Feb 17th Final Madhouse 420

It's here, but earnest.

I'm going to kick the stream right now.

Education.

Just one moment.

Today is Thursday.

Oh, no!

God?

Which one?

He thinks he's genius.

Not bad.

Oh, perhaps not.

When he decides to announce his ability, the law sees bad.

They'll knock him out.

We'll have the republic back.

My friend, this could be the best thing that ever happened.

For those who believe, life here began out there.

There are across the universe tribes of humans who may have been the forefathers of the Egyptians,

Baltics or the Mayans.

They may have been the architects of the Great Pyramids, the Lost Civilizations, or Atlantis.

Some believe that there may yet be brothers of man who even now fight to survive somewhere

beyond the heavens.

There will be no order, only chaos.

That being said, grab a blunt, pick a big hit, sit back, and enjoy the ride.

The Wing is an exclusive of PC Radio and Madhouse5.com.

Controllers, here you go, no go for loss.

Booster, go.

Retro, go.

Vital, go fly.

Guidance, guidance go.

Surgeon, go boy.

E-com, or go fly.

GNC, or go.

Tell me, go.

Control, go fly.

Procedures, go.

Go.

Info.

Go.

FAO.

We are go.

Network.

Go.

Discovery.

Go.

Capcom.

We're go, Clyde.

Launch Control, this is Houston.

We are go for launch.

Drug Reel from Reel Reel.

Chris, I take this today.

First of all, why don't you shut the hell up?

Yo, you crazy.

Maybe he's only a little crazy, like painters or composers or some of those men in Washington.

It's me.

You follow up, please.

You mother fucking.

You are under speaking punishment.

You speak, you speak this shit, I see.

You motherfuckers.

I go ahead, man.

Motherfuckers, you.

You bitch.

Don't never, don't never go against these boys, man.

Mow my lawn, mow my lawn.

You motherfuckers.

Why are you so angry?

What's my squad?

I'm gonna fuck you, man.

We're sick right now.

We're not wrong.

It ain't weirdo, it's suck.

It's a bizarre circus.

And I'm your boy, your monster.

I'm gonna get it crackin' for y'all.

The band has it.

Put your motherfuckers in this shower cap.

Hey, hello everybody, this is the dad, and I'm here with you tonight, you're listening

to the dad, 420 show, what's going on, what's up everybody, what's up, what's up milkman,

how you doing, I'm doing alright, this is Corky, yeah, yeah man, well I'm here, I'm

I'm busy.

I'm not even ready.

I'm punching in phone card numbers here at the last minute.

Nothing ever works right with me.

O.T.

Thank you, honey.

And everybody, file up your blood.

Yeah.

So we're here to do a show.

An afternoon show.

That's what I'm talking about.

Yeah.

It's the final daytime madhouse for the time being.

Unless I fail my drug test.

A madhouse.

Exactly.

Let's hope I don't fail my drug test.

That's all right.

We'll test out plenty of drugs if you don't mind.

Yes, all right.

Well, good, good.

I'll ruin my life.

My life will be ruined, probably.

Well, actually, okay, then this is a 419 show, okay?

A 419 show.

Or 421, yeah.

It's the beer show.

There you go.

Good to be honest with you.

Oh, beer 30.

I got right here a 12-pack of Bud Light right next to me.

That's what I'll be doing tonight.

Oh, beer 30.

You're trying to do your 12-ounce curls.

Exactly.

So, no worries there, folks.

I will be inebriated.

And I know a lot of you will be joining me in spirit, smoking for me tonight, so thank you very much.

Tonight, I guess tonight, right?

It's like 4.30, and it'll probably be like 5 o'clock until we get full steam here.

I don't know, you want to go until 7 o'clock or so, maybe, I guess?

What can we do?

Let her rip, man. I'm all good here, man.

I've got a card, man. We read a blast off and hit the stratosphere.

All right, good. I like your attitude.

Okay, I think I have the phone card saved, so as long as I did it right, then it's right.

Okay, well we're here everybody. Good afternoon, it's Friday the 17th of February.

Yeah, and by the way, that is an international card, so you have international access.

Yeah, I didn't mention that to Lonesome Loser. Lonesome Loser talked to me about an hour and a half ago,

and he said he's around, and he's going to start confirming numbers.

He asked me what I want, and I said, man, just businesses. You always do a good job of it.

I never have any problems, so just keep doing what you do.

So he's going to do that, and now he knows he can get us some international numbers, too, if we want.

Yeah.

Yeah, so here we are.

Thank you, everybody, for joining us.

Not too many listeners, only 33.

It's still early in the day, though.

It's too late to be at work, and it's too early to be ready to listen at home, I guess, right?

Yeah, well, that's all right.

Uh-oh.

Y'all get up here.

Get your blunts fired up, man.

It's almost that time.

Well, hang on.

It's time to get down.

Yeah, we're going to go bad off here.

We lost PCU, though.

Looks like we lost PCU.

We lost PCU.

Oh, man.

Hang on, let me turn the fan on.

Damn it, man, we lost PCU.

Son of a cock.

Man, it's hot as shit here today.

Man, it's hot here.

It's like 82 degrees over here.

Hang on, let me kick the stream.

It's like a freaking heat wave.

Yeah, it's nasty over here, too.

Okay, we're back on PCU now.

Well, sorry, folks.

I don't know how much of our little intro you heard, but we're back.

Sorry about that.

technical issues but we're back on the madhouse the final madhouse 420 show blah uh yeah we have

to give a really quick what's up uh to whose birthday is it estimated prophet's birthday

right yeah yes cheese boy yeah well happy birthday estimated prophet good for you

i don't know how old he is but it's his birthday so we're very proud of you um yeah as always you

can catch us here at madhouse radio if you're using aol instant messenger again if you're

using aol instant messenger you want to hit us up at madhouse radio then if you're using yahoo

instant messenger you can reach us at madhouse uh excuse me pcu radio and if you're using msn

messenger you can reach us at madhouse pcu radio at hotmail.com yeah converse says they missed part

of the the intro i'm sorry dude i'm sorry damn it man that sucks about that huh it's all right

It's okay. They won't hold it against me.

Forgive me, folks.

That's what matters. That's what counts, baby.

We got our blunts ready to fire on up, man.

All you parties out there, man, get ready to toast because I'm going to need some crazy coffee.

Yeah, well, I'm drinking beer already, so if you're not drinking and you're not smoking,

then asphyxiate yourself or something. I don't know.

All right.

Do something to get yourself messed up.

I got a cigar, though. I'm smoking a cigar.

So, yeah, Milkman, when you did smoke, what was your preferred method?

Were you a bong swatter?

Were you a pipe hitter?

were you a blunt smoker dude i was i was i was always a bowl man always a bowl that's how you

gotta do it glass or metal you know those little pieces that you know they make out of lamp parts

or as i got as i got along then i got the glass bowls and the stone bowls

glass i was such i was such a dedicated i'd clean between every session man so

So, I mean, you've got, like, just the perfect, perfect tasteful hit, man.

You're nice and green.

Yeah.

I mean, I had it down to a science, bro.

I mean, when I burn a bowl, man, you know, I had my rules, man.

I was very generous with my stuff, but I had certain rules, man.

Like, when you fire the bowl up, you don't like the whole damn top burning off the green.

No.

You like the corner, and it burns across.

So, you always get a green hit for everybody.

Exactly.

That's proper etiquette for smoking.

If you're more than one person, you burn the corner of the bowl.

first you know and and you always you know you want to cross you want to put your lighter on

top of it to make sure it doesn't waste and shit you know and you know what i mean and you got to

be nice with the cherry and stuff and all that puff puff pass as they say whatever's going on

and don't steal lighters either man you know it's easy to do that once you're high it's easy to

swipe a lighter in action and i've had it done to me so many times i just stopped buying nice

expensive lighters because it just ended up getting stolen by some asshole you know what i

Yeah, you know I had one way to get around. I had these like, I bought these like lighter covers

Okay, and I had one that was actually a silver one. It had a mushroom on it, a turquoise

Okay, and I carried that thing for years

I mean I faked the hell out of it and the mushroom fell off and it was just an imprint left on the side of it

I carried that thing for a long time. Cool. Then finally after somebody, I think after that one finally it got lost or I don't know if I retired

I don't know how exactly it disappeared, but one time it got a

disappear and i got one of them cool ones man you know like uh you can take them out you can put

them in like right in the fan you can light your lighter up it's got like a windshield on it extends

up and out and shit yeah then i used that sucker there for a long time and that's a real big ugly

nasty looking thing so you always know when you got one of them two lighters yeah that's true

somebody got a pop that thing out there you know and then it's like oh shit exactly yeah well i

I just buy the Bix.

It's a nice, standard Bic lighter, never fails, works until the gas is out.

You know what I mean?

A Bic lighter is a nice, strong flame every time.

Watch.

Oh, yeah.

Well, you know, back in the day, all right, you've got to remember that.

Okay, man.

When I was getting all trashed out, it's been about 13 years I've taken a high A to

speed, all right?

Yeah.

I'm still a big bazaar, but I just cannot partake because for my work requirements,

requirements we have a lot of random testing but uh yeah you know i used to uh i used to use those

cricket lighters yeah yeah i remember those my first lighter i think everybody was a cricket

lighter okay the original cricket lighters were the ones we took to concerts dude like i i remember

going to uh see black sabbath and blue is to call a black and blue concert one of the last one with

Ozzy Osbourne scene in Pittsburgh Music Center.

Man, we took those little shields off,

and these old crickets had the adjustable wheel on it.

You could spin it around.

You could adjust the height of the flame.

Oh, cool.

Man, you'd take that thing,

and you'd crank it out about two or three, man.

You'd hit that thing,

and that blowtorch would come out about two feet.

Yeah, that's right.

I mean, those were concert baking torches there.

Well, hell, yeah.

Here, the cheap ones you get

and the gas station, they're like 50 cents.

Those are the ones that have

the best flame. They have a flame that if you

put it on high, it'll burn your face off.

That's the best. I learned

for a while. Those are pretty good, too.

The best lighter to use to smoke

is the cheapest one sometimes because

those things are huge.

Those are good.

I use those all the time whenever I would

smoke and towards the end there.

Originally, them damn cricket lighters, dude,

you'd hold that thing about a foot

away from the ball.

yeah or not i mean it would burn the screen out i mean it'd melt the metal

it just smoked the wood i mean it was fun as hell man then you know you could take

like a bug and fly by it you could take like

try and down the bug in one torch flame man it was like you know vietnam

vietnam fucking napalm game over man well um i want to speak in a week um yeah

Speaking of weed, I read an article today that the state of Washington, they just announced

that the number eight produce there is marijuana for the state of Washington.

And the illegal crop marijuana is the...

Oh, Washington's big, dude.

Yeah.

And Oregon, too.

Oregon and Washington, because those northern states up there do really well with it for

some reason.

They're close to Canada.

Well, it's because it's so wilderness.

There's such a wilderness area.

Man, I used to, when I was working as a solar manufacturing company,

I was the head of quality control.

And what we did was we had people we provided these units with all around the world.

And there was people out in Oregon and Washington, dude, that would call me.

And I'd talk to them because I was, like, in charge of all the international repairs and stuff.

And there was people that lived out there in the middle of nowhere

with just solar panels and batteries and growing and growing crazy

and telling me all this shit on the phone, you know.

like oh hell yeah there's nobody around here for 25 miles from where i'm at buddy oh shit

there's no problem there that's awesome man yeah i know kentucky's really i know uh is it

kentucky i think is really big on that too they have a really big but it's become like a war out

there i mean i mean i read an article once about how serious these people take their weed crops

and and fucking like the local police is all militarized and stuff with helicopters and

flying in and operations

and god damn it man it's sad

it's sad to think all

the good things we could do with that money that they used

to fight this war on drugs which is like

a lost war

it's not a war

it's just a way to

create to have more

revenue generated for the government

to blow dude because they're in on it

they're in on the whole thing man

without

being drugs and they could

no longer justify

Sanctify all the big money, keep the prisons open and stuff.

Exactly.

It's all about prison systems and punishing people forever, dude.

It's not about reform, man.

I'll tell you what, I was in court once for a bounce check and I sat there and I'll tell

you what, I would say a good 75 to 80% of the cases there before I went up to take care

of my case were marijuana charges, small amounts, and they were making fistfuls of money for

I mean, I would say $500, $600 that, you know, and fines and fees and court fees and all this shit.

Not counting the money that they were making these small independent companies for these drug rehabilitation programs that they would do as part of the sentence.

You know, they call it pre-trial intervention where you have to pay $150 to this company to take four classes on drugs and stuff.

drug education and why it's so bad you know in order for and they would do that instead of you

know putting something on your record if it was your first offense so pretty much anybody who has

a first offense in florida for for possession of it could be a small amount of weed it could be

like a dime or something less than that you're going to be spending 700 800 most of which is

going to the to the to the city or the county or the state where you got arrested in and on top of

that you gotta you know you're you're paying money to um to some company out there to to give you

some bullshit class so i mean don't you have to do like community services in the end no i don't

know now i think if it's your second offense i think i don't know how it really works like

i had i got i got in trouble once for possession but i actually got a lawyer i got i paid money

for a lawyer instead and he got it wiped off completely he said you're not even gonna it's

not even it doesn't show up as that in my record it shows up as um disorderly conduct or some shit

like that and i think he's getting disorderly man with the lefty well that's what he said

they said we'll just consider you're not behaving and i didn't even plead guilty to it i was found

not guilty of disorderly conduct i mean it cost me in the end it cost me about a thousand dollars

but i don't have a blemish on my record so hey dude that's it man you know the way it's just

it's really like i said it's a lot of politics it's a lot of saber rattling dude because you

know all they're doing is trying to ruin lives with something that's been going on for hundreds

You know, this was originally, man, a crop that used to make sails out of, in the boats, in the ropes.

Yeah, rope and hemp and stuff like that.

Parchment.

Yeah, of course, man, of course.

And just people, you know, people would take the flower part of it and, you know, and it had like, had a chemical effect.

It had like a drug-like effect of it.

And that's how they actually started developing it from the rope and making the flowers popular.

And then that's where it got turned around to, you know,

when people were smoking and getting a little fuzz.

It's like they've been doing this for, they started Prohibition in the 30s,

and they couldn't get rid of alcohol, but they got rid of marijuana.

Up until the 30s, dude, they were, like, giving you seeds to go out and grow, man.

There's still stands of wild stuff that grows, you know, in different parts of the country, man.

Just from leftover from, you know, earlier in the century

from when they were actually, you know, subsidized.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, well, they used to blame it on Mexican immigrants.

You know, that was, you know, oh, they're bringing it in and it causes them to be violent and stuff.

You know what I mean?

It's like, come on, man.

Movie doesn't make anybody violent, man.

If anything, it makes you want to stay.

It makes you scared of stuff.

The chemical pesticide, herbicide people in business, they had the big paraquat scares of the 80s and late 70s.

Man, oh, God, paraquat.

Oh, they're spraying it on, you know, on weed, marijuana and stuff.

And then it's come across the border, and they did it.

