Big Belly Bella – 10/11/2018 Show

shut up shut up i am the customer you will listen to me oh you're mr entitled fucking customer no

i'm not oh my god so you're 22 years old and the best thing you have to do with your time

is call hooters and hassle a worker like me who is actually very busy right now and trying to do

my job and just pay for my rent and i have to deal with people like you i call me i'm trying

I'll put you on hold for my manager, okay?

Are you working your way through college, you stripper?

Go ahead.

That's nice honey baby

We kissing pussies

So ladies such a labia

It's crazy

Have the stuff

That my bruh might say to ya

Face it cause

It's the number one prank cast

Stay back

If you can't handle

All the straight laughs

Then we hand to your dome

And if you want

Call the number

You can listen to this show

On the go

Big up

To the man in the madhouse

You show love

You stick your motherfucking hands up

Some come close

But they can't get it right

Let the king do his thing

It's time for madhouse live

Big up

To the man in the madhouse

Show love, just take your motherfucking hands off

You heard about what's going on in there?

Heard a lot of bullshit talk, I know that much

This isn't bullshit, my friend

Do you know something?

Don't listen

What do you know?

Maybe I do and maybe I don't

What I say is they got no business negotiating

We ought to be going back in there with a bullet for everybody in the yard

Oh, is that right?

We do it now, we do it later

Later ain't gonna be no use

Am I right, Al?

Now wait, wait, wait a minute, Frank

We got a lot of angry guys in there

There are black Muslims, panthers, young lords, besides you, the average antisocial.

We gotta go in, right? Clean your clocks.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is...

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

Shit!

The cold open don't go, the cold open don't go, gotta make the cold open machine go.

That was an FU button I got there.

Your call...

Yep.

Hey everybody, it's Madhouse Radio!

Yeah! Get hype!

Best part of the show, when the phone rings.

You guys just heard it.

I'm Carlito, the host.

MadHouseLive.com is my website.

We'll get to more of that in a minute.

In the meantime, I'm trying to get at least one motherfucker to answer the phone.

Usually what I do is call a store, because it's always open.

Hey, honey, baby, how are you?

Oh, my name is Kralz.

I'm headed down to do hurricane relief.

Yeah, we're driving, and we're trying to see how far we got to go.

oh excuse me we're trying to see how far i mean you is jacksonville okay yeah all right how far

do i gotta go when it starts getting bad like you know i have no idea shit all right uh can i make

an order to pick up then because i don't know what we're driving into you know all right what

can i get for you i i'd like a hash browns i like them covered smothered smothered diced

chopped scattered uh doubled double hash brown yeah what other options come that you can get

yeah onion cheese ham tomato mushroom jalapeno peppers chili and gravy but you get like all

those name things right covered smothered what are they called you got covered smothered you

know i'm trying mothers of onions covered his cheese diced his tomato chunked his ham um diced

It's a tomato, capped as mushroom, topped as chili, country as gravy.

Country as gravy.

Okay.

All right.

Do you know what plucked is?

The what?

Plucked.

It's on the secret menu.

I have no idea.

That's when you put some of your nice little pubic hairs in there for me because I like

eating the pubic hair.

No.

Yeah.

You have some pubic hair maybe you share?

No.

You share some hair.

Come on.

Can I get it haired?

No, sir.

All right.

Can you spit in it for me?

Can you curse at it and say, God damn you, motherfucker, you?

Can you, like, talk to real sassy, like, black lady sassy, you know?

Like, roll your neck and all that?

I, no, I can't do that, sir.

Well, I mean, I won't, I mean, just take it to the corner after it's done and, like, curse at it a little bit.

Like, you fucking white, like, say, like, some stuff about white people.

I guess you're real hot and turned on, you know?

Just be like, you fucking white motherfucker, small dick motherfucker, you know?

Like, you just say, like, I bet you want this monkey pussy.

Like, can you say that to it?

No, sir.

Shit.

Is there anyone else there who would do it?

I'll think about your children.

All right, thanks.

Hey, how you doing, my man?

What's going on?

Yeah, I was trying to make an order, but she doesn't understand.

What you was trying to get.

All right, you ready to take it?

I'm not going to take it.

I just want to know what it is.

What do you do there?

You're the cook?

I cook.

You cook?

Yeah, hey, don't give me that African-American attitude either, all right?

Hey, I'm going to hang up, dude.

Hey, listen, I'm coming at you with love, all right?

whatever man anyway how about that kanye west today in the white house huh that fucking dumb

motherfucker fucking stupid doesn't understand that fucking trump is using his stupid ass

he's stupid shit how awkward was that he's cursing in the oval office in the white house

he said motherfucker this and fucking shit that and he's he didn't say the n word about time

state emergency response team yeah hey how you doing my man i'm doing good man how you doing

not good not good i i'm in pensacola i'm in pensacola got it okay pensacola yeah and we

got hit pretty hard you know yeah pensacola got hit pretty hard gotcha yes sir all right why are

you talking like that no i'm responding to you yes sir oh you sounded kind of a little

condescending i don't know oh god no not at all anyway so um do you have i'm trying to see if i

can find some services um i guess you know lysol he left he said he was gonna take his mom up to

uh who left lysol who is lysol he's the guy that he lives downstairs um in one of the units

downstairs from here okay sir so i i'm not even oh so i'm not aware of like where you're i'm in

pensacola pensacola terrace no no no right i understand that but right so so my question to

you is there's a certain gentleman you would like us to check on well his name is lysol yeah so like

Like, I gave him, like, 50 bucks, and he was supposed to bring weed,

and he, like, said he had to take his mom somewhere to evacuate to Alabama or something

because she's on dialysis.

So I don't know if you know who Lysol is, if you can get a hold of him.

Can you just let me know?

Is he coming through or not?

Or do you know someone around here that's holding or anything like that?

Sir, are you speaking of, so this is the state emergency response line.

I'll say.

so what what what are you asking well i i called the state assistance information line and they

fully about but yeah so i don't so the person's missing got it yeah mom we just need to get you

know like we're down to like left here and the air conditioning isn't working it's gonna get

like really shitty around here pretty soon if we're not high you know um okay sir um so that

That, um, sir, hold on one second.

Okay.

I guess I'm in trouble with YouTube.

Everyone donate to Hurricane Michael Relief via the Red Cross.

Head over to madhouselive.com slash donate.

I will totally forward that on.

As a former Floridian, I appreciate that.

Sir, this is, so I would encourage you to contact local law enforcement for that issue.

Why? Why would I?

Like, have you seen the cops in this town?

Sir, this is the official state of Florida emergency response line dealing with the response to Hurricane Michael.

This is the media relations line.

Right, but this is dealing with that.

Right, so this has gone to, as a citizen, I'm citizens, you know, citizens inquiries as well.

Right, well, I'm here.

Right, so we would encourage you, and my response to that is we would encourage you to contact local law enforcement.

What, to ask them who can sell me weed?

Do you think that's really going to work?

No, sir, that's inappropriate.

appropriate but if your friend is not in what i'm saying is like if you're worried about your

friend being missing that is the that's the question i'm answering no we're we're more

worried that we're kind of low on pot and lysol has he has like four warrants and shit like if

i start calling police on them they're probably going to pick his ass up you know like he's got

a suspended license sir one sec hey sir i'm going to transfer you to a to a fellow don't don't don't

you be transferring me to police while i command you to tell me right now if that's what you're

going to do or it's entrapment sir no this is a person that also works in my same unit right here

we'll see all right hello oh my dog farted hey hi yeah are you a cop you have to tell me if you are

so sir i feel like that you're probably trying to play a prank and we are very no no no no and

we are up here saving lives in the state of florida and we don't appreciate you not taking

air conditioning is fucking broken all right okay so we have people that are stranded and

trapped in their homes and you're calling and tying up a line that could save their lives

so i would um suggest that you call someone else and play a prank on them last time i checked the

bible said that you weren't supposed to build your house on the sand just saying that's what it said

fucking homer you farted you fucking nasty fucking dog you

jesus i found him a burger that'd be my fault how about that hurricane huh is it that bad i don't

know i've been kind of out i know they got hit and i kind of watched the coverage but i've been

real busy at work man was it as bad as andrew it looks pretty bad actually it's like another

hurricane andrew this time in the in the big ben machine i don't have parkman numbers today

unfortunately so we'll have to make do with what we got i guess well maybe i mean i mean it's it's

It's too late to be looking for this now.

Just a moment.

This one may work.

Let's see.

My guess is they're going to have a high hold time at the power company, right?

We got a mouth line caller.

Hello.

This one may work.

Let's see.

Don't play the things in the background.

Hello?

I turned my radio down.

Can you hear me?

Hey, Brad Carter.

Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.

How you doing?

Good.

How you doing?

Pretty good.

Good.

So, hey, I'm sorry I ran into your show.

Yeah?

Yeah. My show ran into your show a little bit because I had just this insane call happening.

OK, that's OK. And I just sent it to you as a number.

You need to call if you don't mind. OK, so I was listening to the UPS stuff as I was getting ready.

Was it another UPS thing? I missed it because that's when I was transitioning in.

OK, so this guy is an attorney. So be careful. OK.

Oh, OK. So Roy was going to deliver him a package, but Roy's seat was broken in the truck.

so uh he was sitting on his package all day so he could see over the steering wheel okay

by that but also he can't deliver the package directly to this guy's door because roy is a

registered sex offender so he's gonna leave it by a stop sign down the street okay all right cool

and so he's obviously he was upset about it i'm guessing yelling at you and all that good stuff

probably yeah all right like listen to this it was insane he was just screaming it was

For sure, I couldn't hang up on him.

I got you.

Okay, but I'll call him right now.

I was going to change my caller ID, but let me leave it like that

because he may not answer for a toll-free number.

Yeah, because I was going to change it to DUPS, toll-free.

If he doesn't pick up, I'll change it.

Here we go.

Let's do it.

And now I got you on the line.

Cool.

Whatever, whatever.

Oh, you said, hello?

Hello, this is Chris.

Hi, Chris.

My name is Cross.

I am the supervisor here for the Negation region regarding a package issue

that you're having, I understand.

Yes.

Yes, thank you for calling me back.

Okay, what can I do you for, sir?

So, first of all, the driver, Roy, he used my package as a booster, and so he completely destroyed my package.

He called me to tell me this and was very, very rude when telling me.

I told him, I understand things get broke, just drop it off at my house, and I will call and have another one sent.

Okay.

He said he can't do that because he's on the sex offender list and can't drive to my house.

I see.

He said, I'm going to just drop it at the corner.

I said, that's not acceptable.

It'll get stolen.

It needs to come directly to my house.

He said no, proceeded to get very vulgar, and I did as well.

Not my proudest moment, but yes, I was vulgar as well.

He had started it.

In the process of trying to argue with him about where it needed to go,

I asked him to just have his boss drop it off or some other driver.

Just somebody to get it to my house at some point.

He said no and got very angry with me, proceeded to call me a racist when I haven't ever seen the man,

and after about 15 minutes of him yelling at me and arguing with me and saying very vulgar things,

he finally gave me over to his boss, whose name is Carol,

who then proceeded to also be very, very vulgar and not help me at all

and proceeded to call me a racist and drop the F-bomb at me multiple times

and tell me to shut the F up multiple times and did nothing to aid anything at all.

Then put me on hold, but I actually failed to put me on hold

and proceeded to discuss with Roy how they needed to get high right now.

So the first thing's first, you have a massive personnel problem.

Okay.

Second thing, there's still a package that needs to get to my house

is broken and we'll get here i'll have to say yes it's broken do whatever the insurance thing you

guys have for packages that get broken and have another one cent that i'm not too terribly worried

about it's a couple pieces of plastic for some gas cans so the package not the end of the world

things get broke i understand it drop it off on the step i'll have another one cent i'll you know

I'll call you guys back up with the number, and we'll deal with that.

If things happen, I can handle that.

However, the personnel issue of two extremely rude, extremely vulgar employees

who refuse to do anything to resolve the matter at hand is the bigger issue.

Okay.

All right.

Well, that was a lot of information that you just gave me, so let me back things up.

Now, I understand, all right, so the package was broken, but Roy still wants to deliver that, I understand, and I also spoke to his supervisor, this person who reports directly to me, and they reported that you had used very vulgar language with them.

You're saying that...

They did with me first.

Okay, well, Carol said that you used some very vulgar language with her, and she's a lady.

It doesn't matter, lady, man, whatever.

she started it okay but i mean is that really that's how you that's your defense is that she

started it is it necessary no if she would apologize to me i would apologize back okay

she started it he roy started it was very very vulgar and refused to give the phone to her so

she may have heard some things while i'm pretty sure he had me on speakerphone but i was trying

to say to him in order to force him to give the phone to his boss because he was refusing okay

Okay.

Once she got on the phone, I said, hello, thank you for responding.

Can I please just have you bring me my package?

Yeah.

Now, has she heard me be angry before?

Probably.

But when she first came on, I attempted to be nice.

Okay, listen.

She then proceeded to be very vulgar.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, listen, chew an aspirin.

All right.

So what you're saying is that they said it first.

That's what you're going with as far as this part of the issue that we're resolving.

They started it first.

Can I give you a story, mister?

A few weeks ago, I was speeding, and I was in...

I'm sorry.

I don't need stories.

They are on the clock.

Okay, well, listen.

So am I.

Listen, I got pulled over.

I was going 20 miles over the speed limit.

Shut up.

I am the customer.

You will listen to me.

Oh, you're Mr. Entitled fucking customer.

No, I'm not.

Your two employees are the Mr. Entitled and Mrs. Entitled.

Right, right.

I am the customer who is trying to get my box delivered in the easiest manner possible.

Okay.

Whatever I do or say is my personal thing.

They are for UPS.

Shut up.

They are expected and required to be polite.

Okay, well, you're...

Regardless of what I do, they are expected to be polite.

Shut up. Shut up, please.

As are you, and telling me to shut up is not...

Shut up, please. I said please.

...in any way professional.

professional and in addition please at the end of something does not make it polite says who

well you're you're an expert on that on etiquette now on telephone etiquette because i've worked on

the phones this is my grind this is what i do right saying the word shut up on the phone shut

up please shut up please please does not shut up please is not acceptable please be quiet

Wow.

Have a little bit of a heart attack there?

I got a lot of shit I got to do, and I'm trying to take care of this.

I got five more tickets.

So will you shut up, please?

Right.

So the easiest way for you to take care of this is to get the box to my house and fire those two employees.

Here's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to get that box back to you tonight.

It's going to be Roy that brings it.

He's going to throw the package out.

Do you have a driveway?

That's not acceptable.

It needs to be hand-delivered.

No, we don't hand-deliver anything, sir.

Yes, you do.

No, we don't.

