The Dead Hand

I'm special, you're special, we're special, don't you see?

Alright, you guys little motherfuckers, you come over here.

Each of us is special to God, that's the way it's meant to be.

Fucking bastard, you're mother bitch, you're fucking old family bitch.

I'm in the streets listening to Madhouse Live.

I hope my speech can compete with that bad mouth style that we get from Carlito.

That's my big amigo, so just kick back to listen to this cat call.

People, when this show goes live, I be like, damn, this shit's bitchin'.

Stop whatever I'm doing to tune in and listen

You can catch me in the back of his home

At Horse Machine Ranch Road

I'm busting mad fat flows for assholes and banchos

My spit crazy, shout out to Big Amy

That's nice honey baby

We kissing pussy so ladies such a labor

It's crazy how the stuff that my bruh might say to ya

Face it cause it's the number one prank cast

Stay back if you can't handle all the straight laughs

That we hand to your dome

And if you want call the number

You can listen to this show on the go

big up to the man in the madhouse to show love just stick your motherfucking hands up some come

close but they can't get it right let the king do his thing it's time for madhouse live

big up to the man in the madhouse to show love just stick your motherfucking hands up

i am carlito i'm going to be doing a show it is march 31st 2018 it's just after 6 p.m eastern

standard time shut the fuck up shut up shut up shut up that's homer he's gonna try to sit for

a show today for the first time he was being good until now until i started talking hey dude why

don't you sit down man hey asshole i gave him some of my cheeseburger this is how he repays me

you better shut up or i'm gonna put you in your crate you motherfucker you fucking asshole there's

nothing there there's nothing there idiot you shit for brains look i'm gonna get going i gotta play

intros and stuff if you're listening on patreon or if you're a patreon listener via dropbox rather

thank you for supporting and if you're listening on the god damn it a lot of bullshit talk i know

that much this isn't bullshit my friend do you know something don't listen what do you know

maybe i do and maybe i don't what i say is they got no business negotiating we're gonna be going

back in there with a bullet for everybody in the yard oh is that right we do it now we do it later

later it can be no use right al now wait wait wait a minute frank i got a lot of angry guys in there

There are black Muslims, panthers, young lords, besides the average antisocial.

We've got to go in, right? Clean your clocks.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the...

Thank you for calling Rome.

Para instrucciones en español, marque 3.

Direct to the store, press 1.

For store hours, press 2.

To reach...

Transferring to hardware and tools, please hold.

Great, great, great, great, beautiful.

Thank you for calling Rome.

transferring to installed sales please hold yeah great show great call right yeah i had a question

about the survey that's on this receipt uh what do i have to do for that i'll call you okay what

do you want me to say okay uh what else like it asked me a few questions do you know like what

will help you out yeah i just want to answer the right questions because i want a free whopper you

know are you sure because i heard that once and i did a survey and it said i wasn't eligible based

on my answers all right i can't all right and then uh so what do i need when i get the whopper

is it do i have to buy like the drink and the fries still is that how it works oh shit how

much does that come out to how much is a whopper on its own yeah yeah all right how long do they

keep the whoppers there um before they get tossed out for being under the warmer too long all them

them fresh you don't keep any out all right now if i want my burger like it's supposed to be i want

it in the broiler right all right so but usually you put the the burger the whopper meat goes in

the microwave right does it always go in the broiler can you put it through like three or

four times for the broiler for me and do i just ask when i get there say i wanted to go through

a few times can i use the broiler if i want to put some stuff in there well i'm trying to dry

some weed out so i was thinking maybe i mean i'll i'll break you off some i just think if i

Yeah, this is my job

And I have no time for this

Well, this isn't my job here

Shit, you don't understand

It's my job, guys

It's my job

Job machine

The dry out, the weed machine

Yeah, hi, I'd like to make an order

One 12-piece, all dark

Half mild, half spicy

Whatever

I know he's Burger King

I know he's the Burger King

All right, that's the show, everybody

Yeah

All right, seriously

Thanks for tuning in

Those of you who have tuned in

That's appreciated.

I am Carlito, the host of Madhouse Radio.

I am doing a show here.

I expect to go on until sometime around the 9 p.m. hour.

Following that, there will be a mandatory 30 to 45-minute break.

Whilst we prepare a Calls to Mass Confusion Season 2 Megashow,

I believe that's going to be all the participants, or most of them,

of the Calls to Mass Confusion machine show that we have on YouTube.

We're going to be doing a show together.

What you'd want to do, starting now, a good idea would be to make a note of the following links.

Follow, subscribe, whatever it may be.

The show will be on YouTube, so you want to go to youtube.com slash comcpranks.

That's C-O-M-C as in Calls of Mass Confusion.

Comcpranks on YouTube.

All right.

Follow on Twitter, Calls of Mass Confusion on Twitter.

Calls of Mass Confusion on Twitter.

the same goes for facebook cause of mass confusion there and you can donate at patreon.com

forward slash comc sure you'll hear plenty of that after uh the show starts but you can start

off by just going to the twitter or the facebook and following so you get notifications you'll get

an automatic notification when the newest episode releases i believe it's once a week one a week for

there's quite a few of them in there there's quite a few quite a few um you know if jayad's

available giant hit me up on skype if you want to explain that a little or if you just want to

wait until the show later tonight that's fine so that'll start at 10 p.m eastern 7 p.m pacific so

i'm going to go until for about another about another two and a half hours we'll all take a

break we'll regroup here and go from there all right good so in the meantime we should do prank

calls i think that would be the correct thing to do hey hey how you doing i help you oh good good

i like a uh i mean i i was there yesterday and i don't know if the person was just you know like a

nasty person or you guys were busy um but i asked for a latte with skim milk and the guy made a big

deal how you can't froth milk a skim milk or something like that did you need a remake or

yeah yeah i need a remake fine okay all right all right i need a venti cup i need uh two shots

Two shots of espresso.

And you do have milk to half and half out there, right, for me to use?

We do.

Good, good, good.

So then all I need is two shots of espresso.

When are you going to be coming by?

I'll be there like in five minutes.

I'm here right now.

You know, I'm in my car, but I'm going to finish, you know,

reading this little passage here that I have to read in the Bible yet.

Okay.

Is that going to be a problem?

No.

I'm going to.

We can remake it whenever you come in.

Yeah.

I just want to make sure you have enough milk.

All right.

What's going on there?

I'm going to hand you over to my supervisor.

All right.

Yeah, I was treated really rude yesterday, and she said she's going to get me a drink.

So I'm trying to help you guys out here.

What I want is a venti Americano with no water, four or three shots of espresso.

How many shots of espresso?

Four shots of espresso and a venti cup, no water.

Yeah, yeah.

But what I'm trying to get is an Americano, but I want that.

I don't want any trouble.

I want four shots in there and no water.

and i want to make sure that you do have half and half there for me to use at the condiment bar

right okay i'm gonna be making a ghetto latte and i know you know what that is okay and i'll be there

in like five minutes i'm i'm right around the corner right now i'm sitting in my car because

i'm not supposed to drive and talk on the phone at the same time yep sure gotcha i'll see you when

you get here all right i'll see you then hey make sure that's ready did you need a name to put that

under right make it now for you of course yeah i got i yeah i gotta hurry all right what name

James, do you want me to put it under?

Aventi?

All right, see you.

He's thoroughly confused and doesn't understand.

I had the recipe for a ghetto latte wrong.

There is such a thing known among Starbucks employees as the ghetto latte.

It is when you order an iced Americano with no water, half the ice,

and then you fill it up at the condiment bar with your own milk or half and half.

So you basically get a latte without paying for a latte.

You know what I'm saying?

True story.

I didn't come up with it.

This is a real thing.

That's what they call it.

But, hey, April Fool's, I really don't like April Fool's.

I'm over it.

I've been over it.

I'm slowly and slowly getting more over it and more over it.

I'm telling you, man.

Yeah, and you can't foam skim milk.

It has no fat in it.

Puerto Rican latte.

No.

I want a coconut.

Hi, I want to make an order.

Yeah, I'll carry it out of here.

What do you want to ask?

One dragon roll.

One dragon roll, mm-hmm.

Okay, one shrimp tempura roll.

Okay, and let's see.

What do you have?

Do you have a spicy tuna roll?

Yeah, what do you have?

Yeah, okay, I'll take that.

And what's the total?

I'm sorry?

Total, total, I need total.

$130.28.

Oh, snap.

All right, and how long will that be?

It will take around like 20 minutes.

$50 or $20.

My goodness.

Well, you guys cut them there and everything, right?

You roll them up and cut them?

All right, you guys roll them up and cut them and everything, right?

Okay, and I want the good rice, the good rice, okay?

We do use the sushi rice.

All right, good, good, sushi rice is good.

Yeah, we do a dragon roll, a shrimp tempura roll, then a spicy tuna roll, and anything else today?

No, and you said how long, 20 minutes?

Yeah, it will take around like 15 or 20 minutes.

Okay.

What is your name?

My name is Horse, like the animal.

What's that?

Horse, like the animal, Horse.

Okay, can I have your phone number, sir?

Yeah, 314-275-2018.

Yes.

Okay, Mr. Horse, see you soon then.

All right, thank you. Bye.

I shouldn't have said horse.

Echo, Echo, set a timer for 20 minutes.

Engage.

I should have made it something fun.

Okay.

See, April Fool's, right?

I'm looking at Google Maps, and they've got Waldo on here for April's Fool.

I hope that's fun.

I can't wait.

Was it April Fool's when they had Pac-Man on Google Maps?

I think so.

Anyway.

Homer the dog, my puppy, is with me today for the first time for a show.

He's been behaving now, but when I first kicked the streams off, he was barking.

which i don't appreciate but right now he's being a good boy we'll hope that he maintains his good

behavior i will probably have to walk him at some point halfway through the show conveniently we'll

take a break at that point all right let's do it here's another call to a coffee machine that

mailbox is full and cannot accept any new messages please try again at another time what shit is that

okay slave ships sorry different

she may not make it she may be wanting to confirm the number and calling it and all that and not

answering and the whole ha you know how that goes the sushi order i mean so in the face of the

violence that we've been 400 years is actually doing our people a disservice hello the fuck

hello hello hello okay whatever can i get a starbucks to answer shit damn it and clayton

And this is Kristen.

Thank God you're there.

Yes.

I wanted to see about making an order.

I don't want to get any trouble like I did last time I was there.

Someone said very nasty.

Well, what I ordered last time was an iced Americano with no water and half the ice in a venti.

Okay.

A venti.

All right.

So an iced venti, no water, half ice, Americano.

All right.

So then I went and I got that.

And then I went to fill it up with half and half at the condiment bar.

Okay.

And the guy was yelling at me saying, get a latte, get a latte.

Oh.

Yeah.

So I want to make sure that there's no sign saying that I can't, you know, use up all the half and half that I want.

All right.

Okay.

So this is not a latte I'm getting.

I want to make sure.

I want to be straight with you.

I'm not getting a latte.

I'm buying an iced venti Americano.

The only difference is there's no water in half the ice.

Is that going to be a problem?

