Honey Labia

taking the world taking the world force 98.6 no ladies and gentlemen this is the main event of the evening

speaking how may i help you hello hi how may i help you hi uh i was wondering about your dress

do i have to wear a do-rag do you have to wear a do-rag yeah no okay this soul food restaurant i

don't know if i'm supposed to wear a do-rag um because no all i have is one of my wife's

nylon stockings i could put over my head oh semi-racism excuse me hi everybody that was

the first prank of the night i'm carlito the host of the show this is madhouse radio you can head

Head over to madhouselive.com for all my linkages, social medias.

I'm on Facebook, of course.

On Twitter, you can follow me, at Madhouse on the Twitter.

I've started even using Instagram.

On Instagram, I'm horsey.cat, I believe.

What am I on Instagram?

Horsey.cat.

And I'm on Snapchat also, stupid.horse, I believe.

But yeah, all that, I'm trying to branch myself out a little bit.

Trying to be young.

I'm going to be 40 years old in three weeks.

I'm going to be fucking 40.

I'm an old fart.

Oh, man.

All right.

I'm also on YouTube, Madhouse Radio on YouTube, where I am broadcasting live now.

There is no music on the YouTube feed.

Hi to everyone on YouTube.

Hello, everyone on YouTube.

Thanks for joining.

Unfortunately, there's no music.

So if you want to hear the music, you've got to head over to madhouselive.com and tune in on the website there.

Use the shoutcast feed.

You can use your tune-in radio app.

I have a phone number there you can dial to listen to the show on the go.

Let me bring the music down.

It's too loud.

There's a number you can call to listen to the show on the go.

So if you have to leave or you have an internet connection for work purposes

or you just need to go out or you don't want to use your streaming data

on your mobile device, you can just call a phone number

and tune into the show 24-7 when I'm live.

You can hear me live.

And other than that, you hear replays of old classic Madhouse Radio shows.

That number is 605-475-0097.

Best thing to do is go to madhouselive.com and there's instructions there for everything.

Thank you.

Thank you to all the Patreon supporters.

Patreon Funding Ground is going to be coming up here tomorrow, I believe.

It's the first of the month.

I want to thank all my Patreon supporters.

I love you guys very much.

Putting it to good use, I'm going to try to get a P.O. box here coming up now.

i'm gonna try to send out some some uh some swag out to patreon people and also we're going to

try to open up a spread shirt or something you know sell some merch problem is i'm not artistic

at all i can't do any graphic design so i have to ask for help from the community from somebody

to create madhouse art logos that i can put on shirts and stickers and magnets and i hate doing

doing that because it's like i'm doing it for money but you know i i can't on my own i'm a

stupid when it comes to like oh draw i can't draw a straight line i can't for the life of me i can't

even using microsoft paint with the tool for the straight line it comes up all squiggly

i'm i'm retarded oh there are sorry for using the r word hey everyone thanks for tuning in um

let's see if we can get the prank on here with a yard sale what's going on this weekend over to

your horse machine ranch horse machine you hear your mailbox prompt in english press one

well this is america oh well someone's got cpap supplies for sale they say calls only no texts

well that's what i want to do is call this isn't a text show this is a phone call show i almost

said it's the phone show but that'd be inaccurate that's brad carter's show hello hi you got cpap

stuff all right are you selling the machine itself yes uh which which one is it is it the phillips

oh you don't have a fat daughter anymore i have a lovely daughter she's not a big fat girl anymore

no she's not a great big fat person no okay she was though no well she had the surgery you're

saying that she had sleep apnea that's my guess that she was a great big fat person well it's

It's none of your business.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

So she was a great big fat person.

Gotcha.

All right.

Okay.

All right.

So do you have the adapter for this?

Well, the adapter is.

You can put it on the water.

You know where the water goes?

There's a water tank there, and you can put your marijuana in there and light it.

Okay.

No, I don't.

And breathe it in.

No?

Well, I have one.

I can put it on there.

You might want to call tomorrow when she's here and she can tell you more about it.

Oh, what's she doing now?

Is she eating?

Oh, she's not eating anymore. She's got the surgery on her stomach. Yes

Alright, well then I will she let me come and see the CPAP machine

Possibly and I'll put it on you know on my face and get in my underwear and lay down

Big fat person she great big fat person

You guys know what movie that's from silence of the lambs. Is she a great big fat?

He used to work for Mrs. Lipman. Did you know her?

No, uh-uh. Oh, wait.

Was she a great big fat person?

Yeah, she was a big girl, sir.

Yeah.

Duh.

Okay. Sorry, back.

I'm focusing back to my swap shop numbers.

Kitchen remodeled and offering old cabinets free of charge.

Gold and oak in color.

All right.

Some free use cabinets.

Cabinet is.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

Four, two, one.

Damnit.

People pick up, please.

You don't understand how important it is that you pick up.

Hello?

Hello!

I see that you have an ad for some old cabinets.

Uh, they've already been taken.

Ah shit, motherfucker.

They were free, right?

Well, at least I got her to pick up.

Major Tinnitus almost got sprayed by a skunk.

We were trying to get me a number to call.

He was taking a picture machine.

all right i'll call the number in the name of the skunk stop it computer machine stop it

motherfucker no is that robert i see you got a door-to-door transportation service

i need a pickup you pick up where you at i'm on the uber you're on uber yeah i'm on the uber app

what's the address you at uh 218 horse machine ranch road what's that all for oh boy uh it's

It's off of Walnut?

Off of Walnut.

I heard of that.

Off of Walnut.

I heard of it.

What's Walnut up for?

What?

Is that on the west side?

Hello?

Yeah.

What did you say?

Who are you talking to?

You.

Why?

You're like...

I think you're talking to your mama.

You called this stupid shit?

put me on the fucking uh transportation list what to whoop your ass when i see you no one

ain't got time for that what do you mean by door-to-door service you're gonna come to my

door and pick me up yeah i'm gonna come to your doors yeah i'm gonna pick you up right now all

right come pick me you have to shut up and you have to pick me up shut up i said shut up please

Shut up please

I said it's

218 Horse Machine

Rand Road

No your ad says no text

Your ad says call me

Motherfucker

Thank you very much

Major Tinnitus

For sending that number

uh you may call in anyone can call in i'm very open i make my ass very available if you want to

call in and argue with me tell me about how much you hate me that i suck how much better the other

guy is whatever maybe you want to say call in i dare you i i command you 405-396-6884 is the

the mouth one 405-396-6884 do not get that confused with the other number i gave out earlier

which is just for listening you can leave a voicemail if i don't pick up sometimes i don't

because i get a lot of calls coming in and i'm doing outgoing calls and i don't want to just

pick up a call in the middle of a prank because i don't know what i'm walking into when i pick up

the phone i'm like a cop pulling you over on the highway i'm like oh shit who the fuck is that you

You know, anyone who is a friend and a fan and a nice.

If you're a nice, you can call in.

Absolutely.

Even if you don't want to be a nice, I'll put you on.

I'll let you steam out.

Let it out so we can all hear what you have to say.

If it's very important, you know.

Okay.

Looking for the right sound effect for my idea, huh?

It was great to hear Matt Hillock and Zax back on the air this week.

I believe that was yesterday.

yesterday party time on prank call nation here on prank call nation uh matt hillock and zax be

sure to support them party time show uh there's links if you go to matt if you go to prank call

nation.com slash party time i believe will work we'll take you to other linkages matt has youtube

hillock 666 on youtube be sure to check that out it was good to see big matt has been a little down

in the dumps lately from what i understand and then earlier today's super phone brothers

entertained me they did a show this afternoon they seem to stick to a friday afternoon show

schedule right right right and then dwight will be on tomorrow night of course as in as every

saturday i'm on tonight friday the beginning of the weekend i used to do thursday but that's been

changed since i started an amateur stand-up comedy career i'm real excited i've been talking to dino

Big Dino from Syndicate Radio, the homie Dino.

And Syndicate Radio is coming back on July 4th.

I'll be simulcasting my show.

We still got to figure out the logistics technically of it, the technicality logistics.

I'll have the Friday night slot.

So that's good.

That's good for us.

Okay.

I'm hoping the incoming calls are working because I just saw that a number just flashed up and it didn't ring.

I can check it.

Let me test it.

I got a new phone.

I got a new cell phone.

I got a galaxy s10 my s8 fucking up a lot man. I skipped the s9

I got a s10 plus I skipped the s9 there wasn't a big difference between the 8 and the 9

I usually get the Samsung the flagship model

I usually pre-order them and I didn't do it for the 9 trying to save a couple hundred bucks there

But the phone started fucking all the way up right when it got paid off

i mean this phone it was fucking up something crazy and i took it to i took it to the cell

phone store to t-mobile i was like hey what's up i gotta change this in and it had it had

dropped i had dropped it and i had um i had screen uh cracking webbing on the upper right

corners it was pretty significant webbing and uh i just acted like you know they gave me 250

150 dollars for the phone trade-in value and they act he didn't notice if he saw it he was just

playing so he could get get the sale through whatever to get his commission so but it wasn't

even charging anymore like i would put it in a charger into it and i would start going bong bong

saying that moisture had been detected and there was no fucking moisture and i had to hard reset

the phone every time i did that in order to get the charge or i could wirelessly charge i've got

got a key charger qi whatever it is wireless charger here it's slow as fuck but the one i'm

using i bought it at a gas station it's connected via usb to a usb hub that might be something to

do with it i should go straight into a power outlet with dedicated ac adapter it but well

i've noticed it gets really hot and shit it's cool the cool thing about the s10 plus has got

got powershare so any other device that you have that does wireless battery charging you can you

can touch it to the back of the phone and my my watch my smartwatch i got a galaxy s3 frontier

or a gear s3 frontier samsung smartwatch and i was at work i'm like shit i forgot to charge it

last night i fell asleep with it on and i was able to take off the watch and put it on the back of

the phone lay it on the back and it charged up to 100 and put it back on it was pretty good

that's i got on this tangent and i was gonna check the number sorry second please i was super

excited about my new phone oh i got a new toy i've got a ring it's not coming up though oh that's a

problem there it is it's coming up all right cool should be working incoming calls should be working

all right enough about that who cares gotta edit this all out of the podcast hey i could do you

guys is solid you guys want to maybe hear i've been editing an episode so i released finally

released an edited podcast update this week i caught us up into the year 2019 a show from

february february 9th i believe i edited the one after that but to be honest it's not that good of

a show it wasn't that funny so i'm holding on to it what i want whenever this happens whenever

Whenever there's like a stink show, a shit show that I'm not happy with, you know, what

I do is I don't release it until I edit the next one that's better and I release them

all at the same time.

That's a trick I do.

And I'm in the middle of that now.

I'm in the middle of trying to finish editing an episode from March.

We're going to be all caught up here pretty soon.

I'm super excited.

I can see there were any good pranks.

Let me see what I got edited so far.

I'll play some of it for you because I know some of you have been like, what the fuck?

i got two calls to walmart here like i got one marked in orange which means it's good

chinese buffet all right let's try chinese buffet this will be hey how you doing i was there with

my wife i'm sorry i was there a little like uh 30 minutes ago with my wife we just left

and she brought a big purse and she put a bunch she put a punch of food in her purse and we walked

We took food away

in her purse.

Hey, China dirty.

Yeah, it's true.

Why Chinese people so dirty, assholes?

My wife.

No, no, you Chinese people are dirty.

Listen, my wife.

No, you dirty.

You asshole, you know?

No, you asshole, motherfucker.

You asshole.

my wife my wife had you no you fuck you first ah all right that this is from march 9th and this

will be updated here and then for the next 24 hours it should be released along with the show

from the week before march 2nd which wasn't that good this one was a little better so there you go

just an update on the podcast it's work in progress i'm really behind but i'm working on

them guys i appreciate your patience this episode is probably that i'm just playing now it's probably

going to be called honey labia just to let you know just based on this parent call here oh yeah

yeah oh so i got the right number hey honey labia how you doing hey you got the wrong number dude

no you got a puppy for a good home oh yeah yeah oh so i got the right number huh yeah i didn't

know what you said what'd you say at first honey labia honey labia honey labia labia l-a-b-i-a

You mean, no, that's not us.

No, that's just a saying, like, you know, hey, sugar biscuits, stuff like that, you know?

