Fucking Idiot People

what are you a sicko fucking idiot people that's not very polite how you're gonna call someone

stupid all right so why don't you come here and put your freaking mouth under my butt

you're listening to the madhouse radio prank cast

This is Haley. How can I help you?

Hi, Haley. Hi.

Hi.

Hi, how are you? Are you taking orders?

Good, how are you?

Hi, I'm not too good. I'm not doing too good.

Are you taking orders?

You wanted to go order?

Yeah, are you taking orders?

Yes, of course.

Oh, Haley. Hi, how are you?

Good.

Okay, I'd like to make an order, please.

Okay, what are we having?

I'd like one eggs.

How do you want them cooked?

With heat.

I'm sorry?

With heat. With heat.

The eggs?

Mm-hmm.

Well, do you want them over easy, over medium?

Overheat.

You put them overheat so the temperature goes up,

the internal temperature goes up to a certain degree.

Recommended to the requested amount of solidity of the protein matter.

Okay.

You know, you have a surface that you put it on.

Yes, sir.

You should probably use some type of cooking lubricant, light layer.

Do you mind if I put you on hold?

Oh, yeah, really quick, though, okay?

Thank you for holding.

This is Mallory.

Hi, Mallory.

You're another one.

Yes.

Oh, hi. Okay, go ahead with your order.

What would you like?

I'd like one eggs.

Just one egg?

Eggs. Multiple eggs.

So you want two eggs?

One order of eggs.

Okay. What would you like them cooked?

With heat. You put heat on a cooking surface, apply heat to it.

Yeah, would you like them cooked over easy, over medium, over hard, poached, scrambled?

With cooking lubricant.

Okay.

Salt.

Okay.

What else can I get for you?

Put it in the container, a box container.

Yeah.

Write down on the paper what it is that I'm getting, one order eggs.

And then on the right side, there's a column,

and you should be able to put down how many dollars and cents.

The dollars go on the left side, and then there's a period, like a dot.

And then the change part, the cents, you know, go on the right side.

It's two numbers.

Yes.

Okay.

Okay, what's your name?

And then what's the sales tax here?

Five percent.

All right, so you multiply.

Do you have a calculator?

calculator yeah you yeah you know what the computer actually does that for us you multiply

by what is your name and i will have it ready for you 1.0 1.05 you multiply it and then you hit enter

and then it gives you the value of it the full value and then you write that down the dollars

on the left the cents on the right okay and then you put that on the container with a piece of tape

so that it's attached to it yeah you put that in a bag and you put some napkins in there

some silverware and salt and pepper well plastic silverware it's like silverware but it's plastic

yeah and then yeah it's plastic utensils and you don't want to put the whole big thing of

salt you want to just put one little little plastic it's a piece of paper folded like a

pocket like a pillow you know that you use when you sleep and inside is salt and one and then

And it says saw. Do you know how to spell saw?

I do.

Okay, good, good. Do you want to sound it out with me?

Saw.

No, I don't.

Saw. How does that go?

What goes like that?

Saw.

I'm very patient with you.

Saw, saw.

Withered on the vine.

Happy birthday, Milkman.

Saw.

Never mind.

Saw.

Far out, man. Far out.

Let's try to call back.

Let me see if I can get her again.

Not Haley, the other one.

It didn't go.

It didn't make go.

Make go.

This is Mallory.

Sa.

You don't have to hang up.

I can help you.

Sa.

Well, how it goes.

No, I can't have you holding the phone line up.

This is a business and we are starting to have a shower.

I'll just tell you.

So if you'd like some eggs, we'll go ahead and get them ready for you.

I'll just tell you.

S-A, right?

All right.

Then what goes la, la, la, la, la?

Very impatient, that one.

Very poor bedside manner, this bed bed.

I'll say.

Attention all units, attention all units, Mr. Sargent, do they go?

Attention all units, Mr. Sargent, do they go?

You ain't going to get breakfast in bed over there.

We are changing from a code three direct pursuit.

Not in bed.

Uh-uh.

Completely lost.

We're doing commoners.

Thank you for calling Eggington's.

This is Haley.

How can I help you?

Yes.

How do you spell it?

What starts with S?

Sa, sa, sa.

Do you know how it goes?

This is Mallory.

Hey, Mallory.

I'm sorry.

All right, can we just do the order?

I'll stop being silly.

I'm really hungry.

I'm sorry.

Okay, what can I get for you?

One eggs.

Okay.

How would you like them cooked?

Hot.

Okay.

I am the manager, and I have to ask you to stop.

Very nice, honey.

Very nice.

Good for you.

Well, they just all line up.

This isn't funny.

Good for you, honey.

Good for you.

They make you manager good.

That was sick.

that's all i'm good for man i love that

i love doing that shit even in this political climate that we're in now where you

have to be careful what you do and say to the woman

you offer the proper greeting good times well yeah happy birthday milkman it's also halloween

2017 you're listening to madhouse radio thank you man good to have you um real quick

and still counting real quick let me give out the counting buddy it's 87 now let me give out

the information here for everyone may not know everything of how everything is the website of

of the show. It will be as it is, as it

should be. Right?

The website of the show,

I forget what it is. Milkman, do you remember?

You've been on, been a while since you've been on.

It's like that, it's like that

madhouseradio.com

Yeah, exactly.

On Gorg. Madhouselive.com

Madhouselive.com

If you're

wanting to tune in

wherever you are, the

different options are available there.

I recommend using the TuneIn Radio

radio app if you're on your tablet or your cell phone, your smartphone, or behind a computer

machine of any flavor. We also have shoutcast links there if you're stuck in the 90s. You can

also call from anywhere if you're going to be in an area where you've got a working phone, let's say

work or out or something, but you don't have any internet connection. Let's say you were driving

in a dead zone where you don't get internet data, but you got enough, you can make phone calls.

you can call in 605-475-0097

that really makes this accessible

to like the whole world

like people out in Africa

could call in that number technically

605-475-0097

you want to chat

the community has a chat room

over at discord.gg slash pranks

I would also ask that you

seek out calls to mass confusion

COMC on YouTube

that's the video prank collaboration

I've been doing with people

People such as Brad RBCP Carter and Jesus in a Dump Truck and Dwight the Janitor McClanahan.

Follow me on Twitter at Madhouse on Twitter.

Madhouse.live on Facebook.

Don't forget we've got the Patreon going.

Patreon.com slash Madhouse.

You can contribute and help support this show as so many of you do.

I'm going to try to start incorporating like every other prank call show out there in the world.

Or at least give a shout out to at least one of those people per show.

You're putting me on the spot right now, so I don't know off the top of my head who I could.

But I'll work that out for the next one.

You can donate at least $1 there.

You'll become a malicious status.

That means you'll get this podcast here.

This show will become available within the next 72 hours.

Edited and full version, free to the public.

If you give at least $1 on Patreon, as soon as I'm off the air, you get a full unedited copy of this in your Dropbox.

You have to have a Dropbox account.

account um you get a copy of that that you can download in your browser or get on your dropbox

uh automatically you can actually set it up to go automatically to your computer or your cell

phones and shit like that anyway that's one dollar that's all i asked for you go up to five dollars

you also get access to the madhouse discord channel which is a more quick direct way to get

a hold of me because i have that on all the time and in a screen in front of me no matter where i'm

at if you want to get me a message you ask me a question i am much much much much more likely to

to respond to anything you have to say to this show if you have access to that this that doesn't

mean if you hit me up on facebook i won't get to you but that's lower priority because i get a lot

of messages i'm not trying to act like i'm king kong ding dong here but i get a lot of people

hitting me up on a daily basis and that's true i'm not i'm not one of those dudes who says that

and it's not true it's a real thing milkman you have any thoughts any complaints no okay no i was

I was asking you, is the call-in number, 605-da-da-da, is that limited on the amount of people who can call in and listen?

I'm not sure.

As far as I know, it's unlimited.

That service doesn't tell me that they have.

I think if it gets to a certain number of people, they might start sneaking an ad here and there when you first call in.

But right now, actually, yeah, I usually test it.

My bad.

Let me show everyone how that works.

So you can pick up a phone right now and dial 605-475-0097.

We'll give that a call.

I'll let everyone see what that sounds like.

Right now, this is me talking, and it has very low delay.

The times that I've tried it out, it has a very low delay.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, very low delay.

Like, that I've tried it out, has a very low delay.

Let's count how many seconds.

One, two, three, four, five.

Five-second delay.

That's it.

Just a five-second delay.

That's not bad at all, man.

That's better than using Shout because I get a longer delay if I try to listen on TuneIn on my apps.

I'd rather just call that shit.

But, yeah, that's available.

It has no ads that I know of right now.

You can just call it.

It just lets you right through.

You can hear the show.

Kind of cool, right?

So, everyone, take advantage of that.

That's 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365.

If there's not a live show playing, which is most of the time, there's an old episode of Madhouse from anywhere from 2005 to today, basically.

All right.

Wow, the whole game of the archives is the appearance.

Yep, just shows, nothing else.

Just our Madhouse shows.

No separate pranks or nothing, and they're all randomized.

They're not in any order.

Right.

Right, right, right, right.

House of Sushi.

I know you're a big sushi fan there, Milkman.

Let me do a quick...

That's on my list, man, of birthday dinners, man.

Yeah, I got some sake.

Yeah, I got some money back here.

I got some kakasuki.

kaka kaka pb give me a just gonna take a second here for me to figure out hang on i'm i'm a little

i took the day off for work for milkman for halloween party tonight i'm gonna dress up as

phantom of the op no i'm kidding i'm not going to a halloween party i'm dressing up i'm gonna

say that milkman put that on the big board i'm dressing up as phantom of the opera i'll write

it down please it's your birthday i'll write things down on the big board get my big easel

uh pretty soon hopefully uh hey look the whole point with patreon man like i'm being honest with

you if i'm at least making enough to to update things for madhouse i'm more inclined to do the

shows on a regular basis so right now that my my promise is two shows a month two live shows a

month uh edited within 72 hours for everyone to download i'm also going to be doing off at least

once a week i'll i'll do a new prank call off air either with like you know some of the some of the

the United Federation, the Commonwealth of Independent Prankers,

such as Dwight and people like that.

We'll do pranks off-air, Matt, stuff like that.

And any that I do that are good that I can get a copy of

and everyone's okay with me releasing, I'll do that.

Or sometimes I might just jump on and just do some pranks

because I have like 30 minutes during my lunch break

and I'll just do some pranks to record them on the cell phone

and go from there, you know what I mean?

So anyway...

Yeah, yeah.

So what did I say I was going to do?

What am I?

Phantom of the Opera.

phantom uh you know if you want the expedited service dude you can go to the next level

yeah that gold star level and you get all the music too like because i cut out the music for

for time and for content i'll cut out you'll get everything nothing's going to be really

deleted on on that so and that's instant so yeah gratification buddies you need to hear the hits

you don't get rewind man all you gotta do is check your drop box if you get the gold star

right and these prank calls that you'll get they will eventually become available after 30 days

after about a month i'll release them to everybody but they'll be available as patreon exclusives for

the first 30 days and that's check it out that's super expedited because i've never wanted to have

it make it so you have to pay to listen to all the stuff that we do and that keeps with that

but if you want it a little quicker you could throw me a dollar it's all massive as a dollar

That's all I ask for that.

And it's not going to be wasted, dude.

We're talking like the actual thing is there's going to be waste on equipment, like for the studio.

Yeah, because look, I'm not making stuff up.

I'm not making stuff up.

I need two laptops right now to get my setup so that I can have Milkman on here and he can hear the full audio like normal.

It'll make it a lot easier to broadcast.

That's an equipment upgrade.

That's number one.

That's laptop number one.

Laptop number two is going to make it so that I can do YouTube live video as I'm doing the show.

I need a second laptop in order to handle that.

I can't do it all by myself.

There's an additional upgrade there that will facilitate additional services.

I'm not looking to buy a new, like, top-of-the-line Mac or something.

I'm literally going to go on eBay and buy something for a couple hundred bucks or something,

something user-refurbished.

That's all I'm looking to do.

There's stuff like that that I have coming up that I've got to do.

You've got to run XP or Windows 7, dude.

We're in business.

Look, here's another example.

So like the app that I use on my iPad for stuff like playing the sound effects,

like Oh God Bill, like this here, applause, Saul falling down, peck, peck.

So the app that I used to use for that, I did my iOS upgrade to iOS 11,

and the app that I had paid for actually a couple years ago

and had all set up for my soundboard.