So everybody was freaking out back then, too.

Man, we'd get sacks, dude.

Listen to this shit, man.

I got a sack, a whole ounce.

You could not, okay, the alligator bag.

It's like the sandwich bags you see that flip over now.

Yeah.

But they were kind of like pleated.

They had these like squares that kind of looked like alligator skin.

Okay.

I don't even know what they make them.

They're called alligator bags.

But they'd fill that sucker all the way up to the top,

and you could not flip the lid over over top of it if you if you couldn't flip the lid if you

could flip the lid over top you didn't have an ounce okay those for 30 bucks no fucking way

dude we used to man take our school lunch money five of us and get a quarter and i could roll

and i could roll a whole quarter in one joint and the thing it looked like a cheech and chong

with the left yes about the size about the size of a freaking uh toilet roll thing almost man you

You know, the holder, the real holder, man.

Yeah.

I can roll like you can't believe it.

I can roll a straight, straight fatty, man.

Yeah.

That's a whole quarter, man, in one drop, man.

Then we'd take a roll up the windows as tight as we could,

turn on ACDC or whatever, you know.

man.

Roll up the windows, man.

Have a big fog out, man.

Hell, yeah, man.

That must have been a great time, man, to be alive.

Dang, man.

We'd have to up the windows, dude, because you couldn't see.

I mean, it would be so bad.

I'd be in the driver's seat.

There would be so much smoke, man.

I am smoking a quarter in like 15 minutes in one joint.

And I couldn't see through the glass out in front of me, dude.

I was like, God damn, I can't see from that high.

No, man, there's that much smoke.

We roll out on the windows, it gets come blowing out like Cheech and Chong.

Yeah, good time.

It's a shame.

Anyway, you know, I was actually watching Frontline,

and they were showing crystal meth and how it's made.

And, you know, the ingredients to make crystal meth have been, you know,

they're super controlled in the united states now like you can't buy what what is it guy i forget

the name of the the fucking ephedrine is it ephedrine suit uh suit uh suit for uh it's not

what is it yeah super suda ephedrine yeah suda ephedrine you used to be able to get that

ephedrine's gone i guess it's interchangeable with the suit of feds but what they're explaining

is that these uh the pharmaceutical companies are making money hand and fist like crazy um

selling this stuff to people to make illegal drugs.

And the only reason that they can't make it illegal to obtain it so easy

is because the prescription companies don't want to make it hard for people to get it.

At the same time, they're making billions of dollars a year

providing to these huge drug lords and stuff in South America

who are making this crystal meth and bringing it over to America.

It's really crazy, man.

They were showing it's such a big industry, such a big business,

isn't and it's all corporations that are kind of controlling it kind of thing you know it's just

like it's just a big horse shit race man everybody's throwing out the bull so that they can

keep their own little money pockets lined up prison people in business keep the fucking drug

manufacturers in business you know keep the the nsa and the ci and everybody and all their legal

shit has been going on for all these dozens of years well i'm in the i'm in i'm in the belief

that the drug companies and

the pharmaceutical companies is a bunch of shit.

I hope one day it all comes down

on them.

There is one good thing about it.

They do produce some

things that have been

beneficial to mankind, but the thing

is that we as

Americans are paying for all

of this shit.

Advertisement and everything.

You go to Canada and they're paying

25% of what we are paying

for the same shit.

and you go over there and it's identical

same stuff, man. It's just

because it was sold in Canada

that Canada said, you know, we ain't paying

all this damn high jack-up price.

You just give us the shit or we ain't buying.

Exactly. And they had no choice.

You know, a lot of that shit's made right here

in Puerto Rico, dude. Yeah, I know. The Pfizer's

out there in Puerto Rico and stuff. Oh, dude, they've

got like a whole

row of just, you know, of all the different

companies, pharmaceutical companies,

representatives, about 20 different companies.

My uncle does quality. Pfizer,

lacks... My uncle does quality control

for Pfizer. Roche. Roche.

My dad... My uncle used to work for Roche. He works

for Pfizer now. He does quality control

on the Viagra line, I believe it is.

I believe he's in charge of quality control for

Viagra in the

plant over there in Puerto Rico. I believe that's

what it is. God damn it.

So...

Yeah, that's good.

He's definitely keeping

the quality up there.

You know, I took

few times you know i went to my doctor and for the hell that i said yeah i'm having trouble you

know because i wanted to see if he'd prescribe it for me he's like okay we'll tell you what um

i'll give you the sample and if you like it i'll keep you know prescribing it's like okay good you

know it was embarrassing to tell him that but i was actually lying i just wanted to get my hands

on viagra just check it out and i'll tell you what i felt like superman it was great i had a

great time i had a great time that was one of the first times that i was actually with athena

actually and she was like wow i'll say it was great yeah it's not like a magical pill like

Like, you don't just take Viagra and all of a sudden you're hard.

It isn't like the boner pill.

It takes, like, what, like a half hour or something like that?

It takes a half hour, but then you have to be stimulated.

You can't just sit there and you're not going to get hard on it.

You know what I mean?

You've got to be, you know, in the mood.

Let me turn this music on.

Let me turn this on.

You know, there is a lot of natural sources of stuff.

You know, like, I have concentrated over the many years of all my NASCOs and all that stuff.

And I found a lot of natural sources, dude.

Like I said, I've never needed the Viagra or even really wanted to get it

because I've got stuff that I can get right here off the shelf that make it like a steel rod.

I used to tell my ex-girlfriend, I said, man, this thing is like hard as a glass diamond cutter.

I have a glass cutter.

Really?

You can do chin-ups on it.

Wow, that's always a good thing.

Yeah, so I use natural stuff if I need any of that, really.

If you need it, if I were to need it, yeah.

But the thing is, man, I mean, this is like, you know, that's just if I just want to go on all night, you know, like have a special all-night party.

I'll tell you what, back in the day, man, man, shrooms and vitamin A, oh, my God, dude, man.

I mean, I could be riding on that son of a bitch till the next day, man.

Okay.

I mean, it would just be day and night rolling, man.

Oh, my God, the room's spinning around, man, and it just wouldn't go down.

It's over and over and over.

Bam, bam.

Sounds like a party.

It's the good stuff.

That's the good stuff right there.

When it keeps going.

Yes, sir, buddy.

It feels like the room is spinning around and the bed is spinning around and hitting you.

Instead of, you know, you're spinning around.

It feels like everything's spinning around and crashing into you, man.

It's just like, it's incredible, man, when you're with a lady, man, like that.

Awesome.

Okay, maybe we should get to prank calls here.

We've been bullshitting.

Oh, okay.

Hey, you know what?

I've got a recommendation from one of our favorite listeners here, man.

He says, hi, call Tim Scherche.

New, new.

Yeah, he sent me the – he said he's getting upset because if we don't call him soon, he's going to leave work.

All right, new, new.

All right, new, new, you ass.

Bloody sir, new, new.

Yeah, let's see here.

I got his number here.

Tim Searcy, Carl Jacobs, or Bill Morris over at the ATA.

So, yeah.

Okay.

Let's see if I can reach him.

Yes, he's telling you to check your IMs too.

Yeah, estimated profit sent me some information.

We got some stuff.

And Lonesome Loser is – I have a ton of stuff from Lonesome Loser.

He started confirming early today.

so that's awesome i got the weed man weed doctor fat punks restaurant uh american goat society

okay um the tug bar and liquor store holy jeez i got a lot of stuff here dukes three

gangsta inc africana soul food restaurant among others i'm i'm doing the highlights here grits bar

grits and groceries grits and groceries nice we got a few fedexes

Let's try to give our old boy

Tim Searcy a call at work

See if I can get him to pick up

I thought it was his wife's birthday

Or something coming up

In your birthday and his wife

On the same birthday or something

My birthday's on the 20th

No, Nunu said that hers is coming up soon

Let's try to

I thought it was Nunu

But somebody, I don't remember

Printing in the chat

Y'all's birthday's on the same day

Or almost the same day

I don't know.

All right, well, let me try to call Tim Sears here, everybody.

Hang on, folks.

All right.

Reach out and do some tests.

Twenty-nine seconds.

It's good to hear that lady again.

It's been a while.

Yeah.

I miss her.

She's a bitch.

Yeah, she can be a bitch sometimes.

Thank you for calling the ATA.

This is Andrew.

How can I help you?

Yeah, may I have extension 103, please?

May I tell him who's calling?

Yes, my name is Carlito Bergante.

One moment.

You know, I got a list here of fake names I came up with this week.

Hi, it's the office of Tim Searcy.

I will be out of the office February 19th, 20th, and 21st

and will not have immediate access to voicemail.

Oh, fuck you.

If you'd like to reach me by...

Jesus.

Enter password.

What a douche.

Password.

Enter the mailbox number of the person you are trying to reach.

Press zero for the operator.

Press stop.

Check your information and call back.

Oh, fuck you.

Oh, what a punk.

You know, I heard he's going to the big telemarketer's homosexual convention.

And Tim Searcy and Jack Valenti and all those puffers, you know,

have helped to make the profitable dildo market and butt plug market thrive.

I think they're going to the convention this weekend.

That's what I heard.

Is that what it is?

That's why they're going to be able to reach voicemail.

They're going to be, uh, uh, uh.

Apparently.

Jeez.

I guess so.

Look, man, you went a little crazy with that.

Hang on, I'm calling back right now.

I'm going to see if I can get a hold of one of these other cats over there.

Too long.

Hey, this is Brianna. How can I help you?

Yes, I need to speak with either Carl Jacobs or Mr. Bill Morris, please.

Carl is away from his desk at the moment.

Can I put you through to his voicemail?

Uh, what about Mr. Morris?

He's also away.

Away as in gone for the day or just away from the office right now?

What's going on?

As in gone for the day.

Oh, then why didn't you say that from the beginning?

Um, it's just our internal policy that we just say that they're away from the desk.

Did I ask about your...

Can I speak with your supervisor, please?

If you can give me your question, I'd be happy to direct you to the best person who's in the office at the moment.

Did I say I had a question for you?

I'm sorry, sir. I don't understand what you're asking.

It's a personal matter to speak with either Mr. Jacobs or Mr. Morris,

and you actually have me rather upset with the way you're treating me,

and you're being very condescending, talking down to me, and I think a bit racist.

If you can hang on for just one moment, I will see if I can transfer you.

Make it so.

Engage.

So you estimate a profit sending me a number here as well.

The hell was that?

I think I got a little connection mishap, bro.

I don't know.

Damn.

Something was out of the way.

Holy shit.

Whoa.

I'm farting.

Damn, I'm glad the fan's running.

I guess so.

Got a little feedback there.

A little feedback.

Woo!

That was a dedication there to Tim Searcy.

Yeah, I guess it's too late.

We'll have to try his cell phone later then.

All the markers at the ATF.

Yeah, Nunu, try to get me that guy's cell phone when you get a chance.

If you're out there listening still.

I guess we waited too long.

So, yeah, we started.

He sees you listening, man.

He says, laugh out loud, man.

All right, good.

Send it in, Nuno.

Send it in, bro.

I'll give him a call at home or on the cell.

That's right, man.

I got plenty of gas to man save.

Yeah, you got plenty of gas.

I'll try to save up some gas for myself.

Okay, we got a request from Estimated Profit to call some chick named Katrina who does mad drugs, coke, and weed.

Anything she can get.

He says that I should say that I'm an old friend of Mike, and I should just mess with her, so, yeah.

Let's do that.

I'm going to try to find this song here that I usually play on my second call.

I forgot the name of it.

Here we are.

Okay, we'll try that right now.

We're going to call Christina the co-cat.

Super break, super breakin' now.

You said it.

You said it, boy.

Hang on, folks.

Hour, two, minute, twenty-nine seconds.

Yeah, I got it, too.

This bitch ain't answering.

Hello, no one is available to take your call.

You have $4.80.

Let me try it one more time.

No, dude, don't hit down.

You need to start counting numbers now.

1, 1, 1, 1, 2, 3, 2, 3, 4, 4, 5, 6.

Yeah.

Your current balance will allow you to talk for 8 hours, 1 minute, 29 seconds.

Trina.

It's a nasty name, isn't it?

I think she's also in attendance at that dildo convention.

I think she's going to be demonstrating some of the models.

I'll take some ecstasy from a doubleheader.

Doubleheader ass to ass.

Well, she's not answering.

Damn it, man.

Okay, we'll move on.

Give me a big black snake, Gary.

No, you stick me, honey.

Well, that's a sick.

We didn't ask for that.

Let me try to call Tim Searcy on his cell phone.

Yay.

He can't hear me, though, can he?

Nope, he can't.

I'm sorry.

I was going to say, because I was going to blow him a great big chocolate kiss.

That'd be great.

He's not going to hear it.

Sorry.

I'm going to shit on the microphone for now.

Nine seconds.

enter your passcode then press pound three four it's not a valid passcode please enter your

passcode then press pound we'll just hit random numbers sorry five six five five six is not a

valid passcode it didn't even ring he must be on the phone i'll try to call him later again too

give me give me a moment on that the thing shut off or stuck up his ass right now because he's

busy yeah i heard he's i heard he's also going to be um demonstrating the new ky and he just

rub it, and it starts to get hot.

Ooh, nice. The warming one?

Yeah.

That tastes good, too, that KY.

Okay, I've got

a bunch of numbers. We also got this one

now that they're going to be using for

some of these telemarketers, man.

The frozen anus version, man. You rub it all

over your butt and it makes your ass

freeze up, you know, so that way

you can keep on doing your calls.

Okay, alright.

That doesn't make much

sense, but I'll take your word

for it okay let's try to call let's try to call we got weed man weed man the weed doctor weed

doctor fat punk's restaurant we can try that harry's sweatshop there we go we'll try calling

harry's sweatshop in illinois yeah all right hang on folks let's try that now we'll get a

prank call working here any second they should they should make a hemorrhoid commercial with

that song hey how you doing this is harry no it's not sir who am i speaking with my name is keith

Are you in charge of hiring?

I actually own the store, sir.

You own the store, so there's no Harry involved then?

No, sir.

Well, that's good. I don't like Harry that much anyway, but regardless,

I got a truck full of Chinese people here looking for some job,

and I see you guys are a sweatshop. I thought maybe you guys would be interested.

No, don't use them, sir.

You don't like Chinese people? What's the matter with you?

What, you stick with Mexicans or something?

No.

That's kind of racist, don't you think?

It's a family business.

So you have your family working in a sweatshop?

Yes, sir.

What kind of sick person are you?

You make your family sweat labor?

We have a truckload of bean enchiladas, too, if you'd like that.

Beer.

Freak.

I spilled my beer.

What a bastard, that guy.

He's got a sweatshop and he makes his...

I'm going to try to call him back.

I'm going to try to call that asshole back.

He deserves it.

Hey, call up, like, a Chinese guy or a Mexican.

I should call him for some money.

Yeah.

This guy's looking for work.

Ching-chong-chong-chong.

Yeah.

I'm going to do the Bruno Vega.

Seventy-nine-ten.

Enter your destination number now.

