Shit Machine
18 May 2019 · 1 h 16 min · 7,728 words · source
Calls (17, 32 min of 1 h 16 min)
- Vietnamese restaurant about spicy soup live 4.7 min clip ↓
- Zooziana automated menu ivr 42 s clip ↓
- Life Storage customer care toilet question ivr 1.6 min clip ↓
- Public skating schedule menu ivr 1.0 min clip ↓
- VR nudist group books event live 6.3 min clip ↓
- Sky Zone trampoline park menu ivr 2.3 min clip ↓
- Seafood shop asked to fuck a fish live 1.3 min clip ↓
- Apology for stealing grapes live 34 s clip ↓
- Apartment rental inquiry live 1.7 min clip ↓
- Labrador Retriever found call live 54 s clip ↓
- Chafla Golden Henderson mistaken for casino ivr 2.7 min clip ↓
- Indian restaurant ordered food live 58 s clip ↓
- Bayou Bell Truck Stop gas pump prank live 2.8 min clip ↓
- Sea Falcon caller on air live 36 s clip ↓
- Rooster for sale asked about mating live 1.6 min clip ↓
- Rams and bulls for sale live 1.2 min clip ↓
- Coca-Cola sign for sale live 1.9 min clip ↓
Transcript
asshole excuse me yeah we have a accessibility for wheelchairs but it's his real his last name's
really heel cock and our nudist group i'm in the streets listening to madhouse live i hope my
speech can compete with that bad mouth style that we get from carlito that's my big amigo so just
kick back to listen to this cat call people when this show goes live i'll be like damn this shit's
bitching stop whatever i'm doing to tune in and listen you can catch me in the back of his home
My horse machine ranch road
I'm busting mad fat flows
For assholes and banchos
Must be crazy
Shout out to Big Amy
That's nice honey baby
We kissing pussy
So ladies such a labor
Yeah it's crazy
Have the stuff
That my bruh might say to ya
Face it cuz
It's the number one prank cast
Stay back
If you can't handle
All the straight laughs
Then we hand to your dome
And if you want
Call the number
You can listen to this show
On the go
Big up to the man
In the madhouse
He show love
Stick your motherfucking hands up
Some come close
but they can't get it right let the king do his thing it's time for madhouse live
speak up to the man in the madhouse show love just take your motherfucking hands up
so come close but they can't get it right let the king do his thing it's time for madhouse live
oh yeah hey um i'm in the bathroom with the hookah right now okay will you guys come here
i'm putting you charcoal briquettes in it okay i'm in the bathroom already okay okay all right
is it okay if i do the hookah in here in the bathroom yeah uh no not in the bathroom oh
oh boy i messed it up oh hey i'm abacua i'm sorry i am abacua i am abacua okay and i'm coming there
for cocktail i want cocktail but i don't want a woman bartender give me one second please i'm
I'm Abacua.
I'm Abacua.
Hello.
Yeah, hi.
I am Abacua.
Okay.
And I want a bartender who's not a woman.
A dirty woman.
A dirty Cuban woman.
Oh, man.
Oh, Waikato, how may I help you?
Yeah, listen, I'm waiting.
I'm here.
You are here for what?
I'm here.
I'm waiting for my food.
Motherfucker.
Come on.
Hey.
Come on.
I'm waiting.
I'm here.
I want my food.
What order?
I have it all.
Let's go.
Bruh.
Bruh.
you have full full you have bumbleway yeah we have bumbleway okay and does the vietnamese man
pull out his pecker and piss in it second please okay can i help you are you the vietnamese man
uh do you mean as if i speak vietnamese yeah come on dd mao hurry up hello hello
who is this this is the vietnamese man okay listen the bumbleway is too hot it's too hot for me
too hot for you yeah what can i do you mean it's too spicy or do you mean it's too temperature
it's too fucking hot it just is too intense it makes me cough it's so like the flavor you know
all right so what you want me to do how can i bring the heat down on it there's no way for
you to bring the heat down on it i mean it's just your tolerance for the the flavor can i add like
something acidic like can i piss in it or something i mean you could take away things
If you think it's hot, I can ask them to put less chili sauce or less chili.
Well, it's too late now, motherfucker.
Who the fuck you mad at, bro?
Man, you're fucking stupid.
What do you mean by that?
How am I going to go back in time?
I cooked for you.
Do you have a Vietnamese time machine, stupid?
Did I cook for you?
Well, someone there fucking did.
Man, you go talk to them then.
You're fucking stupid.
Bitch, shut the fuck up.
I'm asking how to make it not as spicy now.
Fucking guy, fucking idiot.
Who are you?
I'm going to order some food tonight for dinner, motherfuckers.
Yeah, my wife's out of town all weekend.
I just been getting...
I can help you.
Yeah, listen.
I've been getting pussy all weekend, motherfucker.
