I’m a Three Input Guy

I'll fuck you left, right, and center, madarchod, Indian chakke, tere gaan marunga, tera number hai mere paas, zyada natak bakana, o bhoswadi, tere madarchod, softmail ka bolna, uski gaan phaad dunga, case karke bhoswadi ke, madarchod, tere maa ki chute, come here you fucking bastard, if you have balls you buyle, chakke, sale hijre, do kodi ke bharve, how dare you call me you fucking bastard, tere maa ka bhoswada, chalo, alright.

You've got exactly two minutes to get your ass out of that bathroom.

I'm finding what you're saying a little bit offensive.

Don't call this number again, asswipe.

Look, man, I'm a three-input guy.

I'm in the streets listening to Madhouse Live.

I hope my speech can compete with that badmouth style that we get from Carlito.

That's my big amigo, so just kick back to listen to this cat call.

People, when this show goes live, I'll be like, damn, this shit's bitchin'.

Stop whatever I'm doing to tune in and listen.

You can catch me in the back of his home at Horse Machine Ranch Road.

I'm busting mad fat flows for assholes and banchos

Must be crazy, shout out to Big Amy

That's nice, honey, baby

We kissing pussies, so ladies, touch your labia

It's crazy how the stuff that my bruh might say to ya

Face it, cause it's the number one prank cast

Stay back if you can't handle all the straight laughs

That we hand to your dome

And if you want, call the number

You can listen to this show on the go

Big up to the man in the madhouse

You show love, you stick your motherfucking hands up

Some come close, but they can't get it right

Let the king do his thing

It's time for Madhouse Live

Speak up to the man in the madhouse

Y'all made me some real lightweight slacks

That he just made up on his own

Sent to me three or four months ago

It's a kind of a light

A real lightweight

Now I need about six pairs

For some of where

Three of the light kind of a lady's face

Then there was green

And then maybe some other light pair

If you had a blue in that or black

You had to have one blue and one black

I need about six pairs

in the evening when I come in from work.

And I need about a half at the waist.

Back five, I didn't really get them right for you.

No, I don't know.

You all just guessed at them, I think, son.

But once you have the measurements there, I can send you a pair.

I want them a half inch larger in the waist than they were before,

except I want two or three inches of stuff left back in there so I can take them up.

I vary 10 or 15 pounds a month.

Leave me at least an inch in the back where I can let them out or take them up

and make these a half inch bigger in the waist.

It's at least an inch longer money up my money and my knife everything fall out

We're just pockets when you sit down in a chair the knife and your money comes out

So I need it at least another inch in the pockets

Yeah

The thing that crotch down where your nuts hang when you make them up give me a that I can let out right now

The best that I've had in nine states

I gave a little under there charging there me about it from the where the zipper under my back to my bum hole

If I need to sure you got the best zippers in them

These are good that I have you get those sure be great

A lot of bullshit talk, I know that much

Bullshit, my friend

Do you know something?

Don't listen

What do you know?

Maybe I do and maybe I don't

What I say is they got no business negotiating

We going back in there with a bullet for everybody in the yard

Is that right?

We do it now, we do it later

Later it can be no use

Wait, wait, wait a minute, Frank

Angry guys in there

Black Muslims, Panthers, Young Lords

Besides you, the average antisocial

We gotta go in, right?

Clean your clocks

Ladies and gentlemen

This is

Calling Target Store now to view specific holiday hours.

Please go to Target.com or the Target app for hours and location information.

To reach a specific department, press 2.

Thank you for calling Target.

Target, how may I help you?

First of all, do you see?

Hey, hello.

Yes.

Yeah.

Hello.

Yes.

Hello.

Can you hear me?

I'm sorry.

I can't hear you too well.

Can you call back and get another line for me, please?

Okay, stupid.

Thank you.

Better not be my computer machine.

Thank you for calling.

Thank you for calling Target. May I help you?

Yeah, first of all, can you hear me?

Yes.

Good, because I called before and the woman was smacking the phone saying she couldn't hear me and it hurt my ears.

I can hear you. How may I help you?

Good. All right, so I got this pair of pants over there.

Do you deal with the pants?

What kind of pants, sir?

They're a pair of men's slacks.

They're in a cream kind of stone color, almost like a powder, like a powder on a woman's face.

Okay, now these pants are good.

I really like them.

I just need the measurements are a little bit off.

I need them extended about an inch in the back down towards the crotch, the private part area,

because I vary monthly, you know, anywhere between 10 to 15 pounds.

So what I end up needing is some room back there, every here and there.

These are called Men's Slim Fit Trouser Pants Goodfellow and Company.

Okay.

So I need to get some more pair of these here.

These are the best pants that I've been able to find in the United States, and they'd be just about perfect if I could get like an extra inch and a half down back by the bunghole.

And then the pockets are about an inch and a half, two inches too short.

when i sit down and move around my knife and my money spills out every here and there so if i can

get them with uh the extra inch in in the crotch area and then the sir sir how will we be able to

do that you can either if you're a size up or go that's the only thing you would have to do go a

size up well i really these are the best they they fit me they fit me just fine they fit me just fine

And these are about the best pants that I've been able to find in the United States.

Well, there's nothing else to do for you, sir.

Um, do you have, well, can I get them?

I need them in like in a green and, uh, like a nice navy blue.

Did you order them online?

No, I got them there.

What's the name of them again?

Man, Slim Frit, trouser pants, Goodfellow and company.

Slim, Slim Chino?

Slim Fit trouser pants by Goodfellow.

Yeah.

All we have are balloons.

What size?

I'm here in the toilet now.

32?

32 by what?

32 by...

Well, that's the thing.

You see, I got the 30s, but I need to have...

I'm sorry, I'm in the toilet now.

I had to use the toilet.

I was waiting too long.

You have to call us back, then.

I can't talk to you when...

No, I can't.

What do you mean?

I'm shitting in the toilet.

I'm in the toilet.

Everyone, let's hear it for shitting in the toilet.

Let's hear it for your bunghole.

Let's hear it for Target.

It's here for Christmas shopping.

It's here for excitement.

It's here for black Americans getting jobs at Target.

Holding it down.

Yeah.

Carlito, I'm the host of Madhouse Radio.

This is Madhouse Radio.

You're in it right now.

I'm in some kind of mood today.

I hope it translates to a positive show experience.

Bow, bow, bow, bow, bow.

I got numbers from Parkman.

I've got also numbers that have been sent to me throughout the week via Facebook and shit.

Indian restaurants.

bronx there's some nicks tickets for sale that the mike from brooklyn that calls in the show

he's sending some info someone mike in the bronx my bad not brooklyn nicks tickets for sale call

them then i'll give out you know the information important things yeah hi is this joanne joanne

regarding this is regarding the nicks tickets i saw the sign oh yes how are you yeah i live in

the 55 i'm in the 55 i didn't know about the phone number shut up i'm in the 55 70 building

you know also okay i guess you but um i saw you got some nicks uh knicks tickets for sale

yes i do for this sunday's game okay all right i'm a big fan of port zingas that big guy you

know the what big white guy from europe poor zingas oh yes yes yes the tall tall guy yeah the

The tall guy.

Do you have permission to post this all over the place, though?

I do, yep.

Okay, and who did you speak with?

Okay, so you're not interested in buying the tickets.

You're interested in harassing me that I posted this site.

No, I want to buy the tickets.

I want to do something Sunday.

Like, I'm not really into the Knicks and basketball, but I've been wanting to.

And I joined a fantasy basketball team.

Okay.

So I've been trying to learn.

Okay.

But I've been going to Brooklyn games.

I haven't been to Knicks games yet.

Okay.

Now, they don't play in the same place, right?

They play a different place?

Knicks play at MSG.

MSG, Madison Square Garden, right?

That's correct.

And I take the L train I get there?

I'm not too sure about the transit.

I'm not too familiar with taking it.

I usually drive when I go down there, so I don't know about mass transit.

But you need to take the train to Grand Central and then take the 4 train,

the subway down, and then come right out to Penn Station.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

I can walk a little bit, right?

It's okay to walk.

That's a safe area there, right?

I don't want to say yes or no.

I'm not too familiar with Manhattan.

I'm sorry.

It's near the Penn Station, though, right?

I can walk to the Penn Station.

It's right in Penn Station.

Oh, yeah?

Because I'll probably take the train to Penn Station.

And then from there, I can just walk.

Maybe I'll get some ramen.

Ramen?

Yeah.

They got ramen people there?

Ramen food?

Probably.

More than likely, I'm sure, yeah.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Thank God, right?

right thank god so what happened that you people aren't going to the connects game i'm actually

leaving um on vacation tomorrow so i won't be around oh congratulations you're going to vacation

tomorrow yeah i just got back from the netherlands myself oh very nice yeah yeah i'm so excited that

you're going on vacation that's great how long are you going to be gone just for two days just

over the weekend oh okay so i have two days to get in there and just look around at the stuff

what stuff inside your home where you live for those two days i'll be able to go inside and

look at the things and touch and smell the dirty underwears that you have yay knicks

let's call her again she's probably freaking out she's gonna call the nypd the best police

department in the world i'm calling the police right now no no i'm calling the police right now

don't call my phone anymore i'm a kid i'm a kid i'm calling the police goodbye i'm a kid

i'm a kid i'm just well my husband's a cop so i'm gonna track you down you're 55 75 we'll see you

there you know you know that goodbye you know that it's a felony to say that shit oh shit oh shit

all right i leave her alone maybe her husband is a cop everyone's husband is a cop everyone's dad

everyone's father-in-law is a cop saxophone motherfucker all right so as i said this is

the madhouse radio prank call show oh i didn't start on youtube man sorry uh youtube you got

fucked you know youtube got fucked in the ass i forgot to start youtube now it's started thanks

dwight for reminding me and letting me know that the youtube wasn't on thanks thank you to project

2501 he's the one who messaged in the chat room that that was going on so thank you madhouse

MadHouseLive.com is my website.

MadHouseLive.com.

You can also visit the show at MadHouseLive.com.

That's also working right now.

We just got that working.

Over there, you can get the links to listen to the station 24-7.

I have a station that broadcasts 24-7 old episodes of MadHouse Radio.

I started doing this show in 2005, in the fall, in the summer of 2005.

So there is a lot of archives.

archives and so it plays random shows all throughout the day and then when i'm live i'm

there when i'm doing a live show it also comes through you can use uh it's a shoutcast stream

you can use the tune in radio app uh there's a whole bunch of them but tune in radio is probably

the easiest there's instructions over there at madhouse live.com as to what to do that also plays

on youtube my youtube channel is madhouse radio look for madhouse radio on youtube and that same

Same rotation plays there 24-7, so if you're confused as to how to listen to the audio portion,

just open up your YouTube machine.

I like that because you can throw it on your TV if you have a smart TV.

YouTube is very useful, you know?

You can get it in a lot of places.

You can get it on your PS4, your Xbox 360.

What's the newest Xbox?

I'm so old.

Xbox One.

The X-Bone, right?

Hand out the one.

There's also links there for my social media machines.

Twitter, at Madhouse on Twitter.

what's up to everyone out there tweeting and also facebook madhouse.live on facebook look for

carlito cross on facebook that would be me got more links and uh stuff to give out but we're

gonna get to that later let's keep the pranks going so i don't bore you guys and again an

apology to those who were expecting youtube it is working now keep in mind no music plays on

the youtube feed because of youtube it's the best second dude explaining

planet work it out and take it to the store for the morning and take your pedicure so you have

the full experience you should be listening over at madhouse live.com

sounds like paris just a moment while i just call our id to match that area that i'm calling

calling so hopefully they get a better response a better reaction as in more people will pick up

because i'm finishing that up right now okay here we are let's do it next call this is for sod

you sod hello yeah how you got that sod hello you had that sod sod uh we install sod yes okay

that's good that's good i'm i've been uh doing some work on my house here and there i do little

little things i carpeted recently i i did myself i carpeted the stairs going up to the attic where

i have a studio and i i have a cat and i wanted to give the cat some green space and i was thinking

to be nice i have a section down in the basement uh that i've i wanted to see if i could put down

some sod yeah i don't think he'd be able to do that in the basement he would never grow well

that's i i'm gonna fill it all with dirt down there because i don't we don't use it for anything so

dirt i'm going to get like a good three inches of dirt in there and then i want to i wanted to

lay sod and then we'll walk we'll water it i was going to set up sprinkler system this is for my

cat so my cat can go out there you know and i can go out there and you know relax and walk around

in the grass with my shoes off you know i mean if you go if you don't want to put it in then i'll

put it in you just need to i can't you you want to put it in your basement you want to put top

soil in your basement and then sod it i'll take care of the top soil you just gotta take care of

the sod okay where are you located uh do you know where horse machine ranch is no i don't yeah do

you know where the walmart's is yep yeah so behind the walmart's they they've we've got new like a

whole new section like a what's it called subdivision back here it's all 40 acre ranches

is called horse machine ranch and i live 219 horse machine ranch road okay all right all right my

name is my name is crawl okay what you call me tomorrow and uh crawl crawl crawl crawl yeah i

hear you man my name is crawl shout out to brad carter it was all about brad carter right there

he talked about that on the show last night on the facebook live be sure to follow him

he's been hanging out a lot with the flavor of the month his new flavor of the month mr biggs

all the time mr biggs oh mr biggs you should have heard him on that show last night oh mr biggs

yes you're so talented

play he doesn't call him biggs he calls him play

sorry i'm just fucking with you guys i love both of you i'm not mr biggs as much because i don't

know you on a personal level but i'm a thing james snow clock repair why did i give out his name

all right here we go get some clock repair guys is this clock repairing yes all right mike i have

a clock that was struck by lightning in the 50s okay hold on just a moment okay okay you stupid

Hello.

