Toilet Offline – 2/6/19 Show
6 Feb 2019 · 1 h 1 min · 6,443 words · source
Calls (14, 39 min of 1 h 1 min)
- Marriott smart toilet system glitch live 9.5 min clip ↓
- Town Place Suites transferred call live 4.4 min clip ↓
- Spring Hill Suites toilet code prank live 1.8 min clip ↓
- Chuck E. Cheese complaint call live 2.5 min clip ↓
- Roundtable Pizza delivery prank live 4.6 min clip ↓
- Skyline Dental dental malpractice complaint live 2.6 min clip ↓
- Caller reports dentist abuse live 2.6 min clip ↓
- Check cashing place about fees and ID live 1.9 min clip ↓
- Bed Bath & Beyond asked for a toilet live 1.5 min clip ↓
- Voicemail after masturbation call voicemail 38 s clip ↓
- Karate instructor asked to be kicked in front of kids live 3.1 min clip ↓
- Caller vents about online harassment live 2.2 min clip ↓
- Walmart caller asks to beat up karate instructor live 1.9 min clip ↓
- Walmart automated menu ivr 50 s clip ↓
Transcript
to urinate select number one to defecate select number two for a little of both select number
three to vomit just begin vomiting now well you have nothing else to do right now do you
i'm masturbating this is time for me to masturbate now okay i'll leave you to it
this is masturbation time i'm in the streets listening to madhouse live i hope my speech
can compete with that bad mouth style that we get from carlito that's my big amigo so just
Just kick back to listen to this cat call people.
When this show goes live, I be like, damn, this shit's bitchin'.
Stop whatever I'm doin' to tune in and listen.
You can catch me in the back of his home at Horse Machine Ranch Road.
I'm bustin' mad fat flows for assholes and banchos.
My spit crazy.
Shout out to Big Amy.
That's nice, honey, baby.
We kissin' pussy, so ladies, such a labia.
It's crazy how the stuff that my bruh might say to ya.
Face it, cuz, it's the number one prank cast.
Stay back if you can't handle all the straight laughs that we hand to your dome.
And if you want, call the number, you can listen to this show on the go
Big up to the man in the madhouse
Show love, just stick your motherfuckin' hands up
Some come close, but they can't get it right
Let the king do his thing, it's time for Madhouse Live
Big up to the man in the madhouse
Show love, just stick your motherfuckin' hands up
Drunk, pervert, motherfucker
You heard about what's going on in there?
Heard a lot of bullshit talk, I know that much
This isn't bullshit, my friend
Do you know something?
Don't listen to me
What do you know?
Maybe I do and maybe I don't
What I say is they got no business negotiating.
We ought to be going back in there with a bullet for everybody in the yard.
Is that right?
We do it now, we do it later.
Later ain't gonna be no use.
Am I right, Al?
Now, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute, Frank.
We got a lot of angry guys in there.
Black Muslims, Panthers, young lords.
Besides you, the average antisocial.
So we gotta go in, right?
Clean your clocks.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is The Magnet.
Vegas Marriott, how can I help you?
Hi, hi, hello?
Hello, this is Vegas Marriott, how can I help you?
Yeah, you need to help me.
I'm in the toilet right now.
Sure, I can help you.
What do I do?
3,400 square feet of flexible space, including...
I don't think she understood.
...and a top floor grand ballroom with pre-functional space
that offers sweeping views of Las Vegas
when you book your stay directly from...
Why does she go like that?
Fucking stupid.
Fix my phone.
Call me.
Thank you for calling.
I'm Sue Gibson.
How can I help you?
I smell tuna.
Okay.
I'll help you.
Hello, stupid.
Hello.
Sounds like she's opening a McDonald's wrapper.
Hello, stupid.
Fuck this place.
Vegas, Nevada.
Appropriate representative.
Closely to the following.
Reserve one to nine guest rooms.
Press one for reservation.
To ensure each guest...
You are being transferred to the operator.
Thank you for choosing...
Whoa.
Hi, I'm in the toilet.
I'm in the bathroom.
What the fuck? Come on, man.
Stupid.
Why'd you hang up on me?