Are you the man that insulted me?
No, sir.
Isn't there a food that I can do that'll bring down the heat on the shit?
The only way you can bring down the heat is by cooling it off.
So you can just let it wait a little bit.
No, the temperature.
Not the temperature, man.
You're confusing me.
Listen, I'm going to shave your head if you don't stop it.
Pay attention, okay?
I'm going to come down there and shave your head with a pair of clippers.
I'm going to humiliate you.
All right, now look.
What I want to do is bring down the taste, the hot taste from the chili that's in the bumbuhue.
Can I add, am I able to add like lemon to it or something?
Will that bring down the heat?
I'm afraid not, sir.
The only way that would happen is if we were to remove the chili peppers from it
or decrease the amount of chili peppers.
Well, that's stupid because how am I going to do that now?
Well, I don't know how to help you, sir.
You're making me angry.
That's just how our produce come.
Have you ever shaved your head?
No, sir, but I cannot like to.
Well, I'll come there and shave your head because I'm upset, okay?
You're going to look like one of those Buddhist monks.
It'll be cool.
You can pour yourself gasoline on top of yourself in a parking lot and light yourself on fire.
Good luck with that, sir.
You can protest, though.
You can wear a toga and you can be like, self-immolate.
That's what it's called.
That's what you people do.
Sir, isn't that considered racism?
No, that's what you people do.
That's...
You don't know your own history.
You're a house gook.
You're a house gook.
Don't, don't, don't.
It's okay.
Look, sir, I'm sorry that the food didn't come out as expected,
but we can't really help with that.
That's how our produce came.
But it's too spicy.
How long after I eat this until I have to take a shit in the toilet?
That's just how our food comes.
I'm sorry, sir.
Well, how long will it take for me to have to take a shit in the toilet after I eat this?
That depends on your digestive system, sir.
If you're not used to the spice, then I'm sorry, but you shouldn't order it.
Well, I didn't say spice or nothing.
I just said bun bo huay.
That's it.
Yeah, but bun bo huay naturally comes with a chili oil type of...
So it's supposed to be spicy for a reason.
It's too much.
Oh, that's just Vietnamese traditional food.
Well, can I bring it in? You can add something to it, like cornstarch, something that'll bring the fire down?
I don't think so, sir, because if we were adding something, I think it would just make it more bland rather than actually...
All right, stupid.
I'm sorry, sir.
All right, stupid ignorant. So, I mean, you're okay with me coming down there and shaving your head then? What was your name?
Actually, this is a different person. My name is Kenneth, sir.
Kenneth? What's the frequency, Kenneth?
As in...
The frequency on the soup.
uh naturally normally it's supposed to be spicy especially the boom away yeah but tell me what
the frequency is frequency yes as in you have to do utter reiterate that sir reiterate it uh
the frequency you know the level well normally it's supposed to be pretty spicy so i don't know
how kenneth what's the frequency tell me okay shout out to dan rather if you understood that
reference good on you and that was actually i'm trying to see if i can play the song wasn't that
Who did that song?
You don't understand what's the frequency, Kenneth?
Do you mean I've been hot?
Yeah, it's supposed to be hot like that, sir.
But this is ridiculous.
It's fucking red, you know?
Well, that's the point of the...
This is too much.
This is a dangerous level of spiciness.
Sir, that's not a dangerous level of spicy.
This is going to hurt when I shit out in the toilet.
That's why I'm asking you how long it's going to take to let the shit in the toilet.
Oh, it's working now.
Oh, that burns.
Burns, make it stop.
I can't help you with that, sir.
All right, I'm going to come shave your head.
Go fucking yourself, all right?
All right, yes, sir.
Bye, fucker.
You ignorant?
All right.
Have a good day, sir.
Bye.
Hi, I'm Carlito.
I'm Mr. Carlito.
I'm the host of Madhouse Radio, which is on right now.
Oh, yeah, I'm totally getting some Uber Eats full for dinner tonight.
I hope there's a full place open after I finish the show at 10.
that will deliver i'm probably not get it now take a break when they get here i guess see i
didn't want to do a show now it's ruining my full time no i wanted to do a show fuck you michael
stipe fuck you rem you fucking aids patient looking motherfucker oh i guess i'll do that
i'll put a grubhub order in and when they get here i'll take a break now i gotta take time out
of the show in order to do that so if you want to call and join the show you may the number is
405-396-6884
405-396-6884
405-396-6884
That should be working right now
If you'd like to join me
I'm a show machine
Come on, call in, why don't ya
Uh, uh, uh, yeah
It doesn't look like there's a Vietnamese place on here
They come and go, the restaurants
They'll be up there sometimes, sometimes they're not
Damn it, all there is is banh chow phu
I don't want that
I want fucking pho, seafood burrito
Pacos, no
Five Guys, no Chinese
Chinese, from the ghetto, the ghetto Chinese place.
