Thank You For Your Service

I'm, I'm, wait, whoa.

Excuse me?

Thank you for your service.

Yeah, bitch.

Why would it take you so long to say it?

Hey, whoa.

Fuck you.

What'd you say?

Do not call this number again.

Hey.

This is a place of business.

Labia.

I'm not playing no fucking games, bitch.

I, I, fuck you, son of a bitch.

Stop making a stupid call.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all my life long.

You're not perfect.

Why don't you piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

and that's a motherfucking fact everybody scared you it's carlito i'm the host of the show machine

usually i do a cold open with a prank call but i wasn't ready so here it goes hey how you doing

big guy oh good my name is cross i'm lieutenant and i'm a veteran happy veterans day yeah

motherfucker yeah it's veterans day yeah i'm a veteran oh man that's no way to treat a veteran

Veterans can say motherfucker and all that shit

Because they deserve it

They're entitled

Why you hang up on a veteran on Veterans Day?

I'm entitled

I'm entitled, I said

Cabrón pendejo de mierda, I said

You hear me?

Yeah, fuck you

I'll call him back later

Let's call the church machine

Thank you for calling church

We are on people to answer

Iglesia Bautista

Pendejo de mierda

Hey everybody

thanks for tuning in as i said before i'm carlito this is a madhouse radio show it's live right now

it doesn't matter if you're hearing it two years from now it's live man i'm hopped up on caffeine

and i just had a subway breakfast sandwich oh yeah i put double onion double onion on it and

i'm kind of gross i like mayonnaise on my breakfast sandwiches don't hate don't hate

MadhouseLive.com is my website

MadhouseLive.com

I'm also at MadhouseLive.com as well

MadhouseLive.com

Over there you can check out the shoutcast links

Particularly TuneIn

Where you can tune in to Madhouse Radio

24 hours a day

7 days a week

365 days a year

TuneIn Radio

Great app

You probably already have it on your phone machine

Or your tablet machine

Or your horse machine

you know you can put apps on your horses now so check that out we are on there we also are

available on amazon echo devices any amazon echo enabled devices you can give your echo command

you can say amazon play madhouse prank call radio on tune in i don't know if i don't want to i mean

i wish i could shorten it down but that's the best i could do so if you want the shoutcast station

say echo play oh i should i better be quiet because she's gonna start playing uh alexa play

madhouse prank call radio on tune in that's the station right there madhouse prank call radio on

tune in if you say mad uh if you say what is it alexa play madhouse prank call podcast on tune in

play madhouse prank call podcast on tune in that will play the madhouse podcast which you can

and subscribe to over at madhouselive.com.

If you'd like to chat today, you can with the community.

The general community is over at the prankdose.com IRC server.

You can also hit up discord.gg slash pranks if you're one of them Discord people.

Discord.gg slash pranks.

Make sure you hit me up on Twitter.

Follow me at Madhouse on Twitter, at Madhouse on Twitter.

facebook hit me up there madhouse.live be sure to check out patreon.com forward slash madhouse

patreon.com forward slash madhouse where you can donate and help support the madhouse radio show

if you donate at least a dollar you become a militia member and you get drop box access

drop box drop box it's a good beer drop box access which for example will let you uh get a

copy of this show unedited in full the minute that i go off air this morning the minute the

the show's over you flop over there you go to the drop box you got a copy if you miss the show

no fears you don't have to worry about waiting for it to get edited and whatnot now if you decide

you don't you know have to do any of this shit but if you'd like to donate five dollars at least

you become a horse member of the madhouse crew and you get the drop box access plus access to

the madhouse discord chat channel which is pretty much a direct way to communicate with me and the

the other closer members of the Madhouse and Prank Call community as a whole,

also known as the Commonwealth of Independent Prankers.

You can also dial area code 605-475-0097

to get your dose of Madhouse 24 hours a day, including the live shows.

Once again, that's 1-605-475-0097.

Let's try to call that now just to give you an example of what I'm talking about.

You call that number, it's no charge to you.

You hear this.

Any second now, it'll start.

Takes like five seconds or less, right?

Right.

Oh, boy.

It is not working.

The phone isn't working.

I thought I tested the phone today.

Hang on.

Let's try again.

1-6-0-5-4-7-5-0-0-9-C-A-T.

Try it again.

I needed a second to wake up.

It's too early.

Go.

Here we go.

Let's play with this.

it just doesn't stop that's awesome i want to just do that in my own time not to make you guys

sit through that i want to do it for like an hour that was fun wow they wouldn't stop

that's what it sounded like that's exactly what it sounded like having fun here again that's that

line that's how it works um also be sure to look for calls of mass confusion comc calls of mass

confusion on youtube we're speaking with gi jesus in the dump truck and looking around spring that's

gonna we're gonna be shooting a bunch of new episodes there's there are a lot of episodes

already we got a lot of stuff i don't know if i'm allowed to talk in particular how many

episodes worth of stuff we have but it's several a good amount a good buffer amount that's already

built up and i'm in none of them because i just haven't been haven't been feeling doing the video

pranks but as soon as this show is over today i'm going to be doing some video pranks with jihad

for cause of mass confusion i'll be in studio today yeah all right hey let's get back to them

prank call machines what do you say dude i'm having phone trouble today this is horse shit

hello hello hello yes oh hi yeah is this uh the horse the the horse the pet doctor hospital

machine machine no sir we are a vet hospital yeah the vet hospital machine

no this is for this i have dog machine my dog machine isn't feeling good he has a lot of feces

coming out and it's very watery you know and he's he usually talks to me like usually we wake up in

In the morning, we have some coffee and all that, and he's just not...

I don't know.

He's in a real bad mood.

He was telling me, leave me alone, leave me alone, like that was it.

What's your pet's name?

Huh?

What's your name, sir?

Oh, yeah.

My pet...

My dog's name or my name?

Your name.

Oh, my name is Cross.

Have you ever been here before?

No, no, never been there before.

Unfortunately, we don't have any appointments, openings for today.

Appointments?

But this is a hospital.

This is a hospital, and I know my rights.

um you can come tomorrow so walking on the afternoon so walking no but the dog's on fire

right now we need to do something i'm trying to tell you that we are taking walk-ins in the

afternoon or tomorrow morning would you like to schedule a walking appointment for this afternoon

or tomorrow morning can i just talk about my dog then unfortunately i'm not a doctor sir we can i

cannot give you no but what do you just i don't need a doctor's opinion uh what's what's a good

good like way to pet the dog unfortunately i don't have that information with me you have to

bring the pet for it where is it it's not with you where is it where did you leave it did you

leave it at house again because you're lazy and you're stupid you made a mistake like always

like always stupid you stupid call piece of shit i don't want any applause or ha ha for that

fuck that call how can i help you yeah they touched my dog on his penis excuse me they

They touched my dog on his penis.

Okay.

How can I help you?

Well, I need that taken care of.

I don't need my dog to be touched on his penis.

Okay.

Do you like to come to see the doctor?

Well, what I need is the doctor to look at my dog's penis.

Okay.

We don't have any more appointments for today.

No, I want walk-in.

And I know you do walk-in tomorrow.

Don't start with me.

And don't give me the Puerto Rican attitude, okay?

First of all, I'm not Puerto Rican and you're being racist.

Same thing, same thing, whatever it is you are.

You people all the same.

You're being racist.

You smell the same, so it's the same thing.

No.

Yeah, you all have a smell.

Oh, excuse me.

He's saying we all have a smell.

Jeez.

Oh, boy.

All right, cool.

All right, yo, it's LJ Rap again.

Hey, man, what's up?

See this on the Pimp Daddy thing, you understand what I'm saying?

Yo, this is me.

But yo, Ron, watch this.

This jam is all about the major time pimp daddy

And the Lincoln Continental, even the 91 Caddy

Pulling up on the blocker in a fresh silk suit

And got a bunch of pretty girlies that'll find them cute

Where do they hang? In all the major cities

Girls are always pretty, but in New York

They hang on 42nd and 11th

In their strappos, they got a 357

Going to the bus station, getting runaway girls

Hi, Dirty Aaron.

Yo, yo, yo.

Hey, shut up.

Hello, Teddy.

Hey, honey, baby, how are you?

Fine, you.

Oh, I'm not good.

Thank you.

Hey, they touched my dog on his penis.

Say again?

They touched my dog on his penis.

Oh.

Okay?

Mm-hmm.

All right, so now I want to take care of them.

What can I put on the grass to make it turn a different color?

Do you have something like that?

No.

Do you have stuff that kills grass and beautiful flowers?

Because I want to do that.

To kill flowers?

I don't have nothing to kill flowers and grass.

Do you have something that makes it...

We don't use no...