Hey, is that Big Jim?

Yes, hey, how are you?

Hey, good. How you doing, Big Baby?

Hey, not so bad.

All right. You cock, your horse's cock.

I was calling because I got a clock that got struck by lightning.

We're looking to see if we can get it fixed. It's a large clock.

Hey, by any chance, is this the first time you called?

No, we've talked before. You've done some work.

Oh, that's what I thought. That's what I thought, yeah.

I farted my hand and I smelled it. Remember in front of you?

Yes.

Yeah, so I got a clock that was struck by lightning in 1955.

Oh, brother, yeah?

And I've been stuck here in the past for years now,

so I'm looking to see if we can get the clock fixed.

I should be able to get in my car and go 88 miles an hour in front of it,

and I think I'd squish, you know, and go back to the future.

Boy, hey, well...

You going to fix this clock or not, you son of a bitch?

Well, what did you, did you say you lived in Paris?

Yeah, I live on Horse Machine Ranch Road here in Paris.

I got a brand new ranch out here, 40 acres.

You know where the Walmarts is?

Yes.

Behind the Walmarts, it's called Horse Machine Ranch.

That's where I live, Horse Machine Ranch Road.

Oh, I was just up there today, too.

Shit.

Yeah.

I dug a hole under a tree.

I dug a hole, like a four-foot hole, and that's where I take a shit.

i go to the bathroom right there you know because i don't have a toilet inside the house yet oh i

get you oh that's why i do i do my dirty business um in the hole oh i get you i pissed the shit in

there you know and then you're gonna come fix the fucking clock right you someone will bitch you

well i'll try my best fix the goddamn clock when you coming motherfucker when you fucking coming

well we're not sure well you need to be sure all right you need to be sure you need to know you

You know, when Jesus was on the boat on the bottom of the boat and the apostles were all

scared because of the storm, they were all freaking out.

And Jesus came up and he said, what the fuck is your fucking problem?

Sleeping motherfuckers, you know, and they're the girl, the storm, the storm.

And he just waved his hand and say, here you go, bitch motherfuckers.

Now, what do you want?

You there?

All right.

He's gone.

Finally, Jesus Christ.

I kept cursing.

I kept increasing the cursing to be disrespectful to him.

Shit.

Look, I just want to say right now, I don't believe that Mary.

i believe mary was the mother of jesus mother of god it was an i believe in immaculate conception

i believe in the holy trinity the father his son and the holy spirit or as you white people say

the holy ghost which i think is silly you know ghost spirit okay let's move on to the next one

motherfuckers upright freezer for sale

Sorry, the mailbox is full, and there is not enough space to leave a message.

All right, negative contact in the upright freezer, more like an uptight freezer.

Here's a call that we're going to try to a CPAP machine supply delivery place.

I love my CPAP machine.

I love it.

I fuck it.

But I can't...

This call may be recorded.

I don't like to masturbate with my CPAP on,

which is a problem.

It's a pain in the ass.

Because I'll be ready to sleep,

and I'll put the CPAP on,

and then I'm like,

oh, I really would like to have a wink,

you know, to help me relax and sleep.

That's how I get down, guys.

But then it's like,

I can't do it with this mask on.

I reported this to Milkman once,

a few months ago.

I said, look, man,

I feel like Darth Vader jerking off with this thing on.

So then I've got to take it off and turn it off, and then I've got to put it to the side.

Then I do my business, and I've got to put it back.

It's just a pain in the ass.

So then I just end up falling asleep after doing the deed without the CPAP on.

We're here waiting for them to pick up right now, everyone.

Thanks for tuning in.

Madhouse Live, Madhouse Radio, Madhouse Live.

Thank you.

I appreciate you.

Appreciate you.

Hello?

Hi, can you hear me?

Yeah, what's going on?

Why are you talking like that?

calm down oh come on motherfucker call him back everyone this call may be recorded this call is

what it is hello hi

this is Natalia with Veris Healthcare on a recorded line.

Jesus.

Hi.

I'm calling about the CPAP machine.

We're calling in regards to CPAP supplies.

My name is Natalia with Veris Healthcare on a recorded line.

and we were following up on a request for information about our products and services

to help manage your health and sleep better with the most up-to-date technology available.

Yeah, okay.

Do you have sleep apnea, sir?

I currently do have sleep apnea.

I'm diagnosed with it.

I have a CPAP machine right now that I use.

What we do is to provide patients with supplies for their machine,

like there are tubes, cushions, filters, and masks.

Okay.

All right.

Do you fulfill the ordering?

You don't supply the machine.

Do you do filters also?

Right.

Okay.

All right.

So I'd like to order.

Have your first and last name, please.

My name is Cross.

Can you spell that, please?

C-R-O-S-S.

Cross, like I said, we are on a recorded line.

We could definitely help to provide you with our products and services to help manage your health and sleep better with the most up-to-date technology available.

Okay.

So we already established you are the person in the home with sleep apnea, and you also use a CPAP machine.

Do you use your machine regularly for at least four hours a night?

Of course. Of course.

Hello?

Of course, yeah. I was in the toilet. I'm out of the toilet now. I was peeing.

Your insurance company encouraged you to replace certain items on your machine once every three months.

Those items include your tubes, cushions, filters, and masks.

Hey, I don't need you to read a script to me.

I don't need you to read a stupid script to me, okay?

Let's be real.

What makes you think that I was reading a script to you?

Because I can hear you speaking script style.

You're obviously reading a script.

I don't need that.

I don't have time for that.

I just want to get down to the biscuits.

I was, Mr. Cross, I was explaining to you how it works here.

Cross is my first name.

Would you like it if I went around calling you Mr. Your First Name?

So, I was just explaining to you how the process works here.

Okay, well, I get it.

It's, okay, insurance sends to you the request, the payment.

You send my supplies, however much insurance approves.

Every three months for a new hose.

Every three months for a new mask.

Every month for a filter.

Whatever it is.

Okay, fine.

I know how it works.

I'm not ignorant, okay?

I wasn't saying that you were.

Well, let's move on.

Let's get to the part where you get my last name and I tell you what I need.

Okay, we can move on.

If you'd allow me a moment, we'll explain to you how the process works here at Barrett Health Care.

Fucking.

I need one CPAP, please.

Thank you for your time.

With pepperoni and onion and extra cheeses.

I think you have the wrong number, okay?

No, I don't have the wrong number.

My insurance company gave me this number for fulfillment, they said.

For durable medical supplies, they said.

D-M-E.

Durable medical equipment, they said.

this is who i call can you kindly refrain from the obscenities okay labia sexual intercourse

as i was explaining to you sexual thank you for your time sir calculation i was encouraging at the

end terrible connection terrible and i was waiting as i like to think waiting around the beginning

i don't like my calls where like i start out like hey and i'm like waiting around looking for

For an opportunity.

I usually don't include those in the show.

I usually take them right out.

Or I cut them down.

And I really dislike giving a name.

Like, hey, what's your name?

And I give the name.

And how do you spell it?

I gotta spell it.

And what's the number?

And I give a number.

And repeat it.

It's such a waste of fucking time.

I don't like to hear that in prank calls.

I mean, you can't get around it when it's live.

But I usually, I try as much as I can just to chop that out.

It's just a waste of time.

This isn't a fucking number show, spelling show.

This is a prank call show.

All right?

Get the fuck out of here with that.

You know who I'm talking to.

Fucker.

Come on, I had a good idea for this.

Puta cabrona.

China.

Icona.

Bestia.

Sorry.

Fuck.

Generic Viagra for sale.

100 pills for $99.

That's like a dollar a pill.

A dollar a boner.

Billy, what would you like to order, please?

Hey, Labia, yeah.

I wanted to see, get some information about Generic Viagra.

Just to see what's up, sir.

And we have here Generic Viagra that comes in 100 milligrams.

And we can offer you 100 pills for $99.

Where is it sourced from?

150 pills.

Where is it sourced from?

The product will be delivered from India, sir.

Oh, that's disgusting, people.

What part of India?

Northern or southern?

Bengali, India, where?

Actually in Canada, sir.

No, but where is the plant at?

Coming from India.

Is this one of those Indian dirty places with the dirty water outside?

For that question, sir,

You may call our customer service department

For further information

That's 1-877-273-3528

And our customer service department

Will be more than happy to answer those questions

Oh hey ignorant

Are they going to be open now then

You stupid shit

Are they going to be open now

Fucking guy

Where are they sourced from

India

Bye

Click

The only thing worse than that

Is if we would have said China

Because I would have been like

No thanks

You're risking your life

Getting shit from India and China

Ryan, is that even what you think it is, motherfucking?

Hi, Montreal Drugstore.

My name is Summer Maynard.

Would you like to order, please?

Hey, honey, baby.

How are you?

I'm doing good.

Thank you for asking.

You want to know how I'm doing?

I'm sorry?

You want to know how I'm doing?

I'm sorry, but I do wish, if the order is taking death,

you may call us back once you're ready to place an order.

Thank you for calling.

I have questions.

I have questions about generic Viagra.

Summer, my ass.

I'm so big, fat, I got named after a season.

and i almost had a holiday jesus chinese man chinese i'm montreal drugstore my name is billy

how may i help you hey big billy how you doing good how can i help you today may know what would

you like to order yeah we'll act toward 100 pills for 99 what is the shipping cost are you what

pills what pills would you like to order sir uh viagra sialis what do you got for the penis for

erections what do you have we have generic viagra cialis and levitra sir which pill would you like

to order well how does it work for our generic pills uh every uh month about body is actually

different some say that it work some uh say it doesn't uh it doesn't work but it really depends

on how your body works on this uh pills that we have okay now for further uh clarification

my penis it goes the blood goes to the penis not quite sure with that sir but if you want to know

more about our product you may call our customer service department at 1-877-273-3528 and they'll

be more than happy to answer your questions thank you for calling montreal drugstore you have a good

day where can i put my penis after shit that was the same guy i'm gonna try one more time see if

i don't get him or a big summer big fat summer i hope it's summer again hi montreal drugstore

this is tracy may i know what would you like to order please hi tracy i'd like to make an order

order, please. These come from India, correct? That is correct. And as of the moment, our offers

are 100 pills for $99, 150 pills for $140, and 200 pills for $175, all for free shipping that

will be delivered in four weeks' time. And this will make my penis erect like any other Viagra?

It actually depends. The body has different reactions to the medicine, so it depends on

on how it will react to the medicine.

So if you would like to place an order,

we can process it right now.

Where can I put my penis?

Sir, would you like to place an order?

Yeah, okay.

One chicken tikka masala,

one naan bread,

one...

If you are interested in putting an order with our products,

please call us back again.

No, this is Indian.

You're Indian people.

One chicken tikka masala.

Okay, enough.