You are required to put it on the doorstep.

If you do not put it on the doorstep, you have not legally fulfilled your requirement.

Nope.

That's incorrect, sir.

It has to be within a certain radius of your premises, which is exactly 10.2 feet.

It is not going to be 10.2 feet.

As long as we inform you where we've left it, and I'm letting you know right now.

Do you have a driveway?

No, I don't.

Can't leave it in the driveway.

If my guy goes out there and you have a fucking driveway, this is going to be trouble for you, all right?

You can have all the trouble you want.

Legally, according to the city, I do not have a driveway right now.

Oh, legally.

Okay, all right, sure.

Right.

Okay, listen.

So this isn't your stuff anyway.

You haven't received it yet.

Right.

You have not fulfilled your contract yet.

Right.

Well, I mean, are you familiar with McClanahan v. United Parcel Service?

I really don't care.

You're legally required to deliver that package to my house.

And it's legally within our domain until we turn it over to you

and you accept the package, and you haven't done that yet.

So I would, first of all, calm down and chew an aspirin.

Stop cursing at me.

So right now, what you haven't done is you haven't legally fulfilled your contract.

Doesn't matter.

I would appreciate it if you could legally fulfill your contract.

Doesn't matter.

We can open this and search it right now.

What do you get to hide?

What's going on here?

What do you have to hide here, sir?

Go ahead.

Open it and search it.

I don't care.

You're going to find some pieces of plastic.

Have fun.

Oh, okay.

Really?

You sure about that?

You know what? Let me call down

right now. Roy, are you there?

Hello, this is Roy. Can I help you?

Hey, I'm with that asshole. I have him on hold

right now. He fucking...

He says that he's probably got...

What the fuck?

I'm not on hold. You guys need to work on that.

We have a new system

here, sir. Great, new system.

Just still didn't do a very good job

putting me on hold and calling me an asshole.

Shit. He likes to pretend he knows

everything. He pretends he's a lawyer

lawyer and everything well he's a racist too and that's the other problem here sir we need to take

care of oh really so you think i'm a lawyer and i think i'm a racist well that's nothing to even

see either of you so i can't be a racist if i don't know anything about well if my driver my

manager shut up please shut up please if my driver my manager both saying that you were making very

racist comments on the phone there is no i did not make a single racist comment telling them to do

Do their job is not racist.

Roy, what happened?

You tell me.

Tell me everything, Roy.

The way he was yelling was very racist.

The way I was yelling?

Tell me the specific racist word that I used.

Because yelling at you for not doing your job is not racist.

I didn't say you used a racist word.

I can't be racist if I don't know what race you are.

Please feel free to tell me what race you are.

Oh, no, you don't need to focus on race like you always do.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You won't even tell me your race.

I can't be racist if I don't know your race.

Duh.

The key thing of being racist is I have to know your race.

Can't be racist if I don't know it.

You just said I don't know it, therefore I cannot be racist.

You destroyed your own argument.

You see how he said duh like that to you?

That's very racist.

Putting this into the computer right now.

Condescending.

I believe the words are right.

Sir, maybe you're ignorant.

Maybe you're ignorant, asshole,

but the word duh has been used as a racial term

against Japanese Americans for about 42 years.

yes it has yes it has oh you're the expert you're the fucking legal expert here

and dumbass got at that too sir the first i want to let you how many times did you call me

an ass it doesn't matter it doesn't matter sir you're the customer like you said you're the

customer and saying that you're racist is a fact it's not slander if it's true um just to let you

you know we're i am banning your address from any further deliveries after this is resolved

you can you can take that to the bank i'm printing that out right now

right now i'm gonna get all three of you fired the threats and now we have threats

okay what is your name sir my name is cross cross lopez and i'm hispanic and you're racist for

talking to me like that he i'm gonna get you fired because you failed to do your job

is racist no it's not chris adams called me spick s-p-i-c is that how you spell it

threatened to have all you reakins fired okay what what random ass word are you putting in

my mouth now because i said none of this you will be fired for failure to do your job i'm not

getting fired i'm in management i'm a union person and i'm not going anywhere sir just to let you

know i'm not going anywhere i'm staying right here oh great so give me to your boss now you

just want to pull bosses out of my ass i'm the boss i am the boss right here unless you know

how to get a hold of the own ups unless you know unless you know how to get a hold of ups you know

know ceo and you might be able to help me out with that because i haven't been able i got some

things in the room by him oh yeah that'd be good go ahead and get a hold of him and put me in and

you're all getting fired i'm not getting fired sir just to let you know nothing's gonna happen

to me you're just a drop in the bucket asshole customer i just i just really i'm an asshole

because you guys won't actually do it the way you're talking you're gonna tell me you're not

an asshole from the beginning of this call you have me sound like a douchebag asshole

oh so now i'm a douchebag thanks thanks that is sexist oh okay sure you're is actually sexist

you're a pet rock you're a balding you're a vietnam vet use all that against me nothing

no one fucking cares okay actually no i'm not a vietnam vet but um i would be damn proud to be

one well you sound like a crazy fucking you sound like a crazy fucking vietnam vet i want to give

you a job based on your veteran status you

do realize how ridiculous all three of you sound right now.

Oh, yeah.

You sound perfect.

You sound just even Steven.

You're right.

Because I am in the right and you need to deliver the package like you're legally contracted to do.

Well, he's going to deliver it.

He's going to throw it towards as close as you can to your property.

You can make this easier by waiting outside.

He's legally required to put it on the doorstep.

No, he is not.

What law, jerk-off?

What law imposed on a private entity, UPS?

This isn't USPS, dumbass.

We're not a federal entity.

Do you understand that?

Guess what?

Stupid.

You have been contracted.

Contracted.

That means that if you do not put that box where you are told to put that box,

Here comes his Jew lawyer talk, yep.

No, it's not.

Judaism is a religion, not a race, you stupid idiot.

And it's not racist anyway to point out that you're a Jew.

Well, yeah, you guys make the best lawyers, and you're Mr. Lawyer of the Year, so apparently you must be, you know, Jew.

being racist because i'm not jewish by the way i just complimented you is actually racist i just

complimented you i think i just lost this package by accident i'm sorry what's he got so what you

got some gas cans and shit like what's the big fucking deal listen let's just get this to you

and call it even all right and we can both be happy go ahead go ahead and drop it off at my

doorstep it's not going to be on the goddamn doorstep sir i need you to i need you to accept

that i need you to say that on the phone verbally that you accept excuse me you need to drop that

within 10 feet of my doorstep no you know where university is down the street i'm going to put

it under the stop sign you're legally not allowed to do that you must put it on according to what

but according to what legally not allowed to according to the according to the sign

shut up we do it all the time don't worry about it then you break the law

all the time because you cannot leave a package unattended not where it's supposed to be dropped

all right well then delivered until it is on the premises even 10 feet of my doorstep nobody cares

about your fucking gas cans fucking not being being left under a fucking stop sign you're

the only one being a douchebag asshole i really don't care what you call me because you see i'm

not offended by you know random words you sure sound offended and upset what upsets you so much

buddy oh you see what i'm actually upset about you're failing to do your job we're trying to

deliver it you're refusing you're refusing delivery i am not refusing delivery i am

requiring proper delivery there is a difference you know what roy requiring delivery roy just

canceled put refused by um senate return to sender i'm done i'm done with this

No, you are legally required to drop that package at my house.

I don't feel comfortable doing that because you're so hostile toward me.

Rory feels very threatened by the way you're acting about this package.

This is very silly of you.

Hey, buddy.

The person who used to say feel threatened, you guys are obviously having some major issues here.

I have done nothing in no way, shape, or form to threaten you.

I have not been racist in any way, shape, or form, however you would have.

Only thing I have tried to do is get my package delivered like you're legally required to deliver it.

Sounds like the kind of guy that'd drive a motorcycle.

It's a pretty small package, too, you know, that you got.

Yeah, just like your package.

I really don't need to know about your guys' packages.

I just need you to deliver my package like you're legally required.

You're not getting it, sir. You've refused delivery already.

I did not refuse delivery. I required you to deliver it to the correct spot.

dropping like a normal person and just picked it up at the stop sign you like

why are you putting so much energy it can be dropped off anywhere we need to

serve a place to drop a package did you get insurance on this package you didn't

get insurance on this package so we can leave it wherever we want

cheapskate no you're legally required to deliver it to my premises nope you're

You're incorrect.

Mr. Attorney.

Legally required.

You don't know anything about the law.

You have not fulfilled your contract until you've delivered it to the premises.

Okay.

All right.

We'll see how far you get with that, okay?

Deliver it to the premises or I will come after you for the monetary value of that package.

It's broken and it's not yours.

You haven't accepted it yet.

You haven't received it.

It is legally required to be delivered to me.

It is not, sir.

I was paid for.

It is mine and you must deliver it.

Nope.

That's incorrect, sir.

not until it is it is ours until we deliver it and with the way you've you've broken our terms

of service with your racism and you're yelling i have not broken any terms of service you broke

your terms of your contract by not delivering it to my money we tried to and you refused guys in

court have a wonderful night deliver it to my house by the five o'clock no afternoon fuck you

how about fuck you call your mom call your mom about it all right finally he's done that guy

Jeez.

Holy shit.

He's a serious fucking guy.

I mean, he's...

That's why my show ran into your show.

I'd hang up.

He's a lot of fun, that guy.

Yep.

Call him back here.

What?

Call has been forwarded to an automatic message system.

You know how he didn't have a driveway?

He might be living in a condo or something.

That's why I asked.

I looked up his house on Google Maps, and he has a driveway.

There's a motorcycle sitting in it.

there's a giant american flag it doesn't sound like that kind of guy to have a big

motorcycle and flag yeah i'm trying to begin deliver my package by five o'clock tomorrow

to my doorstep or you will be i have an update i have an update this is all he wants to say

he doesn't want to say anything else wow well that was fun brad thanks for sharing that yeah

thanks for calling him that was i just want to call that guy forever i know he's great i don't

know at what point he just figures out it's a big prank but he was pretty funny pretty funny dude

it seems like never gonna figure it out like he's gonna just scream about this forever yeah uh you

know what how did he not figure that out some of the stuff i thought he was for sure gonna fall

for it i don't know i think he kind of is on the fence yeah i don't know he's like i didn't hear

anything that made it seem like he's he knows what's going on yes i don't like lawyers really

that much and sales people because they act like they all act like that man just uh i changed my

caller id to the toll-free line oh it's been forwarded to an automatic voice message system

sorry uh i messed up was i on them on his voicemail or did you hang up yeah yeah you were

you were i was trying to do something else let me try one more time trying to get like an automated

automated thing this fucking microphone man keeps keeps cutting out the left side yeah i noticed

with that i don't know why it keeps happening sorry sorry sorry i'm getting voicemail people

must be calling brad i'll clear the line but i'm thinking about having people on skype in a little

bit would you be interested in joining uh you know if you want to join that uh maybe yeah maybe

yeah all right we gotta do it together too soon i want to ride around in a helicopter with you

yeah we gotta do that during the day we gotta do a day thing so it's on saturday you want to do

saturday we could do that saturday during the day you won't be home at all on saturday or maybe

Maybe it's Sunday.

I don't know.

I'll talk to you on Skype.

Either Saturday or Sunday.

All right.

We'll figure it out.

Good.

Okay.

Woo.

Bye.

That was Brad, everyone.

That was fun.

You can call 405-396-6884.

That's 405-396-6884.

Thank you.

One moment, please, while I reset the caller ID correctly.

That was a front prank call.

Why?

I could give out.

But also, you know, madhouselive.com, all the links are there.

All your link needs can be fulfilled.

Over at MadHouseLive.com, the tune-in link to listen on your smart device or computer,

tune-in radio, shoutcast links, et cetera.

YouTube streaming right now.

You can watch me doing this show.

No music on that YouTube because of copyright purposes,

but you can still hear the pranks and the callers.

Yeah.

Follow me on Twitter, at MadHouse on Twitter.

I'm also on Facebook, Facebook.com slash MadHouse.live.

Those links are over at MadHouseLive.com anyway.

way don't stress too much if you missed that please support the show patreon.com forward slash

madhouse there will be a new episode of international telephone business machines this will be another

free for everyone uh there'll probably be this one and one more free for everyone and then we're

going to an exclusive for patreon supporters if you're a horse member they're donating at least

five dollars a month you get to get you get exclusive prank calls i think it's going to be

bi-weekly right now twice a month every other week uh eventually i would like to

if it if it takes off i'll go to a weekly all right and if you want to chat over on discord

you should be sure to go to hijinks.fun slash pranks is that right hijinks.fun slash chat

ah shit something like that discord.gg slash pranks i think that still works okay so let's

get back to it and do some more prank hauls all i have in front of me now are waffle houses but

but but but but hey i wanted to call back last week we called some of those info that infomercial

line they had a few products for sale they were kind of indian sounding they said southeast asia

but it was fun it just it was kind of a chore to get through to someone but it was interesting so

let me see if i can find that line here being sitter well i'm a cop cam yeah that's what it

There was, again, 405-396-6884 if you would like to join the show.

Thank you.

And a special thanks to all my Patreon supporters.

Thank you for calling to order Cop Cam.

Available today for two easy payments.

I think option in the first one is three.

Plus $9.99 shipping and handling.

Hurricane Spin Scrubber.

Your call may be recorded.

Dude, that Hurricane Spin Scrubber looks cool as fuck.

I'm going to get that thing.

Thanks for calling, Belpit.

You are speaking with Justin.

Are you calling for a retail purchase, or did you place the order over the phone or on the website?

I placed the damn order already.

I'm sorry?

I placed the order, damn it. The order, I already placed it.

All right. Okay. All right, just give me a moment. When did you place the order?

A week ago. I already have it here. You don't even know what I got.

So how may I help you today?

I got the cop cam.

Mm-hmm.

All right? And I put it in the toilet so I could take video of the girls peeing in the train station.

Uh-huh.

And whenever I put it in there, it, like, turns itself off after a certain amount of time?

Yes, because you are using it in a bad way.

Please use it in a good way, then it will work properly for you.

Well, what's the good way? I don't understand. You need to help me.

This isn't fair.

All right, first of all...

Stupid.

You have to charge... First of all, you have to charge the cop cam, all right?

Okay, that's already done. Hello?

Yes, go ahead.