Do you have something...

do you have something that makes it easy to break the break the grass break the grass to break it

up to break the grass from the ground yeah yeah normally we don't we the only chemical that we

sell is just for uh like a box and that's it just for bugs yes oh wow what kind of bugs the ones that

come out of your vagina i'm sorry you sorry what do you mean you're sorry what do you need you know

know you know vagina you know what a vagina is whatever bullshit hey dirty aaron how are you

hey good hey hi how do i sound i'm on my stupid cell phone because the skype won't work uh you're

a little loud but i can control that on my end you're okay you're okay buddy no problem no

problem no problem all right so i had a i had a kick-ass idea it sounds like you're already

what was your kick-ass idea sir to call the uh the health club people or you know 24 hour fitness or

whatever tell them that the uh ask them about the ethics of of the trainer tell them that you're

like 400 pounds and that you your trainer was a woman and she promised to suck your dick

if you made it 300 pounds and then she didn't she wouldn't do it really like it was a reward

board kind of system all right okay oh man this phone is busy all right i can find one of those

hang on give me a moment i think there's one right around the corner from here let's see let's see

where am i here credit wellness shopping patrol man this place really turns shitty

the cops would never bust me i know i know there's a gym here there's like a 24-hour

fitness over here somewhere.

Going up the street.

Going right.

All right.

Shit.

All right, let me just type it in.

Let's see.

24-hour fitness, okay.

Yeah, that works.

Planet Fitness, we care for them.

You want to do it?

Can you do it?

You do?

yeah i think so well prepare yourself here we go 24 hour fitness it's a great day to get in shape

at 24 hour fitness shamar speaking how to help you uh yes honey how are you today i'm fine all

right that's good to hear hey uh i just wanted to i have some questions about your personal

trainer program um yes so let me just explain my situation a little bit i'm a little bit

bit overweight possibly uh i think they call it morbidly obese um my doctor recommended that i

would get some some sort of treatment and so i did and i i i visited another uh location which

i don't really want to name right now and um i had a personal trainer who was really really nice

and um she was helped me out a lot maybe lose 50 pounds and so but so i just wanted to know

Do you know what your guys' policy is, what your reward system is when you lose your certain amount of weight?

That information, I personally would not know.

But what I could do is I could take down your information.

Here's what happened is that she was a very attractive woman, and she was promising to have sexual intercourse with me when I lost the 50 pounds.

and then she she didn't do it um wait whoa excuse me yeah it was at another uh it was at another

health club i don't really want to get her in trouble because she kind of told me that that's

what she does you know that's how she gets the big bonuses is by um fellatiating and and having

sexual intercourse with her clients i'm sorry we don't do that at this gym oh you don't no no well

do you know a gym that does because it was really working really well for me no sir i'm sorry or

what was your name honey um i'd rather not give up that information oh felicia or something like

that sure sure thank you okay wow wow all right i'm gonna try this idea now it's my turn now i

copy i copy you like that did that she erection was great thank you for calling you fit south

side orlando this is amber speaking how can i help you hi how are you i'm good how are you

Oh, I'm okay. My name is Jack, and I'm looking to join a health club.

Okay, awesome.

I just had a problem. Do you know the 24-Hour Fitness that's really close to here?

Yes, I think there's one close to us.

Yeah, so I would go there, and I started my weight loss journey at 400 pounds.

Wow.

And I got down to, I hit my first goal weight of 300 pounds.

That's amazing.

Okay, well, kind of.

All right, so there is, well, my trainer's name is Felicia over there at 24 Hour Fitness.

I don't know if you know who she is, the black girl.

No, I don't.

I'm sorry.

She's very attractive.

She used to be a dancer for the Magic, the Orlando Magic Girls, you know?

Okay.

And she promised me that if I hit my goal weight, she would have sexual intercourse with me,

and then she denied.

slam i got slammed i just got butt slammed well i imagine that those girls that are the uh they

probably get fucked with all the time they're orlando magic dancers yeah no they do too man

they get filled out are you kidding me hello thank you for calling you fit uh outside this

is ariel speaking how can i help you hi ariel uh how do you spell that a-r-i-e-l uh that is

correct oh like like the disney princess absolutely just like that how can i help you

Oh, wow, cool. Yeah, I was just talking to a girl there, and I think we got disconnected. I think my phone dropped. Can I talk to her, or should I just talk to you?

Yeah, I can help you out. Are you a member with us?

No, no. So do you know the 24 Hour Fitness right around the way on Michigan?

Yep, I sure do.

All right. Do you know Felicia, who works there?

I do not, no.

She used to be an Orlando Magic dancer, and she's a personal trainer now.

She does amazing, and I started my weight loss journey at 400 pounds,

and I hit my second goal of 300 two days ago.

I went in, and we did my weigh-in, and I was at 300 pounds, 300.1, and that counted.

Awesome.

Congrats.

Thank you.

Well, I mean, congratulate me later because here's what happened.

we she had said that if i hit my second goal weight that she would have like sex with me you

know like sexual relations the at 350 we went out on a date and we went to crest downtown you know

the steakhouse oh no i'm not i'm not familiar with um not okay good good steakhouse so and

you know it was a cheat day for me and we went and i you know she had me pay for the wine and

a steak the steaks cost 50 and up up there so that was my first reward and the second word that

night she said we were kind of drunk you know drinking wine and she said that if i hit my second

goal weight 300 pounds before the end of the year that we could have sex and that happened and then

she completely flat out denied me uh uh she was supposed to meet me last night you know because

Because when I weighed in two nights ago, I was like, hey, you know, remember.

I don't mean to cut you off, but is there anything that I can possibly help you with as far as the gym goes?

Or is there any questions I can answer for you?

Well, what are the girls?

What's the motivation structure like here?

Damn it.

It's just like the Disney princess.

Oh, boy.

Dude, I have this song here.

I heard it.

I thought about it the other day.

I hadn't remembered this song since like 1991.

91. This used to play on the radio.

It was hot for like a minute

in Orlando, I remember.

Orlando hotness? It was Orlando hotness.

Pimp Daddy.

All I want to do is be your pimp daddy.

Alright, it's good to have you here.

See, now you brought me up, man. I was feeling

kind of down, kind of upset because

of all the veterans that died.

Yeah, yeah.

So, Trump and Putin

just shook hands at a summit.

I don't know if they just shook hands, but they're

at the Vietnamese summit. They're dressed like

like Vietnamese bellhops, and they're shaking hands on the TV.

Wow, look at that.

It's like, hey, buddy, hey, man, hey, man, hey.

And Putin's like, yes, Mr. President.

What's that?

Huh?

What?

Can you hear the coffee grinder in the background?

No, no, I cannot.

You must be on a nice phone machine with good echo cancellation, huh?

What do you got there, big guy?

No, they got the big bucks.

The LG G6.

What?

Yeah.

the the lgg6 okay yeah all right so all right i went i went for the uh i went for the uh i went

all in for the google phone i said google has never steered me wrong especially with the

pornographic movies and you didn't go all in if you would have gone all in you would have gotten

a pixel dude don't even i did pixel xl you said you got an lgg6 yeah but i got the pixel xl first

it was a piece of shit well the pixel 2 pixel 2 come on man come on no no no it's made by look

it's made by uh people that make go phones uh whatever htc listen when's the last time you can

i'm not gonna pay a thousand dollars for htc phone listen all right listen the first android

phone was an htc and i own i got that on opening day i'm the earliest of earliest adopters the

A T-Mobile customer, opening day, went to the store in the morning to pick up my HTC G1, the first Android phone ever released to the public.

You got to have faith.

They're going to come back, man.

You're right.

The HTC used to be the shit.

Man, they went shithole hell down quick.

I don't like LG phones.

I don't like their design, though, bro.

I'm not trying to talk shit.

I'm just saying my experience with LG phones, I don't like the way they feel.

Now, that being said, I own and I love my pair of LG Infinums, the Bluetooth headsets that they have.

I highly recommend those.

I don't know if you've gotten them, but I'm Samsung all the way.

I've got the Samsung watch, the Gear S3 Frontier, and I've got a Galaxy S8.

I didn't want the Plus because I have an iPad.

I'm AT&T, so maybe I might trade for the S8 Active.

i can't fucking stay on the curved screen i just can't do it okay um i saw a blip about the s8

active getting shown off and being announced um i are they just a more ruggedized s8 right they

always come out they're like they're like flat but it's only for it's only for at&t so really

so i mean i even switched carriers i went verizon i went all in i i got my first xl pixel xl yeah

And it had a bad antenna or something like that.

I traded it in.

And the second one, the problem is that the UI for the Pixel is terrible.

It has this fixed Google thing and weather thing on the top of the screen.

Even when you move, swipe away from the home screen, it's still there.

You still have this fixed widget.

And there's no way to get rid of it?

You're sure?

