You Like to Look at Peckers

Show me how big that penis is.

It's crazy how the stuff that my bruh might say to ya

Face it cause it's the number one prank cast

Stay back if you can't handle all the straight laughs

That we hand to your dome

And if you want, call the number

You can listen to this show on the go

Big up to the man in the madhouse

He showed up, just take your motherfuckin' hands off

Some come close, but they can't get it right

Let the king do his thing, it's time for Madhouse Live

Big up to the man in the madhouse

He showed up, just take your motherfuckin' hands off

Some come close, but they can't get it right

Let the king do his thing, it's time for Madhouse Live

Hello

Hi, how you doing?

Hello

Hi

Hey, you're looking for a home?

Yeah, what now?

What's going on?

Who is this?

My name is Cross, what's going on?

What is that?

What's all that noise?

Hey, you got corn cobs in your ears, son?

What's going on?

No, who is this?

My name is Cross, I have a trailer

You're looking to rent a trailer?

Yeah.

All right, you're looking to rent a trailer.

Okay, that's what I'm calling about.

Why are you acting like that?

This isn't looking good.

I don't want any drunks or drug users here.

It sounds like you have, like, a drug problem or an epilepsy.

I don't have a drug problem.

I was talking to my uncle.

Why are you so confused?

Are you high?

Are you twaking?

No.

Are you high?

Hey, what do you say there, boss?

You got a yard sale going on tomorrow?

A yard sale?

Yeah.

No.

Uh-uh.

oh you got a general electric stove for sale yeah i got a stove all right all right what can you

tell me about that stove well it's um general electric everything works on it um what kind of

wood does that what kind of wood does that take it don't take wood it's electric i said oh i thought

that was just a brand general electric no general electric electric stove yeah oh general electric

electric stove yeah uh-huh nice nice it says almond now i thought maybe it takes almond wood

or something no all right so what can you tell me what were you saying there before i interrupted

you so rudely i just took it out of my house and put stainless steel in so it's not i'm getting rid

of it all right how big a penis does it have dude what the fuck's wrong with you how big is the

the penis on the stove the sexual organ probably about the size of yours that's pretty big that's

pretty big for a stove you know is it a it's a boy stove it's not a girl stove it's a boy stove

it's a boy show me how big that penis is no i'm not into old men well good well you're young one

you like you like to look at peckers no not necessarily but she's bragging about it all right

hey you know what i got a recording that i want to play for you i got a video you want to watch

No, I don't.

Here, I'll play it.

I want you to stop calling.

I want you to quit calling me because this is stupid shit.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I love the stove, yeah.

I want to have sex on the stove.

Why don't you show me the painting?

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

The number you are calling is not available.

Shut up, speak American.

This ain't France.

This is Nikki.

Leave a message.

At the tone, please record your message.

When you've finished recording, you may...

Hello?

Hi, you got a yard sale, is it?

yes all right do you have clothes for fat people i can look in the morning and let you know oh

why what's going on now hello because i'm in bed you're in bed oh wow yeah are you gonna

pork your husband is he gonna do you're gonna do some fornicating is that what's going on

it's a bad time ew oh you have piglets i do all right you got boy and girl piglets

that's nice i do all right uh how long how long does it take until they're mating until they can

mate yeah because i like to i like the sounds they make when they you know oh yeah when they

make those noises you sounded annoyed the fast pickup we asked you to let us know that you're

not a voicemail system so you need to press one to take this call hello hey carlita what's going

on this is lysol lysol what's up big lysol hey what's up man long time no talk how you been

man homie oh i'm good man don't be mad at me i am mad at you man i love the show lysol is always

looking to be on every day lysol is always no man yeah lysol is a homie yeah i listen to your show

every day yeah oh shit yeah every day i work man i'm sorry why are you sorry man because i'm i'm

a disappointment nah man you wrong man i'm hella depressed at work and shit i put the show on i

I started laughing.

Everybody looking at me like I'm a weirdo and shit.

Oh, fuck them, right?

I know.

That's what I'm saying.

Fuck them.

Fuck the boss.

Yeah.

Fuck the manager.

Fuck that nigga.

How you been, man?

Good.

Yeah, I'm just joking because Lysol, I always say that Lysol's going around looking to beat

me up and stuff.

He's like Biff Tannen in Back to the Future.

Always looking to beat up.

Yeah, no, that's my cousin.

That's the other Lysol.

That's my cousin.

That's White Lysol.

He a felon.

White Sol.

Yeah, he a felon.

All right.

He a felon.

i'm gonna fight him one day fuck him but anyway that's besides the point yeah so yeah i don't

know i don't talk to him anymore oh i'm sorry i don't like him i'm sorry man i don't know that i

ain't catch up on all that oh yeah some like some of the newer episodes he was very mean to me very

nasty oh man what a dick i'm sorry to hear that i gotta go through some of that newer shit i've

I've been listening to all that 2013 replay stuff, man.

I love that shit.

Yeah?

It's my favorite.

All right.

Yeah, seriously, I love it.

Thanks, man.

I don't know whatever happened to Death Fox, but...

Death Fox.

Yeah, yeah.

That's all besides the point.

Yeah, fucking Death Fox, man.

He was on them pills, I guess.

He got a little wacky.

Yeah, I guess he was.

Poor Death Fox.

Yeah, no, he was.

Poor fucking guy.

I like this voice, though.

Patton Fox.

You know, this is Patton Fox.

Yeah, no, he had the perfect country voice.

he had like the perfect hillbilly country yeah uh you know alabama georgia georgia shit going on

yeah i liked his pokemon calls that he'd do he'd do like pokemon stuff like he was going to get a

certain he wanted to make a certain card evolve or something dude my favorite one was when you

made the dude break the doll he made a guy like break an antique doll i think i remember that

that yeah yeah uh yeah buddy man he was he was like he just got a little wacky there after a

while yeah yeah poor dumb guy so how you been back in the day i've been good dude i finally

finally finished school finally working and stuff good but uh you know works work you know

work kind of sometimes but it's all good is this dozer or am i wrong yeah okay no yeah all right

good yeah it's been like seven years yeah i i used to like you used to always be like my dude

this my dude i don't know why this makes me laugh you're like my dude hey what's up my dude how's

it going man what's up yeah my dude my dude carlito hermanito hermanito all right i'm gonna

call number about a hard plastic bed cover that fits all right uh for a ford four by four okay

I'm going to say that my buddy Lysol pisses the bed.

Let's do it.

Let's see if I can figure out how to make it.

I'm going to piss all over this fucking stupid Ford car.

If I can make the fucking...

Fix the repair daily shit.

Oh, did I turn off numbs lock?

Stupid fucking numbs lock.

Oh, and dude, you always play the best music on your show, by the way.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah.

I started listening to Special Herbs 3 and 4.

I didn't realize you played so much of that.

Yeah, it's good stuff.

Yeah, MF Doom is good stuff.

So, too bad I'll probably never see him live, you know, because he's stuck in...

Yeah, he didn't even play his own live shows.

He, like, sends people.

Yeah, he was doing some weird shit, though.

He was sending, like, an imposter, Doom imposter guy.

Yup, yup, yeah.

And he would just leave with the money and not perform?

He would, like, hang out in the audience sometimes.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

Is not available.

At the tone, please record your message.

When you've finished recording...

The real Doom would hang out in the audience during the concert?

Yup, yeah.

That's what I heard. That's what I was... I read it online once.

Yo, have you ever, uh, heard of, uh, heard from Zolar in the past, or, like, in the past couple years?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, I've heard from him.

How's he doing?

He's doing good.

Yeah, I missed his show.

Oh, he got into a real bad accident last year when I was in New York.

Oh, shit. I didn't know that.

He got into a... Yeah, he was on his motorcycle.

He's driving... He's always going around New York City in his motorcycle like he's a fucking Batman or something.

Zolar is crazy, man.

As a matter of fact, I was watching one of his old Howard Stern appearances yesterday on YouTube at work.

Hey, you've reached Karen. Leave a message.

Hey, you've reached Karen.

Yeah, I missed the days of Howard Stern when, like, Artie and Zolar and all them people were part of it.

That was, like, fucking bad.

Yeah, Howard's going to be interviewed tonight.

They're playing, uh, Anderson Cooper was playing his interview today.

I missed it.

It's on right now, I think.

You've reached Karen. Leave a message. I'll be back with you.

Thanks, and have a blessed day.

I'm so blessed about it.

People don't pick up, it's not blessed.

If she wants to bless my day, she should pick up the phone.

I'm blessed rolling up an onion.

Hello, how are you doing?

All right, how's it going?

Good, I like to sit reservation.

Okay.

Do you have anything for today?

Yeah, what time do you want to come in?

Seven.

How many people?

Just me and my buddy Lysol.

I got a couple questions, too, about the steaks, if you don't mind.

Sure.

Like, where do they come from?

Are they coming from, like, Walmart or are they coming from, like, a grass-fed farm or some shit like that?

We get them from the gas station.

And also, who you got cooking them?

You got, like, a certified chef back there?

Like, you got a Michelin star chef or what?

No, it's a guy who does oil changes.

And then when do you close tonight?

When do you close again?

One in the morning.

And what kind of drinks you got?

You got a full bar, stock bar?

Mm-hmm.

And you didn't answer my question.

Is he Michelin star or what?

You need to, like, learn how to use the phone.

Yeah, five star.

Five-star?

All right, cool.

Carlito, you got any more questions for this dude?

Yeah, what did you say that you got him from a gas?

Did you get him from a gas station, the steaks?

Mm-hmm.

He gets it from a gas station.

What do you mean?

What a dick.

You're asking legitimate questions.

You want to know grass fed or what?

I was trying to talk over him to see if he'd get mad.

You said the chef is the guy that does oil changes.

Got a company, Steakhouse.

How may I help you?

Yeah, listen, we have legitimate questions about the beef that you're serving there.

i'm sorry can you speak up a little louder it's a little loud over here we have legitimate questions

about the beef you're selling there fucking asshole for the beef yeah we're asking about

the meat and that guy said you get your meat from a gas station asshole i don't believe we get our

meat from the gas station no where do you get your meat from is it from cisco i have no clue

who's that who are you talking to he whispering to some general manager some shit like that probably

Motherfucker you

Uh huh

You guys have a really nice day

It sounds like you need one

No fuck you

Goodbye

It's night time

I'm gonna go up there

And fight that son of a

Damn it

You better not give us

Steak knives

Cut me a steak house

I may help you

Yeah listen

We're wanted men

You better not

Give us steak knives

When we go there

Just letting you know

Say again

We're wanted men

You better not give us

Steak knives

When we go there

You better give us

Like spoons

We're wanted men

Intenses

I had a gym teacher who got arrested for that one, so that was a rumor.

