New Years Machine

Is midnight almost there?

What bit it?

Oh, oh, it's ramping up.

Any second, it's going to go.

Yeah, uh-oh.

Oh, no.

Oh, crap.

I think New Year's is ruined.

What happened?

Did it turn off?

Yeah, it turned off.

I'm not playing no fucking games, man.

I fucked you, son of a bitch.

Stop making a stupid comment.

You're out of your crazy mind.

You ain't getting no goddamn dollars.

I'll fuck you all night long.

You're not perfect.

What are you, piss off?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Prankcast.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the event of the evening.

And the attendants and fans watching around the line.

One of them shows, hey everybody, it's me, Carlito.

I'm the host of this show called Madhouse Radio.

Yeah, motherfucker.

But it's a special show tonight.

Yes, tonight I'm joined with some of my friends.

Friends, friend number one, Brad Carter, RBCP, host of the Snowplow Show.

How you doing, Brad Carter?

Yeah, all right.

What happened?

I think I just heard a baseball bat.

I'm fine.

Also here is Dwight McClanahan.

Dwight McClanahan, what's going on, sir?

Hey, Merry New Year.

Oh, look at that echo.

Son of a bitch.

Oh, echo?

Oh, no.

Really?

Bad echo?

Brad, did you hear an echo, too, when you talked?

I just heard it when Dwight talked, not when you talked.

Oh, well, then imagine that.

That sounds like a...

That's part of Dwight.

Yeah.

Fuck, man.

You're kicked off the show.

I also have...

Who's here?

Is it Dom?

Dom's here.

Dom.

Dom from the Super Phone Bros.

How you doing?

Thank you for joining.

It's good to have you.

Thank you for having me.

Yeah.

Matt made it.

Big Matt Hillock.

Yeah.

I think he did, didn't he?

Is he white?

Yeah, he is.

He's white, bro.

All right, Matt.

Good, good.

Good. Oka's here, too. Big Oka's joining in.

Hey, Big Carlito.

What's up, Don? Hey, Happy New Year.

What's up, buddy? You, too.

Everybody, it's

New Year's Eve. Do you say New Year's Eve

2017

or 2018? Because I know

we're going into 2018, but it's also

2017, and the eve is on 17.

You know what I'm trying to say?

These are hard questions, Carlito. Come on.

What's the correct way to say it?

To me, it's New Year's Eve 2017

because we're not in New Year's Day

day 2018 hey can i just now be hard yes you can hey oh my god i've been that i've been

jesus christ i just i thought i i thought i was muffling myself too much hey everybody

happy new year's uh apparently my microphone wouldn't plug all the way in oh shit man well

that's what she said okay all right yeah yeah hey i have your uh your tiny chat going prank

prank call nation the tiny chat.com slash prank call nation all right everyone go to tiny chat.com

slash prank call nation turn on your cameras fill your dicks yep i'm sure there'll be at least one

masturbator there tonight right yeah guys i'm super excited that's why i will i will definitely

allow it i'm a moderator and masturbation is allowed yeah yes yeah that's probably gonna be

the one doing it yeah you'll probably be the only one in there looking at and no there's a bunch of

cats they think that this like the official chat and they want to like talk to you guys

and i'm like i don't know like i'm just a ham i just want to see myself

i'm just a ham yeah yeah i just like save myself all right all right let's let's see if this cafe

is open uh they they're usually open at this time uh we got numbers from parkman also that we get to

it looks like a lot of them were in guam i look that was way too many numbers for me even to

to comprehend. I've been going for

a couple hours, buddy. So, happy

New Year's. Hey, thanks, man. Happy New Year's

to you, too. You drinking anything?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I had a piece of ice and an old salad.

I had some... I had

a... What do you call it?

Chicken

Alfredo with bacon

pizza. It was amazing, dude.

It was so fucking nice.

Was it chicken Alfredo pizza or

chicken Alfredo pizza? Yeah, chicken Alfredo

pizza. I got... Well, I got pizza

pizza with alfredo sauce and then chicken and cheese on it and then i added smoked bacon to it

and then was dipping in the garlic butter it was fucking dope man it was really nice man

i like that idea i'm having trouble with the call machine come on connected am i hearing ringing

hello hello can we do a facebook mob because discord wanted a facebook mob earlier yes yes

you want to get those details you have a facebook mob uh information facebook my unfair everybody

Everybody, ladies and gentlemen, please pay attention to Brad Carter while he gives that out.

Thank you. Go ahead, sir.

So, like, I don't know if this is a good one because it's not really a business.

It's just a page, but it's open to the public.

Anyone can comment on it, but there's no reviews.

So you're going to be forced to just leave comments.

But it's an active community.

There's a lot of people who think it's, like, crazy or something.

It's called Horse Talk, and it's Facebook.com.

Think horse.

you have a link to put in the chat yeah yeah share that link yeah okay so facebook.com

slash anything horse um getting it hold on so can you explain a facebook my basically you were

asking the fan the listeners right now live to well even after right on the podcast anytime they

want yeah like just just go there and drive everyone insane like say crazy things uh don't

Don't be too crazy. Don't get your Facebooks

shut down. We don't want that.

You don't have to show ID.

Beard at them. Piss people off.

Don't get carried away.

Making a fake ID up like

Dwight had to

to DeVry University.

That was before

I figured out I shouldn't be doing that

with my Dwight account.

I actually just got one of my very

long-term fake accounts shut down

just the other day. I had this one for like

six months.

oh wow they killed it right and i don't know why because i hadn't been doing anything with it for

like the past week and uh i go to log in with it like just the other day and they're like

nope like it wasn't even like prove your identity it was just like fuck you you're done

wow that's uh they weren't having it it's fucked up assholes yeah you had bologna with cheese for

a while that was always funny it was like a bologna coupon bologna with cheese i had a bunch

of different combinations of that that uh i've i've got videos of guys arguing with with baloney

baloney coupon

here it is i'll put it in the in the chat for you guys here all right

do you still have a lot of those like un like edited on youtube which is not released public

yeah i got a bunch that are not released not edited yet but they're ready to go i thought

thought you had some edited ready to go and uh i do yeah oh wow so you could drop those at any time

that's pretty good yes wow what are you waiting on out of curiosity just uh laziness laziness all

right all right there you go guys motivate this guy why don't you get a patreon dwight you'd be

more motivated and you have more money for baloney yeah dwight yeah i don't know man i don't

need all all the clips all the cool people got patreon yeah all the cool people you would need

It's a place to stay.

You can upgrade to, like, I don't know.

Corned beef.

There you go.

Roast beef.

All right.

I'm going to get some of that pastrami.

Here's a cafe.

Oh, dude.

I want some pastrami.

We're open daily from 8 o'clock a.m. until 10 o'clock p.m.

Monday through...

Transferring call.

Shut up.

Hello, and thank you for calling Tower Cafe.

I think they closed for the holiday.

Shit.

Oh, my house.

I didn't know it was a holiday.

i was trying to order groceries online yesterday i think and it was like your next available thing

is tuesday and i was like what the fuck holiday are you talking about i didn't know new year's

was a thing yeah dude i keep my audio keeps going like one-sided here this is bad i got a bad cable

because the dog's been chewing on all the cable oh man bad homer it's a bad homie bad little bastard

flick him in his little nuts see how he likes it you haven't think you haven't clipped them yet

no no we're gonna have to assume because they won't let him be in this puppy daycare anymore

after he's seven months he's five today he's the poor thing he's thinking about thinking about what

you're doing too why don't you just keep him out of that puppy daycare no dude he loves it he has

so much fun there's a gang of basset hounds that all hang out together i think i think if you gave

him like if we could give him an option balls or hanging around with these idiots and fucking

and retard school.

No, we watch them on webcam.

The daycare has a webcam, and there's

a group of four bastard hounds, including

him, that all just hang out all the time.

They're like a gang, like a cypher.

Yeah, they're teaching them

the ropes and stuff. It's really cool.

They're like one

cheer unique.

This is the kind of shit you can do.

Alright, look, there's

a job here for a waiter in Guam.

We need a prank call to start off the show.

Just like normal New Year's

eve at every top of the hour we'll take a like a five to ten minute break for uh a countdown and

all day and sign however you say that the song that everyone just i just mumble because i don't

know how the fuck that song goes what it's about like all like old eyes or what's it about what

who cares i don't know what are we saying that's probably satanic and this new tiny chat doesn't

Apparently we're on the Netscape, motherfuckers.

What are you talking about, Netscape?

The Rin Chet.

Alright, how come I don't see, like, cameras in there?

Is there anyone on camera?

Me, I am.

I don't see anyone.

You don't see me? I'm in Prankall Nation.

Yeah, not Saxento.

Not Saxento.

That's where I'm at.

Sure.

Yeah.

I'm gonna try and broadcast it.

Okay, I just refreshed it.

What's my favorite part of the show?

yeah oh you know it's true that's right by the way everybody know i like how you doing

you guys the italian restaurant is this the italian restaurant no this is ocean jet club

okay but do you have positions open the job opening yeah i'm not right now but i'm looking

on the computer and it says that you have job openings there's four of us here who need a job

we're all gonna pass the phone around call third okay wait what hello yeah hello call third hi is

this the restaurant no this is not the restaurant this is ocean jackrab ocean jackrab yeah i think

you got long number no no not long number what is ocean jackrab jack oh you guys like jack off the

guys shit crap i heard god what the fuck is that ocean jackrab that's what i thought too man ocean

Ocean jack-off.

Ocean jack-off. They jerk you off in the ocean.

It's very relaxing.

They speed it out.

They throw it out.

They have you do a dead man's float in the ocean

and they jerk you off while you do it.

That reminds me. I stayed in a

sex motel one time.

Was there floating involved?

Yeah, I floated around

pissing.

That dead man floating thing.

Like a

fountain and a shitty

hotel i guess y'all float down here right let's see minicam i can't i am having such an issue i'm

trying now look i can only i can turn on my camera by itself did i break it i bet you it's my fault i

think you did something man i'm having trouble connecting this let's go we're we're having

issues all over the place nobody's gonna do i don't know ocean you know we could just play like

like a sound effect of a ringing phone for you yeah ocean jet crab is really funny

yes hi i'd like to rent one jet crab please hello yes i'd like to rent one one of them please a jet

crab uh what's the fastest one you have because i like we'd like there's four of us you have one

for four of us we'll get on top of this crab that has a jet engine on it we'll just go around the

water skiing is that how it works jet ski yes i guess jet crab right is like a big crab that we

get on top you said jet crab you said ocean jet crab when you pick up the phone i did are you

saying jet craft is that what you're saying no i said hang on say it again matt matt go ahead say

say it again one more time what ocean jet club jet club jet club yeah ah she had to work really

hard to say the l correctly oh wow because happy christmas you know you know how you people say l

like r uh yeah because i have my language because you're stupid you know yeah because you're stupid

you people are stupid yeah you dumb bitch whoa i was just saying happy christmas you're like

monkeys yeah so even monkeys have christmas eve yeah can we get four jet collabs collabs

you want to do a collab on a jet

can you put the can you put man on the phone hello yeah oh yeah yeah is that you sir are you

talking to me yes how may i help you yeah we need to rent a jet crab okay for when uh you have

anything today that's fine today we have a next class at 3 30. oh we don't need a class we're

going to do it ourselves we're military men we're just going to use it for a bank robbery

what's that the next time it's at 3 30 okay so we we want to get the jet crab we're going to

you know drive them around we're going to steal we're going to steal money from the bank and then

we're going to use them to get away okay so no problem yeah we practiced before that time okay

Okay. All right. All right. So then we'll get on the jet skis, you know, and we're going to go, you know, what do you got? Sea-doos there? What do you got?

Sir, you may come here and enjoy the jet ski.

No, what kind you have? You have sea-doo? What kind you have?

Yamaha.

Ah, that's shit. That's Japanese shit.

Yes, sir.

Yeah, you know, Japanese people make shit.

Well, it's up to you if you'd like to come here. If not, it's okay, sir.

Well, you know, don't get nasty with me. Don't get nasty with me. We're going to rob a bank and we're getting away.

Sir, I'm not getting nasty, sir.

We're going to rob the bank, and we're going to get away on the jet skis.

That's it.

We're Marines, but we do this on the side.

We're Marines, but we do this on the side because we have access to weaponry, you know?

Okay, sir.

That's up to you.

Yeah, all right.

And how sexy is that girl that's there?

She sounded pretty sexy to me.

I cannot answer that question, sir.

Well, you have an idea?

Can you give me, just say from one to ten, ten being the most sexy.

Have you ever fantasized about her, bro?

Sir, you're asking me a question that this could be taken to the court, so I do apologize.

Have you ever masturbated thinking about her?

It's cool, bro. We're bros.

Do you ever masturbate thinking about her?

Sir, you're calling my place of employment.

To answer such answers would jeopardize my job.

I do apologize.

Okay, but just say hypothetically.

If you wish to come here for the jet ski, you're open to do so.

However, if not, it's up to you.

Have you ever thought of her naked on top of the jet ski,

and then you masturbate thinking about her

going real slow motion like

you know how the water shoots out of the back

of it like it's like a female orgasm

like a ejaculation

female ejaculation

you probably fucking thinks about

fucking the jet ski breathe heavy once

for yes twice for no

would you fuck a whale's blowhole if it was okay

it's okay if you're a chinaman

do what chinaman fuck a whale

chinaman or i'm sorry

japanese are all about that yeah

fucking whale blowholes i don't think they are

Well, they eat the goddamn things, right?

They keep the blowhole, and, yeah, some Japanese guys had to fuck a cut-out whale blowhole at some point.

Been like, we can't get rid of this, like, you know, this isn't meat, but here's an opportunity for me to fuck a blowhole, I mean.

Or wouldn't you?

Wouldn't you?

I don't know.

I wouldn't jump at the opportunity.

I don't know.

If I was on a whaling boat, I wouldn't wait to think it.

I think a blowhole would be like a hot dog, it would be the hot dog down the hallway paradox, I think.

oh that's why you gotta find uh a whale that had recently calved and has a baby like a fresh baby

god no that's how you do it a dolphin but then you might as well fuck the dolphin pussy right

oh my yeah well he's matt's a big fan of dolphin pussy he's got pictures all over the place him

dolphin pussy him next to dolphin pussy and all that did somebody make one of those i think i'm

still trying to get this fucking tiny

I really think you broke

yeah you do want a refund I think you broke

tiny Chad Fred it was

Ryan Carter

I can't broadcast either like

yeah it's going to broadcast and it just

doesn't it's just funny like it

was where maybe somebody

shitting on it because I

told everybody I was in there

the other people in there were saying they couldn't see it either

oh but didn't they

see me earlier with the

the fucking the stupid

happy new year's 2009 or or what i had like i can only see the room yeah let's see if i can go to

it um let's see if we can move there i don't know because i'm turning off like go street it's

hopeless uh hey how you doing you got a hole uh i've got one-sided audio again

i don't know what's going on um the tiny check y'all um it's okay shit's breaking everywhere man

i was gonna say i heard about this y2k shit best buy warned me about it a couple years ago

didn't take heed it was an open best buy in hawaii where i can ask about y2k preparation okay

because I don't know

I didn't get the Y2K update for 2018

oh that's good

that's good

some guy on my work was telling me the world's going to end

like a plant of eggs

hi sir hey how you doing

we were wondering if we're going to come at 3.30

for the jet skis

shit he's just putting me on hold

hello

admin and HR office

please leave

he's just pushing me right through

We need Nick Caesar to draw some fucking jet crabs.

Jet crabs, hell yeah.

And then you fucking a blowhole in the background.

Are any of you guys drinking?

Brett, are you allowed to drink?

You're on lockdown.

I'm drinking a lot of crystal Pepsi.

No, I can drink.

It's just like I can't do illegal things, and weed's illegal.

Okay, all right.

Under federal law.

Federal legal.

Okay, gotcha.

All right, I'm drinking some Grey Goose.

I presume Dom's got some kind of alcohol of Mexican origin with agave in it.

I'm having Bud Light.

I'm having the wimpiest of drinks.

I'm having Cold Style.

You might have a little more APB than me, Brad.

Maybe, I don't know.

I have a Four Loko down in the fridge.

I have one, too.

