Tunnel Vision

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the main event of the evening.

As in attendance, and fans watching around.

Hey, everybody.

Happy Fourth of July.

Yeah.

Comedy Club is closed tonight, so I couldn't do stand-up.

Here I am doing prank calls.

I'd rather be at the Comedy Club tonight, but it's stuff for new people.

You know what I'm saying?

Music too loud?

Probably.

What I was saying is the Comedy Club is closed today for the holiday,

So you're I'm stuck with you guys, but I have hope you're having a happy fall. I am calling hotel five estate pineapple property

This is brand. How can I help you?

Yeah, I'm talking to you well ding dong I can barely hear you oh not this shit again I could fix it

hang on hello hello uh still pretty far away oh fucking okay you hear me now kind of you hear me

better sure all right listen how do you open the windows in this room um what room are you in uh

like 222 i believe um you should be able to open them i don't know well they're not and we've we've

We've got fireworks and there's a lot of smoke in here.

I'm afraid the fire alarm...

How do we...

Can we disable the fire alarm?

Hey, man, you're starting to piss me off.

Hello, stupid guy.

Man, the phone's all fucked up again.

Shit.

Let me try to fix it.

I have to restart the...

I found that turning off and turning on the mixer usually helps.

We'll see.

Anyway, hey, the phone line is open.

The mouth line.

405-396-6884.

You're listening to Madhouse Radio.

I'm Carlito, your host.

oh this is your first time listening where the fuck you been if you're a long time listener

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podcast episodes that are patreon only i'm getting there those those will those will be around don't

worry uh oh be sure to check out the hijinks uh chat room discord hijinks.fun slash pranks

where's dwight's fucking ass dwight mcclanahan where are you motherfucker time to get some

dwight on we got an obituary call from obituary man let's hear that we got a i got a craigslist

slide out uh add out there too for free pokemon cards dwight's fucking ass you guys like my hat

spent a dollar 67 on this hat it's made out of paper it's a cardboard fucking thing homer was

looking at it looking his chops like i want to tear into that motherfucker you know and i'm

wearing uh earbuds because i i can't wear my headset with this hat that's not going to work

out for long so pretty much eventually i'm going to take this hat off and put the you know the

the usual ear cans because i can't be doing this sounds weird dwight where are you dwight did you

oh i got his audio down i'm sorry bro what's up bro hey buddy what's going on bro bro bro what's

up oh jesus uh not a whole lot some assholes are shooting the fireworks outside so i can hear that

behind me all right did you watch did you watch trump's uh thing today uh yeah pretty good speech

i think it was a pretty good speech i don't like the guy you know the history yeah the history was

was pretty good everyone was fucking nuts when that stealth bomber went overhead dude like they

erupted dude you know how cool it'd be that i've never seen a stealth bomber in flight but that's

gotta look cool as fuck man that's oh dude it hit those two jets side by side and it fucking

eclipsed them because it's like three or four of those fuckers put together dude that stealth

bomber is fucking awesome looking as hell i wanted to shoot that fucking tank off that was right

there in the front ah yeah you know it was like powder project it just you know makes a powder

or boom like something like that flies in here that would have been cool yeah but uh but yeah

no i watched uh a good portion by the end though everybody was tired of clapping they're like boy

this is going on for a while yeah fucking clapping right clap clap get out of here

i kept watching this woman like it was just over his left shoulder like this really hot looking

lady was back there with her kid and you could tell her kid was like getting pissed and like

wanting to leave and the lady's like oh you know shut the fuck up and like making the kid chant

at usa usa and stuff it was hilarious making them chant like you're making her making the kid yeah

making the little kid damn all right action she's like be patriotic or i'm gonna leave you here

all right all right all right she's like be patriotic or i'm gonna take you to new york

and abort you jesus christ oh my god dwight mccranky hand wow all right all right so hey

look i got a pokemon you sent me fireworks let's i i sent you like around probably 40 to 50

firework shops probably kind of time sensitive most of them are only staying

open till about 1130 I see I got the first round I think yeah the ones

towards the bottom are gonna be more out West so you'll want to start at the top

of that list right right right all right all right all right honey just curious

is how long do we microwave the fireworks for okay uh let me check okay

hi hey how can i help you what was all that about sorry what was all that about uh what what's that

um i'm sorry i just got the phone how long do we microwave the fireworks for uh midnight tonight

yeah so how long do we microwave the fireworks for you don't microwave fireworks dude

yeah well i mean we're a flameless house here we don't have any you know how long if i want if we

wanted to microwave them how long before that is pretty good though we we don't believe in lighters

that's the devil you don't microwave the devil believes in flames yeah they're dangerous do you

microwave fireworks dude dude dude she went total valley girl there yeah man that was a fucking

fourth of july dinner with my in-laws and fucking my niece is there and she's had like uh pneumonia

pneumonia shit and they brought her she still has a fever i was already like what the fuck

did you bring her for my wife's like you know don't say anything now i'm feeling it in my nose

and shit man if i get fucking pneumonia last time i got pneumonia i got it so bad i ended up having

heart surgery to get the fluid out of my lungs and my chest my it was around my heart i had a

liter of fluid in my heart it was around that yeah my my dad had the same shit at uh at one

time he had a bad infection and they said he had water around his heart and they had to get all that

that shit out they left tubes in me to drain i had to come back a month like two weeks later to

get my tubes uh fucking your tubes get your tubes tied dude it was a liter of fluid they got it from

around my heart they called it a cardiac tamponade i was like i don't know if you remember i was

you know yeah yeah i don't remember when that happened i remember you told me your dad went

to get a massage or see the chiropractor because his back was hurting and the yeah yeah he uh the

chiropractor was like you should go to the hospital i don't know about yeah well he i

i had taken him to the doctor he had a doctor's appointment and fucking bitch like we're telling

her about it she's like oh you you just strained something you need to go home and relax whatever

and uh he had an appointment with the chiropractor the same day and he took him in there and he

started uh working on it i mean and he it was for just to touch him and like the chiropractor

was like he's he'd been working with my dad for years i mean fucking probably 15 plus years he's

like i've never told you this he goes but you need to go to the hospital and good sure sure

enough he uh he went in there and he was in there for like the next 10 fucking days uh because of

that infection and his doctor she was a nurse practitioner at the time told him just go home

and rest yeah i tell my doctor she saved my life because well like i had a doctor's appointment

like that just like that and i told her hey look i'm we got like this chest thing going on

she's like you know what you got pain and like yeah like you know what i was gonna have you get

an ultrasound just in case in case it's your gallbladder or something and i'm as i'm getting

this uh this ultrasound the the woman doing the ultrasound on me was sort of freaking out like i

could tell something was wrong she was like yeah we're gonna call your doctor like why it's like

well i can't make a diagnosis yeah it was crazy and then i went to the hospital my doctor called

me she's like they put my doctor on the phone actually and they said she was like yeah you need

to go they found they see a lot of fluid around your heart chest area i get to the hospital they

They did an ultrasound there.

They freaked out.

Like, as soon as they saw it, they started putting another IV in my arm.

And I hear over the intercom, they're saying, cardiologist, stat, bad number, whatever I was at.

So the nurse is starting to get shaky, and she's putting a second IV in me.

And I'm like, so this is bad, right?

She's like, well, it's not good.

We're going to have the cardiologist check you out because, yeah, you're probably going to go into surgery.

surgery they start pumping you full of more fluids it's like should i be having more fluids

oh since i already have all this shit around my heart yeah the doc the doctor was like um

are you having chest pain it's like no i'm all right he's like oh he's like he's like you really

should be having like chest pains like yeah he was surprised i wasn't in like a lot of chest pain

and stuff uh it was because i was high you know i was stoned out of my board his back and his chest

like it didn't fucking spread yeah see it had been going along it had been going along for a

few days because remember that weekend i like to sleep on my side and it was waking me up like you

know like i was waking up in the middle of my sleep like with like a chest thing you know i

got scared i was i'm gonna have a heart attack but then it would go away and i remember i would

cough and i couldn't stop coughing i was doing a show one afternoon with matt and i started coughing

i had to leave and come back yeah since i'm 2012 guys check out that show it's an awesome show

where i almost died anyway then you were getting in on my shows while you were in the hospital yeah

we kept hearing the machines in the back yeah good time good times you get you kept like white

they're like scratching your ass and shaking people's hands yeah and then i had all the ankle

surgeries after that now i got a fused ankle now i'm going to have another surgery i'm excited

again went lost surgery dwight you should do it with me come on let's do it together

i don't i don't i prefer to try it my to do it myself i mean i'm already down like uh like 80

pounds i did it myself i lost 80 then i've gained like 60 back and i'm like no maybe like 40 maybe

50 40 50 not 60 yes but you know i've got other issues that i you know and this will just take

care of diabetes to be completely gone you know lose weight obviously is going to be a good thing

and you know that's not that with the heart like what i just explained i'm always scared about that

coming back and shit gonna get the diabetes yeah yeah it cures diabetes like and they say like in

about two weeks if you get the bypass surgery it goes away so yeah don't you go through like uh

it's like six months of like trying to lose weight i got it wrong you got to do a psychological

psychoval yeah i got july 26th my first my first day on the six month diet and then two weeks

before the surgery i got to go on a liquid diet to shrink my liver so you know nice yeah great

a liquid diet so all i'd be able to have is brothas and stuff like that yeah i i looked into

it uh but i know a couple people that they didn't turn out really well from like one dude almost

died actually both of them almost died oh man because they had infections after the fact see

see that's what i'm worried about with my my history that's gonna happen i know one guy though

it was my ex ex-girlfriend way back in high school her her dad got it i mean he was a big dude he was

probably pushing 600 pounds and uh he did really really well on it but uh again he had an affection

after the fact that he had to get taken care of and then then yeah then he was just he was all

loose skin but he was an old man by then so yeah see see that my my friend was saying are you

You're going to get the surgery for the loose skin.

