Best of 2008

And now for my next number, I'd like to return to the classic.

This is a Madhouse Radio Classic.

Hey, what's up, everybody? It's Carlito.

Excuse me.

Yeah, no show this week.

This is going to be the show for October the 2nd.

That's a Thursday's usual Madhouse Radio.

Yeah, I got some things going on here.

It's Athena's birthday.

I got some other things going on.

So no live show tonight if you're listening to this live.

but regardless we do have a best of show for you i'm going to be playing that tonight we've got a

lot of new stuff that hasn't been heard since it was first aired back in 2005 and early 2006

so if you've only been used to listening to the show for about a year or so this is all new to you

this is going to be a special treat for all our podcast listeners this is stuff that hasn't been

available online in a very long time so without further ado let's go ahead and move on and go

go to our first segment uh this uh features former co-host andy uh from the madhouse radio show he

started with us originally when we first started along with milkman and he didn't move away and

please enjoy this call tone while we can watch one of the cats over here trying to get inside the

room fighting with the door to get in haha you can't get in anyway let's give milkman a call

here see what he's up to if you don't if you give me a moment here before we start our best of show

On the air. What's up, brother?

On the air.

Well, according to the intro for The Best Of, and I thought I'd give you a call since we're not doing a live show tonight.

Oh, okay.

I'll give you a call. We're making a little intro. Man, how you doing?

What's happening, B?

We are communicating 24 hours into the future, Milkman.

Oh, man. I'm a thing. I mean, like, I'll have, like, a movie here, Back to the Future, with the mad ass.

Yeah, and you look in your wallet, and then you're going to see the picture of your mom and your sister,

and then the heads are going to be disappearing, man.

Wow, man.

And then you've got to kiss your mom in order to, like, save the world or something like that.

Oh, geez, does that mean, like, I'll be turning into an ape?

Because I was watching Planet of the Apes, and I heard, it's a madhouse, it's a madhouse.

You know what, I'm going to play that.

I'm going to play one of those bits, actually.

I'll add that to the list of things to add, I will.

Yeah, so I hope you're having a good week, I'm sure, right?

Yes, sir, yes, sir, sure am

It's getting cold, but yeah, man, I've been busy

Well, just to let you know, we've got some funny stuff on tonight's episode

This is for the podcast listeners and all that

Oh, yeah

We've got KDK crying live on the air

We told you about that

We've got, what else do we got?

We've got prank calls to the UK

We've got, oh, a ton of stuff, Milkman

It's going to be great, I hope you get to hear it

Dude, I'll definitely, I won't miss that, man

You know that, man

Man, I'm always in there for the Madhouse.

We'll say hi to everybody real quick and let them know that we'll catch them next week live again.

Hi, everybody.

This is, that's right, your friend in the Madhouse, the Milkman.

And don't forget, hold your hands high, man, for our Generalissimo of the Madhouse,

Militia Carlito.

Thank you, my brother.

All right.

Thank you so much for providing for all of us again, once again.

That way, hopefully, nobody will kill anybody.

Exactly.

milkman don't go anywhere i'm going to talk to you here in the past and everybody else enjoy the

show have a good night we'll catch you next weekend live live live live goodbye

everybody how you doing good evening it's uh the madhouse welcome back to a new episode of

the madhouse that is we were missing last thursday uh you had you had something with

With a parole hearing or something, right?

Yes.

Not a parole hearing.

You had something.

Actually, it was psychiatric.

Oh, psychiatric.

Were you Baker-acted?

No, I was attempting to Baker-act someone.

Oh, you were attempted?

Yes.

Oh, your roommate.

That's where it was.

I'm trying to get people locked up.

Is Baker, is that a Florida thing or is that like a nationwide thing?

I don't know, but I know it's a Florida thing for sure.

I make that threat all the time.

I tell them when I order my pizza, I say,

You better get here in 30 minutes

Or I'm gonna baker act you

You son of a bitch

And you're like what

I'm like I'm gonna get you put in a fucking mental facility

Cause if you can't get my pizza here in 30 minutes or less

You're insane and you're a fucking bastard

Yeah and I know people

Tell me you're a judge

I'm a judge I can get it done

I'm a notary and a judge

Anyway so yeah hey everybody

It's February

No it's March the 9th

March the 9th when's St. Patrick's Day the 18th or something

I don't know I'm not Irish

and I don't support those people.

What's the March of Ides?

Is that the celebration of when Caesar was killed?

I don't know.

Was it a kill in the March of Ides or something?

No, that's just what Shakespeare wrote about.

That's the Ides of March, not the March of Ides.

The March of Ides.

The Ides of March is like, I think it's like the latter days.

That's what I mean.

I didn't even know what you were talking about.

The March of Ides.

The March of Ides, that's the Puerto Rican translation.

Anyway, so you listen to The Madhouse, and our homepage is madhouselive.com.

Here with me is Andy.

How are you doing, Andy?

I'm great.

Good evening.

Thanks.

Andy, you got a job, huh?

Yeah, but not for sure yet, though.

So are you moving up from washing toilets now?

Yeah, it'll be slightly better than that.

I'm sorry.

You don't do that.

You're a master chef.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

Anyway.

I'm a masterful chef.

KDK is a, what's it called, a sous chef?

Is he?

What's a sous chef?

isn't he a sous chef? I think he is a sous chef

I think that means he

he's a sub chef?

no like he sautés things

I don't know I'm a cook not a chef

well on Iron Chef they have

the sous chef and it's a chef that helps out

the main chef something like that

I guess the sous is maybe French

for assistant? S-O-U-S

sous I don't know I thought

I meant it hang on watch this I type it in the

chat room and I

here we go watch here's the definition

from Wikipedia a sous chef

above line cooks and below an executive chef.

Oh, okay, yeah, so it's like a starter chef.

Yeah, they generally cook more than executives.

Yeah, because executives just don't do shit.

But far less than line cooks.

Yeah, because line cooks do all the work.

I guess a sous chef would be like the guy who checks everything.

Oh, really?

Make sure everything is going right, and then the main chef.

I don't know.

But they're all terrible people.

I feel sorry for people who go to those schools.

They're such ripoffs.

You think so?

A lot of people, yeah, well, I've known people who smoke crack on a daily basis

who graduated from those, you know.

Culinary schools and stuff like that.

Yeah, because if you go every day and you shave, then they'll pass you.

Really?

As long as you show up.

Shaved and every day.

Yeah, you can't have any facial hair.

Okay.

Except for, you know, you can keep your eyebrows, I think.

All right, really.

I knew, I mean, I knew one kid who couldn't spell, and he graduated.

Really?

Yeah, and he works for the Jaguars.

Yeah, that's where he went for his.

Yeah, he's not working for them now, but that's where he went for his apprenticeship.

With the Jacksonville Jaguars?

Yeah, working for their team.

Yeah, they got a chef.

All the protein's got chefs.

They have chefs?

Really?

So what, they cook like a healthy share of protein?

Yeah, they probably make a billion chickens every day.

I love playing for the Jaguars.

They got good chicken.

Fried chicken?

Yeah.

I don't think fried, no.

They probably just bake it.

Fried chicken and watermelon.

They probably got like a rotisserie.

Well, I don't think...

They probably give you a lot of steaks and shit

And potatoes

I bet you there's a pasta night

Because you gotta have like carbs and stuff

Pasta night

It's probably real easy

Because those guys don't want fancy shit

But this kid couldn't spell

He would just like

He would just stab himself in the arm

Why did the guy have a pocket knife

And just start stabbing himself

Why was he frustrated

No he just had something wrong with him

He was just kind of retarded

and he would just cut himself up

but he graduated

and he got a job with the Jaguars

that's nice

I'd love to have a job with the Jaguars

if you go and you bother

the schools cost like 20 grand for a year

and then when you graduate

you make like 12 dollars an hour

until you work your way up

and it takes probably like 5 years or so

if you do that

then you have to cook the rest of your life

and that's horrible

and everybody if you're over like the age of 30 and you're not a chef and you're cooking you're

probably like you know you're a coke head or an alcoholic or something because it's a really sad

life yeah well i mean you're like you don't even i don't know you're not out with the people so

they kind of relegate you to like you're so whatever that you can't even interact you know

what i mean that's kind of like that kind of thing no no they just you know it's it you just party

Party every day.

Those people just party all the time.

Crazy.

Explain Zolar.

Carlito, popular host of PC Radio, holds a strong permanent grudge against method actor Al Pacino for overshadowing his name.

I don't have a grudge with him.

I like Al Pacino.

He's actually my favorite actor.

He's tied for favorite actor.

I don't think he's really that good of an actor.

My two favorite actors are Al Pacino, and it's tied between him and Mr. Denzel Washington.

Mr. Denzel Washington.

Denzel Washington's not that good of an actor either.

He is a good actor.

Yeah, he is.

Al Pacino is the same guy every time.

Who's your favorite actor?

Who do you think is the most talented actor?

I don't know.

You're putting that spot.

I'll come back to that.

Maybe Giamatti.

I think Paul Giamatti is excellent.

Paul Giamatti?

Yeah.

The guy who was Pig Bomb in the Stern movie.

Did you see him in the Oscars, man?

He looked all nasty.

Yeah, well, good actors are the really ugly guys.

Those are the best actors.

Yeah, so is Michael Moore.

No, he's the big fat dude.

He doesn't shave.

Yeah, he's disgusting.

He's nasty.

He just comes out to the Oscars.

You know his seat stinks.

I like that he's on TV and people see him,

so they can get used to what I'm going to look like in five years.

But honestly, Michael Moore comes across as a person of the caliber

who does not take a shower daily or might smell.

I hear Star Jones smells.

I would imagine they're smelly people.

Well, I hear Star Jones is a very smelly woman.

On the Stern Show once they said that there's a member of The View

who is like all the other women on The View think she stinks.

And you know who it had to be

Out of all the women on The View

It's gotta be Star Jones

You know what I mean

But then you know

It could be Barbara Walters

You think Barbara Walters stinks

She doesn't stink

Old woman like that

Her cooter might smell

Nah I like that

Especially if she's still getting it

She smells like oil of Olay

She's got old jizz in there

Oil of Olay

You know

You like that smell

Jizz in her cooter

Yeah anyway

I like that smell

Oil of Olay

Reminds me of my grandmother

And she was a wonderful woman

Um

You don't remember that time

We went to some

Some shop

Some porno

Like that huge porno

Mega house

With that

That porn freak Arium

that Cuban kid

they look white

you know what I mean

remember there was

this old lady

in her 70s

no

and she had that smell

of old lady on her

why are you looking

at old lady

no she was in the

porno shop

and then we got

like she walked by us

and you could smell

the old lady smell

like she was wearing

like old lady perfume

or something

and Arium told me

never in my life

would I think I would

smell that smell

in a store like this

in a porno store

it was really disturbing

because it makes you

think of like

I don't know

where I'm going with this

But anyway, what was I saying?

