Honey Labia – 3/9/2019 Show - Madhouse Live Search

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So just kick back to listen to this cat call people when the show goes live.

I be like, damn, this shit's bitchin'.

Stop whatever I'm doing to tune in and listen.

You can catch me in the back of his home at Horse Machine Ranch Road.

I'm busting mad fat flows for assholes and banchos.

My spit crazy.

Shout out to Big Amy.

That's nice, honey baby.

We kissing pussy, so ladies, such a labor.

Yeah, it's crazy.

We have the stuff that my bruh might say to ya

Face it, cause it's the number one prank cast

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This isn't bullshit, my friend.

Do you know something?

Don't listen to me.

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What I say is they got no business negotiating.

We ought to be going back in there with a bullet for everybody in the yard.

Oh, is that right?

We do it now, we do it later.

Later ain't gonna be no use.

Am I right, Al?

Now, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute, Frank.

We got a lot of the angry guys in there.

Black Muslims, Panthers, Young Lords.

Besides you, the average anti-socialist.

We've got to go in, right?

Clean your clocks.

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hey pussy lips how you doing how you doing pussy lips hold on a minute bitch

how can i help you yeah i'm in the bathroom and i brought in a bunch of unpaid merchandise

and i'm where are you at in the bathroom in the back where layaway used to be

let me get a manager for you well no i i'm flushing like i just flushed some like printer

cartridges and i don't give a shit the song they play right before they used to hang up on me every

time when they called lows never heard the song i knew it went to one to four to four changing the

premise of this side we do things here in madhouse and by we i mean me that's how mimi does things

me me i think i'll call a different number remembering a prank skiving i think the first

one when uh brad called walmart's uh the auto center and big stacy was over there filming it

and this guy was checking out with a shirt in the auto center so he didn't have to stand in

line at the front of the store sneaky fucker and brad called and gave him shit for doing that

That's basically saying you can't do that.

It doesn't mean you're real rude about it.

It took Stacey like a whole year to put them online.

She couldn't get the video off her phone.

It took her a whole year to do it.

I don't think I ever got to see that fucking video.

Time to steal some shoes!

Hey, I just want to let you know I tried on a pair of shoes there.

And I just walked out with them.

them and i didn't well maybe you should just walk back in with them and i didn't pay no i don't want

to i i i win i just want to say ha ha okay i got all right they're very uncomfortable can i return

them uh no i don't think so not if you just stole them well i don't want these i just wanted to try

them out well you know what what maybe you'll like sitting in a jail cell what you don't steal

Do you have a jail cell?

Oh, I'm sure we could find one.

Yeah.

Goodbye.

I bet you there's one in your ass.

This one goes out to my Aunt Karen.

Used to do exactly...

Hey, how you doing?

I was there with my wife.

I'm sorry?

I was there like 30 minutes ago with my wife.

We just left.

Uh-huh.

And she brought a big purse.

And she put a bunch...

She put a bunch of food in her purse.

And we walked out.

We didn't...

We took food away.

in her purse

hey China dirty

why Chinese people so dirty

assholes

my wife

no no you Chinese people are dirty

listen my wife

no you asshole

motherfucker

my wife

My wife had a...

You fuck you.

No, you fuck you first.

Ah, oh, you'll fuck you.

He wasn't very angry or something, but he was very insulted.

Fuck that.

China is dirty.

Dirty people.

They're always trying to pull one on us.

You can't trust a Chinese person.

Just like you can't trust a Vulcan.

They take us to the Chinese restaurant, and she would fill up this big-ass fake bag, fake Chinese, fake coach bag.

with uh she'd bring tupperware like big tupperware containers and she'd be there

she'd be there filling the fucking thing up with like pepper steak and shit she didn't give a shit

she was a real deal i remember once these chinese women they caught her they're like no no you can't

do she's like i don't need to take this we're leaving basically she grabbed my hand and stormed

off she turned it on them she'd get like a week's full of worth of meals for that pepper steak man

it's a good deal pay nine dollars for a ticket for the buffet and the whole week of food yeah

yeah i've been doing this thing you see they got that that coca-cola freestyle machine which i love

the touchscreen one they get it at the grocery store here and um you can you know they give you

a special cup and i hang on to the cups and i treat them really good the cups and i don't let

any water and stain them to ruin them and then i i just walk right back in like today i just took

my empty cup from last weekend i just walk right the back the fuck in right to the machine and

made myself um a mellow yellow zero with uh peach flavor i don't give a fuck i got a cup

how are they gonna know i got so much traffic coming in and out there there's no where they're

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Wait while I transfer you.

Thank you for calling.

I'm really grateful to be able to speak with you.

I'm going to assist you.

Why did you say all I heard was...

How can I help you?

Well, I just want to let you know that I went in there with my dog, Homer, a little bit ago.

Like 30 minutes.

We just got back.

We went there about 30 minutes ago.

And I let him eat the food.

I gave him a bully stick.