Like, no, I'll just keep it, man.

I'm like a badge of honor.

You know, I lost all this weight.

I'll cut it myself.

Well, you just wear compression clothing under your clothes and it can't tell.

You know, I'm married.

It's not, you know, it's not like I'm going to hook up with a chick.

It's like, oh my God, you know, it's my wife.

She doesn't suffocate your wife with the extra.

I'm going to put my belly flap all over on her face.

Like a nutsack, you know, like a giant nutsack.

I'm going to put it over your face.

You spread it.

I'm going to spread it paper thin and I'm going to put it over your face.

I'm gonna give her bat wings. Oh, man. It's gonna be great man. We'll be skinny

You're not fireworks well China

They got a local number and they transferred you to China. Yeah, they the Chinese did invent them, right? Yeah

They invent everything man fireworks Chinese fire drills, you know, those are good ones shit steal everything

Yeah, really, that's...

At least we made fortune cookies, fuck them.

Yeah, man, fortune cookies is our thing, right?

And General Tso Chicken?

General Tso is our thing.

Actually, it's from Hong Kong, I believe, or Taiwan.

Bro, I saw a documentary on General Tso Chicken, it was amazing.

Was it?

Yeah.

The show I was major, I'll look him up out.

Yeah, yeah, check it out.

It's on the Netflix.

I forgot what it's called, but it's all about General Tso Chicken.

You're a good daddy.

Hello?

Yeah, hi, um, we're wondering I'm driving around right now. Um, i'm seeing to have problem with the fireworks

What about them? Well, we're driving and i'm trying to light them but the the fuses don't seem to catch while you're driving around

Yeah, I won't we're we're trying to throw my uh at homeless people. It acts like the fuse is wet

Yeah, well, are these fuses wet or can we return these?

Uh, the fuse wouldn't be wet. Um, well something's fucking wrong

i wouldn't recommend driving around trying to light them in your vehicle oh hang on i think

this one's gonna light i mean yeah that's what you recommend but i don't know what to tell you

with that all right oh this one lit this one's gonna light oh did you see that homeless guy jump

yeah hey dwight light all those right there in the back the whole string do it harry come on go hang

on hang on oh it's a lot i didn't mean a lot of all am are you there still did you hang up

ignorant she did hang up ah bitch i don't feel my homeless people i'm with bum fights so hey

everyone tune in saturday dwight mcclanahan be sure before that you vote uh during the show

and vote for tunnel vision is the movie that i've submitted for us to watch a lot of people

have wanted to watch it hopefully saturday night we can watch the movie tunnel vision

It's where many audio drops that I use have come from like this one the asshole sound of the sound drop Jack

Hella couldn't really want to see it, but he only wants to watch in our movie night

He doesn't want to watch it without us. So please vote for that tunnel vision on Saturday. They also I'll sign on to that fuck

Yeah, I got your support. We got me you Jack us three already. You can pay off cat

Hi, honey. Hello. How you doing, honey?

Good we're driving around we're trying to light these fireworks that we bought but they're

I don't know if the fuses are wet or something.

They're not lighting.

I'm not understanding why you're driving around trying to light fireworks.

Well, we're throwing them at homeless people.

Yeah, I don't recommend that.

Well, I know you don't recommend it, but we can do whatever we want with them, right?

There's no law against that.

Yeah, you can.

There actually is a law against throwing fireworks at people.

But I'm not interested in continuing this conversation with you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I think that was the same lady.

Yeah.

yeah my bad i still don't get why you're throwing firecrackers at homeless people

wake them up man then you get get a job it's time for him to clear the streets come on hi

you've reached oc fireworks we will be here from 9 a.m to 10 p.m leading up to the 4th of july you

can call to see if we will be here for extended hours thank you please leave your well that's

what we're trying to do you're not on the phone bitch bitch bitch bitch little bitty bitch what

What'd you have for, did you have a hot dog today?

I had a girl today.

It's too fucking hot out.

Make a bologna sandwich?

No, I had a hot dog sandwich.

Nice.

That's awesome.

I also know there's a bologna sandwich.

Black bull fireworks.

Hey, brother, listen, we're in the car.

We're trying to light fireworks and throw them out the window, but the fuses don't light.

Hello?

Man, don't tell me it's that shit again.

No, I think he's just retarded.

Hey, stupid.

Sir.

Ignorant.

One of these days we're going to watch Boss N-Word, too.

They call him Boss.

Boss nigga.

Can't wait for that.

I've never seen that either.

I don't know.

The trailer is just fucking hilarious.

The theme song.

It's like he got abused by the fucking white people of town and then he turned around and

became the sheriff.

Welcome to Verizon Wireless.

Remember your dial.

It's like blazing saddles, but much harder.

Disconnected or is no longer in service.

If you feel you have reached this recording in error, please check the number and try

to...

Green D just fucked his hand up with fireworks.

Asshole.

that is correct i'm gonna have to pee soon sir it's okay i gotta drop some water out of my ass

oh really harry fireworks yeah listen we're lighting these fireworks something's wrong with

them excuse me we're trying to light fireworks but they're they don't we want to return them

we don't like them what are they i don't know they're like some crackers they're supposed to

fly in the air but they just make a weird noise hang on dwight light that one hey all right hang

on let me get the torch i like this fucking thing what do they look like i'm trying to figure out

They look like an ass.

They look like an ass?

Yeah, like an ass.

Are you talking about, are they blue ramp firecrackers?

They look like an ass?

Yeah, this is what they sound like.

This is not what we wanted.

We wanted a big boom, not farts.

A big boom, one of them.

What's this, a half bar?

Yeah.

Can we just put some gasoline on these and light it?

Will it be cooler?

Or if they put gasoline on them, will it be cooler?

Fuck yeah.

That's what he said, fuck yeah.

All right.

All right, we'll do that.

All right, so we got your permission.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

He's like, oh, you better get a better service.

That would be pretty good to piss them off is to call and tell them that we've already shot them off.

We didn't like the way they look, so we want to bring them back.

They suck.

Yeah.

They didn't go high enough.

They turned red.

I don't like that.

I like green.

I didn't know it was red.

I would have got a different color.

I want a green.

Green's my color.

All right, homo.

I'm going to do a play a prank call and take a pee.

I got to pee.

Sorry, guys.

i'm gonna go drop a shit then yeah all right man ah good i'm gonna mute my mic yeah please

let me find a good pranky call to play here stink guy for the one here's one that matt was

recently talking about we won't play the whole thing just you know a bit of it here oh it's

gonna mess up the music now we're gonna lose our place in this playlist shit oh well 4903

be right back buddies thank you for uh for carry out and i really did appreciate you giving me the

guy gave me the stink guy Morgan and you're giving me the stink I flash it

murdered like the daggers would say the evil eye but I call it the stink guy hey

lady why are you giving my co-worker the stink back it's

just not right.

Yeah, you did.

Yeah, hi.

I don't even know why.

I'm sorry to interrupt. This is Cross. I'm the district manager.

And my coordinate, Matthew, here, he says that you came in and you were giving him dirty looks

and you made rude comments when you came to pick up your order.

The stink eye, sir. The stink eye.

I got you, man.

What happened exactly? Why did you treat him rudely?

he's he's a person too he's a person too it's not my fault it's not my fault

i think we're gonna have to put this number on the um no sir yeah the is exactly the associates

at this at the domino store you went to we don't want your business anymore because if you're going

to come into my store and be rude to my associates and tell them dirty things and look at them rude

and be nasty to them and not tip them when you come to get your carryout you're supposed to tip

all these five dollars when you come to pick up a carryout order so if you're white trash

huh excuse me if you're white trash and you're not going to tip the the people at the counter

when you pick up your stupid pizza and we don't want your business okay so don't come

back this is a joke this is harassment do you want to do that i'm the manager of the

I'm a big person in town and you do consider yourself without pizza forever and ever I'm putting you in the computer when you come in when you come in when you make an order is going to come up on the screen it's going to say why trash from now on whenever you make an order and we're not going to

I'm sorry that's highly offensive why would you say that

Tell her welcome welcome to pizza now boss

Call people for that one. Do you need me to get you the number, stupid bitch?

That's who you get pizza from.

You have nothing better to do with your life than call people that just spent money at your establishment

to think that you have no pizza.

We don't need your money because we're too good for it.

