Mader Tongue

Sir, don't say abuse language.

Excuse me?

You stupid?

You know what?

You're being very rude, and I don't want to speak to you again.

So you can call when I'm not working.

So you can call tomorrow.

I'm in the streets listening to Madhouse Live.

I hope my speech can compete with that bad mouth style that we get from Carlito.

That's my big amigo.

So just kick back to listen to this cat call.

People, when this show goes live, I'll be like, damn, this shit's bitchin'.

Stop whatever I'm doing to tune in and listen.

You can catch me in the back of his home at Horse Machine Ranch Road

I'm busting mad fat flows for assholes and banchos

My spit crazy, shout out to Big Amy, that's nice honey baby

We kissing pussies, so ladies such a labia

It's crazy how the stuff that my bruh might save ya

Face it cause it's the number one prank cast

Stay back if you can't handle all the straight laughs that we hand to your dome

And if you want, call the number, you can listen to this show on the go

Big up to the man in the madhouse

Ah, attention all shoppers, associates, and management.

I would like to say to all of you today that nobody should work here. Ever.

Our managers will make promises and never keep them.

And not only that, they will preach to us about how they care about their employees.

but about a month ago my boss assistant manager Cora called me a waste of time

and management did nothing to help management will also try and save money

every step of the way including cutting benefits of a part-time or a full-time

associate down to put down to part-time even though he worked 40 plus hours a

week I've been a loyal employee here for over a year and a half and I'm sick

of all the bullshit bogus write-ups and my job fuck management fuck this job

fuck Walmart a lot of bullshit talk I know that much this isn't bullshit my

my friend. Do you know something? Don't listen. What do you know? Maybe I do, and maybe I don't.

What I say is they got no business negotiating. We ought to be going back in there with a bullet

for everybody in the yard. Oh, is that right? We do it now, we do it later. Later ain't gonna be

no use. Am I right, Al? Now, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute, Frank. We got a lot of angry guys

in there. Black Muslims, Panthers, Young Lords. Besides you, the average antisocial. So we gotta

Got to go in, right?

Clean your clocks.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is amazing.

Santa Clara Target Store.

Our hours have changed for the holidays.

Specific holiday hours.

Please go to Target.com or the Target app.

For hours and location information, press 1.

To reach a specific department, press 2.

To speak to someone in the pharmacy, press 3.

Sorry, I didn't get that.

For hours and location information, press 1.

To read the specifics for electronics, press 1.

For guest services, press 2.

Grocery.

Can I help you?

Yeah, hi.

I'm calling here because there's a complaint.

Let me get you the LOD.

Hold on, please.

I'm printing it out.

I'm printing it out right now.

This is a serious complaint.

I'm very upset.

Put you on hold and she's going to pick it up.

What's taking so long?

She has to get to a phone.

I'm typing this up.

What was your name?

My name's Amanda.

Amanda? Amanda. A-M-A-N-D. Hang on. N-D-A. Okay. And you said that she's trying to find a phone?

She's going to get to a phone. Yes, sir. She is going to... I'm going to put you on break now.

Hang on. Hang on. Get to a phone.

They're going to be worth it.

For calling the Target store, our hours have changed for the holidays.

To view specific holiday hours, please go to Target.com or the Target app.

I don't have a viewer.

How am I going to view if I don't have a viewer?

For hours and location information, press 1.

To reach a specific department, press 2.

To speak to someone in the pharmacy, press 3.

For electronics, I'll help you.

Hello?

people hello yeah hi good evening target sir hi i'm sorry she wasn't able to pick up can you hold

and i'll try again who's this this is amanda didn't you just call yes did you just call about

the complaint yeah but i mean this is taking a long time and i'm just adding i'm i'm putting

another fee against you now and this is this one's going against you personally what's your id

number i'm not giving that to you i don't know who you are i'm with the machine oh the machine

Great. That's fantastic.

Calling from the main machine here in town.

What main machine?

The main machine.

You wouldn't know because you're not management.

You're lowborn.

You're very rude.

I don't want to complain about you.

What's your number?

Well, you have a right to file an appeal claim, complain if you want.

Okay. Well, what's your name?

My name is Cross.

Cross?

Yeah.

Do you still want to speak to the LOD?

Well, does the LOD know how to use a phone?

And it's a woman you're saying, right?

Yes.

Is that what the problem is?

You know what?

You're being very rude, and I don't want to speak to you again.

So you can call when I'm not working.

So you can call tomorrow.

Is she taking care of her monthly?

All right.

I can call tomorrow.

I can do what I want.

Thank you for calling this road Target store.

That's not it.

Because I called another one in the meantime that hung up when you heard.

I think it was this one.

Thank you for calling the Target store.

Our hours have changed for the holidays.

Dot com for electronics.

One.

She hung right up.

She just picked up and hung up.

Wow.

hi everyone it's carlita my name that's my name i do a prank call radio television show

it's called madhouse live my website is madhouse live.com go there now if you haven't been there

before please subscribe to my podcast there's links right there subscribe using itunes or

pocketcast whatever you use for your podcast there's simple easy to use links there i also

We also have a 24-7 prank call radio show station, broadcasting 24-7.

It's available using the TuneIn Radio app, as well as many others, including Stitcher.

And you can also use just about anything that gets internet radio.

We'll pick it up.

You can even use your Amazon Alexa device to say, Alexa, play Madhouse Prank Call Radio.

Thank you for your time, for indulging me for that.

You know, I wasn't even prepared.

I don't even know what to do, guys.

I just wanted to do a show.

I just wanted to talk to y'all and be here.

I'm blessed here to be with y'all tonight.

So I just typed Target and Google Maps and picked the city and started calling.

Started getting numbers.

But hey, so I played during the intro there, intro machine, intro cycle to the show.

I played a sound clip of this Indian guy cursing from the last show, the show from last week.

It's right here.

We'll play it right now.

Let's all listen.

all right so we're gonna play i'm just let me just try this i've been thinking about doing

this all week i've been saving it for now i've got the same list that i was using the call

last week it's a massive list which came in from one of the facebook listeners i don't recall who

it was but i can find out to give props again i gave due props on the last show but i'm i am

apologizing now for not remembering your name now because i forget things let me start our music

program for tonight just one moment please we got other links to give out i've got other links to

give out there's no we here i've got other links to give out and such and i will do so later

anyway here's the first of those indian restaurants and we'll play that clip i just want to see what

happens i'm gonna try a few of them hopefully at least one of them is funny found not working so

yes broadcasting for the first time tonight on facebook live there's been a spate of youtube

uh channels getting uh hit and suspended my channel has not been suspended but i did get

hit with a strike which has taken away my ability to stream on youtube live for three months until

till March. So I decided fuck it

and I'll try Facebook Live instead

for that period of time. And I figure we can

play music on Facebook Live as far as I know

so I'm pumping the regular

raw feed right through it. So I don't need

to say anymore, if you want to hear the music

because of YouTube, you can go over

make sure you go over to the

other channels that you can listen on. But

no. Now the music plays with

the video for the next three months.

Maybe longer, YouTube. Maybe

I'll find somewhere else to go. Some greener

pastures.

hello okay i think he replied with a quick curse maybe there i don't know i don't i want to hear

Here's some cursing back.

I'm trying to capture the hate that hate begets

and then play that to people.

Please hold while your call is being connected.

This call may be recorded for quality control.

Okay, okay.

So when did it start costing so much to replace a starter in a call?

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

Hello, Majinia?

Biden sent a madarchod, Indian chocke.

Tere gaan marunga, tera number hai mere paas.

Zyada natak maka na, bohsode, tere madarchod.

they just hang up maybe they know it's a recording okay so lee this is it this is leela this is the

one where the guy was that talked to me like this so at the very least this will sound to someone

who works there like the boss best case scenario it'll be the guy and he'll hear himself and he'll

get very angry and know it is me wish us luck here people wish me luck

Same to you, same to you, same to you.

Okay, motherfucker, you?

Hey.

Excuse me, what did you say, the N-word?

Did you say that?

Did you say the N-word, sir?

You know, your people are monkey dirty people, you know that?

Well, I'm taking down this number, and I'm calling the cops right now.

You know what, you're dirtier than China?

I'm calling the cops.

Yeah, I'm calling the cops right now.

Why?

Oh, someone said bad words to me in some language.

Oh, my mother tongue, my mother tongue.

Mother tongue.

There's a contender for title of the show, Mother Tongue.

If more of these pan out.

How many of these did he send me?

Or she?

Oh, my God, there's a ton.

There's like a good 30, 40, 50 Indian restaurants here.

i think i only did like eight of them last week less and i was pushing it all right we'll get

i'll get bored of this in a minute but for now do do you know thank you for calling my express

at yorkdale mall sorry we are unable to take your call right now please leave your name and number

we will get back to you at the town i didn't send a mother i don't want to leave a mother

message it's just not that funny because we're going to end up hearing it 20 more times tonight

night alone it's got to be chopped up further i haven't had a chance to do that i'm just gonna

let axman do it this is a little bitch-ass dude

oh hey milky dwight milky dwight milky goo

Yeah, I'm co-chair of the Pen15 Club. How are you?

Oh, good. Pen sitting? You sit on pens?

No, yeah, Pen15. Pen penis.

Oh, yeah. Oh, Pen15. Shut up.

I don't want it.

I'm watching you on Facebook. A dirty old man peeking through your window.

Everyone who doesn't know, this is Matt Hillock on the line right now.

He's the host of Party Time Saturday Nights.

Let me get a beer.

Come on, peacock.

The mailbox belonging to Amaya Express is in a Canadian place.

You cannot accept new messages at this time.

I'm trying to hang up.

I can't see the mouse.

All right, next.

You know, I tried calling just a minute ago there, and it's a Google Voice,

and you couldn't even leave voicemails.

What happened?

I don't know.

I didn't know that was the problem.

Your greeting message is like, Google Voice.

Please hold.

Your call is being connected.

The call may be recorded for quality control.

Shit, man, I didn't know that was a problem.

I don't know, right?

I'm the old bitch where a guy is supposed to leave a message.

God!

He did.

He did earlier today.

He got through.

Maybe you're stupid.

I think we'll be.

Maybe you're out.

He laughed, at least.

why aren't you watching live pd i got bored with the show man yeah i see you watching cnn right

there i see it can you tell it's cnn it usually comes up oh yeah what are they i don't even know

it says president's under fire yeah bill clinton and his uh his bullshit i did not i did not have

sex with that woman somebody else's semen on there that's not mine i did not have sex with

dude uh there was there was a uh was it what network was it had a monica

had a clinton special they actually had monica on for a few like a cnn do no it wasn't no no no

there was a different who was it was it a and e i think had a it was like a three part yeah

it was yeah the clinton affair is what they called it or something like that yeah it was

It was pretty good. The Monica Lindsay stuff was pretty crazy.

Yeah, yeah, what a shit person, what a shit people.

Yeah, Trump is worse.

Please hold while your call is being connected.

This call may be recorded for quality control.

When Clinton died, when Clinton lied, no one died.

Biden sent a mother to an Indian.

Chuckie, I'm going to kill your song. I have your number.

I don't know, but this song is making me feel extra fucking sexy.

What song?

It was a music plan

The music now?

Oh, you were stuck on hold, sir?

I'm sorry

Yeah

I'm sorry

Oh, yeah

I do that sometimes

I don't pay attention

There it is again, huh?

I gave it to you, you fucking motherfucker

I pinched my nipples when you did it, too

Why don't you get on Skype so we can clear the line, asshole?

Because I'm an asshole

Hello?

Hi there

Hi, I'd like to make an order

Sure, for pickup?

Yeah

Sure, can I have your order, please?

Okay, like one butter chicken?

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Uh, one CTM.

A chicken tikka masala.

Uh-huh.

Spicy.

Very spicy, please.

Sure, sir.

Okay, I'm going to put my friend Sanjay on the line.

Sure.

Okay.

Alright, enough of that.

I've gotten tired.

I've gotten bored.

Hello?

Dwight?

Dwight come in Dwight. What do I hung up? Oh because I was being rude to him and I said won't you call sky disaster?

Hey cheese boy

Alright, I got you now. Thanks for your singing along

Oh, yeah, I know you like this kind of music right you like the brothers

Yeah

Yeah, I know you like touch door. Hey, you don't like the touch door handles after they've used it

You told me that once in confidence

That's too bad.

No, you don't do that.

