July 2006 Best Of

You are listening to a replay of Madhouse Radio.

Well, I think you should fucking hang up or I'm going to find out who you are and punch your fucking face in.

How's that?

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

The wing is an exclusive of PCU Radio and madhouselive.com.

Flight controllers, listen up.

Give me a go, no, go for launch.

Booster.

Go.

Vectro.

Go.

Vital.

Go, flight.

Guidance.

Guidance, go.

Surgeon.

Go, flight.

GNC. We're go.

Tell me. Go.

Control. Go, fly.

Procedures. Go.

Info. Go.

FAO. We are go.

Network. Go.

Recovery. Go.

Capcom. We're go, fly.

Launch Control, this is Houston. We are go for launch.

No drug real from real real.

Chris, I take risks today.

First of all, um...

The number and the last name I can call you...

Why don't you shut the hell... Why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you! Fuck you, fucking...

Maybe he's only a little crazy, like painters or composers or some of those men in Washington.

Motherfucker.

All right, go ahead, man.

Motherfucker, you.

You, bitch.

Don't never.

I'm punching him out.

Don't ever call that game to be boring, man.

Mow my lawn.

You motherfucker.

Why are you so angry?

Where's my squad at?

Fuck you, man.

We're so high right now.

We're not low.

Smoke weed every day.

I'm listening to Bizarre Circus.

And I'm your boy, Young Miles, the future.

And my man's about to get it crackin' for y'all.

Finger.

Put your muck cap kickin' the nasty.

Yeah, what's up, everybody?

Good evening.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's 1049, and we're starting here later than normal, but earlier than we expected.

Earlier than we said.

Exactly.

Yes, that's right.

I said possibly earlier, and look enough, it is earlier.

It's a whole 10, 11 minutes earlier.

Pow!

You feel that?

Exactly.

Feels good, don't it?

That's the kind of love I have for you folks.

Yeah, it's 1049 Eastern, 749 on the West Coast, and you're listening to Madhouse Radio.

Thank you very much, studio audience. You're beautiful. All of you. Hugs and kisses to you and yours.

Yes, my digital studio audience.

Oh, is that what that is? No, no, I'm talking about them live people right there.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, so ladies and gentlemen, just hello and welcome to the program.

It feels good to be down here in Florida, Orlando, Florida.

I'm looking forward to seeing it with the sun up tomorrow.

Exactly.

Yeah, you've seen no Florida sun yet.

Have you ever been to Florida before?

I was in Florida when I was nine years old.

Did you go to Disney?

Oh, yeah.

I'll tell you that story.

Hold on just one second.

All right, sure.

Sure.

We got, it was the year that like, a year or two after the old 8-bit Nintendo was out.

Okay.

And our family was like, you know, we were the last family on the block to get a VCR, to get a microwave, any of that shit.

Right.

So naturally, we were the last family on the block to get a Nintendo.

Okay.

So, we wanted a Nintendo for Christmas, my sister and I.

And Santa Claus, unfortunately, couldn't get us a Nintendo.

He left us a note explaining so many kids wanted a Nintendo this year that we couldn't keep up.

So I'll tell you what.

Here's how I'll make it up to you.

If you look on the coffee table, there's some tickets to Florida for you guys.

You guys go to Florida, and here's a coupon.

And Santa Claus had left a coupon in the shape of a candy cane.

You know, good for one Nintendo Entertainment System, but only in Florida or something like that.

Words to that effect.

so um yeah so that was what santa claus brought to our family for christmas that year was uh

plane tickets to florida and a coupon for a free nintendo while we were down there really so did

you get the nintendo oh we got the nintendo we were playing in the hotel room while we were down

here yeah you have to understand my dad was well it's alleged okay it's alleged that my dad was a

sort of a mastermind criminal in the 80s okay yeah this would have been 1987 or 1988 if i'm correct

87 or 88, yeah, exactly, and 87 or 88, it's alleged that my, well, it was obvious that we had money, who knows where it came from, let's put it that way.

At that point, who cares?

But yeah, my dad was in the gold business, so it was all kinds of crazy shit, it was the 80s, right, all kinds of crazy shit going on.

Exactly, yeah.

So anyways, this particular Christmas that we're talking about, it was just insane, because there was just this sea of toys all over everything.

to look at the photos coffee table floor both couches just on every surface just coated in a

layer of toys for me and my two sisters and on top of all of that is this trip to florida that

we're going to take and get a nintendo while we're down there so yeah so that's like that's that's a

lot of money right so you wonder where that kind of shit comes from anyways so we went to florida

and got the nintendo and uh there was a whole other story that i was about to tell oh that had

had to do with the nintendo or uh yeah forget what what were we talking about with nintendo

um no your trip to florida your first and only trip to florida right was was that christmas

and uh yeah we totally got off track you're like isn't that the total stoner conversation we just

had right now something like that yeah something like that yeah end up talking about nintendo and

it all makes sense in the end yeah well because because because megaman was was a big deal you

know that's big man mario old m the m characters yeah metroid metroid uh well ninja turtles yeah

Yeah, Ninja Turtles 2, the arcade game.

Yeah, Ninja Turtles, the M.

Exactly.

Ninja Turtles.

I'm trying to think.

You ever play a game called Troy?

I watched a movie called Troy.

No, it was actually a game back, I think it was, no, Trojan.

It was a game called Trojan.

It really sucked.

I know about Trojan, but not as a video game.

Yeah, I know, yeah.

Exactly, exactly.

Well, I don't need to use those, as a matter of fact, because I don't believe in them.

They take away all the feelings, Sean.

I see.

Yeah.

I don't know why we're doing this.

Okay.

Well, anyway, yeah.

Yeah, no comment for me.

No comments.

Let's not go any further into that.

But, yeah, like I was trying to say, we're here in the Madhouse.

It's the special edition with Sean Ward here.

We're both together.

We'll be going and doing the FX show this weekend, and I'm very excited about that, Sean.

I'm sure you are also.

I'm very excited to be doing the FX show because I remember when I went to Chicago last year,

it was a hoot, meeting all the new people, and it's like a different town, so there's a whole different vibe.

And, yeah, I love turning people on to what I'm doing.

So I'm down here to meet some people, turn some heads on.

You know, make a few bucks while I'm at it.

You know, all the better.

You know what I'm saying?

Exactly.

Right.

And you're getting away from the cold weather.

You're going to be here in Florida.

Well, like I was saying, we're having a really, really unseasonably warm winter in Canada right now.

Where we've got, like, what typically to us is like a nice April day.

That's what we've got in January this year.

Okay.

Wow.

Really?

Is that bad?

Yeah.

Or that good, depending on how you frame it.

I get depressed.

If it's Christmas, like this Christmas here that we had this year was hot.

I think it was like 79 degrees is a high.

It felt like March or April.

I felt depressed for some reason.

I need to have that cold feeling in the winter.

I freak out.

Yeah, you need a break.

I don't know.

Do you guys still do your hour time change for every twice a year?

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Yeah, you do that there as well.

Daylight savings time.

Did you have it later this year, last year, like we did in the States?

I don't know.

No, I just know that it's spring ahead, fall back, and at some point I catch, oh, it's this weekend.

Oh, okay.

So I don't even, I couldn't tell you.

Have you ever not caught it before that Saturday?

I've caught it, like, I caught it once at, like, 11 p.m. that Saturday and I said,

it's a pretty good thing because I had to work the next day.

Oh, jeez.

Have you ever gone?

No, but what I did have is actually one of my most favorite nights out ever

was the night that I was completely oblivious to the fact that it was the night that the clocks went back.

so i was at a club and it was right when i was in the middle of just like you know

just starting to get interested in some maybe somewhat proficient at talking to girls kind of

thing right so i'm you know a little puppy been let off the leash 19 or 20 years old and i'm in

this club where it was an old school night so the dj played like uh 80s and uh 90s pop hits and a

little bit of disco and some old school rap and called it his retro party mix right and so i used

Yeah, I used to go there every Friday or Saturday night or whenever.

So there's one night where I was at this party, and I'm looking at my watch.

I'm thinking, man, this should have been last call a long time ago.

And then at the time they ought to be closing, they're calling last call.

And I'm like, wow, what's going on?

And the whole time he's going, we've got an extra hour to party tonight, everybody.

And I just have no idea what's going on.

I clue in, like, way after the fact, oh, yeah, the clock's going back.

So that's the spark.

And I met a hot girl that night.

It just adds to the splendor of the memory.

Well, yeah, they do say on that day the chances of you meeting a hot girl are increased by 30%.

Well, yeah, because you've got the whole extra hour.

Yeah, the women start ovulating because of that.

And they all cycle at the same time in the club, and you've got your shot right there.

Cool.

I have no idea what I'm talking about.

So all of you men listening, if you've ever been wondering what you've got to do to make that last jump along the way,

go out on the night when the clocks go back.

Right.

Do a little dance.

all that shit they're gonna do sean ward hooked up on that night that's right if sean ward could

then hell everybody in pcu there's no reason why even you can't hook up on uh tonight or any other

night for that rather for that meaning for that for that matter for that matter right right i'm

losing my vocabulary i'm sorry folks but yeah we're we're behind on our on our things here

we're already like what 10 15 minutes and we've just been bullshit this is awesome i like the

feel of this this is cool yeah it's a good time it's a good show this is uh we were just talking

I'm thinking about how this is going to be a monument in the Frank Cole culture.

You are listening to a replay of Madhouse Radio.

No, you're not having no effect on me.

Yes, I am.

You're going to like it, too.

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Yes, hello.

May I speak with Nikki, please?

Nikki, you're not here right now.

Can I call her and call her?

Yeah, well, my name is Croft.

I'm calling from MTV Network.

Uh-huh.

And we saw her in the latest edition of the magazine, the Bartender's Magazine.

And we were wondering to see if she was interested in coming down for an audition

for either Road Rules or the next Real World.

Yeah, sure, sure. Let me write down your...

Well, when will she be back in, if I can ask?

Because I'm going to be on the phone now calling people back for a few hours.

I'm not even sure if she's coming in tonight. Probably later on tonight.

