MadhouseSearch

What Do I Do?

15 Dec 2019 · 3 h 27 min · 27,937 words · source

Calls (30, 1 h 38 min of 3 h 27 min)
  1. Barnes & Noble diabetes device search live 9.6 min clip ↓
  2. Call back to bookstore with fake story live 40 s clip ↓
  3. Barnes & Noble restroom incident report live 1.7 min clip ↓
  4. Shoe store customer demands toilet shoe service live 5.9 min clip ↓
  5. Best Buy Redding automated menu ivr 1.5 min clip ↓
  6. Trader Joe's bathroom confusion live 1.2 min clip ↓
  7. TJ Maxx bathroom confusion live 1.9 min clip ↓
  8. Panda Express bathroom confusion live 4.2 min clip ↓
  9. Olive Garden customer service live 1.4 min clip ↓
  10. Hometown Buffet all-you-can-eat pasta live 1.6 min clip ↓
  11. Bulk milk for meetings prank call live 1.5 min clip ↓
  12. Barnes and Noble diabetes kit prank live 1.5 min clip ↓
  13. Man in ladies' room confused about toilet use live 6.3 min clip ↓
  14. Tacos Mexico asked about digestion time live 2.0 min clip ↓
  15. El Pollo Dorado asked about toilet timing live 2.5 min clip ↓
  16. Madhouse Radio caller discusses Islam and girlfriend live 1.1 min clip ↓
  17. Gift card support asked about ordering live 1.3 min clip ↓
  18. Caller tries to order via gift card support live 3.3 min clip ↓
  19. KTLA tip line about racist restroom live 1.8 min clip ↓
  20. OwnZone headphone order with fake names live 14.9 min clip ↓
  21. Prank call about apartment rental live 3.4 min clip ↓
  22. Calling James' cell phone voicemail 59 s clip ↓
  23. Talking about French bulldog adoption live 3.9 min clip ↓
  24. Anonymous caller left voicemail voicemail 43 s clip ↓
  25. Mount Shasta Mall automated menu ivr 2.9 min clip ↓
  26. Ready and Will Be store bathroom prank live 4.7 min clip ↓
  27. Band drummer audition voicemail voicemail 52 s clip ↓
  28. Hotel voicemail greeting ivr 1.2 min clip ↓
  29. Hotel front desk asked for John live 1.2 min clip ↓
  30. Hotel security and guest in bathroom live 13.0 min clip ↓

Transcript

I'm trying to figure out why you want someone to go check in the bathroom for the guys who meet in the bathroom.
Sir, I'm going to ask that you keep this call professional.
Sir, I'm going to ask that you keep this call professional.
And I'm going to give you a heads up, sir.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
That we do not use that sort of language on this line.
This is a professional line.
Yeah.
And I'm going to have to ask you to please refrain from using it.
You know what?
Inappropriate conversation.
Inappropriate phone call.
What do I do?
I don't understand what you're trying to say.
uh i'm a little confused sir sir i can't help you if i don't know your name i can't help you
unless you give me the jerky window sir fucking shit because i'm starting to get agitated now
well i'm so sorry i apologize for the wait time sir i'm a normal kind of dude i do one weird thing
i like to eat soup and breadsticks and and uh drink water while i'm doing number two
in the women's room.
Okay.
I've been caught before
and I've paid dearly for it.
The cops are aware
of what's going on right now?
Alright, don't call here again.
Shut up.
I'm in the streets listening
to Madhouse Live.
I hope my speech can compete
with that bad mouth style
that we get from Carlito.
That's my big amigo.
So just kick back
to listen to this cat call.
People, when this show goes live,
I'll be like,
damn, this shit's bitchin'.
Stop whatever I'm doing
to tune in and listen.
Where you at?
You can catch me
in the back of his home
At Horse Machine Ranch Road
I'm busting mad fat flows
For assholes and banchos
Must be crazy
Shout out to Big Amy
That's nice honey baby
We kissing pussy
So ladies touch your labia
It's crazy how the stuff
That my bruh might say to ya
Face it cause
It's the number one prank cast
Stay back
If you can't handle
All the straight laughs
Then we hand to your dome
And if you want
Call the number
You can listen to this show
On the go
Big up to the man
In the madhouse
He show love
Just stick your
Motherfucking hands up
Some come close
But they can't get it right
Let the king do his thing
It's time for Madhouse Live
Big up to the man in the madhouse
Show love, just take your motherfuckin' hands off
Some come close, but they can't get it right
Let the king do his thing
It's time for Madhouse Live
You heard about what's going on in there?
Heard a lot of bullshit talk, I know that much
This isn't bullshit, my friend
Do you know something?
Don't listen
What do you know?
Maybe I do and maybe I don't
What I say is they got no business negotiating
We ought to be going back in there with a bullet for everybody in the yard
Oh, is that right?
We do it now, we do it later. Later ain't gonna be no use. Am I right, Hal?
Now, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute, Frank.
We got a lot of angry guys in there. Black Muslims, Panthers, Young Lords.
Besides you, the average antisocial.
So we gotta go in, right? Clean their clocks.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is The Magnet!
Operation are Sunday, 10 a.m. to 8 p.m. and 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. Monday through Saturday.
day if you'd like to speak to a bookseller please remain on the line do you mean to keep calling
barnes and nobles this is ashley how can i help you about time how are you doing big ashley i'm
good how are you it just takes a long time to get through the phone it says a lot of things why yes
it does why why we gotta let you know what's going on it didn't let me know anything that was going
on oh well it wasn't informative at all i'm sorry okay can you look to see if you have a title in
and then i have a different question after that yep what's the title you're looking for it's ass
ASS, A-S-S.
Okay, is that it?
Yeah.
And what's your other question?
Well, I need to know about the title first.
If you can put it, do you know how to make the computer work?
I do.
Go ahead.
Do you know what the keyboard, it sounds like this?
I tried it already.
We don't have a book that's just that title.
You didn't tell me already.
That's the first time you tell me just now.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It just loaded and came up.
Our system's sometimes a little slow.
But you said you told me already.
No, I didn't say I just did it.
Did I misinterpret that?
Maybe a little bit, but sorry.
Can you have the court report to read back that portion?
Can you have the what?
Can you read back that portion?
Yes.
So we do not have a book that's under just that title.
So there's Badass Sticky Notes, there's a Badass Journal.
That's all there is, ass-related?
Yes.
There's Big Badass Book of Shots.
Like, is that Shots, S-H-O-T-S?
Yes.
Okay.
I thought it was like shits, that being.
Oh, no. Are you looking for something like that?
Well, do you have a book called Shits?
Um, no, we don't.
Okay. All right.
Um, on to my other subject then.
How's the action in the bathroom tonight?
I don't know.
Are any of the regulars in the bathroom today?
Uh, not that I know of.
Is there a man that can go check?
Uh, who is it?
My name's Cross.
I'm a regular in the bathroom.
We know there's a group of men that meet in the bathroom sometimes.
Uh-huh. I think.
I'm one of them.
You know, we wrote some stuff on the men's wall, and then we put some holes in the wall,
and you guys sometimes cover them up.
Oh, I don't actually know.
I didn't know about that.
Oh.
Oh, because you don't, you're in the girls, is there like a, because girls don't do that,
right?
They don't put holes in the wall.
No.
Because you don't have something to stick in, right?
Okay.
Is there a boy there they can go and look to see if any of the guys are in there tonight?
No, there's not.
Well, how do you, you don't know you can't go in there.
You're not supposed to go in there.
Well, I'm not going in there.
Well, I'm not asking you to.
I don't have anyone to go in there, though, either.
You don't have any boys there?
Any men working?
No, not right now.
No men at all in that big, huge, honking store of yours?
Well, I mean, there's guys here, but I'm not going to send a customer into the bathroom.
I'm not saying customer.
I'm saying a worker who's a male.
No, I'm not sending anyone to look in the bathroom for you.
I left something in the bathroom.
Can someone go look for it?
Hold on.
Okay.
Can I help you?
What are you doing?
I'm trying to figure out why you want someone to go check in the bathroom
for the guy to meet in the bathroom?
Look, I left something in the bathroom.
You left something in the bathroom.
What did you leave in the bathroom?
Well, I'm a member of the group of like-minded men
that we meet there regularly, regularly in the bathroom.
You meet in the bathroom regularly?
Yeah.
Why?
Well, have you ever heard of the term cruising?
No.
Okay.
I don't know if females have this in their bathrooms,
but there's groups of men who are like-minded
who put holes in the dividers.
and look at each other.
Okay.
I need you to never call.
No, listen to me.
Do not call.
I go there.
No, you do not call my store.
So you don't need to deface.
You're telling me that you're coming into my store
and that you're defacing things in my restroom.
Do you understand that that's a felony?
It's not a felony, first of all.
It's a misdemeanor.
It absolutely is a felony because it's being owned by me.
It is not.
It's a misdemeanor.
I know for a fact I'm a lawyer.
Okay, so do not call the store again
and don't ask my employees to do this.
Okay, but I left something there.
I left something there.
Okay, great.
Don't talk to me like I don't understand you, no.
Okay, if you left something here, you can come into the store and see if it's here so that I can tell you in person.
I have a trespassing warrant there, I can.
Oh, great, so then why did you come in to begin with?
Well, that's beside the fact that I left something there.
It's my diabetic, my glucometer, my glucose meter, and my medication, and my EpiPen, Epidural Pen.
You have a legal responsibility to go in and see if that's there.
Okay, I haven't had anyone turn that in.
well let me take your let me take your okay great i need your name i need your name right now
motherfucker okay tell me your name cross what is your real name cross cross that's all you need
okay what's your last name then all you need is cross i said no because you'd have to come into
the store to pick it up and you have a trespass warrant so you can't come into the store okay
so then you need to work something else out with me then okay um i'm not i'm not gonna put myself
you know i have a fifth amendment right i don't have to tell you my name if it's gonna put me a
Listen, if you want to recover your property, I need your full name.
Cross is all you need.
Great. What's your last name, Cross?
All you need is Cross.
And what's your phone number?
It's local area code, 216-2018.
Great. If I find anything, I'll call you.
No, but I'm not going to answer that phone number.
If you call that number, I won't call it.
So if I find anything in the men's restroom that fits that description, I will give you a call.
Otherwise, I think we're good.
But that number won't work incoming.
Why?
I have an outgoing number only.
Okay, well, I haven't had anything turned in,
and I don't have anyone who can go into the restroom and check for you right now.
Well, listen, what if my blood sugar goes down too low right now?
I have no way of knowing.
Okay, why did you come into my store to begin with?
You literally just told me that you had a trespass warrant.
Do you understand that you...
Do you know what the term cruising is?
Okay.
Come on, lady.
Thank you for calling Barnes & Noble Booksellers.
Do you know what you're looking for?
Hey, Barnes & Noble, how can I help you?
Yes, sir.
I called earlier, and a woman told me that there were no men that were available to help me out.
Uh-huh.
That looks like it's an inaccurate statement.
What was your name?
My name's Cross.
Okay.
Could you hold the rope for a second?
What I need is, what was your name?
Brandon.
Brandon.
Okay, and where are you going?
Could you hold on for a second?
Thank you.
Why?
Thank you for calling Brandon Snowball.
This is Danica.
How can I help you?
Hey, Danny.
Danny?
This is Danica.
How can I help you?
Oh, hi.
Yeah.
Brandon was supposed to be checking in, checking on something for me,
and then the supervisor, I guess, was supposed to get on.
I can hear in the back.
Can you please have her come on the phone immediately?
She's trying to figure something out right now.
She'll be right with you, okay?
I'm going to keep you on hold.
What is she figuring out?
What is she trying to figure out?
What is it that you're looking for, sir?
I left the diabetes machine.
Yes, that's what she's looking for right now.
Did she find it?
She's working on it right now, sir.
I'm going to put you on hold.
Well, please don't put me on hold.
Please.
He's just cutting out my employee right now
Am I cussing you out?
I haven't said anything mean to you, right, Danny?
Danica?
I'm going to put you on hold.
Well, Danica, but tell me the truth.
Have I said any curse words to you?
She's calling the cops, but here's Lieberman.
She's calling the cops, but I'm not cussing.
You see how they are?
You see how people just want to embellish when they call the police just to make things more urgent?
It's a felony.
she's doing right now lying to emergency services dispatch saying that i'm doing something that i'm
not doing just saying my glucom i just need my goddamn glucomator okay everyone this is madhouse
radio i'm carlito cross no i'm not but i'm carlito i guarantee that much my name is carlito
and i'm the host of this here show please visit madhouse live.com where there are many many links
Thanks to tune into the show.
Follow me on social media.
They are all over at madhouse life.com.
I would like to thank everyone listening via audio feed,
via shoutcast,
tune in and other applications on mobile devices.
Shout out to y'all.
Thanks to everyone listening on mix LR.com slash prank call nation.
Shout out to you guys.
That chat room is active.
Shout out to everyone who's in the hijinks discord right now.
hi jinx.fun slash pranks shout out to y'all a special shout out to everyone on the madhouse
radio discord all them horses shout out to y'all also want to give a shout out to everyone watching
on facebook i am facebook live right now so if you're following me on facebook you can watch me
live or if not i don't know how it works shout out to y'all shout out to dwight mcclanahan shout out
to you hey can you hear me okay everything you sound great from the beginning this time right
we got it we got it this time yeah we got it this time is there anyone else i need to shout
out if you were listening or busy trying to die no i was listening okay uh we were laughing in
the gaming discord about the carlito doing the prankings yeah yeah yeah i don't know what we
need to shout out fuck we're gonna shout nobody fucking fucker so let me just a moment while i
do that while we do that is there anything any business you need to announce any new silly
silly prank calls or any of them crazy uh facebook live bobby things no no they're pretty
up to date on the facebook lives i mean i got a bunch sitting in limbo but uh i did just realize
because i got a uh 500 gig external hard drive today to back up some of my shit because you
know one drives like oh you're over five gigs and i found that there was some shit i did on
st patrick's day about three years ago that i haven't touched really yeah i was getting dancers
dancers to uh dance or uh sort of like be waitresses at a st patrick's day party it was
one of those ones we were just to get them to do a bunch of weird shit like we're like oh yeah you
know fucking you know carrot top's gonna be there he's gonna do some comedy and like i was trying
to get women to like agree to fucking sleep with carrot top for 10 grand nice where they wanted to
do it yeah one girl was considering it oh cool fuck carrot top looks he's a weird for the last
like five six years he's looked really bad right he looks really weird his face machine is all
messed up now yeah i think it's the steroids he's taking because he got really into like
lifting and trying to be healthy yeah yeah but it just looks weird on him right and you know
and i've talked about it before on the show but dave chapelle too looks really weird the way he
is yeah and his voice he's fucked up his voice with the smoking like no no he's really like this
he's starting to sound like an old black man oh his face is all fat now and then like now he's
He's, like, grayish.
Yeah, you think so? Grayish? I didn't notice that.
Yeah, kind of.
I'll have my people check that out. Dwight, thanks.
All right, let's give a call here. Hopefully you can hear the call.
So here's an idea, Mr. Dwight McClanahan. I'm going to change my caller ID, okay?
Sounds like a good plan so far.
All right. Yeah, that's a good one.
And then we're going to call back the bookstore, and I want you to say that you were in the men's room
and that you found what looks like a diabetes testing kit.
okay but that you also saw someone masturbating and you just left so and that you were you just
act real appalled and let's see where this goes right fuck it right let's see the cops the cops
already involved right let's have a little fun with it man oh yeah yeah yeah thank you for
calling barnes and noble this is allison hi how you doing there allison i'm calling uh regarding
an incident that i had in your restroom facility about 10 minutes ago okay what happened uh
Well, it's a funny thing.
You should see what happened.
What happened is I was in there, and I found a – it looks like a kit that possibly a diabetic would have been using, and it looked like it may have been left behind.
Okay.
It looks like some, like, testing strips and a meter of some type, and I wanted to let somebody know.