Is there a limit to the amount of half a half I can get in it?

this guy was like you know we gotta pay for that we gotta fill it up that's a condiment um well

i mean i don't uh what's a good way to say like um effeminate you know i guess like a man

that likes girls uh boys a man that looks like the girl it wasn't at your place okay it was

it was at the airport well all you liberal democrat places are the same they're all the

the same where you are so can i i'm trying to like come in and order this and yeah but i'm

saying i'm gonna take a lot of the half and half like a lot of it fine we can even put it in for

you if you prefer no but then you're gonna charge me for a latte and i don't want i don't want to

get charged for a latte i won't charge you for a latte this is not a latte this is an americano

i agree all right so then we have no problem then i'll come in there all right fine all right what

was your name all right kristin do you have labia excuse me do you have labia i'm not gonna

to answer that do you have all both pairs of labia what's your favorite one the menorah or the majora

mine is the menorah i mean if you had to choose between one or the other which one would you go

for this is a very nice i'm using the correct terms here i'm not saying pussy flaps you know

or lips and stuff i'm saying labia you know that comes from the uh from the word for uh the roman

the italian word for lips roman word for lips latin latin that's what i meant to say i'm just

making make a small talk that's all okay all right you still haven't told me which one's

your favorite though if you had to choose one these questions to your mother no she's not around

anymore and i wouldn't make any questions like this why would i do this with my mother why because

it's inappropriate to ask this person yeah but i don't go around like i wouldn't kiss my mother

either you know or look at her body her you know her physical physicalness her anatomy and be like

oh wow you know that's she has nice bosoms you know nice breasts bosoms and butts i wouldn't

say that about my mother she might women do that stuff to their sons because of the whole you know

you know how freud explained it how the woman wants to yeah get a latte get a lattes motherfucker

and here's the next one thank you for calling kmart yay kmart hey i really love your store

i was wondering are you guys hiring uh yes you are but go on kmart.com okay all right and what

positions we hiring for i don't know you don't know you just know that you're hiring you'd have

have to talk to hr on monday okay after 9 a.m okay all right all right okay all right because

i'm hoping that you know i can have a nice good career at the store yeah yeah well you know the

store's closing on april the 8th yeah well you'll be open again what time do you guys usually open

in the morning like 10 9 the store is closing for good on april the 8th what do you mean why

Why? What do you mean for good? What's this? What's that?

We're going out of business.

No. Why?

Let me give you a phone number to call. You call 847.

Oh, my God. Why? Why? Wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm not ready.

Hold. Okay. I'm on my way.

Who's that, motherfucker?

Whatever. She can't talk about fucking union rules.

We've reached the public relations department of Sears Holdings Corporation.

Our business hours are from 5 p.m. Monday through Friday.

If you are a customer in need of assistance...

Shit.

The Public Relations Department of Sears Holdings Corporation.

Yeah, I didn't mean to call that number again.

I'm calling the Kmart back.

That just pisses me off.

Fucking around with me.

Thank you for calling Kmart.

How can I help you?

Yeah, why did you hang up on me like that?

Like, you just pushed me away.

I have a line of customers here, sir.

Well, I've got things I need to get done, too.

And you're an adult.

You're an adult.

And you need to work with me.

Okay, what do you need from me?

All right, so what I wanted to make sure...

What do you need from me?

When you say for good, what do you mean for good?

What are you getting at?

The store is closing.

Okay, you guys close every day.

I know that.

But when you say closing, I mean, do you mean close?

No, it's going out of business, sir.

Like closing, closing.

What do you mean closing?

Closing, closing.

Like forever, no more happen.

Going out of business on April the 8th.

For the night.

No, I said going out of business.

Just for the night, though.

No, you stop business at one point?

And you mean open the next morning?

Well, of course, yeah.

Going out of business means...

What holiday is this?

What holiday is April 9th?

I don't understand.

Holidays?

Is it a holiday?

The 9th?

Is that Monday?

What's that?

April 9th is Mother's Day or something?

Is it 4th of July?

Hold just a second.

I don't know.

You guys close 4th of July.

Sheesh.

Hey, how are you, honey?

Are you guys hiring?

Yes, we are.

All right.

Because I'm looking to get my feet in a place where I can have a nice, good, long term to work, you know?

Like a career.

You're only open for nine days.

Yeah, I know, but then after that, you know?

But what do you mean you're only open for nine days?

Can you expand on that?

The store is closing.

Okay, I know that.

You guys close every night.

You open again in the morning.

No, the store is closing.

Now?

On the 8th.

You guys close at 7 or 8?

The store is permanently shutting down the 8th.

All right, listen, when you say closing, what do you mean by closing?

You tell me, what do you mean?

Like, when you're closing, are you mean closing or closing?

Closing.

Okay, you close and you open.

This is our, so you're saying you guys are open until 8 o'clock at night.

If I'm working there since you're hiring, at what point do I get to go home?

Do you stay an extra hour after, like, cleaning up and putting stuff back on the shelves and stuff?

One second.

Hold on.

Okay.

Beep, bop, boop.

Sir, Kmart, this is Alex speaking.

When you say closing, what do you mean, closing?

You mean closing or closing?

As in, everything must go, this building must be empty by, well, we're going to say April 8th because that's the last day in public.

You guys, I know there's a point where you make an announcement, customers, please make your final selection and call the front.

That 9 p.m. is our closing time.

Then why is she talking about 8?

8.

She said 8.

April 8th is maybe what she was saying.

Okay, yeah, 8 o'clock.

Yeah, cool.

No, no.

The store time, the hour we close is 9 p.m.

So do you close at 8 or 9?

We close at 9.

Okay, all right, that's fine.

All right, I can do it.

I don't know what the confusion is that I'm telling her.

I need to come.

Go ahead.

More than likely, she misunderstood and thought, what date?

That seems to be the number one question that she's been getting,

and unfortunately it seems to be the only answer she supplies is April 8th,

and I do apologize.

Is she ignorant or something?

I mean.

Unfortunately, she's an employee that if I had a chance to have gotten rid of her,

I would have a long time ago.

Oh, yeah, I heard her.

She's kind of black, you know?

No.

I agree with you.

I totally agree with you.

And I think that's what happened.

That's what ruined Eastern Airlines.

That's why they went out of business.

Circuit City, Borders Bookstore.

When they started hiring the blacks, that's what happened.

You know, it's a shame about Borders.

I actually like Borders.

Yeah.

And you guys own...

You know you guys owned Borders?

You're so stupid.

You guys owned it.

Hello?

You started Borders.

And what happened with Builders Square?

You guys really fucked that up too, huh?

You know, I never even heard of that company.

Okay.

Okay, well, exactly.

Are you a manager at Kmart?

You never heard of BuilderSquare?

Well, I manage a building.

It doesn't mean I manage the whole brand.

Well, I mean, you should be kind of in tune with the history of the store, you know?

God, no.

Really trying to keep the place alive.

Of course, that didn't work out too well.

Yeah, but seriously, you know, Kmart owned Borders, and you guys fucked it up.

You guys divested it of a good thing.

Well, it's like any specialty store.

We overpriced the goods.

That's really the shame of it.

I think that's what put Circuit City out of business, same with Radio Shack.

You didn't adapt, is what it was.

You didn't adapt, and you didn't update the stores.

Your clothing always sucked, and you didn't have the buying power that the Walmarts did.

Oh, that I can agree with.

It expanded too quickly in the late 90s.

The Little Caesars acquisition was just terrible.

That bad.

I wouldn't say overpriced, but we're probably paying too much for the ingredients.

You stabbed your auto center people in the back when you kicked them out.

That was actually before my time.

You sold off to Penske.

The last time I thought they were a rock-crushing company.

yeah uh look at the whole builder square thing there's quite a bit to be learned there all right

i gotta go i gotta take a shit okay how what about the uh the glory hole stuff is that going

to be going on still a new guy hey how you doing brother remember me i called you we're talking

about glory holes god yes yeah yeah you knew honestly you guys are still going out of business

i'm so sorry that's all right do you want to um you want to get a job with me yeah i think i'll

go back to college you're going to go to target where are you going to go i actually never went

to college i should have really avoided this place with all my life but i think after after

this uh i think i'm going to get out of retail yeah totally uh unless you're gonna do it online

when did you start with kmr i'm just curious like can i ask you oh yeah no hey i uh i started with

the company about uh been three years in may oh so you really so that i mean it was all done by

then it was the writing was on that was life support it's been on life support for like last

12 years holy crap really yeah my god so why did you join a jumping jump the sinking ship why would

you do well at the time it was because i was working for wise markets and uh the store manager

at the wise markets that was in hershey uh really fucked me over and it was like after that it was

like you know what i don't work for this company so i literally took a pay cut in an hour cut

because my buddy uh worked at the kmart right down the street and he got promoted and the guy was

an idiot and i was like you know what if he can get promoted there's no way i couldn't

so i signed up and i was like it took me literally less than a year to move up in the company

so i couldn't complain wow well you got the experience now what you do here's what you do

man you get your six months of unemployment you chill out for the first three when you smoke some

weed that'll give you enough time three more months to get out of your system you know it's

little now here in pa you can get the medical yeah i thought about it but i think didn't they

restrict that to just oil uh oil tinctures uh cartridges that are pre-filled waxes uh

syringes of oil you can you can make edibles out of it too you just can't smoke anything

yeah all right man well that's all i recommend here's what you do you go take off the shelf

take some dvds down i would say get like all the kevin smith movies uh you know i took all my dvds

we got a workout film

ok there you go

just get the Kevin Smith movies

and watch those for a few months

eat some pizza

get some dollar menu stuff

Taco Bell works

treat yourself to a pizza once a week

and then

once a month

with your unemployment check

go to the titty bar and look at some titties

I don't know if you like girls

keep the art alive

alright man

Alright, cool, that's great

Hey, my name's KDK

You on YouTube?

Yep, you got it

Calls of mass confusion

Calls of mass confusion on YouTube

Take it easy, man

Alright, homie, see you later, bye

Not you, Homer

My dog thought I was talking

See ya, bye

There you go, that was stupid and not funny

But it got us to the time when we called the sushi machine

Echo, stop!

Homer, I'm not talking to you, man

I just said the H word

It wasn't you

He's confused because I call him homie and Homer

So now whenever he hears me say, what's up, homie?

He's like, oh, oh, oh, me.

All right, let me get that number here.

This is a stupid idea that's costing 30-something dollars,

and it probably won't even be funny.

Here we go.

Probably didn't even make the ship, so give a fake number.

Yeah, I called earlier to make an order.

My name is Horace.

Oh, okay, well, I decided I don't want it.

April Fool's, you know?

Yeah, but April Fool's, you know?

April Fool's.

You know, you get it?

You get it?

Yay, April Fool's, I got you.

Ha, ha, ha.

you know i'm kidding right no no no kidding april fools i'm dancing

i'm a joker

all right you're happy april fools okay what are you gonna do with the food now you eat it

okay cool all right there you go i did it i don't want to keep doing that that's bad

bad karma to be wasting food come on you think sushi really cost them in labor and cost do you

Do you think it costs the $30 to put some rice rolled up with, what, maybe a couple pieces of seaweed?

And, all right, so a dragon roll is like some, it's spicy mayonnaise, I think, and maybe like a little piece of fish, not even.

$0.30 worth of material, probably.

Add another quarter for the labor of the sushi guy, because there's an Asian guy making the sushi, so you know they're working cheap.

They're just going to eat it right now.

Oh, okay, they're eating sushi.

Oh, that's funny.

Very funny.

What's going on?

Homer, Homer, come here.

What's the matter with you?

What's up?

You want to go outside?

You're not going to talk?

You're going to be good now?

He's pacing around the office.

He's pacing around the studio room.

I don't know if he needs to pee.

He usually scratches at the door, but he's still learning.

Aw, you got your head on me.

No, don't start crying.

You don't cry.

No.

Be a man.

Caught him licking dicks the other day at the dog park.

Almost beat the shit out of him in front of everyone.

What is it?

What is it, dude?

I can't just let you out there.

You have to go in the crate.

You can either sit here and chill on the couch, or you go in the crate.

what's it gonna be i don't know if you guys can hear him he's whining all right i'm gonna have

to play a prank and figure out what he needs i'm gonna walk him real quick let me find something

long that i can play mr basset hound over here big baby basset hound i'll play this prank i don't

know how good it is but it's uh should be long enough for me to take care of this this dog

situation i'll be back and then we'll play this you know all right i'll be back is this the uh

is this the mcdonald's right okay look a few times and i couldn't get through were you guys

is on the batch oh yes sir we're using i have already uh we're not using it you weren't you're

not you're done batching it out now no not yet sir oh okay because it was busy busy busy busy

and i called you know the noise was dude you know man because i pushed the button it goes

hey it goes like this not one because it's not a regular busy so i was like just like you might

want to call the phone company get that trace it's not supposed to do that and yours was like

I got the right one.

The only problem is I got an iced coffee, you know?