What a chicken factory.

How may I help you?

Hi, we'd like to make an order.

For pickup?

Yeah.

What's your name?

Horse.

Horse, what's your order?

One chicken caruso.

One chicken?

Yeah, one chicken caruso.

Pardon?

Chicken caruso.

Chicken caruso?

Yeah.

We don't have any chicken caruso.

You don't have that chicken caruso?

You have butter chicken, right?

Yeah, we have butter chicken.

We don't have any chicken caruso.

In the name of dish, we don't have any chicken caruso.

It's easy? Okay. Do you have chicken 65?

No, we don't have chicken 65 also.

Okay. Do you have any mulagatani soup?

Yes, we have soup.

Okay. It's good lentils or from the can or from the bags?

It's from the bags.

Okay, good. And you soak it overnight?

Pardon?

You soak the beans overnight or how do you, what do you do with the beans?

We just boil it and we just give it.

Just boil? Okay. And then you add, do you add cilantro?

No.

What do you add? Tomato?

Yeah, we have, we'll garnish with cilantro if you want.

Okay, and what, how does the malagatani soup make with what else?

With what else?

The beans, what goes with the beans?

No, we just, we just boil the yellow lentil, and we just cook it, and we just decorate it with cilantro.

Okay, alright, do you, do you put your little penis in there and pee a little bit?

No, no, we don't use any peanuts.

Uh, what about, like your, your pecker?

Pecker?

Yeah.

What is pecker?

It's the part for the body for the woman that you put in the woman, you know

Come on, dial.

Hello, Butter Chicken Factory. How can I help you?

Yeah, I'm sorry. We got disconnected. I wasn't making an order.

Yeah, yeah.

All right, One Butter Chicken.

Okay, what...

May I have your phone number?

I'll just take it. The system has been like...

Okay.

One Butter Chicken, mild, medium, or spicy?

Spicy.

I didn't send a mother to the Indian chocolate.

I'll hit your song. I have your number.

Yeah.

one one uh molagatani soup okay listen but when you when you go to the bathroom you wash your

hands right at this point yeah people you're you're clean people what are you talking well

i want to make sure it's clean people like are there any dalits there no no no uh we're talking

about the caste system in india dalits are the lowest of the caste system they're dirty

never enough there dwight you know yeah that's what they said in those tootsie pop commercials

too how many looks does it take to get to the center the world may never know what did you're

really off tonight dwight are you sure you want to do this i know i'm good you're messing up we're

calling comfort in this is something you feel comfortable with in a peg airport where your

Your stay is 100% satisfaction guaranteed.

Again.

To get, enter their room number now.

Yeah.

Your big business card for the general manager.

I always try 215.

What was ours?

When we went, what was that?

Like something, something 90.

That's right.

Thank you for calling the company.

I want a big shout out.

Gerald speaking.

How can I help you?

Yeah, can I have, please have room 212.

212, hold the line, please.

Thank you.

From home this holiday season, we're the perfect place to stay and celebrate the season's

festivities.

will be happy to reserve your room when we return to the line this is a pleasure make the comfort in

winnipeg south your home away from home our updated hotel is 100 smoke-free and offers all

the amenities you deserve i'm sorry the person you're trying to reach is unavailable at this

time begin speaking after the tone then hang up when you are finished or press any key never checks

Text their hotel room voicemail, right?

Come on.

I know I did when we were in Chicago, and it was Matt fucking Hillock on there.

Yeah.

Mention that we follow suit.

For your convenience, free wireless Internet access is available in all our...

Yeah.

Thank you for calling Travelers and Puggies.

How may I help you?

All right.

I'd like to speak when we're on 230, please.

Okay.

Hi there.

Hello.

Did you say 230?

230?

Yeah.

We don't have anyone staying in 230.

Is it 213, then?

We don't have any room with 213.

You go, how do you go, 230 and up then, 230?

Can I get the last name of the guest?

Well, I'm with transportation.

They didn't tell me, you know.

Fucking shit.

Because we don't have anyone in 230.

What was your name?

Herman.

Herman?

Herman.

Yeah?

I'm making a report about you right now.

Now, Herman said that I said the F word.

Let me speak to Herman.

I didn't say anything, sir.

Yeah, but this is because I'm going to get in trouble if I don't pick them up.

So I got to put down if something happened, it wasn't my fault.

I'm going to put down you said the F word.

Herman.

I didn't say anything.

I just said that we don't have anyone staying in 230, and there's no room for, I guess, 213.

Yeah, I know.

If you have a last name, I can get the last name.

They don't give me a last name.

You know, they just sit cold to 30 and they don't maybe they had the wrong hotel or film. Well, I

Sir don't say abuse language

But I just meant to say because people got confused in travel laws and theft laws if they meant to say that

Well, it's called theft laws threat laws. Yeah, theft laws threat law or a threat. What are you trying to say?

What did she say, woman?

Treft lodge.

Okay.

I didn't send a mother .

Indian .

.

all right whatever please sir do not say abuse language

she was at your mercy what voice is that i was doing

I'll do.

Yeah, all you got to tell me is fucking transportation.

I'll do.

Oh, God.

Oh, see, you said F word.

Herman.

Herman, let me speak to Herman.

Thank you for calling Super 8.

Your call may be recorded or monitored for quality purposes.

Come on, extension.

Reservation, Jermaine speaking.

How can I help you?

Yeah, I need to talk to a room.

I ain't got time to be waiting on the phone.

I'm sorry?

I ain't got time to wait to be on the phone.

I got to talk to the room.

Mm-hmm.

Do you know how the phone works?

No, sir.

How do you...

What?

What is that again?

Room 233.

Yes, it's on the hotel already.

You need to call the...

Excuse me?

You stupid?

I want transportation.

Hear me.

What?

I want transportation.

I'm putting down...

I'm going to make a report on you.

You say the F word to me.

No, I did not.

Well, I'm putting it down that you did.

What are you gonna do about it? You can't do shit motherfucker. What was your name? I'm sorry

What's your name? I'm writing you down. I'm putting you in a computer. I'm putting it off right now. You call me

Yeah, the voice is too much it's too much good to see an American voice now

I was going to say you said that before.

I can't believe they would do that.

Well, I can.

I can.

...the Rivercrest Inn.

You have reached the hotel general mailbox.

God damn it.

The office is currently closed.

If you know the extent...

Closed?

Really?

Dude, you can't close a hotel office.

You got a pistol for sale.

Let's call and wake them motherfuckers up.

They don't want a fucking pistol, motherfucker.

I want to shoot it in the air.

Check on Facebook.

What's going on over there?

Please leave a message.

Call back later.

Fuck.

I will return your message as soon as possible.

Shit.

I don't want to do a show anymore.

Airport Motor Inn.

The Airport Motor Inn.

The most reasonable room rates.

And now on the web at airportmotorinn.ca.

Please listen carefully and select one of the following options.

If you know the room number of the person you're trying to reach, please enter it now.

Yay.

You are being transferred to 2-3-3.

I knew you'd be earnestly upset by this, and so unfortunately that had to happen before.

That extension is not valid.

Please try again.

Again, you are being transferred to two, three, four.

That extension is not valid.

Please try again.

Give me a valid extension.

You are being transferred to a guest.

That mailbox is full and cannot accept any new messages.

Please try again at another time.

Do I have to redial?

Probably.

You are being transferred to reservations.

Dwight, you got to do the calls too, you know.

You can't just sit there.

Oh, this is the kind of hotel where people just move in and make themselves a home.

You hear that?

They're like, I'm going to have my own custom voicemail.

Wow, that's pretty ghetto.

I like this.

you know yeah come on bring me my crack rock i'm sorry the person you're trying to reach is

unavailable at this time begin speaking after the tone press any key when you report hey if you got

listen i'm so i gotta get calls going here if you want to join the show 405-396-6884 405-396-6884

oh yeah the audio from the phone did stop working now what did i do damn it i did disconnect now

And what a terrible, horrible show.

We finally came.

Catastrophe.

Go fuck yourself.

Damn it.

Fucking great.

Fixed it.

Back to the hotel.

See if we can get at least one person in the hotel to pick up.

This is the last attempt at this hotel.

Then I'll try another one.

If you got numbers, if you got any idea for numbers, do it.

Right.

And now.

I'll find you some numbers over here.

Let me know, motherfucker.

Here.

One of the following officers.

You are being transferred to a guest.

Hey, caller.

You're on the air, but we're on a call.

Don't be nice.

i'm sorry yeah carlito what's up on the phone oh man hey caller you're on the air i'm carlito hi

hey what's going on carlito hey you know just here just you know sitting down trying to get

you recognize the voice uh is this big ethan that's right yeah see i'm good i'm good i can't

i'm really bad with voices too and i remember that how you been where you been what's going

on why are you angry what's the matter hold on one second alexa shut up that i'm listening

I'm listening to you on the Alexa machine.

Ah, I hear you.

No, everything's good, man.

I'm engaged, moved to a new place, so thank you for that.

All right, yeah, yeah.

Can't be on the phone too, too long.

I'm sitting on the couch with the lady, and we're about to finish our TV show.

Okay, nice, nice.

And she says hello.

Hey, lady.

Hi, Mrs. Ethan.

What show are you watching?

I put you on speaker.

You say hi again.

Hi.

Hi, hello, Ethan's lady.

Hi.

Hi, what show are you guys watching?

How are you doing?

Good, thank you.

What show are you guys watching?

Prison Break.

Prison Break, wow.

Oh, it's a good one, man.

It's a good show, man.

Did you watch the new season?

Can I throw a request in?

Thank you for calling the San Jose East Target Store.

Our hours have changed for the holidays.

For electronics, press 1.

We're going to see if they have Lavia TVs.

Yeah, yeah, Lavia TVs.

Ask your girl how many fingers.

how can i help you yeah i have a problem here okay i'm calling from the main machine

and we got a labia tv over there okay okay and it doesn't open

inside i'm not okay so you have a tv that doesn't open yeah it's a labia okay yeah do you know what

the labia is no um give me one quick second let me just get somewhere where i can hear you a little

little bit better okay stupid that's my fault this is gonna take a long time i'll call back

thank you for calling the san jose east target store our hours have changed for the

electronics hang on what were you saying go ahead now's a good time to say joey guns joey

guns oh yeah yeah yeah it's been a while they're not answering at the start at the starbucks at

the star wars starbucks i was trying to say okay now let's not go target didn't want to answer

chicken this is joey good hey is joey there i hear right now no okay i was just to follow up

with him because we're gonna i'm gonna be proposing to my girlfriend there it was supposed

to be for this weekend he was gonna put a mattress somewhere there in the back for us

well can i ask you if it's gonna be possible then yeah um i really don't know i don't work

Yeah, he was going to put a mattress in a room over there

so I could pork her after.

Check the labia also, all right?

All right, check your face.

All right.

We'll probably get put on hold for a long fucking time.

Have you talked to Larry lately?

In Tool World?

Yeah.

Let's see if he's working tonight.

I think he moved up in the world, and he works like an early shift, but I could try.

Where is this at?

It's been a while.

That was, let's think, the 2014 years, a few weeks ago.

Honolulu.

He's Lowe's, right?

Not Home Depot.

He's Lowe's.

Yeah, it's Lowe's for me.

Thank you for calling Lowe's.

Para instrucciones en espanol, marque 3.

For directions to the store, press 1.

For store hours, press 2.

To reach a department directly, press 5.

Or to speak to the operator, press 0.

Oh, the presses are loud.

I'm hitting 5.

For information on deliveries, press 1.

For scheduled installations, press 2.

Commercial sales, press 3.

Appliances, press 4.

Lumber and building materials, press 5.

Flooring, press 6.

Hardware and tools, press 7.

For more department, press 8.

To repeat these options, press 9.

Or to speak with the transfer to hardware and tools, please hold.

Yeah, is this the manager?

Yes, how can I help you?

Okay, yeah, I was supposed to get with Joey over there about getting a mattress somewhere in the back.

I don't know anything about that, and it's a bar, and there's going to be no mattress there.

Well, no, it was just for where we're going to kind of do a, I was going to propose to my girl upstairs.

I don't know anything about it.

Who are you speaking with?

We're going to use like a private space there, you know, for me and my old lady to do some pork.

Sorry, don't want to bite up.

Thank you.

Well, come on.

Can I do something with you?

Thank you for calling Rose.

What are you talking about?

You're fucking angry.