like he picked it out and he liked it so much i don't want to take away from him you know he's

sort of crying so we just walked out we just walked out with it okay a bully stick yeah he

really liked the bully stick i didn't want to take it away from him he's sort of crying and

howling a little bit i can't he's my baby you know he's my boy i can't take away child you know it's

like taking candy from the baby you know so i so i looked at this thing and it says ingredients are

one beef pizzle okay what's that what's that exactly uh what is it called again well it says

ingredients on here on the thing and this is one beef pizzle uh give me a second clap song

cisco song matt hillock song matt hillock owns the rights to the song and i had a good stand-up

thursday i killed it man that's why i didn't do a show thursday that's why i'm probably gonna move

the show to friday enjoying stand-up thursdays take a lot of elements of this show putting it

it on there like i'm concerned but i was told that it's cool why i'm concerned that it's mostly

toilet humor like i had a set a five minute set it's basically just me talking about how much

pressure it is on a man to use restrooms really is we gotta stand there next to some stranger with

our dick out at the urinal women don't know this then i started looking back like man this is really

immature it's toilet humor and that's basically how my show is just playing farts flushing stuff

up down the toilet this is uh youtube streaming is re-enabled for my youtube account and i will

be starting that out with the next show which i hope to be next week all right hello hey honey

baby how you doing flapjack hello shut up shut up all that pretty part and he's on one i'm trying

to answer all beefart homer shut up don't start with me man this motherfucker homer let me tell

you what he did this week he came out of the kitchen stupid with an entire pork chop in his

mouth no i don't want to hear it i'm telling everyone what you did you came out of the kitchen

you he just with his head really low stupid dumb ass right into the living room la la la la i stole

a pork chop we had already caught athena had already caught him my wife had already put him

him in the crate for 30 minutes he had already had a 30 minute time out because he he stole the

foil off the the pork chops in the kitchen and he got out he let him out and the first thing he

went right to the kitchen took the foil off again and stole an entire pork chop i know who he thinks

he is bro speaking of which he just got home and he's going to be going crazy to get out of the

office as soon as this call's done i'm gonna have to walk him out there and greet the wife i

I understand she was bringing me home some meatloaf.

Yeah, I'll make a meatloaf sandwich tonight.

Shut up!

Seriously, Homer should know better, dude.

I don't know who he's learning from, but he should have gone eating in the kitchen.

Then come out, stupid.

He has a preferred spot in the house he likes to eat.

He drags his bully sticks and his food and stuff in the living room, in the middle of the living room.

I think that's why he was bringing it, dumbass.

You should learn from me.

You gotta hide what you're eating in the kitchen from the wife.

Eat in the corner of the kitchen.

and turn the water faucet on so she doesn't know.

He should have gone to his pooping spot.

He's got a spot in the kitchen.

He always goes to hide to poop inside the house.

Oh, embarrassed.

Hello?

Yes?

How can I help you?

I don't know, man.

You just left me on hold.

Like, I was explaining it to you, and you just decided to leave.

Sorry, man.

I've been trying to get everybody fixed.

Because there's, like, six calls that they handed me the phone on park.

They have them on hold.

On farm?

And I was trying to put you on a hold.

Park means hold on our phone.

On farm.

Yeah, but I've been trying to cycle through.

Fart.

Yeah, my dog.

I said that I brought my dog in, and he liked the bully stick, and he just took it.

I kept trying to take it away from him, and he didn't want me to take it,

so I just walked out of the store with him.

He had it in his mouth.

You know, it's real hard.

He's a bastard now.

He looks cute no matter what he does.

How do you do that to break his heart?

You know, he picked it out and everything.

so what i'm getting at is it says the ingredients are one beef pizzle that's what it says on here

oh yeah i'm looking right at the thing too and it says one beef pizzle what's the

i have no idea that sounds weird to me let me ask i remember when i was young i used to love

the movie coming to america and in that movie there was the the scene in the in the mcdonald's

McDowell's where

C. Neal Hall beat

up Sam Jackson

when he was

trying to rob

the store and

he said he

called him a

diseased rhinoceros

pizzle.

I have no idea.

Let me ask my

manager to see if

by any chance he

knows.

All right,

Jussie Small.

I'm just going to

hang up because

you're really

pissing me off.

All right.

Hey,

why don't you

shove a champagne

bottle up your

asshole?

Okay.

What is it?

He said a

dick.

A dick.

Yeah,

that's what they

are.

They're cow

dicks.

when they slaughter the beef the cow the cow machine the bull i thought it was just when

they castrated to make steer but i guess not because it says beef so you associate beef with

when they're slaughtering the animal for food for food yeah anyway like i said i won't be right back

i could play a prank call would you guys like that sorry to leave so early into the show

listen get well enough with the morse code over there all right appreciate it enough with the

morse code on the shortwave radio from your boys out in the field messing up my radio all right i

don't know who you're talking what you're talking about i don't have any radios well your boys are

tapping into my radios when we're on our jobs and my boys on the yellow next tells her on the jobs

and they keep breaking into conversations and talking shit and we trace down his constructions

where where are you out of you tell your boys the coolest sir what's your name you shove it up your

Your fucking ass. I'll meet you anywhere.

I don't have anybody working right now.

They're all laid off.

You son of a bitch. How dare you fucking talk to me?

I'll slap you right in the face in front of your wife

and show them a realm of real man fights.

I think he's a real man.

He's talking about putting shit in your ass.

Yeah, that's true.

Did he say that?

What did he say he'd do if I met him in person

and was going to put his fingers in my ass?

Say what?

What did he say he was going to do if I met him in person

and was going to put his...

What did you say he was going to do?

He said that he was going to put his...

Who's he?

Who is he?

Who are you calling?

The instruction over there.

There is no instruction.

Tapping into my radios, my yellow neck cells.

Who is tapping your radios?

Some people from constructions.

Who are you, by the way?

This is Valentin with Valentin Associates.

Well, I don't give a shit who you are.

You don't call people and threaten them when they don't even know what the heck you're talking about.

I didn't threaten.

I asked them to stop tapping into my radios.

Nobody has tapped into your radios, mister.

He threatened me.

on my ass or something.

I'm going to threaten

your sorry fucking ass

if you don't shut the fuck up.

I don't talk to the secretary.

Put the man on the phone.

Yeah, I am the fucking secretary, buddy.

I'm the owner.

Now, what the fuck do you want?

Put a man on the phone

is what I want.

How's it?

I'm not going to talk to a woman,

you stupid fuck.

I don't talk to women.

My wife doesn't allow it.

Women mess everything up.

Are you the one

tapping into my radio?