We're in the Madhouse.

Yeah, this is the Madhouse.

Every Thursday night on Prank Call Underground Radio over at MadhouseLive.com.

And that's our homepage for the show.

MadhouseLive.com.

Once again, that's MadhouseLive.com.

KDKPrankCalls.com is the homepage for PCU Prank Call Underground Radio.

I believe we're also being broadcast tonight on AimBum.

Um, so right now we have, uh, yeah, we have listeners on PCU, Aimbum, and then MyPersonalStream.

So we're doing pretty good.

I had to add these three numbers.

So how many listeners?

We got 50, 68 listeners right now.

We have 45 on PCU, and we have 18 on Aimbum, and we have 5 on, um, MyPersonalServer.

What is this called, dude?

Hit City?

Yeah, I think this guy's, man, I forgot the name of his fucking website now.

Not his website, but the name of his, um, his shit.

Did I tell you my friend and I run a prank show?

No, I didn't know that.

Anyway, um.

Um, I'm losing here.

Yeah, normally Milkman's here with us, but he is not available.

He was here, and then he disappeared after a second.

That's really funny.

Probably to do something important.

Yeah.

He just, all of a sudden, he just, let's see.

He says, call me.

Oh, they're about to go on.

I better, uh, moose.

Oh, he's there, dude.

I had the screen too low.

Oh, that's fucked up.

I'm sorry.

That's like locking your cat.

You should let Milkman gong you.

Do you know that I accidentally locked the cat in the room for two days?

The cats can entertain themselves.

I forgot about Milkman there.

We're just talking some bullshit.

We're trying to get Milkman on, who is the normal co-host.

Did you say he's a co-host?

Did you say he's the program director?

Yeah.

He's the program director, but he can't even get on the air most of the time.

We never talk to him, actually.

Hey, Milkman.

Hey, man.

What's up, buddy?

Hey, what's up?

MedHouse.

...shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a man who does not exist.

...innovation, that's one.

...conference event, party, wedding, hotel operation, press...

Front desk, front desk.

What do I hear that wasn't paying attention?

One.

According to Swansea Marriott, bedroom reservations, press 1.

9 or less bedrooms, press 1.

Bedrooms or more, press 2.

You are being transferred to group reservations.

We're going to talk to the manager.

They've got to get weather there.

Swansea Marriott, someone direct your call.

What's your name, sir?

Alan.

Some kind of smartass, Alan?

Beg your pardon?

Are you some kind of smartass, sir?

What's your regarding?

I need to speak to the head manager.

Why would he hang up on me?

Hello?

Yeah, what was that all about, huh?

Huh? Are you monitoring the phone call, sir?

Are we monitoring it?

Yes.

Sorry, what's your call regarding?

Well, I had a problem with the room that I had down there,

and I need to talk to the head nigger in charge.

Head nigger?

Yes.

Can you put us in contact with the head nigger in charge?

Okay, bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

He said, um, he said the N-word like a brother would.

Didn't you hear that? He said the head nigger.

Is it?

Yeah, he did. He said head nigger in charge.

That was pretty good. I got to isolate that.

That was pretty cool.

Yeah, it's a funny thing.

Let's put a little drop

Put a little ditty right there

H-N-I-C, man

Oh, look at the J-Lit number

Yeah, I saved that

What the fuck is that?

You got a rooster here?

I got a

There's a number for the

There's a number for the plumber

Where's this at?

In Brixham?

The plumber in Brixham, Devon

Alright

Carlito

A young loner on a crusade

To champion the cause of the innocent

The helpless

The powerless

In the world of criminals

Who operate above the law

Is this the plumber?

Yes.

Sir, we've got a really bad smelly mess over here.

We're wondering if you could come help us clean it out, please.

Smell?

Well, there's an overflowing of the toilet, and it's a toilet problem.

So we're wondering if you could come.

We'll pay you as many euros or whatever it is you guys use.

Whereabouts are you?

I'm here in Devon.

Devon?

1-2-3 Sesame Street?

That didn't tell me.

What part of Devon are you in?

I don't know.

Southside.

I think it's all.

Alright, well let me explain to you what's happening. The toilet, this gentleman came, he threw up, and all over it is really, really friggin' dirty, and it smells horribly, so we're calling the plumber to come down and clean it for us real quick, if you don't mind.

We don't do that.

Don't you do toilet work?

Yeah, we do, but...

Well, it stopped up, it doesn't want to flush, and it makes this noise, and the water came out and everything, the water came out and everything, come on.

Look, do whatever you have to do as long as you clean it, okay? Cheerio?

Enter your destination number now.

What did he say at the end? Was that Cheerio?

He said Cheerio.

Yeah.

Cheerio, sorry.

Because that's playing with the ear.

He likes cereal.

Yeah, I guess so.

I have no idea what to tell him for an address.

I don't know how I do it.

I told him 1, 2, 3, Sesame Street.

I don't know.

Hey, Torquay.

Yeah, I was trying to send you a message, but you've already...

You told me to suggest anything.

I've got a logger stuck in a hole in the toilet.

It's not even...

Well, we'll have to...

If I have the number for...

This is the alcoholics and this is...

My name is Billy Mira.

Fine, thanks. I'm Jackie.

Hi, I'm an alcoholic.

Right, okay then.

Is this the first time you've phoned up the phone line for help?

It's the first time I've found out I'm an alcoholic, I suppose.

I got your people's test over here that I just took.

Oh, right, I see, the little big booklet thing.

Yeah, I got a 72%. What does that mean?

Well, you must know inside if you think that you're an alcoholic.

I had a dream.

I drank so much tonight in my hotel room that I actually passed out on the floor.

I hit my head so hard, and then Jesus came down and told me that I was an alcoholic

and gave me this number to call, apparently.

I found your little card, your little booklet here.

Yeah.

At the same time.

That's brilliant, yeah.

That's brilliant, isn't it then?

It is.

I had that experience.

I got on my knees, and I prayed and asked Jesus to help me,

and then my cravings were took from me.

It just worked like that for me.

So you used to be an alcoholic yourself?

I'm an alcoholic, yeah, probably the day at a time, yeah.

So what did you replace alcohol with?

Life.

Life?

I just go to meetings and do the program, the 12-step program.

Is it okay for me to continue to, I don't know,

like at least hyperventilate myself on a regular basis to get a high?

I don't know about that, no.

I don't know.

Can I drink before 12 in the afternoon?

Is that a problem?

Can you drink before?

Yes, 12.

Well, if you're an alcoholic, then you've got a problem.

For me, personally, I can't drink alcohol at all.

Well, look, the only alcohol I have left is this bottle of mouthwash right now.

Right.

And I heard if I drink enough of it, I can actually get drunk.

I've heard that, but...

I have it in my hand right now, and I'm about to drink it.

Well, you'll have to make that your choice, won't you?

Oh, well, I think I will.

I mean, you're not really helping me out.

Can you give me a reason why I should not drink this bottle of mouthwash right now?

I don't know how much you're drinking, you see.

I wouldn't drink that.

You phoned up for help.

All right.

So what do I do then?

You're supposed to help me.

I'm telling you, I've got the bottle up to my lips right now.

You've got the bottle up to your lips?

Yeah.

And what I'm saying is, do you really want that mouthwash?

Hang on, hang on.

Well, then that's up to you.

It's so good.

Oh, yeah.

Do you want help?

Yes.

Help me, please.

Well, if you give me your name, I can get someone who can call you.

And your name's Billy, isn't it?

My name is Al.

Al?

Alcoholic.

Right.

Okay, then.

If you really want...

Enter your destination.

Yes, I need your help.

You can drink half, baby.

You are listening to a replay of Madhouse Radio.

Well, I think you should fucking hang up,

where I'm going to find out who you are and punch your fucking face in.

How's that?

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Music and video.

Hey, this is the music and video department because I've got to run the apartment.

Sorry?

Is there anybody in the television clothing?

What is it you're... Sorry, if you hang on a thing.

Hurry up.

How can I help you?

Well, I asked you if there's anybody in the television clothing department.

And I asked you to hang on a thing and I was telling them the music thing.

And then you remembered and then you asked me again, I mean, what is this?

What kind of way of business is this?

Enter your destination number now.

Did she say welcome to Belsick Oven?

Welcome Belsick Oven.

You put him in the thing.

Hello, amazing video.

Madam, I would like to apologize for my previous transgressions.

I'm not the person you spoke to before.

Okay, well I was rude to her and I would like to apologize to her, but can you help me first?

I'll try.

Okay, well the issue is I'm looking for television clothing. I was looking for the person in that department.

And she kept asking, she's like, what, what?

You know, she kept asking the question again and again.

Well, I'm not too sure what you're asking for either, a TV quote.

Clothing, clothing, ma'am.

Clothing.

For the TV.

Who does clothing?

For the television, you twit.

I'm sorry.

Excuse me?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, you have to phone back.

No, no, no, come on, I'm sorry.

Come on, baby, I'm sorry.

Damn.

Please enter your destination number.

You'll have to go to, I don't know what department this was, shit.

The decision on the royalty rates, internet radio webcasters must pay the music industry to license the music we play.

The problem is, the new rates amount to over 100% of even the most successful webcasters' online radio revenues.

Hello, Judge Colvin.

Hey, is this the lady again about the TVs?

And TVs?

Yeah.

Yeah, down in the home later.

What's her name?

No, y'all have had that conversation before.

What the hell, ma'am?

What is your location inside the store, please?

Enter your destination number.

These people just, I don't like these people. They're sick.

Assholes.

They think their shit doesn't stink.

This means unless the rates are cheap...

Good morning, I'm the governor. David Dickens. How can I help you?

At once, finally, I speak to a man. How are you, sir?

Hi, how are you doing?

I just, I don't, I can't stand the fact that you, this country,

you people have women working in stores like this calling the shots, you know?

I've been hung up on twice by these women.

Who is this calling anyway?

A customer?

Yeah, I'm a customer.

I've been calling in. I purchased something, and I need to come pick it up, and it's television clothing, and I've been asking for that department for a while.

And every time I ask for television clothing, these horses-ass women here, you know, they don't understand what I'm talking about. They hang up on me.

Well, I'll need to find out who's answered the phone, then.

