I Want Real Woman

How does your bicycle seat smell after a hard day's ride, huh?

Okay, come to me, you piece of cow.

Come to me and talk that in my face.

Do you know what is labia?

This is a joke, right?

No, do you know what labia is?

Yes, I do.

Are you kidding me?

Don't you worry about it, motherfucker.

Don't call me and talk to me like that.

Don't call anybody on the phone and talk to me like that.

Shut your fucking mouth.

Go to hell.

I'm in the streets listening to Madhouse Live.

I hope my speech can compete with that bad mouth style that we get from Carlito.

That's my big amigo.

So just kick back to listen to this cat call, people

When this show goes live, I be like, damn, this shit's bitchin'

Stop whatever I'm doin' to tune in and listen

You can catch me in the back of his home at Horse Machine Ranch Road

I'm bustin' mad fat flows for assholes and banchos

My spit crazy, shout out to Big Amy, that's nice, honey, baby

We kissin' pussies, so ladies, such a labia

It's crazy how the stuff that my bruh might say to ya

Face it, cuz it's the number one prank cast

Stay back if you can't handle all the straight laughs that we hand to your dome

And if you want, call the number, you can listen to this show on the go

Big up to the man in the madhouse

You show love, you stick your motherfuckin' hands up

Some come close, but they can't get it right

Let the king do his thing, it's time for Madhouse Live

I will give $25 to a woman who will sell me her used pantyhose

Pick up, pick up, motherfucker

Pick up the phone, motherfucker

Pick up the phone, motherfucker, you

you pick up the fucking phone pick up the fucking phone pick up the phone motherfuckers

hey pick up the shit motherfucking phone i do that because it's a regular it's a regular

answering machine and they can hear it it'll play throughout the house what are you doing

you trying to treat him like homer yeah yeah i yell at homer all the time it's fun fucking

toys the rest is still ringing like a motherfucker right you believe that shit here's someone

when i actually did what dwight says to do which is uh pull the ad down when it's sold well damn

then so what happened with the producer he fell asleep or something yeah hi i saw you had a ad

for a table in the chairs oh yeah i was calling because i saw that you sold them yeah that's very

nice that you sold them uh how much did they sell for no that was a waste that was the first call

all night what a piece of shit don't worry guys i'll go late i'll drop some uh i'll drop some

numbers i'll hit i'll hit a stride somewhere thank you mr dwight mcclanahan host of the

party time with dwight mcclanahan show which will be on tomorrow with a super bowl prediction

party time with dwight can't wait to hear that yeah um wanna real quick let's do some let's

try to regroup here since we've had some failures here at the beginning do not worry i

we'll hit a stride and if not worst case we'll we'll con dwight and take it over and do him

better than i do uh please visit my website madhouse live.com that is where you can subscribe

to the podcast and all its various iterations you can also uh tune in using your smart devices such

as your echoes uh shit i said the code word your alexis alexis you can just uh give the command

man machine uh to listen to us you say uh what do you say alexa play madhouse prank call radio

on tune in and it'll play it's very nice you can also listen via telephone a telephone call i have

i don't see your caller id you can keep it anonymous if you want but i don't see it it

goes to some other company it's a free service i think they might put an ad there when you call in

maybe at first i think that's how it works that number is area code 605-475-0097 you can listen

to madhouse shows 24 hours a day seven days a week uh on that phone line wherever you are you

don't have to have an internet connection as long as your phone is with you or you have a phone with

you if you're stuck at work something like that make it look like you're busy on the phone guys

like if you work at a desk and you want to make it look like oh wow carlos sure is busy at work

today and they don't know carlos is sitting there listening to himself on the telephone

listening to him doing prank calls from six years ago and laughing and they're all like wow he's

been on that conference call for a long time carlos server is a hard worker and i'm sitting

there playing with my tie you know doing like i like to make like i'm hanging myself with my tie

i love doing that it feels good and jerk off while i do it be sure to also check out our

the chat rooms various chat rooms discord.gg forward slash pranks is the discord high drinks

pranks uh fucking chat room you can uh thank palindrome for that palindrome also he just

sent me an advanced copy of his guide very well put together uh well worth the wait uh looking

he's going to be sharing that guide that teaches everyone how to do things with the chat and the

the phone and to make it go dwight you see that uh guide yeah it's very good very very good sure

check that out where the fuck is dwight at motherfucker hey hey he's probably getting

bologna sandwich uh prankdose.com also there's chats there look i have other things to say

but in the meantime i have to do something right here's someone who's looking for manure horse

cows chickens and or goats they will remove for free uh did he say chicken let's do it

I have an idea.

Let me change the caller ID for this to make sure we really get in there, get up in them DMs.

I learned that on MTV.

Shit you, motherfucker you.

Work now, motherfucker.

Do it now, motherfucker.

So you gotta talk to them.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice...

Ah, I have to try it again.

your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system god damn it uh here's

a guy looking to do odd jobs okay see the last time in this publication that there was a guy

looking to do odd jobs i made him go to the walmart and i told him i was watching him and

i wanted to show him my dick and all this stuff and he spent 30 minutes looking for me in the

parking lot going up the car is going where you at where you at i wonder if it's the same guy

Yeah, we tried to call him the next week, and he had already changed his number.

Yeah, hey, how you doing?

You looking to do some odd jobs?

Yeah.

Oh, good, good.

Have you ever done odd jobs?

Do you have any experience with that?

Yeah, I've done it most of my life.

Most of your life you've done these odd jobs?

Okay, all right, all right.

Are you like a gypsy guy, or what are you?

I just, I take whatever I can get.

I have a hard time finding work and stuff.

Are you married, children?

No.

No, no children?

No.

Oh, shit.

it uh you ever go to the walmart's uh i don't know what the walmart's you know where the walmart's is

at yeah uh is this your cell phone can you meet me there the walmart's um i probably could in the

morning oh what are you doing right now oh come on man um where you at sure where you at uh you

know where the churchill motel is yeah do you know where horse machine ranch road is uh

Uh, you know where Church Machine Ranch is?

You know where Volunteer is?

You know where the motel is, is that right?

Oh, yeah, yeah, you bet your ass I do, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, all right, so where are you at?

You're at Church Machine, what is it?

Church Hill Motel.

Church Hill Motel Machine?

All right, and you work there, you live there, or?

I live here for now.

Oh, nice.

Ever early.

Nice, nice.

Nice motel, it smells good there.

Yeah.

Oh, nice, nice.

That's very convenient, you got a motel.

uh yeah yeah do you have diaper money and all that oh you don't have any babies there well who

you there with now who's there with you your buddy your son yeah just me uh i thought you

were asking someone where horse machine ranch road is listen i i don't know i i meant i tried

to get a guy to do a job for me once at the walmart's meet me there and he got real upset

at me i don't know if it's the same guy or no yeah you want to be that guy oh well i i want

i flopped my dick out in front of him in my car and he didn't appreciate that none and he uh he

put his hands on me you know he put hands on me he uh he basically made me a part of the pavement

hello hello hello hello hello i don't i'm not convinced that was him when he said he didn't

have kids but maybe that's just his cover you know he was like oh i won't tell this guy anyway

i was looking for that audio but it's going to be a pain in the ass and it's not worth it we're

We're getting derailed here.

I don't have a curfew tonight, so I get really late.

You know what I mean?

Well, here it is.

Here's someone else.

Someone else did it without permission.

Apparently, someone else edited this down because it's 20 minutes and it's on YouTube.

This is not me.

I didn't do this.

Holy shit.

People stealing my shit.

You see what I'm talking about, man?

No, you're not sorry.

Step out of your fucking car and show your goddamn face, bro.

Show your goddamn face.

You just made me waste my last little bit of goddamn money.

You're going to hit me.

I'm gonna beat the fuck out of you if I see you, man.

No, no, man. Come on. Come on, man. Don't do that.

I'll come out of the car. If you promise not to hit me, I'll come out of the car.

Alright, alright. I swear on my life I won't do nothing to you.

Just come out here and talk to me. I swear on everything. I won't touch you.

Alright. Well, that's another thing. We gotta talk about the touching part.

Alright, this is a good thing.

I'm right here.

Where?

Right here.

Where's right here?

Right here.

I don't see you.

Right here, motherfucker.

I don't see you, dude.

Please leave your message for...

Do you think that's him?

I'm not convinced, guys.

I'm not convinced.

But I think it's fun to pretend.

Let's just pretend it was, all right?

Let's just say that.

It feels good, right?

Does it feel good to you guys?

Man, who the fuck is Digital Bear Productions

and why are you taking my shit, mother fucker, you?

God damn it.

Good God.

Sir or ma'am.

Well, I guess whoever that is came through

because I was able to play that right there.

uh we have a farm all club for some listen guys are you here dwight what's going on do i want to

call your cell phone if you don't answer you don't say something type something type if you hear me

type typing and we're typing and typing let's go oh he said be right back 10 minutes uh 12 minutes

ago so i'm back oh you're back yeah thank you thanks for coming back i thought it was me

this whole time because you know the producer doesn't fucking talk he's a deaf fucking mute

yeah fuck yeah you got your balloon there's lots of good stuff on live pd tonight man i'm telling

you you gotta start watching that show i haven't watched it yet sir i've heard good things from

you guys you guys are obsessed with it oh it was good tonight it was very good tonight yeah well

remember what jesus said that there before you go there you kim her you know well these two

brothers they got in a fight one got catfished and the other one was making fun of them because

of it two african americans no no they were white and so he's the one that was getting

made fun of trying to kick him out and he wouldn't leave and the other one punched him in the head

and that brother shit his pants hello yay how you doing thank god you're here hey you have a 1940

cent farm club farm club uh oh nice how how uh how long you been running that thing like is it

still running or is it just for look hey oh feces uh let me get my husband on the phone get a man

man on the phone who knows what's going on you know because you're just sitting there being

pretty go make some biscuits or something all right and wash your vagina all right thanks

how you doing there a hoss i'm doing pretty good good it's uh good to talk to you what do you say

there how you hanging pretty good you got a big dick i was calling i was calling about that uh

tractor machine you got there yeah does that uh i think still run i mean you still run is it just

for looks yeah nice nice so when's the last time you done used it well i never have i've never had

it in the field put sperm on it i got it and just cleaned it up fuck it it's been it's been my shed

for the last year uh okay all right nice nice uh what he's got nice paints on and everything

it looks all right yeah it's nice little tractor yeah all right very nice very nice all right and

does it have a big dick hey hey hey no but you know what i meant like the the dick i don't mean

like i'm not trying to be rude or nothing i don't know maybe you don't call it that out here hello

boba look i'm sorry i didn't mean i don't mean like you know like a private part i mean the dick

that's what we call around from in texas they call it the dick i guess you just what the the

length uh from left to right the wingspan i think is what you call it here we call it the dick i'm

I'm sorry, I won't say that.

I'm sorry.

What's the wingspan on that?

How many feet?

That's what I thought when I saw it said cub.

The last time I saw one of those, it didn't have a big dick.

Little dick on it, right?

Like you.

Between your legs and your underpants.

It's fucking...

He knows what dick means.

Hey man, I don't need your shit.

Whatever he fucking said.

I'm too tired for your shit

You got a big dick on that tractor

You got a big dick

Run over the chickens

Come here chicken

Alright, smiley later

There's the message I left

Nice old couple, thank you

We got someone here selling a

Worsher and dryer

You did send numbers Dwight, didn't you?

I did.

Did you wash them?

I washed them in the rain.

Washed.

What's a PTO?

The dick is a PTO?

Washed.

You're right, Dwight.

I should have said the gear shift.

You know how to shift that dick?

I meant to say stick.

I'm sorry.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voicemail.

Breast milk?

Nice.

What do I say to the breast milk lady?

Woman selling breast milk.

What's something funny I can say?

Chat rooms.

United chat rooms.

What can I say for breast milk?

whoever has the best idea that'll be the one i use or i could just come up with it myself right

yeah um so then before we get to that i'll do something else boom boom boom boom boom so this

person has a car day driver requires sunday double this is someone looking for a ride this one here

oh they uh they basically need someone to work a shift work a shift so for drivers okay gotcha

you need to work that shift for them and they're providing the car gotcha day driver requires

choir sunday double and monday jesus christ let's look here you know i used to have a medallion

number i got five medallion numbers cue for using magic jack we are performing upgrades to provide

even better service please try your call again later what the fuck magic jack is yeah but fuck

thank you for using how does magic jack just say oh we're gonna go down tonight okay well that's

bullshit any bright ideas for breast milk there dwight i don't want water in the in the past i've

had people like i i told him i'd like to purchase it and got the lady to agree to uh to actually

pump it while i'm on the phone so i can listen to make sure it's fresh i want to hear it before

yeah but that's make sure it's fresh they're fresh straight from the tent i'm gonna watch it

I'm gonna go honk honk

Honk

Honk honk

This is the song you play

When you

Buy a breast milk

Por favor

Deje su mensaje

Para

Puta

Hello

Oh man

Damn it Dwight

What was I saying

It was

I don't know

Try again

Third time

Let's do it

Por favor

Deje su mensaje

Para

Whatever

Thank you for calling

Toys R Us

And Babies R Us

Please hold

While we transfer your call

I give up

i give up on the toys r us look they're they must be super busy now the nerds are in there

buying all the toys they sold all the phones already all the phones are sold also they got

one phone left oh man well i guess that's the show no petting zoo and pony rides thank you

dwight mcclamahan oh you got more before that we got some chickens huh some hens cage nice nice

christina she didn't answer bitch all right i'm not missing one am i that's where i'm at

car didn't answer yep i had a bunch of phone phone cars those might be in uh our private one since uh

we added the producer in later yes yes yeah yeah okay we'll go back to this after this yeah you

have a cage yes i do okay good i have pit bulls for fighting i want to put them in the cage okay

what kind of cage is it chicken wire what is it exactly like you can see on the picture

Yeah, puta.

Yeah.

All right.

