Want To Get Your Ass Kicked? 4/20/2018

the streets listening to madhouse live i hope my speech can compete with that bad mouth style that

we get from carlito that's my big amigo so just kick back to listen to this cat call people when

this show goes live i'll be like damn this shit's bitching stop whatever i'm doing to tune in and

listen you can catch me in the back of his home at horse machine ranch road i'm busting mad fat

flows for assholes and banchos must be crazy shout out to big amy that's nice honey baby

We kissing pussies, so ladies, start your labia

It's crazy how the stuff that my bruh might say to ya

Face it, cuz it's the number one prank cast

Stay back if you can't handle all the straight laughs

That we hand to your dome

And if you want, call the number

You can listen to this show on the go

Big up to the man in the madhouse

Show love, stick him on the fuckin' hands

You're listening to Madhouse Live Live

On the largest prank call station in the nation

how are you good how are you good uh i need ashtrays over here we're getting set up i mean

i don't understand why there's no ashtrays in here am i supposed to use these glasses that

you got here i'm i'm sorry and where where is that i'm at the petaluma machine the petaluma

machine what's what's that it's the hotel machine in petaluma hello ignorant excuse me i said hello

Hello, ignorant and stutter.

That's incredibly rude.

I'm not trying to...

I'm not...

I'm not trying to...

Jesus Christ, let me talk!

I'm not trying to be rude.

I'm just being frank.

Jesus Christ, fucking...

Jesus.

Hello?

Oh, I thought it wasn't ringing anymore.

Thank you for calling Best Western Petaluma.

This is Catalina.

How may I help you?

Yeah, que pasa?

What happened?

What happened with what?

That the woman hung up on me.

I don't know.

so how may i help you labia i we need um ashtrays there's no ashtrays here and that's not acceptable

uh what are we supposed to use these glasses these short glasses you have here what ashtrays

are you staying in one of our rooms because all of our rooms are non-smoking well it's 420

and we have to do things so obviously room 420 no i this today's 420 look at the calendar hello

come on let's go i wish i where's my whistle at i had a whistle all i got is this okay

Okay, are you staying with us here at the Best Western Petaluma Inn?

Yes, in Petaluma with the beer.

This is the place you got that stupid eggs and butter bullshit.

Okay, I would like you to not call this number again.

I'm here right now.

I need help.

You need to help me.

I need the fucking ashtray.

I'm sorry.

I need the ashtrays.

What room are you in?

Can I just go pick them up?

Because now you know we're smoking marijuana in here.

Okay, so yes, you can come and pick it up here.

And when you get here, there's going to be a cop waiting for you.

Why?

it's not a crime i bought this legally it doesn't matter but like i say we don't allow smoking in

the rooms and i'm asking what room you are and you're not letting me know for what for what

i i i work for the lagunitas brewing company i need to know what room number you're in i'm on

the second floor what room 13 you cannot be in room 13 213 we don't have a room 213 then i don't

know 231 i don't know i don't know it's not in my name i'm just here i'm crashing we put pillows

and blankets in the in the tub and i'm just laying down in there and why don't you have a rolling

shower god damn it let me talk hey everybody yeah hitler's birthday oh yeah sure they're

celebrating that in austria today what do you guys think we can find out let's see a hotel

in Austria I don't even know any cities in Austria that's pretty ignorant of me

right I'm sure I do there's a city called Klagenfurt nice

Klagenfurt yeah I will see if I can do this correct with the country code and

all the bullshit ha ha I guess you're not supposed to say that anymore man I

don't know the country code why do I always mess this up you think by now I

would have learned how to do this shit and the number the source of 43 that's

It's a country code machine, and that's what I get.

I'm not dialing it right.

I need the exit code first.

That's what it says here.

I wish Brad Carter was here.

Too bad he's not with us anymore.

011, dial for...

Jesus Christ.

All right, let's play the thinking music.

Thanks, you all, for putting up with me.

011 plus 43 plus phone number.

That's what I did.

did oh um because i think you're also supposed to like add a zero or some shit i think i'm doing it

right oh yeah but yet what i do i don't have the right combination i'm not gonna try that way again

i give up maybe i have to do the zero let's try the zero i might have to eliminate numbers out of

it don't know don't know i guess we're not calling austria sorry guys i guess i just can't call

austria and person you've called is not available please leave your message they changed their

number because they were getting prank called so much by people um but that is correct so i guess

we just can't call austria okay sorry guys sorry all you hitler fans yes he has a right to say that

this is a very cheap hotel in germany let's see if germany works one of the germans is zero keys

stuck yay my keyboard's full of rice and beans i'm not kidding you it is see i guess we can't

call Austria but here's those dirty Germans they might not even speak the English here I'm calling

like the middle of nowhere what's a big city there in Germany Leipzig I've heard of that city before

I heard that's a real happening place I think that was a big East German kind of city wasn't

that the biggest city in East Germany other than East Berlin which doesn't count you know I don't

understand how the fucking the the the allies what hello the fuck speak English what is this

yeah it sounds like it's still fucking east germany jesus anyway germany yeah so

fucking the the nato powers and all that france britain and united states how fucking why would

they want to be in berlin that was just for the balls of it like west berlin was like in the middle

of east germany in the middle of the country surrounded by you know hostiles and why would

Would anyone want to live in West Berlin during that time?

Hello?

Hey, speak English, you monkey.

How you doing?

Hey, hello there.

Hi.

Hey, is this the former East Germany?

Yes, it is.

How old are you?

So I'm 32.

32.

So you were about, you were in my generation.

So I'm born in 85.

So you remember the wall and all that machine, right?

Not really, because I was just four years old.

But you were a communist, right?

right yeah that's totally right all right so do you is it true that there's i happen i happen

a communist but just just before the age of five but afterwards i i've never been communist

afterwards so but you did were you ever baptized because you were atheist back then right excuse

me were you ever baptized because you were atheist when you were born this was atheist country right

i've never been baptized no but i should try this out you have original sin you're going to go to

of the hell and also because you're dirty east german so um why why why were they trying to stay

in west west berlin why were we so stuck on west berlin everyone i apologize on behalf of the

western powers because that was very rude of us you know like to insist that we had to have a

presence and you know what i mean it's like get the fuck out of our country i'm sure you people

were like right like we should have just been happy with what what's a big west german town

other than berlin cologne maybe cologne munich they have not sure munich frankfurt yeah fran

they got good hot dogs there yeah one of those they should have just they should have moved the

capital there you know what i'm trying to say yeah sure you know and they're moving from the

capital from bonn to berlin you mean yeah or just just just oh yeah you're right maybe because

bonn is really a nice town isn't it yeah berlin was never the capital of course you're right that

That would be silly.

What was the capital of East Germany machine?

Was it Lipsig?

Bonn.

Bonn?

Bonn is the name.

Bonn.

B-O-N-N.

I know the fucking city, but what about West?

Okay.

East Germany.

What was the capital?

Ah, okay.

East Germany.

So this was, I think, Berlin, I think, isn't it?

Ah, that's very rude of you guys, too, though.

Because, look, come on.

You guys should have worked with us there.

You know, like, if you knew it was a sensitive subject, you guys were like, oh, okay, well,

Well, it's just like Trump declaring that Jerusalem is the capital of Israel, you know?

I know you guys are tired of the Jews.

I know you guys have that whole history.

So is there anything going on today for Hitler's birthday at all?

No, not any kind of party or something.

Everybody's a bit down, I think.

Today's April 20th. I know that's Hitler's birthday.

Yeah, I know.

Of course you know.