Hey, faux mean, yeah, uh.
They got Vietnamese egg rolls, nah.
Faux beef noodle soup, that's what I want, right guys?
Yeah, faux Thai bo vien, rare eye round steak beef meatball noodle soup.
I want the tendons and all that shit.
Just a minute, I'll get back to prank call, trying to get dinner sorted here.
I should have done this before, I know.
Gotta make sure I got the right address here, not work.
I ain't going to work today.
come on i was already signed it i'll have to edit all this out of the show and finally get around
to editing it ah verification code damn it killing me uber that's okay there's the code
uh sorry youtube i didn't have you on for the beginning prank calls you didn't miss much
you heard the end of the vietnamese call that was okay goddamn fucking fees ten dollars six
$6 delivery fee, service fee of $1.65, and then tax is $0.66.
Jesus.
Yeah, and tip your people that deliver your Uber Eats, Grubhub, whatever you use.
They need tips, man.
Just getting the soup tonight.
No appetizers.
Every little bit helps, right, guys?
Okay, so that was that.
Should be here around 9.
That'll be a nice time to get my lamp break on.
Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
Okay.
Zuziana.
These are Parkman numbers.
I don't know if a zoo in Louisiana is going to pick up right now, but I'll give it a shot.
Don't forget, Dwight McClanahan will be taking over after me for his weekly show,
starting at about 90 minutes here at 10 p.m., only on Prank Call Nation.
I'll be with you until then.
Hello, and thank you for calling Zooziana, the zoo of Acadiana.
If you know your party's extension, please enter it now.
The zoo is open, weather permitting, seven days a week.
Our hours of operation are 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.
Yeah, they're closed.
Our admission prices are as follows.
For children ages 3-4-
They're closed.
Ugh.
From the chat room, what am I smoking on?
Actually, I took a couple dab rips, really big fucking dab rips of Durban Poison.
Uh, some Durban Poison shatter that I got here.
Yep.
Alright, Lafayette Music Company.
last he had music our store is currently closed our regular business hours are monday through
friday hi hello what's beef tripe okay hi what's tripe asshole i'm gonna hang up now for what for
what oh man i didn't have my camera on youtube my bad man i'm fucking youtube up tonight that
was the vietnamese restaurant again excuse me i almost lost it there shit that sounded
he just sounds so dismissive asshole asshole asshole where did you give up so i seek the old
Earth. Hello, and thank you for calling
Life Storage. Please listen closely as
our menu options are changed.
Si desea hablar con un representante de habla hispana,
por favor, presione 8.
If you would like to speak with someone about getting
new storage, please press 1.
If you are a current customer
and would like to... Hello, and thank you for calling
Life Storage. To ensure the highest
quality of service, this call may be
monitored and or recorded.
Ooh, a mouth line caller. Hi,
we're doing a call.
Can we help you? Hi, yeah,
this is life storage units hi i'm actually in customer care for life storage um are you trying
to get a storage space here with us well i'm trying to figure out like how how do i hook up
a toilet in here all right you got your radio on in the background caller okay you're not even
listening to me over here but you're not listening to me why well i was but i don't know how it worked
you listen on the phone it's like a phone call okay you know how the phone goes you got to turn
Turn those speakers down because you've got echo.
You're, like, really close to getting hung up on.
Come on.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Yeah, I don't know how to do it, man.
I'll just listen in.
All right.
Why?
Why do people have problems with that?
Why?
It's to turn your speakers down and listen on the phone machine because it's a phone call.
Hello?
Let's go.
Let's go.
Thank you to Trump Tard for donating $1 through Super Chat on YouTube.
Thank you, Trump Tard.
You didn't leave a message, so I don't have a shout-out to get out for you.
public skating session time are you individually press one for public skating schedule press two
for birthday party press three to leave a message for frank or danica
danica's a fat girl's name
hello this is one nation's public skating and play schedule all prices include one activity
task and skate rental if needed unless noted add an activity for three dollars on tuesday
Tuesday and Thursday, $4 on other sessions.
Blah, blah, blah.
Tuesday is Super Saturday or Tuesday.
Your call is now being transferred.
Yes, hello, I'm trying to book an event.
I have some questions first.
We're a VR nudist group.
We use VR headsets.
You know what that is?
Yes.
Okay, and we want to do a meetup.
We all know each other through a VR headset chat,
and we all hang out naked with the VR headsets on.
So we wanted to come there and kind of hang out.
Well, I mean, is there...
Do you think we can make that happen after hours or something?
Hello?
Hello.
Hi, we're a VR nudist group.
Uh-huh.
And we wanted to come and have a meet-up there, like an event.
Okay.
Okay, do you have Wi-Fi?
For when?
Do you have Wi-Fi?
We do.
Okay, yeah, good.
