No TV For You – 9/6/18 Show - Madhouse Live Search

It's not a free service, and I'm the one asking the questions here.

Do you understand?

Excuse me?

You know what?

You motherfuckers, which is you crackers, you know, because that's what you are.

Sir, don't need to be racist.

You know, no need to be racist.

I bet you any time of the motherfucking day, if me and you screwed up, I would beat your ass.

Live, I be like, damn, this shit's bitchin'.

Stop whatever I'm doin' to tune in and listen.

Where you at?

You can catch me in the back of his home at Horse Machine Ranch Road.

I'm bustin' mad fat flows for assholes and banchos.

My spit crazy.

Shout out to Big Amy.

That's nice, honey baby.

We kissin' pussy, so ladies, touch your labia.

It's crazy how the stuff that my bruh might say to ya.

Face it, cuz, it's the number one prank cast.

Stay back if you can't handle all the straight laughs that we hand to your dome.

And if you want, call the number.

You can listen to this show on the go.

Big up to the man in the madhouse

To show love, just take your motherfuckin' hands off

Some come close, but they can't get it right

Let the king do his thing, it's time for Madhouse Live

Big up to the man in the madhouse

To show love, just take your motherfuckin' hands off

Some come close, but they can't get it right

Let the king do his thing, it's time for Madhouse Live

Thank you for calling 356, how can I help you?

Hello

Hello, this is 356, how can I help you?

Yeah, is this a Korean restaurant?

Yeah, Korean barbecue restaurant.

Oh, yeah, that's good.

Yeah, I like to go ahead and eat my meal when I'm there.

But do you guys have the setup in the bathroom at all?

Bathroom?

Yeah, I heard that in South Korea there's a problem with cameras in the bathroom.

No, I don't think so.

This is South Korean restaurant, right?

Barbecue restaurant.

Yeah, okay.

Are you Korean?

Yeah.

Do you know the men that put the toilet, they put the cameras in the toilet in Korea?

No, I have no idea about it.

Don't worry about that.

Don't you keep up with the homeland?

Don't you keep up with the news there?

I'm coming.

Oh, yeah, I'm coming.

I'm coming.

Yeah, we don't have any cameras, so you don't worry about it.

No, no camera in the toilet, okay?

No.

No camera in the toilet, okay?

Okay, thank you.

Bye.

Okay, hey, can I make an order?

Pickle.

If you care, stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.

god damn it woman what's up everybody madhouse radio thank you all for joining me indeed i ain't

going anywhere well thank you for joining sorry for the delay with starting the show and sorry

for the weak ass attempt at a prank call there to the koreans they don't respect me those koreans

you know they got no respect i'll call a different korean place give me a second let's try to get

at least a funny haha or let me take a look at parkman numbers we got tons of stuff we can do

tonight uh i'll try to go extra innings you know since i had a bit of a delay like a 20 minute

delay i'll have to get special dispensation from the wife machine in order to do that

yeah we got a whole theme to our music tonight anyway hey guys look it's madhouse radio for

september 6th or something like that 96 69 backwards that's when your parents fart in

each other's faces in bed 96 if you can't stand the dick get out of my boxer bitches if you don't

want to get fucked don't come to chicago thank you for calling dave and buster's now at dave

and buster's we can help you in creating a perfect event take some one while i transfer your call

yeah the one did it guys the one like my dick straight up and down it only takes one dave and

buster's special events this is diana how may i help you hi honey baby how are you doing big diana

it's good to talk to you again how may i help you oh yeah we're looking to stage an event there

We're super excited.

Okay.

When are you looking to set that up for?

For next weekend, Saturday the 15th.

Is there a separate bathroom for special events,

or do we get to share and partake in the public toilets?

Oh, yeah.

No, we actually, at this location,

we just have our main restrooms that are in the back of the,

like towards the back in the game room.

Okay.

And I'm here, I'm taking notes, you know,

because I'm supposed to come up with a port to put a bid in

and see if we're going to – we're a bunch of toilet enthusiasts,

so we kind of just have some questions here.

Let me write this down.

All right, so you've got main toilet machines.

In the men's room, how many stalls are in there?

How many commodes?

I'm not sure.

You actually want to talk to one of our managers probably for that,

but he's actually in the middle of an audit right now.

Diana is saying she's too stupid to help me.

what do you use the women's restroom there i'm sorry what was that do you use the women's

restroom there i'm sorry um i'm gonna have to refer you over to our front desk hang on one

second hurry up diana transferred me to the front desk because she's a stupid woman i'm just taking

notes oh no we're gonna get banned from the youtube oh no you don't no no no no no no no

no no no no no no no no no i don't go for it when they try to get me to play the music that

i'm not supposed to play matt hillock used to play this all the time hello hello yes i love that

whole music how are you doing this is the front desk yes what was your name bonica bonica at the

the front desk answer the call okay i'm calling regarding some questions we have we want to host

an event there for a gathering but we have some questions about the facilities is that okay

that's fine oh okay uh are you familiar with the men's room here i've never been inside it

okay is there any is there a man around maybe or can i ask you about the women's room then

Yeah.

All right.

How many commodes are in the women's room?

There is ten.

Ten toilet machines.

Okay.

All right.

And are these tankless toilet machines, or do they have the tanks on them?

They're like the pool ones.

They're like pool ones, whatever that fucking means.

Okay.

All right.

Are there dividers in between the toilet stalls?

Yes, there's dividers.

Yes, dividers.

Okay.

All right.

All right, is that a wood divider, plastic, or metal?

Wood.

Excellent.

Okay, is there an electrical outlet in there?

No.

No electrical outlet.

All right, so we'll have to bring in an electric drill then in order to get through the wood.

Do you have like a long extension cord we can use, or should we just use it?

Yeah, I believe we do.

All right, good.

Okay, all right, that's good, that's good.

Are there any urinals in the women's room?

No.

Okay.

Sounds good.

All right.

And are the women's room next to the men's room?

Yes.

Good.

All right.

So we're going to put a hole in that wall in between the men's room and the women's room,

and we're going to drill holes in between the stalls and the dividers.

Okay?

Why is that?

And we'll patch all this up when we're done.

We're toilet enthusiasts, so we're just booking a party, but your toilets here,

Your public bathroom here is highly rated on the website ToiletGrope.com.

So we wanted to go ahead and come in and partake in that.

But, you know, we're some enthusiasts, so we need to install some cameras.

Is there an Internet?

Is there Wi-Fi here, free Wi-Fi?

Yes.

Free Wi-Fi.

Good.

All right.

So we're going to be putting up some Internet-enabled cameras also.

We're going to have to fit about four of them.

They're not very big at all.

Do you have a ladder we can borrow to use that, or should we bring our own?

Okay, I can't be answering these questions.

If you want to talk to your manager, I could go ahead and get them for you.

How long is it going to take?

Because I already had the hold a long time, and the music you play gets me in trouble.

Well, these sound very intimate questions that a manager should be asking,

and I don't think we could be doing some.

Intimate?

Yes.

Do you know what you're talking about?

Are you just throwing spaghetti at the wall?

Do you know what?

Jesus Christ.

Intimate.

Intimate questions, everybody.

Hey.

Well, thanks for tuning in today, as I said before.

That was an okay prank call.

Good, good.

All right.

Before I get my links out, I want to get this out.

If you hear the music playing, we got a Chicago meetup.

We're going to be meeting in Chicago sometime in the near future, in the next 10 weeks.

We have a meetup.

It's going to be on October 20th.

No, I'm kidding.

It's not.

