It’s Up To Your Ass

It's up to your answer, I know.

I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you something, and I'll take care of your ass, too.

I want to see what kind of balls you have when you come here.

I got big Turkish balls.

I'm in the streets listening to Madhouse Live.

I hope my speech can compete with that bad mouth style that we get from Carlito.

That's my big amigo, so just kick back to listen to this cat call.

People, when this show goes live, I'll be like, yeah, this shit's bitchin'.

Stop whatever I'm doing to tune in and listen.

You can catch me in the back of his home at Horse Machine Ranch Road

I'm busting mad fat flows for assholes and banchos

Must be crazy, shout out to Big Amy, that's nice honey baby

We kissing pussies, so ladies, set your labia

It's crazy how the stuff that my bruh might say to ya

Face it, cause it's the number one prank cast

Stay back if you can't handle all the straight laughs that we hand to your dome

And if you want, call the number, you can listen to this show on the go

Big up to the man in the madhouse

I like the part of the show where the phones ring.

Hello, I hear you got a huge yard sale.

Hello.

You got a yard sale.

Hello.

You got a yard sale.

Hello, sir.

You got a yard sale.

Hello.

Hi.

Hello.

do i have the wrong thing connected yellow yellow yellow that was that was a good yellow though

yellow yellow why was that not working yellow maybe that's just oh we got all kinds of people

popping in the tc here that's nice let me see everyone yellow

Hello.

He's like, that's the way the Spics say hello.

Jello.

Hey, my audio is fucked up.

Oh, no worries, man.

You're a little loud.

A little loud.

Me?

Yeah.

Oh, I was reading the thing.

I'm a little loud.

Hello, can you hear me?

Hello, lady.

God damn it.

Don't tell me the phone machine's broken.

Then what do we do?

Fred.

Talk to you about Gorman Ear Guards.

Guard your ears.

Check that.

Um, this dude really turned on the phone.

a little bit of both uh discord discord yeah okay hello hello it's working it's working on my phone

it's working just fine i can hear myself talking to my cell phone and that lady's crazy she needs

to turn on her hearing she was i think she was doing that new thing where people just act like

they can't hear you so this is for another yard sale let's see if they pick up why don't why don't

why don't you try going to the discord there's a problem with the shortcut okay discord.gg forward

slash pranks that is the discord yeah but i wanted to open it in the thing which where should i go

hello can you hear me hello can you hear me yep yeah hey you got a yard sales you got a yard yeah

oh all right what can you tell me what kind of stuff you got um hello hello who is it my name

cross I'm interested in the yard sales we sold everything out all right but

wait a minute now it's Saturday and on yet man he was very slow like like cold

molasses fourth of July's like like rare Fox beating the shit out the tar baby

baby come on boy who is he don't be so right what at the tone please can't even leave a good

voicemail message he needs to get brad carter to do one of his messages there is outgoing right

he does great job brad carter you can hire him to do your voice call voice message machines

oh yeah he's on fiber he's on fiber i guess oh i should do that he's not i don't know but he'll do

Oh, I should do it, man.

I think he does it for Patreon.

I'll do people's messages.

He should do it.

I'll bring that up Monday.

I'm going to be on his show.

He has an interview-style show, and he's going to be doing it Monday with me at 10 p.m. Eastern, 7 p.m. Pacific.

That's me, Carlito, for like an hour and a half being interviewed by Brad Carter.

I guess I'll be taking your calls.

You can ask me anything, all your rude comments.

uh you can call in and yell phone winners at me you can call me porky pig um all that stuff

all that uh matt you're going to be listening i'm sure you'll call in yes yeah people tell me

turn on my mic okay turn on your mic turn on your mic okay jesus um but the cub scout pack

is sponsoring a benefits yard sale uh in june is this better mike gill uh yes that is thank you

you very much mr man i very much apologize but i sent brad a message uh that will pass it on

youtube you guys should do um youtube streaming radios of your old prank shows well i'm planning

this chat listen i'm planning it i got a i got a new frankenstein computer machine i'm making a

bare bones one and the plan is to put my old uh i'm just gonna my shoutcast stream which you can

check out madhouse live.com it's gonna simulcast on youtube and just show still images of madhouse

you know promo stuff and then have it and have a chat and you can get the super chat cash yeah

super chat cash my only concern is that i have a lot of music in the background and it might get

flagged but whatever we'll give it a shot right then it would probably just be shared then they

would copyright like like clay like they get partial love it but it'd just be neat like it

It's just going on YouTube all the time.

Yeah, well, that's the plan, Matt.

That's the plan.

I'm working on that.

I was actually writing down some stuff today, pricing out some stuff.

That's the plan, man.

Cool.

Because I listen to that lo-fi fucking stream all morning.

Oh, I do all the time.

Yeah.

And I'm like, there should be a prank one like this.

Yeah.

I noticed Armin Van Buren.

I listen to EDM here and there.

And Armin Van Buren has his own now.

He's playing his selected trance music.

I like that kind of music for work.

I've already explained this on a previous show.

Listen, so yeah, Monday night, this coming up Monday, Memorial Day, 10 p.m. Eastern, 7 p.m. Pacific.

Phone losers will be on the show.

Hit up Facebook.

Hit up my Facebook for the links.

MadhouseLive.com will get you there.

I'm real excited about it.

Real excited, man.

Please leave your name.

I'm real excited about not getting calls right now.

Also, let's adjust the caller ID.

Matt, if you could go ahead and do that for me, I'd appreciate that.

Let me check with the dials.

Yeah, please.

Do, do, do, do, do, do.

While we're on that, to do that, I want to remind you all that you can call in to listen to Madhouse Radio 24-7 at any time.

Even right now, you can hear me live.

You can dial area code 605-475-0097.

Once again, that's 605-475-0097, 24-7, 365, Madhouse Radio shows streaming over there on that phone number.

So if you're in an area where you can't get internet service but you're luckily enough to have the phone machine working, whether that be at work or whatever it may be, you can do that.

Call in.

Listen.

You could be listening live right now.

You can also listen on your Amazon Alexa device, and there's instructions over at madhouselife.com.

Really, you need to be at madhouselife.com and chatting at discord.gg forward slash pranks.

Of course, Prankdos also has the IRC chat, which it's really slowed down there.

You know, Discord's the wave of the future, I guess.

There we are.

All right, be sure to check out Calls of Mass Confusion on YouTube,

C-O-M-C on YouTube.

A lot of pranks there.

We got a lot of stuff coming out still.

Super excited about that.

What are you going to be on that, Matt?

Have you been on yet as Dr. Sleepyface?

I was on the Juggalo one with y'all.

That's the only time I was rocking the doctor code, I think.

I was on a little bit with just you and Brad when it was funny.

that was the look at the guys that you got the shoes on your feet or whatever yeah you got feet

on your shoes this guy says to me i was just hanging out with you guys yeah i need to need

to hop on some more that hasn't been released yet it hasn't because i've been waiting for that i

that was so fucking i still say that shit all the time this last weekend oh hey before i forget

think of the mock turtle from alice in real quick i see you've changed the color id thank you but

But real quick, I wanted to let everyone know there was an impromptu short notice New York City meetup last weekend, a week ago today.

And I actually got three cats came out.

I want to thank everyone who came out.

A lot of people said they couldn't come out.

It was just way too short notice.

I found out, you know, like six days before I was going to be in New York City that I was going to be there for the night.

Oh, my man Richie was there.

But it was really cool, and we actually talked about a lot of shit.

I just let them ask me whatever questions they wanted to.

these guys were super it was it was really weird because i don't see myself as you know having a

celebrity or fan status because i ain't it weird it's all online you know and it's it's a but it

was kind of it was kind of real for a moment there and uh i think and then so that was the

consensus that we need to do a meetup in chicago that'd be awesome that'd be that'd be super

awesome yeah it's weird when like like when someone's a fan of you yeah super fucking weird

dude i was like i'm just a normal boring dude man like you know yeah but anyway thanks everyone

showed up and i hope to do another one of that soon with more time so that hopefully more people

can show up and we can get a nice cool area you know to hang out in a west coast san francisco

that would be i'd like to get over on the west coast and up around that area particularly yeah

um that's like that's a trip i want to do but um we gotta do a euro meet again that's where

We're putting all of Party Time's Patreons into just getting me overseas to another Euromeet now.

We're not going to just cash it out and just do whatever with it like we do.

Well, get your head out of my pockets.

I love that.

Yeah.

Let's sit at Malcolm X before they shot him.

I would have to put the police on you.

Please leave your name and number.

Man.

Why isn't nobody coming in to see you at night?

I thought you said there were people in there.

There's people just watching me and nobody's coming on video themselves.

Are we confirmed that Dwight's going on today?

Do you guys know Expo, Dashbeat?

I have no idea.

All right.

Well, I'm presuming.

I have no idea, but...

I'm done by 10.

He's online now.

I know that, but he's away from his computer.

I can assume he is.

Let's call this out.

No, we're not.

Hello?

Hi, I'm calling regarding the Cub Scout pack.

Yes?

I see you're going to be doing a yard sale for the American Legion post.

Yes, we are.

All right.

Hey, what kind of, I mean, are you asking for things to be donated so that we can sell some things?

Is there anything you'd like that you need?

Or you just want cash donations?

Either or.

All right.

I have a lot of, like, videos, like DVDs that I really don't care for anymore

because I can get all the stuff for free on the internets now.