Is it good Wi-Fi?
Because we're going to be using our virtual reality headsets while we're nude.
Okay, and where would y'all be posting that?
posting it we have like would y'all be posting videos or anything we have a facebook group
no we want to be posting it okay the only the only thing is if y'all would post y'all i mean
we're more than welcome we will totally do it but uh the only thing is y'all can't video and post
to a public site because we are a family environment so for kids so dicks dicks we can
have our dicks out but we just can't take video of it okay that's good to know yeah because if
If y'all only do a private event, though, y'all can't just come in while we're open.
Okay, right, after hours.
So what do you have, a ball pit?
Either after hours or during the week.
What do you have, a ball pit there?
No, we don't.
We don't.
What do you have, then?
Skating?
Well, for adults, it's just skating.
You don't have an arcade?
We do.
We do have an arcade.
Oh, cool.
Do you have Mortal Kombat?
No, but we have a Jurassic Park game.
Okay.
All right.
Okay, so if you are really serious, for private parties, it's $500.
You need it for up to 50 people, I believe.
Does that include food?
And then if you go over 50, then it's $10 per each person after that.
All right, we have a guy named Matt Hillcock who is in a wheelchair.
Is it accessible?
Yeah, we have accessibility for wheelchairs,
But his last name is really Hillcock and our nudist group.
Yeah, yeah, that's his name.
That is awesome.
All right.
Yep.
So when are y'all looking to...
So he can go skating?
Like, what day?
The skating?
Well, yeah, he can go.
I mean, since y'all are doing a private event, the way no children are here at the moment,
like, during y'all's event, we have to schedule it for a certain time.
So we can put his wheelchair on the ice?
It's not ice, then.
No, it's not ice.
It's roller skating, roller skating.
Oh, so he can roll all he wants.
He'll be out there like a mouth-breathing moron that he is, yeah.
Good.
We wanted to have a catch-up fight.
No, we can't do that.
On the skating rink, a catch-up fight, no?
We'll clean it up after.
No, it would be too messy.
We have a janitor named Dwight.
He'll clean it up.
He'll mop it all up after.
Well, that's up to our general manager, but I'm pretty sure she's going to say no.
Oh, it's a she, probably not.
Yeah.
Yeah, stupid women, right?
I mean, I'm a she, but I mean.
Yeah, that fucking period, right?
You know what I'm saying?
Oh, it sucks.
Yeah.
I guess ketchup reminds us of that.
Yeah, I know.
It sucks.
Don't you hate that period?
Oh, I do.
I just got off mine.
Oh, shit.
How long you got to go then?
Like three weeks or something?
No.
Short.
It was a good one.
Oh, you're pretty regular?
You're pretty regular?
Yeah, I'm pretty regular.
I just had a baby six months ago.
Oh, nice.
shit out of baby yeah all right yeah cool literally okay all right do you know how to
wipe front to back you don't do front to back right you go back to front you have to do front
to back front to back oh okay if you do back to front you can get an infection oh we don't we
don't want that yeah we don't want that i stand to wipe is that weird well a little but i mean
hey whatever floats your boat yeah i just always stand to wipe all right so uh are you serious
about wanting to do a party yeah okay so what date october something it's sometime in october
i gotta sometime yeah i gotta i gotta ask jayad i gotta ask jayad okay in october all
right and
um let's see what's the phone number and what's your name we're just gonna pull matt we're gonna
gonna push matt around in those wheelchair we're gonna push him really fast straight into the wall
you know that's not nice you think he'll go flying over like it's it's like a wall that
comes up to like what like waist level it's a half wall like he would literally fly over it
we're gonna do that okay anyway i need your name and your phone number so my
do you have beer do you have beer we don't you can for an extra hundred dollars you can bring
Bring your own alcohol.
Okay, yeah, we'll definitely do that, yeah.
And we're going to bring in a grill.
I mean, we have food here.
Yeah, we're going to make hot dogs and omelets.
We have hot dogs.
We sell them.
Do you have omelets?
For a dollar each.
Oh, that's a good deal.
Are they kosher?
Are they Hebrew National?
What are they?
I don't even know.
They're from Sam's.
Oh, shit.
Okay.
All right, well, sounds good.
I'll call back when I get that date.
Okay.
All right.
right and we're gonna have our ketchup fight all right nice okay thank you smell you later all
right bye-bye that's matt hitting the wall the half wall at the skinny rink if he did he's
probably going yeah he's having a good laugh
Thank you for calling Sky Zone in Lafayette.
For parties we've been, please press 1.
For general questions, please press 2.
That.
Beating our ass.
About to hang up.
I don't even remember where I'm calling right now.
Oh, trampoline park.
Busy with all the fucking kids at the trampoline park going,
I want to take Matt to the trampoline park while in his wheelchair.
I want to bounce him up and down in the wheelchair.