That's already done, I said.

all right then you just have to put the micro sd card inside the cop cam and you just have to

keep it as it is if if it if it takes if someone comes near the cop cam near the toilet if when a

girl sits on the toilet you mean so you have to be very professional in this or else i'm going to

hang up the call but i'm telling you what i'm using it for is for toilet to take the video of

the toilet the girl pee pee pee you know don't go don't go don't go come on oh man he's gone he's

gone i was gonna play pissing sound effects it was gonna make great fucking sense oh he's still

connected shit all right let's call back let's call again let's call again it just takes so long

to get through thank you for calling to order cop cam fucking kanye was hitting the fucking

the president's desk how disrespectful getting his greasy fucking black hands all that's

at his desk you asshole you ignorant you stupid or do you even touch that desk thank you for

calling bulbhead this is nathan are you calling for a retail purchase your name's not did you

place your order what was your name nathan yes my name is nathan your parents named you nathan

yes right okay whatever yeah listen i have the cop cam and i'm having trouble with it i need help

all right what is the problem that you're facing with the product all right well let me look

look it cuts off look i'm gonna play the vid i put this in a i went to the train station i put

this in the women's toilet and it cuts off and it stops right there i don't know why it keeps

shutting off i'm really sorry for the inconvenience sir be professional because here you there yeah

i'm here hello hello yeah i'm here go monkey i'm here i'm so sorry sir please be professional okay

i'm just telling what i'm using it for i put it in the toilet you know for medical purposes but

But, look, I'll play it again.

Listen.

And it stops right there.

I mean, that's like five seconds.

Do you understand?

Yes.

What is the problem that you're facing with the product?

Well, it's supposed to keep recording until I turn it off.

It only records five seconds at a time.

Every time I start, like, here's another one right here.

This woman's...

She's peeing.

And it shuts off right there.

I mean, I can't masturbate to this.

This is like five seconds.

I'm so sorry, sir.

Please be professional on the call, okay?

I'm not masturbating now.

I'm just saying.

I'm so sorry, sir.

This product will work only when there is a motion.

If there is no motion, then it will not work.

Yeah, but I can see the urine is coming out of her vagina.

Look, there's motion.

Clearly, there's motion.

I'm so sorry, sir.

Look, I can see it coming out.

And she passes gas, and then it stops.

I'm so sorry, sir.

Please be professional.

Otherwise, I will have to disconnect this call right now.

What do you want me to say?

That she has flatulence?

She urinates?

I'm not saying anything vulgar.

She's urinating.

See?

She's urinating.

I can see her pubic hair and her vagina.

And then she, like, farts a little bit, and then it turns off.

I would request you to kindly use professional language.

Otherwise, I will have to disconnect this call.

Okay, so what do you recommend?

I already told you.

How do I make it go in the toilet?

Here, let me tell you.

It's a small camera.

You can use it anywhere.

However, you said that it's not recording more than five seconds.

However, if there is any motion, then it will record it.

If not, then it will not record.

So this is what the solution is.

But there's motion. You can see the liquid coming out in the video.

Like, I see her sit down, and her pants are off, and I see her butt cheeks and her vagina,

and then she starts pushing out the urine.

It starts coming out of her, you know, her private parts.

I'm really sorry, sir.

And then it stops.

Then she farted, and then it stopped.

Bhenchod.

Let me check this information. May I put this call on hold for a brief while?

Hurry up.

Thank you.

All right. Please use, please use the...

professional language big jose saying what's up jose looks like you gained some weight there man

you gotta lay off the monster drinks got a number from big brendan all right brendan we'll give that

number a call this is chicago did i call there last week i think do do do do do do do do for

we'll see this motherfucker comes back thank you for being on hold hello hello are you here i'm

here hello i'm so sorry sir if you are not using any professional language then i'm going to

disconnect this call right now i said hello what's going on you said something before that i said

hello bench hog i'm really sorry since you are not using any professional language i will have

to disconnect this i thought that was your name was that your name since you are not using any

professional language and i've been warning you since from the beginning okay no no please i'll

stop i'll stop but can you just help me i need to make this work in the twill they are indian guys

they are indian he knows what the banchot is he knows what the banchot is yeah yeah

he knows what that is all right here comes the next call why no one call me why no one like me

anymore 405-396-6884 that's 405-396-6884 if you guys don't start calling one i'm just gonna take

it away use it or lose it so i ain't gonna be paying money for that shit no one wants to use

is it i'm saying no brad carter line rolling brad carter calling in shit try that again we got a

normal call clearing there was a return of the jedi arcade game walter heimlich went over with a

with a super chat thank you sir ten dollars says to take a look at this it's on your viewer all

right yeah i'm not getting an answer here fuck it these fucking hooters bitches never answer the

phone for me shit and why not seriously it's like every time i try to call the hooters i've had an

an idea for Hooters for a while, but every time I try to

fucking call, it just ring rings. Here's one

in a different city. Let's see. We got a mouth-flying

caller. Thank you for calling Madhouse

Radio. How can I help you? Oh, thanks.

Thanks for that. That's not nice to say,

you know. Sorry. Forgive me.

It's okay. I forgive you. Thanks for calling

Hooters of Campbell. How may I help you?

Hey, honey. How are you? It's me.

Oh, my God. Who is this? Hey, it's Cross.

Hey. Who is this?

Who is this? Cross. I was in there.

i came in earlier oh yeah i didn't i didn't meet you how can i help you well it was it was it wasn't

today it was like two days ago who was this i want to make sure i got the right person um i don't i

i don't know who you are so i'm not gonna tell you who i am well you fucking work there don't you

yeah i do work here that's why i answered the phone well i think you're the girl that took my

order brought the wings out i got them oh like twice baked and fried pickles well how can i

How can I help you?

Well, it was really cool.

Like, you sat down when I took my order.

You sat down to take the order.

I'm so glad.

That was really nice of you.

Of course.

And that's like, is that something you do for all the guys?

Oh, always.

All the time.

Oh, you always do that?

Yeah, we do it all the time.

Oh, when do you get out of work?

I have a boyfriend, so why does it matter?

No, well, I mean, it's a parking lot thing, you know?

Oh, my God.

Can I ask you something really quick?

Yeah, sure.

How old are you?

22.

So, you're 22 years old, and the best thing you have to do with your time is call Hooters

and hassle a worker like me, who is actually very busy right now and trying to do my job

and just pay for my rent, and I have to deal with people like you.

So, I call me.

I'm trying to work.

I'll put you on hold for my manager, okay?

Are you working your way through college, you stripper?

Go ahead.

What's up?

Go ahead, working your way through college, stripper.

Go ahead.

You're so funny.

what do you do for a living i do prank calls yeah i'll clearly well don't quit your day job

because you're not very good at it i just got a ten dollar donation from walter highland

micklelover so what's good what's up oh what's up what's up and stop wasting your

stop wasting my time hey i got a racist you must be really lonely if this is all you can

do in your free time let me put racist man on the phone shit damn it i want to make you

let you be racist because i know you love racism no no no you would be an anti-semitic that that

lawyer that jew is being anti-semitic yeah but that's that's not a race that's a religion it

is a race too i don't know whatever you sound like legend are you legend you're probably gonna

say you're a legend no good good i hate that guy to place a carryout or catering order he's an

You're an asshole.

Yeah.

Cool.

Gondo.

Sharmuta?

Sharmuta animal.

Horrible.

Fucking bleep.

Ask your aunt, ask your uncle, ask your grandmother.

Church, fuck me.

How can I help you?

Yeah, how you doing?

Good, thank you.

How about you?

I want to make an order.

Sure.

What would you like to have?

One me.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

One of those.

Okay.

Do you want me to take your order?

Yes, please.

Okay, what would you like to have?

Okay, one.

Stupid.

That's fucking stupid.

What a waste of a fucking call.

She sounded kind of annoyed the whole time.

From the beginning, she was annoyed that one.

What race do you think she was, sir?

The human.

Sounded like human to me.

Okay, good.

Yeah.

Yeah, I got one.

Shut up.

Thank you for calling Boston.

The founders.

Holy shit.

When I dial a number

I have to hold you for a few seconds

Oh I see

Hi Roshanna

I'd like to make an order

Okay

Give me one second

I'm taking a shit

I guess she was listening that whole time

Wow great

Caller are you sure you're not legend

You really sound like legend

Can't you just say you're legend

I'm not him

He's an asshole

I'm somebody else today

A completely different person

No, you're a legend.

I understand.

No.

Okay.

We need to get

close to Gondou

and back.

Gondou?

Well, you have

Gondou numbers?

Motherfucker.

Well, that's the

problem.

They're Texas

Fort, and they're

only, like, open

at 9 to 5

Eastern, because

they know that's

when they make

money from the

old people who

don't know shit

about computers.

Did you see the

big arrest that

happened?

Well, there was,

like, a big

crackdown in India

on the scammers.

I wonder if I don't know if they picked your boys up or not. No, I know there's so many of them

I mean to be able to thank you for calling to order cop cam. I'll get you a cop cam today for two easy

He's gonna sit through it, you know, it's all good 999 shipping and handling added to had Burger King is the second time I Burger King

I feel like I gotta you know

Thanks for calling ball pad you are speaking with Justin. How are you calling for a retail purchase?

chance or did he place you on the website well yeah well you see i got one of these cop cameras

and stuff like that all right i'm i'm trying i don't have health insurance or anything i was

seeing i was trying to see if i had any polyps or anything so i kind of doused it with yeah you

know ky lubricant and i shoved my ass and trying to look and see if i had any polyps or anything

things like that and when i pull it back out i couldn't get the sd card to read on my computer

but

apologize, but there is lots of static in the call.

I can't hear you.

Can you please?

Can you hear me now?

I really apologize.

There are lots of sounds like...

Oh, I don't understand what's going on.

I'm speaking directly into my phone.

Anyway, sir, did you hear my complaint?

Uh, no.

Now I can hear you.

Can you please tell me the question one more time?

Well, let's see.

I was calling concerning my top cam.

I can't get the SD card to read.

I can't read the SD card.

Hello?

Did you get the SD card?

I'm sorry, sir.

What?

I'm sorry?

I really apologize, sir, but I'm trying my best, but I can barely hear you.

Okay.

I'm speaking as loud as I possibly can right now.

Can you hear me or not?

I can hear you now, but the words which you're telling me.

Okay, let me drop the Southern accent. Perhaps you can hear me now. Can you understand me now?

Yes, now. Go ahead, please.

Okay. I'm having a concern with my cop cam. I can't read anything from the SD card, sir.

See, instead of having to wait and charge my insurance, I can't get health insurance.

I can't, I don't make enough money to pay for your insurance.

So instead of going to the, you know, the doctor, I said, well, I'm going to buy one of these top cams.

I'm going to self-insert it and see if I have any polyps or any lumps or anything that should not be in my lower colon.

I, you know, I lubed it up and I put it in there and, you know, routed it around and made sure it looked this way and that way.

I would pull it back out.

Now I can't get, I can't get the SD card to read.

I can't read the data off the SD card I had to like it was stuck in the cop cam

for a while I had to like take a one of these metal toothpicks and you know

kind of like get all the corn and everything I think I skipped a step I

think I was supposed to clear myself out before I did anything like this but no

I'm trying to save time hello can you hear me speaking to anyone I can I can

can hear you yeah first of all yes first of all i really apologize i cannot hear a word you told me

all right uh you went too far and moreover your voice is breaking in and out so it is

you're fucking stupid you know that you hear that i think you know how fucking stupid you are

uh sir first of all uh yes your voice is audible now you can tell me the query okay

Why can't you hear my associate?

I don't understand.

Why are you so stupid?

I don't understand.

Please be polite with me so that I can help you.

I'm being very polite with you right now.

You fucking monkey.

All right.

God, little monkey.

Son of owl.

Son of owl, sir.

Okay.

He's got a complaint.

I mean, I don't know what else to do here, man.

What do we do?

Where do we go from here?

If you don't want to listen, if you're refusing to listen.

If you're going to tell me the queries, what is wrong with the cop cam,

then i can definitely help you out but you have called us three times and you're telling something

other so we're gonna help you for that okay if you tell me the exact question i can help you sir

okay well he said he said he's got polyps and he wants to like swallow the cop cam to get in his

body get pictures of it for his doctor fantastic voyage yeah yeah yes now see what happened is

that while using the cop cam first of all did you charge that yeah of course

all right now the second thing is that did you put the micro sd card inside the cop cam

yes yes i did yes all right stupid now now just allow me a moment let me tell you about the

one it has the motion on it it has the motion on it all right whenever someone or goes inside uh

uh in front of the camera then it will work okay but that's the thing he's swallowing it and then

down there there's all the stomach juices and like the shit the feces are inside him and they

move around the bowel movement so it should be catching that yeah just give me a moment

you're looking that up wow he's probably going through a pdf what to do if it says he shit

I think there's two of them waiting there.

Give me a moment, sir.

You mean to say that you have put the cough cam inside the stomach?

Yes, sir.

And even farther.

Farther than that.

Yes, all the way through.

All right.

Can you please help me with your billing phone number?

Hello?

Goddamn.

Goddamn, you're stupid.

May I know from where did you purchase this cough cam?

From your mother.

I got it from the TV.

No, he can't help you.

Listen, you know how he got it?

Your mother came over, and she opened her legs, and it came out of her vagina.

That's what happened.

Do you understand that?

Son of 99 cop cabs.

I'm in the near future.

I don't know if I'll see this, but I'm pretty sure you will.

That's going to be a thing.

You can actually go buy this little thing, swallow it, and you can watch the travel at home.

I'm not talking at the doctor's office.

because that's coming soon to reality near you.

And that cop cam can go to hell after that,

because then we'll fucking have shit.

They don't have customer service first.

You have to go through a big tree of hell.

Where am I, anyway?

I don't even know.

I'll swallow one every day just to see how I'm doing down there.

Hey, we're going to go, Indian man, because you're an asshole, all right?

And the cop cam is a shit.

Has the show started?

Yeah, we've been here, but this fucking guy.

Goddamn.

What's wrong with the phone?

You can't hear me?

I don't know.

He can hear you fine.

You're on the same line.

You're literally, your comfort's on the telephone with him.

There's nothing getting in the way.

Yeah, I'll try another one.

The only problem with these, hang on.

The only problem with these guys is that they don't get angry.

Available today for two easy payments of just $19.99 each, plus $9.99 shipping and handling.

My name is, yeah, I'm Matt Hillard.

Hello.

Can you hear me?

Yes, sir.

Okay, yes, I'd like to take a, make a takeaway.

way order go ahead sir okay i need a chicken chicken marsala

uh what i'm sorry sir chicken chicken

yeah okay do you have chicken 65 no i don't

okay i need a couple of papadum chicken tikka masala

oh yeah you know you okay you are done rice you okay you got everything okay

Okay, does he have polka dot, polka dot, pop-a-dots, I'm sorry, god damn.

Why are you sound like you're far away?

What's going on?

We are, we are far away.

Yes, can you hear me?

Yeah, go ahead, go ahead.

I think it's my phone.

It might be.

It might be, it might be my racist phone.

