Hold Your Tongue – 3/16/2019 Show
16 Mar 2019 · 51 min · 4,731 words · source
Calls (12, 33 min of 51 min)
- Panera Bread bathroom poop inquiry live 5.6 min clip ↓
- Golf driver for sale, caller out of town live 43 s clip ↓
- Taco Bell delivery message voicemail 1.1 min clip ↓
- Padded guitar case sale attempt live 1.5 min clip ↓
- Drum seller with angry outburst live 1.4 min clip ↓
- Karastan spice marker inquiry live 46 s clip ↓
- CVS pharmacy closed call live 1.0 min clip ↓
- Waffle House asked about chicken and toilet live 10.6 min clip ↓
- Waffle House egg recall test live 2.1 min clip ↓
- Ford Windstar seller asked about cabinets live 4.6 min clip ↓
- Taco Bell asked about shit location live 2.2 min clip ↓
- New India Chat Cafe asked about timing of shits live 2.0 min clip ↓
Transcript
Oh, I'm crazy about Indian.
I'm crazy about you.
I'm here right now in the toilet.
I'm in the streets listening to Madhouse Live.
I hope my speech can compete with that bad mouth style that we get from Carlito.
That's my big amigo.
So just kick back to listen to this cat call people when the show goes live.
I be like, damn, this shit's bitchin'.
Stop whatever I'm doing to tune in and listen.
You can catch me in the back of his home at Horse Machine Ranch Road.
I'm busting mad fat flows for assholes and banchos.
My spit crazy.
Shout out to Big Amy.
That's nice, honey baby.
We kissing pussy, so ladies, such a labia.
It's crazy how the stuff that my bruh might say to ya
Face it, cause it's the number one prank cast
Stay back if you can't handle all the straight laughs
That we hand to your dome
And if you want, call the number
You can listen to this show on the go
Big up to the man in the madhouse
Show love, just stick your motherfuckin' hands up
Some come close, but they can't get it right
Let the king do his thing, it's time for Madhouse Live
Big up to the man in the madhouse
Show love, just stick your motherfuckin' hands up
Some come close, but they can't get it right
Let the king do his thing, it's time for Madhouse Live
Let's go
You know something?
Don't listen
What do you know?
Maybe I do and maybe I don't
What I say is they got no business negotiating
We ought to be going back in there with a bullet for everybody in the yard
Oh, is that right?
We do it now, we do it later
Later ain't gonna be no use
Am I right, Al?
Now wait, wait, wait a minute, Frank
We got a lot of angry guys in there
Black Muslims, Panthers, Young Lords
Besides you, the average antisocial
We've got to go in, right? Clean your clocks.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is...
Hello, and thank you for calling Chili's.
For directions, press 1.
For to-go orders, press 2.
To speak with a manager, or for any other questions, press 3.
This message will be crushed and melted if no button is selected.
Thank you.
Thank you for choosing Panera Bread on Pullman,
where you can now order online for rapid pickup and never wait in line again.
To order rapid pickup, please go to panerabread.com
or download the Panera app from the app.
To leave a catering order, please go online at cater.panerabread.com.
To stick with the cafe at Sylvia, please press 3.
3.
Oh, every time I talk, the right side audio kicks out.
Fuck.
Maybe turning echo.
Bill!
Thank you for calling Panera Coleman.
How can I help you?
Hi.
Question about the food.
I'm sorry, sir.
I can barely hear you.
I'm sorry.
I'm in the toilet!
Shut up!
I'm in the toilet!
Excuse me?
I'm in the toilet, I said.
Hey, you gotta get out of here.
You're in the toilet.
Yeah. Hey.
Hello?
Yeah.
Is everything okay?
Well, I'm in the toilet is what I'm saying, and I'm waiting, and there's nothing happening.
You're in my bathroom right now. Do you need...
No, I'm in my bathroom, stupid.
Okay. How can I help you today?
How long after I eat the lentil quinoa broth bowl with cage-free eggs until I have to take a shit in the toilet?