Oh, later, Tim.

Well, that's too bad.

You don't have a number I can reach her at or something?

You know what?

I don't know her name offhand.

Can I take your name and number and have her, and I'll go look it up, and I'll call her and tell her?

Okay, well, let's try that.

Okay, my name is Cross.

Just like a cross.

Cross, K-R-C-R-O-S-S, and I'm with MTV Networks.

We're here in Manhattan.

Manhattan, and my number is 888-278-8509.

So, C-R-O-S-S?

Yeah, just like Jesus, Croc.

Okay.

Where are you?

You're in Manhattan?

Yes, I'm here in New York.

Yeah, I'll have her in December ask for you.

Yes.

Okay.

Please, please have her call me back as soon as possible.

Okay, I will.

Thank you.

Okay, bye.

I don't want to call her.

Well, that sounded funny, though, at least.

Maybe she'll call back.

That'll be funny.

Anyway, what I was getting at, if you like what you're listening to and you'd like to simulcast this show or anything else on PC, you can get a hold of me for my show.

Go ahead and hit me up at simulcast at madhouselive.com.

Simulcast at madhouselive.com.

Hang on, let's take our next caller.

Hey, Madhouse, go ahead.

Hello.

Good job, Mr. Cross.

Oh, yes, Nikki.

Hi.

Cross is expecting your call.

Can you just give me just one moment, please?

Sure, sure.

Thanks, and I'll get Cross.

This is Nikki, Mr. Cross.

Nikki.

Oh, hi. How are you doing, honey?

Good. How are you?

Fabulous. Well, that's great. I'm glad you called me back.

We're just about done here going through the list.

Now, we saw you in this magazine. Tell me about this magazine.

I mean, you're excellent in it.

Oh, Parsons Sports?

Yes, that's the one.

Yeah, I've actually shot with them a couple times.

Oh, really? You've been in it before then, so you have experience.

Yeah, the first shoot I did with them, which pictures did you see?

Just the most recent one.

Exactly, yeah, the Red Sox one, yeah.

The Red Sox one, yeah, that was last April, I believe it was, and then we did another

shoot, I was with two of the other from the place, and I just usually, I'm in it for like

advertisements and calendars for the place and everything, and they made a calendar out

of the Red Sox cover.

Okay, I see.

And passed it around during the Red Sox games and everything.

Okay, excellent.

Well, let me tell you what's going on.

Now, we have the next two seasons of Real World and Road Rules coming up, and we're

looking for talent in the magazines now.

Now, we were interested, after seeing your stuff, whether or not you'd be willing to come out here to Manhattan.

We're here at MTV Networks.

We're casting.

Now, let me tell you what's going on real.

The next real world is going to be in Columbus, Ohio.

Columbus, Ohio, very, very big town.

It's blowing up Columbus, Ohio.

You'd be surprised.

So what we're trying to get at, we're trying to get, you know, the normal crowd of people.

Would you be willing, if we were to fly you around accommodations and everything,

Would you be willing to come out here and see if you're enough to be on one of the two?

Absolutely.

Okay.

Where one would it be?

Because I'm actually planning on going to live in Australia for four months and be abroad.

Australia.

Yeah.

Well, then that's excellent because our next, the new Road Wolves,

Road Wolves Ring of Fire is taking place in Sydney.

No.

Yes.

They're going around all over the country.

Oh, my God.

That's awesome.

Isn't that excellent?

Holy.

Oh, my God.

Holy shit.

That's so funny.

Holy shit.

Okay.

Well, look, I'm so excited.

Now, I need you to record for us right now, as soon as possible, a 30-minute video of you at your craziest.

We're going to be all industry.

The whole industry is going to be for bartending staff only.

The service industry is going to be in this house, and they're going to start a bar.

And if they're successful at the end, they will own the bar all together as shareholders.

Oh, my God.

Isn't that fucking great?

Oh, my God.

Oh, that's like an absolute dream.

Exactly.

Holy shit.

So we need to get one thing out of the way.

How much skin are you willing to show?

Um, I wouldn't be naked, but...

Okay, let me write that down.

Not naked.

Yeah, no nudity.

Well, I'll tell you, that puts you down the list already.

Well, that's okay.

I mean, I'm not really in for that.

I mean, are you able to hoard...

But, I mean, my only thing is, um, like, I don't know.

My friends have been like, yeah, you should be on those shows.

But I always said that I would never want to go on them unless I was 21.

And how old are you now?

All the nightlife and everything is just going out to bars.

How old are you now?

I'm 19 right now.

Well, I'm not sure if you understood this.

Between me and you, please do not say this because I'll lose my job.

No, I would never.

Everything is scripted on the real world.

So we can actually just say you're 21 and we'll get with the union to get you an ID that says that if you're willing to.

Because actually last season we had two people who were over 21 and we said that they weren't.

Because they want to go for the younger crowd, of course

Right, because I was always wondering

I knew that the other cast members on other shows

Were under 21 and they were always in bars and everything

And I was wondering about that

Everything is scripted, none of it is real

We do cops also, that show Cops

It's not real, that's not real at all

You know, half of the news isn't real

I didn't think it was

Half of the news isn't real, it's all made up

Exactly, so no problem with that at all

Because keep it a theory

Because if the world knew that Road Wolf was scripted

MTV would probably fire me

first of all, ring-a-ling, and then they lose everything.

We lose all our credibility.

Remember what happened to Dan Rather.

We don't want that to happen to her.

Yeah.

Excellent.

So, what do you say?

So, no nudity, though.

I don't understand.

Do you have any addictions that we could probably promote or something?

Would you be willing to fake that you're addicted to cocaine?

We're trying to go somewhere new with this.

We're looking.

All we have left now is the cocaine-using, former lesbian-turned-Christian

Who works in the bar?

Oh, God, I'm definitely not a Christian.

Well, no, you don't have to.

I don't even know if I could act like a Christian.

Oh, you're not a Christian at all?

Are you a Muslim?

No, I'm, well, I'm half Protestant, half Jewish, but mostly Jewish.

Oh, let me write that down.

That's another problem.

Jewish, Jewish, I don't know about Jewish.

We just have problems with Jews in the past, of course.

I don't know if you remember Nuremberg, but.

I'm not like a hard-headed religious person.

Okay, so would you have a problem renouncing your faith for the show?

No, no.

You wouldn't have a problem renouncing your faith? Okay.

Got that here. Okay.

Now, would you have a problem pursuing a relationship with somebody in the house?

I'm in a relationship right now, so...

I mean, normally I wouldn't care.

Would you rather not have a relationship with an HIV-positive black man?

Well, obviously in real life, but I mean...

Okay, but remember...

Yeah, if it's really not the real world, I'll tell you why.

The real world hasn't been real since, like, 92.

Yeah.

That's not, okay.

So you are willing to date a positive, HIV-positive black man, okay?

Good deal.

Because we may actually spin that off into another show

where it'll just be your relationship with him afterwards.

That would be great.

So, hey, you have my number.

Hold on one second.

Yeah.

Okay, so you have my number, correct?

I have it.

Okay, great.

All right, now what I'm going to do, I'm going to pass this on to the casting director.

He's going to be calling you later tonight.

They're going to have a conference call, but he won't be available, I don't know,

are you Eastern Standard Time there where you are?

Yes.

Okay, well, the meeting doesn't get out until somewhere maybe around 11 or 12 o'clock at night.

Would that be a problem?

Okay.

If he could call you, where should he reach you at?

I don't know how.

I'm actually going to be working tonight at the bar from 9 to 2.

Can we call you back at the bar?

We have the number there for the bar already.

I don't think I'd be able to go off, because I don't really get any breaks or anything.

No breaks or anything.

I'm supposed to be busy as soon as I get in there.

Oh, Jesus.

All right.

Well, we'll see what we can do.

We'll try to get a hold of you as soon as possible, then.

Okay.

Actually, I had a question.

When are the actual dates for the seasons for Real World and World World?

Undetermined probably by March 1st.

We're looking for both of them to start.

Of next year?

Well, no.

March 1st for Real World of this year, and then World World sometime next year.

undetermined. Fourth quarter.

Okay. Fourth quarter,

2006. First quarter, yeah.

Okay. Well, great. Thank you very much,

darling, and we will be in touch.

Okay, thank you. Okay. Spur milk.

Bye-bye. Bye. Yeah. You know, she totally

wanted, she would renounce her faith.

What I was trying to do was trying to get

Zolar to call her possibly later tonight

as the casting director. I was trying to pass it

on to him. That girl was a dumb cunt anyway.

Pimpslut

says he wants to call in and do a prank call.

Well, great. As soon as we get Zolar off the line,

Do you think we'll ever hear Zola?

I'm here paying for this call this whole time.

It's always so rude.

He's probably trying to talk her into it, but she doesn't want to.

Yeah, probably not.

I don't want to talk to him.

He's a Puerto Rican.

You know what you've been missing too, man?

I'd like to, but...

No, you know what you've been missing?

Yeah.

There's this chick named Nikki who was in, like, this magazine, this bar magazine or something like that.

And I called her saying I was from...

Did I tell you what?

I said I was from MTV Networks.

I said I was going to see...

I was trying to cast her for Real World.

And I got her to admit that she would renounce

I think she's Jewish

And I got her to say that she'd renounce it

Then I think I said

I asked her if she was willing to

Play the part of an ex-lesbian

Because I said the real one hadn't been real

Since the second season

And she was like oh my god

I think at one point she was like I can't do that

Anyway she called back

Last week

On Friday afternoon I was just doing my show

And she called back I thought it was a caller

And she's like hi this is Nick here

I'm looking for Cross

I forgot what

Her name was Cross

Or something

And I talked to her again

I got her to sing

The national anthem

On the phone

As an audition

Hey Nikki

Eat this muffin

And eat it

Eat it

And you can be on real

I have her cell phone

Here too

I'm trying to remember

When she called me

Damn it

I gotta talk low

Oh man

Guess who's calling back

Nikki

Yeah

Nikki

TV Network

This is Cross

Hi Cross

This is Nikki Robertshaw

Nikki Robertshaw

You spoke last week

On the phone

On the girl from Boston

From Barstool Sports

Oh, yes, yes, you're in the magazine.