Oh, I see.

You talking to my wife that way?

Yeah, sugar biscuits.

Yeah, right.

Don't.

I'm a good old boy from the South.

I talk to women that I don't know and say, hey, honey, hey, baby, like that, you know?

Oh, well, you said that word, and I don't like it.

Hey, honey, baby, thanks for calling.

You're on the air.

Oh, hi.

How's it going, Carlitos Catastrophe?

oh what's up big cat how you doing okay pretty good all right thanks for doing the show thanks

for having me guys it's it's great yeah yeah what's the street beat on movie night this weekend

tomorrow night i have no idea i haven't gotten a lot of suggestions so could you spam me yeah

everyone be sure to go to the discord discord uh what is the hijinks.fun slash pranks is that it

or chat shit i think it's uh discord.gg forward slash prank i think that's one of them yeah but

akspa doesn't like that one he likes a different one oh my hang on this guy's calling what's his

name hey big dwight she can't hear you you can be oh yeah no dwight no he's being nasty all right

yeah guys

two months ago she tried to cut me

oh wow so hey

what one last week was it Hot Shots Part Deux

and that's the one that I wanted

to see and I fell asleep during your show

Dwight and ended up you know what

happened last week during your show

you took a break and I

was kind of I was tired

but I still want to listen

so I kept the Skype

connected and I muted my

microphone I turned the volume on my headphones

phones all the way up and i sat down on my on my couch and i kept listening and i just you know

like you know try to just try to i was like i'm just gonna close my eyes for a little bit

i'll come when when dwight starts his show he comes back from break and i can hear you yelling

for me and i'm just sitting there i was i was like oh you know and then i fucking missed my

movie night i'm sorry about that guys that's yeah i didn't know if we were actually even authorized

authorized to uh watch the movie even though it won because you weren't there yeah i don't think

we're allowed it's all right hey if i fall asleep that's on that's on me you know i know one thing

greenbee was giggling like a fucking reread through the entire movie i think he was high

he liked the movie good i'm glad someone enjoyed it he was going crazy okay well hey i think can

i give you a verbal suggestion big cat submission or does it have to be typed it's a movie called

white dog that i've talked about in the show yeah it's it's like a racist dog okay that kills

kills black people and then and then they train them to stop doing it then he turns and starts

killing white people at the end and they have to kill him it's quite the movie oh that's fun

yeah it's quite it's boss n word yeah he he stalks a black guy into it like he stalks him

and the black guy runs into a church i remember yeah i saw this on satellite tv when i was like

like 13 we had one of those big satellites we're just me and my dad were just looking for something

to watch and we stumbled across this movie black dog yeah that was crazy tell the truth your dad

was cheering the dog on wasn't he no no actually my uncle david was there who's a dark-skinned

puerto rican and we were joking around like saying like yeah he's gonna kill you uncle david

and he's like oh very funny and at the end he's like you see motherfuckers and i was gonna get

at you guys you know get you white boys yeah that was funny uncle david's crazy he's a vietnam

a little crazy he's the one that my mom got mad at because i was playing operation wolf with him

on the nes and there's like little you use a zapper to shoot the bad guys and then like every

once in a while little like villagers will come out you're not supposed to shoot them well you

know you get negative health for doing that and he told me just to shoot them because they're

vietnamese and i'm like oh my mom was like oh my god david really is that how you are he's like oh

yeah it became a big argument they shouldn't talk like that to me maybe he maybe uncle david's a bad

influence on carlos my uh my dad used to uh well it's my my step-grandmother uh there would always

be shit on the news i would be like oh such and such a woman was killed by her husband today and

My dad would always make comments like

Yeah she probably deserved it

She probably did something

She would get so pissed

Like why didn't you even say that

He's like oh you probably did something

I didn't make dinner

And like

Stop saying that

That's not

She's probably sassing

Oh my god

Yeah

She's probably asking for it

Yeah

God damn

Yeah he had taught me a bunch of

I don't remember them

But he taught me Vietnamese curse words

He learned them

He was a

He was a guard

Like a

Prisoner guard

POW guard

and they taught him

he learned all the curse words

so he could know when the Vietnamese

when the Viet Cong cursed at him

so he could beat them extra hard

for that

like you would yell back at him

no no you're stupid fuck you

yeah yeah

he said they called him black ghost a lot

like the Vietnamese that's like a racist thing

to call black people a ghost

a black ghost

hello

All right, bye.

Hello.

Is that 7-Eleven?

Hi, may I help you?

Hi.

We're calling from the corporate office.

It's myself and Bob.

We're with the Southland.

Did you get the memo regarding the Diet Coke recall?

No.

Okay.

Do you have any Diet Coke 2 liters out right now?

Yes.

Okay.

Okay, we need to do a quick check, a test.

Mr. Dwight can help out with that.

He's in our media relations department, and he's got the information.

Bob Dwight.

From what I can see here is we have some sulfur dust that's actually gotten into some of the

probably components of the Diet Coke, so we have to do a hands-on check at each of our locations.

So that's why the compliance department is getting a hold of you tonight,

so we can make sure that none of the affected product is currently on your shelves.

okay all right he's gonna go ahead and run you through a few spot checks make sure you don't

have the effective product that we're gonna have to go ahead and recall okay i'm going to them

right now okay i will hand you back over to him okay hello hello hello ma'am um all right i'm

looking to see if we have any out you said just diet coke two liters of diet coke yes correct

yeah i have regular coke out um okay yeah so let's check the ones that you do have just to be sure

um can you i'm trying to get to them they're like in the i just tell them not to well they're

trying to track down what um what pallets were affected at the distribution center fart okay

and if you could check the the upc code the scan bar and tell me if the numbers end in three three

one seven eight hold on i didn't get our delivery yet oh you can fart in your hand if you're cold

Huh?

You can fart in your hands if you're cold.

That's okay.

You can fart in your hands.

It's warm.

Your body's warm inside.

No, we don't have any two liter.

We didn't get our delivery yet.

All right.

Well, you're a fucking asshole, man.

Thank you.

All right.

Get out of here.

Thank you.

Get out.

Shut up.

Why are you still here?

Good for nothing.

Yeah, I've never seen someone bitch so much about going into the fucking cooler to grab

a two liter.

Oh, my God.

I can't get to him because I have to go through the door.

I gotta go through door to get them I can't get them oh my god you're making me I'll join you

back in a minute I have to wipe my hands to get out of the bathroom oh you're in the toilet you

bye I want a toilet bye yeah hang on I got something for you yeah okay that's for you

okay thank you okay you're gonna wash your hands hurricane season coming up soon it's gonna be

not as active hurricane season which means uh we'll be able to do as many evacuation

situation store closing pranks you're on the air you're on don't be an asshole hey big sexy carlito

man towels and what what do you say there are you a friend towels and water man i love you

thousand water is that okay what's up yeah so why thousand water do you have a thousand water

fm transmitter water oh at the water oh the water yeah bottled water gotcha my bad sorry

I'm eating a hot dog bun, I'm sorry.

No worries. How you been?

Man, I'm doing good, man. Glad to hear you on the air.

Yeah, I got to catch you during the day.

When do you just go on at random, right?

Like when you do a show?

I got a schedule, Tuesday nights, 7.30 Central.

I have a podcast feed now, too.

I upload everything by Friday.

Okay.

All right, you're doing good there.

All right, I got to check that out then.

And you have a website, too.

You were giving it out last week.

yep i just updated a new thing so everything you can find at wasted show.com wasted show.com

gotcha all right everyone go to wasted show.com support wasted memory oh thanks buddy we got some

i got some donations on super chat let me make sure i get proper shout outs for that hey i'm

back got you back sorry if i had you on hold my bad uh someone says want to buy country's family

Family Reunion DVDs.

Whatever that is, I got it.

Call them.

All right, brother.

All right.

I like this part of the show.

The ringing part, man.

It's the best part.

You have reached 423-587-40.

But just leave a message, and we will call you back shortly.

Thank you.

All right, hang on.

Back to 7-Eleven.

Try to make this.

Dwight never came back.

He's full of shit.

He's like, oh, I'll call right back.

He doesn't call back shit.

I forgot, I sent my caller ID to an 800 number from 7-Eleven.

That's why people aren't picking up, probably.

That's what comes up in the caller ID, an 800 number.

I don't pick up no 800 number after 5 p.m.

Oh, yeah, I know.

People are trained to not know that happens.

See, I don't know how we're going to be affected with caller ID verification, you know?

They're pushing for that now.

And, like, I know my phone, my new one, says caller ID verified when someone calls.

So, I think the majors have started it.

Hello, this is the corporate office.

This is the corporate office.

This is Jermaine.

No, this is Julian.

Okay, hi, Julian.

We're calling from the corporate office.

There's a recall on Diet Coke 2-liter bottles.

Do you have any of those?

I have to check for you real quick.

I'm helping a customer.

Okay, I need you to confirm what the last four digits are on the UPC.

If it's 3178, then we have a problem and we need to do something.

Okay, awesome.

Awesome.

I'll check.

Is this a callback number?

Well, we'd rather just stay and get it taken care of now.

This is an urgent issue.

There's metal shavings inside.

All right.

It's a tungsten alloy.

How many customers do you have?

I have three right now.

All right.

Knock them out real quick.

We'll be right here.

All right.

You said the last UPC was what again?

Oh, sorry.

I've got my associate on the line now.

I didn't have him on.

Then let me just bring him off the speed.

He's in our public relations.

I've got a gentleman at the store.

He's going to check the UPC on the Diet Coke 2 liter.

3178 is the number we're looking for, the last four digits of the scan UPC bar.

Yeah, yeah.

There's none with the other last four.

There's none with the last four.

What last four are you showing there, sir?

0-1-1-3-4.

What was that, sir?

5-0-1-1.

I can take it right here.

Okay, that is one of the ones affected on the list.

We're going to have to proceed with the test right now.

Crossy, do you have the procedure ready?

Yeah, I have the instructions.

We need to do a test because we're trying to trace down

from which distribution office it's coming from.

So we need you to find a pack of Mentos in a mint flavor.

Oh, man.

Secret might be out on that one, man.

A lot of people have said, like, oh, will those make it blow up?

And I'm like, no.

They fixed that formula.

I'm like, oh, okay.

Oh, it's in.

I've heard of it.

Oh, no.

It's an Italian-sounding guy in Europe.

In the UK, had a gas station there, had a convenience store.

He was mad about the till.

The till is dirty.

Vaffanculo, he said to me.

He was very upset.

It was very funny.

What we've been doing lately that's been a lot of fun,

We call up the White Castles and complain to them that they're playing a joke on us,

that they're giving us mini burgers on purpose.

I'm like, I just want a regular-sized burger.

All right, that sounds good.

And you can reference other fast foods.

They usually get pretty upset with you.

Ah, shit, let's try.

It's something to try.

You know, I'm fresh out of ideas.

Someone sent me an Ed Bassmaster prank call that said I should try it.

He just calls the store and says he wants the upgraded model, whatever he's saying.

I just want the upgraded model.

And they're like, of what?

And I'm like, oh, this is the newest one.

That'd be Dwight.

Hey, motherfucker.

Hey, motherfucking pervert.

We're on with Wasted Memory, host of the Wasted Memory show.

Oh, fuck that guy.

And he steals water for us.

Wasted Mem, are you there?

Wasted Pervert.

Oh, he's on hold.

All right, Wasted Mem, we're back on.

I got Dwight here.

And we were asking, what else were you stealing from the hotel for us?

It was water bottles and what else?

Just the linen closet.

They left it on lax.

had, I don't know, anything in the room

to get moros. We should have gotten

some fucking peanuts, man. Why didn't we do that?

Oh. Yeah, I should have sent you in for

peanuts. Oh, yeah, I didn't

have any food in there. I was just like...

Yeah, it was just the water. Alright, this is

White Castle. We'll not ring. Not doing

anything bad for free shit.

We brought this chair.

Alright, big guy. Big boy. Alright, White

Castle it is here, buddy. Show us how

it's done. I'll help out. Alright, man.

White Castle, how can I help you? Hey, man.

Alright, so like we just came down there a little while ago. We get the White Castle to go. All right, okay

And all right, so we ordered some burgers from yours and fries like all right burger joint burgers and fries

We bring this shit home open the bag and like what is this you guys fucking with us or what?

