Christmas Confidence Level Reporting

Implement confidence reporting.

Missile warning, this is Beal. Stand by for confidence reporting.

SSCO, no malfunction.

Missile warning, no malfunction.

Missile warning, this is Beal. Confidence is high. I repeat, confidence is high.

I want to confirm, is this an exercise?

Roger, copy. This is not an exercise.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the main event of the evening.

and those in attendance and fans watching around live.

Calling loans.

Instrucciones en espanol, marque 3.

For directions to the store, press 1.

For store hours, 2.

The operator.

Information on deliveries, press 1.

For scheduled installations, press 2.

Commercial sales, press 3.

Appliances, press 4.

Four, lumber and building materials.

Five, transferring to lumber and building materials.

Please hold.

This is Sergeant Stadenko.

Attention all units, this is Sergeant Stadenko.

Code, pursuit to a prison.

Is your machine busy?

Well, I mean, I was calling, trying to get some wooden machine.

You wanted to talk to lumber?

Yeah, but no one answered.

Well, you think they're over there, is it real busy?

Is it bad there?

Are there fistfights and stuff?

Oh, no, it's fine.

It's just, we just have to try.

I think one of our...

All right, honey baby. Hey, merry christmas to you. I I made some eggnog. Do you want some eggnog?

I'm good. Thank you. Oh, i'll give an eggnog animal. All right. I'll be right here. Okay

Oh, that was weird

Oh, hey, were you the gross it's gonna send me to lumbers. It must be real. You must be real busy there, huh?

Yeah

What were you trying to pick up?

I didn't realize that they celebrated Christmas in this country.

They celebrate what?

That they celebrate Christmas in this country.

I'm not from Hawaii.

I'm from the mainland.

So I was just here on business, and I'm a Jehovah's Witness,

and I come to find out this is Christmas here,

and now I need to buy a Christmas present for this person.

Purchasing?

Well, I need a box.

I need to make a box out of wood.

I'm going to make her a nice box, you know?

You did the lumber cut.

Yeah, well, I was going to.

I want to come down, cut it myself, and show her how I cut it.

Really, you know, I wear like a lumberjack outfit that I keep.

And I'm just going, you know, I like to get the sawdust in my hair and all that, you know?

I like the smell of the wood and all that.

Can I make the machine go?

Can I touch the machine and make them cut?

How does that work?

So if I want to buy a plywood machine and I need to cut a certain way, you people would have, you would have, like, a gentleman there who would, you know, perhaps cut it, cut it up a little bit?

I know that we do have people here that can cut it.

Okay.

All right.

Really?

And they do that for you?

Really?

Yeah, they do that for you.

That's what I'm trying to get at.

Hey, why are you talking like that now?

What?

I don't know.

Like, you're kind of, I don't know.

I mean, what's your Snapchat?

what's your snapchat they don't have that oh what do you do what do you use you have tinder

no you're on tinder shit oh man um uh well i don't know i don't do facebooks you know

because i go by different all right look um you can you get me someone there like stat

really i have an idea i need to shoot it by them but it doesn't work unless it's actually a lumber

guy is there a guy around there like you can ask yeah one second is larry from tool world there

all right we'll stay here fuck yeah it is what do you think our friends at zappos are doing

so hey everybody i'm carlito machine it is christmas eve 2017 i am doing a show here

usually this is myself and big brad uh carter but uh brad decided that he thought family was

was more important than prank calls and more important than you guys and more important most

importantly more important than me and this arrangement that we've had for years now where

we do a show together on christmas eve so there you go i can bust a man was very hurt by that

that he would choose family over us but fine uh milkman was at the dispensary for his diabetes

medication and was going to join us because he's not allowed to use the phone machine there

uh so he'll be calling my cell phone here once he's out of there and i will let him in uh dwight

mcclanahan is getting numbers right now and he hopefully will be joining in a little bit later

along with uh i believe i had made contact with uh laugh track matt i believe so uh dom the bomb

from the super phone brothers machine had a special announcement to make so we are looking

Looking forward to that going down.

Hopefully he can join in.

That'll be a little later, though, because Milkman has sensitivities.

Hello?

If it's like 11 o'clock and Milkman hasn't called, I'm sorry.

Then we're going to open the lines.

Then he doesn't get his half show with just me and him.

And I think that's fair.

Um, me, me, me, me.

Oh, shit.

That's right.

Norad, guys.

Norad.

Oh, man.

Norad.

Track.

Santa.

Yeah.

Let's play that NORAD prank call.

The original one.

Thank you for calling the NORAD Track Santa hotline.

Radars indicate Santa has launched off from the North Pole.

NORAD's Santa Tracker will be with you in a moment.

NORAD Track Santa, this is Sergeant Mesa.

How may I help you?

Yeah, Sergeant Mesa, this is Looking Glass.

All right, sir.

How can I help you?

This is good.

Confidence is high.

Oh, yeah.

We have three inbound tracks from the Soviet Union.

Impact points.

What is your state of readiness, please?

this is looking glass what is your status please what department are you waiting for i need to cut

some lumber i need to talk to the guys in the lumber department let's go let's go okay one

moment bye yeah exactly this is nor this is norad i'll play from the beginning hey cousin how you

doing good all right i was i've been trying to get a hold of someone with lumber machine okay

the lumber associates have are gone um what did you put with the lumber machine well is there a

man i can explain it too i can try and transfer you to a manager but no no it has to be is the

manager a man or a woman a man all right like they have the he has the business you know okay

because i mean i can tell you but will you understand do you know how the wood works

i mean i can i can try and understand but okay if you want to explain it you try really hard

do you know what wood is yes i do okay and um do you know how the wood comes in the big thing

big board or big pole you know big pole all right so what we do is uh we cut it to a certain size

for our project that we have to work on and that way we put it together exactly so the so that the

ends don't go too far you know and that it looks the way we want it to look okay all right so go

ahead so you your question was about the wood if anybody could cut it yeah you know how they put it

on the machine and it goes it's really loud and it makes cutting on it and to the shape that you

program it yeah yeah yeah so we only have the wood saw um unfortunately the associates who work

like i said in the lumber department are gone for the day okay so can i use this now is this

Because this is do-it-yourself.

There's a big sign there that says do-it-yourself.

Yeah, we don't usually allow that.

That's why we have to do it.

Okay, well, listen.

Here's what happened.

I was at a Lowe's on the mainland, and I started doing it.

I started cutting for my dog's coffin.

And, unfortunately, the woman came by who said,

Oh, you can't do that, and you can't do this, she was saying.

And I was like, I tried to explain.

You know how I tried to explain, and you understood the woman thing, first of all.

You don't understand.

understand you cannot possibly understand but she i guess just she has some specialized training

like you did there when you got hired there they put you through the the specialized hey i'm

talking honey hey excuse me hello yeah i'm listening okay so um all right so they said

that i couldn't do that and they were they got really like nasty with me you know and i called

the police and i said listen it says here all over the place do it yourself do it yourself

and i'm doing it myself right now and they everyone said okay fine go ahead and they said

that the policeman said yes he said yes he has a right the sign says do it yourself and that means

that he can do it that's what the policeman said and the man the woman manager of the store um

um she was saying oh no that's you bbs you know shit and all this stuff to a policeman and he

pulled his gun out and he started shooting it in the air like like that to calm her down and

everyone was running yeah i mean the policeman that had to you know he had to really then ended

up tasing tasing her so the law's on my side and i need to make this box okay you wanted to just cut

up the wood yourself well yeah but and like i'm saying i have legal precedence here i've already

been through this before an armed police officer deputized by the state government

said that i was correct that if the sign says if there's do-it-yourself anywhere on your premises

on your campus that leaves reasonable expectation that i'm allowed to use all machinery that's

there and do it myself if i'm able to access it i'm able to use it okay okay all right i mean

would this be a problem i mean would it be better what you guys are closing at six is it or

something yeah we're already yeah we're closing in 15 minutes oh shit so maybe i you know i'll

come in i'll call it's gonna take me like at least like 30 minutes to cut all this wood

and i i'm not even there yet you know right i was maybe i mean did the guy the men have left

is what you're saying the men basically that's what we're getting at the men have left right

okay all right okay all right well i don't know what else i don't know what else to say

I do apologize that they've gone for the evening.

Okay.

Is Larry still there?

In Tool World?

Yeah.

Yeah, he, well, I mean, he, yeah, he works here, but he's gone for the day.

When did he leave?

Motherfucker him, that fat fuck.

He left at four.

He's a big fat fuck, you know that?

You know what?

He farted in his hand and he smelled it.

I caught him doing that.

He farted in his hand and he smelled it.

And he didn't think anyone was looking and I saw him do it.

Okay?

All right.

Make sure everyone knows about that, okay?

All right.

Look, I gotta go.

merry christmas to you if you believe in that i know i don't know if you're howley or connect or

what are you but um you know you just have yourself a good night at least you know i hope you get nice

you have boyfriend girlfriend here in vietnam no just single you're single oh that's too bad hey

you want to watch a movie you want to watch star wars if i'm able to okay well like what when do

you get out you're closing in 15 minutes where's that movie theater the the dull cannery or whatever

it is is that what it's called uh-huh yeah you want to meet there yeah i guess uh i mean do you

need to go home and freshen up or can you just come yeah i might have to go home and freshen up

oh okay all right well i'm cross all right my name is cross okay all right um what movie what

movie did you want to see return of the the sith what is it is the star wars movie okay all right

yeah yeah all right what's going on what's what are they talking about over there what's going on

just about closing about closing are you ready to close did you count down your tail and all that

that stuff did you do all your shit okay all right all right cool uh well you want any popcorns and

stuff i mean i can totally whatever you want you want to get popcorn you know whatever i know

popcorn something like that all right all right cool well i don't even know what you what do i

look for what are you gonna wear are you gonna have like a rose on dress you're gonna have a

black dress okay very good hey don't get um the deodorant on it okay okay all right and i'm

autistic i'm autistic also okay okay okay and they don't let me sit um you know i'm supposed

to keep my hands to myself the whole time okay my hands are supposed to stay on my body but not

you know like on my body but you know only me only me okay all right so i will see you there

i don't know you didn't give me a time i'll be late like eight o'clock fuck yeah all right okay

Hey, all right.

You want to give me your Snapchat or something so I can find you?

Snapchat, unfortunately.

Fuck that.

All right.

All right, look, I got to go.

All right, I got to go get ready.

I have to go shave.

Okay.

All right, I'll see you there at 8 o'clock.

What's your name, Lindsay?

Lulu?