Yes, sir.

Okay.

Here's the problem.

I have sensitive teeth.

I've undergone treatment for sensitive teeth.

They actually put this enamel stuff on my teeth.

And what it's designed to do is it's designed to kill the nerves a little bit.

And I've been brushing for a year with this prescription toothpaste because I have sensitive teeth.

And I drank the iced coffee.

The ice hit my teeth, front teeth.

I got pain.

pain it made the pain in my mouth and i got scared i was driving and it was raining and i spit it out

i spit out the the the stuff in my mouth and i'm in the car and there's you know iced coffee brown

you know an ice and all this stuff all over the windshield i can't see anything i slam right

bam to a coconut tree right in front of me no joke man and i almost caused a 40 car pilot behind me

was so bad. I have sensitive teeth

and I drank, you know, I was

under the assumption the iced coffee

is safe. I looked at it all over. There's no

warnings. It said, warning

the contents of this are cold,

are too cold, or maybe

too cold, maybe very cold.

Because we're putting ice on

that iced coffee. I know, so

it was very cold, but when I hit

my teeth, my teeth were sensitive and I had

a big mouthful. Spit it out

and it's a, I can't help it, sir.

It's a natural reflex, you know.

know when you when the when something cold hits your tooth what's your natural reflex you know

if if i were to take uh if i were to take a hot a knife and put it on your skin you're gonna pull

away right but it's the same it's the same thing so there's coffee all over the front of my

windshield and i get into an accident so i'm going to be suing you personally and i'm suing

the store manager and the and the franchise mr the franchise man and then the big company

company McDonald's from the money because I got into a car accident because you're supposed

you're supposed to put the warning on the coffee it's if it's hot and you should put it on if it's

cold you're supposed to write it with a marker doesn't have a warning on the on the cold coffee

right no it doesn't have it doesn't say it's too cold I looked all over it before I drank it because

goes i'm responsible i read anytime i eat something i take that package or that cup

or that bag or that box and i read every single word that's printed on it because i want to know

what's going in my body and how much and what it came from i need to know if it was processed in a

plant that uses peanuts or manufactures peanuts i need to know everything absolutely and i looked

at this whole cup and i know where it says that this this coffee might be too cold but then it's

it's not fair because I have sensitive

toothes. So what happens if

I have a sensitive crotch,

you know, and imagine if you didn't

put a warning on the coffee, and I

spill the coffee in my sensitive

crotch, the hot coffee, what happens?

I get into a car accident.

It's the same thing. You're supposed

to make a warning thing on it, and you

didn't even write, if you see the cup

doesn't, well, you take a marker,

and you write warning, cold

coffee, warning, and you put

an exclamation point in a triangle.

and you should try to make it red.

So, you know, what I would like us to do here,

I want you to conference call me with the corporate man and the owner,

and we're all going to exchange information,

and we're going to go ahead and take care of the lawsuit.

Sir, can I know your name?

My name is Ralph Littlejohn.

From?

From the United States of America.

This one is from Guangzhou?

Yeah, I was visiting this country, yeah.

Yes, sir, but we're not serving iced coffee yet.

You understand, I got coffee with ice.

It had ice in it.

Or they just put ice in their coffee.

Whatever it was, they hit my teeth and I had an accident.

And it didn't say it was going to be too cold.

It had milk and everything in it.

On what store did you get it?

Oh, yeah.

Like candy.

All right, it's like candy, everybody.

Candy for your teeth.

Ice coffee.

Yeah.

Ice coffee.

Gotta love it.

What do we do now?

I don't know.

Let's try to do some pranks, I guess.

I don't know.

I'm getting into my numbers list.

Just a moment, please.

It's like candy.

So I don't have as many pranks on this season of Calls of Mass Confusion.

Fortunately or unfortunately, whatever the case may be.

I just, I was, I've been going the last year and a half.

I just been, like, feel like I just keep repeating the same ideas.

Nothing really excites me that much.

Like, I still like doing the shows and the pranks.

But you can tell by the fact I don't do them weekly anymore.

Just not, you know, I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know if I'm just not funny anymore.

I think maybe I've just been doing it too long.

14 years fucking now.

man god damn 14 is it 14 when did i start 2005 it'll be 13 this year shit anyway your call cannot

be completed i know i put it in wrong i got it um so yeah i'm not in as many pranks and to be

honest like i keep telling the guys look i didn't think i was that funny but jayad assures me axba

who did the editing stuff with jayad the others are saying i did good so you guys be the determinant

minute i thought i was see i felt the same way last year until the episodes came out with me

falling off the chair and eating food really loud and all that stuff i don't think any of those were

that funny this year that i did that i can't remember but i i don't even remember the stuff

that i did that much i'm like that for some reason when i go when i start doing shows and

pranks i go into a zone and it'll be the next day and i'll vaguely remember if there was a really

good prank on that show the night before i'll be like oh yeah you know but until i re-hear the

the show half the stuff like oh you know i need the to hear it again to remember what what i

thought was good whatnot yeah i'm just saying i didn't think i did that good this season don't

don't don't be expecting anything now the the other uh other dudes that xyz did really good

it's his first season on he does really good um lux was on for some stuff he did good jag tv did

good brad has some really funny shit his whole astronaut thing is really funny i did i did i did

one one set of pranks with brad and we were both just like having fun with the whole thing he kept

cracking me up all i did was laugh through the entirety of a whole recording session he just

started off saying yeah hey uh i've got my associate here richard mcfaggot and i just lost

it immediately i was like that's it i'm done i just sort of just blurted out laughing uh but yeah

i don't know what's on the first episode that's on tonight either and a lot of them i haven't seen

I heard about what happened, funny shit, but I haven't heard or seen the stuff.

So most of the Calls of Masked Confusion Season 2, I'm going to be seeing it for the first time along with you guys.

I wasn't as involved.

I'm trying to get better at that.

I want to thank all the Patreon subscribers and supporters.

Hi, this is Joe.

Sorry I missed your call.

Please leave your name and...

All that.

Wait for that.

All the Patreon subscribers, thanks.

I should probably be doing more.

I try to do my two shows a month.

You know?

And if you're on Patreon, you're getting the shows immediately when they're done.

Patreon.com slash Madhouse Radio.

And I'm pretty good with that.

Like, for example, someone today was like, hey, look, I can't really afford it this month.

I'll get it back next month.

I left the Patreon, the Discord chat, and I said, no, no, no, go back in.

I said, no, it's five bucks, two bucks, one buck a month.

It's not that big of a deal.

I'm not going to cut off your access.

If you donate it once, as far as I'm concerned, unless you're a dick, you're going to be all right.

I'm not trying to make a living out of it.

Just enough to pay the little hosting fees and, you know, buy some weed to stay funny.

Hi, how you doing? Is that a culvert? You needed a culvert put in?

No.

Oh, you got a S10 Blazer for sale?

Yeah.

Nice deal. You still got that?

Yes.

Oh, I need that. What can you tell me about that?

I'll tell you right now. I'm coming to a family get-together.

Oh, you're porking your wife?

Yeah, pretty regular.

What?

Pretty regular.

So you're porking her now? Is that what's going on?

Yeah.

Oh, nice, nice. And what's the family doing?

They're filming it.

Oh, cool, cool. You got big nuts?

Yeah.

Yeah, is your daughter getting naked while she's watching and getting, uh...

No, my grandmother is.

Is she getting turned on?

Is she touching it down there?

Yeah?

Yeah.

She sure is.

Grandmother on one side, your mom's or your dad's side?

I have mom's.

She's a filthy woman.

Yep.

All right, hang up the phone, motherfucker.

Woo-hoo!

Someone will bitch you.

Go to hell.

Yeah?

Or...

Yeah, whatever.

How much black do you have in you?

How about mine?

Get out of here.

Funny motherfucker.

Fucking deflating my balloon.

with his good sense of humor.

Hello.

Landscaping?

Yes, sir.

Are these Mexican landscapings?

No.

Thank God.

I'm telling you, I've had so much trouble.

I'm a Republican, and I can't be having that, you know?

I'm hoping to be able to run for office here pretty soon in Rogersville.

Do you cover Rogersville?

Yes, sir.

We do go to Rogersville.

Good.

What can you tell me about your operation?

I mean, what do you mean?

How long have you been in business?

What inspires you?

you i've been i've been in the long-term landscaping since i was about 13 years old

where'd you come from boy morristown tennessee yeah all right you like it here yeah who is this

oh my name is cross i live over here um right outside of rogersville i live at a horse machine

ranch road it's a new development out here okay i'm gonna be running for mayor oh okay

i got a mansion out here it needs to be taken care of then i used to have these mexicans just

to come over here take care of and they were good and everything but then my opponent he's a

a democrat and he was like oh look you talking about getting the illegals out of tennessee

oh you're gonna get the legals out of rogersville and you got mexicans working on your land he said

he embarrassed me in front of the city council like a motherfucker i felt like a piece of shit

so i just want to make sure you all american good white americans or what do you got

hello all white america good good rednecks not really redneck what's your country boy

That's the way I like to hear where you guys wear flannel.

You guys got your own little uniforms.

We just wear blue jeans and a t-shirt.

All right, cool.

How big is your team?

We got about four guys that work for me.

Okay.

All right.

Do you think, I can just get one of you guys to come over here and rake the yard once a day?

You wear jeans?

Yes.

All right, dude.

I need him to tuck in his shirt while he's doing it.

All right, because we have a good operation here.

here and i like to see his musculature and everything while he's working while he's bending

down leaves and everything i want to see him doing that all right now can you meet me can you meet me

at the walmart's when uh when can you i'll be there if you might work up now i could yeah

i thought that was your wife you were working on no no no all right i thought i heard a beat

You ever spread your legs open real wide?

Huh?

You ever spread your wife's legs open real wide?

I'm not married.

Huh?

I'm not married.

Oh, you're not?

Oh, well.

No.

But you got a girlfriend ever?

Ever had a girl?

A female caller?

Yeah.

Yeah?

You ever spread the legs open real wide?

I don't know.

Okay.

Well, you should try that because they have two pairs of labia down there.

It's lips, you know?

Yeah, man.

You want to make sure that you're messing you got to rest with the right lips at the right time and the right way

Oh, yeah. All right. Yeah, man. I'm doing to make sure right now. Let me tell you all right, honey, baby

It's like candy

It's all about you. Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice message every other video

No matter where I go. I see the same

You got looking for a four-barrel manifold intake for 318 Dodge

You looking for a four-barrel manifold intake for a 318 Dodge

Well, Bubba, I got one of them

Well, I'm selling the motherfucker for parts

So I'll just pull you if you can pull you can have it basically because I am moving

They ain't moving. No one wants the motherfucker. They got hit by a freight train

i'm over here horse machine ranch road and rogersville horse machine ranch road

is new is a new development oh probably get it but uh tell me how to get there tell me where

you at well you know where the walmart's is i do you want to meet me at walmart so you can follow

me well i'm around the corner of walmart oh okay when can you be there when can you be there

Well, I don't know why I can be there. I can't be there tonight.

Well, you gotta be there tonight. You gotta be there now. Right now.

Well, fuck you. I ain't gonna be there tonight.

Well, fuck you too, motherfucker.

Hey, you got no motherfucker. You come over here.

You ain't shit, motherfucker. Where you at?

You son of a bitch, you.

No, you son of a bitch, you fuckin' pecker.

Oh, that escalated quickly.

When he get mad, all that went was

fuck you then you sounded like me who do you think he is carlito i'm the one that pranks

i just told him i had to be here now i ain't picking up he ain't picking up

we got someone with a shotgun yeah has two chokes with it what the fuck is that i'll choke his wife

you got a 12 gauge hat feel automatic shotgun brand new never been shot has two chokes with it

asking 225 firm done you motherfucker you you got a taurus 45 cal automatic pistol 1911 version

with a hard case yes sir god damn what can you tell me about that who is this my name is horse

who horse i don't know you well everyone calls me a horse i'm new in town i live over a cross

Ross Machine Ranch.