I have one from, like, years ago from, like, the old apartment.

Hey, listen.

I've never tried a Four Loko in my life.

They sound nasty. They sound very sugary and nasty.

And what's the point with no caffeine?

Speaking of which, though, Dwight, I haven't heard you talk about beer or crack a beer on the air.

I just noticed in, like, months.

Did you stop the beer and stuff?

I don't drink it as often.

Not as often? You drink an eighth of that?

Usually I used to do it, like, during show days, but I've been not doing that either.

Oh, shit. Okay. All right.

I want to apologize for those listening to us.

You're probably getting audio in the left and the right side here.

and i i can't control it i don't know what's going on here with this cable

i'm not getting it on skype you're not gonna get it you're not gonna get it because you're

getting a mono okay yeah but um oh shit we hear the music

oh okay are you doing any hard drugs tonight oh no

no just um don't do this come on just do some heroin cocaine i don't do that kind of stuff

don't pretend we're all we're all friends here

what makes them hard brad turned into a narc or something ladies trying to get us

i know the deal i made with the feds yeah weird yeah like hey guys you're committing crime

You guys want to do some cocaine?

Hello, kids.

Cocaine, guys.

Crystal methamphetamine, guys.

Yeah.

Kind of drugs you're doing.

Smoke some marijuana.

You know, I'm following the guy, Donald Trump, and I stopped drinking.

Oh, that did it for you.

God damn, this audio on my end is killing me.

It's, oh, God.

Oh, this sucks.

There we go.

You sound like Matt with the tiny chat.

Oh, yeah, exactly.

Oh, wow.

Complaining.

guys all right uh god whenever i talk it does god is new year's from uh all right people back to the

numbers yep back to the numbers uh we got someone looking for a tagalog translator speaker kind of

guy all right we can do that brad what do we usually do what have we usually done on new

year's eve gas stations yeah you know me i like those gas stations uh user fan with the ph sent

sent me a big list of

Super America

stations.

Some Minnesota chain.

I never heard of Super America.

I think I've bought shitty

3-2 beer in Super

America before, and whoever

made that list, I don't know what I'm talking about.

I think Minnesota's one of the few states I've never

been to.

The Mall of America's dope, though.

Hello, you looking for a Tagalog speaker?

Who is this? My name is Cross.

I'm a Tagalog speaker. No thanks.

why sexist why why please i just want to speak can't you see damn you don't want to speak

all right what's a tagalong speaker it's actually it's a girl scout tagalog it's some kind of uh

i don't know polynesian language or something out there in the pacific uh i think it's what

they speak in the philippines oh it's called tagalog it's the language it's tagalog but it's

spelled tag along so i'm being real ignorant i'm saying tag along yeah but i speak a good tag along

yeah like yeah that's what she's like i thought it was like like a little friend like my tag along

translator like a little midget that knew the language of whatever leg land you were going

through my tag along trailer uh lg electronics let's see if uh we can see if anyone's there

Nobody likes my Facebook, Bob.

It's good.

Welcome to LG Electronics.

Para continuar en español, por favor marque el número dos.

I don't want to be mean to the worst people.

Information is also available on our website at LG.com.

Customer service.

If you are going to order parts or accessories,

say what type of product are you calling.

You're interesting, bro.

I don't know.

Like every picture, it's kind of like,

Like, oh, I'd like to fuck that horse or fuck you or that horse.

Are you calling LG? My name is Rana.

And are you calling from the phone number 916?

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Yes. Yes.

Hello?

How can I help you today, sir?

I need help with my camera phone machine.

What's the model of the phone?

It's a Rumor.

Who is your carrier?

Cross.

Provide me the exact model of the phone, sir.

Yeah, G-A...

Or the I-M-E-I.

G-A-N-D-U.

I

don't think we have this as a model, sir.

Do you have a...

Our model usually starts with the carrier, some initials like for Verizon, VF, and three numbers.

I don't want to give you the IMEI.

I want to give you the model of the phone.

What's the model, sir?

It's an Aristo.

Aristo, Aristo with Metro PCS.

And hurry up, okay?

Because people are waiting to hear this.

So hurry up.

Thank you.

What's the issue, sir?

We're trying to install this phone in the toilet for camera pictures.

So we want to know how waterproof is it, or is there a waterproof case you provide

so that we can have it take pictures of the girls when they're on the toilet?

I'm sorry, sir, we do not have those information, and the phone is not waterproof.

Well, how can I make it waterproof so that I can put in the water in the toilet

and the girl sits on top with her panties off?

We do not have those as an option, sir.

You know how the girl pees from her vagina area when she sits on the toilet, you know?

No.

I'm kind of bummed out.

I'm kind of bummed out because as of late, I've been noticing all I do is like vulgar shit.

Can someone else do a prank call?

Is anyone else interested in that?

Brad, how are you?

I'm good.

Welcome to LG Electronics.

I like when you're vulgar.

Por favor, marque el numero dos.

Sure, I'll talk to LG.

I'm not going to do it again.

i don't want to do it again i don't want to do it again we got a request we got a request to call

hotels dwight and do fireworks and uh in the bathtub we got some hotels sent here uh maybe

a little bit i don't know i'm gonna say my name's guys there's a 24-hour fitness anyone interested

in that brad you could do bb from the corporate office do a silly thing okay i'll be from the

corporate microphone how about i come i get a customer on the phone and matt matt does the

the survey thing all right all right cool that sounds like a plan 24-hour fitness everyone

and dom touches himself yeah calling 24-hour fitness

certified personal trainers and more than 400 clubs open up to 24 hours we're committed to

helping you meet your goals on your time if you know your party's extension you may dial it now

service please press six who is something that was an offer if this goes to national center

or a recording oh shit you're getting banned oh we're getting close to the new year's man

oh wow i want to thank everyone for tuning in we haven't done many pranks but i'm drunk and

we're having fun i gotta it's not like 8 40 i'm trying yeah i know we're gonna be on hopefully

until your new year's there and then we better be it's gonna be a couple more we're out it's

only fair i'm only gonna stay for like 15 more minutes oh man oh my god i gotta go to bed

I am the last few days. I've been super happy and excited and sharing my youtube channel, which was at

954

That's what I thought I was fucking telling people I'm almost a thousand and today mama

I like said that is not the homeless thousand your math is inaccurate and say like that

but it is like it's one of those weird things when your reality flips you like i really thought it

was about to be a thousand why does your mom hate you so much i don't know that well i think it's

better than saving because i what happens i would have been like it would just would have been 960

i would have been like god damn stop being such a damn know-it-all damn it hey matt um yeah you

have ms right yes so are you expected like end up like where you can't walk at all like in a

a wheelchair like richard pryor kind of i don't i don't know is it gonna affect your um math

abilities i think it already has a bit oh man because i used to be so good at the math

i don't know i go to a six-pack what's up you know how many beers are in a six-pack

hmm well there's eight in these like tall boys kind of when you think about the ounces

per like 18 ounces well i just meant how many cans oh six brad circle k circle k

circle k brad you got it circle k corporate office yeah oh my my youtube channel it is

matt you're ready to do a survey circle k brad's okay let's do this do a lot of asking about

out strange things there that are

funny. Ask him to go to your YouTube channel

and subscribe. Oh, yeah.

Tell him about the most of the thousand.

God damn it. Say god damn it.

Oh, a lot of god damn it.

That's the New Year's

thing. Hi,

ma'am. Hello? Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you hung up. This is Steve

from the corporate office with Circle K.

And I'm calling to do the

weekly customer survey. Do you have a customer

in there I could speak with? Just do a quick survey with them?

Okay, yeah. Just any customer will do. It's a very

quick survey we'll get him a coupon for free drink or whatever hello is this is this a customer

hello are you are you a customer or a employee okay i'm transferring you to the the survey

department just hold on geez how you doing happy new year's how's your evening at circle k going

this evening good good good hey i would just like you to go to the youtube channel youtube.com

slash user slash six six six h i l l zero c k six six six because that's a good channel to go to

see how it rolls off the tongue the square and how are you liking the circle k tonight

what'd you say i said i've talked to people about branding um are strange things afoot at the circle

okay this evening. On a scale of white to black, what is the race of your cashier? Good, good, good,

good. You're doing good. You go ahead. Can I ask her a question? You certainly can. Okay, ma'am,

I'm going to ask you a question for the survey. Ma'am, okay, on a scale of one to ten, when did

the Mongols rule China? Scale one to ten, when did the Mongols rule China? I don't know. Incorrect.

Okay, I'm transferring you back to Matt.

Stupid.

Hey, hey.

I thought you knew about the Mongols.

Mongolians.

Jesus Christ.

What do you know about them?

She's a Mongoloid.

Yeah, Jesus Christ.

You're a Mongoloid, ma'am.

Do you get hit a lot?

Take you out of the store.

Soda taste test is in the chat room.

Go for it.

Oh, so what?

Soda taste test?

Ma'am, can you do a...

We need to do a soda taste test.

Service test?

A taste test of the soda.

Can you go to the fountain machine, please?

Okay, all right.

What do we have here?

Diet Coke, Diet Pepsi?

Do you have both of those there?

You got Diet Coke.

You don't have to.

Yeah, you have Coke.

R-E-C.

Okay, go ahead.

I'd like you to pull any of the fountain sizes

and just put a little bit of Diet Coke in one

and a little bit of Diet Pepsi in the other.

Okay, they're big and tasty.

Okay, I'll do it.

Don't get down for that.

Oh, no, I'm going to do it right now.

Okay, a little bit of Diet Coke in one

diapepsin the other same size and put them next to each other and i'll tell you what to do from

there i'm next to each other okay okay did you do it yes okay now close your eyes and just swap

them back and forth so that you don't know which one is which okay okay all right now go ahead and

take a sip of the one on the left which we're going to call sample number a okay all right

all right okay drink that okay all right and now go ahead and drink the second one sample number b

Okay.

Now, on a scale of one to banana, which one is better?

Banana?

Yes.

Hurry up.

Well, you know how bananas are so good, right?

She didn't like that banana thing.

She did not like banana, but she was...

Yeah, yeah.

I think she worked there, dude.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I heard her getting...

Like, I heard the ice...

You know, I heard her getting a drink.

First called her.

I was at the store today, and they had red bananas.

It was, like, yummy.

Red bananas?

I've got to be, man, I had a whole issue with bananas.

Are they genetically modified?

I had a whole issue with bananas, man.

Did you find them in your pocket in the morning?

Yeah, I didn't know, but the bananas showed up and they're like kind of beat up and kind of like,

like, like they seem almost frozen because it's like zero out here, you know?

Yeah, but you're having them in this movie.

And like bruised up, uh-huh.

You're putting them in this movie.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I did, but they, you know what I'm saying?

I don't know why they were red.

Oh, there's some weird country, or there's like, I've had the red banana, they are some

like dirty Latin America banana or some shit.

Yeah, fuck those guys.

Mexico number one.

Build that wall.

South America shit.

Fuck yeah.

Hey guys, we're about six to seven minutes coming up here on New Year's.

We're going to be taking that first break, first of four.

next year you really know i do i hate that we can't get time check going maybe we could watch

together and we get a like find a live ball drop or something i'm gonna be playing it don't worry

it's gonna be here live on the air machine no you don't worry oh okay i'm surprised that you

don't have anything to say about this that's uh about what any new year's wishes that's freaking

uh what's what's his face uh cns the anderson cooper used to be anderson cooper and what's

face the comedian who had that weird thing with trump where she said that trump was after her

after she made the comments or she took the picture she got his fucking head off the red

head yeah what was the name i forgot kathy uh furbush griffin kathy griffin yeah yeah so cn

let her go and then they got andy cohen and saying that they're best friends these two are best

friends what the fuck they're talking about they got andy jewing over here just jewing it up new

i'm sorry guys i just i don't they killed you i don't know i don't know what you're talking about

cnn's coverage they got they they got rid of kathy griffin for saying the anti-trump thing and then

but then they got what they got some other dude there now and he's no kathy griffin

i'm just trying to say this is all like you're saying that she used to be she was a better host

yeah this is an outrage she was sucking worse and worse every year she was banging my fist on the

the desk fuck me come on man who watches the fucking broadcast television well uh i watch cnn

so all right and you just are you in the airport you just want to be getting breaks done on your

car no listen that's the five minute alarm here brought to you by amazon echo nice stop stupid

chinese alarm i like how we couldn't hear it the stupid chinese yeah well it was low brad okay

okay i'm sorry i just i just dude brad hey i'm loving it man i know me and you talk smart home

technology all the time i got my smart thermostat here i got a zen thermostat i i decided not to go

with the nest like everyone else does because fuck nest fuck oh hey damn i wish you would have

because um i still have a nest that what tristan had sent to me because he was trying to do some

some kind of scam like but it wasn't worth like sending sending to like the posters to australia

i don't even know i don't kind of i don't know i don't know where it's going to be but i'm

like yeah hey check this out there's a marijuana cocktail

what's up they got a marijuana cocktail here to folks live also the mayor is making marijuana

I want a cocktails out in somewhere.

Well, the mayor and special guests.

The chick is about to drink.

Like, touch it, and then that starts.

Touch it, yeah.

I made a bunch of chocolate and a bunch of, like, just straight THC pills.

Dude, we got our new weed person.

This chick is awesome.

She does tons of good edibles, man.

And she made these chocolate spoons.

They're basically, like, these spoons that have, like, chocolate and cocoa powder on them.

and you just you warm up milk or or you get your coffee in the morning and you just swirl it around

and it melts in it and it makes either makes it either makes hot cocoa for you or or chocolate

izes your coffee but it's it's got a lot of weed in it and dude it is awesome it hits really quick

i guess it just puts you on like it's like a one of them bang teas that them indian cats drink you

know yeah yeah oh yeah man i've been i think early in this supernova bar today it's like it's got

I did little chips, coffee beans in it.

Brad has the floor.

Go ahead, Brad.

Sorry.

I do.

Oh, no, I was just wondering.

Wait, I don't know.

What was I asking?

Shit, I don't know.

Thanks a lot, Matt Kellock.

Yeah.

Let's hear it for Matt.

Yay.

I apologize.

I'm sorry.

Oh, no, it's not your fault.

I'm just kidding.

It's good.

Just give people something to holler about.

I can't hold a thought for more than like five seconds.

I can't either.

And you've been off of weed for months now, and it takes a while, right?

right yeah hey like is it the best thing ever for you like to have the alexa and just yell out the

music you want to hear when you're high uh yes that and now i can tell her turn the fucking ac

down and shit you know or turn the heat up yeah i love it yeah i do it all the time but i get mad

because i don't want i used to have amazon music and i don't now and i'm not getting that because

i'm already paying for google play but uh it's got spotify yeah no i like spotify i just got

I got three months for a dollar.

Circle K.

Hi, Circle K.

What's up?

Do you have Spotify?

We want to say happy 4th of July.

Circle K, play New Year's music.

Let all acquaintance be.

He's doing it.

It's St. Patrick's Day.

Is that him?

Yeah.

Is he beatboxing?

Circle K.

Circle K, pause.

Oh, what's up, man?

You're a cool guy.

Circle K, put a customer on the phone for the weekly customer survey.

This is the corporate office.

Ready, set, go.

We're bored here at the office on New Year's, dude.

We got to work.

We're passing around nudie mags and talking about it.

There's nobody here, though.

Oh, shit.

Well, you're there.

How you doing, man?

That's me, dude.

Pull down your pants.

Circle K.

Do something crazy, yeah.

Go shove a Twinkie somewhere, like, you know, in a hole.

Get some Mentos and Diet Coke.

T.H.

uh tfth what's the fucking okay the fuck yeah hey look it's almost time i'm gonna run i'm gonna

play this i got some moe i got some moette you know so actually about some moe bro dom you know

what's up moe i got some rosé oh yeah motherfucker we're gonna do it right yeah it's the time right

shit we gotta go all right we'll be right back we'll take a break happy new year everybody

yeah we're at 42 seconds actually carlito do you like alizé uh i've had it it's all right

All right, it's too sugary for me now with diabetes, you know?

Man, I'm sorry.

25 seconds, everybody.

All right.

Happy New Year, my loves.

Okay, I guess we're back.

I hit the power button on my computer with my foot right when I was getting up for New Year's.

