Buzzzz
13 Jul 2019 · 50 min · 5,021 words · source
Calls (13, 25 min of 50 min)
- Hobby Lobby asked to bring in a bed live 2.6 min clip ↓
- Hobby Lobby tie return dispute live 2.0 min clip ↓
- Racist barber shop asked about service live 2.9 min clip ↓
- Electrician with violent CDL voicemail voicemail 56 s clip ↓
- Pizza place ordered medium General Tso live 5.1 min clip ↓
- Tina's Pizza and Pasta order live 1.3 min clip ↓
- Garrett photo session request live 1.4 min clip ↓
- Garrett photo session confusion live 1.6 min clip ↓
- Cross car problem and number source live 1.3 min clip ↓
- Car repair shop about car noise live 1.1 min clip ↓
- Lowe's automated menu ivr 53 s clip ↓
- Lowe's lumber department live 2.8 min clip ↓
- Boston Mayor at Long Wharf Hotel IVR menu ivr 1.1 min clip ↓
Transcript
This is the American Forces Vietnam Network.
Damn it, woman, I tell you what, you listening to me?
Mexicans, man.
Except for, like, Donald Trump.
I'm in the streets listening to Madhouse Live.
I hope my speech can't compete with that bad mouth style that we get from Carlito.
That's my big amigo.
So just kick back to listen to this cat call.
People, when this show goes live, I feel like, damn, this shit's bitchin'.
Stop whatever I'm doing to tune in and listen.
Catch me in the back of his home at Horse Machine Ranch Road.
I'm busting mad fat for the asshole man chose my spit crazy. Shout out to big Amy. That's nice, honey, baby
We kissing pussy some ladies touch your labia. It's crazy
Have the stuff that my bruh might say to you number one prank ass
It's bad if you can't handle all the straight laughs that we hand to your dome
And if you want call the number you can even be a guest on the show
Is this the Mexican circus?
This is the Mexican people circus?
I want to jump.
It's just me, I'm 40.
I want to jump!
Oh man, how are you not going to let me jump?
Don't they have an adult night or something?
Don't you have like an adult night or something where adults can jump?
We are a kids place.
I'm jumping right now, up and down.
Yay!
Well, that's outside. You can't jump inside the store.
Yeah, I'm jumping on my bed in the hotel room.
Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Oh shit!
Oh shit!
Help!
You're a fucking rat.
Hello!
He's jumping right now. He really is.
I mean, that's what she was talking about.
Jumping.
Hi.
I love jumping.
The end.
Hmm.
Okay.
Jumping, everybody!
There's a Jag TV sex tape?
Nice.
I got audio of it right here.
Sounds like Jag, it does sound like Jag
I have a feeling that is Jag TV
Yeah, this does sound like Jag
That's what he does after he blow dries his nut sack
Alright, Jag TV
We did a show this week, that was fun
We've reached Wonderland of the Americas
Our office hours are Monday through Friday, 8.30 to 5.30
If you've reached this message during office hours
We are helping a customer.
They're closed!
It's alright, I'll find a mattress store where they'll let me jump up in.
They're calling Hobby Lobby in Pittsburgh, how can I help you?
Hi. Hello, Hobby Lobby?
Yes. Okay, I'm gonna bring in a
bed to the store. Okay.
Okay? Okay. Alright, can I
back it in, like, from the back?
Alright, I'm gonna bring it inside the store.
Okay. I love to jump up and down
on the bed. Okay. Yay!
I'm doing it now. Yay! Okay?