Fuck.

Hello.

Yeah, I'm sorry we got off of the wrong foot, brother.

I'm sorry, man.

God bless you.

I'm up here with my family.

Let me call you back.

Oh, are you having dinner?

Are you porking your wife?

What's going on?

A Stanley pancake compressor?

Is that just called a pancake compressor?

does actually compress pancakes i'm confused no matter where i go where i go i see matt hillard

falling down then he shares pain and

and i realized i'm so high i'm a criminal i killed i i ate it in the bed of the criminal i drove away

in the car i drove the getaway car but i'm rich so i got away with murder then i wrote a song

about in the middle of trial called murder was the case and i didn't act like i had any remorse

thank god for johnny cochran now everyone loves me now my best friend is martha stewart and i

I smoke weed in everyone's face and no one cares anymore.

I'm Snoop Dogg, motherfucker, you.

This fucking Snoop Dogg is the reason I stopped going to concerts for like a good 10, 15 years.

I got so pissed off.

This motherfucker.

When I was a kid, I was 17.

i grew up in orlando and went to it was the second infraction with concerts and me particularly hip

hop concerts the first one was in 96 i was able to sneak in underage to uh 95 i was able to sneak

in underage to uh notorious big a biggie smalls concert now the first one had gotten canceled

at the last minute this was the second orlando he's making up for it so it was cheaper

paper and uh it was full of bunch of look it was right in the middle when the the tupac versus

notorious big war started heating up all right and in orlando the tupac fans were like a lot of

them were like these white wigger boys you know and they're all like yeah fucking tupac

west side it's like you motherfucker you live in orlando you live in the east fucking side of the

the country and you're screaming west side anyway fucking uh you know um the uh what's his face

comes out um what's his name little c's comes out and uh puff daddy p-daddy comes out they're

warming up the crowd like yeah and i'm a man i remember p-daddy puff daddy was like my man

notorious big notorious like that everyone's like and he comes like and one of the white kids

started throwing shit and they all started yelling at him like west side all this shit

throwing up the w sign and biggie was like whatever and then they threw a bottle and

hit him in his chest it didn't even hit him in his head and it wasn't even that hard because

it was from close but i think what pissed him off was like beer got over him so he said no

fuck that yo stop the music fuck that and you could literally heard the record scratch

and he goes fuck y'all fuck orlando fuck you motherfuckers and he walked off threw the

bike down walked off they all left i was like motherfucker man i really wanted to see this

fucking guy dig his fucking album i'm a fat man i'm a fat kid and he's he's out here for the fat

people you know what i mean in the hip-hop community and they made him fucking go so then

less than a year later i'm at a snoop dogg fucking video uh snoop dogg video snoop dogg fucking

concert and that motherfucker did like two songs sitting on top of a speaker and he didn't even

even look like he was into it he was high as fuck and then he left after two fucking songs and

everyone started booing throwing fucking bottles again and i got my fucking shoe stepped on i had

a pair of them shacks the second shacks with the instapump i got him stepped on and they never

were the same after that man and that pissed me off so that was two concerts in a row and i said

fuck this shit and i didn't go back to a concert again till after college i'm done thank you i

haven't been to a hip-hop concert i don't think i think that was last time i went to a rap concert

was that snoop dogg one i don't think everyone back i've been to a few but concerts that is

after that majority i've been to have been like uh stand-up like big time stand-up acts like saw

chris rock i saw lewis black two or three times uh yeah but fuck that shit anyway back to the

prank calls and here we go with uh thanks to matt hellock for reminding me about this one

there's a new mf doom uh album with czar face czar face and mf dooms i've only heard one or

two of the songs so you guys are going to be hearing this for the most part for the first

time with me today i hope it's good sure it is what's matt doing we should have matt on here

this show's fucked already why not why not how do you spell matt p zero zero p that's how you

spell the fucker but uh i'm listening about the shoes or still oh i'm so angry i look so angry

man they stepped on my foot i just got them i just got the motherfuckers remember it scuffed

them up bad they were black fucking shoes i was like what the fuck did this motherfucker do i was

i i wanted to say something about the uh the west coast dudes in florida but it was too much to type

that's so funny like yeah you can't get any more east than florida i know in the states yeah i don't

think even even crazier because it's south and it's all transplants on the east anyway

especially they were all from new york and connecticut and jersey and michigan and shit

it's like what the fuck are you talking about and number five fucking tupac ain't rapping to

you motherfuckers right he's rapping to black youth this is good oh yeah yeah come on don't

give a fuck about orlando wickers yeah it's like oh fuck west side fuck you like you think

fucking tupac's like hell yeah my dog's down there in orlando fucking giving it up that big

give a shit right did you see biggie get hit man my thugs are hard down there in orlando yo

yeah i'm pretty i don't remember it i don't remember them getting caught or dragged out i

just remember a lot of angry people well if the show was over right then then well it wasn't i

mean no he didn't even he didn't start this the first oh but if he said fuck y'all um i mean i

have mentioned it was just chaos yeah yeah yeah i know they they turned the lights up and people

stood around for a while then it just got worse and worse and i just made my way out i wasn't

out front or nothing but the fucking kids yeah they looked like they were 19 and shit good old

hip-hop shows i went and saw the fucking woo one time and i and we were up in the balcony

yeah and i was like i'm gonna get down to the stage to see fucking old dirty bastard it was

like in some theater place you know not like a super big yeah um and dude i got downstairs and

it was way too crowded there wasn't i wouldn't get into nothing it was so funny my buddy do up

he met some fucking uh do i was a black fella and but he met he met uh this little like korean kid

that was a cellmate in county at 26 cal and he was like seldom rolled up once for five months

It's so funny

Yeah yeah

I gotta call you back for another computer

I made a mistake

I have to hang up

And I have to dial

Do I have you

Yes you do

What you just said reminded me

Talking about Woo

That last rap concert I went to

I stepped out of

I don't even know what class it was

I took a midterm at UCF in 2008, and on my way out of class, walking through the campus

to get back to my car, and I saw a poster that said, concert, it said, Ghostface Killer

from the Wu-Tang Clan, and it was that night.

I'm like, oh shit, right now, I look at my watch, like, oh shit, that's going to start

in like 10 minutes.

I'm going to go over to the fucking student union, and there were maybe 20, 25, 30 people

total there.

I didn't advertise it at all.

yeah it was really so i got to actually talk to the dude you got to like chill ghostface and make

a little 20 people show yeah he actually did like he actually did a good like hour it was real cool

and then like fucking dope yeah well and it was before like smartphones and stuff like before i

had a smartphone so i couldn't get a selfie i gave him the website madhouse live website and

he said yeah yeah i'll check it out he never checked it out i never heard from him again

after that but yeah i got to actually like talk to him and stuff he's a really cool dude he had

had some dudes with him that looked like real intimidating like i wouldn't want to fuck them

real goons well they're like some nation of islam looking motherfuckers i was like oh yeah they were

kind of looking at me like like they didn't they weren't into me you know but he was cool about it

he was real cool he had uh he had a towel on his head the whole time nice yeah whatever that's a

good look a white towel oh hey speaking of the towel and that guy that i was talking about do up

yeah uh that was the silly uh i had a birthday party one time and my sister used to go to like

a private fancy fiber school and she had a fancy little friend who's like parents were like like

people high ups and bolivian government or some shit but doo-wop was at that party with a fucking

towel on his head saying man i like that girl like go talk to her it was so funny yeah so he

was just had a little washcloth on his head yeah he was all fucked up oh man that's so neat till

So those are the cats stayed, and they drank all the full bathtub full of beer.

A bathtub full?

Like with ice?

You know, ice.

Oh, yeah.

And then I also had a keg, and I got a keg of Heine Dark.

That wasn't like a crowd-pleasing thing.

I don't think I've ever had Heineken Dark.

I never heard about it for a minute.

I've had Heineken Light.

Heineken Light's pretty good, actually.

Heineken Farts are a real thing.

I must say.

They smell like bowling farts.

this crazy vape dabby thing uh yeah hi you got them goats oh cool what can you tell me about them

oh yeah uh him that i do oh okay let me see she's at the barn i don't know until i get back or not

oh you try brother i'll be here no worries okay all right if i drop out i'll call you back

all right you got okay all right let me see if i can get hold of it all right thank you

dude i got a pizza pie on the way so i'm gonna have to dip whenever that gets there

Oh, but did you like that crazy? It's like a hundred why?

Hello talk now man. I said I just said that's a crazy like hundred watt mod

Look up the mononate red and cracked. I hear you butter, but I hear you brother

Hey, you got them goats. I hear you got some goats for sale. Okay. All right, cool

I didn't mean to bother, you know, your husband said it'd be alright to talk to you

But if you're busy, you know right now in the barn

fine that's something i can talk oh all right that's good my name is cross how are you i'm fine

oh good so them goats then how how adult is they well i think about i've got five

can you you think you can make it closer to the house to the base station you're starting to break

up now just a little bit there you go i can hear you i think now i think i can hear you all right

all right so then go do they uh do they have sex the goats are they sexual with each other i'm

Sorry, I can't hear you.

Damn.

Damn it.

Sexy goat.

Sex.

You can call back.

I'm sure it's going to be closer to the base station in a minute when she throws it on the phone.

Throws it on the phone.

Why the fuck you give me that phone?

Motherfucker.

Dirty, dirty man.

Yeah, hi.

I hear you now.

I was asking about...

I can hear you.

Okay, good, good.

Do you want goats or you just...

What?

No, I do.

I was asking questions about the goats.

Maybe I was breaking up.

I don't know what you heard me say.

I was asking what the sex of the goats are.

Okay, all right, and the two nannies, all right.

And then how big are their sexual organs right now?

Well, is it going to take you that long to measure them?

I would take it just by that, that they're pretty dang big.

I was going to say, it takes a few days.

at the town please leave a message for we're gonna have to call scientists at the university

to come down like barney's bar tab alice perky alice perky what's his name remember homer or

no when he said like you know how we said we had to write to nasa to calculate your bar tab

yeah yeah we all had a laugh at that well here it is yeah well then but then he said oh no wait a

that's the tap for Skylab

yeah yeah

it was even bigger or whatever

yeah

there was a time Barney

was there when the Duff Delivery guy showed up

just plug it in my vein

yeah yeah

that's what it was

oh fucking Barney

went the don't cry for me I'm already

dead ooh pizza should be

here in about three minutes

how long is this pre

Pre-COMC show going.

Until 8 o'clock Central Standard Time,

9 o'clock Eastern Standard Time.

You've reached 4, 2, 3, 5, 5, 6, 8, 4, 3, 2, 1.

Yeah, yeah, and then is Calls,

when is, is like Jad doing his fucking show too tonight?

Yeah, yeah, that's at 10.

I'm going to, I'll break around 9,

and then about an hour later will be the Calls to Mass Confusion show.

I don't know if I'm supposed to say,

The bit about what network it's on, it's a secret.

I don't know if it's supposed to be said.

There's a whole thing with that.

I'm excited about seeing how it finally all came together.

Oh, hey, the pizza's going to be here in zero minutes, it says.

That's like now.

That's now.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll hit you back in a bit.

Cheers, man.

See you, buddy.

Hey, how you doing?

Good, how you doing?

Oh, good.

My name is Julio.

I see you got some stuff for sale over here on the swap shop.

I thought it was probably heads.

Oh, yeah.

So you can let me know about the motorcycle helmets.

I mean, do you have them?

Is that you or the Dodge truck for parts?

I should want nice motorcycle helmets.

Okay.

Oh, okay.

Now, what about she needs a Dodge truck for parts?

Yeah.

All right.

Well, I'm confused because I thought she had motorcycle helmets because I have a Dodge

truck and I'm trying to sell it for parts.

Yeah.

Well, I was wondering what the Dodge truck was.

Oh, all right.

Do you need the private parts?

Well, I was just trying to find a whole truck if I found one, you know, just used for parts, you know.

Well, I've got a Dodge, and half the time you have to go pull a part or something to get parts for them, you know.