But nobody in our house is celebrating this. I'm sorry.

is anyone celebrating it around here at all oh i'm not sure but but maybe some some people here

in the town who still believe that this is the right way to do things or something yeah maybe

they're celebrating some of the old people or the ones that have blonde hair still yeah maybe

just a group of nazis or something yeah maybe they they are celebrating today yeah yeah is danny

there danny big danny danny yeah who's danny d-a-n-i d-a-n-i danny it's a woman who does

oh supposedly it's a woman uh we're just trying to see if it's really a woman or a man because

we're kind of not sure it's do you get a last name uh no i mean i'm sure someone does but i'm

not at liberty to be saying those things no okay no i don't know okay do you have any uh do you

have this here in east germany with the the maybe the men who feel like like woman inside and then

they dress like it i mean it's okay and everything but you know why don't they just what are you

searching for oh i'm just i'm looking for you want to do so you want to dress like a woman or

do you search for somebody who could dress like a woman and but the man i'm trying to go what are

you searching for i'm trying to confirm if this if this woman is really a woman or not or a man

oh i'm not sure if she or he is a woman because we met at the private with her we went at the

discotheque and we were gonna fuck and for some reason she said i need to go to the bathroom

right before you know what i mean yeah and i think which kind of bathroom did you choose

it was my bathroom for the woman my bathroom in the hotel okay but but i started i started

thinking because she went in with her purse so maybe she went in to apply lubrication to her

i think so too you know yeah shit is you am i gay now um yeah i think so yeah i think you're

maybe you're gay, but there's no problem, isn't it?

Well, I mean, it's kind of rude.

I didn't want to be.

It's fine, but I just wish these people would just be up front and say,

hey, before we have the sex, I want you to know that I was born a man, you know?

I have a different physical condition.

It would be fair.

It would be a good, clean solution, I guess, yeah, to do this.

Because she was, like, jerking me off, and her hands, her fingers were huge, like sausages, like schnitzels.

That's not all right.

And there were some hair on the knuckles

And I just thought maybe that's a German thing

But then I found out that really

German women aren't that hairy

That's more like Italian, I guess

Yeah

I think in many parts of Europe they have it

I was incorrect about that

But not you guys, shit dude

I really think that

And then the name Danny

It's like, you know, like D-A-N-I

Danny is strange, could be woman or could be man

I know, could be Daniel or Danielle

Exactly

Exactly.

Danielle sounds great.

Well, that's a pretty name.

And I love names that start with D.

Look, I don't have a problem with the homosexuals.

If you want to be that, you know, you people want to do that.

I think they should have their own country separate, you know what I mean?

Segregated from us.

And that's fine.

They should go back to their own country.

Go back to where they're from.

Sounds like a good and clean solution.

Yeah, because I don't think the mixing of the gay race and the human race is...

I mean, I'm not against those people, but they need to go back to their own place

and fix their country first.

Fix your country first, you know, and don't ask us.

Do what you can yourself first, and then come ask us what we can do.

I got a lot of shit I got to do, all right?

Yeah.

All right.

I got to go.

Go.

Go to hell.

You too.

Yeah, I got to go too.

Okay.

So it was really nice to talk with you.

Well, go get baptism.

All right?

See you.

Bye.

Okay.

Bye.

All right.

Well, it's true.

that's a dirty trick that those people do they go back to their own country what i think i'm

off there just a little bit i think i got a little confused all right what else can we do here we

talked about history there the cold war communism atheism damn

hi stupid do you speak english yes oh hey how are you doing oh i'm sorry do you know what stupid

means i'm sorry what do you know what stupid means because i said hey stupid just joking but

maybe you know what that means i'm sorry if you know that's bad bad thing it's okay okay i just i

like to go around i go around countries that i'm that i'm visiting that they don't speak english

and i just i say fucking and shit and because i i can do it and no one knows but then my wife

started pointing out that hey you know a lot of these people know what that's that means you know

okay yeah do you know what labia means no labia what can i do for you can you look it up there's

a word here that says labia l-a-b-i-a no what do you mean no do you have a computer i don't

understand you do you have a computer to look up something yes okay look up the word l-a-b-i-a

we are a hotel what can i do for you i need labia but i don't know how to explain it in german

and can you look on the computer to see what it means and tell me if you have this no i haven't

you haven't what you computer you know how to use computer honey i have a computer yes okay

frau go to do you have the google what do you have the google fraulein please google i don't

know what you mean translate the word labia don't cry please okay no crying translate the word

labia into german do you understand yes i understand but it don't given in translation

you know i don't want to do this with you because you're being an asshole okay okay all right you're

being a fucking asshole so get out of here it's okay all right go to hell bye bye bitch bye

asshole motherfucker let's go away she knows what that means too uh let's see if i can make this

international call work this is to a former commonwealth country so i have good hopes that

this will work i just wanted her to look up a big picture of alabia you know danny i'm just joking

all right uh really i don't care what you are i understand you're a woman it's just a joke all

right danny the prank call bitch listen to her show danny the prank call bitch on mixler danny

the prank call bitch at mixler.com forward slash gort i don't think i can call this number damn it

it's weird i can i can i can successfully call the uk but i can't call so far austria or south

South Africa.

Ah, this motherfucker.

This motherfucker clone.

This is the Russian embassy.

Yeah, shut up.

Is this the Russian embassy?

Yes, how can I help you?

This is the United States of America calling.

Ah, okay.

You're going to get your fucking ass kicked.

You got a problem?

I got a problem?

She didn't talk to me.

They're probably used to that shit already.

This is the Russian embassy.

You got a problem?

Huh?

I'm telling you, man.

They're looking for a fight.

Maybe the Chinese would be able to be like,

Oh, yeah, you want to fight?

We want to fight.

Fuck you, come down.

You have reached the embassy of the People's Republic of China in Ottawa, Canada.

If you know the extension number, please dial it now.

Good afternoon, Chinese AMC.

Yeah, you people got some kind of problem?

Sorry?

You people got some kind of problem?

I'm sorry, sir. I don't understand.

Well, yeah, you...

What's the problem?

What's this ring that...

Well, how far out in the South China Sea are you guys expecting to go until you get your asses kicked?

It's ridiculous.

It's ridiculous how far you're going out.

And you're building your own islands

Fiery cross island

That's a reef

And you ruined it by putting sand on top of it

And all your stuff is dirty

And I got a toilet from China

It was made in Shenzhen

And this motherfucker I sat on it broke

Please watch your mouth okay sir

I didn't understand the situation

Fucking monkey

Fuck you

No you fuck you motherfucker

I didn't feel like that

Fuck you

...of the People's Republic of China in Ottawa, Canada.

Good afternoon, Chinese MC.

We're gonna kick your ass just like we did in Vietnam, motherfucker.

Is that what you want?

Hey! Fuck China!

Fuck China!

Free Tibet!

You wanna marry me to get American citizenship?

I'll suck your dick.

Your little penis.

No, seriously though, you guys are gonna get your asses kicked if you don't stop the bullshit.

Stop fucking making claims in the South China Sea, motherfuckers!

Stay on your side!

Piece of shit!

no one recognizes that bullshit law that you say that you get so many kilometers no one gives a

shit it wasn't even made by your country it was made by the republic of taiwan's government you

kicked them all out you had a revolution but you picked their laws when it when it's convenient

for you huh stupid asshole fuck you your rockets suck your products suck your iron sucks you can't

even weld underwater you suck you steal everything fuck out of you kick their fucking ass

Just like we did in Vietnam.

I don't know how funny it is to meet Carlitos just yelling at embassies.

That's why I guess that's what I'm doing right now.

Happy 420, everybody.

Let's start a war!

I should call the Japanese embassy and say all this stuff.

They'll be like,

No, no, we are not!

We are not China's Japan embassy!

Oh, my bad.