What was it?

Jenny.

All right, Jenny.

Are you, I mean, how tall are you?

6'2"?

5'10".

And what do you weigh?

Maybe like 180.

Oh, you're a big girl.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, you could lose a good 60 pounds there, honey.

Mm-hmm.

What size you are?

What are you, 14?

I'm like a 15.

15?

Okay.

All right.

Okay.

Well, you know, I just realized I have, it's Christmas Eve, you know, and I have that thing to go to.

Okay, so I'm just going to, I can't make it to the movie tonight.

Okay, that's fine.

All right, I'm sorry.

I mean, maybe you can just take your child out or something.

Why don't you do that?

I'm single.

i don't have any kids oh shit okay all right well seriously look i just this has been a big

misunderstanding okay all right larry sent me though larry did and i'm looking glass all right

bye jesus christ alone i don't know she's trying to i don't even want to talk about it here let's

hear this prank call from the beginning okay shut up you want the other phone they're calling

the thorat track santa hotline radars indicate santa has launched off from the north pole

NORAD Santa Tracker will be with you in a moment.

NORAD Tracks Santa, this is Sergeant Mesa. How may I help you?

Yeah, Sergeant Mesa, this is Looking Glass.

All right, sir. How can I help you?

This is good. Confidence is high.

Oh, yeah.

We have three inbound tracks from the Soviet Union. Impact points.

What is your state of readiness, please?

This is Collin again.

This is Looking Glass. What is your status, please?

Sad sight.

Yeah, exactly. This is NORAD, and I'm Looking Glass,

and I'm carrying out

an order, an executive order

from the commander-in-chief. We have three

impact points, three incoming traps from the Soviet

Union. Can I have a confidence-level

report, please? Now, is this real world?

Yeah, I need a confidence-level report,

please. Will you hold for one second, sir?

Okay. This is a horrible

idea, Carly.

You're going to start a nuclear war, and it's going to be our fault.

Oh, shit. You're going to die.

We are at DEFCON 1.

I just placed

the fucking Western seaboard on alert.

easy easy easy with the music with the volume and playing the wrong music that's why we need

milkman here let's go right into it christmas so we haven't really had a prank call we just

had like interesting conversations i'm not satisfied yet i cannot end the show yet

i'll have to go late tonight but that all depends on if the calls are hit enough

depends on me and how i'm doing i am not drinking alcohol this this year all right that may help

Nunu has an idea about calling people named Alexa and Siri and acting confused.

Nunu, have you shared this idea with anyone else?

I thought this was a private idea.

Let's kill this ringing.

Nunu, report.

Not once.

I don't want to be like, I'm the third guy, the second guy, doing the idea that you came to me with.

Because, no, I'm not that.

I don't want anyone to accuse me of anything.

Of anything.

So before I start doing these, before I get an answer from Nunu, that's not what this is about.

out that's not what this is about all circuits are busy ah fuck you

a stupid night we gotta call norad god damn it someone give me the norad number at once

oh yeah your call cannot great call great great great effort you guys don't worry i will make

this happen i will make this night work this night will work tonight this will work tonight

night let's get to the bottom of that and figure this out once and for all and move on we got

another alexa here and we got to get norad guys norad norad come on let's go i need someone to

get me that norad number new new norad number let's go dwight everyone your international call

cannot be completed as i'm calling a moratorium on the rule of no numbers in chat right now

and that includes discord.gg slash pranks i grant general absolution

yeah Nunu give me an example I don't need that kind of example I need you to

put it in type it in you twit with your fingers on the keyboard type it in you

twit song goes out to Brad Carter I'm making it a slight adjustment to the

caller ID all the people talk about Dora all that local news saying here we go

Dwight, is that a real number?

What do you mean, stupid?

I don't have a dial pad.

Fuck.

There's a way to do this.

Input device.

No, that's not it.

Switch to calls.

Here we go.

Oh, that's not it.

Shit.

There we go.

XYZ helping.

XYZ, that's what I need.

XYZ, calling you right now.

I need XYZ.

Can you join?

I need a young sounding person to act like my bratty ass kid who's getting Santa shit

canceled tonight.

Like, you need to be...

I need...

I had this idea.

I never shared it with you.

It'd be great.

Let me know.

XYZ, check in, please.

All right, everyone.

General Absolution Council.

Thank you for calling the NORAD Track Santa Operations Center.

All of our Santa trackers are currently online with other callers.

Please call back at a later time.

All right, so that's the one that we don't want to hear.

We're going to keep dialing until we don't get that.

Let's do it.

Thank you for calling the NORAD Track Center.

thank you for calling the north this is the airborne uh confirm inbound missiles in the u.s

roger understand major reinhardt we have 12 sea launch ballistic missiles inbound on the u.s now

this is amy how may i help you hey big amy how you doing good i'm good you got some nice snacks

over there of course we do don't forget moderation on that big amy okay yeah i won't remember that

Because you don't want to get fat like you don't fit in your uniform or anything like that

Big Amy

Alright XYZ is checking in ready. I got a green light from XYZ

I'm going to test that.

Wait, wait, wait.

XYZ, don't go anywhere. Hang on. This is my fault.

Can you say something now?

Ooh.

Ooh, we have a technical issue.

Oh, I never connected the cable.

XYZ.

Hang on. Oh, shit.

There's nothing connected.

Whoops.

Hang on. I got to perform surgery over here, guys.

Guys, just a moment, please.

One moment, please.

Cables.

I hate cables.

Cables and cables and cables.

All right, XYZ, say something, please.

Try to.

Yes.

No.

Shit.

All

right say something hey okay now you got an echo probably yeah i hear

an echo but that's okay it should be going away soon yeah no oh yeah no i don't hear it anymore

okay good all right yeah yeah yeah yeah all right all right all right um ready to go so you you're

gonna be my son let's say uh teenage let's say 16 15 and uh you're are you okay being autistic

or is that a blue subject for you uh i i can be i don't know how well i can play that oh you don't

you don't have to i'm just gonna say that you are i don't want you to be okay yeah no you're good

yeah okay all right and then roll with it if you want to and you just got to be a real cunt all

right okay yeah dude i can do that yeah i keep things simpler i'm very lowbrow that's good good

i just woke up so it's perfect for me oh good morning thank you for calling the north

all right check this is george yeah hey george how you doing big guy i'm doing fantastic how

How are you doing?

Oh, not bad, not bad.

Well, can you give me a readiness status on Santa, please?

Santa's current team is he's heading for St. Paul Quebec.

Is he being escorted currently?

Right now, yeah, he is an escort of, let's say, nine.

He has a nine reindeer escort going on.

We have some fighter jets that are ready to intercept if need be,

but Santa is a peaceful ambassador, so we're not expecting any interference.

Well, I don't know.

Well, I mean, it's a very heightened state of alert right now,

and I really don't appreciate the fact that you guys have Santa up there just with reindeer escort right now.

I mean, this is NORAD, and I know, excuse me, I understand that he's in Quebec right now,

but this is NORAD, and that is a combination of Canada and United States airspace, am I correct?

It is, technically, yeah.

So then this is your watch.

You guys are sleeping on the job.

I'm going to put my son on, and he had a question about Santa, okay?

OK, but I'm not happy, not happy.

Yeah. Hello. Hello. Yeah. I'm sorry about my dad.

He's a real lame. Oh, but yeah, I just had this question here.

I just think that, you know, it's kind of, you know, ridiculous that you guys feel like you have the right to track Santa Claus, you know, especially, you know, in the current climate, you know, with what you guys are doing, especially in Eastern Europe and the Middle East.

You know, you're just calling in and, you know, you're tracking Santa Claus, you know, Santa Santa.

And what has he done that you need to be tracking him constantly, you know?

Oh, not much.

He asked us to help us track that way he knows where he's been.

Oh, he asked you?

Was that an official request from the North Pole to do that?

I'm sorry?

Was that an official request from the North Pole that he be tracked?

Is that what he asked for?

Yes, per his request.

Oh, well, could you produce the public document then?

Produce the public document where he asked for that?

I cannot.

not if you want to get this you can't produce it but you're saying that he did it it's public

public affairs about that well you should be able to have some record of it right that you

can produce to prove this right that i personally can no well who up there can i talk to that can

produce this because that's ridiculous you know like santa santa has done nothing wrong and you

guys are going to be tracking his flight you know and you have a whole line dedicated to saying

where he is and all this stuff and that's messed up you know that's this is like cuban communist

stuff right here man yeah definitely this is what they used to do in the soviet union they used to

track all the planes and everything in their airspace and report on it but now you're making

a whole spectacle out of it too it's disgusting you're teaching this to children this is my son

this is my son sir this is what i'm 14 years old okay and i even know this is wrong you know it's

Well, I'm mad at my opinion, to be honest.

He's in cross-country.

He's super fast.

He's autistic, but he's super fast and super focused.

Yeah.

Do you even know what cross-country is?

Yes.

You run long distances?

Yeah.

Yeah, my brother was cross-country.

Well, I'm probably faster than him.

I probably wasn't that great at it.

Yeah, but honestly, what do you have to say for yourself, you know, about this?

This is sick.

Do you mean brother, like Air Force brother, or like, you know, fellow black man?

No, actual blood brother.

Fellow, like fellow black man?

Well, I'm not black.

so i mean no get out really really i thought he was playing oh man what are you a human being

oh whatever here we go i'm american all right well hey you're doing a good job you're feeding

the people all right you got a great night god bless you bless you thank you thank you for your

service for our country no problem my pleasure and a great use of military resources right now

yeah tracking santa claus ridiculous you know there's there's serious things you guys could

could be doing but you're tracking santa claus tracking fake news basically yeah this is what's

happening the trump administration in 2017 can't believe it it's been happening for a long time

before that actually it's the trump administration it's the first year i've ever heard of it

ridiculous you've never heard of norris nash record this is ridiculous 1955 no i don't believe

you you present the proof present the evidence made up evidence is going to present yeah doctored

evidence you guys have a great night okay all right god good night buddy see you night nice

guy nice guy oh what a nice guy yeah i heard lots of clicks and i was like oh yeah like patching in

admirals listening what's going on over here on 28 we've got we've got we've got a guy calling in

thank you for calling the norah track santa hotline radars indicate santa has launched

hi how are you are you an elf i'm actually uh are you retarded or something i'm good hi

Hi. Oh, um, how does Santa

go to take a shit?

On my bed right now.

What the hell is that?

I was trying to scare you there.

Fucking old gunny.

I couldn't understand what you were saying.