Really?

Yeah, that dude from my high school.

That was a rumor that he got arrested in the 80s, coke possession, and indecent exposure

at a park.

I don't know if it was true.

It's at the same time?

And he was a school teacher?

But this mailbox is full.

Damn.

And indecent exposure at a park.

That was a rumor, yeah.

Decline.

Maybe he was just peeing.

He was big and bald.

Maybe.

Yeah, he was probably peeing with a dime bag.

out of his pocket so i never really made it well that's understandable sorry but this mailbox is

full it's nice to pee outside you know it is you can really empty your blood really yeah it's very

good it feels really good i hate peeing at work people come in i hate when they hear me pee it's

so fucking weird i hate it when people say hello to me when i'm peeing at work don't fucking

now the people that are in the stalls knows they're peeing man i talk about this in my

stand-up thing it's a whole thing about oh word dude i can relate that's funny shit the pressure

is about peeing and stuff i like literally wait till i think the bathroom's empty and then i'll

go because i like i hate going people are in there yeah that way you don't have to wash your hands

either huh no i like my hand the water's really warm my office is cold so i always put water in

my face and my hair and i come out my hair's all spiky up it looks like i've been crying

cried at work once my work don't cry at work man just listen to me no i got over it dude then i

Then I started listening to your show again.

Yeah.

I'm like, dude, seriously, it kind of cured my depression a little bit there.

Yeah, podcasts help me, too.

When I'm getting stressed out, I'll put a podcast on.

Steakhouse again?

No, this is someplace called Toronado.

It's a restaurant.

Yeah.

Whoa.

See, luckily, I...

You've reached the Toronado San Diego.

We are located at 4026 30th Street, one block north of the university.

I'm just, like, a five-minute drive from my house to work, so...

Why don't you call a hotel and book a room for 25 Mexicans, but just one room?

Just one room.

That's how we roll.

Anyway, I live really close to work on, like, a five-minute drive, so I get the luxury of that.

I could take a break, like a 15-minute break, and drive home, and I get five minutes of home.

Dude.

I could take a shit.

That's tight.

Yeah, if I forgot something, or I can have a dab, you know, I can do a dab real quick and go back to work.

Fuck yeah.

It's great.

What are you dabbing on lately?

Some shatter we got here.

uh nice no there's some rosin we got uh oh yeah very nice yeah rosin's the shit dude yeah dude

it's the first time we get rosin we're pretty happy with it it's you got like dispensaries

where you're at or yeah yeah we get this medical yeah we got medical yeah i'm on medical and so

my wife is too so yeah nice yeah me too dude i love having that shit it's so cool like not being

able to have to rely on like a certain person to get like you can just go to the store and get it

you know that's the best part always the worst the fucking weed pot guy bullshit like you meet

me here and you're just sitting there waiting and waiting and waiting because they'll say like two

hours that means like eight trying to plan your day you know they're just out on their own taking

their sweet ass fucking time you said a hotel yeah just look at their house taking a shit

yeah sure yeah yeah hotel or let me call denny's first while i have it here i don't want to lose

For sure. Yeah, yeah. I'm down, man. Happy to be here, dude. I'm so gone.

With the cannibal body.

Hi. Hi, stupid ignorant. I wanted to make an order.

Okay, you want to order for to-go?

Yeah, to-go, to go pick it up.

Okay.

Stupid.

You ready for your order?

Yeah, I want one eggs.

You want eggs?

Yeah, stupid. Hello?

Excuse me?

Ignorant. You're ignorant. I want to order one eggs.

That's it?

Yeah.

Rub and tug.

Hello? What's the matter? Are you Hispanic? You don't understand English too much?

I can speak Spanish.

Okay. You talk to me in Spanish.

One huevo. One huevo.

Okay.

Anything else?

No, nada mas.

Okay, gracias. What is your name?

Estupida.

Tu estupida.

No, you, puta.

You.

No, you.

Hijo de tu pinche reputa madre, maricón, cabrón de mierda.

I don't get it. Last time I checked, I lived in the United States.

You is stupid.

She needs to go to the other side of that wall.

Yeah.

Well, I do too, I guess.

Thank you for calling Dennis.

I've got a humble advice.

How does it go?

Hi, I'd like to make an order to go.

Cool.

Okay.

What would you like?

Cool.

One eggs.

Uh-huh.

One eggs.

What else?

One eggs.

Uh-huh.

And then?

And that.

And then you put it in the container.

Okay.

Right.

Okay.

How long?

Like 10 minutes.

How much is eggs?

I'm not sure.

I have to check in the computer.

what kind of eggs you're gonna give me i don't know how many eggs you want i said one one stupid

yeah okay you're so scared no you are because you're just like all right i guess i can call

milkman again see

if he wants to be back on the show.

But it's just, he's made a bunch of crazy fucking demands about doing the show.

He doesn't want me to talk over him.

I'm like, you're the one that talks over me all the fucking time, man.

Yeah, yeah, you know, yeah, I'm not taking sides here.

But yeah, no, he does talk.

I mean, I listen to the archives a lot lately.

Yeah.

Yeah, he does talk over you a lot.

See?

Well, he makes the show.

It's part of the dynamic, you know?

It's part of, like, you guys, it's your thing, you know what I mean?

That's what you think, you know, in my opinion.

He talks over the calls and shit, and he gets all butthurt and upset if other people are on the show.

I can't function like that, no.

Hello, and thank you for calling Hard Rock Hotel San Diego.

If you know your party's extension, you may dial it at any time during this message

or choose from one of the following options.

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Press 1 to speak with our reservations team.

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Press 2 to speak with our reservations team.

Is that like a room thing?

You press numbers for rooms?

You are being transferred to Reservations.

You said Reservations.

Thank you for calling Hard Rock Hotel San Diego.

An agent will be with you momentarily.

This call may be monitored or recorded for quality entertainment purposes.

Do you want me to talk to her or do you want to talk to her?

No, you can start it off.

I'll start it off.

For new room reservations or to modify or cancel a current room reservation,

please press 1.

All other inquiries, please press 2.

Are any of your old shows still, like, available to download and stuff?

Some of them are on YouTube.

They're kind of crappy, but they're on YouTube.com.

Thank you for calling Hard Rock Hotel San Diego.

An agent will be with you momentarily.

This call may be monitored or recorded for quality and training purposes.

Please listen to the following two options.

For new room reservations or to modify or cancel a current room reservation,

please press 1.

All agents are busy assisting other callers.

Please remain on the line, and your call will be answered in the order it was received.

Good evening, and welcome to Hard Rock Hotel, San Diego.

My name is Corey. This is the Preservations Department.

May I have your name, please?

Hola, Corey. How are you doing?

Asshole.

Living the dream, sir, of itself.

Hello? Hi, how are you doing?

Me and my brother here, we're taking a trip soon to the city,

and we want to look at booking a room.

Okay, I'll be more than happy to assist you with that.

What dates are you trying to stay?

We want to come, we're thinking next weekend, please.

Okay, so what dates exactly are you trying to stay next weekend?

Asshole.

Do you have a calendar in front of you, or can you look it up?

I don't have the calendar in front of me, you know, right now.

Next weekend, Saturday, Sunday, we need the one room.

Okay, so you're looking at Saturday, that's going to be the first,

and what would be your departure date?

Are you looking at how many nights you're trying to stay?

I think the next day, probably.

So just for the one night, all right.

So that would be Sunday the 2nd.

And how many guests will be in the room?

25.

You'd have 25 guests?

Me, my brother, and all of our children and our wives.

Yeah, 25.

Yes, sir.

We don't have, unfortunately, we wouldn't have a room to be able to accommodate 25 people.

Can you maybe put like a bunk bed in there?

No, sir.

Does the room have a sofa?

A double bunk bed, perhaps?

Does the room have sofa?

Um, sorry?

Sofa?

My brother asked if the room had a sofa.

Did you hear him or did it on the phone to your ear?

Fucking asshole.

Sir, you're agitating us.

All right, I'm just going to go ahead and release the call.

You haven't...

I was a young journalist your night, okay?

Good luck trying to find a room.

I never said my name was Jose.

Fucking racist.

I never said my name was Jose.

I hope this call is recorded.

Ryan, terminate the call, please.

All right.

Yeah, you better terminate the fucking call.

Or go there and fight them.

punch you in the nose okay i ruined that you're what you're killing these though so i'm gonna let

you go well all right see you thanks there big guy yeah i'll call next time man keep up the good

work dude you kill it big dozer yeah yeah you as well brother peace out man bye-bye

press one for reservations for guest services or the front desk press two to reserve good evening

thanks for calling the residence and in spring hill suites downtown bayfront this is ashley

Oh, I'm in the bathroom.

...to gather.

And your guests will appreciate all of our convenient amenities

like complimentary Wi-Fi and breakfast buffet.

We'll be happy to provide you with more details when we return to the line.

To the line.

To the Residence Inn and Spring Hill Suites by Marriott San Diego Downtown Bayfront.

Thank you for holding. How may I assist you?

Hey, idiot, I'm in the bathroom.

Okay, how can I help you, sir?

Well, there's something wrong with the toilet.

Okay, so I can send my engineering, but it's still going to be a wait.

Well, this I'm going to take a shit.

Waste of time.

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and more than 400 clubs open up to 24 hours,

we're committed to helping you meet your goals on your time.

If you know your party's extension, you may dial it now.

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Thank you for calling 24-Hour Fitness.

It's a great day to get in shape.

It's 24-Hour Fitness, Imperial Marketplace.

How may I help you?

Hey, this is Bill with the corporate office.

How are you doing tonight?

I'm doing good.

How are you?

Pretty good.

Good, thank you for asking.

We need to do a circuit breaker test.

Okay.

Okay, is this a cordless phone?

Will it get to where the circuit breakers are, the power breakers?

No, and I don't know where they are,

but normally wouldn't it be during like when the facility person's here?

No, this is now.

Oh, well, I don't have access to the circuit breakers.

I give you authorization to go to the circuit breakers and flip all the switches.