All right, listen.

The truth is, next weekend, Saturday the 15th, there is going to be...

I had to bring my mic up.

It was low.

We're going to have a meetup.

I'm super excited about that.

It's going to be in Chicago.

I don't know if I'm supposed to say where we're meeting up.

What's it called?

Lincoln Square, Lancaster Square, Lebanese Square, shit.

You see what I mean?

It's called Jaya.

Maybe Jaya will pick up.

I asked him if I could call him, and he didn't answer.

He didn't say I can't call him, right?

Hang on.

Logan Square.

There you go.

Logan Square.

So from what I understand, at noon, noon, noon, next Saturday, September 15th, meet us over at Logan Square in Chicago.

We're going to be doing a meet and greet type of thing.

We're going to grab some beers.

We're going to be hanging out someplace.

And it's all planned out.

It's going to be super cool.

I don't know how many people are going to make it because it was short notice, unfortunately.

Unfortunately, now, we got Jaiad is the main force behind planning this.

We also got Dwight McClanahan.

I'm going to be riding, dude.

This is going to be great.

All right, so listen.

Here's my plan.

I'm going to get on a train machine, and I'm going to go to Dwight's house,

and Dwight's going to pick me up right from the train machine,

and then we're going to meet up with AXPA, and we're going to meet up with JAG TV,

and then we're all going to drive together in the same car machine to Chicago,

and then we're going to hang out Friday, and then Saturday,

day we'll be joined by brett carter and matt hillocks matt the walk hillocks is going to be

there did i say brett carter i did jayad's going to be there also man i hope i don't forget anyone

who's going to show up zax was trying to show up but his his passports expired he couldn't make it

he was actually going to do it um i know parkman said he's going to make it also parkman is going

to be there supplies me with numbers that's a great great great great thing that he does for us

um for this show at least anyway what i'm getting at i think he helps brad show out also but no

we're doing a meetup big fucking fat fucking meetup guys it's gonna be september 15th i'm

super excited now while we're talking about that i got a problem all right so look i'm like at this

point i gotta skip a bill in order to pay for the the travel cost because it's expensive as fuck

all right because it's low short notice thank you for that giant it's short notice so i know i ask

a lot from you guys it's bad enough that you guys have to sit here and listen to me when i do shitty

shows like the last two weeks have been you know shit show honestly shit show it's like a gilmore

show like he used to say shit show listen um if you could head over and throw me a couple bucks

two three four five two hundred dollars uh you know not that much but i'm trying to just i saw

i've paid for the stuff but i'm broke as a joke i literally have no money and it's looking now

Now, some people have donated already, because I announced this on Facebook, and I put an ad for it, kind of a little drop, a little promo for the event, along with this e-begging thing.

If you go to madhouselive.com forward slash donate, once again, that's madhouselive.com forward slash donate.

Anything you can give will give me the ability to not starve while I'm out there.

It'll let me help out with the cost of hotels, so I'm not a grifter who's just like, oh, yeah, yeah, I'm here.

Yeah, I'm here.

and I'm not going to contribute because other people have paid for the hotel rooms

and I'm not that guy, but it hit me, the travel costs,

and it hit me in a pretty not as economically fortuitous time of the year for me

in my career right now, unfortunately, several factors.

So I blame the dark state.

That being said, if you can help me out, madhouselive.com forward slash donate.

And there are donators, and I wanted to give these donators thanks.

thanks mst3clay donated uh also a listener by the name of kevin donated a very gracious donation i

really appreciate that good sir or ma'am um shit and then now i don't i can't find the website that

tells me who's donated what oh there here it is here it is okay uh jack heliquin has helped out

i don't want to give the amounts out because i don't want to you know bring trouble on people

uh okay i don't want to give last names out either so big alex uh gave a donation here now

Now, he did this donation on Super Chat, which is cool, but just keep in mind, if you

donate on the YouTube Super Chat, and I love you for doing that, if you do it tonight,

I'm not going to see this money until after Chicago, because it takes like a month and

a half to get your money from YouTube.

By the time things settle and two weeks go by and it gets sent through, it takes fucking

a lot.

And then also, Jared Ban also donated.

All those cats, thank you very much.

I'm also going to try to, you know, I want to buy Matt a beer.

I mean, I'll have money to spend, but I'm going to be really tight, you know what I mean?

So anything you can do, thanks, man.

Thanks.

It'll make it great.

I can buy Dwight McClain.

I'm going to buy him a bologna sandwich.

And I got all these pranks.

I'm going to record everything.

I got these pranks I'm going to pull on everybody.

Everyone's going to get pranked by Corralito.

I have a great idea.

Maybe I shouldn't be.

I'm not going to say too much, but I'm going to get them all.

I'm going to be the greatest pranker of all time.

So listen, MadHouseLive.com forward slash donate.

If you can help me out, I will greatly appreciate it.

Thank you.

Love you guys.

I'm sorry I won't do this for another six months, okay?

Asking for all the money.

I won't even promote the Patreon.com slash MadHouse this week.

There you go.

I won't bother you with that.

But please go to MadHouseLive.com and check out all the links there.

Shoutcast, TuneIn Radio, YouTube, broadcasting live video right now of me,

and also broadcasting 24-7.

I'm the inventor of broadcasting your shows 24-7 on YouTube.

That's me right here.

And I also released a new prank on YouTube for the first time in quite a while.

It was our first hold-fail call that me and Dwight pulled off back in November of 2012,

our Thanksgiving show in late November 2012.

It was the first time I did that.

Go ahead and listen to that.

I didn't really promote that much, but I did post it out there,

and I want to start putting some more pranks out there

to let you know where i'm at all right let you know that i'm i'm here i'm not going anywhere

as they say some of these kids say here all right look let's call some more uh korean restaurants

i want to call that shit maybe maybe we should be calling like nike stores and shit right all

right let's try that's a nike camp man gonna work there's a store yes it is you know i've never been

i've never i'm not a big fan of nikes guys i actually do have a pair of nikes now that i wear

when i work out those are the probably ones i'm gonna take to chicago chicago caller you're on

the air hello oh no yeah what are you doing man i'm here i'm sitting i'm getting ready to do a

prank call what do you want man it's like uh it's like the universe is coming to a point it's right

near me yeah the universe is coming to a point what's up are you seeing like the light are you

dying no no dude i live four blocks four f-o-u-r blocks from milwaukee avenue oh from the chicago

thing yeah oh for real nice cool so you're gonna come out or are you gonna be too busy

washing yeah i'm free to go there i mean the universe if we fold time on itself there's gonna

be problems right who is this is this it sounds like legend but this is not legend i don't think

who is this look at the numbers say that again i can't say i don't know i don't get a caller id

you don't have caller id when people call in oh no no it just says mouth line caller now that's

That's all it says.

I mean, I can go back and I can go in the logs.

I can go in the logs.

Oh, God.

Who the shit is this?

I command you to tell me who this is.

Confirm.

God, it's the cab driver.

Oh, it's Sly.

I was right.

I knew it was you, you motherfucker.

What's up, Milkman?

Yeah.

Milkman's on the line.

Did you really not know?

I've been telling these guys all this fall fucking weekend, since the weekend.

Yeah, man.

Legend.

You might hear a plane because it's a plane.

Nike running Fashion Valley.

Yeah, hey, can you turn that plane down, please?

yeah there's a plane going overhead the store can you turn it down uh sure let me just there it goes

i hear it's going down now all right good hey uh what's your return policy because i just saw

something that really upset me on the tv there was a black with poofy hair and he was kneeling

i wonder if people went fucking with him do you know what a colin capernick is capernick capernick

do you know what that is legend yeah do you know what a colin capernick is capernick colina well

Well, I don't know.