They give them

a bunch of free food. They get a lot of donated

food. Thank you for calling the Norad

Tribe. Holy crap.

That's awesome. The one guy last year

was telling me all about it. That's good.

That's good. He said there were some pretty

good looking girls there. Thank you for

for calling the norah cookies and then i crossed the line hello norah track santa this is erin

how can i help you oh hi how are you i'm doing really good how are you um i'm okay you're really

loud as it must be loud in the background there huh oh yeah there's a lot of people here you sound

like you're an air traffic controller bitch woman uh female oh my god i'm sorry i'm sorry please

oh no it's fine okay i do this for a living i've been drinking hey all right so uh my son

on uh gaius he's autistic and he was getting teased today at church at christmas service

because the his name is gaius we're calling him gaius gaius so he he got he got into a fist fight

he's really upset so i wanted him to talk to you about santa um helping him out you know maybe

and hopefully listen if he's rude we're gonna cancel everything all right so i'm gonna put

put him on okay hey gayest get on hello well how are you i'm not doing too good you know i had a

real shit day i don't know what this is gonna do to help me feel better oh well i'm sorry to hear

that where do you live um chesapeake bay chesapeake bay okay so santa is in montreal canada right now

and he's heading to ottawa but he should be there pretty soon it's pretty gay i'm sorry what i said

that's pretty gay hey hey hey hey hey listen listen no no we don't say that okay no i'm just

No, because, no, listen, listen, listen, you little shit.

You were upset that they were calling you gayist, and now you just called Santa gay?

Well, I mean, that's kind of gay, though, don't you think?

Like, that's what they say online.

Wow.

Ma'am, when does Santa do to come to Chesapeake Bay?

So, I don't know when he's supposed to come.

He only knows when he's going to arrive at your house, but it should be really soon.

All right, well, listen, he's not coming here.

I need you to divert him.

No, please.

No, no, no.

Listen, listen, guys.

no no you don't get shit you don't get shit motherfucker you fine fuck you yeah we'll go

yeah whatever go go fucking jerk off fucking pussy bro fuck i hate this kid i don't i don't

want santa here divert them um okay all right put them on put this little shit on the naughty list

gaius baltar okay i'll let him know okay thank you all right honey bye you take care thank you

you for your service have a good night all right bye-bye that was a good one she's just going along

with you oh my god all right i'll i'll take sin off we're diverting him sure yeah please just

don't hit your kid oh my god that's pretty gay well that's all she had to tell me i thought she

was gonna like console me or something about the fight or something like that she didn't care i

I don't even know if she heard half of what was going on.

So loud.

Just, you know, tweeting on her phone, you know,

I'm at Nora.

Oh, my God.

They let me in on my test.

I heard that first one you did.

You said, you know, make sure you don't eat a little too much,

so you got to keep staying in your uniform.

You got to stay in shape.

You got to stay in that uniform.

She's like, ooh, click.

Ooh, she could tell her.

She was smiling when she picked up the phone call,

and then it just slowly turned,

and she hung up and said

I have to take a break

she had to take a break and she went

she raided the snack table

I can't believe what I just heard

this man go

alright anyway

thank you for calling the Nora Tech

what was it you gotta go?

oh no I was just saying if you have any more

I can jump on in and do that

otherwise I gotta figure out

I gotta figure out how to wrap these presents too

oh well wrap your presents

I gotta call Milkman I gotta see where the hell he's at

and he gets real good thanks for doing those way i had an idea a week ago to do those with you we

can do them later uh oh yeah no problem all right all right all right yeah merry christmas hey you

too yeah thank you very much happy xyz xyz show.com everybody all right all right xyz show.com

everybody oh god yeah drinking so much beer tonight now no beer just coke zero all right

dwight's sitting in numbers he's got some complainers nice let's see what this is spectrum

The riders are made of actual trash.

Ooh.

All right.

Let me get a corporate number I can use.

Just a moment, please.

One moment, please.

Hope y'all are having a Merry Christmas tonight.

I've had a lot of anxiety issues, but, uh, the last few weeks, but it felt a little better

today.

You know?

I just felt like, fuck it.

I just felt like, fuck it, dude.

You gotta, you know.

Someone's calling.

Someone stop calling.

All right.

I got the CEO's phone number.

Now, I need a toll-free number.

Thank you for calling. To reach Mark's cell phone, press 1. For his office, press 2 to leave a message.

Uh, hello?

Yes, hi, is that Mark?

Yes, it is.

Hi, this is Cross. I'm calling from Comcast Xfinity Customer Support.

How are you?

Okay, I'm just, you know, working, and unfortunately we received some kind of problem here with your service, it looks like. What's going on?

Yeah, I was having a slow connection.

Was unable to get to Netflix and Amazon for a while.

It's resolved itself.

Okay, all right.

Well, we were throttling you, just to let you know.

Did you want to talk about that?

Oh, why?

Did you want to have a conversation about what you did?

I didn't know I did anything, okay?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah?

Was anyone else there doing the bad thing on the computer that you were doing?

This very naughty thing you did.

I'm not aware of what's going on.

Okay. All right. If you want to be like that, fine. Fine.

I don't want to have to, you know, ask you to not make negative, slanderous comments about our company on the internets.

It's in your terms.

In what way?

It's in your terms, your agreement with us, sir, that you signed digitally.

Your digital signature is on it.

You said that you would not do things of this nature, that you would go on public forums, social media, make negative...

I don't know what you're speaking of.

You made negative and disparaging comments, and you broke the terms of your EULA, of your end-user license agreement with our company.

Hello?

Hello? Yes.

Yes, yes. You broke the terms of your end-user license agreement, your EULA, the terms that you signed up for when you signed up with the service, digital signature that you put on.

Looks like you have a complaint here about your upload speed. I mean, what's the problem here?

Right.

My name is Cross. I'm calling from the corporate office. I'm with the social media crisis response team.

Sure. One moment.

Should my end-user license agreement, was that valid?

Uh, specifically where you would not make slanderous comments?

On social media, public forums?

What's going on here? What are you typing?

I'm making notes.

Okay, well, you know what? I'm going to start making notes, too, as a matter of fact.

Right here. I think it's time to start making some notes here.

Terminations of service notes, perhaps.

Okay, all right.

Okay, all right, yeah.

Spoke to customer Mark at 11.25 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

Mark used racial epithets, refused to cooperate, was asked several times to stop making racist and sexist comments.

Customer Mark began to masturbate while holding the phone, described the act fully, stated he was going to ejaculate on his television, and did so.

Customer Mark admitted that he had smeared the semen on the Xfinity logo on his Motorola HD DVR.

All right, sir. I think I have everything I need.

Did you need your confirmation of this conversation?

Yeah, sure. Confirmation number would be great.

Let me get that here for you.

And I'm sorry I have to do this, sir, but this is a negative report against you.

And if you accumulate three of these in the life of your account with us, you'll be terminated.

That's lovely.

Okay. I've got that confirmation number for you now.

Are you ready, sir? Are you still making notes?

I am.

All right. That's 1-1-2-7- and then today's date, starting with the year,

Here, 2017-12-24.

All right.

That's my copy right here.

I'll put that.

I'll file that now.

I'll put that in my manager's inbox to take care of that.

Okay?

Excellent.

You have a lovely name.

So you have been formally written up here, sir.

You have an opportunity to appeal.

You have an opportunity to apologize right now over the phone.

And we can go over those steps.

Why would I apologize?

What would I apologize for?

I've done nothing that disparages your company.

Well, all the things in the report.

I didn't do any of the things in the report.

Well, you did make slanderous and negative comments about Comcast.

You posted a screenshot.

What were the slanderous things?

You posted a speed test screenshot that put us in a negative light, sir.

Well, that is unfortunate that that's the speed I was receiving.

I have a question for you.

It's a little hard for that to be some slander.

I have a question for you.

Go ahead.

I realize halfway through our conversation,

you decided to put this phone on speakerphone

And when you started typing, is there a specific reason for that?

Yeah.

I wanted to make certain to record you.

Did you ask for permission to record?

This is a two-party state.

I'm in a one-party state, so it doesn't matter.

No, it does matter.

Both parties have to be on the same party level.

The state with the most number of parties in its legislation is the one that it's defaulted to.

And that's been proven in three court cases, sir, all the way up to the federal level.

That's very nice.

I'm talking appellate courts, sir, have proven that, sir.

I'm going to have to write you up again.

Oh, I feel so terrible.

I need to ask you to go ahead and destroy all copies of this recording immediately.

No.

Well, then you're breaking the law, sir.

Okay.

How do you plead, guilty or not guilty?

You're very funny.

How do you plead, guilty or not guilty, sir?

You're very funny.

All right.

I can drop everything if I can get you recorded to say the word authorize.

No, you can go fuck yourself.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, language.

Okay.

I haven't used

any cursing words with you

at all tonight.

There's no need for that.

No, but you are a scammer

who's trying to play around.

Okay.

You got me.

I feel very terrible for yourself.

You got me.

You got me. This usually works.

Oh, boy.

That was factor.

Oh, God. Okay.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, shucks.

You too.

Have a good night, man.

Bye-bye.

Bye, Mark.

Jesus fucking dork.

Ugh.

Hysterical screams coming from mothers that bury their kings

Or do you bear up with pain of watching a woman

And a number they no longer care about their name

Pick up the phone, milkman

Pick up the phone

Hello?

Hey!

Hello?

Hey, you there, yeah!

I was on a long prank call

Hey, Bicho, how you doing?

what kind of marijuana did you get tell me what'd you get what'd you get what'd you get

uh and you're driving very good yeah i'm driving oh wow oh shit oh wow now you're driving and

you're working christmas hey man i lost my life yes very good i remember that movie

listen um you're working tonight what's going on no i'm on my way home

Oh, what happens is normally my pool right tree

No, but tonight for whatever reason they're from them

He put up a new place dude on the others to a car all this dude needs back in basically the same place

It's a super center. It's the super center with better our flagship store

Yeah, it cost a little bit more dude the other plan they had it anyway, dude the next place to go

But I had to do the initiation to me. You got a failure. I'd show you a dick so they know you're not a cop

I need to look at my couple chicks in there that, you know.

Anyway, you got to be shit placey.

Right.

New time guy in there and showing your dick right away.

Hey, man, listen to me.

Okay, honey.

Is that how it works?

Hey, man, I want to see your dick.

What did you say?

No, dude, I'm going by your policy, dude.

It's your idea.

I don't normally show my dick when I go into the fucking dispensary.

Hey, man, let's see your dick.

I'm like trying to figure out how that works.

