What Have We Learned – 9/20/18 Show

I'm in the streets listening to Madhouse Live.

I hope my speech can compete with that bad mouth style that we get from Carlito.

That's my big amigo.

So just kick back to listen to this cat call people when the show goes live.

I be like, damn, this shit's bitchin'.

Stop whatever I'm doing to tune in and listen.

You can catch me in the back of his home at Horse Machine Ranch Road.

I'm busting mad fat flows for assholes and banchos.

My spit crazy.

Shout out to Big Amy.

That's nice, honey baby.

We kissing pussies, so ladies, set your labia.

It's crazy.

Have the stuff that my bruh might say to ya

Face it, cause it's the number one prank cast

Stay back if you can't handle all the straight laughs

That we hand to your dome

And if you want, call the number

You can listen to this show on the go

Big up to the man in the madhouse

He showed up to stick your motherfuckin' hands up

Some come close, but they can't get it right

Let the king do his thing, it's time for Madhouse Live

Big up

Parasite, compassionate, and callous

A reckless hedonist and disaffected malcontent

How can I help you?

Yeah, God damn it.

Hello?

Pardon me?

Can you hear me?

God damn it.

What do you need, sir?

Oh, well, I was calling because you know that Jose that works there?

Jose?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Is he there now?

No.

Why?

Stupid.

The audio sounds fucked up, man.

Fucking, fucking, I blame GI for this.

And me dragging a fucking studio equipment to Chicago for no fucking reason.

The fucking shit.

Now the phone sounds all weird.

God damn it, really.

really shit so i wasn't saying nothing funny because it was taking a while to get the shit

to go look i wanted it to i think it needs some bass some basses hey i was calling earlier about

a jose that works there okay which one uh the hispanic one which one well i don't know i mean

well how do you want how do you want to describe him how do you want to describe him what do i

tell you we have two of them what is his last name i don't know does it have the last name on the

on the id on the name tag it doesn't right the bus boy they're all the same they come out to

the table like i don't know what you say like the which one well we have two of them okay we have a

server and we have a server it tastes like hot dogs you know the one stupid woman you hear that

just like beeping and shit it's all over modulated man i blame jayad for this shit because this shit

was perfect and he made me put the shit in a fucking bag and then he didn't fucking use it

no one fucking used it jayad if you're listening now i'm upset with you and i'm upset with uh

mad hillock too no i'm not it's not jayad's fault i know what i'm doing i'm a big boy

let's see if i can connect people on skype let's see if this works i don't know i don't know i

don't know i'm ignorant anyway madhouse radio for september 20th that's a thursday we're still

Still doing shows on Thursday.

I'm Carlito.

I'll be your host for tonight.

I got like a brain funk because I kind of started a keto diet and I'm in a serious ketosis, headache, keto flu kind of thing.

I don't feel good at all, you know, so I'm hoping that I'm able to manage.

I can't guarantee how long I'll go tonight, but we need to at least talk about shit.

Hi.

Hello.

Hey, how do you hear me?

Yes, hello.

Can you hear me now?

Yes, I can hear you.

Oh, good. Now, how do I sound?

Oh, you sound fantastic.

Oh, good, good. I got you on one side, but I can fix that.

You just keep talking, and eventually I'll fix it.

So, how you been?

Uh, pretty good, pretty good. Just got home from the gym and out of the shower machine.

Oh, long time no see, right?

Yeah, fucking right.

Yeah, right, right. Who should I add here to see if they answer? I guess, uh...

Maybe Jag, I don't know.

do jayad he's probably changing diapers let's see jack i'll add uh dwight that's you i'll add uh

matt uh i'll add brad he was there i didn't prepare hey big matt how you doing hey let me

turn up here what's up turn down the radio hey everybody i didn't know you're gonna be calling

Follow me.

Well, I'm doing a show.

I'm driving.

Yo, Bob answered.

What's up?

Oh, what's up?

What's up, yo, Bob?

What's up?

Over there.

Hey.

What's going on?

Good.

No, I'm doing a show, and I thought I'd jump on, and I thought we could shoot the shit

about how Chicago went down, I guess.

Do a little ketchup?

Yeah.

Ketchup?

I hardly know her, you know?

Ha.

Dude, he needed her.

I mean, we're about to go to karaoke, and I'm driving right now.

Oh, you're in the karaoke.

karaoke damn yeah i'm jerking off at the wheel yeah so just to recap so everyone knows we all

of course met up we had a chicago meetup how many people showed up at that place you say

between 20 and 30 right i'm gonna say about 25 total there were some people that uh that

couldn't stay they just came in for an autograph and pictures there was this one guy that came in

That's so Brad can sign his little

fucking caller ID box or something.

That was neat. An original caller

ID.

Hey, is Milkman here?

Milkman is not here, no. Not tonight.

Damn it. I wanted to tell him.

He should be on that tomorrow.

Tomorrow, next week, rather.

Excuse me.

That's what tomorrow morning has to do to you.

Oh, yeah.

Nobody got the herps

because these old ladies were all

asleep that uh massage that fucking hell there was a massage envy guy was did he is he the one

that got the shit signed it was that obviously gay masseuse that came in just to see brad real

quick he's like oh yeah i'm here my lunch break i work for massage envy it's like okay hey man

you're obviously you know really into brad cool uh that's kind of flattering yeah yeah

Are we going to talk about the hotel sex or what?

Is that private?

Is that you guys really didn't go to sleep?

You just threw me out to hug each other?

We wanted to have an orgy, homie.

I'm sorry.

Well, it's like Casey Jones' crazy ass.

He's like, I'm going to show you how we party in Chicago.

It's like when we're all leaving to drive home at 9 o'clock in the morning.

I don't want to talk about that.

We can't be doing that.

That was a dark side of Jag I don't want to talk about.

Oh, yeah.

So, all right, so I'll start out.

Like, I don't know when you guys left.

When did you guys meet up, Dwight and Jag?

Like, at what time?

Was it Friday?

It was Friday, right around 1 o'clock we set out for Chicago.

Jag, of course, left a lot earlier than that.

Right.

Yes.

I left before.

Four hours.

I left 2 p.m. the day before on a train.

That was fun.

I could not imagine that.

You were taking a shit.

I know that.

I've seen the video.

he's just i didn't take a shit on the train but i said that's where i would take a shit yeah i was

saying you know you know how i am no i didn't i took no i didn't take i wouldn't take a shit in

the train man it's a ticket taking a shit on an airplane it's just it smells like uh porta potty

like urinal like matt's bathroom i don't want to use that like matt's apartment yeah matt has a

very nice apartment so matt when i finally made hello hey that doesn't smell like piss either it

smells good yeah that smells he had like a really nice candle burning and i was asking hey what is

is that he went that fucking no it's just the smell of the place man mom's doesn't like candles

around so wow it's the smell of rich white people you're tired of holding the fuck rich mahogany

yeah so all right so yeah you gotta go let me tell let me tell my story first because

yo bob's getting tired all right you gotta go i got you go ahead go ahead go ahead all right uh

okay so long story short i i woke up and i put on my socks and i got dressed i brushed my teeth

No, I'm kidding.

Okay.

So I got to Dwight's around probably, yeah, 1 o'clock.

And Dwight wears all the fucking disguises, so I didn't even know.

I was like, are you Dwight?

He's like, hell yeah, I'm Dwight.

So I picked him up.

We almost got ran off the road in Chicago.

We met up with Carlito.

I yelled a cuss word at him in Spanish.

We hugged.

That sucked his dick.

The normal stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I bought a few drinks.

I don't know.

That's my story.

That's it.

I bought drinks to people, and that's about it.

It was great seeing you, buddy.

you have to meet my i love my homie andy you hung out with us that first night too that was kind of

fun oh yeah me and andy hit it off man andy's a great guy i love andy andy started out by calling

you lily white that you were the whitest one there and you're a fucking vampire too

call me a vampire this is true you know my second job i can't talk about it and he goes

what you're a vampire that was fucking smooth yeah and he's he's he's really good at that

very observationalists of him but of himself all i'm gonna say selfless plug youtube.com

slash jack tv network the vlog's gonna be up sometime this week all right got a lot of footage

oh yeah that will be cool okay i'm excited go enjoy your karaoke because you kept trying to

push push it on us all weekend and we're like i know man what is it 1999 you're like no it's 8 30

It's in bedtime.

We can't go to karaoke.

Yeah.

Alright, you guys have a great show.

Thank you for including me.

We'll talk more about other shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Go, bye.

Alright, YoBob wants to say bye.

Bye, Bob Joe.

Bye, buddy.

Hey, YoBob.

YoBob is a good egg.

Hey, buddy.

Alright, big penises.

Vagina. Alright, bye.

sex sex all right so anyway uh matt started out by um as soon as i got off the train freaking

getting me good how did you how did you go about the what did you tell the people in your building

what did you tell them the text i sent my friend i said my friend should be here in about a half

hour um here's a picture of you and i just said just fuck with them yeah uh because there's door

there's like a little entryway and then you gotta get buzzed in and get in the door man

you need to walk up like five steps to get in there's like this marble black marble granite

steps yeah so i get off the train and i think this is on video me explaining this but what the

heck i'll tell you guys now i get off the train and i'm i'm a medical marijuana patient so i'm

traveling with my medicine you know because why not that's what you do even though it's not

legal to travel on the train or i mean even if they have medical in chicago it doesn't matter

because i'm not a card holder there so it's not recognized my medical mess my medical need

let me change this music this music's pissing me off yeah uh i was digging it

done with that anyway so i get out of the train and i'm walking towards map place which is really

it's right there it's right right in front right in the fucking place i just have to cross the

street kitty corner catty catty corner where where you at yeah however you call it so i i noticed

that there's a police dog and a cop undercover cop walking around like well that's probably just

for explosives you know but just in case he's looking for the drugs i'm gonna cross the street

over here and just walk around and then i start walking and you know trying to go a longer way

and then a car pulls up next to me and it's another undercover cop with another dog sniffing

stuff and i'm like okay shit no no fuck so now i gotta walk i had to walk completely around

the whole block like really sneaky suspicious as hell with a really big you ain't you ain't

a crook son you just a shook squad i had a big luggage and a big full backpack and another bag

so i'm suspicious as hell i just got off the train and i so i get to matt's place

and all the doors except for one are locked is that normal i mean yeah yeah usually so how am i

supposed to know what door to open i don't use you don't so that's kind of a lot yeah you're right

i've seen the video carlito did look suspicious as fuck even coming to the building yeah i know

i did but whatever that's just me i'm a shifty looking guy yeah so i get there and there's a guy

guy at the top of these steps with in a black suit with a walkie talkie and he very authoritatively

tells me to put my stuff down and not move and so i put all my stuff down and he makes me take

my hat off and my bluetooth headset and put it all on the ground and then he says look at the

camera and he has me stare right at the camera he said facial recognition and he goes yeah we're

here we see him now we got him i don't know what the fuck like so i'm thinking some asshole out

out there has figured out that i'm going to be on the train at a certain time and going to matt's

right after that and it's called and that's why the dogs are out there because they've said that

i'm a guy matching my description is going to blow up you know downtown chicago or something

we're going to blow up matt's building i don't know something so after a while they keep me

there for like a good what is it like three minutes i don't know it's easily a few i haven't

seen it yet even actually i've only seen this still yeah he was late he was i didn't have a

thumb drive today so yeah and the other day when everybody watched it it took me that whole time

to walk upstairs so sorry no that's fine so then after a few minutes the guy says all right he's

clear all right good you can come up your boy matt was fucking with you and like there's all

these uh all these maintenance people puerto rican maintenance people laughing at me and having fun

and and shit and saying yeah you're i don't know what you did to matt but he wanted to get you

good i'm like i didn't i just came to visit i don't know i don't know what's going on chicago

man that was fucking great it worked so much better because i didn't know you were shook

and i didn't know what i i just said fuck with them i didn't know how they fucking there i thought

they were straight up look like like chicago cops like i would say in the movies you know

what i mean like the untouchables oh yeah and like he's in yeah they're in like like a suit jacket

kid and like my doorman they dressed all sharp yeah i thought he was like some kind of undercover

fucking fbi dude and like i was like some hitman yeah like the game character shit just a black

like plain black suit like business like get a nice fade haircut and shit like uh yeah oh my god

so that was the start so then i had all these plans of pranks i was gonna pull on people

and i kind of ruined that because i was you had some smoothie yeah i had and that was a good

smoothie i can't confirm so matt's movies are good he does a good job he saved me a smoothie

his bathroom is fine i know i joke around a lot about that his house is very nice and clean

his you got to see the workers across the way i did right i saw how they operate i got to see

the willis tower across the street that was cool so we hung out until my my friend andy former

co-host of this show picked me up and we went out we got some i got to meet his family oh i don't

know he was like the old milkman yeah before yeah he started he started the first second week with

me uh oh wow yeah okay yeah because me and andy go way back yeah he he was my co-host until they

moved to chicago from orlando and that was oh okay yeah ever since then he hasn't been the co-host of

the show yep so you know um the phone lines still work in chicago i do shows from chicago

so it's still possible yeah he just he i don't know bring him back i don't know that nice i think

he's over he's a funny dude though oh okay well if you ever want to come on party time uh the

invitations out there if you're listening buddy come on party time right all right so dwight you

You guys almost got run off the road on your way to the hotel.

Yeah, we were no longer than 10 minutes away from the hotel.

And like there was heavy construction, real heavy traffic.

Of course, it was it was about fucking rush hour about that time.