Oh, I'm sorry.

what was your name again i'm sorry bill corporate office all right okay uh bill can you hold on a

quick second for me yes ma'am summer in the city we have three dances that we know we will start

off with the technique round that is more technical piece and then we have a hip-hop number

and then another routine that's showing more of our strengths and our angles and then uh

deliberation and then the team will be announced so we just finished our last dance it was so

exciting the adrenaline rush when you go out there is so amazing and dancing with my partner

and it was super fun.

So now we're going to go wait for the total scores,

and then we'll announce the team in the next 15, 20 minutes.

Oh, fuck that.

That's just too annoying of a hold.

She ain't going to fall for it anyway.

Thanks for calling the Marketplace Home Depot.

This call may be recorded.

In a few words, tell me how I can help.

I'm sorry, I couldn't hear anything.

For product availability, tell me the product you're looking for.

Or you can say other things like order status or store hours.

Tools.

I'll connect you with someone who can help.

Hello.

Rome.

Hey, are you tools?

Yes, this is Rome Hardware.

Oh, hey.

You people don't know how to use tools, right?

Hello.

Some of us know how to use tools.

I mean, we work here at Home Depot.

I mean, some people have it.

Oh, yeah.

I saw a documentary that said that monkeys and gorillas know how to use tools.

schools we we we're we have uh our training okay how do you make the screw grow how do you make

the screw go how do you how do you make it go how do you make a screw grow i mean yeah i'm trying

to screw something into a window if you want to you can use a hand you can use a uh a flathead

i'm trying pretty much can you shut up please i'm trying to uh put a screw through a window

i want to put up a like a decoration i want to screw it into a window but i'm afraid that it's

going to crack the glass if i don't do it right you know okay so uh let me ask you this the screw

that you're trying to screw in is it is it uh when you put had the windows put in they came

with a certain type of screw or no i just i went in there i went into the store and you guys

I just have them like you have them out in the containers on the shelf,

and I just grabbed a handful of them and put them in my pocket, and I walked out.

So you say you grabbed a handful and just walked out?

Yeah, I grabbed a handful and put them in my hoodie pocket, the pocket of my hoodie,

and then I walked out, and I brought it home.

So would you like to speak to a manager?

Yeah, because you're really pissing me off, you know?

Like you don't understand what's going on.

Aw.

Thanks for calling the Marketplace Home Depot.

This call may be recorded.

In a few words, tell me how I can help.

Tool.

I'll connect you with someone who can help.

Thanks for calling, Terrell Markin.

I'm Big Boat.

Yeah, hi.

I had called before, and I talked about how I got some screws over there.

Was that you I was talking to?

No.

No, it wasn't.

Okay, I'm trying to put the screws through the window.

On the actual fin?

What do you mean, fin?

What's that?

I don't know these technical terms.

My father raised me like a girl.

I'm a fag.

I don't know.

Okay.

All right.

All right, around the edges of the window.

No, in the middle of the window.

I want to hang an Easter decoration.

In the middle of the window?

Yeah, in the glass.

You can't put a screw through the middle of the glass.

There's got to be a way you can do it.

I just need the right tool.

Well, you can use a glass bit and drill a hole in the window.

Okay.

Do you have those there?

Yeah, we got these there.

Do I need a special screw?

Because I just went in there and I grabbed a handful of screws from the little container on the shelf

and I put them in my pocket.

No, you're probably going to have to get...

I walked out without paying for them, you know?

Did you really?

Yeah.

Okay.

Listen, I got them right here.

See?

Okay, come on in and we'll help you out.

Okay.

But I don't want to get in any trouble for taking these screws, you know?

Well, it is what it is.

You took them.

You should have paid for them.

Well, how do...

Yeah, but you're saying I need a special bit?

You need a special bit for glass.

Where do you keep that at?

In the hardware department.

apartment in the heart is it like in a container like a package like a plastic package it's in a

package yeah is it hard to open is it hard to open the package is like tamper yeah they're

locked resistant they're locked up why would you lock them up okay uh you're gonna come in come in

hey you guys it's locked up but you guys make key copies there right okay what do you need

make a copy can you come in and get shut up you can shut up you can shut up please okay i'm

I'm hanging up now.

Bye-bye.

Make me a copy of the key, and I can get them.

Okay?

Fuck.

Hello, caller.

Thanks for calling.

Hey, you want some towels and water, man?

Yeah, what's up, man?

How you doing?

Man, I'm doing good, man.

Good to hear you again, man.

Man.

Stealing chairs and shit.

Yeah, man.

We got to get that furniture out.

I'll be there in September.

You better be around.

Hey, is this Sizzler?

Yes, it is.

Okay, good.

What kind of steaks do you have there?

We have the sirloin one, and we have ribeye.

The sirloin?

Yeah, and ribeye.

Sirloin.

It's sirloin, you stupid.

Huh?

It's sirloin, you stupid.

Oh, yeah, that.

Oh, that?

Okay.

You're stupid, man.

All right, where do you get your steaks from?

A gas station or something?

Oh, I was a little too much.

Sirloin.

Yeah, man, I'll be there, man.

I'll be there.

I only live, like, fucking hours away from the meetup.

So I'll be at that one for sure.

Good.

First week of September, I believe.

Yep, yep.

Oh, man.

I use your sound effects a bunch.

That's like an awesome, like...

Hey, you've been doing shows, right?

I've seen you pop up a few times.

Like, do you do shows?

Good evening, 99th and Store.

How may I help you?

Hey, do you have a cold section there?

A cold section?

Yeah.

We have a deli section.

Yeah, that's...

What are you looking for?

I like some meat, you know?

Meat?

Yeah.

What kind of meat?

Do you have steak meat?

No, we don't.

Do you have hot dogs?

We do.

Well, you know, if you're pretend, if you don't have enough money, but you can pretend a hot dog is like a steak, you know?

Okay, do you need anything else? Because I'm busy.

Yeah, do you have A1 steak sauce?

No.

No?

No.

Do you have cholula?

No, we don't.

Do you know what cholula is?

Cholula sauce?

Puta.

Yeah, anyway, the question on the floor was, you do shows, right?

Don't you do them?

Oh, yeah, yes, sir.

I've been doing them every Tuesday night, and then now in the last month or whatever,

I'm down, and I put them on a podcast feed now, too.

Very good.

Working people, check that out, motherfucker.

WastedMemory.com, that has the podcast feed, and WastedShow.com brings you to the Mixler.

That's me and Dragomir.

Dragomir has a YouTube.

He does this thing on Friday nights before you go on, on the hijinks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, live pranks in the Hijinx Discord, everyone.

Hijinx.fun slash pranks, I think.

Yep.

No routes found.

Last Tuesday, we were doing the Stink Fist to everybody.

That was pretty fun.

The Stink Fist?

In Miss Marlowe's.

Can I get how much for a Stink Fist?

Nice.

Where they're like, no, you say price.

I don't say price.

You say.

United 24, speaking of, can I help you?

Yeah, United Oil.

Yes.

Okay.

Where does your oil come from?

Sorry?

Where does your oil come from?

We're not allowed to give it over the phone.

Well, how am I going to get oil over the phone?

Yeah, we're not allowed to give any information over the phone.

Are you slant drilling?

Yeah, that's what they told us in the main office.

That you're slant drilling?

Yeah, no information over the phone.

About oil?

Why?

Why is this so secret?

I don't know.

You've got to ask the owner.

Oh, shit.

We just do what the owner says, yeah.

Okay.

All right, the owner says no information over the phone.

on the why answer the fucking phone yeah yeah go to the unitedpacific.com and you can call the

number on there and you can ask them okay i gotta i gotta fart okay okay can i fart there

if you want okay in the because it's a gas station right yes sir you can give me that

information all right uh do you have ice cream do you have ice creams uh we have it's a store

we have store uh items and we also have gas we have cigarettes okay do you have diet coke

and two liter yes sir do you have mentos yes sir okay can i have you put a a couple mentos in a

diet coke two liter please i'm sorry can i have you put a couple mentos inside a diet coke two

liter bottle inside a two liter bottle yes uh no we can't do that we need to do a test for

compliance yeah you have to call the office for the test you're a mother fuck you know that yeah

Hey, this is the supervisor.

I'm breaking in here.

My colleague's being unprofessional here.

We need you to go ahead and do this test right now.

Okay, go ahead and call the main office.

We're just going to take the water bottles ourselves.

Yeah, just call the main office.

It's the United Pacific.

Call your dick and fuck that guy and fuck him.

It's still fun.

Yeah.

Hello?

My name is Gay.

I'm with the corporate office in the Southland corporate office in Texas.

My name is Gay. I'm calling from Southland Corporate Office, 7-Eleven Corporate.

Okay.

Did you receive the information about the recall of Diet Coke?

Diet Coke?

Yeah, we need to do a test for the Diet Coke.

Okay, are you there? Hello?

Okay, I need you to get a two liter of Diet Coke and a Mentos, a mint Mentos.

Thank you.

Two liters of Diet Coke, how many was it?

No, we don't have any more two-liter Diet Coke.

No?

Do you have Mentos?

No.

Pero you don't have any Diet Coke two-liter?

No?

No, we don't have any more Diet Coke, yeah.

Oh.

I have Rio Grande.

Okay, good.

Well, I guess I can't do this with you then because you're stupid, right?

Yeah.

Okay.

All right, stupid.

Motherfucker chingas a tu puta madre, hijo de puta.

Damn it, she would have done it too, man.

Hey, call a hotel.

Hell, this has been fun.

We've been having fun with this.

Do you like it?

Okie dokie.

You'll catch on.

Do you want a cheap hotel or it doesn't matter?

It doesn't matter.

Middle of the road, sure.

Poker game.

Vietnam, man.

Here's to Hilton, San Diego.

All right.

Damn it, that chick would have done it.

She was going to do it if she had Diet Coke.

Welcome and thank you for calling the Hilton San Diego Bayfront.

Do you want reservations or one desk?

For all room reservation inquiries, please press 1.

For sales, please press 2.

If you need a copy of your room receipt from a past day, please press 3.

For all other accounting inquiries, please press 4.

And for all other calls, please press 0 or stay on the line.

Thank you.

All right, I'll try 0.

Yeah, that's good.

My best guess.

Please hold.

I told that lady my name was gay.

She's gay.

Oh.

Hi, is this the front desk?