Enough of that.

i think they're indian themselves yeah don't guys don't order that shit from india and all that

china especially i mean the things that get tested all the time they're nothing they're not at all

what you're expecting they say they're based out of canada because it's a whole thing whole thing

about 15 years ago when it started that you could get canadian drugs you know how the medications

certain prescription medications were cheaper to get in canada than the united states so companies

started popping up people were a lot of people were that were close to the border would travel

into canada to get certain medications cheaper um in a lot of cases it was the only way they

could afford to take their medication as they needed to and that's understandable and then

businesses started popping up that basically said hey instead of you having to drive into canada to

get it we source it for you you know we bring the canadian shit down here and they were popping up

up all over florida i remember when i lived there and then the shit hit the fan with that because

they weren't coming from canada they were coming from india so anyway they say they're from canada

because that you know for joe you know joe six-pack calls and he's like oh yeah that's that

can get this is from canada this is great this is from canada it's safe they got universal health

care they got obamacare up there you don't know it's coming from india and it's not it's not

fucking viagra you know it's uh i don't know it's some kind of anxiety medication and now you're

addicted to anxiety medication and your penis isn't working like you thought you think there's

something wrong with you so you start getting desperate you start buying cock rings and things

like that yeah you got motorcycle jacket for sale okay all right does it have a place for a gun

inside it how big of a gun do you have it's just uh it's like a glock you know okay what size

uh i had like a 22 clock i don't know how i don't know how it works okay hold on your pocket

presuming right well i want to carry it in the jacket yeah i just want to be able to get to it

fast so i can draw while i'm on the motorcycle you know yeah yeah i like to shoot it in the air

sometimes to make people move faster like a green lights if they hesitate they take more than three

seconds to move with the green light i'm honking my horn i'm shooting my gun in the air you know

Yeah, and I got to take it out of the box.

Okay, honey.

I don't see it's a head.

All right, while you do that, I'm going to walk.

I got to pee.

So I'm in the toilet right now.

Yeah?

Yeah, get that on.

All right, is there a space for like a couple bags of marijuana in there?

Room for all kinds.

Because I like to hide my marijuana and have my gun handy, you know?

All right, what about a baseball bat?

Let me get out of this shit pissing in the toilet here.

Hang on.

I'm sorry.

I had to pee.

What did you say, honey?

It has a pocket on each side.

One pocket?

Okay.

There's no secret flap that I can use to hide contraband, like pills and stuff?

You can hide what you want.

Okay.

You can hold it to play.

Okay.

All right.

Marijuana in there.

Because I like to...

I move marijuana.

I sell it on my motorcycle, you know?

What do you want to do?

You want to buy the coal?

I don't want to do nothing.

Okay.

All right.

In that case, I want to give oral sex to you, ma'am.

I want you to sit on my face.

Go back.

She said I could do whatever I want.

I can do whatever I want.

Did he pick the answer? I don't think so.

Hopefully he answers angry to defend his wife's honor.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Look, I was just making a funny joke.

It was like we're family, you know, just joking.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, yeah, I'm interested.

I'd like to come and see it, you know, and try it on maybe.

Yeah, that's...

Okay, all right.

Are you an Android family or an iPhone family there?

Okay, do you have a Note or a Galaxy phone or what do you do?

Pixel, LG?

Just to send you a picture.

Well, yeah, if you could send me a picture, then when I come over, it'd be really helpful.

I mean, you can use my phone.

I got a Note 9.

But if you could take some pictures of me, like I'd like to put the jacket on and make, like, look real tough in one picture.

And then another one of my motorcycle smoking a cigarette.

And another one, like, laying down on the bed, you know, with nothing on but the jacket.

Dope, man.

And I'm serious about the, I mean, if your wife wants to sit on my face, that'd be great.

You could watch.

I'll call this number again asswipe

Look man I'm a three input guy

What the fuck is three input guy

How is a guy three input

Three input guy

I have a colostomy

Hello

Oh they picked up and hung right up

That's what it is I got a colostomy bag

And you can fuck the hole

Okay

This is a number sent to me by Dom the Bomb

bomb from super phone brothers who did a show this before mine started that was good you should

have checked them out super phone bros on oh this is adam hey the gunsmith yeah i'm how can i help

you yeah so when you say gunsmith you don't like build a gun you just kind of customize it a little

bit or fix them i can build them do you want a custom rifle built well i'm looking for more

something that i can hit someone over the head with you know i don't want it to fire but i

I want it to look like a gun, and I can just cold cock you with it in the head.

Like an Italian would do in the 70s in New York City, you know,

like hit you in the head real hard with it.

Well, I don't know.

If you really want knockdown power, hit them with your truck.

No, no, no.

I don't have a truck, and, I mean, that would murder them.

I'm just trying to knock them out a little bit, not trying to break bones.

Well, where's the fun in that?

Well, I'm trying to intimidate them because they owe money.

It's nothing about killing a person.

It's about scaring them, you know?

What you want is a four-pound ball-peen hammer and hit them right in the kneecaps or the ankles.

All right.

Works beautifully.

Well, can you take one of those and make it look like a gun?

No, but I can make it look like a hammer.

All right.

I can make your fist look like a hamburger.

You can try.

I will.

You will.

Yeah.

I'll pull your pants and your panties down and your dick out.

Oh, see?

Now, here you go.

You were on an original track.

And I'll suck your dick.

you had here going on see and then you revert back to the pervert stuff you gotta work on the

material you're right you're right you're right you're right and a lot of people complain about

that you're right you know yeah you was on a roll and then you just got discussed you're right

and then then we'll see hey i'm the greatest prank caller in the internet my name is kdk

well i'm honored then can you give me a promo can you say you're listening to kdk's lunatic fringe

can i give you a promo yeah no actually i think i'd rather uh stare at the sun with a

pair of binoculars than do that all right fuck you then all right asshole oh baby you're an

shut up shut up i say see now you're getting mad why would you do that i get nasty if you want

no i don't it's boring everybody else does that no a lot of people call you yeah i get a lot of

people like you that call up and and uh it's boring you think it's boring yeah it is it's

very boring nobody has anything original to say well what started with you got real angry the

first time that these people called you and you were you spent like 30 minutes saying all this

nasty stuff to them you know oh okay so you're acquainted with the possum brothers then yeah

yeah those guys yeah well i'm a fan of them i'm a fan are you yeah yeah i cannot fathom why i mean

I mean, there's not an intellectual between them.

There isn't.

I know.

You know they're immigrants, too.

They're a bunch of dirty Ricans, Puerto Ricans.

Yeah, it's boring.

Yeah, they're boring, too.

Yeah, all they do is eat plantains and rice and beans.

Yeah, it's boring.

Yeah, it is boring.

You've got to come up with something more original.

Come up with something, you know, topical, you know.

Do you have an idea for if I was going to call a guy who's selling bunk beds?

So you want me to shut up, but then you ask me to make up your mind.

Which one is it?

Shut up, please.

No, because I wanted to say something, but you were talking too much,

so I wanted you to hear what I had to ask you, and then you could reply back.

I don't really care what you have to say.

I really don't.

The only reason I'm still talking to you is because I haven't bothered to hang up yet

because I held out hope that maybe, just maybe.

Okay.

And how are you feeling about that right now?

Is it not going well for me?

I don't know.

Bored.

We'll go right back to bored again.

Well, hang on. Maybe someone will pick up here and then we'll find out, you know?

No, I'm done.

How do you feel about Jews?

Oh, man, he's a pussy-ass bitch, motherfucker.

Thank you for calling Volunteer Lenders.

That mailbox is full.

A lot of full mailboxes tonight, huh, guys?

Haven't you done that?

Mailbox is full. Mailbox is full.

It just keeps happening. It keeps happening.

Let's take a look at Facebook because, like I said, several numbers came in.

They're in the weak machine, and I need to get on that.

Let's see what I can do.

I stopped taking requests because I kept getting people putting in numbers for the FBI and the police and stuff like that, having me call.

Like, ha, ha, ha.

So I was like, all right, well, you guys are going to be dicks.

Then no more.

I'll get my own numbers.

I don't need your numbers.

And that still stands as far as I'm concerned.

I don't need your numbers.

If you're going to be like that, don't even bother because I don't need your numbers.

these are indian restaurants and these came from someone named alex that's a girl's name let's call

let me find the file i just had it open great number busy i'll call another one alex man you

gotta you gotta put ones in front of these numbers homie not you homer my friend you gotta put ones

in front of these numbers come on you're making me hustle it's a struggle yeah hi is this indian

food is it indian people indian food are you indian is this indian people indian food are you

an indian okay uh is this an indian owned company business yes okay and you are from okay good good

very good i'm bengali okay okay all right all right and my wife she's from nepal okay i'd like

to make an order then uh one chicken tikka masala one chicken tikka masala yeah yeah okay one

one bench hood bench hood uh-huh all right do you have matter chad do you have the what

that's what happened to his brain

indian os crash jesus

i think he's like 18 he's just a kid just a kid listen to this fucking fat ass calling

all right let me try that first one again that didn't go through it was busy

you're sorry the number dialed is not in service please check the number or try your call okay

thanks for nothing next one yeah mother india oh it's a great name mother india mother child

told why your call is being connected this call may be recorded for quality control

Oh, shit.

Cornered.

Hello, Mother India.

Hey, Mother India?

Yeah, Mother India.

Okay, I'd like to make an order.

Mother Chaudh, India.

Yes, please.

Okay.

One chicken tikka masala.

How would you like to take it?

In the ass?

On the rice?

Yeah.

How spicy?

Chicken tikka?

Medium.

Medium spicy.

Sure.

Okay.

Medium.

Okay.

Do you have any malagatani soup?

No, sorry.

We don't have that kind of thing.

Okay.

Okay, do you have any korma?

Yeah, we have korma.

Korma, I mean, we just use the korma saucer, not exactly.

Okay, all right.

Do you fart in your hand and smell it?

Sorry?

Fart in your hand and smell it?

So it's vegetable korma.

We have vegetable korma, chicken korma, and lamb korma.

Okay.

So shrimp korma as well.

What is the vegetable korma, what does it smell like when I fart in my hand after I eat it?

Vegetable korma you would like to try?

Yeah, I like that, but what does it smell like when I fart and poop it out?

There will be some, sorry?

When I poop it out, how does it smell?

There will be some veggies and there is some regular sauce in it.

Okay.

Like normal, normal.

How long after I eat the chicka tikka masala until I go to the toilet?

About 20 minutes.

Just 20 minutes and I have to go to the toilet?

Yeah, yeah, 20 minutes, please.

Okay, wow.

All right, that's pretty good.

So, would you like to take the vegetable korma as well?

Yes, yes, I would.

You want vegetable korma on the rice?

Yeah.

How spicy?

Mild.

Anything else for you?

Yeah, I want ban chad.

Sorry?

Ban chad.

Oh, I didn't get that.

Sorry for that.

We don't have that one.

Do you have matar chad?

Matar?

Yeah, we have matar dishes.

Matar chod.

No, sorry.

Okay.

We have rotis.

We have veggies, dishes on the rice.

Do you have vagina?

Sorry, we don't have that kind of thing.

Vagina.

We have just a...

Indian vagina?

No.

Okay, do you know what is vagina?

So you just place an order for the chicken tikka on the rice medium, vegetable korma on the rice medium.

Yeah, but do you know what is a vagina, the female sexual organ?

Hello?

Hello.

Yeah.

I was trying to make an order.

So your order is chicken tikka on rice and veg korma on rice, both mild.

And one bench hot, one bench hot.

Are you out of your mind?

No, my friend Sanjay, he said to order this.

He's from India.

Just ask the meaning from him, then you call me, okay?

No, one mother chug.

Get lost.

Okay, one vagina.

Are you kidding me?

Get lost.

Okay, I'll get lost.

Thank you for calling Leland and Fruit Bar.

How may I help you?

This is Lila Lala.

Lila.

This is Lila Lala.

You're right.

Lila.

What would you like to order, sir?

I'd like to make an order, please.

Calm down.

I'd like to make an order.

Sure.

What would you like to order, sir?

All right.

One chicken tikka masala.

Okay.

Extra spicy.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Do you have a mulagatani soup?

Sorry?

Do you have any Malagatani soup?

Malagatani? No, I'm sorry.

I wish. It's lovely, but I do not.

Oh, it's delicious.

Do you have Chicken 65 at all?

Chicken 65?

It sounds great, but no.

We have Butter Chicken.

We have Latsuni Cauliflower.

Latsuni Cauliflower is very good.

It's a little sweet and spicy.

Even that's very nice.

I love it.

I like gay sex.

I like to kiss penis and put it in my mouth.

Banchot.

Oh, lovely.

Great.

Banchot.

That's fine.

I will kill you.

Behave yourself.

Hey, you banchot motherfucker.

Motherchot.

Huh?

Chutia.

I am going to kill you.

Son of a dog, you.

Your mother gave birth to you in the street like a dog.

Like a sewer dog.

It's all of...

Behave yourself.

You're garbage, you.

Garbage, you fucker.

Bye, you piece of shit.

No, you piece of shit motherfucker.

Pay me back.

What the fuck?

I know who you are.

Uh-oh.

