Kissing Body Your Ass

what if you continue to use that language i'll have to end this call

before holy shit front desk i'm gonna find out what your room number is i'm gonna ask

security to take your property big belly holy shit well then we're on the same page so

same racist page yeah racism yeah all right yeah exactly so i love racism i will let you go i love

of racism yay i'm in the streets listening to madhouse live i hope my speech can compete with

that bad mouth style that we get from carlito that's my big amigo so just kick back to listen

to this cat call people when this show goes live i'll be like damn this shit's bitching

stop whatever i'm doing to tune in and listen you can catch me in the back of his home at

horse machine ranch road i'm busting mad fat flows for assholes and banchos must be crazy

Face it, cause it's the number one prank cast

Stay back if you can't handle all the straight laughs

That we hand to your dome

And if you want, call the number

You can listen to this show on the go

Big up to the man in the madhouse

Show love, just stick your motherfuckin' hands up

Some come close, but they can't get it right

Let the king do his thing, it's time for Madhouse Live

Big up to the man in the madhouse

Show love, just stick your motherfuckin' hands up

Some come close, but they can't get it right

Ladies and gentlemen, this is...

Hey, mother fucks.

Thank you for calling.

For our Chicago address and hours, one.

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Fucking.

You've reached residence.

We're not here right now, but leave your name and address.

The cross residence.

Pick up the phone, motherfucker.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.

Okay.

Eventually someone will pick up.

Don't worry, guys.

Hello?

Yeah, you have an iron bed frame for sale in the Peppa?

I do.

Okay, good.

I need a strong.

It's strong?

Yes.

It's for a full-size bed, just so you know.

Does it squeak if you go up and down on it?

That's the problem I'm having now.

The bed doesn't.

I don't know what your mattress does.

I don't have a mattress for it.

No, no, I have all-foam mattress.

Oh, yeah.

So you would probably want to put a piece of plywood on it instead of the flat.

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, because I keep waking up my mother-in-law when I'm porking my wife.

Okay.

uh you you know that squeaky squeaky sound yeah i'm trying i'm trying to avoid that this

because i'm afraid this is iron it might do it you sure it won't no it doesn't make any noise but

um you understand that it's a full-size bed it's not a queen size or king yeah i need that i need

a full size okay yeah yeah because you know you know uh we're i'm on top of her so it doesn't you

You know, there's enough room.

Okay.

I've recorded it here just so you can hear.

I don't want to hear it.

It sounds like this.

I don't want to hear it.

Hi, this is Judy.

Please leave a message and your phone number,

and I'll call you as quickly as I can.

Thank you.

At the tone, please record your message.

When you've finished recording, you may hang up or press 1 for more options.

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All right.

How y'all doing?

Hope you're all having a happy 420.

4-20 equals 5.

I actually know it doesn't. 20-4 would.

In Europe, it would be 5.

20-4.

America, I don't know.

Echo, what's 4 divided by 20?

0.2.

Thank you, Echo. Thank you.

If you want to join me today, you can.

The number you dialed is not a working number.

405-396-6884. That's 405-39-MOUTH.

I'm also on the YouTubes, the YouTube computers.

Broadcasting on YouTube now.

Watch me make fun of me how fat I am. I want to chat there. Call me big boy. There's a stupid right now

Hey stupid

Yes

You didn't know you didn't have something you're wondering

I did, I had it right here. Where is it?

He was trying to shoot you.

Right, oh here it is, here it is.

Fuck niggers, fuck monkeys, all monkeys deserve to die.

i'm not on board with that you want my honest opinion if you ask me about fuck niggas you know

they can eat a dick i hate fuck niggas fuck niggas always be hating on me stealing my prank ideas

hello hi how are you i'm okay thank you is this big elaine i'm sorry is this big elaine this is

elaine yeah okay um i'm calling from the city i understand you had a moving sale oh yes i i was

I have just a few articles for sale, yes.

Okay, so why haven't you filed the taxes yet?

The tax that you need to, you know, the state and county sales tax applies to that.

Well, it isn't exactly a move-in sale.

It's just a few articles that I have for sale.

Did you sell things?

No, I haven't sold anything yet.

You made no money?

No.

Well, I want to remind you, if you do sell anything, you have to pay 6.5% sales tax to the city.

Okay.

All right.

Well, I have to tell you something.

You can't bring cash.

It has to be check or money order.

Okay.

And why haven't you sold anything?

What's going on?

Why are you advertising a moving sale and then you don't sell anything?

And I hear from your accent that you're not from here originally.

No.

Are you moving back to your own country?

No.

Why don't you?

Because I don't want to.

Whatever.

we we we would rather you move to your own country who is this i'm with the city my name is cross

okay okay what okay sir i'm not calling anybody sir that i don't know i'm talking to i am a sir

you can call me your grace i don't think so i insist i don't think so are you from sheffield

no shit you know i saw you ever see the the the made for tv movie called roots uh called threads

Threads, threads, not roots, threads.

No.

They blew up Sheffield in that movie.

Okay, who am I talking to?

My name is Cross from the City Machine.

I don't know you and I don't know who you are.

Well, we had a report that you were selling things,

so we want to make sure that you pay the taxes on that.

You do understand.

You're selling for $100 a tiller?

I probably will be, yes, at some point in time, but not now, no.

no okay uh so when you sell it for 100 the city expects 6.5 percent of that sale to be brought

over in a check or money order okay okay do you know how much that would be i can calculate i can

have my computer echo what's 6.5 percent of 100 percent of 100 is 6.5 computer says it's 6.5

so six dollars fifty cents okay okay damn it you i'm gonna follow up with you all right okay shut

up elaine shut up okay elaine go sit go pull your pants and panties down stand on the toilet and

until something comes out okay all right that was a weird ending okay computer why the music

keeps starting and stopping thank you for calling hotel chicago and autograph collection hotel by

To know your party's extension, you may dial it at any time during this session.

For reservations, press 1.

For sales and catering, please press 2.

For accounting, press 3.

To reach a guest room, please press 4.

For losses found, press 5.

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If you would like to speak to the app writer, please press 0 or scan.

Please wait while I transfer your call.

Hi, services. This is Caroline. How may I assist you?

Oh, hi. How are you?

Good. How are you?

okay help you i'm busy um what can i help you with i'm busy just a minute

what's your name charlie your name is charlie charlie charlene oh that's a boy's name excuse me

that's a boy's name oh that's a girl's name and it's a really really nice name i don't know hey

can you send some ashtrays up here excuse me can you send us some ashtrays i'm not i'm in the

We don't have ashtrays.

I'm in the bathroom taking a shit.

Okay.

Okay?

Okay, that's good to know.

All right, so we need some ashtrays up here.

We're having a 420 marijuana party.

Yeah, sounds fun, but there's no ashtrays.

So where do we put them?

Can we put them, like, on the carpet, the ashes?

If you want to be charged for it, absolutely.

Okay.

Well, we don't want that.

We don't want any trouble.

All right, we just want to smoke our drugs and get out of here.

Hello, sir?

Hello?

hello hello hi carlito my name is moses moses what's up hey you got it do you have do you have

a rod do you have a staff i got both nice do you part the water yes you fart the happy 420

thank you you're welcome all right um i wanted to talk about um uh my girlfriend i've been living

with her for about 15 years now she's uh filipino and now i have taken on a slight filipino accent

on some of the words that i speak like i say can you put it over there and i and i noticed that

i noticed that whenever you uh say words like pussy and stuff like that it's pretty funny too

it's just a little colloquialism that's pretty nice pussy yeah yeah dwight likes it dwight uses

that too he thinks it's funny yeah and um little lupe i haven't heard her in a while oh yeah

very well yeah little lupe um the stern show you're talking about well well not yeah stern

their show is great well it used to be but uh little lupe was uh fascinating to listen to

because she would always say uh like uh uh you know you have to put in my pussy yeah pussy vagina

pussy yeah stuff like that vagina pussy yeah her pussy was a machine she would say um my pussy's

like a machine yeah you like lumpias um we don't eat those we eat a lot of adobo adobo yeah but

But Filipino adobo is different, right?

You guys don't use the – it's like a different thing compared to the Caribbean.

Yeah, probably.

It's got a lot of – it's just very salty, and it reminds me of soy sauce.

It's a very basic type that she makes.

But I didn't even know that it was anything outside of the Philippines.

Whenever I heard you speak about it, I said, oh, I thought that was a Filipino-only thing.

But I guess it's taken from, like you said, Caribbean culture.

Yep. I think it's more Spain, Spanish culture. It's supposedly, it's originally from Ottoman culture. You got to remember the Ottomans, the Muslims, they took over Spain for a long while. So a lot of stuff got into Spanish culture and then they got brought over to the Caribbean and to the Philippines. Yeah.

You know, actually, I wanted to call.

No, but I mean, I wouldn't discount what you just said.

I was actually going to call and mention that you know a lot about a whole bunch of different things.

What do you like to do?

Do you study trivia frequently?