Okay. Alright, you wanna jump up and down
on the bed with me you're just gonna sit there like a stupid that's a stupid idea
what's your name flabby abigail flabby flabby abby no sir flabby abby hey um is there a way to
disable the fire uh alarm inside the room uh for what room number uh 115 115 yes he said what is
what is it again the fire the fire alarm because i'm lighting fireworks and it's starting to get
smoking here and i don't want the fire alarm to go off you're lighting fire alarms in the room
fireworks in the bathroom i think you should do that sir in room 115 you said yes i don't even
have nobody in that room well i the door was open i just opened the door and opened you know um are
you sure you're calling the right hotel because this is howard johnson yeah it's a stupid hojo
yeah i know i could send i could send um officers over there as well no don't you dare i just need
need the fire alarm taken out like disabled from the computer okay but nobody's in that room which
side are you in uh-oh now we got we got a glass problem in here now officer call me man man
officer call me man hey you dirty monkey you you i'm just kidding you're not a dirty you're a very
clean one but for the third time let me leave this obituary randy walker better known by his
His stage name, Stretch, died November 30th, 1995, after being chased by at least two men in a black car when he was shot at least four times, crashing his minibus.
Stretch was an American rapper and record producer who was a close friend and collaborator of Tupac Shakur.
Bringing in his music videos, he will produce songs on the albums Apocalypse Now, Strictly For My Niggas, Thug Life Vol. 1, and the scrapped album Troublesome 21,
from which most of the traps were later used for
Me Against the World and Are You Still Down, Motherfucker.
Yeah, motherfucker.
Motherfucker.
Okay.
Who we call now, guys?
I don't know.
I'm doing a show.
I don't know why.
I'm just kind of going through the motions here.
I didn't feel like doing a show yesterday, so I postponed it to today, and then as day
went on today, I was like, I don't want to do a show, I don't know, I'm here, whatever.
You guys are happy I'm here, I'm sure.
Whoopsie, who do I call now?
Looking at the list, the map, rather.
rather wait to sign mark this is kettle i'm that director call your name is kettle oh yes kettle
you're big as big as a kettle like a big porky kettle like nice and round there you go that's
what it is right all right so hey i got a tie from you guys i don't like it uh i didn't pay
for it though like i just walked out you know i tied it on my shirt i'm around my neck and i just
can i change this trade to send without a receipt no sir my wife is real upset because it doesn't
match our the outfit well i apologize that she's upset about it but since she did not pay for the
item you definitely cannot return it well this is an interview it's an important interview i've got
uh you can come in and buy a tie that would match certainly we have a wide variety no but i mean if
If I bring this one back, you know?
Yeah, but the tie was not purchased.
And though I appreciate your honesty, we are not going to give you another tie.
You would need to purchase the ties that would work for your interview.
Work for my interview, I get it.
No, I think I'll just come in and trade it off the rack.
Do not do that, sir.
Do you have any Tom Ford ties?
Not at this location.
What brand ties do you have?
Speak with somebody else and they can give you all the details on that.
Am I playing Sean Brayfold?
Who is it you're transferring me to okay? Hurry up. Hi. I will one moment move it. I think we'll let go
I love sky. There's a business here called semen. Yeah, motherfucker
Big Ethan, how you doing? Good. Are you pretty good? Good to hear you
Do you have a bad echo at all anything that you know about do what now? Yeah
Do you have an echo at all? Are you getting an echo of yourself or anything? No, I mean, it's perfect
How do I sound good? You sound good?
man i just saw a business called semen yeah semen yeah semen yeah semen yeah check out those numbers
oh where are they in facebook all right let me get over there summertime sensitive time sensitive
all right i got them request uh racist barber black man owns it only lets black people get
their haircuts okay i think they close at five probably call that one first you try to go in
Uh, I got, like, a really real vibe.
Like, everybody was staring at me kind of thing,
and I first saw people, like, turn people away before.
Wow.
Yeah, like, I was the only white guy in there, and, yeah.
And I had friends that went there, and they weren't, like, refused to serve,
but, like, they waited for, like, over two hours,
and, like, other people came in that were black,
and they got, they came in after heated, and they got their hair cut, you know.
Well, you know how those people are.
Homer, what are you doing?
What are you eating, boy?
Oh, please hang up.
He doesn't even pick up the phone for white people.
Well, Puerto Ricans.
Yep.
Eh, pretty white.
Yeah, I know that.
You certainly couldn't pass.
If I had no idea you were Puerto Rican, I couldn't tell.
Yeah, you said I was the whitest Puerto Rican you'd ever seen.
That's true.
There's some other Germans on that list.
Hopefully they pick up.