I saw the picture, but I wasn't sure if it's plastic or metal or aluminum.

It's metal.

Shit.

Fuck, yeah.

All right, good.

And what's the measure, then?

What's the measurement, motherfucker?

I put the measurement over there.

I think it's 36 by 22 by 24.

You didn't put nothing on here, no measurement.

Oh, well, I'm sorry.

God damn it.

All right, good.

And I pick it up, right?

Right. You don't deliver the shit, right? I pick it up.

You should, right?

Yeah, I want to pick it up.

You want me to take you to the house?

Well, you want to come here? Yeah.

That's not going to happen.

I give you money. More money.

I know.

Okay, then I pick it up. I pick it up.

Sure.

Okay. You want me to go to your house? You want me to go to Walmart's?

Yeah, anywhere you want near my place.

Okay. All right. You can bring wife and I'll put her in the cage and see if it works.

Sounds good.

Bring your wife. I'll put her in the cage and I'll shove my penis through the cage.

Okay.

And I urinate on her while you're watching

And you're touching yourself

And I'm peeing on her

Like this

So now are you happy now?

For your why

That made you happy now?

Now are you happy?

I'm peeing your why

Now are you happy?

No, not until I get the cake

Okay, now are you happy?

Not yet, no

Is that what you have in your brain?

Not yet, I'm not yet

Okay, now do you have you

Why don't you show up to my house

Okay, talk to me in front of me.

Okay, okay, puta.

Alright, puta.

Okay, motherfucker.

Okay, come to me, you piece of cower.

Come to me and talk that in my face.

Chinga tu madre.

Okay, you are very, very...

You're going to get punched in the face.

You're so annoying.

You're going to get punched in the face and the mouth.

Put her in the cage.

Put the monkey in the cage.

Put your monkey back in the cage.

hello hello hello motherfucker yeah hi motherfucker hi all right yeah

immigrants yeah oh you happy now you happy i'm not happy motherfucker please leave your message

for motherfucker you happy now all right here's another swap shop that probably won't answer

because it's late in his mother fucker they have a single wide mobile home for rent nice

dwight mcclanahan was conceived in a single wide mobile home that was for rent come on don't be

talking true story additionally his parents weren't renting it the rest of that tune in

tomorrow to dwight mcclanahan's party time here on prank call underground radio

you can't come to the phone right now come on man come on you gotta come to the phone

uh is there anyone else who would want to join dwight did i ask you that already i'm medicated

i don't know i might have been gone i don't know yeah you were gone anyway i don't know let's see

whatever i had bands but he loved he left us all oh man i don't want anyone else i know uh

i know uh axba maybe i know that guy there's the other not axba what's his name firmus

palindrome but he's busy finishing the guide oh god i gotta stop talking about that do you know

about this guide dwight this mythical guide everyone's talking about the guy i don't know

i walked right into it i didn't know say no it's not safe yeah don't yeah i don't know there's a

guy guys look out for that guide big i'm gonna be selling an autographed copy of the guide

signed by palindrome himself in his real name and he's putting his social security number on there

also apparently oh fuck yeah bro yep oh it's gonna be so good i can't wait i'm bidding on that uh

all right someone got uh someone's looking for comic books there you go do i know you're a big

fan of the flash here we go he's

looking for him where he's got him he's looking

for him looking for him oh yes you're looking for uh comic books uh that would be my husband

charles and uh he's not here right now can i take a message uh yeah yeah uh because i've already

spoken with charles and like he was supposed to be meeting me like 15 minutes ago to pick up the

comic books and like he's not here you're in dayton yeah yeah let me see if i can reach him on his

his cell phone oh you got us what is his cell phone number this is the only number i got for him

um i can't give that out but i'll be glad to give him a call uh what's your name and number

oh my name is mr uh and last name is motherfucker go to hell

go to hell what's her problem yeah she can't give us the number what's going on

Jesus.

Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

All right.

Let me go back to the numbers that you sent me originally before we were joined by the producer.

All right.

The first one there is someone who has a car night shift.

I don't know if that's the same one.

No, it is not.

We will now call this number.

Everyone, stand by.

My favorite one of these is the guy that you and me got so pissed off that he kicked the guy out of the car or whatever.

You know what I'm talking about?

Get the fuck out of here.

Fucking guy.

What else?

He was saying a bunch of shit.

The wireless customer you are calling.

Yay.

Next one.

Okay, this is for a day shift driving.

Where's my mouse?

Hello?

I've been having trouble seeing this mouse lately.

I don't know.

I don't know what's going on.

I think I'm dying.

Oh, Gilmore.

Why didn't you tell me people were here?

Gilmour.

Yeah.

Please leave your message for six.

Four.

Six.

Oh.

Sex.

Next one here.

This guy's name is Farouk.

Wasn't it a wrestler back in the day, Farouk?

I think so, man.

Remember Akeem also?

I remember they paired up.

They had this one pairing at one point in the WWF that made no fun.

It was like the big boss man.

And I want to say it was like some, wasn't it some dude named Akeem?

It made no sense.

It was a cop, a southern cop, southern hillbilly.

We're like redneck cop.

Clay says, yes, it was Akeem the African Dream.

I mean, he was out there with like a dashiki looking fucking shit.

Like African colors?

I mean, no fuck it says.

Why were they paired up?

I mean, no fuck it says.

Hey.

How you doing?

Good evening.

Oh, well, I saw you had a...

I'm looking to drive.

You got a car?

Or rather, a night shift job?

Yeah, I'm going to do my work for this.

No, man.

Come on.

I need to do this shit.

I'm in Brooklyn here, motherfucker.

Come on.

What happened?

I killed it, man.

What happened is right.

I fucked it up.

It's because I said what happened.

That's your thing, not mine.

Yeah, but that made no sense.

Yeah, Clay's our chief pro wrestling correspondent.

He would know.

No, there's someone that was selling a nanny goat, a week old nanny goat.

Yeah.

You know, sometimes these old people are up this late.

Crazy.

My mom was like, she'd be up till like three in the morning on a Friday.

Please leave your message for Rex.

Hey, Lexi.

Yes.

Lexi, hey, you got that goat?

You got that goat?

Call me tomorrow.

The goat is loose.

The goat is out.

The goat.

Where's it at?

It's on the road right now.

It's angry.

I think, is it in heat?

Is it a female goat?

hello i don't know she doesn't give a shit or she's currently like running out the door to

find the fucking goat oh fucking nanny goat oh my god the goat look at akim dancing hey

yeah that fucking does she that why was i just don't get it why the big hello get the fucking

goat get the fucking goat out of here hello sexy lexi sexy lexi she's there listening she's listening

so someone oh holy crap wait a minute hold up 100 pieces of lifestyle condoms huh ultra sensitive

ones too wow those that's those are the good condoms right there you should tell just wild

stories like you're gonna prick holes in them to get your girl pregnant like you're trying to trap

her you're trying to trap i'm gonna distribute these to kids in high school but they're gonna

have holes oh yeah you're giving them to you're giving to your youth class i'm giving them you're

a youth minister i'm you're gonna hand them out and be like you know it's okay to have sex and

then like your whole the whole fucking flock's gonna be pregnant just use a condom guys because

i need to spread the flock you need to grow all right i like this i like this let me change the

color id here to match rip it fucked it up anyone else join anybody can you tell me can't see that

uh we have the unk we have clay and gilborne the producer yeah yeah yeah yeah look are you

gonna talk you get your shit ready you gotta say you gotta talk shit you know you gotta talk oh you

sound like you're on tape that's very cool checks hey why don't you shove it up your ass don't the

phone all right see you bye yeah no i don't know where that came from i'm sorry hello hello yeah

hey how you doing yeah good good yeah i was uh giving you a call regarding the uh condoms you

had a hundred hundred piece set of condoms are the condoms condoms condoms you had condoms

lifestyle condoms 100 box a box of 100 condoms oh you mean uh 100 piece that one yeah 100 pieces

lifestyle ultrasound condoms but it's so already oh shit because you know i i put holes in them

i put holes in the condom i put holes in the condom and i give them the people and they get

pregnant oh i see i see you know because i want there to be more christian people to breed out

the dirty asians and the dirty mexicans i want there to be good white people so i give this to

kids in high school the white kids and say hey you want some condoms bro hey buddy like that and

they have holes in them they don't even know they're like little little little little holes

oh oh you mean the condom have a hole i put the holes in the condom and i give them the

teenagers

so they get

pregnant

yeah

get crazy

yeah

you give a

free condom

to the

teenager

but it has a hole

so that they learn

their lesson

you know

so that they learn

I'm doing God's work

because that way

more God's

babies are born

you know

and then

but not

and then like

especially like

you know

like the

the blacks

you know

um that's just like if a girl gets pregnant the guy's gonna be fine but the girl she's that's it

for her you know she's like 16 and it's done it's over you know what i mean what are they gonna do

now yeah not good teenager oh no yeah no no it's not i mean that's how it is over where you're from

where are you from china vietnam where you're from china it's like china yeah yeah you speak

Do you speak Mandarin or Cantonese?

Yeah, both, yeah, both.

Oh, ni hao.

Uh-huh.

Ni hao.

You are from China?

Yeah, yeah, I used to live in Shenzhen.

Oh, I see.

Yeah, I moved there to have sex with the whores, the women, the ugly Chinese women that couldn't find a man.

I would fuck them.

Oh, where to find a woman to fuck?

I also want to find a woman to fuck.

Oh, but I was an English teacher, and I fucked the students.

Oh, you're an English teacher?

Yeah, oh, if you want to fuck, I have good American women, you know, for fuck, if you want.

They like Asian, Asian boys.

They like Chinese boys.

Who?

Huh?

Who?

Your friends?

Yeah, I have friends, yeah.

Your friends can fuck?

Yeah, we party.

We're in Berkeley.

We hang out in Berkeley.

We smoke marijuana and we fuck.

Yeah, we have group sex.

Group sex?

Yeah, group sex.

Yeah, you know, like many men and women, you know.

and like do you like uh do you like meth uh math crystal meth or anything like that or we have sex

just sex is good do you like boys too or just girl do you like boy and girl or just boy or

just girl only girl only girl okay yeah we have many girls for you yeah if you want you want to

come you want to come down many girls yeah yeah you can come hang out yeah if you're cool are you

cool where where uh you know the turkish kitchen it's a restaurant in berkeley turkish kit turkish

kitchen uh-huh we're meeting tonight we're gonna we're all meeting here we're gonna have a couple

drinks or dinner food and then we're gonna go to the hotel together we have five rooms that we

booked together they're all together connected and everyone's invited to come yeah that's why

i was calling you because you have the condoms you know we but we'll just buy condoms you know

oh yeah do you know where do you can you can you can you you want to come to burkeville you mean

They don't know each other

No

Some people

Some do

But most people don't know

No it's just sex

We're just having sex

That's sex

It's you know

Just being sexy you know

Only sex huh

Yeah just sex yeah

And some people smoke marijuana

But you don't have to

It's okay if you don't want marijuana

That's it

You know

Oh just

Just have fun huh

Yeah you want to come

Do you know where

Do you know

It's on Shattuck

Shattuck Avenue

Shattuck

In Berkeley

How many boys and how many guys?

How many guys and how many girls?

Well, right now we have 10 boys and we have 13 girls.

13 girls?

Yeah, and 10 boys.

And 10 boys?

Yeah.

Oh.

So you could be 11 and there you go.

You can have two girls maybe, you know.

Oh.

Yeah.

Do you have any pictures you can send?

Yeah, yeah.

I can send you.

Do you want to go to the website, our meeting website?

Maybe you can send me the website because this phone cannot receive pictures.

us yeah it's so bad oh okay okay yeah then i'll send you website it's a gloryholefoundation.com

but i'll send you website but oh but it's all free right yeah of course it's free yeah well

just i mean if you want to eat or drink at the restaurant first and that's you but then we're

going together but no it's it's all paid for already yeah it's all paid for yeah yeah oh yeah

So you don't know the 13 girls, right?

Only just the first time to meet

I know maybe two or three of them, yeah

Everyone else

Only two or three

And then they bring some friends

And then also want sex, right?

Yeah, and everyone's sex

Everyone is having sex

We all have sex

Sex, many

A lot of sex

All until like five in the morning

Sex, sex, sex, you know

Really?