Okay, did you leave it in there?
Yeah, I didn't feel comfortable grabbing it on my own.
Okay, where is it at?
Well, it was right next to the toilet.
Thank you for letting me know.
But that wasn't the only thing, and then there was a man inside masturbating as well, and I didn't know if this was common practice or if it was possibly his.
I didn't want to ask him because he was in, I guess, some very important needs, I guess.
Sure.
Did you get a look at his face?
Yeah.
He looked – he was probably about six foot, Puerto Rican, mustache.
He had jeans.
I would classify him as a long-legged Puerto Rican, furiously masturbating.
Okay.
um i just know is this is this common common practice or what i am so sorry no um to my
knowledge it is not um but thank you for letting me know um we're getting some interesting feedback
along those same lines tonight so oh oh so i wasn't yeah it's it's pretty much just happening
tonight so thank you for letting me know okay yeah i just i just wanted to bring to someone's
attention. You know, I mean, I'm not prude
or anything like that, but that should be
kept to the confines of your home.
Hey, buddy. Hey, is this your
car right here? Okay, are you...
Okay, thank you for letting me know.
Is this your car right here, buddy? That's my car.
Yeah, I was just inside the store.
Were you just in there in the bathroom? Are you in the
parking lot right now? Yeah, this
is the guy that was masturbating. Okay, I'm coming, I'm coming.
Okay.
She's fucking booking it out the door
right now oh my god what's up gentlemen hey i just wanted to call and say what's up i was
trying to call the uh phone number but i was like what the fuck i'm too vip for that so i
just called you on skype oh yeah you just if you had me on skype you call on skype that's how it
goes and that way other people can call it yeah there you go no i'm out and about right now i
just wanted to say what's going on like i've seen you you're doing a show so uh yeah we're just uh
to cause a mayhem at Barnes & Noble?
That's all? Yeah, like always.
You know we love that Barnes & Noble.
You doing good, Jack?
Where are you going? You going to be doing some
karaoke? Karate?
Are you on your way to do karaoke?
Yeah, I'm doing blow. I'm heading to
Dwight's house right now. Oh, shit.
Don't do that. Don't do blow. I'm going to get
that new marijuana snooze.
Is it marijuana snooze? Nice.
No, it was some shit that
Cassander was talking about.
Him and Axmo. And then Axmo
start talking about snooze and i was like i was looking at that marijuana
shit are you bowling there jack is that what's the is that the deal
to the meetup yeah no no now are you bowling bowling it sounds like oh no i'm at my hangout
spot i just was gonna call and say stupid shit and then hang out oh okay he's gonna karaoke yeah
karaoke though no wrong spot wrong spot hey i'll text you guys the number text what are we on the
whatever shut up uh i'll uh what hello email me email me some marijuana while you're at it yeah
oh fax fax yourself i'm gonna email you that cocaine and i'm gonna myspace you are you in
the toilet aren't you yeah you know i'm gonna uh i'll message uh you on facebook the number
all right the place that i'm at you can have some fun okay big guy all right all right
send me names of staff and all that all right all right i'll see you later bye guy all right
Merry Christmas, and thank you for calling JCPenney.
One moment, please.
Shoe department.
Shoe department?
Yes.
Oh, I didn't specify shoe department.
Yes, I think you have a shoe extension.
Do you have shoe extension?
Excuse me?
Do you have shoe extension?
Do I have shoe extension?
Yeah.
No, I do not.
You just said I had the shoe extension.
Yes, this is the shoe department.
And you're at the shoe extension?
extension you picked up the shoe extension yes i did okay um do you can you extend a size nine to
like a ten sure can help you yeah do you uh do the like if i go there is this the kind of place
where i sit down and you bring the shoe and you put it on my foot for me to try it with the shoe
horn but i i can bring yeah i can bring you the shoe i can bring you a certain size if you're
looking for it and then you and then you i sit down in the chair uh that like like and there's
like a stool in the with the thing and you you sit on the stool right we we have some chairs for
you to sit i have some uh some seats so you can try the shoes on yeah but you know the shoe the
shoe salesman he puts he sits down on the on the little stool and he puts on he puts on the shoe
shoe for me he you okay um okay buddy the shoe I want full service okay um my customer service
will extend for me providing the shoe for you um but put it on but you put it on for me please
okay um if you need some assistance to put it on a shoe I will help you with that do you have
the shoe horn uh yes we have shoe horns here okay but you know do you know what i mean when
there's some shoe places that don't do this like walmart shoes you have to do your own shoe you
know you put on your shoe you tie your shoe but i like it when the shoe the shoe salesman gets on
the stool and puts the shoe off for me and tights it really nice and he does the other one you know
and then he kisses then he kisses the shoes and then you he tells you to try out try them all
No, walk in them, and you have a walk, you know.
Okay, so our service expense to us is bringing the shoes.
Can you just say that you don't do it if that's what it is?
Just tell me if that's not what you do because you're dancing around it.
Why are you making it so awkward?
Why don't you just want to get to the biscuits of it?
Don't tell me what you can do.
Tell me what you can't do then.
No, well, sir, I'm trying to help you.
I will help everybody out to the point where if I feel uncomfortable, I will deny services.
So are you trying to say it's not necessarily part of your duties?
It is not part of my duties, but I will go above and beyond to help a customer.
And if at some point I feel uncomfortable in going above and beyond, I will say,
sorry, buddy, this is something that I don't usually do.
You know what is a part of your duties, though, sir, to be honest?
Yeah.
The shit and your asshole, you know?
the duty uh the you know the pushing part when you push the muscles back there the and the feces
shit comes out like this i'm doing it now i'm in your bathroom and i'm doing it okay
can you come to the bathroom with the shoe i need a size 11 do you have chuck taylor's
uh chuck taylor's taylor's yeah do you have converse yes we have converse here okay give
Give me some Converse.
Please bring them.
Please.
Please bring Converse to me in the toilet.
That's not going to happen, buddy.
Oh, come on.
Because I'm going to be here a while.
I'm going to be here a while.
Well, you know, they treated me much nicer at the Foot Locker.
You know that?
Hey, buddy.
You're an asshole.
I'm trying to help you out, bud.
All right.
I'm just going to finish taking my shit, and I'm just going to leave this fucking store.
You know what?
what i'm gonna put the i'm gonna put my uh toilet paper on the i'm gonna rub it all over the walls
in here i'm not gonna i didn't i'm not putting it in the toilet okay good buddy i'm not putting it
in the toilet all right i already flushed the toilet and everything and i'm not gonna put the
toilet paper in there i'm gonna rub it on i'm gonna make curse words on the wall here in the
handicap stall with shit with my shit i'm a psychologist i'm a psychologist okay i'm alive
We'll call the maintenance crew over there.
We'll have a queen for you.
Okay, yeah, but before that, what's your name?
My name is Brandon.
All right, Brandon, I'm going to write your name on here
and say things about you and feces on the wall, okay?
All right, I'm a psychologist.
I'm a life counselor.
I got to go.
All right, sounds good, buddy.
Have a nice day.
All right, shit for brains.
Bye.
Whatever.
When you were shit, Nico, please, bring the shoe.
All right, we'll call Foot Locker now.
They were much nicer.
is this the kind of shoe place what is this the kind of shoe place no this is not the shoe
this is not that shoe place this is not the shoe fuck him right he doesn't sell shoes he's not al
bundy i'll call there and ask for al bundy to help you no yeah that's something uh uh a loser
facebook guy would say to me to do oh i'll do it but no
so dude what happened with the days you know where can you go to get like you know i'm talking
about like the albani service you know yeah you go to the shoe place and they put the shoe on you
real nice it was in new york you know i'm talking about yeah uh yeah you know he'll insult a fat
woman if need be yeah al bunnies i was like i don't know i don't know when to let women start
i don't know when to let women start driving cars carrying mace he had a whole bunch of them
one of my favorite ones was when uh he was insulting this fat woman she goes
how dare you say that to my face because i'd say it to your back but i only have a half a
taking gas what was the name of the his friend that worked there the black dude uh he was a
football player in the real and in real life wasn't he like the actor buck that was a buck
buck was a dog that was a dog yeah are you fine i hear you typing over there i'm gonna type in
type away i'll see as soon as i see his face i mean i can see his face african-american
nice mustache football pants on not football pants but like big football ass on him you know
fucking gary shoes gary gary was a woman too remember when gary showed up and it was a chick
Anyway, hey, if anyone wants to call in, 405-396-6884 is the number.
And you can do that.
You do that.
Griff was his name.
Griff.
That's funny.
I can't find him, but I just remembered what the hell it was.
He was a cool dude.
He always wore really, like, his pants were always too tight.
It was funny.
We're calling Best Buy in Redding.
Today we are open from 8 a.m. until 11 p.m.
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If your situation is unrelated...
Just fuck Best Buy.
I hate that store like a motherfucker.
I hate Best Buy like a motherfucker, Dwight.
They fucked me already earlier.
Yeah, they did.
I know your story and I'm not going to just say your story.
They sent it twice.
twice did you get it a third time then or what no they said they didn't have the option to reship
uh a second time so they just gave me my money back and told me to fuck off basically
wow ignorant right and then i waited a week to send their shit back
shit i'm reading trader joe's this is rob how can i help you hello hello hello yeah hey this
trader joe did you say that again yeah this is trader joe's my name is rob how can i help you
oh hey i'm here at the in the toilet okay all right and the bathroom in trader joe's at your
store okay okay okay all right i mean did you have an issue yeah what what do i do what do you mean
you're in the toilet like in the bath in the toilet room okay you know the men's men's toilet
yes i know what the men's room is what what did you need well what do i do what do you mean what
do you do well i'm here i really don't understand your question sir i i don't know how to do i don't
know what to do in here what do i do in here what's this for
oh yeah the three seashells the three seashell story all right i took your echo away i'm sorry
about that sir please don't be mad oh that's okay all right and uh let's call them back or them you
know maybe someone else i've been thinking about this all week just saying this thanks for calling
me trader joe's this is rob how can i help you rob please just help me what do i do man i don't know
I don't know what your question means.
I'm in the bathroom.
I understand.
The restroom, because there's not a bath here.
It's a restroom?
What do you need in the restroom, sir?
I don't know what your question is.
There's a commode in here, and I guess you sit here?
Yeah, that's, you know what?
Inappropriate conversation.
Inappropriate phone call.
What do I do?
I don't understand what you're trying to say.
I mean, I'm not trying to be crass, buddy, sir.
I just, I don't, what do I, how do I do this?
Do you want me to come back there and show you what to do?
Well, hey, Sailor.
I mean, if you want to come back here, yeah.
Okay, I'll be there in a minute.
All right, buddy.
All right, Sailor.
I've never heard that offer before.
Yeah, I've just been wanting to call places.
I've been like, yeah, what do I do?
How do I do this?
Jack dropped off a number where he's at and a guy to ask for.
Okay.
I've got a lot of numbers, but I will get to that and others.
Thank you for calling.
You're with TJ Maxx.
This is Nyleesha.
How can I offer you a session on customer service?
Yeah, I'm here in the bathroom.
Mm-hmm.
Okay. I'm in the restroom, the men's restroom.
Oh!
Okay. Yeah, hi, I'm here in the men's restroom.
Yes, how can I help you, sir?
Okay, yeah, I'm here.
Who is this?
My name's Cross.
Oh, no, no, we were for our home department.
No, I'm in the toilet room.
Are you okay?
Where the toilets are?
Yes, sir.
Yeah, well, I'm a little bit confused about this.
What are you confused by, sir?
Well, what am I supposed to do?
I am unsure what you're trying to get me to help you with, sir.
Well, I came here to the restroom in the store.
The restroom.
It said men's.
Well, I say, you know, you can use your restroom and then you can come out if you're having some troubles.
We can try to find someone to help you or some assistance if you're having some sort of difficulty.
But I don't know what to do.
Well, I can't help you with that one, sir.
What do I do in here?
How do I make it go?
I'm not understanding, sir, and let you have a good night.
Well, I'm not going to have a good night until I know how to use this thing.
Well, use a journal, and you're standing up, or you're in the toilet, you're sitting down.
No, no, no.
You don't understand.
Have a good night, sir.
I mean, what do I do?
Do I sit on this?
Have a good night, sir.
You're running me down.
I'm fucking my night up, man.
I'm fucking my night all up, man.
Seriously.
Who would be really funny to mess with?
I call Home Depot, but it's always such a pain in the ass to get through them.
But it might be funny to say to the Home Depot that the toilet isn't flushing.
and you know it's the uh let me see if i can find one aisle that looks they're all pretty much the
same all right thank you for calling the reading home depot for store hours and directions press
one to reach a customer service associate press zero to repeat this menu so i could hit zero this
whole time for calling the home depot your call is very important your call is very good evening
thank you for calling home depot we install and deliver this is seth how can i help you hi hi
Hi.
Was that Seth?
Yes.
Okay.
I'm here at the Home Depot, your store?
Yes.
And I'm in the bathroom.
I'm in the men's restroom.
Okay.
The men's restroom?
Okay.
Okay.
And I'm here.
What do I do?
Pardon me?
What do I do?
What am I supposed to do?
Okay.
I'm going to let you go, sir.
No, sir.
I'm in the men's restroom.
I need help.
What do you need help with, sir?
Well, what do I do?
I'm in here now.
Now what?
Now what?
Okay.
I'm going to let you go because I'm assuming this is a prank call because you're calling
me what to do in the bathroom so i'm hanging up the phone now sir well the toilet the toilet isn't
flushing smart guys very smart guy i uh expo aka miriam the voice of miriam hello it's good to talk
to you all right good comment good good work very nice okay thank you we could try that barnes and
noble again i think the cops are there by now what's going on skype do i are you there is this
is working still yes okay thank you oh i want that prank i want that prank i want that fart
sound effect it's funny nina says use that um chinese chinese restaurants i'm in the toilet
what do i do it might let's try it with a panda express to start out with there we go yeah and
we got i got numbers for things for sale we got parkman numbers you know how it goes you know how
it goes parkman's got numbers he does i doubt you have to call the exchange before you can call
Sir, this is John. How can I help you?
Hi.
Hello.
Hi, I'm in the bathroom, the toilet, the restroom.
Okay.
Okay. I'm here. What do I do?
Hello? Yeah, what do I do? I'm here. I'm waiting.
What?
Well, right now I'm in the men's restroom. The men's room here.
You're waiting on something in the bathroom. Then it's probably not my problem. It's yours.
Well, I don't know what to do here.
You can figure it out.
Well, I'm waiting for food.
Well, the bathroom's probably not a good dude.
Well, how do I make it go?
Oops and dreams.
You're an asshole, you know that? You're stupid, motherfucker, you.
Thanks.
Yeah, whatever.
Let me not call Red Robin, because I know for a fact that they go to a central.
Fucking Echo.
Not you, Echo. The other Echo.
Bitch.
Also, all these personal assistants are bitches.
Alexa was going off earlier, and I didn't say anything about Alexa.
Yeah?
Fucking cunt.
Yeah. That happens to me all the time, you know?
listen to us and it's fucking creepy it's all hell have you ever gone in to listen to uh to
the alexa app to hear all the things that it's recorded that you've said because yeah it's
fucking bad it's usually racist uh shit that i said yeah really yeah yeah wow i'm bad i didn't
know you were well then we can't be friends okay uh no no oh no it's usually when i'm yelling at
the computer oh something goes wrong you know you see a racist things at it okay yeah is it
racist against uh african americans or not necessarily no any minority is open game it's
open game i don't know what my computer identifies as so happy holiday thank you for calling olive
garden on dana probably this holiday order all of your to go and catering favorites online
simply visit olivegarden.com to place your order today to place it ago our catering order
For seating information, simply visit allofgarden.com to join our online waitlist and save your spot in line.
have a problem also but you find out all right all right i will hurry up that guy that one dude
that black dude agreed with you last week was that your show that the white show thing you just
said that in a prank like i need to get free all you can eat pasta there goes the breadsticks and
soup because like yeah yeah i know it was two shows ago
these are a few favorite racist things to say
Thank you for calling Hometown Buffet and offering bulk meals for your next meeting or party.