We'll find out. I need names and badge numbers, please.

Names and badge numbers?

Please, if you can.

Well, I'll need to find out who you spoke to. How can I help you, anyway?

Well, I'm looking for television clothing.

I made a purchase.

I bought two large television clothings.

Television?

Clothing.

Clothing?

Yeah.

Television clothing?

Yes, sir.

Television clothing.

Yeah.

I don't know what you bastards call it here,

but we call it television clothing back in the states.

What, television clothing?

Is that just ordinary clothing?

Yeah, whatever.

It's for the television, man.

The TV.

The telly?

What do you guys call it here?

The telly machine?

You know the telly machine?

We call it TV.

The television machine.

The tube.

Television machine?

Do you have a television machine?

Yeah, you got a television machine there?

No, it's a TV, but not a television machine.

That's what I'm saying.

We call it a television machine, man.

You know, what are you talking on right now?

What are you talking to me on?

On a telephone.

No, no, no.

The telephone machine.

Uh-huh.

Exactly.

An answering machine.

Telephone machine, man.

An answering machine.

What's in your hand right now?

What are you holding?

A telephone.

Telephone machine.

Well, we call it an answering machine.

No, no. It's just a machine.

Yes. Well, can you tell what you're looking for, then? What are you looking for?

How do you get to work in the morning?

Same problem as you, by car.

Yeah? Well, it's the car machine, you know?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, you take the car machine.

Uh-huh. We call it a car.

The car machine. No, no, but it's a car machine.

We call it a car.

Yeah. Well, I don't care what you call it, man, but I'm looking for television clothing.

You see, we have differences, but together, we make a pretty good team, you know?

Television clothing?

Television clothing, yeah.

Look it up in the manual.

Television clothing?

You got an English to American...

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Do you have an English to American dictionary there?

No.

No?

You sure you don't?

It's a pretty big store.

No.

Why don't you look it up on your computer machine?

Who is this?

You got any book machines there?

Who is this?

My name is Jack Valente and I just had a stroke.

Right.

And...

Don't forget the stroke part.

Remind me I have to talk about the new CD.

Thank you.

Copy 12, thank you.

Deal.

I got

it down properly

6-4-8-4

5-7, what's your status, over?

Oh, how are you?

Hello, ma'am

Hello, is this the taxi company?

Which one?

Nevan?

Yes

Okay, good

I was wondering if I could come down

But I don't want any problems

I have a dog

You know, I heard very bad things

You people do not take dogs in the car

We do take dogs in our car

Who's calling?

I'm calling from America

Okay, so why are you calling us?

Because I want to let you know that in America we have these rules where you must accept a dog if it's a guy's dog.

Well, we do accept dogs, okay?

Well, look, lady, this...

It was a situation that got out of hand, and things have been said that shouldn't have been said by the press and all the rest of it, and we have nothing else to say.

Well, let me tell you something. This is America, and I'm going to be suing you because of what you did.

Oh.

You pissed off, woman.

I didn't say piss off, but don't talk to me like that.

I heard what you said. You know, in America, you wouldn't be allowed to vote.

And who cares what happens in America? We live in England.

Well, we saved your ass in World War II. What do you have to say?

Well, you never did, and who helped you out just now?

No, you're not.

You are. He is crazy, man.

We don't need you anyway, bitch.

Don't call me a bitch, you cheeky fucker.

Cheeky fucker? What the fuck is that, bitch?

Hello? Excuse me, what's your name?

Hey, who's that woman you got over there talking to?

What's your name? Who is this? You're a prankster, yeah?

Who's that woman you got talking on the phone to me, boy?

Yeah, who is this?

This is Joe America.

Joe America.

That's right.

Yeah, right. Listen, yeah, like we could sue you. Do you want us to trace your coins to you, yeah?

Yeah, I got, yeah, do it, boy. You can't, I'm American. You can't sue me.

Are you as gay as your family?

Shut up, milkman.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll have a goodbye.

Hey, we saved your asses in World War II.

Hey Ben, this is Foot Locker, correct?

Yes

Alright Ben, my name is John Bozell

And I came in the other day and I got a pair of your sneakers there

Nike sneakers, something about the 20, you know what I'm talking about?

The 20?

Something like that, man

I got them as a gift for my son

And we went down to the beach over here

And we had just finished seeing a scary movie on TV

and we went down to the beach and these kids were letting off fireworks and I

got so scared from watching the fireworks that actually did I did a poo

in my in my shorts you know and they have gotten all over the sneakers and I

was and these gentlemen were down there drinking and they started laughing at me

these gentlemen did and we went ahead and started walking back to the car and

I slipped on the sneakers with the poo on the some on the asphalt right there

and i burnt my hands on the black asphalt and i want to go ahead and sue you for selling them to

me and i was wondering if you gave me the corporate number for this shoe manufacturer

nike so i can go ahead and sue them i'm sorry sir you can't do that well sir you sold them to me

fair and square and i i fell down here and i got you know first degree burns on my hands and these

gentlemen laughed at me and i'm suing my son as well for buying these damn sneakers for me now he

He said Ferris Square, he's not going to go return them, but by God, I'm going to sue him, and I'm suing you,

and I really need you to get me your corporate office, like, address or something so I can send this out.

You can't sue me.

Well, sure I can.

America is a free country.

I don't know if you knew, Honolulu is the last state to join in.

Yeah.

Where you been, buddy?

Nobody can sue us for that.

Whatever that happened, that had nothing to do with us.

Well, sir, by law, by God and by law, you need to give me the address, no matter what, if I ask.

I can give you the address.

I can give you the phone number.

Oh, well, you sold them to my son.

He said that you sold them to him, and we got your name on the receipt here.

My name is not on the receipt.

He wrote it down after he did the transaction.

He wrote it down right there after he signed the Visa card.

What's my name?

Sir?

Huh?

You told me your name in the beginning of the damn thing.

I'm sorry?

Sir, he's got your name here, Ferran Squirt, and I really need...

What's my name?

Can I go ahead and get your last name and your Social Security number, please?

You didn't get my Social Security number.

Well, do you have a Visa debit card or maybe I can put the deposit down?

No.

On the lawsuit?

No.

Please, man, I just need to make a deposit on this or I'm going to lose my apartment.

I'll give you the corporate number.

You can call them.

How about $29 to help me out with this deposit on my apartment?

I lost my job and I'm just trying to sue someone and I thought maybe I'd try to get...

Okay, unfortunately, that's your fault.

Was there someone else that maybe I could sue for something?

Hold on.

Why don't you hold on, please?

Okay.

Maybe he's getting a call.

I'm chipping my pants, can I see you?

We're no longer accepting phone orders.

Hello, yo, what's up?

We're no longer accepting phone orders.

Oh, that's alright, can I come in and pick it up?

You sure can if you make it before nine.

Oh, shit, alright.

Do you guys have chitlins?

Yeah, we do.

Oh, you do?

Alright, and how do you make those?

What are they made out of?

What is chitlins made out of?

Yeah.

They're just pig intestines.

Pig intestines?

Oh, no, I don't know, I think that'll make me throw up.

You know what?

I thought that was, um...

Yo, let me tell you, you sound like some...

All right, let me ask you this.

Can I get that sautéed with a little butter?

Hold on just a moment.

Thank you for calling, Bertha.

Yeah, hey, how you doing?

Who am I talking to?

Trina.

We're no longer taking phone orders.

Yeah, how you doing?

That's all right.

My name is Ramon.

Okay.

And I write for the local Herald.

Uh-huh.

And we're doing a review of all the restaurants in the area that make children's.

Okay.

And I just want to know, you know, why do you think you guys have the best, um, why do you think you have the best pig intestines in the neighborhood?

Because everybody comes back for them.

Is that right? Now, where do you get your pig intestines from? Do you, do you like, do you like just...

Um, hold on, okay?

Okay.

What's this?

Who's this?

It's Ramon. What are you doing, man?

Ramon?

Yeah, I write for the local Herald in the area, and, um, we're doing a review on, uh, soul food restaurants.

Yeah.

So I was just trying to find out about, you know, what, what's your specialty?

Our specialty?

Yes.

Oh, well, you know, we do it all, man.

Fried chicken, you know, pork chops, short ribs, oxtails, we do it all.

Now, what about, I heard you guys have very good chitlins there.

Oh, yeah, we got some good chitlins.

All right, so let me ask you, do people that come out of the way to eat that food or what?

Do they come out of the way?

What do you mean?

You know what I'm saying?

Like, you know, I mean, like, you guys have, like, I mean, well, I'm going to come down there and sample the food.

You know what I'm saying?

I got to write my review.

Okay.

Well, you know, when you come in, you know, this will save you a lot of time.

You know, the L.A. Times did a big review on us, you know.

And what'd they say?

Well, they talked about everything we do.

Charles Perry, he's a famous food critic for the L.A. Times.

Oh, yeah.

Charles is my boy.

Charles.

Charlie.

Oh, yeah, man.

I hung out with that dude.

Shit.

Well, he did it for us, you know, and his column in the L.A. Times.

He got a small little penis, but he's all right.

He's got a cock the size of a thimble.

Well, I wouldn't know about that.

I'm telling you, man.

I was hanging out with him.

We all went down to this gangbang, man.

He couldn't even pull it out.

Anyway, all right, so I'm going to come down here.

I'm going to sample your food.

You're not going to know who I am, though.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, that's the way they do it.

Yeah.

I didn't know who he was.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

I didn't know who he was either until he pulled it out.

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

All right, so listen, if you were written up in the L.A. Times, you got some really good soul food there.

Well, that was his opinion.

We've been around for 40 years, so, you know, that tells you something right there.

And this is like a family business.

Yeah, family.

It's like incest.

Cool, man.

I like that.

All right, man, so I'll talk to you later.

All right, I'll see you in your small penis, all right?

All right.

I'll see you in your big cock.

Hey, my brother.

What the fuck was that all about?

That's insane.

I don't know where the fuck that came from.

What the fuck just happened?

I don't know.

Was that even funny?

Yeah, it was funny.

It was weird.

Hang on.

I mean, it's okay.

I don't know, you know.

No, that was funny, though.

We were both laughing.

You were laughing, right?

I do laugh.

It was good, man.

Well, listen, I want to tell you guys, you know,

Milky, Carlito, and whoever the fuck the other guy is,

you guys are all right.

You're all right, too, man.

You take care.

I like your show.

I like the way you guys run it.

I like, you know, just everything, man.

Why am I an echo chamber? Fucking KDK, you guys are having some audio shit tonight.

I don't know. Well, everybody's got to complain.