Beer going everywhere.
Beer and stickers all over the place.
Beer and cactus stickers
I'm just messing with Matt
I don't hate him
He's my buddy
Fuck your mom
Fuck
Hi thanks for calling Don
How can I help you?
Hi
Hi
This is Don Seafood right?
Okay
Um do you have whole fish?
Let me give you off to the cashier for a second
I have a pervert thing
A what?
I have a pervert thing with the whole fish
Okay
okay i have a i don't know i have a pervert thing i do i stick you know my thing in the fish okay
um i'm gonna give you the cat the cashier because i don't know okay we have that all right i want
to fuck a fish yeah this is lindsay how can i help you hey lindser hello how you doing good
how are you good you have the whole fish um we have catfish redfish and trout and salmon
But, like, the whole fish.
They're all filleted.
I don't want them cut up.
I want the whole fish with the eyes and the head and everything.
Oh, no, we don't serve that.
I'm sorry.
Oh, you know how a play set does?
Because I want to fuck it like a dolphin does.
I don't want to hear this song.
how can i help you hey big susan hey hey i want to just call to apologize for what i did in there
what happened well i ate the grapes without paying for them when i first got there you know
oh did something bad happen to you no well i went to the bathroom and i left the sink running
i didn't turn it off when i was done using i just left it's still running probably right now
okay which background the bathroom the men's bathroom what do you think i have a penis and
two testicles okay i'll check it thank you but you can't go there you're a woman no
Trying to get numbers
I think I got them
Dangerous curves, I must avoid being sucked in.
Nusting, I put her at the function.
Slid out the side, saw the rider jump in.
Later on the box, unlatched the black box.
Got a rock, it collapsed from the back side.
Forget me now, forget me now.
Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.
Just don't do, no.
Four, two, one.
They don't, they don't shout.
It is an obstacle.
Have you tried getting in the hotel?
No, but I know two other girls that did.
and they made it all the way up to the 12th floor
and then one of the police men got him
and put him all the way down again.
I mean, there's no way you can possibly...
Will you keep trying while they're in town
to get in to see them?
Yes, we will.
Are you a Beatle maniac?
Well, you can trust us.
We're not going to fight you or grab you or something.
But who would believe us?
Hello?
Motherfuckers!
Fucking answering machine.
Someone here looking for an apartment to rent.
All right, must include utilities and the rent.
That's a recipe for disaster for a landlord.
Could you give us a sample?
I can't help myself.
I love...
Do you have a favorite?
Yes, John.
Why?
I just love him.
Honestly, what style?
Never.
They'll never go out of style.
Tell me the truth now.
Which group do you like better than the Beatles?
The Beatles all the time.
I love them.
Before you put on this record, understand...
The fuck is it with Arrested Development keeps coming on?
You hear fucking Arrested Development?
I see eight, man.
I see eight, man.
My numzock stopped working.
That sucked.
Finally working.
Please leave your message for...
All that work for that?
God damn it.
All right, Labrador Retriever found.
Hello.
Hi.
Hi.
You found a Labrador Retriever?
but it says there's an ad here that you found a labrador retriever what do you mean no
why are you trying to keep my dog motherfucker you motherfucker uh sounds sneaky
ever since they raised the price on the coke searching for a quick antidote
more money more problems to cope we were at the same table when the chips were checked
a gambling rebel who respects the deck just when you thought we would fold our hand
guess our odds we raised the bet like we changed the plans it was live on air but in between
Between station breaks, I was holding a pair and just made the table stakes.
Split the demo, put insurance on tapes.
A safeguard against the crusaders and capes.
If I double down, they say the guards are sharks.
If you went against the house, they thought the cards was marked.
We draw hit after hit from a royal flush menu.
While the dealer promoted the club.
All right, my food is on the way, machine.
The club with the whole wear diamonds.
The high roller, who got it?
Oh, he's in the neighborhood.
Let me cancel this call.
This is Jerry McCready, man.
Doesn't matter.
No one picked up, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, all right, let's get out of here.
Let's take a break, because my food is going to be here.
Yeah, let me get to the break music machine.
When I come back, there'll be more attempts at calls,
and then Dwight will be taking and starting up in an hour.
I got nothing else for you.
So break time it is.
I'll be back shortly.
Thank you.
Hang in there, everybody.
You die, open up tractor at the bottom.
Check the channel.
And you go stop.
House Radio is back.
Yes, yes, we'd like to thank you.
The 77th quarter.
I have returned.
Sorry for blowing out your ear, machines, everybody.
Let's see what Frank calls that can muster up here before Big Dwight McClanahan.
I have returned.
Sorry for blowing out your ear, machines, everybody.
Let's see what Frank calls.
I can muster up here before big Dwight McClanahan.
I have a lot of money.
Let's see what Frank calls.