You seem to be very knowledgeable in general.

I watch a lot of Jeopardy and I like Wikipedia a lot.

I spend most of my work day on Wikipedia.

I spend most of my work day.

I like to open many tabs and keep going in a Wikipedia hole.

No, I just, I don't know.

No, I got kind of a photographic memory, I guess.

I don't know.

I'm just, I know stupid facts that aren't really important.

It's very useful for your prank calls because you confound people whenever you talk.

One of my favorite things, this is really unrelated to a trivia in general, but I thought

it was funny speaking of confounding.

Whenever you called up that guy who was, he sounded like an African-American and he

was very effeminate.

I'm being obscure.

Oh, yes.

But the point is that you said you started making fun of him even though he sounded effeminate and said that he was discriminating you because you fuck guys and girls and then you called him Michael Pence.

And I said, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard and he didn't know how to respond to it.

Did I call that guy Michael Pence?

That guy went off on me for like a half hour, right?

He's like, oh really?

I just remember him saying, oh really, a lot.

Oh really?

well what are you gonna if you're if you're a gay dude or you think you're if you think he's gay or

he sounded gay and you call him michael pence like what is he supposed to respond to that

there's nothing he could do yeah yep oh oh sorry sorry to interrupt i just wanted to say you let

me have my very first ever prank call um i've never done one before i did did you call you

called in the show before you're saying i did call him before and uh you called up a um like

like, I guess, a Denny's or some type of breakfast place.

And I was playing an agent, and we were pretending to be special agents

on an away team for President Trump.

Oh, yeah.

I was so nervous.

I've never done that before, and I was worried I was going to go to jail

because we were pretending to be law enforcement officers.

He was doing a rally in the town, yes, I recall.

Yes, sir.

All right, yes, sir.

You don't have to call me sir.

Come on, it's all right, buddy.

We're family here.

It's all right.

I'm just a prank caller.

Prank caller guy.

I call my uncle, sir.

Yeah.

You call your uncle, sir?

He insists on that?

Nope.

I just, I was born in the States, so deep south.

So we say sir a lot, I guess.

That's true.

I was born in Florida.

I get that a lot when I'm up here.

Like, you know, you say sir a lot.

Like, yeah.

Thank you for calling Hotel Lincoln, a Joie de Vivre hotel located at 1816 North Clark

In the vibrant Lincoln Park neighborhood of Chicago.

Vibrant.

If you know your party's extension, please dial it now.

For all other inquiries, please choose from the following options.

To make a new reservation, or if you have questions about an existing reservation, press 1.

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For billing inquiries, press 2.

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For information regarding our dining options, Jay Parker, the Kennison, and Elaine's Coffee Call, press 4.

To reach a specific department, press 5.

For all other questions, please stay on the line and someone will be with you shortly.

Let's go, let's go.

Yeah.

What is this exactly?

It's a hotel in Chicago.

Hotel.

Please stay on the line while your call is transferred to the operator.

It's where people stay for the night.

Oh, man, I accidentally just mixed Sprite and Coke Zero.

Gross.

I love Coke Zero.

I got some cherry Coke Zero.

It's hard to find, you know.

We have vanilla Coke Zero up here.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they have an orange vanilla down here now.

Orange vanilla.

Hello, Lincoln.

This is Chris.

How may I help you?

Hey, how are you doing, Chris?

Good.

How are you?

Good.

I'd like to see if you could send some ashtrays up here.

Ashtrays?

Yes.

To where?

To 227.

That's not a room number.

1227.

That's still not a room number.

How do your room numbers go?

I don't know what a room number is.

I guess I don't know.

I didn't memorize it.

There's no smoking in the hotel anyway.

Well, I saw there was no tobacco smoking on the internet, online, when I looked.

Yeah, and there's no smoking at all.

This is marijuana.

It's 420.

We're going to kick you out of the hotel if that's the case.

No, you're not.

Fuck you.

Yes, we are.

Fuck you.

Fucking room numbers always get me, man.

There needs to be a unified room number system in the United States to accommodate prank callers like me and you.

This is my second only prank call, but I appreciate it.

No problem.

So, where did you meet your wife?

In the Navy?

no um uh she uh i met her on yahoo chat um in a um um let's see i think it was a bingo

game or something like that she just happened to live in the same uh the bingo damn right

bingo chat all right bingo chat all right super cute man yeah i used to hang on the yahoo chat

back in 97 and stuff i used to troll it a lot that's why i don't get too mad at people who

troll like chat rooms that i'm in because it's like i troll chat rooms it's one of my favorite

hobbies i can't hate i can't imagine it's been so long since i've been in the chat room at all

i'm not talking about the streams that you have i'm just meaning like exactly chat i don't even

know if that exists anymore yeah it hasn't existed because there's pedophiles man the first thing that

happened was they got rid of uh private rooms and where you could create your own room because

there were a bunch of pedophile rooms and it was just too much of a liability like all the all

All the major players closed them down.

AOL did, Yahoo, MSN, years ago.

Early 2000s at the latest, yeah.

Oh, I've been out of the game for so long.

I've been with her for so many years,

I don't even know what the online chat community is like anymore,

except for yours.

And there's probably just as many pedophiles in there.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

Yeah, there's a bunch of fans of Matt Hillock in there, of course.

Yeah, I don't know what people...

Thank you for calling the Hotel Felix.

How may I direct your call?

Yeah, we need ashtrays.

We do not have ashtrays in the hotel here.

We're a non-smoking property.

Well, we're smoking.

You

understand?

We're not smoking property.

There is a charge for smoking.

What are we supposed to do with the ashes?

You're not going to charge us if you don't give us somewhere to put the ashes.

You're not going to charge us if there's holes on the carpet in the mattresses.

Sir, you will be charged with smoking if you smoke in the room.

It said no tobacco smoking.

No tobacco use is what it says.

No smoking in the hotel whatsoever.

offer no it says no tobacco use or smoking in the hotel it says on your website no smoking in the

hotel sir we're not you're not smoking property we're not smoking we're not smoking at all

tobacco we're not touching tobacco there's no tobacco here we're smoking that's fine so you

still cannot smoke in the room we're smoking medical marijuana you can't smoke in the room

you will be charged for it well how much two hundred dollars oh we could pay we're airline

It's because there's a lot of smoke in the hotel, sir.

Well, we're airline pilots.

We're airline pilots.

You still cannot smoke in the room.

It's too late.

We're banging the stewardesses, too.

Wait, sir, I'm going to hang up the phone now.

Have a good rest of your day.

Hey, we'll clean it ourselves.

Seriously, why does it cost so much for smoke removal bullshit?

What do you think they do for smoke removal?

They light some incense.

They probably spray some Lysol.

Oh, $200.

I've got to find a more dingy area of Illinois to call.

Get some Indians.

Indians.

Thank you for calling Hotel Chicago.

What's up?

hi how you doing hey how do how do we deactivate the fire alarm what floor are you on say what now

what floor are you on fourth is it on the fourth floor or is it coming out of your room a room

we want to turn it off because we're smoking in here i'm sorry we're smoking in here we want to

turn off the alarm so it doesn't keep going off you're not allowed to smoke in the room we're not

there says no tobacco use we're doing it we're doing it in the bathroom hello how can i help

Yeah, how do we turn off the fire alarm in the room?

What room are you in?

We're on the fourth floor.

We don't know the room for sure.

We're in the bathroom.

We were smoking marijuana because it's 420.

Okay, you can't smoke in the hotel.

It says no tobacco smoking, no tobacco use or smoking on your website.

It doesn't say anything else.

And this is medical marijuana.

No, you can't smoke anything.

All of Chicago, inside of their buildings, you can't smoke anything.

All right, so look, the fat is in the fire.

Okay, so we need to know what room.

We need to turn this off.

It's making me crazy.

What room are you in?

I'm going to have a seizure or something.

We're on the fourth floor.

What room on the fourth floor?

Where does it say that?

Does it say it in this binder that's here with all the menus and stuff?

No, it just says it on the door.

I'm looking at the door.

There's nothing here.

Okay, we're on our way up.

427.

Please, sir.

No, sir.

All right, this hotel's in Compton.

I'm changing to Compton on the map, looking for hotels to see if this is funny.

We weigh down a bunch of bowls of vinegar.

That seems to help with the smell.

Really?

Bowls of vinegar?

What do you do with the vinegar?

Oh, you just leave it out.

It just absorbs and neutralizes odors.

You're lying.

No, I'm pretty sure.

Oh, I do it, and it seems to work.

Nobody's ever complained.

I live in a condo, so.

It makes you smell like vinegar.

Vinegar doesn't smell like anything after it evaporates, so you can kind of spray it

anywhere.

Ah, okay, smart guy.

Thank you for calling Crystal Hotel.

When you stay here, you stay with us.

For funders and general information, please press 0.

For Chinese, please press 1.

Now go on to Chinese.

For Chinese?

What?

Answer, you fucking...

The Chinese are more industrious than this.

Does your wife call you Momo?

She calls me honey.