Hello?

Yeah.

God damn it.

I'm going to return to base.

Why shit's not working?

All right, return to base.

RTB.

All right, I'll take care of it.

Bye.

RTLS.

Bye, buddy.

All right, that's legend.

It's supposed to be.

Hey, sir, I need to make an order.

One chicken tikka masala ala carte.

Okay.

All right.

You don't have chicken 65?

No.

Do you have paneer 75?

No.

Okay.

Do you have butter chicken?

I do.

Okay.

All right.

Do you have any naan?

We have naan.

Okay.

Garlic naan.

Hey, caller.

hang on hey hey yeah some garlic naan and then uh i've got um my cousin here he just joined the

phone okay okay and he wants he wants to kiss a indian girl on her private parts do you have a

sister sir you have sister no okay does he have sister i need a sister hey caller how you doing

sorry to throw you in there hey carlito hey it's close so i don't know if you remember me close so

years ago

Colosso

I used to do the chat

you know

Colosso

it's been a while

you know

you shouted me out

a couple times

Colosso

you know

K-L-O-S-O

you're a rock

we used to be

PS3

PlayStation buddies

back in the day

I think I remember you

from PS3

yeah

you know man

yeah

I just want to say

because I just got off of work

and I've always been

I haven't been able to

catch live shows

and I'm just like

hey

I gotta call my man

you know

yeah

it's amazing to hear you bro

And I just want to give a quick shout out to Ken, you know, my boy, Milkman, you know, the boys, Big Ken.

But it's amazing.

I mean, I've called it fucking 20 times.

Damn, front reception, front reception.

I'm like, damn, man, Joe's fucking answering the phone.

It's hard to get through, man.

But you can always hear my voicemail, you know.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, exactly.

But right now I'm just buying a beer.

I'm a tall boy.

I'm listening to the show.

So that's why I'm happy.

I was like, wait, is that Carlito on the fucking phone?

That's me.

You got it?

Holy shit.

Yeah.

So, yeah, I mean, I'll be leaving in about a month is the Army, so I'm like, anytime I listen, yeah, bro, so.

Fuck.

I'm 22 now, so, I mean, I've been listening since I was a little kid, bro, I'm an oldie.

Fucking Army, holy shit, what are your plans for the Army, what do you want to be, an Army Ranger?

Well, I want to be a benchwood kisser, but no, I want to be in the medical field, of course, you know.

Okay, of course, of course, yes, of course.

Yeah, so, I mean, I got one of those, can you use that here, this register?

sir because i mean there's no i saw you currently on me uh make sure they get i mean i got brown

back i mean i don't need a problem i can if you can yeah um sorry sorry about that all right no

so let me just say that you will be getting a beer whatever is calling in then hey if i can

get in the call you know i've been always wanting to so yeah absolutely hey listen be careful yeah

sure but listen be careful don't be drinking that beer in the car if you're going to the army oh no

no i'm getting i'm getting home first oh yeah don't worry buddy yeah i'm gonna be responsible

Possible, yeah.

Good, because you're so close to going to the Army.

All right.

Have you been preparing?

Have you been doing some walks?

Yeah, I've been running, been doing everything, my man.

Yeah.

And I should take it off.

We're with everything, right?

With the coupon?

Yeah.

So basically, I've been doing it.

I've been running, listening to your podcast.

I just downloaded the archives on the network.

I just listened to it, yeah.

Take some of the Army with you.

Yeah, take some of the Army with you.

Listen, and tell those army boys, because I think we could do good in the military.

Oh, they'd be, they'd be, they'd be.

Yeah, yeah, no taking.

They'd be dropping the soap there, you know.

Yeah, yeah, man.

Now you're going to have to shit in front of other people now and all.

Oh, no, I've already had to, let me see, man.

Hello?

I've already had to find.

Non and curry?

Yes, sir.

I'd like to make an order.

Sure, sir.

Okay, like one order of papadums?

We don't have papadums, sir.

Do you have chicken 65?

No, we don't have them.

Do you have chicken tikka?

Did you order at the right place? I'm calling from Saratoga.

You're calling from Saratoga Avenue, yeah, San Jose.

9 Curry, 375, 9 Curry.

Yes, sir, yes, sir.

Okay, well, don't be manchur.

All right, do you have chicken tikka masala?

Yes, sir.

All right, one order of chicken tikka masala, very spicy.

Okay.

Okay, all right, and do you have naan, of course, it's in your name.

Do you have stuffed naan?

We have stuffed naan, yeah.

Like onion kulcha, paneer naan.

Paneer naan.

That's the cheese, right?

Onion naan.

We don't put cheese in onion.

We put onions in it.

If you want cheese one, that's called chili cheese naan.

That's called chili panang?

Chili cheese.

Yeah, chili cheese naan.

Makes perfect sense.

Okay, I'll take one of those.

Okay.

One bench hot.

One, sorry, sir?

Bench hot.

Hey, can I make an order?

Can you give me something else, Carlito?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, I'm going to put my friend.

He's about to join the army to kill Indians.

He's going to have him pay good order.

Hey, you guys got that spicy chicken tikka?

Okay.

I mean, can you make it really spicy?

All right.

Because I want this to be spicy.

No, he hung up.

He hung up.

Indian banjo.

I'll call back.

But, you know, I may be talking a lot because I know I was laughing at the phone call with

the fucking, the blue lobster, the little lobster.

She gets those lobsters high.

Oh, yeah.

And that bitch is talking over and over.

Yeah, yeah.

And you're like a goddamn bitch talking so much.

I'm just excited to talk to you, my man, you know.

It's an honor.

It's been years and years.

Like, my childhood years, so.

Yeah, I remember.

I added you, like, back in 2011 on PlayStation 2.

Yeah, I mean, exactly.

It's been a while, man.

And I'm happy at least you remember.

I was like, man, I hope my boy remembers me, you know.

Yeah.

But, hey, I got my own little Puerto Rican thing, too, you know.

Nice.

I'm a Caucasian white privileged male over here, apparently, you know.

Oh, it's like that.

Yeah, us white privileged, yeah, we're horrible.

I got this feisty Puerto Rican, jeez.

i don't understand but wait but bro i'm telling you you're plantain jibarito sandwiches all that

shit but fucking oh man i'm telling you guys know how to do it but you guys are crazy motherfuckers

yeah crazy motherfuckers the women are yeah the women are fucking crazy hey you fuck them over

they'll cut your dick off oh yeah dude if you have a girlfriend or a wife she's puerto rican

and you pissed her off and you're you haven't come home it just don't come home man oh exactly

don't leave state bro get the fuck out of there leave state yeah i've been with her for about

four years and it's been crazy you know they love you forever but you you messed up and oh god

yeah oh lord but hey yeah they take care of the house and you know they take care of their man

but they will break your dick off if you do so and they can back you up too man she's gone

feisty oh shit i don't know some bitch cut me off once and she's like babe fucking follow that

old bitch i'm like babe she's relaxed like damn but hey this is this is my girl baby yeah but

yeah i mean she's getting her masses right now because i'm from chicago and i'm so pissed i got

I missed your meetup.

And I'm so pissed, you know.

I was listening.

You live in that area?

Yeah, I'm in Chicago.

Oh, shit.

You didn't show up?

I was so pissed.

I wanted to get so pissed drunk with you guys.

Fucking stealing hotel towels and fucking waters.

Yeah.

Pissing off Gia.

It was so fun.

Oh, man.

We had a great time.

We had a good time.

I'm going to try to catch you in San Francisco or San Antonio, wherever you're going to go.

You know, San Francisco.

That's where I might be stationed at medical.

So, if you guys meet up next year, you know, I know for the west side.

Yeah, we're talking San Francisco.

It looks like it's going to be San Francisco, yeah.

And I'm going to try to become, you know, a machine member, a horse member, whatever.

Because, you know, I want to be, I got a Discord.

I want to be at least part of that whole Discord.

You know, it's not, it's kind of quiet right now, but I'm going to make my best, you know,

because you're my man, bro.

You've got me through ups and downs in my life, like if you can believe it or not.

Your prank calls have taken me out of depression.

Your prank calls have made me smile.

So, you've changed people, I'm telling you right now.

You know, you ain't just some funny ha-ha guy.

You know, you actually made a ha-ha-hee-ha, you know, hoo-hoo.

Ha-ha-hoo-hoo-hee-hee-hee.

I'm going to say, thank you, Carlito, for all those years of laughter and everything, you know.

No problem, buddy.

I'm trying to call Australia.

It's not working right.

I'll let you go, man.

So when do you leave for the military, though?

What's going on with that?

After November 9th.

That's when her birthday is.

I'll try to call him again next week if I'm not as excited.

but normally, you know, a little bit more on these.

At least I got to talk to you finally, you know.

But I'll let you continue to show them.

Keep listening and keep it up, labia.

Hey, see you, big labes.

All right, buddy.

Yeah, I beat you.

This guy's going to be looking to dock.

That's what they call you.

This is medic.

I was trying to call the Chinese embassy in Australia.

Let's see what happened.

What did it say?

Now you've been recorded.

I can't get to the phone right now, but leave a message,

and I'll get back to you as soon as I'm available.

That's Australian to me.

Sounds like I had the right number.

or at least i had the right intention let's see here chinese visa application service center that's

not it man because is it saturday already over there in that fuck no no i'll try to call anyway

hang on i think they're always staffed they don't just leave the embassy closed

祝悉你总领馆郑重提醒领区内中国公民高度警惕电信诈骗

中国驻外市领馆不会以任何方式通知公民办理护照签证或领取文件等物品账户信息

如接到相关机构电话,应在其官方网站查询联系方式后回播确认

不要接听任何转接电话

邮政编码2050

联系电话02-8595-8002

传真02-8595-8021

青窗青窖青窗

Totally not being racist here, folks.

So looking at doing incoming calls

for the next international telephone call business,

international business telephone call machines show.

Ended by remote,

which means they keep hanging up on me.

Fucking fuck.

All right, we'll call a consulate instead.

This is in New Zealand, home of the Kiwis.

hello thank you for calling the consulate general of the people's republic of china in auckland

for chinese language service please dial one for english language service please dial two

the person at extension one eight one three is unavailable please leave oh fuck it this has to

be during the day uh i got a caller's coming in but real quick i want to hit uh just let everyone

know we had some super chats here i want to thank everyone who did that one of them was a shout out

to legend from the heimlich maneuver thank you heimlich for your super chat he gave a shout out

to legend with two cats and then said one two three four i believe that's what it said uh some

kind of secret code there that we just dropped for heimlich awesome uh lkj aster heifer said

The Jihado918U089 said, show dogs generals and express butt glands on cam.

I don't think Homer would like that.

But thank you for your super chat.

Same person also said, I fondle myself and spray out in my own mouth.

I fondle myself and spray out in my own mouth.

When you say spray, I'm pretty sure that means you piss.

You're not cumming.

You don't spray cum.

you shoot come uh lj big lj with a very nice sexy chunky super chat and said i have to hear

brad's end on this call that's that seems to be in reference to that uh ups call that we did top

of the hour uh yeah i kind of hear that too hopefully i'll be hopefully be able to hear

that tomorrow i'm excited about that and uh walter heimlich maneuver also said chris cross

double time because he said his name was chris and i said my name is cross where is homer

speaking of anal glands where's that boy let me check on him he's in his bed he's being a good

boy okay everybody well back to the show uh 405-396-6884 you can call that number just like

this person is right now so don't bother calling now until you hear this person hang up hi thanks

for calling hey carlito it's brendan hey brendan brendan from facebook this is numbers yeah the

The one from Facebook, and remember, I met you in Chicago, too.

Yes, that's right.

You did.

Yeah.

Thank you.

You had good numbers last week, actually.

I did.

You sent the purple pig, right?

And you sent another one, too.

Yeah, the purple.

I sent you a couple soul food restaurants, too, on the south side.

I thought those would be pretty funny.

But, you know, they're probably all closed because everything in the city shuts down.

Well, at least, like, the soul food places, they'd be shut down by now.

That's what I hear.

Yeah.

yeah yeah yeah sorry far no i know it's cool man i know you got parkman's got your numbers and

all that and i've been i've been busy with other shit right now so parkman's actually he's traveling

so he wasn't he couldn't send me numbers but he did meet milkman i believe tonight or today

yeah so he delivered i i gave parkman a package to send the milkman uh when we did our meetup and

And he gave that to him, which is good.

This is good, yeah.

I'm really tempted to try to get out to San Fran for that March meetup.

Financially, I'm kind of struggling right now, but I have some frequent flyer miles to use.

Yeah?

Cool.

And I'm like doing DoorDash on the side with my regular job, so I'm trying to save up some money.

So I don't know.

I'll see.

Yeah.

See what happens.

You can walk dogs.

You can sign up for wag.com and walk dogs.

Yeah, I've heard that, but I don't know.

That's a little, I don't know, too much risk involved with that.

I'd rather just look at food.

Yeah, it's scary to lose a dog, you know.

Yeah.

I don't want to deal with that.

I'm always worried about my dog that he's going to run away or something.

I worry too much.

I'm going to be terrible.

Oh, that sucks.

When I'm a dad, it's going to be bad, especially if you have a girl.

I'm going to not let her do anything.

I'm just going to lock her up all the time.

It's not going to be good.

I'm not going to be healthy.

No.

Not by a long shot.

Yeah.

I'm going to do a call here.

We'll talk later.

Titanic Expedition.

This is a park man number from last week that I called last week.

It's a Titanic thing.

You know, it's a boat that went down.

Thank you for calling the Luxor Show Reservations.

This call may be monitored or recorded for quality purposes.

Para Espanol, aprima el nueve.

For Show Reservations, press thank you for calling Show Reservations.

Your call may be recorded for quality assurance.

For new show reservations, please press 1.

For existing show reservations, please press 2.

Unfortunately, I did not hear you.

Thank you for calling show reservations.

We're experiencing high call volumes.

Please remain on the line for the next available representative.

Thank you for your patience.

What's up with the big llama in the chat room?

Hey, big llama.

Llama machine.

Thank you for calling Luxor show reservations.

We're going to skip on this if we have a high hold time.

All of our representatives are currently assisting other guests.

Please remain on the line, and a representative will be with you momentarily.

Can you hear me?

Yes.

Oh, okay.

I wasn't sure if I was getting you.

No, you're good.

Okay.

I'm going to call this aquarium instead, see if they're open.

Where's that at?

Good question.

Las Vegas, they've got to be open.

Thank you for calling Shark Reef Aquarium at Mandalay Bay,

Nevada's only AZA-accredited animal care facility.

Please make your selection from the following menu.

Information including hours of operation, admission prices, and directions to the...

One, two, the box...

All right, the box office phone.

Please hold on while I try that extension.