Yes.

Yes, how are you doing?

Good, how are you?

I'm okay, I'm okay.

We haven't heard back from you, so here we are.

Anything new?

I know.

Okay, well, are you still interested in being on one of the two shows?

We haven't made a final decision yet, but...

Absolutely.

I've been trying to call back this week, but every time I call, the line's busy.

Yeah, we've been very, very busy.

We've had a lot of things going on here with the award show and everything.

We've been actually preparing for the movie awards and everything.

But, thank you for calling back. When are you going to be available to come into town?

How many days would you need me?

Probably three visit days.

Three visit days.

Yeah.

Let me see. Probably next weekend I'd be available.

Okay. Now, would you be able to strip from the waist down?

I'm sorry?

Would you be willing to strip from the waist down?

Like completely naked?

Well, the more you do, the better.

No.

I mean, I'd wear a bathing suit or something, but otherwise, no.

Okay, let me write that down.

Bathing suit.

Is there a reason for that?

Well, yeah, we just had to get an idea.

We're trying to go a lot more hardcore this year with the real world, so...

Like I said, we're going to be filming in Columbus, and that's very, very serious.

A very, very big, hardcore town.

I'm sure you've heard of how crazy Columbus, Ohio is, so...

Not really.

I don't really know anybody that's ever been to Ohio.

You know, I don't really like your attitude.

I don't know about this.

I think maybe we made a mistake here, Nikki.

What do you mean?

I don't know.

All of a sudden we were just friendly and everything before,

and now the way you're talking, I just, I don't know.

Well, no, it's like the thing is that I've watched the real world and rogue rules,

and based on the questions that you were asking me last week about, you know,

pretending I was a coke addict or I was a lesbian turned, you know, reword Christian,

I've never seen anything on the show like that,

and I was just curious as of why all of a sudden now and what would be the needs of me.

Well, we're getting our asses handed to us by shows like Lost and Survivor and everything like that,

so we're trying to change things up a bit.

But I don't know, if you're not willing, I mean, like I said, you'd have to pick a character,

because, like I said, real world hasn't been real since the second season.

It's all fake.

I mean, everything you see there, you know, I don't know if you saw the last season,

but half of those people don't even, I mean, those aren't even their real names.

I understand that, but it's just I didn't see anything that was that extreme.

Like, I didn't see any, you know, they seemed like normal people, relatively.

It just seems to me that maybe you don't have the chutzpah to go through with it.

It just seems to me you don't have the chutzpah to go through with it.

I don't know.

Nick, you were my favorite one out of all these people, but I don't know.

I don't know.

Let me tell you this.

Look, maybe we got to the wrong place.

Can I try to have, are you going to be available today, later tonight?

You know, are Supervivors going to be in town?

He's the casting director.

He's making the decisions tonight.

So it's a very good thing you called me.

And maybe after speaking with you, maybe he can work something out.

He's the head of me, and he's going to make the final decision.

Are you going to be free tonight?

Are you at home?

Or what's your issue?

Well, I'm actually working tonight at the bar from 9 to 2.

9 to 2.

Tomorrow I'll be around all day at any time.

Okay, no chance we can talk to you tonight then.

Not after 9, no.

Are you Eastern time over there?

Yes.

You are Eastern time.

Oh, jeez.

Well, I would love for him to talk to you,

But it looks like the decision

Let me go ahead and give you a call back then

What is the decision on real world or road world

It's real world

Road world is cast so it's going to be all real world

Okay and you said this is going to be

Happening next month

Filming will begin March 22nd

Okay

I probably wouldn't be able to do it anyways

Because I'm still in school

And I'm like mid semester

So I wouldn't be able to drop anything

And make everything up

That's more important than the real world

I mean, that's more important than the real world, that?

I mean, you know, if I had known this,

then I definitely would have not started my semester.

It's instant celebrity, but okay.

Especially, I mean, I don't even know if I would want to, you know,

based on the characters that you gave me,

I don't know if those would be things that I would, you know,

want to even go on a show that's supposed to be, I don't know.

Well, what would you like to do?

Maybe we can work something out.

Yeah, maybe if you tell me, I mean, do you just want to be a Freight Life kind of thing?

You know, we discussed the whole former recovering coke head, former lesbian.

Right.

We have that.

Or we're thinking of just doing a lesbian.

That might work out.

I don't know if that would infringe on your beliefs or anything like that.

mean, like, maybe I would think about doing, like, the former lesbian thing or something like that.

That's, I mean, that's not anything extreme, but, I mean, the other things are, seem kind of out there.

It just doesn't, I don't know, it just doesn't seem like the regular persona of the show.

Well, I guess they were...

I know you're trying to, like, get new things and, you know, all that kind of stuff.

I know you're getting picky.

Yeah, I don't mean to sound rude, but you are getting, I don't want to say that you're getting picky,

but, you know, you don't go into another man's house and tell him how to do his job

and everything, even though I'm not...

Oh, no, I'm not trying to do that.

Well, Nikki, you've hurt my feelings here today.

Very hurt.

I had a lot of faith in you.

But, look, don't despair.

Either...

Do you have any talent?

Can you sing or anything like that?

Yes, yes.

All right, hang on.

I haven't seen a song.

Can you sing a song now?

Let me get you on...

Right now?

Let me put you on conference call.

Hang on.

Let me see if I can get you with Mr. Valente.

Hang on.

Do you have time or...

Um, I have a couple minutes, I guess.

Oh, my God, I don't even know what to...

Oh, you have go time.

What she does is Mariah Carey.

Okay, we have Mr. Valente here.

This is Nikki.

And, Nikki, go ahead.

You said you only have a few minutes.

Mr. Valente only has a few minutes either, so go ahead.

Okay, um...

Mariah Carey.

Oh, say, can you see

By the dawn's early light

That was horrible.

Utterly horrible.

Nikki, I don't think this is good.

I don't either.

I don't think this is good either, but not really expecting something like that.

She had singing lessons.

Can you sing the wheels on the bus?

I'm sorry?

The wheels on the bus go round and round.

do you know that song not really i mean earthy ryan any mariah carey any mariah carey um i guess

i can sing like happy birthday all right and one and two happy birthday to you happy birthday

happy birthday mr valente any anything you want to say honestly it's uh your mouth is yeah my mouth

is drawn open and uh maybe you'd be willing to come in and do some uh paperwork or something

like that, but no, definitely

not in the real world. I'm sorry, he's been

drinking. That's alright.

Paperworks for

what? Yeah, tell her to call back.

Yeah, Nikki, we'll call you

back, okay? Do you want my cell phone number?

Yes, yes, yes.

Hang on, let me get that here. Hang on, let me

take you off a conference call. Hang on.

We'll have to get back in touch with you.

We're going to discuss this. Disgusting.

Oh my god, dude. There's no

way. That is fucking hilarious.

She just sang.

Can you believe that she actually went through?

Oh, my God.

Well, that was her estimated profit.

Happy birthday to you.

I thought estimated profit knew him or something for some reason.

You know what I mean?

I thought, like, he knew her.

I guess he just found her number somehow out of some – I don't know.

That is funny.

That is too funny.

I don't know where – I just felt bad.

You know what I mean?

I had her singing Star Spangled Banner anyway.

Did you get her number?

Yeah, I got it.

I got it.

Yay!

I got it.

All right, man.

Man, we'll put her on our list, man, of return calls.

We definitely have to call her back.

She is a media whore, though.

That's funny.

I'll tell you what, man.

My dogs are howling at me.

Yeah.

Jesus, man.

You are listening to a replay of Madhouse Radio.

Well, I think you should fucking hang up

or I'm going to find out who you are and punch your fucking face in.

How's that?

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

anyway so yeah milkman's not here tonight i don't know where he is i talked to him before the show

he's like yeah man we're gonna go i'm ready yeah i got kitty all lubed up for tonight i just shaved

my tank yeah but he's there again look he's gone i don't know maybe he lost coconut power i don't

know i don't know i don't know we're getting invaded by the cannibals yeah so we hope to hear

from milkman and then yeah i just got my cell phone shut off because i haven't paid the bill

yeah i gotta pay that when we get off the air so it's not that i don't have the money it's

didn't pay the bill okay i have a job now i have a job now everybody yay good for me i think i do

for those of you who are following the saga from like friday when i was on the air yes uh i i took

my drug test and i suppose i passed i don't know and what are your thoughts you think it's possible

for me to have passed doing what i had done i don't know i i've never had to because i don't

work in any kind of industry where they care and they prefer you to be on drugs the stuff i do it's

It's a 50-50 show.

I don't know.

Yeah, I would say it's like 50-50.

I like that.

Were you here when we prank called Reverend Phelps, God Hates Fags guy?

I don't know.

We prank called his, and we got to talk to him.

Fred Phelps, that's who it is.

The God Hates Fags guy.

Okay.

Anyway, that's what's going on.

Something happened with this dude.

We prank called this guy before.

He's the pastor of the Westboro Baptist Church, right?

I don't think you were here for this.

No, I don't think so.

But I called to interview him, and I got his wife, and his wife, like, went off on me.

What'd she say?

She's like, I said I was from 2020.

Ordered by bikers?

Yeah.

Well, you heard about the bikers, right?

Oh, yeah, that's what happened.

The gay bikers?

No, no, they're, like, they go.

This guy's fucked, man.

He's, like, such a racist.

Did Reverend Phelps create a machine to destroy the world, and the bikers stopped him?

No, he's working on that.

But what he does, he's, like, he says, like, God hates fags and AIDS and this and that.

like he's like really anti-gay whatever he's anti-america he says that the war in iraq is

punishment by god for america embracing fags he says and all this shit so whenever there's a

funeral for uh someone who's been killed in afghanistan or iraq him and his congregation

congregation which is pretty much consisted of his like cousin of like his his grandsons and

his immediate family okay that's that's his congregation they go to these funerals and

and they protest against him.