For directions to the store, press 1.

For store hours, press 2.

To reach a department directly, press 5.

or to speak with the operator press zero transferring please hold yeah so you're from

like hr or something corporate you gotta see who's larry's working for insurance

information or something yeah something like that that's a workman's call big dwight on the phone

too yeah he's here what up big dwight what season of prison break are you watching

we're almost on the season one they're just about to break out it's my first time watching

Thank you for calling me.

And he paused it when you got it.

He paused it so we can call him.

I've seen it already.

Yeah, but your girl hasn't.

Maybe we can spoil it for her.

No spoilers.

All right, Dwight has sent in numbers.

If you have to go, you have to go.

It's okay.

Lowe's is not going down.

I'm moving on.

Dwight, you sent in some Craigslistes.

Thank you for serving.

Yes, yes.

Someone's looking for a new home, a dog machine for free

Nice, in Hawaii

Yeah, Carlito, I have a little something you can call

Okay

I'll message it to you

Alright

I'll give you a quick background

It's a lady with like 10 pets looking for a home

But she's a total skell

She has a part-time job

And she's crazy

So I'll Facebook you the number

Hello

Yeah, you got that dog machine?

Hello

Yeah, you got a Labrador dog machine?

I got a lab that I'm trying to get rid of.

Yeah, so I'm looking for that dog machine.

Why are you trying to get rid of him?

I'm actually moving out.

Where are you going to?

I'm going to Alabama.

Oh, wow, from Hawaii to Alabama?

Yeah.

Are you a Kineka, or are you Howie?

I'm actually Portuguese.

Oh, that's disgusting.

All right, so the dog has got all his current on all his vaccinations?

Yeah, I mean, the dog is eight and a half years old, so.

Yeah, but you have to get the vaccinations all the time, you know?

You have to be on top of it.

Uh-huh.

All right, does the dog have a sexual organ still?

Nope.

Okay, it doesn't have a penis either, or does it still have the penis?

Of course it's got a penis.

I think he's going to fucking piss.

Well, I don't know, because I had a dog once, and it had a problem with the penis, and it had to remove it.

Nope.

All right.

Well, why are you going to say vulgar words, motherfucker?

Go fuck yourself.

No, you fuck yourself.

why is this vulgar words why you gotta say that shit of course you gotta fucking pee

oh you're gonna piss my dog's overweight i'm looking at him right now he's defective

he's no homer i'll tell you that much your call has been forwarded to an automated voice

messaging system two two all right so did you send that number then ethan and right now he's a

bitch you'll like it yeah you gotta move in special for your room shared room yes we do

uh what's your name uh my name is cross how are you hey oh i'm not too good i gotta gotta move

out you know i hear you how soon you're trying to move into a place uh as soon as i can to be

honest with you but if i gotta you know chill in the cut somewhere else for a while and find

something permanent i'll go to a motel you know until it's right uh where are you right now where

are you where are you staying oh i'm in a van here in sherman oaks i'm still i guess i'm living in

in a van they kicked me out oh shit how old are you buddy i was 28 i was uh i was fucking my

roommate's girl he came in walked in on us and he got real mad and he picked up a folding table

and he broke it across my back and everything and the police got involved wow holy shit well

there's no girlfriends here you can fuck so no big deal oh good all right because there's a

gay play you want to come by you want to come by right now and check it no no no it's not a gay

house it's just all guys uh sounds like no house but all right whatever do you uh how many people

stay in there now if i could just ask a few questions first you know because it costs

absolutely how many people so how many how many men it's uh right now i think 10 11 11 guys but

there's four bedrooms most are actors filmmakers and musicians the only reason why we don't have

girls here it says it it causes too much drama you know girl guys and girls they start fucking

each other and they're fighting in the house we don't want that yeah and their periods and all

that you know yeah yeah all that it's yeah it's gross and you shouldn't we shouldn't us men we

should be together you know because we're we're all alpha males in our own way you know absolutely

right and yeah it just gets weird too you know uh how many toilets two bathrooms okay all right

right and are now when i am i able to share the toilet like if someone's taking a shower can i

is it all right if i shit in the toilet no yeah when someone's in the bathroom it's just very

locked in there in there there's two bathrooms though yeah but sometimes i mean 12 guys you

know in the mornings and all no they that that never happens no someone's showering they're

not opening the bathroom so someone can shit in there no all right uh what temperature you keep

Keep it in there.

Sorry, but the house, you mean?

Yeah, I'm a 72-degree kind of guy.

Well, it's right up your alley then, buddy, because it's 72 degrees in this house right now.

Oh, that's perfect.

All right, cool.

All right.

And do I get a bed?

Do I have to provide my bed?

No, it's furnished.

It's furnished, all right, because I see bunk beds.

All right, there's bunk beds in there?

Yeah, there's a bottom bunk open right now.

We have a full bottom bunk.

The next person that rents from me gets a bottom bunk.

the other two spots are top bunks oh uh bottom bunk is nicer right i think it's a little more

cavernous and it's a full bed too it's bigger oh wow it's a full bed wow yeah the bottom bunk's a

full bed another yep okay what's the masturbation rules in your own discretion your own time i don't

want to know about it okay i mean it's gonna happen and i'm a five time a guy five time a

day kind of guy you know just don't do in the room when fucking guys are next to you because

You'll probably get another table broke over your back.

Well, when they're sleeping and everything like that, right?

No.

How are they going to know?

Trust me, they'll know.

You're on a bunk bed, bro.

No, but I keep it quiet.

Your bed will shake.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Don't be...

All right, listen, I'm going to let you go, brother.

Take care.

Good luck.

No, come on, please.

Come on.

I'm doing it right now.

I can't stop.

All right, shit.

Brother.

Aspiring actors.

Gotta love L.A.

I have received your message.

Awesome.

Did you read it yet?

Please leave your message for me.

Reading it now.

Daniel Karen.

aaron i got the fu button from that guy oh shit uh call from a sale uh say i live on the fake

she has 10 pets she's a crazy german lady extra with fake titties probably drunk by now all right

she has a post on craigslist looking for someone to take her in just like oh please take me in

fuck yep and um you probably ask her if she has labia okay do you think she'll know what it is

Probably not.

Yeah, you'd be surprised how many women don't know what that is.

T-shirt to you, Ethan's girl.

Isn't there like a day in school where they covered all the windows in a room

so the boys could look in and it was just the girls in there

and they told you about all this?

Yeah, they point out what, but, you know, she's from Germany,

so she probably doesn't know what lady I mean in German.

They don't teach you.

I don't know.

I think it's a conservative kind of place.

All right, changing the caller ID as you have recommended.

I have hit the OK button.

That commits it.

Now I will type a 1, and I will paste, bring them back, and here we are.

Chances, you've got to throw in an old god filth in the background.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

I could try again.

Shamlippen is German for labia?

Shamlippen.

Wow.

Thank you.

That's nice.

I think that was Cactus Rider.

Someone said that.

Sweet.

Shamlippen.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

them i'm sorry kids they're not picking up i tried i tried thank you damn it thank you maybe

next time all right i'll clear the line you guys can get back to your thing and that'll clear it

for someone else but thanks for joining both you behave yourselves have a nice time oh yeah all

right invite me to the wedding i will gladly show up i'll entertain i'll see you guys later i was

actually just gonna say no honestly i was just gonna say because you know you know where i live

I'm not far from you.

Yeah.

It's going to be in the summer.

Would you actually show up?

I probably would.

I could find a way.

Yeah, sure.

Why not?

Yeah.

That'd be cool, you and your wife machine.

Yeah, I'll bring the old lady.

You've met her, too, and we'll hang out.

Yeah, cool.

And I'm going to crash the wedding and fuck all the bridesmaids.

Yeah.

Well, Dwight, are you going to have an open bar?

Open bar?

I'll bartend.

Dwight will bartend.

Nice.

All right.

Open bar.

I say, Dwight, if you actually wanted to come from your region, you know, I'm fine with it.

Fuck it.

Yeah.

All right.

There you go.

We're working out.

It's going to be in the summer, so.

We're going to make a big meet-up out of it.

We're having the next meet-up at your wedding.

We're going to fucking crash it.

Yeah, right.

Next.

It will be fun.

Next.

Yeah, exactly.

You better have a lot of food.

That's all I got to say.

All right.

Yeah, I think my family would be confused.

Your food budget is going to be fun.

All right.

See you guys.

All right.

Love you.

Love you out.

All right, those two are going to fuck tonight.

I know it.

Not without thinking about us first, though.

Tonight, it's going to be like this.

A lot of this right here.

She's just going to be screaming labia.

What am I doing wrong with the number?

Come on.

Work.

I got to pee, but you're going to get a lot of cranberry cheese.

That does to a man.

And do I.

Don't drink that.

I keep that.

Hey, dude, we got Green Bee fucking going to the meetup now.

Green Bee.

Get some Green Bee.

Don't take us on a tour of the Arby's at the local Arby's.

Grimby, I heard if you put peanut butter on your dick, you'll lick it off.

Oh, my God.

If you put it on your asshole, then he'll do it.

He's stupid.

Put peanut butter on your dick.

Is he working tonight?

So he didn't hear that.

I think he is working.

He's either working or he was going out with friends.

Not yet.

You had called her and tried to call her.

She had sent me a number for her B-dubs to call, and I'm finally getting to it now.

I

got a window open because it got hot in here now it's cold temperature over

there i got to like 40 today here well i'll find out echo what's the temperature outside 43 degrees

right now i'm on the part of you low 40 tonight that's what she said i have to say what's the

temperature outside because if i ask just what the temperature is it tells me what the temperature

because my thermostats hooked up to it for my ac heat yeah that's fucking fancy man i could tell

i'll be like hey alexa turn on the ac motherfucker and she's like okay yeah she doesn't i say it like

that too i don't give a shit uh sorry nadia they should they're probably closed it's my fault

although they should they're in california it's b-dubs come on there's some sports so i don't

is there a basketball basketball song tonight for 951 is that yeah that's kind of boring i'll try

again fuck it fuck it in the ass oh hey dave king wants to join on skype tonight i'm not remembering

i said i was gonna have a month and i forgot to have i hear there's a caller coming and i heard

it actually there was for a second and i missed it because i was looking at the screen shit yeah

they won't answer their nadia del culo cabrona they won't answer i listen guys listen to this

j dilla remix here while i go urinate i'll be right back i promise i'll be real fast

dwight you can tell them all about your day who you want shit my day went to the gym i went to

my mom's earlier too but yeah went to the gym i think carlito's peeing in a bottle you see how

he didn't get up out of that chair and like he just turned the uh the screen he turned the screen

off now he's pissing in a bottle pulling an ashby attach if he wants to know if i washed my ass i

I did wash my ass, and I cut my hair, and I shaved.

Let's see.

What's coming in on the old Facebook machine questions?

Dave King would like to see some pee coming out of Carl Levis' pants.

Check the Mixler.

What's in there?

Let's check for the number to call in.

Hello?

What happened?

I was reading questions.

Oh, Jesus.

People are trying to call in and can't get in.

Well, yeah, but I'm busy.

All right, here's a caller.

Hey, caller, I'm busy.

How can I help you?

Oh, hey, hey.

Hey, this is Matt Adder here.

Welcome to my tea party.

I just want to file a quick grievance.

Okay, what?

Yeah, so usually I leave our dogs, you know, listening to the NPR station,

and by the time I get home, they're like,

but I'm curious which asshole is on your side because now it's causing them discomfort.

Okay, so you play my show and they get discomfort?

Exactly, exactly.

Exactly, and I'm not sure if this is something I need to talk to my lawyer about

or if this is something that, you know, you can account for.

No, it's, it's, it might be the, they just have to take a big shit.

What you're going to do is you're going to give a little bit there,

you're going to take them outside, they're going to take the biggest shit

you ever saw them take, it's just going to clean them out.

It's good for their internal gut flora.

It's my, my voice has, yeah, they call, it's called the brown note.

It's called the brown note.

It's part of my voice.

Okay.

Yeah.

I thought it might be your co-host that's sitting in the background there.

Asshole?

Or Dwight, you mean?

I mean, yeah.

Yeah, whoever's supposed to clean all that shit up afterwards.

Dwight's the janitor.

He has a mop.

I've been elevated, though.

I'm in charge.

I just watch other people mop.

Yeah.

All right.

That sounds kind of like you have a title, but you don't actually have a different position.

Okay.