Women mess everything up?

You.

You want my address

so you can come here?

And what?

You're going to hurt me.

You're threatening me.

I got you.

I'm writing it down.

You can't deal with a woman because you're afraid she might beat you up?

No, I don't handle with women.

I don't talk to women.

You can't even speak English.

Are you even American?

Listen, I don't usually talk to women unless I'm going to.

Stupid.

I don't talk to women unless we're going to fornicate.

Yes.

I said phone number again, okay?

Got the picture?

Well, I'm reporting you.

I'm writing you up.

What's your name?

You report me, okay?

Do you have your papers?

Why don't you go get out of this country.

Go back home to your real country.

country foreigners taking our jobs still there hang on listen this is jack yeah jack on you back

i don't have anybody working are they jacking with your phones right now i'm sorry i hope they

do a good job of it buddy this is jack who is this so fucking cold out there right now man

snow two weeks ago i went back i went back to orlando for a trip see my old man who was in

the hospital i went to see him i found in the process of renting a car i found a new service

called turo t-u-r-o it's kind of like airbnb for car rental it was pretty cool i ended up driving

around i almost um got a tesla it was there was a tesla but i ended up in a dodge challenger oh

man that car was sweet i was driving around my old my old haunts in orlando oh there goes homer

starting shit driving around my old areas i used to hang out in orlando in the dodge challenger

with the windows down it was only 70 something degrees it was up and set up at 70 instead of

like 30 back home here that was great blasting biggie smalls good times but man has orlando

changed and not for the better i'll tell you what it's become miami when i back from the

Miami in the 90s Orlando's become too many Puerto Ricans and I'm Puerto Rican I could say that

I'll tell you what was awesome though man there's a chain of buffet restaurants that are primarily

Puerto Rican food oh that was good all you can eat Puerto Rican food El Palacio is what they're

called they they bought up like some old Chinese buffets that weren't doing too good and they fixed

them up and they make they put Puerto Rican food all you can eat oh man rice and beans and

fried pork and all the good stuff man i ate there was one right in where the hotel was that i was

staying there was one right down the street i went there every day first thing i did when i got off

a plane got them they got the rental and all that i got the car went right to publix bought myself

an eight piece fried chicken publix fried chicken all dark that was my jam and then i bought an

an American sub, Publix American sub, hell yeah, hell yeah, it's good to be back home

in the old hood, it was great, good times, but way too many people living down there

now, holy shit, I'm happy I moved away when I did, because I wouldn't be able to handle

the anxiety of that, oh my god, it's like double the traffic, I don't know why so many

people fucking, I mean, there was traffic in Orlando 10 years ago when I was living

been there still but not like fucking now man white mcclanahan

McClanahan will be starting in about an hour and 20 minutes.

So I'm going to try to lead you all into the Dwight McClanahan show and I'll probably be joining in.

Yeah, dude, I don't like flying.

Just because, you know, I like to be comfortable.

Flew first class.

You know, it really took a lot of money.

It was unexpected expenses.

and i've got a pretty bad ankle injury and it hurts really bad if i'm a confined space sitting

down for a long time like in a tight space in a car so i flew first class so i could get the free

alcohol too it's almost worth it for that to calm the nerves down that was popping clonopens and

stuff yep anyway i got upset at the tsa in orlando and i told the guy that i hope he gets furloughed

it again fuck that guy fuck the tsa and i've never had problems with tsa in any airport and i've been

to quite a few never had a problem with tsa agents except for that fucking orlando international man

every fucking time they're fucking assholes to me your call has been forwarded to an automated

voice messaging system seven two i fucking get to the through the security line and they get to

where you know it's time to start taking my laptop out and all that shit and i had a backpack on

with my laptop and my ipad and some other stuff and i packed and like i said before public subs

are my jam so i got two of them the night before and i was flying back back here to pa with them

and i told them hey i've got two sub sandwiches here he's like this fucking aculo guy fucking

this older puerto rican gentleman tsa guy at the beginning of where you go through the metal

metal detector and everything, you know, and he's like, yeah, all liquids out.

Do you have your liquids out?

I said, I don't have any liquids.

All I've got is, I've got two sandwiches in here.

I got two public self sandwiches.

He goes, oh, the sandwich can stay.

Sandwich can stay.

You go through.

Just put them through.

I go, okay.

And then I get to the other side, and I'm waiting for my bag and my backpack.

Nothing's coming through.

And I asked the guy, hey, did my bag get pulled out?

He's like, yes, sir.

It got pulled out for inspection.

I'm like, oh, okay.

Like I said, like that.

And he gave me a side look.

And then he's like, he's like, yeah, we don't know what this is.

I'm like, those are two sandwiches.

Yeah.

If you don't tell us, if you don't pull them out, we don't know what they are.

You know, you're supposed to put them separate.

And I said, well, I told the fucking guy up there, there were two public subs.

He said, oh, well, he should not have told you to leave him in there.

I said, well, he did.

Why don't you go ask him?

Like he didn't believe me or something.

I don't tell, told the fucking guy what I had in there before I did.

I asked him, what do I do?

Do I keep him in the bag or take him out?

He said to keep him in.

Specifically, he said to keep him in.

Motherfucker.

Then he had me take him out, and he said, just show me the bread.

I don't want to handle it.

I don't want to get your food dirty.

Because, you know, they got them blue gloves, those blue gloves that they don't fucking change all fucking day.

Don't touch me with that shit.

I hate that.

He was being a real dick.

I said, hey, I hope you guys get furloughed again.

The furlough had just finished, like the week before.

I told him that.

Seriously, fuck them.

Yeah, no, they got a stressful job.

Like literally like a TC agent, like a few days before that, had jumped off a balcony.

There's a hotel in that airport, and the balconies in the hotel overlook the main floor above the security queue, the security line.