Are you guys still there?

No, hang on.

I got to turn you guys back up.

Hello, are you there?

I'm here.

Sorry.

I didn't hear you.

Happy New Year.

Yep, yep.

Yeah, sorry about that.

Right in the middle of that, as I was getting up, I hit the power strip and the main computer crashed.

You're just full of excuses.

I am, but I spent that entire time just now drinking Moet champagne and fixing it.

Now, I'm very drunk, but I think I got us back on.

You should put champagne on the computer so it comes to life, like in that one movie.

I thought about champagne on the computer.

I left my alcohol somewhere.

Shit.

Don't stand back up.

We don't want to have this shit right here.

No, no, no.

Oh, no. Oh, there it is. The TV. Shit. I've got to turn the volume down on it.

Call the wife. Call the wife to come get it.

No, she's fucking drunk, too, and annoying.

Yeah, I don't want to talk about something.

Let me get a call going here that one of you will do.

There goes the audio bad again.

I'm going to do a call that one of you will do, so I can run and get my Grey Goose vodka over there.

Your Moet.

No, the Moet's gone. We killed a bottle of Moet in that whole time.

Shit.

I got some Jose Cuervo right here.

60, 70 bucks on Jose Cuervo

Alright, Cuervo, Cuervo

Cuervo Gold, what do you got there?

You got the cheap stuff?

Hey Carlito, that guy you say

That you called and he got like

Hella mad at you, that you say is Mexican

I don't think that guy is Mexican

The one that goes like

Chinga tu puta madre

Sometimes you play it

Chinga tu mala way?

Or tu pinche cabron maricón de mierda

That guy? You don't think he's Mexican?

when i was selling the fucking sex thing or whatever you said the stamina table yeah that

full salvadorian he's not mexican really see i can't tell those differences you can tell those

nuances man i can't all right cool so all right thanks for uh spreading that love oh god oh man

i got vodka and champagne mixed in my belly and then i had a hot sausage a hot link here just like

like you did i just had a hot link i had a hot link just now all right so look a call a call

not all right so now i got a fuck i got those numbers back okay good they saved here all right

good no pad plus plus plus for the win you guys what uh you want to do is to know the circle k

what else could be open today brad remind me sir you know you know these things do you think

planet fitness is open tonight i don't know because uh when i was a member of planet fitness

i remember them telling me like we're 24 hours but if it's a holiday don't expect don't

come here yeah um because that'd be great right i would love some of that what what what we think

i mean i guess i'm just got gas stations bro maybe some bars bars are always just so loud

i don't like calling bars you know oh yeah i don't call bars bars always suck always always

bad bad terrible circle what's the letter k and then we'll look in this town here same time where

we're calling earlier all right let's have a let's do the fight who's gonna do uh dwight it's your

Your turn, by the way. Brad, do you want to open it up

with a customer service

spiel? You're so good at getting them on.

And Dwight, are you there? Report, sir.

Dwight? Penis.

Can you do a call? Can you stop playing GTA 5 for a little

bit and do a call? Yeah, sure.

Okay, cool. Alright, man.

I don't mean to bother you or nothing, you know.

That's what they should do in GTA 5

is at midnight on New Year's

just fire off fireworks all over the fucking place

in that game. That'd be awesome.

Yeah, yeah. A fucking game.

Anyway, look. Here we go.

and playing that uh that uh group you were talking about dom pretty cool stuff i was listening to it

today um hello this is steve dave from the corporate office and i'm calling to do the

weekly customer survey do you have a customer in there i could speak with and just do a quick

survey with them there's no customers in there oh what about like outside is there any about to

come in what she's like that fucking lady was lazy holy shit was that circle k that was circle k i'm

back what happened they uh gave you shit she just said like really erotically oh god all right here's

a different one dwight you're still on deck we get one-sided audio again fuck did you say something

circle k this is jazz how can i help you hey jazz this is um steve day from the corporate

office with circle k hi hi i'm just calling to do the weekly customer survey do you have a

customer in there i could speak with just do a quick survey with them free drink coupon hi who's

this hey this is melissa who am i speaking with uh this is steve day from the corporate office

with circle k i'm calling to do the weekly customer survey we don't do that here oh yes

Yes, we do. We just started. We used to do it on the back of the receipts, and people weren't filling those out.

So now we just call in, like, once per shift per month.

We don't have those here. I've been here for six months.

I know. It probably just happened not on your shift. We usually do them in the daytime, but we're behind because of the new year.

Can I call back in, like, an hour? I have to call the manager.

Uh, no. No. You know what? Fuck you. Put a customer on, you stupid hoe.

Bitch.

You said F you. Put a customer on, you stupid hoe.

I said fuck. I said the fuck word. I didn't say F you. I ain't no pussy.

trying to like get money or something no no i just want to do a survey it's for the corporate office

okay have a nice day asshole trying to get money how would you get money from a survey

get the customer to give you their credit card yeah yeah uh let's try that hackers

yeah let's do that yeah hey we can take your payment over the phone right now

dude i see back in the late 90s i used to do pranks with my ex-girlfriend and we

We were calling.

We were straight up cold call, 2 in the morning, random numbers locally.

And I would say, yeah, I'm with the power company, and I'm on my way now to turn your lights off because you haven't paid.

And several times, people were like, I'll make a payment right now.

What do I got to do?

They were like, yeah.

It's just like 98, 99.

I was like, God, the power that I have here.

I was always scared to do that.

But there was this one old guy who I convinced to go and do a – I didn't get the money, but I convinced him to go down to the money wire transfer.

What's that company called?

Western Union.

Western Union, yeah.

I got him to go down there, but I never gave him the correct info.

He never probably would have been able to do it.

Yeah, anyway, look, guys, prank call.

Here's another Circle K.

We're going to do this.

Dwight, we're going to get you on, man.

It's going to work this time.

I'm sure of it.

I'm sure.

Dwight, what are you doing over there, man?

You sound kind of, you know.

Thank you for calling Circle K 1364.

It's Lori.

How may I help you?

Hey, Lori.

This is Steve Dave from the corporate office with Circle K.

Just calling to do the weekly customer survey.

Do you have a customer that I could speak with?

Do a quick survey?

No, we don't do any kind of anything over the phone, sweetheart.

Oh, no, you have to now.

Like, we just started.

I didn't receive any notice from anybody in my market manager or anything like that,

And I'm not doing anything until I hear it from her.

Well, listen here, Lori, you motherfucker.

We're starting tonight.

I'm notifying you right now.

We're doing a survey.

Let me call my market manager and verify it for you.

You can keep the customer on the phone right now.

What's your name?

This is Roy, Jerbel, Steve, Dave.

I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you.

What?

You heard me.

Come on.

Just put a customer on the phone.

You don't have to do all this.

No, I will not do that.

Let me call my market manager.

What's your number?

I'll have her call you.

Look on your caller ID, dummy.

Oh, yeah, now I know you're not from corporate.

Goodbye.

We're the hackers.

That's what did it to the dummy.

We're the computer hackers.

Stealer guys.

We're Stealer hackers.

We hacked your phone.

You can't hang up.

We hack your Steals.

We're hacking your gas tanks.

Is she picking back up?

She can't.

She can't clear the line.

So there she goes.

She got it.

Circle K, this is in a different town now

Different part of the country

These people are onto us here in this town

The general manager did a good job in this area

Which time zone is this?

This is Pacifico

Your time zone

Just look at your clock

Just look on your calendar

My calendar says 2016

Hey, this is Carl from the corporate office with Circle K

I was calling to do the weekly customer survey

Do you have a customer that I can speak with?

Let's do a quick survey

Oh, there's nobody in there?

yeah there is one person right now oh okay that's perfect we just need to do a quick survey with

them it'll just take a just just a minute and they get a free drink out of it okay let me ask

him if he's willing oh you have to tell him here you go dwight i think sure why not all right hold

on just a second thank you sure why not just a little electricity through the phone i want to

knock over your phone hello hey how you doing there uh my name is hank i'm calling from circle

okay corporate here we're going to do a quick customer survey and uh with you doing the survey

here we're going to give you a 25 gift card for completing the survey hey awesome all right

what was your first name albert albert all right albert uh how often do you come to this location

this particular one uh maybe two or three times a week because it's right by my work

two to three okay great uh and what do you what do you normally purchase when you come in uh is

Is it food products, the already-made food products, sodas?

What would you say you purchase mostly?

I don't buy – I have an electric car, so I don't buy gas.

So I just swing by and I get sugar-free Red Bull, bubble gum, chips, but

usually sugar-free Red Bull.

Now, have they offered you the plug-in service?

We do let you plug in your vehicles outside to recharge the electric vehicles.

I had never heard about that.

Oh, yes, yes.

In the front, actually, where you park the cars right there in front of the store,

instead of pulling to the pumps, there's actually

outlets where you can actually plug your cars in

in emergency, you know, in cases

of emergency.

You should ask the cashier about

that. He should be able to provide that information to you

because that is a service. We're trying

to go more green.

Let me see here.

It appears

that we have everything

we need for the server. We're going to give you the $25

gift card. Do you need some

Procolactics for tonight?

tonight do you need some condoms for your new year celebrations uh would hope so but i don't

think so okay we're gonna go ahead and give you two packs of the trojan do you need the

uh the big ones or you just go with the regulars uh well i always get the magnums the magnums okay

they're a little more expensive but i think we can go ahead and swing that uh let me go ahead

and have the uh the person that's registered okay cool all right uh then he just fucking hangs up

He didn't understand.

We will call back.

Don't worry.

This is 76.

This is Randy.

Hey, Randy.

We got hung up on here.

The gentleman, he completed the survey.

So we go ahead and he's qualified for a $25 Circle K gift card as well as two packs of

condoms of his choosing because we don't know what is his preferences for the celebration

for New Year's.

Okay.

So he's entitled to that for completing the survey.

All right.

So go ahead and get him set up and send him out the door.

Okay, and what was the drink?

I'm sorry?

What was the first thing?

Oh, a $25 Circle K gift card.

Oh, okay. We don't have any of those right now here.

You have no gift cards available?

Not unless they're in the office and the owners are not going to be here until tomorrow morning.

Until tomorrow morning.

Okay, well just go ahead and take $25 out of your own pocket and then write a note for the owners to reimburse you.

No, I'm not going to do that.

Well, I think you should do it because I'm from a corporate.

Well, I'm not going to do that out of my own pocket, no.

know well you just have to write an iou and then the owners will pay you in the morning

oh man i'm fucking doing that piece of shit you know i'm a little concerned here i'm just

remembering now um back in 2009 let's say um i was on my lunch break at work and it was a saturday

and i drove to one of the gas station that was closest which was in the ghetto and i bought my

My usual two growler cans of Steel Reserve.

Matt, you can relate with me here.

Yes.

To be able to get drunk as fast as I could on my break.

And there was a lady standing there inside the store.

And she asked me, do you like cigars?

Hispanic lady.

And I said, yeah.

And she goes, oh, cool.

You want some free cigars?

I'm like, okay, sure.

so i'm thinking she's like maybe it's like some corporate uh promoting promotion kind of check and

she's just yeah she offers you free cigars so she's like okay so she's just some dude

so listen listen matt i need you i need you okay i'm sorry i'm sorry i apologize no no

because you're kind of street smart and dom is okay and brad's a convicted felon and dwight is

dwight we're all pretty hard here yeah yeah so we're hardcore i'm a real nigga yeah i'm a real

nigga so do you tell me what you think all right so then all right i get this i get to the to check

out to get my beer and she butts she just says on the side say hey yeah she's like yeah give me one

another one of those right there i'm like whatever and she she's she pays for it all right okay

and she gives it to me like cool all right yeah promotion kind of worried she had to buy it but

okay whatever i don't think she would bring them on her own and so they're al capone sweets i don't

know if you ever seen al capone sweets i used to smoke them when i was when i was 18 19 years old

i used to buy them because they looked like blunts and i thought it was cool to go around

and look like i was smoking blunts out in the open because i thought it was cool so like it

It was spring break, and me and my homies, my roomies, and my friends from UCF, we drove

to Daytona Beach, and we were driving a strip, smoking these Al Capone sweets.

It looked like we were just smoking these big hog leg blunts.

We looked baller as fuck, you know?

And the cost would have stopped us.

We were like, no, man, these are your Al Capone sweets, man.

Yeah.

But we smoked them like they were blunts.

You know what I mean?

You hold them with two fingers.

Yeah.

Obviously, you're trying to, yeah.

So that's a whole different story.

Anyway, so I'm like, all right, cool, thanks.

And I walk in, I said, oh, I need to take a picture.

She pulls out a Blackberry, and she says that she needed to take a picture of me with it in my mouth in order to take it.

I know.

So I said, and I did it.

I did it.

She had it open for me already.

She handed me the sweet, the cigar, the cigarillo.

And I put it in my mouth, and I did a thumbs up.

Like, yeah, sure, whatever.

but not the last time and she took out this phone again this is oh nine so i mean it was a beginning

of a smartphone first time you did pcp but not the last time yeah no no nothing happened to me

nothing happened to me i went back to work i was drawn but i wasn't i wasn't like yeah she took a

picture of me with it i did a thumbs up you know and then she that was it so to this day i wonder

was she trying to like get me on something like was she what was that about yeah it was so shady

i don't know what the like like her come up would be like like find this motherfucker he's a big

corporate and i got him in the hood smoking blunts or like or like that's just her fetish

and she did that outside by the way she waited till i got outside and said hey i know you gotta

do this and i thought about i was gonna give it back to her but i was taken aback by the situation

and i was felt a little compromised like intriguing glitch in the matrix he should

like just weird like exploitable like really on a saturday you know it was like a dead saturday

you know like i was working and it was dead and i was probably really high like you and the stupid

canadian geese and nothing else like around the corporate park yeah weird right weird i i just

it does not seem like it was an actual

corporate promotion it seems like

some weird shady fucking shit

that I don't know what

where I turned up

with like find this man who was

smoking marijuana blunt and he's the murderer

this is our guy you know

I have no idea

I think she planned wrong

you're supposed to smoke

the one with the completion

she had the second one with the

fish hook in it and when it got

had your mouth she was gonna hook you no she bought it from behind the counter it was a fresh

pack but i'm saying while you were smoking the whole first one she was she was hooking up the

second one was wearing a t-shirt that said corporate office and sharpie sharpie a white

wife beater and it's a corporate office oh man that's one of my that show i don't know if you

remember a show on comedy central called uh what what it was like a prank show what the fuck was

that show trigger happy tell me happy tv was awesome yeah it was good it was good it's pretty

funny i'm on youtube there's this one guy yeah i think his name is minor tariq minor a comedian

uh a black dude and he had and i've used this as a prank idea several times he was out there

at a in front of a liquor store with a wife beater and it said valet on it in sharpie

And he goes up to this white dude who had just parked and said, oh, hello, customer.

But we have liquor store now has valet parking.

If you could give me your keys, I'll be happy to park your car.

And he's like, nah, nah, I'm good.

Did he fall for it?

No, he didn't.

He just walked in the store and was like, whatever.

But I've called Starbucks before and been like, yeah, this is the black guy that works there.

he was out there and he said he was the valet for starbucks and he took my keys and i'm

i had to walk to work what the fuck and it was like i've had several to be like

oh i haven't one guy was like this lady was like oh my god yes sir you need to call the police

because we do not do valet parking here like that is a false one yeah and why would the guy

it's funny because the dude is he's getting offered valet parking after he's already parked

this car it's like no i'm good man even if he fell for it but it's just it was just funny because

you think black guy out there obviously trying to dress a dumb dude trying to steal a fucking car

i used to go to one leger store in the hood that always had fucking handouts speaking of

the lady with the blunts like they'd always like be broads there was shots like all the time it

It was fucking great.

All right.

Shot.

All right.

Hey, yeah, Trigger Happy TV, Free Keebo in the IRC room saying it was funny as fuck.

I don't think it was a very underrated show.

I think a channel called Dead Parrot on YouTube has them all.

Really?

Very underrated.

I'll see it.

I'll put it in the chat.

Yeah.

But look for the Miner.

I think his first name is Tariq, but Miner.

He's a very, I've seen him in other stuff.

Dude is funny.

I hope he blows up one day, man.

But the guy that did that episode, it's really funny.