I'm not sure if I trust that.

Hey.

Long-time listener, first-time caller.

Good to talk to you.

Stupid people, you know?

You're stupid people, you know that?

This much is true.

Yeah, because why do you feed corn to ducks?

Because that's what they eat.

No, they don't eat corn.

They like bread.

Corn bread, maybe.

No, they can't have it.

Yes, they can.

Oh, my God.

It's a treat to give to ducks.

How excited would you be if it was your birthday, all right?

And they're like, oh, yeah, here's a salad.

here's your birthday salad and then there's no icing on the salad yeah it is yeah i want the

buttercream i want the buttercream yeah it's not on my salad it's the worst salad ever it's like

what it's like iceberg lettuce salad you know how would you feel legit to me yeah that's not that's

so cool like you've got bread crackers bread something with carbs like corn i mean corn is

carbs but they don't want that you know they're not they're not under my like immediate

immediate responsibility so you know who gives a fuck i mean i mean i care about the community

i come here you know i i care about the society but yeah fuck the ducks so why did you kick the

duck with everything you had like you did oh just to see how far i could get it oh all right you

know i just wanted to punt it you know what i mean quack quack quack quack quack yeah well

fucking yeah yay how are you guys doing you guys doing well everything good uh we're doing all

all right yeah we're looking forward to next year i'm trying to wind down this year but

yeah you know all things considered how are things going on your end you're doing a random show

i'm okay well i just i mean with some some jackass supervision no it's not random i was

supposed to do it last night and i'm on tonight or you just say my ideas are random or i don't

know what you're getting at oh no no no no uh you just came on late you just came on late and i

the AWOL. No, it was a 10 p.m. kind

of thing tonight. Go ahead. Dwight has a floor.

No, there is a... That was a good idea.

You guys were talking about no icing on the

salad. Dave King's right. That would be

a good prank premise. No icing

on a cake. There was no icing on my salad.

There's no icing on my... I want icing

on my salad. I want the royal

icing on my salad. I want a marble

salad. Thank you for calling

Party City Nimitz. This is Stephanie. How may

help you? Yeah, I want a...

I got a party coming up.

all right do you have the birthday stuff there yes we do we have birthday supplies

everything i need we have decorations plates and cups uh-huh all right all right do you have

napkins yes we do okay that's good to clean up after you know when you're eating all right and

if we're running a toilet paper you can use some of that too like in a in an emergency i i want to

order the cake then i want one cake one salad cake we do not you have salad then go ahead put

make a salad for me make a salad i want a salad with icing we don't sell any food items here

except for candy okay can you make a salad out of candy candy salad um one moment let me go ahead

and transfer you over to who to the stock person the stock person what's the stock person have to

do is it it's not a manager it's a stock person we're going to start from low you do would you

like to speak with the manager this is i'd like to talk to a man would that be a manager no a man

okay one moment please okay and why don't they have cakes at party city they should they could

make a killing if i could go there forever damn strippers quiet without typing over there

Oh, that's Kat.

Can you make the salad look like Spongebob?

I have a six-year-old.

It's very important.

I had a Mr. T cake salad once.

That's when kids were awesome.

I can still taste that.

It's hard to explain.

The dressing.

Fuck, you see what you guys are doing to me?

The icing on it was hard to explain.

It tasted very blue.

Your uncle helped out, I'm sure.

tasted blue it did it tasted blue and it made you feel blue and how do you feel about that

it was a cool cake it was a black man hello good evening thank you for calling party

chat name is just picking up you i wanted to speak to a man i'm sorry i wanted to speak to

a man right now i don't my my my man's stock question um person is on break how can i help

you yeah it's not right that you don't have the cake there we don't make a cake here we're not

bakery sir okay but this is part we don't make cake yes we do party so i'm sorry you're gonna

swear at me goodbye no i don't know that was twice she stopped she stopped the first time

hey i'm not gonna hold up your phone line so hey

Hey, Carlito.

What do you mean?

Thank you for calling, buddy.

Hello.

Oh, no.

Puta.

Yes.

Hey, puta.

I wanted to make an order for Flan.

Sir, you know what?

You don't call over here and swearing at us.

I don't know what that means.

Do you want me to call the cops right now and give them your number?

You know?

All right.

You want me to cut the list?

All right, guys.

Yeah, you said you don't want to hold on my line.

You don't want to be with me.

Fine.

Bye.

Yeah, maybe a little too far.

No, no, hold up, hold up, hold up.

I just thought you had a lot of incoming calls.

I don't know my name.

I do, I do, I do.

That's fine.

That's okay.

All right, well, thanks.

I'm trying to be respectful.

Charles, thank you for your work.

Okay.

Whoever that asshole is that's apart from me, the monitor, the manager, the mopper.

Oh, yeah, the mopper.

Get him out of here.

Mop man.

Joke's on you, asshole, because you're being charged $2.99 a minute for this phone call.

Ah, yep.

We just, you got slammed.

You got butt slammed.

I got bait switched.

Yeah, you got bait switched.

Yep, I slammed you.

Gentlemen, have a good night.

To the rest of the community, thank you.

Mad Hatter checking in.

Looking forward to the meetup.

Take care.

Movie night.

Yeah, bye.

Those are the movie night guys.

They handle movie night.

They're not guys.

They're a girl.

Guy and a girl.

Thank you for calling Party City at the store.

My name is Joel.

How may I help you?

Hi, Joel.

This is a completely different person.

Hello, I had a question.

If you have an item in, please.

Hello?

Hi, I'm talking.

Hello.

Stupid.

Hello?

Hijo de tu pinche reputa madre, maricón cabrón de mierda.

That's the trick right there.

Hello?

So the funny thing is, that was in Hawaii, and she spoke Spanish.

Mel, you know why?

She's probably a Filipina.

That's why.

Yeah.

Philippines.

Yeah.

What are you eating there?

An apple?

You got an apple?

yeah yep really that was pretty good you got an apple bag nice back to dwight mccranky pants

numbers oh let me check it steak and onion chips let me see if i got any numbers from uh parkman

i didn't even look whoops he may have sent numbers and i didn't even think to look my bad parkman

if you did yes he did all right parkman my main man parkman i forgot i forgot your thing uh indian

guy answered at airline ticket discounts all right the paces and notepad almost time to take a break

so i eat some food i gotta call that one first that's the just has to be done airline ticket

discounts where indian people sell you airline tickets on discount dwight this is what you need

for san diego or san jose whatever here's a caller

I didn't hang up on you I was trying to do a phone number okay do you like light

toast or dark toast what do you prefer oh I guess like light alright cool good

answer you can see all is being recorded for quality purposes thank you

for calling reservations my name is stifler how may i help you hey stifler how you doing i'm good

sir thanks for asking sir how are you good i'm looking to get uh airline tickets for me and my

son he's on the phone too hello okay sir may i know hello sir how are you good i'm gonna touch

him on the line we're gonna sit down we're gonna touch him okay sir yes please tell me sir from

where would you like to leave where you want to go departing from going to i'm gonna i'd like to

to depart from either JFK or LaGuardia somewhere in New York City and going to I would like to go

to India and sir can you tell me the airport name sir in India I'd like to go to Mumbai

okay and the date you are looking for sir I'm looking for March the 14th I want I'm going there

to have sex with a woman your mother I heard go to make madarchod you know madarchod hello

Yeah, I'm going there to Matar Chod.

We want to make Matar Chod with your mother.

Say what, sir?

Sir, hello?

I didn't get it. What are you trying to say, sir?

I want to make Matar Chod in Mumbai.

But the airport in Mumbai, it's a different name, sir.

Okay, no, but I want to go...

It's Bombay, I think.

Yeah, well, Bombay International, is that what it's called?

What?

Okay.

So what are the toilets?

What's the toilet like in the airport there?

or is it a hole on the floor, or is it a sit-down toilet?

I don't know, sir.

I never visit over there, sir.

Where are you from?

They have to take a shit really bad.

Are you Bengali, or where are you from?

I'm from Philippines, sir.

Oh, you're from Philippines?

Do you know what peck-peck is?

I do not, sir.

You do know?

But I cannot talk about it.

I want to peck-peck your mother, you know?

I'm sorry, sir.

I want to peck-peck your mother.

Then, sir, I'm going to disconnect.

Because I want to kiss her many times.

Totally sudden in here.

I know, yeah, yeah.

There must be a Filipino outfit.

We'll try again.

Your call is being recorded for quality purposes.

Yeah?

Okay, you can do one, young man.

Just say Peck Peck, and I'll play the chicken.

Peck Peck?

Yeah.

Okay, what's this Peck Peck thing?

It's like fucking.

Okay.

It would be hilarious if he calls some Indian and he knows it's a hep hep hep hep.

That's the popping thing.

So I could join in on that, too.

Yeah.

Yeah, hep.

Hep was funny.

Hep, that was just a prank that Sloth did with Ice Goose where the Indian guy just kept

going, hep, like that.

He was real pissed off at him because he was going, hep, hep, like that.

So a year later, just me and Matt were on my show pranking an Indian guy who got upset,

and I just started going, hep, hep, like that, and we started chanting it.

That was the funniest shit.

It was just dumb.

It was just being dumb.

Matt had a good time doing it.

He was clapping and everything.

the claps

I'm a little mad Matt's been like

doing drugs and stuff on Facebook

oh my god really well not

live but he's like

hey I got these mushrooms I'm gonna

die tonight he says stuff like

that I still enjoy the

Chicago beat up rant after everyone went to bed

then he fell asleep

early on Dark Stranger

on

Thanksgiving night

automatic voice message system

them shauna double bike rv park is not available fucking rvs right shit oh you know where i want

to go tomorrow i want to go to cold stone creamery motherfucker yeah oh cold stone so good you like

that cold stone what's your favorite foot yeah well here's the thing man all right so for many

years i would go to my wife would go to cold stone and i would go in and i was like you have

a sugar-free one yet like no and i'm like all right fuck you and i'd leave all upset because

Because it looks like so much fun, and I couldn't have it because I'm diabetic.

And so I hadn't been for, like, five, six years.

And then the other day, like a few months ago, we went for my father-in-law's birthday.

And I was like, I ain't going to be able to get nothing.

And I went in, and I looked, and on the menu, they have a sugar-free one now.

And I'm like, oh, my God.

So I got the sugar-free vanilla, and I added every single topping that doesn't have sugar.

So every nut and coconut.

or not and i'll tell you what that was good as a motherfucker man it was really good so if that's

uh now i wish i could have a nice fun one but i made it fun you know i made it fun and it was fun

yeah yeah yeah you gotta do what you gotta do you know yep yeah all right i'm gonna let you go i'm

gonna call albert since but i gotta keep in line buddy thanks for calling it's good talking yeah

of course all right be good see you later yeah put in your butt put in your butt tonight all right

I don't know what it is

Dwight

Parkman's idea for Albertsons

You're a teenager working at Albertsons in Orlando

And need to transfer to the

Yeah, hey, I used to do that

That's like real life

There's no Albertsons in Florida anymore, buddy

No more Albertsons in Florida

Thank you for calling Uncle Albertsons

This is Katie, how may I help you?

Yeah, this is Ronnie from the lobby department

How you doing?

Good, how are you?

Good.

Can you transfer to the butcher block?

What was your name?

My name was Katie.

Is anyone in the butcher block right now?

I believe they are closed for the night.

All right.

Can you put grocery, someone in grocery on the line, please?

Sure.

I'll leave.

Bye.

Your call is appreciated and is being processed as quickly as possible.

Please remain online.

We'll be right with you.

I ain't going to wait for this.

I'm trying to add Dave King here.

What's this hot bitch you just added in here?

i'm trying to add dave king but he's so stupid they probably won't be able to do it right hello

hey dave king is that you hey what's going on dude hey it's good to have you on hey why are

you crazy what why are you so crazy i don't know it's just fucking part of being alive man oh good

how i wanted to have you on just talk just to have a talk you know see yeah yeah what's what's

the conspiracy of the day what do you want to talk about ah it's just fucking i'm not all about

you know conspiracies it's just i tend to you're about raspberry pi because that's you know just

how i like to fucking do things but um i don't know man i just fucking i'm more into like you

know fucking trippy shit like you know making music psychedelics electronics those are my main

an interest but mdma discovered all sorts of shit i discovered conspiracies and all this shit

and then we i remember you when you had milkman on you know yeah you were fucking you know talking

about the illuminati and the bilderberg group and all this shit like right now we got fucking

paris rioting fucking uh doing all sorts of crazy shit because the uh establishment is suppressing

advanced clean free energy technology that they've derived by reverse engineering ufos

um oh they're building their own ufos and wait wait all right so wait a minute so what's the

energy is it fusion energy no it's like basically the the the the fucking equations the you know um

quantum mechanics and all that yeah they point out that space itself is is is not emptiness like

Like, you know, outer space and the fucking space inside your nostril or whatever the fuck, you know.