No way to get rid of it.

well there is i had to download a different uh a different launcher oh yeah i mean

you see that's the thing you get the pixel you want to you want to see how the vanilla

naked launcher is right like what you're really not it's not it's not as naked as you think because

i had the moto i had the moto x because that was the original the last motorola phone to be built

in the u.s okay and it was all designed by google it had four processors one processor to handle

every operation that was like the original okay google phone and it was awesome like you'd drive

down the road and read your text messages you could yell okay google from across the room and

it would work but it caught a virus when i was in china and it died oh how do you caught a virus

why would you see dude i don't know like i've just heard from people like if you go to china

or go to russia you should just get a burner phone you know what i mean and not even log into your

shit um yeah did you i mean were you able to have something to do with the vpn and the sites i was

visiting you know well so you were using a vpn to get around the firewall of china the great

firewall i'm guessing so you could get to facebook okay and i heard you that's even hard now i've

heard i've got a buddy from high school he's he he jumps on facebook he moved to china and got

got married um he's working for some big-ass company out and it's not not in beijing it was

in that the other really major industrial shanghai shanghai was a shanghai i think it is shanghai

um well it's basically beijing shanghai and um hong kong macau macau is like just

did you just go to macau did you do any gambling i didn't get to no they had a

one of the guys i was there with the um they fucked up on his visa so he had to go

you can like go to you can go to hong kong without a visa it's like visa free right uh but you have

if you're in china you can go there go to hong kong and come back and get your stamp and that

that will like extend your visa to like 30 days or something like that just by going to hong kong

and coming back really yeah it's just about it's only 30 days in china whatever that means okay

okay all right well there you go china everybody was the and the food was really bad i'm presuming

like did everything smell oh god it's uh that's a whole nother thing yeah wow so did you eat their

food or did you do just fast food oh yeah hotel food no i i went all in really you went all in

did you did that was there anything was there anything you liked particularly food wise

that you recall well the interesting thing about it is that the uh the uh food in china it's not

all chinese food like we have here it's the same as like in the u.s where you have um you have

of your call it southern food northern food stuff like that right so the food in xia where i was in

central china it's like basically all kind of barbecue like but really really spicy okay so

it's like meat on a stick but spicy like very spicy but really very spicy like peppercorn and

all that stuff all right well that sounds good at least yeah yeah i accidentally ate um pig liver

or kidney or something like that i'm not sure it was really nasty uh did you ever use a hole in

the floor to take a shit did you ever have to do that yes really a lot or were there a lot more

western toilets there's you know there's essentially there because it's it's it's more

it's it's not xian it's not beijing um i mean there were some toilets that i think look that

you walk in there and look straight down into the hell wow really whole straight down that's

all straight down so i mean what do you do do you pull do you take off your pants all the way or do

you just pull them down to your ankles and aren't you afraid that you're gonna shit inside your

pants look i tried to do it once i couldn't get it done i mean i i was like all right i'm gonna

i'm gonna do it i'm gonna squat here and i mean i had to go and i couldn't i couldn't complete

so that the rule of thumb was is that you better be 15 minutes away from the hotel

hotel that you're gonna eat because you're gonna have to wow all right and generally oh boy are

there bars that you can use to hang on off of or do you uh no no not really there's like uh they

kind of have the sides of it kind of serrated so you don't slip or whatever but yeah oh and that's

the other thing is that you can go think about like the nicest mall you've ever been to where

they have all the nice stores and stuff like that right but then you go into the bathroom that's

where all the people smoke and hang out and like so it's like walking out of like the nicest mall

into a third world country bathroom wow so oh and the toilet paper isn't inside of the stall you

have to like get it like on the way in like next to the door so you get in there and if it's an

emergency you're you're you're fucked wow okay um what and they just hang out in the bathroom

smoking like talking to each other casually having a drink or i don't know what they were drinking

or whatever but that's where everybody smokes i guess it's not polite to smoke like in the nice

some of the restaurants but you can go to the bathroom and smoke and hang out that's like what

are they what are the just you smoking lounges i mean well maybe that's what this is i was i was

in an elevator with a dude who was just smoking and it wasn't like he was like oh yeah it wasn't

like he was just uh just like hanging on to it i mean he was every breath was it was it was a puff

you know what i mean and i was like oh man this is um we're not in kansas anymore flying the states

wow man that's something like you you haven't been able to do that in in the united states

since like the probably 1920s i mean that way before you you were you were way before it became

illegal to smoke at your desk at work like that it was like elevator right yeah or bathroom

elevator was always like no smoking in the elevator by order of the governor

so what would happen what the was it the fire race that you'd be in an elevator and catch on

fire i guess because you couldn't get it'd be like the uh the apollo one crew you'd be like

yeah right toasty hot dog just dropping the dropping the apollo one

oh gus grissom was a fine american you son of a bitch yeah and it was an army veteran too

happy veterans day everybody i know you're a veteran over there uh that's he was a cia guy

he could talk about it now you can get that in his book dirty aaron has a book out there

check it out on amazon it was not an amazon bestseller but it was a book nonetheless and

it's there where he explains his time in china uh the cia operative there you go for uh for a major

Major, major telephone company.

McDonald's.

That's what I got.

Oh, yeah.

I got this.

I picked up.

I got a dog machine there.

Aaron, I don't know if you heard about that.

Homer's his name.

Motherfucker.

Took another shit.

Took two shits today.

This morning.

But it wasn't even 9 o'clock.

It wasn't even 8 o'clock in the morning.

This motherfucker shit.

He doesn't just shit.

He squats.

He shits a little bit.

Walks a little bit.

Shits more.

Walks.

Motherfucker, man.

And it can't even be just one little pile.

Yeah, and we're afraid he's got, like, irritable bowel syndrome machine because he hasn't really had a solid poop since we got him, like, a month and a half ago.

And we're worried about him.

So he may have the IBS.

Anyway.

Stop feeding that Walmart Alpo that you put on layaway.

Oh, old Roy.

Would people put that on layaway?

Holy shit.

That's pretty, whatever.

Look, anyway, on the way there, we drove through West Virginia to pick up this dog machine.

And I picked up two of those, two of these local, local, those paper magazines, you know, like the car ones, you know, what's it called?

You know, the car one.

Yeah.

The nickel ads or whatever.

Yeah.

Well, they're like that, but one is for crappy fishing and the other one's for bass fishing, but they're from September.

So I don't know how good we can do here, but it just has numbers.

I was going to see if there's anything funny in here that we could call.

Mount Wood Lake Concessions and Marina.

Concessions and Marina.

Okay, all right.

Anyway, hey, we don't have to do those now.

Let me just pick up the map.

But just saying, I got these numbers too.

I got fishing industry numbers from West Virginia.

I thought those would be a hoot.

Let me check my Gmail because Parkman was supposed to send numbers.

Also, Milkman is supposed to be here.

I'm going to hit him up again on Zello.

um my walkie talkie app here i'm gonna hit him up again but he i he was said he was gonna set

his alarm and be here on time parkman has sent the number good thank you parkman i'll get to

those in a second here let's see what milkman's got going let's see if he milkman milkman wake

up motherfucker wake up motherfucker wake up bitch i know he's right now he's yeah you know

right now with that damn c-pap of his that he hasn't got the c-pap he's had it for five years

and hasn't cleaned it in five years.

Disgusting.

He wonders why he's got breathing problems.

Like, he probably got mold growing in that motherfucker, man.

Ugh.

Every week, I take my CPAP stuff and I put it in the dishwasher.

Dishwasher.

All right, let's see what Parkman sent here.

Jobs in eastern Tennessee.

Horse farm is hiring.

All right, horse farm.

Yeah, let's do it.

Up for the horse ranch.

There's a horse ranch?

Horse ranch.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Jim Stewart hit me up.

See if he can make it.

He's dealing with a shitstorm, I guess not

Alright, nevermind

Sorry, the party you are trying to reach

Has not set up voicemail on

4-2

Uh, it would be a good idea to change my caller ID

Also while I'm at it

So are you usually up this early, or

What's going on?

Well, I mean, it's West Coast, 7, 8 o'clock in the morning, so yeah

Oh man, really? Is that late already?

Shit

I can maximum do two more hours of show

And I really haven't done much already

Let's try that last number again with a different ID

Hello, how you doing?

Hello?

Okay, yeah, great.

Why?

Fuck that guy.

He didn't like the sound of your voice.

You're too ethnic.

I guess so.

Man, I give you a job, motherfucker.

Office clerical worker.

Okay.

Thank you for calling Employment Solutions.

For English, press 1.

Para Español, oprima 2.

Called this place before.

Hey, Employment Solutions, this is Carla.

Hey, Carlos, how are you?

I'm doing good, how are you?

I was fired from my last job.

I was trying to unionize, and I got fired.

So I'd like to see about getting a job with office clerical worker.

Okay, what were you looking for?

Office clerical worker.

I like to take the big papers and I throw them all over the place.

Okay, have you applied with us?

No.

Okay, what we will need you to do is we'll have to have you come in the office.

You have me shit.

To write an application.

You have me shit, motherfucker.

What?

Hello?

Yeah, hello.

What were you saying?

Okay.

Have her shit.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not talking to you.

I'm talking to my dog.

She's taking a shit in the middle of the floor here.

You fucking shit, stupid fucking asshole.

I fucking hate this dog.

He keeps shitting.

So you'll need to come in the office, fill out an application.

The dog is, now my dog is showing me his sexual organs now.

Right.

Piece of shit.

Another shit.

Packer job.

Packer.

Just packing.

Thank you, Colin Ronstadt.

This is Phillip.

Hey, Big Phil.

Will, how are you doing?

Doing good.

What can I do for you?

Good.

I'm looking for Packer.

Do you have a job for Packer and the Peppa?

We do, yeah.

All right.

Yeah, I've been packing since I was 16.

Yep.

Well, yeah, I mean, you can come in here anytime after 12 today, okay?

Okay.

I mean, for interview, or can I do some packing for you to show you how good I do?

No, you have to apply for it.

She has to come in here and...

Yeah, well, give me a...

Try to put me in, Coach.