Looking for a licensed electrician with a violent CDL.
How do you reach Sandy with that?
Please leave a message and I'll...
I guess I should do that.
Yeah, then try him again.
It's very close to the caller ID I was using the area code.
Oh, gotcha.
But nah, it won't work.
Sir, I can't make it to your wedding, man.
Oh, that's all good, man.
You know what?
Maybe her and I can come out to you.
Yeah, just with the Chicago meetup and everything,
it was kind of hard to get that all squared away financially.
No, that's all good, man.
Yeah, we'll come out and see you one time.
Come out and see me.
The Reels with Seminia Dance Studios,
now located on 100 Crossroads Boulevard, 78201.
Cross.
We're excited to be your source of dance, nutrition, and wellness.
Please feel free to leave a message,
and for a faster response, text message me.
Thank you.
Fuck you.
What number was that?
That was a different one I had.
I'll go back to yours now.
Sandy with the Nikon Corporation.
Please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible.
Try the fucking pizza place.
Fuck it.
If you won't.
Yep, I'm doing it now.
I want to see this pizza and pasta.
How can I help you?
Yeah, hey.
Can I get a pizza machine?
What can I get for you?
I want one plain pizza, one plain pizza.
One plain pizza, one cheese pizza.
So you want one plain cheese pizza and then another plain cheese pizza?
No, I said I want one plain pizza and one cheese pizza.
Ignorant.
uh-huh okay okay and can i get a name yeah my name is yeah yeah yeah so great wall chinese she hates
it when you ask for medium-sized portions that's what she puts out when i go in the past i'll uh
like call it like a legit order like not a small general style a large whatever yeah and then i'll
drop in a medium like medium like halfway through and then she'll you know aren't you afraid she's
gonna do something to your food i wouldn't i wouldn't mess with you yeah hey i like to make
an order go ahead all right like uh one medium general so chicken medium shut up i want one
medium general so chicken we don't do medium what do you mean you don't do medium it doesn't come
in the medium we just don't do medium when it comes to a larger combo you do you do what i say
i'm the customer that's not how it works no this is how it works right here listen one my general
so chicken but i want a medium dude we don't do that dude i don't want it that spicy i want a
medium okay if you don't want it spicy we can take out the spicy medium asshole don't do it
that's what medium is are you ignorant medium is the size medium is a flavor the flavor yes
it's an intensity how are you gonna tell me what you can do and what you can't do you don't even
know what medium means and you're saying you can't do it i'm talking about the size why why
you're size queen you're like obsessed with size okay i don't know what size you want we can't
make an order i thought you hung up ignorant you know what you know what's medium your brain
So one General Tso chicken sauce on the side
And what side?
Medium
Size
Medium
Medium is not
I thought you just said medium was the flavor
Medium is the size
Medium is the size
So then what
So then you don't want it spicy?
Put the woman on the phone
Put the woman on the phone
Second
How?
How medium is in between large and small
Chinese food is no medium
Just small or large
Pine or quad
Stupid
You're stupid
Are you stupid?
be you listen you take a large you take a small and in between is a medium okay we're the restaurant
okay we decide what we put i am the customer i decide i am the consumer it doesn't matter if
you're a customer regardless i'm gonna tell everyone you're saying this i'm gonna tell
everyone what we put on the menu is what you order we just don't do it well this is a free
country and if i want to order medium i can order medium that's not how it works it's a free country
i just did it what's gonna happen is the great dragon gonna come and burn me up and fire
so I could go to a bank and say
I want $100
because it's a free country
you can, you can say that
just like I can say I want a medium
you can say you want a medium
but we're not going to serve a medium
you just don't do that
alright well don't get upset at me for saying medium
I'm not upset
you said shit motherfucker to me
and you said that the great dragon was going to burn me up
you said the great dragon
you people pray to the dragon
don't you
pray to the dragon
call the banks
I've never heard that guy answer the phone before.
Must be the son.
Must be.
You know how those Chinese women are about their sons.
Hell yeah.
Tina's Pizza and Pasta, may I help you?
Yeah, I'd like to order.
What can I get for you?