Where's my vape pen?

Calm down, fucking ringing is even stupid.

They can't even copy that right.

Pick up, motherfucker, you.

you let me try a consulate instead what's the consulate just like a small embassy it's like

a little house i'm on this stupid chinese people website i can't see the fucking numbers on here

fuck this shit fuck out of here let's see if i can call mexico mexico

they're closed oh well who else do we hate right now guys who else's ass is gonna get

kicked don't say north korea because we don't have relations with them no one i can call i

Oh, does Canada have relations with North Korea?

Let's see.

I don't think they do.

I think only Switzerland does.

That I know.

I think Switzerland is the only place that has an embassy.

They're always the intermediary between our cultures.

Maybe like a special mission.

Oh, they're...

Embassy of Canada.

Oh, this is the Embassy of Canada in North Korea.

I ain't doing that.

Oh, in South Korea.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Forget that noise.

Remind me, did I speak to the Russian embassy in Canada?

I think so.

I think she just hung up on me.

It sucks that I can't call fucking other countries.

man, because I'd be all over it.

I mean, I know I can.

It's just...

Where are the fucking words of this song, you white honkies?

Is he smoking weed?

That's our Russian embassy.

Yes, hello.

I need to speak to the manager.

Manager?

The supervisor there, the man.

We don't have managers here

Well I know the woman

Isn't in charge

Who are you

What do you do

You just answer the phone

Sir what's the purpose

Of your calling

I have concerns

And I'm trying to mediate

Before there's a problem

You guys are looking

going to get your asses kicked sir you're calling the russian embassy you don't have managers okay

what do you have there do you have uh consulate people we have conflict but it's closed right now

how can i help you are there any diplomats available how can i help you sir i'm upset

because you guys are going to get your asses kicked you know what i mean and we'll kick your

ass we'll kick your ass are you calling from huh i'm calling from my house and i'm watching the tv

Are you coming from Ottawa?

Yeah, yeah.

And I'm watching the TV and I see Putin on there talking shit.

Oh, okay.

Like a motherfucker, you know what I mean?

I'll slap him right in the face, that motherfucker.

Thank you very much.

He sucks dicks.

Have a good day.

He sucks dicks.

Dicks.

He does suck dicks.

You ever see that video of him kissing a baby's belly?

A baby, a boy's belly?

He's a homosexual, him.

Shine like the sun.

Shine on you crazy.

Dumber.

Yeah, I love this song. It's called Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds by John Lennon.

Great song. My fucking favorite Beatles song right here.

Sure, Mika, I'll ask that.

Nova Chalk. Nova Check, Nova Chalk.

Hello, where's the Nova Chalk located?

Hee hee. Motherfucker.

I knew I should have done the show earlier. Now all the consulates and embassies are closed.

You're gonna get your asses.

oh here we go here we go rolling her eyes over there i want to talk to that chinese cat again

though man before they cook them oh got them thanks everyone for tuning in really quickly

recall that madhouse live.com is my website you can catch the madhouse prank cast which i

understand is three episodes behind i apologize i will be making a statement about that shortly

And I'm not distracted doing two things at once and such.

Oh, this is a different one.

All right.

The German embassy.

See if they want to make a statement about it.

Oh, God.

I hope you guys are enjoying the show.

Shut the fuck up.

That shit.

We put load on everything.

i'm gonna hit zero bet you they can't even get that right here it's the nine dash line that i

was talking about they're fucking crazy they they said they they made their own map of the pacific

and they they basically circled around using nine dashes all the way up to like every other country

like the philippines and humai and vietnam and so this is sovereign chinese territory

territory back in the 18 back in 18 something it's like fuck you so what no one recognizes that

shit dude no one cares and it's again you you had a revolution it's not the same government

let me see what google says when this is first put up following the defeat of japan at the end

of world war one the republic of china now known as taiwan reclaimed the entirety of the parasols

Pradas and Spratly Islands after accepting the Japanese surrender machine. It is generally not recognized to have

Ongoing disputes with basically everyone including Malaysia the Philippines Brunei

Taiwan itself God ask Iranians. Why they're afraid the word the order now

I know they don't have an embassy here, but pretty sure that Iranians have an embassy in Canada Iranian

Have a consulate now. It is an embassy. Okay, cool. They retained that

But President Carter revoked that after the revolution.

Fucking things are going backwards in this world, man.

Iran's going to do whatever they want now.

The new leader in Cuba is going to roll back everything.

Our country is definitely going backwards.

Sorry I missed.

Please leave me a message and I'll get back.

Fuck.

I got to urinate.

Listen to this while I urinate, please.

Thank you.

Wait a minute.

We already played that fucking song.

You know?

We already played that fucking song.

That ain't going to get played right now.

Fuck that.

Sorry about that, guys.

I'm back.

I'm paying attention here.

We're now listening to the soundtrack from Final Fantasy XIII.

Enjoy this.

My favorite song.

Mixing some cranberry juice with some ginger ale.

Because I have a UTI.

Because I wipe back to front when I take a shit.

Here I am.

So, what can we do, eh?

I wasn't really planning a show until the last minute when I realized what the day was.

And then me, my style is I just go on.

I don't even start looking for numbers.

I say this all the time.

but until the actual

intros are playing

I always do that

let's try another

embassy

and I know this is

really like acid

music but

it feels good

you know

it's good weed music

too

because most of you

white people don't

like that reggae

shit so I can't

play a Bob Marley

what what

I wasn't paying

attention

shit

three

sure

Sure.

Sie haben das deutsche Generalkonsulat in Atlanta erreicht.

You have reached us outside of our regular working hours.

Yeah, I don't think...

Unless I found one, like, on a different coast.

Oh, here we go.

L.A.?

That should be open still.

A smile from a fan.

I think he'd tell.

...and verbunden mit der Voicemail des deutschen Generalkonsulats...

No, no voicemail!

Call the Embassy Suites Hotel.

Tell them I'm stuck in Mexico.

Need to get...

That's a good idea.

Whoever that was.

Flashed too fast.

this function has not been performed

guten tag

I'm Danny and I will be your phone representative

if you know your party's three digit extension

you may dial it any time during this recording

sorry Danny

for opening hours, address, and directions

please press 1

I'm just kidding Danny please

for information on applying for

and renewing a German passport

please press 2

fuck that

thanks XYZ is not doing a show by the way today

and I didn't plan that

German Consulate, good afternoon.

How may I direct you?

I didn't realize.

Hi, Germany.

How are you doing?

I do the right to call?

Well, I need, today's Hitler's birthday.

We were wondering if we could get someone to make an appearance and speak on that.

On what?

On Hitler's birthday today.

Oh, we couldn't help you.

Well, you're Germany.

I mean, I tried calling the Austrian embassy, and they said it would be better to call you guys.

Probably better call them, because he was from there.

Yeah, but I called them, and they referred me to you.

they said that he was actually uh he was indeed born in austria but that that you guys were more

we couldn't we couldn't help you with it i'm sorry well can you just thank thanks

can you want to just come down to petaluma and just make a statement please or should i call

maybe call the embassy well are they open yeah they should be open what's their number

it's a 202 number i don't have it right handy right now oh in dc yeah you better they better

be open i'm going to call back all right yeah yeah just call yeah i call you back and then

And I'll need a statement.

You can call me back, too.

Okay, thank you.

Okay, this is for the Petaluma White People Association.

And we were just wondering...

Yeah, yeah, no problem.

Thank you.

Okay.

All right, motherfucker.

Max was making a T-bone steak.

That's good, man.

Good protein.

There you go.

You need to get some organ meat with that.

You know what I had, guys?

I had liver and onions for the first time last Friday.