All right, excellent.

I was having trouble with the phone computer thing.

All right, so, all right, this is a little difficult.

So we're up in the room right now.

We're playing poker right now, and I might have put the TV up for collateral,

and I might have just lost that hand about an hour ago.

Ma'am, can you hear me?

There's some noise in the background there.

So they're really agitated at me because they can't watch the soccer game.

And it's not technically my room, but the guy I got the room with, he's not here anymore.

Like, he left hours ago.

I'm not even really sure what his name was.

They think I got the room, though.

Man, I followed them.

If I get up from the table right now, they're going to steal my chips.

I mean, the other guy, they're all waiting for me right now.

They're all staring me down right now.

they're gonna start yelling at me soon here um is there a way is there like a tv somewhere else

that we could like bring up here i think i'm gonna win it back but they they already unbolted

it and took it like it's gone like no no no you didn't hear me before like they took it already

like they took it i'm not here like i can't get it from the table i'm not even sure what the guy's

name is anymore uh i mean we're just down the hall here like that you should see some of the

the smoke billowing out by now.

They've been smoking cigars in here.

They got the window open somehow.

I don't know how they did that, but they got it open.

I'm

pretty sure this is the one.

I would use the room phone, but no, that's not in good shape either right now.

Carlos, where are we at, man?

We're at the Helton San Diego Bayfront.

Hey, Carlos, my man over here, he's watching my back in the room here.

He knows what's going on.

He's the one that brought me here.

I am way too drunk to be driving anywhere.

He's the one that was driving.

He said, we got to go to this poker game.

No, what I just said, we came in here.

We went up here.

They thought it was my TV.

Carlos is like, yo, I know this guy, Lysol, man.

And he's like, he's gone.

Like, I think he's picking up drugs or something.

I don't even want to know.

know um we call him lysol carlos is it lysol i don't know his street name is lysol but we don't

know what his real name is yeah ma'am i'm no they're they're getting pretty agitated with me

right now can we get a tv up here just just send it down the hallway we'll flag them down like

we'll have the door open we'll prop the door open i think it's i think it's 227 is it 212 maybe

oh yeah i know we're not on the second floor is that how it works yeah we're in the main floor

I'm not sure how, like, it's been a hell of a time.

We're in a room, yes.

Without the TV.

Like, if you can look on the computer, the one that doesn't have the TV, that's the one.

Okay, I'll flush the toilet now, and you can look on the computer and see which one it is, okay?

Oh, God, don't flush that.

Dude, they plugged that shit, man.

Don't do it.

It doesn't tell me.

Oh, man, he just flushed the toilet again.

I told him not to do it.

It's overflowing right now.

Can you check on the computer where the toilet's flushing?

It doesn't show me what room it is when you flush it with.

Which one has the wet floor?

Because there's water everywhere coming out of that bath.

I'll try it again.

Oh, Carlos.

Uh-oh.

Carlos, no, that's the window.

God damn it.

Oh, Carlos, you got to sit on a rampage.

I'm going to go ahead and let you go, okay?

No.

No, you need to stay and help me.

Like, I can't be.

Oh, I think the smoke's off the detector now.

Yeah, can you check to see where the smoke detector's going off?

That's the room.

Call security and have them go up there to take that off, okay?

Does security have a TV?

Like, they need to get some screwdrivers to get this shit hooked back up.

You have a TV in your lobby.

I'll send them up there.

I'll send them up there to get that TV for you.

Where can we send the boys down to get another TV?

They got cold.

I don't know where you are.

I just need it for a little bit.

I mean, like, we'll send them down.

We'll pick it up for a little bit.

I'm going to win the TV back, and we'll bring the other TV back.

It'll be all square.

I'm just down.

I'm just a little down right now.

It always happens every weekend.

He's good for it.

He's a really good poker player.

He'll win it back.

Don't worry.

He'll probably win like four or five TVs.

The room without the TV, we're near the bathroom.

Everything's wet.

Third floor.

You know where the ice machine is on the third floor?

You're on the third floor, so not the second floor?

Yeah, you know where the ice machine is?

You said there's no rooms on the second floor, idiot.

What the fuck kind of building is this?

We took the damn machine.

We put it in the thing, and we hit the button, and we went up.

How did we go down?

Can you bring the ATM machine up here?

We're going to gamble with it.

Okay, I'm going to go ahead and let you guys go.

You guys have a great day.

No, I'm going to let you go.

Fucker.

I like the premise.

Yeah, it's not going to work out as well, but we've got people.

It's always a stupid room number, you know.

Yeah.

Hello, and thank you for calling the Hilton San Diego Mission Valley.

For assistance with reservations, please dial 1-800-

I'm in the bathroom.

If you'd like to get in touch with our sales department, please dial 2.

Good meeting.

Or if you would like to speak to one of our Hilton Mission Valley operators, please dial zero and they will be happy to assist.

You are being transferred to the operator.

Hi, good evening, can you recall the Hilton Mission Valley? I want to put you on a brief hold.

Hurry up.

Shit.

You taking this one?

Yeah.

I'll yell in the back.

Yeah, I might bring you in, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Came for a second, put it back on hold.

Yeah, fuck that. I'm not ready yet.

In hotels lately?

Oh, yeah. Not in hotels.

Oh.

I don't...

Oh.

I'm taking showers in the hotel.

Yeah.

They're not.

They're either busy or just, yeah.

And then I'll clear the line.

I've been on for like 20 minutes.

All right, then.

Well, thanks for calling in, man.

One more, and then I'm out.

All right.

Well, here it is.

Coming.

Caller 13, Bell speaking.

Can I help you?

Yeah, hi.

We got, like, a problem here.

How much is the charge for the TV if it's missing when I check out?

What room are you in?

Well, I mean, I don't want to get in trouble.

We're playing a poker game, and I have a really good hand, but I'm out of cash.

So I want to gamble with the TV in the room, you know?

But in case I lose the hand, they're going to take the TV, you know?

What are you talking about?

Are you checking?

This is Roadway Inn.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, we're staying in the Roadway Inn in the hotel, the motel.

I understand that.

What room are you in?

I'm not sure.

The room isn't in my name.

I'm just a guest here.

We're playing poker and smoking cigars inside the room.

Well, sir, I need to find out what room are you in?

Okay, well, can we forget about that now?

I'm just asking if the TV is missing, what's the charge?

What, are you trying to sell the TV?

Well, I want to put it up for my bet in the poker game.

Well, you can't do that, sir.

If anything's missing there on the thing, you're going to get charged a lot of stuff.

Well, how much is a lot?

How much is a lot, stupid?

stupid well whatever it is i'm not sure sir what room are you in so i want to know i don't want to

tell you because i don't like your attitude oh well you cannot sell any property property stuff

for your poker game that's not your that's not your property it's a hotel property is there

is you're gonna get charged more blah blah blah blah blah is there a man there who understands

no i'm sorry there's no manager in here a man hombre no you come on you never like really had

Do you have a good hand in poker?

No, I don't.

You don't play poker?

No, I don't play poker.

But that's what I'm just saying to you.

You cannot sell anything, even though you have a good hand in your poker,

but that's not your property.

Why are you going to sell it?

Well, it's my property for the night, right?

Well, yeah, for the night.

You pay for the room, not the whole hotel property.

Yeah, I'm going to win.

This is a good hand.

Look at these cards.

Well, I'm sorry.

Sorry.

You can't do that.

But if anything is missing on your room, you're going to get charged.

Do you know what is a royal flush?

That's what I have.

It's a very, very good hand.

Well, I'm sorry.

I can't do that.

Okay, what about...

What room are you in?

What about the toilet?

How much is the toilet?

No.

You know what?

I'm sorry, sir.

I can't help you with that, okay?

All right, can you come over here and give us some beers?

Lost, wasted memory in the process.

Shit.

Hello, thank you for calling.

you're on here oh no you put me on hold oh yeah oh my god when i went to get you back you had hung

up shit yeah and then what was going on my bad weird i'll do another one that one was kind of

funny she's like you cannot do that i don't know if you heard it i heard it yeah yeah i put the

bank for back on yeah you cannot do that it's my property for the night and again with the

fucking room number shit i gotta hate i don't know first floor somewhere i don't know i don't know

This is like a single-floor hotel.

Okay, perfect.

So then, I don't know what you say, 12 or 12?

I'm like halfway down the thing.

Like, I'm in the parking lot halfway down.

That's where we parked.

You know, that's where we parked.

I parked the car there, and then we just walked in.

Like, I didn't look at the thing.

Man, I'm way too good numbers right now.

Oh, my God.

You're way too what?

Way too...

Thank you for calling Jason & Freak by using San Diego SDSU

To make a reservation, press 1.

To modify an existing reservation, press 2.

To speak to the front desk or for any other inquiry, please press 3.

I'm out of rum.

I'm so sad.

Oh, shit.

Throw up and drink your stomach contents.

Thank you for calling Days in the Street.

Hello, ma'am.

Hello.

All right.

You can hear me okay?

My phone's being all weird right now.

I think it's almost dead.

All right.

I'm having some issues here.

All right.

So we're low on the alcohol, we lost the TV, that's gone,

it was a whole poker game incident, and I think our cars are all still here.

Like, we're not even sure anymore.

Like, a lot has happened tonight.

Like, is there any way we can just get, like, another TV in here

so we can watch the rest of the game?

Wait, what room are you in?

No, no, we're just down away.

way they think it's my room it's not really my room but the guy that like got the room like we

haven't seen him in hours like yeah we don't think he's coming back um well all right well it's it's

down it's like halfway down it's a bunch of the like the trucks parked in front of it and like i

didn't look at the number when i came in we're all just tanked and we just came in stumbled into

place and we start playing poker like i can't get up from the table right now i'm not allowed to

like you understand right like it's not like we can't do that i think ma'am hello ma'am i need to

know what room you're in it's like halfway down like you guys got the office down there and it's

like halfway down from that and like you just go in right there like where all the trucks are parked

like we're down there so i mean could we just like like we'll like you'll see us like just go

ahead and send send somebody down with the tv we'll get that installed like they already got

got the tools and everything we just need the tv we'll bolt it to the wall and everything that'll

be okay so we had all the tools oh boy i think you're trying to pick one of the cars now too

you guys broke the tv no no they didn't break it we uh well it was a it was a poker

cross hey hey man what are those guys doing out there we're breaking the car we're breaking the

we're breaking the car mirror the mirrors on the car i think i see the tv out there oh boy

we're running outside i think all right yeah hooray that was awesome pretty good all right

i'm gonna go i'm gonna go listen thanks for having me on all right thanks for joining i'll see you

later there was what i was like just listen to me and drag your beer all right bye yes everyone

tuesdays right yep tuesday nights waste of show.com 7 30 central waste of memory.com podcast

All right, guys.