Because if you're white trash, we don't need it.

How am I white trash?

Because you come in and you look bad.

You look bad at my associates and you treat them like shit and you threw the money at them.

Do you have proof of that?

You threw the money at the register

Stink guy

Stink guy said

Come in and look at the tape

We have a video and everything

I look at the video and I'm disgusted

Why trash?

That is a highly offensive word

But I don't appreciate you using it

Well, whatever it is

Maybe you're both of them

But you're not appreciated

And you're not accepted here in Domino's Pizza

We're a high class pizza

Italian food restaurant

From now on

You go to Pizza Hut

You go to Papa John's

You go to Little Caesars

She prefers to be called Native American, sir

Are you colored?

We don't want your people, you don't want your kind here

What do you mean by kind?

We don't want you people in our store

I'm putting it in the computer room, it's going to come up really big

Whenever you come order a pizza, it's going to say, check for capers first.

She got two sides of ranch to do some dirty stuff with it.

The computer is going to be like, eh, eh, fee-bop-fee-boo-boo.

I bet she puts hot sauce in everything.

I can't hand hot sauce. She only ordered mild meat.

Ranch dressing.

So that's it. You're banned from Domino's, this high-class Italian restaurant.

One more.

What was your name again?

My name is Cross. I'm the district manager for all the stores around here.

What's your name?

Cross.

Don't you bother calling anywhere in the state ever again because it's going to come to the computer automatically.

And you think that that's appropriate?

Yeah, we can put whatever on the computer because it's a private company and it's a free country.

Are you of color?

No, I'm not actually.

So you feel that using that word is appropriate for you?

It's a privilege to be born white and everyone that we hire...

Ma'am, it's not him using it. It's in the computer.

It's a thing that's in the computer.

Have you counted how many times he's said it?

Ma'am, it's all in order.

17 times, stink guy. 17. He said it 17 times, stink guy.

You should look at your receipt. That's what it should come up as.

We don't hire anybody but pure white, good Christian people here in this company, anywhere in the district. No white n****s at all. That's the 18th time I say it.

And everybody in the kitchen, the cooking, they're all women.

Yep.

And that's relevant because...

Because women belong in the kitchen.

Right?

Yeah.

All women are the bottom of everything.

Exactly. This woman here on the phone will tell you she belongs in the kitchen. Where you at right now?

In the kitchen.

Where am I right now?

No, we're talking to our employee, you retard.

We don't talk to women.

Excuse me?

Hey! I don't like when you say retard to people.

Oh, I'm sorry.

She's the one that gave me the stink eye.

She needs a man to put her in her place.

I'm still a person.

You know, Matt over here will give you a good dicken and show you, put you in your place.

And then we'll put you back on the order list so you can make orders again.

If you let Matt give you a good dicken.

So what's it gonna be? Answer.

She needs a man like the boss here to go to her place.

I'm telling you, I have a man, and I don't need to be in my place.

What's your man got to do with me? I'm not trying to hear that, see?

Boss, you should go over there with a pizza.

Ma'am, you sound like you're high. Are you smoking tonight?

No.

It's cool, we're just dry over here, so we're just...

Ma'am, you should smoke weed every day.

Yeah, we're dry, so if you got some, let us know, and then we'll hook you up.

Come over there and bring me some pot.

Word.

It tastes really good on the pizza, actually.

We'll put it on the pizza.

Drink beer is good for you.

I am the moon bear.

Beer and happy pizza?

Ma'am, you still haven't apologized for giving Laugh Track Matt the stink eye.

And for being a white nigger.

You need to apologize.

I do not need to apologize for that when you're sitting here.

You gave me the stink eye.

You should apologize for being boring.

I tried to serve, like, serve everyone well, and who gave me a stink eye?

You know what?

If you're not going to apologize, you enjoy that pizza because it's going to be your last.

Ma'am, can we get your mom's number so she can, you know, she can apologize for having you?

Can you what?

Get your mom's number so she can apologize for having you.

Yeah, who's the number?

Your mom or your dad?

Neither.

We can put it on your computer, so, you know.

Don't be ashamed.

Just tell us.

Come on.

Yeah, tell us.

It's cool.

We won't tell anybody.

I don't even know what the weak dick

I honestly

don't know your dad's number

the stink eye

well if she doesn't know her dad's number

stink eye is like those bad

that's what those bad people do

obviously her dad's not in her life

so that's the black guy

cause y'all know

the black guys don't stick around

both of my

parents are affluent

members of the black

that's it see boss that's why i told you all right and i'm back thank you just realized i left my

mic on you guys probably heard me farting because i far had a nice fart nice when you know a warm

fart you know how when you have a warm fart it's gonna smell that's exactly what happened

dwight you here still do i still got you yep he's still he's pooping he's dwight's busy he's got

some porcelain business he's attending to he may not be back let's call some hotels actually no

let's call about this pokemon cards not many people are replying to my ad i don't know what's

up what happened what happened they used to call all the time if you want to call into the show

you may 405-396-6884 please do call motherfucker you try it out you want to call in you want to

try it out man but you gotta fuck me you gotta fuck me if you're calling hi you call me about

pokemon cards yeah do you still have them yeah i do okay um that would be great if i could get

You know, my nephew, the moving truck was stolen and he lost all his cards and most of his toys not too long ago.

I got the fork.

Yeah, look, my kid, I caught him doing a very bad thing and he's getting everything taken away.

Was your kid...

Oh, Owen.

Yeah, he did a bad thing.

You know why I caught him?

He was watching the Trump speech today and he was masturbating while he was watching the president talking.

Oh.

That's disgusting.

Disgusting he was like looking at he was standing there with the pants at his ankles in front of the TV

He was touching himself. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Oh

Yeah, it's disgusting right yeah, and I asked him why he was doing that he kissed kissing. Oh, yeah USA like that

Oh, wow. Yeah, when you want to pick this shit up. Um whenever it's convenient for you. You want to meet at the Walmart's?

Yeah, that would be great. Um, which one are you close to?

The one

the one is i'm sorry the one you know no shit man come on i'm sorry i'm acting like that it's

having you know jerking and stuff because my son masturbated and it really upset me oh man man

you're back you push yeah sorry i didn't know you were in the middle of a call sir it's okay

i was doing the same thing so it worked out fine it just sounded like me doing it also

but in a more feminine voice she gave me stink eye and gave me the stink eye 4309

4903 motherfucker you all right let's go hotels now you've got no callers so far hun no calls

405-396-6884 the line is open dwight really wants someone to call in for some reason

No, I'm just saying, usually you've had a couple so far.

It's not like Brad's show when you call in and the motherfucker never picks up, you know?

Oh, I try to.

A lot of people complain.

When I first open up-

I gotta call in and I keep hearing, pussy good, pussy sweet, pussy good enough to eat.

Ain't no pussy good enough to eat.

Fish sauce.

Oh, I'm ready to celebrate 4th of July in style, I had to go get my gun out of the safe.

Oh, don't shoot the gun up in the air.

I'm not.

Look, we gotta call her now.

I hate her.

My mouse will respawn and I'll pick it up.

Hang on, caller, don't go in.

Madhouse Reader, you're on the air. Hello.

The following message is intended to wish each and every American citizen

a very happy Independence Day from all your British friends across the pond in the United Kingdom.

Back in 1776, you Americans bravely declared your independence from us,

and 200-plus years later, we're so very happy to see things going for you.

You industrious Americans have flourished and achieved the world's largest prison population,

The world's most expensive health care system and the national debt of almost 13 trillion dollars. Yeah, you're saying

Unemployment rates and the 20% child poverty rate

Creators can't read at grade level 1.2 million students drop out of high school every year and

24% of Americans don't even know what the 4th of July celebrates or from whom you gained your independence in the first place

So, America, happy Independence Day.

We're just tickled to death to see the whole independence thing working out so very well for you.

ComedyCalls.com

The preceding message was sent directly to your phone by someone you know, courtesy of ComedyCalls.com.

Was that even a comedy call?

Like, that was supposed to be funny?

It was just rude and nasty.

We saved your asses in World War II, British.

Yeah.

See what we do in the future.

Yeah, right.

Right. I guess it's a British thing to like, you know, I'm going to call you out on shit.

They're sore losers, basically.

Yeah, basically.

Yeah, you know, we only won that war because of the French, anyway.

And then we turned around and didn't help them out a few years later in their revolution.

Just like fucking Kennedy, not air support, with no air support during the Bay of Pigs invasion.

Because that's what we do.

Man, they're going crazy outside here with the fireworks going nuts.

My neighbors.

I couldn't have Homer inside here because he's barking at the fire.

He's not scared of them.

He's a brave boy one for electronics press 2 for pickup press that a pussy-ass dog for so afraid press 4

Speak to it. He's barking at him fresh. They were a fucker to repeat this bid you press star

He's a fucking caller. Hey caller. You're on the air boy

For farmers. Hey call you're on the air boy. What can I do you on that you on the YouTube machine?

You've got a funky feedback. I just fix it. Thank you. Thank God. Thank God. You're here

Hey, you look great, man. Happy 4th of July.

All right. Fart out to you.