Yeah, I like to pull my private parts.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

I like them for, like, thunder carriages and stuff like that, you know.

It feels really good to pull your own parts, you know, like you did something.

Oh, yeah.

You accomplished something, you know, and then you ejaculate when you're done.

Yeah, it's a lot.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's where I try to get mine, like I said.

Most of these other types, you have to go down to pull apart to get them, and you know what I mean.

Yeah, you know how with your wife, you put your part inside your wife, and you ejaculate inside of her, and then you had your daughter?

That's how the daughter...

Oh, yeah.

You know that's how your daughter was made?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you put your penis in the vagina, and you ejaculate.

You have an orgasm, a sexual climax.

Yeah, you got to do the pull apart.

yeah and then you pull apart i know and then this the semen will come out of the vagina you know

the cream pie oh yeah and then you ever can you ever yeah it's just like that you know

yeah yeah so like i said the undercarriage is mainly what i've made i wasn't worried about

like a hey the guy called me day i told me oh yeah man i told him i said son if you want me to

i said you can have the motor i ain't worried about the motor i said you can have the cab

Hell yeah, fuck that, right?

You get five, six of them motors, you know?

Oh, yeah.

There.

Oh, yeah.

Well, now undercarriage gets bad.

Then, you know, I don't know what you do.

I don't know what you do.

That's right.

You know what I mean?

I got so mad once in my undercarriage, I took a baseball bat and started hitting the truck.

Yeah, I took a shit in my hand and I smeared it in my face, and I drove the truck away.

Right, exactly.

Exactly. Now, what should I do if I have a problem when I urinate and some of the urine keeps coming out when I'm supposed to be done?

I dribble in the Dodge truck?

Oh, Lord. What happened there?

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know if you know what I should do about that.

I don't know what to tell you on that one.

All right. Well, I'll try to figure it out. So you want to come take a look at this Dodge truck?

Where is it?

Well, I'm over here at Horse Machine Ranch.

Horse Machine Ranch.

Yeah, it's a new development.

You lost me on that one.

It's a new development in Rogersville. You know where the Walmarts is at?

Yeah.

You want to meet me at Walmart, so I'll drive it down there.

You come right now and look at it.

I'll meet you there at the Walmart's parking lot.

Man, shit.

Yeah, damn, it's fucking Easter, too, you know what I mean?

Hey, don't shake that baby none, you know?

That's it.

Hey, excuse me, I ain't got a car.

She's got it in her van.

She's gone.

Right.

All right, well, your daughter's probably out fucking right now, you know?

Probably is.

All right, well, you let her walk.

out your daughter fuck get get fucking uh get dick all dick in her mouth and her pussy in her

ass all right motherfucker you will i'll give you a call you let me know tomorrow yeah it's easter

you're probably gonna have east you're probably gonna fuck a ham or something right all right

i'll be looking for chicken ah shit well i'll call you monday i'll call you during the week

we'll meet up you come in my truck you'll suck my dick in the truck all right all right

you guys all right all right you have a good night you too don't take too much now all right

i won't all right i'll see you later all right jesus christ god damn it i know what was that

about what was that about i gotta piss i gotta pee guys it's been that was okay it's been an

average show you know average show hawking animal hell yeah the legion of doom when we come back we

get i don't know more calls more general calls more discussion maybe some of the peeps will

join me maybe jayad can come come in his white nose he's gonna be able to come join us i don't

know matt'll be back we'll figure out we'll have some laughs before the show's up and the next show

starts all right yeah anyway uh i'll be back in a few i'll be back in a few enjoy this song

and these prank calls thank you

I'm Carlito.

If you know what show that came from.

And you understood the inside joke.

Is anyone here on the Skype?

Anybody?

Matt Hill.

No, I'm Billy.

Hey, what's going on?

I got Matt, Dwight, G, Had, and Dom the Abomination.

What's up, gentlemen?

I think you're all women.

Or men, rather.

I think you're all men.

I guess they're gentlemen.

Are you drunk, Dwight?

What's your problem?

Are you doing drugs?

I'm watching the basketball.

Oh, fuck that fucking college basketball.

Fuck Loyola and fuck Sister Jean.

uh i gotta finish my pizza oh do you get pizza puffs yeah i know i didn't have a pizza puff in

a minute i got pizza how are you able to lose weight eating pizza drinking beer all day i don't

understand well i just eat too low peter pizza okay did you you can order by the state

no but um and the giant smoothie and that's like all i eat all day oh i had a

to a protein bar. Those smoothies

fucking fill you up like

hardcore. Oh yeah, because I do like

50, 60 ounce big fuckers.

Okay, nice.

I got one of those ninja ninjas at home

and like I make big ass smoothies. I can throw

like banana, strawberries, like kale,

like a bunch of shit like that in there. Nice.

I do the hemp protein

and the MCT oil too.

We gotta get Dwight on that CBD,

THC stuff, man. We gotta get him.

He's gonna be so much better at his shows

when he starts doing weed. I can't wait

wait for Dwight to start doing it. We're gonna get

him to vote Democrat next

election also. No, no,

I actually vote to legalize

weed. Like, I'm on board with that. I thought you

were very anti-weed. You're all like, oh, no,

no, I think it should just be taxed and regulated

like fucking booze. Oh, well,

will you do it then? Will you then

take with us

the devil's lettuce?

Probably not. I tried it once in my school

and I just didn't get the appeal.

You did? Oh, dude, come on.

Jesus Christ, just try it again.

Yeah, come on, man.

It's so much better now.

I don't smoke anything.

Maybe gummies.

I love gummy bears, but then I would overdose and I'd have to call 911.

No, there's no...

The weed's way different than the 60s when you try to last away.

It's going to be way better.

That made the brownies?

Yeah.

Dwight, we're going to hang.

We'll talk about it.

Are you excited for Calls to Mass Diffusion?

Dwight McClanahan.

No, fuck that shit.

All right.

I canceled it. I canceled it if you looked in the other chat.

I saw that.

Better watch out. He takes that shit serious.

Are we supposed

to say where it's going to be on tonight?

He told me at one point, don't say it, and then

another point told me, do say it.

I have no idea.

He told me not even to say it was causing

mass confusion. He told me to say it was phone marking.

Okay. All right.

I don't know.

I tried to connect him.

He's probably busy. He's probably real nervous

right now he said he was gonna be gone until like a half hour before uh lunch time so wow

yeah he had a haircut today and everything he said he's a bald bastard what does he got

i guess he just picked his head extra special today maybe that's what he meant i don't know

i don't know i'm ignorant that's like my haircut with just clippers with no guard oh yeah but

you ever get and i shave my face with the same thing how often do you do it every day or every

every other day i go a week yeah okay um when i first started i was doing it every like three

four days when i was like 21 yeah now not so much what's the point right yeah cool so you end up a

little like a little fuzz up there after a while and you're like right now it's time yeah yeah i

got you i got you when i start like feeling some like the the headphone things touching the beard

sorry there wait i can't touch no no that's fine i started cracking up i finished editing a video

the other day and uh it was i was arguing with some guy about what the hell was i arguing with

him about i totally forget what i was arguing with him about but carlio kept playing the

asshole drop in the background oh yeah and he was he was like my mother he's like fuck you and

whoever you got back there with you fuck him play the asshole drop and he's like he's like

he's like who the fuck you got over there tell him to eat a dick like he was so fucking pissed

at just this asshole drop yeah and i was it was so fucking funny he was just arguing with that

bullshit that one right there asshole and let me ask am i not supposed to mention the

i am

confused

please

you are upsetting me

and I am going to

quit prank calls

and retire

because

I thought Dom the Bomb's thing said I wish I could join

but I'm out at a farm

farm is that a farm no no he says he's out with the fam but i read it as i'm at a farm he's at

the farm i was like a very loud farm what is he talking about yeah uh it's kind of funny like uh

when he when he joins your show or when he was on my show that one time with the at work at the

recycling plant it becomes part of the prank yeah yeah yeah yeah because we're doing good stuff i'll

We're calling Winn-Dixie Grocery Stores and saying, this guy came in here and said, we got to get the fuck out of here.

He said, it's all this stuff.

All right, let me see if I can get the Billy Goats people back here on the phone because they were funny.

And I want to see if maybe.

That old lady.

Yeah.

Shit.

I want to get the husband.

I didn't notice I had a second number on here.

So, Dwight, you're okay with your show being preempted today?

You're on board with that?

There was a rumor on the Prank Call Nation Reddit that you were being preempted, and you were upset.

Yeah, yeah.

I gave it to him about two weeks out.

Please leave your message for...

He asked for the time slot, and I obliged him.

Oh, shit.

That's Lexi.

I called her last show I did.

I called her Sexy Lexi.

They've heard from me before.

No wonder she hung up like she did.

She remembers me.

The husband does it, but she does.

I actually checked my Facebook, the Dwight Facebook, for the first time in quite some time last night.

and there was a message from some random

fan that's like, you didn't just prank call me, did you?

And I responded back to him

like, well, not on purpose.

That's funny.

I didn't mean to.

Funny.

You got a Julie call.

I got one of those.

I'm pretty sure someone was

trolling me, but it was the Julie.

I've been getting a ton of IRS calls lately.

It was Julie.

I got called by Julie. It was in the middle of the day and I thought it was you guys

fucking with me.

hello yeah hey how you doing is this julie good oh good hey i'm calling regarding the uh two

macdougall long black dresses with silver sequins yes okay cool how many times was that word once

once was it for like a prom or something or yes oh why why didn't she keep she didn't want it after

that no was it your prom oh it was my daughter's oh okay was she like clean all that you know like

did she not get spill anything on herself no she didn't they didn't eat anything there

oh okay did she come right back home would she maybe go with the the date to like a yeah she

came right back home all right because i don't know like when i went to prom i parked my car

under a bridge in my day and we kind of you know we got it in you know what i mean and that dress

was all ruined like monica lewinsky purple dress like semen stains all over it you know and i don't

want that yeah i don't want that there's no stains on it no semen no nothing like that all right no

And now, was it washed after?

No.

Nice.

Very nice.

How long was the prom for?

Did she get it nice and funky?

No, it was like a, not like a high school prom.

It was a different kind of prom.

Oh, nice.

But she didn't get washed after that?

No.

Oh, nice.

So I could smell her juices and all that.

How long ago was this event?

A year ago.

Was it in the summer?

Spring.

Oh, damn.

Nice.

So she probably had some nice smells, natural.

Was she wearing any underwear?

What else do you need to know?

Well, was she wearing underwears?

I work for the sheriff's office, so, you know, I can trace his call, sir.

Did her labia touch the cloth?

All right.

Come on, guys.

You know you all thought about that when you heard it wasn't forced.

It's got her stank on it.

Yeah.

Prom stank.

Nothing better.

She's lying.

If you say there's no semen on it, there's definitely some traces of semen in there.

Some pussy juice on it, man.

A little stinky pinky action that night.

You know what I mean?

Come on.

i mean that's how your son was conceived was prom night so there you go i don't know that i don't

know that i shouldn't say that i'm sorry that's none of my business so what were you saying before

that during were you saying something important for some reason i'm thinking i had to go back to

you on something before oh fuck fuck no nothing i say is important you still play gta 5 i do i

played all the fucking time i played last night what dude there you go but i played on the xbox

where there's no hackers hey you're you're not on snapchat i went uh i took a video of me going

up to uh my arby's here my local arby's and i asked for greenbee and the guy was real confused

he didn't understand why i was asking for greenbee that's hilarious for those of you who don't know

greenbee's uh contributor here and a friend of ours and he works uh he works for the arby's

corporation and we're always talking arby's he's been on the show before talking about arby's

let me see if i can pull the audio is kind of funny he's an insider every time there's a new

fucking sandwich like he's on it yeah because he told me yeah he told me about like they were

gonna have like these loaded greek gyro fries i knew about three weeks before they came out

that's why i went there it was it was that day you know uh let me play this uh audio here let's

see if you guys can hear it let me shut the music off if i can find it do you do any meal prepping

do i do uh generally if it's gonna take a while for me to cook it i'll try to do it the night

before cool here we go here's the audio green bee green bee green bee green bee you have green

green green beans no no green bee what you're saying sir green bee yeah i don't know what that

is i'm sorry i'm sorry what is that i it's it was an arby's thing i thought green bee you don't have

green bee no i have no idea it might be somewhere else i'm so sorry okay bye yeah it's made the dry

through being really stupid and that guy knows me because i see him like every other day so it's

probably like why is the guy the fat guy in the you know the fucking menu like why what are you

playing games you're asking about green beans yeah you're more certain of the health of here

god damn you yeah yeah yeah green bee um any suggestions on who i could call here anything

anything uh you know who has been called that we call my show is that uh anti-homosexual guy

there's an anti-homosexual guy well i mean oh don't you don't need driver's licenses because

you don't know the end the entrance yeah the uh was it xyz was quoting scripture to him like

like back and forth and all that shit.