This is Manuel. How may I help you?
I heard you guys have all-you-can-eat pasta and soup and breadsticks comes with it.
I'm sorry?
I heard you guys here. I'm here at the restaurant now.
And I heard that you guys had all-you-can-eat pasta and soup and breadsticks come with it.
This is Hometown Buffet.
Yeah.
We do have pasta. We do have garlic bread.
ed but are you talking about like you have soup of course we have soup and it's all you can eat
correct so would that be a correct statement yes but there's other food too besides the soup
i'm not interested in that i'm not interested in that i asked i didn't ask you what other foods
you had and i didn't say only that i said that you had hello can you what yes here we go the
The fake, I can't hear you.
Right?
Asshole.
Huh?
Hello?
Uh-huh.
Oh, my God.
So the boss doesn't know.
Hey, nice to speak, asshole.
I'm from a fan ready.
Now I'll from bulk milk for your next meet-up party.
This is Debbie.
How may I help you?
Yeah, I'm here right now.
I'm in your men's restroom.
Yes.
Okay.
Who is this?
My name is Eddie, and I'm in the men's restroom.
Are you okay?
Well, I'm a little confused here as to what's going on.
Hold on.
I'll send someone in there.
Well, you don't understand what's going on, don't you?
send anyone in here to look at me i think i've overdone the idea she was looking you square in
the penis and i don't like that no no one likes that but it happens it happens sometimes especially
by a stranger i mean i wonder if that manager ever got out there and maybe she found some weird
guy and thought it was me some guy with a diabetic diabetic monitoring kit just have to get all
Oh, fuck, though.
I'm considering calling again.
X-Ray, you would have to talk.
Are you against talking?
I'm really drunk, so talking is, like, number one on my list.
Yeah, it's fine.
It's fine.
It's fine.
You can do it.
Okay.
You ready?
Okay.
Yeah, I'm good.
You're just going to say that you found a diabetes monitor.
I got you, yeah.
You're in the parking lot, and you found what looks to be a diabetes monitor in the parking
lot on the ground, and then I'm going to come, and then I'm going to show up, all right?
And we'll go from there.
all right let me get some uh let's see i got sound effects to make it sound like we're outside here
uh restaurant no road noise i think alice's call yeah wing it see where he got the number
you gotta did you get all your christmas shopping or you're a jehovah's witness never mind you
wouldn't know not yeah you are here you are come on why are you embarrassed to be a witness
calling barnes and noble booksellers you know what you're looking for so why wait with a few clicks
Hey, I'm out here in the parking lot.
I found, uh, it looks like a diabetes testing kit.
There's a bunch of those, uh, those needles and the probes that you put the blood on.
Would you like to bring it into the store?
Is that okay?
Oh, sure.
I can bring it.
Hey, buddy.
Hey.
Hey.
Yeah.
Hey, did you find a, I'm looking for like a diabetes kit that I left.
this thing on the ground here right now yeah yeah yeah that's it that's mine hey um the there's a
woman inside the store her name's like allison or something like that okay yeah she's uh she was
like making sexual passes at me oh shit i'm finished with this conversation between the
two of you and i continue um we have the cops are aware of what's going on right now
All right, don't call me again.
Shut up.
That's my answer.
That's how I talk to my wife all the time.
When she's winning an argument, I just go,
I had it when you did that, Carlos.
I told you.
Hello?
Hello.
Hey.
This is Troy.
How can I be of service?
Yeah, hi.
I was calling because I was told that you have all you can eat,
breadsticks and pasta.
Pasta, and it comes with breadsticks and soup.
well we don't have the all you can eat pasta anymore uh but when you're here dining in the
bread and the soup and the salad so i've got a stupid meal uh if you're ordering it to go
are you already coming in or well i'm here now i'm in the bathroom okay uh yeah if you're dining
in uh you order your entree whether it be pasta and sauce or whatever and you have your choice
I want to eat.
What do I, what do I, can I just have a coffee and get the breadsticks and soup?
You just want some bread and some soup?
And a coffee.
Sure.
Are you dining at a table?
Are you having it to go?
I'm going to have it here at the toilet, in the toilet.
Well, I don't know if we can actually serve you in the bathroom.
Well, no, I'm going to have it to go.
And then I'll come when I'm ready.
I'll come out for breadsticks and soup.
And I'll eat them in here, and then when I'm done, I'll come out if I want some more.
Okay, so do you want me to go ahead and take your order?
Yeah, I want coffee.
Coffee?
Because I want to take a shit in this toilet here.
Okay, and you want soup, you said?
I want a Mindstrone soup.
Okay, and that's it, minestrone, and a coffee, and some bread.
Mindstrone, Mindstrone.
Yeah, minestrone, that's what it is.
Mindstrone, Mindstrone.
Okay.
Okay.
And it's pronounced Mindstorm.
And your name?
My name is Horace.
I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you.
It was kind of loud.
One more time.
Horace, Horace.
Horace?
Yeah.
And I'm going to eat the soup in the toilet here in the bathroom here.
I'm here at the restaurant now, all right?
Well, I can't serve it to you that way, sir.
Well, I'm going to come out and get it.
But if I want to have more Mindstorm, I'm going to come out and, you know, because I'm eating in.
I'm in the restaurant.
Okay, yeah.
I'm not dining out. It's not to go, but I'm just going to make the order and I'll bring it myself.
I'll be polite and I tip very well.
I'm a normal kind of dude. I do one weird thing.
I like to eat soup and breadsticks and drink water while I'm doing number two in the women's room.
I've been caught before and I've paid dearly for it.
And by the way, now that I'm here in your bathroom in the restroom, what do I do?
Come out?
No, but I'm not ready to come out.
I have to do my business.
Well, unfortunately, no one's going to be bringing it in to you.
I'm sorry.
So you're going to have to finish what you're doing.
But before that, I need to do, you know, number two.
Well, yeah, you're going to have to take care of whatever you've got to take care of, sir.
But what do I do?
How?
How do I do it?
I'm afraid I don't know the answer to that, sir.
You don't know how to go to number two in these bathrooms?
I'm a little confused.
Okay.
Well, I mean, you're confused, I'm confused, because I'm here now, and I can't figure this out.
So you're in the restroom right now, and you want to order some coffee, you want to order some soup and bread, I get it.
Yeah.
You're going to come.
And then if I want some more bread, sticks, or soup, it's complimentary, I come out, and I get some, and I bring it back, and I eat it here privately.
but then before that i needed dude number two but i don't understand how how what to do i mean i'm
here what do i what do i do i'm afraid so you're good that's something you're gonna have to figure
out i'm afraid i can't help you with that does do i do i put it on in here there's no place to put
it on in there where does the feces go you need to go in the in the toilet sir okay yeah but i like
Do I sit on it? Do I stand? Do I do it in my hand and put it in there?
Honestly, I would say you just need to do what you got to do and just be done with it and not take your food in the bathroom.
No, but why can't I take my food in the bathroom now?
So, I don't know. Is this a prank?
No, no. I'm here now. Please.
And you're in the ladies' room?
I'm in, yes, I'm in the ladies' room, and I don't know how to do it in here, because I use the men's room usually.
This is the ladies' room. What do I do?
Yeah, why are you in the ladies' room?
Like I told you, I'm a normal dude.
I like to go into the ladies' room when I do number two, and when I want to eat Mindstorms soup and drink coffee.
well then maybe have you not be in the ladies room but i'm here already and then i'm afraid
i don't have to tell you sir does this toilet work just like the man's toilet it should then
what's the difference then why what do i do hold on hold on hey what's up carlito hey how you doing
there big guy i'm all right i'm just going through all my junk in the basement how about you buddy
is that what they call it nice i'm good doing a show i'm in the bathroom i don't know what to do
Are you stuck on the toilet?
No, I just had the number two, you know.
There you go.
He fell in.
Gandu Salah.
Salah.
Bancho.
Gandu Salah.
Salah.
Yeah, Carlito was going to tell that guy when he came back.
I'm in the men's bathroom and this guy just handed me a phone and said he had some fucking
red sticks cooling on his table.
He'll be right back.
Well, he's still on hold.
I wonder what he's doing.
It caused me to go for a while.
Alright. Listen, we got phone numbers
in Compton. Taco Bell.
Had Taco Bell today. It was good.
Yeah? Oh my god. What'd you have?
Uh, so much.
Look at Homer. Whatever I could get.
Homer's on the camera. He's asking for pizza.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, is he gassy?
Alright, everyone watching on Facebook Live, check this out.
This is gonna be cool. I've been teaching Homer
to catch food. Homie, hey, don't go down,
you fucker. This is for everyone to see. You ready?
Are you gonna catch it, right? Oh, you're gonna
catch it, boy. Ready? Come on. Hey.
two three ah you stupid fucking mutt yeah he didn't do shit he's been trying he's been
catching him stupid
fucking dog you stupid he making you look a fool stupid
penis i'll throw him another one in a second he's been getting good at catching him i don't know he
was at doggy daycare today he's all tired he has a girlfriend by the way at the dog daycare
it's a fucker it's uh it's uh it's another it's another it's a female basset she's another
of the basset hound and they look so cute together it's cute all right homie english
everyone's watching don't go down there hey stupid come here you can see it from that
right don't catch it right ah he went for it but he missed it it was a bad pass bad pass
dad had a bad pass all right anyway we'll try that again later we're gonna get uh talk to
taco bell and uh so what i'm sorry what did you have there taco bell i was i was curious about
that uh axba anything chalupa uh no no chalupa i had uh crunchwrap supreme which i fucking love
i'm gonna go grab one i didn't finish it that's a good one crunchwrap supreme is fucking delicious
it's got such good mouthfeel to it you know yeah yeah oh man there's the homer machine i see him
there's homie no tacos but all wraps burrito and shit like that next in the camera switches
just a home run i'll see if i get him a ketchup pizza he's not trying at all you're fucking oh
man anyway and it looks like we lost the olive guard that sucks he probably went to the bathroom
and everything looking for us that's stupid um back to that list let's see something bill's taco
house tam's burgers tam's burgers pollo loco la micho kakana micho kakana palateria e tacos okay
At no additional charge, AT&T can help you find a similar business in the same area,
since the number you have called is not in service.
Because they've gone out of business.
Okay, understood.
Here's another taqueria.
This fucking doggie, he isn't even trying to catch the shit.
He made a liar out of his dad.
You're an asshole, man.
The rest of my pizza.
The number you have reached is not in service.
This is a recording.
None of these taco Mexican places in Compton answer.
The number you have reached is not in service.
None of them work.
This is a recording.
Just saying, don't send Carlito numbers if they don't even work.
They gotta at least rank, guys. Come on.
Like this, like this. This is a good start.
Hey, you speak English?
No.
How long after I eat the tacos until I have to take a shit in the toilet?
How long after I eat the tacos until I go to the toilet?
Juanito is the English speaker.
Who are you?
Fucking drunk, pervert, motherfucker.
Who the fuck is this?
Hijo de tu pinche reputa madre, maricón, cabrón de mierda.
Igualmente, que tengo buen día.
Fuck you.
He said, same to you, have a good day.
At least he said, have a good day.
Yeah.
All right, Homer.
Listen, this is the last one.
Because I always get the last piece.
You will catch this.
No.
Fucking failure.
All right, he needs more training.
All right, we'll try a different one.
This is Tacos, Mexico.
I wonder where they're from, and I wonder what they sell.
It's like, you never know with these places, you know?
Tacos Mexico, they could do anything there.
Shit.
At no additional charge, AT&T can help you find a...
Well, I want some DNA on my taco.
DNA?
Yeah.
You want some baby batter?
Fuck yeah.
Enjoy juice?
Shout out to everyone listening tonight.
Everyone.
All of you.
Can't stress that enough.
It is for remote access code.
We'll try a couple more Mexican places, and then we'll move on to another list.
Thank you.
Just one moment.
Call, that line is busy, rather.
Okay, next one.
Good evening.
Yeah, is this a Norteño place?
I'm sorry?
Is this a Norteño-affiliated place, or?
No, El Pollo Dorado.
Yeah, but, I mean, is this territory claimed by Norteños, or?
I'm sorry, I don't understand.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I know that this city is divided into territories between different factions of gangs,
and I want to make sure that this is not a Norteño area?
No.
Well, who claims this hood here?
Right here, sell only chicken.
Okay, but is this a Piru blood area or rolling 60s?
Yeah, what is?
What? Okay.
How long after I eat the chicken until I have to use the toilet?
For how many people?
For just one person.
Oh, one person.
Yeah, I have two pieces for $6.25 with two sides.
Okay, and how long after I eat it until I go to the toilet?
Oh, right here?
Uh-huh.
I close 9 o'clock for you right here.
Maybe 10 minutes.
Well, I have a toilet in my house.
Before.
I have a toilet in my house.
Oh, no bathroom right here.
No, but I have bathroom.
I have a bathroom in my house.
I use my bathroom.
How long does it take when I eat a pollo?
When do I have to go?
Yeah, right here.
When do I go to the bathroom?
How many, how much time goes until I have to use the toilet?
Until it comes out.
The kaki.
I'm sorry?
After I eat chicken.
When I eat chicken, you know?
I eat chicken.
Yeah.
Okay, and then some time go, and then I go to toilet for my kaka, kaki, in the toilet.
How long?
It's called the one earlier that was busy.
Moment.
I hope everyone's enjoying the show.
just trying to have fun here trying to make some people laugh trying to bring some happiness into
the world that's all we do here at madhouse radio wherever we are it just depends on the night right
now is dwight and axpa and green bee and nashby and i think that's everyone right green bee yeah
i said green bee all right take it easy catastrophe me on carlito catastrophes oh okay i didn't look
oh i thought that was expos because i i saw a cat you know and i thought it was expos or uh
i thought it was greenbeast cat well a lot of cats here hey cat how you doing yeah i'm an old
lady cat because i don't know how to use skype nope no you don't i don't know how to turn on
my computer and you have a stupid lip ring oh thank you oh oh my it's not stupid it's just
but it is a lip ring i don't know if it is you have reached a time warner cable phone customer
this mailbox is not currently accepting messages because oh shit at the meetup we're gonna get
even those pliers to kind of tug on it a little bit it's how the doctor fixed the problem
hey homer i'm out of pizza buddy i can't help you sorry dude like you can understand me right
you're right man don't get close to dobby he'll smack the shit out of you again that's dobby
uh that's homer uh is this gonna dial what's going on here whatever that means it's just not
gonna go it's just not gonna happen all right looking at parkman numbers at the moment let me
real quick look see if uh new new synth anything uh so uh any update on the milkman lately no he
won't communicate with me that's that's the only update i have and that's that's the truth that's
not me making up you know kayfabe stuff that's for real milkman won't communicate with me is he
salty uh he got real salty i've explained he got salty and he won't he won't communicate other than
Then he said thank you for wishing him a happy birthday on Halloween.
That's it.
That's all it's been so far.
I do know if he's going to come back, he has to be on Skype.
He has to figure it out.
I can't.
It just takes a lot of technical working in order to make it so he's just on the phone,
but he can hear the stuff, but the other people on the phone, it's just, I can't.
I can't.
He's got to figure his shit out.
There's no excuse why.
He's right next to the meetup, though.
Come on.
But he can go to the meetup.
Is he aware of the meetups happening?
i don't know i don't know if he talked to me he'd be aware i don't know if he knows any other way
i hope he does i mean is have you sent him a text saying hey as we're doing a meetup in
in the bay area in the spring and we'd love for you to be there well it's like i don't want i
don't want it to be like i don't want that to be the reason why we talk i wanted to talk you know
to to figure out you know i don't want it to be because of that i don't want him to think that
that's why you know i want oh it's it's a legitimate effort to try to resolve just a
personal issue that we have it's the way he was talking to me and some of the odd requests he was
making about the accommodations he needed for the show which were totally in my opinion were totally
unwarranted and excessive sorry what did he want i still don't want to get you right okay all right
I'm getting a migraine now.