I'm not complaining. KDK says Lego is an echo chamber.

Well, you know what, KDK, make pretend I'm Robert Plant, all right?

Yeah, well, KDK's perfect.

You know, like Led Zeppelin and shit.

KDK's perfect.

Dude, KDK, man, you know, you can't fucking, you know, you don't get better than KDK.

Yeah, I mean, yeah. Yeah, I'll tell you what.

On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being KDK, then I guess I'm a 3. There we go.

Was that what everybody wants?

There it is.

In what?

Just...

A scale of one to ten.

Come on, man.

Let me tell you right now, okay?

That house is fucking rocks.

I should get a movie, damn it.

Where's my movie coming, Lego?

Where's my movie deal?

Well, tomorrow night at 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, Dr. Lego's Mental Discrepancies.

No slamming show.

You want to miss tomorrow night's show, it's going to be fucking...

So, how long have you been married to Miss Kim?

And is that your first marriage?

Do you have any kids?

Oh, yeah.

I'm with Kim 15 fucking years, dude.

15 years.

I'm not married to her that long, but I'm with her.

But, you know, Kim knows the deal.

Kim knows if I find a fucking hot chick that I want to bang, I'm just going to bang her, and that's it.

And, you know, she wants to fucking leave.

Well, God, that's what you do.

Yeah, hell yeah, man.

You tell her how it is, man.

You know, because, you know, seriously, what's the big deal?

I'm not going to marry the other chick.

I'm just going to fucking use her for a snatch.

That's a very nice thing to say about your fucking hot wife, or whatever she is.

Will you tell her I said hi?

Well, thank God I ain't got a bald spot or nothing, man.

Man, I got freaking long-ass wild hair.

Thank God I have a bald spot.

What color hair do you have?

It's black, man.

It's long and black.

It's probably almost to my knees.

There's no way it's to your knees.

Yeah, man.

Seriously, man.

Why do you have your hair?

Because I got a long ponytail, dude.

I've been wearing it for, oh, God, it's probably been about that same length for.

50 years.

No, I've had, my hair hasn't been cut in over 13 years, dude.

30 or 13?

13 or 14, man.

It's been this long for about five or six years now.

Does your hair grow faster than human hair?

Like, boatman hair grows faster than human hair does, right?

No, my hair, okay, dude, when I got my hair cut,

I used to do the hairstyle, come again, flip it back,

and make it look, and all that shit.

I got so damn tired of that.

Dude, I would have my hair cut in two weeks before the end of the month.

I'd have to get another freaking haircut.

That's how fast my hair growth is, man.

Yeah, I shave my head, so that way I don't have to worry about that.

Well, you know, I do shave my chin.

You know, I don't believe in Sean Mads.

You know, when you don't come in, you don't need that last bit of insulation.

So what is he saying?

What are you saying, though, man?

What is he saying, Miltman?

so yeah actually you know so i i do sport the hornet's nest too so i don't know what a hornet's

nest is that's some island okay you might not have been around it it's kind of like there's

an ongoing joke okay just real quick back in the 70s okay in the 30s children are right out there

long time ago back in the 70s before your parents were born you know maybe into the 80s okay girls

Those did not shave that shit, okay?

Yeah.

You pulled that freaking panty down, and, man, you had this, like, bush, man.

It looked like a freaking hornet's nest.

Boy, man, you get that fucker all excited, man.

Then some bitch come out and sting you.

It's a kind of a hornet's nest.

So do you have your pubes braided down to your knees?

Oh, hell, yes.

You got one going on the other side.

That's a really neat thing, man, because once you got that damn hornet's nest all excited,

besides stinging you, it starts to scraping on you like a damn Brilla pad, man.

And that action right there is enough to bring you to your knees, man.

I mean, you know.

And so is all the comedian looked up.

Yeah, you ain't working that thing, keeping it going,

keeping it going steady, man.

You're going to be crying out in pain because, man,

by the next morning, you know, your shit's going to be tore up.

I love when he's happy.

Brooklyn's cracking himself up.

That's always good to hear you happy, my man.

Yeah, he's remembering when he used to get laid in the 70s.

Oh, my God.

What the hell was that?

Do you ever comb your hair forward and pretend you're Cousin Ed?

No, but I have done it before just to freak people out because most people don't realize I have long hair.

I don't know that you really have to do that to freak people out, Milman.

No, I take my long hair and I put it inside my coveralls for work.

No one knows I have long hair.

Oh, okay.

You wouldn't know it unless you paid attention.

We've got a special call.

We haven't had this guy in a while.

Hello?

Who is it?

Badhouse Radio, you're on the air.

Hi.

Hey, how you doing there, buddy?

Burn.

You got burn. Burn.

Hello.

Hello, this is the liquor store.

Yes, sir.

Great. What kind of beer specials you're having tomorrow?

What kind of beer special you like, bro?

Well, anything green going on over there tomorrow, if you know what I mean?

Yeah, for St. Patrick's, they didn't make this year anything green.

Only you have to buy food dyeing.

You know what I'm talking about? The green color.

Do you have the food dye there?

Yeah, they mix it with any beer.

What's the secret ingredient in green beer?

Green beer.

Do you know what the secret ingredient is in Irish green beer?

I'll tell you.

Go ahead.

It's the blood of Iraqi children.

There ain't nothing wrong with that.

Oh, yeah?

Are you Shiite or Sunni?

Excuse me?

Are you Shiite or Sunni?

I'm a Catholic, bro.

My ass.

Okay, the Apostles' Creed in three seconds.

Two, one, go.

Okay.

I believe in God, the Father Almighty.

Go ahead, continue.

Come on, Catholic.

Why you don't come over here?

You look like you got nothing to do, man.

And in Jesus Christ, his only son, our Lord.

Of course, Jesus Christ, bro.

Who was born of the Virgin Mary.

We are not those Catholics, the one you guys in here.

We are the whole church, bro.

The Catholic is the devil's church, I heard.

That's by you guys, not by us.

Who am I supposed to be now?

Because you guys, you don't believe in nobody.

I'm a Catholic, you asshole.

I don't think you are a Catholic, asshole.

If you are really a man, get your ass over here.

Look, I was just doing the Apostles' Creed.

You can't even do the Apostles' Creed and you say you're a Catholic.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

You know what?

Why don't you get your fucking ass in here, fucker?

Why don't you suck this dick?

You could fuck yourself?

Yeah.

Are you wearing women's panties?

I don't ask what's my thing with an asshole like you.

Let me ask you.

Do you have black panties or tan panties on tonight?

Sir.

Son of a bitch.

That was kind of cool.

I was paying more attention to the cat.

It's going to call and be a dick.

Yeah.

That was kind of...

I kind of lost into that one.

That was kind of funny.

The blood of Iraqi children, I said.

I know.

Wow.

Look at you.

That's pretty sick.

I'm sorry.

I got hateful.

Yeah.

The blood of Iraqi children.

Next is going to be the blood of Pakistani children.

I will hit a nerve at some point.

No, no.

Iranian children.

They're next.

Yeah.

That's who's going to be dead.

Yep.

You're on notice, Iran.

All our Iranian listeners.

And then China.

Yeah.

All our Iranian listeners.

You know what happened to our Iranian listener?

What was his name?

What was that guy?

That Muslim dude?

He was really weird.

Someone mailed him a used condom.

I forgot his name already.

Kevin?

D-T-T.

Oh, I thought it was Kevin.

Yeah, I remember him calling in.

D-T-T, yeah.

He's a Muslim.

He's Iranian, you know.

Persian, I think you say.

Get rid of those.

What?

Don't leave those around there.

Oh, these?

Yeah.

No.

Oh, yeah, I've got to consolidate all those together.

Anyway.

Hi, Shamrock Limousine?

Shamrock Limousine.

Yes, great.

Great. I have a question, sir.

What kind of Irish special are you having tomorrow for Irish Day?

Tomorrow?

Yeah.

Friday?

Yeah.

What did you guys want to do?

Isn't it tomorrow St. Irish Day or something like that?

Yeah.

Like Irish Day?

Always got special.

Yeah.

Always got special.

Okay, well, why don't you...

Friday's Day tomorrow.

Why don't you sell it to me?

So I'll be in a jackass, first of all.

Can you sell it to me?

Yeah, we can.

We can give you astronomical rates.

Astronomical rates.

Extra-nomical rates?

Sir, sir, extra-nomical rates?

I could give you the car Friday, Saturday, and Sunday at discounted rates.

Are you interested?

Let me ask you, before we get into that,

have you been drinking a little bit of whiskey tonight, sir?

You know what?

I'm a non-drinker ever since I got married.

I stopped drinking.

I'm in the transportation business.

It's not a vice for anybody to be drinking in the transportation business.

But you were an alcoholic before, though, right?

Right, no, absolutely not.

I don't know about that.

You sound like you're a little sloshed right now.

No, I have a lot of responsibilities.

We shuffle a lot of people around, and it's not a job to be drinking.

He sounds drunk, doesn't he?

Yeah, you sound really serious, sir.

Can you blow into the phone for me real quick, listen, get a blood alcohol content readout?

They say that if you ever get pulled over and if you have to blow, they say you've got to blow as hard as you can, and you'll beat it.

No, that's stupid.

Do you know what it does, seriously?

Blood from your lungs that actually travels up gets metered by it,

and the alcohol content in that.

If you do that, you're going to give yourself more chance of failing the test there, buddy.

That effect, see?

I just listened to Mancow 101.9 in the morning.

Fuck Mancow.

That faggot.

Mancow.

He's a faggot, too.

Yeah, why?

What did he get rated?

The number one shock jock in America two nights ago?

Is that what I heard?

What do you think about Howard Stern going over to Surrey Satellite Radio?

Yeah, imagine that.

Who's this now?

My name is Tony.

No, I'm talking about who you're talking about.

Howard who?

Howard Stern.

I never heard of him.

What's he do exactly?

He rocks.

Yeah.

I'm not doing too good, though.

Wait a minute.

You're a Mad Cow fan and you're also a Howard Stern fan.

Yeah, I'm a fan of anybody that...

And he was not there.

Puts me over the radio.

Man, Kyle puts me on how it's turned.

I got to look up how it's turned some day.

Yeah.

How about you?

What kind of business are you in?

Well, you like Carlito?

He puts you on the air, too.

You know what?

Anybody that gives me good press, they're riding my limousines free.

Hey, Tony.

Yes, Louie?

Yes.

Tony, do you know the phrase that pays?

The phrase that pays?

Yes.

I know one we need to barter time.

Well, if you can say the phrase that pays, you win the prize.