I can muster up here before big Dwight McClanahan.
Okay.
I had Mixler open in a browser window.
Whoopsie.
Anyway, back to the show.
Big Dwight McClanahan taking over the top of the hour in about 48 minutes.
Kapala, reach out to let us know when he's going to start.
Atchafalaya. What the fuck is an
Atchafalaya?
Thank you for calling Atchafalaya
Gold Casino. If you know your party's extension,
you may dial it at any time. For our casino,
press 2. Convenience store,
press 3. For a member of management,
press 4. The dog's hitting the doorbells.
His little bell's asking to get
taken out. I can't. I'm doing a show now.
1-2 is not a valid extension.
Please try again.
Thank you for calling Atchafalaya
Gold Casino. If you know your party's
extension, you may dial it at any time.
For our casino, press 2.
Chafla Gold.
Yeah, listen, I have a complaint.
I was there.
I was playing poker.
You know the poker where the casino, where the dealer does the three cards and all that?
Wait, the poker machine?
No, no.
He was giving me my cards.
Oh, a table?
Yeah, but he accidentally dropped the card, and then he put it back in.
He must have the wrong place, because we don't even have tables here.
or we just have machines.
You just have machines?
Yeah.
What place are you trying to call?
The Dirty Indian Casino?
Oh, no.
This is a Chafla Golden Henderson.
We just have machines.
You guys don't have Dirty Indians there?
Uh-uh.
We don't have any table games.
You don't have any Dirty Indian people there?
Shit.
Uh-uh.
Oh, so that's a pretty stupid casino.
Yeah.
But when are you going to get card game?
We don't have it.
We don't have it.
When you get it?
when you get it fucking homer you wait i can't right now you can hold it or go pee in the corner
i'll clean it later you have my permission you won't get in trouble he's been really bad when
i went out there for the break to get my food that was being delivered he had both of my shoes
all in the living room he's been chewing on food he knocked down a container of garlic butter that
had real pieces of garlic in it like cloves of garlic at the bottom and he ate the whole thing
Dogs aren't supposed to eat garlic.
He's going to get a bunch of farts tonight.
Hello, Mr. Spice, how can I help you?
Is this Indian?
I'm sorry?
Is this Indian?
What do you mean, is this Indian?
Is this Indian? Are you the Indian?
The Indian?
Yes.
Indian food you're looking for?
Yeah, the Indian people. Dirty Indian.
Oh, yes, I think you have the right number. How can I help you?
Okay, namaskar. How are you, sir?
I'm good. How can I help you?
Good. I wanted to make an order for a butter chicken, chicken tikka masala, and banchot.
Okay.
And do you perhaps have a lovely sister that I can see?
Maybe.
Maybe? That's all I get? A maybe?
Hello. Thanks for calling the kitchen. How can I help you?
Hello. Namaskar.
Yes. Namaskar.
Namaskar. Mama G.
I don't know who's Mama G. Sorry. Wrong number, I think.
Is there no Mama G there?
Fuck.
Hey, guy.
Oh, God. This is a terrible show.
Alright, here's a truck stop. Let's call them with my horn and be stupid.
And try to be funny.
Poor Homer's got to pee.
I'm the only one here tonight.
I got to take him out. He's going to have to hold it.
Thank you for calling Bayou Bell Truck Stop. This is Jocelyn. How can I help you?
Yeah, I'm here.
Who am I talking to?
My name is Cross. I'm a truck guy.
I'm here. Come on. Come over here.
Okay, what pump you on?
for you let's get this shit going i'm on pump one yeah nobody's at pump one i'm right here
is there a man i could talk to maybe you're stupid my name is cross i'm at pump one
you're on pump one there's my horn are you sure you called the right place yeah this is the truck
stop by your bell yeah get out here why do i need to go out there i need to see you pumping gas i
I don't know how to make the machine go.
I'm from New Jersey.
I don't know how it goes.
Usually, you just honk your horn at the guy, and he comes and starts pumping it for you.
No, not at my gas station.
I don't hear you honking your horn.
There's nobody on pump one.
Well, I must be fucking Invisible Man, then.
All right.
I'm right here.
I'm looking right at you.
In the black car?
Yeah.
Okay, well, that's one.
Well, come out here.
For what?
For kissing.
Uh-uh.
Yeah.
All right, I'm done.
Do you know what labia is?
All right.
i'm hanging up labia yeah labia yeah okay yeah hey can i get some shit to drink shut up homer
shut the fuck up idiot maybe if you didn't need all the garlic butter you wouldn't have to take
a shit stupid right guys hello caller you're on the air don't be a stupid hey hey sea falcon here
hey sea falcon how you doing hey sea falcon pretty well good it's good to hear from you man
Yeah, dude.
They're my favorite YouTuber, by the way.
Oh, am I a YouTuber?
I guess I am.
I do YouTube stuff.