Thanks for the heads up on the audio problem.

I'm a stupid. It's my fault.

Thanks for hanging up on me.

And watch out for those defective ass fireworks.

Oh, yeah.

It looks like an ass.

He's like, oh, you mean the big ass?

Time for fireworks in the Walmart.

Thank you for calling Walmart.

How can I help you?

Hi, I'm in the bathroom.

room and uh can you disable the fire alarm really straight up whore no i had to go get my

my side weapon out you appreciate your business because tomorrow we're going to look for uh

look at a car for my kid we might have some uh large amounts of money on us so i want my gun

just in case whatever for pickup press three for delhi because we gotta go past that shithole

Detroit associate press zero to repeat this whatever if you get jacked at gas

stations you just go out and get five dollars in your tank you get jacked are

you gonna shoot the tires on the new car yeah Tom we're gonna negotiate on the

price he's got flats we gotta get new tires that looks like this tires flat no

it's not you know that little Walmart Lee just hung up that's you walking

around curly don't mind him he's Chinese yeah he's Chinese that's Cosmo

he's chinese cosmo fucking movie that scene is insane that scene is so it's you know i love

long shots you know long with no cuts in it you know no cuts yeah that whole that movie has

several good ones let me take this echo off jesus that movie has several of them but that one right

there is so fucking crazy yeah and it's basically it was uh a version it was like a like like an

homage to the wonderland murders and there's actually a movie with uh i forget who plays

not dirk digler the the real life john holmes there's a wonderland movie it's a good movie

i reckon he played he played that same character in there oh who played who was who was who was

the batman after that no one ever talks about before to the opportunity to serve you and

Christian Bale?

No, before that, dude.

After Keaton.

He was Batman once, and he was really good at it.

He was in The Saint.

The Saint.

What am I talking about?

He was in the movie The Saint.

He plays John Holmes.

He did a really good job in the movie.

Val Kilmer?

Yes, Val Kilmer.

Mr. Clay had it.

Nice.

Mr. Clay, you get a gold star.

I don't have a gold star thing anymore.

But you would get it.

Old school.

cool i've got all these alerts that were trying to tell me you had double r'd a whole year when

i wasn't paying attention yeah that's my fault you know because what what is what i do now when

i take a break i start playing the replay machine and it it's just basically looping what's on

shoutcast so that you guys can hear the pranks that are playing on a break because during a

break i don't play music so it can go on youtube but the way it's it's long story it's my

responsibility to turn that off when i sit back down from a break and i always forget it and

And that's what happens.

And it happens at the beginning of the show because I forget to stop that player also on that machine when the show starts.

But then usually a kind fan of the show calls and says, hey, fat boy, you know, fix that shit.

Thanks.

I'm working on my hands and trying to get them rougher.

I was thinking about starting to pee on them like Alberto Pujols used to do.

There you go.

Piss hands, Pujols.

Carlito, we're almost exactly two months from the meetup.

Oh, I can't wait.

We're going to have so much fun.

Yeah, we are.

Well, I was sitting on the toilet during the break.

I was looking on my phone, cruising through Facebook.

And, of course, an ad pops up from Airbnb.

And it says, here are some Airbnbs in Chicago we think you might like.

And the very first one is the fucking one we have booked.

Oh, well, there you go.

I was like, oh, no shit.

That's the one I like.

That's why we booked it.

Hey, hey, hey, by the way, what's the venue that we're going?

Now I'm getting questions that I've confirmed for everyone.

September 7th, Chicago, Illinois

What is the venue?

It's not the Emporium, right?

It's not the Emporium

I don't want to release that right now

probably, but it's the same

area-ish

It's not a big change

It's right within the same area

In the Logan Square area?

Yeah

People are asking where they should get their rooms

Over by O'Hare Airport

By the airport area

Rosemont or whatever

Yeah, that kind of area.

All right, there you go.

But yeah, it's going to be in the same type of area as last year.

Just not the same because of...

I'm pretty sure that was the PLA fans that were sending pizzas and food.

Yeah, you know, we should have eaten it, bro.

It was paid for, I'm pretty sure.

But they were sending disgusting shit.

Like, it was stuff we wouldn't eat.

No such thing.

I could eat anything.

You could, too.

Come on, you're a big boy.

How big of a boy are you?

I bet you eat some jalapeno pizza shit.

I love jalapeno.

Jalapeno pineapple on pizza.

You'd eat that shit.

I do.

Don't play, don't play, don't play, dude.

I know you.

I don't play around, I don't play with pizza.

So what, we don't want to give out the place now?

We got to give it out at some point.

We can't just have people flying to Chicago and be like, oh.

Hey, honey.

Hello.

I'm sorry.

Hi.

Hi, honey.

Hi, you hear me?

I hear you fine.

Okay.

I'm in the bathroom in the back where Layway is or used to be or whatever.

Yeah.

Can you disable the fire alarm cuz I'm gonna light some fireworks in here

I brought them in I paid for them in the tent outside. I brought them in

I want to light some and I want to turn off the fire alarm

How do you I don't want you to fire the sprinklers to go off

You're not gonna do fireworks in the bathroom. Are you I am now don't do it. I already did

They're gonna arrest you whether or not

She's scrambling a team back there right now

Yeah, I just don't want to release it so far ahead of time because I don't want people fucking with the call ahead

We'll have to change a venue again call ahead like I'm

I'm gonna sacrifice go in the bathroom

I don't know probably that week. I'll change

change the event page

to the actual. But like I said, it's not

a big change.

Yeah, it's not.

If they just follow the information on the

event page right now, other than I think

the hours have been changed from like 2 to 7.

I'm probably not going to stay in

the Airbnb, but I'm going to hang because

I'm trying to

fit in some other stuff

around the same time with Andy.

Family stuff.

I probably will be staying in a

hotel. I don't know.

I think the old lady, I think Miss Carlitos coming for electronics. That's great. You guys get to meet her for pick

Oh, yeah to let her meet all the degenerates press all the fucking dorks to speak to associate all you phone nerds

She's excited me Brad. She's a big fan of the snow plowshares. She listens all the time. Yeah cactus

Yeah, we could DM the people or whatever for the group

But there's also a bunch of people that are interested and haven't confirmed yet. So like they would just be lost as fuck

Yeah, we'll get it out there. Just not so far ahead because like we said somebody I'll call in and say something crazy goofy

Like yeah, you know, like I said, I'm gonna do we want to do anal sex there or like we're gonna warn you about this

Hi, I'm in the bathroom right now in the back of the store. Her layaway is

And can you disable the fireworks the the fire alarm?

Yeah, it's starting to get kind of smoky because I'm lighting fireworks in here. Yeah

uh-oh yeah walkie talkie right there code seven oh dude you know what i did today all right i went

to a store christmas tree shops i don't know if they have them where you live and like in the back

of the store there was like a little station with a computer shit and they left the walkie talkies

they left a walkie talkie there so i got on it i got on it and went and i heard it like another

walkie talkie start the store and athena got mad she's like don't do that i'm like i wanted to

steal it so i could sit in the parking lot and say very crass things but she's like no

i did that i don't want you to have any fun yeah i did that at a kmart once i they had they left

a walkie-talkie on on the counter in the electronics department and i would i used to

like stop there and stay in the parking lot and talk shit to them yeah that was fun it was like

a yellow what you got their frequency you can just sit back there like oh motherfuckers it was

always on the frequency yeah when i worked at a call center this one time they got a radio shack

walkie-talkies to talk to each other the managers could talk to each other like yeah we need a

supervisor at this desk over here the customer's asking for a supervisor you know and shit like

that and i had the same walk the same exact walkie-talkies from radio shack i had the same

exact ones we used to use in them when we went to and lived in orlando when we used to go to

universal or disney so we communicate with each other and shit so i would sit in the parking lot

talk shit too i would say stupid shit it's like yeah i need a manager over here let's send people

for no reason oh good times man good times good fucking i used to do that type of shit with my

cb radio that i had yeah oh when my dad had the cb radio when i was a kid i got so scared because

um i just got on i got on the radio and i was talking shit and my dad was like you know the

katrisa and i got scared and i changed the channel everything then i went back to it and i heard it

It was like a black guy

I went back to

He sounded close

Whoever it was

Yeah

He sounded cool

Yeah

Oh

Good times man

See your radio shit

Let's go

These Walmart motherfuckers

Aren't really freaking out

That much about

You know

Fireworks

Assholes they are

I think their shit

Don't stink

I have to dip out

For about 10 minutes

And I will be right back

Appreciate your business

And look forward

To the opportunity

To serve you

In our store

For pharmacy

Press 1

Operator

How may I direct your call

This is the

Operator

Yes

Okay

Why'd you stutter

What's wrong? Oh, I'm in the bathroom in the back of the store. You know, we're layaways. Oh

She didn't like that. Oh

Try to call back she probably hang up and waste all the time, you know, yeah the other story my life

If you want to call in join the show 405 396 68 a 4

so is there a problem in the bathroom well i'm lighting fireworks and it's getting kind

of smoky in here and which one are you in in the back of the store the men's room i'm a man

i have a penis and two testicles oh that's very exciting thank you okay well i'm gonna let you go

oh i got a woman in here with me very exciting all right

Alright, I understand

The caller audio is low, I think I fixed that

Thank you for letting me know

Motherfucker

Alright, enough with the Walmarts

It ain't going down, let's call a hotel

speak that english speak english oh i'm sorry i thought you were telling me something in spanish

i can help you cabrona listen i i'm trying to get through to the front desk i don't understand

what the problem is with your computer something called her cabrona what you call it cabrona

I said I'd talk to Homer.