One plain pizza, one cheese pizza.
Two pizzas?
No, I didn't say that, did I?
On the plain, what would you like then?
It's plain.
What does plain pizza mean to you?
Plain cheese pizza.
There's no toppings on a plain pizza.
So you just want sauce on it?
What kind of pizza is that?
I'm not asking for ketchup bread.
Put ketchup on the pizza.
Your sauce tastes like ketchup.
It's crap.
Well, then maybe you shouldn't call us anymore, okay?
Have a great day.
Whatever.
May I go home and help you?
Yeah.
Would you like to make an order?
Go ahead.
I want orange chicken.
Hold the orange.
Okay.
All right.
No chicken in that, please.
Vegetarian.
How is that possible?
Well, you take out the chicken and you take out the orange.
So then all that would be left would be broccoli.
A few pieces of broccoli.
I want a box of steam.
So you just want steamed broccoli.
no i just want the steam steam what just steam steam is uh the gaseous form of water okay so
you just want a box of steam yeah okay all right and no jokes don't fart in the box and be like
here you go okay okay sure no problem all right how much for steam uh it's gonna cost you nothing
okay cool well get started on that all right do you have the recipe for steam yeah yes we do
all right good what's up thank you can i get that medium bye bye how's that possible
Is that Garrett?
What?
Garrett?
Garrett?
Yeah, this is Garrett.
I need a photo session.
Photo session?
Yeah.
I'm confused.
You need a photo session?
Yeah.
I don't take photos of people.
Where did you hear about me?
Your number was passed on to me that you're a photographer.
Oh, okay.
Well, I mean, I do take photos.
It just sounded like you came across me like, what?
Are you stupid?
Are you stupid?
No, I'm asking you because you're like, dude, I'm a, I'm a, I asked for a photo session.
You're like, I'm a photographer, but I don't do photos.
Are you stupid?
I can't tell if you're joking right now.
I am serious.
100% serious.
All right.
Well, you're calling me up, calling me stupid.
No, I called you Garrett.
I asked if you were Garrett.
First, you said, Garrett, you stuttered a little bit.
Garrett.
I mean, Garrett, Garrett.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What the, who are you?
G-A-R-E-T-T.
Shut up for a minute, please.
Garrett.
Who are you?
G-A-R-R-E-T-T.
That's Garrett.
Garrett.
All right.
Who the fuck are you?
I'm Cross.
What?
Cross.
Okay.
Need photographed.
Yeah, you might have to call somebody who's a professional.
I'm not a professional.
Do you know how to photograph a fart?
I keep trying to take selfies of my fart, but it doesn't show.
It just, you know.
Have you?
Wait, wait, wait.
I'll take a couple of photos of you, but have you ever seen the top of these?
Say what?
The property?
No, the top of E.
I'm not doing this with you.
You're going to do some kind of word game with me?
Do you want to know who gave me your number?
It was DeAnda.
DeAnda, this dick's about to be in your mouth, boy.
Who are you calling boy?
Shut the fuck up.
Don't play my own game.
Bro, you sound like a boy.
Garret.
Yeah, I...
Hi, Garret.
Yeah, I see you, man.
Bye, Garret.
Bye, Garret.
See you.
What's that guy's deal?
He's pretty jerky.
I know.
He's a fucking jerk.
You know that guy?
Yeah.
Did he take pictures of you?
Is he going to be at your wedding?
take a picture of your wedding no my cousin's doing our wedding no not not that guy oh what's
your cousin's number you want to call him no he finds it funny probably he does a lot of uh
freelance stuff nice is that andrew yeah my name is cross i have a car problem your number was
passed on to me hello uh who gave you my number uh eddie eddie ed and my car's making a noise when
i started up who gave you my number ed who ed ed froman here i'm going to start my car
shut up and listen i have no idea what that is do you have any idea what that could be
he has no idea damn oh sister say that i got my car worked on out of shop oh okay i should have
read the whole thing damn it that's right damn it damn it try the second one did i know no hey uh
I got my car worked on in your garage.
Who gave you this number?
I told you Ed did.