What do you like these things? These things are tiny like the pickles together in the damn thing. That's just how they are

That's like how do you mean? That's how they are. It's what do you think?

You just see this jackass come in and you're gonna be like, oh, we're gonna really screw up this guy

Me and my roommate here are all like,

oh man, hey, we should go to the White Castle.

We're new in the town and everyone's like,

oh man, White Castle.

You gotta go to White Castle right now.

What the hell, man?

That's really cool.

That's some kind of fucking joke.

But my money ain't no good here.

You gotta give me mini burgers?

Usually they stay out in Yellowchip for a bit

because they're confused and I don't know.

They can't hang up the phone.

It's stuck.

It's in one of those stuck things.

those brad carter hacky things it's probably out yeah here it is he's not coming back yet

we call mcdonald's but mcdonald's it is normal they complain about chicken nuggets like they're

small chicken nuggets too small yeah there's no sesame seeds on them oh man dude you can go to

mcdonald's now and use a touch screen it's so green you don't have to talk to those people

i love it like you can just walk in there all uh yeah you can take your time and i'm putting like

extra mayo extra lettuce no pickles and shit i'll tell you what hey they got the my my jam which is

the the double cheeseburger the what you would call it the quarter pounder with cheese the qp

with chi that's what i like to call it they have a deluxe version of it now with like leafy lettuce

Like really good ingredients like tomato and stuff. Oh, it's the bomb. Oh, yeah

No, don't get rid of it. It actually makes you really good

Deluxe ones because they said that it takes too long to fucking make and

Man, come on. No one cares. It takes too long if it's good. Look at look at five guys. No one cares

Yeah, but it's like,

how long does it take

to throw a fucking tomato

and lettuce on something,

you know?

It takes a long time.

What takes a long time?

They went to the fresh

burger patties.

That's what takes longer.

That's not going to...

Whatever.

That's good to know.

Well, they got rid of

all their signature

craft bullshit, I know,

and they're bringing in

some international things.

Hello, this is Donald

Bones speaking.

May I help you?

Hey, how you doing?

You guys got the new stuff yet?

The new menu?

I'm sorry, what new menu?

You guys were going to get

a new menu?

You mean new sandwiches?

Well, new items.

Damn it!

Who put the woman in charge?

You do?

Is there a man?

This is the manager, ma'am.

Yeah, but there's no...

The new sandwich...

We don't have a whole new menu.

We have two new sandwiches.

We have the tomato mozzarella chicken,

and we have the...

Oh, God.

We have the extreme bacon burger.

That's nasty.

Have a nice night.

No, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'm sorry.

Oh.

Oh, they're changing their shit.

Call a retail place.

Retail.

No, this park is open, damn it.

Uh, West Coast.

I'll tell you what.

What retail place do you think is still open?

The Hawaiian?

do you have a kind of retail that you want

a bookstore

yes I could do that

give me a second I might be able to make that work

we might have to call Pacific Territory

but we'll make it work don't worry

anything I can steal something from

nice

I love stealing shit

especially when you don't know about it

I steal hot dogs from the gas station

sometimes

I do

Thanks a lot.

What are you doing, Dwight?

I went to the bank and now I'm leaving the gas station.

The bank?

At this time?

Yeah, I went to the ATM.

I went to the ATM so I had money to go to the stores.

You want a big bookstore

or some small ones here?

There's a Catholic bookstore here.

They're closed, though.

Oh, Catholic. Yeah, you stole the Bible.

They're closed and stole the Bible.

Yeah, I don't think I have to be a big store

if it's going to be open.

Uh, yeah.

I'm looking

There's a comic book shop

There buddy here that's open still

They're open for a little bit longer

We found that people

Are putting notes inside of the books

This is in Hawaii yeah

The butthole bandit

Here we go

Hello

It's the comic book store

So I've been in there a number of times

And I saw something

thing that i feel like i really like it made me feel uneasy and i really should report it to you

okay so i was in there um this this was hours ago i mean but like i just finally decided i had a call

and tell you um i was checking some stuff out and i saw some kids in there right and i'm pretty sure

they're thinking about stealing some stuff and i looked up and then like they're gone i seen the

comics you're looking at were gone but then like i felt some lumps in my pocket but i didn't see

them so then i like purchased my stuff and left and then i seen those kids again and then like

they're doing some weird moves and stuff and then like the lumps were gone so i think they

i think they used me to steal stuff from there but i couldn't like i couldn't find it you know

what i mean like i have a pretty like big jack i mean you know like the big shirt jacket you know

so i mean it's pretty easy to lose something in there sir okay yeah i mean i know it sounds

It sounds weird, man, I know, but, like, I didn't, it's one of those things I didn't realize until, like, afterwards, you know, because I just, it just felt, because I didn't really interact with them, it just felt weird, okay?

Okay.

So, like, I wanted to let you know, I mean, do you have, like, a security camera, like, when can we take a look at this footage?

Wait, what?

No, no, because I'm going to find them, I'm going to find them, I'm out walking around in the street right now, I decided I'm going to find them.

them i'm out walking around right now like kind of nearby you right now you know nearby the store

and i just like i i feel like they're around here somewhere was the guy and the girl yeah the one

look kind of i don't know i mean it might have been you know like i got a really good look at

the one that's the one i'm looking for i'm pretty sure i've seen them hanging around here before

so i'm look i'm out here looking for him right now i'm walking talking to you right now because

i'm just i finally was fed up with figured out what happened and i'm fed up with it now now i'm

looking for him like when can i take a look at that security camera i i don't think you have

the cue i'm trying to i'm going to capture these guys i think he's here right now i don't think

you should do anything you know oh no no hang on hang on i think he's right here let me hold on

let me give me run up on him i'm gonna try to sneak up on him hey hey come here come here come

here come here you hey where are you doing come back here come here come here speak to speak to

at this man i think you're did you steal comics from the store yes sir i took comic books sir yes

i took comic books i found them i found them i'm gonna i'm i found them what am i gonna do with

them now here's book here's another bookstore this one's called book off i was a little confused

with what was going on not gonna lie i was a little confused we're calling pro to book off

how may i help you all right hey hey so i was in there before and so i just feel really

uncomfortable what i found so i was in like you know checking some books out and people

are putting flyers in the books like i think it's like borderline pornography to be honest

it was kind of scattered out they had a couple in there like you know some of their articles and

then they had a couple scattered in the you know like the paperbacks and that and like they were

just i just found a few owls in there like i think some people so many people found it funny but like

Like, I don't know, what if the children have seen it?

Thank you so much for letting us know.

We'll try to find all of us.

No, no, no, that's not enough.

No, because this is, like, who let this happen?

Why'd you do this?

I think you guys did it, actually.

Like, it's some kind of promotional marketing gimmick or something.

Like, what's going on down there?

I don't have any promotional marketing going on at all.

No, that's exactly what somebody would say that was guilty.

That's what I'm thinking.

Ma'am, just confess.

We're not doing any marketing at all.

Ma'am, how do you plead guilty or not guilty?

This is my lawyer here.

You can talk to him.

How do you plead guilty or not guilty?

Would you like to talk to our store manager?

She's in right now.

Sure, hurry up.

Hurry your ass.

I want to find more pornography.

This is you guys speaking?

Is this a different person?

Because you sound like the same person.

Yeah, I'm a store manager.

Oh, wow.

That's nice, honey.

Okay, are you guilty or not guilty?

How do you plead?

Guilty or not guilty?

guilty sorry uh i didn't hear any detail from my associate just shut up can you shut up please

i'll put my associate on so he can explain quickly what's going on okay ma'am these are the books

that we found like i'm sorry to be frank we found the labia um medical photos like i'm just being

frank here ma'am i'm sorry to be rude but i mean i just want to get this done ma'am hi ma'am we

found the flyers with the labia and i'm pretty sure you guys did this as a joke like this is

Just some kind of weird, elaborate ruse that you guys did on the customers.

In a book?

Yes.

There was a liar in a book?

In several books.

Several books, everywhere.

The articles, the books, everything.

Like, scattered.

Oh, I see.

So probably the previous customer put it there, so we didn't change it.

No, no, no.

I think it was the girl that we just talked to.

It wasn't you, it was the one we just talked to.

I think she's the one that did it.

She sounded guilty.

cross cross i believe the one before was the one that put the labia in the books yeah ma'am

is she are you guilty or not guilty of putting labia in the book we need to enter a plea right

now so we know how to proceed with the we don't put any flyer in the book okay objection to form

objection ma'am this is sustained like we can't we can't that you can't say that you have to say

who put the labia in the books?

I don't know, but we don't put any flyers in the books.

It's not a procedure.

Ma'am, you put the labia in the books.

Labia.

What's a labia?

Labia.

L-A-B-A.

Can you help with the definition with this?

I can't even deal with this right now.

You don't know what labia is?

I don't know.

Siri, what is labia?

The definition of the word labia is

a lip-like structure that bounds a bodily orifice,

especially any of the four labiate faults of a woman's vulva that's what siri says does that

make any sense to you ma'am ma'am ma'am ma'am shut up ma'am you need to ask one of your co-workers

for assistance sorry ma'am ask one of your co-workers what the hell labia is if you don't

know what a labia is i understand the labia but you know we don't put any flyer in the book

it explains it explains the labia and everything has a picture it says labia minora we don't have

this is labia minora labia majora and it says it says on the really big on the top it says this is

for all the girls and little girls and boys to learn it says but you know we don't put anything

in the book and it has an arrow pointing into the vagina hole and it says it feels really good it

says it says ma'am ma'am the back side the back side has a tampon on the back like what's going

going on here like it's obviously a kind of no ma'am this is not what's not what we're calling

me we're just trying to get your plea what's your plea because we have to i enter this in

the court proceedings i have my lawyer on the phone he's just costing me a lot of money right

now my name is beef my name is beef beef cross what's the spell beef b-e-e-f beef what what's

the last name juice j-u-i-c-e is that your name or the lawyer yes that's my name i'm beef juice

esquire beef juice esquire yes esquire is what's the spell e-s-q period okay and uh uh what's your

phone number please i'll make sure ma'am ma'am ma'am ma'am ma'am we need to i need to talk to

the last lady we're not getting anywhere with you i need to talk to somebody else yeah you're

You're stupid. You're a Kanaka.

No, I have an old responsibility.

Are you a Kanaka?

What's that?

You know, like a Kanaka.

What's a Kanaka?

That's like a Hawaiian,

native Hawaiian, dirty person.

Do you know any

English vocabulary?

We need to talk to somebody else immediately.

No, I'm sorry.

Right now.

I'm still talking to you.

I'm going to talk to a lawyer now.

what is the request of this call well we want to know like who put this flyer information about

labia and sexual organs for children to read that is from a previous customer we don't put

anything as our job well we're so quality control here so we take the books condition only we don't

check anything inside every single listen when someone buys a book and you're checking them out

You can fan the book, you know to make sure see if anything falls out because someone could

regular books, we don't check inside.

We are checking position only.

What's to keep a perverted man from taking a picture of their penis and a Polaroid

and putting it in the book?

How many?

How many penises?

How many pictures?

Well, what's to keep...

What's to stop a man from just going in there and doing that,

random books, to put pictures of his penis and a phone number to call?

I'm so sorry, but we don't have any procedure to put any flyer inside the book.

Beef juice.

I think she put her labia in the books.

I think that's what this is.

Is this a picture of your labia?

This is her labia.

We like to compare the picture of the labia to yours.

What?

You need to clear your name right now, because right now you're suspect in this.

Guilty or not guilty?

No, I don't think so.

Guilty, not guilty.

What's your name again?

Ma'am.

guilty or not guilty your labia what's your plea what do you mean what's that what's that question

guilty or not no no you see you say guilty or you say not guilty excuse me are you guilty or

not guilty i'm gonna call the police no no are you guilty or not what's your phone number no no

five one one but i mean like what's i mean i need your plea for guilty i'm not talking to you i'm

I'm talking to the lawyer.

Okay, Mr. Beef.

Go ahead.

She won't talk to me anymore.

I am a lawyer.

I am the official lawyer here.

And I...

Okay, what's your phone number?

205-2019.

205?

2019.

And I want you to text me back with pictures of your vagina and your labia.

808?

You mean?

Yeah, that's it.

Where is it?