I'm gonna need help with my toilet.
Where are you at?
I'm in the bathroom.
Which one?
In my room.
And I need to use the bathroom.
And you have one of these smart toilets here?
And what was that?
I guess it's a smart toilet.
It's asking me to enter a code to use the toilet.
Enter toilet code.
it's talking to me that you're calling the wrong place we are at a hotel we don't have any of those
in the hotel enter toilet code toilet offline it says toilet offline error no connection to
plumbing network it says no connection to plumbing network how do you how do i make it go sir i'm
gonna have to ask you not to call back please hi i am john your smart toilet assistant please call
Call the front desk for help.
Come on.
This could happen.
How are we Alexa enabled toilet?
Choosing residence in Houston.
Flush area number 271.
Toilet offline.
Toilet offline.
Wow.
Am I talking to a person?
Yeah, of course you are.
All right, well, I'm in the room.
I'm in the toilet, and it doesn't work.
Okay, what room are you in?
Toilet offline.
It's like a talking smart toilet.
It wants a...
Enter toilet code.
What's my toilet code?
What do I put in?
To urinate, select number one.
To defecate, select number two.
For a little of both, select number three.
To vomit, just begin vomiting now.
What?
Yeah, this toilet, it's like a smart toilet, I guess.
Error.
No connection to plumbing network.
Yeah, I'm in the courtyard.
Marriott.
Which room are you in?
I don't know.
The two.
I don't know.
I'm inside the toilet now.
I'm supposed to know what room I'm in.
Are you in the lobby?
No, in the room.
All right, what's your last name?
Hi, I am John, your smart toilet assistant.
Please call the front desk for hell.
What's your last name, sir?
Cross.
I mean, it's nice to have a smart toilet and everything, but I don't know how it works.
I don't.
Are you looking for the...
Brush area number 271.
In Henderson, Nevada?
In Henderson, Green Valley?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
It says there's a...
What is your last name one more time?
The screen says Toilet Offline.
Watch, if I hit...
If I try to tap it...
Toilet Offline.
Enter toilet code.
We don't have any smart toilets at our property, sir.
Were you supposed to give me a toilet code when I checked in?
Like the Wi-Fi?
Enter toilet code.
How do I make it?
We don't have any smart toilets at our property.
Are you sure you're not at a different property?
No.
I'm here at the corner.
What's your last name?
What's your last name one more time?
Cross.
Sir, are you still there?
Cross.
Cross C with a C or a K?
With a C.
Stupid.
C-R-O-S-S?
Yeah, stupid.
Yeah, you're not in our system, are you?
Well, obviously not because you didn't put the toilet code in the system.
Enter toilet code.
What does that mean?
Enter toilet code.
We don't have smart toilets in our property.
Are you positive you're calling the right hotel?
Enter toilet code.
Enter toilet code.
Enter toilet code.
We just don't have any of those kinds of toilets at our property, so...
Why would you put a code on the toilet?
Why would I have to put a code to use a toilet?
That's the thing, is we don't have any of those toilets at our hotel, our property,
so I don't think you're at our property.
I think you're looking for a different hotel.
Toilet offline.
Are you sure you're in Henderson, Nevada?
Toilet offline.
Henderson, Green Valley?
Yes.
Yes, I keep telling you that, but you're starting to make me angry.
What's happening?
You're starting to make me angry is what's happening, because I need to take a...
I'm trying to find what room you're in.
I need to make a toilet.
Do you know what it feels like when you have to go to the toilet and you can't because some stupid person's messing you up?
No, I understand, sir.
It's just I can't find you in our system, so we don't know what room you're in.
If you already checked in, you'd be in our system, and we don't have smart toilets, so I don't think you're at our hotel.
I think you're looking for a different hotel.
The room isn't in my name.
What's the name of the room?
I don't know the person.
I met them at the bar.
Okay, then I don't think you have the right hotel
because we don't have those kinds of toilets here.
Enter toilet code.
Do you have a toilet?
I think you're looking for Town Place Suites, sir.
Town Place Suites on Smart has those toilets, but we don't.
Enter toilet code.
They have smart toilets?