They call the guy who died his punishment for fags or something like that.

Anyway, there's this group of bikers called the Patriot Riders.

Does it say it on here somewhere?

I think they're called the Patriot Riders.

It's this group of bikers, and they go out there, and they do counter.

Do they pop wheelies around or something?

I don't know what they do, but they say that they've gotten violent with them.

They grab their signs.

I want to see that bikers verse.

But this guy, I called her once on this show, and she was, like, yelling at me.

She was like, we're not going to do an interview.

We've talked to CBS before.

When I was, like, 16, I used to watch 20-20 every Friday.

All right, whatever.

But they interviewed this guy, and, like, he was just, like, he had his grandsons.

All they did all day was fax out to gay people.

Like, they would find out someone who's gay, get their fax number, and harass them all day,

sending him faxes

about how evil gay

like just like

calling him like

sinners and gay

fag I don't know

whatever

okay

he's an asshole

basically

I don't know

yeah so yeah

these bikers are

going around

attacking him

in this congregation

or something

you know I'm

trying to download

right now

did you hear

the time of the

sword

yeah I heard that

I want to hear that

you ever heard it yet

yeah I did

I want to hear it again

it's funny

anyway

time of the sword

is a funny

funny guy

yeah he was

he used to get upset

I think he's dead now

he's very fat

yeah

you are listening to

a replay of

madhouse radio

No, you're not having no legal sex with me.

Yes, I am.

You're going to like it, too.

No, you're not.

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

VIP video.

Hey, how you doing?

Do you have a preview booth over there?

No, we don't.

No, we don't have.

I want to go over there and wake up.

Listen, I don't have time for this bullshit.

Don't call me saying shit like that.

I don't have to fucking call you when you're talking shit.

Can I call you one more time?

Yeah.

hang on

yeah

my daddy's

on the line

yeah hello

what did you just

say to my son

you don't call here

talking stupid shit

if you wanna go

whack off

go to a car wash

listen

stick your fucking

dick in the hose

ma'am you listen

don't harass me

I will call the

fucking cops

I have a caller

ID on my phone

shut the hell up

here's what happened

you fucking

kissed my ass

don't call back here

you fat bitch

all I did

was pick up the phone

and I hear you

cursing at my son

talking about

whacking off

you said

F-U-C-K fuck

she's gone she's gone she's gone okay yeah how you doing hi my name is Carl

what's your name no ma'am I'm wondering about your restaurant I wanted to come

in to eat I want disability and my check hasn't come in this month yet so I was

wondering what time do you guys throw out your food I want disability because

Because of my weight, and, um, I don't have any money, so I'm calling around seeing who has some food maybe that I could come in and do some work for, you know, something like that.

Right, go on.

No, I'm trying to see if you have some work I could do so I could eat for free.

I'll work, but I'm just so hungry. I haven't eaten since, like, 12 o'clock.

Today?

No. Do you have anything? I mean, I'll do anything just for a piece of bread or I'll clean the bathroom if you give me a lunch.

No, I'm sorry. I'm not the owner or the manager, so...

Is there anything you can do? I don't know. Do you throw out any food out there?

Ma'am, please. I'm begging you.

Can I help you?

Ma'am, do you know that it's illegal to deny me food if I'm starving and I come there?

Well, I'm not the owner.

What, even if I go there and I'm hungry and I tell you I'm going to starve, if I collapse...

Well, I can't do nothing. This is not my restaurant.

But listen, according to the law, if I go there and I collapse and I say I need food...

I didn't tell you you couldn't come here.

What, you got to give me food.

Yeah, I'm tired of playing on the phone. I got a lot of...

This is a business. I got a lot of work to do. Call Burger King or something.

You got to give me food.

What? Hello?

That feels weird, having a Sharpie in my mouth that long.

I don't know about Katie Casey's and that feeling, but it's not for me.

Okay, looking in the chat room.

Nothing going on in the chat room.

All right, nothing's going on in the chat room.

All right, let's do another prank call here.

This is the other one for estimated profit.

This is the go-to or G2O spa and salon full body massages.

Wow, they have a toll-free line.

Now, that's classy.

Okay.

Olivia.

Oh, Olivia?

Hi, how are you doing?

Hi, my name is Cross.

Cross?

Cross, yes, just like the cross that Jesus was on.

Okay.

My father named me Cross.

Okay.

I'm wondering, I've never had a full body massage before.

Okay.

So I was wondering if I could come down, but I have a few questions to ask you first, though.

I'm sorry?

I don't go out much.

I weigh, as of last Wednesday, I weighed 482 pounds.

For a massage?

Yeah, would you charge me extra? Because I weigh, you know, I don't smell that. I wash very well.

Okay, that's nice. Alright, I'm not sure if our beds would hold that capacity. Let me find out. How much did you say?

I weigh 482 pounds.

Hold on, okay?

Okay.

Hi, thanks for holding. Hello?

Yes, is this Olivia?

I'm sorry.

Am I speaking with Olivia again?

Oh, I'm sorry. She's actually busy at the moment. I can help you out if you like.

Okay. Well, I was...

She ended up having to do something. So, can I help you out?

Yeah. Should I explain what happened to me?

Sure.

Okay. Well, I've never had a full body massage before in my life.

I weigh 482 pounds.

Okay.

Well, first of all, my name is Cross. So, nice to meet you.

Have you been here before, sir?

No, my friend told me about the place. I'm not going to be around much longer. My doctor did an ultrasound on me Wednesday, and that's the last time I weighed myself, and I weighed 482 pounds, and it looks like that I'm not going to be around much longer, the condition of my heart because of my weight.

Okay.

I used to weigh over 600 pounds, and I've been losing weight, but I guess not quick enough, unfortunately.

okay so I wanted to come in and have a massage but I don't know I don't want to be made fun of

you know like I was saying I don't I wash I totally understand I don't smell bad I have a

rag on a stick that I use you know everything but can I would it be possible for for my uncle to

bring his van and put me in the back and then I can come down there and get a massage um can I

for two seconds please. Sure, thank you. Thank you. This is Amy. Amy, did I talk to you before?

Um, about... Amy, I'm just saying, I'm being put on hold a lot, you know? What, uh, is

there a problem? Well, do you know the situation, or what's happening? No, I was just told I

had a phone call. Okay, well, let me explain again. I told two people already. Um, I went

I went to the doctor Wednesday, and I found out that I'm terminally ill.

I have fat that's enveloped my heart. There's nothing they can do.

So I have, like, about eight weeks, they say.

And I weigh 482 pounds, and I'm trying to see if I can come in for a massage.

Okay, I can't see why that would be a problem.

Okay, now, they were going to find out if you had a table that could accommodate my huge build.

Can you squeeze two tables together for me or something?

I'm going to ask that. I'm going to have to ask a massage therapist about that because I have no idea off the top of my head and I'd hate to have to put you on hold again. Do you want me to call you back?

No, no. Let me just ask you. Would there be a problem if I ate chicken, like fried chicken? I love fried chicken.

It's probably what's going to kill me.

Fried chicken and donuts.

Like, I eat so much.

I'm eating, I don't know if you can hear.

I'm eating chicken right now.

But would that be a problem if I was eating while I was getting a massage?

I don't have gas or anything.

I'm going to shake the disgusting sandwich up.

Okay, well, it feels weird to do that, man.

Yeah, my mouth is all stretched out now.

Yeah, that sounds really good.

Anyway, let's continue moving right along.

You are listening to a replay of Madhouse Radio.

No, you're not having no sex with me. Yes, I am. You're going to like it too, but maybe you're not.

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Is this who hot Mongolian? This is the Mongolian grow who hot?

Correct.

How hot? Just tell me, man. I'm looking for as hot as it can get.

Man, me and my buds are here. We're like, we want to take the bet. How hot can we get? We're extreme.

How hot?

Dude.

As extreme, as extremely hot as possible, man.

man. Well, what you do is you ask the server for some, uh... Fuck that, dude. You tell

me how hot, how hot. Sell me, man. We're gonna come down. How hot does it get, baby? Pretty

hot. Is it fucking hot? Would you say that? I don't know if I'd say that, but it's pretty

hot. Say, can you say it real quiet like that? Come on, let me hear you say it. Let me hear

you say it's fucking hot. Come on, dude. Let me hear you say it's fucking hot. Can you

say it for me? Hot Mongolian grill. That one goes out for to feed this man in the chair

He's been trying to get my attention

On doing that for a while

So there it is

So yeah

Looking at the newspaper today

And we saw an article about

About Samuel Adams

And did you know

Not only was he a brewer

But he was a patriot

He was a patriot also

That's right

He was a patriot as well

An American patriot

A brewer first though

Yeah

Patriot second

But patriot nonetheless

Exactly

Patriot yeah exactly

I saw that on an advertisement today

You did?

Yeah

For Samuel Adams?

Yeah

Just nonetheless

Yeah there's just this bottle

That was sitting around

And there's you know

Okay, well good

And it's that one right there

It's that one right there

The one that we

The very one

The one that we drank out of

Well, I drank out of

Yeah, you drank out of that

We don't share beers

That's right

We don't have to

We're not that cheap here

Well, Sean, let me get

Half that beer, man

At the bottom

Well, that reminds me of a thing

Like a famous showbiz story

Is that, you know

All the jazz singers

And jazz musicians

Of the 40s and whatnot

They were all into

You know, the wacky weed

Right, exactly

So a story that went around

Is that, like, Duke Ellington

Yeah

got a really bad reputation

for being a cheap ass

that he didn't pay his musicians

because somebody went into the bathroom

and saw two of his musicians

sharing a cigarette.

How? What?

Duke Ellington is so cheap

that they have to share cigarettes.

They can't even afford their own cigarettes.

This is how they saw it

when really what was going on

is they're...

They're smoking weed.

Yeah.

They had no idea what a bunch of...

They're probably paid even better.

He probably paid them with weed.

Right.