Balance will allow you to talk for 7 hours, 50, 9 minutes, 20, 9 seconds.

What's up? Can I help you?

Hey, how you doing, Harry? Harry, why'd you hang up on me?

First of all, my name's not Harry, sir, and what can I do to help you?

Look, I need to find out, number one, Keith, Jim, Bob, whatever your name is,

what type of man in America would dare run a sweatshop right under our noses here?

First of all, it's not a sweatshop. That's just the name of the store.

are you working? What's the name of your... What did you say when you picked up the phone

right now? That's the name of the store, sir. It's a retail store. Oh, so do you provide

clothes for, like, Walmart or Kmart or something really cheap? No, I provide clothes for individuals

that come in and buy them for me. Under slave labor. Under slave labor. No, I don't have

any slave labor. Then why do you call this workshop? I don't have time for your bullshit.

Call somebody else. Listen, you little cock. The camel had her fingers sewed together when

they were trying to make some dresses

back in the 30s.

I love how I just, I knew it was going to get

if I called him Harry again.

Didn't you have a daughter who came out to be a

crab girl?

I don't know, I guess, I should call him

back later and be like, so is Harry your boyfriend

or your lover, your partner

shall we say?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was funny.

That was kind of good.

Finally, about time.

He was bitched.

Okay, so

who can we call next?

What do I got going on here?

The American Goat Society.

Somebody keeps sending it.

Call Christina again.

They told me to hold off on her for a while.

Alright, I'll try her again.

Save her.

Prank Christina and say you're at the rain

last night. I bet she was there.

And now they're pumping the names up

and their number in the room.

And now they're putting their phone number in the room.

I agree. That's the way the prophets should know better than that.

but oh yeah yeah that's yeah that's nice improper as hell but i guess a birthday boy here let it

slide for the birthday boy okay all right let me let me try it again let me try this guy

this girl i guess like i said if the machine comes on dude start hitting like two three four

four five six one two three any of them that are straight line in a row on the number pad

one of them will usually work okay all right well i'll try that hang on folks let's try that

that right now.

Estimated profit's

going crazy in the

channel.

Yeah, I can see

that.

Can I speak with

Christina, please?

She's not home.

May I take a

message?

No, you can't.

Can you tell me

where she is?

Excuse me?

Is she wearing

that sexy dresser

that she had on

the other night

again?

Who are you

looking for?

Christina.

Who is this?

This is Ace

Freely.

Ace Freely?

Is she going to be

back anytime soon?

Because I really need

to talk.

I got squeezed

one off really bad.

Unless you can talk

to me, you know?

All right,

Christina.

I guess the rain

turning into a storm cloud there with Mammy.

I guess so.

I got a little dirty there with Mammy.

Sorry.

Mamma Jamba.

Yeah.

I guess she ain't going to answer there.

Should I try calling that other number we had?

That was the number in the chat room.

I guess that's her home number.

That must have been the home number.

Well, okay, it was the answer machine before,

so maybe that was, yeah, maybe Mammy had just got home.

I guess.

No, no, no, that was a different number we called this time, though.

Oh, okay.

I'll try one more time with that other number.

And then we'll move on.

I thought you needed a hand to do this

Exactly

I do it

It's been gone for a long time

Yeah

Get your bollocks off

29 seconds

Damn it

Your destination number

You're screwed

We'll try moonshine liquor

Hey man

Oh man

I'm gonna invite our friend

You got the 800 line

We'll allow you to talk for

The 800 line

7 hours

The 809 lumber

56 minutes

29 seconds

I haven't turned it on yet

But I will

moonshine this is rob moonshine great that's exactly what i'm looking for what

you guys got some stills out there some what stills stills yeah i'm not sure what you mean

by that well that's how you make moonshine dude oh i just moved out here to colorado from from

the hills north carolina right on can't find any moonshine out here man and the good old boys don't

live out here you know so i hear you there so you got that mash you got that corn mash we uh some

Some corn mash.

I do believe we have some corn mash.

Let me go check for you, though.

All right, hurry up.

I'm going to eat honey after this, Dave.

Hey, bud, carry a corn mash here.

No corn mash.

I'm looking for moonshine, man.

Oh, moonshine.

Hillbilly liquor.

I wish we had it.

You don't have moonshine.

Yes, there is, Everclear.

Well, that sounds like a bunch of crap to me.

Why are you guys going to go around saying you're moonshine liquor and don't have any moonshine?

I could tell you, man.

I didn't name it.

Do they sell copper tubing?

Not here.

Who's there?

Who else were you talking to, then?

That was B. Butch.

She doesn't leave my co-worker.

I'm going to talk to Butch real quick.

Okay, here he is.

All right.

Put his ass on the phone.

Butch, can I help you?

Hey, Butch, this is Bo.

What's that?

This is Bo Steen.

You're cutting out bad.

I said this is Bo Steen, Butch.

Can you hear me yet?

No.

What do you mean, no, you asshole?

Come on.

What do you need?

Well, either I need some moonshine or I need some copper tubing or something like that.

We're going to make some moonshine.

Going to make some moonshine?

Yeah.

That sounds good.

All right, so you got some copper tubing or you're going to hook me up with the moonshine?

What's your story?

No, wait, the guy I'm just talking to now, that racist guy, just said you didn't have any moonshine, so now you do?

He said that he asked me for a sour mash beer.

Well, he's a moron, isn't he?

We've got some Platte Valley whiskey here.

Well, he sounds like some kind of hippie faggot to me.

Pardon?

What's that kid's name, that hippie faggot that you had on the phone there a second ago?

Rob.

Do you like that kid, or do you just deal with him because he works there?

He works here.

So you don't like him that much, right?

No, he's a good kid.

He was kind of coming on to me on the phone, though.

I don't know about that.

I don't swing that way, you know?

Is that right?

Yeah, he was. He asked me how big it was down there. You know what that means, right?

Yeah.

So a name like Butch, are you compensating for something?

Am I what?

Are you compensating for something?

Nope, I'm just mean.

Because I think I'd go over there and kick your ass. I don't think you're that mean at all. You're laughing and stuff. I mean, you're going to be Butch, you've got to be Butch on the phone.

Right.

Yeah, the only kind of Butch I'm afraid of is a Butch woman.

What's that?

I said the only kind of Butch I'm afraid of is a Butch woman.

Yeah, me too.

So you're a Butch man.

Right.

You know, most men are Butch.

Most men are born Butch from the beginning.

So, I mean, if you have to add that part.

What's your real name anyway?

Is it Buddy or something like that?

No, it's Butch.

Your real name is Butch.

Your father actually named you that.

So you came out.

Did you, like, tear your mom's vagina up or something?

and then he called you bush or something what's that did you tear your mom's vagina up when you

were born is that why he called you butch no okay well what's the story behind butch was that your

dad's name also no they just named me that how old are you do you need something yeah how big

is your penis hey turn on 800 number okay that's if i want to call and look at your g-talk all

right yeah so i'm gonna turn on the toll-free line if you're interested in knowing what the

letter letter guest caller call first all right well never mind don't call on you bastard turn

Turn it on in a second.

You said, look at my G-Tuck to see who wants to call in.

Yeah.

Oh, cool.

Scott's going to call in.

Yay.

What's he up to, man?

I haven't heard, well, because Lego's been gone.

Dude, he's talking dope with me, man.

We're sitting here joking now, man.

Yeah?

Okay.

Yeah, we're talking Rostich here, man, you know.

Yeah, man.

Give me the speef, man.

You don't get to fight me, shit-ass.

Well.

It says it's busy.

Yeah.

We'll see if we get a load done on whether or not Lego's ever going to come back, do

a show or not.

You talked to him the other day, though, right?

It says Beasley.

You putting the call on the home number?

No.

Hang on.

It's almost enabled.

Hang on.

And now it's enabled.

So let him know to call.

And I'll stay off the phone until then.

So we'll wait for Great Scott.

That's Great Scott, right?

That's who's calling in?

Yay!

Great Scott, man!

Yay.

Yay for Great Scott, man.

Awesome.

Yay!

Y'all rushed it, brother.

I gotta find someone.

Uh-oh.

That must be him.

He doesn't wait at all.

Great Scott.

Ah, shit.

I don't have the phone set up for inbound calls yet.

You're in the madhouse.

Go ahead.

Yeah, so, Wogwon.

Wogwon, how you doing, my friend?

What's up, Great Scott?

Yeah, man.

I'm just saying cool, man.

Ah, well, that's good, man.

You've been missing for a while.

You and Lego, you know, your boyfriend and stuff.

What's been going on?

What's good, man?

You still in Florida or what?

What's the story?

What did I say I was listening, man?

Huh?

I didn't know what you were saying.

Repeat what you said again.

No, they said you've been out of action.

You and Lego have been out of action.

So, you know, just curious if you guys are coming back.

You talk to him about a return to the airwaves or what's been going on.

No, man, I don't know what you're doing, you know.

I'm still a fan.

I know.

You're not in charge of him.

Well, it's good to talk to you, man.

What you been up to lately?

You been in the Caribbean or you been in Florida or what's your story now?

I've been traveling all around, you know.

International travel man, huh?

Yeah, man.

Yeah.

What kind of work do you do anyway?

You just hang out with chicks and stuff or you got like a security job?

Dude, you're skilled.

No, man, they're just under our chief.

That's the job I want

Hey, let me ask you real quick

Speaking of spliffs

I gotta pass a drug test on Monday

You got any pointers for me?

Anything I should be doing?

Because I, you know, I talk out like every day

All day, every day

Come on

You need to back off

Yeah, I know

Still, man

I mean, I gotta do something, man

You know, I can't get it out of me like that

I'm gonna have a good five days of not smoking

Before this drug test

Or I'm not gonna get this new job I found

I don't know, you know. Don't smoke the Jamaican or smoke the U.S. blue shit, though.

It's too late for that shit, man.

I always buy the cheap non-strong shit anyway, so it doesn't really matter, so...

Anyway, so check this out, man. I've got the... You wanna do a prank call or do they catch you at a bad time?

No, man. Depends on what y'all want to do.

I've got the Africana Soul Food Restaurant in Jamaica, Queens here, if you like to call them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where y'all want me to tell them?

Yeah, tell me you want a roti.

They can ask Mr. Cosmic that off the plane.

They took it from me.

I want to know if you can link up and give me a little something.

There you go.

Exactly.

Doug Van Sane should ask for some roti or something like that.

There you go.

Roti, that sounds nasty, though.

God, I would never touch that.

Yeah, if you know I can, you can give me a little herb.

Yeah, all right.

There you go.

Jerk chicken, my son.

Jerk chicken.

You can't put me through.

Okay, cool.

Well, hang on, buddy.

We'll do that right now, all right?

Yeah, man.

All right, well, hang on, everybody.

buddy we have uh great scott on the line all right back in just one moment that's right i

represented out of jamaica tried to date but a year to make love she wanted you to wait let me

tell you a story in my situation i was talking to this girl from the u.s nation the way that i met

her was on tour at a concert she had long hair and a short miniskirt i just got on stage dripping

pouring with sweat i was walking through the crowd and guess who i met i whispered in the

Come to the picture booth so I can ask you some questions

And see if you're 100 proof

47 hours, 47 minutes, 29 seconds

All right, you there?

Scott.

Hi, look low.

Can I know if you have some jerk chicken?

Chicken? Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on a minute.

Jamaican restaurant, ma'am, yes?

Oh, this is an African restaurant.

Hold on.

It's not Jamaican?

Hello?

That's not a Jamaican restaurant?

No.

I don't sell jerk chicken?

No, we don't have jerk chicken.

What do you have?

Can you make me some jerk chicken?

We don't make jerk chicken.

What kind of food do you have?

African food.

Can you tell me what it is?

The mayor don't know that.

Um, hold on, hold on.

Yeah, hello?

That's some bean and jerk cakes.

Hello?

You there?

Yeah, hello.

Yeah, man, you can tell me about the African food.

Uh, well, we got some, like, chicken, some fried rice, you know, stewed rice.

We got white rice and all that.

Uh, we got some, like, you know food they call yum?

Yeah, man.

It sounds to me like some southern, regular, American food.

It doesn't sound like no African food, chicken, chicken and rice.

No, no, no.

It's got some special American soup, man.

It's made differently, though, you know.

It's made differently, you know.

It's African, man.

I don't eat, come on.

You're a restaurant?

Yeah, man.

That's my roots.

We want to go back to Africa, man, you know.

That's the stuff, man.

This is the place.

This is the right place for you to be.

And, you know, it's a little bit hot, too, like with pepper and all that, you know.

Do you have any Ital food?

Do you know what Ital food is?

Sorry?

Do you know what Ital food is?

What?

You know, just some thing, you know.

Just come over, man.

Come over.

That's all I can say.

You know what I'm saying?

We've got all different kinds of African food.

Come on, we even got fufu.

Fufu, you eat with your fingers, man.

Real African, man.

That is stuff.

This is tough, this is tough.

Let me ask you something.

We just came from Jamaica.

This is tough, this is tough.

I'm about three weeks now.

Me and my sister are about three weeks.

We're about three weeks now on time.

There's a little problem.

We can't find no herb anyway.

You know, I can get some herb.

Dude, no, no, no, no.

No, no.

I don't know.

But, you know, just, you know this place, come over, man.

I'm busy now, man.

I got a little thing to take care of, right?

Yeah, yeah, man.

This, man, one, one, one.

I'm out.

Your destination number.

What the hell?

We're out to go get some African food, man.

What's so African about that?

though. Fried rice. I want a leg of elephant.

Fried rice and chicken.

Call him up with your regular voice

and mess with him. Okay.

I'm bugging him out. I gotta get it.

Ask him if he got elephant leg.

Elephant leg.

See if I can get him still. I want elephant knuckles.

You want to stand in line, Scott, or you want to

hang out? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We'll do another call

with Scott. Hang on. I got a few ideas

for these people. See how it planes out.

Yeah. Like call a place that has

dope and language.

There's a place called Gangsta Inc. in Kissimmee, Florida, which is right down from here.

That's funny.

It's always fun.

Scott.

Good.

Any second now, folks.

Thirty-eight minutes, twenty-nine seconds.

Yeah, how you doing there?

This is the African food restaurant?

Yes.

Right.

You're all over there in Queens, right?

Yes, in Queens, in Libati.

Beautiful.

So, what kind of African food you got there?

You got the fried chicken?

Yes.

Oh, you got some, what kind of desserts there?

Okay.

Yeah, hey, my name is, uh, my name's Otis.

Hello?

Yeah, you guys have desserts there, African desserts?

No, no.

You don't have any high nigger pie?

No, no, no.

No high nigger pie, huh?

No, no, man.

Oh, what do you got there for my sweet tooth?

You got any elephant foot or anything like that?

No, no, no, we don't do that, man.

We don't eat African food, man.

You got any pork?

No, man.

How about giraffe, man?

No.

How about giraffe, man?

Am I not welcome in there?

Is that what you're trying to say?

No, man.

We don't sell those foods, man.

We sell, like, rice, beans, yum, you know, some African soup and all that.

And that's a lot of buffalo.

African soup.