Let me try out.

You know what I mean?

I'll show you.

I'll put the things in the box.

No, bro.

I don't do...

there's that position with the pack okay bro whatever bro what do you mean bro bro i'm not

your bro dude oh man let's just be rude because that's so funny oh yeah aaron's here aaron's not

here he got disconnected oh shit went silent he will call back in a few oh shit that's not good

bro hair stylist hair stylist sure class hair salon may i help you hi i see you have a job

for hair stylists in the paper okay hold on one second i'll let you talk to her okay in the middle

of a color right now motherfucker motherfucker really well yeah i mean i'm sorry what did she

how long is she gonna be i don't think she hung up oh yeah come on dirty erin come back man don't

do this to me. Come on, man.

Hello?

Hi. I see you have a job

for a hairstylist in the PEPA.

Hello? Hello?

Maybe I'll call that one later.

Substance abuse

counselor job.

Thank you for calling Express Employment.

Hi. What do you mean Express Employment?

This is Express Employment.

Oh, because I was looking for a job for

a substance abuse counselor. Why are you

involved? Oh, disgusting.

Do I have to go through a third party first?

Oh, that's disgusting.

All right, what do I need to do?

Register.

Register?

You need my papers?

Hey, honey, can you speak up a little bit?

You're very low.

Okay, and...

Okay, all right.

Do you...

Should I dress up, like, for interview?

Or should I...

You know, whatever.

What do people usually do?

Because it doesn't matter, right?

You're just the third party.

I'm not trying to impress any of you, right?

Well, yeah, you need to,

because we'll determine whether or not

you will be passed on to the client.

Well, who's the client?

I can't tell you that.

Okay, you can.

No, I can't.

What if I kiss you?

Fuck you.

Restaurants letting vets pick off a special menu.

Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.

Special menu.

Let's do it.

We're calling Applebee's in Henderson now featuring online ordering.

My name is Stephanie.

How can I help you?

Shut up.

Hey, happy Veterans Day.

I'm looking to see what free stuff you get.

I'm entitled.

Let's go.

What do you got?

Well, our Veterans Day program's tomorrow, and we have a menu.

God damn it.

What do you mean tomorrow?

On Veterans Day.

Well, I'm hungry now.

Well, we do have a select menu available.

Okay, so what's going to happen?

What's on the menu, honey baby?

What do you got?

I have a meat and potato, chicken fingers, a fiesta lime chicken, an oriental salad, and a crunched shrimp.

Okay, all of that?

Yes, that's available.

That's like a five-course meal. That's awesome.

What was your name?

My name's Stephanie.

Is there any Stephanie on the menu?

I sure am hungry for some Stephanie.

Is there anything else I can help you with?

I'm entitled. I'm entitled. I was a veteran. I'm entitled.

I am a veteran.

Okay, is there anything else I can help you with?

Yeah, we'll answer the question.

Is there any Stephanie on the menu?

Okay, sir, well, I'm going to let you go.

We open at 11 o'clock.

Okay, but, I mean, can you just tell me, is there any Stephanie on the menu?

Yes or no?

Even if it's no.

Sir, I'm going to have to hang up right now.

How much for Stephanie?

How much for an hour?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, continuing on.

Here's another one.

Another one of them zany prank calls.

Chomp, chomp.

You're calling Bob Evans on the east side.

My name is Paige.

Would you like to place a carryout order today?

I'm a veteran.

Hello?

I'm a veteran.

What were...

I was in...

Hey, I'm a veteran.

I was in the Iraqi war.

I'm a veteran.

What?

How can I help you?

Well, Veterans Day, you know?

You could say, you know?

I can't believe...

Oh, sorry.

Thank you very much for serving.

Okay, thank you.

That's more like it.

Anyway, I'm entitled.

what do we have for free what's going on let's go well what do we actually aren't doing any

discounts today for some reason they decided to observe it tomorrow motherfucker all right

so what's going on tomorrow then it should be a free meal either breakfast lunch or dinner

they haven't given us they haven't told us what they're doing yet fuck god damn it they haven't

even fucking told you yet no fuck god what was your name again page is there any page on the menu

No.

You sure?

Just one second.

Okay.

She's checking.

She's checking her bank account,

see if she might need to put herself on the menu here.

Yeah.

Hi, this is Kendra.

How can I help you?

Hi, Kendra.

I was looking to see if there was any page on the menu tomorrow.

I'm a veteran.

Is there any what, I'm sorry, on the menu?

Any page?

Page?

Yeah.

Oh, you mean like if we have a veteran menu?

Yeah, is page on it?

I believe that, let me ask a manager really quick, but I believe we do.

I know that we have the past two years I've been here, but we are owned by a new company this year.

Yeah, because if you can find out the pages on it, because I'll definitely get me a piece of page.

All right, I'll be right here.

See, man, you guys, if you're just nice sometimes, my wife says, see, Carlos, if you're just nice sometimes, yeah, if you just ask nice.

Like, wow, really?

You're telling me I worked in customer service for 12 years on the phone?

You're telling me?

Thank you.

Thank you for telling me how to do my job, honey, baby.

be she gets really mad when i say that especially lately thanks a lot harvey weinstein special menu

tomorrow for veterans it's just going to be certain items on the menu um i'm not really

sure what particular items that's going to be until the actual menu comes out tomorrow but

there's a possibility that page will be on that menu page yeah who is page i was just talking to

her this is cross i'm a vet i'm a veteran yeah so you want page on the menu yeah this is cross

i want her i want her on the menu i want to eat her out raw crawl crawl page well sorry to tell

you this but page is not going to be part of the menu tomorrow she just has to put her legs up and

pull her pants and her panties down for me is all she needs to do like she's in the stirrups you

you know?

Yeah, you're disgusting

and I really hope that...

On the table,

on the table

and just scooch

that little cute butter herself.

Should have let her

finish that sentence.

That was worth the hold,

though, right, guys?

Yeah.

Let me know in the chat room.

Give me a one

if it was worth it.

Give me a 14

if it wasn't.

It's tomorrow

at the Bob Evans.

He's gonna pull the panties

to the side from me.

Colleen Chili's

in Evansville.

This is Carly.

How may I help you?

Hey, big Carly.

How are you doing?

Good.

Oh, good.

I'm a veteran.

I'm entitled.

I'm a veteran.

Okay.

I said I'm a veteran.

Okay.

You know, you could say, you know, I'm a veteran, and maybe you should say what?

Thank you for your service.

God, geez.

Thanks a lot.

Doesn't really mean that much anymore now.

What do you guys got going on free?

Come on.

Let's go.

I'm a veteran.

What's for free?

What do we got?

I have a menu tomorrow.

It's a limited time.

Oh, come on, motherfucker!

What do you mean tomorrow?

We're doing it tomorrow.

Fuck!

What's on the menu, then?

I just love this attitude.

Look, I'm not trying to talk shit about our veterans, and yes, thank you for your service,

but holy shit, sometimes you guys, man...

You guys gotta admit, sometimes you guys are kind of like,

No disrespect, because I ain't fucking going to war.

I'm a pussy.

I'm glad you guys are, not me.

Thank you for calling Bonefish Evans, though.

This is Zoe.

How may I help you?

Hey, Bonefish.

How are you?

I'm fine.

What do you need?

What was your name?

Zoe.

Oh, hey, my name is Cross.

I'm a veteran.

Okay.

I said I'm a veteran.

Well, tomorrow's Veterans Day.

Well, yeah, I think you could say thank you, you know.

Well, thank you.

I'm sorry.

Thank you for what?

Thank you for serving our country.

That's more like it.

Jeez.

God.

I didn't know you people were like that here.

Anyway, so what do I get for free?

What's going on?

What's for free?

Well, if it's your birthday, we give a free birthday.

day no it's veterans day shit damn it what is for free for veterans isn't november 11th veterans

day today is observed because tomorrow is a saturday i got the day off for work today

motherfucker i've been drinking good good for you we have really really good martinis

really everything great year for free for veterans fuck yeah not for free let me go

check with the manager and see what we have going on oh what was your name again zoe zoe i like that

name i like names that start with z all right i'll get a nice little thing on you i bet all

right i'll be right here go ahead as soon as i got out of the service i started drinking gay as

fuck cosmopolitans mimosas mimosas and martinis too bro what's up nothing wrong with martini

james bond drinks a fucking martini you tell me he's a woman he's not an enlisted officer have

some respect for james bond it's veterans day he's a veteran veteran of the cold war and i guess in

the war of terror now too long island iced tea now that's a drink right that's crazy how they

mix all that shit and it tastes just like iced tea how do they do that i gotta pee really bad

i've had a two liter coke zero i'm gonna have another one because it makes me sound like i'm

drunk with a coke zero room temperature coke zero makes me burp waiting on big titty zoe everybody

let's see if i can queue up a nice madhouse veteran related prank veteran i could do the

eddie garcia right the here's a prank called the korean veterans death rattle sure i'm not yet

though let's see if she comes back i gotta take a piss so bad she better hurry i'm gonna have to

kdk this peeing this beer bottle here maybe i'll get some vodka too it's late enough 11 15 day off

it's technically a saturday for me i'm gonna have i'm gonna have some alcohol i think i got a beer

in the fridge let's

what I told you?