But the joke though

those are the heads he got to be at the whole you have to share a cigarette that's the gag

that's the joke yeah that's good but that's back when there were reefer heads that's what they

returned right that crazy reefer man that cap calloway sang that song he did that crazy reefer

man crazy reefer um yeah that's when the whole scare they started liking it to immigrants too

that they used in and they would commit murderers and stuff and that's how it became illegal sir

ladies and gentlemen you've watched that documentary grass no there's a movie that's

It's made by Ron Mann, and it's the guy that did, he did Comic Book Confidential and a couple of other big documentaries.

Anyways, he did a movie in the late 90s, a documentary called Grass, and it's narrated by Woody Harrelson.

And the production values on it, it's just a joy to look at, because, you know, it's about grass, so they're making it, like, to stimulate the stoner and shit, right?

Right.

So a lot of, like, fucking psychedelic graphics and shit on the title cards and whatnot.

and it just goes to the whole history of of weed and where it came from and how it was illegal and

why and what they've been doing over the years and all the way up to the present is hell of a movie

i highly recommend it really grass by ron man really big in louisiana first i guess in the

jazz culture right that's kind of where it kind of broke out well that's even later in the story

the original thing is that you know the mexicans liked it and so since they didn't want mexicans

coming up into their country it was a real easy way to outlaw that and all of a sudden we can

can just take mexicans and dump them back off at the border and that's where the whole thing

started that's where it all started well that's horrible that's how the story went yeah that's

history man and now it's just it just makes money for the government through you know fines and fees

but uh it's part of the part of the part of the machine you know do you have i mean they say uh

here the whole impression of canada i don't know if it's false or not yeah uh or superficial of us

americans and and you know canada foreign or whatever well we see like in in canada it's a

a lot lax like there are areas in california where you can buy it not be afraid to be smoking it

that'd be correct are we in toronto man in toronto if you're if you're you know i mean

granted you don't actually want to go do it because there's always you know you never know

but in toronto in many parts of the city especially the downtown region you can just

go walk in the streets with a fucking joint it's nothing wow okay like summertime yes summertime

time on queen west yeah dudes are just fucking going for a stroll down the lane having a joint

like it's a cigarette huh that's awesome so i'm saying it's illegal but it's not yeah it's illegal

and in certain parts of the country they don't they they're more serious about it and uh in

places that are non-urban they don't like it because you know it tends to be where people

have grow ups and there's you know one guy that services the whole area that you know it's bad

news exactly but uh the stuff where it's just like a guy with a dime in his pocket yeah or you

You know, a guy with a quarter in his sock drawer?

Can't be bothered.

That's crazy.

Wogwan.

Wogwan, how you doing, my friend?

What's up, Great Scott?

I'm obviously cool, man.

Yeah, well, that's good, man.

You've been missing for a while.

You and Legos, you know, your boyfriend and stuff.

What's been going on?

What's good, man?

You still in Florida or what?

What's the story?

What did I say I was missing in, man?

Huh?

I didn't know what you're saying.

Repeat what you're saying again.

No, they said you've been out of action.

You and Lego have been out of action, so, you know, just curious if you guys are coming back.

You talk to him about a return to the airwaves or what's been going on.

No, man, I don't know what I'm doing, you know.

I'm still a fan.

I know.

You're not in charge of him.

It's good to talk to you, man.

What you been up to lately?

You been in the Caribbean or you been in Florida or what's your story now?

I've been traveling all around, you know.

International travel man, huh?

Yeah, man.

Yeah.

What kind of work do you do anyway?

You just hang out with chicks and stuff or you got, like, a security job?

You're skilled.

I'm not making a fool out of that shit.

That's the job I want.

Hey, let me ask you real quick.

Speaking of splits, I got to pass a drug test on Monday.

You got any pointers for me?

Anything I should be doing?

Because I, you know, I talk out like every day.

All day, every day.

Come on.

You need to back off the splits.

Yeah, I know.

That's what I told him.

Still, man.

I mean, I got to do something, man.

You know, I can't get it out of me like that.

I'm going to have a good five days of not smoking before this drug test.

Yeah, so I'm not going to get this new job I found, so...

I don't know, you know.

Don't smoke the Jamaican or the U.S. blue shit.

It's too late for that shit, man.

I always buy the cheap, non-strong shit anyway, so it doesn't really matter.

Anyway, so check this out, man.

I've got the...

Do you want to do a prank call, or did I catch you at a bad time?

No, man, it depends on what you want to do.

I've got the Africana Soul Food Restaurant in Jamaica, Queens here, if you like to call them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, why don't we get to them?

Yeah, tell me you want a roti.

They can ask Mr. Mavis to give me because he got off the plane and he took it away from me.

I don't know if he can link up and give me a liquor.

There you go, exactly.

Milkman saying he should ask for some roti or something like that.

There you go.

Roti, that sounds nasty, though.

God, I would never touch that.

Yeah, if you know I can, you can give me a little herb.

Yeah, all right.

There you go.

Jerk chicken, my son.

Jerk chicken.

You can't put me through.

Okay, cool.

Well, hang on, buddy.

We'll do that right now, all right?

Yeah, man.

All right, you know what?

Alright, well hang on everybody, we have Great Scott on the line.

Be

right back in just one moment.

Three Fingers.

Yeah, man, Wagwan.

What's up?

Can I help you?

Yeah, man, you still working there?

What's that?

I want to know if you're still working there.

Yeah, yeah, who's this?

Yeah, man, it's Trevor.

You don't remember me.

Trevor?

Yeah, man.

You might think I'm someone else, man.

This is Sam.

Yeah, man, you're that surfer dude?

Huh?

Yeah, the surfer dude.

Yeah, man, me I remember you, man.

Long time no see, man.

We just got here from Jamaica, you know.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, man, what kind of food you got?

Oh, we got the buffet, man.

It's all day, $7.99 now.

Yeah, man, me can deal with that.

Yeah?

Yeah, man, me gonna stop by.

Me ask you a question.

What's that?

Me need to pick up some little something, a little herb, man.

Me can't find none in here, man.

I can't find nothing here.

I don't know no one.

Oh, man, I can't help you with that.

Yo, man, you know what happened to me?

We had a nice little bit coming here, and we come to custom, and I'm taking it away from you, man.

But lucky they didn't lock me up, you know.

No way.

Yeah, man.

It was only a little bit, man.

Still the same.

Now I'm losing my mind.

That's rough, man.

Yeah, I can't help you with that.

Come on, man.

You can't give me a little something?

Yeah, that's...

Yeah, we can't help you with that, man.

Who that?

Who that there?

Who that there talking?

Clive.

Tell him what I want.

Here, you want to talk to him?

Yeah man, you climb on the phone.

Here, hold on.

How?

How's it going man?

Who's this old man weed on the phone? We don't sell weed here man.

I'm not asking you to sell me something, you're trying to lick me up a little bit man.

Who's this?

My name's Trevor man, you don't remember me?

No.

You don't look like the last time since you were a little youth man.

Huh?

I remember you when you was a youth.

No man, you don't know me man, you're the wrong person man.

No man, I know you.

Know me from where?

Yeah man, for a long time.

From where?

Come on, man. You're from the yard, man.

From the yard? No, man. You're wrong, man.

What do you mean I'm wrong?

You're wrong, eh?

Why are Jamaicans born in America?

Where are you coming from, man?

Every Jamaican from the yard.

Eh?

Every Jamaican from the yard, man.

Who are Jamaicans from the yard?

Come to the restaurant and let me see who you're talking to.

If you want some food, you can get that.

But we don't deal no drugs in this place, okay?

Okay?

Don't call this phone and ask for nothing like that.

Yeah, man.

You bummer, Claude.

Don't tell me that.

You hear me?

You're a suck your mother.

No, you're a pussyhole.

Don't talk like that to me.

You're a suck your mother.

You there?

God.

What did he just say about your mother?

He said suck your mother.

That's a bad Jamaican thing, isn't it?

Damn, man.

That's a real bad Jamaican thing.

That's a good one.

That's nice.

Your mother's scum.

Enter your destination number.

Mother's scum.

You want to try that Spanish?

I want you to call me back and say that you just told your Jamaican friend to fuck your mother. Why'd you talk to my friend like that?

Okay, hang on, hang on a minute. I have to redial it.

That was kinda good.

Yeah, that was kinda good. That was pretty good, actually. Hang on. Let me get that on again.

Yeah, how you doing there, buddy?

Alright.

Hey, let me ask you a question. Why did you just talk to my boy Trevor like that? He's upset over here. He just stormed out of here upset. Say he's gotta get some beer or something. I don't know what's going on.

Well, that's his problem, man.

He can't call a restaurant and ask him for weed.

Weed?

Yeah, ask him for smoke.

Trevor can't smoke no weed.

He's on parole.

What are you talking about?

Well, that's what he's calling asking about here.

Then you're lying because he don't smoke no weed.

He's on parole.

He ain't smoked no weed in two years.

I don't know.

He better not be smoking weed.

Well, that's what he's just calling asking about here.

But he know me from Utah.

He don't know me, man.

You know, he can't ask for weed in a restaurant.

We don't sell drugs here.

He said he used to work there with you or something like that.

I don't know work. I never have no Trevor work here with me.

I don't know, but he said to tell you that something about Bumba Claude, that you're the Bumba Bitch Claude or something.

Yeah, I tell him to go suck his mother and don't ask for no weed.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You got it all wrong, buddy. What did you just say? To do what to my mother?

Huh?

What did you say about my mother? You don't even know me, boy.

No, I don't. I'm not. I don't know you neither, so I'm telling whoever call asking about drugs.

Don't call this number and ask for no job because this is not a job then. This is a restaurant.

You damn Canadians need to go back to your own country if you're going to come over here and talk to...

I'm not a Canadian. I'm American like you. Are you American?

Yeah, I am. Well, I'm...

You born here?

I'm the original American from the south.

All right. Well, this is one who remember that and don't forget that.

Well, you sound like a...

Okay.

You sound like a damn Canadian over here talking curse words and stuff.

I'm not a Canadian.

I've never been to Canada, so I don't know that.

Well, that's not what Trevor said.

My parents are Jamaican, and I'm American, okay?

You're not even Jamaican either.

All right, anything you want, I say.