I got your own K'nex garage, right?
Yeah, we do, but I don't know the car.
I don't know who you are.
I found you on Yelp.
I found you on Yelp.
And my friend Eddie said that he knew you guys.
You guys were a good outfit.
But then I get my car home and it makes a noise when I try to start it up.
And it doesn't run at all.
It runs like shit.
Listen.
i don't know what okay see that's not normal okay well i think he probably got his car worked on
by you guys at one point what's the big deal why do you keep asking that get over it i'm trying to
understand the situation here first of all i got my car worked on at your shop and it's running
like shit now it makes a noise hey you need to tell andrew he's an idiot i'm gonna play this
call for him it's been a while i could do that i could find a loaves i got your second number to
to do still too here just to warn everybody i'm not in a good mood i'm not feeling it feel weird
i had a hot dog i don't think it hit me that well i don't think yeah i had a gas station hot dog that
was a bad idea oh boy hey what's up it's a good chance thank you please record your message
let me get the lows numbers are we doing the famous well random famous lows is on your tricks
by now huh yeah last time i called they're like oh it's a good call for chris again i got that
feeling like oh it's him again yeah chris and uh larry the same one yeah those guys it says he has
two different two names thank you for your directions for store hours press two to reach
a department directly press five for to speak with the operator press zero come on please hold
what'd you pick five it didn't work it was too late oh i'll call back have you ever tried home
Home Depot roulette or Home Depot always sucks at home?
I don't think I've really messed with Home Depot.
Thank you for calling Lowe's.
For information on deliveries, press 1.
Commercial sales, press 3.
Appliances, press 4.
Transferring to lumber and building materials.
Please hold.
Yeah, you got some of that nice wood.
Oh, hey, come here.
Yeah, is this lumber?
What was that?
Is this lumber?
No, sir.
I can connect you with lumber, though.
Well, look, the lumber, I bought some lumber down there to make a treehouse for my son,
and it's backwards hello okay ignorant this lows blows yeah i'm busy lows where you can't find
anyone to help you yeah where do you shop at lows or home depot yeah i mean either or to me it's all
the same usually end up to end up at lows because it's closer more like i kind of like home depot
better yeah it's just more organized at least in my area yeah i like their online ordering
i like their online ordering i like to order online if i can just go pick it up that's what
what i do at best buy yeah i've seen that i've always seen people cutting the line when i'm
checking out at best buy and just run right up get their shit and leave yep it's been a good
target it's been a good 10 years pull up yeah yeah walmart yeah walmart started doing that a
while ago and uh target's getting into the delivery thing now not the delivery but the
pickup thing and delivery too they'll drive up they'll walk up to your car yeah put the shit
right in your car you need to get out there are some cvs's in in this in pennsylvania that do
that they're just they'll bring it right out to you nice none of the ones around me though uh yeah
that's probably i don't go to walmart just because i don't have to deal with the people
right yeah that's the main reason why yeah i used to hate best buy just because the customer service
with the fucking upselling this upsell upsell upsell you want the warranty you want this upsell
and rude service so i usually i usually i usually exclusively only do online ordering with them
michael get it i got a tv like 10 years ago it's the first time i did it was great just walked in
picked it up went right to my car and left like nothing yeah when i bought my ps4 pro same thing
ordered it online picked it up i got an email 30 minutes after i paid for it saying to come pick it
up cool yep i did have to exchange recently my headphones because they they broke and i had them
under the repair plan the replacement plan and that's i'll tell you what i had the best i mean
and I never had such good service
at Best Buy a couple weeks ago.
They were really super fucking nice
and friendly the whole time.
Very helpful.
Very nice.
About time.
Yeah, they finally learned a lesson
because Amazon's eating their lunch.
Yeah, they are.
The ongoing joke for a few years ago
was that Amazon,
they were basically Amazon's showroom.
People go to Best Buy
to check out the stuff
before they go to Amazon and buy it.
I mean, I'll admit,
I've done that before.
Yep.
I don't think we're going to get picked up here.
No.
