines Johnson, our president, sold all the bell helicopters.

I'm masturbating.

Denise speaking.

Hey, honey, how are you?

I'm doing fine. How are you?

I want to be a teacher.

I like to teach the children that the Vietnam War was a Gulf of Talking was a stage event to bring us into the Vietnam War.

And that they had Kennedy assassinated.

They had him shot.

And then the helicopters were bell helicopters that President Lyndon Johnson.

You know, I can appreciate what you want to teach the children.

And then I masturbate.

I show my penis

You show your penis and you masturbate

Well you know what

You need to go find somebody else to get sick with

This is where babies come from

Oh my god

That was fucked up

Oh, boy.

Going nowhere.

We ain't going nowhere.

We can't be stopped now.

It's prank call nation for life.

Yeah.

Prank call nation for life.

All right, no more ice cream.

Papa John's positions?

There's a whole list of them.

Let's leave that until later.

Electric motor mechanic machines.

Do it.

I feel remorseless of course

It's me and Diddy, our first race of porsches

With the big twin valve exhausts

On the cover of your vibes

Double like sounds, it's awesome

Go where, go where

Hey, we can't be stopped now

It's Carlito for life, how you doing buddy?

Fuck you man

Why, can't be nice to you and the funk?

Have a little fun?

We need your call to forward it to an automatic voice

Raps to flow, steal them, catch them, no

That's for sure

Bottles to pop, joints to rock

Play the background, handle my jock

Holding my flip, balls to sit at

Sip cone, hose to seat

Make sure they know it's me

Drop that, gotta love the bubble

Call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system

Trying to get them two-toed sloths

You know what I mean?

Like two-timing, backstabbing sloth

Has been forwarded to an automatic voice message

This is Jen, sorry I missed your call

Oh, I thought it was real person

Let's see

Hot belly pigs

Let me just some

Chlorides

For AIDS

Gotta be adjusted

Maybe that'll help

Hey thanks Antichrist

For uh

Hitting up the Patreon

Patreon.com

Slash Madhouse

Much appreciated

That's hard to do

Cause there's not even

Any links or buttons

Anywhere right now

It's just the word of mouth

Thank you sir

All

I asked for was a dollar.

That's all.

And you don't have to.

You can just leech.

It's okay.

I like you guys no matter what.

Adjust it.

Now moving on to do the call.

Thank you, Lunch Lady.

That Lunch Lady's a weird cat.

Like, I want to like Lunch Lady, but he does some weird stuff.

And I do.

I know I do, too.

Good guy.

I do listen to the show.

I'll be nice.

It's a good show, though.

It's entertaining.

Lunch Lady Machines.

Lunch Lady on Mixolar.

Mixolar.

Please leave your message for

The guy that gives me numbers

That no one picks up at

The throat of the infidels

Like lunch ladies

Make him kneel in front of you

Slit his throat on the video

Hello

Hey red kangaroo

Imported

Bitch

Why'd you keep it up if it sold

You stupid bitch you

Motherfucker

Yeah

Yeah. Sold. Rude bitch. You're all about the money. Baby kangaroo?

Us?

Oh, good. How baby is kangaroo?

Um, hang on a minute, please.

No. How baby is baby kangaroo?

I got him three.

Oh, well, does the baby kangaroo sleep in the mama kangaroo pouch still?

Oh, little baby kangaroo. That's what I want to say to them. Little baby, baby, baby.

How soon can they be separated from their mama?

Separated already.

already okay how old is the youngest uh i know that i know that and they crawl they crawl out

of the vagina into the hole they're about seven months right now are they jumping around you

and punching oh yeah we got them in diapers they're running around the house oh yeah they

take shits in the diapers yep who can pee you just gotta cut that way you're gonna let it run

around yeah because they just pee everywhere because they're stupid animals you know can i

make i don't know i think animals are smart and people are stupid well animals know how to survive

five on the road we have a problem with it that's kind of rude of you to say about me because i

might be a rude person then yeah asshole um when can they start punching and fighting i want to

punch a kangaroo he won't do shit i'll kick the shit out of the kangaroo i was at his i i'm banned

from the central florida zoo because i got into a fight with a kangaroo and and around and around

ram the same day yeah i lost my cell phone over the railing and i crawled down i crawled over it

and this ram saw me and he started running at me and i kicked him right in the face and he went

back like that and then i started trying to get out and i ended up in the kangaroo pit and they're

all like yeah yeah this kangaroo put it he put up his dukes again me i ran house kicked him right in

the face i got him on the ground i punched him i punched him i punched him i punched him then i

I got up and said, who wants this?