I'm not quite sure. I've never really had that.
I know some people like it, but I'm not quite sure about that answer.
But I have to...
I would stipulate and say maybe half an hour, an hour tops.
But I guess it all depends on your metabolism, your weight, your activity.
It's been 90 minutes, Dr. Panera.
When I went there, I told the girl that I have a problem,
that I went to the CVS because I haven't been able to take a shit in a while.
Like I sit down and I push and I push and nothing comes out.
And they said to get myself some soup with a lot of fiber in it.
And the CVS woman recommended the soup, the broth bowls that you have here with the quinoa and lentils.
She said lentils is really good, high in fiber.
So I told the girl there at the Panera where you're at, I told her what I needed.
That I needed to take a shit in the toilet here.
Now, I've been sitting here for a while, all right?
And I'm missing the Golden State game that's on TV.
Is there any way you can find out information
how long it's going to take to take a shit in this toilet?
To be honest, I don't know.
I would say max an hour, sir, but like I said, it all depends on...
It's been 90 minutes.
It's been 90 minutes, and it's been a long time.
I'm not quite sure, sir.
I'd recommend maybe you just stay there,
or maybe take a small walk, do a small walk circle in a second,
and see how you feel, and sit back down.
I'm not quite sure, sir.
It all depends on you, to be honest.
Is there a certain way I can sit you can recommend that'll make those shits?
If you put your feet on the ground firmly, both feet, and then you put your hands underneath your toes.
Put my hands underneath my toes?
It opens up your bowels, sir.
Nice.
That's probably good for anal sex.
So, yeah, you just put your toes underneath your toes.
That's probably good for anal sex, you know?
Anal sex.
Excuse me?
That's probably good for anal sex.
Is that how you do it with your boyfriend?
It's funny.
Is that what you do for your boyfriend?
You're hilarious, sir.
Nobody even asked me this question. It was extremely explicit and unprofessional, but I just went along with it.
But now you're trolling me, so I can't tell if it's actually serious or if this phone call is even serious.
I'm not trolling you. I don't have a problem if you're a gay.
Well, then I really hope you have a nice time in that bathroom, sir.
But otherwise, I hope you have a good night.
Well, I'll have you have a good time with your boyfriend holding your feet with your toes, your toes with your legs.
You got shoes on your feet. You got shoes on your feet.
You got feet on your shoes.
this microphone shit's killing me left and right left and right i'm just glad i got this shit
working again a lot of interference in the background i'm gonna have to rewire everything
it's gonna be a nightmare and nothing's easy hey i'm back on youtube youtube's working again
excuse me madhouse radio on youtube if you want to watch me for some dumb reason remember
remember remember remember remember remember that there's no music on the youtube feed so if
you want to hear the show with the music stick to the madhouse live website oh try to do a show
you know it's been kind of a rough week for those fans of the show uh who've been listening for a
long time you all know uh my kitty davi he passed away we had to put him down he got lymphoma poor
him guy hit him really fast miss that cat we had to let him go we had to say goodbye you little
fucker so we've both been pretty sad well homer's been sad too homer like that cat homer wanted to
be friends dobby used to hang out he's he's so i think he's to like the show secretly because
oh i mean for a long time he would always like it's like he knew that i was doing a show he
would always meow with the door to come in to the studio room here while i was doing a show
This is going from way back even.
He used to always like to sit and chill on the camera.
It was something, man.
If you'd like to call in and join the show, you may.
405-396-6884.
Again, that's 405-39-MOUTH to tune in to join the show.
The mouth line, and it is open.
405-396-6884.
All right.
uh madhouse live.com is my wayne website where you can subscribe to the podcast and all that
all right let's do some craigslist shit that guy the panera brand needs to be careful giving out
medical advice if he's not a medical professional he can expose himself and the company he works for
to a huge medical liability lawsuit he should he should have been prefacing all that that he said
to me suggestion wise saying i'm not a medical professional but in just in my opinion because
what if i get in that position i fall down i hit my head and i'm you know i'll break my nose machine
sue and say the guy panera said to get in this position and i fell over your call has been
forwarded to an automated voice messaging system good for me this number just a minute
lip smack not even eating it sounds like a well what do i do here page is frozen ah it sucks
Oh, the posting just got deleted.