She doesn't say Momo instead of Moses?

She'll call me Mo on occasion.

Mo?

Mo, yeah.

Most people call you Momo.

I wonder where I got the idea from.

them. Yeah, well, either or.

Moes. You ever go by Moes?

M-O-S-E? Yeah. Moes.

French, they call me Moes. Or Moise.

Moise. Moe. Moe Dyesley.

All kinds of nicknames I've had.

Turns into German, so it's nice, man.

Does your family find you in a basket or ever?

No, I

was born the normal way, I think.

The normal way? My darling mom.

My darling mom.

The normal way, so not a C-section?

No, I came out

I came out, I came out, um, uh, all natural.

Vaginally.

That's the word.

That's why I called you.

You're the guy with all the knowledge, man.

It's amazing how much you can do it.

I'll buy a comeback.

Oh, no, I've been dialing a few.

Thank you for calling Leo Perez-Motorin.

If you know your party's doing great, please dial it now.

Dial 0 for Fuentes.

I know some new Indian phrases.

I will test them out now.

Oh, awesome, man.

I can't wait to hear.

I've learned all my Indian phrases from you.

All the important ones.

Yeah, pretty much.

uh yes sir namaskar namaskar hi we need um yeah we need uh ashtrays please ashtray we need ashtray

you need ashtray or me need ashtray i need ashtray in the room in the room we need ashtray

there's nowhere to put ashes we're smoking marijuana we're smoking bang okay what do you

want to say i want ashtray in my room i want four ashtrays what room sasta ben room 14 14

hey pagal pagal pagal room 14 ashtray now bring your sister bring bring uh bendy my dear hello

sir dear sir hello yeah bring ashtray to room please please bring ashtray to room you need to

to come down why you come to us we're the guests yeah we're calling the shots we're calling the

shots you bring to us now well you understand i guess i guess namaskar namaskar who is this

my name is sanjay okay okay uh can i have bhenchod bhenchod i think it was wrong number no no

this is sister here your sister right yeah you're the sister yeah brother tell me call you for

for kissing what your brother called told me to call you for make kissing kissing kissing kissing

kissing why do you want to kiss me kiss the hell kissing body kissing body your your ass that's

part of the body yeah what oh big mo you missed a you missed a good call i'm sorry oh not at all

man i'm i'm a guest in your home i just want to be respectful to you that's all my fault i hope

you have a great rest of your uh calls today man all right momo can i let you go open let you go

go Momo.

I will.

Absolutely.

Thank you so much again,

Carlito.

I wish you all the best for the rest of your weekend.

Hey,

thanks man.

You too.

You and yours.

Happy birthday.

Hitler.

Happy birthday.

What?

Let's try to call that place back.

What?

Namaskar.

What?

Ram Ram,

don't be so angry.

What is wrong with you?

I am friend of your brother.

Who is my brother?

He said to call you for kissing.

I don't have any brother,

okay?

So stop calling.

If you want to order something, you can order it.

I want kissing.

Give me one second.

Okay.

Namaskar.

What?

Namaskar.

Hey, I'm calling for pretty girl to kiss, for kissing pretty girl.

I'm calling for kissing to pretty girl.

I don't have wife.

Why don't you kiss your wife?

I don't have wife.

If you don't have wife, go find it.

I make you wife.

Life, I make you very happy.

I make you very happy.

Hello, thanks for calling.

Why are all the Easter eggs red?

Namaskar.

I have no idea why.

Because they hurt when they come out.

I don't know.

No, tomorrow is Palm Sunday.

Yes, it is.

Jesus is going to come in on the ass.

On the ass.

And he brings water.

And he delivers water.

Jesus delivers water, man.

Yeah, well, tomorrow is Palm Sunday for you Greeks.

That's it.

Yeah.

How are you doing, big legend?

Oops.

Sorry, Hadget Hold.

How are you doing there, big legend?

I'm doing okay.

How are you, big guy?

I'm good.

You playing with your phone?

Hello, sir.

Namaskar.

Hi.

I'm calling for a pretty girl.

What's your phone number, sir?

No, this is Indian restaurant.

Yeah.

I like Indian man.

I want to put a wig on you.

Long hair and kissing you.

Oh.

Oh, you're hard.

Yeah.

Hi.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Hi.

Yeah.

I should reply.

My bad.

It's fine.

I thought I...

Oop.

No, we're back.

We're back.

Okay.

Bye.

We eat lamb.

Hello.

Hello, fish.

Hello, Indian.

Shahi Dahaba?

Yes.

Namaskar.

Really?

I'm just saying hi.

His phone connection sucks.

Fucking...

Oop.

hello hello namaskar may i make an order please good sir

to you okay one butter one butter chicken okay okay do you have soup uh uh hot soup with chicken

the chicken soup that's very hot you know oh shit do you have the lentil beans

I have the pakabal.

Yeah, what's it called?

Pakabal.

Pakabal?

Okay.

Pakabal, yeah.

Okay, I want to pee in it.

You want to what?

I want to pee in it.

You want to pee in it?

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay, and then I'm going to shake it up and I'm going to give it to you to eat.

I want you to eat it after I pee in it.

Okay.

I want to pee on all the food and eat it.

Okay.

And we eat it, okay?

Okay.

Okay, do you have sister?

Excuse me?

Can you bring lovely sister to me?

Hey, stupid monkey.

Come on.

I said, lovely sister, I want to pee in the food.

You don't have anything to say?

What do you want me to say?

I want you to have a reaction.

I don't have no reaction to you, bro.

What if I pull out my penis there in the restaurant and pee inside the food?

You're not going to have a reaction?

No?

Are you going to get an erection?

Is that why you don't care?

No, you just want to call and fun.

Is that what it is?

Because I don't like Indian people.

I don't like Indian food.

You know me.

everybody you know has their own choices i'm like that's what he thinks i'm like

okay do you wash your hands well i try okay bye honey i love you week that sucked are you still

around chicago are you going to be there for the next meetup fucker legend shit you're on hold i

was asking if you're going to be in chic are you in around chicago still are you going to be at

the next meetup yes oh yes yes been a busy day today yes i'm going to try to be there

if everything is okay i hope so i sure hope so you need to check on matt hill hill cox that's

fluid i think denny's in orange this is jamie how may i serve you yeah you may serve me that's how

i like girls to say excuse me that's what i like girls to say can you say that again what can i do

for you what can you how can you serve me right what can i do for you you should order food are

you gonna play on the phone like you're a kid i want to order food okay from ohio yes i'm on

on vacation stupid okay what can i get for you stupid um i need okay i'm not going to take any

order from you call a different denny's go blow go blow i'm making some horta huh i'm boiling

dandelions yeah also real horta not not spinach you're doing the real dandelions did you pick

them yourself from roadside side of the road no no we had an international market on every corner

are here so they sell them nice you can get really high yeah big ones done dandelions

i don't know if you ferment them yes it'll make your dick big dandelion yeah they're not weeds

they're edible every part of it's edible how do you make horta you take dandelions and you boil

them with a lemon lemon water boil them down and then lemon again and lots of olive oil

Thank you for choosing Denny's in Elkhart.

Hi, I'd like to make an order.

Okay, give me one second, please.

Hurry up.

Hurry the fuck up.

Shit, damn it.

Thank you for calling Denny's in Hickory Hills.

Shit, damn it.

Hurry the fuck up.

I need to make an order.

What can I get for you?

One eggs.

You said just one egg?

One eggs.

One eggs?

Yes.

So would you like two or four eggs?

How do they come?

They come by the dozen, right?

No, this is Denny's.

Exactly.

I want one eggs.

So we have the Build Your Own Slam.

You can pick any four items.

Oh, Q-boop.

Yeah, I can't hear any of those signals.

You know, no B-boop, no rings, no nothing.

Nothing?

Yeah, that's what I heard last week.

Dom the Bomb from the Stupid Foam Brothers was saying that.

Yeah, I know what's going on.

I miss the old hang-up sound, the four chimes, the bling, bling, bling, bling.

Bling, bling, bling.

Yeah.

Yeah. I forgot that that was VoxOx, that old program. Stopped working.

Like, they just abandoned their Windows client and went all mobile.

Someone is available to take your call.

Well, fuck me.

I will let you go, and I will continue to listen, sir.

Thank you, sir. Thanks for joining. I know it was boring. Sorry. I should engage more with you guys.

No, you're not boring.

You're not boring.

I have to be self, whatever, what's it called? Self-defecating? I have to self-defecate.

Oh, I see.

alright buddy, you take care

alright there

see you September

alright, peace to Sanistri

see you later, bye

see you later, Sanistri, bye

alright, Jesus has risen

indeed he has risen

What I do came in with my style

So I followed you

I kept changing on the world since

I came with niggas I hung with

Fuck bitches I hit

It's funny, I won't say

If I take a check and put something away

For a rainy day to make my exit

Is this Stupid Denny's?

Yeah, Denny's

Where the stupid people are?

