Best of part 1

Hey. What's up, everybody? How y'all doing? Let me get my microphone. My music is fun. I always do this. What's up? Well, good. Okay, what's up, everybody? You're listening to The Madhouse. It's 9.55 p.m. We're starting, I don't know, whatever. At least we started before 10 o'clock. Right, Athena? Geez, you're not in agreement.

I'm all by myself, Andy is incognito, I can't get a hold of him, so he's not in the studio today, unfortunately, but we do have Athena in the green couch, in the green room, in the green room on the green couch, next to me, to my left, and then Milkman is just finally signing in to Gizmo, let's connect him in, because he took his time, we made us all wait, we should all make him wait, hurry up Milkman,

I love it when he's on at the start of the show.

He starts straight into everything.

He's not going to pick up.

Come on, David.

All right, well, I'm on the way for him to give me the word that he's ready to go.

Maybe his mic isn't hooked up or something.

But anyway, so, yeah, you're listening to the Madhouse PCU Radio, kdkprankcalls.com.

Again, the homepage for PCU Radio is kdkprankcalls.com.

That is the official home to Prank Call Underground Radio.

Is that what it is?

I'm really high right now, and I think I might have said...

Did I say the right thing, Athena?

Is it Prank Cult?

Yeah, it is.

I'm so disrespectful to KDK.

Prank Cult Underground Radio.

You can visit the Madhouse homepage at madhouselive.com.

Again, madhouselive.com.

Yeah, I've had an interesting week.

Of course, Thanksgiving.

We talked last Thanksgiving.

That was a really bad show.

It was okay.

I suppose that was okay.

But, yeah, that was an odd show last Thursday, right?

It was late night.

I was kind of tired.

have been running around all over Orlando that night, Christ, anyway, so, their collapse

is going, okay, well, hopefully we'll get Milkman on anyway, speaking of which, in the

chat room, I want to give a shout out to everybody who's joined us there tonight, we have Carlito

Mija, imagine that, KDK's in the chat room, he's away, but he's probably listening, he

might be, I don't know, he's cleaning, or cooking, or playing, I don't, what is he playing

now, Diablo 2, I'm asking people, I usually have Andy and Milkman here, and I'm trying

trying to run to that at least milkman usually is good to say something milkman get your ass on

gizmo there i said it hurry up faltering here anyway what was i talking about last week is

that what i was talking about no i was talking about the chat room yeah giving a shout out to

everybody of course we have uh neos in the chat room the chat nazi uh monitoring things keeping

everything under control uh madman uh who comes through with good numbers and actually runs our

chat server uh the irc uh which we are so gracious graciously allowed to have our chat room on and

that's at uh irc.lazy-net.de again um for uh chatting purposes you can go to irc.lazy-net.de

de as in delta echo as in i guess it's german it's deutschland so that's that right there uh

Also, if you don't have IRC, if you don't have Merck, if you don't know how to use an IRC program or would rather use Java for whatever reason, it's absolutely free.

You can join the chat room, such as Athena, who's in there right now.

My girlfriend Athena's in there.

You want to go to kdkprankcalls.com.

Again, that's K-D-K as in kill, death, kill, prankcalls.com.

And click on the chat link at the top of the page, and you'll be able to join us in Java chat.

Yeah, this is what we do every Thursday night about this time, more or less.

Sometime before 10 o'clock usually

I do a show

I do mostly prank calls

I interject sometimes

I throw my own brand of comedy and humor

And anger

We take your calls here of course live

Toll free you can reach us at

1-888-278-8509

Again if you'd like to call in the show

Toll free be here on the air with me

You can do a prank call if you want

You can just talk about whatever's going on

PCU drama it's all good

You can call 1-888-278-8509

That's a free call to you

And it's an expensive call to me

Look at that

Some little bitch

I don't know how I want to do this again

Andrea, Andrea

And that's how it's done

Is calling you on the line

Should I just ignore it or pick it up?

Yeah, pick it up

Really?

Yeah, pick it up, sure

If you have to go, you have to go

Hold on, hold on

Hold on, I'll link it in

Okay, cool

Alright, right ahead of us

I was turning on the line

What's the matter?

You're not feeling good?

I'm not

Why are you upset, baby?

Work last night for the first day after over a month, you know?

Right.

And I took a bunch of pills because I was really nervous and I didn't eat.

And I put cocaine inside vitamin tablets with ice and ate them.

And I did a lot of cocaine and I drank a lot of tequila.

And I ended up going into a VIP room with this guy that was going to stay all night and spend a lot of money, right?

Yeah.

And when I get there, I puke.

Oh, my God.

I threw up.

And it was okay.

It was okay that he wanted me there.

He didn't care about me puking.

But the foreman and the waitress and everybody were like, okay.

And then it's still by.

And I fucking puke again.

This time I puke everywhere.

And they came and got me and they said I could be in there even though he wanted me because I was sick.

And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

um i make you know i well i make 100 bucks i guess i'm like i want my fucking money and they're like

you're on drink restriction for 12 years i'm like motherfucker fucking quit i'm fucking going off

you know i'm pissed you know me i ain't having it and they're like no you're not gonna quit

because you know they don't want me to quit i make a lot of fucking money in that club

and they're like no but i've been like drinking a lot though i'm not gonna lie i know i have and

i know they're worried about me because i'm fucking out of control and i'm like bitch to

my house mom i'm like you fucking listen to me you can take me and put me on fucking drink

restriction but you know what the fuck i'm gonna do go get a lot of fucking drugs and probably

I'll be overdosed if I can kill myself.

Oh, no.

If you want that, bitch, he's like, you know, because really, I'm not lying to you.

I have been depressed and close to suicidal, okay, but I didn't do it.

But I am not going to lie to you.

Last night came a second from ending my life.

Hello, ma'am?

Hey.

Oh, my God.

Hello, ma'am.

Oh, my God.

A second from ending my life.

Can she hear me?

Can you hear me?

Zola, can this lady hear me?

Hello?

Why is everybody quiet?

Quiet. Talk. I command you to talk.

Stop pushing it around.

What the hell?

Stop pushing it around.

Now everybody's gone.

What the hell was I all about? I wanted to talk to Andrea for the first time.

I never talked to Andrea. I was trying to find out.

The minute I talk, everybody hangs up.

Maybe he got disconnected.

Whatever.

He probably wasn't ready to do it three-way by three-way.

I got lost in a trance. I was like, what did she say?

What was that? What did she say? What? That was really fucked up.

What did she say?

I threw up, I threw up, I was invited into a VIP room, and they gave me a bunch of, okay,

and I threw up, but he said it was okay, because he wanted me there, but I said, bitch, he

said, you don't want me to leave.

I don't know, whatever, hey, Milkman, you're, people are saying your audio's really bad

tonight, man, I'm sorry, we're gonna, yeah, it is, it is bad, I'm sorry, it's a bad night.

Hey, we gotta do prank calls, man, it's 10.30, shit, we've been out for 45 minutes.

Okay, I want you to see the card they gave you.

You sent me?

And I'm going to prize numbers here, okay?

You can break it in, what kind of treat we're getting here.

Okay, so you have international numbers tonight, right?

I have a lot.

Okay, good.

I'm talking thousands.

But they're residences, right?

Yes.

Okay, well, look.

And they're actually usually receptive to calling.

These are telemarketed numbers, so these are usually donors.

Okay, okay.

Okay, well, hey, all right, look, dude, get that to me.

I'm going to do a call in the meantime while we get that set up, okay?

All right, I'll send it to you on Gizmo.

I mean, yeah, at the Google Talk.

Yeah, okay, all right there.

Well, hang on, let me look at this.

What am I going to call?

Godfather's Pizza, I got El Gaucho, Steak and Hoey Shop,

Calamity James Hamburgers, Hot Pie Recording Studio, Bedrock Recording Studio.

Man, I wish I had a number for Reckless.

But I call him and ask him, what the hell?

He's gone, man.

KDK said, look, he didn't show for a month, man.

I mean, it was a month.

I mean, four weeks when we lost him.

Yeah, Zolar's saying, are we not on?

I'm going to say to Zolar real quick, no, sir, we lost you when I started talking to India.

Yeah, we lost Zolar.

He didn't know.

I guess he's been talking to her this whole time and we missed the whole thing.

Yeah, he can call back in.

That's good.

Yeah, he can call back in.

Hang on.

Now he can call back in.

Anyway, we lost.

Oh, you know, we probably had him on the line that whole time.

Shit.

Okay.

Well, anyway, like I said, you give that to me,

and I'm going to call the Got Curry Indian Restaurant, eh?

How's that sound?

Mighty sporty?

Yeah.

Great.

Okay.

Don't feel bad.

Are you okay?

I mean, don't feel bad that I said that your audio sucks.

No, no, I'm okay.

I'm okay.

I'm not coming on and saying as much because I don't want to sound crappy,

so I'll just send you the numbers and kind of hang out.

You're coming in great now, though.

You see, it comes and goes.

Don't worry about it.

It'll even out.

Don't worry.

It'll even out.

I'm listening to myself, okay?

Listen, I can hear myself on the stream.

It sounds great on the stream.

I don't know what's going on, but I can hear myself on the stream.

All right, well, then we're okay then.

Don't worry about it.

You're talking about Hot Live Recording Studios, and I hear my voice.

Okay.

All right, well, just...

Okay.

I'm just going to send the names and the numbers, okay?

Okay, you do that.

All right.

I'm going to milk my little egg right now.

All right.

D Beer.

I see that here.

Okay, that's a name?

Last name Beer?

Yeah.

All right.

Yeah.

Now, what's the card that I'm using for this?

You can use a regular card.

Try it.

I went down and I spoke with the people where I bought them from,

and they said the regular card I gave you works.

It'll just take more minutes.

But I've got two other international cards here if that doesn't work.

All right.

Well, let me do it already.

Let's call D Beer in the U.K., I'm assuming.

I don't know who, where this is.

Yeah, okay, it's Saltash.

Yeah, let me look at the town, too.

sawtash sawtash sawtash uk is nunu still in the chat room jesus christ no this ain't this ain't

from nunu man we got a new source and we got a new source man it's courtesy of amd our local

telemarketer there in the uk man i've got street address i'm gonna send to if you want it i see

what's going on he he's he's getting people from work all right we'll keep that quiet i got the

freaking list man we'll keep that quiet we'll keep we we don't let's not say who it is nothing

I don't know who it is.

This came to me anonymously.

We need to come up with a name for this source for the U.K. numbers.

That's all we have to do.

AMD?

No, Sir AMD or something like that.

I don't know.

Sir something.

We'll start it with Sir.

Sir whatever.

Anyway, yeah, yeah, Sir.

I don't know.

Whatever.

So our U.K. friend is sending it in.

That's awesome.

Okay.

In the meantime, yeah, we lost Zolar, unfortunately.

Sorry about that.

Oh, Zolar.

Neo is sending me a lot of numbers here.

Got some 7-Eleven, some Quickstops.

We've got some Irish pubs in California, Indian restaurants, a Save Mart, Targets in San Jose, California.

What's up?

What a good one.

What did you find?

BJ English.

Oh, Jesus.

Yeah, if Nude is in the chatroom, let us know where Saltash Grenfell Gardens is.

Let me try to copy this.

Nude, what did you see in the chatroom now?

Try to translate this for me.

No, not that.

Holy shit, wrong one.

That's the street address.

address.

Grenfell Gardens

will be the

street address.

Saltash will be

the town.

Okay, alright.

Then I've got

postal codes and

all that, but you

don't need that.

You'll just want

the phone number.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, anyway,

let's do a call.

KDK says that

Andrea is so small

she probably has

a ginormous

horse pussy.

That's so

fucking wrong.

Oh my god.

Leave it to KDK.

Leave it to KDK

to just make us

laugh.

That was great.

Alright, we'll

be right back.

Oh lord.

We'll be right back.

Hang on everybody.

Hang on.

Hey.

Yeah.

International, it's 011, right?

I forgot to do the little prefix shit.

Yeah.

011 and then, do I have the country code?

No, I don't.

I don't know, man.

Dude, I don't make international calls.

We're going to have to fly by our seat on this one.

Yeah, we need a, you can't call, see, Nunu's saying that we can't call people's houses in the UK this time.

I'll take that bet.

Watch this.

Well, we need the country code for that place.

Nunu, hurry up.

Damn you.

I know you know this.

Jesus.

Okay, but I don't know if that's included in the number.

PM has, because I'm not in there.

No, I'm sure it's not.

If it came from our source, he probably didn't put that in there.

So what the hell is it?

Maybe Nunu has it.

Hang on.

Okay, well, there's country codes for UK.

So that's what I'm asking Nunu.

No, I got the log.

Hey, I got the log from two weeks ago.

Nunu says 4-4 is in place of the zero.

Yeah, so it would be, yeah, the country code is 4-4.

Okay, that brings you in the London area, 4-4.

Yeah, so 0-1-1-4-4 and then the number you gave me.

I got it.

Okay.

All right, let's try it.

Let's try it again.

Hang on, everybody.

It's actually picking up.

Picking it up.

Know what I mean?

Like it's saying it's not.

I'm actually entering 0-1-1-4-4 and then the number.

And as I'm saying, it's recognizing I'm doing an international call.

But anyway, do you have.

All right.

I've got a different card I'm sending out.

Let's try the card, too.

All right.

And I'll give you a different number.

Yeah.

The one that really worked was the one we had from fucking...

Walmart, and I don't have one.

I've got one here.

It's 500 minutes to Europe.

Okay, that's great.

That works.

Okay, so here it comes.

Watch here.

All right, here we go.

Bear with us, everybody.

B.J. English, that's so...

B.J. English, what kind of place is Saltash to live in?

Saltash.

I don't know.

B.J. English is pretty salty there.

It's like salt ash.

Yeah, the ash is salty.

Nunu is saying that salt ash is in the extreme southwest of the UK,

a very nice part of the country, he says.

Oh, well, what?

I have money, so.

Sure, yeah.

Okay, well.

This is a madhouse.

Okay.

And Nunu is saying I don't want the zero.

Put 4-4 in place of the zero.

Hmm, smoker.

Nah, okay.

Let's try that.

Thank you.

All right, let's try it again.

Hang on, we'll get this right.

Man, that's enough of that fucking song anyway.

Anyway, God damn it.

I like the guitar in it.

It was nice.

Yeah, exactly.

Interesting, huh?

All right, let me try a local call here first.

Let's try to do something.

Shit.

All right, go ahead and bring one up, and I'm going to send you some more numbers.

Noonoo, try and help us out here, brother.

We need your help here.

Yeah, exactly.

All right.

Yeah, exactly.

I've done it before.

Shit.

Anyway, we'll be right back.

Let's try to call something more local here, like 500 miles away.

Hello, how you doing?

Hello sir.

One second please.

Okay.

Thank you.

Meet you in English.

Cha cha ole.

Gotta give some shit.

I command you to return to the phone.

Damn it.

I could really have an emergency.

Look man, they can hear you.

Return the call.

You can't.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

I didn't think you could.

Hello.

Yeah.

What's the big idea?

Excuse me?

What's the big idea?

I'm hungry and I gotta eat.

What are you doing back there?

Bien.

Bien?

Si.

Como estas?

Muy bien.

Very good?

Very good.

Okay, you're on my radio show, okay?

Sir, I'm thinking of a word.

Milkman, come up with a word for me, please.

What?

Hang on.

Espera un momento.

Si.

¿Cuál es?

I'm sorry.

What is it, Milkman?

No, Milkman, give me a word of something that he'd have in the restaurant.

Hurry.

Okay.

Come on.

Give me one second, please.

A vizuela.

Somebody with a speak English.

Okay, avanza.

A vizuela.

The word is jalapeno.

I'm going to see if they will say the word jalapeño without me saying the word jalapeño.

Hello?

Yes, I have a question.

Yes, sir.

What do you put in your spicy food over there to make it so spicy?

When the customer wants something spicy, we put some jalapeños fresh.

Oh, my goodness.

Did you say jalapeño?

Uh-huh.

Did you say jalapeño?

Uh-huh.

Oh, my God!

Hey!

