Blue Crab Machines – 10/4/2018 Show

We have Coke, Diet Coke, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, Root Beer.

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madhouse to show love stick your motherfucking hands up some come close but they can't get it

right let the king do his thing it's time for madhouse loud big up to the man in the madhouse

you heard about what's going on in there heard a lot of bullshit talk i know that much this isn't

bullshit my friend do you know something don't listen what do you know maybe i do and maybe i

don't what i say is they got no business negotiating we're gonna be going back in there

with a bullet for everybody in the yard oh is that right we do it now we do it later later

am i right hal now wait wait wait a minute frank we got a lot of angry guys in there black muslims

panthers young lords besides you the average anti-social we gotta go in right clean your

clocks ladies and gentlemen this is the mailbox number yeah yeah yeah shut up thank you for

calling whole foods market and campbell we are open seven days from 8 a.m to 10 p.m like to a

customer service team member you can press zero at any time we thank you for stopping

while i try that extension thank you for calling hope it's morning thank you for calling yeah so

i was calling i need assistance please something i got from you guys it's not working right yeah

okay i'm trying to get the alexa to correctly take the orders i'm supposed to be able to order

whenever i give it the command it just sits there alexa unfortunately whole foods has nothing to do

with alexa you're gonna have to talk to call i guess the amazon 1-800 number yeah but who signs

your paychecks though uh it doesn't matter who signs my paycheck we have nothing to do with

alexa unfortunately yeah but you're a whole you're wholly owned and i there's no yeah i tried calling

no one answers well i try look watch listen what's the number i have to call uh let's find out i'll

look it up for you too and hurry up all right yeah there's there's some asshole over there

he was looking up the phone number for us hello sir hello sir yeah hello hello did you get the

number yet no i'm looking it up right now oh because i was waiting you know this is very bad

customer service hello sir sir ma'am ma'am hello please i guess he hung up i don't know i don't

know what just happened there let me restart the phone app just in case it's getting all screwed

hey everyone thanks for tuning in to the internet thank you for letting me know alexa um that was

was a weak start to the show but they get better don't worry everything gets better yeah so mad

house live.com will be the website to go to i'm here just waiting for the phone application to

relaunch i think it just crashed in the middle of that that guy got so angry he made the phone

app crash shit so in the meantime we'll wait for that to reopen because it takes forever

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There are no musics on YouTube.

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soon. Over at madhouselive.com, there's links to all my social media, Twitter, Facebook. Be sure

to check all that out. There was no show last week. I apologize, but I did release the first

episode of International Business Telephone Machines. That's my Patreon exclusive. If you're

a horse member, which is a $5 a month donator over at patreon.com slash madhouse, you'll get

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Kind of like a free preview.

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that broadcasts on to you so hey if you're in the madhouse discord don't be careful what you say

because it's it's on it's on youtube right now it's public public record all right all right i'm

you're ringing my fit and my hands look at me i'm i got all these fucking money plans

stealing the the fucking patreon line yeah all right back to the calls let's see if this

restaurant picks up there's more things to give out and stuff like that links and such but we'll

get to those later we got three hours this number right i don't know there's a cable laying across

cross my keyboard no sweat guys i found a bunch of hi salam alaikum

uh yeah uh i wanted to make an order yeah sure what do you like okay let's see here do you have

hummus yes we do okay one other hummus with meat well i don't have that with meat i just

hummus myself okay so does it come with pita chip pita bread yes it does it does okay okay

Okay, all right, and one sharmuta?

Oh, the sandwich, the chicken sandwich.

No, sharmuta, sharmuta.

Shawarma.

Sharmuta.

Yes.

Do you have?

Excuse me?

Do you have sharmuta?

We have a chicken sandwich, and could you please say that it's sharmuta or you meant something else?

No, my friend, he's Arabi.

He told me to order this.

He said it's sharmuta.

He said that it's sharmuta.

Tell him, tell him, tell him to tell you the right words.

Because whatever the word he said, it's the wrong word you're using.

He said it's like a, let me read it to you.

S-H-A-R-M-U-T-A.

It's shawarma, it's not the right way.

Okay, it's shawarma.

And tell him, tell him to spell it right for you and to pronounce it right for you, okay?

But why? You know what I mean. Why are you being so angry about it? I don't understand.

Because the word is wrong. And I don't know who you are. Okay?

Okay. I mean, the word is wrong. It's not my language.

I'm trying to correct you to tell you it's shawarma.

So what is sharmuda then? What is that? What does that mean? I don't understand.

You can ask your friend about that word. Okay?

Can I ask your mother?

Hmm?

Olmec?

Yeah. Ilmec, Olmec, Olmec.

she knows what the word means sharmuta yeah i believe it means whore are you saying what you're

saying do you mean something else hopefully the boss man gets on that he sets me straight

teaches me a lesson all right sharmuta the banchode of arabic how about that folks getting

there all the indian restaurants in this town close for lunch here we go here's one that should

Should be open.

Because I go for those low-hanging fruit at the beginning.

Then I get all cerebral later on.

But I got to boost my ego when I start the show.

I got to get some little fish in me.

You know what I mean?

The song.

Jesus.

But again, getting a lot of normal call clearing.

I don't know exactly what that means when that happens.

It just kind of happens here.

I don't speak Modem.

Here's another one.

Reopens at 5 Pacific.

They all do that.

Must be a thing in this town.

All the Indians close.

Every once in a while, I'll see a Chinese restaurant.

or a japanese like a sit-down chinese or a japanese hibachi place they they open for lunch

and they close and they i figured that they just prep usually for dinner and they have like a big

family dinner and shit i learned that i found out about that because i showed up once right before

they closed after dinner after lunch and they were all setting up the the whole the whole gang was

sitting at a big table eating the stinkiest chinese food i ever smelled like it was like

like fucking whole fish they look blanched like it was a whole fish and it wasn't a good looking

fish it's a very sickly looking white and gray fish like talat like raw tilapia like that but

whole and it smelled like oh it was bad it smelled like fucking bad calling in and out burgers customer

service thank you for calling in and out burger my name is katie hey big katie how are you big girl

hey good how are you i'm good it's good to talk to you again big fat katie how can i help you

Yeah, I was trying to get some answers regarding the diet drinks there, the diet sodas.

Okay, and what can I help you with, sir?

What do you carry?

What's in the machines?

We have Coca-Cola products, so we have...

Are you asking Jeff to direct us about diet?

Do you have a freestyle machine, or do you have regular...

No, we do not.

So what model machine do you have?

I'm not sure.

I'm in the corporate office.

I'd be happy to check for you, if you like.

Can you check to see if you have a TRS-80?

I can place you on hold and find out.

How long is this going to take?

That should take just a moment.

What are the flavors?

We have Coke, Diet Coke, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, Root Beer.

Okay, what else?

7-Up ain't no fucking Coke product, motherfucker.

Technically, neither is Dr. Pepper.

But they work hand in hand, you see, with Coca-Cola and places like McDonald's and stuff.

They will allow Coke.

They work a lot with, I know, they allow them to co-distribute.

they got a relationship with each other despite the fact that coke has mr pibb which is a pale

imitation in my estimate estimation of dr pepper's prowess and power you know in texas they in the

holidays it's tradition to drink warm dr pepper like actually warm up the dr pepper i'm dick

clark you know when the weather is sunny and hot you and i really go for a delicious ice cold dr

pepper the soft drink that goes so well with hot weather and when the weather's cold that's when

when dr pepper tastes a great hot good friends a roaring fire perfect time for hot dr pepper

delicious and so easy to prepare just heat dr pepper in a saucepan till it steams then pour

over a thin slice of lemon that's a hot idea yes dr pepper is delicious cold or hot try hot

dr pepper it's a great winter treat right max hot idea how crazy twisted are those people

right how sick like it's a fucking cider or something his fucking lbj from texas

he was president he had a soda dispenser installed in the oval office that gave out dr pepper that's

i don't know i don't know i mean i would have beer maybe you know or i cook zero cook zero

here's a crab place yeah correct calling the boiling crab and located at boiling crab on

Yeah, first of all, your voicemail system there, the woman can be a lot less rude on it, all right?

Okay.

I'm sorry about that.

Because she'd even say please one time.

Okay.

All right.

I'm sorry about that.

What's her name?

My name is Elliot.

No, the woman on the voicemail.

Her name?

Yeah.

Who is that?

The woman when you call in.

I want her written up.

That's kind of like a standard one for all the boiling crab, actually.

She doesn't work here.

Fucking bitch is what she is.

We'll work on that, all right?

Okay.

I'm sorry about that, sir.

Is there anything else I could help you with?

All right, so listen, I'm having, I took, I had a takeout order of crab machines.

Yes, it was it.

What am I supposed to do with this?

Like, how do they work?

For, you ordered crab, you said?

Crab machines, yeah, I ordered crab machines.

Crab machines, did you order for today or yesterday?

Yeah, I got marketplace crab, market price crab.

They were market priced today, yesterday, yesterday.

My bad, he said they'd be fine.

I'm sorry, sir, I'm confused of what you're asking.

so you said you ordered yesterday yeah i bought crabs yesterday exactly okay you're you're i'm

sorry right i bought and then what was your question i bought blue crab and dungeness crab

machines okay um you're asking how the pricing works i'm asking how they work i already have

them here and i'm trying to make them work they don't they don't start or nothing you but it was

It was cooked already, and you ordered it for a takeout?

Yeah, yeah, but now it's time to eat it.

But how do I, you know, I'm looking for, like, an eject button or something.

I don't see.

The crabs come in a bag, right, to go?

Yeah.

I'm confused the way you're asking for a crab machine.

Well, I'm trying to get access to the crab machine.

I don't, I'm sorry, sir.

I don't know what a crab machine, but we order, we just sell all the crabs just by a hole,

and it comes in the shell, too.

That's what I'm saying, yeah.

The whole crab machine hole in the shell, and the meat's inside.

side right you're right so i tried to like open it up and i don't i mean there's i don't see the

the lever i don't know how you open it up okay give me one moment what do is there a combination

that i have to pull no give me one moment all right i need to reboot them or something i don't

know thank you for holding this is kim speaking how can i help you oh is this fat kim kim yeah

the guy said he was gonna put the big girl on that i saw there was that you yes how can i help you

Yeah, so I got those crab yesterday, the blue crab.

Uh-huh.

All right, so what do I do now?

You ordered to go yesterday?

Yeah.

Okay, was there anything wrong with the crab?

Well, I mean, I don't understand how the crab machine works.

I'm trying to, like, activate it to get to the meat inside.

Like, what do I do?

How do I?

Oh, for blue crab.

What button do I push on them or whatever?

Sorry, I'm not sure if you have the correct number.

This is a restaurant.

We don't sell any machines here.

no well i i mean where i'm from we call everything animals a machine i'm amish you know uh-huh right

so you you want to be able to open the blue crab well i'm trying to eat it now it's time now it's

time to eat right all right so we put down newspaper and everything and i got the girl here

and you know we're gonna you know we're gonna eat and then we're gonna you know but okay so you want

to you want to know how to open a blue crab well i mean all right so i'm looking on here there's no

No manual.

I don't know what to do.

And, like, I tried pulling on this lever here, this one, and nothing.

It doesn't open.

It doesn't activate.

Nothing.

I don't understand.

Let me actually get my general manager for you.

Oh, my God.

What, do we have to start a court case here or something?

What is this?

I'm sorry, because I'm not understanding what you're trying to ask.

I'm trying to eat the crab.

How do I open the crab machine?

Okay, and it's blue crab, right?

Yes.

It doesn't look blue to me.

You have a...

Which is bull crap anyway, because you guys told me on this blue crap stuff, and this is not blue.

Okay, what kind of... I mean, blue crap doesn't have to be blue.

Well, that's the reason why I specifically asked for blue crap, and now, whatever.

It's not even blue.

You ordered this yesterday?

Yes.