So I thought maybe we could sell them.

I got a lot of them still in the package.

That's true.

yeah i um i do you have like do they have to be pg-13 movies no okay they could be r as long as

they're not x-rated well what's x-rated to you pornography okay all right well i mean it it isn't

pornography but all right so did you ever see the the it's um it's a steven king movie and

And Stephen King movie.

It's a Stephen King movie.

No, not The Stand.

No, it wasn't The Stand.

It was like the mom and the son were two aliens, you know?

And at the beginning, they had sex at the beginning.

The mom and son had sex at the beginning.

Those would be fun.

All right.

What about Porky's?

It's an R-rated movie.

It's about a group of teenagers that are looking at naked women in the shower.

Their breasts are exposed.

exposed and one sixes penis through the hole and then this older uh old the older teacher

his coach late he grabs the penis really hard and pulls on it really hard those are fine as

long as they're rated r those are fine okay all right uh what if i i have a copy of oh god bill

also of what oh god bill what is that it's a pornography movie it was kind of shot with uh

like a shaky camera and there's this woman on top and she's like oh god bill i could play it right

now for you here if you want to hear no that's fine okay all right all right uh now what about

what about books uh we can sell books okay um these are like uh you know those goosebumps

books yes those would be great okay but all right so my son he used to like the goosebumps

books but when he hit puberty he started drawing like pictures of penises and vaginas in them

and he like he would cross out some of the words and put like dirty words in there like it like

there was one like the the it said i want i want to climb a tree and it said he took out climb and

put the f word so it says i want to f the tree you know f-u-c-k he put the whole thing i want

to fuck the tree it's here for bill everybody yeah put your hands together bill hi carlito

Hey, what's going on?

Thanks for having me in.

Hey, thanks for being here.

Thank you for joining.

I'm glad you could make it.

That's Dom the Bomb over at Dom the Bomb Show.

No, what's it called?

Super Phone Losers?

Super Phone Brothers.

Super Phone Losers, dude.

All right, so look, here's what happened.

All right, so I went to New York City, and the day before, I went to the dispensary,

and they had these new THC capsules, and I'm looking at them, and one is just like

extra strength.

I'm like, ah, that's fine.

I'll take it.

so they're like 100 milligrams per capsule i had no idea oh for real yeah oh my god dude let me

tell you something like so this thing kicks in three hours later after i take it about the time

that we arrive at new york city and i'm getting in a yellow cab and i'm freaked the fuck out man

freaking the fuck out like because i vaped and everything on top of that plus i had an edible

uh yeah so there yeah i was really yeah 101 you're used to 10 is a different world that was

a bad trip but after that that's when i met the the dudes you know i met the fans that was really

cool by then i was calmed down but holy shit dude like my first experience in a yellow cab going

through time square and he's like you know cutting people off and yelling and banging his fist on

stuff i'm like so we ubered the rest of the time did he call anyone a banjo like when he was

driving no he didn't he wasn't indian i didn't i think i had some indian uber guys i was afraid

to say the word oh uh there was a i was at um what's that park central park and there was a

group of indian men playing cricket and they were very casually saying banjo and stuff like that

like you know like calling hey you motherfucker come on man you suck you know what i mean it was

like just bro talking and they were like like mexicans playing soccer and shit they call each

other yeah it was just like that but they were playing cricket that's yeah and that's and i

watched them for 30 minutes very high after i ate a hot dog and um i couldn't fix still can't

figure out that fucking game man that fucking cricket motherfucker you know what the fuck

are they doing it's is it baseball is it uh i i don't know i don't know i don't know i just don't

i don't get it they get it i don't get it it's retarded um the people i don't know what's going

on with new york city but like at central park they're super aggressive now i had a black

gentleman who had very long limbs and was looking for donations for a basketball team start making

making fun of my goatee and my shoes and my wife stopped me but i wanted to politely tell him hey

these shoes are orthopedic shoes they look like shit but they're medically prescribed and they

cost more than yeezys so you know like he's dumb fuck like that's some lisa simpson but those are

description shoes was it like that guy that told matt about his under armor shoes

uh and so i get there and i go fucking russian motherfucker which i don't want to hear about

russians he's over there yes you like to because i know they see me and i'm fat and they're like

oh well this fat guy doesn't want to walk through all the central park he's he doesn't know what

he was in for i'll drive him around in the bike and i'm like he's like you want me to go i show

you all the place this is where they film we show you where they film the home alone 2 comedy very

funny movie and then i show you where they killed john lennon jesus christ man like no i'll fucking

walk geez what are you fucking and how do they know that i'm not from new york city yeah yeah

they just know they smell it they smell it you were just walking around black god staring up

well i mean i did have a sun visor on and a fanny pack

No, I did, I did, I did.

I did not.

When I was young, and, uh, and, wait, I was doing, like, I did it just to be funny, like,

so looking up, and, like, god dang, these buildings sure are tall.

I love New York, hell with that.

They say, like, San Francisco's the closest thing to New York in California or whatever.

Bro, let me tell you, the crate, that, it was, it's fun as hell, I had so much fun,

And I've been there before.

But I tell you what, we had a panoramic view of the Queensborough Bridge and Roosevelt Island,

like the little tram going back and forth to Roosevelt Island and shit.

And I swear to God, 3 o'clock in the morning, I'm looking,

and there's still as many cars coming into the city as are going out, and it doesn't stop.

I'm like, how many fucking people need to come in and out?

And this is just one bridge out of, like, 10, I think, that are around all of Manhattan.

It's just insane.

It's mind-boggling.

the amount of fucking people it's just non-stop it doesn't i mean literally sleep yeah i mean it

literally is that yeah the first time i went was right after 9-11 and the population had dropped

down obviously so a lot of people got out now it's starting to pick up again but i remember

seeing it like it looked busy to me and i remember a friend of mine i think zola was like yeah this

is nothing man like you know after 9-11 just died down it was crazier before it is really crazy

they're in too expensive man holy shit expensive anyway hey we're do pranks

here's Lisa Lisa who works for with the Boy Scout the Cub Scout pack and they

got a yard sale coming out for a benefit yeah that's what I was saying hey what

were the little like price things you notice the most the price things I know

like like that were you know that something's just a normal little price

but it was like crazy stupid hot dog was six dollars first of all um no sign posted either

i got into because i've heard the story how like they'll try to get you for 12 bucks after they

make it for you and shit yeah and i when i realized i'd ordered a hot dog and he had already made it

i'm like oh shit he's gonna get me any but no it was six still that's a motherfucker and it wasn't

that good that's about right that's about right six bucks like the little mexican guys with the

carts they fucking make them for you and they ask for like eight bucks oh shit like that mexican

like a hot dog where they put in that water you know watch out um i save the water when i make

hot dogs it's only gonna taste better you know i keep the hot dog water and make more hot dogs

it turns like gelatinous at some point um let's see like a uh a soda like 395 um another thing

is i couldn't buy two liters because of the the nanny laws there they were all one liters i kept

running into you show me by beer or water buddy right i don't know oh here's the one like a dollar

50 or what yeah so this is my fault athena my wife came with me to the to the little meetup

and we were like now we're drunk and still stoned and we're hungry we didn't eat there

so we're like let's get let's get pizza i'm like you know we shouldn't get it here at time square

yeah it's a really bad idea it's like ah fuck it i'll pay for it like all right we get dude uh

A 12-inch pizza, an order of calamari, and two waters came out to $70-something.

Yeah, I was like, we could have totally gone somewhere else.

You could have went and had a $150 steak dinner.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, it was good pizza, but it was small, fucking small.

Small, small, small.

I had really good Chinese food.

Oh, I had legit ramen, like, you know, Japanese-style ramen with the egg in there and the fucking pork belly.

I had a fusion Korean version one at the Chelsea Market, and then I had a Japanese-style one, a regular miso-style one.

It was really good.

Oh, miso.

I ate a lot of food.

We found a diner right up front.

Miso horny?

Miso horny.

We'll kind of get the miso horny.

Yeah, miso horny.

All right, yeah, you want to call it?

Let's call that place.

Love you, Long Town G.I.

i'll call him right now and i'll tell him that i know the name of the question

now we're all now y'all gonna know where i want i tried sending you a picture of the

of the fucking food at my at the party i'm at right now yeah yeah but my i got slow internet

so it's not sending so i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna take off after this call so oh no you're

slow i went over my data it resets tomorrow on the 27th of every month well if you want to keep

Twenty-second of the month.

Dom just got paid.

Hey, if you call, I don't know if you have the number.

If you go to the website, you can get the number, or I can throw it at you.

And you can listen.

If you want to keep listening, all you have to do is call.

See, that's good for your data.

You can save on your data.

Just use your minutes and listen to Madhouse wherever you go.

Trying to help the people out.

It's for the people.

I average about 15 people calling in, so that's pretty good on a daily basis.

It goes up to like a third.

Hey, we're calling Milk and Hops on the F3 side.

How can I help you?

Hey, you guys have ramen, right?

Absolutely.

All right, so I see you have three different types.

You have the regular miso.

Yeah, the regular miso, the spicy miso, the milk and hops, like cheesy ramen.

Yeah.

And then the tonkatsu shoyu.

Do you have miso horny?

I do not.

Miso horny, you get it?

Yeah.

Do you know what that means, like miso horny?

Yes.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you have someone else you can put on the phone that I can talk to, dirty?