Yes

Okay, I want to make an order

I want to make an order

Yeah, go ahead

Okay, hey, namaskar

Okay

One order of eggs

Okay

One eggs

Okay

Okay, that's it. That's it. That's it. One eggs. Okay. Okay. All right. Hey, you stupid fart. Why don't you tell me? Damn it. There we go. I forgot how to do international dialing again. I'll do it again. I always forget when I want to do international calls how to dial the international shit.

my flesh right away but that'll be the day when it's peace when my gat don't need to spray when

these streets are safe to play sex with death indulging these women vision my own skeleton

swimming in eternal fire fraud played with pentagrams and a vagina like the exorcist

then they gave birth to my seeds i beg for god's help why they love hurting me i'm your disciple

a thug certainly i'm the n the a to the s i r if i wasn't i must have been escobar just a minute

while i try to get instructions on how to do this correctly still in the chair like my

when everything around me got cloudy the chair became a king's throne my destiny found me it

was clear why the struggle was so painful metamorphosis this is what i changed to god

yeah that's exactly how i dialed it you piece of shit it just says forbidden shit that's the

configuration error on my part on my pbx i gotta fix that damn it i had a good idea there was

rioting in france today protest i was gonna complain about it i was gonna talk about the

The church the Notre Dame. Oh, well not anymore ain't some induction timing light for sale

Pachinko, Japanese game for sale.

Okay.

Hi, this is Bruce.

Leave a message.

Record your message.

When you have finished recording, you may hang up or press 1 for more options.

You are satisfied with your message.

Press 1 to listen to...

No, I was trying to call again.

Don't you tire these things.

Hi, this is Bruce.

Leave a message.

I was close to my dream.

Finished recording.

You may hang up or press 1 for more options.

Fucker.

if you are satisfied with your message press one to listen to your message press two to erase and

re-record press three to continue recording where you left off press four send your message with

normal delivery chicken plucker and scolder for sale let's kill some chicken

Aww, man.

I have a good idea for this.

Well, so much for that.

I was gonna kill some chickens.

That ain't gonna happen now.

Hello?

Their answering machine's a piece of shit.

Okay, someone's got a daybed for sale.

sale come get your boat for sale here it comes these are parkman numbers for friday they were

for friday yesterday here's a caller hello caller save us

is this dino you kind of sound like dino yeah bro what's going on hey i'm all right how you

been syndicate coming back together again you're always like syndicate's coming back i don't know

Yeah, yeah, I've been working on it, man.

You've been coming back for two years, pendejo.

Jesus.

Yeah, but now we're doing it.

July 4th, we're relaunching.

Fuck yeah, man.

Hell yeah.

Did you leave Florida?

Did you leave Florida already?

Yeah, I had to, man.

It was too hot over there.

You know, it sucked.

You know, I left Florida right when you moved in.

That's what sucks.

We could have hung out, but I literally just left Florida,

moved up here to Pennsylvania when you moved down there.

You were in the same town.

You were like right there.

Where in PA are you?

Huh?

You're in PA now?

Yeah, I'm in PA.

Central PA with the Amish and shit.

By Lancaster?

Kind of that area, yeah.

Yeah, my son just bought a house out there.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

After the show, give me a call.

You got my number on your call ID?

I got it in the records.

Call me.

I got the same number.

Ain't nothing changed, bro.

All right.

I probably still got you in my phone somewhere.

So how you been, big guy?

Good, good, man.

So what's up, man?

Who you calling right now?

Boat for sale.

if they pick up no one's picking up off this list trying to get my boat on you can help out

no problem that's what i'm here we'll be gangsters yeah it's good to talk to you do you know your

call yeah same here bro yeah i miss those days uh you know when we when we would be doing those

shows and shit all the good old days i remember rev and zolo on the network too man it was

the good old days bro yeah oh man i remember the whole lego thing that was funny yeah lego was

was another one doing the prank on us right yeah yeah those are the good old days bro i miss them

days and now if you notice bro this is the reason why i was like i gotta come back dude everybody's

so politically correct and acting like pussy i was like man the shit we used to get away with bro

yeah yeah i'm gonna just bug out again you know just like i'm saying i'm bringing like pro comics

in this time dude i'm not gonna do it like before i remember we just gave everybody a show so we

It'll be live 24 hours a day.

Yeah.

I'm not doing it like that this time.

Okay.

All right.

Do you still keep in touch with Hooknose?

Hooknose Mike?

Was it Hooknose Mike?

I talked to him about like five months ago.

He calls me like twice a year we talk.

Yeah, there was this other Hispanic dude that did shows, too.

What the fuck was his name?

Pedro was his name?

Yeah, Pedro, Pedro.

Yeah.

That was a Dominican guy from uptown.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We had a lot of fun back then.

Yeah.

Yeah, Emmy Rose got real sick, I guess, you know?

Yeah, I heard some shit about that, yeah.

Heather was telling me all about that.

A lot of people passed him back in the days.

Yep, really?

You remember that Raunch Fox?

Oh, yeah, Raunch Fox is gone.

Yeah, that's right.

And in the Howard Stern world, everybody died.

Remember Henry Hill used to do a show?

Yeah, Henry Hill died.

Charlie Pardo, the midget.

Eric died, yeah.

Hump in the bed.

But, yeah, man, I don't like Howard anymore.

I just had enough because he started talking shit about podcasters.

And I was like, you know what?

Fuck you, Howard.

You know?

And you're not lying to me.

I do.

I stopped listening to Howard.

You know how big the shit was all about that.

Yeah.

After Artie left, bro, the station got watered down.

I know.

Yeah.

That horse face bitch jumped on the scene and forget it.

Like, he went mainstream, you know?

Yep, I just don't like the back-and-forth, you know that kept going on with Howard and Artie

You know Howard's this was real disrespectful in my opinion already

Holy shit nose man

Yeah, so I guess what happened way the heap he broke the glass that he did was doing blow-on and he snorted it anyway

Yeah, supposedly, because he sniffed a lot of cocaine and heroin.

Over the time, he said that on what you say, it's like it was collapsing.

And then, supposedly, somebody punched him in the face and it broke.

Oh, yeah.

I don't know.

Somebody supposedly punched him in the face.

I think it was some bookie or something.

He owed money to.

They punched him in the face and that shit just healed all fucked up.

Yeah, he's real lost, man.

He had a lot of opportunities after he left the Stern Show.

You know, he had the deal with DirecTV and all that.

He had the show with...

Yeah, that studio looks sick, bro.

With the other comic, yeah.

That sports show he was doing, it was fun.

It was a funny show.

He was on with Anthony Cumia.

He was doing a show with that nigga from Opie and Anthony.

Yep, Anthony and Opie.

And that shit fell through, bro.

Yeah, that shit fell through.

I don't like Cumia.

I don't like the dude.

He seems kind of, he's just kind of, I don't know,

something about his attitude.

I never, you know, I never got that with Opie and Anthony

because they were like on the flip side of the team.

You know, all the Howard fans hated them and vice versa.

And then I saw this video, you guys should check it out.

It's called The Dark Side of Anthony Cunha.

The dude does a documentary about this dude, about him fucking training.

Oh, shit.

What a racist he is.

Anthony Cunha did that?

Yeah, bro, and he's trying to throw everything under the fucking rug.

You know, he had all those Reddit users that used to be like Opie and Anthony, hardcore friends.

Yeah, the RV.

They went after him.

Yeah, and they started kicking his hamper over, bro.

Damn.

That dude's just creepy, bro.

You see, when I started not liking Howard anymore, I started actually listening to Opie and Anthony.

I started enjoying it.

I like Sam on that channel.

He's pretty good.

And the one comic, the one dude is pretty funny.

Jim Norton.

Jim Norton's hilarious, dude.

He's awesome.

Yeah, yeah.

He's doing a podcast now.

Everyone's got a podcast.

Yeah, man.

You remember Syndicate Days?

We were like the first ones doing it.

And we all aligned with the network.

And now everybody in the crowd.

Every comedian needs to do a podcast now.

It's the only way to you know, stay out keep your name out there and shit. Yep. Yeah, it's crazy

Oh, yeah, that's I'm saying I want to take it back to basics

So I was hoping you were gonna come back to the network, you know, so got a day

I don't you still do it a weekly show you just do it like on the fly

I kind of moved to Friday because I've been doing stand-up on Thursday nights. So oh you're doing

Yeah, I've been doing stand-up

at that it doesn't look at you yeah there's a lot of people asked me i've been thinking i'm

gonna get someone to put on youtube live uh one night or you know i could put it on syndicate

you know that'd be cool yeah all right definitely you know i'm gay for all that shit i'm trying to

get a syndicate door because we got all these you know i got all these pro comics now these

These guys are really good, like Bob Levy, George Gallo.

Tony Langolfi, he's fucking, he's funny as fuck.

And Breschetti's coming back to Sydney.

He's going to start doing a podcast again.

Trying to get Joey Diaz.

Joey Diaz.

I don't know, maybe he can do it.

No, no, Joey Diaz, he does his own stuff.