Yeah, sorry, man.
I'm on my period now.
No, you're not.
Hey, same here.
No, just kidding.
That sucks, right?
Unites, you little cat.
That fucking period.
Sorry.
Hi, uh, Mouthline Caller, you're on the line, on the air.
How are you?
Hey!
Hey, horse boy!
What's up?
Hey, what's up?
Hey, it's Bob Seven.
It's Bob Seven.
Hey, yay!
Hey, it's Bob Seven.
Hey, motherfucker.
What the fuck are you doing?
Oh, we're here doing prank calls, you know.
Yeah, fuck yeah.
This shit's funny.
Hell yeah.
Yeah, it's fucking funny, man.
The fucking beginning of the show is fucking funny.
I hope so, thanks.
I hope you're being legitimate.
I don't need, you know, kiss asses calling in.
No, I love it.
Hey, are you coming?
Are you fucking coming to come?
I would like to say that I can 100% say I am.
I could say that the chances of me coming are a little bit less than they were when I said there were 90%.
But I'm hoping for a positive outcome and that I'll be there.
Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.
2-0-6-7-
It was a prank call we were trying to do, buddy.
It's okay.
Mom, I'm fucking everything up.
I'll probably be there because I live in California.
So if I get to see you, I'll suck your dick.
Don't worry about it.
Oh, okay.
Do you use your teeth?
I don't have teeth.
I have dentures.
Watch this.
I can take them out.
Oh, gum job.
I have very hard teeth.
Nice.
Easy.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
That's very important.
well all right are we gonna do prank call can i do prank call well if they pick up yeah
yeah they kind of have us they have a cat we're gonna have us in the balls
they have us in the balls uh star uh this is a hotel restaurant
they're not answering oh fucker roy's market uh what was all that commotion what is that was
that another person or a sound effect you played oh it was fucking the dead's going crazy on
on facebook right now the dead i just i talked to him on facebook man and he t all right here's
what here's what the dead told me he said is it weird that a woman isn't having sex with you but
tells you that she's on her period and i said probably because she's muslim you shouldn't be
dealing with her and he said uh he said that he converted to islam and i said that that was a bad
idea stupid and i don't think he took it very well he said he was just on and i just messaged
him and I said, hey, you motherfucker
you, and then this proceeded
to come and...
What's up, you motherfucking
bitch? How is life
treating you, you hoe?
Come and suck my
motherfucking dick, bitch.
I need to blowjob.
Oh my gosh.
That's the dead cat.
Oh yeah, I've heard of him before.
Yeah, that's him.
I need to blowjob now, bitch.
Oh shit.
I gave him your call-in number.
He's like, no one's picking up the phone.
Well, yeah, but here's the thing.
That's not how people are converting.
He told me, the people who convert to Islam don't talk like that.
And I said, all right, so why would a girl tell you her period started today if you don't even have sex?
And I said, so you don't be trying.
And she is a Muslim, and it means she can't be in the same room with you.
And he said, I am too now.
I converted to Islam.
I say, yeah, okay, stupid.
And he said, so?
and i said you can't even think about having sex with this woman if you really convert and he said
i really don't want to yet i feel a connection that's what he said to me so it sounds to me like
he's you whatever he's very he's uneasy wow yeah he's confused my brain oh not cat it's a long
story with the dead yeah no he seems uh special in a lot of ways but uh i'm gonna go out for a
of smoke and then i'll be listening oh you're gonna leave i'm sorry did we offend you i'm sorry
we didn't offend you oh period it's that time of month what can i say no i'm just kidding it's
totally not but we're just sorry if i joked about your lip ring it was just joke i'm sorry no i know
i can take a joke it's okay i mean i don't joke i'm christian all right i'll be right back bye
uh should we call him on skype carlito uh who are oh tell him he tell him to call in hey uh
Uh, Mob7, we have an opportunity for DaDead to call in, so, I mean, are you, do you really want to do a prank call, or are you just, eh?
Well, no, I just, I just was calling because I got the phone number, and I was like, yay, grocery, yay.
Just, you know, everybody can go to phonewriters.com to hang out with me if they want to.
Is that Winners with a Z or an S now?
With an S, it's the real one, it's the original, I took it over, I took it the fuck over.
Good.
You can come hang out with me on my Discord.
Okay.
Yeah, I got tossed on Discord.
Yay!
So everybody come back and hang out with me if you'd like.
Oh, welcome back.
At phonewinners.com.
All right.
All right, buddy.
So you're there.
All right.
Happy holidays.
Hey, thanks for the ROMs, man.
Thanks for the ROMs.
I've been playing Metal Gear and everything else.
Oh, cool, cool.
Yeah, that's right.
I sent you some PSX ROMs.
Awesome.
Good.
I'm glad they're working out.
Yeah, fuck you.
Doing crimes.
Yeah, we're doing fucking illicit crimes.
All right.
Well, bye, everyone.
Yay!
All right.
See you, fuck.
Mom's seven.
Oh, this is going to be a mess.
Yes, I hate to say it, but I'm going to lap my ass off.
So, has your, uh, the line's open?
If the dad, you can call in now.
Uh, Dwight, tell him to call in now.
Or try to, at least.
Tell him, uh, the line's clear.
Line's clear, line's clear.
There is a caller.
All right.
Madhouse Radio, you're on the air machine.
Oh, God.
I'm on the fucking Madhouse Radio now.
Hey, buddy.
How you doing?
How you doing, bro?
We're concerned about you.
Long time no talk, motherfucker.
the fucker do you know the muslims uh you can't you won't if you convert to islam you can't drink
alcohol for you i'm not drinking i'm not really i'm not doing that shit uh-huh all right so why
when did you meet this girl why are you no smoking no drinking no fucking eating pork
blah blah blah so yeah yeah okay all right and where is she from she's islam she's muslim but
where is she from like what sir india um she came from india like around five years ago india okay
yeah all right okay uh poor shabby okay and you met her just out where you're out and about where
um yeah i met her um it's much local um i met her around town yeah do you think this is for real
um you know what yeah um we hang out we um i buy her coffee in the morning i drive her to work
um and i drive her home after work and she sits in the car and we talk for like it can be
20 minutes or an hour and she comes over here and we just watch tv and we talk and everything
things like that um we had to plan tomorrow to um have a day out um and about but you know she had
to her the owner of the store that she works at told her that she needs to work tomorrow
so she told me that she's gonna be coming in the morning on sunday and we're gonna hang out
And I was asking her on Tuesday if she wants to hang out with my, you know, with my father and my extended family, which my step sister is married to a Indian guy.
and they have two kids together, Polish and Indian, mixed.
And she said yes.
You know, Subway is probably going to not be open on Christmas Day,
or it might be limited.
And so we're going to go over there.
hopefully we're gonna go over there if she wants to go over there and um we're gonna have maybe a
good time together did you did you put it did you put it in her ass yet no okay fuck you bro
because you can do that though no but you can do that it's it doesn't count oh my fucking god
Yeah, but it doesn't count.
Are you trying to get yourself in a relationship
where you don't have to commit sexually?
Dude, I'm fucking married, dude.
What's going on with that?
I don't want to go to hell.
What's going on with that?
You're still married?
Dude, I don't want to go to hell.
She don't want to fucking divorce me.
Oh, because for citizenship reasons?
Dude, we're fucking separated,
But she no wonder fucking before to me
Wow, okay, so how far away does woman live? Does she in the same house?
You're man. She's in the North Carolina, bro. I'm in fucking, Illinois
Oh shit, how could she get away? Can't you the doesn't she?
When is your visa expire the ex-girlfriend the ex-wife the wife the wife your wife
The ex-wife, she's my wife, bro.
I don't know when the visa fucking expires.
But then she needs to get the fuck out, right?
Um, yeah.
Uh, green card expires, she gonna go bye-bye.
And then what do you do?
If she doesn't apply for citizenship first.
And can you get divorced if she's gone for a certain amount of time?
Like a one-sided divorce?
I mean, what do you do?
Yeah, you can.
Can you?
I think you can.
I could get an automatic divorce now, yeah.
Why don't you do it?
Why would I want to do it?
Because she lives in North Carolina, you're in Illinois,
and, you know, you don't, I mean, do you still love your wife?
Do you still love your wife?
I still love her, but I like the other girl, too.
and then i like another girl so that's like you know what it's complicated i'm not gonna go into
details about this we have nashby in the line he's a a mormon or a former mormon lds he might
be able to help you out with multiple wives and stuff now he's wails and he has unprotected sex
and shit the next day?
Fuck you, the dead, I'm married.
I have a question for the dead.
What the fuck?
You married and you a...
No, and you a former
Mormon, but you swear
and have sex and
drink and...
Mormons have sex?
Have sex with multiple women or...
And shit or...
They're just married when they have sex.
Oh, fucking... You know what?
Go fuck yourself.
No, fuck you to dead, you son of a bitch.
Don't be like that, guys.
Dude, you know what I could do?
You know what, I don't fucking...
Dude, you know what?
If I was in the right frame of mind right now,
I would curse you out so fucking bad.
No, but don't.
You would go cry to your mama, you fucking checker shit.
My mother is a dirty fucking cunt, dad.
Muslims don't curse like that.
Yeah, your mother is a dirty fucking cunt, you piece of shit.
i know my mother is okay uh this is dwight and i have a question have you found that dollar that
you needed to get on the train yet to meet us in chicago hey you know what can i can i see your
mother and fuck her in the room in my house man huh not in your i wanna fucking know if i could
do that he's not gonna want to fuck on like just a mattress on the floor like you yeah plus you're
No, I have a bed, I have sheets, and I have a shit like that.
She could come, she could get an old horse, and I look as a fucker while she's watching Netflix on my iPad or some shit.
I don't know.
What iPad do you have?
Hey, D-Dead.
iPad Pro.
Hey, D-Dead.
Yeah?
Your Dominican wife is sitting on my face right now.
oh go fuck yourself you piece of shit monkey yeah that's right baby moan all right
dad why did you can you just be honest when we were in the chicago hey you know what my
roommate wants to do come and stick his cock up your motherfucking ass can i ask you a question
please dad as a friend can you just be honest with me when we were in chicago and you said
you were going to come and then the day of the meetup i didn't have any money i ran out of money
you just didn't want to you just didn't want to make the trip let's just be honest you didn't
dude i ran out of money i didn't come because i didn't have any money we told you we're going to
give you the money i was i was crying and stuff i was sad well you could we were do you there
were so many people there who said they were just going to buy you beers and all that you would have
Man, when is the next time
you coming back out?
To Illinois?
I don't know.
We're doing Chicago in March.
And I know Brad
wants to do...
We're doing San Jose in March.
What did I say?
You said Chicago.
No, no, no, we're not coming to Chicago.
But we're doing Chicago in March.
No, no, no.
says he wants
Brad says he wants
so when you're saying
you're doing Chicago in March
so you're just gonna
wake up in the street
and come over
in downtown
or some shit
and maybe you're going to be waking up to the Sears Tower
and you're going to come over the Sears Tower
from the base of the Sears Tower.
First of all, it's the Willis Tower now?
No, Sears Tower.
Bullshit.
Sears is bankrupt, you stupid fuck.
Yeah, there's not even going to be a Sears in two months.
Two fucking Chicagoans called it the Sears Tower,
Not the fucking Willis Tower, you fucking immigrant prick.
It's going to be the bankrupt tower.
Well, it's nice to meet you, man.
Accurant prick.
Yeah.
You motherfucking accurant prick.
It's the Sears Tower.
It will always be the motherfucking Sears Tower, you motherfucker.
Not the Willis Tower.
It's the Willis Tower.
It's the Willis Sears Tower.
Man, you know what?
I'm going to go over there.
I'm going to beat your motherfucking ass, okay?
So what I'm trying to tell you is that in more...
Or we're going to do a trio with your wife.
Well, I'm trying to say...
My wife wouldn't give you the time to date you.
Hang on, Nashville.
Bloated out the food.
Hey, Carlos, do you want to do a trio with your wife?
No, I don't want to.
I don't take the ass.
You take the pussy.
And there you go.
Okay, listen.
Listen, today.
What are you talking about, Willis?
Listen.
Listen, today.
Calm down.
What I'm trying to get out of here.
I forget now.
You made me forget what I was going to get at.
God damn it.
That's it for you.
All right.
In March.
We're not going to Chicago in March.
We're going to California in March.
But Brad Carter wants to do another meetup in Chicago in the summer like he did this year.
Like we did this year.
Oh, my fucking God.
So, are you going to come up with some bullshit reason?
Oh, I can't find a dollar.
of course he will
because I don't want to meet up with your
son of a bitch
are you embarrassed to meet us because of how you look
or how you
I'm embarrassed to meet you because
you guys are
fucking ugly as motherfuckers
and I'm
actually the cute one
so there you go
good looking
we're not the one whose wife left him
yeah that's true
Dude, I'm not, dude, you guys don't have a wife and two girlfriends that are fighting over him.
I have two girlfriends that fight over me.
And you're not fucking either one of them.
There's a girl on the phone, she likes you, she's a big fan and she wants to talk to you.
I have two girls that are, oh my god, oh god, is this, that's a fucking stalker?
what the motherfucking oh god that dominatrix what's her name mistress hepsy morgan no it's
not her it's rossi palm and her five sisters no that's not okay is your dad it's morgan oh
shit oh my fucking god to morgan no no it's not it's not morgan all right then who the fuck is
this it's catastrophe you son of a bitch i mean hi welcome nice to meet you yeah if you let her
talk let's see that's what don't fuck yourself okay i hate you already yeah fuck you dad you
know you're really rude i'll let you on my show and you're just being rude i'm gonna let you go
blah blah blah blah blah yeah whatever don't convert to islam okay and work things out with
your wife no i'm not gonna do that okay all right well then you go i'm not gonna i'm not gonna do
I'm not going to work shit out with my wife.
She left me.
I'm spitting her out.
And now I have this cute Indian chick.
And we're going to be starting dating and stuff like this.
And I'm still married.
Okay, cool, the dad.
Okay, nice song.
That was nice.
Hey, the dad.
Merry Christmas, the dad.
See you later.
I just launched a facial on you.
Happy holidays.
He used to be such a good friend
Look how he treats me now
He had nothing but nice words for you when we were in Chicago
He's calling me
I fucking love you bro
He's just drunk
And then he called you a cocksucker in the same sentence that he told you that he loved you
He's gonna get fucked up
The dead
What the fuck ever happened to Milkman
Uh can you
Have you talked to him
Can you try to talk to him and see if he'll talk to me
Dude, what the fuck happened between you and Milkman?
I fired him.
What the fuck?
Fire his ass.
Did he die or what happened?
I fired him.
Why?
Because he was an asshole to me.
He was very mean and I put him on the phone.
Thank you for calling.
My name is Chris.
Yeah, hi.
I'm here in your parking lot.
Okay, and there's an angry man here who won't stop talking.
Why don't you fire me?
I'm an asshole to you too.
Does this guy work for you?
Uh, I don't, I don't, I don't know.
Doe, do you know what?
Go fuck yourself and have a good day.
You may have to go into the restaurant and let them know about the guy.
Happy holidays, you piece of shit.
Hey.
Happy holidays, you piece of shit.
Why are you saying that, sir?
Why?
Yeah, so you're going to have to contact the restaurant regarding that matter.
What do you do?
I thought you were the restaurant.
No, this is online gift card support.
Okay, and then make an order?
No, you cannot place an order online with us.
I can't order a gift card?
I can't order a gift card, ignorant?
I'm sorry?
Can I order a gift card, ignorant?
Mr. Ignorant?
Sir, I'm going to ask that you keep this call professional.
You're going to ax?
I'm going to ax.
I'm axing now, sir, that you keep this call professional.
You're axing?
Yes, I'm asking that you keep this call professional.
Asking.
Hey, try to sound it out fast.
Okay, I think I'll disconnect it.
Asks.