Like two girls, one boy

two boys two girl one boy one girl you know whatever you want what we have sex

and what huh what time can I come later well we're meeting in in 20 minutes at

the restaurant then we're gonna go to the hotel when can you be here oh when

can you be here when can you come to Berkeley I know you mean right now yeah

we're doing it tonight we're sexist tonight oh okay can you send me the

website first yeah you have website right yeah yeah website and then and then people go there

right yeah yeah yeah oh okay i'll send you a website but you need to come tonight you have

a car you have car you have taxi uber what are you going to do i don't know i need to give you

the address you don't want to come so you mean uh come come to eat dinner first say what come to

eat dinner first right yeah or drink whatever you want we're just going to talk and make friends

here to know each other and then if whoever wants to go can go whoever doesn't just go home you know

or really or just uh or maybe get some girl and then if you if they want to with so much

group sex right not not one by one uh well you it's group sex but there we have one room that

if you want to go just one by one then you go and you one by one and then the next people one by one

you know it's it's turns taking turns but then we have three rooms and we're all having sex on the

chair on the floor on the bed on the tv in the sink in the bathroom the toilet everything oh

who who who paid the room yeah because oh i'll put him on yeah let me put him on he's the president

of the glory hole foundation uh dwight you there oh someone paid someone paid already hello hello

hello hello hey hey how you doing uh listen yeah i'm yeah yeah the uh i i actually i work in a

hotel at the front desk uh and all i do is i put them on my account i put them on the on the on

the account and uh so what i do is i make it look like the rooms are empty so housekeeping doesn't

even go in there everything's good everything's great uh i even have uh we do catering we have

have people come in they bring shrimp they bring sushi uh sometimes we even have people deep fry a

turkey right in the room uh it's very it's very luxurious it's very nice oh do you like animals

because sometimes we bring animals like dogs and stuff in there we just tie them up so they can

watch too oh bring the animals or what yeah they watch we tie them up well last time we brought a

lion in and we'd like a lion watch uh and the lion was just watching everyone have sex with this one

one girl and then and then the lion got to have sex with her that's no laughing like she didn't

like it she didn't she didn't know what was going to happen then the lion impregnated her

yes so only only show off uh no need to pay anything i only show off oh no no we don't want

no money no money uh a video we might take video though we might take pictures oh you oh you have

some video and pictures too yeah yeah yeah and then you can take it home and you can watch later

oh now the condoms you were selling were those like Chinese small Chinese

condoms or are they normal sized condoms oh yeah because I told you the condom is

no more someone buy buy already I know but were they normal American sized

condoms or small Chinese condoms oh it's American condom yeah I'd be honest you

bought the condoms at Costco and they were too big for you and you had to

oh no no no no not not buy from costco yeah oh but you bought but right now is no what happened

yeah but right now they were too big for you no no no no no because the condom is someone sell

and then someone uh no need and then i sell i sell i have someone sell yeah okay yeah like i

had i have to buy prescription condoms because my dick is crooked your dick is really big uh

no it's crooked it's crooked 90 degree angle i have to buy prescription ones from cvs at the

a prescription i have to go get them it looks like a letter l uh-huh uh how big are you can i

we need to write that down to make sure that you're big enough uh can you say again uh how

big how big is your penis how big yes oh it's not too big it's just a regular regular size

okay like five four inches five inches five inch okay like five okay all right yeah that's good

good yeah we can work with that nice nice okay all right so yeah you can come i mean are you

going to come do you need the address or what's where we at we want to make we have to we have

to go now for the the meetup and then sex after and i hope you're there i want to see you sailor

okay okay sailor okay can you send some uh pictures or something yes yes we will we will

send it now when we hang up you will get pictures okay no no can you send me to the other uh cell

phone the other cell phone i i i sent to you okay so oh you can send you have another cell phone

that you want to send it to you're saying yeah yeah yeah yeah because this one cannot receive

any pictures or video oh okay so you want to give me the number do i you can you copy this down

please yeah yeah yeah i i i will hand up and send the other number and then you send me

You can't just give me the number

You can't just give me the number right now

Oh, okay, 415

812-3288

Okay, 415

You got it, okay, we got it

812-3288

Okay, thank you, I got it

Alright, I will send that to you now

Yeah, yeah

And then maybe send me the address

Yeah, okay, I send

I send right now, okay, alright buddy

Okay, bye bye

Okay, see you.

Bye.

Okay. Should we call him there?

That was fucking weird.

That was super weird.

I think he's married.

That's why he's like, no, no, don't send to this number.

It was a Chinese guy.

Those guys are not single

in the United States. They're always married over here.

I don't know. Whatever.

You know what?

I'm not...

Where are we at then? Are we going to call him back?

Do you guys have the ability to send him shit?

Text me. That's why I got the number. I don't know if you can

can send them pictures and then the address of the turkish kitchen we'll send them there

and then i'll call the turkish kitchen i haven't talked to them in a while turkish kitchen closes

at 10 their time which is your fucking turkish kitchen you ever ask if it's a bathhouse too

is it a turkish kitchen slash bathhouse i never brought that up to the guy

you got a gentleman's agreement not to speak with him anymore yeah i agreed to a police officer a

A detective, rather, that I was not going to call him anymore.

Because you actually talked to his sister.

Yeah, we were going to leave each other alone, yeah.

Because I played, like, he called them, and then he called me immediately

and left me, like, threatening messages, like he was going to kill me

and rape me and all this stuff.

So when the cop called me, I was like, the detective called me, like,

yeah, well, you know, he left me a whole bunch of stuff, too.

And it's like, really?

Yeah, and so I played him for him, and he was like, oh, well, okay.

Well, how about you guys just agree not to bother each other anymore?

he's like

I'm like yeah alright fine

I loved all those voicemails

you should play them

oh I had to find them I don't know

because we had a Turkish guy

translating them for us once in the chat room

on the old IRC room

he was translating all the shit

why don't you let him pick up the phone

hey Carlos

I'm going to take it

all the way

he said he's going to take it all the way

I got you

you why don't you whatever to pick up the phone hey oh man and it was jim stewart that pissed

him off originally the problem with that was a lot of people kept calling that fucking place

that's what drove him insane that's what drove him mad like everyone was fucking they did the

same thing to charlie over in honolulu the dude dropped everyone kept started calling him all

the time now they don't play anymore after we did the uh the pepsi orders oh that guy in his

pepsi order three thousand dollars man i've been out of the loop for a while i did one too i did

a pepsi order and said my name was dwight and then i tried calling back and uh uh saying something

like i was the truck driver the pepsi driver my name was dwight and i said oh yeah right two

dwights two dwights work for pepsi okay so the best the best thing that ever happened i think

nunu created someone it was no i think was dialer dialer made a a fake uh facebook account was

basically a complete copy of his real facebook profile so it was like all the same pictures and

all the same shit but like with really weird comments and like he was tagging photos like

he tagged his dick it was like him and his daughter playing golf and they were like taking

a picture together in a golf course and he tagged uh charlie's dick and it said daughter boner

shit like that uh and the the page got up like it got taken down and shit but the guy he freaked

out i remember that was the start of like shit getting really weird with them with charlie he

was always a good sport though i called him for years it was along the same lines when we did that

we did that same thing with michelle ice goose and i uh on twitter and uh then i uh i tweeted

did at michelle and said you know cocaine is a hell of a drug and she flipped out like trying

to totally like just credit this other twitter account that is not me like she was like literally

trying to throw out any type of information to prove she is who she was and she like she was

on the verge of like throwing her social security number out there to like prove that she is oh my

god she was so weird that lady yeah that's what i called her and i remember brad mess with her

a lot too that was always funny she was always after brad for a while yeah yeah she sent it back

yeah i know at one point uh one of brad's listeners said that they worked at fries or best buy

and she had to come in with a laptop they said they heard the name like michelle clevenger

and they've it's like it was like around the same town that she lived in so they figured she was

taking the laptop back yeah that's hilarious oh michelle i i remember i remember convincing her

that i was an actual doctor on my twitter um and and she's like opening up to me about like

pms what i called you a liar dog oh shit all right i mean i can be a liar

i'm a liar oh damn let me see if i can find the tweets but yeah no i don't know anyone in prison

oh oh man um yeah dude we did that we did the math on it once where she was doing like a tweet

every 15 minutes or something like that on average since yeah yeah she was tweeting like

she was tweeting like i think it was like some like couple hundred times a day like oh my god

yeah yeah it was it was pretty intense then i hope she's okay like all jokes aside um yeah

she was a hot mess yeah i think in the head yeah but i don't think she's not like a druggy kind

she drinks no but she doesn't do drugs but she's something happened in her past because she always

like mentions the guy used to work on pornos I used to work in pornos and I

know what's I know what sex is and dicks and pussy age she knows what that is

did she have a degree also yeah it's some type of degree she had a YouTube

video that we found where she was just talking about folders like folders are

a helpful because folders you can put your stuff in your folders so her twitter is still around

but it's just you can't see unless you're a friend right you lock it down yeah um i'm trying

to see if i actually still have her she might have wised up to it yeah

let me jump

Like midway into

The fucking Michelle thing

I'll jump like

You can just hear it

There's no money

and doing prank calls you guys are prank calling me okay you got my revenge like i was like

oh my god because that first show with her man like at the end i called every single number that

i called that night and it ended up being her and a zappos guy talking at the same time talking to

each other she's like there's packers and hackers calling they're crackers and crackers and they're

trying to who are you zappers asking the zappos guy for fucking help like can you help me can you

help me it was right that call that i just played that was right after like that was like an hour

and a half of me and ice goose talking to her and uh she's you don't know this guy eddie do you

do you know eddie eddie why are you calling she had some weird weird shit she said candle

cooing cunts yeah i don't get that and any boy girl other interactions further down the road

where she actually had a male roommate and she used she used to yell at him in the background

uh he said michael turn that fucking music down and like he'd be yelling back at her like i'm

gonna turn the fucking music down fucking go somewhere else and like we'd just be arguing

going back and forth like it was it was nuts yeah and she was always saying uh boy girl what's i

don't know what that meant i'm not boy girl or it's something it's not lady boy i don't know

what she meant boy girl or yeah anyway candle cooing cunts that's right whatever that means

you're a cunt girl who holds a candle and just goes

i mean i don't understand are you at a like a candlelight vigil and you're a cunt i mean it

it was great alliteration it's just i have no idea what the hell it meant i don't know man

all right back to them pranks back to them numbers here we go do we have anyone we need

to call back for any reason i don't think so man shit now i want to hear that show but i'm not

going that could be playing bits of shows yeah yeah no offline yeah offline to learn to control

myself uh ready healer dog i think we had more before that right fleshlights oh man

dude that guy on his condoms man oh you have more condoms eh i see oh you get plenty of condoms here

wow do i many condoms nice many many can someone else do a prank anyone else gonna take me off the

heat i'll do it i'll do it i'll do it all right dwight mcclanahan is gonna do a call here for

condoms kids out there i recommend we have point of portals before that too girls can't get pregnant

if you use condoms and especially if you don't kiss all circuits are busy now please

we got petting zoos up there petting zoos you can pet them zoos yeah

why are my circuits busy come on dwight what's going on here

all circuits are busy now is that a properly formatted number all right we got more condoms

you know forget that one here's uh condominiums all right here is the uh these are into dallas

Alice, the 59 assorted condoms.

All right, big guy.

That might have been too much info to give up.

Stop talking about it, Carlos.

Palindromes working on the guy tonight.

Can't wait to see palindromesguy.com.

Please leave your message.

Okay, moving on.

Fleshlights, Dwight, do you feel comfortable with those?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I know you have very conservative views.

They're not just for kids anymore.

one nope you're a good place to hide your weed base that weed yeah squirt some lime juice in

there with the weed yeah hello hey i'm calling about the fleshlight yeah can you text me i can't

talk on the phone right now i'm pretty busy you're pretty busy yes please text what are you doing to

that dog are you testing the fleshlights he said please text uh to it fucking i know right we got

a different number for him we'll call that now then all right yeah don't you worry about i do

do think at the end it says do not call me that's why i purposely put it up there it's like call him

anyway man i don't read that shit hey is flu season over yet motherfuckers i think so dr onk

you're a doctor no i mean i don't know i've i've had it that's you know a couple days it's been

pretty fucking bad great thanks thanks a lot yeah sorry can you please put a mask on if you're gonna

be on the show let me just put that on right now you have reached the voicemail box of fuckface

Ace McGee.

Trying again.

Same number.

A Chinese guy was down.

He just needs to get in his car and go.

Hello?

Oh, that was that guy again?

No, that's right.

I was calling him again.

I forgot.

Well, he answered.

He answered, right?

Isn't that great?

He's got such a boomy flashlight business, he needs two phones.

I can't keep up with all this flashlight purchase orders.

He's doing fucking quality control right now.

That's why he's on.

You call me back.

Just text me.

I can't really talk right now.

Testing his flashlights up.

The dog's locked in his crate for the night.

He's forced to watch him fucking quality control on the fleshlights.

God damn, they go outside.

Not again.

Yeah, you don't want to be jerking off in front of your dog.

It's pretty good.

No, you want to make sure it's lions tied up in the room.

Yeah.

No.

Lions.

They'll penetrate you.

Fucking lions sitting there with his eyes real bugged out.

What?

Expecting the lion.

That's all they do.

All right, more fleshlights here for Dwight McClanahan.

He can do it.

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

That's right.

I have a...

Your call cannot be completed as dialed.

Hold the phone.

Uh, we do have a...

I do have that flashlight that, uh, Jai had sent me.

Not one.

Oh, my God.

Oh, that's right.

Calls a mass confusion.

I just pull on it.

It looks like a dick.

Blow into it.

Yeah, blow into it.

Well, this ain't looking good.

We got a purebred breed.

Breed.

Surebred Breed, Red Heeler.

Okay, that's the way to write it out, guys.

The wireless customer you are calling...

Did not pay their bill.

Dog for stud.

I can get some firewood calls.

Try to get some incomings firing in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I could do incomings.

It's really fun.

I'm going to take a break here in like five or less.

Probably after this.

Sounds good.

And then we do the incomings.

If the horse is available.

Those will save the night.

Hello.

Please leave a detailed message.

message and i will call you right back thank you bye-bye wow okay i am russian purebred

i breed the dogs i masturbate the dogs i inseminate the dogs manually hello

hello please leave a detailed message and i will call you right back thank you bye-bye sure man

Alright

Leave message please

Stolen typewriter found

Well found

Alright Dwight you got this stolen typewriter

Yeah

So they're saying they found it

Or I think they're saying

It was stolen

Oh you found it

Or are they trying to say hey I said it was stolen

But it's found now

No no

According to the article

Well, they believe they have some stolen typewriters in their midst.

English is my second language, so there you go.

Yes, hello?

Yes.

Calling about the typewriters.

I'm sorry?

I'm calling about the typewriters.

What about the typewriters?

Well, I'm the person that stole them first, and I need to get them back from you.

What are you talking about?

I stole them, and now you have them in your possession, and I need to get those back from you.

Well, I don't think so.

Why are you taking that stance?

Well, because number one, if they're stolen typewriters, why would I give them back to somebody that stole them in the first place?

Well, you stole them from me.

No, I didn't steal them from you.

I stole them from someone else, and now you've stolen them from me, so they're right from the beginning.

No, actually, somebody left them.

Actually, somebody left them.

And how do you know what typewriters they are?

Hey, don't play games with me.

We both know about the typewriters.

No, don't play games with me.

Don't play games with me.

I don't have a problem calling the cops.

I've been through enough.

I don't have a problem calling the cops.

I've been to jail before, and I don't care.