I do not, I'm sorry.

Oh, can you close the store?

Close the restaurant?

I sure cannot.

I'm absolutely sorry about that.

Okay, well, it's...

Hey, is your ramen, like, packaged, or do you make it there?

Well, we make it here.

You make the ramen there?

Are you sure?

Well, like, the noodles aren't made here, but, I mean, everything else, like, they

make the broth and everything here.

What kind of noodles are there?

Are you just getting in the regular Kikkoman noodles?

I know that there's two different kinds, like, the alkaline and then, like, the regular,

regular like wavy um noodles that have like egg in it and then our hormones don't have egg in it

i know that much right okay and what kind of shit you put in that shit well it depends on each one

the different things that come in it yeah the egg you put an egg in there yeah it has the the ramen

egg the fuck out of here that's not going anywhere it's a stupid conversation we're calling somewhere

else yeah is this greek diner greek people dirty greek people diner excuse me is this the dirty

I don't know what you're talking about

It's a Greek diner

I don't know what you mean

Who touches the food?

Are they white people?

Greek people?

Mexican?

That's more if somebody else touches

well okay yeah i want to know because if it's like greek man or a woman i want them to wear

gloves you know because i don't want to get their diseases

no this is the place this is the place this is america buddy and this is the place but you try

to be racist no no no racist i'm just trying to be clean you know i want to keep our because

there's different types of parasites in europe than the united states and i don't want to

to cross contaminate hey keep it down over there motherfuckers all of you hello hi yes yes is this

the greek people restaurant yes okay um can the greek people wear like good gloves when they make

my food because i don't want them to touch i'm all uh employees in many restaurants they were

closed this day okay that's good because the green how dirty the greek people are what did you say

You know how dirty the Greek people are?

The Greek people are dirty?

Yeah.

So then you should cook by yourself at home.

No, no, no, I need you to cook it.

I am not at the home.

You're insulting me right now.

Well, I'm Turkish.

I'm Turkish.

You're Turkish, so have a good day.

Malaka.

And one day come over here, I'll buy you coffee.

Yeah, right.

I'll throw it in your face.

I don't want your dirty Greek pustis coffee.

Come over here and throw it in my face.

Yeah, okay, you fucking Malaka.

I want to see what kind of balls you have when you come here.

I got big Turkish balls.

I used them on your mom.

So, come and show me because you're a fucking asshole.

You're a chicken.

You're a piece of shit.

Can I make an order for chicken?

Chicken?

No, don't suck a dick, all right?

Bye.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

And don't call back, all right?

I call back.

Don't call back because I have your number, okay?

You have shit, motherfucker, you.

He's not going to do anything.

I don't think he has anything.

Yeah, Carlito, my shit's like cutting in and out, bro.

So, I'm just going to listen in.

All right, sir.

All right, be careful out there.

Thank you.

All right, you're welcome, you're welcome.

All right, bye, man.

Bye, Courtney.

Hey, later, buddy.

Jesus, I hate you.

Love you, guys.

Bye.

I do, I gotta have the Nick picture for the avatar.

Yo, Mundo, what's up?

I'm hearing myself echo from somewhere.

Oh, too bad.

Oh, okay.

I'll fix it, I'll fix it.

Is that a guy of you?

Yeah, hi, I went to make an order.

No, I can't take your order.

What the fuck are you?

Okay.

You said don't call back. Here I am. I come

front. What are you going to do about it, motherfucker?

How did he not remember

your number?

Exactly.

Alright.

Alright. Here comes

another restaurant.

Unbelievable how time just

flies right before your eyes, but you don't

recognize. Now, who's the real victim?

Can you answer that?

If you got balls, you could marry this guy.

You don't see

what I see.

super pump 250

seems like a weird product

it's for your dick

is it?

yeah

rapid muscle

ampule

lean

mess

thank you for calling

Irish exit

located on

2nd Avenue

2nd Street

we're unable to get your

I really wanted to talk

to the Irish exit

I had a great idea for that

I think you know

where that's going

Put it in my accent.

Oh, shush, shush.

Wake up, you drunk.

When Homer has the leprechaun

and the fucking cat carrier

and he shakes it and says,

wake up, you drunk.

And then he comes up with,

oh, shush, shush, shush.

Just sticks him on the gypsy.

That's so funny.

Was that a Halloween episode?

yeah yeah then they they just make out the gypsy and the fucking leprechaun because the leprechaun

was supposed to kill the gypsy but they ended up getting married okay oh

the leprechaun that told ralphie to burn them all that was different though wasn't it uh yeah but i

think it's the same leprechaun though you think it's in the nomenclature or the just the history

of the show it's the same leprechaun didn't that leprechaun start off trying to drown homer and

shit like trying to kill him and stab him or something that that's the that's the crusty doll

you're thinking of that was switched to evil yeah around him in the dog bowl okay okay i understand

i understand let's get to some more calls i'm just looking at the map but nothing's really

exciting me here's someone who wants a gas hedge trimmer let's see if they pick up

let's we're looking at about an hour and six minutes before dwight mcclanahan in theory

takes over although he hasn't checked in very rudely yeah he's in the call

oh hey dwight mcclanahan

it's here for dwight everybody how you doing buddy i guess you need to announce yourself

when you show up yeah i can't be looking at that computer i'm over here on the right side

Not the left

I have entered the call

I am here

You need like a DJ drop

Dwight

Hello

Hi

Oh fucking asshole

Motherfucker

Oh you're funny

Gotcha

Here she go

You know

Dick

Got you again

You thought you were talking to me

You're dumb

all right animal cage we'll put dwight in there you got anything special planned tonight why are

you just doing a show we should cancel oh yeah good movie night's canceled too just to let you

know um you guys what do you it should be people vote for pirates of the fucking caribbean i'm not

watching i don't support that guy that french seems like you guys animal cage do you have an

animal cage hello yeah you have an animal cage there yeah sure babe okay good uh can it be

be fitted for a human for human use you say it says can be used for almost anything no it can't

be used for human use oh shit um you have a metal pan in there and it can be removed for cleaning

okay all right what have you used it for i raised some baby chicks in it baby little chickens oh

how big are they now do you still have the chickens yeah they're pretty big they're at the

barn oh yeah all right all right yeah i was thinking chickens or maybe a goat i was gonna

gonna put in there you could do it like a pygmy goat you could do it yeah all right cool all right

all right and uh how much shaking can the animal cage take i don't know i i have no idea about

that baby all right well because i want to put like a pygmy goat in there and there's a you know

that hill behind the walmart's in rogersville yeah all right i want to send them down down like

hill hill worthy you know not see where they want to make them hill worthy i'm just going to push

Push him down the hill?

Dude, I believe you're full of crap.

No, I'll do it.

I'm filming it.

I'm a YouTube guy.

I'm a YouTube.

I'm a jackass.

It sounds like it.

No, that's the show.

My show's called I'm a Jackass.

Look me up.

Jackass.

I'm a jackass on YouTube.

Yeah, I throw chickens into propellers on my YouTube all the time.

And then there's a whole series of me chasing a dog with a 2x4 that had a rusty nail in it.

I never caught him.

He was too fast.

i got a fused ankle i like it uh tucker said tell carlito he should bring the bar that we met up at

and mention that he has an order to drill quarry holes in the bathroom stalls

they are uncomfortably close to each other oh my god yeah yeah they are really close to each

other there yeah it was really weird so that they're interspaced man and woman in between

between each other it's a woman man woman man and they're the size of like like a dude they

have these little baby sinks in each of them that are like smaller than a shoebox i kid you not

they're really close quarters and yeah i mean total yeah we should call that place what was

that place called yeah was that one of the people that were there i wonder well he said he said he

should prank the bar we met up yep that's it okay all right i would i would that would be i would

guess so someone named tucker like a nice fella nice nice young man he must be the kid for the

kind chat for the win says clay for calling beer authority this is rochelle speaking yeah hi do you

have uh power outlets inside those bathrooms on the second floor inside the bathrooms i don't

think so all right because i want okay so i should bring a cordless drill then a what a

cordless drill then i can't plug in give me a second okay okay oh this is gonna be nice

oh my god doing some work in the laboratories up on the second floor huh yeah i never understood

how these men of a certain certain kind of oh man there's certain kind of men that uh make these

glory holes in the bathrooms like those like metallic they're like hard metal freaking

dividers and then i don't know how they get holes in there i don't know what they do

they bring in tools and shit ice picks i don't know it seems like a whole project

And they've got to do it quietly between people coming in.

They can't just be sitting there.

When I would install power cables.

Yeah, hi, I'm calling regarding the bathrooms there, the restrooms.

What about them?

Well, are there power outlets in there in any of them?

No, because you're not allowed to have power inside a bathroom because there's water.

Okay, well, I mean, like my bathroom, I have like some, they're grounded.

You know what I mean?

They're RFI, GFI switches, no?

No?

No, we don't have anything like that.

Sorry.

So I should bring in a cordless drill then, right?

A cordless drill?

Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

Because I want to put the holes in.

Because it goes man, woman, man, woman, right?

Up there.

They're real small.

Right.

Yeah, it's perfect for like putting some holes in between, you know?

And when you do that, make sure you ask for the bouncer.

My name is Joey Guns.

I'll kick your ass.

And I'll be born and happy.

I'll kick your ass.

To, you know, show you around.

I'll kick your ass.

Really?