You have that number available.

I am looking for it.

Is he African or something?

He sounds like GoMumba.

He's Indian.

Shit, dude.

Oh, that reminds me.

Let me go to that Noon who sent the number a few days ago.

Oh, there he is.

He's messaging me about it now.

I guess there were cockroaches in the shit, in the food.

You know how he likes those calls.

Well, actually, this one is just a Mohammed Marduza Zazooza or something.

All right, we'll call Mohammed.

All right, here's another Mohammed.

Muhammad sounds like the new new Dwight the new new drought continues man I'm really screwing up

my words took some of these marijuana capsules that they recommended for me and holy shit I

got this it took forever to kick it but oh shit new new your numbers are even ringing weird that

was a half American half British ring here's the next one which is an Abdul Rayman that's a good

game Rayman played that for the Atari Jaguar back in the day it wasn't my Jaguar it was a friend's

circuits are busy now thank you thank you for that thank you god you can thank me for putting

spaces in the number all circuits are busy please try your call again later that number won't even

go through did i miss a number no i did not like i'm in an arcade with no change i ain't playing

no games that's milkman's rap right there that's awesome welcome to bt mobile the person i remember

remember once i put a one dollar bill in the change machine at the arcade no it was at the

movie theater in the arcade area in the movie theater and it just spit out every the whole

thing just emptied out it just wouldn't stop i think it emptied out the whole thing and i

i must have grabbed like 30 bucks worth of quarters and i didn't leave there with any

i played them all i played so much i remember i played a lot of uh simpsons arcade game beat that

game that day me and my friend thomas thomas ruvera it's one of those arcade games you can

beat if you just keep pumping quarters in the machine expensive but you can beat it hello how

you doing this is the takeaway this is takeaway huh this is takeaway excuse me i'm sorry did i

have the wrong number or what's going on calling from westerly oh i'm just i'm calling you know

i'm calling i was supposed to call this number the takeaway chemo's takeaway

I can't understand you.

Are you making an order?

Can I make an order?

You got cockroaches on the fucking pizza, right?

You got the fucking cockroaches on the pizza?

Hey, is this the place with the cockroach pizza you're calling?

Yeah, who told you?

My friend.

Noonoo told us.

You know Noonoo?

Oh, the Noonoo.

Yeah, this was the Noonoo joint, wasn't it?

Yeah, he said that you had cockroaches in the pizza.

Why you do this thing?

Why?

I think you're wrong with the word, mate.

No, no, no.

Your kibos take away, and you have cockroaches on the pizza,

and you were fined 5,000 pounds for being dirty.

Sharmuta.

It's the wrong number.

Number change.

No, well, you're Sharmuta.

Are you Sharmuta or Bhenchod?

Who's this?

Are you Sharmuta?

Who's Sharmuta?

You Sharmuta.

Your mother Sharmuta.

Olmec.

Listen, mate.

Fuck your sister.

Fuck your mama, okay?

No, you mother first, motherfucker.

I said it.

You motherfucker.

No, you do.

I told you it's the wrong number.

You're talking the wrong thing now.

Your mother, how many men with your mother every night?

Like five?

Is your sister like this?

Your mom do like this?

Like what?

Huh?

Like what?

You say like this.

What do you mean?

Whatever you said, man.

Whatever you said.

I'm asking.

I'm not saying.

I'm asking if your mother's with five men every night.

How many men with your mother?

Is your mom doing like this?

No.

Five, ten men?

No.

For your sister?

Your mother.

Your mother in the street like a dog gets fucked like a dog with all the I think I think for fucking son of a bitch

You know, well the man come to your white mother and they smell her ass and then they fuck her like a dog

You fucking dickhead listen bullshit. Don't call back ever again. Okay fucking dickhead

Charmota you fucking Arabic cunt. Yeah, what are you gonna do about it motherfucker? What are you Persian?

You're even- you're even- you're even Persian?

Arabic guy, fucking like, fucking dickhead.

He don't know how to speak with the people.

You see-

I told you his wrong number, you were doing something- talking wrong, man.

Disgusting Persian.

Fucking dickhead.

Where you from? You Persian? You nasty Iranian motherfucker, you? Huh?

I think you are- you are fucking Arab- Arab- Arabian guy. Fucking dickhead.

I'm Shia.

Shia. Well, yeah, I know fucking Shia.

Shia, you are from Arab- Arab- Arabic, yeah?

That's why you say- you say Shah Mota.

I know what- what means Shah Mota, I know everything, man.

Where are you from, motherfucker?

Your mom's Shamuta.

Your sister's Shamuta.

You know that?

Your mother is a bhenchod.

Bhenchod?

Motherchod?

Your mother is a bitch.

Your sister's a bitch, man.

Don't call ever again on this number.

I call all I want, motherfucker.

You don't do shit about it, motherfucker.

You ain't gonna do shit.

Listen, I have a number, okay?

I will report for this number, okay?

No one cares, because you're dirty people.

No one cares, dirty people, what dirty people do.

You fucking Arabic cunt.

better than wherever you're from

whatever fucking nasty fucking sewer you're from

motherfucker where you from India

yeah where you from

you are from my pussy do you know that

you are from my pussy

you're coming from my pussy

you know my dirty things

you're licking everyday fucking bastard

oh does he have to hide behind his mother

he has to hide behind his mother

to protect him

he's a pussy

he's the bitch that the mother has to protect

I have a very bad period from 5-7 days

And I keep you in that one more common here and make it come on come on

Come on here. That's this. Do you want to drink it? Do you want to drink it in garbage?

I have very very big period for you. Do you want it? No, thank you

How dare you call this number and how dare you talking like that fucking bastard fuck you gonna do about it you

Come here, come here, lick my pussy, I have a dirty thing on there.

Bitch.

Come here.

You're a bitch.

Fucking bastard, you're a mother bitch, you're a fucking old family bitch.

And you are a fucking dickhead, come on here.

Listen, your blood.

Come on here, I'll kick out your...

Yeah, who are you?

Listen, I tell you, you shut up, I tell you.

If you come from your mommy, mom pussy, come front of me.

Come front of me.

Listen.

Come front of me, fucking bastard.

Your blood, your blood is not from the period.

It's not from the period.

You are, you know.

You know, maybe, maybe it's gang rape.

Do somebody do it to your mom?

Gang rape.

Then you born in the world.

No.

Do you understand?

No, I have, that's from my father.

Yes, yes, yes.

My father.

You are coming from gang rape.

No.

That's why you don't know it's your father.

Because you have a baby seven, eight father.

Do you understand?

Well, the blood in your period is not from your period.

Well, your blood is from the period.

It's not from the period.

It's from you being fucked.

Especially Indian, Pakistani, Chinese, everything get together, talk to your mom, then you're born.

Do you understand?

It's not your period, it's from you fucking.

Let me talk, bitch.

Listen to me.

Gang rape, the people do it to your mom, then you're born in the world.

Do you understand?

Then you're born in the world.

That's not true.

That's why you don't have a sense.

That's why you don't have a sense and you're cold and disturbing people for no reason.

You understand? I know next to you who is fucking bastard, make you to call this number.

I know. I heard he's laughing.

Yeah, and tell him I will kick him if he come in front of me.

Fucking bastard. I know I heard that. Who is that?

And I have a very good sense of humor. Do you understand?

I know who are you and disturb you with this number you call every time and disturb.

Fucking bastard, talk to me now.

You don't let me talk, you bitch.

Shut up, fucking bastard.

Let me talk.

Shut up.

No, no, no.

I don't let you.

I never let you talk.

Who are you to call me somebody stupid?

For no reason.

You whore.

And tell the fucking bastard who is next to you, I know him.

And he can't do fucking anything to you.

Do you understand?

And tell the fucking bastard who is next to you.

I know that.

I heard this laughing, and I don't know who is he.

You're a dog.

Fucking bastard.

You're a dog.

Fucking bastard.

I heard it, you know, very thick, very thick period.

Come and lick.

It's not from your period.

It's from you fucking so many men.

Yeah, I will keep all, I will keep that, you know, all straight ladies period for you.

Come in and lick it.

Fucking bastard.

You bitch.

Fucking bastard.

You disgusting bitch.

You don't have a sense to call and disturb people.

No sense.

Maybe you don't have anything to do.

That's why you call this number and disturbing people.

You're a rabid dog.

You're a rabid dog with rabies.

Rabid is a very nice thing, you know.

Rabid people like it.

Dog people like it.

But you know whose people are coming from gang rape, people don't like them.

Do you understand?

So you're coming from gang rape.

I think your eyes look like Chinese.

I think your hair looks like Somali.

I think your color look like, you know, the Spanish.

Maybe you're coming like mixed together from old people.

No, no, no, no.

The fucking bastard called, and he had to hear what he want to hear from me.

Talk to me now.

Fuck you.

Until all night if you want to talk.

You confront.

You confront on me, and I fuck you.

I teach you how to fuck.

Fucking bastard, tell your address.

I will come right now.

You let him.

Tell me.

You come.

You have to.

Rob, tell me your address.

I will come and kick your door and fucking I will kick your face as well.

Come, tell me.

Tell me your address.

If you have a man, if you're coming from your mom's pussy, tell me.

Who are you?

What is your address?

Tell me.

I have it that much in Australia.

I'm going to teach the boy how to fuck by fucking you and letting him watch.

Yeah, actually, I like this.

Come on.

All right.

I like this.

Bitch?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I do.

Yes, I do.

Meet me at the table.

Fucking wanker.

Meet me at the table.

Fucking wanker.

Fucking vagina.

Gay.

Fucking bastard.

Maybe, you know, I know next to you.

Who are you?

You know the two fire next to you?

I have is nothing.

Fucking bastard.

You come from animals.

He's another bastard.

Your mother fucked the dog.

He's another bastard.

Your mother.

He's another bastard next to you.

I have is nothing.

Your mother fucked a monkey.

That's how you came.

You say I'm from gang rape.

You're from animal rape.

No, no, you have, you comment from there.

You know that.

Animals raped your mother.

No, you.

Animals raped your sister.

Animals raped every day your bum, you know.

You have a big bum.

And every animal raped you every day.

You understand?

No.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

No, I don't understand shit, bitch.

I'm talking.

I'm talking, monkey.

Daughter of the monkey.

Bitch. Daughter of the whore.

Bitch monkey woman. I'm talking.

You listening now? Now you listen to me.

Now you confront the race.

Motherfucker.

I'll shave your head.

I'll cut your anus.

With the razor blade.

I know you don't have the food.

You don't have nothing. I know.

You're going to Mother Street and people

what you think throw and you pick up

And you're gonna eat that's why you know you have it nothing to do you are alone nothing to do

Maybe you are alone and drinking and drugs taking that so you'd not have nothing to do

That's why you do all people's and disturbing people fucking bastard fucking wine can fucking bitch your mother

Fucking bitch your sister. That's why you call people and talking like that. Do you understand fucking?

and take your tits all out.

I don't speak animal.

I will kick your tits

and I will kill mouth

and then I take your old tits out.

If you kick, I will take out.

I'll cut your tits, your breasts.