It's political.

Yeah, that's it.

That's it.

Speaking of football, we canceled our NFL Fantasy League.

We had the draft by tonight, by this afternoon, and we didn't do it.

Hello?

Oh, I thought there was an answer.

Legend, what can you tell the kids about prank calls?

You came up a few weeks ago on the show.

Here's something that we were talking about, messing with telemarketers.

And we were talking about how didn't you end up becoming friends with some of these Indian telemarketers and shit?

Yeah, to the point where they needed to have people who were complaining

because they'd been roll-called by this number over and over again.

Ah, sorry.

And if their customers needed to talk to a supervisor,

they would actually transfer them to me.

And I would pick up Roy, the supervisor.

And you're all American-sounding.

That's awesome.

Yes.

Yeah.

yeah

it's legit

though

like

you really

really are

a fucking

oh man

like I usually

do

I go way

over the line

anyway

and

if the

people were

calling

and they were

black

it would go

there

it would

really go

there

and

it was

just

bizarre

but you

started

you started

fucking

around

with them

right

like

usual

yeah

acting

like

like I was just some feeble old person, you know, got a pop-up like all these scammers

do, but I've been doing this for a long time, very long time, and kept on getting calls

from Diabetic Depot or the Indian counter scam part, whatever it was, and then I called

them every day, all day, for more than a year, and they wouldn't block me.

They either could not or would not, and it was just a time killer between calls that

I'd be on the phone with them.

That's cool though

You get to become friends and all that

Yeah well I would become the first call they get

Every day and the last call they get

Nice

So you're making friends

I'm calling out a bouncy house

I don't know what to do about a bouncy house

You know a bouncy house

It needs a good cleaning it says here

Uh oh

Oh I hung up on legend

I hung up on Legend.

I'm sorry, Legend.

Call back, Legend.

Oh, shit, man.

That was unintentional.

Totally unintentional.

All right, this person has a 94 Jeep Wrangler.

Stroker for sale.

Stroker.

Wrangler, I hardly know her.

Here we go.

I got to get focused.

I got to chill is what it is.

I'm wound up.

I'm upset.

This music isn't helping.

Shut up, Isaac Hayes.

You stupid Scientologist, you.

Hello, this is the caller.

3, 6, 9.

Hello, caller.

Yeah, hello.

Yeah, hi, who's this?

Yeah, it's Ian.

I've been on the show in a couple weeks now.

Hey, what's up?

Hi, Ian, you've been missing.

Are you okay?

Everything all right?

Yeah, I just started school.

Oh, nice.

A couple days ago.

Cool, congratulations.

Are you a minor?

Are you under 18?

Or are you like college school?

I'm 17.

I'm in my senior year.

I just started my senior year.

Good, good, good.

Do you want to prom?

You got any plans?

or you're weird about that yeah yeah well i'm not sure i'm a lot of my friend group thinks that's

kind of like lame yeah totally totally we were actually going to go there and just dress up like

slavs as a joke yeah like they don't have a dress dress code or so maybe they do i don't know

meets me they will after you guys go you know yeah yeah that'll teach them i would love i would

really love to go to the chicago thing but uh i don't quite have my license yet you're 17 my

My parents might not like that.

Oh, shit.

I don't know.

I would really love to go, though.

Go to the Greyhound, you know?

What I could do is I could take a train down there.

A train machine, yeah.

But, I mean, I don't want your parents to get all weird, you know?

And we might be doing a load of that shit.

Like, we're going to be drinking beers, you know?

Yeah, it would be good to have you.

We behave around you, you know?

We behave.

Yeah.

Get you a massage, stuff like that.

That would be nice.

Yeah, probably not.

We'd get in trouble.

Hey, I'm going to do a prank call.

you know like i said all right cool here it comes yeah all over you what do 70 year olds like these

days we like just that justin bieber that's right god no this rap like i like a lot of stuff

actually i have a lot of friends that like grateful dad you like post malone yeah not really

i don't know about him hello how you doing you got a jeep wrangler hello hello sir you got a

a jeep wrangler hey stupid right i appreciate that hello yeah hi do you have a jeep wrangler

for sale yes i do yeah i called earlier and you said hello you didn't say anything back could you

hear me oh no i couldn't hear you i couldn't hear you wow i don't know if something's wrong with me

like a problem with me my phone or something no no maybe the phone maybe the phone maybe there's

not good signal where i'm white i'm white okay i'm white um what can you tell me how many miles

on this guy oh which one are you looking at i got two of them yeah the 94 jeep wrangler machine

oh the 94 with the v8 in it yeah fuck yeah yeah it's got it's got 100 and uh 135 000 miles on it

all right not bad not bad what kind of walking you put 5w30 10w30 what's that take uh it takes

uh i put 10w40 in it 10w40 good good good answer good i was just checking you all right this is

is for my son he's about to turn 18 this year you know yeah yeah and i'm gonna yeah i bought

yeah i bought it in florida i paid like 12 grand for it like five years ago oh no shit we're in

florida man yeah and i've added in uh i bought it down in um uh gainesville gainesville home of the

gators yeah my brother yeah my brother lived down there so oh yeah a bunch of assholes live

a bunch of assholes live there you know i went to go visit a vacation and then i drove home

oh nice you just brought it home right back in 1994 wow man that's when the oj thing happened

and everything remember that remember oj remember oj simpson yeah yeah okay all right so how was

the seats particularly are they clean how is what the seats in the car though a false a false

how do you say a false three yeah everything everything in the truck is clean yeah but i

i mean are they rips any rips or tears no no no no no it's perfect okay any farting in there no

nothing no farting in the cushion no do you lift your cheek when you fart or how do you do it

all right whatever he was kind of pissing me off i guess it's all for the best then i can call him

back he probably won't answer damn he probably won't answer i didn't even get to put you on

ian yeah i was looking forward to that that'd be great you got any college plans what's going

going on with college come on man i got a oklahoma sweatshirt in my lap that's where i'm going oh

cool cool you have reached the voicemail box of oklahoma state like the buckeyes you're saying or

no no no that's ohio state see that's yeah all right yeah no oklahoma just regular oklahoma

oklahoma okies yeah fuck yeah oh you oh you what are they ranked uh what are they ranked uh 52nd

in the state country i don't know you probably don't you don't like that football either

I'm a big Wisconsin football fan.

Oh, yeah?

They're ranked number four.

Oh, nice, nice.

I'm a big University of Miami, Miami, Florida fan,

and they got their asses kicked this last week, man.

Fuck, the season's over.

They were ranked, like, what, 18th?

No, fuck it.

They lost to the 23rd rank.

It's over.

They'll probably lose to East Carolina or some dumb shit like O's.

I don't know, man.

I was watching the third quarter.

It was 50-something to 12 or something crazy.

I was like, fuck me.

And then I'm a UCF, University of Central Florida fan

Because that's my alma mater

I gotta support

You know

The fucking

Fucking assholes

Yeah

Fuck yeah

Yeah

Stay on for another one

God damn it

They did pretty good in the tournament.

The NCAA tournament basketball.

Oh, yeah?

Like a few years ago it was.

I think it must have been like 2010.

Off and on, off and on.

They claim, UCF claims to be the national champions in football this year

because they beat the national champions or whatever.

It was a fucking stupid waste of fucking money,

putting up fucking banners and shit all over the place for nothing.

They bought championship rings for all the players.