Don't call this number again, otherwise I'll have them...

Call him a batty boy.

I'll have my boss check your number.

This is owned by a cop, so if you want to know, you know that.

Don't call this phone, no job.

What's the name of the cop?

Okay, batty boy.

What's the name of the cop?

Call him a chichi man.

Batty boy.

And I know what Bati boy means too you faggot.

Damn it, the Canadian, he's gone.

Sky, you there?

Yeah, he's gone.

He's gone?

This is a Bati boy.

That was good.

GG man.

Damn it.

Who's an anti-man?

Enter your desk.

You want to call him back?

No.

Okay, hang on.

We'll do one more.

We'll get him one more time.

Hang on.

Oh shit, which one was it?

You sound frustrated.

Like you don't know what you're going to do.

Just beg him or something.

I don't know.

What country is he in?

Three fingers up strong?

Come on, you there?

Yo.

What you get mad at me for man?

Huh?

What you curse me for?

Yo, hear me out say.

Yo, this is a different man now.

Hear me out say, nigga.

You can't call a restaurant and ask them for weed or drugs.

You don't sell drugs, nigga.

You hear that?

You calling me a nigga, man?

Yeah, man.

Get it straight like that, yeah.

Because you're supposed to call a restaurant and ask for weed.

You didn't say we didn't.

I didn't say I wanted to buy it.

Well, we don't have no weed to smoke or buy.

And we don't deal with weed.

You see?

Yeah, man.

So why are you going to kill me?

My mother your party boy?

Yo, you lucky thing you ain't come. Maybe if you did came here face to face, you'd get slapped in your face with.

Get your pussy home.

Come out, come talk then, Batsy man. Come out, come talk.

Stop trapping fuckers, man. You're trapping fuckery, man.

It's not like for reals, you're faking police.

Get my, get my rat.

Come out, come play, nigga.

You feel hearty.

Man, you ain't nothing, man. You know nothing.

Come out, come play.

You know the restaurant had pussy.

Mother again, go suck your mother's last father, sister, uncle, back.

You're going to come down here with 20 eyes on, man.

Put a scooper diver suit and chuck it in your mother's back with your pussy.

My bum back lot ass.

He's gone again.

Great.

Got him, too.

Yeah, you want to stay for one more?

You want to try to call that herb guy, that Guatemalan guy, or you want to?

No, I want you to call him.

I want you to call him.

Let me show you.

I got it.

I got it here.

Don't worry.

Yeah, how you doing there?

This is the African food restaurant?

Yes.

Right, you're all over there in Queens, right?

Yes, in Queens, in Libati.

Beautiful.

So, what kind of African food you got there?

You got the fried chicken?

Yes.

Oh, you got some, what kind of desserts there?

Yeah, hey, my name is Otis.

Hello?

Yeah, you guys have desserts there, African desserts?

No, no.

You don't have any high nigger pie?

No, no, no.

No high nigger pie, huh?

No, no, man.

Oh, what do you got there for my sweet tooth?

Do you got any elephant foot or anything like that?

No, hell no.

No, we don't do that, man.

You got any African food, man?

You got any pork?

No, man.

How about giraffe, man?

No.

How about giraffe, man?

Am I not welcome in there?

Is that what you're trying to say?

No, man.

We don't sell those foods, man.

We sell like rice, beans, yum, you know.

What's so African?

Some African soup and all that.

How about some water buffalo?

African soup.

What's in your African soup?

Elephant?

You got giraffe in there?

Yeah, we got all of that stuff, man.

You don't sound very African to me.

Tiger-toothed suit.

I don't sound African to you?

No, you don't.

How am I supposed to sound, man?

Sound like...

No, like this.

I'll see you, dog.

I'll see you, you know.

I heard you guys had a civil war in there the other day.

What?

I heard you guys had a civil war in there in your restaurant the other day.

No, I don't know about that.

You have any Congonese rice in there?

No.

You got any South African pie?

No.

No, no, we don't do South African kind of food yet.

You're not Afro, you're, god damn, you're ghetto food.

Ghetto restaurant.

You have a good one, man.

I love you, baby.

God bless you.

All right, all right.

God bless.

One, one.

Bye.

We're at Osiris Towers.

What the hell is one all about, anyway?

I remember when, I remember when I lost my mind.

Can I speak with Pasquale, please?

I'm speaking.

Hey, Pasquale, how you doing, you asshole?

Who's this?

My name is George.

Yeah.

Yeah?

I've got a problem with you.

Yeah, what's the problem?

Well, it seems to me you came down here, used our toilet, you didn't flush it, and now it's messed up, so...

What toilet? I never used it. I don't know what you're talking about.

You used my toilet here the other day, you son of a bitch. You retard.

Your toilet?

My toilet. My... You know what? Describe it to me.

I don't know what you're talking about. I've been in the house, but I haven't been out.

Well, it's been... It was last week.

Nah, I don't use anybody's toilet, bro.

I got a good mind to go down there, Pasquale, and punch you in the chest.

For what?

I don't remember.

I swear on my mother.

I don't know who, what house or what are you talking about?

Well, look, your mother's here right now with me having sex with me, and she's not very happy.

My mother's dead.

So how are you going to swear on somebody who's dead?

What are you, a goddamn heathen now?

Are you a Muslim?

No.

I don't know what you're talking about, really, man.

You don't have to talk to me like that because I'm a human being.

If I did something wrong, I would tell you.

You're not a human being in my eyes.

You're a scum, worst of the earth, piece of crap.

You listen to me.

What?

You listen to me.

Come down here, you bring yourself a plunger,

and you fix this horrible mess you made.

I don't remember. I didn't do anything.

I'm going to rip all your leg hairs out and the hair off your ass.

You come over, I'm going to call the sheriff,

because I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm going to call the sheriff.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm a big vagina. I got a big vagina.

I'm Pasquale.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't remember.

I don't use anybody's toilet, man.

Well, you owe me $5 for breaking the toilet.

Breaking the toilet?

What toilet?

Tell me who this is.

The white toilet.

I told you already.

My name is Bo Steen.

Don't know you.

Well, you do now, because you're going to come down here and fix it.

You're going to get to know me really well.

I ain't fixing nothing, because I didn't break nothing.

I don't use anybody's toilet.

Well, you came down the street.

You live right next door.

You came down.

You used the toilet.

You took a big shit.

I took a big shit.

Yes.

Man, it wasn't me, pal.

It was not me.

You got the wrong guy.

Well, either you come down here and fix it,

or I'm going to go down there and make you drink the toilet water out of your toilet

after I take a big shit.

See if you like it.

Pal, I don't know what you're talking about.

Now you're getting, I don't know what you're talking about.

How big is your nose?

Hey, man, I'm going to call the sheriff.

I'm not afraid of you or your mother.

Well, how big is...

I don't know what, hey, look, if I did something, I would tell you.

Well, you're a sinner.

I don't use nobody's toilet.

You're a sinner.

I'm a what?

You're a sinner.

What's that?

You're a sinner.

You sin against God.

Uh-huh.

How dare you come here to this church and take a shit in the toilet?

What church?

I haven't been in a church.

Well, the pastor said he saw you.

He's got the wrong guy.

You bring the pastor here.

I haven't been in any church.

Oh, now you're going to hurt the pastor.

Bring him here.

Let him identify me.

You just threatened a man of the cloth.

I didn't threaten nobody.

You better confess your sins right now to the pastor or you're going to hell.

I have a turd lineup.

Yeah.

Sir?

Enter your destination number now.

I'm going to match the turd to the size of your butthole, boy.

I just figured out that's really Pasquale.

So the first time I must have misdialed and got that classic call out of someone who wasn't even trying to call.

Holy shit.

Oh, man, that sucks.

Damn it.

But that's good, though.

That guy gets really fired up sometimes.

sometimes like he called me once fired up he's like what are you some kind of retard i was like

what are you talking about man it was like 7 30 in the morning and i just got into work and this

guy just calls me he's like you people better not fuck up again i was like what are you talking

about man he's like you're a retard i was like no we don't hire retards he's like oh you're a smart

ass now you are listening to a replay of madhouse radio well i think you should fucking hang up

That's where I'm going to find out who you are and punch your fucking face in.

How's that?

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Yeah, what time is your meetings tonight?

There's no, there's no meeting.

Well, I need, is this, I need help, please.

Um, hang on.

I mean, something, please.

I guess I'm kind of a help here, man.

Yeah.

I don't know what you guys, look, my pastor told me to call you guys as soon as possible.

Oh, really?

I gave him a call.

Look, I have the bottle of gin up to my, my, it's in my hand.

I haven't drunk in three weeks, and I just started sick and everything.

I don't know what to do.

Well, where are you at?

I'm here at the bar down in Maine.

What's the name of the bar?

Pookie's Bar and Grillette.

I don't know.

Can you guys just, I don't know what.

Look, I don't know if you can hear the glass, but I haven't drunk.

I'm going to, oh, God, it just tastes so good.

I'm just smelling this drink, and it's just.

Yeah.

Well, I'll tell you what.

If you want help, I can come and pick you up.

I don't know where to get a hold of you.

Oh, I feel it.

See, God.

You know what?

I think your prophet's coming to the holy land.

I think you're bullshitting me, mister.

It tastes so good.

Why don't you drink with me?

Yeah.

Do you remember what it was to take a drink and go like this to it?

I think you're jiving my ass, and I don't appreciate it.

If I help, you know where to go.

You know you want a beer, man.

Is that wrong of me to do?

To call a recovering alcoholic and make it sound like I'm guzzling beer?

That was water, everybody, by the way.

I didn't just chuck beer.

Next thing I know, there's smoke, like, two inches from my face, and the microphone cup caught on fire.

It was like I was smoking as black and mild down to the nub, and it caught on fire, and it almost burnt my nose.

It singed my nose hairs.

Was there, like, a flame?

Yeah, it actually caught on flame, and it was, like, right by my eye.

I was like, oh, like that, and I was on the air.

And I got scared.

I put myself on mute for it, though.

That was crazy.

You shouldn't have put music on.

It would have been funny to hear you scream.