Feliz Año Nuevo!

contest man uh-huh yes do you know what you win no you win a green card for anybody in your family

representation from manuel and gonzalez attorneys at law in immigration in los angeles california

really you win man it's good milkman i do i have milkman tell them what else they want oh man i have

I have my green card ready, but anyway, I'm going to invite you another friend.

Yeah, hey, hey, escucha, escucha.

Okay, tell them what else they want.

The large case of abizuela con arroz.

Yeah, abizuela con arroz.

Okay.

Can I talk to management, please?

The management?

Yes.

I am the manager.

Can I talk to the American manager, please?

We don't have any American manager.

Can I talk to the owner?

I am the owner.

You are the owner?

What is your name?

My name is Francisco Diaz.

My friend, Francisco cannot be the name of an owner of a business that's successful, man.

What do you mean?

What do you really sell there, huh?

What is that, a front?

Uh-huh.

Do you have the manteca?

You know manteca?

Is that what you do there?

What are you looking for, man?

You know what?

I'm looking for manteca, man.

Manteca?

Yeah, you know what manteca is?

Okay, man.

I have a couple customers waiting for my service, okay?

Can I talk to the customer?

No.

Do you use manteca over there in your food?

No, we don't.

You can tell me manteca, man.

Okay, I'll tell you later, man.

Will you say manteca?

Queremos maricachapa.

Yes, queremos.

Okay, thank you very much.

La hierba.

How much is your, do you have tilapia?

Manteca is heroin.

Manteca is slang in Spanish for heroin, actually.

Oh, okay.

But it also means lard.

Fat.

So I was asking him if he had LARD, which is a code word for heroin.

Okay, I didn't know it was heroin.

I knew it was fat.

So we call men taquita here.

It's fat girl.

Yeah, so they want a free I&S lawyer representation, immigration lawyer representation.

I need to do that more often from now on.

The secret word.

Anyway, yeah, see.

That was great.

All right, well, hey, okay.

Okay, so we got an update on calling international numbers.

Is that correct?

I see here, yeah.

Tuck is coming in.

He's saying 014444 and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

That's more like it, huh?

Okay, that sounds better.

It's three digits.

Yeah, 0144444.

Okay, well, let's try that, hey?

All right.

All right, so we're going to call.

Let's concentrate in order.

We'll do DBier.

Okay.

Whatever the first name is, I don't know.

Oh, Jesus, God.

I hope this works.

Hang on.

Let's try this again.

Got a good last name.

Yeah, well.

It's an interesting last name for sure.

What are they going to do?

Drag me from the United States all the way to London to try me?

What the?

Let it go on, man.

Who cares?

Fuck London.

Fuck London, fuck Britain.

I'm kidding.

Damn it.

I thought I had it.

I got it to go through, but shit.

If some cheap ass can call that number and find out, I don't know where to get Dallas.

Exactly.

We'll put you on the call.

Okay.

Well, hey, Bellard in the chat room is sending me a link for someone named Brian who lives

in Virginia.

Affirm.

What the hell am I going to talk to him about?

Yeah, man.

Well, you know, they forgot, man.

West Virginia didn't become West Virginia until after they broke off from Virginia.

Exactly.

Very good.

Very good observation, Milkman.

Yes, sir.

I used to hunt up in West Virginia, man.

I got a lot of babies over in West Virginia.

Corbin paid the hunts.

That's what they do in West Virginia.

Okay.

Well, that's where you're from, apparently.

Now, the mystery is...

Not too soft.

From there.

Oh, hey, I got to do another call.

People get pissed.

Let's do one of Estimated Profits.

I like that song.

Yeah, it is a good song.

Hey, you're coming in great now, by the way.

Very good work from you.

Good work.

I told you not to worry.

Don't feel down.

You.

You, man.

Yeah.

All right, well, let's try this dude, Joey.

The Estimated Profit told me that I should prank

because they play a lot of video games

and they're little bitches, he says.

So, well, I've got plenty of material there.

On this one.

Is that real?

We'll be right back.

Hang on.

Nope, man.

why is jay to kiss as hard as it gets why don't you tell us about your your day today milkman

to the background of this reason today was a wonderful day we had a light breeze about 15

miles an hour beautiful sunshine approximately 86 degrees the water was a crystal clear blue

and very nice bathtub warm no one could have come down and take a little swim

Joey, Joey, something, man.

What?

Come over here and scratch my cousin's video games all up, huh?

Who?

Hey, Joey.

Who?

You, Joey, man. You, Joey.

Who you?

Me? Well, don't you worry about who I am.

My son, you came over to his house, and you scratched up all his DVD games.

Scratched up all whose DVD games?

My cousin.

Cousin who?

Sean.

Sean?

That's right.

Sean who?

Look, don't fuck around with me.

You need to come down here and you better fix these games, yeah?

Where you at?

Right down here at the Taco Bell.

The Taco Bell?

Yeah.

Who are you?

I told you, I'm Sean's cousin.

Sean who?

I don't need to be telling you a people's last name on the phone.

Hello?

Please enter your destination.

I really wish I had his last name, motherfucker.

Damn it.

Sean, how pretty you are.

Yeah, you got to give me a last...

If you're going to give me a number to call, god damn it, you got to give me a last number.

Shit.

We need to have a little more basic info, please.

See how it works.

A little basic info, like text, maybe girlfriend's name.

Something to give us to work on.

If you want to send a number, preferably confirm.

Please try to confirm.

If you can't, whatever.

I'm not like...

KDK has a strict must-be-confirmed thing.

I do a judgment call based on the way the person sent it to me is

and what their history is like.

you know anyway so um please try to confirm it make sure they're answering if not then at least

i need the number of course with an area code of course uh preferably i need i need i need the city

and state and the full name first and last name it always it always is very helpful to get all

that information male and female that kind of thing age anything to help well hang on sir

the cell phone too i think i need to ask you a question there's a young man here who apparently

was playing around with the phone and there are several people calling back now very upset we have

you down as the last dialed number sir were you were here at the school at the children's school

were you uh harassed just now by anybody yeah somebody just made some prank calls and wasting

my minutes oh jesus christ so what can we do for you how can we make this go away nothing

doesn't mind me i'm just gonna block the number and not answer the phone from this how about some

anal sex will that work will that make you happy are you more of a topper about them i don't even

know who the hell this is i'm about to call the cops call the cops not a problem for me my name

is glenn zolarson whatever kid kid i'm ordering you into your destination number

whatever kid i can't call him back i wish

The Devil Come Back

Or Joop or something

Cause

I got the last name

For the guy Joey

And it'd be good

To have someone

Say they're my kid

Trying to say that

Their name got

Bricked up

Go on the next one man

Call one of Neo's

Members

Yeah

Well we lost a dead

Anyway

Who's

He got flaked out

On us or something

Happened

I don't know

Someone just

Let's get some

Of our other callers in

Yeah someone just

Neil

Give a phone call

Somebody's calling

You're

You're in a bad house.

Hey, can we do a quick...

I got an idea.

That guy Joey I called earlier, you know what I'm talking about?

Some kid that scratched up the game.

I got his last name.

It's Caldale.

C-A-U-D-A-L-E.

Caldale?

Yeah, so you're going to be my kid,

and you're just going to be saying that he messed up one of your games.

I don't know he scratched up your your your game for your for your Gamecube or something, but you got a promise no crying

Okay, don't don't make like you're crying. Just just sound legitimately upset. Okay. All right. Can we do a quick quickie after this?

Yes, we can. We'll go we'll take a break and we'll have you know, we'll have phone time. Yes, okay

Hot fucking phone. Okay. Yeah. Okay. All right. I told you not on the air

hang on

fuck that guy sometimes man

he's all dirty

fuck man I command you to fuck

what the hell what's going on

if you try again

have two dollars

twenty four cents

please enter your destination number

your balance will allow you to talk

for three hours

forty four minutes

twenty nine seconds

yes I do

Joke on Ben, they don't take my son's game, my son's computer game, and scratch it man, you know how much it'll cost?

PS, out of your mouth.

$49.

PS2, you're saying my cousin scratched your PS2 game?

Fuckin' asshole, he's been over my fuckin' house.

Come to my fuckin' house and stop callin' me fuckin' New York, dumbass.

We are in New York, and you know what, we'll be down there in a second if you want us to be.

Yeah, you'll be down here in a second, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's right, watch, I call your number, it tells me I enter a fuckin' access code.

Hey, hey, you cock.

What are you calling? You don't need to be putting in the access code on your cell phone. You don't want to do that, okay?

You see, when I call it, it don't...

It didn't block my number, right? I'm sorry. If you're getting, you're getting the New York number, the one that starts with a seven?

Yeah.

Oh, jeez. Look, I'm sorry, man. Look, man.

Who the fuck is it?

I'm sorry, man. Please don't, don't, don't tell my parents about this, okay?

Who the fuck is it?

This is me. It's, I'm, I'm...

Who the fuck's me?

I'm, I'm a friend of, of, of, you know, of Joe.

You're a friend of yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know?

know? Yeah, my name's Ben. Your name's Ben? Yeah. Really, where do you live at, huh? We're

here in Wayne. You live in Wayne? Yeah. Really? Yeah, man. What part of Wayne? The good part,

over there, you know, South Park. The good part? Why don't you come to Bendick Street

right now? Come to do what with your dick now, what? Come to Bendick Street right now,

motherfucker, if you got balls, come down my fucking street right now. Bendick Street?

Come down my fucking street, you fucking badass that fucking broke my fucking car.

Yeah, that's right.

Look, man, I don't know what you be talking about.

Oh, I know what I'm talking about because I fucking recognize your goddamn number.

Okay, look, I sat on the car.

Because you called my cell phone because you wanted to do a trade on an amp

and my shit got broken throwing on my fucking car.

No, I don't know.

And we fucking stopped you and my fucking CD player was in your fucking dashboard.

I don't know what you're talking about, man.

I don't know.

Well, if you pull mine, call the fucking Bendix.

I'm innocent.

You innocent.

I'm innocent.

You innocent.

Eyes don't see nothin', sir.

Alright, what street you at? I'll come to your fuckin' house.

Where do you live at? Bent Dick Street?

I live right off fuckin' Annapolis.

Annapolis?

Yeah.

The fuck is that?

You say you from Wayne and you don't know where fuckin' Annapolis is?

Oh, Annapolis. Yeah, I know where Annapolis is. You said Napolis.

Where is Annapolis?

Over there. Over there by Wayne. Northeast, southwest of there.

Northeast, southwest of there? Dude, you ain't even from fuckin' Wayne.

Yes, I am, man. Wayne till I die. Go to Wayne High School.

Wait until you die?

Wait until I die.

You sound like a Belleville faggot to me.

Belleville?

How'd you know?

You could tell on my voice?

Yeah, you sound like a little fucking faggot.

So what happened to your car now?

My car?

What the fuck do you think happened?

Why don't you come try to steal shit out of my car again so I fucking kill you?

I didn't do anything to you.

Yeah, that's right.

You're fucking scared to come back, by the way.

I am.

Look, how'd you know it was me?

Look, you got my number now.

I mean, please.

Yeah, I got your number when I called this fucking block.

Well, then what's it got to do with me?

What's it got to do with me?

You got a problem with your phone.

That's all it is.

I'm in New York.

I'm going to pay for them.

You ain't in fucking New York.

I am.

Then why the fuck are you calling a cell phone?

I'm not calling a cell phone.

This is a cell phone.

Yeah, this is a fucking cell phone.

Oh, great.

Yeah.

Now the fuck you know my cousin's name?

He's my boy.

So you're from New York, and my cousin's your boy?

Word.

Me and Joey, man.

Me and Joey till I die.

See, you ain't even from fucking New York.

He's my BFF.

You ain't even from fucking New York.

Yes, I am.

You're from New York.

What the hell are you talking about?

Yo, you.

Yo, that's right. You know where I'm at. I'm at fucking Wayne on Bendix Street.

Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here.

Fuck you, nigger. I'm on my street. See if you keep talking shit.

What did you say? What did you say to me?

I said, fuck you, nigger. Calm down my fucking street.

Hey, look, motherfucker. Look, my mama black.

Your mama black? Well, good. Fuck you, nigger.

Fuck you, nigger.

I'm not fat, though.

Fuck you, nigger.

You're a son of a bitch.

Nigger.

You're a son of a bitch.

Fucking nigger.

Kiss my ass, honky crack ass crack a motherfucker.

Yeah, I'm glad to be a fucking honky.

Fuck you, nigger.

I'm not on fucking streets so you can fuck up my curb.

Fuck you, nigger.

Exactly, you're a little bit toxic.

Fuck you, nigger.

You're a crack ass bitch.

Where do you want to meet?

You from Wayne?

I told you I was damn...

Wayne, man.

Wayne.

Wayne Michigan.

Wayne.

Wayne Michigan.

Wayne.

What high school do you go to?

What's it got to do?

What's it got to do with me?

What do you want to know it for?

Just tell me what high school you want to go to.

That's none of your business.

Because you ain't here from here.

Yes, I am.

There's one high school here.

What the fuck's it called?

I don't need to tell you shit.

Because you ain't from here.

Look, I work at the county airport.

You work at the county airport?

Yeah.

Can I tell you something?

There ain't no fucking county airport.

Yes, there is, man.

What's it called?

Wayne County Airport.

Wayne County Airport?

Yeah.

You know, every day...

There ain't no Wayne County Airport.

Every day I take the Detroit-Windsor Tunnel to over the Ambassador Bridge, downriver, and over there at the airport.

Really?

Well, you're from Wayne.

You know where Miss Gav is?

Yeah.

You know where Wayne Road and Miss Gav is?

No.

Should I?

You know where Wayne Road and Miss Gav is?

Who is...

Hello.

Sir?

Hello?

Sir.

Sir?

What?

Sir.

What?

Hello, sir.

You're from fucking Wayne.

Yes, I'm from Wayne.

All right.

Well, fucking...

Why don't you get in your little fucking car?

I don't have time for that right now.

Because you're fucking stupid.

I don't have time for that right now.

You don't got time for that right now.

Why?

You're fucking everybody's dick.

I'm busy.

You're busy.

Yeah, you know, me and you, we met back in Wheel Fest.

Wheel Fest?

Yeah, you know, Wheel Fest.

And Wayne.

Yes.

When did we meet?

I think it was the last Wheel Fest.

Last year.

I didn't go to no Wheel Fest last year.

Well, didn't your friend used to work at the Ford factory?

Ford factory?

Yeah, where they make the expeditions.

He plays EverQuest.

Oh, yeah, that's him, dude.

That's him.

I just met that boy two days ago.

Well, he's talking some shit about you.

He said that, you know, he said some shit.

I don't know.

I don't want to hurt your feelings or nothing, but...

That motherfucker's 39 years old, Blake.

He's going to talk shit about me?

He's talking mad shit about you, man.

No, you're the one that's talking mad shit, you little bitch.

You got it all twisted.

I'm all twisted, dude.

I'm fucking sitting outside right now waiting for you to fucking come down here.

I forgot how to get there.

You ain't never going to figure out how to get here.

It's all right.

You tell me now.

Tell me now.

Harry, you don't even know where fucking Wayne Road is.

Tell me now.

You don't even know where it is.

I command you to tell me now.

You go Michigan to Wayne Road.

Michigan, hang on, I'm writing it down.

Michigan to Wayne Road?

Yeah, Wayne Road.

Hurry up.

Then you head towards Annapolis.

Right.

And as soon as you get to Annapolis, you make a right.

You take that all the way down to a dirt road.

You make a left.

And then you make a right on the first street.

It's called fucking Bendick.

Bendick.

Yup.

Bendick.

Just like that.

Yup.

Oh, you little bitch.

So wait, now, I'm trying to figure out...

You little bitch, you're wasting my fucking time.

Throw some balls, come down, come down, if not, shut the fuck up.

How do I get there from Cherry Hill Road?

Please enter your destination number now.

Right when I figured out, right when I got the map to come up of Wayne.

I live on Bendick Road.

What are you, was it Bendick, Bluntick?

I don't know, what the fuck.

That's a gay ass...

Bendick.

That's gotta be the gay part.

My dick got bent.

That's gotta be the gay part of Wayne.

Wayne, Michigan.