Oh, God.

Yeah, it's like, come on, man.

Like a participation trophy.

Yeah.

Hello?

Yeah, hey, you got a hot dog cart.

Yeah.

All right, cool.

Is that thing licensed?

Well, I had it out there last year, but I didn't put it out there this year.

Okay, all right, all right, cool.

How does that work?

Is that a propane tank I'm going to have inside of it, or how does it?

Yeah, there's a holder for the propane tank.

Okay, all right.

Can I use butane?

I would just go with the propane, actually.

Yeah, all right.

All right, does that thing get electric at all?

Does it get any electric needs?

I mean, it has no...

Excuse me?

Yeah, you were saying, does it have any electrical needs?

Like, you can put a battery in it probably, right, to run some stuff?

Stupid.

What a waste of a fucking prank.

Oh, that sucks.

What have I wasted?

He was actually going to shoot the shit out of me.

It wasn't even that much.

I've been waiting too long.

You've done a lot worse than people just take it.

I've been thinking about that all week, just going...

Oh, he picked up an army car.

Meet me.

Maybe that'll be the show.

All right, caller Ian, thank you for calling in.

Yeah, man.

Please do check in next week, all right?

Yep.

I'm sorry you can't make it to Chicago.

We're going to San Francisco next year.

Maybe you can come out to that, all right?

Maybe.

Maybe, maybe.

All right, you got it.

All right, man.

See you, man.

All right, cool.

His line's open, 405-396-6884.

405-396-6888.

Wait for it.

four that's the mouth line and you can call it like this motherfucker right here let's let me

fuck hey thanks for calling hi hey dude oh hey dude what's up what's up man not much please

identify yourself well this is uh tyrone tyrone that's not your name but that's cool that's cool

how you doing buddy it's good to talk to you god bless you sir good man yeah i was trying to uh

i was trying to listen to live i was trying to use the number but it's like down dude

what is the number this number you're saying what oh the to listen live yeah man it's it's hit or

miss you know yeah you see i don't pay for it yeah see what i want to do eventually so you

could call the number you called now and it'd be like hit one for uh to join the show hit two to

listen on the go you know what i mean that's what i want to do because it oh yeah it feels like i

got like five six numbers running around and because some people have said i tried to call

whole new show and i thought it was on and no one was saying nothing back to me it was because they

were calling that other line and yeah it's it's a fucking mess i'm a mess i'm a fucking mess all

right uh can i ask how old you are are you uh of the adult age or are you still young yeah i'm 20

dude oh good good good for you you got one year left or less you know till you die i'm legal yeah

till you die bye-bye yeah room for rent we got a room for rent for sober men now it's you because

Because you're 20.

You can't be drinking that stuff.

No, I don't mean...

I don't want you to die.

Guy, don't die, guy.

Don't die, guy.

$145 a week.

Could you afford that?

Yeah, dude.

I make good money.

Nice.

Drive big cars.

Everybody knows you.

It's like your movie star.

Late at night, something ain't right.

You're being tailed by the same sucker's headlight.

Yeah, dude.

You're probably too young for that song.

Look it up, man.

My mind's playing tricks on me by the Ghetto Boys.

That's G-E-T-O Boys.

You have reached the voicemail box.

sorry but I had you on mute

you did what now

I said I focus with your music dude

yeah

that old school shit

yeah that's what I

listened to when I was your age or maybe a little bit

younger you know

this new age music fucking

sucks dude

there's some dudes that are good

now still more of the underground

kind of stuff is kind of good but

man I just I try and I just I get sad

Dad, I get upset about it.

Man, it's just not doing it for me.

Hang on.

It's not the same.

Yeah, it's not the same.

You like to do prank calls or you just like to call?

Call in and be heard.

Fuck yeah, dude.

Let me do a prank call.

Okay.

All right, let me see what I got for you.

Stand by.

Un minuto, por favor.

All right.

I'm going to try that house for rent again.

See if they pick up.

House for rent, $145 a week.

Wow, that's really cheap.

Yeah.

You have to be sober.

Really?

Yeah.

Sorry.

Bullshit.

Probably won't answer.

The next one is a housekeeper job, eight years experience, or I've got a cleaning and odds job.

Cleaning and odd jobs.

You have reached the voicemail box of...

Oh, nobody's picking up yet.

Yeah, this happened last time.

Last week.

It's happening again.

All right, this is for a cleaning job.

up you have reached the voicemail box of two zero three it's a bad night dude i'm just gonna call

stores all right fuck it yeah let's page people you want to page people i don't know about that

let's uh call planet fitness and make them switch the alarm on and shit you want to look alarm call

sure you got it all right let's see they're on to the whole thing they've i've had a few lately

would have been like no we heard about you guys really yeah yeah it's all right we'll try it

sometimes at night you can get someone a dumb girl or something well thanks for calling planet

fitness how can i help you today yeah hi this is mr floods i'm calling from the corporate office

how are you doing tonight doing great how are you good we seem to be having a problem with

the lunk alarm it's not reporting back its ip address we haven't been able to ping it for the

last three hours plus is did you guys lose power anything like that no uh let me flip it on real

real quick hold on all right yeah it works okay um can you go i need you to turn it on for five

seconds and then disable it i'm going to see if i can re-establish connectivity to it please

uh i actually don't know how to disable it no are we it's automatic power it no yeah automatically

yeah it if you have to you have to enable it for you have to turn it on it'll be called we say

enable and for five seconds just count one two three four five and then turn it off come back

to me all right give me a second let me see if i can reach it nope it's not not working all right

so what we need to do is we need to go ahead and have it re-establish this connection to the main

server at the marketing department in connecticut uh are you familiar with that procedure all right

it's pretty easy now first of all do you have a lunk alarm type a which is a switch like a light

switch or type b that is a button you press it's a switch all right you have a type a let me pull

Pull that up here.

Okay.

All right.

I'm going to have you enable the LUNC alarm.

Hello?

There?

Yeah.

All right.

I'm going to have you enable the LUNC alarm.

Is the Coral this fun?

Will this reach to where the switch is?

Yeah.

Okay.

I'll watch from here.

The progress bar go from zero to 100%.

I just need you to enable it.

Keep it enabled until I let you know that it's reset itself.

Okay.

All right.

Just let me know when you're ready.

You want to flip it on now?

In three, two, one.

Okay.

Thank you.

Okay, we're at 10%, 20%.

Okay, I lost connectivity.

Hang on one second.

All right.

We have to start at zero again.

You got it?

All right.

Keep it going.

Yeah, we're good.

10%, 20%.

30%.

Unfortunate.

30%.

All right, you're doing good.

40% now.

I'll tell you, right?

All right.

All right, we're at 50%, 60%.

How come you guys need connectivity with this anyway?

70%.

The marketing department actually uses this information as to what times it goes off,

for how long, and for what reasons.

For marketing purposes, I guess.

They do a lot of data mining on this type of thing.

It ties in with the black card usage.

I guess they can see from whoever's checked in.

It kind of describes patterns as to who sets off the Lunk Alarm or not.

They're thinking about discontinuing the Lunk Alarm progress because of accusations of discrimination.

So marketing has been trying to come up with facts.

in order to kind of just get the judge to not rule in that favor

so that the company can keep the local arms there.

It's a big selling point.

We're at 73%.

It's slowing down now.

Is the light flashing?

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Are there a lot of people there now?

No.

It's just our gym's super open.

It's like everyone can hear it.

Okay.

Sorry.

It's all good.

It should be much longer.

We're at 67% now.

All right.