Trying to use your theory.

Oh, I got to hear that again.

Echo, play a madhouse prank call radio on TV.

This place is ranked, okay, and there's no hope.

Madhouse prank call radio from tuning.

Flagship store.

Yeah, it costs a little bit more.

You gotta play one play on it by medical.

Anyway, dude, the next place to go, but I had to go through initiation.

You gotta fucking show your dick so they know you're not a cop.

They looked at my dick.

A couple chicks in there that, you know.

Anyway, you gotta be sick.

Right.

New time guy in there and then walk right in there.

Stop.

Stop it.

Hello?

Okay.

man i don't know if did i got to play i played you again saying hey man let's see your dick well

why would they say that why would guys after is it normally what happens with you like you're in

a place and after everyone gets to know you a few times they're like hey let's see your dick

that's i gotta move to california that's great yeah yeah man uh we don't show dicks

that's what I thought

I bet on you

okay

I'm a new guy man

I don't want to get

thrown out the bank man

give me a second

dude I'm telling you

you would fucking trip

remember I told you

the old place

they had them all

the big things in Mason

what

they had so many

fucking buds

in fucking Mason

and they had

okay you know like

a she-hawk bomb

you know what I'm talking about

it comes in like a bottle

you know what I'm talking about

yeah

they had a whole

container full

blueberries

and

but the size of a

mason jar though

like a mayonnaise can

maybe a couple

it's about half size of a coke can

alright alright

nice man nice

dude I was f***ing my ass

normally they just do a little

baby ass you know

you get it right off the bat

totally alright look I'm looking for

United

we have a United Airlines complainer

so let's try to get his number

see if we can find like a local E1 but I probably won't

we'll go with a toll free one

fuck yeah that's what I'm talking about

yeah

i'm right uh i think i've tried the 80 stuff yeah yeah that's

It's crazy, dude.

I mean, is it an oil still?

Is it a suspension?

Or what is it?

It's powder, dude.

It's powder.

A powder?

Yeah, it's wax, man, or wax or something like that.

Like a wax powder?

I've seen it, dude.

Yeah, it's just almost 99% pure THC, but they recommend you, like, smoke it with something

else, you know, like a wax or something, so that way it's got some taste and stuff.

Okay, cool.

Your call cannot be completed as dialed.

I didn't afford it.

I didn't want to buy your head out of it.

Do they do samples there?

Do they ever do like, hey, we're going to...

Yeah, I can buy one.

Yeah, you can buy them.

They're like father-in-laws.

You can try anything in the cab.

Okay, that's cool.

That's cool.

And are you allowed to do your medicating there?

To an automatic voice message.

Oh, yeah, dude.

They got a brand new...

It's perfect height.

You see, it's all brand new fucking rigs.

It's blameless.

Uh-huh.

It's got electric nails on them.

You can control the temperature.

The call has been forwarded to an automatic...

Cleaning stations on every one of them.

Water, you know, paper, ice water, hot water, whatever you want, dude.

It's all there, man.

And they don't fucking fuck with you, dude.

They just keep on letting you hit and hit and hit.

Jeez.

Yeah, dude, they got everything, man.

You just get your tools or, you know, I used to bring my own with me.

But this is a new place, right?

You know, initiation.

And it's like that at every place you go to?

Like, if you decide to go somewhere else, you have to go through a whole initiation?

Did you have to pay a fee, a new fee to them?

Or no?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, like I said, this one here is a little bit higher.

This one here was $10, and then $5 a month after that.

My other place is, I think I paid one time.

Or no, I didn't have to pay one time because I used my medical.

My medical, because I didn't have it.

But this place is not using them.

I have other weird shit, too.

Oh, fuck, this is hilarious.

This in here don't take cash.

No?

You got to go.

This is tripping me out.

You got to take your money and go to the other window once you decide what you want

and get monopoly tokens, dude.

You're kidding.

Word of fucking God, dude.

That's how they got around it.

They had to be fucking monopoly tokens for my money.

I took the fucking monopoly tokens

and I walked over to get...

So they're laundering their own money?

No, no, no, no.

That way they're getting around selling weed, dude,

or any of that shit, right?

You know, the dispensary and all that kind of...

You know, all that kind of...

That's like a different angle, right?

You're not buying weed.

You're fucking buying tokens.

okay okay i hear you that's fucking smart i never fucking heard of this shit i laughed

myself dude yeah but everyone else takes cash what's the big deal if everyone else is taking

cash what are you getting from that no no no dude no there's a problem is that you can't like

out here man like they fuck with you and shit about cash you know you can't use a bank and

all that shit like i don't know dude anyway whatever they said that i said this is what

you gotta do to fucking eat the pigs from fucking with me whatever i bought monopoly

Hopefully, dude, it works, man, because same shit I always get, man.

Gotcha.

You're just exchanging tokens.

That's all you're doing, dude.

Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, we're talking with Milkman, co-host of the show,

Medical Marijuana Patient and Proponent in California.

That's what you were just listening to.

And there you are.

We have now legal records.

So, like, literally, dude, like, if someone has, dude, I can take you over there.

You show them your ID, show them your age, you know?

Yep.

You don't have to have a medical card now.

Now, like, normally, before, I'd have to have to get up with a medical card to take in, so I couldn't have done that.

Is it 18 or 21?

21?

I don't remember, dude.

I think it's 21.

I'm too old to remember, man.

Yeah, you're an old man.

Yeah, you're an old fuck.

I don't look at age anymore, dude.

When I see them buttons, whatever the number is, I'm always a button.

Understood.

I'm 87 years old, buddy.

All right, just a moment.

We got a prank call here.

Let's try this.

your call has been automated damn it your call has been forwarded to an oh shit another one

we're having a little trouble with the numbers yeah they're not hitting off very well tonight

oh okay i noticed that man okay what about like uh what about like some of the other ones we used

to call like hawaii or one of those places yeah i i was i did some hawaii calls and uh

They were all right, and they called NORAD.

That went okay.

Oh, I missed it?

I'll call again.

Don't worry.

I'll call now.

Oh, okay.

They were just closing in Hawaii.

Call them anyway.

All the stores were closing in Hawaii when I called.

Shit, I don't know.

What about California?

No, we can call restaurants.

We've got stuff to do.

Don't worry.

We're good.

Nunu's had some ideas.

Is Nunu still alive, man?

He's still alive?

Yeah, sure.

Of course he is, man.

I never die.

I heard he was in the old folks' home, man.

Remember we seen him on the camera?

You think that was him?

The wheelchair with the Santa hat on?

Yeah, that old dude, man.

Remember we saw him, dude?

I thought he passed away, man.

You know I got that prank call loaded for tonight.

So we are going to have that.

Actually, that's awesome you mentioned that, dude.

That's really cool.

I can't believe it, man.

Man, wow, man, we're going to have one that celebrates Nini's passion.

Remember the old days when Nini was still...

Yep, before he died.

Now he's just some bot, right?

Basically.

Your call cannot be completed as dialed.

I forgot the country code.

Your note's available now.

Please leave your...

I'll try again.

P-714.

See, I'd heard that whenever that BT whatever 1-4 or whatever picked up,

up that that meant that uh it was like a privacy director thing because your caller id wasn't

legit it wasn't going to let it go through i tested that theory and it worked and actually

it looked like to be true i changed the caller id to a british one when that happened once and

as soon as i changed the caller id to a british one that one time it uh it started going through

i guess they've had to come up with more stringent measures as the uh as the uh english and british

numbers became more in vogue british invasion wonder what wonder who cracked that nut

kdk wonder who started calling all those guys kdk kdk of course dude not so much dude we did

paid for most of that shit kdk didn't use new british that was something we got one here in

particular won't ring i'm about to drop this one i would love to mess with hotel rooms

milkman don't worry dude we got i got tons of stuff i can do i'm just burning through stuff

i want to i want to do a late show tonight i got a lot of i got i got a good number a bit of soda

i got energy drinks here i've got my medication for my diabetes here and everything all right i'm

here we're good we're in man my favorite part of the show is when the phone rings so there you go

okay you want to know what we had right yes okay the inventory okay tonight we got uh green

mean sauce okay sugar sauce terp sauce high nug run shatter okay the loop nug run

tangy nug run okay so terp sauce and shatter yep nug run nug run nug run whatever that is okay

nug run means that they actually took fucking killer nug and then they made the shatter from

that not just the fucking like family shatter from family okay so they go for much more yeah

Man, it's just nuts.

Instead of making them nuts and smoking them or whatever, dude, they extracted nuts.

That's what they call nug runs.

The nug.

All right.

The nug.

That's shit right there.

Because that's top quality, right?

You can have a lot.

See, what a lot of people do is on the lower quality ones, they do a lot of shapes, a lot

of the leaves, not very much the nuts.

The nug usually is sold as flour, you know?

Right, right, right.

Right.

So then what you get in most of the lower cross shatters is you get a lot of the leaves.

I mean, high quality, but still.

No grunts, everybody.

So, the internationals stopped working, but Eva, here is a Waffle House.

Thank you for calling Waffle House.

Hi, how you doing?

Hey, how you doing?

I said.

Oh, good.

I want to make an order.

What can I get for you?

One meat.

What kind of meat?

Like pig meat, pork.

You want bacon, ham, sausage, chicken.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, pick it.

A pig.

It's got to be pork.

you know well i know chicken now i was just naming like no no chicken no chicken they'll

be ignorant um let's see okay how about one eggs then what kind of meat do you want uh pig meat

well you got sausage there you get some sausage bologna i have sausage i have bacon i have ham

you have bologna no we don't have bologna okay oh i'll take sausage then okay one

And how do you want your egg?

One egg cooked.

Cooked egg.

How do you want the egg?

I want you to cook the egg.

That's how I want it.

I know, but do you want it scrambled?

Do you want it over medium?

Do you want it over well?

Do you want it over light?

Do you want it over heat?

Sir, I really don't have time to play with you right now.

Well, it's over heat.

That's how it goes.

That's how the eggs go, over heat.

I can't.

You can.

Hello?

We can do this together.

Hello?

Hello, is this a different person?

Yes, it is.

Oh, hi, honey.

I'd like to make an order, please.

Okay, what are you trying to get?

All right, one eggs.

Repeat that?

One eggs.

And what else?

One order of eggs.

Yeah.

And what else?

I don't know.

You tell me.

This is Wap House.

This is Ryan.

How can I help you?

Listen, you put oil down on the surface, okay?

Like an oil spray.

And then you crack the egg.

You take the eggs' insides out of the shell.

You break it.

Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, okay.

And then you put it on where the spray, where you spray it on the hot surface?

Oh, that.

That's heat.

That's how you make it hot.

Oh, that's heat?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Because the heat comes from the hot surface.

Thank you for teaching me.

Yeah, and hot burn, hot burn, okay?

Water good, fire bad, hot bad, water good, cold water good.

Okay, very good.

Hot water bad, hot water burn.

It's like rain manners.

yeah hot water bird baby hot water bird baby i almost said that but i figured that would give

it away well as if it mattered at that point anyway it didn't matter calling your local

waffle house thank you your call is very important to us but we are currently assisting other

customers please call back shortly our bullshit that means we're taking an order they need to

hang the fuck on we need heat now thank you for calling your local waffle house

Oh, fucking, fucking.

I'm going to call your manager.

Let's get the manager on the phone here, Armando.

How dare they?

Yeah.

We want heat.

Hell, they expect, man, this time of year we need heat.

What do you mean?

Ice?

Fucking crazy.

Not heat.

Wild House 34, this is Veet.

How can I help you?

Hey, how you doing, Veetro?

Veetra.

Hello?

Yeah, let's make an order, please.

All right.

Thank you.

I want to make an order, please.

All right.

I'd like one eggs.

One eggs.

Eggs.

One eggs.

i would like it cooked how would you like it cooked with heat overheat would you like it

scrambled no no no nothing like that no no overheat so what you uh you know egg you take egg egg and

you have a hot surface okay and you you have a can and you spray on there the oil the lubricant

okay so i and just make sure that you understand that hot bad hot burn okay cold good wow water

good fire bad and hot hot bad hot burn okay bad but also remember hot water uh burn also so cold

water good hot water bad okay you shouldn't be running hot water if unless uh manager is there

okay okay so one eggs cooked with heat overheat okay and then i need i also like an order of the

hashed browns okay okay did you i like i like i'm doubled doubled smothered covered diced

chopped flipped salted divided divided conquered conquered conquered conquered as in divided and

conquered avenged recombined and that's it that's it okay well can i get you yes can i have the

shells for my dog i'd like the shells for my dog please okay if you could save those i like to okay

all right and uh i will is it possible that you can put that in like a bag in a bag yeah bag to go

okay all right can i get a total please thank you and thank you for that calling your local

a waffle house man so yeah uh milkman waffle houses are open isn't that great yeah man did

you did you order pork too shit i forgot damn i said pork but i don't think you heard me no i

didn't no i was sick in another kind of pork and i'm just not in the mood for that right now

yeah yeah yeah right we got that uh how about we check in with our friends at norad

i'm glad we didn't have to show them your dick or anything to get in the fucking ticket order damn

Well, they just, they want to make sure they don't think that you're a cop.

That's what that was all about.

That whole thing was about that.

That's all.

Aw.

You know?

I guess because cops have their dicks hanging out their shirt collars so they'd already know you're a cop.

Right.

Exactly.

You couldn't show them your dick because they'd be looking at it when they talked to you, right?

Yeah.

See, so.

Thank you for calling the NORAD Trek Santa hotline.

Radars indicate Santa has launched off from the North Pole.

A NORAD Santa tracker will be with you in a moment.

You may want to visit us online for exciting Santa updates at www.NoradSanta.org.

We're calling the NoradTrack Santa hotline.

Radars indicate Santa has launched off from the North Pole.

The Norad Santa Tracker will be with you in a moment.

You may want to visit us online for exciting Santa updates at www.NoradSanta.org.

You're going to be Santa Claus.

NoradTracking Santa, this is Mike the Elf.

Hey, Big Mike, how you doing?

Good, how you been?

Well, I've got a bit of a problem here.

Uh-oh.

I'm talking to Santa.

He's here with me right now.

And he's been drinking.

Oh, Christmas.

Am I on course here still?

They hung up.

He's like, fuck this.

I'm volunteering.

Fuck this.

This is my volunteer time.

I've got to deal with this shit.

I think that was fun.

Okay.

Calling the Nora Trek Santa hotline.

Radars indicate Santa has launched off from the North Pole.

A NORAD Santa tracker will be with you in a moment.

You may want to visit us online for exciting Santa updates at www.NORADSanta.org.

Hello, NORAD Track Santa. This is Emily. How may I help you?

Hi, Big Emily. How are you?

I'm doing well, thank you. How can I help?

Um, okay.

Just, I was just here thinking out of the box.

When does Santa go over the Korean Peninsula?

hold on so santa was last seen in belize city belize he's currently heading for honduras

oh man that's where we have his location currently that's a bad location that's a bad area huh

uh santa's making really good time he's having a great flight yeah i know but i mean that's a

bad area though i mean does he got coverage at all uh he's doing great and he seems to be very

happy right now so he's having a good time was there an escort right now at all uh sorry does

Does he have an escort?

He does not currently have an escort, no.

Come on, really?

No, he's doing fine now.

He's making really good time.

Do we have any intel on the ground at all as to what the situation is down there in the operating theater?

No, he's just doing well.

His flight is on time.

He's had no delays so far.

So, yeah, he's currently heading for El Salvador in 55 seconds.

You have an interesting accent.

You sound like downtown Julie Brown.

are you like british or something are you like a liaison are you like mandrake and dr strangelove

uh no thank you so much for calling have a happy holiday bye mandrake bye bye i love dr who they

seem very busy there i love dr who where the fuck is she from why is she talking like that

mandrake oh god that's probably one of my that's probably my favorite movie of all time

it's dr strangelove and i'm not that we need to get tuck if you want to talk that stuff because

I don't know.

I don't know that.

No, Clay Hodges is who I was talking about.

Did you see that he got a book about that?

The retardus?

No, he painted it in a book.

Thank you for calling the Norad Trek Santa hotline.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Radars indicate Santa has launched off from the North Pole.

Oh, my goodness.

A Norad Santa tracker will be with you in a moment.

You may want to visit us online for exciting Santa updates at www.noradsanta.org.

MST3 Clay, big time.

Hello, Norad Trek Santa.

This is Master Sergeant Watrous.

How can I help you?

Who's this, Master Sergeant?

Yes, Master Sergeant Watrous.

Master Sergeant Mattress.

Okay, thank you.

I had a question.

I was just thinking out of the box.

At what point does Santa go over the Korean Peninsula?

He's already gone over the Korean Peninsula.

They are on the other side of the world, yeah.

Fuck.

Yeah, he's already been over there.

Well, can we redirect him?

Unfortunately not.

He's over in Honduras right now.

Unfortunately, we don't get to control his movement.

I mean, does he have a fighter escort right now?

Currently, I do not believe so.

He is not in North American airspace.

He is in Central America right now.

And they're not providing fighter escort at all?

No one down there is?

I do not believe so.

I don't see, but he may be.

But we don't get to see everything on the radar series.

Let's be honest.

What would they have up there?

Like some kind of bullshit.

You know what I mean?

Like some kind of old-ass make or something.

Probably, yeah.

Yeah, it'd probably just get in the way, you know?

Yeah, because it's garbage.

So, I mean, because I was thinking that, because I know the wife got me a bowling ball,

so I figured Santa could drop it on North Korea, you know.

I mean, on someone down there.

Yeah, it's already daytime over there.

Did he go to North Korea?

Santa goes pretty much wherever.

It's all around the world.

So there's North Korea.

All right, well, okay, wait a minute now.

So where's the conspiracy here?

Because in North Korea, there's a bunch of concentration camps,

and there's children in there.

There's poor, starving children that are being abused.

He goes wherever kids believe in Santa.

Oh, I see.

So they don't believe in Santa there, I guess.

So I do have some other phone calls.

Couldn't he use that opportunity to go there and get some of them out, you know?

Santa is not political, so...

But he's not for children either?

I mean, these are starving children.

Sir, I'm going to have to let you go there.

Whatever.

Okay, whatever, dude.

You're a bullshit nuclear deterrent.

You're a bullshit.

Trump sucks.

Yeah, bye.

like masters

I'm calling them out on their bullshit

why can't Santa help out those kids

and where was Spiderman during 9-11

he's gonna go dead right

once he empties out them fucking bags

there ain't nothing in there

you throw a couple of them little fucking munchkins in there

say hey man help me load up some presents

and get your ass out of here right

yeah putting them right to work

they're like cool man you got a candy cane

yeah man get in bitch let's go

yeah man come on bitch let's go

that's what he'd say to Santa

go on bitch let's go

he's drinking whiskey the whole time

we're gonna save every kid in North Korea

let's go motherfuckers

toys

I think the kids in America

can go without their

whatever the hot shit is this year

and Santa can save

the fucking horsey cat

and they try to make it the unicat

or something gay ass bullshit

shit and they stole the horsey cat dude we have to fucking find out who the hell stole our idea

that was the catacorn yeah the cataract that's it the cataract great oh boy that was fun

what the fuck's earning when we need that motherfucker shit

oh man uh let's see what's next uh another waffle house we can do some more of that shit

Hey, have you heard from Jen Stewart, man?

I need a cab.

No, I didn't, you know?

I did not hear from him.

No.

My brother, Jen Bobbe, Merry Holidays.

Happy Holidays and Happy New Holidays, he says.

Okay, there you go.

Happy Holidays sauce, man, whatever.

Happy Holidays.

Whichever one works for you.

If it's Christmas or fucking Baikonzer or whatever, I don't give a shit, dude.

Whatever one, Merry Happy Holidays, whatever.

Ramadan whatever I don't give a shit anybody happy happy whatever whatever

makes you happy right dude man like you don't have to fucking hate every damn

day of the year okay let's all like chill a little bit all right just a

moment big ham see I got fucking enough ham here for you and my family buddy

both of us and that includes me and you eating at the fucking table fuck thank you very much

hey how you doing Maga I'd like to make an order please I'd like to make an

order please one second i'll be right with you all right all right i need uh one hashed browns

i like that i like them doubled covered sir yes yes covered smothered all right diced all right

salted salted yes all right peppered uh divided divided sir yes insulted all right divided

Divided and insulted.

Yes.

Also, do we have the pork chop there?

The pork chop sandwich?

Yes, sir.

All right.

I want my pork chop fried hard and shit.

All right.

Yeah, then I need one eggs.

One eggs?

Eggs.

One eggs.

All right.

How would you like it?

Cooked.

All right.

How would you like it cooked?

With heat.

Use heat.

Use some heat.

Put it on heat.

Okay, bye.

No, no, no.