I'll call you back.

I'll call the police.

Okay, send me pictures of your vagina.

Why?

We need to compare it to the flyer.

because we think you didn't.

No, it's crazy.

There's a lot of hair in the picture.

Are you shaved?

Crazy.

Are you crazy?

No, you.

You kakasuki.

Don't call this number again.

Puppy people?

Well, you can't hide.

You're guilty, and you're going to pay the price

for putting Labey in the book.

Ma'am, we're filing these charges immediately.

The name is Beef and Associates.

okay beef no we're beef curtains associated national marketplace gnc how may i help you

oh gnc yeah bro i've got a drug test coming up i i'm in the navy i'm at the base here

what do you have that i can take uh we don't have anything for that are you talking about like

detox and stuff yeah because i got a drug test and i've been you know juicing yeah we don't have

anything for that you only have like vitamins and supplements and stuff but we don't have

have anything for like drug tests you don't do you know a place where i can go because i was

taking andro and a bunch of stuff like testosterone shots oh yeah i'm not sure where is it so you

might have to go to a pharmacy or something yeah i mean i'll get court-martialed you know and i'll

end up like in a federal prison i'm sorry i'm a i don't know what i'm a c-man you don't know

anywhere like any place i can go that has like detox stuff yeah i'm not sure unless you go

to like a pharmacy for that yeah a pharmacy isn't gonna get they're gonna be no you can't you know

it's not for drug cleaning yeah then other than that i don't know man hey do you have do you do

you have clean pee clean tea pee clean pee yeah your pee is it clean um yeah but i'm not gonna

give you my pee well i'll give you some money i have like it's like a it's like it's called a

wizenator it's like a ceramic penis that i can wear like a belt oh no i'm sorry man i can't

come on man how much for your just it's just like it's like this little bladder that

it's like not even three ounces of pee no i'm sorry i can't help you man all right have a good

day bye-bye sir he just needs a towel is he still there no he's gone you know the other one oh she

was on for a little bit she hung up halfway through this i called police i called police

hey my two minutes is up hang up hang up the phone yeah your two minutes is up you only

to give a people two minutes.

All right. Thank you, Wasted Memory.

All right. Wasted Memory Show.

Thank you. I love you.

WastedShow.com. I love you.

What is it again? WastedMemoryShow.com?

WastedShow.com. Me and Dragon Mirror.

And check out Dragon Mirror's YouTube.

Dragon Mirror. Yeah.

Dragon Mirror does pranks on Friday nights, right?

Like before I start or after?

Yep.

It's the very unofficial pre-show

and the hijinks,

the hijinks that fun slash chat whatever it's on the way.com you can click the thing it's right on

there there you go and uh yeah uh a few hours before you go on he goes on and does calls and

people join and you can do calls too with them it's all great we have fun there's a link at

madhouse live.com for the hijinks chag hit that and join the chat we got a movie night there and

all that stuff all right wasted memory i'll let you go sounds like you're i'm getting on your case

so i'll see you later buddy thanks for joining and helping love you bye all right bye that's

our water boy from chicago so fast pick up mcclanahan you're still here you're quiet like

milkman so you need to press one to take this call someone's already calling me again hello

thank you for calling hey it's big crow hey big crow hey you got two minutes what's up two whole

minutes hey i don't know what the fuck to do with two minutes motherfucker yeah how you feeling uh

Uh, y'all, that's for not flushing the toilet.

Yay.

If she wants me to flush the toilet more often, yay.

Hello, McDonald's, how may I help you?

Yeah, hi, do you guys have to drug test to work here?

Okay.

How the fuck does she not know this?

Ask her if she had to take a drug test to get her green card.

Yes, we do.

You do?

Yeah.

All right, do you have, can I, can I buy some, do you have clean pee?

I'm sorry?

Do you have clean pee?

What's that?

You, is your pee clean?

i need clean pee i need some iron dwight you're being quiet oh because i have you muted i'm sorry

oh fuck me yeah i was i was asking would you drink her pee pee pee pee you drink it

all right i was yelling at wasted memory i was trying to get the fuck out of here and nobody

even heard it well good because that's rude dwight i won't go i said get we have a caller now

No, be nice to him.

We have a caller now.

You gotta be nice to him.

He only gets two minutes.

Hey, I'm a fucking caller.

Motherfucker.

Aloha, thanks for calling the Shadow YKK Hotel.

This is Benny Jameses, dude.

Motherfucker.

Hey, how you doing?

Hello.

Hi.

We're looking to see if anyone has any clean pee.

That's too much.

That's too much to do that.

I've done that before.

I actually put out ads on Craigslist before for that.

I got a lot of responses.

For clean pee or that you have clean pee?

Yeah, no, that I needed pee.

I needed clean pee.

and like there was people fucking called left and right because i was offering like 50 bucks

for a bottle of clean piss nice they're like oh yeah like oh my sister my sister's pregnant but

i don't think they test for that they don't it's not that hard to clean yourself out even if it's

weed look i'm a fat fuck and i can do it like in a day or two yeah lots of water lots of water the

day of it doesn't matter you can't you can't flush yourself in the days before golden seal

this is all bullshit you drink just a lot of water the day of the test and you pee you pee as

much as you can during the day you want to be like peeing every half hour you want to drink that much

if you can get your hands on some lasix or furosemide a water pill to help you pee a lot

do that um it's better i thought those water pills worked well just keep peeing you gotta

clean out your bladder you know they check your urine for a certain amount of thc you know if

If you're under that threshold, you're good.

Just dilute yourself.

But you also have to, they're going to check your color of your pee.

You've got to pass a color.

So if you take, it's creatine, I believe, that gives you a yellow, it looks like highlighter yellow.

It's really weird, but they'll accept it.

They've always had it for me.

Like, it's so weird.

Like, I'll pee and it's like a highlighter yellow.

It's scary looking.

I've never had a problem.

You know what, though?

You know what?

I work for the company that makes Monster Energy Drink, and we had to go and take, like, this group test.

Right.

They had our hearing and our vision tested, but then they had us pee in a cup, and they had us go into, like, these two separate bathrooms.

They got, like, a pee machine, like, it checks your urine.

Oh, and they put it in the Monster Drink?

And it tells them, like—

They put it in the Monster Drink?

So you do—you work for Monster?

That's awesome.

I'm a big fan.

Every morning, man.

Yeah, I hate it, man.

That's their new way of testing their hearing.

You have to take a piss test to test your hearing.

Yeah, they got to take a piss test to test your hearing.

They tricked him.

No, they tricked him.

There's just a guy.

They're like, oh, yeah.

That's cool.

So you guys almost got bought out by Coca-Cola.

They were wanting to buy you guys out.

I know.

That company.

Well, we're like a co-packer, you know?

So we do other drinks, too.

But, like, Monsters are, like, big ticket.

Like, yeah, motherfucker, we're going to get rich.

But we never do.

Are you guys involved with Bang?

Are you guys involved with Bang at all?

the bang energy drinks no no they're really good not yet i mean they've come around they're keto

friendly come to us oh really you know we uh when we were in uh san jose uh buckshot drank a shit

ton of those and he's like oh they're really good and i was like yeah i've never seen them before

and i shit you not when i got back like i started fucking seeing them everywhere like they started

rolling in yeah yeah i was um i follow a keto oh shit weed everywhere i follow a keto stoner

kind of group and they're all about the bang the the coke the coconut candy cotton candy one is

so good it tastes like melted uh what's on candy like no no it tastes like melted uh like uh

italian ice to me i don't know hard to explain cat's cat's husband mad drinks balls balls

but it's organic organic balls he has in his mouth yeah we make dude before red bull before

Before Red Bull and before Monster, it was balls with the guarana in it.

It always tasted weird.

I never liked balls that much.

Really?

Yeah, I remember.

Have you tried any of the other flavors?

This has been so long.

I don't know where to get balls anymore.

There's the high ball.

I saw it on the video, Dwight, of you guys up there.

You had the high ball on, which I think is called high ball.

Yeah, those are Mad Hatters that were stocked up in the fridge.

Yeah, they're gross.

gross they're like orangey kind of yeah they're like sugar-free and preservative free or whatever

they're trying to be a little more healthier but they suck you gotta go with you you're better off

going with a bang you know i forgot when we they we were like oh take us on a tour and i'm like

showing them what's in the fridge like they give a fuck i'm like hey look at this we've got wasted

memories 30 pack of bud light that's having about five beers taken out of it and they're

You're going to end up staying in there.

And you're eating pizza.

Pizza.

Huh?

You eating pizza all the time.

Oh, yeah, we had pizza.

That's all you do is eat pizza.

Cheap pizza.

Like you did in Chicago, you ordered cheap pizza.

We ended up leaving Greenbee's bottle of, like, wine in there,

a big pack of Waste of Memories beer.

What the fuck else?

Oh, some waters and stuff in there.

And, like, the next person commented on the Airbnb.

He's like, man, this place is amazing.

Greenbee was drinking wine?

There was beer and wine?

Greenbee was drinking wine?

What the fuck?

What is he?

Yeah, he has some wine.

30-year-old blonde white woman.

Fucking wine.

I shriveled up his ass.

I didn't even.

Yeah, we bought it at a Banchot liquor store, and he yelled Banchot as we walked out the

door.

I was like, oh, no.

Oh, my gosh.

My goodness.

All right.

You're going to get a shot here, man.

Let's do some hotel shit.

Dwight, come on.

We're the Hotel Brothers, they say online.

That's what they call us.

The Hotels?

The Hotel Brothers.

That's what.

Yeah.

Let's get you in an elevator.

Fuck yeah.

Hey, I'm going to let you guys go.

It's great to see you back

We were just about to sandwich you

Alright buddy thank you sir

Thanks for calling

Alright God bless you sir get out of here

Oh come on phone

You kind of saved me

When I was on Skype with you when I was at the store

Cause that fucking guy he loves to talk

Like every time I go in there he's like

He wants to talk about WWE all the time

I'm like dude I don't really give a fuck about it

Like I've said something to you once or twice

Cause he had it on his laptop while he was working

and now he thinks like i'm a super fan like him and he's like wanting to talk about it every time

i'm in there and i'm like i i've got please i've got to go i've got places to go yeah dude there

was this gas station i would hit up on my way to work it was he was nice guy but in orlando but

dude yeah he was just willing to talk and talk and sometimes i'd be like right i'd be like all

right i can pull over and i'm going to be just just three minutes late today but i'll be able

to get my gallon of water and my breakfast sandwich really quick but then he'd be like

he really annoys me like any other time i'm fine but like movie night

like i'll run to the store and like right after i finish the show

it's gramby for accounting press three and for austin found press four i gotta add gramby

please press zero or remain on the line for the next available operator uh new skype screwing me

me up Dwight are you there or is this just green bean not talking hello how are you calling

my name is EJ how may I assist you hey how you doing there boss good how's it going I've been

better I've been better you know um I came into the room there was a banana peel on the ground

and I slipped on it I'm so sorry what is your room number sir 217 and the last name is horse

I'm sorry horse are you checking the computers I'm so sorry you said you're in room 217 with

It's a lot of same chords.

Is that correct?

Yeah, but it's not under my name.

It's under my friend, someone else's name.

I don't really know the women at the bar.

We're going to have a homosexual thing.

We're not from here.

We're visiting.

We're going to visit the Pearl Harbor.

Are you there?

Are you listening?

You're making me mad.

Yes, sir.

I'm listening.

You're starting to make me mad.

How may I help you, sir?

Well, okay, sir.

There was a banana peel, and things got crazy, and I slipped and fell.

So you're in room 217.

Is it okay for me to send housekeeping up to take a look, sir?

To do what?

To take a look and laugh at me?

To verify, sir.

Well, I'm just wondering why was there a banana peel on the ground here?

I'm not too sure, Mr. Corazon.

If anything, I can send housekeeping up just to confirm.

No, I'm confirming there's a banana here.

A banana peel.

Someone ate a banana through the peel on the ground.

Okay, can I have housekeeping just to confirm, sir?

To verify?

I mean, if that's necessary.

You're you know, I'm saying you're making me angry. You know, you understand. I do apologize about that sir

I'm getting very angry. God damn it

Yes, I do

What are you there still do I yes, okay, dude, so how do I add green be to the he was calling?