Yeah.

It's not empty space.

Like, a cubic centimeter of space is calculated to have enough potential energy that's kind of like, it appears to be emptiness, but it's not.

It's kind of like how a balloon full of air is stable.

But as long as you perturb it, if you let air out, it fucking, you know, it reacts.

So, it's like infinite energy pulling on itself in every different direction.

and that that's just how these fucking ufos travel around in um certain areas of the the

government like a black budget operations whatever the fuck you want to call them

um they've they fucking you know reverse engineered this shit and we could have we

could have a fucking box in our homes powering our our house and our cars you know free fucking

fucking drive you crazy when you know you've been paying so much fucking money and for fucking

jerking fluoride motherfucker right what do you know what do you about the muon generator

what the muon generator you don't know about the muon generator m-u-o-n

headphones i'm probably leaking in probably causing an echo you get

muon muon muon muon muon generator you need to look that up dave king if you know about

these conspiracy things and energy and stuff reverse engineering huh was that harp no muon

generator is something completely different there it's a man named pindar invented the muon

generator for the united states government and they injected him with cancers cancer cells to

kill him to keep it quiet i don't know yeah there's probably you know there's all sorts of

fucking advanced energy tech man but like the the the most advanced energy tech is the one that

most ufos are using and and that's fucking space energy you don't need you know solar is one thing

okay yeah there's no energy space is it's it's there's no energy in space what do you mean

though there's no like particles traveling through it i don't understand how you make

energy out of space well i'll post the link in the chat later um okay all right but um okay you

know from a physicist named um why why why do that why are you stuck in the uk how did that happen

you said it's over a woman yeah it's just a long story just fucking about like fucking seven years

now i've been here fucking um so where did you lived in canada before instead of drinking so

much of course i could have fucking saved up to get a plane ticket but it's just i don't know

man it's just to get through the day where are you from where are you from canada yeah i'm from

montreal and then you went to the uk for a woman and what happened woman it's just like i just i

don't know i was in a vulnerable fucking state you know i just broke up with my ex and did you

put did she push you down a flight of stairs no i broke up with my like an ex-girlfriend in in

montreal and um i was fucking i just i just got the internet and i came across all this crazy

shit about fucking the new world order and all this you know conspiracy shit and at first i was

you know i reacted like most people do like what the fuck is this crazy shit but i had a lot of

time on my hands i was fucking unemployed and fucking i just kept looking into it i was like

i found out a lot of shit was bullshit but a lot of it was real and i'm thinking like what wait this

shit that's real is could change the world you know all this fucking alien shit and the energy

shit but it's the most far out shit far out fuck yes yeah most people aren't going to be very

inclined to believe so anyway make a long story short it fucking went on social medias all over

fucking ended up you know meeting like-minded people and she came over a few times to fucking

um did you fuck did you fuck her well yeah what do you of course we got fucking married you know

oh wow niagara falls that's pretty ghetto you know that's pretty 50s of you wow keeping a

a classic that's that you wear a tuxedo yeah no i wore a suit you know the fucking uh suit who

wears a suit ah man you gotta wear a tuxedo uh did you get go on the ferry and have the captain

wed you or how did it happen the crazy shit is like i don't really want to get into it because

it's just you know it's boring but like it's part of history but one really interesting thing

like um was she the best sex you ever had was she the best was she the best sex you ever had

no um what was her vaginal circumference like was it tight or was it good i was it good or

yeah yeah yeah yeah like you know she had some nice nice um aspects you know nice legs did you

did you did you do any analingus back or receive that problem like she wasn't into anal well i mean

that's not the problem i mean that just i don't know okay all right all right cool the thing is

i'm fucking before i moved i moved here to be with her and fucking you know things didn't work

i'm not gonna get into all that shit you know it's fucking but um we we we fucking had this

these crazy ass experiences like fucking um paranormal shit because we were always arguing

you know oh fucking window just opened on it on instead that the fucking curtains moved they

opened on on their own that's the devil coming in you know yeah because you know the dark forces

they get attached to fucking you know they they're dark energy your dark energies you know

and you're uh are you an atheist or do you believe in the god those

are this thing right but we're all fucking divided

and conquered in every way man like you know with religions and fucking do you believe in

do you believe in intelligent design or that there's a higher power perhaps just answer your

your question um i are fucking you don't know you don't know you're scared you're scared to admit

that you might not because what if you're wrong right well no here's the thing like i'm i'm i'm

proud to admit when i'm wrong like that's what i think most people should have intellectual

integrity and some you know simple fucking sense where they're to to admit when they're wrong

they're like you know yeah of course you know what the fuck but the thing with the god thing is i

I think it's impossible for one being to fucking create even two particles to be exactly the same.

How the fuck could a God create all the fucking electrons and neutrons in the universe to be exactly the fucking same?

Every fucking electron is exactly the fucking same.

There's no fucking way some God could have just fucking came out of somebody's ass and just created shit.

It doesn't make sense.

No, but he's God.

But he's God.

How could the thing be exactly the same if it just came out of nothingness, you know?

It seems to be designed.

so i understand both sides of the argument but i just fucking we don't know man i mean we could

be living in a fucking video game or something this could be a dream or fucking some sort of

fucking massive trip okay you know real quick guys if anyone wants to talk to dave king

that's your chance area area code 405-396-6884 that's 405 39 mouth we have david king on here

Here, David King, how's your TV doing tonight?

I'm running on Sonic CD.

Sonic CD.

Hey, you need to get some more video snaps, bro, on your RetroPie build.

What's up with that?

You're missing a lot of video snaps.

You know, the video...

You don't have any video snaps, do you?

I don't think I've seen video snaps running at all on your RetroPie build.

I have video snaps for Super Nintendo and...

You don't have any for MAME?

you don't have any for your

a lot of the more

there's a script, I can hook you up with a script

that you can run that downloads

all those video snaps for you

I know, yeah, it's Seth's

scraper, yeah, yeah, you need to do that

man, no, there's a better one, Seth's scraper's

all broken and janked up, there's a better

alternative to it, you can run on your own

in CLI, yeah, you run it

in the CLI and

and it's much better

I highly recommend it, well, we'll

talk, we'll talk

Yeah, and you don't show your fucking Raspberry Pi machine.

I have it back here.

It's on here.

It's just the camera that I use and that angle is shitty, so it doesn't pick it up.

Actually, it's on the PS4 right now, but my RetroPie is right here in the desk next to me.

We've got a caller.

Caller, you're on the air with Carlito, Dwight McClanahan, and David King.

Go ahead.

Hey, Carlito, Dwight McClanahan, and David King.

It's Buckshot.

How we doing?

Oh, hey, it's Buckshot.

hey how you doing we're doing good we're just shooting the shit with dave king

is that former vice president joe biden yes i have to take a dab real fast hold on

sorry this is a prank call thing or does he look like joe biden i have never seen buckshot do i

can you put my headphone machines on yeah i'm like a spitting image of joe biden i look exactly

like joe biden oh really like old like 70 year old joe biden well yeah that's like i do that

on the weekends i'm a joe biden impersonator okay buckshot are you on facebook i never i don't think

i've seen you on there and do you know who dave king is and his obsession with his tv

i don't know who dave king is oh but i came on i wanted to debate dave king okay go ahead

dave this is your time go ahead buckshot you have at it so dave says he doesn't believe in

in a divine divine power such as our lord and savior um so i just wanted to know why i'm just

switching the input

I'm putting on headphones. I hope it's going to work.

Yeah, we hear you. I hear you. Can you

hear me?

Skype has changed.

He's asking if Xavier

wants to know why. Yeah, because

you gave an explanation about particles

and all particles and

such being protons

and neutrons, whatever, electrons being the same.

But why?

You believe that everything is

just happenchance. You believe that

it is.

you don't you know try and say like if like where did the universe come from what created the big

bang well that's that's that's the fucking biggest question right yeah i think i think it's

fourth dimensional creatures i think it's fourth dimensional beings that did it i think god or just

god is just one fourth dimensional being who hasn't cleaned his child what if god is the

the universe itself and consciousness is enabled by the possibility of every particle connected

to each other and particles are simply just a singularity of bifurcation of an access into

part of a parallel universe and everything is self-sustaining it's your cross asshole you know

what i mean like each parallel universe could be self-sustaining each other like a battery

battery like a battery yeah but then who wrote the laws of physics how does physics work why

does things go up and set it down and down and set them up it's just the fucking way it is like

basically right now we have a bunch of life on the planet because of a combination of certain

actions right if you put fucking water you have a pot you have some fucking water yeah and you

have a stove you put them together in a certain way you can have boiling water what if you drop

a load in it i never thought of that just that point that just made though is just simply that

you have deoxyribonucleic acid dna dna i know that one yeah is this fucking self-replicating

molecular system which came across um if you look at the um i mean the first fucking thing i looked

up when i got the internet when i was a teenager in high school was origins of life and the second

thing was was porn but the first thing was the origins of life and some you're

gonna go we're just gonna do a call it's all right you need to amino acids to you

know you need to learn a lot Dave King yeah and if you don't believe in a higher

power you'll never be able to become a Freemason the higher power is

consciousness itself it's like God and to think that we should be arguing about

about, like, who's God is better, like,

fucking Christians. It's

ridiculous, man. Loads of people were fucking

were crucified

in the times of Christ, and

everyone just fucking glorifies this one man.

A lot of people were speaking out

against the fucking tyranny

and the bullshit that was going on

with the establishment at the time.

I mean, it's only fucking 2,000

years ago, man, if you think about it. That's

fucking crazy. That's only 20

generations ago that our,

you know, fucking time systems

them started you know yeah you ever watched the movie the last temptation of christ with the

paranormal shit you ever hear about um i forget what the fuck it's called people get like holes

in their hands stigmata stigmata stigmata and it's not just a movie man i mean this is like

fucking i mean it's it's really weird like the world we live in like i think it's i don't know

everyone every once in a while my mom would be at church praying and she would all of a sudden

pass out and she said that she was she saw god and hello hey how you doing hello hey hey who's

this is this the trophy place yeah okay i'm trying to see if i can get a trophy made for my wife

okay yeah i uh i'm here i'm listening yeah i caught her cheating on me so the words are going

to be that we're going to have engraved on it are going to be a little a little pg-13 okay yeah i

have a rule all right i wanted to say hey karen you fucking bitch fucking slut on there can you

do that yeah you know what else i got no no no i got a horse's ass yeah you do you probably do get

the ass of a horse on you a horse i i i i have i have that in your face it's in your face but uh

are you you need to email me what you yeah are you the motherfucker that fucked my wife

motherfucker you me yeah you're the one oh you're putting that on there dave is this the guy that

the fuck my wife yeah i think so he sounds like it i mean he's the guy that had the horsey cat

yeah tell him about the bilderberg group dave yeah you know about this guy believe in god

do you believe in god sir do you believe in the new world order you want to do prank calls for

truth dave i'm trying to have a trophy yeah so you're trying to when you say when you say

prank calls for truth uh dave king you're trying to spread the word the truth through prank calls

yeah yeah all right and you listen and you're into the whole alex jones stuff man you know

i mean alex jones is just a guy who's you know discovered a few things like he started

a uh public access radio show and he discovered the fucking government was bringing in the drugs

the cia fucking crashing alex jones alex jones used to do such a good stand-up comedy routine

back in the day as bill hicks i know yeah i know what happened why did he change his face and all

that and no that's the thing like that's another psyop there's like flat earth is a psyop a

psychological operation to discredit divide and distract people from like you know focusing on

real issues and it suddenly fucking flat earth blows out of the fucking it's ridiculous man but

like um and then you know there's all these memes you know everyone just seems to be like a machine

running on memes you know you hear alex jones what comes to your head fucking gay frogs right

i mean it's ridiculous when anyone could look at it but he said it he said it he said it

he said it you know he said that shit ma'am yeah ma'am well we're we're you know we're talking

about dressing up as frogs for alex jones okay yeah wait is the trophy guy still here no it's uh

I think Dwayne's got sound effects.