So have I. I don't care either.

I put the typewriters on the internet.

It's none of your business who it is.

Who is this?

You tell him just to lay back and shut up.

You lay back and shut the fuck up.

You're going to get on top of me?

You're going to drown me with your kids?

Hey, whoever you are, you better shut the fuck up.

I'll get your number, motherfucker.

Leave us alone, whoever you are.

I'll give you my number. You ain't even got to get it.

I'll give it to you, motherfucker you.

Yeah, fuck you too, asshole.

Think I'm scared of you?

Don't call this number and talk to me like that, motherfucker.

asshole what you're a wet bottom bitch asshole what'd you say no i want my fucking typewriters

back asshole who are you don't you fucking worry about it now where are my typewriters

don't you worry about it motherfucker don't call me and talk to me like that don't call anybody

on the phone talking to me like that shut your fucking mouth shut me fuck you come and shut

my mouth bitch i'll shut it for you now where are my typewriters come again i'll meet you

somewhere come on you want to be at the walmart you bring my typewriters bitch i'm not your bitch

Bitch, asshole.

I'll show you, bitch.

Asshole.

Hey, whoever's with you, tell them to shut the fuck up.

They don't want to talk on the phone.

That's cross.

Tell them to quit sucking your dick.

You're talking about cross like that.

Motherfucker.

What?

Fuck you, motherfucker.

Fuck you.

Yeah, fuck you too, asshole.

I know, you got me all excited.

Now, fuck a dick.

Later, bitch.

Where's my typewriter, you little bitch?

All right.

You realize how stupid that was?

You got me.

I see someone get so excited over some typewriters.

you got me my bad i'm gonna go meditate now it's that typewriter game man it's uh it's do or die

out there in the cold streets who cares if a typewriter gets stolen these days a b who steals

a fucking typewriter i need this typewriter oh shit it doesn't go online fuck it oh throw it

back i thought i'd get youtube on here fuck call him back call him yeah switch numbers switch

all right all right let me um let me god fucking typewriter he was pissed she's been to jail too

bro for the beginning he's like what the fuck oh shit it's like these were like antique typewriters

that like his father like invented and put together himself and he hand machined each part

like his grandfather has dna still left in these typewriters he wrote he wrote a book

i don't know yeah come up with some uh i don't know uh what's his face uh yeah you know that

guy that one writer the gonzo guy what was his name the gonzo john hunter s thompson yeah he

it was he was his typewriter he wrote the uh he typed the rum diaries on it no okay yeah sure

He wrote basketball diaries on it

He could attribute a book

That he didn't even fucking write

And half of his Playboy articles too

All his Playboy articles

Were in the 80s

Alright

It's fucking history man

Alright here we go

Am I talking to him?

Yes you may

Here are the millions here

Everybody on the mouth

Please leave your message for 6-6

He's calling the cops

please leave your message for six six one six six six uh how about we call him when i come back

from break let's take that break yeah that sounds good let him call the cops and everything yeah

yeah i'm gonna grab a grab a cigarette and a beer and i'll be be back momentarily all right

i'll try to smooth it over with him do i put that on the big board so we don't forget

it's on the board i talked to echo all right cool so hopefully hopefully when we come back

we'll get some incoming calls

we'll hopefully get to talk to that dude again

if you're on twitter

which you probably are

I'm at madhouse on twitter

madhouse.live

on facebook

also be sure to check out

patreon.com forward slash madhouse

to support the show

there are several options there

I'll go into it later

but you can go there and help out

help me out

help out an artist

Turn up a not-so-starving artist.

Yeah, support creative endeavors.

Support my marijuana addiction and the fast food that I buy behind my wife's back.

And it's like, why is your sugar always high?

Don't do it, guys.

I'll steal it.

I'll steal all the money.

I'll steal it.

This money is supposed to go to some dude, but I'm keeping it.

That's my big plan.

That's my retirement plan.

And also, Pranksgiving starts next week.

Be sure to check that out.

I don't know why that's on the board here still.

Let me kill that.

That takes that off.

I haven't updated this in quite some time.

It says Pranksgiving schedule, whatever.

All right, I'm going to...

Yeah, break time.

Listening to Madhouse on the largest.

Prank station in the nation.

Prank call nation.

I think she's stalling.

She's trying to set me up.

Came all alone.

If it's on, then it's on.

Where's my motherfucking phone?

Only jealous niggas go as home

But I'm a man, so a gun in hand

I'm on my way to see this home, you know the f*** plan

Can't understand, but the things ain't the same

You can die over these bitches if you're sniffing in the gang

Niggas gang bang, but bitches gang bang

You give up that good thing, then put that pistol to the gang

And be a smart figure, don't have no love in your heart, nigga

Any complications pull the trigger, most of them disgusted

Bitches can't be trusted, you know the rules

They underhand it, you planned it, you f***ing fool

You know what I hope? That when you die

They put your GPS in your box

And a trap door at the bottom

So when you die, you open that trap door at the bottom

You check the GPS

And you go straight down to the hell

Madhouse Radio is back

You are bigger than a woman

You are better than a woman

We'll always be behind you

Do not let a woman ever

Make you who you are

everybody call it a machine i am the host of bad house radio which is the show you're listening to

right now show podcast maybe future video someday i don't fucking know i'm here joined with uh let

me see dwight mcclanahan is here the horse producer guy is here msc3 clay is deaf mute who's

here gil mumbo is not talking dr unk is here however with his nice hair and beard and uh

And I'm joined here by Major Chaos.

How are you doing, Major Chaos?

What's up, guys?

Long time haven't had you on the phone.

Yeah, I've been busy with work, you know.

Just trying to live another day.

It's good to talk to you.

Do you have an aversion to being called Prankmaster when you're on this show?

Are you over that?

Yeah, I've always been over it.

I just want to go by Major Chaos.

So the artist formerly known as Prankmasters here for those longtime listeners of the show, it's good to have you here.

Prankmasters, I'm sure you heard, I haven't brought it up yet.

We haven't done a tribute show yet because I'm trying to align everyone, particularly Ted Webb wants to be involved.

So he needs a few weeks to become available.

Of course, KDK, unfortunately, passed away.

He committed suicide last February, February 2017.

So I know you were pretty upset about that.

you knew kdk before i did you how did you start out you used to so you you found how did you find

zolar and get him hooked up with kdk way back well the thing was is when i virtually first started

out uh i was looking for prank phone calls and i think i heard uh i was looking in yahoo chat

because but back in the day that's how i heard prank phone calls so i've heard like different

artists and stuff nobody really ever stuck out to me and then i heard somebody mentioned

fucking blackout phone calls here yeah all right so i decided to check it out i checked it out and

uh lo and behold i found katie k and i was like oh yeah you donate phone numbers and stuff like

that and i was like i wanted to be a producer for him so i ended up finding you know getting

people like uh solar i contacted comedians people who did pranks and stuff for him to do interviews

and stuff i got uh time me but i still got time apes phone number right how'd you get zolar's

number though because zola was just a guy who did a few appearances on stern did you meet did you

meet him in new york or something like how did you know i never actually met him uh in person until

you know he was listening to kdk and i guess he made a few phone calls and i guess he wanted to

open up his own show and he's like i don't know how to do this and i said well i'll drive down

and i helped you out and well i wouldn't be hurt i kind of helped out so long from there so there

you go yeah well we'll get into all the particulars but it was sad news about kdk for i mean shows

the recent shows that we've done here i've been giving out you know daily like saying hey if

anyone has any information regarding kdk let us know we've been looking for like i was actually

in connecticut last week and i was literally two miles from his house and i was going to be like

Like, yeah, I wanted to go visit and I was going to give him a contact and phone number's gone and website's gone and everything's gone.

And I'm like, yeah, it would be interesting if you can get K-Bone and Michael Bigley from Black Box.

I could tell you so far, I heard Blackout was Blackout's box.

I think what you're saying, Michael Biggins is interested.

Ted definitely is.

Zolar hit me up.

but didn't confirm yet i talked to lego at length about the situation um jen stewart wants to be

involved and i need still need to get a hold of sean ward i'm sure yeah i've been trying to get

in touch with sean what i told him and i don't think he you know realized because uh peanut

punch radio you know that's a name that you could never forget and every time i talk to him i always

mention it it's a real thing i didn't i went to the caribbean and they had peanut punch down there

there i was like i thought it was some bullshit sean made up yep and then uh also uh talk also

reached out to and he should be involved also and there's we want to do it i've been listening

every night i've been listening to the uh the lunatic fringe uh shows that i think somebody

put up on your on there so i downloaded all those so i've been listening it's on my facebook yes

it got spread around i believe it's in the pla page also in the prank call nation one there's

a pretty good archive out there we're we're i started going through it myself too um it's a

massive archive i started trying to mark down like trying to find little instances of things that

happened as i remember um it's kind of hard to go through though because he kept all the music

and everything in them um i've also been trying to pick out the songs too that he played a lot so

um we want to do it right that's oh i talked to milkman about it too we want to do it right so

So we're going to take our time and just, I mean, he already, he died.

He committed suicide over a year ago.

He didn't even know.

And it's like, it's kind of upsetting that nobody really knew until we kind of figured it out.

Yeah.

Well, then come to find out when I, when I announced it, one guy was like, yeah, I thought everyone knew about this.

I've been following his real world Facebook page and his cousin posted on there, letting everyone know, like back when it happened.

And I talked to her and confirmed it.

I was shocked.

yeah i was like i had no i didn't know like we were literally been looking like we were like

looking everywhere brad was looking everywhere and we were trying to confirm the old ways we

used to mess with them and yeah yeah it sucks but at least i think if you know if everybody

pitched in i mean if we knew that he was out in the streets i bet you everybody that i knew would

have pitched in a buck or two and we'll help them you know get back to where he was you know family

His family had offered him, and he refused it several times, apparently.

His own family had said, hey, well, you can stay with us and stuff, and he was too prideful.

You know, he was that kind of dude.

He was like, no.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know if he was too prideful, but...

But, yeah, from what I understand, he got really drunk one night and just shot himself in his car with that one gun that he shot on accident once on air.

Accidentally.

He was messing with his dad's rifle, and it shot, and he got scared and ran away.

he got in his car and drove off because he was waiting for the cops to show up he came back two

hours later and nothing no one had done anything no one called the cops no one did anything so

wow yeah because everyone got scared everyone thought he had killed himself because he just

heard his bam and then he went quiet and yeah fucking asshole anyway so yeah we'll have many

more stories like that real quick uh major chaos so you recently took a trip to orlando i don't

live there anymore but i understand so all right so now what happened you had a coming to god moment

you you spent how long after the avatar land had just opened and you spent over an hour in line to

get into onto the ride to the avatar experience i spent an hour to get into the line on avatar

and i couldn't fit oh man so you were too of too big tonnage to get on there they said yeah i

I couldn't, you know, with my hips, I got two big hips, and I couldn't fit, and I was fucking upset.

There was a couple rides, maybe about two or three rides, that I wasn't expecting to be able to fit.

Like, there was the Space Mountain, which I already knew that I wasn't going to fit in, but I tried it anyways.

You know, I got an extra fast pass, so.

And this was also at the time that Hurricane Irma hit afterwards.

Oh, were you there for Irma?

Yeah, I was in the middle of Irma, yeah.

Oh, that's right.

And I do remember you were posting online, Facebook, the pictures of you and Irma, of Irma.

I thought I saw that from you, yeah.

Yeah.

Yes.

All right, so which parks did you went to?

Did you have a park hopper, and you couldn't do all the rides then?

Yeah, I had a park hopper.

I actually went up from a charity casino night, and I won three park hoppers.

No, four park hoppers.

nice and so i got to go to it was a one-day park hoppers so i got to go to every single

uh every place you know for free and i only spent 50 bucks to get into this casino night

so really i had a great deal so 50 bucks and i got four park hoppers wow wow but then you

couldn't so you got to see a lot of shows lost shows did you yeah i'm not really too big into

shows i was like just more about the rides did you do did you do space uh the space ride

ride the the space encounter at epcot did you get to that one yeah yeah that that's a lot of fun

all right that's a fun one i'll tell you those those rides like even at uh cedar point with all

their uh their roller coasters they're not the most uh bigger person fucking friendly rides like

even like because when i went last time i was six two and i weighed 230 and i was in really good

shape but i still couldn't get into a bunch of the rides just because i was i was a taller uh

uh beefier guy i was actually in shape but like my shoulders were too big so like those shoulder

harnesses like i couldn't get a lot of those to come down and lock in and like after waiting

you know two to three hours for rides i was so pissed yeah universal studios in orlando they

actually put um a copy of the the seat at the beginning of the ride that you can test out i

don't know if you went to universal when you were yes i did i went to both parks and universal and

And, again, same problems.

I actually had worse times getting onto the rides at Universal.

Well, yeah, those are rough.

Those are rough.

Like, yeah, you won't be able to fit in the Hulk,

because I could barely fit in the Hulk when I was pretty big.

Yeah, I was kind of upset that I couldn't get into Harry Potter, but I was like, what can you guys do?

Oh, we can give you a Fast Pass.

I'm like, but I already got Fast Pass because I'm staying at one of your hotels that's the most expensive hotel.

What did you say, the Portofino?

or yeah i stayed at the port of oh that's nice dude you know they used to have uh used to be

able to take a gondola ride uh there they don't do that anymore because of alligators i guess

they saw alligators and you know because one of the things that i did was is uh most people don't

know is when you go to universal uh there's actually where they have a survey thing that

you could actually go do and they give you a 75 i think it's a 50 or 75 gift card to spend at

that universal whether it's on food or gifts wow and you can get that all all you can eat

pass for the day to eat all your soda you drink and i think they gave you like hot dogs or

something i don't know i i'm not too big of a hot dog guy so the only thing you can eat in orlando

at a park is the turkey legs that's the best thing the best deal yeah that's the most fulfilling

thing that you can get i must have ate a lot yes yes that is the best deal the most filling it's

like fucking primal you go out there i used to buy two of them and have one of them in each hand

the first thing i want to go on a fucking ride i just go right universal i would turn right and

you'd pass the terminator 2 uh show and right there was the first the closest turkey guy to

the entrance by two of them that's yeah well i did that show's bullshit i uh i i got uh kicked

out me and my uh friends because we uh we tripped the the guy playing john connor who was taller

than sarah connor first of all hello but he they run through the theater and we knew because we

We used to skip school and go there every other day sometimes.