Yeah, we don't at our hotel, so I understand.
I don't think we can help you because we're not the right hotel.
Do you have any suggestions?
I can transfer you over to them if you want to try with them,
but I wish I could help you.
I just don't think I can because I can't find you in our system.
Okay, calm down.
Chew an aspirin and calm down and let me talk.
Can you do a warm transfer?
Can you let them know what's going on and put me through then?
Don't just drop me off.
Our system, we can only transfer calls.
We can't really call in with a separate line.
So I can, I can transfer you in, but that's about it.
All right, go make it so.
All right.
Toilet Offline.
Toilet Offline.
Good evening.
Thank you for calling Houston Town Place.
He's by Marriott.
This is Josh.
How may I help you?
Hey, Josh.
I was transferred by the guy at the courtyard.
The guy at the courtyard by Marriott said you could help me.
Help you with what exactly?
Well, I'm in the toilet.
I'm in the bathroom.
What do I do?
Um, in which room?
In the room that my uncle's staying at, you know?
Are you here at the hotel?
Yeah, in the bathroom.
Which, okay, you're at the Town Place Suites Hotel?
Say what?
You're at Town Place Suites?
I'm in my bathroom at the Town Place Suites, yeah.
Yeah, which room?
I don't know. Bathroom.
What's your last name?
The room's not in my name. I don't know if you understand that.
Okay, what exactly do you need help with?
I'm in the bathroom. I'm trying to use the toilet. I don't know what to do.
You're trying to use the toilet?
I don't know how to make how to use it. What do you mean with it? What's wrong with it?
Well when I try to use it enter toilet code
It's talking to me enter toilet code toilet offline. It says toilet offline and toilet code
I'm not sure you but we don't have those type of toilets here
So you said you're saying at the town play suites by Marriott? Yeah I said damn it
Hi, I am John your smart toilet assistant. Please call the front desk for help
it says call a friend that's for help he said hi my name is john your smart toilet assistant
yeah we don't have smart toilets here to urinate select number one to defecate select number two
for a little of both select number three to vomit just begin vomiting now hello yeah yeah i'm not
sure what you're talking about we don't have those i'm not talking the toilet is ignorant
Yeah, I know. I'm sad. I don't know if we have those toilets here.
Flush error number 271.
What's flush error 271 mean?
Enough of that.
Let's get out of the echo toilet chamber.
All right, here we go. Normal voice.
I'd like to invite everyone to head over to madhouselive.com.
Subscribe to my podcast if you haven't already.
If you already have, thank you.
Listen to my prank calls and all that shit.
I really wanted to do a prank call thing to make me feel better, I thought.
So here I am.
And the Spring Hill Suites Las Vegas Convention Center, located at 2989 Paradise Road, across the street from the Las Vegas Convention Center.
For reservations, availability, and rates, please press 1.
For our sale boxes, please press 6.
For all other inquiries, please press 0, and the next available agent will be hot.
You are being transferred to the operator.
Good evening. Thank you for calling the Spring Hill Suites Las Vegas Convention Center. This is Brent. I may assist you.
Hey, stupid ignorant.
Sorry?
Is this stupid ignorant?
Is who here?
Stupid ignorant?
Yep.
Hey, Brett.
Yep.
All right, so I'm in the bathroom, and I don't understand what's going on.
How does this work?
What's that?
I'm in the bathroom.
I'm trying to use the toilet, and I don't know what to do.
Oh, that sounds like one.
Well, it's asking for a code.
Enter toilet code.
I've never seen a toilet that talks, like a talking toilet.
Yeah, that's very interesting.
Enter toilet code.
Toilet offline.
Offline.
It says toilet offline error.
Enter toilet code.
Where is that at?
In my toilet room.
In your what?
In the toilet room.
Oh, yeah.
Enter toilet code.
All right.
Enter toilet code.
You're not helping me, slucker.
Have a magical day at Chuck E. Cheese's.
Welcome to Chuck E. Cheese's Reservation and Information Center.
Make your magic at Chuck E. Cheese's.
My name is Kyra.
How may I direct your call?
What's your name, Hyra?
Kyra.