I'm like, oh.

No, seriously, I was like, oh.

Yeah, that would have been great.

yeah yeah you could use that as like a drop or something yeah that was friday that was funny

that was very funny i remember this approach control this is cessna zero two eight one echo

one one nine point three over who is in his asshole taint first time that's ever been cleaned

three three ticks and two mushrooms wearing my taint it's the first time someone's washed

between my legs and my crotch for the first i'm gonna make a stew

I wanted to get a tattoo there, but...

So, Saigon is reporting David Lee Roth is probably getting replaced by Opie Nath,

and he is getting replaced by Opie Nath.

David's going to be on Sirius.

Yeah, he is. I know, because he's been interviewed on Sirius twice now

by the Howard 100 News, and he's... I don't know, he'll probably go there.

Kenny Cage should probably try to get him on PCU right now.

Yeah, now's the time to fucking grab David Lee Roth.

What's open? Like, Monday night, Tuesday night?

Why don't we call David? Why don't we call David?

David, I have David's number.

You want to call him?

Do it.

Yeah, make it so.

All right, we'll call him.

I'm from a job.

I'll play music and you do that.

He can replace Milkman, but he's convalescing.

Exactly.

We should have David Lee Ralph from the Red House.

Dad, I know you don't understand convalescing.

That means getting better.

See if I can get David.

If I can, what I'll do is first call you guys.

You guys keep going.

I'm here.

Yeah, we'll keep talking and we'll wait for you to come back.

We're not going to shut off just because you're not here.

Exactly.

David Lee Ralph, who I'm assuming is going to be Billy Mira.

You shouldn't have said that, it's stupid.

What the fuck, I'm just, no one, whatever.

Well maybe there's like, you know, there's people out there who didn't know that-

No they don't.

Who's listening here doesn't even get this whole thing anyway, out of all these retards out there.

I'm sure there's a lot of dumb people.

Saigon maybe, oh I didn't know!

All the famous people!

Come on, stop me when you come by!

I probably didn't know, he's freaking out.

He's probably out tripping.

Probably, he's an asshole too anyway.

So are they gonna replace him with Sammy Hagar?

Opie and Anthony.

It should be Sammy and Hagrid.

That would be really bad.

That would really piss him off.

It could actually be that guy who was like the third lead singer.

What was his name?

No.

The guy who plays who came out later.

Keith Richards?

No.

I don't know.

I'm just playing.

Dave something.

Yeah.

Didn't David Lee Roth come back at one point?

I don't think so.

So let me ask something on a more important note.

Yeah.

Pussy survey.

Hair or like a racing stripe or...

Racing stripe.

It's got to have a little bit there.

Because if it's totally shade, it's like a 13-year-old.

That's kind of scary.

Not even a 13-year-old.

Not really.

I like the Hitler mustache.

Or even like a strange design.

Like I've seen like a middle finger.

Like a ham finger coming up.

I like that.

You know, I've been into it, girls.

Yeah, you've got to keep up with that, though, women.

You know, that's something right there.

You've got to keep yourself nice and trim.

There's nothing more horrible than a woman who's got a huge bush.

You know what I mean?

It's just nasty.

I mean, it's not like you're not going to have sex with her.

but then later on you're going to make fun of her to your friends.

Huge Harry Bush makes me think dirty...

It's obviously like they're not taking advantage of all the time

that they could be down there cleaning things up.

Keeping things in shape.

Yeah, because then you imagine, like, yo, you know,

she's probably wiping her ass three times,

but maybe she should be doing it four times, you know?

That hair gets that urine smell, too.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

I don't mind that.

I don't mind a little bit of a...

Cunt smell?

Not dirty cunt.

I'd like to smell the gasoline on my vagina.

So, all right, cunt cock, would you?

In a second, I'd stop masturbating and start sucking my own cock.

Yeah, I mean, it's like you give yourself a handjob, like, every day.

So I think it's obvious that most guys would.

You just wouldn't talk about it.

Like, I think you're gay because you mentioned it.

Like, everybody would.

No, do you think that makes you gay if you could suck your own cock?

Yes.

I think you would do it, but then you would be gay.

Why?

What if you loved pussy and you just could also pleasure yourself?

I don't know.

I just think it makes you gay.

I do.

The second you did it, you'd be a homo.

I do.

Because I think you could never be like, you know, ain't no dick ever touch my lips.

There's a million times I've said those words.

No dick sucking, no dick sucking here.

But no, I couldn't say it anymore.

Seriously, I think you'd be gay if you came in your own mouth or something.

Okay, I'll give you that. Go on, that's nasty.

Dude, that makes you a flamer. You can go from gay to a flamer right there.

I don't know dude, I think most guys, any guy who could suck his own dick would.

Yeah, probably. I agree.

No man says this a lot.

You suck your dick with cat pussy all right.

All you gotta do is put catnip on your balls and they'll go to town.

And some tuna on your home for you.

Here kitty kitty, my cat comes running whenever she hears the can opener.

What do you mean? It's just time for love.

Alright, thanks so much.

We're gonna be having that milkman, man.

I wanted to know.

Good question.

It is a good question. It's an important question.

I say I would. I'd get my ribs removed if it meant I could do that.

You know how they used to say that shit about Marilyn Manson?

That he got ribs removed so he could suck his own dick on stage?

We're getting a bunch of shit.

That was a true story for a while.

Everybody thought it was for real.

And then they thought he was the kid from the Wonder Years, too,

and it was bullshit.

No, that's true.

That's true?

No, but he wasn't the boy.

He was Winnie Cooper.

Cooper got a sex change.

Do you think Marilyn Manson would make a Bukkake movie?

He's not.

I don't think he's gay.

I think he's...

No, he was banging Rose McGowan for a long time.

He was.

Yeah, I was into her.

She used to be really hot.

Yeah, but...

Andy Dick had a crush on him, though, apparently, from what I hear.

Andy Dick peeled it back and beat it up.

Yeah, he did. Funny guy, but he's bi.

Nothing wrong with that. KDK's bi, too.

He'd probably fuck Andy Dick.

And Marilyn Manson. There's nothing wrong with that.

No man fucks animals. We don't hate him for it.

We don't hate him for it. We don't judge on this show.

I don't think you'd cheat on Keith, though.

You don't think so?

For Marilyn Manson, I think you would.

Marilyn Manson's got a lot of money.

What if KDK got pregnant?

With Marilyn Manson with a black kid?

Cha-ching. Look, that's a cha-ching.

What if Shaq came on to him? What do you think he would do?

Because if Shaq was like, Andy, I want you to come and live with me in my mansion and be my boyfriend.

I would probably go because he's got a lot of money and he's a large black man.

I want you to come down to South Beach and go to Starland.

I want you to let Lego come down and be my servant at Miami Beach with Shaq.

Would you do it?

Would you fuck Shaq?

Would I fuck for the money?

How much?

All of his money.

Would you marry him?

No.

I want you to suck my toes, Dr. Lego.

I'd fuck him, though, for a certain amount.

Okay.

$50?

No, no, I'm talking real deal cash.

$200?

Yeah.

$562.

You know what I'd do with $200?

Dude, $200 can go a long way.

I'd pay my rent with it.

I'd pay a quarter of my rent with it, motherfucker.

I could fill up my fucking...

You'd get a full tank of gas.

I could fill up my cayenne with that.

Full tank of gas.

I'd get a full tank of gas, and I'd go to the sizzler.

Hey, Lego, put that business on the line.

Let's talk to them.

Shaq.

How do they know?

Yeah, man, how'd they know that you mean no time?

Don't tell them, man. Don't tell them shit.

I told you it was a secret between me and Lego.

Anyway, Lego's apparently doing business.

Milkman got cut off. I got a conference.

Oh, Jesus. I got cut off.

Shaq came in and raped me.

It wasn't even Shaq. It was Daryl Armstrong.

It won't help nobody. I'll be-

Too late.

Don't be mean.

Alright, anyway.

These faggots. I'm gonna do a prank call. Fuck them.

Who you wanna call, Andy? The Three Stooges?

Yeah, you do call 3C. Can you do a 3C voice?

Sticky plumbing.

Sticky, yeah.

Sticky mulligans.

Sticky pub.

A gay sounding guy answered.

Gay sounding guy.

Foster old-fashioned freeze drive-thru dining.

Let's do it. Let's do that one.

Ask him if you can figure...

69 ice fruit.

What's up, pancreas man?

Yeah, in here.

The nurse actually done today.

Anally?

I wouldn't let him do it any other way.

I took a damn thermometer in my ass there, and I farted right in her face.

She put it in my butt.

I don't like that shit.

Dude, let me ask you something.

Can he ask for 200 bucks?

That's the other way around.

No, Shaq is fucking Milkman, not the other way around.

Can you imagine the pressure on that condom?

Milkman's receiving, not giving.

No, no, dude.

No, dude.

If I gotta give up sex, then I'll give up sex.

Yo, the only guy I like is George Eber.

Yo, I'll give you a million dollars.

I give you a million dollars, and I let you wash your mouth out with this to me.

That'll happen.

I'm just saying, like, a one-time shot, you could be a millionaire.

You wouldn't do it?

A one-time shot.

I will.

For a million dollars, I will, yeah.

He said no.

I just can't imagine.

I can't imagine how I would be in that state.

I would be so loaded.

It wouldn't be about a state of mind.

I would be so loaded.

I wouldn't be in a state of mind.

I'd put on a little fucking thong.

You can call me Sally and give me the fucking million dollars.

Yeah, I'd eat so much Xanax and drink so much beer that I wouldn't remember, and I'd have a million dollars.

He who denies it the most.

Well, the only way I could do that, I could, like, talk one of these crazy PCU listeners into going half with me if I got them the gig, and, you know, they would do it in my place.

There you go. Now that's ingenuity.

That I'd go for. I would go for the, you know, getting the gig lined up, but the actual participation, I'd have to leave that to the bum.

Hey, Miltman, the pimp is always worse than the prostitute, buddy. I just lost a lot of respect for you.

That's fucked up.

Yeah, respect.