I'm a fucking mad dickhead.

And there is.

I'm looking at all the Detroit Metropolitan Airports right there.

Is there a city named Romulus out there?

Jesus.

Romulus?

What high school did you go to?

I quit that.

I killed a principal.

Exactly.

Don't piss me off.

Anyway, guess what, Mugman?

It's that time.

All right.

It's that time.

Take a piss.

Yeah, exactly.

I got to go.

I got to do stuff.

So anyway, what else is going on?

A toll-free line?

We haven't had a caller.

Have we had a caller?

I just, man, my Trillion just went down, so.

Oh, you're a bitch.

Anyway, I just want to give a quick shout-out to my girl, Ellie.

We love you, baby.

Call in.

What?

Am I ending the show?

I want to give a shout-out.

I lost my Trillion, man, so just give a shout-out to my baby, Ellie.

Give us a call.

We love you.

Yes.

Ellie.

Who?

Ellie?

Yeah.

Is she in the chat room?

I don't know.

I lost my Trillion, man.

I went down.

Oh, is she in the chat room?

I'm sure she's out there listening.

Yay.

Time to call in.

Right.

All right, Neo sent me numbers, too.

I got a call.

Okay, we're going to get to some of Neo's numbers.

Yay!

I got a number from Pumpkin Pete inside the chat room, okay?

It's a name for some late Mitzi Welton.

The premise, she was a supply teacher back in the day, and probably still is.

She was a massive bitch sack.

Call her up, and as a kid, she traumatized her to the point of not being able to get an erection.

Call her on Neo's number.

I guarantee you we'll get some scandal out of it.

Okay, yeah, exactly.

She's very tumultuous with her calls, her numbers that she gets.

Okay.

Anyway, so we're going to take a break real quick, a musical interlude,

and we'll come back with more of your calls and more prank calls and more talk and more shit.

We'll probably do another hour, hour and a half, maybe.

I don't know.

It depends how the show goes.

Everybody take your pants down.

Exactly.

If we do a better job coming up now, then we'll do it longer.

Give us some damn good numbers, man.

We'll roll with this thing.

We have a lot of good numbers.

I'm just not calling.

I'm not paying attention, so shit.

It's my fault, man.

We had a bunch of them kind of flake out there, though, man.

Yeah, I guess so.

Well, whatever.

Okay, we'll be right back.

We'll be right back after this, everybody.

You're listening to The Madhouse on PCU Radio.

Right after Take the Pants Off, Carlito is back.

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him.

The Madhouse is on PCU.

I hear that whistle blowing.

Thank you for coming with us.

It's now 11.38 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

It's still Thursday.

It is not the weekend yet, but we're almost there.

We always celebrate the weekend here, don't we, Milkman?

Yeah, baby.

We like to bring it in right here in the madhouse, you piece of you.

Milkman, what does the weekend mean?

The weekend, man, is time to kick off, man.

Make my roll up by the beach, man.

Grill me out some steaks, man.

You know, just go off and take my winter swim.

All right, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

That sounds nice.

I love the calls when I call in on Christmas out at the beach.

Oh, yeah, I got to call my whole family, everybody in my family.

Hey, man, the beach is nice.

And they're like, I don't know about it.

He lives in Detroit, right?

Yeah, he lives in Detroit.

Detroit, as I like to call it.

He was telling me during that call with the guy in Michigan

that I should tell him to meet him at Garden City and that he was going to meet him.

I think DTT was going to kill him for me.

I kill him for you, man.

Anyway, DTT...

Run over him with your rest of your feet, kid.

Exactly.

Well, DTT, give us a call here on the show if you want, man.

You can reach us...

Let me put my bowl on.

In the chat room, and I'll post this also,

you can reach us toll-free, 1-888-278-8509.

Again, that's 1-888-278-8509.

That's the same number for the hotline for our girl, Ellie.

Ellie, you should call in now.

She changed.

Yeah, the one time she tried to call in,

I had really bad phone trouble with that.

Yeah, that night.

Right, right.

The dead is complaining that I hung up on him three times.

That was a mistake, man.

I'm sorry.

Well, it happens, man.

It happens.

I'm a dumbass.

Sorry.

Yeah, sorry.

All right.

Sorry, Charlie.

Really good shot, man.

Yeah, exactly.

What time is it in Britain yet?

It's so British.

Right now, it's 4.30 a.m.

I can get people there at 5 a.m. maybe to pick up.

Some people are starting to wake up.

Hell, they'll be starting to get up for breakfast.

For tea.

Now, I got, before my trillion crashed, I got a message from Lonesome Loser on exactly how to do it from a private message.

You ought to check to see if you got one.

Right.

I tried to send it to you, but my trillion crashed.

The trillion crashed.

So I couldn't send it.

Who did this now?

I'm sorry, what?

Lonesome Loser gave an instruction on exactly how to dial.

Okay.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then ask some calls.

Lonesome did?

All right, let me check that out.

Let me check that out.

Yeah, check and see if it's in PM.

I got it in PM, but, man, you know, I'm not able to get trillion back.

Um, shit, I think I must have lost it.

Someone has sent it to me.

All right, let's try an international call again.

He gave me the Abbey Hotel in Bath, UK.

Okay.

We got to do some research on Bath, UK real quick.

I don't have British music, dude.

I don't know.

How do you get British music?

What's British?

Beatles, Stones.

Oh, yes.

Beatles.

Hell, anything from about the early, mid-60s to 70s, man, was all British.

All right.

Led Zeppelin.

I got a little Hey Jude.

There we go.

British enough.

Oasis, right?

Isn't that...

Yeah, that's...

Alright, hang on.

Don't...

Yeah, yeah.

Be right back.

Your current balance will allow you to talk for...

1 hour, 39 minutes, 9 seconds.

Hey, yes, yes, yes, yes.

The death hour.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Good morning.

What the hell's going on down there?

I don't know.

Well, hey, we had success.

So that's the format right there.

0-1-1-4-4 and then...

And then, fuck.

And then the city code, which for Bath is one, two.

I'm missing city codes is what it is, dude.

Okay.

Yeah, we're so close.

We're so there.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

All right.

I will get this researched, man.

I will definitely do it.

But I don't know.

Like I said, I don't know all the city codes.

And there's like four of them, okay?

Dude, look here.

Just find me the city code for Grenfell Gardens.

No, no, for Saltash.

Find me the city code for Saltash.

I had two numbers for me from Saltash.

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. That's why I was hoping I could get the city codes,

because there's only four of them in the UK that I know of.

Yeah.

That's why I was hoping you needed to help me out here.

City code is Saltash.

Okay, try the London code.

It's 441.

No, Saltash.

He said it's south, London south.

London south, okay, well, all right, all right.

Fine, fine.

He said far southeast.

Stop yelling at me.

Hang on, all right, we'll try it again.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Hello, hello. Watch this. Figure it out. I'm going to drop the zero that you're listening to me and put in zero.

Zero one one four four.

Do you like some croppets?

Hello.

Hello. Residence?

No, no.

Who the devil is this then?

This is a private house.

Oh yeah? A private house? With whom do I have the honor of speaking, madam?

This is the United States of America.

Oh, America. All right. Thank you.

How are you doing?

Okay.

good let me ask you a question

you guys wouldn't be thinking about

pulling out of Iraq early would you be

because that would really suck

oops

I guess it'll

push your dicks

the minute they hear

Iraq they're like oop I'm not listening

because I think they all hate it over there

but they're afraid

they're afraid to tell

push your dicks

I wonder what the consent

aren't they more against the war

over there dude they are way way way worse man those suckers on that old package right here in

the u.s man well i read today that they're freaking getting slaughtered dude i read today

that japan uh two countries are pulling out uh all their troops i think right now they said the

it uh if the pullout occurs there will be a 50 reduction in the number of non-american

soldiers on the ground

in Iraq.

Well, it doesn't matter

because all ours are going to get blowed to hell

away soon if they're running out.

I don't know. We don't want to talk like that.

How much target practice can you have?

Let's not talk like that. Now, come on. Be nice.

I mean, we want to wish our troops the best, man.

I don't have no problem

with our troops. I feel

a lot of sorrow for them.

Are you an American?

They're under arms. They're not protected.

They're getting a screw job.

I mean, I love our troops.

Are you un-American?

I just don't think that the commander-in-chief knows what the hell he's doing,

and he's really thinking about the troops.

Thinking about his fucking wallet.

You're un-American, man.

That's all I got to say.

Hey, I got a message from Neo.

Neo, why don't you give us a call in?

Give her the 800 number.

She wants to gizmo you.

Oh, okay.

Oh, that's right.

Yeah, but we got you on here now.

Hang on.

Where is Neo?

I had her up here.

She knows the toll-free line.

She uses that weird phone card, doesn't it?

See, I cannot get back into her right now to answer her, so I would, but my trillium's just shot.

Well, I gave her the toll-free line she should call in, and we can do one of her numbers.

Because I haven't got to hit those yet, I'm sorry.

Okay, I'm finally getting her one up now.

Hey, I'm going to send you a conversation here.

Please don't talk about this on the air, but I want you to see this urgently.

Of course not.

Read this here on the Google.

You see that guy?

It hasn't showed up yet.

Let me see.

Let me scroll down.

On Google, man.

Check your Google.

Okay.

No, I don't got it yet.

Not yet.

Are you on Google right now, man?

Yes, I am.

I sent you a message there.

Here, I'll send you a message here.

Hello.

All right, I'll send that again then.

There you go.

Did you get that?

Nope.

No?

Nah, nah.

You're a fucking liar, dude.

All right.

Let me get you on Gizmo.

Hang on.

Yeah.

So the toll-free line again is...

That's the...

Okay.

Anyway, Neo, if you want to call in or anybody wants to call in, please do so now.

Also, I forgot to say...

You need to call now!

I wanted to say that if...

I can't believe I haven't done this until now.

If you want to reach me via AOL Instant Messenger, that is Madhouse Radio.

Again, that's Madhouse Radio.

Madhouse Radio also works for Google Talk.

That's Madhouse Radio.

MadhousePCURadio is our link to you on Yahoo Instant Messenger.

And MadhousePCURadio at MSN.com is the...

No, at Hotmail.com.

MadhousePCURadio at Hotmail.

Fuck, I don't remember what it is.

I don't have anybody on there.

I forgot.

Is it MSN?

Hang on.

I'll tell you in a second.

Dude, you never have your MSN on.

I don't...

Yeah, I always...

It goes down a lot.

The only one you ever have on is AIM.

Really?

In Yahoo.

No kidding.

I could have sworn I did.

You never have your MSN on?

No, it's not even connected.

That's why.

I think that's what's going on.

I don't know.

Whatever.

So forget it.

I don't even know what it is.

Yeah.

A lot of international people on there since we're going international now.

Yeah, that's how you can reach me via those instant messaging options.

Get a hold of us here at the show.

Send in your numbers, which I got a lot of people coming through.

Let me do a sweep through AOL and Trillian here and see what I got.

Joey Caudale. We already did that.

Thank you, Estimated Profit. That was

a good number. That was pretty interesting. We got two calls

out. You have the NEO numbers

handy? NEO numbers handy.

I can get them.

Hang on. Let's see what NEO is. She's sending me something now.

Okay. NEO's going to call in toll-free, she says.

Excellent. Great. Yay.

There it is. Look at that. Speak of the devil. Hang on.

Yeah. She's going to have to send

me those numbers again, though. Okay.

This is not her. She doesn't live in California, does she?

Yeah. I just gave

I just gave her up and she did it.

That's all right. It's on the website.

Good evening. You're in the madhouse.

Hey.

Hey, what's up, Big Katie? How you doing, man?

I'm fabulous. Is everybody still on the line?

No.

We lost him.

Yeah, we lost him.

Okay, well, hopefully Frank Masters is listening because I heard him threaten to sue me.

Exactly. Yeah, we need to talk about it.

When he says he's going to sue PCU, he's saying he's going to sue me because I own PCU.

Okay.

So I'd like to remind him that there ain't nothing to sue for.

There's nothing to get and no lawyer is going to take that case when there's nothing to get.

Are you going to sue for my cats?

Fifty percent of zero is still zero.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to say that, bro.

He can sue me for my old VHS tapes.

He can sue me for, I don't know, I don't have anything. I rent, I got a couch.

I got a couch that's mine that I bought.

I love those threats.

You know, my greatest defense in the world is that I have nothing to sue for.

That's why I love it when Milkman, when he says he's going to sue PCU,

Milkman says immediately, get in line.

Exactly.

Like there's a bunch of people who are in line to sue us.

I'm sure Long Dong will be the first in line right there for KDK.

Who will?

PCU, who?

He gets in line.

That's awesome, man.

So how are you doing with the editing?

Which two calls did you find tonight that you posted or whatever?

I posted two of your calls that I found on the hard drive.

One was called Tech Man, and one was one that I isolated from one of your first appearances on my show

so early that I was even getting your name wrong.

I was calling you by your real name.

I wasn't even calling you Carlito yet.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, gotcha.

There's one where you called up Maria or Maria's dad, and I called it you put your fingers up your ass.

I did that?

Really?

I remember that call.

I think you were really fucked up because you were really fired up and just wanted to piss the guy off right off the bat.

Oh, cool.

It was a pretty funny call.

I remember that call.

He called you Carlos, I think.

If you wanted to play those, you could go to the site and play those.

Oh, hell yeah.

They're up and they're working right now.

They're under the Carlito link.

Is that where they're at?

Right.

If there's any other Carlito pranks that you want me to put in there, let me know,

and I'll put those up there, too.

Okay, yeah, you can link, yeah, either that or you could put a link to mine.

I need a link better to your page.

I want to ask you real quick.

I don't know if I should talk about this on the air,

but I asked Ted about you getting PCRadio.com back,

and he seemed to be okay with it.

I don't know if you had heard about that.

I haven't brought it up with him because it's kind of a touchy subject.

Yeah, let's not talk about it.

Doing that would be immeasurably helpful to us.

Well, he says he won't squat.

I asked him.

I should not have asked him, probably.

I just want to let you know, hey.

He said that he was going to either expire or he wanted to transfer.

Exactly.

I got you.

All right.

Well, cool.

Hey, would you like to do a call or are you off tonight?

Yeah.

Yeah, let's do some credits.

Let's call somebody.

Who we got?

Let me go into what I got here.

I got a Reese's Monkey for sale.

Uh, that's one.

That came in from today.

He loves the monkey calls.

Oh, also, I have an update.

I'm done building the secondary site for kdkprankcalls.com.

Oh, cool.

You know, I tried to do a secondary site, and it didn't work, and it fell miserably,

so I gave up, and I put the old one back up.

I figured I'll just clean it up.

I don't know.

I was trying to do some PHP stuff, but you know me.

I'm really not that good at doing stuff.

Um, anyway, uh, it's, um, we can hook you up with England also if you want.

We've got a bunch of confirmed numbers in.

Well, no, England is like 1, 2, 3, 4, 39 in the morning right now, so they're not picking up.

Oh, these are confirmed.

Lonesome has to start up.

It's 639.

Oh, really?

Yeah, and it's 639.

Yeah, you never know.

Those people here.

Oh, go for it.

They're always really polite.

They never want to be rude to people.

Okay, well, we got P.J. Cox, A.S. Pussy, and A. Dick, all in England.

Oh, we also have J. Gordon Cumming.

That isn't a name of a politician.

What kind of person is it, though?

The name doesn't matter so much as the type of person that answers.

Here's what Lonesome has.

British woman answered 11.53 p.m.

For all of them?

Yeah.

I got old British guy answered 11.22.

Old British guy answered 11.19.

British woman answered 11.13.

Yeah, yeah, they're all confirmed.

Give me an old Brit.

An old Brit guy.

Want an old Brit guy or an old Brit woman?

Oh, no, I'll have his old Brit guys.

Yeah, I like the old people, so let's go for the old Brit guy.

So we got A. Dick or A.S. Pussy?

Give me Mr. Pussy

Well, P-U-S-E-Y

I guess that's Puse

I don't know

Good luck with that one

I called one and said that was the United States

It was kind of funny

She's a really polite old lady

That was kind of cool

All right, well, hang on the line.