Check that out.

i would have to find what episode it is um hey do you guys remember real quick we gotta do more

pranks man but do you guys remember at some point 97 through 98 i would say maybe 96 through 98

there was a there were a lot at least from where i live there were a lot of infomercials

for a vhs tape a prank vhs tape it was some some dudes out of europe it looked like and yeah they

They had, like, a prank tape, and they kept hawking.

It's like some Just for Laughs type, like, oh, yeah, yeah.

Is that?

Can I talk?

Oh, it said the chat's disabled.

I just tried to put it in there.

I did, because the haters were there, and they were being bitches.

Oh, okay.

Misinforming the fans, saying that this and that.

Okay, well, here's the best of, like, if you could get it out.

I just turned it off, man.

Somebody can put that out in the other chat.

that um hey listen if if anyone out there wants to prank and not be a bitch you can go to discord.gg

slash pranks you can go to the irc chat over at prankdose.com or if you're a patreon supporter

on the horse level you can join the madhouse uh hijinks but other than that i just once it gets

out of hand in there i feel you man i wouldn't i wouldn't pay that much attention to it i was just

yeah it's a group of wankers out there and even me talking about it now defeats the purpose so

i i know i blame myself yeah no it's not your fault dude you always want to say that because

you think you brought that element in here no dude it's just a consequence of us being

good at what we do that's all it is dude yeah take that take that haters haters

we're gonna go so rick ross on these dude we had a good 2017 i got back into the game uh we've got

got some really funny shit what calls it mass confusion yeah i didn't go to jail yes let's hear

i like that part of 2017 that's great dude that whole thing was something man that was big that's

that's got to be like the big news of 2017 well you had it go through man yeah i'm just happy

that you're still because if that would have happened to me i would have been like fuck this

like you know that's it that's it that's it you'd be in a cabin i'm gonna just yeah just

It's me and my wife now.

Yeah.

She wouldn't let me.

What's that, buddy?

You like the music?

The music you're playing is so fucking dope right now.

It is.

Flow Fizz.

This is the Flow Fizz.

Flow Fizz?

Flow Fizz.

I want to say Flow Filed.

Flow Files.

Flow Fills.

Jesus Christ.

I'm going to say Flow Bot.

This is a live set of his.

I got to stop drinking, dude.

I'm really funny.

We're going to end up having to have Brad take over.

All right.

we gotta do pranks though i got more stories to talk about coming up and then when everybody else

runs those stories i got stories for the rest of the hour

fucking story mode all right so we got 2017 wasn't that much better than 2016

uh well at least like we didn't lose any prince level people this like that like that last year

i guess we should say this last year for you guys still um you know what i'm saying uh katie

caseland we have no information his cell phone is disconnected i tried to call the cell phone

number i had for him for years and it's not working i i don't know i don't know what we

should do if we have any connecticut fans out there who maybe want to take a trip out to danbury

and knock on his door and say listen this is a concerned uh this is a concerned uh what do you

call when you send the cops out to check on someone who's suicidal welfare check like we did

on fucking with a good bob and zacks welfare check on uh on you mr dave uh this comes from

carlito and also bright carter and the phone losers they would be told me several times

call off the phone losers carlito like dude come on man yeah his own fault he's like fucking with

with me like publicly for no fucking reason i'll look him up though like i'll i'll see what i can

do maybe i can track down and say hi to him first thing we gotta check is the hospitals yeah i would

say graveyards and morgues first oh hey tourette's tv guy keeps wanting to come in this group is that

cool i don't know who that is who is that okay i don't know who that is that is we can hold it to

a vote like the prank yeah yeah let's i did a request and dedication on my show today he did

all right put him in put him in motherfucker okay cool yeah it was a sad story and all these so many

people good he's a he's a good egg worse it happens we disconnect them right and that's it

yeah yeah and we dox them right that's what we do here that's what we do that's the kind of

niggas we are that was a soft n-word i get one of those a month so that's my one for january

oh wait wait uh no it's still it hasn't turned midnight here and your i heard it here yeah we

got another countdown we got another countdown for that a quick music break real quick uh for

chicago all our friends out there are you too matt hillock you got a big celebrity you got

some moette yourself you're gonna what are you gonna have a beer i'm just i'm just yeah i've

been drinking beer all day buddy matt can i convince you to do a beer enema one day

why just for shit kinky man literally uh i mean just dude like on the air

on the air yeah it's such an to be such an ordeal like sure if ever you have a big enough studio

to like bring me in to like make this easily done and happily do it you know if we ever get

get that big we're gonna fly mad in somewhere one of our shows i'm saying i'd be i'd be more than

it's not like a shame thing it's like a logistic issue dude we gotta do a chicago meetup one day

dude because we can get you we've been talking about that for a minute man you we got i'm not

i won't do it without brad and i won't do it without milkman that's the rules yeah sorry

how's it gonna go to chicago oh come on you got you got peeps out there man yeah yeah come on

do you have no excuse yeah we'll get jayad and dwight said they drive out there too there you go

six months i have an excuse i can't leave uh you can't leave yeah well no they'd let me if i really

needed to but no they like yeah yeah i'm like an eight month probation thing but tell them what's

your business i'm like oh you think you're going on some fucking pleasure cruise over here yeah

you know the motherfuckers that watch us are gonna we'll call we'll write you out in a second

It was in Chicago.

I got recordings of it.

We were talking about this was not business.

This was definitely pleasure.

See, I act like I hate it, yet I listen to it and try to destroy it.

He was consorting with other phone terrorists.

It don't matter.

Nobody wants to go to Chicago in the fucking wintertime anyway.

Oh, my God.

Dude, my uncle wanted me to go out there one year.

I was like, fuck that.

He was at their Navy Pier on New Year's Eve, freezing his dick off.

Dude, I imagine he was all full of Goji berry juice.

That's on the other side of the family.

They're not the Goji berry side.

Come on some prank calls.

Come on.

Dwight, did he get through?

Did he do a call?

Was that a call?

I forgot.

I said, motherfucker, you.

Let me do this one here.

This is a Circle K motel.

Let's rule a few things.

Let's see if they pick up.

this would be stupid this would be quick and stupid it's good yeah like the old days man

like the brill building good old days for the real one yeah remember that time i hit you with

that record on the head brad fucking knocked you out for a week that was a bummer i love that prick

Juggy Gales

Frank Sinatra and him were jerking each other off

Under the mixing boards

Oh my god

I hit you on the head with a record

Why would he

And knock them out for a week

I'm gonna have to play that at some point

i'll tell you what i'll tell you what uh dom moette rosé and uh some uh vodka cranberry

that's a good combination

my wife called me a faggot because she said i'm drinking cosmopolitans i'm like no i'm

drinking vodka cranberry bitch i said like that and i threw it in her face

oh did you back in here that we it's like that one time we almost called the domestic on

cool rob well there why we just decided to hang up remember that right

what we were like hey maybe we should broadcast this

it's like there's gonna be police activity

isn't

Kurob the dude why Dwight why did he

hate you so much what was that about

I don't know

I blame

it mostly on him he used to just

fly off the handle for no reason

and so like I would just

like to fucking aggravate him

it's not hard to do

you know it's like it's like us

winding up Jihad when he's trying to set up

COMC but anytime

yeah

Alright Circle K again

I mean I don't know

It's your job to keep me in check

You got champagne at 7-Eleven

I bought champagne

We don't mind

My Moet

We don't mind

Wherever we go we keep monkey

With us

I bought Corbel at a 7-Eleven once in Orlando

On New Year's Eve

But you're gonna get your dick wet

That night

i broke her sliding glass door i left super drunk off my ass at midnight like the worst time to be

driving around drunk is probably new year's eve and i fucking yeah i mean i was belligerent about

I was like, fuck this, fuck, fucking bitch.

And I did get my dick wet, let's just say.

It wasn't with my girlfriend.

It was with the blood.

I went home, and I got on that AOL messenger and that ICQ, and I hooked it up.

That's all I got to say.

I hit up one of my side bitches, and yeah.

You'd be surprised how much blood comes out of a carotid artery in your thigh.

Where you at, man?

It's a great loop.

i've been here squares who's next to our prank call who's next brad you've been helping out

you can take a reprieve don oh there's a rain brad wait wait wait wait do i just have this

today or do i have this from some other day carlito i have a number right here that says

jet phone explain fake police where are we calling oh no we were calling jet crabs today

jet crab jet crab crab's not jet phone okay yeah you're way off guy whoever sent that to you can

suck a dick all right oh no no no it's a number i've saved i was looking through my shit what's

wrong hey yes sir here's yeah i just called a planet fitness and she picked up she's there

oh you got a number for me all right cool yeah well yeah as long as we can all hear it we can

grow with it dude i don't yeah if you can help me out because i'm a little teetered i'm doing it

all right i'm just stop my music when i hear that here we go planet fitness everybody yeah

We gotta do, like, a lunk alarm for the New Year's, you know?

Oh, that's if you got to go off right on time.

I bet I could get him to do a lunk alarm for New Year's.

Didn't connect?

Did they pick up in here?

Weird.

Did they pick up in here, Matt, Matthew?

I'm sorry.

No, it's okay.

Wait, is that it?

Is that me?

Is it ringing?

Is that Carlito?

That's not negative content.

Thanks for calling Planet Fitness.

No, this is Seth.

How may I help you?

Hey, Seth.

This is Roy from the corporate office with Planet Fitness.

Yes, sir.

And we know, were you having computer issues?

We noticed the Lunk Alarm reports aren't coming through.

I just arrived, and I have not heard of any problems.

They didn't leave me a note about that.

Oh, okay, because we haven't received anything in about the past, I don't know, like, it

looks like about six hours.

Are you still there?

Hello?

I'm not calling anybody.

I heard a ring.

I did, too.

I don't know where that came from.

There's none.

I don't know, either, but I'm scared.

That was definitely blank audio.

I heard the doot doot.

Oh no, that was your hang up.

Are you sure that's not yours, Brad?

I think that was Dom.

Just pretending to be Planet Fitness and fooling us.

Yeah, I was just doing the ringing with my mouth.

Dom, but why?

Come on, you're like the dude from Police Academy.

The colored guy.

He's not this Jones.

Mortar Mouth Jones.

You're like Mortar Mouth Jones.

so brad i thought you had a number come on what's going on oh i'll try again all right i don't know

what happened though like it's just that was weird we're gonna end up going right through

years in your butt oh well this is uh this is uh east east uh eastern time zone maybe i should be

calling the middle of time zone like this quick one quick one the center center one you should

snap out of what do you say quick jet phone i thought that was something like jet crabs i mean

I mean, there's jet in both of them.

This one isn't picking up.

Let me try a central time zone, though, because, you know, it's almost time for that.

I don't think you get to eat.

I don't know where they would.

Jet.

I don't know.

I think you get to eat pizza tonight and drink.

How can I help you?

Hey, Wendy, this is Steve Day from the corporate office with Planet Fitness.

Yes.

Hey there.

Were you having problems with your computer there?

We noticed we haven't gotten any of the Lunk Alarm reports come in for, like, the past shift.

Okay, I am fairly new here.

My name is Juanita.

Oh, that's perfect.

I have no idea, to be honest with you.

You said something was wrong with the computer?

Yeah, well, it's the computer that runs the Lunk Alarm.

Like, is your Lunk Alarm working?

Because I think we're going to need to do a quick reset of the system.

Okay, let me try.

Let me try.

Okay, let's hear it.

Let me try using it now.

I just left the lady's locker room.

Have you had to use it today?

no uh when's the last time you had to use it this um i haven't used it that this ship i came in at

10 have you ever used it and it's only yes i used i used it before what'd they do when you had to

use it like what kind of stuff do they do the hunk alarm is that when the when they grab a machine

yeah you have to yeah the alarm is that what you're talking about yeah the hunk alarm okay

hold on let me it's it's it's working okay yeah but it's not the reports aren't coming through

in the computer, we're going to have to reset it.

Is there any way you could, like it's on a

switch, right? You don't have to hold down the button?

No, it's almost like a light switch.

Yeah, we just have to leave it on.

It looks like, what time is it there?

It's 11.56.

11.56.

We're going to have to do

the reset, the reboot

sequence. It's going to take about four minutes.

Okay.

You have to turn it on and leave it on and just let it

run until the computer does the reset

mode. Oh my gosh.

yeah it'll turn itself off it's fine people there's only like two people yeah they're used

to it they're they're probably they're probably lungs anyway okay chances are you probably would

have had to use it so you want me to keep it on for just tell me when yeah just turn it on right

now i'm i'm i'm pushing the buttons on this end and just leave it on for at least four minutes

and and four minutes yeah four minutes all right here we go hopefully it doesn't burn out and

catch on fire before new year's you know you know hello yeah yeah yeah you know hopefully

Hopefully it doesn't burn out before the New Year's is started.

Are you having a good New Year's Eve?

I can't, I'm sorry, I can't hardly hear you.

What was that?

Are you having a good New Year's Eve?

Oh, yes, yes.

That's good.

I'm bringing it in good with a new job, a new start, and a new healthy diet, but I've

been doing that before the New Year.

Yeah, fuck yeah.

Uh-oh, I hear the frequency's going a little bit lower.

This could be problematic.

Uh-oh.

Yeah, yeah.

You don't smell smoke, do you?

Okay.

Okay, is anybody looking angrily in your direction?

Sure, your titties.

Anybody what again?

Looking angrily in your direction.

No.

Good, good.

We don't want that.

Somebody kind of just turned his head for a second.

I just gave him an okay sign.

Oh, no.

Give him the flipping the bird sign.

Uh-uh.

No, no.

Don't give me those, guys.

Customer,

what i do we're almost there

did you hear that ma'am yes oh the answer is yes okay it looks like we're halfway there

No, I didn't. I hear a bubbling. I didn't actually hear anything. I'm sorry. It's an alarm.

Oh, no, it's okay. Yeah, we're just ringing in the new year. How many minutes until midnight?

I'm sure it's midnight almost there.

One minute.

Oh, it's ramping up. Any second, it's going to go.

The freeway is going on.

Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, crap. I think New Year's is ruined. What happened? Did it turn off?

Yeah, it turned off.

I think it may have overheated.

Darn, we were so close.

Heated?

Yeah.

Yeah, how many minutes till midnight?

Carlito, how are we doing on the time?

Yeah, so we're less than 60 seconds.

I bet it.

Oh, man.

Maybe if we wait a second and then do it again.

Is there any customers nearby that we could talk to on the phone for a quick survey?

Yeah, for the weekly customer survey.

It's a thing we do.

It's totally legit.

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year, bro.

Happy New Year.