I'll need to update it more often.
Anyway.
Yeah?
I had a great idea for you to call a place for you to call sometime.
Okay.
It's a place in Indiana.
It's a private-owned pharmacy.
It's called Butt Drugs because their last name's Butt.
Why would they name it that, though?
Yeah, I know it's your last name, but come on.
Do something else.
Yeah.
I don't know.
It's got to be my last name.
Yeah, you could call them.
They're not open right now, but you could call them and tell them that you need drugs for your ass.
That's exactly what I want to do.
So you'll be sending this to me someday soon somewhere?
Yeah, I can send it to you over Facebook.
Facebook works.
That's cool.
Yeah.
All right.
What are you doing?
I'm trying to call a lumber place.
They ain't going to pick up.
I guess it's too late.
oh someone's got a rooster for sale here we go yeah rooster that'd be perfect
oh i hung up on the guy sea milk whatever your name is sea falcon call back i fucked up i think
he said sea falcon which is silly because there's no falcons on the sea hello hello you have a
rooster for sale uh yeah my daughter does yeah okay does the rooster do any mating right now
yeah i've got a lot of hens i got like 20 hens in a pen and they're really horny you know
and they're giving me a hard time like you hear the one i got over here right now she really needs
to get a good dick in so i was thinking if i got a rooster could fuck him really good you know
how big are his sexual organs hello okay call back sea biscuit sea falcon sea falcon
His name's probably Chris or something.
Sea falcon.
I love falcons.
They're the most dangerous animal.
A falcon can beat a bear in a fight.
That's what that kid says.
Eye for sale.
Rope for sale.
...to an automatic voice message system.
Three, three, seven, two, seven...
Oh, man.
I wanted the rope.
Hello, caller.
You're on the air.
I didn't get to it in time.
Shit.
Sorry, caller.
My bad.
All right.
No rope.
Here we go.
Rams and bulls for sale.
Here we go.
that's something i can work with cuts
instead of copy so i get one shot at this don't hanging in there homie i'll get you out
out there don't worry buddy becky i'm not able to answer your call right now
a brief message and i'll get back with you try again next one is a coca-cola sign for sale oh
yeah i gotta get that i need to get a piece of american propaganda we take a sip of my coke zero
good news for me tomorrow surge zero with no sugar or calories is being released in freestyle
freestyle machines in burger king across north america i'm super excited gonna be there at
opening tomorrow get my surge on you know what i mean fucking 90s yo i remember man in high school
1997 my senior year seven surge got released after school one day the coca-cola company came with a
bunch of coolers full of cans of surge and they were giving it out to students uh on the way off
off of campus and everyone including me i went back like three times i would i would get a can
put in my bag and go back and get another can i had like four cans of this stuff that's it's so
sneaky marketing just here give it right to the kids hey it's surge it tasted just like mellow
yellow to me remember like a tartar mellow yellow like they took the mellow yellow and just made it
stronger you know added more didn't water it down as much i thought it was a good drink so i'm
Excited to get the sugar-free version tomorrow.
Matter of fact, I should try to call Burger King to confirm that.
Here's the problem, though, with fucking Burger King, you know?
Usually, lately, I've noticed when you call them, it always goes to a machine.
But I can try.
I'll give it a shot.
Something to do.
We got about less than 30 minutes till Dwight McClanahan starts his show, and then we'll
be off air.
This is what happens every time I call a Burger King.
It goes to a fax every time.
It's been like that for a couple years now.
So I can't call to confirm that, but I'm excited.
The pee-pee dance. I'm gonna have to go. There's no sense in me taking another break and I'm coming back for ten minutes
Nothing's really popping off. Anyway, I think it will wrap it up the poor Homer. He's gonna end up peeing
I don't want to I don't want to clean that up. He's suffering right now. He's whining over there in the living room
All right, homie. I'm coming. Hi McDonald's. Hi. I went to McDonald's. I went to the drive-thru
Okay, the lady gave me my food before I even paid. What did you get? I got a double quarter pound deluxe
Because I don't have an order of mine for that.
Yeah, it was a while ago.
It was earlier today, this afternoon.
Okay.
And I didn't pay.
But you got the food.
Yeah, and I ate it.
It was good.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Did you want to come pay for it?
No.
So then what was the purpose of this call?
Just this call.
Say, ha ha, you're stupid.
I got free food today from you.
Okay, that's fine.
It was really good.
She's like, what's the purpose then?
Liquidation sale.
Oh, yeah.
Sell your liquids, guys.
Yeah.