And I shit you not, these semis were merging into our lanes like they didn't give a fuck.

And they fucking literally ran us onto the shoulder to where we actually drove on the shoulder for like the next.

I would say like three quarters of a mile.

like just fucking flying and we weren't the only ones like there was other cars doing it too so

like fuck it and so like jag called him dumbasses at first and he's like well i guess we're gonna

do what they're doing and so he just followed suit fucking like hauling ass behind these guys

down the freeway on the shoulder and um so we eventually get to the hotel after being run off

the road twice and that's when you called and you said you were only about a mile behind us with

andy yeah and uh so we were hauling ass to the hotel yeah yeah so we basically all around the

to the hotel at the same time that was kind of cool we hung out and back we met we did our

greetings then what did we do we went out we're not one fucking we're not yeah well we tried to

go to that comedy show uh but we were fucking around getting ready and we even had free tickets

like the fucking front desk dude was like oh what do you guys got uh lined up for your dinner you

know where you're going we're like oh we're gonna try to go to this comedy show and he's like oh is

this thing pulls out four tickets for free admission we're like well fuck yeah well here

here we go that's the one we're going to yeah we had free tickets but then we started looking and

it's like two drink minimum must pay something something fee yeah it's like five two like two

or three bucks at the door two drink minimum and all this shit you know gi he wasn't drinking at

all the entire trip right so yeah so we're like uh you know and by the time we got there it was

like 8 30 and they're like oh well we can't get you into this show i can get you into the 10 30

show and we're like we're figuring it's gonna be like fucking one o'clock by the time we get back

to the hotel room we're like fuck that yeah because like matt said we're old men and we

we can't stay there yeah yeah we really couldn't we really could not hang like we were both that

first night we were done by 11 the we were uh we hit up the hotel bar first uh that's right yeah

we did go to the hotel bar first and then we drank it we had dinner and drank i had i had a big beer

sort of jag i don't know jag had like fucking at the bar at the hotel bar he had like two shots

shots like two or three beers and then we went out to eat and he drank like a big ass beer and

like had another beer yeah yeah yeah yeah we did a lot of i did a lot of drinking i know that matt

obviously does a lot of drinking on a daily basis yeah i probably had about i would say six beers

over the two days right so that all right so the next the next day we had our meetup which went

really well like we said we had like 25 some people showed up it went amazing it was great

meet all those people park man showed up in a madhouse shirt oh yeah until we're standing

outside waiting for this place to open at the wrong fucking entrance yeah and uh as we're

standing there jihad's fuck he's a dumbass parks in the bank parking lot like customers only

gets an orange toe sticker slapped on his fucking uh window we would only he'd only been there about

10 minutes i mean they were on top of it yeah so like he's out there driving his car around

circling trying to find a spot like blocks away has to get his valuables out and leave his window

down so that fucking tag is invisible he doesn't get towed on the streets now

any of this yeah it's not that he was just driving looking for parking all right he made

me come outside on the phone with him and people are arriving to this event and i'm wanting to do

my meet and greet kind of shit and then so i'm having to find him and vector him in the road

he's like asking me so where do i go from here like dude i don't know i'm not from here i don't

know and i'm the worst at directions yeah i can't there's a reason i'm not driving all this weekend

i get real bad driving fucking anxiety i can't do it during this time i was standing on the street

peeing in my piss bottle while brad said let's make a prank caller wall so nobody sees matt

but he was the only one to visit okay yeah so that's where i got real mad at jayad because

Because, you know, I'm pointing out an obvious spot to him.

He's right in front of me.

And then I look and I see Matt on the side of the street pissing in the jug.

And Brad's trying to cover him.

And I'm like, I haven't met Brad yet.

And I really want to meet Brad.

Like, this is fucking Brad.

I've been waiting my whole prank career to meet him.

It was like such a fucking rigamarole.

I love it.

Fucking Jihad is nervous and anxiety-ridden as hell.

And he won't go on the spot.

thought and i'm like it's a parking space like no it's not dude it's boxed in like it's not

fuck i'm looking at the sign it says park there don't park behind it he wouldn't do it he drove

off and i gave up i hung up the phone like that's it i gotta meet brad and i gotta go inside i told

last thing i told jay i said hey man just go find the first spot you can and walk just keep going

down the street don't go any further and i think he finally showed up at 20 fucking minutes after

we got there oh my god finally got to go inside finally got to be like like country mouse and

shit yeah not like do you do you piss usually outside like is that a normal no i never have

ever ever taken a no this is a very big deal for me to go out all day like this that's why i brought

my little emergency bag

of pants to change into

and this bottle.

No, it's very rare.

And I

just want to say again for the record

I'm the only one that stayed awake the whole

time. The only one that was

willing to stay up

and party. We're getting to that.

We're going to get to that.

Yeah, we'll get to my bitch in there.

Don't worry, we'll get to that.

So let's do a prank. I'm going to try to call

this Denny's again. This is the one we went to.

and i got some dings for you sitting in your box oh nice we got some dings we got some voicemail

i don't want to just push push the stories the fucking oh god damn it conyo man give me a second

i gotta fix the mice mice the mouse the mouse you know i'm like you're like to tool dual fist

mice that would be so fucking hard with smash tv with like two oh we played the fuck out of

How cool is that?

Thank you for calling.

This is Nicole speaking.

Hi, Nicole.

I was calling because of Jose.

He told me to give him a call here.

Is he not in?

Can you please stop calling here?

Why?

I'm just trying to get something figured out about a car.

Okay, he's not here.

Okay, can I make an order then?

What would you like?

All right, I need one hamburger.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Okay.

Does it have options or?

It comes regular, lettuce, dandelion, and pickle.

Okay, were you going to say that?

Can you add mustard and mayo to it, please?

No pickle, though?

Okay.

All right.

What's next?

What else comes with it?

Rice.

Okay.

Is that the only potato option?

You can have hash browns.

Yeah.

Or you can upgrade.

I like the sub in hash browns.

Okay.

Do you have cheese on your burger?

No.

No, thank you.

All right.

And then the next thing I need is a lumberjack's lamb.

Okay.

How do you want your eggs?

Cooked.

Over easy, scrambled, over medium?

Overheat.

i really get the reaction and oh yeah we forgot about the denny's portion before uh

we met up uh yeah yeah we went so in the morning we went to denny's

yeah cooked with heat uh why is it so funny it's an ain't it's stupid i love i love the

fuck it cracks me up i don't know it they kind of ran jose our server through the ringer a little

i mean he wasn't the best i didn't i didn't know what you wanted with josie and mike what deal was

wait a minute why didn't that jose show up what the fuck what happened jose bravo

he didn't show up uh yeah fucking the dead didn't show up the dead said the police were at his house

and he couldn't show up he started out saying that he need he i need to find a dollar no uh

no spray either.

No, that's right. Spray's up there, too.

Yeah. Damn.

We walked into the Denny's.

Legend showed up.

Yeah.

As we're standing around at the Denny's,

waiting for them to clear us a table,

we're just kind of sitting around bullshitting, and this guy

is sitting at the very first table as soon as you come into

the Denny's. He goes,

Is this the PLA meetup? And we're sitting there like,

What the fuck?

Yeah. Disgusting.

Oh, yeah, me too. But then we figured out later

He probably spotted Carlito's little lanyard, little PLA ID, and we invited him.

We're like, hey, you want to come back and eat breakfast with us?

He's like, oh, no, I'm just waking up.

I need like an hour and a half.

The professor.

That is cool, though.

Yeah.

That had to make you feel like, holy shit, is there going to be a mob of people there?

I'm going to picture him in the brain, tweet it.

Yeah.

There it is.

a bucket of walnuts was oh i don't think i know i try i i don't know a lot of people who i talked

to oh there he is he's he's right here yeah he's here just on message yeah yeah he he uh he he i

thought he recognized us from he said he recognized us he's in the mixer okay yeah he yeah i thought

at first he recognized because i had like a pla thing on but then uh later on he did tell us i

i know who you are like i know what you look like harley you know like you didn't know who i was

nobody did well because you're always wearing a mask in a fucking derived uniform or whatever so

yeah that should happen so yeah we had lux was there at this point big lux little lux um

stampy bakes there's a there's a plan uh uh pla gyro meet two uh in the silicon valley region

and that's uh that's northern california like san francisco area in like six months like around

saint patty's day zax is gonna come over and we're getting a house um so far uh and like

meeting meeting that we're trying to do another like bar katie type thing yeah so i i found one

i think that's all ages um

Yeah.

So that would be in San Francisco.

Are you going to come to that, Dwight?

Because you guys, I mean, it's kind of expensive.

That's a rough one.

Because it's six months.

Yeah, but if I have to go, like, by train, it's like I would have to be on a train for 50 fucking hours.

Dude, you get in an airplane.

I'm too big to fit.

they're gonna make me buy two seats then buy two seats in six months round trip for two seats would

cost me almost 850 alone oh yeah like i would literally have to try to lose like almost 60

pounds to probably fucking pull it off like by march that fucking train man that'd be a goal

yeah i mean listen i took the train and i had a roommate and they you could sleep in it and all

that shit but man was that that was rough i'm still kind of flagged out yeah they're talking

50 hours and that's each week yeah fuck that yeah well i will be there i like this uh this uh quote

by uh matt and uh brad as they're writing to the meetup i fucking love this so you've been

worried i have any trouble i would say so yeah i think uh that the state are gonna be there

we're walking into a trap basically yeah could go wrong i did have that feeling here's here's

one of the dead so you guys should be able to hear this hey you know what you know i know i

have no car right now you right so i'm gonna have to i was looking where it is it's right by

flinton and california and that's a blue line uic blue line so i could grab the cta over here

and go over there for cheap and walk to that fucking bar but the thing is i'm not gonna have

any motherfucking money so i'll just go there and hang out for a while but you know i'm not

gonna have any well then i told him hey we'll pay for your drinks you'll be fine i said i will

cover you that you're good yeah then he came up with this bullshit excuse damn i'm fucking pissed

stuff because i don't have no fucking cash on me so i don't know how the fuck i'm gonna take

the cta i'm gonna have to fucking properly swipe my card it's only a dollar though so

and to go to the fucking blue line so um fuck i'm gonna have to fucking figure something out

right now okay yeah i told them yeah i know so i told them i told them hey we'll give you the

dollar just make it and uh he just said i'll send an uber like to come get you and you'll pay for it

yeah he didn't then he just said police here and i think he was just you know he said family

problems and i think that was just his way of excuse you know getting yeah that was uh that

was the prank caller prank caller yeah i think that was his his whole thing he knows what to do

he knows what he's doing he's not stupid and i'm not stupid either um let me try another prank

here let me see if i fix the mouse problem yes i did whoever was talking shit did not show up

saying you guys talk tough no actually i think they did but they just kind of backed out yeah

he did there was a tough guy on facebook saying he was going to show up and give us the well oh

hey honey i wanted to make an order i wanted to make an order honey oh i'm sorry we're not

Why?

What do you mean you're losing money over it?

I'll put the manager on the phone.

You're in charge right now?

So you're the one that made this decision?

Fucking asshole.

You're a fucking asshole.

No, fuck you.

Get cancer. Bye.

Jesus Christ.

Get cancer. Wow.

I'm not asking for trouble at all from God.

Everything's going to be fine.

Oh, shouldn't I be the dinger?

Don't we have the car dings?

Where are the car dings?

Where do I get them?

Here, sir.

Okay.

If any of those come for submission, how can I help you?

Yeah, I was calling about that to-go order.

Yeah.

Okay, can I make that, please?

I actually don't do orders over the phone.

Fuck.

Fucking shit.

You know that?

That's fucking shit.

She's a woman.

I'm pretty sure she doesn't do anything at work.

Just plays with herself and shit.

Plays with her nails, plays with her bones.

um somebody was uh kind enough to put a note on somebody's audi uh oh nice nice oh no there's a

there's a shirt being designed by snappy bakes this is carlu this is get cancer

don't do it please that's almost an automatic you want you want me to get cancer really

god damn you that's not a joke either mac can tell you cancer is serious serious is cancer

as the rappers say in the 80s and 90s uh i got carding ideas sent by parkman so we can use those

while i'm at it all right cool so in my dms so this is a skype dm thing okay all right okay all

right okay and these are playable uh voicemails uh you'll kind of know where they're getting ready

to say their numbers so it's not a surprise when they do it to you okay okay well uh those those

Those first two are attributed to the Audi.

Holy crap.

Those last two numbers are, one is the top one is the person that owns the Audi.

The second number is the father who called.

And there's corresponding voicemails to both.

Are you saying this is the very first one?

Yeah, these are some of the very first ones.

The one in Texas?

Someone plastered all the cars at the sheriff's office this day?

That one?

That's an Audi?

No, no, no.

If you go up.

Oh, there's more.

Okay.

Yes.

There's more numbers?

There's just voicemail?

I'm confused.

Yeah, oh, no, okay, yeah, it starts where the, I talked about the police station, and then there's John, Anita, Mike, Jimmy.

Okay, all right.

The two Audis are the last ones.

Oh, there's the Audi, okay, I got it.

All right, I'll work my way down from there.

All right, let's do a couple of ding calls, and then we'll keep talking about the stupid.

That first number is the police department, though, so I don't know who I'm messing with.

I'm just happy people showed up, because remember, even in the morning, I was like, are people going to show up?

If you need help with the inmate phone system, please hang up and dial 1-800-

Jesus. I don't know if I want to mess

with that one. I'll do John.