The guy is funny, though.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

It's the Spanish cat.

Yeah.

That used to be with Joe Logan.

Yep.

And it's crazy.

When we were doing it, it wasn't like,

the media wasn't like it is now, though.

I think it'll be a lot easier to get the word out this time.

Yeah.

Injury Hotline.

This is Kathy.

Yeah, this is DirecTV.

Injury hotline?

Accident line?

No, it is not.

This is the DirecTV injury hotline?

No.

What do you mean, no?

It's not.

Excuse me.

What's with your attitude?

You know you have an attitude?

Hello.

When was the last time you had some?

No, it's been a while.

Let's try someone else.

Hello.

Yeah, she was a bitch.

I don't want to respond.

I'm back.

Whenever I connect the number, it puts you on hold, and you hear, like, hold music.

That's what's going on.

I know, it confuses everybody, my bad.

Oh, she picked up and hung up.

She picked up and hung up.

Yeah, that bitch was rude.

Yep.

All right, we're going to call a gambling casino hotline.

Thank you for calling the Ohio Problem Gambling Hotline.

That right there.

If you or someone you know is experiencing a problem related to gambling,

please hold for assistance in the next available sessions.

We are interested in your feedback.

Would you be willing to have us call you back within a few minutes

after the call to answer three great questions about your experience today?

Please call 1 if you would like to provide feedback.

Hi. Hi. I'm at the casino and I met my bookie. I owe him money.

I lost money on the NBA playoff game last night.

He said he's going to punch me in the nose and he's going to embarrass me in front of everyone here in the casino.

He's going to take my clothes off in front of everyone.

one he said he's real his name is dino he's real mad will you talk to him i have a gambling problem

well i think that you need to call the police if you're being threatened with assault

no no i just need someone to vouch for me that i'll pay for this hey dino she's gonna talk to

you it's gonna be cool there's nobody to vouch for people with um hello who's this

hello who am i speaking to uh this is the problem gambling helpline of ohio

All right, you covered your vouching for this motherfucker?

I owe him $30,000.

I have a big gambling problem.

Who's this bitch threatening you to call the police?

I have a big gambling problem.

What are you talking about police?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What's this bitch talking about police?

What the fuck is that all about?

Excuse me.

You've called the Problem Gambling Helpline of Ohio.

I didn't call anybody, bitch.

I'm trying to get my money.

Don't give me no attitude.

I'll come over there and slap you in your mouth with my balls.

He will, too.

Can you just tell them I'm good for it?

Oh, man.

She's gone.

That's a gambling problem.

Thank you for calling the Ohio Problem Gambling Helpline.

If you or someone you know is experiencing a problem related to gambling,

please hold for assistance from the next available specialist.

It's a problem with gambling, all right.

We are interested in your feedback.

Would you be willing to have us call you back within a few minutes after the call

to answer three brief questions about your experience today?

Please press 1 if you would like to provide feedback.

back. Press 2 if you do not wish to

buy feedback or are unable to be

reached by phone. Dino hung up.

What? I lost Dino.

We're calling the Problem Gambling Helpline.

How may I help you today? Yeah, Dino's,

he's, if you could just, I have a

gambling issue. Okay,

but what you're asking us to do

to vouch for you is not what we're here for.

We're here to link you with addiction

counseling services. I thought you were there to help out

with gambling problems.

Yes, and get you

counseling or into a support group.

Can you guys wire me some funds?

We do not provide funds.

I'm sorry.

Then what?

You're not any help at all.

You're not helping my gambling problem at all.

This guy, he's holding a baseball bat right now.

You understand?

And then, so I'm suggesting that you call the police.

Call 911.

Look, he's Dominican.

He's Dominican.

Sir, this is a serious helpline.

We link people with addiction counseling services.

If that's not what you're needing, if you're needing the police, you can call 911.

That doesn't help me at all.

All right.

I'm just going to pretend to be police.

This is an happy day.

Thank you for calling Secret Witness.

To continue in Spanish, press 2 now.

With Secret Witness, you can anonymously earn cash rewards for providing information that leads to the arrest and prosecution of a crime.

If this is an emergency, please hang up and dial 911.

Otherwise, please remain on the line and your call will be answered momentarily.

Wait while I translate your call.

Well, I just went to Walmart, and I tried on a pair of shoes, and I walked out with them.

Okay, um, let's see, you might want to try contacting them, or maybe going back over there, perhaps, to rectify.

Well, I'm just afraid they're going to be mad, you know?

Well, you know, honestly, I've done the same thing myself with a bottle of nail polish.

Yeah, I wanted it to fall through my cart, and I stuck it in my pocket, and then I did the same thing.

Oh, that's so hot.

I am so sorry.

That is so hot.

That's so hot that you did that.

Yeah, so stuff like that happens, and, you know, just let them know, you know, you want them, and they can still bring you up, no problem, and I'm sure no hard feelings.

But they don't know, right?

I could keep it, and nothing would happen, right?

Well, technically.

technically i'm not gonna tell you one way or another whether to do that but um stuff like that

happens they're nice shoes though you know yeah i believe you they're nice and new too yeah i love

the feeling of new shoes right you're a girl you like shoes right i do i need some myself

your feet oh your shoes stink right now no no they're just old old stinky shoes old stinky shoes

so that's so hot that's so hot and sexy that you stole before and real turned on

well it was an accident i went back and told them and um so too honest for my own good

okay have you ever thought about trying it out again like for role play purposes um don't think

so like you you could go take the nail polish and then you know i'll come to you be like i'm

mr police like that i i i don't have a response for that and then we'll go to a hotel and i'll

tie you up and everything i'll hog tie you and i'll i'll put the um the nail polish in your vagina

like the bottle i gotcha and uh really i gotta keep the line open for other secret witness tips

so unless you got anything so this is snitching this is a snitching line basically is this snitching

line i'm sorry is this a snitching line um it's a secret witness line yeah for for crime tips

oh are you guys looking for lysol still um i'm not sure i actually just got here so i'm not sure

what we got going on just yet okay there's this guy lysol i know you guys are looking for oh okay

uh you know anything about him i do yeah he's got the best weed he's got the best weed in kentucky

i'll tell you that much oh well at least you know that i'm never gonna snitch on him i know where

he's at right now i'm not gonna snitch on him though oh okay well if you ever change your mind

you can certainly call back secret witness and uh we can go from there all right whatever you guys

so you guys aren't police you guys are just like a middleman yeah yeah we just relay the info you

keep the cut of the report of the reward is that what it is um yeah yeah we we usually like if we

We get a tip, we'll give a reference number, and then, yeah, depending on arrests and convictions and things like that, then the rewards come into play.

So you get a portion of reward, really?

Damn.

We don't, but, yeah, we've got to wait and see what the outcomes are usually, I believe.

Okay.

Vaginosis.

Right.

You know?

So.

Okay.

But, yeah, so if you change your mind about the shoes, let them know.

And anything crime-wise happens, give us a call back.

Oh, by the way, I know about a crime, a theft, intellectual property, the Chinese government.

I don't know where they are, too.

Oh, okay.

All right, well, yeah, if you get details, let us know.

They're in Asia.

Right, that they are.

They're dirty people.

They steal.

Yeah, they're, I can't think of the word, but I know what you mean.

They're dirty, slanty-eyed.

i that's what you want to say right i know you can't say it but i'm thinking it you're thinking

well then we're on the same page so same racist page yeah racism yeah all right yeah exactly

so i love racism i will let you go i love racism yay excellent all right but i'll let you go you

have a good rest of your day bye sexy all right bye bye that being said i gotta pee carlitos gotta

When I come back, more attempted prank calls, more attempts at prank calls, and they will succeed.

We will all succeed together.

More of your calls at 405-3966-884.

You can call in, but don't call in now because I'm taking a break.

So 405-3966-884.

I got time for one more call.

I can hold my pee-pee for a little bit.

I believe there is no Dwight McClanahan tonight.

This is all you get from prank calls today.

Dwight, the janitor, will not be doing a show because it's his birthday.

Apparently he can't do a show on his birthday, even though I can every year.

He was calling in earlier.

Oh, I've got to put him on Skype, and I will.

I got distracted with my...

Thanks for following Blue Licks Battlefield State Resort Park.

It will be our pleasure to assist you.

Please choose from the following menu.

For lodge and cottage reservations, please press 1.

For group sales, catering, and event planning, please press 2.

For hidden waters restaurants, please press 3.

For the pool, please press 4.

Guest services, this is Pat. How can I help you?

Is this the pool?

No, it is not. The pool's not open yet.

Oh, I need to pee.

Sorry.

Where am I going to pee if the pool's closed?

Well, I imagine you would go to the restroom.