And a TC agent went up there and jumped down and committed suicide.

And two days after I left that airport, some guy, I think he ran through security trying to go through and freaked everyone out.

Traveling.

That's why when I went to the Chicago meetup, I was like, hey, fucking fly.

I'm taking the Amtrak.

It's the first time I'm doing it.

And I don't want to do that again either.

That was a pain in the ass.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

7-2-7-8-5-1-0.

around so i'm gonna answer for the next hour so i don't have any more prank calls i can just

go on and eat my meatloaf i got chicken and dumplings waiting for me looks like i missed

you give me a call back or just leave a message that's great for me or or i got that caller id

so you don't even have to go do nothing if you don't want here's the guy looking for someone

to help put up a fence looking for someone to help put up a fence yes sir who are you and where

Where are you at?

My name is Biscuits.

Biscuits.

Yeah, everyone calls me Biscuits because I love biscuits.

I love them with gravy, with sausage.

With homemade biscuits and gravy.

Oh, man, they're good, huh?

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

They said Tennessee.

What?

You live where?

They said Tennessee on my phone.

Palatka.

Tennessee phone number.

Yeah, I mean, it's an old phone number, but I live in Palatka now.

Oh, Palatka.

You know Palatka, motherfucker?

I want to help you put up a fence.

Oh, well.

Let's see.

It's Tennessee, Tennessee, Tennessee, Tennessee, Tennessee.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

3, 5, 2, 4, 4.

Yeah, they call me Biscuits, everybody.

They really should.

Hello?

Hey, honey baby Labia, how are you doing?

Who?

How are you doing, Labia?

Thank God.

this is hey honey labia oh my god oh my god honey baby hey honey labia how you doing

hey you got the wrong number dude no you got a puppy for a good home oh yeah yeah oh so i got

the right number huh yeah i didn't know what you said what'd you say at first honey labia honey

labia honey labia labia l-a-b-i-a uh you mean no that's not us no that's just a saying like you

You know, hey, sugar biscuits, stuff like that, you know?

Oh, I see.

You talking to my wife that way?

Yeah.

Don't.

I'm a good old boy from the South.

I talk to women that I don't know.

I say, hey, honey, hey, baby, like that, you know?

Oh, well, you said that word, and I don't like it.

Honey labia?

Yeah, you don't know what labia means?

I don't know.

My friends say that.

I don't even know what it means.

All right, well, look it up.

Have a good one.

Is it a bad word?

I want the dog.

Talk to my wife like that

Can you know

Fuck

Hey honey labia

You got a 2008

2008 Crown Vic Police Interceptor for sale?

Yes, I do.

All right.

I like that.

I like that so I can pretend I'm a cop and pull over blacks.

You know, for no reason, just pull them over and harass them.

Yeah, right.

You know, I want to say, hey, where are you going, boy?

Like that.

Yeah, right.

I used to have a Crown Vic.

My dad had a Crown Vic when I was growing up, and he had blue lights on it, which is super illegal.

Fucking Matt, stop.

god damn it he would he would flash the lights so you see if you saw a black guy in the street

and you'd be like where are you going to boy like that you know yeah seem to see that car and just

pull out of the way anyway yeah yeah yeah so what can you tell me about the car none of the police

interceptor runs and drives great looks great 80 000 miles on it air conditioning all that stuff

everything works yeah can you put someone back there and beat them up if you want is there room

room enough for that oh there's plenty of room did the seats smell nice i don't know they smell

like fart old fart put the seats in the back and it's got cloth seats in the front okay all right

you ever do any fornicating in it no oh you never had like a a girl who had like a police rape

fantasy no throw her in the back beat her up a little bit put a night gun on her face with a

hey you take me from the police auction you stole her from the police auction no i have uncles in

the police auction ah you put an offer on it so this would be the best kind of car to get away

from the cops in right is one of their own yeah pretty much they're still pulling over anyway i

got pulled over quite a few times already hmm you can't get out of tickets then you gotta be on your

yeah hey man you you know you remember uh night remember that move that show night rider yeah

when kit remember there was another car named car k-a-r-r yeah that was like an evil version of kit

it yeah yeah and they face off against each other i was thinking i could i could do that with the

cops and this thing people like tomorrow and stuff like that yeah okay but that one was a

look for the car and then it's not like a huge car anymore all right then i i want to light the

car on fire while i'm inside it while i'm driving it yeah that'll do it yeah and have it explode

while i'm inside of it yeah do you think you could put an ejector seat in that

motherfucker oh come on don't say bullshit to me all right you dirty

Chinese must say bullshit to me all right let me call Matt before he

interrupts another call in a second and it's not giving me the option thank you

new Skype for being a piece of shit and you Skype to shit in it guys clicking

the call button this really pisses me off you know cuz you can't even call

anyone and talk to someone about the problems with Skype who owns Skype

Microsoft right I could call the Microsoft score store in New York City

to do shit about it I think I'll do that just to let my anger out man I'm trying

to call you but this piece of shit cock sucking there you go call us got yes

yes very good sky that's what i want to do piece of shit hey homo how you been are you still in

the hospital we're in the rehab or whatever yeah look the background don't you see oh now i see

it's coming through now yeah you're still there huh yeah man yeah here till wednesday you've been

pissing in jugs and everything pissing in jugs shake it up roll shake it up it's empty the they

They make sure to clean it.

It's funny here where I'm supposed to.

Well, I can get up now.

I moved up to a green card.

But when before when I was supposed to piss and jokes.

You're not a fall risk anymore.

I would go.

Yeah, I would go stand and piss like because I wasn't supposed to.

It makes no sense just to be in a contrarian for no reason.

You know, I'll stand up if I lock down.

Yeah.