Who wants this?

And then I took the kangaroo's tail and I shoved it up his asshole.

Sure.

And then I masturbated for all the kangaroos so that they see that I'm the dominant male.

Yeah.

Jack off.

Exactly.

I was jacking off.

Yeah.

How often do you jack off?

You got low T?

Yeah.

Oh, we can fix that, though.

You know, you get me with you.

I'll get you some red wine.

I'll buy you some incense.

You know, turn down the lights.

I don't drink.

Huh?

Oh, well, just we could do something.

Maybe I'll choke you, and then the oxygen

depression will make you horny.

Whatever.

Dom the Bum

asking me about my favorite scary movie.

Dude, I'm not really into scary

movies, and it's not that I'm afraid

of scary movies, or ever was afraid

of them, but I just found them really hokey

in the 80s when I was growing up.

They just looked kind of stupid,

and the people who got into them,

maybe I still kind of feel like that.

The people who get really into Halloween and stuff like

that, and scary movies,

like you're Matt Hillock, it's like, it's, it's okay, I mostly laugh during the movies, it's kind

of funny, um, favorite scary movie of mine, man, I don't know, I, I liked Texas Chainsaw Massacre

back then, um, Freddy Krueger was all right, uh, I've only seen the first Saw, that was pretty good,

first Saw, the first Saw, yeah, first Saw, I don't know, I don't know, I'd be real, I'm a really bad

guy to ask that to, I like them all, I like and dislike them all equally, to be honest with you,

I had a fun time watching the first Saw movie because I saw it in a black theater.

Not to be racist, but the theater that a lot of, like, you get a lot of young black people that go to it.

You know there's always one in town that's more of the black theater.

And normally I'll be pissed.

I'd be like, because, oh, shit, because making noise and yelling at the screen.

But I was in a good mood that night.

I was on a date.

It wasn't with a black girl.

But I was in a good mood.

food a matter of fact it was a universal studios florida um they have a really good theater that

you can drink alcohol in and stuff like that but it's notorious for black youth going to it don't

know why just a place to hang up it is kind of close to the ghetto out there to the metro west

area it gets kind of ghetto maybe that's why but these guys were so funny the whole movie dude like

they were doing the whole standing up and yelling at the screen and saying shit and normally i would

would have been like fuck you're ruining my experience but i was like you know what go with

the flow let's go with it oh my god i was there yelling and stuff and they were laughing at my

jokes and they were saying like stupid white girl oh my god and everyone was laughing and shit like

that i had a great time but normally like yeah i was i was with a friend once and we went to see

uh one of the lord of the rings movies or something and this motherfucker like we sat down

down and then right in front of us uh some black kids sat down and he said let's go and he got up

and moved like five rows back and sat because and then sure enough they were rowdy they were rowdy

with the talking and stuff i'm not trying to say that african americans are bad i'm just trying to

say the young ones they get in the movie theater they you know let the actors do the thing let the

actors be the actors okay but i don't really go i go to the movie theater maybe once or twice a

year now i'll go for the star wars movie that comes out now every year and if a star trek movie

comes out i'll go and if there's a really good documentary or docudrama i might go and see it

like i the last movie i saw was a tupac movie before that i don't know i saw the first the

justice league movie i saw that one oh the one batman versus superman i saw that hello at the

tone please record your message when you saw batman versus superman oh that story that was

fucking bullshit so i got there to the movie theater batman versus superman i go i get my

popcorn i get my large coke zero no ice spent my 25 on that and i walk into the theater and

they're playing spoiler alert spoiler alert they're playing like it's a military scene

you hear like amazing grace and there's a military scene and they're shooting the cannons and i'm

thinking okay they always have these trailers at the beginning of the movie they had the call

used to call it the 20 so starting 20 minutes before the movie starts they show commercials

and tv shows coming up and stuff like that and then the trailers come on so they always show

like you know army commercials and these things like you know the u.s army join the army and it's

like a real dramatic thing you know so i'm walking in i'm like oh cool look a u.s army commercial let

me sit down and stuff and then i sit down cell phone on silent and then next thing i know i look

and there's a casket with the superman symbol on and i'm like what what oh fuck and i got real mad

and i was stormed out and i walked out because basically what i had done was walked in at the

end of the previous showing because we're running behind i guess with the showing walked in at the

end of the previous showing and completely spoiled the fact that superman dies in that movie yeah

so that ruined it for me that really pissed me off and that's the movie theater so how did i