Someone's going to get beat up at cricket this weekend.

Oh, shit.

Motherfucker, come to cricket on Sunday.

I'll punch you in the face.

Listen to me.

Listen to me, you fucking bastard.

I will tap your call.

I have your number you fucking asshole. If you try to harass me, I will call 9-1-1 you fucking bastard

Who the fuck are you? You motherfucker. I'm Sanjay

Fucking bitch

Who fucking Sanjay me Sanjay motherfucking

Behave yourself.

This is a business.

He called the madarchod.

Madarchod.

Chutiya.

Benkei.

The call is getting recorded, you fucking bastard.

The call is getting recorded.

I'll fuck your case.

I know exactly who told you to call me.

You fucking bastard.

You Indian piece of shit.

Pay your money.

You ugly.

Look at your face in the mirror, you fucking bastard.

Who the fuck are you?

If you have balls, you fucker, come to the restaurant.

Just come to the restaurant.

I have your number.

Listen to me, you bastard, very clearly.

I'll fucking do a case on you for this.

You know this is illegal, you bastard.

I'll fuck you left, right, and center.

Fuck off, you fucking asshole.

Fuck your mother, you fucking bastard.

Pay back your money.

Who the fuck are you?

What money?

You know the money, motherfucker.

What money?

You know the money.

Who paid the money back?

You bastard.

Take the money from...

Listen to me.

There are people around.

You come here, I'll give you the money.

Come front and pay money.

Take the money from your mom's ass, you bitch.

You fucking bastard.

Mother chud.

Tiri maka bosoda tiri.

No, fuck you, man.

Thank you, Lonnie.

Chut.

Indian chot.

I'll fuck you left, right, and center.

Mother chot.

Indian chot.

I'll beat you up.

I have your number.

Don't act too much.

That bastard.

Mother chot.

Tell Sopin.

I'll break his ass.

Case him.

Bastard.

Mother chot.

Your mother's chot.

Come here, you fucking bastard.

If you have balls, you buy them.

Chot.

You son of a bitch.

Two-quarter big.

How dare you call me a fucking bastard.

Your mother's bastard.

Come on.

Alright.

Thank you for calling.

Bye-bye, sir.

Pay your money.

all right yeah that was great i was saving i was letting him go because i want i want some good

indian insults on my soundboard and i want to share that with the community and yeah i think

i think we got some pretty good shit to play so i want to cut that up like i did with the mexican

guy right if i hear that they speak spanish i start i start playing the mexican shit where's

You guys know what I'm talking about

Stuff like that

Now we got

Hopefully got a good

Good number there

I'll be chopping that up this weekend

See if I can get that in time for Dwight

Maybe he can use it

I just want to call Indian restaurants

And start playing it

Here's another Indian restaurant

While we're at it

hey the show's going pretty good hey guys what do you think oh shit by the way if you want to call

in 405-396-6884 call in and join me call in and harass me and talk to me area code 405-396-6884

that's 405-39 mouth let me test it out make sure it's working no one's even tried to call in

Yep, it's working

And yeah, your voicemail

I know it gets busy sometimes

So if you don't get through

Leave a voicemail

I'll try to play it

Alright, here it goes

Next Indian restaurant

I'm gonna call that

That's a given.

Calling that motherfucker back.

Hello, am I express?

Hi, I'd like to make an order, Banchot.

Sir, we can't take an order on the phone.

You can order it.

Is that because you're a monkey?

Sorry?

Is that because you're a monkey?

No, sir, I'm not a monkey.

You are a monkey.

No, you fucking monkey, dirty motherfucker.

Take my order.

Don't fuck yourself.

Banchot, you?

Maruchot?

there you go nunu uh uh organic usage of banke lodi dwight will get a kick out of that too he's

been saying that a lot lately at the behest of noon oh shit that was good let me call

i wonder who he thought i was or what thought sent him some shit's about to pop off there in

that town the mailbox belonging to you didn't answer this time all right here's another one

these are all in toronto i think we have a caller hi caller this is madhouse radio you're on the

air thank you for hanging up thank you for being rude rude animal i'm not talking to you echo

shut up echo

I live voice when I sing my ability make yours look like an exercise in futility

bring your squad

the mailbox belonging to amaya express first canadian place is full another one they're all

full tonight man can't even leave voicemail crazy I blame the solar flares filled up all

the voicemails with solar garbledy goop told by a call is being connected this call may be

recorded for quality control yes hi let's make an order sure can i just put in a quick hold please

okay sexy thank you thank you this is all close her eyes and relax while she comes back i don't

want to do a lot of talking right now okay i don't feel good i got some bad medical news today

hi there hi i got some bad medical news today sorry i got i got some bad medical news today

medical yeah i like to make an order yeah sure you're picking up at the gingdon right

Yes.

I come pick up.

I come collect it.

Yeah, sure.

Can I have your phone number?

Yeah.

405.

Yeah.

396-6884.

Can I have your name?

Yes.

My name is Cross.

CRYS?

Yes.

Can I have your order?

Okay, one chicken tikka masala.

Okay.

Do you have any mulagatani soup?

Yeah, we do.

I'd like one mulagatani soup, please.

Is it good lentils that you use, or are you using out of a can?

We use good lentils, not from the can.

From a bag.

okay good good yeah from the bag good good good good good yeah okay all right uh one bench hold

come on yeah what's that huh come on hold while your call is being connected this call may be

recorded for quality control yeah one bench hold hello one bench hold please i'd like to order one

bench hold one mother child you put that down and bring your sister and give me give me one okay go

Go get sister, yeah.

And I'll talk to her.

Yeah, give me one.

So I can fuck.

Okay.

Idiot.

I think that's what I heard.

Shit, I'm not sure.

Let's see who I called.

Hold while your call is being connected.

This call may be...

Shut up.

All right, good.

I marked it right.

Here we go.

Next one.

Looks like a chain because they're all named the same.

Am I extra?

Yeah, let's make it more.

We don't take phone orders.

Why not?

No, we don't take it because sometimes people don't show up here.

Oh, well, you're what?

Because you're a prostitute?

Excuse me?

Are you prostitute? Is that why?

You're ordering for the food or I think you called the wrong number.

No, Bhenchod. You. Marachod.

Ah, fuck you. Chutia.

Bindia, India, Indian. Bindia. Bindia, Indian, Bistro.

What the fuck? Bindia, Indian. That's hard to say. That makes it confusing.

Hold while your call is being connected. This call may be recorded for quality control.

Bindia, this is Andrew.

Bindia, Indian, Bistro?

Yep.

I'd like to make an order for pickup.

Sure.

Please hang on.

Fuck you.

All right, there we go.

Hi.

All right.

What would you like?

One chicken tikka masala.

Chicken tikka masala.

How spicy?

Medium.

Go on.

One ban chad.

Sorry?

Ban chad.

Ban chad?

Yes.

Not sure what that is.

Sorry.

Are there Indians there that you can ask to see if they can do it?

No, no.

It's whatever we have on the menu online.

line no but are there indian people there indian workers yeah ask can you you have it online but

it's a different name on your menu and i'm not sure because when i was in punjab oh yeah they

know what it is can you ask them sorry it's ban ban chad chod c and chad c-h-o-d yeah thanks

Tee hee.

Hello?

Yes, hello.

Yeah?

Yes, hi, can I help?

Can you help me?

Yes, yeah, yeah, sure.

Okay.

I was making an order.

Yeah, sure.

One chicken tikka masala?

Okay.

Okay, did you need to ask me how spicy or?

Yeah, sure, let me know, like.

Medium?

Sure, medium.

Okay.

Do you have mullagatani soup?

No, sir, we have vegetable soup.

Okay.

Yellow ball, like lentil soup.

Okay, then no, no, thank you.

All right, and bench hod?

Bench hod?

No, sir, we don't serve that.

Okay, do you have chutia, banke lodi?

No, sir, even that, no, that.

Banke lodi.

No, it might be your mother or sister can serve.

If they serve, please send us a few plates.

We can eat, too.

No, your mother comes here all the time, and she serves that to me.

She opens her hairy legs and her hairy vagina lips.

She parts the hairs, and she shows me.

If you need something, like, you know, it doesn't look nice, right?

The way you are talking, right?

You know, you are killing time, right?

But at least, right, think about you, your family, and, you know, these kind of things, you know, it's rubbish, right?

Grow up, man.

I like sex. I like sex.

Grow up. Little grow up, right?

No, no, stop. Stop.

It's the small things, right?

Like, you know, it looks cheap, right?

It doesn't matter, like, you know, I can't see your fucking face, but, you know, think about that thing.

Like, grow up, kid. Grow up.

But I like sex, and I can't get it out of my head.

I just think about sex things.

So I call, and I talk sex.

But please grow up, right?

No.

Please grow up, right?

Like, you know, these kinds of things, like, you know, it shows, like, you know,

it's how your parents give you, like, you know, it's okay, right?

I'm not like you, right?

We don't need any argue, so chill.

No problem.

Okay, but you know what these words mean that I'm saying, right?

Okay.

Okay, I saw people asking for what song this is, so I posted the YouTube link for where I got it

in the Mixler chat. You get all your answers in that video description there. It's a compilation

audio of synthwave songs. I didn't do that. Okay, next one here. This one is a Deli Bistro. I got

a feeling this one here might just be like Indian sandwiches. I wonder what that would taste like,

right? Why hasn't there been a fusion of Indian food sandwich? Oh, that would be great. That would

be so good you know the vietnamese do it they got banh mi they do a good job i'd like to see

the banh mi of indian cuisine work on that any of our indian fans out there hello is there an

indian sandwich sorry is there an indian sandwich this is an indian restaurant yeah okay is there a

sandwich uh no we don't have any sandwiches on our menu item do you have chicken tikka masala

Yeah, we have chicken tikka masala.

Okay, medium.

Is this for pickup or delivery?

For picking up.

Okay, can I get your name, please?

My name is Horse, H-O-R-S-E.

H-O-R-S-E, and you wanted the chicken tikka masala?

Medium, spicy.

Do you have a malagatani soup there?

Let me just ask.

One second.

Okay, all right, fucking.

Hi, honey.

So, we have a lentil soup, not the malagatani soup.

You have only a lentil soup?

Yeah.

But that's close to it, right?

That's kind of close to it.

Our chef says we don't do the malabatani soup anymore.

I can ask what kind of lentil soup it is.

Can you ask him if it has ben chad?

Which one, sorry?

Can you ask him if it has ben chad?

Ben chad?

Yeah.

Okay.

All right, thanks.

Hey there, thanks for holding.

Hi, would you like to make an order?

I was holding for an order.

Yes.

What was the question?

One chicken tikka masala, medium spicy.

Yeah.

Okay, and then one lentil soup.

I prefer mulligatani.

I understand you don't have that anymore, but you have a lentil soup?

Yes, we do.

Okay, are these good lentils?

Are they from the can, or are they good lentils, like from the bag that you get?

It's from a bag.

Okay, good.

You soak them and clean them well and everything, right?

I'm not going to get any stones in the soup or anything like that,

because sometimes that happens, you know, they get stones in the lentil bags.

Check to see if they're actually cooked.

Good, good.

You have to, you have to, yeah.

Okay, and then one bench hood?

I have that.

Okay. Do you have mother chot?

Do you know what those mean?

Sanjay, my roommate, he wrote these down.

He's at work right now. He works at the call center, but he said to order these.

Because those, yeah, we do not have those.

Okay. Do you have, he put down here, bang ke lodi?

No, we do not have that.

Okay. Do you have sister? Do you have mother? You have mother.

We do have mother.

Okay. Bring mother to confront.

When I go there, have mother confront of me, you know, confront.

front and i kiss i kissing her her labia her private parts her vagina sexy mother yeah you

know i mean i'm just joking around yeah i can see that yeah yeah you motherfucker you you know i

really like you though okay thanks i like your skin you have nice skin color because i see you

there when i go i had your sexy boy okay yeah you sexy boy sexy hair sexy voice sexy body well do

Do you find me sexy?

How about you compliment me?

I can't really see you, so I can't really compliment.

Turn on your viewer.

I have my camera on.

Turn on the camera phone.

You can see me sexy.

I see you.

It's a lot of light.

I'm looking at you.

You sexy now.

Okay, I'm going to bite you.

Just give me one second.

I'm going to bite you.

Okay.

Lonesome Losers in the house.

What's up, big Lonesome Loser?

And he sent numbers.

Yeah, my man.

Yeah.

Woo.

Lonesome.