Voice messaging system.

Enter the extension you are calling at any time.

If you don't know the extension, enter 411 for a directory.

Otherwise, please answer the following questions and I'll make sure your message gets attention.

No, no.

I don't want that.

Okay, well, no.

No to that.

No.

Fuck.

Damn it, man.

My number game is not the best today.

I know.

Do you still have Lonesome Loser's log of all the numbers he had saved?

I remember you always talked that you had that.

Yeah, they all slowly started becoming disconnected because they're old numbers.

I mean, they go back a long time.

Yeah, okay.

So, yeah, after a while.

Here's another aquarium, though.

This one says that they're open for a few more minutes.

Oh.

Let's see if they owe.

let's see if this works hello king aquarium hi um we were there recently and i was just going

through my son's pants like his laundry and it looks like he stole something from your place

from your aquarium somebody stole something my son my son did oh yeah he has a there's a dead

fish that he has in his pocket a dad he took a dead fish well i think he stole the fish and it

died in his pocket oh shoot what kind of fish is that um it's orange and white and it says disney

on it orange and white right and there's like this it this animal it has like this it looks

like a tag do you tag these fish sometimes it says disney i think the name of the fish is disney

mickey mouse uh bloody

No, he can't eat.

I put those Mickey Mouse bloody up on top.

There's no way he can get it.

No, it's a fish.

It's a fish.

It's a fish, but probably sometimes some fish at the lower level fish tank.

Is it big?

Yeah, it's pretty big.

Pretty big, my gosh.

Yeah.

Well, thank you for calling me.

Well, what do we do?

I want to fix this, you know?

Dad, I put it on for pussy.

Yeah, he's on the line now.

Now, he's 11.

He can explain why he did this and what we're going to do.

That lady had pulled it out of her pussy.

He pulled it out of your vagina?

You guys are crazy, okay?

No, no, it was you.

Because you had big long pants on.

You're driving us crazy, you know.

Okay, that's okay.

Don't worry about it.

Do you have teeth?

Just tell him next time he shouldn't be stealing fish.

Because they're not going to make it by the time he gets home.

Well, next time, he's going to come in with a baseball bat next time.

Okay.

If he comes in, you tell me who he is.

I'll get a baseball bat and chase him out.

No, he's going to hit the glass with the baseball bat.

Why?

He's angry.

Why is he angry?

I got problems.

I'm bipolar.

Yeah, he's going to masturbate in front of everyone, too.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Have a good night, guys.

Do you know what is masturbate?

You know how that works, too?

Whatever the way.

He's like, oh.

Yeah.

She sounds Filipino.

You think so?

Yeah, she sounds a little Filipino.

I don't know.

Yeah, I could tell.

Where was that, in California?

That was California, so probably.

You know those people.

You know how they are, yeah.

I'm a little rusty in my prank call game.

I used to be able to do them pretty good, but I don't know, since I've gotten older.

Hey, don't worry.

I feel rusty tonight, too.

Best prank call here.

It happened because of Brad.

If it wasn't for Brad, we'd be fucked.

Another FedEx call?

No.

No, I'm just saying, if it wasn't for him, the best call...

Hang on, shit.

If it wasn't for him, that call at the beginning of the show wouldn't have happened.

That was great.

That made the show.

It's all been downhill ever since.

Oh, yeah.

Here's a golf club.

For Choosing Valley High Golf Club, this is Aaron speaking.

How may I assist you?

Hey, Aaron, that's a girl's name.

Hello?

Yes, sir?

That's a girl's name.

name uh aaron sir they're two different spellings oh okay uh okay yeah sure this is the golf golf

club right yes sir tea time reservation good um uh you're having a bachelor party for my bro he's

he's on the line too so we wanted to get like uh do you have anything on saturday morning saturday

the 13th in the morning how many how many golfers are in your party uh four men and two

uh how do you say two dancers you have six golfers all together yeah two of them are i mean do you

have a i mean they're going to be in bikinis we have unfortunately we have a dress code at the

course sir okay but it has to be collared shirts required mock neck shirts are acceptable for

women uh they're wearing shorts they must be bermuda length or longer i mean so they can't

have like the daisy dukes on like like you know like tied around like short shorts and cleavage

yeah and like sort of thing like a sports bra just a sports bra to show off their cleavage

no sir unfortunately not okay could they wear that under and then every once in a while maybe

they could like pull out their breasts hey i'm gonna disconnect this call no no no no sir there's

no need to please no no no come on please whatever whatever dude all right i'm gonna let you go i'm

gonna clear the line for maybe someone else before i take a break all right all right buddy brendan

all righty all right buddy i'm here thanks for calling in all right all right i'll talk to you

next week carly yeah see you later buddy i gotta get i gotta get like you know i gotta get with the

the show here man started out so promising 405-396-6884 will net you a spot on this show

brian says a brain brain brainwash brian wash says that i should smoke weed you're right for

that i would have to pack a bowl and for that i would have to take a break i'm gonna try one more

prank before i do that though let's try that right now hi that's him more yes okay i wanted to come

man i wanted to see the fish you have fish we do not okay uh they have lizards uh we do we have

some leopard geckos and some bearded dragons oh bearded dragons excellent that's what i'm

interested in uh how big do they get uh they require a 40 gallon tank for their whole life

okay and how much water they don't what do you mean water well you said a tank well it's a

terrarium okay it's not a water animal right but you said a tank i don't understand that's where

where they live it's a terrarium it's a it's a tank with but no water it's for desert animals

oh yeah because that's like the opposite right desert and then water you know that wouldn't make

any sense and what do they eat what do i feed them dogs they eat uh a bunch of different insects

and vegetation okay all right and um i mean at what point did they get big enough to they start

flying and all that you know why don't you just come down to the store um and you can come look

at the animals and you can ask questions look because i'd like to have like three of those

bearded dragons you know but i'm wondering like at what age they start flying around and shooting

fire out and all that you know it's not funny i don't have time for your you're not funny your

face is funny yo crow shit let me take a fucking break man i'm gonna go eat some carbs and uh get

some caffeine and do some smoke some drugs that'll be fun madhouse live.com is the website be sure to

check out all the links over there uh hold your calls for now because we're on break it's going

gonna be about a eight minute break when i come back we got more prank calls to do looking at

about another hour and a half after that after that so at least 90 more minutes a show and not

including the break so doing great guys doing great we'll pick it up what i need is help if

any of the united prank callers of the machine are out there and want to join in your dwight

mcclanahan's and such hit me up on skype so i can add you to the show listen to some kanye west

Oh, yeah.

We'll be right back, everyone.

I'll be right back.

I will be back.

When you die, put your GPS in your box or at the bottom.

So when you die, you open a tractor at the bottom.

You go straight down.

house radio is back you are bigger than a woman better than a woman we'll always be behind you do

not let a woman we'll always be behind you ever make you who you are no matter how hard you try

you can't stop us now everybody madhouse radio carlito here i have made it with me here is there

anyone on skype anyone on skype is the skype working matt hillock report did not hear matt

hillock do i even have the shit connected right oh my god it's a good question listen to some

rage against the machine folks while i make sure uh i do know that uh homer's in here and

davi cat making an appearance davi hasn't been on camera in a long time see him over on the

youtube now he's not happy because homer's about to get on the couch underneath them and these two

you're probably if you guys keep watching the camera you're probably going to see homer

getting smacked around by davi pretty soon another reason to watch the youtube feed let

me confirm audio is working correct matt hillock what is your status please okay audio is working

We're working on that machine machine.

What is your stand?

Jag, Jag, turn that shit down.

Hey, Jag, you there?

What's up, Kross?

Hey, man.

Let me hang up on that other line.

Yeah, it wouldn't add up for some reason.

Oh, no?

No, me and Matt were having the same problem.

I figured we were both drunk fucking everything up.

That would be Matt, for sure.

I'm joining him.

You do like to drink quite a bit, Mr. Karate Guy.

All right.

So...

I was trying to listen to your

voice message that you left for some reason

I left it

oh really you got a voice message

is that what happened

I don't know cause I wasn't able to

listen to the voice message how you doing buddy

oh okay I'm sorry you want to go back

and hear it I'll let you go

oh what do you think you said

it was me just saying you're not talking

why are you not talking motherfucker

oh

you're saying

I was saying, I know you can hear me now because you know about the message, so everything's

cool.

Yes, everything's great.

Everything's cool.

Everything's roses.

How y'all doing?

Everything's great.

Big Cross and Jag TV.

Yeah, that's us.

I added Buster Casey because he has a number he wants us to do, and I'm adding Dwight McClanahan

to see if he's around.

I figured I would try to call into the number you got there, but fuck, I got you on the

yeah i was trying to you still need to hang your pictures up too in the studio but yeah i'm lazy

you know lazy reekin you know yeah butter pecan reekin thanks for pointing that out buster casey

did you join hold on up the ass uh hi buster casey what happened now there's a crisis at the

pizza hut breaking news what happened yeah some friends of mine ordered pizza and they were like

an hour and a half late and they called back and i know this girl she's super nice to customer

her service people and the one gave her sass and and then she talked to the manager and the manager

gave her shit too and was like well we don't want your business and blah blah blah and i know this

chick's cool so i don't know why they were being bitchy i think they were just trying to blow off

customers and you sure she wasn't you sure they weren't talking to brad carter or something like

that right oh no this is separate okay numbers and the names and so you're saying he's known to

to do that shit you think you're calling someplace and all of a sudden you got brad clark fucking

with you ruining your life you know ruining your life ruining my life yeah send that number did

you send it it's good to have really heard from you in a while buster casey is good to know that

you're still okay i'll be around more yeah didn't ask him if he was okay first though so you don't

you're just i really don't care you haven't talked about the amputations yet so hopefully

you guys can hear telephone machines okay if not yes can you guys hear me okay i'm on my

what yeah i hear you you sound like you're a painting thank you i'm i'm way carlito why did

you not buy the jerky voice thing that i sent you on the ebay of the they're calling it a record

thing uh record soundtrack promo but it's really like the album cover of like two or three and

It's dope as fuck.

I just don't got nowhere to hang it, man.

Hello?

We're on hold.

Yeah, I recall that.

It's like $5.

You should get it, man.

It's just, you know, the...

I already have a Jerky Boys thing.

Hello?

Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.

Hi.

Hello.

Hi, I'd like to make an order.

For carryout?

Yeah, I was just talking to Sharon.

You're speaking to her.

Okay, all right.

Well, Joanna said that you were the one fat girl there

that I could talk to about this.

okay okay so you want to do a carry out okay what's your telephone number it's uh you want

to use 405-396-6884 okay what's the name horse what did you say your name was horse like the

animal okay would you like to order okay one pizza okay i need to know what type of crust

and what kind bread crust um hand tossed and or pan just i don't need any upgrades just crust

Okay, but we have three different types of crust.

Yeah?

Okay, we have the thin and crispy.

Very nice, honey.

Okay.

All right.

The pan crust and the hand toss.

You know the kind that's made out of flour that you bake?

Like bread?

That one.

Okay, that's still not telling me what type of crust.

All right, well, obviously, I don't want cauliflower crust.

I don't want, you know, coconut crust.

Nothing like that.

Okay, I need to know if you want thin and crispy, hand toss, or pan crust.

Do they really hand toss it?

Are you going to touch it if it's to get the hand toss?

Hello?

Okay, look, I'm not trying to be rude, but I'm in a lot of pain in my mouth.

Oh, yeah?

So I don't want to keep on repeating myself.

Is that from sucking dick, or did you get punched in the mouth for being a smart?

Okay, well, you know what?

You have a good night, okay?

No, you know what?

I just took a piss.

I would like to know who this is.

I don't want to tell you.

Let me talk to Joanna.

She told me to call you.

Okay, well, you know what?

You have a good night.

You're an asshole.

If you call up here again, I'll have the police at your house.

You ain't going to do shit.

have a good night bye-bye motherfucker i'm gonna call back yeah i just took a big piss like matt

fucking hillock are you gonna flush the toilet bro i mean come on hey dude and brad carter this

guy i just didn't want to be loud yeah but i like shared a room with you you didn't flush the toilet

twice three times i saw you shut up brad i was talking to shut up no you set up motherfucker

fuck are you hanging up the phone i'll hang it up for you oh shit thank you hi give me a favor

don't call here again you already said that once and i did it anyway what do you think is going to

happen now stupid face do you a favor right hang on disconnecting can i order a pizza yeah it's

your turn it's your turn yeah yeah it's funny because what's her name her name joe's joanna

Anna? Sharon. Sharon?

Sharon Berries. Call her Sharon.

Dude, look at that jerky boys thing.

Look at how cool that is.

It's like a misprint. Yeah, look on his

camera phone. No, I put it

in the chat, buddy.

Hello?

Hello? I want to order some pizza pie.

Hello? Hello?

Is this a big fat share?

Ah. Hello?

It's alright. No, no. She knows the number.

She saw the number on the caller ID.

She figured it out. Hey, would you

you like to put the number in chat and then i can call it and it'll come from mine i believe

yeah party time would it we could try yeah we can't i think it can because um because on party

time people were calling shit and zax was saying it just goes to theirs is that it bitchy oh it's

three times all right my bad no no worries

hello yeah see i'm dialing it it's able to dial so it's i think it goes on my skype then but i'm

not sure i still haven't quite figured this out and it's going to change the first right

i'm gonna have to start using the new skype too yeah november 1st hello hello i'm calling to try

to make an order hello hello hello hello hello thank you it showed that it was somebody picked

up someone picked up and i think they heard multiples and they're like oh my god i'm a

fucking you know toothpick or snowflake whatever it is uh they uh they're hacking us dude i got

i got that i don't know if you saw it brad but i got a shirt like the fuck you from texas

but it says hack you were from china i like it fucking super yellow hey hey hey sugar tits i

just want to order some fucking pizza pie what i just want to order a pizza pie no you're not

ordering nothing from me fuck you do your job we don't give you permission to get mad

how about we call some planet fit nice that we received from mr brad carter let's save the

Now, who had a beef with this place?

It was me.

Thanks for calling, guys.

Hey, you don't have to super chat for that, man.

You're good people.

You're friends.

You're an ally.

I appreciate it.

It was one person.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, Jack, why didn't you flush the toilet?

What happened?

You were trying to explain.

I put it on mute so y'all couldn't hear.

I didn't want to be interrupted.

I'm pretty fucking drunk right now, so I don't want to be a fuck, you know what I mean?

What was her name?

Susie?

Sharon.

F-U-C-K?