That's your Maury heritage shining through.

Lego Sims it all up.

Okay, let's call these Three Stooges bastards.

Three Stooges Bar in Cedar Lake, Indiana.

He's going to go take a shit.

I'll play the toilet for you.

All right, and he'll be right back.

And Lego, you hang on over there.

Milkman, you hang on too.

And four.

All right, don't eat the Kentucky Jelly.

It's not what you think it is.

All right, we'll be right back, everybody, with the first prank call of the night.

We're only about a half hour into the show, but hang on, folks.

A little bit of Rick James for your ass.

There you go.

Yeah, crazy.

You're a bitch.

If I am, you're going to like it too.

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

I'm going to sing a little for you right now.

You can sing when you come in.

What's your name?

Rochelle.

I love that name.

Well, thank you.

It's a beautiful name.

Absolutely.

Thank you.

Are you coming in tonight?

Yeah, I'll come in over there.

I'll sing some karaoke.

Can we do a duet?

Sing.

I like my customers.

Oh, you don't think you're saying that?

All right, you know what?

I'll tell you what, though.

I'll call over there with my couple of the...

Sounds good.

Thank you, guys.

And we'll leave him alone, Joe.

That's fine.

Ma'am, what do you think about reusable toilet paper?

I don't think that would go over too well.

A washable toilet paper, just throw it in the laundry.

Just set it and forget it.

Don't be so lazy.

God, man.

Are you coming in?

Yeah, we're definitely coming in.

I'll look for you.

All right, I'll look for you.

Rochelle, my name is Victor Maitland.

All right, Victor, I'll be waiting for you.

All right, I don't know about you.

You're awesome.

What are you wearing, just so I know?

I'm wearing a pink shirt and black pants.

Black pants?

Yeah.

Like sexy looking?

Yeah.

All right.

Thank you.

Like on my bottom.

All right.

I have a thirsty customer, so I got to go now, okay?

All right.

Say hi.

Hey, what's your mind?

Hey, lady.

Lady.

Bye-bye.

Lady.

I love you.

Why doesn't women ever talk to me, man?

I don't know if we ever have Lego.

You spread that around.

Let's call for Lego.

Lego.

Carlito is very sensitive and loving.

A fed Alper's fried chicken.

I'm going to take this.

I get some

I wish it the fat Albert

chicken calls mushroom

how do you talk like mushroom

I don't remember the show that well

what does he sound like

he had an extra syllable in it

the dead calls mushroom

the dead can call us mushroom

I'd like to know

how much it may be comparable to fried chicken

what was that

fried chicken

How many pieces are you looking for?

About 8 to be 18.

About how many pieces?

18.

18?

Yep.

We have 20 pieces, we don't have 18 pieces.

How much about 20 pieces?

21.49.

21.49?

Yes, sir.

And how much is the taxable?

21.49 with tax.

Is that including the taxable?

Yes, it's full tax.

I don't believe in the taxable.

taxable you know what i don't i but don't believe in the taxable only reparation of purpose austin

are you guys there yeah was that was that you andy okay

yeah but yeah but i do but i ordered 21 uh pieces of fried chicken 21 pieces of fried chicken how

about i put my brother leroy on the phone on the phone are you ready hello there hello hello my

My name is Leroy.

I sure love chicken and watermelon.

You have any of that?

Hello?

He wants the chicken and watermelon combo.

Where's Mammy at?

You just tell them they're Uncle Tom's.

Hello?

I like your pancakes, bro.

Yeah, pancakes good.

Alright.

Hey, Lego, can you do a Fat Albert voice?

You want to call Fat Albert's Food and Drink and see if they stay on with you?

Sure.

Alright, we'll do that next.

That hurts my voice, but I can do it.

There's a lot of Fat Albert companies.

Yeah, Fat Albert hamburgers and pizza and deli.

Pizza and deli?

Pizza.

Got some pizza and you got some chicken.

Hey.

Fat Albert's fried chicken.

Fat Albert's got some hamburger.

Fat Albert, what are you doing?

Tell him you want a hamburger pizza with extra deli on it.

Extra deli?

You want a hamburger pizza with extra deli?

Hey, hey, hey.

I don't want my pizza.

Let me disconnect because she hasn't hung up yet.

That's my sexy voice.

Don't you black lady.

See?

You're just so sexy.

You are listening to a replay of Madhouse Radio.

Well, I think you should fucking hang up or I'm gonna find out who you are and punch your fucking face in. How's that?

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com

Just wondering if I can get a burger.

Alright, close.

Close. What's your name?

I'm telling.

Alright, well listen, would you like to, uh, I made, I have an invention.

I was wondering if you'd like to buy an invention, then I'll save you a lot of money.

Hello.

Would you like to-

What is it?

Unless you wanna-

A dooba dooba!

She's into the reusable-

Ask her about the reusable toilet paper. That's a good idea.

Anyway-

Please enter the number you wish to call.

Minute.

You bad boy.

Alba-Yuba-Duba-Dale.

Kiva.

Andy, you wanna try a Fat Albert's?

We got a bunch of them here.

You've been doing the funny one.

You've been doing a pretty good one.

I'll try...

Let me try a Fat Albert's food and drink.

This one's in Colorado.

You know black people in Colorado.

Food.

Fat Albert's food and drink.

There should be a Fat Albert's soundboard.

What do you mean this is Fat Albert's restaurant?

Let me help you.

Hey, hey, hey.

How you doing today?

Great.

Wait, is this Fat Albert's?

It is.

Yo, how long you been there? I didn't know ever that can hold my fat ass wonder freddy

Oh, that's just wrong. Maybe we're coming across too strong, but we can also get me another fat Albert

Okay, fat albert's tavern and tavern and bunkhouse. This one's in Alaska

I don't know what the fuck a bunkhouse sounds gay to me minute a keys Alaska or Arkansas al. That's Alabama

Alabama.

No, it shouldn't be.

That's Alabama.

Those people should take whatever you fucking give them.

No, Arkansas they are.

Yeah, hey, how you doing?

My name is Ned Ryerson, and I sent Bill Cosby, and there's a copyright infringement.

I don't think you guys have permission to use the name Fat Albert.

Fat Albert Strunson just trying to get a line on this and see, you know, try to work out

some kind of a licensing thing.

You calling from?

Calling from Los Angeles.

I'll give you my attorney's number.

Okay.

He's hanging up right there.

He's hanging up.

I'm calling I'm calling your back is this Bill Cosby call back is that good

guy remember used to do a bill good bill Cosby this sheriff Roscoe very close to

Yeah.

Hello?

Ma'am, hello.

Yeah, how are you doing?

Uh, good.

I'm about to put Bill Cosby on the line for you, okay?

You ready?

Okay.

You damn take the name of my fat-

You in the hip and-

I am not the-

Ph.D., motherfucker.

Your line is the same, motherfucker.

Do a good job, guy.

Is you still there?

Yeah, this is Bill.

Yeah, it's Richard.

Yeah, you know, I'm just sitting here with my cock in my hand, thinking about you.

Come on.

What?

You like it.

Admit it.

I what do I want I want to bend you over and spread your ass cheeks apart and stick my fucking cock in your ass

Yeah

How's that?

Then I want to slap you in the face with my shitty dick

Can't say the darnedest thing

Hold on, I got the brass one, alright

You do that, tap the lego

I'm gonna play a little fucking live concert for you

Hey everybody, lego the musician is gonna play a song

Alright, this is uh

Sucker motherfucking lego

Okay, can you hear this?

Oh yeah, I hear it

Yo, sing some shit about Kim

Okay, here we go, ready?

It's taking too long

Athena, why you suckin' cock in Amsterdam?

It's over, bitch!

You're such a whore, such a whore

On Carlitos

Oh, Athena, sucking cats, and Sam, such a whore.

Again, you're all fucking whores.

And that's what I fucking say.

Oh, God.

Thank you very much.

That's my song of the night.

It's all me, man.

Hey, do you know what song that is, right?

That's Athena's a whore.

No, but there's a song by The Who called Athena.

No, there's not.

Yeah.

Is there really?

Yeah, and that's the song.

It goes, Athena, just like that.

You know this one time I got so mad at Athena, I broke a bottle over her head?

Blood everywhere?

Everywhere, dude, and then I, it was good lubrication.

Yeah, it works, it works, it works good for the ass.

Dude, hey, dude, best sex ever had was after breaking a bottle over my woman's head.

Yeah, because then she's fucking just, like, laying there incoherent, you fuck her in

the ass without complaining.

And thank you to Lonesome Loser for hooking us up with, uh, numbers so late to call in

also um it's been great it's been a great experience uh kdk i'll kick your ass dr lego

i'll kick your ass zor i'll kick your ass um anybody out there in the mouth anybody out there

who wants to get punched in the mouth and kicked in the ass i'll do it um milkman i'll fuck you

up juke i'll kill you don't threaten to cut off george bush's penis i won't do that but i'll tell

from P-P-P-P-Unit.

Suck my dick.

P-P-Unit.

Everybody out there who has got a problem with me,

you can kiss my ass.

I'll drink what I want.

I'll smoke what I want when I want.

If you motherfuckers don't like it, too fucking bad.

If I say I want to leave

at 4 o'clock in the morning, too fucking bad too.

Fuck in the chat room,

I say fuck poop, fuck

bobo bot, fuck googly moogly,

fuck venison,

you went the way of the unit fuck little evil neo you bitch fuck madman you son of a bitch

i'll kill i'll i'll slip madman's throat dr dre you suck my dick that prick hashy you ain't no

better than hunter motherfucker that's what i gotta say everybody fuck you saigon you're a

stupid motherfucker too i'll kill you motherfucker i'll kill everybody in the channel all of you go

go to hell but listen on thursday night peace out love you lifey man thanks for tuning in i'm just

kidding i love you all i know we're fucking with you i gotta go masturbate but it's over already

what do you call yourself como se llama hey fuck you poop you son of a bitch and i'm out

and fuck all you motherfuckers but i like you eat i like you earth dog you little son of a bitch

Calls (20, 59 min of 1 h 52 min)

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