Oh, yeah, I figured as much, but

when I got to somebody, I was like, wait a second.

What's it called?

What?

Huh?

All right, here's a

cigar place. Let's see if this cigar place is still

open, Dave. I don't know. Tell them

about cigars. I don't know.

I'm smoking a joint. I'm smoking a big cigar.

No, the thing is,

with the Dave King show, I don't want to

just do conspiracy-related

lady calls you know i do fucking regular prank calls too you know yeah regular but you get so

angry sometimes man you're like yelling and yelling you know no you eat shit man i gotta

fucking upload the like i got this like loads of great banjo calls man i mean i got this fucking

one guy he's like freaking out call some banjos all right i got i have indian restaurants there

those are banjos let's see if they uh fuck around you know i feel real bad because dwight's been on

on the whole show and he hasn't had a chance to do one call here i don't mean anything like you're

my co-host tonight you're my milkman yeah you're my mop man my little moppy mop all right we'll

get some calls when i take a break we'll come back and then you can do calls fucking asshole

i was fucking the way the janitor appreciate hello please leave a message after the

oh god damn it i'm sorry sir i'm sorry so wait is it dave king uh his name yeah does he believe

that george soros is like making the marijuana more strong every year hey have you heard about

dave soros being behind that you know any conspiracy claim i haven't looked into that

but i know george soros is into some up all right dude all right he's he's you know

openly fucking funding all these weird

leftist protests like the fucking

Antifa. Did your arm

heal okay after you

fell off your bike? That was pretty funny when that

happened. Yeah, it

healed, but it wasn't, I mean, maybe it was

funny, but it wasn't fucking funny at all, dude.

No, I'm sorry.

When I saw it, you first were like,

oh, these people were making fun of me

and I fell off my bike. Whatever the story

was, I'm sorry.

I have a statement for Buckshot.

Okay. Go to your car, asshole.

i was hoping it would be i will go all the way yeah another funny thing that happened i just i

had i didn't hear it when i got said to you but i was watching one of your shows and you were pissed

off that people weren't helping you out get a trip back to to canada i've just been a little

pinched lately well you said you were upset that someone had suggested to you that you go that you

you go on a campsite what uh do you go on uh fucking what is it whatever campsite it was

something like it was it wasn't my free camps was one of them chatterbait this is the end i

suggest you were real upset about it um but you should look into that you're a good looking guy

you know i see you with your shirt off all the time yeah man i had someone invite me to go to

live in a campsite i thought that's what you said like and to go in a fucking campsite and and i

had this old it's crazy like oh no no everyone's crazy but i don't know she was i don't know a bit

eccentric to say the least and she was fucking horny inviting inviting me to live with her in

in in her fucking van i'm like i don't like you could fuck her you could fuck her you could fuck

her i looked her first moments in drag i understand this is a band show

Ronnie, how may I help you?

One.

All right, one more time.

Hello?

Yeah, hi.

Want her to make an order?

All right, can I get a name and phone number for the order?

Yeah, my name is Dave King.

Okay.

All right.

My number is 259-2015.

That's the local area code here, 808.

All righty.

All right.

One butter chicken.

Right.

One chicken tikka masala.

Do you have pepper dumplings?

Do you have papa dumplings?

Yes, we do.

All right.

All right, one of those, one bench hood.

What's that last item?

Bench hood.

Don't think we have that one.

Are you Indian yourself, or are you Haole?

I am not, no.

I'm Hawaiian.

Oh, you're Kanaka?

Yeah.

You're Kanaka?

That's not how you say it, but yes.

Well, that's what I, I'm not from here.

I just moved here, you know, with my friend from Montreal,

and we have this guy from Alabama lives close to here.

he's our neighbor and he said that you know there's they're called kanakas he said to call

you guys that i'm sorry is it a bad word no no am i not allowed to say it because i'm not one

no i just it's called kanaka that's the term you're looking for i want kanaka inside of me

i want you to kanaka inside of me oh my gosh oh no my man pull it out and put it on and drop your

load on my back right and then and then lick it off is there anything else i can get for you yeah

that's the butter penis sauce i don't have that either oh yeah you don't have a penis get the go

fuck yourself go to the bathroom and look under your and between your legs and see the vagina

um dave king your uh your audio is really bad they can't hear you at all you went from good to

bad i don't know you send it better without the headphones on just to say buckshot i'm gonna let

you go because uh people i was seeing a lot of calls bounce and i hate to do that to the people

they may want to talk to dave kick yeah yeah man it's good to have you all right brother see you

man thanks for joining yeah i'm gonna slap you when i say all right that's him it sounds better

now yeah uh no still still just take the headphones off take them off just take it off

well what happened is skype automatically decided to use the microphone right from

it sounds it sounds like it's a microphone way too close to your mouth it sounds you know yeah

no and and you say likewise um yeah i'm just oh and here's the thing in skype i can change

i can set the microphone to be from my webcam microphone which is better okay even better than

that is my microphone from my studio which i'm not going to bother setting up right now but

no that's not the time i'm just gonna fucking switch right now all right all right there you

go beautiful there you go there you go you stupid all right here's the indian market see the other

microphone sounds more like a phone though right you know what i mean like this one sounds like a

radio like a you know higher quality but it's medium quality the the fucking headphone microphone

microphone is low quality which is hello hi is this india market okay i'm gonna put my friend

dave on the phone here all right he's a stupid go ahead hey how's it going hey hello yeah i'm um

my name is a stupid okay have you got what kind of food you got there hello you want anything

yeah what kind of food you got there you got bancho sauce we don't have anything now no why

Why not?

What kind of fucking...

Have you got

martichode sauce

and banchode sauce?

Hey.

Banchode.

Hey, man,

have you got a nice vagina?

I didn't send a martichode.

All right, nothing.

Nothing.

I wanted to ask

if she was single.

I know.

I know, buddy.

I'm sorry.

Ooh, Korean boys.

Let's see that.

Where do you get

all this fucking music?

It's all like jazzy

and shit.

It's like...

Ah, you know,

during the week

I like to listen

to various types of jazz

and I like to inhale

different types of things

and I make a note.

I write down in a book.

I like this song.

Hello, this is Palamaspo Market.

Thank you for calling Palamaspo Market.

For English, press 1.

If you want Korean, press 2.

Have you ever inhaled a penis?

No, no sir.

Why not?

I can't inhale a penis.

Caller, thanks for calling.

Is this a mother code hotline?

Yes, it is.

Absolutely.

How can we help you?

How spicy would you like it?

No, as easy as you make it.

Oh, we make it very spicy.

Dave King is here.

Are you calling to speak to him or just to call and speak to me?

I wanted to say, well, I mean, you too, honey, baby.

Dave, you know, I thought this guy, he speaks like he's British,

but he doesn't have a British accent, and then I found out you're living there.

How do I speak like I'm British?

Do I say the word loads sometimes?

I get some loads to drop?

it's the you know it's the placement of the fucking it's like it's like the way you place

fucking and everything they do that a lot i actually get that from jim florentine i'm

really influenced because i listen to fucking you know the the jim florentine podcast every

fucking morning and i'm fucking put it on it just it's just like you know just it just became part

part of my thing

or just fucking...

It's sort of the cadence, yeah.

Instead of saying, um, I say fucking,

you know?

I don't know. I just detected it.

It was so slight. And also, hey,

have you, do you ever listen to

Coast to Coast AM? Have you ever heard of that?

Yeah, I used to a lot, like,

but, um... Awesome.

I don't know, it's like, it's weird, like,

they started putting up a lot of their shows

on YouTube, but if, and they got, like,

thousands of views each

time they upload a video but the comments are enabled but if you go to

fucking leave a comment you can leave a comment but it's not gonna be there it's

weird like there's no comments basically if you check you're talking about it

coast-to-coast yeah like I don't know if you check out the the new coast-to-coast

videos nori nori or fart Bell if fucking he's a weird man with his

His fucking mustache.

Our old ones, sorry.

What?

Yeah, the old ones are great.

I've just been listening to the archive of the old ones.

It's crazy shit, a lot of what you're talking about.

Yeah, dude, like some late 90s Art Bell, man.

It was so much fun.

So cool.

Yeah.

So interesting.

They've got their first stream on TuneIn, I think.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm sure there is.

There's always been Art Bell shoutcasts.

I'm sure that's on TuneIn.

Yeah, and I listen to you.

oh i gotta check that out he came on serious uh for like a week and i was so excited he was coming

and now it made a big deal that i listened to that show and i was enjoying it that also is like

i can't do this anymore and it was gone again like man you know like again with this bullshit

was that when he moved to philippines he was in the philippines and he started doing a show on

serious they gave him like his own channel and everything and uh well because it's because

people were stalking him right was i don't know he said something like the bandwidth of the internet

listening wasn't right or something i don't i don't know what it seemed like it was an excuse

like he did he just said he didn't he like he tried it for a week he didn't like it he

wanted to stop it again and yeah oh i just think that his whole moving to the philippines i think

he was too open about where he lived and he was being stalked oh but i'm not sure that's the

the whole story crazy shit crazy shit you want to do a modern code call rest in peace to him

though he's gone he's i know it's so sad he's out of here out of here on his ass this is the

this is the bombay grill we'll see if they pick up and this one you can do this one this one's

for you and after a second after this i gotta take a break man it's 12 22 you're just fucking

jesus christ you should be happy it's not fucking 5 30 in the morning that's what it is over here

No, seriously, no, no, you don't understand. It's 6 o'clock in the morning. I should be fucking sleeping, dude.

No, it's 6 o'clock in the morning.

Over here, in fucking England land.

Are you fro or against Brexit?

I don't even know what it's all about, honestly.

Believe it or not, I mean, you know.

I'm either away from my desk or on the other line at this time.

Oh, no answer.

Please leave a detailed message and I'll get back to you.

Sons of bitch.

All right, Carl, I'm going to drop you off. Thanks for tuning in.

thanks for calling

it's good hearing from you

please tell people about the show

alright we're getting cancelled

because we don't have enough listeners

spread the fucking word man

you got blocked on YouTube

what happened with that

not blocked

I don't know what happened

I don't know if someone was being a troll

a bitch

I don't know

my channel is not blocked

it's not suspended

you can go watch all the YouTube videos

I know, but I don't see a comment saying that you can't live stream.

Someone reported something.

So, yeah, that happened.

Once they fucking report one video, suddenly you can't live stream for three fucking months.

That's bullshit.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, yeah.

A lot of people have been getting their channels suspended, taken down, and getting strikes and stuff like that.

It's been happening.

So, yeah, that's all I got for you.

It's happened to me two times in a row.

i haven't been able to live stream in six months now i don't give a fuck i mean it's

fuck it right yeah spend my time on other things plus you know we can stream live here and fucking

upload clips so you want other else yeah it's big suit is a great oh oh oh oh all right cool

um let me get back to that list of numbers from dwight where'd they go up your ass to the left

oh there they go thanks

hey I found them away

yeah let's do some fucking

Dwight the Senator style calls man

and by the way again Dwight

if you can hear me man I really fucking

you know you do some funny shit

like I like when you call in

and say like I'm calling in

and say I'm not coming

to work tomorrow

let's do some calls like that

Dwight do those calls

I thought that was that guy we don't talk about

thanks for calling in please don't be a fan of the other show

hello oh hey uh is dave still there yeah i wanted to talk to him yeah dave's here go ahead yes i'm

here bro i gotta go to dreamlands but i'm still here bro dave your audio shit i'm not gonna i'm

not gonna call in like the other people and talk shit about your god theory um i just i just wanted

more information on it about what the fuck you're talking about because i don't understand what

what shit the space shit the moving through space or yeah yeah or no something you said

something about god like being everybody on earth oh the universal god thing or whatever yeah

whatever that was yeah yeah yeah but i just think that um we don't fucking know what god is but

it could be the conscious the collective consciousness of everything you know the

universe itself i mean what do you want me to say like i just think no no i'm not i'm not asking you

for any fucking answers but no i'm just saying man you know it is kind of like what it's a prank

call show so some people may not be able to like you know fucking take that shit in well yeah i

know but someone asked some for some reason someone asked me what i think about it for some

reason i forget why i was curious if you were an atheist or not because you know the truth and

maybe that was part of the truth do you do you say i don't say here saying i know that and you

know the truth about everything i mean i fucking fell for the global warming scam i fucking believed

in global warming when you know fucking al gore basically flipped the graph what happens is

temperature increases when carbon dioxide levels increase not the other way around you know i mean

fucking that's why we've had warmer periods back then i mean that's just an example you know you

you know what i think you know what i think and i was very proud to admit that i fucking emotionally

lashed out at lots of people, man,

You polluting piece of shit

What the fuck

But still, air pollution is not good

But we are not fucking

Changing the climate

It's simply the sun

Is having fluctuations

And all the other fucking planets

Are increasing in temperature

And now it's been decreasing

God damn it

Alright, alright, alright

Does it reincarnate?

