God Dammit – 2/23/2019 Show - Madhouse Live Search

I'm in the streets listening to Madhouse Live

I hope my speech can compete with that bad mouth style

That we get from Carlito, that's my big amigo

So just kick back to listen to this cat call

People, when this show goes live, I be like

Damn, this shit's bitchin'

Stop whatever I'm doing to tune in and listen

You can catch me in the back of his home

At Horse Machine Ranch Road

I'm bustin' mad fat flows for assholes and banchos

My spit crazy, shout out to Big Amy

That's nice, honey, baby

We kissin' pussy, so ladies, such a labor

It's crazy how the stuff that my bruh might say to you

Face it, cause it's the number one prank cast

Stay back if you can't handle all the straight laughs

That we hand to your dome

And if you want, call the number

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Big up to the man in the madhouse

You show love, you stick your motherfuckin' hands up

Some come close, but they can't get it right

Let the king do his thing, it's time for Madhouse Live

Big up to the man in the madhouse

Are you going to let me talk to your manager?

little baby here little hooker

about what's going on in there a lot of bullshit talk i know that much

bullshit my friend do you know something don't listen what do you know maybe i do and maybe i

don't what i say is they got no business negotiating they'll be going back in there

with a bullet for everybody in the yard oh is that right we do it now we do it later later

ain't gonna be no use right al now wait wait wait wait a minute i got a lot of angry guys in there

There are black Muslims, panthers, young lords, besides you, average antisocial.

We got to go in, right? Clean your clocks.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Happy Classical Show Mall.

Now offering our Gleam Free Classics.

This is Micah speaking. How can I help you today?

Is this a computer or a real person?

It's a real person.

Oh, my name is Sally.

Hey.

I wanted to make an order.

Do you deliver?

Where are you located, Sally?

Sally's my name.

I'm at the Stratosphere Casino Hotel.

okay so um unfortunately we have us personally we can't deliver because we don't have a driver

or anyone say why you can't deliver because you don't have a driver no we don't but if you go

through fucking if you go through a website called postmates oh i know i know postmates i know

postmates yeah just go order through them and they can pick up the pizza and deliver it to you

Okay. Okay, I guess. Listen to my zipper. Listen. I'm gonna open my zipper. Put it here in my zipper. Listen. I'm in the bathroom now. I'm in the bathroom in my hotel room.

I'm gonna open my zipper. Is that what I'm doing?

Hello? Help? Okay. Excuse me. Toot toot. Well, there are more pizza places that can take my order. I have a silly idea for one, and I want you all to hear it.

Why am I sitting here making us all hold?

This isn't real world.

Toot toot.

Serena.

Hey, how you doing, you stupid Momo?

I need to make an order.

Do you deliver to the Stratosphere Tower?

To the Stratosphere Tower?

Where in the tower?

In my room.

We don't go to the rooms.

You got to meet us downstairs by the strip joint.

Yeah, you're real smart.

By the valet.

Okay, I can do that.

That's fine.

All right, hold on.

So what does it matter where in the Stratosphere then?

No shit, I'm going to go downstairs and pick it up.

Can I let you come to my room?

Big, fat, greasy Italian.

Stupid ignorant.

All right, let's start with the phone number.

Oh, yeah?

702?

Mm-hmm.

Your name?

Sally.

S-A-L-L-Y.

We said the valley of the stratosphere, right?

Of course I'm going to come down.

I'm not going to have you people come to my room.

Pervert or come over here and touch all my things.

Well, they won't let us.

Okay, what do you want, Sally?

I need two plain pizzas, two plain pizzas, and two cheese pizzas.

Two plain and two cheese?

Yeah.

That's the same thing.

Hey, hey, tough guy.

Listen, I want two of them with cheese.

Hey, I'll bring my shoes, too.

Yeah?

Two large, someone else?

Two plain pizzas.

Two large plain.

Right, that's cheese.

What do you mean you're going to bring your shoes?

I'm just joking.

You can joke, I can't.

Come on.

I'll make you eat the fucking shoes, okay?

Hey, how big a boy are you?

6'1", 375.

Oh, you can lose some weight.

My name's Mario.

I grew up in Brooklyn.

Oh, yeah?

You want me to deliver them?

It's going to cost you extra.

You want to share the bed?

I had my share.

I had my share as a beating with shoes.

Uh-huh.

I'm going to bring your shoes.