Is there a fountain here?

a water fountain anywhere what can i do for you i need to pee well there's a race

dreams on the park you can go there where in the park in the parking lot okay

thank you for calling a lot of my windham lexington north hotel and conference center

to make a reservation press one to modify an existing reservation press two to speak to the

front desk or for any other inquiry please press three and the rest can't fuck with me the devil

son of law king of the underground i name it thank you for calling my monitor conference

police would you like to make a reservation no i'm calling the front desk yes this is the front

desk shit damn it uh is the pool open yes it is all right good because i have to pee right

all right i said i was gonna take a break motherfuckers leave me alone all right everyone

if you're on youtube you're gonna have to listen to silence i can't help it because

fucking youtube computers and they music gets played on the break and shit gets out of hand

you know they start banning me and demonetizing me and stuff so i'm gonna take that break back

in a few more minutes and more pranky calls and your calls and there we go bye

the nation prank called nation

the FBI will be back

so when you die

you open a tractor and you go

house radio is back

you are bigger than a woman

we'll always be behind you

do not let a woman ever

make you big

yo chuck what's the move man

get in the studio you know what I'm saying

stop me

you know what I'm saying

so chuck you got a film

you're turning into a public enemy man

now remember that line you was kicking to me

Hey, Dwight, what's going on?

I'm masturbating.

Good.

Let's hear it for Masturbating Dwight.

Why do you still have a Christmas-themed Skype avatar?

I don't get it.

I don't know.

I fuck with them.

It's a Santa Claus with two candy canes.

You gotta change that shit, man.

The crazy guy?

Yeah.

Yeah, you gotta get an Easter bunny.

I'll do it.

I don't have any Easter money for Nick Caesar.

Come on, Nick.

Get on it, man.

Motherfucker.

Yeah, I don't have any Easter, Dwight.

Fucking Nick Caesar taking shits and painting with it.

I like when he does that and he smears it.

All over his chest.

He's like Jackson Pollock.

He's like that.

All right.

Who are we going to call?

Dwight, any ideas?

Ghostbusters.

Vacation home rental.

Here we go.

you for calling the short-term rental hotline

if this is an emergency please hang up and call 9-1-1 if you are reporting an issue at a specific

short-term rental property please press 1 if you are calling with a man hell i'll call my

short-term rental press 2 to report an issue related to a specific property you will need

to know its full address if you do not know the address of the property you are calling about

please hang up now and call back when you have the address after the call we

may want to follow up with you to ensure that the issue has been resolved please

press 1 if you are okay with sharing your name and phone number your

information will not be shared with your neighbors or anyone else trust you to

remain anonymous so we cannot follow up with you to report an issue related to a

specific property you will need to know its full address okay if you do not know

know the address of the property you are calling about please hang up now and call back when you

have the address after the call we may want to follow up with you to ensure that the issue has

been resolved please press one if you are okay with sharing your name and phone number your

information will not be shared with your neighbors or anyone else press two to remain anonymous so

okay no problem to report a news and such as a noise parking or trash issue press one two what

What best describes the issue you are reporting?

Press 1 to report a loud party.

Press 2 to find out.

Okay, after this call, we will attempt to call the person responsible for this property to resolve the issue.

Press 1 if this is okay or 2 if you would not like us to contact the responsible person.

Okay, we will attempt to contact them as soon as we are done with this call.

I'm going to transfer you now to an agent at our answering service for a few final questions.

This call may be recorded for quality assurance.

This call may be recorded for quality assurance purposes.

Thank you for calling. This is Ismael. I'm here to collect some additional information about your complaint.

Yeah, I'm calling about the Matt Hillock Drug House.

About what?

The Matt Hillock Drug House.

The Matt Hillock Drug House?

Yeah, Matt Hillock, he's staying in one of the properties here.

Okay. And may I have the address?

I don't know the address. It's the Matt Hillock House.

And what city is that in?

It's in San Jose.

Jose. He's being a nuisance. He made a flag out of a garbage bag with a marker in a garbage bag.

It says MH on it. He's like, hey, this man hit a log. Like that. It's flying. It's like a trash

bag that's flying like a windsock outside on a pole outside the house. Okay. I'm sorry to hear

that, sir. They're smoking lots of marijuana. They're smoking lots of marijuana inside the

house and they're having a ketchup fight in the bathroom. They're having a ketchup

a bite in the bathroom yeah i know i can't explain it either why you'd want to do that but um okay um

let me go ahead and now i would need to go ahead and press pass on this information to the local

authority um and they may follow up with you if they have additional questions uh would i be able

to get your phone number sir uh i wanted to remain anonymous oh okay that's perfectly fine

he's a yeah he's a criminal he's a dangerous guy matt hellock yeah okay i'll go ahead and take

Take note of this, sir.

Like, he asked me, are there a lot of stray dogs around here?

And I'm like, no, I don't know.

And he, him and his friends brought a bunch of stray dogs inside the house, and I think

they were going to fuck them.

They were saying, we're going to fuck these dogs tonight.

And they were like, yeah.

Matt was out there saying cheers really loud.

He was like, cheers to fucking the dogs, like that.

He's like, it's cool.

They're female dogs, like that, he said.

What in the world?

Yeah, I know, right?

Okay.

He's crazy.

It sounds pretty crazy, sir.

I am going to have to pass on the information, though, and I'll get it to the local authority, sir.

Yeah, please, because, you know, there's dog sex and ketchup fights going on.

And he told me not to call.

He said, snitches get stitches, he said.

And I told him, look, I have a job.

He's like, work is for suckers, he said to me.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

I do apologize.

It just sounds kind of, I've never heard anything like this before in my life.

Yeah, and they started, they have a rental car,

and they were taking the tires off the rental car

and he said they were going to start a fire,

a bonfire in the front yard.

And you don't have the address there?

No.

Do you have the zip code by any chance?

Whatever the zip code is in San Jose.

Okay, thank you.

And that's California, correct?

Yep.

All right.

Look at the big brain on you.

How'd you get so brilliant then, eh?

Cool.

All right, cool, man.

All right.

Well, you have a great day, sir.

Thank you for calling.

All right, honey. See you.

The Matt Hillock Drug House. Yeah.

Look at the big brain on bread.

Thank you for calling womenshealth.gov, a service of the Office on Women's Health.

Para continuar en español, marque numero uno.

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We can help by referring you to online publications or health organizations.

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Please listen to the following options before making your selection.

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I need help with breasts.

Women's health doesn't matter except for Monday through Friday.

Was it the awe bra I kept calling and saying stuff about breasts?

Well, they're so confusing, you've got to get clarification.

You have reached the National Abortion Federation hotline.

The hotline is currently closed.

Please call back during their regular hours of operation.

The abortion hotline.

Yep.

Fuck you if you want an abortion on a weekend.

You just passed the fucking cutoff line.

You're now having a baby.

You can wait a few days.

It's all right.

It doesn't matter if you get it done now or a few days from now.

In New York, you can have them aborted up to two years of age.

Huh?

Okay.

Yeah.

You can do that in New York.

as long as you get them by their second birthday their third game what do you know about new york

you don't know anything about oh hopefully nothing ever you're going to the meetup in

new york aren't you yeah somebody told me two days ahead and like or the last time you went

you called me from the meetup and i was like hey we're having a meetup i'm like oh okay it was

everyone there was a cold delight he's gone on the air like all right there he is well i'm out

of numbers i don't know what to do should start making up numbers or down do new numbers they

They just won't go anywhere, but they'll work.

I'll just play a ringing sound tone.

Say their new, new numbers.

Like that.

He's not that stupid.

That's stupid.

Energy drinks and PTSD.

Thanks for allowing our customer loyalty team to put a little Zappos in your day.

TV says military concerns, energy drinks and PTSD.

Good.

Do energy drinks affect PTSD?

Thanks, and have a great day.

Joke of the day?

I don't drink that shit.

Hi, my name is Chrissy from the Brand Aura Circle, and this is your show today.

Concern about how aging drinks affect VAC with PTSD.

What do you call a rabbit with fleas?

Bugs Bunny.

This is not the dog boy you be.

You fucking racist shit over there.

Thank you for calling Zappos.

My name is Jordan.

How can I help you?

That's a boy's name.

Sure is.

Why do you have it?

Maybe I'm a boy.

Do you have a penis?

Do you have something Zappos related I can help you out with?

Yes.

What is it?

I have a SKU number for you to look up.

Okay, what's the SKU number?

9-1-6-1-5-7-1.

The Kamek Clear Lake?

Yeah, is it Sandals?

Mm-hmm.

This is what I'd hit you with if you talked to me with that kind of attitude again.

What can I help you out with?

I asked you a question.

What was the question?

If you had a penis.

Sir, if you keep asking that question, I am going to disconnect.

Do you have a sister?

I don't.

Do you have a lovely sister, no, and a lovely brother?

Nope.

Oh, man, you're the only child?

Yep.

You ever fart in your hand and smell it?

All right, I'm going to go ahead and disconnect.

no you can't you can't you can't oh all right you know what she did that's why she's got that

attitude she's the only child i look up something funny here what's funny i usually put in like

something like sex and there'll be like a handbag that says sex on it cat's out shopping right now

she should like give me the name of the business so we can call them yeah let us call it yeah

fuck yeah we'll ask for you to be so funny thanks for allowing our customer loyalty team to put a

a little Zappos in your day. For quality

assurance, this call may be monitored or

recorded. We'll be getting you to a team member

shortly. In the meantime, if you'd like

to hear the joke of the day, please pass by.