Yeah, last time I was in the hospital, I yelled at the nurse

because the alarm went off because I stood up to piss

and I started yelling. I said, why is this fucking

shit going off? I gotta pee. Oh, bed alarm?

Yeah, she's like, no, because

you're a florist. She's like, look at

the tag you got on. I was like, no, I don't want...

Who put that on? Who's permission?

I was giving her shit. I got a

PCT, patient

care technician lanyard

and I put my satanic

temple card on it.

Nice.

Did you bang the Christian

therapist yet or whatever whoever that was okay i didn't i i've mentioned to her i said we need

to hook up but today i was saying i just want to do a gang of psychedelics with you kid i want to

open the world to you like you're in a whole different thing just like you're so naive need

to put her in a pair of suspenders and you know take her have your way with her she's so little

little too ain't it you seen in the video yep he's told you one of these psychedelics over there

so how you feeling man i'm all right i guess still breathing right i guess yeah i go through

some shit but i'm all right yeah i've been caught up in my shit so i didn't know how's your shit

all your what ds said like oh i guess he's feeling better and i didn't know you're feeling bad so i

i feel bad yeah i'm doing all right i guess yeah well good good good i'll be there i don't want to

make a big deal about it because people just troll me about and make fun of me and all that

because you know how my fans are fucking shit fans sometimes i know but you're so nice i don't

get it you know all right well i don't know why this is just like that these are the fucking

people around here in this community are like that they're dicks yeah i don't know party time

Time seems to attract a very nice audience.

Knock wood, you know.

Yeah.

All right, we'll call the Microsoft store to complain about Skype.

Oh, yeah, I got some shit to say to them, too, because I got beef.

Thank you for calling the Microsoft store at Scottsdale Fashion Square.

To help us to improve the quality of our products, services, and training,

this call may be recorded or monitored.

And information collected on this call may be transferred to other countries.

It may be transferred to other countries.

For store hours and location information, press 1.

For questions before you buy or to purchase a product from Microsoft Store, press 2.

To schedule or change an in-store appointment, press 3.

To check out a repair or service order, press 4.

For technical support, press 5.

Nope, that's a trap.

I just want to talk to someone there.

I'll do repair.

Please hold while we connect your call.

Yeah, get me to their Kmart Geek Squad.

Oh, Kmart version of the Genius Bar, I meant to say.

I think the Geek Squad is the Kmart version.

Yeah, yeah, they are.

Fucking Geek Squad.

Geek Squad.

Microsoft, Jordan Scott.

So this is April.

How may I help you?

Hey, Big April.

How you doing?

I'm good.

How are you?

Yeah, why does Skype, the new Skype, suck so fucking bad?

I don't know.

Is there a question?

You know, for being a voice over IP program,

you can't get anyone on the fucking phone to save your life

to help you out with it i'm sorry but if you're gonna keep cussing at me i can get you somebody

else well i'm angry and i put money into this stupid skype shit and no one fucking helps me

and it's a piece of crap it doesn't do what you want to do okay let me go ahead and get the manager

for you okay hurry up we got prank calls to do it doesn't it's hard to do prank calls on the

news yeah right you complain sorry you're not supposed to do prank calls therapy tomorrow

Tomorrow for an hour and a half.

What kind of therapy?

Art.

Fart.

Where I just draw stuff, basically.

You do that.

That's what you do already on the day-to-day.

I know.

Dude, this is like camp.

It's like you're getting paid to do what you do anyway.

Hello.

What's up?

Okay.

Hi, guys.

We got some of this.

So, Mira, Pat, I'm here at Inventor of Benefits.

Thank you.

Thank you for holding this, George.

How can I help you?

Hey, big George.

Listen, why does the new Skype suck so bad?

No.

You guys own Skype, right?

Microsoft owns Skype?

Yeah, this is a retail store.

Is there something we could help you with?

Well, I can't get anyone on the line about Skype.

You know, I try to, you know, you open a chat session to get help,

and you just get transferred over and over again to India.

Yeah, I apologize, but, yeah, our call centers are over there.

I mean, I have tech here that can help you in the store.

If you'd like, I can make you an appointment.

No, the new Skype is shit, okay?

And it's been getting worse and worse since you guys bought it,

and now you guys really screwed it up, you know?

We're trying to do prank calls with it,

and it's not easy to do prank calls with new Skype.

You're messing us up.

And Dwight, I'll tell you what,

Dwight McClanahan's real pissed off about it, and so is Matt.

Matt's going to talk to you.

Matt fucking hell on Matt.

Yeah, I'm none too happy.

Why can we not just keep the old version?

What's the problem with the old version?

I mean, if there's something I can help you with,

I'd be happy to answer a question.

Here we go with the smoke and mirrors again, not answering Matt's question.

Why I can't use the old Skype?

Why is an upgrade forced upon me?

Guys, I'm just an associate in a retail store, okay?

I thought you were a manager.

Pull out your big manager balls and handle the situation.

I'm just an associate.

You sound like a fucking woman.

Have a lovely night.

Thanks.

All right, hey, you should be wearing women's shoes.

We're super suckers, you fucking square.

He gave me a clang.

He's not even on Skype.

If they were behind a product so much,

it would use Skype.

Skype for business.

Oh, shit, Matt.

I hung up on you next, and that was stupid.

Call back, Matt.

I'll call him back.

It'll take me 20 minutes to get the thing to respond

to give me an option to call him back, probably.

Because Skype is dumb.

Skype.

I have to hear that,

even though I've turned off all notification sounds.

I was saying, holy shit, dude.

They just terminate my Skype.

Yeah, for talking shit.

It's like, who's time for the win?

Click.

See ya.

We know who Matt Hillock is.

Hey, I thought you liked using no Skype, dummy.

Yeah, it's be happy for what you got.

It's right.