It must have sold the tickets.
No more tickets.
No more tickets.
Understanding that there's no audio on the YouTube feed, so it's fucked up.
Here we go.
That has been working.
There it is.
It should be working.
I'm showing it's working.
I don't understand.
Oh, I think I see why.
Whoops, my fault.
Give me a second, everybody.
Don't go anywhere, everybody.
My bad.
I'm stupid.
Here, this should fix it now.
There should be audio on YouTube.
youtube my stupid fault and back to the calls back to the number let's see this one shows up
craigslist automatically closes the contact info on the page after you've opened it i had them all
lined up and set up with the contact phone number info already open because you have to click it now
click a little button to show it it's like a little javascript thing why would they time that
out what would be the the mentality the plan behind that i don't want to hear this song anymore
yeah hey hello hi you got uh you got a golf club for sale yeah a driver yeah you got uh
is it possible for you to call me tomorrow i'm out of town right now
oh where are you at i'm up in tahoe in tahoe okay i'm in trucking for the for the afternoon i'll be
i'll be back tomorrow about noon is a cleveland driver is a cleveland driver
driver shit i had a joke it was a driver fucking golf people hate golf don't worry i'll do something
funny we got some juice here's some shoes hey there i have a pair of e-tonic stabilities golf
shoes fucking golf please leave your message for hi there you each president please the tacos
considering ordering some taco bell delivery please leave your message for hi there you each
Fred Stinnett, please leave me a message
Fred Stinnett, never mind
Next, looks like a guitar
Padded guitar case
Hello
Hey, you got a
Deluxe padded guitar case
Yes I do
For sale
Alright, what can you tell me about
You saw the pictures
The way I described it
Don't be rude
Am I being rude
Yeah, are you being rude
oh he showed me that's what you get for asking i just asked let's see if we'll pick up a second
time i want to explain that i just asked i didn't say it was me i was the google subscriber you
have called is not available google subscribers never like to pick up that's why they're google
subscribers i'm scared of contact i'm scared of communication with the world i'm brad carter
get your ass on
i see that someone's trying to call into the show but the fucking setup isn't working right
405-396-6884 if you keep trying it should probably work i apologize yeah you got a drum yes i do
Okay, what are the dimensions of it?
You mean the condition?
Dimensions.
I don't know what is dimensions.
Stupid.
How tall, how wide, how long is it?
How big?
You motherfucker.
Don't call me stupid.
You motherfucker idiot.
Fuck you, motherfucker.
Fucking drunk, pervert, motherfucker.
Motherfucker chingas a tu puta madre, hijo de puta.
Yeah, that's what I'm...
Oh, boy.
Big LJ, I want to thank you for your very kind PayPal donation a few days ago.
I've got PayPal set up.
Please leave your message for...
I don't have a .me address, but if you go to madhouselive.com slash donate,
you'll be able to hit the button there.
There's a donate button there.
Hey, sorry, guys trying to call.
Or girl.
Please leave your message for...
Like I said, I went through a lot trying to get the computer here up and running again,
and something must be up with the VoIP setup with the incoming calls.
I see the pop-up that I get letting me know on the OneScreen,
but it doesn't materialize on the phone app.
Oh, this guy won't pick up anymore.
Hey, don't call me stupid, motherfucker.
He is stupid.
How does he not know what the dimensions mean?