Went out with the wife machine and been wanting to get liver and onions.

Had it.

First confusion is, you know, I'm from Florida.

I just moved up here to PA in the last five years.

i'm from the south and when you tell me liver i'm thinking chicken liver because i'm used to

seeing you know chicken liver and gizzards at the old truck truck stops and gas stations down there

they're good as fuck they're fried i thought it was something like that but the lady the the

waitress is like how do you want those cooked and yes i was gonna say heat at first but i actually

know i did say heat and she didn't hear it but my wife heard it and kicked me under the table

well because she knows she knows how i am and how you guys are anyway so i was like oh yeah you know

uh well done i guess and she's like are you sure well done because it'll be very tough like whatever

you everyone usually gets so it comes out and it was like a big piece it was like a piece of steak

almost so it's beef it was a beef liver and i wasn't expecting that i was speaking i was

expecting small pieces of chicken liver and onions and i got a big like a it was like a big

steak sized uh piece of um organ organ meat and it was it was good though it was good it was good

but i and then i started doing research into organ meat also known as awful

oh foul i don't know uh very good for you very new the most nutrient dense stuff you can get

uh very good for you satiates you if you're looking if you're doing a high protein diet

or a keto diet uh you know i'm trying to restart i'm trying to get motivated i lost 80 pounds

a year and a half ago and it took me like six seven months to be honest i probably lost it too

fast uh i've been trying to get motivated ever since to to lose i wanted i wanted to lose another

40 in the meantime i've gained another 25 because i've just been off the rails just uh really busy

with stuff um i'll get there i'll get there i'm i'm right i'm i'm circling the airport i'm getting

back on my grind going back to the gym the most important thing for me was just to wake up at 4 30

every morning you know what i mean uh yeah that's the start of it anyway this is not diet show this

is marijuana show get the fuck out of here amika picky avicii died avicii for real on 420 give me

a confirmation of that avicii dead dj dead at 28 holy shit of dj vici very talented person let's

head over to our uh news affiliate cnn see if they can get a we can write a report about that

But, no.

Yeah, apparently, the loss of Ting Bergling, also known as Avicii, a statement CNN has read.

He was found dead in Oman this afternoon, local time, April 20th.

Family's devastated, of course, understandably so, right, guys?

That's pretty sad.

It's pretty sad.

I do like that type of music, you know?

It's not as popular as it was maybe two, three years ago, but EDM is fun.

on i like the reason i started liking edm music a lot i don't play it a lot in this show uh because

i don't think the general populace of that listens to the show especially live would appreciate it

that's fine i started through studying i'd like to have music in the background that had a good

beat to it but didn't have lyrics because i would either find myself paying attention to lyrics and

not paying attention to what i was studying or vice versa and uh i used to do it with jazz but

but I wanted something more intense, and then, yeah.

And that's how I got into Vici and another EDM music, yeah.

But it's more of a background thing.

I like it when I'm working, when I'm sitting at my desk working,

or if I'm actually, like, installing stuff at work.

I like to have it going on my Bluetooth headphones.

Keeps me going.

All right.

Well, rest in peace, Vici.

Yeah.

All right, so the guy at the consulate in L.A.

said that the D.C. should be open,

so let me go back to that page and try that.

And I want to try the Chinese one again, because that shit was funny.

The Chinese can't say fuck you. All right, I shouldn't Federation and Bahadur in

United States United. Oh, they're open. Yeah totes even has their hours right here

That's a 202 not a 212 monkey. Once it would have been New York. Oh wait, we're not I was doing German

Anyway, well too late now

Yeah, hello sister Russian Embassy, yes, okay

What's your guys's problem? What is your problem? No your problem. We don't have a problem. You have a problem

you're looking for a problem yeah this is the first one i called where they're all like oh

fuck you anyway anyway german german is what i was looking for man i'm high music please i need

my music oh no why oh why you do that next album man i was really mean to that chinese guy and that

russian chick fuck them seriously i'm just i'm over it with these countries man they all need

their asses kicked and they hung right up they know me they oh i could do the old switcheroo

the caller id but that means they're probably just gonna hang up when they hear me talking maybe

how about we just end it there with the consulates and stuff we've already done enough damage to the

world god god help us is there a vatican embassy closing soon how dare they close god never closes

god would never he would always leave the door hi this is the v uh the the the vatican embassy

yes okay um we i need i need some assistance please what is it about oh i'm the i'm with the

united states embassy okay and uh i'm gonna kick this russian embassy guy's ass you know i'm gonna

really the russians are really pissing us off and we're gonna kick their asses and they my boss told

me to get a hold of the vatican embassy to intercede to see if you guys can maybe help out

out and get us you get like a summit going because i'm gonna kick i'm gonna kick their

fucking ass man they're really sorry we are not not involved in these uh in these politics but

you are god you're you're the representation of god no we are the representation of the pope

okay well pope the pope is is god though the pope the pope represents god on earth

okay so by default then we need your help because i'm gonna kick this russian guy's ass man

His name is Leon.

Okay, I'm not going to be involved in that.

You guys got to help.

Wish you good luck.

Can you guys pray for us?

Can you pray for us, my side, so that we kill them really good?

Okay.

You know, so that we're going to nuke them really good.

Thank you so much and good luck.

So that they don't nuke us back.

We want a successful first strike.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Good afternoon.

Women aren't supposed to be priests.

What are you doing there?

Can I transfer to the voicemail?

You can leave all the messages you want.

I'll speak to a man is what I'll do.

Okay, I'll transfer to the voicemail.

No voicemail, you monkey.

I said no voicemail.

Fucking asshole.

We'll start a nuclear war.

Don't get me started, man.

What other country could we ask for help?

Who understands the Soviets?

Who has been this cool with us, too?

I looked up Switzerland, but the Swiss embassy is closed.

Of course, cowardly Swedes would be closed.

Right, guys?

Fucking guys.

Poland, says Big Danica.

Poland Embassy.

Closes soon.

All right, hurry, hurry, hurry.

We got time, we got time.

We're less than an hour away from the big 420 machine.

You know what I'm saying?

I got a timer set up on Echo.

You guys are going to love it.

I got special music for marijuana.

You can just hear the music and you'll get high.

Welcome to the Embassy of the Republic of Poland in Washington, D.C.

Witamy w ambasadzie Rzeczypospolitej Polskiej w Waszyngtonie.

To continue in English...

If you have a rotary phone, dial zero.

...w języku polskim, proszę wybrać dwa.

Because they're Polish.

you get it you might die all day welcome to the embassy of the republic of the armenians would be

good they they pretty much a little soviet hey go fuck yourself we're tired of your shit we

actually like america they got good movies they were the first ones to do it poland too well i

know there was a big thing with poland back and forth india hell knows dirty no don't get me

started they're looking to get their asses kicked too they're starting to piss me off that modi

he's looking to get his ass kicked fucking chinese though man go china no one hates

hates chinese like the indians do though except vietnamese don't like them either i did lie

thank you thank you thank you i have your list here i have put it on the big board god damn it

lazy ass fucking polish military motherfucker fucking on a horse with the germans blitzkriegen

through on the panzer tanks thinking they can do something against them am i right

to reach our counselor section please press one at least they put up a fight looking at you france

All right, I'm done with the polls.

They're fucking useless as always.

Let's call France.

We can count on them for a favor.

They owe us a favor.

We stopped that terrorist attack on that train.

Welcome to the Embassy of France in Washington, D.C.

Si vous préférez le français, appuyez sur un.

If you prefer American English, press two.

Oui.

For Campus France, press one.

No.

For the Consulate General, including the visa section, press two.

For the visa section, press one.

For the Vital Statistics Office, press 2.

Oh, my God.