Congrats, guys.

it's only two guys actually i think the other guy no there's two guys and they both

in their workout like maybe are they buff are they buff but not judged we don't judge i don't

know yeah but you know like okay like is the lunk alarm working again yet like maybe you could give

me like two two lunk alarm sounds for yes he's really buff and one for no i totally would never

fuck that guy i'm gonna transfer to matt matt's gonna walk you through the new year he needs to

tell you happy new year somebody does oh hey you at the planet fitness there how does it feel

bringing the alarm there dummy how's that you just broke your alarm into your new job

you're probably getting in trouble yeah we're hackers we just wanted you to burn out the alarm

We're not the corporate office

We're the internet

We're the internets

Happy New Year

I would say you did not answer the phone

Happy New Year 2018

Losing your job

You get fired on your day off

As I always say work is for suckers

Happy New Year

Remember Ghostbusters when they jumped in

And said Happy New Year

Ghostbusters 2

Congrats guys

Yeah that Ghostbusters 2

20 years are you there honey all right hey yes i think it sounds she disconnected there brad but

i don't have control of the machine you do yeah it sucks because like i don't know we were so close

we're like a minute away from the new year's yeah we're gonna ring it in with the alarm i love how

we yeah i love how they ramp up right right before they die i don't notice that but they

ramp up for yeah yeah i i proved we proved that a while a year ago more than that when

they always go

it's like their last gasp

before they die

I'm sure there's something with the mechanics

I always have about cell phones

when they die

old cell phones why would they

beep loud when they were dying

you know how I feel

Brad and you let me know and the rest of you guys

let me know how you feel

this is Lunk Alarm first of all

it's a form of discrimination

whether or not it's against a group of asshole

people who are Lunk

Carlito you're wrong it's a judgment free zone

no but yeah I know

that's what they say but they're hypocrites

I think that's the stupidest fucking

thing I've ever heard of honestly

yeah they're hypocrites

but whatever whatever works for them

but I'll tell you what that

alarm there is way

against regulation code you're

hurting people's hearing if you're

turning that on for a long

extended part of time I'm serious

I mean if that was a job

job site you would have to wear you if that was a job set you would have to your earplugs or ear

cover you know what i mean but for sure bullshit the whole thing yeah it's a fucking tornado siren

it's they're all in there there's a judgment free zone hey you drop those weights a little

too much or i'm gonna judge you we're gonna fuck up your hearing now asshole yeah you know

so i think we're doing we're doing the right thing by burning these things out whenever we

we get a chance to i mean yeah do you think after they cool down though do you think they start

working again no they don't we proved that already we've called back like a week later they're like

yeah it's still down like oh yeah well we'll get that replacement out to you yeah i've done that

i've done that because i've called them one week on the show and burned it out and said yeah we'll

get a replacement part out to you and i've called back and they've been like no we still haven't

gotten a replacement like oh yeah well we'll get it out to you i've yeah no it burns out the

brushes we even got someone someone i forget who it was to explain the science behind it milkman

yeah milkman it's his brushes in there and they burn out and that's it that's it

i think our mission should be to rid the world of luck alarm it should be

fucking shit yeah how does that work how do brushes do that i don't know

what was it at brad where did you find them when it was open where was that like in vegas

guess or something oh what that that one i just called yeah yeah well the first the first one i

called was in tennessee that one was in illinois so that was you know central time zone so that

was that she rang in the new year doing that yeah yeah and she is a guy i think she rang in like a

couple minutes before the new year and then can we try to call back and see if we can uh she won't

now well maybe she's that dumb brad so see if you can get her to i always wanted to see if i could

get it where i can get them to uh redo the breakers while people are working out and and

and cause the machines to shut down, so they

go flying off

the... But I've had

them shut down breakers, but they never

get the ones that handle the

treadmills and such.

Carl, you've never heard one...

Never mind. They wouldn't go flying off.

They're going forward. They would just

go forward. But wouldn't they fall?

Fall into the shit.

They would fall, right?

I have a call

with... What's his name? Tamagotchi?

Yeah. The dude that

it that he like he did for hours with 24 hour fit to like going through levels security to get the

the people and shit and then like afterwards i got to yell at the lady i got it on my youtube

he got the people that while they were working out to yeah well i was and she's like oh my god

is he on are there people on the floor go look oh my god

he had told me that he had done it at some point and ever since i've been trying to do it i never

get i've never been successful this is um again we haven't did she never confirmed she keeps asking

if they are and i keep saying that they are you know and there's a lot of commotion in the

the background all right can you give me a time stamp or what where should i go uh it's it's

i i yeah that's like i like like he transferred me to them i was the manager i was it's two

minutes after they turned off the break it's not long it's not long let's play let's play

it real quick let's regroup i can go pee real quick all right we'll be right back

hello hello how are you today

day yeah you are one stupid fucking broad just turn it off breakers to a voice on the end of the

line there's people on the crowd right now because you're so fucking stupid you're so stupid you're

gonna get fired you're such a dumb broad oh my god oh i fucking love you you ding that what is

Are you really talking to me like this?

Yeah, I think I could easily trick you into blowing me in the shitter.

You're so fucking dumb.

Hey, go look at the people on the ground that fell off the fucking treadmills.

Go out and look at them.

Who are you?

I'm Matt fucking Hillock.

Go out and look at the people.

Go out and look at them.

Look at the treadmill.

Is there people falling off a treadmill?

this guy is being a jackass to me on the phone

he's talking to me like this

you're stupid what do people do

what gives you the right to talk to me like this

we're calling you for help

you're supposed to be a service for us

people fall

hang up and I'm going to have my district manager

call y'all

you are not to talk to me like this

I don't know who you are and what you think

gives you the right to call me a dumb broad

you are a dumb broad

Jesus Christ

if it looks like a duck

Hey, hey, hey, sir, sir, sir, sir, sir, sir, you need to stop.

This is not, this is not acceptable.

This is very unprofessional.

Fuck you, you boy.

Jesus Christ, you people are stupid.

This is a joke.

What company do you even work for?

I don't work for any company.

We're pranking you.

Because we're pranking you.

This is funny.

You're stupid.

I'm telling you.

This is a joke.

The police now have your phone number

And it'll be

They don't

Jesus Christ

That's

Possibly a Skype number

Yeah there you go

Alright

Here's another Circle K

I decided

You know fuck that whole

We're gonna take a musical

to go fucking bullshit, break everything.

Hi, this is Circle K. How can I help you?

Yeah, hi, Circle K. This is Carl. I'm calling from the

corporate office. We're looking to do a survey.

There are our monthly customer

surveys. Is there someone that can get on the

line here for that? They will receive a $20

gift card via email.

Come on. What was your name again?

I'm going to have to text you through to my manager,

Roy, okay? Because I don't have time for this.

I got a lot of shit I got to do. Hello, Roy?

Hello, this is Roy. How can I help you, sir?

Sir, hello? How can I help you?

I got a call from... Oh, and you didn't put a customer

on you're supposed to put a customer on it's the weekly customer survey oh are there any outside

coming in no okay i'm gonna have to transfer you to uh my supervisor um just a minute hello

hello how you doing there this is blake i'm the supervisor on duty i can help you called me and

asked to do a survey oh yeah yeah we do the weekly customer surveys yes that's correct yeah i haven't

heard of this so let me just talk to my manager really oh yeah it's a quality control service

that we're doing we're checking in on all the locations to make sure that they're providing

an excellent customer service one second hey deandre that told them um i would take their

number and have juvie call them back and they said no they can't do that so they like um need

to talk to a supervisor or something so i'm not sure what i should do here i think okay thanks

deandre okay excuse me what did that person say okay never please never call this story

fuck you he's a caller don't listen you should have got his number right call let's go i'm gonna

gonna call back and say hey we need to get his number and we'll give it out over there we'll

give it out over there i don't give a shit because i don't got time to be hitting buttons

and muting shit and all that shit discord's yelling at me because i didn't play the pussy

music for the whole yeah pussy music oh is that is that called oh it's true though silly all right

fuck this he ain't gonna pick up he said never call again he means it uh here here's a different

for circle k guys circle k one of brad brad you used to work for you worked for circle k and also

for 7-eleven yeah like several times who was who was it better to work for um i don't know i like

circle k because it's from bill and ted okay who had better products they're like brighter and

cleaner and i don't know 7-eleven's like all just depressing but 7-eleven has better products now

these days 7-eleven has them tight they got their game up tight though man they got their suit

Dude, because it's a Japanese company now, you know?

Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah, they own, they run it, and they push, because the Japanese 7-Elevens are, like, second level, dude.

Third, fourth, fifth level over the United States, dude.

They're so 7-Elevens, get out of here.

And they're starting to bring that shit here now.

They're doing some really good stuff.

It's a very progressive company.

If I were you, I'd invest in 7-Elevens.

Did you hear 7-Elevens are going to be doing home delivery?

Like, by the end of 2018, most of them are going to be doing home delivery.

There you go.

Yep.

See what I mean?

It's exciting.

They'll probably get some good burgers.

Going to order me some M&M's.

Circle K, everybody.

We got more alarm callers.

Thank you for calling Circle K.

This is Jen.

How can I help you?

Hi, Jen.

This is Cross.

I'm with the corporate office here with Circle K.

I'm looking to do our monthly customer survey.

Is there a customer available I can speak with?

I'm actually on my 10-minute break right now, so I had to close the store.

You had to close the store?

So there's no one in the store for 10 minutes.

I'm making a notice because that's crazy.

Do you regularly have to do this?

Take a 10-minute break.

Well, that's fine.

You can take the 10-minute breaks per law.

But do you usually have to close the store for your 10-minute break?

Well, there's no one here until 11 o'clock.

How often does this happen?

Why do they leave you alone there like that?

Because, I don't know, we're short on hours, I guess.

Oh, my goodness.

That is not acceptable.

How do you feel?

How are things going there right now?

Are you being abused?

Huh?

are you being abused abused well just like are they taking advantage of you do they run you down

i mean are they stressing you out be honest with me it's okay you can be honest you're not going

to get in trouble i'm writing it down okay well i mean i don't really not to not to be the type

person but i just i don't really know who you are to be like giving out sort of this sort of

information you know what i'm saying oh i'll get with you to my supervisor i'm with the corporate

office and and there's no reason they should be doing this to you making you have to shut down

in the store and all that i mean they should be there somewhere someone with they're helping you

all the time i'm gonna put you through to my supervisor because that's ridiculous here's

roy i'm gonna trash you through right now roy and he'll help you out okay okay all right just a

minute thank you i'm sorry to interrupt the break oh hello ma'am this is roy hi hi are you near the

breaker box right now the breaker box yeah yeah circuit breaker box is it like in the back well

yeah because i'm on my break okay well this is perfect oh that's funny you're on your break

Breaker box.

Yeah.

I just, you know what the thing is, though, is like, I don't know who you are.

And this is the first time I've ever had this happen.

I've been here for like three years.

And I don't know if I'm supposed to be giving out information like this over the phone.

Oh, no, no.

We're not trying to get information.

We just, you know, we're having problems with the computer.

So if you could just flip all the switches and the breaker box real quick.

Hold on one second.

I'm just going to call that box real quick.

I'm sorry.

I just want to call him real quick.

Call who?

Oh, okay.

Yeah, can you put them on speaker so we can hear?

Yeah, hold on a second.

Yeah, I will.

I'm going to use my cell phone to call them.

Like I said, I'm on my break in the back.

Yeah, be more lousy that way.

Is it pretty much like nonstop customers there?

Is that why you have to shut the doors and go in the back?

Yeah, because we're 24 hours.

And it's super busy.

Obviously, it's New Year's Eve.

I would just keep the doors open.

And when people come in, just stare them down until they leave.

Yeah, we're not allowed to do that.

like just sit back there and don't move just smoke a cigarette do you smoke a cigarette back room

huh do you smoke cigarettes in the back room no we're not oh i would yeah but you know you're in

the back room nobody else is in there just do it that's what i would do we're not supposed we don't

smoke well i don't smoke and i don't think we're supposed to smoke in the store uh i would start

smoking just for rebellion purposes that's great uh hold on i'm just calling right now it's ringing

okay I don't hear it ringing weird well no because I didn't put it on speaker

yet I was gonna put on speaker when he answered there's no point in putting on

speaker if he's not answering you know I'm saying yeah I know what you're

saying is this your manager or the district manager my manager hey well

while we're waiting for him to pick up can we flip all the switches I can't do

that I just don't know if I'm supposed to turn off all the power in the whole

store that resets our whole like our registers and everything else I haven't

even closed then I won't be able to use a register so that's why I'm calling my

boss real quick to make sure that that's okay well we'll turn on the backup machine from this

end so none of the power will actually go out okay well can i just i just like literally we

have a five minute rule and i just want to follow all the rules before i start doing anything that

you're asking me to do like the rappy mcrapperson song yeah basically it's four two six four two

six zero and then what's the prefix what no i was calling my boss oh and what's the area code though

same area code as you okay you're just okay literally you're stressing me out right now

can i can you just wait two seconds so i can get my boss on the phone okay all right i don't want

to stress you out on your break hey can i put you on hold for one second sure i'm just gonna put

you on hold you'll just hear hold music for one second i gotta adjust myself hey hey wait he's

here hello okay i'm back okay okay um hold on one second let me put you i'm putting you on speaker

your phone so um i have this because this guy is calling me he said he's from the corporate office

and um he wants me to take like a like answer a whole bunch of questions and then he wants me to

flip all the switches off in the store like all the breaker switches off in the store

and then turn them back on do it do it you want me to do it oh he wants to know my boss wants to

know why you want him to turn it off uh tell him for the lulls because it'll be funny tell him

Is this a prank call?

Oh, no. No, I'm from the corporate office.

Because it'll be funny, sir. Because it'll be funny.

It'll be funny. Like, if all the lights go off, it'll be really funny.

It is Happy New Year.

Yeah, it's New Year's. It's like a New Year's prank.

Yay!

The corporate generator kicks in.

Yeah.

She hung up. Damn.

That's got to be the worst break she's ever had.

Ruined her break completely.

she was about to do it

she was like do it

no dude not

no

why is it funny

I am sleeping why are you calling

yeah go ahead do it let me alone

sounds like you just woke up

how are you

yes hi I'm calling from the corporate office

the generators will kick in

oh shoot

she's not having it

let's have her hook up the electrical

panels, run a wire

to the gas tank

underground, so they'll

kick in for the backup.

As if she could do that kind of work. She's a woman.

Yeah, she's a fucking broad.

Come on, man. I just picture her

like a victim there, all by herself.

Olga, could you do that?

Olga, be honest. Could you do that?

If Brad tried to walk through it?

Do what? Exactly. See?

Could I have you run

wires from your home electrical panel

to the underground gas tanks real quick?

oh yeah sure she's one of them kind of thoughts though that's it correct you could do it all

day you're awesome she's an aberration aberration i'm not uh i i don't know about that if you don't

walk you through it yeah what's up hey i posted that number of that okay am i help you hi this

is cross i'm calling from the corporate office good evening and happy new year uh happy good

for you hi we need to do the monthly customer survey do you have a customer that sounds like

one just came in. We'd like to complete the customer

survey.

No, we don't have any customers in store.

I just heard one come in. They are leaving, sir.

Alright, can we conduct a survey with you?

Who's that?

That is my trainee that I'm training for

Graveyard. And who did he call boss?

Who did he call boss?

Put your trainee on the phone,

sir. I don't need to talk to the trainee.

Put your trainer on the phone.

This is Cross with the Corporate Office.

I don't need to talk to the pissant.

Put your trainer on the phone, please.

Can I...

12-82.

12-82?

Okay, well, there are no managers on shift right now, so anybody...

No, you're a trainer.

You're a trainer.

Let's go.

Nobody from corporate would be calling this time of night.

You don't know shit.

You're a little shit.

You're a pissant in training still.

Shut the fuck up.

Put them on, asshole.

Motherfucker, you.

Have a good night.

No, fuck you.

You're fired.

Get the fuck out.

Get out of here.

Clock out and get out.

Little bitch.

He's out of here.

Out of here.

Big time out of here.

That's right.

Weiner, duh.

Take that.

big time out of here guys yeah so seriously no offense big time out of here happy new year

we'll do the pacific time new year's for a break and that's i'm not gonna be doing all these breaks

fuck that because mountain time who cares right that's my favorite part i was just i was talking

to moms about who the fuck i and there used to be mountain times on tv shows in like the 80s

they'd say like central and mountain time should dallas will be on or whatever you don't ever hear

shit about mountain time no more nobody cares about mountain time who's a mountain time las

vegas is about exactly who gets to find nobody salt lake city let's go to salt

we get drunk there new year's eve and shit oh man i'd do all right in the salt and see if it

it wasn't so hot like just the scumminess of you know it's scummy well i mean just dude

fucking scumbags live there for free you know lake city no i thought you said the salton sea

where's the salton sea what's that the salton sea the salt oh my god i know from very oh my god the

salton sea has a whole different thing with than salt lake city that's mormon town so i don't know

They're open to fucking vagrants

and shit. I don't know.

I love it.

We're sorry.

You have reached a number that has been disconnected

and we're no longer in service.

I liked it. That was nice to hear.

Oh, dude.

Brad, dude, or did any of you guys

listen to those fucking things

I was posting on the phone with Literature Group?

Those, like, old audiobooks

like about phone freaking

that were super neat.

i don't know evan doorbell yeah yeah yeah i've heard most of his stuff oh and recently some

dudes started putting them on youtube and so i started putting like little couple hours

second and stuff they're really fun oh they're fun man this is good shit i really like that

just listen to the fucking shit and you can hear this kind of switches like click click

Hey, we got to get it.

How can I make you smile?

Yeah, Circle K?

Yeah, Circle K show.

Oh, good.

I'm sorry.

I just didn't understand it first.

My name is Cross.