I end up being able to get into the movie on opening weekend, mind you.

Get able to get into it.

So I think this movie theater that I go to, they're kind of lax with their policies and stuff.

I think I could do it like there were a couple times in high school where I would plan out.

I would get the newspaper and I would plan out the times in the movies.

And I'd pay for one ticket, like for 11 o'clock showing and watch like three movies.

That's how I watched them.

I remember I saw Toys with the late great Robin Williams.

then I saw most of

this Mel Gibson movie

where he turns old

like he was frozen

and he turned old

and he was forever young

saw most of that

then I saw The Leprechaun

the first Leprechaun movie

which was rated R

and I was like

a good 14 years old maybe

that was a great day

spent all day at the movie theater

got on the bus

and I went to the movie theater

to the bowling alley after that

yeah oh it was a good day

alright

shall I do some more prank calls

I'm over my time here

getting dirty looks

the janitor job

this one comes from Parkman

let's do that

thanks again Parkman for your assistance as always

thanks for everyone else who sent in a number

thank you down the bomb for completely derailing the show

while I talked about scary movies

and then movies

our office hours are Monday through Friday

8am to 5pm

if you know your party's extension

you may dial it at any time

if you are a school employee

or a substitute teacher calling to create

modify or keep still in assignment

assignment please press one for the scheduling team for questions regarding payroll please

contact the employee service center at 866-535-5948 or press two for all other calls

please remain on the line and the staffing representative will be with you in a moment

playing this soundtrack a lot i got a lot of uh what's up for playing educational staffing with

jennifer how can i help you hey sexy jennifer how are you what can i help you with yeah i saw you

had a job for a janitor in the pepa okay i like the unfortunately yeah which i can understand that

but when calling for a job and unfortunately with the greeting that you gave i'm just not

comfortable moving forward with you whoa whoa whoa whoa i'm sorry i'm sorry for a minute i just i

had i thought i have my ex-girlfriend's name is jennifer and i just doesn't matter i don't look

listen but we just broke up we just broke up and i just have a habit of calling her work and say

say hey my name is jennifer and i'll say hey sexy how you doing just a secret thing

and i'm sorry i'm really sad that we broke up like we did you know what i mean and i just heard your

voice and you sound pretty and you kind of sound like her and you said hello this is jennifer said

oh my god it's jen you know and i said hey sexy i'm sorry what's your name my name is dwight you

said dwight yeah dwight you're not gonna put me in like a blacklist are you yeah i kind of am

come on you can't do that i know my rights you can't do that i think i mean i can certainly

I can certainly say that based on the conversation we've had so far,

I don't feel comfortable moving forward with you in an educational setting.

Well, I know my rights, and you can't just make a presumption like that on the phone

when I'm looking for a job.

I know my rights, and I'll have you sued.

I'll have you sued personally.

Based on you saying, sexy Jennifer, and that I sound pretty, yeah.

I confuse you.

I don't feel comfortable moving forward with you.

Ma'am, I confused you for someone else.

Please, I'm begging you.

Please, I need work.

I've been looking for work.

She left me because I couldn't find work.

I've made a mistake. Please help me.

Please.

Thank you for calling.

Please hold for the next available agent.

This call may be recorded

for quality assurance.

It's not proper for you to ask

about someone's religious beliefs.

I'm not making a decision.

I'm just trying to find a common ground here.

Please forgive me.

Jesus forgave those who crucified him.

Forgive me. Please.

I'm sorry. I'm just not able to talk forward.

You're a fucking bitch.

Stupid bitch, stupid bitch.

How many of those do you fit in there?

Cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt.