And we put our legs down on purpose.

He fell.

And they were going to escort us out of the park, but they did not.

Yeah, my two friends, Mike and Jeremy, they got kicked out a few times for being stupid.

I'm surprised they didn't get, like, banned.

Number one, there was, like, a guy with basketballs, like, selling basketballs.

it was like one of those games like you know throw a carnival game you know make three hoops

in this over this overinflated basketball and shrunk loop whatever so he was like he was bouncing

around and he'd pass it to you like hey you want to give it a try so he passed it to mike and then

mike just started tossing it to jeremy and he started going back and forth and running away

bouncing it like they were dribbling it and um loss prevention went after them

yeah but i did uh i did the halloween horror nights and to me this was the second time that

i've done halloween horror nights and it sucks dude all right all right yeah we got to get back

on the pranks but halloween horror nights my gripe with that is i went from the first one

maybe until like the 12th i think and they just got progressively worse and worse and it ended up

just being like drunk assholes looking for fights and yelling really loud woo and no no no these

guys yeah these guys don't even actually the actors that they hire they're not even fucking

actors they just hire any but any idiot other kids no they're just kids from you know yeah i

know people that work that thing is just they don't have to scream they use audio to cover

their you know to cover what they have to do and all they have to do is just put it to action

wait they don't scream anymore because they used to scream no not none of them do oh that's good

do they have chainsaws do they have the chainsaw guys anymore yeah yeah they still have the chains

but none of them actually have to scream or anything and they change out every 45 minutes

i work at a haunted house i work uh usually four to five hours straight through screaming my brains

out each and every night there you go there you go everyone prank master i'm sorry major chaos

is uh halloween aficionado used to also regularly we're catching up guys all right all right this

is a lazy fair show we haven't talked to this guy in years uh you used to go to a lot of conventions

and you had this youtube channel but i used to watch and you don't really update it anymore

but yeah i kind of stopped because uh you know i wasn't really getting much feedback from the

people and you know it didn't really take off to where i actually wanted to go yeah um so you

You worked on a cruise ship?

Yeah, I worked on a cruise ship.

I was working all over the place.

Did you do any dancing on the cruise ship ever?

Did you ever do any dancing?

No, no dancing.

Don't they have a staff night?

You can go to the club and dance, you know?

Yeah, they have their own staff bar.

Nice.

Nice staff bar.

Very nice.

All right, everyone, we need to get back to pranks.

I know you're a big fan of dolphins also.

I understand.

That's awesome.

Great, good for you.

Me?

Do you have funds?

Yes, pretty much.

All right, okay.

Dwight, where are we at here?

Where do we leave off?

Are we going to call back

a lot of typewriters?

We're going to call a typewriter.

And this is our pal, Dr. Unk,

that's going to do this, I believe.

Right, right.

Unk, are you still here?

I'm sorry I got, you know,

we're catching up.

Typewriter, here we go.

Dwight, you might have to do it

if Unk is gone.

Oh, he had to go take a shit?

Oh, well, motherfucker.

wait where are my typewriters hello where are my typewriters oh man that was a big build-up

oh they didn't want to play no more where'd the husband go yeah carlito i just uh also talked to

um uh jupe aka monkey phone oh yeah those guys used to mess with you a lot they're out i haven't

heard from those matt and mark those two weird little kids oh yeah they grew the fuck up and

And it's like, holy shit, you couldn't imagine.

But yeah, they're definitely interested in coming on the show when you do it.

Oh, that'd be nice.

Good.

Yeah, the Monkey Phone kids, I guess they're not kids anymore.

Did they end up straight or did they turn gay?

No, they ended up straight.

Oh, good, good.

I was wondering about the one, you know.

Yes, please.

Incomings, yes.

If he could let me know if he wants to do it, just to make sure.

and I don't know if I have to do a select of a certain...

He was the one that asked.

Oh, yes, please.

Hi, hello there.

Yes, hi, you have a stolen purple bicycle.

Stolen purple bicycle?

What is purple bicycle?

Yeah, do you have a purple bicycle?

Hello?

Purple bicycle?

Bicycle.

I don't have purple.

You do?

I don't have bicycle.

No?

Oh, man.

I don't have bicycle.

Did you lose a bicycle?

No, no, no.

I didn't lose any bicycle.

Did you...

Oh, I know.

No, you were supposed to come to the sex show, to the sex party, right?

Yes, sex party, but your phone is not working yet.

That's why I call you.

Yeah, I don't know what's going on.

I'm calling you from the hotel now.

24-7, group and go.

Hello?

Yeah.

Yeah, go ahead.

Go ahead.

Are you going to, can you come?

All right, look, I'm going to put you, I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do with you.

I didn't mean to call you, but we want you to come have sex with the women, you know?

Many women for sex.

Can you send some pictures, the woman?

You want to see me or the woman?

You want to see my penis?

Yeah, no, I want to see some woman because I'm right now trying to go back home.

I'm going to put Bernice on the phone.

She's a woman.

Bernice.

Huh?

Bernice, do you want to talk to Bernice?

Maybe.

I don't know if she's here.

She could talk to you.

She's a woman.

She has a vagina.

Hello.

This is Bernice.

Huh?

Hi, this is Bernice.

so you need to see a picture of my vagina.

So I'll send it to you right now.

You are a woman?

Yeah, I'm a woman.

Sorry, I just...

I sometimes smoke a lot.

No, I want...

I'm sexy, but I'm so weird.

I want a real woman.

I'm a real woman.

I'm a real woman where it counts.

My vagina, my breasts, my heart.

Yeah, I know, I know.

No, no, please, please.

I have holes that need filling.

I know.

I want a real woman.

I'm so wet right now.

I want real woman. I try a lot.

Yeah, Bernice.

It's okay. Real woman, not trans woman.

So why right now? Come give it to me, daddy. Give it to me all night long.

Okay, yeah.

Let me put you out with Thad again. Hey, Thad. Thad. Thaddy wants to talk to you again.

Hey, it's me. It's Thad. Hey. So you're not coming then? You're not coming?

No, because this is not trans. I need the real woman.

Oh, okay. Well, I don't have the woman. I mean they're here, but they're fucking right now, you know

Yeah, so you don't have a real woman, huh?

Let me see if I can get her for you. I think I'm going inside the room now. They have loud music

There's a lot of fucking going on

Yeah, how are you? Yeah, how are you, honey? Yeah, how's you?

I'm good. What are you doing tonight? Yeah, I'm trying to go to sleep now. I'm tired. No, don't go to sleep

Oh, don't do that

My nipples are hard. You got crazy over there. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Talk later. Yeah, I'm in the basement. Okay, sorry

I'm very very weak right now. Why? Are you driving through a bridge?

Yeah, all right. I hear you. Okay, because the call drops when you go under the bridge. I got you in a tunnel

yeah all right okay bye bye that was that my bad i called that guy back there here's the

i don't want trends i don't want the trends so what

oh yeah you got that stolen purple bicycle hello yeah purple bicycle yeah you got it you want it

or what who is this my name is cross okay yeah i got the purple bicycle you got it yeah okay

Okay, what do we do now?

How you want to do this?

Where are we going to exchange?

Exchange what?

You give me back the go-kart, I'll give you back this here bicycle.

Go-kart?

You stole my go-kart, I stole your purple bicycle.

Now you give back my go-karts.

You're in Bakersfield.

I have a Bakersfield number.

That's not where I'm at.

You know where I'm at.

This fucking bicycle of yours, I'm going to break the shit out of it.

You don't give me back my go-kart.

You have 24 hours.

Okay.

I'm going to keep this bottle that says Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Uh-huh.

I'm going to keep that.

And you got this pump in here in this bag.

Uh-huh.

I'm going to keep that, too.

Okay.

And I'm going to keep the seat for smelling.

Uh-huh.

Where do you want to...

I'm just kidding, Bubba.

I want to give you back this bag.

I feel bad.

Where do you want to meet at?

You know how to get to Walmart's?

Which Walmart's?

Customer Service.

My name is Walmart's.

How can I help you?

Yep.

Call me.

Okay.

Well, you don't have to be rude, sir.

I'm not being rude.

You called me.

What's that attitude?

Like, you called me.

Wait a minute.

You asked me, how can you help me?

And I said, well, you called me.

How do I help you?

How does I called you?

That's a fact.

A statement.

That's not a request.

Listen.

Ignorant.

Oh, sure.

Stupid.

My phone rang.

I picked it up.

A lady said, press one to talk to a representative if you want to take advantage of an offer.

So I pressed one.

Right.

And then you came, how can I help you?

Well, I pressed one.

What can I say?

You didn't say that, though.

You said you called me with attitude.

No, no, no.

Nasty attitude.

No, you, sir, you, sir, called me.

Right.

And what's the problem?

Okay.

Hello.

You offered me a pack.

Yeah, we got that shit for you, motherfucker.

Fuck off.

Hey, we got all that shit.

we got all that shit motherfucker hello bicycle yeah bicycle yeah how can i help you with your

bicycle who is this oh my name is cross christian cross no just cross okay and you're in california

i got your bicycle just some kind of gag it's an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth sir

you took something of mine now i have something of yours i ain't got no teeth left yeah because

i done stole them all i guess you don't want your bike if you're that serious and no bike for you

you okay i know you got it um we'll meet at walmart all right which walmart i'll tell you

what the walmart in calabasas i'm gonna leave a piece of this bike there so that you know which

one is california now there are four walmarts in calabasas you understand calabasas has four

walmarts in the general area yes damn now listen it will be at one of those four calabasas walmart's

locations a piece of it or the whole thing just a piece so you know it's truth i'm going to return

this back to you piece by piece now okay i will you will get a phone call at this number i will

tell you which of the four walmarts it is at you will then have 13 minutes to retrieve it or i will

keep it the rest of the bicycle and you will never see it so you're calling a random phone number and

somehow you think i have some go-kart of yours i have i that's the reason we took the bike is

is because we saw you driving the go-kart onto the property.

Onto what property?

Your property.

Onto my property?

What property is that?

You know where you're at, sir.

I don't need to go into that.

Okay.

What state was that in?

I'd have to look at the records on that.

I'm just the broker when it comes to this stuff, all right?

All right.

Arizona.

All right, you happy?

Calling random Craigslist phone numbers from Arizona?

No, no, no.

No, we have your bike.

We have your bike.

Okay.

Can you text me a photo of the bike from this number?

All right.

I'll tell you what, we're going to go buy a newspaper from today

and hold the next to it so you know that it's real, okay?

Yeah.

And then we will communicate on this number.

Do not talk to the authorities about this or you will not see the bike again.

Cool.

Do you understand?

Same goes for the go-kart.

Deal.

Cool.

Bye.

Let's get out of that committing a crime.

I need to tell you there, Carlito, I got called twice today from IRS scammers.

Really?

Yeah, I was just too tired to fucking deal with them.

But, oh, can I take this and come?

Yes, you may.

I had an energy provider bullshit scammer come to my door today,

told him to fuck off.

I grabbed the paper from him, and I crumpled it, and I threw it on the lawn.

Yeah, both times I looked at this number, I was like,

I don't fucking know this area code.

So the first time I picked it up and hung it up,

because I didn't feel like going into my voicemail later

and having to delete a message.

And so the next time it came out, I was like, fuck, I just declined it.

and i go back in they get an american voice talking out there now they're starting to learn

and uh talking about oh irs an issue and a warrant for your arrest and i'm just like

and they're like contact us back on this actually i could probably pull the number up and have you

call it let's see if it's still valid son of a bitch let's do it let's go my call

fucking fucking scammer so yeah this guy he came knocked on my door to my lunch break and he was

was like i'm here to do that uh what did he say i'm gonna read your read your meter no it wasn't

read the meter it was check your readings i am here with uh extra crap i don't know some

energy and we're here to check i'm like i'm like what are you talking about like what and he goes

oh you must not gotten the newsletter so yeah uh we're here to see if you qualify for another year

of the prorated energy blah blah blah like no we're not interested and he goes no and he shows

me his little tablet thing and it's got it's got printed out it's a looks like pretty much like our

power company's thing with little graphs on it that shows your kilowatt usage hours and i said

let me see that and he kind of hesitated so i like i was able to like get my hand on it and i

looked at it i kept him from yanking it away just holding the whole thing looking at it and it was

was some bullshit it didn't even have my address or name and shit you know what i mean and i i like

i crumpled it off of the thing and i tossed it into the um to the yard i told him to get out

and i pointed at my camera on on the ring doorbell and he said oh it's like oh oh he said um he said

thank you for calling pen prison pen pals how can i help you what is this prison pen pals

Pen Pals Incorporated. How can I help you?

You called me.

Yes.

I called you.

We're trying to contact you, let you know that your prison pen pal has notified us that they haven't been in correspondence with you in quite some time.

And they were wondering if you were going to continue this relationship.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Mr. Bill O'Hallahan, I believe it is, says that you've been exchanging letters for the last year and a half during his...

You got the wrong person, honey. I've been married to my husband for 64 years.

Well, it doesn't mean you can't have a prison pen pal.

I don't have a pen pal.

A prison pen pal?

That's correct.

Not me.

Sorry.

Bye.

Bitch.

Nice, nice.

Anyway, so I closed the door, and then he hurriedly went back, because I saw it on the camera feed.

He hurriedly went back to it and uncrumpled it and was trying to straighten it out.

I think it was his only copy of that bullshit that he was just showing that makes it look all legit.

Okay, I take this one.

Absolutely.

Hi, customer service.

How can I help you?