Hyra.
May I say that one more time?
You said your name was Har?
Kyra.
Oh, hi.
I smell tuna.
Hi.
I smell tuna.
Make that one more time.
I smell tuna.
How may I direct your call?
I have a complaint.
I was there with my child, and there was a man holding a letter, like a sign that said
sex, S-E-X, on it, and he came up to my daughter, and he said, hey, this word is something that
feels really good to do, he was saying.
Okay, well, I'm going to give you to my manager then, okay?
Okay
You're making what
What are you making there
Hey ignorant why did you hang up the phone
Hey ignorant manager
Stupid ignorant why did you hang up the phone
Yo dog listen
Yo dog listen
People don't like being called stupid ignorant
We're making magic at Chuck E Cheese
How can I help you
Hey, stupid ignorant.
Go fuck yourself.
Make a magic attack you, too.
Did you make it there?
Yay, Dwight, thank you for ruining it.
I wish Dwight was offline.
Let's see, where was he?
The fucking Dwight fucking ass.
I forgot how to do a show.
I ruined the prank.
Hey, jerk.
Yeah, I ruined the prank.
Hey, ignorant.
Ignorant.
How you doing there?
I'm pretty good.
How you doing, motherfucker?
I'm good, motherfucker.
Make a magic attack you, too.
How may I help you?
Hey, boy, how you doing?
You ignorant?
Who this?
Hey, ignorant.
I don't understand.
Ignorant.
Yeah, exactly.
You don't understand because you're ignorant.
Stupid.
Anyway, how are you, Dwight?
I'm decent.
I'm decent.
Decent?
No, you're not.
What do you mean?
You're very indecent, bro.
Well, yeah, I mean, I'm not fully clothed right now.
Yeah, you heard I was doing the toilet codes and all that.
Did you hear that?
Yeah, yeah, I was listening.
That was fun on your show.
I sent you the calls you did from that show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like the whites only, the whites only room.
The tick room.
My girl.
My girl.
I'm a cool guy.
Yeah, yeah.
I can't believe Nashville offered to pay your $1,000 flight out to California.
It's crazy.
That's crazy because I can't go.
Sorry.
But he can still send you the $1,000, right?
Yeah, totally.
I'll put it to you.
All right, next call.
I bet it's a stupid ignorant that picks up.
Yeah.
I'm Roundtable Pizza. I'm 19 in Buffalo. My name is Jasmine. Let's be done and take out your delivery.
Hey, stupid ignorant. Hey, stupid ignorant.
Who's this?
I'm the...
Hello.
Hi. My name is Meat.
Hello.
My name is Meat.
I'm Meat. Meat. M-E-A-T. Okay?
Okay.
Why are you so stupid ignorant? Why are you so stupid ignorant? Shut up.
You know, I'm sorry I'm such a failure. Yeah.
Why don't you shut up?
Tee hee hee. Tee hee hee. You're so funny.
how old are you do you have pubic hair on your private parts hello okay you're annoying me bye
that's what you get for asking dumb questions yeah she she likes being talked to like a dirty
girl i guess so why did i start a show i'm stupid uh yeah more show yeah now i don't want to do it
that girl's a freak in the sheets she likes being talked to dirty but hey like that
oh wow bucca di beppo i haven't been to bucca di beppo in a long time such a good restaurant
you ever been to one of them what's that bucca di beppo it's an italian restaurant it's family
style eating so you go with a big group and you sit down and everyone orders like one thing and
it comes out like like if you order like lasagna a big lasagna comes out it's like a family dinner
so everyone you know shares oh so you get to have a little bit of everything yeah it's pretty cool
Oh, it's like Thanksgiving all over again.
Yep.
Or Sunday dinner, you know?
Yeah, no, no.
I've never been to those.
Like, I know when we went to Chicago, me and you wanted to go to the fucking steakhouse,
but nobody else wanted to do it.
I know.
I wanted to go and get the Brazilian steak.
Yeah.
They walk around, they're like, you want steak?
And then they cut you steak.
Yep.
Fogo to show, and Jai's like, oh, I can't do that.
That's too expensive.
Come on, live a little, man.