69%.

All right, 72%.

Okay, okay.

You're doing good.

How are you guys doing?

How are you?

Nice to meet you.

Appreciate it.

Where are we at, man?

I'm sorry.

I thought you were helping members out.

we're at 82 percent it's ramping up now 85 you have to stay up here all right 87 almost there

almost there all right 89 just our life now all right it's stuck at 89

all right keep it going it's stuck at 89 i'm gonna see if i can force it from here

come on come on baby work with me come on come on damn you all right there we go we're at to 91

Is that still going?

Yep.

It's hard to hear.

Are you far away from it?

Yeah, it's on the other side of the gym.

Okay.

95.

We're almost done.

All right.

Yeah.

That's it.

We got it.

Good work.

Yeah.

All right.

Thank you.

All right.

Cool.

All right.

Thanks, bro.

Cool.

Last thing is, are there any black card members we can complete a survey with while we're

here?

I mean, technically, I'm a black card member.

Okay.

They can't be an employee because they actually receive a free month subscription, black card

subscription?

Oh.

or they get an upgrade to a black card subscription if they don't have one now.

Okay.

Yeah, so if you just ask whoever's around, unfortunately, I can't offer it to you.

I understand, but the employees are ineligible.

Do I have to?

I really don't want to bug a member right now.

Well, just let them know they get two months free membership, actually.

It says, hey, do you want two months free membership?

It's a three-question survey.

Hang on one second.

Thank you, sir.

All right, so we're waiting here.

I lost the caller.

I would have kept it going if it wasn't for the simple fact that the fucking thing wasn't loud enough.

It wasn't that funny.

You could kind of hear it, you know, but meh.

So we're waiting here right now.

I feel like I'm the one that's doing dope.

Can't keep a steady hand because I'm nervous.

Anyone wants to call in?

405-396-6884.

I think I'm being hung up on.

Hello?

Yes, hello.

Hi, this is the manager.

pleasure um so sorry yeah we're not gonna go and ask anybody um if they want any free services

it's not a free service and i'm the one asking the questions here do you understand

excuse me i said i'm the one that's asking the questions here do you understand um so yeah thank

you for calling goodbye all right ignorant whatever fine there we go that was worth it right

yeah yeah yeah everybody yeah hey look along the call another thing that i invented because i'm so

so fucking talented and smart i'm the superior prank caller superior prank call intellect right

here big brain of pranks fucker you so hey everybody thanks for hanging out with me tonight

hoping to perk up here hoping to get some more pickups thank you to that caller who called in

the 20 year old caller who suggested that planet fitness sorry that we lost legend if you want to

call in you may 405-396-6884 just like this homie's doing right here hello caller thank you

for calling who is oh get the fuck down we got in what's up hey did you guys hear we're gonna

we're gonna be in chicago my did you hear could you feel my frustration bubbling to the point i

was like i'm trying to fucking do shit and you're just i keep hearing front things and you're asking

me about knives and i'm doing all the shit and nobody's picking up and i keep calling it and i

I keep calling it.

You must have heard front desk like a hundred times at least.

Front reception?

What the hell is front reception?

Front reception.

Yeah, that really pisses people off.

They hate it.

It's all denies.

I need a new receptionist.

No, I listened to it how many times?

I didn't say a word.

It's the rest of these fucking squares of the bitch, man.

I don't say a goddamn thing.

I just sit and be quiet and listen to it because I only get to talk to my friends.

There you go.

Yeah, dude, it's hard to get in.

Seriously, you guys got lucky because it's just nonstop, this show.

Here in front reception is a lot better than a sharp stick in the eye, I'll tell you what.

Yeah, or like a fax beep, fax screech.

Right.

You know?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's the word.

Nope.

Then we'd all whistle and then it'd be kind of fun.

So that might be better.

Did I miss anything with the announcement?

Also, just telling the people who are listening to Madhouse about what's going on next Saturday.

Oh, breaking news.

My room is booked, so I'm staying overnight with y'all.

Oh, nice.

By hook and by crook.

Mom's had to call and get the cripple room for me.

I wanted to hang out at your place, though.

I wanted to have a beer at the Maddie Studios.

Yeah, we can do something.

No, we don't have to.

It probably smells a little bad there.

No, but I'm saying

It's fucking cool

So I'll be able to do the overnight shit

Cool, we're going to have so much fun

Yeah, so when's Brad getting in?

When's his

Brad says he won't be

He won't be here

Until like 10 or 11

On Saturday?

Scoot me up, yeah

Okay, alright, cool

Scoot me up, bring me

Last we talked

So we'll come in like grand celebrities

celebrities if you guys are already there yeah like yeah like i say if you cats get there before

me i assume you probably will because you got nothing to do um get one of those picnic bench

tables put a chair yep buy it yep yeah if we could get through the damn place i think i need

something to sit on yeah yeah yeah yeah or you can bring a wheelchair it's like you have

everywhere to sit on but you don't want to do that that's i haven't been in a fight man yeah

i don't want to be a man you don't you still have a wheelchair am i oh no yeah it's like it's in

yeah the the guy's got it down in like stores of the bill it's like the building's wheelchair now

last time i went to the hospital they dragged it i was just like facebook was sharing those

those memories with me like that was just a year ago when my leg is locked up and i had to go to

the fucking hospital i was doing better than that haven't been in a wheelchair for the good part of

a year because of my ankle injury it's like you know what i don't want to we have it here and i

don't want to know anything about that fucking thing that was torture man torture my ass always

hurt people don't know wheelchairs hurt your ass man it's not it's not as comfy as you think like

Like, sitting for a minute is nice, or a couple hours, or, like, a day, but, like, a couple

days sucks fucking balls.

Yeah, it does.

It does.

Yeah.

It almost makes it worse for you in the end.

It gets painful.

Yeah.

Like, it feels like your ass is atrophied, you know?

Yeah.

I'm calling on Planet Fitness.

Carlito.

Yes, join the machine.

Yes.

You forgot Keith.

He donated.

He was the one who went through PayPal machines.

Did I say Kevin?

Keith.

Yes.

Keith is, yeah, he went through PayPal.

If anyone, yeah, okay, so here's the thing.

he did it through

should I say that

if people want to do PayPal

if they want to donate to you

through PayPal

that's fine because I'm going to draw the money out

just a couple days

beforehand and I'll just cash you out

when you get here

so PayPal donations can go to

paypal.me

forward slash Dwight PCN

so paypal.me

slash Dwight PCN

I guess just put Carlito in it

just if you're concerned yeah just notate carlito yeah just notate cross carlito and don't put fat

guy because then we still don't know you know donate buy old man hillock some beer there you

go at a madhouse live.com forward slash donate where you can use a visa card or a visa master

card master keep master visa like we like to say here sometimes because those ordering places

really low when we fuck around like that with that master visa bullshit um i still gotta get

at the parkman numbers let me look at some of those before i call another planet fitness you

guys want to hang out for a while milkman couldn't make it tonight unfortunately so

i could use the help i've already violently hung up in your face yeah no he just yeah he just had

a moment he had a senior moment you know i think and he hung up the phone maybe and i said

for real like is he really that elderly yeah he had a senior he had it like he gets confused to

It's like, oh, Vietnam, he starts saying.

Like, that is Vietnam.

Dude, he's just a fucking, he's just a doper.

He's not really that old.

Vietnam, Vietnam.

It's like Milkman, you were born in 1980.

Vietnam!

Well, Lyndon Johnson is a bad egg.

He really is, man.

That's a Simpsons reference.

I can't wait for that.