They're always polite in England.

Exactly.

Well, they should be.

That's what's so much fun about them.

They're our friends, though.

They should be, right?

We never do them wrong.

Okay, hang on.

We'll be right back in a second, everybody.

We've got a guest caller, Katie K. on the line, and we'll be right back after this.

The tourist ballot will allow you to talk for one hour, twenty-six minutes, thirty-two seconds.

Do you think they'll understand Ms. Rosenthal?

I did it right.

Hello?

Is this Mr. Pussy?

Go on, get lost.

I'm not sure how to pronounce it, but I didn't want to be rude by saying pussy, because that's the American vernacular of China.

What did he say, get lost?

He said, go on, get lost. Like that.

Go on, get lost.

Get out of here, old bugger.

Call him back.

Hang on, let me try. Are you going to try him or A-Dick?

No, try the same guy again.

Okay, hang on, let's try this.

My grandfather called you a moment ago, and he said that you hung up on him very rudely.

Yes.

He says he's just trying to contact his old friend, Mr. Pussy, and...

There's no old friend, Mr. Pussy.

Huh?

It's his call at six in the morning.

Well, he's calling from America, so he probably doesn't realize what time it is.

It's only a little before one here, and you know how old people stay up late.

Well, I'm trying to go to sleep.

Goodbye.

Well, you can only take a moment.

I'm not interested.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

Well, he knows you.

Don't keep calling.

Marcus Thatcher.

Marcus Thatcher was a fan of that movie.

Good boy.

That's a classic.

Even that's a rude way, even that's a polite way to be rude.

I know.

Thank you.

Good boy.

Just stop it now, won't you, dear boy?

It's very tired, as you know.

We're trying to sleep here.

Oh, boy.

Obviously, I'm cool, but we're trying to sleep.

Do you want to try another one, or do you want to try an American one?

Sure.

Yeah.

Your call.

Potluck.

G. Gordon Cummings.

That's an American.

What was his name?

J. Gordon Cumming.

Is an American in England?

No, no, this is just, I'm saying we're going to see how they react to an American.

It was a woman who answered about an hour ago, so.

Okay.

Here we go.

Okay.

Hello.

How are you doing?

I'm calling from America.

Yes?

I'm sorry, I know it must be terribly late there, but I'm calling, it's only like quarter to one here in America.

And I don't know why I'm calling, I just had a lot to drink and I wanted to talk to somebody from the old country.

But I'm so sorry, he'll call me at 6 in the morning. Sorry.

Oh my, oh dear lord. Hello.

Hello.

Showdown, I'm gonna go.

No, okay, no, you did great.

I'm gonna keep on listening though.

Oh, that's great.

Good deal. Always good talking to you, KDK. Don't be a stranger.

Very nice line, man.

You got it, my niggas.

Alright, man. We'll check you out later.

Bye-bye.

Yeah!

He didn't bring the showdown at all. That was great. That was a good thing.

Hell no, man.

Dude, that person.

The Ph.D. at PCU.

Otherwise known as our Cerebro, the one and the only great sponsor, KCK.

Exactly.

It's been a great show so far.

And the good thing is I don't work until 9 o'clock now, so I can even say I'll be even later than normal.

Not too late.

Now it's time for us to start opening up these British numbers now.

We'll start coming up for the crumpets and team.

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

Milkman, let's see what's left on the last phone card.

I think I have like 30 minutes or so left on there, right?

This is about a dollar something left.

I just confirmed.

Oh, you did?

Okay, cool.

Well, we'll do that then.

How's that sound to you?

I've got a brand new one here ready to scratch for you right after this one's done.

Okay, cool.

So burn her up.

All right, let's burn this one up.

We'll be right back with the first call, international call, to Glasgow Scotland.

We'll be right back after this.

Yay!

Your heart can't disguise the love I'm saying so much more.

Where am I talking?

Your current balance will allow you to talk for one hour, two minutes, twenty seconds.

How long?

Thank you for calling us, the government.

We open 24 hours a day, seven days a week for your convenience.

Press 1 for clothing and footwear.

Press 2 for music and video

Or hold for operator assistance

Thank you

Good morning, how are you going?

Good morning, how are you there, Dinosaur?

Good

Wonderful, how are you, sir?

Good morning

Yes, how are you?

Hey, let me ask you a question

How do I get to that Walmart over there?

Hey, by plane

It was so funny

I'm in Glasgow right now visiting here

We've been looking at these damn gay castles you have here

I don't know what the hell that's all about

But I only shop at Walmart

I only shop at American places

You know what I mean?

Hold on, I'm not drunk.

Hey, can I smoke in your store?

No.

What do you mean I can't?

Isn't it Scotland?

Can't you do whatever you want?

No, sorry, you can't.

What is this, America or something?

No, no.

What's so funny about America?

Sorry?

What's so funny?

You tell me.

You tell me, I'll push you around.

Jean?

No.

What kind of cuts of steak you got there?

Sorry?

What kind of cuts of steak?

Cuts of steak there.

What do you got?

Plain.

Plain beef.

Plain.

What's your name?

I.

Because I need to know.

I.

Because I'm allowed by law, American law, to write down your name at any time.

You're not an American now, you're in Britain.

Well, I'm not, how do you mean I'm not? I'm an American citizen, I'm in the embassy, that's America.

Well, you come to your house, then you're in Britain.

Hey, this is Scotland, I thought.

Sorry?

Scotland?

This is Scotland.

No, Britain. Remember the Great Britain?

I don't know what you're saying, you're speaking that English.

British Empire.

I can't understand you.

Uh-huh, okay.

Do you have someone who speaks English there?

Sorry?

Do you have someone who speaks English there?

No.

Can you turn the music down in the background?

No.

Do you have any country music?

Country music.

Country?

No.

Do you play golf?

Sometimes.

Do you eat haggis?

Yes.

What is haggis again?

Is it like tripe?

What is it?

Sheep balls?

Yeah.

A shite.

Yeah?

A shite?

Shite?

What's all that shite about?

What's shite?

What's that all about?

I don't like your attitude.

Can you put me with a man over there?

No.

There's no man in here.

Do you have any haggis here that I can buy?

Frozen haggis?

The choir.

You found someone who speaks English?

No, there's a woman here that speaks English.

And he speaks to an American or speaks English or something, you know?

An American?

Yeah.

No.

You're going to the wrong place.

Are there any black people there?

Black people?

No.

Well, I'm black.

Is that going to be a problem if I come in there?

No.

What is your golf handicap?

Sorry?

What is your golf handicap?

18.

18?

Yes.

Let me talk to that person.

Sorry?

Do you know what we say about women who play golf here in the States?

No, I'm sure you're telling me.

You sure?

They're of the other persuasion.

They're kind of lesbian, you know?

Dykes.

You know what a dyke is?

Dyke.

I don't know what you just said, but it sounds like you did.

Yeah.

Shave your vagina.

Short hair?

Great.

Short?

Shorty.

Short hairs?

Huh.

Hello.

Preseljian.

Hello.

Can I speak to the person who's laughing in the background, please?

Short hair?

Oh, my God.

No one's laughing.

Let me talk to the other person, please.

No one here.

I heard people talking.

No, no.

Can I talk to the manager?

No.

What are you doing?

I'm the manager.

What's that noise?

Sorry?

The noise.

I just answered here.

Oh my God.

Are you going to trace me?

Yes.

Can I have your social security number, please?

No.

What's your social security number?

Yes, I sure do.

You damn Scot.

Scots are a bunch of drunks.

The Scottish, they kill Jesus, you know.

Here we go.

All right.

Okay.

Here we go.

I'm actually getting quite bored with the conversation now.

Why don't you get the phone to someone else?

Your destination number now.

How do I tell these people?

God damn, they got some strong-ass accents there, man.

Jesus.

Oh, I know what you're trying to say, man.

I was trying to send you a message on Google, but I don't think you was catching me.

Yeah, I was trying.

I did the whole golf and the handicap thing and everything like that, but yeah.

I was thinking about a promo with the planning.

Yeah, well, I wasn't going to promo with her, huh?

Do you think they see black people in Scotland and stuff?

Like, you know what?

I have a friend who's Scottish.

like he came from there well no he's not i don't know i don't keep in touch with him now but when

i was younger uh in high school he said that the the his his little brother the first time they

came to america was the first time they saw a black person in the airport and he started running

he started no lie he started running away because he thought it was the devil i'm not trying to be

racist or nothing but he said it was his first time seeing a black it was a black lady an old

black lady and and he thought it was a devil he started running away like he ran away he ran ran

Ran, ran, and his family was like, what's wrong?

He's like, it's the devil.

The devil is there.

The devil, like that.

Yeah, he didn't know.

He didn't know.

Unless I'd ever been to London.

I guess not.

Well, there's a lot of blacks in London, right?

Yeah.

That's what Nunu's saying.

They all live in London.

Well, that's crazy.

London.

Nunu says it's too cold in Scotland.

It's too cold.

If there's one thing...

Don't call back.

If there's two things black people don't like, it's the cold and swimming.

Is that right, Athena?

Athena, and mayonnaise.

That's three right there.

That's the truth.

She's no manager either.

I can tell she's fucking around with me.

So anyway, that's that, everybody.

Thank you for that.

Thank you, Nunu, who provided that number to us.

Nunu, big Nunu.

Nunu says that store is in the roughest part of Glasgow there is.

How rough does it get in Glasgow, though?

Seriously.

Oh, holy shit.

If they're dealing hags over there, man, look at me.

I don't know, man.

I mean, seriously, I don't know.

That's some nasty stuff, brother.

Is that the whole train spotting kind of thing?

Is that what he's trying to get at?

I thought that was over with and stuff.

I mean, isn't that like a fad that was over?

I guess you're still into it over there.

Heroin, man, is serious business, man.

It's big business still, man, is what I hear.

That's what you hear.

I didn't even know that they even sell that crap around here.

I didn't even find out until I found out a guy where I work at got in trouble and busted for it.

Really?

Wow.

Oh, God, you can get anything in the Caribbean, I'm sure.

It's a lot more expensive over there, I know that.

I know weed's a lot more expensive in Puerto Rico.

I know that one.

Yeah, because my cousin, he's, I don't know, he's got issues,

but he was telling me that, like, over there, like in Puerto Rico,

weed is actually, I thought it'd be cheaper because, you know,

it comes through the Caribbean, you know, a lot of times.

And he told me, no, he said, like, they'll ship it through the Caribbean

and then it'll get to its final destination in the States

and then from there it'll get shipped back to wherever, whatever point in the Caribbean.

I don't know where the heck he's up to, man, because, hell, I live right over by Mary Jane Mountain.

Yeah, Mary Jane Mountain, huh?

Right around the corner.

I'm about less than four or five miles away.

Yeah?

What's up with that?

Man, you just, whenever you go by there and you see the little old granny sitting out by the side of the road,

just keep right on going.

Don't turn up that block, man, because granny's got Jethro and the rest of them on up there in the yonder hills.

Well, she's selling weed?

Oh, ladies?

No, no, no.

Granny did watch you sitting over there on a jug of seeds.

Oh, okay.

Well, hell.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Okay, Milkman, whatever you say there, Chief.

He sat on a damn jug of seeds.

With a little smile.

Yeah.

Well, Reeple in the chatroom was saying if he saw a green person, he wouldn't think it's a devil.

I don't know.

I guess Reeple's black or something.

I didn't mean to offend anybody.

I like black people.

I like them a lot.

Nah, nah, man.

Anyway, well.

My Negro.

Yeah.

We love black people.

Well, man, I love black people here.

Exactly.

We like it.

We got a ton of them here, man.

I got quite a good bunch of friends, man, that black, man, you know.

Just happen to be that black.

I couldn't care less.

Yeah, exactly, exactly.

Hello?

Chin-Chi?

Hello?

What's speaking?

Chin-Chi there?

Huh?

What's speaking?

Is he speaking?

Who, who?

What do you?

You come down to the restaurant?

Where?

Over here?

Where that's done?

Where, where?

Nine Dragons?

Where?

Where is it?

You order delivery?

I need gate code to get in for delivery.

No delivery.

Listen, listen.

No, sir.

No.

Lost one.

Okay?

No number.

You order something from takeaway.

You order something from Miss Takeaway.

Miss Takeaway?

7203.

No, no, no.

It's a house.

What's the number?

It's the wrong number.

What's the number?

It's your number.

Order.

I don't order something food.

You don't order food?

No, no, no.

What's your food?

What kind of food?

The Chinese food.

No.

Oh, forget it.

Come on over.

Huh?

Yeah.

You.

I don't order that food.

Sorry.

Long number.

Huh?

007.

You better pay for this food.

Huh?

You better pay for this food.

This is the third time you order the General Tso chicken and all this $52 worth of food.

You're not going to pay for it?

No.

I know all this.

So, so.

Oh, yeah.

You know long number.

Long number.

What's your name?

Chang Chee Loon

No

Chang Chee Loon, number 12, number 69, number 22, number 5

Ready?

No

Come get it. Get food now

Excuse me?

Get food now

Where?

Where are you? China Dragon? Brooklyn? Here?

No, I'm not

I'm not ordering something. So sorry

I'm going to call the police

I think you know no number please that's for you $52 this week you made a

big order and you didn't come get it and all the food went to waste

where did you order what did you order you made an order last week all this food and no one

came to pick it up and it sat here stayed open till midnight

excuse me I'm not here I said go to working now only go home now

Wow.

Just only the feeling of my job and working in a restaurant, you know?

Huh?

I work in a tiny restaurant.

That's nice, honey.

What do you do in the restaurant?

In North Orleans, I eat the food.

I eat the dinner, go home.

I don't order you food.

You eat long number, I think so.

I eat the dinner, I go home, you call the long number, I think so.

What's your name?

Is it the name of the boy, you?

Yes.

Where is it?

Manhattan?

Or was it Berlin?

Or was it where?

Somebody order. I mean, over here. What's the telephone number, please?

Where?

Because I asked another people. I don't order your food. I said go home now.

You want me to give you the proof?

Oh, you don't want the proof now, huh?

I just finished this. You understand me?

I'm not going to go home until you pay.

Bob, you ordered the food.

Jesus Christ, it's about fucking time.

Goddamn.

I didn't understand half that damn conversation.

What the hell are you talking about?

I can't even hear you.

She said she works in a Chinese restaurant.

I don't order your food.

I eat when I go home.

She doesn't have to order.

I'm going to save that one.

That's funny.

It's called a long number.

Long number.

And now we know she works in a Chinese restaurant, too.

We just need to figure out the name of the restaurant and fuck with her.

Yeah, I'm going to tell her that I'm from the health inspector or something next week.

We're going to do something on Thursday.

We're going to save that one.

That's a keeper right there, buddy.

All right, cool.

All right, man.

That was pretty good, Brandon.

Thanks for sending that up.

We had a great time with that, man.

All right, man.

And we'll catch you on Thursday, hopefully, man.

Good looking out.

And, yeah, have a good night, man.

Peace out, baby.

Vegas.

Yes, sir.

That's right, everybody.

I want to thank everybody.

We went two weeks without anybody calling in the show, literally.

And then now, this is great.

I love it when people call.

I love putting, you know, the madhouse thing here that we do.

Yeah, I do calls.

I do things.

I like to entertain.

chain but i'm more about getting y'all to do call you know what i mean like not to be lazy and shit

but i'm a lazy guy but i like to give this is the madhouse i see it as it's this show is an

opportunity for everybody else there to get involved you know what i mean like you know

zolar does his show and yeah he takes calls unless people do prank calls but i'm more about the

interaction and letting people say their piece and doing their own calls and even if they're not that

good i hey you know what i give i give you your shot and everything and whatever i'm trying to

to say is this is all about you over here in the madhouse frank is in the girls like what are you

talking like that yeah it's the one that has good morning customer services all right how you doing

customer services yes yeah who's speaking uh well look i represent um the uh the estate of uh jerry

springer yes we're calling here from the states very late over there and that uh you have a

problem with our dvds that were recently we just released do you understand you're under obligation

to sell that right now i'm not honestly aware of any problems officially the only thing i could

suggest is that you write to our head office hey we don't we have laws against that here in the

united states we don't start writing stuff we get instant gratification you know what that means

yes yes i think i can work out what that means but owning a random branch of sainsbury's on the

outside you get somebody in and ask them to give them the first statement i'm not gonna happen

Do you need to get a translator to speak? Do you not have someone that speaks English?