Remember how I got Jai without water?
water no that was me asshole what do you mean no no oh no the bottled water he was all freaked out
that uh that um he was paying for like a 15 bottle dollar bottle of water yeah and uh what's his face
was stealing them from the little room in the hotel well that was wasted memory wasn't memory
yeah he kept stealing them for me i said i was like hey give me another bottle of water he go
in the room and give me another bottle of water so i came back with and i drank it and i left
the empty bottle where the the the the bottle where our room bottle is what had been and i
hid it i hid the one that we would get charged for and giant woke up and saw it all opened up
and drank it he was all pissed off yeah you took the tag off of the real one and put it on that
fucking empty bottle too and yeah oh yeah i got up another night to get a bottle of water out of
the fridge which we stocked like fully and i'm like oh that's no good oh man and then you you
You hit me with the goddamn shower and the goddamn motherfucker.
Yep.
And Jag was blow drying his pubes and you walked in on him.
That was G-Odd.
He walked in with a camera going.
So there's video of it out there of Jag TV's schlong.
Oh, boy.
Yeah, there was supposed to be some type of, I don't know, video that G-Odd was going to do, but it never happened.
He was like, oh, we're going to record everything.
because then he went and he invited all those people to a room
it's like dude what are you doing yeah it was a little cramped that was i was surprised everybody
had a place to sit i was like holy shit there's like 15 people in there that one crazy guy that
was drinking my whiskey and i bumped into him outside on my way back he was drunk and he
wouldn't let me leave hey man hey man it's fucked up jag's fucked up man he kicked us all out and
Maybe we were being a little loud, but he was drunk off his ass being in the car.
Oh, fuck.
Who was that?
Casey Jones.
That's who that was.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, we did have to, like, drive home, like, that next fucking morning.
Like, everyone was like, why aren't you getting drunk with us?
I was like, I thought you guys were cool.
Skyline Dental, may I help you?
Skyline Dental?
Yeah.
I went to the dental place, and the doctor says, sit down.
And I sat down, and then he punched me in the face.
He punched me in the teeth.
And then I woke up, and my pants were unbuttoned.
And your what?
My pants were unbuttoned when I woke up.
When he gave me the gas, and I got my dental work, and my pants were unbuttoned.
Your pants were unbuttoned?
My pants were unbuttoned when I was done at the dental care.
And what is your name, please?
Julio.
Julio, what is your last name?
Aculo, A-C-U-L-O.
A-C-U.
Uh-huh.
What time was your appointment?
3 p.m.
Huh?
3 p.m.
3 p.m.?
Okay, no worry.
We have a camera on every single hour.
So we will reveal the camera, okay?
Everything we do right there always have a light person witness,
and we also have the camera system on.
Is that, whoa, are you making a pornography with me in it?
No, I'm just informing you.
So we will go over what's going on, and then we will follow up with you.
i woke up i wake up he's he punched me in the teeth he punched me in the teeth doctor punched
me in the teeth okay and then i wake up and my pants unbuttoned okay so i i told you already
we will go over the camera and find out what's going on you do that okay stupid thank you okay
okay bye yes hello hello are you dentist dental malpractice yes i went to dentist i
I went for decay.
They did awful thing.
He ripped my teeth out my gum.
I cannot talk.
I cannot eat.
Curse me and hit me while I'm sleeping.
And then he put me under sedation.
I wake up my pants on button.
My teeth gum is dripping blood.
I cannot even blow bubbles when I chew gum when I drive cab.
Where is it?
Where is it?
They asked me, threw me out, and then Mr. Rocco on Bronx, Mr. Rocco, Louis Rocco, he
said, yes, I go there for a cab, I stop cab, my tooth hurting, I go in, he say, sit down,
then he punch my teeth, I'm bleeding, and then my pants unbuttoned, and then they curse
me.
Um.
Five, nine, one.
Yes, it's okay.
I wake up my pants unbuttoned through this thing.
They don't work.
Why?
I'm new in this country, and this is the treatment by people.
Okay, what is your name?
My name is Ali Kamal.
I don't make even a chewed popcorn, nothing.
Help me, Allah.