Oh, it's Marginal Keaton?

No, it's just it's incompatible,

and the people that used to make the app,

they haven't updated it in two years anyway,

so it's obviously not going to get updated.

So there's an app out there that will handle the way that I need it to work,

full functionality, like a professional soundboard.

It's $35.

It's a one-time $35 fee.

So it's a great app, though.

It is not cheap.

No, it's not.

It's good stuff.

It's an Apple,

it's an app store thing.

But, you know,

you're getting

something that works.

Yeah.

And what that means

is you're going to get

improved sound quality

in your show

and additional laughter

seamlessly added

to the show.

Exactly.

See, there you go.

You got,

that's the ticket.

That's the ticket, Milkman.

You understand the ticket.

Good for you.

I think that's the way

it should be

because these are

actually what you're hearing

is our behind-the-scenes talk.

We said we're going to

have a business meeting,

you know,

just like stuff we just got

on how we can improve

the quality for our listeners, you know, we love you guys out there and we want you to

have more laughs with us, so these improvements finally manifest themselves with this little

program, we come up with this little program, and if this program is successful, we're going

to have quite a substantial amount of superstars, so everybody that gets enthusiastic, gets

interested, gets on board, you know, you're only going to have to laugh for everybody

Come on, everybody, get in the car.

Get in the van.

Join the millennia.

Yeah.

I'll be right back.

Let me get the caller ID and all that set up.

We'll start some prank calls here.

Some more.

I'm getting hungry, man.

I don't have no heat.

I'm getting some beans for breakfast.

Well, I got heat for the banger.

Beans for breakfast once again.

Hard to eat them from the beginning

She cuts the dishes

Nasty lunch

Cold toppings on my windowsill

That's mostly made in a bar

So bad I thought I'd die

Hey, how you doing?

I had some beans for breakfast

Alright, so I go into a holiday party tonight

And I'm gonna be dressed as the Phantom of the Opera

I'd like to bring some sushi

Hello? What, dude, really? Come on, man

I had a whole story

I'm sorry, Milkman, you didn't get connected

down from the fire that i built in your closet by mistake

hello how's the sushi yeah hey calling to make an order calling to make an order to pick up tonight

oh okay what can i all right one sashimi give me one second you got by a computer actually

what computer stop all the downloading beans for breakfast once again

okay did you want to make an order yep how can i get it uh one sushi didn't ask me how i wanted

or the sushi come on beans for breakfast hello you didn't ask me how i wanted the sushi i said

yeah how to make an order yeah okay what do you get one sushi okay what do you what sushi what

do you want uh like uh let's see over easy okay didn't they say that's how they want orders these

places hello yeah one sushi he's not hanging up right we got numbers from big parkman parkman

What in the hell is going on?

This guy will not get you over easy.

It's a warped man.

All right, man.

That's the man.

All right.

You got nothing.

Looking out.

Sir.

Beekeeper, can we help you?

Yeah, hi.

How are you?

Good.

Is this bee removal?

Yes.

How can we help you today?

Yeah, I just took out a life insurance policy on my wife, and she happens to be allergic

to bees.

How many bees could I get for, let's say, $20?

What?

I'm looking to see how many bees I can get for $20.

What?

You have reached the beekeeper.

Please leave your name.

The beekeeper.

I got a bug.

You're good, bud.

Keeper, how can I help you today?

Yeah, hi.

Is this bee removal?

It's called bee removal.

Okay.

I was looking to see if I can make an order.

We don't.

We only do bee removal, sir.

That's all we do.

Okay, okay.

Do you have any suggestions then?

For what, sir?

Well, my son is scared of bee machines, so I was out there swatting at a, there was like a bee thing,

like they had a bee nest that someone delivered to my house in my yard,

and I started swatting at it with a baseball bat, and they're flying all around.

They're around and around, all over, all around the house.

We don't give the insurance reasons.

We cannot suggest, you know, anybody do any kind of removal.

All we can say is call an expert to remove.

removed are b machines scared of smoke yeah due to insurance reasons and liability all we can tell

you is call an expert and have have it removed but your b removal yeah we can remove it for you so

you're saying but you're not an expert you people are you're just amateurs yeah we are we charge

195 for removal sir uh per b or like just a dollar 95 how many b's are in 100 100 195 per

How many bees normally are there in a bee machine?

A bee machine? You mean a beehive?

Yeah, the machine that they live in.

That's a beehive.

I thought it was called a machine.

No.

Isn't that where they go to make honey and make love?

Yeah, it's called a beehive.

All right. Okay.

We charge $195 for removal. Would you like to schedule an appointment, sir?

Do I get to kill the bees?

We'll capture them and take them away, sir.

No, no, I don't want you to take them away to, like, put them back on a farm or something.

I want to kill them. I want to destroy them.

I want to teach them a lesson. I want to drown them.

I want to kill the queen in front of them, and then I want to take care of all the other ones.

The first thing I like to do is put them in a camp to make them...

Sir, do you need to schedule an appointment in? We're real busy right now.

I want to make them, I want to force them to make honey for me.

Fucking idiot people.

Hey, fuck you, motherfucker!

Motherfucker.

And Idiot Maple.

Please take a shit out of your mouth, buddy.

Because you're damn busy catching bees when you go on the fucking phone, you piece of fucking shit.

Fuck on, Idiot Maple.

That's good customer service right there.

Tell you what.

I've got it.

All right, let's call some Arby's.

You get that venison sandwich at Arby's?

I want to find out if they were going to use the suction machine.

vacuum suction machine to remove those because that's what they use welcome to the rb's guest

experience survey this survey should be no longer than five minutes put a vacuum on

please enter the four-digit restaurant number as shown on your receipt when finished press the

pound key well a lot of these things are now making you do this asking if you'll do a survey

be at the end right when you hang up and you gotta cue that and then once you tell it yep

the kind of shit i've been seeing man can i help you yeah is this how's my driving line

now we're third-party monitoring service what can i help you with oh what do you how do you

monitor with computers are you calling to report a vehicle well i was asking a question first could

you answer it or are you just trying to get to the biscuits of it what's wrong i didn't realize

you had a whole time so i figured we could you know be a little pleasant to each other is that

that okay are you calling to report a vehicle yeah i'm calling to report a vehicle but i asked

you a question what's the vehicle number you're calling to report can you answer answer a question

first and why do you keep glossing over like i'm not saying it are you stupid are

you stupid?

Are you deaf also?

one but that's not very polite how you're going to call someone stupid are you stupid deaf okay

i'm going to hang up and this is a recorded line and a federal line federal line my ass what

federation of what sir you have a good day do not call this what do you mean the federal line do you

really want me to believe it's a federal line stupid this is a federal line yes the trucker

safety line is a federal line a dealer network how can i help you yeah what bureau do you work

for in the federal government this is safe dealer network where you report driving on the road are

you a part of the federal government we are a monitoring service sir are you calling to report

someone's right are you part of the federal government are you a third party like a

independent company in the private sector with third-party monitoring service so you're not

a federal employee you're saying right i just we're a third-party monitoring service

Why are you answering my questions with questions?

Vehicle number one, **** eggs.

Okay, and what state did this happen in?

In Colorado.

What city?

In Chevy, Colorado.

And what street or highway did this happen on?

A highway machine.

And what happened?

Me and the guy in the truck met at a bar on the highway, like a highway stop.

And we had steak and red wine, and I made a lot of love at the hotel with him.

and they'll call him because he didn't call me back

and I want his name because he's the love of my life.

Sir, okay, and your name?

Cross.

And I can identify his sexual organs.

I have pictures of him.

I'm going to blackmail him.

Can you put that in there?

All right, we're a third-party monitoring service.

I'll go ahead and get it over to you.

Why do you say that again?

Why do you keep throwing that around,

that you're a third-party monitoring service?

Because that's what we are, sir.

Well, you told me once.

Why do you have to tell me again?

What's the point of that?

Because that is what we're supposed to tell people.

Is that the name of your company?

Okay, so the only thing you're reporting is that y'all met at a bar,

and he's not calling you back?

Yeah, yeah, and I think that's kind of rude, you know?

We met on Tinder, and I think that's only fair that he called me back.

We made love.

We made love, and he said he was going to leave his wife for me and everything.

Yes, sir, this is not about personal issues.

Well, I said the same.

This is only about driving on the road.

I said the same thing, okay?

And I already left my wife, and it's his turn now.

Now, I told my wife everything that happened.

But we don't have anything to do with that.

We were going to meet here at the restaurant again.

Okay, have a good day.

I drove 30 minutes out of my way, and I'm here waiting now, and he didn't show up.

And that's not right.

And we also had sex while he was driving in his truck, and that's dangerous.

Let me tell you one thing.

You call this line again, I am reporting you.

Look, don't give me the black attitude, okay?

I don't need that.

No, you don't call this line again.

I do what I want.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to turn you in.

That's what I'm going to do.

For what?

For making a complaint?

And we have all the recordings of you talking your gay stuff on the phone.

We are reporting you.

Have a good day.

So I can't be gay now?

Wow.

Your gay stuff on the phone.

Come on.

Your gay, your gay, your gay stuff on the phone.

Gay stuff on the phone.

Oh, violent attitude that she's displaying.

And I don't think it's necessary.

I don't think it's necessary.

I hope you're all enjoying yourself this afternoon or morning, depending on where you are.

This is Madhouse Radio Show for Halloween, a.k.a. Milkman's birthday.

Happy birthday, Milkman.

Aw, dude.

We're doing some number sending by Big Parkman.

Let me mark that.

Thank you, Parkman.

Courtesy of the Parkman.

Yeah.

Courtesy of the Parkman.

Um, we got a Milker Center.

Fuller's Milker Center.

This one's for you, Milkman, because of milk and all that.

You're making me thirsty.

I still need something.

Yeah, I can't wait to get that sour taste of milk in my mouth.

Hello?

Hello, good afternoon, Fuller.

Yeah, I'm having a problem with Milkman.

Hey, what can I do to help?

He won't pick up his phone when I call.

Who are you trying to call?

Milkman.

He keeps making an old man voice since 2005, and he won't play games, stuff like that.

he said he told me he was real rude to me i called him once and he was like i'm not playing

games here he said like that really rude and nasty to me oh no yeah and he's he's talking to

me now and he's being mean and nasty oh no yeah he's a motherfucker you know that oh no yeah hey

what are you doing there what kind of milkers you got oh you know who this is come on you know

No, I don't.

Come on.

Come on, guess.

If you guess right, I'll tell you.

No.

Come on, guess.

Is it the boogeyman?

Yes, it's the boogeyman.

Hey, how are you?

Whatever you're on, you can bring some over here because you should be sharing because I think you're overdosed.

Oh, yeah?

Okay.

Yeah, I'm on marijuana, cigarettes, and green tea.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

Yeah, so do you want to hang out?

Hey, do you like Chipotle?

Not especially.

Do you?

I mean, it's a good meal.

I mean, what do you like to eat for lunch?

What do you want to have for lunch today?

You're a big girl.

I'm sure you could fit some more in that big belly of yours.

You eat a lot of food, I bet, don't you?

You sound like a big girl.

I'm huge.

Yeah, you want to go to the...

What about dinner?

You want to meet at Macaroni Grill?

Yeah.

Do you like Macaroni Grill?

Yeah, I'll do all you can eat.

All you can eat at Macaroni Grill?

The pasta you're saying?

Yeah.

Do they do that?

No.

That's the only thing.

I just wanted to see if you knew.

No, I didn't know.

You just made it up.

I can't believe you're single. You sound so incredible.

Yeah, I'm a good guy. I'm good.

I like licking labia and sucking clit.

I like the female sexual organ. I like all of it.

Every single inch of it.

This is like the best mongrel I've ever had at work.

Yay!

Who else is there I could talk dirty to and be demeaning to?

Oh, Rooster's here. Would you like to talk to him?

He's a real cock-a-doodle-doo.

Yeah, put that cock on the phone.

He's standing right here.

Hey, you big penis, how you doing?

What?

How you doing, you big penis, you?

I'm doing fantastic, and how are you?

I'm good.

How big is your sexual organs?

Why are you so curious?

Well, you sound like you got a big dong.

He told me I sound fat.

Why don't you show it to her?

Show her your penis.

Let's play.

Let's play naughty.

Show her your penis.

I already did.

Show her your penis.

We work together, you psycho.

So you guys get naked all the time?

You've seen your dicks?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah?

That's what we do.

We milk each other.