So, I can't say about that, because we don't want to give 100% where the venue is,

because we're afraid of retaliation from the enemies of the prank call nation.

We don't want that.

Well, be in the loop Saturday night.

So what do people do?

They show up.

People want to meet up.

So what do people do?

They show up at, what's it called, Logan Square?

Is that it?

Logan?

Yeah.

Okay.

And then what?

They need to hit us up on Facebook, Messenger, right?

Just open up Facebook and hit us up on Messenger.

That's cool.

Yeah.

Yeah, and then we'll say, hey, yeah, we'll pick a spot there, you know.

Yeah, you'll know where to go.

You'll know.

The best thing to do is to go to Facebook, and you can go to my Facebook or Dwight's,

anyone who's on this call now, Brad's, et cetera, Jaiad's,

and just put yourself down as RSVP for going to the event.

It's on all of our Facebooks right now.

Oh, yeah.

That would help us out greatly.

Why not RSVP done?

I don't know if the original is on the COMC.

Oh, are they different ones?

Are they different tallies?

I don't know.

I'm just saying that's the one.

That's fucking G-Hat shit is the one that I clicked.

Like, I'm going.

I think when you share it like that, it's all tallied up, I think.

I think.

But anyway, just try to RSVP.

It would be lovely to see all the people there.

Yeah, anyone that can.

Anyone that can make it would be great.

Yeah.

I'm so jealous, man.

I'm so fucking jealous.

Children, feel free to reach in your mom's purse, take out her credit card, and book yourself a flight.

Yes.

You'll be okay.

Yeah.

First class, too.

The next one's in San Francisco?

That's what I'm hoping for.

I hear there's a lot of people like this out there.

Yeah.

If you see me, I'm doing my hand back and forth, like meeting gay.

No, that's okay.

So you might want to watch out for the aides if you go to San Francisco.

Hello.

Yeah, hi.

Hi, you've got the taxidermist company here, taxidermy shop?

Yes.

Okay, I understand that you have to clean out the bowels inside of the animals.

Is that correct?

Do I do that myself?

Pardon?

Do I have to clean out the animals?

Pardon me?

We have some animals that we hunted for and we caught.

We shot them, we caught them.

We took our pictures and we like to get them stuffed.

But when it comes to cleaning them, can we bring the whole thing or do we need to clean them?

No.

No?

You're screwing with me, right?

No, no, no.

We don't know what we're doing.

We were just, we paid $30 each to this hunter out here, and he took us out hunting, and

we, like, most of us, like, we're liberals, and we don't really use guns and stuff, but

we're kind of into it, so we were doing archery, and some of us were shooting guns, and he

was teaching us to hunt, and he said, this is our stuff to, you know, we're like, all

of us, we're like, yeah, we want to get them stuff.

We didn't do anything with these guts.

Yeah.

You know?

Like the bird?

These inners?

No.

We shot an eagle and a grizzly bear.

Sorry, bud.

Yeah, there you go.

Yeah.

I shot an eagle.

Yeah.

Well, you know, if I was you, I'd fry it up and eat it.

Well, it tasted just like chicken.

An eagle egg omelet, god damn it.

Yeah, we had one of them already.

We ate one, and it tasted like chicken, I'll tell you what.

And we had it with a side of manatee.

Yeah, I'm sure it did.

We had it with a side of manatee and sea turtle also.

This is a professional taxidermist, I guarantee you.

We masturbated a Bengal tiger.

Oh, well.

The only thing you missed was a bald eagle, partner.

Well, that's what I said, an eagle, a bald eagle, you know, that's what I said.

That's inappropriate, sir.

Yeah, that's our national icon, by the way.

That's our national bird.

You're disgusting.

Oh, thank you.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

You call yourself a taxidermist?

Are you dead?

You call yourself a taxidermist?

Are you dead?

What do you do with eagles?

No.

probably the type that I hope you're kidding I hope you're kidding me I hope you're kidding me

no I'm dead serious no uh I'll hit you in the head enjoy boy I'll hit you in the head with a

pardon me I'll hit you in the head with a shoe all right I'm glad you're enjoying yourself

done being retarded yeah yeah we're done yeah okay it's pretty shitty enjoy bud I want to be

a little bit retarded.

I still have a little bit

of retard in me.

You know,

just a little bit, though.

No, he's gone.

Is that Dom?

He's talking.

Yes, what's up?

Oh, what's up, Dom?

That's why I was asking

about San Francisco

because, you know,

it's closer by me

and Strangelove

and we want to go see you, too.

Yeah, because I want to see

Milkman and...

All right, this is not working.

The instructions say

to hit six.

but but it's super short notice i would have gone to chicago if i had a more long time you know

thank you thank you thank you this is not connecting god damn it yeah i tried i tried

until uh jayad was the guy yeah it's hard for me it's expensive for me to go and shit because of

that uh the mpaa there's just a call matt you're a big fan of the mpaa jack valente are you there

Matt, hello? Is he pissing or something?

Are you guys there at all?

I tried sending the thingy to the

donate and it said my name was too long.

It said your name was too long?

Really?

Yeah, it said

Mac's number of characters

was 25. I put my name

that's on the card

and it said Mac's character

was 25. I was like, what the fuck is my name?

That's fucking stupid.

I got a long-ass name.

That wouldn't work for me.

That's fucked up.

Okay, that's shitty.

Thanks for letting me know that.

You can do it through PayPal.

You have the alternative.

Yeah, PayPal.

PayPal.me forward slash, I don't have to say forward, right?

PayPal.me slash DwightPCN.

And put Carlito or Cross or something like that in there.

I'll put Big Kulo.

There you go.

Big Kulo.

There you go.

Dwight, Big Kulo's for me.

All right.

I got the Kulo money.

Yeah.

I'm real excited about all this, man.

You have no idea.

To see Brad and all that.

It's going to be great.

I'm jealous, dude.

You'll make it next time.

We'll do it in San Francisco.

What do you think, Matt?

You're afraid of the gays, you said, right?

Matt's not here.

He stepped out.

All of our operators are currently busy.

They're much, much pooing.

His trousers are down.

Make poo come out of his mouth.

It must be the wastewater and frisco.

It's the homeless people.

Wait while I transfer your call.

Operator?

If not available, record your message at the tone.

When you are finished, hang up or press pound for more options.

Oh, I hung up on the wrong people.

No.

I hung up on the wrong people.

All right, guys, call in quickly.

Quickly call in.

I won't give out the number.

I'll just do a call.

Donald Trump visit calls.

Huh?

Donald Trump is visiting Montana this evening.

Really?

Call these restaurants to say Trump needs.

Okay.

One table with six chairs away from...

Okay, all right.

No spoilers.

No spoilers here.

Let me get to that.

I'm sorry, guys.

Call back, please.

That was an accident machine.

Thanks for calling Montana.

We're in company.

This is Corey.

How can I help you?

Yeah, hi.

I'm calling with the advance team for Donald Trump.

He's going to be visiting this restaurant if you're able to accommodate.

Yeah, what can I do for you?

Okay, we have several requirements, first of all.

Okay.

They're light requirements, so don't get too concerned about it.

First of all, what are your normal operating hours there?

So we serve food until 11 normally.

Okay.

And the bar is open until 2.

Okay, bar until 2.

Okay, well, he doesn't drink, so that's not going to be a problem there.

Okay, don't worry about it.

For sure.

No problem.

Sorry, I'll turn that down.

All right, so you have something to write this down with.

Yeah, give me one second.

I will have something for you.