Thanks, and have a great day.

Para Español, por favor presione dos.

Look at your life. Calling Zappos.

This is Dana. How can I help you? I have a

SKU number. Who are you speaking with?

Kulo. My name is Kulo. C-U-L-O.

What's that SKU number that we're looking at?

912-1212.

It's a totally serious one.

I'm not making it up. Let me go ahead and get

into your account what's your email address i don't have an account yet all right let's go

ahead and set one up it's totally free what's your email address uh it's orion white at triple

k.com can you spell that a-r-y-a-n-w-h-i-t-e at triple k.com i don't think that's a real email

address it is you want to try again no that's my email address all right let me go ahead and

create that account. What's your... Did you look up the SKU number yet? I will once we get into

your account. No, I command you to look it up now. I'm sorry, if you're going to speak to me like

that, I'm going to disconnect the call. I order you to. I'm going to disconnect the call. Shut up,

please. Oh, whatever. I think that was the same chick. I love when you start ordering them around.

If you're going to touch me... Shut up. For allowing our customer loyalty team to put a

little Zappos in your day. For quality assurance, this call may be monitored or recorded. We'll be

be getting you to a team member shortly. In the meantime, if you'd like to hear the joke

of the day, please press 5. Thanks, and have a great day.

Para Español, por favor, presione 2.

Look at your life, and just rewind and know that, well, well.

Thank you for calling Zappos.com. My name is Devin, how can I help you today?

Hey, boy, I need you to look up a SKU number for me, please.

Okay, what's the SKU number?

912-1212.

Okay.

And what do you have there?

I have women's delight

tickets

alright yeah

and it has a picture

of a woman

in the thong underwear

yep

what do you think about that

look at her legs

she got nice legs right

so are you looking

at ordering these

or

I want to order her

ok

do you have an account

with us bud

you can almost make out

the shape of her vagina

wait a minute

I'm going to go ahead

and disconnect the call

now ok

ok do you have a way

you have a wonderful day man

her vagina

vagina

nah

these are tight people

god

i tell you what's the big deal uh said vagina oh we all come up from one most of us unless

you're c-section then you spend the rest of your life trying to go back in one were you born

vaginally there dwight or were you a c-section baby uh no i went through the birthing canal

and i was like when you came out you said we yeah i said we it was probably miscastruta's

crying but i was really just saying we ah okay i'm starting to get later are you doing the same

thing what i'm doing for the meetup for chicago what it's hobo con man i'm not cutting my hair

and i'm not shaving it and i'm just gonna show up okay starting now six months yeah yeah for

next six months i've already started since uh march since the last meetup i have not uh shaved

or cut my hair so i'm gonna look like a real hobo hobo machine yeah yeah i might even show up with

uh what is that the little hobo sack on the stick oh yeah you're gonna put yourself in a hobo stick

yeah i'm like oh i gotta pay for this beer hang on then i have to untie it take it off the stick

find a wallet pay with pennies try to trade trade in you know but here i got some copper

barter with everyone in the bar i've got some copper here here's some pennies i flattened

down the train tracks yeah nice all right uh what's up to the youtube chat a lot of people

and not a lot of people there's a good number of people in there thank you let me check out

the super chats and see if there's anyone i owe a shout out for which i believe i do

amber corwin donated thank you that's a girl's name um big face face 864 from the a team said

glad to see you back all right thank you and that's all for super chats thank you for your

support youtube i appreciate it uh now who can i call you know i uh we might have howard's number

again really from honolulu howard yeah crazy crazy howard hello caller you're on the air

Hey, Carlito, it's Brendan.

Big Brendan, what's up?

Brendan, yeah, I'm actually on the road right now heading into Chicago.

Nerd.

We've been talking about the Chicago meetup, so.

Nerd.

I know.

Nerd.

I'm heading in for a date, actually.

All right, big date.

With pretty girl, pretty boy, pretty girl, something?

Well, a boy, but yeah.

All right, yeah, man.

Yeah, I'm of the homo persuasion.

Oh, that's okay. That's okay. We like that. We like you guys. You guys are hot.

I know.

Okay, because this is tonight right here, huh?

It's hot.

It's Brendan tonight.

Yeah, but you can't wait for that. Are you on prep?

No, I'm not. It's expensive, one, and two, I don't screw around much, so I see no reason to do it.

Okay, all right. You just do oral? You can't really get it that easy from the world?

Well, I actually haven't, like, I haven't started, like, dating, really, since college, like, the last six months, so.

Now, how do you know you were gay?

No, no, no, I knew I was gay when I was, like, real, real little.

Yeah, but.

And, but, I didn't start mess, like, actually doing shit until I was in my 20s.

Oh, really?

Like, early 20s.

Okay.

All right, were you, were you a Catholic seminary?

No, no, I didn't have to deal with that.

Okay, good, good.

Glad, glad you didn't do that.

All right, cool.

Cool. You usually send me funny numbers in Chicago and whatnot.

Yeah, I know. I'm usually drunk when I'm sending you numbers because it's Friday night.

But you can't drink now. You're driving, you know?

Well, I actually just had one beer just to calm my nerves a little bit, but I'm good.

Okay. Well, good luck on your date tonight, your gay date.

Oh, yeah.

All right. Be careful.

I will do that.

Hey, listen, don't drink. If he orders you a drink, you know, be careful that he doesn't put something in it.

When you go to the bathroom

Yeah

If you go to the bathroom

You come back

Don't drink the drink

Get a new one

He could be trying

To take advantage of it

Alright okay

Alright bye buddy

Well

No

I'll see you in September

By the way

I'll see you in September

In Chicago

Yeah

Alright you got it buddy

Yeah

Alright

Alright we'll give each other

Massages

Alright I'll give you a massage

Yeah

Alright bye

Big Brendan

You know what we could do

With Big Brendan

What

what is uh you know we can dress him up like a girl we can and then we can introduce him to the

dead let's call his family and out on his family we can trick the dead and having some gay sex

it's mrs morgan today i'll even just start yelling at her fuck you fuck you fucking

there's a howard's number in the chat possibly possibly let's call our friend

howard so no show tonight dwight really really i'm doing a show i'm up you said you weren't

birthday last week i said i was thinking about it i wish you weren't a liar well you're a trick

happy birthday dwight by the way hello

eight five five one five nine five nine is not available

no i'm saying uh that my microphone gain is too high i guess distorted i get you're probably

getting the echo back too a little bit all right good so ignore what i said earlier dwight is doing

doing a show and he's not my birthday is not till tomorrow i'm just saying it's the weekend of my

birthday okay so so what what are you trying to say everyone like the last hour of the show it'll

be my birthday and everyone gets a good donation to dwight after midnight for 420 each 420 oh my

god how old you gonna be there big boy how big a boy are you uh 36 you're younger than me yeah

yeah the fuck out like a boy than you too i'm working on it man i'm losing weight i'm down

Down five pounds.

I'm doing good.

I got to.

I got to live.

Doctor said I'm going to die if I don't.

You should have told him he's going to die if he says it again.

It's a she, first of all.

Oh, even better.

How rude of you.

Start to get back in the kitchen.

Whatever.

She was doing this really weird thing.

She was talking to me and she kept rubbing her thighs.

I'm not joking.

Shit.

While she was talking to me, she would rub her thigh.

I'm like, why is she doing that?

She turned.

I'm like, is she doing that?

Oh, my God.

Yeah, because I'm such a catch.

I'm so hot.

Yeah, you are.

You sleep on your stomach.

I know.

i'm gonna take a picture a compromising picture of your next meetup so we're gonna have an uh

we're gonna have an airbnb a drug airbnb next time doesn't say a nice airbnb the one that we

got uh reserved for this go around looks nice they have a pool no but it's got the man cave

and shit in the in the basement can we get like a hot tub or something you know i wish i looked

at a few that had pools and there was like poolers like basically saying you can't swim in the pool

like it's just there for to be seen oh come on that's just for liability purposes people go in

the pool don't worry you just can't get like matt will go in there and pee probably matt going there

in his diaper pull them into the pool and leave them in there we can get girls in the pool and

then we can play a game with them you know you hold their head down on the water see for how

long you can hold their head down yeah you make them give you oral and they're like no not for

oral just to hold their head down on the water so they can't breathe see how long they can last

that's not dangerous at all women totally appreciate getting their heads held down guys

i want to see it next meetup we should just go to a random hotel with a pool and just say we're

guests and just go get in the pool yeah what do you do about it kick us out just jump in they

try to kick me i'll take a shit right there in the water like that this is me oh yeah i love that

smell you're partial to that smell i want to bottle it just so i can have it when you're gone

i know the apartments i used to live in they'd always catch people in there who weren't supposed

supposed to be in the pool they used to get real mad they'd kick you out because if you had guests

over you had to make sure they're gonna use the pool that you told the front desk hey these people

are with me because they go out they're like you know you're not a resident here anything planned

for a night special or just gonna shoot the shit and wing it uh not a whole lot hang on a second

i gotta take a pump you gotta pump off it's gonna pump off everyone i hope you guys really are

We are enjoying the show.