Phrase that pays.

Yes.

You win a $40, you win a 40 gigabyte iPod if you can say the phrase that pays right now.

The phrase that pays.

Let me ask you a question.

How many kilobytes in a gigabyte?

That's not the correct phrase that pays.

I'm sorry, sir, you have lost.

Oh, come on.

I'm sorry.

That's not the phrase that pays.

It's not the phrase that pays.

It's not the phrase that pays, sir.

All right, all right, you got me now.

All right.

All right. Now, come true, where are you calling us from, and how old are you?

My age is 25 years old.

Okay.

I'm pulling into the staging lot at O'Hare right now.

Uh-huh. Let me ask you...

Four more flights coming in. Busy day. Busy day.

Shamrock Limousine is rocking.

Yeah. Okay, so how often did you used to drink?

You really sound like you used to have a drinking problem.

A lot of times, alcoholics, they keep that slurred voice kind of thing.

It's like a palsy kind of, like the dead, you know him?

You're kidding.

You're messing with me now, brother.

No, no, no.

You have a palsy-like voice.

It sounds honestly like the left side of your face might not move.

You should call him Drunk Tony.

Yeah, Drunk Tony.

That's right.

Can we call you Drunk Tony from now on?

Whenever we call.

Hey, you know what?

If you're taping me, you need to give Shamrock Limousine some good press.

Shamrock Limousine, everybody, where you can go for homosexual limousine rides.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, that's not good for us, brother.

Come on.

Okay, I need you to give us a promo for Shamrock Limousine, but you need to do it in your best drunk imitation.

No, no, no.

Come on, no, make it sound like, make it sound, can you talk like you're drunk?

Forget it.

Shamrock Limousine is a 24-hour service.

Tell the computer, though.

It's top quality.

All our limousines are new.

Our drivers are all professional trained.

They're self-defense trained.

What?

Defensive driving trained.

We buy a bodyguard service.

We're top notch, brother.

Are they armed?

Top notch.

Unarmed security.

Okay.

So how do they drive the car?

Oh, funny.

Seriously, though, can you kick a man's ass?

We're self-defense trained in pressure point control.

Pressure point control?

Basically, we know how to defend ourselves.

We all take yearly classes.

It's phenomenal.

Right.

Let me ask you a question.

So you're trained in, like, in whatever situation,

what pressure point you can use to neutralize me, right?

Absolutely.

Now, what if I try to drop an anvil on your head?

I'm checking the staging lot to see if all my cars got their shamrock signs in the window.

I'm pulling up on one car now.

We don't need to write him up.

Actually, I'm going to beat his ass right now.

Yeah, do it.

Hey, can you fire it?

Oh, Jesus.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hold on.

You want to talk to my driver?

Yeah, put that faggot on.

Here, hold on.

Hey, this is the real estate guy.

The real estate guy?

The telemarketing guy.

Hello?

Yeah, Adam.

Hello?

Yeah, we drive for Shamrock Limousines.

We've got the best service around.

How good is the service?

How good is service?

The best service you like.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

President, hey, we're bringing...

Hey, hey, hey, hey, listen up.

Yes.

I got to check on three more cars to make sure my signs are in the window.

Well, let me talk to your drivers already.

You want to talk to how many?

If you talk to one, you want to talk to a couple more?

Yeah.

Why not?

All right.

You're a good guy.

What is your name?

My name is Bruce.

Bruce Stevenson.

I need to get a little...

Bruce Stevenson.

And where are you from, Bruce?

I'm from here in town, here on Main Street, east side of town.

You're from Stoney Island, or where are you from?

Sorry, what?

Where are you from, Stoney Island?

Yeah.

East side of town.

Is it Dan Ryan, or what's up with that?

East side of what?

I'm over here.

Well, originally I'm from Schaumburg.

Who do you like in the NCAA, brother?

I would have to say UConn.

UConn looks really good.

They look really good.

Hey, can I teach you pressure point control?

Can you come to one of my courses?

Where are you going to touch me at?

You know what?

It's a three-day course, eight-hour course, and you walk out self-defense.

What's that?

What's that back there?

It's only $1,500.

How about I go down there and I push you around?

Huh?

You like that?

You know what?

You become one of my drivers.

Are you allergic to anything, sir?

Am I allergic to anything?

Yeah.

You

know what?

This place is rocking this over here airport.

I don't care about the airport.

We're talking about you.

Are you allergic to anything, sir?

Any food, any medicine, anything?

No, but my wife is.

What's she allergic to?

Stink.

What's she allergic to?

Stink.

Steak?

Eggs.

Oh, okay, eggs, eggs, eggs.

So what if I forced her to eat an egg sandwich?

Then you have to deal with the pressure point control techniques, brother.

Is there a pressure point on the foot?

On the foot?

Yeah.

There's pressure points in the neck.

There's pressure points behind the ear.

There's pressure points in the nose.

There's pressure points in the legs.

There's pressure points everywhere.

Hey, man, for all that, why don't you guys just carry taser guns, man?

Oh, we're not here to harm anybody.

buddy. We're just here to keep our customers happy, and a lot of times we take our customers

places where they need to go.

All right. Well, how about, okay, you have any openings I really like to drive? I got

my CDL license and shit like that, you know? I used to drive, listen, I used to drive Humvees

over in the war and shit, and I'm trained to use a taser. I used to tase children and

And dogs all the time in Iraq, just for the hell of it.

I see.

Now you're just running around the streets chasing dogs and animals, huh?

Well, no, we get bored and stuff, but the funniest thing we did one time,

we took this stray dog and we tied a rope to him,

and then we tied the other end of the rope to the propeller of one of them,

what's one of them boats?

The boats with the big fan on the back of it.

A hydrofoil.

Hey, you know what?

We got, if you book a limousine from Chermike Limousines,

We have a package where we can take you to dinner at Lake Michigan.

It's a yacht.

I'll take you to dinner if you call now.

Come on, brother.

Come on.

Refresh that.

Hey, shut up.

What's going on now?

What's happening?

You're a jackass.

You know, you really don't want me to go down there right now.

I'm not happy with you right now.

I must be honest with you.

I'm very ashamed of you right now, sir.

Well, we got the best service in town, brother.

All right.

Would you like to pull my leg hairs?

Would I like to pull your leg hairs?

Yeah.

And with that, we say goodnight to you.

Bye, sir.

God bless you.

And God bless these United States.

All right?

All right, amen.

And I don't know what the fuck that was all about.

Yeah.

That was weird.

It's weird when they're so compliant.

Yeah, I know.

He's looking to be a regular on a radio show.

Yeah, he's like, anyone who prank calls him, you can keep him on the phone forever

because he wants to be on a radio show.

Yep, so that's what everybody should do.

You are listening to a replay of Madhouse Radio.

No, you're not having a little sex with me.

Yes, I am.

You're going to like it, too, but maybe you're not.

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Hello, hello, you're on Carlito's Madhouse.

What's up, Zola?

How you doing, man?

Que te pasa, amigo?

Ah, que aqui, mas o menos, man.

So, what's going on with you?

Did you get to hear last night's whole thing?

I only heard part of it, but what did you get to hear of, or did you get to hear it?

Well, in all actuality, and I love to say in all actuality,

because I say in all actuality quite a lot in all actuality.

All right.

I didn't hear it, but first time I turned on my aim, I got quite a few messages,

and somebody was nice enough to send me some audio,

which I cut down a few little snippets and sent to you if you'd play,

and we could all hear it for the first time.

I've got it.

Who haven't heard it?

I've got it.

I can play it.

I don't think you guys would be able to hear it.

No, actually, I think I can't make it so you guys can hear it, possibly.

I might be able to get that to work out.

It's very hurtful of you.

Yeah.

Lego, do you want to hear that?

Should I play that later?

I'll play that when you hear it.

I fucking lived it.

I heard it.

That's right.

Yeah, you were on there.

I did everybody, all the fans, a favor and cut Lego's voice out.

Ah, good.

Very good thinking, Solo.

Very good thinking.

Why?

You don't think I spoke well to him?

That's not the point.

Nobody wants to hear you.

You're fucking boring.

You know, you're really like a mean, nasty, fucked-up nigger.

There you go.

Thank you.

Zola knows a compliment when he hears one.

Apparently.

So, Zola, what are your thoughts?

I mean, you got to hear it, then.

I'm assuming you've heard this file, right?

Any thoughts on this before we play it in a little bit here?

Yeah.

Well, Lego actually said something intelligent for once.

It wasn't funny, but it was intelligent.

All right.

He said it.

It's like a chemical imbalance.

The guy's a faggot anyway.

And he's got some mental problem right there.

And anybody who's gay has got a fucking mental problem to begin with.

And then he's depressed.

And he's an alcoholic.

So there's a million things going on here.

So play the clip, and then we'll get into it.

Okay, let me see if I can...

Oh, Jesus, that's going to kill me all night tonight with that shit.

All right, let me see if I can get this to work out, guys.

You guys are going to be on mute.

Hopefully, I can at least get the phone up to the speaker.

Dougal, you don't mind holding it?

This is, you know, you're doing the call here.

What's up, dude?

Yeah, well, dude, what do I care, you know?

No, I'm just a fucking piece of chopped liver that didn't make it off the fork, it seems.

Well, apparently.

That's unfortunate.

No need to say that.

That's not true.

But, no, I'm serious.

I mean, we're not taking up your time, right?

I mean, if not...

Dude, all I know is I fucking get Zola on the phone, and right away he starts me up.

I thought the guy loves me.

I don't know.

You guys...

I bet you guys had more love for each other.

I don't know.

All right, hang on, guys.

Hopefully you can hear this, and hang on, everybody, for the first time.

I hope I don't get in trouble for this with KDK, but...

I played a clip already.

Play it.

All right, here we go.

That's not it

Son of a fucking Puerto Rican

Procrastinate like there's no to fuck tomorrow

It's just my genetic makeup

It's my lot in life

To always be miserable and unhappy

You know how much I love it

Every day that you send me somebody like you

Fuck people without condoms

I didn't even give a shit

Because as far as I was concerned

If I would die

It would just prevent me from a life of unhappiness

44 people listening

So fuck you all

I hate you all

Go ahead and eat shit and die

that's what I have to say to everybody out there

my life is not that bad

I have a nice job

I have a nice car

I have a nice house

I have a beautiful boyfriend

give me a kiss

but none of that takes anything away from the fact that I'm unhappy

I'm crying so I'm gonna go to a break

I hate my life and I'm miserable

I'm gonna kill myself

I'm bringing you

I'm crying so I'm gonna go to a break

I'm miserable

and you're somebody who could go out and make a lot out of your life

if you weren't chained to a loser like me.