There, that did it.

yeah we lost the motherfucker dude you believe that shit you believe that shit

level professional of them out there professionalism just down there that's

so we're blessed to have donald trump donald j trump in office man

uh i don't know what's going on we've been on for about two hours now going on going on two

hours here i think we're gonna take a break milkman uh uh uh and no um let's do some more before

we do that let's do some more let's do some more yeah how you doing yeah uh uh this is the casino

or what's going on here the bridger in hotel this is not the casino then oh shit where's the golden

nugget at like across the street and shit or yeah yeah yeah i is a good casino gold nugget yeah

Yeah, yeah, all right, and then you're the inn, you're in the hotel, you're there, the inn hotel?

The bridge you're in.

The bridge you're in, and you're right next to the machine, the golden nugget?

Yeah.

Yeah, okay, and how safe is your hotel?

All right, because listen, what happened was I've been drinking here, and I'm at the casino now,

and I shit my pants, so I need a place to go to wash my pants.

Do you have a laundry machine there I can use?

Nope.

But I can use a sink then, right?

Well, I need to wash.

I need to wash the pants.

I got shit in my pants

Alright so I'm gonna come

And you're not gonna know who I am

And I'm gonna wash the shit out of my pants

In the room

And you're not gonna know who the fuck I am

How much

How much it costs

$4,000 a night

Oh fucking gay

Alright listen if you find out who I am when I come in

I'll kick your fucking ass

Fuck you come down

I'm right here

Oh such a nice

Alright, do you like to kiss?

Do you like frotting?

Bring it on.

Frotting, frotting, frotting, frotting.

Fuck your dad.

Frotting.

I don't want to fight.

I want to frot.

Look it up right now.

You have a computer?

You have a phone?

I have lost interest in this phone call.

What's your Snapchat?

Huh?

It's a number.

Give me.

I want your Snapchat.

I want to show you my muscles.

How about no?

I want to show you my pecs.

I have nice pecs for my muscles.

Alright, bye honey.

I can't wait to see you.

I can't wait.

I hope you know it's me, honey.

All right.

What was your name?

Yes.

Okay.

Thanks.

What?

I'll see you there.

Bye.

What?

Huh?

What?

Huh?

And the boy in the hotel.

I can't wait to have my hands all over you tonight when I come home.

I'm going to have my hands all over your macadamia nuts, if you know what I mean.

I have them all over.

Hey, Yolanda.

It's Yolanda.

How my director called.

Hey, Yolanda.

Amanda, I have the Bridger Inn Hotel here on the line.

You know them?

They're right next door.

Bridger Inn?

Yeah.

That next door to our hotel.

Well, they're close.

They're close, you know?

Okay.

Yeah, there's a boy there.

He works there.

He's sweet on you.

His name is what?

He likes you.

He's really nervous, but he wants you to know he likes you.

He likes Latina women, you know?

Because he said they're spicy, he says.

All right.

Hello.

Okay.

All right, so I'm in the casino right now, and I shit my pants.

I poop my pants.

Excuse me.

Do you sell pants here?

Yes, we do in our style and trend shop.

All right, well, I'm big and tall, so you need to have, like, you need to go up to the 50s, you know?

I'll connect you with them so that they can go over the sizes with you.

All right, we'll go over your breast size and all that when I'm done.

I'll come back.

I'll have them transferred back to Yolanda, all right?

Serving dinner nightly, Lily's Asian Cuisine is located in...

That was fast.

...daily at 11.38 a.m.

God damn, it's taking a long time.

Fuckin', I just need a pair of pants.

I just need a pair of pants, man.

Oh, no.

Where is he?

Oh, no, no.

Hello?

Hey, guys, come on, talk, please.

You boys need to say something if you're going to be on the phone.

Hello?

I know you're listening.

I hear you over there.

I hear your mouth noises.

I don't know what you guys are making out.

He answered earlier.

Fuck.

Your call cannot be completed.

There we go, adding ones when I don't need to.

Reach firewoodhl.com.

Bitches.

Is that first guy still on there masturbating and listening?

Yeah, yeah, they're still on there masturbating and listening.

Bunch of bitches they are.

Hey, you guys still have anything to say for yourselves, the way you're acting?

Huh?

One guy was using penis lane.

Dirty monkeys.

You've reached firewoodatl.com.

That's right. We'll leave the light on, buddy.

Oh, yeah. We're definitely going to do some of them calls, too.

Speaking of hotels, hey, boys?

You guys can stay on. You can hear us call many hotels.

Many, many hotels.

We've got some mail.

Sounds like this guy here.

I got some mail-for-mail ads here.

This is right up these guys' alley here at the Bridger Inn Hotel.

Your call cannot be completed as...

There I go, putting another one in.

Homosexual.

Homosexual hotel in the neighborhood.

No, it's okay to be like that.

We have a daughter.

Yeah, I saw you make an order in the Craigslist for the homies looking for like-minded men.

Looking for what, Neville?

For like-minded men.

Okay.

My name is Smiley.

Hello, Smiley.

How are you?

Oh, I like Flock.

You know, I like Flock.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Cool.

What is it supposed to be like that?

Do you like Flock?

Of course I do.

yeah all right what kind of fuck you like kind of uh get you off and have a good time sometimes i

bite when i really i start biting oh yeah like a dog i black out oh my goodness yeah i black out

and i start biting and punching like that but you can just you can control me if you just say hey

you go like this mommy's here all right mama's here like that i'll i'll i calm down um i don't

don't think i want to say mama's here well i mean i didn't have a good relationship with my dad which

is the reason why this all happens okay all right uh do you like poppers no he's gone he's gone he's

gone he's gone hey bridger in how you guys doing there come on man interact with us come on be our

be friends please please we want friends we like friends you're outside listening you're not even

been working come on be friends and talk i hear motorcycle come on man all right all right guys

i gotta let you go because i have to take a break all right maybe one more give you a chance to talk

come on guys come on you boys can talk it would be great to hear from you guys you really would

love it you know all right they're just gonna be a little it'll be a little nervous okay that's

fine now we're just gonna take that break bye guys all right milkman i'm gonna take that break

uh i got a little blood sugar i need to go eat some i don't know vitamins and shit you know how

that is right yeah but they have a dude yeah man when we come back we got more numbers we've got

more waffle houses we're going to try calling norad a few more times big turbo machine has

sent in more mail for morel ads he also sent in a number for cern big cern yeah all right

we got more twitter complainers from big dwight mcclanahan the baloney master himself uh we got

We got tons of stuff we can do.

Milkman, don't worry, man.

We're just having a good night.

We're only halfway through.

If we keep up this way, man, we'll probably be going on until, like, I don't know,

until the fucking sun comes up.

Yeah, motherfucker, yeah.

All right, I'll be right back in, give me, like, 10.

A good 10, 11, 12, 13, whatever, you know.

All right, Milkman, be quiet.

See you, bro.

Listening to Just Drink Call Nation.

The FBI will be back right after this.

You know what? I hope that when you die, they put your GPS in your box and a trapdoor at the bottom.

So when you die, you open that trapdoor at the bottom, check the GPS, and you go straight down.

Bad House Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

Drunk, pervert, motherfucker.

Hijo de tu pinche reputa madre, maricón, cabrón de mierda.

Milkman, the biggest wish is done.

I'm sorry that break took so long, guys.

I made popcorn, and I warmed up some leftovers, and I ate them all.

Oh, yeah.

It was so good.

All right.

I got more numbers from Dwight also.

Milkman, are you there?

Should I call you back?

I don't hear you, sir.

You

Unmute yourself

Bookman

Uh oh

Let me try to redial them

Ended by remote

He hung up

Please leave your message for 415

Don't give that out

That'd be bad

hey there you are i was getting silenced sorry i took so long for the break sorry my bad

did you get all better now what's that did you get all better did you get your kisses in

you get your dab done no yeah i'm good i just got popcorn popcorn

Popcorn, yum, yum, yum.

Oh, that's what you kids call it, popcorn.

Yeah, that's what we call it, popcorn.

Yeah, all right, it's corn pop.

Yeah.

I'm going to take a look, see what numbers they got popping.

A whole bunch of them.

All right, let's go green crack here.

Well, let me check on Norad again.

Always fun.

Tanner!

Sears?

You think Sears will survive this holiday season?

I don't know how their sales were this year.

Hello?

Yeah, because...

This is Jerry.

How may I help you?

Hi, Jerry.

Hi.

Is Santa calling?

Well, it depends.

Where are you located?

I'm, uh...

You know where?

What state are you in?

United States.

United States?

Mm-hmm.

Well, Santa right now is in Chicago, Illinois.

Oh, shit.

He's where?

Yes, he's there in Chicago.

Is he in the south side?

I'm sorry?

We're in Chicago.

If he's in the south side of Chicago, he needs an escort.

Oh, no.

He has an escort already.

Who you got escorting him?

He does not travel alone.

Did he leave Cleveland Center yet?

I'm sorry?

Did he leave Cleveland Center yet?

No, he has not.

What are you eating over there?

You got any food?

No.

I thought they gave you guys food and snacks and drinks.

They probably did earlier.

year what happened my shift has started oh and you're volunteering you're a volunteer right you're

a volunteer elf yes oh okay are you in uh mount weather no where are you no we are in colorado

springs colorado colorado springs okay okay okay all right and um how do the phone the phones ring

like like that right like in the 80s still yeah i think and you can probably hear them in the

background yeah are they really old phones or they just keep the ringtone like that no they're

their regular phones and they just keep ringing we have to keep our calls short

oh are you trying to say something oh wow how rude i'm sorry how nasty how rude you have an

action you're volunteering and you have to keep a little handle time i'm sorry you're volunteering

and they're like screwing you like so you got to have a little handle time and all this and that

no they just ask that we keep our phone calls short because there's a lot of people that are

calling in um you want to maybe go get some macadamia nut uh cookies or something no thank

Thank you.

Okay.

Yeah.

Merry Christmas.

You want to, uh, I will, I would love for you to have your hands on my macadamians.

I'm sexually harassing.

Ooh.

Funny, but I have to go now.

Okay.

Hey, cool.

You're like that Air Force chick that the other guys get the fuck.

All right.

You're a party chick.

All right.

I love you.

Bye.

Okay.

Bye, Jack.

I had, I had to get the popcorn away from me cause I was just going to start the whole

show all right oh god no one wants to hear that shit i get mad when i hear shows and people are

sitting there like blight does it all the time it's always merry christmas all right track santa

sir we just received a message from the sack underground command post putting all the sack

force crews in their aircraft with their engines started this is major wetmore hey how you doing

major i'm doing great okay uh what's your confidence level what's that what's your

your confidence level rating oh my confidence is high tonight my name is cross what's that

my name is cross cross nice to meet you good good good where do you live uh in the united states

whereabouts uh i mean like a state uh why well you called the track and santa hotline so i'm

I'm just wondering if I can give you some turn-by-turn where he's going to be.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm in Arizona.