Better than nothing, isn't it, Hillock?

Yep, yeah.

Last week, Dwight, last week, Dwight on his show was all in the tizzy

because new Skype was forced on him, and it wasn't letting him do,

it was making it way more difficult, a bunch of more hoops to dial numbers,

and he was like, I can't do a show.

it's it's it's almost makes the show undoable i don't need skype for my shows other than to

let other people join like you are right now you know yeah yeah yeah you and brad have you know

at one point the big boss man told me that he was going to get this uh that software on raspberry

pi and get it out to everybody that's the one guy that listens to your show the star trek guy

he's always talking about star trek projects and raspberry pi that guy the guy's like we're

living in the future the holodeck's almost here really did you see that thing i posted today

the guy that spent a week living in vr no it's pretty good dude that's my next big purchase is

i'm buying a fucking headset a good one oculus oculus rig oh probably a htc vive yeah dude the

porn and vr is so next level like i haven't watched a lot of spot lately on vr though man

like she's like right there but it's weird when you look down and it's like for me it's weird i

look down it's a white guy's dick and that's not my penis you know yeah that's not what my dick

looks like you know that's weird i i'm really interested in that but i think i might just get

lost and because i'm damn near constantly online nowadays yeah you know like imagine when i'm just

looking in it and like looking around and i'm in it yeah very interesting man i'm i'm i'll be some

like an early adopter if they're looking for people to fucking jack into the internet and

lived there i'll be like yeah if you got virtual beer virtual beer like they not have software that

would affect you that way you know no isn't there some isn't there audio you can listen to and it

fucks you up it'll fuck it'll make you feel kind of psychedelic i think that's bullshit though i

think that's just your it's like a placebo effect on you can just make yourself whatever you know

I saw an article that somebody said that the reefer industry, the medical shit's all bullshit.

And I think the CBD is a lot of snake oil, man.

Yeah, the CBD, I don't know.

But there was a while where parents were all scared.

There was things like this MP3 track, you can listen to it and you'll get high.

I know.

Kids are doing this in school, and that was bullshit.

But people are dummies.

like there were so many you know how you know there's still dummies around people walking

around with ashes last wednesday yeah like when you saw those people and you thought you

not only do you believe in church still but the catholic church and you go get ashes on your head

and walk around like you're you're that made me just to show off that that hot fucking nurse

that made the little note for me and i thought it was so cool and shit when i saw her walking

around with the ashes oh she's catholic she did the ash yeah that's just to show off like look at

me i'm catholic and i win yeah well yeah see the the priest we had when i was growing up he used

to not do it on the forehead on purpose he do it on your on your hair like on the top of your head

he'd warn everyone ahead of himself all right so just to let you know don't expect any ashes because

you know today is the day that all catholics you know for sure they're going out to the grocery

store you'll see them all just to show off the big cross and that's not what this is supposed

to be about it you know he sounds like a cool cat yeah he was all right i guess till i'm staying

till he molested a kid like like

saying there's a lot of bullshit connected and a lot of like fakers who only do this so hey

we're doing the real thing i like i like the cut of his jib i'm saying yeah yeah yeah he was like

i don't do it you know that's not what this is about motherfucker he didn't say

but that didn't make me like him even more

like cool ass fucking father damien and the exorcist boxing and shit

dude father damien was a shit bro he didn't play dude he's like he was a fucking jesuit they're

They're like the evil priests.

They're like Section 31 on Star Trek.

They're like, they do shady shit, man.

Yeah.

The fucking special forces.

Yeah, he's sort of choking fucking Reagan, dude, at one point.

Dude, get out.

Get out.

Dude, I said, get behind me, Satan, the fucking goddamn Christian lady, the therapist.

And she about, like, creamed.

and she's like you're quoting i can't believe you're quoting the bible now matthew oh my god

i was like just because i i don't believe it don't mean i don't know of this shit and then

you showed her your penis and you flopped it up and down i've i've been fucking like when they're

like helping me with to get my pants off and shit yeah you can like so see my cock just sitting

there in my little shorts oh i'm so like some creepy shit about to do something i'm like don't

do that matt yeah are you cut or uncut uh i'm cut man i'm fucking just stupid white boy american

you know yeah i went on yeah i'm shocked you never heard me like outrage and saying

i was scarred as a child i should fucking you know well i was true i don't you know i was

too i'm told i'm missing out on a lot of feelings because of that you know what i learned this week

is uh circumcision uh in america why it's become so commonplace is because of the that dr kellogg

the guy that invented cornflakes he was a very christian-y anti-masturbation guy yeah he was a

fucking crackpot yeah so much shit you know what's so crazy is that the dobers are getting proven

right that that right now there's a there's some like spray drug of ketamine for people that get

that regular antidepressants don't work and fucking they're testing goddamn mushrooms

and reefer is damn near totally legal so it's just there's so much bullshit if people would just

fucking stop putting in their heads yeah okay do you have some fucking upside down cross on

on your hospital wall your hospital yeah i got a lot of them i've been drawing them oh my god man

they come in here and they love this shit they're like this room is so yeah look at look at the art

behind me yeah you got six six six so they're like you're expressing yourself look at all of

them dude you know what you tell you you know what you tell your christian therapist because

at first she's like i think god put me in your life to get you over this i said i think i was

put in your life to cure you from

believing in this foolishness, kid.

You need to tell her, hey, you know what might help

out? If you slept with me, you know?

Tell her, if you masturbated me,

it might help, uh, it might

help me out with that, you know?

She probably would do it. It might get me to, no.

Man, I can't, you know,

that's not my style. Like, I

said, hey, I want to do fucking psychedelics

with you. You know, like

this. I'd be like, let's get high

and fuck. Not, not, no

sneaky shit.

All right, here, I'm going to do a call.