Get to those in a second.

he stepped away i'm gonna connect the motel evening bouvard motel how can i help you yeah

hi uh seem to have a problem over here pardon me the toilet is um there's water all over the

the the floor okay um what room are you in well i'm not i don't know i don't have it like i don't

know what number it is you know what room are you in i'd have to find out okay can you tell me how

this toilet works i have my sheets inside the toilet i was trying to flush the sheets down and

now they won't they won't go down oh jesus hey what i keep don't go down hey there oh

hey there man hey buddy uh we don't have we do have much okay all right i'll come down there

we'll figure it out all right buddy all right because i gotta take a shit right now all right

buddy thanks i forgot he was there i totally forgot he was there good evening boulevard

Garden Motel.

How can I help you?

Yeah, I was just calling over there and someone hung up the phone.

I cannot hear what you're saying.

I'm in the toilet.

What room are you in?

I don't know.

I don't have it written down.

I have to go outside and look or something.

How do I find out?

It's on your key?

What's your name?

Well, I'm in the toilet and I don't have the key in the toilet.

What's your name?

I'm not.

The hotel's under my name.

It's under my friend's name.

I'm trying to...

And your friend's name?

His name is Lysol.

Lysol is who Lysol that's the only way I know how his name is is Lysol he's the black guy okay well

that doesn't help me because we don't have anybody here registered to that name again that's like his

street name I don't know his real name it's like clonazepam something like that clonazepam

I don't know and I keep trying to flush the sheets down the toilet they're not going down

I'm sorry why are you yelling at me it's it's simple I'm flushing sheets down the toilet

Yes, I am. There's water everywhere. 212?

Oh my god. I'm bad for it.

I gotta get these sheets either out or through the toilet. I don't know if you can help me out.

I don't know if you have any recommendation of what I can do. Do you have any idea?

Hello? Hey, stupid!

Alright, enough of that. Jesus Christ. He's freaking out.

Let me get Dwight on the line. Dwight was trying to call in and I hit the wrong button.

Hey, what's up, Big Dwight?

Hey, did you get out of the toilet?

it oh yeah i did for now i'm gonna call back you want to try to explain what's going on here

yeah my name is lysol answer not anymore bitch it's fine let me see what lonesome loser said

how you doing dwight oh i'm good i just got back from the gym machine nice what'd you do today

legs arms cardio cardio day it's an off day cardio day off day cardio day wow you're serious

but you're off day you do cardio nice on your off days you do cardio and i'm like ha fucking

fucking bitch right tomorrow tomorrow's late day uh what kind of car do you do are you a

elliptical guy or uh i get uh i do the bike first and then there's uh what they call an arc trainer

it's kind of like an elliptical okay well i don't know it fucking beats me up more than an

elliptical does and then uh then i go do some treadmills okay and then i go the fuck home good

good good i'm gonna have some nice protein now yeah i have protein i had a uh bumblebee tuna

one flavored jalapeno yeah pouch and it was good yeah man i saw those the other day and i almost

picked some up i was like i was i was gonna do the dwight diet you know those bumblebee tunas

and the different flavors what do you do you like the lemon pepper because i'm not a lemon pepper

fan i don't like that shit what do you what do you like star kiss makes some too like a

The Thai chili is a good one.

All right.

The jalapeno is good.

The buffalo is good.

Okay.

But like the lemon pepper, it's just too much lemon.

You don't taste no pepper.

It's all lemon.

I don't like lemon pepper flavoring,

and I don't like stuff flavored with that lemon pepper shit.

It's never good.

Yeah, it just tastes like Lysol to me.

You're spraying Lysol in your mouth?

Well, you know what it tastes like.

after you shit and then you spray that spray in the bathroom then you walk through it and

taste down your tongue yeah he goes all right

right, this is the UK.

This is from Lonesome Loser.

thank you brother good to see you here man let me send him an invite to the madhouse hi hello is

that mr richard speaking good my name is cross i'm with the united water machines we handle the

water here right okay we have a report of a water main contraction the water main contracted on

itself and it's putting a lot of soil through the water we were calling the check to first of all

to let you know don't drink the water right now second of all when is the last time that you

You consumed water, looked at the water coming out, the faucet.

A couple hours ago.

Was it clear, normal?

Yeah.

Okay, all right.

Is it possible just to flush your toilet, your loo,

and can you let us know if the toilet flush is clear

or if you see any particles or if it's an off color like a yellow or a brown?

Is this a wind-up or is it?

No, no, sir.

It's like a half-assed one in the morning.

No, I understand, sir.

See, the calls roll over to us here.

We're in Chicago, Illinois, in the United States because of the time difference.

We're still open, but the call center there in the U.K. closes.

So we got an alarm here that the water system had a failure,

and we need to find out because it could have feces in it.

Okay, can you touch the water, see if it's cold or hot, cold or warm?

Cold.

You put your hand in the toilet and it's cold?

No.

No?

No.

Yeah, he did.

He did.

He did, but Dwight, what do you think?

He did? I think he did.

What happened?

Yeah, I think he put his hand in the toilet.

Oh, he did? He did, and then he realized he shouldn't have done it.

Yeah, that he's stupid.

All right, look.

Here's another. This is a Hilton.

I think a Hilton is too highbrow.

They're not going to fall for the old toilet trick.

A Hilton? Yeah.

But a Travelodge will. Let's try them.

I've never stayed in a Travelodge.

I know you're a big fan of those.

You go there with your...

Yeah, I like to stay anywhere that has N in the name of it.

Yeah, or best.

Or lodge, yeah.

Yes, hi.

This is Travel Lodge.

Yes, it is.

Well, I have a problem.

I'm here with my friend Lysol, and we're trying to flush the bedsheets down the toilet.

Sorry?

We're trying to flush the bedsheets down the toilet, and we got water everywhere.

All over the place, we got water.

In which room we are?

Is it what?

In which room we are?

I'm not sure.

I don't have it written down, you know?

I just came in, and I've been in here this whole time.

But we keep flushing the toilet, and the water keeps coming up and over.

Okay, let me check.

So what name did you tell me?

Sex.

You don't know in which room you are?

It's not my room.

The room isn't under my name.

It's under my friend Lysol's name.

Sorry, you know what?

There's so much disturbance at the back, and I'm not able to hear you.

Yeah, I checked in.

I checked in.

The last name is Cis, C-Y-S-E.

first name is Ray

sorry what name did you say

the last name is Sist

and the first name is Ray

you know sir I'm so sorry I'm not able to

listen stupid

the first name is Sist

the last name is Sist the first name is Ray

tell her again

my last name is Sist and the first name is Ray

first name is Ray

yeah the last name is Sist

so first name R-A-Y right

yeah

and the reservation is under his name

Yeah, last name is Cyst. First name is Ray. Did you find?

No, I can't see up here. You're already in the room, right?

Yeah, and I'm taking the toilet apart.

Okay, and do you know in which room you are? Because I can send someone in your room if you know about the room number.

No, because I took the room number off as well.

You took the room number off as well?

Yeah, I had a screwdriver. It was brand new. I got it for Christmas from Cross.

And so I had to find something to unscrew, so I unscrewed the numbers and I took the numbers down.

And do you know the reservation is under your friend's name?

Yeah.

No, it's under my name.

The last name is Cyst, first name's Ray.

But I'm not able to see the reservation up here.

Well, put your glasses on and look harder.

Do you want to come at the friend desk and I'll send my manager to help you with it?

No, no, because I'm afraid you and your manager are monotrodes.

You know, because I do need to, like, know what room you are in.

Because I tried to see at the reservation, but I don't have any reservation under Ray's name.

Yeah.

I'm just taking water from in here.

I have a bucket and a chicken, and I'm throwing them into the hallway.

I'm saturating all the outside with water.

I'm dumping water.

Is your room on the second floor?

Yes.

You know what?

I'll just send...

Do you think that the reservation can't be under different names?

No, it's going to be under racist.

Can you spell the last name?

C-Y-S-T.

First name's Ray.

Do you have the full name?

Just one second.

Z-Y-S-T?

Yes.

And how do you pronounce it?

Listen, lady, I'm going really hard and long on this joke.

Like, I'm waiting for you to give me the payoff.

Just one second.

I'll send someone.

Okay, she's sending someone.

Nice.

I hope the sound effects weren't shitty.

I think they were.

I think they were really loud on my end, but I think that's how it is.

It's just how it goes, man, with me.

It's just it.

It's just it, man.

hey i want to apologize to all the listeners who unfortunately were uh the i didn't switch the

youtube video correctly i thought i did i'm not paying attention i'm not i'm having a lot of

trouble focusing uh unfortunately and it's going to be like that for a few months apparently

according to the medical news that i received today i don't want to get too far into it but

it's i'm gonna do my best just be carlito all right okay guys just gonna do my best here

hopefully works out don't worry i'll be fine everything's great everything's grand i'm so

not worried about it whatsoever anyway look i got now the youtube's fucking up give me a second let

me play a little let me play the song dwight you hang on there buddy we'll do more calls in a

second just a second youtube should now be more stable speaking to youtube let me take a look

because i think i saw at least one donation yes there was a donation here from our friend walter

heimlich maneuver and he says any updates on brad leto helicoptering into an elevator shaft and

And following into the bathroom stall with grunting noises.

Merry holidays and thanks.

And various emoji throughout that.

I would have to talk to Brad about that.

Because Brad is the helicopter.

He controls the helicopter.

I control the toilet, the elevator shafts.

So that would be a compilation between me and Brad.

Like you said, Brad Leto.

Next time I talk to Brad, I will say that, look, I've gotten various requests to do this with you.

And we must do this.

me helicoptering in uh dwight how do you feel about helicopters and prank calls you think

have you ever done that you never talked about helicopters well the one time we did a helicopter

one is when the volcanoes were going off in hawaii we were trying to get them to fly into it

nice nice nice that's effective uh oh diapers nice let's call for some diapers i think i think

i won't just put this out there hey sam wheeler fuck you oh damn okay if you want to call in 405

396-6884. You can call in

and talk shit to Dwight right now.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated

voice messaging system. Hello, caller.

Thanks for calling. How can we call?

Carlito, you've got exactly two minutes to get your

ass out of that bathroom. Oh, shit.

That lady was panicky. How you doing, Brad?

What's up, big baby Brad?

Hey, that was funny. That was hilarious.

Hey, before I skip it,

Heimlich Maneuver, Walter Heimlich, I know you're

aware of him, I think. He's probably reached out

to you on the

the internets. He wants us to do

a show, another helicopter show together.

Yeah, that sounds fun.

Yeah, so

I think it'd be funny, like around the holidays, I could

be in the helicopter. You could be flying the helicopter.

I could be Santa, and I'm being lowered

into the chimneys. Something like that.

Maybe Christmas Eve.

Because it's a lot of

NORAD and 7-Eleven stuff that

you and me usually do on Christmas Eve.

There's a new idea.

I think that's right.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, good.

That'd be great.

Good, good.

Hey, when's Mr. Biggs going to call my show?

How come he never calls?

Why does he hate me?

I don't know.

He just says he doesn't care too much for you.

I guess so.

All right.

All right, then.

Fine.

Very well.

I'm calling someone who's selling a Camry, it looks like.

A Corolla.

Kidding.

I know he likes me.

He adores me, he said.

I'm that upset that I was saying that you two were like,

talking to each other i don't know if you heard that at the beginning of the show of course i did

hello at the tone please record your message when you've finished recording you may hang up or press

one for more options what happened to leave a callback number press five if i lose you i'm

sorry me yeah you but no i got you i still got you all right back to the motels here that only

happens when you have milkman on the line right uh oh okay hang on lonesome sending numbers let's

try these uh these are in england the emerald golden dragon chinese restaurant where a woman

answered all right coming up on break time thanks for calling in brad because i hadn't had any

callers yet i saw a few pop up but i didn't get to them in time hello calling to ask a question

about the food there so i can make an order yeah sure all right first of all do you have any general

so chicken i'm sorry general so's chicken do you do that there never heard that sorry we didn't do

do that i think it's an american thing uh what what's your primary chicken does you have an

orange chicken or anything like that no we don't have orange orange chicken no what kind of chicken

you have uh chicken mushroom veggie chicken almonds chicken cashews chicken barbecue sauce

chicken chili sauce garlic chicken mongolian chicken like isana chicken chicken plum sauce

So honey chicken, sweet-sauce chicken, side chicken, teriyaki chicken, chicken omelette,

curry chicken, kumpo chicken, and empress chicken or crispy chicken.

Okay.

All right.

The empress chicken then.

What is that exactly?

Is it sauced?