Come on, Sally boy.

What do you want?

I got all day here.

Two plain pizzas, two cheese pizzas.

I got it.

What else, brother?

Why are you asking me what do I want?

I told you already.

Okay, just the pizzas.

You got it.

You need some plates, nappings, cheese, and peppers?

Taking it back to your room?

Well, I want cheese.

Yeah, cheese pizza.

No, I mean parmesan cheese, red peppers.

Oh, yeah.

And some plates.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll hook you up.

Yeah, knives and forks.

Yeah.

Okay, what else, buddy?

All right, tell you what.

You wear a 3X?

Yes.

All right.

Very good.

Can I get your underwears?

3X underwear, 3X shirt.

Well, whatever you're wearing, we'll trade.

Okay?

I'll be trading.

I want to pull down your pants and your panties on the bed.

I don't even wear underwear.

Oh, okay.

You just wear...

I'm a free baller.

Okay.

All right, shithead.

Sally.

Yeah.

Sally.

What?

Come on, man.

It's cash only, right?

You tell me.

I'm not the owner.

Cash only.

$34.45.

That's fine.

What about chips?

Can I pay with chips?

Ceno chips?

No, no chips.

Cash only.

Okay.

Dead presidents.

Dead presidents only.

Okay.

All right.

Okay.

All right.

Give us about 45 minutes.

We'll give you a call and meet us downstairs.

All right, big pun.

I'll send you my best driver.

She's really a knockout.

Yeah, she got big tits.

You'll like her.

Okay.

All right.

I want to eat the pizza sauce off of her.

Oh, my.

Actually, goodbye.

I got to go.

Hey, hey, do you know what the labia is?

Do you know what labia is?

Labia?

Yeah.

Is that Greek?

No, no.

Labia.

You don't know what labia is?

What is it?

It's a vagina lip.

Yeah.

I just got that from my driver.

You got some labia from your driver?

Yeah, nice.

She just told me that.

Is she the one that's coming down to bring her labia to me?

I mean, I used to know some Greek.

I forgot it.

Malacca.

I forgot how to say it.

You're a Malacca.

Malacca.

Yeah.

Malacca.

Hey, so you gave the fat Italian guy Mario, you gave him your labia?

No, I didn't.

That's what he said.

He said he got that from you.

Okay, phone's ringing.

We got to go.

All right, bye.

Bye, big vagina.

All right, ciao.

Bye-bye.

Bye, big vagina girl.

All right.

That was okay.

Two cheese pizza, two plain pizza.

Been sitting on that idea for like a whole month

So worth it

So worth the effort

Eh, I'll try it again

I'll bring my shoes too

I guess he's talking jerky boys

He'll bring his shoes and glasses

At that point it was over

I knew he wasn't going to take it

Hey stupid, I want to see if I can make an order

Who?

Stupid

702-757-2018

72018

Yes

What can I get you?

Okay.

I want two large cheese.

Now, first of all, do you deliver to the Stratosphere Hotel?

Yeah, we go to the Stratosphere.

We just can't go up to the Stratosphere.

I know.

It's a rule.

I'll come down where the strip joint is with the valet.

Yep.

Okay.

All right.

So two large cheese pizzas.

Real quick.

Sorry to interrupt you.

What's the room number, just for another point of contact?

227.

And the first and last name on the room reservation?

Sal Labia.

S-A-L is my first name.

My last name is Labia.

L-A-B-I-A.

Okay, cool.

So go ahead with the order.

Two large cheese pizzas and two large plain pizzas.

Two large cheese and two large plain?

Yes.

The cheese is the plain one.

No, listen, buddy, all right?

I already had this problem with one of the other pizza places here in this stupid place, this stupid city.

Yes, sir?

Two plain large cheese, two plain.

Okay, so two cheese.

Two large cheese, two plain.

Yep, is that it?

Well, I want to make sure you understand.

understand i want two large cheese pizza two yeah that's what i have yet okay all right can

you pay with credit cards yeah uh when you get here i can we have to take you over the phone

sir well can i pay cash um we're just doing credit card orders right now well i want to pay

over the phone with cash i have the you want to pay over the phone with cash yeah i read you the

serial numbers and you put them through the computer okay all right i have a five dollar

note here to start out with all right i can't do that sir um can you credit card or not no

this is united this is united states money you can do an online web or look the law says you

have to accept cash do you have to it does okay yeah this is secured by the this is this cash is

secured by the by the federal department by the united states department of treasury

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Hello, thank you for calling the box office.