Yeah

Motherfucker you I'll push you down. I'll push you. Oh shit Joey guns man. Watch out Joey guns

All right, but yeah some good Joey guns, I don't know trouble with him

Oh dad when I used to cut firewall

There's a tool of cut metal that we call the nibbler

They were just cut chunks them when we had to cut the sheet metal out to do the firewall and the CEOs

Okay around power cable and it's called a nibbler is we're never

Yeah, nibbler a nibbler

Thing from with this work am I guess are you telling me that this would work for this application?

and you'd still have to drill a pilot hole first i believe you see i mean what do they do like

these gay homosexual men do they come in with like a whole bunch of toys and hard hats well

if you just had a hi i see that you have some hay a whole sock yes okay what can you tell me

is it good hay yes it's uh hold on a minute um andy it's a mixed hay ain't it but it's

there's a little bit of weeds and a few bales but it's oh that's good little briars all right

But it's good hay.

You got square bales?

Yes.

I want to make like a little hay fort.

Do you have enough?

Like how many bales you got?

70.

Perfect.

I could make a big house out of that, right?

Yeah.

So we have a horse that we can't afford anymore.

And what we decided to do is we're going to tie the horse to a stake in the ground.

And then we're going to enclose it in the bales of hay.

You know, just like it's in a room.

We're going to put bales of hay all around it.

and then we're we're gonna like light the hay on fire how how fast is this hay burn it'll burn real

fast okay because i'm afraid if it burns too fast the horse might suffer you know like it's gonna

burn the horse that painfully that they're now it's just a new words it's a drill attachment

attachment oh she met a nibbler bad dog fighter

let's steal that shit instead i'll go to the sears no one cares there anymore

yeah i went to the sears here let me tell you something how stupid these people are hello

yeah hi you got that hay huh you got that hay

yeah i got that hay all right yeah i'm looking to get some bales i wanted to put some around

the horse and light it on fire kill the horse we didn't want trying to kill the horse so it

doesn't suffer though you know i mean what kind of horse uh it's uh it's a lip is on her lip is on

that's a lot a lip is on that's not like a cheap horse no it's not a cheap horse they're from

portugal first of all and they're born black at birth and they turn all white they're very famous

this horse is born black they're born all white they're born black and then they turn white

a lippin's on her horse is born black they're from portugal they're all black

well i can't afford it motherfucker so we got to do something with it what am i going to do

with this horse no one wants the fucking horse the shit's everywhere it's a homosexual horse

We tried to have it mate with other horses.

It didn't want to.

It just kept trying to hump the boy horses.

He's a sexual predator.

He's a sexual predator horse.

He's violent.

He's Portuguese.

He's disgusting.

What's going on?

What are you doing, Bubba?

What's going on?

I just want to know about your hole.

My hole?

I don't understand why you want to burn the hole when it's a good hole.

You said it for me or something.

You want the horse?

Do you have property?

Do you take care of the horse?

Yeah, yeah.

I put it in my garage.

Come on, be serious, man.

This is a life.

I put it in my garage, I promise.

No, no, no.

It's not for a garage.

It's for a stable, motherfucker.

I got hay back there for the hoe.

Hey, who's the woman that I talked to?

How big a girl is she?

What?

The woman that I was talking to.

How big a girl?

She's not interested in you, man.

Get the hell off my phone.

How big a boy are you?

Yourself, how big a boy are you?

What?

How big a boy are you?

How big a what?

A boy.

I'm not a hoe.

all right look you're a stupid fuck and it's not funny that you make an asian voice we're not going

anywhere with this oh okay all right all right can we talk about your underwear can we talk about

your underwear your underwears all right bye bye stupid asshole i thought it was for real and funny

did you see what i just posted in the oh you're not in the skype i am in the skype i am in the

skype don't be rude uh did you see that metal cutting that seems like look at that from

From AliExpress, metal-cutting, double-head, sheet-nibbler, sock-cutting, drill-attachment.

Well, that would work.

Free-cutting.

Look at that thing.

Hello?

50 bucks.

It has, like...

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

I see you got something for sale there.

You got a 1941 John Deere tractor machine in good condition?

Yeah.

Good.

You still got...

Who's talking?

Oh, my name is Cross.

Cox?

Cross.

Oh, Cox.

Yeah.

Yeah, I live in Rogersville.

Yeah, I got one out there.

He's a H, John Deere.

Okay.

It's almost as big as a C4 mall.

I think the C4 mall's got bigger tires on them, but that's what it is.

I mean, it's, you know, classical type.

Yeah, okay.

All right.

Do you still use this thing?

Is it still running and all that?

Do you mind if I pee?

I'll use the bathroom while you explain it to me.

That'd be all right.

Be what?

I have to use the bathroom.

can you just explain to me um about the tractor when do you use it still well i did use i have

been using it you know working in my garden with it but that's about that uh disc is all i've got

with it i mean you know right now yeah but of course i didn't have no plow nothing and i quit

uh farming with i mean you know gardening and uh but i always just disc it up and drug it down

All right, um, what did you use a phone? No, I'm not using a little while

I don't I got nothing to do with you. I mean, you know, there's no work to do with for it

I mean, that's not all I do. All right. Well, I mean it's a 41 model and it's a it's a good shape

It's it needs cleaning up a little bit. I mean, you know, it's been sitting inside

inside it since i've not used it yeah inside it after i wore it got it on the inside there

and uh all right well it's all about all i can tell you right now you just have to look at it

sometime if you don't look at it i would love to see it i would love to sit in it smell it lick it

smell it taste it a little bit um does it need does it run on diesel or gasoline let's run on

No, it's gasoline.

Gasoline.

Okay.

Yeah.

Does it have a toilet on it?

A what?

A toilet?

Yeah, does it have a toilet on it?

Yeah, it's got that pulley on the left side, you know, where you use, and it's a hand crank, you know, on the other side.

And you masturbate it?

Yeah.

Okay, how long does it take to ejaculate after you masturbate it?

How long does it take, what?

To ejaculate after you masturbate it?

Well, I don't know.

It's been a little while since I've had it going there.

I drained it out.

I drained all the gas out of it during the wintertime where I wouldn't, you know.

I mean, it's got antifreeze and stuff in there.

Yeah.

In the radiator and stuff, yeah.

Does it have big balls, big testicles that produce semen and sperm?

Big what?

Big testicle balls on it to produce semen to come out of the front so they can make babies when it ejaculates?

Yeah, I don't know either what you're talking about there.

You know how you...

The only thing I know what you...

Huh?

Go ahead, go ahead.

The only thing I know what you have to do, just if you live around here some...

Yeah, I live on the new Horse Machine Ranch.

It's over here, Horse Machine Ranch Road.

It's in Rogersville.

Yeah, well, I live between...

I live...

You know where over in the Carter Valley is?

Oh, yeah.

Well, I live exactly...

It's at two miles if you turn off down there to Carter Valley.

Yeah.

Well, it turned off car value, but to come up to you, it's two miles.

All right, okay.

Do you reckon...

Go ahead, go ahead.

Do you reckon I could shoot that thing with a shotgun and it'd still run?

No.

No?

All right.

Do you think I could...

Well, I'm serious.

Does it have a penis, the trailer, the tractor?

Does it have a big penis?

Yeah, it's not no big tractor.

All right.

It's got a little bitty penis.

no it's not the least to me though it's it's almost the size of the c farm all okay you know

what they look like yeah okay i guess i guess the c farm all got more horsepower on it okay

oh that'd be that now there's two cylinders in the hole and the others i guess farm all four

cylinders okay all right did did it ever fuck another trailer and have sex with another tractor

and have, like, ejaculate inside of it

and conceive of it?

No.

No, you never put it with a girl tractor

and they had sex, sexual relations, and fucking?

No, no.

Okay, all right, okay.

Does it have any breasts?

Any what?

Breasts?

Breastises?

No.

Only thing I know you can do, buddy,

just if you're up this way sometime,

come by and look at it.

Yeah, I want to come.

Come on, I want to put Jesus' blood all over it.

I want to pour Jesus' blood all over it.

You know who John Hill Road is?

Yeah, yeah, I'm going to, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you have a Bible?

Bible?

Yeah.

Yeah, I want to throw the Bible at the tractor,

and then I want to pour blood of Jesus all over it,

and then I want to burn it.

Burn what?

After I buy the tractor, I'm going to burn it in Satan's name.

Finally.

Jesus.

I started to question

if it was real or you had a

soundboard.

Jesus fucking Christ, man.

You got a hand crank on it.

Man, he was priceless.

Where are all these

numbers coming from?

A lot of the people that are answering

are really good.

This is the middle of bumfuck Egypt, Tennessee.

They've been calling it for like a decade.

then yeah some of them are like cartoon characters yeah some of them really are yeah they really

well that was funny

hey guys make sure you vote for movie night tonight vote for my selection dirty work

hello oh hey if you want to watch dirty work oh man i'll go vote right now

If you guys want to watch Dirty Work, it's amazing.

Dude, oh my God.

Look at the all-star cast you guys.

You got Norm Macdonald, Artie Lange.

It's an amazing movie.

Right.

Norm Macdonald, Artie Lange movie, right?

You got Chevy Chase is in it.

You got Don fucking Rickles.

It's so good.

What's his name from Roseanne?

John Goodman's in it.

And it's Chris Farley, his last movie.