Yes, I do.

Instead of unifying the company statement, what was I supposed to do with it?

I'd like to know your character.

Are you right, Fred? My religion and I have absolutely nothing whatsoever.

Yeah, you're Catholic.

Catholic.

Neil Simpson.

They're the Catholics, I thought.

It couldn't be untrue.

Well, they have, um...

They're both there.

No, but the Northern Irish are like...

They have the military Catholics, right?

Can't be.

Yeah, no.

Because they're all those priests are Catholics.

But listen, um...

Northern Ireland is a good part of Ireland.

and that's where the English moved

their settlers.

So it's Protestant.

And that's where all the fighting is

because the Catholics who stayed

are like the underclass now.

Oh, okay.

I thought it was the British versus the...

Kind of like your people in our country.

That's not true.

So we'd be the British.

We'd be the same people in this situation.

Is that what you're trying to say?

You know, the Spanish were here first.

You are in Florida.

You know, that's a Spanish word.

It doesn't mean anything.

It doesn't mean anything, yeah.

I'm sorry.

I'm not trying to be mean.

I don't really...

I don't know, man.

I wish there were less Hispanics here in Florida.

And I'm Hispanic.

And it's like, God, they just give us such a bad...

What is it, Athena?

You told me what?

A Hispanic person raped someone?

Two women?

A Cuban.

It was a Cuban.

Raped two women here in Orlando.

He left his phone number on there.

He put their cell phone number into their cell phones so they could call them.

And that's how they caught him.

Yeah, because they called him and they told him that they wanted to hook up again.

And he came back and the police were waiting for him.

And it was a female officer, I guess, that called, right?

And then they set up a meeting at a hotel.

No, just at the apartment complex.

At the apartment complex.

How stupid do you have to be?

Okay, so I'm going to rape a woman and say, yo, I'm going to leave you my number.

Give me your cell phone and program.

And actually really program his cell phone number into her cell phone.

Yeah.

And expect that they will call back for more, like they want to be raped again.

Yeah, he entered under, he entered rapist.

Wow.

Rapist.

Yeah.

I don't even remember my name, so I'm under as rapist.

He's Johnny Trece.

You know where that's from?

No.

Conair.

That Mexican serial rapist.

and he said his name

was Johnny Tracy

Tracy meaning 13

and he

they named him that

because he had

13 women

you never remember that

yeah I remember

Connor

I just don't remember

a little specifically

Danny Trejo

that was the actor

oh okay

alright that's true

he dies in every movie

he does yeah

didn't Dave Chappelle

get thrown from a plane

in that movie too

didn't he start a fire

he had like a condom

full of gasoline

that he swallowed

yeah Dave Chappelle

I don't remember him

being in there either

they wrote a note on him

and threw it out the window

threw it out the plane

I think

I think that's what

happened in that movie

I think yeah

I think Dave Chappelle

ended up getting

anything thrown out anyway okay so this position tells me that the uh the guy who plays guitar

his name is chris okay good and he answered so okay i wonder where tequila boss bar is though

shit i can find that out don't you worry about that sir i know i know i'm probably bothering

you by asking you for these little details like this but let me go to the old white pages here

and i'm gonna look up i don't care you get that to me anyway california has confirmed roscoe's

House of Chicken and Waffles

There you go

Alright

Yeah

He's from California

I don't know where that is

But that's like

Two great foods

Chicken and waffles

Yeah I like both those

Black people mix those up though

You know a lot

They're

Yeah

You never heard of chicken and waffles

No they mix it together

Yeah they do

I don't know

I don't think

I don't think that's appetizing

We should call them now

So they actually do that

Up north they do that

Like your waffle has chicken in it

Or

Like is it

Uh huh

They make chicken

We're grabbing the porn top

What about syrup

Is there any syrup

Wait a minute, so...

Yeah?

You'd like it.

Really?

So, the extra waffles with gravy on top?

Or is it little small pieces of chicken?

Small pieces of chicken?

Oh, no.

I don't like that texture.

Chicken gravy.

Chicken, gravy, and waffles.

Why not a pancake?

Yeah.

They don't do pancakes up north.

There are more waffle people up there, right?

I think.

That's not what I heard.

I think pancakes are more southern, right?

Oh, no, we got hoecakes or something.

Now, grits.

That's a southern thing, right?

There's no grits up north, right, Athena?

Yeah.

Not popular

Like if you eat that

They'll beat you up

When you leave the restaurant

Yeah well they know

You're probably a

You love

You love the South

Yeah you're a Sylvan

It's damn right

Like what's up

Yeah

When you come down here

You order chicken and waffles

They'll probably think

You're a Yankee

Chicken and waffles

Sounds pretty nasty

Yeah

I mean there's some people

Who hate Yankees down here

God I know that

You ever heard

You ever hear people

Talking bad about like Yankees

No

Like they hate people

From New York

You know

Well yeah

Everybody hates people

From New York

They call them Yankees

And they can't drive

And stuff

I hear that all the time

Yeah

Yeah, fuck Florida, anyway.

Fuck my apartment complex.

Yeah, so, let's do another number.

Let's do that.

Well, I'm trying to find out where the fuck they're from.

Hang on.

I had to put their number here, and I forgot.

Reverse phone.

There we go.

they're in la so yeah roscoe's house of chicken and waffles why

not okay well should i do a black voice no because they're gonna know i don't know like do they have

syrup there all right what kind of syrup they got chicken syrup yeah i don't know am i doing a

chicken gravy all right well i have some ideas i could do all right well we'll be right back after

this coming right up with a call to roscoe's house of chicken and waffles in la uh it's 10 39 and

you're listening to the madhouse on bc radio little chat samuel shat hey how you doing fine

hey did i just called did you hang up on me was that an accident or like what happened um no the

phone i don't know something was wrong with the phone i couldn't hear you because that that cost

It cost me 35 cents, you know.

Well, I'm sorry.

I couldn't hear you.

Okay.

Well, hey, let me ask you a question.

You got chicken and waffles there?

Uh-huh.

How do you make chicken and waffles exactly?

How do what?

What's it like?

Like, what, how do you, how do you make the chicken on the, what is it with?

You put gravy, you put syrup, or what do you do on it?

You can put whatever you want on it.

Whatever you want to do.

All right.

What do you got?

Can I put, like, hot sauce on it?

Yeah.

Hot sauce there?

Yeah.

Do you have crystal hot sauce, or what do you got there?

Louisiana hot sauce or Tabasco sauce?

Like Tabasco brand Tabasco sauce?

Yes.

You don't have any Crystal there?

No, not that I know of.

What's your favorite hot sauce?

Huh?

What's your favorite hot sauce?

What's your most popular one there?

Your favorite one.

Um, the Louisiana hot sauce, I guess.

You like that instead of the...

Yeah.

Is there someone there who might know about hot sauce that I can talk to?

Um, just to say.

Who are you speaking with?

No, I'm speaking with...

Find someone who knows about hot sauce.

What do you want to know about hot sauce?

It's hot.

And it's a sauce.

What's your favorite hot sauce?

Uh, it depends on which one I like. Neither, man. I got older. I don't use it too much.

Well, I like Red Rooster to Baskin. Don't make a difference.

No.

Maybe that's why the L.A. thing. I don't know if you got any questions.

No. We don't have it.

What would you...

It's all right. It's all right. No. It's all right. No, man. I'm working right now.

What's the question? How can I help you, my man?

You're talking about what kind of hot sauce you got there and how you make chicken.

Well, if you could help me.

We have Red Rooster to Baskin sauce, okay?

Louisiana.

There you go. Louisiana Red Rooster.

How do you make your waffles, your chicken and waffles?

We cook it in a cellar.

I can't give you ingredients, which you would, I mean, you know.

Like a whole chicken breast between two waffles, like a waffle?

No, it's how you order.

If you order chicken and waffles, you're going to get chicken,

and then you're going to get a waffle like a sandwich?

I want it to be like that, yeah.

Order a number 13, and you can make it like that yourself, okay?

We're going to give you a breast and a waffle.

Yeah, a breast and a waffle.

Hey, dude, come on, man.

You need to come down here and see a menu, okay?

I'm not going to do no phone quiz, all right?

It don't matter.

Bye.

Thank you.

What is there, buddy?

Chicken and waffles.

The great mystery continues.

I need to get a black person to explain chicken and waffles to me.

Because now I'm intrigued.

I wonder if it's any good.

But it's not even like a southern black.

I've never heard anything about it.

It must be like a west coast.

Yeah, I guess so.

I've seen it here.

I drove, you know, we're in Sanford.

I drove by somewhere and it said...

You can tell Carly doesn't like food.

You can hear it anyway.

Oh, yeah.

I do like food.

I am portly.

I would say that.

I would describe myself more than portly.

But we'll be nice and say portly

Anyway

What's weird

Don't

Australians

They actually eat kangaroos

Don't they

Is that true

What

I've heard that

Australians actually do eat

Kangaroo meat

Ever heard about that

No

I've heard about that

They eat it like

That's like cannibalism

Yeah I guess

I don't know

They breed with those animals

Why would they eat it too

That's like eating a bald eagle

Yeah

They have sex with kangaroos

All the time

And then they go and eat it too

That's disgusting

Well Nunu tells me

As to the previous call

Before the last one

Um

Asking about the whole

Catholic thing

Is about as controversial

As you can be there

Yeah so that kind of

Makes sense

Yeah like it's funny

Because like

No matter where you go

People will find a reason

To hate some other group

Yeah

Like you know

They're all

They're pretty much

The same people by now

It's been like 200 years

Yeah so they just

Want to hate

Oh man

Those Catholics

Tear me up

I don't want to go

Hit them with a brick

Yeah well

So you just

They just pretty much

Want to hate

You know what I mean

They're trying to find

A reason to hate

I guess

Yeah you know

And they don't

Yeah

They believe that the Protestants get preferential treatment from the English government.

Really?

Yes.

Well, that would make sense, because they're all Protestant, right?

Yeah, but they don't really care about that shit anymore.

Anyway.

This physician says he's half black, so I guess you're better.

What does he know about chicken and waffles?

Yeah, if you're half black, call in.

888-278-8509.

I'm sure...

I love Tabasco, too, and I'm not any part black.

Yeah, well...

I put hot sauce on everything I eat, pretty much.

Yeah.

Have you ever put hot sauce on popcorn?

I went through your face when I did that.

No, I've never done that.

But it waters down your popcorn.

I don't eat popcorn.

Once I got braces in when I was a child.

Oh, okay.

So, you wouldn't.

Okay, I gotcha.

Well, Nunu says that he doesn't want Northern Ireland anyway, so, okay.

Whatever.

Now, Northern Ireland is officially part of Britain, right?

But they want to break off?

Is that the story?

Yeah, they should.

They should just let them go and do whatever they want.

Okay, alright.

Well, let's do a dispositions call.

call uh his number to a dude named chris in arizona who plays the guitar and he's i guess

he plays at some bar somewhere called tequila bobs and i guess i'm one of the impressions i

have to make him think that i'm offering him something uh i thought someone was calling

finally but if you did want to call it's 1-888-278-8509 we'll be right back after this

Sing on, please.

Your current balance will allow you to talk for 7 hours, 50, 2 minutes, 20, 9 seconds.

Speak with Chris, please.

Yeah, Chris, I'm here.

How are you doing?

My name is Jack Valente.

I'm calling you from, well, let me just say my clients are very interested.

We saw you at Tequila Bob's about a few weeks ago.

I guess it was your last gig there.

Did we have the correct Chris?

What, was I in a band?

Yeah, you play the guitar, right?

Yeah.

Okay, well, you were spotted by a gentleman affiliated with Garth Brooks.

He's a scout for Garth Brooks, as a matter of fact.

And he happened to be in Arizona.

And in transit, he decided to stop into Tequila Bob's with a few family friends.

And as a matter of fact, Bob, I want to tell you, Tequila Bob, the owner, is actually a good friend of his.

Regardless, Chris, we saw you playing, and Garth Brooks is actually looking for a new guitarist for his tour.

One of the guitarists he has, a background guitarist, actually is going into rehab right now.

I don't know if you heard about it.

It was on CMT tonight, and we're looking for somebody to audition,

if you're available to break free for the weekend, possibly.

We'd be willing to fly you out here.

Yeah, the Oklahoma City, here in Oklahoma, Garth Brooks is going to be renting out a whole floor at the Hilton,

and he's going to be trying to get a few people to do auditions.

And you were cited by one of his associates, one of his representatives.

He's pretty much a scout. He's got his own talent, Scout. He's trying to start a new label.

So if you're interested, we'd be willing to fly you in, sir.

I'd kind of be interested. I'd have to find out this week?

This weekend, this weekend.

Is this your number?

This is the main number.

I'd be willing to give you the toll-free number if you need to get a hold of me.

What's your name?

My name is Jack Valente.

Jack Valente.

Jack Valente?

Yeah, do you need me to spell that for you?

I can get it.

Okay, well, great.

I need to get a pen.

Look, we need to be quick here because I've got a few more people to call.

It's getting late, and I don't mean to keep your time.

But if you're interested in coming, I'd rather need to know soon

because I need to make all the reservations and everything.

Wait, what did you just say?

My phone cut off for a second.

Where would you be flying out of?

I need to know so we can start reservation processing.

Would you be flying out of Phoenix?

Probably Vegas.

Work on that.

Now, I need to know a few questions real quick now.

Can you tell me real quickly about your history with the guitar?

How long have you been playing?

What's going on?

I've been playing like eight years.

Eight years.

And you're how old now?

I'm 23.

Okay.

Now, would you be willing to undress from the waist up for Garth Brooks?

This is a joke thing, huh?

Just from the waist up.

Dress from the waist?

Look, between me and you, Garth Brooks has this thing.

He needs, um, when he auditions for his label, he needs people, he needs to see them from the waist up.

Uh, probably not.

This is a good joke, though.

No, seriously, this is not a joke.

This is a chance of a lifetime.

Uh-huh.

Are you a fan of Garth Brooks?

Yeah, but this is a big joke.

I would never, I would never put this upon anybody.

And I swear to God, if you tell any of the tabloids about this, I'd lose my job.

Let's just say that.

This is a good joke, man.

This is a good one.

So you're going to take your shirt off or not?

No.

Have you worked out or anything?

No.

Is it good?

You have a good night, sir.

I'll be calling you back.

Enter your destination number now.

That was that.

Any thoughts on that, Andy?

Um.

Should I give that applause or was that blah?

I don't know.

I don't really agree.

You just went to the sales page.

All right.

Yeah.

You jerked the hook too fast.

I did jerk.

I've been doing that a lot.

I do that a lot.

I've always done that a lot.

Well, anyway, California tells me that Roscoe's House of Chicken that we called earlier

specializes in chicken and waffles.

You can buy one or both.

They really don't be mixing that shit.

Oh, okay.

I see now.

Yeah.

When you're broke, you learn to eat all shit like fish and grits.

And then a full course meal in the hood is chicken cereal and a hot leg.

Chicken cereal?

Chicken cereal or chicken eggs.

Well, yeah, like every once in a while I'll have corn pops and I'll shred chicken on top of it.

That's good.

No, you don't.

Really?

Yes, I do.

I do it all the time.

Well, you know, you put corn flakes, ground up corn flakes on the chicken.

You fry it in that.

There's people who do that.

Yeah, I've heard about that.

That's crazy.

I know, yeah.

That's what terrorists do.

You know what my dad would do and always taste?

Speaking of terrorists, yeah.

Yeah, my dad.

He would take saltines and crush them.

And make bombs?

No, and make meatballs and bread them into saltines and then fry them.

Carlos, I threw a meatball at you.

Yeah, at my crotch.

Well, anyway, thank you, Disposition.

We tried to do something with that.

I guess I liked it.

Mad Men has sent me a number for Yen's Chinese and Carl Todberger,

as well as some guy named Will.

Well, where there's a will, there's a way.