This is Ariana.

Who do I have to question?

Hey, what's your name, Uran?

Ariana.

Urena.

Ariana.

Urena.

that reminds me of p hey is there someone that can come to my room to touch it sorry is there

someone there who can touch it okay so this is the box office for the mj live box um well i'm

staying in the hotel part and i need someone to come here and bring the paper and touch it okay

so i will just transfer you hurry up bye urine she transferred me to hang up to the release

least apartment. The song goes out to her. Come in. Hello. Pull up. Pull up. Hello. Come in.

A culo, come in

Fucker

Hello

You selling a four towers?

Yes, I am

Oh, okay

Uh, what can you tell me about?

Uh, hang on just a moment, please

Okay, sexy woman

Hello

Hey, that woman is sexy?

You what?

Is that a sexy woman I was just talking to?

Oh, that's my wife.

Can I help you, son?

Is she sexy?

Do you have four tourists for sale?

No, we don't.

Thank you.

What do you mean?

Yeah, you do.

Two thousand.

They did, but I ruined it.

She had to put the man on the phone.

Of course.

Like a frisbee, gangsters and girls make the world twirl.

No hesitation.

I can run a nation from incarceration.

Thirty years is what I'm facing.

But give me seven C's and eleven G's.

I make enough cheese to bring Wall Street to its knees

Nigga, please, I got enough guns to fill the Empire State Building full of ones

Go to school is what you tell us, but niggas in school is scared out of good fellas

We got the yayo, you can just say no, but nobody makes a fucking move until I say so

That's how it is, that's how it's gonna be, kids, when you grow up, who the fuck you wanna be?

Like me, your black superhero, got enough zeros to hire Rob Shapiro

Your honor, I'ma have to get rid of ya

Because it ain't no trivia

About my flat in West Bolivia

I blew the jewelry a kiss

They'd rather dismiss

Than swim with the big fish

Ya fuckin' guppies

Next shot, pickin' hokin'

You got a bed there for sale?

Oh, I'm sorry. You got a house for rent?

No.

Aw, why? Shit, why don't you take it down

from the fuckin' shit, motherfucker?

I need a fuckin' heat. I got a bald head.

Motherfuckin', let me move in.

Hey, you shit. Mr. Shit. Mr. Shit. Hey, shit guy. Wait, you watch NASCAR over there, buddy? Bubba?

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on target yeah hey um how you doing i just want to yourself i need to let you know about something

i'm uh i'm i'm shopping here and i was in the bathroom and there's this old guy who came in

by himself inside to the bathroom all right in the men's room and he was in the stall and he was

like like pooping and like making a lot of noise it was really funny he was struggling like that

he's like like struggling and i turned okay i turned the light off on my way out and he went

he got scared stupid stupid asshole right he's probably in there right now he's probably in

there in the dark right now okay um no i just wanted you to know one moment it was really

funny because he's sitting there making a lot of noise trying to poop it was funny i just thought

Oh, all right, thank you, sir.

Okay.

Thank you for telling me this.

Yeah, it was funny.

He might still be in there pooping right now if you want to go in and hear it.

It's really funny.

One second.

Can you tell me that again, please?

You might want to go back into the bathroom to see if he's still in there making the noises.

It's really funny.

Okay, what did you do to the gentleman in the bathroom?

I turned the light off on my way out

And he said, oh, he got scared

And he said, no, like that

He said, no, no, like that

Okay, can I ask why you might have turned the light off?

I thought it would be funny

Because he's making a lot of pooping noises

Okay, thank you, sir

Okay, can you go check to make sure he's okay?

Can you go make sure he's okay?

Yeah, I'll get right on that

I bet you will, pervert

Thank you, sir, have a good night

Go ahead, it's really funny

Thank you, sir.

Have a good night.

I recorded it.

Fuck.

Fuck you.

It is funny when people go to the bathroom and they're like, oh, like a noise of a shitting

boobie.

And yeah, sometimes if the light, if it's the kind that you can turn off, I'll turn

it off.

It's funny.

I don't know.

I was at work and this one fucking guy who walks with a cane all slow, he was in the

handicapped stall.

He was just sitting there just going, shit, shit, like that.

I was like, what the fuck's this guy's problem?

God damn it.

Shit.