I'm with the corporate office.

We're looking to do our monthly survey, if possible.

Is there a customer there we can do that with?

They'll get a $20 gift certificate via email.

There's no customer in here right now.

Can we conduct a survey with you?

Okay.

All right.

I will transfer you through to my associate, Mr. Dwight McClanahan, who will conduct that survey.

One moment, please.

Mr. Dwight.

Are you there?

I'm trying to get him on.

You're going to hear some hold music for a minute, ma'am.

We'll put you on hold and he'll be right there, okay?

All right, here's Mr. Roy.

Mr. McClanahan's in the toilet.

Hey there, this is Roy from the corporate office.

I was just going to do the customer survey.

Do you have a customer in there I can speak with?

I don't know if he wants to take a survey, but I can ask him.

Oh, yeah, that'd be great.

Tell him he'll get a free drink and a free hot dog and free everything.

He's only on a 10-minute break.

He can't take it.

Oh, no.

Tell him he has to or he has to leave the store.

Take the survey.

He already left.

Yeah!

Balls.

Like, why are you this late at night?

Is this, like, a joke?

Oh, no.

It's not a joke.

It's just because of the New Year's and, you know, we're a little bit behind today.

That's all.

We usually do them on a day shift.

You're saying it's not a joke.

Oh, no.

We have a deadline or we're going to lose our job.

We're all Christians here, ma'am.

We're on a deadline or we're going to lose our job.

We've got a lot of shit we've got to do.

Well, I can take the survey.

All right.

All right. I'm going to transfer you to my supervisor. Just a minute. Here we go.

Hi.

hi hi

Hi, how are you today, ma'am?

I'm good, how are you?

I'm doing well.

How long have you been an employee with us?

I have been an employee for 90 days.

90 days?

Okay, just about to pass your probation.

Okay, so on a scale of 1 to 10,

how would you rate the cleanliness in the store?

Cleanliness.

10, we keep it clean.

Okay, you're not contracted,

you don't have a contract that comes and cleans the store for you,

you guys have to do it on your own?

Okay.

That's good.

And, okay, on a scale of 1 to 10,

how big is the biggest dick that's ever been in your asshole?

You guys got me.

me yeah i got her got her got it got him got her good hey carlito can you put can you call the

number i posted sure buddy sure let me get that uh the sex number let me see ah is that in the

skype yeah yeah in the skype here i can do this uh this is you thinking you think so okay yeah

Yeah, Planet Fitness, okay, sure.

You'll do it, I'll let you know.

Damn it, where's my...

Yay, it's my favorite one.

It's playing, it's my favorite one.

Oh, what's your favorite song?

Nice.

Brad, you gotta check out Dom and Strange Life's show, man.

It's pretty good.

It's a good show, it's a good time.

What, the Supermbras?

Yeah, they're nice little Mexican boys, too.

Thank you for calling Planet Fitness.

This is Waddy, how can I help you?

Hey, my name's Brad.

I'm a prank caller.

Remember that time I got you to set off your lunk alarm?

Wasn't that funny?

Hi, remember that time I got you to set off your

lunk alarm and it

just kind of kept going until it stopped?

Like, looking back,

do you see the humor in that? Is it a good way

to ring in the New Year's?

That's cool. I'm glad you're not

upset about it. You sound pretty awesome.

Is it working again? Yeah, I'm trying.

I don't try.

Let's test it out real quick.

We may need you to go and reset some breakers.

Is it working?

No, it's not working.

it tripped a breaker i think you need to go uh flip all the switches oh my gosh not another

break good night have a good day no it's cool i don't know if it's working or not am i we're

real this time oh man this was for true yeah we're real this time she was awesome though like

i figured she i think i think she's high as a kite yo yeah yeah she's real sniffy this

fucking new year's eve she sounds like a big black girl but she can't be right you can't

be a big person working at planet i guess you could be the best guy ever tonight she's like

whatever that fix it more it's really fucking i gotta work on new year's i'm getting out

you don't get a fuck yeah yeah if i had to work on new year's eve at this at new on midnight

i'm getting drunk oh yeah like and then some prankers fuck with you like right as the bill

comes out your nose

I'd be like yeah thanks guys

but you'd be

you'd be like

I just started this

stupid job I'm gonna go ahead and

throw the hunk alarm on

she just started

but she's already set off the lunk alarm on people

for being lunks

see I was two

three years into my prank

show career and I got

a prank call on my desk at work from these

kids like they were obviously kids and i called them back because i could see their caller id

yeah i just i was just trying to say hey you guys like prank calls go to my website but they were

all like oh my god they're all freaked out i was like no no it's yeah it's cool i was trying you're

like i need more listeners man come on yeah i was trying to trying to friend young men yeah i was

like i need more listeners because i had like 20 listeners a night like sometimes you'd like

Like, just put porn on with them around and put your hand in their lap.

It was Dwight, and Dwight is still here.

You'd feel the boner come up and be like, I can help you with that little guy.

I ordered some pizza.

Come on in.

I got these magazines.

They're really cool.

Check them out.

I'll give you access to my Patreon if you let me back rub.

Yeah, access to your Patreon.

That's what I do.

Back rubs, though.

Come on, man.

to let the energy work with the crunch man i pull a captain crunch on it i call that move my crunch

man call it the crunch man energy so can we try another lung alarm though like what what where

can we look at where can we look at for a planet fitness we could try one like an hour like when

it's like mountain time zone yeah well you gotta find one that's open now you should do the ground

work now you know what i'm saying yeah you're around where your face is that was nice i like

that zing yeah uh i'll call one in vegas since that's a mountain time zone uh nashby who is

Is Nashby connected, even?

Yeah.

Hey, Nashby.

Yep, I'm here, boss.

What's up, Carlito?

Oh, hey, Nashby, robot.

Oh, fucking robot Nashby.

Robot Nashby.

Hello, Nashby.

How are you doing?

Hey, what's up?

Oh, nothing.

I can't believe it.

Is that you or Brad?

No, that's what you sound like, dude, right now.

Really?

Yeah, he's imitating.

He's the perfect dead-on impression.

I don't think I am anymore.

Yeah, that's exactly what you sound like.

so uh vegas is on uh pacific time actually

all right all right what's open in salt lake city right now the i know you used to go to church

there right yeah um there are a few uh planet fitnesses here and i'm sure the ones in salt

like county are probably open planet fitna okay that sounds hilarious what the hell are you doing

that on purpose or is that your shit all retarded call me i don't know man you just got a robot

hey i did find one that's open

the numbers are in the chat

you should tell someone we got to transfer them to the automated system

and then just like start talking to them like that i am the i am the automated system

yeah all right my mouse is inventory i think i'm just drawing

Mm-mm-mm. Okay.

Just use the R word at your mouth.

Or, like, one of us could be like,

okay, Google, and then, like,

you could fucking be Google or something.

They're open, huh, Nashby?

Give them that.

Google.

Google, stop.

Google.

Yeah, Nashby, I don't know, man.

I'll try the other one you sent.

Harley, how come you don't use Google instead of Alexa?

What's your problem?

I mean, what?

I don't get Google Home, you're saying?

yeah yeah i mean i could google i could i okay google my phone all the time my car and shit

yeah but you know like there's the google dot thing or whatever they call it the google yeah

yeah i'm already invested in alexa dude like i did that first and i stuck with it because

honestly i like the idea of being able to order from it so that would that that's that's amazon's

credit that's that's where they are from walmart with the google can you have a walmart deal

do they yeah they're there yeah they did that recently they got to compete walmart

speaking of which dwight you're a big fan of walmart um have your local walmart's there

uh for the guys here uh are they doing the online ordering because ours over here they just set up

i can park my car and they'll come out and they'll scan the app on my phone and they'll be like okay

okay, one moment, sir, and they'll come out with whatever I ordered

and put it in my car, and I can drive off, and that's it.

It's already paid for.

I don't have to get out of the car, and that's great

because the reason I don't go to Walmart is because of the people

and the dirt and the filth and the germs and the nasty.

They never have enough.

They haven't done that here yet, but they have at another store,

a regional store, they've done that for quite a while

where people do your shopping for you.

and uh they do what's it's curbside pickup basically you just just pull up and they'll

bring your shit out to you we've had you just prepaid for everything online ahead of time so

then like the person the person's job is just to basically go around and shop like i wouldn't mind

that job i have oh that's my job i just go i just go around and fucking shop in the store all day

all right cool we've got that they got like a little section you just pull up out there and

Yeah, we've had that at grocery stores for a while

But this is the first time Walmart does it

Now that's the whole

I was going to piss

And get another beer

But I was getting up

My legs are like cramping up

But I can barely walk

So I'm going to go ahead and go

Thanks for having me on

You're awesome, Matt

That call was hilarious

You're the best

Thanks, guys

Cheers, y'all

Happy New Year, man

Cheers, y'all

Bye, Matt

Be careful

Don't fall, okay?

Oh, man, I'm worried about Matt

See, he gets like this every New Year's, right?

Like, he gets super

He falls down

He shit his pants in the hallway last year at New Year's

What the fuck?

Hey, man, don't fuck it around about that

It was real last year

We gotta do a welfare check on him

Yeah, let's send the cops out there

it's called swatistic

swatistic what a dumbass

that fucking kid

dude and you

touched on this on your

your hobo

man but what a fucking dumb kid

and keemstar played him like a

fucking like a like a violin

man like a fucking

like a pussy flute dude he fucking got

him just a fucking he admitted that he's done

it before and

and that he did this

one and

And he doesn't give a shit.

Who are you talking about now?

So there was a swatting that occurred due to a fight on a college.

All right.

So Duke got shot.

So a YouTube, this is a YouTube show out there, Keemstar.

He does Drama Alert.

I've watched it here.

Oh, yeah.

I watched that.

Yeah.

He interviewed the dude.

And the dude admitted to it.

And then he got arrested.

But the fucking guy went on a fucking YouTube show and admitted that he swats people all the time.

And he doesn't have remorse for it.

Yeah.

And he did this one.

He had no remorse for what happened.

Yeah.

Yeah, he tried saying also that, he's like, I don't really SWAT people, hold on, I evacuate things.

Like, get the fuck out of here, you call it bomb threats, you fucking tool.

I evacuate things.

He's acting like he's a worker in there, it's like, come on people, nothing to see here, we need to get out in an orderly fashion.

He evacuates his bowels on the air, maybe.

Oh, I listened to that interview, he had no remorse, he's like, I didn't, like, I didn't shoot him.

Like, they instructed me to SWAT him.

so you don't have a fucking brain

I bet you he's going to regret that interview in court

he's going to have to say

that's not me

that's what he tried doing about his twitter

he's like oh I don't know

I got rid of my twitter and somebody else took over the twitter

and they posted that

that's what happened

because that's possible

somebody really wanted to take that rap so bad

that they took over his twitter

I couldn't believe that

when that happened

I actually explained that to my kid today

like he didn't hear anything about it of course he doesn't watch the news and uh i explained the

whole thing i was like yeah this like happened over a dollar 50 fucking match that they lost

and they were on the same team and they fucking were bitching at each other they were on the same

team i didn't know that yeah yeah this was two guys that were on the same team that were bitching

at each other because they lost a dollar 50 match against another team oh i thought it was something

I thought the loser team was reneging on her.

Team members were trying to...

He was trying to get this guy to swap

a team member of his.

I hope somebody recorded

the whole conversation between them.

Like, fighting. I hope someone recorded that

and we get to hear it someday.

When I heard that, I was just like,

it's just fucking wild.

I mean, the cop's got to feel horrible.

I mean, he played the next day

on the drama alert,

like the 911 call,

and this kid's talking about, like,

Like, he shot his dad, and he's got his brother and his mom, like, in the closet at gunpoint making sure they don't come out.

And, like, that was a no-win situation for the cops.

I mean, what the fuck?

That's fucked up, man.

I've been saying for a long time that's going to end up happening, just like you said, Brad.

Just wait until it happens.

Jazz just had to survive.

It's fucked up because it might affect us with the fucking phones and shit.

They're doing our pranks.

And then the scope gets turned on us, and we're not doing anything bad, you know?

i'm glad they caught the guy you know the autistic guy because at least now they have someone that

did it and it's not just like oh prank callers do this stuff one of those prank callers it was

like uh they said like a handful of years ago he got arrested for the bomb threat thing yeah

i saw his mugshot today he's a little hispandex little hispandex skinny man

little rat little skinny emaciated rat yeah um more pipsqueak yes yeah more more prank calls

then guys how you feel i feel on that um nashby i told you they weren't going to be open they

weren't open sir he said you i sent you two numbers bud none of them neither of them neither

are you hanging on are you calling from 1988 right yeah dude come on man nashby we want to

hang up call back maybe hang on just let me try something i'll be right back all right i'll be

right back bud i'll be back in a couple minutes all right it's like his tires and his delorean

are out of balance and it's just vibrating the shit out of his phone while he's trying to talk

god damn i'm telling you man uh all right well we've uh let's go back to some park band numbers

see if any of those pick up we've been uh they haven't really picked up but he put a lot of

work into getting these i suppose so we should work on parko man that's the guy chris really

I think he's from Metroid.

Yeah, the same.

Let me try a different headset. I'll be right back.

Okay, please.

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service from HughesNet. That's satellite

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internet? From what I remember, it was

always like 500k down.

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That's the same as, that's the same as.

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DSL Speaks?

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This is bad, Parkman. This is bad.

Unless I can get support. I went to sales. Let's try support.

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please remain on the line, and one of our

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as possible. I've been told that before I got right through.

I've been told that the reason Nashby's have a problem

is Nashby's internet is in a polygamous

relationship, and that's why his bandwidth sucks.

It's splitting. It's time between...

I didn't find an account with that phone

number. Perhaps you have a different number

listed on the account. No, transfer me through

all the fucking shit, goddammit, cock shit

bitch, whore.

Or, or, or.

I'll tell you, Carlito.

For Christmas.

Sorry, I'm having trouble.

Sure.

What are you looking to do today?

You can say account changes, service changes, move my service, or cancel my service.

Neither.

Thank you.

Waste of time.

What was that, Dwight?

Dwight, you had the floor.

What?

Dwight?

For Christmas, I got one of those.

I got another, like, one of those ninja things.

things the blunders yeah uh i got one last christmas but he did smoothies this one i got

like a spiralizer god damn it you gotta go man you gotta get that fixed you gotta figure that

out man it's bad holy fuck it's even worse now yeah god have your dogs been chewing on your

cables mine has been stable for a while thank god thank the maker uh so i got uh one with a

uh spiralizer so uh the other day i went and took uh some zucchinis and i put it through

this fucking spiralizer and i made spaghetti noodles out of the zucchinis what's spiralizer

it makes spiral spiral pasta yeah like i could take vegetables and stuff and like it'll it'll

spin it and shit it's like basically strip it but it makes it into like different noodle shapes like

i could do fettuccine noodle shapes or i can do uh spaghetti and like angel hair pasta and stuff

like that and so instead of having regular noodles for spaghetti i just take the zucchini noodles and

i put them in a pan and i just let them kind of warm up in the pan for like three minutes

and then i roll them around a little uh little meat noodle skitty sauce and and have those as

noodles instead of uh regular you know wheat noodles that's a good idea and you can so that's

awesome it actually tastes really good uh the only thing you look to look at them i mean after you

get them in the sauce and stuff the only difference is when you taste it they got

just a little bit of a crunch to them like if if a uh noodle was al dente right and uh so that's a

good idea though i have one yeah cool yeah i could do a lot i could do with apples and potatoes and

shit too i don't know about apple noodles but sure man uh no you can like make them into like

spirals and then uh uh you can uh like roll them in like a little bit of butter and then like

Like cinnamon sugar and make like a dessert.

Like bake a dessert with it.

Uh-huh.

Call it and use tip line.

I didn't say Echo.

I don't know why my Echo's talking to me.

Okay, Circle K's, I guess.

Back to Circle K.

Unless we know where some Planet Fitnesses are open, that'd be great.

We got one in like five minutes, right?

What's that?

Yes, five minutes.

What?

Well, you know, like call one to ring in the new year.