His last movie appearance.

and it's not like it's not stupid it's like a funny it's hilarious yeah because the horror

yeah you gotta watch it dude he he ends the movie he's the last thing in the movie yeah

it's a such a great way for chris farley to go into the sunset yeah yeah um okay let me go vote

um okay hijinks hang on i don't apparently i don't have the

satisfied till all my niggas get it i don't have the um we get it back to split the desktop app

working so i'm gonna i'll get you i'll get you a link i'll get you a link everyone if you're

in this world go for dirty work make carlito happy go for dirty work motherfucker we got

someone looking for a propane tank yeah we'll put uh fucking dwight mcclanahan's general discussion

session, vibe, music.

Where did we do it? Announcements?

Uh, yeah.

I think it was in announcements that I saw it

most recently.

It's a hijinks one. Are you in a hijinks

club? Yeah, yeah, I'm in there right now.

Let's see. Office space.

Let's see. Requiem? No, hang on.

This is an old room.

Oh, okay. Dirty works.

Your call has been forwarded

to an automated voice messaging system.

We lost Dwight McClanahan.

I can only presume that Dwight McClanahan

and is preparing himself for the show.

It's saying, it's saying I can't vote online.

You don't have permission to vote?

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice message.

They really make that?

Like, you don't have permissions?

Okay, I don't know.

Oh, we'll figure it out.

We'll figure it out, bud.

Don't you worry about that.

I had some mofongo today.

Oh, I think I got it.

My favorite things in the world to eat, mofongo.

They had it for sale at the local market at the Puerto Rican stand.

mofongo if you're ever looking for something off the beaten path as far as puerto rican food is

concerned get yourself some mofongo i recommend it with the uh shrimp sometimes i don't know it's

a little too tomatoey i would recommend that with the pork chicharron or pernil it's surrounded with

a nice broth for you you know palinger reports anyone can vote sir anyone can vote okay i'm

clicking it it goes from five to six i don't know what's going on so yeah hi i see you got

twin bed mattress box springs for sale yeah just a spring just the springs then no it's the frame

box spring in the and the mattress bed oh mattress yeah nice nice what can you tell me about this

was it used was is it used yeah it was uh i had the mattress for probably about four about four

years 85 years yeah the the box spring i don't know how long how old it was it was part of my

My brother is part of that, and the frame was, I want to say the frame's probably about

10 years old, but it looks like it's brand new.

Nice.

It's a metal frame.

It's a metal frame, kind of just a little over the ground.

And where did it come from?

Where'd you get it?

Big Lots?

Where'd you get it from?

Yeah, the mattress I did, yeah.

Oh, you got it from Big Lots?

I was just kidding.

You really got it from Big Lots?

Yeah.

I bought the mattress from Big Lots.

Man, shit.

That's some bad stuff they got there, man.

Really?

Is it comfortable?

I mean, do you sleep on it?

What was it for your kids?

No, I slept on it for a while because I got through the abortion.

I was back and forth, and I slept on it for about four years.

Oh, shit, brother.

I'm sorry, man.

I didn't mean it like that.

You ever get drunk and, like, lay on it?

No.

All right, good, because, you know, I leak a lot when I'm drinking.

You know, like, I fart and pee, poop a little bit sometimes.

Do you ever have any accidents on that?

No, I never have.

Do you do any fornicating on it?

No.

All right, so no semen stains on it, no vaginal discharges,

nothing like that uh you have any problems with bed bugs no all right okay did um is here i had

i was wondering because i want to come down and take a look at before i pick that up i got a truck

all right i live over how close to horse machine ranch road are you you know where walmart's is

and roger yeah yeah yeah it's back behind there they got a whole new subdivision called the horse

machine ranch okay all right so i'm i'm a little over seven miles from walmart oh nice that ain't

ain't that bad that ain't that bad no good no good good i could put that twin bin mattress i

could put down top of my pre is probably right seven miles if i go nice and slow right it's a

straight shot probably could yeah because it's uh off the highway fuck yeah all right very nice

i think it's just a little just so i think it's just a tad bit over seven miles all right i'm

going towards uh bing's uh i'm going towards bing station nice nice uh trw when could i come take

take a look at that okay uh what about tomorrow all right do you have plastic bags grocery bag

plastic grocery bag yeah i don't know what your bag yeah well you got like one of them like the

soft cut you maybe like a bread sandwich sandwich bread bag a bread bag back for break uh well

now we don't keep a bread bags oh because i i know those hand free hands free masturbation

technique where you put the bag in between the box spring and the mattress and you put squirt

lube in it and you fuck it you know you put your dick in there and you you know so i just want to

test it out that's what i wanted for is for you know sexual purposes i'm too big for a twin bed

mattress but i'll hump it i'll hump it i got the idea for my dog yeah i got the idea for my dog

he humps his match his little baby bed all the time and i want to so i started looking up hands

free masturbation techniques and i found that you take it the target bag is the best one because

it's soft you know and you just put some kind of lube in there water-based lubricants whatever you

want some ky jelly you can do some vaseline if you want i don't care what you do today once you

pay for it yeah but i gotta test it out i gotta make sure that it's a good fuck you know you got

a good got a nice nice tight vagina nice bread pussy on it you know i mean is it a girl bed or

a boy bed that's why you don't call it well i mean if it's a boy bed i'll put it in its ass

you know but if it's a girl bed i'll put in the bed pussy you know either way i'm gonna fuck

you know either way we're gonna fuck motherfucker what's your address if you

want to do that to the bed out here while i'm here that's your you can take

it home to that there but i mean can i finger it a little bit

can i finger it a little bit the bed i'm not here to ask you ain't i'll put

some fingers this is my finger just run inside and get it out there what you

know once you pay for it you get home with it but not here you're not i gotta

make sure there's nothing sharp i gotta make sure it's got a nice wet pussy on

you know if you if you want to buy it tomorrow you come out here tomorrow i can't pay for it

then you do whatever you want to that's all right but i get i just if it's a hot sexy bed i might

fuck it i just gotta let you know i get horny man you know how it is you were you got divorced

you know how it was you were laying on that bed you probably masturbated after two years like

fuck i gotta get a fuck dude i'll talk to you tomorrow all right if you want to pay for it

you masturbated on my bed didn't you you

dirty boy i know you didn't

yeah all right cool that dead pussy man that's uh that's funny shit hands for masturbate so

where that comes from i used to prank call a uh like a phone chat line it was in 2011 and when i

stopped doing shows for almost a year because i got real sick you remember this time i went blind

but i would do off-air pranks with evil arty and stuff and we used to call this phone line and it

It was funny.

Like, me and Artie, we spent, like, four hours all day just pranking and being stupid, making

hoarse noises.

Yeah.

And there was this one guy who was always on there, and his, like, his message was always,

like, hands-free masturbation techniques.

He had a Boston accent.

So one time, we were like, fuck it, let's see if he'll talk to us.

And he did.

He's like, yeah, so what you do?

And it was what I just said.

You get yourself a bread bag or a Target bag, and you put your lube in there, and

then you put it in between the mattress, and you put your dick in it.

i'm like okay but now we know what you're talking about thanks weirdo he was there every day all day

you just go on there and he was one of the people on there it's just hands-free masturbation

techniques hit me up yeah oh yeah great oh dude we would be stupid we will get connect to women

and i would just say like yeah i can see your face i'm like you're nasty motherfucker i get all mad

yeah that's where the horse thing really got crazy because we had a horse sound effect we

just play at people dad long story i wish i would have recorded those those are good times

we call charlie a lot too um someone's got an upright freezer for sale we have about 36 minutes

or so before big dwight mcclernand takes out i think he's down the middle wants to know how to

watch dirty work i don't know if we are watching dirty work apparently it's in what is it discord

hardcore.gg forward slash pranks and from there you need well it'll be on rabbit i believe

rabbit r-a-b-b-i-t i think it is i don't think it's winning though it looks like

the pirate of the caribbean so i won't do it i'm not watching a fucking disney movie with you

people yeah i'm not gonna do that um i can just show um dirty work on the we can't compete that's

for we can't uh can't do prank wars no no prank wars prank wars yeah uh upright freezer does

anyone want this no one here's contributed i feel bad axpa and right freezer yeah

no coffin freezers are neat you know the big like body freezers but an upright like how are you

gonna put a buddy in that damn thing hello he's gotta have a hook in there right you got a right

right freezer hello hello yeah i'm putting my buddy matt on he wants the upright freezer matt

go ahead she's on hey day we're just talking you got that upright freezer for sale yeah hello

hello lady got that right freezer jesus gone we're clear yeah the kid got it and let me let

me try it out let me try to be all those psas about like don't go to a refrigerator yeah

it's like you'll die there was i think there was a very special punky about it hello hello yeah do

you have the upright freezer i'm sorry it's sold you fucking bitch why do you fucking sell it how

much you sell it for a lot kiss my ass okay i'll pay i'll pay more money i'll give you 150 do they

pick it up yet we need this freezer dog what were you talking about because i just had something

something funny to say experience a lot go back freezers or psas oh yeah okay yeah dude i had a

cousin who was kind of crazy he um he had like a really bad acid trip and he got on a bike in

puerto rico and he fell down a uh like an embankment like down a mountain basically

and they had to go rescue him so he had a lot of brain damage so he wasn't right and anyway he

He moved to Worcester, Mass., with my uncle and shit.

And one day, like, they couldn't find him.