Okay, so if you have a cracker, you'll be able to open the crab up with that.

Like, what do you mean a cracker?

There should be a button on here that I press or something?

Okay, give me one second.

Okay.

Good afternoon, sir.

my name is amber i'm actually the general manager let me go ahead and call you on my office phone

god damn it all right fine all righty let's go hurry up i don't even know the the call

the fucking number is working and shit let's test that out while we listen to music because

no one's trying to call no one's even tried the climate giving the number out it's my fault guys

i hope you guys enjoy the show fucking asshole no you guys are great i love you guys oh yeah

She's calling.

Good afternoon, Jack's Pickles and Penis Pumps.

Hello.

Hi, Amber.

Hey, Amber.

I was just talking to you.

Yes.

Okay, yeah, I'm here at work.

I can't help you today.

All right, so like I was just planning already,

like I guess you have to open some kind of federal court case

or something to help me out on what's going on here.

We're trying to understand your situation here.

We're trying to get some information.

Well, I mean, is there a mail manager, or should I talk to you?

I'm actually the general manager.

Did you have an issue with my...

Oh, great.

Very nice, honey.

Okay.

Oh, here we go.

So, basically, I ordered crab yesterday.

Now, first of all, I said blue crab, and these aren't blue.

Because blue crab are, when they're cooked, they turn red.

Then why aren't they called red crab?

Because they're actually blue crab when they're out in their habitat.

Well, how does that help me if I don't, I mean, I'm not ordering habitat, you know?

Yeah, a cooked product, right.

Yeah, you know what, sir?

I think we cannot assist you any further because it sounds like.

Well, no, wait a minute now.

Now, I bought these blue crabs, a quote is supposedly blue crab, and I need help getting them to work.

I don't understand why you can't help me on this.

I'm just going to bring them back if you're going to be like that.

And I want my money back.

No problem.

Go ahead.

They're broken.

They're fucking broken.

Mother fucking shit.

I can't assist you because you're going to act this way.

I'm sorry.

I'll calm down.

Thank you.

Please.

Oh, man.

There's no button on the crab.

There's a button.

Thank you for calling the Boiling Crab in San Jose.

If you want to call in tonight, you can.

The number is 405-396-6884.

Hello.

Hi, may I assist you?

I'm calling Amber back.

This is Amber.

How may I help you?

Yeah, what's going on?

Did you not know how to use the phone?

Let me go ahead and refer you to the police officer.

No, I don't need to talk to a police officer about crab, you dingbat.

I need to get help.

Thank you.

You stupid.

Refer me to the police officer.

Shut the fuck up.

405-396-6884

like this

oh I was too late caller

I was about to hit the accept button

oh

call back

or someone else

get in front of him

jump in front of him

don't let that person on

405-396-6884

we're having tryouts tonight

for prank callers

new prank callers

call in and make yourself heard

and let your prank call dreams come true

yeah

here's the first person

on the mail

thank you for calling

how can I help you

hey carlito it's brad oh not you again hey brad how you doing buddy

good what are you calling on what kind of phone you got there today um i'm on my cell phone

does it sound like crap uh yeah i think that's my carlo setting thing i think it's all me

i think it's all me man yeah great great yay brad's here yeah hey uh brad whatever happened

happened with um what what was i didn't hear in the last week what did so is ding timber done

should i not talk about or anything should i not oh i don't care if you talk about it well i'm not

uh should i it's done right it's dead dead right not this yeah pretty much like i told people if

they want to leave ding stuff on my prank line they can but nobody ever does that yeah it's

pretty much just done god damn uh well you know it happens right it happens do you like cinnamon

Cinnabon? Do you like Cinnabon? I worked at Cinnabon for half a day, and I can't. I don't like Cinnabon. I'm not a fan.

I do not like Cinnabon. I don't like Cinnabon anything.

I don't either. You know, you should do Cinnabon. It's really good for you.

Thank you for calling Cinnabon.

Oh, you're calling.

Press 1 for location and hours of operation.

Nope.

Press 2 for hiring information.

Nope.

Press 3 to speak with a team member.

Really?

Press 4 to be connected to our...

I don't think so.

Been to a little mall in the last 30 years?

Well, I've never eaten at a Cinnabon.

Or an airport.

you never got yeah hi this is cinnabon yes i'm gonna help you all right is this a question all

right so what i do is i take the what do i do here um the the cinnamon cinnabon roll is in the bag

right and i i twist the bag and i push on the back to make sure no air comes out of it

and then i take the dough out of the bag and then i put flour down right um to make your own

cinnamon are you asking well i take flour right and then you have that we have the machine then

you have the machine and i put the flour down on the machine and then i put the cinnamon dough

like i spread the machine i spread it out first i put it flat and i spread it out right like all

the edges out like i make a big circle with it um or do i do that making your own dough i believe

so but we already have pre-made dough what comes in a square so yeah you don't have to restate it

yeah i stole a bunch i stole a bunch of it from the mall that's why i'm asking and i stole one

of the machines too oh okay yeah yeah so um if you have like almost the same amount of hours you

could have like this little um turn thing on the side and you just put into the three yeah just put

in your your dough sheets and um just put it all the way till it hits the end when you put it in

right and then it should come out it should come out um right it out and like just once just once

right just one all right and then and then i put it into the three yeah okay and then i put flour

down on the counter and i'm going to put the flattened dough on there right and then yeah so

the only time you put flour is is when you put it into the machine okay you don't need any flour

just so it can go um through the machine and not get stuck okay all right so then then i'm going

gonna put the dough down and i'm gonna put a big thing of butter on in the middle right yes

half of it for half of the square yeah for classics and if it's a mini it's half of the

half of the square so it'll be like one fourth okay so i'm gonna use half of a square of butter

on a big thing and i mash it in there right okay yes just um smear it with like um if you have

like the spatula yeah i stole i i stole a whole i went inside the the the mall was closed and i

went inside and i took a whole box of the dough in the bags and

i took the machine i backed

I packed my truck up, and then I took one of the machines, and I took a box of the, oh, gosh, the butter stuff.

It's not butter.

This is like margarine or shortening or something.

Yeah, it's margarine.

Yeah, so if it's a big one, half of that one for the classics and half of the half for the meanies.

All right, and what about what else?

What do I do after the butter part?

It's going to be one cup of cinnamon with cinnamon and sugar mixed together.

It's like a mixture.

yeah it's it's like it's like in this big shaker right yeah yeah i took that round right yeah i

stole that too yep i figured i need that okay all right and then so yeah so it's a cup okay for the

classics and for the small ones it's a seven seven ounces okay all right and then how do i

how do i roll them up um i'm not sure is the temperature that we have because we already

have a button but for the classics it's supposed to be in there for 17 minutes and for the

The meanie is 14 minutes.

Okay.

I'm pretty sure it's like around 400.

What I might do is I'm going to go back before anyone, you know, before tomorrow morning,

and I think I'm going to take out one of the ovens also.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

So you can, maybe yours or the one that you're going to go through shows you how much time.

But 17 minutes for the classic.

Okay.

All right.

Well, hey, thanks for all your help and your suggestions.

I appreciate it.

All right.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Ma'am.

Hello, ma'am.

Yes, yeah.

This is Kevin from the corporate office with Cinnabon.

I've been monitoring this call.

Okay.

And we noticed that you're helping this man steal equipment from our stores.

Wait, I didn't help him.

You're aiding and abetting him.

You're telling him how they work.

What's your problem?

What are you trying to do to our business?

Well, I'm not sure.

This is like my first week here, and I thought he was just calling.

You're what?

I thought he was just calling here.

No, no.

No, he said he stole our equipment.

Yeah, I stole it.

And you're just, yeah, see, he says he stole it.

You're a thief, sir.

I don't know who you are, but you're a thief.

We monitor all of the phone calls with all our Cinnabons, and I've been listening.

Oh, man.

Okay, yeah.

So we're back tracing his number, and we're going to have him arrested,

and you're probably going to have to appear in court.

Well, I had nothing to do with it.

You're going to be, you know, an accessory to murder.

Murder and theft.

accessory to murder and theft hey i sold this big thing that says mo mochilata mochilata or

something you don't know that are you talking well i'm asking her do you know the mochilata

we know what this is wait um so i want to talk to the guy from corporate oh okay all right this is

this is steven i'm from corporate yeah you better not answer him don't answer any more of his

questions stop helping him he's a thief the thief and a liar so okay now i don't know what to do

because I wasn't even sure.

So do I have to tell this to my manager?

No, no, you take off your apron and you go home.

Okay.

Are you wearing an apron?

Yeah.

Take it off right now.

I'm watching on the security camera.

Take it off.

Okay, bye.

No, wait, hold on.

Take it off.

Take off the apron.

Okay.

I'm watching.

Are you taking it off?

Yes, I'm taking it off.

Is it off?

Okay, now I need you to turn your pockets inside out.

I'm going to make sure you haven't been stealing.

Tell her to take off her polo shirt.

No, that's next.

For compliance.

Shut up, you thief.

For compliance.

Okay.

Ma'am?

Did you turn out your pockets?

What about your pockets?

Turn out your pockets.

Let's make sure you haven't stolen anything.

I don't even have pockets in the front.

All right.

Take off your shirt.

Your shirt's next.

Take off the shirt.

My shirt?

There's literally customers in front.

I'm not going to take off my shirt.

Like, if you need to talk to my manager...

We don't care.

We don't...

Look, you're a thief, and you don't deserve any indignity here.

Take off that shirt.

I mean, I'm not going to take off my shirt.

Like, I'm really not going to take off my shirt in front of people.

I command you to take off your shirt.

And I can call you guys back

I'm not going to take off my shirt

Like that's really not going to happen

Okay well anyway you need to just go home

Go home

Okay bye

Well she's

Immediately she's smarter than

The chick at the Wendy's from like 8 years ago

Or whatever that was

What happened at the Wendy's

You know the Wendy's that's what I said for compliance

They actually made it I haven't seen that movie yet

But you know remember there was a girl

At Wendy's that they called

and told her you've been stealing

and they had her get

strip-searched.

Yeah. I thought it was like Burger King

or McDonald's or something. No, no, no.

No, no, man. No compliance there.

Hey, by the way,

I was going to say, a lot of people

I've been catching in the last

five to six days have been saying

cactuses and I've been correcting them

and saying cacti and someone gave me the stink

eye at the marijuana dispensary

on Sunday because I said that.

and i don't care i'm not gonna stand by that it's fucking where are these and why are they using the

cactus for to the dispensaries uh i don't know she she had a purse with cactus on it cacti on it and

the uh the receptionist like oh i love cactuses and i said cacti and she goes excuse me like

cacti it's cacti and she goes oh okay and then she's kind of like like looked at me and then

they were both looking at each other whispering and looking at me while they did it like i was

like fuck you then lady like i'm not coming to this place again you won't have my hundreds of

dollars business anymore that's what i said you think they'd be more chill about everything because

they smoke weed all the time yeah i don't know maybe they're like he's probably high right he's

breaking the rules he's not supposed to be here like that um you got time for another there's a

place called vegas for hotties vegas for hotties i don't know what that is i don't know here's a

car wash baby blue car wash let's get our baby uh in the car wash let's put him in the trunk of

of the car or the back of the truck all right yeah i can't there we go did you get to do any

cardings this year uh all your shows i had like a couple on one show they answered but they didn't

uh it didn't go very far one was kind of funny but the guy was it was like a lady at first and

she just hung up and then the guy was a little standoffish but yeah yeah none of us got very

this year yeah um but fucking september anyway i don't know i think i think dwight had some good

ones the one i heard by him it was a listener fucking with him ah yeah that happens a lot too

yeah our normal business hours are 7 30 a.m it's supposed to be 24 7 here and 9 a.m to 1 p.m on

saturday 3 through tech wildlife services may i have the reason for your call tonight the reason

The reason for my call is a pest.