Mad fucking hillock.

It's Carlito, mad fucking hillock, shooting the shit.

There's no tact in me, dude.

Here, to that, cheers, my friend.

Here's to hospital stays.

Hospital beer.

Are you really drinking a past blue ribbon in the hospital?

Yeah, yeah.

How'd you get them in there?

I ordered them.

Really?

They delivered them?

Yeah.

From the food service?

No, from...

Yeah, from the hospital.

Yeah.

Food service.

No, from wherever I ordered

Grilled cheese and fries from

Nice

I live in a real city, you know

Yeah, yeah

Thanks for calling Chipotle, downtown Scottsdale

We sometimes listen to calls or record them

What can I do for you?

I should put us on Skype, on YouTube

Well, I'll be able to get back on YouTube soon

I'm sorry

But if you said something, I couldn't hear it

I want to talk to somebody

So, how can I help?

I want to talk to somebody there at the restaurant who makes the food to talk.

I want to be dirty to them.

I want to talk dirty.

Right.

Thanks for calling Chipotle.

Have a good day.

Fucking Chipotle.

I hate any place where you got to watch the person make your food and say a little more of this, a little less of that.

Oh, yeah, I'm going to need some.

I hate that whole bullshit thing.

It's so fucking stupid to me.

i want to sit down and say bring me this and two beers please and that's the end of our interaction

all right you you don't want to you don't like subway no you can order chipotle on the app you

don't even have to interact with them period you just can go in there yeah i'm saying it but that's

the point of the you know what i'm saying yeah yeah yeah yeah and the food wasn't that with

but it's just shit food anyway.

All right.

What's the date today?

3-9?

3-something.

3-9, yep.

Thank you, buddy.

On with Carly, though.

3-9-19.

Did you hear my e-begging in the hospital?

Like, my first night got me $160.

No.

Good.

And the one guy I hadn't even Facebook-friended yet,

I immediately did after he sent me $100, I'll tell you what.

Okay, we're live on air with Carlito, the big boss man.

He's back in effect.

I wanted to mention, by the way, I'm able to accept PayPal now,

so you can go to madhouselife.com on the bar, the navigation bar thing on the right-hand side, the toolbar.

You'll see a donate button there that you can use.

Someone donated earlier this week, and I appreciate it because I used the Patreon funds and that donation to purchase a new hard drive for the computer, which lets me be able to do a show today.

That was great.

Excuse me for interrupting, but paypal.me?

No, I don't.

Because somehow I can't change paypal.me, and the paypal.me has my name in it, and I don't want to give that out.

My real name.

Sal.me slash Laugh Track Matt.

I'll make sure he gets some of the loot.

Press 1 for sales and catering.

Press 2 for the Granada Bar and Grill.

Press 3 for accounting.

Press 4 and for all other calls.

Press 0 for sales.

Please hold.

And a fully equipped fitness center, impeccable dining, and other amenities.

Hang on a second.

Come in.

Embassy Suites, this is Robin.

robin hey robin hey robin that's a girl's name gotta do my thing bye nat hey robin can i help

you that's a girl's name robin can i help you yeah um there seems to be a problem with the

toilet in which room uh in my room when what room would that be 227 okay i'll send engineering up

there well yeah who's coming geordie laforge pardon me is it geordie that's coming no chief

Chief O'Brien?

No.

Who's coming with engineering?

I don't know.

There's two of them tonight.

I couldn't tell you which one.

So the toilet won't flush.

Someone put sheets in the toilet and it won't flush now.

Okay, I'll let engineering know.

I have another.

Can I put you on hold?

Yeah.

There's water everywhere.

Thank you for dancing the night away

or installing the audio-visual equipment you need for a successful meeting.

Okay, I'll have engineering come up there.

You're putting me on hold for that?

Yes.

Yes, I have another phone call coming through.

Okay, well, I mean, are they going to be able to get all the water off the floor here?

I would imagine, sir, yes.

Well, every time I flush the toilet, there's more water.

Let me just have them come up, okay?

It's not working.

Water, water everywhere.

Okay, I'll call engineering, thank you.

I'll have them come right up.

I don't want them to touch my things and smell my things.

I have ice creams up here.

Just a moment, please.

Sir, I'm going to have one of the engineers come up and see if they can fix the problem for you.

Okay, are you sitting here, and is he going to be wearing a red shirt?

Pardon me?

The fire alarm might be going off in a few seconds here in my room.

Why?

The smoke detector.

Why?

Oh, there it goes.

We're smoking weed, and...

We'll send an engineering over to you.

All right.

Thank you.

Make it so.

this is like why where'd matt go matt can't be walking around he's a fall risk bullshit you

can't change your paypal by me address fuck i'm not having fun with this show it's not going that

good that funny i'm sure matt no no i'm sure dwight will do a better job than i am tonight

sorry i'm back hey homo what's up what's up what were you doing i had to get my vitals checked

did you hide your beer i mean i'll show you what i did um you can see this here's my hiding

she put in a cup no i just it's just next i just tucked it right there i'm saying there's some more

art i did in art therapy more upside down across animals and such cup monsters so that that christian

therapist chick she's uh asian right yeah the one in the video yeah yeah like super tiny you know

what that means a lot a lot of men think asian women got slapped pussy wrong way but i here to

tell you it's not so she told you no no that was from an old smut they say this is at the

they say the pussy slanted wrong way but i tell you it's not i was on a movie a slut movie

the only things that i remember from old smut is funny things you know yeah like i don't ever think

like oh that was such a hot scene it's just funny shit like the like the one i saw that

they just had like a poster board with stick on stickers that said and the flick was called

european and it said the ladies love the piss and the letters were like a little off

it was so funny to me european remember you told me about that yeah the ladies love the piss that

That fucking cracked me up.