Yeah.

in the mountain time zone yeah did we find one yet did you find anyone else sure here i'll look

right now all right you're cutting out i am yeah a little bit and now and now so who the fuck is

in mountain time then let's see i is in mountain cutting out a lot yes well the music really loud

oh is it there we go that should be better yeah yeah we gotta do pranks too because we're just

sitting here right now and people are here paying for pranks i went down and did some dishes really

I guess you don't have a woman around anymore. Yeah. Yeah, I lost my dishwasher a couple months ago

There's something wrong with my dishwasher

It's trying to make dinner. Yeah, we should do that. We should call it like Maytag

She broke up with me

Yeah, hi, this is cross I'm calling from the corporate office

Okay.

Hi, we're looking to do our monthly customer survey.

Is there a customer there now we can do the survey with

that will receive a $20 gift card via email?

We do?

I do.

Can you ask if they'd be interested?

It's a quick three-minute survey.

Okay, hold on.

Are you guys interested in doing a survey

and you'll get $20 cash back?

No email?

They can get it right now on their purchase.

Sorry, I can't.

Is there anyone else there?

Nope.

shit then what do i do you know like it's it's real stressful here they won't let me leave until

i get a 10 of these done and okay you can call in the morning talk to the manager not now sorry

man can we kiss can you kiss me if i come down there will you kiss me with time you ever had

your booty licked we don't have email fucking liar who doesn't yeah these days you're born with

the email dom probably was wrong with the email cool rob doesn't have email remember how mad cool

rob got when i stopped doing shit in shoutcat did he yeah he got so mad hello we are not available

now he's very upset the shoutcast got dropped he's not having it man man now i want cinnamon

apple fucking dessert god damn it what else you put some ice cream on that some halo top what do

do you do oh i think no i haven't uh tried that yet but i saw some recipes yeah okay uh but yeah

you probably put some halo top on there i've been doing a la mode and uh a la mode mode i made some

uh like little little uh like flurries for my uh niece pickles the other day in it oh nice very

nice yeah i had a blender i threw some uh some french vanilla ice cream in with a little bit of

of milk and some

Reese's peanut butter cups and

Reese's pieces in there and I fucking blended

the shit out of that.

And she put chocolate syrup in there too and I was like

there you go, there you go. There's some

fucking dessert for you.

Even though she wouldn't eat my zucchini spaghetti

I had to make her regular spaghetti.

It's bullshit. I had to make two batches.

Sorry, let me just say that.

We're five minutes away, less than five minutes away

from New Year's and Mountain Standard Time.

Did we get an update on Echo Stop?

Stop. Stop. Did we get an update on the plant fitness MIPO?

Yeah, I posted three of them.

Thank you for calling Converse. Help you.

Hi, is this Tron? Oh, hey, Tron. How you doing?

Dribble, dribble, dribble.

How you doing?

Hey, Tron. Hey, how you doing? This is Carlito. Carlito. I'm calling from the corporate office.

I'm sorry. I'm like, huh?

Oh, that's okay. I'm not upset.

We're looking to do our monthly customer survey. Is there someone there we can talk to right now?

I'm the only one.

I hear other people there.

Yeah, there's...

So there are customers there?

Yes.

So why can't you ask to see if I can do a survey with one?

Okay, hold on one second.

An animal?

Here, can you do a survey, please, sir?

Yes.

Hello?

Hello, my name is Cross.

I'm with the corporate office.

We're going to conduct a quick three-question survey with you.

Okay.

You will receive a $20 gift certificate via email, okay?

Okay, where's the gift card to?

To Circle K.

Yes, send it to me, please.

Oh, yeah, sure, okay.

Question number one, what is your age?

I am 27 years young, sir.

Okay.

What is your height?

Seven.

Okay.

What is your weight?

Well, it's that personal question.

I weigh 150 pounds.

So you could lose a little bit more weight then.

But that's kind of rude.

Well, I think you might.

I'm going to have to transfer you through to the BBW department if you could hold the line, please, for a moment because I can't handle this.

I am beautiful and yes, definitely complete me to that.

Okay.

Here's Roy.

He likes big black girls.

I'm not black.

I'm white.

Hello, this is Roy.

um this is i'm in the bbw department i understand you're a bit overweight ma'am saying i need to go

on a diet well you know we're looking at the security cameras and yeah i would say yeah you

could stand to lose a few definitely well i think you could go to get pounds in your dick

wow she got that that got serious carlita i'm gonna i'm gonna quit

that was fucking hurtful i know i imagine like if you gained a few pounds in your

Your dick? I mean, that'd be ridiculous.

If you did a pound, it'd be like...

How you'd be swinging around town?

That's called a tumor, I think.

Nah.

You need to learn that, you know, words hurt you.

You know, that can be really hurtful.

Your call cannot be completed.

I'm soaking a two-pound dick.

Please check the number.

Jeez.

Here is Planet Fitness in the Mountain Time Machine.

You got a two-pound dick.

You better start applying for porn.

You better get surgery to get that reduced, man, because I don't know.

Start to give yourself back problems.

You wouldn't be able to fuck any girls it'd be

After about your third girlfriend you you fucking blown your own pelvis out. You're like, I just can't fucking do it

No more else. I'm gonna have a hip replacement

That was painful

when i want i would seem the guy in mexico with the fucking 20 inch dick or whatever or it's like

25 inches or something yeah but it's thin don't worry about it like it goes down to his ankle

he can stand to gain a few pounds in the dick my dick's an innie not an outie that shit was inside

You're going on a show.

Oh, an Emmy.

Oh, man, that's bad.

Did he answer for you, or he just found the numbers, Mr. Roper?

I didn't try them.

No, see, no bueno, no bueno.

I was surprised that one was open.

That's crazy.

Right, I meant that.

And they're telling us, boom, we're open.

What town was that again?

I know I asked that already.

What town was that again?

I don't know.

Like, is it Illinois?

Like, below Chicago?

It's a big town.

Nothing really big in the mountain.

You're calling Planet Fitness, located at 48, 48,

Armax, 24 hours, 7 days per week.

Apologize for missing your call.

Whatever.

I guess they're bullshit.

All right, here's another one.

Trevor, I'm in there.

It's already midnight there.

I'm going to go in general chat and yell.

You can go in general chat and yell.

Hey, fuck all you guys, motherfuckers, yeah.

I just yelled that in the general chat and discord.gg4slashpranks.

There you go.

You showed them.

There it is.

not look it's the one more in utah i guess i should check them it's all right it's all right

it's all right we can look ahead for los angeles nashby checking in with the number or probably

the bunny ranch yeah air force amy hang on let me stand up your mountain time let me stand up

and salute that looks like an old catcher smith you're the one happy new year nashby you're the

one twice i hope they oiled to to kind of make that leather pliable they tied it around nashby

Did any of those girls

pay him? They will. Did they?

Did you ever do that? Did you ever pay for that? No.

No. I want Nashby to go

back just for kicks.

We may need to get the listeners in on this.

And I want him to eat a bunch of Taco Bell

beforehand and just rip just the

nastiest farts while he's getting lit.

So, Nashby, I mean, did you just pay for

like vanilla insertion?

Yes.

You didn't do anything fun? No 69?

Nothing? Nah, dude, I was

I didn't pass back that. Hold on.

Oh, he was just to get in and get out.

He'd go in and he'd have a drink.

Did you cuddle after?

It would be weirder than the sex is to pay the girls to cuddle with you.

That would be fucking hilarious.

You didn't lay in bed for a little bit after and talk?

I have not, but I'm interested in watching it now.

Dude, it's on HBO.

Yeah, I know.

You should watch it.

It's interesting.

Was the Air Force Amy there, or that's the place you went to then?

Yeah, that's one of the ones I went to.

let's call a couple hotels so i can i could ask for the prostitutes in different rooms

you're right hey um any chance you guys okay if uh if i take a break real quick just so i can

take care of something uh and uh and when we come back then we'll do some more pranks and

we got to do the hotels you know what i mean we're gonna get some hotels in here yeah all right so

So, yeah, when we come back, we got more prank calls.

I'm here with Dwight McClanahan, RBCP, Nashby the Robot, Dom the Bond.

Olga's here also.

We're doing prank calls at New Year's Eve.

Hooray!

Back in a few things.

It's New Year's, bitch.

I pee on.

Because when you die, they put your GPS in your box and a trapdoor at the bottom.

So when you die, you open a trapdoor at the bottom, you chest, and you go straight down.

Ad House Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

Wrong favorite motherfucker.

Make some noise.

Make some bangs.

And Jeffy MC.

Adio.

Make a...

Fuckers, it's Carlito back here with Brad Carter, Brett McClanahan, Don the Bomb, and

Nash Bean, Big Olga.

We're here doing prank calls or something like that.

We're shooting the shit a lot.

Matt Hillock left on a very emotional state.

We're very concerned about him.

And if you have Matt Hillock's cell phone number, let's give him a call.

Let's call him.

We're due to give him a call.

I have his phone number.

Let's call him.

Let's be.

Let's call him.

Let's do it.

I'm worried about it.

He can't have left.

What happened?

what was it about he kind of just said like i gotta go thanks for having me on my leg wasn't

working all the neighbors call all his neighbors and send him over to his house yeah that'd be the

neighborly nice thing to do okay i hope he doesn't get mad answer it's a random number

forwarded to a systematic voice message system matt is not available i had to hold on to see

what it said all right well there we go i tried to call him his back off try to call him his back

off as you what what do you say you're breaking up still are your kids over there doing torrenting

your music's louder than you are i just turned it down i just turned it down

all right we'll be calling here back to the list of parkman numbers that really haven't

picked up tonight but that's okay he tried neighborhood watch products okay sure i sent

sent you some twitter complainers in the uh hey direct messages to you that's that's the juice

right there let's do that did you notice the complaints board they're like blocking out the

numbers now are they getting wise to it what's that they're getting wise to people's games i

think so people are not putting their numbers on yeah i think it's automated like it's like it

they post their numbers and it like replaces it with something else now strict or whatever

after these twitter

complainers should do some hotels

hotel motel

how they in

do you have your toilet sound effects there

I can grab them

grab those we'll need those

because I don't have any

you can say a robot

let off some fireworks

yeah and we have Nashby say something

Nashby dude I don't know what's up with your

your audio

we asked we asked alexa about fireworks and i started setting off our fireworks

did it really hey carlito how do i sound now same ass same the same i don't know what's up

with my setup guys sorry

oh man all right so uh how loud does this sound we hear nothing i hear nothing oh you don't hear

or anything. Oh, hang on. I gotta share sound effects.

You silly. Share system sound

or anything. Let's go back here.

I think that's doable.

Need to go up a little more? Maybe a little bit.

Maybe a hair. A coon's hair?

A little bit. A little bit.

I like that. Try a little bit higher.

There we go. That's the sauce right there.

That's the gas. Now we're cooking with gas.

Now we're cooking with butter.

Did you ever see that episode of Married With Children?

No.

What?

Wasn't butter the name of the

The mother-in-law is the fat one

who's upstairs on the sex line.

She's got Griff all fucking

hooked on, talking to her

and he wants to invite her for Christmas.

Oh my god. You're cooking with

butter.

They never showed her, did they? The mother-in-law.

They just kept talking about her. No, it was like she just kept

destroying the house by rolling over.

The plaster and shit was always falling.

The show was so funny. It was a good show.

Classic show. It ran for the longest time.

I used to watch that. My favorite one

was the uh the supermarket shopping spree uh against the uh the darcy's i was that was a good

one i was in elementary school when that show started and it was on at the last season i was

in college that's how long that fucking show lasted man that's that's that and i used to

dig uh there were some other shows that came out like supermarket sweep was a fucking good one i

used to watch right and uh shop till you drop like i used to watch the shit out of those

oh yeah the supermarket sweet exchange that shit the guy had that lisp it was like super

yeah dude you remember but supermarket soup was stupid because they always ended up getting the

same shit they all figured it out they would go for the hams you remember that yeah the blow up

fucking uh um oh what the hell was it like advertisements and stuff they'd come back

oh that's a hundred dollars yeah they'd have social advertisements but there were certain

items that they always went for they were really high item high high ticket and they always seem

like to be like hams they would always go for they would always stop and get oh fuck now i'm

gonna want some youtube steaks and shit like that yeah oh the baby formula that was always a big one

baby formula that's that's indeed all right look so who's this twitter complainer named scarlet

what's her problem scarlet stack is uh she's a bitch she's a bitch yeah i'm sick of her complaining

yeah uh what's your uh matt can you matt dwight can you tell me because i don't i did

let me see i play myself oh united okay okay okay oh yeah she thought uh she thought she was

gonna get there i think an hour before her next connection and uh she played herself thinking that

was gonna happen okay all right so we're with united all right excellent we always provide

We provide excellent customer service for United.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

The next one is a Comcast complainer. This one here doesn't pick up.

Complaining about speeds being slow all day long.

It's a conspiracy. It's not true.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

They said they do that to the iPhones.

Your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number.

There's a dot on this number.

Hold the phone.

I don't speak dot.

Dot matrix.

Hello, my name is Cross. I'm calling from Comcast Cares customer service. We're with the social media department. We understand there was a complaint here regarding your service. Completely hung up on me. Wow. Do I sound drunk? Nah. Hello? Hello? Yes, my name is Cross. I'm with Comcast. Hello? I understand you're having trouble with your service speeds, your data speeds. What the fog?

He's fucking his woman.

It's his woman.

He's fucking her.

That's how she's doing it.

She's like, you're doing it wrong.

Listen, faggot, I don't want you to call me again.

Hey, asshole, I'm with Comcast, motherfucker.

I'll shut your service off.

You hear me?

His woman sounds high maintenance.

Please leave your message for...

Right, okay.

Try it again.

Please leave your message...

The guy looks nothing like he sounds.

I'm just confused.

All right, here's Big Jeff.

Jeff, what's Jeff's complaint? What's his problem, you fucker?

Apple complaint.

I've been calling Jeff Lawrence every time I want to make a purchase.

Has to call in all the time when he wants to make a purchase.

Four times in seven days.

Apple ID randomly selected by an algorithm.

Ooh, that would suck.

Been told there was nothing.

So they're on the surveillance list.

They do.

It's a terrorist.

Fucking Jim.

Hello, you've reached Jeff Lawrence.

I'm not available right now.

Please leave me a message.

Hey, Carlito.

Since the repeal of net neutrality, have you noticed any difference in your speeds on your internets?

That's where I got it.

I noticed buffering on YouTube and shit.

Sometimes Netflix and YouTube.

My speeds have tripled since then.

Yeah, and I'm paying the same price.

Obama was right.

They went from 25 megabits per second to 75 on the download.

Yeah, it tripled.

Trump was right.

Hello, you've reached Jeff Lawrence.

I'm not available right now.

The upload stayed the same, but the download fucking tripled.

Yeah, they just increased that actually, Dwight.

Thank you, AI system.

Trump is always right.

Thank you, AI system.

All right, let's see if Karen picks up.

Karen has a Starbucks complaint.

What a bitch.

I can't fucking believe her.

I'm going to punch her in the stomach.

The number you have reached.

Oh, well, there you go, then.

It's just like Karen not being able to keep a phone number.

Listen to her problems.

Worst service ever.

uh hot chocolate no whipped cream oh crappy service oh uniform moron at walk-up window

what there's a walk-up window you know she must she must take the drive-thru

she probably walked up to it's like ma'am you're not supposed to walk up to the window i can't walk

up it's freaking disappointing we can't we can't serve you it's a safety it's a safety issue we

We can't serve you.

Quit walking up to the drive-thru.

A disappointed customer and a regular no more.

Whatever.

Fuck off.

You're a drop in the bucket.

That's what I would say if I would have gotten a hold of her.

Fuck that.

All right, here's one in Orlando.

What's the deal?

Lake Lakeland.

Xfinity Comcast.

No New Year's Eve local networks.

Happy New Year.

What are you talking about?

How are you not getting your local?

Turn on your antenna.

It's free, asshole.

Make a trip to the non-existent Radio Shack and get you some rabbit ears.

You can get it at Walmart.

Get the $12 rabbit ears and it's free.

What are you complaining about?

People just love to complain.

And this is it.

This is it for the Twitters.

We just got one guy who was like, fuck off.

And I'll try him again.

Hi, Jonathan.

Thanks for the call.

Your name?

Thanks, Emil.

At least I'm drunk.