For the Consul General of France, press 3.

You are not allowed to call this number.

For the Visa Section, press 1.

For questions regarding visas, please...

Give me somebody.

Oh, my God!

That's probably just making me...

You cannot talk to anybody.

You see how the French are, man?

Si vous préférez le français, appuyez sur 1.

If you prefer American English, press 2.

Sure.

Hello?

Attention!

Service de presse?

Yes.

Attention.

What do you mean?

Attention.

I'm calling.

This is the United States calling.

This is what?

This is the United States calling, and we need a favor.

You guys owe us a favor for that.

What do you mean by United States calling?

Well, I'm from the United States.

I'm with the United States machine.

So?

Well, you guys owe us a favor for that train thing.

You know what I mean?

What do you mean?

Well, we...

Okay, look.

We're going to kick Russia's ass here any day now.

We're going to beat the shit out of them.

Are you guys down?

Do you guys want to get in on this or what?

Hello?

Attention.

Okay, she didn't like me saying attention.

What do you mean?

What do you mean you're from the United States?

Good evening, I'm from the United States of Washington.

Welcome to the campus.

Press 1 for the cost of general, including the visa section.

For the visa section, press 1.

For questions regarding visas, please go online.

Yeah, I know.

You don't want to talk to anybody.

Zero.

Nunu, get numbers, please.

Get some good numbers.

Start a war, man.

Before 420.

My goal for today is to start a thermonuclear war.

Welcome to the embassy of...

For Campus France, press 1.

For the Consulate General, including the visa section, press 2.

For the Press and Communication Office, press 3.

For the region...

Attention.

Oui.

Okay.

This is the United States calling, and we need a favor, please.

Yeah.

Okay.

We're going to kick Russia's ass.

and are you guys down to help out?

Are you with us or against us this time?

I don't have my opinion to say.

Well, last time you guys were like,

we want to sell them weapons too.

We want to sell them nuclear reactors.

That's Mexican.

Okay.

They're all the same to me.

They all look the same.

Call the Philippines for what?

For what?

Those dirty...

See if the Brits have anything to say about this.

Emergencies, press 1.

Mass advice, press 2.

Miriam!

You are being transferred to consulate emergencies.

You are to the British consulate.

How can I help you?

Yeah, hey, this is the United States calling.

We're calling in a favor.

We are.

Well, how can I help you, sir?

You reach an emergency line.

Yeah, well, we're calling in a favor.

We're going to kick Russia's ass over here.

They're talking a lot of shit.

All right, that's enough.

All right.

When they hear shit and ass, they're like, oh, no, I cannot.

Yeah, dude, I don't know about old man, you know, Avicii dying an old man.

Why wouldn't they want to kick some ass with us, you know what I mean?

Like they poisoned that dude.

All right, Nunu sent in numbers.

Thank God.

Hello, good evening, Badger Tundra.

May I help you?

Yeah, hi.

I wanted to make an order.

Yeah, for pickup or delivery, sir?

For pickup, please, for takeaway.

Yeah, yeah.

What would you like, please?

Okay, let's see.

Do you have Papa Dams?

Yes, we do.

Like one order of Papa Dams?

How many?

One or two?

they come singly one section so

just i need a

completion one completion yeah but when you say completion they come singly so how many of you

how many people is there well i can have more do you how do you do you sell it by the portion

no no we don't need this doesn't come by portion they come singly so you can have one you can have

have two you can have three you can have four five yeah six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve

thirty forty yeah two two of them please yeah two of them yes please yeah one blue rice

yes please okay and then uh my cousin my cousin went to india he went he he wrote something down

down here hang on to order for him yeah this is ban cha ban chad behan chad i don't know do you

don't have ban chad no no no we don't okay all right um all right so can i get one pillow rice

with extra cockroaches yes i can yeah extra cockroaches and will your sister be there to

give it to me and have her your mom your mom's gonna no no your mother chad you bring sister

to confront me and i'll show her how to fuck yeah that reminds me this this prank call that i'll

play here now uh if i can find it actually occurred on 420 in 2018 dude 10 years ago today

i did a very similar call to that and yeah i remember that was the 420 show it was the first

prank i did right after 420 hit which is going to be coming up let's see what did i call that

this was extra cockroach it was stupid american or something new do you remember there was that

first play cockroaches get to see madhouse uh let's see i don't think it's cockroaches

the guy's like you stupid american american bastard i think this is it we'll start we'll

restart the song in a second here let's listen to this it's about to be 10 years exactly this

prank call was performed in about an hour hello you hear the song i'm playing hello excuse me

while i kiss the sky real quick a second it's me hitting the joint i remember i said can you

Excuse me while I kiss the sky for a second.

Sir?

Yes, I'd like to make an order, please.

Is this...

Which counter, Clank?

Is this out below?

Okay, yes, I'm going to...

...pick it up in my hand machine.

I'm going to come in my hand machine and pick it up.

Hand machine?

Yes, yes.

Okay, good.

The order, please.

Yes, I'd like...

What?

I'm American.

The starter, what?

What do you mean?

What is that?

It means any starters.

Only starter I know goes in the car, and I got to rental.

I need to order a palau rice or...

Just main meal then, yes.

Pee-loo, pee-loo, pee-loo.

So, what was it?

The rice.

This is like, this, you know, I'm American, and I only speak American.

And some of this, because I know you guys put the U in color.

I guess this is pila.

Which main dish would you like to order?

The pila rice.

The rice.

What is pupa da ams?

Pupa da ams.

Poop papa tuna.

What's a portion?

No, no, no, I want the whole thing, not a portion.

No, what I meant to say, how many papatums would you like to order?

If you're ordering one portion, that's two papatums, that's in one portion.

Well, I don't want a portion of it. I want the whole order.

No, no. No, you're missing me there. You have all the domes.

Yeah, that, that, yeah, exactly. Papa domes for the, yeah, two, two of us, papa domes.

If you want two portions, that's four. One portion, then it's two domes.

A portion is, is a part.

But I'm asking, I want the whole thing. I don't just want a portion. I want the whole order.

Seems to be, there seems to be a big confusion with the portions.

Okay.

To order?

Yes, I'm ordering pillow, pillow.

To the yellow right.

It said, look, I really only, my first language is American.

I'm from America.

Okay.

And not this English stuff.

And this one here says P-I-L-A-U.

So I know the U.

So it's pronounced as pilau.

It's pilau.

Is that not one?

Papadums?

Papadums, yeah.

And there's two of us.

Now, he said a portion.

I'm explaining I want the whole thing, not just a portion of it.

No, the whole thing is one portion.

You got two pieces and the chutney.

Okay, but what I'm saying, I don't want a portion of the order.

I want the whole order, you know, I want the whole thing, not just a part of it, not a portion.

I want a completion of it.

Yeah, yeah, you know, like, that is a whole bit.

I want two completions.

Yeah, okay, two completions, yeah.

Okay, great.

Two of them, yeah.

Two completions.

Papadum.

Papadum, yeah.

Okay.

What curries would you like?

I'm sorry?

Like.

I see the chicken curry with extra cockroaches.

Pardon?

With extra cockroaches, please.

Where are you calling from?

From the United States of America.

Do you have any palmetto beetles?

We call them cockroaches.

Come here and say that.

Well, I'm making an order.

It's a free country, sir.

This is America.

I make an order where I want.

I feel like I want it.

No, I want it.

Now, shut your mouth.

Sir, I'm American.

Watch your mouth.

Shut the fuck up, you bastard.

Excuse me, this is...

American bastard.

How dare you, sir?

Shut up.

After what we've done for you.

You wake up in the morning.

You thank God for us.

Madhouse Radio is live Thursday night.