They looked for him, like, around the apartment and all over the area for, like, an hour.

They couldn't find him.

So they were going to go down.

After, like, an hour, they were all freaked out.

Like, he disappeared.

He got kidnapped.

Whatever.

He was, like, 16.

So they said, all right, I guess we've got to go to the cops and report this.

So my uncle went to open.

He opened the door to get his coat.

And my cousin was in there, just standing.

and then there the whole time for like several hours you heard everyone saying they were looking

for a machine he just stood stood there like it was yeah so that stuff like that makes that's i

guess that was the fear right you get you go inside an old fridge and you could you can't

open it from the inside yeah yeah yeah i got stuck in a walk-in freezer uh it closed behind me

and my when i worked at a grocery store but uh luckily i think there were sitcoms based on that

as well yeah well i got stuck but there was a axe in there and i was like i'm gonna have to use this

fucking axe to start breaking this shit down uh but luckily my supervisor came in looking for me

where are you being carlos i'm like i was fucking oh my god bag it off the freezer yo he's like it's

20 below in here i think you wouldn't fucking get an apothermia like in 30 minutes sat whatever

aren't those freezers like supposed to have an emergency exit like that it'll bypass like the

the lock it didn't work it was a glow-in-the-dark knob and it wouldn't open effect anymore yeah it

was a glow i think it's like required and shit it didn't work honestly no it was there it just

didn't fucking work like i i pull they had told us already the shit doesn't work you got to prop

it open with a milk crate and i didn't do it right or something or maybe someone thought it'd be

funny to kill me yeah i always say work is for suckers work will kill you well it's like that

episode of uh trailer park boys his bubbles he goes in the in the meat freezer or some shit and

he's in there for like five fucking hours your call cannot you know i've never seen that show

at all dude you gotta watch this shit carlito it's hilarious not not you nashby but it's the

kind of show that the people that i know around me that say they like the show i don't really

like those people i i know carlito i know what you're saying it i didn't watch it for quite a

few years yeah because i know what you're saying um but it's a funny fucking show it's at least

funny through a watch a watch through i haven't gone back to it um but i've watched like everything

i love that backwards beat all right yeah uh yeah i need to watch that i need to watch it's

So is Sunny in Philadelphia.

I've never watched that show.

Oh, that's really good, too.

I've seen little bits and pieces, but I've never actually sat and watched that show.

It's funny, too.

30 Rock I also didn't see either.

A lot of people told me I should watch that.

I've never seen that.

I don't think I will watch that.

Yeah, it's too NBC for me now.

Yeah, fuck that shit.

Yeah, yeah.

The only thing worse than that is CBS.

Yeah, like any big network-y shit.

Majors.

Any of the old guard, I don't care.

Hi, I saw that you had a round marble kitchen table with two chairs.

Yes.

Okay, did it used to have four chairs?

Is something wrong?

What?

Is it small?

Is that why it only has two chairs?

You can add two more with it, but I only use two chairs.

Okay, but I like matching chairs, so I wouldn't have to get some folding chairs at Walmart.

You're asking $100 for it?

Yes.

All right, okay, all right.

uh can i see the kitchen table can i come and see it uh when would you like to see it uh i mean i

mean i don't want to make you have to bring it out i mean we can meet a safe location at walmart's

where i can come see the marble kitchen whenever you have time okay uh well about tomorrow all

right i gotta go to church you go to church no oh shit all right well uh when i get out of church

around one o'clock i can come by see it my come with my wife okay all right how big a dick is on

on the table what how big dick is it how big does it have his dick it's not too thick it's like a

little round it's a round table it's got two chairs with it they got two does it got a lot

of balls and a lot of juice do what does it have balls and juice whatever out there penis you could

have balls on it and then you could juice of course uh what was going on did something happen

something good happened what happened penis oh hey penis how you doing is that what happened

Super pump.

Yeah, see, uh, might headlock his pee.

Very good.

Good for him.

He's getting some pee out.

E-e-e-e-e.

We got a male and female cockatiels with a cage.

They're beautiful, nice birds.

They come with cage.

Thanks for telling me twice about the cage, asshole.

Did you mention the cage?

Cock.

Fuck me.

Cock, right?

I don't even know if they're female.

Oh, they're both male and two female.

Oh, shit.

It's a concubine.

hello hi i see you got two cockatiels three cockatiels you still got them hello she went

to say something and went dude it sounds like that chick you called like to a gone freezer

really let me see oh that's maybe they're selling that too the number's very similar i think you're

right good call nashby all right the big brain on nashby i'm sorry the person you were trying

all right yeah that super pump it might have damaged my dick it didn't damage my brain so

it would just make you come at night like you just wake up and would you like be like oh

or just wake up and it was like a wet dream kind of thing going on it was a wet dream man except

i haven't wet dream since i was probably 14 until i took that shit shit wow that's good

drained your balls nice and well that's good well dude it's like a gallon of cum came out of my

I was doing some crazy shit with your testosterone, man.

That's scary.

Oh, yeah.

You got a GE electric self-cleaning stove?

Yellow.

Where you located?

I see.

I'm in Rogersville.

No, you're not.

Yeah, I is.

I live in Rogersville.

You're a joke.

No, I'm not a joke.

I'm looking for a GE electric self-cleaning stove.

You got it.

Motherfucker, you.

Hey, don't be a motherfucker, motherfucker.

God, she didn't.

You thought I was going to tell me.

Are you real world?

What the fuck?

Was that a voicemail?

What the fuck was that about?

Hello.

I haven't called that number before.

Did I?

Oh, I might have.

Oh, I had a winch in the TV earlier.

I don't remember that call.

I don't either.

What the hell?

Let's try to get an explanation.

Is Dirty Work winning yet?

I heard a rumor that Dirty Work is in the lead now.

It's doing better.

They're tied.

I don't know how it was.

Thank me later that you guys didn't watch the Pirates of the Caribbean shit

when we get to watch dirty work tonight i'll stay up for that i will stay up for that too

and stay around yeah yeah i think about that that that holds like a special soft spot by art

because i used to watch that vhs all the time back in the day dirty work i remember that yeah yeah

and like around the time i used to like listen to jerk voice tape a lot with my boy bamski like

I was, like, 19 or 20, and, like, back in the day, we watched the shit out of Dirty Work.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

I see you got that stuff for sale.

You still got that for sale?

Oh, you were looking for a utility trailer?

I done bought one.

Aw, shit.

What kind did you get, brother?

The name of it.

Why are you going to call it the toy box by any chance?

Because it got a big dick on it?

Sure has.

Oh, nice.

Does it do a lot of good fucking?

Yep.

Are you gonna breed it?

Because I'd be down to get one of them trailer puppies.

You got enough of those.

I'm getting it.

When are you breeding it?

I know.

I like to put down for one of the litter.

The first litter that comes out.

Can you?

What?

Can you?

You're funny, motherfucker.

motherfucker i got a trailer big enough to put my ass on now i'm gonna fuck my wife on

i was just thinking toy box killer when i think of a utility trailer you know

you got that shavy suburban for sale what tell you something and i'll take care of your ass too

what's your fucking problem about something else let me tell you what my fucking problem

How many ads you got, motherfucker, you?

Shut up.

I said shut up.

Give me the freezer and the Suburban, motherfucker, you.

I want that.

Oh, shit.

How'd you know it was me?

My bad.

Oh, shit.

You know, CJ.

My bad.

I'm sorry.

I'm just joking.

That's all.

I'm just joking.

That's all.

Yeah, yeah.

You are a joke.

Can you go out and find somebody else?

Why don't you learn how to respect somebody?

I'm sorry.

I'll kiss you, though. Can I kiss you?

Yeah, I bet you will. I'll kiss you

with my damn 12 gauge, too. How about that?

Can I smell your pussy lips?

Fucking CJ's in trouble.

Oh, CJ.

Oh, CJ, CJ, CJ.

CJ.

Man, you ain't been right ever since

you got out.

I'll tell you what, CJ.

The boy beat and he got

dropped and she ain't been right

yet, for real.

With volleys and a beer that's cold.

How many ads has this lady got?

You keep calling her.

Yeah, hi, you looking for free horses?

Yes, I am.

I got a couple Lipizzaners that we can't afford anymore.

I don't know if you'd be interested in taking care of them.

You've got to take good care of them.

They're very rare, special horses.

Yes, I know all about them.

They're all white.

They're born black, and they're from Portugal.

Where are you located?

I'm located in Rogersville.

i've got a property here a horse machine ranch road we uh built a ranch called horse machine

ranch we started a development and it's failing it's done failed we invested in a whole bunch of

ducks uh for duck meat and they all flew away so uh we lost a good one and a half million dollars

and now my wife is leaving me she's she's keeping the uh she's keeping the ranch um you know where

where the walmart's is yeah yeah we're up behind the walmart's in rogersville and these two lip

designers what she said if i can't sell them that she's gonna buy she bought like she found someone

that's got some like 70 bales of hay that she's gonna buy and she was just gonna burn them she's

gonna surround them in the hay and burn them like you can't do that those are lip design no no i

take them for sure oh my god i think they're gorgeous i love a lip designer yeah but she

She said, if you don't sell these motherfuckers, she said like that to me.

Yeah, no, I'll take them for sure.

She pulled out a 12-gauge, and she started shooting it in the air around them,

and the horses are going crazy.

I'll start crying.

I said, please don't.

Don't scare the horses.