There's what all right and trying to add him to the call. Why is it so difficult? Ah, it's fucking Skype

you know hang on can you add them oh yeah we find them add all the peoples anyone who wants to join

can join but i gotta take a break it's break time we're going until 2 a.m eastern because i started

an hour late i had a problem with the uh virtual machine the virtual box was acting stupid do i

are you still working on getting your virtual box working yeah nobody can get the cables working

oh that uh virtual audio cable it sucks yeah yeah and i'm afraid if it breaks like i won't

be able to fucking put it back to

work together yeah it looks pretty fucking

complicated you need to get a cheap laptop

there brother and a mixer

and cables to connect them all it's a pain in the ass

yeah and a tablet

for sound effects like that

alright so you're gonna work on getting I'm gonna take a break

you're gonna work on getting Big Greenby online

I added him but he ain't come in

fuck him alright well we'll figure that out

he may or may not join it'll be good to hear from

him hopefully

alright everyone when we come back

We got more things to call calling Honolulu right now.

I'll scrounge something up.

Maybe Dwight will find some shit, you know.

Dwight will find some numbers.

We'll be all right.

We'll progress.

We'll pick up here in a little bit.

All right.

MadHouseLive.com.

Maybe one will be taking your calls where you can insult me and everything.

All right.

I got to go.

Bye.

You're listening to MadHouse Live.

On the largest call station in the nation.

Frank Call Nation.

we're back i have scarfed down chinese food i have food energy carlito's ready to do more things

green bee has joined us green bee welcome his own video machine let me make sure i'm there i'm

air humping to this song big dwight is here air humping yeah carlito you can go see that movie uh

excuse me no no no looks like good horror good horror ma they got some voicemail let's knock

I'm gonna knock these out of here real quick, I'm out of luck, let's check this.

Oh, you guys probably won't be able to hear this.

You're calling and calling and you don't answer.

I'm the Irish horse.

It's the, uh, the guy.

That sounds stupid.

Hello, Carlito, I don't know how to do the alphabet.

I've been to a lot of trouble now.

Uh-huh, great, a contribution.

Hey, Carlito, long time listener, recently subscribed to your Patreon.

Thank you.

the guy jose all right good thank you jose jose's an asshole he just tried to call me on facebook

really well he's he's contributing on patreon be nice you should answer and say thank you

not my patreon you i do i do when i can this one the translation says nugget i'm gonna

presume it's the n-word let's see there's probably a white kid saying the n-word get ready guys

nugget no it's just nugget nugget pocket nugget there's a slur nugget nugget all righty cool

what else we got here just a rambling one i won't play the whole thing there was an obituary

somewhere no actually my uncle david was there who's a dark skin playing my audio doesn't know

to turn off his speakers when you're calling in yeah turn it down that's the one that i wanted

to see and i felt doing it again hey it's ray it's right okay i thought there was an obituary

here from obituary man from mr puller but i don't see what's this

funding members of the cocaine clan whose professional success was by frequent legal

troubles including incarceration died on november 13th the drug overdose two days before his 36

bones are old dirty bastard known for his outrageously profane shirt pre-associative

rhymes delivered in a distinctive half-wrung style the autopsy found a lethal mixture of

Cocaine Shin drug tramadol the overdose was real accidental MPs Davika. Yeah, Davika rest in peace

Just to pick it. Oh my god breaking news Carlito. Jose is live on Facebook Jose live. Nice

Appears to be intoxicating just a little he's not proud of himself

all right i want to real quick want to give a thank you to all the super chatters people

have donated on youtube super chat uh barry peckleman uh thank you super chat with no shout

out uh big juan the same uh we got one dollar super chat and a ten dollar one maybe that's

the person i was calling well thank you uh no then there's also moses cow big mo big moses

Moses donated $10.

Thank you.

The Matzda with the super chat also.

Thank you.

A couple super chats from Matzda.

Random TV donated some Canadian money and gave the request for a shout-out.

Got to check in with your friends at the Dew Drop Inn.

Yeah, they don't play as much, but we should call them.

Yeah, I can call them.

When was the last time we called during that guy that checked in

and we accused him of taking swings at Charlie's Parrot?

where we said he was masturbated in the bathroom

and he was getting all wound up

because I said I was the do-drop-ins lawyer.

He got mad, too, at the very thing.

You fuck, you're calling me.

You always call.

Oh, it's the funny guy.

And you got on and started fucking

ching-a-da-ma-da-da.

Fuck you, son of a bitch.

I'm trying to find the do-drop-in.

I'm having trouble typing.

Yeah, it's because you got sausage fingers.

No, you're a lie.

I'm sorry.

You're a big lie.

Oh, big fucking liar.

Hey, Greenby, give me some of the street beat on Arby's.

What's going on?

I saw you guys got some chicken wraps or something.

Greenby?

He's muted, and he looks stupid talking to himself.

The chicken pecan salad sandwich?

I saw there was a chicken wrap.

It's been gyro season.

I'm beginning my two-for-six gyro turkey gyro with no sauce

because I'm cutting, trying to lose some weight.

It's not that many calories if you hold the sauce.

You don't need the sauce in those gyros, man.

No, man.

Oh, no, the seasoning is good.

That's the same thing with the steak, I tell people.

I'm like, listen, if somebody does a steak fucking properly, you don't need sauce.

Dude, I paid $25 for a 24-ounce porterhouse yesterday, and I use A1.

I got to use A1.

I don't care how—I mean, I don't pour it on the steak, but I dip it on the side.

You know what I mean?

I bought some porterhouses from a local grocery chain the other—well, it's been about three weeks back.

but they hit them on sale for uh fucking 6.99 a pound yeah yeah and so like a bud just bought

an assload of them and put them in vacuum sealed bags and just sealed them put them in the freezer

oh i got big it was it was a delmonico actually not a porterhouse i think it's the same thing

i got a big 24 ounce delmonico steak man and it was butter fried and i had the sauteed onions

and mushrooms and a baked potato all the way on the side and the caesar salad oh yeah i'd

it was our it was our anniversary we had an anniversary there last night

oh congratulations yeah i missed stand-up for that it was worth it though uh yeah i'd rather

have a strip i don't like uh bones in my state i don't like yeah yeah i was like i was thinking

like i'd get a t-bone but man the fucking bone is a bitch you know that fucking and then i just

want to pick up the bone and chew on it can't do that in public with it nah i can't do that in

public man it's crazy that's how that's how uh the guy killed the other guy in law abiding citizen

in the jail he had a t-bone steak and he took the bone stabbed him in the throat oh man see that's

why they don't you have t-bone steaks in prison all right green be our chief arby's correspondent

i cut you off so the it's a chicken wrap but you're you're using the same uh gyro wrap then

for that right and it's chicken meat it's actually the pecan chicken salad sandwich

but you can also get it in a pita or a wrap okay i

wouldn't take his advice carlito

although he still doesn't say that there's any fajita wraps at the arby's and i got one

one time that was probably a franchise that was probably a franchise yeah who does but um

who does arby's breakfast on the website they've got breakfast signers but

arby's over here maybe some of them don't maybe that's like breakfast lasted really long at the

wendy's remember when they used to do that and then they fucking got rid of that real quick oh

man i sat there at the drive-thru one morning when i was working the graveyard i was it was

after work and i was like no one's coming then i read there had a sign up that said sorry you know

we're no longer doing breakfast i'm like fuck yeah taco bell isn't too bad with their breakfast

that's good the biscuits and gravy from wendy's was pretty good actually that they made for

breakfast it was good stuff but uh mcdonald's man is the king burger king is coming hard

on mcdonald's now they're releasing um they're going against the mcgriddle they got french

French toast breakfast sandwiches.

Yeah, I don't like Burger King breakfast.

There's no seasoning to it.

It's just bland.

I don't like Burger King, period, really.

Burger King should go out of business.

Don't talk shit about Burger King.

Anytime I've had any of their little burgers or whatever,

then I'm burping that shit up the rest of the day.

I'm like, oh, look at that, flame-grilled.

Man, it tastes better than McDonald's, I think.

But I like Burger King better than McDonald's taste-wise.

Sometimes I just want a fucking flame-grilled.

You know, I want that.

that oh mcdonald's is it's like a pan burger you know like like they made it in a pan at home it's

i do taco bell any day of the week like that's that's my spot i'd rather have wendy's square

burgers than burger king's round burger burgers yeah we do obviously wendy's is expensive but

burger king is just as expensive man yep yeah that taco bell uh breakfast is pretty good man

i'll tell you what it is uh they're the waffle taco is pretty good they're wraps it's it was

was a no-brainer for them to do it and i'm sure at some point chipotle is going to go into the

breakfast sphere they're they're they're a perfect they they should go right into it they're going

to start doing breakfast burritos you watch at some point in the next in some point in the next

five years chipotle will be open extended hours in the morning they'll open up earlier and they'll

have breakfast yeah they'll be giving people food poisoning earlier in the day now egg food poisoning

now now you have sulfur farts yeah god goddamn an airbnb man they keep sending me shit we think

you'll like these chicago homes motherfucker we already have our chicago place fucking reserved

like quit sending me emails oh man i can't wait so where we're gonna be we got an airbnb what's

it like we got a pool uh no no this one's in chicago we got like a man cave down in the

basement with like these nice fucking leather recliners and shit yeah and uh it's got a wet

bar like you got a big fucking neon guinness sign and shit hanging up there got a fridge in the

basement yeah we're gonna get matt hillock in there to break everything oh he'll never be able

to make it there's stairs all right so that's the hill of kryptonite all right all right so who's

gonna be in in the big in the prank call house this this time me the prank call is you me green

Greenbee, Parkman, Gia, possibly one or two of his camera guys, RBCP, JAG TV.

Okay.

And I think that's it.

Where's JAG at, man?

I haven't heard from Big JAG in a while.

Yeah, I had to get a hold of him because I was like,

we haven't heard anything about, like, are you still going?

Like, because you're supposed to be driving us.

He hasn't done shows, and he was leaving me voicemails every week for the show,

and he stopped doing that even.

What are you worried about?

Yeah, I talked to him the other day.

he said he's still down good good good to know jack tv will be there all right so this is the

first week of chicago we've got a meetup planned this is the first week of chicago i said the first

week of september in it uh yeah the seventh i believe the that's the saturday date we're of

course going earlier but there will be information on facebook i'm sure event information so that

you know the seventh yeah we're gonna be at another barcade looks like and kind of thing

we're gonna hang out do a meetup brad will be there rbcp me dwight you know we'll be doing our

thing it'll be great guys come on come meet us all yeah hillary should be around oh yeah there's

no brainer yeah you'll be in this so far on facebook there was something close to like 40

people that were going yeah well we're doing it with enough time so a lot of people last year

were like oh i didn't have enough time i didn't know well now you know you fucking know and there's

There's another meet-up in 2020 getting set up in California.

April 2020.

There you go.

420.

Yeah, right now, 38 going, 87 interested.

So we could have some shit going down.

We're going to take over Chicago.

All right.

Let's do a prank.

Here's a Burger King.

I'm excited for the meet-up.

I'm excited to meet you, Greenby.

I booked my flight for San Jose 2020 already.

Me too.

Just because it was $205.

I couldn't beat that.

that was half of what i paid last year i paid 301 after the flicking my flight and everything

301 that's burking thanks burking all right do drop in as what was requested here it is

hi can we speak with charlie please yep speaking charlie yeah how you doing hi um i wanted to ask

you about the the bird that you have there yeah uh where does the bird shit on the shoulder does

Does it shit on your shoulder?

Yeah, unfortunately it does.

You're not Charlie.

Yeah, duh.

You know who Charlie is.

Yeah, where is he?

Does he talk about us?

No.

All right, that's Charlie's son, I think, who's an asshole.

Son, yeah, I think so.

The golfer, right?

He's a golfer's son.

He's got a daughter that golfs, too.

I guess Charlie golfs.

He's really into the golfing.

Yeah.

Do you remember the time you called Charlie and told him that his daughter had been arrested in Russia?

In Russia?

She took a shit in the church

My daughter in jail

She shit on the altar

In the church

You see my daughter in a jail

Time to make a Pepsi order

Yeah

I thought it was going to be like a couple thousand dollars

You crazy you

Ow

You son of a bitch

Don't do that please it hurts my ears

You so stupid, you skew, you.