See what I mean?

Oh, yeah, man.

That's what men do.

You guys remember KDK?

How he used to burp?

It was like this gay burp.

It sounded like there was a lot of cum in that.

He just had a really wet, high-pitched burp.

oh do you hear that that's carlito's veteran voice fuck this i gotta pee i'll call her back

her name is zoe put that on the big board everybody here's a prank call i'll be right

back asap give me like five minutes i might go into the kitchen and uh eat like a rat for a

minute thank you i'm going for seven so this is zoe how may i help you hello hello yeah hi was

i just talking is this zoe yes that was me i think what happened you took so long i went back

you're wondering about the uh veteran specials the free show i went back to uh our manager isn't

here yet so if you want to call back in about an hour i'll be able to get you a better answer

really you don't have any idea no i don't i've only been here a few weeks

is there any zoe on the menu tomorrow no not for me no well you don't know me yet maybe you would

say yes when i come in no i wear my pheromone cologne and you you can't resist me you probably

won't be able to resist me is there anything else i can help i look really hot in my uniform and i'm

I'm coming in tomorrow, so you won't be able to resist me.

You won't be able to keep your eyes off of me.

I'm just saying.

My man!

All right, everybody, let's continue.

This is me, Carlito.

I'm back, by the way.

Thank you.

I got some veggies, so they're really loud, and I can, you know, crunch them for you guys to hear.

Mmm!

Circle K, may I help you?

Yeah, how you doing?

Good.

I'm a veteran.

For you, sir.

Mmm.

Happy almost-veteran's day.

Well, I'm waiting, you could say, you know.

You could say thank you, you know?

What can I help you with?

Can you say, you don't want to say thank you for a veteran, for me being in service?

Well, sir, I just wish you a happy Veterans Day.

Yeah, but, I mean, that's not thanking me, though.

That's just, I mean, anyone could say happy Veterans Day.

Thank you, sir.

What can I help you with?

Thank you.

What do you guys got going on for veterans today?

Yeah, what do we got?

What's going on?

We have anything.

We have a lot of cops, too, as well.

They have a big veteran in today.

Well, that's bullshit.

Nothing at all?

No, sir.

Because I'm reading here you have 79-cent Polar Pops tomorrow.

That's every day, buddy.

But they're free for vets.

Tomorrow.

Yeah, you better find out.

You better go find out now before you have a big...

Not today, sir.

Not today, you asked me today.

Not today, I have nothing.

Why are you being so particular?

So tomorrow you do?

You couldn't let me know it's tomorrow?

Yes, you asked me for today, sir.

You don't thank me.

You don't tell me that it's tomorrow, not today.

Wow.

he was the nicest one so far for the veterans everyone should be saying that every time

veterans are entitled giving up this here here's another example here's a here's another example

this is a marine this is old but he did this to another veteran he did this to another marine

this is on the base some guy was driving his disabled vet sister to to work you know on the

the base who she's an enlisted woman and i guess this guy tough guy over here marine guy was not

happy with the driving and gets out and starts yelling shit at them kick in the car

his fucking wife's in the car and you're acting like this bro that's not cool man

so why why do people all right so there's a car accident the guy accidentally rear-ended to you

obviously no one's out there rear-ending people on purpose or as a prank he didn't hit and run

he sat there and he's waiting he's doing the right thing waiting for cops and insurance or

whatever's gonna happen so because you're because he made it committed a grave offense of hitting

your car aka probably the bank's car he's gonna come out and start yelling fucking hotheads like

this right the instant the instant if you're driving and you make a mistake so you don't

even have to hit someone you could make a mistake and cut someone off an accident you may not even

make a mistake they might interpret you make a mistake now they just want to get out and start

they got the right to fuck you up now

Fucking puns too hard! Get the fuck out! Fucking bitch ass puns motherfuckers! Get the fuck out of your truck! Get the fuck out you pussy ass bitch! Let's go! Get out! Get out of your truck! Get out of your truck so I can beat your fucking ass!

Get the fuck out of here!

Go! Come on!

Fuck!

Go!

Let's go!

Take a fucking video!

Take a fucking video, Cotton!

You fucking whore!

Bitch Cotton!

Let's go!

Come on!

Get the fuck out!

Go!

Fucking go, kid!

That's right, you're a fucking scared ass bitch!

Get the fuck out of your truck!

Scared ass bitch motherfucker!

Get out of here!

Come on, get out of here!

Get out!

Get out of here!

Get out of your truck!

Now his friends are showing up.

Yeah.

They're screaming like a bitch now.

His friends showed up and he thought they were going to be on his side.

And they're like, hey, dude, chill, man.

Oh, my God.

All right, that's enough.

Now there's a guy in uniform out there.

He's like, come on, man.

Yeah.

Road Rage Marines.

Happy Veterans Day, everybody.

So thank you for your service.

Even that guy.

Thank you for your service.

It's called Hooters.

That's the attitude I should have today.

That guy should be my inspiration.

No, I'm not a veteran. Yes, this is Stolen Valor, but it's used for the purposes of comedy.

So it's okay. It's an act. I have an actor on the phone and the microphone.

Thank you for calling Hooters. I'm Angela. This is Amber. How can I help you?

Hey, how you doing, Big Amber?

Good. How are you?

I fought in the shit, and I demand three of your hottest waitresses to serve and sit with me today on Veterans Day. Yeah!

Yeah, it's, uh, wait, today's, I thought tomorrow was Veterans Day.

It's Observed Today. That's what my calendar says.

Oh, I don't know.

Mine says Saturday.

We can still get you good-looking waitresses, but we're doing the free food on Saturday.

What kind of free food we got, motherfucker?

You got traditional wings, boneless wings, a burger, a buffalo chicken salad, a buffalo chicken sandwich.

All that.

That's a lot of food.

I can't wait.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Them big titty bitches will sit down with me and eat?

Not if you call them that.

Hold on.

I'm entitled.

I'm a veteran.

And you didn't say thank you.

Thank you for your service.

Yeah.

out bitch why would it take you so long to say whoa i'm sorry look i've been drinking it's

veterans day and i've been drinking veterans weekend drinking this year motherfucker yeah

well congratulations i'm glad you're here to be able to drink with us

oh man let me tell you what that was a hard time you know what i mean i can only imagine i never

left the base what no way no i never left that fucking base fuck that shit oh wow okay yeah i

I never left the base.

I was always at the base cleaning toilets and stuff.

They used to call me Blackie, and I'm not even black, but they said, oh, look, he's

like a fucking N-word, they used to say to me all the time.

Yeah, that's kind of fucked up.

That's really kind of fucked up.

Yeah, man.

So, which of the women there has the biggest sexual organs?

I don't really know.

You'll have to come in and check them out and see what you want.

Oh.

I'll check them out, all right, if you know what I mean.

Are you really coming in?

Mm-hmm.

I'm coming.

You know it.

Okay, well, we open at 11.

All right.

All right, I want to see the girls with the biggest titties want to sit with me.

I want three of them.

Okay, just make sure you don't talk to them like that because they won't like you.

I want to fill the booth up with titties.

Oh, my God.

Okay, we'll see you at 11, all right?

And pussy.

Shave pussy.

Pussy.

Yeah!

I got to call more places.

I got to call more hooters.

I got to stop eating.

I got to stop eating!

I'm out of ranch dressing.

I ate too much ranch dressing.

saying let's rate the fresh veggie platter we had carrots celery tomatoes little great little

nipple tomatoes broccoli cauliflower in order from lowest to highest i would say celery carrots

tomatoes broccoli and my favorite drum roll please cauliflower ranch dressing and some

seasoning on that shit motherfucker fuck yeah everybody let's hear for our veterans today

Yeah, I gotta get more Hooters

But before we do that

Big titties

Little Caesars

Pizza Pizza

How 90s of us

Let's call this place, huh?

I still love me some crazy bread though

Motherfucker

All 73 people on Mixler

And all 39 people listening

On Shoutcast slash TuneIn Radio

Thank you everybody

So big thank you to everyone who's been donating on Patreon

We appreciate it

You guys made me so happy

You made milkman happy hello if anyone's heard from KDK by the way speaking to him earlier in his feminine burping

He's missing. No one's heard or seen from him and his website is down. It's no longer up shit, right?

They have a cell phone here somewhere. Yeah, seriously. Hope dudes. Okay, man

He's you know a friend consider him a friend. That's about all the shit and piss that we went through

I like to start giving shoutouts to people on patreon, but there are so many people on patreon that it's not

And then I worry about giving up because a lot of times people have their whole name on Patreon.

And I don't know how comfortable people like that being sent out on a podcast, you know, or live internet radio.

So I'll pick a random one.

There's a Big Mike.

Big Mike is a horse member joined up two days ago.

Big Mike, you're the sponsor of today's show machine.

Thank you for your service.

All right, motherfuckers.

Let's get some more veterans on here.

Little Caesars was a no-go.

Here's Mimi's Cafe.

Mimi, Mimi, Mimi.

Hello?

Hi, yes.

I'm a veteran.

Okay.

Well, thank you.

Thank you.

You're the first person all day to say thank you.

No, I really mean that, too, though.

Oh, thanks, honey.