We had to share a bed with the kids, and I kind of want to, you know,

eat a little bit, so I was wondering maybe if my wife and I got in a dream tent.

A little bit.

Or do you think maybe it would be best to put the kids inside the dream tent

and then we have outside the dream tent?

Oh, I see.

The thing is, it extends from, the way it works,

it extends from one end of the bed to the other end.

So, yeah, I don't know if there was...

Yeah, hello?

Hey, what's up?

Hey, how you doing, man?

It's Carlito.

What's up, bro?

Oh, shit, yeah, because they can't be seen as having sex, you know?

Carlito, you've got to be more specific.

I know some of you are right.

Oh, it's me.

You know who I am.

Just give me your number, man.

How you doing?

You know.

It's good to have you on.

I have a flush light.

I'll try it real quick.

And I even tried...

My friend Jen Stewart told me about these Tenga eggs, but, man, after a while, I just

think it's some real great, you know, skin on skin.

Hey, man, do you drink and drive a lot, man?

Do you like Sid?

Uh, mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Does this thing hold farts in a little while?

About a month and two weeks without drinking.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

That I do not know.

All right, well, can we check that out?

Can you ask someone there right now?

A manager or something?

That's really bad.

No, I'm doing really good, man.

No, unfortunately not.

I mean, I'm fucked.

Good, good.

Very good, very good.

I mean, yeah, basically...

Sorry, connecting the call.

...it covers the whole bed.

If you want to say so now, if not, I'm going to do it.

Let's go.

That covers the whole bed?

Yes.

Yeah, a barber shop.

Because in the commercial, it only covers like a top portion of it,

like enough for me to, like we could 60 or something.

I don't know much about it.

Well, it doesn't cover the whole bed, but it goes from one side to the other side.

All right.

I won't worry about it.

Okay, thanks.

I don't have much time left, man.

I've got to go.

23 and me, class action, sediment line.

So you don't think this is appropriate for me, for fucking my wife?

Well, yeah, probably not.

All right, what about for holding farts in so I can smell them for a while after I fart?

I didn't want to come on your show and do the bunch of calls.

No, yeah, you just want to see what's up.

Well, you're probably not going to hold it in that much, no.

Yeah, because I've been farting in my CPAP machine, but it doesn't last that long.

like are we

wanting to get

a nice funk

in there

you know what

I mean

right

you ever

fart in your

hand and

smell it

uh

no

well you

try right

now

and why is

it we're

not able

to just

take coal

and press

it to the

point where

it becomes

a diamond

what happened

with synthetic

diamonds

there was a

whole talk

like 20

years ago

we're going

to have

synthetic

diamonds

and diamonds

are going

to fall

they're going

to make

synthetic

diamonds

in China

on. I ain't seen

no fucking synthetic diamond. Okay. Well, thank

you for calling Dream Tent's customer service

and have a great day. Bye, honey. Well, that one has

a lot of options. I don't think I can do it.

Dream Tent is an infomercial as well.

From the Dream Tent.

Let's check them out. I don't think

he likes me. Give me a second. My wife

really likes me. He seems polite

and everything, but I don't know.

I wish more people

liked me online. People were just like, whatever.

Probably because I, you know,

always with this whole retirement bullshit.

shit always retiring always leaving because people keep fucking with me thank you for calling the

customer service department your call may be recorded for quality assurance to speak with

a customer service representative please remain on the line all of our customer service

representatives are assisting other customers stay on the line and the next available representative

will gladly assist you thank you for calling epi smooth this is bonnie may i please have your last

name and your zip code my name is cross my zip code is 32808 i live in florida i live

farts i'm sorry what was your zip code again 32808 are you calling about an existing order

no this is a new order i'll try one more time and i think this is the last call today

i hope you all enjoyed this show thank you for calling the customer service department

your call may be recorded for quality assurance to speak with a customer service representative

please remain on the line for calling epi smooth this is mary may have your uh last name and phone

Do you have a phone number to access your order?

My name is Cross.

Can you spell that?

Cross, like Jesus Cross.

Oh, C-R-O-S-S.

Okay.

Do you need your phone number?

I haven't ordered yet.

Why do you need my phone number?

Do you just want it?