Take me off your call list.

Yes, how can I help you, sir?

Do you like the Visa gift card?

I would love to take down your information

and get you that $100 Visa gift card right away.

I'm not interested in your gift card.

Yeah, all right.

I know you're interested.

Hi, customer service.

How can I help you, sir?

I'm 85 years old,

and why are you calling me at this time?

Customer service.

Ah, yes.

Hold tight.

Hold tight, young lady.

Hold tight, madam.

Let me get you all set up

once i talk to this old cat here that's uh one second here all right sir let me just take down

your information and then uh madam if you'll just hold tight we'll get you all set up here

yes sir sir what's your first name hello sir hello the old coot the old coot are you still there i

don't know he's gonna be here anymore we wake him up to death no negative he's gone now crap

who do you think he is uh uh chaos are you uh again you don't do prank calls anymore i don't

know what your status is with that because you're not a prank master anymore yeah no i never really

was uh good at doing pranks i just always was trying to listen to them yeah yeah good good

point good point man all right awesome yeah man you did the show once you were on a show one of

mine and you basically did a bomb threat to a car dealership i was like you gotta be fucking

kidding me jesus christ i remember reckless called and after that he was making fun of you

he used to always make fun of you yeah he gets zolar all wound up two three you start fighting

and everything yeah remember i don't know if you remember one time you asked me you're like hey

should i go to zolar was doing a show and you said should i go to zolar's house and do the show with

him like yeah sure you should yeah you totally should you should also take some food you know

know if you're going oh yeah i'll get pizza so i told zola i was like hey prank met that you

made your chaos is on his way uh over with pizza it was raining he's like all right cool and then

i guess you you knocked on the door and he like didn't let you in or something and it was raining

on you and he made you show him the pizza yeah and you opened the box and the rain was good i

don't know he told me so i i'm sorry for that i didn't i'm sorry i made you drive from jersey to

New York or whatever. Whatever it was.

Yeah. Good times, though,

man. Man, we had, yeah,

you know, the beginnings of all this shit.

Now look at us. Now we're prank call

millionaires. Yeah, Laura's retired and

now doesn't do much

and it's like, I kind of wish she was still around.

Oh, man. IRS

scammers from Dwight McClanahan.

Alright. I just rang through, but maybe

you'll have a better look. Alright.

Here we go. Alright.

They gotta sleep. Nope. Looks like I'm getting

the same effect. I might try

calling him tomorrow afternoon and recording it.

Alright, we still potentially have incoming

calls coming in. That was fun. Good work

Augie and Dwight on those. Thank you.

Did that guy say Christian? Did he know

a Christian Cross? Maybe that one dude,

the bike guy? What, like Christian Cross?

Yeah. Is this Christian

Cross? He must have beef with some guy named Christian

Cross. Or maybe

they're right, right. He meant like the

Christian Cross. Okay.

Got it, got it. Alright. Heading up for

more numbers.

Gotta figure out where I left off.

I actually pissed a guy off pretty bad the other night with an incoming and said I was with Prison Pen Pals.

And he's like, I got no fucking Prison Pen Pals.

And he just went off.

I actually made a video.

I'm going to release it in the next couple days.

All right.

So, okay, gotcha.

Yeah.

That sounds fun.

We tried to call the Fleshlight guy, right?

He's the guy.

He got a little weird.

All right.

There's a different Fleshlight.

Fleshlight's for men.

All right.

Did I call that one?

Did I call all the Fleshlights?

You called them.

I did.

You're right.

Those are the first ones.

Do we call the stolen, what's it called again?

Typewriter.

Oh, you were taking a poop, I think.

We did.

I was taking a poop.

Oh, sorry, I was taking a poop.

The producer had a good idea.

Call up liquor stores and apologize for stealing.

It's hard to recover your 13 steps.

Yeah, you have to apologize, right?

And just say they used to go there and steal a lot of alcohol and pooze.

All right, cool.

But before that, we'll try the typewriter gun.

This one is for Mr. Dr. Unc.

Yeah, I'll do it.

but I'll do it.

Here's an incoming right now.

Uh-oh.

Canceled again.

Please leave your message.

Hello?

Customer service.

My name is Julio.

How can I help you?

Hi.

Your automated calling

is calling my house

at 11 o'clock at night.

Oh, it's working.

Good.

Good, good.

Thank God it's working

because it's been on the fritz.

It's been calling

the wrong people

all night tonight.

It's been calling people

over and over again.

It shouldn't be calling

anybody at 11 o'clock at night.

Remove me from your call list

or I'll report you.

Now, wait a minute.

If you need help with that,

we need to take care of it.

That's a process now.

or not it's going to keep calling you tonight it'll keep calling until they'll get some kind

of response i have to put in the computer all right so hang on for me please so i can

process this i'll have a documentation like a confirmation number for you too

i'll wait if you get another call you can report it to the federal trade commission

all right you've had how many calls now hello god damn you hello is there a problem julio i don't

know they're gone jerks they are um that's that's so on typewriter is going straight to voicemail

don't know maybe he just left it left it off he picked up once please leave your message for six

six one yep we could just leave a message good good um i found out where i left off uh i left

off at fishing poles stolen stolen fishing poles here does anyone want that anybody i'm uh i'm

dropping all these numbers that i'm dropping hawaii numbers thank you thank you oh hawaiian

liquor stores i gotta check out what uh pricks also took a red two gallon hello hello yeah hey

Hey, you had some stuff stolen from your porch?

Yeah.

Yeah, you got some fishing poles.

You got this big yellow one.

A big yellow one and a brown one.

The yellow one was a seeker.

Yep, yep, that's this here.

I got it.

Where'd you get it, and who are you?

My name's Ruben.

I got it from a friend.

I got it from my friend's house.

Okay.

Some guy I know, you know?

Someone I know.

look i stole them i feel bad all right i was

hungry and i figured i could fence these and it ain't working out right i don't know how much

this is worth i figure the best thing is maybe i return them to you and we call everything you

know you don't press no charges and i don't come back now well you've been back once already i

I think, or somebody has.

Well, okay.

Well, now, the gas is used up.

I can't, you know.

Well, I understand that.

All right.

We cut some lawns and stuff.

The gas is used.

Okay.

Well, I appreciate that.

We'll figure out something.

I'm out of town right now, though.

Oh, where are you at?

I'm down in the Bay Area.

Oh, nice.

You meeting some man or something there?

Well, I'm at a friend's house over in Petaluma.

All right.

you're having sex or what are you doing no hell no why not i like sex sex is good so there's no

one in your house there's no one in your house right now how interesting all right i understand

okay all right no problem so what are you gonna be gonna go in there and rob the rest of the

fucking house now too no i wouldn't dream of that no no i need to get these back to you though when

When are you going to be back?

Well, where are you at?

Because I see this is a 661 phone number.

Yeah, it's my cell phone.

I bought this at a 7-Eleven.

Don't worry about it.

It's all right.

I'm from out of town.

That's all.

Well, I'm just saying I know where 661 is, and that's between me and where you're at.

Oh, man.

Or me and the house.

That's what I'm saying.

That's where I'm from.

Because you're from there.

I ain't going to do nothing.

i ain't gonna do nothing i ain't gonna do nothing where are you at uh i right now i'm in my car at

the walmart's that's where i sleep well i mean you you were saying uh i i don't really want to

say man come on well i mean i just want to get you stuff when are you when you okay that's what

i'm saying when you're gonna be back when you're gonna be back and i'll get you i'm up i'll be back

sunday afternoon so i got until sunday afternoon you're saying this is gonna be the perfect

perfect weekend do you have hbo no oh shit all right you got a pool table i ain't got shit

ah shit all right i live off fucking social security i go fishing once in a while ah shit

yeah damn yeah well i'll get you this shit back you know uh what i want to do is just get with

you when you get back we meet at the walmart's and i will trade that's fine i will give you that

and we'll shake hands no police though all right because if this police there is gonna be i'm

I'm going to break them right there before they get me.

I'll be like, you know, I'll break them over my knee.

All three of them will go like that.

Break them.

One, two, three.

Okay.

All right.

If you're on the up and up, I'll meet you there Sunday night.

Sunday night at Walmart.

What time?

I don't know what time I'll be back yet.

Ah, shit.

You call me back then.

You know what I mean?

I'll call you back.

You call me back.

I'll call you back Sunday.

What's your name?

Reuben?

Yeah, my name's Reuben, motherfucker.

You call me back and we'll figure this out.

i'll leave my my schedule open for sunday night to get you this shit all right we'll make a deal

and we don't want any imperial entanglements i ain't worried about it i get shit but you got

the gas cans too by any chance uh i think i can get you them yeah i mean they're empty

they're empty and shit but well yeah but they're still you know i need to sell my

rotator once in a while too you know all right all right now that gas is unused now i mean i

know if you want to you can siphon some gas out of my tank you can siphon my tanks if you want

will that help you no i ain't worried about that if i get fishing poles and cans back i'll be happy

all right then we're square i want to make sure we're square all right we're square at that point

yay or nay yeah all right then all right i'll talk to you then bye get out of my forgot guy

here get some hassle with me i got your number all right bye jesus christ shut up you're not

out of home interesting interesting

he didn't realize what he did he's like

the kid the kid who got a phone call

when he was alone at home and said yeah

my parents aren't here hey little girl

are your parents home now oh you're

alone yeah oh okay see you we try

calling who we're calling I'm sorry the

liquor stores yeah let me get let me get

to that. Very racy calls tonight

with me. Doing some stuff.

Talking about stealing shit.

There's no

fucking time for that.

I've been to jail too.

I hope they get that to you, Dwight.

You can play that on

your next show, your next party time.

Real quick,

this person has 30 cords

of firewood. This is Dr. Ron.

Firewood calls.

It's Jersey too, so they're going to be extra

fucking super pissed all the time.

You know how they are, those people.

Speaking of which, one of Dwight's favorite shows coming back,

that would be Jersey Shore.

Is it really coming back?

Yeah, they're all old looking.

Are they actually the same cast, or is it just going to be a whole bunch of dirty weirdos?

No, it's the same ones.

God, I watched Worst Cooks in America Celebrity Edition.

They had the situation on there,

and it looked like he'd been eating up butt-fucking cold cuts that the show went off the air.

like he was fat in the face

and like it looked like he was on droids

like hardcore

the situation

the situation was just

his stomach his like abs

that's all the situation was

he was beefy like he was

fucking fat in the face

he must have gotten on them drugs

oh man

you think uh I wonder if Snooki

would still hate his ass for telling

everyone that she sucked his dick

which i still didn't really know if it was true or not i believe it she really i think she stuck

to that it wasn't true so her her man wouldn't leave her they're still together are they really

no that's a that's a guido that's a domestic abuse relationship she cleaned she cleaned up

somehow i stumbled upon her youtube channel and she's all like i cleaned up now and i'm a mommy

and she just does crafts and does interviews and oh my god she's popped out oh two kids they just

have really long limbs two shits two little shit kids that's horrible to say guys come on uh here

we go with wood for dr. on yeah did we lose incoming calls they hung up they hung up on

that let's pick up hang up we should probably call him back up hang up call him back connecting

starting media hello hi yeah i was uh on craigslist i saw your ad for the uh firewood um you have a

a bunch of firewood um i've got a bonfire going on right now and i could definitely use some

firewood and uh where are you where are you your number came up california yeah yeah people move

around um but no i'm i'm up i'm up jersey now i'm originally from la but uh where are you at

i've got this rager of a party where are you at just and i'm in uh i'm in neptune right now

yeah where are you at jersey we got this whole people here and the fire's doing them down

We've got all this liquor and blow that we're doing.

We've just got to keep that fire going.

We already cut down enough wood.

Customer service, my name is Wood.

How can I help you?

I've got all this wood that we need.

Yes, how can I help you?

How can we help you?

Let's go.

Hello, how can we help you?

Yes.

Are you there?

We're both here.

Is there somebody there?

It's me, Margaret.

Yes.

I've got two things going on right now.

Hello, yes, I need that firewood.

I need that firewood.

I want to file a complaint.

It's 12 o'clock at night.

Yes, ma'am.

Yeah, we need that firewood for this party.

Okay.

Is there any way in the world that people can stop calling at night?

I can put you through to a manager who might be able to help you out,

but you have to promise not to be rude or use foul language.

I am not going to use foul language, but I am absolutely livid.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Ma'am, you need to calm down.

Calm down.

Watch your language.

Chew an aspirin, please.

What was your second issue before I transfer you?

I'm sorry, what?

What was your second issue before I transfer you?

You said you had two issues.

One was to stop the calls.

What was the other issue?

Well, I do want to stop the calls,

but I would like to speak to somebody about calling at midnight.

Okay, that would be my manager to help you out with that, too.

That would be fine.

Okay, so, again, you need to be really polite with him

because he gets really upset, and he's a Christian.

That's really too bad.

I get really upset when I'm awakened at midnight.

Okay, well, that's not our problem, okay?

The computer does the calling.

Yes, it is your problem because you called me at midnight.

We just run the phones.

You're being called by a company who...

What?

Is there a problem?

Yeah, there's definitely a problem.

I'm going to have...

Ma'am, I'm going to have to put you on hold so that I can get you taken care of here.

Just a moment.

We'll get the call started, but you have to hold.

All right?

Jesus Christ.

It better be fast.

It will be fast.

Shut up.

All right.

Yes.

Hello, Supervisor?

I have a caller for you here.

What's going on?

I kind of heard a little bit of that.

She sounds really pissed.

She's kind of a bitch.

She's complaining.

She's cursing.

She's using nasty foul language.

I am not cursing.

I have not said the word.

Yeah, she's on hold right now.

She can't hear.

But I'm going to transfer her through, okay?

But be careful.

Just, all right?

She's really rude.

All right, ma'am, thank you for holding.

I apologize for the wait.

Here's my supervisor.

Thank you.

Hey, ma'am, this is Thad Peterson.

I was just, um, my associate would hear.