When's he coming here?

Well, right now he's in Wisconsin, so he should be in Arizona in the next hour or two.

Yeah, I'm a cuckold.

Do you know what that is?

What's that?

Do you know what cuckold is?

No, not familiar with that.

It's a man that gets pleasure from watching his wife with other men.

Oh, well, that's something I'm not familiar with.

You think maybe he'll come fuck my wife for me?

Well, I'm going to go ahead and let you go.

No, you guys have America.

No, you fuck.

I want, I need, we need good sperms.

Oh.

Oh, whoa, whoa, buddy.

Oh, wow.

Hey, am I on track?

Captain, Captain, what's for 1020?

He's going to give me turn by turn.

Yeah, hi.

How does Santa evacuate?

Evacuate?

Yes.

Um, I'm guessing sag, and then he'll just bow and just slow down.

Oh, no, I mean like to pass his bowels.

Sorry, what?

What if he had to go pee-pee or poo-poo while he's, you know, he's going to have to, right?

Because he's up there 24 hours.

Oh, yeah.

He just pulls out his little penis.

Yeah, he might.

And then he just does a little pee-pee right there.

Okay, well, that would explain what happened to my cousin here who was dressed up as Santa

and he actually had to do something like that.

I had to eat the yellow snow.

Yeah.

Does Santa have good sperms?

No, I didn't.

Can you look into that?

Huh?

Can you look into that for me?

Uh, I don't think I can.

That's why they have down pills.

How many?

Uh, no, nothing.

Oh.

No, it's, yeah.

Yeah, so what kind of food they got there for you?

What kind of food they got there for you?

You got some macadamia nuts?

Uh-huh.

Oh, they didn't get you cookies or anything?

Uh-huh.

No cookie?

Okay, I thought they had, like, snacks for people to eat and all that.

No?

Nothing?

Nothing.

Uh, how is the vending machine there?

Is it good?

Yeah.

Are they good?

I don't see any.

You don't have any vending machines there?

Shit.

But what if you want a snack?

I don't know.

I get it.

And so where are you from?

Me?

Yeah.

Colorado.

But, I mean, that's where you're down.

But, I mean, where are you from originally?

Like, remember how I told you I'm from Arizona?

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, where are you from?

Oh, out.

Georgia.

Oh, you're a Georgia boy, huh?

Oh, wow.

Cool, cool.

Where, like, Athens, Atlanta, Savannah.

Oh, yeah.

I knew this girl named Savannah.

and i and i asked her once how the weather was in savannah and she didn't know and i said it was

musky all right be sure to use that one when you call homes talk to mom all right all right okay

all right all right hey thank you for your service to our country how big a boy are you

how big a boy are you how big am i yeah all right you know i will too all right okay hey hey and you

You know what?

This entire time, your wife is at home with Jody, okay?

Huh?

Your wife is at home with Jody this entire time that you're sitting there volunteering.

Joke's on.

I'm only 17.

Well, your girlfriend's with Jody.

I don't have a girlfriend either.

Ah, your boyfriend then.

I don't have a boyfriend.

Oh, what's wrong?

Why?

What's wrong, virgin?

What happened?

How do you know?

Are you virgin?

School, soccer.

Huh?

Are you virgin?

School and soccer.

All right.

All right, kid.

I'm not supposed to prank you for 17, so behave yourself, okay?

All right.

What are you, like an ROTC or something?

No.

No?

Now, how did you get into freaking over there with the phones that go...

How did you pull that off?

Are you a Boy Scout or something?

No, I'm with my dad.

You're with your dad?

He brought you there.

Okay.

All right.

Do you believe in Santa?

Do I believe in Santa?

Uh-huh.

Of course.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

What's Santa going to bring you?

A Nintendo Switch?

I don't know.

Maybe if you were good.

Were you good this year?

I don't think so.

Okay.

He's bringing me a bag of Switches.

Is your dad next to you?

No, he's not.

Oh, look at you.

All grown up, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Big guy.

All right.

Hey, what are the girls like there?

What's the coos like over there?

What are the girls like?

The girls?

Yeah, yeah.

Any hot girls?

Yeah, I've seen a few.

Yeah?

They got big tits?

Big natural tits?

Yeah, I guess so.

All right, cool.

Well, there's probably some ugly girls, too, right?

Yeah.

All right, buddy.

All right, we'll take it easy.

Thanks again.

Merry Christmas.

Yeah, you too, buddy.

All right, bye.

Merry Christmas.

Nice guy.

See you in a...

Yeah.

Nice guy.

I didn't want to get too radical.

I didn't realize he's underage.

I didn't realize...

Jokes on you.

I'm 17.

Like, ooh.

Jokes on you.

I'm only 17.

I'm pretty simple.

Jokes on you.

Fucking guy.

That's pretty cool that he got to volunteer.

Tracking some Santa there, volunteer.

What a nice dad.

and then his dad

freaking left him

there by himself

and didn't even come

to help him out

like they should

sit together

right

it's Christmas

dad's probably

talking it up

to some chick

he ditched him

to go

he used the

empty sack

from the last

doll

man when he

dumped the toys

out over the

fucking last house

he used that sack

he shit in it

and he throws it back in the back for the elves.

Yeah.

Elves take care of that shit.

Literally.

That's fun.

That explains why he was willing to talk about the shit.

You get nothing to lose.

Hey, Vagina, how you doing?

Hello?

Hello.

Hello there.

She's sitting there.

She's a Roy D. Mercer.

Hello?

You know she's heard that before.

I'm not Vagina.

Hello, Norad Traxian.

How may I help you?

Vagina, how you doing?

Hi there.

Good.

Okay.

Question.

How does Santa Claus evacuate?

I'm sorry?

How does Santa Claus evacuate?

How does he evacuate where?

Well, to pass his urine.

See, that's...

That didn't seem to happen last.

Perhaps I shouldn't be prank calling Lauren.

Yeah, hey, I see, like, this thing in the sky right now.

It's really creeping me out.

I see something in the sky right now.

Okay.

Wait, about are you?

uh uh what what are you oh it's you again you're it's downtown julie brown remember we talked

earlier yeah we do yeah you're like british so you're mandrake remember i said you're like

mandrake oh i couldn't hear you oh you can hear me now right yeah okay all right all right where's

santa where's shanty claus he's in winnipeg calendar oh wow that's cool very good i can't

Tell us more. I'd love to hear her tell us more.

Yeah, tell us about Santa's sleigh. How does it work?

Magic.

Yeah?

It says magic.

Yeah?

Is it gas powered or nuclear powered?

What?

Gas or nuclear powered?

Is it powered by fear?

Powered by magic.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

I hear you.

Okay.

I love your accent. Where are you from? Are you from England?

Scotland.

Scotland. What are you doing in a NATO facility?

Hi, Lucia.

You work there, really?

That's where she gets the dog.

Are you, like, a trade?

Are you, like, a Scottish soldier or a Scottish Air Force woman, or are you an American?

I can't really tell you that, but, yeah.

Oh, wow.

That's so hot.

Wow, man.

God, I bet you're hot.

You got red hair?

Okay, I've got two.

What color hair you got?

What color hair?

Brown.

Oh, nice, nice.

Do you shave?

Do you shave your pubic hair?

Okay, bye.

Oh, yes, she does.

What color plaid?

some of the girls are awfully flirty this year i must say yeah i bet she's cute as fuck scottish

girl fucking nice little outfit little air force outfit oh my god that's why she got the job dude

first thing i tell is that look you're dying your hair red you're scottish this is my fantasy

all right and that includes the pubes once you sit you have brown hair so you got these

It's lightning.

It's a piece of shade, and it's red, man.

Yeah, that's all you need, man.

Yeah, that's all I burn.

Far out, man.

All right, one more to NORAD.

One more, one more.

All right, let's talk to him.

Hello, this is the NORAD tracking center.

This is Chief Keef.

How can I help you?

This is Chief Keef?

Chief Keef.

Who?

How are you?

Chief Keef?

Isn't that the right?

Chief Keef.

Cheeky.

Cheeky?

Yeah, how are you?

I'm not too good.

Where's Santa at now, that fat bastard?

Well, Santa right now is in Prince Albert in Canada.

Prince Albert in a can.

He'll be to Regina, Canada here shortly.

Vagina?

He's going from Prince Albert in a can of vagina?

All right.

Where are you calling in from?

From Arizona.

Oh, okay.

Well, it'll be a little while before he gets to see y'all.

I'm from USS Arizona.

I'm underwater right now.

Oh, okay.

I'm swimming.

I'm a ghost.

Ooh.

Ooh, Pearl Harbor.

Well, it sounds like they're having a great old time.

Yep, yep.

Hey, does Santa have good sperm?

What's that?

Does Santa have good, strong sperm?

Well, I guess Mrs. Claus would know.

Well, how about the fact that they've been together for how long now

and there's no Santa Jr.?

I don't know.

Nobody really knows that.

Maybe Santa has two beards.

You never know.

I think Santa has two beards.

He could, maybe.

Do you have a gaydar there?

Primordial dwarf.

Can you guys turn on your gaydar and see if he comes back, if he pings back?

No, we really can't.

We don't have that kind of technology.

Oh, wow.

Well, keep working on it, because you guys believe in magic tonight or something.

Yeah, well, evidently you do, too.

So have a great night.

Merry Christmas.

All right, honey, baby.

Have a magic evening.

Have a magical evening, yeah.

Oh, heck.

Who was that hotel you used to call?

Um, down at Disney.

Who did Jack Masterson call,

Magnabit? I don't like that.

You haven't done any requests

for me. It would be insulting.

I've been asking you like fucking at least

half a dozen shows now. It would be insulting.

To me, that you're not doing it,

thank you. So why don't you be nice to me?

Okay. We're changed.

I'm always nice to you. Please.

Please.

I'll think about it. I'll think about it.