Pendejo.
how long you living in america you don't speak the language you don't know what what it means
what are the dimensions you know if you're gonna live in the country you'd love it
embrace it learn the language don't be like chinese people who don't assimilate
hey stupid you got a karastan spice marker petra hello i'm sorry what was that yeah you got
got karacitan spice market for sale okay what kind of spices are is it a spicy rug you have uh
what's the karat karistan where's karistan a lot of hang-ups tonight this ain't going well
it's called pharmacy talk about shitting in the toilet let's wait forever for them to pick up the
phone that's what i imagine is gonna happen oh man that bourdain guy that offed himself
cell phone thank you for calling cvs pharmacy located within target at the pharmacy is currently
closed prescribers press two pharmacy press three and he's at a wall to refill a prescription press
one oh man i still got a lot of work to do on this pc i shouldn't have done a show tonight
the piece the studio pc the show pc the broadcasting pc is was not ready for the task
There it goes.
Mexican restaurant.
Yay, cabrones.
Man, fuck that.
I know Denny's will deliver here on Grubhub, but the fee is like nine bucks.
I go for some pancakes.
Hello, sir.
Can I help you?
Hey, is this Mexican food?
Hello?
Is it Mexican food?
Every day.
Sorry, I can barely hear you.
Is it Mexican food?
It is.
okay i want to let you know that i'm trying to take a shit in the toilet to take a shit in the
toilet i cannot help you with that what can i do do you want to make an order or what can i do for
you well how long after i eat the food until i have to take a shit i need help to take a shit
no man she don't like a shit too loud there man is this pizza my heart yeah pizza my fart
yeah first time i ever heard that one thank you for calling your local waffle house
we are temporarily not accepted well they don't pick up the phone
yeah hey i have a chicken hello okay how do i how do i make a food from the chicken
hold on let me get you to my manager okay i stole this chicken from the black guy down the street
I stole a chicken from the black guy down the street.
Do you know how to cook chicken there?
How do I kill chicken?
No, I don't. I'm sorry.
Do you have the big knife for killing the chicken?
Nope.
No? Can I use your toilet?
Did you want to place a chicken order?
Do you have chicken?
Yes, sir.
What kind of chicken do you have?
Would you like to place an order for chicken?
Yeah, well, I need to bring the chicken in and you prepare them.
I want you to kill the chicken and get the shit out of the chicken.
I just need some help with the chicken.
Hey, Falco, what kind of chicken do you have?
We can't do any chicken over the phone.
You have to come in and order.
I'm asking.
Did I order?
Stupid woman.
What kind of chicken do you have?
Give me one second.
Falco.
What kind of chicken do you have?
Regular chicken.
What do you mean regular?
How? Fry or what?
Oh, it's just grilled. We only do grilled chicken here.
You only do grilled? Okay, I can do that.
Is it chicken tits?
Is it chicken tits?
I'm sorry.
Chicken tits.
It's just chicken breast.
Exactly.
So then after I eat the chicken, after some time, I'll use the toilet, right?
And I'll shit out the waste product off the chicken.
that's the waffle house in the hometown that i grew up in i've been at a man i was there once
i had it was late at night i was up in that waffle house and these fucking people showed up
must have been coming from downtown orlando it was like midnight 1 a.m and they i was sitting
at one of the booths at the window and they parked right in front of my window and this
fucking trampy looking girl all dressed from the club opened up her door and as i'm eating
and leaned out and threw up like she vomited like this vile looking foamy pink vomit as i'm fucking
eating food i'm like you fucking nasty because they can fucking park somewhere else they came
came in ate again i'm good hey i have a question okay i when i go to the bathroom and then i pass
it the you know what's after where does it go after that what where does the shit go when i
take a shit in the toilet where does it go it goes it goes on the toilet i push the button
Hang on, hang on, hang on, let me ask my co-worker, let me ask my co-worker.
I'm here right now in the toilet.
The biggest laugh I'm going to get tonight, probably laughing at the show.
I've done my job.
I haven't followed up.
God dang.
I have to use the bathroom probably.
Who Bubba Kush will do?
I gotta, I gotta hang, man.
My man, all hanging out, I'm missing out.
Thank you for calling your local Waffle House.