That's what we do here.

Oh, why don't you give him a blowjob?

The girls milk the boys.

the boys fuck the girls why don't you give him a blowjob now we can hear i want to hear it i'm not

in the mood right now sorry sir oh you just get some yeah yeah my last stop you already porked

her yeah all right well fuck you all right i hope you fucking die both of you i hope you fucking die

all right they left it wasn't me that hung up they didn't i hope you fucking

i love those stupid prank calls wow they were cool man i like them we gotta call them back

sometimes maybe they're just too fun and that's okay man i don't get anything out of that like

when i hear a show and it's like that it's like teehee we're all friends now i'm like

oh i know you old fucking turd you gotta start laughing again i don't think it's funny and what

i don't really and i you know what i really don't like is musical comedy like when i'm watching

saturday night live and they start breaking into a funny song i'm like click i'm done i don't like

Like, I don't find anything funny, there's nothing funny about a song like that.

Maybe some of that Adam Sandler shit back in the day, but come on, let's get on.

I was going to say Adam Sandler.

Maybe.

Yeah, it's kind of, you know, it's better on the, and they didn't have that before they

went to Saturday Night Live, so you're not going to see anything good like that.

That's not in both.

You've got to be like a whore or a singer.

Adam Sandberg, someone said in the chat room, I didn't catch who it was, but Gold

Star for you.

We don't have that sound effect because we've got to raise the $35 first.

but uh he does do some funny musical stuff on snl but like it's like when they do the skit

and they do one per episode you know it's it's a live skit it's not the pre-recorded stuff it's a

live skit but it's a musical thing you know or like the oscars like when they start doing them

every episode they got billy crystal's unfunny ass up there i'm gonna do a song and jive and

the song part where we sing

and I make the joke saying it's

ha ha ha ha

well it's so funny cause I'm doing it singing

it's kinda like that's too laughing man

if I wouldn't be able to laugh at it

if it wasn't to music

I am not interested thank you

have you ever seen Laugh-In

you know they do a lot of that singing shit

well Laugh-In would just dance for like 20 minutes

all they do is dance

singing and dancing

it'd be like a mock-up Broadway kinda

you know with costumes and shit

I ain't got time for that, man.

Yeah.

The costume.

It's kind of like an old-type genre, you know.

Here comes a costume place, Milkman.

Costume place.

Avenue.

We are open 11 a.m.

Well, they sure ain't opening today.

Fuck yeah, this is a good song.

Palin Jordan hooking up what should be a live Arby's person.

Let's try that.

I could use that number.

Remember, Milkman, did you know about that Verizon burger?

The venison burger?

No, we can see if they can deliver it by Uber.

Let's find out if Arby's can deliver it by Uber.

This place must be busy with all the nerds coming in.

Thanks for calling Costume Adventist.

We are...

Why did they put it there?

No McDonald's.

Your call cannot be completed as dialed.

Please call the helper and dial again.

Say what?

what mcdonald's what does uber order you can like flip order do an uber uber eats yeah have you done

any or mcdonald's have you done oh fuck that hell no dude that's stupid man that's for suckers that's

a sucker bitch man what do you mean a sucker like you don't get any money off of it for doing it or

dude you don't make no money hell no dude you're you're fucking you're you're making the company

money dude in time really stupid dude yeah giving out tips you know it's a bunch of bullshit see

See, that's bullshit, dude.

It's so long.

All right, here's the bullshit.

I know they got their whole thing about Uber and the tips.

I always give a cash tip when I Uber, all right?

Because fuck that shit.

You taught me.

We talked about this on the air.

Everyone out there, if you're using Uber, tip your Uber guy.

If you're using Lyft, it's already in the app.

You're allowed to tip.

But that's some bullshit.

But, dude, especially if you're doing Uber Eats, where you're getting food delivered by an Uber driver, fucking tip that.

for all that wait time, dude.

Come on, man, yeah, no, that's a lot of work, man.

Listen to you, in the rain, in the rain, all kinds of bullshit.

That's bullshit.

That's when it gets really busy because no one wants to go out in the rain, dude.

That's when everybody wants you to go and get your shit, dude.

You don't even get a tip.

You see that?

And that's what I'm saying.

That'd be a great boon for the drivers to keep them driving even when there's rain.

It's like, look, yeah, there's rain.

Normally your business would be down, but hey, here's some business you can do.

But it is, you've got to park in a spot where there's nowhere to park, right?

Kind of like a double park, trying not to get a ticket.

Go in the restaurant, right?

So you're going to get wet going in.

You're going to be bringing people's food and shit back out while you're getting wet.

Essentially, their shit's getting wet.

Yeah.

Then you've got to go over there while it's fucking wet and fucking everybody else out

there doing their own bullshit, whatever they're doing.

And then you've got to wait for the fucking customer because, like, you know, or if you've

got a worse thing, you've got to take it to their door.

Exactly.

You've got to double park and go through the rain again.

So you're taking a risk of getting it.

It took 45 minutes to get $4 for that.

Yeah, and depending on where you're picking up the food or where you're parking,

and especially in some cities, you get a ticket.

And they will not pay for the ticket.

Yeah, right?

That's horseshit.

And everyone out there should know.

I'm presuming everyone knows.

I can't imagine anyone in this day and age does not tip a food delivery person.

Why would you not do that, man?

You know what I mean?

That's fucked up.

Just because they're Uber, you should still tip them.

Don't be a cheap-ass.

And here's the point I got, you know, my point is that, you know, fantastic, they now allow Uber, now allows customers to tip, right?

But, I mean, the point is, is why the fuck is it the customer's responsibility to make up what Uber should have given us in the first place, right?

They should have fucking given it their decent rate, then you could get it as you need it to.

But no, they got to make it so now the only way you can get what you should, and it's not enough, but what you should get is to rely on the customers.

time for extra generosity right and really super bullshit it's their shit that's causing the

problem they need it no it's very much appreciated it's seriously very much appreciated because we

make 60 cents a mile wait times are down like 12 cents 7 cents a minute how much a mile 60

60 cents a mile you make that's it wow so short trips are the worst dude of course and listen

Dude, that's the wait times are down to 7 cents, 12 cents a minute, okay?

So, 10 minutes, 10 cents a minute would be a dollar.

Half hour, you'd pay $3, and a ride only maybe was $4 to begin with.

Dude, you'd be fucking wanting to beat the customer up, just get him to get out of the

fucking car so you can get out and go get another customer, but you're stuck in traffic.

So, you're not going to make any money anyway, see?

So, you're really fucked, dude.

So, they got the wait times so low.

Oh, dude, it's like it's impossible to make any money in wait time.

So anybody that's driving all the time, man,

is fucking slow and all around stoplights and shit, dude,

you are losing money big time.

They're fucking ripping you off.

Well, that's on the, I mean, Uber seems to be,

for a company that's never made a profit,

they sure do screw their drivers a lot, it seems.

I think that Uber's just looking to get into automated driving in the long game.

That's their long con.

They're taking a loss now.

because eventually they're going to eliminate most of the drivers.

Their whole thing is this, dude.

Here, let me tell you.

Here's the perspective.

They want to get out of the having to pay the driver part

and just want to have the car pick you up

and take you where you want to go, and that's it.

That's what they want.

Here's the thing.

They don't want anybody to know.

You never hear about it, but they've got very good media squelching campaigns.

But the news is they lost their law case with drivers.

The drivers have a class action lawsuit against them.

Over the tipping, right?

They lost it a couple years ago.

So if you kind of look back in evolution and time and their propaganda,

about two and a half years ago, they started talking about robot cars, automated driving,

and that's the next best thing since Clyde's Fred.

At the same time, for the drivers, they cut our bonuses out.

They started changing the surges.

They started doing what you call a micro surge, a surge that's a half a block long.

You know, you're supposed to drive from while we're from maybe to get over that one little surge

You know the little games like that then they say they create a program that if you do not accept your shitty calls

They lock you out of the system. They say you take whatever they give you and like there's no way for you to communicate with them

You're not email them even now

They used to have it, but they stopped doing that. You couldn't even get a phone number to reason

like they finally know the phone number so i mean and this is like over a period of more than five

years i've been watching this shit and this part of it right so uh this has always been their

boss the first fucking time i had a problem man i need to go there too i went to an office and

they wouldn't let me in because i didn't have a text or email from them telling them the guard

at the door that i needed to go in there wow you know it's like hey motherfucker i'm not here to

busy you know i'm not here to socialize and shit you know i'm here because this this phone is not

operational and i need the device repaired or replaced or whatever you know we need to get

moving you know you're denying the customer a five-star experience motherfuckers you know i mean

that's the way i look at it you know you're holding the whole shit up you know i didn't

come over here to check out how hot it is are you about to lay around on couches and shit

i know what the fuck's going on fuck dude all i want is you to fix your shit and go man i'm like

better dude you can do a three i'll be in and out of here man so it's completely closed ended

so what device what device was it that they needed to fix like a gps device or something

to get here no originally you could get the phone with them they didn't allow you to have

your phone that was something later oh because they stopped investing in phones where it is

their application got so fucking big it wouldn't run on a normal phone i'd be on a brand new phone

Shit.

We're forced to upgrade all the time.

Gotcha.

Um, Milkman, I gotta go check on the dog over here real quick.

He's just whining.

For calling Arby's Guest Support, where we strive to make it right for every guest,

please hold while we direct you to the next available guest support team member.

For quality and training purposes, this call will be recorded.

Good afternoon.

Thank you for calling Arby's Guest Support.

My name is Mary.

How can I help you?

Hey, how you doing, Big Mary?

I'm not bad.

How are you?

Uh, I don't know.

Just got home.

That's good.

You're obviously alive and breathing, so that's good, too.

I was at the doctor.

I had a bad experience at Arby's.

That'll be my day tomorrow.

I had a bad experience at Arby's, so...

Oh, what happened?

They put me in the doctor.

I had to go to urgent care.

Okay, what did you eat?

I ate a venison burger.

And you had to go to urgent care?

What's at urgent care, Sadia?

you they said that the venison burger was um inedible is what they i brought a sample of it

they said it was inedible it was too old okay so doctor said meat was old and what was the

diagnosis they gave you they said that you people have sold me a burger made of venison and it was

it was rotten and i ate it okay so i'm sorry that you got sick from the venison do you happen to

remember the store number location number the zip code to the store that you ate in so i can

forward this off to the appropriate people looking well first of all why did they agree

to sell me venison burger i cannot speak for the store i'm in guest relations i really don't know

i cannot answer for them i don't even know which store it is so i don't know if it's corporate or

franchise and until i know that i really can't speak for the store if it's privately owned and

they 8268 2604 yeah i'm not coming up with anything under that zip code do you remember

what street the store is on okay and that's in casper yeah yeah yeah yeah okay and what date

was the visit on uh when were you guys selling the venison burger it was different in every location

i'm not sure i would need to know when you were there no there was one big day nationwide no there

wasn't it was like a week and not every store had it for a full week it would depend on the location

and i'm not sure it was just one day it no sir it was for six days no it wasn't it was one day

100 per location you're very wrong is there a man i can talk to who might know a man that might know

i'm sorry but i'm not going to take any sexist remarks like that if just because i'm a woman

does not mean i cannot help you well you just don't seem to be educated and you're having

trouble with your computer but i understand because no i'm not having trouble with my

computer and i do know that it was on for six days you're unfortunate disability you know what

sir if you're going to be rude to me i will release the call i do not need to take abuse

from you i'm being pleasant i'm sorry i didn't mean it no you're not you're saying i have

disabilities and stuff and you're insulting me and i do not need to take that you don't have

like disability you would like to it was listen come on it was 10 days ago it was october 21st

all locations had 100 of the sandwiches you're very wrong that's why i said maybe another man

Another person, like a man, might know.

Correct.

You know, because venison...

Okay, you know what?

You know what?

I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not going to take discrimination.

I will release the call at this time.

I'm not discriminating.

You can always call guest support again.

I love women.

I'm married.

I have a daughter.

I have a mother.

Oh.

Milkman, buddy, where are you?

You haven't made any noise since I came back from the break.

Should I call you back?

Hey, are you able to hear?

I didn't hang up on you.

Oh, okay, okay.

I thought you were still doing the call, man.

I had it turned down a little bit.

Oh, no.

It was ringing in my ear.

Okay, yeah, okay.

I'll flip back over.

Okay, we'll flip.

Okay, bye.

Oakland Museum, they have a lot of curated and artistically very special.