What kind of an idiot was Thad who said that I had been cursing?

I am not being rude.

You all have been rude.

You have called me at midnight.

Ma'am, I need you to calm down and speak with full and complete sentences.

I'm not going to calm down.

Ma'am, I'm trying to get a resolution for you.

I'm a manager, and I'm trying to make sure that you are satisfied as a customer of our fine service.

Now, what I need you to do is take a deep breath for me.

Just in, one, two, three, four, and out, two, three, four.

You all are crazy.

Now, what can I do to help you, ma'am?

Ma'am?

Yes, what can I do to help you?

I want you to stop calling people at midnight.

Well, ma'am, unfortunately, the robot does that.

And the robot has a certain amount of sentience.

Well, the robot needs to figure out how to stop calling people at midnight.

Well, the robot can't be negotiated with.

Ma'am, don't you raise your voice at me.

I swear I will.

You're an idiot.

Ma'am, we need to calm down because we need a resolution for this.

The robots are sentient.

Nice.

All right.

That was fun.

Who were that?

that idiot people on mute and uh talking shit sounds like a bitch excuse me i can hear she

can't hear her she's on hold right now oh man never gets old so back to the numbers thank you

again dwight for sending in numbers thank you for the incoming calls from the horse machine

here's a number for a liquor store in hawaii let's take this one i just didn't you can take

i'll do it i'll do drunk dwight dwight with the line item veto here we go i don't know why trump

didn't use that line on a veto today what a fucking cuck yeah hello yeah i have i need to

call you and tell you that i need to apologize apologize for what i have been in there over the

the last week at least three times to steal liquor from your store to feed my alcohol addiction and

to get drunk and and now that i'm drunk i feel i feel a little remorseful should i do i feel really

bad all right but i do when people turn their back and that's what you should trust trust us

to the most on that well not when you know like you should just trust us when you're facing

facing a customer but like when your back's to us too you should trust us too and i i took it

and i drank it i offer no payment well don't be it then well i want to know because i got some

So, I got this, like, I will, if I, I have a plan.

If I fill this up with water a little bit, and bring it back in with, can I get another bottle?

If I bring this in here, is it with vodka that I took, and I fill it up with water, and can I get?

Take it easy, buddy.

What?

Take it easy.

I said take it easy.

Why?

Fuck you.

Why you do that and say it to me?

Because that's what you should be doing. Take it easy.

No, I want to bring this in and refund, because this tastes like water now.

Oh, so now it tastes like water, but you're drunk.

No, well now it tastes like water.

What's going on? It doesn't add up, man.

It doesn't add up, but you have a faulty price.

But you're drunk, and you are saying that it tastes like water?

Lightly buzzed.

So what do you expect in return?

I expect an exchange. I bring it in and you take it.

So is it still in the bottle?

We exchange the bottle.

You exchange the bottle. Well, we can only dream.

What do you mean?

Because you've drunk it. I can give you another plastic bottle if you want.

I didn't drink it. It's going to be full when I bring it in. I'm not drunk. I don't drink.

You don't drink. You walk.

You don't accuse me of being a drunk.

Oh, I thought you said you was drunk.

No, I said lightly buzzed.

You what?

Lightly buzzed.

Lightly buzzed?

You have something there.

You've consumed this.

No.

No, you haven't.

The cook from dinner put wine.

He put wine in my pasta.

How did you get to that point?

And he didn't cook it all off.

Ah, I see.

So you drank a little bit.

So you're a lightweight.

No, I don't drink.

It's a problem.

You don't drink?

No.

But you did just drink.

No, I didn't drink at all.

I'm confused.

So I need to bring this back in, and you need to give me an exchange.

An exchange for something more potent?

But you don't drink.

If you want, I can do you a favor and drink it for you, but that's as far as I'm going to go.

No.

You don't need to give me something.

Then we have a problem, then.

Stalemate.

No.

Yes, I think we have.

I'm just buying it for decoration.

You bought it for decoration, huh?

I bought it for decoration.

Well, you consumed that decoration.

What?

Consume that decoration, right?

This isn't Christmas.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Well, then we're both just as confused, though.

Have you been drinking?

I have been drinking.

Have you been drinking?

I don't know.

I haven't drank one drop in over 10 years.

You just said you're lightly buzzed.

Lightly, very lightly.

So you have been drinking?

No.

I'm buzzed from marijuana.

Oh, I see.

So then you should take it easy, then.

Everything's good in this world.

I need an exchanger.

I'm going to call the Better Business Bureau.

Well, I can get you their number if you want.

I already looked it up.

You already looked it up?

Well, then you're all set, buddy.

You're all set.

Call me buddy.

All right.

I'm going to come in there and steal some more shit.

What do you want to steal?

Can you let me know what you'd like to steal?

I want to steal some cigarillos so I can roll some jazz-

Cigarillos?

Cigarillos, yeah.

Yeah.

I can sell you these cigarillos.

Wow, I'm going to take them.

They're popping like hotcakes, buddy.

Like hotcakes.

Hotcakes?

Yeah, like hotcakes.

Hotcakes.

Fuck you, man.

You use all of my shit.

I just like this language that you're using.

I think our time or friendship has come to an end.

I didn't even ask to talk to you.

Toodles.

Toodles?

I don't need no fucking noodles.

What an asshole that guy.

Fuck.

Yeah, what a dick.

Who do you think he is being so nice and shit?

we got numbers from nunu in the discord discord.gg slash pranks

customer service my name is whip not gonna help you all right hello customer service hello

hello hello hello i said something there the last yeah i didn't think he was there so i was hanging

up yeah i'll transfer to you thank you for calling customer service my name is

how can i help you uh stop calling this number oh you guys speak to a supervisor if you don't

want to be called anymore uh put me through to the supervisor all right well hold your

fucking tits and i'll get you right through please hold this is cross supervisor what's

going on dwight hey how you doing there crow terrible i got it i got this asshole

customer service on them is blah blah can i help you are you calling me a quarter after

or midnight? You're on the list.

You're on the list. Don't be nasty.

You've called twice already.

Calm down. Chew an aspirin. What's wrong with you?

Were you sleeping? What's wrong with me?

What's wrong with you? I'm working.

What are you doing? Sleeping? I want to be on the do not call list.

I'm trying to sleep tonight. Well, I have to transfer

the call to that department and do that for you.

Can you please hold, asshole?

Hello, supervisor?

Yes.

I've got some guy, some old fart

here. He's on hold. He can't hear us.

He's being a bitch and he wants to get taken off

off the list, all right? I'm going to put him through

because I can't deal with his old fucking ass.

Here we go. Yeah, sounds good. Sounds good. I'll handle it.

Sir, thanks for holding. I've got my

supervisor on the line. Here you go.

Take it away. Hi, this is

how can I assist you?

Do not call us. Why are you calling me?

Settle down, sir. I'm trying

to assist you here. You don't need to shout.

Do you know what time it is here?

Yes, I certainly do, sir.

What time is it?

It's 15 minutes. Actually, it is

20 minutes after midnight.

So, obviously, I know exactly what time it is.

And customer service, how can I assist you?

Why are you calling me?

It is 1221.

Yes, it is 1221, as this gentleman is also here.

I do not appreciate the call.

Hi, how can I assist you?

I'm the supervisor.

Hello?

Hello, yes, hello, customer service.

Yeah, hi, are you calling me?

Yes.

Do not call me back again.

It is 1221.

I am trying to sleep.

If you call again, I'm calling the Better Business Bureau.

Hello, why are you calling the Better Business Bureau?

We better not call her again

The Better Business Bureau is on the case

They're a bunch of assholes

The Better Business Bureau, they can't do shit to us

Yeah, they can't do shit, we're untouchable

We're Visa Promotions

Yeah, we're not with them, we don't pay them money

to be a part of their organization

We're not afraid of them

We're not afraid of the Better Business Bureau

You hear that, sir?

They're no better than the NRA, lady

You need to shut up, shut up and go in the kitchen

We don't answer to any western powers.

I'm not going in the kitchen and cooking anybody anything.

You're going to cook it with fucking heat is what you're going to do.

Get in the kitchen now.

Let's go fry some eggs for us, honey.

Yeah, make some eggs Benedict for me, sir.

Then pull down your panties and give us a whistle.

I just need your information to take you off this list.

I'm not taking this woman off though.

She just is being a super B about this.

But if you're still here, sir, I'd be happy to take you off this list.

by comparison she's just an awful human being it's a good beer she she sounds like she might

be going through the change oh are you having hot flashes man yeah she having hot flashes

babe you need to calm down take a deep breath chew an aspirin i think she's walking to the

kitchen to make me some eggs benedict thank god are you writing all this down for the better

business bureau come on oh do you want to talk a little bit more that's fine oh you sound she

sounds like she's hitting on us now she sounds like sexual don't hashtag me too lady it goes

both ways don't be harassing me what is your current state of sexual arousal a scale of one

to turned on yeah on a state of one to three fingers scale of one to five digits better

business bureau how can i assist you yes hi i'm a chance from the call over to use a woman here

complaining about some bullshit yes clear by desk off here i know of all the important work that we

have to do here now we have to take her fucking complaints we have to take down a peg yeah you

know all those businesses are going to extort she doesn't know how to unplug a phone because

because she's stupid.

She should be cleaning the kitchen and cooking right now.

Yeah, she should be, instead of being up this godforsaken hour.

Jeez.

Hello, can I help you?

Hi, yes, Better Business Bureau.

How can I assist you?

Yeah, that sounds like a load of bull.

If you don't take the number off, do not call it.

Watch your mouth.

Take the number off.

Why are you on the phone now?

Is the lady in the kitchen getting ready to set up for a bridge club?

Wow, you guys are a bunch of sexist assholes, aren't you?

Bye.

Bye, snowflake.

Poor guy.

I feel so bad he's got a wife like that

I feel very bad for him

I bet she makes him tuck his dick

Did I disconnect this one?

I'm going to disconnect this one

They left

That guy's probably just like these people

These people

These bunch of sexist assholes

You sexist pigs

You just ask if she's in the kitchen

setting up for bridge club

You don't have to be a woman to play bridge

You don't have to be a woman to make a sandwich

I'm going to make a sandwich after this show now

Thank you for calling customer service, you motherfucker.

How can I help you?

Will you please stop calling me?

I want to go to sleep.

Go to sleep then, but I'm not going to stop calling.

Fuck you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Call me back.

Thank you.

Nice.

Yeah, we are.

We really are.

Thank you, producer.

Machine.

Yeah, it's always great.

It really goes all out.

Oh, yeah.

Let me go back to the liquor stores.

Oh, yeah.

These are Hawaiian.

it and see if i can't make amends for you know for the drinking and the stealing of the drinks

yeah the drinking and stealing and all that tell me tell me yeah oh man i don't know how do you

steal a bottle of liquor i don't know like i worked at a liquor store i looked i worked at

a liquor store and this kid tried to steal a bottle of goldschlager and he dropped it on his

way out and he ran away and i'm like all right whatever i wasn't gonna chase after you have

I've reached a number that has been disconnected.

It was no longer...

Scoop up all the gold and try to go...

I'm rich, bitch.

He's a liar.

Yeah, the supervisor came in once.

I remember I was there.

It was like a grocery store that had a liquor store next door.

Like, you know, part of the grocery store.

And he's like, yeah, so the place, you know, down the other side of the UCF,

they just got...

The liquor store just got robbed and won a winner park at Rob.

I'm like, oh, shit.

Well, yeah, so, you know, you know what to do, right?

I'm like, what?

He goes, yeah, you know, man.

If someone comes to steal, they weren't robbing money, they were stealing stuff.

They've been going in, they're filling up a car, and they're just running out the front door and leaving.

I'm like, all right, what do you want me to do?

He's like, yeah, well, you need to get on the phone, you need to get on the intercom and call a code 4.

Hello, customer service, my name is code 4, how can I help you?

Code 4, would you please stop calling my number?

Don't be rude, that is my name.

That is my name.

Excuse me, you can call me Mr. 4.

I'm sorry are you calling to redeem your offer

or are you calling to be taken off the do not call list

take my number off your call list

do you want to be taken off the do not call list

yes

no I want to be on the do not call list

no you said yes I'm going to transfer you through

right now to get yourself taken off

hey Dwight I got a bitch on the phone

and she won't shut the fuck up about getting off the list

she's gone

as soon as you said no no you said I'm transferring you

she's fucking hungry now

it's like when you just reboot the computer without saving it

so that you don't commit your changes yeah god i love incomings they're so much fun

yeah i love phone i love phone calls i love call centers i love calling you too i do too

i just i just lost my job at at uh one where i had to do a lot of customer service before i had

like a big person position in it nice um so i kind of missed doing the customer support yeah

Yeah. Customer support, man.

You know, it's some bullshit.

Um, we were...

I was...

Customer service, this is

Thad. How can I assist you today?

Hello?

Listen.

Hello?

Yes, hello.

Listen.

Listen, Linda.

This is Linda.

Linda, listen.

Hello?

Hi, yes, this is Thad.

How can I assist you, Linda?

Do you realize what time it is that you're calling?

Service, how can I assist you?

Hello?

Service, how can I assist you?

Yes, hello.

Hello.

Yes, take me off your call list.

It's 1 o'clock in the morning over here.

Yes, hello, how can I assist you?

Hey, hey, don't take that tone with me, sir.

I just need to take down.

Don't you tell me what to do with you, jackass.

Don't you call me no more, you son of a bitch.

Yes, hello.

Sorry, I think we got disconnected there.

Hello?

I'm just trying to help get our customers off of this list.

Tell me what to do.

Tell me what to do, motherfucker.

Yeah, tell me what to do.

This is my phone.

Tell me what to do with my phone.

You calling me.

That was a bad argument.

You called me.

I heard that tune after.

Yes.

So good.

That's an AXPA thing, I believe.

Okay, that's a Firmus thing, I think.

Ah, it's Firmus.

Chewing aspirin.

Firmus.

He just goes like, yeah, alright, man, let's chew an aspirin.