Does it become another fucking earth?

In another world?

of the earth are going to become something else i don't fucking know man you don't know what the

particles you know they're not going to rematerialize like you want you know what i think

the biggest is what i was trying to say a second ago the biggest disservice uh that the environmentalist

did was they called it global warming instead of saying uh global instability like weather

instability that's what it should be called that's what it's really doing warming is part of it but

But it's really just mostly, I think it's more of an instability in weather patterns and stuff.

Stronger hurricanes, droughts, and crazy-ass rainstorms and crazy-ass snow patterns and stuff like that.

It's not just warming.

Because now, whenever you say warming, now you say,

It's not getting warm, we just had the most snow we've ever had earlier than ever.

Well, yeah, because everything's all fucked up.

That's they're fucking spraying the skies with with chemtrails and now get out of your chemtrails

If there is somebody who watches over the world fucking Illuminati

Then you're fucked. What the fuck can you do? Yeah, if everything you say is fucking true, you're fucked. There'll be nothing we can do

a group of shriveled shriveled up old men can control the world because a lot of people are

sitting down thinking what can we do well wait a second what can we do we outnumber these

fucking assholes a billion to one is a scientific dictatorship a combination of

learned helplessness the fucking dude they already got me i'm fucked yeah i'm fucked

you know you just smoke up enjoy life do some prank calls yeah that's all we could do hey

Hey, who won in a fight, the Illuminati or the Freemasons?

Well, the Illuminati is no longer, you know, I mean, if you look it up,

I mean, fucking the same families that were running in the Illuminati

or they moved on to other things, Freemasonry, fucking a lot of other shit.

We used to have a guy that came around the prank golf community

who was, like, getting into the Freemasons.

I forget who the hell it was.

oh i was like yeah i'm gonna go to a freemasons meeting really my co-worker is a freemason i'm

always giving him shit about it i always keep trying to ask him stuff and then like i like

when i hear when i see stuff online like that that it's like leaks of their their stuff i say

to him and he always like he gets really mad like i'll tell him like yeah like i i did the uh the

whole um yeah is there no help for the son of the prophet he's like what like you know is there no

hell for the son of the prophet he's like well how do you know that i'm like oh i just saw it

online you know he's like you like it really burns him up that i've that i've learned those sayings

and shit like that and you and you you wonder why they want to fucking censor the internet you know

i mean fucking uh yeah i mean there's there's no levels of freemasonry that guy thinks he knows

shit but it's oh yeah he's not he's like my my grandfather was a freemason like i read the

Mahabone, whatever the fucking book was

and all I saw was like somebody getting

fucking beat, you know, a couple

rituals, you know, it just kind of seems like

an old man club.

Oh, wait, you get to beat someone up?

I thought you had to like masturbate in front of

each other. I thought that was part of it.

I don't know.

You gotta do some weird shit in a coffin

and like, um,

I don't know, man, they fucking

they gotta admit all their old like

sexual things they've done

inside of a coffin and

they hate black people

dying

they do

oh shit really

yeah they segregate

with the Prince Hall Masons

oh shit alright cool

thank you for calling X Chair

this is not your grandfather's

office chair please press 1

to be connected with a sales representative

press 2 for customer service

thank you for calling X Chair

sales please leave a message and

and a representative will return your call as soon as possible.

Falky, I don't know if I hit the right option.

Shit.

Hey, fucking, Brad Carter's listening.

Yeah, caller, go ahead.

Dave, you got some interesting ideas,

and I'm just going to say, like, you know,

sometimes you got to keep some of that stuff to yourself.

Like, no offense.

You're going to get in trouble, Dave.

Yeah, people can't take it.

Yeah.

You know that, like, you know.

Remember that Mel Gibson movie where that guy kept saying,

and like, oh, conspiracy theories to that

and then he actually got one right.

That's social conditioning to make people think

that conspiracy theories are crazy, you know?

You start talking about something that, you know,

you should be concerned about, that you have

a moral imperative to fucking talk about.

You know, if your fucking neighbor's house is

burning down, you're not going to talk about it because

a bunch of people are fucking burning it down?

Like, no one fucking cares

sometimes. Like, I mean, I understand

what you mean, but if you say

it to somebody with deaf ears,

it doesn't mean shit in the end.

you know

you won't learn anything

you know

I got a lot of fans that are into

you know know what's up you know

and they think it's a great idea

what I'm doing

alright Carler thanks for calling in

I'm gonna let you go see if someone else wants to jump on

and insult this guy

alright I'll see you later bye

thanks for calling

I don't do shows that often enough

to

I'm gonna shave your head if I'm ever in the UK

shave all your hair off we should have jen stop and shave some of his hair and bring it to the

meeting yeah you can like put my hair in in like fucking braids yeah and we'll get married

hello this is portable oxygen yes um my name is amanda are you trying to call for information

about the indigent one portable oxygen system yeah totally it sounded like you were on a call

I didn't know if our lines got crossed.

This is a telephone call.

I'm on a telephone call now with you.

All right.

May I have your zip code, please?

Yeah.

It's 32808.

All right.

Thank you.

I did type your zip code as 32808.

Very good.

You can type, too.

I do want to let you know, for quality purposes, this call may be recorded and monitored.

Okay, honey.

Okay, honey baby.

baby so with our special 30-day risk-free trial when you order the inogen one portable oxygen

system you do get free shipping so my role on this call is to oh are there are there any chemtrail

nanoparticles in the oxygen tank man i liked her thank you sir thank you caller you're on the air

with dave king on the dave king show oh yeah hi dave king call me the prostitutes uh what the

the fuck was that what well about what the the call dude religious calls jesus fucking shit like

what the fuck oh i don't know i don't know it's just things are happening things are happening

uh what the hello you're there oh cat did you call him did you hang up oh no she's there cat

respond hi hi all right this fucking number won't go i thought cat got pissed right after

like i was damn yeah i thought she just like oh my god i couldn't handle that shit i was losing

my shit why what call what are you are you talking about dave or are you talking about

the prank call that we just did no no no i'm talking about dave dude the fucking religious

caller oh he's okay let's not make this religious what the fuck oh yeah yeah well you're an atheist

though probably right well yeah i don't believe in god until proof is shown like shown to me but

at the same time i don't care if you're religious or not let's just not talk about this on the

fucking show someone asked him then he responded he defended to ensure proper handling

i think it's fucking ridiculous i think it's you know retarded that some god just you know can

you know fucking just started creating the show what the fuck who who created god you know it's

a stupid boring question really god too created god somebody asked the question that's why

Thank you for calling about the

Energy One Portable Oxygen System

My name is Jacqueline

To begin may I have your zip code please

32808

Hello

Yeah is that Jacqueline

Okay I'm typing that in my report

32808 is my zip code

Yeah

She was not happy about that

What kind of places are you calling now

Call some like places that

Dwight and I can

talk about...

Dwight doesn't like you, though.

You can do that anyway.

What do you mean he doesn't like me?

Please, I'm a liar. Continue.

Why don't you want to talk to me? Why are you obsessed with

Dwight? I'm talking to you.

I'm saying we...

Me and Dwight can do some calls together

saying we're not coming into work.

You have a thing for Dwight?

No, I just fucking... He's still lying.

Hello? Is this...

Thank you for calling about the portable oxygen system.

My name is Benita.

To begin, may I have your zip code, please?

Yeah.

I'm not coming into work tomorrow.

I work at the call center.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

I didn't mean to stop you for that.

Well, I can't get through.

I've been trying to call operations, and I can't get through.

Hello?

Her name is Benita.

I bet she's just not pretty at all.

She's an ugly soul.

Yeah.

Kat, stop feeding corn to the ducks.

This call may be recorded.

Please analyze it again.

I don't feed the ducks as much as I want.

They don't eat bread, goddammit.

Why don't you feed him some meat?

Throw him some meatballs.

Yeah, throw him.

Back to the Energen One portable oxygen system.

My name is Benita.

To begin, may I have your zip code, please?

Yeah, it's 32808, and I'm not coming into work tomorrow.

Yeah, we don't fucking want to work there anymore.

It's bullshit.

Yeah, we're done.

We're done here.

Yeah, we really call.

No, no, it was already, you know, not going anywhere.

It was her again, and she's just stupid.

Let's call a store.

let's call it Walmart

you want me to call

Walmart Dave King

is that what you want

why don't you just say that

if that's what you want

you just say that

why don't you just say it

yeah nigga

oh whoa whoa whoa

we have a

we have a broadcast

license here

that you can't say

that stuff

too far

yeah

we have an FCC

broadcast license

to defend

on this station

okay

so please don't

use that word

thank you

don't be a bastard

we need to be

opening and accepting

for everyone

don't you want

everyone to know

the truth

you can't say

and word like that.

Thank you for calling

your local Kate Walmart.

Katie says that

ducks don't eat bread,

they eat bread.

So let's...

Feed them a donut.

No, wake up, dude.

You're not supposed

to feed ducks bread.

For electronics,

press 2.

For pickup,

press 3.

It's not going to kill them.

It's not info...

Press 4.

It's not going to kill them.

They're going to love it.

But...

Call a token

bed bread

for your bakery, man.

It has no nutritional value

and it fills them up

and makes them not eat...

Oh, you're a vegetarian now.

No, all of a sudden you know what an obese duck is.

No, I'm not. I eat meat. Shut up. I'll eat those ducks.

Veterinarian, I said.

You don't even know what that means.

Veterinarian.

Oh, shit.

Are they ever going to answer the fucking phone?

I know, right?

Have you ever played fucking Zaxxon on 32X?

Have I played what?

Sonic on 32X?

Zaxxon.

Zaxxon, no.

Zaxxon.

Play the Spider-Man game.

The Spider-Man game was good.

On 32X?

Yeah, there was a good Spider-Man game.

I think it was a high...

I think Mr. Clay was saying something about that.

I think that was one of the few that was...

It was a 32X CD game.

It used both the CD and the 32X at the same time.

Yeah, but there's no Spider-Man on 32X.

32X is a piece of...

It was stupid.

That was the end of Sega.

Was that stupid?

You're calling your local Walmart.

I look forward to the opportunity to serve you in our store.

No offense.

Dude, Genesis was shit, all right?

I just know I, whenever I saw that shit, I compared the two systems all the time, and it was always shit.

To speak to an associate, press zero.

The Genesis had a faster processor, but more was made of it.

It was more of a logic processor.

it had better AI for the sports games

that was one thing

but the color palette, it could display what

like 20 colors on the screen at once

and the

Super Nintendo could display 256

and also the sound

on the Super Nintendo is a lot

they had a Sony chip in there

yeah but the thing is

the Genesis was

off the fucking shelf

parts, they just cobbled together

in 1989

Motorola this and

Logic Circuit that oh look it works

and I mean it was a feat

of engineering at the time but it was

the Super Nintendo I don't know how people

could I would go to Blockbuster

and they would have like

I talked over them

I would go to Blockbuster right and they would have

Mortal Kombat 2 running on Genesis

and on Super Nintendo and I would

I would look on this the Genesis

one and the colors

weren't as rich the sound was

was tinny and the control the control was because the the normal controller that came with it was

a three button controller it was not very forward thinking like the snes pad was it just don't i

get really pissed off people i didn't i was not a genesis person i made fun of people that got

the genesis i hated that white track signing force was really good for the genesis now the

genesis was the thing is though it had it had a few like a quite a lot of great titles what sonic

Sonic, what else?

Echo the Dolphin, what else?

I fucking...

You don't know.

I can't think right now because it's like

6 o'clock in the morning, but

there's loads of fucking titles I can...

There were no good RPGs.

You appreciate your business

and look forward to the opportunity

to serve you in our store.

For pharmacy, press 1.

That's kind of pissed.

N64 has some good games.