I'm trying.

Continuar.

The Great Wolf.

No.

Those pickles make up the bands.

My name is Willow.

It's a busy period, and hold times are longer than usual.

Oh, man.

She's got a heavy flow.

I can help with reservations, upcoming stays, and any questions.

I understand complete sentences.

How can I help you today?

You stupid fucking bitch.

Front desk.

If you continue to use that language, I'll have to end this call.

I forgot that from the bot before.

Holy shit.

Front desk.

Let me get you to the lodge.

Please hold while I transfer your call.

I've never gotten that response back from a bot.

Oh, shit.

Thank you for calling Great Wolf Lodge, Cincinnati, Mason.

If you know your party's extension, you may dial it at any time.

To be connected with a guest suite, please dial the suite number.

Yeah.

For reservation, press 1.

That entry was not valid.

Oh, man.

What's your name, Stuffy?

Stephanie.

Is that because you're stuff, like you're kind of fat, chunky, puffy?

Hi, Puffy.

Excuse me?

Are you Puffy? Is that your name?

My name is Stephanie.

Okay, that's a fat girl's name.

Can we get some answers?

I'm sorry, sir.

I'm sorry, sir, but that is really rude to say, and I'm not saying it for that.

I'm just making an observation.

Hey, look, the facts are the facts, okay?

Give me one second.

Okay.

She's totally getting somebody else on the line now.

She's not dealing with this.

This is a fat girl, isn't it?

Big David with a super chat.

Are you still doing stand-up?

You're a silly boy.

Well, thank you.

I'm a silly boy.

Thanks, David.

Yes, I am still doing stand-up.

Slowly but surely.

It's not that easy.

Just Christ.

Axpa says, Miriam says she's moist again and needs my help.

All right, Axpa.

Jack Heliquin says, yeah, Madhouse.

Yeah, scary clown Jack hella Quinn checking in satanic clown and is last name

Donated also no message given. What's magic quest? I'll play that

Stephanie didn't oh my gosh. This guy call me fat

We're on hold with the hotel

Stephanie, who's

a big girl

April Plumbing says

Stuffy is guaranteed a big girl

I agree

Big Stuffy

Big Belly Stuffy

Where'd she go?

Did she go to the crack closet?

the correct closet i think so oh she goes to the wrong closet

how can i help you yeah i was just bigging talk bigging talking to big belly stephy um i would

greatly appreciate it if you didn't refer to my guest that way or to my agent your guest

my agent that way my name is faith i'm the front desk supervisor your name is what

faith faith yes like faith in the lord my name is faith oh take the eye out it's fat right

right no it's faith like faith in the lord is there anything that i can do to help you today

sir no because i need to talk to big belly stephy okay please don't refer to her that way

if there's nothing that i can do to help you i'm gonna have to disconnect this call i need um

let's see i need ashtrays in my room you need an ashtray what's your room number 227 you're in

2027 and you need an ashtray can you verify the last name on the room please i'm sorry

Full.

Full?

Full.

F-U-L-L?

Puppy people.

And what's your room number?

Okay, is there anything else I can get for you?

Yeah, ashtrays. We're smoking it here.

Correct. You said you need an ashtray to 2027. I'll have one right up for you.

All right, let's go. Let's go. Let's go, big girl.

Big fat face.

My whole big belly stuff is going to come on over here.

Big belly stuffy.

You can hear Stephanie bitching in the background.

Thank you.

Suck you, machine.

Now I know how the room's going.

Great Wolf Lodge is interested in your feedback on how we can provide the best service to you.

Okay, I understand.

Thank you for calling Great Wolf Lodge.

This call may be recorded for quality assurance.

Transfer me to a room, big bitch.

Transfer me to a fucking room.

wolf.com i can help with reservations upcoming stays and any questions i understand complete

sentences how can i help you today you fucking bitch transfer me to a room one moment please

i can help you make a reservation first i'll get a few details about your stay transfer me to a

room motherfucker front desk transfer you to one of our pack members who want you with the rest

desk let's get started do you want to stay at great wolf lodge mason no which great wolf lodge

Oh, shut up.

I want to talk to that room, 2027.

Thank you for calling Great Wolf Lodge.

To continue in English, press 1.

Great Wolf Lodge is interested in your feedback on how we can provide the best service to you.

Are you willing to get a call back within a few minutes after your call to answer 4?

Okay, I understand.

Thank you for calling Great Wolf Lodge.

This call may be recorded for quality assurance.

My name is Willow.

It's a busy period, and hold times are longer than usual.

You can find our rates at greatwolf.com.

I am with reservations, upcoming stays, and any questions.

I understand complete sentences.

How can I help you today?

Let me get you to the lodge.

Please hold while I transfer your call.

Thank you for calling Great Wolf Lodge, Cincinnati, Mason.

If you know your party's extension, you may dial it at any time.

to be connected with a guest suite please dial the suite number for reservation that entry was

not valid that entry was not valid come on i'm doing it that entry was not valid we're sorry

you're having trouble please hold suck the big belly again welcome to the great wolf lodge from

mason ohio this is andrew how may i help you is big belly there my apologies is big belly stephy

there yes yeah with the big belly yeah she's there yeah put her on okay hang on real quick

are you okay if i put you on hold for now yeah bye feminine man bye effeminate andre

interested in making a reservation yeah fucking andrea they're picking up

find the best available way sir you're being rude and disrespectful and if i'm going to find out

what your room number is i'm gonna ask the security to take y'all property big belly

holy shit dude do you think that the guy that you talked to actually went over to her and

called her big belly stephy hey big belly stephy someone wants to talk to you yeah i guess oh my

god oh boy all right that's enough for the great wolf that's a fun place i gotta make a note of

that place uh back to the gray wolves okay mouse cooperate thank you good and disrespectful yeah

that's the whole point of this show that's what we do

for reservations of nine rooms or less please visit juryhotels.com or press one for group

reservations of 10 or more rooms press two for hotel assistance or to speak to a guest

Please press zero, and a desk service agent will be with you in just a moment.

Please hold.

Our way of saying thank you for your visit.

Sign up for the new...

Thank you for calling the Jury in Seas Grove City.

This is Chloe. How can I help you?

Hey, Big Chloe. How you doing?

Good. How are you?

Big Belly Chloe. Am I right?

Yep.

All right. Yeah.

Can we get some ashtrays up here to room 227, please?

No, we don't have ashtrays.

Why not?

Where are we supposed to ash our joints, our blunts at?

Outside.

No, we don't want to get in trouble for smoking weed outside in public.

We want to do it in private.

You're going to get in trouble for smoking weed in here, too.

No, it says no smoking tobacco.

It says no tobacco smoking or use.

It doesn't say anything else.

So, can you do us a solid and bring us some ashtrays?

No, we don't have any ashtrays.

Okay.

Hey, you're pretty nice.

Thank you.

All right.

What do you smell like?

Don't worry about it.

Okay.

Okay, do you have a pool here?

Yep.

Can we use it? Is it open?

Yep, it's open till 10.

Alright, Homer.

Alright, so I need to pee. That's good.

That means things are moving.

Fucking...

You there, lady?

Okay, the pool's open so we can pee.

Stop it! Stop!

Alright, look, I gotta go. I gotta go beat my dog, lady, alright?

Homer, stop pulling cables.

How many times do I gotta fucking tell you?

He already has a limp for being an asshole.

I don't know how he got that limp.

Anyway...

Get on your dog and show him who's dominant.

it anyway look i'm at the three hour mark i think i'm done i'm gonna put a fork in my ass thank you

dwight for joining i appreciate it no problem i'll be around for tonight it'll be fun all right

yeah a lot of marijuana calls tonight a lot of marijuana calls oh you're so cruel bye so creative

all right in three hours everyone come back here to prank call nation on mixlr and you will hear

You're Dwight McClanahan.

In the meantime, I'm going to go.

I'm going to eat some tacos.

I got some Taco Bell because it's April 20th.

Yeah.

Thanks, everyone who called in tonight, today.

Thanks, everyone who called in and joined the show and said hello.

Thanks for everyone joining in the chat rooms and YouTube.

Everyone who sent numbers, including Mr. Parkman for sending in numbers.

Thank you.

And everyone I prank called.

Thank you, most of all.

thank you for those who bothered to pick up

and bothered to play with us

it was really nice of them to do that

if you ask me

alright I'm fixing this set it off

I'll be back next Friday

the 26th

for another show see you later

Jack Halquin said I gotta put the dog

in a closet and slap the door

why would I do that to Homer

I'm not talking to you Echo you whore

alright see you guys next week bye

Calls (36, 1 h 32 min of 2 h 11 min)

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