Oh, right.

Cabrona.

Pendeja.

No me jode.

Pendeja.

No jode conmigo.

Dom the Bomb wanted to join.

I added him to the call machine.

Come on, Dom the Coolo.

Need to join.

Oh, shit.

Someone was calling in the show.

My bad.

Your call may be recorded for quality assurance.

nature one of the world's thank you for calling the venetian for calling the venetian las vegas

my name is taisek and how may i assist you yeah hey listen how do you disable the fire alarm

how do you disable the fire alarm i'm sure where is the alarm sounding in my room no it's not

sounding yet i'm trying to avoid that from happening we got we're getting our fireworks

on you know ma'am you hear me hello there how's it going inside the sleep well i mean it's i mean

the fat's in the fire we got the fireworks going off already we're just trying to make sure the

fire alarm doesn't start going off you know are you slow yeah she didn't like that hey caller

you're on the air i added you to the call rudely i'm sorry yeah what's up hey what's going on

what's going on man it's jack heliquin man jack heliquin hey yeah what's up man i saw you oh yeah

Yeah, man.

Those videos of me talking, huh?

Oh, yeah.

I'm animating.

Yeah, there it goes.

Yeah, and the other one, I've been animating videos of you and Dwight all fucking day.

Yeah.

Yeah, man.

Yeah.

I appreciate it, man.

Much love to you.

What's up to the PCU?

Yup.

Yeah.

You coming to the meetup?

That'd be Chicago.

Yeah, you're coming to the meetup.

Yes, I am.

You're coming to the meetup either, yeah.

Fuck yeah.

Yeah, man.

All the clown making the shit, making everybody feel uncomfortable and embarrassed to be around.

Ah, it's been great.

Hey, I made an announcement so that hopefully we can watch Tunnel Vision on Saturday.

Yeah.

You know.

Hell yeah, damn it.

You know, we got you.

We got good votes.

We got like three or four already.

I think we're going to make it.

Take that off like Dwight says.

Back number.

Damn it.

Just got to hear someone do whatever you want to say.

She won't use her teeth or nothing.

That's disrespectful.

Man, my fucking niece got me sick.

I'm so pissed off at my sister-in-law right now.

Idiot.

Yeah, kids are good services.

Getting to get an assist, you know.

Yeah, hey, how do you open the windows here?

What do you mean windows, sir?

In the room that I have because we're lighting fireworks and starting to get smoke in here.

We're having trouble breathing.

So, what's the room number, sir?

It's like 227, I think.

Something like that.

And who is lighting fireworks, sir?

We are.

It's in the bathroom.

It's cool.

Well, sir, I don't think that should be a great option to be doing right now.

I mean, we don't have windows for that.

uh we just broke this one so i it is a joke or is it real just please inform so we can address this

it's a you know yoke what do you mean yoke uh what's your room number sir 227 something like

that what floor what floor we're up high well you don't have a floor number so i cannot assist

further so if you have that information i will appreciate i think it's the eighth floor stupid

Do you have the

This is I'm here down the cool. Oh, yeah

Get my soul. Yeah, if we can't wait just here with some rules

I do wait me cuz I don't hear something Mexican tea. All right. Here we go. Oh, man

Wait, so you can hear yeah. Oh, yeah. I hear you buddy. Oh, yeah, you know it. There's fireworks outside. There's fireworks

Las Vegas, East Flamingo.

Welcome to our hotel.

Please choose from one of the following four simple options.

For sales or group reservations, press 1.

Shit, it's like break time already.

And you know their extension?

Did you just go walk around the mall?

Yeah, we were both stoned.

We had my vape pen.

We were hitting the vape pen, walking around the mall.

The dead fucking mall.

We went in through Sears, and there was no one there.

We could have stolen anything we wanted.

Thank you for calling Xenostasis Floor.

What's your name?

Floor?

Yes.

I'll put you on the floor, you know what I'm saying?

How can I help you?

Sex on the floor is overrated.

It hurts your knees.

Is there a way to disable the fire alarm in the room?

No.

Well, we're lighting fireworks.

It's starting to get smoky in here.

I'm concerned that the fire alarm is going to go off.

Okay, but why would it get in the room?

Because we're lighting the fireworks in the bathroom.

Who's this?

My name is Kulu.

I shouldn't have said that.

Stupid.

stupid she ain't gonna say anything nice about me being cool my name is asshole yeah yeah i gotta

take that break dude it's 12 already kid what happened all right jack hey jack dude we're gonna

i'm gonna we're gonna smoke weed together in chicago or are you against the green uh i got

drug trust i can't do that shit oh come on man i'm gonna force it on you yeah force it up your

butt look at the man i'm gonna make you take it up oh yeah i'm gonna force it up your butt

The weed see Dom Dom care Dom if he goes you'll smoke with me. He doesn't care

We'll be hiding away this thing with Matt. So there's gonna be weed everywhere more than weed Matt. That's a lot of coke and stuff

No, he doesn't that's crazy. That's crazy. I should have a match with the game

Like no, I'm good man

Oh, you're breaking up a lot. What happened?

Metables edibles. Yeah. Nice.

All right. Well, I don't know where Dwight went. He went to go take a walk to cool down.

I'm going to take a break. You suck a dick. Hey, no, you suck a first. You suck a hard.

Oh, motherfucker. No, my, my, my, uh, clothes were done in my, uh,

shit from my bed was done. So I had to make my bed real quick.

Shit in the bed. I didn't do it. All right, let's do one more call

Down I just can't believe what time it is

Let's go get him again. Do I you want to do a hotel?

I'll do a hotel

Let's do it motherfuckers

Oh yeah

At the barbeque spot we were at

Fucking weird fucking place

Trying to find us

This call may be monitored

Or recorded

Please remain on the line for the first available hotel operator

We were at this barbeque spot

It was me, Matt, Strangelife, Justin

And WastedMemory

And then Justin went outside to smoke

And there was some dude tweaking out

And you fucking started doing karate kicks and punching the air

And then wasted memory walked out there and just started fucking looking at him

I know my own flow is foolish, so the rings and things bring them out.

All right, try another one, Dwiggett.

You say that you're checking a little bastard who's shooting off fireworks in the hall,

like some guy's kid or something.

Hey, Jack, you there?

Can you hear me okay?

Yeah, I'm here.

How's it going?

Yeah, I can.

I'm just very quiet because I'm used to listening to the show.

No, it's good.

The audio's good.

I'm just making sure.

You're on the phone line, so you can hear me okay.

The audio's standing up.

It's not an audio problem.

It's just stupid people on the phone.

Nope.

All right, I'm taking a break.

I'll be back in about five minutes. Probably more next Puerto Rican time

Jack when disconnect this year

Hello, hi, oh shit. It was not. Hey

Listen, this is pickup. Oh you want to pick up today? Hang on. Well, yeah, I need a pickup

I need to pick up. I need to get a pickup for plywood

plywood we don't have plywood sir i told you that before no but listen if i can just he's hung up

right up on me just want to confirm that this is a number that called placed a call uh a violent

call to uh a hotline earlier and uh we will be looking at the phone number and we will further

investigate thank you bye-bye oh no violent call she said she's confirming it's the number that

I love the violent call.

Hello?

Yes, this is the cuckold.

Hello?

This is Valente.

This is the cuckold.

Listen.

Listen to me.

I spoke to the operator, and I said I had to speak to, and they connected me to you.

I'm calling from the United States Phone Administration.

You under, excuse me?

What do you want?

I need you to confirm your phone number.

Yeah, I know, but you need to confirm your phone number, sir.

I'm calling from the phone administration, and you're using, your phone has been traced

as using an inordinate phone number.

So confirm the phone number now

Under the royal order

In the name of the Queen of England

Listen

You jerk

You

Hello

Yes sir

How you doing

Hello

Yeah I need to make an order please

Okay sir

What do you like

I like the chicken tandoori

Tandoori chicken

Okay

Uh huh

Like only breast

Or

Chicken

I like yeah chicken

Chicken spaces

Breast

How many spaces come with that

Uh

Okay hold on

Oh stupid

How many spaces come with the chicken?

How many pieces?

Spaces.

What types of chicken?

Tandoori chicken.

How many spaces are in it?

Tandoori chicken, it has two legs and two thighs.

Four pieces.

Four.

And then you make an order.

Are you taking on the order or do I have to go through the guy?

I'm going to take the order.

All right, one chicken tandoori.

Okay.

One pho.

I'm sorry?

One pho.

Pho?

Uh-huh.

What's that?

Yes.

Go ahead.

One chicken tandoori.

Got it.

One fuck.

Banchon.

You know that?

Forget me?