Someone was ballsy enough that

they went to the police station and peppered all the

fucking cop cars with

fucking ding notes. Yeah, but there have been cops

themselves like on news stories

last year, right? A cop said that this isn't

really a crime, you know?

Yeah, but who's ballsy enough to go

down the aisle and put it on all the fucking cops' cars?

How do you explain that when they notice

that you've put it on every car? Like, alright, this guy

obviously dinged every single car, right?

You can put it on cop cars.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

Is that John?

Who's this?

Oh, my name is Cross.

Roy Cross.

Regarding, uh, you gave me a call back regarding the ding on your car?

Yeah.

Okay, and what can I do you for?

Did you ding my car?

You left a note on my car.

Well, that's the whole part of leaving the note on the car, right?

What do you think?

Well, what do you want?

Well, I did the right thing.

I left a thing there.

Let you know that it happened.

I wanted you to be aware.

Okay.

I wanted you to know who did it.

Okay, you did.

Are we done?

Do you need anything else?

Well, what can I...

You're taking care of it.

Did you...

All right.

Well, I mean, do you need to trade insurance information or something?

No, because I think you're full of shit.

You're not going to pay anyway.

So I already paid for it and took care of it.

So thanks for calling back.

No, I actually wanted to help you.

I wanted to make it right.

I'm a Catholic.

Sir, I'm a Catholic priest.

I'm not like that.

I'm a Catholic priest.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

Motherfucker, you.

Yes, I am a Catholic priest.

hey can everybody out there that has itunes go type in prank call and just see what shows pop

up hey and also uh put a review for matt's uh your call has been forwarded to an automated

voice messaging system oh yeah that'd be cool yeah and mine i'm just curious because i want

Our call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

Because, like, it's crazy that we're all, well, you guys should be, but that I'm in there at all.

In the list of...

We've got to get Dwight in there, man.

He is, he is.

I guess I just need to find an independent way to upload an RSS feed, I guess.

I mean, I still have the credentials for iTunes.

you can use the PCN one like

Zach's and Pat do

Dwight when

you're like number 3 dude

and you haven't

I haven't uploaded a new one in like years

I know but I'm saying

so that's why I'm asking

the people out there

because when

I type it in it's

fucking

it's like it's Brad

and you

it's like you know it's crazy and then like what was it radio stations man like not real

pranks yeah because i mean there's there's there was one stuck in there it's one of those like

bullshit radio stations you know this is our pranks from our crazy show

yeah i'm still i'm curious what if the people out there what they say because if yours is skewed to

but maybe all there's i it's just hard for me to believe you know that party time is on there at

all well i mean hey you're yeah you're got a slow but steady following you put up a regular product

that it does you got your followers you know you know people dig you so but i'm a lot of people

ask about that for you do i don't want to see you back on the podcast feed yeah it's really

really yeah i mean it should be easy enough to do once i figure out the rs i mean i probably just

but all i gotta do is rip my shit off of youtube and i could just upload right you just you just

need to get the mp3s of your youtube stuff and then you upload but you can do it all to the at

the pc you've got a spot already set up for you and all you're all you could and it takes it just

click a button and you're submitted to itunes and google play and the android one and the

if they just show me how to do that i'll get on top of that all right all right everybody

xander fett fucking he i mean he donated some a good chunk of money to put me in chicago

he yells at me constantly about about the fucking uh about the fucking podcast

in his fucking uh scottish accent like it's fucking hilarious oh nice sounds like scotty

from star trek you know not just oh is it second god damn it's what look at your fucking podcast

that's awesome listen we're gonna call anita anita dick no her name's anita

wasted memory another guy that can't stay awake oh well hey at least he was with you hey i couldn't

but i tried to hang he tried i tried too i was even trying this you did try it was a value

i got dwight good in the shower i didn't talk about that you can't believe all these showers

How many showers you guys took?

Well, I was telling you.

I normally take two hours.

I took two showers today.

I'm not ashamed to admit that.

I made big complaints about the hotel, but I'll wait until we get to the hotel.

Oh, yeah, we'll get to that.

We'll get to that.

We're doing dings right now.

It's ding fucking Tober or Timber.

Ding Timber.

Ding Tober's next month.

I was on hold an hour and one minute to get to talk to a person at Corporate Marriott.

and you're also complaining about the wheat store which that's oh yeah i brought that up

i was like that's bullshit so you can't you can't get in there and it's supposed to be a medical

facility me and me and the lift driver are both like yeah yeah he's right yeah i think the lift

driver was cool as fuck yeah he was he was a cool dude he i just i'm just like cracking up with me

you're just cracking up with you bitching about uh me about us falling asleep too early

yeah i'm such a complaining i used to be able to you know i work you know and it's just as hard

even for i know it's even for even for a day again it's hard i am the oldest one there and

i'm a cripple but you don't have to get up to work you know you just get up when you want

you have your mushroom sandwich you have your smoothie you know mushroom sandwich whatever

what the fuck am i talking about uh one more ding call here yeah dragon man can you hear music okay

guys does the music sound okay it's for suckers yeah the music sounds good man okay and then also

the pranks are good like they're not echoey or anything no no everything's good but man i i

wouldn't try to be a dickhead like with all the messages but i know you'd want to know that it

sounded so bad you know like it's like the beginning of the show when i'm like hey your

audio is bad your audio yeah it was because it was like oh i got you it's okay it's fixed now

thank god thank god come on mike oh wait i'm supposed to be setting my caller id to the number

dwight can you tell me can you uh send that to me please what the number should be for the caller

uh yeah let me try to find it i guess you could just give it out right because it's public

knowledge right yeah find it uh i don't know i should oh it's probably whatever my my skype

numbers all right ding timber numbers uh it is three one zero three five six zero eight zero

one again three one zero three five six zero eight zero one right so for those of you who

don't know what we're talking about shit i gotta re-log in let me copy that um for for those of

you who don't know what we're talking about ding timber is something that brad carter usually does

he's not doing it this year uh for whatever reasons let's not get into he's well he's

yeah yeah he's doing irl shit yeah so he last year we all did it together and this year it's

dwight mostly and i'm doing some tonight but um you know you leave a note with that number and

you say what it was hey i dinged you sorry i dinged your car and you leave that phone number

that dwight just read out which is the 310-356-0801 and you sign it roy and then these people call

back leave a voicemail that number and we call them and mess with them really that's all can i

have some roy numbers please fuck yeah do one so i think so i can eat some of my bologna beef

sandwich here uh we're gonna try beef beef beef bologna big bologna sandwich and uh dwight by the

i had like three bologna sandwiches all the whole time bar s yellow yellow this is mike hunt legend

has us playing uh smash tv up on youtube i was very drunk at that point it wasn't doing any good

hi carlito you know how impressed i am with myself for being able to stand up with you guys

all the time and be able to play that and shit like feels like this gave me a quite a confidence

boost did you have a cry here's jimmy jimmy jimmy okay jimmy i will put a link to legends

video of us playing and i haven't even watched it but it's going in the thing we might we might

I'd say something horrible.

Hello, Jimmy?

Nothing yet.

I heard some ghost in the machine.

Something's talking.

Leave your message for Jimmy.

Jimmy, voicemail.

Hey, Jimmy.

I didn't.

No.

We're done with that.

We don't do that.

Here's an Audi.

Once insurance information no name went by the owner,

maybe call him that.

You got voicemails for those ones.

Sorry, what is it?

Did he sound upset?

Is it the first one here, the 040?

The second one should be the son, the owner of the Audi.

The first one should be the father.

Audis, Audis.

That's a big deal.

Not an Audi.

Audi.

Not an Audi.

Fancy.

Insurance and how you want to call it.

Hang on, let me play this.

Hello, Roy.

This is the owner of the Audi that you dinged in the parking lot earlier this evening.

I was just wondering if you could give me a call back so that we could discuss insurance

and how you want to handle paying for the damages and covering those damages for the car.

So if you could please give me a call back at this number, 314.

I could have a ball with this cat, I think, without even yelling.

Yeah, just talk to him and just annoy the shit out of him.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

The second one, or the other one, is the father after we hadn't responded to him.

Was it like, you're trying to scare me?

To an automatic voice message system.

Cut it, cut it, I got it, I got it.

The father could be phoned.

Fuck you.

That went pretty quick.

So is the next number the father's number then?

Yeah, it's the father's number.

So I'm going to say your Nancy voice son called up about the night I left in his car.

And didn't let his phone ring.

Yeah, and then he doesn't pick up when I call him.

I think he's on the phone right now.

so that might be what's going on but let's try the dad not found oh try the dad you're

sissy is a good word there we go are you ready this is the father yeah and what's the kid's name

we have no name this is it's an audi your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message

oh no kids no did you have did you have more stories from the meetup yeah we can uh so where

were we at so the meetup was fun i was just thinking where where you were in the tales

because i hadn't heard about it a lot i hadn't heard about any of the denny's shit or any of

that oh okay so i i'm genuinely curious well we discussed the the uh the lead up to the meetup

uh we're at the meetup and i'm glad oh yeah that was the the g had driving you crazy with the

parking yeah hey carlito yo remember this so this other sexy chick comes in and she she just

oh she already got you like yeah my dick's just here flopping out for no reason now thanks a lot

wait what happened what was that i don't know is that me that wasn't me yeah it was you the car

ride uh on the way back from the beat-up you were drunk and vaping marijuana's a jet's face in the

the car which we're talking about like this like vasectomies and shit in the fucking car

so then the one chick comes in old lady she injects my urethra with a fucking

novocaine shit and ties it up like a balloon this is the shit yeah yeah that was fucking

terrible man that was a terrible because he just he dropped it on me like a surprise

they're like oh yeah hey we're gonna put a camera up your ether like oh wow thanks doc thanks for

letting me know that ahead of time i think they just don't want you to know i almost ran away

because i looked it up on my android phone i was sitting in a lobby still and i started reading

just terrible stories about men who've had it done and have had it's been a horrible thing and

i'm like i'm getting ready just to get up and go and then they called my name and i said oh i guess

i'll go through with it yeah fucking doctors right yeah i was i drank a lot of beer and i was

that was great there was an asian girl who got real cunty with me and jag and one of the fans

and i just i derailed her because she's drinking a grapefruit flavored beer and i told her hey you

know if you're on a statin you shouldn't drink that she's like what are you talking about you're

calling me fat they're like no i'm just saying i don't know like you know people from your part

of the world you guys are on statins a lot you shouldn't be on that it's like completely she's

She's completely bewildered by this shit.

Hey, pretend I don't know what a statin is.

Simvastatin.

It's a family of drugs that are used for hypertension,

and they're beta blockers, and they protect your kidney machines also.

So fat people take them?

Oh, fat people, yeah, or just diabetics.

So I completely derailed her.

but uh she she started she started out when i walked into this she goes i know you guys are

famous i mean think you're famous i'm like okay all right bitch sorry she put you in your place

sir she walked around in that captain hat like your king big dick i wasn't wearing the captain

hat that was fucking uh brad the whole time he found he took you look great he went i was trying

to give it to him he wouldn't take it because that's not the original captain said i left

I took a fun picture of him

and it got a lot of likes.

He looks really good in it.

It caught him looking all weird.

He refused to keep it.

I thought it suited him, but he didn't want to keep it.

Oh, did you see that video

of him fucking

literally being the

captain telling

Waste of Memory how to drive the

truck from the backseat?

I got a video

on Facebook.

nice like he's capping in around he really is the captain saying you go here because he was driving

via gps yeah i got a picture of rb wearing the hat and i was holding the mop nice picture at

one point we asked the lady who was pissed off at us but we asked her for a mop and she actually

parkman came up with that idea and she went and she got it that was pretty cool i didn't i was

i was like there's no fucking way this lady's giving parkman a mop yeah she's sure enough

Yeah, she sure enough. You got about was great. We're all cheering at that point. It was great

Really fun. What was hilarious is when I'm sitting there right and like nobody knows who the fuck I am

So sitting there and then like I talk or say something like wait a minute

You sound like a guy that wears a mask an awful lot. I'm like, yeah, probably

Or a jag would ask me a question go. Hey Dwight and the guys go wait a fucking year to wait. Yeah

Yeah, I think it was wasted memory. Someone was sitting next to me wasted memory

Hello. Yeah. How are you doing?

Hey, how's it going? Window tinting?

Yeah.

Okay. What's the darkest that you can do legally?

Yeah, my light has to be lighter on the front door.

The back window, you can have any shade.

Okay. Can you do it and just not give me a receipt, but do it how I want?

Say that again, please.

I want to get a darker tint.

Can you do it like on the down low and just not give me the receipt for it?

You know what I mean?

Yeah, we can do any shade.

Okay. Or can you do blue?

Yeah, we have blue, but it's kind of a clear blue like a Mercedes.

Okay, okay.

All right, can you do a Mexican flag?

Say that again?

Can you do a Mexican flag in the back window?

No, we don't do printing.

Oh, shoot.

So can you do like the Mexican flag colors?

Yeah, we don't do printing.

We have a blue and black color.

Just blue and black, okay.

Okay, okay, because I wanted to get a printing in the back of the Mexican flag,

and I was going to write shit really big on it, you know?

Well, yeah, well, you can try to call a company, a sign shop.

Uh-huh, okay.

And I'll get them to do a Mexican flag, and I'm going to write shit, S-H-I-T, really big on it, you know?

And I'm going to put stupid on it, stupid.

And I'm going to put shit.

I'm going to put dogs, pig woman.

Okay. All right. So you can give me some blue, right?

Yeah.

Okay. Do you have a good, do you know a guy who can do good drawing?

Well, no. We just do window painting here.