The empress chicken is like a half-roasted chicken deep-fried with sweet-sauce sauce

and little bit of lettuce at the bottom.

Okay.

Look, no offense, but this Australian-style Chinese food is pretty crappy.

Now, let's make an order for one empress chicken.

One empress chicken?

Yeah, and then how long after I eat the empress chicken until I have to take a shit in the toilet?

I'm sorry?

How long after I eat the empress chicken until I have to take a shit in the toilet?

I'm sorry, I'm not quite getting what you're saying.

Do you know what is toilet?

Yeah, the toilet, yeah.

How long after I eat empress chicken until I go to the toilet to shit it out, to push it out?

I'm sorry, are you talking very rudely?

No, I'm just asking a question because I need to make sure that I have enough time to move out the bowels of the empress chicken before I take my trip.

I'm sorry, I really don't understand what you're saying.

I'm sorry, I can't cook for you.

No, no, you can't.

I want to order, but I was wondering if you know after I eat the chicken, how long until I'm on the toilet?

I have no idea.

You know how I...

Well, I only do take 10 minutes for that.

It takes you 10 minutes?

So you eat the empress chicken and you shit in ten minutes?

You're pooping?

I'm really sorry.

Are you doing a video or something?

No.

No?

I don't understand.

I'm sorry.

I have to hang up the phone.

I'm sorry.

No, please.

I've got to make shit in the toilet.

I haven't done one of those in a while.

That was fun.

Wow.

Did you hear?

That's how an Australian Chinese person sounds.

You could hear the Chinese accent still, but with Australian English behind it.

quite odd, right? It's kind of

unsettling to me. Brad, I don't know if you have

any feelings about that. It was very

unsettling. Well, you know, you had me off

the air the whole time. No!

No, really? Yeah, it's

okay. I listened on the

mixer, so I heard part of it. It's okay.

It's okay. You're okay. It's fine,

honey. You're okay, honey. Okay.

Alright. I heard, are you hitting yourself in the

head? I did. I just did. You can see it on the

YouTube feed. I hit myself on the head.

I like that lady earlier.

Earlier, she actually gave you an answer.

She said 20 minutes.

I think she was answering how long it takes to make.

But still, it was funny.

Yeah, I think that's where it came from.

But, well, you know, I should not have said anything, right?

Because I think most of the people, because they're stupid, they would believe that, you know?

I believed it.

I thought she was giving you a real answer.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's believe that.

That's what it was.

I think that's what it was, Brad.

I think so.

We'll edit the part out where I just, yeah, spoiled it.

Yeah, you just ruined the whole joke.

Yeah, let's call back that Travelodge where I had two minutes to get out of the room.

Let's see what's up with that.

Brad, you want to jump in there maybe, get a little bit in?

You can?

Yeah, sure.

Brad, do I have you?

Do I have you, Brad?

Do I have you this time?

Thank you for calling Travelodge.

How can I help you?

Hello?

Hi.

Yeah, Brad's here.

Go ahead, Brad.

Hey.

Hey, yeah, I'm here.

Hello?

Hi.

I'm here in the hotel.

I'm in the room.

Okay.

We're flushing our towels down the toilet, and one of them is stuck, so I think we're going to need more towels.

Do you know in which room you are?

No, because Dwight, he used his new screwdriver, and he took the room number off of the door.

Is it on the second floor by the poolside?

Yeah, the second floor. He always takes the room numbers off the door for, like, a souvenir.

Should I give the call to my manager if you want?

Okay.

Will that take a long time?

No, just a moment.

time just a moment yeah how long's the moment she's at the back i just need to call her just

once again okay i thought this was the one that they yelled at you yeah it is i think that's who

she's getting lounge monday through saturday from 3 to 7 i hope and enjoy daily drink special

if you're hungry mixers reporting 100 listeners i don't know if that's accurate because sometimes

it doubles them up but thanks everyone for listening let's all believe that it is 100

people yeah i'm shit talking on your listeners in there too i see you hey sam if you're still

listening fuck you buddy i told you i was gonna kick you off fuck you oh damn you got 38 people

hello hi i'm debbie how can i help you oh hey debbie we just need some extra sheets i guess

because we've been flushing our sheets down the toilet and now one of them's stuck but now we need

some sleep with you've been flushing your bed sheets down the toilet yeah like over and over

we keep like if we okay where are you in i don't know because dwight took the room

dwight took the room number off of the door and he's gone dwight our friend dwight he's here with

us okay so are you i threw those numbers out the window so can we get more we're having the police

come and remove you guys right now bye oh no we don't give you permission no no uh-oh we did it

it again yeah guys yeah we're cops i'm fucked you guys you guys are fucking me uh excuse me

reminds me of a voicemail i got a voicemail from it's on a different line but i don't know if it's

it was legit or not but it was a police department saying they needed to talk to me

about these calls it was after the pokemon the pokemon show that i did the pokemon cards

i think they got several reports of me being at the walmart shitting one yeah long story i don't

know if you heard that show you guys brad included um real quick just to let our youtube

followers know and if you're not following or you're not subscribed to me on youtube please

do so please okay please because i i'm gonna die youtube.com slash madhouse radio um subscribe to

get notified when new videos go up there's going to be a new one it started uploading before the

show but i had to cancel it uh pause it technically uh so that i could do the show i didn't i

I couldn't have it taken up the bandwidth.

But it's a new episode of Prank Calls of the Week.

It's 45 minutes worth of prank calls from the October 25th show

and one prank call from the November 9th show, I believe, are in that episode.

So that's going to be coming at you here by tomorrow.

It should be finished uploading.

It was at 30% when I had to stop it.

So everyone look forward to that.

And that's really all I had that I can remember.

yeah i'm looking forward to it all right good good thanks brad good we got an endorsement from

brad yeah um i want to hold off on voicemails until a little later let's try a different hotel

and then i think it's going to be just about break time i think so i like break time break

is good you get to go have a smoke or whatever you're into you know whatever you want to do

do some auto asphyxiation it's always fun my favorite yeah dude cheap legal high

Hi, audio asphyxiation.

There we go.

Man.

This is bullshit.

It is fucking bullshit.

I was excited it was going to be one of those you can just call right through.

Shit, damn it.

Those are always the best, calling from the front desk, you know what I mean?

Here's a different one.

There's not a lot of those left, are there?

Because of the people, the prank net?

The prank net and probably us.

They ruined it.

Yeah, they ruined a good thing.

I was saying that.

I wasn't saying anything publicly about it because I was afraid they were going to turn on me

when the shit was going down in 2010

and all that. I was like, let me just not

mention it.

They came on my forums every once in a while

and gave me a little bit of shit.

Oh, shit.

Or I guess their fans did. Probably not them.

Well, I mentioned them once

and I got an email from one of their fans

saying, no, no, no. This is what we do

now.

I'm like, okay. I tried to go in their chat room

that Lux chat room

or whatever it was called. Bay Lux or something.

I was able to listen to one of their shows

through that chat room.

Did it play through the chat room?

I never got to.

I need room 212, please.

Thank you.

See, this used to be how it went down, too.

Never any questions when you asked for a room number.

Now, after the PrankNet guys, then it became, well, who are you trying to reach there?

What's the name of the, what's the name of the what?

You are being transferred to the operator.

Oh, it's going back.

And when you join our free Choice Privileges Rewards Program,

you'll earn Choice Privileges points when you stay at over 6,000 properties worldwide.

Hello there.

Hello.

Your calls come back to the front desk, so that means they're not in the room.

Okay, do you think maybe they're porking in there or something?

Maybe they're porking in the middle of porking.

Put me through again.

Maybe he's finished porking her.

Put you through one more time?

All right, damn it.

Complementary full hot fist.

Great, great.

All right, it'll go back.

We'll mess with the guy.

We'll hang up, and then we go to a break.

Brad, are you a sushi fan?

Do you ever eat sushi?

I don't think you're a sushi kind of person.

I've never had sushi before.

You're not an adventurous eater.

I don't take you as that kind of person.

No, not really.

It looks pretty gross to me.

I don't think I want to try it.

That's what a lot of people say that then they try it finally, and it's like, wow.

Yeah, maybe someday.

Most of it is cooked.

Sashimi is the raw stuff.

You don't want that.

Okay, I'll stay away from that.

Thank you for calling the Comfort Inn, Winnipeg South.

All of our guest service representatives are currently busy helping other guests.

If you'd like to make a reservation or speak to a guest,

please dial zero now or remain on the line no that's enough that's enough all right i'm gonna

take that break i'm getting a little loopy i need to get some carbs i need to carb up

brad if you want to stay on you want you can get on skype and join up man

so i gotta clear okay if you want to join in all right by all means all right buddy

thanks for calling though i'll see you when i see you bye honey

that's brad carter the founder of the phone losers and the host of the snowplow show

Be sure to check him out, subscribe, support him

He's my closest friend when it comes to

Prank calling

Sorry Dwight

It can only be one

Yeah I know you're already eliminated

He was the first

Alright so when we come back we got a lot more Indian restaurants

We can get to

Dwight you need to get involved buddy

Come on you gotta

We gotta get some Dwight action here

No no I don't want to ruin your show

Cause I'm not funny

And according to the chat they're pretty sure I'm 85%

85% sure I'm racist

Come on, you're not racist

Dwayne isn't racist

He's not

He's far from it

Because you guys actually know me

You fucking hang out with me all the time

Yeah, exactly

I know everything about you

But he's hot

This guy's hot shit

I can't go against him

Because he's a $10 Patreon of fucking brats

Oh, crap

Yeah, you see

He's got more pull around here than me

Fuck

You see what happens when money gets involved?

That's the problem

Macron was right

We should never, you know

Hey, look, I need to stop talking.

Look what you done did now.

Yeah, all right.

I'll be back in about, give me like eight minutes, I think.

Nine, ten, twenty, something like that.

I'll be back.

Don't go anywhere.

MadHouseLive.com, MadHouseRadio, 98.6themouth.com.

The GPS in your bottom.

You die, put a tractor at the GPS, and you go straight.

MadHouseRadio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

Better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you huge.

you are hey man i don't give a fizz da atf task force jump out boys and your local neighborhood

robbers maybe i got to keep on pushing civic science center visit our web page at taxi.org

to speak to a receptionist from 8 30 a.m to 6 p.m press zero at any time for information on hours

of operation admission pricing location membership or group sales he says 6 30 or 6 p.m because if

If it was 6, it's too late.

You are calling outside of our normal business hours

at 8.30 a.m. to 6 p.m.

Monday through Sunday.

There's my answer.

There's my fucking answer.

Close.

nigga was known for having a lot of weight try to knock me down but it only

made me bigger haters wanna see me fall but a nigga got a key don't get too involved don't get

too uh involved with the trolls you know the haters no it would be simple i could just boot

them but i'm having fun hello hello yeah is this master mattress farm yes it is sorry about that i

picked it up i was gonna dial and all of a sudden someone's on the other end oh well hey if you need

you to dial don't get upset at me okay i can i'm good you want me to hang up hang up no i'm all

good who are we gonna call your wife huh no i'm not married oh you're oh why anyhow what can we

what can we do for you uh i was calling to see about getting mattresses there um myself i'm

having a problem i don't know if you have an advisor who can kind of help out as far as the

type of mattress and so well what are you looking what are you looking for any i mean

a comfort level or size i have a problem now okay okay i um i seem to be waking up and in the

and i've had a horrible night's sleep i wake up with like pens inserted into my anus and my

my shirt gets is pulled over my belly you know every time yeah and i don't know what to do i

don't know if there's anything that i can do as far as the type of mattress i have that might

of keep me from i think what's going on is like i'm inserting these like i'm inserting my cell

phone and stuff into my anus okay while i'm sleeping well you know problem there so i sound

like you're too serious are you gonna are you gonna you're gonna make your phone call now

are you gonna make a phone call now okay all right good luck all right good luck with calling

your mom you know when you call your mom tell her i'm gonna fuck her all right all right god

God damn, what a shitty connection, man.

Let me do it real quick, see if I can get him.

Get him again.

Three down.

The bigs are up to 250 now.

Get out.

Bullshit.

That's an error.

I can't be right.

Why would that happen?

Thank you for calling Mattress.

Hello, this is Madhouse Radio.

Thanks for calling.

Please don't be a troll.

Yo, Mr. Carlino.

Hey, caller.

Thanks for calling.

Who's this?

Do you want to identify yourself?

VA your name?

Yes, this is Mr. T.

Hey, Mr. T.

Great.

Mr. Tough.

Hey.

Mr. T.

I just wanted to know.