All right, one table with six chairs away from windows.

Okay.

Two forks, one spoon, one knife.

And we'll need to witness sanitation of those before they come out.

Okay.

All right, one cloth napkin from the middle of the stack.

Two servers, preferably including one minority.

This is a big preferably.

Okay.

All right, no photography by employees or guests.

okay uh agent will witness food prep and cooking if that's allowed he will wear a hairnet if

necessary okay uh yeah oh hey buddy the agents are here just a minute guys cooks will need to

wear new hygienic gloves okay all right and known democrats and liberals will need to leave the

restaurant okay well we have a list of those in this town they're not allowed to be there

i'd like to fax that over to you do you have a fax machine i don't have a fax machine okay

Okay, we'll bring it ahead of time.

We'll just need to have them rounded up and taken out, okay?

Okay, no problem.

All right, do you have any plastic ties to tie hands with?

If I have any, no.

Okay, good.

That's a good answer.

Okay.

All right.

The lavatory there, is it a bunch of stalls?

Is it like several commodes?

We have just one stall and then two urinals.

Okay, good.

And it's clean?

It's good in there?

Nice and clean?

Yep.

Yeah, we'll make sure it's top to top.

Okay, all right.

Do you have a minority server?

There's not one currently working is the only issue.

Oh, no.

That might be a deal breaker.

Do you have any, like, black grease you can put on someone's face?

I don't have that.

Do you have at least one with the big bosoms?

Do you at least have one with big bosoms and big sexual organs?

Yeah, I think we could do that.

Okay, all right.

Will you be there?

Yes.

Okay, and how big are your sexual organs?

Huh?

How big are your sexual organs?

How big are mine?

I don't know.

I don't know if that's a sweet call.

No.

Okay, so I think I'm going to hang up now.

No, POTUS is very intimidated.

Okay.

Wait a minute.

Is that a prank call?

Now?

At that point?

Is this a prank call?

Please, come on.

I'm saying.

That's like asking a prostitute.

If you're a cop, you got to tell me, you know?

I'm asking him to have them put grease on their face.

Steak grease on their face to make them in blackface, basically.

Come on, man.

What was it?

I liked it.

uh hey this is sarah jean saying she loves me thank you all right is she coming to chicago

i don't know coming to the meetup on next Saturday and what caliber gun you have you can

buy her a beer people are buying me beer or old hillock no you gotta buy someone a beer man come

on i saw you wearing ralph lauren jockey shorts so what's up i love you saying jockey shorts hello

Like some of my mommas says.

Yeah, hello?

Jockey Shorts.

Hello?

Is this Jockey's Steakhouse?

What?

Is this Jockey's Steakhouse?

Jake.

Jake Steaks?

This is Cross.

They're calling to make an order.

One moment.

Okay, honey.

Hello?

Yes, hello.

Is this Jockey's Steakhouse?

No, this isn't.

What is this then?

Jake.

Okay, did you not understand maybe that was a mistake there?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, ignorant.

I'm ignorant.

I'm lazy.

I just want to hang up the phone.

I wanted to make an order, please.

All right, what would you like?

One table with six chairs away from the windows.

She sounds like she's not good at her job, sir.

No, she doesn't.

She's not good at her job at all.

Two forks, one spoon, and one knife.

All right, she's gone.

She's out of here.

Jockers.

But yeah, like the only time I ever hear Jocky Jockers.

Yeah, it's when you're wearing them.

Hello?

Matt?

Matt!

I didn't hang up on you.

Where are you?

Where are you guys?

I didn't hang up.

i didn't hang up i didn't hang up they're still connected i don't understand guys talk if you

could talk talk if not drop okay i'll disconnect hopefully i get the call back well that was jake

steakhouse now we're gonna call wild ginger hello hi yes i just seen your ad on craigslist i don't

have an ad on craigslist for tv no no oh yeah i got an ad for tv yeah yeah do you still have it

yeah oh okay um where are you located where are you from uh i'm i live in here though oh really

yeah are you like hispanic or something no i'm not are you black yes oh yeah we don't have a tv

oh okay you know for you people we don't have tv you know oh really yeah um and what you people

meaning what what do you think i what did i ask before i said that you asked me was i black but

but what does that have to do with anything?

I'm sorry.

That means that we don't have TV for you.

You don't have the TV for me because I'm black?

Well, you know, you have certain oils on your skin,

and if you come here to get the TV,

you're touching things and the oils stay on the surfaces here.

Oh, really?

Really, really, really?

So why don't we try to work that out?

Where is the address in Bill's teeth?

How about that?

Where's what?

What is the address, and why don't we just give it a try?

Let's give it a try.

I don't want violent people to come to my house.

You don't want violent people to come to your house?

Yeah, you sound agitated, very agitated.

I sound agitated?

Yeah.

Oh, really?

And you people have a history, so, you know.

Do you people have a history?

Do you want to meet at a public location?

Wow.

Have a history.

Wow.

You know something?

Well, numbers don't lie.

Like you guys say, ball don't lie.

Numbers don't lie.

Do you know something?

I know a lot of things.

You know one thing.

You try to be so professional, but you know what?

you motherfuckers which is you crackers you know because that's what you are sir don't need to be

racist you know no need to be racist i bet you any time of the motherfucking day if me and you

screwed up i would beat your ass no you sound really effeminate so no i bet you that no you

sound like you sound like a church going black guy i bet you that i bet you that you understand

you will always be beneath us you know why because you motherfuckers have still not evolved

you're stupid and you're ignorant and you're uneducated and your mother's a bitch and so

is your grandmother and they should have raised you right yeah hey name one name name one black

country that hasn't had to has been successful you understand name one black country african

country you understand you fucking skinhead die of cancer i'm not a skinhead i'm not a i'm not a

and you're ignorant and your mother's a bitch and so is your you see you see how you people are

you see where you go dad i talk about your mother did i talk about your mother

bitch i can't hear when you when i'm talking and you're talking i can't hear what you're

saying stupid so it's like you're not saying it you're illiterate and you're stupid i'm not i've

been speaking great illiterate no you've been using many contractions in this in this conversation

You know what happens?

You build bombs in your fucking basement.

You sniff coke, okay?

Bombs in the basement.

And you suck helium to get high.

I suck helium to get high.

Okay.

No.

Okay.

I drink whiskey.

You're stupid.

You're stupid as fuck.

And you're uneducated.

And you die.

You're going to die a horrible death.

Look, I love black culture.

I love the NFL.

You're going to die a horrible death.

You're illiterate as fuck.

No, you probably just cry like a bitch and piss your pants.

Oh, really?

Yeah, and just in your tight little jeans.

Let's make that happen.

And your Nike shoes.

All right, come on.

Come on, son.

Let's meet at Walmart.

Let's go.

Let's meet at Walmart?

What Walmart would you like to meet at?

You name the Walmarts, I'll be right there.

Let's go, let's go.

What Walmart would you like to be at?

Come on, Papi.

Let's ask this question.

What kind of car do you drive, sir?

What kind of car do you drive?

Why?

Are you going to steal it?

Let's ask that.

Do you live in a house?

I drive an Audi, first of all, all right, buddy?

You drive an Audi?

Oh, okay, and I drive a fucking Lexus.

No, you don't.

Yeah, the black man's Audi.

I drive a Lexus.

The black man's BMW.

What are you saying?

I drive a Lexus.

The black man's BMW.

Yeah.

I drive a Lexus.

Do you drink Sprite?

When you go to McDonald's, do you drink Sprite?

You drive a Volkswagen.

No, I don't.