Oh, shit, motherfucker. All right. And how long can I, how long do I have to not open the window?

You can open it any time.

But don't I have to waste some amount of time before I open it after I get it tinted?

I mean, any time is fine.

I don't have to wait?

Alright, because I want to fuck your mom

and I have to put her head through the window, you know?

God bless you, man.

No, God bless you, motherfucker.

You know?

God bless you, man.

Because you need it.

God bless you.

You need it, motherfucker.

Alright?

God bless you, man.

Don't say that, okay?

Don't you put that on me

because I don't believe in the God.

You're a sicko.

I'm a sick, I'm sick.

I'm a sick man.

I'm a perverted.

Yeah, so God bless you, man.

No, come on.

God bless your life.

You want to talk sex?

sex sex sex stories god god led your sad life no it's happy i love talking about sex stories

and shit oh all right cool he's very nice you fucking you fucking killed me funny nice

friendly mexican guy yeah this this video the legend is like our whole playing over it's like

kevin's longest really right so how did legend get the copy of me getting pranked by your front

desk people he got it he got it before you watch me when we went because he's a motherfucking legend

hanging around with a known hacker a federally convicted hacker um yeah uh no they because they

came back to my crib and the doorman played it for him while i i slowly walked back to my apartment

ah legend so he's like oh you guys haven't got the file yet this is like the live leak version

it's him with the fucking camera looking at the monitor yeah he was showing it to me there at the

at the barcade i'm like i still haven't seen it yeah so what else was so all right so that we had

a great time we were there maybe like five and a half hours or something we played it was almost

six fucking hours yeah we played pool drank lots of beer andy came out for that he was wearing the

The shirt of me that Justin made, I hadn't seen a copy of that shirt yet.

He actually had it on.

I'm like, shit, even I don't have that shirt.

And people are wearing a shirt with me topless on it with big lips, big donkey lips.

That's for Milkman.

Yeah, that's for Milkman thing.

Yeah, so I think Justin was in the chat room.

Just to let you know, man, thanks for letting me use that.

Because I don't make any profit off those shirts, but they look really sharp.

I like them.

I got to get one.

I want to wear myself without a shirt on it, which defeats the purpose of wearing a shirt.

I think that's a great paradox right there, right?

Yeah, he looked fucking nuts, too, when Parkman showed up.

Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Parkman had the Madhouse shirt.

Yeah, he even had his fucking name on it.

He's like, Jay went over to talk to him.

He's like, oh, so who are you?

And he just kind of fucking unbuttoned his shirt he had on over it.

And it's the fuck is that Parkman?

It's, oh, my God, it's Parkman.

Yeah, and I'm real disappointed in the dad.

If he did, you know, we would have gone pick them up.

We would have sent him over.

i'm very disappointed in everybody after about 9 p.m all right so all right so we were like we

were gonna do pranks jad was like we go do pranks we go do pranks we're all together all right fine

that's what oh yeah i let me tell uh real quick i had next door was my reefer store right and so

So I was able to go over there and buy whatever.

And I took it upon myself to buy a dab rig and a cram of shatter to share with my friends at the hotel.

And I just said, just stop at the vape shop up the street and get a torch, please.

It costs $12.

Yes, right.

And then Dwight had like two brownies also.

Yeah, really sloshy high.

very sloppy hives no he didn't he didn't touch it at all i'm saying so i'm saying i brought this

i bought this thing and they did not stop and by the torch and nobody wanted to engage in the

dab rig bubbler uh or the free shatter yeah they wanted to go to sleep instead i did i just had to

wait for some white kids to show up with

the torch.

Yeah, well, because you guys didn't buy

one, although they were there.

The one thing I asked.

Sorry.

Did you cover the asshole pizzas at the

get-together?

The asshole pizzas, was it?

Oh, yeah.

We had a lot of food deliveries.

I wasn't going to cover it, but yeah, why not?

I mean, obviously.

It was just stupid.

It was pointless.

it was but even better is when they were coming in asking for brad and like brad hadn't even shown

up yet so like legit it was just like they're like is there a brad carter here's like no actually

even when he was remember this one dude in a marlins hat which made no sense to me miami

marlins fan in chicago with two other teams in there whatever but he showed up he's like is

there a brad carter here a brad brad carter like no no no no brad brad was there brad was there

that's the truth brad was there but i lied but yeah we there was like what chinese and grubhub

and uber eats are showing up i felt just bad for that one old man went to pizza that walked around

like four times it's i don't it wasn't hurting us it wasn't hurting the bar it was only hurting

the poor delivery of people and wasting food yeah like it didn't hurt the business it didn't

it was bullshit pizza like

Vegemonde didn't buy the pizza from the dude

he's like oh what is it

it was like pineapple

prosciutto

and no

sauce so like it was just gonna be a dry

ass pizza I'll be honest with you I was

around that time I was kind of hungry

and I was like I might just buy that triple

jalapeno prosciutto

no sauce pizza but he

was gone by then and no other

deliveries came I don't know what's up with that

But, yeah, it really, I mean, what did dude or dudes expect was going to happen?

Were we going to have to pay for all this food and we would be there with boxes of pizza?

It pissed off the lady at the front, but we did pre-warn her anyway.

Yeah, and then we gave her a good tip at the end.

So, if anything, it worked out.

Yeah, it hurt nobody.

It just wasted the poor people that already have a shitty job.

Their time, these poor people.

It didn't affect us at all.

It wasted a bunch of food.

Yeah, it didn't.

we just ordered our own pizza later anyway

so fuck you

there was one Poindextery kind of kid

who made these little

chains

yeah Patrick

Pat

he 3D printed these

PLA 2018

PLA con

things for us

I ended up with two of them

actually

my bad I don't know how that happened

I found two when I got home

so if anyone wants one

i can maybe i gave mine to uh oh what was it what was it do with the uh no what uh he had

the gauged ears uh red shirt i forget his name um i don't i don't know his name but i know who

you're talking about he bought me i don't remember a lot of people's names but everybody was cool

spot jack jack was his name okay jack um yeah like everybody else had him he's like oh he's

looking around i was like oh fucking take it dude here you go yeah um you're a nice cat

you bought me a couple beers during the mountain you don't fucking take it you know

i took some but there were a lot of people like i was like no i'm good you know i was i got really

drunk by the end but i was like don't how about that stupid bar doesn't have a real old style

yeah man so i was real excited to try matt's favorite beer the old style and what they had

what was this iced tea brew bullshit old style by the beach or some shit yeah it was i got some

out and but you would drink half of one you didn't even notice yet that was like well yeah

brad brad showed was coming to my house at like noon so i'd been drinking since like 10

all right so he could have kind of given me whatever like a beer can and it was cold

it could have been gasoline you would have been drinking it you know it could have been yeah yeah

matter of fact i think you could drink some gasoline before the night was over we'll get

to that story in a moment let's try to see if this guy who buys phones and gold will answer

a guy who buys you know so how ask him if we'll buy a golden calculator there you go

golden calculator what's his name the bomb has a rest and beast bomb

I'm having a lot of trouble getting people to answer tonight, unfortunately.

We're going to get to some ding numbers here.

Oh, hey, I reinstalled the vanilla GTA so we can play online together.

I want to get those mods you're playing because that should look tight.

Oh, dude, it looks like garbage now.

Oh, yeah, the comparison.

Dude, I have it turned up to ultra on everything.

And I'm like, oh, my God, this looks like pixelated.

so funny because because it would have blown me away like you know a year ago it took me a moment

i was like damn like the roads look way better you know and i was like oh shit this is a mod

but yeah this is a fucking nice mod so people need to play online with me um it's fun i'd play

but i play on the xbox yeah there you go see you got that i pretty much play with jose and

you need to stop playing with him because he didn't show up to the chicago meetup in the

town yeah he's a bad egg officially yeah yeah yeah that's that's the that's the like

like you're out of here club bad egg let me try to get let me try another audience i already

i already he's he's on the barely talkable to master kicking out bad eggs all week man

dude i forgot about that uh after you're trying to get the audio of the fucking shower spraying

me in the face yeah and uh jag that next morning was getting ready and i told gianna's like oh

get your camera go record fucking you know jag doing his hair up and shit because he had a

blow dryer and everything he turns the corner fucking jag's butt ass naked yeah you guys are

are a bunch of fucking women,

hair dryers and showers

for fucking...

Bro, I didn't bring a hair dryer.

They had this little wand,

a detachable wand in the shower

to, like, rinse yourself off.

It has a knob that you turn to, like,

you know, put the water to that wand.

Well, Carlito, as he got out,

turned the fucking thing so the wand was active,

pointed it at the goddamn door,

knowing that you gotta reach in there and, like, turn the water on

and get it to the proper temperature.

I turned it on, and that fucking thing sprayed me

right in the face that is funny nothing was weird it's it's it was like a square wand like a like a

metal detector you know like a hand wand metal detector almost let's say kind of you know with

and the water shoots up real hard man it goes because the first time i hit that knob it sprayed

me in the face and the water went all the way up my nose like i basically gave myself like a neti

pot on on steroids and i was like how i'm gonna get whoever takes a shower after me is gonna

and i regret it yeah so i hooked it up yeah yeah yeah yeah but unfortunately yeah unfortunately

that we didn't really get much good audio that and then when we try to get jack like you said

we ended up with a naked video you know who else saw someone saw me naked was a wasted memory

because that night um there were a lot of people in the hotel room and matt said i could take a

shower in his place but wasted memory who was also going to the room didn't know this so matt

Matt, you told me, just lock the door so that he can't come in.

Yeah, in the hotel, that means the deadbolt thing.

I thought you stayed in a hotel before.

Yeah, well, not the deadbolt.

No, the things that can open the door.

There's a latch, usually.

No, it's the hotel.

I meant for you to lock the whole hotel room door so that there's just a latch.

He had a car.

i've stayed no there's there's i don't again

that's what i'm saying i did that i swear to god there's a metal thing that goes around in hotels

yeah he did that he did i know but i did that but he kept trying to open it he kept because i'm

trying to i'm taking a shower and i keep saying hello hello hello and he keeps jamming so i

I probably had to open the bathroom door a crack so that he could hear me and explain,

and then he could see me through the crack in his front door through the crack in my bathroom door.

He was so fucked up.

Yeah, I know.

Well, he said he saw a little bit of pee-pee.

He said, oh, my gosh.

That doesn't make sense.

He described it.

Eye line.

He described my mushroom head

and everything pretty clearly.

Did you hear about what Carlito did to Jaiad

because he had the deposit on him

on the second night?

They had this fucking

ice mountain fucking thing.

Here's the whole thing.

Who would care about a $4 bottle of water?

It's old women.

He was

nervous about getting home.

I don't think he had enough money.

There was a $4

bottle of water and we're like oh you drink it you got to pay for it and stuff well carlito

apparently in the middle of the night comes back from matt's room with the identical fucking bottle

of water and puts this little like thing that says you drink this you know four bucks lays it

sitting down and puts away the real water empty yeah and i put the real water next to the microwave

so you couldn't see it yeah and so like in the middle of the night i got up to uh grab a water

and i saw it sitting there oh fuck i was like oh man gl's gonna be pissed you were you were

trying to grab the water that we brought you know so we didn't drink that water we there was other

water there and yeah there's nothing wrong with tap water by the way i know i know this but just

to fuck with jayad because you said he jayad saw it and got pissed off right he just walked off

with his arms in the air like ah fuck like someone it must have been fucking carlito the

fucking dragon so what happened was when i was in matt's room that the night before um wasted

in memory figured out that the maid's

closet was open

and he kept going in there for water and towels.

He just kept getting water and towels, water and towels

all night. So I just kept drinking these

free fucking $4 waters.

And yeah, I brought an empty with me

just for that.

It's so silly, a free

you can turn on a faucet and drink all

of it. Brad made a song about it.

No, there's amoebas

and stuff. There's

a lot of industrial chemicals.

No, it's just

Jesus fucking Christ.

From people like you that flush pills down the toilet, it gets into the water, the main water system.

Where do you think the bottled water comes from?

It has a filtration system or some protected spring sources.

And so does the city water supply.

No, I don't drink Dasani and shit like that, which is just tap water that they treat.

That's all Dasani is.

Like, Dasani and Alcofina.

All tap water is fine.

Let me tell you the story.

so coca-cola and pepsi they got a plant in the city in chicago they sell fucking bugs they just

sell half water and first thing they do is they filter the water this is for everyone else matt

but they filter the water and then they apply the secret ingredients to that to make the pepsi and

the sierra mist and all that stuff and they realize we could probably make a lot of money

if we sold the water that we treat before we add anything to it we just sell it but yeah they add

Add, like, salt to it, and then they make the –

Coca-Cola has said, as a fact, their biggest moneymaker is none of the sodas.

It's Aquafina, the Sani water.

It's because people are stupid.

Yeah, they're basically drinking tap water from the same city they live in.

I put my head right under the tap and drink right out of it.

I don't have a problem with that.

It's fine.

I don't have a problem with that, but now that I have a filtered thing on my fridge,

it's nice because it comes out cold.

That's why I use that mostly.

And there is a taste difference.

But, dude, when I'm thirsty, like, when I take my pills, I don't, like, go to get filtered water for my pills.

I take it out of the tap.

I don't have to cook.

I make my coffee with tap water.

I cook with tap water.

You know, I'm not like, I need to use the Brita filter every time, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, motherfucker.

All right.

You understand?

All right.

Let's go.

Hey, can we add Eric Days?

Yes.

Yes, Eric Days, host of the Eric Days Party Time Show here exclusively on Prank Call Nation.