Oh, God.

We're back.

Look, man, you got a background.

You're watching CNN back there, man.

All right, makes it go away now.

All right, let's try to call back.

What I'm trying to get at is that I ate the venison burger 10 days after they were on sale,

and I got sick, and it's their fault, because I ate the burger 10 days after it went on sale.

You're not trying to call me again, are you?

No.

Ah, shit.

My bad.

Whoops.

Okay, I just double-checked.

My bad, my bad.

I hit the wrong button.

Hang on.

Oh, no.

Now you're stuck on hold.

Are you there?

Okay, I got it.

I got it.

Yeah, okay.

We're calling Arby's Guest Support.

I want to thank everyone tuning in, all 98 of you, despite the fact that it's the middle of the day and this was an unannounced show, unless you're on Patreon.

If you're a Patreon member and you happen to be in the Discord chat room, I guess you'd have to be a horse level.

There's two levels of Patreon. There's $1 Militia, $5 Horse.

remain on the line

and your call

will be answered

in the order it was received.

get access to the Discord

and I posted in there yesterday,

hey, heads up,

I'll be doing a show

1 p.m. Eastern tomorrow.

Here we are.

It's tomorrow.

Wow.

Check it out.

That's cool.

Yeah.

Horse machine.

Man, we got horse machine.

Again, nothing that you get

for being a Patreon member

is unaccessible.

As a valued Arby's guest,

your call is very important to us.

That's all it is.

Thank you for holding.

All of our associates are currently assisting other guests.

Please remain on the line, and your call will be answered in the order it was received.

You get the shows three days early and unedited, and you get the pranks a month early.

Right on the cue, you get hot off the press.

And even still, if you were listening right now, live, you got to hear that prank.

That's Patreon-only.

So you were able to hear it.

But that way you didn't have to wait to catch it on the show and wait for it to be edited.

We never had this kind of lunch in the old days.

You had to, like, kind of, like, meet in the crowd and try to, like, get the attention of the moderator.

Thank you for calling at Arby's.

Get support.

This is Shalili.

How can I help you?

Hi, Shalili.

Lalini.

Hi, Lili.

Shalili.

Hello.

How can I help you?

Yes.

Hi, Shalili.

I was calling because I had a problem with Arby's.

I had food there, and it was rotten after I ate it, I guess.

It was found out I ended up in urgent care, and I had diarrhea, and I'm still in the bathroom in and out.

I might have to go to the bathroom during this call.

That way you didn't end up having to go to the toilet.

Take a shit, you know.

We apologize for this.

Could you please tell me which location have you visited?

Give me a second.

I have to go to the bathroom, right?

Give me a second.

I'm hearing that I got to use the toilet.

I have to sit on the toilet.

I'm so sick.

They said it was going to be like this for 24 hours, and I can't work tomorrow.

Because of the food poisoning.

Are you there?

Yes, I'm still here.

If you want, you can take time and call us later.

No, no, I have to take care of it now because I have to go now to the pharmacy.

I have to go pick up my medication, you know.

Okay, okay.

Sir, could you please tell me which location have you visited?

In Casper, Wyoming.

You visited Casper, Wyoming.

Okay.

Did you go to the drive-thru, eating, or carry-out?

I went in because it was the day that the Verizon burger was being sold.

sir may i get your first and last name please cross cross to your last name

Ah, Valente.

Valente.

Can I get your phone number, please?

Just a moment, please.

Okay, just while I'm here, you know.

I feel like I have to eat my bladders full.

I'm going to send the report right away.

You will be contacted back by our team.

But wait a minute.

Why did they sell me the hamburger?

Why did they sell me that and it was rotten?

It would get me sick.

Why?

Sir, we extremely apologize for this.

We need to investigate about it because I'm in corporate office.

We need to contact the location to find out what is going on.

Thank you so much to let us know.

You will be contacted back by our team, okay?

Can you let me explain more?

I mean, you didn't take much information.

We will call you back to take the information.

It seems like you're not fine.

I'm going to give you more.

I want to give you more information right now, I said.

Okay, may I get your meeting address, please?

It's not for laughing. It's not for laughing.

I'm not laughing, sir. May I get your meeting address, please?

I don't want to give you that yet. I want to give you the story about what happened.

I need to say this to somebody because it's weighing heavy on my heart.

And I want to say it now.

Okay, sir.

Okay? While I'm here sitting on the toilet, I want you to know while I'm here sitting on the toilet.

Okay, sir.

So what happened was I had the hamburger, the venison burger.

Mm-hmm.

Do you know how long ago?

Why aren't you asking me the questions like you're supposed to?

You didn't ask me when this happened.

Why?

I asked you, did you go to the drive-thru, and you were telling me something else.

So I was just giving you a time.

I think you're not in a good situation.

That's the reason.

Okay, I'll leave the bathroom.

Hang on, let me leave the bathroom.

Hang on.

Okay. All right. I'm out. Can you hear me okay now? Is this better?

Yes, sir. So you ordered venison sandwich. What happened?

The venison sandwich. Okay. I ordered it and I ate it today, this morning, because I found it.

It was still in the bag from a week and a half ago. And I ate it and I got sick.

I had this shit diarrhea. Really bad. I got shit diarrhea.

You purchased it about a week ago?

Well, what was the day that the Verizon burger came out?

21st October.

Okay, yeah, that's when I bought it.

And then I ate it today and I shit my pants.

I shit in my pants.

I was playing golf and I felt it in my stomach.

And then the shit diarrhea came out of my pants.

You ordered it on 21st and this is 31st.

That's a 10-day-old food.

Definitely, it will give you a problem.

They told me it was going to be like this for a few days, the way I'm shitting now.

This shit comes out of my asshole.

So we extremely apologize for this.

Well, I don't know that you understand.

I don't know that you understand.

Now, you sound, what part of Asia is your ethnicity?

Do you sound like you're Bengali or Bangladeshi?

Are you Pakistani, Indian, Punjab?

I am Sandy Spring, Georgia.

I am understanding the situation here.

Where are your people from?

But you need to be professional here, sir.

I'm listening to you since you have called.

I am taking care of this matter, but you have to listen to me also.

Listen to you, not listen to me.

You say listen to me.

I'm not interested to listen to you more.

You will be contacted back.

Bhenchod.

Do you know what Bhenchod?

Yeah.

Look, he had a hot finger, man.

He was crazy.

Listen to me.

I was looking for, I didn't hear, I didn't hear the, the, the, I didn't, I didn't hear the sound effect.

I was looking for that in the toilet flush.

You always, you know, I was looking for that in the period.

Are these guest support where we strive to make it right for every guest?

Please hold while we direct you to the next available guest support team member.

For quality and any purposes, this call will be recorded.

Hang on, let me call this back.

the problem right now is that the uh like i was mentioning about the app that i got now

it's a beautiful oh okay you're unlimited yeah this this app is great like it's a great app

it works beautiful okay folks right here though you know normally those sounds would play everybody's

been listening for he knows those are the normal like chain of sounds like you know that we normally

would use yeah and this is what the air monitors and and showing your support you can help us

Let's improve our equipment because if we can offer that, we can bring back those old services.

Yeah, I'm limited to only 18 sound effects with the Soundboard app right now.

It's a beautiful app.

It's great.

It has way more functionality than the previous one because I can individually adjust the sound effects.

I can make it so some play over others but not.

It's really big, nice, clean interface buttons.

I can fade them out.

So it's way better than what we've been using for years now,

but I'm limited to only 18 sound effects in the light version of it.

Now, if I upgrade to Soundboard Studio Pro, that's the name of the app,

Soundboard Studio, if you want to check it out.

I can import thousands of sound effects with different pages and tabs and stuff.

So it would make me much more efficient.

So I had to pick 18 of the ones that I use the most, like the applause and like this one here, you know, stuff like that, that I use a lot.

And yeah, stuff like that.

But anyway, anyway, anyway, I digress.

Another reason why I'm asking for help.

I'm not begging for help.

We can still keep doing the show like we're doing now, but we can take it to the next level.

We can make it more professional.

I can start paying for advertising on Facebook and YouTube for the show.

I can start reaching out, maybe paying for some microphone upgrades, reduce the static that you guys hear.

There's so much that can be done right now.

That's going to add to the clarity of the audio that you're going to receive if you listen in your head.

Exactly.

That's the only reason why I started the Patreon again.

And this time, there's no network to start drama with.

My money, my money.

Real quick.

So we're not trying to bat their mother's wallet, and I'm not going to give any of it.

It's for expansion.

It's for the expansion of the interface and everything we're offering.

Real quick, let's start our links real quick here.

Wherever you're listening to us now, I'm going to give you the full breadth of our scope

so that you can get us any way you can, and you can give this information out to people to help us out.

The main website of the show is madhouselive.com.

You can subscribe to the podcast there, and you can hit up all of our social media links, etc.

Of those, on Twitter, I am at Madhouse.

Again, that's at Madhouse on Twitter, madhouse.live on Facebook, madhouse.live on Facebook.

Be sure to check out Calls to Mass Confusion.

Look up, search for COMC, Calls to Mass Confusion on YouTube.

um or you can look me up on youtube as well madhouse radio on youtube i've got all those

all those videos there um discord.gg slash pranks discord.gg slash pranks for the hijinks

heidel chat room we also have the irc chat room that's over at prank dose run by enigma that's

It's the PrankDose.com IRC server.

If you go to MadHouseLive.com, there's links for that chat room there that you can hit up.

Best place to tune in to us is over using, of course, our Mixler page, Mixler.com slash PrankCallNation,

and also the TuneIn Radio app.

TuneIn Radio.

Oh, hey, that's an update, too, by the way.

I'm going to give an update here regarding TuneIn Radio.

It is working on your Amazon Echo devices.

If you have an Amazon Echo, you can say, Alexa, play Madhouse Radio Prank Call.

Oh, shit.

I forget how it is.

You say, Echo, play Madhouse Radio Prank Calls on TuneIn, and you will get the live channel.

You can also say, play Madhouse Prank Call Podcast on TuneIn.

Echo or Alexa, play Madhouse Prank Call Podcast on TuneIn.

and your Amazon Echo-enabled device will play that for you.

You can also dial 605-475-0097

to tune in and listen to the Shellcast stream live.

What was that number?

605-475-0097.

Yeah, there you go. 0097.

Tune in to the show wherever you may be

if you don't have an internet connection,

but you do have a phone connection.

Go ahead and do that.

Thank you.

What is the shoutcast URL?

Out of the top of my head.

It's a complicated thing.

MadHouseLive.com.

Go there and click on the shoutcast and it'll show you.

Go to MadHouseLive.com.

You're right.

You did ask me to get that for you and I failed to do that, sir.

Yeah.

How's my Homer, buddy?

Did he make it okay?

He made it okay.

Make it in time?

He had a nice pee.

He's doing good.

Homer the dog is doing good.

Dobby's over here.

Good, good, buddy.

All right.

Dive is over here listening to me as well.

Oh, bless his heart.

I guess the news right now, we've got a Madhouse,

Madhouse, we've got a White House press conference going on

with big Sarah Huckabee Sanders machine.

Sarah Sanders Huckabee.

Hick, Hickabee, Hickabee, Hickabee with the fucking,

with the fucking Katie K.I.

She gets that Katie K.I.

She does have a lazy eye, doesn't she?

You got the KDK guy going, oh, here it could be.

Here it could be.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, let's call some Banchudes.

And then we'll get to some more Parkman numbers in a moment.

Your call cannot be completed.

Please check the number and dial again.

What did I do?

Hello?

Yeah, hello.

Is this Tech Group?

Yeah, this is.

Okay, I'd like to hire some dirty Indian people to do some contracting work.

Do you offer that?

Sorry, what did you say?

I'd like to offer to see if any Indian people, I would like to negotiate about contracting some work.

No, where, how did you find us?

Oh, I'm in the Desi Talk. I have a copy of Desi Talk.

Okay, okay.

My friend Ravi gave it to me.

And what are you looking for?

For Indian people, poor Indian people.

I didn't get you poor Indian people.

Well, you know how you can pay less for a contractor from India than from the United States?

I don't know. Do you have positions or what?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

See, if you have positions, you should send it to your requirements in the email.

Okay.

If we have some matching, because it's not like this.

How many Indian dirty people you have?

The way you are talking to me, don't take me wrong.

Why are you being racist?

No, not racist. No, I'm not being a racist. What do you mean?

Yeah, why are you being racist? So employees are employees and contractors, whether they are full-time or contractors.