Goddamn, he got by her quick.
I hung up on the dead.
I'm sorry we wanted to derail the show.
It sounded like a good idea.
recorded or monitored for quality assurance thank you for calling my name is how may i help you yeah
i need to make an order uh i'm sorry sir you've reached uh gift card gift card gift card i'm sorry
gift card gift card gift card i have a gift card um how can i help you i want to make an order
uh you cannot place an order without this is gift card support okay we'll support the gift card um
Is there something wrong with the gift card?
Apply gift card balance to order?
Sir, you have to contact the location you're placing the order with to do that.
I don't understand.
Are you trying to order food from one of our locations?
I'm trying to order a gift card, ignorant.
Sir, I'm going to ask that you keep this call professional.
We cannot take orders over the phone.
This is a recorded line.
So what do you do?
Do you just check balance?
What do you do?
We check the balance, or if you have issues with your card, we'll support you in fixing those issues.
However, we cannot take orders over the phone.
Okay.
You can go online.
Okay.
Place the order.
Please, please, please be quiet, please.
Do you, can I check the balance myself on the Internet?
Yeah, you can, sir.
Okay, so then you just do that same thing, but you say it.
Right.
Right. Some people do not have access to Internet, so they call and they get their balance over the phone.
But, you know, you can go to the library, you know.
They could.
Yeah.
Or they could call us.
Yeah. Yeah.
So don't you think that you're capable of something more than what you're doing now?
Well, that depends on what the customer needs.
No, but you...
We try to have as best we can.
But yourself, don't you think...
I mean, if this is what you want to do, you know, is a job that someone else, anyone else can do and get paid for it,
or do you want to do something different with your life, you know?
Well, sir, I'm here at official capacity, and I'm not here to discuss my personal life, but I appreciate the question.
Is there anything else I can help you with?
Yeah, I just, I wanted to tell you the good news about Jehovah and Jehovah's Witnesses.
Sir, unfortunately, if you don't keep this call professional,
I will have to disconnect anything else I can help you with with your gift card.
This is professional, though.
I'm not saying anything rude and nasty.
I'm talking about God.
Well, that's a personal choice and a personal conversation,
and I'm here to help with your gift card.
So unless you have another question about your gift card,
then I will have to disconnect.
Okay, can you check the balance on the gift card, then?
Sure, may I have the gift card number, please?
Yeah, it's A-S-S-H-O-L-E.
Thank you for calling Blooming Brands Gift Card Support.
You have a great day.
Bye.
Thank you for connecting due to...
Puta.
Puta.
Due to Puta.
Calling KTLA 5.
Simon Dusk.
Yeah?
Hi.
Hi.
Yes, this is the KTLA News tip line?
That's correct, yeah.
Okay, I'm in the toilet.
I'm in my toilet.
Okay, what's the story?
Uh, I went to the Olive Garden because they have all-you-can-eat pasta and it comes with bread, sticks, and soup also.
Okay.
And I went to the restroom and I was sickened to find out that it's whites only.
Said what?
It's whites only.
In the Olive Garden?
Yeah.
Do you have any photo evidence of any signs posted or anything like that?
Yeah, I took a picture of the sign. It has a picture of a white man on it.
Okay. I'm going to hang up. This is a breaking news hotline.
So have a good night.
Well, this is breaking news.
But it's true, right?
Why is...
Whatever.
Why get into it with you guys?
You guys wouldn't even remember.
The four of you are like...
True.
But we had to drink fluoride.
Oh, dude, I fucking love fluoride.
Exactly.
Calling KTLA-5.
KTLA.
Hi.
Yes, I had an incident at a restroom, a public restroom.
Okay.
I was shocked to find out that it's whites only.
What?
What are you talking about?
I was at a local Olive Garden, and I was shocked to find out that the restroom is marked as whites only.
Okay, just a moment.
Are you crazy?
Okay.
Thanks for calling KTLA.
You've reached the newsroom comment and information line.
Fax your press releases, segment ideas, and media alerts to 323-460-5333.
Please address correspondence to KTLA 5 News.
Report, yeah, right?
Sunset Boulevard, Los Angeles, California, 90028.
If you have a general message for the news department, leave it after the tone.
You fucking shit.
Fucking shit.
Thank you.
Press 1 to accept this recording.
Press 2 to listen to it.
Press 3 to re-
Fucking shit.
Fucking shit.
There you go.
Nice message.
Very nice.
Very nice.
I'm calling a number.
I don't even know what it is.
Thank you for calling OwnZone.
If you'd like to place an order, please press 1.
For questions about an order you've already placed, please press 2.
I'm sorry.
Sorry, all customer service representatives are busy at the moment.
A live customer service representative will be with you shortly.
Hello, thank you for calling to order the OwnZone headphones.
My name is Anita, and for training purposes, this call may be recorded, okay?
Anita?
Yes, sir.
Anita, dick.
I'm sorry?
This is OwnZone hearing headphones for sale, correct?
I guess she was paying attention.
Try again.
Thank you for calling OwnZone.
If you'd like to place an order, please press 1.
For questions about an order you've already...
I'm sorry.
All customer service representatives are busy at the moment.
A live customer service representative will be with you shortly.
By the way, the prank line...
The phone line is open.
405-396-MOUTH.
Jesus.
405-39-MOUTH.
That's 405-396-6884.
You can call and join us.
I call her.
How are you?
Hey, this is Dwight.
I was just checking to make sure this thing works.
Oh, yeah, it works.
Thanks for checking.
Okay, buddy.
Okay, bye.
All right, bye.
This is Manis, and I'll be assisting you today.
What's your name, Manwich?
Manis.
M-A-N-O-S.
P-E-N-I-S?
No, sir.
M-A-N-O-S.
Manos.
Yes.
All right, man.
I'm calling to order.
I had a few questions regarding the product first.
Okay, sure.
And for quality purposes, this call will be recorded.
I'm sorry?
I was saying for quality purposes, this call will be recorded.
And who am I speaking with today?
Horace.
Your name is Horace?
H-O-R-A-C-E.
Oh, H-O-R-A-C-E.
What did you think I said, Horace?
That's what I thought at first.
I apologize.
That's Horace.
Horace.
Is that how you pronounce it?
Horace.
Horace.
Oh, is it H-O-R-A-C-E?
Don't start with me, all right?
I'm sorry, H-O-R-A-C-E, is that right?
Yeah, that's right.
Okay, perfect.
Thank you, sir.
I'm sorry about the misunderstanding there.
All right.
I'm sorry.
All right. Apology accepted.
All right. And may I have your zip code, please, to which we will ship?
32808.
Did you say 32808?
Yes.
Is that in Orlando, Florida?
Yes, sir. Represent 407.
Perfect. Now, OwnZone headphones are available in your choice of black or silver
and include everything you need for wireless sound.
You can order today for just $59.99 plus $5.99 processing and handling.
Your purchase is covered by 100% 90-day money-back guarantee.
Even returns are free.
Now, in a minute, I'll tell you how you can save $30 on a second pair of OnZone headphones.
But first, let's choose the color you'd like.
Would you like our OnZone headphones in black or silver?
Well, I had a question about it, and you completely skipped over that part.
I don't know if you noticed me going blah, blah, blah.
I kind of didn't want to hear that whole part of what you had to say.
Okay, what's the question, sir?
So, my wife is cheating on me, and I wanted to see if I could use these to hear what's going on.
Are you serious?
Yeah, serious.
Yeah, I wanted to be able to see if this could let me hear if she's, you know, with the neighbor.
Well, these are headphones.
Well.
So, you plug them into the device, and it picks up what the device is doing, or what audio the device is putting out.
It picks up what audio the device is putting out.
That's right.
Okay, yeah, but it's a good...
So the audio that your device was putting out, is your wife keeping you updated?
Yeah, but it works like up to 100 feet.
Okay.
All right, and this is my next-door neighbor.
I should be able to hear what's going on.
Because she says it's like 2 in the morning.
She's like, she needs to go out for a walk.
And I was watching the other day to see her for her walk,
and she didn't even go around the block.
She went straight to the neighbor's house, and then the lights went off.
Okay.
And then she comes out like 30 minutes later.
So you said your neighbor's house is about 100 feet away?
Less than that.
Oh, less than 100 feet?
Well, the room, the bedroom that I suspect that they're having sex in is less than that.
Well, there you go.
For my garage.
So what would I do?
The transmitter, would I have to put this inside the room that the sex is happening in?
Let me bring up a little bit more specifics for you so I can tell you more specifics on, you know, with the transmitter.
Are you doing that now?
Yes.
Okay.
Okay, and how long does it take to come up?
Well, when I find it, I should just be able to click on it.
How do you do it?
What do you mean, sir?
How do you do it?
Do you have an intranet page that you go to to get information on it, or is it a PDF document?
It's FAQs.
They're FAQs, so it's HTML-based then?
I'm sorry, I don't understand why that's information you need to know.
Because it gives me an idea about how long it's going to take and how you're getting the information.
Okay.
Well, I mean, I don't know the specifics.
I could give you the customer service number.
They'd be able to tell you the more specifics.
No, no, but I tried to call customer service earlier in the day when they were open,
and they said since I haven't purchased it that I would have to actually speak to you.
Oh, okay.
Well, I wouldn't be able to tell you exactly how the scripting works, how they have it set up.
So you don't even know how the product works?
Not the product.
I'm not referring to the product.
You were asking about how the FAQs are put into the system.
Yeah, and you said scripting, but it would be coding, actually.
Well, what I mean is this is a script that we follow.
We have FAQs on the side, and how those FAQs are put into the script, I don't understand myself.
I don't have any idea.
They don't tell me that.
Yeah, but are you looking at a website, or is it an application, a proprietary application?
It's a script.
It's a script.
Call comes in, script comes up, read off the script, if a queue's on the side.
You have a computer system that handles the incoming call queue?
That's right.
Okay, and it displays my information on the call, my incoming DTMF information and all that?
I mean, we do have your on-the-caller ID.
That's about all we have.
Okay.
We have the callback number on the caller ID.
And then you have different options for ordering and things like that?
I can place an order for the main offer, and that's it.
All you have is one button that says order main offer?
Again, sir, I'm not sure what this has to do with the product.
Did you even find the information yet?
Because you've been wasting a lot of time trying to find it.
I thought by now you would have found it, you know?
Well, with discussing exactly how my scripting works and things like that,
it makes it difficult to concentrate on the FAQs for me to find the information for you.
I apologize.
Orange Kool-Aid.
If you'll bear with me just a moment, I'd be happy to find it for you.
Okay, because you could have been doing that this whole time.
Are you still looking?
Sure am.
Are you waiting for it to load?
Yes, sir, just looking through the FAQs.
You're scrolling through?
You know, sir, you actually seem to have a whole lot of questions that I may not have the answer for.
I'm asking, but what I'm asking pertains to what you're doing now actively on the phone.
They have nothing to do with my main question.
I'm just trying to get an idea as to why it's taking so long.
Like, is there a certain phrase or term that you're looking that might stand out to you
while you're scrolling through the script?
Exactly, yes.
What is that?
How the transmitting works, how to exactly use the OnZone headphones precisely.
All right, can you hit Control-F and then type in a keyword that you're looking for?
It doesn't work that way, sir, no.
You don't have a search function?
No need, sir.
The Q&As are not entirely and possibly long.
Yet here we are still waiting for you to find it.
Absolutely, yes.
Okay.
It just seems entirely long.
I apologize for the wait time.
Please bear with me.
Let's go.
Because I'm starting to get agitated now.
Well, I'm so sorry.
I apologize for the wait time, sir.
I'm not trying to be nasty or crass or anything,
but I'm just trying to warn you ahead of time
that when I get agitated, after a while I start raising my voice
and my demeanor changes to be more negative.
I make condescending remarks in a condescending tone.
I slow down the rate at which I speak.
And it sounds almost like cocky, is what I'm told, or entitled.
So, I mean, I just want to give you a heads up that that might be coming soon if you don't hurry the fuck up.
I'm sorry for...
And I'm going to give you a heads up, sir.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
That if you use that, that we do not use that sort of language on this line.
It's just a professional line.
Yeah.
And I'm going to have to ask you to please refrain from using that.
Okay.
I understand, and I apologize.
I didn't know, that was just a way for me to find out because you hadn't told me that at the beginning of the call.
So words like that wouldn't be appropriate once they get aggravated or frustrated with you, correct?
That's right.
All right.
And you're still looking?
What exactly precisely would you like to know about the Onzone headphones?
Because I feel like what I'm searching for here is a little bit broad.
How does it go?
How does it go?
What do you mean exactly like how does it go?
How do you make it go?
When you say how do you make it go, do you mean how do you work it at all?
Well, yeah. How does it work? How does it go?
Well, first you want to check these items if you cannot hear an audio from your own zone.
So if you're having problems getting it to function at all, you would ensure that the transmitter is powered on.
The transmitter requires a USB power source at all times.
Of course. Ignorant.
So it is not battery operated.
You would check to see that the transmitter and your headphones are both turned on.
Yeah, yeah.
Now, a solid blue light will illuminate on both the transmitter and headphones.
Check that all cables from the TV to the transmitter are connected properly.
Optical, auxiliary, RCA should be plugged into the audio out for it on your television.
Yeah, as I explained to you, hang on, but as I explained to you, this is not a TV I'm going to be listening to.
I'm going to be listening to my wife having relations with the next-door neighbor.
it sounds like it's like like that like this that's the best approximation of what i'm expecting
to hear okay okay so so you're not going to be plugging these into the tv at all you just expect
them to work independently without plugging them into anything well i mean there are transmitters
so they should be able to hear that you know well they need to be plugged into a tv well do i plug
it into like her you know her private area no sir that's not how you'd work that uh into his private
area no sure that's not how you'd work that what about the rectum the the you know i'm really
feeling like this is a prank call no um i really feel like like you're asking questions that are
just completely out of the ordinary and and um i really feel like this is getting to the point to
where it's pornographic in nature and also and that also would not be tolerated on this line
this is a professional line sir and this is your second warning about things like this if i have to
if i have to tell you again i'm just gonna hang up it's not necessary to hang up on that i'm
hanging up for what for what for what for what for what for what for what for what for what
i do like the what got me the most was when you were warning him
that your attitude was coming when you were already giving him the attitude oh my oh that
That was nothing. You've heard me before.
I'm just letting you know it. It's coming.
I'm getting there.
You're still looking it up? Still?
No, this is Chuck.
Hello, and thank you for calling. I'm Carlito, the host of this show.
How can I help you?
So, you know, it's a pornographic warning, and this is not acceptable.
It's not acceptable, and this is your second warning, and if I hear it again...
This is your third strike, sir.
This is your third warning. I'm going to end this call right now.
I'll play ball with you, so this is your second strike, all right?
And I need your third one here.
Thanks.
Thanks for giving me a third strike.
Thanks for taking away a strike.
I appreciate it.
Not everyone is willing to do that.
Yeah, no problem.
It's a wonderful Friday night, you know?
Yeah.
It's a good mood in the air, and I give you a first strike, you know?
You deserve it.
Do you wish to identify yourself?
Sometimes that helps me out to get a mental picture of your race.
Yeah, no.
I think I'm not tonight.
I feel pretty, pretty, you know, pretty losing the book for you, so.
Okay, you don't have to.
Listen, don't start with me.
You don't have to.
I'm not saying you have to.
I'm just saying.
I'm just asking.
Some people like to say what they are.
Whatever.
Well, thanks for calling, and hang on there if you want to hear a prank call, okay?
We're going to get a, I'm going to, I've got a one-bedroom apartment.
Dwight, do you want to get a one-bedroom apartment?
Wonderful.
Wonderful.
Okay.
Mr. Dwight.
Wonderful.
Mr. Dwight, sir?
Dwight there?
No?
He's here.
He's here.
He's just playing.
He's just playing.