You stupid.

Fuck you.

Go back to Shanghai.

Like, your sister used to cook food, right?

In Los Angeles?

I fuck you, son of a bitch.

You understand?

Your sister makes bad food in Los Angeles, too.

Fuck you.

Fuck you, you.

Fuck you.

You stupid.

Yeah, I fuck you, son of a bitch.

You understand?

Yes.

Fuck you.

You son of a bitch.

No.

Ah.

Sir? Hello?

Let's see here.

You stupid? Are you stupid?

You're stupid. This is serious.

Your daughter's in jail. You don't care?

You asshole.

My daughter in the jail. I fuck you.

You son of a bitch.

What are you talking about?

Your daughter's in jail forever.

We're not going to help her out.

You son of a bitch you you every time you you work and you want to call a son of a bitch you

Yeah, she got to my way

I got you good this time didn't I stupid asshole

You dickhead.

Oh, there's the annoying Dwight laugh.

Oh, that's a good laugh.

That was a good time, head by all.

Man, I miss the BTR days, though.

Those were good times.

We had a lot of fun with them BTR.

Yeah, two other people ruined it.

Yeah.

Well, then BTR changed their whole thing.

And then Gary Brodsky died.

Rest in peace.

Aloha, Sy Street Inn.

All the more and all the more, we hope you...

Is this Sy Street Inn?

Yes, this is.

Okay.

Is this, like, a hotel or a place where I can get drinks?

This is a restaurant bar.

How can I help you?

Are there kanakas here?

I'm sorry?

Is this a kanaka?

How may I help you, sir?

Is this a kanaka bar?

I was told to check if it's a kanaka bar before I come,

that it's dangerous to be around a lot of kanakas.

It's a restaurant bar?

How can I help you today, sir?

Yeah, but is it mostly white people there or a lot of island people, kanakas?

We have all kinds of nationalities here.

Okay.

All right, and what kind of drink specials do you have?

No drink specials, actually, tonight, but our prices are very good.

Do you have bottles of wine?

We do have bottles of wine.

Okay, I'm going to do, do you have a bathroom I can take the wine into?

I'm so sorry, sir, how can I help you tonight?

I want to go into the bathroom with a bottle of wine, and I want to do a wine enema, you know?

Well, you have a great night.

Thank you so much for calling.

No, you need to help me.

You have a great night.

Not too funny, but it was all right.

Are you supposed to have a great night if you can't have your wine and them?

I know, right?

Aloha.

Thank you for calling Don Quixote Honolulu.

We're located at 801 Caheca Street.

If you know your party's extension, please dial it now.

For electronics, press 2.

For produce, press 3.

For meat...

25 minutes left to show.

Let's try to do something funny.

Thank you, everyone who's listening.

Everyone watching on YouTube.

not many of you as the african guy pointed out how useless i am because i only have whatever i

have 61 people on youtube right now it says 61 watching now well that's good thank you thank

you everyone on youtube what's up sorry there's no music you guys are wrong how can i help you

this is don quijote can i help you yes okay you have the produce for the dirty asian people

Excuse me?

Do you have produce?

Do you want, yes, we sell produce.

You want produce department?

Well, do you have durian?

What, what's the item again?

I'm sorry.

Durian.

Okay.

I'm going to be getting new webcams this weekend with the Patreon money.

This, the camera that's up now, the overhead.

This one here is going to be out of here.

Change with a nicer camera.

And this front here too, this front camera.

Hello, produce.

How can I help you?

Hi, do you have durian?

Durian?

No, we don't carry durian.

Why not?

Sorry.

Why not?

Huh?

Why not?

Well, because we don't carry it.

Do you know what it is?

Yes.

It's a big brown.

It smells like...

It's a big brown.

Yeah.

It smells like shit.

Okay.

Yeah.

Do you have all the dirty people food, Asian dirty people food there?

No, we don't.

We don't have something like that in here.

Oh, you have special stuff for Asian people there, right?

Yes, we do.

We do.

We do have a lot of Asians and all...

For dirty people?

Oh, for dirty people?

Well, there's no dirty people on this planet.

Yeah, they are.

Southeast Asia, they're all dirty.

They don't use toilets.

We don't categorize people like that, sir.

Yeah, but countries where they don't even use the toilet, they poop outside.

Yeah, but we don't call them dirty, sir.

No, what do you call them?

We call them human beings.

That's how they live.

The shit outside.

Well.

Where are your people from?

Where are you from?

I mean, you're calling for Turian, sir, so we don't have Turian, and I apologize for that.

Are you Filipino? Are you Philippines or Guam? Where are you from?

Well, I cannot give you information because you're asking so many questions.

Do you have San Miguel beer?

Do you have San Miguel beer, San Mig from Philippines?

So, I have to transfer you to the liquor department.

Shit, fucking shit, fucking shit, fucking shit.

I'll kick your ass like we did in Vietnam

Well we're not here for trouble

Peck peck

You know peck peck

Well I don't know

I don't know what you're talking about

But I'm not here to answer those kind of questions

Alright get the fuck out

Go transfer my shit

Hurry up I got a little shit I gotta do

Okay okay okay

Hold on hold on

We're gonna dance at our meet up

We're gonna have a dance

I'm gonna slow dance with Greenby

Have a truffle shuffle dance off.

Whoever loses the dance contest is going to get their head shaved by me.

We should go roller skating.

Can we please go to the hot dog place where the black women curse and shit?

Yeah, I'll go with you.

I love a good hot dog or corny dog.

I just want to yell like nasty shit to them.

I wonder if they have a phone at that cursing hot dog place.

It's called the Wiener Circle in Chicago.

Hello?

Please, I command you to speak.

All right, we're going to let this go.

This is stupid.

All right.

All right, I got the Wiener Circle phone number.

Let's call them.

See if I can curse at them on the phone.

Wiener Circle.

Hey, motherfucker.

Oh, come on.

Aw.

That's the crushing place.

You're supposed to curse.

Hello, thanks for calling.

Caller, welcome.

You're on Madhouse Radio.

I'm Carlito.

You're with Dwight and Gramby.

And we hope that you're a good person and not mean.

Hey, Carlito, it's me again.

Just making sure your phone fucking works.

Yay.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, I was wondering, you know, before you head off for the night,

Maybe you could call a couple stores, ask, you know,

maybe a little throwback per call for the I Smell Tuna panty.

Oh, from Victoria's Secret.

If any are open, I could try.

Yeah, that was.

I just want to hear the tuna.

You're down for some tuna.

Tuna, big tuna.

Stinky tuna or the big oysters.

Big old clam.

Yeah, the clams are gone, right?

Those clam things on Facebook, Dwight, that doesn't exist anymore, really?

What's that?

That big old nasty...

You remember the oyster shit?

Oh, they're still going.

I do.

They still do that?

Oh, yeah.

They're just a little more difficult to get the numbers for.

Oh, shit.

What's up?

The clothing and the jewelry are really easy to find.

They pretty much provide you with their phone number.

Which is funny because then we get asked to find family members and we start calling

from their numbers and then they're confused when it's not their brother on the phone.

Yeah, is this the hot dog place where the black girls...

Bitch, how the fuck are you calling from a toll-free number?

Because I work for the corporate office

Motherfucker

Teach me your fucking ways motherfucker

Cause that's some smart shit

Listen motherfucker

I could teach you

Cause I'm like why the fuck is a toll free operator

Calling at 12 1 in the morning

Well we're from the corporate office

Well come the fuck here then

Alright hey you know hot dogs suck in Chicago

I don't give a fuck bitch

They suck in your mama's pussy too

Fuck you why are you so nasty

Cause

This ugly bitch puts

She puts pickles on hot dogs.

She's ignorant.

Yeah.

Fucking seeds.

Little black seeds.

That's the wiener circle where they curse at you.

But I had nothing.

I had no comebacks for her.

That's stupid.

I've had a Chicago-style hot dog where they put pickles on them.

I don't want no fucking pickles on my hot dog.

Yeah, I've gotten it before at Sonic, before they closed the Sonic here by me.

But, yeah, it's like a seeded, black-seeded bun and a pickle.

Get the fuck out of here.

And that pizza, too.

man it never cooks right that deep dish pizza and never put a lot of sauce a lot of sauce

wow i hate sauce on pizza i always get light sauce they come out oh fucking deep dish pizza

which is bullshit hey when we went to the meetup and i me and andy andy took me uh we went out to

dinner for pizza and he was again that chicago style pizza is bullshit it's not even really

from chicago it took me this piece of place and it was awesome it was more of like a thinner crust

the place was dope right that was before i like a good thin crust pizza well that's the place next

time we go i gotta get ask andy where he took me to and we'll go there that pizza was bomb man it

was good they had good beer there too and everything we'll take greenby over there yeah

i still i still laugh from uh when we were down in the lobby and andy called jag a fucking vampire

pirate yeah and he was uh our jag was like shit faced by the time we left the lobby bar

and uh yeah it was it was good stuff jag was like trying to get cherry bombs like we don't have

those or whatever drink i forget what it was so they gave him like seven up and amaretto or

something yeah yeah because we were getting ready to go to that comedy show which we were late for

so like all right let's just get food and then jag's like i get big fucking beers i'll drink

some beers yeah we just sat there and drank in the hotel yeah yeah i couldn't figure out where

the fuck to park we went around that place like 15 times at a circle dude g had in his fucking

parking oh my god don't get me started when we were at the meetup down at the bar kid and he

wouldn't park him what was obviously a an excellent parking spot that i found for him right in front

and he's like no dude i can't i can't and like brad and and brad and matt show up and i've

I've never met Brad before and I want to shake his hand, you know, like I said, what's up

Brad?

And I got, I'm on the phone dealing with Jada's all, Oh, I can't park there.

You don't understand.

Dude, dude, dude, dude.

You know, he gets, Oh, it was, it was funny cause he parked in that bank parking lot.

I figured it was public parking and we were standing out there and we were only there

for like maybe 10 minutes standing the fuck outside to put a sticker on it.

He had a sticker out there to be towed.

Dude, fucking vultures, right?

And cities like that, man, with the towing, they're just looking around like sharks in

the water.

I'm pretty sure the bank was the one that came out and did it.

Yeah.

I think they had someone inside come out and do it, but then Gia played hell getting that sticker off of his car, too.

Yeah, I've had those stickers put on my car before, and they're so obnoxious.

Obnoxiously hard to get off of your windows.

God bless you, Gia.

My girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, she worked at a medical place.

and one weekend um this guy parked to visit his mom and he was in a motorcycle like a really nice

harley it was all done up you know it was a serious thing he came in his biker gay biker

outfit you know his leathers and his chaps and all that yeah his colors yeah and i came to visit

stephanie was like can you bring me lunch and i went to the wendy's and i brought her

wendy's and we're gonna eat there in the lobby and um this one girl that worked there she saw

the bike and she got met you know she's like oh we're gonna put a sticker on it she grabbed one

of these stickers and she put it on the windshield of the bike which ruined it i guess the guy came

out he was like i can't get that off this is a plastic acrylic or whatever he was saying that

won't come off and he was like who put this on there was a big mess and the girl was there

They're just like, yeah, we're going to get you towed by this company.

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

The sticker had the name of the company.

He's like, oh, I know who's doing the tow for that company right now.

And he called them on his next tow.

He's like, are you on your way over here to tow my bike?

He's like, no, man, I wouldn't do that.

It was like his friend.

It was really, really weird.

He's like, no, man, I wouldn't tow your bike.

No.

Yeah.

No, fuck them.

Fuck them.

Yeah.

I got food at a Wendy's.

All right.

So the hospital, they're Seventh Day Adventists who don't do pork.

Like Jewish.

jewish no pork so they this wendy's does not serve bacon on anything like you go and they

cross out bacon on the burgers like the ones that are bacon like they don't have a baconator there

and if an item has bacon they cross it off with on the menu you can't get it yeah i can't even

be in the building with the rest of the food huh no no bacon the baconless wendy's i call them to

confirm that but they're probably not open all right who do we call talking that would be funny

That would actually be funny to call them and then say, hey, you guys forgot the bacon on the Bacon Eater?

Right.

Hey, where's the fucking burger?

I got two buns and mayonnaise and ketchup.

I'll tell you what, though.

I've actually went to McDonald's before with my son.