We should be treating them nicely.

But you know how those people have a smell, you know?

They smell like armpit and deodorant at the same time instead of just deodorant.

See, the best I could tell you, my friend, is you have an email, send it over your requirements.

Somebody from the resource manager department will look into it.

If they have something good for you, they will touch base with you.

Do you know Ben?

Who is Ben?

Bhenchod.

He told me to call.

I don't know anybody by this name.

No?

No, no, Bhenchod?

No.

What's your name?

Mader.

I'm sorry, what's your name?

Mader.

Can you spell that for me?

M-A-D-E-R.

Mader.

And where are you located?

In Chod.

C-H-O-D.

Okay, no problem.

Nice talking, huh?

Thank you so much.

Bring lovely sister and I fuck her, you know, right in front of you.

You're calling a wrong number, my friend.

I don't know.

I don't know what you are doing.

I want to kiss your sister in front of you to show you.

We racist.

Why you being racist?

A little more bike, a little less fun.

A little more racism makes the show fun.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic.

Master free.

Execute just like a snapple of fingers

Your call cannot be completed as guy come on now the numbers right sir. Oh my lord. Oh man mark

Man, you're just you're just all right here, brother. See if you can find some more phone numbers

Hey, have you heard? Hey, hey, am I have you heard anything from?

Just dude. Oh

Oh, shit, I didn't call that guy.

Let's see what he's up to.

Let me hit him up on the old WhatsApp and see if he's around.

Oh, my Lord, really?

How's he doing?

Have you heard from him lately?

Oh, yeah, I can keep up with him.

He's been doing good.

All right.

He's been dirty horse master bear, keeping secrets.

Hey, Jen, it's Carlito.

I'm here with Milkman.

We're doing a show.

We're wondering if you're busy

Maybe you want to jump on

Let me know, alright?

Okay, bye

Yes, that's good

Let's see if he gets that

We lost Brad at it today

Let's hear him play

Alright

I should have let him know early

That's my bad

I completely forgot about letting him know

Oh, I thought you had it last night

Man, okay, alright

Anyway, never mind

That's my fault

Alright, honey, baby

I'm a failure

You're forgiven

Don't get a wet hug

Let me see if I can figure out

How to zoom in on this

So I can call home

Here we go, here we go.

Ah, looking for a job.

Are you looking for a job?

I'm looking for a job.

It's higher than me.

We don't need the others.

We have credit.

Thank you for calling Kaizen Technologies, Inc.

Please note that our extensions have changed.

Good afternoon, can I help you?

Yes, hello, do you have Indian people?

For what, sorry?

I look, I like, um, those Indian people, they're very smart, you know, they're, I know they have a smell and everything, but they're very good and smart, and I'm looking for some developers.

For what?

Oh, I said they have a smell, come on guys, be honest, those guys have the smell.

Thank you for calling.

Hi, I'm looking for Indian people who work for less money than American people to work as developers.

I have no idea.

You know how you people will work for less money a little bit better?

No, we don't hire people.

No, I'm looking for people.

No, we don't recruit those people.

What kind of people do you recruit?

IT.

Who?

IT people.

Instead of looking for IT people, I'm looking for developers.

Second place.

Okay, honey, sexy.

Hello? Hi? Hello? Can I help you?

Sorry, I'm not able to transfer your call. Can I get your direct number?

Why? Because you're a woman. You're hitting the buttons and you don't know what's happening.

Because I can hear them still.

I know, but I'm not able to transfer your call. Can I get your direct number?

No, I want to talk to someone now. Put a man on the phone. Put man on the phone.

I think you have reached the wrong number.

No, this is Kaizen Technologies. Right? Indian people? You're doing it wrong.

I'm not able to transfer your call.

You're doing it wrong. You dumb woman. You're doing it wrong. Put man on the phone.

Enough of that.

Next one instead.

See what we got here.

Good afternoon, Aftek.

Hey, you know how Indian people taking all jobs like that in IT?

What?

You know how Indian people take all the jobs in IT?

No, I didn't know that.

What are you talking about?

Well, it's happening to me a lot.

Isn't this Indian Company?

no no oh good because i don't like working with those dirty people you know you know

yeah i just all right seriously let that idea go nobody was not being honest about their

if i could get just one good one all right

i want to ship a package or a letter to india yeah

Package to India?

No, I want to.

It's a shit.

I want to take a shit in a bag and put it and send it to the Prime Minister of India.

Can you help me with that?

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

Hi.

Tell me.

I'm looking for information.

Yeah.

Okay, I need to send a package to India.

Where is the Prime Minister?

Where does he stay?

In Mumbai?

In Bombay?

Where is he?

New Delhi.

New Delhi?

Yeah.

Oh, he's at the New Delhi?

Okay.

Does he make sandwiches?

Okay.

All right, so I need to send him something.

I need to send him a...

I want to defecate in a bag.

My shit come out to Modi.

I guess his name is Modi.

Yeah.

And I want to send it to him so he can smell it.

Because that's how India smells anyway, you know?

So I think it's a good gift.

All right.

Come here and put your mouth on my butt.

Do you have lovely sister?

Ben, Ben, Benchud.

I go Benchud for you.

Yeah?

Come down.

Come bring...

Have lovely sister ready for me.

For me to kiss and fuck in front of you.

Bring everybody.

Everybody you got.

Okay, come front to me then.

When I'm there, you come front, okay?

All right.

Yeah, motherfucker.

Come down.

Yeah, whatever.

Are you dark skin or light skin?

You come down and put it in your mouth.

You get all the colors in there.

I'll make you dark skin after I punch you and kick you.

All right?

Yeah.

All your colors are going to come out, baby.

You're disgusting.

No.

All my colors are going to come out.

Oh, I'm in tears over here, dude.

Dude, I had to eat it, man.

I was losing it, man.

My name is Narendra Modi.

I masturbate.

Okay.

Okay?

You know who I am?

I don't know.

I am His Excellency, the Honorable Narendra Damado Daras Modi.

And I like to masturbate in front of my children to show them how to fuck.

Do you have a mom?

Yeah, your mom.

Because my father fucked your mom and I came from your mom.

I question something.

Do you have a mother?

Yeah, your mother.

Same.

We have same.

You're my brother.

you know because my father fucked your mother before you came you're gonna talk shit you're

gonna waste time yeah how many you gotta find somebody else but how many fathers how many

fathers i born i born in this fucking country listen to me how many careful what you'll be

having your motherfucking doing whoever i don't give a fuck about your colors what you do time

calling this number how many fathers you find somebody else how many fathers you have find

somebody i ask you one question only and good enough i do i ask an only one you have mother

You can ask more. I told you I have you. Yes. I have mother. You have a mother, right? Yeah, so why so tell your mother?

Oh, they're about Narendra Modi and whatever shit you talk them

Okay, if you have one if you born from a fucking bull and you talk to the bull over there

But over here a bull is a bull is a bull is a male cow stupid, you know

Yeah, you sounded like I like you come from a freaking a bull. Oh

Wow. Out of his asshole? Very funny.

Wow, you got me. You must be very impressed with yourself.

Keep your mouth shut is better.

Keep your mouth shut, you'll find something else.

Homophobic like all Indian people, like all you people.

Find something else to do is better for you.

Like all you dirty people are homophobic.

I will not repeat myself, just keep your shit.

Well, hey, can you do me a favor, tell your mother, because my mother is your mother,

so you just tell her that for me, okay?

You cannot be my brother, you motherfucker.

No, my father fucked your mother.

You are some motherfucking nasty asshole born from some shit.

No idea.

Well, you know what?

Don't waste time.

You're not the blood of your father.

You're the blood of a dog.

So don't waste your time.

I'm telling you.

Find a new number.

And if they're interested to talk, over here he's not going to get shit.

Why not?

Let's be friends.

I'm sorry.

It's a misunderstanding.

I'm sorry.

Do what you got to do.

Okay.

All right.

I got no time for these nonsense.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to waste his time.

I didn't mean to waste his time, guys.

Sorry.

Bye, man.

That guy was alert.

He was a cool character, man.

He did a good job.

I'm upset, though.

Boy, he was fired up as fuck, dude.

He did a good job, man.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, I guess.

Well, we're going to take a break, Milkman.

I'm going to take that break.

This is our two-hour point here.

We're two-thirds through the show.

We got about another hour left to show for we call it an afternoon.

It's Bookman's birthday, everybody.

Yeah.

Glad you're here, man.

When we come back, we got more numbers from Parkman.

We got perfect.

We got what?

Mentos manufacturers.

Yeah.

Halloween stores.

Newspapers.

News tip lines.

Paranormal activities.

Holy crap.

We got a Halloween and fireworks store.

Wow.

That's a good combination.

We got grocery stores.

Jenny Craig went lost

A whole bunch of stuff

And your calls

Everyone will be allowed to call in

Yeah, I guess you can't wait for that

We'll be right back, everybody

To Madhouse

Station in the nation

Crank call nation

They put your GPS in your box

And a trap door at the bottom

So when you die

You open the trap door at the bottom

You check the GPS

And you go straight down to the house

Madhouse Radio is back

You are bigger than a woman

We will always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

You're a motherfucker.

You're a fucking mother fucker.

Yeah, I got a real life.

Anyway, let's get to some more prank calls real quick.

We'll destroy this whole thing called Madhouse Radio today.

let me

go back to Parkman numbers

Dental assistant job. Let's try it. Look when playing music play music on clear that crazy guitar ears

Here's...

Oh, hi.

I'm a CDHB dental assistant position.

Do you get to put the fingers in the girl's mouth?

Come on.

That was quick.

I had other ideas.

I want to put them under sedation.

car salesman job let's see welcome to home box office subscription television bringing you great

movies sports events and special programs unedited and commercial free it's good to have you with us

your call has been forwarded to a negative contact armed security armed security

the one answer hi this is cross regarding armed security what's up the big turbo machine in the

the house turbo this is terry hey terry is that a boy terry or girl terry that's a boy terry

i'm fortunate for you to have that name god bless you yes i see you've got positions for

armed security i do okay what can i tell you about my qualifications well uh you could probably

start off and tell me about your qualifications cops took my gun away work cops tell me that again

again i used to work for um like armed armed garden machines international don't know if you

ever heard of them before i have not uh okay i also used to work for white snake white snake i've

not heard of that one either okay yeah they're a private firm uh this is security for the hell's

angels back in the day before the whole thing with the mongols went down i decided to get out

of that okay uh cops took my gun away uh would you guys be able to give me a new one or do i

had to have my own piece nope uh we don't furnish weapons she well the cops took my gun away i guess

because i was i have a habit of talking with my gun like you know how people use their hands when

they talk i like to like have the gun and gesture with it you know like someone asked what happened

was someone a lady old lady asked me at the hospital i was working as armed security she

said hey word how do you get to the canteen you know to the cafeteria and i pulled the gun out

out and pointed it towards the way and i guess they had a big problem there was a lockdown

situation and they had a had a negotiator talker with me yep well well it's been good talking to

you i appreciate you calling no no come on you but you can't hold i know my rights you can't

hold that against me until you go through the whole process well um well i know my rights i

appreciate the information i know my rights okay all right so what uh what are my qualifications

What else can I tell you?

Well, you just need to meet the qualifications that's listed on the job description.

Okay.

And you can fill out an application and send it in, and I'll look at it, and I'll go from there.

Do you offer paid medical insurance?

No, we do not.

Do you have any insurance incentives at all?

Supplemental?

I have none.

Oh, shit.

All right.

So how do I take care of my sexual organs?

Uh, it's on your own.

Okay.

Do I just touch them myself, or would you help?

You have a good day.

Touch my sexual organ?

Come on, I'll shoot you.

I'll call again, but he won't answer, Milkman.

He won't answer.

Sincerely doubt he'll answer now.

Your sexual organism, sir.

Organism.

Yeah, my employer offers pet insurance.

Someone in the chat room, I forget who,

talking about employers' pet insurance.

They do that.

Hello?

Dr. Roberts?

Yeah, hi.

I'm calling regarding dental system position.

Yes?

Yeah, do I get to get the put the girls under sedation?

Sicko.

Mmm, oh yeah.

Oh, touching it, my sexual organs.

I've got your phone number.

I'm touching, no you don't, I'm blocking.

You don't, it's on my phone.

No, I'm blocking it.

Yeah, you're lying.

What's the last four numbers?

Let me go right here and get it.

No, oh my God.

You're sicko.