What's in your African soup?

Elephant?

You got a giraffe in there?

Yeah, we got all of that stuff, man.

You don't sound very African to me.

Tiger-toothed soup.

I don't sound African to you?

No, you don't.

I'm not supposed to sound, man.

I sound like, no, no, no, no, no, or what?

No, like this.

I heard you guys had a civil war in there the other day

Sorry?

I heard you guys had a civil war in there in your restaurant the other day

No, I don't know about that

Do you have any Congonese rice in there?

No

Any South African pie?

No, we don't do South African kind of food

You're not Afro, you're ghetto food

You have a good one, man

Hey, I love you, baby.

God bless you.

All right.

God bless you.

All right, one.

One.

Bye.

Yeah, we're at Osiris Towers.

What the hell is one all about, anyway?

That's a new thing.

Those guys are full of strength, man.

I say it all the time, though.

I'm always saying one to people.

I don't even know what that one means.

Like, you know, everybody's one.

One.

Exactly.

Like, one love?

Is that what it's supposed to be, or just one?

Please enter your destination number.

Hang on, Scott.

All right.

Good deal.

You're in New York, right?

Ray, is that where you're from, or are you just there right now?

We are.

Yeah, awesome, awesome, man.

It's a good one, man.

Yeah.

Do you have any rhinos?

Who's got any cheetahs, so you got any rhinos?

Suck a cheetah's dick.

Suck a cheetah's dick, yeah.

You got any cheetahs, Dick?

You got any cheetah dick over there?

Do you have any cheetah dick soup?

Something like that.

What did I tell him?

I heard they had a civil war there the other day.

That's funny.

There's always a civil war in Africa.

It's a winter beast.

All right, man.

Well, hey, thanks, man.

Scott, it's always great talking to you, man.

man. Yeah, and

hopefully we'll hear you back on the show here

soon. Hopefully Lego gets his act together and

all that. Take care of yourself.

Alright, man.

Alright, we'll talk to you later.

Alright, one, one, one.

Sigh.

Are you farting? Is that you farting with that

nasty-ass infection fart?

Gastronomical problems that you keep having?

Yeah, it's like we got

a little bit, we got a little bit across

your experience here.

What I, I asked him for

Passing for high nigger pie.

You got any high nigger pie there?

I heard that's how you ask for weed.

You ask if they got any high nigger pie.

I was trying to hook Scott up with some herb, as he's saying.

Nice.

How about rhino nose?

Rhino nose.

God.

They were nice people there, though, but they keep passing their phone off.

It's like the lady answers and she's like.

The woman must not have known shit because she couldn't say anything.

She kept handing the phone off.

Yeah, she does no shit out there.

All she does is cook and clean the bathroom, I think.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Lonesome Leisure's sending in a lot of numbers here.

We got, oh, jeez, Joe Universal.

Joe Universal.

That's a funny-ass name.

This is Joe Universal.

Joe Universal Jamaican Restaurant.

We also have Mama Jamaica's Cafe.

We got the China King Super Buffet.

Tasty House.

We got Havasu Landing Resort and Casino.

Spa Resort Casino.

We've got Office Max, Staples, Kinko's, Best Buy, Grits and Groceries.

There we go.

Grits and Groceries Liquors.

Okay, hang on.

I'm going to give Grits and Groceries Liquor a call real quick.

All right.

Hang on.

Not too many people listening, though, man.

We've only got like 29 listeners right now.

But we're still having a good time.

Jesus Christ.

You're having a good time, that's for sure.

We've got a hell of a thunderous connection over here, man.

I think it's just like a thunderstorm passing between us.

Something's happening.

Some kind of ruptures there.

Balance will allow you to talk for 7 hours, 29 minutes, 29 seconds.

Great, great, great, ABC Star.

Uh, make up your mind.

Fuck.

You didn't even last 10 seconds, man.

You're an asshole.

Click.

I'll make up my mind, boy.

Jeez.

Asshole.

Please enter your destination number now.

Try them again.

I'll tell them I want a corn dog.

That's our weenie on the stick, you know.

This word balance will allow you to talk for 7 hours, 28 minutes, 29 seconds.

I want a grit dog.

Make me cut it, I want to tell everybody.

Grits and Groceries, ABC store.

Hey, Grits and Groceries, right, sir?

You got it.

All right.

Yes, sir.

So you're going to make up your mind or what?

Make up my mind about what?

Is it grits or is it groceries or is it liquor?

It's Grits and Groceries Liquor.

So I can go in there and get some grits right now?

You got cheese grits or ham grits or what?

We got them in the pack. You can buy them and take them home and cook them.

Fuck that shit, man. I want you to make my grits for me.

We don't make grits.

Then why you have grits in your first name, asshole?

Why you asking so damn many questions?

Because if I'm gonna drive down there and not waste my gas, I'll tell you what, gas is expensive there, old boy.

You know, I want some.

It sure is.

Yeah, well, it is. Well, shit, I think it's false advertising you say that the first thing you sell is grits.

I ain't got time to listen to all this bullshit. What you want?

How do you make grits? If I go down to get a pack of grits, you eat grits, fat boy, or what?

Yeah, I eat grits.

Alright, how am I going to make, what, I take this bag of grits and throw it in some water? How do I do it?

I don't give a damn how you make them. You can do them any way you want to.

You're a fat fucker, aren't you?

I know I ain't a fat fucker. I'm a pretty good fucker, though.

What did you just say to me?

I'm a pretty good fucker, though.

How dare you talk to me like that on the phone?

I dare you to talk to me that way.

You just said the F word. I'm just calling for some grits.

Who the hell is it?

This is Bo.

Who?

Bo. Bo Steen.

Bo Steen?

Write it down, you fat fucker. Bo Steen.

How do you know I'm a fat fucker?

Because I can hear it in your big, fat, wally-ass voice.

Your gravy chin, boy.

What can I hear in your wally-ass voice?

You hear it? Yeah, I'm a homosexual.

I hear a bunch of bullshit. That's what I hear.

I'm gonna go down there and make you eat my shit out of my ass, and it has semen mixed in it.

I got a damn 38 that says you ain't gonna make me do a damn thing.

Oh, I got you on tape threatening me. It's over. You better give me some free liquor.

You're like a piggy.

I ain't giving you shit.

Well, I'm going to go down there and give you some shit.

I'm going to punch you in the mouth, you fat redneck.

Deliverance.

No, you ain't.

I'm going to go down there.

You're going to make me some grits, and I'm going to have sex with you.

How are you going to go down there?

I ain't down there.

I'm up here.

I said down there, because I'm up here north.

I'm in New York.

Oh, who is this?

I told you.

My name is Bo Steen.

I don't know Bo Steen.

Well, I'm a good old boy from town, and I'm going to go down there.

Which town?

You're going to make me some grits.

What?

Which town?

The town that you're in, you stupid asshole, Chesterfield.

You don't even know where the hell you're at, boy?

Well, that don't make no change, ring no bell with me.

You're such a goddamn homosexual, you don't even know what town you live in anymore.

You're a damn lying son of a bitch, too.

You're a stupid cock and you're a liar.

Hey, if you don't tell me what the hell you want and what you called me for, I'm going to hang up.

I want some grits, I said.

G-R-E-T-Z.

I told you you could go to the grocery store or anywhere and get grits.

Well, I want grits from your place, because your place says grits.

I ain't going to sell you none. I don't like your attitude.

You don't even know who I am. I'm going to go down there and force you.

Well, I said I didn't know, and I'm fixing to hang up.

You don't need me to sell me no grits. You're going to make it for me for free.

Then I'm going to use it as lubrication to have anal sex with you.

No, you're not having no anal sex with me.

Yes, I am. You're going to like it, too.

It's going to be just like when your cousin was in town.

What cousin?

Your cousin. Your cousin, girlfriend, mother, sister, wife.

Walter?

Your cousin, boyfriend, mother, sister, wife, cousin.

I ain't got time for this bullshit. I'm working.

I'm going to pull all your pubic hair out and make a sandwich and make you eat it in front of me with grits.

You can go to hell, too.

You can go to hell, you damn Republican.

This is Bo Steen, I said. Bo Steen.

I don't give a damn. I don't know Bo Steen.

Why are you asking what my name is, you crack-ass crack-ass?

What's your name?

This is Bo Gritz. We lost him. We lost him.

Damn it, man!

Please enter your destination number.

I gotta call him.

That's gonna be like a buttered corn cob up his behind.

I know this is pushing it, but I'm gonna call him one more time.

Seven hours, one minute, twenty-nine seconds.

God, he's funny. This guy.

I don't know no Bo Stain.

I'm Garcia, ABC Star.

Yes, hi. I was wondering if you'd like to make a donation to the homosexual movement of South Carolina?

What did I just get through telling you?

That you wouldn't make me call back here anymore.

Look, boy, I'm going to have sex with you.

Don't call me no boy.

I ain't no boy.

I'm old enough to be your father, boy.

God, what an asshole, that guy.

I got to save that number.

That guy's funny.

Holy shit.

Milkman, are you there?

Milkman!

Damn it, man.

We lost Milkman.

All right, well, he'll come back any second now, hopefully.

Shit.

That was funny.

Well, here's what I got next.

I got the Taste of India restaurant.

Give me a second.

I'm going to get them on the line and try to get Milkman working again.

We'll be right back in just a second.

Hang on, folks.

Hey.

Hey, guy, guy.

What you saying?

Does your boat stink?

Hey, boy.

How you doing?

That guy's hilarious.

Did you hear that last call, or did you miss it?

Hey, listen here, man.

I'm going to make you squeal like a pig, man.

That was my cousin Ernest in that movie that had the liver on it.

Yeah, man.

We blurred up the corn cobs on the backside of that, boy.

Did you hear him at the end?

He's like, what did I just get through telling you, boy?

It was funny.

We have to save that guy man

We have to call that guy again

That guy is hilarious man

Oh my fucking god

He was a firecracker right there

Redneck bitch

Okay I'm getting ready to call Taste of India

It's always fun to talk to Indian people

And we have Taste of the Himalayas right after that

So hang on Milkman and hang on everybody else

We'll do your Indian accent man

Yes we do the Indian accent

Hang on folks

Yeah do your Indian accent

okay one moment please thank you come again i think we had a misfire

we'll try it again oh my god it's in a fire

another one you go four dollars twenty will allow you to talk for seven hours twenty nine

seconds oh police are out there hello fucking taste of india doesn't work hello hello yeah

how you doing there buddy very good buddy this is bostein how are you doing sir you guys here

shut up you guys are in button willow right yeah okay how many orders of do you guys do you guys

actually make fish there or do you have it made outside or something by the order inside or

outside is it so how soon you you want to eat away you like to go yes it there in there over it though

you know over inside and under it too inside and over under inside and through yeah okay is that a

problem yes sir i think there's something problem or i i i didn't hear you clearly you hear me fine

you bitch somebody say yes bitch look can you read your menu to me please come over here come

inside come over here though where you at down the street tracy avenue you have milk sperm milk

sperm, please.

Listen here, Dot Head.

I want some yak stew.

Please enter your destination number now.

Yak stew.

And his damn microphone.

The feed slot dial does not exist.

Please enter your destination number now.

Now, balance will allow you to talk for 6 hours, 50, 1 minute, 20, 9 seconds.

Hey, how you doing, stupid?

Who is this?

This is Carl.

Who are you looking for?

Stupid.

Can I make an order, please?

Sure.

All right, stupid.

What's your most popular dish there?

What's the soup of the day?

Lenten soup.

I didn't ask for the soup of the day.

What's your most popular fish there?

Fish?

Dish.

Oh, dish.

Fish, fish.

Curries or tenderies.

Yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

Is it good or is it shit?

It's very good.

Okay, so it's not dirty, right?

Do you have dirty rice?

Honey?

Do you wash your hands?

Asshole.

As usual, I'm coming off way too strong.

You're pooping my rice!

I was calling him stupid for a while there.

Hey, stupid!

What are you looking for?

Why are you being stupid?

I am not a stupid!

Do you still have Pasquale's number?

Let me see if I get into my old work database.

Don't tell anybody.

Oh, my God.

Pasquale is, like, classic.

I forgot his last name, though.

What was that guy's name?

I don't know either, but you start saying Pasquale,

and I'm like, what the fuck, man?

It's been, like, two months since I worked there.

I don't think I remember.

He had a big-ass, like, chew of tobacco, man.

Like, he had a whole cloak in one's jaw, you know?

It's like, fuck.

I don't mind.

That guy was, it was actually a white guy who called me once at work.

It was, like, a total asshole.

hole like he was a fucking he's like what are you he's like a white guy he's like what are you

so kind of retards or something like that i was like whatever man don't fuck around with me and

then at the end i think i i guess he changed his number and then i i meant to call him and it was

some cuban guy or something yeah yeah i can't get it it was classic man yeah i'm trying to reach

this uh that is a good question let me see let me see let me see it's working at all yeah these

these assholes' webpages are working.

These faggots. These faggot-ass faggots.

Hang on, I gotta try. It might be because I'm using

Firefox. I don't think their website works

with Firefox at all.

I'll keep working on that, see if I can find Pasquale.

Alright. Put that on our list, man.

What do we got, man? Let's

roll out the rest of the list we got there.

Lonesome Loser's got some good shit for us.

He's got good stuff. He does. He does. He does.

He does. He does. He does. That's right.

Okay. Joe

Universal Jamaican Restaurant. Mama

Jamaica's Cafe.

cafe. I've already read these off before. Miss Peaches Soul Food. Let's try to give

her a call. Let's see what's up with Miss Peaches. Hang on, everybody. That call's coming

up right now. Hey, Carlito, we'll give you a number. You need to call this one right

away. Call this one first. I'm going to call it now. Okay. Send it. Please enter your authorization

code now. Who is this? Oh, okay. Is he expecting a call? No, no, no, man. I think he's just

I think you'd buy it, so let's just, like, fuck with me, man.

Do something crazy.

Okay.

For $10, please enter your destination number now.

What's his real name?

Do I have to ask for Lego?

Oh, no, dude.

Peter.

It's gay.

Your current balance will allow you to talk for 6 hours, 50 minutes, 29 seconds.

The number you have dialed is not in service.

Great.

Please check the number and try again.

M-I-1-0-I-

What the hell?

That's the number he gave me, man.

Well, great job.

I've got his number.

I've got the number set up for him, actually.

Let me check if we can give you the right number.

Good job, showstopper.

I'm kidding.

Well, hell, I've got his number.

Let me get it.

I keep trying to find Pasquale in the same time.

What number was I going to call here?

Miss Peaches.

That's right.

Miss Peaches, soul food.

That was the right number.

Call the other number.

Your destination number now.

Oh, he fucked up.

I got it.

6 hours, 50 minutes, 29 seconds.

Okay.

Tell him you need a website.

I'm calling Ms. Peaches first.

It was too late.

I found Pasquale's number.

Thank you for calling Ms. Peaches.

Can I help you?

Yeah, may I speak with Ms. Peaches, please?

What can I do for you, sir?

I want to speak to Ms. Peaches.

Okay.