Are you an answering service?

I am.

Yes.

They've already closed for the day.

Well, that's bullshit because this is 24-hour wildlife removal.

There you go.

Man, they don't play at those, whatchamacalls, at answering services.

They don't take any shit usually from it.

They usually are really, really quick at hanging up.

Oh, they hung up already?

Yeah, they did already.

You want to be a dump truck operator in Guam?

Do you got an idea for that?

No, I don't.

but yeah why not well you know you want to play why guam uh i'm always messing with guam because

they're slow okay and they speak english hello hi i'm a dump truck truck operator hello i'm a dump

truck operator in guam yes sir i do i do dump trucks for you you know ma'am you did dump trucks

for us yes i work there i'm not going to be able to come into work this week i'm not coming in oh

Oh, so you're working with Base Corporation.

Yeah.

Stupid.

What's your name?

Look in the computer.

You'll see it.

But look, I'm not going to be able to come into work.

Yeah, so what's your name?

I'm calling off work for the whole week.

I got shit to do.

Yeah, so what's your name?

It's Roy.

Roy what?

Just look in the computer for Roy.

I'm the only one in there.

I'm the only one named Roy.

Well, I don't have any Roy here.

Oh, you don't know how to spell it then.

What's that?

You don't know how to spell Roy then.

Then spell it out for me.

Carlita, I don't think this is going well.

Hey, yeah, listen, this is a dump truck operator that we have on the phone here.

Do you understand?

Don't call me a dump truck.

I understand.

So what do you want me to do?

Well, he can't work tomorrow.

Yeah, of course, it's Saturday.

We don't have work Saturday and Sunday.

Okay.

All week, dummy.

I'm just saying starting tomorrow.

Well, how can I look up on my computer?

I don't have the full name of the employee that you're telling me.

First of all, you can drop the attitude.

I'm not.

I don't have any attitude, because I don't even know you.

You just said that with a major attitude.

Okay, then.

Give me your name.

I already told you my name.

Didn't you type it in the first time?

What's the last name?

R-O-Y.

Stop yelling at me.

I'm not.

What's your last name?

You just yelled at me.

You just yelled I'm not.

Do you want me to spell it for you?

Quit yelling at me.

I have.

Do you want me to just tell you?

Yes.

All right.

Q?

Yeah, kindly spell it out for me.

Q?

W?

Q?

What's that?

You should yell it at her.

All right.

We're going to start from the beginning.

Q, W, E, Q, W, E, R, T, Y, U, I, O, P, left bracket, right bracket, forward slash.

So you're not on our system?

No, this is Roy Quartier, bracket, bracket, forward slash.

I understand, but you're not on our system.

Are you trying to make her MySQL database crash?

Yeah.

Do you have a little Dewey Drop table?

We're only anticipating our employees.

What kind of computer do you have?

Thank you so much.

What kind of computer do you have?

Okay, bye.

Excuse me, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am.

Okay, she's gone now.

Fucking lady.

She's just so confused, but she didn't want to get the point.

I just hate it when they do that shit.

I hate Guam.

They're really slow.

It is like pulling teeth with them sometimes.

I have better luck in the Army base when I prank there.

I probably shouldn't that much.

Why not?

Yeah, why not?

You prank NORAD all the time.

All right.

You stay on for this.

I'm going to try this biology tutor wanted job.

Okay.

Come inside.

All right.

I'll let him in in a second.

Thank you for notifying me.

Bye.

Echo, stop.

You have reached a voice mailbox.

To leave a voice message, press 1.

All right, I've got to let the dog in, Brad.

I'm going to clear the line.

Thanks for calling, buddy.

This is always fun.

Fine, clear the line.

All right, I'm going to clear you.

If I can.

Clear you on your ass.

Bye, see you, buddy.

Can you stop yelling at me, though, please?

When's your next show?

Quit yelling at me.

When's your next show?

I don't know.

Sometime.

All right, everyone, look out for Brad over at bradcarter.com.

You should have that if you don't have it.

Love you.

Yeah, buddy, boom.

Yeah.

Let me get the dog.

One second, please.

So you can come in there and whine so you can get out again, like Davi always does.

Behave yourself.

All right, Homer's here.

I don't know if he'll make it on camera at all, but he's here.

Hey, buddy.

Really behave yourself.

Don't piss me off.

All right?

Get on the chair.

That line is now open, 405-396-6884.

Once again, that's 405-396-6884, or you can join the show.

Call in, like this person right here, this stupid person.

Yay.

What happened to my mouse?

Homer, did you eat the mouse?

Thank you for calling.

How can I help you?

Hey, how's it going, Carlito?

Oh, good.

That's me.

I'm good.

Who's this?

This is Natty Nan.

I hang out with Dyler.

Oh, hey.

Oh, Dyler has friends?

Nice.

That's cool.

Wow.

Hey, are you guys doing a show, or is Dyler doing a show, rather?

Is he back to doing shows?

Yeah, we used to hang out back in the day with the GCR stuff, and now I've got a mixer,

I've got a boom mic and a setup, and I'm hoping to do my own show, and Dyler's been

joining me lately.

Okay, good, good, good.

I'm trying to remember, are you the blind dude who used to hang out with him and do shows, or are you someone else?

No, no, I'm not blind, no.

Okay, all right, that's good.

God bless your eyes.

Homer, stop it!

Damn it, Homer.

Fucking guy.

Eating cables, I'll kill you.

How are you?

I'm sorry, good, yeah, you know, just here living the dream, living the prank hall dream, you know, doing my show and things.

Back to doing things regular.

I'm glad Dialer's kind of, he's been talking to me off and on, and it seems like he's getting more excited again, which is a good thing.

Yeah, he's been picking up momentum, you know.

We're both here, we're both fully committed to putting out some stuff.

Last night I did a show.

Good. Do you have a Mixler channel or something you want to give out so people know?

Nothing so far, just going with the show title Natty Dan Shit Show.

Okay.

I'm going to release my first episode, Coffee Enema.

That happened last week.

A coffee enema show, nice.

Okay, well, everyone look out for that.

I'm going to have to, I'm going to see if this biology tutor, whoops.

All right, man, take care.

What, you're leaving?

No, you don't have to go.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, you're good.

I'm trying to get a call here.

Oh, nice.

This is a dream come true.

Ah, that's not that big of a deal.

You have reached a voice mailbox.

To leave a voice message, press 1.

To cancel an echo.

All right, so that number definitely will not cooperate.

Here's a welding job.

job you ever have any experience with welding welding boxes and such welding hell yeah yeah

i took yeah the welding oh wow doing better than me because i can't weld for sure i don't never

done i'd be scared to i was too that's why i took the class yeah hey there oh go on i gotta i'm

gonna put my cousin on the line he doesn't know how to use a phone but he's a great welder i'm

gonna put him on all right go ahead buddy hey there you got a welding job position for sale

yeah sure oh how much experience you looking for on there yeah i'm here how much we

What are we doing here? Oxyacetylene, MIG, TIG, STIC, what you got there?

Yeah, we do it all.

So, are you on Guam right now?

Yeah, I'm in Guam. I'm in the area.

You know, four years experience, certified, OSHA certified.

I'm a very safe guy.

Do you guys drug test?

Yes, I do.

All right, that shouldn't be a problem.

Do you guys do any kind of welding tests, any kind of thing?

We do. We do. Do we do welding tests?

We do 2G tests, 3G tests, 4G, 5G, 6G.

All right, all right. That should be no problem.

You guys know x-ray stuff, right?

If we need an x-ray, we send it off.

I would have an x-ray, and we get the result.

Okay, okay, okay.

That's cool.

Yeah, well, give me a couple days to sober up, get clean, and I'll come on down there.

You know, my buddy here, he set me up with a job.

You know, I'll get some fake pee in there.

I'll be down there.

I'll pass that test, no problem.

All right.

Give me a ask, because I've got to hook him up.

Is it a urine test or a hair follicle?

Just a urine test.

Oh, no problem at all.

No problem.

Do they watch while he urinates?

I'm not sure.

Does he go wherever he needs to go, wherever he wants,

or do you have a special lab, specific lab?

Yeah, what we'd like to do first is sit down with you

before we start doing drug tests and all that stuff.

No, there's, I mean, until we handle the drug test,

getting around the drug test test, he's not going to pass.

He's got filthy pee.

I mean, he's, his pee, I mean, if you...

I mean, he's probably a guy that we probably don't want in our organization.

Well, no, he's a great welder.

I mean, he's great.

He used to weld for the governor.

It doesn't matter.

Like, you know, if you can't qualify for our guidelines and we have a policy in place

and we do very sensitive work, so it's probably something we don't want to entertain.

Well, I mean, it's nothing to entertain.

It's just he's a good welder.

You need good welders, okay?

I do good work.

Come on.

I don't do it on the job.

I mean, this is good stateside worker American,

not like, you know, these monkey people that live here on this island.

This is the real deal here, you know?

Why don't you send him over, or maybe you can come and accompany him.

And what do you mean by x-ray?

What are you going to x-ray?

What's that about?

You're the one who mentioned x-ray, right?

No, I know my cousin did.

I don't know.

You've got to x-ray the welds, you old bro.

You've got to x-ray the welds.

I actually have some work to do.

I know you guys are having fun wasting your time right now, but I got work to do.

You're wasting my time, motherfucker, you.

A lot of fucking shit I got to do.

How about you weld a box for yourself, a steel box, to go and masturbate in the masturbation box?

All right.

Yeah, that's a Jerky Boys reference.

So what, they have to x-ray?

Like, you have to x-ray welding stuff for tests?

I didn't know that.

That's crazy.

Yeah, the crazy certification in there.

They don't mess around.

out so what do you check it like for like imperfections in the weld and stuff like

little leaks and shit micro fractures any chasms uh you know just not good bonded areas um anything

in the aerospace or underwater is uh scrutinized incredibly well i could i understand that okay

and he's saying g4 g5 g or five i didn't know what that was at all no for her i don't know

he was talking about cell phone towers and shit i guess you got to go up there and weld cell phone

own tower so um yeah i mean i'd be real intimidated by that just the heat i'd be afraid i'd you know

touch my face with the the thing and then the fact that it can make you blind if you don't put

the thing down you know oh yeah well dude it's not good when you get flashed without your mask

it's like sand in your eyes for over a day it's fucking miserable and then if you do tig welding

you got to uh grind your is it not germanium or it's like an iridium tip and then uh once that

That stuff gets particulate in the air.

It's actually radioactive.

It's cancerous.

You're fucking kidding me.

So you got to have a breather or something?

Only when you're sharpening the tips.

But if the tip of the tick never touches what you're welding, it gets contaminated and you need to go regrind it and resharpen and point it.

It's just crazy.

I was like, this is cool as a hobby, you know, this and that, but not as a career.

I don't know, man.

I'll stick to like soldering shit.

That's about as far as I'll go.

I ain't going to.

Yeah, I'll stick to that.

yeah cool but thanks man hey no worries man it's good hey man i'm glad i was on keep him motivated

you know because he he said you know he really he does a good job and i really enjoyed his shows

is he going to be driving around and doing stuff do you know because i always love that

shit the fact that he would drive around yeah he's gonna agree i'm gonna try and make it work

however possible but yeah he was talking about doing stuff out of his car i think that's hilarious

Hilarious, but he does a great job of it.

I can't believe he manages all that.

Yeah, it's crazy.

Yeah, I would just die in a car accident trying to do that crazy shit that he does.

Yeah, I'm sure of that.

All right, man, I'm going to clear the line, but thanks for calling.

Give Dialer my best.

Tell him to call in sometime soon.

All right, take care.

I love you, honey baby.

See you, bunny, honey bunny.

Bye.

All right.

That's Dialer's friend, Nicky the Knicks, wherever I was.

and look for his podcast where dialer will be i'm dying i'm dying concrete contractor for an

apartment complex anyway the number is 405-396-6884 uh someone's calling in but let me try to call the

dead here because the dead was calling it duh dead let's see if this works trying to connect

with the dead trying to connect with the dead on the facebook i think this works like this

No answer.