I need a marker

just take a cigar tube

and be cool man

I don't smoke cigars

I don't do that anymore

I have a heart condition

you got tube right

I got a hose

I got a big hose

between my legs

what do you say

milkman

I got a tube snake

what kind of ring is that

that is a British ring

none of those numbers

answered dear Nunu

I like your Alexa

I like your Alexa plan

but uh

can't seem to get

anyone named Alexa

to answer

sir unfortunately sure did you hear your wheelchair call earlier when we called you in

the wheelchair that was nice man and it was in a wheelchair too i heard the call i heard the call

on break man i heard you we played the new new call when we caught him in the wheelchair what

was it you cam or what was it on whatever whatever you stream no iocam or whatever

i don't remember it was like some kind of webcam yeah

you know that guy with the santa hat and all that and he's like

this is a conversation i don't want to have

i'm like i'm sorry what happened oh here's oh thank you man that's very kind of you

oh we're gonna bust you out of there man huh

okay the practice and the stoppers are off the practice and the stoppers are off okay

The practice and the stoppers are off.

That's what he said.

I'm like, yeah, man.

It is cool, man.

It's exactly what he does in the chat, man.

I mean, you know it's him.

That Nunu, he's a bad hombre.

I got a bad feeling about him.

I'm so glad we got to talk to him before he went to be not completely.

Well, do you think out of all this time Nunu listened to prank calls like he does live,

do you think he's ever just masturbated during a show?

Anyone's show, not mine.

anyone's like you ever think like you know i got the show on i'm tired i don't want to get up and

move and get the get the volume turned down or turn off the show as much as he loved kdk dude

he had to man yeah as long as you don't think about yeah for years man if you can if you can

tune out of the show that you're listening to in your head now if you're listening to the prank

halls and jacking off that's kind of weird if you're paying attention and laughing to them

while you're listening to me do yeah but remember katie gay would get like crying you'd play that

gay music oh my god the memory would start crying and you'd start playing that queer ass shit yeah

like sad uh punk music and shit yeah all right sad punk that's what nina really likes that's

the kind of stuff we really responded to uh speaking of mr katie k he's been missing uh the

there's still a reward out for the head of KDK.

He's wanted.

No, no, man.

You've got to untie him and let him come out

so you can collect the reward and untie him.

You want to help us out with that?

Let us know, please.

Let us know if you've heard or seen from Dave Corrin,

a.k.a. KDK.

KDK puts the lotion in the basket.

Dude, that's terrible.

Why would you say that?

Let's call another Waffle House.

No, Noonoo needs to let him out.

Noonoo, let's let him out.

You're an idiot, man.

It's a joke, man.

You're a horse.

Thank you for calling your local Waffle House.

Your call is very busy.

Another one busy.

This is a fucking joke.

Nunu's an idiot, so it doesn't matter.

Dude, come on, man.

He's a friend of the show here.

He's VIP.

I love Nunu, man.

I bust his balls, man.

I'll bust the motherfucker's balls until he fucking dies.

Well, here's the thing.

Everyone likes to bust Nunu's balls, and he always has a good sense of humor.

But he's human, too.

He's human, too, Milkman.

He's human, too.

Hi, Waffle House.

Yeah, I love Waffle House.

What can I do for you?

I'd like to make an order for food.

Absolutely.

Will this be the girl?

What kind of accent is that?

Accent?

Yeah.

I don't think I have an accent.

You got a little bit of an accent there, honey.

You might want to work on that.

All right, yes.

this is gonna be a to-go order yes ma'am all right okay what can i do for you okay well look

one fool do what one food one food yeah what kind of food uh one eggs one egg eggs an order of eggs

yes one eggs how would you like that cooked please thoroughly early so would you like

no no no not like that no i don't need upgrades i need cooked eggs i need them cooked you like

with heat with heat heat all right like overheat overheat overheat some over light over medium

the light doesn't get hot enough you have to put them over heat if you just put them

no no no if you just put them on over the light they don't get the light gets hot but it doesn't

get hot enough to you know cook it completely correctly can't hear you correctly do you have

the heat thing there the thing that makes hot we do okay we do yeah you want to put you want to

to spray that okay with the can cans to spray those what do you do how do you lubricate it

you put oil in the pan i just spit on my fingers and rub it up and down against the hole one way

to do it yeah is that how do you go with just a little bit of spit or do you usually get no

we use cooking oil you use cooking oil for sex do you have a problem with like lubrication

dry vagina hey how you doing ginger good yourself first of all i love that name do you have ginger

your hair are kind of busy so if you would like to place an order you may come in and do so

one eggs go after your ass oh damn the dyke the pit bull dyke hooked you up man

she sounds like she's a damn a bruiser that's the fucking pit bull dyke tell you what man

look we're busy buddy and then i told her to shut up but that's just mean that wasn't necessary

Well, the one before was already saying,

I can't hear you, I can't hear you,

and that's the little bullshit excuse.

That's the easy way to hang up.

I want to make an order for eggs cooked with heat.

Eggs.

Yeah.

Hurry up.

You need to hurry up.

dammit. Who is this?

Hey, Ashley. No, this ain't Ashley.

Well, put her on. I need to talk to Ashley.

Hurry up. Hey, this is her mom.

So, who is this? Well, it's none of your business

then. You're the problem. Well, excuse

me, then she doesn't want to talk to you.

Well, I'm the one that fucks

her. I'm the one that fucks her.

Okay. I don't know

who it is. I put my dick in her.

I don't know. He talks about I'm the problem.

I have the sex.

I have the sex with her.

I can be a problem. Hello?

Hey, Ashley.

Who is this?

Yeah, this is Cross.

I'm the one that has the sex with you.

You got life on?

Hello?

Oh.

Where's your mom there?

What the fuck is that about?

Come on, Ashley.

Don't be that way.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, oh.

Hee-hee-ha-ha.

This is Ashley.

Hey, Ashley.

What's up, big girl?

This is who?

What's up, big Ashley?

How you doing, big Ashley?

Um, hi.

Who are you?

I'm Ashley.

Why you calling me big Ashley?

Ah, because you're a big girl.

All right.

Who is this?

They take it.

Yes, this is Tequila speaking.

Can I help you?

Yeah, what do you want?

I'm talking to Ashley, all right?

You're not talking to Ashley because Ashley hasn't gotten on the phone yet.

Do you need to speak to Ashley?

And if so, you can do so by coming inside the store and speaking to her.

If not, sir, I'm going to have to ask you to stop calling.

If I go down there, if I go down there, I'm going to make a mess is what's going to happen.

Oh, come on.

Just a moment, please.

Come on.

Come back, come back, come back, come back.

Hey, you take it easy.

Take it easy.

Hey, it's easy.

Take it easy, big guy.

All right?

You ready?

Need to get Jack Masterson?

Captain Panic.

Take it easy, Captain Panic.

You need to get Jack Masterson?

Why?

Come on, man.

You really want me to?

I will.

Don't worry.

I will.

Yeah, I know you.

I will.

Don't be like that.

Come on.

Don't start.

Come on.

Don't be mean.

What do you mean, don't start?

What are you about?

don't be nasty mean what do you hate me after this call i will do it's christmas i'll do it

for you for merry christmas do an eddie call do an eddie eddie yo thank you for calling

how may i help you yeah this is ashley's boyfriend i she works uh here at the the

waffle house on post road you know the one i'm talking about no what do you mean no you know

Do you know the Waffle House that's on North Post Road?

There's another Waffle House on North Post Road.

There is a Waffle House on North Post Road, and we're calling from it, stupid.

I didn't say that.

I asked if you're familiar with that one.

All right, you're really muffled.

What's your problem?

Can I speak to someone else who doesn't talk like a stupid?

No, that way you can speak to nobody.

Fuck you.

Whatever, bitch.

Fuck you.

Yo, man, yo.

You can give me Christmas, how about it?

I hate Indianapolis.

It's full of shit.

Dude, that's some of the KKK.

You better be careful, bro.

Thank you for calling your local Waffle House.

Not acceptable.

I'm going to try to call the first one back.

What big Ashley's that?

Thank you for calling your local Waffle House.

Your call is very important to us.

No, Ashley, don't do me that way.

Milkman, do you get an echo?

Are you getting an echo when you talk or anything?

Can you hear the music when it's playing?

Yeah, I'm kind of jazzed.

Thank you for calling your local Waffle House.

It's an album.

What's it called?

Let me see.

I believe a listener suggested this to me.

It's a group called Bonobo, like the gorilla.

Kenny G?

No, B-O-N-O-B-O, Bonobo.

It's an album called Black Sands by Bonobo.

Yeah, those are chimpanzees, man.

Mm-hmm.

And you would know, you work with chimpanzees.

Yeah, you work with chimpanzees.

There's a breed of chimpanzees.

They're the ones that only are interested in sex.

They never fight.

Really?

Yeah.

Really? For real?

No, I'm not kidding you, dude.

There's two types of chimpanzees, the Bonobo and the African.

The Bonobo only do it instead of fight.

Like, chimpanzees in Africa will kill each other and even eat each other, man.

And the Bonobos never do that.

They just have sex all the time, man.

So they never fucking fight, dude.

So they're the friendly ones?

Huh?

They're the friendly ones.

Well, I guess if you consider fucking all the time friendly, yeah.

Yeah.

They got like a hairdo that's kind of like spread over on the side.

or like got a moe or something, you know.

Their hair just looks a little different.

But yeah, man, that's all they do.

It's a lot of people.

Wouldn't that be great to have a cool society like that, man?

Is that the same as a pygmy chimpanzee?

I don't think so.

These guys are different.

They're different.

I forget what area they're in now.

But they are a little bit different.

Their hair looks a little different than the regular.

Like Cheetah the chimp was an African one.

A mean one.

These guys are, these guys got different looking hairdos than that.

Yeah.

Well, you know, from Africa, obviously more violent, you know.

Yeah.

But the bonobos are from Africa too.

And I'll tell you what, those, uh.

I don't know which part of Africa or where the fuck they're at.

All I just know is that they're, they're completely different sociologically, man.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Obviously the African bonobo chimpanzee.

My ex-girlfriend and I, we went to the zoo in Orlando, and they had a bonobo chimpanzee exhibit.

They picked up a fucking turd and threw shit at you, right?

Man, that's African terms.

No, no.

That's my memory, man.

The chimpanzee.

The African ones I see pick up turds, and when you walk by the cage, they fucking throw it through the bars.

No, the chimpanzee was not, I don't know, it was really rude.

The chimp's name was Chucky, and we used to laugh because if you threw him a cigarette, he'd smoke it.

This guy had his hands all over my wife, my ex-girlfriend's ass while we were taking a picture, a selfie with it.

It just wanted to rub its hands.

We took a picture and it was groping and the chimpanzee was like, oh, yeah, you know, you want it, baby.

Christmas Confidence Level Reporting

Calls (38, 2 h of 3 h 25 min)

Transcript

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