All right, bye.

See you, bye.

Everyone do that.

Thank you for contacting Play It Again Sports.

Calling some Parkman numbers.

Please press 1.

For location, please press 2.

And to speak to our representative, please press 3.

Nothing has been selected.

Can you give me a chance?

Play It Again Sports, everybody.

This is Jacob.

How can I help you?

Yeah, hi, Jacob.

I started dating an African-American girl, and I was invited to meet her parents.

Do you have any appropriate clothing I can wear there?

um we're not really a clothing store we're a sports store yeah i figured you have like you

know some tennis shoes like cool stuff black people wear like basketball jerseys and stuff

you don't have any of those uh nothing like that unfortunately no all right well right now i'm

trying to i'm trying to put together this um treadmill how much how much water does it take

Treadmill?

Yeah.

Treadmills don't take water.

Well, then how do they run?

An engine.

Electrical.

An electric engine.

Okay, yeah.

Or a motor.

I put a ton of water in there, though.

Is it going to work still?

I don't know.

Have you tried plugging it in and running it?

I'll try it now.

Okay, cool.

Uh-oh.

That doesn't sound good.

It's making a buzzing noise.

It's making all this electrical noises.

What do I do?

I'm sorry, what was that?

It was making a bunch of electrical noise.

um yeah i mean it is going to make noise because the tread's going to be running but um no it's

making buzzing noises from the wall where the water went oh that would probably shut it off

then no i'm gonna run i need to lose this weight i'm on i'm on keto now you understand yeah no i

got you um i'm on a weight loss journey i'm trying to live you understand me right come on

yeah i got you how big a boy are you um over 200 oh you're a big fat guy aren't you

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's where I'm going to have to say goodbye to her.

Do you have gym equipment for fat people?

Hang on, hang on.

Yeah, do whatever your boyfriend tells you to do.

I don't think it's bad to have a boyfriend.

I'm a mechanical man.

Calling 24-Hour Fitness.

With state-of-the-art equipment, certified personal trainers,

and more than 400 clubs open up to 24 hours,

we're committed to helping you meet your goals on your time.

If you know your party's extension, you may dial it now.

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Thank you for calling 24-Hour Fitness.

For our fitness, this is Jesse.

Yeah, hey, are you familiar with BodyFit?

BodyFit? No, I'm not.

It's another gym in town.

Oh, a fit.

Yeah.

Yeah, I just know of them, but I don't know nothing else.

I just had to quit there, okay?

Okay.

Do you have personal trainers there or no?

We do.

Okay, I had an agreement with a personal trainer.

She said that if I lost 100 pounds on my weight loss journey, my goal weight, that she would sleep with me.

Okay.

and she kept um you know i lost the weight and everything did she slept with you well no she

refused to oh boy maybe she wasn't into you well then why did she offer that she offered a goal

system i'm not sure you might want to talk to her that's not fair i guess you need to lose another

10 pounds but i lost 100 well it wasn't enough so now you gotta well i'll train you and we'll

find you a girlfriend so just come on in she used to help you out with that she used to whisper in

my ear like dirty stuff you know okay i can whisper in your ear too

is that what you were whispering your ear no that's what i'm gonna whisper in your ear

oh i might like it are you a top or bottom yeah um i can do them both you're versatile nice

yeah do you guys have in the bathroom i'm a i'm a fool no but we can make one 100 top yeah okay

Well, I'm going to wait for you here because I'm a little busy and someone just got here.

But we'll wait for you here, okay?

Are you going to fuck them?

Yeah, to me.

Are you going to give them your ass pussy?

Maybe.

All right.

But I'll see you here.

Bye.

All right.

Bye.

Caller, you're on the air.

Thanks for joining.

Hi, Carlito.

Hi.

It's me.

It's DTP Dom.

Hey, what's up?

Hey.

Dom, hello, man.

Did you do a show today?

Yes, I did.

I missed it.

I saw the alert, but I didn't get there in time.

Motherfucking shit.

how'd it go it was it was pretty cool um wasted memory joined us and then and then big brad big

big rbcp big baby brad joined huh good i'm glad you had a good show i'm sure of course you had

a good show why would i even ask that uh any type of calls you'd like to do with me tonight or you

down for whatever i'm uh i gotta look see if i got some parkman numbers here let's see so at the

the end of our show we were getting people free happy birthday shit at applebee's do you want to

try that yeah okay applebee's well you just say that you just say that there's a birthday at

such and such table is that what you did so like the way we do it or the way we got it done is we

say hey our dad's in there he's sitting at the bar and then we like if we can we get them to tell us

like oh there's a person here wearing a hat and then we'll say yeah that's him that's him but

But don't go up and tell him because he'll lie.

He'll lie and he won't admit it's his birthday.

And then we'll say, and then pass us the phone after you guys sing.

Leave the phone off the hook so we can hear.

And I got them to do it.

Strange got it.

Brad got it.

We all actually got them to do it today.

It was pretty fun.

All right.

I'm sold on the idea.

Let's do it.

Applebee's.

Thank you for calling Applebee's Balboa, home of the best late night happy hour.

For hours and restaurant address, please press 1.

If you are ready to place a Jaguar order, please press 2.

For all other inquiries, or to speak to a manager or team member, please press 3.

Thank you for calling Applebee's Balboa, home of the best late night happy hour.

For hours and restaurant address, please press 1.

If you are ready to place a Jaguar order, or to speak to a manager or team member, please press 1.

Carlito, I was binging your old shows. You're fucking hilarious, bro.

Thanks.

Man, you're fucking funny.

funny thanks this is ryan how may i help you hi ryan hey ryan uh so so hey i um our our dad's in

there and we were wondering if you could sing him happy birthday what table is he i mean like where

like i don't know what does he look like he should be at the bar he's just like an older looking

gentleman he has like a baseball cap on maybe a flannel he can be with our mom or maybe he's by

himself there he's not at the bar right now there's only one there well is there anybody

Anybody sitting down?

What does he look like?

I'll tell you if it's him.

Yeah.

Glasses.

Yep.

Yeah, he wears glasses.

Yeah?

Yeah.

What is his hair?

What color is his hair?

White.

Okay, yeah.

Not really there.

Yeah, that's him, right?

Not really there.

I didn't want to say that.

You said it, not me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm trying to, but that's the only way you can describe.

Yeah, that's fine, dude.

That's him.

So, can you guys surprise him?

him don't go up and do not go up and be like hey it's your birthday hey you know he'll he'll deny

it he's done that before so like you guys got a really surprising see i can't like this go for

that because i'm like i don't know if it's like this is a prank or not you know i mean

no it's not here talk to my brother it's not a prank here no it's seriously look he it's

memorial day he gets really sad he's a veteran and he went down what's what's how about how

How about let me know what's his name, and if he answers to his name, then I'll go forward with it.

Julio?

No, so he's not here.

Are you just presuming that he looks very white?

It's not.

I can't do this, guys.

Come on.

I'm sorry.

I can't embarrass.

I don't know if they're not here.

I don't even.

Just let it go.

Just let go.

You guys are hilarious.

I'm sorry.

I've got to get back to work, guys.

Just go with the flow, motherfucker.

I wish.

All right.

Have a good one, bro.

I'll break a bottle over your head, motherfucker.

I'll shave your fucking head.

Damn him.

Fuck, he saw right through us.

Fuck.

He could be a prank.

He's a smart guy, though.

He should be a prank caller.

That was smart.

He called it out really quick.

I'm going to call it Chili's.

Okay, yeah.

Real Mexican.

I'll sit back and observe.

Real good Mexican.

Hello, and thank you for calling Chili's.

For to-go orders, press 2.

To speak with a manager or for any other questions, press 3.

This message is...

You've made an invalid selection.

Hello. Thank you for calling Chili's.

For to-go orders, press 2.

To speak with a manager or for any other questions, press 3.

Thank you for calling Chili's.

We're calling Chili's Claremont. The small's going to help you.

Hello. We're calling because our dad is there. He should be at the bar.

Let me put you on hold and go to a quieter phone. I can barely hear you.

Okay.

Thanks.

Hungry now? Ordering online at Chili's.com is fast and easy.

Just let us know when you'll be in, and we'll have your food ready.

I bet you she has a big fucking floppy pussy lip.

Yeah, probably.

Sorry about that.

Okay, you should be.

It's our dad's birthday.

He's a veteran, and he should be at the bar there drinking.

Okay.

Uh, can you guys sing happy birthday to him?

What's his name?

Well, I don't know if I want to tell you.

Well, there's quite a few people sitting at the bar.

Uh, he's got white hair.

I don't have anybody at my bar with white hair.

Oh, no?

No.

Can you check the bathroom?

He might be taking a shit.

Ha ha ha!

Now they're asking for names.

How'd this work so good for you?

Damn it.

They never asked you for names today?

No, they didn't, actually.

That's weird.

Damn them.

Nah, that was a bad idea.

I'm sorry.

Alright, fuck it.

It's okay.

I'll try another one.

I'll try another apple.

Okay.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, that's fucking funny.

Damn it.

Yeah, they didn't ask us.

We were just like, oh, yeah, he's in there.

Don't ask him his name because he'll deny it's him.

And they all fucking went with it.

Oh, and then Brad got the dude on the phone.

He told him, dude, shut up and go with it.

We know it's not your birthday.

Just go with it.

We're going to try and get your meal for free.

And then...