Sharon, Sharon, Sharon.

sharing sharing hey carlito hey i'm limited right now hey i'm limited right now how can i get you

numbers if i don't have skype on the machine can i send it on facebook uh facebook works yeah yeah

it should ding me on facebook yeah all right that should work oh yeah i'm down south i'm not at the

machine studio right now i'm down south in the in the ghetto and the boonies oh wow so i don't

i don't have all my shit yeah be careful there down south i do have beer shot down there yeah

Yeah. She gets shot down there.

Not south of

Chicago. No.

South of Ohio. South of anywhere.

White trash, so I fit in.

Cool. So you're going to tell

them it's way past your bedtime pretty soon.

Probably.

You're still upset about that.

Oh, yikes.

You're complaining about a toilet

being unflushed. Really?

Alright, Brad, are we going to

call for the corporate office from

Planet Fitness? Or mom's

and went to sleep yeah all right let me get their number for the caller id and then we'll go from

there yeah i think i'm gonna cut out it's been super fun and i will keep listening though i don't

want to so matt what's up what's up what's up waking up what's up waking up early on the wrong

day for when you're just not uh it's actually tomorrow so yeah but i just stayed up so it was

was a good day well it was good that you actually had a morning smoothie during the morning i was

almost pretty early for that then i remembered oh yeah you woke up early yeah you're like well

might as well make a smoothie while i'm up you know right fuck yeah man do some exercise make

a smoothie hell yeah it's good man i mean like i say i feel like i won the lottery if i didn't

have a debilitating neurological disease right yeah do you think maybe you're diabetic and that's

That's why you've lost the weight since you're...

I don't know.

You're looking good.

I've been exercising for a couple hours every morning.

When people first get diabetes, they can drop a lot of weight.

And it's because their bodies haven't adjusted to not getting the fuel from the carbs yet.

Like I dropped a ton of weight when I first became diabetes.

Oh, you're saying you think I'm diabetes?

Well, that's something to look at.

Taste your pee.

Taste your pee and see if it's sweet or not.

okay i'll be more than i'll taste your pee i don't i don't think that all right cheers guys

love y'all yeah all right we can't talk for the corporate office guys come on we gotta you know

yeah come on come on matt was saying goodbye you don't say goodbye during the corporate wait so

matt left really he's yeah he's i don't know why he said he was leaving he's going to bed early

well what a fucking square you know i wonder why maybe because i said that about diabetes i hope

Nope, not.

Hey, let's bitch about not going to bed too early for the next three hours.

Yeah.

Yes!

For the next three weeks, you mean.

Look at the squares.

Thank you for calling Planet Fitness.

This is Alex, and may I help you?

Hello, this is Kevin from the corporate office with Planet Fitness.

Hi, how are you?

Pretty good.

Hey, were you having problems with the computer machine there and the lunk alarm networking?

It seems like we're not receiving any messages on our end over here.

No, we haven't had any issues with that.

Oh, okay. Has the LUNC alarm even been working today? Because it usually shows us whenever it's been pressed.

Sorry, say that again?

Is the LUNC alarm working there? Because we're usually able to see whenever it's activated on this end, but we haven't seen, like the computer doesn't seem to be sending any information over from your location tonight.

Okay. Well, we actually set it off today.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that didn't come through to the computer.

I think we're just going to have to do a quick reset.

Do you have the switch on the wall, or is it a button at your location?

It's a switch.

A switch.

Okay, great.

That'll make it easier.

We just need you to turn that on, and I'm going to watch the computer from this end,

and it'll be about maybe 60 seconds.

I'll just wait for it to get to 100%.

You said leave it on for 60 seconds?

Yeah, well, it'll probably be a little bit more than 60 seconds,

because it's got to synchronize and everything,

and then as soon as it synchronizes, I'll be able to see where it is.

Give me one moment.

sorry about that i'm meeting right now i'm gonna get on my computer i don't think it's

totally not obvious music is this i haven't heard this one before hey real quick i want to hope

everyone's having a good show listening to a good show having a good time listening to the show that's

what i meant to say and thank you i'm having a good show good good good a better show than yours

correct oh they got ordered to hang up i think i think that's what happened

don't worry brad's fault brad sent plenty of them here he sent plenty of them here we go here is

the next one all right thanks for calling guys

hi this is cross i'm calling from the planet fitness corporate office in connecticut how are

you tonight i'm doing good how are you i'm good thank you very much we're calling to follow up

on an it ticket that we had here that was submitted regarding your bunk alarm yeah yeah

yeah what's so funny would you mind if i put you on a hold sure something's up brad you've been

doing these lately haven't you i think i think there's a new memo out have you heard this

hold me yeah this is another over here some really cool you know all you hold music nerds

out there having nerdgasms too this is what um uh christian bookstores this is what they

is it yeah i probably called this eight maybe that's why they know you oh that's okay i'll

start from the end of the list i'm gonna hang up this is pointless because she laughed she's like

they're putting us on hold to hang up on us and that's not how this show goes there we go we're

going for the bottom up let's do this maybe we should skip lunk alarm or just do a survey

okay let's try that and then shoot for lunk alarm and then call the fake lawyer yeah oh yeah

Thanks for calling Planet Fitness.

This is Cindy.

How may I help you?

Hello, this is Roy from the corporate office with Planet Fitness.

Hi.

I'm calling to do the weekly customer survey.

Do you have a customer in there I could just do a quick survey with?

Yeah.

Just take about a minute.

Okay.

Just one second.

Let me inform her of what she's going to do, okay?

Okay.

Thank you very much.

I don't know what to do.

Hmm.

I can do it.

Hello.

Hi, is this a customer?

Yes.

Great.

I'm going to put the Carlito machine on the phone, and he's going to do a quick survey with you.

It'll take maybe not even a minute.

Okay.

Great.

Click, click.

Okay.

Hi, thank you.

This is Cross.

I'm the head of marketing for the night shift here.

The corporate office, we're headquartered in Connecticut.

Thank you very much for taking the time to take the survey.

Are you currently a Black Card member?

No.

Just regular.

Just regular? Okay. You'll be entitled to two months of free black card upgrade for completing this survey.

It's a five-question survey, and it's completely anonymous.

You don't have to give me any of your identifying information, okay?

Okay.

All right. Question number one. Can I please have your age?

21.

21. Delicious. Okay. All right.

How often in a week do you visit this location?

Five times a week.

Do you visit any other locations using your membership?

No, just the one in Federal Way.

Okay.

Do you use any of our circuit training, or do you stick to cardio,

or what exactly does your workout entail of normally, primarily?

I kind of do all of the above.

Okay.

Do you have any suggestions for improvement?

No.

Okay.

You seem to be happy with the situation here.

Good.

So I can skip this question, and I can skip this one.

All right.

Can I have you rate the cleanliness of the women's restroom

room and locker room on a scale of one to ten one being the worst ten being the cleanest a ten it's

a ten okay all right uh but how often do you use the shower facilities here um a week i actually

don't does not use dirty girl okay is there any particular reason why you do not it doesn't have

a reputation wait sorry did you say the shower or the bathroom uh the shower facilities oh no i just

don't i just shower at home just showers at home okay have you used any of our extra um

anemones that we have for some of our members are you familiar with them um no i just stick

to the basics on what's out okay all right have you tried the oral sex room the who the oral sex

room the oral oral what oral sex room no i don't use the oral sex room okay it doesn't uh have

back on hold what happened she put me on hold i gotta put it on hold she said it out loud and i

think the uh the girl heard it and put it on what no i got hung up oh she said it out loud which

means the uh the gym lady can't get to hit the oral sex world sex though that's pretty funny

the oral what geez all right we got a different one here all right i think i'm back you guys can

Can you hear me okay?

Jack TV, we hear you okay.

All right, Orsi.

Seriously, is Matt okay?

Why did he leave us?

Thanks for calling.

This is Paris.

How can I help you?

Hi, what was your name?

Paris?

Yes.

Oh, hey, Paris.

Beautiful name.

Hi.

Hi, my name is Cross.

I'm with the corporate office in Connecticut.

How are you doing tonight?

Good.

How are you?

I'm good.

I'm looking to see if you have a black card member who would be willing to take a five-question

survey for three months off of their black card membership.

Sure.

Okay.

Just one moment.

Thank you.

I think it's out

I think it's

making the rounds again

not to take these calls anymore

yeah but Matt's all good

I heard what he said

he said he had to go do something

it wasn't because of what anyone said

I'm paranoid

I'm Jag TV

Hi, Todd. My name is Cross. I'm calling from the corporate office in Connecticut. How are you tonight?

Pretty good. Thank you very much, sir.

Calling to see if we have any Black Card members who might be willing to take a five-question survey for two months off of their Black Card membership.

I'd rather work around the club and ask if you're a Black Card member.

Well, even if they're not, they'll get a two-month upgrade to Black Card membership.

So basically any of the members, they complete a quick five-minute, five-question survey,

be out of their way, and they'll get a coupon code in order to redeem for membership.

Either they'll get their existing Black Card membership for free,

or they'll get a free upgrade to Black Card membership for three months.

Huh.

Yeah, can I call you back or give them a number to call back on?

I'm just between, like, six people at the desk right now.

Oh, I mean, can you just hand it to one of them?

No, there's a couple of people canceling.

They're canceling?

Well, put them on.

I can help out.

You can help out?

Yeah, just tell me.

No, I'm at the corporate office.

We can make this work.

We can do an exit survey.

This is great timing.

Easy.

It crapped out, man.

Yeah, it didn't start.

Hello?

Yes, sir.

You said you had a survey for me.

Yes, this is the...

Are you canceling your membership?

No.

No?

Okay.

Well, my name is Cross.

I'm with the corporate office in Planet Fitness.

Don't know if you're aware, but we're headquartered in Connecticut.

Thank you very much for taking the time.

Are you currently a black card member or not?

Yes.

You are?

Okay.

You will receive two months of free black card membership for completing this survey.

And at the end of it, I will be providing the associate who handed you the phone the code to enter in on your account so that that goes through.

You won't be billed for the next two months.

Nice.

All right.

Okay.

All right.

Question number one.

Can I please have your age?

36.

Okay.

How often a week do you visit this location?

four to five four to five times a week four to five okay um do you use any of the circuit

training uh set up there or do you stick to cardio yeah i use the uh the little yellow area

um usually like two to three machines two to three machines at a at a time

the circuit yellow area great okay uh how often do you use the restroom and or locker facilities

at this location weekly five days i'd say maybe like three times have you ever taken a shower

here yeah yeah okay yes good all right um how did you find the cleanliness of the shower one to ten

one being least clean ten being super clean oh like like a seven or eight for sure yeah and that's

only that's only because you know i mean you can't clean between everybody you know okay all right

have you have any trouble seeing uh like have any men propositioned you for like sexual favors and

things like that uh not yet we have a problem at this location just to let you know we're trying

trying to track that down oh okay okay have you noticed any condoms in the water on the floor

any semen stains anywhere oh no nothing like that good no come i guess i don't use it that often

once in a while before work yeah it's apparently it's a problem like a lot of homosexual men and

we don't have a discrimination policy here we're in no judgment zone but i guess they like to

consider that area a place to like kind of what they call cruise i guess is what the term is

cool man i guess i should brush up on my craigslist terminology i guess so have you used

have you used the tanning beds or the red light therapy room yes yeah actually i was just coming

out of there yeah okay that's basically why i stick with planet fitness because it's uh

because of the uh tanning tanning okay yeah all right have you masturbated in it on the tanning

bed oh no okay would you consider if we started massage therapy services here would i consider it

Oh, yeah, for sure.

Like as part of the black card membership?

Yes.

Oh, definitely.

Okay, so we're looking at introducing,

we're going to eliminate half the tanning bedrooms,

and in those we'll have massage therapists

so you can get 15-minute massage therapy sessions.

Okay.

For this location, I would recommend possibly updating the tanning beds

because, like, the one I just went into right now,

I just kind of crapped out before I could even get a tan.

Okay, all right.

I've got that.

That needs to be dated.

Fat man.

Okay.

All right.

Would you have a preference of female or male massage therapist?

Oh, as a man, for sure a female.

Okay.

No sexual connotations there.

Well, that's fine if you do.

I mean, that's between, basically it's a contract between you and her.

So what you do is you're going to, you would have to disrobe completely,

and you would have a towel over you, and you would lay face down on the bed.

Okay.

and then the massage therapist would work on your back, your legs, your buttocks,

and then there would be a time where you would flip over,

she or he would ask you to flip,

and then at that point you would be able to negotiate any extra services.

Is this for real?

Yes, yeah.

I mean, this is where we're going with this.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

This can't be for real, man.

Yeah, so what we're looking at is $20.

Hand release is $20.

Oral sex with condom only is $40.

This is hilarious.

This is not for real, right?

Face sitting would be $40.

Do you agree with me?

Oh, gosh, that's hilarious.

Okay, all right.

Are there a lot of black people here at this place?

Sure, yeah, yeah.

We're definitely...

Okay, if we drilled holes in between the partitions in the bathrooms,

would you stick your penis in it yeah it's a glory hole foundation uh yeah i'm not into all

that man okay what if we had what if we had a co-ed bathroom or it could be a woman it might

not you never know it may or may not be a woman on the other side of the hole hello yeah yeah go

ahead okay i'm gonna put my supervisor mr jag on the phone hello they hung up they hung up me

you enjoyed it glory holes can i try one sure sure you will you will try the next one here

all right let's try don't fuck this up jag yeah i probably will there's a lot riding on this jag

yes you're never coming back on the show again if you fuck it up washington post is

the washington reports is washington post is reporting that turkish officials have told the

u.s that they have video and audio proof that the uh that one guy was murdered at the saudi

embassy they have the proof the the the turkish the turks the honorable turks

they killed that fucking journalist shit thank you for calling planet fitness this is mark

speaking how can i help you hi yes i was uh trying to transfer my associate over to you

we're calling from the corporate office for a customer survey oh okie dokie and i think that

That person may have gotten disconnected on accident, and I apologize.

And I may be able to reconnect them here.

Hello, Mr. Okie-dokie?

What happened?

Mr. Jagathe, are you there?

No, this is Mark.

You're calling Planet Fitness at the moment.

Yes, I'm calling from the corporate office in Connecticut.

We had our...

Oh, okay.

We had a line of some of our marketing people on the line, and it got disconnected,

but I'm hoping they're reconnecting.

Jagathe, are you there?

What happened?

Yes, I'm here.

Sorry about that.

That was my fault.

Mark, are you still there?

Yes, I'm still here.

How's it going? My name is Rob Jag.

I'm here to do a quick corporate survey to a Black Card membership

just to get a quick feedback from our store, try to help us out.

We can give them a month free. It helps us out so much more.

Oh, okie dokie. So do you need a member to talk with?

Yes, Mark, if you don't mind getting one for me.

Oh, okie dokie. Just one moment.

Jack, can you find a black card member really quick for a survey?