Like that.

just all yelling i don't know if he pissed himself or something or shit himself so on my way out i

turned the light off he goes scared don't make a lot of noise in the bathroom i don't need to hear

that when there is hunger there is always denis thank you for calling denis puerto rico

your call could be monitored or recorded for quality of service purposes

speak english yes i speak english okay i need to make an order okay what do you deserve uh what do

you want oh i have a question um is it close to the the chicken fighting this place the what

you know where they make the chickens fight the cock fighting okay yeah well i don't know the

time that they open or close oh i don't know anything about that where can i just get a chicken

just to kill it i just want to grab the chicken and choke it until it dies i don't know can i i'm

sure there's chickens around here right this is a third world country right how do you say

there's said mundo uh if if i can find a chicken i just want to if i could just kill a chicken i

I just want to kill it and bring it in.

I want to, like, abuse the chicken and kick it and, you know, and choke it until it dies, like, violently.

Okay, but I don't know that information, sir.

But then I, can I bring the chicken and you people make it for me?

No.

You make chicken hamburger, hamburguesa?

Okay, when I make an order is, okay, I want to make an order then.

I want pancakes, panqueques, how do you say?

Yeah.

Panqueques.

Uh-huh.

With two huevos.

Okay.

Okay, two eggs.

Yes.

Okay.

Scrambled.

No, I want them with heat.

Heat.

But like the, it's over easy, over medium, over harsh on the side up.

Heat.

Hot.

Hot eggs.

Okay.

Over heat.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay, and I don't want any dirty Puerto Ricans touching the food.

Well, that's impossible because all we have is Puerto Rico.

all their clients ah that's disgusting oh well i'm so sorry that's disgusting you know well i'm

so sorry i am more sorry than you i am more sorry than you okay okay all right guabona bye

i called her big balls guabona guabona called the old san juan water and beach club my favorite

hotel in san juan puerto rico everything is blue i have trouble with numbers connecting out

Hey Matt, be calm. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, be calm man. Are you out of the hospital yet? I ain't gonna be out of the hospital till like the meetup, yo. Shit, I ain't going to the meetup.

yeah i told them that the 13th is the latest i can say and they said well you'll be here as

long as we say you need to be here no you're you think you're entitled a grown fucking person you

go when they sign the paper it says you can go that's what it is yeah yes look at dude it's

It's fucking thundersnow in here.

I can't see anything.

Search your minicam.

Look.

Search your minicam.

Did you bring in a blacklight to the facility?

Yeah.

No, I ordered one.

I ordered one.

I've seen your Facebook photos.

Dope, yeah?

Yeah.

I want to be sure of Brian speaking.

How may I get this to him?

Brian.

Yes?

Looking at it.

Hey, Gwebong, listen.

Yes, sir?

I went to where the chicken fights are, and it's closed.

i rented a car and i came down here and i'm staying at the hotel your hotel okay so then i

went to i kept driving and i found a private property residence and they had chicken in the

tree they were sleeping so i stole one of their chickens i stole chicken well brb bye you're

telling me that you came for a cockfight and that you and you went to somewhere and what i went to

the cockfight they the the people down there at the hotel said that were the cockfight places over

here so i i got in my rental car and i came down and it's closed there's nothing going on

so then i i kept driving and i went by this place called louisa louisa i found a house like a private

house it was they had chickens no that's not a good place to go well i don't know i'm not from

here that's not that's not that's not a good thing you can get out of louisa um what's the

matter with louisa is a lot of black people here no not because of that the dangerous place i'll

be honest straight up honest that's a dangerous place well the beach is right here and there's

all these places to eat yeah so you're eating yours no but i went through louisa louisa and i

i found a house someone's house a private house and they had chicken they had like live chickens

and I parked my car

and I went on the property

and I stole a chicken.

Why would you take a chicken?

Because I wanted to see a chicken die

and the place wasn't open.

Cockfighting was a lie.

So I want to just...

Well, for that, you could have gone to Rio Grande

and over there they do cockfights every day.

Well, I don't know that.

Why didn't you people tell me that?

So I want to bring the chicken back to my room

and I want to kill the chicken.

I want to torture the chicken.

I want to punch it and kick it and choke it.

Well, sir, you cannot bring the chicken to the hotel.

And why?

Because we are...

This is legal in Puerto Rico.

I just want to kill the animal.

I want to kill the chicken.

No, but you cannot bring it back to the property.