The Dead.

Call back again, The Dead.

The Dead.

Call them back.

Call back.

Or call 405-3966-884.

I'm presuming you are listening, but people are asking about you.

And it was a damn shame you couldn't make it, man, to the meetup.

I know.

I don't think you really had family drama.

I don't think you just couldn't make it.

All you had to do was tell me that, you know.

Thank you for calling the mouth line.

How can I help you?

How are you doing?

It's not The Dead.

Oh, damn.

Okay, that's all right, though.

I like you.

Not the debt.

Because you're calling in, as long as you're a friend.

Are you a friend?

Yeah, it's Dragon Man.

I've called in before.

Oh, Dragon Man.

How are you doing?

I don't know names or voices.

That's okay.

You don't have to.

No, no, no.

Hey, thanks for helping.

You did donate for me to be able to make it to Chicago, and I want to thank you for that.

I'll give you a couple bucks.

No, I'll throw a few.

Hey, it helped.

All right?

It helped.

How's your week going?

Are you having fun?

Oh, no, man.

Pretty good week, you know.

know concrete concrete i know you're a big fan of concrete here i do want to apologize to uh mr

puller aka obituary man he left an obituary like three weeks ago i didn't play it i can't find it

now it was for burt reynolds it was really well made and done please don't stop making obituaries

um fucking god dragon mirror i don't know if you've heard about me talking about stand-up but

i started writing a set i got about i got i'm very early into it but i'm working on perfecting

a set i've been reading a book about comedy writing also uh that i read a few years ago

so it looks like i'm gonna be moving this show to wednesday nights and then i'll be doing stand

up on thursday nights hey honey how are you oh good i see you're looking for a concrete contractor

for an apartment complex okay is this excuse me is this for sculpting or for concrete work

boring concrete they're calling you you're returning a call yeah and i'm i'm ready to

accept the job i'm in the middle let me find because i'm in i'm working on a sculpture right

now concrete sculpture i'm making a sculpture of animal genitals and i'm taking a break okay

Do you know who called you?

No.

They said to call back this number.

It was a very unprofessional person.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Who's speaking?

Well, my name is Akulo.

A-C-U-L-O.

Okay.

And...

Oh, I'm dying.

Smoking marijuana.

Do you drug test?

No, but let me place you on hold.

Okay.

All right.

I'm going to eat a concrete sandwich while you do that.

I'll be right here.

Okay.

All right, honey.

this song is definitely copyrighted they're gonna have to do this while we fucking number

fucking waiting for the bitch all right fuck that dragon mirror report yes sir what is your

favorite fish or seafood to eat um i'll make fish okay anyway everyone knows it's a fish filet

fish filet what is it is it a fish filet hello yeah hi is this fish market representative job

Hello?

Yeah, I'm, you see, you're looking for a fish market representative calling you?

Fish market representative?

Yeah, I'm responding about a job for fish market representative.

Oh, uh, we don't have any openings.

What do you mean?

They've been closed already.

All right, hi, yes.

Thank you.

Ma'am, ma'am, everybody, hello, ma'am, sir, guy.

Hello, ma'am.

Hello.

Sir, sir, ma'am, confusion.

Okay, all right, that lady came back,

and time for me to get hung up on excellent and uh yeah yeah this show's growing great places

tonight sorry

dragon man really messing you up tonight i got you on and nothing's

working out that's not you're very non-committal tonight dragon there that's okay hello

thank you oh this voicemail box is full and cannot receive messages goodbye that's full of

shit you know what you know what pisses me oh man i hung up on dragon mirror i didn't mean to do

that i swear to god dragon mirror call back i won't give the number out just in case yeah siamese

fighting fish oh i saw siamese fighting fish on some lady's desk today and you know it's it's

thought about like what kind of sad life does this fish machine have it sits in a bowl and it

does they don't move or nothing the best they get is that you know you get a mirror and you turn it

around and point it at it and it'll start having you know going all crazy like you know um but then

i then i researched the fucking fighting fish and apparently they don't really they don't care

they like living like that they're living really dirty they live like in sewers and shit

and they don't move much as it is they're very territorial um so yeah they live in like brackish

water sewers and shit like that and that's how they like to live you don't even have to have

clean water for them you can just you know take a shit in there and all that they won't care

yeah now goldfish they need clean water yeah um boo boo boo boo boo let's see who else oh let's

see you know what i got a number that i'm supposed to call for palindrome machine before 8 30 it's

something about a lobster thing but it's like a lot to read uh a palindrome give me can you give

me a a what are they called a notes uh a cliff notes version of what's going on at this place

is there a drama happening he sent me the trip advisor what's going on with them come on

palindrome let's go let's go and also yes i'm going to give out uh palindrome's uh the owner

and chief moderator of the hijinks discord that's hijinks.fun slash chat i bet you thought i

wouldn't know how to say it that i didn't remember still hijinks.fun forward slash uh chat dash

forward slash madhouse and uh use offer code madhouse420 for 10% off your membership to the

a hijinks paid discord channel uh he says hotbox lobsters weed dosing lobsters okay thank you for

completely not making sense you got it oh you got it man no i think he's just saying that i should

be hotboxing or is that what happened okay all right i will call yeah i don't see a number here's

a number i got it all right here we go guys get hype get excited for lobsters legendary lobsters

here on the mouth.

I think I put two ones in the number.

Yes, I did.

Fucking stupid.

Wow, wow, wow, wow.

This is Randy.

How may I help you?

Hey, Big Randy.

How you doing?

What's going on, boss?

Good, man.

I wanted to see about them lobsters.

What's going on, brother?

What do you want to know?

Hot box lobster.

Yeah, yeah.

What about it?

Just the whole thing?

Yeah.

I mean, if you want some more information on it, man,

my boss, you can definitely contact through email.

I can take your number down.

I can give her your name.

But what do you do? What do you do exactly? How?

She sedates the lobsters to make them more humane.

She sedates them before? Okay, before they get boiled?

Hi, this is Charlotte. How can I help you?

All right, can you explain to me again, you hotbox the lobsters before you sedate them, is it?

Well, first of all, I'm sorry, I don't know who this is.

You've just called my restaurant, but we are not doing that to the lobsters that we have.

What we did is a series of experiments where we, after finding that lobsters have cannabinoid

receptors, so they would be susceptible to the effects of cannabis, the idea was to do

something that would make it more humane for the lobster, yet would not have any effect

at all in the meat.

It would not have any, there would be no cannabis, nothing like that, because that cooks out

with the temperature that we cook the lobsters at.

Right.

But what it does is it allows the lobster to be able to go from the lobster tank

to being cooked, you know, in that incredibly hot water without trauma

or at least to minimize the trauma as much as possible.

They're not producing the stress hormones.

So even when you eat meat afterwards, the meat has a different flavor,

not different like, oh, it has cannabis in it, but different like it wasn't stressed,

like the animal didn't, you know, undergo trauma.

trauma and it's just a far more humane passage so what our plan is is sorry go ahead what our

plan is is uh i keep thinking you're stopping me i'm sorry no no i'm sorry my dog is looking my

penis i thought you were talking to me i'm like no really we're um what we are going to do is uh

it looks like it's going to be closer to the end of the month of this month but we're going to have

have it available. But before we do that, we've done a lot of testing on our own. You know,

we've done a massive amount on our end. But what we want to do is just to assure everybody and the

state and anybody who's interested in purchasing it. And we don't charge for it. It's not like

we're charging extra because it was done that way. It's just we feel that strongly that it's

that much more humane for the lobster. So it's just something we do. And I grow it so it doesn't

and cost anything but we're going to have it uh it'll be tested by um it'll certainly be tested

by a state lab um for cannabis to make sure that there's absolutely no residual left in it and so

that should put a lot of fears to rest but i have no fears about that ah i didn't know see i didn't

i didn't know who i was talking to or i just took the phone from my cook because i happen to be

standing right here are you about done yeah okay so um just to share my perspective on this however

ever just to let you know honey well first of all tell me who you are so your perspective is

is something that i can you know really think about because i have no idea who you are my name

is flash okay flash okay and basically so i have a i have a basset hound and i was doing research

because i have to do a procedure on my basset hound i have to basically we have to um oh it's

It's not exactly like an intubation, but in order for him to pass his bowels,

we have to perform a procedure on him because he's a little paralyzed back there.

Got it.

From a failed anal gland.

Yeah, I was at vet tech for like 15 years, so I know exactly what you mean.

Yeah.

They can explode, and they kind of like become so impacted that they can tear.

Well, no, we took him to PetSmart, to the dog groomer at PetSmart,

and the the woman was like she was crazy and she thought oh my god that's awful because what they

do is they do it too hard it ruptures the anal gland she she punched the dog she said i'm going

to express the anal gland and she punched the dog in the anal gland oh my god yeah yeah wow

yeah so you know yeah 1.2 million dollar lawsuit later here we are but that's beside the point

I did research because dogs have a lot of cannabinoid receptors also, more so than humans do per capita, for lack of a better term.

So I thought it would be a good idea to let my dog ingest marijuana, a very small amount.

I was going to ask about that.

But it doesn't affect the animals like you think.

It doesn't affect dogs like it affects humans.

It doesn't calm them.

It makes them super crazy, and they panic.

Well, perhaps you should try the CBD.

Yeah, maybe you should do the CBD, because we've tested our lobsters for a series of weeks.

Right.

And we took lobsters that had been exposed to the cannabis just to see if there were adverse reactions,

did they look like they were paranoid, were they trying to hide in corners, what happened with them.

Right.

And there was no adverse effect.

And perhaps it was the amount that we used, but no adverse effect.

They didn't have bands on the entire time at all,

and just, you know, actually we're kind of outgoing in the lobster tank.

But maybe just the CBD.

And the thing is, these lobsters are going to end up going into the pot.

But for something that's not, what about just trying a CBD

so you don't have anything with psychoactive properties or anything like that?

That might be really, really helpful for the dog.

I also saw research on Jamaican lobsters also,

where they may, because of that area,

and also black lobsters also might be a little bit more receptive to this.

Huh.

Like Africanized lobsters?

Interesting, interesting.

Yeah, the UK, the United Kingdom had done a lot of research on it as well as New Zealand.

Yeah.

Like, oh, probably five or six years ago, and we have the links on our page about it.

Well, just to let you know, though, what I ended up working for my dog is I masturbate him now before we do the procedure,

and he seems to be a lot calmer.

Wow, that is really, really very giving of you to do that for your dog.

Yeah.

You know, that is absolutely awesome.

So I tried to masturbate a lobster.

How did that go for you, Flash?

He clamped down really hard on my penis.

Yeah, well, that probably wasn't the thing to do.

And I kicked the shit out of him.

I punched him, and I kicked the shit out of him.

And I took an entire tank of lobsters, and I picked it up.

There was like 30 lobsters in there, water and everything.

And I threw it down the stairs, the concrete stairs, and it broke everywhere.

And then all the lobsters, not all the lobsters got hurt.

They were scurrying around.

And I just started kicking them.

and then I sicked my basset out on them, and he just went to town.

He destroyed them.

He destroyed them, yeah.

And this is happening now.

Is the lobster still clamped to your penis at this point?

No, I killed that motherfucker.

He was the first one to die.

Oh, right, right.

Yeah, and you were able to, like, detach him without, like, I don't know,

tearing anything off your anatomy or anything like that.

Yeah, and then I gave this random woman a massage.

Huh, huh.

Well, that must have been something to see their flag.

I was like, I'm lobster clamps.

I said, I'm lobster clamps.

I took a break, and I broke it on the back of her head, against the back of her head.

Yeah, that sounds pretty violent there, Flash.

Hey, but Flash, this has been a great chat, but we've got some actually serious things

where we're at in here, so I'm going to let you go.