The number you have reached has been disconnected or is...

maybe not that one thank you for calling applebee's and hot trends this is daniella

how can i help you hello dom you disappeared oh i didn't put them on shit that's my bad

sorry dom i fucked that up there you should be connected now dom you hear me yep thank you for

calling applebee's and hot trends how can i help you hello hello hello yeah hey um so my me and my

brother were calling because we're gonna be late my our dad's in there it's his birthday he's gonna

to get really upset so we were wondering if you guys could just surprise him with like the little

birthday song and some cake you guys do that right uh well we do it with a brownie bite but

we'd have to know like who your dad is what who he's with stuff like that his name is derek he's

in there he's an he's an older looking gentleman is there a guy in there he like wears a baseball

cap maybe he has glasses on like reading glasses maybe not an older looking guy probably wearing

i can put you on hold and look just a second okay all right ah the joys of cooking just find a

recipe get the ingredients preheat the oven oh okay this is already too much pull up apple

to go instead choose from the whole menu order and pay online pick it up and now you're home

with dinner yeah i was listening to your old episode where you were like calling people

they lost their wallet good in the neighborhood this is the joys of cooking just find a recipe

Oh, yeah, was it like Craigslist thing that they lost their wallet?

Yeah, okay.

You got two people to talk to each other?

It's so funny, and then you, like, whispered, you're like, I'm going to kick your ass.

And then you got all pissed off at the other guy.

Okay, this is already too much.

Oh, dude, it's fucking funny, I was dying.

Now you're home with dinner.

Ah, the joys of not cooking.

Applebee's to go.

Now that's eating good in the neighborhood.

Ah, the joys of cooking.

Just find a recipe, get the ingredients, preheat the oven.

Okay, this is already too much.

How are you feeling with everything, dude?

Everything going good?

Yeah, everything's getting better, I'll say.

Pick it up, and now you're home with dinner.

Ah, the joys of cooking.

I feel really bad that I'm behind on podcast editing.

Now that's eating good in the neighborhood.

Ah, the joys of cooking.

I keep putting it off.

Nah, dude.

Find a recipe, get the ingredients,

heat the oven.

Don't like even, I guess,

because everybody that's a real fucking fan of yours,

we know what's up.

We know what's going on.

We'll be here to listen.

I don't see any older gentlemen

with a baseball cap or

anything. Well, his name's Derek,

but if you go up and tell him like,

hey, is it your birthday? He'll deny it.

He hates being put on the spot.

That's why I wanted to be surprised.

Is there anybody in there with like a lady?

our mom um not that looks like they're old enough to be like your mom well i'm only 20

yeah the only people in here are like younger people that are in their 20s uh here talk to

talk to my brother cross hey this is cross uh we're trying to find our dad it's his birthday

we wanted to get him happy birthday song to him i just told the other person that i don't see

see anybody in here with that description okay nobody with a baseball cap mustache no well you

gotta do something can you just sing it can you just sing it in general please hey cross i'm in

the bathroom can you hear it yeah can you check the bathroom can you hear me in the bathroom

can you check why don't you guys come in and sing to him because that's not our job what's your name

how about we sing to you how about you do your fucking job you like that talking like that

That doesn't bother me.

But what I'm saying is...

Okay, you dumb bitch.

...you're trying to play games on the phone.

Nobody's playing, you stupid bitch.

If it doesn't bother you, why don't you lick my ass and let me fart in your mouth?

You could do that to your brother.

No, I don't like...

I already did.

You're really pissing me off.

Where's the manager?

I am the manager.

Where's the man manager?

There's none.

This is ran by women.

That's the problem.

No.

Yes, this is a big problem.

No.

Yeah, they...

No problem.

No wonder. Our dad's probably there, and you just don't notice because you're a woman.

Yeah, you've got a female run shop by Applebee's, so you guys get a tax break.

Why would we get a tax break for females running a restaurant?

Because 90% of the restaurant industry is run by women.

Yeah, no wonder food tastes like shit.

Yeah.

Maybe that's because men don't know how to cook it.

No, that's why Applebee's...

Are you one of those waitresses that shows her titties so you get big tips?

Is that you?

Do you sit down at the table when you take the order?

No.

You guys must go to some raunchy restaurant.

No, you probably sit down at the table to act all nice.

Yeah, and Applebee's is like a step up from microwaving your own food anyway.

Yeah, but you don't even know how to microwave your own food, so why are you complaining?

That's my wife's job, not mine.

I'm surprised you have a wife.

Poor girl.

He's married, and you're probably a single mom, huh?

You're probably a single mom.

I got a big dick.

That's why I'm here.

Hey, do you survive off child support?

No, I don't.

How many baby daddies do you have?

Do you supersize?

Like 20.

Do you supersize when you go to the McDonald's?

I have like 20 baby daddies.

I don't get any child support.

How many guys have you slept with your whole life?

Hey, talk to my friend real quick.

Do you supersize when you go to McDonald's?

Who's this?

Hello.

Hey, what's up?

No, who are you?

Hi.

Hey, you sound like a gay guy.

what's up girl are you sexy i am a gay guy hello i'm gonna check you out i'm i'm a gay guy too

i'm a gay guy too what's up i can check you out hey um you want to know my name yeah what's your

name is it called my name is here talk to her uncle talk to her uncle listen you're making me

angry lady oh really yeah you're making up angry by calling oh your feelings hurt you do have to

to do your job oh we're so angry my girlfriend right here hey how's it going hi hi so we need

someone to sing happy birthday to our dad hello hey listen we go to berkeley all right we're on

the rowing team we're important we're i'm from oakland we're the winklevoss twins

a big thanks to trump tart on youtube who's donated a super chat and he says bench hold

calls all right we can do those okay let's get some bench shows i also got parkman numbers again

I'm not good at banjo calls, but I would love to hear you do one.

All right, thanks.

Yeah, I don't know.

I can't piss them off.

I can't.

I don't know.

It's something about maybe just my voice, the way I talk.

They fucking laugh at me.

They don't take you seriously.

Very strong.

Uh-uh.

Strongest side in the solo system.

They know I'm bitch.

They know I'm bitch nigga.

I'm bitch made.

Bitch made, clear ass, hate ass nigga.

They have so much confidence that they fear themselves.

I ain't no crook, son.

I'm a shook one.

Aries is a fire sign.

Whatever happened to Prodigy?

R.I.P.

Prodigy died?

Isn't he?

No, you just said R.I.P.

Good evening, Roger Barr.

Hello.

Yeah, hey, are you a ballerina?

Sorry?

Are you a ballerina?

Do you wear a skirt, a dress?

This is a restaurant, Roger Barr, Indian restaurant.

Yeah, namaskar.

How are you?

Fine, how are you?

Hi, sir.

Hey, Ram Ram, I want to make an order, please.

We are closed now, sir.

You fucking you?

Sorry?

You fucking you?

Why?

Why you fucking you?

I said we are closed.

You fucking...

Mind your language.

No, fuck you, banchot.

No.

Mind your language.

Fuck, shit.

All right.

Okay, no.

No, that one's closed, too.

I always get them, but not when I'm on my show or when I, whatever.

Like, when they call me, you know, they fucking, they try to pull some scam calls.

Yeah, I keep trying to get them to give me a phone number to call back at,

but they always hang right up when I say that

because I figure I'm trying to pull a joke on them.

I get one back, but then after I call once,

it'll fucking tell me it's disconnected.

It'll say, this number is now disconnected.

They're tired of being fucked with.

All right, this is not an Indian restaurant.

This is Flaming Walk and Grill.

All right, maybe they'll be Chinese.

Sometimes the Chinese get angry and nasty.

No love.

Hello, Flaming?

Hello, yes, hi.

I have a dolphin.

Dolphin. I caught a dolphin.

I caught a dolphin. Will you cook him for me?

No.

I can't bring in a dolphin for you to make food out of it?

No.

What about chicken penis?

No, we didn't cook. We didn't take the outside food.

Do you have any cow penis there?

Do you have any cow penis, bull penis?

What are you looking?

The penis on the bull, on the cow, on the man cow.

Boo.

She's trying to hang up.

All right, there.

Clear to final.

What happened?

Not really good music.

Make good singers, musicians.

I like that music.

Can you pick that, or is it automatically loaded?

A big problem.

What's that?

Oh, the whole music?

You can pick it in the program, in the PBX software.

You can upload an MP3, but that's what came with it in stock.

What you're hearing is what comes with the program.

Have you heard of those people?

I can't think of their name, but they just do, like, jazz versions of, like, hip-hop and, like, other songs and stuff.

Here and there, yeah.

There's nursery rhyme versions of them, too.

Thank you for calling the Roy.

There's, like, nursery rhyme, nursery song.

In downtown, that's one.

For Royal India in Miramar, that's two.

Fucking kids, Bob.

Banquet and catering.

All elements of life.

i'd like to make an order monkey yeah okay one butter chicken do you have any kofta

malai kofta sounds good what's in that uh very spicy okay okay all right

shut up chicken rice spicy level also yeah yeah shut up one chicken tikka masala do you have

Do you have anything with Paneer in it, motherfucker?

Sanjay, do you have anything with Paneer in it, motherfucker?

Hey, I got to take a break there, Dom the Bomb.

Thanks for joining me.

Yay, thanks for having me.

Thank you.

I sent you over that jazz version of So Fresh, So Clean.

It's one of my favorites.

If you want to just give that a listen later on.

It's pretty fucking dope.

Okay.

All right, buddy.

Yeah.

See you later.

Bye.

I'm yawning too

I really made a yawn

Alright that's Dom the Bum everyone

The host

One half of the Superphone Brothers

Which does a show here on Prank Call Nation

About once a week

Usually on Fridays

During the afternoon

That was him god damn it

When we come back

We'll have more restaurants and hotels

And more Parkman numbers

Let's see what big fat Parkman sent in

Electric kitchen range for sale

artwork for sale nice there's a rehab center okay we've got a lot to work with i'll be back

thank you we got about another hour left to show tonight and i'm gonna watch some youtube

yeah madhouse live.com is the website don't go anywhere so when you die you open a tractor at

the bottom you check and you go straight down madhouse radio is back you are bigger than a

woman you are better than a woman we will always be behind you do not let a woman ever ever make

you who you are just because it's in print doesn't mean it's the gospel people write negative things

because they feel that's what sells good news to them doesn't sell how is it impacted you

my album is number one all over the world all over the world america's the only one because

let's say return of the black with no fans it's eerie like that documentary on lisa lopez

All right, we're back.

Thank you, everyone, for hanging in there during the break.

We don't have much longer to go.

Let's try to get some good pranks in before the show's over.

I want to thank everyone for tuning in tonight.