If you want to do that, you can do that, but not for me.

Not over here.

Can I do it in front of the hotel?

Can I kill the chicken in front of the hotel?

You can do it on the beach if you want.

Yeah.

I'm going to kick it.

I'm going to kick the chicken.

I'm going to punch it.

All right.

I'm going to pull...

I'll bring it into the hotel, all right?

I'm going to bring it to the hotel, because it's a nice hotel room.

Is he Smarch, brother?

All right.

This stupid chicken...

This stupid fucking chicken, you know?

Sure.

Okay, well, I'm...

No chicken inside of the hotel.

You heard that, Matt?

No chicken inside of the hotel.

Smarch.

Come back.

Burning candles in his hotel room?

Dude, he can't do that.

Hey, come back.

Come back, asshole.

Hello

Hey

Yeah can I get a

Pain thing from my shoulder

Oh yeah yeah

Yeah yeah no rush man

He doesn't

He's milking it

Pain thing with the patch

Fentanyl patch

Bring Uncle Matty's medicine

And all of a sudden, I'm out of more ideas.

Put your headphones on, Matt, so I can talk with you.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

9-3-1-6-3-8.

Hello.

Finally, hello.

So are you burning candles in the room?

No, I...

You got electric candles? Is that what those are?

It looks like you got a bunch of candles right there.

I got my lights from my house.

Those, like, color-D lights.

It looks like you're burning candles in there like a satanic person.

no we should it's it's fucking thunder snowing out oh my god like thunder ice or there's high

wind advisory here rice you got the computer volume six computer what's the weather it's got

an echo set up in his home in his room he moved in you moved in matt you got your your amazon alexa

oh and your black light and your satanic i got a black light i got a fucking dude i got both my

my computers here i got a microphone i got um yeah like see i got uh fucking my art on the walls

already i got a bunch of hat how'd you end up there now what happened did you you fell down

yeah i was falling down a lot those like few days i remember or maybe done but um i saw you

you had a fall down thing yeah that bruise the nasty bruise yeah yeah apparently when i did that

i broke my collarbone oh it's audio so so but i walked around with it for a week but then that

the night that i went to the hospital like i was still falling down afterwards like something was

going on with me and then your penis and mom mom was like yeah yeah my penis dude my i got caught

caught in the zipper yo oh god and then it got caught in the zipper at the fucking hospital too

oh come on man it was so bad and that shit hadn't happened to me since i was a kid yeah that

happened to me when i was six years old i've never forgotten that i've always been yeah

dude it got my tip like right by the that really worked because dude it didn't fucking heal and

well it's it didn't it was when it was healing it was white around the growing it and i was like

Like, oh, my God, is this fucking puss now?

You'll never fuck again.

Oh, maybe not.

Have you masturbated yet since it happened?

Oh, I'll probably get some tail here.

They all think I'm super cool.

But I was just trying to tell her.

Oh, and then I fell down one time.

And then Ma was like, if you fall down again, we're going to the hospital.

And then I did.

You should have tripped her with your cane for saying that.

Yeah, sure.

How you like it

And then I was like

Let me pack some shit up

And pack a bunch of drug shit

And computer shit

Drug shit that you pack

Like heroin and ecstasy

Yeah heroin and ecstasy

Mushrooms

You know don't say that

Because you went to the hospital once

And you came with a bag of all this shit

You were like I got MDMA

I got Molly

No I just

Just Xanny's and reefer this time.

So, my last hospital stay, I had my wife go to the dispensary and get me tincture.

Made it a lot better.

So, what's this pain patch you get?

Is it an opiate one, or is it just like the...

I don't get a pain patch.

I get some shit rubbed on me.

It's just like some...

I don't know.

Hey, when they're rubbing around, you go, mmm, like that.

It's the moan.

Yeah.

Hey, how's this new mic sound, by the way?

It's good.