I fuck last night with your mom?

How many fathers do you have?

You have it.

I'm your father.

Five fathers?

How many?

Yeah.

You're more than I just had.

Trust me.

You know that?

Fucker.

Don't curse.

Please, don't curse.

Okay?

Can I still get that fuck?

You want the other phone number?

Thank you for calling the Thoratrack Santa hotline.

Radars indicate Santa has launched off from the North Pole.

The Norad Santa Tracker will be with you in a moment.

Norad Track Santa, this is Sergeant Mesa.

How may I help you?

you yeah sergeant mesa this is looking glass all right sir how can i help you this is good

confidence is high oh yeah we have three inbound tracks from the soviet union impact points what

is your state of readiness please calling again this is looking glass what is your status please

i believe you're calling a uh the norad uh track census site yeah exactly this is nor this is norad

and i'm looking glass and i'm carrying out an order an executive order from the commander

Commander-in-Chief, we have three impact points.

Three incoming traps from the Soviet Union.

Can I have a confidence-level report, please?

Now, is this real world?

Yeah, I need a confidence-level report, please.

Will you hold for one second, sir?

Okay.

This is a horrible idea, Carly.

You're going to start a nuclear war, and it's going to be our fault.

Oh, shit.

You're going to die.

We are at DEFCON 1.

I just placed the fucking Western Seaboard on alert.

Let's go.

Break in lunch.

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Yes, she's a long-legged, tough-knocked Puerto Rican.

Madhouse Radio will be back right after this.

Hello, can I help you?

Listen, I'm from the royal family, and the Queen Mother's coming down.

I need your best suite. Answer me at once.

I'm answering you, yes.

Address. Address me as sir.

When?

Saw Royal, say that.

Who am I speaking to, please?

This is Saw Royal Thomas Phineas.

Yes.

And you will prepare a suite at once, at the royal order of the Queen Mother.

I haven't got one.

What do you mean you haven't got one?

Our suites are full up.

Do you know who you're speaking with?

Yes, but our suites are full.

Listen, this is the Queen we're talking about.

There is no such thing as a full suite.

It's the Queen Mother, and the Queen Mother, I'm afraid, is dead.

What?

You told me the Queen Mother.

The Queen Mother is dead.

The new Queen Mother, you batty bastard.

The Queen Mother.

We haven't got a Queen Mother.

Tell your facts, why, sir, see?

F-you, you poofed up.

Queen Mother died in 2002, Reckwood.

Was it in 2001 or 2002?

Oh, my God, man.

That was a horrible prank, but it was really funny.

This is Wayne Blondie.

Is this the end, dude?

Because I found out on Good Word.

No.

My boys saw you, Team Blondie.

What chat room?

Some fucking web chat room, man.

No, I haven't. I don't go on those.

How long have you known that my girl's been doing porno shit on the webcam, man?

That started it out?

I don't know anything about this, man.

Because I know you're, if you're the guy that's running this website, so help me God, man.

I'll sue that I'm going to put on you.

Dude, hey, hey, hey, hey, could you please listen to me?

Hey, jackass, I'm calling the shots, alright?

Okay, can I please say something?

I do not, I know nothing about a webcam site or anything, okay?

I did not go on there.

Somebody could have put my number on there.

I did not, okay?

I'm 15.

I did not go on there, okay?

Thank you. Please trust me.

Well, I've traced your IP address. We got the proof on your IP, man.

I saw her doing something on video cam.

What happened?

It was some fucking dildo shit where I don't know where she got that.

Are you the guy that bought it for her?

Because she says some guy online bought it for her.

And I look at the screen.

They're giving her this phone number telling her to call you.

No. What happened, I know what you're talking about, but it was not me, okay?

It was on my computer, but it was not me, okay?

It wasn't you.

It was not me, but no. Can I explain?

blank. What happened? I was at school with my laptop. I started holding my laptop. I don't know

who, okay? Who's my laptop was, but they started giving, another person, somebody called me. I'm

trying to figure out what's going on, and they gave out my number to a whole bunch of different

people, and I'm trying to figure this out. So, you know. It says right here, look, listen. It says

right here. I want to blank you. I like to blank in doggy style. How old are you? I want to blank

you now. I blank you now. Do that. Yes. This is really my, this is really me. This is really

delete my phone number and it gives your phone number out right here okay that's definitely i

would i'd never say something like that sir i have something to tell you anson with dateline

mbc and we're doing a show about children breakup marriages well can i please well i didn't have

anything to do with this i didn't say anything like that um you know i'm gonna i'm trying to

find out who's doing this but porno dirty pictures on the computer machine no but i don't anymore i

did like a long time ago with friends but i don't do it anymore with friends so you got

together and looked at porno pictures on the computer it's like years ago years ago together

you looked at well we were together and it was like a pop-up thing because um because people

aren't supposed uh people your age aren't supposed to look at porno it was a pop-up that's like

buying um that's like buying cigarettes son it was a pop-up though there wasn't your parent picture

or not hey because i don't know i don't i don't know you don't know well you're free to go to go

Okay. Is anything, I mean, am I going to have to go through anything, or?

Well, you're going to, you're part of the report.

Okay.

This is going to be on NBC radio about predators like yourself who break marriages up on the internet.

Okay, well, I'm going to try to figure this out, figure out who this is, and I'm going to talk to him, because, you know.

Let me know, but.

Okay, if I find out who, if I find out who it was, I'll call you and let you know what I'm finding out, because I didn't have.

Okay, stop, son, you got it.

Talk to the DA and everything is going to be alright

What's the DA?

District Attorney

I'll talk to the DA and I'll smooth it over to be cool

Okay, thank you

Because, you know, I'm the guy on the TV

So I'll work it out, don't worry about it

Okay, bye

I gotta go, my mom's calling me

Until I say bye, alright?

Okay, bye

Madhouse Radio is live Thursday nights at 10pm Eastern

Why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you!

Fuck you fucking team of shits!

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com

You know what, I hope that when you die, they put your GPS in your box and a trapdoor at the bottom.

So when you die, you open a trapdoor at the bottom, you check the GPS, and you go straight down.

Madhouse Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

this mace you know i'm saying you got niggas that don't like me for whatever you got niggas that

don't fucking mace you got niggas that's mad because i'm always with they bitch then you got

niggas that just don't like you know those phd niggas you know i pop a lot of shit but i back

it up though see there's a difference a lot of niggas pop shit a lot of niggas don't make hits

it's like this old bad boy shit we come to bring it to y'all niggas me bi pop

uh i'm back oh that's not gonna work out the lights hang on echo turn the office lights white

too bright echo turn the office lights light blue shut up echo make the office light blue

yeah you do you whore echo make the studio lights fuck you bitch such a cunt echo turn the office

Office lights, light blue.

There we go.

That's better.

It's still dark.

Man, it looks as a bitch, ain't she?

Echo, turn the overhead light white.

That's a little better.

All right, there we go.

That's better.

Yeah.

Yeah, I got lots of lights in the house all hooked up, so smart lights can make it many

cooler.

So, like, you could shut the lights off on your wife, like, right now?

Yeah, well, she's sleeping upstairs.

I could turn them on on her.

Turn the lights on in the room.

She's going to get pissed.

Echo, turn on the bedroom light.

Oh, she...

It isn't responding because she hit the light switch on it.

Fucking dumb broad.

Oh, it's got to stay in one position for the Alexa.

You have to leave it on.

She's like, I don't know how to say it.

I don't get it.

She doesn't know how to say Alexa.

I'm a dumb girl.

Fucking women.

I know, man.

Shit.

All right.

Who's here?

Dom, you're here with me and Matt.

Did Matt join?

I added him to the conference.

Shit.

We got about 40 minutes left.

Actually, technically, we got like 38 minutes left.

That motherfucker is you.

Yeah, let's do this.

Let's do this thing.

My name is Mace.

Mace with the dollars on it.

Cho-cha.

I'm about to buy the bar.

That's my car.

Alright.

Wait, who would you like to speak with?

A hotel or a gas station?

Just go ahead and sandbag me like you used to do KDK.

Oh man, we played a KDK prank.

I played Dr. Lego prank calling KDK.

Rest in peace, KDK.

KDK's all scared.

it's like oh there's a billion shapiros in the world i look at porn with my friends it's like

i was like we're gonna call the authorities good

and thank you for calling like incident what's up this is michael i can help you

how you go yes sir microwave in my room i'm sorry why is there no microwave in my room

what is your room number i have 215. i have a microwave in the room in 215 what's your last name

is the microwave supposed to be in here yes wait a minute oh this is the microwave okay i was

confused I thought this was a miniature TV but you tell me cuz I'm trying to

heat up some fireworks cuz the wick the wick on them they got wet so I'm trying

to dry them how long should I put them in the microwave for well don't put the

mild open up firework in the microwave are you crazy

the way the wick got wet

Start.

Oh now it's 3-0-6? Are you messing around with me or what?

I'm pushing 30 seconds to heat it. Oh fuck, it's going off.

Oh, this fireworks is just floating.

I got all over the room with this.

Tell me 30 seconds.

Hey, what?

Control it.