No, I'm not, I'm just,

it's young up instead.

I've got your name, phone number, and address.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

Moving on, Type 2 Diabetes Clinical Trial.

Hello, my name's Hickeyby.

Here's your name and number.

Here's your whole face.

You want some warm apple pie?

Milkman, would you fuck an orange?

Or a grapefruit?

Huh?

Would you have sex with...

We're into research.

Yeah, hi, I'm saying this is Type 2, Type 2 Diabetes Clinical Trial?

Yes, sir, we actually have a couple of Type 2 Diabetes studies going on.

If you're interested, we can get some information and see about possibly bringing you in for screening.

Yeah, would they look at my sexual organs as part of the screening?

Not typically.

Okay, good.

Okay, so did you want to set up a profile in the system?

Yeah.

Okay, what's your date of birth?

6-20-79.

And your name?

Cross.

Is that your first or last name?

That's just my name's Cross.

Everyone calls me Cross.

Okay, what's your legal first and last name?

Cross.

I had to change to Cross.

And is the phone number you're calling from the best phone number to reach you at?

Oh, yeah, you can call me whatever you want there, honey.

Oh, thanks a lot, Harvey Weinstein.

Thanks a lot, Bill Cosby, for ruining a good thing we had going on.

We were trying to get that girl to come in.

Hello, volunteer research group.

Yeah, hi.

How much do I get paid for clinical trial?

Sir, it depends on the study.

Your name?

Ma'am, you don't have to say sir like that.

What do you mean, sir?

Why do you have to be so like that?

So assertive.

Excuse me, I didn't say sir like that.

Yes, you did.

What did you say?

You said, sir?

Excuse me, are you interested in our study?

Why did you add, sir?

Why didn't you just say, it depends on the program?

Why didn't you say, sir?

Sir?

Because I called you, sir?

Well, you said it in a condescending way, like, please, sir, stop wasting my time.

It all depends on, like, obviously, anyone should know that.

Well, then you should know that as well.

It depends on the study.

Do you get that question?

Shut up when I'm talking.

Do you get that question asked a lot, and you're just annoyed with it?

Is that why?

I don't get people that call up and just say right away, what do you pay me?

Now, most of the time, people are calling about specific studies.

I'm a woman.

You're being very rude.

You're mocking me.

Okay.

What information would you like?

I mean, and you also sexually harassed my other recruiter.

I didn't sexually harass her.

What did I say?

That my sexual organs?

What did you say to her?

I don't even remember.

Yes, you asked if we were going to examine your sexual organs.

Well, I don't want that to happen.

hopefully i have them shy i'm gonna say small sexual organ that's very very rude sir and it's

very harassing no i didn't mention my small sexual organ until you made a thing about it i was just

asking do they usually do like a physical that's what i meant that's the part of the physical i'm

scared of is having to show my sexual organ i can do anything else but when they're like take

care of your pants we need to look at your sexual organ and inspect it i get really shy you don't

have to keep saying it i mean it's not phasing me well i'm using the clinical term i'm actually

she using a g-rated clinical term i could say the penis but i'm not right i think i'm trying to make

an effort here to have a little bit of we don't have any studies about sexual organs yeah but

they sometimes they have to do physical before you start the clinical trial i have done many

clinical trials of course we do a physical all studies require a urine drug screen test a physical

the blood work what about the sexual that's what i was asking about sexual order but it's a basic

Sir, it's a basic physical.

I don't know.

She already answered the question for me.

You're the one that asked.

You brought it up.

You obviously got a hang-up on sexual organs.

I do not have a hang-up on sexual organs.

Well, you're obsessed with it because you're still making a big deal about it.

It was a question.

I'm not making a big deal about it, sir.

Okay.

All right.

Whatever.

If you're like a juvenile still, can we move on?

I don't believe that we are acting juvenile.

You are.

We're trying to answer your, sir.

We're trying to answer your questions.

you called sir did you call about a specific study sir sir okay so you have a couple different

mocking me you're obviously not interested in what our studies are no you're making a

presumption there that's incorrect you're mistaken i'm not calling you a liar i'm saying you're a

mistake and okay so what study are you calling ignorant uh well i i just see type two in the

background i just asked you what study you were calling about and then you called me ignorant

okay i thought you were on mute i'm sorry honestly you thought i was so you called me a name i

I thought you were muted.

I'm sorry.

Okay, so what study are you calling about?

Okay, type 2 diabetes.

And I know you have me on speakerphone now without even letting me know that you were going to do that.

I guess so other people can hear what we're saying.

Go ahead.

I'm sorry, my headset died and I'm the only one in here.

Right.

I promise you.

And how do you know that I sexually harassed?

Fake news, by the way, but that I supposedly sexually harassed your associate there.

Because she called me, sir.

That quickly she called you and said a man called and sexually harassed me?

me yes and you knew and she told you that she explained the sexual organ part also yes sir

she and it's the same phone number that called before are you about done your hang up with your

sexual the sexual organ thing whenever you are i mean you keep bringing it up labia all right what

would you like to know about the diabetic study are you diabetic yes i am type 2 diabetic i was

diagnosed in 2002 i have an average blood a1c of 6.9 as of 22 days ago okay and what medications

medications do you take i'm currently on metformin three times a day 20 milligrams i also take bietta

one injection a day in the morning 1.8 milligrams i'm also on a statin to protect my kidney i'm

also on clopidogrel now the bietta is a new medication and it's actually an exclusionary

medication okay listen bietta honey bietta came out honey sir that's unprofessional bietta came

Came out into the market in 2005.

That was 12 years ago.

Got FDA approval in late 2004.

So now you're telling me that's a new medication.

You're very smart.

You know exactly what you're talking about.

I'm not going to bring you in for the study anyway.

You're being extremely rude.

But Vieta, Oza, Trulicity, Invokana, Jardiance, Farciga, Actos,

those are all exclusionary.

Actos isn't even used anymore.

Actos is off.

You can't prescribe Actos.

it has a black label warning on it sir i knew this is what our medical sponsor this is what

the study company has given us as a list of exclusionary medications what do you mean

exclusionary explain yourself speak english sir you're actually people illusionary do you know

what exclusionary means i know what an exclusion is are you excluding me from it because i'm on

is what you're saying you're you're violating my rights is what you're saying not violating your

rights at all sir any anyone who calls in who is on bieta bieta sorry is excluded from the study

why did you call it a new medication when it's been out since potential reactions with the study

drug so what does it work so it is an exclusionary medication so you're saying shut up when i'm

talking you're saying it did what it it works in the pancreas then is that what you're saying

it's for your protection it's an exclusionary medication it can what can happen what can

to happen it does a release in the pancreas can it lead to pancreatitis is that i'm not sure i'd

have to look up the entire protocol what's the medication what is it what are we talking about

medication for people who suffer from diabetes and fatty liver what is it do you also have

fatty liver quiet quiet quiet no i don't drink of course so you know nash is non-alcoholic

fatty liver disease it has nothing to do with drinking yeah but let's be honest

be honest about what what you were getting at nash fatty liver or nafld which is no i already

said no i already said no hello hello already said no typical woman yes say go ahead no you're

not on mute how did it hurt your feelings now oh i'm the only one there huh i'm the only one there

huh anything else to say sir i am sorry that you don't fit into this study okay and you're where

where are you located are you here locally because this is an outpatient study yeah it is uh labia

clitoris insertion cream pie ejaculation inside the vagina penis insertion into the vulva labia

clitoris i'm just gonna hang up on you vaginal vaginal stimulation there's no reason that we

need to talk vaginal stimulation with the mouth or lips right here research hi atm i'm sorry atm

ATM, you know what that is?

No, I'm sorry.

How can I help you?

ATM is ass to mouth.

Excuse me?

Ass to mouth.

Okay, can I help you with something?

Yeah, I was calling regarding the type 2 diabetes clinical trials.

Okay, why would you say that when I answer the phone note?

Because I have that.

Why would you say that?

I'm going to research.

Hey, sweetie, how are you?

I'm sorry, I'm having a little trouble hearing you.

Could you speak up?

Hey, sweetie, how are you?

I'm sorry, who is this?

Hey, this is Valente.

I was calling regarding type 2 diabetes clinical trial.

okay and i'm sorry what was your name valente valente valente okay and how do you spell that

v like vagina a l e n t e okay sir did you just call a second ago no okay i'm pretty sure you

did you're gonna need to stop calling and harassing i didn't call a second ago

all right moving along oh this is one of those that you record that later on the philosophy

call you know two three times if there's a flyer at the end right right let's see if we get a shout

out of here to big dwight mcclanahan state line state line halloween the fireworks yes oh good

Hey, can you check, go over to the hat aisle?

I need you to...

$53.49.

Sorry?

$53.49.

Okay, can I help you with?

I need you to go over to the hat aisle, look under a hat.

I think I left something there.

Okay.

Thank you.

Do you need a bag?

No, I don't need a bag, no.

Just if you can look under that black cowboy hat.

I was wearing it.

Yeah, there should be like a piece of paper or a note.

Give me a pen.

In the hat aisle, black cowboy hat, there's no note there?

No.

Not under it?

Huh?

I'm looking at it right now.

Are you sure?

You're looking at it?

You're not just saying that?

No.

I'm at the hat.

There's a police officer and all that kind of hats.

I'm looking at it.

Okay.

All right.

Well, I farted in the hat.

I farted in it.

And you touched it.

I farted on the hat and you touched it.

Awesome.

I took my pants down and I put it in my asshole and I rubbed it on.

Oh, man.

Hello?

Star 69, that motherfucker.

Yeah.

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

Let's call back that dental assistant.

Good afternoon, Dr. Office.

Hi.

Is this the doctor?

Excuse me?

Is this the doctor?

This is the dental office.

Yeah, I don't know if I was talking to the doctor or a staff member.

Staff member.

Do you have a position for dental assistant available?

We do.

Are you doing interviews this week or am I too late?

No, we're asking that you come by and pick up an application.

Okay, I want to come by.

do i get to put my fingers in the girl's mouth oh yeah and put them under sedation and touch

their sexual organs no and this is really inappropriate we do have your name and number

so we'd appreciate if you don't come back honey baby honey baby no oh man why why is she going so

quick i don't know i don't know what that was about why was that necessary volunteer research

search how can i help you hello regarding the type 2 diabetes clinical trials okay uh have you

been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes yeah okay if you have a second we can go through some information

and see if you qualify to come in for screening yeah yeah okay what is your date of birth the

and the screening if you if i can masturbate in front of you you just watch i'll let you maybe

get a promotion sir yeah are you are you kidding me right now what are you doing why are you why

Why do you keep calling and sexually harassing me?

Look, I'll just give you a promotion if you let me do a sexual...

You know what, sir?

You know what?

What?

Quit calling.

You want to be a star?

We have already notified our higher-ups.

I'm getting ready to notify the police.

No, no, no.

Stop calling me.

Sexual harassment.

Sexual talking.

Stop calling me.

Sexual organs and talking and rubbing back rubs without permission.

that was uh jim stewart calling back everybody let's hear what he had to say

oh man it's just my fault he could have made it if i would have told him in advance i'm so sorry

i'm so sorry i don't think i can patch in on whatsapp would have to be skype there jim stewart

or if you have a phone number i can call you at if you type it in for me i can call it i can call

international and have you join in yeah type 2 diabetes everybody yeah how about it huh i give

you gas yeah the music got all funky there for the so we'll change out of that mode it's not

I'm not going to be on much longer anyway.

I don't want to go through anything crazy special.

Sorry, Milkman, but I've got to do stuff.

Let's see.

Me too.

I've got to get going.

All right, let's call Guitar Customer Service here.

Yeah.

Guitar Customer Service.

Hello, Guitar.

This is John.

Hey, Guitars.

Hi.

Hey, it's Milkman's birthday.

Yay.

It's Milkman's birthday, my friend Milkman.

Oh, nice.

Can we get him a guitar?

or for free guitar yeah you would have to inquire that way to do go about the guitar there can he

come and can we just do a tour of the guitar place he would love to see it like a tour can

you show tours or we have them p.m monday through friday oh i'm coming then i'm coming now okay

excellent all right and we can do a tour uh you can but i mean right now it's 109 i don't i mean

I mean, you could come right now and you could ask him to catch up, you know, lead you to the tour that's already been started.

Yeah, maybe the guy just talks to him and tells him where guitars come from, you know?

Yeah, I mean, guitars, they don't really come from anything that they're made.

Well, like a boy guitar and a girl guitar, they, you know, have sex, right?