I have two Tennessee Walkers and a standard bred.

Yeah?

Yeah, I take horses all the time that people just can't afford or can't take care of.

I run my own little kind of thing.

All right.

do you are you not i always i'm in rogersville yes oh god thank god thank god someone get these

this is my most prized horses i don't know what i'm gonna do you know i'm out on the street yes

i'm in rogersville i'm five minutes from town oh thank god god bless you do you are you in your

computer right now at all i can show you where where the horses are yes i mean can i give you

the website i'll show you where to click on on on our website and you can see the horses yeah yeah

Yeah, I can.

All right.

Are you ready for the website?

Hang on just a second.

All right.

Yeah.

Gloryholefoundation.com?

Gloria.

Gloryhole.

Yeah, gloryholefoundation.com.

Gloryhole.

Yeah.

Okay.

And I hope that website still works.

I don't know.

Hang on just a second.

Let it load.

She may have shut it down.

I hope she doesn't shut it down.

It's loading.

Give it a minute.

All right.

You got slow internets.

Do what?

You got them slow internets.

yeah i really do oh that's all right does it have a tree on it yeah and you see enter website you

just have to click there yeah yeah click on that and let me know it has a there's an audio part

too you want to turn your speakers on maybe well i can't listen to it right now i'm in the middle

of a restaurant oh okay but yeah click on that though on the internet and i'll show you where

to click it's on the bottom left oh so you're on a mobile device she got it all right

You spin me right

Right in the eye

That's me spin Carlito

Oh but isn't it the same song there

No

No I don't think they do the song on

GHF

Oh shit we should find out

No I think it's just

Oh

Like a beer pure too

No

But it does bounce around so you can't

Close it

Does it work on

on mobile yeah it's pain in the ass i've tried it on mobile pain in the ass clothes

so what it sounds like all right so that was fun wasn't it that was really fun actually um like

she acknowledged that that breed of horse was real unlike that other joker so they said that

it wasn't a real thing that's it's it's a legendary call i think in madhouse history

where it was me and jen stewart and jen's just selling his lady in hawaii but he's got lipizan

horses and she's like i love oh i love the lipizan so i was like i want to train them

he's like oh yeah you could come train them so he sends in the gore hole and you hear the audio

and everything she's like so let down yeah it was a joke because she thought she's gonna get

to play with the lip is on horses like oh they're lovely yeah i just learned about them from that

movie uh crimson tide man uh the goddamn uh the the pirates and the fucking dirty worker head to

head oh all right well i gotta vote still so and we'll hopefully dwight will oh well but then keep

Keep that under your thing so you can beat the tiebreaker.

My guess is Dwight is pro-Pirates of the Caribbean because he's a fucking cake boy and he probably wants to sleep.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Really?

Fucking, yeah.

Go Curry Times Square, how can I help you?

Hey, how you doing?

This is Go Go Curry.

This is Go Go Curry, 38th Street location.

How can I help you?

Yeah, do you have Indian people here?

Sorry?

Do you have Indian people here?

Indian people?

No, we don't.

Is this Indian curry or some other type?

It's not Indian curry.

It's Japanese curry.

Oh, thank God.

Those Indians, I can't stand them.

They're disgusting, you know?

So what can you tell me about Japanese curry?

How different is it than from the Indian curry?

Well, Japanese curry is not spicy at all, but our original curry is pork-based.

Yeah?

Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm.

So we also have vegetarian curry.

Okay.

All right.

Do you have tofu?

Yes, we do have tofu, yes.

Okay.

Do you have anything else?

We have chicken, pork, sausage.

If you want to know more about our menu, you can go online.

You can find us there, GoGoCurry, and you can see our menu there, the whole menu.

All right, and how long after I have the curry until I take a shit in the toilet?

That, I don't know.

You're just wasting my time, sir.

No, no, no, because I have a blockage, and it was suggested to me.

I'm just wasting her time.

You know, you have IBS, Carlito.

I got the IBS.

I got GERD also.

Fowl syndrome.

I got GERD, G-E-R-D.

What's that one?

What's GERD?

GERD.

You need to stop eating those gummy

vitamins. It'll change your world.

Oh, dude.

Thank you for calling Frames, New York City's

premier bowling and nightlife

destination.

If you know your party's extension, please press

a tap. What the fuck is GERD?

For events, parties, and lane reservations,

press 1. Please stay on the line

while your call is transferred to the operator.

Okay. We're about 15 minutes

away from Dwight McClanahan taking over.

Thank you for calling Frames.

Fucking asshole.

Are there any surgeons there?

Isn't that the kind of fish they get the caviar out of?

Sturgeons?

Wasn't it sturgeon?

I thought it was salmon.

No, I think it's sturgeons.

I think she heard me say that before.

I asked for one.

Sturgeon, not sturgeon.

Oh, I'm so silly.

It isn't sturgeon, really?

I thought it was...

Yeah, oh yeah.

Sturgeon really is where caviar comes from.

Okay, okay.

Alright, let's call a noodle bar here.

Let's ask them how long it takes to take a shit.

Shit, Axpo, do you want to call a noodle bar and it all?

Sure, yeah, I'll take one.

Mr. Axpo will take this over.

Look at how crusty the clown looked back in episode one.

Hello?

Or season one.

Hello there?

Yes, sir.

Yes, I would like to place an order.

For?

Uh, pickup.

Pickup, right?

Okay, sure.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

I have a question.

Yep.

Yeah, how long until after I eat the food will I have to push the feces out of my asshole?

I don't know, sir. It's up to your ass.

I'm sorry?

It's up to your ass, sir. I don't know.

Oh, it's up to my ass. Yeah, that's really rude of you.

I don't know, sir. That's your ass, man. I have to answer your ass.

Do you want to hear my ass?

No, no. I mean, like, you're asking, like, how long will it be out of your ass, right? The feces?

Yes, yes.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying that I don't know if that's up to your ass.

How do I process in your intestine?

You hear the process?

I'm making the process right now.

Oh, okay.

I know, sir.

So you're asking for an order or?

I'm making the process.

Yeah, I know, sir.

Maybe like you're pooping yourself.

Oh, man.

That's pretty funny.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You want to come see it?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, good, man.

Yeah, that's good.

That's good.

Yeah, I'm in the bathroom here.

yeah have a nice welcome in the bathroom you can see it

scathouse for the win yeah man scathouselive.com everybody

hello let's make an order please back up

scathouse for the win good job expo it's here for expo everybody that was fun that was really

fun i like that it's up to your ass it's up to your ass it's up to your ass it's a good uh good

good title for the show but that's not really the thing because it's like if he feeds you a

fucking a laxative it's not a pure ass no it's in your intestinal area it's not your

the poison that he gives you yeah it's like like it's how your poor ass is going to react

right yeah especially if he really gives you some poison up the ass you know yeah yeah some

blowfish poison the master's hands are very busy right now uh wasn't he with miss krabappel

and the yeah that's when he was in the car fucking krabappel and they're like hey master

we need your hands we're getting on the fogu right now and then the hands are very busy and

then the whole time the uh the young guy the rookie he actually did it well he did a good

yeah yeah yeah yeah he didn't kill homer unless homer was just such a fat fuck and it had so

much beer in him that it didn't affect them like yeah that is a possibility right like the fatness

yeah i don't know how that how blowfish shit works on you though it's a neurotoxin

so like because people say like it gives you like a numby on your mouth you know okay um like like

like yayo um so i don't know how it kills i think it slows down everything right you know so i don't

know so i would think weight would have something to do with it because it's like like you know like

less likely to die from drinking or something because there's just more space for the booze

to go around you know i guess i don't know it depends on how your space whether or not your

Your liver can work on it, I guess.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hi, this is Juan Manganudo.

Hi, yeah, is this the cigar place?

Yes, we are.

Okay, all right.

Do you have any Davidoff here?

Yes, we do have Davidoff.

Wow, do you have the Millennial, Millennium?

Yes, we do.

Okay, all right.

How much you go for?

Let me check, okay?

I have to take a look at the menu.

Do you mind if I put you in a brief hold?

Yeah, check in between your legs, thank you.

Thank you.

All right, now you're shopping on the show?

Yeah, yeah, I got to take care of some of the errands here.

Ask her about her labia.

I didn't know she's

gonna have to go

for that long

on Monday evenings

join us for the

Sinatra night

or join us on

I'm curious

like what that does

like it's kind of

dead

if numbers are not

oh hello

yeah

All right, so it's going to be the Millennium Blend.

It's about $52.74.

Okay, and how long after I smoke that until I have to take a shit in the toilet?

I really don't know.

Because you know how the tobacco makes you need to go poopy caca?

I have no idea.

Do you have good toilets there that I can use?

We do.

All right, are they clean?

Can I smoke inside the toilet?

Yes, you can.

Okay, or can I just sit on the toilet and smoke my cigar?

I really like that.

Yes, you can do that.

okay is there a sink inside the stall is it like a single toilet or it is a stall

it is a single and a double all right we have two different kinds you have a single and a double

yeah all right can i make reservations for me and you and the double and i'll pork i'll pork you

i'm gonna pork you i'm gonna lewinsky a cigar inside of you you know what i mean no you know

i'm talking about that you know what you know how monica lewinsky she took the cigar she made it

Yeah, well, I'm not Monica Levinsky.

She made it disappear, you know what I mean?

No.

You know what I'm talking about.

No, I don't.