I love your show

listen to it all the time

keep it cutting through work

thanks man I get a lot of that

people saying you get me through my drive

on trips you get me through work

you get me through when I'm sick

I get that a lot and I hear you man

it's fucking work

it's good to have a job

where I have a job right now where I'm able to

put on a set of headphones

and just listen to a show

like a podcast or a book

uh while i think yeah every day i will lose my life yeah or brad or dwight or whoever i just

keep waiting on a new show to come out yeah do i say thank you the young man is saying that he

likes oh thank you thank you very much okay all right the shit shows that i put out yeah oh dwight's

yeah he's he's being he's he's in the middle of a he's fine yeah no no i want this guy to really

think that he's affected my mood so i'm gonna i'm okay hang on hang on yeah i don't know good

shows i don't do good shows you want to stay on i'm boring i'm boring you you're not you're

gonna do a call i'm calling an aquarium let's see if they're still open seattle aquarium guest

services voicemail after the tone please record your message when you finish recording hang up

or press the pound key for more options anyway yeah i didn't really think they'd be open i was

I was hoping that they would, but they weren't.

I'm going to call a different place.

This is a drive-in in Seattle.

Those things still exist, apparently.

There are not many left in the United States.

I've never seen a movie to drive in,

and I don't get what the appeal of it would be

other than the fact that you're in your car.

But I was like, it'd be cool to be able to smoke a cigar or something

while I watch the movie.

But then the one that's close to here,

I looked at their website and all the rules,

and it's like no smoking, not even

in your car. Oh, fuck that.

Most of those are going to be

open for Friday or Saturday

probably.

Probably the last time I went to one was

when I was a kid.

There's still actually a couple open

around where I live.

There's one not too far from here.

And I thought, like I said, I thought about going,

but because of the weather, they close

for the winter, so I can't, I have to wait

until, and that's not something I'm used to.

usually when you pay for your you know for the car to get in and they usually do a double feature

so you get like two movies ah okay all right i mean some movies would be cool to watch like star

wars i imagine be really fucking cool to watch outside like that um other movies you know

station wagon you have sex with your girl in the bag yeah yeah but then they're like you can't

bring in outside food like dude fuck if i'm gonna you go to a drive-in in my old car and be like

like, oh, I can't bring in outside food.

What is it, like, you're getting into Guantanamo,

they're fucking searching your car with the beers

underneath to see if you're smuggling

any in?

Yeah. Hang on, let me look at...

Up to 308? 308.

There's something... That's not right,

dude. That's not right.

Someone's fucking around. 308 people

listening, I doubt it. I'm not a stupid.

I'm not a stupid.

I'm not a stupid, uh, Mixler.

You can't do that. Alright, let me get to the rules here.

It shows all the people that are logged in

and listening with their accountant

that it says $245 elsewhere.

All right, so here are the rules.

Cash only at the ticket booth.

Cash only at the snack bar.

There's an ATM.

No motorcycles, scooters, bikes of any type allowed.

No drugs, alcohol, or pets permitted on the front.

See, I'd want to come with my dog.

That'd be awesome.

Home where you can chill.

You know?

No dogs.

Nothing.

Let's review driving rules.

Those aren't even the rules yet.

outside food and beverages are not permitted uh no more i already said that retain your tickets

do not discard stubs there are no refunds if you leave the theater you must pay to re-enter

the posted speed limit is five miles per hour whatever vans trucks high tops and mpvs park

in designated area don't place anything on top of your vehicle including people

each vehicle can only have one space please park close enough to post to another vehicle

be considerate do not raise voices radios or noises loud enough to disturb other patrons

uh shoes must be worn at all times you see what i mean i said i was like what the fuck

obscene language or profanity will not be tolerated period do not run do not ever sound

your horn laser pointers are forbidden carbon monoxide is poison do not leave your car engine

running you may not cook grill or in any way prepare fruit on premise never approach the

box office on foot do not set the alarm system in your vehicle you must disable the system it

disturbs the show yeah etc you see how it's like the the movie nazis they take away all the fun

of going to a drive-in what i don't i don't see the appeal the weirdest one that on that list is

wear shoes at all times why why why do you care if i have shoes on in my vehicle if i take my

shoes off while i'm in the car what's gonna happen god damn it man seriously i can understand don't

grill we have some you know probably have some people out there grilling sausages i would actually

like to see you go yeah see those are good ideas

oh god yeah probably probably 275 i would say maybe 275 that'd be my bet

we are a 21 and over establishment to bowl or play pool and open at 3 p.m every day if you're

calling about bowling lane reservations in december please listen carefully we only have

availability on december 10th at 7 30 december 16th anytime december 17th at 8 p.m december 19th

at 6 30 december 22nd and 23rd anytime walk-ins are welcome at all times especially after 8 p.m

as we are always walk-ins only after eight o'clock every night of the week depending on the size of

of your group we do still have some billiards tables available for reservations for all other

inquiries and future dates please listen to the following menu options or check our website at

garagebilliards.com press start any time to return to the previous jesus come on for general

information and directions press one for reservations events or to speak to emily

robinson event manager press two for billing questions or to speak to greg lanier general

General Manager, press 5.

For Billiards Front Desk Attendant, press 3.

For the Old Front Desk Attendant...

Why would you put that so deep into the menu?

My mom is shit.

It's like those ones that you want to be creative.

Instead of 0 for Operators, it's like 4 or 5.

Yeah, they catch you.

And they let you know from the beginning, you know, sometimes.

Listen to all our options as they have changed.

Why do you get so angry that I hit 0 and I get through to someone?

I'm going to start calling them out for that.

You've reached the front desk of Garage Billiards.

There's no one available there.

Of course not.

Yeah, you're wasting my time, sons of bitches.

All right, caller.

I don't know what to tell you.

Nothing worked out, man.

It didn't work out.

I'm sorry, brother.

Oh, thank you.

You guys keep doing what you're doing.

All right, we will.

Take it easy.

Thank you, sir.

Bye-bye.

Have a good night.

Bye.

Thanks for calling.

All right, that's the caller.

His name was, I forget, Mr. T.

Mr. T.

I like the name The Caller better, though.

The Caller.

Okay.

I got voicemails to play pretty soon here.

oh it's already 9 31 shit show's almost over it's been a quite of an action-packed show

music bar in seattle i think that's going to be a little bit too loud no polished boutique spa

in seattle polished boutique spa nice okay and if you want to call in you can 405-396-6884 the

line is kind of open right now what the hell was that i think collapsed outside it wasn't the pets

because Dobby's here as is Homer.

I'm really looking forward to getting closer to Christmas

so you can call more red.

Oh, we're getting there, yeah.

Is this call gonna go?

Nope.

Lost the overhead camera.

It's not working at all.

Shit, damn it.

I need a new webcam for the second view here.

The one that's like a wide shot of the studio room.

Because like right now, it's cool.

Like Dobby's chilling, Homer's chilling.

They'd be on camera right now.

But every time that happens, the fucking camera goes out.

It's this old janky ass USB 2.0 camera.

Do you want G-odds? I still have his.

Well, that's G-odds property.

This call isn't going through. I don't know what's going on here.

Just sitting.

Yeah, I can't just take G-odds stuff, man. You're crazy.

Ask him.

It's community property now.

Common law? Yours now?

I've had it so long now it's technically mine.

All right, we'll talk. We'll talk.

Oh, there's a City Girl dog walking in Seattle.

Thank you for calling.

We've reached Jenny with City Girl's dog walking.

I'm sorry, Mr. Carl, but leave me a message.

My dog.

Do you think that's a nice job idea?

but there's two competitors that do it through an app right now.

Walk your dog on your own.

You don't need a dog.

Well, when you go out of town and stuff like that, it's good to have.

Yeah, but I think most of their business is just people that are goddamn lazy.

Yeah, true.

See, I'm lucky.

I can come home at lunchtime so that I walk Homer in the middle of the day.

I live close enough to work where I can just kind of dip in.

Have my vacation.

Take him out, but then he doesn't want to do his business right away.

He wants to sniff for a fucking half an hour.

Oh, Homer, dude.

Homer Bassett's do this, and he does it all the time.

It's embarrassing.

He lays down.

Hello.

Hi.

Hi, Drizzle and Shine Women's Clothing.

Well, we have men's clothing, too, and unisex clothing.

Okay.

All right.

Well, I'm looking for women's clothing, though.

It's trendy women's clothing, right?

I guess some of it would be considered trendy.

Okay.

Because I'm looking for clothing for fat girls.

Okay.

All right.

Do you have that kind of fat girl clothing?

Are you talking about the brand?

No, it's like for fat people.

We have different sizes of clothing.

Well, how far up do they go?

This is for a very fat woman.

I have to get her a Secret Santa.

You know what Secret Santa is?

We put all the names in a hat.

Yes, I do know what that is.

And then the owner of the company was like, no, not a hat.

We could get lice.

So we had to start it all over again.

And then we all put our name in a bowl and then shook it up.

And then we started drawing.

We all drew one.

And I got the fat girl in accounting.

I don't even know what her name is right now.

I just know she's the fat girl in accounting.

What's a fat girl's name with an A?

Ann? Annette? Annie?

Hi. Thanks for coming in.

Oh, I just had a customer walk in.

Is it a fat customer?

No, I'm sorry. Is there something I could help you with?

Yeah, I'm trying to see if you have clothing for fat girls so I can come in and get her something.

I am telling you that we have different sizes.

I don't know what exactly you're looking for.

Well, let's say she's fat.

Let's say she's like 5'9", and they told me she weighs 165.

That would not be fat.

She's pretty fat.

I mean, she's the fattest one there.

Okay.

It's not skinny.

I'm actually finding what you're saying a little bit offensive.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You got a big belly yourself?

I'm sorry.

when you started describing it like five times like i don't know where he's going

so he's gonna give it we're gonna give her like don phan

fucking dimension she's the bigger one the biggest one there i guess some of the stuff

could be trendy okay there and thanks for calling drizzle and shine we're located at

one oh drizzle all right next another trendy woman's women's clothing trendy trendy wendy

Hey, Wendy.

Yeah, hi.

My name is Julio.

Are you familiar with Drizzle and Shine's women clothing?

Okay, well, I was looking for clothes for fat girls,

and they said that this was a fat girl store here.

We do have some.

Okay.

I mean, like, we are on that.

We're on fat people.

Well, yeah, this is a fat girl that I have to buy something for,

and I'm not sure what to get her.

I got her in the Secret Santa, you know?

Yeah, oh, for sure.

and she's the fat girl from accounting i think her name her i don't know what's like a fat girl

name with a it's like ann and that and i don't know anna and eddie and anastasia anna something

like that she's she's it's like a fat girl name you know so do you have scarves there yeah i mean

yeah we do have yeah we have like accessories and stuff because the scarf it can be for a fat girl

or a small girl right right it doesn't matter um what if she tries to eat it i gotta why why hey

are you a man or a woman i'm a guy you're a guy are you cisgendered or like um where are you where

are you in the spectrum on lgbtqr is i'm helping it right now are you a q or a c an x i'm gonna let

you go now okay bye honey baby i'll suck your dick all right all right everyone suck your dick

Suck the pants right off him.

Get the dick sucking, yeah.

Man, I fucked your dick, man.

All right, moving on to the last of these Parkman numbers, the laughing cat dance.

That is...

Fucking Parkman, he's a hell of a guy.

He is.

I still have his note right here.

It's right in front of me.

I'm going to frame it.

Good.

That he gave us in Chicago.

He left a very good note for me.

He said that I'm important, that I'm an important guy.

I've got to go and get a picture frame.

I've got some black...

People?

...poster board.

No, so I can have a nice background.

Hello, you have reached Calico Goodrich.

Please leave a message.

Pooh's names.

You got a what now?

Do what?

Oh, I got some black poster boards so I can put it in the frame so it's a nice background to the white paper.

And, yeah, and then when I go to San Jose, I'm going to take some of these drawings that Brad gave me from Nick Caesar.

I'm going to fucking sign them and I'm going to fucking frame those up too.

Okay.

I got a picture of you hanging in my room.

Yeah.

Hey, Dwight, talk to the people.

I got to let the dog out.

the dog's being a little bitch right now so give me a second okay the dog's being a bitch everybody

so how's everybody going who's going to the meetup in chicago chicago san jose we're going

come on let's see i know i'm going let's hear it for zombie powder recovering from a torn tendon

in his fucking hand machine that's right driving here meet up m.e.a.t i'm definitely going and i

look i'm telling you man i hate to fucking fly but i'm still going yeah here we are what do what

i was asking oh okay okay cool i said i hate to fly i'm gonna get on the big

the big fucking metal bus that flies and go the metal tube and not a bus

let me check them and see if any more super chats donations came through youtube before we

wrap up the show here so i give people their proper shout outs for that and thanks

uh yes inspector ratchet donated and said get well soon love you carlitas machines

Machines, thank you very much, Mr. or Miss Inspector Ratchet.