We are temporarily not accepting to-go orders over the phone at this location.
please come in to place your order and we will be happy to serve you if you need directions
they set up an airbnb drug house they got they had brad carter over there he's like i can't inhale it
i got the drug test we do the crime we do the time brad carter that's what you get
taking number not even fucking random listener sending a sing hey number numbers i'd be like
Like, yeah, it's nice, cool.
Good for you, dude.
I wish I was with you guys.
Because that is how I am.
Fucking jealous as hell.
I wanted to be there.
Thank you for calling your local Waffle House.
We are temporarily not accepting to-go orders over the phone at this location.
Would have met Green Bee and Big Fat Cat.
They got to eat Pizza Hut last night.
I missed out.
Pizza Party.
They had a nice pizza party.
Not at the drug house.
At the other one.
At the White People House.
There's another competing Airbnb.
b&b where you just go to drink beer and smoke cigarettes apparently hi this is brad i'm calling
from the corporate office all right how can i help you did you receive specific instructions
for checking your eggs to see if they've been recalled uh no uh i'm not sure this is third
shift okay all right got here all right i need you to go into the refrigerator and take out one
Two of the eggs, please.
White eggs.
Okay.
And we need to see if they float or not.
I need you to take them to the bathroom and take the phone in there,
and I'll give you what the next instructions are.
They float?
Yeah.
I need to go in the bathroom.
Well, the bathroom has a container of water.
You can put them in there and see if the eggs float.
If the eggs float, there's a big problem.
Excuse me?
Stop playing, man.
He does the business.
and you're telling me to get two eggs
from the bathroom and see the corporate office
and you're telling me to go inside
and take the eggs into the bathroom?
Into the toilet.
Man.
This is exactly, I actually got a guy
to do it once. He was
fucking in there putting eggs
in the toilet and some other guy
another worker came in like, man
what you doing, man?
And the guy figured, he realized
how stupid what he was doing was.
Well, what do you have to go to the toilet?
You could just probably get a pot of water going.
I'm going to tell them, if eggs float, they're bad, right?
Is that correct?
I think they're not supposed to float.
You want them not to float.
I presume eggs, yeah, they sink to the bottom, raw eggs.
I'm going to tell them if they sink to the bottom,
that they've got to stop everyone who's eating eggs.
Oh, our honk with the facts.
Thanks, Encyclopedia Brown.
Thank you for calling your local Waffle House.
We are temporarily not accepting to-go orders over the phone at this location.
Eggs are 90% water.
Well, thank you, Encyclopedia Brown.
Glad you figured out that.
Thanks for answering the question.
Does the 10% float or not, you stupid head?
I could just ask the Alexa over here if I wanted to.
Yeah, I'm sorry the incoming call line isn't working.
That sucks.
Let me test it.
405-396-6884.
I see flashing indications, but they don't generate over here.
I've already explained it.
Why am I explaining it again?
again yep it's ringing for me but it doesn't populate over there so god checks himself out
that's gonna take some time that ain't gonna happen tonight deal with it bitches okay let's
see if i can do something it's not waffle house maybe let's look at the swap shop worse your ass
worse your face let's start with a ford wind star for 400 obo does run 400 for a van you could sleep
Sleep in that van.
You could cook meth in that van.
Windstar.
What was that one?
Arrow Star.
Remember the Arrow Star?
That was such an ugly van.
Ford Arrow Star.
Came out like an 87 for the first time.
What an ugly van.
All right, let's call this number here for the Ford Windstar.
Mr. Biggs has a Ford Arrow Star.
He drives around.
Ford Windstar probably.
He's like, I got onion beer in here.
He jerks off on it.
He jerks off on the onion beers.
Yeah, not with a mouth that's like the, you know, he and me.
This guy also needs a bath.
I'm either away from my phone or driving.
Leave me a message to get back with you as soon as I can.
Now you all have a blessed day.
Thank you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you, motherfucker.
Have a blessed dick here.
Yeah, you got a Ford Windstar for sale?
Yeah.