Are you interested in, uh, yeah, he's probably playing GTA 5 again, like always.
you or anyone else want to call for
an apartment that also i'll fucking call for an apartment okay okay all i've got is a one-bedroom
apartment for rent twelve hundred dollars newly renovated yeah tell me and away we go can't wait
to make pizza omelets tomorrow it's gonna be great how are you hi how are you i'm good i'm
calling about apartment yes um can you call me back in the morning it's almost one o'clock in
the morning no i i really can't because i'm gonna i have a few other apartments that people are
showing people i gotta rob those so i'd really like to see yours tonight i have a couple other
apartments that are open that i'm gonna rob tonight and i just want to make sure that i
could see this one don't call my phone with this illegal mess do not call my phone we're calling
We're calling you right back.
We're calling you right back.
Oh, she don't like that.
They're calling that an illegal mess.
Jesus.
What?
Yeah, the fucking porn noise is in the background, too.
She's like, what the fuck?
What the fuck?
Can you say that again?
Listen, do not call this phone again.
I'm going to call a lot.
You're a mixed race couple?
Don't.
You're a mixed race couple over there?
Dude, don't call this phone again.
That's disgusting.
Do not.
Listen to me.
You're a race tree.
Do not call this phone.
Do not call this phone.
We will pray for you.
We have video of your girl.
Do not call this phone.
We have video of your girl.
On everything that God has put on this earth.
Look, this is your girl.
We have video of your girl.
Do not call this phone.
We're praying for you.
God bless you, sir.
Do you hear me?
What are you going to do about it?
What are you going to do about it, motherfucker?
Do you hear me?
What are you going to do about it, motherfucker?
Yeah, I want you to settle down, fucking John Redcorn.
Piece of shit.
Do you hear me?
No.
Do you hear me?
No, stupid.
God is watching all, and you shall deal with the demons.
That's easy.
Easy, I beat that level.
God is watching all.
Yeah, he's fucking John Redcorner from King of the Devils.
The sunbird is watching you.
You should have talked in the devil voice.
Yeah, I should have.
That takes a little work.
I had to reach over and I'm fat.
Oh, you're a good devil.
And everything.
And all my ancestors.
Was that Larry?
They're into a world.
Larry.
I don't.
I don't know who's like Larry.
I don't have a viewer.
I told you already.
These numbers are from Big Ethan
Do not call tonight
These numbers are from Big Ethan
And I sat on them too long
And they're East Coasters
So if they answer they're going to be really pissed off
Yeah
Here's a Galaxy S7 Edge
An old piece of shit
It's called $250 for an S7 Edge
No thanks
Three generations old bro
I don't care if it's an Edge
You've reached James' cell phone
Please leave a message and I'll call you back
I'm just saying he sounds kind of Jewish.
Meet a star and get paid.
Midtown West, Craigslist map data.
This is what?
Compensation, $35 to $50.
Are you close or move in New York City and want to meet a star?
Well, here's your chance to meet Daniel Radcliffe and get paid for netting him.
What?
The gig goes as follows.
For the two or two and a half hours you're getting paid to get a signature from Mr. Radcliffe?
Who's Daniel Radcliffe?
Is he a singer?
I should know that name.
That's the ginger wizard, right?
The ginger wizard?
He's a wizard?
No, it's Harry Potter.
Oh, is that who that is?
Oh, is that Harry Potter?
Okay.
So what you're saying?
You should totally play it like you're up to kidnapping him.
So yeah, yeah, I understand.
I got to go net him.
But it's cool.
It's all right.
so he has a show that runs about an hour and a half you're waiting at the stage door when he
leaves and take his time to sign for everyone the 35 is for your time so apparently daniel
radcliffe will definitely sign your shit and these people want to pay you to get your shit
signed by him so i guess they can resell it okay wow that sounds big as shit but all right go for
it crazy hustle okay i'm gonna say that i bumped that i bumped into daniel radcliffe and he
punched me i don't know you cursed me i gotta say something really awkward you reach anthony please
leave a message thank you you reach anthony please leave a message thank you thank you
that ain't going down that sucks we had a cute and playful french bulldog male looking for a new
family anyone have an idea anyone want to take that not me ever what's the thing what is it
Cute and playful French bulldog male looking for a new family to vaccinations prevention of fleas and worms microchip
There's also a large gun safe
I'm not very confident that they will pick up because of the hour, but you never know. Yeah, you have the bulldog
Yes, I'm very interested. No problem, but you in California. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's where my phone's from
I just moved from California. I think you're in the state of California
No, I moved.
I'm in Brooklyn now.
I moved from California, and that's where my cell phone, I registered it out there.
I bought it.
Oh, okay.
Okay, no problem.
So what can you tell me about this bulldog?
I have him.
He's a very good boy.
He's a very cute boy.
And he's almost 11 weeks.
Tomorrow he's going to be 11.
He has two shots.
He has prevention of fleas and worms.
He has microchip.
Okay.
Does it let you put clothes on it
Because I like to dress my dogs up
One more time please
Does it let you put clothing on it
Because I had dogs in the past
Where I could put a funny Christmas sweater on it
And antlers
And things like that
Do you think it would be okay with that
No
Wait until Christmas
I'm sorry my English is not good
Oh okay
The microchip
I want to get the dog because I collect microchips, and I had a microchip go out in my computer.
So I figure if I get the dog, then I can take the pliers, and I can pull the microchip out of the dog,
and I can put it in the computer and make it go faster.
Yes, yes, yes.
You can put this in a computer, and it works like a GPS, but you need to register it.
It's not registered.
It's not gift-wrapped?
I don't need a gift-wrap because I'm going to take the chip out while I'm driving back home,
and I'm going to toss the dog out the window into traffic.
What do you want to do with it?
It's just a microchip.
It's not registered.
Yeah, yeah.
No, I just want the microchip.
I want the dog.
I take the microchip out.
The microchip's gone.
I roll down the window, and then I get up to 88 miles per hour, just like Doc Brown,
and then I toss the dog out the window.
Look, look, look, Dwight.
I'm sorry.
Look, he's obviously not going to toss the dog.
He doesn't celebrate Christmas.
You can tell him that in the sound of his voice.
He doesn't celebrate this holiday.
I'm sorry.
Oh, my God.
Is this true, sir?
You don't celebrate Christmas?
what do you mean are you russian yeah i'm russian oh you know what you people are people are
disgusting assholes and we're gonna kick your ass the united states the united states is gonna
kick your russian's ass basuni you know fuck you fuck you we have a three to one missile
superiority over you you know that right yeah whatever fucking fuck i don't you know i'm really
anti-russia and i'm really anti-chinese and i'm not ashamed to say it i go around all the time
I'm saying fuck Chinese.
I'm okay with Chinese people in the States,
people that have immigrated to the States looking for a better life
because most times that means that they're looking to escape the bullshit in China
or they actually embrace democracy and our values.
But for those mainland Chinese people over there,
they're racist against anyone who's not Chinese, even other Asians.
They're disgusting.
they're disgusting they and they have that that country is full of people who have no problem
stealing stealing uh intellectual property and then they do what they want to complain about
you know what fuck them you know and they're really they're inferior to us anyway they're
inferior people and it's true and the russians are no better the russians are just looking to
get their asses kicked that's all it is hey carlina watch it i'm not a racist for saying
Whatever that means.
It translates to...
Eat my dick, Russian cocksucker.
All right, get it ready.
I didn't get it typed in in time.
Get ready.
Let's see if it picks up.
It probably won't.
Oh, no, I'm going to fart.
I can tell you're Russian.
I can tell that.
Please leave your message for 92945.
I know these things, man.
I mean, I've been doing this for a while.
He was either Russian or Polish, but I'm over with Russian.
i could have but no oh that fart stinks oh wow all right all right caller anonymous caller thanks
for calling we will clear the line to see if we get another caller thanks for joining it's been
great thank you sir it was a pleasure you have a happy holiday if we don't talk to you before then
all right see you later that's that line is now free if you want to join in 405-396-6884 that's
It's 405-39-MOUTH, and you can join the show.
There's already another caller.
For those asking, I haven't even thought about the Christmas Eve show.
I suppose we'll probably do a show Monday, Christmas Eve.
I haven't talked to Brad about it.
I always do it with him.
It's usually me, Brad, and Dark Stranger.
And Brad's not around on Fridays.
It's the night for him to be with his family.
I'm sorry.
Someone was just calling the mouth line, and I didn't pick up in time.
Here we go.
Caller, thanks for calling.
Please be nice.
Questions only.
Hello?
Okay, great.
Are you going to play sound effects?
Is that it?
That's twice.
Who are you?
Okay.
The Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Yeah.
That totally isn't totally September 10th at all.
Yeah, the failed governor of California.
Wow.
Totally isn't old and 17 years old.
That whole, let me call you with the Arnold Schwarzenegger soundboard.
Oh, I'm Detective John Kimball.
Who is your daddy?
What does he do?
hilarious mr 12 year old thank you though it's a good start you dummy you had a chance to talk
and everything you could have made fun of me you could have owned me and dwight and nashby and
axba and catastrophe no that's wrong this isn't a slave nation anymore he can't own me well i'm
just saying he could have like completely destroyed us but like you guys maybe he could
wreck me you guys suck macron shows the best all that stuff he didn't have his big moment he didn't
Thank you for calling Mount Shasta Mall.
If you're experiencing a true emergency or to speak with someone in security, press 1.
If you know your party's extension, press 2.
To access our company directory, press 3.
Let's see if they're open.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
Hi, this is Shasta Mall, right?
This is.
I'm in the bathroom, the men's room.
How are you doing?
Well, you tell me. I'm kind of upset and confused here.
What's going on?
Well, I don't know. What do we do here? What am I going to do?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Well, I'm here.
I'm in the restroom.
I'm waiting.
I've done killed that.
I've killed that idea, man.
This is going to sound like I'm doing some kind of drug deal.
Like, yeah, I'm waiting.
I'm here.
We're supposed to be here.
Cool.
So I heard that at CVS stores, and first of all, are there CVSI's, CVS's in the West
Coast or it's not, right?
Katasha, are you familiar with the drugstore chain, CVS?
Yeah, CVS is here.
Oh, really?
I thought you were just Walgreens country out there.
Yeah, we have Walgreens, too.
Oh, fuck, right.
We don't have much of shit.
You don't have Rite Aid, though.
Fuck Rite Aid.
No, we have Rite Aid, too.
What the fuck?
We have fucking everything, dude.
Man, I miss Walgreens.
I used to love me some Walgreens when I lived in Florida.
Now, they don't have that shit here.
All we got is Rite Aid and CVS.
I can make a funny joke right now, except it's not funny.
We have everything except low rent.
Dude, Dwight, take, no, put it back on your shirt.
Oh, my God.
Dwight took his shirt off?
Dwight has his shirt off.
Oh, my God.
This is not shitting, man.
Dwight took his shirt off.
No, he's wearing a tube top.
No, no, no, no, no.
No.
Not.
Hi, caller.
Anyways.
Oh, there he goes.
Caller.
Caller.
What?
No.
What?
You're a caller.
No, I'm not.
Okay.
You're not.
Okay, not caller.
No.
No, I'm not park man either.
No.
Okay.
Not at all.
You're not park man and you're not caller.
Okay.
Cool.
Not caller.
I'm not park man.
I'm not.
No.
No.
All right, cool.
Cool story, bro.
Nice.
How are you doing?
Thanks for calling, though.
Thanks for not calling, right?
Am I right?
I didn't call this number.
You don't know what you're doing?
You just connected?
I didn't disconnect.
It's all right, man.
Sir, you're having like a seizure or something.
It's okay.
I'm Carlito.
We do a prank call radio show, and you've been connected to me.
All right?
Don't panic.
Well, I need to call or something.
I mean, I don't understand.
Hello, and thank you for calling the Ready and Will Be store at 6468 in the Mount Shasta Mall.
I mean, I think you're okay.
Our regular store hours are Monday through Saturday, 10 a.m. to 9 p.m.
And Sunday...
Mom!
Your call is being transferred.
I'm on the phone with somebody I don't know.
Don't help me.
That's great.
Very nice.
Yeah, yeah, sir.
We're going to have to ask you to leave.
This is a professional line.
Yeah, that was a stupid part.
Hello, and thank you for calling the Ready and Will Be store at 6468 in the Mount Shasta Mall.
Your call is being transferred.
No, it's not.
Adrian, I'm here in the bathroom and there's a guy in here. He's he's really confused. He doesn't know
He doesn't know what's going on he says
You have security here
Hey stupid, how old are you yell at me? I'm gonna beat the fuck out of you. How old are you?
listen you see this i'm gonna put this fish right in your face you're gonna get a knuckle sandwich
motherfucker how old are you i don't know he's like 13 or something sir i i just checked his
underwear it says he's uh 16 years of age his name is uh henry henry underwear henry hey henry
no no whoa whoa whoa don't don't no no no hey stop i gotta i gotta get out of here
I've got to get out of here.
I'm sorry.
Henry, Henry, calm down.
Oh, shit.
Ma'am, are you there?
Yes, are you in our bathroom right now?
Yeah, he's, this kid Henry's.
I think he was in here doing heroin or something.
Kid, hey, Henry.
Okay, what?
Stop.
Hey, kid, kid, calm down, calm down.
Jesus.
Ma'am, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down.
Ma'am, are you there?
Hello?
He definitely sent someone to check.
Oh, my God, it's my pastor.
It's my pastor.
When you play all those breaking sound effects,
I'm sitting here imagining in my head
how much glass and mirrors I must have had
in that fucking bathroom for all that to have happened.
I know, yeah.
I like when I've done that in elevators,
and it's like,
we don't have glass on our elevators, sir.
I'm like, I brought bottles in here to break.
Yeah.
All right, caller there,
whoever you are,
since you don't want to say who you are,
and you have to be like,
oh, Vietnam flashback, I called.
No, this is not Parkman.
That's all I'm saying.
Okay, all right, not Parkman.
Thanks for not calling as Parkman.
Totally.
And not pranking.
Yeah, thanks.
Well, he helped out a little bit.
I didn't prank anybody.
I don't send numbers or anything like that.
No, this is not Parkman.
That's all I'm saying.
I know Parkman.
I know Parkman's voice.
I know you're not Parkman, so it's obvious.
No.
Okay.
I didn't stare at the chicks at the Chicago meetup.
I didn't.
the chicks do anything i i did what chicks i did i didn't give dwight a mop um no i didn't do any
of that this is not parkman okay all right okay all right buddy well hey thanks for calling in
not parkman you're gonna clear the line now all right thanks i hope you're a friend of the show
i hope you're not just calling to sneak one in it wouldn't be the first time all right see ya
bye long goodbyes all right good yay caller i love all our callers you know what i did today
for a second time okay i backed out of my garage and i broke my right side side mirror for a second
time at least i didn't i was about to replace it and i decided to wait a couple weeks and i had
already backed out and hit it once and then i did it again and i had just been i had just been
thinking yesterday you know what uh no dude i was totally like on my way i was like it was
sticking to my i was like it was just in the morning going to work and i was like oh yeah
i totally got enough room and i stopped and i was doing it real still so yeah totally left room
totally got it totally got it and then crack again so it's even it's even more damage i mean
who the fuck really needs mirrors anyway as long as you got that reverse one in your mirror you're
fine well that's totally not true technically with my vision issue i'm supposed to have
dual dual mirrors so i am in violation right now i've been in violation since it first happened
now i'm really in violation i think i'm gonna have to stop parking in the garage
and also because of what's been going on with me i just i'm having a lot of trouble focusing
and stuff and i'm afraid it's uh it hasn't been affecting me at work luckily i've been
but i am making noticing little things here and there kind of weird a chauffeur yeah the wife i
can't like i want her to drive me around what's the fun of that i got out of work and i can't
drive you know to eat the food i'm not supposed to eat and then hide the wrappers like i do every
day you know how many pizza boxes are under the the thing in my trunk no i had him in the trunk
where you pull up the thing to get to the
to the
to the wheel well.
Yeah, I hide them in there.
I hide them in there, yeah.
I make them really flat and I hide them in there.