I think you're getting depressed.

I'm not even drunk yet.

That's the sad part.

I'm not even drunk yet.

That's the sad part.

I've been depressed for goddamn so long

it doesn't even matter anymore.

Because nobody out there realizes

how miserable and happy I've been for so long.

Such a pussy, but I'm serious.

So miserable and happy for so long

that, uh, you know,

I should probably just cut the audio to end the show

because I'm talking about this on the air.

That's what people want to hear.

People don't want to hear me, like,

fun and, like, fuck with people.

People want to hear me in pain.

How old am I?

I'm 34 years old.

How old are you?

You'll be 27 in April.

So I'm feeling like a dirty old creep like Frank, man.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Anyway, you guys hear that?

Yeah.

Yeah, we heard it.

Now that you've played the clip, I'd like to break character of Zolar and be serious

because Lego is a decent individual who tries to put out at least some kind of sentiment

intimate of caring and stuff like that, where I'm just trying to be shocking and harsh.

And it's not right.

We should call KDK right now on the air if Lego would provide that service to us.

And we should tell him that we love him and that we appreciate the fact that he built

this whole fucking area for us to be what we are, and we need him around, and all that

other good stuff, in all reality.

Okay.

I can't actually do it on this.

Oh, wait, you know what?

I can do it on this phone.

All right, let me do it.

How can I do this?

All right, I'm going to put you, okay, I'm going to put you guys on.

You guys should still be on the line.

All right, listen, is this going to be like a major project?

No, no, I'll do it.

I'll do it.

Oh, then you do it.

Zola can do it.

This is a big network we've got going on here, man.

And we'll get him to do it.

I called him today, but he didn't answer.

Well, I'm going to get him on right now.

Zola will do it.

And even though, oh, I see, I put his phone number under his real name.

I was looking for KBK, and I got him under his real name.

Hold on, here we go.

So when I come back, we'll have, hopefully, KDK,

and we'll all get to express our true feelings

and not just trying to be a satirist Zola, okay?

Exactly.

While you do that, I will play the KDK theme song

from the movie Police Academy, the Blue Oyster Gay Bar music song.

Cool.

You're on the end. You're on the end now.

Uh-huh.

Hey, everybody, KDK.

KDK, everybody.

What's up, brother?

Oh, not much.

I had dinner.

So listen, while you were eating your dinner,

were you listening to Carlito?

Yeah.

And did you hear me bust on you?

Yeah.

Do you know I was kidding?

No, I think you're a comeback.

I think you're kidding now.

No, no, no, no, no.

And at the end of him playing the clip, did you hear me say that, you know, I'm going

to break character and not be a satirist?

Everybody knows I'm crazy.

I have chemical imbalances.

I'm manic depressive and bipolar.

And you know what?

If you don't like it, don't listen.

Right.

But what I'm saying, though, do you know I'm kidding when we say, you know, we don't

fucking bust?

You know what?

I'm being crass.

No, I think you're kidding now.

I think you really are an asshole.

I think, like me, I think you're a miserable person, and instead of letting it out, you lash out and attack everybody else.

All right, but listen, the other guys, but what about the other guys?

That is your defensive wall.

Well, what about the other guys? You know that they care, though, right?

Yeah, probably, on some level.

So then that's all that counts. So then I'm going to fucking be quiet and let them speak,

so then this way you at least don't believe me that I care,

because I'm the one who developed the fact that we wanted to get you on the air and let you know.

I'll be quiet and let them profess their love and caring for you.

Everything is fine. That's what manic depression is.

Hey, KDK.

Hello.

How you doing? It's Carlito. KDK.

Zolar.

Without Zolar?

What's going on?

Are you hearing this?

Yeah, I'm hearing you now.

Are we on the air, Carlito?

Yeah, we're on the air. I'm trying to speak to KDK. I wanted to say hi to KDK, but I don't think he can hear me.

Yes, he can.

I can hear you.

KDK, I'm saying hi. How you doing?

Hey, how are you?

Alright, I'm sane. I just want to say hi to you. Hello. It's always a pleasure to talk to you. And what are you having for dinner tonight?

night? I'm eating pizza. Pizza? Frozen, did you order? Look, KDK, KDK, listen, all we

want you to know is, I'll speak for myself, I'll speak for Zola and Carlito and everybody

out there, we do care about you, bro. That's not necessary, I feel fine. Okay, but I want

you to know we all do care about you, and we all put everything you do, so we want you

to know that. I know a lot of people appreciate all this garbage. What? A lot of people appreciate

I appreciate all this garbage.

Bro, I'm serious, man.

I'm serious.

I felt really bad last night, dude.

I did, too.

Well, I'm sorry to put you through this.

No, no, bro, it's okay.

I'm just saying, you know, it's cool, but just know that when you feel like that,

you've got people that really care about you.

That's all.

That's all I'm going to say.

I know.

All right, I'm glad you know it.

Okay, that was Lego, Zola, and KDK.

Any thoughts on that, Andy?

We have no idea what was going on, probably.

A lot of stroking of egos.

It felt like the men of the Gorilla Clan just got together and beat their chests.

Here's somebody who's going to call and tell us how lame it was.

Hey, man, this sucks.

Oh, that was lame.

Yo, yo, why you suck?

Make a phone call.

Yo, why KDK so gay?

Yes, hello?

You're in the madhouse.

Go ahead.

Huh?

Hello?

Am I on?

Yes, you're on.

I saw that, like, ripping KDK in the street.

Did you see?

Did you see what he was saying?

He was throwing a load of dirty hints there.

That's Zolar style.

style no but he was saying he's like yeah maybe they have a manic depression are you serious

are you serious i didn't oh my god what are you eating no way are you eating oh my god did you

really oh my god what what are you eating what are you eating me yeah bagel oh what do you got

a tongue ring or something who are you talking to who is this mc emo mc emo mc emo you have a

Is that a tongue ring?

Raiden.

What?

Raiden?

Raiden.

Oh, Raiden.

Homeless of what?

Belfort.

Yeah.

No one said that since 97.

He's never that bright.

Anyway.

So, hey dude.

What's up?

Did you have something you wanted to say about the conversation you were saying whether

Zolar was dogging KDK?

You're right.

He totally came out and...

Oh, yeah.

But he's right.

Y'all are all saying, yeah, he's being mean, but he's being right.

And what was the homerun?

They're not right.

It's just not right.

Has one touched you?

What are you...

Nothing?

Did he just say...

Some bad avenue?

to you? You all right, man?

Yeah.

McGee-mo.

And Tee.

Tee.

Oh, I didn't know that was your St. Patrick's Day name.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my bad, dude.

Oh, yeah, I thought you'd like, you know, McCartney.

I thought you were McGee-mo.

Yeah, or McGregor.

That side, that's Scottish.

Like, you like emo music and you're Irish.

McKinty.

No, it's a joke.

Oh.

That's funny.

Are you emo?

I like that.

Or is that just a thing?

No.

How old are you?

Let me guess, 17, Andy?

Am I what?

How old do you think he is?

I'm saying 17.

No, 16.

19.

13.

12.

Hi.

14.

First.

I said first.

I said 14.

Yeah.

Are all the gay kids at your school beating you up and shit?

No.

Actually, no.

Gay kids?

Yeah.

Come and get us your lunch money, McEmo.

Come, breeder.

You get it?

Is there a retarded kid that goes there?

Yeah, there's a lot of them.

There's a bunch of classes.

There's like eight teachers for them.

Dude, did you ever play tag with them?

Like, did you run over and tag them in 2002?

Uh, no, but they've been in my gym class, so I actually have.

Try- you know what, start a game of tag with them.

We- we had some guy that used to do this at- at our school, when we went to high school.

Yep.

Richard Brantley.

Yep.

And, uh, yeah.

Teach- teach one of those retards how to play tag and- and people can tag them all year and-

Would it be like the dead, or what?

No, he used to- he looked like a rat.

Dropping-

He'd be all the way down his head.

What's on that is-

That guy was crazy.

He was like fuckin' Rain Man, but like a monkey Rain Man.

One time, he leapt onto-

Yeah, and it went like, never heard of him.

Yeah, personally.

So you are, would you say you're homophobic?

I'd say that.

Do you go to church a lot or anything like that?

No, maybe.

He has a Christian thing there for a second.

You know what I mean?

I thought it was one of those, oh, you're Republican or you're conservative?

I'm libertarian.

Are you anti-homosexual?

Yeah, they're not anti-homosexual at all.

Dude, you're out of your mind.

There's a lot of homo, like, I would say.

Libertarians are 99% homosexual.

Homosexual, yeah.

Do some reading.

Yeah, well, he's young.

He doesn't know.

He's getting his.

Maybe this movement doesn't work.

Have you ever read that book?

Seriously, I don't know.

I don't care, dude.

It's all fucked up anyway.

Yeah.

So, hey, thanks for calling in, man.

Thank you for calling.

And you want to give any shout-out?

Anybody want to give a shout-out to you?

Are you going to get a show, too?

Yeah.

Are you going to get a show?

Do you want to go to our show?

No.

Be homosexual?

Yeah.

Oh, see.

You should call KDK Show.

You should get a show, too.

You should call and talk to KDK.

Every 14-year-old should have a show.

He has a lot of hate for homosexuals, man.

He's making a big deal of it.

There's nothing wrong with me.

All right, don't, so, he doesn't, he probably doesn't, well, now he's heard it, but don't worry about it, man, just, who cares, he doesn't care, there's a lot of homophobic people.

We'll go back and bleep it.

Yeah, there's been people in here who, like, have heard on the air that KDK is gay, and they'll say, I'm never coming back, and they'll leave the chatroom, they never come back, I've seen that twice.

There's lots of people who have heard that, Carlson.

I've come back for, like, us.

Yeah, dude.

Good, okay.

I know.

The only straight people here are me, Andy, and Zolar.

Yeah.

Lego's gay.

Everybody else is gay.

Yeah.

Is Tim Slutts gay?

I think so.

Yeah, I think he is, too.

Oh, you can give him a nurse.

He gets out of your nurse?

He wants to be a nurse.

Oh, you want to be a nurse?

Yeah.

That's a good job, man.

Good luck with that.

There's nothing gay about being a male nurse.

No.

I think Zora's a homosexual.

You want to be a male nurse, so that's all right, man.

Well, hey, we're going to go.

Hey, thank you for calling, dude.

All right, peace out.

Later, man.

One.

Later.

Bye.