Yeah, good first-person.

Well, the thing about Nintendo, though, it kind of felt cringey, like, childish.

Like, there's a lot of childish games.

Yeah, that started with the N64, for sure.

And for me, though, I'm not really a sports gamer.

The fucking Sega Genesis is...

Oh, sports games suck. Rocket League's the only sports game I like.

Yeah, sports. Soccer with cars.

I actually started playing some sports games.

That's the only sports game I liked.

I watch it on Twitch all the time. It's fun. It's fun to watch.

I'm playing two players with, um...

i got like you know these you're mentioning maim and arcade and you got final burn alpha

i got it on mine yeah that's the comp the comp cast the the capcom one final burn alpha rom set

holy fuck yeah you know you got fucking marvel versus capcom incredible arcade games on that

hello oh man you talked over it man man look i've talked all the way through the show i actually

you don't need to take a break because I'm going to end the show

coming up now. I've only talked

over like one second when she said

thank you. It's alright. It's okay buddy

you don't feel bad Dave. I've got to let you go

everyone be sure to check out Dave King on Facebook

support him and

the Dave King show on Mixler as well

I'm going to start it up again at some point

Apparently Milkman's gay

Apparently Milkman's gay? Okay

alright well that's terrible

for a guy

I can't I can't. I'm going to tell him you said that

Alright, Big Cat, the host of Movie Night

and the Movie Night

What is your

Big Ass Queen

Are there any selections yet

in the pipe for tomorrow's Movie Night at all?

I'm not going to say shit

People just message me if they want something

Are we talking to a cat?

Is she like a cat that can talk?

Yes

Catastrophe

She hates cats

Catastrophe

the catty cat straw

alright

see you guys

bye

you guys genetically engineer a cat

that can talk who is that

that's exactly what that was

alright Dave you're out of here on your ass

but everyone check you out

alright it was good having you shoot the shit

for a while

bye

you smelly motherfucker

Dwight dude I didn't do a prank

with you man we didn't do it that's okay no let's do it now come on let's do one of those calls that

you do all the time where you call off sick to a job it's not yours i don't think you do i think

that's a background that does that a lot no i no i do those i call even drunk and tell them i

i'm not coming in there i quit ah let's do it thank you for calling your local walmart that's

right you do those you appreciate your business are you gonna retire because they work pretty

good in our store are you gonna retire drunk for pharmacy press one now i guess i'm gonna retire

one person was like oh it's a stupid character and then like everyone else like fuck that

i got my dinner i got a steamed chicken and broccoli

out there it's from the train restaurant nice and healthy dude i got one of those ninja foodies

for fucking uh christmas sauce on the side i'm gonna make some walmart i can help you

hey who is this yes oh hey it's dwight i was supposed to come in and start work

and the water, and I don't think

I'm going to be able to make it

on my first day, but I'm way

too drunk to be coming to work tomorrow.

Shit just starts getting broken in the back.

Oh my god.

I always want to call from the

yeah, I'm here in the back.

We did that on your show recently, didn't we?

Yeah, we've done

Sloth and I did that for Calls of

Mask of Fusion. It almost got G.I.D.

caught one time.

uh because like there was a dollar general a family dollar like right across from each other

and so we had them scrambling back and forth across the road uh because we're calling from

each one and uh the lady was on the phone and we told her we were over at her store like

yeah we're we're in the back and like splicing two lines we're calling 900 numbers

and seeing shit like that and geod was over at that store by himself and she came back in and

started accusing him with some shit oh that was pranks that was the last pranks gave me that

all right i'll call a waffle house we'll try it there you say the waffle houses are always lit

they're always funny they're always really uh fucking i was listening to fucking drunk people

in there yeah i was listening to a show from last year recently and uh i called a waffle house and

i was doing the test with the eggs in the toilet to see if one would flow and then throw one in

there and the guy was they the guy was in there the toilet and uh the co-worker came in and said

man what you doing you know like what the fuck are you doing it's some guy you know he didn't

say i just heard him go man but i just knew that's exactly what happened yeah

Albertville Waffle House, this is Zena.

How may I help you?

Hey, I was supposed to start training tomorrow.

It's my first day.

Okay.

I've been drinking.

I'm celebrating Cinco de Mayo, and I'm way too drunk to be in there in the morning.

So I can't come in.

Who is this?

It's Dwight.

I was supposed to train in the back house tomorrow.

It's the first day.

Alright, we don't do training on the weekends

They said come in

Who is this?

Tomorrow's Monday, I don't know what you're talking about

No, it's not, goodbye

I'll call back

Tomorrow's Monday

Hello?

Hey, you hung up on me

Hey, quit calling

Thank you, goodbye

You tell me quit calling

You quit calling

Oh, squirt.

Squirt.

Squirt, I said.

Hey, what's going on?

You still here?

Oh, you're back.

Hey.

Hey, pervert.

How you doing?

Hey, ma'am.

We're doing what you requested.

We want fucking, we want to start working.

We need to start working there, ma'am.

You need a job, period, Dave King.

I start doing those ones where I just call people.

I got the job.

When do I start?

I've heard when you've had them all looking for spreadsheeters.

Like, oh, what'd you see?

Yeah, looking for the schedule.

What about leads?

Hey, how you doing there?

Listen, I'm supposed to come in on Monday to start my training.

But they said to call tonight and get my schedule.

So I need to know what time on Monday.

What's your name?

My name's Dwight.

Well, let me see if they got the schedule.

All right, okay.

Hurry the fuck up.

Monday for training?

Yep, yep, we're back.

I'm going to work the grill.

Hey, call back after 7 in the morning.

Dana, the trainer, she'll be here in the morning

Yeah, but I need to know when on Monday though

You do, go look, go look

Hurry up, sir

Hurry the fuck up and look

He needs to work there on Monday

Hurry the fuck up

That's my parole officer

Yeah, I don't see

He says if I don't have a job, if he can't confirm I got work right now

Then it's on fucking Sunday

I go back to jail and I can't go back to jail

Well, the problem is

The manager's not here with the schedule for the trainees

So, you know

They won't be here until 7 in the morning.

Okay, okay, listen.

If I put him on the phone, can you just tell him I have a job?

Just get him off my back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, hang on.

Here, here.

He said he'll confirm I have a job.

Turn off the porno movie.

Hey, Dave, grab the phone.

He said he'll tell you.

All right, turn off the fucking porno movie if you want to get a job, Dwight.

What are you doing?

Okay, I put him on speakerphone, sir.

Go ahead and tell him I got a job.

Hello, sir.

Hello, can you hear me?

Yeah, Dwight has the job.

he's going to be starting monday morning okay yeah monday morning i don't know if the trainees

at 7 30 or 8 30 i'm not really sure so it's gonna be monday morning they start training

he's gonna be there at 8 30 okay and do i have to take a drug screening test i'm not sure for

our company you have to talk to our uh the trainee for that okay all right all right anything else

i won't do you do salads say again do you have salads i need to make an order yeah hold on one

one second. Okay. We're going to need some ice in on that salad. Yep. Hi, this is Dennis. How

may I help you? Uh, what type of salads do you have? What type of sandwich do we have? Oh,

salad. Salad. Salad. We have a regular salad. Um, here's a bacon chicken cheese salad. Do you

have a chef salad? A chef salad? Yes. Yeah, we have a salad. Okay. I'll take one of those.

with a side of icing and bento sauce and what a side of icing i'm sorry sir i'm having trouble

to say you are you saying a side of icing icing for the salad icing yes i'm sorry i said what

you're saying i think yeah icing for my salad so the salad's not dry icing icing yes okay

Okay.

Vanilla icing.

Are you?

On the side.

I want it.

Sir?

Yeah, I want it on the side, but not on it because I'm watching my weight.

I want one side of vanilla icing for my salad.

We don't have vanilla icing, sir.

What flavors do you have if you're out of vanilla?

We don't have any icing.

Because you put them on pancakes or waffles, whatever.

Yeah, they don't put no icing.

I was going to say, you should say you want the syrup.

dressing because they get the syrup there fuck do the buddy the elf shit yeah let me get some

sprinkles and some syrup i'm on the salad you like syrup don't you is there sugar and syrup yeah

then yes oh he's down in the mail room and he mistakes that fucking booze for syrup when he

puts in all the booze in his coffee yeah he's got a big party going on down there and shit

there it is down there dancing yeah having a good old time i got my good old hoot all right i'm

I'm going to hang up on both of you guys.

It's over.

Oh, fucking do it, please.

It'll help me finish.

Do it.

Bye.

Let's do it.

Get out of here.

It's over.

caller you're on the air caller caller hung up right as soon as i connected

that my fault that wasn't my intention my intention was to let the caller through and

say things let's play some voicemail here real quick before we go starting with obituary bitch

obituary guy who has an obituary winston ono lennon mbe an english singer songwriter and

peace activist who co-founded the beatles the most commercially successful in the history of

popular music by december 8 1980 lennon was shot and killed by mark david chapman chap chapman

in Chapman in the

way of the Dakota

in the archipelago of Dakota. His residence

in New York City. Lennon

had just returned from

record plant studio with his

wife, Yoko Ono. Living

is easy with eyes closed,

misunderstanding all you see.

Oh, man. Good point.

Very well said. Very well stated.

Strawberry feels forever, eh? You know

what I mean? I

think, uh, did we have

Slow Elvis calling in?

Carlito, you fat cunt.

What?

Um, listen to your podcast the other day.

I don't know, man.

What?

You can't just keep doing the same shit.

You know, you used to be funny, but...

What?

The milkman, you can keep him off.

He's fucked.

He, um...

Okay, I did that.

Mate, that's all I think you know is fucking everything about everything.

You know, it's fuck all, but useless information.

You know, you gotta fuck yourself.

Right on.

All right, thank you, Aussie Jack.

Now, I don't know if that's Aussie Jack.

It was some Australian-sounding motherfucker.

motherfucker dixie motherfucker oh it's slow elvis what's up slow elvis yeah all right slow

elvis that was that it that's all from slow elvis this time all right i guess that's all from slow

elvis nothing else here okay well that's all we got that's all we got for voicemail so here's one

that was left uh during the show let's take a listen to that oh someone's like talking oh my god

we gotta catch that train man all right that guy's gone all right so everyone thanks for tuning in

tonight i hope you guys had a good time no the calls are exceptionally exceptional but we had a

we had fun right i finally got a chance to get dave king on here to talk some stuff he's just

been a guy on facebook that i see here and there he's a fan of prank calls he he's a conspiracy

guy i thought it'd be fun i hope you know whatever i hope it didn't suck up too much of the time i

thought it was great i want to thank uh parkman for sending in numbers i also want to thank big

Big Dwight McCrankyhan, McClanahan, for joining in and sending in numbers too to help out.

Be sure to check his show out tomorrow night.

It'll be on less than 24 hours.

It'll be on at 10 p.m. Eastern, 7 p.m. Pacific tomorrow night.

The Dwight McClanahan special.

Anyone else who contributed with numbers?

Big Nadia tried to.

I attempted to do that number.

Thank you, madam.

We'll try to get to it on the next show.

to your buffalo wild wings and mess with that woman who gave you bad service um yeah that's it

thanks to everyone who let me prank them thanks to everyone tuned in be sure to visit madhouse

live.com movie night tomorrow hijinks.fun slash uh pranks right hijinks hijinks.fun slash chat

i think i uh it got erased on the board and i have very bad memory be sure to support me on

patreon patreon.com madhouse one dollar membership gets you militia member status so you can get

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link that you will get a dropbox link invite once you become a supporter of the show and you can

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to right now is going to be uploaded in about two minutes after i go off air and you can download it

for your own listening pleasure so had you missed it or wanted to go back for some reason you can

do that and again as i said before madhouse live.com all my social media links to twitter

facebook are there and all the different methods to tune in all right i'm done y'all have a great

weekend you'll probably hear from me tomorrow doing dwight show man it's gonna rain a lot

this weekend it's gonna be one of those nights gonna stay in we're gonna make some chili over

here i'm gonna do some porking it's gonna be great it's gonna be a good time i'm gonna organize my

closet i think i'll vacuum my car it's gonna be raining but i can vacuum my car in my garage

i'm gonna do that i'm gonna head down the garage vacuum my car out clean the windows

with some windex and and yeah yeah hey there's only two weekends left till christmas smell you

Just don't give a say so

Calls (33, 1 h 26 min of 2 h 35 min)

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