I pray to Allah that somebody help me.
Please help me.
This man must be stopped.
Did you call another firm?
No, I called you from newspaper.
newspaper thank you for calling check city on lake mead and tory pines this is stacy speaking
how may i help you hi stacky stacy is my name stacky hi okay what can i do for you sir this
is the check cashing place right yeah this is the poor people uh bank this is the what sir
the bank what did you need the bank for poor people this is um this is check city on lake
mead and tory pines yeah but if you're if you're like a poor like a black person with bad credit
it and you can have a bank account you come here with your paycheck right and you give me the you
give the money for like a big fee you take a big fee out of it if you're what kind of a person sir
like you know i don't i really i don't know but if you come in with your check to be cashed
you will look at your id we'll look at the maker of the check see if it's good
What's that mean?
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da
Well, it depends
There's lots of things that it could depend on
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da
That's why if you're
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da
Da-da-da-da-da
How did you say it? Sing it again, sing it
Okay, sir
Can you sing it again?
No, I want to hear you sing again
Da-da-da-da-da-da
Shut up
shut up shut up excuse me i said shut up you ignorant stupid ignorant you know what a labia is
yeah close your legs it smells bad smells like tuna fucking don't speak your phone me
they really don't like being called stupid ignorant tonight no one likes that imagine
someone called you stupid ignorant what would you do you'd be like yeah me yeah
I don't know what that means.
Oh, he's got a point.
Fuck.
I gotta say this in order to prove it's a
lion show.
Oh, God. Where is it?
Hey, Catastrophe 3.
Suck a dick because this shit
be live. There you go. See?
Yeah, suck a dick.
Yeah, Matt's dick. Suck it.
Play this song while you do it.
Oh, I put her in the mood.
hey ignorant how much is gas is it 278 yes okay thank you is that good gas yes okay can you
how's it taste i don't know i'll punch you yeah great call that was stupid
god carlito did you see the news what apparently matt fucking hillock got his cock caught in a
a zipper today oh that happened when i was a kid that's bad he says just got caught caught in
zipper super bad moms came rushing in thinking i was having a heart attack with my sounds
got backed out and all is well but fucking hell what a day yo oh shit so he did uh there's
something about mary he got the franks and beans in the zipper that happened to me as a kid once
Gotta be careful, man.
I see P's too much.
He's always P'ing, P'ing, P'ing.
That's the P.P.'s?
Oh, this number's way too low.
Oh, damn.
Big ol' wanker.
This is B.B.B.?
Yes.
B.B.B.?
Yes.
I need a toilet.
We don't sell toilets in stores.
We sell toilet seats, but...
This is Bed Bath & Beyond.
Yeah.
Maybe you're stupid ignorant, but you don't know what the bathroom is for.
Maybe you're stupid ignorant, but you don't know what the bathroom is for.
I do, sir, but we don't sell them in store.
We can have someone try to look them up online for you, but not in store.
Yeah, do you have a bathroom there?
Oh, we do have a bathroom.
I'd take that toilet.
I don't know if that...
You can't do that.
Yeah, I can.
I have tools.
I have a hammer.
i can get it out with the hammer what's that i was talking to someone else i'm with the customer
what'd you say to the customer for total how much was it an amount okay and what's the amount
quantify it um what's a double digit number oh you're real smart yeah so what are the numbers
stupid probably 12 bucks 12 bucks what's she buying coffee stuff okay does she look good
is she attractive woman i think so does she have big bosoms that's a bit of a more personal
no question well what are you liking a woman well considering i am a woman uh-huh a woman can like
a woman woman can like woman i'm not one who is well you said you thought she looked good say that
again you said you thought she looked good just because i'm not doesn't mean i can not compliment
someone okay well tell her tell you think she looks she's very well put together tell her
well i touched myself i apologize so that is quite inappropriate sir it's too late i'm already doing
You can't stop me.
I'm doing it now.
You really have nothing else to do right now, do you?
I'm masturbating.
This is time for me to masturbate now.
Okay, I'll leave you to it.
This is masturbation time.
Goodbye, sir.
Bye.
I reached the voicemail box of 702203.