Disconnect.

Okay.

Hey, uh, I'm asking you to come back real quick.

I got it this time. I should've.

Oh.

YouTubers report. Did I do it right?

It should be. We should have no, no funky miracles.

Mad Hatter was telling me machines. He said, machine. And I'm like, hey, hey, watch it.

hey watch it manhattan don't use the m word around here like that he was using it all derogatory like

he was a machine with air quotes machine to be fair he calls catastrophe machine too

pussy machine she calls it people yeah hey look i want to say i put the call out my neighbor

hooked me up he went to orlando he got me my puerto rican beer medallia light i got it right

here man it's hard to find they sell it in the orlando market now i'm really hoping it goes

national it's a great fucking beer if you're ever in puerto rico on vacation it's it's like a you

know it's like an amber kind of beer a lager it's nice it's good medallia light it's good beer

it's a malt it's a malt liquor this is the first beer i got drunk on in my life medallia right here

yeah you need to be able to have many of those once you start your diet machine

uh-uh i won't have any more soda my coke zero addiction i got my coke zero right here bro

i'm enjoying it while i can i'll get rid of that cooks here i'm enjoying it while i can but i won't

be able to use straws either homie no straws the fuck what am i gonna do straws i love straws you

know straws in my hand you can't have straws you can't use straws because the air gets if the air

gets in your stomach you're gonna sick yeah but after a few after like two years you can do shit

it all you want stomach pressures again oh holy gosh holy jesus holy jesus all right other other

mary how about another hotel for you there boy yeah yeah i say i say i say boy let me tell you

boy something wrong with the guy no don't no don't fucking heat the microwave no don't fire

words i got the stink guy from my sister-in-law once because her autistic son my nephew i said

said about him was there's something wrong with the boy like uh fuck on that corn she gave me the

dirtiest look like there's something wrong i said boy there's something wrong about a boy that don't

play baseball oh he wouldn't shut up today about what's a carnivore what's a herbivore and my

carnivore said no i'm an omnivore finally told him shut up shut up shut up about it

i love that kid to death but jesus god he just goes off

This is Melody, how many aces do you have?

I need some help with the microwave.

I'm in 225.

I got some fireworks and they got wet.

So I'm trying to heat them up in the microwave. How long do I heat them?

30 seconds or a minute.

Was that you with the Microsoft? Microwave sound effects?

I wasn't me. Is that Dominic the bomb? That was me. Yeah, good. Good call. Good call boy. I like that

Here's some numbers apparently it's me cheats as these are like direct dial numbers in the hotels

It's him cheese you end up one. Yes, cheats choach. All right, choach. Yeah, right. There's a couple numbers

Yeah, Tom, you gotta do some pranks bro. You gotta you know says those motherfuckers down right into the rooms

You gotta put your work in here boy. All right. I like how you fucking

the fireworks wet

like that urban legend where the lady killed her dog

in the microwave

I don't think that's a real story

I heard that back in the 80s

the dumb lady put her little dog in the microwave

that's terrible

I like how too when the fireworks are going off

the fucking lady's moaning

like there's a firework

in her ass

it's me choach

your call is being answered by the guest voicemail

The person you called is unavailable. Please leave a message at the end or press 0 for it.

Uh, yeah, it's supposed to be.

Da da dee da da da da.

Da da da dee da da da da da.

To the guest voicemail system, enter extension.

Yeah, enter your extension.

Yep, coming up.

Enter extension. Room you dialed.

Excellent.

Enter extension.

Gotta find a room.

Room you dialed. You dialed.

What a shit hotel

Thank you for checking in

Can you all let me know, I was seeing complaints during the break from the past that my audio was bad

because you couldn't hear me. Is that fixed now? I think I addressed that issue

The audio looks good. Far out man

Man, you gotta take some acid in it, it looks like a fucking ball.

I'm gonna get sick, I gotta do something about that.

Welcome to the guest voicemail center.

You should wait until the kid gets better, then go get the kid sick again.

No one is checked in to the room you dialed.

I don't know why she brought that fucking kid when she's sick.

Stupid.

No one is checked in to the room you dialed.

Stupid fucking woman.

No one is checked in to the room you dialed.

They just do the Dwight thing, they never check in, they just stay in the room now.

I dialed 108 now, second time. Why'd I do that? Stupid.

No one is checked in to the room you dialed.

Enter. No one is checked in to the room you dialed.

Alright, we got this hotel. This ain't gonna work.

Enter.

Yep.

Because his name's Cheech.

Fucking Choach. Come on, man.

Just a regular fucking hotel, then.

If you wanna join the show, 405-396-6884.

It's the mouth line. 405-39-MOUTH.

It's the mouthy bitch line.

Thank you for calling Boulder Station Hotel and Casino.

This call may be monitored or recorded. Please remain on the line for the first available hotel operator.

How can I help you?

Hello.

Hey.

How can I help you?

I'm right here in the room and my dad and my uncle, they're drunk and they're like, they're putting fireworks in the microwave, dude.

What's your room number?

See, they're right here, they're putting, my dad and my uncle are drunk and they're putting fireworks.

Hey, what's your room number?

They're Chinese.

What's your room number?

What's your room number, dude?

Hello?

Go jerk your pants.

I gotta go to jerk his pants.

He hung it up.

Hold on.

Rick and Morty Funk will pop up your ass.

I don't smell it.

Thank you for calling the Silver Cloud Hotel University District.

If you would like to speak with someone concerning hotel reservation or to speak with the hotel

operator, please press zero.

If you wish to contact our sales, in case the food holds.

Hi, yes, I'm in the room and we're trying to light some fireworks in here.

here but we want to make sure the fire alarm doesn't go off well i guess we already started

where we're in the room um yeah i'm here all right so yeah we want to make sure the fire

alarm doesn't go off how do we open the windows and stuff um that was um policy of no smoking

and that would be considered this isn't smoking this is fireworks correct no quit from the

fireworks there's smoke all in here though man it's hard to breathe yeah we're doing it in the

bathroom and it's starting to really get bad yeah i can transfer you to my supervisor and they can

The total dollar you spend. There's no limit to the number of points you can accumulate.

Here's your points for complimentary room or suite accommodations. Alaska...

Toilet? Okay.

What's your name? Toilet?

Toilet.

Toilet. Uh, it's a weird name. Uh, listen, we're lighting...

My name is Toilet, sir.

Toilet. Okay, we're lighting fireworks...

Oh my god.

Oh my god, don't curse! Listen, Toilet. We're in the bathroom, we're lighting fireworks, and we want to make sure the fire alarm doesn't go off.

Not allowed, sir.

it's too late hello how can we open the windows and stuff what is your room number it's like 211

hey lit we want to make sure the fire alarm doesn't go off there is anything we can do to

stop it because it's not allowed to light up fireworks in the room so it doesn't say that

when we checked in no one said that it's the 4th of july it's not allowed anywhere

Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh

Hey, look, I found a whole bunch of fireworks that I forgot about in the bathroom

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

You there?

What happened, Toilet?

This is Flora

We got fireworks going off here

Floor, another Flora

I already talked to Flora

Toilet? Toilet?

Toilet

This is Charlotte

Oh, I know a toilet when I hear a toilet

Oh my god

And he called me Toilet

Another hotel, here we go

Is that the down south motherfucker that keeps coming up?

I don't know what's going on downtown, how can I help you?

Hey boy, how you doing?

Good, yourself?

We're lighting fireworks in the room, we want to make sure the fire alarm doesn't go off.

Yeah, they won't go off.

They won't?

Yeah, in the bathroom.

Where you at?

2-15.

Lighting them in the bathroom?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm a fucker.

I'm going to fart.

Fine.

You hung up.

You're on the air, go ahead.

Yeah man, I'm laid up.

Oh man, you're laid up?

I'm sorry to hear that.

Yeah man, badass, you need to get me on one of the calls because I'm going to show you

the skills.

All right, show me how you want me. Can I help you out? Yeah, totally. I'll connect you now. Yeah, man

You're a this is like talking to a fucking celebrity because no, no

Fat loser. Oh, come on. Do you make me fucking laugh? Okay myself

What do you want to share? What's wrong? Why are you laid up? Are you all right? You got kidney stones?

I got one dude because I work three what I do like windows and I work say private name, right?

Can I say Microsoft grocery? That's a cool. So a grocery store. Is it Albertsons? Yeah, and I fucking go in there

It's a straight product on there to go my area. Yeah, man

And I got OC so I'm like really really good at it about it. Yeah, nice

I'm a musician. So so you're laid up because of that. Oh shit. Yeah, fuck it

Well, I mean all of a sudden having some I'm sorry to hear that bro. I fucking can I believe honestly, sir?

Are you gonna get it? Yeah, are you gonna get the surgery for the hernia machine? Yeah

Hell yeah, dude.

You got to.

And here's what they do.

I'm like this.

My mom's like, you need to stop being so brave.

Yeah, but you know what?

I've had a car date surgery.

Well, good luck to you, bro.

You're going to be all right.

Take your meds.

Don't be.

Yeah.

Don't try to be a tough guy.

I'm a prank call artist.

Yeah?

Good.