You're welcome.

What was your name?

Nicole.

Oh, Nicole.

I like that name.

I really mean that, you know?

Thank you.

I want me some Nicole on the menu tonight.

My favorite waitress is from Mimi's Cafe.

fa and when i was being shot at during the war um i would hide in the dog hole and i'd just

say me me me me me me like that a lot and touch it what do you guys got anything free for us

veterans motherfucker man you're a real motherfucker you know that what happened to nicole

shit nicole really meant that she'd fuck a man and you're and she's like oh yeah i'm gonna fuck

hang on let's call her back fuck that guy that guy was cock blocking i believe i do believe

leave dirty aaron never came back hello is there any nicole on the menu i'm sorry nicole you know

nicole yes i do is she on the menu no she's not on the menu because she could just lay down pull

down her pants and panties you know for me and i can do star 69 and get your phone number oh you

want a 69 with me oh baby that's what i'm talking about you know how you do that right do you want

Do you want to be on top or on the bottom?

Yeah.

I can star 69 this shit.

Because I'm from the 90s.

I'm stuck in the 90s.

And I don't even have a caller ID.

You got to star 69 your ass.

69.

Damn.

She wanted a 69.

We're calling Mimi's on South Hirschborn.

This is Nicole.

How can I help you?

Hey, Nicole.

I was just talking to, was it Jackie?

The other lady?

We're talking about.

Hold on one second.

We're talking about you.

Oh, oh, sir, just one second.

All right.

Mimi, Mimi.

Jan, may I help you?

Hi, Mimi.

How are you?

Hello?

How may I help you?

Hey, is that Mimi?

Austin, I now have your phone number, and I'm calling the phone company right now.

Do not call this number again.

Hey.

This is a place of business.

Labia, Labia.

You know what Labia is?

Yeah, something you're never, ever going to touch.

I always, I just had some.

She got me.

Bonjour, Mimi's Hurstbourne Lane.

This is Jana.

How may I help you?

Hello.

This is a completely different person.

I was looking to see if you had any Veterans Day specials.

Yes, we do on Veterans Day.

Yes, sir.

What do you have?

Burger, French toast.

How's the tuna?

Fast and furious.

Hello, back in Evansville.

This is Shelby.

Hi, I'm a veteran.

I'm entitled.

Okay.

What can I get for you?

I said I'm a veteran.

Okay.

Are you asking about the free Bloomin' Onion?

I'm saying I'm a veteran.

and I'm asking for a little gratitude, first of all.

Thank you very much, sir.

I appreciate your service.

It's about time.

Why it took so long for you to say that?

You don't really appreciate it.

What do you have for free?

Come on, what's going on?

What do you got?

We're giving away a free Bloomin' Onion

and a cold beverage tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Not today, motherfucker?

Come on!

Aww.

Thank you for choosing our best fake house.

And so is Trey.

How may I help you?

What was your name?

My name's Trey.

Oh, hey, Trey.

Is that with an A-Y or an E-Y?

E-Y.

Oh, that's effeminate.

i'm a veteran me too thank you for your service well thank you for your service amen brother what

were you in i was in the 82nd airborne i was dropped the dropped into afghanistan yeah for

19 delta yeah oh shit when uh back in 89 to 94 ah peacetime bullshit pussy motherfucker

wow while you stood around holding your dick in your hand and not in the desert for nine months

Wow. Look at me. I was in Desert Storm.

Motherfucker, I was in Afghanistan.

Okay, well, you know what?

Well, I don't support you. I think you're a pussy.

What we got going for free for us, brothers, tomorrow?

We got our Bloomin' Onions and a free soft drink today.

Fuck yeah. Today? Fuck yeah.

I'm coming in then, motherfucker.

Fuck yeah.

I'm coming in, brother.

Yeah, yeah. Is there any tray on the menu?

Any tray on that menu?

I think so on that one.

I'd like to kiss your body all over, touch your body, smell that musk of yours, masculine musk of yours.

What kind of cologne you wear?

You wear some Hermes, Ralph Lauren?

What do you like to wear?

Oh, you're an Old Spice guy?

When are you coming in?

Huh?

When are you coming in?

I'm going to come in like in an hour.

Hey, you make sure that you got some Old Spice on you.

I like my man with Old Spice.

He runs with my dad.

Huh?

But I look forward to seeing you.

I look forward to seeing you, too.

I know what you mean, honey.

You know what I mean?

What's your name, though?

Cross.

All right, motherfucker.

all right brothers all right to the free world to yeah man fuck yeah you won the war motherfucker

yeah we won the war motherfucker amen brother all right all right bye hey here hey i'm gonna

raise my glass i've been drinking here i'm gonna raise my glass right now for shitting in front of

other people and basic you know what i mean why i dude that was a mind when you got to watch other

people shit in front of you you remember that wasn't it hot it was hot man sometimes the young

Young ones would be like, I'm like that, you know, pushing it out.

All right.

All right, motherfucker.

Shut up.

Time, motherfucker.

It was a desert storm.

My ass.

During desert storm was probably in, like, Germany and shit.

I was in the shit.

I was in Da Nang.

Battlefield, Vietnam, man.

It was a good game.

Been a year in tour.

Captain DS.

I know a DS.

Captain DS.

I think that's at Fish Place, motherfuckers.

Yeah.

four two three shut up captain d's the number you have reached has been disconnected

good morning lair capital how my director call hey i saw your commercial there in the

shit tv okay do you have an account with us have you ever contacted us before no this is the first

time and i made a lot of money selling a chemical cocktail and my bathtub and i need to convert the

cash to gold or silver and let me transfer you guys would be a great option for money laundering

hold on one second all right baby dirty hair and back in the machine yeah thank you for calling

your capital hey big guy how you doing great you're doing gray i'm doing great no gray you

said you said gray i'm sorry i'm sorry you're feeling i'm a veteran okay happy veterans that's

more like it um i made a lot of money selling a chemical cocktail that i mixed myself in my

my bathtub no need to get into what it is but i need to convert it to cash gold i need to convert

the cash to gold or silver it's called money laundering and you guys would be great to go

into business with me i think so how do we do this can i send you singles yeah let me um give you

this number call it's called the fb you think you're slick you think you're funny i'm putting

my lawyer on the phone all right oh he's not he's not there yeah that's it's not i'm not trying to

to be funny i'm serious i'm trying to get you know what you need a better lawyer fuck you you

say fuck you hey buddy i didn't stutter i said fuck you hey buddy let me answer your question

fuck you okay do you have fuck you is what i got hey buddy do me a favor go fuck you all right no

you go fuck you chuckles good morning lear capital i'm a veteran how may i direct your call

well i'm a veteran first of all you could say thank you how may i assist you you could say

say thank you for being a serve for serving your country why you don't thank me sir i don't know

you i'm a veteran back at a place of business i'm a veteran i'm entitled you say thank you

oh wow that's the worst one so far how come every other random business

your call is next to be answered their capital yeah i'm a veteran yes sir how can i direct your

call you can start by thanking me sir does your your so your company doesn't support veterans

thank you i'm gonna tell everyone of course we do no but you don't even say thank you that's

disgusting they don't everybody they don't or they say thank you think about it horse farm hiring

oh my god we got more businesses here stand by the shark ion robot vacuum ha ha ha i remember

these guys thank you for your patience your estimated hold time is 10 minutes 10 minutes

fuck that erin welcome back it's good to have you thank god you're here all right good assortment

he just hung up he thinks his skype is broken and we should call him direct okay i'll do that

hello hello hey what's up aaron carlito yeah so it's just not working for you huh that's a shame

that's a shame yeah yeah man all right let's do one of these calls where i uh have some breaking

news to share on the tip line i think i'm gonna do the uh the hunt for red the tip the hunt for

red october the plot to the hunt for red october oh my god yeah my favorite movie of all time

Is it really?

Wow, man, it's got that old guy in it.

Yeah.

The

Scottish guy who plays the Russian guy.

Scottish guy.

Hi, I got breaking news.

Okay.

Yeah, it's regarding a Russian submarine captain.

His name is Marco.

Okay.

He's a commander of a submarine called the Red October,

and it's a brand-new Typhoon-class nuclear missile submarine

with a stealth caterpillar drive in it.

Are you getting all this?

Okay, why do we care?

Well, because my phone call might get cut off at any time,

so i gotta let you know all about this um it's undetectable to passive sonar and um the captain

he left the port to conduct exercises with um with a different attack submarine and um he had

his former student captain named tupolev and they were at sea and he secretly killed the political

officer the russian captain killed him and he started relaying false orders sorry about it

You're a cunt.

Have a good one.

You're a cunt.

Fucking bitch.

I don't care.

She just hangs up.

Wow.

Very rude.

I mean, they probably get the worst call.

What do I got here?

I got some breaking news I could read.

Oh, I could read the police logs from my local...

So I didn't ask for it, but suddenly I get the newspaper in the mailbox.

Oh, really?

And they have the police blotter where they get all the phone calls for the police.

Yeah.

You still do that there?

Shit.

Yeah.

Caller said a picture in a car took a picture of their home near 4000 block of Mapleton Drive.

Oh, my God.

Someone took a picture of her car.

Holy shit.