The president, Bill Clinton, may his name be praised, he inserted the cigar in her vagina and then he took it out and he put it in his mouth and said, it tastes good.

No, I'm not.

He said it just like that.

It is a very good impression.

It tastes good.

That's what he said.

and then he went to meet

Yassir Arafat

and the rumor is

that he gave that cigar

to Yassir Arafat

isn't that funny

he was probably like

oh my god

that's like how I like

he seriously did that Carlito

yeah

you know what I'm talking about

right

I think it was quite

an interesting conversation

and probably the best

conversation I've ever had

okay

alright cool

it's good to talk to you

honey baby

are you single

you too

are you single

thanks for being a good sport

huh

I'm taking

you're taking

oh that's a bummer

tonight though you know what i mean come on is it working let's make the let's make the cigar

disappear tonight me and you why won't you come by oh nice okay what was your name nice

i got a nice place in the i got a nice place in the upper east side

hey hey hey honey baby how big are your breasts i believe that is the story though it tastes good

That's what he said

Oh

That's sexual harassment

You can't do that

Fuck you AXPA

I'm trying to find a copy of the star reports

I was going to read it to her but

Oh wow

Hey is it true that Bill Clinton actually did that shit

That what

That Bill Clinton did that he admitted to it yeah it happened

He stuck a cigar in her snatch

Oh yeah

Why is it such a crazy thing to do

No, no, it's not. I just...

Monica Lewinsky says that while you were in the Oval Office area, you touched her breast. Would she be lying?

Let me say something about all this.

All I really need for you, Mr. President, is to say I won't answer under the previous grounds or to answer the question.

You see, because we only have four hours and your answers are extremely lengthy.

But go ahead and ask your question.

The question is, if Monica Lewinsky says that while you were in the Oval Office area, you touched her breasts, would she be lying?

That is not my recollection. My recollection is that I did not have sexual relations with Ms. Lewinsky, and I'm staying on my former statement about that.

My statement is that I did not have sexual relations as defined by that.

If she says that you kissed her breasts, would she be lying?

I'm going to revert to my former statement.

Okay. If Monica Lewinsky says that while you were in the Oval Office area, you touched her genitalia, would she be lying?

That calls for a yes, no, or reverting to your former statement.

I will revert to my statement on that.

If Monica Lewinsky says that you used a cigar as a sexual aid with her in the Oval Office area, would she be lying?

Yes, no, or won't answer.

I will revert to my former statement.

All right, so this...

And the Republicans got mad at her.

Listen, the story is Monica Lewinsky masturbated with a cigar while President Clinton watched

and masturbated as well.

Yasser Arafat was supposedly kept waiting in the Rose Garden while this was going on

in a room next to the Oval Office.

Who the hell is that, that Yasser Arafat?

He's dead.

You don't know who Yasser Arafat was?

He was the leader of the Palestinians.

He's dead, though.

He was the leader of the PLA.

He probably got assassinated, to be honest with you.

That's the rumor, because he got kind of poisoned all of a sudden.

He was an old fuck.

he was a piece of shit that motherfucker's like oh no that's how he's that is how he said it yeah

it was when he was right before he died he was always like i shake too much i get the fuck out

of here old man motherfucker you that's right yeah and uh it was the story was attributed to

multiple sources close to the case so you know that's legit and adds several major news

organizations confirmed the shocking episode wow no one printed like i'm saying it seems like uh

like a for real thing because like i'm saying i like them i like like like pulling rolled up

bloody bills out of my wallet and buying mcdonald's breakfast with them like get it dirty

shit and you don't even know what you're touching you fuckers um so that seems like something that

deviant would do yeah yeah well apparently the the thing is they say that he was uh he had a

problem with the erections so he did the because he did uh he ate her ass out too i know that he

didn't fuck her ever and it's probably because it was pretty much before viagra and uh you know it

was like 96 97 and what do you do right what do you do yeah i'm not a kid anymore eat some ass i

wish i was a kid again back in the day yeah yeah yeah and well i mean it's all redacted all you see

his ass mouth or whatever in this report it could have been the other way it could have been monica

doing it to him that's but we all want to we all really hope that it was bill eating that ass

it's like it's funny either way actually just because he's such a comical character to me

the other the other funny thing that i like to say like it happened in history was with michael

jackson when it came out in uh in in the the second molestation case that he would prank call

people from his from uh neverland from a plane no from from like a plane from chris tucker's

airplane he'd be flying in chris tucker's airplane with that kid and they would prank call people and

he fucking he would say stuff like does your pussy stink so i just imagine michael jackson

calling and i pick up and he's like did you pussy stink you know like what the fuck i didn't hear

about that yeah apparently he would prank call um what's his face from uh the the gladiator who

am i uh hugh jackman okay really they didn't know each other formally but he michael jackson found

his phone number somehow and prank called him relentlessly for the longest like would just

prank call and say stupid shit and yeah hugh jackman finally had to tell him hey man can you

like stop fucking with me like i don't even know you dude and you're like you prank with like

stupid pranks like is your refrigerator running kind of stupid shit these are always funny yeah

and then he go teehee i'm just kidding it's michael like fuck you michael jackson stop calling me

oh he actually did figure it out finally oh russell crowe thank you i said hugh jackman

wrong no i was gonna say russell crowe wasn't gladiator yeah yeah that's my bet is russell

crow i confused my white actors all the time yeah yeah yeah so did he figure out who it was finally

who russell crowe yeah yeah he knew how can you not tell as michael he said he said it on

interviews like several times like he'll be on conan and he'll get asked the question like yeah

michael jackson didn't know me but will prank call me for like two years straight you've been

tweeting about is this michael jackson thing which i found found found uh bizarre not just

that michael jackson would uh sort of send you these bizarre prank phone calls right but that

it just became a story now and you sort of tweeted the same thing here after 10 years of you telling

the story suddenly the world yeah i've told this story on jay leno on fallon you know why is it

suddenly hot i don't know but everyone that actually knows michael knows he used to like to

do this it was just one of his things but the other thing is too is why you though i didn't

understand that part why you why did he pick you i'm not sure i have no idea we never had any kind

kind of deep and meaningful conversation, man.

You know, if it was a prank call, I'd be like,

fuck is this, you know?

And he'd be like, oh, don't worry, Russell, it's only Michael.

I was like, hello, mate, how you doing, you know?

And he'd go, oh, good, what are you doing?

We have a couple of, you know, you should come and see a show or whatever.

But would it be like a classic, your refrigerator's running,

you better go catch it?

That kind of thing.

Sir Walter Raleigh in a can?

He never got past that one?

Is Mr. Wall there? Is Mrs. Wall there?

Or any wall there?

What's holding up the roof?

It's like, you know, and I said the other day

on an english tv show i said you know you kind of most of us get over that at 10 or whatever because

i definitely did it you know so i used to do that quite regularly when i was a young fellow but um

i wasn't meaning that in any nasty way you know i actually used to think it was kind of sweet that

he trusted somehow that i'll just be into the gag and it'd be cool with it you know

just said hey man stop calling me had he not checking in every now and again yeah

Hey, how you doing?

It's your refrigerator, son.

Had he not died, he might have actually found

My House Radio.

Oh, that would have been great.

Dwight McClanahan might have been...

He's not dead.

He's not? You don't think? He's with Tupac?

Are you ready? Dwight, you're ready.

It's 10 o'clock. Come on, let's go.

I think they all went to live

in that new Black Panther movie.

The Black Panther? Oh, dude, you know what?

I saw that last night. That's a stupid, silly movie.

That's retarded.

stupid fucking piece of shit

yeah I'm gonna bootleg that tonight

I watched it and I liked it

and I didn't watch

a lot of the shit building up to it

you know and didn't care about

superhero movies but it was pretty fun

like everybody dies

I just like that everybody dies shit

I haven't seen Deadpool 2

I haven't seen Deadpool 1 either

I haven't seen Deadpool 1

the nice thing is you don't have to

see one in order to get two

Yeah, but you want to if you can't want to.

Oh, you don't have to.

Yeah, yeah.

You can get a good rip.

Did you guys hear about that lawsuit that the state had filed against the state of Utah here?

About the Deadpool movie?

About abortions?

No, it was about the Deadpool movie.

It was a bar that showed it and alcohol was served and they, like, revoked their liquor license and shit.

So you can't do that in a fucking Mormon state, man.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no. It went to the Supreme Court

and the bar won.

Yeah, the bar won. The bar

association? Like the lower age one?

That already happened with

Deadpool 2. It already went to the

Supreme Court within

a couple weeks.

Look, I gotta go. It's Dwight's time.

Dwight, get out of that shit, motherfucker.

See you guys. I'll catch up

with you later.

Get out of there.

Hurry up.

Alright, guys. Thanks for tuning in.

Stay tuned for Dwight McClanahan,

hand the show in quotes coming up next on prank call nation if you're listening on shoutcast

stop listening to shoutcast jump on the mixler mixlr.com forward slash prank call nation forward

slash all right thanks for tuning in thanks all the patreon subscribers patreon.com madhouse

god bless i'll catch you here on the next holiday oh don't forget my interview monday night 10 p.m

Eastern, 7 p.m. Pacific, only on the PLA.

We're baller than the place to be if you really want to party with me.

You're listening to Madhouse Live on the largest call station in the nation.

The prank call nation.

Calls (18, 51 min of 1 h 43 min)

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