Okay, Princess Snowflake.

Okay, Princess Snowflake, honey, labia.

All right, Flash.

Labia.

Thank you.

Bye, honey, labia.

Shut the fuck up.

God damn it.

I bet you she has fucking armpit hair.

god damn shut up lady let's try to call the dead bag that lady fucking pissed me off she

shut up ed you know if you're gonna call why don't you pick up now man stupid well 405-396-6884

if you want to call this stupid fucking show in the middle of the night get back to some more

pranks palindrome there you go i also had numbers from another gentleman i believe it was in facebook

machine tube sucks his retard they won't answer he's not retard some of his decisions maybe but

not him he's a he's a smart one he has a he has a bachelor's in engineering from a very highly

accredited engineering school mit uh oh look a guy has a boat for sale i love boats anyway i hope

you're all enjoying the show i know i say that like 50 times the fucking show but thank you for

being here thank you everyone who supports on patreon i'm glad i'm finally being able to get

the uh extra prank uh podcast out there for you guys i'm excited about getting into the stand-up

comedy i went there last week that's where i was yes hi you got a boat for sale oh yeah we sure do

oh nice how big a boat is it it's 32 foot yeah how um how many horses i have um it's got two

twin 502 how many horse i'm not sure i'll have to see how many horse i know it can go you know

close to 100 miles an hour so i'll see exactly how many horse okay does it have a shower no

no does it have a toilet uh yes all right so does it does shit does it go into the water when you

shit in the toilet or is it stay in the tank i yeah i'm not sure i'll have to ask him when he

gets home i don't know all those details yeah because the man knows better than the woman you

know yeah absolutely yeah because you shouldn't be you shouldn't even be near the boat or anything

like that because you could probably sink it on the land knowing you uh probably could yeah anyway

Anyway, so can I, can I, I want to sit in the boat, you know, I want to sit on it and

go, you know.

Okay.

So where are you at?

Well, I, I'm in the Walmarts.

You're in the Walmart?

Walmarts.

Yeah.

Did, um.

Okay.

What time does husband come home?

Um, he will probably come about an hour or so.

Oh, good.

That gives me an hour to come over and seduce you.

Get it in.

Possibly.

Yeah.

Yeah, we can, we can, we can, you know, we can get on the boat, right?

We're just going to have to decide.

You're going to have to, uh, we're going to have to determine all that, you know, depending

on how much money you're bringing.

All right.

And I can urinate on you.

Um, I don't know about all that, but I have to charge you extra.

I have to charge you extra for that, for sure.

How much motherfucker are you?

I don't know.

Well, we'll have to ask him.

All right.

How many bricks are there?

How many bricks do you have?

I don't have any bricks.

No bricks.

I'm going to bring a wheelbarrow full of bricks with me.

Okay.

okay sounds good i'm gonna throw them okay i like to take two bricks one brick in each hand

and clap them together roll out bang bang bang bang while i'm fucking well i'm fucking you know

i do that i just you know every time everybody has their own thing i can't listen i can't i'm

not judging you so see you it started out i used to like i used to shoot my gun in the air

when i was fucking because i get really into it damn i'm telling this lady i just gotta fuck her

that's kind of fucked up sorry guys mama where are you dog doggy where's that boy he's being

quiet about this dog when he gets quiet he might be masturbating a second he's good he's laying

down in the one spot that he lays down and it doesn't make it on camera let's take a look over

at youtube see if anyone has uh super chatted or something make sure i'm paying attention to all

that you can do that if you like over youtube.com and the madhouse radio channel if you'd like to

support me you can uh support me there with a super chat or or you can also try going to

madhouse live.com slash donate that works sometimes just be just do patreon it's all good let me see

if i can figure out the right page to use for do do do that hey all right no donations no problem

don't worry about it maybe i've already been demonetized my god anyway continuing on with the

the show back to my list o numbers let me try to find i think it was someone on facebook it was

this uh this one uh white guy with uh little hair on his head he sends me numbers and i always

forget yes big brendan here we go brendan i'm with you buddy i hope your numbers haven't closed

yet my bad if they have let's do it here's a greek restaurant oh yeah i love greece i love

restaurants i love pigs i love beer cabanon oh and thank you for calling the purple pig

speak with a team member or for general information zero zero of course zero of course

yeah thank you for choosing the purple pig this is peter speaking how can i assist you

yes hi i'd like to make an order we don't take orders after 5 p.m malacca we do not take orders

after 5 p.m i don't need to talk to an effeminate man put a real man on the man on the phone

you fucking asshole those fucking oh oh see if i get a real person on the phone here

You're a real nice person.

Thank you for calling the Purple Pig.

This is Lissette.

How may I assist you?

Yeah, who was that effeminate man who just picked up and yelled at me and hung up the phone?

No one.

I've been up here the whole time now.

I don't think anyone answered the phone and hung up on you.

There was like a gay man that answered the phone.

It was really rude.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, I'm not sure.

I've been up here this entire time.

Can you take my order, please?

Oh, so we don't take any orders during dinner service.

It's only lunch.

Listen, I'm a friend of the owner.

My name is Gus.

We go to the same church.

Okay.

Is he there?

Tell him Gus is calling.

Hurry up and get the order.

He said to call in.

I'm sorry, you spoke with him on the phone previously?

Yeah, I was sublocking.

Your name is Gus?

What's your last name, he said?

Gus.

Nicanacos?

Nicanacos.

Okay, I'm going to place you on a brief hold, okay?

All right, hurry up, honey.

3. We're at 3 right now.

11.30 a.m. to 1 a.m.

Thank you for holding this. This is Vanessa. How may I help you?

Yeah, Vanessa, listen. I was told that my name is Gus, okay?

Jimmy said I could call and place an order. What's going on?

If you do any to-go orders, it would have to be all through a catering order.

Did you rearrange something ahead of time?

I am friends with Jimmy. We go to the same Greek church.

Does he know you wanted to place an order this evening?

He said to call in and talk, and I got...

Who's the homosexual man that answered the phone earlier?

earlier um that is one of our hosts here yeah well he was really rude he said he told me to put it

up my ass he said oh okay i'm sorry he talked to you like that but let me um shut down the meeting

let me try to track him down but typically we don't do anything get that please you know i'm

actually i'm lost but we do not have it on the menu tonight it's not a special so unless he

made something downstairs i have to track him down just to confirm are you gonna eat nine eight

okay let me track him down i'll give you a call a little bit okay you gotta call me back thank you

we have been getting like a lot of corrupted mp3s on this machine

good synthwave mix there i was playing uh they're playing shit on the jazz station right now hang

on i have another backup here this is called nitro if you're into like synthwave music and

shit like that uh i've been uh i found a channel uh called odysseus on youtube that has some really

good fucking chill fucking music i like it at work because it's it's good beats keeps it moving and

And there's no lyrics to follow, so I get super productive.

Yeah.

All right.

I think this is synthwave music.

What do I do?

I'm really bad at determining music genres.

Everyone, 405-396-6884 if you want to join the show.

405-396-6884.

Of course, madhouseslive.com is my website where you can check out all the subscription options for Madhouse.

I haven't even played this one already.

I don't think I did.

Anyway, all the subscription options for Madhouse are there.

and all the consumption options also so yes as i was saying that we have an obituary here from

obituary man confirmed um hell i could even play some voicemail right now we usually do that later

in the show but let's let's be different let's see what i got i haven't even really looked the

last couple days they are loading now great radio i know it i'm just looking forward to hopefully

getting a call back from that lady or maybe the owner call back who's this call leaving that shit

all right i think this is obituary bitch this one it goes out to matt fucking hillock bill

Bill Thompson was born on July 8th, 1913, in Terre Haute, Indiana, as William H. Thompson.

He was an actor known for Peter Pan, Lady and the Tramp, Sleeping Beauty, and also one of the favorites, Alice in Wonderland.

Will she ever catch that white rabbit?

He was married to Mary Margaret McBride and died July 15th, 1971, in Los Angeles, California.

In 1971.

Shit.

Who was that in Peter Pan and Alice in Wonderland?

It wasn't the rabbit, was it?

The voice of the rabbit?

I don't know.

I have no idea who that was.

I'm sure if Matt Hillock was here, he would tell us.

Maybe he'll call in.

I'll remind him of the number.

That's 405-396-6884.

Thank you.

Thank you, Matt, for joining us.

Or not.

Right.

Last week.

Hello, boys.

Winning for a show.

Oh, that was him last week.

My bad.

so yeah like i said last week i ended up starting to scope out the uh the stand-up night the comedy

night and uh it felt good felt good it's gonna take me a while to muster up the cajoles to go

up there working on the set now um but excited i think it's gonna help this show out to be honest

with you i think it's gonna help this show out hopefully i'll be able to maybe like you know

broadcast some of my stuff audio but for you guys at some point that'd be great it's very

very nerve it's very nerve-wracking that first time i remember when i went up it was very

nerve-wracking but it was great when it was over here's another one i can't podcast

yeah uh kyle is enjoying our braille version of the podcast over at madhouse live.com

forward slash braille shout out to all our visually impaired fans thank you

what you're breaking up sir that's all i have for voicemail not very many voicemails i have

more but they're older and i don't know the poor purpose of going if they were that old

let me do a random one here

what the fuck it's like a reverse the dead

And my wife called the police on me.

Oh, the dead.

There he is, the dead.

There he is.

That was like if the dead fucked Jack Masterson.

That was the dead Jack, the dead Masterson.

I don't know.

The Masterson.

Come up with something, you guys, an amalgamation of that.

Okay.

Here is the Daylight Beach Club, which will be closing in a little bit here.

Let's call them now before we take a break.

daylight beach club yeah daylight beach club no never mind here's a caller caller go ahead

hurry hey what up big carlito hey this is big major tinnitus major tinnitus how are you sir

it's good to hear from you thank god you're i'm doing all right man thank god you're okay all

right cool cool yeah yeah i didn't catch what was going on you gearing up for a break or something

or what's like what's going on i'm calling the daylight beach club okay i'll be quiet you were

We're calling Light Night Club.

For tailor reservations, please contact one of our VXE hosts directly.

Please leave us a detailed message, and we will be sure to return your phone call.

Okay.

Well, that didn't work.

All right.

I got to fix the music real quick because I skipped it.

There we go.

Okay.

So that was a bust.

We got a Titanic expedition.

Really?

Like a real Titanic expedition?

Oh, man.

I can't be right.

I don't know if it's like one of those.

Random people down in the ocean.

They can't.

I can't be right.

it's gonna be one of those stupid traveling titanic shows thank you for calling luxor show

reservations my name is peggy how may i assist you this evening hey peggy pussy lips i was calling

regarding getting some tickets okay for what show the titanic machine okay one moment and how many

for the titanic well that's that's that's a good question uh what is this like i mean is everything

acted out like it's a 1930s still um it's not really a show it's more of an exhibit so you

You actually walk through the exhibit.

There's not a show that's being put on.

What's the best part?

Are there any chairs?

Do they have chairs?

Yeah, from the Titanic, the deck of the Titanic.

They have over 250 authentic artifacts that they recovered from the wreck site.

What's the biggest, though?

Like, what's the biggest site?

They got dishes?

To be honest with you, I'm not really sure,

but they do have extensive recreations of some of the most famous rooms from the ship they also

have the staircase i'm peggy the robot who reads off the script i

read off the script what I need to say to answer the question.

Okay, well, I haven't seen the exhibit,

so to give you more information...

Do you even know Titanic?

Would you like to give me more information?

Do you even know Titanic?

I've seen the movie.

All right, so you don't even know,

and you're supposed to be here working for this...

You're supposed to be a museum curator,

and you don't even know.

What was the name of the comic?

I'm actually...

What was the name of the company that ran the Titanic?

I work for MGM Resorts.

I don't work for Titanic.

The White Star Line.

Great.