No, no, no, no.

No, it's not.

Get out of here with that.

Get out of here with that 10-year-old shit.

Fucking 90s.

Colorado's governor reported saying he won't rule out banning pot again.

There's a report that Donald Trump lied about his wealth to make it on the Forbes 400 list before the election.

Oh, boy.

Former pro athletes talk about playing while high.

Why not?

Let's play that while I wait for Nunu.

I'm John Moffat.

This is Matt Barnes.

Hi, I'm Sean Smith.

Oh, I knew Matt Barnes was a pothead.

hell yeah i hope he smoked weed when he played for orlando fucking ricky williams too well everyone

knows ricky williams played high jesus christ he got kicked out of nfl for doing it went to rehab

came back and i think the first game after he smoked weed again like all right you're done

actually no he for take he quit on purpose like he was a really good player prime of his

uh fucking uh career and just said fuck i want to do this weed thing i'm evan britain this is

to Catino Mobley. I'm Ryan Clurdy.

I'm Bo Skate. It's 420. And I use

cannabis. And I use cannabis.

I support cannabis in sports. I support

cannabis. I support cannabis

in sports. I believe in

cannabis as a powerful tool for...

You're not talking about it. You're just promoing.

I don't give a shit.

Get out of here.

Catino Mobley, though.

Nice! Of course those

NBA people play the

smoke the marijuana. Look at them.

They used to call them NBA cigarettes

it's back in the day

of my granddad

see what's up

with the swap shop

gentlemen and lady

my nip

oh I had the

Indian newspaper here

I didn't call any

of the numbers

oh my god

we got a

milk chihuahua

to rehome

nice

eat that chihuahua

motherfucker

real quick

while I get that ready

everyone listening out there

in radio

of the internet land

I'm searching for

two bits of audio

if you can help me

find them

if you can send me

an email

to madhouseradio

at gml.com

and put audio search in the subject line specifically i'm looking for the audio of

a young dwight mcclanahan saying this telling the story of how he went to a walmart with a

oscar meyer coupon for bologna and he picked up bar s bologna and then acted dumb and made a big

deal about it and they let him take the the bar s bologna with the oscar meyer coupon and ended

that are being free or really cheap.

I know that motherfucker said that.

He denies it.

He keeps pushing it in my face saying,

show me the audio.

So you know what?

We'll find it.

If you guys know,

the other audio that I'm looking for

is a prank call that happened.

Yep, that one prank call.

If you find it, let me know.

No, seriously, I just forgot.

Oh, God.

The fuck was it?

Sorry, but the person you called has a voicemail box.

The fuck? I was just thinking about it.

Oh, well.

Lost it up there in THC land,

a.k.a. my brain pan.

Maybe the caller ID got in the way of that.

Just a moment, please.

One moment, please.

Yeah, I forgot the one.

Noonu wants the cockroach lady.

Okay.

I thought I tried to call them earlier and they had changed their number.

It didn't go through.

I'll try it again.

I tried them at the beginning of the show, Nooners.

Welcome to your new mailbox.

All right.

The, that, no.

I could change that person's voicemail.

That's very bad of them to leave it like that.

Someone's got a metal twin bed frame.

It's about 110 years old.

i'll take what good god how much time left until 4 20 i got it set to go off three minutes before

here so i can prepare my chalice jaw bless go how much time remaining on the timer baby

marijuana smoking labia machine timer that's not loud enough echo volume 10 there we go seriously

110 years old for a fucking bed if a bad friend is 110 what is it made out of sticks

six i was like we don't have much longer how long was echo how much time left in that timer

you have 13 minutes left on the machine timer it's too loud echo volume eight keep it there

you have reached the voice mailbox of bullshit calling again danny working here someone's

selling a truck machine your call cannot be completed get the fuck out of here you

motherfucker you you motherfucker you did you really find don't make me do shit that's not

real that better be you're gonna be a ban from everything you you got a chance right now to say

Say, ha ha, Carlito, I was just joking.

If you know for a fact that that's the date and time of that episode.

I really would be very disappointed if that was a joke.

Don't do it.

Just be honest right now.

If you make me go through archives and start looking and that's not it, I'm going to be

so upset.

I'll be less angry if you just tell me now that it was a joke.

And I'll understand because I'm a pranker.

You sent it on Facebook a while ago.

I'm sorry.

All right, we'll see.

Funny joke if you're being laughy ha ha, but I will be upset.

set i just forgave legend for spoiling star wars uh the last jedi the morning of the movie because

i'm always really big on spoilers and shit did we play us in them already oh fuck it we'll listen

to it again um i'm a big star wars fan you know and i always do the spoilers because i'm kind of

retarded and i'll sit there in the movie theater like what's going on so at least i know what's

going on uh ahead of time and uh the last jedi was on purpose for the first time in my life

other than when i was you know five years old and there was no internet i didn't spoil myself

and this motherfucker sent me uh he's like oh check out this tweet i check out the tweet and

and someone said uh all right spoiler alert everybody someone said uh luke dies and uh

kylo kills snoke i was like you motherfucker i am literally four hours away from heading out to the

movie theater to watch this movie opening night and you just fucking spoil it you son of a bitch

I didn't I didn't forgive him and that took like what month is it now April machine. It was like five months

So there you go. Yeah, who cares right fuck Star Wars and fuck Star Trek and fuck anyone who likes it

It's star dorks fucking turn the Lord of the Rings right here man. Return of the King. That's the trilogy

What a tasteless prank a Mixler user who just said that happened to you, too

Yeah, you got a Chevy 454 go run more company. Oh

Hello

lauren hello he sounds too hispanics your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging

system oh good lord yo bitch yo cracker bitch you whiter than my wife my wife's mediterranean

she ain't white caught dead with a white woman speaking of which i've been saving this here for

the show i was gifted on my birthday by my in-laws one of these dna kits and i'm scared

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice message.

I've been sitting here for 10 months.

I figured I'd do it on the air.

The other thing is I can't eat or drink 15 minutes before I do the test to send it in.

Who can do that, really?

What am I, an athlete or something?

You know what I mean?

15 minutes without drinking or eating.

Get out of here.

So, not today, not today.

Because I don't want the marijuana to come up in the DNA test.

But next show I do, I will spit in the tube and I'll send it out.

Or just whatever.

I'll do that tomorrow.

tomorrow i'm gonna do that and then i'm gonna i'll try to open the results live on the air to

see what my dna i i i expect african i expect italian i know my dad's my dad's uh like a he's a

whatever's more than a quarter he's an eighth italian so i'm i'm gonna be like at least a

16th italian mediterranean um i imagine there'll be some african in there uh since i'm puerto rican

there'll be african in there and they're probably just based on my a bit of my red skin tone and my

mom who looked very native there's probably taino indian for sure my mom and my mom's family

we're from the the hills in puerto rico like in the mountains and that's where they all the

taino indians just they disappear they say they didn't all die out at once the ones that didn't

die out in the wars and the sicknesses just fled into the mountains and interbred so i'm sure

there'll be some native in there and i will get some european from spain uh based on my mom's

side too i don't know it'll be quite interesting watch some shit like chinese come out or something

you know or gay and then all then and what's this all been about you got someone with free wood uh

how much we got some time left here i think let's see let's see i'm starting to feel it guys i've

been saying i and hey here's a we're almost coming up on 420 now uh i want to say thanks god job

God bless for the ruling here in the United States.

In Pennsylvania, I've got medical marijuana now.

It's not such a hassle.

It's very expensive, but the prices and availability are getting better.

They just approved flour last week.

We're going to get flour sales.

We're just on oils and concentrates.

So flour by this summer.

The growers were ready to go.