I drive an Audi.

You drive an Audi, which is a souped-up Volkswagen.

That's a bitch car.

No, it's not.

It's better than a Mercedes and a BMW put together.

I drive a Lexus.

Uh-huh.

Okay?

Yeah?

Okay.

That's a Toyota.

It's a souped-up Toyota, dick neck.

That's what you drive.

Let's do that.

You drive a Toyota.

Let's do that.

Uh-huh.

Let's do that.

What do you live in?

You can't even buy American.

I drive a Volkswagen Audi.

What do you live in?

What do I live in?

In a townhouse.

What do you live in?

In a townhouse.

Right now, in a townhouse.

Or do you mean my other house?

Do you mean my other house in North Carolina on the beach?

Or do you mean my other home?

My home at Horse Machine Ranch.

Really?

In Kentucky.

Which one?

Really?

Yeah.

Really?

Really.

Yeah, really.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

It sounds like a crock of shit.

No, it doesn't.

You want to come over and I'll show you.

You sound like a bitch nigga.

You understand?

I'm not an N-word.

I've never used...

You're the one using racist words.

You know better yet, you're a skinhead.

I'm not.

My grandpappy fought in World War II against Nazis, and I'm not a Nazi.

Oh, you said you fought in what?

What did you fight in?

My grandpappy fought in World War II against Nazis, and I'm not a Nazi.

And he died a horrible death.

No, he just died a week ago at the age of 98.

oh he died yeah he didn't get the sickle cell and die he didn't get the sickle cell and die

he didn't die of cardiac arrest like you people you know why i'm glad to see that he's dead

because it's a less motherfucker like you wanted he lived a longer life than you did

he got more pussy than you did you're next you're next i bet you he was a fucking kookamonga

cracker killer i bet you he was one of those two i bet you he was one of those you know what

You'll be dead if you meet me at Walmart

Oh really

Yeah you'll be next

I guarantee you like I told you

You don't want this war

You understand

I'm right here

I'm standing right here

You are a stupid prick

You're a stupid prick

And you're never going to be shit

And if you have kids

They're never going to be shit

You understand

You're never going to be shit

My kids are getting all my money

So they're actually going to be pretty well off

to start out with.

You're not going to get shit.

There they are.

It's already in the will.

Because their father

was a fucking cokehead.

I don't do drugs.

I don't do.

That's what you are.

No, I smoked marijuana once

in the 1970s

and I didn't like it.

You're ignorant

and you're belligerent

and you're stupid.

I've been quite educated

this whole call.

You're ignorant

and you're not educated.

What's the proof?

You're not.

Give me your proof.

You're not.

Listen, boy.

Give me your proof, boy.

You're not educated.

You're very uneducated.

Okay, I'm successful, but I'm successful.

You're successful?

What is your occupation?

What do you do?

Bitch, I work for the state.

Lazy state worker living off the state, living off the tit, living off the state tit.

Bitch, I'm salary.

You ain't shit.

What is your occupation?

You ain't shit.

I'm a horse breeder and I'm a stockbroker.

Oh, really?

You're a stockbroker.

And I teach computer programming from my home also.

it's hard to believe that you teach anything

because you're a fucking prick

so it's hard to believe that you teach anything

and you're looking for free TVs

who the fuck would want you

teaching anything with your

uneducated belligerent ass

who would want that

I have about 80 students

per semester so there's your answer

you have about 80 students and they sit and listen

to your stupid uneducated ass

I'm very educated

I have plaques on my wall

Well, I even have the key to the city, sir.

I even have the key to the city.

You're belligerent.

You're belligerent and you're stupid.

I'm belligerent?

You're interrupting me consistently.

I'm belligerent.

You're cursing.

You're belligerent.

Yeah.

No, bitch.

No.

You haven't been belligerent yet.

No.

Jesus.

This is a hell of a bitch.

You sound like RuPaul.

And you're uneducated.

You talk like RuPaul.

You have no type of knowledge.

Right.

Whatever degree you have, you should shove it up your ass.

Do you wear extensions?

extensions it doesn't stand do you wear extensions do you have good hair just like you why do you

like that you know i heard that you cuckold like shit like that no not for me not for me i heard

that you like shit like that you're probably a fucking cuckold you like shit like that no i'm

a bug chaser oh really oh really yeah really sounds intriguing yeah sounds intriguing so

why don't you be my fucking cuckold bitch i'm a top how about that i'm a top that's the problem

about the top oh you're a top yes but you probably have a three inch dick because you know most white

men do no not this one not even circumcised you're probably not i am i am why you're uneducated

you're stupid and you have a little dick that's horrible you're mutilated were you mutilated by

your family is that why this anger is about you were circumcised your parents had you mute i'm

sorry not your parents your mother your father wasn't there shut the fuck up your father wasn't

there so your your mother had them cut your penis when you're correct you let me correct you my

parents have been married for 36 years buddy yeah but let's fix that let's fix that sorry but not

your biological father sorry sorry me and my siblings have the same mother and father that

have been married for over 30 years how about you buddy do you believe in jesus how about you do you

believe in jesus yeah you people who believe in jesus don't talk like you do sir i'm gonna pray

I'm going to pray for you.

I'm going to pray for you, brother.

Really?

You're going to pray for me?

Yeah.

But you should pray for me.

You should pray for that three-inch dick.

Yeah, you see?

This is the problem.

This is what Minister Farrakhan talks about, how ignorant some of your people are.

You know that we take your women, right?

Your women love our big black cocks.

You know that, correct?

Yeah.

You know that.

Because you can't do shit.

Are you married?

Because you force it on them.

Are you married?

Because you force it on them.

You're married?

Yeah.

Are you married?

Well, we force it on them, right?

Yeah.

We force it on them?

Mm-hmm.

How is it that we force it on them?

I'm not married.

That's a stupid move to get married.

You're not married.

Why would I get married?

I bet I understand why.

I bet I know why you're not married.

No, I just fuck.

I bet I know why.

You can't fuck because you have a little dick.

I fuck girls and guys.

Oh, you do?

Yeah.

Oh, really?

I knew you was a cuckold.

And I'm the ignorant one?

And I'm the ignorant one.

And you have that...

That's how you...

You're a non-educated cuckold.

right right yeah but you're shocked that i might be bisexual though right oh really you're bisexual

yeah is that too much for you yeah how ignorant are you that that's a big deal how ignorant are

you so wait do you get fucked by men too no i'm a top remember the part where i said i'm a top

stupid you're a top and what exactly is a top go ahead explain that to me you know what a pit like

a pitcher like the man that puts the penis in the ass only i don't really yeah i'm not i'm the

aggressor i'm not the passive part you know what you're so ignorant and stuff i will probably

believe that you have aids and you're really upset no i'm on prep i'm on the prep yeah oh

so you're on prep oh you really are a nasty motherfucker well i mean you gotta be careful

out there i'm a fucking i'm a fucking rock star i get so much pussy and ass you really are a nasty

motherfucker you're on prep you're a nasty motherfucker it's a dude i'm responsible

responsible i get laid so much i'm responsible you get laid uh-huh get laid yeah you're a nasty

motherfucker wow i have natural urges yeah i'm a nasty motherfucker okay okay all right michael

pence okay who is michael you don't even know who that is you don't even know who michael pence is

he's the vice president of the united states obviously you don't yeah really yeah you must

You must be a Donald Trump supporter.

Sure.

Hey, who's the energy secretary?

Tell me.

You must be a Donald Trump supporter.

Who's the energy secretary of the United States?

Rick Perry.