What was the name of it?

Did you want to go ahead?

And?

Would you like to order the tickets?

Well, I have some more questions.

Okay.

And we have a 3-4-57 package as well.

So you're able to get more than just one exhibit for $57.

How many bags can I bring with me?

And can I bring a baseball bat?

Zero.

Can I bring a baseball bat with me?

It's a therapeutic medical baseball bat.

You have to accommodate.

Listen, I have a medical reason to have this.

I have to be able to hit things.

I used to be allowed to carry around fireworks and light them off,

and I got in trouble at the Tropicana for doing that,

so I was told that I could use a baseball bat if I had the desire to hit things.

Wow.

It's a service bat.

You understand?

Interesting.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Would you rather I bring in a service animal?

You would have to do what you need to do.

All right.

Well, I mean, I have a service dog.

Will you allow him to come in?

Sure.

All right.

Well, he's going to have some questions.

I'll put him on.

Go ahead.

Go ahead, boy.

Tell him.

Yes.

Yes, hello.

I am the service dog, and I have some questions.

You see this man, he needs to carry a baseball bat in order to be comfortable and happy with himself.

And I just need to know that you're going to be okay because I'm going to fiercely protect him if you're going to try and prevent him from doing what he needs to do.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that security is not going to allow that to happen.

Well, you know, like I have very sharp canine teeth and if he, you know, if your security guard with his, you know, puny human flesh is going to try and prevent any of this from going on, I'm going to have to, you know, take aggressive action and your security won't like it.

I can guarantee that.

The alternative is my angry surface dog, if that's what you really want.

I mean, I'm just saying.

Yeah, you hear him.

He's already kind of, he's really protective over me.

Yeah, absolutely.

I understand.

Want me to sniff your crotch?

I'll do it.

It's a display of dominance, you know?

Yeah.

And I want a really authentic experience,

so I want to make sure that any women that are there must be accompanied by a man.

Interesting.

What kind of scuba gear do we need for this?

Only the best kind.

because if i'm going to be down in the ocean and shit like i don't need the octopus like you know

climbing on my skin bare flesh and all that that wouldn't be good there aren't any dog you know

hey the irish aren't allowed like on the top level right they had to stay in the bottom

probably down there you know dancing and drinking beers right is that where you would be down there

is that where you'd want to be you saw them no there's too you saw them yeah too many too probably

Probably too much white male privilege going on down there, maybe.

Well, the Irish.

Well, look, I mean, you're going to want me down there anyways

because I'll play the tin whistle.

I'll make some panties drop.

Awesome.

Imagine if those Irish men got a hold of you, you know.

They'd rip your clothes all off, you know.

They'd pour beer on you and lick it off.

Interesting.

And back in the 30s.

I would assume you'd have something more entertaining to do in Las Vegas

than crank off people.

That's kind of 1985-ish.

well seeing how prank calls hit their apex in the late 90s early 2000s i think you're a little

bit off with that you wouldn't know what we're even about or talking you know you're not on our

level interesting whatsoever you have no sense of humor you don't even know about like titanic

right hey do you know what the first three letters are in titanic yeah yeah it's arf a-r-f

tit tit is what it is not sure if you caught that i don't know if you know what tits are

Are you there, dog?

Yes.

Art, art.

I'm waiting for my service, dog.

You're like, yeah, art.

Sorry, man.

That's all right.

That was good.

Here's a Dick's Last Resort place.

I've been to one of those.

Have you?

I've been to one of those, yeah, a long time ago.

I've refused.

I've never been to a Dick's Last Resort.

I've never been to a senior.

Is it senior?

Okay, there's a few.

Is it senior frogs?

Is it another one that shows up a lot, like little tourists?

I've heard of that.

I've never been there before.

though they put a little straw they put a little straw inside of your regular straw so when you

take a drink the shit the little one comes up and hits you in the back of the throat wow why would

they do that and then they gave i don't know they it was my friend's birthday and they gave him a

dessert a happy birthday singing dessert thing and then he takes a big old bite out of it and

it's like blue cheese and sour cream and shit like it looked like ice cream but like he just

Just, like, spat the shit out.

Wait, is Dick's, is it the place where you go and they insult you and throw the napkins at you and shit?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, they just, like, they fuck with you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I heard about it.

A friend of mine went to one.

He said, hey, can we get some napkins?

And they threw napkins off the top of his head.

And he was like, oh, funny.

I really needed napkins.

Thanks for that.

Sounds like a good time.

I would love that.

Good afternoon.

Thank you for calling.

Dick's Blasters are in Las Vegas.

This is Saviola.

How can I help you?

Yeah, listen, I was down there and this guy broke a bottle over someone else's head.

What's that about?

What do you mean, here?

Yeah.

No, that didn't happen.

Yeah, he broke a bottle over his head.

I can see it.

I mean, that's not funny.

I'm pretty sure it's not.

All right, now I'm going to give you a coffee enema.

A what?

A coffee enema.

What is that?

All right, you take a hose.

I take a hose?

You take a hose.

You put a coffee at the end of the hose.

Uh-huh.

You put the hose up your big fat ass, your fat white ass.

Ew.

oh god

he's never heard the word anime before yeah right what's that she rocked right into it

all right i gotta take a break i gotta pee and i gotta eat a piece of chicken you know i gotta

get some chicken in me i'm gonna thank you for all right buddy all right big guy don't be good

to hear from you man good hearing from you all right buddy all right do not call do not call do

not call because we're taking a break not we i me because i'm alone maybe some people will join

like some of the united prankers maybe some of them will join maybe i'll do another call real

quick before i go on break how about that yeah let's call it let's call a quick asian restaurant

runner too yes call it to make an order okay okay what's the order yes the first thing i would like

is an order of papadums if you have it yep we do have them i get them out your ass uh how many

How many of papadum?

Two.

Two, okay.

Okay, one order of naan.

Will that be plain or do you want stuffing?

Garlic, okay.

Garlic, get them out of your ass.

I'm sorry?

One garlic naan.

Okay.

Okay, out of your ass, okay.

Do you have butter chicken?

Yep.

One butter chicken out of your ass?

Okay.

All right.

One benchot.

I'm sorry?

One benchot.

Oh my God, who am I talking to?

Oh, come on, you know who it is.

Aldo?

yeah hey how are you oh my god i'm good how are you you wouldn't believe i was i i wanted to get

your number i was checking with uh karam and uh chef shiv if they have your number but i couldn't

get it yeah good that you called how are you i i thought who's the stupid customer i was actually

about to hack up yeah yeah i was uh i was just here uh you know i was kind of lonely and i was

thinking about you i was masturbating oh wow that's amazing yeah i have i have a big erection

still you know and i want to i want to know what vagina your vagina smells like i want you to sit

on my face and i want to lick it with i want to lick your vagina oh okay well maybe you can

urinate a little bit on it calm down calm down how do you want do you want do you have uh big

big labia that again they have big labia madhouse radio oh no no no break yet what i keep advancing

the shits tonight god damn it no no no we're having fun with that lady let's call her back

hang on we're getting into this we're getting into this now i'm down jesus she cracked up

see i don't want to call uh tandoori tandoori uh see what the tandooris do

God we trust

This song goes out to Big Dwight McClanahan

Who's recuperating from his kidney stone procedure

Congratulations

We're passing that

A little more iced tea for you

Hello

This is Sender Yevon.

Yeah, I need to make an order.

Are you Indian?

Uh, no.

All right.

I need to talk to the Indian guy.

Uh, like, do you speak Hindi or Punjab?

Hindi.

Can you tell him Bhenchod is on the line, please?

Hello?

Talk to him.

Speak Hindi?

How are you?

Hello?

Hey, Bhenchod.

Anji?

Hey, how are you?

Bhenchod.

No.

This is the cook speaking.

Yeah.

Hello?

Yeah.

Yeah, how are you?

Yes, hello.

Yeah, yeah, he said to go ahead and give you the order.

One banchord?

Yeah.

We don't have that here, bro.

Ask him, whatever it is in here.

Can you ask him real quick?

He'll know what I'm talking about.

Just ask him if he can make it.

I'll hold.

He's going to order and...

Banchord.

Yeah, dude, he just keeps giving me back the phone because he's too busy.

Oh, okay.

Okay, alright, well, he's a fucking ignorant stupid, you know that?

He's the son of an owl, and he was born in the streets.

Yeah, he was born in the streets.

Like this guy here, Busta Rhymes, was born in the streets.

Like a cockroach.

I don't know what the fuck am I talking about.

That is not true.

As far as I know, Busta Rhymes was born in a hospital machine.

Oh, fuck it.

We'll take that break, I guess.

Alright, folks.

I'll be back in about

7 to

52 minutes. I'll be back soon

with more prank calls.

Bye.

Madhouse Live on the largest prank call station in the nation.

Prank call nation.

Madhouse Radio will be back right after this.

I hope that when you die, they put your GPS in your box and a trapdoor at the bottom.

So when you die, you open a trapdoor at the bottom, you check the GPS, and you go straight down to the hell.

Madhouse Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

Ayo, you ready?

Let's do it.

Hey everybody, I'm Carlito, host of Madhouse Radio.

The most original, unique, greatest prank call show.

I'm at least the second best prank call show in production right now.

Fact.

Truth.

Church.

With me here tonight is nobody.

It's here for nobody

We're going to call in, you can, 405-396-6884, 405-396-6884, okay, shout out to Big Suge

Knight, 28 years in prison today, let's hear it for everyone who emulates Suge Knight.

I'm a gangster rapper

Yo, yo, yo

Oh, boy

That sure worked out for Suge Knight

Dumbass

Speaking of which, whatever happened to the locks, huh?

L-O-X

Seriously, guys, 405-396-6804

Call that number, lose it or use it

Use it or lose it

I need to call back that Greek restaurant

restaurant because they called there during the break.

I'm pretty sure that was that.

No, I don't think it was.

But let's call back because I should have had answers by now.

God damn it.

It's on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

No, no.

We've seen you at the restaurant.

Stop it.

Stop it with that song.

How you doing?

Thank you for calling the Purple Pig.

This is Tom and Mason.

How are you?

Yeah, I need to speak to Amber.

I'm sorry?

Amber, Amber.

There's no one by the name of Amber here.

Who's the manager I talked to earlier?

This is the effeminate man that was really rude to me.

I'm sorry?

I was talking to a manager earlier.

This is the effeminate man.

I'm a friend of Jimmy's.

He told me to call in an order.

Okay, and who is this specifically that you had talked to?

My name is Gus.

I talked to the girl.

Some girl answered there.

She was going to track down.

She was going to find Jimmy and get to the bottom of this.

And I complained about you, sir.

Actually, we haven't spoke just yet.

Well, you were rude.

There was a effeminate man there who was very rude.

And you said you spoke with Jimmy.

I'm friends with Jimmy.

Now, I just have to clarify, because I know there's Jimmy Sr. and there's Jimmy Jr. as well.

Jimmy, both of them.

We go to the church.

The church, okay.

And you had contacted them about something for tonight?

My name is Gus, and he was supposed to have an order of malacca for me.

Okay, because that's not a dish, sir.

Well, it's something for a wedding, and that's why I'm asking.

It's special.

So why don't you find out?

It's not.

That's not a dish, sir.

Do you have their number?

You can contact them directly.

No.

They told me to call this number here.

I hear her there.

I hear her over there.

Actually, we don't have any orders.

That is not an actual dish to be even had.

So I don't believe that this is accurate information.

What do you mean it's not even a dish?

It's recommended to me to get this for the wedding.

It's a traditional thing.

Okay.

We can agree to disagree.

I welcome you to reach out to them directly.

You can agree to be an asshole.

Okay.

Okay, please, please don't call back the number again.

No, fuck you.

If you can reach them.

You fucking labia.

If you can reach them personally, then I'd be happy to work with you.

Oh, I'm coming down.

You tell them Gus is coming down.