I remember when, I remember when I lost my...

You're calling about what?

Yes.

Are you cutting out?

You're calling about what?

12-3, Gattles.

One more time, please.

The cleats?

The goats.

The goats?

Sorry, you have the wrong number.

We do not have goats.

No, I think I have the right number.

And you're, like, goats, animals, goats?

Well, actually, my name's Damien.

I didn't catch you at a bad time, did I?

Well, yeah, you, no, you didn't catch me at a bad time, but what are you calling about?

Well, this is going to be hard for me to really say, but I'm one of your daughter's friends.

Uh-huh.

And, um...

I'm sorry, say that again?

Well, we kind of have a club, me and a couple guys.

She's been hanging out with us for about two months now.

I wouldn't necessarily say that we're dating, but I think it's all kind of a mutual thing.

And she missed her period last month, and she hasn't had it again this month.

What's your daughter's name?

Everybody's here in the same room, and we just wanted to kind of call you as a group

and let you know that we want to be here, you know, regardless of which one of it is.

we could each pitch in like 10 bucks a month.

Yeah.

Okay.

What's my daughter's name?

Look, one of the things about our club is we all kind of use nicknames, I guess.

I'm Damien, and then there's Alfonso, and there's a few others here, but we're kind

of a religious organization, and she went by Junebug, and we're more or less kind of

a support group, and we don't really ask for names.

We all had sex together in the hides of March.

and uh yeah there it is that's our celebration of the um fertility queen um in our culture it

was in the woods and everything how did you get this number well she gave it to us we've called

before my daughter gave you this number is that what you're saying and my daughter's and my

daughter's name is why do y'all keep asking us that we call their june bug i'm damian alfonso

is here she says why am i asking you that because i'm her father that's why i'm asking why are you

calling me he thinks she's pregnant and being that we've already kind of got a

bad reputation you know Church of the Antichrist well I mean it's the you

know it's just tough enough my daughter's 11 years old do you have any

idea what you're doing right now well apparently you don't I can have the

police called on you right now and you go jail for a long time how about that

well it's kind of a win-win situation for both of us it's a win-win explain

that to me well there's four of us and we were all gonna ship in $10 for what

Hey, man, do you play basketball?

Why are you asking me that question?

Well, we heard you like to play basketball.

You guys, are you serious?

No.

Yeah.

No?

No, you're not.

You're not serious.

This is a joke.

Where is it?

You guys need to find something else to do with your lives besides this.

How much on and over there is it?

This is pathetic.

Hey, sir, how much over there on it is?

Excuse me?

How much over there on it is?

Yes.

Do you have any idea what you just said?

Absolutely, sir.

That makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever.

Do you know how iMoney make?

I got bad news.

That guy has my phone number, man.

I forgot to block the number.

I just guessed on the daughter thing.

She would have said, I don't have a daughter.

I'm like, your son.

She's got my number.

I had to steer it away because I realized I forgot to block the number again

because I'm using his new process.

So I had to make sure that he knew it was a girl.

I wasn't here tonight.

Yeah, me neither.

What the hell are you doing, cat?

By the way, I'm Pimpslut.

Hey, yeah.

I didn't ever announce that. I'm sorry, Pimpslut.

That's crazy.

That was a good prank, man.

That sounds like a different guy than the guy I called earlier.

I don't think so.

No, I'm Turdburglar.

Yeah, stupid.

You were saying you were Pimpslut.

You're fucking dumb.

I'm not dumb, man. I'm just high.

Fuck you, man.

All right, man, we're going to let you go.

Thank you for calling.

That was very, very fun.

Very fun.

Yeah, all right, guys.

I'm sure somebody's going to boycott the show because of child abuse,

but it was just a joke, guys.

Yeah, it always happens.

All right, dude.

It's happened before, and I'm not joking.

It's happened before in here.

Yeah, I know.

I was there.

You were there before.

That's right.

All right, man.

We'll catch you later, man.

Thanks for calling.

Always a pleasure.

All right, man.

Okay, Turd Burglar.

Wow.

Turd Burglar, everybody.

That was a special call.

Oh, that was very special.

That was a good call.

Good prank call.

That guy has my number now.

I'm paranoid.

He could come back here and kill you.

He was about to believe it.

That was the scariest part.

Yeah.

I know.

He wasn't...

Yeah, man, I would have been way madder than that.

I really wish...

Oh, here he goes.

You sure pick up the phone?

You're the fastest phone picker up for there, huh?

How can I help you?

Anyway, look, I got a problem.

You might want to get a manager for me.

Okay.

What's going on?

I don't want to say any curse words.

You know the C word?

Oh, okay.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

Hold on a second.

Juan, I'm going to help you.

Yeah, look, are you a manager or are you just like a dishwasher or something?

Your name is Juan?

No, no, no.

Yes.

What's your name?

Juan.

Juan?

Yes.

Can I speak to a manager?

I am the manager.

Let me speak to a series manager, not one with like a green card.

No, no, I don't have a green card.

I'm not Mexican.

You're not?

What are you?

No.

You're not Samoan, are you?

No, I'm not Samoan either.

Good, good, because you know what?

I have a problem with Samoans there in Chili's, and I'm going to tell you my story.

You ready?

Ready? You might want to get a paper and pad, because I'm really, I'm rip-worn upset.

Number one, where's the toilet paper in your bathroom?

You know what it's like to walk out of your bathroom with shit caked in between your cheeks?

I didn't do my underwear laundry, so it's all over my jeans now.

Okay.

Or just, yeah, don't apologize for that.

Okay.

Paper dry cleaning.

Now, here's what's going on. I got my food there, right?

I got the, whatever, the Cadillac.

I

had to go to the bathroom i went to your bathroom to take a

dump was only next thing i know i come out after i take this massive dump no toilet paper in there

I come out.

There's this Samoan family, huge, ugly, fat Samoan family in there, and my food is gone.

Either they ate it or someone stole my food.

Something happened down there, all right?

Now, why would you do that?

Why?

Do you know how much money it takes, how much effort it takes for me to come down there in public?

You know what I mean?

I mean, I'm the kind of guy that washes my hands every two minutes, all right?

Come on.

I'm hearing you.

You're not a manager, are you?

Yes, I am.

Give me another manager.

Duty right now.

You're the only manager in duty at this time of day at Chili's.

You're serious.

Yes, sir.

Yes, I'm serious, Skippy.

You're a damn liar.

That's what you are.

What can you do for me here?

Come on, make me happy.

Right now, where are you at?

I'm back at my hotel.

I don't know what the street is.

I don't know I'm at the hotel.

I'm at the Adam's Mark right now.

That's all you need to know.

I don't know why.

So you can come and hurt me?

No, no, no, no, no.

I was just asking that way I can get you back up in here and take care of you.

Take care of what?

Here we go, yeah.

When push comes to shove, now you're going to get uppity with me, huh?

No, I'm not.

Well, come on.

Now, look, can I go?

I need to go in and I need to get, like, a few orders of those fajitas.

I need some endless nachos to go to.

The classic nachos.

No, no, no.

I need the endless bowl of nachos you guys have there.

You know, the appetizer, the endless nachos that don't end.

Okay, yeah, we.

No, not we, you.

Did you come to Chili's?

Yes, Chili's, yes.

The Chili's, there.

there. Look, listen, listen, listen. Over there, all I know was on Farrington, all right?

Hotel, guy, where do I go to get some chilies? He said, go down to Farrington. I go down

to Farrington. I say the chilies. I get my fajitas. I go to take a shit. I come back

20 minutes later. Who's gone? There's some other nasty-ass people sitting there. They

probably ate my food and didn't even realize it. Then I complained to the girl. She kicked

me out, very rudely. Very rudely, mind you, she kicked me out. And this was all today?

This is all, like, just recently.

What?

What, are you calling me a liar now?

No, no, no.

I was just asking.

This is preposterous, sir.

What can you do for me?

What would you like me to do?

Free food.

Yeah, I got you.

All right, well, what are you going to do?

I need you spitting in my food.

Why are you going to spit in your food?

Well, here's what's going to happen.

I'm going to come down there with my family.

You're going to feed us all, but we're going to stand in the kitchen and watch you cook.

That I can't let you do.

Oh, here we go with excuses.

Why not?

Because it's against father.

Oh, come on.

You know how it goes.

Look, look, look, you know, you go high, look, you know how it goes.

You go high, I go low, we meet in the middle, all right?

The family's going to come down there, we're going to go, you're going to set up a table for us back there,

open bar, and look, like nothing happened.

Open bar, that I can't do for you, open bar.

Do you know who my uncle is?

My uncle plays golf.

No, I don't know who you are.

My uncle plays golf with John Brinker.

Okay, well, we're not Brinker.

Yeah, you are, you're Chili's, bitch.

We're Pacific Maritimes.

Fuck that shit, man.

We owe all of you.

No, we're Pacific Maritimes.

Look, you be sorry tomorrow morning.

You're going to be cleaning toilets tomorrow morning.

Toilets.

Sounds good to me.

At the KFC.

You're going to be cleaning.

Sounds good to you, huh?

Do you know why?

It's a step up for me.

Because you're a dishwasher.

I knew it.

Busted.

Come on.

Really get me with a manager now.

You are dealing with a manager.

There's no manager named Juan.

There isn't.

Not in America.

Not in America would something like that fly.

Is this racist thing or something here now?

This isn't racist.

This is I want my service.

Not in America there's a manager named Juan.

Exactly.

I know.

Look, I know.

This is racist.

I know Hawaii, not America, really.

It's America, okay?

Wherever you are, this is America.

That's the bottom line.

So what are you going to do for me?

Either you do this, or I'm going to tell my uncle to come.

Oh, you're going to be fired.

You know what?

We may ship your job overseas.

You know?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, there's plenty of other Juans who'd love to do your job for half the price.

So that's it.

You're not even going to apologize for what's happened.

You're not going to offer me the free food.

Well, I would apologize, but you're over here threatening me.

What did I threaten you with?

You tell me how I threaten you.

All I'm saying is...

I'm a dishwasher.

There's no...

There's nobody named Juan that's the manager for...

You're a dishwasher.

You just admitted you're a dishwasher.

No, I'm not.

That's what you told me.

I heard you.

That's what you're telling me.

Do I not have to go again with the sound?

Look, let me talk to someone else over there.

Let me talk to somebody with some sense.

Week's worth of food to compensate.

I want the damn open bar.

For the rest of the week, you're there.

Six kids.

I don't know.

They're all fat.

Do the phone down.

He's pissed.

Please enter your destination number now.