I want to thank especially all my Patreon supporters.

you can become a patreon supporter and support the show support the cause machine patreon.com

slash madhouse i believe it is onto the city and also check me out on youtube madhouse radio on

youtube where i you know upload shit and i broadcast the show live it's live right now

you can see video of me and my sexy widow's peak i'm starting to bawl i mean i'm balding guys

it's starting i'm cursed motherfucking you know all right guys let's focus let's let's call on

some parkman numbers with some shit for sale took a klonopin it's got me all

as an experiment tonight i refrained from announcing on social media that i was going

on just to see how many people tune in if i'm not on social media right now

Now, Shellcast coming in with 12, and there are 46 watching on YouTube, watching and listening on YouTube.

Last I checked, I think that's still just about accurate.

And there were 77 during the break on Mixler, Mix-a-lar.

So, not bad. Not bad for not announcing it publicly, I must say.

That shows I got good reach on the YouTube, and I got good reach on the Mixler and stuff.

and people expecting show on friday are hanging out and you guys are doing your job telling people

hey carlito's on the street beat yeah guys i'm looking to share my stand-up routine looking to

get it recorded so y'all can check it out maybe i'll broadcast it live i'm just afraid that if i

broadcast it live people like fuck me up you know send like a horse delivery to the comedy club i

don't want that i don't need that with the uh next patreon donation hit in the beginning of

of the month here in a week i plan on upgrading the webcams here in studio for the youtube feed

that'll be good sorely needed i got some low quality cams right now so i'll be picking up

at least one nicer camera here to replace the overhead one the one that's on right now it's

very poor quality old i think it's from 2004 i bought that webcam at least it works yeah buddy

let's get our prank on here see if big dwight's around let's give him a call but it's not

answering oh well he'll be on tomorrow night the same time i started tonight 10 p.m eastern 7 p.m

pacific the dwight mcclanahan show be sure to check that out i'll probably join i usually join

his show and help out with sound effects sometimes i feel like i do too many of them but everyone

seems to like them fuck you andy what kind of fucking stupid name is that for a person

all right we got someone with some egg cartons free egg cartons yeah

Damn, it's going to be one of those.

Good shit.

Hi, you got something for sale there?

What are you looking for?

You got free egg cartons?

Yes, I do.

Okay, I'm rich.

And will you meet me tonight at 2 a.m. at the gas station?

No.

Okay, how did you come across egg cartons?

Okay.

Hello, Dwight.

Yes, Dwight, how are you?

Hey, stupid.

stupid we're on the air and i'm making phone calls hey there boss you got a motorcycle gear

for sale um i don't know you don't know or you don't know don't comma no are you know are you

in alaska yes okay i took those posters down i think about three or four days ago because i

sold it all right well don't get snippy with me all right i've been another what do people do

with egg cartons do i hear something really weird i come into work and about once a week there's

somebody who who leaves empty egg cartons on the table in a break room i don't know why they do

that they have to be bringing them in empty from home because i seriously i mean no one's cooking

eggs there so like what you just got a slob who's just leaving their shit i don't know like empty

egg cartons why why would anyone do that i cook eggs at work i do that i got a little egg maker

i just put water in it and i'll let it go i'll make it yeah it smells like fart though man no

on cooks uh six at a time steams them oh you know what makes them hard i got a instant pot dude i

love this thing i got the egg tray for it and i and i got you know you can it's a little net like

a thing you put the eggs in and it makes them really good and then they also have like the

we we got a it's a silicon mold and you can crack the egg in there and you can add your little hams

and your little cheese and your chives in there and it makes little egg bites like they sell at

starbucks it's pretty good oh nice nice little breakfast yeah and it's easy it's done like in

three minutes you just gotta crack the eggs in there i'll let it go while i take a shower

but you gotta be careful to clean your clean your ass you got an instant pot there dwight

no my mom bought me one for christmas um but i was like i've already got the air fryer and

she bought the expensive fucking ninja one and i was like no you gotta get the original instant

pot it was a pressure it was a pressure cooker instant pot and uh air fryer all in one oh cool

Cool, that sounds kind of cool.

Yeah, man, you got to use that thing.

Like yesterday, I took a chicken and I added Greek seasoning and some adobo.

And I filled it up to where the chicken was, about halfway up, with chicken broth in a carton.

And I cut up an onion and put it in there.

And in an hour, I had the best roasted chicken.

Oh, man, so good.

I'm telling you, that Instant Pot has changed my life so easy.

you just set and forget it literally just let the commercials say oh it's nice yeah yeah you

gotta use that shit man no get your keto on no i refuse it makes things go i want to make a

cheesecake in it there's a cheesecake recipe and i got the pan for it too cakes with cheese yeah

man you know what cheesecake is don't play shit

well at least they're taking them down usually with dwight you get you get all mad

that they don't take the shit down i like when they're like hey hey way way hey uh okay i like

when they actually like i'll check it after the fact like i got the ad earlier in the day

and then i go check them like oh shit they took it down so i start harassing them like

why don't you take it down it is down sometimes i give them shit for selling it already and i'm

like who'd you sell it to how much for wasting my time hello you got a large dog crate for sale

I do.

Okay, I'm babysitting my sister's kids and I want to put them in there.

Is it easy enough?

Like, I don't want them to be able to get out from the inside.

Yeah, not sure what to tell you there about that.

I want to throw it in the pool so they can use the pool.

But I want them in the crate so they can't get away, you know?

Right.

What do you mean, right?

Right.

What's that about?

Who are you, Dr. Evil?

Go fucking blow your mini-me.

Right.

Care what Dwight thinks of me?

This is Larry McBursey with Woodland Taxidermy.

If you get this message in...

Thank you for calling American Eagle.

Para continuar en español, por favor presione el 1.

Please listen carefully, as our menu options may have changed.

If you would like to place an order, or if you have questions about an existing order, press 1.

Please hold while I transfer you to one of our representatives.

At the end of this call, you will have an opportunity to take a short experience today.

day if you'd like to participate please remain on the line at the end of your call for quality

assurance this call may be recorded or monitored the entire call will be recorded and monitored

thank you for calling the aeo connected credit card center

making a payment is free using your checking account in this automated system

please say or enter your that's not what i was expecting

thing ktva live news yeah listen i'm calling with a news tip okay uh there's this guy named frank

lucas and he's he's getting um heroin from vietnam he's putting it in how do you how do i know yeah

how do you know that frank lucas is getting heroin from vietnam well because uh his his cousins at

work for one of them told him told me so one of frank's cousins told you that he's getting heroin

one from vietnam yeah have you called the police about this well i don't know the police is really

corrupt around here you know well then we can't really do anything right now because you know

it's kind of hearsay and it'd be easier for us to do a story if you look if you guys can just go to

the airport he flies them in in caskets from people from we're not the police i can't i can't

ask him to open his well you have freedom of press you have freedom of pressure show put the cameras

be like you need to open this you know well he's not gonna open it because i don't have a warrant

because i'm not a law enforcement officer yeah but you have freedom of press you're the press

they have to comply okay all right well thanks for the tip well come on where can we meet and

we can meet and i'll go there with you i'll back you up because they have guns and stuff you know

you're gonna need backup that's not really how it works but i do appreciate the tip and thank you

you for calling you come on and you go we gotta do he shot this guy named tango already what he

shot a guy named what he there's this he there's this guy named tango he shot him he shot a guy

named tango yeah in the street so if you know this guy and if he's getting heroin by the suitcase in

the airport and if he's shooting people named tango it's by the casket full not by the suitcase

by the casket all right by the casket full that sounds like even more heroin why don't you call

all the cops they're stuffing in the orifices of dead soldiers does he work on base does he work

in jay bear he has contacts all right this is sounding like a like a 2020 crime special or

something no it's a real story um the best i can do is i can take your tip and i can float it around

there with a certain law enforcement agency see if they've heard anything but i'm not gonna i'm

not gonna send a crew down to the airport to confront this guy well come on you can do like

like an expose like is it true that you you guys do this all the time that's not really how the

news works i don't know if you've been you know watching too many movies that's just not how it

works at least not here i don't know how they do it in other markets but that's not how it works

here well you know can you guys get dan rather to help out he's not here in alaska yeah but he's uh

he travels everywhere i'll uh i'll shoot him an email and ask yeah ask him what the frequency is

and all that you know yeah i will all right thanks for thanks for calling i gotta get back

to work then you pulled on your pants and your panties you know i gotta get back to work thanks

for calling okay bye all right have a good one i'm a fucker calm down nobody owns me though

all right nobody owns me the gangster is not defined the gangster is not defined by how low

your jeans fall by your waist or more how your jeans govern the gangstaman all right the gambra

Helpline. I called this with Dino

a few weeks ago where I said I needed help.

Thank you for calling

the Tennessee Redline, a free

confidential referral helpline for mental

health, addictions, and

recovery services in Tennessee.

Your call is very important to us. You may

call back later or leave a message

and someone will get back to you

as soon as possible. If this is an

emergency, please call your local

crisis services or the following

statewide hotline.

855-274-7471

Please ring up or press number sign.

I sent you some numbers there, Carlito, on the chat.

I'll see that. Thank you.

Only got like 10 minutes left to show.

Ah, fuck them.

Yeah, I'll try to knock them out.

I dialed the statewide line. What the fuck?

Yeah, is this for gambling help?

This is the suicide hotline.

Well, I was calling the gambling helpline and it said to call here.

year okay uh are you looking for counseling services well i need gambling help right now

actually i need uh i need some assistance getting a credit line extension i'm at the casino

and i'm down but i know i can get i can get back in the game you know if i can just uh

get back on the tables i can make this up sorry sir unfortunately the crisis hotline we we don't

uh we don't loan people money we we don't do that but this is gambling help i need help gambling

gambling what are you telling me to do then i need diaper money i'll get them pamphlets

what am i gonna do all right let's get some more numbers here from dwight this time let's mix them

up dwight we're gonna mix up dwight and park band oh shit hair club tv what the hell what the hell

is that i gotta call that hang on that's the park band one give me a second parenting hotline

Mr. Lurie, this call may be recorded.

Yes.

Is this the first time you've contacted us?

Hello?

Yes, hi.

You've reached HairClub, sir.

Is this the first time that you've called us?

Yes.

Thank you.

And who do I have the pleasure of speaking with?

Akulo.

And your last name?

Well, that is my last name, A-C-U-L-O.

How about your first name, sir?

Choche.

C-H-O-C-H-E.

Okay, thank you.

You're calling for yourself or for someone else?

Well, I'm calling for my balls.

I'm sorry, you're calling for your what?

My balls, my sexual organs.