This is a liquor store.

For you.

Alright.

Alright, I'll take it.

The answer.

Service, this is Ed.

How can I assist you this fine, fine evening?

This is Thad.

What can I do for you, buddy?

I can tell you, you guys are calling me at midnight.

I can call you at midnight?

Sounds great.

You're calling me at midnight.

Sounds great.

Almost like three times.

If it occurs again.

Mm-hmm.

We're going to call the police and have them go after you.

Hi, customer service.

This is Thad.

How can I assist you?

I want to get on the do not call list.

You want to get off of the do not call list?

Sounds good.

I want on the do not call list.

She has called me six times.

Bab, Bab, settle down.

And it's after midnight.

Bab, settle down.

We're going to work through this one together.

All right?

Just need you to just call up your britches down while we sort through this.

All right?

I'm here to help.

I'm here to work through this.

You just need to, you know, chew an aspirin.

calm down um i'm gonna have to transfer you to my supervisor if you want to be removed from the list

so can you hold tight we're gonna work through this i'm gonna get you off the list just hold

tight okay i'm gonna put you on a brief hold okay this cross supervisor what's going on i went off

i went on the do not call list oh you went off the do not call list you want to be on which

no i want on it you want you want off the list i want on the list you want on the call list

ma'am i don't do that's that's you want to be on the call list i have to put you through

to that calling list i don't understand how did you get i don't want on the call list

you do want to call no i do not want you to call me again i can get you a call back if that's what

you need no who the hell are you i am going to call you and find you do not call us hey hey hey

hey it's a federal crime to make a threat over a telephone as a line why don't you hold it like

Bullshit. Bullshit, motherfucker, you.

Fuck you. You ain't got shit.

Fuck you. You ain't got shit, motherfucker.

We're not in the...

Hi, this is Thad. How can I assist you?

Hi. Yes, you can assist us.

Hi. This is Thad. How can I assist you?

Why are you calling us at midnight?

I'm calling you? That was really a very well-phrased question.

We're trying to give you this Visa gift card.

I don't want your gift card. You can shove your gift card up your ass.

Hey, ma'am.

No cursing. No cursing.

There's no cursing on the phone here.

to you by supervisor hold tight listen this is the supervisor again i'm talking to a supervisor

i'm calling the police motherfucker you can't call shit man i thought they were on the other line

pick up that phone i don't understand what do you think i don't understand we're just here to help

we're just here to help i mean i don't know why they like that they're so mean and nasty to us

as people i'm just trying to do our jobs i'm trying to make it so she doesn't get any more

phone calls and look how she treats me and you you know you did you did great you did great about

that would cross i don't care what anyone says you're a great manager oh thank i try

thank you for calling thank you for calling customer service my name is anal bleeding how

can i help you hello how can i help you hello all right goodbye okay i scared him hi this is

gold to cut oh god just want to remind you that i haven't done anything wrong uh attention

pejorative workers we got some fucking snake that guy thank you for calling your friendly

Thank you for calling.

Using your touchtone telephone, make a selection from the following choices.

Or stay on the line and your call will automatically transfer to our customer service desk.

For store hours and location information.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Take me off this call, do not call number.

Okay, yeah, we'll take you off the do not call list.

We can do that ASAP.

Okay, because this is the third time.

It's after midnight here.

It's not complaining, bitch.

Yeah, well, don't worry about it because we took you off the do not call list and you'll be put on the call list.

Dude, I don't want to be on the call list.

You just said to take you off the do not call list.

Asshole.

Sir, don't curse.

If I find you, you're going to get...

You're going to get what?

Hi, thank you for calling customer service.

This is Gull Ducat.

How can I assist you?

Please take me off your call list.

Attention, Bajoran workers.

How can I assist you, ma'am?

This is Gull Ducat.

How can I assist you?

I don't know if I'm talking to a person or not, but please take me off your call list.

I've heard that before.

I've actually heard that quite a bit.

I'm actually quite human.

Hi, customer service.

This is Gull Ducat.

Attention, Bajoran workers, how can I assist you?

Take me off your call list.

You want to be put on the list to be called back? Sounds great.

Take me off your call list.

All right, sounds good. We'll just keep calling you until, you know, you give us a call.

This is Gull Ducat, by the way.

Damn you, people!

What's going on?

Hello, ma'am. Yes, this is Gull Ducat. How can I help you?

Just want to reiterate, I haven't done anything wrong.

What is going on?

What? Hello, ma'am. Yes, how can I assist you?

What is going on?

I'm trying to assist you, madam.

Hi, would you like to be removed from this call list there, team?

What's going on?

I'm trying to assist you here, ma'am.

I'm Gul Dukat.

My name is Gul Dukat.

I'm trying to...

Where are you calling from?

I'm calling from Hoboken, New Jersey.

Actually, I'm not calling from anywhere.

You called me, so...

Now, listen.

You listen.

No, we've got a call here.

You listen.

It's after 12 at night.

It's 1238.

What are you doing calling people this time of night?

I'm not calling, ma'am.

I'm not calling anyone.

You're the one who called me.

I'm just trying to get a resolution here.

I know the machine might have called you.

Thank you for calling customer service.

Goldacott, you need to get off of my line.

We got the lines quite soon.

I'm sorry.

I do tough call service here.

Okay.

You handle your person.

I'll handle mine.

Customer service.

Yes, ma'am.

This is Goldacott.

Sorry.

Yeah, the customer service.

This is Hank.

Would you please stop calling my number?

Goldacat, your shrill woman is interrupting my conversation with this woman here.

Your mother must be extremely proud of you and what you do for a living.

She is. She is.

Attention, pejorative workers. Awake.

There is a person in platinum that needs to be tamed.

Next to mine.

Assessor's account number is 440171. Is that enough information?

Yeah, we're going to go ahead and charge $39.99 to your credit card for the next three months

to process your do not call list request.

I'm excited to hear it.

What's your social security number, ma'am?

Customer service.

Hello.

I'm with account retention.

How can I help you?

Hello?

Customer service, account retention.

How can I help you?

Kill it.

I killed it.

That's enough.

Jesus.

That was so weird in so many ways.

So many times.

I hope we get a sound clip of that.

You guys are assholes.

I can't even remember what she said.

damn you damn you that was a biblical damning she did man

why is there a naked green being here ew why is he naked get that thing away

so close i'm not naked oh jesus i'm half naked oh come on put the pants on

jeez look at that pants are for squares yeah sit there in underwear and he pulled his underwear

wear up so it looks like a thong but it's not a thong i'm not wearing underwear he says okay

everybody let's continue on with some more calls uh we were trying to do uh liquor stores i don't

know what they're answering we're waiting on incoming calls in the meantime i'm getting

punchy i'm like the doctor here we are thank you for calling long's drug located at yeah let me

introduce hey my name is albert i'm calling i'm a sponsor i have a gentleman here who's with me

I mean, he's in the 12-step whatever program for Alcoholics Anonymous,

and he's a recovering alcoholic.

He's at the stage where he has to call to apologize to people that he's done bad things to,

and he did a bad thing at the store.

You understand?

So he needs to call and apologize.

You just need to accept his apology.

He stole a lot of beer from your store, and he drank it,

and he became an alcoholic, and he drank, and he drank.

All right?

Okay.

So he's kind of a jerk also, but he's getting fixed up now.

All right, I'm going to transfer right now.

If you give me just a moment, please.

Thank you.

All right, go ahead there, Mr. Unk.

Hi, yes, hi.

Sorry, is this?

Hi, I just wanted to call and apologize.

I'm on the eighth step.

I'm getting recovery.

I stole a lot of beer from your establishment and candy bars and things.

I'm just trying to make amends.

I'm not going to say that you guys made me an alcoholic,

but it was your beer that I drank.

And so I'm not trying to name names on it.

I'm just trying to make peace.

but i would walk in there i was that that really crazy howley um i know that might be a sensitive

term but i like to embrace it i like to reclaim howley um the one with the crazy wild hair and

big old beard i'd wander around the long coat you know even though it's hawaii and i walk around

with a long coat and take beer and i just jam it under there and i'd walk out and then get really

drunk in the in the bushes but i uh okay i just wanted to i just wanted to call and apologize

apologize and just say that i'm not going to steal as much anymore um i'm working through

my alcoholism my kleptomania is another thing i have another sponsor for that uh so i'm not

gonna say that i'm not gonna not steal i'm just not gonna say that i'm i'm gonna say that i'm not

gonna steal like beer so i mean like you know yeah it's a step at a time you know i'm on like

eight step eight you know i've already gotten through step one which is like you know surrendering

myself to the higher power which doesn't have to be god you know it doesn't have to be god but um

you know surrendering myself to a higher power you know yes okay uh anyway hey hey batty batty

you got more of that coke you got more of that coke okay sorry sorry i'm just i'm just doing my

calls that i have to do okay i have to go back to work now hey excuse me do you have labia there

who labia labia do you know what is labia joke right no do you know what labia is yes i do well

do you kidding me do you have a pair there is actually i guess it's two pair right i think

that's how it works i love it when i love it when you can just ask me how much force they're

throwing down the receiver at playing the clang the clang effect is always great good time should

Should we press forward or are we done?

Whatever.

Well, the sound of the yawn, I think, means that I'm tired.

I figure if we keep going, we need to start calling people the N-word on the air.

Oh, I think we're in a safe harbor and we can just say whatever we want.

Bomb threats, prank master, whatever your name is now.

Major Chaos.

Great job.

Good job with that.

I'm going to go.

I'm getting punchy.

I'm going to start saying stupid shit.

All right, motherfuckers?

I want to thank you guys for joining in, all of you who joined in.

Thanks for having us.

I guess.

Thanks everyone who made it

Greenbee, Major Chaos

MSG3 Clay

Dwight the Janitor, McClanahan

Axpa, The Horsey

Thank you for the incoming calls

Dr. Unk, I didn't do any of Nunu's numbers

Holy shit, let's do those right now

Never mind, cancel the cancellation

Give me a second, let me get those in front of me

God damn it

His nest is filthy

All aboard team, we're going back in

Is that an incoming?

coming is there any coming coming i didn't uh oh man i might have done it i might have got me more

you know excited i might have started doing another show yeah going back into it all right

so real quick real quick hang on let's play a song do i have this cool i'm gonna grab another

beer i'll be back in like 10 seconds yeah hurry up speaking to go go go go i need my sleep time

i will i will be filing a complaint hello if i get the phone call if i get another phone call

Well, yeah, is that Ms. Clock?

No, love, it's not.

Oh, is Mr. Clock there, then?

No, love, you've got the wrong fucking number.

Hey, don't you fucking to me, all right?

Oh, man.

It's the wrong fucking number.

Hello, customer service.

My name is Clock.

How can I help you?

You can help me with someone.

You don't start with the laughing.

What's that about?

The chuckle.

I don't need that.

It's not a chuckle.

I'm tired of being called.

You've called at least eight or ten times.

Customer service, my name is Labia.

How can I help you?

I want to be on the no-call list.

Shut up.

Shut up for a second.

Shut up your mouth.

Customer service, how can I help you?

Hello, I want to be placed on your no-call list.

All right, shut up, and I can take care of that, all right?

Don't call me anymore.

Don't tell me what to do.

You want to get off the list?

You listen to what I said.

Don't you dare call this number again.

Oh, you'll get a call again.

If you hang up, you're going to get called again.

Don't you start with me.

you're gonna get a call if you hang up call back call back

customer service niggas with attitude how can i help you quit calling us it's three in the morning

and you don't know how to use your phone do you understand and and you don't have a contract

Contract?

I don't have a contract.

Contract?

I don't have a contract.

Oh, yeah.

I should play that for you, Carlito.

Is that from Saturday?

No, this guy got pissed.

That was a good one.

Hang on.

Let me play it for you.

It's like two minutes.

Play it, play it, play it.

I've got to go pull it.

Oh, is this Warren G and the Regulators?

No, I ain't Regulator.

Warren G and the Regulators, yes.

Cut.

Hi, customer service.

Hi, hello, how can I assist you?

Claire, Claire, Claire, Claire.

Hello?

Claire, Claire, they're Claire.

All right, here we go.

Yeah, play, play.

I'm a prisoner of pen pal's customer service.

How can I help you?

Well, I want to know why you're calling me at midnight and waking me up every night.

That's what I want to know.

Oh, it's because your prisoner of pen pal is trying to make communications with you,

and we're trying to contact you on his behalf.

Who's trying to contact me?

Your prisoner of pen pal.

My prisoner of pen pal?

I don't have a prisoner of pen pal, and I don't like...

people calling me at midnight i'm asleep wake you wake me up now so quit calling me i'm going

to call the police we say he's wrote you several letters from fulsome prison and you have not

responded to one of them so he asked us to contact you on his behalf i don't know who he is and i've

never i don't know anyone in prison okay well he said his name is bill gaffrey and he said he's

many times you signed up through this service to speak with him he's a liar he's a liar and i'll

I swear, if I get another phone call, I will be down at the police station filing a complaint.

I have your number, and I pressed 2 because I didn't want to be disturbed anymore at midnight.

This is the first call I've had, and I'm tired of it.

I need my sleep.

What do you see here, sir, that you signed a contract to be in correspondence with this gentleman for a term of two years?

Who are you speaking to?

Who are you calling?

This is Prison Penpal.

Then you sign a contract for the term of his incarceration to correspond with him.

I'm sorry, what was that?

Who do you think I am?

What's my name?

I can't divulge the account name.

Well, I'm telling you that this is a phony call,

and if I receive another one, I'm going to be down at the police station filing a complaint.

Do you understand?

We'll have you down at the police station ourselves because you're in violation of your contract.

They don't have a contract.

Do you understand?

Stan, I don't have a contract.

You'll be sharing a cell with your contract.

Say that again?

Be on my chest right now, shit on my face, huh?

Come on, would you like to do that?

I can show you a good time.

Calls (31, 1 h 49 min of 2 h 52 min)

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