Gus Pizzos.

All right, motherfucker, you.

Okay, thank you, sir.

Have a good night.

Put him on the phone, motherfucker.

It's right here.

Gus Pizzos.

Gus Olympococcus.

Gustococcus.

Ducoccus.

Alright, enough with the Greek shit

Oh no, we got more Greek restaurants

Stay right here

Forever and ever

And we'll stop now

Cause it's bad boy for life

We ain't going nowhere

We gonna stay right here

This song goes out to Suge Knight

He really cannot

So happy to hear that news today

From Suge

28 fucking years

Uh-uh, we ain't

Uh-uh, it's bad boy for life

Hey, how are you doing?

It's Gus.

Who's Gus?

Me.

I'm calling to make an order.

Okay.

All right, well, Malaka.

I'm sorry?

Malaka.

Malaka?

Yeah.

Who is this, man?

Gus.

Who's Gus?

Me.

Gus.

Carpusa.

Yanni.

Hey.

Give me a second.

Okay.

Fucking phone is a piece of shit.

i'm sorry your phone is a piece of shit okay it is i can't sit there and listen to that he was

getting a little angry but his phone was a piece of shit fucking shit call him back thank you for

calling yeah why you hang up the phone fuck you who yes who's this sir gus gus who gus carbosa

okay sir how may i help you this evening i'll call and make an order okay what can we get you

tonight sir okay do you have souvlaki yes we do all right i'll take one now we don't have smaller

We have larger kebabs.

Okay, I'll take one of them.

Pork?

You have pork, Dan?

No, sir, we do not.

We have beef, lamb, shrimp, chicken.

Chicken, chicken.

One chicken kebab, okay?

Yeah, one malacca?

What else, sir?

One malacca.

Sir, we have one chicken kebab.

What else can I get for you today, sir?

One malacca, goddammit.

What's the problem with you?

I'm saying what it is.

I heard some cursive back there.

Malacca.

All right.

Back to that list of numbers,

and we'll get back to some more park mans a soul food restaurant in chicago and chicago we have a

caller caller go ahead please be a friend be nice or i'll cut you off oh man they got these three

towels and water man you always use the doors unlocked oh what's up waste of memory i think

this is going on what's up cole hey man we got i don't know if you heard you did hear right that

i got i got uh jad really good with the water prank because yeah that was awesome for those

For those who don't know what I'm talking about or if I've talked about this already, I apologize.

Basically, Wasted Memory figured out how to steal water and towels from the hotel.

Towels of water.

Yeah.

These bottles of water, they go for like four, five, six bucks or whatever.

Jad was already saying, don't be drinking the fucking water.

So we were drinking the expensive water all fucking night.

We're like, woo, water, yeah.

We're trying to wake up drinking water because we're stupid.

and then so i took an empty one and made jayad think that i had drank the one in the hotel room

that was under his name he went fucking really angry he's so stupid so stupid did you end up

taking towels because you offered me and i was really tempted there were nice towels but i was

already so overpacked that i just couldn't oh man i just left a bunch of towels in the room

the chair was from the by the elevators yeah that chair that was in the room we brought furniture

you're in there and doing it nice it wasn't at a very uncomfortable chair that you ended up falling

asleep on it worked yeah i was fucking stay up whatever works man i don't know who i'm calling

morrison soul food yeah i don't think you can get soul food this late in chicago i made it that you

didn't go to i just ran out in the middle of the street i was too drunk i didn't care i was too

drunk i was i said like a good almost maybe 12 minutes 12 drunk minutes

it's it's probably just three but i was like oh yeah it cycled at least twice i was like i could

do this no i can't i can't i didn't even go by the corner i just like ran across the middle of

the street i was vaping my weed pen that was great like i can i really should i even i was

so drunk i was considering getting uber eats to deliver across the street i had it out i was

But it was like $3.99.

I was like, all right, dude, I can see the fucking place.

I can't do this.

So I walked back, and I was walking in the patio area.

Then I started throwing up in the bushes really bad.

And I told you, right, that this weird Iraqi Catholic guy and his wife were talking to me how I shouldn't drink and Jesus loves me and all this stuff.

I heard you talking about you ran into some guy.

I didn't think it just sounded so crazy.

I didn't know if you were just making that up or not.

Yeah, he's like, oh, what's wrong?

What's wrong?

and like i've been drinking and i wanted to go to mcdonald's and i shouldn't go and god's telling

me not to go it's like yeah maybe you shouldn't go if you're throwing up uh do you need some water

or like and i started laughing because the whole you know i was sort of thinking about jayad's water

oh my god oh that was funny and he even hugged me and stuff at the end it's like you go back

go back to your friends i'm like okay it's like you have it sounds like you have a good group of

friends don't just go back to them they help you they take care of you don't take showers in

chicago man yeah in chicago that was so surreal man i'm glad i had that experience though uh

mine's busy yeah yeah he was talking about the hurricane the whatever that hurricane that was

happening and how jesus i cut him off like i know we're gonna say you're gonna say that jesus said

not to build your house on the sand he's like yes how do you know that like i'm catholic he goes oh

Oh, me too.

I'm like, get out of here.

He's like, yeah, how's it going?

No way, man.

I said, you must be Iraqi Catholic.

He's like, yeah, how'd you know?

Like, I know there's a lot of Iraqi Catholics.

He's like, oh, wow, you're very smart.

Oh, good times.

All right, I'm going to try that earlier Greek restaurant one more time here.

All right.

How far away are you from there?

Like, you don't live in Chicago, right?

You had to drive still to get out there quite some time?

No, I'm just south of Milwaukee in Wisconsin.

So, like, I'm pretty close to Chicago.

was minus the locking my keys in the car when i got there like immediately heard about that oh did

you exit the wrong way um did you go down a one-way street matt's mom thinks she heard you

when i was leaving the parking garage i tried taking a left hello yes good evening yes i

want to make an order yes okay one souvlaki chicken chicken souvlaki uh-huh yeah we don't

chicken kebab yeah like that you can keep up yeah yeah chicken kebab okay one greek what else do you

Do you have, like, a Greek salad with the cucumber?

Yes, with each other.

Okay, one of those?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, and then one malaka?

Who is this?

Gus.

Who is Gus?

I am Gus.

My name is Gus.

Who is this, Nico?

Nico.

Yeah, where's Nico?

Who's Nico, my friend?

Nico.

Who's Nico?

This guy, Nick.

Nico.

You know what I'm talking about?

The server?

Yeah.

You're talking to the manager right now.

Okay, well, Nico told me to call and said to order malaka.

I tell him that he is Malaka if he teaching you that.

Okay, he said you have a big penis, too, that you pull it out in front of him, and you made

him...

I cannot accept this kind of conversation.

You made him kiss his penis, he said.

You made him...

He made...

Okay, whatever.

He's completely saying it wrong.

Whoa.

All right.

Let's hear it for him.

Oh,

old greek guy funny old greek guy why is the music not playing again having music trouble

there it goes okay all right now let me see if i got to see if i got more parkman numbers

oh yeah so yeah uh matt's mom told us like she's like yeah i don't know if you went the wrong way

but i just heard a bunch of honking and screeching and screaming and i think you turned out the wrong

way i forgot it was the one way street to be around and i thought oh because there's a bunch

of cars coming like i uh changed direction pretty quick and the whole plug and i was

like first thing i did when i woke up that day was immediately crack a beer with matt

like we just started drinking immediately in the morning in the hotel room oh my god and

And I'm fucking half, like, in the bag.

I'm like, all right, I'm going to drive back.

And the first thing you do when you get out of the garage is go the wrong way down a one-way street.

Oh, where the fuck are you?

I've been good for that once.

I mean, I was, like, 19, I think.

I did that in Daytona Beach.

I went down the wrong way.

It's kind of scary when you're going down and you just see headlights coming at you.

It's like, ah, okay, made a mistake.

I did that when I had my temps, and I did it in front of the police station.

Oh, shit.

I didn't get in trouble.

Like, if you're smoking a cake, you're going to get in trouble.

I was fucking lucky.

Nice, nice.

All right, I got numbers here.

Okay, this is a toll-free number.

Let's see if they answer.

This looks like it may not answer now.

Something about a Spanish Netflix, a Spanish-language Netflix.

Okay.

Netflix Español.

It's an investment opportunity.

Okay, cool.

This call may be recorded or monitored.

This call may be recorded for quality assurance purposes.

Thank you for calling OIT.

How may I help you?

Yeah, hi.

I understand this is like a Spanish Netflix kind of.

Okay.

I'd be happy to have an investor's relations representative to answer all of your questions.

Just a few questions.

No, go ahead, honey.

Okay.

Just a few questions to ask you.

May I have your first and last name?

Yes.

First name is Jose, J-O-S-E.

Last name is Aculo, A-C-U-L-O.

Thank you.

I have Jose, J-O-S-E.

Last name, A-C-U-L-O.

Is that correct?

Correct.

What kind of Hispanic people use this service?

I'm not completely sure.

OIT goes launching a television consumer platform focusing on the Latino marketplace.

marketplace yeah but hopefully no dominicans because they're dirty they're like blacks you

know they're like the blacks of the hispanic culture they're like they're dirty i don't

feel comfortable discussing that with you be happy to get some more details to have an investor

relationship um how soon would an investor relator get back to me and will they speak english

Yes.

Okay.

May I have the best contact number, please?

Is it going to be a Hispanic person?

I don't know, sir.

I would be happy to have one contact you as soon as possible.

May I have your telephone number?

Will the person have big sexual organs?

Sir, I will need to end the call if you cannot remain professional.

Okay, just listen.

I've been drinking, all right, and I'm an investor.

How about I put my friend, my pharmacist, Dr. Cody, on the line?

Maybe he can help out because I'm just really – I don't know.

Dr. Cody, do you want to talk to her or you don't want to talk to her?

Oh, absolutely. Anything I can do to help you.

Yeah, please help out. Talk to my pharmacist.

He's not really a pharmacist, but he has a medical license,

but he just writes me scripts for anything I want.

I help him with his daily medication needs.

What seems to be the trouble here? I didn't catch the whole thing here.

This is for an investment in a video company for Puerto Ricans?

Now, when you say an investment opportunity,

opportunity is there's something to do with the pharmaceuticals that we can help him achieve his

goals with because he has to be in the right mindset otherwise like the investment just won't

go through do you understand all right i mean i do would love to help you um but as far as your

questions i would have to have an investor relationship manager give you a call what do

you do may i have the best number for you you just take the phone that's what you're saying right so

So you're basically a voicemail that talks back?

I'm the intake representative.

Intake representative.

So if you're not...

How many inputs do you have?

Yes.

If you don't...

Sir, if you don't wish to continue, I'd be happy to end the call with you.

How many inputs?

Otherwise, I would love to...

Are you two input or a three input kind of intake person?

I'm not keeping track.

May I have the best telephone number for you or would you like to call back later?

Do you do PP Kiss?

That's one input.

Obviously, you do vaginal stimulation, so that's two.

All right, sir.

I'm going to end the call.

Thank you.

Booty?

Do you do booty stuff?

Okay.

All right.

That was retarded.

Surprised I kept her on so long, though.

Whatever.

Yeah.

Sorry.

I was, like, I was getting a beer, and I'm, like, I've been hitting at my little pen thing.

I am a fucking space cadet right now.

Nice.

I should be.

I've been doing so with the smoking today, tonight, rather.

And I want to apologize, because I kind of just threw you into the bus there.