And I also add Ramona.

Ramona is a woman whose car was dinged.

Holy jeez.

You want to do one, Dirt Dwight, since you've been nice and friendly?

Maybe someone will answer for you.

Dwight?

I think Dwight is making poopoo.

Hello?

Hey.

You're on Carlito's Madhouse Show.

Nice.

hello hi is that ramona hello ramona yes hi yeah you call me you call me back regarding a ding i

left on your car yeah i'm the dinger pardon me i'm the dinger on my i have the black cadillac

yeah yeah i dinged it i left you a note so you knew yeah um was it the driver's side uh i think

so yeah or the the it was the driver's side that you dinged it was both sides both sides yeah

because i want i wanted to i wanted to match the other side but one side doesn't it didn't come out

the way i wanted it to hello are you being a are you being uh an asshole about this no no no no i

have adult deficit disorder so i have to like i have to do things in pairs so when i noticed i

Oh, man. People just aren't friendly

tonight. Friendly enough to be prank called,

apparently. Yeah. Who's here?

Matt's here. Zax is here.

Okay. And Dwight. Hello.

That's supposed to be your call, Dwight.

I had to step out of the room for a second.

You had to shit. No, I didn't.

Probably. But nothing looks good.

Except maybe a fucking $34 pizza.

I like pizza.

The one we ordered that night in

last night in Chicago.

I got $34, and by the time we got a delivery on, it was like $43.

Hello?

Hello, sir?

Yes.

Yeah, I'm calling.

I dinged Ramona's car.

Yes, okay.

Okay, and she just cursed at me and hung up.

I don't understand what that was about.

You're talking to...

What?

Yes, you are.

I'm what?

Give me your address.

What?

I want your address.

I'm not gonna...

No, why?

I want to do this the right way, all right?

Pardon me?

I said I want to do this the right way, God damn it.

i said god damn it i want to do this the right way god damn it i want to take care of this and

do right but i want to do it the right way god damn it you understand no you better understand

little girl i don't understand shit give me your address no you meet me at the walmart's

meet me at the walmart's motherfucker you you got it all on video i'm sorry keep going keep

talking you got it on video you got this phone call on video is it a color video

you stupid are you stupid no i'm not stupid come on be serious man do you want me to help you out

with a car no we gotta get something in we gotta get it in get it in all right they're just i'm

not being funny with that and uh they're they know that it's a joke so i just cut it off i'm

done with that okay yeah right um i think he said it was a cop or he was trying to say that i think

was breaking up um someone here says they buy casino chips okay we're taking a break here soon

try to do more calls than i did at the start of the show so yeah you know like the meetup was

great we wrapped up and then jai decided to invite everyone to the hotel room instead of

just the vip we had planned jesus christ and i had no idea this was happening until we got to

the hotel room and i saw like okay there's a lot of people here and it's starting to get a little

You have reached the voicemail box of...

And we had malfunctions with the audio, so we couldn't do what we originally planned.

Then I just left.

I got real paranoid, and I left because I was drunk.

And I went walking in the area, and I threw up in some bushes.

And there was an Iraqi guy who was Catholic, and he talked to me about God while I was real drunk.

It was really weird, really surreal.

But he was a nice guy.

And I met his wife, also an older guy, like in his 50s, maybe early, no, probably like mid-50s.

They said I didn't want me to drink

Stuff like that

You have reached the voicemail box of

Devin

Well we did right

We were talking about San Francisco Bay Area

If we can move it

To a year

That would give me enough time to save up

And Dwight enough time to either save up

And or lose weight

He's trying to blame it on that

Or a train

I'll tell you what

I'm not doing no fucking 50 hours on a train each week.

Oh, fuck that.

You can make it fun.

Hey, Dwight, you have a big enough following that you could just get a GoFundMe on your show for two seats.

Hey, and to be honest, dude, you can probably get away with a business class seat that'll be just as comfortable as getting two seats for the same or less.

And it'll be better because you get to drink and eat and all that shit.

Yeah.

like it's doable man yeah yeah i would get a business class seat instead of two seats

i mean i'll put i guess i'll go some airlines some airlines will make you i know when i was

really big i remember united told me flat out we don't do that to our customers i almost said

patience it does feel the fucking fucking chicago fucking company because it's uh when brad's going

going down to California.

So, you know, yeah.

Wait, Brad's going to California in six months?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Brad's coming to the California meetup.

Okay.

I thought you said he had to be in six months.

No, well, I think, yeah,

I think Brad says, like,

he was coming anyway to California then.

Okay.

So, I don't think Brad, yeah.

I mean, we didn't know that, though,

when we decided on six months' time.

I guess about six months was good.

what's up yeah so yeah it happens to fall around patty man no one's answering this phone

but when is um when is the weekend of that week you know like we i mean we just you can move it

around the weekers so we could move it a week around but i was looking at the prices and it's

no more and the availability is okay for that weekend it's like the 15th 16th and 17th of march

in san francisco oh okay all right 15th 16th and 17th you're saying so well we would have to do it

on one yeah yeah meet up with the with the but yeah yeah the meetup would have to be the friday

or saturday with the and it's the place that i'm looking at i still gotta talk it over

is all ages looks good that place yeah it does it does what is it where are we getting march

march you said march middle march right you're saying yeah march 16th okay all right i'm gonna

call a local diner anyone want to prank a local diner here it's called yeah that's a good that's

a good i'm gonna take a break but i'm trying to get a call in here so maybe the dinner will pick

up so i gotta pee i need some hot dogs you need to get invest in the piss joke i have i have a

couple but i don't want to i don't know what do you give a shit it's your house it just it

represents the time of my life hang on let me do a different one this one's this close

a time of my life that i don't necessarily want to go back to when i had to urinate and set up a

container it's yeah but you're doing it you're doing it out of fucking just being on the show

with your fucking people who want to hear you well i got video too and i don't want people to

see my wiener you know hi you're not on youtube hey oh you'll call me tonight no you weren't i

said i look at the call anytime may i help you hi i need some i need what kind of bread do you

have i'm allergic to all the bread do you have do you have unallergic bread we have seven grain

Cream bread, biscuits, garlic bread, English muffin, gluten-free English muffin.

Ooh, English muffin.

Ooh, I like the sound of that.

I'll take them.

I'll take as dozen.

You know what they call a muffin over in England?

They call it a fanny.

I guess you all know.

You previously were not earlier in the show.

I was going to say we are, but I got some super chats.

I got a shot out here to Matt Hillock and everything.

Oh.

Oh, that's crazy.

Dude, well, your Facebook link, I went to it because I would have been watching it.

And you can just put up the Madhouse thing.

I started it late.

I admit, I did start it late on accident.

Now, what's going to be the name of that state that we're visiting after January?

It's California.

Yeah.

Yeah, but it's going to be split up into three states by that time.

Oh.

Oh, why would that be?

Because they're trying to do it.

it's all garbage stop watching the fucking news dude it's all i think it's gonna be voted on here

in november it's it's not gonna happen dude it's just the one that san francisco was in

yeah the gay one they were there guys yeah oh i already started the break and i wasn't supposed

to listen i'm gonna take a break all right yeah hopefully we come back we'll wrap up the stories

about the show the meetup you know and uh other things like that i mean we got more numbers to

get to do we have any more ding numbers do i or is that it yeah all right i'll be right back god

i love it man

I will be rising

You check the GPS in your box

And a trapdoor at the bottom

So when you die, you open a trapdoor at the bottom

You check the GPS

And you go straight

House Radio is back

You are bigger than a woman

You will always be behind you

Do not let a woman make you who you are

Just because it's in print doesn't mean it's the gospel

People write negative things

Because they feel that's what sells

Good news to them doesn't sell

How has it impacted you?

My album is number one all over the world.

All over the world.

America's the only one because...

Hi,

He, he, he, he.

Hi, everybody.

I'm Carlito, host of Madhouse Radio.

And I am joined tonight with Dwight McClanahan, Matt McClanahan, and Zax McClanahan, respectively.

Hi, guys.

How are you doing?

All right.

Great.

Great, guys.

I hope I didn't screw up the machine.

Skype, anyone on Skype want to say hi?

Hola.

Hola, Skype.

I'm also joined by Homer the dog.

Homer J.

In the house right now.

It would be great to hear from Skype.

If any three of you are there can talk, say something right now, let me know.

Mm-hmm.

Anything?

Okay.

Anyway, we're regaling you guys with boring stories about our meetup that you probably missed.

Thanks to everyone who joined our meetup.

I want to thank especially everyone who donated for me to be able to go to that.

I greatly appreciate it.

I got a lot of good feedback.

It was kind of cool because I got to, you know, a few of the fans that came out were like, you know, hey, I want to buy you a drink.

And whenever anyone bought me a drink, I tried to hang out with them for a little bit, you know, and just shoot the shit for a while.

At least I tried to.

And I got some really good feedback.

I asked some honest questions about the show.

I learned that the British calls haven't really been good for like the last five years.

And I agree with that.

assessment i feel the same way i really don't like to call them much and i know this is to

our good friend new news dismay oh hey look who shows up now look at you looks like a great group

of guys it's more friends than i could ever have what who what who matt can you hear me matt matt

can you hear me the one i told you earlier was i don't um i don't know i don't know what's going

on on over there matt's over there talking to mama matt let's give a call here to a restaurant

machine let's not let me add a one to the number and then we can do that so yeah today's it's i am

still kind of i don't know why it just took a lot out of me the trip i think it's because i drink a

lot of alcohol i don't drink like that anymore especially on certain medication that i'm on that

i don't really like to drink that much on it really it wasn't until yesterday that i felt

the acid reflux from the alcohol go away and even and i have i didn't sleep well on the train i

I didn't sleep well in the hotel room, you know.

Good evening, the Garden Club, you.

Hi, Garden Club.

I wanted to see about making an order.

Do you have club sandwiches?

No.

Okay.

We don't do sandwiches during our dinner time, only lunch.

Okay.

What do you have, a nice brisket or something?

No, we have prime rib, New York.

We have a dinner, dinner menu here.

Oh, yeah, dinner, dinner, because, yeah.

Veal cutlet, veal scallopini.

You have steak?

Prime rib.

Do you have chops?

They have seafood.

Shut up.

Do you have chops?

Chops.

New York steak.

Chops.

Rack of lamb.

Chops.

Bale of coal.

Chops.

Calamari grilled salmon.

Chops.

All right.

What kind of chops?

All right.

What kind of chops?

New York strip.

No, New York steak.

New York steak?

Right.

Okay, I'll take the New York steak.

Are you coming in, is it to go or for here?

I'm going to pick it up to go.

Okay, hold on.

Let me take your order.

Hurry the fuck up.

One New York.

Right.

And how do you want that cooked?

I want the outside pink, the inside, to be well done.

Medium well?

Well, no, I want it rare on the outside and well done in the middle.

Okay, I don't know.

Well, is there a man that I can talk to?

Dark outside.

Is there a man I can talk to?

Cook is busy.

Okay, but, I mean, how would you know how to cook?

What do you do?

Are you a waitress?

No, I'm a hostess.

Oh, so you're lower on the rung then, right, kind of?

Well, I don't know if I'm lower, but you'll see when you get here.

I mean, you don't get tipped out, do you?

No.

What is your first name?

My first name is Cross.

How about that?

C-R-O-S-S.

Okay.

Okay, do you have an on-site parking?

Yes, we have a big parking lot on-site.

All right, how many cars are in there now?

I want to kick some cars.

I have no idea, sir.

Well, is it busy inside?

No, it's kind of pokey.

Yeah, can some of the guys see your panties?

Can they see your...

Whatever, fuck it.

It's kind of pokey?

what the fuck does that mean jesus christ why does this show suck fuck matt are you back yet

hello oh oh hey you're back good yeah dwight's here good where were you guys i came back from

break and you guys are all dude because you don't need to play the music for us super loud when you

go on break i didn't know but we could continue to talk or we even could sit on the air i didn't

know i didn't know it came through a lot i'm sorry oh yeah i don't see the you but then milkman's like

i want to hear the music so i had to turn it like it was really really it was really loud um so i

just had to turn down um skype yeah you know audio and then so as long as i saw you blue i thought

the music was just playing oh you know so i was like he ain't back yet that's all about this okay

Did you just see what a lady in my MS group wrote about our group picture?

Oh, the big one with us taking shots and stuff?

Yeah, yeah.

Her just drinking, just hanging out?

No, the one with all of us standing together.

Yeah?

She said, sounds like a fun group to gather together after years online.

online and then it quotes cute guys these and more friends than i claim on any given day

love your artistic walker too color that's just about me but uh oh the group is that's nice is

this a is this a local ms group oh i didn't surprise it's like an old lady in georgia

i'm just saying well you can you know get a little you know georgia oh i guess well it's

It's just nice that she was commenting on that you're a cute group of guys.

Yeah, we're a cute group of cute little eggs.

I just, I friend request that you seem like a good egg.

You can come on party time or some shit, whatever you want.

Nice.

She's like a fancy person.

Hello, IHOP?

Yes, can I help you?

Yeah, order, please.

I don't need the attitude.

Oh, no, I wasn't sure if you were talking to me or you were talking to somebody else.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

All right, it smells like lubricants.

Well, no, because when I picked up the phone,

you were having another conversation with somebody else.

Okay, but that was a private conversation.

Well, I mean, I just picked up the phone.

Yeah, okay.

I just picked up the phone, I'm sorry.

Okay, all right, well, I'm sorry too, all right?