No, I mean actually go grab a black card member for corporate.

They're doing a survey over the phone.

I'm sorry.

Did you say you were disconnected because nobody was actually on the phone with us earlier?

Oh, no, our conference call because I'm in Connecticut right now

and the others are in our Hawaii branch.

We were disconnected from our phone.

It was nothing to do with you.

All righty.

all righty um we do have a member right here if you would like to speak with her yep no problem

thank you mark uh-huh all righty this is our corporate office they want to do a survey

hello hi there how are you doing i'm uh from the corporate office uh what is your first name

bobby bobby how are you doing tonight very well excellent uh you actually i know he said that

this was a survey you're actually our millionth customer in this location bobby oh yeah and we

You see the little security camera up above there by the desk?

Yes.

We actually have you up here in the corporate office.

We're all gathered around to celebrate.

We wanted to give you special benefits as our millieth customer,

unlimited access to our black card membership for free if you do something for us.

Okay.

How does that sound?

What is this something?

All you have to do, you know about our lunk alarm, right?

Our lunk alarm on this facility?

Yes.

All you have to do is go behind the counter and push the Lunk Alarm button for as long as you can so we can record it for our commercial.

And then you can get unlimited Black Car membership at this location.

Okay.

Our guys already know about it.

All you have to do is go behind the counter and push the button.

They already know what's going on.

They just didn't want everyone to freak out that you are our millionth customer.

Okay.

So go ahead and set the phone down and go ahead and run over there and press the button so we can hear it for us.

and then we'll set off the celebration here at the corporate office.

Okay, hold on.

All righty.

Fingers, vagina.

Oh, okie dokie.

Our member's going over to do that right now.

All righty.

Let's make sure we hear it.

Can you hear it?

Yep, we can hear it.

Make sure it goes as long as we can and go ahead and put her back on the phone.

Okie dokie.

All righty.

Hello?

Bobby, go ahead and scream for us.

I am the one millionth customer!

I'm the one millionth customer!

Oh, come on, Bobby.

You're about to get free black card membership for life.

A little bit louder for us here.

Okay.

Come on, one more time.

One more time.

Yell as loud as you can.

I'm the one number.

Hell yeah.

Now, scream.

I want to get fucked in the pussy.

Bobby.

Bobby?

Hello?

Hey, how's it going?

Pretty well.

Excellent.

Why didn't she hand the phone back to you?

I wasn't done yet.

Oh, he said he wasn't finished yet.

I'm going to finish inside of her, you know?

Okie dokie.

What all did you need from her still?

Okie dokie.

Yeah, I just wanted to get a few more clips here from the corporate.

We're recording right now on our screen.

This is actually really exciting.

If we could get one more clip from her.

Another what?

I'm sorry?

Another clip.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, she's our one millionth customer, so we're a little bit excited here at the corporate office.

We're all gathered around the pay phone.

Just put her on the phone one more time if you don't mind.

All righty.

Apparently it does have some more questions for you.

She just asked what more would she have to do?

We need to get her to say, I'm the one millionth customer, and then that's all we need from her.

I'm sorry, a what?

She's the one millionth customer.

All we need to get from her is just one more soundbite.

I'm sorry, it's just very hard to hear you.

One more what?

Yeah, my shit's messed up.

One more soundbite from her to scream, like, I'm the one millionth customer.

Just put her on the phone real quick.

I'm sorry, what was that?

Can you hear me okay?

Um, a little bit.

You are getting very fuzzy whenever...

Yeah, my internet's a piece of fucking shit.

We need to get one more soundbite from her.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

We just need one more soundbite from you.

For the commercial.

Yeah.

Would another member suffice?

Yes.

Yeah, no problem.

Cross, can you guys hear me a little better?

Yes.

We can...

Okay, yeah.

Okay, Mark, I appreciate it, but sorry about that.

So you just need them to say that they're the one millionth customer, or?

Yeah, well, I need them on the phone, though, so I can explain to them.

Okie dokie.

Hello?

Hi there, is this Bobby, or is this a new customer?

Okay.

Okay, that was a good answer to the question.

You're our one millionth customer, how do you feel?

We're going to give you free black card membership for the year.

A free black card membership for the year?

Yeah, all you have to do is scream like, yeah, I'm the one millionth customer, because we're recording this for the commercial.

Hello?

I'm sorry, she just handed the phone back to me.

Oh, is there another one?

Because all we need to do is to yell that they're the one millionth customer.

You know what we can do, sir?

Just to wrap this up for Bobby, the original one,

if we can just get you saying really loud and excited for the commercial,

just say, congratulations, you're the one millionth customer.

Yeah.

Congratulations, you're the one millionth customer.

And then now say, we're going to fuck you in the ass.

I'm not going to say that.

Come on.

We're going to fuck you.

We're going to make you airtight.

Say that.

God damn the internet, man.

That could have been a good call if I wasn't cutting out.

Yeah, I don't know.

It might be me.

It might be you.

You know, I don't know.

It could be many things.

You know, there's people on both sides, on both sides.

That's right.

I mean, did they get the main idea, though, on that before I started fucking up?

Yeah, yeah.

I want to get fucked in the pussy.

scene i want to get fucked in the pasta she's like what she didn't she didn't know what to say

to that yeah all right all right another one another one yeah i don't think we've done this

one yet oh did you get my number on facebook cross oh yeah you did you said you want me to

be perverted to your friend what a great friend you are i'm a terrible friend i gotta piss hello

yes hi planet fitness hello yes sir how you doing good how about yourself i'm not too good i left

left something there oh no okay what are you uh what are you looking for a feces i'm sorry a feces

what is that a feces i think i left it in the locker room oh i get it okay cool yeah what color

is it uh brown yeah okay i got you do do brown right on right yeah there you go you're a filthy

woman that is so cool yeah and you have a girl's name by the way yeah cool thank you all right can

Can I talk to a black card member, please?

I'm with the corporate office.

I hope you have a good one now.

I command you to put a black card member on.

That was a waste.

What the fuck?

I enjoyed it.

That was a prank of Jim Stewart's he did once.

And I heard it today, and I thought I'd just emulate it.

There you go, a little emulation.

Let's get the Jags number here before he has a heart attack.

Nah, he won't.

All right.

So this is where you like to drink the beers.

I'm Jags.

Oh, sorry.

I flushed the toilet that time.

what did you try to order in chicago that first night that they ended up giving us

sprite and vodka or something it was you're trying to order a cherry bomb right yeah cherry

bomb which i had drank like four of them tonight at the property so thank you for calling roosters

at 1500-431-47 our hours of operation are monday through thursday from 11 a.m to 12 15 a.m

okay sorry sorry i'll cut it out of the uh the replay but shit oops it's fine if you want a

prank where jack tv hangs out become a patreon subscriber hello hello yes hi how you doing

it's katie there good heart is who katie katie who katie bby this is pickerington roosters

yeah well i'm looking for katie what who pick katie who i'm sorry i don't know katie her name's

katie she works there she works there we have a we have a couple katies he works there the hot one

yeah we have a couple katies over here the sexy one not the fat girl not the fat katie the good

looking one what about abby okay i'm not really sure who this is but they don't work here anymore

okay abby abby they don't work here anymore oh she lied she lied damn it man wow is it like a

a place where they always know your name when you go in there like hey jack nah no it's like 20

minutes from my house i go up there every once in a while for work damn dude you drive 20 minutes

to get drunk hell yeah and you drive drunk and all that oh of course it's not like a ruse because

everyone heard place it was thank you for calling over planet venice this is emily how may i help

you hey big emily how you doing good how may i help you good uh when is pizza so it's the first

monday of the month um are you a member of planet well i want to well i'm just trying to make an

economic decision how much is it to become a member the minimum okay i heard five dollars

i heard five dollars down ten dollars a month or something yeah um so to um we have two different

membership offers um but um how did you actually hear about us on the tv i saw the halloween

commercial oh yeah the woman's head turns around and she's did she drink she drinks the water but

yeah there's a lot of them they're funny oh okay she and then she she was like she uh how do i say

she tilted her head back you know yeah and then she acted like she had a salt shaker in her mouth

and she was shaking the salt into her onto her tongue oh dang that's that's a crazy one yeah

Yeah, and she was like, mm-mm, this is what I do here.

That's what she said.

And like a lunk alarm went off.

It was like, ooh.

They're like, you can't do that here.

You can't be sexual.

It's sad.

Okay, so currently we have two different membership offers.

Stupid.

Our first membership is just $10 a month.

Right.

Built monthly through a checking account.

And there's only $5 to start up.

This membership has no commitment and can be canceled anytime for free.

The second membership is the Black Card membership.

Shut up!

Right now, it's only $21.99 a month.

Okay, honey, baby.

You can get it through a checking account and it's $0 to sign up.

That's nice.

That's nice, honey.

Can I ask you about the tanning room?

All right, can I bring broads in there and fuck them?

No, no, no, no.

Jesus.

He's annoying me.

I have an update on Matt.

Breaking news on Matt.

Yes, go ahead, please.

What's he doing?

um he wasn't mad at all of us he his mom told him to keep it down she said shut the fuck up matt

and he had to oblige but he wasn't really being that loud not really man matt's gotta move out

man all right i sent another a better number in chat okay let's do it let's do it well matt we're

sorry it's our fault that that happened matt i apologize i apologize shit hey everyone i want

want to remind you there is a madhouse radio subreddit and it's getting some traction but if

you are a redditor be sure to look for madhouse radio there i have a subreddit i post here and

there i post like like my deep thoughts on every episode like i'll post episode and i'll say i

don't like this episode because the phone rang too much and i don't think the phone calls are

that funny except for this one and i you know and people you know i'm like i'm real i'm real on

there it's real carlito real time over there yeah reddit.com uh sponsors of the last half hour mad

house radio tonight let's hear it for reddit yeah yeah yeah i like

this episode because Jag and Brad fucked it up.

Yeah.

Did you send me a new number?

Fuck.

What happened?

I'm looking on Facebook.

I put it in the...

Oh, I can put it on Facebook.

I put it in the machine.

Now you have it on the machine.

Okay.

All right.

Let me get it.

I had to install it.

I got it.

Fuck yeah.

Do you think...

Brad, what do you think Microsoft's going to do on the 1st of November?

Do you think they're really going to stick to their guns?

It seems like they're going to this time.

What's happening on the 1st of November?

They kill old Skype for new Skype.

Apparently, finally, they've been putting it off

because they had a hard date like a month ago

and everyone complained like crazy

because the shit was half broken and missing features.

So, haven't tried it.

I thought they said indefinitely.

I don't know.

But now they're saying.

I thought they said.

They're pretty sure.

Yeah, they're pretty sure it's the first system.

They said, we did, we fixed everything that everyone talked about.

I don't know, dude, the fucking shit sucks.

Like, you tell them not to make certain noises, and it still fucking makes them.

The conferencing doesn't work.

Yeah, I hate the new one.

Fuck, I hate the old one, too.

I hope they said, um, turn off the new Skype, no, fuck that, turn it off.

I hope they said that.

We need something new.

Thank you for calling Roosters at 1500 Stone Creek Drive, Pickerington, Ohio.

Ah, shit, sorry.

Our hours of operation are Monday through Thursday from 11 a.m. to 12.15 a.m., Friday from 11 a.m.

What do I hit?

One?

One.

And Sunday from 11 a.m. to 11.15 p.m.

To place a carryout order for pickup, please press...

Ask for Gianna this time.

Gianna.

I put the wrong number like a fucking drunk.

So is this the right number you're putting in there?

Yeah.

Sorry about that.

I'm fucking gay.

Hi, Green Kitter.

Hello.

Gianna?

Hello.

Gianna?

Is Gianna there?

you have the wrong number don't start that again let me talk to this girl you're talking about

fucking slut bitch why are you getting in the way of my pussy all right so i'll call that number

now this is a different place we're calling now right all right it's all right yeah i'm sorry

i'm gay i'm gay it's all right i asked for big fat bella bella or gianna now bella bella yeah

you speak to big fat bella i'm sorry karaoke that big girl bella the big girl she's doing karaoke

yeah who's calling my name's cross okay hold on a second fucking white people yeah

hey big bella how you doing big belly bella hey this is cross i'm a big fan of the karaoke there

okay are you coming in well you need to turn that shit down this is cross i'm a fan and i

wanted to do some karaoke but you need to turn that shit down okay buddy i don't know who you

are but call up here hey can i ask if you have a certain song for the karaoke big big belly bella

you know that's the thing if your name is bella yeah yeah big belly big bella calling back oh

yeah talk shit about her piper hey big coach how you doing is that bella no this is robin why does

she hang up on me big belly bella well why are you calling her that well we're friends we're

friends she just doesn't know who i am i was just joking well but if you're friends and you know

No women at all.

You know, that's not a nice thing to say.

Well, she's got a big belly.

I mean, it doesn't stop me now.

And I eat her pussy all the time.

It's true.

She's got dyke hair, too.

Her hair's short as fuck.

It's dyke.

There's some good pussy underneath all that fat.

I'll tell you what.

You're a fucking dick.

I'm being real.

I'm mean.

Is she big?

Is she a big girl for real?

She's a little bit big, yeah.

She's got dyke haircut.

She's a little big, yeah.

A little big.

Big belly.

Do you need more numbers?

Are you guys good?

I got a few more.

uh yeah yeah give us if you have inside scoops i'll keep talking with them sure

i got the inside scoop oh yeah right you can take one if you want okay oh yeah i forgot callers if

you want to join talk to brad carlito and jag 405-396-6884 no one wants to talk to brad

people were calling and i wasn't looking at me either i apologize if you were calling and i

wasn't answering i wasn't paying attention my bad i got voicemail i gotta grab another i gotta

Oh, that's exactly what you need, yep.

Oh, shit.

Obi was saying it's time to call Joey Guns.

He sent a super chat.

He said about time to call Joey Guns.

Let's do that.

How long has it been?

Like two months?

It's been at least a month.

Let's see here.

At least a month?

Yeah, at least a month.

It's a beer.

What's that place called?

Uh-huh, I got it.

I got it saved.

Thank you, Google.

You're welcome.

Yeah, hey.

You looking for Joey?

Who's this?

It's Cross.

Long place.

Yeah, Cross.

We're looking for Bella.

You called the wrong place, Cross.

Oh, it's Bella there?

We're looking for Bella.

Bella?

Yeah, I know one thing, mother.

Come over here and you'll get it.

I'll tell you that.

Hey, don't star shit,

because I know Joey Guns.

He'll go over there and kick your ass.

Hey.

Is this Ed?

Motherfucker, you?

Come over right now.

Yeah, I'll make you eat my fucking shoes.

Eat them.

Yeah, you're going to eat them, motherfucker.

Come on.