I hope people are entertained.

Oh, that's a good way to bring in the new year.

I hope people are entertained at least.

If that's something.

If not by the calls, just the stories.

Brad, are you having fun with us?

With me?

I guess.

It's alright. No, yeah, I'm having fun.

It's been fun. Too bad Jai couldn't show up.

Jai was like, you know, well, I'm going to be out

until 1, and I said, well, we're going to be on until

3, dude. Like, you can be on.

He was always ready to give us

shit when he wants us to be around

for cause of mass confusion shit.

I should have heard him complain when you were late.

He's got a kid. Where the fuck is he going?

He's going on a daddy-daughter date?

Whatever. Fucking GM.

He probably sticks his kids, his

bratty kids with his mother-in-law.

he's out drinking and driving with his kids in the car

i'm sorry he's been going crazy with the marijuana cigarettes

all week he's been like i'm smoking pot okay

i'm i'm arranging from possible incomings

uh but but to make sure you don't make the mistake is last time you have to put

up a hundred dollar bond okay all right i promise i will not say

guys listen we're gonna do the incoming calls but don't say glory hole

foundation don't say

don't say your names don't say brian carter

phone losers nothing

basically don't use your prank names and don't

don't reference your fucking

shit uh identify any

of us yeah i'll call myself olga

there you go no

no

oh fuck

he's gonna crack me up by talking to producers he's gonna put

a hundred dollar bond to ensure

that that happened

all right here's the circle k real quick whilst

I get ready for that other genre

of calls that I talked about that I forgot about.

What were they?

Sex shows?

No, sex shows. Sex program from

America. That's me.

I got one more shot at Grey Goose left. I got one more

cranberry drink.

Prieston makes these

cranberry drinks, but they're sparkling.

Great.

Hi, this is Cross. I'm calling from the corporate office.

We're looking to do our

monthly customer survey. If there's a customer

available who we can speak with, it'd be

um no there is anybody in oh can we possibly do the survey with you um not right now i don't like

doing things over the phone what do you mean well my manager says we're not supposed to do a lot of

talking about things over the phone we're not asking anything it's a survey it's three questions

about the service there that's all i'm asking yeah no i just have to be nasty i'm not being

nasty well for the first question is what's your age what's the big deal well like i said from what

This isn't business.

This is non-binding arbitration.

I'm going to put you through to my supervisor

who can explain how this and how you're going to affect me

and my metrics then, all right?

Just a moment, please.

Mr. McClanahan?

Greetings. Hello, sir.

Hi, how are you?

Great. What was your name?

All right. Fantastic, Chris.

And what time did you come on shift tonight?

Well, I can't explain to the other gentleman.

My manager has just...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let me stop you right there. Let me stop you right there.

That was a female that you just spoke to, and I would be greatly appreciative if you would stop assuming they're gender.

There's not gender in this.

Well, you said that gentleman. That's not a gentleman. That was a woman.

Well, it sounded like it. Pardon me.

Again, you're assuming a gender.

Gentleman? Who's the fucking gentleman?

All's I am saying...

Fucking gentleman!

Okay, so you've made mistakes over the phone previously, is that right?

No, I have not. This is a company policy as far as I know.

Okay, not as far as I know, and I'm at the corporate level.

Well, you'd have to call back between 7 and 3.30 when the manager is here.

Okay, well, I don't answer to the manager.

Well, I do, unfortunately, for you.

Right, and so if we follow the chain of command, it goes corporate, regional manager, manager, store manager, and then you.

So, really, you answer to me.

Okay, and what is your employee ID number? I need to take this down for a report.

okay so so you're you're denying a corporate level employee information they've requested

i've requested a first name and i've requested an employee id number i've not requested any

personal information that wouldn't be available it's all good and well you can yes you can keep

saying this but that doesn't make everything i have to say goodbye i'm sorry sir would you

please wash the sand out of your vagina i got one-sided audio it was good for many hours here

and it started again this motherfucker god damn it one-sided audio yeah you can't tell you can't

tell you probably won't hear me bad puppy biting the wires yeah the puppy's been biting the wire

he did something here is that of the mixtures going bad i'd kick that puppy i do i kick them

all the time when no one's around i kick him with everything i got uh what they're there for work

Kirk, these fucking, um, whatchamacallit, same brand you got, Brad.

They fuck up after a while, man.

The mixing board, the mixer that you got.

What's the one you got?

What's the brand that I told you to get?

Well, I got Behringer.

Behringer, yeah.

After a while, they start fucking up like this.

But I think it's the cable.

Hey, you know, don't listen to me.

Nothing.

Just a second.

He's smashing the dog over there.

Check, check, check, check, check, check.

All right, both sides.

he's choking the dog with the wire he chewed uh carly are you signed into your sip my yes i am

same thing yes okay yes mr horse thank you for helping thank you for trusting me i won't let

you down who did i say i was gonna call after before circle k i said we're gonna we got these

numbers we can call hotels hotels yeah excuse me all right did you see a call uh i'm looking

i don't see anything yet i think i have to change my thing hang on beef there was a call

scent try tell him to try again uh again again again fool try again sir you can add them to here

if that would help there goes that might that might help here we'll see how to get was it

really the mixer is it uh i don't hear anything yet hello i love that sound what's this one very

relaxing oh yeah hang on i'm finishing i got one i got one i got one i got one julie with reward

redemption you recently visited one of our affiliate websites and in appreciation we have

a 100 rebate voucher for you redeemable at popular stores like walmart best buy home depot and many

more press oh we're good give me another second let me try to fix this okay damn

thing uh-huh now it's working okay yeah don has some good shitting sound effects

you need to share those with me dude honestly seriously all right we're calling nevada

is it ramada gonna work you think no

what is this what is this video i see here people farting on thermal camera

well let's look at that oh that's cool stuff i've seen several of those they're really cool

we got an incoming call we're saved customer service my name is cool how can i help you

calling me it's one o'clock in the morning 12 o'clock in the morning where you are oh in that

case happy new year well thank you happy new year quit calling please no well we need to in order to

do that we have to process you all right we're getting all this extremely painful sound we have

incoming calls working up your volume all the way to max got it what are you doing i don't know what

dwight is doing i just it's turned turned you guys all off i don't know i can't deal with that

All right, are you done doing that?

This has been a very haphazard show I need those for the elevator cause I said somebody took a shit in the elevator and I'm

Stuck in there. What if they you know open the hatch, you know and start taking a shit into the no compartment

They're like I need to relieve myself

Carly was just shitting from the top of the elevator

Customer service

My name is Cross, how can I help you?

Hello, customer service

How can I help you?

Customer service, my name is Kulo, how can I help you?

He got up here

Hello, customer service, how can I help you?

Customer service, customer service

How can I help you?

Hello, how can I help you?

I heard we won $100

You won $100

Is that what you heard on the computer?

So what's going on, y'all?

Hello?

What do I do now?

Yes, yeah.

Are you with me, ma'am?

What's going on?

Well, I don't know where you are.

You're very far away from the phone.

I'm not.

I'm right here.

I'm right here, honey.

Can you hear me?

Yeah, but how come you're calling me?

Because you won a $100 gift card.

And where do I get it at?

You get it.

Where do you like?

Do you like Walmart?

You like Walmart, honey?

Do you go to Walmart to buy fries?

Hello, customer service.

Hello?

Yeah, I've been to Walmart.

I'm always in Walmart.

Okay.

Do you like fried foods?

Fried food?

Yeah.

No.

No?

Okay, what kind of food do you like?

I'd rather have a blanket or...

Do you want something you can put in your vagina?

No, man.

That was nasty, disgusting.

Hello, customer service.

Thank you for holding.

How can I help you?

Hello?

I thought that was real.

I never knew anything about that until that podcast.

I was like, what the fuck?

Why?

Can you guys not hear me?

Why did my face...

Are you kidding me?

I heard an article about it on PhoneLizards.

Did you guys not hear me? What's going on here?

Big lie.

Yeah, I always heard about this big thing.

I'd never heard the audio,

but I heard about this lore of him getting swatted

and the police coming in.

Or not swatted, but raided.

And then I heard from that podcast,

you're fucking shitting me.

That was a lie?

All right, shut up. We got a call coming in. Be quiet.

Okay, okay.

What the hell?

Echo, echo.

I'm back.

Customer service.

My name is Ass.

How can I help you?

Hello.

Hi.

How can I help you?

My name is Ass.

Yeah.

Hurry up.

What's your company name?

Customer service.

What website did I visit that caused this call?

Go.rt slash customer service.

Who?

Go.rt slash customer service.

This is customer service LLC.

Is that right?

Yeah, that's right.

What are you doing there?

Are you taking notes?

Yeah, I want you to take me off your list.

Oh, so this is going to be one of those calls?

You're going to think you're going to tell me what I'm going to do?

I told you what I want.

I want you to take me off your list.

Why are you talking so low like that?

Do you think that's more intimidating and I'll do what you want?

It's late at night.

Yeah, so I have to work.

I have bills.

I have bills to pay, you know.

I'm here.

We're drinking tonight here in the office.

we're doing calls sales calls uh you need to be put on a do not call list sir yes please all right

so for $29.99 a month we can put you on do not call list pro that will keep you from getting

calls for 60 days at which point you'll be automatically re-registered for $29.99 a month

for another 60 days until your debit card expires your credit card we can put that on your discover

Discover, Master Charge, Visa.

We also accept Sears card.

You have a Sears charge card?

Are you stupid and slow and you take a long time to say things?

You stupid asshole.

Fuck off my phone.

Fucker.

Yeah, you guys couldn't hear me because I had the cable got unplugged somehow and I don't know how.

And I had to plug it back in.

All right.

See?

Get it now.

So let's see how many other people joined in.

XYZ and Firmus and the horse.

Hi.

Join in here.

That's good.

Here's a customer service call.

This is for Brad.

Brad, customer service.

You can do this.

Come on.

Clap, clap.

Let's go.

When you hear toot-toot, you're on.

Okay.

Customer service, can I help you?

Yeah, you're calling my house, and it's 12, 15 a.m., and my kids are sleeping, and my

disabled grandma.

It's not me.

It's the system.

The system calling.

Ma'am.

Hello?

Yes?

Hi.

Can you hear an echo?

Do not call here again.

You need to stop echoing at me.

Excuse me?

You're echoing at me.

Everything I say echoes back at me.

What kind of hobo phone are you on?

Hey, don't curse at me.

I'm a Christian.

Bitch.

Next one is Dom.

Dom, you're up.

Dom, the next one is you.

Because he hasn't had a chance to do a call.

I keep throwing calls at Dwight and Brad and other people.

It's all good.

Poor Dom.

God bless him.

He's here.

He needs to do calls.

And then Firmus and the other guy can do a call here.

X, Y, Z.

X, Y, Z, you had another good show that I heard the other day, man.

I'm telling you.

thing that's a good time that's a good time like do them now yeah you've got a whole two yeah good

two good shows you've done now that i've heard you have like three i'm working on it we'll see

what happens yeah yeah cool all right okay let's get back to here the hotel plan that we had that

we never got a hold of let's try that hotels dwight let's do it i think i fixed my two i fixed i think

i think i fixed my audio problem i think oh yeah he wouldn't answer hello and thank you for calling

motel six oh let's get a room let's get a room all this room number calling please enter it at

any time what's a six yes i can help you yes hi i'm calling from 212 okay and uh someone pooped

on the bed over here how long uh oh okay because i'm flushing the bed the toilet sheets the bed

bedsheets down the toilet right now and there's water all over here the water got everywhere like

an insteam down the toilet yeah i've been trying to to get rid of because i was really embarrassed

i was trying to do it before my friends came back but now they're here and there's water everywhere

and there's uh bedsheets half half in the toilet half out the toilet like half the bedsheets are

still sticking out and it won't go down anymore i'm in 212 i'm not supposed to be in here but

But I'm in here.

You're cool, right?

You won't tell anybody?

In 212?

Yeah.

Lady in the water got in the Google system and it's talking to us now.

Yeah.

It's weird.

Go ahead.

You're in 212.

Nobody's in 212.

Are you sure?

Well, we are.

We're not supposed to be in here, but we're in here.

We got in.

We were being real quiet for New Year's.

Yes.

Water's right.

Well, who was you in that room?

We got in.

You broke into the room?

Don't tell her I picked her up.

It wasn't that we broke in.

i mean basically we connected the usb thing to the door thing on the bottom under where the car goes

and it went like that i don't know i don't know lysol you know lysol yeah lysol he said that he

could do it for us he we paid him a hundred dollars and he unconnected it for us he disconnected

he he put a usb drive into the bottom of with some adapter he got he said from china and it

it opens it up and it lets us in so we've just been in here you know smoking and drinking and

stuff and we've been flush we started we had to flush because i pooped the bed uh someone pooped

the bed and i've been we've been having to flush yeah all right i pooped the bed and it's like

right now we're trying to flush it and it doesn't go the they just stay there and the water keeps

coming up over into the stop flushing it stop flushing it i don't know i i mean i really we

how do I get this in?

We're trying to get it out now.

We're trying to reverse it.

Okay, yeah.

Let me see what I can do.

She said flush it.

She said keep flushing it, guys.

No, don't keep flushing it.

Keep flushing?

Keep flushing.

Don't keep flushing.

Should I hold down the flusher?

Hold it down.

No, do not flush.

I'm holding it down.

There you go.

Do another one.

There, good, good.

He did another one.

No, stop flushing the toilet.

All right, she says stop flushing the toilet.

Stop flushing the toilet?

yes flush it now flush it again no don't no don't flush it at all stop flushing the toilet

there's water it's getting worse and worse okay yeah exactly so stop i'm gonna try one more time

i'm gonna flush it no all right i want like you know the movie where the water gets on the thing

and it like comes alive or whatever i wanted to say like the toilet water got on the google and

And then I wanted you to, like, use your robot voices or fucking talking shit.

Oh, yeah.

Hello?

Thank you for calling Motel 6.

Hello?

She's just hanging up now.

Hang up.

Oh, I love doing that shit.

All right, here's a different Motel 6.

We're less than four minutes away from New Year's on the Pacific Coast.

Oh, shit.

And that's it.

Yeah, that's you.

That's Brad.

Also, that's others.

out there yeah yeah xyz how you doing man i'm doing good i'm doing good i enjoyed that last

call it was very good i liked flushing the toilet yeah it's the best it's good to get the waste out

you know i like to turn um or i just like to turn that valve you know with the for the pipe for the

flush turn that all the way open you know and then flush it yeah it gets that going i like to

put it halfway so it goes something wrong with people i hate that shit please turn your valve

the air out of it thank you for calling model six hi yeah uh we're over here we're trying to flush

the toilet we have sheet the bed sheets in the toilet bed sheets in the toilet yeah we put them

in the toilet to get rid of them because they they were dirty you know and uh there's water

water everywhere right now okay all right so we were wondering kim a can you make the toilet go

harder can you make the toilet go hard click on the toilet icon can you increase the toilet

pressure please i think i cannot do anything with that but oh oh well you know what's why

because you don't know how toilet works because you're from india do you not know how the toilet

that works because you're from india and you're used to defecating outside on the ground no no

no it's not that if it is not working i cannot do anything i went to i went to india i went to

i went to india i went to bombay and they were um they were the people shit outside on the ground

well if you have a problem with the it's 2 12 2 12 we're not supposed to be here but it's 2 12

yeah and there's toilet water everywhere and we keep flushing it and it doesn't go down

and it got into the alexa it got into the alexa yeah we have an uh you have uh you know alexa

you know what is alexa we're not supposed to but we are yeah oh please sir you have to move

out of the room no we can't because we have to be here we have to have sleep now

this is our room

this is not working

this is our

we are here

oh my god

now we are here

and we belong here

and we're gonna be here

I'm fucking

down

so you have to move

out of the room

or else

I'll have to call 911

no no

you don't have to call 911

I mean you can

but you don't have to

you can just move

out of the

hotel

well where can we go

where can we go

where do you want us to go

wherever you want to

but if you want

no we come here

motherfucker

Motherfucker, we're here, motherfucker.

You understand, motherfucker?

We're here.

Yay, happy new year for us.

Yeah.

Brad and someone else.

Calls (37, 1 h 24 min of 3 h 19 min)

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