No.

How does that happen?

Because you know how a boy guitar has a sexual organ, a different type of sexual organ than the girl guitar?

And I can help you with?

Yeah.

Other than telling you how to come over to take the tour?

Yeah, I want to come over and take the tour.

Excellent.

Yeah, so just come on over.

I want to see you.

Let the ladies, you're going to come out to the receptionist.

Yeah, I'm going to.

And just let her know, hey, I know I'm a little late, but can you have somebody take me to this tour?

There you go, man.

You're going to have fun.

You're going to love it.

Can I bring my baseball bat with me?

You can bring it, but you're going to have to leave it with.

No, I'm going to hit people with it.

Yeah, well, if you want to hit people, that's not going to be a good idea.

Well, you can't.

You won't know.

Yeah, I won't know because I'm going to be in a different location.

Where are you going to be?

Yeah.

You're going to be taking a shit in the toilet?

There's ten different buildings here.

Yeah, you're an asshole.

Thanks.

Is this stupid asshole you?

Yeah, whatever.

Fuck that guy.

Fucking guitars.

Grocery store.

Yeah.

What's that company?

Oh, never mind, never mind, never mind.

Taylor Guitars.

You ever heard of Taylor Guitars?

Dude, I know you would know out there.

That was Takamini.

I don't know.

Taylor, Taylor.

Taylor Guitars.

Thank you for calling Kroger at the Corbin Station.

Yeah.

For the bakery, please press 1.

Yeah.

For the deli department, one moment, please.

The person you have called is not available.

For the bakery, please press 1.

For the deli department, press 2.

For the floral department, press 3.

For meat and seafood, please press 4.

To reach the pharmacy, press 5.

Oh, man, I was going to get you a nice fucking, whatchamacallit, guitar-shaped cake.

We'll try it again.

One moment, please.

The person you have called is not available for the bakery.

Oh, well, Milkman, you just can't do that.

Your call cannot be completed as dialed.

Please check the number.

Can't, that number, that, that, that, that, that, their number don't work.

This is Valley Transportation.

This is Jennifer speaking.

May I help you?

Hey, truck driving.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, I just need a new job.

I just got pulled off a truck.

You did?

Where you at?

Uh, well, I'm in Louisville right now.

Okay.

How come you got pulled off the truck?

I was showing my sexual organs out the window of the truck.

Okay.

So what company were you driving for?

For Miller Transportation Machines.

Okay.

Well, where's your home city and state?

I'm here in Louisville.

Okay.

All right.

Well, I mean, we do have positions for that.

I mean, I don't know what your deck's going to look like after today, but we can look it up.

Hold on one second.

All right.

i'm gonna try to pull you up by your phone number i was showing my sexual organs to um

everyone on the road i was uh doing mushrooms i was driving okay

i was going about 70 75 the cop said and like they could clearly see me like driving and i was

like lifting up i was kind of like standing up on the seat with my pants down i was showing my

My sexual organs, everybody.

Okay.

Hold on one second.

All right.

You're so hot, too, when you giggle and laugh.

Peter, I can't wait.

Is it a Peter Belt?

What?

This is Jeff.

We're at Missy O'Valley.

Can I help you?

Hey, Jennifer.

How are you?

My name is Cross.

Yeah?

My name is Cross Valente.

I was driving for Estes.

Hi.

I just got pulled off a truck for showing my sexual organs outside the window.

All right, so...

Hey, honey, you know, we're going to have to call you back, all right?

Okay.

Okay, I just got some news here we want to share with people, all right?

God bless you.

Be careful out there, okay?

All right.

Honey, bye.

All right, so normally in a time like this, I'll play breaking news, right?

I noticed someone in chat said they were looking at NYPD scanners, and I said, uh-oh.

So I took a left look here at the TV, and we've got as many as six dead.

It appears to be a deliberate act, and I'm believing this is in New York City or New York.

Let's see.

One person in custody after reports of shots fired in lower Manhattan, NYPD is saying.

Let's go ahead and see what we can find out.

The Clinton News Network real quick here regarding that.

Milkman, are you safe right now?

Can you check in?

Are you safe?

I was going down a bike path, killing cyclists and pedestrians.

transit what goes through your mind well especially based on shimon's report that it traveled um you

know 20 blocks down that road that is obviously a deliberate act and i know it's still early on

in in early stages but law enforcement's going to respond looks like it's not far from the

world trade from the freedom tower event and then work backwards from there so they came out

fairly early and said that that they believed that this individual acted alone but you know

in other parts of the city other parts of that area there's also other law enforcement calls

going on law enforcement's responding to those also but also checking those off the list and

make sure they're not particularly associated with this event here on this bike path but you

can see there was a huge law enforcement response which you're going to get in this area nypd

probably the most experienced that the world are doing this you heard them take down this

individual very quickly so now it's just a matter of sorting this out and making sure

that this individual acted by himself um and and obviously this is uh the nightmare for anyone in

law enforcement no matter what you do no matter what nypd or the fbi or anyone else tries to do

to make cities safe at the end of the day there are always going to be soft targets

and always people are always going to have access to cars or trucks uh and for that reason this is

the kind of attack and we don't know exactly what this was yet except a horrific incident

But this is the kind of attack that we've seen, theoretically, in New York, but more importantly, we have seen in action in Europe, where individuals seeking to do harm have not had to worry about complicated schemes involving bombs or airplanes.

They've just gotten their hands on trucks and driven them into crowds.

Art?

Fart?

Yeah, no.

You're exactly right, Jake.

Again, we go back.

we look at the terrorist attacks that we've seen over the past two or three years and and we know

that al-qaeda and other terrorist groups have put out a call to use whatever you can whether it's a

bicycle a vehicle a bus a truck whatever and and try to take out as many people as you can and

again i know this is early on but when you have a rental truck it looks like from from a rental

company that drives that many blocks down a bike trail and we have so far

initial reports that six people have been killed obviously it sounds like

this is fairly this individual did this purposefully now we just have to figure

out exactly what the motive is I want to bring back a CNN sprint Jean grass who's

still on the phone with us in here looks it looks to me like it's one of those

rental Home Depot one of those trucks you can rent from Home Depot for the

the hour looks to be exactly what it was um it's it's all wrecked up right now he was shot and

brought to the hospital i've been told now by sources that he was shot in the leg uh and brought

to the hospital in police custody so we do know uh obviously not a serious injury uh which hopefully

will help investigators you know in the future figure out exactly what happened here it went

down a bike path preliminary uh reporting uh from my colleague shimon procupack he's in dc talked

to two law enforcement sources again very preliminary uh that as many as six people

were killed in this incident i was hearing from my sources that the number was up there

as well uh so we are talking about multiple injuries here on the west side highway jake

if you're just joining us you're looking at live pictures uh from new york city where there's been

a horrific incident uh in manhattan um where it appears uh somebody rented a truck of some sort

and drove that truck for several blocks on a bike path,

just mowing down cyclists and pedestrians and runners.

Shimon Prokibes is here with me and said two law enforcement sources told him recently

that according to the latest information they had, six people had been killed, six innocent people.

That's what they have.

That was preliminary info, and they were basing that off of some of the emergency medical services teams

that were on the scene, and this person told me, one of the people told me he was in a briefing,

things that we couldn't really all right let's go ahead and step away from that coverage right now

that's just breaking news here i thought i sure love anybody listening live that was loud i was

trying to get a hold of big zolar during that because he's our new york city correspondent

but no answer from him he may be dead everybody just uh be on the lookout there zolar may be dead

milkman you're on mute over there if you got anything to add to the situation

hello on air yeah hey how you doing this is the bar and grill oh you guys seeing this news what

What happened in New York City?

Oh, my God.

Why?

Just make it small.

Geez, man.

He must be worried, dude.

He had to go run.

Oh, my God.

What's going to happen?

Let's call the Home Depot in New York City.

See if they can...

Fast Eddie's.

Hello?

Yeah, hey.

Fast Eddie's calling for you.

Are you guys playing the news?

Because I need to come down and see what's happening.

I got family in New York City.

What happened?

Do you have it on?

I don't know what's behind the bar.

There was a terrorist...

There was a terrorist attack.

Take it off ESPN.

Put it on CNN.

Harry.

oh he's like i don't give a shit

gotta leave it on uh ufc

oh shit

all right

can i help you

Yeah, hi. First flight. You guys are in New York City?

Yes, we are.

Oh, my God. Are you okay? Did you hear what happened?

What happened?

A truck plowed into bike riders in New York City. Up to six dead. Oh, my God.

Just now. It just happened. Yeah. How close are you to the Freedom Tower?

Not sure.

Do you know where the World Trade Center used to be? Where are you?

Yeah.

How close are you to there?

Probably a few minutes away.

Oh, my God.

You're so close.

Is everyone okay?

Did everyone come back from lunch okay?

Yeah, everybody's alive.

Oh, my God.

But I'm not...

Turn on the TV.

Look, there are people.

I can't.

We don't have TV.

There's a woman, and she said her sexual organs got run over by the truck.

Are you kidding me?

No, she did.

Can I help you with something?

The man was like, I'm going to run over your sexual organs, and he ran them over.

He went, ooh.

Can I help you with something?

Yeah, I'm looking to get a package delivered.

Mom, do you have a tracking number?

Where is it coming from?

No, no, because I want to send a fist over to your country

because you people did this bad attack to us just now.

I'm so angry.

Why do you do that?

Why do you people hurt people?

Why do you take the trucks and hurt people with them?

Why?

Why do you do this to people?

Why do you hate us?

Why do you come to this country and do this to us?

Why?

Okay, I don't know who you are

I don't know how I can help you.

What you're saying, that doesn't relate to us.

Yes, it does, because you people do these things.

Hold on for me.

Hold on.

Okay.

Why do they hate us so much?

Why, Milkman?

Why?

Hello?

Yes?

Why do you people hate us so much?

Why?

Sorry?

What happened?

Are you watching the TV?

What happened?

No.

We were in the office.

There was a terrorist attack close to the World Trade Center.

or a man. One of you people

got in a truck and drove the truck

and hurt people.

Who is this? My name is Cross. I'm watching

the TV and I saw that a man got

in a truck and drove it on a bike path

near the Freedom Tower and

killed up to six people. Why?

Why you people do that to us people?

We love you. Why don't you

love us? Where are you calling

from? This is an office. You're

calling an office here. I know. I know.

I live in the village. You live

in which village? In the village in

In Greenwich Village.

And how did you get our number?

Because I look for bad people's phone number.

Like, you know, like dirty people from other countries.

You look like a dirty people's phone number and you found our number?

From other countries, yeah.

Dirty terrorist people.

Can I have your number and name, please?

No, because I don't want you to have retribution against me.

Just why?

Can we be friends, please?

Don't hurt our babies.

Don't hurt our children and we won't hurt you anymore.

No more.

No more bombs in your country.

if you're no more driving trucks anymore.

Sir, we're all Americans sitting here.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Well, listen to your accent.

I know you people.

Why you people do this?

Why?

Well, you should call the cops, not us.

You know, you should call the cops.

I'm just frustrated, and I want to do something.

I called the cops, and they said, you know, to contact you guys.

Contact me?

That's what they said?

Contact this man?

I said those people did it, and they said,

why don't you call those people, and she hung up real rude.

Yeah, but you're calling the wrong people.

That's what I'm going to tell you.

Well, where are you from?

From India?

Yeah, but it doesn't matter.

How did you get our number?

I mean, how can you accuse us of something like this?

That's not even American.

I have a copy of the Desi Talk.

Say that again?

I have a copy of the Desi Talk magazine.

Okay.

And you have an advertisement in it.

Yeah, so how does that make us the bad people?

I don't understand you.

Because your people, it's the same people that do the terrorist thing are you people.

It's the wrong information you have.

From the same place in the world.

Sir, you have something that you need to speak to somebody else, not us.

Who do you think I should talk to?

You should talk to the cops, NYPD.

Call NYPD.

But they said that they were busy because of what happened is what they told me.

Yeah, so I think you should wait for them to do what they're doing and then you should call them.

Oh, no, but I mean, it's they can't do anything. They're busy and I want to help. I want to help, you know

Well, you should call them. I can't help you. You're not we're not in the

We're we're in a different business. We don't do what you think we're doing. Okay, you're good

You're calling the wrong. You're good people. You're calling the wrong office. You're good people. Of course. Okay one

She won't be living in this country. If you're not good people

Because look at the bad people that did this today. I know we feel bad

You don't even know! You didn't even know until I told you.