And she has a Tesla.

And she's very upset because it's a Tesla.

And why would you take a picture of a Tesla unless you're up to no good?

You know what I mean?

Obviously, she wants to steal the Tesla.

9.37 p.m.

A caller said her husband was yelling.

Her husband is yelling.

8.36 a.m.

a man and woman were arguing over money.

He's just giving her all these tips.

Okay, I'm going to call the same

cunty lady back. Here we go.

Alright, this is in Nashville, by the way,

if it comes up. Nashville, Nashville.

That's in Tennessee, home of Big Tuck.

Mike Tucker.

Yes, I have a tip on an accident.

9.28 a.m., a hit-and-run

accident was reported near the

1900 block of Willamette Drive.

Where? 1900 block of Willamette Drive.

Willamette? Yep.

At 3.37 p.m., two vehicles collided near 22200 block of Lennett Drive.

Are you getting this?

Okay.

How do you spell Lennett Drive?

Oh, it's Will-ammet.

Oh, Will-annet.

Got it.

Okay.

So two separate hit and runs, is that what you're calling about?

9.28 a.m. and 3.37 p.m., yes.

So 3 o'clock yesterday?

Yes.

Okay.

Is that given in threes?

It says that one man was not wearing any pants and he was masturbating while driving.

Huh.

Interesting.

choice anything else well he was masturbating with a picture of you uh a picture of her you know that

means yeah no she's gone she's gone she hung up the phone you wasted her time you wasted her time

fuck her anyway she's mean uh just a second oh shit all right that's it for that list of numbers

let's go back to the main uh email machine and grab that second list off of there i can only do

a show for 40 more minutes 40 4 0 40 more minutes a show looking here i had mark to call this

hairstylist place back your class how may i help you yeah i'm a veteran barber for the army i've

shaved out white hair black hair mexican hair chinese hair all hair i can't understand what

you're saying well i i've shaved off hair i used to do an army to shave hair okay so do you have

have a job for a hairstylist listen you've called here like three times we have your number no you

don't we wrote it down no you don't yes we do your name is jess how do you know that my name is jess

my name is jess what what hey where i lost dirty aaron holy shit

my name is jess my name is jess the mailbox is full and cannot accept any messages

Fuck you, Milkman.

He knew there was a show.

He knew there was a show this morning, and he didn't show up on purpose.

Your class may help you.

My name is Jail.

Hello?

Listen, buddy.

If you keep calling back here, I'm going to call the police.

I just...

And I will have you arrested.

Can I book an appointment?

Listen, buddy.

I'm using a totally different ID.

My name is Jail.

Okie dokie.

Well, goddamn.

Done with you.

Oops.

Hung up on the wrong person.

I hung up on the wrong person.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, buddy.

It's not your fault.

It's the Skype's fault.

Yeah, that's because it wasn't for that.

You'd be on Skype and this would not be happening.

Indeed.

All right.

Okay, let's see.

I'm back at the map here looking at Dunkin' Donuts.

They don't really got shit for me.

Nothing going on there.

You want to try some more of those health clubs or whatever?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think we could push that pretty far.

I think so.

All right, let me try this church first.

I want to do a God damn it call.

God bless you, God damn it.

It's been a while since I've done those.

You know how I like to keep doing the same thing over and over again.

Yeah.

Hello, and thank you for calling Delaney Street Baptist Church.

Our church office is open Monday through Thursday from 9 a.m.

Ah.

It's our worship service time.

Of course they're closed on Friday.

Those are shit.

All right.

Let's go.

Planet Fitness, motherfucker.

Planet Fitness.

If I hang up again on an accident, I'm sorry.

I'll remember and call you back as soon as I can.

To ensure the highest quality service, this call may be monitored and recorded.

It's holding this, this is Phil.

I'm sorry, I'm just checking in about your, uh, do you have goals?

He has, like, different classes. Are you a member?

I'm thinking about becoming one. I'm a member of another, of another fitness.

I just, I don't want to mention the name.

Kind of having some problems over there, and I just want to see what the,

do you have the one-on-one personal trainers? Do you guys have that there?

Um, it's not one-on-one, it's different classes.

But, um, how'd you hear about Planet Fitness?

um um for google but the deal is is that i was going to another it's kind of a corporate to have

a few locations in the area one-on-one training my my fitness goal i reached my my my first

fitness goal of getting down to 300 pounds and um the trainer that i was working at was a was a

woman and she used to be a cheerleader for the seattle supersonics are you familiar with that

yeah yeah they uh well she's came to thunder right that's right so you know what's going on there

Anyway, you know, she had been promising to have a little intercourse with me if I was to reach my weight goal.

You know, I've always kind of had a fantasy of being with a cheerleader, and so she knew that, and I told her that.

When I got there, she didn't complete the follow-up.

Damn, okay, that's a...

I would be there, you know, she'd be whispering in my ear, like, talking dirty to me, and sometimes I'd get an erection.

we have to towel you know like and but both that's normal you know this is the first time

like this and i've been eating i've been eating dongs and hoes you know by the package all day

just trying to get over this i mean here's the thing is that you know i'm kind of mad but i'm

kind of happy because i i mean i lost the weight so i'm just wondering if that's a if you guys

offer that like i might want to get a membership you know like that kind of motivation you know

know what i'm saying so that i want to say yeah we definitely don't you don't have to worry about

that here yeah we we have that we created a judgment free zone no no uh basically like the

world judges and we don't most of our members we want all our members to have a comfortable

right yeah i mean i'd be there i'd be there on like the on like the the elliptical you know

and she'd be telling me that she was gonna fellatiate me and that she was going to

things it was uh would go every day and she would be there i paid a lot of money too i would and i'd

give her tips and all kinds of stuff yeah there's uh i know there is none nothing like that at here

at planet fitness yeah we have a trainer jared here the jared does that because i swing both

ways you know uh-huh no i'm no he doesn't he does not he will not try anything with you at all as

he'll keep it straight i mean it isn't because i thought i'd be able to cleat i mean i've only

I've only had sex one time cuz I'm so fat. I'm happy eating these Twinkies

I like the zingers, you know the ones with the coconut in them

It's a whole package for the six and more I do. I don't think I can go back there

I hope they're a down payment on our card. I just don't

Hello, how much is it how much is the trainer for ship?

Oh, this is the membership the black card card. Why is it gotta be black?

Oh, I have no idea have no idea why it's a black card. How much is that one?

It's $21.99 a month, plus tax.

Well, I'll think about it.

I've got to eat some more.

I mean, I'm obviously trying to find someone, another trainer who can help me.

You know what I mean?

But let me call you back.

Okay, bye.

That was a great faint cry, man.

That was great.

I like that you said you helped buy the car.

It's almost even better to say I co-signed on my car.

Right, right.

Co-signed on the loan.

The guy's like, he knows that, you know, it's like, oh, this guy got a fucking gang.

He's this poor fucking fat dude.

She's whispering in your ear, going, oh, fuck you.

It's a big guy and he loves to go, oh, I got some pussy.

You can just see some fat motherfucker just on the treadmill just running.

I'm going to get it.

Oh, man.

Yeah.

Fucking scammed you all the way.

I'm going to just call our IDs here, and we'll call another one.

I can do the next one here.

Let's call a different planet, Fitness Eye.

The guy wasn't – he was unshakable, though.

I mean, he was just like, wow, man, that's –

That's fucked up, man.

He's like, oh, man, I'm sorry he fell for you.

He's like, oh, man.

Oh, no, no, we wouldn't do that here, no.

To ensure the highest quality service, this call may be monitored and recorded.

And my love is you.

Thank you for calling Planet Fitness Metro West.

Hey, how you doing?

Hey, I'm doing great. And yourself?

I'm good. I'm a veteran.

Okay.

I'm a veteran. You know, you could say, you know, something you could say because I'm a veteran.

Thank you.

Hello?

Sorry.

Thank you for what? Thank you for...

How can I help you today, sir?

Anyway, look, do you have personal trainers there? I'm looking to sign up.

I just got kicked out of my, you know, the 24-hour fitness on Michigan?

Oh, yes.

All right. Do you know a girl named Jackie there?

No, I just know of the gym.

I haven't been in there.

Yeah, well, you know, they really screwed me over, all right?

I started my weight loss journey at 400 pounds, and yes, two days ago on Tuesday when I weighed in,

I hit my second goal of 300 pounds.

I weighed in at 298.

Okay, so are you currently a member with us?

Well, no, that's the whole thing.