You're talking to the owner right now?

How can I help you, sir?

Are you not a woman, though?

Sir, how can I help you?

Are you a woman?

This is Miss Peach?

Peach is in cream.

Listen here, bitch.

Don't be hanging up now.

I'll call him later.

Do you want me to call Pasquale?

Can I try calling Pasquale first, and I'll call Dr. Lego?

Yeah, call Pasquale, and then we'll come back on the number at the same time.

Okay, we'll do that then.

Oh, and I got a third number here.

Ooh, a third number.

Yeah.

Oh, I've got four of them now.

Damn.

Four numbers.

Twenty-nine seconds.

Can I speak with Pasquale, please?

Yes, I'm speaking.

Hey, Pasquale, how you doing?

you asshole who's this my name is george and i've got a problem with you yeah what's the problem

well seems to me you came down here used our toilet you didn't flush it and now it's messed

up so toilet i never used i don't know what you're talking about you used my toilet here the

other day you son of a bitch you retard toilet my toilet my you know what describe it to me i don't

know what you're talking about i've been in the house i haven't been out oh it's been it was last

last week. No, I don't use anybody's toilet, bro. I got a good mind to go down there, Pasquale,

and punch you in the chest. For what? I don't remember. I swear on my mother. I don't know

who, what happened, what are you talking about? Well, look, your mother's here right now with

me having sex with me, and she's not very happy. My mother? Yes. My mother's dead. So

how are you going to swear on somebody who's dead? What are you, a goddamn heathen now?

Are you a Muslim? No. I don't know what you're talking about, really, man. You don't have

You don't have to talk to me like that because I'm a human being.

If I did something wrong, I would tell you.

You're not a human being in my eyes.

You're a scum, worst of the earth, piece of crap.

You listen to me.

What?

You listen to me.

Come down here.

You bring yourself a plunger and you fix this horrible mess you made.

I don't remember.

I didn't do anything.

I'm going to rip all your leg hairs out and the hair off your ass.

You come over.

I'm going to call the sheriff because I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm going to call the sheriff.

I'm a big...

I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm a big vagina. I got a big vagina.

I'm Pasquale.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't remember. I don't use anybody's toilet, man.

Well, you owe me $5 for breaking the toilet.

Breaking the toilet? What toilet?

Tell me who this is.

The white toilet. I told you already. My name is Bo Steen.

Don't know you.

Well, you do now, because you're going to come down here and fix it.

You're going to get to know me really well.

I ain't fixing nothing, because I didn't break nothing.

I don't use anybody's toilet.

Well, you came down the street. You live right next door.

You came down, you used the toilet, you took a big shit, and it's...

I took a big shit?

Yes.

Man, it wasn't me, pal.

It was not me.

You got the wrong guy.

Well, either you come down here and fix it, or I'm going to go down there and make you drink the toilet water out of your toilet.

After I take a big shit.

See if you like it.

Pal, I don't know what you're talking about.

Now you're getting...

I don't know what you're talking about.

How big is your nose?

Hey, man, I'm going to call the sheriff.

I'm not afraid of you or your mother.

Well, how big is...

I don't know what...

Hey, look, if I did something, I would tell you.

Well, you're a sinner.

I didn't use nobody's toilet.

You're a sinner.

I'm a what?

You're a sinner.

What's that?

You're a sinner.

You sin against God.

Uh-huh.

How dare you come here to this church and take a shit in the toilet?

What church?

I haven't been in a church.

Well, the pastor said he saw you.

He's got the wrong guy.

You bring the pastor here.

I haven't been in any church.

Oh, now you're going to hurt the pastor.

Bring him here.

Let him identify me.

You just threatened a man of the cloth

I didn't threaten nobody

You better confess your sins right now to the pastor

Or you're going to hell

I have a turd lineup

Enter your destination number now

I'm going to match the turd to the size of your butthole, boy

I just figured out

That's really Pasquale

So the first time I must have misdialed

And got that classic call out of someone

Who wasn't even

Who was trying to call

Holy shit, oh man, that sucks

Damn it, but that's good though

that guy gets really fired up sometimes like he called me once fired up he's like what are you

some kind of retard i was like what are you talking about man it was like 7 30 in the morning

and i just got into work and this guy just calls me he's like you people better not fuck up again

i was like what are you talking about man he's like you're a retard i was like no we don't hire

retards he's like oh you're a smart ass now man well that was the real pasquale now what are all

all these numbers you're sending me what's this all about hello hello okay just dial the first

one i sent in that group but then he i got i've got all these backup numbers now these are all

legos numbers i'm sorry i'm yawning i'm tired these are all legos numbers damn yeah these are

all these are all good numbers yeah okay yeah this man this guy is like dialed in with the number

yeah i'm gonna do i gotta take a piss though i gotta take a piss for hang on ask for peter and

Tell everyone you need to get a site.

A site?

Okay, cool.

Hang on, folks.

Nice.

Thank you.

I'm going to take a piss.

Give me like 30 seconds.

I'll be back, and we'll have Lego on the way here.

I wish you could hear this, because I would do it one step away, man.

A lot.

Yeah, that'd be great.

All right, hang on, folks.

Next call's coming right up.

Ideas.

I'm sending you the ideas.

Ideas?

Yeah.

Tell them I'm an exotic animal from Africa?

What?

That's crazy.

That's the end.

The number you have dialed is not in service.

Please set the number and...

One of these has to work for this guy.

Oh my god.

What?

He told you that he said to use this kid.

It's funny.

Check him.

Please record your...

Did that just say Abe Froman?

Yeah.

That's his name, right?

No.

No, that's one of the guys you mock all the time.

Oh, is it really?

Oh, okay.

That's right.

Yeah, I've heard him say that name before.

That's right.

Yeah, that's his character name.

So he says that on his fucking voicemail?

That's funny.

Both of those are his character names he uses.

Ape Froman.

That's right.

Yeah.

All right.

Okay, so that's two that didn't work.

I got, I guess, two left that I can try.

Ape Froman.

Actually, let's see.

There's one, two, three, four.

Yeah, I got four of them here.

You know, my cats are really happy today.

They are.

Yeah.

Athena's cats, I should say.

I guess they're mine now.

Mine are yours, too, man.

Is your cat happy and fed?

She's doing good?

Oh, hell yeah.

She is.

Oh, I'm excited, man.

All right, any second now.

Do you keep saying this is the right time?

39 minutes, 29 seconds.

Who's that?

Scott?

Yeah.

Pat and that voice ready.

That was good, man.

Oh, mashed potato, man.

Oh, God, I'm so hungry, man.

I can't stop eating.

You have reached the personal mailbox of Abe Thurman and Ned Reyers.

Please leave a message at one of the...

I don't know, dude.

He's unanswered.

Whoa.

Is that the first one there?

that's the last one actually

I tried it again

he says for you to try the one that I just

that's the one

this is the one that I keep trying

and it says it's not working but I'm going to try again

hang on, last try

well you gotta make sure you dial the last four digits right

and look at it

I always do

I never mess up

I know this number too

ok

29 seconds

I'm gonna get a phone pass, man.

I'm tired of this shit.

Please leave a message at the tone, and we'll get back to you shortly.

Have a great day.

Record your message at the tone.

When you are finished recording, press pound to cancel.

Press star.

Hey, you faggot.

Why don't you pick up the phone when I'm calling you?

I've been trying to call you, like, five different numbers all day,

and I can't reach you, so I'm so hungry.

I'm gonna go for some kidney meat, you know what I mean?

Love you, bye.

Oh, he ain't gonna answer, dude.

Yeah, all right.

He's an asshole.

I think he's out

working the plum

cunts right now

so

yeah

probably banging

the old lady

probably Kim

you know there's

video of Kim

with her titties out

at Mardi Gras

dude

really

I didn't see the

video

I definitely

like the pictures

what is his

website

soundnet.com

is that what it

is

it's

soundnet.com

forward slash

Kim

G

W

oh geez

I forget it

I had it here

the other day

what the fuck

What the fuck is this one?

What's what?

He's sending me another one.

I don't know.

This is a different one.

A different one.

Okay, here.

Oh, okay, this is a different guy.

Okay.

Yeah, oh, okay.

Okay, you got that one for King Tut in Florida?

No.

You sent me a King Tut?

Yeah.

I don't know.

Well, let me get, do you work that out?

Let me get Lonesome Losers numbers here going.

I got a Greek woman who answered here.

Yeah, we're definitely getting hit hard on it.

Yeah, maybe they're biting me.

No, I'm working out.

It's alright, no problem

Let's not got some losers here

Let's call this Greek woman who answered

At the Greek sell chicken

Oh yeah

Ask for Zorba

What the fuck is Zorba

Zorba, Athena

Call her Malaka

That's a dirty word in Greek

That's where you get a baklava

Can I get a baklava Malaka

Yo, that would be good, man

A baklava shake

Wouldn't that be good, man

Real honey, Tim.

Ooh.

I want one of those right now.

Oh, God, you're killing me.

Athena, make me a baklava shake.

Oh, Athena's not here, damn it.

She's always good for me.

Thank you for calling Resalt Chicken on Main Street.

Can I help you?

Yeah, how are you doing?

Great.

Good.

Do you have any type of desserts there?

What kind of desserts you got, shit?

The only kind of dessert that we have is chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry shakes.

We don't have any dessert, though.

You don't have any baklava?

No.

Do you have any malacca?

I don't know what that is, but we don't have any kind of dessert.

Can you ask the chef?

Do you have a Greek chef there?

No.

It's not a Greek restaurant?

Yeah, but the...

Sounds like a lie to me.

Huh?

What, are you a liar?

No.

Do you do Greeks?

But the chefs aren't Greeks.

The owner is Greek and stuff, but...

So what kind of Greek food do you have?

It's just, oh, look at me.

We have, like, salads.

We have Greek salads.

We have Greek food.

Whatever.

You know, it's a big letdown.

It's really a shame in this world

that you would advertise your Greek restaurant

and you don't have any great greek food there okay do you want to talk to somebody else yeah

i don't want to talk to you ask her if she does greek she can give you some greek you know yeah

hello i come from greece i i see here you don't have greek food you say you're greek what is the

problem we have a greek food do you have malacca no we have a euros meat we have a like greek

chicken we have a salad are you greek no i'm not greek but the restaurant is a greek food i only

I only speak to Greek people.

But right now, we don't have any Greek people.

You're a liar.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

Where are you from?

Why do you need?

I'm not from Greece, anyway.

Are you Hispanic?

No.

What country nationality are you?

You're not American.

No, I'm from Afghanistan and Turkey.

Why don't you go back?

That's not your problem.

My problem is that I don't want to speak to you.

I don't want to speak to you.

You call help.

You go help.

I was about to tell her she's really Afghanistan-y.

She should not be talking to a man on the phone.

Fuck Afghanistan.

I've been there.

Bow to me.

Fuck Afghanistan.

Right up his fucking ass.

Estimated Profit is asking me to try to call Katrina again.

I'm going to give that one more try, because so far I've been a big turd.

Yeah.

Hang on.

Just for you, Estimated Profit.

Fuck.

You're sending me a lot of numbers here.

Charlie?

Hello?

No one is available to take your call.

Please leave a message after the tone.

Estimated profit, I'm sorry, but homegirl is not going to answer, I don't think.

I'm so sorry.

But happy birthday, though, buddy.

Estimated profit gave us a number for Nikki last week.

That was really good.

That was last Friday, as a matter of fact.

Okay, so you want me to try Charlie?

This number Charlie?

Who sent this in, Scott?

Yeah.

Okay, this is...

You see the details here.

I don't know.

Scott, I hope you got a good one this time.

It says he has a gun, Glock.

Ooh, a gun.

Uh-oh.

Okay, we'll call him right now.

It will allow you to talk for six hours, twenty-seven minutes, twenty-nine seconds.

Everyday thing, it's a gangbang.

Beer number five.

Hello.

Hey, may I speak with Rob?

Charlie.

Charlie?

Yeah.

Rob!

I'm sorry, I was talking to my friend.

Charlie?

Yeah.

How you doing, boy?

You looking for some work?

Stop laughing, faggot.

Looking for some work.

Shit.

Tell him you're a hip-hopper, man.

I'm in Florida.

Well, yeah, I know.

I got my old boy here.

He needs some security work here in Florida.

I guess they used to work with you back in Louisiana,

and you laughed like a pussy and everything after the hurricane started looking to hire you up.

I got to ask you for a question.

Hold on a second.

Damn it, son of a bitch.

You're very unprofessional.

He's very unprofessional, this guy.

Hello?

Yeah.

Chuck?

Who's this?

Bo.

Steen.

You like that name or not?

Who is it?

My name is Bo Steen, and I'm looking for...

Hey, listen, we need some more.

I'm looking for someone who wants to work in security.

We have a few hip-hop artists in town.

They're going to be in Fort Lauderdale, and we're looking for someone to help us.

Do you have a permit?

Do you have a concealed weapons license or not?

Yeah, why?

Well, we need someone with a concealed weapons license.

But to be honest with you, the work is kind of dirty, you know what I mean?

Who is this?

I told you already, my name is Bosa.

You know what, I'm not going to hire you if you're going to be an idiot who's not listening.

Now, what's the deal? What is it that you do now at the King Tut exhibit?

You work for 25 cents. Rob told you to call.

So what kind of work do you do now? Are you just manning the front gate?

I mean, is it just a bunch of kids coming in?

Because we're looking for serious people.

If you're not going to be serious, you might as well just, you know,

why'd you even call me, you know what I mean?

I didn't call you.

Look, Charlie, this is your second strike.

You have one left before you don't get this job.

Rob recommended you.

Okay.

Now, my friend Rob asked me to make you a favor.

To make him a favor.

He asked me to make him a favor.

He owes me a lot of money, and he said that you could come through and do some work to cover for it.

So, there it is.

Well, I don't believe that Rob owes anybody money.

There's a lot about Rob you don't know.

I mean, he's done a lot of gambling.

I don't know if you've heard of a little thing called the Super Bowl.

But he's into me for a few grand.

Not in his lifetime.

Look, the Rob that I know, he owes me about $3,200 right now over the Super Bowl.

He paid $800 of the $4,000.

$3,200 left.

We're going to take his car.

He said to call his boy, Charlie, that you would work it off for him.

So he said he was going to call you.

Look, you want to do the job for $0.25 or not?

If it's Rob, yeah, no problem.

But you understand you're not going to get paid for this at all, right?

Right, I mean, you're going to be working off his debt.

No problem.

Okay.

So you and Rob, kind of buddy-buddy relationship there?

Kind of, is it sexual or just friendship?

It's up in the air, whatever he wants.

So you guys have actually gone down on each other?

So you're the top or bottom?

All right, who is this?

I told you, this is Bo Steen.

I'm looking for someone to do security work.

And like I said, he owes me money, so we figured we'd kill two birds with one stone.

We need a very gay-friendly security guard.

And he assured me that you'd be a great candidate for it, that you've had experience in the gay field.

Yeah, no problem.

So you are gay then, you're saying.

You're announcing here to everybody on the radio that you're a homosexual then.