Okay.

wow man so you're all it's it's great he's doing great you like dude this i'm loving it man yeah

if if only fucking beer seriously you know you could probably get it delivered somehow i

know well they wouldn't deliver to the hospital i tried in the hospital

and the guy's like the the boss says it's illegal to deliver to a hospital he's like you know

squeaky voice team um i i'm sure dude there's a 7-eleven across the street but it's like

fucking empties in here you know yeah and then i'm gonna like i'm sure i could but it's not

gonna be like casual and it's not gonna be worth you know what i'm saying yeah like yep yeah i i

don't get the shakes it's just like i'd like to fucking chill and drink beer you know is there a

a bar or something nearby you can escape to i don't i mean that's it's such a hat you know

what i'm saying if i'm not chilling if i'm not just drinking to wear it i don't i don't want

to get your reefer you get your reefer you know you get you could tell mom mama hillock to buy

those um uh when i'm in a situation like that since i'll tell my wife to go to the grocery store

and where they have the grocery store sushi they'll have like these these things of sake

that you can't really tell

that it's not really beer

you know what I mean

yeah

you know how much I drink

to fucking

I can't have

20 fucking empty old styles

in here every day

you know

they're going to have an intervention

you know what I'm saying

so why did some therapist say that

she had been put in your life by God

because of your

Oh man that was rad

She's my main one

She's on my YouTube

Go to my YouTube right now

You should make a formal complaint

You can get her in big trouble for saying that

Oh yeah

Come on man she can't be like I'm here to convert you

Oh no she wasn't

It was just a

She was looking at my

All my devil shit

Oh look at the Nick Caesar

Drawing shirt

Yeah

old man hillock gotta see you sir yeah um oh uh just she said you're not a satanist are you

and i was like well as a matter of fact what if you are did like right before i came in here

i joined the uh the satanic temple of chicago and she was like no i was like for real i did

and i was like and everything's been working out since i have funny enough look at all these shirts

that i just made in my store and i got fucking accepted to come here they i got because this

place is like heaven this is amazing i i got that why are you saying she said this place is like

hell oh no i have what and then uh she uh she said you're seeing this that's that's what he does

he's a deceiver don't believe him and she's like dead serious you know like that aren't you worried

about what will happen when you die and then she was like like calming herself down and then she

was like maybe maybe god god put you in my life to help you no or save or something but i said

maybe maybe i was putting your life to save you from believing this foolishness you're a grown

person and she's just like huffed she's the one you're gonna fucking yeah i think so because we

We got, like, this weird shit, and, like, then the other day, she's like, me and you

fight like brothers, sister, man.

Is that Glenn?

And when my buddy John was here.

Is that Glenn?

Uh-uh.

Glenn.

Yeah.

Glenn, do you still have the Chevy Z71 wheels and tires?

No, they're done sold.

You sold them already?

Yeah.

Why?

Can I get, can I get the, who did you sell them to?

Give me their information.

I'm going to get it from them.

i'm gonna beat them up for buying them from you i wanted that shit shut up you shut up no you shut

up i'm gonna go i'll go over there and kiss you i'll go over there and kiss you on your bed and

touch you and make you gay i'll suck your dick and everything matt looks like you're drinking

beers now sorry i had to do a call okay i think you're drinking beer now no no that was a drink

what am i going i don't know man you gotta deal with it you're

and now i'm drinking a no calorie monster uh at this time of night dude what's up with you

what what i got nothing to do tomorrow i need to go to an art class if i want to an art party

to paint mardi gras masks with the rest of the fucking handicapped people tell me you can't do

that because you're a satanist mardi gras are religious thing oh yeah oh but she's all about

cleanliness and hand hygiene and shit oh the whole the whole hospital's on lockdown patients

aren't supposed to leave forest because somebody has the flu and they don't want the flu what it's

all bullshit but i'm making this think about it and so i got i got to go around the building with

my buddy yesterday um and so she was like uh so dr reager gave you a pass the pass i see and and i

I assume he went over hand hygiene with you, correct?

Both you guys.

So what you got to do is make sure to sanitize when you come and go.

Sanitize your hands.

And when you get in the elevator, maybe use your elbow to press the buttons either and try not to touch anything.

And she's like, she's all about this.

And I'm like, if she fucking knew that I'm pouring out my piss jugs in the fucking sink in the room, you know?

You know, like, I couldn't be more exact opposite of this broad.

That's why you got to fuck her.

Or I'm going to take a break.

I know.

That's what I'm thinking.

I'm thinking she's going to do something.

You got to pork her.

Oh, because she's like, dude, we're like this all the time.

You know, she's holding me by, she puts that belt around me and, like,

stands behind me and is, like, rubbing up on me and shit.

Is she the one in the video where they got you back on a crane?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's a little Italian looking girl

No she's a little Asian

I'm going to take a break

It just came

The video I just posted

Yeah

Maybe you didn't see it

You were like on the screen

Trying to get you up

And said hey look at me standing up

With one hand on the walker

I got to take a break Matt

I got to pee

Stop I'll come back

and we talk more about your penis.