How about we call one of Lonesome Losers' numbers here?

Samuel Shatt.

I mean, I just need foreign sounding ones.

Vernie Shatt.

That's funny, too.

Vernie Shatt, too.

Yeah.

Is that foreign?

No, I think I got it.

I got to call the foreigner first.

In California?

Hell, yeah.

Ooh, St. Joseph.

I hate that place.

This sucks.

Okay.

We'll be right back after this with the next call.

We're calling Samuel Shatt in California.

It's 1057, and we'll be right back on the Madhouse.

Hello?

Hello.

May I speak with Samuel, please?

Yes.

Hello?

Yeah.

Sammy?

You know what I mean?

Hi, I'm here in San Francisco.

Okay, yeah.

Hey, have you been having trouble with that, with a black dog running around?

Dog?

Yeah, this is a black dog.

This is a black dog going around terrorizing people.

No, I didn't notice.

I'm trying to get some people together.

We're going to go down and give the owner of the black dog some business.

I didn't notice.

Who owns that dog?

That guy, Bill, down the street.

He's at the beginning of the cul-de-sac, you know?

Drives a white truck.

Okay.

That guy, well, I'll tell you what.

That dog actually came onto my yard, shat, right in front of everybody.

We were having a picnic.

But we have our picknick line to go out that much.

We have our picknick line.

That dog shat right in front.

No kidding.

Did you talk to the owner?

Yeah.

Well, they said that I told them that he shat.

They don't speak much English, so they said they called shat.

They're calling you.

I heard that you shat.

Did you shat?

Are you shat?

Yeah.

Shat yourself?

My last name's shat, yeah.

The dog shat, right?

Your dog shat?

Last name's shat?

I don't have a dog.

What do you have?

You have a cat that shat?

I don't have a cat.

And I don't have a dog, nothing.

I don't have anything.

What do you have, a wife?

Yeah.

Is your wife last name Shat?

Shat.

I mean, dog runs around your yard.

I think your wife's Shat in my yard.

I always laugh at shitting jokes, huh?

I'll give myself some applause for that.

Great.

Fantastic.

You know what's missing tonight?

There's no plan to be honest with you.

I don't know why.

But I miss the guy and his weird comments sometimes.

I miss gonging him.

Yeah, he's in Guantanamo right now.

Yeah, he's in Guantanamo.

He's in Gitmo right now.

Oh, damn it, man.

I don't have any ties to Al-Qaeda.

I don't know what you're talking about, man.

All I like to do is buy phone cards.

He's like, why are you buying so many phone cards, huh?

Supplying Al-Qaeda with phone cards.

I'm telling people where to go with my phone cards.

Milkman, you know, he wouldn't give me up if it was something like that.

I think he would really, if it came down to it,

if I told him that the cops were after me for prank calling people,

I think he'd take the blame.

He'd be like, I'll take the blame, Carlo.

I'll take the fall.

It's all right.

Yeah, it's a whole piece of you.

I've had a long life.

I like getting raped, to tell you the truth.

He's not a mind at all.

Damn it.

I'm going to test the toll-free line because no one's calling it.

I thought PrankBuster would have called by now for sure.

So it's probably not working.

Hang on.

How?

Yes, may I speak with Cheng, please?

Huh?

Cheng, I need to speak with Cheng, please.

Yeah.

Is this Cheng?

Yeah.

Cheng, this is Jack.

I'm calling you from State of New York Food Services.

How are you tonight?

Oh, yeah, good.

Gang, let me ask you a question.

We're coming in for an inspection here.

Should we find anything wrong?

I thought maybe I'd give you a heads up and let you know maybe it might want to.

Are you breathing into the phone?

Huh?

Are you breathing?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're breathing into the phone?

Yeah, yeah.

Where are you?

Home.

Yeah, maybe the phone is loud, yeah.

I don't know.

Tell me the truth about the restaurant.

We know.

We have the inspection, and we know what's going on.

Do you want to be honest with me about you're not washing your hands?

Huh?

You're not washing your hands.

Oh, no, no.

You're not washing your hands at work?

No, I'm in the living room.

Okay, to the bathroom, work, and you didn't wash your hands before returning to work.

When? In the restaurant?

To the bathroom in the restaurant, and you didn't wash your hands when you were done.

Oh, you want to find Mr. Ching or Miss Ching.

Okay, where can I reach them at?

Huh?

Where can I reach them at?

Because Mr. Chang is my father and Ms. Chang is me.

Can I talk to them?

Oh, my father doesn't know English much.

I can have a translator talk.

Oh.

You didn't wash your hands after you went to the bathroom.

How do you know?

Did you get in cameras?

Oh, in where?

Where?

In New York.

City, New York?

New York, yeah, New York.

City, Brooklyn?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, you went to the, did you do number one or number two?

No, what do you, what do you, uh,

So, why do you want to know about that?

Did you know when you go to the bathroom, when you go pee-pee, you're supposed to wash your hands.

Yeah.

You didn't wash your hands.

So?

Dirty.

Uh-huh.

Someone got sick.

Uh-huh.

We know that you didn't wash your hands.

We think maybe you got them sick.

You gave them the sick.

Do you know what avian bird flu is?

I don't know.

Okay, that's okay.

So, do you not wash your hands after you go to the bathroom at work?

I don't know.

It's not me, okay?

It was you.

No, it's not me.

Who are you? You said you are Cheng.

I'm Miss Cheng, Miss.

Yeah, that's Miss Cheng.

Cheng, we're looking for Miss Cheng. She didn't wash her hands.

She took a shit and she didn't wash her hands.

I'm not free now, so can you call back tomorrow?

Now.

I'm not free now, okay?

You pay now.

No.

Hurry up and buy.

She sounds like she's young. Poor thing.

Ew, man, she doesn't wash her hands.

I know they don't wash their hands when they go to the bathroom.

Oh, no.

At a Chinese restaurant.

There's any restaurant, man.

That's sick.

There's any restaurant.

You don't wash your hands?

No, I do.

You do?

No, you don't.

No, I do.

I actually do.

You do?

Seriously?

You have cameras everywhere where I work, so you have to.

But they're not going to bust you for that.

They have cameras everywhere.

Your boss is not going to go after you for...

Oh, you don't wash your hands.

You're in trouble.

Maybe the State Department might or something.

You'd get mad if he saw that.

There's a customer who might see that.

Oh, look.

It's Milkman.

Hey.

Hey, man.

I'm back from the mothership.

Hey, man.

It's about goddamn time.

They probed me twice.

I was going to do the old man voice for about 10 minutes.

I'm not smarter or funny.

Hurry up.

Answer now.

Not answering.

Please leave your message after the tone.

Your voicemail will be delivered immediately by email.

Let's have a voicemail.

Hey, hey, look.

This is Carlito and Andy.

Yeah, we're pissed off.

Yeah.

We've been gone the whole show.

Yep.

And we had all this stuff we had to talk about.

Then you go, I'm back.

And then, like, we call you and you don't answer.

And you're not even there.

Yeah, you're an asshole, so.

That's right.

And I heard you don't wash your hands either, Milkman.

So, yeah, you got to call us.

Call him now.

Well, he can't call.

Yeah, but we're going to call you back.

You better answer or it's your house.

Hey, but thanks for the phone card tonight, though.

Bye.

All right, well, we love that for Milkman there.

Now call him back.

Let me try to call him back one more time.

He's there somewhere.

He's probably like, I didn't plug in my microphone.

Where it up?

I had to plug it from my rear and plug it into the jacks.

Hey, what's up, man?

Milkman.

Hey.

What do you say, man?

Look at the small applause you got.

My boys.

Here's an applause for Milkman right here.

What's up, man?

How you doing?

Hello.

Richard?

This is Ron.

Ron.

Okay, Ron.

Is this Richard's son?

No, who's this?

Look, my name is Walter, and I just wanted to give you my condolences.

I know you're probably Richard's son or something, but I understand he finally passed after the heart attack and everything.

You're talking about Richard Pryor?

Richard Pryor.

You got the wrong Richard Pryor.

You're talking about the comedian Richard Pryor.

He's the one that died.

I've got his cell phone number here in my cell phone, sir.

I've had his number for quite some time, him and his wife.

Richard's at Yolanda's.

Yolanda, yeah.

Yolanda and Richard Pryor here.

We're friends from the AFCA.

Richard's alive.

He's back.

I know you're in doubt. It's okay. That's third step or something.

Denial. Yeah, denial. That's the one.

But, son, let me tell you, I lost my father last year to a heart attack.

And just be blessed. Just be blessed.

Listen to me. Dial.

What?

Is he in hiding?

Oh, my God. I gotta go, bro.

The bastard owes me 35 bucks.

Just like the black people always be skipping out on their bills.

I don't know nothing about that.

Yeah, you would. You're obviously black. You're Richard's son.

Yeah, let's call this female Jewish rabbi.

Let's see if it's not too late to call her.

All right.

Hang on, everybody.

Why not ask her if she will give a circumcision?

Circumcision?

To me?

Tell her I want a circumcision now.

Yeah, yeah.

You're an adult, and you're tired of your foreskin.

Let's do it.

We'll be right back.

Now, this man here is going to take me by the hand.

He's going to lead me down the right path to righteousness and all that other mother jazz in the right tempo.

Hello. Hello, ma'am.

How are we? How are you doing there? Good evening.

My name is Walter, and I'm thinking of converting over to Judaism.

I'm currently a Catholic. Would that be possible at my age?

I'm moved by the fact that Jesus actually was a Jew, and I'm interested.

Please don't laugh. I really am interested in possibly following the Jewish faith.

There's no reason to believe that I'll be a much happier person as a member of the tribe.

Gordon, are you there?

Well, it was given to me from my friend, he said that it was okay to go ahead and give you a call, I don't know if maybe he goes to your congregation or what, but he said that, you know, he's been talking to me for a good year now, I've watched his car for six months, and, you know, he told me about, you know, the tour and everything, and I really would like to, I mean, I'm a Gentile, can I get rid of that?

Who is this, really?

My name is Walter.

Walter Rodriguez.

Walter.

Rodriguez.

My friend Richard recently died, and I was very, very sad.

And I wanted to take my life.

And he told me, you know, there was a God.

And I said, yeah, well, this Catholic God and this and that.

And I don't believe in it.

I don't feel complete.

And he's been teaching me, you know, he read for me from the Torah for a good, you know,

a few minutes and everything, and the Exodus and everything.

And I was very moved, and I beg of you.

Can I talk to Ben?

Ben. Who's Ben? I don't know a Ben. Is it Mr. Goldenberg?

Yes, this is Mr. Goldenberg.

Ma'am.

Mm-hmm.

This is Gordon.

Mm-hmm.

Where do we go with this?

What would you like to ask me?

Well, you have to be straightforward with it.

I'm being straightforward. I told you I had a death in my family. My friend Richard died.

And I want to convert into Judaism. I've never been much of a Catholic myself.

I haven't eaten pork in three years.

What?

Huh?

What'd you say?

I haven't eaten...

You haven't what?

I have not eaten pork in three years.

I don't think it would be that difficult to follow a kosher diet.

And I would be willing to volunteer for circumcision if you'd be willing to come over.

Now, would you use like a Novocaine?

I can make a cocaine paste with toothpaste and, you know, some medicinal purposes, you know, ma'am.

Do you know what Ambasol is?

No.

You know that stuff, that gel you put in your mouth when you have a toothache?

I was thinking.

Well, so, I mean, can I, could you bring me enough Manischewitz to knock me out

if you're going to do the circumcision?

I mean, so, so really, can I talk to Ben?

He's not here.

I don't know who Ben is.

Honestly, ma'am, I swear to God, I swear to the Virgin Mary that he's not here.

Virgin Mary?

The Virgin Mary.

Is there something wrong with that?

Okay.

I swear to Jesus, Jesus Christ our Savior.

Yeah.

Ma'am, you know, Jesus died for us to have the right to eat pork.

You can eat bacon, because Jesus died for you.

You know, you need to take a couple more lessons.

In what? In Judaism?

No bullshit!

In bullshit?

Yeah.

I'm the best bullshitter there is, baby.

Eh, eh.

Really, who are you?

How old are you?

I said, who are you?

Are you like talking as I talk to a priest, right?

Like I have to tell you?

Right.

Like you represent God?

Yeah.

All right.

My name is Carlito, and you're on my radio show.

I'm on your radio show?

Yes, ma'am.

I'm sorry.

Is this the part where I confess?

Seriously.

Seriously?

Are you at Ben's house and Ben put you up to this?

I don't know who Ben is.

Ben didn't put me up to this.

I don't...

Well, what area code are you calling from?

212.

I live in New York.

212.

My cell phone is 716, okay?

So who put you up to this?

Ben.

Ben's a money, he said, you know, if I called.

And this is a bet between us here.

You know, it's okay.

You don't have to get mad at him.

I'm not mad.

I thought it was funny.

Well, don't tell him.

Don't tell him?

No.

Aren't you at his house?

No.

So, Ms. Gordon?

Is it Mrs. Gordon or Ms. Gordon?

Okay.

Okay, so now, so you...

Ms. Gordon.

Yeah.

Let me ask you, what's the oldest age man that you've circumcised?

I haven't circumcised anybody.

Well, you're a rabbi.

Don't you all do that?

Rabbis do not circumcise people.

Oh, who does now?

The assistant rabbi?

No.

A person trained to do circumcisions is usually an old man.

An old man?

Yeah.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

That's kind of creepy, isn't it?

No.

Like, if I was going to get circumcised, I'd rather have a lady do it than some old guy.

It's just me, you know.

So you sound to me like you're in your late 20s.

Is that correct?

So how did you get my phone number?

I'm trying to get your age.

How did you get my phone number?

Oh, Ben sent it to the radio station.

Ben?

Ben, yeah, Ben.

Ben who?

Ben Herr.

Look, we can't dawdle here, you know.

We're up against a commercial break.

Are you going to circumcise me or not?

Can we talk to you or are you busy?

You.

Bend over?

You have to go to a person who does circumcisions.

Rabbis do not do circumcision

Okay, so

Go ahead

If you want to promote your congregation

Go ahead now

You're on the air

Uh-huh

Go ahead

Okay, thank you

That's it?

Doesn't God deserve more?

That's it?

That's all you have for me?

Bye

No, no bye

No bye, please

Please, God, baby Jesus

Baby Jesus

What was that?

I wanted to find out

What's the feeling

When you're in the box

And I'm tied to your head

That's what I wanted to tell me

The little hat

I have one of those

with a propeller on the top of it.

So, anyway...

You know, they got the little beanie,

and then they got the little lock of hair

that hangs off the side of their head,

you know, so...

Yeah.

Comes down, curls like a little dreadlock.

Yeah.

True, true, true.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know.

I'm not going there.

Those are the Hasidic Jews.

I'm not anti-Semitic.

I'm just...

I don't know.

I'm not anti-Semitic here.

I'm just trying to be funny.

I heard that you...

That you're a fifth-generation German.

Mr. Winchester, this is Michelle.

Hey, how you doing?

Good, how are you?

You mean you're open?

Um, until 11.

How open are you?

Um, just, that's two in here.

Just two open, huh?

Yep.

Are they both open?

Yep.

Are they wide open, baby?

No.

You know what my name is?

No.

My name is Surly.

Okay.

You know what that means?

I think she did know.

She walked right into that one, that dumb bitch.

Oh, yeah, we're open.

It's like, yeah, I was talking to your legs, bitch.

Athena, you okay with that?

Athena was laughing.

I thought Athena fell asleep.

I say H-E-double-L.

How about W-E-double-R-U-N-D-1?

Look, here's what I'll do.

If you totally describe your naked body and the last time you had sex live on the air,

I will let you curse and I'll let it go out over the air.

Let's see, the last time I had S-E-X, and it was in the bathroom with my husband, like 20 minutes ago, before I got to the bar here.

That's nasty. In the bathroom?

That's the best time. Oh, yeah.

You don't eat where you shit, lady.

On the toilet.

Oh.

You get the floor all sticky.

Did you give him head while he was on the toilet?

Yeah, a little head, and then some good straddling.

How old are you?

How old are you? You're getting off on this shit?

I'm 20.

Sorry?