You should assume that he was talking to you when you picked up the phone.

That's how phones work.

Okay, well, who's going to order?

Both of us.

Okay, what would you like?

I will go first.

I would like a Lumberjack Slam.

We don't have no Lumberjack Slam.

Okay.

I'll take the All-American Slam.

We don't have any.

This is IHOP.

This is not Denny's.

Oh, okay.

So then a Rudy 2D Fresh and Fruity?

Okay.

What do you want?

Strawberry, peach, or strawberry?

I'd go for chocolate, if you know what I mean.

Well, we have the dark chocolate pancakes,

and we've got the chocolate chip pancakes.

cakes i'm sorry he's talking about eating your butthole oh okay yeah all right is this is how

it starts okay uh cool i could do that yeah i could do that too yeah yeah okay is there a is

there a bath house around here that you wanted to meet up yeah what's the call uh well it's not

i mean you can just you know come down to the restaurant if you want we got a personal bathroom

in the back okay and you'll meet me there listen guys i gotta go because i got people waiting to

to pay hey did you want to place an order yeah yeah all right take a rooty tootie fresh and

fruity okay you want strawberries um strawberry yeah strawberry asshole yeah strawberry pancakes

okay okay anything else does that come with eggs um you if you want to make it a combo you get a

choice uh bacon or sausage what about eggs and hash browns all right i'll take the eggs how do

you like your eggs i like them cooked how do you like them cooked uh apply heat to the surface

You want them up?

You want them over easy?

I don't want any upgrades.

I only can get, you know, I'm already getting a combo, please.

I just want them over heat.

Okay, so you want them over easy?

Over heat.

I know that, but you want them over easy?

No, I don't like them when they're drippy.

I want them over heat.

So you want them sunny side up?

No.

Do you have a lubricant that you, an oil, edible oil, food grade lubricant that you apply to the surface of the skillet?

No, I don't.

Well, you have to spray that down with it, then apply heat to the correct dosage.

Well, they use canola oil for that.

Okay, so sure, that's a lubricant.

Okay.

That's an oil-based, plant-based lubricant.

All right.

And did you want bacon or sausage?

One meat.

Cooked?

What?

Cooked.

Which meat did you want?

The hot meat.

Okay.

Yeah, you know, it comes from pork.

Pork meat.

Ah!

i love it and he was having fun that whole thing was good everybody's happy that everybody had fun

and no food got made and wasted right you know what i mean exactly yeah like i laughing or

listening his laugh but that was it was funny i hope so i really worry about that like i see

setting up like does it come with and it's gonna like oh here comes the eggs with hate

what what a fun shot somebody should draw you like a stupid sitcom character

saying like eggs with me oh man a comic book character

yeah like like you're you're good you like you know the eva shores man oh fuck here's another

other ihop hi honey that's really how you answer hi hello i like to make an order okay do you speak

english okay i think she was the first in the class in her esl okay yeah uh you want my name

cruz cruz c-r-u-z what can i get you okay i need let's see one eggs side of eggs no i like the

order of eggs i like them cooked with heat okay all right my friend dwight's gonna put an order

on and i want you to get it right if it's not right i send it back you understand all right

dwight talk to this little honey this little vagina here please hey there dick portal i need

to make an order as well hello i figure someone else should try something because um she hung up

hey hey zax maybe the next uh i have we call you tell them that we need cigarette or ashtrays in

the room and uh you lost your virginity we'll just bring out all the old hacky shit if anyone's

wondering i did get a uh picture of me trying to flush the towel on the toilet yes yes when g

when g had hit the room dude g had really anxious the whole time like remember how i kept telling

just let us vape in here it doesn't smell like for that long just let us do it you probably gave

up the next that that last morning i was like oh now we can vape in here thanks but it uh i thought

i smelled it like i went to sleep and like i was like i was like carlita must be bad yeah probably

like old fucking ladies yeah all right so yeah we didn't get to that matt got real upset because

all right so what time is it matt you claim that that everyone got kicked out because i wasn't

there for this i think i was downstairs taking a shower getting peeped on by wasted memory in

your room i can't i can't gather with my stuff and i was feeling tired but then i bumped into

you and wasted memory and lux and lux's little uh lux's twink friend and he's a little twink on

him right give him a ride i like to see his muscles see his body that little boy that looks

he hooked up my computer for me

and shit he was playing a game

he had a tight little asshole on him I think

you know

no I'm just kidding

I'm just saying he was a cute guy

if I went that way

he was neat I think he got real upset

cause I said

he gave me a stick eye cause I said

some shit about his faggot something

like when I first

like first got in

but then I started saying something about

fucking tranny friends or something right and this like he warmed up to me yeah like uh this is just

dude he's just fucking gruff he's a fucking cripple you know what can you do yeah but i mean

he shoplifts from cbs all the time i'm not saying it out of any hate i'm just like yeah

fucking beat her friends or whatever kdk used to use that word all the time on his show he

call a guy a faggot and he was

just silly

but I saw him give me a look

and I'm like alright dude sorry

it's okay

I ain't got no hate for you

you want to see my penis look

I'm cool

let's make out for a minute and make a great video

oh Carlito

I

before the kibosh went on the evening

I had a great plan

that we could make a video of you being like

god damn it Hillock

i'm throwing you in a fucking shower you dirty i thought we were i do i do when we were saying

goodbye in hillary's room carly i tried to punch me we we were gonna be we are all gonna be high

as a kite because i bought the dab rig yeah and everybody is drinking we got four cases of beer

but no what happened carly yeah okay look i tried to stay up i held out dude as long as i could and

And I took I took that dad with you at what time that you did try, man.

Yeah, you did put in a value for it.

But I'm saying I can't believe that effort.

I could have got you to stay awake.

I asked you if you wanted to pack it.

You said no.

Oh, like me and me, Giotta and Jack were, like I said, all driving out of there at nine o'clock in the morning.

You were offering me.

Yeah.

I don't remember.

Were you offering me?

Yes.

Oh, see, I just I never have done that.

and i just think i'll just have a heart attack and die because you wouldn't and that's your

again your old women i don't get it but you didn't so i was here's the interview in the car

if you like i get i would get arrested i would i would get hooked instantly guys i didn't try some

no no man yeah don't say don't talk queer butts

what you're listening yeah what huh there's what oh here's you know here's the minute uh car ride

where you interviewed matt about what the problem was okay the best parts of it i didn't catch

i can't he kept uh toning down whenever i turn on record

like jayad and jag were like it's time to go to bed at 11 like party's over well you know that's

It's midnight for us, because we're not from here.

It's still, it's a Saturday night, and you're young.

We're married with children, and we work.

Again, it's Saturday night.

It's Saturday night.

Saturday night.

I'm driven to a different state on a fucking thing.

It blows my mind.

And I posted a video of me seven years ago at a hack convention in Vegas when my roommates went to film.

Yeah, Matt, no one's doubting your ability to party and hang.

Hello, Matt.

Yeah.

Hello, Matt.

Hey, it's Brad.

Brad, what's up?

No, no.

If anything, it gave me, like, more, like, goddammit, you are Matt fucking Hillock.

Like, maybe you are, like, Big Fucking Ditto.

fuck the squares you know and gave me a lot of confidence that i was able to stay up all day

and not like piss myself and not fall down and walk around the whole thing your bathroom was

very far in the place you know for you yeah it was it was yeah and it was hard for you to get

there was no arms on the chair oh yeah my complaints about the room right yeah so

So there's a number in this chat that should be very nice for you.

A number that would be very nice for me in this chat.

OK, I've called her before and she gets pissed.

All right. Hotel Molta with no phones in rooms.

Very angry. Benchot machine.

Valerie, that got angry about Dwight talking about.

Let me ask her right quick.

Why is it OK to fuck with Indian people like racist?

But not any other racist.

I mean, I don't know.

No, they get really angry.

When they get angry, Indians are funny.

Yeah, but I guarantee if you called them chicken shacks and called them spooks, they would get angry.

Yeah, I had on those too.

But, like, Dancho doesn't really racial slur.

Well, it's, uh, and our Mexican restaurants and saying something, you know, like a sister fucker in Spanish.

Um, like, why is it Indians?

Okay, like, everybody's, it's okay to shit on.

I'm not saying that.

I don't give a fuck.

No, you're shitting.

It's not really racist.

You're just calling him a motherfucker.

Just saying what you would call him.

Yeah, I'm saying

why it doesn't happen

at Chinaman restaurants

or Mexican restaurants.

Why is it that it's

Indian as well?

Oh no, we're going to get blocked on the YouTube.

You know?

Yes, I know.

I don't think anybody understands.

Because we hate Indians.

Indians are shit.

I'm not, yeah.

Yeah, I didn't mean to.

No, I'm...

Hi, this is Valerie. I'm currently unavailable

to take your call.

I thought you heard what we said about

indents.

I just

don't understand how everybody

is just like, that's an

acceptable race to fuck with.

They're funny

to mess with. They just get so

little, like, because they're supposed to be such a

peaceful society, you think, with the Buddha

thing, but you just hear them and they're just like

like, yeah, their insults

are funny. I mean, come on, you know, it's all

I'm going to fuck your sister.

I think that's

any ethic.

Like, if you started calling

all Guatemalan places

or something, like, how is

it that Indian is

like, what is the

thing to fuck with, you know?

Haven't you heard the calls, Matt?

Yeah, but

again, if you

put a microscope on anything

thing you can find the funny like if you started calling all lebanese restaurants and finding

whatever whatever slang yeah fuck your mom i agree you're right the indians seem to be more

prevalent i mean we i i know for the pranks that i see going on in a restaurant like it's just a

weird like it's such like a small little thing that aren't around like i'm saying it could be

any ethnic minority i'm not i don't understand i'm sorry what i said i think carlito should do

lebanese next week or whatever just any you know what i'm saying like any sure any first

generation people are gonna be funny and you can wind them up yeah like why is it okay and nobody

happy i'm not available right now but if you leave your name and number i'll get back to you as soon

this i guarantee if this was you know black restaurants people would not find it funny

well i mean as long as i mean if they're getting angry i guess oh oh okay you just want them like

how's he doing sir what's what you gotta do that kind of talking shit i guess yeah well see i don't

call any restaurants and go where i go i'm going for bencher like i don't do that i call us like

ignorant american you know like boo i'm an ignorant american attitude exactly you don't

know like i don't know but then i say bancho and they're like what who the fuck is this guy like

i mean yeah i get it in the vernacular yeah and the spanish culture really is too you know it's

it's it's well known all the fucking shit why not why not yeah but there's never spanish risk

so we can start with like african countries like maybe nigeria nigerians

oh yeah we gotta find funny insults i mean i'm willing to try oh i'm again and i'm not

talking shit i'm i'm just oh you're talking shit you're talking shit no yeah yeah

god no dude dude dude just saying like i just i don't it's okay it's okay all he's doing is

saying indian curse words he's not just curse words is all i'm saying okay then call the

There are calls in Mexican restaurants

with Mexican curse words.

Let's call some black people

and say fuck you.

There are no calls in Mexican restaurants.

We'll call some black people and be like,

hey man, what's up man?

You know what I'm saying?

I'll call a waffle place right now. Take it easy.

Don't be so angry and sore at me.

Call a black people restaurant.

Or Chinaman restaurants

and say,

whatever the fuck.

like look up fuck you in chinaman i don't know well they got so many dialects too and i try to

curse in chinese and they never get it the answer is because this is america and we're afraid to be

racist yeah this is carlito show yeah that's the most important all right but i'll do it thank you

for calling roscoe's house of chicken and waffles there does that work for you five one four north

hours are monday through thursday 8 30 a.m until 12 midnight

night friday 8 30 a.m until 4 a.m saturday 8 a.m until 4 a.m and sunday 8 a.m until 12 midnight

what do i hit here is available on a first the selection is invalid oh please re-enter

the c button please re-enter c button thank you for calling house of chicken and waffles

located at one five one four north the selection is invalid please re-enter what do i hit sorry

you're having trouble please try again later oh god goodbye well that was great yay way way to

derail things a lot yeah hello geez man it's complaint salary doesn't steam break hillock

over here that's you know you know who said that kind of one that to the fact uh horror director

fred vocal really it's not movies he said he said oh look everybody's standing on here smoking dope

having a fun time and here comes hillock the tornado to ruin everybody's night well fuck him

then you should have fucking boiled water and thrown in his face yeah hey man how you doing

what's up man i want to make an order man yeah my my name is leroy yeah i want more waffles

and one chicken machine that's why man all right there you got your answer that's that i mean that's

that's but what what what that's basically a bunch of for black didn't but it could just be

another another foreign restaurant yeah i don't know why yeah yeah yeah yeah there's certain

places i just i they're prepared for pranks and they don't really entertain them and that's like

adult stores don't uh spencer's gifts i don't black stores i'm just asking other than indian

there's no cantonese calls there's no i mean nobody indian people react like a really certain

way though they just freak out they're like you know fuck you son of a bitch i think it's because

like they're like they speak a lot of english there you go carly don't i'm firing you some

non-chain black owned uh restaurants and why don't chinese use more cheese in their food

what's up with that because cheese is gross no it's not dude who the fuck wants that and think

about an animal okay you go to an animal yeah you take the milk out of it you fucking let it rot

no who wants to rip open an animal take the beef out of it yeah and eat all the beef you know when

you eat pizza like every fucking day man i like it but i think wow yeah it is but i eat the fuck

out of some cheese but i'm saying the idea of is gross so like a chinaman just probably didn't

think of it like it's who the fuck thinks of hello well i know the idea is that hello hi yes

i'd like to make an order are you is this mandarin or cantonese uh always a little bit what do you

mean a little bit are you mandarin or cantonese some mandarin some canton no but you english no

but you speak that but what or what region are you from are you cantonese are you from hong kong

or are you Mandarin from the rest of the mainland?