I'll cut them and I'll fry them.

Holy shit.

She is fucking great.

Can I please have that number?

Yeah, sure.

Holy crap.

Thank you.

She is great, man.

She's going to be a party time.

Oh, man.

She said to come front of me

like multiple times like said it in the broken yeah like stupid oh god it was so priceless

it's some type of indian because he was calling me out for being arabic because i know what

means but bancho didn't work so they're not traditional indian or bengali or whatever

dude her whole night and both theirs are imagine that whole house it was dwight what happened to

dwight what is this he said brb gotta get food before comc i tried adding zach said he was

listening i didn't know he had tried calling hello listen don't be like that okay hello

can i explain you need to just pet her neck and tell her calm down little baby

chick a little chicky little chicken chicken my little chicky oh thanks you knew that was a good

Good call, Nunu.

I don't know if that's still the takeaway, but that was still fun.

Matt, Nunu says, Matt already has that number.

She recognized his voice, and she sang a song to you at one point?

Oh, okay.

I don't know.

I don't remember a lot.

Yeah, me neither.

Was it a friendly song, do you think?

I don't know.

Oh, I don't know.

I can't remember her singing.

Wow.

Well, definitely.

You did not get any song.

You just got nothing but a tirade of cursing.

She talked about the nasty of things

that a woman could talk about her periods.

Like Phil.

Phil Flarn.

Phil.

Yeah.

That's what it was.

They can't have no curse show.

Phil Flarn.

Phil.

You can't have no curse show.

Tell that motherfucker to have a Kogan smile.

Okay.

All right.

So I'm not...

Okay.

So, yes.

It's on YouTube.

It's phone marking.

It's supposed to be called phone marking.

Shit.

All right.

Well, there we go.

It's...

Yeah.

Phone marking tonight, everybody.

yeah on youtube yeah i believe that was the secret i thought i'd swear i i didn't know what you're

talking about because i swear he said that in his post yeah like tonight phone art of phone

marking uh like live show on youtube and then comc yeah i swear that was the post yeah um i don't

that's that was my post maybe i was supposed to but then he's posted in support of my post

so i'm presuming my post is okay but now he says uh everyone should know what's on youtube

YouTube, we're not supposed to mention anything besides phone markings.

So, sheesh.

I know why.

Yes, we're doing it.

I know now.

No, we're good.

We're still good.

It's all of us together.

Phone markings slash Calls of Mass Confusion Season 2.

And it's going to be tonight at 10 p.m. on YouTube.

Be sure to check out Calls of Mass Confusion on YouTube.

It's COMC Pranks on YouTube.

COMC Pranks on YouTube.

Go subscribe and like all the videos.

Like everything.

Hit that thumbs up.

you get updated yes that's right hit the bell smash that like button smash that like button

i hear that a lot of smash that shit smash that like button that thumbs dude i'm up over a thousand

subs now man nice nice but i don't have to watch time to have ads but i got the you'll get there

yeah you got you're making dwight numbers now on youtube wow you're beginning they'll be cutting

you check pretty soon uh i don't think so i don't consistently make videos either you should you

should put these motherfuckers on the youtube you know i should uh we need more shows uploaded

sex i know you're listening you were doing them what happened to the whole website you would go

to that held all the funky video that oh well i can only make videos after they're posted on the

the prank all nation site are you still doing that then yeah well i have a playlist i i've made

i think all the ones i can but i i have a pretty neat playlist i have 21 videos made of them okay

all right so that's 21 three hour videos that's a lot of fucking videos that's 63 hours oh that's

i'll i'll post the link in the chat right now there you go there you know party time show

i see it i see it all right okay guys let's uh try to get some more pranks on dwight is still

not here again yet i haven't received any messages from him uh okay let me get back here to my list

of numbers let's see if anything else from nunu i don't know if there was all i do about cockroaches

apparently oh oh maybe i think maybe i kind of remember something i don't know i did i'm acting

acting like i remember it's false memory but you don't you don't remember yeah you don't remember

no okay all right dude i got a haircut today and she cut my you know when they get your the

shave you maybe like a little too close or something with the scissors there and it kind

of hurts you know because yeah like burn yeah and then she put the alcohol shit on and it

i don't know that because as you know i cut my own hair yeah yeah well you should put alcohol

on your head but i mean if you had alcohol you probably drink it i mean i'm gonna put

put some everclear on it's what i'm gonna do on my neck like bushwick bill did he put

no but it's that fucking ever so clear song and then that ever so clear and the end of the video

he's like it's a shame i had to lose an eye to see things clearly and drops the fucking his glass

eye and the glass everclear yeah it's a fucking great video man yeah give me a second i'll be

hmm well hey everybody out there in radio land this is just me talking uh thanks for the

congrats and thumbs up yeah everybody came together i don't know if i'm still blathering

yeah you're good you're good yeah thank you thank you i just had to update the wife on the dog who's

in the crate she's asking if he was bad because he was bad he had to stay oh i just dropped

something uh don't narc on your buddy oh shit i'm actually i'm literally putting everclear on this

on my neck right now see if this burns oh god it burns oh what do you have ever clear i use it to

clean out my wax pen cartridges oh i have i still have little um oh i still have rubbing alcohol

wipes from when i used to have injected myself every day yeah yeah i have those those are cool

and all but i like to soak them you know and then i don't want to do it in rubbing alcohol i don't

I'm going to soak them in isopropyl because it's not food grade.

Everclear is food grade.

Yeah, I am.

Dude, I've got all these weird gadgets now.

It's so strange, you know?

Yeah.

Like all this Gabby-like shit.

Did you get into the concentrates?

Are you cool with them now?

Yeah, yeah.

He gave me a little poker thing.

Yeah, I'm into them.

They're cheaper, you know?

Yeah, and it's definitely you get more for money.

And I get more of a weed taste out of it, too.

you know more than oh yeah okay because yeah i get the live resins and shit yeah that's what's

up you gotta get the did you get so you get live sugar the butter wax i've got a live like sauce

right oh this one is good because when you got it you got a free packs pot and that thing costs

like 65 bucks the packs the little like super like futuristic looking though oh i haven't seen

that yet no don't know never never seen it okay cool well good for you man look at this little

gadget like look at the little it's like flat that's it that's cool all right brownies brownie

scout and that's that's so crazy i gotta get a number here we gotta keep calling

futuristic shit i am it's the future man the future is now it's fucking rad i love living

it's awesome uh we got someone looking to trade an xbox 360 for a playstation 4

uh what okay i don't probably go to tc huh or should i go to the prank call nation one

what are you talking about tiny chatter tiny chat oh yeah whatever you want man your call

cannot be completed as dials whatever floats your butter man the butter sugar it's so it's just it's

it's a different world okay tinychat.com slash zack's intel what are your thoughts on the new

on this new album i'm playing it this part i haven't been this deep until now what one the

zardum one oh hello i'm sorry uh you're looking to trade an xbox 360 or i don't understand why

your ad says what ah it it i it's not that good i don't think yeah that's all right one of the

tunes is really good i just heard some some some of the tunes are dope but like overall i i thought

it was just like like you know yeah yeah i don't but again i haven't listened to it for years though

yeah you know fucking doom no i'm not saying i just i just like when i was i listened to it

twice yesterday and then i just put on fucking food again oh gotcha yeah it's like let's just

go back to the good shit yeah yeah yeah food leftovers is good too dude food's like my shit

Shit, I don't think I realize how much I used to listen to it back in the day.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

How you doing?

Hello?

You have a stand-up freezer?

Yes.

Is it still for sale?

No, actually, it's not.

I've decided to keep it.

Ah, what about the glassware?

Thank you.

What about the glassware?

What the fuck?

Jesus, I'm asking questions here.

You see how these women are?

Right?

I know.

Do you think she didn't like something about the tone of your voice?

Probably.

sound too ethnic for her yeah a little dark yeah a little too dark maybe let me try a little too

crispy some glassware all right let's see hello i'm calling it out the glassware oh it's a totally

different person hello totally different person you're not gonna pick up for me gosh you scared

You're a deaf kid, boo.

So if anybody wants to hang around with me and wasted memory,

go to tinychad.com slash Zax Intel.

Zax as in Zed.

Zax.

Z-A-X.

Intel as in intelligence.

All right.

Dot com as in dot com.

Here is a sushi place.

Don't know where we're going to go with this.

I'm thinking about ending it actually early.

So I'm actually going to make some chicken thighs.

I think I'm going to put some soy sauces on it,

some ginger powder yeah and i got some fresh uh chives here that i cut the other night i got some

leftovers hello hey zax intel hi guys come in with my big interrupting hey what's going on hey mr

hair how are you oh yeah i'm i'm looking at the most recent party time in audacity yeah you gotta

get editing that because matt was really upset just a minute ago talking about that oh this is

I'm going to put Zax on.

He's going to order some of that sushi, all right?

Can you hear me out?

Yeah, yeah.

All right, Zax, go ahead.

Go ahead, buddy.

I know it's...

Hello, hello.

Hi, hi.

Do you have, like, very...

Because I can't chew.

I have no teeth.

So I need very soft things that I could just sort of, you know, like, swallow like a little

bird.

So I think sushi, you know, birds eat fish, raw fish, and I need to swallow like a bird.

Now, do you see?

Now, does two plus two make four or no?

No.

What do you think?

No, I'm sorry.

I cannot understand it, but anyway you want to order sushi?

Yes, yes. I need the softest sushi you have.

What kind of soft sliver down my throat?

What kind of sushi we have?

So many different kind we have.

It's like a little fish.

Hello?

I think I could fit a little fish down there.

Yeah, a little one.

Probably do.

What kind of sushi you want to?

We have a...

You have it?

We have Hamachi, and then Yellowtail, Shrimp, Tuna, and Toro, and Shimachi.

It's good to have tuna. The pizza places have never heard of tuna in America.

I don't know. They don't have tuna anywhere.

Oh, you know? I know. It's a big problem.

This is not a pizza place. This is a sushi place.

Oh, I'm sorry. We're not a pizza place.

I'm just letting you know about the issue with the places.

Yeah, yeah.

It's not really going anyway.

Dragon roll?

Dragon roll.

Dragon roll?

Is this really, is this Nobu Nobu, like the Nobu in L.A.?

It's not L.A., but we have a Dragon Roll also, but you don't have any menu?

Mira.

No, they don't have them in England.

Are you affiliated with Nobu in L.A. and New York?

Is this the same people?

It's not the same, you know, company.

But we are almost the same thing.

We spell ours with a lowercase m.

Oh, do you not have sesame seeds on the tofu roll?

We have sesame seeds.

We have everything.

But you don't know to have a menu.

I think problem, too, I guess.

Right, right, right.

It's going to be a problem, too, I guess.

Can I make an order for Dragon Roll, then?

Yes, we have.

You want a Dragon Roar order?

Yeah.

How many?

One?

One order, six pieces coming.

Okay, well, coming then.

One order, six pieces.

One shrimp tempura.

One shrimp.

We have a shrimp tempura, cream cheese, shrimp tempura, avocado, orange.

We have a shrimp tempura.

It's asparagus.

Three kinds we have.

Asparagus.

No, no.

You know what?

Asparagus makes your pee-pee taste smell really bad, you know?

And tastes bad too, you know, it smells bad when you drink

Do you have do you know that in Japan that when you eat asparagus your peepee smells bad? It's only certain people's DNA

It smells bad, okay, okay. Yeah, I heard I heard that that's only certain people really yeah

Yeah, it's something. I don't know.

Yeah, it's something.

If we do live in the future,

we could just Google it.

The future's now. You should be able to take a pill that makes that not happen.

I feel like you should be able to take a pill

that makes your semen taste like anything you want it to taste like.

Yeah.

Like cherry? Mace?

Pepper spray?

Mace?

Have it taste like

your semen

taste like mace?

Bleach in your eye.

It was first the result

Salt from beer, where there's still...

Okay, let's see.

Beer that smells people's...

Ability to smell asparagus pee driven by generic variation.

Ability to smell it or ability for it to actually smell like it?