Let me explain to you what happened because I don't know much about Planet Fitness.

i just know at 24 hour fitness my trainer there jackie she said that you guys were

shit you know she used to tell me like to never think about going to you guys

she called it planet fagness i'm sorry to say that but that's how she used to call it you know

what i mean all right let me let me tell you a little bit about playing fitness then all right

man okay go ahead judges we don't this is why we created the judgment free zone our members work

out in a comfortable non-intimidating environment we do not cater to bodybuilders here we focus

focus more on general fitness. Most of our members are first-time gym users. Over here at Planet

Fitness, we have tons of cardio as well as a variety of weight resistance machines that are

very user-friendly. We also have a 30-minute circuit that allows for a full body workout

that's quick and easy. Our store hours here at Planet Fitness are going to be 24 hours a day,

five days a week. On weekends, we're open from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. We have over 1,300 locations

nationwide, and we have over 20 locations here in the Central Florida area. You said you wanted

to know about the fitness trainer we also have a pepf program which is unlimited fitness training

with our certified fitness instructor cornelius his classes are always included and always

unlimited in group settings no more than five people you can design your own blah blah blah

he has over 1 000 appointments every month to keep your workouts exciting and interesting

for our membership memberships here at planet fitness we currently have three memberships we

have a ten dollar membership which is going to be ten dollars a month it's going to be a startup

up fee of $49, and it's a 12-month program. We also have the $15 membership, which is going to

be $15 a month, also has a $49 startup fee, and that one, it has no commitment. Our last membership

is going to be the Black Card membership, which is a $0 startup fee. It's going to be $21.99,

and it is also a 12-month program. With the Black Card membership, you get a couple of benefits.

You can bring guests with you to any Planet Fitness location. You can visit any of our

locations nationwide you can use our tanning beds and massage chairs you get half off on cool drinks

all our memberships get charged a 39 annual fee that goes into effect january 1st there's bill on

the 17th for the month if i advise you come take a tour of our beautiful facility if you have the

opportunity if not you can check us out on planetfitness.com take a virtual tour there or

you can check us out on facebook and twitter do you have any other questions my friend are you

you about done yes so what i was getting at was that jackie she when i hit my goal weight of 300

i actually hit 298 she had been promising all promising me all this time um a reward and she

refused to give it to me yesterday i got the i basically got you know screwed um what kind of

incentives do your trainers provide you said the name is cornelia's yes our fitness runners name

name is Cornelia all right because Jackie used to like when I'd work out at first started you

know she was always like you know keep going you know pull one more one more you know and then

started like she would whisper in my ear like you know when I you know when you hit 300 I'm gonna

fuck you so hard she used to tell me like that and she used to lick my ear you know all right

sir is there anything else I can help you well she promised me if I hit 300 pounds that she would

would have sex with me and she refused to yesterday like i was masturbating in front of her and she

was like oh don't uh sexual harassment and all this bullshit you know all right sir is there

anything i can help you yeah can i do you have a problem with grunting yes grunting no dropping

weights allowed here at planet fitness at all what if i'd taken a shit okay yeah wow jesus we

got a whole this today's show is brought sponsored by planet fitness apparently god damn jesus christ

Yeah, seriously.

Right off the script, the whole thing.

Scripted the whole thing, motherfucker.

Not fair.

Is it really only $20 a month?

That's fucking cheap.

How do they even say open?

Well, yeah, I mean, it's just cheap as $9.

I think the benefit of the $20 a month is that you can bring a friend,

and instead of charging you $2 for your water or your drinks,

they only charge you $1.

and then you get used to, like, they have tanning salon, bedroom, and fucking UV.

Oh, is that where the fuck? Is that where you make the fuck?

Yeah, there was a YouTube video I saw once.

This guy was like, the best place that you can go to fuck a girl,

instead of getting a hotel room, he's like, fuck that shit.

What you do is you get a black card membership to Planet Fitness

because you can bring one guest.

And you just go right into the tanning room and you get 30 minutes

so you can fuck her

and do whatever you want

inside the tannin room.

That was that.

A guy figured it out.

He's like,

look,

I pay $20 a month

to fuck girls all at once

instead of having to get

hotel rooms and shit.

And I was like,

that guy's a smart guy, man.

Smart guy.

Because you know,

those hotel rooms

are expensive.

Yeah,

they're like $39.

Yeah,

fuck yeah.

Few more calls

and we call it a day.

You want to do

another one of those?

Yeah, sure.

Maybe the guy

won't talk your ear off.

All right,

we're calling this

This is Planet Fitness here.

Yeah.

To ensure the highest quality service, this call may be monitored and recorded.

Planet Fitness in Rio Pinar.

This is Ryan.

How can I help you?

Ryan?

Yeah.

Do you remember?

How did you hear about us?

The internet.

Internet.

That's a wonderful place to be.

You've got to be careful when you...

It is.

I was my last trainer.

What was the problem?

I was going to be 400 pounds, and I'm a trainer, a cheerleader, a church team.

to try to become a person.

Hating me and working with me

is, I don't know if it's just me or not,

but me, if my God can free me.

Well, I can pretty much guarantee

that would not happen here.

Well, what is fine with that

is that she lied to me

and she didn't attend dinner.

And then when I would be there working out,

she'd eat my pants and just leave.

You must be a sick lad.

You must be irresistible.

I can't. I've been eating donuts.

Now, was that breakfast or was that a snack?

I used to eat 400.

Was that an entire breakfast?

A dozen donuts?

One.

That's a rough situation right there.

So let me tell you a little bit about the...

Yeah, go ahead.

...be coming to?

Hey, how you doing, sir?

With the Yerr Club?

Do they offer those services?

No, that's not one of the services that we would offer.

If you've been to a fitness club, you know about the training.

Maybe you wouldn't.

I'm guessing you probably wouldn't want to come here if that's what you're coming here for.

Trainer experience, I thought that's what trainers did.

No, no, that's not what all the trainers did.

If it's a man trainer, I'm fine with that.

I'll go either way.

Yeah, no, you're not going to have that happen.

No, why not?

We're going to continue down this avenue.

Oh, I don't know.

What am I, some earrings?

Clear, clear, clear, clear, clear, clear, clear.

That's a good version of Jack Masterson.

Good work, man.

Hey, Dodds, I'm a veteran.

You could, you know, maybe thank me, first of all.

Thank you.

For what?

God damn right.

Do you got any of the bullets, the ammo there that I can use for shooting fish in the water?

Yeah, I want to shoot bass.

I'm crappy.

What's going on?

You got a little Tourette's there?

What's going on?

What's that?

Could I shoot it straight down in the water?

I just want to spray the entire lake with bullets.

Do you have any anvils that I can just drop?

Shit.

God damn it.

Hey, how big is your sexual organs?

You want to find out?

I got a measuring tape.

Yeah?

Is it bigger when you're hard or when you're soft?

I get it.

All right.

All right, honey baby.

All right, I'm going to come in.

What was your name?

all right dustin i want to come in i want to see you all right i want to lay hands on you you know

what i mean all right i want to point a gun at you but there's no ammo and i just want to point

it at you you know all right cool i'll be right there all right sexy bye whatever child is not in

service at this time please check the number and try again and fuck yourself again and yourself

again goddamn right um uh yeah yeah yeah i think these west virginia numbers will just have to

wait for another day and i think i'm gonna cut the show off there i i gotta i gotta get ready

gonna get something some lunch here real quick and then i gotta do a show i gotta do video pranks

for calls and mass confusion dirty aaron you should get it you should get it yeah well thanks

for having me on sorry the technical difficulties i gotta no worries it's my skype or whatever

that's fine it didn't attract at all it was just nothing nothing at all a good idea too that was a

very good idea um yeah are you coming back to doing shows you're still working on it you got

got technical things to work on still working on it i found out that my one laptop that i wanted

to use was uh it's fucking windows vista that's how old it is and uh it won't update the version

of skype um because they don't support anything past xp and the machine won't take xp so i either

have to go buy i found on amazon where they sell these like refurbed laptops for like 149 dollars

but if I can figure out

how to make my mixer work with

my Mac that's all updated

that's all good to go

but the Mixler

for Mac doesn't seem to recognize

the microphone

so I gotta fuck

well hey you should try to get that done by

Thanksgiving because it's going down this year

maybe you could do a show

take one of the hours

that's the plan that's what I want to do

alright Dirty Aaron well that's good news

hopefully we see you back soon

All right.

Yeah.

Good having you on.

All right, brother.

Take it easy, man.

Okay, bye.

Dirty Aaron, everybody.

Again, I want to thank and explain everything today he said about veterans.

There was some parody.

Parody.

I have nothing but respect for the veterans of the United States and the United States only.

UK Ted, if you're listening to this.

Oh, yeah.

I know you're listening to this.

So, the next Madhouse show will be on Pranksgiving.

That's Thanksgiving night.

Thanksgiving.

More like Pranksgiving.

That'll be the 23rd of November. I'll be starting at 10 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, 7 p.m. Pacific, and I'm planning on doing a six hour show that night. I do have and again, if we are looking at the 24 hours of prank calls, hopefully that's that's what we're working on here.

here uh brad carter is in rbcp will be doing a show xyz is committed dwight is committed and i

believe we have one more other person i'm trying to think who it was at the top of my head i think

we have one other person committed so i already got four i'd like to see if we get if dirty aaron

can do a show that'll be good if we get one or two more hosts we can do it all right so look forward

to that that'll be my next live show in the meantime go over to madhouse live.com madhouse

madhouselive.com check out tune in the links are there you can also dial 605-475-0097

24 7365 to get your madhouse fixing in patreon.com forward slash madhouse patreon.com forward slash

madhouse if you'd like to support the show you've got different levels of rewards there be sure to

check those out follow me on twitter at madhouse on twitter and on facebook madhouse.live

And I guess that's it

Catch you guys later

Bye

Calls (27, 1 h 19 min of 2 h 6 min)

Transcript

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