Yeah, hell yeah.

Is the hotel good?

Good with that?

Yeah, what do you want me to be?

You got it, brother.

You do.

That sounded kind of sexual.

So you used to do like merchandising stuff?

Like merchandiser type position?

You used to do merchandiser kind of position?

calling the quality unit suites on bainbridge island jasmine speaking how may i assist you

hello you're on caller hey happy fourth of july by the way very nice are you uh you guys doing

fireworks or they said you guys were gonna have a show and do that it's like i was gonna come in

and i had like uh to see if it would be okay give them to the kids on the sliding fortunately no

fireworks are allowed on our premises right yeah but it's because it's like we're the local baptist

We have no fireworks allowed on our premises whatsoever, sorry.

You're not anti, like, you're not anti, like, Jesus or something.

This has nothing to do with religion, it's a fire hazard.

Right.

Would anybody like to give a little more coal to Mike?

Is there a question?

Yeah, you have someone above you, so let's just go, no, no, no, no, no, no, listen.

Do Jerry and Jerry have a supervisor?

What may I help you with?

Do you have a supervisor?

Yes, sir, that would help me.

Let me, you, are you still doing the night, are they doing like that?

It is currently, I'm not sure, she is currently enjoying the 4th of July with her family.

Is there something that I can assist you with?

Alright, so the sparklers still good?

No, there is no fireworks allowed on their premises whatsoever.

We come up.

Whom?

We got the July machine calling.

Okay, that's great, but there's no soliciting on our property, so if you're not staying in a room here, I can't allow you to knock on rooms.

You can drop them off in our lobby, and if there are children checking in, we are able to hand them out to them.

Right. Missions, work, people be out. And we don't want people speeding on the highway, drinking, doing the general thing that people do.

We're going to do the sparklers, but you've already killed our spirit.

Do you know who you're speaking with?

Do I know who I'm speaking with? I don't know you.

No, but I know that we had a conference and we had people in there.

We don't have a conference.

No, no, no, no, no. We had a conference somewhere else.

What are you asking me?

$10 bill and we drop them. We get in the hotel, the conference, and we just thought, hey, you know what I'm talking about?

Yes, sir, I understand what you're stating. No, we are not allowed to have any kind of fireworks on the premises.

You're welcome to have whatever you'd like for...

You're very good.

Can I light my farts on fire?

Yeah, this is my assistant. Yeah, this is Pastor Jerry.

Can I light my farts on fire?

Yeah, I do, okay?

Hey, boom, buddy.

Yeah, you did alright. Yeah, you did alright.

Man, don't worry, man. No stress.

Hey, caller guy, what kind of music do you make?

man you need like a thing that i like so it's like fucking top gun you're maverick i could be

goose but i don't fucking die don't die man so you know that you can call me that you know yeah

bamboo dude i understand why ice man didn't get court-martialed and thrown in the fucking

in fucking uh you know military prison because it's his fault well that goose you know why because

later later hollywood fucked the ass he didn't do any more movies so don't worry this is bullshit

Bullshit. Ice, not Ice, yeah, Ice, Iceman should have been court-martialed and found guilty for causing the, the, the, the air accident that killed Goose. Bullshit.

With the machine, with the machine bullet.

That's bullshit, I wanted to tell you, dude.

And even, and even after that, he kept fucking with Maverick.

Like, you know, it was like, dude, like, his wingman died because of your fucking ass getting in the way and your jet wash, and you're still fucking with Mav?

Like what the fuck man fucking guy. I'm glad he got off

I don't know why do you really think it's true that like I drop out of the sky

It hits the head like under have you seen that uh-uh blue ice six feet under is the best fucking series on HB

I've heard good things are six feet under so they say that blue ice can fall from the sky and kill you

Yeah, that's right. Here's what happens, right?

Toilets and planes?

Yeah, folks get out of the plane and the lady like throws them a line

I think so.

I think they usually only do...

They only release it over the water, I think.

I don't think they try it.

I don't think it happened, but, like, it dropped down...

I've heard of it going through houses and making serious damage and shit

when they've accidentally released it.

Yeah, I've heard of that before.

Shit?

Yeah, the...

No, man.

The shit water freezes into a big ice ball and it goes through a house like a...

You know?

Yeah.

So, basically, you got killed by...

Well, piss.

Probably more like piss.

Yeah, so, basically, you got killed by fucking piss.

frozen piss yeah there might be some shit in there and then

yeah yeah then mr poor woman dies bye all right man well i hope you feel better go look with the

hernia thing you know like don't be a tough guy take your pain meds just don't get addicted you

know i'm gonna try but i can't i don't like laying around dude but i was like you know what the fuck

i was looking up apks and shit like i would have felt like my call but yeah this is bamboo dude

all right dude well thanks man good luck to you don't be a stranger oh yeah uh dom wants to talk

to you go ahead i want to know what kind of music you make i want to check it out i make all kinds

why marketable because i just play everything i gotta can just listen to the song i have like

anything up that i can check out or anything like absolutely i just don't know i don't know if i

can do that over the airwaves because some dude like threatened to murder me like last

message girl for watching my videos because i do like a live stream on facebook i was getting up

Hell yeah, that's what she touching it. I got up. I got up to go to work. I think the message you do

Yeah, and then I think this guy's fucking on and he just yell and

he goes my life and now I'm gonna ruin yours

Yes, I know where you

Are you doing this making me?

This girl on check it's not your responsibility the fuck yeah, I knew that you

that too much i said dude i'm gonna tell you something right now so you ever see that movie

john wick your daughter's in this house and so is my wife and he's fucking threatened three people

so you know what he's like all right and a guy yeah and family he's dead now he's dead now you're

having pussy problems yeah dude that's your problem you know you gotta keep your hose in

check don't fucking blame the musician over here you know all you're doing is making me

i'll just like you know what people say you sound like milkman they think i do yeah you kind of do

You got a I don't know. No, that's pretty fucking cool though, dude. He is but yeah

A lot of baggage comes with him. I should let him back on the show

Excuse me talking to his old ass. Yeah, I talked to him not too long ago. He's all right. Oh good. Tell him fucking

2020 bitch 2020. Yeah, everyone meet up. Hey dwight man. You're fucking awesome. Why was he not there?

All right caller gonna let you go. Thanks, bro, man get better

Hey, if you want some information on my music or whatever and get you a link, you can email me.

Yeah, you can give the link out now if you want or anytime.

Yeah, let me know.

Just email me.

And based on this murder thing, this fucking idiot that did that.

But it's CFTheMail.com.

Okay.

Just email me and I'll give you the link.

Yeah, Psycho's out there, dude.

I know.

Trust me.

Yeah, true.

So me and John Lennon, hey, keep your thing going, dude.

I love you guys, man.

you guys are awesome all right bro take it easy see you man happy fourth of july bro all right

yeah you too uh hey i want to get you say be a john lennon yeah john lennon don't die you know

don't get shot strawberry fields forever but he got shot uh yeah that lens dead yeah you're right

so why would we want to be like him dude he was a legend even in death in death he's still a legend

spatially oriented donated a super chat an odd number 533 i don't like odd numbers man can you

make it 534 or 532 because that's gonna fuck with me and i like nice even numbers like two

maybe one of those guys that turns the volume up on his tv and it's got to be on an even number

uh yeah actually i gotta eat things in twos especially like if it's like a snacky thing

like fries and stuff or cheese curls i gotta eat them in twos it's weird like i want to go i'll

I'll go through the whole bag in twos, and I hope that at the end it's an even number of, you know, that there was an even number in there.

If it's an odd number, I break the last one in half and eat it in two.

It's weird.

My wife makes fun of me.

How about pussy?

Eat it in two?

Yeah, eat two pussies at the same time.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, right.

Fuck, yeah, spatially oriented.

So thanks for the life show.

Damn it.

In the super chat.

You got it, motherfucker.

You, yeah.

It's one o'clock.

We're done.

done i'm done that i know that much i'm done uh i don't know what else to say thanks everyone for

tuning in tonight madhouse live.com is the website sorry for the audio issues i'll keep working on

that you know get we'll get it better there's a caller is there a caller calling no there's not

all right show's over guys madhouse live.com uh follow me on social media on the twitter and

facebook links are over there in madhouse live.com also tune in when the show's not live

live broadcasting 24 7 you can check the show out i want to thank everyone who watched on youtube

today everyone who listened to the show on mixler thanks mixer for working tonight i appreciate that

patreon.com madhouse is also much appreciated if you head over there and donate and help out

support the show and shit all right i'm starting to get tired it's fucking sick i'm gonna get sick

now god damn all right dwight see ya and you're gonna be on saturday night everyone tune in to

him 10 p.m eastern saturday night dumb the bomb any idea when you're doing a show again you can

spread the word now if you like next friday all right next friday not this friday not next friday

you did a show today all right disconnect you guys see you later bye-bye thank you bye

all right everyone be sure to vote for a movie night saturday night during dwight's show vote

for tunnel vision that is my recommended pick i really want to watch it with you guys

catch you next week friday next week see you then

Calls (28, 1 h 8 min of 2 h 5 min)

Transcript

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