Because a woman can be an inspector, too, a sexy inspector.

You know, like a librarian, like, looking like Carmen Sandiego and shit.

I would fuck the shit.

Very, very, very short trench coat.

Oh, man, if I ever cut Carmen Sandiego, I would fuck the shit out of her.

She's always making plans and then leaving, and then you've got to find her.

Is there any Carmen Sandiego, like, porn, like, animated, anti?

There should be.

Well, let me look for you, and I'll get back to you.

Find out, yeah, get back to me on that.

big david also said super chat thank you he says everyone please remember to open your hearts and

donate to dwight's paypal let's make sure his family has a nice bologna christmas dinner

nice very good uh david big david so there you go hey you gotta donate to donate to me

to tell people to donate to dwight that don't make any sense but thanks that works yeah man

Man, this is where we all get a cut.

All right, cool.

Nice.

All right.

Let me try to call that angry Indian guy again real quick here.

Thanks for wrapping things up.

As I keep saying.

Have you guys figured it out that I'm getting ready to end the show here?

Thanks for being on, Dwight.

Also, I appreciate it.

It always helps out when I get some help.

It's smelly right now, man.

I haven't gotten in the shower since I got back from the gym yet.

I appreciate that.

Thanks.

You take a shower right after this.

It'll feel good.

Thank you for calling.

How can I help you?

Yeah, can I make an order, please?

Sure, sir.

Okay.

One bench hot?

Uh, no.

We're all for dinner.

Same call.

We're all for dinner.

Money.

Oh, I was hoping he was saying this again.

She said that this is a guy that called about vagina.

She said the same call.

Uh, nice.

We'll call a different one.

This is going to be the last call of the night.

Fortunately or unfortunately, whatever the case may be,

because we have voicemail and such to get to.

Parting shots.

Thoughts? Parting thoughts?

Hi, thank you for calling Rams Indian Kitchen.

Please give your message after the tone.

Who's in Georgia?

All right, here's another one of them bistros.

Thank you for calling Rams Indian Kitchen.

Please give your message after the tone.

Is that the same one?

Thank you. Bye now.

My bad. All right, I'll try one more.

Told why your call is being connected.

This call may be recorded for quality control.

Hi, let's make an order right now.

Let's make an order right now.

For pickup.

yeah one chicken tikka marsala let me just open the system can you hold on one second

sex sex sorry sex yeah go ahead sex sorry what you know what this sex is don't say sex to me

well i will not open the system now goodbye last one last one last one that's what you always say

they ain't gonna work this one's called the aroma fine indian cuisine aroma that's the aroma

oh man come on man

i'm getting a lot of forbidden air which i think usually means i'm out of calling credit

and uh i mean it's not that i can't afford it right now but i'm not gonna take the time to do

that for just for a few minutes yeah so now that's that's the show do i don't want to let

you go thanks for joining man bye i'll catch you so you're doing a show saturday i'm presuming

correct that's so on time yeah and if anyone's interested maybe i'll do i don't know movie later

or something oh yeah movie time yeah all right look out for that over at discord.gg slash pranks

yeah all right see you later that's dwight mcclanahan thanks for joining i want to thank

dwight as i said for joining and helping out also want to thank parkman for sending in numbers

also the person on facebook who sent the indian numbers very good job that that worked out very

Very well.

Very good.

Sent those in.

I won't give out the last name.

I really think someone else sent more numbers and I didn't get to them.

If that's the case, I apologize.

Also, Mikey, Mike from the Bronx sent in that number for the Knicks.

I did that.

Oh, yeah.

There was someone who sent in a Tourette's hotline or something.

I'll have to get to that next week.

That was Georgina sent in that number.

I didn't get to it and can't call out any longer for the rest of the night.

So we're going to call it.

But thank you.

you thank you very much very very everyone be sure to head over to madhouse live.com subscribe

to the podcast there you'll be able to get this show also patreon.com slash madhouse support the

show please support me help me make it to the meetup in california the silicon valley one

it's in san jose because it's going to be march 14th 2019 uh many many members of the prank call

community are meeting together we have a venue getting lined up here some kind of barcade

uh dwight will be there as you mentioned also people like uh matt hillock is due to join in

jen stewart said he might make the flight he's pending but he might make it uh big zacks from

the uk is going to be coming in he's the co-host of party time with matt that's kind of exciting

brad carter's going to try to make it he's still pending also hopefully he does hopefully he does

and i'm going to make an effort to get out there i really would like to meet you all

we had a great time in chicago and over the summer when we met up in the late summer and

it looks like we got a bigger crowd this time around so looking forward to that yeah

like all the california cats will be there so like the phone

brothers will be there dom the bomb will be there presuming strange life will show up that'll be

great i don't know if wasted memory is gonna come i think he was talking about that anyway

milkman even maybe i'll be talking to maybe milkman will talk to me and we'll be able to

you know move on i don't know listen anyway so patreon.com slash madhouse become a one dollar

horse member, $1 militia subscriber, supporter, and you get instant access to shows. So for

example, this show, after I sign off here in a few seconds, in a few minutes, it'll be uploaded

to a Dropbox folder. And as a $1 militia member, you get access to that folder and you'll be able

to download that show. You can listen to the show immediately if you missed it or want to

re-hear it. You don't have to wait for me to edit the podcast and get it out because that

That usually takes a while.

It takes like a week or less.

I try to do it less.

I try to do it within three or four days, but I can't always do that.

Be sure to check out YouTube, youtube.com slash Madhouse Radio.

Madhouse YouTube channel is there.

You can find links to that at madhouseside.com.

But I have prank calls of the week.

I take the best calls out of every episode, and I create a shorter, much more condensed version of the Madhouse product.

It's just the prank calls, just the good prank calls from every episode.

And there were quite a few of them in this show, so I'm excited.

We're going to have the good prank calls of the week for this week.

And look for a new one to make it here in the next 24 hours.

It should be finished uploading and posted by then.

Be sure to join hijinks.fun slash pranks.

Hijinks.fun slash pranks.

That is the Discord server where you can chat with the general prank call community.

I think that's about it.

I need to get going.

Shit, I didn't play voicemails, did I?

I've got time.

Hang on.

Let's play a couple voicemail here.

Not bad.

A lot of people put a lot of thought and heart into these voicemails.

and I want to make sure that they're acknowledged for doing that.

We're going to be playing it over some music.

So I'm going to be playing voicemails to get us out of here,

to lead us out, rather.

Y'all have a good week, a good weekend.

Tune in to Dwight on Saturday night.

It starts about this time on Saturday, 10 p.m. Eastern on Saturdays.

All right, peace out.

No, you can't.

Happy weather.

Big Jack TV.

So, Cross, how are you?

All right, I don't know.

Yeah, I love when you do the bowling alley.

You're, like, calling about the booty max and whatnot.

not or you're calling off some random shit and just bowling alley effects are in the background

this fucking wacky yeah all right what am i man fucking a lot all right i don't know what are you

jack thanks jack thanks for calling in brother hey carlito bye that's slow elvis hey carlitos

joshua woody uh just wanted to say that uh you know i'm on the road a lot i have a lot of shit

days and uh this is you makes the day a lot better it makes it go by faster too i just want to say

Thanks for everything.

Keep up the awesome work.

Appreciate it.

Thanks, Big Jerch.

Careful driving out there, man.

Use your high beams when you need to use them, but don't blind other drivers.

Thank you.

Call me So Elvis.

Yeah, that's me.

I got another name for you.

You son of a chicken shit.

What?

Horse machine, chicken ranch.

What?

Horse machine son.

You motherfucker.

Anyway, man, I appreciate it.

Right.

Hey, I like it.

I got a prank call.

So Elvis.

I got to now that you gave me a handle.

so what the fuck it's so hard man um don't play this shit all right all right my bad i'll stop

playing it you left a message i'm gonna play it bro all right here's another one this is slow

alphas again the funniest shit you ever did was call that motherfucker joey cunning or the fuck

Fuck the faggots.

Fucking, I'm sorry, London's faggots.

Um, let me get you.

Call that fucker and he wouldn't answer.

What?

So please call him again.

That'd be my Christmas present.

And I'll send y'all a Christmas present.

Have very, some very, very special plan.

Please park the post office and not box down.

I already have the address for the chickens.

I don't know where the, what the fuck?

Before you talk to us.

I don't know what you're talking about, Slow Elvis.

I don't know who you're talking about.

It sounds like a hoot.

I'll gladly call that for your Christmas present.

You got like two weeks to call again and let me know more clear, Slow Elvis.

And I will.

I'm glad you enjoy your name, your handle.

Oh, yes.

How are you?

Oh, my Lord.

This is quite tense.

What I'm looking at right now.

I see OJ.

Is I'm looking at the van and I see OJ kind of slouching down, looking very, very upset.

Now, look at him.

He looks very upset.

I don't know what he's going to be doing.

He is just sitting around, you know, looking like he'd be very nervous.

Yes, just too much commotion.

I'd be in the back of a news van, so I can't really hear that good, but I can see it all.

O.J.

I see O.J., man.

He looks scared.

I would be scared because this guy's all up in this big city.

I'm going to boo you, T-Doll.

That's a good, pretty on point there, man.

Let me play a little bit of the actual ICOJ call.

It seems perfectly clear that Cowling wants everybody to be calm.

I have a script for that?

Was that the real ICOJ caller?

That was good.

That was on point.

Come on, let's get to it.

I remember how mad I was that they were preempted in the next game for this bullshit.

I'm going to ask everybody to be quiet for a moment.

We have on the phone with us as well Robert Higgins, who lives in the neighborhood and is on the ground and can see inside the van.

Mr. Higgins.

Oh, yes.

Just about as tense as you are.

Oh, my Lord, this is quite the tenseness.

What can you see?

What I'm looking at right now is I'm looking down.

Can you see him doing anything specific?

Is he merely sitting there?

He is just sitting around, you know, just looking like he...

Can you hear anything, Mr. Higgins?

It's just too much.

I'd be in a bad news van, so I can't really hear that good O.J.

Thank you, Mr. Higgins.

And ba-ba-booey to y'all.

The driveway of O.J. Simpson's home in...

Let's hear what's-his-face gets on here now, the sports guy.

Just saying now, in case you didn't know, that man left a coded message for a certain radio show.

...to have him come out of the vehicle, in the doorway of the house, his friend, Al Cowling.

Peter, by the way, just for the record, this is Al Michaels.

That was a totally farcical call.

Lest anybody think that that was somebody who was truly across the street.

That was not.

He said something in code at the end that's indicative of the mentioning of the name of a certain radio talk show host.

so he was not there all right we have them on every coast thank you very much

you got you got baba booey you got howard stern that's a fail motherfucker rest in peace though

dude what was his name the abc reporter he's dead he killed himself he didn't kill himself

he killed himself with cigarettes he had quit smoking for like a good 20 years and then 9-11

happened he was on the air for like almost 24 hours reporting it 9-11 happened and he smoked

the cigarette and he got hooked back on on it and then he died i believe he died of emphysema

who am i talking about peter jennings he was a good journalist yeah hey there one of the most

popular american playwrights his innovative drama and sense of lyricism were a major force

in the post-war american theater died february 25th 1983 at the young age of 71 he was found dead

about 10.45 a.m. in his suite.

Tennessee Williams suffered death by bottle cap.

Apparently, the playwright used eye drops a lot

and had bent his head back to drop some in his eyes

when the cap, which was still on,

fell off and got lodged in his throat, causing death.

Are you kidding?

Nah, he got murdered by some Illuminati Bilderberg motherfuckers.

Thanks, obituary guy.

Last one.

Welcome to God.

Hello.

Hey.

Hello.

Holy shit, call back.

Oh, hey.

Call up on the number.

Okay, legend.

The number on your screen.

I can't, legend.

Show's over.

Show's over, old man.

All right, everyone.

For real now.

I'm done.

Peace out.

Have a good weekend.

See you later.

MadhouseLive.com.

Doe for your donation.

Thank you, John.

Doe for your donation and your message of labia.

Thank you.

And I'm sorry, YouTube.

You didn't get to hear any of those voicemails.

What a dick I am.

What a penis.

Calls (33, 1 h 40 min of 2 h 41 min)

Transcript

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