Oh, jeez, Scott, I'm going to freaking kill you, moron.

What are you going to do?

Are you going to kill me, motherfucker?

Scott.

You know, you really better watch out before you start talking shit like that to me, motherfucker.

Tell him he was joking about the Super Bowl.

Yeah, the Super Bowl thing's a joke.

But seriously, who are you going to...

You said you were going to do what to me now?

Hold on a second.

Hold on, I got another call.

No, now he has another call.

But you don't want to do guard work for 25 cents?

I mean, 15 cents?

What the hell is that even?

Five dollars.

Five dollars, my God.

Is that right for 75 cents?

Damn, man, this place is stinking, boy.

50 pennies.

That's a good sign, man, if you're farting.

That means it's coming out of you.

I'll tell you what, Abituela Blanque is kicking tonight, man.

Oh, God, those white beans.

Why you got to eat white beans?

Why does it got to be?

I'm going to hang up on Chuck here.

He's a freaking moron.

All right.

so what you have white beans you're white man really navy beans is that what you ate today

ah jesus great northerns no wonder you got the farts

i'm telling you man it's just it's just just a little bit of rough weather there connection you

know yeah i hear you farting i hear you farting you're talking into that same microphone you're

farting on that's nasty i got a fan blowing man so you're still talking into your into your

your shitted microphone.

Yeah, but you got to remember,

see, I'm upwind from all the action.

No, no, no, no.

I'm on the fan side, dude.

You're taking the microphone

and putting it on your ass

and farting into it,

then you're talking right into it.

That's nasty.

That's like licking your own ass.

No, man, the wind's blowing

in the opposite direction.

I'm all right.

The microphone's right in front of your mouth,

you nasty freak.

God damn it.

Milko, what kind of computer,

what kind of process do you have

on your computer?

I got to brush my teeth after this.

How about that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You have a Pentium 3, don't you?

Is that what you run on your rig?

I got a 1400.

A 14?

Yeah, I got a Pentium 3 1400.

Seriously?

Celeron 2.

Oh, really?

You got an older computer.

It's the one that's got onboard cache.

Wow.

Yeah.

Wow, that's old, though.

Yeah, it's only 100 megahertz by slot.

Oh, jeez, man.

Really?

You're still running that?

Dude, yeah, man.

It's like, yeah, but I mean, I build it up, and it runs pretty nice.

It'll be a nice slave computer one of these days whenever I upgrade.

I'm going to do a dual processor this year.

Nice.

I want to do a dual processor Athlon.

I was looking at those.

I can build one.

They got them for sale here.

For about $500, I can get myself a brand new 400 gig hard drive.

I'm thinking maybe a little more than that.

A new dual.

And that one of those Athlon 64 dual processors and shit for about $400.

I might do that soon.

I got to get a faster computer.

You really want to focus on RAM, dude.

RAM.

Unless you're playing games, you need RAM.

For what we're doing, you need RAM.

Yeah, because you've got to have just a lot of resources.

That's why I don't do too bad, because I've got 768 megabytes.

You need, like, to run Safe Flu with that kind of PC,

you might as well get one, two gigs.

Yeah, that's true.

I mean, if I was to build a new one,

I'd probably try and max it out at four gigs.

The RAM, exactly.

I want all the RAM.

Yeah, I'm going to have to do that too, for sure.

Get memory, man.

You've got to take a little bit less muscle on the processor,

because the processor is really the only good game.

Yeah, I'm not into gaming anymore at all.

I used to be.

Dude, I don't have any games on this thing.

Yeah, the only games I really play are like RTS, like strategy games,

and it's not like I'm playing.

That's what I got PlayStation 2 for.

Yeah, I got my Xbox.

I think I'll just get an Xbox 360 here in the next few months.

Now that I got a job, I can afford stuff again.

Yay!

If I keep it.

I got PSP, I've got a couple of Nintendo 64s, I've got all kinds of damn game consoles.

You got a PSP?

I don't beat PC games.

You got a PSP, huh?

Yeah, those are freaking nice, dude.

Yeah, hell yeah, those look nice.

Uh-huh.

Excuse me while I eat my chicken.

I haven't had dinner yet.

I have a little burger with that.

I guess you really freaked out Charlie here.

You freaked out Charlie bad.

Seriously?

How do you know?

He already called Scott?

No, he's...

Yeah, I guess so.

He said he's bugging.

Oh, my God.

He didn't say nothing crazy to him.

Yeah, he said make sure you don't let him know that he gave out his number.

Oh, okay.

Well, I didn't say anything about Scott.

No, it's Rob's fault.

It's all Rob's fault.

He keeps saying, yo, that 718 number.

Who's his 718 number?

718 number?

That's funny.

Well, sorry, Scott.

We didn't knock you out, though.

Okay.

What time is it?

Dude, it's...

That's our girl, man.

Yeah, it's 630, isn't it?

We're doing okay.

I don't know.

You want to keep going or you want to?

to stretch. I've got to get a little bit of food in me.

Take a little break. Get me a drink, man.

Go water the pickle, man.

Let's do some more. I'm in the mood.

We've got a ton of numbers still

that Lonesome Loser has sent in.

Let's just go crazy.

I've got numbers from

Slang on AOL. He sent

me a number here. Oh yeah, never give up the

toll-free line. I'll get that one when I come back. We'll give out the toll-free line

and feel free to call in and shoot the shit

or prank with us. We'll open up

the floor for everybody who wants to do some pranks or some

comments. It's more than welcome.

yeah let's try to go to dad at i don't know where is he anyway i don't know he's probably

with his grandma or something he must man he must be already way down in the bottle i don't know

he must be passed out or something all right let's take a piss break and we'll be right back

let's do that well i'm not ready yet hang on uh if you want to yeah you guys want to check out

our home page of course madhouselive.com um i'll get up to i'll get to updating that one day i

promise relax i think maybe i'm gonna shit here oh nice thank you for that i'm just kidding thank

Thank you for that.

Yeah, right.

Do I have to take longer?

Do I have to take a 10-minute break now?

No, hell no, man.

This is going to be a quickie, man.

I've done our shit half of it.

Let me, between, okay, we're bros, right?

Can you tell me, have you ever taken a shit so bad that you just had to jump in the shower right afterwards?

Have you ever had that bad of a, you know what I mean?

Has that ever happened to you?

Well, I usually, I really sand the fucker down with some toilet paper before I go into shower action.

Really?

But, I mean, you never made such a nasty, nasty shit

that you actually had to just, you know, like mess.

Yeah, I've had to before, man.

Like, when I get, especially when I get sick like this,

you know, just kind of like, you know, it's like an explosion.

You know, so you got to, like, you know, just propulsive type action.

You know, you just got to go and just, you know, scour it down.

You know, it's like, kind of like, you know,

use a shower with an upright bidet action.

Nice.

That's a nice visual.

Okay.

You're getting a request here.

I want to call a Jamaican restaurant now and then I'll fuck him.

I got a bunch of Jamaican restaurants here, actually, that Lonesome Losers.

Okay, well, okay, when we come back.

When we come back.

Exactly.

Send me a message.

Exactly.

Who's that now?

Is that, um...

Who do you think it is?

Uh, Scott, the dad?

Razamat.

Oh, yeah?

Really?

Who's calling in already?

Razamat.

Oh, he's calling back, too.

I want to call a Jamaican restaurant.

I'm not freaking African.

Tell him to give me a second, because I really, now that I said I got to take a piss, I'm

All right, how much time you got to poop?

Yeah, Tony, keep listening, and we'll come right back.

But when we come back, we'll do that.

We'll call some Jamaican restaurants.

We've got a ton of business here.

We've got to knock them out because as long as they're working diligently.

Yeah, let's just call a stream of them, man, all the Jamaicans in town.

We'll knock them all out of the park.

Okay, so, guys, keep listening.

If you're listening to us and you're using AOL Instant Messenger, Madhouse Radio.

Again, on AOL Instant Messenger, you can reach us here at Madhouse Radio.

If you're using Yahoo, Madhouse, PCU Radio.

And if you're listening to us via, no, if you're using MSN Messenger, that would be MadhousePCURadio at Hotmail.com.

And, yeah, when we come back, we'll be taking your calls at 888-278-8509.

We'll be right back.

You're listening to Madhouse, afternoon, early evening, Friday edition, and on PCU Radio.

Hang on, folks.

Sorry it took so long

You there, Milkman?

I hope you showered

Scott is freaking out

He's like

He just called me

He's like

Dude, can they trace that?

He's worried about what just happened

Dude, he is freaking out, man

I mean, this is all he keeps on saying to me

Over and over

And I said, man, we've been doing this shit for every year

I said, at last

All the calls that we've been using are the same fucking card

Yeah, he's got to chill

The same people that say

Oh, we're police and everything else

Come on, man.

Cross.

Just one moment, please.

Nikki?

Okay, hang on.

Just one moment, please.

I'm trying to get Ring of Ascension.

Just be right back with you, okay?

I gotta talk.

I guess it was called.

Nikki?

Yeah.

Cross, this is Nikki Robertshaw.

Nikki Robertshaw.

You spoke last week on the phone.

I'm the girl from Boston from Barstool Sports.

Oh, yes, yes.

You're in the magazine.

Yes.

How are you doing?

Good.

How are you?

I'm okay.

We haven't heard back from you, so here we are.

Anything new?

I know.

Okay.

Okay, well, are you still interested in being on one of the two shows?

We haven't made a final decision yet, but...

Absolutely. I've been trying to call back this week, but every time I call, the line's busy.

Yeah, we've been very, very busy.

We've had a lot of things going on here with the award show and everything.

We've been actually preparing for the movie awards and everything.

But thank you for calling back.

When are you going to be available to come into town?

How many days would you need me?

Probably three business days.

Three business days.

Yeah.

Um, let me see. Next weekend, I'd be available.

Okay. Now, would you be able to strip from the waist down?

I'm sorry?

Would you be willing to strip from the waist down?

Like, completely naked?

Well, the more you do, the better.

No. I mean, I'd wear a bathing suit or something, but otherwise, no.

Okay, let me write that down. Bathing suit.

Is there a reason for that?

Well, yeah, we just had to get an idea.

We're trying to go a lot more hardcore this year with the real world, so...

So, like I said, we're going to be filming in Columbus, and that's very, very serious.

A very, very big, hardcore town.

I'm sure you've heard of how crazy Columbus, Ohio is, though.

Not really.

I don't really know anybody that's ever been to Ohio.

You know, I don't really like your attitude.

I don't know about this.

I think maybe we made a mistake here, Nikki.

What do you mean?

I don't know.

All of a sudden, we were just friendly and everything before, and now the way you're talking, I just, I don't know.

Well, no, it's like the thing is that I've watched the real world and rogue rules,

And based on the questions that you were asking me last week about, you know,

pretending I was a coke addict or I was a lesbian-turned-reward Christian,

I've never seen anything on the show like that,

and I was just curious as of why all of a sudden now and what would be the needs of me.

Well, we're getting our asses handed to us by shows like Lost and Survivor and everything like that,

so we're trying to change things up a bit.

But I don't know, if you're not willing, I mean, like I said, you'd have to pick a character

there because, like I said, real world hasn't been

real since the second season.

It's all fake. I mean, everything

you see there, you know, I don't know if you saw

the last season, but half of those people don't

even, I mean, those aren't even their real names.

I understand that, but it's just I didn't

see anything that was that extreme.

Like, I didn't see any, you know,

they seemed like normal people, relatively.

It just seems to me that maybe you

don't have the chutzpah to go

through. I'm sorry? It just seems to me you don't have

the chutzpah to go through with it.

I don't know.

Nick, you were my favorite one out of all these people, but I don't know.

I don't know.

Let me tell you this.

Look, maybe we got to the wrong person.

Can I try to have, are you going to be available today, later tonight?

You know, our supervisor is going to be in town.

He's the casting director.

He's making the decisions tonight.

So it's a very good thing you called me.

And maybe after speaking with you, maybe he can work something out.

He's the head of me, and he's going to make the final decision.

Are you going to be free tonight?

Are you at home?

Or what's your issue?

Well, I'm actually working tonight at the bar from 9 to 2.

9 to 2.

Tomorrow I'll be around all day at any time.

Okay, no chance we can talk to you tonight, then.

Not after 9, no.

Are you Eastern Time over there?

Yes.

You are Eastern Time.

Oh, jeez.

Well, I would love for him to talk to you, but it looks like the decision...

Tell you what, let me go ahead and give you a call back then, okay?

Well, what is the decision on real world or road rules?

It's real world.

Road rules, it's cast, so it's going to be all real world.

Okay, and you said this was going to be happening next month?

Filming will begin March 22nd.

Okay.

I probably wouldn't be able to do it anyways because I'm still in school,

and I'm like mid-semester, so I wouldn't be able to drop anything and make everything up.

That's more important than the real world.

Yeah, I mean, that's more important than the real world.

That, I mean, you know, if I had known this, I definitely would have not started my semester.

It's instant celebrity, but okay.

Okay, I mean...

Especially, I mean, I don't even know if I would want to, you know,

based on the characters that you gave me,

I don't know if those would be things that I would, you know,

want to even go on a show that's supposed to be, I don't know.

Well, what would you like to do?

Maybe we can work something out.

Maybe if you tell me, I mean, do you just want to be a Freight Life kind of thing?

You know, we discussed the whole former recovering coke head, former lesbian.

Right.

We have that.

Or we're thinking of just doing a lesbian.

That might work out. I don't know if that would infringe on your beliefs or anything like that.

I mean, like, maybe I would think about doing, like, the former lesbian thing or something like that.

That's, I mean, that's not anything extreme, but, I mean, the other things are, seem kind of out there.

It just doesn't, I don't know, it just doesn't seem like the regular persona of the show.

Well, I guess they were...

I know you're trying to, like, get new things and, you know, all that kind of stuff, but...

I know you're getting picky.

Yeah, I don't mean to sound rude, but you are getting, I don't want to say that you're getting picky,

But, you know, you don't go into another man's house and tell him how to do his job and everything, even though I'm not...

Oh, no, I'm not trying to do that.

Well, Nikki, you've hurt my feelings here today.

Very hurt.

I had a lot of faith in you.

But, look, don't despair.

Either...

Do you have any talent?

Can you sing or anything like that?

Yes.

All right, hang on.

I haven't seen the song.

Can you sing a song now?

Let me get you on...

Right now?

Let me put you on conference call.

Hang on.

Let me see if I can get you with Mr. Valente.

Hang on.

Do you have time?

I have a couple minutes, I guess.

Oh, my God.

I don't even know what to...

Oh, it's go time.

Hang on.

She does Mariah Carey.

we have Mr. Valente here. This is Nicky. And Nicky, go ahead. You said you only have a few minutes. Mr. Valente only has a few minutes either, so go ahead.

Okay, um...

Right.

Just like Mariah Carey told her.

Mariah Carey, baby.

You got me on the spot here.

That was horrible.

Utterly horrible.

Nikki, I don't think this is going to work.

I don't either.

I don't think that we should either, but not really expecting something like that.

She had singing lessons.