It's got kitchen cabinets and everything in it and a vanity, a bathroom vanity?
inside no no no no no no no no no i'm looking for kitchen cabinets okay to put in there and
yeah and the wind star no no no no no no no the wind stars for sale yeah and i'm looking to buy
some kitchen cabinets for my house okay yeah okay so you don't live in the wind star van do you
you no no no god no you ever do any fornicating in it yeah i guess so that's the sound of a
fornicator i have two bug puppies for sale i think he means pug bug bug i got a bug boobie
who was that oh he was thinking about the time he porked his wife inside inside the van oh yeah
it was probably a very uncomfortable experience he's like oh i think he held the bottom of his
spine the small of his back's like oh god i remember when i fucked well what's her name
murdis that'd be his wife's name i think fuck murdis and the wind star oh god four hundred
dollars man you could buy a van my first car i paid 800 for it that'd be awesome if i could get
a van for four hundred dollars when i was 18 i'd do all the fucking i could i'd be a fat kid in a
van driving around it'd be awesome no the name is murdis our hawk shut up encyclopedia brown over
over there you don't know anything dabber hey this is penny leaving a message pussy lips penny
baby ex-pasista asked to pee in people's butts nice hello hi is penny there this is she you got
them puppies and bug puppies uh no i don't have any more oh come on what happened i sold them all
shit why motherfucker you ever you ever fuck in the van stupid
what you're gonna do when you fuck up you're on the prank call nation mixler and you're confused
yes this is carlito not dwight dwight's at the meetup in san jose california at the prank call
drug house with green bee and all them other people he reached brian walker with bg walker
services i'm unable to come to the phone walker new says to ask the indians if they know where
they went he reached brian walker with bg walker services i'm unable to come to the phone right
now listen you confederate general you fucking he wants a job you don't answer the phone uh
new news says indian restaurants ask if i know where the curry and goes where i take a shit
they don't know because there's shit outside in india it's almost break time time to take a little
little bit of a walk solidified taco bell plans with old athena big athena hi hello hi hi hi yes
hi do you know where the hi hi do you know do you know where the shit goes i've worded when i use
the toilet after i eat the curry where does the shit go huh where does the shit go after i after
i flush the toilet when i eat your food where does the shit go i had a chicken tikka masala
Masala and one banchot.
I want banchot.
I'm crazy about Indian.
I'm crazy about you.
I still talk to me.
Listen, banchot.
Is that okay?
No.
Don't ever dare to call again.
Do you have sister?
Yeah, don't ever dare to call again.
Do you have sister?
Do you have sister?
Bring your sister.
Come front.
Bring your sister in front of me.
I didn't send a mother to an Indian.
I'll hit your car.
I have your number.
Don't act too much.
Alright, that was okay.
Oh, I found the New India Chat Cafe.
If they're going to ask if it's a shit cafe.
New India Chat Cafe.
Is this new?
Hey, dude.
This is New India Shit Cafe?
Yeah, yeah.
Shit Cafe.
All right, good.
So then after I have, do you have chicken tikka masala?
Yeah, yeah, we have.
After I eat the chicken tikka masala, how long until I take a shit?
How long until I take a shit in the toilet?
Give me a second.
Hello?
Yes, hi, Gandu.
Dude, I'm asking how long after I eat the chicken tikka masala until I have to take a shit in the toilet.
Hello?
Can I choke?
No, nobody.
He put his woman mom on and she was upset, apparently.
And they rollies, they rob ice at the bitches.
So I'm addicted to playing with it.
If I had a gun, I would bust back.
See how these players love that point where I can't take it.
I'm a player, hey, I can't dabble to my soul.
Is this a shit restaurant?
Hello?
Is this shit restaurant?
Hello?
Is this shit restaurant?
It's a Sean restaurant, so that's what I was asking.
Yeah.
Uh-oh, I think I corrupted their phone.
All right, I'm done for now.
I'm going to take a break.
I'll be back in a few minutes.
There it is.
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