I'm sorry, Mr. Aqualil, but it's a company for hair restoration on the head.

Well, there's hair on my balls, too.

I'm not hearing any positive response. Goodbye.

It's not a positive situation.

Thank you for participating in our survey.

Please use your telephone keypad to enter your answers regarding the service you received today.

Focusing on the agent you spoke with.

No, I don't want to leave a bad review for her. It's going to affect her.

Ooh, brain pill information, yeah.

You need Dwight.

You're stupid.

Thank you for calling the Leading Edge Health Order and Customer Service Center.

To ensure your call is transferred to the person most qualified to assist you,

please select one of the following three options.

If you're calling to place a new order, please press 1.

If your call concerns an existing or previous order, please press 2.

If you're calling to ask for general information about our products and services, please press

Thank you.

Please hold while we connect you to the first available customer support specialist.

Leading Edge Health Customer Service, Anna speaking.

How may I help you?

Your name is Anna?

Yeah, my name is Anna.

Your name is the same backwards and forwards, huh?

Yep.

That's called Automatopoeia.

Yes, it is.

Okay.

okay um i'm calling i need some information about the brain pills um my my friend dwight

he's i want to get him for him because he's stupid okay um would you like to know about

the brain well let's make him not stupid like for example right now he's holding up a a snake uh

snake tank i have a a snake in a glass aquarium and he's holding it and he's like dancing with

He's stupid.

Oh, jeez.

He just dropped it.

Will the pills keep him from doing stupid shit like this?

What these pills do is it boosts the memory.

It cuts through brain fog.

It helps process information and perform better under fatigue.

So the brain pill works more like to give a better cognitive thought.

Brain fog.

So you know when you walk in a room and you forget what you were doing?

That's considered brain fog.

or if you're, like, kind of feeling, like, in a daze as if you're kind of sleepy.

It also helps improve.

Like a brain fart?

Yeah.

Yeah, it cuts through that.

Oh, I got one of those.

Okay, are these nootropics?

Okay, pardon?

Are these nootropics?

No, it's a natural product.

That's what nootropics are.

Does it have choline in it?

Brain fart.

It has cognizant.

That sounds like some snake oil

Tyler I'm not stupid

Oh my brain

I need to know if this is actually a serious call

And if you're really serious about the product

I have a brain fart

I got a brain fart

Yeah this sounds not very

Yeah I think I'm going to have to let you go

It doesn't really seem like you're that

Interested to hear what I have to say about the product

The noise comes out of my ears

Listen

Yeah I'm sorry sir goodbye

Bye.

All right.

Okay.

I don't know what her problem is.

You dropped the snake tank.

I dropped it on purpose because you called me stupid for like a million times.

Thank you for calling the Leading Edge Health Order and Customer Service Center.

To ensure your call is transferred to the person most qualified to assist you,

please select one of the following three options.

That guy sounds like a dude.

I sound like a juicy one.

It fucking hung up on me.

Oh, fucking.

Thank you for calling the Leading Edge Health Order and Customer Service Center.

To ensure your call is transferred to the person most qualified to assist you,

please select one of the following three options.

If you're calling to place a new order, please press 1.

If your call concerns an existing or previous order, please press 2.

If you're calling to ask for general information about our products and services, please press 3.

Keeps hanging up on me, motherfucker.

Alright, Friday, late night recovery, woo!

This will wrap it up for the night.

But don't worry, Dwight will be on tomorrow night.

And then there will be a movie night.

Welcome to free conference.

Please enter your access code or PIN followed by the pound sign.

I requested Hot Shots Part Deux.

She says she did, she better have.

Sorry, the access code or PIN you entered is invalid.

Welcome to free conference.

Well, let me dial a pound sign.

You will now enter the conference.

I don't know who you've heard.

I find that as somebody else shared, there would be absolutely nothing now.

The only thing that matters right now is how they act, and so I have to live that out.

So I just went over a little bit because we're running out of shares.

But anyway.

Thank you for your share.

We're all for Mike's share.

Hi, this is Danny again.

Can I double dip?

Excuse me, double dip really quick.

Yeah, go ahead, Danny.

okay it'll be quick um so i'm kind of rambling i had a lot of thoughts but um the most important

thing that i don't think i mentioned do you know what the commands are hello

thank you shut up go ahead somebody is there somebody on the dashboard

you might have to mute it okay go ahead danny so regarding um you know partners or people that

Um, we've heard...

Just a second, Danny.

I think I'm going to have to try to mute it.

Hold on.

Asshole.

She sounds like she's got an incredible fucking rant.

Yeah, fuck.

Okay, are you there?

I am.

All right, go ahead.

Wait a minute, hold on.

Can you hear me?

Okay, you can hear me.

Go ahead.

Unmuted.

Okay, thank you.

It sounds like we got halved from a late-night toll to our board on a Friday night.

Yeah.

Yeah, but I really wanted to mention, sorry, I can still hear there.

Hold on just a second.

Let me try something else.

Muted.

Are you there?

Can you hear me?

I can hear you.

Okay, go ahead.

Can you mute the whole line?

I'm just going to talk.

Just a second.

Let me get on the internet and see if I can do something.

Let me text her.

Will the heckler please step aside because this is a community that's safe for people.

I gotta take a shit

shut up I gotta take a shit

I'm taking a shit

there's nothing wrong with what the fuck I like

like I encourage that

it's not okay I'm doing that

stop it now

oh in that case I better stop

we better go to church

you better stop it yes thank you

you don't need to go to church

but you need to be a special tree recovery partner

are you guys in the scat

That's not funny at all, to accept a thing.

I'm sorry, Elizabeth, if you can't shut the line off.

But we're here together.

I'm trying to do it.

Hold on, but I don't know what the code is.

Oh, that's the trunk tape.

That's the trunk tape.

I'm trying to find the code here, and I don't see it.

You stupid bitch.

It's a safe place, and it's not funny to hear all this disruption.

And I'm very sorry that you're doing that,

but we're going to keep talking and being here together,

and it's a safe place.

so you don't need to be here until you come back and be safe and respectful it's not okay

and i think what i'll do is just say the serenity prayer while you do that nutty

stuff in the background because it's so unacceptable god grant me the serenity

entry and exit chime are on muted okay unmuted

muted okay you have been muted by the moderator

you have been muted by the moderator only the moderator can unmute your line

uh if you switch numbers i bet they would that wouldn't be an effect all right i'm gonna read

all right i can do that uh please stop please

Uh, uh, me, me, me, me.

Let's change the fucking number.

Love's a train.

Welcome to free conference.

Please enter your access code or PIN followed by the pound sign.

I lost your chat.

Love's a train.

Steaming out in Castrain.

You will now enter the conference.

Muted.

I'm LeBron.

I don't ever omit.

All right, now.

Unmuted.

Okay, can y'all hear me?

All right, can y'all hear me now?

Yeah.

Okay, I'll turn it back on presentation mode.

Muted.

Is this the sex addicts line?

Okay.

Yes.

All right.

We're going back.

Unmuted.

And we're going to go back to my green book.

Play the back nine.

If I can find it.

Hold on.

I'm reading the bullet hole.

Muted.

You have been muted by the moderator.

Only the moderator can unmute your line.

All right.

We've had our fun.

Okay.

I have.

What is a sex addict?

Sex is a natural and enjoyable part of life.

It can be beautiful, happy, and bonding experience.

But how can it be an addiction?

Aren't people who say they're sex addicts just making excuses?

Yeah.

For the lack of self-restraint and control.

Yeah, they're whores like you.

We face these questions all the time.

They come from a worldwide misunderstanding.

All right.

Yeah.

Poor damn people.

Fucking all the time.

Bullseye.

All right, Dwight, thank you.

You have a good show tomorrow.

I'm sure I'll join you if you'll have me.

I fell asleep last week.

I know.

I had to kick you because you were snoring down there.

I kept waking up.

up i keep hearing you saying carl you don't wake up and i heard someone else saying and i would

wake up was i really snoring i'm sorry yeah we were like oh let's start seeing some weird shit

and fuck with his dreams no man really i had a weird dream last night that i was hanging out

with johnny cash oh shit he took you to the burning ring of fire at disney world it was

really weird yeah oh my god yeah i know he was grooming me for sexual things oh my was he a

priest no it's johnny cash dude oh duh all right see you later buddy away away away fuck shit

yeah and that's dwight guys and that's my show it is now 108 am on the east coast

thank you everyone for tuning in catastrophe's got a movie starting up here after the show i

believe it's pet cemetery i believe it's the the new version of pet cemetery go check that out

motherfucker be sure to go to discord to the hijinks discord hijinks.fun slash pranks to get

the details on that it's the link all right everyone be sure to follow me on twitter at

madhouse on twitter i appreciate it patreon.com slash madhouse follow me on facebook i am on

facebook madhouse.live on facebook.com slash madhouse.live or look for carlito pranks on

On Facebook, you'll find me.

All right.

And you can listen to Madhouse Radio 24-7 like several people who called in tonight said they do.

You can go to madhouselive.com.

Madhouse Radio is also on your Alexa devices.

You can say, Alexa, play Madhouse Prank Call Radio to your Alexa-enabled device, your Echo or whatever it is you have, and she'll do it.

You can also call.

We have a number to call, 605-475-0097.

seven i'm on look for me on tune in radio on your tune in radio app if you use that stitcher and all

that stuff wherever major podcasts are served and wherever major internet radio serve you'll be able

to find madhouse radio for direct links to all of that including the phone number you can dial to

listen to the show on your phone and not have to rely on the data connection just go to madhouse

live.com you can subscribe to the podcast there and get all the links you need to enjoy the show

Whenever you want, all the time.

It can be like people called in earlier, like Dozer said he calls in, he listens to the show while he's at work, and it gets him out of the depression funk.

I know how that is.

I get depressed to be at work, too.

I hate work.

Not like I work that hard, anyway.

I'm a big fat fuck, you know?

But I get my work done, man.

I do my shit, you know?

We got no voicemails tonight.

No voicemails left during the last week.

after that really nasty one last week that really bummed me out nasty guy who said something really

mean about me he said i suck and all this stuff whatever all right guys catch you next week

catch you next friday prank night in america friday nights and every friday night at 10 p.m

pacific 10 p.m eastern 7 p.m pacific peace out

Calls (44, 1 h 45 min of 2 h 30 min)

Transcript

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