Can you sing the wheels on the bus?

I'm sorry?

The wheels on the bus go round and round.

Do you know that song?

Not really.

Any Mariah Carey?

Um, I guess I can sing, like, happy birthday.

All right, and a one, and a two.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday.

Mr. Valente, anything you want to say?

Honestly, it's, um...

Your mouth is, jaw is dropped open.

My mouth is drawn open, and, um, maybe you'd be willing to come in and do some, uh, paperwork or something like that, but probably not in a real...

I'm sorry, he's been drinking.

That's all right.

All right, well, Nikki.

Paperwork for what?

Yeah, tell her to call back.

Yeah, Nikki, we'll call you back, okay?

Do you want my cell phone number?

Yes, yes, yes.

Hang on, let me get that here.

Hang on, let me take you off a conference call.

Hang on.

We'll have to get back in touch with you.

We're going to discuss this.

Disgusting.

Oh, my God, dude.

There is no way.

That is fucking hilarious.

She just sang.

Can you believe that?

She actually went through?

Oh, my God.

Well, that was for Estimated Profit.

Happy birthday to you.

I thought Estimated Profit knew him or something for some reason.

You know what I mean?

I thought, like, he knew her.

I guess he just found her number somehow out of some magazine.

I don't know.

That is funny.

That is too funny.

I don't know.

I just felt bad.

You know what I mean?

I had her singing Star Spangled Banner anyway.

Did you get her number?

Yeah, I got it.

I got it.

Yay!

I got it.

All right, man.

We'll put her on our list, man, of return calls.

We definitely have to call her back.

She is a media whore, though.

That's funny.

I'll tell you what, man.

My dogs were howling at me.

Yeah.

Jesus, man.

Okay.

Well, that was that.

That was hysterical.

That was almost as good as that Rob fact right there.

That's probably even better than that Rob fact, because she was really trying.

Exactly.

James said, next time, give her the lyrics to Little Boxes.

That's a good idea.

Some people saw it.

Yeah, great.

Think that forth, please.

Okay.

We got Hurry.

Ooh, there's a place called Hurry Curry.

A butch-sounding woman answered at 646.

That was about ten minutes ago.

Let's try that.

Let's give that a try.

Hang on, folks.

We'll be right back with the next prank call.

We are so bad.

I'm still going to hell for all that I've done.

There's no chance I'm ever going to heaven.

Since he's seen it last, had a chip in 70

And he's happy that he's faking it

All he had was his mother's next

Now he's more, and he's gotta make a change and make it

So he's got one strike against

And he's young, cause he came up in the sixth

Harry Currie, may I help you?

Harry Currie?

Hello?

Yes, hi, how you doing?

I'm fine, how you doing?

I'd like to make order pick up, sit

What, what we got over here?

What?

What do you need, sir?

English?

Hello?

English?

Hello?

English?

Yes.

This is Vanis Pullivan.

Hello.

Yes.

Hello.

I need to make an order.

Do you have someone who makes the English?

What do you need?

English food.

English food?

No.

This is Indian food.

Uh-huh.

That's what I said.

I need Indian food.

This is Indian food.

I need curry rice.

Curry and rice?

Curry chicken.

Uh-huh.

Curry beef.

Curry bean?

Yes.

No.

I have no curry bean.

No.

Curry beef.

No.

Curry pork?

No, I only chicken curry, spinach chicken, lamb curry.

Curry spinach?

Yes, curry chicken, spinach.

Shit spinach?

Huh?

Shit spinach?

No, this is Indian food, okay?

No, no, that's what I want, spinach.

You come here, okay?

You come here.

Okay, sorry.

Punch you in the mouth.

Do you deliver?

Deliver me.

I want to carry out.

I want to carry out, yeah, I want to carry him out.

Scott is going crazy here.

You want him to call in now?

Is he still freaking out about shit?

Yeah, tell him to call in.

Dude, he sent in all kinds of fucking numbers, Spanish guy, every kind of that shit, man.

You want me to call in and wipe the slate clean on the Jamaican numbers?

Yeah, he said he wanted to call a Jamaican restaurant.

I got one here just in front.

I'm going to tell him to call now.

Scott, this is your time.

We need you to wipe these Jamaican numbers out.

Call now, bro.

Yes, yes, make it so.

Make it so.

Itel Calabash.

It's the number of restaurant we just got here.

Itel Calabash.

All right.

Oh, man, I'm tired.

I'm so tired, man.

I can barely function right now.

How long do you want to keep going, man?

I'm good right now, man.

I mean, if you get down, man, let me know.

You'll take over?

But I'm going for it.

I'm going for it.

This is fun because we're getting good response from the call.

I like this daytime evening, actually.

Yeah, exactly.

There's really a lot more activity than Thursday night, man.

Thursday night is really a tough slot to work.

It is.

It is, it is.

But we do very well, though.

We get good listeners.

We do do very well.

I mean, yeah, it's amazing, but we do do very well, man.

Yeah.

I mean, we make the best of a hard night, man.

This right here is fun as hell because now we actually don't have to all do businesses.

You know, we can actually call people.

Yeah, and I do.

I originally wanted to get that slot, the Saturday, the Friday slot, but Zolard beat me to it.

Yeah.

Well, that's all right.

What can you do?

All right, let's get Scott here in the line.

Let me second here.

Hello, Scott.

Yeah, man.

Hey, welcome back, man.

What's up?

Yeah, man, I'm cool with everything, man.

All right.

Just, you know.

Everything's all right?

All right, good.

Yeah, man, it's just that him friend, a policeman,

and him can try to track the number, you know?

Yeah, they'll track it down to me.

I won't give you up.

I'm not a narc, so it's okay.

You know, I can say you had the number from a long time ago

from the old show that they did,

and you were going through the book,

and you saw the number, and you called.

All right.

Good deal.

No problem.

And you had it from, like, three months time ago.

Okay.

Okay, no problem. We'll do that. No problem.

And I had nothing to do with it.

Okay. I don't even know who you are, so there we go.

Let's see. You said you went to a Jamaican restaurant.

I got Sweet Fingers or I got Corey's Place.

Corey's Place. What about it?

Corey's Place is in Englewood, California.

I'm going to tell him I got a... Yeah, that's a good one.

We check on Corey.

Okay. All right. We'll do that now. Hang on, bro.

Hang on the line for me.

I have another number for you for the Spanish I heard of mine.

Yeah. You send it to Milkman. He'll send it to me in a second.

milkman send that to me right now bro we'll do that after this one all right hang on hang on scott

which one the spanish guy yeah the spanish guy hang on everybody that next call is coming right

now

Can you hear what you're saying?

Yeah, man. I'm speaking up now. You can't hear me now, man.

Yeah, go ahead, man.

Yeah, so what do you want?

Okay.

You all right?

Yeah, man.

Yeah, man. What do you have to eat, man? What do you have to eat?

Whatever you want.

I just got here, you know, from the yard and can't find a place, man.

And this guy told me to check on you.

Okay.

We have jerk chicken, curry chicken, brown stew chicken, curry goat, oxtail, roast beef, brown stew fish, curry shrimp.

Yeah, man. You have some good food there.

Let me ask you something, man.

Okay.

Do you want to know, man, if you can link me with something?

Say again?

You need to know if you can do me a little favor.

Come by and pick up food every Monday if you can pick me up with it, man.

Can you believe when I got off the airplane?

Got it from me, you know, man.

Lucky me it got away, you know, but from me.

A little bit of something didn't take it from me, man.

What kind of something?

Sir, man, I think you can pick me up with this, please.

Yeah, man.

Sell ganja here.

They don't sell it there?

Yeah, I know you sell food, but you can tell me where I can get some.

No, sir.

Hey, man.

I don't know where you can get it.

They do smoke it for you, right?

You don't smoke?

One second, one second.

You want to try another one? I've got one more here if you want to try it.

This one here, it was a white surfer dude that answered.

That's right.

No, you can't.

At a Jamaican restaurant, it says white surfer Saudi dude answered. Hang on, let's try that.

Can I help you?

What's that?

Yeah, yeah, who's this?

Trevor?

Trevor, you don't remember me?

Trevor?

Yeah, man.

You might think I'm someone else, man.

This is Sam.

Yeah, man, you're the surfer dude.

Huh?

Yeah, the surfer dude.

Yeah, man, me, I remember you, man.

Long time no see, man.

We just got here from Jamaica, you know.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, man, what kind of food you got?

We got the buffet, man.

It's all day, $7.99 now.

Yeah, man, we can deal with that.

Yeah?

Yeah, man, we're going to stop by.

May I ask you a question?

What's that?

We need to pick up a little something, a little herb, man.

I can't find nothing in here, man.

Fucking blood clot, man.

I can't find nothing in here.

I don't know no one.

Oh, man, I can't help you with that.

Yo, man, you know what happened to me?

Me had a nice little bit come in here,

and we come to cut them, and I'm taking it away from me, man.

But lucky they didn't lock me up, you know.

No way.

Yeah, man.

It was only a little bit, man.

Still the same.

Now I'm losing my mind.

That's rough, man.

Yeah, I can't help you with that.

Come on, man.

You can't give me a little something?

Yeah, that's, yeah, we can't help you with that, man.

Who that? Who that there? Who that there talking to?

Clive.

Tell him where I go on.

Here, you want to talk to him?

Yeah, man.

Who Clive on the phone?

Here, hold on.

Where I go on, man?

Who this Osmo Weed on the phone? We don't sell weed here, man.

I'm not asking you to sell me something. Try to lick me up a little bit, man.

Who that?

My name's Trevor, man. You don't remember me.

No, we don't.

You don't like a lot of things. You're like a youth, man. Huh?

I remember you when you was a youth.

No, man, you don't know me, man. You are the wrong person, man.

No, man, I know you.

Know me from where?

Yeah, man, for a long time.

From where?

Come on, man. You're from the yard, man.

From the yard? No, man, you're wrong, man.

What do you mean I'm wrong?

You're wrong, yeah?

Why are Jamaicans born in America?

Where are you coming from, man?

Every Jamaican from the yard.

Yeah?

Every Jamaican from the yard, man.

Why are Jamaicans from the yard?

come to the restaurant let me see who you're talking to if you want some food you can get

that but we don't deal no drugs in this place okay don't call this phone and ask for nothing

like that don't tell me that you hear me i'll suck your mother no no don't talk like that to

me you there god what did you just say about your mother he said suck your mother that's a

That's a real bad Jamaican saying, man.

Damn, man.

That's a real bad Jamaican saying.

That's a good one.

That's nice.

Your mother's scum.

Enter your destination number now.

Mother's scum.

You want to try that Spanish guy?

Who's that guy?

I want you to call him back and say that you just told his Jamaican friend to fuck your mother.

Why'd you talk to my friend like that?

Okay, hang on, hang on.

I'm going to have to redial it.

That was kind of good.

Yeah, that was pretty good, actually.

Hang on.

Let me get that on.

Thirty-three minutes, twenty-nine seconds.

Yeah, how you doing there, buddy?

Hey, let me ask you a question.

Why did you just talk to my boy Trevor like that?

He's upset over here.

He just stormed out of here upset.

Say he's got to get some beer or something.

I don't know what's going on.

That is problem, man.

He can't call a restaurant and ask him for weed.

Weed?

Yeah, ask him for smoke.

Trevor can't smoke no weed.

He's on parole.

What are you talking about?

Well, that's what he's talking about here.

Then you're lying because he don't smoke no weed.

He's on parole.

He ain't smoked no weed in two years.

I don't know.

He better not be smoking weed.

Well, that's what he just calling asking about here, but he know me from Utah.

He don't know me, man.

You know, he can't ask for weed in a restaurant.

We don't sell drugs there.

He said he used to work there with you or something like that.

I don't know work.

I never have no travel work here with you.

I don't know, but he said to tell you that something about Bumba Clyde, that you're the Bumba bitch Clyde or something.

Yeah, I tell him to go suck his mother and don't ask for no weed.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You got it all wrong, buddy.

What did you just say?

To do what to my mother?

What did you say about my mother? You don't even know me, boy.

No, I don't. I'm not. I don't know you neither, so I'm telling whoever call asking about jugs here.

You damn...

Don't call this number and ask for no jugs, because this is not a jug den. This is a restaurant.

You damn...

Okay.

You damn Canadians need to go back to your own country if you're going to come over here talking...

I'm not a Canadian. I'm American like you are. Are you American?

Yeah, I am.

Come on here.

I'm the original American from the South.

All right. Well, this is one who remember that I don't forget that well

You sound like a blood you sound like a damn Canadian over here talking curse words

I'm not a Canadian. I never been to Canada. So I don't know that. Well, that's not what Trevor say

You see rents are Jamaican and I'm American. Okay, you're not even Jamaican either. All right, anything you wanna say?

Don't call this number again. Otherwise, I love them. I'm a bad number

I'll have my boss check your number get this owned by a cop

So if you want to know you know that don't call this phone. No job. What's the name of the car?

But he boy, what's the name of the time the Chi Chi man, Batty boy?

I know what Batty boy means to you faggot to be Canadian. He's gone sky there

Yeah, he's gone. He's gone

This is a pappy boy.

That was good.

GG, man.

Damn it.

Who's around here, man?

You should let me call back.

Enter your destination.

You want to call him back?

Okay, hang on.

We'll do one more.

We'll get him one more time.

Hang on.

Oh, shit.

Which one was it?

Nightlock.

Current balance will allow you to talk for five hours, 24 minutes, 29 seconds.

This sounds frustrating.

Like, you don't know what you're going to do.

Just beg him or something.

I don't know.

What country is he in?

fingers are strong come on you there yo i get mad at me for man huh crush me for yo hear me i say

yo this is a different man now hear me i said you can't call the restaurant action for

weed or drugs you don't sell drugs you hear that calling me a man come on get it straight

like that yeah because you're must have to call restaurant now sweet yeah you didn't say we didn't

i didn't say i wanted to buy it but we know we don't have no weed for smoke or buy and we don't

We see

We're gonna tell me my mother your party boy. Yo, you lucky thing ain't coming. Maybe if you did came out face-to-face

It'll get slapped in your face with

Come out come out and Batman come out

It's not like for real just here can police

Come out complain nigga

If you feel hearty, and you ain't nothing, and you know nothing, come out, come play.

You know the rest of the time, dad.

Pussy.

Suck your mother again, because suck your mother's last father, sister, uncle, batty.

You're going to count down there with 20 eyes on, man.

Put a scooper diver suit and chuck it in your mother's back, you pussy.

My bum-backed lot of ass, man.

He's gone again.

Look, great.

Great.

Got him, Tish.

Yeah, you want to stay for one more?

You want to try to call that herb guy, that Guatemalan guy, or you want to...

Let me fill you in on this.

I got it.

Don't worry.

Hang on.

Just so you know, I know you.

For you, you was brewed up, booed up, ready for a new fuck.

Last time you saw me, I was a P.I. to the motherfucking M.P.

What?

And lately, I heard you's a broke bitch living in the lower class suburb.

And lately, the word is I live in the suburb and I don't fuck with birds.