They were just waiting for the word to get told.

So that's going to be in a few months.

We'll be able to get flour.

But I've been saving some flour here.

for today i've been holding on to it since the holidays some nice christmas bud i believe it's

katsu bubba kush so i'm going to be filling up the pipe here we got about 15 20 minutes

of uh some marijuana smoking music and then i'll do some more pranks i'll try to see if i can get

through to uh central standard time 420 and then maybe we'll have some guests on me uh some

marijuana related guests we'll have uh matt hillock of course he's our chief medical marijuana

i want a correspondent we'll put him on maybe if he's out there anyone else y'all can call me on

skype at that time anyway so we're getting ready we're super excited i was kind of let down uh

backspin 43 by favorite channel on sirius satellite radio the back the old school hip-hop station

um every year for 420 they have really good music except for this year they switched over

another called rock the bells radio by ll cool j which the truth is all they did is they changed

their algorithm for the programming for the songs because it was getting super repetitive

and it's really good right now and they just slapped they paid ll cool j like fifty thousand

dollars and slapped his they got cut a few promos and talking in there and they call it rock the

bells just to make it big or whatever that's that's all he really doesn't have he might have

been involved in picking some of the music anyway but because of that change they're not they didn't

24 20 shit to this year they used to have cheech and chong bits playing in between some really cool

old school obscure weed songs um anyway sorry guys wood wood wood wood in about three minutes

i don't know steven espel you want to call and you know you're associated with lunch lady and

i have respect for lunch lady funny guy but um he's been very mean and nasty to me and i just

for for your safety and mine and his quite honestly maybe we should just let's some more

time go i don't have anything against dude but he obviously has a problem with me you know he says

mean nasty things about me i wish you nothing but the best and i hope everybody's your call i hope

you guys continue to have a successful amateur prank career and a good show and you know success

and all that i hope you get to be as big as brad carter one day but you know i don't want any

drama it's a drama free friday all right god bless you i'm not saying you steve i'm saying

saying lunch lady nasty mean nasty not you you're fine i just don't like you probably got that dog

in the background making noise like you always do too maybe we can convince jaya to start doing

shows again and you healed and then we'll talk it'll be cool i don't even know what's for sale

here two things i don't know i'm gonna make this quick you got a 1920 illinois 12s pocket watch

with a grade 405 movement and an open face cold filled case and a newly installed crystal because

that's my dad's apartment so i can have him call you back is that okay is it from sears i don't

know okay do you have the labia there still i have no idea something that you'll have to talk

to him about do you even do you do you know about the labia or what the labia is no uh um all right

well i mean some people some people they call it just pussy lips now you know big pussy lips

piss flaps also is another one that people say uh she didn't hit the peering she didn't hear the

peeing she didn't hit the peeing time is left i want to smoke real weed outside table and chairs

30 dollar pressure washer 40 dollar chainsaw 35 oboe yeah i think adult chicks in the south don't

know they don't get taught that are you crazy they don't even know what sex is in school i mean they

don't get taught the technical stuff the voice mailbox of nothing your marijuana smoking labia

machine timer is done i guess i gotta get ready all right everybody well if you're going to smoke

Smoke a Miffy Ghanem, I guess, is the thing to say.

I'm so cool.

I'm going to take that break now.

Like I said, about 14 minutes or so.

We're all going to have fun.

Everyone, enjoy yourselves.

Pay attention very closely to the way you do things.

Don't burn yourself.

If you're using a butane lighter of some sort, be safe.

Be careful.

You should be using clean butane.

I'll be right back.

Brothers and sisters, we're going to have a church tonight.

And tonight, this speaker is Robin Rufus Johnson.

Asshole people, how are we today?

Don't answer, I don't care.

Let's turn this music down, eh?

Eh?

All my Ottawins listening tonight?

Today?

Tonight?

Today?

Tonight?

Alright.

I hope you're sufficiently medicated.

Let's do things.

If I am to do a longer show tonight, today,

God damn it.

I'm going to have to actually induce, inject a break at the top of the hour.

No way around it.

It'll be prank calls, though.

It won't be music.

Yay!

So you guys tell me what you want.

You want me to keep doing another couple hours?

I'll do it.

If you don't, I'll go.

Yeah, yeah.

To speak to a salad member?

How can I help you?

Yeah, we need some ashtrays up here.

We don't have ashtrays.

This is a smoke-free property.

Well, no wonder.

I mean, what are we supposed to use?

This is a smoke-free property.

This is a tobacco-free property.

I made that specifically clear when I booked my property.

No, smoke-free, regardless of any time.

It's 420 on 420.

We're smoking weed, and we're watching bowling.

What's your room number?

Okay, now, wait a minute.

Am I in some kind of trouble?

We disabled the fire alarm.

Yeah, you're definitely going to be in trouble for that.

Well, there's no—what fire hazard?

From what?

We're not—oh, I guess we are.

You cannot tamper with fire alarms.

I guess we are burning stuff.

Do you have matches down there?

What is your room number?

What kind of trouble?

We've got to work something out.

I'll tell you the room number, but you've got to work some kind of amnesty here then.

Woody, I don't understand.

You're not supposed to be smoking in the hotel.

Well, the fat's in the fire, so to say.

It's too late now.

I didn't know.

They told me tobacco-free, so I'm like, it's weed.

What am I going to do about it?

No one could have told you tobacco-free.

It's smoke-free.

Then why did you have rolling papers in here in this book?

Bible guys get it the Bible like they do in prison Lord Jesus here's a very

expensive hotel in Manhattan let's see how they react they're probably like

dudes I do say so you may be some British fag no offense fans I

love gay people. I love them a lot.

Thank you for calling the Conrad New York Hotel, located in lower Manhattan's vibrant

Battery Park City. Now everybody knows. Look online or find more information at conradnewyork.com.

For reservations, press 1.

For sales and events, press 2.

For Atrio reservations, press 3.

For human resources and job opportunities, press 4.

For further assistance, please remain on the line.

Yeah, guys, never, never go to reservations if you can avoid it.

Okay, lady, shut up for a minute.

Never go to reservations if you can avoid it.

Usually go to a national center or people who are really assholes.

You want the front desk.

Hello?

Yeah, hey, where are the ashtrays in the room?

There's no ashtrays in the room, so there's a non-smoking facility.

All right, I made sure that it was a tobacco-free facility.

I asked, and that's what she said.

She didn't say anything about smoking, and we're just smoking marijuana here.

It's 420 on 420, you know?

It's 420.

What's your room number, sir?

Am I in some kind of trouble?

What is your room number, sir?

Am I in some kind of trouble?

Have a good day.

I'll call again, but we have to wait to get...

There's no option.

I'll try zero.

Let's see what happens.

It'll probably make me start from the beginning.

I'll transfer you now.

Oh!

Great!

Calling Conrad, sir.

Are you the guy I was just talking to that hung up on me?

Okay.

We need some ashtrays here in the room.

It's 420.

We're smoking marijuana.

What room number would you like me to send that to?

Well, he was saying something that we're not supposed to be smoking marijuana in here,

and I made specific when I asked when I was booking,

and they confirmed through Expedia that it was tobacco-free.

They didn't say anything about marijuana, so it's $4.20.

Do you know what that means?

I do not, but what room number would that be?

Shut up.

It's a marijuana-smoking holiday.

Like, the kids...

Shut up.

Don't say, shut up, Carlos.

Stupid.

stupid i want people on the show with me come on we'll wait till after the break though

let me just call matt let me just be rude and call people

i could try to call dwight but who wants to hear dwight during the day right

You know what I mean?

That's like eating steak or eating a Caesar salad for breakfast.

Who the fuck wants to do that, right?