It's wrong on your part to call and say that we are bad people.

That's absolutely wrong.

You don't even know.

I'm an American.

You don't even know until I told you.

It doesn't matter.

You probably don't even believe me.

Sir, you're working here. This is an office.

You're calling and you're causing something which is absolutely a disturbance for our business.

Be good people. Be good people.

But I understand what you're saying, but this is the wrong place for you to call.

But we just want to be friends. We love you.

you love us. We love you, too.

No more killing. No more.

No more.

Do that. Okay?

Whatever.

Thanks for calling Shake Shack.

You can now order ahead with the Shack app.

Shake Shack. Available on the App Store.

For Shack hours and directions, please press

one. To speak with the manager or to

inquire about large party orders, please

press two. Thanks again.

Thanks for calling Shake Shack's manager's office.

We'd love to talk to you.

Aw, man. I want to do Shake Shack's.

I've never been to a Shake Shack.

I heard good things about those burgers.

Know what I'm saying?

What, Steaky Shake?

Shake Shack.

Steaky Shake is good, man.

Steaky Shake is good, yes sir, but I'm talking Shake Shack, motherfucker.

Shake Shack, motherfucker.

Yeah, they sell burgers too, Duckling Fantasy.

They're known for their burgers, man.

Even more than their shakes.

Oh my God, are the cigars okay?

Oh yeah, they're fine.

I just saw what happened did you hear what happened someone got in a truck and hurt many

people close to here why who am I who's calling why my name is Cruz I'm a Davidoff fan I was

I was smoking one of the year of the roosters uh-huh by the way not worth uh $60 okay okay

because they're not $60 they're about 45 yeah but I had to pay 60 for mine but the year of the snake

was way better okay okay but listen why do people do this why uh i can't talk about that why are why

why do they come why do they hate us why we just want to be friends and they come here and they do

this thing okay sir unless you need something cigar related yeah i cannot i do i need something

do you have any year the sheeps i had uh no i only have the the rooster and the year the dog

Oh shit, what about um, what about do you have any of the series see or whatever your stars are?

Oh, no place. Why what's going on to be unto yourself? Why are you playing TV? Look man? Don't play TV

No, no, man. No. No, you want to do it? Oh, no that messed up the prank call. No

Let's call the Hermes store I'm a big fan of their cologne I use it

Money quick with you

We gotta watch our back

From cops and jealous punks

Who might win the attack

I wanna thank Roy's Royce

Roy's Royce for that number

That we did previously to the pub

We were calling that pub

Oh shit

Why?

Why do they do this thing?

Why?

Hello?

Yes

So I

I'm not into playing games

I really don't wanna talk about that

No I'm just so sad

It's so sad

Okay listen

Listen, I really cannot help you with that.

I'm so sorry.

How close are you to where it happened?

Oh, man.

Okay.

I called the wrong place again.

I called the same place again, I should say.

Hermes Perfumery, this is Shanti speaking.

How may I help you?

This is Hermes.

Yes, this is Hermes.

I'm a big fan.

Why do people do these things?

Why?

Why do they do that?

I'm so sorry.

I don't know.

You know the thing that happened with the truck just now?

Yes, it's very unfortunate.

Why?

Are you close to where that happened?

yeah so sorry to hear that how close are you can you see the people oh my god no no we can't see

what's going on oh my god oh my god why do they hate us we just want to be nice and i don't know

who am i speaking with my name is cross and i love the hermes hermes i smell really good thank

you for calling cross we're just keeping a close lookout and making sure everyone's and we're

praying too even though you people sold stuff to the nazis right even though hermes made the

suits for the nazis right and we make suits for many people yeah but you did for the nazis during

world war ii you're an evil company you're like bmw you go to shit you're part of the problem

hear that thank you the blood is on your hands yeah all right

i think i had the wrong right out of nowhere i think i had the wrong company we had a message

is from uh from jim stewart he said in 40 minutes so we're going to be done by then hang on let me

let him know we're going to be wrapping it up milkman because you got to go too hang on let

me tell him here y'all while i'm mobile i just have to go mobile that's all right because i got

to get dinner going and the dog needs another walk you know okay bro all right no problem

milkman says thank you and he loves you but we're gonna call it close now it's my fault i was

supposed to tell you yesterday and i didn't and i'm very sorry don't worry about it you just

Just relax there and pray for New York City, okay?

Because the terrorists did it again.

Those dirty people.

All right, I'll see you later.

Bye.

All right.

All right, how about one last call?

Let's make it terrorist-related, but let's do something funny, hopefully.

Jan, this is the last number I got from Parkman.

This is Jenny Craig, weight loss.

This is something Milkman should look into here, I think.

All right.

Oh, shit, we have more numbers.

We have paranormal investigation.

Excuse me, Paranormal Investigators.

Hang on, let's call Orlando the News 13.

This is the TV channel.

This is the news channel that I used to leave.

It's the 24 Hours Local News.

Some big cities have this.

They have an actual TV channel that's 24-7 local, News 13.

I used to leave this on while I slept all the time,

and I would have nightmares with their songs that they would play.

Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

Something like that.

News 13, it's Miguel.

I have a news tip.

Yeah?

A truck plowed into bike riders in NYC up to six dead.

Where is this at?

In New York City.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're definitely covering that.

No, you're not.

Yeah, it'll be at the top of our 5 o'clock show.

Oh, what are they going to say about it?

Just what we know latest.

Looks like there's at least two people dead and then several people injured.

Did anyone hurt their sexual organs?

Excuse me?

Did anyone hurt their sexual organs?

I don't understand what that is a relevant question.

question well because i have an interest in sexual organs i was wondering if there's any

information regarding sexual organs yet or no yeah no that type of injuries will come later

right it's still very early and this is it's a developing news story and things are still in a

high degree of flux but we're hoping for a good outcome hopefully right of course a positive

outcome to the situation hopefully of course okay all right hey is uh danny trainer he doesn't work

there anymore right i don't know anybody by that name no oh he used to be a weatherman he was a

the weatherman for you guys he had he used to drink a lot yeah okay yeah he gave me oral sex

there once one weekend that's great okay all right all right motherfucker i'll see you later

all right bro all right comcast comcast is the best good yeah thank you bright house or whatever

you're called now is shit spectrum is shit all right all right see you all right bye that net

it's a tv network they're all they're a they're a partnership between the local abc affiliate the

the Orlando Sentinel newspaper and the local major cable company there,

formerly Bright House, formerly Time Warner,

now known as, the answer is Spectrum.

Spectrum?

Yep.

As long as it's not Sinclair.

But gee, if it's Sinclair, oh boy.

Yeah.

Have you heard about Sinclair?

Nah, yeah, Sinclair Companies is a piece of shit too, yeah.

Yeah, motherfucker boy.

Boy, they got a piece of unqualified mouthpiece there with the must-run, man.

I'll say, man.

Looks like we got...

There's someone talking.

There's like an interview here going on right now.

Let's see what this person has to say.

Let me see if I can catch it quick enough here.

I got to log in to my Xfinity account real quick.

It may be too late to grab it.

Just a second.

We're logging in here.

Here we go.

He, his face was away from me, so I just saw the back of his head, but he didn't seem like

he was putting up a fight.

He was, you know, he was just on his knees getting arrested.

Did you happen to see the West Side Highway after the fact?

Did you see people, how they looked?

Well, there were police going all on the highway.

Their traffic was completely stopped.

I mean, it was a mess for at least an hour, the roads, but I mean, that's the least of

anybody's concern.

As far as injuries, though.

Take us from your perspective.

I was walking down the West Side Highway.

Do you know what street we are?

It's in front of Stuyvesant School, just on the West Side Highway.

Roughly around what time?

Roughly 3.30 or so. It's a tough question.

What did you see first?

The first thing I noticed was the man who was laying on the ground surrounded by police officers.

officers um and then immediately after that he was right next to the other man who was being

arrested two men and then after that i noticed the car that was clearly destroyed yes the home

depot truck person who was hurt how did they get treated did an ambulance come for them yes i saw

an ambulance rolling up um i we had to leave before he was put into the ambulance so i wasn't

even able to see if he was dead alive or anything like that but he was when i saw him he was laying

face down on the street clearly looking severely injured did anyone try and help him any good

samaritans come up or anything like that no there was police on the scene already um i'm sure if

samaritans tried to they would have been just told to go back how about for the people that

were injured and i was extremely thankful for the women that and children that were running towards

me because if they weren't there i have most likely the time it took me to get there i would

have been right at the shooting when it took place and how about the people injured on the

shooting now he said shooting yeah it was a shooting involved then all right look i'm

gonna get going so this is how i gotta get dinner going milkman i got a walk homie

home dog and uh all that good stuff you know what i mean milkman but uh happy birthday to you i'm

sorry i had to end so somber here news about what happened there but that's the milkman you know

what can we expect man yeah they're gonna try anything to distract from the allegations

age-improving, so who knows

what's behind this stuff.

It's a sad thing, man.

My heart goes out to them.

God rest his soul.

People out there are embarrassed.

It's unforgivable, man.

Whoever did it.

All jokes aside,

all jokes aside, of course,

what's going on?

You want to give her a goodbye to all our

listeners like you usually do now that I got you

on here tonight?

Alright, well, man, I want

I want to thank everybody, man, that's been in, man.

I just want to give a big thumbs up and a high five there, man.

Our park man, dude, knocked her out of the park, man.

That's right, man.

Park man out of the park, man.

Grand slam, buddy.

Yeah.

The grand slam action today, man.

Thank you, sir.

Excellent work.

My brother.

All right, and I just want everybody to know, man, we couldn't do it without you.

That's right.

Our favorite, our fucking beloved listeners out there.

We do this every chance we get for you.

We ask that you give us the time.

We'll drop the dime.

you can bring a friend or better yet bring an enemy so they're always welcome right here in the

madhouse and don't forget to join the militia you're better yet get get your horse machine on

yeah we got some great stuff in the horse feed yeah yeah that's right and then we couldn't do

it without our fearless leader that's right the leader of the magician

thanks really appreciate that wonderful present brother hey no problem real quick just want to

remind everyone madhouse live.com is the website for the show you can tune in uh there you can

subscribe to the podcast please do so tune in radio app available there for all your smart

devices you can even get it on your

Amazon Echo devices

call at any time

even right now dial

605-475-0097

listen to

Madhouse Radio 24 hours a day

yeah

look up calls and masks

confusion on YouTube follow me on

Twitter Madhouse that's at

Madhouse on Twitter

Madhouse.live on the Facebook machine

and Patreon.com

slash Madhouse support the show

Yeah, horse machine.

Yeah.

Dagon horse.

Everyone gets free access no matter what.

Every Madhouse show and prank call.

But you can get early access by about a week or a few days if you donate at least a dollar over at patreon.com.

Madhouse.

We got some different tiers there, including access to our Discord server.

Either way, you're in the militia, baby.

Either way, you're in the militia, man.

Just listen.

You don't have to.

Look, it's all ass.

Just share the show.

tell people, hey, see if you'd like this.

Check this out, madhouselife.com. That's all you

got to do, man. Just that radio.

I love it, man. I know you'll support it.

I know you do, man. You took care of me. I never

forgot you guys. God bless all of you, man.

I love you. Thank you so much.

Kept you out of the street. You were going to sleep in your car.

That's right, man. You guys

hooked me up in my time of need, brother.

I'll never forget that, man.

That went down in my prayers, man.

Thank you so much. Amen to that.

Alright, well, that's it.

I'll do another show. We'll probably do

do another show in about two weeks milkman hopefully be here with me uh this show that

you're listening to today patreon subscribers you can get this immediately in your drop box

look for that in the next couple minutes i'll be here you make sure we get it scheduled

okay you can count on it yep if you're not a patreon dude you'll be able to get this on the

podcast in about 72 hours and uh yeah man you'll get yours eventually too man we're gonna get

Everybody in there first, man.

The host machine, all our musician members.

So anyway, everyone, support the Prank Callers,

support the Commonwealth of Independent Prankers,

Dwight McClanahan, RBCP, G-Ad, Matt Hillock, all the others.

You know who you are, too many to name.

Discord.gg slash pranks.

I'll be back when I'm back.

Take care.

Smile you later.

Prank responsibly.

Have fun.

Force, man.

Peace out, brother.

Love you.

It's not very polite how you're going to call someone stupid.

Calls (29, 1 h 41 min of 2 h 30 min)

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