Oh, well, most people that call in on the customer service line have an order.

2-2-5-7-2.

Well, I don't.

Sir, if you don't have an order, you could say, oh, I don't have an order yet.

Oh, I don't have an order yet.

How can I help you?

What did you ask me?

How can I help you?

Maybe you could ask.

How can I help you?

Maybe you could ask when I'm talking, first of all.

Maybe you could ask if I have an order.

Well, that's not the way they want us to answer the phone, sir.

I'm pretty stupid.

How can I help you?

Off the script.

Take us out of the box.

I have questions about this product.

If I can answer them, I will, sir.

How can I help you?

I don't know if you can.

Is there a man there that I could talk to?

The EpiSmooth is really made for a woman.

Yeah, but a man might have a better job at answering questions and stuff.

You know what I'm saying?

Well, if you would like to, you can hang up and try and see if another operator will answer, sir.

No, no, no.

I need you.

Does this handle the coarse hairs?

It says, yes, it works on all types of hair from dark and coarse to light peach fuzz.

All right.

Because, I mean, I don't know if you hear me with my gas, but there's like a, it's not making the kind of noise I need it to.

it's kind of oh it's kind of there's like the hair gets in there and it kind of

messes with the the the the the tendons of it yeah that was a good one there uh the coarse

hair is getting in the way of the farting and it doesn't sound like it used to and that's a real

problem for me see you hear that one okay i'm on the gas oh i'm on the gas literally i'm on the

I don't know, maybe a couple more.

I don't know, guys.

Let me see what I got going here.

Anyway, now I'm done.

Okay, so everyone be sure to check out madhouselive.com.

As I said before, shoutcast links are up there.

TuneIn Radio will be reactivated soon.

Very soon, very soon.

You can always call 605-475-0097

if you're unable to use your internet connection.

you can just call on your cell phone your work phone whatever it is listen to live shows when

they're happening or listen to the 24 7 rotation of madhouse radio uh be sure to check out the

chat rooms get discord.gg slash pranks that's the minging discord chat also you've got the

madhouse irc still kicking that's for super fans right there that's you can hit that up

that's the pranko server thanks to ding me up for hooking that up that's over at madhouse

MadHouseLive.com to get to it, or PrankDose.com.

Be sure to look up myself on YouTube, MadHouseRadio.

Subscribe, like on my videos.

New videos will be coming up eventually.

And also while you're there, Calls of Mass Confusion on YouTube.

If you haven't yet, subscribe and like all of those episodes from Season 1.

Season 2 is going to be coming up pretty soon.

Super excited about that.

Follow me on Twitter, MadHouse on Twitter.

Facebook, MadHouse.Live.

And again, Patreon.com slash MadHouse.

Big change with that.

I'm asking just for a dollar donation.

You don't have to.

You can still get all the pranks for free

and all the shows for free

after they're edited and all that stuff.

But hopefully, not set up yet,

but soon, the plan is

if you make a $1 minimum contribution,

you'll get access to the Dropbox.

So you'll need a Dropbox account.

You'll be able to get this show, for example,

within two minutes, it'd be available for you

at Digital Mystic.

And you don't have to deal with

the fucking showreel stuff and all that.

I probably wouldn't even put them on the showreel,

to be honest with you.

Aha, here's the hard sell.

So, got him.

All you guys do is complain about the show real.

You know what I'm saying, man?

All right.

Anyway, peace out, everyone.

Be sure to check out Thursday night.

Matt Hillock, Mocktrap Matt Hillock and Sidekick Zach's going to be doing a show.

And, of course, your boy Dwight over at DwightTheJanitor.com where the Chinese will steal your shit.

They can hook you up with some viruses.

Look him up on YouTube, DwightTheJanitor.

He's got great stuff.

He just had something uploaded today with Facebook trolling.

Check that out.

he does a show

Saturday nights

usually here

10 p.m. Eastern

7 p.m. Pacific

and be sure to check out

Brad Carter

and the Snowplow Show

support all those people

that I just said

everyone has a Patreon

just go to

prankhallnation.com

and figure it out from there

okay

I gotta go

bye

love you guys

peace

muah

penis and you masturbate

Calls (30, 1 h 33 min of 3 h 3 min)

Transcript

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