Hey, is this Ed?

Come on.

Is this Big Fat Ed?

Yo.

Yeah, what's up, Ed?

You'll find out who it is.

Come over here.

Hey, Ed?

You got us there.

This is Pussy Ed.

Ed's such a dick for money, man.

Bring it.

I got my mind waiting for you, bitch.

Ed's a motherfucker.

Do you know where I'm at, motherfucker?

Okay.

I called the wrong place.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, that was coaches again.

Is Ed a scary guy?

Will he kill you?

No, Ed's a pussy.

Ed's a pussy.

He doesn't got a nine.

What the hell?

We know all these people.

He's got a nine.

Nine's like a BB gun.

You get shot with that, you just brush it right off.

It's no big deal.

Yeah, you're fine.

You'll be fine.

Just like, ow.

Stop.

Yeah, come on.

oh that's irritating you have reached the time warner cable phone customer this mailbox is not

currently accepting messages because oh what happened did it oh wait is it it's it stopped

copying the numbers hang on here we go my bad this happens sometimes yeah i need to speak with

joey what was that joey joey who's sir joey guns the bouncer all right down here can i help you

Sorry, is this Jim?

I'm sorry, what was that?

He had me coming in to do some work over there, and his ass isn't picking up the phone.

What's going on?

Hold on, sorry, you've reached the manager.

How can I help you?

Well, I'm supposed to talk to Joey.

He had an arrangement with me to come up there to the bathroom and do some work.

Up to the bathroom?

Yeah, to do some work.

Don't argue.

Put Joey on, idiot.

We're the fucking contractors.

I don't know if the manager's picking up.

I'll call back.

Joey's going to get in trouble.

what the fuck you calling here talking to my manager thank you for calling beer authority

this is rebecca how can i help you yeah rebecca i'm calling joey back um just give me one second

sorry thank you honey she's the same one from always that always gets them i think

and here we are waiting on big joey the gun machine yeah we reached the private bowling

room yeah there's that machine again by brendan sending another number thank you brendan thanks

I get a few more calls in here

and then we're going to have to play voicemail.

And then that's the show.

It's not like you've been on for

three and a half hours.

Brad, if we move the show,

this California meetup, to like later,

not March. If we did maybe like

June or something, could you still make it?

Please. Oh yeah, I'm sure I could.

It's not that far. It's like eight hours for me.

Well, we got to convince Matt and Zach

to fucking slow their roll on it and pump their brakes.

We need time.

Or we could just wait and do Chicago again.

i don't think i can do california in six months but i'll be in illinois in six in in nino next

summer again well we'll do that but i want west coast man see my fuck california we need to go

to california to see milk everyone's real excited about california yeah waiting on joy here he's

probably getting a talking to from his boss joey this is the last straw we're gonna have to let you

You keep getting fucking people in here starting shit.

The funny thing is, Joey was cool as fuck when I had him in New York.

Ah, he hung up.

He knows.

God.

Fucking Joey.

It's still, it's been a month.

How does he remember that shit?

Yeah.

I don't know.

Fucking guy.

All right, what's this last number you sent here?

What's this?

What's this shit?

It's some bowling alley where some hot shit gets in.

Is it really a bowling alley?

Is it really?

Nice.

Yeah.

You don't bowl, do you?

Do you do bowling, too?

hell yeah i got like a 180 average you said ask for canna or taylor yes her name is really

canna like cannabis that's kind of cute comma yeah her parents stoners she's got a big ass

that's information you might use she has a big ass her parents are stoners and she's

thank you for calling rule three we are yeah exactly 11 a.m i think it's one

all right with the rule three representative please yep well three this is sean how may i

to help you. Hey, Sean, is

Kana there? Kana, the girl with the big

butt? No. Yay!

What did he say?

He said, that's all he said.

Well, that's for the other girl.

Sean's a pussy. Yeah, Sean's a little

pussy. He lights things

on fire. Thank you for calling rule three.

We are open. Sean lights

tree houses on fire and shit.

Kids in it? Yeah.

Oh, I'm right up.

Screw that up.

It's called Brennan's number here.

uh polly's pub and grill in illinois if it's polly asked to ask for polly or ask for crystal

okay so this is about right about what you've been doing this is coming from someone else there

brad you want to try it i mean i don't know what you say i'm gonna say hey i can't hear you because

there's a bunch of bar noise in the background pretty much probably that's what happens most

of the time when you call a bar city isn't it aurora illinois i can't say that right

Aurora?

Pleasure to have been on this show, Carlito.

Hey, thanks, man.

Thanks.

It's been great having the both of you.

And everyone else who joined in, even Angry Matt Hillock.

Yeah, I'm trying to make it the white show, but it's on Saturday.

I'm always out drinking Saturday.

I'm an alcoholic.

You got to stop that, man.

You're going to die.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, James.

All right, this ain't going down.

How about the fake lawyer?

Yes, that's right.

The lawyer from before.

Good idea.

You did say we had to call that back to see if he plays around now.

He probably really is a lawyer.

i've noticed a lot of people on that list are lawyers they're all running for office right now

all right hang on let me change it i've noticed i've been calling people from

planet fitness corporate headquarters here this whole time for quite some time now let me change

that that's funny when i see if he's incredulous about it what should we say should we say that

you left you left the package it's there at that stop sign let's just come clean and say

oh let's say we're a neighbor of his and we're just fucking with them okay yeah i think you

You should leave with this.

Fred, leave with this.

Just apologize.

I got to find that number, though.

It's in...

I got to...

It's in...

I found it.

Chris, right?

Yep.

You said you were about done with the show, probably?

Just about.

Yep.

This guy's probably spent all evening trying to, like, make everyone lose their jobs.

Chris?

The part of my number is if you decide to go on a little bit longer.

3-0-7.

Wow.

I got nothing.

All right.

Well, I ain't going to work.

I'll try it one more time.

You may pick up an anger.

He's got that Napoleon complex thing going on.

I just want to apologize to him.

That's all.

You know what I could go for right now?

Some bubble balls.

Hello?

Fucking Buster Casey.

I lagged out because of you.

...to an automatic voice message system.

Three, zero.

He's just giving that a few buttons, yeah.

All right, gentlemen.

I'm going to clear the things.

Thank you for joining.

It's been great.

Thanks for numbers from both of you and the three of you, I guess, because Buster's back.

Yep.

See you guys.

Yay.

Bye.

Bye, Carlito.

Bye.

I'll hear myself on the voicemail

everyone check snowplow show

and Jack do you have a site or did you just do your thing

somewhere Jack TV

just youtube.com

slash jack tv network

alright and bustercasey.biz

buy some shirts

I'm starting shows now so

I listened to a show

yeah Brad was there

yeah let's all have sex

alright bye Giga

bye jerks

all right that's them thank you for joining everyone uh let's get to some voicemail here

since we're wrapping up the show don't want to miss them let me refresh the page you get any

new ones that may have come in during the show let me actually open up the right account for that

oh shit there's a ton of them all right so yeah i want to thank everyone who's tuned in tonight

madhouse live.com go there for all your links and such for our social media tuning in and

subscribing podcast support the show patreon.com madhouse one dollar a month gets you militia

access instant show real access which means once this show for example is finished a copy of it an

mp3 128k copy of it unedited unfettered it will be uploaded to a dropbox folder and you if you

have dropbox that is you'll get uh an invite to that folder you can download it at your leisure

so you would lose nothing if you missed the show if you had to work whatever it is you wouldn't

you wouldn't have to wait for me to edit it uh other than that i edit the show and i try to get

it out by monday morning for you guys to listen during your work weeks and i've been sticking to

that sometimes it's pleasing to tuesday but i try for monday you know you know uh yeah and five

dollars instead a month gets you horse membership access that gets you access to our discord server

that nobody uses which you can tell if you're watching the youtube feed hardly anyone said

said anything and you get access to that new podcast international telephone business machines

i keep interchanging it i can't even say the name of it right but anyway exclusive podcasts

and someone was mentioning on the subreddit there yeah madhouse live this show here that you're

listening to is always going to be the priority over that show this is always going to be free

it's always going to be available to you to get no matter what what i'm doing is just to thank

people who are donating what i consider a significant amount five dollars a month or more

not that i'm hitting on the one dollar people but just to give you guys something extra other than

a discord chat that really is kind of dead uh the podcast they're 30 minutes long and they're just

pranks they're pranks that i don't do on this show and i don't do anywhere else they're all

just it's a straight pranks no talking no dialogue it's a completely different project it's just more

pranks i do them off air so i'm not rushed for time and you don't have to worry about shit not

picking up i'm only gonna put good pranks on them i aim for about 30 to 45 minutes per episode of

that eventually i think what i'll do like after six months goes by i'm gonna release those publicly

uh for free but if you're a horse member on the madhouse patreon you get those on schedule i think

that's fair because uh some people think hey dude you know it sucks that i want to hear it all i

want to hear it all i hear you i hear you but i gotta i gotta i gotta hook up i gotta give

something to people to help me out i don't just like to e-bag i like to provide something and

i'm kind of trying to be a private guys and i'm not really into the whole mailing out of stuff

i'm really bad with shit like that you know um and what am i gonna do make stickers and magnets

and send those out i mean come on let's be real let's do something tangible prank calls what am

i brett carter want to make challenge coins voicemail time hi eddie i'm calling about the

receiver yeah someone's leaving fucking uh watching my calls it's again thanks yeah thanks

fuck face okay that's nice uh it's totally bummed out that you didn't make it on the show buddy

because i just love singing comedy call in to sharon and joanna you got it

there's a pizza hut number that is trying to come to you and the acting managers right now are

Johanna and Shoshanna.

Something like that.

Fucking get to it.

Okay.

All right.

So you had people call me?

All right.

I didn't catch it.

It would have been fun.

Maybe.

Transcription not available.

Here is obituary man, a.k.a. Mr. Puller, pulling his dick.

Hey.

You said you couldn't find my last obituary a couple weeks ago, so I'll do it again.

Again, the wily, appealing Hollywood heartthrob who carried on a long love affair with moviegoers,

even though his performances were often more memorable than the films that contained them,

died on Thursday, September 6, 2018, in Jupiter, Florida, at the young age of 82.

Burt Reynolds was a self-mocking charmer with laugh-crinkled dark eyes,

a rakish mustache, and a hairy chest that he often bared on screen.

Was he self-mocking, Burt Reynolds?

There are too many movies to list, but some of Reynolds' films you may remember would be

Smokey and the Bandit, Deliverance, The Longest Yard, The Dukes of Hazzard,

or maybe The Best Little Whorehouse in Text.

Oh, come on, man. You didn't give shout-outs in one of my favorite movies, fucking Boogie Nights, man.

Come on, man. Heather Graham tits? What's up?

At one point, Reynolds battled an addiction to prescription medication after his jaw was shattered in a fight scene.

An accident that left him wizened and led to false whispers that he was dying of AIDS.

and he even posed heartfully nude as a centerfold

in an issue of Cosmopolitan magazine at one time.

Wow, that was hot.

He had that big mustache and hairy chest.

Burt once stated,

I may not be the best actor in the world,

but I'm the best Burt Reynolds in the world.

All right, good deal.

All right, thank you, Obituary Man, for sending that again

because I had lost it down in the shuffle of the shit.

Thank you very much for sending that.

Appreciate it.

We'll catch you next Obituary next week.

I usually would play a song for the Obituary,

but that is not a singer and i'm not going to be playing like the theme to deliverance because

fuck that man i get nightmares i can't hear that too late at night i'll dream about it

that's some scary shit i saw that movie i was like seven years old i really should not have

seen that movie when i saw it man they really fucked me up i was like why is that one guy

getting behind him and trying to jump over him and he can't i don't feel free not to take it

okay probably but this is my opinion my humble humble and uh i think you're funny as hell

but when you call from like the bowling alley or the bathroom and i think you should start calling

them calling more from the bowling alley this is fucking hilarious because i don't know why

it just adds everything all right well thank you for uh listening to my my opinion yeah and i love

your shows thank you thank you for everything bye thanks man yeah i like the idea of just some dude

Dude, being at the bowling alley, just prank calling and harassing people.

Like, it's just fucking, instead of doing his business at Starbucks,

he does it at the bowling alley.

He's a real guy, you know, a real man's man.

Yeah, like that movie I haven't seen about the bowling and the stuff.

That one cult movie with the guy from Roseanne.

You know what I'm talking about, John Goodman.

Yeah, here's Jack TV's voicemail.

Usually I call this number and leave stupid shit.

Like I scream or I sing songs for no reason

Or I have sex and make sex noises

Uh, I wanted to do a serious call

Thank you for all that you do

Uh, thank you for coming up with great ideas

Because I'm stealing a lot of them

I'm giving you credit though, yay

Uh, everyone head on over to madhelplive.com

Slash donate

And or patreon.com

Slash frankfallnation

Help out the boy

Uh, he's great, he deserves it

And uh, now that his dick's hard

And his ego's big

You fucking suck.

All right.

See you, buddy.

Hey, man, that's not cool.

It's patreon.com slash madhouse.

All right, get it right, dude.

Let me see if there are any more.

I think that's it.

That was Jag TV.

This is a goofy.

The goofy white guy called back again.

It's the only one original.

Carlito, I need my penis pumped back.

The mailman just texted me and said he needs to borrow it.

So if you can please give back my penis pump and the horse pumper, I'd appreciate it.

All right.

Thanks for that.

All right, everyone.

Thanks for the...

Thanks for everyone who left voicemail.

Thanks for everyone who tuned in to the show machine.

God damn it.

Let me do a quick, real quick check.

I'm not going to give shout-outs really anymore.

I'm not going to give shit out as far as people come, whatever, links.

But let me just take another look, see if anyone didn't see it.

Jack TV donated through Super Chat.

Thank you.

He said horse.

Thank you.

And the phone company donated.

Wow, the phone company.

Excellent.

It was about time, you motherfuckers.

You got a lot of money out of me in the 90s, you sons of bitch, you.

The fuck you guys think you are?

Your fucking long-distance rates.

Having me calling my family in Puerto Rico on a Sunday because it was cheaper.

All right, guys.

I'll be back here next week.

Next week.

week be sure to keep a tune to the prank call nation uh story of friends man i'm losing it uh

dwight mcclanahan on saturday nights tune into that brad carter's on on the pcm per se but he's

affiliated and he's on all the time he'll probably have a show released tomorrow check him over at

phone losers.org all right i gotta go i gotta go take a shit in the toilet motherfuckers thanks

Thanks for tuning in.

Bye.

Thank you, Spector Ratchet,

tricking you into listening to music on my channel.

Son of a bitch.

Big Belly Bella – 10/11/2018 Show

Calls (37, 2 h 4 min of 2 h 59 min)

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