All right, you still there?
Yes, I am.
You're all quiet.
Well, because I got my fan going in the background.
I can hear it going over your audio.
How about ready to check out?
No, no, no.
You should call the hotels and tell them that you're yelling voice commands at the shower,
but it won't turn on.
Fucking smart showers.
This is a good song to fuck to.
Yeah, that's the whole point.
I'm going to get a karate instructor on the line.
Oh, is this the karate guy?
Hello?
Hello, do you do karate?
Yeah, yeah.
It's a taekwondo, not karate.
What's better, taekwondo or karate?
It depends on person to like it.
But techniques of kicking, better form, discipline.
Big penis?
Yeah.
Okay.
So you teach.
How much can I pay you to kick your ass in front of my children?
Who?
How old are your kids?
Well, my kids are 8 and 10, and I want them to respect me.
So I wanted to pay you money.
I take them down there to your dojo, or whatever it is.
Okay.
And I pay you the money, and then I kick your ass in front of them.
So they see me kick your ass, you know?
You let me do that?
Can I come by?
Huh?
When do you come?
Well, you tell me.
I want to come and I'll kick your ass.
And I want my family to see me kick your ass, and they're going to be like,
Wow, Dad, he's strong.
He kicked a Taekwondo guy's ass, you know?
When can I come?
Oh, you're coming?
Can you come tomorrow?
Yeah, to kick your ass.
How much to kick your ass?
How much I pay to kick your ass?
You're more serious.
You can come out to kick the $40.
So I pay you $40 and I can kick your ass?
You don't fight back?
You just let me kick your ass?
Why you joke around?
No, I want to kick someone's ass in front of my kids so they respect me.
You have to respect the person, the other person first.
No, no respect for other people.
No, I don't respect other people.
I kick everyone else's ass.
I want them to see me kick someone's ass.
You have so bad behavior talking to me, okay?
So I don't want to talk with you.
Can you teach me to kick someone's ass?
You look at the other place.
No, you don't say like this, okay?
This is not...
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.
You shut up, okay?
I know you have a phone number.
Don't be careful.
No, shut up, please.
You shut up.
Okay?
Are you going to kick my ass?
Who do you think you are?
What's going on over there?
A lot of noise.
Hey, Big Carlos.
Hi, Big Dom the Bomb.
What's up?
Hey.
Bibbidi-bop-de-bop.
You did a show on PCN,
and then I saw you did another show not on PCN already a few days ago.
Why?
Well, I mean, I didn't want to overdo it.
There's no overdoing.
You just go.
If no one else is on, you go on.
That's it.
Okay, okay.
I mean, do you want to join the family or no?
I don't understand.
Yeah.
Apparently not.
I will join promise he's joining good good when's jag tv doing his next show that
motherfucker please stay on the line and you'll be transferred to the next available agent
you're doing the show and it's like the first show me too I really I really needed you to talk
about what I've been going through um I don't you know I got a little pissed off talking saying
shit reddit my subreddit like that I owe an explanation why I'm not doing I don't know
know oh i didn't want an explanation why i'm going through because whenever i try to open up and tell
the community or my listeners about stuff that i'm going through it just gets used to make fun
of me on youtube comments and shit later on so why would i want to share with with you people
fuck you guys i just feel like that's fucking how people are now they're just all a bunch of
controls crazy man some motherfucker texting me while i'm at work you're talking very important
Please stay on the line and you'll be transferred to the next
available agent. I didn't know you were
at work. God. Not you.
Someone else. I told you to say, hey man, can you
stop fucking texting me? I don't know
who the fuck you are. You got my personal cell phone
number. I don't know who you are. I honestly
don't want to talk to you. I don't know you.
Okay, sorry. Yeah, everybody wants to be
fucking edgy. Everybody wants to be fucking
like funny. Just say some stupid
shit to piss people off.
Pretty much all of them. I deleted my Facebook for
like eight months. That's why I did it. It's cause
Because, like, everything, fucking every little post, no matter what it was about, there was always a fucking argument about the stupidest little fucking shit.
Whether it was political, whether it was about food, whether it was just fucking stupid.