He didn't want anything on it.

He just wanted a plane.

He was like, I just want a plane, nothing on it.

They literally gave us two fucking buns, like no meat.

They're like, you said no plane.

You said plane, nothing on it.

I was like, are you fucking retarded?

Fucking stupid.

Nothing on the meat, you idiot.

Yeah, I want bread.

And you want $15 an hour.

Get the fuck out of here.

I worked with this ignorant Puerto Rican guy,

and he was upset because he went to McDonald's in the morning for breakfast,

and he said, I ordered a biscuit.

I said, I just want a biscuit.

And they gave him just a biscuit.

And he was like, you know what they gave me?

And he showed it to me, just a biscuit.

I'm like, yeah, you said you wanted a biscuit.

He's like, you know what, I meant like a biscuit.

Like, you got to tell them bacon and egg and cheese biscuit.

if you just say you want a biscuit he's like they were all confused like yeah probably because you

sounded stupid i just want a biscuit sounded like a stupid ignorant that guy was from new york he's

like a zolar kind of guy you know all right we gotta do pranks i mean do we have to well we

could matt hillock it just shoot the ship for a little just talk just talk the whole time yeah

which is kind of what we're doing here i haven't had many crazy prank calls tonight it's kind of

been like that lately yeah i was telling greenby that the other day i said i haven't had any really

really good death threats lately hey i did i will say hey you guys hating on burger king but their

bacon king is like their version of the baconator and it is far superior to the wendy's baconator

i highly recommend it they're the bacon king get it not the only thing that it's all right there

and that's if you get them hot is their fucking cheap ass nuggets the 199 dollar 49 10 piece

nugget dude i got those recently and the nuggets were awful they were awful yeah and like i said

you gotta give them when they're hot uh if they're not hot then you know fuck them oh they they were

awful they were spongy yeah you gotta get them warm gotta get them hot some warm fresh out but

then like you gotta get a sauce but like my kid he has mcdonald's and he he'll eat it those

fucking nuggets without sauce i'm like dude you were fucked up there you can eat that shit with

that dry shit with no sauce oh no you need to get some hot mustard you son of a bitch i don't get

sauce in my nuggets i know i get the hot mustard it's the best one they did i got rid of it and

the people bitched and they brought it right back and i don't get ice in my drinks either

because that ice is dirty and the soda comes out cold anyway i think we have a caller in line

caller is there a caller there is we're just here how may i help you hello uh do you have like a box

of coffee like a brewed coffee or what what what type are you looking for i need to do a coffee

enema coffee beans or hot coffee i need a brood already and i'm going to use your bathroom i've

got a hose mechanism and i'll you know uh we don't have a bathroom unfortunately oh do you have a

space in the back maybe where i can just do the enema no unfortunately we only have a lobby so

if you need to do that you can go to a store that has a bathroom it gets kind of stinky i can't do

it in the lobby yeah so i would suggest going to a different store well no you guys have the good

coffee i need a good enema you know all right here i'm gonna put my doctor on the phone he's

He's going to explain why I need this.

Go ahead.

Hi, ma'am.

Hi.

Hi, how are you?

I'm good.

How about yourself?

I'm doing great.

I'm sorry.

My patient is a little slow, and he kind of comes off a little overbearing.

Abrasive.

Look, it's...

Yeah, abrasive.

That's fine, Carl.

Sit down.

Ma'am, how do you guys sell your coffee?

You're, like, the nearest place to us.

He really needs this.

He gets all spastic when he doesn't get his enema.

I mean, is there any way that you can sell us a bulk amount of coffee?

We can give you a prepared coffee, but that sort of stuff,

we would suggest to do it at home and probably not in the store.

Well, I have an office here.

I mean, we're not going to do it like...

Oh, yeah.

We can give you...

We might have to, depending on how long you make us wait.

Are you guys busy?

Not at the moment.

We can prepare you coffee travelers.

I mean, we...

Do you have, like, a box?

Like, Dunkin' Donuts.

You know Dunkin' Donuts?

us they got like a box you can get a coffee yeah we can do travelers we can have it ready for you

like like how much though um it's like one box is a gallon nice oh really okay wow okay so can

we get um i'm thinking uh just one right cross yeah just one just a gallon of coffee for my

asshole yeah

we're gonna use apple pay okay and uh

will you be picking this up tonight yes i need to do the enema yeah what time do you plan on

picking it up soon uh in about 15 minutes we'll be there okay uh we'll have it ready for you do

you want do you still want the cream and sugar that comes with it or just no it has to be black

it has to be black okay yeah okay we'll have it ready for you all right i'm clearing out my

bowels now from preparation this way i'm clear for the enema wow that's a good one yeah you don't

have a bathroom there right we do not we're in the mall so uh yeah the mall has a bathroom

okay all right so i can do it in the mall bathroom i'm gonna lay on the ground i'm gonna

have the the gallon of coffee and a hose and in my anus and it goes in all right all right bye

Hey, Cross, quick question.

Why does your doctor sound like fucking Bernie Sanders?

Is it Bernie Sanders?

Hey, it's me, Dr. Bernie Sanders.

As much as he was fucking ill.

Shit, that should be my new username on Discord.

Bernie Sanders.

Fucking Matzah is old.

I'm going straight Bernie Sanders.

I'm going to cut your fucking throat.

Where are my fucking remote sets?

Sexy.

Sounds like fun.

So who do we call now?

We're calling Honolulu right now.

someone I haven't talked to in a while

the pizza hut in Honolulu that's funny

the papipi rode me in

what was his face the French kid

what was his name

Dwight you remember you used to fight with him all the time

the French kid train wreck

oh the Canadian yes

yeah Quebec

yeah

he was an alright guy I just didn't

like his voice

between his accent and then

the goofy shit he would say

I'd randomly call him

Shut up you fucking maple syrup chugging motherfucker

Like I would just

Just drop it on him every now and again

Yeah he was sensitive

We would call this Pizza Hut

This Pizza Hut line

Mahalo for choosing Pizza Hut

Hawaii's best

Your call will be recorded

I liked XYZ's premise

That you were ordering a pizza when you were on the plane

On the plane?

Get a large

Specialty pizza

for $14.99 each

when you buy two.

It had like plain ambient sounds in the background.

I don't know if I have plain ones.

I don't.

For $9.99 for carryout.

We could do a car accident.

Domino's, they have insurance

on their pizza

so you can say, hey, I'm bringing my pizza back.

I'm a fucking wreck.

We still have our big dinner box

for $28.99

that comes with two medium, one topping pizzas,

five pieces of breadsticks,

Someone bought pizza at work today and it had a piece.

And I'm just like, oh.

I can catch a bread.

For me to get all these calories, you know, to get off the diet to get pizza,

I'm not going to do pizza.

I'm going to go to a mom and pop, you know, like an established mom and pop.

That's what I had to pay.

It's a local chain.

Bro, this is no comparison to a good local chain and the franchises, you know?

Pizza Hut, Papa John's, Domino's, can't compare.

They have consistency.

It's a little more expensive, but the quality's better.

Yeah, you get consistency.

Hi, thank you for calling Pizza Hut.

This is Alfred.

Can I have your phone number?

Hey, Alf.

Hi.

My number's 808-215-2019.

Pick up or delivery?

Pick up.

From which location?

uh uh do you have papipi road papipi um yes okay can i have a name please uh cross cross and ready

to order or would you like to hear a special oh tell me the specials honey so for specials we have

two medium two toppings for $7.99 each we have two medium specialties for $11.99 each and also

Also, a large two-topping for $11.99.

Yeah.

Sounds good.

All right.

I didn't pay attention to any of that.

Which is the best one in your opinion?

So, I would say the large two-topping.

Okay.

All right.

I can do that.

Let me do that.

Two toppings.

All right.

And this is Hawaii, so I'll do pineapple.

Hey, no kanakas are going to touch my pizza, right?

Like, island people.

I want it to be Americans.

Oh.

I forget what we used to say to that.

That was so funny.

Howley and Kanaka were the lines we used to get

Howley

Alright Carl I'm going to let you go buddy

Alright Carl look I totally forgot you were there

On that computer

I'm sorry

I apologize

I'm really high

I totally forgot to include you

I'm sorry buddy

Thanks man nothing but love

Big hugs to you

Thanks for listening and thanks for calling man

Alright

Hey, big shout-out to the coffee enema lady.

She's my fucking hero.

She took it really well.

Fuck yeah.

All right, man.

I'll talk to you soon.

Save that number, motherfucker.

Yes, sir.

God bless.

All right, that's the caller.

His two minutes are up.

If you want to take his line, you can.

405-396-6884.

Insult me.

Roast me.

I'm asking for it.

Wiener Circle.

Hi, honey.

Hey, Labia.

How are you?

In order to continue this conversation,

Do you have cash at Venmo or what else is there?

Zelle.

If you don't, I'm sorry.

Goodbye.

Zelle.

Okay, she doesn't.

I ain't going to Venmo.

Fuck Venmo.

I'm a Zelle guy.

I support Zelle.

That is my cash trading app, Zelle, my money transfer app that I use.

Yeah.

Yeah, me and my wife, between us, we're always Zelling cash each other.

Like, oh, I'm going to buy this.

Instead of having to give her cash or figure it out that way, I just.

That's your way to control her from overspending.

well that way you know i spent a lot of money yesterday in our on our anniversary dinner over

a hundred dollars that's serious for me you know so i was like hey dinner tonight look we don't

have we all we have in the fridge is a whole chicken all right which i can make really easy

in the instant pot really good i make a really good whole roasted chicken in the instant pot

in like 30 minutes dwight it's awesome but the instant pot is already taken up in the fridge

right now it's got leftovers in it from something else so it's friday man and i gotta do a show

tonight i don't want to be cleaning that shit up you know clean it then i start cooking then

and i was just like so hey i'm gonna get we're gonna get chinese tonight she's like all right

all right says hey i was like hey you need to pick it up tonight because i got last night i

was a lot of money so she zelled me the money you know the amount and and i went and i picked it up

because fuck that shit fucking women right right in the butt it's like i was like what the fuck is

this am i dating her again where i gotta spend a hundred dollars at the beginning wine and diner

fuck that we're married 10 years yeah i don't have to oppress you anymore i fart in front of

you i don't care anymore i shit with the door open i don't even care let's try 7-eleven let's

Let's be serious now and try to get this to work.

All right, all right.

Man, this song was a shit when it first came out.

I spent a whole week just saying, baby, baby all the time.

All right, it's all good.

Just strutting around.

Baby, baby.

Yeah, it's all good.

It's all good.

See, I'd much rather listen to this than the bullshit that my kid listens to now.

Man, that new rap is shit.

You ever hear Snoop Dogg talk about the new rap?

How it's shit.

It's so funny.

I love the ear.

What all it is is them talking and then fucking auto-tuning it.

There's no fucking talent behind it.

It all started with T-Pain.

That motherfucker ruined it.

Hello, 7-Eleven.

How can I help you?

Hello, I'm Cross.

I'm with the corporate office.

We're calling to see if you're following through on the Diet Coke recall.

Diet Coke recall?

Yes.

I'm not sure I haven't heard anything about it.

Do you have any two liters of Diet Coke out in the shelves?

One second.

Let me check.

Yeah.

Okay.

Can you pull one of those?