I can take your order.

Well, because I heard that the Cantonese are dirty people,

that only the Mandarin are good from Hong Kong

or good, clean people.

Sorry, I don't understand.

Oh, come on.

Are you Mandarin or Cantonese?

Come on, ni hao?

That was fun.

Yeah, I sure think I'm...

It shows how learned you are, buddy.

Isn't it Cantonese in Hong Kong?

You might be right.

You would know because you're, you know,

you you personally used to own them you had a stake yeah yeah you were an investor fire one

of these ones i just gave you i'll i'll fucking do that 10-4 mr dwight mcclank which are the

restaurants all right go ahead uh everyone brett has a fork go ahead oh

i was just wondering did you do any carving calls on

this show because i missed the first hour and a half yeah there was just one arguing one right

dwight everyone else didn't answer i think yeah that's too bad yeah even now the guy in the dead

didn't go yeah one guy argued a little bit and then it got quiet and awkward you know and i had

to kill it you know that you hate those fuck damn it and we didn't get to play smash tv but it's

okay uh brad we played pool together that's even cooler yeah we did oh i didn't mean to

hop it i almost beat me a toyed man but then i can't believe i stood up that whole fucking time

i was watching legend video for a minute long yeah how you doing there boy i need to make an

order yeah this is tyler i'm white i'm cisgender and i'm privileged so if you have any other people

trying to make orders you put me to the front i said because i'm white i go to the front of the

line so if there's any ethnic people trying to make an order right now they have to wait

You say you white, you go to the front of the line?

That's right, boy.

Oh, okay.

You must know who you're talking to.

Now, who am I talking to, boy?

You better recognize who you're talking to.

Who am I talking to?

My name's Tyler.

Tyler?

Tyler Perry?

Yes.

No, Tyler Durton.

Tyler who?

Durton.

The Dirt?

Yeah, Durton.

Who am I coming to see, motherfucker?

See, there you go, cussing.

Well, you cussed at me first, son of a bitch.

I never did cuss at you, sir.

Yeah, you called me a cracker, and now I called you boy.

No, no, you called yourself a cracker.

No, I didn't.

Why?

You're a black person.

Why?

Yeah, got him.

Told him.

He didn't get to the Tyler Durden reference?

Come on.

Yeah, so that there, if we were a popular show, we would probably lose all our endorsements.

And that's how the world is now.

I'm just pointing it out.

I'm not upset you did that.

I'm just saying it's true.

But fine with Indian people.

Yeah, yeah.

They don't have a voting power, you know?

That's why.

That's all it is, buddy.

you know once they do have a space program though oh yeah they have a senator now or they have a

congressman now so they're starting fucking starting right yeah yeah red tide red tide

anyway so brad uh the bradley no brad's your good brad what's your favorite memory of the

meetup like did you get to play pool like a little girl came right you got to play pool

with her or something or did i imagine that what are you talking about wasn't there like a little

girl no okay you're not supposed to he's on he's in enough trouble as it is oh

Oh, I didn't know.

No, really, there was no females at the meet-up.

There was one guy with his girlfriend, that's it.

What about the two lesbian moms that brought their kid?

Well, yeah, I don't know if they count.

Yeah, so three females total.

That was hot.

It was a sausage fest.

Yeah, they were laying on the pool table, and the one girl was on top of her.

There was a lot of young, pale, foam-loser fans out there.

I was looking for that, and there was none.

The one lesbian was like, I'm going to make all the balls disappear.

on the pool table and she got like four of them in she was way too yeah that was the best and

then she's like spitting them okay all right enough yeah and apparently i don't know how

to play shuffleboard i was trying to make the machine go with jag we couldn't figure that

stupid fucking game out it's got fucking sawdust on it and that's not sanitary well that's what's

to make it blind oh really salt or dust oh wow mr wizard here huh guys does anyone else want to call

A black-owned restaurant?

I'm just fucking with you, buddy.

Mr. Wizard was an awesome fucking show there.

I remember the sweaters.

They were, you know, they were better than Bill Cosby's Coogee sweaters because they were cheaper.

I don't know.

I was busy learning science, not critiquing men's fashion.

He had the crazy wicked eyebrows, though.

Hello?

How can I help you?

Hi, honey.

I wanted to make an order.

Are you the one with the eyebrows?

Um, probably not.

I'm not sure.

Oh, wow.

That sucks.

So she doesn't have any eyebrows?

That's gross.

Do you paint them on?

Do I paint my eyebrows?

Yeah, with a Sharpie?

No.

Oh, okay.

You just don't have any?

Ew.

Are you albino?

Is that why?

Is this something I can help you with?

Is this the albino girl?

Yeah, I wanted to make an order.

Okay, what can I get you?

One meat.

One meat?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Meat as in?

Hot meat.

Can we make a payment in eyebrow pencils?

She's gone.

It's so funny.

Dwight, you said black.

I did it a girl who

she didn't Sharpie them, but she

pretty much drew them on every morning.

Yeah, drew them on.

Sharpie would be funny, though.

Is this some jail shit

or something?

BRB.

Call volume is low.

Thank you very much, Brad, for reporting that via Jack Heliquin.

Jack's just drunk.

He's just old and can't hear anyway.

Yeah, yeah.

Maybe the music's too loud.

That's another problem.

Walter wants to know when the next meetup is.

Sorry.

The mailbox is full and there is not enough space to leave him.

Not enough spaces.

So how do you feel about the San Francisco thing?

Like six months, one year would be easier, I think.

What's weird is I was going to do this anyway.

way i'm like in the spring i was gonna drive down california you know all the way down to la

and there's a bunch of like friends i just want to see yeah and then some pla people too okay

i was hoping to meet like nick caesar and don fickles but i was definitely going to do san

francisco a few places in between yeah i can't if something happens in san francisco i can't not go

because that's where milkman is so it'd be real fucked up if i didn't go i'll definitely yeah

Yeah, I'll definitely be there as long as, you know, my probation allows me to.

I think they will.

I don't know why they wouldn't.

Yeah, yeah, you got to get that extension.

Get your forms in, Brad Carter.

Jesus.

Yeah, I will.

You know?

That's a lot of paperwork.

In the mall, triple kit and shit like that.

I'm stalling for time.

I'm trying to see if anyone donated here.

Just a moment.

Do you monetize your YouTube at all, like with the smart, the super chats and stuff?

Do you actually do that?

Every once in a while, yeah.

I'll go on the PLA thing and do prank shows and people send in super chats sometimes.

that's kind of cool okay especially since uh my snowplow show channel demonetized me

completely completely the whole channel like temporary or just permanent permanent basis

they say they say that i'm putting up other people's material like full episodes of other

people's material or something whatever yeah it's fucking yeah that rhythm is garbage yeah yeah

that's like their the blanket statement that they give everyone i've seen a bunch of people

right it is their monetization for that reason they need to really explain that uh real quick

quick i want to give a shout out to the following people who have donated uh via youtube super

chats throughout the show uh walter british accents walton no walter heimlich maneuver

uh ten dollars thank you when is the next meetup motherfucker cx crew represent well i probably

just gave out a fucking warning shot guys and then uh hashtag free arab andy hashtag 2td okay

Okay, cool.

Big Greg donated $10, said Carlito is the man.

Yes, I am.

Thank you for pointing that out.

Big Heimlich also says Matt House observes Sharia law, excluding Matt.

Sorry, Matt.

Praise be to Allah.

Okay.

Jack Heliquin donated and said Matt Helich will never die.

Good.

He's been cloned, apparently.

We have his DNA.

That was all part of the meeting up.

That was part of my operation.

I got his DNA.

I spent a lot of time in that bathroom.

for him walter heimlich also uh donated again and said when is the next meetup bench he asked again

he's really into so you did that perfect timing right brett so san francisco i guess in march

yeah maybe maybe uh yeah yeah i guess i'm gonna be going through uh denver next week i think on

tuesday yeah like um i'm meeting a friend there but i'm just thinking i just yeah we're gonna be

here why don't you meet up with us i'm traveling around man you live in the life lately look at

you, man. I'm driving

back home. Okay. Well, I'm

saying you've been traveling around this

year. It's a busy 2018 for you. That's

awesome. That's right. Let's hear it for you.

Clap. All right.

I'm going to

try to do a couple more calls.

Anything pertinent I need to know, Dwight,

as far as numbers that you may have sent? I got a

couple more black-owned businesses.

I dropped some Indian stuff in there, too.

Indians? All right. Yeah. This is

all thanks to Matt for giving us

the idea. I appreciate it, Matt.

constructive criticism buddy not criticism just an observation even i don't know if you're here

blame would you blame jihad for making the entire meetup happen because i was just gonna go see matt

and do a party time with them well blame is a harsh word maybe but yeah no i mean it was awesome

i don't mean blame i would give credit for organizing it yeah i just wish it would have

been announced earlier we could have had an even better turnout thank you for calling

Hi, I wanted to call about making an order to a black business.

I'm sorry?

This is a black-owned restaurant, correct?

Yes.

Okay, yes, I would definitely want to make an order then.

Okay, sir, what can I help you with?

Because I want to experience it.

Okay, let's see, like one elephant foot, please.

You're being really funny.

Okay, I have no time for this.

No, what's on the menu then tonight?

What do you got?

Where have you ever ate elephant feet at?

South Africa, as a matter of fact, during the World Cup in 2010.

uh 2010 okay well this is an african restaurant it's a creole restaurant oh okay racist uh one

alligator all of a sudden it's at a black and establishment okay right i'm very offended by

that call let me ask carlito because you guys brought up throughout the gofundme thing is there

a better place to do it than gofundme uh i hear that gofundme does a high like a five percent off

off the top i think or something like that well it says they do a payment processing fees 2.9

plus they take 30 cents per donation okay 30 cents per donation yeah yeah so out of a dollar

they take 30 of a dollar donation basically uh i mean yeah that's what i've heard that

complaint about them that they they're kind of pricey but they're i mean a lot of people use it

yeah they all do it though yeah really i think for a long-term thing if you're thinking about

getting help to transport out there

I think yeah that'd be the best option would be

to do that

twitch take 50%

then this fucker wants me to put my zip code in

I don't want to fucking put my zip code in are you serious

oh shit well you gotta get that PO box

man you gotta get that drop zone

you know what I mean

you can get stuff on the dark web

all those marijuana brownies that you had

over the weekend that you like so much

6-0-6-0-6

your zip code is like robocop

but if you take the zeros out it's rbcp ah nice get it get it yeah robocop rbcp i thought that's

what you named yourself at when i first started hearing your stuff i thought you were named after

robocop then red box chili pepper like a license plate robocop yeah is there something behind

red box chili pepper or is it just what you what you came up with one day just something random

yeah it's just like when i was bbsing i couldn't think of anything better i like the red hot chili

chili peppers at the time okay i named myself red hot chili but it works was this like under

the bridge era or when was it i'm and oh no that would have been way before okay i would think

right so like under the bridge era he said oh no yeah it was before it was like their first

four albums i stopped liking them after i went under the bridge came out i'm like wow they really

really suck really these people oh man i didn't learn about them until that album i don't know

when i'm old school red hot chili peppers it was like back when they were in the movie thrash and

with it's time for the thrash bash oh yeah they they were kind of i still i didn't like that that

like funky shit of them though like i remember getting like stealing some of the cds out or

or no cassettes out of somebody's car

and not, like, digging it

when I listen to it.

So, I hate the singer dude's face

when they've gotten really popular.

I hate it.

I just hate that Anthony Kiedis thing.

Something about his look.

If you know your party,

if you would like to take a short break

about your call today,

stay on the line at the end of your call.

Flea's, like, a punk rock motherfucker.

Oh, yeah.

I don't even know the difference

between Anthony and Flea.

Hello?

Can you hear me now?

Yeah, is this rent payment?

Yes, your rent payment, and my name is Nicky.

How can I help you?

Hi, Nicky.

How are you, Nicole?

Nicole?

No, it's Nicky.

Nicky?

Uh-huh.

Nicky or Nicky?

Nicky.

Okay.

I'm wondering why I'm trying to check out, and it's expensive to use a credit card.

Can you provide me your first and last name so I can pull up your profile?

I don't have a profile yet.

I haven't saved yet.

Yeah, I'm looking here, and it shows this.

But it says that I can use a code, like a coupon code.

For payment.

Yeah.

Yes, you can use that for a payment, but I'm not sure.

Okay, give me the code, give me the code, give me the code.

I want free payment.

Oh, we are not the one who will provide those.

No, you provide.

You have a code that you use for testing.

Give me right now.

I want it.

We don't have the code.

Come on.

Come on, I need all the help I can get.

Come on, you got a 10% off or a free note?

The property manager is only the one who will provide it.

Come on, just give me a code, you know?

Because that way, why do you offer the code and don't give the code to put in?

Why?

We do not offer a code.

What?

What do you mean?

Just can you tell me what the passcode is then that you put in?

There's kind of a coupon code.

It says coupon.

Hello?

Okay, so let me go check.

Let me try it.

What do I check out?

Let me see.

No.

What do I put in?

You need to contact your property manager first because we are not the ones who will provide this information.

It says here that you provide a coupon code for me to have a discount on the rent payment for one month.

Come on.

You know what it is.

Make it go.

What do I put in?