But yeah, I still watch some same old night dreams too.

I watch all the time still on the spot site.

It was such a favorite.

I recommend it to all his movies to people out there.

He went under the name Rise Dream when he was directing his real name.

It's something weird Italian-y shit.

Rice Dream, like the rice milk?

or rise dream um like he made night dreams cafe flesh like real psychedelic weird fucking smut

hi you have wabbits yes i have some rabbits okay so um are these a good sounds a little

labored i just wanna like can i do whatever i want with them after i get them

i think she knew where you're going with that without you even going there i wanted to kill

Hell, I lost old man Hillock, lost old man Hillock.

Person whom you're trying to reach is currently unavailable.

Dude, it's so garbage, I couldn't pick up your call.

Then I couldn't pick up yours.

That's how they get you.

They're shutting us down with ineffectiveness.

Yeah, leave it to them.

It's the 15th, cool, I'll be there the 14th.

Well, enjoy, I won't be there.

Where are you going, man?

I wasn't invited.

it get the fuck fuck you yeah all right that's why you're not going shut up are you for sure

not going yes a show had too much i don't want i don't want anybody who's madhouse person to

come around me then i only want to talk to phone no that really sucks sorry i wish i could go i'm

gonna be hella jealous the entire week no i mean don't be sorry yeah i know you're i know you're

not doing it out of like fuck those guys yeah i'm gonna miss out on getting insulted by you again

because i can't stay up no because it's all it's all handled i know i know where you stand

and we got separate houses to alleviate any of those situations you know you're in the proud

Proud boy house.

Yeah.

Who the fuck would be a proud boy in our house?

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

And the others are fucking beaners.

Four, two, three.

Rap beaners.

Beaners.

Rap beaners.

Yeah.

Dom the bomb.

So, yeah.

Dom the beaner.

Dom the bomb.

Dom the beaner.

And a fucking goddamn European.

Yeah.

Who's the proud boy?

Not me.

If anyone's a proud boy, it's Dwight.

nine four two three damn near colored three six five seven five eight is not a long history of

arrests and and fucking uh living off the government dime and welfare yeah well i think

i'm wrapping up the show because nothing's really going down any longer anymore time to throw the

scarf time for me to eat my meatloaf and all that meatloaf oh meatloaf's pretty good yeah you should

order some with some beer i already ate tonight did you see my dinner i was so high how's the

hospital food and so you know they pay for most of my food i think i had to pay like three dollars

but i got like chicken tenders sweet potato fries onion rings a banana a fruit cup caffeine

chocolate a monster energy drink and like five containers of different sauces nice wait the

The hospital pays for you to get your food brought in?

I know.

I go down to the cafeteria and I spend $8.50.

Oh, nice.

For the cafeteria.

But no, they don't pay to get it.

But it was real quick.

I know you're going, but let me tell this really sweet story about when I was over there in my wheelchair

forcing down the ketchup or the mustards and whatnot.

not and then finally so i got a tray of food and then i got another tray with just the sauces and

the banana and i'm like balancing them up and some old guy comes over and he's like oh can i help you

with those you know and i was like no thanks you know i've been here a while and i'm going all the

way up to 20 i don't think you want to go all the way up there but i can kind of balance the one

under the other and we started talking about what a cool place it was and he said he started like

like, tearing up, talking about his wife

just had a real bad stroke

and this place is helping her.

And he's, like, worried about,

she's, like, worried about when she goes back

to church, what the people are going to think.

And he's, like,

they're going to think you're a hero.

And he's, like, just watching you

made me just

so happy. Just

seeing you try so hard

and just be happy.

And just, like, keep doing what you're doing.

And, like, it was so nice.

and i didn't give him no fuck you your god's bullshit yeah that's good you know let him

really know you're degenerate he was just like he was really nice and then that me like forcing

down the goddamn uh honey mustard out of a thing brought joy to him uh made me happy yeah little

does he know you your your room is emblazoned with satanic imagery and you're thinking of like

schemes to show the the help your dick and things you can do exactly and you're ordering beer yeah

but i wheel around here and everyone's happy and i'm like hey look at you i can't believe you're

walking and just you know like i'm very positive but yes i do have fucking upside down crosses

everywhere nice you know all right like like i was saying to one of them that there ain't no

fucking jesus but if if he is there i think we're in the we're in the same ballpark and he's cool

with me you know yeah how can you not he's probably he's a big fan he's a big fan i'm sure he's a big

fan of the show all right matt keep doing your work you're doing have fun in san jose and all

that and i'll watch be sure to watch my videos yeah just yours you're the only videos i'm going

want to support yeah everyone party time party time all the time see you man cheers there goes

matt i'm gonna check in with him let's play a voicemail i got from obituary man i think it was

him hey yes hey jalal mentor nur adin who helped establish the foundation for hip-hop as a member

of the last poets and in his own solo work died on june 4th at a hospital in atlanta at the young

Okay, there you go, everyone.

one so you've heard it obituary man has reported um all right sorry for the lackluster show i'm

getting there you know i'll be inspired soon the shows are going to come back to weekly soon

i promise i want to thank all of this patreon supporters this last week uh without your help

i wouldn't be able to even do a show now because the hard drive crashed in this machine and y'all

make it happen you know before you put on this record understand yeah this is for all of my

ancestors who were raped were killed yeah it's here for rick all right everyone listen i'm gonna

get out your way everyone stay in the area in about 30 minutes dwight mcclanahan will be starting

with a way better show than i'm having tonight you should be excited for that right to uplift

if the my boy i'll bring out the sun yep i'm gonna go eat my meatloaf i got a microwave first

thanks to all my fans y'all the best despite what i say when i'm upset all right then this is the end

Honey Labia – 3/9/2019 Show

Calls (14, 31 min of 1 h 24 min)

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