Your satanic

fucking hotel that you're in.

I didn't mean to cut you off like that.

Man, I'm sorry. But I gotta pee.

Alright, bye everybody. I'll be back in

give me ten minutes.

Radio will be back right after this.

Get some more orange juice.

You are bigger than a woman. You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you. Do not let a woman

ever, ever

make you who you are.

Hey monkey, I wanna make an order.

Here's one moment please.

Okay, ugly monkey.

Okay, so what would you like to order?

Hi, Mr. Monkey, I would like to order one butter chicken.

Okay, anything else?

One chicken tikka masala.

Okay.

One benchad.

One which one?

Benchad.

Anything else?

Yeah, I want you to take a poo in the pot.

Anything else?

Make a poo in the pot, monkey.

Anything else?

Yeah, take off all your clothes for me when I come there.

Anything else?

Take off your underwear, too.

Anything else?

Show me your gandu.

show me your gandu oh well show me your gandu so matt next time that

jesus check shows up do the old trick where you stick stick your penis out for your

through your pajama pants act like you didn't know yeah let's go

what i don't have pajama pants you have pants yeah you can flop your dick over it you know

but you said the gym oh yeah that's how i do it i just stick it through the holes but a lot easier

to explain that it was an accident and then you say look at this look at this look at this look

at this yeah and you bounce it up and down and i'd be like oh yeah that's not a herpes it's just i

just gotta cut the zipper in the zipper fucking zipper dude the the hospital why are you still

i don't know man it's a complicated setup man come on let it go what do you gotta bring it up

Really?

Yeah, I can't control.

Can't control.

I turned you down lower.

Maybe that'll do.

Maybe.

All right, we can't just stop the show to work on that now.

We need to either push through or just let it go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What do?

Some of these people say, you got to do a number one, you got to do a number two.

You got to do a number three.

Hey, you should take a shit in the piss jug and leave it there for a minute.

Do the gutter?

Dude, I shit my, I fucking, I wore diapers for two days.

Not the gray ones?

So you shit your, what was it like to shit in your diaper?

Was it weird?

I didn't do any shit.

I did shit in the diaper.

Oh, it was nice because you don't got to take them off.

They rip at the sides and you can just take the whole shitty diaper in.

So that was nice.

Nice.

Yeah.

Convenient.

That was a plug.

But I mean, the shit coming out, was it weird that you were doing it in your diaper?

You're too fucking terrible, man.

Just shit in your...

It doesn't feel any different than shit in boxers, though.

You know?

Pretend you're an astronaut.

That's how they do it.

Dude, Dave.

Well...

That is just what they...

Hi.

Hi, yeah.

My friend, he did a number two in his pants.

And he has a dull diaper.

Do you have...

Okay.

Do you have a container we can put it in?

Yeah, yeah.

You can come by and pick it up.

Okay.

Are you going to charge us?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, like a couple of hundred dollars.

No, no, no, I'm being serious.

Yeah, me too.

Why are you going to charge a couple hundred dollars?

I'm sorry?

Why are you going to charge a couple hundred dollars?

Listen, I was in India once.

We were both in India once.

And we saw that people go to the beach to shit on the beach and the street.

Well, I'm not from there, so I have no idea.

Okay, but I mean, you're an Indian person.

I don't know.

You mean you don't know that people shit in the water over there?

I do not know.

They shit at the beach.

They go down to the beach to shit.

That's disgusting, you know?

They take a shit in the beach and in the river.

Yeah, crazy.

Hey, when you were born, did your mom fart or shit?

Did she poop when you came out?

No idea.

Did you ask her?

Well, I think she shit and then it turned out to be you.

That's racist.

Word.

You're a racist, you fucking monkey bancho.

Am I?

Bancho.

Oh my God, you learned some Hindi words.

Oh my God, so smart, man.

Yeah.

Is your mom proud of you?

Your mom.

Oh my God, so good.

Is there anything else?

I hate you.

Me too, man.

I hate myself too.

You're so stupid.

You meant to say that you hate me too, but you just said me too.

No, no, no.

I hate myself.

You're so stupid.

No, you were trying.

Why would you say that?

You wanted to say, I hate you too, you were going to say.

I don't hate dumb people, man.