What's the numbers?

Just give me a sign.

Is it for a promo code?

Yeah, a promo code.

Just give me a sign.

Give me a sign.

I understand, sir, but the promo code is not implemented yet.

can i put in like howard 100 no it doesn't go what about what do i what else what other

codes can i try can i put in uh phone losers

well these codes don't work though give me a code i can i have a website i go to

that it says all all the coupon codes here and i tried them all none of them fucking work why is

your website is broken yes but that is not implemented yet or that that is not activated

yet i'm putting in my code and it doesn't take my code do you understand for a moment yes for a

moment god damn it really making me angry all right mickey mickey god damn it shit but like

i said we do not implement that code yet i'm gonna start touching my private parts if you don't

find out the code what do you mean you're gonna have to hear me while i touch my private parts

Sure, sir, but we do not implement that kind of words.

Why did you say?

You mumbled about words.

What did you say, little monkey?

I'm sorry?

Why did you say little monkey, huh, starter?

What do you mean?

Why did you say monkey?

You're not the one who will provide those codes.

Only the property managers will provide you those.

And I said if you don't give me the codes, I'm going to start touching my private parts.

I'm doing it.

i'm making you i may i'm doing i'm touching my private parts i'm i'm being very inappropriate

right now inappropriate guys yeah this is gonna get us flagged

yeah we're gonna get us flagged wouldn't that used to be the american airlines yeah yes it did

very good yeah bring in hashtag fun with brand legion my friend yep yep yeah you ever look

looking to get commercials brad you ever looking to get in like coupon or whatever those codes like

where you can become an affiliate for like all those different i don't know i hear them a lot

on podcasts the same ones you know i want one of those amazon things where people could when they

buy shit on amazon you get a kickback yeah yeah like duncan russell used to always have that i

don't know how it works though i try people yeah people just go to amazon.com slash whatever and

and eat whatever their purchases are.

Is that one of those up, though?

It's easy.

You do it through your Amazon account.

PhoneLosers.com slash Amazon.

I've got one.

I don't ever use it or promote it, but it's there.

Is it?

Yeah, I've had it for a few years now.

Should I set up a party-type one, Fred?

Yeah, it's easy.

Yeah, look up PhoneLosers.com slash Amazon.

It's on there.

Well, I want to ask you how to do it,

not go buy something on there.

and i can teach you how you can take all the data from when they buy the stuff you can it'll send it

to you in an email so you can see what they buy and who their friends and what their friends buy

it's really cares yeah it's awesome that that's not a way to sell your fucking amazon links and

then you're gonna look at all their shit i don't that's the whole thing i don't

and i'm done with this why am i holding with this shit come on guys you don't know who

you just know so much yeah yeah sometimes a little less creepy carlito you can see what

is purchased not what your friends buy i know i was just kidding good lord help me i can't make

a joke here this is joke show well but you're just saying about how that you want to get a link

to get that kind of shit and then you said you have one but then you said you can go look through

than people said.

Oh, thanks, Buckshot.

Thank you very much.

Thanks, Buckshot, for whatever you did.

Thanks, Buckshot.

Thanks for not doing it for me.

You know, thanks a lot.

You said you already have one.

I'm calling John Garbac.

May I help you?

Hey, this is a black-owned restaurant.

Is this a black-owned restaurant business?

Yes, it is, sir.

Good, good.

I want to experience some good Africanized food.

I'm trying to learn palates, you know, change my palates.

Okay, it's a Jamaican restaurant.

Okay, what part of Africa is that in?

It's like the Caribbean, not like Africa, Africa.

Okay, the Caribbean Africa?

Yeah.

The Caribbean side of Africa, so like where the horn, the opposite side of the horn?

Okay, all right, that's nice that you're here, that your people are here.

Yeah.

All right, so I would like one jerk.

Jerk chicken?

One jerk.

Is it jerk chicken or jerk tofu?

Jerk cocoa?

Cocoa?

No, we do have jerk chicken.

Okay.

Oxtail, curry goat.

Curry goat.

Do you have curry chicken?

Yeah, we do have curry chicken.

Do you have the pies, the little turnover meat pies?

We have the patties, the beef patties.

The Jamaican beef patties?

Yeah, I want some and I want to throw them.

Okay.

How many of the beef patties?

Throw them at your head, you know?

I need four of them.

I'm going to throw two of them at you when I get there, though.

But I'm paying for it.

Okay.

All right, so you might not want to make them too hot

because I'm going to throw you and hit you in the head really hard with a Jamaican.

Why would you do that?

Oh, just for fun, you know.

Okay.

All right.

What else do you want?

Well, no, just, you know, that's just part of it.

And then maybe me and you sit down.

Do you serve Jamaican root beer?

No.

The beer we have is Guinness South, Henneken, Corona, Red Stripe beer.

Red Stripe.

Yeah.

Okay.

Do you have Vulture?

No, we don't.

You know, because isn't that the bird that you, the bird in Jamaica?

No, we don't have it.

You have a big vulture as your national bird, isn't it?

Well, we don't have it.

Okay, all right.

All right, do you have cockroach?

No.

All right, do you have rice and peas?

Yes, we do have rice and peas.

How much pea is in it?

Hold on.

You wash the rice with pea?

Man, just some jerk chicken with the Guinness Stout sounds amazing.

amazing that red stripe is kind of called hudson's the like that red stripe is kind of it's kind of

like sour like an ipa but it's not an ipa it's not that good red stripe and it's a small bottle

you know i just want to throw it like red stripe red stripe i used to like if i got a source it's

cool because they're like little fake grenade yeah they make good molotov cocktails come on man

And it's just, why do you always bring your culture with you?

No, it's true.

They do.

I saw a documentary on Molotov cocktails, and that's the best one.

Jamaicans win in Molotov cocktail war.

Hello?

Yeah, hey, yes, hey, little monkey.

I was calling to make an order, please.

All right.

What's your name?

My name is Cross.

C-R-O-S-S.

I like one.

Do you have chicken biryani?

Okay, one CTM.

okay uh one bhenchod one bhenchod uh i think it means sister fucking your sister specifically

what my name is don oh he was not happy i ruined it i'm trying to set up an amazon affiliate link

right now thank you everyone be sure to visit that when you see that you get your shit there

your shit there get expensive big ticket item stuff tvs and cars and fucking apartment buildings

if i knew if brad or fucking carlito if i knew you guys had one i'd be doing that all the time

because i always get shit from you oh well don't do brad do mine if you do that yeah maybe

well you know sometimes you do his and sometimes you do mine yeah i'm saying i would have been

doing it the whole like forever but i don't mean i don't do enough shows to know are you able to do

your own yeah that's what i'm setting us up uh fucking amazon hi this is punjabi yeah i'd like

to make an order for food throw it in your head yeah okay uh do you do you have chicken biryani

yes okay one butter butter chicken yeah okay uh do you have any naan yeah which one naan

What kind of naan do you have, garlic?

Garlic naan, garlic chili naan.

Garlic chili, garlic naan, just garlic naan, god damn it.

Okay, how many, sir?

Motherfucker, two.

Two, okay, and?

Ah, and then one banchot.

What?

One banchot.

Hello?

Yeah, one banchot, huh?

Who are you?

Bloody bastard, you.

You, bloody bluster.

No, you bloody bluster motherfucker guy, you.

You are motherfucker.

Motherfucker gandu banchot, teddy marilana.

You.

No, you motherfucker first.

Teddy bandilana.

Why are you salting me?

What is your language?

You can give the order.

I give it to your mother when I fuck her.

I will fuck your mother.

No, I fuck your mother first, though.

I will fuck your mother.

No, your mother has big ass on your mother.

But your mother is a better fucking your mother.

I think I get the point.

Nice.

I get the point.

the why

you see how they are

you see what did we learn tonight

Matt that is why

we prank andean places

this is a teaching show

yeah they have a weird way

of doing curses

yeah

it's a lot of family fucking

talk which is weird

because it's gotta be like

well you know about them right

in their culture they literally

literally fuck their brothers and sisters and like cousins on a regular basis like

they're so protective of over and over because of that oh like the protective like they're like

freudian kind of i dated an indian girl she told me this she's like yeah these people she's like

she's like all these fucking all me fucking family members like a bunch of sick fuckers

talking about like her cousins and stuff like oh they fuck their sisters and yeah and they said

it's a culture thing hey speaking of which real quick and i gotta end the show but what's up with

everyone going off on sigmund ford that he's sigmund fraud and whatnot like why is it in

vogue now i don't i don't know i'm so out of the loop and of like popular culture you know

yeah like i didn't know that was an issue at all right now like i did i didn't know until

three days afterwards that some houses were blowing up in some state

is it massachusetts yeah there was randomly blowing up i did i only know because i saw

youtubers talking about it like i really don't know right um hey real quick uh thank you to

inspector ratchet who donated a two dollar super chat he says mf doom remix machines on my channel

for your show so an inspector ratchet he's got mf doom remixes matt check that out i know you're a

a big fan of the doom remixes also so inspector ratchet i believe is his uh youtube shit machine

i want to check that out

psycho beef sticker says dwight

we saw your face on the meetup video deleted there was no sense in hiding i i was very aware

after the meetup that my face was gonna end up out there anyway so i really didn't give a shit

i brought the i brought the disguise with me but i was like it's too fucking hot to be wearing

in that thing yeah man yeah it was kind of stuffy right yeah but hey overall we we had fun right we

all you know you know it got weird i walked i had a walk a drunk walk it was like i took peyote or

something i just went walking everyone kept going hey where's carlito like man i don't know he said

he's like texted said he'd be back in like 90 minutes i don't know i wanted to walk to the

mcdonald's but i got to the corner and i got scared and that crosswalk right there by the

yeah i sat there and i watched it for like 15 minutes and then i would berate myself for not

doing it i'm like you're just fucking drunk and high you can't do it you fucking piece of shit

but then i'm glad jack explained to me no it's a bad intersection you know

oh me and giad walked over there to get water and beer at the gas station right next door

and they don't give you long to cross they don't give you long to cross what's that they don't

give you that long to cross i noticed that light and then it's like 100 yards between the fucking

sidewalks and a fucking it seems like in chicago pedestrians just fucking go all the time you know

what i mean people run ran red lights a lot i saw that a lot like no kidding it was really i wasn't

i'm not used to actually i've noticed that a lot around here too like i'm down in southern illinois

like compared to oregon yeah people are always taking your turns they run stop signs yeah like

Like, when it turns yellow, they just keep going.

Yeah, they don't speed up.

If they're pedestrian and you can make it before the car hits you, you know, you'll speed up to just be nice so the car doesn't have to slow down that much.

They just walk.

They're like, fuck that.

Yeah, but no one honks a horn.

No one honks a fucking horn.

I didn't hear one person honk a horn down there, I think.

And compared to New York City, when I went there in March, you just honk the horn and you kind of hear it, you know what I mean?

but you don't be like oh motherfucker you honk the horn you're like ah he's not happy i get it

my bad yo yo ellie wiener l.e wiener why

no i'm not doing that now there's something

ellie wiener

what kind of unique visitor hits does the party time show

show we gotta take this off air i gotta end the show and my wife's gonna come hit me with a rolling

pin yes exactly quickly before you go off could you post the link to the the facebook event in

your chat yes you okay the people can you put it in the skype chat can you sit okay i will take it

from there and then put it in which one you explained to me very good you uh your youtube

chat for all the people there which one the gofundme that dwight's posting or no oh you

You already got to go?

Can you post it again so I can see it?

I don't think that's the right link for it.

I think that's mine.

I won't do it then until you get it.

There's plenty of time for that.

This one.

All right, this one here.

I will right-click it and do copy message.

Okay, I think I can do that in the YouTube.

I think so.

I think I can.

Yeah, yeah.

I tried to post the link in the chat, but YouTube was like,

no, you're not allowed.

You're not the boss here.

You can't do links.

Back alley pranks.

Airhead.

It's done.

done yo it's in the youtube all right it's done hey thanks everyone in the youtube chat and see

little thank you for the uh super chat that is a legit thank you from me carlito ellie wiener good

job dwight what what is it you know what what is the joke what is the joke of what why ellie wiener

why why is that going to be used against me or something yeah damn it what have you made me do

anyway go ahead uh brad what was that go ahead sir oh that that that c c light person they said

they were gonna give three dollars and they only gave two oh come on see light pop up that other

dollar well i appreciate the two dollars it's fine look guys i'm hanging up i gotta go this

is bullshit all right see you bye be angry wait how many fucking things do you the website get

a month i don't know i can't tell you that will i'll answer that off here oh yeah one million

one million billion yeah you guys did it can we talk about amazon for 15 minutes before we log

no we're gonna go bye everybody one million subscribers to the matt hillock experience

only on prank call nation everyone and be sure to check that out what am i saying you're all

doing it already yeah all right look i gotta go i want to thank everyone who tuned in and

donated super chats i hope you all enjoyed the show um i'm hoping for milkman to be on the next

show so look forward to that and i'm looking to try i'm trying to record the first episode of the

the horse podcast the ones for the one for horse members over at patreon.com forward slash

madhouse okay all right so go over there if you haven't yet i'm planning it it's going to be free

for everyone the first one or two and once the kinks are out it's going exclusive to people who

her donating five dollars it should be i'm aiming for a 30 to 45 minute a week episode so not too

long not too short not like a long show i gotta go guys really um madhouse live.com get out your

get all your links and such and important things there all right see you guys next week next week

What Have We Learned – 9/20/18 Show

Calls (18, 46 min of 2 h 36 min)

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