No. Until it won't stay flat anymore
then I go, there's an apartment
complex near to here
and I just throw all the cardboard
into the, on a Saturday
or a Sunday when their office is closed
I drive over there
and I open the trunk and I
and I just started tossing cardboard back there.
Your wife always gets in your car and is like,
why does your car always smell like pizza?
No, I swear, I swear, honey, I don't touch this stuff anymore.
Oh, especially in the summer, it smells like pizza.
It sounds like somebody needs to roll up a newspaper
and whack you on the nose and say, no!
It sounds like someone's addicted to bad food and is going to die.
That's what it sounds like.
No, no!
Yeah, come on, Dwight, you saw me at the meetup.
I'm dying. I'm going to die.
Don't have an early death. You come to the meetup, goddammit.
I don't know. I'm not going to die, like, in a month.
I hope not.
I hope not, too. You might get hit by a big-ass fucking bus named Catastrophe.
All right, thank you.
I'll bring him back from the grave.
I'll bring him back from the grave.
If I die, it's your guys' fault for saying that.
I want you to die at the meet-up so we can do Weekend at Bernie's with your body.
You're going to push me and pull me around?
Yeah, yeah. Anybody dies at the meet-up, we're using your body for Weekend at Bernie's 3.
You can't carry me around, Dwight. I'm not a fucking mom, all right?
I'm going to tie my shoelaces to your shoes
and the greenbees will get to the other side
and we're going to fucking bob you around town.
I like the second part because you can make me dance.
We got Carlito's corpse over there
doing the fucking floss.
Get him a hooker while we're at it.
No, actually, Bernie's
fucking girlfriend or mistress, whatever,
she fucked him while he was already dead.
What the fuck?
Which reminds me, by the way,
that reminds me in the second movie um was it any music that would make him dance or was it just
calypso music that was any music any music and and why didn't the two uh uh india the two like
west indian guys didn't they mess up because they use a uh a chicken instead of a something
it used fucking like kfc instead of a live chicken that's what i thought
i am so confused i don't know what the fuck movie you guys are talking about
Weekend at Bernie's?
Weekend at Bernie's 2.
No, I've never seen it.
Oh, you've got to watch it.
Oh, no.
Oh, man.
Put up a movie night.
Come on.
Make it happen.
Just act like it won.
Make it happen.
Just fudge the numbers.
No, it's Christmas.
God damn it.
I already have my five movies.
What are they?
What are they?
What are they?
What are they?
No, it's done.
Well, what are they?
What's on the list for the Christmas time?
All right.
What's on the list for this week?
Let's go.
Let's go.
I know.
Yeah, let's go.
Let's go.
uh we have scrooge love actually fuck you dwight crap i like that movie home alone one a christmas
story and gremlins crap but we've already watched home alone one it's all crap no we haven't watched
last year last year we don't want to see it again kira knight kira knight actually and she's
fucking hot dude kira knightley is fucking hot and she looks exactly like natalie portman
she looks exactly like natalie portman well this is her young youngish days because that movie
Well, that actually came out like over 10 years ago.
She's still in the youngish days.
She's still in the youngish days.
Take out Home Alone 1.
I would say like early 20s.
She still looks the same.
Listen, listen, listen, listen.
Take out Home Alone 1.
It's going to be on fucking TV all Christmas.
It's going to be on TV like 50 times.
Anyone can watch it.
What do you want me to replace Home Alone 1 with?
Weekend at Bernie's 2.
That was my choice.
Weekend at Bernie's 2.
It's a great holiday movie.
Bernie's 2?
Weekend at Bernie's 2.
Weekend at Bernie's 2.
The Barney's. Wicked and Barney's.
He's like Barney.
Wicked and Porky's.
Yeah, yeah, alright.
Porky's went downhill after the first one.
Good. It probably won't win anyway.
And Home Alone, fuck that, man.
Don't be a spy, that's Christmas time.
I'm just over it, man.
I'm over it, I'm over Home Alone 2.
Everybody vote for Gremlins.
Gremlins, that I'll watch.
And we need to get Goonies up on there too, man.
Goonies is going to make an appearance.
Gremlin was on AFC
the other night. I caught, like, the last 15 minutes
like, the gremlin was throwing
fucking big-ass saw blades at this
kid's head. Dude, I love gremlins.
It's so good.
And then, uh, Christmas Day, uh, IFC
is playing Die Hard for 24 straight
hours. Oh, nice.
That's cool. Alright, so, uh, I can
either end the show, or I can take a break and
come back and do a little bit.
Yeah, take a shit. Take a shit.
Alright, I'll take a break. I'll do a little few more
pranks here, and then I'll take a break.
And I'll try to come back.
I'm looking at new recipes to cook.
Snack a bake on Groundhog Day for a Christmas movie.
Groundhog Day?
I mean, it's in the winter.
Oh, right, right.
I was looking up for it.
Oh, yeah, that's true.
We did watch Goonies already.
I missed it, though.
It's not fair.
Oh, yeah.
Because, yeah, they tried to watch it the weekend of the Chicago meet-up.
Well, that sucks.
let's see
who can I call
who can I call
let me go back to the numbers list
here
Yeah, it's currently twerking with a song.
Yeah, it's not, because that's not a thing.
It's super unattractive in my opinion, but whatever.
Yeah, twerking's kind of old now, right?
I just don't think it's attractive.
It's gross.
All right, so we've got Scrooge, Love Actually,
Fuck You, Dwight, Groundhog Day,
A Christmas Story, and Gremlin.
Yep, that's it.
I'm calling it
There's no more fucking people
Who can't do this shit
Next time
And I'm going to have a smoke
So I'll be right back
Okay
Now I'm regretting saying I was going to do more shit
But it's okay
Here is
They're looking for a drummer in a band
That might work, let's try it
In case of a fast pickup
We ask you to let us know that you're not a voicemail system.
Yes.
Hi, this is Dave.
I can't take your call at this time.
If you would, please leave your name, phone number, and a brief message.
I'll return your call as soon as possible.
Thank you.
Cock sucking white devil Dave.
Listen, I'm just going to take that break because I've got to pee.
I'm going to get some caffeine
I'm going to get animated
We're going to get hype
We're going to come back
Dwight McClanahan is here
Dwight the janitor
Nashby's here
Catastrophe's out smoking
And of course Green Bee
Host of the Green Bee show
Is here as well
When we come back
I don't know
I don't know what we're going to call
I don't know
I don't know
I'm just going to call
We're just going to do shit alright
Just sit there
And shut up
And listen to the prank calls
And don't give me any shit
Don't get smoked, no.
And I'm out.
Yeah, we'll be back right after this.
They put your GPS in your box.
You open it and you go straight.
Madhouse Radio is back.
You are bigger than a woman.
You are better than a woman.
We'll always be behind you.
Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
I'm here
This is Carlito reporting
I'm joined by Dwight McClanahan
Nashby McClanahan
And Green Bean
Thank you gentlemen for staying in there
I noticed that Catastrophe left
She hates me
She's drunk and passing out
Oh, whatever
She said I was just fine a minute ago
phone just saying uh any ideas for pranks guys let's call a hotel and tell them we set the upper
floors on fire and leave escape uh a motel okay yeah and do that whatever you said if you want
me you want the hotel that crazy fucking guy the old bench oh yeah yeah yeah i could play my
banjo curse thing maybe he'll say something back to that right provide the number please sir if you
don't mind it is a common right didn't someone else send a number in skype i was supposed to
call uh jag that's gotta be too late someplace that he's at right now it's gotta be too late
though right i think we're still there what the fuck i copy the number and it gives you the
yeah you're pretty dumb i got the number i can get the number from here
no i said i got it oh no i already got it it's right there no i got it this is it then
we're the same motel yeah this is a crazy bench on the bench on 9-1-1 guy
i think he meant to say bloody 9-1-1 but he was just all you know
yeah he said bench or it said because of the b
i listened to that like three times today i don't know why i had already heard it before too but
let's just that call i don't like my call after it was okay the guy didn't get mad what happened
happened after yeah true the person you have dialed can't take your call now at the tone
please record your message when you have bullshit now they don't even have an overnight guy oh they
got an overnight guy he's probably checking someone out he's like no phones no phones at
night i don't have any phones in the room so it's not like he's transferring right the person you
have dialed can't take your call now at the tone please record your message when you have finished
Simply hang up or press the pound key for further options.
i looked up some of those curses some of them were pretty funny and that that tirade there were
a few that i saw there but now i don't remember them again so what's the point right what's the
fucking point yeah if anyone wants to call in 405-396-6884 i can guarantee at least 30 minutes
worth of prank calls left in me right now i apologize for that number i kind of knew
i apologize oh no dude that's all right it's their fault for not picking up it's their fault
uh what's the jag tv stat can you can you copy paste that number and any other info he passed
along like who else was you know who might have been there here is the information okay don't
mention your boy jag understood that's when you just straight up call and ask for jag
i know jag's real name i know jag's real name thank you for calling open sunday through
wednesday 11 a.m to 11 p.m thursday 11 a.m midnight friday and saturday 11 a.m to 2 a.m
oh they're up don't help you yeah john there uh john who uh john that works there red jack red
hair john i think we have a john here is his name john or something with a j jack john at the bar
Red Jacket?
I can't think.
Red Jacket, John.
Big John, you know.
Come on.
I can't think of a bartender.
Help me.
No, maybe it's just something.
John, he's got a red jacket.
Name is John.
Should be at the bar.
I don't.
Is he a bartender or is he just a customer here?
I'm not sure.
He's got a red jacket and he's at the bar.
I think he's a customer there.
Is it like an Ohio State jacket, like a pullover?
It's red.
Is it a red jacket that you're looking at?
No, I don't see him right now, but I know of a gentleman here earlier who was kind of tall, around 1'6", 2", with a red Ohio State pullover.
He's not there anymore?
No.
Is he a regular?
I think so. I'm not sure. I don't know how much he comes in here.
He's a handsome-looking sailor, you know?
I guess.
Yeah, what about you, sailor? Do you like it when I do this, when I touch you like this?
Waited too long for that. I'm sorry, Jag. Don't hate me.
we should just ask for you got a microphone yeah so again if anyone wants to watch me doing prank
calls you can do so by heading over to facebook i am madhouse i'm carlito cross on facebook i
should be facebook.com slash madhouse.live but you can watch me live speaking alive doing a facebook
live what used to be the youtube feed without music is now the facebook live feed with music
yeah it's here for facebook sponsor the first first uh last hour of the show oh yeah so it's
now we're pretty i'm pretty sure that we're gonna make a permanent move i'm gonna make a permanent
move madhouse radio on friday nights i think that's so you can do your stand-up machine
yep yep it's coming in the new year yes sir so i've been working on the set i got some jokes
I've been working on for example I was writing one so yeah I started doing
these voicemail things when I when I'm usually when I'm half asleep or if I'm
driving or if I'm you know smoking marijuana and stuff like that I come
with ideas and some of them aren't that funny but I can play some of them if you
want to hear yeah I don't have many right now in the voice memo here's what
I'm thinking about let's see this plays correct when you pause the music I hope
up you can hear this jesus i think i'm half asleep in this one i think i was so wake up like
at two in the morning to pee and i'll have a funny idea and i'll uh say it let's see if this comes
so that my i'm working on a joke about the shriners kids because i woke up like a 2 a.m to
and i saw commercials a commercial for the shriners hospital you know which is for kids
to have cancer and i was thinking you know what happens when those cute kids what what if you're
like one of them because some of them are teenagers they're like 15 16 what if one of
them turns 18 and they still have the cancer do they just get kicked out yeah they've outstayed
they're welcome because they're not cute anymore is what i think right so it's like get the fuck
out and maybe they tell them like they should join the the marketplace you know to get medical
and also i said um do they get cobra benefits you ever get offered cobra benefits do you know
what i'm talking about dwight when i say it's like i've lost jobs and i'm like hey if you wanted to
if you want to keep your insurance you get cobra benefits it's like yeah you could have it's
basically all my unemployment that i get is going to go towards keeping my medical insurance no
No, thanks.
I'll take my chances to go to the hospital.
All right?
I'll just go to the hospital and not pay him.
Yeah.
Because I remember once I had a biweekly limit of $400-something for my unemployment check.
Every two weeks, I would get $400-something.
And then they would want to take out like $300 or almost $300 so I could keep my insurance benefits.
It's like, yeah, no.
no why are you fucking crazy why and then it's just retarded and then that's when i was diabetic
first starting as diabetic and that's when they would really get you with the pre-existing
conditions bullshit so like i lost a g i would lose a job right i lost a jube i lost a job or
whatever i quit a job and i lose medical insurance from that job and then when i get a new job i get
medical insurance but they'll say oh you're a diabetic so for the first six months that you're
going to be on the new insurance plan we won't cover anything to do with diabetes and it's like
why there's no logical reason why to do that other than to fuck you up and the long fuck up your body
you're going to make me go a half year plus however long i've been without insurance uh without being
able to treat like this very serious medical condition that's what pisses me off about
about the the pisses me off about trump and and some of those cats that want to take away like
pre-existing conditions and jesus man why are you going to do that to people that's real fucked up
man like if you're paying for insurance you know it's like shit just don't cover them at all don't
don't you know what i mean just don't just say hey we don't cover diabetes that's it look we don't
cover diabetes if you have cancer we're not going to cover it ever you you never get cancer covered
don't don't be don't just say but well if you're pre-existing pre-existing whatever i take away
most insurance companies now will pay for gym memberships because it only benefits them in the
in the long run somebody gets their ass out there and starts to be trying be trying tries to become
healthier preventative yeah preventative medicine preventative measures you'd even have to in its
way yeah it is way cheaper than for you to become obese or not take care of yourself and then cost
It costs thousands of dollars, you know.
Let's say they got you a Planet Fitness membership and they paid for it.
That's $120, well, $160 by the time you get their yearly maintenance fee on.
But $160 a year for someone to take their ass and go work out versus, you know, even one medical, one hospital stay.
Yeah, yeah.
Or if you become diabetic, you know how much that is.
Oh, yeah.
And all that money.
Yeah, dude.
All the pills, injections, blood work.
I'm dying my dad.
Glucometers.
yeah they're like oh we'll pay for your insulin but they won't pay for the fucking needles to use
on the tube of the fucking medicine the pen like that's how stupid it is it's like without without
the fucking needles this is useless yeah yeah thanks for the medicine thanks for what about
what i'm gonna do yeah it's like it's it's it's like the pervert like you know in a cartoon or
like in the movies back in the day when someone will be on a dessert island and they had a can
of food but no can opener you know it's like what yeah exactly fuck it fuck it all right uh we need
to do some more pranks let's try to rapid fire some shit so we can get out of here uh i'll also
play some voicemails when i have a second there weren't many of them i'm gonna be honest with you
i i'm really missing this uh fucking youtube money man i used to be able to get some nice
donations from people on a weekly basis when i did this show with the youtube super chat so now
Now that's gone until March, thanks to YouTube, thanks to whatever it is.
All this week, they kept fucking with other accounts out there.
A lot of people getting demonetized, accounts suspended, videos taken down.
They're on a tear, man.
Google slash YouTube slash Alphabet, whatever they want to call themselves.
They're on a tear right now doing that shit.
All right.
So any suggestions?
I'm working on a guy right now who's on Facebook Live, and he's at work.
I'm trying to figure out where the fuck he works.
Okay.
Okay.
i on the other hand did i call did i call this closer on the other hand i'm gonna try to find
a motel to call let's do that here it is hopefully this is a direct room dial if not i don't know
i'll be stuck in the bathroom we've been having a lot of bathroom fun today oh here's a caller
i call her go ahead you're on the air god bless you i
can do that too you ready here we go i got him got him got him at his own game
motherfucker i'm the superior prank caller you can't prank call the prank caller went nowhere
nowhere all right hotel six where'd it go all right motel six again i hope i don't know i i
gotta i gotta write it down which are the motels someone i think someone sent me a list they were
all direct dial i'm just i'm just so disorganized man hello and thank you for calling motel six
for directions to the hotel press one no for reservations press two for the front desk or
Or to reach a guest, please press 3 or hold on the line.