That's why I asked, did you want to do it, you know?

um here's yeah yeah here's a place called vegas for hotties i don't know exactly what that is

what's funny vegas for hotties yeah that's a brothel thank you for calling vegas for hotties

dot com if we are unable to receive your call please leave a name number and a brief message

we'll return your call if that probably too late for that number yeah or maybe something like

mira mira uh i'm gonna try this car wash one more yeah one more here with him then i'll have to

clear the line big guy i understand man i think you'll make it to san francisco oh i remember now

i tried that with brad or you think you'll make it to san francisco let's get i'm gonna try i

guess it's a little further than chicago but yeah we'll see it'd be fun it'd be a lot easier if it

was 12 months out not six to be honest i don't know we gotta try to uh dwight's saying the same

thing too i i i could try i could try all right buddy i'm gonna let you go i'm gonna clear the

the line thank you for joining all right man again all right see you towels and water man

everybody towels and water towels and water he's this guy has you towels and chairs and water

and hallway chairs and water yeah he has that chair up the water later man if he went to the

mcdonald's why should when did he get me anything shit infomercial yes for cop cam what's cop cam

let's see if they have an infomercial we can play to listen goodbye oi to go good luck with your

launch in america and latin america law enforcement depends on surveillance to prevent crime

catch criminals and save lives i'm officer scott savitt and this is cop cam a wireless security

camera smaller than one square inch so you can hide it anywhere to record anything anytime motion

is detected cop cam shoots an incredible high definition and includes a powerful microphone

to record perfect audio they just fell asleep i'm on my way and with a high i get it all right

let's call it's another one of those you know all right hey you can buy it for 1999 but if you call

now you can get two for the price of one they always sell you two for the price of one you

don't have to call now you just order it's always two for the they always try to get you to buy two

to that way don't ever buy these scn on tv things in the store i learned that the hard way because

you see them in the store you're like oh cool i don't have to worry about ordering and this and

that but then you don't get that two for deal when you do that yeah better off getting it online

month the only thing is you don't pay the shipping and handling but you pay sales tax though it's

usually for example this year it's 9.99 shipping and handling okay that's like a 50 half of the

prices that's bullshit selling it for 19.99 plus 9.99 shipping handling 28 shipping and handling

as well let's say maybe five bucks maybe half of that so they're padding it there a little bit but

they sell you two oh shit but they give you they give you they have a free all right so they give

you two of them plus two eight gig memory cards okay and a free swivel clip whoa i got so many

of those damn memory cards hanging out here anyway i just tried to dial a uh website wow

back to the list anyway problem with this music it's it's cool and all and i'm having a good time

i'm chill you know i'm drinking my vodka and juice but oh my vodka and soda but uh it's it's

a little too chill you know i mean i feel super hype but it's good to have a nice chill show

show sometimes guys 405-396-6884 thank you for calling to order cop cam available today for two

easy payments of just $19.99 each plus $9.99 added to your first all right the atomic beam i want to

get one of those recorded for quality and training that atomic beam looks dope that big super bright

for calling velvet my name is marshall are you calling for the retail purchase or did you place

Place the order over the phone or website.

I got the shit already.

I'm sorry?

I got the shit already.

I'm sorry, I didn't get you.

I got the shit already.

I already have the shit.

This is a professional call.

Use professional language.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you were...

Are you in North America or are you somewhere else?

Our warehouse is in New Jersey, California,

and customer service is in Southeast Asia.

Oh, I thought you guys wouldn't care.

I'm sorry?

I thought you guys wouldn't care about the language.

I mean, a place where a lot of people defecate in the street.

I didn't think you'd have a problem with that.

I'm sorry.

No, no, it's fine.

I understand.

But it's a professional call, so I have to follow the protocol, you know?

Yeah, you know.

Okay.

All right.

Yeah, do you know how penises work?

If your question is related to the product, I will definitely answer your question.

It's related to the atomic beam.

Yes, or else I'll have to disconnect this call.

So, yes, what's your question?

Okay, how hot does the atomic beam get?

Yeah, because I want to put it up to my penis so I can shine a light through it to make it glow.

All right.

This type of language is not going to help you, sir.

If you use such a language, I'll have to disconnect this call once.

What can I say instead?

Say pee-pee or?

I'm sorry, sir.

If you have any technical question, I can answer you.

Okay.

Does the atomic beam do gandu?

I'm sorry?

Does it do gandu?

Gandu?

I'm sorry.

I'm not getting you.

Gandu.

I'm sorry.

I'm not getting you.

What are the options for the atomic wave?

the atomic light i'm sorry you're sorry what i didn't get your question could you please

repeat your question can you make it i want to make it flash fast on off off on off on off on

off on you know use the switch there is a switch on the flashlight habibi which one what does it

say the switch which one does it say because i look there's many switch on it okay i hit the

button there is only one i wanted to go off on off on off on off on off on off you know but there

There is only one switch.

Because, okay, what's the best mode to put the switch in to attract your mother to come,

to make kissing on your mother's body?

All right, so I'll have to disconnect this call now.

I have to kiss you, but I'm going to have to fuck your mother, all right, if you do that.

All right.

On, off, on, off, on, off, on, off.

Maybe that'll be the title of the show.

Anyone got any ideas for the title of the show, of the greatest show in the history of the Internet?

Thank you for calling to order CopCam.

Thank you for calling Bulbhead Customer Service.

My name is Patterson.

Are you calling for a retail purchase or did you place the order over the phone or website?

444.

Pardon?

444.

I'm really sorry.

I'm not getting your voice clear.

Are you on speakerphone?

Oh, I'll fix that.

Hang on.

Okay.

Can you hear me?

Hello?

Yes.

Hi.

I'm here now.

Yes.

I made a purchase and I'd like to get instructions on how to use this.

May I know the name of the product you're calling for?

CopCam.

And I hope that you have received the instructions how to use it with the product.

No, I didn't get anything. It's a piece of garbage. It's a fucking shit.

From where did you buy the product?

From Atomic Beam.

And you have not received any instructions? Your phone number, please.

The instructions came in the box, but I don't have time for it.

I need you to tell me how to... I need to swallow this.

You need to swallow this?

Yeah, I need to... I'm supposed to get a colonoscopy.

I'm sorry?

My doctor said I need to get a colonoscopy, and I can't afford it,

so I ordered this because it was only two easy payments of $19.99 plus $9.99 shipping and handling,

and it came with a free swivel clip and an 8-gigabyte memory card.

You're talking about the cop cam, correct?

Yeah, yeah, I got it.

I was going to turn it on, swallow it, and then, you know, shit it out,

and then I'll be able to give that to my doctor.

He said that he could use that footage to see if I have any abscesses inside my colorectal tract.

Colorectal.

Your phone number, please.

I mean, it could have been on several phone numbers, you know.

405-396-6884.

I mean, should I just put it up my ass or should I swallow it?

I would appreciate if you use professional language on the call.

This product is not mean for this purpose.

Otherwise, I need to disconnect the call from my end.

No, no, no. Please help me, sir. Please.

This product is not meant to be swollen.

I didn't steal it. I pay for it.

This product is not meant to be swollen.

Swollen? Okay.

So I shouldn't eat it, you're saying.

I should not put it down my mouth.

Correct.

So I should put it up the other way.

I won't say the word, but I should put it up there?

It is not meant for internal use for your body.

Okay, but that's not what they told me when I ordered it.

There was a man, Sanjay, he told me to put it up my ass, he said.

He got kind of upset, but he said, yeah, go ahead, shove it up your...

I do not recommend for that.

I need to disconnect the call from my end.

No, no, please, no, please help me.

Please, please help.

I need help.

I'm scared.

I'm in trouble.

I do not recommend this product to be used for that purpose.

What can I...

Is there something I can do?

can i just hold it at the end of my rectum and just take a picture is there anything else i can

do from my end otherwise i will disconnect the call from my end oh how how how long after i eat

the cop cam until i shit in the toilet how long will it take to go through service we do value

business with us bye-bye take care bencho bencho southeast asia that's like vietnam and shit right

right uh thailand south vietnam saipan vutan propan all those places that's not no bancho

country but they sound very indian so i'm confused that guy said southeast asia because i mean india

is south asia what would india be considered it's not the middle east middle east so is it

what is it what is the middle east called the middle east because it's the middle east asia

is that correct is the middle east asia fuck jesus why have you been calling it the middle

release this whole time no yeah no no because we're the we are the west i am the west so that's

the middle of the east okay and then the far east is china i guess i don't know southeast so maybe

southeast asia he said he said just say southeast or something i don't know i don't know one of our

indian fans maybe i don't think we have any indian fans they're so offended by this show

10 p.m we usually end the show now i'm going to go for like another 10 minutes or so

though. This caught up tonight.

A day for two each payments of just

$19.99 each, plus

$9.99 shipping and handling. Added to

your first payment.

No, no. No, I hit the wrong

button. Alright, I can't. It takes

someone to get through this. They're fun.

Those are fun guys. I might do some of

those for the new show.

Because I can edit it all out, you know.

I'm kind of on

the numbers. This is usually the time I end.

I know I started the show a little late, but I think

just for everyone's sake i'm just gonna call it now you know no one's calling in really um and

that's okay that's okay i'll do one more indians uh restaurant here and then we'll do some promotions

i'll do a quick check of the voicemail see if anyone left any more of them i like to finish

sentences eventually and then we'll call it a night thanks everyone for tuning in by the way

let's see if this indian restaurant picks up and i may have called it already tonight okay show

No better than the last couple shows.

Still not an out-of-the-park show, but not bad, not bad.

And MSG3 Clay, thank you for agreeing.

Draw a penis, MSG3 Clay.

I'm trying to convince him to draw a hidden penis.

He's got this really cool Doctor Who.

I think he's been working on for a while now.

He does a little bit every day on Twitch, on his Twitch channel.

Everyone check that out.

I'm trying to convince him to draw a hidden penis like that one person did in Little Mermaid movie poster.

The original one for Disney.

But he's so conservative.

Yeah, no poop noises today should be really that much

because a lot of people have been talking shit about it.

I might have called this one earlier before

because they're not fucking picking up.

I'm just going to go.

All right, so real quick, everyone,

I want to thank everyone who's tuned in,

everyone who sent in numbers,

Brendan, the park man, who else?

I don't know who else.

Other people sent in numbers, possibly, potentially.

So thanks to you all who did that.

Didn't get any from Ethan that I know of.

He sent some last week and I didn't do a show.

but anyway so this show will be updated by monday uh hopefully should be uh on the podcast

nice and edited and nice and clean if you missed most or part of it you can check it out if you're

a patreon subscriber one dollar minimum gives you militia access which gets you access to the

dropbox feed a dropbox folder where this show will be uploaded here in just a few minutes

it's patreon.com forward slash madhouse also if you increase that donation to five dollars

a month you become a horse member you get access to our nascent discord channel and hey also an

exclusive podcast that i'm just starting to put together and work on that's called international

business telephone machines you can check that out again at patreon.com slash madhouse no you're

not forced to do this i'm just saying if you want to help out i really appreciate everyone who does

is it be sure to subscribe to the podcast regardless over at manhouselive.com check out

all my social media twitter facebook i'm looking at starting my uh instagram starting taking

pictures of random shit for what it's worth because all the cool people like it um hijinks.fun

slash chat for the discord for the hijinks discord be sure to check that out there's no charge for

that of course despite the joke that i made earlier check that out join that discord help

Help pound Jerome out.

He needs it.

He needs to, you know, he needs to get big balls and a big ego.

The more people enter, the bigger his ego gets, and the bigger he swells.

Swells.

I don't know.

I really don't want to give out anything else.

I think I'm done.

I've done enough.

Thanks, everyone who called in also.

All right.

Y'all have a good weekend.

I'll probably make an appearance on Dwight's show Saturday.

Yeah.

Oh, you know what?

I got Monday off of work.

It's Columbus Machine Day.

i'll see if i can do a show monday maybe we'll do a uh an extra show monday yeah

no promises but look out for that possible daytime monday show columbus day is great

because no one fucking really closes for that that much maybe i can do some job calls yeah

park man you're on notice monday show all right anyway guys i'll see you bye

listen

Blue Crab Machines – 10/4/2018 Show

Calls (35, 1 h 42 min of 2 h 25 min)

Transcript

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