Yeah. Hey, you know what's a good prank idea? Call like a CVS or one of those stores that does the, you know, thing where they walk out to your car and say that the cashier or the associate patronized you for sex.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah, that's a big no-no.
You could say they were flirty when you found them defensive.
Yeah, I was there with my wife and they were obviously trying to start trouble.
Yeah, something like that would work.
Are there any more, whatchamacallit, any more union strikes like you told me about, that one chain?
oh with the with the grocery no no unfortunately not those are good calls i like them they were
that that was really funny those turned out good the one lady's like you know what you're signing
up for when you start a job yeah you're on the phone with her for a while too i know you're not
a stern fan anymore but are you gonna pick up howard's book or you're no no interest yeah if
it was an audiobook i definitely would have by now but there's not an audiobook version of it
he won't do it because he knows they'll chop it up and they call him ah yeah yeah we'll make
phony phone calls with it exactly i didn't think about that yeah that's funny i tell you what i
haven't listened to him in a while he's just been fucking so dried up lately and so it's just the
content's not there anymore yeah i agree i tried listening a few weeks ago it's like god what is
this yeah it's don't get me wrong i love ronnie but it's always ronnie it's always sal and richard
which is funny it's always him going at benji it's the same shit it's different i was actually
listening to a replay of stuff today some older stuff and he's just going off on ronnie he's like
he goes off he finds reasons to go off on ronnie sometimes it's like shut up yeah ronnie asked for
it though ronnie's always a dick though he's like the fuck you want what the fuck i find that
funny after a while it's like okay how many times you guys have yelled each other about ronnie's
driving ronnie you know yeah i like listening to the uh the shows from like 07 06 of our years
yeah the golden years when the first one with the satellite shit was going good oh yeah you
were a benji fan or not so much yeah he's a good writer because i know a lot of his shit that he
writes is funny as hell but he still has a personality he's not that good i don't know
why he's there other than the fact that he's writing but he writes good jokes he writes some
Some of the funnier stuff that Hobart says, I think, is what Benji writes.
Yeah.
So, yeah, I'm really not feeling the show today, man.
I think maybe one or two more calls and I'm done.
Sorry, guys.
I'm just, you know, I'm not going to sit there.
I'm not feeling it.
I feel like I'm obligating you guys to listen.
Nothing good's going to happen.
I'll just save it for tonight with Dwight.
There you go.
You try next.
Starbucks.
Oh, do your order pickup thing.
That was hilarious.
You know.
Oh, where I just take the shit?
Yeah.
Let's do it.
That was good.
I was dying.
That was good.
Well, it's not my problem.
You can't just walk in and take me.
He's like, thanks for letting me know you did that, though.
Yeah, what'd you say?
The flavor sucked or something?
Yeah.
At least that's a guaranteed pickup.
Won't even connect.
Damn it.
It's not going.
You know what?
I'm done.
Sorry.
I'm going to let you go, Ethan.
I'm done.
All right, big guy.
All right, then.
See you later, buddy.
All right, you heard me, folks.
I'm done.
I'm just not feeling it today.
Sorry to get y'all's hopes up, but just, eh.
I just want to watch TV and play video games.
I think I'll do that.
I'll be on
if Dwight does a show
tonight
which I'm presuming
he does
I have no reason
to believe he's not
that'll be at
10 p.m. Eastern
7 p.m. Pacific
I'll join Dwight
as I usually do
if he'll have me
presuming that
he will
he always does
thank you for calling
the Boston Mayor
at Long Wharf Hotel
if you know your
party's extension
where'd that come from
please listen closely
to the following menu
for room reservations
where'd this come from
for reprints
of a guest folio
dial 3
for the accounting
department
dial 4
a guest folio
thank you for calling the boston mayor at long wharf hotel if you know your party's extension
please dial one now please listen closely to the following menu options for room reservations
dial two for reprints of a guest folio dial three what's a guest folio why would someone need to
call for guest folio what the fuck for calling marriott all may be recorded please see our
privacy statement at blah blah blah all right then guys you'll enjoy the rest of your saturday up
until tonight when you'll hear from me again, hopefully. Until then, I bid you a doo-doo.
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