10 minutes, 29 seconds.

We're sorry.

Your call, 1-9-6-4-3-4.

Hello?

Yes, may I speak with Herb, please?

Who's calling, please?

My name is James, and I'm calling from Jamaican court.

We have an account here that's seriously in debt,

and we would like to know if you'd like to make a payment immediately or you face a shutdown of your services.

What's that?

Your cable, your water, your electric, and your vehicle.

That didn't take long.

Damn it.

Well, I tried.

Yeah, I guess so.

It came off too strong.

That's my Achilles heel.

Actually, he was still there. He wasn't talking, but I hung up on him.

Oh, shit. He fucking heard my voice.

Oh, he did? Does he know you?

Damn it, man. Does he know you, too? Holy shit, now we're in trouble.

Man, oh, man. He's blaming it on me. No worries there, man. It's all good.

Call him back. Call him back. Call him back.

Call him back? Okay, hang on.

Call him back. Hang on.

You gonna talk to him?

No, no.

You just want me to talk to him?

Yeah, just mess with him. How

you gonna pay the bill

29 seconds my ass okay so i don't know where you're from but here in the state of florida

we don't take kindly to your destination number now tell me you're gonna come down on his ass

That's like Hurricane Katrina.

I guess so.

But, yeah, we lost Scott, man.

Well, that sucks.

Damn it to hell.

Tina's been calling me.

She's trying to get my attention.

I wonder if she needs help.

Tina, hi, babe.

Oh, she's okay.

I hope she's okay.

She's sending me a message on her mobile, AOL mobile thing.

Oh, man.

You're a lucky bastard.

Yeah, that's me.

I'm lucky, all right.

I am lucky.

I'm happy.

Damn, did you see that picture of Nikki, though?

You're a lucky bastard.

You see the picture of that Niki chick?

She's old like me, riding around in a damn rascal scooter with a cat and seven guitars.

They're married, too.

Rascal scooter.

Hey, you see that picture of that Niki chick, though?

She's hot.

I can't believe I just had her sing.

That's really her, man.

Wow, man.

She is a freaking holler, man.

Damn, and she fucking got some eye candy.

Woo!

Yeah, I'm saying.

I could just hear her, like, screaming in bed.

Ah!

I'm out of tunes.

You know what?

what i have to do that next time she calls i'll say we need to hear you fake an orgasm

or something like that yeah because she dude she was actually like well i might get a scone but

if it's a lesbian part you know i could consider that yeah she's like yeah no she said the former

lesbian thing will be fine she said yeah so she she seemed like she was like you know like a little

bi-curious there or something i think so she said she'd be game to it so yeah she got some nice

his legs too look at that wow nice nice yeah dude you see and if we call her back on thursday see

it's gonna really look legit because you know how this shit works man they don't jump all over you

they like oh we'll talk it over in a meeting you know yeah we'll get back to you we'll get back to

you yeah yeah because you know like cheating will start till march that's this will really

keep her thinking man yep yep yep yep yeah buddy look man my ass is my ass is tired i have to go

I think it's time.

You getting waffle ass patterned there?

Yeah, I am.

I'm getting a little tired also.

And, yeah, I've got to give the girlfriend a call, see what's up with her.

We've got one last call in.

Let's do one last punch here for the crowd.

Okay.

Okay, we can do that.

Since you're looking like you're heading that-a-way.

We've got a freaking house full here.

That's true, we do.

Let's see.

Pick out a great number, man.

Let me see what I can do here.

here um we did a bunch of jamaican ones we're not going to do that again yeah we're done with

the jamaican stuff the calico ghost town in california calico what calico ghost town good

ghost yeah calico is a cat i guess so all right we'll try that hang on here hang on we're coming

back with the last call of the night in just a moment see if i can do this destination number

Number now. Talk for 5 hours, 13 minutes, 29 seconds.

How can I help you?

Hello, how are you doing?

How can I help you?

Is this the ghost town?

This is the ghost town.

Ooh, I'm so scared of the ghost town.

Are you looking for any actors in the ghost town?

You would have to speak to Stacey about that, and she's not in her office at the moment.

She's never there. I've been trying to talk to her for three weeks now.

What makes it a ghost town? Is she a Casper?

I'm going to haunt your telephone.

Ooh.

Do you feel my haunting powers descending over you?

No.

What do you want to talk to me about?

Would you like to talk about how white I am and my ghostly figure?

Not particularly.

Your name's Casper.

Is your name Casper?

No, I don't know no Casper either.

Are you into the occult arts?

No, I'm not.

Are you a Christian?

Yes, I am.

Do you know what happened to Jesus on the third day?

He rose from the dead.

Jesus is a ghost.

Holy ghost.

the holy ghost hey lady hey it's bad luck to hang up on a ghost can i help you in any way

yes you can help me with some hand release do you give an r.a baby okay all right well that was a

great show we had there folks hell yeah that was uh just about three hours it looks like so not

bad a good effort all around thank you everybody who uh we should have called that you know what

I just thought we should have called that damn guy at the Grits place back.

It was hilarious, man.

That Grits guy was funny.

He was indeed.

Yeah, man.

There's a bunch of people right in the beginning.

Joe Grits.

They're just begging to call back, too.

That was good.

And, yeah, we got Tuck calling.

Let's see what's up with Tuck real quick before we call him back.

Hello.

This is Revolution.

Revolution, I say.

What's up, Tuck?

How you doing, man?

Hey, y'all.

What's going on?

Not much.

You're here on the air.

What's going on?

You been listening tonight?

Today?

Tonight?

I have.

For the past half an hour or so, I was just a call on the blind.

Okay.

Didn't know if y'all was still in there or not.

We're about to sign off, actually, but I figured you were calling in,

so I'll at least let you on and then say what's up.

Oh, yeah, I was just going to say, hey, what's up to PCU?

What's up to my house?

Yeah.

How is your website going?

My website is not going anywhere.

I finally got, I got, I finally.

Oh, too bad, too bad, too bad.

Just before the show, I finally got everything worked out with the web host,

my web hosting service, so.

Yeah, you were telling me you were having problems.

Yeah, that's why it took me so long, because I had to stay on the phone with them.

They had me on hold and stuff, so...

Tonight, my plan is, while I listen to Zolar, I will get that all worked out.

I'm going to upload the old episodes, and I'll get your section,

and Milkman will have his section in the vault, too,

so you guys can go in there and do whatever you need to do and stuff like that.

Yeah, it sucks you're a can in the 420.

I was going to do an intro here.

I know.

But I'll just save it for next time I do a new proper intro.

There we go.

Yeah, no problem.

Yeah, well, no problem.

I'll save it for springtime.

Exactly.

With the love.

With the flowers.

Exactly.

Yeah, well, it's not that I want a candle.

It's not that I want a candle for 20 shows.

It's that I got to work.

I understand what that's what I mean.

I understand.

Yeah, but still.

You got to work for the man.

Yeah.

You got to work for the man, man.

But when the time comes, man, revolution, man.

Yeah, it's coming soon.

So be patient.

Rip the walls down.

down. So, you don't work at all, do you just do your own thing at home, is that how you

work, or what's going on? Yeah, pretty much, pretty much, I'm pretty much a slacker and

a loser these days, working when I can, freelancing here and there, doing comics, graphic design,

audio for different people, and whatnot. Okay, alright, well, that makes sense. But, yeah,

we have our, I got things on the side, I live, I do farming and do all that, I'm the white

I like that man.

Okay, well, that's good.

Good. That's important to do that, man.

Well, hell, keep rocking, man.

That was our ancestors, kind of what they did.

They owned the land and let the other people do the work.

Exactly. Well, that's how it should be, but unfortunately things change, huh?

Well, I mean...

Did you hear the prank call we did to this redneck at the Grits grocery store?

Yeah, that was a question.

Do you want to talk to him, or do you want to talk to him?

We're about to give him one last call here, if you want to take it.

Sure.

All right, cool.

Well, hang on.

Here comes Chuck with the first call.

Milkman's excited.

Hang on, everybody.

We'll be right back.

It's Grits and Groceries Liquors, and they're in Chesterfield, South Carolina.

Mm-hmm.

Hang on.

Your current balance will allow you to talk for five hours, four minutes, twenty-nine seconds.

He gonna pick up too?

I don't think he's on this.

He's gone home, man.

He's a bastard.

He's gone home.

Fuck him.

Get one more ring.

What about the moonshine guy?

Moonshine guy, bro.

All right, Tuck.

Well, we tried.

Well, thank you for calling.

I be going to say I belong to Grit.

You got some Grit in your mouth.

I belong to Grit in my mouth.

I eat whiskey with my liquor.

We don't sell Grit.

We got Grit packs here.

Fuck that, man.

All right, man.

Well, hey, we'll catch you Thursday, if not sooner.

Good night, man.

All right, man.

You take care of yourself.

Happy National Revolution.

Revolution.

Later, man.

Peace out, Doc.

All right.

He's all about the revolution, yeah.

We got it going on.

Yeah.

The revolution.

All right, well, Milkman, it's time for your goodbyes.

All right.

God bless America.

We know we love you.

I want to say thank you out there for Mr. Madman for giving us this wonderful box and ring we call IRC-PCU chat.

This is wonderful.

We can kick each other's ass and laugh about it.

Also, I want to thank our wonderful airtime sponsor, Dr. Lego, who lets us speak and bring our wonderful shouts to you every night live here.

And all the wonderful rotating calls in KDK.

Yes, our PhD here at PCU, the Cerebro of the Prank Caller World.

We thank you so much for indulging our insanity here at the Madhouse

and allowing us to share some laughs with everybody out there at PCU.

Because it's all for you, PCU.

All of our wonderful listeners and fans out there, that's right.

It's all for you.

Thank you so much for coming and joining in the Madhouse.

Ellie, I love you.

Yes, Ellie.

Peace out.

Big thank you, Milkman, as always.

Always an honor to work with you.

You're a great consultant.

My pleasure.

And everybody, be sure to stay tuned for Zolar later tonight.

He'll be on with Zolar Vision.

It'll be a good one.

It'll be a good one, I'm sure.

Tomorrow you can check out KDK and the Lunatic Fringe at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Sean Ward will be on Sunday at 9 p.m. Eastern with the Peanut Punch Radio.

Hunter, who I see is in the chat room now, Hunter will be on.

Oh, yeah, he is in there.

Welcome, Hunter.

He'll be on Monday night as well.

Well, he starts at 10 p.m. Eastern, 7 p.m. Pacific.

Tuesday night, K-Bone's Crazy Talk at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Wednesday, KDK's back for the Lunatic Fringe non-prank.

Lunatic Fringe for the Psychobabble show.

Hell yeah, the lightning rod for drama here at PCU, man.

That show always has got something going on besides the big fuzz.

Yep, and then we'll be back here Thursday night.

God damn it, man.

Jesus Christ, that can't be real.

What the hell was that?

I needed a microphone.

That wasn't me.

I think the cat was growling.

I guess so.

The cat's angry.

I thought you were feeding that cat ears.

Anyway, all right.

Joy La Blanca.

All right, well, Milkman, take care.

Joy La Blanca.

That's what it sounds like.

Take care of that bean problem with there, Milkman.

Hopefully get that worked up by Thursday before Zolar's show.

I think I blew an ass gasket on that.

All right, well, that's it.

That's it, everybody.

Be sure to check out madhouselive.com, kdkprankcalls.com, and fartsteam.com.

That's Milkman's homepage.

We'll start getting shown back up on the panel discrepancy.

Yeah, we'll see him soon, I'm sure.

Guys, stay tuned for that.

But that's it for the show.

We'll check you out Thursday night, if not sooner.

And like I said, Zola later tonight.

Love you all.

Later, Milkman.

Yay!

Hey, thanks for having us here at 420, man.

We'll try and get back with you as soon as we can.

Check out our next schedule.

Yeah, go on.

Yeah.

White power.

I just gave it to her today.

She didn't even interrupt me.

Man, I can't kill a tree, man.

We're going to straight beat your butt, buddy.

I'm going to hit your butt.

Nah, man.

What the fuck is this?

Man, you're gay, man.

Herbert, you don't know who you is, dude.

What the fuck is this?

You're a fucking pervert.

You know what I did?

I got your dirty laundry.

I got your dirty laundry over here.

On my face.

You like listening to me on the phone?

Calling me from block number.

I ain't know a block number.

What you need to do is hang up.

I heard your whole conversation.

Don't make me call the police.

What kind of police is this?

Yeah, you know what's up.

Yeah, it's not you.

I'm going to blackmail you.

Oh, I'm so scared.

Drive turkey ass motherfucker.

What's your problem now?

Drive turkey, you bitch.

You didn't hear, boy.

You drive turkey motherfucker.

Who?

Who's this?

What do you know?

Man, you can show me a place where I'm about to go whip some motherfucker's ass because

I don't even know who the fuck you're talking about.

How much are you going to charge?

You got to pick somebody up over here to attack his ass.

Man, this ain't no motherfucking taxi car.

Hey, I'm trying to fucking pick somebody up.

I'm with these goddamn asses.

I kicked your ass, you son of a bitch, you and your goddamn mother.

What?

Your mother.

You motherfucking nigga, how you like that, you piece of shit?

I know, you're a fucking nigga, you son of a bitch.

You nigga, motherfucker.

She's probably a nigga, man.

What?

Man, I'm a motherfucking bitch that pried a goddamn phone.

There's no white man that don't want to hear from no goddamn niggas

calling me in the fucking middle of the night.

Listen, listen, boy, listen, boy, listen, boy, I'll show you a boy in a 12-gauge shotgun, motherfucker.

Listen, cracker, listen here, cracker, listen here, cracker, honky.

I'll show you some fucking three-letter, motherfucker.

I'll see you here, I'll see you here.

Are you Michael Frazier?

Man, this ain't Michael Frazier, man, this is right for the white man.

So tell me, sir.

Look, let me just ask you real quick, first of all, why don't you shut the hell, why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you, you stupid bitch.

in hallelujah got it stay three dip a wing in your pocket and run it up to me yeah but i'm

only one over here i cannot uh drop a chicken on you we would give you a couple hundred dollars

though you ready i wish i was to go just pretend i'm sitting on you okay no problem okay i don't

gotta go oh my god yeah oh i gotta go please do wash your hands yeah yeah i'm kind of like

you have where you have to do this stuff so this is a very interesting radio you have very

interesting radio thing if you have that you know because like that's um it just shows me that you

have like nothing going no i got plenty this is what we do man i do this all the time i get lots

of what you do like you know what i mean talk stupid yeah yeah really huh people actually

listen to this shit people everybody looks not everybody because anybody with a half a brain

that i know don't anybody have a brain would listen to this show instead of eating your

shitty ass pizza how old are you 13 yeah fucking right you sound like you're fucking 18 or 19

i'm 13 i said yeah right yes i was born 13 years ago last friday hanging up and you better not call

do you have stripes in your underwear do i have what stripes in your underwear you were a sick

fuck come on let me talk to your sister man be a pal no have you ever seen your sister naked no

Calls (33, 1 h 36 min of 3 h 21 min)

Transcript

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