I love all the people equally, no matter how retarded they are.

Oh, burn.

Sick burn.

Are you dark skinned or light skinned?

Dark skinned, Andy?

Why, why, why, why?

Because I like them dark.

You like them dark?

Yeah.

I am dark, man.

Oh, nice.

Nice.

Nice. Do you have a big hose? Big gandu?

What?

Do you have big gandu?

Racist.

You don't have big gandu?

Well, that is, but yeah.

Gandu's the elephant trunk, you know?

It is?

Yeah.

Shit. Huh. Makes sense now.

And now we go back to shit.

All right, look, I'm going to let you go because you're not cooperating, and I'm not feeling this.

Yeah, neither are you, so it's all right, man.

You're right.

I'm actually working right now.

What are you doing? Scratching your ass?

Do you know what work is?

I don't even know if you know what work is.

You put your fingers in your asshole. That's what you're doing.

There are two people talking, man.

One at a time, man.

One at a time.

Work is for suckers, you stupid fuck.

Work is for suckers.

He got me good.

He said that's what your mom said one at a time.

Yeah, I know.

I hate myself, too.

That's why you work at a fucking restaurant on this nice windy night, you dumb shit.

Oh, we're going to get the wind tomorrow.

That's what TV said.

I'm sending it to you.

Fart in the wind.

Dude, I can't play games on the big TV because my computers are powerful enough.

Like when I plug it in, they run, dude, the Soul Calibur or GTA 5 was running at 4 and 5 frames per second.

Just play it on a monitor.

Ted, what do you think?

Laptop monitor.

Huh?

Just play it on a laptop monitor.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I can play it.

But I'm saying in that fucking day room, you didn't see that giant TV?

yeah they got like i i wanted to you know how cool that would have been to be like high as

fuck playing fucking gta riding our freight train like a foot away from something that big

yeah it looked nice it just ran really slow i keep telling you red dead redemption man

did a lot of train action i don't i don't have a four i don't have a four though i'm sure it'll

come out on steam eventually in a couple years oh did you see my like moon boots that brace my

my feet back no i i get to sleep in them really oh yeah for for the custom made yeah like like

things that i gotta move yeah so you don't get any blood clots i've had that before no no no no no

there's some different hang on man i know what you're talking about yeah yeah they uh are like

the air things yeah i've got a weird mattress that blows itself up and down it looks like a satanic

church back in the background that's all i see is all these different color candles burning

and black light and there's like a strobe effect these things are a trip and they were

custom made to me dick in them guys i'm just not feeling it anymore i came i did a show i did

something to make up for matt uh for dwight not being here tonight but this is not going down

from right now i'm not inspired you should order a blow-up doll you should order a real doll to be

be delivered there sorry about that you should order a real doll to be delivered there oh somebody

can hey if anybody out there in radio land 355 east erie look at these man look at that wow so

only you can see it but look so you put your feet in this shit and then you crank it back a little

little more every night and to try to try to stretch your uh hamstring because my legs are so

tight okay so what's the story with where you're falling down what's going on are you all right

are you gonna yeah uh i had new mris and they didn't find anything on there um i don't know

i don't know the thing is if i don the bomb wants to be added to this you want them yeah i'm about

to end the show here

but yeah Adam

I'll add the

DW

where did he go

he just messaged me

I hit add

why is he messaging me and not you

I don't know maybe he's been messaging me

and I haven't had the screen open

I just got the video

just fucking use Skype

as a piece of shit

oh dude I have the old one

Dragomir

got a link to it

i don't want to deal with it huh i don't want to deal with installing old versions and workarounds

and all that shit i don't it's not it's just you fucking install it i just okay well don't

complain man i'm in a bad mood about it all right god okay yeah i am i remember how good skype was

originally original skype was crap oh i like it we can't we all can't be complaining anyway look

Look, I'm going to shut this down.

Hey, everybody.

All right, man.

Thanks for tuning in.

Thanks for having me on.

Thanks for being on, man.

Cheers, buddy.

Love you.

Yeah.

Gay.

Who said gay thing?

All right.

Bye, everyone.

Thanks for listening.

Sorry.

Low energy here at the end.

This is just how I've been lately.

I'm not really into the prank calls lately or the comedy.

It's kind of hard to explain.

I'll explain when I can explain.

God Dammit – 2/23/2019 Show

Calls (11, 40 min of 1 h 5 min)

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