Hope Dwight has a better show than me.
don't worry guys you guys will be fine when dwight machine goes on the machine i got my
pho over there it was super hot the guy that delivered it his name was bill three five two
and he was like it's really hot i think he burned himself with it but it's like yeah pho needs to be
super fucking hot because it gives you raw meat with it it has to cook in it especially if it's
delivered they make it really super it looks it felt like it when it was in a microwave for 10
fucking minutes and it was so much that the broth was on top of the container with all the the meat
the beef and stuff then he's and that's usually comes raw and cold and it looked like it was
pretty cooked already just from the heat transfer but i threw it in there in the hot fun i covered
it again with the noodles and all the lemongrass and stuff it's marinating right now it's gonna be
so good oh my god and then i'm gonna get to hear the beginning of dwight's show then i'll probably
will he join in hopefully we got a good movie night tonight if it's not a good movie i make
my own movie night i did that last two weeks i didn't like the movie that was going on i just
yeah screw it oh man i watched apocalypse now last night oh it was great i did that instead
of doing a show and i think that was good i watched the the redux version from 1997
that has like the 49 extra minutes of footage man that is a good movie apocalypse now fucking
and it reminded me of top shots part and do because charlie sheen of course is son of martin
sheen who's in apocalypse now he's a lead guy in hot shots part and do which charlie sheen is a
star of there's a part where he's in iraq on a riverboat and he's going up river basically like
martin sheen did in apocalypse now and they pass each other and they both stand up and point each
other and say i loved you in wall street which is really funny it's uh because they were both
Both in Wall Street.
I meant to recommend Hot Shots Part Deux for movie night.
Maybe I can still do that.
I'm going to try as soon as I end the show.
I'm going to get a hold of Big Catastrophe.
So what y'all need to do is go to the Discord.
I'm going to talk like a young Bill Cosby here.
You go to the Discord and you can vote in there.
There was a vote thing going on for a movie to watch live tonight.
Everyone watches together in an app called Rabbit.
rabbit after dwight's show i think around around 12 30 p.m and gets announced what movie it's
going to be and then we join a voice chat and everyone talks over the movie it's fun it's like
mst3k except not as funny all right so have i sold it enough and be sure to head over to
madhouselive.com i'm just shoot for time okay bicycle for sale seven cell phones
phone 6 for sale
let's be stupid and funny
man the last couple shows have been kind of stinkers
I had a really good show
before that
what a piece of shit phone
crossbow for sale
hell yeah
shooting zombies like Daryl
man I stopped watching
I used to love walking dead
now I could care less
it turned into lost
Lost turned into lost.
Everyone on that show disrespected Rick.
I didn't care when Glenn died.
I was happy he died for disrespecting Rick.
Splitting the group up.
You have reached the voice mailbox of 3-3-4.
Empty wine bottle is for sale.
Oh, boy.
So I'm definitely going to the meetup in October in Chicago.
We just picked a new venue for it, an arcade.
We're going to have a room to ourselves.
I believe it's in October, but I am definitely going.
It's going to be great.
see big man hillock and all my friends dwight and all that brag won't be there parkman so start
planning now to go to chicago late september early october leave a message and i'll call you back
i'll get you a date as soon as i can there should be a facebook event for it somewhere but it's
another hobo con we had a lot of fun last time okay now nothing's picking up so i think i'm just
just gonna end the show want to thank you all for listening sorry it was another lackluster effort
but i'll make up for it eventually there'll be a good show hey tomorrow i plan on editing prank
calls and shows for y'all i promise i swear i know i'm like an abuse an emotionally abusive
husband when it comes to that i keep lying and stringing you along you ladies along all right so
So, podcast being updated soon.
Head over to madhouselive.com.
Let me check to see if anyone donated.
I did see some super chats.
Thank you to those who helped me out.
I put that stuff to good use.
You know, I don't waste it on shit.
Using it for transportation to the new meetup.
Catastrophe says, thank you for the shoe.
All right.
Thank you, Catastrophe, for the donation through super chat.
You're an all right person.
Thanks for running the movie night.
i'm gonna send you a recommendation for hot shots part i'll be sending that to you in a moment big
alex with a super chat also thank you trump tard also donated a dollar through super chat all right
and and an additional two donations from trump tard but no messages from those folks so they
don't get a message right out from remember if you ever send me a donation like that on youtube
a super chat during the live show i will give a shout out message whatever message you include
with your donation i will definitely read it out doesn't matter how embarrassing about it
me may be it's all right all right uh no time for voicemail i had a really rude voicemail from
someone saying that i make them sick or some shit like that it was really rude it really hurt my
feelings you know i'm not gonna play here because i make myself look as good as i can all right i'll
play it i just want to let you know that you can suck getting for me to death yeah sometimes it's
It's just hard to get through five to your pit.
You're so white.
Why would you just not listen to the show?
Don't listen.
Don't come around and don't be around if you don't like it that much.
I don't know why you're putting yourself through.
Is that what you guys think of me, really?
Is that what you guys really think of me?
I'm just going to go.
The show's over.
Maybe he's right.
Maybe I'll go forever.
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