I'm 16. I'm 16. How old are you?

I think about 19 and inexperienced, but 20 or 21.

Yeah, I'm a little nervous, you know?

I'm about 55, dude.

This is my first... Oh, really?

Yeah.

Would you be my mom, honey?

Yeah.

Would you be my mom?

Pull them or what?

Yeah, pull my hair.

What are you doing?

Slap him on the backside.

You sound like my girlfriend when I talk to her.

Oh, she gets off all the time.

You're a sinner, bitch.

You're a lesbian sinner. You're going to hell for being a lesbian.

But my husband I am.

Hey, listen, I'm gonna fart on the phone. You ready?

Yeah.

Bitch, I farted on the phone. You smell this?

It smells like dick on your breath.

What's up, Chris? Why don't you tell me what happened with the thing? Why is it over there?

Why are you over there, you son of a bitch?

Hey, you son of a bitch.

This is Chris, dude. I'm at the bar. I was in the bathroom. These people fucking picked up my phone. Who is this?

Look, dude, these Mexicans were talking to me. I was trying to talk to Chris.

Yeah, I'm a fucking Mexican, dude.

I swear, they're fucking everywhere.

They're stealing my phone and shit.

Uh-huh.

They're fucking sitting there yakking on my phone.

Are you a fucking serious?

I'm not even fucking joking, dude.

I'm here at MacTown, a bar out here in Roscoe, the middle of fucking nowhere.

Uh-huh.

So where are they now?

I'm at MacTown.

I stepped outside.

Oh, what?

You took the phone back?

They didn't talk to you?

Fucking yeah.

I'm looking around for my phone, and there I see this fucking Mexican yakking on it.

All right.

Who's a Mexican, then?

Some fucking Mexican at this bar, dude.

Whatever, man.

What bar are you at?

You got free burritos there?

Hey, man.

Yo, that's my cousin you were talking about, man.

It's not your...

Well, why the fuck are you calling him here?

How do you get my number and call a Mexican?

He called me, yo.

Dude, there's no Mexican that's ever touched his phone besides him.

Yo, he called me, yo.

He called you?

Yeah, man.

He called me here in Mexico, man.

What?

Yeah.

We've been talking for, like, a while now.

That's right.

I have free international calls.

Well, that's cool, but...

What's up, yo?

Yo, you got beef, man?

Yeah, I'm probably going to have to kick his ass now.

How about I go kick your ass, man?

If you're such a man, why can't you fight two of us?

What you got against Pachuco?

I got some white guys in the corner over here.

They'll help me out.

Well, let's hear that.

I want to hear you try to kick my cousin's ass.

That's what I do before I kick his ass.

Well, go inside and let's hear that shit if you're such a man.

Go get your buddy, Casper.

I want to hear you try to kick my cousin's ass.

Dude, I'll kick his ass, any nigger's ass, any fucking diehead, anything you want.

I'll kick their ass.

Here, man, you know what?

You know what?

Well, I'm so serious, I'm so serious you can't kick my cousin's ass.

You go in there now, and if you kick his ass, you can shoot me in the arm.

I can shoot you in the arm.

Yes, sir.

We'll give him the free tickets.

I'll let you shoot me in the arm.

It's a pretty gay proposal there, buddy.

If you kick his ass, I'll let you shoot me in the arm.

It's a fucking gay proposal, dude.

Well, it's serious. I'm a man of my word.

I'm a man of my word.

So you're a Mexican.

That's right, yo.

My name is Gonzales.

You're from Mexico?

My name's Gonzales, man.

Gonzales.

Gonzalez, bitch.

Shit, this guy grabbed it from me and he looks just like Erika Stratus.

Yo, what is your name is, yo?

I'm Chris.

Chris what, yo?

Chris.

Yo, Chris, man, it's gonna be on.

You think you're gonna kick my cousin's ass?

I'll kick his ass.

Let me tell you what's going on.

We want him out.

He's been fucking around too much.

He molested a nine-year-old girl.

Yo, we think so, yo.

I'll fucking kill him, dude.

No, no, no.

Don't kill him, yo.

He's my family, yo.

Dude, we can't have fucking child molesters running around.

I'll fucking kill him.

Yo, look, why don't you just sit down and ask him why he use your phones and shit?

Cause he's a fucking Mexican, just like all of them, just like you.

Yo. Yo, don't hate, yo.

Don't hate. It's kinda hard not to, dude.

Yo, let me talk to my cousin.

I'm not letting you talk to him again.

Fucking greasy dirtball, man. Fucking get my phone all dirty.

So what are you gonna do then? You afraid of him, huh?

He'll kick your ass.

He's a fucking, he's like five foot, like maybe a hundred pounds at the most.

He looks like he's a fucking landscaper, you know?

Yo, don't be talking about my cousin, yo.

You can stick your ass.

Fucking lawnmower and shit, you know?

Yeah.

Yo, let me talk to him, yo.

I gotta say bye.

You wanna talk to him?

Yeah.

Dude, he's fucking got like greasy Dorito fingers all over this shit.

It's nasty.

Hurry up.

You wanna talk?

Alright.

Hey, Mr. Mexico, you're cutting stuff again.

Yeah, how you doing, man?

What's up?

Yo, man, you a punk-ass bitch.

Yeah, you are.

Yeah, wait.

Kiss my ass.

You used to be with me.

Alright, then.

You start in trouble with the White Brothers.

Yeah, start in trouble.

This is cool.

Thanksgiving.

Bitch, I don't care.

A turkey burrito.

You take your Thanksgiving, you shove it up your ass.

I don't care.

I don't accept your happy Thanksgiving.

I don't recognize your love.

You know what?

I could feel some love.

I hope you had a bad Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving.

You're being a whore.

You're all going to be sad from now on.

Lose all your money.

Bean burritos.

Motherfucker.

Turkey burrito.

Merry Christmas, bitch.

Happy Black Friday.

That's how I do it.

I'll fart on the phone for you on Black Friday.

That's why it's so black.

Get rid of my ass.

Black ear.

Shove it up your ass.

Shove it up your ass, all right?

That's it.

I'm done.

It's over.

I got black ear.

How mature are you?

How mature am I?

My maturity is uncompassable.

Okay, we can tell.

Shut up.

Go to hell.

Get off my phone.

I do what I want.

Are you open?

Yeah.

Are you open?

Yeah.

Are you open?

I'm open for you, yeah.

You come here first.

You got my address already.

Come on over and I'm going to beat your ass.

I'd like to see you try, you Mexican bitch.

Why are you gonna hate me for?

Bitch here, and I'm fucking her every night.

Yeah, let me talk to that white girl again.

Come on.

You're lying.

What the fuck is going on back there with that big mouth woman?

That's a black hoe.

Tell her to shut up.

I knocked that fucking Mexican out, dude.

Yeah, okay.

Stand there yanking on my fucking phone saying he's gonna kick your...

I don't know who the fuck this is.

Yeah.

Yeah, bitch.

Great job.

What the fuck are you calling?

You called me.

It's none of your business.

This is my conversation, that's all.

Well, it's my fucking phone, so obviously this is my fucking conversation.

He's sitting here with a fucking white woman, dude.

Eh.

He ain't fucking cool.

I don't care.

Good.

Good for him.

You said he's going to kick your ass anyway, huh?

Yeah, he did.

Fucking unconscious right now, dude.

Whatever.

You got to talk to that white lady.

She's fucking freaking out.

We want to find out what the hell's wrong with her.

Yeah, we want to know what the hell's wrong with that bitch.

That's right.

What?

How many are you already getting?

Heavy duty Kevlar.

Can I help you?

Hey, how are you doing, sir?

Okay.

Good evening. Aloha.

Look, let me ask you a question.

Do you have any of the rations, you know, the food, any type of emergency food there?

The what, sir?

The emergency food, you know, the canned emergency food?

MREs.

Meals refused by Ethiopians?

Oh, MREs.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Yeah, meals refused by...

The cases of them, yes, we have them.

Oh, you do?

What kind do you have?

What kind do you have right now?

Well, they're commercial.

They're not military.

Oh, I need...

Hey, look, look.

Pardon?

I need the military grade.

I want the real deal.

The military ones, it's illegal to sell them, sir.

But you know what?

They gave them out during the hurricanes, you know, and people are selling them.

Did you hear about that?

They give you diarrhea.

Yeah, well, there's a sign on each one of them that says, not for commercial sale, whether they give them away or not.

Look, look, but under the table, you know, me and you, I'll hook you up with some authentic Army rations, you know.

I got a whole box of them.

I got them, they dropped it down from the helicopter and I took it with me.

I don't need that shit.

You know what I mean?

No, we can't sell them, sorry.

I looted me a big ass bag of pork rinds, a watermelon, and I lived off of that the first week after the hurricane.

And then I kept those rations, those MREs, you know, those MREs.

And, you know, if you want some, I'm your man.

It's all right, I won't tell no more, you know.

Well, we thank you for the offer, but we deal with the military too much.

And if an MP walks in and sees those, we could be in big trouble.

Let's try this.

Commercial ones, we don't have any problem.

Let's say I come down and we just share one.

Me and you can have a meal, an MRE meal, and I just happen to give you $20.

I'll take you out.

We'll go to one of the clubs here.

Me and you just have a meal.

We'll have breakfast, lunch, and dinner, MREs, and you'll see.

Me and you can say we've been there, man, because you weren't in the military, were you?

Just in the Guard.

I see.

You want to really experience how it is.

These are authentic Katrina MREs, man.

They're the real deal, real primo stuff.

You know what I got here?

I'll tell you real quick.

I got the Italian meatballs one here.

From what I understand, they're great.

they're the best ones the italian meatballs turkey tetrazzini that could very well be but we would

really not be interested in them though thank you very much all right well that's too bad you're in

the guard huh yep that's too bad you give me a ferocious diarrhea how old are you sir now i'm 73.

so so you when were you in the guard in the 50s 1950s in the 50s

I heard that you dropped a mine on someone's foot and they died.

No, I was in the guard but the guard unit that I was in wasn't allowed to go to Korea.

We were the 49th division and there was a 40th division in Southern California and they

wouldn't let two divisions out of the same state go.

So we never actually went into a conversation.

That was a great story.

Let me ask you a question, sir.

Look, I'm here in Honolulu now, you know,

and there was these Japanese people who were laughing at me.

I'm a big gentleman.

I'm about 426 pounds, to be honest with you, between me and you, all right?

I'll keep the secret about your age.

Just don't tell anybody how much I weigh.

And there were these Japanese tourists in Honolulu downtown,

town and they started laughing at me and I went up to them and I said, I said, we're

going to kick your ass just like we did in Vietnam. And they started laughing. You know

what I mean? Like, was I incorrect in saying that?

Well, if you were talking to Japanese tourists, you were.

Yeah, well, I told them I'm going to come.

They had nothing to do with the Vietnam War.

Yeah, but I'm saying, like, I'm going to kick your ass like we kicked your ass in Vietnam

because they're all Asians, you know? Like, we kicked the Asians' ass in Vietnam pretty

good, you know?

No, that's not correct, sir.

Oh, come on.

You have a strange way of looking at things.

Anyway, I have to go.

Thank you very much for calling.

Can I ask you about Korea?

Daddy?

Daddy!

That guy was how old?

Seventy?

Seventy-three?

He was Korean.

Hell, he's an onion.

What was his name?

I didn't get his name.

Holy shit.

I need to call him again sometime.

M-R-E-P, I think.

I'm going to ask him about...

You need to call him and say,

I'm your ding-fuck-do or something like that.

Yeah, I need your daddy.

Ding fuck dog.

I'm ding fuck dog.

I've tracked you down.

Daddy.

Exactly.

Are you...

Hey, buddy.

I'm gonna go for...

Okay, yeah, yeah.

Just say a word and the boys will be right.

Hello?

Is this Tony?

Who's the...

Who is this?

Yeah, um...

I'm eating monkey.

I'm eating Brian monkey.

You...

You really, really, really need to grow up is what you need to do.

Yeah, because my...

Dude, you got the...

Really, really, really, really...

You're like a five-year-old.

I swear to fucking God.

It's unbelievable, dude.

That you've got...

It's the taste in your bladder to have nothing better to do.

What a fucking clown.

Excuse me, sir.

Sir, did you...

Hey.

What the fuck?

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Don't talk to me.

What a bastard.

There you go.

What are you doing?

What are you doing with that fucking chimpanzee?

I was...

Am I fucking enough tonight?

What the hell?

Am I dating enough?

for fucking damn your children's eyes.

You got some dumb little monkeys up your way, don't you?

I'll fuck you in both your ears.

Nobody talks about my girlfriend.

I'll have my girlfriend fuck you in both.

Sucked up my dick.

Your girlfriend's a pedopo?

I mean, no, we...

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Time out.

I'm going to walk away

so I can have a chill conversation with you.

That's my fault for days, bro.

What's wrong with you?

And you're coming out...

We're not going about it the wrong way, man.

Absolutely conduct a business transaction

which is your mom's way.

And you know that damn well

you're insulting my intelligence.

Everybody shut up. Everybody shut the monkey.

Homestead, enter in the call. I see your ad.

You want a monkey, I got money.

My son calls, says he wants a monkey, you're talking rude to him.

What the fuck, bitch, huh? Where you at? I'm in Homestead.

You're not far away from me. You want me to come up and fuck your ass up, you fucking guinea-wop bastard?

Don't talk to my son like that.

Mother of a damn...

Just for beginners.

Beginners, fuck you if you want to talk, but your puffiest chest ain't gonna scare me.

Motherfuckers see me, I'm gonna come down, they're gonna fuck your monkey in the ass.

You're gonna come nowhere near me because you don't even know where I am, and I'm on to the...

Oh, I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared.

Hey, motherfucker, I have a hand grenade.

I'm not trying to fuck with you at all. I ever, ever wanted to.

I'll deal with you like a man if you deal with me like a man.

The way you guys have been fucking me for the past few days, calling me all night, it's bullshit.

You guys are not f***ing dealing with me like men.

I don't know what you're talking about, you stupid c***.

What the f*** are you talking about?

Damn your children's eyes, your mother's eyes, damn you!

I mean, what are you doing?

You did me.

Have you heard of the Meddling Cartel?

Monkey, look, now my son's crying.

I told you how to go about doing it.

My son calls you, you call him a mother f***er.

Who the f*** is he calling you constantly?

He doesn't have a life. He just wants a monkey.

Since when? When did I call? This is the first time I'm calling you, you stupid cock.

I recognize... Don't fucking insult my intelligence. You and I both know you guys are fucking... know it.

Bullfuckers. You know what? I'll report you to the paper.

You can report me to anybody you want, bro. Everything I do is legitimate, bro.

I'll stand... I'm as candid as... with you for no absolute reason, bro.

Hey, you know what?

Cool, bro. That's what a tyrant is.

Shut up.

Explain to you, if you are a monkey, this is how you go about doing it.

Instead of you guys choose to call every night in the middle of the night, changing your voices, you don't want to.

Listen to me.

You're not a businessman.

You don't know how to conduct business.

You are a metro zoo.

Okay.

All right.

What's the curator's name?

Connie Price.

Bro, Ron McGill, you piece of...

She's a fucking lesbian and your mom's a cunt, fucking son of a bitch.

You disrespect me best.

It's far down, motherfucker.

Fuckers, you don't know how important I am in the wild animal business in my job

You know won't be able to sell a monkey and fucking Jacksonville anywhere you go

They will take your monkey showed up your ass how I read though. I run with the biggest of them

I thought a little shit not anymore

Biggest of them right now, you know who my dad is you know who my dad is your dad?

And yes, that's the biggest of them in the ass. You know why that's a Miami Metro Zoo whose name is Connie price

That's right.

The guy's name is fucking Ron McGill, okay?

Hey, shake the $8,000 price now.

You don't even know who you're talking about.

You're in the past, man.

Kiss my ass.

Kiss my ass, fucking Tony, bitch.

The guy lives fucking blocks from my house.

Kiss my ass, suck my dick.

Literally.

Literally, the guy lives blocks from my house.

You're going to tell me this shit.

Hey, you know what?

Go down to his house right now.

Put him on the phone.

I'll talk to that son of a bitch.