So, yeah, I guess.

I don't know.

So, yeah.

I guess.

Okay.

Oh, but now that things are saying it's a myth, too.

So, you know.

I don't know.

We'll have to ask Dr. Drew or something.

uh fuck him yeah this rehab bullshit fucking rehab super squares he just fucks up hey he's

trying to get he was on a stern so he tried to get arty lang in on his show and he's like

hello yeah i'd like to make an order yeah for pickup yeah yeah uh one rice okay one shells

one shells what's that i'm sorry do you have the shell the snail snails do not sir oh shit okay

Okay, one dragon roll.

Okay, one maki roll.

What's a maki roll?

It's like tamago, tamago, tamago, no?

Maybe you don't have, maybe you don't have.

One Philadelphia roll.

Okay, okay.

One California roll.

All right, one horse roll.

Dude, I don't have that horse roll.

You don't have horse roll?

Okay, all right, and then after I eat the food,

how long until I have to take a shit in the toilet?

Pardon me?

How long until I have to take a shit in the toilet after I eat?

no this is sushi blue ocean sushi yeah how long after i eat how long until i go to the bathroom

do you have a bathroom there just in case i need to make sure because i eat that sushi and like

i'll be still on my way home and i'm like oh man it's it's gonna be you know

i like it oh you know i was uh really like it earlier when you you flipped the

the horse machine ranch road cross oh yeah lived on the whatever cross machine ranch my name was

yeah yeah that was fun i got i gotta do something man i gotta keep it fresh you know i like that

that was fun i was like flip it reverse it yeah yeah uh i want to call back that muslim or whatever

they were that lady the period blood and all that shit maybe she'll talk oh maybe she'll sing the

cockroach song to me i wonder was it a friendly song and you don't say yeah you used to be

friendly um used to be cool new news said you used to be cool man maybe we just ruined her

date night or something though i think i was listening to one of your shows and there was

well that happens a lot though right he sends you a lot of those cockroach numbers

yeah that's new news thing like keeping keeping europe clean yeah her england don't look don't

tell him he lives in europe he gets mad about that the uk is not oh no yeah yeah they brexit

you zack's guy he's eating pizza yeah yeah yeah you're great you're very yeah yeah i got my big

vote sign i got a big sign brexit all for brexit i had it in my window and i was i was waving

hello he he was out working for you kev hello ma'am britain first or something

chermuta chermuta i think i i i know

chermuta are you there chermuta woman man hello monkey hey things said and just hey i hear you

sung a cool cockroach song to me during the daytime before can you sing more friendly

are you farting is that is that i was gonna say is that is that her pussy is that the air

in the woman's pussy

from fucking so much?

Whatever it is,

it's taking tremendous effort to do

and I don't think it's going to

last that much longer.

This is hilarious.

This is great stuff.

You got us.

Somebody posted that

beat us a butthead

with a drink

or with toilet flushes.

Congratulations.

You just won a pizza.

Give me your address

and I'll make sure

you get it to you boys.

Look, I have toilet too.

Listen, listen.

We have toilet.

because it really is funny

gotcha see i have more toilet shit than you do yeah because like i said whatever that that farty

noise i think it was like maybe a hand or a mouth like a double hand it was a double hand yeah

or something like that yeah yeah but it was like a tremendous effort it sounded like yeah all right

then i guess you're not gonna you're just gonna shit in the toilet whatever dude you just sit

there doesn't matter at least you're having fun with it at whatever what time is it over there

mr zacks or correspondent okay one almost 2 a.m oh wow one 153 friday night when do your clocks

roll um we we did it recently just but like three weeks after yours or so okay i thought it was this

week for some reason okay no no it's like last week good because i was gonna tell you you know

you're gonna lose an hour be careful don't wake up late be careful yeah i remember when

you miss church

fucking church right you probably never went to church there

well matt probably went to church a few times but yeah i even had a first communion and shit

back in the day did you go to the church of england um i can't remember what kind but i i

i i definitely been we had like school trips to a church and there was a vicar man who stood and

he said words oh yeah i definitely i went to a drop in my docs i went to a church of england

school a christian school we had we had choir practice we sang sang like songs about like

Jesus yeah you know any still um I know one let's go to this it was from it was

the very first one that we ever sung a second remember very young it was them

about God it was them so I'm I'm special you're special what's special don't you

see each of us is special to God that's the way it's meant to be I like it

that's so stupid i can remember that's so that's like there you go how old were you then like five

six yeah like year one year one yeah yeah i remember i remember like uh like not the church

but a preschool like cleanup song from when i was like because how long how little are you in

preschool yeah i still remember when i when i had to count the days of the week i still sing the song

on my head there was a song uh do i remember it monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday

saturday sunday and then i'd always keep going like a stupid kid i go monday like that when

you're supposed to stop and i got in trouble for once i was told to stop you were told carlos you

were told not to keep saying and they would say there are seven days in the week and then i do

the abc song all the time when i have to go through it you know the abc song i always sing

i i hear our theme song is the russian abc song yes in the background you did explain that to me

yeah i thought it was german for the longest and you need to watch out you need to change it you

shouldn't be playing that russian stuff anyway you know what i mean it's not we're not in the

right climate for that because you'll get in trouble let's go they'll start watching you

thinking you're implicit we're in the middle of a new civil war here you know and what people

don't want to remember is that there is a thing called the dead hand and the russians do still

maintain it the dead hand program is still in place you can thank ronald reagan for that

no the old nerve gas yeah no the dead hands are like spies

hello hello hi what can i do for you sir hi is this sushi machine sushi yes okay good i like to

make an order one dead hand uh what do you want to order a dead hand just one dead hand dead hand

And do you know what that is?

What's a dead hand?

I sit on my hand until it goes numb, and then I masturbate, and it feels like someone else is doing it for me.

Okay.

I don't know, but it sounds like you.

One dragon roll?

A dragon roll?

Yeah.

One dragon roll.

Anything else?

Yeah, one tamago.

Do you have the tamago?

Tamago?

One tamago.

Egg custard?

Of the nigiri?

Yeah.

Okay.

Anything else?

All right, one beans.

I'm sorry, what did you say?

Beans.

Beans?

Yes.

Oh, you mean the edamame, the...

Yeah, the green ones.

the green beans oh yeah that's edamame yeah the green beans yeah okay okay anything else one dead

hand dead hand yeah yeah dead hand a dead hand we don't have it you know how you sit on your hand

and it it goes to sleep anything else i can get for y'all because when i touch myself like that

it doesn't feel like it's me doing it feels like it's a you know a girl another person all right

um it's called the dead hand ordering yeah yeah i was just kidding april fools huh you know got a

So, dragon roll, baked egg, the tamagos, edamame.

Yeah, yeah.

How long after I eat that until I take a shit in the toilet?

Sir, bye-bye.

Come on, April Fool's, April Fool's.

I'm joking.

Come on.

I'm a big fan.

Big fan.

Come on.

It counts as April Fool's?

All right, bye.

Because it's April in the UK.

It's April 1st in the UK, so it counts as April Fool's.

Okay.

All right, I'll be serious.

Okay, that's it.

How much is the total?

$20.74.

Okay, all right, all right.

And I want to see you when I'm there, right?

Do you have a toilet?

In case I need to use the toilet.

Goodbye.

Are you going to put it in?

Sir.

Yeah.

I read a book about the Dead Hand Program.

It's basically, all right, so this motherfucking Reagan, they had his head all spinning like,

hey, we're going to get this Star Wars program, and we're going to put missiles and lasers in space

to stop the Soviets from destroying the United States.

When they throw out ICBMs, we'll shoot them down.

he's all like because he was fucking retarded and old and seniles he believed it and then

fucking gorbachev and him were in the middle of a summit and gorbachev was like hey here's an idea

tell me if you think this is cool let's completely get rid of both our nuclear stockpiles we're going

to get rid of ours the soviets and you're going to get rid of yours americans we'll have no nukes

and we're going to be great it's going to be great it'll be peace forever and reagan's like

yeah great that's a good idea because i saw that movie the day after and i got scared so

so he's like all right cool um so but they said oh wait a minute oh we got this program called

star wars and i can't get rid of it he's like no wait look we're talking about we're going to

completely get rid of nukes it's like yeah no i don't want to get rid of star wars and and the

whole thing broke so we almost that's how close we got to global denuclearization basically

and it didn't go through star wars yeah it was because of that movie tie-in hi brad

yeah that's why i think reagan signed a thing with george lucas yeah yeah so um the russians

gorbachev went back said all right look this motherfucker's a crazy fucking cowboy we need

an alternative to star wars so they made the dead ham program so basically if moscow loses

communication with the the nuclear command every single nuke that the soviet union has will just

fly off if if they're 20 if 20 minutes go by and they it can sit it's a completely computer

automated thing there's no yeah way for any human to make it not go yeah if it considers that the

moscow got the decapitated attack and it destroys the world it's basically just like dr strange of

us it's the real deal and so now in the end we have the russians who have this this system still

still in place they still update it it can still kill us all if the power goes out of moscow for

20 minutes or the phone get if brad carter hacks the phone over there and and star wars never it's

nothing it was it was fucking pipe dream expensive bullshit that never was going to work out it was

this fucking military contractors trying to get money it never works so that we're you know

whatever you know whatever mohawk says star trek is greater than star wars it is we should have

have had a star trek program totally yeah that wouldn't that that would have been a whole

different thing man yeah let's just go out and make some friends yeah you would have had spot

would have been charged dr spot from uh the surgeon general back then

that would have been rad yeah um brad you're joining again you join when i'm about to end

it's nine o'clock i have to go i have to make sure yeah i know but are you gonna be dca i was

busy oh okay all right i'm gonna do that too are you gonna you're gonna be on the tonight the thing

the tonight show yeah i guess so okay all right i'm excited are you excited i'm so excited i'm

pretty excited right right right yeah when is tonight's show it's not around but i don't have

to pretend to be excited right no right and you know what do the ankle monitor thing don't listen

when is the when is the big show less than an hour from now i'm about 50 an hour from now yeah

yeah 15 minutes 58 listed 58 at the top of the hour all right you understand the top of the hour

we'll all be here dwight and all these other guys prank callers prank call telephone people

we're gonna having a great time tonight i'm gonna be doing a 20 minute long pre-show

nice are you really because i'll tune in my wife will tune in oh are you quick now let's just go

until seven i can't i have to make chicken you know it's i need my protein all right

Matt, do a party time show for us.

Oh, yeah.

Do it.

Zach's just...

I already messaged Matt saying...

Yeah, okay.

We can...

Yeah, sure.

All right.

Do it.

All right, all right.

Well, I'll play us out.

I'll let you guys go, and then you guys go on, and then there we go.

Woo!

All right, cool.

All right, I'll let you guys go.

See you, everybody.

See you in an hour.

That's them.

All right, so everyone, thank you for tuning in tonight.

It was an okay show.

the the muslim or indian lady at the end there was really funny thank you new new i was just in the

middle of talking crap about the new new streak continuing where people don't seem to pick up much

and those people picked up that was great and then we got treated to like a fart uh thing by

them and a toilet flushing oh my god what a show we had tonight we had we caught up with the uh

the kmart guy he seems to be taking it all in stride i told him you know hey go get

watch some kevin smith movies and uh do some drugs and he even said you know he's like yeah

i might i might do that medical thing heck yeah man all right so as i said before prank calls

calls of mass confusion comc pranks on youtube comc pranks on youtube twitter is calls of mass

confusion also on facebook same thing calls of mass confusion um live show in less than an hour

that's going to be over at youtube so again youtube.com slash comc pranks it may or may

not be on audio also i don't know i don't know if it is it'll probably be on the prank call nation

one so look out for that but try to get on youtube because it's going to be something that

you want to be on youtube for i'm not supposed to say anything else about it all right all right

i'll catch you guys here then smell you later stay tuned for uh a brief matt hillock zach show

Party time fucking bastard make me make you to do call this number

Calls (28, 1 h 8 min of 2 h 26 min)

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