Like, everyone has to be, like, better than the next person.
Yeah.
Oh, shit, Carlito, update.
Hillock's in the back of an ambulance right now.
He falls.
Because of his penis and his zipper?
No, no, no.
That was yesterday.
Like, 31 minutes ago, there was a video on Facebook of him in the back of an ambulance.
No.
Yeah, he fell.
Oh, no.
He fell?
Yeah, he had another fall machine.
Oh, no.
You know, it says old man Hillick just fell again.
Going to try the hospital.
Took enough time to take a picture of himself before the ambulance got there.
And then he took a video of him in the ambulance.
It's like you hear the sirens and him being, like, raced over there.
He was just saying today he wanted the life alert because if anything's wrong.
wrong well everyone i'll keep matt in your thoughts and prayers i hope he's all right i'm
sure he's all right if he's posting videos probably right this is precautionary thanks for calling to
how can i help you hi hi is this karate yeah all right um i was wondering how much for me to be
able to come in with my kids and uh kick i want to kick the the the bat the the karate man's ass
in front of my kids so that they respect me what how much can i pay the the karate guy
the instructor like to take a dive you know like in a boxing match i mean i'll probably just come
in and be like hey might need to teach my kids a lesson and we'll be like i go yeah that's what i
mean i go yeah i just want him to not retaliate i just want to punch him a lot and stuff like i
want to pick him up and throw him through a table i want to take it i want to take i want to take
his ninja clothes off and everything and be like hey kids look at this look how small he is you
know look how small his pecker is in front of everyone oh my god yeah because i want my kids
to respect me gotcha or if i could slap a woman you know okay that place was called karate for
kids i want to come in and beat up and slap a woman slap a woman sorry you're going through
a bunch here bro but i'm glad you're back thanks i'm glad to be back i miss this amount of like
Like, I'm all slow and stuff with ideas and getting the calls to go
because I didn't realize how complicated my setup had become.
I didn't do a show for two months.
Thank you for calling your local Walmart.
We appreciate your business and look forward to the opportunity to serve you in our store.
And the toilet.
For pharmacy, press 1.
For electronics, press 2.
For pickup, press 3.
For deli, press 4.
Did you get hit by that super snowy shit, that polar whatever?
Oh, yeah, that vortex shit.
That was sucky.
it even fucking snowed over here in california holy shit we had freezing rain uh today but now
it's gonna be 50 tomorrow so fuck that ice fuck it no one doesn't know anymore it's a fucking
freezing rain one day 50 degrees the next nature's just pissed off at everyone look out some people
like dwight are like global warming so much for global warming the whole thing there was a big
disservice made when the the experts started calling saying it was going to be global warming
they should have said weather instability
because that's what's actually going on
it's an instability of normal
weather patterns
when we had that
fucking stretch for about four days
where it was below zero like negative
15 like regular temperature
and Trump was like
Midwest really wish we could get some of that global
warming and I was like fucking right we do
I'm stupid
ignorant I'm Trump
I've got a vagina water in my head
what the what
oh man I'm gonna go
Dom I leaving I leave you
goodbye sir
alright I'll do another show
hopefully next week I do another show
yeah Friday
it'll be Fridays
next week we cool to do one then
me and strange
yeah of course anytime as long as someone else is already on
you go on yeah
Dwight always does a show
same week same night
Same night, day of the week, same time
I'm fucking pretending
We do one next week
We do one next week, okay
Yeah, like I said, if no one else is on
Go ahead and go on, it's fine
Alright, and welcome
Alright, good, yeah
It's Donald the Bomb
And the Super Foam Brothers
The Stupid Foam Brothers
Alright, bye
Let's connect this Skype
Dwight, I'll talk to you later
Thanks for joining
alright everyone
sorry I wasn't able to do a show
I really wanted to do a show
thanks
Tupac ain't mad at me
I didn't even take a break
I'm gonna go and watch Star Trek now
go to sleep
another show soon
you know
I'll get back on the ball
start editing the podcast
again don't worry
it's coming
all right i don't want to sit here talking so i'm gonna go i'm gonna disconnect everything
good night everybody
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