What's his name on here?

Poop?

P-0-0?

Feces for the win.

And then he can handle adding more people in.

He's good at that.

He's very good at that.

Very talented at things like that.

You have to check with Matt.

You can't just hit the button because he's got his phone registered on there.

You have to call Skype.

When you call Skype from Skype, you've got to actually hit call Skype

because you also get the option to call his phone number which if anyone's interested i'm kidding

i'm not going to give that out we'll see if he joins he's usually good to talk during the day

i called him a random yesterday from a sushi restaurant in the middle of the day and we had

a nice chat while i was waiting for my sushi it was great it was a good sushi too i'm not gonna

they got all you can eat sushi for 29.95 right calling gansevoort and then they give you a pad

that you make your selections and it has the price of the sushi and sashimi right there for

with our sales and marketing or catering and events teams please press so i find myself

eating in our contest until i hit the 29.95 with our concierge team please you know i don't think

i would eat that much sushi if i'm not trying to get my money out of it i think next time i'm just

going to eat all i can really eat because i left with a very hurt belly and then i had to go watch

ready player one i was so busy with work and personal stuff i read that client five times

Tonya speaking, Mrs. Ju.

Yeah, I need...

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I need ashtrays here.

We're smoking weed.

It's 420.

Woo, faggot, yeah.

And we can't find any ashtrays.

We found these glasses here.

Where are you?

We were putting the ashes in the trash can, and there was like a little smoke.

What room are you in?

There was some smoke that was coming out, but we disabled the fire alarm.

Don't worry about it.

What room are you in?

And I'm in some kind of trouble.

I'm sorry.

What room are you in, sir?

I'd have to...

I mean, I don't have...

I don't know.

like the key doesn't say i can't send up ashtrays if i don't know what room you're in do you have

ashtrays though yes okay all right uh because i don't want any trouble you know what i mean

we're smoking if you're smoking in the room it's five hundred dollars no i can't pay that that's

not the deal i called and she told me that it was tobacco free it is i called is that correct that

this is tobacco how can i send you ashtrays uh you send someone with ashtrays or i go pick them up

I'll go pick him up, but I want to confirm. I want to talk about something else now

I want to confirm. Can I put you on hold? Fuck you. Excuse me? Nothing. Go ahead. Yeah, fuck you. Excuse me? Fucking asshole, bitch, labia

Piss me off. Listen to the things I'm saying and react to them in a funny way. That is what the people want

That is what I want. Are you not entertained? Hi, Matt Hillock. Hey buddy. Can you hear me? Report, say things

Hey, thanks for holding. Paz speaking. How can I assist you? Hey, how you doing Paz? Yeah, good. How are you?

I need ashtrays. What's going on? Why aren't there ashtrays in the room?

Yeah, I'm happy to bring you an ashtray. Which one are you in?

Am I in some kind of trouble for asking for an ashtray?

I mean, we do have a non-smoking policy.

Okay, now listen, asshole, because I asked the person and they said that it was tobacco-free.

They didn't say anything about no smoking.

And we're smoking marijuana, so we can't just be...

It's 420. You know what 420 is? What it means?

Yeah, 420. Today is 420.

Yeah, it's a marijuana day.

It is.

Yeah, it's a popular day for people who smoke marijuana.

Yeah, I'm fully aware of that.

Okay.

Can you get the fucking ashtrays up here, then?

Of course.

What is your room number?

Well, I'm going to want to pay this $500 fee, motherfucker, you know?

Yeah, that's fine.

I can waive it for you.

Okay, all right.

What do I need to do for that?

Nothing.

213.

213, hurry up, because there's smoke coming.

There's a lot of smoke in here right now.

213.

I don't have a 213 for a guest room.

Oh, shit.

Maybe I have the wrong fucking hotel, you know?

Maybe you do.

Is your phone number ending at 2887?

Fucking shit.

Yeah, it is, motherfucker.

Okay.

Yeah, let me just call the...

Let me just...

No problem.

I have to give you a call back regarding your 420 day.

They don't care.

They don't give a shit.

It's okay.

I know a lot of cops around the area.

So what?

I know cops, too.

I have a medallion number, motherfucker.

Yeah, that's okay.

Me, too.

Okay.

What's your medallion number, motherfucker?

motherfucker look medallion yeah you drive a taxi that's why you have a medallion number yeah i got

a medallion i got five uber cars that work for me too motherfucker i'm a big man in this town

and i don't live i live in union city new jersey you know what that means let me see four four two

three nine hey union city i'm from union city motherfucker you don't want to fuck with me

you know what i'm saying i run bull i run bolita you know how bolita is you know what bolita is

No, she gave me on that.

Numbers game?

Uh, no.

You put the bet on the number, the last of the three numbers every day?

I run that shit, motherfucker.

I'm a big man here in Union City.

You don't want to fuck with me.

You're funny, buddy.

I'm Cuban.

Yes, thank you.

Motherfucker.

What cops do you know?

Don't worry about it.

All right, don't start shit.

I'm going to come down there for the mass trades, you understand?

I'm going to throw my frisbees.

No, just give me your room number.

I'm going to throw one like a frisbee into your dick, all right?

I hope it's those heavy green glass ones.

No, it's white.

Fuck.

They're clear.

Yeah, fuck you, all right?

Are you Chinese?

No, I'm not.

Oh, what are you?

Don't worry about it.

Okay, bye, asshole.

I'm done.

Bye.

He beat me.

He won.

All right, so we were trying to talk to this Matt Hillock guy, and it wasn't working.

Let's first do a test of the echo machine system.

Just a moment, please.

Let's see if this is audible for us.

Foo, foo, foo, foo, if I actually dial it.

Man, I'm in the mood for that liver and onion now.

Oh, it's very low.

Listen, listen.

It's very low, honey baby.

Maybe it's very low.

Let's try that again.

We got to raise that.

Oh, yeah.

Second half of the show.

Second portion.

Completion.

Second completion of the show was going to be Bone, Thugs, and Harmony.

But I think we'll just play the jazz for now.

And there's a break coming up at five since enough people voted yes for the show to continue a couple more hours after five.

So we're going until seven.

I'm going to try.

What I got to do is I got to call the wife and get permission because she gets mad.

She's like, I have a woman.

You know how they are.

Where's the music, guys?

Come on.

Thank you.

All right.

So we were getting to the bottom of why the audio is so low, huh?

First thing to do is raise that speaker machine and call it again.

It's still kind of low, eh?

That's weird.

Let's see here.

Open volume mixer.

So the most important thing to mention is to Matt Hellock is that this is not your fault.

This is my fault that this is happening, okay?

You're not doing anything wrong.

It's all Carlyle tech right now.

And everyone else, thank you for bearing with me while I try to get that audio fixed here

so I can have Matt Hellock and other miscellaneous guests of the different tribes of print callers joining.

Let's go ahead and play that again.

It's still very low.

Like, I usually don't have to be all the way up here.

Please record a message.

Afterwards, your message will be played back to you.

You fucking cunt, you.

Why are you so low, you fucking bitch?

Fucking asshole.

You're so low, you fucking bitch.

Fucking asshole.

All right, it's okay.

If you're a...

All right, let's call poop time and have him ready.

I'm going to rest the eyes anyhow.

Therapy wore me out.

13 minutes on...

Oh, come on.

Come on, Matt.

I did all that for that.

Never mind, everybody.

Matt Hillock doesn't want to join.

I'm just going to take that break now, and I may or may not come back.

I can't make any guarantees because I'm in a really bad mood right now because of that.

Towns Radio will be back right after this.

Maybe.

Want To Get Your Ass Kicked? 4/20/2018

Calls (20, 54 min of 1 h 42 min)

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