Thank you for calling Motel 6.
This is Christy.
How can I help you?
Hello?
Hello?
Oh, I am stuck in the bathroom.
Hello?
Hello?
Yeah, this bathroom.
So turn the knob.
The bathroom door doesn't fucking open.
Yes, it does.
No, it doesn't.
I'm trying to open it.
It won't open.
Stupid.
Yes, it does.
Yes, it does.
Oh, fuck.
I got that.
Call back.
Yes, you want to answer.
Yes, it does.
Yes, it does.
Hello, and thank you for calling Motel 6.
yeah i'm a fan of the loud black thank you for talking about it i'm stuck in the bathroom and
i need help what room are you in i don't know that's what i thought listen i don't sometimes
i forget i i'm this this is far-fetched this happened this has happened to me before where
i've forgotten the name of the room like hello and thank you for calling motel six for directions to
the hotel press one how can i help you look ma'am i don't have the paperwork that you gave me and i
I don't have the key card in here.
All I had in here with me was my cell phone.
I was playing Angry Birds.
Why did you bring the cell phone with you in the bathroom?
And our bathroom doors don't lock.
To play Angry Birds on the toilet while I was in here?
Okay, well, that makes sense.
But our bathroom doors don't lock.
They don't lock.
It won't open.
I'm asking for help.
This fucking shit won't open.
Do you understand?
Hey.
I'm stuck in this bathroom.
You know what?
I can't help.
You can't do this to me.
Hey, and hello, and listen to me.
Sir, sir, I can't help, I can't, I, sir, sir, help me if I don't know your name, name, I want to know your name, sir.
Hi, sir, this is security.
Sir, sir, you have to tell me your name so I can get to the room.
I don't know who you are.
There's a glass everywhere.
There's a glass everywhere.
I need to know, okay, I need to know your name so I can find out what room you're in.
My name is Kross.
I don't know what room you're in because you don't know.
Kross.
Cross.
Crumb.
Cross.
C-R-U-M-B?
Cross.
Cross.
K-R-O-F-T?
K-R-O-C-R-O-S-S.
Why didn't you believe me?
Oh, cross.
I'm sorry.
Why did you make me do this?
Why didn't you believe me?
God damn it.
Sir.
Damn it.
Damn it.
Sir.
I have...
Sir.
Sir.
Are you there?
I'm going to break this down.
Open the door.
I'm trying...
Listen to me.
I can't find your...
I can't find your name, sir.
I can't find your name.
I got crossed. C-R-O-S-S, right?
It's not under my name.
C-R-O-S-S. Whose name is it under?
The guy that I met at the bar.
Okay, what's his name?
I don't know.
Okay, well, I can't help you if you don't know what room you're in.
And if your name's not coming up, I can't help you.
He stepped out to buy weed, and I got stuck in here, and I can't get out.
Okay, so we don't have a clue what his name is.
Do you know if you're upstairs or downstairs?
Upstairs.
Upstairs, okay. Are you in a one-bed or two-bed? Do you know?
There's glass everywhere now here in this bathroom.
I broke the toilet.
Sir, I'm trying to help you.
I need to know.
You said it's a one-bed or a two-bed.
Sir.
I'm not paying for this.
If you want me to help you, I need you to help me here.
One-bed or two-bed?
You said it was upstairs.
Yeah.
Right?
Okay, and it's a one-bed or two-bed?
I'm pretty sure it was two-beds when I came in.
Okay, two-beds.
And do you know how long ago this was?
Because I can kind of look at that.
I don't know.
I bet you don't.
Okay, so hold on.
I'm still trying to help you.
I just don't know.
I mean, if it's under the...
I know.
If you don't know, you didn't check in when you got here, did you?
Just him, huh?
Well, it's his room.
Yeah, we were going to have sex, and he went out to get heroin and marijuana.
And the next thing I know, I came to use the bathroom.
I was playing Angry Birds.
And then I tried to open the door, and it won't open.
and now the door is it's stuck and i broke all the glass in here in the bathroom there's glass
everywhere and i can't step anywhere and i have any shoes on all i have in here is the bed sheet
i brought in with me oh there's uh towels in here um okay i'm gonna flush these towels out of the
toilet okay so i need to i need to know i need to know the guy's name is in rooms under because i
can't find you i don't know who you are well that's not very good if i can't find you i got
Sir.
Three towels in there.
I'm going to flush all the towels here.
Sir, listen to me.
I don't know who you are because you didn't register in the room,
so I cannot find you if you don't know the guy's name that's under.
How am I supposed to find you if you don't know this?
It was a white guy.
Upstairs, too bad.
Upstairs, too bad.
Do you know his first name at all?
I don't know.
He's a white guy?
He's a white guy.
Okay, well, sir.
I'm trying to help you here, but.
I kept calling him a guy.
Now there's water all over the floor because of the toilet overflowing.
Sir, I can't help you.
I can't, I don't know who you, I've got 106 rooms here.
I've got water all over the floor because the toilet's overflowing.
I can keep flushing it, it won't stop.
Sir, I can't help you unless you tell me.
Sir?
Fucking shit.
To tell you, because it's like this.
I can't find, you don't know where you're at.
I can't help you, I have 106 rooms.
I've had two people walk out because of this.
Fuckin' dick!
Fuckin' dick!
You know, honestly, since he's unregistered, technically, we don't have to do...
I know, but I know, he's already freaked out. The room is...
There's water everywhere. There's water everywhere.
Yeah, he's got toilet...
No, I know. No, I don't know.
I keep flushing the toilet and more water's coming out.
Okay, well, shut it out, man. I don't know how to help you.
Well, I'm not paying for this.
Your name's not in the computer.
Yeah.
You don't know the guy's name that you've been up there with.
He picked me up at the bar.
He just picked me up at the bar to have sex.
But I don't know.
I kept calling him, hey, guy, like that.
And he's like, oh, hi, sailor.
Okay, so I don't know.
I have 106 rooms here.
So you having some problems in here?
Hello?
What's going on in here?
Hey, the neighbor, I think the neighbor next door,
and he can hear me because they put a hole in the wall?
Yeah, I can hear you on the other side of the door.
Hey.
Hey, man, I'm stuck in here.
I see that, but why do you shove the showerhead through the wall?
The showerhead through the wall?
What room are you in?
Hang on.
Lady, I'm talking to the guy in the room next door.
Maybe he can help me, right?
What room is he in so I can get to you?
Say what?
Find out what room he's in so I can get to you.
Hey, asshole motherfucker, what room are you in, you stupid?
Hey, don't talk to me like that.
I'm not going to fucking help you.
Well, fucking tell me how because I'm stuck in this motherfucker.
Can I unlock your door?
Can I open your door?
Well, can you come to the door?
What room are you in, sir, so we can come and find your neighbor and get him some assistance?
He can't hear you.
I can relay a message to him if I'm going to ask him something.
He can hear me.
He sounds a lot closer than the other side of the door.
This is what I think.
I think you guys are auditioning for the Jerky Boy CD.
You know who the Jerky Boys are?
Make them pray and call them stuff.
This is not a legit call.
We're about ready to call PD to have them come down here and find out if there is somebody in the bathroom.
If not, they're going to trace this number. They're going to come down and bust your asses.
So be straight up with us.
What?
Yeah, fuck.
Shut up!
Hey, do you need help or what?
Okay, honey baby.
I tell you what, you listening to me?
Yeah, you know what? I am done with this.
Shut up!
If you're one, see if they can find you.
Shut up!
Bitch.
Or just keep hollering. How's that?
Shut up!
Bitch.
Sizzle chest
Excuse me, sir, we backtraced this call
You're under bathroom arrest
Ryan, terminate the call, please
Mom, I want to keep talking to him
Ma'am, are you there?
Yeah, I'm here
What's going on?
Bitch, yeah, this is all a prank, right?
What?
I'm in the toilet
You don't know you're in the toilet or the closet?
I'm in the bathroom toilet.
All right, good.
I'm hanging up now.
That was a good hang-up.
Oh, man.
That was fun.
Why am I still asking after all those sound bites that we had played?
This is a great call, right?
This is a great call, right?
Yeah.
This is a great call, right?
I played all my Jerky Boys sound effects there.
He sounds a lot closer than the other side of that fucking door.
That was fun.
Glad we stuck around for that call.
I had a pretty good panic freak-out.
She went from being a bitch and hanging up on me twice to be like,
Sir, sir, I want to help you.
I want to help you.
Anyway, I think I'm done.
I want to be done, okay?
That's a show.
That's a wrap.
All right, I did extra time.
Bye, Dwight, and bye, Nashby, those who stayed, my friends, my real friends.
Thank you.
Nashby's an asshole.
Play voicemails.
Play voicemails.
Yes, thank you.
I will do that.
I left you one.
I left you one.
It's good.
Okay, in that case.
Oh, I love this.
I'm going to smell that.
I'm going to play them all except yours.
I love your essence when you burp.
Yeah.
It's kind of sick, right?
I'll give it my essence.
All right, everyone, let's play some voicemails in GTFO.
I want to thank everyone who tuned in today.
Shout out to all the Mixler people, everyone watching on Facebook Live,
everyone listening on the TuneIn Radio app,
Shoutcast, and other audio facilities on mobile devices and web.
Please be sure to visit MadHouseLive.com.
Please be sure to check out and support my show on patreon.com slash madhouse.
Much appreciated.
Those who help out.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
All right, get into the voicemail.
Stalling for time while I reach the voicemail.
Song is too loud.
Try to turn it down.
It fucks around.
Here we go.
Something in one of your recent shows put two white people.
What is that supposed to mean?
like what am i supposed to take from that being a white gentleman and very extended by this i'm an
sjw so i don't you don't need to assume my color and my race gender i think that was jack tv that
sounded like white ass jack tv uh i mean i'm not white and i grew up saying that it's not any
offense it's just classifying quantifying you something in a derogatory way i married a white
woman obviously i'm not racist and i have racist feelings or bigoted feelings or prejudice feelings
about white people i just call white people white people my wife is a white person and i love her
very much when we have children they're going to be half white i look white most people think i'm
white when they see me so i don't have a problem with white people it's okay white people cool
another madhouse episode singers have been gifted with a voice as glorious as whitney houston's
even fewer have treated their talent with the frustrating difference she did toward the end
of her life she sold more records and received more awards than almost any other female pop star
of the 20th century was in most of her years mired in a drug addiction that her built to sing
and left her in a shambolic state.
Yep.
February 11, 2012, Whitney was found face down in a water-filled bathtub
in a broad area at Paraphernalia and nearby.
Yeah.
Rest in peace, but what a waste.
What a waste, you know?
And I meant to invoke Whitney Houston when I said earlier tonight to Dwight
how Dave Chappelle has ruined his voice.
And I meant to do the smoking, and I meant to say Whitney Houston did also,
but i think i got interrupted by someone but when houston did the same thing she had a wonderful
beautiful angelic voice and towards the end i remember there were interviews and she would talk
she fucked up her voice smoking crack uh and that's a damn shame because you know who else
said that from what i understand um it's arguable but apparently um oh shit that was a song you know
i failed to set that up i was supposed to set that up for a song uh i was gonna play ready or not by
by the fugees um but lauren hill supposedly also uh fucked up her her voice uh maybe like a good
five six years ago i remember hearing that uh forget what what show i was listening to and
this is she made an appearance and lauren hill and that was really bad uh here see okay here's
a because i remember seeing when he said on an oprah winfrey interview and her voice is just
gone in the days when I was a teenager singing for God and you can't stop
somebody you can't somebody on your probation okay it's not here in 2009
there was a period of time where her voices is done all right maybe it was a
crack as well it may be a bad shot but this is real I mean the the bones that's
real yeah my bones yeah i'm i'm five seven and thin i can understand what you mean but that's
not just thin no what is it diane tell me do you know it's scary thin believe what you what you
feel i can't believe that do you really know do you really know no you know thank you yeah voice
all fucked up uh diane saw you confronting her with a picture where she looked like a fucking
skeleton she looks smaller god damn and looking even on this video she looks smaller than michael
jackson did michael jackson was a small mom anyway so rest in peace whitney houston i don't have a
whitney houston song ready sorry obituary guy but it doesn't matter because the obituary guy
checked in on facebook and said he was going to be drunk as a skunk tonight and was probably going
to miss the show because he's going to be passed out so he doesn't know and uh you're probably
listening now later on with a hangover and i hope you feel good get some pedialyte motherfucker
because that'll help that shit out gotta love simpsons stuff that's a homer thing there
Matt Hillock will get a kick out of that
I don't know if he does anymore
but he used to quote that line a lot
the robocaller that
that was Professor Franks at home
or stole or found or something
and was using to call Flanders
alright, alright, alright
we'll play that clip
the one where Flanders is getting called
over and over again
by the robocaller
happy dude
let's see if I can find it
Flanders
Happy.
Was it a happy dude?
Here it is.
Homer's auto-dialer.
Hadley diddly.
How's that darn recording again?
Of course it was.
It's been calling all night.
Just unplug the phone.
Hadley diddly.
I told you to unplug the phone.
But it could be my mother.
Howdy.
Shoot.
That is it, Ned.
If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn.
Will you two shut up and try to sleep?
Fucking Homer Simpson.
uh it's his fault that it's happening ignorant ignorant old man looks like we put the kibosh
on another two-bit telephone swindle boys frankly i would have expected better from
jimmy the scumbag hey what's this thing huh ah that's an auto dialer this bird was using it to
pull a telemarketing scam but instead he's gonna rotten the slammer for the next 20 years
bread and water icy showers guards whopping your ass around the clock and the only way out
is suicide hello marketing eh so that's a homer guy all right now we know i'm trying to find the
last scene is when uh they're oh look mr burns got called by it ahoy hoy one dollar fraternal
happiness i'd be happier with the dog yeah good point i was just looking to see if i could find
the scene where it escapes it goes back to frank but who cares guys just uh you know go to fx.com
the FX channel and they have
every single Simpsons episode there
available commercial free
if if you are
a subscriber to FX or get it
through your cable provider if not I feel
sorry for you cord cutter
suck a dick
and I
that may have been the last voicemail
there's one here
let's see what this is there's two
greetings friend no no no I already played it
there's one left then this is probably
Probably Dwight's.
Probably Dwight's.
Probably Dwight's.
Yeah.
Hey, Cross, it's Dwight.
Hey.
We're in the middle of a show right now, and I thought I'd give you a call and listen, dude.
I don't know why you sat me in the studio next to Catastrophe.
She just ripped ass, and it smells like fucking hot garbage and baby food.
This is fucking disgusting.
I want a new seating chart by the time the next show rolls around.
Love the show.
Okay, bye.
All right, well, I guess that's it.
I think I've said my thank yous.
uh so listen uh i'll probably i probably will do a christmas show uh again i usually like to do
them with mr brad carter i don't know if he's available i haven't checked with him yet that is
my fault fault of mine what i will do is reach out to him uh tomorrow over the weekend etc and
solidify look out on facebook and twitter uh for word on that as to what's going to go down but i
I will probably do it around 10 p.m. Eastern.
We'll have fun.
We'll call NORAD.
Isn't that fun when I call NORAD, guys?
You guys love it.
We can't miss our NORAD calls, you know?
Let's start a war, right?
Let's start a nuclear war.
Start a nuclear war.
Yeah, yeah, all right.
I'll talk to you guys then.
And be sure to tune in to Dwight McCranky Hand.
He will be on tomorrow with the Dwight the Janitor show
at 10 p.m. Eastern Standard Time as well.
I'm done talking.
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Brad says something in the Facebook chat room.
Hang on.
What did he say?
I said in the Facebook chat room that I would probably be around Christmas Eve.
Yay!
All right.
Yay.
Now, I just need to know if Brad will accept to do a show with me.
Brad, do you accept to do a show with me?
I guess we'll all have to tune in on Christmas Eve to find out.
Bye for now.
All right.

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