We're going to do a quick test to see if it's affected with the tungsten shavings.

um yeah yeah there is a several diet coke two liter supply that have been infused with

shave metal shavings of tungsten which is very carcinogenic uh can you grab a pack of mentos

a pack of mentos what is it you want me to do we're going to put uh uh two or three of the

the mentos into the diet coke bottle to see if it um if it changes color if it changes if it

changes to like a milky white that means that there are shavings in it and we need to pull the

diet coke okay this is not believable it's not believable i'm not believable i've done this

before why can't i do it you're unbelievable yeah you try it dwight calling florida central

florida where are you 7-11 hey how you doing there this is richard lips i'm calling from

the corporate office of 7-eleven uh we're calling tonight to see if uh you got the memo on the

current recall of two liters of diet coke no um let me go look see if we have if we they posted

it up or not yeah and if you could after that if you could take a look and see if you have any diet

coke currently on your shelf for sale thank you did you say your name was dick lips i did hello

yes hello hi um all right so i didn't see a memo and uh and there is diet coke on the shelves but

the coke guys are here so the coke guys are there okay um what we're gonna have to do is we're gonna

have to do a quick field test because we're trying to track down exactly which manufacturing plant

uh is responsible for the shavings being inside of the diet coke uh can you retrieve one bottle

of diet coke off of the shelf for me okay okay hello i got one of the yes okay now do you have

any of the ph strips uh that we provide for you for when you're filling up the sinks and back to

make sure you got the right ph levels yeah you know where the ph strips are at he's gonna go

look the employee's gonna go look for them real quick all right thank you how you doing

where'd you put it over here i got it i got a strip okay well i'm gonna have you go ahead and

open up the two liter and we're gonna go ahead and dip in the ph strip and please let me know

uh where we are on the color scale uh then it's like a reddish okay zero okay so it's not

completely bright red but it's it's not a faded red yeah yeah that's what i was afraid of okay um

do you know if you have any of the ph tablets uh because what we're gonna have to do is insert

uh two or three of them in order to get a reaction out of the diet coke and that's gonna be our final

field test and that'll really determine uh if that's it that's the batch that's gone bad okay

uh let me see if we can if you don't have any uh just let me know and i'll look into the book and

and see if there's anything in our store that we can use as a substitution okay all right hold on

all right i think we'll get this one no sir i don't have any yes okay uh let me just look in

here in the standard operating procedures what we can use in the store uh because i'm just trying

to see we got to have something with a sulfuric acid that will react with the metal shavings

uh let's see okay uh it looks like we can use a variety of different mint products

I don't want to waste a whole thing of Tic Tacs.

Do you have Mentos, the, I guess, the mints and mint flavor?

Because they have a fruit and they got a regular mint.

Hold on, let me check.

All right.

The one that has the gum, because we haven't gone through the truck yet, so we don't know what we have in.

Okay, you don't have the rolled mints?

No, just the gum.

Okay, just the gum.

We just got a delivery, so.

The gum should work.

Let me have you go ahead and just grab a gum.

All right.

I'm hoping the gum works.

Hello?

It's the motherfucker.

Still connected?

No, he hung up.

Hey, you son of a bitch.

I worked for that one too, you cocksucker.

I'll call him back.

You never know.

Yeah, call that motherfucker.

This 7-Eleven I used to go to all the time.

It was right on my route commute, the halfway point, right before I got on the toll road.

I had many hot dogs from here.

And then go-go taquitos.

Now he won't answer.

Hey, it's two minutes or up.

How about this asshole?

Not looking good.

All right, we'll turn on the one.

Fuck.

I thought for sure we were going to get in.

and he was going right along with everything.

He was. I had hope.

Yeah, I thought of the name Richard Lips, like, right before I did the call,

and I was almost cracking myself up before the call even started.

7-11, this is Jesse.

Hey, how you doing there, Jesse?

This is Richard Lips. I'm calling from the corporate office of 7-11.

How are you this evening?

All right.

All right, fantastic.

I was calling to see if you were in compliance with the Diet Coke 2-liter recall.

I wasn't.

Okay.

Unfortunately, we've gotten word from several manufacturing plants

that there is a possibility that we might have had

some tungsten metal shavings

get into the bottling process

and so we had issued a

recall on Coke 2 liters

specifically

the Diet Coke. Now, do you have any Diet Coke

that's currently on your shelving?

Okay. Could you

retrieve one of the Diet Cokes, bring it back

and then read me the last four of the

UPC on the back? Yes.

1-1-0.

Alright.

going to have to do we need to determine if these are the affected units we're going to have to do

a quick field test uh do you have any of the ph strips that we provide for you uh in the back when

you're mixing the solutions for cleaning um we should give me one moment and i'll go back there

and check right now okay all right great thank you okay it's a little strip thing correct right

right and i'm going to have you go ahead and uh open up the two liter of diet coke and insert

insert the strip in, and let me know on the color scale where we're at.

We're going to find that if it's possibly one of the affected units,

it's going to be a slight red color.

Okay. It's never been opened before.

Yeah. Unfortunately, we'll have to go ahead and we'll discard that,

and then we'll make a voids receipt so they know that the product

would be used for corporate purposes.

Yeah. Unfortunately, while they were bottling and putting the product inside,

side uh some shaving some metal shavings from the machines uh have possibly gotten into uh into the

liquid okay and have you gotten the result yet checking it right now all right thank you how

long would we know until it changes color uh just 10 10 15 seconds should be plenty of time uh to

get a result okay okay it's got a little bit brighter to strip okay so it's a little bit

it's a slight red then yeah it's got a small yeah yeah unfortunately this does appear it's

going to be an affected lot uh but we do have to do we have to have two positive uh tests in order

to uh have you pull everything off the shelves uh you don't have any of the ph tablets uh that

can be put inside of the diet coke to elicit a reaction uh do you if we do i don't know where

Okay, hang on just a second.

We've got alternatives because we do have many products in here.

We just have to have something that will react with the...

It has to have sulfur in it to react with the metal shavings inside.

When that happens, it'll turn it a kind of a milky white color.

Okay, it says we can use several different types of mints.

I don't want to use Tic Tacs because I think those are too small.

mall uh do you have um uh the rolled mentos not the uh the fruit flavor but the mint flavored

the original flavored one yeah not not the fruit but the mint yeah okay i think we're going to be

able to use those because they're going to have the sulfur that will react with the metal shavings

uh if they're inside so if you want to go ahead and just grab a roll of those

use the same one that i just tested or grab another one no no use the same one that you

already have open okay yeah we don't want to unnecessarily use another product if uh this

final test doesn't come out to verify the strip test and what just let me know when you have the

mints and i'll give you instructions i have them okay we're gonna go ahead let's see the two liter

that's 67 ounces uh hang on i'm just reading the table here okay that's gonna require four

Four. Four of the mints dropped in at the same time.

Okay. I know what happens when you put Mentos with a Coke.

Oh, no. That's an old rumor.

They actually fixed the formula on the Diet Coke, so that doesn't happen anymore.

It does bubble up, though, right?

No, no. It doesn't even bubble up anymore.

Yeah, they did away with that because people were wasting product, and it was causing a lot of damage.

Okay. So I get four of them, and I drop them in at the same time.

Simultaneously, yes.

Okay.

And just let me know if the color has changed.

It did explode a little bit.

Oh, okay, so it must not have did it all the way.

Okay, did it change colors?

It bubbled up, and then, like, half the bottle kind of exploded all over me.

Oh, it exploded all over you?

Yeah, it shot up.

So this is something you're used to, like a Bukkake shot?

How high did the blast go?

Not that high.

Not that high?

Okay, go ahead and grab another Diet Coke, and let's repeat the process.

All right?

This time we're going to put six in there.

Okay, hello?

He has many semen on his face.

Are you still there, sir?

I'm back.

Okay, and he can retreat to another diet coke.

All right.

And what we're going to do is we're going to wind the sleeve of the mints up to the mouth of the 2-liter,

and we're going to empty the rest of the mints into the 2-liter.

And just let me know if, again, if it bubbles up, number one, and if it changes to a milky color.

That's where it just came in, okay?

Yep, no problem.

Yes.

I'm back, sorry.

Oh, no problem.

Okay, yeah, this is the final test.

We won't have to go any further beyond this.

Yes, Richard Lips.

It's L-I-P-P-S.

Yeah, if you could line up the sleeve with the mouth of the two liter

and just empty them in there,

it should be more of a simultaneous reaction when they go in

rather than being put in by hand.

same thing's still gonna happen and i don't want to get diet coke all over me and waste a whole

nother bottle now this is diet coke right yeah it is diet coke okay all right and it's it's actual

diet coke it's not a knockoff brand because that that shouldn't be happening with genuine diet coke

yeah it is i poured it in a cup too just to make sure and i put another one of the mentos already

they had in the other bottle inside of it and it's still the same thing it's still bubbling

okay all right uh i've went ahead and checked uh apparently your your diet coke uh is acceptable

and you could leave it on the shelf for consumption okay so everything checks out

everything is fine anything

else i should know no that's it okay all right

i fuck you all right i didn't get a good reaction out of all the names covered in diet coke you

got that coke on himself at least hey you remember back in the day we used to get to fill mops up

up with gatorade and shit mop buckets oh yeah yeah yeah the mop bucket stuff was funny and then

we i remember once uh ice goose had the guy or throw uh for the mop bucket into the trash to

the dumpster in the dumpster yeah he took it out everything i tried to get one guy to pee in the

mop bucket and uh he's like oh i don't know where to go i was like oh is there a lady like he's like

oh there's a lady here i was like yeah give her a slurpee cup tell her to go in the bathroom and

peeing it real quick yeah i remember that and he did it she went there peed in it and then he

poured it in the mop bucket that was very prank prank you or whatever they're called prank net

what were they called yeah prank yeah well i'm getting tired it's 238 over three hours of show

and i don't know we've had fun we've gone kind of late tonight but i think that's it

thank you dwight i'm gonna let you go i'm gonna hang up no problem man no problem helping there

at the end

and through the show.

Touch you.

Yeah.

Greenbee,

you're out of here

on your ass.

See you, buddy.

See ya.

Faggot.

All right, everyone.

Well, thank you for tuning in.

I'm Carlito.

This has been Madhouse Radio

for May 31st.

How many days are in May?

Was it the 31st?

Yes.

May 31st

into the first of the month

of June.

My favorite month

because it's my birthday.

Yeah.

All right, guys.

So,

smell y'all later.

we'll catch you here next time I guess

I did the best I could tonight

honestly I did the best I could

I hope you guys got some entertainment

out of it MadhouseLive.com

is my website and be sure to

listen to the show 24

7 on replay

on tune in radio

on your Alexa device you can

say Alexa play Madhouse

prank call radio and listen to the

show repeats 24 7

I put

I stream it on YouTube every once in a while.

I might do that this week.

I can't do it too much because it eats up my upload bandwidth and stuff.

And it gets flagged for music because of the music in the episodes.

They get flagged.

It sucks.

Thanks, everyone who's watching on YouTube.

Oh, we had a lot of what they call Super Chats.

I want to thank you all for those.

Some other ones that came in that I didn't get a chance to mention yet.

Trump Tard donated through Super Chat also.

so his shout out was semen slurpy you have all right man you got it buddy i said it farpoint

station donated and said when was the last time you stepped in homer's poop dude homer came home

today from daycare i think he had heat stroke he was tired he was like throwing up throwing up water

he came in he drank water he went right to the water bowl and he threw it up almost immediately

then he laid down on the ground when he never does that he just plopped i was worried about

on him you know i was gonna put rubbing alcohol on his on his paw pads but i put water on his

paw pads to cool him off and they were warm when i touched them then he got up at one point and

then he's got a spot when he's gonna shit inside the house he's got a spot he goes to every time

he's smart it's in the kitchen it's away from everything he does it over there it's in a place

where we can see it when we're walking in and out of the house so we can get to it but we won't

step in it and it's not in the middle of the floor on the carpet and stuff so he went over

there and he did it right in front of me and my wife and he never he usually never will just poop

like that he knows it's not supposed to and it was it was a flood of diarrhea it was disgusting

so there's your answer i didn't step in it but i had to clean it up um that was a few hours ago

he's okay now he cooled off i guess and he's back up to his normal antics he's sleeping upstairs in

the bedroom i'm gonna be headed up there now to get my get my sleep on all right uh solidus dc

donated and said good luck on your quest to annoy the fuck out of people well thank you i tried my

best we did try our best trump tard also said banjo break during our break with his super chat

thank you thanks everyone who supported tonight sorry for the low energy on my end uh podcast

Podcast editing is progressing.

Look out for those coming up.

We're going to have a new episode of the Patreon-exclusive podcast soon.

Patreon.com slash Madhouse.

There will be an exclusive podcast for Patreon members only.

We'll be recording those pranks this weekend off-air.

Kind of excited about that.

On my own leisure, during the day, I'm going to do them.

I've got some ideas.

Wake up.

Ooh, I've got to wake up.

Ooh, I've got to shake myself up.

What am I still playing?

These sound effects.

Jesus.

Mission Control or something.

7-Eleven Mission Control.

Alright, I'm done. MadHouseLive.com.

Peace out, everybody.

Calls (30, 1 h 35 min of 2 h 36 min)

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