Unbelievable.

Let me talk to him.

Let me talk to him, motherfucker!

You sound like a damn bloody chimpanzee!

Hold on, hold on.

Hurry up!

Ain't got time to be messing with this fucking, motherfucking monkey-ass fuckers.

Woo-woo!

I said you wanted to be a fucking monkey.

He just wants a monkey.

You wanted Romeo.

Look what you did to my son, Jose, now.

Man, I don't know, man. You guys been watching my ball for days.

My son is...

All I know is you offended my son.

You messed with the wrong people.

I'm tired of you guys calling in the middle of the night, changing your voices, fucking with me.

This is my voice.

This is my voice, motherfucker bitch.

Motherfucker bitch.

My voice.

I'm from Germany.

You know, you're busting my balls.

I don't go around busting my balls.

Fuck Russia.

I don't know what you're talking.

Look, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Look at me, bro.

That blah, blah, blah, blah shit is five-year-old shit.

That's all you're talking is five-year-old shit.

I'm imitating you, you moron.

You look

like an adult.

You guys were calling me last night.

I didn't call you.

You don't understand, you son of a bitch.

I didn't call you last night.

Son of a bitch, we're talking like adults now.

All right, S.O.B.

Okay, somebody from this number did more than once.

It's logged on my phone.

I mean, come on.

What number?

You're helping my intelligence.

718-487-1050.

That's not my number.

1050.

That's not my number.

I couldn't even tell you.

That's the number it's calling right now from my yard.

Listen, I'll give you my number.

305-275-2958.

Homestead Metro Zoo.

We're opening up.

We're looking for marmosets and spider monkeys, even a gorilla if you have one.

This is for my son, all right?

This is for my son.

My son, he's over here crying.

Jose.

You're calling from a 718 area code.

I wanted a freaking monkey so I could spice up my life.

You obviously have a problem with your phone system because I'm in a 305 area code.

You know where Homestead is, you dumbass?

If you're in Homestead, I'll come meet you right now if you're really in Homestead.

For what?

For gay sex, huh?

No, not for gay sex.

Next, I'm five minutes from Homestead.

I'll meet you right now at the Homestead Air Force Base.

Let's do it.

First of all, you're full of shit because it's Air Force Station.

You think I didn't know.

Homestead Air Force Station.

I have station here, man.

Yeah, I'll meet you.

I'll meet you right there.

Yeah, I dare you to come out here.

I dare you.

Why are you going to dare me?

If you're really serious, I come in peace.

Hey, let me tell you what.

You better give me a discount because my son is crying.

You better bring that monkey with you now.

I'm not going to bring shit, bro.

I'm going to come and speak here legitimate, because the way you're speaking to me is uncalled for.

Hey, you better bring everything you've got, the way you're talking to me.

You better bring...

I'm believing.

This is whatever.

You call my friend at odd hours, bro?

Whatever.

These monkeys you don't.

That's the...

Look, polar bears.

It says 718?

It says down the street here, bro.

We have three Africans.

Three Africans.

Why are you calling?

Are you looking for something, bro?

I told you, marmosets and spider monkeys and a gorilla.

This is, trust me, Moe, all right, well, there's many other people around, you know, you...

Hey, look, man.

You guys are on bad terms right now.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Let's just look for somebody else.

Somebody else.

Tony, it's me and you talk, okay?

Don't just ring.

All right, look, I'll do it.

Okay, listen.

Listen, listen, listen.

Ardell, gentleman up in Fort Lauderdale.

You answer.

Lady up in Davie named Susan Rosenthal.

I don't care.

Susan Rosenthal?

She needs...

Let me, let me, let me tell you something about the Rosenthal family.

I know Jill, as a matter of fact, I know a person, my personal friend, Jill Rosenthal.

You know anything about them except for that they breed a lot of monkeys and you can get a monkey.

You're not getting a monkey from me.

I'm getting, I'm getting a monkey from you.

Fuck you.

Or not, but I'm getting a monkey from you.

You're unbelievable.

You go around life, you're, how do you go around the world existing?

You got all your teeth.

You talk to everybody that way.

Got them all.

You must not have all your teeth.

You go through the world living that way and treating people that way.

Tony.

Hey.

Who dug you up and gave you down?

Tony, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Seriously, who dug you up and shaved you down?

You sound like a damn turkey in a work chimpanzee goat jacket.

You're one fucking piece of work.

Listen, you want a monkey, bro, call that lady.

I'll give you her number if you want.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do that shit.

Don't talk to the gay man like that, it's okay.

Gay monkey man, monkey in your pants.

You're talking to my son like that.

Hey, I told you to give me the curator.

I'm telling you, do you guys really want a monkey? Is that really what your objective is?

Hello? Hello? McFly? How long have I been asking for the marmoset?

Alright, you're not going to get a monkey from me talking to you that way, first of all.

Well, hey, you know what? I'm going to report you.

Report me to whoever you want. I'm USDA license inspected. I'm as good as gold.

I'm going to report you right to them for refusing to sell me a monkey because we're Cubans.

Dude, call the USDA, dude.

My inspector's name is Mary Moore.

Go do whatever you want.

I'm not fucking, like I said, all your fucking puffiest chest,

nothing you're going to say is going to scare me, okay?

I heard you're the worst in monkeys.

I heard you're the worst.

Steal monkeys from their mother's arms.

Yeah, that's, whatever.

Whatever you think, whatever you say, whatever you,

I mean, obviously, you're not calling me with any good intentions of trying to, I mean,

I do it with all kinds of people.

I don't know what you guys do, dude.

Just calling a fuck with somebody.

Unbelievable, bro.

Unbelievable.

There's no point in that, guys.

No point in that, man.

I'm a working man.

I work real hard, bro.

Oh, you work hard, brazen monkeys.

Yeah, okay.

I do a number of brazen monkeys.

Would you stop messing around with us, buddy?

What I do is, I'm a hardworking man.

I'm wasting my time.

Get off my phone.

I told you to get off my phone.

you're wasting my time hang up go go go suck your monkey's dick or something get off my phone all

right get out go get out of here get out of here run along i'm glad you're done with me i'm gonna

i'm gonna call you tomorrow night i brought to get that monkey that's all i gotta say you realize

that if you keep with me you're gonna lose it i'm promising well i swear no i promise

you you're gonna lose this um i don't have the time for this i don't have it all right what's

wrong talk to me the name of fellowship the name of good will one monkey monkey enthusiast to the

the other tell me what's wrong there's nothing wrong i just i've been getting calls in the

middle of the night from a 718 area code for the past couple nights i'm telling you look and this

is another one and you're telling me you're in homestead if you're really in homestead i swear

to god i'll meet you right now anywhere in homestead you want and if you burn and if you

really show up and i'll come in goodwill with a white flag you're really there shake your hand

to hug you and tell you i'm sorry and we'll permit and you can get a muscle but if you're

not really fucking who you say you are then you're calling from the same area code who's been called

for the past couple nights i can't understand why it's like fuck you're giving me an anxiety attack

stop talking meet florida city super walmart florida city right before you get to the

guys a little far you come a little bit more all right we're out of homestead i'll be there

the air force base you're getting cross numbers man because i've never been to new york in my

I'm gonna call him. I'm gonna call him.

Hey, I'm gonna call him.

Hold on. What did you say your name was?

Huh?

What did you say your name was?

This is Diego.

Thanks a lot, man.

Son, you're a racist son of a bitch is what you are.

I'm not a racist son of a bitch. You don't even know what color I am.

You don't even know what color I am.

Then why don't you tell me, Mr. Wizard? Come on.

I love the wisest of men.

You're so dramatic. You sound like a homo. You're so dramatic.

Unbelievable. I'm sitting here beside myself wondering what in God's green light...

Whatever, shut up!

He dug you up and shaved you.

You're so...

I got...

You jacked yourself off, you bitch.

...a destination number.

Now.

What was he doing, goosing at that fucking...

I don't know what the hell that was all about, man.

That was...

He lost the chat room halfway through.

This fucking idiot.

Yeah.

Tell me about...

I think he's poking a damn monkey on the side.

He was poking the...

I'm like, what's going on here?

It's insane.

You must...

You must be using the same long-distance carrier that that other person was calling in.

Yeah.

Just using it.

Hang on.

Hang on, Milkman, because I had to...

It sounds, the way I have it set up, it sounds funny when I, when I got you on with the callers.

See, it makes that weird clacking noise kind of thing.

Okay, we'll wait till I figure it out.

Oh, I'll get it figured out.

Anyway, um, Dede, what are your thoughts on that?

Nothing, you know, it was, it was nothing.

Man, that guy's insane.

He's angry, though, man.

God.

I still want this fucking monkey for a K.

I don't know, he just, I, you know what?

I never heard, I mean, I missed the later calls on, on Zolar and KDK, so I've never heard of the monkey guy before.

Especially lately, I've been having to sleep a lot lately.

I've been having, you know, issues.

God damn, though.

Seriously, that guy was just...

Dude, he's wound up now.

He is wound up, man.

Let me keep looking.

I got one other spot.

All right, while I do that, let me just do my inning credits here like I was saying.

We're normally on here Thursday nights at 9.30, around 9.30, 9.40 by 10 p.m. Eastern.

Let's just say 10 p.m. Eastern.

Start checking us out around 9.15.

Sometimes we'll start that early.

That's Thursday nights here on PCU.

Same place you're listening to us right now.

So if you want to check us out on our normal time slot, that's what you want to do.

Tomorrow night is KDK's Psychobabble, which is on every Wednesday night at 10 p.m. Eastern.

That'll be on tomorrow.

Friday night at 8 p.m. you have Dr. Lego's Mental Discrepancies.

That's at 8 p.m. Eastern, followed by none other than Zolar Vision at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Saturday, KDK's Lunatic Fringe is on at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Again, that's KDK's normal show, if you want to call it that.

Normal, the Lunatic Fringe, and that's on at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Then Sunday nights at 7 p.m., that's K-Bone's Crazy Talk.

7 p.m. Eastern on Sunday nights, followed by Sean Ward's Peanut Punch Radio,

starting at 9 p.m. Eastern on Sunday nights.

and Mondays you have

Friends of Bill M

at 8pm Eastern and of course

on Tuesdays there's no normal show

but someone's always going to cover it, it's not myself

you might hear Dr. Lego, you might hear

Zolar, you might even hear KDK

I don't know, you might even hear

Billy Mirror, which I doubt

but whatever

I've got a request, someone's asking me for your

AIM address

Madhouse Radio

if you want to reach us here

year on Madhouse Radio.

Somebody wants to send one in

real quick to you here, man.

Maybe you can pop that in after

it's in there, a little triage

of...

Yeah, well, if they send

it to me in time, then we can do that.

This is a funny call, man. This is the one I asked for a little while

ago, and he's going to send it in.

Exactly. Well, yeah. This is a request by

Milkman. Okay, by

Milkman. Alright. Yeah, send

it in. Just give me a second here.

As soon as I end the show

Then I'll transfer that

You'll have plenty of time

To send me

About 15 minutes

Worth of pranks

If I can find

The stupid ass

Gangbang shit

Which I can't find still

Still can't find it

Damn it man

I don't know

I don't know where

I would have put that here

I'm so unorganized dude

I'm not even funny

I know

I've been rearranging

All my stuff too

Yeah I seriously need to

And I'm so back

Like I'm so behind

On stuff right now

It's not even funny

Dude I have

I just keep piling up

Night after night

Of unedited stuff

Piling up

I'm like 80k now

now. The drive just keeps filling up, filling up. Seriously, you gotta just, yeah. I gotta

rip it all in an MP3, you know, everything's in the WAV file, so I mean, they're like gigantic,

you know. Yeah, you gotta do something about it before it gets out of control, though,

you know. I know, but I got a terabyte of drives, dude. I could go on for another two

years. So it doesn't really matter? Not really. Athena says goodnight, she's going to sleep.

Oh, goodnight, our princess, our goddess, our queen, our Greek goddess on the Gene

And, of course, you too, Milkman.

Thank you very much for being on tonight, man.

That was awesome.

Hell, man.

You know, but I'm here to watch your back.

I appreciate it.

Okay.

It's Madhouse Radio, right?

Madhouselive.com is the website.

Madhouse Radio is the AOL.

Your aim.

My aim, yeah.

Madhouse Radio.

Very good.

Okay, so that's it.

We're going to call it a night, and I'm still looking for that.

I'll keep looking.

Let me just get the hell out of here, dude.

Seriously.

Seriously, this is taking too goddamn long.

And, yeah, thank you to everybody who called in tonight.

Well, let's roll our credits in, man.

We'll plug everybody's show, and then we'll roll our credits like we always do.

Well, that's done.

Let me just give a shout-out to everybody who called in tonight.

Help me out.

Who am I forgetting?

Brennan Vegas called in, right?

The Dead called in.

Brennan Vegas called in.

Screaming Me.

Screaming Me called in.

Gang Green.

Yeah, Gang Green, the Canadian guy.

Yeah, Gang Green and his girlfriend.

friend i'm probably forgetting more people but uh yeah oh shit there's one more i should write

these down but anyway uh on top of that of course to everybody in the chat room tonight and everybody

who submitted numbers everybody who contributed including lonesome loser uh california for some

music that we played tonight uh little evil neo uh jay man for the indian guy i already said

lonesome loser thank you very much for everything you do lonesome loser yeah man got us australian

numbers, too,

mate.

They're very

good, mate.

Very good,

sir.

Very good.

Yeah, we

tried to

order a

Jack

Valente

pizza for

you, mate,

but they

just didn't

have any

to serve.

Exactly.

That's

I'm

Pat

Zahn.

Mad

Man,

Nunu,

who's

no longer

up with

us, but

in memory,

Nunu,

of course,

Gang Green,

I don't

know, I'm

probably

forgetting a

lot of

people.

Damn

it, man,

but that's

it for now,

everybody.

We're going

to call it

a night.

Thank you, as always, for joining us.

We'll catch you here on Thursday night, our regular night.

Thank you to all of you.

Big shout-out, man.

Let me give my big shout-out out there.

Dr. Lego, you give us our voice.

Also, Master Madman gives us all our fun and time here in the chat room

so we can pass these numbers and keep it all crazy and live here in the madhouse.

KDK, our big sponsor, the PCU.

KDK, the PhD at PCU, man.

And our Cerebra, our man, our sponsor, man, we love all of you because it's all for you, PCU.

What would we do without you?

And my girl, Ellie, our devoted listener.

I love you, too.

Oh, how cute.

Isn't that beautiful?

KDK Pranks is down.

That's weird.

Well, it's probably updating it.

Okay, you should be receiving that right now.

Yeah, it's coming from a, it's a Screamy, Screamy, he's in that podcast.

This call is the one I'm.

Yeah, yeah, I got you.

Yeah, so, yeah, just.

Yeah, I requested this one.

Yeah, so keep listening.

We'll play that call for Screaming Me, his call that he's sending in.

We'll play Fakiu's second call,

and we'll see if I can find one of those two that you told me about,

and we'll try to play that.

By that time, you may be able to find the gangbang and the promo, maybe.

That'll give you a few minutes.

Okay, I should have plenty of time.

So, yeah, if KDK's website is down,

it's probably because it's being updated or too much bandwidth or something.

So don't worry about it.

It's okay.

Okay, but that is breaking news.

Thank you, DTT.

KDKprankcalls.com is the home page.

Be sure to visit that, but apparently wait some time because it's down right now.

We got it.

No problem.

Thank you, DTT.

Well, that's it for us.

Milkman, again, thank you.

Thank you.

All right, bro.

Thanks a lot for having me in here, man.

I had a good time, man.

Everybody at the Madhouse, like I said, man, it's all for you.

Peace to you, man.

We love you in a non-gay, sexual way.

Exactly.

That's how we do it here.

And, of course, always an honor here, Milkman.

And you're always welcome.

You're always going to be on here.

Don't worry.

You're the man.

Thank you for everything you do.

All right.

That's it for tonight.

We'll catch you all on Thursday.

That's it.

Keep listening.

All right.

Good night, everybody.

Love you, LA.

Calls (26, 1 h 43 min of 2 h 48 min)

Transcript

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