Let's leave him be for a little while.

He's really pissed off at you.

He's probably going to go kill everyone.

He's going to go pay I-6 Mary's number.

He's probably on the way to the Adelaide Park.

I'm going to kill everyone.

I-6 number.

If you copy that to the plan,

if you complete that here using our number,

internationally, the other person to undersea cables,

and they make a party that you're behind the cables.

I know you are in with this man.

I'm going to America here.

So, yeah, is that a threat?

Yeah, he will.

You know, there's a lot of price.

What?

I said goodbye.

So I'm putting you down and you're refusing to pay.

And when I make a card, find you guilty.

You're guilty of being an asshole.

The end of my day.

Thank you.

Recorded.

That was awesome.

Yeah, I got it.

Oh, it's fine.

It's fine.

Now, FedEx office, it's Robin.

How may I help you?

I'm sorry, is this Robin?

Yes.

Robin, did I leave my USB drive over there?

I don't know.

What does it look like?

Where did you leave it here?

It looks like a USB drive, it's small, and on the one hand it has this light, and on the top it says, send this.

And on the other hand it has this thing, and you put it in the USB, and it goes boop boop, and then it goes in.

And then the files go from the drive, and you put them in the computer.

So what color is it, and where did you leave it, and when?

And then I left click like this, and then it comes on the screen, and then you make the file.

Well, the printer goes in this, like this, the paper, I make the paper come out.

Who is this?

This is Robin.

When did you leave this jump drive here?

Maybe earlier today, I don't know.

Okay, and what color is it primarily, and what size is it?

Maybe it's white.

Maybe it's white?

Yeah.

Do you have anything in the lost and found?

Possible, but I...

That's it, that's mine, that's mine, that's the one that the guy said.

That's mine, the one, yeah, that's my USB drive, give it to me.

What one?

The one that I lost.

I don't know.

I haven't looked and lost and found yet.

I need to know these.

Have the combination to the USB drive box.

I'm sorry?

Do you have a combination to the USB?

The combination to the USB drive box?

Yes.

Or you put the USB drives that people forgot and that you people keep,

and then you sell them again, and then you pack them.

Okay, so what color is your jump drive?

It's white, maybe.

White, yeah.

It's maybe or no.

Is it black?

Is it white?

Is it red?

Is it blue?

What color is it?

And I need to know what size it is.

What color you have.

Maybe it's white.

No, no, no.

I'm sorry, sir.

That's not the way it works because there are many people that leave their jump tires here on accident.

Huh?

And we only go by what they tell us it looks like.

Well, I need...

Because if I say it looks like this, you say, oh, yeah, that'd be yours.

You understand?

I need, like, a one gigabyte drive.

You need one or you have one that's lost?

Well, it's lost.

I need it back.

Okay.

Well, you can come in because we have several.

That's mine.

Give it now.

Or you can come in and take a look at it.

No, no.

Tell us.

No, you need to give it.

Did you find, did you tell me yes or no?

We have several jump drives.

You have all, you have several of my jump drives.

Okay, I want to come, and I would like you to give me my USB drives.

Okay, you can come in and tell us you have your jump drive while I'm here,

and then we'll give it to you, okay?

Pamela, Pamela, hello?

Pamela?

Phone number is this?

This is.

For the phone 171.

Yes, I'm Mike with Corporate.

I'm Cynthia Andrews.

Okay, great.

A little bit of a challenge right now.

I'm trying to get a conference call together of some of the stores in your region.

Changes that are going to get sent out.

And you guys are closing up, right?

Or you guys get another store.

Which store number is this?

Give me one line.

This is 1126.

All right, one more.

Yes, ma'am.

What store number is this?

25, what do you call that?

I'm not sure.

Is that something you really should know?

3568?

Okay, fantastic.

Mike with Corsa Headquarters.

Yes, sir.

Are you the manager?

No, sir.

I'm a cashier.

You're the cashier.

Okay, get the manager on the phone, please.

Okay.

You there?

In that world?

I don't know, man.

I can't even hold you.

This is totally unacceptable.

Unbelievable.

Looks like we're getting another store number on the phone.

Hello, my phone.

Can I help you?

Ma'am, this is Mike with Corbett.

What store number is this?

Sorry?

Number.

What?

For words.

Nobody seems to know what their store number is, but you...

So, we need to get this, ma'am.

Ma'am, are you still holding it?

Yes, I'm still here on hold.

Okay.

Okay, the problem that we've come up with, we've had an inspection that's been done,

and there's some changes that are going to go into effect tomorrow.

So it's not okay on your ship tonight, but we're going to have some, just as things change.

It's not too big of a deal.

Our main challenge right now is people on the phone.

No problem.

Yeah, I was just making sure you weren't going to hang up before I gave you my information.

I didn't know what was going on.

All right.

Here's our document.

We have reached the McDonald's West Division office.

Wow.

It's open.

We've never had any problems like this before.

We get a lot of calls, and that's probably what they think it is.

There's a lot of people that call us.

Yes, I know. What is your store number, please?

14314.

Okay, good. This is Michael in the corporate office.

I've got one other store on the phone right now.

We've had a challenge come over to NET recently tonight.

Are you guys closing up right now?

We're still open.

The changes that are coming down the NET that we're going to need you guys tonight,

that way the crew that comes in in the morning can go ahead and just take a ride over.

We're provides here, and he'll be able to explain things a little bit more in depth, okay?

Okay.

Oh, no, I'm prepared.

I just didn't know if it was a train call.

I had to make sure that he wasn't going to hang up before I gave out my information to him.

Okay.

So the current problem is the number up on it.

Okay.

Are you still there?

Yeah, I'm still here.

What kind of problems is that we're dealing with?

I cannot believe this.

Let me catch you.

Are you there?

Put it six.

I am right there.

Six nuggets.

Ma'am, go ahead.

This is a conference call with headquarters.

Thank you for the conference call, what is going on?

We've been running into this problem all night.

You're the only person that's actually stayed on the phone.

What we need to implement is...

...female for...

So much work to do, I cannot believe it.

Ma'am, this is a real call.

Okay, we'll go ahead and put him on the phone.

He's not here, you guys have a good night.

I got people on the phone, so like...

It's easy to forget, this is hilarious, man.

We want it, we don't need it.

You listen to me.

What are you, a vampire?

You're a bum.

You know what, asshole?

Look, bitch.

Don't try and tell me that I owe you money.

I'm an attorney, ma'am.

I have gas.

Listen.

Well, you owe me $5 for breaking the toilet.

Breaking the toilet?

What toilet?

Tell me where rude is this?

The white toilet.

I told you already.

My name is Bo Steen.

I ain't tripping nothing because I didn't break nothing.

I don't use anybody's toilet.

You came down to use the toilet.

You took a big shit.

I took a big shit.

Yes.

Man, it wasn't me, pal.

It was not me.

You got the wrong guy.

Why don't you tell me, you know, be honest.

Sure.

The Russians are upset.

We're trying to keep them at peace, all right?

What did they do?

I need you to tell me everything.

I did not do anything.

Basically, what you're telling me...

I mean, we could set a war over that.

Oh, God.

Judges, I don't know what they're going to think, you know.

What did they do?

Am I in trouble?

Well, yes, son.

What did they do, sir?

You just violated international law.

I really don't know anything about that, sir.

Well, that's, well, ignorance of the law is no excuse.

I mean, what did I do?

We're all going to get our hand released.

Even with this king hell headache

Hit him with an anvil to trigger a scandal

If not just to get free press off the nigga channel

He only plays for high prices

And rates his hourly rate based on how nice he looks

There's a lot of unheard of you raps

You don't listen enough, see me pissing enough

Leave your yellow spots around your bed every year

Defecate around your head every year

Precise when I meet that ass and greet that ass

La Brea and what? Defecate at your apartment on Ponseria

I provide clothes for individuals that come in and buy them

Underslaved labor

No, I don't have any slave labor.

I don't have time for your bullshit.

You son of a bitch, you motherfucking...

I know you speak English, I see.

You motherfucking...

Go ahead, man.

You motherfucking...

You bitch.

Don't never...

I'm punching him out.

Don't ever call that baby bitch boring, man.

Mow my lawn.

You motherfucking...

Why are you so angry?

What's my squadron?

I'm gonna fuck you, man.

First of all...

Give me the room number and the last name I can call you.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you!

Fucking piece of shit!

No, you're not having no effect with me.

Yes, I am.

You're going to like it.

No, you're not.

You can go to hell, you damn Republican.

Who is this?

Bo Steen.

I don't give a damn.

I don't know Bo Steen.

Good boy.

I'm going to have sex with you.

Don't call me no boy.

I ain't no boy.

Go smell their panties while we talk to you.

Who the hell is this?

Who the fuck's laughing in the background?

Who is this?

Let me talk to your hot sister.

Fuck you.

If you call again, how old are you?

Thirteen.

Yeah, fucking right.

You sound like you're fucking eighteen or nineteen.

I'm thirteen, I said.

You are.

Just fuck.

Come on, let me talk to your sister, man.

Be a pal.

No.

Have you ever seen your sister naked?

No.

Well, fuck you.

Look, fuck, man.

Fuck you.

I'm not on my fucking street, you fucking fat ass.

I fucking broke my fucking car.

Yeah, that's right.

Look, man, I don't know what you be talking about.

Oh, I know what I'm talking about, because I fucking recognize your goddamn number.

Okay, look, I'm innocent.

Hello.

Aloha.

Yeah, how you guys doing, man?

I'm staying in Honolulu, you know what I'm saying?

Yes, sir.

And I like chicken.

Yes, sir.

Yes.

Can you bring me some chicken?

Oh, I cannot bring you chicken.

What the fuck?

A to the K, yo.

I know, but we don't have a delivery.

Can you dip a wing in your pocket and run it up to me?

Yeah, but I'm only one over here.

I cannot drop a ticket on you.

We will give you a couple hundred dollars, though.

Even though, guys.

Tell me you take motherfuckers.

You are pussy, motherfucker.

Are you asking me out?

Just come over here.

Are you asking me out?

Hey, just talk to me.

Tell me about it.

Tell me, tell me.

Oh, okay, motherfucker.

Do you know who you daddy?

No.

Do you know how many guys fuck your mom before you came?

No.

Oh, that's good.

Go ask her how many guys fuck her before you came.

Are you happy now?

Yeah, yeah.

That's good.

Are you happy?

I'm happy, yeah, with your mom.

Yeah.

Fuck your mom.

Yeah, I'm happy.

Calls (16, 1 h 15 min of 2 h 2 min)

Transcript

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